#also as i work my way back through my lifetime as an emotionally immature person im unearthing new pieces

[some-sort-of-ecologist]

genuinely trying to improve as a person by being vulnerable with people and actively trying to make connections and plans and build friendships and i s2g the vulnerability makes me want to vomit every single time

[mystic-kitten-writer]

Limerence [M] ︳32

Pairing: Zuko x OC

Genre: Romance, mainly fluff with future smut, and if you squint hard enough - you’ll find some angst.

Rating: SFW

Words: 14300+

Notes: It’s here! Get ready for the flood of emotions, sorry not sorry. But it's also crazy to see how far the story has gotten now. Did you know that I passed my one-year anniversary for this story (silently cries by myself in the corner). I'm so emotionally attached to this story it's stupid. But I hope you enjoy the story, and thank you for the awesome love and support!

Please stay healthy and safe, take care~!

Masterlist ︳Bonus pt. 2 [M] ︳ 33

❤ Buy me a coffee? ❤

Limerence: (English/n.) the state of being infatuated with another person.

The moment their eyes locked they knew - the flames within him twisted while the water within her turned. It was a connection, a connection that would lead to love, adventure, and drama.

Tacenda

(Latin/n.) Things better left unsaid; not to be mentioned to the public.

~ Ying Yue Jiang ~

            “You know…you have beautiful eyes, Princess.”

            “Awe, thanks, Sokka.”

            “Too bad your face is ugly.”

            “I swear-”

            The immature hoots that erupted from Sokka were loud and clear. His belly rumbled in amusement, entertained at my exasperated expression as I rested over his stomach.

            We were lounging in Zuko’s and I bedroom, munching on cookies on our bed, despite it being early in the morning. Zuko already rose and went for a morning jog – and I would be lying if I said I didn’t use the excuse of me being under the weather to avoid that run.

            It was as Zuko was leaving that Sokka busted through the grand doors, still in his polar bear pyjamas, with a plate of cookies in hand – “I wanted to check up on Princess, see how she’s feeling.”

            And that leads us to where we were now.

            I grumbled under my breath, stuffing another fresh-baked chocolate-chip cookie into my mouth as Sokka beamed down at me. Despite the pointless banter and teasing, Sokka and I were venting to each other; I was beyond happy. I never realized how much I missed spending time with him – he was my partner in crime, the person who helped me learn to laugh again.

            And while Sokka has been by my side from the beginning – we never got a chance to hang out as much as I would’ve wanted. Appreciate the presence of each other, even though ‘sibling time’ means tons of teasing and humiliation.

            A hand rested behind his head as he leaned against the bedframe, stuffing another cookie in his mouth. His hair has grown so much already.

            Usually, it was up in a messy top knot, but today, he let his hair down. Zuko still had the lengthiest hair out of the guys, but Sokka was starting to prove himself to be a worthy competitor. I was always jealous of how attractive Katara’s and Sokka’s brown hair was. There were natural blond highlights, and it complimented their baby blue eyes.

            “Hey…did Aang bring Momo?” I pondered out loud; brows pinched as I tried to recall the last time I saw that mischievous creature. He was already so infuriatingly elusive, but now that we were in the Kingdom, it was like he vanished.

            “Yeah, but you know how Momo is…” Sokka mumbled under his breath, more focused on chewing the cookie stuffed in his mouth than answering my question.

            “I haven’t seen him once!” I exclaimed, and Sokka snorted, “Join the club. I asked Aang the other day, told me Momo is hiding out in the kitchen.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes hearing that – of course, Momo is there. Appa would’ve joined Momo if he were here and could fit.

            “Explains why the kitchen staff is panicking. They keep complaining that the food keeps disappearing – scared it could be a ghost.”

            “You know what would be really funny…” Sokka considered, and based off the tone alone – I knew he was thinking of something evil. My mouth opened and closed, fighting the temptation to ask because I knew better. There was a reason why Sokka and I got along; we were the definition of dumb and dumber.

            My lips puckered, and the next thing I knew, I turned on my side, facing Sokka eagerly –“What’s your plan?” Sokka grinned, sitting upright. I yelped, body rolling onto his lap, and in a bold move – he put down the plate of sweets on the bed. He means business.

            “What if we covered Momo in flour – make him look like a ghost? The kitchen staff would lose their minds.”

            “Sokka~! I can already imagine the mess.”

            “And I can already imagine the looks on their faces when they see a ghost.” I huffed, crossing my arms. “No, Zuko will kill me if he finds out it was us.”

            “Keyword, if.”

            “Where is Katara when you need her?!” I groaned to myself. If Katara were here, she would’ve shut down this plan before Sokka could even think of it. She was the mother of the group for a reason – she kept us all in check.

            I grabbed a cookie from the plate that Sokka set aside, shoving it against Sokka’s lips. “Lie back down and eat a cookie.” I pestered, the only way I knew how to distract him. Sokka laughed against the cookie I practically stuffed, trying to chew the whole thing in one go.

            “Aren’t you excited? She’s arriving tonight.” He mumbled between chomps. An enormous smile appeared on my lips, brushing my bedhead hair away from my face. “I can’t wait!” I gushed, body sprawling across the bed as I hugged my teddy bear close to my chest.

            My gaze shifted upwards, staring at the wooden lined ceiling above us, with a silly look. It’s been how long since I’ve last seen Katara? It felt like forever, but I knew it was only a few months. Woah…me and Zuko haven’t been dating for that long, have we?

            It felt like Zuko, and I have been together for years – but not in a bad way. I just felt so comfortable with him. Our routines, how open we are with each other, it was surprising to think that we haven’t been together for that long. But also look at everything that happened, everything we have gone through together…

            It’s no surprise we’re as close as we are. We practically went through everything a couple may experience over their lifetime in a span of a few months. Add in the fact that he’s the ruler of a nation – things get a bit complicated.

            “She’s going to freak out when she hears everything that is going on.

            I pouted, snapping my head towards Sokka, “She doesn’t know?” Sokka grimaced, his silliness gone and face stern, “No. We didn’t want to give too much information via messenger bird or attached to Appa. It could get intercepted. It’s not worth the risk.”

            A blue silence fell between us; my gaze returned to the ceiling, lost in my thoughts. Despite all the smiles, the giggles, the sweet moments of bliss – that didn’t change the current chaos around us. Mai is a traitor, Azula is back, and Yakone-

            It was like someone punched me.

            The mere mention of Yakone had a shiver running up my spine, the hairs on my arms rising in terror. Zuko didn’t mention his name once around me, and I wonder if it was because he knew how shaken up I was after the incident. The worst part of it all was I still had the handkerchief Yakone gave me that night when he comforted me, hidden away in my vanity. Gosh, I should’ve thrown it out, burnt it –anything, but keeping it.

            I didn’t know why I even kept the stupid thing. Maybe it was to remind me that Yakone wasn’t that evil as a man? That there was still a little bit of good left in him. Yakone knew my family’s crane story.

            Dumb luck?

            He’s also a Bloodbender.

            But Aang told me that-

            “Princess…how is your ‘Fire Nation Politics’ lessons going?” Sokka asked, his voice cutting my thoughts in half. I couldn’t help but jump slightly in surprise, and Sokka’s hand fell over my forehead, a soothing gesture spotting my uneasiness.

            “Hmm? S-sorry, I didn’t hear properly.” I mumbled quickly, looking up at Sokka. He rolled his eyes at my aloofness, flicking my head before speaking again, “You’re lessons involving politics. Zuko told me you’ve been learning a few things.”

            I groaned loudly.

            Gosh, bloody Fire Nation politics.

            The moment I accepted that stupid Imperial Consort seal, I’ve had to brush up on my Fire Nation knowledge. From previous Fire Lords, customs, family trees, and laws – I wanted to cry. It wasn’t that it wasn’t interesting, it was just so much information thrown at me at once.

            My hands fell over my face as I internally sobbed.

            “It’s so difficult. I understand the basics, but the system here seems so backwards at times.” I whined into my hands, venting all the annoyance I had bottled up. There were so many things going on; at this point, I felt like I was memorizing words rather than understanding.

            But knowing the rules did help out and gave me the chance to fire that meanie of a councilmember…Maybe I did understand more than I was giving myself credit for. But with everything else going on at the moment, my head hurt tons.

            “Why don’t you ask Zuko to help you out, Princess? He is kind of like, the Fire Lord.” My hands dropped from my face, opting to throw my arms into the air in defeat. “I don’t want to bother Zuko. He has so much on his plate. I want to do this on my own.”

            “But Princess, this is his job. He’ll help if you ask– he wants to help.”

            I huffed to myself, biting my lips in frustration, “I know, but...I-uhh-I don’t know. I don’t want to. Have you seen the book I had to read for this week?”

            Sokka shook his head, and I grumbled to myself, “On my nightstand. See that ridiculously thick book? Yeah, try reading a page and not fall asleep.” Sokka laughed at the evident disgust in my voice, grinning madly as he reached to his side. Just thinking about the book had me shivering in fear.

            But I was trying.

            Watching the way Zuko worked on a daily, it made me want to work just as hard. I wanted the prove everyone wrong – that I wasn’t some arm candy for Zuko. That I knew what I was doing… Sometimes, it felt like Zuko was the only one who believed in me in this kingdom. I won the people’s hearts – now I had to prove to the council that I can do this.

            I closed my eyes, letting my arm rest over my eyes, the migraine that I’ve had still dully throbbing.

            It was strange, for the past five or so days, I kept fluctuating from feeling better to isolating myself in bed. My body was hurting; my head felt like a hot mix of heavy and aching. Was having a cold always this annoying? I usually had Katara heal me; I haven’t experienced a full-blown illness in years.

            “I’m gonna read where you have your bookmark,” Sokka spoke, and I merely nodded.

            Although…I don’t remember leaving a bookmark in my book…I didn’t make it far enough to bother putting one. I could hear Sokka snort as if he was trying to sniffle in a laugh-

            “Yesterday, Zuko used the lounging area after our bath, and I couldn’t be happier! He looked sooooo cute sitting there, reading. He almost fell asleep-”

            “OH MY GOSH SOKKA STOP!” I screamed. This asshole was reading my bloody journal!

            Sokka jumped out of bed, the fastest I’ve ever seen him move. I don’t even think he’s moved this fast or much during his times in battles. His bare feet hit the ground with a loud thud, laughing obnoxiously loud as he watched my expression of pure humiliation.

            My eyes were bulging, cheeks a flaming hot red as I jumped in the bed, frantically trying to grab the notebook from his grasp.

            “I love how when Zuko thinks he pouts like a child and-”

            “Sokka STOP – give it back!” I moaned loudly, embarrassment about to eat me alive and be my cause of death. But my cries fell upon deaf ears, Sokka smiling like the cat that got the cream and sliding away from me. I huffed stridently, flying off the bed and flailing my arms stupidly.

            Toph and I were the same height, which meant that everyone was outlandishly taller than us by two heads, minimum. I hopped up and down, trying my hardest to get Sokka to shut up – oh my gosh, I’m going to strangle him. But he just rose his arms high above him, reading the damn diary loud and proud. Please don’t read more, or else he’s going to-

            “It’s crazy to think that it’s those same pouty lips that left these hickies- OH NO. I’m GOING TO KILL HIM!” Sokka raged, his face matching my red face.

            I lunged forward, digging my shoulder into Sokka’s stomach.

            Both of us went tumbling down on the floor, sounding like thunder during a rainstorm. One would have thought we were doing some training exercise at the amount of effort and roughhousing we were currently engaging in. Who needs a morning run when you have a dumbass older brother reading your diary?

            “Give it back to me!”

            “NEVER. I swear, what else has that asshole done? I’m bringing you back home after we figure this stuff out!”

            “OH shut up, Sokka. I’m staying here!”

            “No, you aren’t! HOLY SHIT – you guys did WHAT in his office!?”

            “Sokka, stop reading!” I shrieked, trying to rip the damn book from his hands. I was puffing brashly, Sokka swinging his arms above him, despite me sitting on his chest, trying to catch his hands.

            “No! I do work on that damn desk sometimes. I’ve drunken TEA on top of there!” Oh, screw this, “I swear Sokka, I’ll choke you out if you don’t give me my diary!”

            “You wouldn’t dare.” He hissed under his breath; blue eyes narrowed – the glare of a warrior. I shot back the same look he gave me – I could be just as scary as him if I tried really-really hard. Sorry, Suki – find yourself a new man-

            “Should I even ask?”

            Sokka and I froze, heads snapping upwards, hearing the gruff voice echoing above us.

            Zuko stood at the end of the bed, his arms across his broad chest, as he watched us with a mixture of confusion and amusement. His face was rosy from running, a few beads of sweat running down his temple and neck. I could see the way his chest rose with every breath, still winded from his workout.

            My cheeks flushed at the sight of Zuko’s sweaty body, and at how silly Sokka and I looked. But Sokka seemed just as startled as me. Taking advantage of the opportunity, I snatched the notebook away from his hands, “HA~!”

            Sokka’s eyes widen, stunned at how fast I stole the book, sticking my tongue at him.

            It was like Zuko never entered the room.

            Sokka and I bickered back and forth like toddlers unable to share a damn toy. Our faces were pink, not taking the time to breathe between words, let alone sentences.

            “For fucks sakes, it’s way too early in the morning to deal with this,” Zuko grumbled under his breath, and I turned my gaze back to my handsome man.

            He strolled over to the closet, patting down his face with the towel dangling over his shoulders. I fought the urge to drool over the sight – let’s not check out Zuko with Sokka in the room. Just as fast as Zuko entered the closet, he walked out, grabbing a set of clothing– those are some extravagant clothing he picked.

            Every piece of clothing Zuko owned was stunning, made of the most delicate fabrics. But as he threw a new outfit onto the bed indolently, I saw the golden shimmers that illuminated under the morning sun and the beautifully sewed dragons.

            Sokka opened his mouth to argue, and I just slapped his head with my notebook, muffling his cries. “Zuko, why are you dressing up? Is there a meeting?” I asked, raising my voice so Zuko could hear me over Sokka’s squeals. He perked up, shooting me a look of disbelief.

            “Wow, won’t you look at that. Now my Imperial Consort acknowledges my existence.” He sarcastically spoke. I rolled my eyes at Zuko, bouncing off Sokka’s chest. Ignoring Sokka and his angry rant, I skipped towards Zuko, “You know I love you, Zuko~.”

            “Mhmm – it seems you love me the most during the night when you need a heater.”

            “…I’m not going to deny that.” I giggled, and right away, Zuko shot me a glare. A harmless glare, because I saw the grin that fought to emerge.

            “I advise you, and Sokka, change soon. I don’t think you want to be dressed in your nightclothes when she arrives.”

            Huh? She?

            “You’re talking about Katara? Isn’t she arriving tonight-” Sokka budded in, and I noticed he had the plate of leftover cookies in hand, chewing away. Zuko nodded his head, his amber eyes settling over me, “I got word they’re at Ember Island at the moment, taking a little break. They should arrive in the next hour or two.”

            My face flushed, clapping excitedly.

            “She’s almost here!” I gushed, turning on my heel to face Sokka. For the moment, the fact that he was reading my diary, and was about to kill Zuko was lost to the wind – both us animated at the thought of seeing Katara again.

            “Sokka, get out so I can change! I need to take a bath.”

            “I know you do, you stink.”

            “I swear Sokka-” I hissed under my breath, and just as quick as Sokka was to tease, he stepped forward, his playful grin shifting to a tender smile. His fingers brushed through the tangled strands of hair that fell over my face, combing them out of the way. My body relaxed and a lax smile of my own emerging at the gentle gesture.

            “I’m glad you’re feeling better, Princess.” He whispered under his breath, and I couldn’t help but let out a soft laugh. “Thanks for checking up on me, and the cookies…I missed you…even if you annoy me.”

            Sokka grinned, flicking my forehead, “I’m always here, Princess...and…I’m taking the cookies with me.” He turned on his heel, shouting his goodbyes to Zuko before I could fight for my right to indulge in those tempting sweets. The pace at which he bee-lined for the exit, the door shutting behind him in one fluid motion, was unmatchable – leaving Zuko and me alone.

            My shoulders dropped, a content sigh escaping me – I’m happy.

            “Love?”

            My eyes widen, turning to see Zuko with those enticing eyes. He titled his head to the side, nudging towards the bathroom. An innocent giggle escaped me, already knowing what my dear Zuko was asking.

            “Give me a minute to grab some clothes-”

            “Already picked a dress for you.” I couldn’t hide my surprised expression even if I tried. “You did? I didn’t see you grab anything-”

            “I will after our bath. Although naked sounds like a tempting option, I must say.” Zuko sheepishly spoke, laughing under his breath as he waltzed towards me. His arms wrapped around my waist, gazing down at me with a broad smile. My hands fell over his chest, feeling his pulse under my touch.

            “Sokka says I stink…clearly; he didn’t smell you.” I teased, and Zuko leaned in, playfully biting my nose. His teeth grazed my skin, and I giggled at his childish behaviour. It will repeatedly take me off guard how utterly spiritedly Zuko could be – a trait that didn’t seem to pop up often, even with the others.

            “Mmm, stinky and stinky.” He muttered under his breath, “We make a good pair.”

            “Soon, we’ll be clean and clean.” I bantered back, enjoying the dimpled smile that shined brightly on Zuko’s face.

            “What were you and Sokka fighting about?” Zuko asked, his lips pecking my forehead, still holding me close to his body – making no move to head to the bathroom. I groaned to myself, letting my head plop onto his chest with a thud, recalling what had happened.

            “That bum read my diary! It was so embarrassing!” I blew.

            “You know…” Zuko spoke, and I heard the dip in his voice.

            My head snapped upwards, and I wasn’t astounded to see that shit-eating smirk flicker upon those sinful lips. The way my heart pounded, expression naïve hearing and seeing the way Zuko licked his lips mischievously, leaning too close for comfort.

            “I must say – my favourite part is when you write about how much you adore my voice.” Zuko mused, and at that moment – my cheeks turned a red that not even Zuko’s flames could match.

            My mouth dropped, babbling nonsense as I slapped Zuko’s chest hard – as if I could slap the awkwardness out of me. But Zuko didn’t seem the slightest bit flustered; instead, he looked down at me with a glowing grin. I can’t believe this asshole-

            “Does NO ONE understand the concept of PRIVACY!?” I squealed, puffing as I grumbled under my breath. “I can’t believe you read my diary! You’re just as annoying as Sokka!”

            “Who said I read your diary, love?” I frowned, staring at Zuko with confusion, “You-you just said that you knew-” Zuko grinned mischievously, the tips of his fingers tickling my jaw, shutting me up.

            “Oh, my sweet love. I didn’t read your diary. Just a lucky guess.”

            “You were bluffing-”

            “Nice to know what you think of my voice, although-” Zuko smirked, planting a deceitfully sweet kiss on my nose, “I can’t say that I am surprised.” I stood there, rattled, cheeks a flaming red - Zuko always seemed to know.

            That prideful smirk of his didn’t vanish, his delicate fingers leaving my face, arm no longer hugging me close. His welcomed warmth left my body, smugly stepping back, taking in my flustered appearance to the fullest.

            “Shall we get into our bath, love?” he spoke calmly, it was maddening.

            “I’m going to drown you,” I complained under my breath, watching the way Zuko confidently strolled towards the bathroom. But being the oh-so-famous man he was, Zuko shrugged off the threat with ease.

            His long fingers untied his loose bun, looking over his shoulder with a playful grin, “I can think of ten other things I would rather do in that tub than drown.”

            “Zuko~!”

            “And that’s exactly what I indeed to hear from those pretty lips of yours, baby.”

            “Everything is set for Katara’s arrival, Fire Lord Zuko.”

            “Including the extra guard?”

            “Yes, Fire Lord. They are at their post.”

            Zuko huffed under his breath, nodding at the servants' words, although I couldn’t help but notice how empty his tone sounded. My eyes shifted from the chaos before me, feeling the way Zuko was moving his arm, which I tightly hugged. The moment I tilted my head upwards, an amused smile painted my lips. What a manchild-

            The golden stings that decorated Zuko’s sleeves seemed to have unravelled.

            I watched as he puckered, failing miserably at tying the adornment with one hand. The fabric slipped from between his fingers, and it may have been the first time, I dare say, that Zuko was unelegant. For a man with such a soft touch and long delicate fingers – you would have thought he had tree stumps as digits at the way he wriggled.

            “Fire Lord Zuko – let me.” I hummed.

            I grasped his arm, tugging him closer to myself as I tied the flimsy strings together. No wonder he was struggling – it was silk. A small huff, and a tongue biting moment later – I quickly began tying.

            Our pace of walking slowed without me realizing, and I couldn’t help but smile pridefully at how adorable my little knot was. While cute was not synonymous with Zuko for the majority of the population – it was in my books. What was there not to label cute about Zuko?

            “Mmm, what would I do without my lovely Imperial Consort?” Zuko droned into my ear, a deep huskiness causing my cheeks to flush. I could hear the teasing tone with every word, but that didn’t change the touch of truth in his statement. The guards and servants around us giggled softly, overhearing the teasing banter, causing my cheeks to deepen in colour.

            I looked upwards, not expecting to see Zuko as close as he was. It reminded me of the events that happened just a few days ago, us laughing like children down the hallway, close and snuggled. That’s right, Izumi was the name we settled on…

            The way his eyes smiled at me, inspecting the way my touch left his sleeves, opting to embrace his arm close to my body. For a moment in time, I found myself speechless. Zuko looked handsome today, breathtaking. Was that unusual? Not at all – but Zuko made my skin tingle, butterflies fluttering, and breath gone.

            “You would be lost – that’s what you would be.” I chirped back, biting my lips with a tone to match his. The way Zuko’s eyes lit up, surprised that I decided to amuse him. His lips began to move, ready to spit out some witty retort, but the sound of a servant clearing his throat beat him to it.

            “Fire Lord Zuko, you have a lunch date planned today with your mother, in the gardens. I assume you wish to cancel?”

            A lunch date? How sweet! It’s been a while since Zuko and Ursa have spent some time together. But rather than lighting up the way Zuko usually does at the mere mention of Ursa, he pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation. I pouted, observing his evident annoyance, not seeming as content to hear of such a plan like me.

            “She’s going to kill me for canceling again- Yes, please cancel-” Zuko hissed under his breath. He can’t be serious-

            “Zuko.” I huffed, tugging on his arm without thinking. In a flash, everyone turned their attention to me – and I mentally slapped myself for doing such an act in public. But I pushed aside the regret, focusing on the matter at hand.

            “You aren’t really going to cancel your afternoon plans with Ursa, are you?” I whisper shouted, looking at Zuko with wide eyes. His lips puckered at my words, shooting me a look that screamed, ‘what else am I suppose to do?’

            I swear- this man really is lost without me at times.

            “We arrived here almost a week ago, and you’ve haven’t seen your family once. They’re worried.” I reasoned, and Zuko sighed, gazing around us in frustration. The guards got the hint. They awkwardly turned their looks away, walking briskly in front of us, giving us plenty of space to talk without anyone overhearing.

            “I know that Yue, but when Katara lands, we need to discuss-” Zuko hissed under his breath, lips pressed as he tried to hush his tone. “Zuko.” I pleaded, shaking my head, tightening my hold.

            The large doors that lead outside, where we landed with Appa, was coming into view. I spotted a dash of green running through the doors, most likely Suki. That means everyone is already there, waiting for Katara’s arrival.

            “I’ve been here for how long, and I only got to share one moment with you in those gardens. One walk – don’t do the same thing with your mom. She misses you.” I begged, and right away, Zuko’s stern look shifted to that of genuine regret. His cheeks flushed, stripping his gaze away from mine, his lips twisted to a frown.

            “You know how to make a man feel guilty,” Zuko grumbled under his breath as he strode forward, but I tugged on his arm harshly. He’s trying to run away from his feelings. We abruptly stopped dead in our tracks, turning on his heel to look down at me with narrowed eyes. Zuko wasn’t upset with me – he just sucks at expressing himself.

            Zuko was more of a family man than he let on. He would do anything for them, but it was like he was afraid to admit how much he cared. How much he thought about them and enjoyed their presence. I wasn’t a fool; I caught the sweet stares he sent to his mom or Uncle Iroh, enjoying their company, even if it was just for a few seconds.   

            “What I’m trying to say is this-” I muttered softly, upset that I caused that frown to rise. “We’ve survived this long without someone attacking us. I think the gang would understand and can wait a few more hours before our meeting. Katara is probably exhausted as well; she could use some rest…” I hummed.

            Out of the corner of my eyes, I could spot the servants studying us, curious as to why we halted. I let my hands rest over Zuko’s forearms, squeezing as I smiled up at him, “You’re a man of work, Zuko. And I love that, but don’t forget that you have a family too...”

            “I knew it was a bad idea to let Uncle Iroh and mom keep you company…they taught you their ways of getting to my mind.” Zuko mumbled under his breath, but I spotted that gentle smile of his starting to shine through – my sun.

            “When are you going to learn that I’m always the one in control?” I teased, and in a flash, Zuko gripped my hands tightly. My heart pounded loudly, blood pumping as I watched as Zuko brought my hands to his lips, placing sweet pecks all over my palms.

            “Mmm, I don’t deny such a truth, I pride myself in it.” he snickered, before stealing one last caress. “Let’s go, baby. Based on the ruckus outside, and dirt flying everywhere, it seems like Katara has arrived.”

            “I’m so excited, Zuko. I missed her-”

            “Oh, I’m very much aware of how excited you are. All night you were squirming around in your sleep. It felt like I was cuddling a worm.” Zuko laughed, and I blushed. This tease- I pulled my grip away, playfully punching his chest, not at all caring that we were not in the private confines of our bedroom.

            “Watch yourself, love – you wouldn’t want to get arrested now.” Zuko grinned, and I scoffed.

            “We both know that the guards love me more than you. So if you, Sir, don’t want to get put into cuffs, I advise you be careful.” I smugly retorted, and it was then and there I knew I was treading in dangerous waters.

            The large gap between us felt far too small, watching the way Zuko’s lips twisted to a naughty smirk that had my stomach in knots.

            He leaned forward, his lips grazing my jaw, his hot breath tickling the skin at the base of my neck. That alone had my breath hitching, and the incontrollable response had Zuko clicking his tongue in amusement. His alluring scent had my head spinning, knees on the verge of buckling at his mere presence. But it was Zuko’s damn voice that had me teetering on edge. Fuck him-

            “Mhmm, we both know that you would look delicious in a pair of cuffs, baby. And while I would never think of using such means, ‘cause you’re such a good girl, I’m not against the idea.”

            “Zuko-” I gulped, my hands bunching the fabric of my dress in my hands. I could feel my palms getting sweaty, realizing I’ve been holding my breath the whole time. And at the mere sound of my voice, Zuko let out a low groan in my ear, tilting his head back as he licked his lips. The way his eyes fluttered closed for a moment, rolling back – was it because of me?

            “There you go again, love. Saying my name in that needy tone of yours – it drives me mad.” He purred, and my eyes widened. Does no one see this, hear this? I anxiously shifted my gaze around us, scared that someone would see what was happening. I can’t continue breaking royal rules. I need just one day. One day where I go without breaking a damn rule.

            But my resolved cracked.

            The guards and servants were far more interested in watching the arrival of Appa through the windows, talking amongst themselves than what was going on between us. They have no clue; they’re completely oblivious-

            “Come on, baby, let me hear the sweet voice of yours again.” Zuko toyed, catching my attention. His lips brushed against my jaw once again, a hand falling on the dip of my back. I couldn’t help it – his lips are so close to mine, and no one is watching.

            One kiss. One kiss is all I want-

            “THANK THE FUCKING GODS I AIN’T THE ONLY ONE LATE.”

            If Zuko wasn’t holding on my waist the way he was now, I would’ve fallen on my face.

            We pushed off each other, the looks of two people who got caught painted on our faces. But just like that, Zuko collected himself. His touch left me, crossing his arms with a scowl on his face as he watched Sokka dash towards us in a mad sprint.

            Why is Sokka-

            Sokka’s thick brown hair reflected off the sunlight, droplets of water flying as he ran like a sprinkler. His hands were desperately working on the white buttons that decorated his navy blue top, flaunting his exposed torso to us. Are his shoes on the opposite feet?

            “Sokka? Why are you-” I whispered, but Zuko blew loudly, finishing off my train of thought. “A bloody mess? Come on, man, you’re leaving a fucking trail of water, and you aren’t even a Waterbender.” I stifled in a laugh because Zuko was totally right. There was a damn pond now in the kingdom, courtesy of Sokka.

            But Sokka grinned largely, not at all bothered by Zuko’s expression of disappointment. Aang and Sokka, I think the only two people who are immune to Zuko’s glares. Even I would cower away from such a stare.

            “I had to shower, and Suki had to shower too, and one thing led to another-”

            My cheeks flushed, and before I knew it, my hands fell over my ears, shutting my eyes and trying to push the mental image away. “Too much details Sokka!” I shouted, twisting on my heels, and Sokka let out a petty laugh.

            “HA. Oh yeah, cause that diary didn’t have too much information, Princess.” I frowned, hands falling on my hips as Sokka came to a halt beside us, closing the last button of his top. Oh, I swear, I’m going to kill Sokka-

            “You didn’t have to read my diary, dummy!” I shouted, and I could hear Zuko sigh beside us.“Why is my best friend, a fucking idiot?” Zuko mumbled, his arm snaking around my waist.

            “AWW MAN, I’m you’re best friend?” Sokka spoke, beaming like a child towards Zuko, and I found my jaw-dropping. Out of everything Zuko said, all he got was ‘friend’?

            “You’re an idiot,” Zuko spoke, a touch of genuine fear in his voice. I couldn’t help but snort, shaking my head as I brushed my hair behind my ears, looking forward. But it still doesn’t explain why Sokka is late.

            “We just saw Suki a few moments ago, Sokka,” I spoke, observing him. He had an elastic between his teeth, his hands frantically brushing his hair to a messy bun.

            “Yeah, well, as I said, we had to shower. I was just getting in, and she was just finishing.” Sokka mumbled between clenched teeth. With a free hand, he grabbed the hair tie, wrapping his hair in a somewhat presentable hair-do. “I still think I have shampoo in my hair…” Sokka grumbled under his breath.

            Who needs a damn child when you can have Sokka? I rolled my eyes, reaching forward as I watched the way Sokka struggled to put on the coat that he had swung over his shoulder. I’m surprised it didn’t fall off during his mad sprint towards us. I reached forward, fingers grazing the rough material, only for an animated shout to catch our attention.

            “Come on, slow-pokes! She’s here!”

            My eyes widen, looking in front of us. Suki’s head was popping through the grand doors. She was free of her Kyoshi warrior outfit, opting for a natural look. Her eyes matched the sweet smile of hers, her green dress flowing in the light breeze outside. Her brown hair bobbed back and forth as she eagerly bounced in her spot in excitement.

            “Some siblings you are – both of you guys are late.” She laughed before shutting the door behind her. Katara is here! In a flash, I gazed up to Zuko with doe eyes, ready to babble in anticipation, but I found myself stopping. The smile on Zuko’s face – it didn’t reach his eyes.

            I’m an idiot.

            “Come on; Katara’s going to give us a damn lecture if she doesn’t see us in the next ten seconds.” Sokka huffed, striding ahead of us. Zuko merely nodded, the arm wrapped around my waist thrusting me forward to match Sokka’s pace.

            Zuko didn’t utter a word; he just kept his gaze forward as we walked towards the doors. His lips were pressed tight despite the smile on his face. It was those fake smiles of his, I’ve seen them before whenever he was tired, or annoyed but had to show face in the name of politics.

            Zuko and Katara.

            I never did ask, but did they ever talk about what happened in the Southern Water Tribe? Things just happened so fast, and as reasonable as Zuko was, he was as stubborn as Katara could be petty.

            Did they make-up, did Katara apologize to Zuko? Zuko flat out admitted he wanted Katara to help heal me, but was it because he trusted her, or because he was desperate to see me better?

            The servants in front of us quickly opened the door for us, and for a split moment, I saw the slight scowl on Zuko’s face.

            Zuko…

            Awkward was a word I would have never used to describe Katara’s and my relationship.

            We were many things – but above all, we were sisters despite not sharing the same blood. It was funny; she was born in November, me in July, the same year, but she was more of a big sister to me than I was to her. She just had this motherly aura about her, even making Zuko seem like a child to us all.

            A silence fell over us as we stood side by side.

            My fingers twirled around each other as we walked along the hallway, me admiring the view of the gardens before us. It was a beautiful day, the sunlight shining, the flowers seemingly reaching their peak in beauty. I could only imagine the sweet scents the flowers were producing should we have been walking outside instead.

            Awkward.

            The others were busy working on their tasks, Aang with his new Nation, Sokka, Toph, and Suki regarding a battle plan. And Zuko- I smiled. I could see him and Ursa, sitting under the large cherry blossom tree that towered above all. The pink blossoms created a blanket-like cover for Zuko and Ursa to sit on, something straight out of a fairytale.

            Even from here, I could see the contentment on Ursa’s face as Zuko poured her some tea. But the same emotion was evident on his, and while I couldn’t prove it, I was certain that those heart-throbbing dimples of his were most likely present on his face.

            Katara carefully brushed a brown braid behind her ear, her fingers playing with the flimsy envelope in her arms. I figured she would’ve used the time Zuko is spending with his mother to rest, but instead, she said she wanted to spend some time with me. I was beyond delighted to hear her say that, but now that she was here-

            Awkward.

            Why were things so awkward between us right now?

            The sound of Zuko’s laughter caught my attention, a tinge of pink dusting my cheeks. His smile was wide as he shook his head in amusement, his mother nodding eagerly as she spoke. The way Zuko studied his mom, listening to her every word like it was gold. He loved his mother to the moon and back; there wasn’t a doubt about it.

            “You and Zuko…you two seem happy.” Katara hummed softly, the first one to speak in the awkward silence that somehow managed to fall between us. I froze, unable to move my feet as I sharply turned to stare at Katara.

            Her blue eyes were round and filled with admiration, a genuine smile on her face. “Suki was right; you do stare at him a lot.” My mouth dropped, cheeks flaring up as I found myself speechless. Katara’s smile soon turned to an almighty grin, laughing at the reaction she got out of me, “Has Sokka declared himself as the ‘almighty cockblock’ yet?”

            I snorted, “The first week.”

            “He’s so overprotective.”

            “Tell me about it, that dummy read my diary today!”

            “He did not.” Katara huffed, her cheeks matching my red ones once I told her the news. But as the words left her mouth, I noticed how close we had gotten. Both of our bodies were leaned towards each other, eagerly talking as if the awkward silence that was consuming us never happened.

            The awkwardness…

            “Yue…?”

            “Katara…”

            “I missed you.”

            At her final words, I found my arms quickly flying over her shoulders, a happy smile painting my face. “I missed you, too, Katara,” I whispered, not at all caring that I was wrinkling the important paper pressed against her chest. Katara let out a giggle as she snuggled her head into my neck, cuddling me back to the best of her abilities without dropping the letter.

            The awkwardness was not because of some ill feelings, but because we didn’t know where to start.

            I’ve never been away from Katara and Sokka before; it was usually them leaving me for work. But now…it was different. This wasn’t a matter or us leaving for a few weeks or months and coming back. I lived here now, forever, this was my new home.

            My new life with Zuko.

            “It’s been so long; I don’t even know where to start.” I gushed as we pulled away. Having her in my arms briefly, I noticed that not much had changed between us despite the time. The only reason difference is that while she wore blue, I wore red.

            But she’s still my exasperating sister.

            “Well, you can start with, you know.” Katara laughed, wiggling her eyebrows towards the window. I blushed, looking over my shoulder, and at that moment, Zuko’s eyes locked with mine.

            It didn’t matter that we were a distance away from each other. The fire that ignited in me the moment Zuko’s gaze settled over mine was undeniable. He shot me a devilish smile as he tilted his head cockily. The way his ember eyes studied me, it was like he was looking into my soul – leaving me gasping and knees shaky. And just like that, he turned back to his mom, resuming his conversation.

            Oh, this man, the definition of sin itself.

            “Where do I even start?” I breathed, hands falling over my chest to get my heartbeat under wraps. But despite the flustered state, Zuko seemed always to leave me in; I couldn’t pull my eyes away. Gosh, Yue. You’re literally creeping him through the damn window.

            Have you really stooped that low? Yes, yes, I have, and I have no regrets.

            The confidence that seemed to ooze from him without a single effort, how did Ursa manage to give birth to such a fine specimen like him? Those pouty lips, long fingers, his hot breath along my neck-

            “Yue, do you love Zuko?” Katara blurted, cutting my thoughts in half.

            I jumped in my spot, my whole body heating up in embarrassment. Not only did Katara just catch me gawking at Zuko within minutes of her arriving here, but she also didn’t know. Everything that has happened between us; the kisses, sweet confessions, she didn’t know a single thing.

            “The way you’re staring at Zuko, the way he looks at you…it’s just like Aang and me; it’s …love.”

            “I-”

            “Do you-do you love him, Yue?” Katara sternly spoke, stepping forward. Her hands fell over my shoulders, her fingers digging into my dress with a serious expression. I nervously bit my lip, trying to understand her sudden outburst, but the expression she wore was serious. I swallowed hard, nodding my head.

            “I love him, Katara. More than anything in the world.”

             “I can’t believe it…” She whispered under her breath.

            I pouted, tilting my head to try to comprehend her words. Was she…was she mad? But Katara just snickered, her shoulders slumping in ease as she shook her head. “Zuko didn’t need someone to break down his walls; he needed someone to help him rebuild.” She muttered to herself. What is she talking about-

            “I’m so happy, Yue; I’m so happy you found each other.” She exclaimed. “Dad has been worried sick about you; I can’t wait till I tell him how happy you are.”

            Hakoda-

            “How is dad, Katara?” I questioned, and Katara shot me a sad smile. It was something that ate away at me. I still remember the look on his face when I told him I was leaving with Zuko. He tried to play it off cool, saying how he was happy that I was leaving the nest, spreading my wings again. But I could still remember the small sniffle that I heard the moment I shut the door behind me to leave.

            “He’s good, but sad…he misses you. Keeps on saying how his daughters are being swept off their feet.” Katara spoke as I let my gaze wander back to the window. Ursa was standing tall, dusting off her dress with a happy smile that reached her eyes. But Zuko was nowhere in sight.

            “But, he has you at home, at least,” I replied.

            “About that…” I frowned at her tone, pulling my gaze away from the gardens and back to Katara. She let out a heavy sigh, shuffling back and forth between her feet. “Dad has been acting weird lately,”

            Dad was always weird; that was a fact, but for Katara to say it spoke plenty. He was a serious man, for the most part, but Sokka got his playfulness from someone. And it didn’t take long to learn from who it was.

            “Dad has been pushing at the thought of Aang and me finding a home for ourselves.”

            “He’s thinking about your future.” I tried to reason, but Katara shook her head. “That’s what I thought, but since you left, he’s been insistent. Keeps saying that I’m an adult now, that I have to think of the bigger picture. And…”

            “And?” I pushed, and I spotted the way Katara’s cheeks flushed.

            Katara was blushing.

            She hugged her body, eyes darting side to side before she finally found her voice. Katara and Aang have been together for years – it took a lot to make Katara blush. This is going to be good.

            “A few months ago, I saw Aang talking to Dad in his office. But whenever I bring it up, Aang says he wasn’t there – when I saw him. I even confronted Dad about it, but he denies everything.” I rose a brow, trying to piece together what Katara was telling me.

            Why Would Dad lie about that, better yet – Aang doesn’t lie. Aang is the definition of purity, never uttering a lie or harming a soul. For Aang to lie to Katara…

            “I think…I think Aang may propose to me, Yue.”

            “Oh my gosh, Katara-”

            “And I wanna say yes!” She blurted, her hands falling over her mouth at her honest confession. I couldn’t stop the squeals, jumping in my spot at the thought of Katara and Aang tying the knot. The first marriage in the gang!

            “Katara, I’m so HAPPY!” I chirped, clapping like a fool at the thought, and that just seemed to worsen Katara’s blush. “I love him, Yue. We won’t have kids for a few years, we agreed on that, we’re both too busy with our jobs. But we’ve always wanted to be married. But maybe I’m overthinking things?”

            “Overthinking? KATARA. He went to Dad, and now Dad is trying to find a house for you~! He’s going to propose!”

            “Have you heard anything funny from Sokka, or maybe Zuko? Maybe Zuko would know what Aang is thinking. Aang always says how Zuko is his best friend; he would know something, right?” Katara insisted, and I thought.

            She had a point.

            Just like how I spilled my guts to Suki or Kima, the guys would do the same with each other. But I never heard anything from Zuko…but he’s good at keeping secrets, Yue. I huffed, that’s right. Which means…if I want to find something I have to do a little bit of snooping.

            I grinned, “Leave it to me. Sokka doesn’t call me a curious cat for nothing!” Katara frowned, shaking her finger at me, “Don’t go doing anything stupid, Yue. I don’t want you to get in trouble with Zuko because of me.”

            I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms, “Zuko wouldn’t dare, I have him wrapped around my finger.”

            “I can’t believe it, Yue. You really tamed the untamable.” Katara spoke in amazement, shaking her head as she watched over me. I smiled proudly, shifting my attention back outside. Ursa was calmly sitting under the tree again, a book in her lap as her eyes scanned back and forth. Smart woman, enjoying the warmth to the fullest.

            But Zuko still wasn’t there. Where did he go? He was just there a moment ago-

            “Looking for someone, love?”

            I jumped, a pair of arms snaking their way around my body. The heat emitted from his touch had me purring, snuggling against the hard torso pressed against my back. Zuko nuzzled his face into my neck, his hands firmly planting themselves on my waist as he hummed pleasantly in my ear. “Mm, how is my baby?” he droned, his lips nibbling my skin before stopping abruptly.

            His body tensed, and I saw the way Katara’s eyes widen in surprise. Zuko pulled his face away from me, standing tall, fingers digging into my skin.

            “Katara.” He spoke bluntly, but I could feel the coldness in his tone. I’m right. He was upset with her still, and Katara seemed to notice it too. Katara’s lips pressed tight, taking a deep breath as she nodded her head, “Zuko.”

            Awkward – this was what real awkwardness feels like.

            The tension in the room was thick, Katara’s blue eyes locked with Zuko’s golden ones. “How was your lunch with Ursa, Zuko?” I blurted, trying to ease the tension, it was unbearable.

            “Great.” He hissed, and I stiffened. This is bad, really bad.

            Do something, Yue.

            Do something-

            “I forgot to give these papers to you earlier, Zuko. These are from the Earth Nation.” Katara spoke, and Zuko’s eyes narrowed.

            “How did you receive it?” He asked, and Katara cleared her throat before answering. “Ember Island. The Earth King sent this there, thinking you were still residing in your vacation home. But I was told it was urgent and they sent it with me. Faster with Appa. It’s to be opened as soon as possible.”

            Zuko merely nodded, not saying anything else. Zuko not speaking was scarier than him yelling. Katara outstretched her arm, Zuko meeting halfway as he touched the envelope. The flimsy document looked small in Zuko’s hands, but as his fingers curled, ready to take it, Katara's voice stopped him.

            “Actually, I thought Yue could take it to your study.”

            “Why? I can do it myself; we’re on our way there now-”

            “I-I want to talk, just us, for a minute, Zuko,” Katara exclaimed, and I noticed the way her voice wavered. Her eyes met mine, almost pleading with me to go along, and I nodded. Before Zuko would say anything else, I reached forward, taking the paper from their grasps. I looked upwards, shooting Zuko a sweet smile, “I’ll meet you at the study with the gang. Be quick!”

            I could hear Zuko click his tongue, and like water, I slipped from his grasp.

            Temptation ate away at me, swiftly gazing over my shoulder at the two, and they were exactly where I left them seconds ago. They stood across each other, a large frown on Zuko’s face as Katara took a deep breath. And as I turned the corner, I found myself stopping for a moment.

            “What do you want, Katara? We have stuff we need to discuss-” Zuko grumbled under his breath, undoubtedly pinching the bridge of his nose.

            I knew it was wrong.

            I knew I shouldn’t listen, eavesdrop. But it was like no matter how hard I tried; I couldn’t move. I wanted to know what Katara wanted to talk so desperately to Zuko about. I wanted to know what Katara wanted with Zuko. Was she going to ask Zuko about the marriage thing? But the words that flew from Katara’s mouth had me holding my breath.

            “I want to say I’m sorry.”  

            Silence.

            I bolted as fast as I could, a goofy smile on my face.

            Katara had guts.

            And while Katara was undoubtedly hard-headed like Zuko, the friendship between Zuko and her was far more important than her ego. Thank you Katara, Zuko really needed to hear that.     

            “What’s taking them so loooonnngggggg~.” Toph complained under her breath, lounging on the rug that covered the floor of Zuko’s office. Her hands were comfortably tucked behind her head; legs crossed over each other as she impatiently blew. Should she have been a Firebender, I was certain there would have been flickers of fire leaving her lips, much like Zuko.

            I giggled, shrugging my shoulders as I happily sat in Zuko’s grand chair. It was super comfy, might I add. The padding was making it feel like I was sitting on a cloud. No wonder Zuko didn’t mind doing paperwork, I would to if it meant sitting on a comfy chair like this.

            My curious eyes wandered about, scanning the array of documents that decorated his study. There were so many projects happening under Zuko’s care, notes filled with his scribbles containing details. But as interesting as everything was, I was more fascinated by the green document that I brought here.

            While it was light, the envelope was thick; the Earth Nation seal prettily stamped in the center with ivory coloured wax. A letter from the Earth King…I wonder what it is about? As if the emerald green hypnotized me, I found my mind wandering.

            I wonder how Kayto was?

             No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t wipe the image of the happy smile on his face as he walked away from me. The cherry blossoms falling around him in the sweet breeze, how clear his eyes seemed that day. Even his steps seemed lighter than air, practically hovering along the ground.

            It was like he was a changed man…but despite the delighted smile on his face, my heart swelled with sorrow. There was something about that moment that had my eyes teary, something that made my stomach rise to my throat.

            “I gotta say, Princess. You look good, sitting there. You look like a real Queen.” Sokka mused. I blushed at his words, pushing myself back in the chair. My gaze snapped forward, watching the way Sokka lounged in a chair that was placed in front of the desk we were currently huddled around.

            “You really do, for someone as cute as you – you can look pretty scary when you focus.” Suki giggled in Sokka’s lap. I whined under my breath, shyly combing my hair in front of my chest, twirling the strands around. Me ruling a whole Nation? I could feel my whole body shaking.

            The thought alone was beyond terrifying. How does Zuko do it? Thousands and thousands of people looking up to you for guidance. You’re the face of the Nation. The person people praise or curse. Overnight you can be the publics' favourite person, their beacon of hope, or their worst enemy.

            “Sorry we’re late.”

            Zuko busted through the door hastily, and I couldn’t help but smile. The tension in his shoulders was gone, his feet light as he beelined towards his study. He looked like a man on a mission – ready to get down to business. Katara coolly walked towards Aang, but even I could tell she seemed more at peace, her breathing calm.

            They’re okay; they talked it out.

            “FINALLY. Can we get this done and over with already?” Toph groused, sitting upright in a flash as she crossed her arms. Zuko rolled his eyes at Toph, merely walking where I sat. He placed a small peck on my forehead, earning a bashful smile from myself, before spotting the green document on his desk.

            “Where do we even start?” I pondered under my breath as I watched Zuko. He leaned against his study, a hand combing through my locks as if to soothe himself, as he swore under his breath. The letter from the Earth King was dense – he’s going to have a fun read.

            “Maybe with Kayto and the Earth King?” Suki proposed, but Toph gave her two cents. “Further. The waterfall. That’s where Yue first saw Azula and Yakone.”

            “Azula? Yakone?” Katara gasped, Aang nodding his head as he ran his hands up and down her, comforting. “You’re all wrong,” I announced before realizing what I had said. Right away, Zuko’s attention shifted to me, eyes narrowed as the grip he had on the paper tightened.

            “What do you mean that we’re wrong? You said you saw Azula at the waterfall.” Zuko spoke, a certain edge in his voice. I puffed, “You’re right, but that’s not the first time I saw her.”

            “You lied? Why would you lie about that-”

            I frowned at Zuko, realizing that he thought I was hiding information. “Yeah, Princess. Why would not tell Zuko you saw Azula?” Sokka butted, leaning forward, nearly pushing Suki off him. Her hands fell against the study, catching herself, shooting Sokka a glare.

            “Because I didn’t know it was her!” I puffed, throwing my arms up in the air frustratingly. As much as I was part of the gang now, they seemed to forget that I wasn’t friends with them as long as they have been. “I didn’t know it was her! You don’t think if I knew, I would’ve said something? She disguised herself as a maid. I didn’t know better.”

            “Did you not tell Yue about Azula, Zuko?” Aang asked gently, and I saw the flustered look on Zuko’s face. His gaze shifted back to the fancy writing of Earth King, grumbling under his breath. “N-no.”

            “It’s not Zuko’s fault; he doesn’t have to tell me about that.” I started, but Zuko slammed the paper on the desk. I was startled, not at all expecting the outburst of anger. His forehead was scrunched together, a scowl on his face as he stared the crimpled paper.

            “It is my fault; I should’ve been smarter; I let my guard down. I figured Azula was no longer an issue – stupid wishful thinking.” Zuko hissed under his breath.

            “Zuko…” I hummed softly. My hand fell over his forearm, giving him a gentle squeeze. “I should’ve told you about the maid. I was stupid…I didn’t want to worry you.”

            “But I already worry.” He ranted.

            “Oh, for fucks sakes, talk about your damn feelings another time!” Toph swore loudly, standing upright as she stomped her feet on the ground. She swiftly shifted her posture, her head in the direction of Katara.

            “Look here, Sugar Queen, this is what is going to happen. I’m going to tell the damn details, and everyone can keep their mouths shut till the end. Got it?”

            I found myself zipping my mouth shut, Sokka nodding his head frantically, hearing Toph’s stern voice. Aang straightened up his posture, Zuko shooting Toph an amused look, seeing her take charge. “Please go on, Toph. Saves my breath.” Zuko muttered, before raising the documents back to view.

            And boy, did Toph tell the story, alright.

            It was an experience I didn’t know I needed to experience until today. I figured Toph would gloss over everything, cutting corners due to her unsurprisingly impatient nature, but I was pleasantly surprised.

            Despite her blunt and quick to the point, attitude, she hit the nail in every aspect. She didn’t leave behind a single detail, Katara’s eyes growing wider and wider by the second. In fact, even though most of us were there to experience the whole ordeal, we found ourselves silent. Who knew Toph could be a fantastic public speaker when she wanted to be? She would make an amazing investigator.

            Zuko’s hand went back to petting my hair, reading the documents sent from the Earth King, as Toph ranted. But his attention wavered when Katara spoke up.

            “Azula burnt Aang?” Katara repeated, her hand softly caressing Aang’s arms. Aang shot her a caring smile, catching her hand with his, “Don’t worry about it, Sweetheart. I’m all healed.” I could tell Aang was trying his best to ease any concern of Katara, but I couldn’t blame her.

            She was thrown into a pit of lions. Everything that happened, we’ve gotten to process one way or another over time, but Katara was learning about everything now. It was a shock, but Katara just huffed furiously at Aang, shaking her head in annoyance.

            “And you- are you crazy?” She shouted; a slender finger pointed towards me. My jaw dropped, face going white as I saw the way her eyes narrowed heatedly. It reminded me of the times she would lecture Sokka and me whenever we got into trouble. “You fought Azula like in that state, you fought Yakone. You could’ve died Yue; your chi is all messed up. This is dangerous!” Katara lectured.

            “I had to save them-”

            “Aang could have gone in the Avatar state.” Katara retorted.

            “He was tired.” I fought back, pushing myself off the chair. I knew Katara had a point. It was stupid of me, and this ‘flu’ I had, which was evidently something else, was worrying. It was dangerous for me to bend, but the thought of any of them getting hurt was scarier. “I had to save them. Yakone was going to kill them.”

            “And this is why Bloodbenders are disgusting.” Katara spat, running a hand angrily through her locks. The outright hatred in her voice had my breathing hitching, not at all expecting those words to leave her mouth. But the way she spoke, it came naturally, like the fact that Bloodbenders were some vial creatures was a truth, not an opinion. Disgusting-

            “Those are some strong words, Katara,” Aang said speedily, and Katara pursed her lips.

            “You know how dangerous Bloodbending is. You can control someone without their consent. Kill them from the inside out.”

            “That’s not true, Katara.” I blurted without much thought. Aang’s eyes widen at my comment, shooting me a warning glance, but Sokka spoke up before Katara could. “No offence, Princess, but as much as you are a lover, you have to admit. Bloodbending, that’s some next-level human shit right there.”

            “If you can even call them human,” Katara grumbled under her breath. Sokka frowned at her comment, but regardless, he nodded his head in agreeance to her words.

            “Honestly, they’re more like monsters to me. Manipulating blood? That’s disgusting and dark.” Suki added, shaking her head as she looked at Sokka. Suki was a warrior, but even I noticed the way her voice wavered at the thought of Bloodbending.

            “Well, once we get rid of Yakone, no more Bloodbenders to worry about. Problem solved.” Toph grumbled, falling back onto the floor with a thud. She crossed her legs, resting her chin on her elbow as she listened to everyone trash talk.

            “We shouldn’t speak ill about Bloodbending; we don’t know much about it…maybe it can be used for some good?” I reasoned, trying to add some positivity to the conversation, but Katara snuffed. “What good could Bloodbending possibility have?”

            “M-maybe you can heal? Right, Yue? Maybe you can do some more powerful healing, better than regular Waterbending?” Aang proposed eagerly. His eyes were light, scanning the room desperately, wishing for someone to work with him. But Sokka shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know Aang. When you have that much power…it's tempting to do more evil than good, in my opinion.”

            “But Aang is strong; he isn’t evil!” I retorted, hands falling on the study before me harder than I intended. Everyone jumped slightly at the sudden noise, but the beating of my heart in my chest was louder. “That’s like- that’s like saying that everyone with power is evil. That’s not true; there are plenty of good people with power.” I panicked, desperately trying to defuse the situation.

            “Why do you care so much, Princess? Why are you trying to defend Bloodbenders? It’s like you feel bad for Yakone or something.” Toph huffed.

            “That’s not what I’m trying to say.” I whimpered under my breath. What was I trying to say? It did sound like I was trying to defend Yakone. But that wasn’t it – hearing the way they disregarded a whole sub-bending skill because of a bad-bunch? What about all the good that came from Bloodbending during-

            “The next thing you know, Princess over here is going to go give a hug to Yakone, maybe offer him some cookies.” Toph mocked under her breath. My lips puckered, eyes wide hearing the taunting tone in Toph’s voice.

            “Watch it.”

            For the first time, I heard Zuko speak. His voice was low, a deadly tone laced with his simple warning as his hand fell over my shoulder. I could feel the heat radiating from his palms. Zuko didn’t say a damn word during the whole conversation. Did he think Bloodbenders were monsters too? Despicable and less than human?

            “It was a joke, Zuko. Relax.” Toph huffed, her bangs flying upwards for a moment before falling back over her eyes. “This isn’t a time for jokes. We have two wanted criminals, and damn spy inside the kingdom.” Zuko lectured, and Katara stepped forward.

            “We’re just talking about Bloodbenders-”

            “But why? Whether or not Bloodbenders are evil is beside the fucking point. We need to focus on the important things. Healing Yue, so her chi doesn’t kill her, and capturing Yakone to ensure the prosperity of the United Nations.”

            “Zuko is right; we’re falling off track here,” Aang spoke, his voice sounding calmer. Zuko ran his hands through his bun, causing hairs to fall and frame his face. “We can pick up the rest tomorrow; we’re getting nowhere for today,” Zuko muttered under his breath.

            Suki let out a sigh, standing off Sokka and outstretching a hand. He grabbed it, letting her pull his body upwards before wrapping an arm around her shoulders, “Fine. Let’s call it a day then. We can pick everything back up tomorrow in the morning.”

            “Fine with me…” Toph grumbled before abruptly standing up. She kicked the air underneath her before storming out of the room without another word. Aang nodded meekly, bowing quickly towards Zuko and I. I saw the way he smiled at me sympathetically before linking arms with Katara. Pity.

            The sound of their soft voices and feet pattering against the room was the last sound heard before the door shut behind them, leaving Zuko and me alone. The room suddenly felt far too large and lonely, missing the company of everyone, despite them being the cause of anxiousness.

            I let out a shaky breath, hands rubbing my face roughly. Why did I have to say anything? I should have just agreed; I should have kept my mouth shut. They’re right-

            Bloodbenders are monsters.

            Disgusting creatures – less than humans.

            I’m a mon-

            “Love?” Zuko hummed softly, squeezing my shoulder and catching my attention. I jumped, hands falling onto my lap as I looked up at Zuko. I felt so jumpy today, uneasy, even around Zuko. But why? It was like darkness was looming over my head.

            “S-sorry. I’ll go now so you can work. See you for dinner-”

            “Wait.” Zuko breathed, and I noticed how soft his amber eyes appeared. The furious leader that called off the meeting was gone; only Zuko was here, no Fire Lord. “Let’s get out of here, love,” Zuko spoke tenderly, brushing my hair behind my ears as his fingers carefully traced my jaw. His touch had my body easing, breathing relaxing as I weakened under his touch.

            “But your work-”

            “Mother told me some interesting advice today during lunch.”

            I bite my lips. That was random, even for my standards. But the look on Zuko’s face, he was serious. I opened my mouth before shutting it, unsure how to respond to his unexpected statement. “What…did she say” I clumsily questioned.

            The way Zuko leaned into me, I could see my reflection in his eyes. He had such long eyelashes; I never did notice. I figured that the burn would’ve prevented much growth, much like his eyebrow, but that didn’t seem to be the case. His eyes were like endless pools of gold, flickers of sparks scattered randomly. The longer we stared into each other eyes, the larger his pupils dilated.

            His thumb traced my bottom lip, Zuko biting his lips, “She told me to be selfish more often.”

            I rose a brow at his words. “Selfish?”

            “Mhmm…and I think…today I’m going to listen.”

            “Which means…?” I pushed, and Zuko chuckled. “So impatient, curious.”

            A flush coated my cheeks, but I couldn’t pull away from his grasp. Hypothesized by the intense stare, the way he rolled his bottom lip under his teeth as he cheekily studied me up and down. “I’m spoiling you rotten today. Care to go on a date with me? Ice cream for dinner?”

            “Really? You aren’t playing around with me, are you?” I wisely asked, not trusting Zuko completely. He was not only a tease but a high-key sadist. Zuko sniggered, pinching my nose before planting a sweet kiss on my lips, “Of course, beautiful.”

            Beautiful.

            Zuko felt the way my body tensed at the word, and he pulled away. A painful frown suddenly emerged on his face, eyes watching over me, “What’s wrong, love?”

            “Can a monster be beautiful?”

            Zuko’s snorted, rolling his eyes at my unexpected remark. “You think I’m attractive, and I was called a monster my whole life…so I guess so. A monster can be beautiful.”

            But Zuko was handsome – whoever called him a monster, they were wrong. He was a product of misfortune, who rebuilt themself, became something better. Zuko eyed my expression as I absentmindedly nodded at his words, but I wasn’t satisfied. Because that wasn’t the question, I really wanted to ask.

            “Ask it, love. You’re itching to ask.” Zuko mused, seeing right through my act. And I did just that, asked him the question I wanted so desperately to know his answer for.

            “Can you love a monster?”

            “…the better question is, do you think a monster is worthy of love?”

            Is it selfish for me to say yes?

            Waking up to the beautiful smile of Zuko’s was the best way to start the day.

            Our limbs were messily intertwined with each other; Zuko’s arms were hugging me close to his body. My face was flush against his chest; his hands combed through my locks. He was always so careful, not wanting to yank at a tangle, relishing the way the silky strands slid between his fingers.

            “Mm, good morning, love,” Zuko whispered between hushed lips, pressing the top of my head with chaste kisses.

            There was a certain raspiness in his voice that had me mewling, purring as I snuggled against his pec, hearing his steady heartbeat. His voice was low, almost drunk-like, as he let his lips brush by my temple for one last peck. “How did my baby sleep? Feeling better?” He hummed. I felt the way his hand trailed down my hair, following my spine, stopping at the hem of panties.

            “Perfect, warm.”

            “I should start charging you.” Zuko pestered, and I gazed upwards, a grin on his face. “A kiss per half hour?”

            “That’s a pretty steep rate.” I bothered, and Zuko laughed.

            “You’re right, just for you, I’ll give you a better rate.”

            “So, there are others you warm like this?” I pouted, failing miserably to mask the bubble of jealousy that suddenly emerged. I knew that my statement was false; the thought of Zuko sneaking off and having some side affair was more of a joke than a possibility. He was far too devoted, too loyal to be the type to cheat.

            But despite the obvious, Zuko smirked, “Of course not, baby, that’s why I’m giving you the best rate. For my one and only customer.”

            “And what would that be?”

            “Two kisses per half an hour.”

            “Zuko, that’s even worse than the last rate you gave me!” I laughed noisily, snorting at Zuko’s logic. He chuckled, chest rumbling underneath me as he stole another kiss on my head. “You caught me red-handed, love.”

            “I swear, one day I’m going to freeze you,” I grumbled under my breath, trying to hide the fact that I was enjoying this way too much. “Temperature play? You really are a kinky one.” Zuko teased, and I blushed.

            “T-that’s not what I meant, Zuko!” I shrieked, infuriated that I let Zuko get a rise out of me this early in the morning. But the smile on Zuko’s face grew the more flustered I got, cheeks a baby pink as I blew. How can I stay mad at him when he looked so damn cute?

            A knock on the door caught our attention, stopping our tantalizing banter short. Zuko shuffled, and I rolled over, letting him sit up. “Come in,” Zuko spoke loudly, the door creaking open just a bit. I pushed the heavy blankets off me, reaching for my robe and letting my arms slip through before standing up.

            “Good morning Kim-oh.”

            “My apologies, Fire Lord Zuko, Imperial Consort Ying Yue. Kima and Lia took the day off today; it seems they are tied up at the moment.” A lady spoke. My breath caught in my throat, staring blankly at the lady before us.

            Her hair was short, highlighting her sharp angular facial features. Her eyes were tapered, a stunning violet colour, pupils like slits. A tea tray was carefully balanced in her grasp, as she thoughtfully walked forward. The whole time her eyes were locked with mine, a sinister smile on her face.

            “I bring you your morning tea. To help with your illness, Imperial Consort, doctors' orders.” The lady spoke, a deliberate hiss towards the end. I felt myself on edge, unable to finish slipping my arm through my robe as I just stared.

            “Thank you; you can leave it on my side,” Zuko spoke, snapping me out of my haze.

            His coarse voice seemed to catch the lady’s attention, too, shifting her eyes to him, licking her lips without a care in the world. “As you wish, Fire Lord Zuko.” The way she purred out his name, the seductive tone, it had my skin crawling.

            She shuffled forward, letting the tray fall on his nightstand with a loud clank. Hastily, I put on my robe, tying it to my body as if it was a layer of armour. “I’ll take my leave. Enjoy the tea.” She spoke, forcing a crazy smile on her face wicked, matching her eyes.

            I observed her every step. She was light on her feet, and I noticed how ill-fitting her maid's clothes were. They were far too tight, highlighting her toned physic. With one last crooked smile, the door shut behind her, the air filling my lungs.

            “Fucking weirdo,” Zuko muttered under his breath before reaching over his nightstand. He grabbed the ceramic teapot, pouring the hot liquid into a teacup. The steam filled the air, and his large hand cupped the small teacup before eyeing me, “Here, love.”

            “Give me a minute; I’m going to brush my teeth. I feel yucky.” I glowered, and Zuko rolled his eyes. “Come on; I like your morning breath.” He teased cheekily, pulling the teacup back to his chest.

            “Eww, you’re so gross, Zuko.” I giggled; the uneasiness of that maid’s presence long forgotten.

            “Some would call that romantic,” Zuko shouted as I waltzed my way to the bathroom. I look over my shoulder, shooting him a look of disbelief. “The Almighty Fire Lord Zuko a romantic?” I said, biting my lips as I rose my brows.

            Zuko hummed, bringing the teacup that he had originally poured for me to his lips. The way he looked over at me while taking a slow sip, “Mmmm, are you trying to say I’m not?” He challenged. But I saw the way his nose scrunched up for a moment, taking a whiff of the tea.

            “This smells gross…and tastes just as bad.” Zuko muttered under his breath, and I rolled my eyes. “It’s medicine Zuko, my medicine, not some breakfast tea.”

            “Tea is tea, but fuck – this is really gross.” Zuko groused, and I laughed at the way Zuko complained under his breath. Yet to my amazement, he took another swing. “You just said you don’t like it!” I snickered, shaking my head.

            My hands pushed the bathroom door open, letting the natural light from the windows light the space. I winced slightly, feeling the cold tiles against my feet, wishing I made Zuko get ready first. His natural warmth always managed to heat the cold tiles.

            “Yeah, but I don’t want it to go to waste.” I heard Zuko grumble loudly, voice sounding rougher than usual. “Zuko, don’t worry. I’ll drink it all.” I reasoned, searching for the toothpaste. Where was it? My eyes frantically scanned the marble counter, spotting our toothbrushes, face towels, cleansers.

            “Hey, Zuko. Did we finish the toothpaste?” I asked, my gaze darting all over the place. He must have forgotten to tell me we ran out last night. A small pout fell over my lips, hands falling over my hips as I stood tall.

            “Zuko? Hey Zuko-”

            The sound of glass hitting the ground had my blood running cold.

            My feet moved without me thinking, dashing into our bedroom frantically, “Zuko? Are you ok-”

            Zuko’s face was red, hands desperately clawing at his throat. He was heaving, sweating, veins popping as he was hunched over, coughing. I could see the deep red marks etched into his skin as he tore at his throat, “Zuko!” I cried, and at the sound of my voice, his head snapped upwards.

            My heart stopped, seeing how wide his golden eyes were.

            They were bloodshot, tears bubbling up as he wheezed.

            “Help.”

            He’s choking. He can’t breathe- I ran.

            “Zuko, I’m here, Zuko, relax! You need to try to breathe.” I panicked, running to his side. My feet slipped against the wooden floors as I dashed, but I found myself stopping abruptly. Ceramic littered the floor. The teacup was shattered into a dozen pieces, small fragments of herbs littering the floor-

            The tea.

            “Guards!” I screamed, jumping into the bed as I hastily crawled to Zuko. His chest rose and fell frantically, shoving him back as my fingers trailed to his neck. The bedroom doors flung open, the sound of heavy footsteps entering the room, “Imperial Consort- What happened?!”

            “Call the doctors, Zuko is poisoned. He needs help!” I cried, not bothering to turn to face them. I shut my eyes, trying to find his pulse, hands shaking. His heart was pumping, throbbing piercingly as he struggled to breathe.

            He’s dying.

            Something abruptly grabbed my wrist, my eyes snapping open, and I couldn’t stop the sob that erupted from me. Zuko’s eyes met mine, and I could see it.

            “I-I love you.”

            “N-no-no Zuko. You’re not going anywhere.” I sobbed, hands frantically touching his throat. His pulse was dying. I need to do something. I need to do something-

            That’s it.

            If it’s the tea, it’s a liquid. I can bend the tea from his skin like sweat. I yanked my hand away from Zuko’s, grasping his chest and pushing my arms against his heating skin. My eyes shut closed, tears overflowing as I focused.

            I can’t feel it.

            I can’t feel the fucking tea.

            “I can’t bend it!” I shouted in frustration, moving my hands up and down his body, trying to find a fucking drop of it in his system. His body can’t have ingested the tea into his bloodstream. For something like that to happen, a few hours would have had to pass. It’s impossible – unless.

            My arms stiffened, freezing in my spot, hands no longer frantically searching his body.

            The tea wasn’t tea.

            I dug my fingers into his skin, breathless as I realized what was happening. I could feel it, it was there, in Zuko’s body, in his blood.

            If the tea was mixed with someone’s else blood – poisoned, then it’s possible- the poison is already in Zuko’s bloodstream.

            He’s going to die.

            I can’t save him.

            I can’t bend that; I can’t- My heart pounded loudly in my ears, pulling myself away from Zuko’s body. I couldn’t stop the tears that fell down my face.

            I can’t; I shouldn’t-

            My feet wobbled as I crawled off the bed, steps stomping against the hardwood floor as I dashed to the array of dual swords that decorated the wall. A weak sob left my lips as I pulled the guard off the sharp blade, throwing it across the room.

            A quick twist of my feet, I felt my heart shatter, watching the way Zuko withered in our bed. His face was purple, hands desperately clenching the blankets underneath him as he wheezed painfully.

            I shouldn’t-

            My hands were shaking as I slowly inched towards Zuko.

            His golden eyes lined with mine, seeing as I eased my way to him with a sword in hand. “I’m sorry, Zuko- I’m sorry.” I cried, pulling my gaze away from his. I couldn’t face him; I couldn’t look into those sweet eyes. I didn’t deserve it, not a single part of him.

            I winced as I stepped on the shattered teacup, cutting the soles of my feet as I leaned over Zuko’s dying figure. The sharp blade pressed against Zuko’s throat, sniffling as I shook my head.

            “I wanted to tell you, Zuko. I really did. But-but-”

            I pressed, Zuko wincing as the blade easily sliced his soft skin, droplets of scarlet tainting his neck. I threw the knife away, jamming my fingers into the open wound. I sobbed, feeling the pain that Zuko was in, “I wanted to tell you the truth Zuko, I wanted to. But I was selfish.” I cried.

            I shut my eyes, and I could feel it.

            The poison, it was mixing with his blood, and I panted heavily. It was starting to fuse; if I don’t do this now, it’ll be too late.

            I reached the point of no return.

            Fingers jammed into Zuko’s wound, feeling his veins pulsing, blood pumping frantically in the pace of his struggling heart. Zuko’s life was far more important than the consequences I would face.

            I can do this.

            I will save Zuko.

            My fingers twisted, earning a painful groan from Zuko. “Bare with it Zuko, I’m sorry!” I cried. Just a little bit more-almost- got it.

            I yanked my body back, wrist snapping and Zuko inhaled loudly.

            Relief.

            I twirled my hand, panting heavily as black spots flooded my vision. I was pushing myself too much, just a little bit more- I felt the way Zuko’s blood separated from the foreign blood, tainted with poison.

            My eyes widen, taking in the disgusting sight.

            Dark liquid, almost black, floated in the air as I bent. My other hand weaved back and forth, trying to separate Zuko’s blood from the poison. The muscles in his body eased instantaneously, and with one giant huff, I balled my hands, the poison collapsing in itself, freezing into a ball in the air.

            Zuko sat upright, his hands falling over his chest as he dry heaved. Spit fell from his lips as his body shook with each cough, air squeezing past his sore throat and filling his lungs.

            He’s breathing.

            I saved him, and at that moment, I made the fatal mistake of looking at him.

            His eyes met mine between forced pants.

            “You’re- you’re a- Bloodbender.”

            His hand lunched forward as if he was trying to grab me, and I stepped back. With whatever power I had left in my body, I swung my hand forward. His eyes widen, I could feel the way he tried desperately to fight against me, but it was useless. He let out a tired groan, and his body fell limp.

            Letting gravity take over, Zuko’s body fell into the bed with a thud.

            “Yue!”

            The doors burst open, a pair of arms wrapped around me as doctors and nurses flooded the room. A numbness filled my body. Arms falling limp to my side, only noticing then I had Zuko’s blood on the tips of my fingers still.

            Blood…

            “Yue.” Aang breathed heavily in my ear, and I fell to the floor, on my knees. I watched as Katara checked over Zuko’s body, “He’s okay, he passed out, but he’s breathing, he’s okay!” she shouted.

            Aang shuffled in front of me, dropping to his knees with me on the floor as he cupped my face. His fingers brushed the tears that fell down my face before pressing his forehead against mine. “He knows…doesn’t he?” Aang whispered, voice pained.

            “It was the only way to save him, Aang.”

            “He loves you, Yue-”

            “You can’t love a monster.”

Copyright © 2019 Mystic-Kitten, inc. all rights reserved. No reposting, modifying, or translations of any kind allowed. Thank you for your cooperation.

Disclaimer: I do not own any Avatar characters portrayed in this story besides Ying Yue Jiang, Lia, Kima, and any future creations.

❤ Buy me a coffee? ❤

[not-poignant]

Gwyn and Augus don't really read like they are thousands of years old. I don't know if that's just me or because of their trauma but I can believe Albion is thousands of years old, or old Pete, or the Gancanagh and the uh, swan dude (omg horrible I forgot his name what), but not Augus and Gwyn. Is this on purpose or just me not picking up on things?

There’s bits about why this happens, and this has definitely been explained in asks before (though not for a while). But! Basically the cost of fae being neotenous (looking youthful) is that they don’t emotionally mature at a rapid rate, and tend to be emotionally stunted.

This is how fae who are tens of thousands of years old (like Ondine and the Nain Rouge for example) can still behave in ‘youthful’ ways.

It’s sort of like...how the domesticated dogs we have, are bred for neoteny. They’re bred to look like and act like puppies, essentially (some more than others). As a result of neoteny, they are stunted in some other ways as well. Some benefit us, and some don’t. Some domesticated dogs basically never do well in a wild setting, because the ability to cope in wild settings has been kind of bred out of them. In exchange, we get cuter dogs with more puppyish behaviours throughout their lives. That’s what humans often like.

In fairy tales and folklore, the stories tend to go out of their way to imply that the gentle folk (fae) can both seem like they’re ageless and childish at the same time. Like, it’s specifically characteristic to fae and can be tracked back in like, contemporary fantasy fiction, but also in the folklore itself. My ‘reasoning’ for that which would sort of work biologically in the world is that their drive for self-fixed neoteny and youthfulness, along with their agelenessness, drastically slows down their capacity for emotional maturity.

As a result, even fae that are much older than Gwyn and Augus can be very immature at times. Some fae pretend to be more mature; but Albion throwing a tantrum because Gwyn lied to him, and punishing him disproportionately as a result is not a very mature thing to do, even if he sounds mature. I’m sure we all had friends in highschool who ‘talked’ in a very mature way but still behaved like a total juvenile when they wanted to.

So it’s absolutely deliberate. It’s an homage to folklore and fairy tales, it’s a biological feature/bug of the fae ability to fix their appearance at a certain age, instead of aging out forever. Fae tend to also get stuck in development, so they can go 1,000 years with nothing really happening in their lives, and then something might happen and they experience everything really acutely as a result of - ‘hey I haven’t been through anything like this for 1,000 years’ and neoteny and just their general disposition.

Gwyn and Augus were never supposed to read like they are 1000s of years old outside of learned experience (i.e. they both know things a person can’t learn in a single lifetime), because that would make them very hard to relate to as characters. If anything, their being fae means they experience and express emotions more intensely than humans do, which can make them more relatable, or turn more mellow moments between people, into more exacerbated moments.

If anything, I’d say fae are on the whole less mature than humans, though they get better at pretending at maturity, and some generally are more mature. But like humans, that’s as much to do with personality as it is lived experience. Again, as with teens, some teens are just very mature, and will pretty much stay that way forever. Some adults never grow out of being as juvenile as possible. Like Oengus, as an example, didn’t ‘grow’ into his maturity so much as he was just a very serious creature prone to depression (and even his depression has elements of immaturity to it. I mean he’s basically a fae who refuses to let go of love, which is something most humans do actually learn to do in a mature manner. But that...inability is what makes elements of folklore more romantic to people - I just wanted a biological reason to explain it; and neoteny is the reason).

[themostrandomfandom]

You may have discussed this, but what are your thoughts on Brittana's horoscope signs? In canon and/or Mouseverse. Thank you!

Hey, @gaylati!

Full disclosure: I know very little about horoscopes, and it seems like there’s a lot of conflicting information out there about what the common traits are for each sign and which signs are compatible with each other and whatnot, so if anything I say here doesn’t fit, I apologize.

Discussion after the cut.

________

So.

The truth is that, in canon, we really don’t get any concrete information about when Brittana’s respective birthdays might be, though we can infer based on the fact that they were both originally set to graduate in 2012 that—barring either one of them having been held back or skipped forward prior to Brittany’s second senior year—they were both likely born sometime between September 1993 and September 1994 (since September is the “cut-off month” to begin kindergarten in Ohio).

Brittany does mention in episode 3x01 that she is a “water sign,” and while it’s entirely possible given the context for the scene that she is just joking, if we take her statement literally, then that means she is either a Scorpio, Pisces, or Cancer, meaning that she could have been born between

October 23rd and November 21st, 1993 (Scorpio)

February 18th and March 20th, 1994 (Pisces)  

June 20th and July 22nd, 1994 (Cancer)

We get no information in canon about what Santana’s sign may be.

My personal headcanon, based on my very limited understanding, is that Brittany is a Scorpio (and that’s what she is in the Mouseverse).

Having nothing else to base it on, and once again bearing in mind my very limited understanding of horoscopes, my personal headcanon is that Santana is a Leo (and that’s what she is in the Mouseverse).

I like the idea of Brittana’s signs being “complementary opposites,” water and fire.

Here’s my reasoning:

Brittany

Scorpios are known for having magnetic personalities, though they tend to conceal parts of themselves depending on the company. When making plans, Scorpios can be secretive. They are typically focused and intuitive in their approaches to problem-solving; loyal to friends and vengeful to enemies in their social relationships; manipulative when they want or need something; and protective when it comes to the people they love.

To me, Brittany possesses a lot of the above-mentioned Scorpio traits.

Brittany’s personality is most definitely magnetic. She’s the most popular girl in school, and, as we see during her senior class president campaign, people are drawn to her, even though they may not always understand what she’s talking about. Brittany can be funny, confident, outgoing, whimsical, etc., all of which are traits that attract people to her. She’s the kind of electric personality lots of people want to be and lots more people—including Santana, Artie, Rory, and Sam—want to be with. 

Brittany can be secretive about her plans—like when she hides her relationship with Santana during early S3 and conceals from everyone her initial acceptance to MIT in S4—and chameleonlike in her approach to dealing with people, putting forward a different face, depending on with whom she’s dealing. To some, she’s silly and aloof. To others, she’s wise and philosophical. To many, she’s a riddle wrapped in an enigma. Very few people except for Santana ever get full access to “the real her.”

When Brittany sets her mind to solving a problem, she isn’t easily disuaded, as per what we see when she comes up with Project Unicorn to combat bullying at WMHS and goes to very elaborate lengths to reconcile Alma and Santana prior to the wedding. While she isn’t as plan-reliant as Santana is on the whole, she is singularly focused on the occasions when she does put plans into motion.

She is also highly intuitive. Though many people misread Brittany as someone with immature emotions, the truth is that Brittany is very emotionally mature and possesses a high degree of emotional intelligence. She understands what makes people tick—and especially Santana. That’s why she’s able to be patient when Santana emotionally flails throughout S2. That’s also why Brittany is able to respond so well to Santana’s emotional needs (“If you want me, I’m here”). Though Brittany also has the propensity to be logical—hello, big, beautiful math brain!—she most frequently operates in response to what feels right. She senses and perceives a lot more than people realize. 

The “loyal to friends and vengeful to enemies” thing? That’s Brittany to a T. If you treat her and hers well, then she’s got your back. (See her relationship with Mercedes.) But if you treat her and hers poorly, then you’ve got another thing coming to you. (See her relationship with Rachel.) Though she has a reputation for being kind and friendly, make no mistake: Baby Girl can be petty af to those who cross her, making their lives hell in ways they don’t even see coming. 

When it comes to being manipulative to get what she wants, I have two words for you: Sneaky!Brittany. Brittany uses people’s low expectations for her against them, conning and conniving her way to the top as it serves her purposes. 

When it comes to being protective of those she loves, well, just look to her entire relationship with Santana but especially to the speech she makes to Alma in episode 6x06. Though Brittany often avoids direct conflict, she isn’t afraid to step into the ring when it comes to defending Santana and keeping her heart safe.

Santana

Leos are known for having a dramatic flare and deep-seated need for self-expression; occasionally being overbearing and stepping on the toes of those around them; and constantly seeking for love and approval. They are said to wear their hearts on their sleeves and be somewhat reactive. They are also known for being hopeless romantics and for their courage, kindness, generosity, protectiveness, and brutal honesty.

—which is pretty Santana, tbqh.

Aside from Rachel Berry, Santana is probably the most Extra™ person to ever Extra™. She loves performing—“Glee club is the best part of my day, okay?”—and shines when she’s on stage. One of her big motivations throughout the show is to “be seen as the star that [she is].” Baby Girl is happiest when she’s singing and dancing her heart out.

Self-expression is a huge thing with Santana. She’s “just gotta be [her].” As she tells her grandmother in episode 3x07, having to pretend to be someone she’s not drains her. Her arc on the show is all about learning to first accept and then express herself—and once she starts being honest about who she is, she never looks back.

When it comes to being potentially overbearing and stepping on others’ toes, look no further than to her relationships within the glee club: Santana is constantly giving “tough love” and saying more than she should, overstepping personal boundaries (like when she ransacks Hummelberry’s belongings after she moves into the Loft), going overboard in her schemes to influence those around her (like when she engineers a sting operation to take down Sebastian Smythe to avenge Blaine’s eye injury), etc. She can be A Lot™ sometimes, which is part of why she encounters so much relational friction with the New Directions over the years.

Seeking for love and approval? That is Santana’s main motivation throughout the show. Baby Girl just wants so much to love and be loved. It’s her be all and end all.

Santana definitely wears her heart on her sleeve and has a reactive temperament. She cries at the drop of a hat and also can’t help but break into the biggest, dimple-deep smile whenever she’s truly happy. Even when she pretends not to, the truth is that she feels a lot and feels deeply in spite of herself.

Hopeless romantic? Check.

Courage, kindness, generosity, and protectiveness? Check.

Brutal honesty? “I keep it real, and I’m hilarious.” Check.

Brittana

In terms of their compatibility, Scorpio/Leo unions are said to be built on intense connections, with both partners being extremely loyal to and protective of each other. Their dynamics typically have a strong sexual component. While early on, poor communication and a lack of emotional openness can cause problems, if both partners work through these issues and learn to disclose to each other, they can form a strong, healthy “us against the world” bond.

—which is a pretty good summation of Brittana, imo.

Intense connection? As they state numerous times throughout the show, Brittany and Santana consider their bond to be a once-in-a-lifetime, infinite, soulmate-level one true love. They both love each other more than anyone else in the world.  

As discussed above, both of them are individually highly loyal to and protective of each other. They’re also both protective of their relationship. When faced with opposition, they join hands and form ranks, as is apparent when they both separately confront Kurt for disparaging their engagement in episode 6x03 and together face down Alma in episode 6x06.

Strong sexual component? They once popped a hip.

Early on, particularly during S1 and early S2, Brittana’s relationship does suffer from poor communication and lack of emotional openness. Santana says with her words that she and Brittany are just friends and nothing more, but her body language and actions toward Brittany suggest something different. Brittany wants for them to be able to be honest about what they feel for each other, but Santana forbids it. For fear of upsetting Santana, Brittany keeps her mouth shut. Santana’s unwillingness to acknowledge feelings coupled with Brittany’s fear of spooking Santana leads to angst on angst on angst and eventually the Brittana Rift of early S2. It is only after Santana finally confesses her feelings in episode 2x15 and Brittany starts speaking her mind during the Back Six of S2 that Brittana’s relationship finally improves.

—and once Brittana do learn to communicate with and emote to each other, their relationship becomes SOLID. While outside stressors sometimes scare them into reverting to their old, noncommunicative patterns between S3-S5, by the time S6 rolls around, Brittana have established an incredibly tight bond based on healthy disclosure and mutual respect. Just look at the hallway scene in episode 6x06: They talk through their feelings like adults and show each other so much love, even though they initially disagree. They’re constantly building each other up and offering each other support. “Flash forward, and we’re taking on the world together,” indeed.

So anyway, that’s my take. 

Thanks for the question!

[ba3kkie]

The Final Crescendo [Epilogue]

“Baekhyun-ah” You whispered as the tears rolled down your pale cheek.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you managed to say “ I love you”.

Part 1 || Part2 || Part 3 || Final

Pairing:  Baekhyun x reader.

:. I don’t own any of the characters nor companies mentioned and it is purely fictional and should not be taken seriously. I only own the plot.

8:30 p.m

“ Let’s run away together.”

Your eyes widened in shock, that was all it took to break you, your facade crumbled into a million pieces, tears painfully hanging onto your lashes, trying their best to hold on. You hung your head low, avoiding eye contact at all cost, you knew how you turned to putty under his gaze.

“(Y/n)… Look at me baby” He cup the side of your cheek with his gentle palm, you unknowingly leaned into his touch, your hormones betraying you, oh how you have missed his touch.

“Come with me, let’s finally get our happy ending”

As he rubbed his thumb across your cheek, the look on his face made your heart ache, he looked so defeated, what happened to the strong baekhyun who was unfazed by anything? Had so much changed the past few months? Was it your fault?

“We can’t Baek.” You voice faltering.

“Baby please”

“Please (y/n), don’t you want this too?”

His voice getting softer with every plea.

“I love you, please.”

“You can’t throw away everything you worked so hard for !” you cried, banging his chest with your curled fist.

“You are my everything” He said as he let you pound his chest.

You screamed, the tears now dripping from your chin.

“ YOU CAN’T DO THIS! IT’S NOT FAIR!” you shouted at him, turning your heel and started walking to the stairs.

“ He told me why you left.” You were surprised and stopped dead in your tracks.You had to end this now, before you’d never walk away,

You let out a hollow laugh,

“You’re naive to think that he cares! ”

“He told me how to contact you.” You were beyond baffled, how could your father tell him anything. Remembering how the last encounter with the old man went.

“Bullshit, he hated us being together!” You felt the pool of anger form within, you turned your heel, facing away from him.

“I talked to him (y/n), I told him I wanted to be with you.”  He wrapped his arms around your shoulders, pulling your back into his chest.

“Are you an idiot? You just debuted and you’re already a star ! Many take years to establish themselves, but you managed to do it overnight, why would you throw it all away?” You let out a choke as the words came tumbling out, the dried tears staining your cheeks.

“Im dying” he whispered as let his head fall on your shoulder.

You turned and looked at him begging it to be a joke, and for once you hated how you could read him like the open book he was to you. His dark orbs stared intenstly at you, this was all too real, you tried to formulate words, you had so many questions for him yet, they had vanish at the tip of your tongue.

“Brain cancer (y/n), I have brain cancer.” he bit back his tears, trying to be strong for the both of you. “Your father found out and told me how to contact you.”

A tear brimming once again on your already swollen eyes, you managed to choke a ‘Don’t lie’ before staring back at him.

“8 months, that’s what the doctor told me and you know what? The first thought that ran through my mind was ‘I want to spend it all with you’ (y/n), I know I’m being selfish, asking you to love a man who will soon be gone, but I’m allowed to be selfish sometimes right ?” His lips quivered as the last part escaped his lips “I love you (y/n), let me try to love you more in these 6 months than anyone could in a lifetime.” He pressed his chapped lips against yours, as your lips moved in unison with his, you felt the salty liquid reach your lips, but whose tears was it ? You couldn’t tell anymore as the pain in your chest grew with each passing moment.

                                                        xxx

The ride to your house was silent, neither of you wanted to face the hard reality. It felt like you had been thrown into the deep end after just learning to swim, you didn’t know how to react, and imagining yourself in his shoes made you feel like you were drowning, just a matter of time before it all ends.

“Baek,” you gestured for him to take a seat on your bed, “I have something to tell you”, you made your way to your bedside table, fishing out an envelope and handing it to him. “This is yours.”

His eyes widen as he saw the black and white picture, “Why are you giving me a sonogram?” his voice was shaky, unsure, fearful almost of what you were to tell him next. You took his hands in yours and placed it under your sweater, you felt the pads of his fingertips graze over the bump of your belly, goosebumps forming on your arms at the sudden contact. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice now laced with hurt and betrayal, yet his hands never moved away from your bump.

“Meet our sweet pea, Baek”

4 months ago

‘Baekhyun had sudden disappeared’ according to the media, but here he was, arms wrapped around my waist as the morning rays shone upon his face. S.M had released statements saying that Baekhyun needed to take some time off to rest, they couldn’t announce the truth, it would be far too damaging for the company and even the people within would be emotionally affected.

“Baek, why don’t you go rest? I’ll call you out when dinner is ready.” You placed a kiss on his cheek before returning to the boiling pots on the stove. His health was rapidly deteriorating, the headaches getting stronger and also lasting longer, becoming more forgetful and the waves of fatigue were becoming more apparent, and all you could do was stand by helplessly as he suffered alone.

It hurt to know Baekhyun’s days were numbered, he too found it hard to be himself during these times, it’s hard to act happy when your body is literally destroying itself and you could not blame him, instead you allowed yourself to be his pillar, a place for him to seek comfort and release built up emotions. There were nights that ended with both of you crying in one another’s embrace with hushed apologies, but there were also nights of endless pleasure, where he kissed butterfly kisses against your skin while whispering sweet nothings.

He would sing you to sleep on those nights where you had trouble sleeping,

Cause you

You could be my only star

You could be the moonlight

You’re all I need in my world forever

I run to you, through the darkness

I’ll hold you close to me through this crazy race

Let’s make it forever

Don’t disappear, this is the end for me

We’ll never find a love like this again

Don’t break my soul

Your gaze,words and everything forever

His voice as beautiful as it is and will ever be, could not hide the sadness behind the words, every word hitting a chord, sometimes you found this song too real, as if it were meant specifically for both of you and the tragic love story you will become.  

It was a far cry from easy, this path you chose to walk on. As you stared at his now sunken features in the moonlight, you realise the entirety of everything,

First, you realise how much he means to you

Second, you realise your child will never remember it’s father

Third, you realised how stupid you were to push him away, how much time you had wasted with your immature behaviour

Fourth, You realise the excruciating pain Baekhyun must be going through physically and mentally  

Last but not least, you realise you love him so much, you wish it were you facing the wrath of the terminal illness in his stead.  

Like a broken record playing, you prayed it were you and not him suffering.

Baekhyun was alone, no one could possibly know how he felt, he was full of imperfections, but so was every unpolished diamond, yet in times of darkness he shined the brightest, he was your only star.

3 months ago

A week before your due date, you both had decided it would be best to both be admitted at the nearby hospital. You were worried for him if you were not around, how if he suddenly lost consciousness, on the other hand, he was worried he would be too weak to help you in an emergency. You had requested for Baekhyun to be able to share the room with you, given your circumstances, no one had the heart to deny you your request.

It was not even a week after you had been admitted, and there you were screaming in pain as the waves of contractions hit you like the crashing tides, baekhyun was in a wheelchair by your side, never letting go of your hand.

“(y/n), deep breaths, I love you.” His voice now very weak but just audible, and after what seemed like hours of labour, your baby girl was born, she was so tiny.

The nurse had placed her in Baekhyun’s arms and you swore you saw the world in his eyes, he placed a small kiss on her forehead before stroking her face with his thumb, you felt your heart swell at the sight of the man you love and the child you shared.

“Baek hee-ah, I’m your appa.” She gripped his finger tightly, before letting out a cute smile.

“I can’t believe you named her that” You sighed, but your lips tugging at the corner said otherwise.

“Shh, Baek hee-ah you like your name right? Your eomma doesn’t appreciate good taste.” He gave her a big smile, the second last you’d see.

Present

You rushed to the hospital with your father and child, you had mended your relationship with your father, he was the only person you could lean on in this time of sadness.

You received a call from the doctor in charge, saying how Baekhyun’s condition took a dive, he advised to come and be prepared for the worst.

You ran to his room, being second nature to you after visiting him everyday for the last 3 months, with your father fast on your tail with baby in hands.

As you reached the room, you took a deep breath before sliding the door and entering, with every step forward you took, you felt your vision cloud, you knelt beside his bed, taking his pale hands between yours. He turned slowly to face you, his body so frail and weak, your father placed Baekhee between you and Baekhyun, there it was, his final smile. He wore that smile like an apology, a sorry stretched across his teeth, “Take care my loves, till we meet again.” as he took his final breath.

“Baekhyun-ah” You whispered as the tears rolled down your pale cheek.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you managed to say “ I love you”.

Before you saw the light in his eyes fade, his smile now gone forever, his skin as cold as ice in your grasp as you choke back the tears you didn’t know were holding.

Cause you

You could be my only star

You could be the moonlight

You’re all I need in my world forever

I run to you, through the darkness

I’ll hold you close to me through this crazy race

Let’s make it forever

Don’t disappear, this is the end for me

We’ll never find a love like this again

Don’t break my soul

Your gaze,words and everything forever

His voice playing from the small cd player he had left in the bedside table, along with a ring and a small note which read :

‘Marry me in our next life my love, and maybe then it’ll be forever.’

As you sat there alone, you let the tears flow as you felt the wind caressing your cheek, drying your tears , as if he wanted you to know he was there, watching over you both.  

The days that have passed, had already turned into years, yet you had always remembered him with these silent tears you shed,

Your love, Baekhyun.

A/n: This marks the end of The Final Crescendo, it’s my first finished piece. I hope you all have enjoyed it, thank you for being with me through this journey of mine, I have written other fics so please do check them out. It is a great honour to have been given the support my readers have given me. I am thinking about writing an alternate ending, but only if you want it too, so please tell me, send me a message or

https://ask.fm/Ba3kkie [If you’d like to stay anonymous]

Thank you !

Love, Manda

[kiddbionicv2-blog]

Gold Soul Alchemy¡

Alchemists put various base metals, such as lead, through a series of processes which refine them step by step until they become gold. Sound impossible? It’s been done. My friend, Dennis William Hauck, author of a magnificent book on Alchemy and personal transformation, The Emerald Tablet, is a practicing alchemist and has done it. So have other alchemists through the ages. But the secret is that alchemical processes are merely symbols for the inner process of transforming our “lead” into our true state of being. By embracing the Gold within, we learn of our Soul and its purpose.

In Alchemy, there are seven basic stages:

Stage I: Calcination

Calcination is a difficult stage that shocks and disillusions us, while it deflates the ego. We feel as if we were being thrown into an abyss of unknowing, being torn to shreds, and then being burned to ashes.

Suffice it to say, most people avoid this process.

Dennis Hauck describes this foundational stage as “beneficial because [it exposes] deeper layers of our essence while rubbing away the false person.” This is certainly what most of us might think we want, but when we’re face-to-face with the process, it is often a frightening thing.

As Calcination burns away the ego’s influence by deflating it, we are without the ego’s protection from the unknown. We may feel like all we hold dear is being threatened, we may be depressed or angry. It’s a death-like experience. Even though this is painful and distressing, we may realize that we’ve outgrown the need to be protected. Calcination eliminates what is no longer needed, including cherished beliefs which limit us.

The essential task in Calcination is to surrender to it, learn from it and allow it to burn away the barriers and obstacles to our wholeness.

Stage II: Dissolution

Just as Calcination represents fire, the second stage, Dissolution, engages the element of water to further the process of releasing unnecessary and outgrown habits and beliefs. Dissolution typically involves crying and feeling lost. After Calcination, the ego’s rigid control is released temporarily, and we may become aware of underlying fears of the unknown, of feeling too much, or of expressing ourselves. We fear that no matter what we do, we will be harmed, rejected, denied, criticized, or annihilated.

The task in Dissolution is to actively accept and express our emotions so that we may access the essential emotional core within us. In Alchemy, the ashes of Calcination are dissolved in water (emotion) to give us the opportunity to connect to our original feeling state before the ego’s protections began.

In this stage, we bring back the emotions, while detaching from the experiences that triggered them in the past. Emotion connected to trauma or painful events get translated as just as bad as the event itself. So we repress them in order to protect ourselves from re-experiencing the original event. But our emotions are necessary and essential to the Soul’s well-being. So they must be brought back if we are to grow and mature spiritually.

In research done on the between-lifetimes states of consciousness (I recommend books by Michael Newton, Ph.D. and Joel L. Whitton, Ph.D.), a majority of subjects reported feelings as essential in the learning experiences between lifetimes. The feelings a Soul has during the after-death “life review” guides that Soul into making changes that support evolvement. The Soul may see that the next lifetime must be dedicated to correcting and rebalancing any wrong that was done against others or itself.

Rejected and denied, emotions become heavy, dark and sometimes even dangerous. We numb ourselves by believing we don’t have unacceptable feelings. But many people are amazed at how much time, effort, and energy they put into hiding an emotion, only to discover that when re-integrated, it makes them feel whole. The fear of being annihilated by an emotion is the fear of feeling alive.

Stage III: Separation

Separation is the stage in which we learn to make wise decisions. This is a level of intellectual exploration, symbolized by the element of air. But it is not a hiding place by “going into our heads” when upsetting emotions arise. Rather, it is a place where we deepen our understanding and appreciation of our emotions and integrate them in the process of making decisions for our lives that are more closely aligned with the guidance of our emotions and therefore, with the Soul’s purpose.

Misusing the intellect by rejecting emotion disconnects us from the Soul because the Soul and emotions are interconnected. Our Souls express through our emotions. Great artists, writers, musicians and other highly creative people could not do what they do if their emotions are shut down. Unfortunately, our society diminishes the value of emotion so those who express themselves passionately are often outcasts. We can perceive this rejection, however, as a confirmation that we are creative, inspired or unique, and we just don’t fit the common mold.

By being in touch with our feelings and learning to make decisions that support our expression, we avoid blocking that expression. This takes courage. It is far easier to stay in a bad relationship or to keep working for the same abusive boss than it is to leave. Leaving means we’re on our own and we won’t be taken care of. Those beliefs depend upon an immature perception ourselves, built on the idea that we have a helpless little child within us, when the truth is that we are adults. So Separation helps us to update old ideas and make wise decisions that release stands in the way of our growth.

Part IV: Conjunction

Alchemy’s motto is “As Above, So Below,” meaning that things of the earth are influenced by the heavens - and vice-versa. Alchemists and shamans seek the balance between the two and from that balance, they effect transformations and healings. The symbol of the World Tree, found in many mystical traditions such as the Kabbalah, teaches that to be whole, we must be connected to heavenly things as well as maintaining our roots in the earth, so the “trunk,” or our life as we live it, becomes a highway flowing between the two.

The fourth stage of alchemical transformation, Conjunction, is related to the heart and to the earth, another symbol like the World Tree of the place where the spiritual meets the physical and the higher states of consciousness may be integrated.

Conjunction calls us to create a new attitude toward ourselves and others. If Separation set the stage for us to quit a meaningless job, for instance, we may be inspired to begin doing what we always wanted to do. In the conjunctive state of consciousness, there are fewer fears, so many of the old “shouldn’ts” are absent, or at least diminished.

We learn to perceive ourselves with more acceptance and love. We see our “mistakes” of the past as “grist for the mill” and necessary for the greater consciousness yet to come. Rather than a value judgment, our previous low self-regard might now be viewed as a self-regulating mechanism that prevented us from manifesting our potential until the time was right.

A conjuncted consciousness takes us closer to being that person we always sensed we could be. However, the work doesn’t stop there.

Stage V-a: Putrefaction

Once again, we must face the ego’s attempt at dominance, but in the fiery Putrefaction-Fermentation stage, the quality, intensity, and source of the experience is quite different from that in Calcination. There, we were alone in our battle with the ego. This time we sense another, higher force assisting us. And although Putrefaction can be very disturbing, and we may be thrown once again into a pit of depression or despair, we also feel supported, even encouraged, in the process. Most people in this stage report the ability to observe objectively even while feeling deep despair and fear.

Putrefaction proceeds until it has “cooked” us enough and we enter Fermentation, whose process is similar to how rotted grapes become fine wine. Putrefaction has leveled the ego so it supports and strengthens us now, rather than sabotaging us.

Stage V-b: Fermentation

In Fermentation, a new wisdom may arise, founded upon the breaking down of former beliefs. In alchemy, the brew must be transferred to another container (the newly developing self), where a catalyst is added to produce the final stages of fermentation (where a new identity and outlook is formed).

In this stage, we must maintain a state of egoless surrender so we can be empty and receptive vessels when the catalyst is added. The catalyst in personal transformation may take any form, but it always includes new insight and even an enlightened view of the self. We may suddenly become aware of why we act and feel as we do. Old ideas and habits may fall away, and we see how much of who we thought we were was based upon illusion.

Part VI: Distillation

“Your feelings and thoughts are the feelings and thoughts of the Whole Universe,” says Dennis William Hauck in The Emerald Tablet. In Distillation, we become far more interested in the greater good than merely in our own. It is the transformational stage where we are spiritually and emotionally mature enough to merge with the collective conscious and unconscious without being overwhelmed. The ego no longer controls us and we can therefore experience and appreciate the mysteries of collective and personal material without the its intrusion.

Distillation creates authentic spiritual experience that embraces the light as well as the dark. (By dark, I mean the mysterious, unconscious, unexpressed - I am not referring to what we call “evil,” which is actually a misuse of the dark.) Many spiritual and religious philosophies teach that our task is to reject and avoid discomfort and seek only an idealistic realm of experience. These ideas only further the belief that when we experience darker aspects of life that we must be doing something wrong.

A distilled person has a mature perception of things. S/he does not expect life to meet egoistic expectations, nor does s/he view it as a devastating disappointment just because it doesn’t meet those expectations. A distilled person works with the Soul, rather than the ego, to create her/his life. S/he surrenders to the higher forces while celebrating and honoring the existence of the lower ones.

A medieval alchemical drawing shows a well from which are emerging the masculine sun and the feminine moon. This depicts the process in distillation of arising from the depths of the lower work into a balanced relationship with both higher and lower aspects of being. Also in the picture is a pelican shown pecking at her breast until she draws blood that she then feeds to her young. This represents the wise choice we are asked to make if we are sincere in our intentions to become spiritually advanced. At some point we are required to make a sacrifice that benefits the greater good. This is not a melodramatic sacrifice for that is no sacrifice at all. It’s just more ego drama. The true sacrifice is one based upon the origin of the word: making an act sacred rather than self-serving.

Stage VII: Coagulation

In Alchemy, a whole person is one who has traveled through all the lower stages: calcination (burning out the ego’s control), dissolution (redeeming the emotions), separation (deciding what’s important) - many times! - and has then moved into numerous explorations of the stage of conjunction to discover the heart. A whole person welcomes Putrefaction-Fermentation, Distillation, and Coagulation, which is where wholeness is confirmed. But even though Coagulation is the final stage, the end is just the beginning. This is no resting place, for it requires more responsiveness than ever before, more discomfort than when we were at varying degrees of unconsciousness, and more vision of how our moment to moment decisions can affect entire universes. It is also filled with ineffable experience that we may never have imagined possible.

Few people reach a point of complete Coagulation. Most of us must continue to go through all of the stages again and again, each time further refining the golden essence within us. Just as it takes miners effort, toil, and time to uncover riches within the earth, our struggles to find our inner Gold are ultimately worth it all.

[thegracegatsby]

this post is all over the place but here’s a super long update if you care lmao 

So it’s officially been one month since i’ve been on this marketing internship in Prague which is basically working a full time marketing job without the pay (duh, Grace) lol I really thought I was going to be filing papers and going on coffee runs, but nope this is the real deal. I didn’t even get a day to fix my jetlag nor was I eased into the job. The day after I arrived I had 15 minutes to learn about all the projects everyone was working on, got acquainted with the office and the other interns, then started on all my tasks. To give you an idea of what I’ve been up to, my first week here I had to think of several marketing ideas for a local company and had to present them to the owner. The Stress and nerves had me on bed rest that weekend ngl lol. The owner loved the presentation, but I couldn’t help but be so hard on myself. I felt so underprepared I didn’t expect to be thrown into the field at full speed. I literally felt like the Mr. Krabs meme. I was shookington. I thought college and a regular part time job was hectic, but wow I was not prepared for job that required 110% of my time and mind. What I mean by that is I was/am technically working on four different projects and each of them need to be unique aka I can’t repeat ideas. I learned to trust myself and just trust that if I did my best…. it would just had to be enough. I can only learn from my mistakes and find a way to improve myself every day. Those “do one thing to be better than yesterday” quotes were always cute, but they have been extremely relevant this summer. That’s been such an important lesson and habit. Some other things I was up to is sometimes the company gets invited to special private events so so far I’ve attended two events. The first one being some networking event with a panel so different CEO’s discussed the future of tech & marketing and answered questions, then another event where the communications director of Manolo (shoe goals) spoke on the brand. Even got to meet her she was so sweet! Last week I got sent on my first official business trip to Poland to meet with different Korean companies at an expo! I had to basically see and negotiate potential products to market in the US and Latin America. Crazy. I loved every second of it. I’ve been meaning to write for a few weeks now so my thoughts are probably a little all over the place, but now is when I feel like I finally have the time and energy to sit down and catch up on a blog even if no one reads this lmaoo. It’s wild how a month and a half ago I left my job at the bank with a heavy heart and had my summer classes get cancelled/wasn’t able to register for any new one’s since they were all full. I was so close to doing nothing all summer except go job hunting again so this trip was such a blessing. It’s super challenging I’m not gonna lie. I feel like I’ve grown so much from being here. I’ve had to get out of my comfort zone in every single sense of the word. I’ve had to depend on myself mentally and emotionally in different ways than I’ve had to back home. I know this sounds super dramatic lol, but honestly this is the first time I’ve been away from my home, family, friends, city, for more than two weeks. Taking such a huge step without my family around has been difficult. It’s how I imagine it would have been like if I moved away for college. I’m going through “real life with training wheels” because I’m staying with family here so I’m not 100% on my own, but that’s the farthest thing from perfect. Like.. my extended family is going through some hell shit and I feel like I’m in the middle of it so I can’t escape it. I guess that’s where my desperate homesickness comes from. I was SO ready to go home I even asked if I could book a flight after TWO weeks of being here. That’s how desperate I was to go back home. I never talk about my personal life, but I will say that my actual home life, thankfully, is healthy. No relationship/family is perfect don’t get it twisted, but my parents learned from the mistakes of their families/friends and tried very hard to raise my sibling and I in a peaceful home. Don’t take this as the “I’m the best because my parents don’t hate each other can’t relate sweetie (: just be happy and drink tea” way because that’s not what I’m saying at all lol. Sadly, toxic families are everywhere, but reading/hearing about a household that is going through a nasty divorce with unhealthy drama happening every single day is completely different than actually experiencing/witnessing it with my own two naked eye balls. Especially from my own relative. I know this makes me sound immature or naive or whatever, but I mean… I’ve never lived anywhere else so I never knew anything other than my own family dynamic ya know? My empathy for children and teenagers who have to go through what I’ve been seeing on a daily basis has grown so much. Again, this isn’t a show off way of me saying “my life is semi-perfect” (no one’s is) I’m literally saying the change has helped me understand and appreciate the importance of a healthy home so much which… isn’t a bad thing. I’d rather learn this now seeing it from afar than with regret later on in my life. I’m genuinely so heartbroken and empathetic for every single person going through this much toxicity especially my own cousin who will have to grow up with the issues her parents are making alone. The biggest takeaway is I know what the fuck NOT to tolerate in relationships. If I thought my tolerance was low, now it’s even lower I’m not putting up with any bullshit ever wow. Now none of this would matter if I only got to work then go home and mind my business, but nah it’s not like that. An argument happened? Guess who gets some insults and bad attitude. Me. Since why did my extended family think it’s okay to disrespect and insult me for everything??? Don’t even get me started on the side comments about my weight :)) All I do is try to stay hydrated and mind my business! lmaofdnsfds. I guess that’s where the mental and emotional challenge comes from. I’ve never been a super emotional person literally the last time I cried from emotion was the day of the musical in high school because I messed up on stage and was super embarrassed. That was literally 4 years ago in April. I’ve had like two mental breakdowns already not including the countless times I’ve had to calm myself down, do some breathing exercises, and mentally try to disconnect from the fuckery. The hardest times being when I’m in public. I NEVER talk back tho which is weird because I hardly ever bite my tongue I’m quick to defend myself, but deep down I know the aggression stems from all these problems.. plus I try to tell myself it’s not that deep and I’m leaving in less than a month. I know I won’t have to deal with this ever ever again. Also honestly staying quiet gets everyone on my side because people see the way I’m spoken to and are like “wtf ignore it you’re doing great”. Lol I wish I could go into more detail because there is SO much tea I can spill, but for privacy (and maybe legal idk?) reasons I’m going to stay quiet. Another intern who started seeing the verbal abuse asked me about everything so I confided in her about all the drama and she’s like “wooow everything makes sense things were worse when before you got here” kjndvdf we were super tight it was so great :’) but she left and everything changed when the fire nation attacked. Honestly, everyone I work/have worked with have been so great. I only got close with like two or three tho but still everyone is so nice lol. So yeah even though the work experience here is amazing and something I will value for the rest of my life, the home life aspect is fucked up. I’m even trying to convince my parents to sell this plot to Lifetime lmao it’s THAT dramatic. *sigh* Some other news is I was supposed to be in Spain right now. I literally Uber’ed myself and my grandmother all the way to the airport yesterday morning, show up to the check-in counter with a smile and bags in hand just so they could tell me “Sorry, you don’t show up on our system” to my face. I’ve never had an issue with my flight so the room was spinning a lil and was low key panicking because 1. English isn’t anyone’s first language here 2. I was abroad and had no idea what to do because I didn’t even make the reservation so I had to call two different airlines and try to resolve the MESS, but nothing was resolved they fucked up my booking from the beginning so only my return flight was paid for not the departure :) so after easily deciding I was NOT going to pay $580 for a one-way outbound ticket, I had to quickly figure out my next move. (PRO TIP: ALWAYS BOOK DIRECTLY WITH COMPANIES THEY’LL WORK WITH YOU AND REFUND YOU IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG. EVEN IF YOU SEE A CHEAPER PRICE ON ONE OF THOSE TRAVEL SITES SOMEONE TOLD ME THEY’LL PRICE MATCH YOU AND EVEN GIVE YOU DIFFERENT FLIGHT ACCOMMODATIONS LIKE CHANGING LAYOVER FLIGHTS IT’S MAGICAL). Everyone I’m living with went to Spain the day before, so after bending over backwards to try and get the house key from my grandmother who already passed through security (she couldn’t wait for me bc the guy at security had 5 min to wheelchair her to her gate), I found a way to contact her (a blessing bc if not I would have had to stay at a hotel or something) and had her hand me the keys back to our place. I didn’t have the patience to take a bus back to the city so I paid the extra fare to Uber back home. The weird part is I’m not even mad. After calling the airlines, contacting my parents, contacting my family already in Spain that I wouldn’t be going, I was just… chilling. Got some groceries and I’ve been living la vida loca just eating and watching netflix lol. Sure, I wanted to go see a new country and even try to see the town my great grandparents were from, but if there’s anything I learned this year is… everything happens for a reason. I think it would have been an amazing trip, but there’s a reason I didn’t get to travel this weekend. Theres a reason I had to leave my job at the bank. Theres a reason I’m here in Prague in the first place. There’s a reason I’m witnessing this entire Mess. I guess there’s some growth in that too you know what I mean? Younger me would have probably combusted in hatred and be extremely negative and complain that “my life sucks” when in reality it’s fine it’s just in general, shitty things happen…. but life won’t stop for anybody not even me. On the bright side, some good lessons came out of this experience. Forget 2016, this was the real year of realizing things™. I’m going back to Miami with a completely different drive and mindset. For example, I knew school is important and I get good grades, but my attitude towards my education is COMPLETELY different now. Being “good” just isn’t good enough for me anymore. With my grades now I could get into a “good” grad school, but now I don’t even want “good” I want something better. I want great I want the best I want to work my ass off to get into an AMAZING school. I still don’t know everything or even want I want 100%, but this trip has helped me change how I plan to approach/execute my future goals. That “oh I guess I’ll work someday idk that’s a long time from now so I don’t care I’ll worry about it another day” won’t cut it anymore. Now that I’m thinking about it, a lot of things need changing when I get back. Which speaking of getting back, I’m counting down the days I’m so excited I leave at the end of the month ayee!! Lol okay I feel like I’m just rambling at this point. There were a few more things I wanted to say buut………… I forgot it so I’ll just end it here and make a new post if I remember lol. Even if no one reads this, future me will and she’ll remember how the Ctrl album from SZA was playing in the background while writing this and probably cringe at how bittersweet this whole experience/year has been.

TLDR I learned a lot on this internship (good and bad) and I’m basically going back home a new person :-)

[writingforshalyn-blog]

October 29th 2019. I used to have dead eyes.

I look back at old pictures of me and I get this horrible feeling in my stomach because even if I'm smiling in those pictures, I remember what I was feeling during those moments. I frequently would have a breakdown and then turn around and take a picture smiling, but my eyes always gave me away. I thought I had a horribly ugly smile as a teenager. I didn’t like the way I looked and my smile made me look worse. It’s really only now as I’m typing this that the reason I looked “ugly” back then was because my eyes were dead, so the smile was dead too.

I feel myself slipping into a depression more and more as the sun fades and seeing old pictures just gives me a horrible feeling in my stomach. Sometimes it's hard not to hold resentment towards all the people who saw me like that, every day, breaking down so  often and never doing anything to help me. I was a kid and was doing the most hurtful things to myself, physically, emotionally, and mentally, and none of those feelings ever got validated. I was always being dramatic or a cry baby. A part of me still holds the mindset that I had back then, the part where I wanted to die even more than I naturally did just so the people around me would wake up and realize what they had neglected for years, and, more frequently, what they had done to make everything worse. Some people are easier to forgive than other ones. 

My brother, for example, is easy to forgive. He was cruel and mean. Maybe the most outwardly mean out of anyone. He would call me fat, ugly. He would tell me that I had no friends. He would steal from me. I disliked him a lot and at some points I genuinely feel like a part of me almost hated him. But a bigger part of me loved him, loved him for the fact that we shared the experience of living with our toxic father. Loved him for his humor and loved him for the times that we did get along, for the childhood games we made up together, for the movies we would watch on repeat together (Gatsby, Wolf of Wallstreet, SpiderMan, and Footloose, to name a few). I never wanted him to get into trouble for being mean, not really. I just wanted someone to make him stop was all. I think he probably held the same attitude towards me. I also think that was probably why we physically got into it as frequently as we did. We didn’t want to get dad or stepmom involved, we just wanted the other to knock the shit off. I was never an angel in any of our fights. From punching each other in the face, to smashing the others hand or foot, to busted lips, to screaming and pulling knives on each other, to all the spoken attacks on each other, horrible harsh things said to each other. He is the easiest one to forgive out of all of my family. He’s my baby brother, 5 years younger than me. I should have known better than to be as immature as I was towards him. I shouldn’t have engaged with him physically, should have never been the way I was to him. But I did, no matter what, always have his back when my dad came for him. I would frequently intervene between my dad and other people in the house. I would tell him to leave blane alone, to ground him and make him stay in his room but not to hit him. I couldn’t stand to listen to the sounds, the hits and the screams. It makes my stomach churn remembering. I never cared what blane had done to me or to anybody when my dad took it there. I immediately, at least for a period of time, forgave him. I just wanted him left alone. All the years of us fighting and my dad preaching, screaming, wailing at us to love each other and to take care of each other. Interesting now that I think it’s fair to say me and blane share a lot of love for each other. I think I love blane more than I love my dad, really. Part of me says that’s not true, that I love my dad more than any other person on this entire earth. The realist part of me says I hate him. That he is the last person I would go to for advice, for a friend, for a hug, for help, or to spend any time with in general. Blane can at least respectfully disagree with whatever it is that I say. My dad can never. 

My dad is harder to forgive. Well, yes and no. He is harder to forgive because of everything good he has done for me, I get the feeling that it was done for show, to show other people how good of a guy he was. He didn’t take us on trips to give us a good time, he took us on trips to say that he had enough money to take us on trips. Everything he ever did that was positive feels like it was all to create his image, to prove a point, the point that you can come from nothing and still make it. I fundamentally believe that he has that goal in mind with every single decision he makes. He is so interwoven with the belief that he is the God of Morals. His moral code is the right one. He is a Good Man, a Humble Man from Humble Beginnings. He reminds us every time we pass the projects that he lived there once. He has a tattoo on him that says Product of Public Housing. And to the outside world? What a man he is. He extends himself into other peoples’ lives to help them with whatever it is they need help with; If he deems them worthy enough, or if he deems they’ll give him extra brownie points for helping. For example, if he knows of someone and he dislikes them, he will reserve his help EXCEPT in the event that helping them will make him look even better, for being the bigger man. It’s a fine line between being the bigger man because you have that character in you and only seeming to be the bigger man due to some fabricated story you’ve told yourself and everyone else around you. 

Afterall, how could I  forgive the man that’s been so close to my face screaming at me that spit hits me in the face? How can I ever move past that? Move past the man who never let me forget that he is the only parent I have, that I should appreciate him for what he’s done for me. The man that has convinced me that there is something fundamentally fucking wrong with me making me unable to be loved. The reason that I can’t stand to hear a door slam (even from several rooms or several floors over). The echo of screams from the upstairs attic room, the slamming, the nose bleeds, the suffocation of both mother figures I’ve ever had, the meth maker, the hells angel in the flesh. How can I ever forgive the man who looked his daughter right in her eyes after seeing cuts on her young teenage arm and told her “I better not see any more of those” as cold as could be?

I think the answer is possibly that I never really forgive him. I don’t ever forgive or forget the horrors I’ve seen in my life thanks to him, but rather I am eager and beyond willing to pretend they didn’t happen when he is happy with me. When he is loving and needs my approval, when he hugs me and asks me if I need anything from him. When he doesn’t scream but just talks to me like a human, when he confides in me. It’s those moments that I pretend I have never seen any other version of him. I must savor those moments, those moments full of love. I cling to them hoping that each one is a new beginning for each of us, a beginning of understanding each other and being completely honest to one another. 

They have never been new beginnings for either of us, they have only been the transition from one trauma to another.

One night when he had told me to get out of his house (I was probably in 6th or 7th grade) if I didn’t like something I decided to listen to him. I gathered up my belongings, a blanket, a pillow, my phone, and went to the field behind our house. I lay down under a tree, a small one to note. It was chilly but not cold, had to have been an early summer night. I wanted to never go back again. I looked up at the stars and genuinely felt like I was better off in an empty field than to be in the same house as him. That was still a relatively new feeling for me. I eventually heard him calling my name and still didn’t return. I knew he would probably find me eventually, but not for a while. The thing that scared me into going back was the sirens, I thought he had called the police. So I walked back home and was immediately confronted. Where had I gone, why had I left. The thing that stuck out from that night were these words: “You have to live in the real world, not this fantasy world. This isn’t a book, you aren’t a dramatic character, you’re a real person and you have to stop being so dramatic.” It’s one of the worst things he has ever said to me. It broke me. For him to call my feelings a fantasy, for me leaving the house when he told me to if I didn’t like it there, for me becoming more and more depressed and more and more closed off to everyone but especially him, he tells me I’m just being dramatic? That I’m acting like I’m a character in a book? I imagine the same thing went through his head when he found out I was cutting myself (the first and second time he figured out).

But alas, I pretend none of it happened when he is kind. I desperately want, present tense, a parent figure that I can rely on. I was never given one, I have no parent figure to count on. He is mean, steph is on drugs, and susan isn’t here. I am alone in the world and that terrifies me. Part of me thinks he knows it, and maybe he’s even the one who put those thoughts into my head. That I’m alone, that the only people I have in the world are him and blane. 

I am trying to be okay with being alone, with nobody but myself. I have myself always, and I can always add more people if I ever deem fit. I can no longer live trying to give him the storybook ending that he refuses to acknowledge is, in fact, storybook. Maybe I will do nothing meaningful in this lifetime, maybe I will be no one’s mother, maybe I will be no one’s wife or daughter (at least, not a good daughter). But I will be a human, and I will have feelings. I will work on myself, in a genuine way, not just to build a reputation for myself. And unlike him, I won’t care about who notices it (hopefully). He can no longer control me in the ways that he has my whole life. I won’t go back to having dead eyes.

[timclymer]

Breast Cancer – True Secrets of Understanding and Healing

A great deal of research has been devoted to the treatment of cancer in the last 60 years. High tech treatments are now being developed which can increase survival rates and reduce the terrible side effects of the highly toxic drugs and radiation which are the foundations of most medical cancer treatments. New surgical techniques including arthroscopic have greatly aided doctors in removing tumors. Indeed, medical science has every reason to be both proud and optimistic about the prospects of cancer treatment in the 21st Century.

But very little research has been done on the psychological causes of cancer. Why, for example, are certain cancers like breast, colon, and prostate cancer such epidemics in our society? This kind of research could not only help us to change the structures of our culture to greatly reduce the incidence of such diseases, it could give us a wealth of information on how to cure these afflictions. As a hypnotherapist who has specialized in accessing these underlying causes for 25 years of work with cancer patients I have discovered some important answers to this question.

Take breast cancer. According to recent research one out of every eight women will suffer breast cancer in her lifetime. 20 years ago that figure was one in ten. To describe this as a growing epidemic is a serious understatement. But it seems to me that not enough doctors and scientists are asking “why breast cancer?”

Let me illustrate this with a medical mystery from the past. In 19th century England, during the peak of the first industrial revolution, it is estimated that over 75% of deaths were attributed to a single disease: consumption. We now know that this epidemic was directly created by the acid-filled coal smoke that poured out of the chimneys of England’s factories and homes, combined with a virulent strain of tuberculosis which thrived in the cold damp climate, overcrowded tenements, and polluted air of England.

The prevalence of wool and coal dust in the filthy factories which employed children as young as six also contributed to this pandemic. Also contributing was an air of fatalism which dominated the collective consciousness of the time. Because everyone in this society saw the same thing all day long, the culture entered a kind of group hypnotic trance in which this kind of pandemic was seen as fate. It was simply assumed that most people died before forty of lung disease.

While doctors worked hard, and mostly in vain, to stem the tide of the epidemic with a number of treatments, very few had the foresight or the courage to challenge the social institutions which perpetuated this veritable holocaust. Nowadays it’s easy to point the finger at these ignorant doctors. We know that lungs are used for breathing, so we look at the stuff people were breathing in. A similarly pragmatic approach helped researchers determine the connection between lung cancer and smoking in the 1960’s. So what can we learn from these discoveries about the breast cancer epidemic of the late 20th and 21st Century?

To discover the meaning of this epidemic we need no advanced degree in biochemistry or oncology. We need simply to explore what breasts are used for, and study the way women’s breasts are being used in our culture. Obviously, the primary purpose of breasts is to feed babies. However a number of social changes over the last half century have led to a precipitous drop in breast feeding. These changes include women entering the work force in large numbers, replacement of breast feeding with infant formula, and the postponement or cancellation of child bearing by women who are career oriented. Like the industrial revolution of the 19th century, these changes have greatly improved many aspects of life, including giving women freedom to pursue many exciting goals outside of the home. I am no Taliban terrorist who would choose to roll back all the gains women have made in the last 60 years. But we have made these advances at the cost of an epidemic of breast cancer. And until now no one has been willing to see what we have created.

The research bears out this theory. Among the risk factors that predict higher rates of breast cancer we find some interesting statistics. If a woman waits till her thirties to have children, if she does not breast feed them, if she doesn’t have any children, all of these factors increase a woman’s statistical probability of getting breast cancer. Ask yourself this question: If you were a breast, and no one ever paid any attention to you, no one ever let you fulfill your purpose, what would you do?

Of course I don’t reveal these secrets unless I have an answer for them within the world of hypnotherapy. And there’s a simple answer here. While it is generally impossible to get my breast cancer clients into active breast feeding, I have found that it’s only necessary for the client to actively imagine themselves breastfeeding in order to stimulate breast tissue to repair itself. Some clients imagine the joy of breastfeeding their now grown children as infants through regression therapy. Some clients simply imagine breast feeding an inner child. Some clients are taught to hold a doll or stuffed animal and nurse it like a baby, sometimes using gentle massage on their breasts comparable to the squeezing associated with nursing. This produces pleasant tingling sensations within the breast which rapidly lead to a flow of healing hormones and blissful feelings throughout the body.

I am highly skeptical of overly simplistic theories about any disease process. So it’s important to keep in mind that only your breast knows what issues have led to its disease. Sometimes it is necessary to process feelings of loss, grief, or guilt that are associated with the client’s breasts. One client found her cancerous right breast was tired of “nursing” her emotionally immature husband, who always slept on her right side in bed. Another felt guilty about not nursing her children and needed to beg their forgiveness. One simple way to access the breast’s emotional baggage is to journey into the breast in a hypnotic state, or talk to the breast in hypnosis as if it were a person to find out what issues are haunting it. Notice that in both of these examples, the nurturing function of the breast was being twisted or neglected in some way.

The results? Stimulation of healthy circulation and activation of immune system activity within the breast as a result of all these processes have led to tumor reduction or elimination in a number of cases I have examined. Of course double blind studies in a hospital setting are still years away for this simple but effective treatment option, because there are no millions of dollars in profit to be made. So I recommend you do not wait for the medical industry to catch up with the obvious.

Remember all the doctors trying in vain to treat the consumptive patients of the 19th Century? Start creating the medicine of the future now…and let your doctor know what you are doing! Wherever possible, I encourage my clients to work closely with their oncologist. It seems to me that combining the methods described in this article with the latest in new medical treatments is the best formula for easy and complete recovery.

Source by David Quigley

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/breast-cancer-true-secrets-of-understanding-and-healing/ via Home Solutions on WordPress from Home Solutions FOREV https://homesolutionsforev.tumblr.com/post/187173424890 via Tim Clymer on Wordpress

[homesolutionsforev]

Breast Cancer – True Secrets of Understanding and Healing

A great deal of research has been devoted to the treatment of cancer in the last 60 years. High tech treatments are now being developed which can increase survival rates and reduce the terrible side effects of the highly toxic drugs and radiation which are the foundations of most medical cancer treatments. New surgical techniques including arthroscopic have greatly aided doctors in removing tumors. Indeed, medical science has every reason to be both proud and optimistic about the prospects of cancer treatment in the 21st Century.

But very little research has been done on the psychological causes of cancer. Why, for example, are certain cancers like breast, colon, and prostate cancer such epidemics in our society? This kind of research could not only help us to change the structures of our culture to greatly reduce the incidence of such diseases, it could give us a wealth of information on how to cure these afflictions. As a hypnotherapist who has specialized in accessing these underlying causes for 25 years of work with cancer patients I have discovered some important answers to this question.

Take breast cancer. According to recent research one out of every eight women will suffer breast cancer in her lifetime. 20 years ago that figure was one in ten. To describe this as a growing epidemic is a serious understatement. But it seems to me that not enough doctors and scientists are asking “why breast cancer?”

Let me illustrate this with a medical mystery from the past. In 19th century England, during the peak of the first industrial revolution, it is estimated that over 75% of deaths were attributed to a single disease: consumption. We now know that this epidemic was directly created by the acid-filled coal smoke that poured out of the chimneys of England’s factories and homes, combined with a virulent strain of tuberculosis which thrived in the cold damp climate, overcrowded tenements, and polluted air of England.

The prevalence of wool and coal dust in the filthy factories which employed children as young as six also contributed to this pandemic. Also contributing was an air of fatalism which dominated the collective consciousness of the time. Because everyone in this society saw the same thing all day long, the culture entered a kind of group hypnotic trance in which this kind of pandemic was seen as fate. It was simply assumed that most people died before forty of lung disease.

While doctors worked hard, and mostly in vain, to stem the tide of the epidemic with a number of treatments, very few had the foresight or the courage to challenge the social institutions which perpetuated this veritable holocaust. Nowadays it’s easy to point the finger at these ignorant doctors. We know that lungs are used for breathing, so we look at the stuff people were breathing in. A similarly pragmatic approach helped researchers determine the connection between lung cancer and smoking in the 1960’s. So what can we learn from these discoveries about the breast cancer epidemic of the late 20th and 21st Century?

To discover the meaning of this epidemic we need no advanced degree in biochemistry or oncology. We need simply to explore what breasts are used for, and study the way women’s breasts are being used in our culture. Obviously, the primary purpose of breasts is to feed babies. However a number of social changes over the last half century have led to a precipitous drop in breast feeding. These changes include women entering the work force in large numbers, replacement of breast feeding with infant formula, and the postponement or cancellation of child bearing by women who are career oriented. Like the industrial revolution of the 19th century, these changes have greatly improved many aspects of life, including giving women freedom to pursue many exciting goals outside of the home. I am no Taliban terrorist who would choose to roll back all the gains women have made in the last 60 years. But we have made these advances at the cost of an epidemic of breast cancer. And until now no one has been willing to see what we have created.

The research bears out this theory. Among the risk factors that predict higher rates of breast cancer we find some interesting statistics. If a woman waits till her thirties to have children, if she does not breast feed them, if she doesn’t have any children, all of these factors increase a woman’s statistical probability of getting breast cancer. Ask yourself this question: If you were a breast, and no one ever paid any attention to you, no one ever let you fulfill your purpose, what would you do?

Of course I don’t reveal these secrets unless I have an answer for them within the world of hypnotherapy. And there’s a simple answer here. While it is generally impossible to get my breast cancer clients into active breast feeding, I have found that it’s only necessary for the client to actively imagine themselves breastfeeding in order to stimulate breast tissue to repair itself. Some clients imagine the joy of breastfeeding their now grown children as infants through regression therapy. Some clients simply imagine breast feeding an inner child. Some clients are taught to hold a doll or stuffed animal and nurse it like a baby, sometimes using gentle massage on their breasts comparable to the squeezing associated with nursing. This produces pleasant tingling sensations within the breast which rapidly lead to a flow of healing hormones and blissful feelings throughout the body.

I am highly skeptical of overly simplistic theories about any disease process. So it’s important to keep in mind that only your breast knows what issues have led to its disease. Sometimes it is necessary to process feelings of loss, grief, or guilt that are associated with the client’s breasts. One client found her cancerous right breast was tired of “nursing” her emotionally immature husband, who always slept on her right side in bed. Another felt guilty about not nursing her children and needed to beg their forgiveness. One simple way to access the breast’s emotional baggage is to journey into the breast in a hypnotic state, or talk to the breast in hypnosis as if it were a person to find out what issues are haunting it. Notice that in both of these examples, the nurturing function of the breast was being twisted or neglected in some way.

The results? Stimulation of healthy circulation and activation of immune system activity within the breast as a result of all these processes have led to tumor reduction or elimination in a number of cases I have examined. Of course double blind studies in a hospital setting are still years away for this simple but effective treatment option, because there are no millions of dollars in profit to be made. So I recommend you do not wait for the medical industry to catch up with the obvious.

Remember all the doctors trying in vain to treat the consumptive patients of the 19th Century? Start creating the medicine of the future now…and let your doctor know what you are doing! Wherever possible, I encourage my clients to work closely with their oncologist. It seems to me that combining the methods described in this article with the latest in new medical treatments is the best formula for easy and complete recovery.

Source by David Quigley

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/breast-cancer-true-secrets-of-understanding-and-healing/ via Home Solutions on WordPress

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Get true love back | Love Marriage Solution

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Get true love back | Love Marriage Solution

Get true love back | Love Marriage Solution

Get true love back | Love Marriage Solution – A question which every person want to ask who has lost their love due to any reason. As we all know that love is an important bond of life and us cent leaves without this then why we lose it because of any small reason first I m writing how love is important and what happened when we lose our love.

Love is a very strong feeling and acts like a connection between two people. Love is an eminent feeling that makes a relationship very strong and also acts as a booster for it. It nourishes the relationship and makes it stronger and stronger day by day.

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It is a very common known thing that each and every person on this earth has fallen in love at some stage of their life and lucky are the one who gets their soul mate and lives a happy life but hard becomes the life of those who do not get love in return for love they give their partner.

Life is really not easy for them who love their heart out but in return get nothing. There are people who once upon a time were desperately fallen in love and dedicated their some part of life which becomes a painful soar for a lifetime.

There are people who move on in their life when they face separation due to any reason but there are some people who can never move on and are always in love with that one person.

They never move on in their life and always want them to get back in their life but it is an imaginary wondering for them because if they really wanted to live they would have never left. The hopeless wait remains always in the process but this wait can get over and the solution is only in astrology and Vashikaran.

Online Love Astrologer

Our Vashikaran and astrology expert has solved many love problems and even the problems that people have lost hope that they will ever get the solution if it. He has solved very difficult issues and has also given the best solution which today is also appreciated.

If you have love issues in which you have got separated but want your partner to get back in your life then one really needs to visit him as he is the right destination for all your problems.

HOW TO GET MY LOVE BACK BY VASHIKARAN

Get true love back | Love Marriage Solution – There are people who mostly take the help of Vashikaran and astrology with a feeling of gat my love back in their life. It can be both their ex or the new love. It is very usual and many of us has felt this also when one gets ditched then the feelings are destroyed in a very destructive manner because somewhere one feels love to be everything and ditching in it destroys there everything.

Life starts to move on a different path. If one really went to get my love back by Vashikaran then one really needs to follow the instructions provided by our specialist. The very first thing for a healthy relationship is to keep patience, faith, and trust on your better half and the very second thing is to keep a positive approach towards your partner and the most basic and important factor is to keep yourself and him/her happy to get my love back type of problem.

These are very simple methods to follow and then about astrology, all one can say that it has also played a very important role in this matter. No one is better than our Pandit Ji who can give you a perfect and incomparable life because the solutions given by him are appropriate.

Is it effects in one-sided love to get my love back?

Get true love back | Love Marriage Solution – it is very effective for the people who have one-sided love. Usually, there are so many people who are not getting the same love that is doing to the other person. If you are one of those who wants to improve your relationship then Vashikaran specialist is one of those perfect methods through which you can solve your love problem as it is used to control a person’ mind and gets attracted towards the other.

The person on whom Vashikaran is performed starts working like a dummy and the victims start working accordingly so all in total one can full fill all your desires through this.

The problems you can get solved as they are working as a hurdle in getting back of my love:

Boyfriend/girlfriend problems.

Marriage problems.

Divorce or breakup.

Controlling husband/wife.

Controlling boyfriend/girlfriend.

Getting the love from the person of your choice.

The Vashikaran specialist and expert help in solving all your love problems and especially when you want to get back your love as he will provide you with the best love solutions like enchanting mantras or giving a love locket or a Vashikaran mantra. He also performs various types of Totke and Tarike that are very effective and are always successful.

How to bring my ex-love back:-

When love ditches you and the lover in you feel cheated and deceived, there are a lot of negativities surrounding you because of which you are emotionally broken and losing the track of your path you prepared for yourself. You are disturbed and confused about your emotions and the loneliness that sinks in deep to your bone.

No relations are ever perfect, they have to pass through barriers small or big with flying colors but this is not possible in the case of every couple get my love back. Every relationship has its flaws, while some try to overcome it, the others stick to them, finding faults in each other and thus developing the vibes that are evil and not very pleasing how to get my love back in my life.

This can make both the partners very uncomfortable in the company of each other and bring my love back a decline which is reflected in their compatibility. so you can meet world famous Solution to get my ex-love back.

HOW TO GET MY LOVE BACK BY VASHIKARAN MANTRA

Get true love back Vashikaran Mantra | Love Marriage Vashikaran Mantra – How to bring love back into a relationship through the uncomfortable aura the couple share with each other, there is a development of a shift in the behavior of both the individuals how to get my love back by the Vashikaran mantra, They tend to be irritated by the actions of the other which were pleasing before. The stress is building up creating its own outbreak among the two gets my love back now.

Things do not go well, anxiety hits them, and they decide to separate ways. Obviously, this feeling has been experienced by everyone at some point in their lives how to bring my love back to me.Relationships can mold you and destroy you at the same time. It is a complex emotion.

How to get my love back by Vashikaran mantra Being will get my love back astrology is the best feeling but can turn out to be one of the biggest regrets and an immature decision. But it is not very easy to move on with how to get your love back in life. The idea of break up traumatizes you dragging you into the world of loneliness, grief, and sorrow.

your best to make things work, the lucky ones win their love back, but the remaining fail to sink bring my love back in their lives. And we want to know the answer that how to get my love back is there any method.

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If you are looking to get a girlfriend I can tell you firstly hand who’s isn’t easy. Finding a woman who fits the wants and desires of a guy today may not be easy. Women are looking for a lot from the guy today that it often appears like even if you look for a girlfriend it’s more of your burden than it really is a delight. Isn’t there a less strenuous way, I mean surely there exists a place somewhere that every the excellent girls are hiding. A place where guys can meet ladies who still like to cook their man a dinner and clean the house.

Understanding how to be considered a good wife centers on finding out how to become supportive to your husband. We all want our partner to be our biggest fan and support us in everything we all do. Your husband isn’t any different. Regardless of what his dreams and aspirations are, you need to get right there behind him pushing him to accomplish his goals. It’s easy to lose sight of how important it is to be immediately beside your better half helping them to get the best person they can. If he knows he is able to look to you personally to aid and help him regarding his goals in daily life, he’ll always feel emotionally connected for your requirements.

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Firstly ensure that jane is not crazy in behavior. If it is then make sure that you’re a mile away from this sort of girl. This is not bull crap. Girls this way have violent tendencies like threatening to kill her-self, calling every 5 minutes to learn where you stand, and continued. It would be tough to turn away see your face out there girls. Because mind it, these girls are damn hot, don’t know why, and now we boys have tendency to discover these. So have a treatments for yourself when meeting such type.

Straightforward buzzfeed.com Secrets – What’s NeededFilipina females who are looking for Western men’re actually looking for someone strong, that’s, someone that is financially and emotionally stable enough to LEAD a family. Unfortunately, most men’re typically immature ahead of the chronilogical age of 40, so it’s not surprising that numerous Filipina women forgive any Western man’s imperfections and settle for someone older.Choosing Swift Secrets Of your bride review

Focus On Showing Him You’ve Changed Before You Focus On Trying To Get Him Back: Some of the most difficult things that wife would have to overcome was the husband’s feelings that her changes were “too little too late” or them to be only manufactured to have him back for the forseeable future, at which time she would probably revert to her old ways.

A large number of guys believe that a good wife can be a nymphomaniac that owns a brewery. No, this is simply not an excellent wife. It’s not even an excellent idea. A good wife is one who will be your partner, equal in stature but beneath your protection. So when hard decisions come, the husband has the responsibility of earning the ultimate decision. The buck stops with the husband. It’s not a position of power, but a situation of sacrificial leadership. The husband takes the rap. He defends his wife. She supports him helping to generate his role easier. Like two musketeers, they fight together, consecutive. A good wife will fight with you, not against you. She will end up like each of your arms, in this you should not function better without her at your side. You will never need to panic about her resulting in, because she’s going to be dedicated to you for a lifetime.

How Can You Save a Marriage? Read Here to See What I Did to Save My Marriage and What You Have to Do

First and foremost, the onus is on the person via FSU to be prepared to learn and exercise new cultural behaviors, traditions in an open and non-judgmental way. Make it a journey! Prior to arrival, make sure the newcomer understands the difficulties lying before him/her and stay encouraging ones to be effective challenging to overcome these differences.

$$$Avoiding a quarrel, may also be a vital take into account a great marriage: When a relationship is at where it requires saving, it does not take much to make words into an argument or fight. In Example, misplaced items, or leaving dirty dishes after dinner can be ordinary simple things, but those simple things can result in a disagreement or fight. When looking to talk your husband or wife into counseling, anything you do, do your very best in order to avoid a spat. Listen to your partner, and permit the anger die down.

Aside from honest communication, its also wise to make an effort to assess yourself. Assessing yourself can help you find the potential problems which may be in your marriage. For example, if you learned that you will be becoming hot-tempered once you as well as your spouse have small arguments, you will need to try your very best in changing that attitude as it might provoke you, or your spouse, in succeeding as angrier. This will surely make you having bigger arguments that simply helps to make the situation worse. By being calm and understanding, you and your spouse can peacefully talk things out and are available up with solutions for your problems.An Update On Clear-Cut Advice For brides.com

People belonging to happy marriages also make time for space. While people involved in happy marriages should enjoy hanging out with one other, spending some time faraway from the other person is every bit important. It does not matter just how much you adore the other person, treat one other well, and feel great inside presence of each other, we all have our unique and individual personalities that defined us before marriage. The time that you can take for yourself, creates an avenue through which it is possible to nourish and protect negligence your happy marriage that’s distinctively, you. Besides… being separated from your spouse as a way to nourish your individuality, makes time for your partner even more enjoyable. SO: Right. But it’s not about attempting to capture what you did before marriage. Rather, it’s something you share together. It doesn’t should be lunch. It could be bowling. Because if you know even throughout the busiest week you’re going to bond and do anything which you do–that’s what adds meaning to some marriage.

[whenvickymetcharles-blog]

Dear Charles,

I think about weddings a lot.

I know how much how much that frightens you, or at the very least, and makes you weary.

I think I go on about it a lot because well, I really do love weddings. I love the whites and the vivid colours and gorgeous floral and the dress and the gathering of people to celebrate the love that two people have that is so hard to contain they had to shout it to the world. But I also talk about it a lot because I’m always watching people’s reaction to the way I gush on about it. I’m noting all the little tips of their smiles or the worry line in their forehead or the forced chuckle and I tuck it away in the corners of my mind, knowing how those around me react to my bursts of enthusiasm and excitement.

I want to be with people who celebrate my passion and share my joy, even if they don’t always get it and even if they don’t always share the same sentiments.

I think, then, that when we broke up (although to be honest, you broke up with me) and I had to come to terms with the ending of us, I wanted to be okay with the fact that you never truly embraced my almost delusional fantasies.

I wonder if that was because--like you’ve said so many times over--that you weren’t ready for ‘that kind of commitment’. And I had to wonder if the undertone of that statement wasn’t a muted ‘with you’.

I can give you so many reasons as to why you could’t’ see a future with me. 

For starters, you think that I’m still too immature: emotionally and mentally. I always acted like forethought was an afterthought, and spent money as though I rightly deserved to. As though I wasn’t working some entry-level, dead end, unmotivated job that would never lead to a serious career.

I feel like maybe you don’t think I hear all the silent thoughts that run through your head, but I do. I just choose to block them out, sometimes, because if I didn’t and if I had to really buckle down and pay attention, I’ll need to face up to the scary truth that you just don’t respect me.

And you’ll never admit it, because you’re a good person. And good people don’t admit a basket case when they see one.

I’m frivolous, vain, vapid, coarse, hard-edged, impatient, easily triggered in all the wrong ways, pronounce things wrong, lazy, subject to bouts of emotional outbursts, oblivious, loud, combative, dramatic, needy, clingy and to be quite frank, pretty dumb sometimes.

Pretty dumb.

I don’t know if you’ve thought all those things at once when you think about me, but I’m sure you have. Sometimes I honestly think I embody all the worst traits of a person you can think of, and sometimes I think that makes you feel so repulsed by me.

On top of all of that, I cheated on you. Not physically, but the emotional weight of it is enough to neatly categorize me as one of the worst people you would ever have to deal with, and who’s hurt you immeasurably. 

Sometimes I think all the things I’ve put you through should make it impossible for you to ever come back to me.

I did a bad thing, and it was wrong, and I’ve said I was sorry. Do I think I deserve your forgiveness? No. But you forgave me anyway on the flimsy rationale that you love me.

And shouldn’t that be enough?

I don’t know.

I’ve wounded you. I’ve taken something so pure and I’m tainted it and a part of me knows that that would never go away.

So where did we go from there?

Was that why you punished me all those months ago? Was it why you gave up and refused to give us another chance even when I begged you? When my life fell apart around me and you were forced to put me back together again, was that why you treated me so unkindly? Was that why you still slept with me and made me think we had a chance, when you had already checked out? Was that why you closed the door on us altogether even when I screamed and pleaded with you to stay?

You haven’t forgiven me, and you don’t trust me anymore.

So I ask you, where is the hope for us if there’s nothing left in this relationship but harboured grief and anger and guilt?

When I spend time with you now and hear you talk about our future, my heart brims. I am the happiest I have been in the longest time and all I want to do is dedicate my entire self to you.

But then I stop and think of all the things you’ve done to me and all the awful things I’ve done to you and I wonder if we’ve hurt each other too much to be with each other anymore. What if the edges that we’ve carved into each other has made it too hard for us to fit together now?

What if there’s too much resentment between us? What if the good doesn’t outweigh the bad and instead it acts like a bandaid for all the horrible ways we’ve treated each other?

You’ve said you haven’t forgiven me for cheating -- it’s no excuse, and there will never be a reason to justify what I ever did. 

(And so) you walked out on me when I was at my lowest -- at a time in my life where I didn’t want to be alive-- you simply left me when I needed you and your love the most. Is there a reason to ever justify what you did?

Two wrongs do not make it right, and I am not trying to even the field by even remotely rationalising what I’ve done.

But that’s where I’m sitting.

I think a month ago, if you had broken up with me and then asked to get back together, I would have whole-heartedly said yes without missing a beat.

But it was a month of being forced to grow up, with coming to face with all my shortcomings and every flaw that essentially held me together at the seams that I’ve realised at my worst, I still deserved to be loved.

And that that love had to come from within, and not an external factor that will always be extinguishable. It was a difficult lesson to accept that not everyone I loved stayed, or that I should bound myself to those who didn’t deserve me.

I fantasized about weddings all the time. I daydream about the shades of white, the intoxicating love and the fairytale reality that brings two people together to devote themselves to one another. I wish and want so badly a wedding, because I think all the moments that lead up to one are all the elements that were meant as practice to build a lifetime together.

I think to everyone else, a wedding is just one wild party with expensive cake and posed photographs. But to me it’s so much more, because the crescendo of moments that build up to that one moment is what I’m looking for in a partner.

I want that joy and that spark and unshakable knowledge that I am loved. And I want to be able to provide that to the person I end up with.

So I don’t know where to go from here. There are so many reasons to leave, and just as many reasons to stay. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, and I don’t want to ever feel the suffering I went through in our relationship.

So where do we go from here? Can we really take the best parts of our relationship and grow from there? Can we help each other heal from the pain we’ve inflicted on each other?

Is it enough to say out loud that we will try? How many chances are we allotted in a lifetime? Do we have that kind of future for us? Can we be life partners, or are we better off as distant friends? Should we go back to being strangers? If I walk down the aisle, is it you that I want to see? Am I the one you want to start a family with?

I can’t be certain about anything when it comes to you, to us.