#also andi happy birthday once again!!!!!

[bottomlessabyssposts]

Absolutely! Not sure what kind of prompts you write, for future reference—short, long, specific, vague, etc—but for rn, the first thing that popped into my head was an older (like teenage, but whatever works) Mike & Will swinging on the swings? Any context, any au, any tone, etc—post-season 4 or pjo, silly or sad, whatever works for you. Good luck with your writing!

Hello ! I had a lot of fun writing this ! More so, I do dedicate this to @andiwriteordie as a birthday gift <3 I hope you're having an amazing birthday !!

Mike felt content.

For the longest time, Mike's shoulders have been heavy with a burden invisible to most eyes, even his. He felt pinned down on earth, like a prisoner of the soil. His struggles in the form of a vulture eating his insides, which would be untouched the next day, only to be eaten once more. Chains of his worries binding his wrists as he trashes around and screams, eventually giving up when no one turns around.

But now, now Mike never felt as light. Hair flowing in the wind as he swung, his legs going back and forth. And maybe his feet touching the ground was a sign that he grew up, far too old to be here, but he couldn't care less.

Not when Will was giggling next to him.

Will was giggling without a care in the world, chestnut hair dancing to the sound of his laughter. His eyes crinkling with a wide smile, swinging back and forth. At some point, Mike came to a stop, his eyes focused on Will. He was unapolegetically himself, and this was the most beautiful he's ever been. Will has always been beautiful. Beautiful in a way that Mike can't quite put words on. It was in his eyes and the way they catch the light, the way they shine when he's happy. It was in his lips, stretched into a grin, or cherry red and swollen after a kiss. His art, vision of his own mind, screaming Will's personality in the colors, the composition, the strokes of his brush. Mike could write thousands of poems about Will and nothing could ever come close to the real thing.

Because Will was glowing, angel from heaven, and God if that is not a sight Mike would imprit in his mind. Keep it in his brain, replaying this exact moment whenever he'd go to sleep, a smile on his face as he'd sigh dreamily. And maybe it was something he would be ashamed of, years ago, in the darkness of his room, wondering what went wrong when he realized his eyes would instictively follow his best friend instead of his girlfriend.

But now, now he felt free as the wind, and shame left his body, only to be met with joy and warmth and everything he never thought he could feel. Loving Will was beautiful in itself, familiar and reassuring.

But being loved by Will felt even better. Being loved by the kindest, strongest person in the world was absolutely wonderful. Like his heart fluttered with excitement, like he was gifted the best thing on earth. Being loved by Will made him feel six again, when he and Will would roll in the grass, smiles and cheeks tainted with mud and hair messy. When they would wake up in the Wheeler household, and run down the stairs, to devour the pancakes his mom would make, giggling as they mocked the other for being so messy. When they'd stay awake as long as possible, and Mike would stare at Will, watching his eyes dropping, and then open abruptly, shaking his head and promising he wasn't going to sleep. In hindsight, Mike knew he loved Will back then, with his round cheeks and big eyes, his quiet and soft voice reaching him always, even when submerged by an ocean of sounds. Will's voice was always the loudest to him, and his ears naturally picked it up, as if they were made for that entire purpose.

Yeah, that seemed about right.

"If you keep staring at me like that, I'll think there's something wrong with my face."

Mike blinked, and he was met with Will's teasing smile, and only now did he realize they both stopped swinging. The wind still blew softly, and Mike felt his cheeks redden as he smiled back at him.

"Your face is just very kissable." He replied, shrugging. Will's cheeks adopted this lovely shade of red, one that Mike loved with every fiber of his being, which was precisely why winter was his favorite season.

"Yet you're not kissing it." Now Will was cocky, staring at Mike, challenging him.

However, Mike did not mind in the slightest, because there wasn't a second when Mike didn't want to kiss Will. With this in mind, Mike leaned towards his friend, his best friend, the love of his life, and gently pressed his lips against his. Warmth spread across his body, his heart hammering against his chest and he never felt more alive. Fingers gently pressed against Wills cheek, Mike slightly tilted his head, noses brushing and eyelashes tickling. The world shrinked, shrinked and shrinked, and it was just Will. Will and his beautiful eyes, his smile, his warmth. Will's warm hand fondly rubbed his shoulder, and when they parted, Mike stole a peck or two, making Will giggle once again.

"That's so romantic." Mike blurted, and Will tilted his head, confused.

"That's where we met, you know ?" He teased, and Will lightly kicked his leg, chuckling as he began swinging again, the sound of his laughter transported by the wind, and Mike promptly followed, easily matching his rythm.

"You're an idiot !" He yelled out, still flying as if he was a bird, and Mike was hopelessly devoted to him.

"That's why you love me !" He yelled back, and he was met with another laugh, an agreement, a "you're right". Mike felt so light, flying right next to Will, to new places where both of them could be whoever they wanted now that they had their whole lives ahead of them. What seemed impossible years ago was now in his hands, and Mike would keep it safe forever, if it meant having Will laugh without a care in the world.

[lavendertales]

Sweet lies: Chapter 12

pairing: Frankie Morales x f!reader

summary: Frankie and Andrea finally open up to each other. You anxiously wait to hear the conclusion.

word count: 3.4k

warnings: allusions to sex, but nothing explicit.

A/N: happy birthday, @thevoiceinyourheadx!! hope you have a lovely day and that you enjoy this little piece here hehe❤️

Comments & reblogs are always appreciated 💕

gif: @clonecaptains

series masterlist | AO3

At six p.m., Frankie was in the airport, waiting at the gate as he said he would. Restless, he looked around for Andrea for about twenty minutes, until he finally noticed her figure in the crowd.

As opposed to other times, the smiles they both revealed this time were merely polite. There was hesitance behind them, sadness, nothing like it used to be. They could both feel the tension and the questions that begged to be answered. Their moves were mechanic, their bodies acting solely on muscle memory as Frankie got her luggage, put it in the trunk of the car, opened the passenger’s door for her, and started to drive.

They didn’t exchange many words during the one hour ride. They both knew that once they set foot inside the apartment, once filled with delusional happy memories, everything will come crashing down around them.

They walk through the door, closing it behind them, and they simply stare at each other for what feels like an eternity.

“Do you want to empty your bag?” he asks her, voice hollow, yet heavy at the same time.

Andrea smiles bitterly at him. “No. Not yet.”

Her reply, though simple, informs Frankie of her intentions. She’s not staying, he realizes. This only raises more questions, but if there was ever a time for answers, it is now.

“I have to tell you something,” Frankie begins.

His throat is dry, each time he swallows feeling like sand on paper, but he powers through it.

“What is it?” Andrea asks.

Frankie pauses. The more he looks at Andrea, the more pain washes over him, crashing inside his chest and forbidding him from breathing properly. But he knows he mustn’t go on with this charade, this game of pretend.

In the long run, it’ll be better for all of you. Honesty will prevail, he tells himself over and over again.

“Oh, come on, out with it already,” Andrea rushes him sweetly.

“There’s… someone else. I’m—there’s someone in my life that I—“

Andrea’s face drops, though not by much. There’s not much shock legible on her face, nor anger or anything negative, really, which ticks Frankie off. It’s as if she was already intuiting the words that are crumbling Frankie’s whole being. She takes a big breath, deeply, pulling even further away from him and searching his face, barely even blinking. The answer lies right before her, but it also resides in the pit of her stomach. It’s not that far of a stretch, but she allows Frankie his freedom of speech still. She reckons it’s more important for him to get this out.

“I’m in love with someone else.”

And there they are. Some of the most dreadful and harmful words known to mankind. Yet, Andrea remains unfazed, continuously staring at Frankie. He can’t tell if she’s contemplating what she’s just heard, or if she’s expecting to hear more, so he continues.

“It’s not new. It’s not because of the break. It’s always been there, clawing at my chest, buried at the back of my head and now it’s—it’s only gotten worse. I can’t hide it anymore, I can’t keep doing this to you, to us… it’s not fair. And it’s not who I am. Or not who I thought I was. I’m really sorry, Andy, I really am.”

She can tell he’s in massive distress, but she needs a real, factual confirmation of her suspicions.

“Who are you referring to?”

The question, sharply posed, strikes Frankie as some sort of attempt to diminish his feelings and place the blame on him. The blame he can take, but he won’t have Andrea or anyone tell him that what he feels is wrong. Not when it comes to you.

But Andrea is by no means a vindictive person. No, she feels just as deeply as Frankie does. And right now, she must feel taken aback, surprised, everything in between.

The groaned pronunciation of your name echoes across the room. The silence that follows is deafening, shattering both his and her eardrums, hearts speeding at the highest rates. But it had to be said, no matter how painful or hard it would feel.

And it carries no shortage of either.

“How long have you been feeling this way?”

The question surprises Frankie, tremendously so. She doesn’t sound that shocked at the revelation, which, in a way, makes Frankie feel even worse, though he does carry understanding for the woman he fought so hard to love properly—and subsequently failed.

“Since I’ve known her,” he says. “High school, when we met. I was just a coward and couldn’t tell her that. Mornings, noon, and nights I care about her. It’s… exhausting and painful. I’m so sorry, Andy. I can’t keep acting like all this is okay, like we’re not playing this big hide and seek game.”

“You seemed to be okay with us pretending to be so in love when you thought she was gone abroad and gone out of your life forever. What’s changed now? Just because she’s back in town?”

“No, it’s more than that, it’s…”

Andrea’s tone suggests genuine interest and concern, which throws Frankie off his rhythm for a bit. And it’s in that moment that Andrea comes to realize she may have just exposed herself.

“I was okay with it because I didn’t think she’d—wait a minute,” Frankie wakes up. “What do you mean we’re pretending?”

Andrea falters, gulping and breaking the eye contact at last. She’s almost twitching, tapping her leg on the wooden floor, and then it hits Frankie: a potential reason why she’s been so adamant about his confession, so understanding and calm, and why she’d suggested the breakup in the first place.

A way to confirm his own suspicions and allow both of them peace of mind.

“Is there someone else in your life?”

When she returns his gaze, he sees her eyes teary and blown out, like her worst fear had just become reality. In all honesty, Frankie resonates with that sensation, much more than he’d like his pathetic self to admit.

“Andrea,” he calls out to her. “What really happened at that conference on Valentine’s Day? That’s where it all started.”

“When what started?”

“Please. Don’t make me beg you for a confession. I told you about me. I just want us to be honest with each other.”

A tear rolls down her cheek as she approaches him again, face clearly devastated.

“Would it make you feel better about your doing, Frankie?” she mutters. “Would it make you feel better to hear me confess that I did it, too? You know what they say, two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Frankie frowns, trying to process the information that was just thrown at him, so viciously and yet deeply regretful. Suddenly, a weight is being lifted from his chest, and he can finally feel, though still shamefully so, like a man free to be himself, to be true to his own feelings.

Maybe Andrea will get to feel this way too by the end of the night.

“What happened on Valentine’s Day?” he insists.

Andrea gulps. “I was at a conference, like I said. But I—I wasn’t alone.”

Frankie nods slowly, once, twice, allowing the confession to dawn on him. It sinks in, it becomes obvious, and he feels, oddly enough or not, empathy for the woman before him. He cannot be mad for the life of him. In this moment, he sees both of them crystal clear: two people driven by cowardice in the same way, broken in others, struggling to do the right thing and ending up being miserable because of it.

“I get the feeling it wasn’t just a one-time thing,” he coos.

Andrea shakes her head shyly. “It’s—still going. It was… actually, it was going on for a while before then.”

“How long?”

“A little over a year.”

A boulder crushes Frankie when he hears that. He starts to pace around the living room, looking back at all the wedding plans they’ve been doing, all the otherwise happy moments they shared, when he thought they could at least connect on a physical level—only to have it all shattered as an illusion.

But it doesn’t make him as mad as he thought he would be. Matter of fact, it makes him feel relieved, though saddened by the lengths they had to go to in order to find an ounce of real happiness.

“With whom, if I can ask?”

“Someone from work. His name is Mark. It just happened one day in the break room. A kiss. And then it… escalated.”

“Yeah, I’m familiar with the concept.”

Seems the two have more in common that they thought, though not in the most socially acceptable way.

Frankie exhales, realizing that this might still work in both their favor if they play their cards right. That way, you won’t get the blame and it could all be circumstantial.

“So that’s why you wanted the break,” he concludes.

“He asked me to move in with him and—I panicked. I thought a break from us would help me view things more clearly, and it just messed them up even more and… I’m so sorry, Frankie. So sorry. I was… freaking out, finally realizing the magnitude of this mess and I thought it might be better… but then Mark started to beg me to end things, to do the right thing and make a choice and—“

“I know.”

“You do?”

Frankie shrugs. “The four of us have a lot in common by the looks of it.”

Andrea reaches for his hands, holding onto them like they’re a life vest.

“I never, ever wanted to hurt you,” she breaks down. “And like I told you back then, this had nothing to do with you. It’s me and all my fears and insecurities and desperate attempts to please my parents. Still. Like I’m the same little girl who’s afraid of their expectations and the pressure they’re putting on me. It’s not fair and it’s stupid, I know that.”

“But then… why insist on having the wedding back on? All of your messages said ‘we gotta make this work, no matter what’. What was the plan? Get married and you get to sneak around and shack up with Mark from work?”

Frankie acknowledges his accusatory tone, but this time he can’t help himself. He’s genuinely curious how Andrea planned to handle things.

“Because we were supposed to be the splitting image of happiness, you and me,” she replies apologetically. “The couple everyone is in awe of.”

“But it’s not the right thing, for either one of us. I doubt it would’ve worked this way. Being married and yet being madly in love with other people. Not for us, I mean. Maybe for others, but not for us.”

Frankie exhales slowly, rummaging the words. He can’t fully place the blame on the girl he was thankful for having in his life, nor can he condemn her for being in love with someone else. For all he knows, the other guy is the right choice for her.

If you love two people, choose the second one. Because if you were really in love with the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.

“Looks like we found real happiness elsewhere,” he concludes. “I really am sorry, Andrea.”

“So am I. Especially for dragging you into this whirlwind of insecurities projected by my family. This is my shit to handle, always has been. Never yours. Like you said, it’s not fair.”

“I thought I was this good, honorable man who would never cheat, but—“

“You are a good and honorable man. We were separated. I’m the cheater here, not you.”

Time stands still as he listens to her sharp words, the confession finally spilling from her tongue and out in the open.

“Can I tell you something though?” she asks. “I kind of suspected something was going on. Or rather that it might happen.”

Frankie freezes. Had he really been that obvious and careless?

“Whenever we were out, all of us, I saw the way you looked at her. The way you looked at each other. The way you’d hesitate to even hug her or be near her. A little too much struggle if you ask me. And I know because… well. I’ve done the same thing with Mark. And I knew it because you never really looked at me that way. So… blindly in love.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah.”

Another moment of silence. Andrea lets go of his hands, and Frankie feels the finality in the gesture. It all feels ultimate, at long last, freeing and shocking and painful and everything else in between.

“Obviously, this does sting,” Andrea says. “Neither one of us is that insensitive to not acknowledge that it does hurt. It’s been eight years, after all. Eight years since we’ve known each other, five years since we went out the first time. But you don’t have to carry this blame with you for the rest of your life. I am the one to blame.”

“But I—“

Andrea shakes her head. “You did nothing wrong, Frankie. Remember that. We don’t choose who we fall in love with. If it was a voluntary choice, we would’ve already been happily married.”

Frankie chuckles in embarrassment. He stares at the floor, still reeling into the guilt that’s been eating at him for the past few weeks.

“Do you love her?” she asks abruptly. “I know you’re in love with her, but do you love her?”

“I always did. It wasn’t just a hookup or a fling. I sucks to hear this, I know… but I have to say it, or I might never be okay again.”

Andrea nods, thus encouraging him to go on.

“It’s always been her,” he states. “And I think… I think her showing up here again means I got a second chance to do things right by her. To make it up to her.”

Andrea smiles. “Then make it up to her. Be there for her in all the ways you’ve always wanted to. Make it worth all of this madness.”

“I will.”

Frankie goes to hug her, both breathing properly for the first time in years.

“I’m really sorry,” Andrea mutters from his shoulder. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“I haven’t acted honorably at all. And it’s not because I don’t love you, because I do. It’s just—“

They separate, and Frankie gives her a sympathetic look.

“It’s not the same,” he finishes.

Her smile is bittersweet as she confirms, “It’s not the same. I’m so sorry, Frankie.”

“It’s okay. Like you said… we don’t choose our feelings. But I do love you.”

“I love you too. If my parents desperately wanted me to get married to the greatest guy they could ever meet, I’m glad it was you.”

He smiles flustered. “Thanks. Wait, so… what do we do now about the wedding? Your parents are gonna be pissed.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll handle it. It’s time I stand up to them, stop them from controlling my life and my decisions.”

“We gotta cancel it.”

“Well, unless Mark decides to propose within the next three weeks, I’m guessing we do have to cancel it, yeah.”

“Fingers crossed for the proposal then.”

They both chuckle, getting a renewed sense of friendship rather than loss. There is still mutual respect between them, a love that feels rather platonic more than anything else. At the end of the day, they realize that, while it might’ve been a messy affair, they do care about each other, enough to be honest and support each other.

“Do you love him?” Frankie asks while Andrea fumbles with her bag. “This Mark guy.”

“Is it bad to say that I really, really do?”

Frankie huffs, amused. “Not at all. I get it.”

“Oh, thank you, by the way.”

“What the hell for?”

“For having the guts to do what I couldn’t. I know firsthand it’s not easy, all that internal struggle, the sleepless nights… thank you for having enough courage for us both.”

She hugs him again, swinging the bag over her shoulder. “I’m gonna go stay with my cousin till I figure this whole thing out and uh… I guess I’ll pick the rest of my things over the weekend.”

“You can stay if you want.”

“I believe you got one more thing to do tonight. Don’t keep her waiting.”

Andrea leaves, which reminds Frankie of said thing he has to do. He grabs his phone and keys in a haste, and gets in the car.

It’s almost ten p.m. and you’re in your pajamas, on your second glass of red wine. Your mind won’t stop playing various scenarios of Frankie and Andrea and how their conversation might go. You picture it going both ways, and it’s maddening to not know anything. You resist the urge to text him anything, in spite of your raging curiosity. They need their privacy for such a tough conversation.

A knock on the door distracts you. You express your displeasure through a loud huff, but you go to open the door regardless, only to be left breathless at the sight.

“Hi,” you say.

“Hi.”

Frankie’s face is rather radiant, but you still refuse to hope for anything just yet. You can’t bring yourself to feel happy till you hear him say explicit words.

“What are you doing here?” you ask absentmindedly.

“I talked to Andrea.”

You draw in a big breath, holding it in, longing, aching.

“And?” you can barely bring yourself to ask.

He steps in, cupping your cheek and causing your whole body to tremble.

“I told you,” he says, nearly breaking into a smile. “It’s always been you.”

You finally exhale, the sound breaking into tiny little gasps as you stare at him. He goes in to hug you, holding you tight into his arms, and you close your eyes, feeling your eyes teary with happiness. It is so overwhelming that it nearly knocks you out.

You cup his cheeks, memorizing every little detail of his face in excitement, clinging onto him with a neediness you didn’t realize you had in you.

“How did Andrea take it? What happened?” you ask.

“It was… tough, but it’s over. She was very understanding. Apparently she’s been going through the same shit we have.”

Your eyes widen in surprise as you still cup his cheeks and his hands are wrapped around your waist.

“Seriously?” you ask, stunned.

“Yep. She’s been with this guy Mark for over a year.”

“Damn. How did you take it?”

Frankie huffs. “I was pretty surprised myself. But I really couldn’t blame her or be mad. We talked things through and we agreed to call off the wedding.”

“I’m sorry.”

Frankie nearly bursts into laughter. “Why?”

“I don’t know, I just… I feel responsible for turning your world upside down and causing a wedge between you two.”

“You didn’t do that, Hermosa. It would’ve been far worse to actually go through with it and then discover she’s dating someone else.”

You nod in agreement. But you also can’t deny the effect that his pet name has on you, fire spreading through your bloodstream. The sudden sensation of his hands on your waist are driving you insane; that mixed with the red wine in your veins, dangerous combination.

But for the first time, you won’t have to hold back. You won’t have to do anything in a rush, to bite down your tongue to not scream his name, and you won’t have to hide anything.

“Are you okay?” you check.

“I love you,” he tells you instead, pecking your nose.

You smile, your heart so full it might burst out of your chest.

“I love you. So fucking much.”

“So fucking much.”

You wrap your hands around his neck, pulling him in and leading him to your bedroom. You take the time to feel his lips over your skin, to feel his strong hands knead your flesh, to feel his hot breath in between your legs and to feel him inside you, moving with fervor.

For the first time in your life, you allow yourself to love Frankie Morales unapologetically and freely on that warm May evening, and so does he.

previous | next (EPILOGUE)

[lesbianandstressing]

station 19 family headcanons

i’m choosing to ignore the fact that dean is dead and surrera divorced for the sake of my own sanity

all of the station are basically siblings with ben as their father

vic is the baby and everyone is very protective of her

maya is the second youngest but doesn’t let anyone coddle her

(except for carina)

robert actually has a playful side and has pulled a few pranks on some members of the team

travis is a bit of a scaredy cat and robert loves hiding behind corners and scaring him half to death

robert once found vic crying because it was lucas’ birthday, and he was feeling very similarly

they ended up comforting each other and sharing stories about lucas

vic and andy take naps on the hoses during shifts

other team members join them sometimes

during a very slow 36 hour shift, vic took of her shoes and started sliding around the station in her socks

everyone else joined her

travis couldn’t stop falling over and it would make everyone crack up every time

dean tried to slide and look really cool but ended up falling on his ass

little pruitt miller has everyone in the station wrapped around her little finger

like nobody can say no to her

one time when jack was babysitting she had ice cream for breakfast

dean was not happy but couldn’t blame him

nerf gun wars all the time

jack brought a fully automatic machine nerf gun and started shooting

everyone had to duck for cover but theo got hit in the nose

however maya declared carina as a no shoot zone

if they even dare shoot her maya will kill them

with nerf of course

theo is actually a decent shooter, and can hit anyone without trying

jack got hit the most and was forced to clean up

lots of wrestling matches and pillow fights

dean usually starts them

maya finishes them

very physically affectionate with each other, lots of hugs and cuddles

ben always scolds them for misbehaving and causing havoc

he’s just being dad

theo, robert, and andy always speak in spanish when they don’t want anyone else to know what they are saying

carina attempts to do the same with maya in italian but maya is a lost cause with that

everyone always gets so excited when carina comes to the station with food

she’s the best at cooking and everyone knows it

dean wants his daughter to be educated in all cultures, and has andy and theo teach her about latinx culture

he also asks carina to teach pru about italian culture

pru picks up bits and pieces of both italian and spanish languages

maya once again feels outnumbered

andrew deluca’s photo is right next to captain herrera’s in the display case

despite not being a firefighter, he is still just as much of a hero

carina cried when she saw it

the team threw a party for carina when she became head of the OB department at grey sloan

maya and carina both cried

jack is such a deep sleeper that everyone loves putting random things on him while he rests

jack once woke up with everyone’s helmets covering his body

needless to say he was confused

vic put an entire chair on him while he slept

anyways i miss them

[accio-victuuri]

mini CPN post : friday sweets ( xzs’ video in hongkong + shared brands )

happy friday indeed! 🫶🏼

this is the video for reference.

xz and his beauty is totally the star of the video as well as xzs’ impeccable editing once again.

1. The most obvious thing is how 5 was emphasized early on in the video. It is a significant number for him because of his birthday 10/5, and the same goes for WYB. It’s both of their number. It also shows that numbers that his team focus on have meaning.

2. The lines mentioned in his vlog are as follows.

it’s not whether life is interesting or not, it’s because you love life, then it’s interesting.

This is such a nice quote, it’s not necessarily romantic but a nice advice for everyone.

the moon, is unique/the one and only, so are you.

So are you. I don’t really think he’s talking to us. Lol. My mind is just going back to the moon symbolism/cpn we have for them and how this reaffirms that. It’s a fascination that they both have. It’s so romantic!

3. Even the song they used for the video, it’s the OST for one of Leslie Cheung’s film - Days of Being Wild. The movie is also about the protagonist roaming around HK. He probably already watched this. and oh, it’s directed by WKW.

Days of Being Wild is a 1990 Hong Kong drama film written and directed by Wong Kar-Wai. Starring some of the best-known actors and actresses in Hong Kong, including Leslie Cheung, Andy Lau, Maggie Cheung, Carina Lau, Jacky Cheung and Tony Leung.

not really a cpn, but turtles are very fond of the potential that xz is a fan of leslie cheung. i mean what’s not to love and he is very popular after all.

It’s overall a really good video and doesn’t really need much cpn anymore 🫶🏼

tbh, the video makes me wish that they get to star in a hongkong-style film together.

As for the shared brands, this is something people have noticed. I understand if some may think that this is not CPN at all cause these are popular brands and i agree. It’s just that — this is how clowning works. 😂

P1 : YanYan wearing maison margiela

P2: ZZ staff with Chanel bag

P3: YanYan in Gucci

P4: Yibo wearing Polo ( Ralph Lauren )

so yeah, brands of the opposite person is appearing on them or their team. coincidence. 👀

-END

[sunflowerim]

I don't wanna say goodbye, 'cause this one means forever

Journal entries of our resident drama queen, Sirius Black. 12 birthdays. 12 entries. And a great deal of friendship, pining, love and heartbreak.

Wolfstar-Marauders hc. Word Count: 5155.

🌙💫

November 3rd, 1971

Dear Diary,

I am Sirius Orion Black and today is my birthday

I, Sirius Orion Black, turn 12 today.

This diary was a present from Andy for starting at Hogwarts but all these months I didn't know what to write here. Today, I asked James what he would do if he had a journal, and he said he would write about all his exciting days in Hogwarts so that it would be stored forever in pages.

I think today was pretty exciting, so I am going to start this journal, finally.

This birthday was quite different from the ones I've had before

My parents forgot to wish me. Or they just chose not to. Probably because I'm the first Black to have ended up in Gryffindor instead of Slytherin. It should have made any regular kid sad but I'm somewhat relieved.

I was not woken up by Kreacher loudly cleaning my room in the morning (because apparently, my room must be squeaky clean on birthdays even though no one really comes up here except to reprimand me for something), but instead by James jumping on my bed to wish me. It startled me a bit but the change was welcome.

I was not greeted in the morning by my mother or father who, at some point in the past few years had started saying that this day was an annoying reminder (well, they never really said it but actions speak louder than words), but instead with a freshly baked pie which James's mom had sent because he'd mentioned to her in his previous letter that it was his "best friend's birthday". I liked that too.

People in the hallways wished me and it made me very happy; unlike when people at home wished me lectured me about my noble birth and it made me want to hide in my room.

I did receive cards from Andy and Uncle Alphard AND received some more cards from a few friends. (Remus is excellent with cards by the way)

I had no idea birthdays could be this fun.

I really hope I can stay in Hogwarts for a long time.

P.S. Reggie did not wish me either and I wonder what’s up with him. I was expecting a letter from him. But then again, my birthdays have never been a big deal in the family (what with my rebellious streak and all) so I suppose that’s okay.

* * *

November 3rd, 1972

Hello journal, it's me again.

It's not that the past 365 days were not exciting; they were. I just forgot to write about them. Also, I doubt if I would have been able to fit an entire year's worth of adventures in a single journal. Yes, we indeed had THAT much fun.

I am a year older today and once again glad that no one from my family has been able to ruin this day for me this year either. Somehow they just decided not to acknowledge that I was ever born. Maybe they would if I was more like Narcissa or Bella. But who'd want to be like them? Gross. I'd much rather celebrate the day with people who truly care about me.

One thing that did upset me a little was Reggie's behaviour. He started Hogwarts this year and was sorted into Slytherin like the rest of our "noble" family, but it's like he doesn't even recognise me anymore. I know that my being sorted into Gryffindor was a matter of disgrace to the family but I don't understand what that's got to do with Reggie. We're supposed to be brothers, but whenever I look at him these days, he looks like a miniature version of our birth giver. I wonder who brainwashed him like that.

Actually I don't have to wonder. I know it was our mother.

Anyway, Lily once said that I should be more grateful for things I have rather than complain about things that displease me, so here:

I'm grateful that James and Remus are in my life.

I'm grateful for all the things they did to make my birthday special.

I'm grateful that I'm not lonely anymore.

Most importantly, I’m grateful to the Sorting Hat for putting me in Gryffindor. I would have missed out on everything if not for this.

And I'm not just saying these because Lily asked me to but because I really mean it. I'd be nowhere without James and Remus.

That's it for this year.

I will try not to ditch this journal until my next birthday.

Sirius Black, aged 13, signing off.

* * *

November 3rd, 1973

I am now 14, and I've just had the best birthday ever.

It was a stroke of luck that my birthday fell on Hogsmeade weekend. I couldn't have asked for anything better. Also because 3rd years are allowed to stay in the common room till late, I had the golden opportunity of attending two celebrations this week: the Gryffindor Halloween party and my birthday. Yes indeed, James and Remus pulled all the strings to throw me a birthday party after our already amazing day out in Hogsmeade. I have no idea how they managed to put together so much but it meant a lot to me.

James gifted me a two-way mirror so we could communicate during detentions. That's the best idea he's ever had! And Moony, a.k.a, Remus (Moony is his nickname now; reasons: non-disclosable) gave me an enlarged disc containing muggle music (apparently it's called vinyl, and we need a vinyl player to listen to it). Frank says he'll find a vinyl player for the common room so everyone can listen to muggle music in general, but I have decided that I will be the first one to listen to this particular vinyl, alone. I don't think I wanna share Moony's gift with everyone right away.

I love the presents and I love my friends.

P.S. I have resigned myself to the fact that my journal entries are indeed gonna be annual and not as regular as I had initially promised and I think it's better that way. I'll be able to keep using this diary for a long long time. Until I'm withered and old and will need to use magic to write instead of my tired hands.

P.P.S. James, Moony, and I go by the name 'Marauders' now and we've made quite a name for ourselves in Hogwarts. Not something my parents would be happy about and that's exactly what makes it so much better for me.

As for Reggie, he never tries to talk to me in school and keeps his distance at family dinners, like I am an object of disgust to him. It's gonna take some getting used to, but I suppose I'll manage as long as I have James and Moony.

* * *

November 3rd, 1974

I, Sirius Black, 15, have a major crush on Moony. I know this is my birthday journal and I shouldn't be pining away here, but I cannot talk to anyone about it and will combust if I hold it in any longer. Hence, the journal.

James got lucky. He can talk about his hopeless crush on Lily all the time without any restraints and he doesn't care if she rejects him a hundred times. I can't say the same for myself. Not to be dramatic but I'd be pretty devastated if Moony ever turned me away the way Lily does James. Some girls have asked me out this year and I did go to Hogsmeade with one of them last month, but I cannot seem to get Moony out of my mind.

Not to brag but a lot of girls asked me out for the Yule Ball too but I had zero desire to be bored so I went in with Moony. In hindsight, it might not have been the best idea because going to a 'Ball Dance' and trying to dance around with Moony had me panicking throughout. Why am I such a mess when it comes to him?

Over the year, Moony has randomly brought in more muggle music for me and I have loved every single one of them. I don't know how he knows just what I'd like. He just gets it.

Frank found a vinyl player for the common room, but the seller also had another slightly broken player which he was ready to give up for free, so of course I took it and fixed it, and placed it right next to my bed. Now I can listen to music anytime I want. But mostly I'm not alone because there's Moony who loves music just as much and he often joins me and tells me all about these muggle singers I'm constantly in awe of.

For this birthday he built me a tiny shelf for my vinyl records, the keyword being 'built'. Sometimes he amazes me like that, by doing things himself that could otherwise be done quicker with magic and I love the effort he puts in for other people (even though he tries really hard to come off as this guy who doesn't give two shits about anyone, he's secretly a softie).

The birthday surprise was amazing as usual.

The Marauders' birthday parties have started to cause some real hype in the school. Even people from other houses come in too (not Slytherin though, never Slytherin).

Anyway, for my next birthday, I hope Remus just gifts himself to me. Or maybe I should stop being a little shit and ask him out. But before any of that, I have to be sure of his feelings too. So far he's been constantly giving off the vibe that he absolutely doesn't want to date anyone which means, I have a LOT to work on until my next birthday.

Merlin, it's gonna be one long year.

* * *

November 3rd, 1975

I, Sirius Black, am 16 today, and an animagus. I'm an illegal one so technically I shouldn't even be writing it down here (like I haven't in the past 2 years of attempting to be one) but my charms have gotten stronger and nobody but me has access to this journal. Anyone else who opens the journal is only going to find blank pages.

Moony, my beloved, is a werewolf (Hence the nickname Moony. Get it? The moon? The furry little problem? Yeah). James and I found out about it in our 3rd year and since then we've been trying to learn about animagi and transformation so we could keep him company on full moons and this year we finally pulled it off. My animagus form is a dog. Not that I mind but I'm beginning to think that all the people who have called me a little bitch before, might have been onto something. Except I'm not little. I'm huge and I really really really hope that idiot Snape bumps into me someday while I’m in my dog form. I'm going to scare the living daylights out of him.

James' form is a stag with huge antlers so we're calling him Prongs. We have decided to call me Padfoot, but sometimes Moony just shortens it and calls me Pads, and my insides start to melt. When and how did I become such a sap?

Anyway, I'm an absolute coward who hasn't done anything in the past year except pine from a distance. And the pining wasn't even mutual. It’s so embarrassing. I think Lily is catching up but Moony, that oblivious idiot, never notices. I'm not persistent like James so I'm not hoping for a miracle.

My birthday was cool because duh, I'm a Marauder. Prongs got me a leather jacket. Apparently, it was Lily's idea, but she still doesn't like me enough to get me something herself. But I'm glad she at least gave the suggestion to Prongsie because boy do I look smashing in it.

Moony got me a photo frame with a picture of me, Prongs, and himself and I really had to hold back tears upon seeing the picture. A little backstory: a few months ago, the three of us had got dressed in tuxedos and went to a studio to get our picture taken, as a joke, because we were that bored. In fact, I'd forgotten about the picture until today; the picture that looks more like a family portrait than any picture in the hallway of Grimmauld Place. It looks real and is currently resting on my bedside chest of drawers, right next to the vinyl player. Merlin, I'm really soft for him. Maybe I really shouldn't bother talking about my crush on him and give up on the whole confession stuff. I don't wanna ruin what we have right now.

Signing off.

* * *

November 3rd, 1976

TURNS OUT THE PINING WASN'T ONE-SIDED AFTER ALL. GUESS WHO ISN'T BITCHLESS ANYMORE? THAT'S RIGHT! ME!!!

Long story short: a few months ago on Moony's birthday, we almost had a moment I guess. His birthday party had just ended and people were slowly leaving the common room and trailing back to their respective dorms and the two of us were sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace. I was tired and I almost dozed off resting my head on Moony's shoulder (!! internal screaming !!) and I think he was carding his hands through my hair (!! internal screaming intensifies !!). Anyway, a slight tug on my hair woke me up and he was like 'Don't fall asleep here let's go back to the dorm'. I will never understand what possessed me at that moment but I ended up saying, "Let's stay like this for a little while. Please." And the way he looked at me after hearing that, oh Merlin. I cannot describe it in words but it was enough to give me the confidence I'd been needing for months, and I actually pulled him closer by tugging at his shirt and I'm almost sure I'd have kissed him if Prongsie didn't choose that moment to come down looking for us. I love him to death, but at that moment, I really wanted to punch his face. The spell was broken and Moony pulled back and I faked a yawn in an attempt to be nonchalant.

But ever since then, there has been this tension between us. I think I had finally made him stop and think about things and probably recently, he finally came to a conclusion because last night at 12 after Prongs had gone back to sleep in his bed after wishing me, Moony stayed back on my bed and following some awkward small talk, actually kissed me!!

And then guess what he said?

"I hope that's okay."

Well duh, of course it's okay Moons. It's me, and it's you, so it'll always be okay.

I was too stunned to say any of it though, so I just kissed him back to make him understand that I wanted this too. That I had waited ages for this moment.

I am mad blushing as I write this. This is embarrassing.

I will not go into any further details but yeah I'm really happy today.

Another important event that happened in the past few months is that I ran away from home after last Christmas. Yes, it finally happened and I was backed by the Potters. I live with them now and I'll forever be grateful for that. On top of that Uncle Alphard had left me all his money which I could access once I turned 17, so now I'm not financially dependent on anyone (which is very important to me). Again, I shall not go into details regarding why I ran away from home because it's gonna ruin the vibe of this journal. That's something I'd rather not vent about.

Anyway, it's been better since then. The Potters take care of me. Prongs takes care of me. And Moony takes care of me. A lot. Even Lily isn't as rude. I hope things stay this way for a long long time.

Happy 17th indeed.

* * *

November 3rd, 1977

Lily and Prongs started dating this year. I wanna say I saw it coming, but that would be a lie. I think I was almost as surprised as Prongs was.

I'd thought I would be spared from Prongs ranting about Lily once they start going out and at least have the last year at school free of "Lily this"and "Lily that", but I was wrong. If anything, it has increased. But it's okay because hearing him talk about random things while the Wizarding World is slowly heading toward destruction and war is calming at times. It also seems like he's become more responsible over the past year. It suits him.

Moony and I are okay, but I'm worried about him. With the current insurgence of dark power, it feels like only a matter of time before people start coming for him. But one thing's for sure, I'll protect him with everything I have. He probably doesn't need it but the very thought of something happening to him keeps me up at night.

We've all decided to join Dumbledore once school is over to fight death eaters and You-Know-Who. I'd imagined a safe and happy future with my friends and I'm willing to fight anything that stands in its way.

I was not in the mood to celebrate my birthday but because it's my last one in school I didn't protest. We still have fun but it's overshadowed by this constant fear of something happening to the people you love. We live among enemies. We go to classes with people who might potentially join the dark side and it's hard to ignore such thoughts.

I think I would have lost my mind without Moony beside me.

I love Moony and he loves me and we've decided to live together after school is over. I don't want us to stay apart in times like this.

I genuinely feel responsible for the people around me. Maybe I really did grow up after all. We've all grown up. 11-year-old Sirius would be surprised to see 18-year-old Sirius now.

On another note, I finally lost patience with Reggie. I found him torturing younger students because they were "half-bloods" and at that moment I could see our mother in him. Nothing could have prepared me for that image of him. I interfered and overpowered him, which resulted in a burst of insults; everything that our mother would have said in that situation, word for word. Maybe I should have started fighting him from the day he started calling Remus names because of the half-blood bullshit, but Remus always used to stop me. But this time, Remus wasn't around and I was not having it. I would have fought him again if not for Prongs and Lily, who were then doing their rounds as Head Boy and Head Girl. I'm glad they stopped me though, because, despite the anger, I was too hurt and was very close to tears which is the last thing I'd have wanted Reggie to see. I never thought things would turn out like this between us.

* * *

November 3rd, 1978

School is over and I'm currently living with Moony. I feel more at ease somehow now, than when I was at school. I suppose it's because I don't feel helpless anymore. James and I started our Auror training and with every passing day we're becoming stronger. I can fight death eaters and I am capable of protecting other people. Moony couldn't join Auror training because he cannot be involved with the Ministry but he's been carrying out other missions for the Order of the Phoenix, aka the face of the fight against You-Know-Who.

My birth family, as expected, has joined the dark side. The Blacks are supposedly among the biggest supporters of You-Know-Who and I've faced immense backlash because of the name I carry.

Living with Moony is one of the only comforting things in my life right now. We've moved into a small house close to the Potters and after a whole day of meetings and missions, I am so grateful for his warmth next to me.

A lot of my friends from school joined Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix and I see them regularly. We hang out sometimes like we did today for the impromptu birthday celebration Moony put together for me. But it feels like a privilege we can't afford. Not yet. Not when death eaters are running loose and You-Know-Who is gaining power.

* * *

November 3rd, 1979

James and Lily got married at the end of last year!! And of course I was James' best man. Their getting married has given me a new sort of hope that things will be okay. They have to be. So that Moony and I can get married at some point too. And we'll all be happy. After such a shitty childhood, I deserve to be happy.

On top of everything, Lily is pregnant, which means things will have to get better very soon. James Jr. deserves to be born into a peaceful world. I am going to make sure the kid doesn't have to go through what we all did.

Moony and I don't get to spend much time together these days because of our missions and it's hard but it's a price we have to pay to secure the lives of our loved ones. Being an Auror helps me with that. I'm 20 today but I feel much much older.

* * *

November 3rd, 1980

We lost James' parents to dragon pox. They left before little Harry arrived.

Reggie is dead. So are my parents. Reasons unknown. But I'm pretty sure they got into trouble with the Ministry like most other death eaters.

Anyway, that doesn't matter now. What matters is that I have to protect James, Lily, and Harry. I won't let the war orphan him like it did James and me.

The Dark Lord is after Harry. There's apparently a bullshit prophecy that states that Harry will be able to kill him and so that moron is after a literal baby. And guess who relayed that prophecy to the Dark Lord? Fucking Snape. I knew he was bad but how evil do you have to be to do something like that?

James and Lily are to go into hiding and I am to be their secret keeper. Dumbledore said he might change the secret keeper because everyone is going to suspect that I know about it. After all, I'm close to them and if I get captured, they might torture me to get their location out of me. I know I won't give in to torture but we're trying not to take any risks.

It's not going to be Moony either. Dumbledore has sent him on a lot of missions to try and bring other dark creatures to our side and every time Moony comes back from those missions, he seems a little different. I find it hard to communicate with him these days. It might be my paranoia speaking but I am not ready to take any risks. Moreover, after me, Remus is going to be the prime suspect of being the secret keeper. So we can't risk that. I've relayed as much to Dumbledore and we will be choosing someone unsuspecting.

Turning 21 was supposed to be fun but 'fun' is something I can't even imagine anymore when I go to work every morning and round up death eater after death eater or when I find myself staring frozen at the occasional familiar name on the list of casualties.

It seems stupid to write all this down in a journal but my head will explode if I cannot vent about all that goes on in my head, so in a way, I'm glad this journal exists.

* * *

November 3rd, 1995

It's hard to believe that this journal still exists and that it has been 15 years since my last entry. I showed it to Moony yesterday and he said I should try writing again. Might be good to vent. So here goes,

I turned 36 today. But James and Lily aren't here to see me now.

We lost them to the war 14 years ago.

I couldn't save them but I wanted to rescue and take in their son, Harry, my godchild. But I couldn't even do that because I was convicted of murder. They really went ahead and put me on trial for the murder of my best friends and everyone just stood and watched. Funny how easy it was for all of them to forget that James and I were brothers once they looked at the cursed name I carried : Black.

I'm ashamed to admit that I had suspected Remus of being a spy. That I had distrusted him which led to the real spy taking advantage of it. That spy, who of all people had ended up becoming the Secret Keeper for James and Lily and consequently revealed their location to You-Know-Who, who reached them and they sacrificed their lives to protect little Harry…

I don't think I can write at length about the plethora of emotions I have on this subject. It still hurts to think about it.

You-know-who too died that night supposedly but he's back now and we are approaching another war, hopefully to end things for good this time, and I swear on my life, I'll protect the ones I love. I couldn't save James and Lily but I won't let anything happen to Harry. Moony and I will see to that.

I had been shipped off to Azkaban and I stayed there for 12 years until I made my escape 2 years ago. I will not go into details about that either, for the sake of my sanity.

Speaking of people I love, it took some time, but I think Moony and I have been able to navigate through our misunderstandings. I've altered the spell on the journal so Moony can have access to it too if he wants. This journal is possibly the only keepsake we have of our childhood together. I told him that he may read it some years down the line.

About Harry, I don't know where to start. I love that kid to death and I'll never forgive all the people who made his life this miserable. If I had known the kind of life my Godson was forced to lead, I'd have made my escape sooner and rescued him. Both Moony and I had been under the impression that he was taken care of, so he stayed away from Harry's life and I thought about him from a distance. There's only one person I'm blaming for this - Dumbledore. We were stupid for entrusting him with everything.

One day, when the war is over, I hope we can all live in peace. Harry, Moony, and me. But for now, I'm just really worried because Harry always has this tendency to dive head-first into trouble and I'm too scared to lose him. I'll have to give him some serious talk soon.

About James and Lily, it feels like I'm being repeatedly stabbed with a dagger every time I try to talk about them. When we were in school, James used to say that he hoped he'd never have to outlive any of us. That he couldn't handle the thought of being left behind. Who knew his words would come true like that? It's been 14 years but the wounds are as fresh as ever. Some grief, you aren't supposed to move on from.

Anyway, time to wrap it up. Harry and his friends are going to come over in the evening to see me and I'm so thankful for the time I get to spend with him. And Moony.

P.S. Moony if you ever decide to read this, know that I love you. That I have always loved you. That I spent every moment in Azkaban regretting my decisions. I'm sorry that I let my paranoia get the better of me and blindsight me to all that I held dear. I hope you can forgive me.

* * *

November 3rd, 1996

I'm not sure I can do this but I think it would be wrong to not continue this birthday journal.

Sirius.

How could you do this to me? To Harry?

How could you leave us a second time?

The war is still going on but your absence is eating me up from the inside. Every place I go, screams your name. We were all supposed to survive the war, you idiot. You were supposed to continue writing in this journal till you were old and withered. You can't just not keep your word.

Just when I'd finally made peace with your long absence, you came back into my life and made me realise that I never truly had moved on. How can I go through that again? I'm not ready to say goodbye. Not again. Not when you did not spend enough time with me. We've been apart longer than we were together and I hate it.

Harry has been inconsolable and more reckless than ever. Losing you really shook him to the core and I don't know what to tell him when I can't even deal with this myself. I'm losing my mind at the suddenness of it all. All I can do is keep fighting so more people don't have to lose their loved ones. The fight at the Ministry was like fuel to the fire and the war is on the way to reach full scale soon. I don't know if I'll survive this but I do know that I will ensure the safety of as many as I can.

Against my better judgement, I did end up reading your whole journal, and Pads it hurts. It hurts so much. The way I'd give anything to get back our time together in school.

To get back James, Lily, and you.

Come back.

I think it was cruel of you people to leave me alone, to make me arrange and attend all your funerals, to make me go through all this heartbreaking ordeal. To leave me nothing but your gravestones to talk to. There's only so much grief I can hold.

You just wait till I see you again.

I remember you saying that 'Dust thou art, to dust returnest' only applied to us 'earthlings' and that you'd just go back to the star you came from. It sounded like a harmless joke in school but now I just hope I can reach you wherever you are, Pads.

I cannot continue any further but I'm somewhat relieved I could add one more entry to this, that this journal could have a closure.

Happy Birthday Pads. I Love You. And goodbye I'll see you soon.

Yours forevermore,

Moony.

🌙💫

A/N: I won't say that this song inspired the whole fic but towards the end I thought that the grief I wanted to portray with this fic resonated perfectly with how this song makes me feel so I listened to it again and it kinda helped me articulate things better.

And this is the cover I was obsessively listening to while writing the last entry :

P.S. To anyone struggling with grief and loss right now, I hope that you can be okay eventually. And I hope that it can get better someday soon , if not now. Please take care.

My Other Works

[reneebrandxn]

[Ciswoman, she/her] Welcome to Aurora Bay, [RENEE BRANDON]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [AJ COOK]. You must be the [FORTY-ONE] year old [DOCTOR]. Word is you’re [NURTURING] but can also be a bit [OVEREXERTING] and your favorite song is [PERFECT BY P!NK]. I also heard you’ll be staying in [SEABROOK QUARTER].

Name: Renee Brandon Age: 41 Birthday: February 21st, 1983 (Pisces) Job: Doctor Family: Two sons, Oliver (6) and Henry (4), Husband Andy (deceased) Status: Widowed

Biography:

TW: Death

Renee Noel Brandon was born and raised in a small town in upstate New York. She was the oldest of three girls and although they were a very happy family, Renee also knew that she was being held to a higher standard than her younger sisters. Their parents were constantly busy with their businesses, which left Renee to take care of her sisters after school. She learned to cook fairly young, helped them with their homework, treated all the cuts and bruises, broke up fights and once she learned to drive, was in charge of getting them to and from school and other activities. Somehow she managed to do all of this while padding her resume for college. Renee was academically gifted and a natural athlete and her senior year, she earned a full ride scholarship to college to play soccer for Virginia Tech. It was tough to say goodbye to her family, but after taking care of her sisters for so long, she was glad to get away and do something for herself.

Her freshman year, Renee wasn’t sure what she wanted to study. She had been so focused on getting into college and taking care of her sisters she hadn’t really thought about what she wanted to be when she grew up. She maybe thought about becoming a famous soccer player but she knew that as much as she enjoyed soccer she wasn’t overly passionate about it. It was only in her second semester when she took biology and human anatomy for her undergraduate requirements did she realize that she was fascinated and truly passionate about medicine. It made sense – she had always taken care of people growing up. This way she could help them as an adult. She graduated with a degree in Pre-Med and was quickly accepted into the medical program.

A year into her program, she met Andy Brookes. He had transferred from Texas to attend the med school in Virginia. The two became fast friends, however their feelings grew and the following year, they entered into a relationship. The day they both graduated from the program, Andy proposed. He didn’t want them to grow apart. Of course, she said yes and the following year they were married. Renee got a job as a doctor in the hospital while Andy joined the military as an officer to practice medicine. Life seemed perfect – and then she found out she was pregnant with their first son, Oliver. Renee offered to drop her career to take care of their new bundle of joy but Andy knew that Renee loved what she did and didn’t want her to give up that. Andy planned to get out of the military and be the stay at home dad, he just had to finish his contract in a few years. The year he was supposed to get out, Renee found out she was pregnant again. Andy promised he would do whatever it took to get out faster, but he came down on orders to deploy and a month into her pregnancy, he left.

Andy had been gone for four months when she got a knock at the door. Renee would never forget that day when the Coronel and the Chaplain informed took her into her living room and told her the news - Andy had been killed by an IED. Just like that, her life flipped. She was left alone to take care of everything. Of her sons, one born and the other arriving soon.

They stayed in Virginia for as long as they could, but eventually, Renee needed a new start. She couldn't keep living in the house haunted by happy memories of her and her husband. Knowing that one of her sisters had moved to Aurora Bay, she got herself a job at the hospital there and moved her family, looking for a fresh start.

Headcanons:

Renee is fiercely protective of her sons. The loss of their father was hard on her oldest and she tries to keep their youthfulness and optimism protected.

She still wears hers and Andy's wedding rings on a chain around her neck.

Has not spoken to her parents. They have basically been gone from her life since she moved out. They didn't even show up to her wedding or to the birth of either of her sons. For all intents and purposes, they are dead to her.

Still keeps in contact with her two sisters.

[dailylooneys]

Happy 118th Birthday Arthur Davis (1905 - 2000)

One of the most underrated cartoon directors at Warner Bros. own Termite Terrace.

Davis first started at WB as one of Frank Tashlin’s animators up until Tashlin left to pursue his direction in live-action films, then became Bob Clampett’s animator.

He is perhaps best known by fans today as, what I call, the “Second Bob Clampett” of Warner Bros. post-Clampett. Inheriting Clampett’s old unit, sharing many artistic similarities to Clampett’s famously rubbery and elastic directional style, however, Davis’s animation was significantly slightly watered-down, it was still rubbery, but bouncy and emphasized quite heavily on drybrush effects. 

Naturally, it was Davis who completed a few of Clampett’s cartoons after leaving the studio, such as “Bacall to Arms” (his directorial debut), “The Goofy Gophers” (Mac & Tosh’s first appearance) and “The Big Snooze” (written by Clampett himself). 

Interestingly, in an interview with Milton Gray, Davis himself admitted to not understanding Clampett’s humor. Davis was also insecure of the strength of the writing in his cartoons as he put more focus on the animation and gags if he feared the writing was mediocre (but that was NOT AT ALL the case).

Davis is noted for directing only ONE Bugs Bunny short, Bowery Bugs, as there was a rule that new directors were unable to touch the cartoon studios' biggest star until they have proven themselves worthy of directed a Bugs cartoon, which also explains why Frank Tashlin, also well, directed only TWO Bugs Bunny shorts (The Unruly Hare and Hare Remover), and why Davis did more one-shots than shorts with major characters (however, this rule didn’t seem to apply to McKimson whose first cartoon star WB’s second most popular star, Daffy Duck in Daffy Doodles).

Davis’s characteristics in his cartoons, when doing either one-shots or any of the established characters, was, again similar to Clampett, as well as Robert McKimson. Davis’s take on Bugs and Daffy were close to Clampett and early-to-mid 40s’ Jones, both being wacky screwballs at their best, while Davis’s Sylvester was drastically different from the more familiar Freleng Sylvester. Davis’s Sylvester was depicted as a dimwit with a simpleton voice in “Catch as Cats Can” and once portrayed Sylvester as silent and having a unnamed brother in “Doggone Cats”. 

Later on, because of budget cuts, Davis reluctantly produced his short in Cinecolor instead of Technicolor, which was already standard for theatrical Hollywood cartoons.

Sadly, after a total of 23 shorts (ending with “Bye, Bye, Bluebeared” and his film “A Ham in a Role” being done by Robert McKimson), Davis was no longer in the directors’ chair when WB decided to do, again, budget cuts at their cartoon studio. Friz Freleng offered Davis the opportunity to be his animator without the use of his distinctly energetic animation we’ve come to associate his and Clampett’s cartoons with as the budgets got tighter and tighter. As later into the early 1960s, Davis directed “Quackodile Tears“, which was only the slow beginning of WB cartoons dark ages, and the end of an era for Hollywood animation.

Afterwards, Davis was an animator at Walter Lantz Productions (famous for Woody Woodpecker, Andy Panda and Chilly Willy), continued his directional work at DePatie-Freleng Enterprise (famous for creating the Pink Panther), then at Hanna-Barbera (coincidentally was one of the directors for the first season of A Pup Named Scooby-Doo, which I’m sure he got a kick out of), continued to animate on later Looney Tunes-related projects like The Yolks on You and Daffy Flies North (1980). He retired afterwards in 1988 and died on May 9th, 2000.

Courtesy of Cartoon Research https://cartoonresearch.com/index.php/an-art-davis-scrapbook/

A drawing Davis did when he was getting a heart bypass surgery. Here, is a caricature of a nurse who the WB character fawn over in 1980.

Davis-directed shorts:

 Bacall to Arms (1946)

The Big Snooze (1946) 

 Mouse Menace (1946) 

The Goofy Gophers (1947) 

The Foxy Duckling (1947) 

Doggone Cats (1947) 

Mexican Joyride (1947) 

Catch as Cats Can (1947) 

Two Gophers from Texas (1948) 

What Makes Daffy Duck (1948) 

A Hick a Slick and a Chick (1948) 

Nothing but the Tooth (1948) 

Bone Sweet Bone (1948) 

The Rattled Rooster (1948)

Dough Ray Me-ow (1948)

The Pest That Came to Dinner (1948)

Odor of the Day (1948)

The Stupor Salesman (1948) 

Riff Raffy Daffy (1948) 

Holiday for Drumsticks (1949) 

Porky Chops (1949) 

Bowery Bugs (1949) 

Bye, Bye Bluebeard (1949) 

Quackodile Tears (1962)

[mistydear]

soften me now, let me take as is given (xvii)

billie dean howard x reader

summary: You meet Billie in mourning. She's too professional, and you're too angry, and it takes too long to see her again. And again. And again as your lives tumble together.

w/c: 3.1k

taglist: @thedeconstructionist @cordeliass @strawberryshorttcakkee @max-the-d0g @mistysswampmud @angelxsarahp @billiedeanspearls @madamevirgo @cordithatgurl @mayfair-fleur @saucy-sapphic @whatfutureiamdead

chapter one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen

notes: much love to my anons you helped with motivation to get through the delicate parts that lead up to the fun stuff

When you stand at Margot and Danny’s front door, you can feel your heart pounding. Andy squeezes your hand, hoping to steady you, and it doesn’t work, but you appreciate the gesture. A week before this, you had an extensive conversation with Margot about Andy, about the fact that you were dating now, about how you wanted her to meet Andy. You needed her approval. There were tears and hugs, and now there was a lump in your throat the size of California, heart pounding. 

. . . 

If there was one thing Andy was teaching you, it was how to accept miracles with easy, graceful reverence. Dinner was—to put a single word to it—normal. It was fun. They played cards against humanity and ate good food and laughed about things you haven’t laughed about in ages. You didn’t forget about Kate once, but it also didn’t make the night sad. Andy ran a hand down your back and smiled, and you smiled back, thinking Kate would be happy for you. Maybe you’re happy for you. 

After dinner, when you were spending the night at Andy’s apartment, sweaty and naked on her bed, she asked you if you were happy. 

“I think so,” you mumbled into her pillow. You aren’t sure, but you feel like this is what happiness means, or what it should mean. She kissed your shoulder. “Are you?” 

“Very much.” 

You thought very much might be too big of a stretch for you and chewed your lip. Andy was devoted to you, that much you knew. If you weren’t careful, she might love you some day. 

. . . 

“And then the strippers will show up and give everyone lap dances,” Norah says, and you blink, chewing absently at your knuckle.

“Sorry, what?” you ask, turning to look at Norah’s disbelieving face. 

“Really? The strippers got you but not the tank of sharks or the motorcycle with the rings of fire?” 

“What are we talking about?” you ask, furrowing your brow, shifting in your seat on Norah’s couch. 

“My birthday party, you absolute dumbass.” Your eyes light with recognition. 

“Is it that time of year already?” 

“Shut up,” she laughs, chopping onions on her countertop. You let a smile spread across your face, easy and light. Norah’s birthday parties are stuff of legend, starting early and going all the way through to the next morning if you’re lucky. The music was reliably loud, the company reliably rowdy, and the drinks reliably plenty. You and Kate have been going for years. This will be the first one without her. “You should invite Billie,” she says with a forced nonchalance. “Now that you’re friends.” 

“First of all, it’s your birthday party, not mine. Invite her yourself. Second of all, why is Billie your first thought and not Andy?” Norah’s chopping slows, but she doesn’t look up. 

“Andy was a given, come on,” she says, glancing up then back down. “Besides, you would have agonized over inviting Billie for weeks, and I just don’t have time to deal with that. I have a party to plan.” 

“So you’re saying Billie is a given too?” you ask, something churning inside you, not exactly unpleasant, but you can feel yourself warming, cheeks burning. 

“Isn’t she?” Norah asks, looking you dead in the eye. You chew at your knuckle again, picking at your lip. Isn’t she? 

. . . 

You invite Billie to your apartment for the first time. The first time since she brought you home drunk on the anniversary of your wife’s death, maybe, but the first time sober. And you’re nervous, chest tight as you pretend to tidy up but are really just rearranging. Rearranging the pillows on your couch and the candles on your coffee table and the food in the kitchen until there’s a solid knock on your door. Feeling jittery and unprepared, you take a breath and adjust your shirt, striding to the front door in socks and jeans. When you open the door, Billie stands there in heels and slacks and a button down with her purse in her hands in front of her. 

“Hi,” you breathe, and she blinks and smiles with a modest softness you don’t see that often from her. 

“Hello.” You step back to let her in, and she slides past you, heels clicking in your entryway. “It smells good in here,” she comments, slipping off her jacket which you immediately offer to take, hands out wordlessly, maybe too eagerly. She hands it to you, warm from her body and smelling like her, rich and heady. You thumb it absently, fingers scraping across the seams as she glances around. “Is that curry?” she asks, stepping further into the apartment, and you move to follow before you realize you’re still holding her jacket. 

“It’s Norah’s recipe. She’s the cook. I just steal her ideas,” you say, hanging up her jacket next to yours. Billie chuckles, setting her purse down on your front table. “Do you, um, want something to drink?” you offer, rubbing your hand across the back of your neck. 

“What do you have?” she asks, trailing you to the kitchen. You can feel her eyes on you, soft brown but so sharp, and she doesn’t look away when you turn back to her. 

“Water, wine, beer, rum, whiskey…” you trail off, and she steps toward your wine rack, manicured fingers trailing across a bottle of pinot. Wordlessly, she hands it to you, and you nod, grabbing it by the neck and digging around for a corkscrew. Your curry is simmering on the stove, rice waiting to be served, and as you pour out two glasses, Billie flips the seasoned chicken frying on the stove. 

You haven’t cooked together since the morning after Billie slept over in your armchair. It feels like so long ago, and you feel so different with her now. It’s easier to be around her, absolutely, but you can’t help feeling like you’re teetering on the edge of something. You catch it in Billie’s eyes every once and a while, something dark and rich and tentative. Like she’s holding back. You wonder how many layers you’ll be allowed to peel away before Billie stops you. You hope she never stops you. The thought halts you, makes you hesitate when you watch Billie turn off the burner and move the frying pan off the heat. You and Billie have been through a lot together, leaning on each other when things got unbelievably hard and being there for each other’s worst moments. And still there’s something between you, some barrier you don’t know how to name, how to conceptualize, that makes everything just a little distant, a little awkward. 

“Here,” you say, hoarse, holding out a glass for Billie. She takes it, her fingers brushing yours, nails scraping your skin. The hair on the back of your neck prickles. The smile she gives you is soft, barely there, and when she sips her wine, her eyes never leave yours. Red stains her pink lips, and your chest tightens. Feeling hot, you swallow and turn away from her to tend to the food. 

The conversation turns easy after that. Billie complains about the interviews she’s constantly doing, complains about Lisa Cole’s moniker for her, how it follows her everywhere. 

“Medium to the Stars,” she scoffs as the two of you sit down across from each other at your dining table. 

“It’s catchy,” you shrug, chuckling, and she glares at you. “How’re those rumors going? Still circulating?” 

“Which ones,” she drones, stabbing her fork into a piece of chicken. “How I’m the slut of Hollywood?” 

“Yeah, that one,” you clarify, resting an elbow on the table, and Billie looks up at you, her expression something you can’t place. 

“Dissipating,” she answers carefully. “Worried I’m keeping secrets?” she asks, something daring creeping into her tone. Your cheeks flush unexpectedly, and you shrug, chewing slowly. 

“Just curious, I guess. You’re not good at volunteering information. It’s like pulling teeth with you,” you try to joke, and Billie’s eyes dart across you, fork hovering in the air as if she’s assessing your truthfulness. 

“I’m not seeing anyone if that’s what you’re wondering,” she answers, and the air prickles between you. Were you wondering? You chew your lip. Yeah, you were. “How’re things with Andy?” You take a breath, sitting up straighter. 

“Fine,” you shrug. 

“Fine?” she teases, leaning forward, trying to find your gaze. Your chest twists with anxiety, and you squirm, debating whether to say anything. You haven’t even talked to Norah about this. 

“I think she may be falling in love with me,” you blurt, meeting Billie’s eyes. She attempts to conceal her surprise, but you can read her well enough now to dissect the little flickers in her expression. 

“Oh.” It’s a resigned sort of noise, which strikes you as odd as she leans back in her chair, but there’s a question buried there too. Her blonde hair is immaculately curled, makeup light and rosy, shirt effortlessly pressed and form fitting, but her eyes are deep and stormy and frantic, and you don’t know how to examine that without picking her apart. “Are you in love with her?” Her voice is careful and tight, and in a rare moment of vulnerability, she doesn’t make eye contact with you, scrambling to reassemble her mask. 

You can’t help but think back to Billie’s bedroom when something took hold of her, spoke through Billie’s mouth and used Billie’s body and made Billie’s eyes so unrecognizably dark. Whatever was inside her that night said something you’ll never forget. 

I know your secret too. I know how you really feel about Andy.

It was dark and malicious, and you didn’t know what it meant until this very moment. Until you were faced with a question to answer. 

“Andy’s been teaching me a lot about how to accept happiness after Kate,” you say, setting down your fork. “And it’s gotten easier. To let myself be happy. I just…feel guilty, I think.” 

“You shouldn’t—” Billie starts, but you shake your head. 

“Not about Kate,” you swallow, a lump in your throat. “About Andy.” Billie blanches. 

“You don’t love her.” Her voice is distant and empty, and you look down at your food. 

“I want to. I should,” you squirm, and Billie’s silent for a long moment. You both are. Your heart is pounding at the admission, and Billie’s stiff as a board across from you. When you glance up at her, her chest is red and blotchy beneath her starched shirt, and you watch her swallow. 

“I truly believe that some people come into your life to teach you lessons.” 

“Like fate?” you chuckle, watching her carefully. She shrugs, setting her hands in her lap. 

“Like some bigger consciousness. Like…” she sighs, “coincidences that don’t feel like coincidences.” 

“Are you religious, Billie?” you ask, the air growing delicate between you. The answer doesn’t feel as obvious as it should, but you know that she’s spiritual. You never were, not until recently. 

“I’m god fearing, if that’s what you mean,” she answers with a steadiness you need in that moment, even if the answer unsettles you. 

Later, after dinner is cleaned up and you're on your second glasses of wine, you pull out a murder mystery game. Billie laughs when she sees you come back with it, setting her glass down on a coaster and toeing off her heels. 

“What is that?” After you explain how it works, that you have objectives and evidence to sort through and that it’s like a big complicated puzzle, she hums, grabbing the first objective. “Prove Joe Thorton is lying about his alibi. Simple enough.” 

“Simple en—Billie, please reign in your ego,” you scoff, snatching the envelope from her hand. She turns to you, eyes burning, but lets you sort through the evidence, reading newspaper clippings and witness statements aloud. Folding one leg over the other, she watches you, pensive and contemplating, resting back on her hands. She seems content to listen to you read, but you can tell how fast her brain is turning. 

Then as soon as you’re done, she posits a theory. You ask her for the evidence. She points to an article. When you disprove it with a witness statement, her jaw clenches. 

“What about Sally’s autopsy report?” she asks. “The coroner said the blow to her head must have come from a left handed person.” 

“That doesn’t prove that Joe is lying about his alibi,” you shoot back, and Billie unfolds her legs, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her spread knees. It’s something you quickly realize means she’s trying to focus. Logically, you know that Billie’s natural and relaxed state isn’t legs crossed, shoulders back, but seeing her unfold here in front of you makes you melt just a little bit. She trusts you. You. 

After twenty minutes of going back and forth on the evidence through rounds of sometimes friendly disagreements, Billie grabs a photo and the little magnifying glass it comes with. After a moment of frustration, she waves her hand and purses her lips. 

“Yes?” you ask, amused. 

“Grab my purse,” she instructs, then looks up, distracted. “Please,” she adds, embarrassed, and you smirk but do as instructed. When you plop back down on the couch next to her, knees brushing, she rifles through it, setting it on the floor by her heels. She comes back with a pair of glasses, flicking them open and sliding them on dismissively before hunching back over the photo. You watch her with growing interest, a smile spreading across your cheeks. “The time on the clock,” she says abruptly, “It’s—” She looks up at you, startled to find you staring right at her. A blush colors her cheeks, eyelashes flickering across you. “What?” Her voice is hoarse. 

“You wear glasses?” you ask, voice lilting up. She hesitates, mouth opening and closing, glasses resting so delicately on her nose. She’s embarrassed, you can tell, and moves to pull them off. You catch her hand and squeeze it, thumb swiping across warm, delicate fingers. “Don’t. It’s cute.” You blush intensely at your words, and Billie blanches. “I mean, it’s…you’re…you look good.” 

“I don’t let people see me in them,” Billie says quietly. “I feel ridiculous.” 

“You shouldn’t,” you assure her, pulling Billie’s hand away from her face. She doesn’t let go of it, holding your hand in her lap. You swallow, aware of how your knees are touching, how you can smell Billie’s perfume and the floral shampoo in her hair. “Let’s, um, see if you’re right,” you say, pulling out your phone. Quietly, softly, Billie intertwines your fingers. Quietly, softly, with your heart pounding in your ears, you let her. You pull up the website with the answers, and she leans close to you to see your phone. Hesitantly, you look over at her, but she’s focused elsewhere, her lashes long and delicate against her face, nose smooth and sloping, lips soft and red. You could kiss her. You could kiss Billie Dean Howard right now. Something seizes in you, and you lick your lips. 

“I am,” she says then, smirking, eyes floating to yours. 

“What?” 

“Right about the clock. It proves Joe was lying,” she says, eyes searching your face, lips pulled into a smile over perfect teeth. God. God dammit. 

“Billie?” 

“Yes, Y/N?” she asks, quieting. You can tell the way her chest is rising and falling that she’s breathing just as irregularly as you, and that scares you so bad your stomach twists, and…

“Norah’s throwing a party. I want you to come.” Billie’s features soften and settle, and she swallows. 

“Of course,” she says, choked, and your heart is beating so hard you think you may pass out. Why are you so nervous? It’s just Billie. 

“Her birthdays are notoriously insane, so prepare yourself.” 

“Notoriously?” she asks, teasing, and you nod, feeling your adrenaline slowly subside. “How would you suggest one prepares, then?” 

“Wear layers. Someone will spill something on you. Guaranteed,” you start, and Billie hums, looking down at you over her glasses. Something about her voice, low and even, about the glasses, about her eyes is so unwaveringly intoxicating you find yourself leaning into her. “Do not drive. You will be too drunk to walk.” 

“Noted,” she says, a smile creeping into her voice. Her thumb begins tracing yours, holding steady, and she pulls your hand just a little closer to her. 

“And be prepared to be hit on,” you say, your eyes drifting across her face. She huffs out a laugh, and her breath comes out on your cheek. 

“Really?” 

“Norah’s a fan,” you admit, and Billie leans back a little, surprised. 

“A fan?” she asks, searching your eyes. You nod. 

“When you first came to Corner Store for the Signs Unseen reading she was practically drooling,” you laugh, and Billie flushes. “She gets affectionate when she’s drunk.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she chuckles, eyes searching yours. “Anything else?” You hum and shake your head. You think you're closer to Billie than you remember. She blinks and seems to realize it too because her smile fades. “We should move on. To the second objective,” she mutters, letting go of your hand, and you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. Swallowing, you nod. 

“Right.” Billie uses her free hand to take off her glasses, and you feel like a spell has been broken, something irreplaceable gone between you. The space feels wider, colder, as Billie reads the second objective. 

Still, she’s here with you, her feet bare, her shoulders relaxed, knees brushing. It’s intimate in a way you haven’t been with Billie, warm and close. You immediately miss it even though it’s not quite gone, crave it even though you aren’t sure what it is you’re craving. 

When the night inevitably comes to an end, you walk her to the door, her heels dangling from her fingers. You watch as she slips them on so effortlessly, sighing as she stands, cheeks flushed with wine, eyes shining and heavy. 

“Thank you for inviting me over. I don’t get to have very many quiet evenings like this. It was nice,” she admits, holding her hands in front of her. You chew your lip and smile. 

“It was really nice. Thank you for solving a murder with me.” She holds back a laugh, her smile bursting, and then you’re leaning in for a hug. She reciprocates easily, arms wrapping around you, holding you against her. You can feel her breathing against you, feel her warmth. Absently, you rest your head on her shoulder, and she leans into you, swaying lightly. When you pull back, her hands linger, brushing hair off your ear for you and trailing down your arms. 

“Goodnight, Y/N.” 

“Night, Billie.” 

She slips on her jacket, buttons it with deft fingers, and gives you a private smile that makes the whole world fall away. And when you close the door behind her, your apartment is cold but you’re so warm with Billie, Billie, Billie. 

[nicascurls]

Strangeness and Charm - Part Three

Word Count: 2.2K

Summary: Season 1 AU where Andy and Kyle arrive at Charles Lee Ray’s old house before Tiffany leaves with Junior and Nica and ultimately save them. Set in 2017, two weeks after Cult since that's when the show was originally mentioned to be set and in my opinion, makes the most sense.

Notes: Yay! Nica’s awake, I love her and I loved exploring her thought process in this part as well as Kyle and Andy’s since someone *cough cough* Don Mancini *cough cough* seems to neglect their feelings. Also I’m a complete sucker for BarclayPierce, so there are hints in this part and finally, happy birthday once again to Alex Vincent.

Tags: @streets-in-paradise @losersclubisms @silvershewolf247 @cornerofhell​

The first thing Nica was aware of was a feeling of comfort. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt that, it must have been what? Four years? Closer to five, actually. 

But, oh God what does that mean? She let out a soft whimper as she tried to remember what happened before she passed out. She just hoped that this was her waking up and not her regaining control. 

That's when fear struck her, after the first time she regained control she knew there was nothing she was safe from. She slowly began to open her eyes against the sun rays on her face, dreading the sight of the blonde psychopath she expected to be greeted with. 

"Andy, Kyle! It looks like Nica is waking up." 

Andy? Kyle? And that voice definitely wasn't Tiffany's but Nica couldn't bring herself to get her hopes up. 

She fully opened her eyes, squinting against the light and began to push herself up to sit. That's when she met eyes with the 6 people in front of her, four teens, two she could remember from before, the others she didn't recognise. And then two adults, a blonde woman, but not Tiffany. Definitely not her and a man, close to her age. Possibly a few years older and something about him seemed familiar, she couldn't quite place what.

Wait.

Andy, Andy Barclay?

She supposed it could be possible but she knew the dangers of getting her hopes up. The last time she did that she was faced with Tiffany telling her that Alice was gone before gleefully dumping her killer in her lap.

"Where am I?" Nica asked, doing her best to keep her voice steady. She couldn't afford to show weakness, not when she was already at a disadvantage.

"Uh, Hackensack. We brought-" Junior started, taking a step forward before stopping when he saw Nica flinch. "I'm sorry, I should have thought about that."

Nica remained tense, eyes darting from one person to the next. Andy was becoming more alert now and slowly moved closer to the sofa bed.

"Look, we're not going to hurt you, you're safe. Okay, Nica?"

She made no attempt to move again but kept her eyes fixed on the man in front of her. She was doing her best to read his emotions, to find some form of malicious intent that she had grown so used to seeing in people but she couldn't find it.

"How do you know who I am?"

"It's kind of a long story but I'm Andy-"

"Andy Barclay?"

"Yeah..."

At this point Kyle put her guard up, Andy had said they needed to be cautious, that Chucky could trick them and she already had to get her brother out of a padded cell because of this one.

"You hear that from Chucky?" She asked sternly, if it was Nica she didn't want to scare her but she just couldn't risk it.

"Wha- No. I did some research the night he killed my family. I had been suspicious about where the doll came from and came across an article from '88. But, you know what he did don't you?"

"You mean possessing you in an asylum?" Jake responded.

"Yeah, that."

"Look, I'm sorry about this," the blonde woman. Kyle? Began, " but how do we know this isn't Chucky talking now?"

"Believe me, if it was Chucky he'd be up and moving by now. The most I can do is drag myself around." Nica responded bitterly, that was one of the facts she resented the most. That he could walk in her body when she had always been considered as less by people because he took that from her.

"How did I get here?"

"Oh um, Andy found both of us in Tiffany's car and him and Kyle got us out before she came back." Junior started, he made sure to stay where he was and kept his hands in plain sight. He had never wanted to hurt Nica in that house but he knew Nica really had no way of knowing that, the last thing he wanted to do was scare her again. "Look, what happened at the house. I, I didn’t, wasn't going to hurt you. I just didn't know what to do or what they would do."

Nica looked at the boy, she could see the same nervousness in his face as she did in that house. She was still hesitant but she knew she couldn't hold what happened against, Junior? As far as she knew, he could have ended up just like Alice if it hadn't been for Andy and Kyle. 

"It, it's okay," Nica began, "believe me I know how manipulative Chucky can be."

"We've got pizza if you're hungry, it's pretty cold now but-" Jake then cut Lexy off, "Or we have other food in the kitchen." 

"The pizza will be fine." Nica responded quickly, she couldn't remember the last time she ate and she imagined Chucky isn't one to take care of himself, especially in her body.

"Here, take your pick." Devon passed her a pizza box containing all of the leftover slices. 

"Thank you." Without further discussion Nica took the first piece she saw, without even acknowledging the toppings. She couldn't remember the last time she had a meal that wasn't God awful hospital food, let alone pizza.

"I'm guessing you still have a lot of questions." 

Nica, looked up at Andy and slowly nodded. She finished off the slice of pizza before responding.

"Uh, yeah. Honestly, I'm not really sure where to start."

"How about we tell you what we know and then you do the same for us?" Kyle suggested as she entered the room again with a glass of water, "I thought you might be thirsty."

"Thanks." Nica responded, reaching for the glass with a small smile.

The others proceeded to explain everything they knew about the current situation as Nica finished off the pizza, grateful to have anything close to a decent meal. 

"Well that explains why Chucky wanted me to kill, I knew there had to be something in it for that bastard." 

"Chucky tried to make you kill? When?"

"Just before he possessed me at Harrogate, one of the doctors."

"Foley?" Andy asked hesitantly. The mention of that man's name made Nica shudder before turning to Andy. 

"How'd you know that?"

"It's kind of a long story but I had spoken to him a few times."

"Why?"

"To, um, to try and visit you or prove you innocent I guess." 

Andy's eyes kept flickering down to the floor, too shy to watch Nica's reaction to what he just told her. He made the mistake of taking a quick glance at the others only to be met with Junior with a much bigger smirk on his face than before, almost identical to the one Kyle was pulling next to him. The same one she pulls when she thinks she knows better, or when he says he's not a bad driver. Which he isn't.

Meanwhile, Nica wasn't sure what to do. She was still trying to comprehend what Andy said, and why would he do that? Genuine kindness had been such a rare thing for her since Chucky, it felt alien to her. She wanted to ask more about it, but she could see Andy nervously looking at the floor and decided it was best to ask them with less of an audience.

"Sorry," Kyle began, "but going back to the subject of possession, I guess we should ask how often you've been in control."

"Um, about two or three times I think. I think there have been some moments where I'm slightly aware of what was going on but I didn't have control."

"Well, when were the times you were in control?"

Nica hid her face in her hands for a second, trying desperately to fight the headache that began whenever she tried to think about past moments she was in control over Chucky.

"The first time I remember was November 8th so that was, what's the date today?"

"November 13th" Jake pitched in.

"Right. 5 days ago, okay. Then it happened again, I think a day or two later? Then again when you two were there." Nica gestured over to Junior and Devon before directing her next question to the latter. "Actually, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you get to that house?"

"Oh, I had gone to investigate." Devon responded quickly, anxious to go into further detail after seeing the confusion Nica had faced since being possessed. Although, the attempt was in vain. Nica could tell something was wrong and then it hit her.

"Oh God!" She began, "I was the one that hurt you, wasn't I? I'm so sorry, are you okay n-"

Devon immediately cut off her apologetic rambling,  "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine now. Honestly, it's alright. I know it was Chucky, it's not your fault."

Nica, looked over at the boy and gave him a smile and a small nod of thanks.

“So, do you have any idea what makes you change?” Lexy questioned.

“Um,”

“Tiffany slapped her when we were there,” Junior cut in, “that’s what made her switch back to herself. Don’t know how much that helps though.”

“Actually, it might. When I woke up the first time there was a guy that was tied up, I tried to free him but he ended up hitting me, which makes sense I guess but that’s the last thing I remember from that.” 

“What about the other time? Is there anything else that could have an effect?” Kyle pitched in, leaning closer.

“Uh, Tiffany hit me in the back of the head with something, that’s the last thing I remember from the second time. As for other things, blood maybe? That always seems to be near Chucky and Tiffany, I’m not sure if that affects anything though.”

“We could always test it!” With that Junior got up and made a move for the kitchen, Andy jumped up in response. “Woah, Kid what are you doing?!”

“Getting a knife.” Junior then clocked the concerned expressions of the others in the room. “Not like that. Just a small one, you know? To make a little cut and see if the blood works. No big deal.”

“Hang on,” Nica responded, looking around the room. “Someone tie my legs first, that will at least stop Chucky a little,  if this does work.”

Kyle swiftly picked up the rope on the ground that had bound Nica’s hands previously before moving towards Nica, who moved the blanket to one side. Kyle made quick work of tying Nica’s ankles together, double and triple knotting the rope just to be sure. That was when Junior returned to the room with a small vegetable knife, the sight of it caused the nerves to begin to sink in for Nica and she turned to her right to see Andy giving her a small reassuring smile.

“You ready?” Kyle asked, taking the knife from Junior and putting her own gun on the table next to her as Andy held his own, suddenly avoiding all eye contact with Nica. Nica took a deep breath, “Yeah.”

Kyle made a small cut on the palm of her hand before turning it to Nica, her gun now in the other hand. It only took a second of looking at the blood before the dreaded sinking feeling washed over her again and she let out a small whimper of fear before falling back.

The others kept their eyes fixed on her form, a gun in each of the adults’ hands. That was when Chucky let out a groan, pushing himself up and clicking his neck. 

“Kids, stand back.” Andy warned them, they didn’t need to be told twice, Devon had already begun to move back, grabbing Jake's hand to make sure he followed. Next to them, Lexy and Junior did the same. 

Chucky opened his eyes, legs struggling against the binds and looked around before he landed on Andy pointing the gun at Nica’s body. Chucky let out a smug chuckle before speaking, “Well, this is familiar. Ain’t it, Andy?” All of them remained silent, Andy seemingly frozen in place, refusing to take his eyes off of Chucky. “What? Ya not gonna shoot this time? No, of course ya won’t, not now you know she’s still in here.”

“Shut it, fucker.” 

“Wouldn’t want to shoot a pretty girl, r- agh!” Chucky was cut off as Kyle fist collided with Nica’s face, causing Chucky to fall back once again. Nica let out a gasp as she regained control before slowly sitting up again. “I’m guessing it worked.” she said weakly as she raised a hand up to her jaw.

“Uh huh,” Lexy responded, slightly bewildered. “At least we know how to get you back now.” Nica smiled at that, it was nice feeling as if she had some form of control again, and it seemed the others were reassured by that as well. Well, all except Andy, who seemed to be avoiding looking at her at all costs. 

Kyle decided to take over before things got awkward, “Right, so now that theory has been proven right, What’s the plan?”

[intothewickedwood]

End of Year Quezzies

Happy New Year! I think it would be fun to reflect on highlights from last year, especially in regards to fandom. This is a compilation of questions inspired by various ask games x x

Top 5 songs you listened to for the first time last year?

1.Out of the Dark (Monster High)

2.Playing His Game (Death Note: The Musical)

3.Stalemate (Death Note: The Musical)

4.Where Can I Run? (Adamandi)

5.Me, Myself and I (Adamandi)

Top 5 Songs released last year?

1.Reason We've Got Magic from (Monster High 2)

2.Not How Our Story Goes (Monster High 2)

3.You Don't Know (Monster High 2)

4.Dirty Girl (Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

5.Nerdy Prudes Must Die (Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

Album released last year?

Nerdy Prudes Must Die (Original StarKid Cast Recording) by Team Starkid

Musical artist / group of the year?

Starkid!

Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

Melliot's musicals!

Movie watched for the first time last year?

Stay (2017)

Movie released last year?

Monster High 2!

TV show of the year?

Legacies

TV Show released last year?

Wolf Pack

Most memorable episode of a show last year?

3x08 Long Time, No See from Legacies was one I rewatched a few times as I loved it so much

Top 5 musicals watched this year?

1.We Are The Tigers

2.VHS Christmas Carols

3.Nerdy Prudes Must Die

4. Adamandi

5. Death Note: The Musical

Game of the year?

Sims 4: Horse Ranch

Character of the year?

Lizzie Saltzman! (Legacies)

Top 5 new favorite characters last year?

1.Draculaura (Monster High)

2.Vincent Aurelius Lin (Adamandi)

3.Quincy Cynthius Martin (Adamandi)

4.Claire (Stay 2017)

5.Tabby Haworthe (Pretty Little Liars: Original Sin)

Ship of the year?

Cairo x Riley (We Are The Tigers) and Mizzie (Legacies). I can't choose! Also I was this year years old when I found out my long-time otp Mizzie were canon endgame! Still screaming over that!!

Top 5 new ships last year?

1.Dracudeen (Monster High)

2.Quincent (Adamandi)

3.Claire x William (Stay 2017)

4.Holy Ghost (Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

5.Finsie (Legacies)

Best month for you this year?

Probably December. I love the holiday season!

Something you want to do again next year?

Go to the cinema more! I think I went only once this year. Would love to go to the theatre too! It's been a while!

How was your birthday last year?

It went pretty well. I just chilled at home and watched my favourite musicals.

Favorite book you read last year?

Fraternity by Andy Mientus was amazing! A real page turner! One of the best, most engaging books I've read.

What was the most delicious meal you enjoyed last year?

I really wanna get into reading Ella Enchanted. I've heard good things!

What’s something you learned this year?

All the advantages of foot massages! And that keeping an 'Affirmation Board' on notion is an extreme help. I use gallery view and I put gifs and positive quotes from my favourite media and characters to look at when I'm having a bad day. I also put techniques for coping that include pressure points, breathing techniques and tips for dealing with my sensory issues, sometimes paired with a gif of a scene that reminds me of it. Wish I'd started on it years ago but it's better late!

Favorite place you visited this year?

Just the town nearest mine. It's my favourite town!

What was the most impactful life lesson you learned?

Copy & Pasted from my Affirmation Board: "There will never not be something wrong that upsets you. Perfection is a myth. Happiness is focussing on the good despite the sadness, guilt & shame that always bubble beneath. Concentrating on, replaying or having negative feelings about what hurts won’t solve the problem or make it go away. It’s ok to let it go & not punish yourself." - Quote By Me xD. I like to give myself the illusion of control over thoughts lol but looking at this has been the most helpful thing on my affirmation board for me.

[faciensmel]

(Ashley Moore) [THE APIARIST]. Please welcome [PANDORA 'ANDY' FLOWERS (SHE/HER)] to Huntsville, WV. They are an 28]-year-old [RESIDENT] who lives in [TOWN]. You may see them around working as a [SCHOOL BUS DRIVER/ENTERPRENEUR]. Poor unfortunate soul. We’ll see if they survive

Stats:

Name: Pandora Valeria Flowers Nicknames: Andy, Panny Age: 28 years old Birthday: March 13th, 1996 Occupation: School bus driver/Beekeeper Hometown: Huntsville, WV  ☼ Pisces ☾ Capricorn ↑ Aries

Andy was born and raised in Huntsville. Her parents were hard workers and loved farming therefore settled to live and grow their family in Huntsiville where they could acquire a house with large garden. Andy grew up gardening and tending for the few farm animals they had such as chickens and pigs. The family had three daughter's, Ariadne was Mrs. Flower's daughter from her first marriage back when she worked as a lecturer in Brooklyn. Their mother was swept away by the towns man that Mr. Flowers was, happy to leave the big city life for a small town living. When Andy was 2 years old, Thalia was born and Pandora got her best friend for life.

Ariadne moved out of Huntsville as soon as she turned eighteen, Andy knew that she and her parents had some sort of disagreement and that's why she'd left but never learnt what it was about. Pandora kept in touch with her sister for a while, mostly during birthdays, but their interactions were far and few so Ariadne probably didn't think much when they ceased.

Pandora lost Thalia in the first year of the ghost appearances. Her mother and Thalia risked going back home after dark when they overstayed at a friends and that Andy and her father never saw them again.

Her father took care of Pandora and their house but anyone could see he was half the man he used to be. The joy of life put out by the loss this town brought upon him. Andy knew she wasn't the right daughter to have survived, and the fact she looked like her mother was just a painful reminder. She never blamed her father for being distant, he did the best he could, and she was grateful he taught her everything about farming. Andy was especially keen on beekeeping, reading every book on it and ways she could use the produce from her hive. She found it extraordinary and how the lifecycle of the hive was so interlinked with the beautiful flowers in her meadow, both codependent of each other.

Andy's father died right before her twentieth birthday, his heart couldn't take it was the official version. She was devastated but she knew he had finally let go of this world when he knew he'd taught Andy all she needed to survive.

Pandora always preferred solitude, or a small group. She prefers to spend her time in nature and occupies herself with tending her gardens and beehives. After school Andy started working as the bus driver for the school in her spare time. But mostly she concentrated on expanding her honey business, she's the main supplier for honey and mead in town and even if she only have a small close knitted group of friends most people know of her through her trade.

Currently Pandora lives in her family's house, still taking care of a small pack of chickens and her lovely beehive. Although she likes her solitude after her father died she realized she didn't want to be all alone. Andy was lucky her friend Artemis moved in with her. Andy also has a cat named Ten that she spoils to no end.

Personality:

+ hard working, brave, wild

- cynical, timid, immature

Wanted Connections:

let's bee friends - a person who comes and helps her out with the bees, i imagine this as a person who's talking to andy while she's doing her beekeeping stuff but can.

seven minutes or less - andy's first kiss. a very awkward encounter while playing the game when she was 14.

a little favor - people in school that were andy's friends so she'd give her homework for them to copy. once andy caught up with what's happening she'd still do it cause pretend friends are gateway friends.

pick up lines - someone andy goes foraging with. she has a pretty big garden with stuff she grows herself but as a gatherer goes to forest regularly to berry pick and stuff, andy is obsessed with wild garlic.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31, 2021 Going to end up having 6 anxious days in January and tomorrow will be my third skip since I still don’t feel 100% better. I have zero hope of ever overcoming this. The old me really is gone forever. I feel like I’m being punished for some horrible thing I never did.

Going to try a new experiment where I skip every other week no matter how I feel to see if that prevents it from occurring in the first place.

I found two cases of two different doctors online that say it’s better to skip your thyroid meds if you forget a dose rather than double up and risk ODing. So once again, my doctor lied by saying I shouldn’t have had the problems I had back when I thought I double-dosed. Even Doc O told me to double up the next day if I forgot a dose. Now that I know that yes, you can OD on an extra dose even if it may not be lethal, maybe I really did double dose after all when I first started having problems even though it’s unlikely. I’ll never know. I just know that at this point it really is either the medication or something in my brain chemistry that went wrong around the time I started it since I can’t blame it on changing hormones anymore since they’ve already changed. So unless they changed for the absolute worst, I still say most of it has always been on the meds.

There’s this older woman in Arizona that I’ve become cyber friends with on PB. She says that not only was the mammogram she had done just shy of her 50th birthday in the late 90s painful but when they detected a suspicious spot, she said the needle biopsy hurt more than the natural births of her two kids combined. Precisely why I don’t bother with mamos!

If skipping again tomorrow doesn’t help, then the problem is likely the new statins. I’m not gonna pay $75 for the more expensive brand that doesn’t make me as anxious if that’s what it is, even if it’s for 3 months’ worth, so gonna quit statins if skipping the Levo doesn’t help. Not worth feeling miserable to maybe prevent a heart attack/stroke I may never have. If something doesn’t have symptoms, I would rather just let it kill me than put myself through painful testing and medication that may backfire on me. I’ve lived long enough, I don’t have any dependents, and I know Tom would get by just fine being the hermit that he is. When he says he could easily never go out again in his life and have everything he needed delivered to him, I totally believe that. Nothing wrong with that contrary to what judgemental people like Andy may believe as we are who we are and we’re not all the same. Me, I do like to get out at least once a week but with the pandemic, it’s stupid to take unnecessary risks other than a trip out to Rite Aid every now and then. We’ll probably go there either this morning or tomorrow morning.

Shit. I forgot the food. Sugary treats and frozen pizza can fuel my anxiety, both of which I’ve had, especially when I’m due for a levo skip. Tom also thinks it’s partly my schedule and being alone too long because he slept longer than expected. I just hope tomorrow is a better day! I’ll definitely go back to eating healthy and skip another dose. Better to miss variety in my diet than to suffer. But if I’m still anxious tomorrow then I’m really going to start wondering about those statins even though I tend to agree with Tom in that they shouldn’t cause that compared to something like the thyroid medication.

Later…

Slept long and well. No nightmares. I feel better. I think. It’s too early in my day to get my hopes up but it’s looking like yeah, it was just another one of those wonderful thyroid storms that most doctors will tell you don’t exist. If, however, I do get anxious later on, I’m going to stop the statins for a week and see how I do. Then I’ll start them back up and we’ll see what happens. But it’s looking like we were right about those not being the culprit. I never truly thought they were but it’s too soon to get my happy dance on. Don’t wanna jinx things by jumping the gun but yeah, I’m better. I feel it. Actually, it’s what I don’t feel. That God-awful adrenaline kick in my chest.

Now if only Tom’s back could get better too! And my bestie’s belly.

Decided I am going to go ahead and do automatic skips on or around the 1st and 15th of each month to see if it wards off the anxiety in the first place. I won’t skip tomorrow because I skipped today. If doing this helps, that would not only be a huge relief for me but it would also confirm the poison as the main culprit even more. The only two Levo side effects I’ve ever had that went away were lightheadedness and hair loss.

Got an idea for another long-term project after I finish running journals through Grammarly and all that. Well, who says I have to wait until I’m dead to publish them? All I have to do is pull out sensitive info by going through them one by one.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30, 2021 Ugh, last night was not a fun night. I was wound up all night even though I skipped my meds. I realize that levothyroxine doesn’t leave the system that fast, but a horrible thought came over me. What if it’s connected to the new brand of statins I started a few days ago? That’s about when it started too. Really hope it’s just a typical anxiety spell connected to the thyroid meds building up in my system and nothing more! It seemed like I couldn’t get much relief no matter what I did. Yoga, tapping, acupuncture…

Tom being awake when I’m feeling shitty helps even though it doesn’t. I mean his presence can’t magically make it go away but it’s still nice to have him around. He’s decided that on account of his back issues, he’s going to try sleeping in spurts. That would be fun! Then he’s not awake long enough where I feel like I don’t have enough alone time yet he’s not asleep long enough for me to feel like I have too much of it either.

Emotional suffering is definitely way worse than physical suffering. You would think that it would be the other way around if it’s simply a thought or an emotion, but it’s not. It was definitely a lot more emotional than physical too. I didn’t actually feel waves of adrenaline stabbing me in the chest so much as that feeling. The one that’s very hard to describe. I’m not sure if depressed or anxious is the right word but I guess it’s a mix of both. Just that feeling of things not being right. A sense of unhappiness and insecurity and the fear of having to deal with this on and off for the rest of my life.

I created a new Twitter account just to log my health and moods. I don’t know if I’ll stick with it but we’ll see. I’m also curious to see if Aly blocks it from her other account or if she figures it would be pointless if I already know about the account.

Part of the scab that had formed over the largest red spot on my lower leg peeled off but it’s just as red as it has been.

We got some papers from the park and I don’t understand why. It contains the same info we went over when we first moved in here.

Decided to get a drill with an LED light in it. I would have preferred to get just one lighted drill but since accessories usually come with other things, there are actually three different lighted drills, and the cutest drills of all are colorful polka-dotted drills with large “diamonds” on top of them. Plus, I’ve got more trays and glue.

Had a bunch of weird dreams. A couple of them were bordering on nightmares that I also hope aren’t connected to the new brand of statins. Really hope I don’t have to take only the last brand I took because that one was more expensive at $75. But I definitely slept shitty, waking up every hour or two.

In one dream, one of my uncles (Ronnie?) was old, feeble, and walking on crutches. I was in a fairly decent-sized room with a bed, a table, and other items. Tom was asleep on the bed and someone was sitting at the table. I think it was a woman.

As soon as I spotted him, I frowned with anger and approached him. “Hey,” I said, “let’s see you bully and threaten me now. Go on, threaten me.” All the while I was taunting him as he would with me when I was just a kid, I poked him in the shoulder.

He looked meekly down at the floor without saying a word.

Finally, I said, “I didn’t think so,” and just as I turned to walk away, I saw anger and determination take over his features and he began to follow me. For some reason, this scared me and I quickly moved away even though he could barely walk even with crutches, and one swift punch or kick would have sent him into oblivion.

I kept hoping Tom would wake up as I began to turn it into a game of sorts and taunt the guy with a game of Catch Me if You Can but he never woke up. Then I picked up my mug of coffee from the table and threw it at him just to find it empty before I woke up.

Then I had another scary dream about swimming in a pool as the plastic pool cover was closing and racing towards the end to jump out before it could trap me.

In the last dream, I didn’t seem to know Tom. I lived in an apartment building by myself. I don’t know how many floors there were but I was at least four or five floors up. The guy that owned the building offered me two apartments that were next to each other for $900 a month even though I seemed to mostly live in just one of them. I was very grateful because I knew that this meant I would only have to worry about noise coming from whoever was across the hall and below me.

I thought of having my parents send the rent checks after I gave them the money each month but then realized that was silly because all I had to do was open a checking account.

There was some kind of restaurant down in the lobby where I ended up talking to a younger woman whom I hadn’t been very close to in the past. Yet we were getting along better and I asked her where the closest bank was, reminding her that I didn’t drive.

She said there was one not too far and that she wouldn’t mind walking me over to it. I thanked her and asked if she would be willing to wait while I ran back upstairs with something I was holding in my hand and she said she would.

So I ran upstairs and reached down to slip a key into a lock that was at the side of a thick mat. But then I realized that was silly since that wouldn’t let me into the apartment. I then unlocked the door of the apartment I occupied the least, suddenly finding them connected. I walked through its living room and into the kitchen of the apartment I had most of my stuff in and was pissed at myself when I found I left my refrigerator door open. I shut it and then went into the bathroom to pee. Then I decided I would hold it in and wait till I got back since it took longer to pee as an older person, and I didn’t want to make the woman wait too long for me.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 2021 I can tell the rain has stopped just by the planes I’m hearing along with the freeway. I guess it’s going to be partly cloudy for the next couple of days and then we’ll get a couple more days of rain before the typical sunny, dry weather returns.

My heart wasn’t racing but I felt a little off emotionally yesterday, so I skipped my meds today. Still not a hundred percent sure there’s a connection but I’d say it’s pretty damn likely. Only after I began the medication did things change, and the side effects I’ve had are listed as side effects on valid medical sites proving even more that the doctors that deny the side effects are full of shit for whatever reason. I’m guessing to make their lives easier? It’s always less work to sweep something under the carpet rather than to deal with it. He believes it will go away someday but I think I’ll struggle with it on and off for the rest of my life and that the pre-Hashimoto’s me is never coming back. The one that only felt bad, sad, stressed, or whatever due to something that was going on. Plus, our hormones and body chemistry do change with age and I still have thyroid issues so it’s not totally on the meds.

My doctor is still out, and I hope she hasn’t caught the virus! But someone covering her messages finally got back to me and said she saw no reason to repeat labs before the doctor sees me in April so that’s good. :-) Things rarely go our way but I’m still hoping that when I do see her, if she does order labs, I’ll be able to tell her, “Sorry, but we got an offer on our house and have one foot out the door. I’ll take care of it in the next state!”

I had a dream that we had a two-story house but it was still in this park. Or at least some park. The windows were open and as I was heading upstairs, I heard what sounded like arguing. So I stepped into one of the bedrooms and looked out the window to see a small group of people had gathered by a stage that was being set up for a concert that was to perform that evening. I was pissed because I knew it would be annoying but hopeful that I wouldn’t hear as much of it if I remained on the other side of the house.

Then I went to call my mother for the first time in a long time but forgot her number. In the dream, she was living in Port St Lucie and I called Information and they put me through to her. However, I got a busy signal. So then I called back and she answered. I said “hello” and was greeted with silence though I knew she was still there.

“It’s me,” I told her. But she still said nothing.

Leave it to murderer OJ Simpson to get vaccinated before we do.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28, 2021 Signing in with some peppermint tea on what’s going on our third day of rain. Just finished a yoga session after doing a quick run on the treadmill. Oh, that damn middle-aged belly fat! Really hinders my flexibility when it comes to bending forward but there isn’t much most of us can do about that since it isn’t just about thyroids and age but genetics as well. Plus, some of us hate diets. LOL, that’s exactly why I ordered a bag of assorted chocolates with tomorrow’s groceries. Either way, my lower gut seems to be more bloated than usual but I don’t have any pain or discomfort in any way so I’m not worried about it.

Tom, on the other hand, has been suffering excruciating sciatic pain and today he got a pillow just for that. In his research, he learned that as we age, especially if you’re a guy, your ass flattens and therefore you’re sitting on the nerves more so than when you have cushion around that area.

We definitely seem to gain and lose various areas as we age. I can’t say that I have a bubble butt but I still have a nicely rounded ass that most people might consider one of my better physical traits along with my boobs. A woman’s hips and thighs definitely do seem to slim down with age but then you get that spare tire. These days I’m all tits and tummy.

My diamond painting accessory kit came today so I’m looking forward to playing around with that later on as well as doing some coloring with my new pencils.

The more I see just how many months so many homes remain on the market, the more concerned I get that we’re not getting out of here anytime soon. It always seems that the more I want out of a particular place, the longer I’m stuck there. I’ve had a bad feeling that something up there doesn’t want me leaving a place that’s noisy most of the time, so we’ll find out soon enough if my feelings are valid or if I’m just being ridiculously paranoid. But with so many manufactured homes on the market for around half a year, how the hell can we expect to put this place on the market in March and be gone by May or June?

Well, I’m not going to try to move or fight to get out of here for so many years. It’s either meant to be or it’s not and if it’s not I would rather just gut this place and make it our forever home if this is where I’m meant to be. Sure hope it doesn’t come down to that, though! Either way, this is fucking ridiculous. This only happens to me. Who the hell else is stuck in a place for 7.5 years? So yeah, sometimes I wonder if something up there is telling me something as much as I don’t want to hear it. That this is my place and where I was meant to be. The whole thing reminds me of that song Hotel California. I checked out years ago but it seems I can never leave.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2021 I’ve been tired ever since I got up in the early afternoon. I guess I’m just stressing too much over my appointments that I’m not sleeping well. Time to try to take Tom’s advice and quit worrying about my schedule for a while and just sleep when I need to without forcing myself to get up too soon.

Feeling a little down tonight as well though I’m not sure why. Probably just medication stress. I start the other brand of statins tonight. Not expecting any trouble from that. It’s whether or not I can get my usual brand of thyroid medication and what may happen if I can’t that has me concerned. I would try the name brand before I tried anything else but that may cost a fortune.

You know, I’m just tired of being a fluke. Just a freaky little fluke of nature. If it’s rare, it’s me. How many people have atresia? How many people have CRD? How many people have both? So of course I have to be one of the few that is sensitive to a medication I need and that most people can take without problems. Of course.

Can’t help but feel like there’s something up there that doesn’t want me to fully treat my disease. It just really seems like I’m not meant to have a normal metabolism as much as I try to tell myself things just happened to be this way without design. If that’s true, then how come that’s not what I’m sensing? I mean I just don’t feel that way. No, something up there gave me a disease in which it knew I would be sensitive to the medication so I would suffer. Something up there also seems hell-bent on me not having normal TSH numbers. There’s simply too much of a pattern. The more the same things happen over and over again, that can’t possibly be a coincidence, can it?

But if my gut feeling is right, then why? Why would anything want me to suffer so much and why can’t I have an optimal metabolism? It should know I don’t give as much of a shit as I perhaps should about my weight, and besides, a normal thyroid doesn’t always mean you can lose weight. I’ve found numerous complaints about people being surprised and disappointed to get their thyroid on track just to still not be able to lose weight. Age and genetics are also a factor and being American doesn’t help either. Your average American is overweight even if most no doubt consider me a petite little thing.

I also had a clear discharge of some kind yesterday. This has happened a few times. It was like mid-cycle runs, as I would call it, all over again. I don’t think it was pee because I didn’t feel anything leaving my body. I didn’t feel anything leaving my pussy either but what else could it be? I just hope it wasn’t a sign of anything bad. I haven’t had any cramps or any other symptoms and have been blissfully unaware of my lady parts so that’s good. At the end of next month, it will be a year since the last period I had after not getting one for 15 months. Really hope I’m done!

I also hope my doc hasn’t gotten the virus and that she’s just on vacation even though it seems like a bit of an odd time to be on vacation. Don’t doctors usually have most of December off and part of early January?

A nurse called Tom about his results and mentioned that my doc wasn’t around. I hope she hasn’t left and that they just haven’t had time to formally notify her patients. I would really hate to have to start over with a new doctor right before we move! But it explains why I never got a reply to my message, not that it’s urgent.

We’ve had more wind and rain over the last couple of days than we’ve had in quite a while. Last night I could practically feel the house shudder as the winds reached slightly above 30 miles per hour. Fortunately, none of the roof shingles lifted enough to let the rain in. We definitely don’t need any more water spots to have to paint over. But so far, no leaks. :-)

We seem to have big storms here every few years. I remember the first one was a handful of months after we came down here and were still in motels, then there was one a few years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if our best bet would be to take a cheap, dumpy little place if we don’t get a good offer on this place rather than stay back another year to fix and flip it. I guess it will depend on how bad of an offer we may get.

It’s hard not to want to get the fuck out of here because I feel like I’ve been the worst both physically and emotionally in this place than any other place I’ve ever lived. I’d love to think there’s just some kind of bad energy associated with this house that I’ll escape when we move but things have a way of following me and returning to haunt me. At least it will be warmer.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2021 “What kind of friend finds having to deal with over a foot of snow funny? My significant other has a bad back and my own health is far from great. Took us over two hours, with a few breaks to rest, to completely dig out.”

Oh, life’s little sensitives. eye-roll That’s Little Miss Sensitive’s last tweet on her other account in regard to how I said that if it weren’t for Cam having to drive through the snow I’d be laughing.

OMG, will you fucking lighten up and learn to take a joke for fuck’s sake?! And would it really have been so hard to say something like hey, that isn’t funny, and remember, Cam has a bad back and I haven’t been feeling well?

When she mentioned him being out there with a snowblower, I didn’t think of his back. I can see where shoveling would not be good for someone with a bad back but didn’t make the connection with a snowblower. I didn’t think he did any shoveling but I knew she did.

I’ll just have to remember not to tease her about things because she’s just too damn sensitive. That’s one of the few things that still gets to me about her but I understand that no one’s perfect. I also don’t give a shit if she sees this either and I know she’s just as curious as I can be when it comes to accounts we don’t tell each other about. I’m not stupid. Right now, though, I’m not in the frame of mind to care much. I’m both pissed and worried right now.

She tweeted a couple of hours before she responded to my last message which tells me that she’s doing exactly what she says she hates done to her, not that I mind her not replying as soon as she reads my messages. It just goes to show she’s a bit hypocritical. But hey, if she’s going to bitch about me in public, although not directly, I can do the same. We don’t use each other’s names. I don’t know if she reads me on PB to compare what I sent her versus what I share with others, but right now I just don’t give a shit. If she reads this and doesn’t like what she sees, that’s on her.

Sometimes I question some of my friendships, not that I still don’t value and appreciate her. Again, no one’s perfect and she has a hell of a lot more good than flaws.

Sensitive or not, I’m sorry they’ve had to deal with so much hassle from the snow. I do remember what it’s like!

Also, she said she would never get so angry about what she got angry about in the dream I had, which I figured, but admits she has more angry thoughts than I think. She just doesn’t share them because it doesn’t do her any good.

Yeah, and how many of them are about me? Again, I wonder about her at times and I wouldn’t be surprised if I eventually get dumped again. She’s already dumped me once. If she does, I will definitely not fight for her and she will never hear from me again even if she ends up regretting her decision. As I decided a few years ago, no more do-overs!

So what’s got me very worried right now - and I knew this day would come - is that Walmart and Rite Aid can no longer order medications by brand. They have to simply sell whatever their company chooses to buy and that’s usually what’s cheapest at the moment and right now it isn’t Sandoz. He was able to get Sandoz this time around, but next time we’re going to have to hope we can find someplace else to get it. I also got a cheaper brand of Simvastatin that I hope won’t cause any problems but anxiety isn’t usually connected to that in the way it is with Levothyroxine.

I was surprised to find that not only is Sandoz a generic brand, but they’re not as consistent as the name brands. I thought only Armour wasn’t consistent since it’s pig thyroid. I wonder if that could be part of why I sometimes still have anxious days. I’m sure there are other brands out there I can tolerate and maybe even tolerate better. I just don’t know what they are and I sure as hell don’t want to go experimenting either.

He feels confident that we can find Sandoz somewhere because it’s not like they’ve gone out of business but I still worry about being stuck with other brands that cause the same kind of anxiety Lannett and Mylan caused. I don’t want to be forced, especially now that I’m doing so much better, to have to cut back my dosage which is already a bit too low just so I don’t have off-the-charts anxiety.

I want to get vaccinated already! I’m totally ready for life to get back to normal. The longer we’re not vaccinated, the longer things get held up. I really want a haircut and I definitely need new glasses. I can barely see shit.

Since my new Twistables don’t come with the names of the colors printed on them, I took a fine-point permanent marker and wrote them on myself.

Also ordered an accessory kit for diamond painting. It has more glue, trays, compartments to store diamonds in, stickers to number the compartments with, regular drills, and even a few wide drills for picking up multiple ones of the same color at once. It also has curved tweezers, a roller to enforce the diamonds, and a few other things.

We’ve got a huge storm coming through tonight with winds over 30 MPH, something we rarely see here.

MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 2021 Surprised my message to my doc is still “unopened.” Oh well. It isn’t urgent.

They were a half-hour late with turning the water back on. I got some of the air out of the bathroom pipes but why bother since they’re only going to turn us off again next week at the rate they’ve been going?

Water Palms dropped by 3 saves. There’s got to be something wrong with that park if it isn’t about the virus and the nuclear power plant. There’s another water house in that park I like a lot that’s newer but more expensive.

Tom has been suffering from sciatica but he did more research today and found that what he was doing was wrong. He shouldn’t have been stretching and working his core and things like that. So he took their advice and he’s already much better. That’s good because I was getting worried about him with the way he was hobbling around hunched over like an old man.

California has its own health insurance program and we’re probably going to have to pay a little penalty since it turns out that we made 62k last year and not the 55k he originally estimated we would make. This also means more taxes as well. We made an unbelievable amount of money last year! I would be willing to bet we’ll never make that much again.

It’s amazing how one can have so many dreams about someone they’ve never actually met and it’s even funnier when they do things you can’t imagine them actually doing in real life. I was visiting Aly when she took us out to a restaurant. The restaurant was so crowded that they set up card tables in the middle of the aisles. When a waitress led us to one of these tables, Aly got pissed. She demanded that we be seated in a booth but the waitress insisted that we’d have to wait quite a while for one.

So she stormed out of the restaurant and I tried to keep up with her but she was already in her car by the time I exited the restaurant, slamming her fists against the steering wheel in a fit of rage. Then she mimed pistol shots out her side window.

I was relieved to see the parking lot was empty and no one could see her “shooting” at anyone but was very surprised by how emotional, immature and dramatic she was behaving. I thought about telling her this too, but figured that would only piss her off more so I settled with assuring her that there were other restaurants we could try.

LOL

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 2021 Read a bit more about the pig-plowing incident and I guess that yeah, the hit was justified. The bacon feared for its safety and I can believe that much with how much they’re hated these days.

I just wish all these fucking protests would stop already! They’re not doing any good. They just cause trouble and get people hurt and even killed. Roads are for driving, not for protesting. Like it or not, the world doesn’t revolve around any of us. There’s no reason or excuse to hold up the rest of the world or engage in destructive and even deadly conduct just because you have something to say.

Anyway, I awoke on this rainy day extremely tired but wishing it could always be this quiet. Why does it have to rain or be hot as hell to get any peace here? The commercial planes are getting annoying at night again.

Been resting a lot but that gets boring, so here I am struggling through this entry. But hey, it’s Sunday, and everyone needs a day of rest and to take it easy. We did discuss more plans for prepping the place. The next step is going to be touching up the walls.

I also did a little drilling and am looking forward to the new set of Twistables colored pencils we ordered along with a taller step stool. The two-step one we’ve had for many years has paint splatters and other shit all over it and is getting dumped.

The colored pencil set will have twice as many colors. I absolutely love Twistables. I don’t ever want to go back to the old-fashioned pencils that you have to sharpen. I’ll donate my old set to Goodwill along with all the other stuff we’re not taking that we can’t sell. The rest will go out in the next bulk pickup.

The only thing we’re probably going to sell is the Bowflex unless he decides he wants to take it. I told him that one’s up to him but we’re definitely getting me a new treadmill when we get moved.

“Water Palms” is holding steady at 53 saves. The only thing that’s kind of odd about it is that it looks like you have to go outside to enter the lanai. I thought that most lanais could be entered from the house but if there’s a door leading to it, I can’t tell because there are no pictures of the area of the house where a door would have to be to get to it. There are some things about the house I don’t care for but would still love to have it even though I’m not sure going to another park would be a wise idea. Until we learn about the lease, we won’t know anything for sure. It’s too soon to reach out to any realtors for info because they’re pushy and pesky. Let them save that eagerness for when we’re ready for them.

I’m slowly easing my way into yoga, studying the various poses one by one. I saw an ad for yoga apparel for heavy people and one of the ladies in the picture is definite proof that the flexibility I’ve lost over the years is likely more related to my age than weight. I may not be skinny but I’m barely that big and I think that only bending forward may be connected to my weight because I do have a bit of a tummy. I can’t touch my chin to my knees anymore. But the woman in the picture was huge. I’ll just keep plugging away with it and hopefully, that will not only help keep my muscles toned but increase my range of motion. Only time will tell!

I’ve noticed over the last few days that my metabolism seems to have increased a bit. I suppose part of it is the poison ramping up in my system and that I’m likely to get stabbed by the shit soon enough with those dreaded waves of adrenaline and those horrible “mindfuckers.”

But yeah, I’m not holding weight as easily and my hair is thicker as if I need any more hair on my head. My weight falls back quicker after eating, too. When it’s slower, I eat, gain a pound or two or whatever it is I’m gonna gain from whatever I ate, then the weight hangs on for hours before slowly dropping back down until I eat again. Yet now it starts falling pretty quickly after jumping up after a meal, and that’s a metabolism thing. I don’t think I would have remained 100 pounds all my life had my thyroid not crashed, but I doubt I ever would have gone over 120-130. So maybe I could lose with normal numbers but I still don’t see myself ever being able to tolerate the dose it would take to get them there. Anxiety isn’t worth any amount of weight loss.

I decided that rather than trying to find what helps, I would weed out what hurts instead. Meaning that I’m sure the way I’ve been eating the last few days may have a role in it as well. The wine I have doesn’t seem to affect my weight either way, but I decided once again to get a small candy bar rather than a large one with tomorrow’s Walmart delivery for a couple of reasons. I’m pre-diabetic so I shouldn’t be having much sugar anyway, and also, I know that sugar is a definite culprit. There are no magic foods for weight loss but there are definitely some enemies out there like sugar, pasta, breads and processed foods. The last few days I’ve had very little in the way of processed stuff. But tomorrow I’ll be getting a few processed items so what I want to see is if it drives my weight back up or not. It would if I got too carried away with it, that’s for sure, and that is why I learned to cook more.

Going to be taking it easy for the rest of my day but will try to muster up enough energy to study a few more poses.

Tom just said that wasn’t a protest in Tacoma but attention-getters with loud vehicles running donut holes and holding up traffic, not that this is any better.

Our typical winter lows range from 37-43 degrees and we usually only hit freezing a few times a year. However, we’re going to have a hard freeze of just 28 degrees tomorrow night. Ugh, not looking forward to it at all!

Missed writing on OD, so even though there’s a chance Aly may somehow know about it, I’m going to share some stuff there. Actually, even more stuff because I’m not allowing comments and therefore, I don’t have to deal with those that want to argue, challenge and change my views on anything. I have no blocking power as a free member there.

Seeing the US population grow by the thousands each day is both disheartening and alarming. Also, crying babies are just as annoying in the movies as they are in real life.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 2021 Just saw a horrifying video of the Tacoma pigs plowing through tons of protesters. God knows how many are going to be dead or maimed for life. Okay, so I’ve always said that if you’re dumb enough to stand in the middle of the road, you gotta expect that you might get hit. I believe that in a genuine emergency, the pigs should do what they have to do when it comes to those holding up traffic. I’ve even become more and more anti-protests to begin with because they just don’t change anything and trouble often comes of them. If you want to vent and be heard, do it online where it’s safer!

However, what I saw just seemed all wrong. Just totally wrong. I’ll admit I don’t know the circumstances surrounding the event but I just can’t believe anything was that urgent that the pig had a plow through that many people unless they were being destructive or doing anything dangerous. They at least didn’t seem to be beating the shit out of each other or attacking anyone or people’s businesses.

Regardless of the circumstances, it was a horrifying thing to see and I’ve never hated the pigs more than I do now. Just when I think I can’t hate them anymore than I already do, my hatred towards them only deepens. I swear to God we’re totally on our own if we ever have a problem with anyone else in the future. I would prefer not to have any problems, of course, but if God forbid there were, there will be no pigs. Just us and them. You really do have to fight your own battles at times and take care of things yourself. Seriously, someone could kick the door down and hold me at gunpoint yet the pigs would be the last ones I would want to call! They make me sick as fuck!

But you know how it is, even if it turns out that what happened wasn’t justified in any way, and somehow I doubt it was, the pig(s) will get a paid vacation and at worst, fired. Meanwhile, any funerals or medical expenses will be solely on the victims. It’s fucking sick the world we live in. It really is. If that’s me being conceited and sounding like I’m better than most people, so be it. And hell, maybe I am in some ways. You would think that if this would have any good at all come of it, it would scare the protesters off the street. Even those that are harmless, holding up traffic and risking spreading the virus is ridiculous just because you have something to say. Instead of making nuisances of yourselves, there are other places to get your voices heard even if it still won’t change a damn thing but to make you feel better for speaking up.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 2021 Squealing with delight as I sign in with great news. My doctor’s assistant messaged me to say, “Here are your lab results below. Your last LDL was 204 and has dropped to 114 on simvastatin - this is fantastic! Continue with this medication. Your liver functions are fine and seem to be tolerating the medication well.”

twirls with delight YES! So proud of myself for getting brave enough to go back on statins, even if it took me half a decade after my thyroid medication traumatized the shit out of me.

I messaged Doc A asking her if I was supposed to go to the lab before our next appointment (mentioned the spot on my leg while I was at it). I’m guessing I am, but don’t know if it’s a fasting trip or not.

Anyway, I figured I should do this entry before I get any more tired. Even though I slept well, I woke up with a sore throat that’s been bugging me on and off and the kind of fatigue you feel when you have a cold. My throat seems to be getting better, though I’m still tired. We went out to Rite Aid and I got some orange juice which I crave when I’m not feeling well, and damn near drank the whole bottle.

I also got some soda, wine, and a small Twix bar since backing off of these things wasn’t doing me any good.

Kind of glad that our schedules aren’t as aligned at the moment because when we’re both on days for too long, I start to feel smothered even though he’s always told me to feel free to go into a room and close the door and he won’t bug me, but it’s just not the same as when he’s out or sleeping. Everybody needs some alone time and as much as I love him and we get along great, it gets old when he’s always, always there.

Even though we’re homebodies, it’s nice to get out every now and then even if it’s only for those mundane errands a part of me misses.

It’s also going to be nice to eventually live in a place where they don’t turn the fucking water off. Again it’s going off on Monday but not for as long. What, are they going to pull this shit every week on us until we’re gone?

I swear the only thing I’m going to miss besides some of the neighbors is taking walks around the park, even if it’s not always peaceful. When I went out walking yesterday, I was surprised to find I only got two Zone minutes from it. Guess I’m getting into pretty good shape!

My yoga mat arrived today and it’s awesome! It’s much longer than I thought it would be and I love all the illustrations. Right now I’m watching videos to make sure I’m doing the moves properly and picking out the ones I can actually do or at least mostly do. I’m too fat for some poses that would have been easy 30 years ago like shoulder stands and things like that. I can’t even do a child’s pose completely because of all that damn middle-aged belly fat.

I just don’t get it. We have pills to block the substance that makes cholesterol. We have pills for headaches. We have pills for cramps. We have pills for thyroids. We have pills for damn near everything except for shrinking fat cells. Go figure. If they don’t come up with anything for those of us that can’t lose weight without damn near starving ourselves, then this is the way I’m always going to be and I’m always going to have to improvise certain activities because my range of motion is limited by the extra weight.

He’s been checking out the local job listings and found one that he may actually like as an IT assistant for when businesses have computer issues and things like that. It pays $20 an hour as well. However, it’s just not safe for him to work without being vaccinated. Also, he doesn’t want a permanent job. He just wants to work part-time here and there maybe for the rest of his life.

When he is fully retired, we may ditch the car. Since we don’t go out much, it shouldn’t cost as much for an Uber when we do as what we pay for insurance and all that stuff. He just charged the car for the first time this year and it will last a while.

He really likes the high-powered steamer he got. It’s doing a good job with the sticky residue on the walls and even helped clean the showerhead as well.

It only took me a little over a day to do my first diamond painting. I’m totally addicted to the things now! Today I didn’t work on the second one I got which is much bigger because I didn’t feel well but I’ll get back on with it tomorrow.

I got a variety pack of K-cups that contains different coffees, hot chocolates, and teas. Earl Grey’s Breakfast Blend tea tastes kind of weird.

For just a few bucks I ordered another one of those clear compartment cases for extra rhinestones that are left over from my diamond paintings. Then we came up with some cool ideas for the extras. One is to stick them at random to the back of left over wallpaper that we have when we were doing the hall closet and then framing it. Also, the previous owners left a small picture of cherries to which I could get some Elmer’s Glue to stick the stones.

They lowered the price of the house I like by about 7K. In a perfect world, it would still be available when we’re ready to move, then we would learn that the lease doesn’t expire anytime soon, and that would be our home until and if we decided to move again to something bigger and better.

To be honest, I’m surprised it hasn’t sold yet. Makes me wonder if something’s wrong with the park. Or maybe it has to do with the virus or the nuclear power plant nearby. I just don’t know. We’re not going to know much for a couple of months. Life is one big waiting game.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 2021 Early in the morning, the place stunk of skunks. Again, I will absolutely scream if we’re stuck here until next year!

We decided we may get a place wherever as planned and then have him return to work so we would then qualify for up to a $250,000 home instead of $90,000 because that would open up a ton of opportunities for us. He would work until it was paid down to where the payments were $500 a month or less so he could then fully retire comfortably.

I really like this idea too! We’re not going to be so old and feeble anytime soon and it would give us something to look forward to. A goal to aim for that would keep us focused and active. Besides, I wouldn’t mind spending my final years in one of these quarter-million-dollar beauties. Some places are so incredibly nice that some noise would be worth it. I just wish I could work too even if it had to be at home!

We went to the lab this morning and we got to swap shoes even though we both guzzled plenty of water beforehand. Where my veins are usually finicky, she was able to get enough blood on the first try. Maybe that’s because she was always doing one vial, I joked with her. Just lipid and liver tests this time around.

With Tom, she got the vein right away only it refused to squeeze out the blood at a normal speed and instead slowly dripped out. I’ve had that happen to me as well. So I had to wait in the waiting room until he was done.

It was so cold this morning too, in the mid-thirties. I went out walking when it got close to 50° yet my hands were still cold even in my gloves. Like most people with low thyroid, the things that never seem to go away even with treatment are cold hands and feet along with the extra weight.

My second diamond painting is to arrive today. I’m totally addicted to these things now!

Going to edit and publish this and then restock my KU books.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2021 On my 24-minute walk, I heard two commercial planes, two small planes, and one helicopter. That was an addition to a circular saw where someone was getting new windows. Surprised I didn’t hear any landscaping in the mix. I will absolutely scream if we end up stuck here another year, and even though it’s unlikely, it is still possible that we won’t get a decent enough offer for the house and have to have him go back to work full-time and flip it ourselves.

He called and ordered a larger trash bin that’s going to be delivered on Friday, and we’ll both have blood drawn at the lab tomorrow morning.

We both agree that if we had to choose between one of the water houses in Florida versus this older home we like in a rural area in Hull, Texas, we would go for the water house. I just can’t believe Water Palms, which I would name our network, is still for sale! We’ve got to find out when that lease expires. The fact that he saw one of the houses there in foreclosure is a good sign. If I suddenly knew it was ours, I’d be as emotional as a 20-year-old! However, I’m guessing it won’t be and I don’t even know that we could get anything similar to it either.

Decided I didn’t want to wait for the yoga mat with the illustrations so it will be here Friday. I also went to a site that has quick video clips on how to properly perform each move. They even have more moves than what’s on the mat, although I’m still not going to be able to do all of them.

I also saw a video on three exercises that are supposed to be good for cellulite in the backs of the thighs and ass since it activates the most muscles. It definitely doesn’t have to do with fat, though, just as they said since I’ve had them most of my life yet was thin for the most part until my 40s.

I received my diamond painting before bed yesterday and started working on it today. I have about a quarter of it done, and it’s super easy and loads of fun! I might get some for myself.

I was practically squealing with delight when I saw the plane lift Trump up and away from the White House.

Good. Fucking. Riddance.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19, 2021 Waiting on a diamond painting kit to be delivered. When I read in someone else’s journal that they were working on one, I thought that would be a great idea for Aly’s birthday. I’ve been trying to come up with different ideas. I already made her some jewelry, and I don’t want to have food items delivered in case she’s allergic to any of the ingredients, so this may work. I’ve been wanting to try one of these anyway. She likes owls so I got a 6x6 owl painting that the PBer would probably take me 2 hours to do. Plenty of time to get it done since her birthday is in April. It also comes with a frame. If I enjoy doing it, I may get one for myself.

Tom tried various cleaners to remove the sticky residue that some of the stickers left on the wall. Goo Gone can get rid of it easily but I can’t stand the smell of oranges so he ordered a steamer that should be good to have anyway.

When it comes to touching up the paint on the living room walls, he may have to do the whole thing since the paint might not match. I burn incense regularly and that would cause some discoloration along with the fact that it’s been about 5 years.

Still so torn between a park versus a rural setting! They both have so many pros and cons. We’re still not even sure what state we’re going to end up in just yet. As long as we keep our monthly payments under $500 a month, we should be comfortable, though we would certainly be more comfortable if we didn’t have an HOA. Parks are a lot more convenient but definitely noisier. We would have more freedom and peace on land but we’re still a couple of months away from knowing anything either way.

I saw that Walmart had a pink yoga mat with yoga pose illustrations on it. They had 10 poses for $10. That would certainly make it easier and more tempting to get into yoga but then I found one for $30 with 70 poses on Amazon, though I’m not going to get that or a diamond painting for myself until we move. I would get the purple one because the illustrations stand out better that way. I’m a little too fat for some of the poses, though, LOL.

Oh, to care about my weight like I did in my youth! Maybe then I would be motivated to push myself harder if that’s even possible with Hashimoto’s and my age, but the fact still stands that I like myself as I am. Yes, I would be healthier if I was thinner but I’m not that big and it isn’t so much that I’m totally in love with myself as I am so much as that I just don’t care. I guess that’s the difference between being a single 20-something and a married 50-something. It would take a lot more weight than this to get me all that motivated and concerned. I think I’ll just stick with eating smart and being active most days and allowing myself to be human by indulging once or twice a week. That will be in the form of Hershey’s Caramel Kisses next grocery delivery. :-) Otherwise, I try not to focus on food until I’m actually ready to eat.

The water is off right now. Yeah, what else is new?

Andy showed up in my dreams again. Hey, it’s better than the termites! I was going to say hello to him in a tweet as I was slowly walking down the street and then realized I was in front of his place. He stepped outside and I said hello. We started talking and then some woman stopped by. I told him I would contact him later and that it would be nice to catch up since it had been a year.

I used the bathroom on the way out as I was heading for the door, I looked out a window and realized he was also in a flight path, although the planes looked like little rockets.

MONDAY, JANUARY 18, 2021 A town in Tennessee has been showing up on my visitor report lately and I wonder if it’s Sandra who lives in Sevierville. I blocked her because I was tired of her political rants. Maybe she created another account when she noticed I wasn’t around to see if she could find out why I blocked her. Sometimes I find it easier to block rather than to just ghost.

Income tax. That’s the payment we hope to avoid by getting out of here by late June.

As far as how to know where to store our stuff, we would store it here in Citrus Heights until we knew exactly where to have it shipped to in Florida. We’re probably going to go with U-Haul because they incorporate moving pods with storage and all that. We’re considering one that’s something like 4 feet wide, 8 feet deep, and 8 feet tall.

We still won’t know if we’re flying or driving until we know what we’re getting for the house and how long things are going to take to close. I just know that one of the things alone that I hate here is enough to be excited about moving. Just take all the fucking planes and helicopters I have to listen to in the middle of the night as well as the daytime. And of course, we’re going to be without water for most of Tuesday. I wonder how many more times we’re going to have to play this fucking game with the water outages before we get out of here.

We still don’t know if we’re going to end up in a park or on land somewhere. What community did I ever like, though? I hated Phoenix and I hate it here. Klamath Falls wasn’t as bad, but I still didn’t like it that much. It was a quaint little town that had its positive points but still too many people too close which means it wasn’t exactly peaceful. It seems the worst thing in Arizona was dogs barking, up in Oregon it was boom car stereos, and in Cali, it’s kind of a mix of everything, but being in an adult community, we don’t have much barking, car stereos, and you almost never hear kids.

I’m excited that Biden will be taking over soon! The only thing that worries me is the Caravan of Guatemalans. I know that as soon as he’s in power, they’ll be welcomed with open arms to burden our system even more. Sick of how America is the go-to country for when the shit hits the fan in other countries. It’s not right or fair for us to be expected to pick up the pieces when things go wrong elsewhere. My heart truly goes out to those who are innocent victims of violence and other catastrophes in their countries, but I just wish they would create some kind of designated area for refugees to go to. Like maybe some island somewhere.

I had a dream I met Kamala Harris somewhere. I was very depressed for some reason and I was squeezing my eyes shut to prevent myself from crying when I heard her voice grow closer as she was addressing a room full of people before I felt something being slipped over my head. When I opened my eyes, I found that she had slipped a beautiful purple beaded necklace around my neck. I thanked her and hugged her, surprised to see that she was pregnant.

Then there was the termite dream which woke me up. It took me a while before I could fall back asleep. We were still on good terms when we moved to Florida, starting off in a hotel until we could find a place. They agreed to care for a mother rat and her two babies we brought with us but didn’t want to keep them in the hotel for some strange reason. I went to Tammy’s house one day to find Sarah there. We got into a huge argument and I left. It then hit me that they may harm the rats because they were pissed at me.

So I decided I go back later on when I knew Tammy would be there. I hoped Mark wouldn’t be there because I didn’t want to get into it with him since we had always gotten along in the past and thought it would be nice to keep it that way.

I walked up to the slider and knocked. Tammy approached with her cell phone in hand but didn’t open it. Instead, she told me they “dumped my vermin” and that if I didn’t get the fuck away and stay away, she would call the police.

Furious that she killed my pets like I feared she might, in a split-second, I grabbed a chair in her lanai and smashed it through the slider, knocking the phone out of her hand. She was home alone, and I beat her unconscious. After confirming that the rats really weren’t there, I wasn’t sure whether or not I should kill her so she couldn’t point a finger at me or hope she would wake up. I decided it would be better if she woke up since I knew that if I got caught, I would get a hell of a lot less time for assault than I would for murder. I was still glad I avenged the death of my innocent rats.

Then I ran out to the car which Tom was waiting in and told him we had to hurry up and get back to the hotel and move to another one quickly and began filling him in as the dream ended.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17, 2021 The water is going off again all day tomorrow. OMG, to escape these water outages and all this traffic and flying shit! I can’t wait to at least take back the nights! I’m sorry, but after midnight it should be dead quiet. Not full of small planes, helicopters, and roaring freeways.

I have my doubts about beating the jury duty extension deadline, but Tom hopes we’re out of here by the end of June because there’s some kind of thing you have to pay in Cali at that time that will be due. I forgot what he said it was. Maybe some kind of property tax.

Tom is really good with numbers and money and is very smart in general unless he’s trying to learn languages, LOL. He explained to me about finance, paying off credit card debt with the money from the sale of the house to decrease interest in the future, and the various pros and cons of land versus a park and why we may prefer to fly in certain situations versus driving in other situations. I can’t swear on anything yet and neither can he, but our discussion yesterday made me lean more towards getting a place on half an acre to an acre or so, in which case we could afford something a little nicer.

Having to use a regular realtor means not accepting less than 65K rather than 60K and pretty much increases our chances of driving. The cost comes out the same between driving and flying but if we have to wait a week for things to close anyway…

Also, since we don’t want to buy a place sight unseen, we would need a place to store our shit until we could get into a place. But we don’t know exactly where to go in Florida, we don’t know where to store our shit and therefore it may be better to drive across. We’re still going to get realtors in Florida to help us.

I wrote out a list of the pros and cons of land versus a park. There’s no saying that all the cons would come to be but that’s the frustrating part. We can’t magically know upfront where to go and exactly what it would be like living there. And sometimes you don’t know about the things you do know. When we had our little orientation meeting with Joy, she made it sound like the water went off a few times a year, not a dozen-plus times a year.

And look what happened with the commercial planes. We moved in here in 2013 and they weren’t an issue until 2018. The small planes and helicopters, yes. They were always a problem. I just never thought to look for airport locations because they’ve never been a problem before.

Anyway, the land would definitely leave us more money left over each month but not a whole lot since we’ll never again have money as we do now. He was thinking of maybe doing DoorDash deliveries or something like that a few times a week to make extra money. Even if he only made $10 five days a week, that’s still $200 extra a month. Of course I wish to hell I could drive and didn’t have CRD so I could do it too and double that. Big things can be paid for with credit like if I needed another root canal or we wanted to go on a $500 helicopter ride or something like that.

Money won’t be so important except in the event of an emergency once we get the place, wherever it may be, set up the way we want it. I was still glad to hear that Biden wants to ensure that those on Social Security always get enough of an increase so they never fall below the national poverty level.

The increased Aly-meeting dreams make me wonder if we will be meeting soon since I’ve had a lot more dreams of meeting her than I have of flying. The only thing is that in the dream I had last night, she was visiting us and not the other way around. We were going to take a selfie of ourselves together and laughed about sending a copy to Kim (though we wouldn’t share any pics we took). I don’t care if we take pictures of each other or of us together or not, but it would definitely be nice to meet somewhere someday! Pretty sure there was more to the dream, but I don’t remember what.

The thought of moving is exciting but also a bit scary and overwhelming. Anything could go wrong. Driving across would be incredibly hard on both of us. And even if we did fly, we’re still going to be stuck in hotels for a while and that’s hard as well.

Land pros: Space around us Fewer rules Quieter Cheaper Gains more value in time Our own pool

Land cons: Not as safe Not as pretty Slightly colder Increased potential for bad neighbors, loose dogs/barking, boom stereos, motorcycles, welfare bums

Park pros: Safer Prettier Warmer Activities Increased chance of better neighbors, less barking, boom stereos, etc.

Park cons: More rules and restrictions More noise Less value More expensive

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16, 2021 No wonder Japanese people are so skinny! The Japanese snack mix arrived yesterday and it’s incredible how small the portions are compared to snacks in the US. Definitely not worth the money but makes for a fun experiment. There are only three out of the 37 pieces I don’t like. I don’t see how any human being on earth could possibly put a wasabi nut in their mouth and not feel like they tossed a lit match into it! They look like green peas and when I suspected they were actually wasabi nuts, I licked at one with my tongue to be sure and could feel a burn just doing that. Some of the snacks are weird-tasting but still good.

After this, I want to try to drop the wine, flavored sparkling water, pasta, and sugar for as long as I can stand to. The wine and the pasta will be easy.

Still not sure whether or not I want to focus on just getting the recommended number of zone minutes each week or focus more on the length of time. Zone minutes are easy. I can get half of them accidentally with my high HR. I can get more than I need with just a 15-minute workout. The question is whether or not I should up the time to 45 to 60 minutes. More isn’t always better, especially when you’re metabolically fucked as I am.

Over 2 million dead now from the virus. At least that we know of. In poor countries where they can’t afford to do so much testing, I wouldn’t be surprised if the real numbers were closer to 4 or 5 million. While that’s a huge number in itself, it hardly puts a dent in the population which is still climbing faster than it is dying.

Been listening to the usual sounds here… traffic, planes, and landscaping. The commercial planes haven’t been as bad lately due to the virus, but yesterday we had our usual 4-hour trash and recyclable pick-up and they’re also working on the new house. Still. Wonder just how many more months they’re going to be working over there.

Another thing is that someone’s been leaving a dog out during the daytime that I’ve mentioned before. I would think Dixie would be able to hear it loud and clear. Luckily, Virginia’s house blocks most of it, so I don’t hear too much from that or the house workers from the room I mostly work in.

I don’t know why but I’ve been having this feeling lately about dying in 2038. But that’s only 17 years from now and not the 20-something I would have guessed. Can’t say for sure whether or not it really means anything but I’ve been having this feeling lately. I suppose anything is possible and even if it does mean something, I’ve already lived a long time and 17 years is still a long time left as well.

Although it’s a little earlier than planned, I decided to make my Facebook account more private. There really is no need to be public although I’ll still do public stories every now and then that disappear after 24 hours. I almost always get views from a non-friend and I always used to think it was Kim, but since she hasn’t been online, I guess it could be anyone.

Still excited about the move but nervous as well. We still don’t know if we’re flying or driving or if we’re going to start off in a park or not. I would love to think that we’ll get a beautiful, peaceful place but I don’t think we’ll get the “ideal” place. I think we can definitely find something quieter than this, though. I just feel like I’m not meant to have the ideal place but don’t know if it’s by design or happenstance. But an improvement is certainly better. If it’s a little quieter and it’s cheaper, then great.

I ignored the email the Sundae rep sent apologizing for getting my hopes up for nothing, and yeah, it does suck. A traditional realtor is going to make things a lot harder for us and slower as well.

I had a dream that he and I were hanging out at home as usual in a place that didn’t look like this. I hadn’t worked out that day. Finally, I convinced myself to at least do a short workout instead of being lazy. I passed a room where he was working out, sitting halfway up on a couch and twisting his torso back and forth. I then entered another room to find that Tom had pulled out an old scale even though it was still digital, and it told me I was 133 lb even though I knew I was 136 lb.

Then he finished working out and came out of the other room to tell me that he heard something in the news that meant that Nervous was probably receiving payments on account of and I reminded him that he was dead.

“Oh, is he?” he said.

“Yeah, he died at 53 of a heart attack. You must be thinking of my other old friend Fran Paiva,” I said even though he’s also dead.

Then Tom asked me if I wanted to go out to some cookie factory or something like that and I agreed.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 2021 Signing in with boring off-black nails that almost look like a dark plum color in bright light and a very pissed-off mood. The nail color looks good on me. It’s just a boring shade. I’ve seen worse, though.

Fucking Sundae! They led me on after all. NOW the fucking bitch I’ve been communicating with tells me that I once mentioned being on leased land and she “just confirmed” with her team that they don’t buy houses on land that isn’t owned. As I told her in my reply, thanks for getting my hopes up for nothing! She should have known their own rules and policies up front and shouldn’t have had to “confirm” them. Argh, fucking assholes!

We may as well accept that, as usual, this isn’t going to be easy for us and we’re not going to get any breaks along the way. I still can’t wait to get out of here but we’re gonna have to deal with a realtor. So no more hope of getting out of showings and having to deal with the shit that goes with traditional realtors. We’re going to have to Goodwill what we don’t want and try to figure out how to get rid of what they won’t take. He’s going to be ordering a bigger trash bin.

sighs This may also make it harder to beat the jury duty extension deadline. Why couldn’t I be a convicted felon just until we leave?!

Anyway, we’re now measuring the tote bins that we’re packing stuff in and trying to get an estimate of the size of moving pod we’re going to need.

Just took care of the smelly pigs. Work, work, work, work. I’ll miss them but not caring for them. I’m tired today too. Nothing woke me up, but it was one of those days when I was up forever and didn’t sleep as long. No idea why my body does this at times.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2021 Lisa Montgomery, the woman who killed a pregnant woman and cut out her child who survived, got exactly what she deserved. You kill someone, you deserve the death penalty as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if you’re mentally ill, if you’re poor, if you’ve got diseases… If you kill, you’re a murderer, and if it’s not in self-defense, you should be removed from society rather than a burden to the taxpayers to house and feed for the rest of your sorry life. She should have been killed years ago and I’m sure she would have had her victims not been white.

The article I read disgusted me. I clicked on it, and sure enough, it was all about poor, poor little Lisa and what a horrible childhood she had. I had a shitty time as a child too. Does that mean I’m entitled to go out and kill people then? The article seemed to express much more sympathy for her than for her victims. Really, I’m so sick and fucking tired of all the victim-blaming or at least the support that many criminals get. They probably would have rioted If she was black.

Then I’m sitting there shocked as hell by all the supportive comments this woman got. It was “poor criminal” all around.

So I asked Tom his opinion and he said that generally, he’s against the death penalty because there have been cases where it was learned too late that the person was innocent. He said we have enough jails, and they can be kept there.

“But what about if their guilt is really obvious?” I asked and he said that in those cases the person is usually out of their mind and should have been locked up a long time ago.

I agree with that one! I’m still pro-death penalty but we definitely need a lot more people locked up though not necessarily in jails. They also need to stop letting out people that are virtually guaranteed to re-offend like rapists.

A rep from Sundae messaged me. Figured that was coming anytime now. She wants to jump on the phone to see if we’re “a good fit for each other.” I told her we’re not quite ready yet and that we want to wait until we’re vaccinated and that I’ll have Tom contact her when the time comes. I assured her we were definitely not going to change our minds.

Thanks to Trump, Aly couldn’t get vaccinated in time. She’s no longer asymptomatic. She has a lot of fatigue, feels cold, and has lost her sense of taste and smell. I hope to hell it doesn’t get worse and that she doesn’t land in the hospital. Yeah, I’m trying not to think about the fact that even though it’s very unlikely, she could be dead in two weeks or less.

Although I assured her I wouldn’t share in public, I found it a bit odd that she asked me not to do so in the first place. Who does she know that also reads my journal and who would know I was talking about her?

The red spot on my leg is slightly darker and more raised. It almost feels like a hard blister. I’m seeing some white scaly stuff on the edges, so yes, whatever it is definitely shouldn’t be there. I just took another comparison pic.

I decided to order an assortment of Japanese snacks. Cam won an Amazon gift card and got a snack pack of their own to try. It’s a little pricey but when I checked it out, I decided it would be a fun way to sample new things without getting carried away. So Friday I’ll have 36 treats. It cost $24. Some have English translations on them. Otherwise, I’ll have to guess but it’s the mystery and surprise that will be fun. Looks like there’s going to be candy, cakes, cookies, nuts, and gum, but I don’t see any chips.

I had something like the third dream where I was 37 years old and Tom and I were discussing the possibility of having a kid while I still could yet my heart wasn’t really into the idea.

There was also a dream about a large black mailwoman. It was more that she was very tall than wide. She seemed friendly, laid back, and not very chatty. One day she delivered 3 boxes of mail that Tom had been too lazy to pick up or had forgotten about, not that he would ever do such a thing, of course.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12, 2021 Really getting sick and fucking tired of hearing about how horrible white people are everywhere I go online. This rant isn’t about any person in particular or even about any group but about people’s shitty attitude in general. It’s like people don’t get that white people aren’t the only problem in the world. It’s society as a whole. It’s totally unfair, unrealistic, and discriminative to blame one group for the world’s problems.

Yes, there were a lot of shitty white people on Capitol Hill. People who should be imprisoned right along with Trump. But why is it that whenever whites do something shitty, everybody’s quick to crucify them while some BLM members and others of color who aren’t affiliated with any group can riot, loot, obstruct traffic, and do all kinds of destructive things which people sometimes also lose their lives, yet the whole world doesn’t turn on them? It’s only the white people who get the criticism when they do something they shouldn’t and the dual standards just get old. No matter how much you choose to bury your head in the sand in the name of political correctness, whites aren’t the only problem in the world. There are just as many shitty assholes in other groups, but if you want to kid yourself, go right ahead. it just goes to show that the vast majority of the population has come to support or at least accept non-whites and that’s great. Really, it is. But to see so many of color turn against whites and even my own kind turn against us is really disheartening and worrisome. It’s not okay to shit on whites any more than it was okay for whites to shit on others.

The little girl that gets a bike for her birthday which doesn’t really faze her that the kid who didn’t get would be incredibly excited to have it.

The hopeless struggles one woman faces to conceive while the crackhead down the street spits babies out like crazy.

The guy doing five years for kiting while someone else gets a slap on the wrist for beating the shit out of someone.

The young straight male of color that gets the job the white lesbian in her 50s is actually more qualified for.

The rich people with thousands of dollars sitting uselessly in their bank accounts while others are starving.

Those on Indian reservations that get tax breaks because of what the government did to them hundreds of years ago and which no one alive today had anything to do with while others still have to pay taxes. Most others anyway.

The plentiful calories some people consume and still lose weight while others just look at food and blow up.

Even though it’s no one’s fault, it still bugs me at times how backward and unfair the world is. You dream it, you want it, you need it, and someone else gets it. It may not happen all the time but definitely more often than it should.

Nothing new really going on other than that California is being stupid again by having tons of people go to Disneyland and other places to get vaccinated. Gee, we have a pandemic going on so let’s get shitloads of people together so they can spread it even more, right?

Why don’t they just let the doctors and pharmacies have the fucking vaccinations just like with flu vaccinations?

MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 2021 While I slept today, Tom did some more research on that park in Port St Lucie. I was wrong in assuming it’s a small park. It’s actually a small section of a huge club with a few thousand homes. It’s called the Savanna Club. They have three pools, golf courses, and a lot more. It’s a gorgeous and upscale-looking place. However, we’re totally confused about why they would have such nice houses for so cheap. And we’re also confused by the way it lists such low payments yet says it’s on leased land.

Upon his research, he found that there’s actually a long-term lease where after so many years the owner of the club owns everything that’s a part of it which means if you’re still there when the lease expires, you would either have to pay a fortune to stay there or move. The question is when the lease began and for how many years does it last? If it doesn’t expire for 30 years, then we’re okay as long as there are no other hidden catches like additional monthly fees they don’t mention. Maybe the low amount they list is in addition to space rent that’s not listed.

As much as I would love to live there and as much as I think it may still be noisy, though not nearly as noisy as here, I don’t think we’re going to be able to get in.

The place is only 4 miles away from one of the places my parents lived in on Nettles Island and he thinks that that’s probably why they went there. So they could get so much more for less. It’s just amazing that they could do it without the help of the Internet! But she also got a huge inheritance and 89K for the Longmeadow house. I don’t know exactly how much it was, but I know it was a decent amount. They bought a nice RV to go down in when they were looking for a place.

He was surprised to accidentally discover a nuclear power plant nearby and wonders if that might be part of why the costs are lower. Or at least the costs that they list. I can see where some people may be concerned about the reactors breaking during a hurricane.

Anyway, whether we can get in or not, and we won’t know until it comes time to actually contact a realtor so they can explain precisely what the deal is, it’s absolutely beautiful there and would be a good place to grow old. As with any place, though, it does have its pros and cons. For example, you are responsible for your own yard work just like here which means the “daily buzz” would follow me there. I may not hear the really loud obnoxious blowers that you hear here and perhaps not as many saws, but there would still be enough mowing, blowing and trimming going on, and according to all their rules, he didn’t see anything that designated landscaping to specific days.

Another negative is that while I don’t think commercial planes would be an issue, there are more small airports so I’m guessing that since it’s a heavily populated area small planes and helicopters would be a regular thing.

More people and fewer whites are also a bit of a negative, but I don’t care what color they are as long as they aren’t the white-hating, race-card-playing welfare bums we had in Phoenix, and of course they couldn’t be even remotely close to that. We did have Mexican neighbors in Maricopa, and they were no problem. Trashy, yes. I hated the way they would let some of their trash blow onto our land but they themselves weren’t an issue. It was the Mexicans in Phoenix and just in general, especially the illegals smuggling in guns and drugs.

And yet another negative is that we would definitely have to deal with evacuations during hurricanes and be at risk of losing everything. But since I’m not nearly as materialistic in the way that I used to be and important things can be backed up in the cloud, I’m not quite as concerned with that as I might have been in the past.

Now here are the positives. The biggest one is that motorcycles are not allowed. Yes! Those are definitely the most annoying sound-wise. But you can have one dog or cat that must be kept indoors.

I don’t think a roaring freeway would be an issue there since I don’t see any nearby but I’m guessing there would still be a similar amount of projects going on since most people have at least some money there and it doesn’t cost much to buy a circular saw.

This place is so gorgeous and in such an ideal location that I would be willing to put up with some noise. We could get the sleep pod right away although there’s no doubt in my mind that I would sleep better there probably even without one. There would be a bit more space around most of the houses and they’re not right on the street like we are here.

If the payments were that low, he may never have to work again unless we wanted extra money for something big.

So here, the issues are the freeway, landscaping, commercial planes, other aircrafts, traffic, and projects. About half of these can be eliminated or at least reduced. Oh, and we should be able to have water all the time, of course!

One thing’s for sure and that’s that I won’t settle when it comes to a park. If I’m going to be in a park, then it has to be worth it and we have to be in an ideal location. If I’m choked off by other houses and all I see are streets and houses, I’m not interested. I want a “water house” as I call it. If I’m going to have to listen to some shit, then I want a great view while I’m at it. So I definitely want a place that backs up to a body of water.

I still don’t want to get my hopes up because I’m guessing there’s going to be some kind of catch that will prevent us from getting a loan. Again, we’re going to be poor once we leave here. I think we’re going to have to get some land somewhere but that too has its pros and cons but should be even quieter.

Now what if worse comes to absolute worst? Tom said he came up with a backup plan for if the worst-case scenario came to be and that would be if Sundae and a traditional realtor didn’t offer us enough. We don’t think this will happen, but if it does, he’ll get a job and we’ll flip this place. It would delay the move for 6 months to a year but that’s what we would do. And of course, I would try hard not to wonder if something was trying to trap us here while we were at it.

OMG, it just hit me that my “Aunt” Ruth lives in Port St Lucie and I know she’s definitely lived in adult communities. Wouldn’t it be just too funny if we got in there and ran into her? She’s one of those that is both likable and not but basically, she’s a judgmental bitch with a big mouth. If she were kind to me, I would be kind back, though. Honestly, I don’t know that we would even recognize each other since she’s about 80 years old now and hasn’t seen me since I was 23-24. If she suddenly appeared in front of me and started talking, then I would realize it was her, but I think I’ve changed a lot more than she would have. She never cared to be an aunt to me, but if she ran into me and hugged me and asked how I was doing, it’s not like I would spit in her face and run. In reality, she would probably run, LOL. Too many vicious rumors spread by my mother put a really scary label on me that has a long and lasting impression.

Looks like Phillip also lives there. That’s too funny.

Just visited ZabaSearch. Both he and Ruth are listed as living 5 miles from “Water Palms,” as I call the house I want, but further inland. Looks like an on-site house. He would probably want to meet with me if he knew we were just a matter of miles away and that would be fine. However, I’m not saying anything to anyone so it doesn’t get back to the termites. I can’t stop the internet from sharing our personal info but for as long as I can help it, no one there will know if we move there.

Again, I don’t see it happening, but it would still be kind of funny to end up just 4 miles away from where my parents lived. You know, the mother that told me when I mentioned wanting to move down there from Massachusetts that she didn’t want me living anywhere near them.

Yeah, I had a wonderful mother.

Aly’s finally come to realize that Molly could never be a true friend to her. Maybe she’ll come to see that about Kim someday as well. She claims Molly used to be a better friend but has become incredibly selfish. She says that at least Kim has some good traits in her. Yeah, in the mix of all her craziness, joke of a memory, habitual lies, and obsessive behavior that makes me wonder how she’s hardly worth it. I don’t know why Aly is drawn to the mentally ill and doesn’t feel she deserves better but at least she’s come to see that the only person Molly could ever be a true friend to is herself.

The only difference this time around is that the last time she dumped Molly, Molly stalked her relentlessly. This time she’s so wrapped up in her obsession with some guys that she hasn’t even noticed her absence. Aly said that just the fact that she wasn’t mentioned confirmed and solidified her own feelings and suspicions. I noticed this too, although I wouldn’t tell her. But last night I did happen to drop in on Molly for the first time in a while and I noticed the same thing. I was a bit surprised, too.

I had a dream about Andi, the butch bitch from the Vista Ventana in the 90s, only she went by some other name. Tom and I lived in an apartment building and she also had an apartment there. Once she realized we lived in the building even though it wasn’t next to her and we were a couple of floors away, she tried to make trouble for us by complaining about something we supposedly did.

Early one morning when it was still kind of dark and she had left for work, we went to the back of her apartment and Tom made himself comfortable on a bench swing. I was surprised to see that she had not just two small dogs as I had thought but four, and also by how quiet they were.

I’m glad that as far as I can tell Ruth doesn’t live in the Savanna Club. If by some chance we actually do manage to get in there, I’d hate for any family members to live there and make God only knows what kind of trouble for us, especially if they had any clout of any kind within the club.

I also hope to hell Tammy never finds out where we are if we move there. I wouldn’t put it past her to drive to our door. But then if she did, I could do whatever I wanted to her. Or maybe not because the girls would come after me for sure. I’m not about to take on a quarter ton of pure asshole, though I WOULD see to it that they were charged, convicted and jailed. If they weren’t…

I did hear from Goodreads. Gotta give them links to my books.

Later…

Something happened today that put us one step closer to getting out of here, at least in my mind, and one foot out the door. That came in the form of a jury summons for the first. Damn me for registering to vote!

I’ve never had any desire to do jury duty. For one, I don’t drive and that would mean Tom having to take time off from work. But even if he never works again (though he likely will), you know how I feel about courts and the law in general. I have no interest in having anything to do with it ever again unless I’m suing someone or something like that.

So we went to the site and I was able to request a 90-day delay. That’s April 26th. My last appointment is on the 6th, so hopefully, if all goes well for once in our lives when it comes to moving, we’ll be out of here before the 26th and I can tell them I’ve moved.

If anything, this has really given us the initiative to really motivate ourselves to get out of here, not that I needed much motivation to begin with. But it kind of narrows it down to a more specific time frame for us if we try to get out of here in April after I see Doc A and before the 26th rather than wait until May or June. It’s going to depend on whether or not we can get a decent offer from Sundae. They’re the ones that could cause any significant delays.

If there is any reason we can’t get into this club, though, it will be because of money. Trying not to get my hopes up but oh, how I would love a water house! A parcel of land would be quieter and it would certainly have its pros but it wouldn’t be nearly as pretty or as safe, especially for an aging couple. We couldn’t have Walmart deliver and there wouldn’t be as many shops and restaurants. Either one is still preferable to staying here. The club is likely to be somewhat noisy but should be way worth it compared to here especially since it shouldn’t be nearly as extreme. I think small planes, helicopters, and landscaping will be the biggest things there. I do remember being on the phone with the termite one day when I heard a small plane fly over her place, so yeah, that will be a thing there too, as with most places. But is it a few a day or a few dozen a day like here? That’s what I hope we’ll get to find out as we totally want to get into this place!

Port St Lucie is a climate that would be better than Homosassa even though the “Homos” would still be better than Citrus Heights. Again, I won’t get my hopes up because I don’t usually get that lucky, but I really hope to be much more excited about the move than filled with doubts and concerns nagging at me.

Tom doesn’t really care about views and things like that (I think women are always pickier than men when it comes to aesthetics) but after over a decade in the desert and having so little water and rain in Oregon and here, it would be a nice change of pace. When the weather permitted and it was at least mostly peaceful out, it would be so nice to sit in the lanai sipping coffee or wine and watching the breeze ripple the water and any ducks or whatever that may be swimming around. I think it would be a very serene and tranquil scene compared to just streets and houses. Hopefully, it will be a decent size body of water too and not just a small one that’s more like a giant puddle than a lake. When I view the club via satellite, I could see there were different sizes. The bigger the better because then you have fewer houses around you and a little more privacy. Still trying not to get too hopeful because we’re not exactly rich and we’re not in the habit of getting exactly what we want either.

I do have some good news and that’s that Goodreads removed the dead links to the handful of books I had listed there, even though the woman told me they don’t usually do that. So that’s one less thing that can be Googled, and that nasty review is gone along with Sarah’s “like” of it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10, 2021 Apparently, we psychics have “reactions” when we’re onto something just like a dog alerts us to something it’s trained to find. Well, after looking at some houses and being like, yeah, maybe, I “alerted” to one instantly, twirling with excitement and feeling tears of hope and desire sting my eyes. I knew it was the right place for us. Funny too, because it’s actually in a park in Port St Lucie, an area I’m somewhat familiar with since it’s in the Stuart/Jensen Beach area. I’m sure my parents knew it very well. It’s only about 10 to 15 minutes away from the beach they would go to when they lived on Nettles Island.

What made this house so spectacular was that it’s a co-op which means it would be easier to get into. We’re going to be low-income when we leave here probably for the rest of our lives so I don’t know that any park with land leasing would be quick to take us. I’ve never really understood money or been all that good with it so I can’t say for sure. All I can say is that we both agree a co-op would be better for many different reasons, the main one being that it’s cheaper and would leave us with money left over each month for other things. We don’t want to end up in the same situation as in Maricopa where the house sucked every last dime out of us.

The house wasn’t perfect any more than any other house, but it was damn ideal. I don’t want to get into describing much of it since sadly, now that they’ve dropped it to 69K, I can’t see it being on the market when we’re ready to get a place. I’ll just say that it’s a 1500-square-foot 1988 place in great condition with a great view since it’s right on the lake. Yes, we would have neighbors close to us but it’s a tiny park and I wouldn’t expect there to be nearly as much traffic.

Just like you know it when you find the right person, I guess you know it when you find the right house. It was the same reaction as when we were checking out manufactured home parks and I walked into the one we ended up getting. I just didn’t know we were going to be getting a shitty life along with it and that he would eventually lose his job and then we would lose the house.

So yeah, it was a great house in a great location in a great town even though it is a little more populated than it is here, and I’m sure I would love the climate even though it does get nippy at night in the winter there.

There’s a lot of good in rural but that might not be the smartest idea since we are getting older. We know we would be better off in a park, especially when our golden years aren’t so golden anymore and we’re not able to take vacations and the party is basically over. We would still want to be where there would be activities for us to partake in be it bingo or whatever. I just don’t want a dumpy piece of shit that’s in a crowded park, totally choked off by other houses. We looked at one like that for 45K and while the good in that would be that we could remodel it to our tastes and soundproof it easier, that would take time and money, and the place was less than 1000 square feet. The neighbors were even closer than they are here.

So if the location doesn’t feel right, I would rather go with land. It would really be ideal if we could get a place where I may still have to get a sleep pod for traffic, mowers, and any projects going on but that wasn’t noisy enough to be worth soundproofing.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up even though I can’t help but be excited about this place. I haven’t been able to get it off my mind. It’s been on the market for 213 days and this is the third price drop down from 90K so I can’t believe it’s going to sit there until March or April. I say it’s gone this month. And then I just have to hope we find something just as ideal when it is time to get a place. Truthfully, I don’t think I’m going to be this excited over whatever we end up getting. I just couldn’t get that lucky. I think there’s going to have to be some settling involved but we could still get something better than this.

I know that where there’s a will there’s a way, but I filled out an opt-out form with ZabaSearch anyway to see if they’ll remove our address. I get that there’s no way, as they said in their FAQs, to remove all personal info from the internet, but if this is one more thing I can remove, why not?

I used to believe that those who try to hide their info had something worth hiding but since having my privacy invaded, I see things in a whole new light and can totally understand their frustration. It really has a way of making you feel violated. Even if you don’t have anything to hide and there’s no direct threat hanging over your head, the point is simple… It’s no one’s business. Looking a person up is no different than peering through the windows of their house. It’s wrong. If information isn’t given to you, then you shouldn’t be able to look for it. I’m pretty much an open book in that anyone can ask me anything they want to know and there’s a damn good chance they’ll get an answer, too. But that’s the way it should be. My business should only be yours if I make it yours.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9, 2021 My little Fuzzy buddy is gone. :( It wasn’t long after I got up that we noticed he was in the opening of his burrow appearing weak and struggling to breathe. At that point, I could kick myself for not letting him go last night.

Tom quickly set up the euthanizer which is a bottle of vinegar that he cut a hole out for inserting a funnel into as well as a plastic tube in the opening that he sealed with a glue gun. The funnel is for slowly dispensing the baking soda into the vinegar and of course, the plastic tube goes into the cage for the colorless gas to flow out of. You don’t have to cover the tank because carbon dioxide is heavier than air. You just have to make sure you don’t put in too much baking soda at once otherwise you’ll suffocate the animal, and it won’t be much better than smothering them with a pillow or something. You want them to fall asleep, then go unconscious, and then suffocate. He got the exact measurements online.

Anyway, what broke my heart was that before we got him into the tank, he gave out a little squeal and appeared to really be in pain and struggling to breathe as his body convulsed and his tail flapped around. Then he went still but I could see some traces of movement, suggesting he was still breathing at least a little. By the time we finally got him set up in the tank, I don’t know if he was dead or had gone unconscious. Tom said he noticed breathing and was most likely unconscious but not dead. The euthanizer worked fast as it was supposed to. The whole process only takes a few minutes.

I just feel horrible. Not just for the loss of the adorable ratty that lived 773 days but because I wish we’d acted sooner. Maybe it would have spared him some suffering but at least it’s over now and he didn’t seem to suffer for long.

He’s buried outside between the master bedroom and next door’s garage. I hate the sound of that shovel slicing through the dirt, but I’ve heard it many times. It’s a sad sound to me.

So now it’s just the pigs until next month. It isn’t that I don’t like the pigs or would wish any harm on them, of course, but I definitely don’t care about them in the way I cared about Fuzzy. When it comes to rodents, I’m just more of a rat person. It’s been that way since 1998 and that will never change.

On top of that, they’re going to be turning off the water from 9 to 5 on Tuesday to fix 3 water leaks. I appreciate that they’ve gotten better with warning us and that this shit’s happening less often but damn am I not going to miss it! Really miss the days of being able to shower anytime I want and not having to worry that the water may suddenly go off for one of these “emergencies.”

Tom was saying that it might actually be better if Trump wasn’t forced out of power because then Pence would become president and he would have to pardon Trump. Trump may actually stand a better chance of being convicted of something if they leave things alone until the 20th.

I get what he’s saying but I highly doubt he’ll ever have to answer for a damn thing he’s ever done. As Tom said, though, the most important thing is that he’s not president after the 20th. Still can’t believe how crazy, hateful, delusional and downright mean this little cock is. Just as scary is how many followers the sick fuck has. How do you do this shit and end up with so many people supporting and following you? I just don’t get that. But then Charles Manson had his share of supporters as well. There’s always someone willing to support anyone.

Feeling a little off again. It isn’t that I’m getting stabbed in the chest with adrenaline so much as I just feel a little off emotionally in the way that I only began to experience since taking this medication, so I might skip tomorrow as well. I just hate to fuck my metabolism up even more and risk inviting more weight.

Bad news from Aly as well and that’s that she tested positive for the virus. I’m not surprised but that’s great that she’s asymptomatic. Let’s hope she stays that way! This is exactly why we’ve been hiding as if we’re fugitives on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. The only unnecessary trips that we make are those weekly Rite Aid trips and we wear masks, mandated or not, totally foolproof or not.

Did some reading out of curiosity last night and found out something rather interesting about Facebook. There have been some people whom I’ve wondered if they’ve either muted or ignored my messages. Well, now I know they haven’t. I read that if you don’t see the “ignore messages” or “mute conversation” options in Messenger then that means that they have ignored or muted you. If you do see these then they haven’t. I noticed that some businesses that don’t handle support issues on Facebook that I’ve got automated messages from when I did try to reach out to them have their “ignore messages” options missing.

So Alyssa isn’t muting or ignoring me and neither is Doc O. But does this mean they’ve read my messages? I guess it’s likely.

Doc O just heard from me one last time. I told her about the brand issue and that I never did hear back from her son who I blocked because while he may have been perfectly harmless, I had no idea how he got ahold of my name or what his game was. I told her we were moving and wished her luck and that was it.

I haven’t messaged Alyssa in nearly half a year because I just haven’t been interested in doing so but I couldn’t resist saying hello to her husband when I was curious to see if his gym was open since I know that a lot of gyms have been closed and saw the email address listed.

I also noticed that Stacey created a second Facebook account for some reason. She’s connected to her son there but not her husband. Yes, I messaged her as well, letting her know that we were moving soon and that I hoped she was well. I added that I just turned 55 and maybe when I’m 60 I’ll say hello again, LOL. If she got the message, she’s making sure I don’t know it and I know you can do that.

Sharyn is back to her half-dozen daily posts and has completely ignored my message. Yes, I know it could be a glitch on Facebook’s part or that she simply missed it or didn’t get a notification, but I’d say the odds of that aren’t very good. Not sure what it was I said or did but since I don’t want to bother with anyone that doesn’t want to bother with me, I deleted the message.

Do I think it was rude of her? Yeah, I do although I can’t say I’m all that surprised. Just like with Phillip and Jennifer, people may talk to you once or twice and then they just ghost. I’m not sure why or if this is something that only happens to me, but it was definitely rude. She could have at least “liked” it or written a quick “Fine, thank you” or “I hope you’re well too.”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 2021 I went through Sharyn’s posts back as far as Christmas. That’s enough time to tell me she posts quite religiously. At least half a dozen times a day. Then I leave a message and the posting stops. Funny, ain’t it? Only I don’t believe in coincidences. I’m also not dumb enough to think she suddenly decided to abandon her account. I’m sure she’s either gone friends-only or is just hoping that if she gives it enough time I’ll forget about the message if she doesn’t post that she’s been busy and will try to get back to people or something like that. So yeah, unless she got hit by a car again and this time wasn’t nearly as lucky, I’m not stupid. I am, however, a little surprised and disappointed in her. I didn’t think she’d go so far as to not post anything just because I left a message that she would prefer not to respond to.

Doctors must have a much harder rule than I realized about being in touch with even former patients since I made it clear that we’re moving. But between Doc O and Alyssa, they obviously aren’t allowed to associate with former patients any more than current ones. For some reason, I thought the former ones were acceptable but unless it’s just me personally and she doesn’t want to deal with me or respond any more than Sharyn does, I guess it’s considered unethical of her.

A year or so after we move, I’ll still send messages to Docs A, N, and G just for kicks for them to ignore as well if they even see them in the first place. I’ll probably even say hi to Stacey again. I guess it’s just what we bored writers do, LOL.

I still can’t believe yesterday’s insurrection and that an American president of all presidents would incite a riot in hopes of overthrowing the government. This is all on top of deliberately withholding vaccinations for most people simply because he didn’t win. A lot more of us could be vaccinated by now if it weren’t for this fucker that I would absolutely love five minutes alone with.

I’m glad I was right about Trump not being re-elected, but I can’t help but wonder if he had been. Would we be vaccinated by now? Would they have busted into the Capitol?

If we don’t get vaccinated before the move we may not be able to fly even if we wanted to because they may make a rule forbidding anyone who hasn’t been vaccinated to fly.

Texas is still a possibility as well as Florida. He did the math and found that with a 20K down payment, we should be able to get a place up to 90K. I definitely want to avoid states like Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi and Georgia. Southern Texas is appealing climate-wise but then I also don’t want to get too close to Mexico either. I’ve seen what the Mexicans can do in Phoenix and also in Maricopa. I don’t want to see it again. Why is it that those I would rather avoid want to live where I want to live? I still want tropical but tropical is more expensive, crowded, and noisy. It really is a trade-off, alright. The question is just how much I’m willing to trade. Depends on what we could get for it. I would certainly go to a climate that’s a little colder than I’d like as opposed to living in a more populated and less safe city that’s warmer.

Then there’s money. We could get so much for a lot less in certain parts of Northeastern Texas. I’d rather have a little extra money to do more things in a colder place than not have extra money in a warmer place. Yes, I hate the cold and a climate like Oregon and Nebraska is completely out of the question but if it was similar to this it may be worth it depending on what we could get out of it. More space, more peace, and more money might be worth it depending on what we find. I wish I was completely oblivious to climate altogether because then we could just get the fuck out of this fucked up country and go to Canada.

I forgot the name of the town (Pollok?) but there is a great-looking 1800-square-foot place with huge rooms on a decent-sized lot that doesn’t have much around it. The only negatives are that there is a small airport nearby and it backs up to farmland. I don’t expect the small airport to be that busy since it’s in a rural town, but I wonder what loud equipment may be running on the farm and if the place constantly smells of cow shit like Maricopa did. It’s still tempting!

I’d say we’re definitely moving, though, based on the dream I had. This place didn’t look like it really does, as usual, but we had just finished packing everything up and as I was falling asleep, I thought to myself how I couldn’t believe that tomorrow night I wouldn’t be sleeping there or ever again. That would be wonderful so I didn’t have to go to sleep like I will next time around knowing that I’m going to be woken up by garbage trucks. I fucking hate that. I’m just so fucking sick of that and I can’t wait to escape it! Got to get up just because they collect the trash, got to get up because they read the meter, got to get up because some fucker has to blast by in some insanely loud vehicle. It’s gotten bad just about everywhere, so this is why we really have to choose wisely when it comes to our final destination. Definitely not going to miss the projects and the daily landscaping. The dead of night should be peaceful. Not full of planes and traffic, although tonight it’s too bad. It would take one hell of a place and one hell of a climate for such a racket to be worth it and let’s just say it’s no place we could ever afford.

Even though I’m still not sure if I believe in curses or not, I really do seem to have sleep issues above and beyond the norm. When you can’t keep a schedule and you’re the lightest sleeper on earth, how can you not feel cursed? So I worry I’m going to have problems even if we were in a place that was dead quiet. If there’s anything out there that doesn’t want me to sleep, it’s not going to let me. It could just make sure I had more insomnia or that I wake up more often and can’t get back to sleep, couldn’t it?

The US virus death toll is now over 4K a day just as I figured it would be knowing how stupid most people are. They just had to get together over the holidays.

Tomorrow my beloved ratty will be joining the death count. We just can’t let him go on this way anymore. So tomorrow we’ll be euthanizing him. We want to do it in the daytime so we can bury him once he’s gone. :-(

We also have to change the pigs’ cages. They fucking stink tonight. We don’t expect to re-home them until sometime in mid to late February. Blitz finally caught on that yes, he really needs vitamin C and has been eating the tablets we spent a fortune on. He doesn’t eat as much of the food as Rockefeller does which is fortified.

My hair is still as unmanageable as ever and I’m at the point where I’m practically ripping out knots as I brush through it because I’ve lost patience with it. Depending on how much longer it is until we’re vaccinated, I may just go ahead and cut it myself.

I walked both outdoors and on the treadmill today since my hip is okay and I knew I wouldn’t have energy tomorrow. I’ve been up for 10 hours and my current stats are as follows:

21 zone mins 41 active mins 9764 steps 1723 cals burned 6 hr, 38 mins of sleep Sleep score: 85

Bet tomorrow’s score will be under 85 thanks to the trash truck.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2021 Oh, look at that. Sharyn posts every single day but happens to skip a day when I leave a message on her wall. More than likely she’s just delaying having to acknowledge and respond to me unless she decides, in the end, to pretend she didn’t see it.

However, Sharyn’s the least of my concerns. The fact that a mob has stormed the US Capitol and is attempting to overthrow our government with Trump’s support and help right along with the damn pigs themselves is rather big news. Tom says we could have a big problem if they don’t get it under control and they don’t throw Trump in jail for it because then it could happen again, the Constitution could be overthrown, all laws could be thrown out, and then it’s just a matter of those with the guns being in control.

I’m starting to see where blacks really are victims as much as perpetrators. Yes, what happened to me is all too commonplace. Many courts/laws do favor them these days, but I can also see where they do get shot more by the police and have less support where the police are concerned, thugs or not. Because the majority of Trump supporters are white, Tom believes that’s why the police aren’t so quick to take action against them from storming the Capitol.

I hope he’s right in thinking the pigs will eventually get things under control because if they don’t, it could get in the way of Biden being sworn in and increase the violence against minorities, including me. I just thank God that if worse comes to worst, Ashkenazi doesn’t “show.” It’s hard to hide being black, and you can usually tell when someone’s gay or lesbian but fortunately, no one can look at me and see that I’m Jewish even if I’m about as religious as a rat is regardless of what I look like.

Trump was definitely the worst thing to happen to this country as religion is the worst thing to happen to the world. The fucking cock encouraged his twisted supporters to do this and delayed calling in the National Guard. He only sent the National Guard when other states said they would send theirs.

Whites are just as wrong for doing what they’re doing today as blacks are for rioting and looting when one of their own gets shot. What’s happening today is definitely worse, though. Smashing AutoZone’s windows and looting Target just isn’t the same as storming the Capitol.

I was just thinking the other night that I was glad I didn’t have 50 or 60 years left to live because while some things definitely do get better with time like the fact that gays/les can marry, I think the world, in general, is also getting worse. When you see certain things still happening or that start happening in 2020 that you’ve never seen happen before or that you never thought would or could happen, you realize that anything is possible. The world really could go to hell and be overtaken by all kinds of crazy Hitler-like people. I’m sure Anne Frank never thought that she would be kidnapped by a bunch of crazies and then tortured, starved and killed.

This shit could get in the way of a lot of things including moving although I don’t think or sense this shit will go on indefinitely. I sure as hell hope not! We’re always looking at what’s available and I realize that at this point, as long as nothing throws us off track, our future home is probably on the market right now, especially if it is on a piece of land and not in a park. So we’re just a click away from home but don’t know where to click!

Tom had his video meeting with Dr. A who he could tell was at home. He could see a bookcase and a hallway in the background but didn’t hear anything. I could tell by her latest profile picture that she definitely lives in a much quieter area than we do. I swear I’ve heard half a dozen helicopters today and I’m not even in the middle of my day yet.

Anyway, she said that the spells he’s been having, and the tremors are normal although there’s a blood pressure medication that helps with that if it gets worse. She recommended adding protein to all his meals and lab work and a physical, of course. So we’re going to get blood drawn around the same time.

My blood pressure is still a bit high but since I don’t expect to lose any more weight than I have, I would rather just live with it than take medication. It’s still better than it was. Especially since I’ve cut down on sodium. At my age, I can’t ever expect to have normal blood pressure or glucose levels ever again.

The sleep schedule program he wrote has my schedule jumping 1 hour and 15 minutes a day. I now think it’s around 1 hour and 20 minutes a day. We’re going to download the raw data off my Fitbit sleep sometime and he’ll be able to calculate the numbers and adjust the program accordingly.

After I use a few coded drafts on PB, I’m definitely hanging up the tracking for a while because it’s a pain in the ass since I have to code each individual entry and to be honest, there isn’t anyone in particular I’m looking for or hoping to see. Or not to see for that matter. It’s just a bunch of countries and pretty meaningless at this point.

Okay, they’ve now secured the Capitol. But do I see Trump ever getting arrested for instigating this? No, I don’t, sadly.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2021 I guess you really can’t weigh yourself every day after all, with water fluctuations and things like that. I ate more yesterday yet I’m down today. Still can’t believe I’m on to anything but I’m definitely going to stick to this way of eating because it will make it harder to hit the 160s and I feel good this way as well.

We tested my blood sugar when I got up and it was 107. Definitely not great but a little lower than the last time the lab tested it.

Even though I was quite lazy yesterday and didn’t even make 7K steps and only burned a little over 1700 calories, I got 12 accidental zone minutes due to my high HR.

We went out walking today and as usual, it wasn’t very peaceful with all the landscaping. Also had to dodge dogwalkers and heard a couple of planes but it was otherwise pleasant. The air was cold, but the sun was warm.

Passed by one house that’s sort of nearby that has a picket fence on one end of it where an unattended dog was left outside to bark. That’s so Westerner too. I wonder…if we were in the same size park with the same street layout in Florida, would we encounter more dogwalkers, assuming more people there are okay with dogs living indoors?

I thought I’d been hearing a bark lately that wasn’t loud enough to be annoying and didn’t go on for hours like Jesse’s dogs used to and like they used to in Phoenix. I wrote it off as being Santa’s dogs even though I thought it sounded slightly different. It’s unlikely it’s being left outside at night or else I would have heard it for sure.

This time we walked for 33 minutes and I got 25 zone minutes.

They finally removed my book, so that chapter of my life is definitely closed! It was fun and interesting at first but definitely not worth the lack of money and the shit that went along with it. Writing is such a black-and-white world. You either don’t make shit or you make a fortune.

I don’t know if “anxious” is the proper word to describe how I felt yesterday, but I felt a little off emotionally, so I decided to skip my meds today. I’m also going to start taking my statin with my last meal of the day because sometimes a kiddy yogurt isn’t enough to prevent feeling nauseous.

It would be great if we could find an ideal house on an Ideal piece of land as I don’t know that any park would take us since once we’re out of here, that’s it, the money is gone. We’ll probably never again have money like this and that’s okay as long as we can afford what we need. However, it would be harder to get out of a house on land than a house in a park where they’re more in demand should that climate backfire on one or both of us.

I don’t think we’ll ever literally be broke again. At least not like we were in Auburn. Not sure if he’ll ever work again but he may not need to if we get a place where the payments end up being a little over $200 a month. I’m all for taking a chance and starting on land, though, since I hate communities and I don’t know that I would sleep any better in a park there than I do here. Starting to get the feeling that we’re not going to be in a park, actually, but it’s all going to depend on what we find. I’m still open to the idea of a park if we find an ideal location and they’re willing to take us.

So Tanya Roberts has gone from dead to supposedly not dead and then back to being dead after a UTI spread to other organs and then invaded her bloodstream. I didn’t think these things still happened these days with antibiotics in existence.

I had a series of dreams that morphed into each other. I was following Maliheh down a city street when I said I wanted some hard candy. A pile of lollipops then magically appeared on a table sitting on a sidewalk that she pointed out which was then suddenly inside a store.

Then a crazy woman was saying some nonsensical stuff to me and appeared to become angry rather quickly. Knowing she wasn’t right in the head and not wanting to stick around for her to lash out at me with whatever paranoid delusions were going through her mind, I picked up my pace and then found it was nighttime. I decided to head home and passed a parking lot where a couple of employees in their twenties were mopping it. I thought of what a shitty job that would be to have, and then I was in our park.

I passed a house for sale that I knew belonged to a relative of Marie’s that died. I knew she knew that I lived down the street and that she was ignoring me for some reason. I wondered if she had left yet but when I saw a light on in one of the windows, I knew she was still there.

In the last dream, my cousin Sharyn came to visit. It was summertime and I was in a sundress. I was totally embarrassed and self-conscious as I suddenly realized I had forgotten to shave under my arms. So I offered to make her coffee to use as an excuse to quickly shave while it was brewing.

A second later I was wearing a bodysuit and lying on top of a bed next to some girl as Sharyn was writing something on a nearby chalkboard. I looked down at myself and decided I should put my sundress back on.

In real life, I left a message on her wall since it’s been a while, not that she would dare think to say hello to me first, of course.

MONDAY, JANUARY 4, 2021 Crying now because we’re likely going to have to euthanize ratty rat soon. He’s still eating and doesn’t appear to be in pain despite not being able to walk well anymore or lift his head up all the way since the biggest tumor is at the nape of his neck, but the end is near and things can only go downhill for him at this point. Tom read about rat experts who recommend putting them in a tank like one of our plastic bins and mixing vinegar with baking soda and how you can’t hurt them even if it fails because all it will do is put them to sleep for a while. If you use enough of the mixture, though, they won’t wake up. sighs sadly Next grocery order we’ll get the required ingredients.

It’s been raining hard for hours now. Cali really needs the rain too! No thunder like they predicted but sure enough, it isn’t stopping them from running around with their obnoxious blowers. It seems it isn’t just the park obsessed with that shit but also the Cross Community park near the Rite Aid we ran out to.

Red wine may stain teeth, but I missed my merlot, so I got some of Barefoot’s brand which I think is the best version I’ve ever tried, along with Sutter Home’s Moscato which has become my second favorite wine.

I’ve been up for 3 hours and strangely enough, I’m not hungry yet. I did have a couple of bites of my candy bar, though, and a small yogurt so my stomach isn’t entirely empty. Once I start feeling hungry, I’ll make some pecan-smoked chicken wings. Feeling kind of cold and tired, so I’ll pre-heat the oven now. Eating will hopefully give me some energy.

Only I could jump nearly a pound with the 500-calorie deficit like I had yesterday. I know water fluctuations can affect the scale from day to day but still, this is ridiculous. One should be able to work this hard and see results and I don’t mean just a few pounds either. But my weight is going to slowly reset itself no matter what. At least once I’m back to 157, I can work it back down to 155 and just keep bouncing between that 2-pound range for as long as I can. As long as I can never have normal TSH numbers, weight loss will remain impossible. At least I think it would. Maybe I would still get nowhere with it even with normal numbers because look at all the fat people out there. They don’t all have bad thyroids but then I don’t know if they’re willing to slave their ass off by exercising for an hour every day and modifying their calories as I have. So I don’t know what would have happened had I had normal numbers any more than I’ll ever know if I still wouldn’t have conceived had Tom been normal sexually. I would doubt it, though.

Anyway, staying in the 150s may not be the healthiest thing and yes, it does make some things in life a little harder but at least I’m not wheelchair-bound because of it. When I saw a video about a woman who was hundreds of pounds overweight and bedridden, I told myself to shut up and stop complaining! After all, my body wouldn’t be determined to hang on to its weight if it didn’t feel it needed it and I know deep down I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

That bubbly feeling started in my chest again but it’s like it could barely get started. It’s almost like it tried to do it but couldn’t. Definitely does seem to be more likely in the morning just like the article I read said, though I still don’t know what it is much less if it’s serious or not. I’d say it hasn’t occurred enough to be worth mentioning to my doctor and hopefully, it will stay that way. I’ve had enough shit in life!

I’ve also had enough of trying to get my book removed. Scribd obviously has no intentions of removing it no matter what Smashwords does. It’s okay, though. It’s only going to sell once a lifetime and I do share some of my journals for free after all. Hey, I made the Arizona Republic a lot of money so why not make Scribd just a little, right? I’m used to working for free or at other people’s expense. if I was meant to profit from anything I do, I wouldn’t have this sleep disorder.

So Tanya Roberts died at age 65. They won’t say why other than that it wasn’t the virus. By the time she entered Charlie’s Angels, I had pretty much given up watching the show. Once Kate Jackson left, I wasn’t all that interested.

I had a dream that my dad and Kim from MA were visiting and also that the termite found my new number somehow and left a message. Don’t know what she said in the message, but I recognized her voice right away. She definitely would call too, if she got ahold of the number, so I’m glad that that’s one of the few things in this country they don’t make public. Especially with the way Androids often make it a hassle to block numbers.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3, 2021 We walked just over two miles this morning. It was only 50 degrees but warm in the sunlight. I’m still having three large meals a day and I’m definitely not as hungry as often. I’m just starting to get hungry being 45 minutes away from my second meal. I usually go 5 hours between meals. Didn’t have my last meal yesterday because I was tired, and I crashed early. Was able to back my schedule up by an hour but it’s still two hours ahead of where it should be.

I didn’t quite burn 2K calories yesterday but I came close at 1958 or something like that with over 12K steps. Woke up at 155.2 pounds but I know my body. It will reset itself back to 157 no matter what I do. But if I can bounce between 155-157 indefinitely and avoid hitting the 160s, it’s not all bad.

We ordered a sound machine so I could have a portable one in the hotel since we don’t expect to go from house to house. It would also be good to have because I’ll be in an area that’s likely to have more power outages since they have real storms there. We’re supposed to have heavy T-storms and wind tomorrow, believe it or not.

I messaged Dr. O telling her we’re moving in a few months and I would love to get together with her somewhere one last time because I think she may find a discovery I made rather interesting that had a hand in my anxiety that we never discussed. That’s the brand issue, of course. I told her I’d like an answer either way even though she doesn’t have to give me any kind of explanation if she doesn’t want to but I’m not stupid. I know I won’t hear back from her. At that point, that’s when I’ll tell her about it anyway and how surprised I am that none of my doctors ever suggested this to me, not that she wasn’t a great doctor.

Pawandeep, the Indian lady Tom used to work with texted him and they chatted for a bit. She didn’t mention being laid off, so we assume she’s still working there. Of course they would lay off the older white guy before they laid off the younger Indian woman, but they definitely ended up doing him a hell of a favor with the virus about to really break out. Not to mention the fact that he’s actually making more on Unemployment than when he was working. Anyway, he told her we were heading for Florida in a few months.

In one of last night’s dreams, I was still 47 years old and he and I were discussing squeezing in a kid at the last minute and having me artificially inseminated since I was older. Then I thought about it and didn’t want to put myself through all that, so I backed out.

In another dream, I was sharing my journals with Aly via email one year at a time.

Something hit me earlier that Tom and I were talking about. Anytime I have dreams that we’ve already moved, it’s never in a park. When we were stuck in hotels when we first came down here and an apartment seemed inevitable, any dream I had about moving was never in an apartment. They may not mean anything at all but if they really are signs of any kind and I’m reading the dreams right, we won’t be starting off in a park. Can’t say that I have a strong feeling about that one way or another, but the dreams make me wonder if they’re little hints about where we’re heading.

Furthermore, I don’t see how any park would take us. They usually want you to make three times the space rent and with $1,300 a month, I don’t see any space rent being that cheap.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 2, 2021 Just when I was doing better for sleep and energy, I’m exhausted again. Due to yesterday’s nap, I ended up being up forever and slept much later than I normally would have. So my schedule made a big jump that jeopardizes my getting to the dentist. Hoping to crash earlier tonight and get up at least no later than I did today.

As I told Aly, who understands sleep problems well, what would I do without her and Tom to remind me of the things I so stupidly forget like the fact that I have Calms Forte. Last night I wasted my time taking a couple of Walmart children’s Benadryl which did absolutely nothing for me. That’s not what one should be taking anyway. I try to stay away from melatonin because I sometimes wake up in the middle of my sleep and have trouble falling back asleep with that, or I have nightmares and wake up with a headache. I’ll remember the Calms Forte tonight if I need it.

I read an article explaining that most people who are low on thyroid like me can’t seem to be able to lose weight even with treatment and how they recommend two to three large meals with no snacks in between instead of eating more often in smaller amounts. Funny too, because that’s what I started doing a couple of weeks ago and it’s at least helping me to not gain more.

I’m going to try to make a point of burning at least 2K calories a day. Yesterday I got something like 12,500 steps and burned a little over 2K cals. The treadmill is much easier on my hips than the hard pavement since there’s a slight give in the wood underneath the treadmill. I usually do 3 sessions where I start off sprinting for a minute or two and then I walk briskly while I do a puzzle. I’m aiming for at least 45 minutes of exercise a day although I suppose an hour might be better. I’ll never be under 154-155, but if I do this, it should make it harder for me to see the 160s.

I had a dream that we were living in a house that looked absolutely unlike this one, but we were still about to move. We had to empty out my bedroom for some reason and Tom told me to think carefully about where I wanted to replace the bed when we put the furniture back in the room. I decided that rather than to the right side of the window, which I realized could also go to the left side of it without the drapes hanging, I could move it further up the wall towards the door and then sleep on the other side of the bed where the mattress was supposedly more even.

I then walked down a wide hallway with dark hardwood floors and found Tom lying on a couch-bed listening to a Stephen King audiobook.

Then I swear Adonis was in one of my dreams and we were discussing how bad my memory had gotten over the years.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 2021 Doing this entry from my treadmill. I’m walking at 2.5 mph after doing a bit of jogging at 4 mph. I don’t want my hip to act up so I’m taking it easy.

I’m excited that 2021 is here! This is it. The year we escape this place! I never expect to find a quiet place since almost everywhere has gotten noisy these days but I’m sure we can get a quieter place. Any place not in a flight path and not on a busy street has to be quieter. So unless we trade in the planes, traffic, and projects for barking dogs, screaming kids, and loud music, I’m almost positive the next place will be heaven compared to this.

I listened to 75 audiobooks in 2020 but many of them were just 2-hour true crime books.

Yesterday when I was out walking, I tried to shoot a pic of one of the planes going overhead so people could see how close they come to us, but I couldn’t see a damn thing because of the sunlight.

Although I thought I slept well, I went from a sleep score of 90 to 83 and I’ve been tired today. I napped for a little over an hour and it helped a little but I’m still kind of tired.

I only burn 13 calories every 15 minutes in my sleep. Damn! That’s it?

I just hope Tom doesn’t have a third spell. Again he got weak, dizzy, and shaky a couple of days ago and his blood sugar dropped to 74. In five days he has a video appointment and he’ll mention it to our doctor then.

Didn’t realize Amazon Fresh and Whole Foods were two different things. We tried Amazon Fresh and as soon as they get here, we’re going to try Whole Foods. Looking forward to my crab rangoons, spanakopita and a few other things Walmart doesn’t have.

Walmart pissed me off the other day because they had non-spicy peanut sauce pictured on their site, yet I got spicy. Buying from Amazon Fresh or Whole Foods is better in that I can see reviews and get a sense of what’s really spicy and what’s not.

[andvys]

ANDY LOVE

THIS CHAPTER WAS SO ENTERTAINING DKJDISJSIDDISS - honey anon

“I guess they didn’t come,” you mumble with sadness and a hint of disappointment in your voice. “They never do.”

noo that's sad :( they seemed so nice with the meatballs and everything

“I mean, I thought that we could spend this night together,” you say, smiling with hope in your eyes. “Or we can leave if that’s what you–”

OMG WAIT!! I SENSE DRAMA POTENTIAL. the love triangle + alcohol 👀

“I knew it! I knew you were lying to me, Dingus!” 

THERE SHE IS THE LOML MY WIFE THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN

“You are both two immature idiots,” she groans, burying her hands in her hair. 

she's so right. what about our girl getting into a polyamorous relationship with rob and chrissy

“He threw up in the pool, Robin!”

IF THAT HAPPENED TO ME YOU WOULD NOT GET THIS INFORMATION OUT OF ME BYE

“Let’s go, ladies and.. Steve,” he grins. 

HAHAHAHAHA i remember when in high school we would work in groups and there were boys in our group but our math teacher hated us and was so mean and she would still call us girls just to spite them 😭😭

“Don’t start this again,” Robin warns, pointing at them both before she rushes over to you, wrapping her arm around your shoulder, she grins, “us ladies, ride in the front, and you two can cuddle in the back,” she winks at them, pulling you away with a giggle. 

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THEM CUDDLING IN THE BACK LMFAO

After an eventful ride to Steve’s house and a few shots of tequila, you all settled in his backyard, each of you occupying one of the many loungers around the pool. Passing around the joint that Eddie had given Steve as a ‘birthday gift’. You are sipping on a drink that Steve has made for you, coke mixed with his dad’s expensive whiskey. You are pretty sure that you will regret the amount of alcohol and weed you are having tonight, when you wake up tomorrow morning. But the floaty and giddy feeling you are experiencing right now, will have to make up for it. 

me reading about the drugs imagining the possible effects cause i've never been been under any influence (wish i could paste gifs here 😭)

“A girlfriend?” You ask as you raise the glass to your lips, shrugging, “I don’t know, I never thought about it but kissing girls is fun, so.. I suppose doing anything else with a girl is fun too.” 

BISEXUAL QUEEN

“If you think kissing a girl is fun, you should try eating one out,” Robin mumbles before she takes a drag from the joint, “it’s the best thing ever.” She blows out the smoke, not noticing the confused frown on your face. 

do share your experiences robin go on, lemme just ✍️

“For once, I have to agree with you, Robin,” Eddie chuckles. 

hUH

“What is that, I don’t watch porn.” 

GIRL

Your jaw drops, your cheeks heat up and you stare at him in shock. You look cute like this and he could stare at you forever but, in his state of shock, he slowly turns his head towards Steve, eyes filled with concern, confusion and disbelief, “dude, what is wrong with you?” 

STEVE GETTING EXPOSED ON HIS BIRTHDAY BYE IM CRYING 💀 her reaction is so me i also was shocked when i first learned like "people do that????"

“I’m very self conscious of not doing a good job, so–”

BRO 😭

“What, Munson, are you the pussy expert or something?” He scoffs, rolling his eyes at him. 

NOT THE KITTY KING IM WHEEZING

“I have eaten my share of pussy, thank you very much.”

WHAT IS GOING ON

“Fine! Two or three months ago, happy? Now, Harrington, I think I should teach you some basics.” 

WHO WHO WHO WHO WH- (turns into an owl)

Steve rubs the back of his neck, nervously, “I mean, yeah. Just not–” he pauses with a look of shame in his eyes as he briefly glances at you. 

don't embarrass yourself further 😭

You are so fucking done. 

ME TOO BUT THIS CHAPTER WAS SPICY OKAYYYY

IM SO EXCITED FOR MORE ANDY!! 🤭

WHY DIDNT I SEE THIS LAST NIGHT AAHH BESTIE IM HAPPY YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER!!!! 🩷

'with the meatballs and everything' why did that make me laugh LMAO

reader getting into a relationship with Chrissy and robin? 🤭

LMAO boys had nothing more than to get called 'ladies' or 'girls' even though it's clearly very sarcastic

Steve being a dumbass and getting exposed, Eddie making reader jealous, what else is new 😩

BESTIE I THINK YOURE GONNA LOVE THE NEW CHAPTER HEHE 🤭 how are you doing?? 🩷

[dragonfly92]

OLD FAMILY FRIENDS CHAPTER EIGHT

Luckily it didn't take long for the girls to get from the hotel to the restaurant of course Sarah had texted Andy to give the group a heads up saying, "Hey we are a few minutes away are you guys at the restaurant yet?" He messages her saying, "Hey yeah we are see you girls in a few minutes then xx."As stated they had arrived a few minutes later but before the girls went inside Melissa speaks up looking at Sarah saying, "Alright sis before we go inside you've got to wear this blind fold we have one last surprise for you and before you ask we aren't giving you any clues you will just have to trust us okay?" Sarah smirks a little saying, "Yeah of course I trust my sister and friends." So she does as she is told and puts on the blindfold of course her big sister helped her so she wouldn't trip over anything.

Once inside of course the tables and chairs had been moved out of the way for the time being, also so that Sarah couldn't bump into them and there was a stage as well, once Mel had stopped her in front of the stage and then removed her blindfold slowly opening her eyes her finally surprise was that the guys would be performing a few songs for her which causes her to have a big grin on her face then she looks over to her friends, brothers and sister then turns her attention back to the guys Andy was standing in front of the microphone and speaks up by saying, "Well we hope you enjoy your last surprise, also you enjoy the show and I know it's already been and gone but Happy Birthday Sweetheart."

She smiles and then the guys started performing, they had performed a few of their old songs as well as some of their new songs, whilst they was performing Sarah was of course on the dancefloor with everyone who was dancing and having a good time, of course Sarah was dancing with her oldest brother Nick whilst now and again she would look over at Andy smiling and of course he would smile back for her this was one of her best birthdays ever, after a few songs the guys decided to have a break which of course Sarah completely understood seeing as they had performed for two hours now, some chairs and tables was placed back so that everyone had some place to seat whilst eating and drinking.

Sarah was sitting with Andy and a few of the other guys whilst everyone else was spreaded out having a good time, he speaks up asking her "So what do you think so far enjoying yourself by the way you look beautiful in your dress and let me guess Belle?" Sarah laughs whilst taking a sip of her drink and says, "I am having an amazing time thanks for this all of you guys of course I gotta say this is my favourite birthday so far and yeah it is thank you, it's just a shame that this holiday can't last forever but I wanna make the most of it obvious how about you enjoying it so far?"

He smiles saying to her, "Well you're very welcome I am happy that you are enjoying your birthday and I know how you feel took quite a few pictures for your photo album also get to spend time with the people that I care about alot still can't get over the fact that Joe and Harper are together of course I am happy for them, to be fair they do make a cute couple what do you think?" Sarah looks over at the table that Harper and Joe are sitting at talking to each other whilst of course involving the others as well and then turns her attention back to Andy saying, "Yeah I have never seen Harper so happy not since she had that breakup a while ago and I know Joe will take good care of her, to be honest I would love to see those two get married."

He smiles at his cousin and Harper saying, "Yeah I hope so as well I mean it's clear that they do love each other and he does care about her but it's good to see them both happy." Sarah and Andy ended up talking for hours then it was time for the guys to go back on stage to perform a few more songs to end the evening, even though everyone didn't want it to end it would unfortunately happen this time when they was performing Sarah was now dancing with Hannah and Rose laughing whilst twirling around it was so much fun, of course throughout the whole night pictures had been taken unaware to Sarah and Andy but Rose had been taken pictures of them to add to Sarah's scrapbook for her last birthday present which she would get after the holiday was finished.

It was midnight by the time and everyone started heading back to the hotel of course they had separate rooms Sarah, Harper and Mel shared a room, Rose, Hannah and Jessica shared a room with the boys Andy, Joe and Lonny shared a room, Pat, CC and Jinxx shared a room Jake, Jacob and Nick shared a room, Danny, Luke and Reef Kai shared a room it didn't take them long probably fifteen minutes to get from the restaurant back to the hotel everyone had said goodnight to each other before going into their rooms for a well earned and deserved sleep after a much fun packed day plus it was quite late and the gang had a packed day tonight.

SARAH'S PJs

HARPER'S PJs

MELISSA'S PJs

ROSE'S PJs

HANNAH'S PJs

JESSICA'S PJs

[n0ahsferatu]

"valentine's"? never heard of her. but "kiss your lizard day"? now *that* is a holiday worth celebrating 💕

[rosewantstowrite]

Birthday love

(Five Hargreeves x Reader)

A/n: I know this is late but Happy Birthday to the umbrellas! This is a f!reader x five story. I just got busy so I'm posting this now even though it’s extremely late. If you guys want I can write something like this for the rest. In this story Y/n has powers but she usually hides them, her powers are slowing time down, multiplying herself, and healing others, yes she’s one of the 43 kids andI don’t know if they can have more than two powers so forgive me if this isn’t accurate, and five is aged up to 21 as the reader is 21 also the bold and italic texts are flashbacks. I thought I’d give some backstory on how they met and how they got together. So it might be longer than my other stories. This is smut because birthday sex

Warning: oral (female and male receiving), overstimulation, vaginal fingering, thigh riding, unprotected sex (wrap it up before having fun), fluff at the end, mention of demastic abused, daddy kink, thigh riding

Today was a special day for y/n, she got up early so she could make breakfast for Five. She looked over at him before she slid out of the bed and walked into the kitchen. She knew he didn't care about his birthday, but she was still going to spoil him on his special day. But as she was walking by the closet, she saw the box in the back that held most of her favorite lingeries but her favorite one was a see through lace peekaboo teddy, so she grabbed lace tights, a thong and the box before she grabbed a robe and walked into the bathroom that was attached to the bedroom to change into her outfit that’ll be part of his present she put on his favorite shade of red stain lipstick, her eyes was just a natural look, nothing crazy, no foundation, no blush, no eyelashes, just the red stain lipstick and natural eyeshadows, she made sure to hook the garter hooks to her tights she put the robe on to hide her surprise, as quiet as possible she could; she walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. She made fresh coffee, she begin to make eggs, toast, strawberries with chocolate dip and beacon, she set everything on a tray, she once again very quietly walked into the room, placing the tray at the end of the bed, she licked her lips, there was Five shirtless and in sweatpants, she stare at her husband, she got so lucky with him. It was funny because she met him when she was walking into Griddy's donuts.

She ordered black off and a cream filled donut. He was the only one here so she decided to pay for him. Which he seems to be put off but allowed it, she grabbed her coffee and donut, she was about to turn around and go to a booth but when that’s stop when she heard the boy said something about having more time until people found him, she look back to see the guys with guns are pointing them at the two of them. She didn’t hear anything because the next thing is she heard were shooting so she drop to the floor before she watch the strangers fight those guys with weapons and seeing he was with powers she decided to help out so using her slowing down time power, she ran into the action and help him out, he asked her if she was stupid for fighting but than grabbed a knife and cut his forearm open digging out something from his arm, she saw the blood so deciding to help, she walked up to him, blocking his way, causing him to glare at her, but she didn’t care, she took the napkin off that was beginning to be soaked, she placed her hand over his cut and imagine her hand glowing green and then there was green light envelope around her hand and imagining the green healing light go to the cut and heal him. She pulled away and stepped back. She was about to turn away when he grabbed her arm. “How did you do that?” The stranger asked, she chewed on her bottom lip before pointing to the door. “I’ll tell you everything when we get out of this place, the place will be covered by police soon, I know a hidden spot away from everyone. Here, take my hand.” She said but the stranger glared at her but seeing she could help him. He took her hand and she slowed time down, this caught his attention. “You have powers?” He asked and she chewed on her bottom lip, but by the look he’s giving her, she knew that she gotta answer, so once they got to the secret area she knew of, she pulled him in before letting go of his hand and put time back to the normal pace. “Yes, I have three. I can slow down time, multiply myself, and heal people as you saw first hand at the donut shop when I heal you, which by the way you’re welcome.” She said and sat down. “Why did you take me here? I need to be somewhere.” He said but she held her hands up in surrounder, she looked up at the stranger. “You can go in a bit, just stay here for a moment and relax after fighting the battle, you need to stop for a moment and let my power fully heal you.” She said and he reluctantly sat down. “If you have powers why are you not being a superhero or something?” He asked. “Whoa there, that’s personal, I don’t even know your name.” Y/N said and he arched a brow before he sighs. “I’m Five Hargreeves. Since we’re exchanging names, what's yours?” Five asked and Y/N looked at him confusedly. “Five? Why is your name just Five? But my name is Y/n L/n.” She said calmly and from then he kept going to Griddy’s donuts to see her for two months straight. In that time period he grew to have feelings for Y/n and he didn’t understand why so he push her away but she kept coming back and he decided on ignoring the feelings but he found him making it his mission to shower her in gifts but lie saying it just junk at the academy but he had bought tiaras and crowns that he deem good enough for her and when she said she have too many of them he switched to paying for the both of them.

But one day when he didn’t see her at the cafè he got worried. He began to ask Agnes where she was and she said she was here earlier but she got a phone call and ran out of the shop. This for some reason didn’t sit right for Five so he quickly finished his coffee and paid before running out and going everywhere they went. He even checked the hidden place, but as he was about to take a desperate move and ask Diego for help from his friend patch to locate Y/n, he heard crying in an alleyway, curiously and carefully entering the alleyway, and to his relief but terror he found a bloody and beaten up Y/n, he immediately grew worry and angry, he kneel in front of the crying girl who had her face buried in her blood soak jeans. He clears his throat to catch her attention. Y/n’s head shot up and her eyes widen, she try to looked away but Fve grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him, he look over her busted lip, bruised eye, a cut on her cheek and a broken nose, upon seeing this made Five very angry for some reason that he didn’t understand. But he knew he needed to take her home to her house. “Y/n come on, let’s get you home.” He began to say but she shook her head as streams of tears flowed down her cheeks and she began to shake. “No! I won’t go back there! He’ll hurt me!” She screamed out and that when it clicked. The way she always says no to the gifts before taking them, the way she always excuses herself immediately when a certain ringtone starts playing then comes back with a lame excuse saying something about family issues and she needed’ to go. It made sense now, she was being abused. That made his blood boiled, how dare someone who should protect their partner with their life harm Y/n! He help her up and he teleported her to the academy and got Grace immediately, though hearing his voice his siblings come and see what all the commotion was, they were shock when they saw a girl who was really hurt sitting on the couch. When Five returned with Grace he saw his siblings were there. “Five who is this?” Luther asked and Five sighed as he knew this would happen. “This is Y/n, she’s hurt because someone who meant to protect them hurt her, she’s a friend.” He said hoping they would leave it alone but of course Klaus had to pop in with his comments. “Our little psycho got himself a girlfriend!” Klaus said and got in Y/n’s personal space. “Hey, I’m Klaus. I’m surprised you chose Five.” He said which got him kicked in the stomach. “She’s not my girlfriend. Now everyone leaves before I kill you all myself. Viktor, can you try and find clothes for her while mom fixes her injuries?” He asked and Viktor nodded his head before disappearing, everyone but Allison left so they didn't get hurt. “Five, who is this girl really?” Allison asked, making Five groan. “Just a friend. You should leave. I have to talk to Y/n alone as Grace takes care of her.” He said and Allison sighed before leaving.

Grace begins to treat Y/n, lining her nose back up, before taking care of her busted lip and the cut on her cheek. “Mom can you leave me alone with her as you go get ice for her eye and nose?” Five asked and Grace nodded her head and left. “Earlier you said you can’t go back to your house because he’ll hurt you, who is he and where do you live?” Five asked and Y/n looked down to avoid his gaze. “My boyfriend, or should I say ex. I saw him cheating and when I tried to leave he got violent and tried to make me stay by threatening to kill me. But I tried to leave again and he started to beat on me but before he could hurt me even more I used one of my powers that allowed my to multiply myself to confused him and ran away but he come after me so I used my slow time down powers and I hide in an alleyway that he’ll never get to see and hide behind the dumpster after letting time go back to it regular pace. Then you found me.” She said and felt white hot tears fall from her eyes. Five sighed and forced her to look at him. “Where do you live?” He asked once more and she told him. After getting the information he teleported away as Viktor appeared. “I’ll show you to one of the bathrooms so you can clean up and get in nice clean clothes. They might be big but that's all I got.” He said and Y/n nodded her head and followed after him, after an hour and half in the shower she got out and got changed. She walked out to see a bloody Five, she shuddered as she put everything together. “Five you shouldn’t have killed him!” Y/n said but he hushed her. “I didn’t kill him, he was just in the hospital with a broken nose, broken ribs and bloody.” He said and she sighs softly before shaking her head. “He’s going to kill me when he gets out!” She began to panic and began to pace as she tried to figure out where she’s going to live, everyone she knew wouldn’t take her in because she was different. “I’m homeless now because of you!” She fell to her knees and broke down. “No you’re not. You’re going to stay here until you can get on your feet.” He said and helped her up before showing her to her new room with the gifts that Five had given her. She looked at him with surprise. “I didn’t know everything that was yours so I took everything that seemed feminine.” He said and she smiled guiltily and walked up to him before hugging him tightly. “Thank you Five.” She said and pulled away.

Since then they started to date for five years before Five proposed to her in front of an arch of roses and orchids. This will be their first birthday as a married couple. Sure they celebrate their birthdays together as a couple. But this is the first time that they’ll be celebrating as a married couple. She sat down by his torso and placed a hand on his chest as she leaned down and whispered in his ear knowing it drives him crazy when she does that. “Five, wake up my retired handsome husband.” She whispered as she trails kisses from the shell of his ears to his collarbone, leaving some hickies on her way down. That's when she felt him stir so she bit his shoulder when she heard a growl and hands on her thighs. She pulled back to see his normal piercing green eyes had darken over, she gave him an innocent smile and turned around to grabbed the tray and placed it on his lap when he had sat up. He looked at her with a dangerous look. “What’s this princess?” He asked as Y/n gave him an innocent smile. “It’s your birthday, so I figured we can have breakfast in bed and watch movies.” She answered with some innocence to her voice, Five stared at me with suspicion, she smiled innocently and leaned down to kiss his face, she hums softly and pulls away as he starts to let his hands roam down. He growled and pulled her back and smashes his lips against her before pushing the trays away letting the food crashed on the floor and pushed her backward so her back hit the mattress and he force himself in between her legs, he grabbed her wrists in one hand and pin them above her head and smirk at the surprise loo she had on her face. “Five, that was very good food. You just wasted good food.” She complained but he rolled his head and reached up with his free hand and grip her chin in between his thumb and pointer finger, squeezing her chin tightly. “That’s not my name princess. Do I need to punish you?” He asked in a dark deep voice, she gulped back a whimper and shook her head. “Words, use your words princess.” He said, making her eyes widen and she felt her throat go dry. “No daddy, you don’t need to punish me.” She squeaked out making him smirk and leaned down to look into her eyes better. “Good, now get up and strip for me.” He said as he removed himself from her personal space and she felt like she could finally breathe. She stood up before looking at him, she saw the dark lust swirling in his forest green eyes. She felt her body shiver under his stare which shot down straight to her core, she slowly begin to strip as he put on Hot In Here by Nelly, she went slow wanting to get him back by ruining the breakfast idea she had for him before giving him one of his gifts which was a promise ring.

She had a whole plan planned out for him. First breakfast in bed, go shopping for dinner, give him the promise ring, a movie, than let him use her as his sex doll to finished off the night but she guess she can give him the last present first, she slowly slip the shirt off of her body revealing her secret for the sex present, it was a lace peakaboo see through teddy lingerie, she slowly pushed down her skirt to show the peekaboo skirt that was attached to it, she had a black lace thong on and lace tights that were clip on by the hooks. She looked at Five to see his eyes had darken over even more at the sight of her. He motion yet to stand in front of him, she stood in between his legs, she scanned his body the three piece suit he was wearing was making her even more wet, she always liked it when he wear suits, she looked down at his lap to see his hard on, she smirk and got on his left thigh, he raised a brow at her, trying to figure out what she was doing. She begin to roll her hips letting the fabric of her thong and his suit pants brush against her clit, she let out a small moans, he gripped her hips and made her sped up causing her to let out more moans, she looked at him, she felt herself getting more needy as she felt the juices gather in between her legs, she rolled her hips as she felt him tighten his grip on her hips, she tilt her head back and let out a long moan, she could feel the knot tightens in her stomach, she begin to sloppily roll her hips, he smirk and begin to force her to grind against his thigh, soon enough she came, screaming out his name. She falls against his chest, he leans into her ear. “You’re not done yet princess.” He said, making her whimper and shiver, feeling the electric shock shot through her body down to her core once more. “Please use me like I’m sex doll. I’m all yours for the night.” She whimpered out and felt him pick her up and threw her onto the bed, he ripped her lingerie off, she gasped and glared at him. “Five! That was expensive!” She screamed at him but moaned loudly when she felt him pull off her underwear and slapped her clit. “I’m warning you one last time, call me the wrong name again and I’ll punish you.” He said and she whimpered out again before nodding her head. “Daddy, that was my favorite.” She said and he rubbed her thighs as he kissed her stomach. “I’ll buy you more.” He said and kissed his way down to her clit, he took in the bundle of nerves into his mouth. She gasped and tangled her hands in his hair and tugged on it softly. She felt his nibble and sucked on the nerves, she arched her back off of the bed and closed her eyes as she let him play with her clit. She felt another wave of shivers hit her as she felt her second climax approaching, she tugged even more on his hair. “Daddy, I’m about to cum!” She scream out as he insert two fingers, she gasped, he begin to pump and scissor his fingers in her with the occasional curling of his finger, he felt her clench around his fingers, he sped up his actions, she started to tear up as she felt tears welled up in her eyes as she felt how powerful her climax is going to be. After a few more pumps and sucking, she screamed loudly as she felt her climax hit her hard, she felt tears fall down her cheeks, she fell against the bed limp, she heard rustling, she could tell he was getting naked.

“Can you give me one more princess?” He asked, she thought for a moment before nodding her head and she felt her tears being wiped away by him before he stroke himself a few times before lining up with her, he slowly pushed himself into her, making her squeeze her eyes tightly and bites down on her lip harshly to keep from crying out from the overstimulation he was giving her. But she knew he was going to do it when she had said that he could use her like a sex doll. She felt the bed dipped as he placed his hands between her head. “Are we okay to continue?” He asked and she nodded her head and wrapped her arms and legs around him, he begin to started to thrust in and out at a slow motion just to give her time to adjust, but after ten minutes she felt him go faster and a bit harder, she moan softly and raked her nails down his back leaving markings. She arched her back and she arched her back, he started to thrusts harder and faster that made her feel electric shock shot through down her body and to her core, she moan loudly and, Five went faster, lifting her leg from his waist to his shoulder causing him to hit deeper in her causing her to curl her toes and start seeing stars, she felt the wave of her climax begin to build up. “Daddy, I’m so close, please don’t stop, I need it please daddy.” She begged out and he began to thrusts even more and she arched her back as the climax washes over her hard, she screamed out and she saw stars even more and as her body started to twitch and shake as he thrusts as deep as he could and cum deep within her, she gasped and looked at him to see him smiling smugly. “I want a child for my birthday.” He said and she laughed as they separated and she tried to stand up but she fell back on the bed. Five laughs and walked into the bathroom grabbing a wet washcloth and painkillers, he walked back into the room and handed her everything.

She stood up being a stubborn girl and walked towards the closet before grabbing one of his sweatpants and one of her nightshirts and regular pair of underwear, she grabbed the box before walking to him as he got dressed in his sweatpants as well, he was on the bed, she hands him the box. “I got you an actual gift.” She said and handed him, he arched a brow and opened it before looking up at her surprised. “It’s a promise ring. It’s me promising that I'll always be here for you and be your wife forever and not matter what happens I’ll be by your side.” She said and laid down before sighing out and shaking her head. “I guess I gotta conceal the dinner since I won’t be able to walk.” She laughed and called the restaurant before canceling the reservation. Five laid down and pulled her into him before pulling the blankets up. “Let’s take a nap then we can go to the academy and we can spend it with the others.” She nodded her head and she called asleep quickly.