#also apparently gotta move out during a pandemic with no money

[cryptidsolo]

Vent in the tags! :)

[batarangsoundsdumb]

guess fucking what? my inbox is so fucking full right now i'm unloading all of this shit in one post.

For the 11th gotham memes: gothamites react to bruce being jacked in a tiktok he made with kids, like super yoked, ripped as hell

fucking hilarious thanks. i think i did it in one meme post, but i genuinely don't remember which one

i dunno which of the batfam would do this but one time i was sleeping over at a friends house and ended up on the floor bc the bed was so very small and i just stayed there because the rug was soft

that's a drunk jason move i don't know what to tell you

tim and jason are "i listen to pop punk" solidarity. whenever jason highjacks the batmobile theyll go on long ass car rides blaring mcr and paramore and then never talk about it again

as they should!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tim: no jason it's my turn using the aux cord i gotta put on my jams jason: don't you dare put on weird shit tim: don't worry, you're gonna love this *plays fearless (taylor's version)

hear me out hear me out, red hood stans 🤝 nightwing stans t h i g h s

holy shit yes.

SNL au: Bruce breaks character when pretending to superman and says something like "I'm not superman! You've seen his gps!! It's from 2001!!!" @sabeanybabe

superman flies past the snl building the next day just to say 'actually it's from 2005, i'm not a heathen'

does your back hurt from carrying the batfam fandom

it hurts more from the exotic rock collection i keep in my backpack, but thanks for the concern.

I love your posts by why would you always leave the best parts in the tags?

as a treat for the people that check the tags ;) (and also because i'm committed to the short post aesthetic)

somehow your playlist was everything i never knew i needed. i mean it. this is my new favorite playlist.

and don't you dare get a new favourite playlist!

babe ur stoner tim playlist is exactly too perfect, earth is literally blessed by ur existence

babe thanks so much! i love my stoner tim playlist because it's just my usual playlist but people think it's an artistic choice that i put taylor swift and britney spears in there, when it's just what i unironically like listening to

JANDKSKDK BILLY RAY CYRUS ON THE STONER TIM PLAYLIST I LOVE IT IT

again it's not even an ironic choice, i know every single word and i genuinely like the song

The last chapter of Fundamentals of Casework has me crying at work. Thanks I love it @dudelookitsalesbian

oh babe, i'm sorry, but also, not sorry i love chapter 4 so much it's my lovechild with the 'mental illness' tag

soooo....stumbled on your tumblr by some stroke of fate??? read your DC fanfic first. which is PHENOMENAL btw. then found all the batmemes; the funniest thing EVER bc everyone forgets about regular old gothamites. kept scrolling and your blog pops up as recommended. clicked on the ao3 for shits and giggles and waddaya know?!?!? it's YOU!!! you're LEGEND!!!! ever seen that meme? it's a video of a cat that got into a baseball field and the two announcers get really invested in his escape attempt and start giving a play by play of the cat instead of the game. memeable moment: "GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!"

i seriously think about this ask every single day and it's so fucking funny to me that i've never seen the meme you're referencing, but i still find myself going 'GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!' whenever i see something funny. but wow i'm glad you liked this steaming pile of garbage

Fav dc character overall? And fav batfamily character?

don't ask me to pick between the loves of my life, but i can tell you i've cried about every single batfamily member and also wally west (my beloved)

What's your opinion on fans having a problem with batfam being "too big"? And some even claim that batfam is just "Bruce Alfred Dick Damian" and the rest of them are just "friends and allies" (source: reddit) Personally, I like batfam because of this reason but idk

stupid. a family can never be too big. i'm not that big a fan of like huge batfam stuff with everybody from every single universe, because as much as it's funny for bruce to have like 30 kids, it just feels a little too OOC for me.

This is the best tag I've seen involving the batfam, thanks for thinking of it

This is canon now @nctxrejects

lmao yeah i think at that point alfred has had to sit through like at least a dozen coming out talks and just has a pride flag collection in the attic that he pulls out whenever a kid comes out

idk why batfam hits different as compared to any other superhero family

bc it's found family and usually the other superhero families are almost all genetically related in one way or another

I don't know if you watch the umbrella academy but I saw your last post about batcest and saw the similarities. But the thing is (although I think it's weird) in TUA, they addressed it by saying "they were raised as weapons, not siblings" or something along those lines, which is simply not the case with batfam.

yeah i watched tua but i also thought it was ridiculous and they still treated each other as siblings so i didn't like the luthor/allison thing, and am glad they stopped doing that shit bc it fucking sucked.

Hot take: Batcest shippers are the same people who believe adopted siblings are not actual siblings

smoking hot take: batcest shippers are the people who watch 'my sister got stuck in the washing machine' porn

Duke was adopted by Bruce?

not technically no, but do i, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb, look like i care?

True story but I had to change my freaking name because it used to be "Damien" and most people would go "OH LIKE DAMIAN WAYNE" like please I'm just tryna live

true story, but i don't actually think of damian when i hear the name damian, literally the first thing that pops up is damian darkh like bruh what?

apparently dc comics company supported comic stores by giving out new titles and stuff during the beginning of the pandemic to help them run and I just think that's wholesome

ah yeah that's so fucking cool, still don't like dc, the company, because this world is a capitalist hellhole and we're all owned by warner brothers or disney with no in between.

ayo looking at tumblr head canons and finding out bruce is actually a terrible father is a punch in the gut

lmao yes, in like 50% of comics bruce is a terrible father and it gives me whiplash

oooh I just saw the jason todd vs winter soldier post and the real question is: batman vs iron man

while iron man has like hundreds of cases of armor, batman could throw out an emp and have the guy dropping out of the sky in 2 seconds.

dickfast = fastdick = quickdick = quickie

magnum hot take

hey bata(?) just thought I'd let you know I have copied the obnoxious emoji and Billy Ray post for use on simping men going forth

thank you 😘🌷 (@spacebarsidecar)

why would you do that to your followers???? i get why i did it, but why would you???

what is scarecrow made the nightwing funko pop himself, like those diy-ers that paint over other ones

oh god no, horrible take, horrible take, that's a disgusting thought oh no

I see your HC that Bruce and Oliver fucked and raise you this: Dick and Roy ALSO fucked

yes they did and it was a horrible moment for jason to find out dick has fucked both of his best friends

"at this rate bruce adds like 1 child to his family every decade or so" Duke is introduced in 2013, Damian as Damian, not as an unnamed child, in 2006. And he is already 14 years old, Robins rarely remain Robins after 16 😬 It looks like a new Robin and Batkid will appear in a couple of years

i mean i can't wait? but somebody will probably die first tho, we're due for another major character death. my money's on either cass or duke this time.

BRO you're so right all of your Bruce's ex headcanons are amazing but they aren't ships, that's kinda wild. Like I don't want any peeks into how their relationship was I just want to see everyone make fun of them

lmao YES it's just i love bruce being a slut, like good for him.

I am in love with your posts your honour thank you

omg thanks are we like,, gonna kiss now?

The justice league needs to have a meeting to discuss how many of their members/partners have slept with bruce. Because through a combination of cannon & fannon (if DC wasn’t homophobic) we have AT LEAST: 1) clark 2) lois 3) oliver 4) dinah 5) john

Thats not counting villains or random civilians @dudelookitsalesbian

yes yes yes, they'll have a yearly meeting about how many of their collective exes could be out for revenge and batman's list just keeps getting longer.

tim was like "i'm drake now" and everyone was like ahh so your fursona is a dragon and tim was like pffffft no. ducks.

and what about it?

when steph's fighting livewire and she zaps her with lighting and nothing happens and then they both just. stand there awkwardly for a second and talk. yeah i couldn't stop laughing at that batgirl steph is the BEST

oh yeah that was fucking hilarious and i think it would be so cool and sexy of dc to give steph a little comic series,,, as a treat

Hi I absolutely adore all of yours "Bruce and Oliver very badly pretending they didn't fuck each other" memes

lmao i do too

I need you to know that “Bruce Wayne had frosted tips” is one of my favorite Bruce takes of all time it’s so galaxy brained. you’re right and you should say it

he also painted his hair blonde once when he was travelling and in conclusion, this is why he's being blackmailed by the gotham gazette.

you know my thing about gordon being branded as the only good cop in gotham is its a load of shit like arguably he's a good person and not working to screw people over or anything but the fact that he also works w. batman makes him a shit cop. like yea batman is better than the mob but its still illegal its still an abuse of power he just not making bank

babe, all cops are bad cops. (but yeah youre absolutely right, working with vigilantes makes you a shit cop, but also working against vigilantes just makes you an asshole cop yanno?)

ruh roh i think i’m about to add “so not yeehaw” every time i don’t like something

that's a very good vocabulary upgrade

somehow i feel like steph already knew. like babs obviously knew but i feel like bruce got high/drunk in front of steph and started telling his boarding school stories and steph was just like “oh you fucked up i’m never gonna forget this”

steph and bruce have weird uncle/rebellious niece dynamic and they just hang out sometimes and bruce will be like 'i once broke my arm when i tripped over a hedge when i was drunk so oliver drove me to the hospital on an electric scooter' and steph will just have to sit there with that knowledge in her head.

Hello I just wanted to tell you you are So right in all your steph opinions bc she is, in fact amazing and I think that's very sexy of you. Ps. Your Bruce/Oliver fic is hilarious

babe, thank you so much and yes steph is amazing and i love her and she deserves the world and she's the best member of the batfam hands down. also thanks

In Supersons we see a couple of kids that are implied to be Damian and Jon's children and the boy has laser eyes and can fly, so I asume he's not adopted. The girl, who calls Bruce grandpa, can also fly, btw. So it's canon (probably by accident) that Jon can have kids and he must have married one of Bruce's kids. (I'm hoping for Damian, mostly because any other of his children would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.) @artemisa97

lmao that was probably an accident seeing as jon is a 17 year old superhero in the year 3000 (by the jonas brothers)

You know, I'm a die hard fan of your memes, but I gotta say one thing: if Gothamites actually took gas mask everywhere with them, then the Scarecrow would just be a weird dude in a weird costume, and not a villain oh so scary. DC really should just takes notes from you.

bold of you to assume there's no gothamite anti-maskers

How does it feel being the funniest person on this app?

horrible, next question.

I can't listen to Green Day or Billy Joel without thinking of your post about how Bruce got arrested at a Billy Joel concert @nightwings-kid

yeah that's your mistake, i on the other hand can't enjoy billy joel without thinking about the glee rendition of 'uptown girl'

I've FINALLY been watching the Batman animated series and I gotta say, after watching "the gray ghost" I am CONVINCED that Batman is a closeted super hero geek who was 100% freaking out the first time he met Superman and is just REALLY good at hiding it.

superman: so what do you do in your free time? batman, thinking about the superman fanfiction he's writing on the batcomputer: i have no free time

bruce and oliver be like boyfriends to co-workers 401k (do the justice leagues get 401ks??? not that bruce and ollie would need them, but-)

lmao yes just 400 thousand words of bruce realising 'oh dip oliver is such a fucking dumbass' (also i don't know what a 401 k is but i assume they don't?)

Gothamites would totally boo superman as he saves Gotham while batman is out. @meenje

he's like 'okay think about that next time you want to be saved from an alien octopus'

I just took long break from dc comics and I come back to see ric grayson ??

i think it's very cool and sexy of dc to see dick and just think 'you know what? let's just give him a traumatic brain injury' and then didn't develop his character in any real way

SPEAKING OF RIC GRAYSON, gothamites making confused memes out of ric grayson is much needed

'dick grayson is my taxi driver? can anyone explain what the fuck happened he looks like an italian plumber?'

i hate to say it but batfam are def "marvel characters" in that sense they are characters who are human but become superheroes unlike most dc characters who are gods trying to be human maybe this is why I like batfam

fair enough

[merry-kuroo]

you lived in the UK for a time ??? Ok I gotta hear the story on this, and totally ignore this ask if you'd rather not say lol I was just curious after I saw the tag you left

Haha thanks for the ask! I totally don't mind talking about it. I may just message you with all the other miniscule details.

So, I was in Wales for 9 months from 2020-2021 to attend graduate school. For context, if I'd stay in America for graduate school I was looking at student loans of about 100k and finishing in 3 years. By going to graduate school in Wales, I only had to pay 20k and I got my degree in 1 year. So, it was a no brainer in my eyes 😂

It was a constant battle of "Yay, I'm in the UK its so nice over here!" to crying and wanting to come home because I was locked down for 5 months and craved human interaction and attention 🥴 I was a 30 minute walk from the beach so I went down there almost every day during the lockdown in order to keep my sanity.

(Here's some pictures from where I stayed in Wales)

My classmates loved that I was from Texas and said "y'all" constantly. They also told me they could name 3-4 states (California, New York, Florida, and Texas were the main ones). They also loved hearing about homecoming, prom, and my time as a cheerleader in high school 😂😂 It was just little things like that made them laugh.

My classmates were appaled that Americans eat donuts for breakfast. That's not a thing to eat in the morning apparently. My friend said you eat donuts DURING AFTERNOON TEA 😭😭

The food over in the UK is so...healthy. And I didn't have a car nor did I take public transportation so I walked everywhere and when I came back to Texas I had lost 25 pounds and the doctor said I was under weight 🙃 My family kept asking why I was so skinny when I sent them pictures and they were concerned for me while I was over there 😅

But some of the things over there had no flavor. I avoided fish pie or any form of mash potatoes over there. No amount of salt or pepper could make it taste good. I wish I had some stronger seasoning. Mashed peas are the worst thing to ever be served with food. I was to scared to try blood pudding 😭

Graduate school was good. I had insane flat mates and 1 insane classmate and I had a crush on this really really sweet Welsh guy 🥰 I wanted to ask him out, but I was ready to come home 😅 If I had stayed over there, I would've

I had the opportunity to get a graduate student visa and work over there, but the jobs in my chosen field were abundant in America compared to what I saw in the UK (it was pandemic/lockdown related. America was opening up and the UK was still shuttered.) It was a hard decision but I came back to America because I'd knew I could save more money and get started on my career. There are days where I wonder where I'd be if I did stay in Wales or just move to England and Scotland. Some days I tell myself I'll move back or go get my Ph.D over there.

But I think I was meant to move back to Texas for a reason.

I plan on going back this summer to visit my best friend in Edinburgh but it's tentative and depends on what happens in both of our lives from now until April/May.

So, yeah if you have any other questions for me about my time in the U.K. or in Ireland let me know!! 🥰

Here's some more pictures:

[purplespacecats]

Quarantine Q&A

Tagged by @villa-kulla (thank you! glad to hear you’re doing okay)

Are you staying home from work/school?

yeah. i work as a bike delivery girl for restaurants, which is way too high risk of a job to be doing during a pandemic with a chronically ill roommate. the last day i worked was the 13th, and i considered continuing to work and just do no-contact deliveries, but my epidemiologist friend was like yeah no you’re going into a dozen restaurants a day? and coming into contact with the staff of each restaurant, who can’t feasibly keep 6 ft apart on the job? no way to do that safely rn

frankly, restaurants should be closed imo. like i see people being like “is it safe to order delivery?” “yeah totally people don’t get covid19 from food!” and i’m like, yeah it’s safe for the /customer/. for the workers, not so much!! it really isn’t essential to keep every goddamn restaurant that partners with a delivery app (i.e. most of them?) open in this city throughout the crisis. like, grocery stores (and grocery delivery), deps, food banks, soup kitchens, and meals on wheels are essential to keeping people fed. but if you’re living off of delivered takeout? i’m gonna hazard a guess that you at least own a microwave. you can survive off of grocery store food

but the caquistes don’t see it that way so i theoretically could be working rn. so since i’m “voluntarily” “choosing” not to work bc of like, my aversion to killing my roommate, per the government i’m fine and dandy and not in need of any financial aid, despite literally not having an income thanks to the pandemic. gotta love means testing. and i don’t qualify for EI bc i’m a gig worker or for welfare bc i’m not a permanent resident 🙃 but yeah s/o to the republicans for being to the left of canadian liberals rn and signing onto universal financial aid. like yes, people who don’t need it will get it /in order to ensure that no one who does need help is left out/. like i feel like this should be an erring on the side of caution situation, personally. anyways, it’s rare that i’m grateful for my american citizenship, but uncle sam came through for once so i don’t have to worry about running out of money next month

i’m working on getting a job with qkids (teaching chinese kids english), and that’s going well so far, but if i do get the job the soonest i’ll see a paycheck is may 15th. so yeah, i really needed that $1200

If you’re staying home, who’s there with you?

my roommate allister, her dog bella, and her cat fluffy. also, we have a front yard, so we can safely chat with the next door neighbors. i’m really glad i don’t live alone rn

Are you a homebody?

oh yeah. like i try not to be, but yeah not leaving the apartment isn’t hard, especially now that my mtl social life has moved online. during normal circumstances i actively try to make myself go out and socialize irl in the same way that i try to get my exercise, y’know? i feel good when i’ve done it, but it’s an effort to convince myself not to just stay home lol

An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

a bike messenger get-together / parts swap. i was intending to get more involved in the bike messenger social scene, which is apparently a thing, but i hadn’t engaged beyond just going to organizing meetings as we try to unionize. so it would’ve been cool to make work friends despite having had such a solo job

What movies have you watched recently? What shows are you watching?

i legit don’t remember the last movie i watched, but the last show i watched was the new odaat ep! so glad that show got saved. next on my to-watch list is getting caught up on doctor who :)

What music are you listening to?

blonde is my go-to coping-with-anxiety album, so i’ve had it on repeat

What are you reading?

i finally picked up my collection of edna st vincent millay’s early poems that i got at the word months ago. tbh i was kind of looking for any cultural legacy of the 1918 pandemic, but there’s no mention in her soonest poetry collection afterwards (1920). that’s probably for the best; i’m sure it was good for me to read nice poems that took my mind /off/ of pandemics

What are you doing for self-care?

for the first week of quarantine, i was at a point where getting out of bed, eating, changing clothes etc. were intentional acts of self-care. but i’m doing better now, so i’ve been trying to make sure i get outside, and also taking designated time off from job searching to relax at the end of the day

tagging: @tc-lp, @bluelikeblood, @pas-daccord

[tardytothepardy]

Papyrus is (steadily) getting himself a girlfriend. That girlfriend is Evie Delgato. Is there a way to make these statements more interesting? I bet my brother would know. 

May I just say that I minorly hate the idea of that “make a move” interaction? I cannot describe how uncomfortable I’d be if I were chilling with someone (the idea of me flirting with someone or someone flirting with me is laughable but anyway) and then suddenly their arm is around me and squeezing me into their body like hell no that much contact is not for me. I demand a 6ft radius at all times, not just during pandemic times. But Evie seemed to be pretty okay with it. So I suppose my personal opinion doesn’t really have much grounding in this particular situation. 

After the incredibly romantic (and tedious) flirting on the couch with plenty of annoying interuption from Supriya and Justin, Papyrus took Evie out to the Delgato’s weird octagonal front porch and had his Very First Kiss(tm) with Evie. She had hers with Pap as well, but this isn’t about her right now. It might never be about her (it almost certainly will not ever be about her). 

Immediately afterwards, Pierce decided to remind me of his existence (a fact I often forget) by, you guessed it, inserting himself into a conversation that absolutely no one asked him to be in! (I cannot describe how annoying I find that. People don’t do that. Why is that a thing in The Sims. Maybe I don’t want my Sims to talk to multiple Sims, how bout that Sims 4 promo videos from 2014? Because when my Sims are flirting and some jerkface butts in and makes things awkwarditwouldn’tbeawkwardiftheyjustlefthemaloneforgodssakejuststopfuckingdoingthat) Ahem. It’s dumb. I don’t like it. Anyway.

After his visit to the Delgato’s, Papyrus parked out in a dock area and played his violin, in hopes for some tips. He got none, and I forgot (or left him, either works) about him until it was to corral everyone to bed, so it worked out. He was happy for the rest of the day, so that was nice. He deserves happiness, even if it’s the small stuff. 

The next day I impulsively bought the observatory tower for Grim, and since his needs (except for his fun and social) don’t deplete, he basically stayed in there all day and got 6 prints. And accrued a couple hundred Simoleons from the repeats he got. (He makes so much money for this household it’s kinda dumb)

And since at some point he completed the Nerd Brain aspiration, I got him the one from Discover University. “Academic”, which I gotta say on record is some impressive titling. (Who am I kidding I’m terrible at naming things) This is all just to say that he enrolled in the Foxbury Institute and is working towards a distinguished degree in psychology. I realized yesterday that he can’t really attend the graduation ceremony, but if he doesn’t then the game won’t consider him graduated... idk I just don’t want him to change out of his Grim Reaper robes I really like them and I’ve gotten incredibly used to the black void where his face should be and I’m not prepared for the possibility of him not having it. I desperately need him to keep him current garb on him. Otherwise he faces deletion, and no one wants that. 

With Dorothy, Sans, Papyrus, Nick, and Kris all being at school for most of the week, and with Grim newly being in school, suddenly I’m back to playing just Tiffany, for a few hours anyway. It’s kinda weird, because I have to reacquaint myself with her. I have no idea when or how she mastered her cooking skill. I mean, I knew that she used to cook a lot back when I was still iffy about playing Grim, but not to that extent. The garden that Patchy, then Grim, then Dorothy took over also used to be Tiffany’s, but I think she’s okay with other people taking care of it. If she wanted to though, she could totally to everything by herself, and it’s just weird. I kinda forgot about all the other stuff she can do outside of constantly painting back when that was her job, or now she’s constantly building her comedy skill. She maxed out her parenting skill (which if you’re playing on long lifespan you’ll probably do that by the time your kid’s a toddler), probably when Dorothy was the only one.  

Anyway, it was kinda nice playing just Tiffany for a while. 

It was also Kris’ birthday, which was a highly anticipated event in my mind, just like the rest of the kid’s teen birthdays. It’s the big reveal, after all. So what was the big reveal? That the Flower Bunny apparently has the shoulders of a titan from Attack on Titan. Y’know those weird ones with the tiny shoulders that just make the entire torso look like a gross trapezoid? Yeah. Those guys. I didn’t keep that, because otherwise I would be mildly horrified whenever I saw Kris. So I pulled out his shoulders to a normal width while still keeping his trapezoidal torso. (Nick is still in the lead with the trapezoid torso though, what with Father Winter having the widest fucking hips why did this happen it didn’t need to)

Kris’ new aspiration is to be Fabulously Wealthy, and his new traits are Music Lover and Socially Gifted(from completing the Social Butterfly aspiration)

After Kris’ birthday, I sent him, Sans, Papyrus, and Nick to the gym in Oasis Springs, where Sans ran for about an hour before basically curling up and wailing about how uncomfortable he was. (I had him take a nap on the couch at the front desk and he was fine) Nick was sad (his default at this point), but he did manage to exercise to the point of sour green smoke billowing off of him, so that’s fine. Kris seemed to have an okay time, but I think overall Pap had the best time. He ran the longest, at any rate. 

[talesfromacrip]

more ehh thoughts (recent edition):

w o w

can’t even speak my damn mind anymore in this house I guess without getting the whole, ‘get out then if you don’t like it here. look for a section 8 place and blah, blahhhh’ speech.

the signature speech of my parents when I get on their ‘last nerves’..

all just for speaking my mind. lovely

all bc I said something in regards to something political my dad was talking about. then saying black lives matter after bc it was also apart of the conversation

(which is my opinion)

that word doesn’t sit well in my parents ears.. my dad to be specific apparently.

he then started saying I should just look for somewhere else to go and that if I say that again, something will happen. (not anything violent on me,but make me leave to somewhere else type of happen )

guess my parents (specifically my dad) wants me dead if he wants me to go out and find somewhere else to go. it’s not like, idk, i have a fucking immunocompromised system or anything like that ya know?? also.... during a fucking pandemic as well ?? helllloooo, old man?? i just don’t know anymore sometimes with my parents

caught me off guard a bit and hurt really fucking bad.. like, wow. if that’s how you feel, then let me go which you won’t and won’t admit.

used to it though which is silly to say, but I can’t do anything much about it even if i tried. so, I must deal for now anyway I can.

we settled our differences though which, I’m glad, but I hate that I was the first one to do it. shows how it is in my family at times

-

at least my mom and few friends are on my side. ridiculous to be treated like this for having a fucking opinion.  

doesn’t help either to get teased about it. like I haven’t been most of my life already ya know, shit.

sick of this house sometimes. the people in it, I should say.. sigh

———

———

I feel like I’m not, as ‘feminine’ as a lady should be. adds to my existing body probsss

can’t put makeup on. can’t get my nails done. can’t use bath bombs. can’t use facial creams or certain acne products. can’t buy clothes I’d like to shape my body and whatnot.. it goes onnnn. I would like to do what a lady likes to feel/look her absolute best ya know.

I can’t though. trying?????which doesn’t really go anywhere much tbh

I have an unused makeup palette and lippies going to absolute waste in my drawer.

which, cost me gooood money bc gooood brand. treat myself.

to see it go to waste though,is heartbreaking...

I could be using it now during the pandemic,but I have no one to help me with it. I can’t do it myself with my fucked up arms/hands either so that’s a nope.

my mom won’t help me and I’ve asked. she has more important things to do than make me look like a little clowns spawn.

I have so many ideas and I can’t execute them as I’d like. never can and it hurts. maybe on a drawimg, but having it applied to your face is a much better experience. very relaxing as well,but to take off.. that’s a process

doesn’t help that I’m told I’d look better with it as well, which totally helps my self esteem ya know. "it suits your moon face and covers those acne bits.."

fucking hell.. like, let me be.

guess not though it seems :lllllll

-

I feel gross about my skin.. dry and flaky at times from my medication and bc my body is a lil ass. it’s fucking oily on occasions as well.. ughhh. a whole nightmare, in my opinion

small acne scars,pimples from an imbalanced body in miscellaneous spots and places where they shouldn’t be.. I hate it.

I cannot look at myself without wanting to scream sometimes. I just stare and flip through a plethora of thoughts until I’m sitting there watching myself cry

I can’t buy the right skin products without suffering a break out or some kind of allergic reaction either. that’s how ‘sensitive’ i am.. ughh and people think it’s sooo fucking easy to take care of your skin.

help me out then and do it for me instead of telling me when I’ve said why I couldn’t in the first place..

fucking shit

-

I use to do my nails and paint them different colors almost every other week or so when I was younger. that was when I could move them to a certain extent. now i just can’t much for that. maybe?but I don’t want to risk twisting my wrist again. which, oddly helped a bit, but I’m not risking it

can’t even paint my right hand without leaning into a terrible spine position bc of my curled in fingers. it’s "so easy" though.my big ass it is

so, I just leave them bare nowadays

I have chipped and or broken nails anyway from fidgeting and anxiety. so, that’ll get in the way when they’re colored

sigh

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bath bombs are the most elegant form of hygienic self care. a bubbly concoction for your skin to dip in.. ughhhh. sounds so relaxing and funnn

can’t sit in a fucking tub though to enjoy it and I don’t have the walk in ones. just a plain walk in shower. every time I see someone post about them, I melt inside. so pretty with the glitter fragments and the colorsss...mm

how I wish I could endure a porcelain tub to soak and forget about the world for a moment.

I can dream, but that still hurts as well.

-

I used to wear slim fitting tops for my stomach bc I was one of the chubby ones ya know.

now, I want to use them more bc my body doesn’t look how I thought it would be at my age. due to medication and lack of movement, just made it worse and it’s not my fault. feels like it is though and I tried. still am and it’s been hard lately with the pandemic. massive buying spells again so, some healthy goods are not available.

apparently though it seems nowadays being ‘thicc’ is in when years before it was absolutely frowned upon.

I got teased for being ‘thicc’ and now I’m somewhat getting praised for it?? kinda weird circus did I buy tickets for? unless I didn’t??

like, what do y’all mean, now it’s in????? stop being such a rude wad of shit and quit playing with people like this.

I don’t know what to accept much anymore and it’s bothers me so damn much

even if you do get praised,you must meet the standards. with some that is, I should say. must be at least some sort of skinny. some sort of, shaped being that I don’t really want to explain bc I feel it’s obvious.

some disabled folks are almost never in this section and when so, seems very fetishized.

hopefully this paints a small picture or whatever size you prefer your canvas to be. I’ve already talked about my body and more like this just gets me upset

———

———

uggh why are people still making stupid party plans, going to crowded places and doing other irresponsible shit... during a fucking pandemic?? It’s literally s o fucking irritating.

these people do not grasp this it seems, but ooooooohhh. gotta go out and risk it for someone who doesn’t even care about my health,others and even themselves.

fucking dumb

-

funny to see them complain about being home and all bc of this. like, how do you think I’ve felt and countless other disabled folks like me? sucks h u h. no freedom to go anywhere for risk of a fucking accident or worse, d e a t h.

it’s easy as hell to stay home and keep yourself occupied but apparently it’s a big ass deal

read, write, draw, cook, c l e a n. go out in your, idk, backyard as your outside relief?? is it really that b a d of a need to go somewhere??

especially when eventually it’ll drain you and you’ll eventually go back h o m e anyway ??t’s ridiculous.

"you should be thankful you can even go out."

yeah, to appointments, groceries, and concerts o n l y.

I don’t have the fucking privilege to go out at my own leisure and when I do, I have to plan like a mf.

it’s not easy. can’t drive. van is always busting on us. parents are my only source of a ride. can’t even generally go out anywhere bc of stupid stairs and all that.

I swear. every time I see a friend, mutual or family put something like that.. irritates me. I wanna comment so bad,but I don’t want to start anymore drama.

maybe soon I will. who fucking knows

———

———

i miss shows and all, but I just don’t as much.

I’m paranoid to think of going to future ones now..

I’ve already missed a majority of concerts my whole childhood and teen years due to my disability.

I don’t want to miss out on my young adult life now that I’m somewhat in a ‘better state’ bc some of y’all don’t want to be cautious and follow rules.

shows are therapeutic for me, but idk anymore now if it’s makimg me like this

disabled folks like myself who enjoy these shows are in so much fucking danger, it’s ridiculous.

we already were anyways with moshing and all.. which I know some act like they don’t know.

y’all are so desperate to go like, what about the other fandom folks who can’t even attend these shows though?? sad

these lives performances some artists have been doing are perfect and we need to support them more with this format. encourage the fuck out of them like the do to us with their music and whatnot.

I was so fucking thankful DGD did one.

it was a great time, but not so great when everyone is like, but what about an ‘actual show’?

it’s just, never enough with some of the fans I swear. irritating

yeahhh ,lets risk the fuckin band/bands getting sick so they can play for us. yasssss. shows how much they read up on the members and care about their health/wellbeing.

———

———

being sober brings back a lot of suppressed memories. nights are bit hard when going through this

makes me remember quite a bit of conversations that others have probably or most likely have forgotten by now as well

irritating and sad. that’s how I get some of my dreams as well which cause lack of sleep at timessss y a y

———

———

I, over share too much at times it seems.. how the hell do people want to know me though????

if I’m making the situation, odd or whatever, fucking tell me instead of ignoring it and trying to move on with some stupid shit

if I can fucking sit through y’alls oversharing.. can with fucking mine

———

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do and say..

I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. this is wearing me out I swear to fucking god

I put some of my eggs in the wrong basket.. again

ohhh fucking boooyyy

least it’s a good basket..

———

sometimes I feel so uneducated when taking with friends. my mind is like a fucking mad libs book on new game plus.

it’s blanks out and replaces important vocabulary with some silly childish shit instead

[theliterateape]

Enjoying the Perks of Novel Coronavirus COVID-19

By David Himmel

Yesterday, novel coronavirus COVID-19 had a big day in Chicago. It gave Mayor Lori Lightfoot enough reason to cancel the city’s famed St. Patrick’s Day celebrations, which include the dyeing green of the Chicago River and the South Side Irish Parade. Not only will these cancelations help reduce the risk of the virus spreading, in the case of the latter, it will help reduce the number of wealthy white boys in black North Face vests from puking up hot dogs, blood, and bile on a poorer family’s front stoop. News also broke of the first confirmed case at a major downtown business hub, Prudential Plaza. The employee of CA Ventures, a tenant at One Prudential Plaza.

I work in Two Prudential Plaza. These two buildings are connected. They’re also connected to the Aon Center by a small passageway anchored by a Panda Express on the south. Prudential Plaza is also directly connected to the underground Chicago Pedway which connects to more office buildings to the west and three different train lines. Thousands—I can’t find an exact number, but thousands—of people work and/or pass through these places every single day of the work week. The buildings are still open for business, but my office has decided to close until at least next Friday. Everyone is working remotely. These are precautions I fully support.

This virus outbreak, now officially a pandemic is making things weird. The world around us is confusing and ever more empty as people self-quarantine. Door knobs are sinister, a person who coughs or sneezes in any public space is met with more disdain than someone who talks loudly on their cellphone in an elevator. Italy is closed. The NBA is closed. Jesus, even Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have tested positive for the virus.

COVID-19 is coming for our favorite food, our favorite professional sports league that doesn’t have cheating champion teams, and the one Baby Boomer white man of all America can get behind. Things seem bleak. But after spending forty years in this body and several thousands of dollars on therapy, I am well-equipped to find the silver lining in any situation. I’d tell you that I’m a positive person in moments of crisis, but I feel that telling you I’m positive in this climate would only scare you off.

Regardless, I want you to know that there are perks to this pandemic. You just gotta know how to find ’em.

Get a seat on the Blue Line

On most workdays, you will have to wait four or five Blue Line trains before you can barely squeeze your way into a car if you’re heading toward Forest Park east of Western between 7:501 and 8:47 a.m. But with so many offices closing or strongly encouraging employees to work from home, hoping on at 8:15 is not only simple, but comfortable. The cars have room to spare.

No wait

Reservations aren’t needed. Fewer people are going out, which means you can get the best seat in the house just by showing up. It feels like you’re Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. Even Alinea is taking walk-ins.

It helps you finally stop biting your fingernails

I’ve basically been trying to stop biting my fingernails for thirty years. But no matter how far I got, I’d always, always find myself chewing and nibbling at my fingertips. This pandemic has done wonders in helping me kick this habit. It’s been at least two weeks since I’ve had a bite. Do you have any idea how hard it is to break a habit like this!? I’m not one to ask for praise—that demand is the mark of a toddler or woke white woman—but if I can stay off the keratin for good, I deserve as much praise as someone who overcame opioid addiction.

Biting your nails is gross. I’ve always known that. This habit has been my greatest shame that I’ll admit to in public. Biting your nails and unintentionally eating a deadly virus is even grosser.

With your new nails, you can scrape away gunk from just about any surface

Having fingernails is awesome. Every surface in my home that has been touched by my sticky son and gooey wife is now gunk-free. With just a flick of my thumb and that glob of whatever is loose and into the paper towel to be carried to the trash. And then I’m off to wash my hands because, well, yuck.

You can fart in elevators

Go on. Push it out. Fill the metal box with all of your gutted butt funk. If someone gets on and smells your stench, so what. Stare ’em down. Apologize for the odor. Tell them you were just diagnosed with COVID-19. A new strain. One that affects flatulence. They’ll be so worried that breathing in your ass blast will give them the virus, they’ll forget all about you. And in a few months, when things are close to back to normal and they board the elevator with you again, they won’t remember your face at all—just the smell of your insides as they hotboxed an elevator.

There’s plenty of time for you to do you

Social-distancing. Ah… My Myers-Briggs personality test told me that I am extroverted but like solitude. So, because that’s what it told me, I’m going to get a real kick out of being alone for a bit. Because my company has closed the office for at least the next week-and-a-half, I won’t get to enjoy the empty Blue Line, but I can enjoy social-distancing. I did partake in the practice on my own accord in 2010 and 2011. I consider them two of my best bachelor years.

Enjoy quality and affordable healthcare

Our president said it, and when has he ever lied to us? Insurance companies are waiving co-pays and for treating COVID-19. And it sounds like the Feds are ready to help out if people need money to pay for treatment. So, the great healthcare that has been so impossible to give to the American people is, apparently, now, without fanfare or what could possibly be considered difficulty, available to everyone.

Traffic is light

To and from work. To and from the grocery store. To and from UPS to return something to Amazon. Traffic moves like it’s 6 a.m. on a Sunday. And with the NBA all shuttered up, there’ll be no traffic to battle on game nights. We can only hope that Major League Baseball follows suit. It’ll also give teams more time to come up with new hand signals since the Astros are thieving bastards.

So, there you go. Have fun during these last few days on earth. Remember, even though we’re all going to die, it’s your fault for not washing your hands that one time.