#also everything is ok just sad and i need some time away from social media

[leafywillow]

Hello lovelies, just popping in to say I'm gonna be on a mild hiatus for a bit. Dealing with some IRL stuff rn and modding tf out of skyrim to cope lol. I will be back eventually and I'm still always lurking if anyone wants to chat! Love you all ok bye 💕💕💕💕

[chasedeys]

If Ja’marr managed to drag Joe out of Cincy and take an actual break - where do you think he would take him? 🤔

(Im depressed over the loss so I’ve been trying to think of happy scenarios for the pookies)

hiiiii as per usual this got long wkwkk and idk more delusional than usual and i kept being sad abt everything 😭😭 so:

they're on different states currently i'm pretty sure?? joe back in cincy terrorizing the bengals facility and himself there while ja'marr had his usual acupuncture rehab session back in nola and who knows if they're both still there. probably tbh. i fully support them being away from each other lollll take some time away from work after that shitshow and that unfortunately includes your best friend (who you are in love with etc) who is also your coworker!

i imagine ja'marr being on a social media cleanse (thank fuck i hope he doesn't tweet anything please for the love of god i need them all to shut up why do they do this) so he probably doesn't know that joe is at the stadium until somebody (his dad? sister?) mentions it to him and he's all 'of course he is. he's throwing with dan isn't he.' and he gives joe what a day or two to get it out of joe's system before flying his ass to cincy and nagging at the man to stop trying to twist himself up into a pretzel.

for those few days ja'marr does spend himself because he too needs it ja'marr drives all around nola, shoots the shit with some old high school friends, plays in his old hangouts arcades hooping idk does he hoop i think not, eats out with his family, does chores with his mom, eats his body's worth in nola cuisine that sports nutritionists would weep at, etc etc. (also i thought his son lives with his mom lol i thought she takes care of him when ja'marr's busy with the season apparently his bm does it??? but i imagine he'd spend some time with junior too he loves that baby like crazyyy)

ja'marr sends joe random pics of his days, a snap of his mom nagging at him because he keeps putting needless shit into the shopping cart, a random cat wearing a bell on the sidewalk, the setting sun, a cloud shaped like a football, some seafood boil, some old friends of theirs messing up his dining room table, etc etc. joe replies back in short sentences or just ok emojis. ja'marr doesn't take it to heart. several random times joe sends the world's most shittiest one liners for some reason and ja'marr hypes him up while simultaneously telling him he needs help.

would they go to miami and get joe on a boat 🤗 ja'marr probably tested the waters first lmao if joe would be susceptible to some forceful shenanigans outside of his comfort zone. maybe joe would be like sighing and going yeah sure whatever can't hurt at this point and mainly because he himself wants to put a smile on ja'marr's face. maybe it's like that gq magazine clothes saga/get me the fucking ball where joe realizes that ja'marr wants him on a boat with him via the media (talk to each other for the love of god why does ja'marr keep spilling shit to the media unknowingly making joe realize what he wants via said media 'i didn't know i do it through media' baby please. please.) imagining ja'marr trying to be sneaky getting joe on that fucking boat but joe knows exactly what he's doing because ja'marr can't lie for shit to him and joe just telling him to quit it he'll go on the boat with him ffs and trying to hide his smile when ja'marr starts lighting up in surprised joy (experiencing joy because you brought out joy in someone else!!! doing something outside your comfort zone to put a smile on someone's face!!!!)

maybe they'll miraculously show up for another bball game. pretty sure ja'marr only fucks with the lakers lmao so maybe they pop by for an at home la game (back to la....hmm.....or just their away games nvm. they play at suns again on the 27th lol), break bengalsblr for a second time with their 🤨🤨🤨 matching outfits and weirdly first date vibes. maybe joe will finally drag ja'marr to a ufc game for a change! (i don't actually know any ufc matches...google says the nearest is the 23rd and then dec 8th?? idk any of these people 😭)

doing some shopping?? finding more matching outfits specifically shoes bc apparently that's where they their fashion interests intersect?? god bless if ja'marr makes joe wear one of his chunky interesting boots.

museummm dateessss but specifically national history museums or those space science museums or dinosaurs museums or those creepy oddities museum do you think they'd fuck with that probably not tbh. maybe they switch things up do things that ja'marr wants (boats, bball games, etc) and what joe wants (museums, ufc matches, etc) that's so cute wow. but ja'marr waits patiently as joe nerds out on the fossils and gigantic ass 3d planet renditions and those augmented topography booths where they can move sand and it automatically changes the color projections??? ja'marr remembers joe talking abt this shit one time and does his due diligence researching where it actually is and takes the man there. joe looks on fondly as ja'marr gets into it himself because the science museum offers so many interactive shit even he gets excited for it when originally he just took them there for joe.

late night walks that seem supremely out of character tbh. post clubbing (?) but they find they cannot stand crowds that night for some reason so they walk out and just stroll the midnight away. hanging out on some bridge leaning over railings talking about some easy plays, some insane ones they've made and want to streamline, ja'marr shares some of his cute little bathroom mirror post it notes goals for the season, joe shares that he's considering switching up his throwing arm practices, joe says he wants to do some blocking and tackling exercises and ja'marr tells him to shut the fuck up....okay sure but don't actually try to do it in game unless he absolutely has to. drinking shitty corner store bought beers and making stupid little jokes about their mistakes they can finally make light of under the flickering street lights and shrouded moonlight and blood buzzing slightly from shit alcohol. i don't think they've ever actually been in the position where they won't make the playoffs together. last year joe was injured so it maybe doesn't count idk. playing so fucking well together yet not making it is…..befuddling. so maybe they'll spend some time talking about that and coming to terms on it too. (actual verbal communication...hmmm)

breaking into a random community outdoor basketball court and they didn't find any bballs to play with but there's a dilapidated little football (of course there is. sharing a little smile because of course there's a football in a basketball court for them. out of all the courts they could end up in.) for some reason so they throw and catch with little success joe throws for barely 3 yards but they make each other laugh because 'damn jb that's pathetic' 'well maybe you should run and catch it what are you doing just standing there' and then it turns into a little game of tag and joe straight up tries to tackle ja'marr except he's shit at tackling and ja'marr never goes down on first contact but he lets joe bring him down and they just end up caking their stupid expensive clothes with dust and dirt with lightly scratched elbows and shins, staring up at the night sky with barely any stars, the street lights irritating their peripheral vision, limbs slightly grazing each other's, finally quiet and settled, barely fidgeting like they've been doing these past few weeks.

they both send stupid little snaps (do they use snapchat??? or just instagram ig) to tee who replies back cursing at them for not inviting him. they pop by his place literally the minute he replies that because technically they're just waiting for an 'invite'.

little family get together where joe finally gets to eat the chase family seafood boil??!!?!?!? the chases comforting him too :( they should go to a pet kennel (??? what are these called omg im too tired to search 😭) and pet some dogs and cats for therapy tbh

before joe goes back to spend more time with his fam and ja'marr with his and whatever shit they want to do apart before back to the reality of practices and season games, they watch the la film together. nitpick on each other's game. apologize for their mistakes once and move on with improvements.

in all honesty if i was remotely aware what places to go to in america that would fit these two this'll be a longer list but well

but wait sorry if i can just yap a bit for the team as a whole ngl i think everyone being away from literally everybody in the team would be good for everyone as whole (yes even joemarr from each other and god why tf is joe in the facility ffs) like just keep to yourselves and stay the fuck off twt and ig jesus these dramatic ass men have they never heard of a 2nd acc or even a burner account. like stay with your family and recharge for at least 2 days idk 3 or a whole damn week actually then come back greet each other like you love them and let go of your baggage and start getting your shit together for real. the vibes are terrible it's so confusing you were THE team the past 3 years and the vibes changed to SHIT starting literally WEEK 1 that i believe is from the jamarr contract debacle suddenly playing game 1 and the entire thing finally got put to rest by ja'marr himself (as he should! the thing about joe and ja'marr is they fix their shit! they know they made mistakes and they actually fix it!! he knows the contract stumps his joy from playing so he left it behind and got his groove back literally scored 2 tuddys the next game). but i do hope they all learn how to navigate each other again and actually work together as a team and better their communication. it's kind of funny that they went on that bonding trip only to have the worst bench vibes that same game 😭. snapping at your teammates is normal tbh but letting that shit keep on festering without actually making an effort to fix it is just cancerous and on whatever miracle hail mary some of them still believe they can make the playoffs needs to start there. and maybe some audacious change in play calling lmao just try anything at this point.

ok bye hhh

[barcalover86]

Can u do a pedri angst where him and reader finally make it official after months of him chasing after her but the next day the paparazzi find him getting cozy with a girl qnd its all over the media and she feels embarrassed but he doesnt think its a big deal so they get into a fight but make up in the end

Breaking News- Pedri Gonzalez

S, f, a

I saw that you also asked someone else and they did it, but I am gonna still answer you, so I hope you will like this as well. Enjoy!

So here is Pedri's version:

Pedri fell in love with you months ago, and he knew that he wasn't your type. His schedule was always busy, and he didn't have time to be in a relationship, and you wanted something serious. That hurt him a lot, but he didn't want to give up on you. For weeks, he did everything to show you that he loves you and that he wants something serious, too.

After a lot of work, you agreed to be his girlfriend and it was the best decision. He was a sweetheart, always made time to be with you. You would go to his games to support him and he would always be there when you needed.

People knew that you were together, but it was not a secret, but a private kind of relationship. He tried to keep you away from all the social media, knowing how they could destroy couples. He tried so hard to be yours, and he didn't want to lose you.

Now, Pedri was coming home after a hard day. It was really late and he was tired, especially that people were all over him. He barely could drive, so he decided to open the window and to sign some things and make some photos for the fans.

He stayed there a lot, and right when he wanted to leave to come home to see you, a girl shouted his name to make a video of her. Pedri sweared in his mind before smiling at her phone. When he thought that she was done, the girl went over and kissed his cheek. People started to scream in surprise. Everyone was with cameras, and Pedri felt so bad.

He couldn't say much thing, especially to shout at her, knowing that this was going to be on all super media. He only said that what she did was rude and his face was really angry.

He left the place and went home to see you on the couch, waiting for him, sleepy.

He smiled at you and kissed you. The kiss started to become more hard and after some time you were both naked on the couch.

"If you are too tired we can-"

"No, no, please" Pedri interrupted you. "I really want it"

You smiled at his words and then continued what you were doing.

Next morning, you woke up in his bed, naked. The blanket being the only thing that was covering you.

Pedri was already awake, and you went to sit on his lap while he was playing with your hair. He put the blanket over your shoulders and kissed your neck slowly. The night you two had was magic. He made sure to make you feel good, and today, being his off day, made it even more perfect. You could be all day together and that made you both happy.

After he told you that he's going to take a quick shower, you went through your phone to see if are some news.

You were on ig and saw a lot of videos and photos of Pedri and some girl the night before. You knew it meant nothing, but the way he acted made you sad.

She was way prettier than you and you were afraid that he enjoyed her kiss.

When he came back from his shower and saw your uncomfortable face, he asked you what happened.

"Nothing"

"C'mon, Y/n, please tell me!"

"I said nothing, Pedri!"

He stayed silent for some seconds before speaking again.

"Did I do something wrong..?"

"Oh, really? I don't know, did you?"

"That's why I asked you!"

He was getting on your nerves now.

"I-" he tried to speak after you showed him the videos.

"I'm not mad"

He seemed to calm down at your words a bit.

"No?"

"I..I'm just...sad? Disappointed? Embarrassed?"

"Why!? Y/n, look, I'm really sorry, but I don't think it's a big deal..?"

You were shocked by his words. Not a big deal?

"Ok" you replied simply before dressing up and wanting to leave the house.

"Where are you going?!"

"Not a big deal, Pedro."

"No, no, don't go. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, please stop. Let's talk about it, please."

"What is it to talk? You already made a conclusion. Exactly as you said 'not a big deal', right?"

"Y/n-"

"I don't want to hear it."

"Please, don't leave me. Let me at least explain!"

"What to explain, Pedro, if for you it's not a big deal!?"

"I'm sorry I said that! It was so stupid, but I promise to you that I only said it to not talk about it because I felt horrible when it happened!"

"Oh, and you decided to not tell me, but sleep with me! How mature, Pedro!"

"No, no, please-!"

"Please, what?"

"Let me explain what exactly happened"

"Go on, then. Make it quick."

He explained everything that happened. Ehy he didn't want to make a scandal and just left without going into a fight. How he didn't want it to affect your relationship and how he is really sorry.

You also explained that you weren't angry with him or mad. You just felt insecure and embarrassed that he chose you out of everyone.

"For me, you're perfect, and I only love you, amorcito. Trust me, you have all my attention"

You smiled at his words and kissed him. That day, he did exactly what you told him, in a way to be forgiven. You were laughing at his silliness, but were so happy that you were spending time with him.

All day, he made sure to tell you how pretty you are and how important you are for him. He also promised that if something like that is going to happen again, he would make clear again that he has a girl home that he truly loves.

Masterlist

[callmewrinkles3]

Exclusive: Former Formula One Champion Daniel Ricciardo Releases New Autobiography, Exclusive Excerpts Inside

The Perth News, July 2035

One of the things I’ve been asked is why it took me so long to make my relationship with Em public. If I’m really honest I had more than one reason.

I’m the one who chose this. I’m the one who decided to go into racing, to pursue F1. I made that choice but my loved ones didn’t, and in this case Em definitely didn’t. When we met she had no idea who I was. All she knew was I worked with her neighbour in motorsport and travelled a lot. Even when she found out she chose to stay. She likes me for me and not for my job. It was never fair to make her have to choose between our relationship and her reputation.

More than once I woke up to watch her sleep, wondering what the hell she was doing staying by my side when everyone was throwing rocks at her for being there. But like Taylor wrote, people throw rocks at things that shine and nobody shines as brightly as she does. I always knew that, but some people didn’t and they decided to throw even more at her.

And then we started working together. Making that jump from our relationship to adding working with each other was huge, but the main reason we did it was she was already working with us without realizing it. Before she started she did freelance stuff, and when she had spare time between clients she helped Blake, and then she helped Michael. We were talking about how ridiculous F1 merch was at the time for fans and she had the glorious idea of making Ric3. Then we realized we couldn’t survive a day if she wasn’t there.

How do you explain to people that the woman you love is a genius? How do you explain to the world that she’s the reason your life became not only better, but easier? How do you explain and make strangers understand this beautiful woman is not what ridiculous rumors made her look like? That the reputation they invented for her was just that, a ridiculous baseless invention?

We knew we were in love. But we also knew that some people would think that she was the gold digger sleeping with her boss, or that I was abusing my power. That’s one of the reasons why everything to do with her work went through Blake. He was officially her boss, but really she was in charge. We always joked saying she’s our tiny boss because she really is. She told us where to go and what to do. And the reason we made all of these decisions was because I didn’t want to subject her to the media and paddock gossip. People make jokes about how small the paddock is and how much everyone know. It’s a rotating cast of 1,300 people who live together for half the year. Everyone knows everything and the partners of the drivers on the grid are the best gossip material there is and I didn’t want her to be part of that material.

Em has told me time and time again that it wasn’t our fault that we fell for each other from that very first night we met. She told me she could take whatever happened, and she did and she could, but she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve any of the things people said about her. It was my job to protect her and our relationship and the best way I knew at the time was to keep our love to ourselves, even when we wanted to yell it from the rooftops. Our friends all knew. A lot of people across teams I’d worked with knew. But we wanted something for ourselves. We desperately needed it. 

One of the biggest issues was that when we made the decision to tell people about us that option was taken away from us. It sounds silly but we never got to do the cute social media hard launch - and Emmy had chosen photos - we never got to say it ourselves first. I never got to tell the world “look at this woman who I’ve loved for four years and I feel ok and safe telling you all now.”.

I still remember that day like some kind of sad movie. In a year that was tough on so many levels, it stands out as one of the worst days. It was already hard for Em to go to the paddock. We’d gone through some personal things and she had to miss some races so the gossip machine was yelling all sorts of untrue lies. Coming back was difficult for her.

We had to work out a media plan, and the four of us decided to go our separate ways as soon as we got to the paddock. I went first with Michael, trying to keep the cameras on me. That way when she came in with Blake ten minutes later they could be ignored, it’d just look like two people with paddock passes coming in for the Thursday events. Once we got in it was straight to my drivers room and we could control it from there. Em would do the social media post from her account, when I inevitably got the question about how I was feeling about the race I’d answer “good, I’ve got my whole team around me again so things are great”, we could keep this to our schedule. The start of the plan worked. For some miraculous reason nobody bothered Emma so it was a win. At least, we thought so.

One of the things I hate to see the most is tears in my wife’s eyes. I’ve seen her cry with happiness nine times in my life, every other time she’s cried I’ve just wanted to fix things. And that day the tears were some of the worst she’d cried, and I couldn’t fix any of it. I came out of an engineering briefing to Blake pulling me into a corner to tell me “someone got a photo of you and Ems kissing goodbye this morning. It’s gone viral.”. It was such a hard pill to swallow, and I’m not exaggerating when I tell you my vision turned red and I sprinted across from hospitality to my drivers room where Em was sobbing her eyes out at comments being made about her. All I remember is my girlfriend, the woman I love more than anything in the world, sobbing in my arms because her chance to try control things and let it happen at her own speed was gone.

She knew people were wondering where she was and if she’d appear. Gossip sites online reported alleged sightings of her and that pressure was hard enough. But a photo of what we thought was our last private moment before willingly telling the world being put on social media without being asked? It hurt. It was supposed to be us and our best friends in an empty car park.It was supposed to be one last kiss with my girl while I was still just her Danny and before she had to share me with the world and act like I was just DannyRic. We know people always take pictures outside the paddock, we learn to live with it in some kind of way. It comes with the recognition or whatever you wanna call it. Its part of the job. But nobody was supposed to be taking pictures in that place that morning, especially not a photographer that should only work inside the paddock.

I felt like I failed her. Four years of protecting our privacy and trying to protect her and at the very last moment someone stole that away from us. All I could say was that I loved her but if she wanted to walk away I didn’t blame her, I’d book her flight myself. And then Emmy just looked at me and told me that nobody could get rid of her that easily.

When I tell you she’s incredibly brave and simply badass I’m not joking. There’s a reason some of the younger drivers called her Mama Badger. She was crying in the only place in the paddock where we got any privacy, but then she dried her eyes and covered up the signs she’d been crying, getting me to make sure she looked ok. And then the woman I had known for so long I was going to marry took a deep breath and held my hand to walk into the McLaren garage with her head held high. I could never forget it.

Emmy did it because she knew I needed her, and in the years since I still don’t have the words to thank her enough. I don’t know if I ever will. But the one thing I could do that day was try to control the only piece of the narrative that we had left, so after she gave the ok for me to give a little bit of information I went and did that interview with one of the few journalists we could consider a friend.

[imnotreal-png]

>:) -- Entry 1

OK i just smoked a joint after i wrote the date and now im kinda chillin but imma still yap on dis hoe.

I am a loser. Like a huge loser, okay? Like im not dumb or wtv, i may have reached a weird and insane level of self awareness, but im just as much of a loser as anyone else.

I keep catching myself trying to people please and overstepping my boundaries and justifying it with "oh everyone else does it, so what, its normal" like ok dumb bitch that doesn't make it okay, get a grip.

But i will be yapping away abt alot of stupid bullshit i deal with and stupid things make me sad. I am very well aware that I am irrational, but these are things i feel in those moments that i always hold in because i don't want people 2 see that weak side of me. It's embarrassing and it's not me.

In truth, i have nooo idea what i'm doing. I have 0 clue on where i'll be in the future. I didn't think i'd make it this far and not on some suicidal shit (idk if u can say that word here, oops.), i just genuinely thought that i'd somehow perish?? Like i wasn't really real in some weird way. I just didn't exist. Even though i was always the center of drama or the cause of all things chaotic, i was always misunderstood. god that's so fucking cringe but hear me out.

I always said shit that i believed was clear enough to be understood and yet it wasn't. Even my tone apparently has been rude this entire time. But no one would actually tell me how i come off, they just ate it up in silence and then spaz on me. Even now i don't really understand because i truly believe i am very clear on what im saying. Yet it's still...not seen the way im trying to show it? Idk if im making any sense bruh but whatever. Maybe im narcissistic but no one understands my brain the way i attempt to express it...or i guess how i see it. Idk i guess im just frustrated that no one understands me or gets my brain.

Also it's super cringe when people tell me im mature for my age. Literally eat my shit. actual ick. get away from me.

I hate my mom. She hates me too but she hates me bc I'm not the pussy she wishes she was when she was my age. She's the most childish person i know. I genuinely do not care what she thinks of me whatsoever. She's just power hungry and immature. Actually, I don't even hate her, i just hate that she gets to have all this power over me. I just want my freedom, thats it. She can hate my lifestyle or whatever the fuck, as long as im not living with her. At the end of the day, im truly content with who i am as a person and my moral compass etc, she cant affect that. I just need to have my own space and leave her household to finally be free and actually experience life in a comfortable and more peaceful way. I guess that's all i can say rn. I just wish she would respect my boundaries and stop treating me like im her competition and she'll always be superior. She won't and i cannot wait for the day she finally see's that lol.

!! super irrational moment alert !!

LMAO this is super cringe but like when i started music i put "listen 2 my moozik" in my bio bc we say muzik in albanian but americans wud have 2 read it as moozik to get it right + its funny? Ever since i started rlly getting exposure and performing out there, all these NON SLAVS/BALKANS have started putting it in their bio's 🙄 like be fr, its sooo obvious (at least to me). And now some of these mfs i've interacted w startes stealing my lingo and the way i type [this isn't how i type when i txt friends. its worse and i shorten everything in a miserable way cuz its funny] and it's cute at first but now mfs on social media posting the way i do and talking the way i do. [insert side eye bc yeah] and it's kinda cringe cuz they're actually rlly shallow and mainstream people, they just look like they trying 2 hard to be quirky. lol.

im probably tweakin tho idk.

i wish i grew up with art. i wish my parents had that and were able to introduce it to me. I feel like a fraud when i try to be creative and do things. Even with making music. As much as i enjoy it and love it and it really does make me happy, it feels fake. I can't play any instruments, i can't sing, im far from a good writer, fuck if know anything abt music theory...i literally just click buttons and make sounds on my computer lol. I didn't grow up indulging in art and creativity, i was actually always super bad at it. I wish i had a deeper connection with it. I wish i understood it better. I wish i expressed it better. I wish my ideas were my own. I want to be able to create something that is truly mine without feeling like im a fake.

UHHHH so imma just come on here and vent whenever i feel like i have something i need 2 say. This is intended for the void, if u come across it...cringe.

[joppaisla]

Bored, 19 (ish), and Weird: sort of nsfw..?

I hear screaming outside my door, not the murdery kind, that’s not this kind of book, or rather, journal. It’s a Friday night, and it seems like the rest of the world is having fun. Boys over at 1am, Drake playing from an RA’s room. It really does seem like every person on this floor is having fun. Except me.

Yes I know I’m being something of a sourpuss, spending my days complaining, or sleeping, or…well really nothing else. It’s a Friday night and what do I have to show for it? Well let’s look, I fished some strange cucumbers out of my fridge, I had put them at the wrong setting and when they defrosted they had become liquified insides and a still hard outside. It was like touching an alien’s penis, ok that wasn’t appropriate. Well my next activity of partying was just as grim, and embarrassing to share. After I threw away my strange squishy cucumber I was bored, and the first thing any human on this earth does when they are bored is masturbate.

It’s a go-to but also so depressing, most of the time I don’t even finish, its fun for a few moments, using my abused $15 bullet from Amazon but eventually it just gets sad. I start to see myself as the fruit fly living in my plants which has refused to die, lonely, slightly chubby, almost nineteen year old zapping herself for stimuli. That always takes me out of it. 

Next thing you know you’re drinking Trader Joe’s tea from a mug you stole from your roommate googling “Am I depressed? NO WebMD”. You get caught up in the semantics of it, “If I even have to ask I must be depressed” “No, a really depressed person doesn’t need an online quiz from 2013 to affirm them, you must be faking!!” 

I spend my time so wastefully I look up from my computer to see the sun has fallen, I get…sad. I wasn’t going to leave my room anyway, go outside and do what? Hang out with what friends? Go and get what food? Even though I was never going to leave my little cave I still feel sad knowing I can’t leave, at least not at the “raping hour”. 

So what’s the purpose of all this? What’s it mean to be a college freshman with no friends, no money, no job, no boyfriend or girlfriend. Well it means you invest in vibrators and one dollar ramen I’ll tell you that, but other than that? I have no idea. 

Freud told me that no-one who is happy ever daydreams, only the man with a unsatisfied life. I’d love to tell Freud beyond the grave how wrong he is but he truly isn't, at least not here. In fact I can’t wait for when I’m able to leave my classes and daydream. Mostly about romance and you know what but everything, from being a princess (yes I never grew out of those ones) to flying a plane, to being a celebrity, to writing the eulogy of an unknown family member. It’s honestly the best part of my day when I no longer have to pretend to live this life, I can do whatever I want, only of course in the confines of my brain.

That’s the worst part, being a brain, or a brain with a person attached. I am envois of every creature or insect I pass, I think “It has no idea how good a life it’s living”. I know it’s hard to hear from a white teenage girl in the middle of the midwest talk about the struggles of life and I don’t mean to mope but I truly think the bug has it better.

The bug has no needs it cannot meet, it wants food it gets food, it wants children it mates, none of this friends with benefits shit with bugs. Its life while yes full or fear and short lived will always be infinitely happier than the humans who step on it. It doesn’t have to every worry about matching socks or how their major and insect university will never make them any money. They struggle but are happy. 

When I get in these moods I try to reinvigorate myself by a good stalking of social media, stalking every girl I hate, every guy I’ve had sex with, sometimes a person is both of these things…Its a little pathetic to announce, imaging me, a spinster turned old hag looking through frenemies daily lives, chuckling a little to see they failed a test, gained weight, or got back with their ugly ex. For a moment I feel better, than my own patheticness seeps back in. Not only am I an old hag sitting along in my dark cold room on a Friday night but I can’t even doing it in peace.

Now I’ve exhausted every method of fighting off boredom and loneliness, everything returns here, back to nothing. Hey maybe I’ll try masturbating again.

[forcingthedramaventingtheemotion]

Anxiety

Is it anxiety? Or what is that?

It started with tiredness. Lack of desire. I had to talk with people, but I didn't want to participate. People talk to me, and I need to find from somewhere the strength to answer back. And as I don't know what to say, and don't feel like saying, I start the spiral self-criticism pattern, in which I find all my phrases and reactions dull.

I look at their responses, and I am not convinced. I guess I am dull. I guess I am a bored and annoying person.

Luckily it is not always like that. It is a weird feeling. I tend to blame others, but blame myself the most. I excuse myself with "this person does not fit me enough", and later scream that I am the dull one, I am the one who should stay at home and avoid contact with everyone to prevent the discovery of how dull I am.

After that, it comes the binging. I am finally home. But I have no strength. I will watch Tiktok for 2 hours in a row, Instagram for 1 hour, Netflix for 4 hours, Spotify for whatever how many hours. The important thing is that the sound is always in the background. And that I can forget myself for a while. Of course, at some point, it is not so effective anymore, so I start multitasking. I am watching one tv show after another while playing Tetris on the phone.

I tell myself. After that. After that I will read a book, I will go out, I go to the gym, I pick some water, I do something with my life. But after that is never just after. That is the thing about binging. You have no control. You are in a trance, you need to stay in a trance. To stop means to realize how your life is empty, how sad you are, how unmotivated you are, how tired you are, and how you just want to cry. In a trance you cry, but not because of you. You cry because of other characters, which do not exist, and still seem to enjoy their life much better than you.

And then I feel this heaviness in my heart. I know I am anxious. I can feel it. I know I am so silent and screaming at the same time. It suffocates sometimes. You feel the pump of your heart. But you don't know what to do with that. You don't have anyone. You are alone.

Of course, you have someone. You have a boyfriend, for instance. But somehow he doesn't get you. He doesn't like to talk about things. He is happy when you finish sharing something bad with a slightly ok sentence. He focuses on the positivity so much, that he is blind to the constant pain. He is another distraction. You change from social media to Netflix, to him. And that makes you worry, to question. Is it healthy to avoid burning your partner with all your emotions, or is it not-healthy to not see him as someone you can talk with? You realize you are not missing him. You are not missing anyone. You just miss not crying. You just miss having an interesting conversation. You miss feeling alive. But you also want to be alone and cry. Because you don't want to fake it. You don't want to make it seem that everything is fine when you don't feel fine. You are broke inside. You are overwhelmed. You are anxious. And you don't fucking know how to be near him like that. You gotta find a smile because you don't want to be responsible for a bad day. You gotta have sex right away because that is what you should want after 7 days together. You don't want to blame him for your loneliness because you know you are the only one responsible for it, and still you want to blame him so badly because you want his attention. You want him to feel so bad that you will feel bad and be able to talk. Otherwise, you just cannot talk. You are broken. And you cry all the time for realizing that this is not an over-expression of your feelings and emotions, this is so raw and true.

[letarasstuff]

Notice me!

(A/N): This was requested by an anon. I hope you like it1

Summary: Teenagers at JJ's daughter's school get attacked. Does she fit the victomology?

Warnings: feeling uncared for

Wordcount: 2.7k

✨Masterlist✨ ___________________________________

“Good morning, my lovelies. The good news: The case is local. The bad news: Somebody is attacking teenage girls from the same high school”, Penelope starts the briefing, dressed in a bright pink dress with matching accessories.

“Are they from the same class? Age?” Hotch asks, looking over the file. Upon opening her own, JJ feels like her heart stops. “Negative, the three girls are from different years even. The only connection is the school.” “It’s (Y/N)’s school. She-she is a Junior there. I-Hotch?” Desperately she looks at her boss.

The team’s eyes soften. It’s already difficult with minors involved, but when it gets personal the case is a thousand times harder.

“Call her and tell her we get her to answer a few questions. At this point we can be sure it’s someone from the staff or a student. Time is the essence. Reid and JJ, you get (Y/N). Morgan and Prentiss, you question the first two. Dave and I take the last one and then go to the crime scenes. Garcia, I want you to find out anything about the victims and their families. Check their social media sites and look out for anything that connects them”, the Unit Chiefs orders.

Everybody gets up immediately. JJ has her phone already at hand. The longer it takes her daughter to take the call, the more nervous she gets.

“Mom? Did something happen? You know exactly I’m at school. I don’t wanna get in-” “Honey, Uncle Spence and I come to get you. There is something we have to question you about.” The teenager is silent for a moment. “It’s about the girls that got beaten up, isn’t it?”

Her mother sighs. Of course nothing like that stays quiet for long. “Yes, it is.” JJ doesn’t see the point in lying to her. “Ok. Uhm, can you just question me at school? I really don’t wanna leave, because I have soccer practice after school for the game this evening.”

A little light blinks at that in JJ’s mind. “Isn’t it that important game, where scouts are coming?” (Y/N) begins to smile. Her mother remembers it. Maybe she does pay attention to her. Maybe, just maybe, she pays enough to come and see her. After all she even took a day off for Henry’s recital last time.

“Yes, you said you will come and cheer for me.” JJ’s heart aches. She knows that her oldest often backs down due to her mother’s job. More often than the blonde agent likes to admit she has stood her daughter up to save someone’s life. “I try to be there in time, Honey. I can’t promise you anything, though. Just let us hope we solve this case quickly, ok?”

(Y/N)’s shoulders drop. Of course, how could she be this naive to think her mother cares enough to at least try to make it to her probably most important game? “Alright. Text me when you are here or just get me excused at the secretary's office. Bye.”

JJ looks at her phone in puzzlement. The teenager always is understanding of her job and the sacrifices it takes. One night under a lot of tears she confessed to her mother that everytime she is away on a case, she is in the greatest state of worry. Will reported repeatedly that (Y/N) is miserable whenever her mother isn’t at home.

So she told her daughter about the pact she made with her sister. Any time they miss each other, they go out and look at the moon, knowing that they see the same. JJ also admitted that she and Henry are the reason she is even working as a profiler. The agent wants to make the world safer for her kids. A safe space, where they can grow up and go to the park without worrying about Stranger Danger or anything else.

“Is everything ok?” Spencer asks as he sees his best friend frozen on the spot. JJ looks up to him, spotting concern in his eyes. “Yeah, no. I don’t know? It’s just, (Y/N) has an important soccer game tonight with scouts coming and such and I’m not sure if I can get there in time because of the case. She sounded really sad when I told her that. You know, I’m incredibly proud of her for getting this far and she plays really well. Scratch that, she is amazing. Especially knowing (Y/N) is responsible enough to think about college in her junior year makes me swell with pride”, she gushes unknowingly.

Spencer smiles. “I see, she is just like her mother. I’m sure (Y/N) will come around, she loves you so much and knows how difficult our job is.” JJ nods, trying to believe him.

Not long after that the duo enters the secretary’s office, explaining the situation. He immediately notifies the teenager’s teacher and a few minutes later (Y/N) opens the door. “There is an empty classroom we can use, I already asked Mr Boyle. He is such a sweetheart”, she tells her mother and uncle.

“Thank you for consenting to answer our questions. (Y/N), do you know the girls?” Spencer begins after settling down. “I do. One of them, Amy, is on the soccer team with me. We mostly talk about her family. She is in love with her little sister. The other two, Rosa and Gina, are in Freshmen. I tutored Gina briefly until her mother said she doesn’t need it.”

Unfortunately (Y/N) isn’t able to tell more useful information. “Thank you so much, Honey. Have fun at your practice later”, JJ tells her while embracing the teenager. “Yeah, thanks. Do you come home tonight?” Her mother sighs.

“I get it, you don’t know. Ok, I don’t wanna interfere any longer. Maybe you are able to solve the case faster. Stay safe. Love you!” Quickly she picks her bag up and leaves the room.

JJ looks at the genius with a face that says “Do you know what I mean?”

“My lovelies, all three girls don’t have the best connection to their parents. They often complain about the missing approval. Do you think that it’s a kid from their classes?” Garcia informs them as the team gathers back around the round table.

Rossi shakes his head. “The crimes are too organized for a kid. Every girl was drugged, but we don’t know how. Then the UnSub waits for the drug to kick in and takes her to a vacant spot, where the beating occurs. And all of this happens right after classes end. It has to be a staff member, probably a teacher.”

“Yeah, but there is one detail that doesn’t sit right with me”, Derek pipes up, “The connection between the girls is the bad relationship with their parents. It has to be someone, who is reminded by their own dysfunctional family.”

“Garcia, look for someone from the area, his comfort zone shows that he knows remote areas that you don’t find by accident. He has to be from D.C.” Spencer instructs her.

“Okidoki, boy won- Wait, are we looking for a male?” Hotch nods. “We are, the amount of strength used to beat up the girls suggests a male, same with the amount of hatred.”

Emily looks unsure. “This sounds all right, but why is he choosing the girls? What does he relive by hurting them? How does it help him?”

JJ wants to partake in the mindstorming, but a ping from her phone distracts her from saying her thoughts out loud. It’s a text message from (Y/N)

If you find the time in your busy schedule to read this, be informed that Will and Henry won’t come to the game tonight, because Henry has a spontaneous playdate. Don’t worry, he brought me my inhaler to school already.

(Y/N) sighs after sending the text. Is it really too much work for her mother to make room for her? This is probably the most important event in her whole school carriere and she decides that a team of masterminds need her more than her own daughter.

Hurt by the clear ignorance she shoulders her bag and makes her way to the counselor’s office.

“Come in”, a warm voice invites the teenager after her knocking on the door. “Hey, Mr Pembroke. Uhm, I have a class before soccer practice and I wanted to ask you if I can put my bag here? I know I got a locker, but I still got my mom’s birthday present in there and I’m scared I’ll leave it in my classroom and have to run back to get the bag if not another kid already took it away.”

Mr Pembroke looks at her with a smile. “Of course, (Y/N), I don’t mind. Speaking of your mother, will she be there tonight? I really hope so, because you are a star on the field. She’s missing out otherwise.” At the end he winks. He is just that kind of guy. Working with kids makes him desperate for appearing younger than he really is, but that is also part of Keith Pembroke’s charm.

“Unfortunately my whole family isn’t able to come. It is like- I mean I get it, serial killers are dangerous and it’s important and the right thing to chase them down. But do I not deserve some time with my mother?” Mr Pembroke evolved into a moral support over the past school year since he started his job at (Y/N)’s high school.

He always has something noice and wise to say. “You do. Everybody deserves some time with their family and especially with their parents. Why don’t you talk to them after all this is over? I can help you work on what you can say.”

Happily the teenager takes the offer and rushes to her class.

“Guys, I might be onto something”, Spencer rips everybody from their train of thoughts. JJ looks at the watch on her wrist. (Y/N)’s game ends in about five minutes. And she sits here, stumped one the case she stood her up for.

“So we thought about how he chooses his victims. The only connection we found was them having a bad relationship with their parents. But how would the UnSub know? They didn’t share any classes.

“But there always is one person, who knows about the student’s problems. They tell them voluntarily”, he finishes, giving his colleagues the opportunity to answer it themselves.

“The counselor!” Rossi exclaims, wondering how they oversaw the obvious.

Penelope’s keyboard is practically on fire from her fast typing until she nearly shouts: “I got him! Keith Pem-” The rest goes under in the loud ring from JJ’s cellphone. “I’m sorry, but this is… (Y/N)’s school! I-” Hotch nods, giving her permission to take that call.

“Jennifer Jareau?” She can’t wait until she is out of the conference room. Now that they know who the UnSub is, JJ is more on edge than ever. “Uhm, Mrs Jareau, I call about your daughter, (Y/N). She is on her way to the hospital, she collapsed during the soccer game. We suspect an asthma attack, even though she used her inhaler.” The teacher on the phone gives her a few more information before hanging up.

“I-I’m - (Y/N), she is- hospital. Her inhaler.” In that moment she makes all the connections. “Garcia, look for the girl’s medical history. Pembroke exchanged (Y/N)’s inhaler, I’m sure he did. Look for it in the other girls. I have to go, she is at the hospital right now.”

In a way even Derek Morgan would describe it as reckless JJ speeds to the hospital, ready to fight any regulations keeping her from seeing her daughter sooner. “I’m here for (Y/N) Jareau. J-A-R-E-” She tells the woman at the reception breathlessly.

“Oh I got her. She is in room 99. (Y/N) was unconscious for a certain amount of time, but she is slowly regaining her senses. A doctor will meet you there.” Before she even finishes her sentence, the blonde leaves the desk into the direction of the appointed room.

In fact there is a doctor waiting for her, updating the mother on her daughter’s condition. “I advise you to not overwhelm her. Her mind is still foggy and there may be things that don’t make sense right now coming from her. But (Y/N) will make a quick recovery, being good as new in only a matter of days.”

Cautiously she enters the room. The teenager might be awake, but her mind clearly is elsewhere. “Hey, Honey. It’s me, your mom. How are you feeling?” JJ asks softly, taking her daughter’s cold hand into her own gently.

“Oh, hi Mom. I didn’t know you found the time to actually come here. Isn’t there like a bad guy out there waiting for you to slap some handcuffs on him?” Ouch, she doesn’t expect that kind of honesty. But it’s true and JJ knows what (Y/N) is talking about.

She sighs. “I’m sorry, Honey, for being seemingly absent from your life. I swear, you can’t imagine how proud I am of you. I mean, you play soccer and there might be a scholarship in sigh. And even if you don’t get one, you can do anything and I would still be proud to call you my child.”

(Y/N) turns her head around, looking deeply into her mother’s eyes. The blonde can see all the pain she brought onto her bundle of joy. “Mom, I don’t even enjoy soccer as much as you think. I only do this, because I thought there would be finally something we can bond over. But I clearly didn’t calculate your stupid job in.”

JJ kicks herself for overseeing her daughter this much. She never stopped to acknowledge her oldest child’s accomplishments in front of her team and family. She always told everybody in the BAU what (Y/N) is up to, if they asked or not is not her problem. But in the whole process the agent forgot the most important person, the one who reached all those goals.

“Oh Honey, I’m so sorry for letting you feel like I don’t want to partake in your life. I- I was just so invested in your life that I didn’t think about you. You don’t have to do anything that I like to get my attention. You can join the school band playing the triangle and I would practically make t-shirts for the whole team sporting your logo.

“Anything you do is enough for me. You don’t need to change yourself to appeal to others, not even me. I’m sorry for letting you down. I love you so much and I hope you can forgive me.”

It seems like (Y/N) needs a few seconds to comprehend her mother’s statements before answering them. “I just need a mom, who is there more often. That would be enough for me. Just once every three games is enough. To let my friends know you care. To let me know you care.” JJ gets tears in her eyes. She promises to be there more often, fully intending to keep that promise.

“Good, now that we have that sorted out I need you to come into bed with me. I feel I could sleep for at least a year because of Mr Pembroke’s really weird tasting substance in my inhaler. Can we just cuddle until I feel like I’m my old self?” JJ smiles while happily laying down next to her daughter, engulfing her in a hug, still being cautious of all the tubes she has going in and out of her.

“I love you so much, Honey Bun”, the blonde murmurs, stroking a few strands out of her daughter’s face. But (Y/N) is too tired to answer. She just nods and cuddles closer to her mother before falling asleep.

Meanwhile, JJ watches over her like a hawk. Not even Will is allowed to come closer to her than two meters (or roughly six and a half feet for Americans), not wanting anyone to disturb her daughter’s peaceful sleep.

Taglist:

All works:

@dindjarinsspouse @big-galaxy-chaos

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl @herecomesthewriterwitch @ash19871962

[taestefully-in-luv]

Always You | JJK (Five)

Summary: you and Jungkook have been best friends since freshmen year of college, there’s a lot of unsaid feelings and tension but neither make a move. what happens when his friend Taehyung (also your crush) needs a fake girlfriend?

Pairing: Jungkook x Female reader, slight Taehyung x Reader

Genre: friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, slight slow burn, roommate au, college au, SMUT (starting ch2), fluff, angst (in later chapters) slight crack, lots of drama

Word Count: 12.1k

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol consumption, sexual tension (?) sad oc, mentions of sex, kind of over the clothes action, drama, heated dance session lol, slight memory of sex, hair pulling, back scratching, mention of boner, second chances (?)

Notes: Okay, first of all THAT 1st TEASER PIC!!! DID WE SEE THAT? *chefs kiss*. Anyway thanks for comments you guys leave I really love reading them!!! Remember to send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or just want to chat about the story:) have a great week everyone!

Taglist: @mooniyooni @thisartemisnevermisses @giadalin @kookiebunny097 @cosmosjk @moonchild1 @just-jeon @anpanman-sonyeondan @starlight-night0 @yessii-i @apollukee @mikasaredscarf1 @kaye-rosales @bunnyjeonjk @dyriddle @seagulljk @hass-mich-los @peachy-skz0325 @wonusbitch

© taestefully-in-luv

Previous --- Next

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May

Gloomy: The dictionary may describe it as hopeless and despairing but really it should just be a picture of your sad, sad face.

1 month…yes, one whole month has passed since you last spoke to Jungkook. No text, no calls, no random show ups, nothing. Gloom. Gloom. Gloom. Graduation came and gone so quickly…you walked the stage with your friends minus two but honestly you can hardly remember the event. You tried your hardest to be as excited as everyone else but the feeling of gloom stayed with you.

By the end of the month you finally started accepting he isn’t coming back and right around that time you actually heard from him—Jungkook that is. He sent you a pathetic text that he’s moving out and will be by to retrieve his things. More gloom.

The next couple weeks after that are a blur, you recall the sound of movers throughout your apartment. You didn’t have the courage to speak to him…you didn’t have the courage to even leave your room if you didn’t have to. You were so wrapped up in everything you didn’t even consider that fact that you will have to find a new roommate to cover the other half of the rent.

Every day just dragged on, every day a repeat of the last. Wake up, drown in black coffee, scroll mindlessly through your phone and work your full time job. You called in sick too many days already so you have to go or you’re at risk at getting fired. The same day, every day. The same gloomy fucking day.

Jimin tried to call or text every day to make sure you were like, alive. He apologized over and over for not telling you as soon as he found out about the Taehyung situation but he felt that if Taehyung was going to tell you then it is best it comes from him and not Jimin. You can understand that. He also frequently would show up at your apartment to surprise you but you rarely let him in. You did feel bad though, he’s just trying to be there for you.

Jimin 6:04pm

Please let me in?

Jimin 6:05pm

Well…I have some take out for you babe, ill leave it on the doorstep.

Jimin 6:05pm

Call me sometime ok? Love you

Guilt would consume your body but you just couldn’t deal with human contact right now.

June

Around month 2 you finally felt okay to see people again—your close people that is—aka Jimin was finally allowed in, he made you take a hot bath while he cleaned up for you and made you a proper meal. The amount of instant ramen containers lying around the place was by far one of the grossest things he’s seen. The shit that was growing…he shudders just thinking about it.

He would come over every day after work in the evenings. He left day time babysitting to Trina.

“Girl…all this over a boy?” she would constantly say.

You also tried applying for job after job, but the postgraduation life is harder than you thought…at least for you. Jimin landed a job as a kids choreographer, Trina starts up at one of the local elementary schools as a kindergartner teacher and you? You’re still working at the bakery down the street. You applied for many entry level positions in the marketing field but failed miserably in interviews…which only further discouraged you and worsened your mood.

It was also around this time you decided to finally delete Jungkook off all social media and block his number. You refuse to hear from him at this point…not that he was reaching out or anything. You wonder what he’s up to postgraduation? No, you don’t want to know or care. You considered hanging up a picture of his face on your wall so you could throw darts at it but you decided that was maybe on the crazy side. Taehyung sends you weekly texts, asking about how your day/week is going. He updates you on his life as well, apparently he got the curator assistant position at the museum that he wanted. You still feel hurt over everything but you are happy for him. It’s funny, you feel so betrayed over that but Jungkook is the cause of your gloom.

Every day just drags on, you feel heavy everywhere you go. Even when you’re just at home in bed.

By the end of the month your friends somehow convinced you to go on a date—a horrible date at that.

He was awkward as hell, a bad kisser and would lightly…tap your ass in attempt to be sexy. It was a disaster, you don’t even remember what the two of you even talked about at dinner. You just remember his tongue being horribly shoved down your throat and his weird ass tapping habit.

July

Then month 3 finally came around. A month where the weeks went by breathing became just a bit easier. Yes, any and everything still reminded you of Jungkook but it didn’t hurt as terribly as the previous months. By the end of the month you even agreed to your first real social outing. You are hesitant, but you agreed…

“I don’t know guys…a birthday party? We like, don’t even know the girl?” you frown, nibbling on the flesh of your bottom lip.

You are sitting in the middle of your bedroom floor, clothes piling all around you as you try to decide on what to wear.

“You need to get out babe…plus it’s a friend of a friend, so it’s cool.” Jimin says holding up a rose colored crop top, motioning for you to nod yes or no to his suggestion. You cock your head to the side, deciding what pants to go with it.

“I have to say I agree with Jimin, y/n.” your new roommate Holly chips in, “Since I’ve moved in I don’t think I’ve seen you go out even once.”

“Also a party is the best place to find some easy dick.” Of course that’s what Trina has to offer.

“Yes to the crop top Jimin.” You point your head towards the shirt, “Okay don’t have to call me out like that Holly.” You glare at your roomie, “And Trina, we both know I ain’t ready for no type of dick.”

“So we’re looking for some pussy tonight?” Trina smirks, “Nice.”

You rolls your eyes, a chuckle escaping your lips, “Shut up.” you throw a pair of shorts at her face.

“But seriously y/n…Maybe Trina is on to something…” Jimin sits down next to you, crossing his legs in front of him, “Maybe this is a good chance to like—”

“If you say move on I will literally kill you.” You cut in, “There’s nothing to move on from!” you throw your hands up dramatically. “Taehyung used me, Jungkook wants nothing to do with me. And—”

“Then why aren’t you ready for any type of dick?” Holly puts in her 2 fucking cents.

“Because I don’t want to be associated with any boys! Jimin is the exception.”

“Somehow I don’t feel flattered by that…” Jimin puts a hand on your shoulder.

“When’s the last time you got off?” Trina abruptly asks. You turn your head in shock at her shamelessness.

“Trina!”

“Answer her, I’m curious too.” Jimin squints at you trying not to laugh.

“It’s…” your eyes slide to the side, “It’s been a while.”

Trina shakes her in disapproval, “Damn girl, really? My fingers constantly playing DJ, you know what I’m sayin?” Trina goes in for a fist bump but you just push her hand away.

“You’re gross.” You laugh out loud, and it sounds like music to everyone’s ears.

“I’m just real babey.” She flicks her hair back with a proud smile on her face.

Having these 3 around has no doubt helped you deal with the loss you feel. You feel like you are still mourning the dead. How’s Jungkook even doing? You’re too afraid to ask Jimin. Too afraid that he’s doing amazing without you. He must of realized how much better off he is without you around and that makes you feel small.

“Fine…” you mutter under your breath…Jimin snaps his head to look at you, his sly smile growing as he watches you fiddle with a short mini skirt.

“Fine what?” Trina asks with a smirk.

“Let’s find me some dick tonight.”

“Hell fucking yeah.” Jimin claps his hands together, “Tonight is about you!”

“y/n makes her debut tonight! She’s hot, she’s single and she is ready to mingle!”

You can’t help but giggle, your hands bunching up the material of the mini skirt as you look down at it, making your decision.

“Let me get ready and we can get this night started!” you rush to your feet, all the sudden feeling excited for tonight. You are going to actually do your hair and your makeup—you even shaved. You are definitely breathing easier tonight and you have to take advantage of that!

“Let’s do shots as we wait girlies,” Holly shows a bottle of rum she had hiding behind her back, shaking it in excitement.

“Naughty girl.” Jimin winks, standing to his feet, heading towards the kitchen to grab some shot glasses.

You get ready quickly, but taking your time where it counts. You give yourself a once over in the mirror and you have to say you are impressed. Your black jean mini skirt sits right below your ass, while your tits pop in this rose crop top. You wear short heels, and simple jewelry with just the right amount of makeup that makes your features stand out, and you have to say you would kiss yourself if you could—you look fucking good.

“woooooo” Jimin and Trina whistle out at the same time as they walk back in your bedroom.

“I’d fuck.” Jimin says plainly.

“Same as fuck.” Trina says bluntly as she swallows down a shot.

“Yeah you look pretty y/n!” Holly smiles, not really on the same level of honestly as your other two friends.

You burst into giggles, throwing your head back in approval. “Thanks guys…..Lets fucking do this.” You walk towards Trina and grab her shot glass, and you take the bottle from Holly, pouring yourself a shot.

“Ready to fucking mingle.” You gulp down the rum, the burn only encouraging you, the warmth stinging your entire chest and you couldn’t feel more content.

This house was one of the bigger ones, it was full of people and more people and like, more people. You managed to swallow down 3 or 4 shots back at your apartment and the alcohol is definitely working its magic on you, the world just a little nicer.

The amount of people doesn’t even bother you like it usually would, instead you find yourself barging through the front door and making your way to the dance floor with your 3 friends trialing behind you.

The heat of the living room is already intoxicating you, the amount of bodies rolling and grinding makes you feel loose and free. Before you know it Jimin is pushing a drink into your hands and you hug him gratefully as you begin chugging it back.

“Woah slow down, we have all night—actually fuck it, I like your spirit tonight!” he chuckles lightly, his hands going to your waist, rocking you to the beat of the blaring music. Trina and Holly disappear into the kitchen to grab more drinks while you and Jimin dance to whatever b…t…ah, forget it, you forgot the band’s name.

“Are you having fun?” Jimin slurs out, his eyes barely visible as he laughs at nothing.

“So much fun!” you yell out over the music then you lean down into his ear and whisper, “Thanks so much Jiminie…I know I was a little difficult…”

“A little?” he teases.

Jimin’s eyes travel behind you before they are widening. You notice, of course. You are about to turn your head to take a look at whatever he is seeing when his snaps back to you in panic, his troubled smile growing.

“Let’s go find Trina and Holly, yeah?” he tries to usher you toward the kitchen and you oblige. Too drunk and feeling too good that his odd behavior goes ignored by you.

“Kay!” you smile, hooking your arm with his. “Letsa go!” you say like you’re fucking Mario.

The two of you walk to the kitchen, finding Trina and Holly playing a game of beer pong with two random guys.

“Hello my bitches!” Trina hollers over the thumping bass, as she scores a cup of pong, her other hand on Hollys lower back.

“Wait, gotta use the bathroom, be right back!” you slur into Jimin’s ear, he just nods distractedly as he watches the game, laughter erupting his body for probably no drunken reason.

You walk back into the living room and start heading towards the other side where the bathroom is. The journey to the bathroom is fun, you accidently bump into a lot of people but they don’t seem to mind as they will just drunkenly smile at you and you would smile back in your own drunken daze. You skim the room with a dopey smile on your face, just admiring the crowd. You are shocked with yourself…you missed people and you cannot believe it. You continue to observe when your eyes land on tattooed hands. The hands are grabbing a handful of ass on the dance floor. You know these hands. Your eyes travel from his hands to his strong arms to his face…it is hiding in the nook of some girls neck and you feel like someone knocked the wind out of you. Jungkook.

He is kissing on some girl, no doubt leaving bruises behind from his attack on her neck. His hands cupping this girls ass so tightly, he guides her hips into his. You watch as she throws her head back in pleasure and you see him smirk. All his signature moves. You are left speechless. What could you even say? Why does this hurt? Why does this make you feel fucking sick? Why does it feel like you aren’t supposed to be witnessing this? Well, you know why but god, why?!

“y/n!!” It’s Jimin, jogging up behind you, “Fuck, I was trying to avoid you seeing this…” he admit softly, “I swear I didn’t think he was going to be here tonight…he didn’t seem that interested when I asked him about it…”

“It’s fine Jimin…” you mumble.

“Does it feel weird? Seeing him with this girl…?” Jimin is obviously trying to get you to admit something right now but you are not in the right head space to even give it a second thought.

“Why should it? Plus I’m used to this…she’s just some random girl for one night.” You twirl the ends of your hair between your fingers.

“Oh babe…” Jimin glances down at the ground, “This girl…she…he’s brought her to every party for the last month…” Jimin sounds as sorry as you feel.

The same girl? That’s impossible, you scoff. There’s no way Jungkook is actually seeing someone. But that doesn’t stop your stomach from twisting and turning and making you feel fucking sick.

“What do you mean?” you finally slur out, leaning your frame on Jimin.

“He brings her and they leave together too…” Jimin holds on to you, “I haven’t really asked him about her though.”

“Whatever. Fuck him, right? I won’t let this ruin my night.” You smile coyly, draping your arms around your friend. “Bathroom please.” You pout theatrically, pointing your head towards the bathroom.

“Okay let’s get you peeing in peace.” Jimin laughs, guiding you towards the door.

Once at the door, you knock a couple times to find that it is empty, “I’ll wait for you out here.” Jimin assures you.

Once inside the small room, you bunch up your skirt and pull down your panties, squatting on the toilet. You sigh in relief as you pee, but the relief you feel in your body stops when you recall the way Jungkook held and kissed this random but not so random girl.

Why should it bother you? It’s about time Jungkook got serious! But why did he have to dump you to achieve that? And why did It have to be with someone el…

You reach for the toilet paper, ripping it after a few sheets and wipe yourself as you drunkenly sing a tune. So what? You can easily replace Jungkook too!

You stand up, pulling your panties up and your skirt down and take a long good look in the mirror. Your hair is still intact, your makeup is only a little smeared—quick fix, and your tits are still poppin’. This night is just beginning, you decide. A whole new wave of confidence begins washing over you.

“Ready!” You pounce on Jimin’s back, he stumbles forward while laughing wholeheartedly.

“Should we look for Trina and Holly again? They’re probably still playing beer pong!”

“Sure.” You smile, walking hand in hand with Jimin as you make your way back to the kitchen.

Hours pass and you are now outside on the back porch piss drunk with your 3 friends and a couple new friends. Nick and his pal that you can’t remember the name of—but you remember Nick. He’s really tall and has nice muscles covering his body, his light hair is messy and looks like you would have fun pulling it.

“And that’s why I think aliens are already here bro, like they are probably here at this fucking party bro.” No name friend finishes his point. Nick holds in his chuckle as his drunk friend rambles.

“Totally bro.” Then his eyes land on you. Fuck, were you staring? Oh well, it’s best to get to the point. You two have been making eyes at each other all night and it’s time to make the next move.

“Hey Nick, wanna grab a drink with me in the kitchen?” you inquire with a sly smile.

Jimin’s eyes widen before he’s smirking “Don’t be silly, wrap that willy.”

Trina and Holly laugh at Jimin’s words while you turn fucking red with embarrassment.

“Sorry about him…” You excuse Jimin, but you continue to smile slyly.

Nick grins with all his teeth as he takes your hand and leads you back inside the house. His hand is much larger than yours and you are already imagining what his beefy fingers will do to your vagina. God, what’s his dick like???

You enter the kitchen and you and him walk towards the cooler full of beers, he lets you stand to the side as he goes to grab them.

“Nick!!!!” you hear a familiar voice and you wince. Jungkook stands next to the cooler, his hand wrapped around the girls hand, but he briefly lets go of it to dap up your fuck for the night.

“What’s up bro!” Nick returns the handshake, a wide smile on his face.

They know each other?

“I thought you said you weren’t coming tonight?” Jungkook’s hand goes back to holding on to the girl.

“I wasn’t going to but,” he nods towards you, “Glad I did.” He winks. Jungkook’s eyes follow Nicks nod and when he sees you stand there awkwardly he goes completely pale. Your eyes meet uncomfortably, Jungkook let’s go of the girls hand without a second thought.

“y/n?” he questions with a pained expression.

“You know her?” Nick asks, totally out of the loop.

You shift from one foot to the other, not really sure what to do or say. So you settle for his name. “Jungkook.” It feels foreign on your tongue. Like if you said it 3 times in a mirror a sinister ghost would come to murder you.

Jungkook opens his mouth then closes it then opens it then closes it again.

“Baaaaabe,” the girl next to him whines, “let’s get out of here already.” She says, not even acknowledging your existence.

Jungkook shamelessly eyes you up and down, his shock is very evident as he looks at you.

You can’t help but smile a little, knowing you look damn good.

“Let’s go too, Nick.” You saunter to his side, grabbing a hold of his bicep.

That’s when Jungkook knocks out of daze, his brows crease as he looks between the two of you.

“Wait—you and Nick?” he asks, completely amused.

“Is that a problem?”

“Nope.” Jungkook looks fucking smug as he smiles, his hand going to grab the girls hand again. “See you later?” he asks you. You of all people! “Uh? Probably not?”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” Jungkook winks, turning around to leave as he leads his girl out.

Nick just continues to smile, completely oblivious, “So cool that we all know each other!” he grips on to your waist.

“Wait, how do you know Jungkook?”

“We—”

“Wait, it honestly doesn’t matter. Let’s just get out of here.”

“My place?” Nick breathes into your ear, he pushes your hips into his crotch so you can feel his half hard cock.

“Why are you already getting hard?” you tease, leaning up to kiss his neck.

“Honestly, I can’t stop staring at your tits. And I am imagining all the things I want to do to them.” He confesses hotly.

The uber ride to his place is short, only 10 minutes and it goes by quickly as you two have one another’s tongues down each others throats. His hands traveling all around your body, he even manages to slip his fingers past your panties to feel how wet you are.

“Fuck I can’t wait to get you inside…” his rapid breaths fan across your face as you nibble on his neck.

“Gonna fuck me?” you whisper quietly, not trying to get heard by the Uber driver, but you could also hardly care if he hears you or not, he gets 5 stars.

“Want you to ride me.” He palms his cock through his pants as he imagines you bouncing on his cock for him.

“If you deserve it like a good boy.” You replace his hand with your own, rubbing him ferociously over his jeans. You haven’t felt dick in months and the feeling is driving you absolutely wild, you haven’t felt this needy in a long time.

The Uber comes to a stop, parking in front of an apartment building. He lets the two of you know you reached your destination. You and Nick giggle as you thank him and stumble out of the car as you follow him to his apartment. He would stop every few seconds to plant kisses on your lips and grab your ass with a tight squeeze. He groans and rolls his eyes back as he explores your body.

“Wait til we’re inside,” you breathe out, your voice silky as hell.

Finally, after a short, kiss filled elevator ride later you arrive at his front door. His lips never leaving yours as he pulls out his keys, fumbling with them until he finds the right one.

He pulls away for a second to unlock the door and desperately pushes it open to let the two of you inside. Your lips are already back on his as you two trip into the entry way of the apartment, you walk him backwards, until his back is against a wall.

The apartment is dark besides the living room TV, you take a second to pull back and admire Nick’s fucked out expression, the blue glow of the TV making everything feel surreal.

You dive back in to kiss him, he prods his tongue into your mouth, swirling it around with yours making you moan into his mouth.

“Hi guys!”

Your eyes shoot open, mouth still attached to Nicks. You push your head back, disconnecting from Nick and yank your head to the left where you see a wild Jungkook sitting on the living room sofa, his mouth full of the cereal he is eating. He is wearing the most shit eating grin you have ever seen on him.

“Jungkook?! What the fuck?” You spit out, totally fucking shocked. Like, obviously.

“Hey man…” Nick breathes out heavily, trying to speak properly, “I thought you would be at Vanessa’s tonight?”

“Nah,” Jungkook smiles, “Dropped her off and came home.”

HOME?

“H-Home?” You look between the two guys, what the fuck does he mean by that. This is Nicks place, right?

“Oh you didn’t know?” Jungkook nods his head toward Nick, “Nick here is my beloved roommate.”

“What the fuck…” you mutter under your breath, trying to understand the mother fucking situation. Were you about to fuck Jungkook’s roommate? Are you still going to is the real question?

“Wait, how do you two even know each other?” Nick starts to look antsy, “Don’t tell me she’s one of the girls you’ve fucked…come on bro, leave some for the rest of us.” He chuckles somewhat bitterly.

“No!” you’re quick to say. You begin smoothing out your skirt, then your hair. “We just…”

“y/n is my bestie!” Jungkook grins, putting the cereal down and standing up. He walks forward until he is making a triangle with you and Nick.

“Was.” You spit out harshly, crossing your arms across your chest. Nick just stands there confused as hell, looking between the two of you.

“Anyway, I should get going.” You turn your body to Nick, a look of apology on your face.

“What? We can just go to my room?” he slurs, tugging on his pants uncomfortably, his boner still apparent.

“Sorry, no longer in the mood.”

You pull out your phone to order an Uber when Jungkook takes your phone from you.

“I’m not drunk, I can drive you.” He offers. You push your head back in disbelief, how does Jungkook have the AUDACITY to offer that to you?

“Why the fuck would I want that?”

“So we can…” His eyes slide over to the ever growing confused Nick, “Talk.”

You haven’t spoken to Jungkook in 3 months and today is finally the day you are able to breathe a little easier and he just has to barge back in.

“Like I said,” You snatch your phone back from him, “Why the fuck would I want that?”

Nick shifts around uncomfortably, his eyes darting from you to Jungkook.

“Well, I am gonna head to my room…uh, bye y/n…it was nice meeting you…I guess…”

You and Jungkook both turn your heads toward Nick at the same time, eyes shooting daggers at him.

“Yeah, bye.” Jungkook dismisses his roommate, his jaw clenching.

“Nice to meet you too…”

Nick walks backward until his back meets his bedroom room, he looks at the two of you one last time before turning around to disappear into his room.

“I said, let me drive you home.”

“And I said, why the fuck would I want that?”

“y/n don’t choose now to be difficult.” Jungkook takes a step closer to you, his hands running through his dark, messy hair. His eyes shut in frustration, “I just want to talk to you.”

“And I don’t want to talk to you.” You take a step back, “Plus, how would your girlfriend feel if you took me home?”

Jungkook’s eyes narrow, his mouth setting in a firm line.

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Could of fooled me and like, everyone else.” You scoff.

Jungkook bites down on his bottom lip, not knowing what to say. While she’s not his girlfriend she’s also not not his girlfriend. It’s complicated.

“Can I please, just please, can I take you home?”

“No, Jungkook. The fucking audacity,” you scoff again, “You haven’t spoken to me in 3 months,” your voice fucking cracks and you feel like dying. “Don’t start now.”

“y/n…” he runs another frustrated hand down his tired face, “I didn’t mean for it to go this long…” “I don’t fucking care, Jungkook.”

You feel your chest begin to burn, and your eyes begin to gloss over but you won’t cry. You won’t give him the satisfaction.

“I want nothing to do with you.”

You stare at the phone in your hands as you begin ordering your Uber when he yanks it from your hands once again, he hides the phone in his back pocket and you snarl.

“What the hell Jeon?”

“I said I am driving you home so we can talk so that’s what we are gonna fucking do, okay?” he grabs your hand and begins walking you towards the front door. There’s something about Jungkook...you decide to listen. You watch silently as he puts on his shoes and grabs his wallet and keys.

“Okay…” you finally answer, your voice timid.

He said you guys are going to talk but the car ride has been mostly silent save the low radio playing in the background. Maybe it’s better this way, you think. You aren’t sober, that’s for sure but you also don’t think you are drunk enough to handle this properly. You decide maybe that’s also for the best.

“You sir, are a fucking asshole.” You speak up, your fingers playing with the zipper of your purse. The car smells like it always does, his fresh laundry car freshener and you get sucked into a million memories linked with this scent.

“I know.” Jungkook eyes you from the driver seat, you shiver from the running AC and so he turns it down, “There’s a blanket in the back if you want to grab it.”

“No thanks, don’t know where that’s been.”

“It’s clean, I promise.”

Your eyes go wide as you recall his last promise to you…”Just a few days. I promise.”

“Yeah, I don’t actually believe in your promises anymore.” You continue to pick at the zipper of your purse, your eyes never leaving the zig and zag of the material.

“I needed space y/n, fucking sue me.” He groans out, his fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“Oh I wish I could.” You snap back.

You feel your chest burn and tighten again, your eyes slightly watering. You have to force them shut to keep from any tears growing.

“I called and texted you every day.” You whisper, his grip getting tighter on the steering wheel.

“I gave you a few days Jungkook. But I never heard from you until 11 at night one night telling me you are fucking moving out.”

“I know, that was…fucked up, I admit. But I had to do what I had to do and I just wish you would let me explain that—”

“No.” you cut him off, “You don’t deserve to explain anything.”

“You mean so much to me y/n…”

“Don’t.”

Jungkook pulls over on the side of the road, turning off the ignition.

“What are you doing?” you sputter out.

He clicks his seatbelt off his body and turns to face you, “Getting comfortable.”

“Why?”

“Will you look at me?” Jungkook tilts his head towards you, “Will you please look at me?”

“No.” you stay facing forward, your hands folded in your lap.

“y/n…please.” His voice sounds strained and you almost feel bad. Almost, but not quite.

You don’t need this…you don’t need him. Ouch, you feel pain in your chest as you think that…oh, the lies you tell yourself.

“Say what you need to say Jungkook, so you can take me home.” Your face stays neutral.

Jungkook sighs out, feeling almost defeated, but not quite.

“I…I am so sorry.” He finally says.

“About what?”

“Everything y/n.” his voice cracks and somehow you feel satisfied.

“You’ll have to be more specific if you ever want my acceptance”

“I know…the first thing I am sorry for is not telling you about Taehyung. That was…that was wrong of me—”

“No shit, but go on.” Your voice stays steady as you speak.

“I was worried about other shit, I was selfish and it’s taking me a long time to forgive myself…but I’ve thought a lot about it these last few months and—and…”

“Oh? You’re worried about you forgiving yourself? Shouldn’t you be a little more concerned about I don’t know, me?”

Jungkook frowns at your words, because well, you’re right. And he’s getting to that part but you keep interrupting him. But he lets you.

“Yes. I am most worried about you, of course.” He breathes out. “You have no idea what these 3 months without you have felt like…”

“Really Jungkook? If anyone knows its fucking me. I went 3 months without you too. You left me!” you start to lose your composure as you speak, your hands gripping on to your poor purse. “When I was going through a really hard time you straight up left me.” You whisper.

“Please believe me…I had my reasons. It was truly for the best y/n.”

“For the best?” you scoff. “You’re such an asshole.”

Jungkook winces at your words, he knows you mean them and that hurts him even more.

“Can you just trust me?” Jungkook blurts out.

Huh? You shake your head, disappointed he would say something so …well, ridiculous.

“Just stop, Jungkook.” You hesitantly roll your eyes, still shaking your head.

Jungkook licks his lips over and over, trying to figure out his next words.

“I really really,” he begins to lose it, his eyes darting all around the car. “just need you to trust me.” He blinks repeatedly, his eyes not focusing on anything in particular.

You, of course, do not believe your ears. Trust him? How could you possibly trust him?

“I just really…I really had my reasons y/n. And I’m sorry, but I just need you to just trust me, that I had my reasons and that I do care about you.” His voice is shaky and you’re uncertain how to take this information.

“I’m confused…” you begin, you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. “You want me to trust you? Even after you left me? Even after I ‘threw myself’ at you?!”

“You weren’t in the right head space y/n…you were vulnerable and…and you didn’t actually want me. You just were feeling used and rejected and needed something to make you feel wanted. To feel better. You wanted to use me for that and I couldn’t let you. But how much could I handle? You liked one of my friends, dated him…sort of, even slept with him and I had to be your shoulder to cry on when,” his breathing picks up heavily as he tries to speak, “it doesn’t matter.” He grits out.

You sit there…speechless. He wasn’t wrong, was he? You were feeling lost and rejected and used and you just wanted something or someone to feel better and who better than your best friend? But it’s also his fault you needed things to work out with Taehyung in the first place!

“Jungkook—”

“I’m not done.” He breathes out, his hot breath reaching your skin.

“I needed some space to think. But I realized I couldn’t properly think things through if I saw you every day, so yeah, I moved out. I’m sorry…” He runs a hand through his hair, a light chuckle makes it way past his lips “Then I met Vanessa.”

“I don’t want to talk about your little girlfriend.” You turn to face forward in your seat, your eyes glancing at the stop sign ahead.

“I told you, she’s not my girlfriend. But it is complicated.”

You continue to look straight ahead, your heart racing in your chest. The subject of “Vanessa” making you feel anxious.

“Complicated how?” you gulp.

“Don’t worry about it.” He laughs to himself, you turn your head to look at him.

“Are you serious, Jungkook?”

“We fuck y/n.”

“But it’s more than that right?”

“Yeah…” Jungkook bites down on his lip.

You look at him bewildered.

“Do you like her? Love her?”

You grip your purse in your lap, waiting for his answer. How would you feel if he answers yes? Are you brave enough to endure that answer? And if he says no? should you be happy? Should you feel relieved?

“No.” he closes his eyes, he folds his hands in front of him. “It’s complicated.”

You sign in relief—oh. Relief is the emotion you are feeling. Why? Why should it matter?

“Why are you telling me all of this?” you whisper.

“I want to be friends again, y/n.” he says softly, his eyes searching yours.

This is madness, how the hell could you save this friendship? Your face scrunches up and the first couple of tears slide down your cheeks, you shake your head as they continue to fall.

“You don’t know how this makes me feel…” you cry out. “I don’t even know how it makes me feel.”

You miss him, so fucking much and he’s right here offering himself to you. But you ‘re so hurt.

“y/n…I know I hurt you. But you gotta believe me when I say it is the hardest thing I have had to do…you understand that right? I had to do it…you understand right?” he begs.

“You were so quick to abandon me, Jungkook.” You drop your head into your hands, the tears uncontrollable now.

“I…” Jungkook begins to panic, his own eyes glossing over. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. Please y/n…I can make it up to you.”

“Things would never be the same, you get that right?” you bawl into your lap, your words coming out broken.

“Please baby, I just need you in my life again…” Jungkook admits, his own words choppy. He reaches his hand to touch you, to his surprise you don’t flinch. His hand cups the back of your head and he begins to massage it softly.

“I have missed you so much and nothing I mean nothing can replace you.” He hesitates to continue, “trust me…I have tried.”

You sob into your hands harder, the weight of his words crushing you.

“I’m sorry Jungkook but I…I don’t believe you.”

Jungkook’s eyes widen as he absorbs your words, his mouth falls open in shock. Don’t believe him?

“What—what do you mean? What are you saying?” his panic filled voice makes your stomach churn.

“I reject your offer. Now please take me home.” You lift your head and stare straight ahead. “I’m serious.”

Jungkook face twists into a bewildered expression, he doesn’t believe his ears. You…reject him?

“Wait—”

“I said take me home now.” This time you snap your face in his direction, the cold look in your eyes piercing his very soul.

“Okay.”

Hopeless: the dictionary describes it as without hope ; despairing. But in reality, it’s just a picture of Jungkook’s poor, poor face.

Jungkook parks in his designated spot in the lot of his apartment complex, he reverses in because why the hell not. So extra. His drive home was silent… not even the radio on a low volume keeping him company, just complete silence. He turns the car off but doesn’t make a move to get out, he just continues to sit here in his car and sigh out dramatically every 5 seconds.

He’s so confused and lost on what to do. He bangs his head against the steering wheel a few times just for the hell of it, he just…he didn’t think you would reject him. But honestly? Can he blame you? All he’s done lately is be selfish and mess up over and over again. But he wishes you could just trust him but he also wishes he could just tell you the truth. Maybe then you could understand his position and you wouldn’t be mad at him anymore. But he has to wait.

Jungkook’s head is still banging against the steering wheel when more thoughts of you bombard his mind. His breathing picks up and he starts to sniffle, he doesn’t want to cry but you just…you don’t want anything to do with him. He balls his hands into fists and hit the steering wheel over and over causing the horn to go off a few times but he doesn’t care he’s so upset, he just….

When Jungkook saw you tonight for the first time in 3 months he swears his heart actually stopped. He swears it raced so quickly that it just stopped. He let go of Vanessa’s hand so quickly because he wanted to rush to you and hug you close, he wanted to just feel you. Not having touched your skin for the last 3 months…he doesn’t want to imagine even another day.

A few tears slip past his closed lids, he chuckles darkly as he recalls you and Nick. He thought, wow, the universe is cruel and also hilarious. His fucking roommate? He shakes his head, laughing again but his lips remain downward. He feels so fucking helpless right now. But he deserves this, he deserves to feel this pain. He did this to himself and he’s fully aware of that.

Jungkook thinks of your face, he thinks of your smile, he thinks of your eyes and he cries harder, his tears landing on the steering wheel and sliding down landing on to his lap. Yes, he feels like all hope is lost but he knows he cannot give up. He will win you over again one day. He lifts his head and wipes his tear streaked cheeks with the back of his hand and breathes out steadily.

“y/n…” he whispers to himself. Your name leaves his mouth in frustration. He won’t give up. He can’t.

~~~~

“And they were roommates?!” Jimin shouts, a banana half sticking out of his mouth, Trina gasps and whispers “Oh my god they were roommates.”

“Yeah, it was a total shit show.” You bang your head against your breakfast table. Holly rubs your back as she sits next to you.

“Then what happened?” she pries further.

“Yeah what the hell happened y/n!” Jimin yells out.

“He asked to be friends again…and I totally rejected him. Maybe I was too harsh? He was so sad guys…it makes me think…I might agree to kind of being…friends?”

Jimin shuts his eyes as a frown decorates his face, he places a hand on his hip and he inhales a sharp breath, “Listen…you’re both my friends and of course I want you to be good again…but he hurt you …bad.”

“I know Jiminie, but his reasons…” you bite your lip, “Never mind.”

“Well, I don’t like it.” Trina butts in. “He fucking left you, remember?”

“Yes Trina, I fucking remember—”

“Then fucking act like it!”

“Trina relax,” Holly intervenes. “They have a long history, right? It’s hard to just forget about everything…”

Jimin stands from his chair, hands on both hips. “Fine, if we are doing this…then you better actually try. Don’t half ass shit, if you’re going to be friends then don’t be an asshole to him, don’t make snarky remarks…I know your ass.”

Jimin has a good point, you haven’t actually thought about how you will act.

“I’ll be a good girl.” You raise your right arm to salute him.

“Fucking smart ass.” He rolls his eyes.

“Are we serious right now?” Trina shakes her head, “You moped around for 3 fucking months y/n. You cried every time you even thought of Jungkook…which was a fucking lot.” She points out, “Listen, you stayed strong when you talked to him in the car. Don’t break just because you feel bad for the dude because he’s fucking pitiful. He doesn’t deserve your pity girl. He’s an asshole!”

“Trina, be nice.” Holly says sternly, reaching forward to grab on to Trina’s hand. Trina visibly relaxes and nods her head towards Holly and smiles softly.

You and Jimin share a look. Are they….?

“You…” You slam your eyes shut, Trina’s words ringing loudly in your ears. You know she’s right. “I’ll think about it some more. For now, I gotta get ready for work.”

~~~~

“Doesn’t Hazel look so pretty here?” Adam shoves his phone in your face as he gushes about his girlfriend.

“Yes dude, she’s so pretty.” You deadpan. “Now can you please put the brownies in the oven? We’re low.”

“Wait wait…here’s one of us together at the park.” He nudges his phone in your hands, you roll your eyes but you take it.

The two of them are sitting on a park bench, she’s leaning into his frame and they both have wide smiles on their faces. They seem so in love. And you know they are because fucking Adam reminds you every 20 seconds.

“Their love makes me sick.” Jade walks over, her hands patting down on her work apron, her tone is bland but she still tries to smile. “Like, we get it.”

“Who loves who more?” you begin with a toothy grin, “Adam to Hazel or Lenny to the sugar cookies?” you laugh while pointing at said Lenny stuffing his face with the reject cookies. Jade and Adam chuckle while they stare at him.

“Hey guys, really?” Lenny says with his mouth full. “You know I feel bad when we throw them away.” He pouts, crumbs decorating his lips.

“Lenny I catch you eating fresh ones all the time!” Adam points out.

“Sometimes they’re a little ugly…” Lenny reasons, “So I…”

“You don’t have to explain my guy, you just really love your cookies.” You hand Adam back his phone as you head towards the walk in freezer to take out the brownies yourself. You load up a tray and stick those suckers in the oven.

“You’re useless Adam.” Jade sticks a piece of gum in her mouth and chews obnoxiously “U-s-e-l-e-s-s. Useless.”

“You’re always so mean to me Jade what did I ever do to you?”

All 4 of you shoot your heads up when you hear the bell go off on the door of the bakery, its loud chime signaling the arrival of a customer.

“Oh.” Jade says while popping a bubble. “It’s your usual customer y/n.”

You tilt your head towards the front of the store to get a look at who she is talking about, and yup its him. Your most consistent customer who orders the same damn thing every single day. 2 oatmeal raisin cookies and that’s it.

“Can someone else just take care of him today?” you whine, “I’m not in the mood to argue.”

“You know he’s just going to ask for you…” Lenny says stuffing his face with another cookie.

“God damn it.” You huff out, you grab two gloves from the box on the counter and begin walking towards the front of the store.

You reach the front counter and take in your enemy—you mean, your customer.

“And what do I owe the pleasure Mister Oatmeal Raisin?” you raise a brow towards the man. He’s only a few inches taller than you, his hair is a sandy color today and you hate to admit it looks good on him.

“You know you could just call me by name.” the man sways side to side with a smirk on his face.

“I like Mister Oatmeal Raisin.”

He has been coming to this store for the last couple of months and you two…don’t necessarily get along swimmingly. He complains a lot and is a total smart ass. And you? Well, you’re not much better.

“Well, I’ll have my usual.” He smiles, “And you know the drill, please make sure there is a normal amount of raisins and not a million, I don’t want 8 raisins a bite. But one every now and then.”

You roll your eyes extremely dramatically, pressing the buttons on the screen for his order.

“Sir yes sir.” You salute towards him, “How could I not know the drill?”

“That’s the spirit.”

You spin on your heels and head towards the back to heat up his two cookies. You carefully select one cookie with barely any raisins and one cookie with a million, just like he didn’t want. You cackle to yourself as you place them in the baggy, feeling beyond satisfied.

“How haven’t you gotten fired?” Adam crosses his arms over his chest as he watches you, “And how hasn’t he complained about you? You do this every time I don’t get it.”

“He likes her.” Jade says plainly while scrolling through her phone.

“As fucking if!” you scoff, “He wants nothing but to annoy me!” But you can’t help but smile.

“He literally only asks for you every time you’re in.” Lenny reasons, “but you shouldn’t like him back…he likes the worst cookie on the menu. Sugar is where it’s at.”

You laugh at your coworker while walking back up towards the front of the store, reaching the counter.

“Your cookies!” you hand him the baggy with an evil smirk, “I hope you enjoy them.” You wink.

The man opens the baggy and inspects each cookie and with his own evil smirk he winks back at you, “Are we serious right now?” his sly smile doesn’t leave his face as he begins to complain, “You are such a brat.”

“$4 Mister Oatmeal Raisin.”

He hands you the cash, you put it away quickly and with a wide smile you gesture towards the door for him to leave.

“Min Yoongi.” He shakes the bag of cookies in front of him, “Not Mister Oatmeal Raisin.” He turns around and starts walking towards the door but before he exits he tilts his head to look at you one last time, “See you tomorrow…y/n.”

You feel a harsh blush creep up on your cheeks, or your whole face actually. Maybe your whole body. You feel taken aback he knows your name but then you remember you have a god damn name tag.

“Uh…yeah.”

“See you tomorrow…y/n.” all 3 of your coworkers mock in a deep voice.

“Shut up guys!” you whine into your hands, “Can we please just get back to work!”

~~~~~

A few weeks later

The drive to Jimin’s is a quick 7 minutes but you did take a little detour. You decided to stop at the pizzeria that’s on the way and grab a hot pizza for the two of you.

“Hehe.” You look over to the steamy food sitting in the passenger seat.

Jimin has been such a great friend to you all this time and you feel like you’ve never really thanked him…so, tonight you two are going to have a fun night in—he just doesn’t know it yet.

Who doesn’t love being surprised with food?

You pull up to Jimin’s apartment complex and after driving in circles you finally find a parking spot. You grab your purse, your backpack, and the pizza and make your way up to his apartment.

You knock on his front door a few times but get no answer. Maybe he’s not home? No, you definitely hear music coming from the other side…so, you decide to call him.

“Hello?”

“Jimin~ let me in!” you sing into the phone.

“You’re—you’re here?”

“Let me in already!” and with that you hang up and wait patiently outside the door.

A few moments pass before the door is opening up, when Jimin really registers that it’s you he’s kind of closing the door until only his face is shown through the crack.

“Ummm…yes?”

You quirk a brow at the boy, “What do you mean ‘yes?’ let me in!” you begin walking forward when a panicked Jimin opens the door wider to let himself outside and shut the door behind him.

“y/n…why are you here? Did we have plans tonight?” he looks down at the pizza in your hands.

“Not exactly…” you admit, “But I figured we could have a night in.”

Jimin frowns. Fucking frowns!

“Or not?” you say awkwardly.

You hear some sort of banging on the other side of the door and then it clicks.

“Oh? You have someone over?” you smirk.

“Uhhh…no. Nothing like that.” Jimin’s eyes slide to the side as he tries to think of what to say next.

“Babe—”

“Jimin!”

The door is being swung wide open and your eyes travel from some horrendous toes socks to some tight jeans to a striped t shirt to yes, Jungkook’s surprised face.

“Oh.” You both say at the same time.

You and Jungkook stare at one another for a few moments, neither of your eyes leaving the other when Jimin clears his throat.

“Sorry y/n. Jungkook is already over…” he gives you an apologetic smile.

“Is it just you two?” you ask quietly.

“Huh? Uh, yeah.”

You glance down at the pizza and think to yourself. You and Jungkook may not be friends but you can be civil? Yeah, totally! You can definitely be civil! You already bought this fucking pizza so you and Jimin are going to eat it! And you guess, Jungkook too.

“Okay, let me in.” you start shoving your way past Jimin, you watch as his and Jungkook’s eyes go wide.

“Maybe you didn’t hear him, but I am already hanging out with him?” Jungkook sputters out. He awkwardly moves to the side anyway to let you through.

“I can be civil with you Jungkook. Plus, I don’t want this pizza to go to waste. So let’s eat.” You walk through, nudging the pizza box into Jungkook’s hands, he takes it while looking at Jimin with shocked eyes.

Jimin just shrugs and follows you inside.

“Yeah, let’s eat.” He says nonchalantly.

Jungkook is left at the door with the pizza in his hands as he is left completely dumbfounded. He is malfunctioning.

“Jungkook?” you call out over your shoulder, “Hurry up, I’m hungry!”

“Yeah, Jungkook hurry up!” Jimin smirks, he isn’t totally sure what’s going on but he kind of likes it.

“So what were you guys doing before I got here?” you shove an entire slice of pizza down your throat, the sauce getting left behind on your lips.

“I was teaching Jungkook some of my dance moves…we made a bet that he couldn’t learn the entire routine in 3 times…and—”

“Let me guess, he fucking learned it.” You laugh.

Jimin groans, his head thrown back as he begins nodding his head ‘yes.’

“So annoying! What can’t he do!” Jimin throws the pizza crust in the box and Jungkook immediately picks it up and eats it.

“Pshh, I could name a few things.” You point out bitterly. “But we won’t get into that.”

“Yeah, please don’t.” Jimin pleads.

“I’m curious…what is it you think I cant do?” Jungkook quirks a brow at you and your eyes darken in his direction.

“You really want me to?” you take a napkin and wipe your lips, “It’s nothing nice.” You admit.

“Oh then yes, please don’t.” Jungkook is quick to say.

“Yes, please don’t.” Jimin begs again.

The 3 of you are sitting on the living room floor, maybe only 30 minutes or so has passed by and it’s not too awkward. But it’s not necessarily comfortable either. Jimin looks between you and Jungkook constantly, waiting for someone to crack but neither of you really speak to each other. Both of you really only communicating with Jimin.

“So Jimin, are you going to show me another routine?”

“Why? So you can prove you’re the master of everything again? No thanks.”

“Jimin, maybe you can show me a few steps?”

Jimin smiles awkwardly while Jungkook is quick to burst out laughing. You snap your head towards Jungkook and raise your brows at him.

“Why is Jungkook laughing, Jimin?”

“Umm…” Jimin smiles softly, “You aren’t the most…”

Jungkook laughs harder as he watches Jimin trying to explain.

“Aren’t the most…?” You tilt your head towards the boy.

“C’mon y/n don’t make me say it…” Jimin drags out his words in a whine, he plays with his fingers, looking around the room awkwardly.

“Just say it Jimin.” Jungkook chuckles out.

“If you’re trying to say I’m a bad dancer, we all know that’s not true!” you defend once you catch on, you pout at the boys.

“Well…”

“You have both told me I am a good dancer!”

“Well, you know how to move. But steps…following a routine…that’s different. You aren’t very coordinated.” Jimin finally admits, a sheepish grin on his face.

“He means you can roll your hips but your feet are clumsy as fuck.” Jungkook says, still laughing at the situation.

“Shut up.” You glare at Jungkook.

“No, he’s right.” Jimin begins laughing as well, he looks at you and smiles. Well, if Jimin is saying it…maybe it might be true. It’s not like you didn’t kind of know. But still!

“Fine, whatever. Don’t teach me then.”

Suddenly, Jimin’s phone is going off and he rushes to the kitchen to answer it. You and Jungkook eat your pizza in silence, awkwardly catching one another’s gaze.

“So—”

“Don’t talk to me.” You cut in. Jimin isn’t here so it’s not like you have to be totally social with Jungkook.

“Oh.” Jungkook dramatically slumps his shoulders and pouts. You watch him as he throws a silent fit like the baby he is. “Okay.”

Jimin walks back into the living room looking annoyed, he stands between you two and throws a hand on his hip.

“I have to go down to the front office, there was a mix up in packages…I shouldn’t take too long…” he bites down on his plump bottom lip, “Please be civil while I’m gone. Jungkook…” he looks at the boy then at you, “y/n…” he warns.

“Sir yes sir!” you salute towards your friend with a straight face.

Jimin only narrows his eyes as he looks between you two.

“I’m serious…” he says.

Then he is putting on some shoes and heading out the front door, the soft click making you shudder. You’re alone with Jungkook.

A few minutes pass and you both awkwardly just sit there, sometimes catching the other looking. You finally huff out and accidentally giggle.

“What’s funny?” Jungkook’s curiosity getting the best of him.

“It’s just…I feel like we’re Jimin’s divorced parents and we’re trying to be civil for our child.”

Jungkook stares at you with scrunched brows, then looks away while a chuckle escapes his lips.

“Yeah. You’re right.”

You only nod your head in response. You two go back to the awkward silence.

You aren’t used to this…this awkward and odd silence that lingers between you two. It feels so fucking suffocating you almost wish you were on total talking terms so you didn’t have to endure this shit show.

“You know I could…no, forget it.” Jungkook bites his nails as he speaks, “I…”

“What?” you don’t mean to snap at him, but somehow even talking with an attitude feels better than not talking at all.

“I was going to say…I could teach you some steps…then you could surprise Jimin. He’s been working on a salsa piece…I can teach you some? Then maybe he will stop talking shit on your dancing.” Jungkook laughs awkwardly.

“Wait—he talks shit?!” somehow this doesn’t surprise you in the least.

“Only a little.” Jungkook shows you how little with his pointer finger and thumb. “But uh, want me to show you?”

“I don’t even want to talk to you, you think I want to dance with you?” you raise a brow in amusement. You forget this boy has all the audacity.

“Dancing doesn’t have to have any talking.” Jungkook states with a sly smile.

“So you’re just going to show me the steps?”

“Precisely.”

You don’t know why, but this sounds better than actually speaking and/or just sitting in miserable silence. And maybe, just maybe you have a desire to be close to him.

“You think I could learn in time before Jimin gets back?”

“With me as your teacher? Definitely.” He fucking smirks at you and you can’t help but feel that feeling in your stomach. Not necessarily a bad feeling but a fucking feeling.

Jungkook stands to his feet and extends his hand out to you for you to take.

“Here, stand up.”

Your eyes travel from his hands to his eyes and you blink lazily at him…wait, you’re really doing this? He stares down at you and he smiles softly and it creates a warmth in your chest that you’re trying so hard to ignore. You can’t.

Even so, you hesitantly begin to reach up to grab on to his hand, once your skin touches his you feel it. The burning. You should be used to it but right now, the fire is raging and the heat is almost too much. But you let him close his hand over yours as he helps you up.

You’re now standing in front of one another, in complete silence again. But this time it’s not awkward—no, it’s a different type of tension. Your hand lingers in his, neither of you brave enough to let go of the other. Jungkook looks down at you and you up at him, and you feel a million things. But the number one thing you feel is pain. You slowly pull your hand back and break eye contact with him, your head dropping low.

“Show me already.” You whisper.

“Shh, no talking.” Jungkook quietly demands. “Only speak with your body.” He puts some music on the speakers and smirks at you.

Jungkook steps closer to you and you stay grounded in your spot, you can feel the heat of his body begin to radiate and warm you. One of his hands find yours, he weaves his fingers through your own and puts one hand on your hip, he looks down at you to warn you this is how he will guide you.

“Just follow me.”

“You said no talking Mr.Jeon.” you say almost under your breath as you stare into his eyes. Jungkook rolls his head back with a smirk on his face, he looks at you and nods.

He puts his left foot forward and steps with his right foot in the same place at center, then puts his left foot back again. You try to copy his moves but even with such simple steps you step on his feet. He looks up at you disapprovingly. You only smile at him.

You two continue to try these steps until you finally manage to understand them even just a little bit. Jungkook brings your body closer to his as you two move your hips to the music while following the simple steps. His chest flush against your own, his heart beating so loudly you can feel it. Your heart isn’t any better. You start to finally get the hang of it, the music slowly taking you to another place. Jungkook moves his hips to the beat so flawlessly and honestly? You’re doing pretty fucking good if you do say so yourself.

Jungkook’s grip on your hip tightens as he grinds himself closer to you, you feel lightheaded as you two dance to the song. Your breathing getting just a little heavier and you feel lost and pathetic but you’re too immersed in the dance to care. Jungkook finds his head falling into the crook of your neck, his hot breaths fanning against your sensitive skin and you find your hand skimming up his back until you have a handful of his hair. You lightly tug on his locks and Jungkook quietly groans. You don’t know if you’re even doing the right steps anymore, your feet moving all around the place, but somehow it’s working. You’re still following his lead and you’re sure the dance looks somewhat okay. All you care about is how both of your hips move to the beat of the music and into each other. You two are so in sync its driving you nuts.

Jungkook lifts his head and watches as you close your eyes and he closes his own eyes, his head falling forward, your foreheads close to touching. You feel so dizzy, so light and airy, so fucking great like you’re floating. You can’t help but feel the heat creep up your entire body, you feel sweat start to build as you two move. You tighten your hands around Jungkook’s neck and pull him down impossibly close, until his forehead is touching yours. Your harsh breaths mingling with his. You get dragged into the memory of when he had you pinned to his dorms mattress, you recall how his lips left kisses all along your throat, his hot breath reminding you of the past. You think of how he rolled his hips into you effortlessly then as well, you think of how you scraped your nails down his back as he thrusted into you. God, you need to think of something else but Jungkook is filling your mind.

Jungkook’s breathing picks up again, as does yours. Your memories making this dance that much more sensual. You remember the way Jungkook nibbled on your ear as he let filthy words spill from his mouth when he fucked you. God, you should not be thinking this but his body feels so good. God, you should think of anything…literally anything else. You remember how he held you close much like how he is right now. You two continue dancing to the song that is soon coming to an end. You know exactly how it feels to have Jungkook inside you, moving and stilling. You know exactly what it feels like to come all around his cock. God, you need to stop. You need to slow your breathing. God, you…you…you...he continues to guide you along to the music when you feel something hard poke against you. Oh. Oh. OH. Hard. He’s hard.

Immediately, you pull back and take several clumsy steps backward. You blink at him with wide eyes when you realize that maybe he was recalling the same memories as you. Your wide eyes concerning Jungkook.

“Okay, that’s enough lessons for today.” Your harsh breaths don’t go unnoticed by Jungkook, his own breathing quite unsteady.

“Right.” Jungkook mumbles.

You two stand around for a few moments, just taking in the experience you just shared.

You still feel…how do you feel? You just shared a hot dance with your best friend? Wait—ex best friend? You don’t know. The memory of his body moving with yours, his skin touching your skin, his breaths on your neck, his hair balled up in your hands. God, it felt so good.

But so wrong.

“Umm…thanks.” You finally say.

Jungkook perks up at the gratitude, even if it’s somewhat forced. His frown turns into a small smile and you can’t help but smile back.

“I miss you y/n.” Jungkook instantly regrets it by the look on your face. Your expression turning hard. “Sorry I—”

“No, I miss you too.” You answer honestly. “But this doesn’t change anything.”

“But why not? Do you really not want me in your life for like, ever?”

Jungkook’s questions settle deep within you. The depth they hold…it’s too much. You wonder? Is this anti-Jungkook thing permanent? Or are you just trying to teach him a lesson?

Jungkook rubs his temples as he thinks, he sighs out instead of talking more.

“Not forever.” You finally say. Jungkook looks at you, a sliver of hope flashes across his face.

“But when?” he asks softly.

Yeah y/n. When? You know you both can’t go back to how things use to be but maybe starting over? God, you don’t know what to do! You know someone like Trina will be disappointed you became friends with Jungkook again so quickly, but you know someone like Jimin would be happy his two friends are back to being on okay terms. Why are you trying to please everybody? What do you want?

“Will you ever give up?” you say a little more lightly.

“No…” he says under his breath, his eyes focusing on the TV. “Not until you agree to be my friend again.”

You look at Jungkook with disbelief written all over your face, this boy has the fucking audacity once again. You’re amused though.

“Excuse me?” you say, cleaning your ear out with your point finger. “I didn’t catch that.”

Jungkook looks into your eyes, his eyes are large and doe like and it brings you back to every moment ever that he has given you this look.

“You’re stuck with me until you love me again.” He says more firmly.

“Who said,” you look at him with soft eyes, “That I ever stopped loving you?”

Jungkook smiles, he fucking smiles. His adorable bunny smile that makes your heart race.

“You still love me?”

“Only a little.” You jut your lip out, “I mostly hate you.”

Jungkook only frowns for a second before he is smiling again, “That’s fair.”

The two of you stand in comfortable silence for a few minutes, you sway back and forth wondering what you want to say to him—you miss him, of course but…

“Let’s take it slow.” You finally break the silence. You miss him more than anything and it might be worth it to have him in your life again, “You aren’t going to be a priority in my life anymore.” You crack you knuckles, the sound filling up the room.

“I know,” Jungkook feels his heart twist at your words but at least it’s something. “We can go however slow you want y/n.”

“You are on—”

“Thin fucking ice, buddy. I know.”

You exhale a shaky breath, thinking about how to go about this, “We can text every now and then, I’m not sure I want to hang out with you quite yet.”

“Okay.”

“Maybe a group hang out first…”

“I’d like that.”

Jungkook reaches over to grab your hand but you pull back, “That’s a no from me for the affection.”

Hurt flashes across Jungkook’s features but he softens up as he nods his head. “Noted.”

You wonder if you’re making the right decision. This wasn’t easy, you know? This actually felt quite hard. But somehow you feel like some weight has been lifted off your shoulders, like things maybe just maybe will be okay.

“I won’t push myself on you, I promise.” Jungkook sits back down on the floor, crossing his legs.

“Just be yourself, Jungkook.”

“If I wanted to be myself I would be hugging you right now but that’s apparently off limits.” He jokes.

“One hug.” You open your arms timidly. You feel one hug can’t be too bad?

Jungkook widens his eyes in pleasant surprise. He stands to his feet again and opens his own arms.

“C’mere.”

You watch in disbelief as he grins with his arms wide open, expecting you to go to him! And you do. You fucking do.

His arms wrap around you, he pushes you into his chest and you feel so fucking good. So warm, so cozy. His scent making you feel dizzy again, his warmth causing you to heat up. You lean back and look at his content face, he honestly looks so fucking content. Like, this hug is everything to him. And maybe it is, but you don’t know that.

“Uh, am I interrupting something?” you both snap your heads toward the front door to see Jimin standing there with a package in his hands.

“I can come back later?” he smirks at you two.

“No no no no!” you drop your arms from hugging Jungkook and take a few steps back, “We were just—”

“We made up, Jimin.” Jungkook says calmly with the softest smile you’ve ever seen on him.

“We’re taking it slow!” you rush to say.

“Oh?” Jimin winks, he walks forward until he’s in the living room joining you two. “Does this mean you will be joining us this Thursday at Jungkook and Nick’s place?”

“Huh?”

Jungkook shifts on his feet, “Yeah, uh, me and Nick are having a small get together on Thursday…you can bring whoever you want…but you’re definitely invited.”

“Before I answer that…Jimin how did you not know about Nick and him being Jungkook’s roommate?”

“Listen! Jungkook is always HERE! I never go over there! The few times I was there Nick was never home okay?!” Jimin whines obnoxiously.

“Okay, whatever. And Jungkook, I said—”

“You said group hang outs.” Jungkook pouts.

Oh. You did say that. But this soon? And is she going to be there?

You chew on your lips before answering, “Okay. But I’m bringing Trina and Holly.”

“Oh bro, Trina is not your biggest fan.” Jimin cuts in.

“Yeah, I know how she is I already anticipated that.” Jungkook shrugs, he looks at you with a small smile.

Okay, starting over? Taking it slow? Can you and Jungkook do this? You look between the boys and smile,

“Okay. See you boys on Thursday.”

[what-i-call-men]

The Evans w an independent significant other/how clingy the Evans are

The Evans x Gn!reader

Warnings: Some possessiveness, some mentions of killing

Tate:

Tate absolutely hates when you're independent. If it were up to him you’d stay in the house with him all day and you’d be dependent on him for everything. He hates when you leave the house, when you eat without him, even if you shower without him. Let’s be real though, if you're in the house you're not alone because even if you don't see him, Tate is there watching you all the time- hell he doesn’t have much better to do. If you tell him you're staying at a friend’s or going out at night, not sure when you’d be home, he would immediately try to stop you from going. When you eventually get off the property he waits at the window for you to come back just like a needy puppy. “But babe, why go to a party with sweaty horny teenagers when you could stay here and we could play a board game?” “Tate we played Monopoly, candy land, twister, uno and parcheesi today. I don’t even think we own any more board games.”

Kit:

Kit kinda finds it attractive. He obviously has his moments of wanting to be the provider and take care of you, but he also loves that you listen to him about his work and retain alot of it. He’s watched you diagnose a problem on your own car and you were completely correct on it when he took a look. On a night he had to stay late at the shop working on one car that wouldn’t seem to start, you show up to his work dressed in some jeans and one of his work shirts, offering to help him with the cars so he could get out of work a little sooner. Man, he almost creamed his pants then and there. He watched you as you looked under the hood, tweaking and filling and checking, not asking him for any help, and Kit was immediately reminded of why he loved you so much. Eventually he’d have to shake himself out of it, bumping your hip with his own. “Hey, suga, as great as you look bent over this car, you’re showin’ me up.”

Kyle:

Kyle absolutely loves watching you be independent and strong. You were in some of his engineering classes and you always seemed to know what you were doing. He had stopped you after the lecture and asked you for some help on one of his projects, and he was honestly wowed at your understanding of the work, having only been explained it 10 minutes earlier. He loves when you very blatantly turn down other guys or tell them that they’re wrong. He also boasts you up and helps you look better, a lot of the time this happens when you present research in class. Usually you read him your speeches as you write them, and he will ask questions after you present so you can reiterate your main points. “Any questions?” “Yeah can you tell us more about what you consider the biggest pros of solar power?” Post-death Kyle kinda depends on you so you had to be very independent. He likes to watch you carry the groceries by yourself or take care of the garden outside your small house. This includes when you have to fix up things around the house, you always muttering how you don’t need some old man coming into your house and telling you to turn a couple screws and charging you for it. Although Kyle never knows what you're doing or how to help, he is very good at holding flashlights and handing you screws. “Kyle, could you hand me the drill? No the drill… the drill… You know what, just hold this flashlight for me, hun.”

Jimmy:

Jimmy gets confused sometimes. Sometimes when you offer to carry props or set pieces, he will refuse your help and ask Eve or someone else, thinking that his significant other should never have to lift a finger as long as he has something to do with it. It isn’t until he loses his hands that he has to let you do everything. He watches as you lift set pieces, or pull down a rope and just kind of watches in awe because you are so much stronger than you look. He secretly loves watching you show off your strength, especially when you kicked a heckler right in the balls and the man passed out from the pain. When another heckler started insulting you during a show, you fully began to roast him in front of the crowd, this never failed to amaze Jimmy. He always loved to watch you deal with people like that because you were so quick to tell them off in a way that made them drop the fight all together. “Darlin’ you know if I could help it you’d never have to lift a single finger?” “Jimmy, you can’t even feed yourself, I have to lift a few fingers.”

James:

James gets conflicted by your independence. He loves when you ask him for help or when you search him out for encouragement, but when he saw you murder a man trying to abuse his girlfriend, and you dragged him to one of James’ body chutes, James couldn’t have been more proud. He loved to watch you murder alone, but he absolutely hated when you would leave the hotel to go out or go to work. He knew you didn’t need protection from him but that didn’t stop him from wanting you to jump into his arms and ask him to help you. He didn’t love it when you would go to the bar alone, all dressed up, drinking and eventually getting others to join in on seudo karaoke, but he loved to see you enjoying yourself and sometimes you’d make him join in. Most of the times you did ask him for any kind of help, you never let him do it all. Sometimes there would be a body you couldn’t lift, so James would offer his help a few times before you finally said yes, only letting him help you lift it, then shooing him away and taking care of the body by yourself. “Dearest, do you need help?” “No.” “Darling, you’re going to hurt yourself, let me help.” “No, James.”... “James, Can you just lift his feet up for me?” “Of course my love.”

Kai:

HA you thought. Kai doesn’t want you to be independent AT ALL. If you were independent before meeting him, that definitely changes when you’re with him. He doesn’t like you going out alone, if somehow you get him to budge on that, you’re not driving yourself, if you somehow do, you have a curfew to be back home by before he comes out and picks you up. Usually that leads to some sort of argument or fight. You always have to have your location on on your phone if you do go out. He also may or may not have a tracker on your car just in case. If you’re the kind of person that’s chill with not being independent, Kai will usually keep you within eyesight if you’re in the house. If you need to pee or want to make food, usually Kai will either join you or silently pick up whatever he’s doing and move with you into whatever room you’re going into. It’s less of a clingy thing as it is paranoia for him- he wants to make sure you’re loyal to him all the time. “Where’re you going?” “The bathroom to take a shower.”... “I’ll join you.” You could never really fight him on it.

Malcolm:

Malcolm kind of expects you to be independent, but he does enjoy it when you two hang out. He can’t spend all the time with you and you both have jobs that take up your time so being clingy or obsessive is a no-no for him. He likes to send you texts and pictures during the day though and he also enjoys facetiming when you can’t see each other. Overall being with Malcolm is one of the most healthy and non-toxic relationships you could be in. Even when you two move in together, you were both very independent and respectful of each others space. The only exception was on days Malcolm felt sad or lonely, he’d come over to the couch where you sat on your laptop, laying his head on your lap in the way of the screen, pouting up at you. “Can we watch some cheesy reality show and get drunk?” He’d ask and you’d laugh. “Want me to play with your hair too?” “Fucking of course.”

Jeff:

Jeff could be either one of the extremes. He’d either be extremely obsessed with you, wanting to provide you with everything you asked for before you even asked for it, or he’d tell you you’re in an open relationship and treat you like a choice. There’s really not too much in between. If he’s clingy, Jeff would put your relationship in every aspect of his life, even offering you more than your job paid you so you could just sit at his desk every day and do coke with him. He would never let you drive to work alone and would spend pretty much all day talking with you or even just staring at you as you did your own work on your laptop. “So how are you doing?” “I’m the same as I was two minutes ago.” If Jeff was ok with your independence, he’d pretty much expect it from you. If you were going to independent, so was he, pretty much meaning the two of you were not much more than fuck buddies. Sometimes though he’d get jealous of how much you got drinks bought for you at a bar, or how many other people you’d post on social media with, wishing he had the guts to ask for more from you, but never actually doing it. “Y/n can I ask you something?” “yeah.” “Do you… Would you… You want some coffee?” “Nah i’m good.”

[werewolfnick]

Autistic Me and Fictional Characters

Out of all the fictional media that I have consumed over the years, I feel like there are some characters that would let me have my autistic moments. Here are the ones I feel like would let me have it and the reason why I think so (remember, every person with autism is different and will probably differ depending on the person):

1) Newt (The Maze Runner). 

Newt would the kind of guy that the moment my emotions start to become unregulated, or I become too overwhelmed or annoyed by something, he would either lead me to a quiet part of the glade or let me spend time with the animals. He would tell everyone else to leave me alone until I’m ready to come back and join everyone else. He would occasionally check up on me but tries not to do it too much because he knows it would make me feel more annoyed. Even when I do join back with everyone else, he would ask if I’m doing ok and if I need to go back to that quiet place or spend time with the animals. I also feel like because of my love of animals, he wouldn’t let me do the k*lling of them and instead, get me to do a different job. 

2) Stiles Stilinski (Teen Wolf)

Stiles would be the kind of guy that if I was confused by something, like for example maths or anything that is not my strong suit, he would attempt to put into a way that I could understand. Anything that I find annoying, like the sound of someone picking their nails, he would tell the person to stop in a serious manner because he knows that I will most likely walk away in order to get away from the sound and sight of it. He would also be the kind of guy that if I was completely drained by everything from the day, whether it would be school or the amount of socialization, he would let me have my headphones on and let me watch YouTube or listen to music or let me do anything I like to let me recharge. He would leave me to it until I was ready to start socialising again. He would let me have fidget toys if it meant it would keep me calm. I feel like he wouldn’t tell anyone that I was autistic unless I told him that it was ok to say so. I also feel like that any hyperfixation I have, he would let me ramble about it, even if he doesn’t understand it. He is never surprised when I show up wearing male clothing because he knows I am more comfortable in male clothing. 

3) Eddie Munson (Stranger Things). (Note, I’ve never played DnD, just basing off what I’ve seen of season 4 so far).

Eddie, when he isn’t acting like his usual crackhead self, would try and understand what was making me feel off or extremely excited. If I felt off, like sad, annoyed, overwhelmed, etc, he would let me do the things that do make me happy (or to contradict my first sentence, he would overdo his crackheadness and would not stop until I am smiling or laughing). He would let me play as male characters when playing DnD because I always say that the male characters are cooler. Like Stiles Stilinski, Eddie is never surprised that I show up in male clothing. If anything, he would be concerned if I was wearing female clothing of any sort. I feel like if the people we played DnD with became too rowdy (too loud) for me to handle, he would cover my ears until the noise was at a level I can handle. He would do it because he knows that there is a level of noise I can handle and if it goes beyond that, I can get a little overwhelmed and a little stressed by it.

4) Alice Cullen (Twilight). 

Alice doesn’t need to ask why I am feeling a certain way, she already knows or already has an idea of why I am feeling that way. She knows that my autism is causing my emotions to be altered compared to those around me. She would tell Jasper, Emmett and Edward to let me be and do not annoy me until I am ready to talk to them again. She would let me hang out in her room or my own room, whatever I felt like, and just let me chill out and do whatever I like. She would know when I felt like joining everyone else again. Joining onto Alice, I feel like Carlisle would do the same thing.

These are all the characters I can think of at the moment. If there are more characters I can think of, I will make a part two of this. 

[charlie-minion]

Could the same SPN finale make a little more sense with some additions/changes?

I’ve had the idea for this post stuck in my head for days now, but with every new conspiracy theory and every new eventuality in the fandom, it became difficult to cool down enough to write something less ship-related and more narrative-focused.

What Supernatural and non-SPN fans have to understand is that a lot of us have expressed disappointment and frustration after 15x20, not because of Destiel (that’s just one part of the whole problem), but because the finale doesn’t make sense. Everything was leading up to something beautifully crafted until the end of 15x19. Beyond that, it’s hard to understand what happened. The story rendered all the character growth irrelevant, invalidated the themes of free will and “family don’t end in blood”, regressed to the original brother codependency they spent 15 years trying to overcome, made a queer non-binary character in a male vessel and a deaf female character basically disposable, and kept the show’s reputation of queerbaiting and misogyny until its very last breath.

That’s not going out with a bang! At least not a positive one. We all were ready to mourn Supernatural, but we wanted to feel proud of its legacy, and somehow TPTB managed to tarnish that legacy in less than 45 minutes. What a way to ruin the other more than 13,600 minutes of story!

It doesn’t matter who is to blame (The CW, Robert Singer, Andrew Dabb). It doesn’t matter why it happened (homophobia, censorship, marketing for Walker, bad writing). What matters is that at the end of the day, the finale that aired is what we got and that’s going to hurt for a long time. It hurts even more when we realize that the same finale could have easily made more sense, even without being perfect.

That’s what I want to do in this post. I want to show you how things would have been less jarring (for the fandom), while still keeping the goal to please the general audience.

Before I begin rewriting 15x20, I have to mention that I talked to my conservative boomer sister about the finale. She hasn’t watched the second half of season 15 yet (she’s waiting for Netflix to have it), but she’s been watching the show for a long time (she introduced me to it 8 years ago). She’s the perfect example of a viewer from the general audience. Loves the show but doesn’t give a second thought to it and definitely isn’t paying attention to character development or themes. Doesn’t engage with fandom, actors, or any of the show’s social media. Pure GA! When I told her the series finale had aired, she asked me about it and I refused to give her spoilers. Because of that, she told me the ending SHE wanted. She said she would be happy with either of two possibilities: the boys retiring and finally living a normal life OR they going to heaven and finding peace at last. She saw Sam and Dean as a unit, which means: both retiring or both going to heaven. AND she saw Cas as part of that, too. She wasn’t so sure about Jack. And for her, we could use the “Eileen who?” and it wouldn’t be a joke. She didn’t remember her.

NOW IT’S TIME TO WRITE A NEW VERSION OF 15X20 (KEEPING 15X18 AND 15X19 EXACTLY THE SAME AS THEY AIRED). This will be a very long post:

The opening remains almost the same. No “Carry on my wayward son” to induce feels. Too soon and too predictable! (Reasoning: Everyone was expecting it to play right there, so it would bring more tears at the end)

In the opening, after the scene where Jack says “People won’t need to pray to me or sacrifice to me”, we also see the scene from 15x19 where he says “I won’t be hands on”. Then we see the rest of the opening as it was. (Reasoning: People needed to be reminded that Jack would NOT intervene and that’s why later on, he would NOT save Dean).

We get the same montage, but when Sam takes a break from his morning run, we see him reading a message on his phone. A simple: “Hey Sam, what’s new?” from Eileen. Sam smiles fondly and begins to type a response we don’t get to see. The next scene continues the same, Sam making breakfast. (Reasoning: A text was a very simple way to show that Eileen was alive and still in communication with Sam).

The montage slowly ends as Sam enters the library (not after he sits down). He seems to be talking on the phone but we only hear an “I’ll tell him. Bye”. As he walks towards the table, he tells Dean: “Charlie says hi. Mentioned something about Stevie’s perfect scrambled eggs we have to try.” Dean’s answer is “Awesome!” (Reasoning: Just ONE line was needed to unbury Charlie and her girlfriend. ONE LINE).

Sam sits down, opens his laptop and everything continues the same. The title card shows for the last time.

YOU SEE? In the first 4 minutes they could have acknowledged that THREE WOMEN were alive and safe: Eileen, Charlie and Stevie. It wasn’t hard! Don’t blame bad writing on Covid! Now let’s continue.

Sam and Dean arrive at the Pie Fest just the same. Dean goes to get some “damn pie” and Sam takes out his phone. He dials and when someone picks up, he says “Hey, Jody, how are ya?” We don’t hear the rest of the conversation. The scene moves to Dean coming with his 6 portions of pie. Dean sits down and Sam tells him, “Talked to Jody. The other hunters haven’t had much work lately.” “That’s good, isn’t it?”, Dean says. All we get from Sam is “Yeah.” So, Dean looks at him and asks “what’s wrong?” like it happened in the episode. (Reasoning: Again, a couple of lines to make sure the people that were killed in 15x18 are safe and remembered by the boys in 15x20. Why is this important? Because they’re family!)

The conversation about Sam’s sad face happens the same. Sam is the one that mentions Cas and Jack. (Reasoning: Because this episode was so Sam-centered, it’s obvious he was the protagonist in the finale. If we see him communicating with Eileen, Charlie, and Jody, then it’s NORMAL, even expected of him to be the one to bring up Cas and Jack). Without these additions, it’s harder for people to understand that most of the finale was NOT from Dean’s POV but from Sam’s.

Dean’s “if we don’t keep living, then all that sacrifice is gonna be for nothing” stays the same. (Reasoning: I believe it’s necessary that the show sticks to the importance of “letting go” and “what is dead should stay dead” for the first time ever because the message is “even when you lose someone you love, you can still find some form of happiness and keep living, for you and for them, because that’s what they would have wanted”. Bringing someone back means “I can’t live without you”, and that’s just more codependency. It’s how the demon deals began in the Winchester family –Mary being the first one to do it. This would explain why Dean didn’t ask Jack to bring Cas back, as he asked Chuck. He understood Jack was NOT going to interfere anymore and accepted it. Besides, when Cas saved Dean from hell, Dean thought he didn’t deserve to be saved. This time that Cas saved him, Dean finally feels worthy enough to accept that YES, HE DESERVED TO BE SAVED ALL ALONG, just as much as he deserved to be loved by that angel of the Lord. In this scene, Dean also says that the pain is not gonna go away, which means that from HIS PERPECTIVE, it still hurts that Cas is not there. The problem is that the finale is not showing his POV but Sam’s.  

Sam pies Dean on the face just the same. (Reasoning: That part was just to avoid ending the scene on a sad note).

Everything related to the case happens exactly the same. (Reasoning: At this point, people don’t really care about the MoTW, they care about Sam and Dean).

NOTE 1: The case is important to show that even when the Winchesters are finally free of Chuck’s influence, they CHOOSE to keep hunting. It isn’t something they do out of revenge or because it is their destiny anymore. Maybe they were forced into the life at first, but they’ve learned to find joy in saving people. Being hunters is who they are. However, the fact that a job application was shown on Dean’s desk is also important because it means he was willing to explore what else was there for him besides hunting. Maybe he could find a balance? Maybe he was thinking it was time to quit? We will never know! The thing is that Sam only finds out about it when he goes into Dean’s room after his brother is dead, so maybe that’s when it hits him that Dean wanted to explore his options, and Sam starts to think it’s time for him to do the same.  

NOTE 2: I believe the masks the vampires are wearing is something we can blame on covid. If they had their faces covered, it was easier to use people from the SPN crew for some scenes, instead of using more actors unnecessarily.

NOTE 3: When Sam and Dean arrive at the barn, we get 3 visuals to remember Cas in the same scene (those are for the fandom, not for the general audience): a) the barn, obviously; b) the bag that resembles Cas’ trenchcoat so much that many people thought that’s what it was; and c) two feathers hanging on Dean’s right when he opens the trunk.

The scene with the throwing star happens the same. (Reasoning: The episode is still told from Sam’s point of view, so it makes sense that he fondly sees his brother as a man child).

Jenny the vampire? Uhhh… I mean, it’s not the best piece of writing I’ve ever seen, but it’s not the worst, so okay. That stays the same. (Reasoning: There is none, but she’s not what really ruined the finale, so whatever!)

Dean still dies impaled on a rebar. (Reasoning: OK. HERE ME OUT!!! I hate as much as everyone else that Dean is killed. I think it’s lazy writing, but that’s what we got and I can’t change that in this re-write, so if killing Dean is what we have to work around, then, memes aside, death by rebar is better and here’s why. There’s no one to blame for Dean’s death: no Chuck (the boys were willingly hunting even after Chuck was defeated), no vampires (they were all killed and were no real threat, so it was impossible for Sam to begin a quest for revenge against all vampires. What was Sam going to blame? A rebar? Can you kill it? Hunt it? NO. It was an ordinary death, a stupid accident. Just like any person can die at any moment by slipping on a banana peel. Is it a good death? No, but it’s good to know he doesn’t die trying to save Sam or Cas, because Dean Winchester is NOT willing to give up his life in exchange for anyone else’s anymore.

Sam takes out his phone and says he’ll call for help, but his phone is more visible to the audience. He dials and it’s almost to his ear when Dean stops him and Sam hesitantly hangs up. (Reasoning: People have complained that Sam didn’t call an ambulance, but actually he tried to. It’s just that people missed that part, maybe?)

After Sam puts his phone back in his pocket and says “OK” to Dean, he adds, “I’ll pray to Jack”. Dean’s immediate answer is: “No hands on, remember?” “But Dean”, Sam says, and Dean interrupts him with “OK listen to me” and tells Sam what to do with the kids they rescued. (Reasoning: Jack is God now and how come Sam didn’t remember? The viewers remembered, so it was necessary to include a line that ruled the option out and that showed Dean didn’t want Jack to intervene. The rest was fine).

The lines “You knew it was always gonna end like this for me. It was supposed to end like this, right?” disappear completely from Dean’s monologue. (Reasoning: This is the most problematic part of Dean’s dying speech. He fought God and earned free will, he is no longer controlled by fate or destiny. Accepting that he is supposed to die on a hunt regresses his character development and denies his desire to keep living. This was a total mistake and should be removed).

Instead, if going to heaven is the ending TPTB wanted to give Dean, at least he should say something more empowering. Sam tells him that both of them are going to take the kids somewhere safe. Dean answers and the scene follows like this: “No. Sammy, we made our choice, didn’t we?”, he smiles with difficulty. “We were free to write our own story and we did. We decided to keep saving people, hunting things. Because it’s what we love despite the risks.” (Reasoning: If Dean’s going to die it doesn’t have to feel like it was always meant to be that way. He should die knowing that he exerted his free will until his last breath).

The rest of the dialogue between Sam and Dean happens almost the same. Except that instead of Dean saying “‘cause when it all came down to it, it was always you and me. It’s always been you and me”, he says “’cause when it all came down to it, we’ve always had each other’s backs. Always.” And instead of Sam saying “Don’t leave me”, he says “I still can try to save you.” (Reasoning: It sounds way less codependent without diminishing the importance of their love and support for each other).

Besides, let’s change Dean’s “I’m not leaving you” for “You don’t have to be alone. You’ve still got family.” The rest stays the same word by word. (Reasoning: Dean reminds Sam that “family don’t end in blood” and there are still lots of people out there who love Sam and will be with him).

“I love you so much, my baby brother” stays exactly the same. (Reasoning: Dean always had trouble to express the big L word. I always believed and said many times that before Dean could say “I love you” to Cas or any other character, he had to say it to Sam. So, this is important as part of Dean speaking his truth).

The last part when Dean insists Sam tell him that it’s okay stays the same. (Reasoning: It’s the final moment when the codependency cycle breaks. No more running in circles).

The forehead touch between them stays the same. (Reasoning: I think I would do something similar if my sister were dying. I know there are w*ncest shippers out there, but it shouldn’t matter because the moment feels appropriate for that kind of goodbye). 

See? There are changes but not too many. That’s why I’ve been saying that it was easier to get it right, yet they still managed to screw it up.

The second montage stays the same. (Reasoning: Life goes on, but of course Sam has to mourn).

The call about a case in Austin remains the same. (Reasoning: It’s the only part of the episode where someone from the found family is mentioned, so I think that Donna’s name is perfect in that moment. However, without the other additions I’ve made in this re-write, that off-hand mention feels too little. Its purpose was to tell the viewers that if Donna was alive, so were the others, but the way the episode was executed gave us an isolated Sam, incapable of having friends and a family without Dean).  

After 30 minutes of Sam’s POV, let’s finally see the last bit of Dean’s POV that we’ll ever get.

Dean arrives in Heaven and Bobby receives him. All their conversation stays almost the same, except that after mentioning Rufus and before saying “and your mom and dad…”, Bobby adds an “Ellen and Jo let me borrow their place”. (Reasoning: If you’re gonna put the man outside the Harvelle’s place, at least mention them for Jack’s sake!).

Besides, after Bobby tells Dean that Sam will be along and that time in heaven is different, Dean gives a small smile and says, “Well, there’s no rush. I want him to have a long, happy life.” Bobby answers with: “I would expect nothing less from you, boy” and tells him he got everything he could ever want, etc., just like it happened in the episode, and finishes by asking “What are you gonna do now, Dean?” (Reasoning: It’s important we know for sure that Dean is NOT codependent anymore and that he doesn’t expect to have a miserable afterlife just because his brother is not there yet).

Instead of saying “I think I’ll go for a drive” Dean says, “I think I know what I want” and walks towards baby. Bobby still tells him to have fun. (Reasoning: “Know what I want” is ambiguous enough to help us introduce the last piece of the puzzle, the one thing Dean’s wanted for many seasons and has never been able to express).

 The biggest change is coming:

Dean gets on the Impala and has a moment of silence while he contemplates the wheel. He begins to pray: “Hey, Cas, you got your ears on? I hear you’ve been busy working on this updated Heaven with Jack. You were right about him, Cas. You had faith in him and he saved us all. You could always see the best in everyone, even when they couldn’t see it themselves. Even when I couldn’t see it myself. There’s so much I want to tell you. Maybe you can visit sometime. I hope prayer’s still a thing up here.” (Reasoning: Dean’s side of the confession was unaddressed and that was terrible writing. If there was no way to get him to speak his truth textually, at least take him as close to it as possible).

We listen to a flutter of wings and a “Hello, Dean” from the back seat. We don’t see Cas, but the camera shows us Dean’s cocky smile and he says “Took you long enough.” He turns around slowly. End of scene. (Reasoning: The flutter of wings confirms that angels have their wings back and ties that loose end. The final “hello, Dean” was highly anticipated and it made sense. If Misha couldn’t be there to film, for whatever reason, or if the problem was the kind of conversation Dean and Cas would have, then don’t show it, but leave the door open. Let us know that the two characters were reunited and will talk, but whatever Dean has to say is so private that it’s not for us to hear, only for Cas.  

We finally hear “Carry on my wayward son” and get a montage that begins with Sam playing with his kid. Then we see Dean driving, super happy, and Sam living his life to the fullest. We still get Sam’s Blurry Wife, BUT… we see pictures of Eileen in the living room (not just of John, Mary, Sam, and Dean). We also see photos of Jody, Donna, Charlie, and AU!Bobby. (Reasoning: FAMILY DON’T END IN BLOOD).

The scene where Sam is wearing the party wig and looks miserable inside the Impala is cut and nobody talks about it ever again because it never existed. We get a scene of Sam teaching his son how to fix the car instead. (Reasoning: First of all, don’t give Sam a life where years later he’s still in pain. Second of all, the fucking wig was a crime).

Sam’s dying scene stays the same. The only thing is that his son signs a couple of phrases to him before actually speaking. (Reasoning: More confirmation that Dean Jr. is Eileen’s son).

We hear the final “Evanescence-like Carry on my wayward son”. Again we see the photos and there’s family other than the Winchesters there. (Reasoning: Obvious at this point).

The rest is exactly the same. The show began with two brothers and it’s okay if the last scene is with the two brothers reunited in Heaven. At this point, the other parts of the story are acceptable enough for us to feel happy that they get to see each other again after years of a happy (after)life.

Now look me in the eye and tell me this was too hard to execute. I still think that bad writing is a thing we can’t deny here, adding to the possible meddling of the Network. Maybe Dabb wanted us to hate the finale because he couldn’t get away with what he truly wanted. If that was his intention, then kudos to him. He and The CW really gave us a finale that only 30% of the fandom liked.

I hope you guys have enjoyed this and it helps to give you some peace of mind. In my heart, this was the finale we got. It wasn’t perfect, but it didn’t drop the ball either.

[dabiboy]

S/O needs to reassure Hawks because i can see him having trust issues toward women (i mean... spoiler. Mom betrayed him and left)...

And... Spoiler again. She sold him twice. TWICE. Anyways, let’s try to forget this pain with this fluff. Hope you like it!

Author’s note: There is a cameo of a character from another universe, let’s see if you guys catch it👀

Until the Hurting is Gone

The evening went well. All of your friends gathered at your shared apartment with Hawks, and thank God you didn't have any friend that was too much into social media, and just one of them asked to take a picture with your boyfriend. Truth be told, you couldn't blame her, meeting the Winged Hero was not a daily thing to do.

Laughs were shared, memories, jokes, just a normal gathering with good old friends. Maybe too good friends. Or so Keigo thought.

Yes, he was a jealous man but not the possessive kind, at least not when he was not near his rut. But that friend of yours? He was way too close, too nice, too cool. The bastard was even good looking. And Keigo was starting to feel unsure. And couldn't say anything because he was your life best friend.

Despite his feelings almost raging inside of him, it was better to get distracted and not ruin your night because of jealousy, so the best answer was to get along with your other friends, the ones that he did like him. However, his avians traits were not helping. At all. And he could hear your laughter loud and clear, and thanks to the tingle in his feathers he turned around, praying not to break the glass on his hand.

''Oh my god, yes! Do you remember when we were in high school and had to get in the closet because of that seven minutes in heaven game?'' 

''And we clapped and screamed like idiots, the whole class thought we were dating afterward'' You and your friend laughed again. 

''Man, that getaway was the best, I swear! The whole class on a cabin on the beach? I had never been more proud of a punishment''

''You were grounded like a month, but hey, if it hadn't been for me you would still be grounded'' Jean laughed.

''Oh shut up you idiot. That was because my parents love you, because they don't know you're crazier than a cow''

''You know I'm right and the best, you just can't face it'' He shrugged his shoulders and used his hand to pull his hair back. The bastard had an undercut? Damn he was fine, Keigo said to himself. ''We should have a getaway like that one again, for the good old times'' 

''Yes! That'd be so cool! We have to make the plans for this one, you know that as long as a plan includes us, drink and something reckless, I'm in'' 

The way you winked at him killed Keigo. All of his insecurities got together, his chest suddenly felt tighter and he did a whole tour on all of his flaws as a breathing being. He even thought about his looks, his messy hair, how he wasn't so muscular as other heroes, the bird marks on his eyes, his other bird traits. Yes, he was feeling like hell. Why could he be with someone like you when you matched so well with Jean? Were you going to leave him too? Damn, he could even hear the awful words his parents once told him.

Keigo kept quiet during the rest of the night, and just smiled and wave when all of your friends finally left, his hurt aching at the tight hug you gave Jean. He was far better than him.

You went to the shower before bed, and when you got out you couldn't help but smile at the cute picture in front of you; Keigo was sitting leg-crossed on his side of the bed, looking down and seeming distracted while he played with his fingers. The way the skin of his tummy folded a bit over his abs making him look even cuter. And hotter at the same time. But something was off. He seemed... Sad.

''Kei? You good?'' You asked as you sat on your side, trying to look at him.

''Yeah, I'm fine'' He was known for bottle up his emotions. And the way he had answered told you he was not fine.

''You don't sound fine, love'' You pouted your lips as you rested your chin on his bare shoulder. 

He didn't reply for long seconds, and he kept playing with his fingers without looking at you. Keigo was good at pretending he was good when he wasn't, but this time it seemed his emotions were stronger. And they were. Usually, he didn't have time to overthink everything, he could just carry on and feel like shit later, and now? After all of that emotion and memories tour he felt bad. Scared, like shit. All of his fears came back to him. 

''y/n?'' He called your name ''Do you... Do you think I'm good enough?'' it caught you off guard.

''What do you mean with that, of course you are. You are better than good, baby'' You said gaining distance so you could look at him better ''You're the number two hero-'' He cut you off.

''Not as a hero. As a man, as... Your boyfriend'' His voice was filled with pain and vulnerability, and your heart ached about it.

''Yes, Keigo. You're the best man I've ever meet. You're kind, you're funny, you're brave, you're caring'' The list of things you could keep saying about him was endless ''I love you with my whole life, love. I couldn't ask for anyone better than you'' You whispered, caressing his cheek. But then it hit you.

You remembered that late night talk in which he had spilled his whole life to you, telling you everything about his childhood and his parents, and how his mother, the woman that supposed to be there for him no matter what sold him as a piece of meat, changed him for something better for her own benefit.

''Is it because of Jean?'' This time, you ran your hand on his golden locks. God, you loved his hair so much.

''He was... Cool. And tall, and funny, and had interesting stories to tell. He was also very good looking, and you seemed to get along with him very well'' You wished you could've avoided it, but a small smile was on your face at his naiveness. 

''Jean is my best friend since I was like five, he's like an older brother to me'' You said as you kept playing with his hair. ''We went to kindergarten together, and then graduated together, and did a lot of stupid things together. I've known every single one of his girlfriends,'' You did the 'e' sound in the word 'every' longer to emphasize ''And let me tell you I'm not his type'' You laughed ''And he'd seen and known all of my boyfriends too, and guess what'' The way you whispered, make Keigo looked at you ''The only one that liked him was you. Not because you're a hero, because he thought you were cool and good to me. And good looking? Please, Kei. He has a horse face.'' You smiled at him, loving to see that glimpse of a smile on his face ''I love you, and only you, ok?'' You whispered again and he nodded. After some more seconds, he took a deep breath and talked again. Just one sentence. One that described his biggest fear.

''You're not... You're not going to leave me too, right?'' 

His face was like a child's. Eyes full of hope but fear at the same time, they were screaming at you, telling you 'please hold me and don't let me go' but before letting his vulnerable side show, he needed to hear it from you. He needed the reassurance only the love of his life could give him.

''I will never, Keigo, never going to leave you. Is that clear? I'm going to be with you until you're old, because there is no one I'd rather to spend my life with. Now come here, my bird boy.''

You thanked his wings were not his usual size, and that they were rather small so you could fit him in your arms. He held to your arm, resting his head on your chest and curling up his body between your legs. He didn't want to be away from you, never. You played with his hair again, but switching among his back, nape, arms, anywhere your hands could reach. 

''I'm sorry for being an insecure little shit'' He said.

''Don't be. It is important to let your feelings out, I will always listen to you'' A kiss on his temple. 

''I love you. So, so much'' He whispered and snuggled even closer to you, which was a big hard because he was not a five year old, he was a grown up man cuddling and clinging to you like a child ''I love you'' He said again.

''I love you too, my Keigo'' You said one more time before continuing with your ministrations. A thing was for sure, you were going to hug him until his hurting was gone. Even if that meant held him forever. Because you knew he was going to do the same

[formulatrash]

hi! It’s totally fair if you don’t want to answer this question for whatever reason but, do you think there are any drivers in F1 that are part of the LGBTQ+ community? I don’t want to speculate on anyone’s sexuality, but it is a bit disheartening at times to see no representation whatsoever in the sport that I love so dearly... at the same time, it’s nobody’s duty to become a symbol for the community just because they’re a part of it, so I’d understand if they wanted to keep that low key, especially considering the amount of fans that would hate them for that only. It just makes me sad sometimes, not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna speculate publicly in any specific way, obviously. But statistically, it is impossible that there have never been LGBTQ+ F1 drivers - and actually there were two out ones, in Mike Beuttler (who sadly died of AIDS) and Lella Lombardi.

In other series, there are openly out drivers - in fact W Series seem to be basically incapable of stopping the drivers getting together, which is awesome and they should do it. And also kinda gives a lie to the idea rivals wouldn't.

There is a split between women's and men's sports in that basically sporting ladies seem to be like "wow, fit women time to openly drool over each other" and men being more pressured to keep it strictly no homo. It's nice that F1 drivers lately have been definitely more comfortable with being affectionate to each other and with deviating from very restrictive ideas of masculinity, although obviously that does not in any way imply their sexualities or gender status.

I think there are many reasons to be optimistic that an F1 driver could come out. Motorsport's landscape has changed - and the world, too - but of course, as you say, being the first is a sucky job and not, heh, one of the good kind.

Would they face some challenges? For sure. Some locations would be difficult - the UK, for instance, if a driver came out as trans. God, just imagining the thinkpieces from TERFs has made me nearly pass out.

I am sure there are LGBTQ+ people in the paddock beyond, whether that's in the media cohort (I mean, lmao, I am typing this why do I always exclude myself lol) or in the garages. And of course, the fans. As much as F1 talks about (even pre-pandemic) existing in its own bubble, of course it does not and while demographics are often skewed towards wealth and white western europeans, that doesn't affect the distribution of LGBTQ+ people.

Will it be godawful for the person who takes the first step? Yeah. You can't get away from the fact casual homophobia is pretty rife in F1, I'm regularly appalled by the sort of shitty jokes members of the media - who you'd think might be a bit less stuck in the jurassic period - will default to. Lots of people in F1 think they're a bit hardcore, that that's part of the image of the sport and it comes with both a strict conservatism and edgelord tendencies.

I think, with the right support, though, they'd be ok. Drivers generally have much better support systems now than ever before and god knows, it's cus they need 'em. From social media to the immediacy of reaction, everything from onboards to team radio to their Insta likes is under scrutiny and of course, that's gonna feel pretty oppressive in some ways.

(I know I hate it, as someone who gets a low-level version of it on Twitter)

But would their team or sponsors or the sport at large lose faith? No. And there would be, in the torrent of horrible stuff that's inevitable with any of these things, such support and inspiration.

It's a bit of a burden, being a figurehead and it's very easy to see why, for example, Lewis shrugged it off for a lot of his career because fuck knows, everyone's got enough to be getting on with with just the basic challenges of the career let alone having to be a representative. And it's why, with aspects you're not able to hide, people struggle - whether that's race, gender or whatever.

Living in the closet isn't a very satisfying option, though; which is the most convincing argument for how there might not have been any LGBTQ+ drivers other than the ones we know about. But it's more likely they grinned and bore it, of course. History's littered with people who never got to truly live as themselves.

It's very good having someone like Matt Bishop in a prominent role in F1. Because he can speak beyond the theoretical; that a team can welcome a gay head of communications and the paddock will have to and can work with them. That he's in a relative position of power is great because it means people can't chat shit and that means for someone without that relative power, they're protected by extension.

Who knows when more LGBTQ+ people will come along to the sport - but I think there's reason to be hopeful that they can be there.

[mindofharry]

deja vu

in which harry gets a new girlfriend and it’s giving him major deja vu.

angst ! fluff ! all of the above ! feedback is welcome as always <3 based off of the wonderful song, deja vu by olivia rodrigo!!

“Well, maybe we should end it”

Harry suggested and Y/N froze. end it? why is that even something that came into his mind. It was a small, petty fight about a girl. A nice girl that Y/N is apparently jealous of, she’s not by the way. The girl just is the a little too close to her boyfriend, hugging him and kissing him on the cheek when she thinks Y/N isn’t watching them. And harry just sits there, let’s her do that while Y/N his girlfriend of three years is sitting right in front of them. Never did he bitch about her or complain, just compliments for the nice girl at the party.

“W...What?” Y/N stuttered sitting on the hood of the car. The car they bought together. They both worked at an ice cream place down in town, so with the little money they both had and a little support from their parents, they both this beauty. Of course, harry was the only one able to drive it for a whole year because poor Y/N didn’t have her drivers license yet.

“I think we should end it, this” Harry said pointing between himself and Y/N. Her eyes began to fill with tears and the guilt hit him quickly.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. But i just can’t do this back and forth thing anymore. We’re not in middle school” Harry said and sniffled a bit. Y/N nodded, she had sort of know someone like harry wouldn’t stay with someone like her for that long anyways. It’s just apart of life, right?

Right?

“You can keep the car. I’ll find some other way to get into work” Harry mumbled handing Y/N the keys to their shared car. Her eyes widen and anger surged through her veins.

“How dare you” Y/N yelled, a sob coming out of her mouth. “You’re dumping me? you’re fucking dumping me?” she yelled out and that attracted some stares. They were in their place, their special place in Malibu under the stars and near the beach. That’s all theirs.

“You flirt with this girl for a year of our relationship. you do it right infront of me, harry! and you can’t handle it anymore?” Y/N exclaimed and harry sighed, looking slightly embarrassed as more people started to watch them. “Fine, fuck go be with her! i don’t care” Y/N said wiping the tears off of her cheeks and getting into the car.

“Goodbye, harry”

And a couple of weeks later, harry was with that nice girl. That pretty girl, who was a carbon copy of you - harry figured that out pretty quickly, when they got to know each other more.

They were watching reruns of glee when he got this moment of deja vu. Like he had done this before.

Because he had. With Y/N.

“I love this show” Y/N giggled, her hand in harrys hair. Harry nodded agreeing as they watched the new directions so a performance again, this time tina and mercedes were leading the group.

“Y’know you don’t have to pretend to like it, we can change the channel if you want?” Y/N offered and Harry shook his head quickly and blushed. “No, i like it. Could make a good band name, no? New direction, one direction?” Harry teased and you giggled.

“Huh. You’re more of gleek than i am”

“i hate this show” The nice girl said changing the channel, before harry could speak up. Instead of disagreeing with her, he just nodded and kissed the side of her head. He liked glee.

Other times of this deja vu stuff, it was really honest mistakes. Like, nearly calling her Y/N’s name. You were just on his mind, it was nothing serious. He missed the car, that’s all. He also missed the strawberry ice cream and the late night chats under the malibu sky. So he took her there. He put billy joels, ‘uptown girl’ on the radio and grinned when she sang to it. She wasn’t as care free as Y/N though. Y/N had her own shrine of billy joel, her dad is absolutely obsessed with the man and passed that on to Y/N.

Of course, harry had heard of billy joel but had only listened to his most famous songs. Y/N introduced to him to the real billy joel, it was their thing. Listening to billy joel in Y/N’s basement after a long shift, harry would lay his head on her stomach as Y/N sang to vienna or sometimes harry would pull her up and dance around to piano man. He missed that so much.

The chorus of ‘uptown girl’ came on and harry looked over at the nice girl, he now calls his own.

“I love you” He said and she stopped singing and placed a hand on his knee.

Y/N did that. Had her hands all over him.

“I love you too” The nice girl hummed and Harry sighed, now getting another sense of deja vu.

“Did you see Harry and that girl together, Y/N?” Sarah, her new shift buddy asked. Y/N had seen them together, the nice girl that harrys with likes to post everything on social media. Y/N sees the traded jackets, the billy joel, the i love you’s in malibu, the strawberry ice cream. Y/N wondered if the girl laughed at harry because of how annoying he was during glee, or when he puts a jacket on way too small for him, or when they sing in the car. Does he steal Y/N jokes, like he stole everything else?

“Yeah, i did. Seem like a nice couple” Y/N said with a smile. Sarah, only knowing her a couple days, thought nothing of it. Y/N was breaking inside, she literally felt her heart break in two everytime she thought of the two.

How could harry just replace Y/N like that?

“I’d like to be an actress” The nice girl said licking her strawberry ice cream. Harrys eyes widened, deja vu. Y/N had told him, just before they started dating that she was going to be the next meryl streep - why she chose meryl streep, he’ll never know. Y/N has always wanted to be an actress. She had done a few jobs here and there, and always got the main part in plays and musicals. Being an actress is Y/N’s things.

“That’s great” Harry said supporting a forced grin. The nice girl didn’t think anything of it. Y/N wouldn’t known something was wrong.

A different girl, but nothings new.

Harry had to get away. Away from the nice girl who had ruined Y/N and Harrys relationship. So he went to the ice cream parlour. He knew Y/N was working with sarah, mitch is one of his closest friends and he’s dating sarah — so after some digging and prodding, he got the info he needed and set off to town. Without her. Harry dropped her off at her apartment, made up some lame excuse of not feeling well and needed to rest. Y/N would’ve offered soup, the nice girl just said get well soon and closed the apartment door in his face. It was too easy. It shouldn’t be that easy to lie to her, it was never like that with Y/N. Harry couldn’t lie to Y/N for the life of him, even around birthdays or christmas. He sucked at keeping secrets and telling fibs.

“Welcome to All things nice, how may i help you!” Y/N’s voice rang out as she was cleaning out the sink. The bell had notified her, that a customer was in the shop. She just didn’t know that customer was her ex boyfriend.

“Are we able to talk?” Harry asked wringing his hands. Y/N quickly turned around, almost bashing her head into the shelf. Her eyes were wide and her heart broke, again. She could barley handle the instagram posts. She can’t handle harry in real life. Not after what he did. Maybe if it was a mutual break up - but it really was not a mutual break up.

“I’m sorry, we don’t serve that” Y/N snapped pushing the spoons into a drawer. Harry flinched and nodded placing his hands in his back pockets. “Ok, i deserved that” he mumbled. He just needed to explain, just five minutes.

“Please, Y/N. i just need to explain” Harry pleaded, sounding proper desperate. Y/N couldn’t help but feel anger and sadness as she listened to harry beg for her time. She just couldn’t believe he was back so quick, so early in his new relationship.

“What do you possibly need to explain” Y/N asked dropping the spoons and looking at harry over the ice cream. It was rather cliche, really.

“You dumped me, because i pointed out that a girl - by the way, i was right - was coming onto you. I just needed reassurance, harry. That you wouldn’t cheat, that you wouldn’t leave me!” you exclaimed and harry nodded. “I just needed that. and i’m really glad that you dumped me. because we obviously weren’t meant for each other” Y/N said continuing her clean up.

“We are meant to be” Harry said. “We’re Y/N and harry” he said, his voice breaking. Y/N almost felt bad.

“No. You’re in a relationship. You say i love you, to her. You sing billy joel and swap jackets. You eat strawberry ice cream with her for fuck sakes harry” Y/N yelled, pulling at her hair. Harry sniffled and nodded. “I know, I know” he mumbled.

“Do you get deja vu?” Y/N asked “hmm?” she asked again when she didn’t get an answer.

“Thought so”

[letarasstuff]

Making the Voice quieter

(A/N): This was requested by an anon. I hope you like it!

Summary: Spencer finds out about his daughter's eating disorder, he will he react?

Warnings: Angst, discription of an eating disorder (bulemia to be more specific), discription of (binge) eating, bad body image, self hatred, abuse of pills (diet pills)

Wordcount: 2.2k

✨Masterlist✨

______________________________

Prison. Cat. Diana. All those things happened close to each other. Luckily a few months have passed since then and slowly everything settles down. Spencer is able to get his feelings sorted through, processing the events.

Ever since his imprisonment he follows a more or less strict routine, given the uncertainty coming with his job. Spencer still tries to keep it up. So is every Friday dedicated to buying the majority of groceries and needed non food articles.

Sometimes (Y/N) tags along, other days she already has plans with her friends. Her father doesn’t mind it much, he is happy to see her socializing with people her age. The two of them have one father-daughter-night in the week anyways.

“Sweetheart, I’m heading out! Did you put everything you need on the list?” He shouts into the apartment. A faint “Yes! Love you!” echoes back to him. A smile forms on the doctor’s face. Oh how he longed to hear those words from her every night while he laid in his bed, locked up for a crime he didn’t commit. “Alright, love you, too!”

Meanwhile her father has to deal with Karens being their ignorant selfs, (Y/N) is under the biggest stress she has ever been. The end of her sophomore year and suddenly every teacher thinks it’s alright to give the students a load of work in every single class.

It’s beginning to get to her head. Four essays, three projects and studying for two tests and everything is due next week. She can see herself sitting at that very desk for the whole weekend, trying to contain control of her current situation.

As (Y/N) begins to read the page in front of her again to pull any information from it, it feels like her brain shuts down. Only one thought possesses her. One thing that can assure her, make her happy again.

Her body moves automatically, into the kitchen to the fridge. Her hands grab what they can. Puddings, yogurts, bananas, apples, last night’s dinner, everything that she can carry. Then the teenager sits down at the floor and devours everything she just got out. (Y/N) doesn’t stop until she gets to this intense feeling of being full.

It seems like she snaps out of a trance. Upon seeing what she ate in the shortest time, the girl feels even worse. Quickly she tries to destroy any kind of evidence, getting the trash out, making the fridge appear more full than it is, anything.

In her panicked state she remembers the small container of pills in her room. Relief washes over (Y/N), thinking everything will be better. She takes two of them for good measurement.

With the relief also guilt takes over. What just happened wasn’t normal. But (Y/N) tells herself that she can stop any time she wants. It’s not like she is sick or something, everything is fine. It’s just her way to copy stress. A way she discovered while her father was in prison. The diet pills help her to undo her mistakes. Someone from her friend group, who is already 18, got her them from the doctor for a fair price.

Feeling calmer now, the teenager sits back at her desk. A new perception of control helps her to continue her school work. She has to get done as much as possible, because in not even half an hour (Y/N)’s best friend will be the toilet.

Spencer is completely obvious to it. Sure, he is a profiler and he noticed his daughter’s new view on eating healthy food and working out. He just assumes that (Y/N) and her friends are on a healthy trip and he doesn’t see a problem in this. On the contrary, he is happy that she wants to be good to herself and her body.

But as the weeks go on, a suspicious feeling captures him. “(Y/N)? Why is the fridge nearly empty? We got groceries last Friday and it’s only Tuesday. Did you have a party over here while I was away on the case?” Spencer enters his daughter’s room, trying to joke about it.

(Y/N) freezes. Of course she isn’t able to say that the food went bad and she threw them away, her father is meticulous regarding this subject, always checking the best before day date. “Uhm, please don’t be mad. But Alex, you know her, the short one with red hair, uhm her parents are on a business trip and she is not the best cook. So I brought her lunch and dinner over. I’m sorry for not telling you.” She looks down at the floor, not only to feign sadness but also to avoid his eyes.

The second the teenager talks Spencer knows there is something fishy. Her voice is higher and she fidget with her hands. But he writes it off as being nervous for not telling him. Ever since he is out of prison, it feels like his daughter is withholding something.

“It’s fine, Sweetheart. Just give me a heads-up beforehand, so I know to buy more groceries. What do you think about ordering something tonight? I heard from Luke that a small Chinese restaurant opened a few streets down. We can celebrate the end of the stressful phase in Sophomore year.”

It seems like (Y/N) is calculating something in her head. Spencer knows exactly what she thinks about. “You can forget about your calorie intake for one night. I see how much time you invest in living healthy, but we can let loose for a night together. Just some noodles with chicken or spring rolls and us trying to use chopsticks and giving up after two minutes and resorting to forks. How does that sound?”

The teenager would love to sigh, but it would only alarm her father further. “Yeah, you are right. Let us let loose. But only if I can choose the movie we watch after dinner!” (Y/N) feels bad for eating unhealthy food again. Her last binge was only yesterday and usually she tries to consume lighter things. But she has to bite into the sour apple, else her father will be more suspicious. After all, she can just stop. (Y/N) promises herself to not think about her weight, her shape or the calories she will eat.

Well yeah, no. Just after the first noodle hits her tongue, intrusive thoughts take a seat in her mind, getting settled.

‘You already look like a potato.’

‘Are you sure this is the right thing to eat?’

‘Can you really stop?’

‘Dad is going to hate you when he finds out.’

All of them and more enter her head. (Y/N) is unable to shake them off. She is fine. She doesn’t have a problem. She just doesn’t feel like eating now, that’s fine, right?

“Uhm Dad. I’m full and really tired from the day. Is it ok if I go to bed? Maybe we can rain check on that movie?” The girl asks, feeling even worse for ditching her father. Usually it’s the other way around.

“Are you feeling ok? You look a little pale. Are you sick?” Spencer fires his question canone being the borderline helicopter father he always is. “Yes, just really exhausted from all the assignment and school work. A good night's rest and I will be good as new.” (Y/N) attempts a small smile, but fails miserably at it.

“Ok, sleep tight baby. I’ll put the leftovers in the fridge for you tomorrow.” Quickly she goes into her room. The thoughts in her head scream louder and louder with each step she takes. Can she really stop? Maybe she should come clean to her father.

‘And risking him hating you? Look at you, thinking you are sane is the only thing keeping him from abandoning you. How would you explain him keeping you otherwise? It’s definitely not for your looks.’

Later that night, (Y/N) hasn’t gotten a wink of sleep because of the voices, she makes her way back to the kitchen. In an attempt to distract herself, the teenager scrolled through her social media sites. There she was met by pictures of perfect people.

Perfect bodies. Perfect lives. Perfect smiles. Perfect family. Perfect friends. Everything about them is perfect.

And then there is her. Her body is unperfect. Her life is a mess. Her smile is not that of a model. Her family is just her, her father and the people he works with. Her friends aren’t always the best associates.

The stress of not feeling enough is getting to (Y/N)’s head. Like several times before that her body goes into auto. She doesn’t control her movements, though she tells herself all of this is willently.

Like so many times before the girl goes through the fridge and eats everything up she can get her fingers on. But this time one thing is different. Her father is at home. And he isn’t a heavy sleeper.

The movement in the kitchen wakes him up. Immediately his brain jumps to a burglar or even worse, an UnSub they once arrested coming after him. Quickly he gets his revolver and sneaks through the hallway to the source of the noises. As Spencer only sees his daughter sitting there, he instantly relaxes.

“Hey Sweetheart, what are you doing up? It’s a school night”, he softly asks in order to not scare her. Still, (Y/N) gets startled at the sudden voice.

“Uhm, nothing much. Just hungry. Probably because I didn’t eat dinner”, she explains, looking at her father like he caught her with her hand stuck in the cookie jar. Spencer watches her closely. “This is it? Because from what it looks like you not only ate your dinner but also tomorrow’s breakfast and right now lunch.”

(Y/N) swallows her bite, feeling that sinking reality in her stomach. The pills. She needs the pills fast before her body begins to digest the food. “Uhm, yeah. I probably should go to bed. I need my sleep. Just let me tidy up. Good night, Dad.” But he is quick to stop her.

“(Y/N), I want you to sit down. There is something we have to talk about.” Hesitantly (Y/N) takes a seat. “What is it Dad? Are you reprimanding me for eating? I thought you wanted me to let loose for a night.”

Spencer sits, leaning against the kitchen counter. “Baby, I want you to be alright. But I think you are not.” His eyes get a sad look. “I’m alright. I am fine, Dad. What do you think is wrong with me?”

“Look, (Y/N), I don’t need to be a profiler to see that you are struggling with something. Do you want to tell me about it?” Her answer is a tight lipped smile and a “I’m fine. There is nothing to talk about.”

The father sighs. She is not leaving him much of a choice. “And what about them?” Spencer asks after getting something from the highest shelf in the kitchen, the one (Y/N) barely reaches by stepping on a stool. He sets a little container down on the table.

“Dad I-” “No (Y/N). You don’t need to explain anything. It’s my turn to talk. I found those in your room yesterday while I was looking for a book. At first I thought nothing of it, I mean you are trying to live healthy, so I thought this is part of the process. But then I saw that they have to be prescribed and I know that these aren’t yours.

“I wanted to talk about it with you anyway. But now I know that I caught you binge eating and I see all the signs. I see them and I’m sorry for not acting sooner. (Y/N), you need help and I’m here for you. I know the last few months were especially hard on you. I can’t change what was and what happened, but I will be here for you now." Tears stream down on boths their faces.

(Y/N) is stammering for words. “I-I am fine. I can stop anytime I want. Th-this was a conscious d-decision.” Her father envelops her in a hug, cradling her head to his chest. She begins to sob.

“I know, Sweetheart. It’s hard and it won’t get easier from here on, but I’m here. You know you can’t stop, it’s only an illusion your eating disorder wants you to believe. But we get through it together. You, I and the team if you want to. We take it at your pace.” By now the two are crying loudly.

“I want it to stop, Dad. Please make the voice go away.”

He can’t make it go away. No one can. But Spencer helps to quiet it. Together they tackle the disorder, through the good and the bad times. He takes off from work for a time and (Y/N) out of school for a few weeks to be able to work on it together, to make the voice quieter and her life better.

Taglist:

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