#also as of right now sil is still in the hospital and baby is not out yet

[laniidae-passerine]

It still really gets me how sincere Andy’s grief over his potential child is. At first you think, oh this is just a weird flight of fancy for him, the idea of having a kid sounds fun but he’s not serious, but over the course of the episode you realise that, no, Andy actually wants children. It exposes something raw and depressing and lovely at Andy’s core and it just hits, how sad he is about what addiction took from him, the years and the growth and a potential life, but the hope that exists in knowing he’s getting better. Andy isn’t ready to be a father right now and it’s good for them both that Teresa chose to have an abortion, but maybe, some day when he’s ready, Andy will get to have a baby with someone who loves him.

[a9saga]

kim jaejoong - love you more // "i love jaejoong," said the jaejoong lesbian

[dailyunsolvedmysteries]

Bruce Jeffrey Pardo, Killer Santa

Bruce Jeffrey Pardo grew up in the San Fernando Valley, in Los Angeles California. A bright man, he graduated and secured himself a job as a software engineer for Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Bruce wasn’t the model employee, spending time hacking the company systems to access private personnel information including, but not limited to compensation, tax information, etc… He also had very poor attendance. Despite all this, by 1988, at the age of 24, he found himself engaged to Delia, a fellow employee. The big day arrived on June 17, 1989. Delia waited at the church in nervous anticipation, but Bruce never showed up. She later discovered that he had withdrawn $3,000.00 from their joint bank account and took a trip of his own – to Palm Springs, Florida. Delia called off their engagement, and things went back to how they used to be. It wasn’t until 2001 that Bruce found himself in another difficult situation. He was living with his girlfriend, Eleanor and their thirteen month old son, Matthew, in Woodland Hills, California. It was the most stable relationship Bruce had ever had, and things were going really well. That is, until the day Eleanor went out, leaving Bruce home alone with the baby.

Bruce turned on the television, and got sucked in. He wasn’t paying careful attention to Matthew, and the boy fell into the backyard pool. When Eleanor returned home, she found Bruce holding their son, nearly hysterical. Matthew was rushed to the hospital, and after just one week of intense medical attention, the doctors informed them that their son would never fully recover. In fact, Matthew had sustained brain damage, and was now a paraplegic. As Bruce did when things got hard, he left, never to see his son again.

In 2004, a coworker of Bruce’s introduced him to his sister-in-law, Sylvia. Sylvia was a forty year old, mother of three, and they hit it off, right from the start. But things are not always as they seem. The relationship was suffering under financial stress, and then Bruce’s mother, Nancy, decided she had to say something. She was quite fond of Sylvia, and knew her son had his troubles. She told her about her son’s past relationships, including that with Eleanor, and their son, Matthew. Sylvia was shocked by this revelation, having not known anything about Matthew, and further angered by Bruce’s dishonesty and his lack of responsibility. Then it was discovered that although Bruce hadn’t seen his son since that day in the hospital, he was still continuing to claim him on his taxes as a dependent.

Sylvia filed for divorce in April 2008, and Bruce spiraled into depression.

In June, he purchased his first gun, a 9mm handgun. On June 18, in divorce court, he was ordered to pay $1,785 per month in spousal support. He wrote his first check, which bounced, and then he stopped payment on the second, making no further attempts to pay.

On July 31, he was fired from his job, for billing fraudulent hours. He applied for unemployment, but was denied, as workers who are fired are deemed ineligible.

On August 8, Bruce purchased another 9mm handgun, followed by another purchase on September 8. He then contacted one of his neighbors, Jerry, who happened to be the proprietor of Jerry’s Costumes. He requested a custom sized Santa suit with a little extra room for comfort, as he was 6’4” and 270 pounds, making a standard suit too small. He told her it was for a children’s party, and paid a $200 deposit, with a promise to pick up and pay the rest in November.

Just one week before Christmas, on December 18, 2008, Bruce’s divorce from Sylvia was final. He agreed to let her keep her diamond engagement ring, and agreed to pay her $10k. The next day, he went to a Montrose travel agency, where he booked a ticket to Iowa where he would visit his friend, Steve. He paid $650 for a roundtrip flight, that would depart at 12:20am on Christmas day, and return two weeks later.

He rented Dodge Caliber from Budget, then rented a Silver Rav4 from Rent A Rec. He loaded up the Rav4 with maps of the Southwestern United States as well as water, food, clothing, a tank of gas, a laptop, and desktop computer.

Early evening on Christmas Eve, he stopped to chat with a neighbor, saying he was heading out to a Christmas party. He had been signed up to serve as an user for midnight mass at the church he attended, but didn’t show up. Instead, at approximately 11:30pm, dressed in his Santa suit, Bruce knocked on the door of his former in-laws’ house, where he knew his ex-wife would be.

The door was answered by eight-year old Leticia Yuzefpolsky, Sylvia’s niece. Excited to see Santa Clause, she rushed toward him. Bruce didn’t hesitate, he fired, hitting her in the face. He went on to shoot indiscriminately at the frightened party guests. When he felt he was done shooting, he unwrapped the gift he had brought with him. It was a homemade flamethrower. He began to spray racing fuel around the home, intent on lighting it with a flare. Unfortunately for Bruce, the flames from two separate fireplaces triggered an explosion.

Bruce fled the house, dropping a pair of fake glasses and his Santa hat in the yard. He jumped into the Dodge Caliber rental car and drove thirty miles to Sylmar, parking about a block away from his brother’s home.

He carefully peeled his shredded Santa suit off his body, as it had melted into his skin from the explosion, causing third degree burns. He used his suit to setup a booby trap; if the suit was moved, a trip wire would ignite a flash fire, exploding 200 rounds of ammunition.

Bruce’s brother returned home around 3:10am and found him sprawled on the living room couch, with two handguns by his side. He was dead, having shot himself in the mouth.

Back at the house, the fire soared 40-50 feet, and took 80 firefighters an hour and a half to extinguish. Nine people were dead, and three others wounded. Due to the intensity of the fire, victims could only be identified with dental and medical records.

Sylvia Ortega Pardo, Bruce’s ex-wife, died from a gunshot wound.

Alicia Sotomayor Ortega, Sylvia’s mother, died from a gunshot wound to the abdomen.

Joseph S. Ortega, Sylvia’s father, died from multiple gunshot wounds.

Charles Ortega, Sylvia’s brother, died from a combination of smoke inhalation and gunshot wounds.

Cheri Lynn Ortega, Charles’ wife, died from a combination of smoke inhalation and gunshot wounds.

James Ortega, Sylvia’s brother, died from a combination of smoke inhalation and gunshot wounds.

Teresa Ortega, James’ wife, died from a combination of smoke inhalation and gunshot wounds.

Alicia Ortega Oritz, Sylvia’s sister, died from a combination of smoke inhalation and gunshot wounds.

Michael Andre Oritz, Alicia’s son, died in the fire.

Sylvia’s eight-year-old niece, who had been shot in the face, suffered severe, but non-life-threatening injuries. A sixteen year old girl was shot and wounded in the back, and a twenty year old woman suffered a broken ankle, jumping from a second floor window.

[belovedrival]

Sorry this is all a blargh kind of post but this is how I feel right now:

My grandpa died last Thursday. To support my dad, I went to my parent’s house on Friday and stayed until today. I’m glad I went (my aunt and uncle were there too) but when I got home I felt completely overwhelmed.

Mister’s school had a baby shower for us on Friday, which was very loving and generous, but the nursery, which was very clean and organized, looks like a wreck again. And there’s more things that need washing. More things to do.

I’m tired of people telling me (whether in jest or being serious) that my house will never be clean again - oh, and I’ll never get enough sleep for at least a decade. It’s not helpful. Or funny. Seriously, either shut up or give constructive advice.

Every room - and I mean EVERY room in the house - needs organization/cleaning/something done. It makes me even more tired to think about it. I put away clean clothes a little while ago - that helped to feel like SOMETHING is being done.

There’s been a mix-up, on my end, over who’s parents will be here when after Wiggles is born. I thought my in-laws would be here a bit early, but nope - now it sounds like they’re waiting on my parents. Which is okay on the one hand, because my parents are a couple hours away, but on the other it’s not okay because my brother and sister-in-law are also expecting a baby very soon, and my mom told me this morning that she has plane tickets to go to their house on March 21st. So now I’m like...okay, I thought THAT part of organizing help for the first couple weeks was done, but it’s not. Add that to the list.

Grandpa’s funeral is next Saturday in Missouri, where there’s basically no Coronavirus restrictions unless the family calls for it, and my dad’s side of the family is not on the whole, people who call for it. And of course every second cousin within driving distance has been invited to come - to the funeral, the meal afterwards, and the grave side military ceremony. Mister’s been asked to be a pallbearer and this is my last living grandparent, so my inclination is to go because I know I would regret not going to my Grandpa’s funeral in a month, in a year, in ten years. People might feel differently but this is an event where it only happens once. There’s no way to do it later. I have zero input over the plans because they were all made by Friday afternoon and I didn’t find out about them until Friday evening. I’m not scared of getting Coronavirus but what I *am* scared of is Mister getting it, or testing positive, I go into labor, and then I’m forced to give birth without the one person allowed to be with me. We could mask, but I have to be realistic: there won’t be social distancing and we can’t keep our masks on while eating (obviously).

And I hate even thinking of all this, because I feel like I should be remembering Grandpa, and instead I’m feeling resentful that two of the last weekends before my due date have been completely devoid of doing anything substantial at home, and the list of things to do keeps getting longer, and people keep saying very sweet things like how good I look, while inside I feel like an ungrateful bitch because I’d prefer a cleaning crew or house elves to organize my house over their compliments, so I don’t keel over from stress.

One of my coworkers is off later this week. I can’t take time off to do stuff at home. I feel like this is my last realistic week to get anything done work-wise.

Did I mention I’m pretty sure I felt real contractions - not Braxton Hicks - over the last couple days?Nothing consistent but...let’s add to my stress, la la la la la...

Tomorrow is my pre-registration at the hospital, and I’ve got another appointment with my doctor, and another NST. I’ve got two NSTs a week scheduled for the duration, on Mondays and Thursdays. This coming Friday I have another ultrasound. Fingers crossed Wiggles is still head down.

And now Mister is on the phone because another student tested positive. At least this time he’s not as worried because 1) this student, unlike the last positive case, wasn’t crawling all over him (literally) yesterday and 2) he and the entire staff got their first shots yesterday. For what it’s worth.

Argh. I hate feeling tugged in two. But Wiggles, and us, come first. I’ll talk to the doctor tomorrow and explain the situation, and ask if/what’s the wise thing to do.

I want, desperately, to be there when Grandpa is laid to rest. Fuck Coronavirus, fuck how much everyone’s been divided over the response to it this past year. I’ve never been an absolutist about it - I do not think it’s reasonable to expect those with little to no risk to quarantine for months on end; nowhere in history were healthy people expected to behave as though they were sick. Neither do I think it’s right to just go on with things as though it’s 2019; I wish it was, but it’s not. If we pull the trigger and say we’re not going I can just hear what my sister will say. My brother and sister-in-law aren’t coming; they say they want to avoid a situation like they had with my nephew G, when they barely made it to the hospital before he was born. Driving eight hours one way isn’t something to put my SIL’s mind at ease. I get that. And, of course, there’s Coronavirus. My sister is half convinced that R simply doesn’t want to travel to Missouri (though my brother’s family plans on going to the beach later this summer, pandemic or no pandemic) - and she (my sister) might be right.

Thank God that my mother said before I left them today (with my father standing right there, nodding) that whatever we chose, they would support us. This still sucks.

Things will get done, somehow. Wiggles might decide to make his/her appearance this week and the whole conundrum is solved for us (though I’m going to hit 37 weeks this week and I’d rather cook for another week).

Oh, I can’t even getting too much into the guilt I feel over not writing/updating my fics. It makes me depressed thinking that I won’t get any time for that for the foreseeable future. I understand having a child trumps personal things, but I can’t help but mourn a little for my former life. I am not my mother - someone who poured her life into being “mom” and seemingly had very little/no other personal interests until we were out of the house. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother; but there’s more than that one side of me. Does that make sense?

(My mom is a wonderful mom, by the way. She also is an excellent amateur photographer who I think could sell her pictures if she wanted to.)

Gotta end this rant/blargh somehow. I hope you all have a more peaceful evening.

[granddaddycaldwell]

I think your intentions are good, but don’t you have babies? Instead of worrying about writing down the normality of orgasms, it’s more important to always be an open and safe place for them to talk to you about embarrassing things from a young age, like if their privates hurt (from being irritated or w/e) or if they’re feeling self conscious about something about themselves. The writing it down thing might be good long run, but for now working on that trust basis is the most important thing.

I currently have two babies, yes. The oldest is almost 2 and the youngest is nearly 4 months.

I very much intend on doing just that with my children. I am a SAHM with them and spend 80% of my time doing things for them, whether that be taking care of their physical needs or playing with them to bond. Obviously I can’t quite have conversations with them about life yet, but I do plan on being very open with them and fostering as much of a healthy relationship with them as possible.

However, kids are kids. You can do everything “right” and they can still hate you or not take anything you say to the heart. That’s my intention for writing them this little book. I mean, I don’t plan on doing it too intense - it won’t be big by any means, but I want it to cover things that they may not feel comfortable coming to me for.

My parents did their best to foster an open relationship with me and my brothers and we still avoided them when we wanted information on sex, for example. We often relied on friends or google which as you probably know, aren’t always reliable. Despite them telling me that no one should touch me in my “private area” and that I should go to them if someone does, I still hid all three of my sexual abuses until I was hospitalized (by a friends push) for suicidal thoughts and mental breakdowns.

My parents did their best and it wasn’t good enough because I didn’t want to hear it. That’s why I want to put together a little book. Some kids take advice better when they don’t think it’s obvious they are taking the advice. I am thinking long term with my kids. Obviously, at the exact time, I am working on the short term with bonding and being open and not withholding information when they ask. I will never answer a “why” with a “because I said so” because I want to show them that I am someone they can bring their questions to. But, kids will be kids and sometimes no matter how much you do right, they still don’t want to come to you for support. It’s always good to have another area set up that they can go to for trusted information. (I also have my SIL who my 2 year old daughter is attached to so I’m hoping if she won’t come to me, she will go to my SIL for advice.)

[maealbert]

The Liaison // Demoted

NEW!

AU Characters: Team x OC (Lucy De Luca) A/N: Woo! I felt like I was writing this for years, it took so long. Master List The Liaison

tag list:  @literallyreid @idkbutspencer @literallyprentissstwin @remember-me-forever-silent-angel @cynbx @tenaciousarcadeexpert @rawritsmolly @dontshootmespence @princesswagger15 @drspencerreider @illegalcerebral @marvelfanlife @rt8815 @punkpenguin2019 @extremeobsessions101 

“So…” Lucy says as she pours the fresh coffee into her mug. “How long do you think Luke will be “punished” per say?”

Emily lowered her mug and cleared her throat. “That is between Luke and myself. I can’t discuss any further details with you or anyone else from the team.”

Lucy glanced over at Luke. He had his face buried in his paperwork. “You would’ve done the same thing if you were in danger or you lost a loved one.”

“I did..” Emily mutters. “But I didn’t shoot..”

Lucy lowered her head knowing what she was talking about. Emily has always been open with her about everything. She knew Matthew was one of her close friends. She knew the story. Lucy cleared her throat before setting her mug down on the counter. “I’m going to gather the team…” She says. “We’re heading to Idaho.”

“You’re not,” Emily says following after Lucy out of the bullpen. “I was going to ask if you could stay here with Luke. You know.. Keep your eye on him.”

“Emily, let me give you a reminder that Luke is not a little kid. He doesn’t need a babysitter.” Lucy says. “Plus, Garcia’s here.”

“Yes I know, but Garcia’s got a lot on her plate right now, especially with this case,” Emily says as she pulls out her handcuffs.

“Not the handcuffs.” Lucy groans. “You’re seriously taking this way out of proportion.”

___

Luke stares at Lucy. “All day?” He says.

“All day..” Lucy says rolling her eyes.

“So now what do we do? My desk is out here and you’re in an office.”

“Bring your papers into my office.” Lucy says.

___

“Okay.. I can’t do this!” Luke exclaims. “There’s enough room on this desk for the both of us. You have like ten times more work than I do.”

“Oh I’m sorry, Britney. It’s three files a lot for you?” Lucy jokes.

Luke chuckles shaking his head. “Why is she torturing us?”

“More like me..” Lucy mutters. “She wants me to keep my eye on you.”

“With handcuffs?” Luke says squinting his eyes. “Does she really think that I’m gonna run away again?”

“I never know what she’s thinking, except this time,” Lucy replies as she reaches up to her hair and pulls out a bobby pin that held up her bangs. As they flopped down on her forehead, she shakes them out before reaching for the cuffs to unlock them. She could feel Luke’s eyes on her. “Oh come on, Rogue,” She says as the cuffs open up. “Haven’t you ever used bobby pins to open locks?”

“I have a gun.” He replies.

“I respect Emily and her wishes but if we’re going to get any work done today, we’re going to need to be seperated,” Lucy says as she gets back to her work. “But if you think about leaving that chair, you better think about something else.”

“Just when I thought I was free.”

“I could always handcuff you to the desk,” Lucy says smiling at him.

“I feel like a little kid.”

“Little kids defy orders, you did just that.”

“Really? You too?”

“Hey, I know better than to shoot my gun when going against anybody’s orders.”

“But wouldn’t you have done the same thing?”

“If my life really depended on it? Yes. But you heard Emily when she told you to sit the case out. They had it handled.”

“He was getting away. I had to do something.”

“Luke..” Lucy sighs as she rests her hands on her desk. “She ordered you for yours and Lisa’s protection.”

“So she can go after her enemy but I can’t?

“Hotch didn’t order Emily to sit that case out because he didn’t know she was involved with Doyle. She had the right to go after Doyle.”

“It’s still not fair.”

“Quit your complaining and get back to work. And when we video conference with the team, we have to be handcuffed again.”

“Looks like someone else is defying orders.”

“There’s a difference between shooting a gun and taking off handcuffs.” Lucy says. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pee.”

“Thanks for the info.” Luke says looking at her in disgust.

“Don’t move.” She says pointing at him before leaving the office and closing the door behind him.

“Where’s Luke?” Garcia says walking up beside Lucy. “Didn’t Emily handcuff you two together?”

“Yes, but I gotta pee.” Lucy responds. “No way in hell am I taking him with me.”

_________

“Yes, I’m on my way home now…. Well we won’t be the only one having Thai tonight….. I’ll explain when we get there.”

Lucy shakes her head as she pulls up to the Thai restaurant that he and Lisa likes. She rolls down her window once they get to the drive-thru and Luke begins ordering the food. Once they got their food, Lucy headed straight to Luke’s apartment.

“Hey!” Lisa exclaims as she comes over to hug Lucy. “Driving home my man over here?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Let’s just say that Emily pulled the short straw for Lucy.” Luke says holding up the open handcuffs. “She doesn’t trust that I’ll stay put.”

“Oh honey..” Lisa says rubbing his back. “But that just means that we get to spend more time together.”

“Oh uh, before I forget,” Luke says. “Guest bedroom is down the hall on the right.”

“Good, but I gotta run out real quick,” Lucy says glancing down at her watch. “I have to pick up the kids from school and drop them off at the babysitter’s place. I shouldn’t be more than two hours max.”

“Is she watching them all night?” Luke asks.

“Yeah, I kind of bribed her with extra pay if she watches them just tonight.” Lucy says as she grabs her purse and keys off the table by the door and leaves the apartment.

______

“Thank you so much for taking them overnight.” Lucy says as she places the baby carrier on the floor.

“Everything okay at work?” The babysitter asks as she closes the door behind Lucy.

“Yeah a case came up so I’m gonna be at the office overnight. Isaiah drinks up to four ounces of formula now every three hours during the day, we try to get him to go to sleep around ten and he sleeps most of the night, typically wakes up when the girls get up for school.”

“Okay sounds good.”

“I always made sure that both of the girls have clean clothes for school tomorrow. Vivien must have her school work done before dinner. Julianne typically works on hers before and after dinner. Viv is also a very picky eater but Spencer and I typically threaten her with no tv time after dinner if she doesn’t eat her dinner. I’ll be back tomorrow morning to take them to school.”

“Should I pick them up too?”

“I’ll be able to step away for a bit to pick them up. I also have to get JJ’s kiddos too. I’ll probably drop them off tomorrow around three or four when I get the bigger kids. Call me if you need anything. I’m only an hour away.”

“Don’t work yourself too hard.” The babysitter says as Lucy leaves the house.

Getting back into her car, she starts to head back to her car when she gets a call from Lisa. “Hey, I’m just now leaving the babysitter’s.”

“We’re not home.”

“What do you mean? Luke isn’t allowed--”

“I know but this is an emergency. Can you meet us at the hospital?”

“I’m on my way..” Making a U-Turn, Lucy makes her way in the direction of the hospital when she receives a text from Luke.

‘Do not come inside.’

Knowing she couldn’t reply while driving, she pulls over to the side of the road. ‘Why? What’s going on?’

Suddenly Fornell’s number flashed on her screen. “Yeah, what’s up?”

“Hey, I heard you were still in town. There’s a gunman inside the hospital. Think you can help?”

“Already on my way.” Lucy says as she hangs up. Pulling down the visor above the passenger seat, she turns on the sirens and speeds off.

Arriving at the hospital, she sends Emily a quick text before getting out of the car. Pulling off her blazer, she tosses it on her seat and walks back to the trunk. Reaching inside she grabs her bulletproof vest and straps it on before heading to the entrance. Instantly she sees Fornell and heads straight for him. “Thanks for coming. We were informed that Agent Alvez is inside as well.”

“Yeah, I still don’t know why though. His fiancee said it was an emergency so I was on my way here until he texted me not to come inside and then you called and here we are.”

“Man, I haven’t heard the voice in a couple years.” A male spoke behind Lucy. She rolled her eyes before turning around to face Orkin. “Well well well, if it isn’t Special Agent Lucy De Luca with the Behavioral Analysis Unit. How’s Emily Prentiss doing being back on her high horse?”

“Ready to ride right over you.. Oh wait, she already did.”

“Alright, alright. We’re not here to bicker. We’re here to stop the gunman.”

“How many dead so far?” Lucy asked without tearing her eyes away from Orkin.

“We don’t know yet. We can’t quite locate the gunman yet. Whoever this is, isn’t alone. Someone’s hacking the security system so we don’t have eyes inside.”

“I know just the person who can do that.” Lucy says as she turns away from Orkin and pulls out her phone.

“You have reached the amazing and powerful wizard of the world wide web. Speak.”

“Garcia, I’m going to need to borrow your brain for a while.”

“Go right ahead, that’s what I’m here for. What do you need?”

“I need you to override the security system as the hospital.”

“Uh, why?”

Lucy spotted a news van across the parking lot. “Turn on channel four. Start hacking.”

“I’m on it.”

“Great, I’ll send you the IP address of the SWAT’s system, patch us through.”

“I always do.”

________________________________

Luke’s phone vibrated on his bed. He mentally cursed himself as he struggled to turn his phone to complete silence. Looking quickly at his message, he saw it from Lucy. ‘Unsub is in the floor below you. Have Lisa turn off all of your machines, put the blanket over your head and play dead.’

‘You’ve located the unsub?’

‘Yes, we’re on our way in. We know where you are and others. Just stay where you are, hide your phone, play dead.’

Lucy put her phone on complete silence and followed behind Fornell and the SWAT team. Reaching the entrance, they split off into two groups covering different sides of the hospital. “Unsub is on the third floor, Agent Alvez is on the fourth floor,” Fornell says. “That’s your main goal is get Agent Alvez out of here while we take down the unsub and then we go for the survivors.” Fornell spoke through the ear piece. “If you see the unsub, don’t approach him.” Lucy slips through the doors leading to the stairs, two SWAT members in front of her and the behind her. “Phone calls we’ve received from survivors inside here all describe him as unbalanced, disturbed, and angry.”

“Do we have any information on him?”

“We spoke to a doctor who was able to leave the hospital when the unsub went to the second floor. The unsub used to work here at the hospital.”

“Garcia, still there?”

“I’m here.” She responds. “What do you need?”

“I need you to get any and all information you can on our unsub and send it to us.”

“I’m on it.”

As Lucy makes her way up to the fourth floor, she peers through the door leading to the third floor. Everything was quiet until she saw the unsub appear around the corner where the nurse’s station was. Hiding away from the window, she takes in a deep breath. Peering back through the window, she sees him walking down the hallway in the opposite direction. The lead SWAT member motions his hand up the stairway to the fourth floor. Reaching the fourth floor, the group makes their way to Luke’s room. Reaching for the doorknob, Lucy quietly pushes the door open only to find a gun being pointed at her. Standing on the other side of the gun was a security officer.

“Whoa there..” Lucy whispered. “Put the gun down.”

“Oh I didn’t think you’d ever come.” Lisa sighed as she threw her arms around Lucy.

“Look, we need to get these three out of here.” One of the SWAT members spoke. “Rich, Kas, you’re with me. We’ll take these three out. The rest of you head down to the third floor and help out the others.”

The group of eight split again into two groups of four. Once Luke and Lisa had been escorted out, Lucy makes her way to the stairwell on the opposite end of the hallway. Pushing open the door, everyone keeps their guns trained between the railing of the staircases as they make their way down to the third floor. Reaching the door leading to the third floor, Garcia starts talking to Lucy through her ear piece.

“Hey, so I dug up files on our unsub.”

“What do you got?” Lucy whispered, careful not to attract the unsub’s attention.

“Your unsub is Dr. Michael Cleveland. He was the Chief of General Surgery.”

“Was?” Lucy asks.

“Yeah, I found a file in the Board’s archives. It says here that Cleveland was demoted back to Attending when he was found guilty of letting one his surgeons slide after they were discovered being drunk while performing brain surgery.”

“Well if I ever need brain surgery, make sure whoever is working on me is drugged tested and given the breathalyzer test.” Lucy says.

“His demotion is temporary until his next trial with the board next week.”

“Well it looks like he couldn’t exactly wait. Thanks Garcia.” Slowly pulling open the door to the third floor of the hospital, Lucy cautiously steps through and peers down the hallways on either side of her. As the group slowly made their way down the hall in front of them, where Lucy last saw Cleveland, a gunshot echoed through the halls making the group stop in their tracks. Following the sound of the gunshot, they find a doctor on the floor, a fresh pool of blood surrounding his head. Lucy bent down and pressed her fingers to his neck. She shakes her head at the guys behind her. Standing back up, they slowly move on down the hallway, their sense heightened after what happened. “He isn’t far.” Lucy whispered. She hears papers being shuffled around further down the room. Holding her gun up in front of her, she reaches one of the file rooms where she finds Michael digging through the top drawer of one of the filing cabinets. His gun was resting on the desk beside the door frame, just a few inches from Lucy. Reaching for the gun as quietly as she could, she hands it to one of the guys behind her. “Michael Cleveland.” Michael froze in his spot, his back still turned to the group. “Step away from the filing cabinet and put your hands up.”

He did as she ordered. Walking over to him, she pulls out her handcuffs and cuffs his hands together. She hands him over to one of the guys and they escort him out of the room. Fornell steps into the room, flicking the light on. “Why do you think he opened fire here?”

“He was probably angry because he was demoted, stripped from his title as Chief of General Surgery.” Lucy says as she walks over to the filing cabinet that Michael was sifting through. “But what was he looking for?” Picking up the file that laid open on the open drawer, she turned to face Fornell. “He was looking at patient’s file.”

“Why?”

Lucy shrugged his shoulder. “I don’t know, but that is now your job to figure out. I didn’t my part. Now I gotta go see Luke.”

“But he’s fine.”

“He had stitches in his hand, he’s not fine.”

“Alright mama bear, relax.” Fornell says.

“No, I will not relax. Luke is my responsibility until the team gets back from Idaho. If Luke gets more than stitches, I’m going to have deal with Emily.”

“Is it that bad?”

“She demoted Luke because he fired his gun all while defying direct orders. I already let him out of my sight once and looked what happened. He cut his hand open and then the hospital had a rampant gunman running around. If she got pissed at Luke then. I don’t even want to know what she’s going to say when she gets back to town?”

____________

“I specifically told you to stay with him! How could you let this happen?!”

“Well my kids had to be picked up so--”

“No excuses, whatever it is you did, you should’ve taken him with you.”

“He was at home with Lisa! She knew the protocol! I was I supposed to know that he was going to cut his hand open while slicing steak?!”

Emily groaned shaking her hand. “Why can’t anyone just listen to what I tell them?”

“I was gone for an hour!”

“It doesn’t matter! You ignored my orders!”

“It was an hour, Emily!”

“Don’t yell at me, Lucy.” Emily says pointing her finger at Lucy. “I gave you direct orders to keep your eye on Luke, is it that hard to just do it?”

“I wasn’t going to bring him along with me to pick up the kids!”

“Why not?”

“Because it would’ve been weird with unnecessary questions thrown at me.”

“Then just answer them.”

Lucy rolled her eyes as she got out of the chair and headed for the door. “Next time you keep him at the office, chain him to Garcia.” She says before leaving Emily’s office and heading straight to hers.

Emily’s not so happy when her orders are defied..... Oops?

If you liked this part than please be sure to leave it some love and some feedback!

Thank you! I love you! :)

[rezilient-m3]

8) I was kinda dreading to write this part because it's long and a shitty part of my life... I got pregnant after my son was taken. To me, I was happy, I thought this preganancy was want we both wanted. I was so hurt when James told me he wasn't ready to be a dad and he didn't think I should keep the baby. And to me, the way I was raised, you don't get abortions, it's just not a thing you can do. So, I was stuck. I still went home every chance I got to visit my son. One trip, it was my oldest sister, R, and her husband who gave me a ride. They had a lot of kids, so I was considering asking them if they'd take my baby. Mind you, nobody knew yet I was pregnant cuz I wasn't expecting the reaction I got from James, so I couldn't be happy and was worrying about what my next steps would be. That whole 5 hour trip with them I was quiet, I was trying to figure out how I'm going to bring it up to them of how I got pregnant, but the dad didn't want a baby and I didn't want to get rid of it. I didn't say anything. I thought I'd talk to my mum first and see what she would have to say. Next day I miscarried though. I was just over 2 mths. I was so sad. Makes me sad now and wondering wtf was I thinking for not leaving him for all these red flags he's been showing me.

I don't remember how the conversation with James went like. But we went back to our normal ways of living. Drinking and living irresponsibly. We soon moved out of our old townhouse in the industrial area, to a duplex in the inner city. I applied for school in the fall for a course I knew nothing about. But was excited for my future. I got in, got accepted for the funding and was set for Sept. Nothing really special happened that summer. It was the same stories: get drunk, blow our money and I started cheating on him with randoms. It was just a broken relationship.

In August, I don't remember what the reason for us breaking up was. But I went home for awhile, and he went back to his parents, they lived in another province at the time. I went back to get my stuff cuz I had to find my own place to start school. I went back, found my computer and stereo missing. It may not sound like a big deal, but to me, at the time it was heartbreaking. Next day, I packed my stuff and moved. I found a one bedroom apartment in a nicer neighborhood. I made it a home in one evening, thanks to my niece (she's the same age as me, so we're more like sisters). I had my very own place and was excited about school.

I still didn't have vehicle, so had to catch the bus to school and walked home most days. I realized the program wasn't what I was expecting. But I still went everyday. Until something happened that would change the course of my life. It was a weekend near the end of Sept, my twin brother was staying with me and our older half brother B was visiting us too. B and I drank that whole time. My twin hates it when we drink. I was an asshole back then, always wanting to fight or argue about anything and everything. I see now of how unhappy I was. But my twin wasn't a drinker, so I let him have my bedroom to sleep in so we can drink. We were on our second night of getting drunk and my brother raped me. Idk why or what he was thinking. We were best friends from all through high school until that night. I remember he was on my desktop, talking to like 3 random girls and I was asking him when he was going to smartnup and give me a sister-in-law. I don't remember this turned into an argument. I didn't even think he was that messed up. We got into a scuffle, I punched him and somehow he had me pinned, while I was on my stomach, took my pants off and did it. I screamed, I cried, but I was weak. At the time I couldn't believe this was actually happening, like how could he think any of this was okay? He was my brother and my best friend. He left, I locked my door, and locked myself in my bathroom. And what did I do? I called James instead of the cops. I didn't tell him what happened but I told him something bad happened and I wanted him to come home.

You're probably wondering why my twin didn't do anything or check wtf was happening. He didn't know, he thought we were just fighting, he thought it we were arguing when he heard me yelling. I didn't even tell him that next morning. When he asked where our brother was, I just said he left. He was devastated and blamed himself when he found out later. Cried to me apologizing, I told him it wasn't his fault. I never blamed him.

Anyways, James was back. I went to school but I was a zombie. I was not okay. I couldn't think of anything else but that night. I stopped going to school after the first week of Oct. And to make things worse, I found out I was pregnant again. This time, I didn't get the same reaction from James. He was excited until I reminded him of the possibility of the baby being from my brother. It was a really tough time for me. I contemplated having an abortion, scared my baby was from my brother for real. My mum was the one that talked me into keeping my baby. She told me no matter what that she'd help me with my baby. James was also being so supportive about this, which was a total 180 from his first reaction the pregnancy before. So, we stayed pregnant.

I had my babygirl June 12, 2010. I wasn't due until the 28th but this day, my cousin (who was my childhood best friend and "almost-to-be-brother") hung himself. I had talked to him the week before, made plans for when he came back to the city. I said maybe I'd have my baby by the time he got back and he'd come visit and give me my first drink lol. That morning, my sister, S, called me with the news. I couldn't breathe, and as soon as I hung up I was crying so hard, I couldn't even tell James what happened. I finally blurted it out and felt my first labour pain. It's not funny but when I tell this story I laugh cuz on our way to the hospital, I was swearing saying "fucken T**, I don't care about a fucken Jr, if we have a boy we're naming him T!" I had a girl though, hours later and she was the spitting image of James. She was his.

James and I didn't last very long being "happy". My daughter had to be a couple months old when we went to my parents place to visit. I left them to go drinking, I was gone for 2 days. Not proud of myself. I didn't cheat on him this time though lol. I was drinking with guys he never liked though, so I can see how upset he was. I went back and told him we can go home the next day. He said his cousin wanted a ride to the bar. I thought I'd let him since I was gone that whole time. I said I'd leave the door open for him. He didn't come back. For 2 days I didn't know where he was, and he had my apartment keys and csrseat so I couldn't just go home. (Oh yeah, he had a beat up old van now). Anyways, my friend Elaine told me he was at her mother-in-law's house with her little SIL. That fucken shooked me. In my egotistical mind, I can do so much wrong, but he could never do the same to me. Until then lol.

I left, got new keys. It was just me and my baby. He stayed with her for awhile until she said she was pregnant too. He denied, and still denies, that boy to this day. I stayed away, he and his parents would come get our girl for some weekends. It couldn't have been for long cuz our next daughter was born the next June on the 19th. But it was this one weekend he had our daughter. I was drunk on the phone talking to my sister S, and she told me she gotten back with her ex and made it seem okay if I wanted to take him back. So, I did. I told him he can come home when he brings her back. And I got pregnant right away. Stupid me. So much has happened that we weren't okay, especially when we'd drink. I had my 2nd daughter on Father's Day of 2011. And got pregnant again after that.

Now that next year, it went from bad to worse. Before I was due his step dad came to our house with all his little brothers and sisters. There was 6 of them, plus his dad, plus me, him and our daughter. All in a small two bedroom house. We moved twice since my apartment. But they drank, James, his dad, his oldest younger brother and his dad's friend. We all went to the bar to play pool, James got stupid drunk. When we left he was giving people in other vehicle's the middle finger. He was always angry and did stupid shit when he was blacked out. Anyways, we got back to my house and were bbqing. His dad's friend had a woman there too and the friends started arguing cuz I think his dad was hitting on that girl. I was supposed to give her a ride somewhere so I had my keys in my pocket. His dad ended up driving away with his friend and that girl. I was closing up our back gate when James come try hug me, I should've just hugged him cuz when I pushed him away, he seen I was holding my keys and tried to get them from me. I wasn't going to give him the keys cuz I knew how drunk he was. I ended up falling on the ground and he was on top of me screaming in my face of how I was a slut and this and that. Even got as rank as throwing around our bbq and chairs and kids toys everywhere. People walking by the alley were watching and called the cops.

This would be the first assault charge he got. I told the cops he didn't hit me, cuz this time he didn't. But they've arrested him anyways and he went to the calls for the night. He got that charge, along with a no contact order and was to stay away. He called his dad and he told me he's waiting at the end of the block in a parking lot in our vehicle. (He got the keys before he was arrested). I went, he was sorry... blah, blah, blah. He came home, even though he wasn't supposed to. I had our 3rd daughter July 7th of 2012.

He still wasn't supposed to be around, but the night before I went into labour, we got into an argument, idk about what. But he didn't come home. That morning I went into labour. I called his mom cuz I couldn't get ahold of him, and she found his at his grandma's. I was so mad at him. I was so close to putting myself in our tub and I was alone with our 2 n 1 year olds. But he showed up, packed the girls, and dropped me off at the hospital emergency. I got admitted at 1:56 and I had her at 2:08. That was so close.! I didn't have time to be sad or afraid cuz I was alone. But James was still not allowed to be there. Nurses knew that. So when he came to see her, I lied and said he was my cousin lol.

Now, we have 3 babies. I went straight to drinking. My baby wasn't even a week yet. Then again, life would change. My sister S was in the city drinking with her friend. They came over to check on me and my sister was seeing Alex. These next few weeks is a blur for me. I hardly stayed sober and James was always away cuz he couldn't be there and again I was involved with social services cuz his grandma knew how much I was drinking. This time it would be my fault. Alex and S would come over, even pitched a tent cuz his living situation was weird. He officially lived with a woman we'll call Laura. But he always claimed he just stayed there cuz he had nowhere to live. Whatever, wasn't my problem. We drank a lot though. Oh, at this time too my brother B showed up with our cousin, I told him I forgave him. He cried, whatever, we made up. Not as close as we were though. Anyways, S, her friend, Alex, B, our cousin and me were forever drinking. All taking turns taking care of my girls. At the time it was fun, and it didn't seem wrong. I found myself being alone with Alex when everybody else would be passed out, we got to know each other. Couldn't even deny there was feelings there between us. Then we eventually took it too far and started sleeping with each other. I suck for doing that to my sister. In my defense, they never said they were a couple, like he was living with another woman. But still, wtf man? Lol.

James showed up once with his mom. His mom raised hell with why I was drinking around them. Which never made sense to me, cuz it was okay if we were drinking with her. There were times where we'd be drinking together and she had no problem with my girl's being around, or her kids. Whatever though. They left. Idk why they didn't take my girl's. But one day, I was hungover, home alone with my girls. I asked my sister S if she had any money, what was her response? "Ask Alex". This time she knew we've slept together, he blurted it out when they were fighting. Dumbass. Anywhoo, I did. I thought he was just gonna buy me beer. He brought beer to drink with me lol. It was the middle of the day, we were out in my back yard with my kids. I was on my third or fourth and he was busy with my oldest, playing. The social worker shows up. He said he could stop drinking and take care of them, as he was only on his first, it didn't work, she took them. At this time, it didn't seem like a big deal cuz I'm still supposed to be with James and I knew they'd give them to him right away. All I did was text them to say the worker took them and they should go get them. And continued drinking with Alex.

I told worker the next day, I'll move out of my house if they can give my girls to their dad and they can stay at my house. This worked. I don't remember if he was still going to jail or not, I know he did plead guilty for assault, even though he didn't hit me when I was pregnant. But we still weren't supposed to be around each other so it was a complicated mess.

I stayed at his auntie's place sometimes, just to say I was living somewhere else. Got visits with my girls through social services, even though I was there at home most days. It went on like this until they closed my file, saying they were with the other parent so it was the matter of family court to figure it all out. But we did, we were still together. Only now I had reasons for not going home sometimes. I was still cheating, this time it was with Alex all the time. I was shady. But I knew James and I would never last.

When he was "in charge" of my girls, that was when the beatings got really bad. I'd get so black and blue and puffy but wouldn't call the cops cuz I wasn't even supposed to be around. So, he got away with it every time. Lived this way for a year. Now it would be 2013. I applied for school again, for a different program, got in, got my funding. We moved to another house our landlord got us cuz we needed more space. This time, we thought we were safe cuz social workers wouldn't know and shit like that. He was collecting welfare for him n the girls, I was still getting child tax and my funding on top of it. But would have been set for the year is we didn't drink and just be together. That was always a conversation but would never happen. Cuz sometimes I did think I loved him. But like I said, I always knew we'd never last.

I went to school, he stayed home with the girls. He was such a piece of shit though. My school was only 6 blocks away, so I'd always go home to check on our kids at lunch. He'd always be asleep and my girls would be locked in their room still. I fucken hated that. He'd stay up all night, playing his stupid games and would sleep before I got up for school. I'd let them out, wake him up and go back to school. Sometimes I'd come home after 330 and he'd still be asleep and our kids would be starving. That was so frustrating. I hated him for that. He just wasn't supportive.

The long weekend in Nov, he took me to the next city to see my parents. They were there at the casino, I thought I'd go visit for the weekend, but for some reason my mum told me just to go home cuz it wouldn't be a long visit. Whatever, I went back. I bought drinks though, and made plans with my cousin down the alley that I'd get dropped off there. James didn't like it, but dropped me off anyways. That whole weekend,again, was a blur. I was drunk the whole time. Had blackouts for most of it. Then it would be Sunday night. I came out of my blackout running down my stairs, in my house, trying to get away from James. Went to my bedroom, locked it, threw myself on my bed and felt the bruises on my face and tasted the blood. He kicked the door open, grabbed me by my hair and threw me on the floor and tried hog tieing me while pinning me down with his steel toe boots. Luckily for me, his cell rang. Idk who it was but he got distracted, I ran upstairs to the bathroom, looked at my face, grabbed a jacket and ran out the door barefooted. I went to the house I was at, banged on the door, my friend seen me and I went lock myself in the bathroom. She called the cops.

Luckily for my girls, they were asleep and James' little brother was at the house cuz he was visiting for the weekend. So, he was watching them for the night when the cops went arrest him. I went to the hospital and got stitches on my upper lip and forehead. Cops then took me to the detachment for pictures. Then, home to sleep. Now, I don't remember getting beaten that bad, just running from him. But I knew it was him, he did it before. That would be the last time I've seen James for 5 years.

Doctor wrote me a note to take a week off of school so I can heal. Now, I was alone with my girls, still trying to go to school with my sister S who was supposed to be my babysitter. She was unreliable though. She drank, which caused me to miss school. I didn't drink for a month. I knew that social services would be called on me cuz that's how his family was. Sure enough, I got 3 random visits from workers. Third time they told me they had no choice to open a file. By the second week of December I had no choice but to quit school, I feel too far behind and missed too many days. That was harsh, especially how well I was doing with my marks. One weekend,my cousin and friend were over and we were going to go out. My cousin's teenage daughter was upstairs and we were downstairs in my room getting ready. We had a 12 of beer, I was on my 2nd when the worker showed up. She didn't care I had a sitter and we were leaving. Sucky thing was our cab showed up right after her. It was all bad timing. My girl's were 3, 2, and 1. They were so happy to be going "bye-bye" and excited to be putting on their winter stuff. I was holding back tears getting them dressed cuz I knew they'd end up with James and it would be hard to reason with him after this. I was right. I never seen them again for 5 years after that.

That was the middle of December. I now have no school, no kids, and no way to pay my 1400 a month the rent was after that month. So, I stayed drunk. I decided to give my house to my cousin, who was trying to get her younger kids back and needed a house. I told her she can have everything but keep my sentimental shit until I come back and get them. I didn't go home for Christmas, I was alone that time. It was so depressing.

After James had beat me and by the time I was out of school and my girls were gone, Alex msged me. I guess my sister S told him all that happened and was upset. We've spoken to each other through the year, here and there. Always telling each other we think of each other. So, he's never lost those feelings, and I've always liked him too. But I my first thought wasn't to tell him about all the shit that just went down, like, why would I? Lol. After Christmas he said he had to come to the city and look at a truck to buy. (After that summer/winter of fooling around he bought a place 5 hrs away to get away from Laura. Which is his fucked up story on his own cuz she did end up moving herself into the old building he bought.)

Anyways, it was December 27th and he was on his way. I had my little half-sister visiting and my cousin, who was gonna take over my house at my place at the time. Cousin was sleeping in the downstairs bedroom, while I was panicking to my sister about Alex coming. We were always drunk or about to get drunk when we hung out, this time I was sober waiting for him to bring the beer lol. I almost told him change of plans about him coming to my house. I was super nervous. All my sister said was to calm the hell down and just say hi and talk to him, she's never seen me that way before but I was freaking out. He showed up, and I'd learn after we got drunk that he was freaking out too before walking up lol.

This day would change my life's course too, I just didn't know it yet. But we spent the night together. He had to go home, which he still had Laura there. But she was told to pack up her shit and leave cuz they weren't really together at that time. I'll get into all of that later.

This was a super long post. I'm sure I've left a lot of parts out of all those years. Will go back if needed. But that's mostly what had happened between James and I. I guess, anyways.

Now I'm about to leave my home city of 6 hard years. Not knowing what my future looks like. Next post will be about me and Alex. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Cuz it wasn't a very "happily ever after".

Thanks for reading, hope it made sense. I don't want to read it lol. Until next time. ✌

[msbarrows]

Still down in Toronto, and will be for ~one more week probably. Apart from Christmas with brother and SIL’s family,I’ve mostly been sticking at my sister’s house, since the reason for my being down here was to give her and the eldest nephew a hand while she was undergoing and recovering from surgery (she’s recovering very well, yay).

Apart from the bra shopping I did before she went into hospital, and visits to her while she was in hospital, I’ve only made a few trips since

First was a lengthy shopping trip on Thursday the 2nd that took me down and through old stomping grounds like the Atrium on Bay,  the Eaton’s Centre, then to Cumberland Terrace, under Holt-Renfrew, and into the Manulife Centre, around the Yonge-Dundas and Bay-Bloor areas respectively. Lots of change - Eaton’s has transitioned almost entirely to big-name stores it looked like, instead of the mix of big name and more unique shopfronts that they used to have. Way too crowded, loud and echoey. Almost nothing left that I recognized as being in the same locations as before, though I was delighted to see the toy store near the bottom of the southern escalators was apparently one of the survivors (assuming it’s not an entirely different toy store in the same location).

Only things on my shopping list I successfully located and bought where at Kitchen Stuff Plus on Yonge just north of Bloor, where I got a pair of cotton-lined silicon oven mitts (my sister has some and they are so much better for gripping things than the thicker 100% silicon claw gloves we’re still using at home) and a microplane grater (because I’m tired of trying to, say, grate fresh ginger or zest a citrus fruit with a box grater). Also went into many many handbag and luggage stores in quest of a new bag to replace my aging Swiss Gear sling bag, and didn’t find anything that was a) within my budget, b) had a good range of pockets that my tablet would fit in well, and c) had a long enough cross-body strap (the curse of being both tall and large - all those lovely bags whose straps are so short you end up weeping in frustrated envy). Though I was very tempted by a Hedgren cross-body bag I saw at a concourse level  store just to the east of the entrance to Yonge-Bloor subway station. About twice my ideal budget and with plastic fittings instead of metal, but a brand I trust from past purchases and with a really nice layout.

Cumberland Terrace is once again undergoing renovations (is it ever not?) so the bottom level in particular was almost entirely empty. I was amused to see that Marquis Jewelers on the ground level was still there - though, sadly, having a going-out-of-business sale.

The Manulife Centre has been renovated to the point I barely recognized it (also, all that white marble? Horrible design choice - very cold looking and echoey). Since I’ve been having vision problems over the last half year plus, and my old optometrist's office was right there I popped in to see if he could fit me in for an appointment, and lucked into an appointment for the very next Monday.

Which was, of course, my very next outing. Bad news - I’m developing cataracts. Good news - it’s cataracts, which are extremely treatable, and not anything more worrisome (based on my initial description of the symptoms I’d been having, he was at first worried it might be a detached retina, while my main worry, given I’m, Type 2 diabetic, was it might be macular degeneration). I actually had my fingers crossed for cataracts (my Dad had them in his 50s, and as already mentioned, they’re extremely treatable) so I was therefor extremely relieved by the diagnosis. So now I have an appointment with an ophthalmologist later this year, which I’ll have to return to Toronto for (could have gone for them trying to get me in with someone up north, but given the patient-specialist ratios I figured Toronto was likely to be a speedier choice).

Which led to me going on another outing today, to see just where the office of the ophthalmologist is for when I’m back down for the appointment. Spitting distance (almost literally, at least with a tail wind) of a subway station in my old neighborhood, so then I look a walk along Bloor over to Bathurst just to see what was still the same and what was changed. Nice to see places like Noah’s Natural Foods and the Pizza Pizza just over from it still there, and smaller places like By The Way Cafe too. Sad to see that Dooney’s and Honest Ed’s are both gone (the latter now being a big hole in the ground with multiple construction cranes sticking up). I couldn’t tell if Book City is still there or not - the location appeared to still be a book shop of some kind, but the old black & yellow signage was gone and with my current crappy vision I couldn’t read the neon tube signage in the windows beyond something about buying books and music and something else.

Very happily popped into Cobb Bakery for a couple of their berry-and-custard danishes (raspberry for my sister, cranberry for me). I was disappointed to see the place I used to get really good fish & chips (if I’m remembering storefront shapes correctly) is now a Poutinerie, Which, tempting, but I would spork a man for a good fish & chips after so many years without any. All the places I used to frequent for it are, sadly, long gone - no more Penrose or Cas.

One nice thing - I finally found a new handbag! Was thinking of going back for that Hedgren bag I’d been tempted by, but decided I should probably poke around at a few more places before purchasing. Got off at Eglinton Station on the way south, didn’t even leave the station - there’s a tiny luggage & handbag store tucked in beside a woman’s wear store at the south end, just up from track level. Wandered in, very first bag I looked at had an excellent layout of pockets and was well within my budget ($24 CAN before taxes). Brand I’ve never encountered before - Baby Fish. Long enough strap, metal fittings, fabric some kind of canvas that will hopefully be reasonably durable, and I could pretty much right off tell what pockets i wanted to use to sort what things into (always a good sign). So I happily snapped it up and transferred all my things over from the sling bag while I was riding the rest of the way down to switchr to the Bloor line. When I was wandering along Bloor later, I also stopped in at Inti Crafts (a store I used to love browsing & shopping at, and still own numerous things from, including the cotton scarf I was wearing today) and picked up a couple little zippered purses to further organize things in the new bag.

Probably squeeze in one more shopping trip before I head back north in a week or so, I figure I can probably restock things like some of my favourite teas for less down here than up north (not to mention find varieties here that I just can’t find there).

[herriblog]

Post Op Day 1, I was still doped on IV Morphine. In and out of consciousness. Whoever again came to visit me, I remembered but I barely could respond. I was still disturbed over my left arm numbness. But it was half arm numbness. Thank god! I almost thought that I had a stroke. I was freaking out but still I calmed myself down. My husband and my sil (sister in law) told me to wean down the IV Morphine but I didn’t want. I didn’t want to feel the pain. I couldn’t move side to side without feeling pain.

Things I had in me was, Redivac drain x 1, Urinary catheter, IV drips with antibiotics with painkillers and anti emetics meds.

But one thing was for sure. I didn’t feel the radiating pain over my leg anymore. No more numbness over the legs anymore. It was good. But the pain over the back was horrid score was ranging from 5-8 especially during movement. I couldn’t bear with it. Still on Morphine. Dr D.  was asking if I would want to ambulate but I said I didn’t want because of the pain. And he said it’s okay. No worries. Tomorrow, we get physio in. I said ok. He then explained then the previous surgeon empitied the disc space but he didn’t clear the disc that was protruding on the nerve root, that’s why it was causing so much pain. I was like the fark! You got to be kidding me. He took 20K and if he didn’t complete. I considered suing but Ahhh...wat the heck. Dr D. also said that he lengthen my spine already. Something that everyone would be happy but I couldn’t be bother. My pain was the one I wanted to be rid of. And the most important thing was no numbness over my right leg and no more radiating leg pain.

I was still disturbed by my half hand numbness. But I still thought  about it...nevermind...maybe I tidur during operation...maybe salah urat ker. I kept on massaging it. Opening and closing it on and off. Working out. Come on...please don’t jadi rabak... Nanti macam nak kerja balik. I was on Morphine 0.2-0.4mg/h. And trust me Morphine with that dose can really affect you alot. 0.5mg/hour made me eat and sleep...I literally snored. 0.2mg/hour was a baby dose. It didn’t hit me. I started the pain. I requested the painkiller to  up-ed it back to 0.4mg/hr. My sis in law went back to get her clothes etc. Baby stayed with me. My bestie of 20yr visited me, but I was too doped to entertain. She talked to baby for a while. Whenever I woke up, all I did was to open and close my hands to start working the muscle. That was the most disturbing thing in my mind. Boy was asking me to raise my leg up at least 6cm away from my bed. I did and he asked me how was the numbness. And I said I don’t feel it. But I still was flustered. But baby, I still feel my left hand numbness. How? How am I going to carry and lift the walking frame? How? There were so many hows? How did he expect physio to see me on POD 1. It seemed to far to be true. But ended up, I kinda agreed at 3pm to see the Physiotherapy. But it was too late. So I just said ok. I felt guilty for not agreeing to Physiotherapist.

I met with the night staff. I apologized to them for being such an asshole on the night before. I literally wanted to get out of bed. I wanted to do my own thing. I wanted to be like I was Endoscopic Disckectomy but they didnt allow. ‘They said the doctor didn’t approve. I said I cant find any position to get to rest. I literally slept and woke up every hour. I was sick and tired of being in bed. I turned as much I could but I couldn’t. I suggested for them to put in a drawsheet. It was or usually is placed behind a patient, in between their lower back and their buttock to mid thigh, so that it is easier for them to pull me up. And she did, it worked. I felt better and slept a little easier. But still I wasn’t happy with my numbness. But positive feeling. Half of my arm felt better.

Day 2 POD, I agreed for Physio. The same local nurse looked after me. She was dark skinned, with brownish curls tied up with the same vibe as me. She gave me a personalised feeling And I was still on the IV Morphine and I asked if she could position me propped up less than 90degree to let my body get use to it (one of the nurse was telling me that on my POD 1), and she did. And i complimented her and said some of your nurses didn’t know how to position me the way you did. And it was the best. Thank you for it. And she smiled. I didn’t give her a tough time.

Honestly as a patient, you just need to be told a few hard facts and someone who is firm and yet explaining thing to you that you need to do it this way, otherwise it isn’t going to work.

She gave me my medications and said we are going to remove the Urinary Catheter. Oh shit...I forgot to tell you, Urinary Catheter feeling. When your patient’s tell you that sometimes they feel distended there, it might be true. I felt it like that over the night and I called my friend and she adjusted, the tubing was soft, so it was kinked so the urine was retaining inside my bladder. I was like oh my god. So when she said that she need to remove it ...I was stressed...Oh fuck, I haven’t ambulated. I haven’t pooped for the past 3 days. How am I gonna pee. Oh fuck it la. Just remove it la. Get over and done with it. I got to start somewhere. They removed it and I was still on morphine and small petite Filipina nurse and a big sized Indian lady assisted me to sit up on a dinning chair. And I was telling the small sized Filipina nurse, “are you could handle me? I’m big sized, eh?” and she smiled and said I can. I got positioned on the dinning chair with IV Morphine, they made my bed and all i felt was so sleepy after. So I kept on dozing off on the chair. And I tried my level best to sit for at least 30mins

And I realised that it was 45mins,I called the nurse and said I need to pee. She was this chinese nurse who had uttered nothing but encouraging words. She seemed me local nurse. She assisted me to the toilet and she gave me my space. And it felt good to pee. So I went back to the bed and slept off. The physio came in but I was asleep. So she came back again. The thing about private is, the private treatment that I got which I liked and disliked. I wanted them to wake me up and force me to do physiotherapy and not just lie and sleep away.

So the physio came. She was a chinese short haired lady with spectacles  wore a dark blue polo tee shirt. She got the nurse to disconnect the IV Morphine. And taught me on the log and roll Lumbar corset and  we started to walk. OMG!!!! I walked hand held with her, But I almost swayed. She gripped on me harder and I apologised and said,” It might be morphine still.”She laughed and said its fine. Do you want to brush your teeth or do anything? I was like brush my teeth. I haven’t done that for two full days. And She told me to use a cup to brush my teeth cus I can’t bend. And then we walked outside till about 100-150m. She told me to remember to stand straight. Videos of me walking were going around in my family grps. Hahaha. Standard la. So I kept on ensuring that I need to start moving around. So I didn’t use Morphine from 12pm. And my bestie came with her husband and they talked. But I couldn’t concentrate. I kept on dozing off cus I was probably tired after the walk and the morphine. I apologized and they left and promised to come back again in the later dates. I felt happy. He he. I slept off on the bed. And I didn’t take the Morphine. It was still on the syringe pump.

I spoke to my parents about my day on and off. My mom in law was crying when she saw me walking. It felt good but bad. She cried to see me moving around. Awww. Baby came over to visit me, he brought my mom with him. and we spent a good share of time together. I was getting restless. I wanted to do more. I want to walk more. So we walked. I missed how he smelt. How he was.

I knew my aunt’s were coming. My eldest aunt came over to visit me yesterday but I was so sleepy that I didn’t talk much. The youngest came on my 2nd POD with my dad. I was fresh, I wanted to show them that I was better. But they didn’t come, so I just went in and out of toilet. My mom was glad that I was better. But once my dad came, I kept on moving up and down the bed with the corset. I never removed it. I kept on finding cool spot to sit as it was hot. I was restless and they all said it was cause they gave you so many painkillers, that’s why, n now when you are off them you feel weird. Oh yea, I was off the IV Morphine, the pain was there especially when walking. Pain was 3 at least. But it increased to 4/5 over at the back cus the morphine was wearing off. I got a malay nurse  to remove my IV cannula as it was red and swollen after my IV antibiotics.

I forced fed popiah as I didn’t eat the dinner as it was fish congee, just ate the congee but seriously I just didn’t feel like eating the rest. So my aunty forced me to eat at least 3 popiah pieces and I had my milo and Apple juice. And it was almost 7pm, and my sister in law, M realised that my lower part of my top was soaked, like it was drying up. And she got me to remove my corset and saw that the dressing had gotten soaked. So I got my ex colleague ( worked with her in private hospital), she was a filipina who had reddish brown hair and had permed her hair curly, and had braces on. She always wore a smile whenever attending to anyone. So she said she will change the dressing. She changed the dressing. And everyone left, Mom, dad, phua (aunty) and M left. Cus M had to get a whole new set of clothes and get her jacket. She was already falling sick, she had fever on day 1 of my POD. And honestly, she deserves one blog on its own. I spoke to Baby, And I tried to blog. Thank god, My laptop was there... We spoke at how things were looking good for me. I was happy. I didn’t feel the numbess on my leg nor my left hand. wait there was a little numbness over my left hand. But I was happy to start regaining my normality of my life. I just kept on walking and baby was pushing me why don’t you try to walk unaided without me. Like by holding furniture. I did. And I could. I was even more motivated to get back to how I was

I had gotten depressed over the past few weeks. I didn’t have a life. I felt like it’s best to end my life when my quality of life just sucked. I googled and checked emedicine.net on sciatica pain. People actually still lived with the pain. How could I? I couldn’t. I loved working. I loved every single thing about my job. I wanted my independence. I needed that. And this surgery fixed it. I’m lucky to have seeked a second opinion from the Dr D.

And Girl, whoever wants to go for surgery, please google post operative care plans. Honestly, I can be a sister, a staff nurse or a enrolled nurse when it comes to my treatment plan, I am  a fool. I wouldn’t know what to search or google about. I barely spoke to anyone. Maybe cus I didn’t want to feel like as though I was stupid or making the wrong decisions. But whatever it is, ask if not sure. But we learn from our mistake.

Why am I doing this experience/blog/ediary thingy? It’s for future people’s reference. This things varies from people to people. But whatever it is, at least people get to read it. And whatever it is, always remember to use the proper body mechanics when lifting patient’s or weights. Don’t jeopardize yourself for others or for your body image. Love yourself. No one, I have to repeat myself. No one even my worse enemies should experience this kinda of pain. And now the road to recovery may take 6-12wks. It totally depends on my body.