#also excuse the poor meme editing‚ I did it in like 20 seconds on my phone. lol

[blagueofchaos]

My internal struggle when I see a book that I think I maybe read in middle school but I don't remember for certain:

⚠️Vote for whomever YOU DO NOT KNOW⚠️‼️

[masslessobtrusion]

Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan, and my brother...

Edit: 

Tl;dr: Jordan Peterson’s self-empowerment does not apply to those who are addicted to drugs and are currently living in abusive households. It’s okay to give people a lending hand when they ask. Telling them to go to a doctor and get a job when they explain their struggles, how they are broken and don’t know how to go to a doctor and get a job. For several years. Is not the best course of action. 

It’s impossible to know what it’s like to be poor when you will never have to worry about it because your parents planned for your life properly and especially when your parents have hurt and manipulated you for years.

My oldest brother has told me to check out Jordan Peterson. I’ve known about him for a while. I used to be really into Joe Rogan and UFC, but I am no longer a fan and am actually embarrassed I used to like him. 2010-2017 . I listened to him some more today. He preached about how men need to forge their own path because no one is going to do it for them. That’s great advice. It’s empowering. Especially if you’re a small man with no father, which is why I feel this hits home with my oldest brother.  He’s short for a guy. 5f5-t6. He says 5ft8. Probably in shoes. Because every 5ft10 guy claims to be 6ft and it makes for awkward situations. I don’t condone insulting someone for their height. It’s something I’ve personally never worried about, because I’ve never had to. He has. It’s a struggle for a lot of shorter people and I understand this. I never really thought of him as short. When, I do, it explains the behavior in a way that I may be onto something.  We’ve had mutual friends, but he has always had different rules for us. He’s stricter with us. We don’t talk about our feelings. He’s in charge. He claims he’s always busy. He has worked at a used video game store in a part-time capacity while attending school for 20+. 3 kids, divorced. I had my grasp on millions of dollars. I touched mountain tops and gorgeous women on 100ft yachts. I did this coming from nothing and working an entry-level retail job. I met so many people who don’t have to worry about money it warped my perspective greatly. 

My Dad more or less disowned my oldest brother as a bastard child and treated him harsh early-on. Perhaps he sees my suffering as validation of his decision to move out. I’ve tried relating to him on my Father’s abuse and multiple hobbies. Cycling, guitar, video games, music. He’s not interested. 

He refuses to show any sort of compassion or empathy towards me. “Man, just look at him. He’s so bitter and resentful of anyone who is more successful or wealthier than him. He’s like a biker now. That’s why you don’t do drugs.”. It’s never too late to start. I have told him that. I can recall 2 times I have hung out with him in the last 10 years. His boundaries make for a shitty relationship.   Jordan Peterson was addicted to Xanax. When I hear him speak. I hear the same excuses every junkie makes. Instead of going through withdrawal and a taper. He went to Russia and received a treatment he couldn’t get in other countries. He was put into a coma for over 8 days. When I went through xanax withdrawal, I was also addicted to heroin. Nearly died from seizures. I had a broken jaw the entire time, I spent 7 days in ICU. 3 days in a psych ward AFTER that. I hadn’t made a mention of suicide since the first or second day. I refused to be admitted to the psych ward several times. They told me I had to sign the papers or the police were coming in. This was the only defiant act other than when I first woke up in the ICU after the seizure. 

My jaw was shifted several inches and locked open. I couldn’t close my mouth for 10 days. I chewed with my tongue and top teeth. Because the inside of my cheek was pinched between my teeth, cut open, and infected.  Every time I talked. I chewed on the inside of my cheek.   I received no pain killers. I went to an oral surgeon at a dental college, with no anesthetic he snapped my jaw back in place. It took several minutes and another injection of lidocaine and cold spray. It didn’t help much. I was screaming. 

After this. The abuse of my father continued. I also ran out of SSRI’s after 3 months of venlafaxine. SSRI withdrawal was new to me. I experienced it from December 2019-March 2020. I experienced a vertigo like sensation when I turned my head. It almost sounded like Star Wars blasters because there was high frequency ringing in my ears and the pitch would change when I turned my head. My vision felt a little warped too. I believe this sensation is what is commonly referred to as “brain zaps”. 

I can already hear Jordan Peterson’s excuses. “But I help save people’s lives!” “I am different.” “I am the exception.”. It’s the same excuses every junkie who doesn’t like admitting mistakes makes. The first comment on the Jordan Peterson video I watched where he talks about the horrors of Xanax. It says “We love you Jordan, get well soon Brother!”.  It’s a cult-like group now. Pushing books, health pills, blenders. Whatever they can hock to people in order to keep their lifestyles up.  My first thought. Ha, that’s probably my brother. He’s never said anything like that to me before. 

Never. It’s not required. But it doesn’t exist between us. Never has. I tried to correct that and told him I liked how the families I met elsewhere acted towards each other and he agreed. Especially as his divorce and my moving back home coincided. I saw this as an opportunity to get to know him better. We did several things together but the kids were always there. It quickly became a chore. I made it clear several times that I had issues I wanted to address and speak about regarding my health and safety. Involving my parents. Involving my lungs, and living situation. I just wanted someone to talk to. I made that clear. Anyone. My middle brother is too shy and dumb to comprehend the big brain level I operate at. He’ll get triggered.  “Yeah dude, you should find a wife who will pay for your shit and work part-time for a poverty wage while being a part-time stay at home Dad.”. Knock’er up 3-4 times and complain about being poor when you have no career or college education until your mid 40′s. Yeah dude, you’re doing it all wrong. Just do it right!”.

I felt like some of the girls I dated, would’ve been into marriage. But seriously, I was so awkward around girls until my mid-20′s. No confidence that I was attractive or that a lot of the girls I was friend-zoning myself in wanted to fuck like porn stars. Or your heads on my lap?

I didn’t want to marry Lauren. I thought she was too beautiful and talented to be influenced by my negativity. That’s honestly what I told myself when I stayed up, watched her sleep, to make sure she was still breathing. I haven’t really written about her yet. It’s going to be tough. 

He’s not a trashy person or a mean person by any means. He’s always been a smug little prick, with a holier than thou. Despite having the same hobbies. He never invited me or accepted my invitations. I think it’s weird. You’re my brother. Stop being so weird about everything and put your guard down for a second. Take-off the lifts. Everyone knows. 

I never put much thought into how being short could have an impact in our relationship. But with all of the Joe Rogan memes about how he over-compensates for his small stature by framing shots with furniture. I realized that my brother does over-compensate for his lack of height.  I think most smaller men do. There’s nothing wrong with that, except for the overly macho way Rogan talks about how someone who is insecure about their height needs to conquer their inner-bitch and start a podcast. Channel the “violence” in your DNA as he has.  He’s being a hypocrite. The dude is on so many drugs and hormones, his head increased 3x. Good for him, right? Except the dude tells millions of cult-like followers that hormones are fucked up. The fake-it until you make-it attitude is selfish and shallow. The average person interprets that as, “It’s okay to lie, cheat, and steal, as long as you make money.” “Be selfish, it’s the best way, when it benefits you! Socialism is good?”. Sending me mixed signals.

Seems like he only cares because he realizes it makes him hypocritical and I feel Joe Rogan is overly-sensitive about anything that could make him appear as homosexual.  So, that’s where the attraction in these leaders of men who don’t feel powerful, didn’t have fathers, and feel abandoned in the world are attracted to people like this. They seek guidance and found it.  I simply want to seek guidance from my friends and family. I don’t have friends and I don’t have family.  I should’ve shacked up with a wealthy girl in Colorado when I had the chance, right?. I thought that was such a shallow and shitty way to think. My parents would always say that. But, I chose to continue valuing making my own path. My brothers actually tried to hurt me during this time and that’s the only time they have done so. I think they were jealous that I was living on my own. I was struggling and poor. But I was doing it. I am capable.  Going down the path of addiction. I’ve been through heroin withdrawal 50-100 times. I chipped and shot up, used daily when I could. Got sick when I couldn’t. Benzos twice. SSRI’s once.  It’s similar to how someone who will never run out of money or be in a position such as yourself. Telling you to get a job and go to the doctor. After everything I just wrote(I don’t expect many, if anyone to read this and likely dismiss me as a severely disturbed individual to be avoided.). Keep in mind. A lot of the abuse from my parents, happened leading up to and AFTER my most recent suicide attempt. Calling me fat happened 5 months after I was released. I asked my Dad to stop calling me names “worthless fat piece of shit” or laugh when I’m making food. He knows I have a history of cutting and getting bullied. He’s just ignorant.  That’s why it’s weird to see him with such low energy and I feel there is something going on with him health wise. He is incapable of being nice for some reason. So, he is just not going to speak to me now. That is better. I wish he could just understand, admit his mistakes, and move on. That’s a trend in my family. No one admits mistakes. These people snap and go crazy rather than admit any sort of mistake. I used to be like that when I was younger. But I snapped out of it when I was around ~20yrs olds thanks to hallucinogenic drugs.  Alright, that’s enough. If I ever lose my vocal chords due to the throat cancer I likely have. At least I’m a decent enough writer. I could condense this greatly, by not rambling and getting my point across in a formatted/concise manner.  Typing and writing keep my fingers nimble. I started playing acoustic guitar last week. First time in a year or so. I might upload something.