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chickenmcstucky · 4 years ago

Text

meet me in the hallway

Bucky Barnes x reader

Light angst, fluff || 5.1k

Your bad day gets worse when your less-than-friendly teammate catches you having a breakdown over your shitty morning.

A/N: So this is the second work I’m posting, but actually the first I wrote. Inspired by my own bad morning, lol. Nothing like a little cathartic writing. I’d love feedback!

You had to physically stop your whole body from tapping along with your impatient foot. If you didn’t get out of here and back to your sunny balcony soon, you might actually die of frustration. Sure, the whole sunny day stretched out in front of you, waiting, but it was the principle of the thing. Wasting sun is sacrilege to you. Still, the young woman behind the counter was only doing her job as she gathered your prescription and searched for the coupon you asked for. Why was healthcare so expensive?

As your body cooled from the workout you’d finished just before hopping over to the pharmacy, your thoughts wandered to the lazy hours of writing, tanning, and listening to music you had planned for the day. The team was between missions and somehow the stars aligned and your time off brought gorgeous weather and some much-needed you time. The thought relaxed you as the woman finally rang up your total; as you swiped your card you put your Starbucks order into the app and prepared to finally get home and enjoy your day.

That is, until the card machine gave a deep chirp and the cashier informed you your card wasn’t covering the entire purchase. You balked - how could this happen? The insurance debit was loaded up for the year, ready for any medical purchases. It rarely ran out so early in the year, and it was just April! Your brain scrambled to make sense of it. Had the account rules changed and some of your purchase didn’t qualify? No, that couldn’t be it, you’d done this same process just a few weeks ago.

Your cheeks bloomed with heat as you realized the declined card was the only one you’d brought with you, convinced it would be a quick errand and seeing no reason to bring your whole wallet for the short trip down the street from the Tower. Fuck. And there were people behind you; you shuddered to imagine what they might be thinking of you in your sweaty workout clothes as you stammered to the cashier you’d have to come back. Just fucking great. You felt your good mood at the prospect of a sunny day slipping as you left the store as quickly as you could, trying to save a little face.

***

Making your way around the construction - why did they need to close the entire sidewalk? - you hastily headed back to the Tower to grab your wallet from your personal quarters, wondering all the way how this could happen. Why do the simple things always have to go wrong? Rationally, you knew this wasn’t a big deal. You would just pay the balance out of pocket and deal with the insurance later. But it was embarrassing and annoying and just plain inconvenient. Sure, you had the time and the money to spare, but why couldn’t things just work how they’re meant to? Your swirling thoughts brought you through the private lobby of the Tower and to the elevators that led to the personal floors; angrily jamming the button for your floor, you whipped out your phone to check the balance on the insurance card.

Your jaw literally dropped as your eyes caught sight of the balance. There was more than enough to cover the charge at the store! Now you were really upset. Jesus, why was this happening to you? Stupid, simple nature of the occurrence aside, you felt tears of frustration welling to the surface as you berated yourself internally. Why did you have to be lazy and only take the one card? If you’d just taken your whole wallet and been prepared, you could’ve saved yourself so much humiliation and frustration. And time. You’d brought it on yourself, you always did. Your frustration with the pharmacy and your anger at the insurance company quickly turned to annoyance at yourself and your lackadaisical ways. Why were you like this?

You shoved yourself further into the corner of the elevator, letting your head fall back against the wall as it ascended to the personal floors. You could feel your face was still ripe with embarrassment, your throat thick with unshed tears. God, why did everything have to make you cry? Embarrassment, anger, and frustration brought tears to your eyes more often than not, while sadness rarely wet your eyes. Of course, no one else knew that and you felt like a dramatic cry-baby every time you got teary-eyed in front of your teammates and friends. You were an Avenger, dammit! As the elevator signaled your floor and the doors whooshed open, you could only hope the walk to your room would be deserted. You wanted to make a quick exit before anyone saw your despair.

***

The hope was short-lived. You walked out of the elevator with your gaze on the floor, and smack into a well-muscled chest.

“Oh, sorry,” you mumbled, trying to scoot around the body without making eye contact.

“Walk much?” and if that wasn’t the last voice you wanted to hear. Of course, your card gets declined and you get humiliated to tears, and not only could the universe not provide you a painless return to your apartment, it also brought you face to face with Bucky Barnes. You were hardly in the mood to deal with him on a good day, let alone today. He rarely acknowledged your existence except to quip mockery at you, it seemed. At first you thought he was just like that, but you soon realized he was perfectly funny and friendly with the others, if quiet. So it was something about you; what, you didn’t know. And you’d accepted it. You didn’t need him to like you, honestly. His attitude towards you might have brought you to tearful rages sometimes, but only in the quiet solace of your room where you could freely wonder why he despised you so. His devilish good looks and killer smile didn’t help. Avoiding him was the best strategy.

“Can you just not?” you snapped at him as he blocked your way down the hallway, apparently hellbent on making sure you knew he was making fun of you. As if you weren’t painfully aware of how he felt about you. It didn’t help your girlish crush, the little voice in the back of your head always telling you maybe he was mean because he liked you. Bullshit.

“Whoa there, no need to get in a twist doll. Was just havin’ a little fun is all. What’s got you so worked up?” you heard the teasing lilt to his voice but the question forced your eyes to his anyways. God, the asshole was smirking, those gorgeous blue eyes glinting with mirth. Horrified, you felt tears welling up in your eyes again because the universe liked laughing at you, apparently.

“God Bucky do you ever fuck off? Honestly,” your voice broke on the last word as tears threatened their way out of your glassy eyes. “Just leave me alone, why do you always have to be so mean? What did I ever do to you?” the words tumbled out before you could stop them, your anger and hurt getting the better of you.

Realizing your outburst, you floundered in the hallway as Bucky looked at you with a confusing mixture of shock and hurt on his face. Did he really have the audacity to be upset with you? After the way he’s treated you, so often making jokes at your expense? In the back of your head, you knew the jokes weren’t that bad, nothing more than you’d say in a harmless rib against your other teammates. But they were your friends; Bucky was a menace. Not knowing what else to say as the shocked silence stretched on, you averted your eyes from his now stony face and tried to will your tears - and your anger - away so you could get what you came for, finish your errand, and try to salvage the rest of your day. How did things go so wrong so fast?

You didn’t notice as Bucky’s expression morphed from hurt to cocky as he prepared to deliver his next blow.

“Oh, woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning I see, sweetheart.” His smiling tone grated on your nerves - of course he was still making fun of you even after you yelled at him for just that. He couldn’t just be nice, could he?

“At least I sleep in a bed,” you spat, meeting his eyes once more. You knew it was a low blow, immediately regretting it as a pained expression flitted across his face. You sighed - only you could end up feeling guilty for dishing his own mockery back at him after months of his unanswered jibes. “Sorry,” you muttered, your eyes falling closed in shame and frustration at your inability to contain your emotions.

“Yea, okay, I probably deserved that,” you stopped yourself from mocking his ‘probably,’ refusing to dig a deeper hole for yourself, though the eye-roll was unavoidable. “I guess I’ll get out of your way then,” Bucky acquiesced, his voice quieter now.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw his flesh arm reach out as if to pat your shoulder, but he jerked it away as if he hadn’t meant it to move. He hesitated as he half-turned away; why wasn’t he leaving, and since when did Bucky get so unsure of himself? Usually he moved with a sure swagger that riled you right up knowing he thought so highly of himself. Of course, you knew he probably didn’t do it on purpose; your inner feelings about someone had always colored your observations of them and Bucky was no exception - sometimes you manufactured your dislike, but it was inescapable. He infuriated you.

Your head swirled with anger, leftover humiliation, shame at your words to Bucky, and confusion at why he was still in the fucking hallway. You stuttered, mouth moving without your permission but no words forming.

Bucky glanced back at you, and your downturned yet clearly turmoiled face brought an unseen soft, caring look to his chiseled face. It hurt him to see you upset, though you were unaware. He didn’t know why his words to you always came out so biting. He knew how to act around the rest of the team but for some reason you brought out his inner turmoil and apparently his coping mechanism was to just make fun of you. Was he protecting himself? But what did his feelings matter when he had so clearly hurt you? His heart broke realizing that your lack of response to his mocking over the weeks wasn’t good-natured but instead was silent hurt. Fuck, he’d fucked up.

“Honey, why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” the softness in his voice was so foreign and surprising to you that you jerked your head up, meeting his eyes in shock. “Maybe…I can help,” he gestured awkwardly.

You must’ve pulled a face at that, because his head immediately rolled back as he quipped out, “what, is it so surprising I can be nice?”

“Well…yeah,” you half-whispered, your mouth once more speaking without your mind’s permission. Suddenly you couldn’t meet his eyes anymore, your gaze falling anywhere but his soft blues. Once again you felt shame flood through you, even though you had told the truth - it was shocking to see Bucky offer kindness, at least to you. Had you somehow misread him so horribly? Fuck, there were the tears of frustration again. As if you weren’t embarrassed enough, this time a few actually fell, carving their way down your burning cheeks as your breath hitched.

“Shit. Okay, please don’t cry sweet girl, I’m sorry. I know I’m an asshole. I - I don’t -,” he cut off, not knowing how to explain. At his saccharine tone and the pet name - this time caressed with gentleness rather than thrown with cocky disdain - you broke as tears fell down in rivulets, your body wracking with silent sobs. Why were you such a mess today? Sure, you wore your emotions on your sleeve, but even you could control yourself more than this. Bucky’s sudden softness had caught you off guard. Where on earth was it coming from?

Unsure what to do as you exposed your raw nerves to him like this, you wrapped your arms around yourself as Bucky twitched in front of you, hesitating before once more reaching out to you, with purpose this time. He tugged at your shoulders until you were pressed into his chest, hiding your face in his faded blue henley. You felt the tension bleed out of you as he slowly brought his arms around you, his flesh hand running up and down your back in comfort.

“Hey there, it’s alright,” he cooed quietly, “it’s okay. We can figure it out. I’m sorry sweetheart, I’m sorry.” It was tearing him apart, seeing you cry. You’d never reacted to his jokes like that, at least not to his face. He wondered how often you held your tears in until you escaped to your room, and his heart fractured. He hated who he turned into around you. He’d fix it, he had to. A pretty girl like you shouldn’t cry over a stupid guy like him.

You finally hiccuped to a stop, the tears no longer falling as his sweet ministrations calmed you down. Before more embarrassment over your breakdown could set in, Bucky grasped your shoulders and set you away from him so he could look you in your eyes.

“Now, you tell me what’s going on. I’ll fix it,” his hands gripped you tighter with his last words, assuring you. His sudden change of heart, while shocking, was strangely believable. You trusted his conviction that he wanted to help you.

Sighing shakily, you sniffled and began to explain. “It’s stupid really, Bucky. You don’t gotta worry,” you deflected, walls going back up even though you longed for his comfort, his friendship that you hadn’t allowed yourself to crave.

“Little darlin, it ain’t nothing if it makes you this upset. Please talk to me,” his soft eyes pleaded with you, the kindness floating in their depths piercing straight to your heart. Your resolve - built less from stubbornness now and more from niggling shame at letting him see to your core - crumbled.

“It was just gonna be a quick run to the pharmacy - I needed a refill - and then I was gonna come back here and sit in the sun and try to just enjoy my time off alone but my fucking card got fucking declined even though it has enough money and God, Buck, it was humiliating. And then I came back to get my wallet and -,” you cut yourself off, unsure, not wanting to accuse Bucky of making you cry. He had, but it was the whole situation that had really gotten you going. You didn’t want to point the finger at him when he was being nice for once.

Your sudden silence clued Bucky in to the rest of the story quickly enough, though he took sweet pause at the nickname that had slipped from your pretty mouth. He had the grace to look a bit ashamed, but continued on. “Okay, that’s not so bad then, huh? You can just go back and finish up, it’s still early in the day, plenty of time to relax,” Bucky assured you, thinking he’d figured this out pretty easily.

“Easy for you to say,” you grumbled. “You weren’t the one humiliated in front of multiple people thinking you couldn’t pay. I mean I basically ran out of there, Bucky. Why am I so - UGHHH.”

He very nearly laughed, covering himself by clearing his throat - now that you were talking to him and his dumb brain was letting him be nice to you, he wasn’t about to ruin things by upsetting you again. He wasn’t going to push you away. He found it endearing how open you were with your emotions, wishing he could be more like you some days when his melancholy got the best of him. Maybe then he wouldn’t have to suffer alone.

“I see…well I’m real sorry you had to face that. I’ve been there a time or two, it’s no fun. But it ain’t bad as all that - they weren’t paying you that much attention. It’s New York City, everyone is so self-absorbed I bet they didn’t even notice. That’s not to say you don’t deserve attention ‘cause you do - I mean - that’s not - …yea,” he trailed off, cutting his rambling before he really embarrassed himself. He met your eyes sheepishly, surprised to see a small smile there. His heart soared knowing he was the one to put it there, even at the cost of some embarrassment himself.

“Well, I don’t have much of a choice, I need the prescription today. And - fuck! Whyyyyyyy,” you groaned, your face scrunching as you whined. And damn if that wasn’t just the cutest thing, Bucky couldn’t help but think.

The lilting, light tone returned to his voice as he gently laughed at your groaning. “What is it now, then?”

You moaned, blood rushing to your face as you admitted the silly annoyance, “I forgot my drink at Starbucks. I ordered it while I was in line at the pharmacy, I was gonna grab it on my way back. God, it’ll be warm now - or gone. Icing on the cake, just what I needed,” you sighed, resigned to the wasted money.

Bucky smiled genially as he reached over to ruffle your hair, tucking a stray lock behind your ear with surprising softness. You weren’t sure you’d ever gotten this close to his metal appendage. Something deep inside you fluttered at the prospect of more gentle touches, exploring each other and - now where the hell did that come from? You were beginning to think this morning’s commotion had somehow addled your brain. You shook your head at yourself, emptying those thoughts and Bucky chuckled. This time, though, it felt like he was laughing with you rather than at you. That was….refreshing. Nice, even. You yearned to make him laugh more.

“Alright. It’s no big deal,” Bucky calmly spoke, again determined to bring that smile back to your face and maybe, just maybe, get to know you as a friend. Something about how you’d opened up to him gave him hope he hadn’t ruined things beyond repair with his boyish taunting. He’d treat you like you deserved, be a good man to you, if he could take this chance.

“How about this - you go back, get that paid for, and I’ll go get your drink. If it’s warm or gone, I’ll make them make you a new one. Then you can get on with your day, and I’ll, uh…get out of your hair, I guess,” Bucky trailed off, suddenly unsure. Would this truce be short lived, lasting only until you resolved your dilemma? He guessed he’d deserve it if so, but he couldn’t help but hope you’d stick around him. He’d just have to give it his best shot.

“That’s - wow Buck, you don’t have to go to all that trouble. It’s nothing, silly really, I told you,” you scuffed your feet along the floor, suddenly feeling burdensome. A fearful voice in the back of your head wondered if you were just giving him more ammunition for future joking.

“It’s no trouble darlin’. It’s…it’s the least I can do for ya. I guess I know it’s a miracle you even talk to me. I don’t know why I’m so..” he cut off again, still not sure how to explain without exposing his inner thoughts. “Now, what’s the order?”

“Oh, uhm…,” you balked, disbelieving at what you were about to have to say to Bucky. “It’s, uh, called a Pink Drink?” you let the name escape your lips uncertainly, waiting for the inevitable mocking. But to your surprise, the sweetest smile graced Bucky’s face, lighting up his eyes.

“Well, if that ain’t just adorable,” he gently joked to you as you gave a grudging smile. “One Pink Drink it is, honey.”

And wow, these sudden sweet names were getting to you. You felt your heart flutter as he winked at you before sending you on your way down the hall to your room, finally about to clean up the mess you’d made this morning. He even waited for you to get your wallet, escorting you back to the elevator and riding down to street level with you.

“Go on then,” he encouraged, seeing you hesitate again. “I’ll meet you back up there,” he nodded back towards the Tower.

You smiled softly, half at him and half at the ground you were once more staring at, before making your way back to the pharmacy.

***

You supposed the second trip was actually rather painless. Not a big deal at all, just as Bucky had assured you. Perhaps you could salvage your afternoon indeed, let the sun burn the frustration and embarrassment out of you. Though something told you your newfound confusion at Bucky’s kindness would soon take hold. You still couldn’t believe the gentleness with which he handled you, the kind softness of his words as he comforted you - was this really the same man who spared few words for you but for jokes and laughter at your expense? Something had…shifted. You pushed the uneasy, yet warm feeling away. No time to dissect that right now, you scolded yourself as you headed up the elevator once more, this time for good. You were determined to put this morning behind you and enjoy your rare sunny day off.

As you stepped off the elevator to head to your room, you absently wondered where Bucky was. Surely he had made it back before you - the Starbucks was much closer than the pharmacy. Yet he was nowhere to be found. You weren’t sure if you were bothered or relieved about that. Bothered that he might have abandoned his mission to help you, relieved you might not have to face him again. At least before, his unkindness was certain. You had learned to deal with it. Now, this new kind, gentle Bucky? Just what in the hell were you supposed to do with that? You didn’t know what to think.

***

These swirling thoughts stuck with you as you walked into your room; you were so distracted by your own internal monologue that the open door didn’t phase you, nor did the breeze coming in from the now ajar balcony door catch your eye. Absentmindedly you flitted around the room, putting away your wallet and goods. When the breeze coming in from the balcony caught a lock of your hair, blowing it across your face, you froze. Why was the balcony door open? You certainly hadn’t left it that way.

Peering out to investigate, you stopped right in your tracks at the sight that met your eyes. Your lounge chair was covered in one of your beach towels, bluetooth speaker already gently playing your sunshine playlist. And there on the table was your Pink Drink. You were flabbergasted - had Bucky come in and done this? For…you? The mere thought of him taking the time to set this up sent your heart soaring. But where was he? Perhaps your earlier thoughts were right - his sudden kindness had run out, and he was tired of being your friend already. Somehow, you couldn’t quite believe that to be the truth.

Determined not to let this chance go, because now that you’d had a taste of Bucky’s sweet side you would be damned if you couldn’t sink your teeth in, you set off in search of the brooding man. Wandering down the hallway, you steeled your resolve - you were going to thank him, and you weren’t going to get flustered this time. Maybe this could be a new start for both of you. Maybe he was more than you thought.

The door to Bucky’s room was open, and you heard the soft notes of Billie Holiday float into the corridor. You pushed your hesitation aside and walked in, not seeing him anywhere until your gaze fell upon a brunette head just peaking over the top of a chair on his balcony. Walking towards the glinting sunlight outside, you lightly knocked on the doorjamb to alert him to your presence, knowing he had probably heard you come in anyways.

“Hey,” he exclaimed softly, rolling his head to the side to glance at you. He seemed less…pompous than earlier, at least, but less energetic too. Like something had popped his bubble.

You stepped gingerly out onto the balcony, as if you were wary of startling him. As if you even could. Suddenly you were lost for words, the atmosphere awkward in a soft way. Unspoken words flitted between the two of you, both lost as to how to approach the new dynamic that crash landed in your laps earlier.

“Uh,” you started, lapsing into a giggle. “Thanks for the uh, for my drink. And stuff,” you finished uneasily, letting out a sharp laugh at your inability to articulate your appreciation for his earlier kindness. You still weren’t sure if there would be more where that came from, or if you had simply taken him aback with your tears and his sudden gentility was a stress reaction. You steeled yourself to be laughed out of his room, just in case.

“My pleasure, sweet girl,” he sighed, gazing out over the city. “Least I could do, really.”

“I - Bucky,” you heaved a deep breath and continued, “thank you, you really didn’t have to be so….sweet.”

He didn’t respond immediately and you wondered if you’d taken it too far, but before you could get too worried he spoke again.

“Darlin,” he started, the term of endearment dripping from his lips sweet like honey, “I owe ya a real apology. I never wanted to be unkind to you, but it felt like I couldn’t stop it. Whenever I see you I just…forget myself. It’s like I don’t know how to act, you scare the decency right outta me.”

Was this really happening? You gaped, “wha - Bucky, what?”

He held up a hand to stop you as he kept speaking, his words further shocking you yet sending a warm buzz up your spine at the same time. “I’m sorry I’ve treated you the way I have. I like joking with people but it’s not right that it hurt you and I kept on. I’m sorry I made ya cry. It ain’t an excuse but girl, you really terrify me. In a good way, I think, but I didn’t let myself see that. I hope it ain’t too late, you know…to be friendly?”

You were sure he could see the astonishment clear as day on your face, and you watched as his own expression contorted with unease. It wasn’t hard to see this admission was uncomfortable for him. But why? Because it pained him to admit he was wrong, or because…he was as afraid of rejection as you were?

“It’s not!” you blurted before you realized you had even spoken. ‘“It’s not too late.”

Bucky looked at you with a small smile, hope blooming in his eyes. You couldn’t believe your shit day had turned into this - who would have ever thought Bucky Barnes, the asshole next door, could be nice. Could apologize, even.

An idea struck you and before you could lose your confidence, you spoke, “Do you wanna come sit out with me?”

You left the invitation hanging desperately in the air as you shifted from one foot to the other, hoping he would accept.

“Only if you let me have some of that drink,” he laughed as he got up and ushered you back inside, through to your own room and balcony. You smiled to yourself but stayed quiet as you sat down on your chair; Bucky got comfortable in the chair next to you as the tune of a love song permeated the thick, warm air around you.

Silently grasping your drink, you handed it to him. It felt like a peace offering.

His rosy lips wrapping around the edge of the cup mesmerized you, a rivulet of condensation dripping from the cup down his arm as he swallowed.

His low laugh snapped you out of your reverie. “Well?” you inquired.

His lips stretched into a smile, “sweet drink. Perfect for a sweet girl,” a husky tone to his voice as he handed the drink back to you, your mouth agape once more.

A laugh ripped its way out of your throat, loud and boisterous and before you knew it you gasped out, “who are you and what have you done with Bucky? So charming, jesus.”

“Guess I have my moments. Gonna try harder to have them around you,” he let out a breathy laugh, still unsure how to act around you. But this felt better, lighter. For the first time in a while, he felt at ease within himself.

“I think I’d like that,” you spoke surely. Then a streak of courage hit you and you went on, “maybe next time, I could go with you? I mean, you could go with me - together, uh..”

Bucky smiled then, wide, “you askin’ me on a date there honey?” he cooed, joking but in kindness.

This time, you were ready to dish it back. “If you think one drink and some sweet talking is enough to get a date with me you got another thing coming, Barnes!” you jibed. “I was merely offering to return the favor,” you turned your face up with false haughtiness, but your laughter and the way you averted your eyes told him the truth. Turning over a new leaf and all that, he guessed.

“Well, I suppose that’s a start,” he laughed, hope bubbling in his chest. “That’s a start.”

As you watched the sun reach its midday summit, your mind wandered. What a day it had been already. You never thought you’d share such emotion with Bucky, that he’d be capable of handling it, or even sharing some in return. Maybe there was some truth to his words - you wouldn’t let the pain of his mocking slide so easily, but you felt he deserved the second chance he was craving. You deserved it, too.

You stole a quiet glance at him, your cheeks warming as you realize he’d been staring at you. He looked away quickly, but not before you caught a blush spreading across his cheeks. Perhaps, you thought, bad mornings weren’t so awful if they ended with afternoons like this.

***

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felassan · 4 years ago

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Gamers For Groceries 2 event

A Twitch stream event from a few days ago. It can currently be re-watched here (it was fun & interesting, so I do recommend to check it out direct). This post contains some notes on things of particular interest & relevant timestamps, in case this is useful to anyone (for example bc of accessibility reasons).

First up is the All About Animating panel, a series of mini-interviews with game devs (animators) asking what they do, how they got there, and advice for anyone interested in getting into the industry. Some or all of the devs that were interviewed are currently working on DA4. They talked a bit about their day-to-day work and a lot about the craft of game dev animation in general. This segment runs from timestamp ~38 mins 40 secs to 1:07:50. Some notes:

[sounded like DA4] Right now the creature team are working on different creatures in a way which involves going through a lot of mocap data

At BioWare they have a pretty big technical animation team, to support their animators, so each tech animator has a different specialty. Tech anim involves animation support, character art support, and rigging the characters so that the animators can pose them

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] One of the featured animators’ area of specialty at the moment is faces and hair (building the control structure for face animations). First they had to decide how the face rig and its control structure would work. This involves a lot of performance capture of live actors for things like cinematics and gameplay animation, therefore the rigs for bodies and faces have to be able to accurately capture the full range of expressions and emotions that the actor is portraying. Right now the stage that this dev is working on most is setting up the heads that they’re getting through the pipeline from character art e.g. making adjustments based on feedback from the cinematics team. “Polish - just trying to get realism”

Hair tech has come quite a long way in the last few years [in the industry]

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] Hair is very complex to get right. “In the past most games have used card-based hair, which is basically like sheets of polygons with a texture on it that looks like hair, through layers of transparency. But real hair is strand-based, digital strands, so we’re starting to look into that kind of tech - try to get more realistic, more beautiful hair, but there’s always a performance cost to hair. Layers of transparent things are always an expense, they need to balance like, it looks good and moves well, but it doesn’t make your computer or console chug. [...] I guess we’re in the prototype stage but we’ve almost got a set pipeline. It’s always fun to experiment”

In Mass Effect 2 or 3, Miranda’s hair was as expensive as a whole character (!)

[on balancing hair costs/performance, general] It depends on things like character importance and how many characters are on-screen at the time. When you’re in gameplay fighting a bunch of monsters you’re not going to be giving full beautiful hair to all the characters and the monsters, as it will cost too much. (Having a helmet on is a convenient way to get rid of hair.) But if it’s a cinematic scene, with 2 characters talking to each other in a dramatic context, there’s a better budget for nice hair allocated

Some of the hair in Anthem was quite expensive in cinematics. They kept getting bugs from QA saying (for example) that a character’s hair was tripling the performance cost in the scene, so it would go back to character art so they could take away some of the hair cards. “Tough balance, quality versus cost”

“I wish all the characters could have beautiful strand hair”

For p-cap, a lot of the time they don’t want to be too prescriptive in terms of the direction that they’re giving the actors, as the actors know what they’re doing and have a lot of experience, so they give them vague instructions that they then riff off of

[sounded like DA4] They recently did a mocap shoot

[sounded like DA4] There’s a bit more productivity happening now in the pandemic situation; now that the animators are not all going to the capture lab in Vancouver in person for shoots, if it’s not their turn to direct a shot they can instead be working on something else on their computers (multi-tasking). ((Lead DA4 Producer Scylla Costa recently gave a talk at a games festival on the challenges of DA production during the pandemic. In part of this talk he talked about various benefits and drawbacks to the remote-working situation. He also talked about and showed some behind-the-scenes stuff for p-cap and mocap. Notes, images and link here))

[sounded like DA4] Special mocap suits were sent out that they can use with a laptop to go anywhere and shoot motion capture. It’s not as high fidelity as what comes out of the capture lab, but it’s really good for prototyping stuff. Before the pandemic they did some of this (going to a park and shooting some running around)

[sounded like DA4] In one of the shoots they had some actors who were really well-trained in dancing. They were trying to get them to do some combat stuff. This was a bit challenging in the pandemic situation as there’s only so much they can demonstrate/portray as an example to the actors from a distance on camera. “It’s hard to describe what a ‘dodge to attack’ is through the camera to somebody who has no idea what combat looks like in video games”

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] The pandemic has really affected performance capture for the face side of things badly, as in order to record, the actor gets dots painted on their face in specific locations by a makeup artist. They can’t do that right now because of social distancing/restrictions, so they haven’t been recording faces at the moment

The more detailed a face, the more joints it has, the more the cost to performance is

---

There was also the Writers’ Block panel, featuring DA writers Mary Kirby, Sheryl Chee and Patrick Weekes, and DA editor Karin Weekes. The timestamps for this segment are ~2:37:50 - 3:26:20. Some notes:

PW has never been weirder than when they were writing Cole on DAI

PW thinks that they accidentally wrote part of “Timber” by Kesha into Solas at one point and they were like “Well, okay, I have to stop listening to Kesha”

For Sheryl, after a while Blackwall’s VA always nailed doing his lines. She loved the quality of his voice and so after a while would always hear his voice while she was writing. This really worked out

^ Mary had this with Merrill. As soon as they cast Eve Myles she listened to several hours of her in Torchwood, and then just wrote to the way that she spoke as much as possible

^ PW had this with GDL as Solas and FPJ as Bull. As soon as they heard FPJ’s delivery, they were like “Oh, okay, I have to write some lines differently, because Bull is smarter than I realized”. With GDL they were like “Okay, he’s going to put poetry into anything I say, in the best way possible”. In early drafts of Solas lines there were parts where they [PW] wondered “Is this too melodramatic? Is this too tragically-angstful?” and then they would hear GDL and be like “Oh! [It’s fine] Game on!”

For localization, German words are often quite long so they often have to make sure that everything fits on the GUI

They think scenes like the romance scenes sound prettier in the Italian versions

Behind the curtain in creating the in-world languages: PW: “There are some awesome websites that have every elven word, like ‘Here are the translations and verb tenses and conjugations’ [etc], [...] and usually Mary and I get very sad slightly looking at those pages going like ‘Does that mean that we have to stick to that?’ [...] The rule is, if I’ve looked at the Wiki and the words, and I go ‘Here’s the correct grammatical way to do it’, and if that turns out to be too long or too many disconnected syllables and it just looks bad or sounds bad, then we shorten it to something simpler, because the key is we want to give the flavor of a foreign language, but we don’t have the world-building budget and capacity to make something that is going to be dictionary-real [in a way that] someone could go through and translate all the background things written on the old temple walls”. Part of the reason for this is the consideration for VAs, who already have to act while bearing lots of things in mind, like the cues in the script for each line

Mary: “For building a language, the first things that I started with for qunlat, elven and dwarven, was what words do we need to use the most? Greetings, farewells, words for friend and enemy, basic things that will come up easily in conversation. After that it’s ‘How difficult is this for other writers to use?’ Can they just pick it off the Wiki? Do they need just one word? Do they need to write whole sentences, and how does that work? Qunlat has almost no grammar to it because asking anyone to learn how to use Qunari grammar and conjugate verbs in a pretend language is impossible, and then once you’ve done that a human being has to be able to read it, while not knowing what any of it means”

PW: “One thing that I was really impressed with with Mary in particular doing, Mary was one of the big lore people across the entire DA series; I can look at a word and go like, ‘That has two A’s in a row, that’s definitely a Qunari word. That word is kind of long and maybe has some apostrophes and has a couple of flowy vowel sounds, that’s probably elven’, I think that’s what’s important. You want players to be able to look at a word, players want to feel smart, [like] ‘Oh I don’t know what that means but I totally know that’s a word from the Qunari people!’”. Mary: “Every language has its own set of phonemes, the sounds that they make, and the sort of word structure and spelling so that it gives a flavor to that language. Hopefully that is always chosen to be pronounceable, because again, very important that the words can be said by human beings :D”

Sheryl: “One of the fun things to do is to make up swear words in the fake languages [...] Recently Brianne wanted a word, I don’t know if she managed to find one”

The origin of bosh’tet in ME: it’s just saying “bastard” and slurring it

PW: “I feel like there are times when past writers kind of leave traps for future writers, where past writers will go ‘Okay, I’m going to write this detailed phrase in a codex entry but don’t worry, it doesn’t matter if it can never be said aloud, because it’ll never have to be voiced!’ and then, next game, guess what guys! Look what you have to make someone [a VA] say! And you’re like [facepalm], c’mon!”

Karin: “Now, four games in, we have pages and pages of all these examples, and I wanna say this, well that’s how we said something before, well that’s ridiculous, I don’t wanna say that, but now we’ve said it and it’s out there, so it’s like, how do we, y’know, how do we evolve, and sometimes we just go ‘Screw it! Languages are living languages! We’ll just say it like this now!’”

PW's favorite is the sarcastic Mythal’enaste, “Because it’s the sarcastic Mythal's blessing that basically means you’re getting screwed over somehow. I love it because Mythal nasty! Whoever wrote that clearly never thought that someone would have to say this out loud”

Sheryl wrote Bull’s joke icicles line. She also wrote Isabela’s big boats line - Jennifer took it out but then DG was like “No it has to come back”

They have a pun test, they get a few of them and have to allot them wisely so as not to oversaturate on the puns. “Is this good/bad enough to be one of the times that we pull the trigger? We did have one of those recently, I obviously can’t talk about it, but it was pronounced Okay to go ahead”

The ‘baby-est’ writer is Brianne, who’s been there 8 years

It makes PW sad that the players never get to see the writers’ temp-text [placeholder text when portions are a WIP]. “People have the best temp-text". Mary: “The number of conversations that I’ve temped in like ‘WELL. I hope nothing BAD happens HERE’”

Q. If you could bring in anybody from outside of gamedev, who would you like to work with and do a writer’s session with? PW: “I will say romance novelist Nora Roberts, she is really smart and also she knows how to write inside a genre, and do wonders within it. Her structure is so good. If you pick up one of her books, you know here’s when this is gonna happen, here’s when they’re gonna meet, here’s when this first moment will happen. We’re all experienced and I feel pretty good about that but I really like all of the things she does that way, and also I am a sucker for romance so I would love to bring a romance novelist in and just have them look at our scenes and go ‘Okay here, no, they should pull the tie so that the article of clothing comes open, we need a sense of how warm the skin is here’ - something like that. I’d wanna see what they could do with that”

“Luke writes the best worst lines”

“I’m always impressed with Mary getting away with lines. There are lines that I look at like, wow, you buried that one. [...] The only players who get that line, I feel like they earned it if they went that far into it. [...] And then Varric or Merrill says a ridiculous line in a one-time throwaway”

Karin: “The group dynamic, you’ll see conversations or snippets of a lunch chat or a thing we’ve been joking about and you’ll see it get pulled in, and how all of you [the writers] are able to take a normal kind of thing - as normal as we get as a group anyway - and then turn it into a moment, and use it to further the plot or use it to further a character. It’s just the cleverest thing and it happens in so many different ways. [...] The little snippet of life, then how you crafted it into this very cool thing”

Quartermaster Threnn was written by PW in half a day. “When I was writing Threnn, ‘Okay, this is a good-hearted [person], I was doing a little bit of Steel Magnolias, southern, no-nonsense, but like, blue collar Steel Magnolias’. This is someone accustomed to the ways of the world so she’s going to call a spade a spade. If you come up to her and you’re an elf she doesn’t recognize you and says ‘Buckets are over there’ because she thinks you’re there to clean, [but] ‘Anyone calls you a knife-ear you come to me I’ll take care of it’. It’s problematic but she’s trying - the good-hearted person rooted for the wrong group on every occasion. She was a proud Loghain supporter, she gets really exited if he comes to Skyhold. That was a fun character for me to write because I had a viewpoint in my mind. I remember someone was like ‘Threnn is really important to me’. And you have to honor that, cause you’re like ‘Cool, it means so much to me that this connected with some part of you’”

---

Also of interest was the Mass Affection panel, in which BioWare devs looked back in over a decade of history to remaster a classic. It featured devs who worked on MELE. The timestamps for this segment are ~3:36:09 - 4:24:37. Some notes:

When the pandemic hit the MELE team were in a relatively awkward spot. They were really entering into what they consider full production and were on-boarding a bunch of teams, as well as training and on-boarding third-party external partner specialized teams worldwide. When the pandemic hit, BioWare and EA were super on top of it. They were tracking it weeks beforehand, getting everyone their computers ready, and getting everything encrypted. When the middle of March 2020 hit they were home rightaway. EA were nothing but supportive throughout the entire thing. They got money every quarter for stuff. It functionally ‘hit’ at 4-6 different times for them as the pandemic occurred in different places throughout the world at different times depending on each country’s response plan (and their external partners were in different countries). “So it was one of those things where it was just like, every day we’d come in like can we still work with this company anymore? Do we need to find someone else? Do we need to pull people in off the other projects at BioWare to fill gaps here and there?”

There was a bug on Virmire at the part when you’re coming into the STG camp. If the Mako had its new boosters on and you came hurtling in really fast, it cut to the cutscene, but the Mako hit a jump and when Ash was like “What do we do now?” the Mako ended up literally flying around in the background sideways and then crashing into the camp

Another bug: when they were re-tuning the guns, the physics force on some of the guns with Hammerhead rounds was so high that when you were fighting some of the Thorian Creepers, you could ragdoll them so hard that you could basically embed them in the roof. They’d be moving so fast that they’d penetrate all the walls with their legs dangling out. It was so easy to do and you could do it to everybody. You could launch a geth halfway across an Uncharted World

Another bug: with Shepard’s casual appearance in ME3, if you didn’t have it set up perfectly correctly it would default to Grunt for some reason. You’d be walking around as Grunt, going on dates as Grunt, and your face would be all scrunched up because it was all mapped to human bones still, so it was just, like, Nightmare Fuel of Grunt

Another bug: in ME2 on Illium when trying to recruit Samara, the Asari enemies just would not stop screaming - regardless of whether they were hit or not, it was endless screaming. Later one of the devs got an audio file of the scream, endless and looped, and now one of the devs has it on their phone and uses it for their morning alarm tone

“Shepard would come up to characters and they’d just be screaming”

---

There was also the Programming Variables panel, talking about what hurdles game programmers face. Some [or all?] of the devs that were part of this panel are currently working on DA4. They talked a bit about their day-to-day work and about the craft of game dev programming in general. The timestamps for this segment are ~ 4:24:46 - 5:06:02.

[source]

[insights/notes from Gamers For Groceries 1]

[☕ found this post or blog interesting or useful? my ko-fi is here if you feel inclined. thank you 🙏]

#dragon age 4 #the dread wolf rises #da4 #dragon age #bioware #video games #long post #longpost #in case this is of interest to anyone #mass effect #anthem #covid mention #cole #spirit boy #solas #lul

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misskittyspuffy · 4 years ago

Text

To a better future (15x20, alternative ending)

[Takes place in 15x20, alternative ending]. When Dean and Sam find out that Chuck has manipulated them once more, they decide to take control of their lives again. (Dean/Cas, Sam/Eileen, Dean & Sam)

Note: Like many of us, I was truly hurt, angry and devastated after the finale, that was a huge slap in the face. I decided to wrote my own ending, the one I was sure we were getting (if the show had followed its narrative). Feedbacks are more than welcome ♥︎

Please note that English isn't my mother tongue, if you have any remark or spot mistakes, feel free to let me know! :) This is a translation of my fanfiction "À un meilleur avenir".

Ao3 link

Their saturday nights were usually made of binge-watching sessions in the Dean-cave. Beers and pop-corn were their driving force for the evening. They usually were sitting on the couch Dean had especially set up in front of the big screen. Some other nights, they were going to the movies —which they rarely did in the past.

But that evening, duty was going to prevail.

An empty warehouse, deserted thirty years ago, had some strange —their kind of strange— activity in the past few weeks and the eldest Winchester had decided that it was worth to take a look at what seemed to be a ghost case. Three rash people had died at the place and some survivors had reported violent attacks.

A year ago, they had regained their free will. As it turned out, Chuck hadn’t played his last card that day, near the lake. After turning him into a human —at least, that’s what they had thought— the Winchester brothers hadn’t realized that they just had been trapped in his last scenario.

To remove a threat, you need to make believe to your enemy that he has successfully beaten you. And that’s exactly what Chuck had done. He had made them believe they had won. And had largely benefited from it.

The trap had taken the form of an illusion that had led Dean to his death and Sam to the perfect family life he had once hoped for. There had been a shift in the way Sam was feeling though —when he had gotten married, when his son was born, he had felt that something was off, but he had never succeeded to put his finger on what.

Seven years had passed after Dean’s death when one morning, while Sam was off to his daily jog, he had found Jack on his porch, waiting for him. He was looking unusually worried, which had led the Winchester to believe that something very serious had happened. Little did he know, by this time, how much his life had been about to change. The Nephilim had then explained to him that he was about to break the divergent timeline Chuck had created and in which he had locked them in. The trick was ingenious, but Jack had been more clever. He had perceived a breach while moving from one world to another —he and Amara were rebuilding the parallel dimensions Chuck had meticulously destroyed, in order to preserve the Balance of the Universe.

It had taken a while for Sam to fully accept the idea that what had been his life for so long was a lie. The illusion created by the former God had become his new reality. Getting out of it was scary and had seemed impossible at first. He had spent hours contemplating the life he had built, watching the son that was born from his marriage —born from an illusion. But looking at him playing in their living room, he had felt very real. When he had called him “dad’’, handing him over a drawing he had just made of their perfect little family, his throat had tighten. In the next few days though, he had come to terms with the fact that Jack was right, and a deep feeling of gravity was now taking over. What was about to happen was probably one of the most painful things he ever had to experience. Losing what he thought was real did feel real, but intellectually, he knew something wasn’t right. It wasn’t who he was, it wasn’t his life.

As soon as Jack had told him about Chuck, about the fact that he still had his powers —to some extent— and had only conceded a part of them to him, including Amara, Sam had known he was telling the truth. Seven years ago in that barn, it wasn’t the ending Dean had deserved.

It wasn’t them back then, it wasn’t him right now. Their lives had been taken away from them.

He had finally put his finger on what felt wrong. Jack had then mentioned a certain Eileen, and at this moment, that name hadn’t even ring a bell. Donna, Jody, Charlie, Claire… So many people that Chuck had erased from their lives. People that were once family had become strangers. Sam had finally accepted Jack’s plan to restore his life and Dean’s life the way they were before everything went wrong. The bonds the youngest Winchester had formed in that illusion were left behind, and he knew it was a wound that wasn’t going to be easy to move on from. But he knew his brother didn’t deserve to die the way he did. It had been enough for him to find the courage to move forwards with Jack’s scheme to fix their lives.

The natural order of things was back in the space of a few minutes, thanks to Jack. He had brought Dean back on Earth, had given them back their memories and —in the process— had restored their real personalities. Sam was again the same age he was before they fought against Chuck. The fallout had been truly hard to accept, for both of the Winchesters. They had been screwed, big time. Dean had fallen on his knees, right in the middle of the Bunker, feeling more numb and devastated than ever. Only a few hours had passed for him when he was in the fake version of Heaven Chuck had created, but it had been too much already. He had received a call from Donna and Jody, who had felt the need to talk to him, after feeling like they had gone through a fever dream.

What a f*cking asshole, the eldest Winchester had yelled, while throwing his phone away.

He wasn’t as expressive as his brother, but Sam shared the same state of mind. He was still processing, especially considering what he had left behind, but now that everything was back the way it used to be, the seven years he had spent in that illusion of life felt like a blurry dream. They were now in control of their lives again.

Jack and Amara had been enough to overpower Chuck —for real this time. Using his idea of a lie, they had turned him into a real human being. He had quickly gotten a chance to learn that the Universe had a really strange sense of humor, and had died a few weeks later from an unknown disease.

One year later, on a saturday night, Dean was getting ready for his hunt. Standing in front of the Bunker’s table, he was putting away weapons in his bag, making sure that they hadn’t forgotten something that could be useful : the EMF meter, pouches of salt, guns… At some point, he frowned and rummaged at the bottom of the bag, and finally found a nunchaku.

“What the hell?!’’ he grumbled. “Damn it, Sam!’’

A man’s hand appeared next to his, adding a blade in the bag, which the Winchester opened a little more to give his partner a better access to it.

“You really like this one, don’t you?’’ he said with a smile.

Cas shrugged. “You’re the one who told me that I was going to have my favorites.’’

“Right,’’ he nodded.

The former angel was standing next to him, dressed in a leather jacket, wearing jeans and a red shirt, that completely detonated with his previous usual wardrobe. Dean was partly responsible for this new looks, he had dragged him to a few shops after Cas had came back human.

“You think it’ll be enough?’’ the blue eyed man asked.

The Winchester looked up and leaned on Cas, kissing him briefly on the lips. “Looks good to me.’’

A disapproving look appeared on the former angel’s face. “Dean.’’

Dean raised an eyebrow. “What?’’

“Did you really think I wouldn’t notice the grenade-launcher?’’ he sighed.

While he was speaking, Cas opened the bag again, pointing out the weapon in question.

“So what?’’ the Winchester said with an innocent look.

“Ghosts, Dean. We’re going to fight ghosts. The grenade-launcher’s usefulness will probably be close to nada.’’

“Oh yeah, because your blade is going to have so much effect on them,’’ Dean said in return in a teasing tone.

Looking a little bit offended, Cas squinted. If a look could kill…

“You being so cute when you’re mad really should be a crime,’’ Dean said with an affectionate expression on his face.

The former angel was standing still and Dean kissed him again on the lips before grabbing his hand and leading them to the Bunker’s stairs, making him follow his steps. “Let’s go, you can still sulk in the car,’’ he said in an amused tone.

Sam appeared in the hall, coming from the corridor. “Hey,’’ he said to the couple. An intrigued look appeared on his face. “What are you up to?’’

Dean and Cas exchanged a look.

“Nothing big, a haunted place. You know, the usual stuff,’’ the eldest Winchester shrugged.

Sam frowned. “You got a serious lead on that?’’

“Yeah, three deaths. We’re going to take a look.’’

“If you give me a minute, I could—’’

“No,’’ Dean interrupted him firmly. “You and Eileen got plans for tonight. Go. Watch your dancers in tights, or whatever, we’ll take care of the dead.’’

Sam rolled his eyes. “Really, Dean? That’s all you’re taking away from ballets? Dancers in tights?’’

“Never saw one, but I’m fine with it,’’ he answered with a half smile.

Cas grabbed his boyfriend’s arm, pushing them in the direction of the stairs. “Don’t pay attention to him Sam,’’ he said midly-amused, midly-exasperated. “Dean is right, we’re taking care of it. Enjoy your night,’’ he ended with a smile.

While they were leaving, Sam realized his nunchaku was in the trash. “DEAN!!!’’

***

What was supposed to be a classic hunt turned out to be more challenging that what they were expecting. A demon also occupied the Warehouse, and a second one had appeared during the fight. Cas’ blade ended up being useful. After killing one of them, he was projected on a bunch of cardboards. Dean killed the other one, and once it was over, he ran in the direction of the former angel, worried.

“Cas, you’re okay?’’

“I’m fine,’’ he answered while breathing heavily. He grabbed the hand Dean was giving him. “I didn’t expect this turn of events.’’

“Yeah, two little surprises that weren’t on the program,’’ Dean said, looking down at the corpses. “You’re sure you’re okay?’’ he asked again, sliding his hand along Cas’ arm.

Cas nodded and kissed him on the cheek, near the corner of his mouth. “Don’t worry that much for me. I can handle myself. You’re human too… and you’re still here.’’

“I’ve been human a lil’ bit longer than you have,’’ Dean said. “I got my fair amount of injuries before properly kicking ass, you know. Takes time.’’

“Our training helped me to improve.’’

“Good, that’s what it was meant for,’’ he said firmly.

Dean started remembering their first trainings and what had led them to this situation. Which reminded him how things went the year before, after they had gotten back on their reality.

Flashback - A year ago

After learning that Chuck had manipulated them once more, Dean had locked himself into his bedroom, on the edge of breaking everything that was in it. The person he used to be probably would have done it at this point. But Cas’ words still resonated with him. Love was the force driving his actions, he wasn’t made of hate or violence, and he wanted it to be the thing that would prevail from now on. He had every intention to honor that.

Once he had hugged his brother and catched up with him about the recent events, Sam had left the Bunker to meet Eileen, who he had been talking to for the past hour. They both had felt the need to see each other, considering how things had gone since the last time they had interacted, the day she disappeared. With Sam away, Dean had taken the opportunity to do what he knew his little brother would probably have dissuade him to try. He had went to see Jack, who hadn’t left the Bunker yet. The young man was quietly sitting in the library when the eldest Winchester approached him, a determined look on his face.

“Can you open a breach to the Empty? Do you have that power?’’

“I know what you’re thinking,’’ Jack said, slowly closing the book he had in his hands. “I was expecting you to ask me that. Can I do it? Sure. But… the actual state of things with the Empty is not stable enough yet. I’m… negotiating with her.’’

“I have to do it, you know I can’t let him over there,’’ he ended with a trembling voice despite himself. “I’m not asking you to bring him back for me, I know it might not be possible right now, this is something I have to do by myself. I’m just asking for a little boost.’’

Jack quietly nodded. “You think you can win this? That you’ll have something to offer that the Empty will be interested in?’’

“Let me handle this part,’’ the Winchester replied.

A beat.

“So? The breach?’’ he asked again, looking impatient. He had tried to cover it, but his voice had came out as a little supplication.

“Of course. It’s Cas.’’

Dean’s throat tightened and he had a sudden difficulty to swallow. “Yeah… exactly. It’s Cas.’’

“But if things go wrong… I don’t know if I’ll be able to step in. There is a new balance, I’m not the only one ruling on the Universe, and I have no power over the Empty. That’s why I didn’t have a chance to bring Cas back myself.’’

The Winchester nodded, nothing would make him change his mind.

A few minutes later, the breach was open. A dark circle had taken place on the Bunker’s wall, undulating and growing second after second, the same way it had the day it came to collect Cas. Dean took an inspiration and with no hesitation, threw himself into it.

“Good luck,’’ Jack said once the Winchester had disappeared.

A smile took place at the corner of his mouth.

He knew everything was going to unfold the way Dean had planned it.

***

The Empty was a vast place, it really was doing justice to its name. The darkness was the only thing Dean could contemplate, with no beginning nor end in sight. He wasn’t even sure that he could actually see anything beyond fifteen or twenty feet. He was destabilized at first, didn’t know where to start, turning around and contemplating the void, trying to find any form of activity, a sign of Cas’ presence. Unsure of the direction he was supposed to take, he blindly started to walk around, and did the only logical thing he could do at this moment. He called Cas’ name. Once, twice, ten times, twenty times, fifty times —but for a moment, silence was the only answer he had gotten. He shout out his name until the Empty finally appeared right before him as Meg.

“Cas! Cas!’’ she said in a mocking voice. “WILL YOU SHUT UP??!!!’’

Dean took a few seconds to adjust to his new interlocutor, on his guards.

His jaw clenched. “Where is he?’’ he asked firmly. He wasn’t there to negotiate.

“You’re here to get your sweet little angel back, that’s cute… but not enough. Your weapon will have no effect on me,’’ she said while pointing out the blade he held in his left hand.

The Winchester looked briefly in the same direction and tighten his grip on the blade even harder. “It’s not for you.’’

The Empty looked intrigued. “Really?’’

“Where is he?!’’ he asked again.

She sighed while crossing her legs, sitting on her throne. “Somewhere… between here and there… I saved him a seat at my best spot.’’

A creepy smile distorted her face and she raised a knowing eyebrow in Dean’s direction. Cas’ treatment was probably one of the most painful she could inflict to someone. At this mere thought, the Winchester started to feel sick in his stomach. How long Cas had been here? How many days, months, years maybe had he been stuck in this place while him and Sam were living the scenario Chuck had planned for them?

The Empty hadn’t seen it coming —to be honest, Dean hadn’t either— but in the second that had followed, he had thrown himself to her and gave her a powerful punch in the face, that destabilized her for a second. She sent him away from a movement of her hand, he landed harshly on the ground. Dean got up pretty quickly, but the rage hadn’t left his face, his eyes were still dark and fixated on the Empty.

“WHERE THE HELL IS HE??!’’

“You and your angelic boyfriend are really insufferable,’’ she said furious, matching his own tone. “You wanna know where he is? He’s reliving his worst torments on loop. In which you’ve done many cameos, actually,’’ she added amused. “I’m not gonna pretend I’m not enjoying watching him suffer. Because I do.’’

Dean clenched his jaw. “One last time, tell me where he is or I swear I’m g-’’

“You’re gonna what? Yell at me to death?’’ she said mockingly. “You can do nothing against me.’’

“Maybe. But I can get quite inventive, I’ll be the biggest pain in your ass. You like quietness? I can promise you you’ll never find peace again. I’m human, you have no power over me.’’

The Empty’s face suddenly fell.

“Tell me where he is,’’ Dean said, once more.

She looked contemplative for a few seconds and a sigh escaped her lips. “Good luck, Dean. But remember… no matter what you do, Castiel is mine.’’

With a snap of her fingers, she teleported him to Cas. Dean landed harshly on the floor of a cold room, only to find himself surrounded by four walls. There was no door, no way to escape. The place was dark and he had a hard time seeing where he was, but after adjusting his vision to the place, he discerned the presence of Cas, who was lying down, facing the floor, unconscious. He wasn’t physically hurt, but the pain on his face was very telling about the hell he was emotionally experiencing in whatever the Empty was putting him through in his nightmares. His face looked worried and scared.

Dean kneeled next to him, hanging the blade at his belt. He turned him on his back and tried to wake him up, putting a hand on his face.

“Cas! Hey, Cas! Wake up. I need you to wake up.’’

It took a little while, but after insistance, Dean finally succeeded to bring him back to conscientiousness. Cas had a hard time keeping his eyes open.

“Dean?’’ the angel finally said in a husky voice. He wasn’t sure if he was truly awake or if dream and reality had just got mixed up again.

“It’s me,’’ he said. “Hey, hey, stay with me, okay?’’ he added when he saw that Cas was falling out again. He tried to keep him in a sitting position.

“You’re not real.’’

“I am. I promise you. I’m sorry it took me so long…’’ His voice broke. He kept the angel’s face between his hands, looking deep into his eyes, trying to convince him it was really him. “I’m gonna get you out, okay?’’

Cas seemed lost. “Where are we?’’

“The Empty. You sacrificed your life to save me, remember?’’

A beat. Cas’ eyes seemed to focus and find a semblance of consistency. “I remember.’’ His face fell. “Dean… what are you doing here?’’ he said in a worried voice.

The Winchester was baffled. “You really thought I was going to leave you rot here?’’ His throat tightened. “You saved me, Cas. More than once. You really thought I wasn’t going to look for you?’’

Cas frowned. “You might not be able to leave this place.’’

“Oh believe me, I will. We will. You’re coming with me.’’

The angel shaked his head. “I can’t, Dean, the deal…’’

Dean stopped him. “The deal doesn’t matter anymore. I have a solution.’’

He took the blade at his belt and showed it to the angel, who seemed lost in return. He didn’t understand.

“But… you have to agree with my plan,’’ he added, nervous.

“What do you mean?’’

“The Empty can only hold angels and demons. If you’re human, she won’t have any hold on you.’’ He pointed out the flask that was attached to his necklace. “If we extract your grace, if you become human… you’ll be able to come home with me.’’

Dean was anxious, he didn’t know how Cas was going to react to his proposal.

“Do you agree with this plan?’’ Dean asked hesitant.

The angel nodded, still feeling groggy. “Of course.’’

“Awesome,’’ Dean said, relieved. “Look, I don’t know what the Empty is up to, we should hurry up, okay? You’re ready?’’

As a sign of agreement, Cas extended his neck, giving free access to Dean. After a short hesitation, the Winchester cut him a little with the blade, placing the flask near the incision. The process started and only took a few seconds. The blue light, glittering, started its transfer to the container, making the angel feel suddenly weaker.

“YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT!!’’

The Empty, still wearing Meg’s traits, had just appeared next to them. Furious.

“Castiel is mine, you had no right!’’

“We did actually, and we took it,’’ Dean answered in a defiant voice, while helping Cas to get up. “He’s human now, he doesn’t belong to you anymore.’’

She was about to throw herself at them but the portal leading to their world appeared again on the wall of the room they were in. Dean put Cas’ arm around his neck and led them to the breach, which they quickly got aspired by. In the next second, they were on the Bunker’s floor, catching their breath.

“Excellent timing, kiddo,’’ Dean said to Jack while getting on his feet.

He promptly ran to Cas’ side, helping him to stand. He was noticeably weakened, but seemed to be okay.

“How are you holding up?’’ he asked to the former angel, his full attention on him.

Cas leaned a little on him. “I think I’ll be fine,’’ he assured. Cas then realized who was standing next to the table. Jack. He fixated his look on him with a questioning look and the young man finally ran to his father and took him into his arms. “I missed you, Cas.’’

“How long… how long was I gone?’’ he asked while they were breaking the hug.

Dean and Jack looked at each other, uncertain. The timeline had been changed, distorted, rebuilt. What had represented a few days for Dean had been seven years for Sam. And they didn’t even know how it was for Cas. It was a difficult question to answer.

“We should save this for later…’’ Dean said, with a tap on his shoulder. “Let’s take care of you first.’’

***

Ten days had passed and things were back to the way they used to be. Not everything was the same, of course, but their life had now found a semblance of normalcy again. Dean had rearranged everything in Cas’ bedroom, to adjust and adapt the place to his new needs. He had given him some of his clothes and they had gone shopping to complete his wardrobe.

Cas was feeling way better and, like he once had to do, was now adjusting to his new life as a human, rediscovering the pleasure of eating food that didn’t taste like molecules.

Things with Dean had slowly changed during the course of the last few days. At first, they had been all focused on his new condition, helping him to find a new balance, but now that things were pretty much coming back to what they were, the dynamic between the hunter and the former angel had slowly became awkward and a strange tension had taken place between them. Not that they were avoiding each other, far from it, but they were walking on eggshells —even Sam had noticed it. Cas was particularly cautious about the way he was acting around Dean. After his confession, which they had never talked about since he had came back, he was very attentive to not causing any discomfort.

Little did he know about the inner battle that was currently raging in the eldest Winchester’s mind —battle he had lost many times in the past few days, actually. Hesitation, fear of doing everything wrong, of the unknown, of giving his life a new turn, of experiencing his feelings in a way he never had before… all of this was holding him back. The love thing wasn’t something Dean was comfortable with. Not because he didn’t felt it —he felt it too much actually— but he had never been good at expressing it. He was good at pretending things didn’t affect him, his nonchalance was preserving him. But Cas’ confession had changed everything, had made every single wall he had built around his heart shiver. He had been aware of his feelings for the angel for quite a while now, years even. He had slowly realized that there was nothing brotherly about the way he was feeling about him. Their relationship had always been quite unique.

Every time he had lost him, Dean had known. The deepness of the hurt had been beyond reparable. When he had offered him that mixtape, shortly after he had almost died a few years ago, it had been his way of expressing it, even if he knew the angel wasn’t going to understand the true meaning of such a gift. He knew it was the love language that had made his parents fall in love, and in some kind of way, it had been the language he had chosen to use.

But he was tired of being silent. Tired of not being who he was. Of not following his heart.

He had no reason to hide anymore. He couldn’t pretend Cas didn’t feel the same way. All his life, he had been solely focused on Sam’s happiness, because that was all what mattered. He wished for him to have the perfect life he had always wanted. Who would have guessed that one day, Dean Winchester would start thinking about his own happiness, would believe that he might actually deserve it too. Better days were coming. They were now free, a world of new possibilities was opening to them. Maybe, just maybe, he actually deserved something different than the life made of sacrifices he had always imagined for himself.

It hadn’t taken that long for things to take a new turn. Cas had decided to come to his first hunt as a human, which had immediately activated in Dean his protective mode. The Winchester had tried to stay as chill as he could, but he had stay right beside him, not letting him out of his sight. Once they had been back from their mission, the former angel had complained about it, telling him that he did not want to be a burden for him, which had led to a grumpy answer from the hunter.

When Dean had come to his door that night, to make sure Cas’ wound after their hunt didn’t need more care, their conversation had derailed incredibly fast.

Cas had been shaking his head, not breaking eye contact with the Winchester. “You should stop worrying that much about me, Dean.’’

A beat.

He had then given him an earnest answer. “Can’t. Won’t.’’

They had stayed silent for a moment, staring at each other from opposite sides of the room. Dean had felt his hands become sweaty, his breath racing. He had taken a new step inside the room, had closed the door behind him. He was now standing near the entrance, his eyes fixated on Cas, who was next to his bed. The silence of the room was only troubled by the sound of their respective breath, which added some kind of weight to the moment.

“I’ll never stop worrying about you…’’ Dean said with a new intensity, tilting his head on the side.

He had taken a new step towards the former angel, hesitant. His eyes had been fixated on the floor for a moment, before he had brought them back on him.

“Cas…’’

He had shaken his head, opened his mouth like if he was about to say something, about to speak his own truth, but no words had come. So he had decided to do the only thing he knew how to do: let his actions speak for him.

Once he had reduced the distance between them, Cas’ heartbeat had incredibly increased. He hadn’t dare to hope. Never. But… what if? In the spare of a few seconds, he had gotten his answer. Dean’s face had come really close to his own, his green eyes never breaking the contact with his blue ones. There was so much left unsaid, but right now, he needed to show him how he felt. He had leaned closer to him, closed his eyes and their lips had finally met. Shyly at first, but when they had realized how good it felt, how it was everything they had needed, they had reinforced their embrace. There was no hesitation left. The Winchester’s hands had cupped Cas’ face, while the former angel had wrapped his arms around him. When they had first broke the kiss, their faces remaining close, a silent tear was running through Cas’ cheek.

“I love you too, Cas,’’ Dean finally succeeded to say, like if he was reprising their conversation from weeks before. Tears were flooding his eyes and he was shaking. “We… never talked about it, since you came back. I never got a chance to thank you for… everything. Absolutely everything, Cas. Things went so fast back then. But I want you to know how much I love you. I have for years, actually. Everything you are… and I always miss you, so much. But I never thought… I never thought we could have this. And I’m sorry, so sorry, that it took me so long to say it.’’

Cas’ throat had tightened. He had been physically incapable of saying anything in return. It was all he had ever wanted, but had convinced himself he would never get. He didn’t think he would deserve it. He had taken the initiative of the second kiss, which had started as tenderly as the previous one and led them to explore a physical and emotional intimacy neither of them had known before.

From this day, every piece of the puzzle had started to fall in place. Their life had taken a new turn —but this time, it was one they had chosen.

Present day

Dean had just parked the Impala at a gas station. Once he had turned off the motor, he had rotated his body to face Cas’, who was sitting next to him and was consulting his phone.

“Claire and Kaia are coming by on friday,’’ he said, meeting the Winchester’s eyes.

“It’s her birthday, isn’t it?’’

Cas nodded.

“We should get her something,’’ Dean suggested.

“I’m gonna need your help,’’ the former angel said, a hint of panic on his face.

The Winchester winked at him. “Don’t worry, I got an idea of something she might like. She loves music, right?’’

Cas sighed. “Yes, she… tried to make me listen to some of it, actually. It was… quite an experience.’’

Dean bursted into laugher when he remembered the day he had found Cas listening to The Pretty Reckless.

Since the day he had become human, Cas and Claire had been more in contact than ever. They had talked on the phone and had met each other a couple of times. Claire was still living with Jody and Donna, but along with Kaia, they were now doing things their way. The young blonde was pretty invested into the hunting life, a choice Jody and Cas weren’t sure they were approving. But she wasn’t taking no for an answer and the only thing they could do was let her make her own experience. Everyone could see that Kaia had a good influence on her, though.

“At least, we don’t have that kind of issue with Jack,’’ the Winchester said. “Well, when he comes by,’’ he then muttered to himself.

The former angel agreed. “I understand his questionings way better.’’

“A Nephilim who became our new God and now juggles with multi-dimensions and handles existential kind of stakes… Yeah, makes sense for you,’’ Dean said with tenderness in his voice.

A half smile appeared on the former angel’s lips and he shrugged. “I’m a few millions years old, Dean. I mean, I was.’’

“And you’re really not doing bad,’’ he added, taking his hand in his. “You’re doing a lot of good, actually.’’ Cas tightened his squeeze, intertwined their fingers.

Adjusting to life as a human being had been a whole new challenge, Cas was still processing and learning, even though he wasn’t a stranger to this. But with the help of Dean, Sam and Eileen, he was getting more and more comfortable and used to it. A month and a half after he had returned from the Empty, he had decided to seek for a way to help and be active in this new stage of the world. He had joined social workers in a shelter and had offered his help for the place five times a week for the past months. He had gotten very invested, and Dean had joined him more than once, especially when some supernatural events had collide with the work they were doing there.

“Offering guidance and protection to these kids seemed more appropriate than spending days in bed watching Netflix with you… even though I really enjoy Netflix,’’ he ended with humor in his voice.

Dean raised an eyebrow, midly-offended. “What about being in bed with me?’’

The former angel rolled his eyes, accentuating his grasp on the Winchester’s hand. “Like if you didn’t already know that I enjoy that part.’’

An amused smile appeared on Dean’s lips, before he became serious again, looking at Cas lovingly. “We did a lot of good lately, you and I…’’

They stared silently at each other for a few seconds, lost in each other’s eyes. Cas got closer and leaned into Dean to kiss him slowly. “We did.’’

***

When they arrived at the Bunker, they saw that Eileen and Sam had returned from their night out. They were now comfortably sitting on one of the couches that were in the main room and were both looking at the youngest Winchester’s screen, laughing at what they were watching.

Dean and Cas came down the stairs and walked in their direction.

“So, how was it?’’ the eldest Winchester asked in a skeptical voice, while putting his bag on the table.

“Amazing,’’ Sam said with an emphasis. “I know what to get you for your next birthday.’’

Dean’s face fell. “Sam, if you drag me to one of your ballet things, I’ll never talk to you again, capiche?’’

The youngest Winchester shrugged, side-eyeing the former angel. “Maybe Cas wants to see one.’’

“Ha! Doubt it,’’ Dean said in a pretty confident voice.

“Well…’’ Cas seemed to seriously consider the option. “Why not.’’

“What?’’ Dean said incredulous, looking at his boyfriend with a look of betrayal. “Really?’’

“Life is short,’’ Cas said with a shrug. “There is a lot of different forms of art, I don’t want to limit myself to only a few of them.’’ He smiled and teasingly nudged Dean, who looked disappointed.

“You should consider it,’’ Eileen added, laughing a little. “We made pop-corn, do you want some?’’ she then signed, pointing them the bowl that was on the table. The moment she said it, she realized it had gone empty. “I’m gonna get us some more,’’ she added.

“I’m coming with you,’’ Cas signed.

He put his jacket on one of the chairs and while talking about his and Dean’s last hunt to the young woman, they left the room together. The eldest Winchester and the former angel had taken some sign language classes online, adding that learning to their almost daily practice, allowing the efforts to be split in two during conversations.

Dean watched them leave, looking contemplative for a few seconds, and then came to sit next to his brother, after grabbing one of the beers that was on the table.

“No bad surprises? During your hunt?’’

The eldest Winchester was lost in his thoughts and he took a moment before answering. “Two demons, who came out of nowhere. But we got rid of them pretty easily. They were the ones responsible for the attacks and murders. The ghosts were harmless…’’

“They’re gone too?’’

“Yup, we did what we had to do.’’

“Awesome, I’m gonna put the informations on the app.’’

“Don’t worry about it, Cas did it on our way home,’’ he said while patting his brother’s leg.

“Good. Hey, did you know that the app had now spread in Europe and Australia?’’ Sam said while showing him the screen of his computer. “Charlie took care of everything.’’

Dean smiled proudly. “They would have been stupid not to do it. It’s a genius idea that you had.’’

As soon as they had found their free will again, Sam had spent months thinking about what was going to be his next step. With the exception of his relationship with Eileen, which was the only thing he was pretty much confident about, the possibilities about his future, especially in terms of career, were very uncertain. The life he had in Chuck’s ending was now a fuzzy memory, but it had led him to question his ambition.

After hesitating, he had decided to follow his gut and pursue his will to become a teacher. Law school was his past self’s dream and after years of fighting, he had realized that he wanted to pass on his knowledge and connect with other people. At the same time, he had developed an app with the help of Charlie, that was reuniting hunters in the same virtual place and allowing them to share precious informations about their hunts, the supernatural spots, informations and datas about the creatures they had fought, the places and dates of their hunts. Every case that was solved was signaled as such on the app.

It was a worldwide and virtual version of John Winchester’s journal, that had allowed him to unite thousands of hunters through the world and had facilitated the fight against ghosts, demons and other creatures. Sam had invested a lot of time in the making of the app, which was now the biggest database that ever existed on the subject. Rowena, as the Queen of Hell, had a better control over the demons than it was the case by the past, but many of them were still off her authority.

Watching his little brother be so invested in his new missions had made Dean very proud.

“You’re doing great, Sammy,’’ he said while looking at his brother. “The way you handled this whole thing… you made a difference.’’

He raised his beer in Sam’s direction.

“I don’t know if you realize it, but you’re not doing so bad either,’’ Sam said after a few seconds of silence.

Dean shrugged. “Doing my best.’’

“The bar is practically yours, Dean. There’s only some paperwork left, it’s a done deal.’’

For the past month, the eldest Winchester had started to see his dream of possessing his own bar slowing become a reality. They had found it during one of their hunts in Lebanon, with Cas, Sam and Eileen. It was well located but the place had been haunted for years and the previous owners had much trouble selling it. In exchange for the Team Free Will’s services, they had offered to sell it to Dean at a very interesting price.

“I guess,’’ Dean said with a proud little smile

“And Cas…’’ Sam added gently. “You seem to be doing great together. After all these years… you deserve it.’’ He tried not to push too much, knowing how bashful his big brother could get on this kind of topics.

Dean was looking at his hands, but his face had clearly brightened up. He nodded. “From day one, he changed everything for me.’’

Sam smiled. “Who would have believed it.’’

“All those years ago, I wouldn’t have seen us coming this far.’’

“Clearly, me neither…’’

The youngest Winchester was hesitant for a second, looking nervously in the direction of the framing of the door Eileen and Cas had went through.

“You know… I’m gonna propose to her,’’ he finally said.

Dean’s eyes went wide open, even though he wasn’t exactly surprised, knowing his brother.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now… I’m confident that what we have is what I’ve been looking for my whole life. Everything just… clicks, when I’m with her. I didn’t think it would happen again, after Jess.’’

Dean bowed his head for a second, smiling.

“You’re… you’re not going to cry, right?’’

“What?! Me? NO!’’ Dean replied in a defensive voice. He took a new sip on his beer, trying to hold it together. “I’m just very happy for you, Sammy.’’

He took his little brother in his arms, gently patting him on the back.

“Are you scared?’’ he asked once they ended the hug.

The youngest Winchester sighed. “A little… I mean, I’m not really afraid that she would say no, even if this is a possibility, of course. But, I trust what we have and I know she’s sharing my dream of building our own family.’’

Dean looked confused. “What scares you then?’’

“Well… the last time I thought about marriage, it was with Jessica… and I lost her. In the worst possible way.’’

“Our lives went pretty well since the day we defeated Chuck.’’

“I know, but… a part of me is still afraid that everything is going to be taken away from me, you know? We lost so much since our childhood, I’m just… not yet used to things being so simple. I don’t know if that makes sense?’’ he said, looking at his brother.

Dean slowly nodded, with an understanding look. “It does. I woke up more than once in the middle of the night just to make sure Cas was still lying down next to me…’’

“We had our share of traumas and losses…’’ Sam sighed, taking the beer he had left on the floor. “To a better future,’’ he finally said, raising his bottle for a toast.

“To a better future.’’

THE END

#Destiel #DeanCas #Saileen #Sam x Eileen #Dean x Castiel #Supernatural #SPN 15x20 #SPN fanfictions #Fix-it fics #My fanfictions #To a better future

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rwdestuffs · 4 years ago

Text

I need to vent a bit right now, so forgive me if I go a bit… defensive of the show and its characters… Like all the stans I tend to make fun of.

Recently, Soku dropped this and vagued about a “rwde poster” who was defending Yang and Salem.

Now, I know he’s talking about me. I’m literally the only person who defends Salem in any capacity. Like I said before, in a setting where names are significant to a character (ie: Pyrrha = “Pyrrhic victory”), Salem being named after the period in time where women were falsely accused of crimes is significant. Which is why I tend to lean towards defending her, and bashing the nameless gods who pretty much decided to not give advice, and decided to act like entitled douchebags who treated humanity like a science experiment that they could scrap at any time. Humanity was sentient, and they wiped them out because they couldn’t handle one person being uppity. Seems to me that they were being spoiled brats about the whole thing more than Salem was about Oz’s death. If you’re not willing to fight god for the people you love, then you didn’t really love them in the first place (Looking at you, Abraham).

Now, should Salem had shown more remorse for what happened during the fight?- Absolutely. But the way that she’s being treated right now is that she’s irredeemable. She’s a total monster who can’t handle loss, and was terrorizing people. Last I checked, she was bumming around in her cabin until Light God was all “I know I had this whole thing about balance that I ignored when my brother and I wiped out humanity 1.0, but I’m bringing you back so that you and your ex-wife can fight for my amusement. Try to unite humanity, or else you’ll all get wiped out again!”

For a bunch of supposedly omnipotent gods, they seem to need Oz to solve all their problems… Well… Mainly Light God, but that’s beside the point.

Like… Maybe it’s because I have my own issues where I want Salem to adopt me, and I was also spoiled by fanfics that made her sympathetic and also the ones that outright made her irredeemable in a more blatant sense, but I can’t hate Salem. It’s just not for me. Like… Sokumotanaka claims that Salem could have broken out at any time with her own power.

Okay. Then why didn’t Blake beat up Adam before Volume 5? Why didn’t any of the abuse victims beat up their abusers prior to the show?

Answer: Emotional Manipulation. They get gaslit into thinking that they’re weak. Now, obviously, this should have been shown in the flashback that the writers decided should only last one episode because they think that the audience hates backstories… Because they’re idiots who don’t actually listen to feedback, but they decided to put it in supplementary material. More on that in this video.

Now, onto Yang.

Now look: I’ve said this before. Yang is pretty much the only reason I still watch the show. I recall being pretty miffed about her being stiffed on screentime back in Volume 4, and being very upset and vocal about her being written inconsistently.

But the bar? It has to be a “wretched hive of scum and villainy” at all times for it to be considered a criminal hotspot? I really don’t want to use this card, but… Ever hear of a front? It’s a front so that they can do their shady dealings in the background. Junior’s sure as hell not going to sell out his customers! Now, it could be inferred that he is in fact, telling the truth, and that he genuinely didn’t know any of that. And yes, Yang endangering the patrons should have been a point that should have been brought up in Volume 3. Does anyone have a count for how many posts I’ve made about how that should have been a thing?- I genuinely want to know.

So really, treating me as if I’m blindly defending Yang is honestly flawed at best. And deliberately blind at worst. If Yang, or any of these characters are supposed to be “perfect” as Soku seems to imply that they should be, then the characters would be boring. There would be no flaws. Now admittedly, they really should be treated as flaws that they should overcome. But people aren’t just going to solve all of their problems. Show me a man who has made no wrong, and I’ll show you a man who has accomplished nothing. These characters are always going to have flaws to them, and while it would be nice to have the show actually acknowledge them as flaws, one has to accept that.

This is all on bad writing, and really… I think those anons that I had to deal with from before burned me out on resenting the show. This show is improving in a sense, but it ignores past transgressions that made it hard to watch back then. It’s only in the recent episode (8:4), that any past transgression was called out on… And it was Miles’ pet.

So excuse me for having opinions conflicting with yours because I focus on other details that you don’t! There are details that you focus on that I don’t. I’m not here to blindly hate the show. I’m here to try to provide an introspection on the show, what mistakes were made, how it can improve, and to provide a source of something that other people can come to for gripes, questions, or opinions.

And really… You’re a coward for vaguing about me in the first place Sokumotanaka. You could have called me out or contacted me directly, and we could have had a calm discussion about this. But instead, you comment in such a way that makes it hard to actually reply to you, and then you go on and vague about me doing things like… Having a take about Salem that you disagree with. Or defending Yang’s choices. I’m not saying that these are good choices, but if you want a perfect character that does no wrong… Then we’d be talking about the show for far different reasons. Pyrrha was the perfect character who did no wrong. And outside of her brash decisions to follow through on Oz’s ultimatum and her not turning Jaune in for forging his way in, what character flaws can you really name about her?

Pyrrha was boring. The most notable thing about her was that she was a good fighter (which didn’t matter since that applied to all the characters except Jaune at the time), and that she was attracted to Jaune of all people. And she was an attractive young woman, but outside of that, there was nothing to Pyrrha. She was a boring character. If Yang was as perfect as you seem to want her to be (I assume, considering your weird resentment of her for daring to have flaws), then we wouldn’t be talking about her being “Bad.” We’d be talking about her being boring. Same with Blake. If Blake was a flawless character who spouted everything right about how to combat oppression, then we wouldn’t be talking about her. If Weiss was actually genuine about wanting to end her company’s racism from the very start, and never had to learn a lesson on not being racist (that for some stupid as fuck reason happened OFF-SCREEN), then we wouldn’t be talking about her. Same with… all the characters.

We don’t talk about perfect characters because they’re boring. And I can’t believe I have to actually defend the writing choices here.

I’m trying to see this from an introspective point of view. Not one where the characters should make all the right decisions. Mistakes are how people and characters grow.

Now if the characters grow, is another question altogether. But given that the show is improving (even if only marginally), then there is some level of hope.

People can link this to Sokumotanaka or @ him. I don’t care. I’m tired, and I wrote this at like… 3 in the morning. This was all just to vent about some stuff that I’m tired of seeing.

So, maybe it’s because HBomb’s video raised my hopes and made me actively start looking for the good in this volume, or maybe it’s because I’ve burned out my resentment, or maybe it’s because I’m taking the table scraps of improvement that this show is giving me, but I’m finding myself liking this volume. It still has its flaws, even when it’s so early into the volume, but it’s actually looking good.

Now if only they could have improved earlier… Maybe then, this blog wouldn’t be as active as it is right now…

But anyways, vent over. I’m tired. And I want to sleep. Fucking hell… It’s 3:40 am…

#does this count as rwde?#does this count as rwby?

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kamihoshi · 6 years ago

Link

Sakura and their assistant (and fellow mangaka) Risapaso were interviewed together for Creator’s Voice by Rikiya Kurimata. I don’t think Sakura’s ever done an interview so this was a surprise. Sakura talks a bit about aiming to become a mangaka and all things Yugami.

As this is a Yugami-centric blog, I’m only going to translate the questions and answers related to either the series or Sakura.

Apologies for any mistakes made (there are bound to be some), they are not my intent.

(Note: The interviewer’s name is listed as his nickname 仕掛け番長 but screw it, I’m just gonna call him by his real name. And since I have no idea what gender either Sakura or Risapaso are I’m just gonna use “they” as the pronoun.)

Jun Sakura ✖ Risapaso Interview: Connected by Yugami-kun

A love of drawing since childhood

Rikiya Kurimata: Alright, first question, what made each of you decide you wanted to become a mangaka? Sakura-sensei, you can start, if you please.

Jun Sakura: There wasn’t a particular event that made me want to do it but I’ve liked drawing ever since kindergarten. That never changed and in elementary school, I’d draw manga all over my notebooks.

RK: You were drawing original stuff from the start?!

JS: It was nothing that spectacular, just stuff like copying Doraemon. I remember doing the same with other manga I liked in my later years of elementary school.

RK: Did you like making your own stories back then?

JS: ............Probably, I guess?

RK: That was a long pause (laughs).

RK: What was it like when you were aiming to become a mangaka?

JS: I worked a side job in my hometown at the time. I’d get home from work dead tired and fall asleep before even drawing manga (laughs). After saving up some money from working, I quit my job and started working as an assistant for a mangaka who was publishing in a monthly magazine in my area. As a monthly assistant, you really need to have another job or else you don’t have many days where you’re actually working, so my living expenses were tight at the time but I figured I’d draw manga while living off my savings.

JS: I submitted my work to a competition and even though I didn’t win, I got a call from an editor at Shogakukan who wanted to work with me. After that I was told, “Draw whatever you want” and what I came up with ended up getting selected. It was decided that I’d debut so I moved to Tokyo and got to draw a number of oneshots while working as an assistant for a weekly magazine but I just couldn’t think of a storyboard for a series no matter how much I tried. I drew my last idea thinking I’d go back home if it didn’t get accepted. That was Yugami-kun ni wa Tomodachi ga Inai.

RK: Alright, thank you! Next, Risapaso-san, please.

[...]

RK: Risapaso-san is currently also an assistant to you, Sakura-san. How’s their work?

JS: They’re very dependable and always draw up these awesome backgrounds for me. It makes my art look so much better (laughs)! They’re a real pro and very reliable.

Risapaso: You flatter me.

RK: I think a lot of people aren’t aware of what assistants do - could you fill us in?

RP: I guess you can say we help give form to the what the author envisions. Sakura-sensei basically gives me a drawing as a rough guideline and using that as a base, I draw in the details.

RK: Ah, so you have to be able to read what the author wants and help them complete the drawing! That takes the skill of a professional!

JS: Yes. I'll ask them to spruce a panel up for me and they’ll give me a draw up a really nice backdrop for me.

RK: Sakura-san, what do you think of Risapaso-san’s series, Garyayama Poyomi no Kataomoi?

JS: The black humor and twists are really great! Whether it’s being comedic or serious, it surprises me, like, “That’s how it plays out?!” It betrays my expectations in a good way and the developments are so engaging. Even when the mood becomes serious, it’s well-balanced so I have nothing but glowing thoughts after reading it. Likewise, even when the story gets dark and heavy, there’s always a bit of comedy afterwards. I really like how it’s able to flip the mood back like that. I’m eager to see what happens next.

RK: And how about your thoughts on Yugami-kun ni wa Tomodachi ga Inai?

RP: I love it. I really like Yugami for how he’s the complete opposite of your typical shounen manga protagonist - acting not for the sake of those around him but for himself.

RK: For sure. When Yugami-kun ni wa Tomodachi ga Inai first came out, there weren’t many protagonists like Yugami. I think as the series got popular, we’ve seen an increase in them. How did you come up with Yugami-kun?

JS: It was born from a conversation I had with my editor. We were talking about people that were oddballs yet could also be strangely likable and that’s when I realized there are actually tons of people like that all around me, myself included. I took a bunch of those different aspects, pieced them all together bit-by-bit and made it into a manga.

RK: Wow, from a random chat like that?! When the first volume (of Yugami-kun) came out, my bookstore colleagues talked about it a lot. They were surprised at how well it sold. I think it really changed our image of a shounen manga protagonist and because you modeled the characters after people you know, that might be why a lot of the characters feel so real.

[...]

RK: And do you use Twitter too, Sakura-san?

JS: I do, but I’m no good at social media. I never know what to tweet. I've been like this since my student days so I’m probably just not suited for it. Yugami-kun is being rerun on Sunday Webry right now so I use Twitter to get the series out there while adding some of my own commentary on it. But I’m so stuck on what to say that it takes about three hours just to write three lines...

RK: Three hours?! That time ought to go to working on your manuscript, no? (laughs) But since you’re serializing in a magazine, you must get some fan mail, correct?

JS: Yes! Getting fan mail is so encouraging. I feel bad that I can’t return the favor with anything but new year’s cards... But I treasure every letter I get. When I’m feeling tired, I read them over again and they cheer me right up. Some senders have been writing to me since they were students and as time’s passed, they’ve sent me letters telling me they’ve gotten married. It feels like I’ve really gotten to know these people through their letters.

RK: Well then, Sakura-san, is there a particular chapter of Yugami-kun that sticks out in your mind?

JS: There was a moment when I was drawing up the draft storyboards and felt like I finally understood the characters. So in Yugami-kun, there’s an arc where the hero and heroine sever ties with one another. I wrote it without deciding how the two of them would make up. All I knew was that it would end with them reconciling and I forged ahead without deciding how it’d happen. But once I started drafting the storyboard, the chapter just wouldn’t go the way I wanted it to. Even if the story ended there, it wasn’t over for the characters. Characters were saying things they’d never say and things just didn’t feel right.

JS: I have a habit of cutting up parts of my storyboard drafts and reassembling them and in that mountain of papers was the heroine’s smile. Suddenly it hit me, “Ah, this is it!” and the somewhat sombre end of that arc did a complete turnaround. Just by picking up one piece of scrap from my drafts, all the other aspects of that chapter I was struggling with started to click as I pieced everything together like a puzzle. Like, “Oh, so that’s what he was thinking?” It felt like the characters were guiding me. It took a while to go through all of it but part of me drew the storyboard wanting to know how they all ticked.

RK: It sounds like the characters came to life in that moment!

JS: I discussed it with my editor beforehand but when I went to draw the chapter, something about the characters just seemed off so I submitted a completely different storyboard from the one I discussed with my editor, rewritten even though I’d already gotten the OK for the previous draft... I’m nothing but grateful to my editor for letting me make those changes.

RK: Thank you for all the work you put into this series! Well then, are there any manga you’d like to recommend?

JS: My friend told me I should read Ousama Ranking (King Ranking) by Sousuke Toka. It’s great; it has a kind of warmth to its style like a children’s story but also has these intense scenes that feel straight out of a shounen manga. A lot of times I’ve cried reading it. I love how multifaceted the characters are. Re-reading it and reflecting on the characters thoughts and actions with that hindsight never gets old.

[...]

RK: Finally, is there anything you’d like to say to your fans?

JS: Yugami-kun was really only slated to run for one volume with five chapters but it received a lot of positive feedback on reader surveys so it was given a second volume, and then the first volume got a reprint... And on and on, that cycle repeated. It’s thanks to all of your support that the series is still going and I’m forever grateful. When I was drawing Chapter 1, I’d thought of the ending by then but writing the story up to that point wasn’t possible so I figured that at its slated end, I’d show how the characters had grown in that time frame. But thanks to everyone, it looks like Yugami-kun will be fortuitous enough to finally have the ending I’d envisioned. I’ll be doing my best to make the rest of the ride enjoyable, so I’d be happy if you stuck with me.

[...]

RK: Thank you for doing this, you two!

Notes

Some of the oneshots Sakura has written in the past (all before Yugami began serialization):

こなた彼方の箒星 Konata Kanata no Houkiboshi

ぼくらのヒーロー Bokura no Hero / Our Hero

サンスポット！ Sunspot!

＆スマイリー &Smiley

The development Sakura mentions about Yugami and Chihiro severing ties with one another is a reference to chapters 56-58.

#yugami kun ni wa tomodachi ga inai #sakura jun #translations #yugami was only supposed to get one volume wow

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double-danganronpa-lost-faith · 6 years ago

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DDR:LF Progress Log

Hi everyone! Welcome to the first progress log.

It’s a post where I put all the things I’ve done for the fanganronpa so far that I haven’t posted anywhere; most of them are WIPs or Betas. It also works for me as a way to keep track of how far I’ve come.

Today’s post contains the following:

Character Bios (previously only available in the DR amino) and FAQ

4 WIPs of important CGs (well... more like 2)

3 Different types of Animation Tests

WIP/Beta of the GUI Design

Next objectives

If you’re interested in checking this post, keep reading it down below!

By the way, feel free to join the fangan’s discord server by going to this link https://discordapp.com/invite/aSd6PN4 ^^ with that being said, let’s begin the post~!

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Character Bios and FAQ

To start this blog AND this post on a right note, I’m finally posting on tumblr the character bios, which means you can now access to the information from each member of the cast of DDR:LF, which was previously only available in amino. You can find them in this post.

As for the other part, I wrote a FAQ with the main sort of questions there could be about the fangan. Feel free to give it a read here if you want to know about some basic stuff about the project, and if you still have doubts, please do send an ask! I’ll gladly answer it ^^

WIPs of CGs

You didn’t think that the only drawing I was working on were sprites, right?

In today’s post, here are some CGs WIPs that I didn’t get around to finish yet (since their priority is below the character sprites, but it’s a nice change instead of doing sprites 24/7).

First, the pre-trial CGs!

There are some expressions/positions that I might be willing to change, although that’ll come in later when I gotta sit down to finish these. But yeah, later. (Also, just to be clear, I drew these waaay back, so the designs might not match the current ones).

In a trial, depending the type of chapter, the 1st CG and 3rd one will switch places. The one that appears last will be the one that contains the protagonist whose POV we are witnessing.

Second, one of every prologue’s main CGs. “The killing game has begun!”

Looks of doubt and deceith are flying across the room! Who will make it through the end of the day? And who’ll be left behind~?

It might seem pretty basic without them being colored, but hopefully it’ll look better in the future!

Animation Tests

Man, this was a lot of fun to work on, and it was all worth it! I hope you all enjoy these as much as I did while trying to materialize these concepts!

#1 - Prologue Title Card

Every chapter of this story has a title card, just like the original danganronpa games. In the case of DDR:LF, this is more or less what each card will look like.

youtube

It’s kinda basic; elements being added to the screen here and there, as well as some silhouettes appearing.

What are these silhouettes, you might ask? It’s none other than the cast of the fangan, but it’s not just anybody who’s randomly picked. The silhouettes belong to the victims and the murderers of the current chapter, so for example, chapter 1 will have the silhouette of the 1st victim and the 1st murderer, but it’ll be modified enough for the silhouette to not be easily recognizable; nobody wants to get spoiled the deaths right at the start of the chapter, right?

Of course, the prologue is an exception... maybe.

A bit of the BGM was done by me, while some other elements of it were taken off from royalty free sound effects/melodies websites.

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#2 - Pixel Execution

As you all know, there’s always a pixel animation that starts off an execution. I have that too, of course! and in order to avoid spoilers + show you what I was able to do, I put myself in the place of the culprit. (I swear I didn’t kill off anyone yet... only after the fangan has started I’ll be considered guilty).

youtube

The background music was also composed entirely by me, although in the future it might change- but I don’t really know for certain, so get used to this for now :)

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#3 - Execution style test

I’ve recently downloaded the program Live2D, and what for? For executions, no less! After trying it for a while, I’ve concluded that it’d simplify my job a lot more than if I used sony vegas for animating the executions (not to mention it looks smoother with this new one).

youtube

For this test, I’ve used Seiji as my puppet. It might be simple, but it was to test out the limits of the program. It turned out really good imo! So I’ve decided to use Live2D to animate the executions (or at least, do most parts of them with it). I learnt some stuff while experimenting around with the program, so next time I’ll finish these sort of things even faster probably.

Also I put it on loop because a 2 second video is rather sad.

GUI Design

Now, I'll admit that I'm not the best at GUI design, but I tried my best to come up with my own design for the fanganronpa's interface, which I made based on a water-ish looking theme. The (not final) result of that is the picture below.

In case that you’re wondering, no, this isn’t any sort of canon conversation. It’s just the phrase I could come up with.

And yes, the background is from V3; I don't have any backgrounds at all for the project yet lol.

The sun and the fish on the top right corner will change depending on the time of day; but that's something that I'll keep to myself until the moment I start posting the story.

I have conflicted feelings with this GUI though, I don't know if I like it or not. It looks somewhat good but still off at the same time? Although it might just be me. If anyone has any feedback or suggestion for the GUI's design, the inbox is always open to receive such help!

So what's next?

Currently, I have loads of assignments at college, so it's kinda hard to make a balance between the project, social life and college work. However, the project is something that won’t stop.

The fangan has only one member, which is me of course; that means it’s going at a slow pace. I'm willing to make a recruitment for help, but that’ll be later once I have the basics to let someone else help me. If you’re willing to volunteer for this project, keep heads eyes up for the day I call out for help.

In the past, I tried to learn how to program with unity, but it’s hard to follow it up when the free tutorials are scattered here and there. When I have free time and everything art-related has been set up, I might try to pick it up again. I say might because I’m gonna start a tiny course for unreal engine at college. Maybe with the basics that they teach there, I’ll be able to do a better/quicker job than if I did it with unity (which I have 0 experience with). But the future is uncertain, so I’ll be the judge of that once I’m done with that course!

With that being said... as of now, the next objectives for the project (not ordered by priority) are the following:

Finishing Default Sprites.

I only have 7 default sprites done out of the 16 students, and I’m already working on the 8th. Half-way there?

Concept Art for each Room/Place.

While I have written down all the places in each dome, there are some that I need to draw the concept of the place, since the idea in my mind keeps changing them, I should settle them down.

Finishing Writing the Prologue and the Basics of Chapter 1.

I mean I already have like a half of these two things or more, but since I keep changing it, they never get any actual progress. Maybe I should learn to let it be as it is lol.

Creating 3D Assets.

Of course, I’ll make the 3D models for the rooms and props... well, I might do them; that is if I can’t find anyone that can make them. Pros of this is that I can do things exactly how I want them; cons are that it takes time and I’m not an expert in 3D modeling.

Trial GUI.

Class trials in danganronpa have a different GUI than the one used outside of them. We have a beta for the general GUI up there, now we need one for the class trial’s as well!

Concept Art for... a Trial Thing.

It’s no surprise that there are special things in fanganronpas, such as making changes to certain game mechanics, or creating completely new ones. The one I’m refering to in this case is a change to an already existing mechanic in the DR games. Can you guess which one it is~?

Splash Art.

During the first year of birthdays, I drew some sketches for the characters; those are the base for their future splash art.

---------------------

And last (and currently least important)

Recruiting Volunteers for the Project.

Obviously, I can’t do everything in this project by myself. In the future, once I have made a base for every ground of the project, I’ll recruit people that can work from there. Artists (GUI,CG and Sprite), Compositors, and 3D modelers are the ones that I’ll be looking for in this recruitment. In an even-later recruitment, I’ll make a casting call for voice actors as well. Please be patient though!

---------------------------------------------

I suppose that’s it for this very long post. It took more days than expected to put everything together, but at last I can release it now!

Now, June and July are pretty busy months at college, so unfortunatelly the progress will slow down a lot more than usual for the next few weeks. Thanks for sticking around this project despite the long road it has ahead! ^^

See you all in the next post! And if you read this entire thing, thank you for your interest in the fangan! <3

#progress log #double danganronpa lost faith #byu talks #wips #tests

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spacecharr · 5 years ago

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Why I’m Not Threatened By Old Men

A (high) treatise on why young women shouldn't be afraid of all old men.

Written by a (high) young bi woman of colour.

---

Lemme start by saying I wrote that title because I thought it would be clickbaity. And I wrote the subtitle like that because I'm being "funny" and I anticipate it will generate trolling. My popcorn is getting cold, and I want a show.

And incidentally, it's all true.

Because this is SpaceCharr pontificating on #authenticity and weed, son!

My local Starbucks is small, has a tiny little patio, limited seating and serves a wildly diverse customer base. From your Basic Skinny Pumpkin Spice Latte Bitch(TM) to uniformed police, from sharply dressed businessmen to soccer moms with three kids and a Burberry purse, from punk-rock loud and proud visibly LGBTQ folks to button-down sweater-vest old-schoolers, and from local college kids to retired old men.

It’s fascinating to see the crazy range of people and it makes for eavesdropping lazily on some hilarious (and sometimes very serious) conversations ranging all over the place.

And for some reason, I have a really really easy time getting old white men to talk to me.

Lemme lay some context: I’m a friendly gal. I’m sociable, (I’ve been told) charming, easy going, and very casual. I remember in elementary being given feedback by my teachers that I was “unapproachable”, and they were worried I would have difficulty making friends. From junior high on, I purposefully (after much coaching from my parents and my mom especially) sought out opportunities to learn better social skills. As an only kid, I didn’t have any siblings to be guaranteed friends with, and my relationship with my extended family was spotty at best.

So if I wanted friends, I knew I’d have to get them on my own. (Troll Note: I know some dipshit’s gonna be all “omg sure #thathappened. Like a grade schooler can know that” - and you’re right! Grade like, 3-6 me had no fuckin’ clue. But 20s me? Who’s gone through a bunch of psychotherapy? Now she knows a bit more)

I learned interpersonal skills. I did drama, I joined clubs, I did Toastmasters (fuckin’ fantastic, btw, look for your local chapter), and I even did the Dale Carnegie Interpersonal Skills course that’s based off How to Win Friends and Influence People (1000% recommend, A+ on how to be a decent human despite its manipulative-sounding title which is brilliant). I learned how to be a more approachable person - and I learned why people find it approachable.

I saw the difference in how people received me when I spoke formally versus when I spoke in a very familiar tone (”hello” vs “hey, hey!”). I noticed that I could easily put the people I was dealing with off-balance in a good way (relieved surprise) with humour and well-meant self-deprecation. I learned through trial and error what body language and touch cues elicited in terms of responses across various types of people. It became second nature for me to analyse and act on these, and my knowledge of these techniques helps me daily in my work as a consultant.

So now, after several years in the workforce, multiple significant life events (aka I’m relatively old), and more overall life experience, I’m often described by my coworkers and friends as “very friendly and often happy”. Of course, according my sibling-like co-scoundrels in my cube farm, I am “disgustingly upbeat” - but they say it with love because they know I’ll tease them relentlessly, too.

I have found over the years that I have actually changed down to the core of that grade school girl. I’ve gone from a kid who struggled to make friends and who was seen as unapproachable, to a person who can very quickly establish good rapport.

(side note: holy fuck I just realized I went from Dandere to Deredere... I’m a fuckin’ anime side character, shit)

Kind of the best example of what I mean is an interaction I had with a new massage therapist at this place I had a gift card for. That is to say, a complete and total stranger whom I had never interacted with or seen in the past. The shop I was at had you wait in the reception area with the receptionist until the RMT came to get you. So this dude came out to meet me, introduced himself and we chatted easily for a bit. After not even a minute of us chatting, he and I were laughing together and shared an easy chemistry. The receptionist - remember, who’d been there when the RMT and I introduced ourselves for the first time - then asked me “oh, are you two old friends?” to which he and I laughed and said “no, we’re just friendly”.

Anyways - that’s the context.

I’m a friendly gal. Sociable, a bit charming, easy going, and easily able to manipulate her own behaviours in order to make the other person feel more comfortable.

In Harry Potter-code: I’m a Slytherin who can play a Hufflepuff, but only because it gets me what I want - your cooperation and rapport - more easily. However, I also do genuinely mean those nice Hufflepuff-like actions - just, there’s an ulterior motive attached.

I’m also young, and obviously with South Pacific Islander blood in me (exotic features - I’ve been told I’d be cast in Miss Saigon if they ever did a musical in my city - I took it as as compliment, since I’m friends with the old white dude who told me that and he did mean it as a compliment).

Let’s put this together:

Exotic, tan-skinned young woman

Chatty, friendly, skilled at making people feel comfortable

Can make someone feel like an old friend

Easily self-deprecating and humourous

In a Starbucks with chatty retired old dudes and a lot of shared seating

Can anyone else see why my title makes more sense? (Legit, I am high, so if it doesn’t make sense, that makes sense)

Lemme spell it out for you bois: I’m an old perverted white man’s wet dream.

(yes, I’ve been told such to my face; yes, I believe from experience that most of the people who won’t believe me are straight young men - not out of malice, I think, but out of a belief that people aren’t that bad [not that old men finding young women attractive is bad - acting on it in certain ways however, can be]).

I’ve worked out of the Starbucks I mentioned several times in the past. As a consultant, I have a measure of flexibility in my schedule and I find I work best on some of my problem solving and documentation work when I’m out of the office. The change of scenery and the need to shut out the environment to “see” my work helps me - plus I don’t get drawn into the co-scoundrel shenanigans.

And I’m not kidding you - 8/10 times that I go there, I make a new old white man friend. Even the bi dude I met (srsly, it feels like since I made the decision to be openly out, I’m meeting more and more bi people everywhere when before there was nobody) was an old white dude.

I fuckin’ love it.

I am a young, bi woman of colour who loves having old white man friends.

Because they’re just as chill, non-judgemental, self-deprecating, sociable, and easy-going as I am. And they appreciate my dad jokes and bi puns. Seriously. Dads everywhere - we all secretly love your jokes.

And, y’know what? I think more young women - LGBTQ or not, PoC or not - should want to have old white dudes as friends.

INB4 tumblrinas: I don’t mean resurrect Hitler and be his gal pal. I mean don’t dismiss a possible friend just because they’re old, white, and have a dick. Use your brain - not every human is good, but likewise, not every human is bad. We come in shades in all ways.

I won’t tell you what to do, because I don’t know. What I want to share with you is why I feel the way I do. And let you do what you will with it - because I’m not interested in changing your mind. I’m interesting in trading stories and adventures - and understanding more about each other through that exchange.

Here’s why I love being open to talking to old white dudes:

Dad jokes. I’m not kidding. I love Dad Jokes.

They’re often past the point of giving a shit about society, so if you have a genuine, good-natured conversation about your point of view, chances as they won’t give a shit as long as you’re happy and no one’s dying.

They have amazing stories. I can’t tell you the number of times a new friend of mine has launched into crazy tales of things they got up to when they were younger.

They have great advice. Often, they’ve made some pretty bad mistakes. And they’re all too happy to share their lessons and spare someone else the trouble.

They often just want a chat. They don’t need a new friend, they don’t want your number, they just want a lively conversation with someone who isn’t gonna call the cops on them.

It’s so freakin’ easy to make their day and make them smile. And the genuine surprise when they find a young chickie they’ve no doubt had to weigh the pros-and-cons of talking to, who is easy-going and as happy to make their acquaintance as they are hers? It’s so cute. Old man smiles are so cute.

They respect you for being unapologetically who you are. They know that they’ve invited themselves into a talk with you - and they’re willing to carry and/or exit that talk if they find you being openly yourself. (which means if “yourself” is a fuckwit, they’ll just drop you if they know what’s good for ‘em; but then you’re just a fuckwit in Starbucks)

I guess for more location context, I should add that I live in Canada; it’s not an uncommon occurrence here for spontaneous conversations to happen. It might be more rare in other places, though. My city is also quite progressive and has a fairly active and supported LGBTQ scene.

All this said, it’s just a really nice experience in my mind to have good relationships (passing conversations, spontaneous coffee clubs, casual friendships, or more serious friendships) with old dudes as a young woman.

It’s like having a legion of second father figures, or uncles, more accurately fun drunkles, and older brothers.

I enjoy several significant friendships with old dudes:

I go for coffee almost every week with two white old dudes and a dudette (I’d say “old” but she’d punch me out): our conversations range from politics to wood relationships to name calling to sibling-like teasing.

I have three co-scoundrels at work that I’m close friends with, all are old men. None are in a position to help me with anything at work, but damn are they hilarious and they’re a ready Friday-afternoon morale boost with their antics.

I have a very close old Japanese-Canadian friend. We have a complicated and somewhat tense relationship, but ultimately I think it can be said that we have a certain platonic love for each other. Though we don’t speak frequently, we’re both very significant to the other. He was my taiko instructor.

I have another very close relationship with one of my long-standing old dude friends. He’s known me since I was 9. A single hug from this man can stop an anxiety attack in its tracks. We kiss each other on the cheek and like to weird out the ladies at Starbucks when we go there with each other by holding hands - we’re both Slytherin trolls.

Don’t forget the OG Old Guy: my proper Old Man. My papa. Our relationship was strained by my mother’s unhealthy approach to all her familial relations during my early years. But as I’ve moved out, gotten older, and gained more life experience, it feels like my dad is finally realizing I’m not a little girl anymore - that I’m a woman, with woman needs, woman wants, and woman expectations and behaviours. We don’t talk about all things, naturally, he’s still my dad. But I can’t tell you how great it feels to have a dad who I know has my back no matter what.

I feel like there’s a certain conditioning for young women to “fear” the “old white man”. Certainly for me in particular it feels like there’s lots of factors in play: my “tropical” ethnicity, my youth, my LGBTQ nature (still haven’t been asked for a threesome as a bi woman - I’m impressed with my city), and, naturally, my gender.

While I do know that those are all things that certainly do warrant a certain amount of wariness around strangers (old in my neighborhoods usually means highly conservative about, depending on the age of said person, “the immigrants” or “the non-whites”. Age from young-old to old-ass-old. They’re a product of their time.), I also think it’s vital not to let that wariness get in the way of making a possible new friend.

Anyways, I need to wrap this up.

How does this loop back into #authenticity and weed? Well, it’s been my experience that the old (white + some Asians, in my case) dude friends that I’ve made are some of the best people to help you be yourself.

They have anecdotes to illustrate benefits, cons, risks, and rewards; they have dad jokes and puns to bring some much-needed levity; they don’t give a fuck about the other Starbucks goers - for better or for worse; and they - just like you - just wanna have a good day and be able to be themselves.

Does this apply to every old man? No. Does it not apply to every old man? No.

If you’ve read this far, you have the brain capacity necessary to give someone a chance. Now, you’ll wanna do some preparation if this is nearing your max capacity, because you wanna make sure you’re not letting the wrong old man come talk to you all friendly-like.

But once you find one who’s just a swell dude? Cut ‘im some slack, maybe remember that he’s struggling to speak your vocabulary as much as you’re struggling to understand his.

Sit back, drink some coffee, smoke a joint, and share a story once in a while.

Anyways. That’s been SpaceCharr Pontificating.

Cheers, buds.

Stoner note: My hand rolling’s gotten so much better. And the weed I have doesn’t seem to smell as strongly as the pre-roll I had that one time, so I might sesh in the park at some point. I have my inaugural shroom trip this weekend - bestie agreed to tripsit! Yay! And she’s bringing the whole Planet Earth HD collection! - so it might not be for a while. I want to give the experience the attention it deserves, plus I need to establish a clean baseline to experiment accurately with microdosing.

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joh-gaming · 7 years ago

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Why is this affecting me so much?

This is probably going to be an incredibly long post, one that I don’t expect many would read but that I feel I have to write. If not for Epic to read it at some point, then for myself, to remember this and why this game was so important.

I will have a lot of personal opinions, unfair comparisons and highly critical comments in those comparisons that may or may not be accurate. There will also be speculation as there’s more going on than what they’ve been willing to say.

If you care, then please, click on Keep Reading to continue.

How did I learn about it?

Honestly, I have no idea and that’s an issue that lead to its current situation. This is what I remember hearing back then. Paragon is a new game by Epic Games, creators of the Gears of War series (which I’m not really a fan of) and the Unreal Engine (which has always fascinated me) It was going to be a MOBA (which I hate, don’t like any MOBAs except Paragon but I’m getting ahead of myself here)

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Clearly the above isn’t enough to get me to try it, on the contrary. So what was it, I must have seen something that made me think, this is worth a try. As great as that announce trailer was, none of the heroes in it speak to me, not even Sparrow whom ended up as my first mastered character and the one I own the most skins for. It wasn’t a gameranx before you buy thing which to this day I haven’t seen nor plan to, nor Angry Joe’s first look which again, I have no interest in watching. I’m not being critical of those channels, it’s just that I already experienced the game, most if not all of its iterations, so I really don’t care what they had to say about it.

Well... funny enough it was Overwatch the reason I gave Paragon a try. While Paragon is relatively older than Overwatch, it was in closed beta for the first few months. After trying, and falling in love with Overwatch’s beta, I felt the need to fill that void but with another, hopefully similar game. Then I saw the announcement of Paragon’s own free open beta weekend

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I don’t remember if I took part on it or not, the next thing I wrote of Paragon after that was Digital Foundry’s graphic comparison of the game on PC and PS4 vanilla (at the time, the only PS4 there was) praising how a console game let you use mouse and keyboard.

Now, going back to Overwatch for a second, there are a few things you should know. 1. I have a friend that is part of the Overwatch team 2. I bought the game myself, no free keys and it was the PS4 version 3. I didn’t have enough money to buy it at launch, I ended up buying it late June or mid July, can’t remember and it’s not THAT important right now. 4. I tend to prefer cartoon like graphics as they are pretty much timeless

With that being said, this was my first impressions on Paragon, having tasted Overwatch.

“I feel really bad for the artists working on Paragon. Clearly a lot of effort was put into the design and modeling of the characters but good God they're so damn boring. The maps are also bleh with a palette that doesn't help things at all. Animations feel like over a decade old with awkward jump and run. I will be surprised if this game is actually successful 'cause it's a MOBA and what's the most important part of a MOBA? The damn heroes.“

I’ve been wrong before, but this is probably the top one. The map in question is what we now call Legacy. After spending a long time in super colorful maps in Overwatch, I found myself in this semi realistic map with ruins and a jungle that looked old and boring. Movement was too slow and I’m not sure what I was talking about with the animations, maybe they were bugged at the time ‘cause Paragon’s animations are impressive. Some of the best work in gaming.

Needless to say, I had a rocky start with Paragon, mostly because I didn’t understand it. I don’t know how long I tried it before I deleted it but that’s what I ended up doing. I got frustrated and instead of doing research I just quit.

So, going back to Overwatch for another second, how long was my honeymoon after I bought it? It lasted for about a month, after that I started seeing all the issues the game had and has (most of them are still there) especially on consoles. Broken heroes, Play of the game that encourages nonsense, the “scoreboard” that highlights the wrong things, lack of content, lack of heroes, easily exploitable on certain maps, etc. So I guess, thanks to Overwatch, not only did I dare to try Paragon, but fell in love with it. (btw, I did check, bought Overwatch mid June and by mid July I was sick of it, only made worse in August trying to get the limited time skins I wanted) And that’s not even talking about how Overwatch popularized Loot Boxes (yes, they have existed for a long long time, they just made it seem OK in a full priced game, ‘cause it was $60 on console)

Now, I couldn’t find this anywhere but I remember I returned to Paragon when Lt. Belica was announced. Gave it another go but again, failed to understand the character and gameplay. I will get more into the true problem for new people later on, but for now let’s go with why did I delete the game a second time. Well, it wasn’t out of frustration this time, rather than HDD space on my PS4. At the time it didn’t support external HDD. When did I return in a more permanent manner? When Countess came out.

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She became my main for a while, which is funny ‘cause part of her kit was taken from the hero that would completely grab me forever. I started understanding the design decisions of the characters and the graphics, I got past the part where they wouldn’t last a few years, I was wrong about that too. I think they found the right balance between realistic and somewhat cartoonish to make the graphics last. That and they weren’t shy on retouching characters later on.

On November 2016 I said this

“Now I have a better understanding of the game, mind you that if I were to read about it I MAY learn it faster, but I prefer to learn from my own mistakes rather than trying to play like someone else that is probably more skilled. I can accomplish a similar standard just playing with things that work for me rather than what is "optimal". Or that word that gets on my nerves, the META. Fucking meta...”

Funny, I still agree on that.

Paragon growing on me

I’m going to quote myself again, but I’m going to edit said quote for context purposes, not trying to say something different than I said before. For instance, the post was made with a video that I won’t include here, so anything mentioning the video is out of context.

“The more I play Paragon, the more I like it, but at the same time the more I notice its problems. Paragon currently has 24 heroes with a new one added every 3 weeks. Only has one map and one game mode, but it's free and high quality so no complaints here. However if you're like me, you tend to pick certain characters based mostly on looks not on play style. This is one of the biggest issues in Paragon and even Smite for that matter. The character design in Paragon is on point but at the same time it’s dull and boring.

You have your human characters, your robots and your beasts. They decided to go with a semi realistic look for the game instead of doing the cartoon like design from popular and unpopular MOBAs. Which is fine I guess, you want to differentiate yourself, especially when now everyone that does it is instantly going with "an Overwatch look". On PS4 they had to lower the graphics quite a bit.

Paragon has a hero limit since launch and you can't switch heroes of course. The character selection process is completely random (I was the first to pick this time by pure luck) there are no rules for this other than what common courtesy SHOULD dictate. Personally, even if I get to pick first, let's say if the third player selects Countess before I do, I consider that a priority so I leave Countess open for him. You should learn how to play at least 4 characters. Game actually wants you to learn five characters, that's why you get 5 deck slots by default.

I prefer to play Countess, but I'm better with Sparrow and already have experience with Belica. That being said, the whole mastery system induces people to rage quit when the character they wanted gets picked by someone else. It starts off fine, but eventually leveling up your character becomes a chore and a grind.”

This was still back in November 2016.

On December 2016, I had this to say about the game

“There were a few things keeping the game from being as good as it could be. One of them being the learning curve. This wasn't your go in spray and pray your way to victory while you press a button to get a highlight at the end of the match to feel great about your awesomeness. No, in Paragon you needed to learn a lot about the mechanics, you had to build your character from scratch, and you had to find a way to balance your build to be ready for what's to come. It was amazingly refreshing to be honest. Sure it took me some time to like it, mostly 'cause I still feel the graphics aren't what they should be and the characters, while having an interesting design, they lack a palette that makes them unique.”

“This past Tuesday, Epic Games decided to upload Monolith. Basically Paragon is now a whole different game. Taking into account player feedback, mostly for how slow the game was, they applied a lot of changes to the mechanics of the game. Some of the changes would have been enough in the Legacy map to make the game nearly perfect, but no. Monolith is a smaller map than Legacy, character speed is improved but then it creates other issues when you fight other heroes. Certain classes are now having a tougher time. You gain less card power, forcing you to stay on the map longer rather than going back to base to level up. That in theory would be great if you weren't so fucking weak for half of the game. So what are people doing to combat this? They basically have the same builds. Build for attack speed and power, then some life steal and you're good to go. It's boring now, it's more like a shooter. “

I ended up that paragraph with something I regret and therefore won’t repeat. Even if it didn’t happen... I didn’t uninstall the game and have no plans to do so. Not even after it’s gone (unless it keeps affecting my health, more on that later)

“The simplification of Paragon, as a whole, made it more accessible to regular players, you know your regular multiplayer bro. So it's kind of funny to see the rage quitters because the early game is so painfully slow (in terms of levels) and how easy it is to die when you don't understand how minions and towers work. They changed more things in Paragon than what Massive changed in The Division. Paragon is like a different game, one that doesn't require you to be as smart as before. You now stack attack and go play. That's why I'm a little disappointed with the update. Thankfully they are listening to the feedback so perhaps they can find a middle ground between this version and the previous one, because both have great ideas, they just need to remove the bad ones. A match in Paragon is still more fun than a match in Overwatch though.”

2017, a roller coaster of emotions

Last year alone Paragon went through at least 3 big changes. Many think these changes lead to its current downfall but I don’t agree. In a community corner video (I may edit this if I find it again) they said (a bit arrogantly I may add) that Legacy won’t ever come back. Keep in mind that while at first I was one of those that felt betrayed by the changes Monolith brought to the game, I was still playing and having fun. Originally the thought was, “we don’t want to split the community” and at the time I agreed. But looking back I failed to see the same thing they missed, the community was already divided. Bringing Legacy as a mode, or a more strategic version while Monolith would be more fast paced wouldn’t be bad.

Look at Smite and Overwatch, both games that wouldn’t want to have a split community, now their games have plenty of modes. Keeps players in because if they tire of one thing they could test another ‘cause at the end of the day, it’s the heroes that will keep you coming back. So it wasn’t the changes, more like a pinch of arrogance and a lack of modes. The player retention they later complained about, was of two folds, lack of ranked mode and a poor tutorial.

What made Paragon different and special, besides the heroes I will come to love even more than those in other games, was the card system. You’ll find videos from ‘tubers that are now jumping to conclusions just to talk about the closure of a game they never even heard of. You’ll hear them say something about it being pay to win with buying cards and what not, which funny enough was true in 2016, nobody said anything about it then, but all of that was removed when they added the card crafting system so long ago that I don’t even remember when that was implemented.

Building a deck was crucial to success in Paragon, just as much as understanding minions, towers, your role, buffs, rotations and kills. For most of the 2 years, the jungle was crucial too, that was changed in one of the latest patches. Some say for the worse, I’m not too sure it was. If it was simplification they were after, then the current jungle makes the jungler job easier to understand. Farm, get some levels and skills, then go help the lanes. True that had it been a mode in Monolith with Legacy being the more strategic match, it would have been better received, or at least that’s my perception.

People don’t like to feel dumb, even less to realize they actually are. If what I’m writing here makes me sound dumb, then perhaps I am, but it doesn’t matter as this post has nothing but my sincerest thoughts on the matter, even if I’m trashing Overwatch along the way. I think Paragon was a great game, unique in a sea of MOBAs, that people just failed to understand and that the developers didn’t support correctly.

Was Fortnite the issue?

Epic Games is often accused of doing popular things then scrapping them, fad chasers is what they call them. Paragon started when MOBAs were a big thing, just like Fortnite started when Minecraft was a thing. Sure at the time you had Cliffy B on board so he wanted a gritty and scary thing in Fortnite. Fortnite was one of those games that went through development hell, a game that if not by PUBG catching fire (see what I did there) and they being able to rip it off, it would have crashed and burned by now. Fortnite was sold as an Early Access game

I clearly bought into Fortnite’s Early Access, hence the screenshot of the banner unlocked. What made me buy Fortnite when I knew it wasn’t done? If there’s one thing I learned from playing Paragon, is that Epic will change everything trying to find the best system for the gameplay. I wanted to be a part of that too, I wanted to see the game change and grow (keep that expression in mind) over time. I also wanted to thank Epic for Paragon, so I thought this would be the best way to do so.

I was aware of Fortnite before I knew anything about Paragon, I mean like I said, it’s one of those games that went through development hell. I was watching one of their livestreams when they were giving away keys to almost everyone, they didn’t give me one (at the time it was a PC only game) so I never got the chance to try it myself. Over time I stopped paying attention to it as I never got a key, nor even acknowledgement that I wrote them asking for one. Why was I interested in Fortnite? Well, obviously the cartoon graphics as I mentioned before, then there’s the whole building thing which I enjoy a lot (main reason why I like Fallout 4) and Orcs Must Die 2 is one of my favorite Tower Defense games. (Keep that game in mind too)

If I had known that everything they said about working on developing what is now a mode (Save the World) was a lie, I would never have wasted money on Fortnite. The game is as incomplete now as it was on launch. Sure they have had events but almost every resource is going into the Battle Royale mode. Again proving that they are indeed fad chasers. If you feel like I’m wrong here, that it was a logical business decision and that justifies whatever you’ve spent on Fortnite, then fine, that’s what you think. But personally, I can’t recommend anyone to spend money on ANY Epic Games game from now on. This will sound like Blackmail and maybe it sort of is, but I do mean this, if Paragon is completely closed (as in I can’t play it in any way, shape or form) to me, I don’t see myself giving EG money again in the future. I don’t just say things like that and change my mind when it’s convenient, I haven’t bought an EA game since they burned me with SimCity 2013.

The Heroes of Paragon

Paragon has a bunch of great heroes, my favorite hero would come out in May 2017. That would be Phase. I’d say it was love at first sight but it wasn’t, it was love at first try. Before Phase there was Aurora, a controlled type character that had the looks and mobility, not to mention damage output. I often play range roles or control types, while Aurora was melee, I felt she has more mobility than Countess plus her control abilities were great to set up team attacks. I never thought a support would be far more interesting to me.

Phase’s kit was amazing, actually it was too good to the point where she broke the game for some people. One thing is a good support, another is a support good at everything. Good at healing, dealing damage and controlling the enemy. She got nerfed a couple of times, with her healing being affected the most, she’s still my main. For whatever reason, Phase felt like a part of the Phantom Thieves in Persona 5. Granted that after reading her lore I completely understand why that was the case, but the fact that I thought about it without reading it says a lot about the work put into the character itself

There are so many nuances in her animations, even her new launch pad animation. While not as involved or defining as most of the characters’, it still feels like a Phase launch. Her relationship with Shinbi was explored later, it was interesting but it didn’t change what I thought the character was like. She is the character I’ll miss the most, but don’t think she’s the only character I like a lot.

1. Countess 2. Aurora 3. Lt. Belica 4. Sparrow 5. Dekker 6. Serath 7. Morigesh 8. Zinx 9. Drongo 10. Wraith 11. Yin 12. Gadget 13. Muriel 14. Twinblast 15. Murdock 16. Shinbi

I will miss all of them. There are a few I haven’t even tried.

The greatest game I couldn’t play

From September 19, 2017 to January 9 2018, I didn’t have internet access. Hurricane Maria had destroyed our infrastructure leaving many of us in a terrible situation. Originally I was OK, I was prepared for around 2 months of no power, let alone net access. My house held fine (or so it did at first) and my family was OK. Then it started, the following days it started raining what felt like non stop and the damage Maria did, was now evident. Water was pouring in, my things were getting damaged, first I lost my bed, then my desk, well to cut to the point, I pretty much lost my house. I don’t have the money to fix it and with the situation my country is in, I don’t think it’s even worth it.

All I kept thinking about was, man I wish I could play Paragon again. Sounds silly but everyone has something that helps them disconnect from whatever terrible reality they are in. For nearly 4 months that’s all I wanted to do. Late October I moved to my brother’s house, it had power, water would come later but at least it had power. I started playing some games to avoid thinking of what I lost and had yet to lose, as I couldn’t save everything important. Nothing clicked, all I wanted was to play Paragon. I would watch my captures of my game time, over and over and the “music video” I did of my first coop match playing her

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I missed the October event, I wanted that mummy Yin skin. I almost missed the winter event skins, got net back right when they extended the event 1 more week, so I was able to buy Morigesh and Aurora’s skins. Those weren’t the last skins I bought, no. The last skin I bought was the Panda skin for Phase. The day before they announced that Paragon would close.

So you see, the answer to my first question, why is this affecting me so much? well, after losing my house and some of my things, the game I wanted to play the most is going away too. It breaks my heart, I saw Paragon from almost every stage in development, highs and lows I loved playing it, I still do. There are terrible games that somehow are still up (Day Z comes to mind) yet this amazing game that is making so many people cry, it’s going away. Or is it?

Were we lied to?

It all points to yes, something happened that they can’t talk about. In their open letter they said

Here inside Epic, we’re talking about the future of Paragon in pretty much the same terms as you’re talking about it. The core challenge is that, of new players who try Paragon, only a small number continue to play regularly after a month. Though Paragon has evolved, no iteration has yet achieved that magical combination of ingredients that make for a sustainable game. (As an aside, the problem isn’t marketing or how to make money with Paragon. We have good ideas that would solve those problems if we can find a way to make Paragon grow.)

So, if the problem wasn’t marketing (which btw it was, it wasn’t even promoted 1/5 of what Fortnite has been) nor making money with it, the problem was making it worth the effort. At least that’s my opinion. Fortnite success came over night, so it was an easy decision to ditch their less popular game even though it is their superior product. But is that even the case here? While Paragon is going to close for us, in China it started its closed beta

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What the flying fuck is going on here?

It’s hard not to feel betrayed, it’s hard not to wish Epic Games failure (I try not to) but nothing is harder than seeing a great game close, with some relatively true explanation but no real logic behind it. Closing Paragon, even if it was to make development on Fortnite easier, is a mistake. Leave it in life support until you can come up with better ideas for it. The rank mode they were working on was never implemented in Paragon, instead it was moved to Fortnite. So don’t tell me you did everything for the game, it died because you didn’t support it Epic. It died because you killed it not because we left, I never left. As the final months are quickly going by, and I try to enjoy my final moments with it, in an analogy I rather not say, I feel myself getting sick. I get this massive headaches now, Paragon may have nothing to do with it but coincidentally, they come after playing a few matches. It hurts to know it’ll be gone and that I won’t be Phase anymore.

On the other side, I hope Epic Games have realized that Fortnite is more of a platform than a game. Quickly being able to transform itself from tower defense building game to a battle royale with building elements. I mentioned Orc Must Die series, well their latest game was one of the many MOBA attempts that kind of failed. They had to add the classic gameplay that made them popular in order to keep their fans, because they were bleeding players like crazy. Now, the current version has plenty of modes, kept the MOBA, (EDIT: They removed the MOBA mode) added the classic and created a few more. Fortnite can be Paragonized if they wanted to, they could even add some of the Paragon characters to Fortnite, I would gladly pay for Phase.

Soldier Class

1. Belica 2. Murdock

Constructor Class

1. Terra 2. Greystone

Outlander Class

1. Phase 2. Twinblast

Ninja Class

1. Shinbi 2. Kwang

And clearly, I’m not the only one that thinks that’s doable. naastika.deviantart.com

Final thoughts

I may be angry and disappointed, and I do mean it, that if I can’t play Paragon or Phase (mostly Phase) any more, that I truly won’t support any more Epic Games games, but I do appreciate the rare opportunity to play such an amazing game. I’m too old to like video games for the gamey aspects of it, I prefer the media side of it, the opportunities it offers as a story telling device that surpasses books and movies. I started my gaming on the Atari 2600, I’m done with jumping around for hours or shooting for no reason. It is extremely rare for me to get attached to a game with no narrative, and the fact that Paragon pulled this off, speaks to the talent working on the game.

Thank you for Paragon, and fuck you if you do close it.

#Paragon #personal thoughts #Epic Games

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allenmendezsr · 4 years ago

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The Skinny Fat Solution

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The Skinny Fat Solution

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Somewhere in Africa, a lion sits in the wild.

He wakes up to unknown food rations, weather patterns, and dangers. Yet he’s bold enough to handle his own life. His survival is his responsibility, and his responsibility alone.

Somewhere in a zoo, a lion sits in a cage.

He’s given food, shelter, and a safeguard from danger. He’s but a pawn, and not in charge of his own life.

Both of these creatures are lions; only one is king.

They have the same hardware — they’re made up of the same anatomical “stuff” — but the software makes all the difference.

Skinny-fat? You’re living in a unique cage.

Your software is broken. Your fat cells complicate things. Your body needs built back up in a specific way not only from a muscular proportion standpoint, but also from a overall body composition sequence standpoint.

I know these things because I was once in the skinny-fat cage.

I’ve come to be known as a skinny-fat guru of sorts, and I’m proud of that because I share your scars. Wider hips. Stretch marks on my lower back. Oh yes, the string bean arms, small wrists, lower chest fat, narrow shoulders, and the entire skinny-fat package was one there. But I’ve since learned how to live out there in the wild, and I’d like to help you do the same.

That’s why, when I had the chance to write for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s personal website, I wrote about skinny-fat syndrome. Now, I’ve been published a lot of places. But Arnold’s personal website? And skinny-fat as my topic of choice? That should tell you everything you need to know about me. (And maybe that Goku turning Super Saiyan changed my life. There was also this thing where a chick told me I had girl boobs in my skinny-fat heyday, but . . .)

It’s a complicated cage. It’s not one most people deal with, and here’s why this matters to you.

We typically learn from those that came before us and have done what we want to do. The problem with this for us? Most people that have done what we want to do didn’t start skinny-fat.

Those fat cells you have? They complicate things. Fat cells don’t really die. They shrink, but they’re always there. If you’ve filled them up in the past, chances are they’re prone to refill. This is something I call a flinch to fat. Your body, for whatever reason, has decided that flinching extra energy and nutrients to fat cells is a good idea, and so it’s going to be a factor. It will always be a factor.

Why is it important? Because true-skinny guys don’t often have a flinch to fat. True-skinny guys, when they start training, carve out one path to muscle. The flow follows that one path. That’s why they can chow down on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all day and gain muscle without turning into lard. But if you’re skinny-fat?

You already have a path to body fat that’s paved and frequently travelled. The goal isn’t necessarily “fat loss” because that does nothing to fix what’s familiar. When you stop going fat loss berserk, you still have the paved path. And you’ll probably just get fat again. Now, fat loss is a part of the overall goal, but it isn’t the real goal. The real goal is to rewire the flinch.

Your body proportions also complicate things. You have a unique build. Not only do you need to use the worthwhile training methods that will actually build muscle, you have to be mindful of where that muscle is going to end up. A great muscle building program might not be great for you because, although you probably need muscle to build a good body, you need muscle in the right places.

Old school physical culturalists like Vince Gironda pioneered this idea with his relentless quest for an “X” shaped physique. This is important for you, too. It’s not always about “as much muscle as possible,” but rather about as much muscle possible in the right places. Physique is like a sculpture in that it’s an illusion. You can look a lot better with less clay if you know how to shape it right. But there’s a fine balance between getting overly detailed and prissy vs. knowing when to throw down hunks of clay in the right places vs. throwing down hunks of clay haphazardly. We need to be in the middle.

People are different. You are different. We can’t deny that some have better genetics for carrying and building muscle and being lean.

We don’t usually don’t fall in that bucket. Smaller and thinner bones make for smaller muscles generally. (I can wrap my fingers around my wrist and touch pinky to thumb.) The wunderkinds might have more muscle naturally or might build muscle with less effort or might build muscle using less effective exercises. Sadly, most people that “make it” don’t come from our background.

Our background, our “cage,” is a product of three things: nature (genetics), nurture (culture), and good old random chance.

It’s not that you can’t build muscle, it’s just that you can’t build muscle the same way the wunderkind does. Nurture is one third of the equation. You have control over this. Our body is aware of the world that it’s in, and so it “works” based upon this feedback. You created an environment in which your body said, “The best way for me to survive this is to be skinny-fat.” Sound depressing, right?

Wrong.

Because you have the power to change it. You are in control. You can step into the wild.

Without the wunderkind nature we have to create a wunderkind nurture.

And that’s the purpose of SOLDIER. (Sorry, no Mako involved. And if you know what I’m talking about we can be friends.) We live in an age of endless programs, and people running around like chickens without heads. SOLDIER is a three step system created with one single intention: you’re skinny-fat, you’re in that cage, here’s how you changed every possible aspect of nurture (training, nutrition, life) to break free. And I’m not talking about just seeing change, I’m talking about really adjusting things inside — rewiring the flinch.

SOLDIER 3.0 The first stages gets the body saying, “Oh hey, these muscles? Yeah, they’re kind of important. Let’s think about them.” And, “Oh hey, this body fat? It doesn’t have to be here. Let’s use some of it up.” If you play your cards right, it’s not uncommon to drop fat and build some muscle here. It’s cruising into both muscle building and fat loss without erring too far to either end to see how the body responds.

This is where you learn the powerful barbell and bodyweight exercises that will best contribute to not only current “X” physique intentions, but also lead into exercises in the future. Some other work for fat loss is recommended, usually walking, sprinting, or rope jumping in a way that doesn’t interfere with the basic strength work.

Nutrition caters to muscle recovery but also promotes fat loss.

SOLDIER 2.0 The first stage usually works well. At some point though, the body usually says, “Alright, alright. I made some changes, but I don’t know how comfortable I am losing all of my fat. I’m going to hold onto some of it; I’m going to cherish it a bit more than the rest.”

This is where you tell the body, “There is no option. The fat? It’s gotta’ go.” This is the stubborn fat phase, and is SOLDIER 2.0, which SOLDIER 3.0 laid a foundation for. We really jam home fat loss here, but only as much as necessary. We let 3.0 run its course because it’s best for muscle. When you go severe fat loss, muscle is usually on hold, so that’s why SOLDIER 2.0 is only a ten week thing for when it counts.

We ramp up fat loss specific work and make some changes to prevent the dreaded starvation mode and the body locking up its fat cells.

SOLDIER 1.0 After 2.0 is over, you’re looking at coasting into muscle building and being happy, but there’s something you need to know: times of catabolism and breakdown stimulate for times of anabolism and build up. This sounds great for muscle, and it is, but most skinny-fat guys will have energy grubbing fat cells prowling. I call these “Gollum cells,” seeking their pressccciiiouusss.

That’s why, after 2.0, I recommend making the muscles hyperactive while bringing nutrition to more of an autopilot feel. When you do this, you bring your body to a reset point where the muscles are hyperdemanding so any extra energy you happen to take in goes there and the fat cells get downplayed majorly. You aren’t actively seeking out muscle or eating for it, but that’s the point of the reset.

This puts you in the best spot moving forward.

And this brings us to The Skinny-Fat Solution.

The Skinny-Fat Solution is a comprehensive resource packed with PDF eBooks and other useful tools that, depending on your level of interest, take you through SOLDIER. As of now, there are three levels you can go with. I’ll run through all of them now, but you should also read about my “No Ass-to-risk Guarantee” that follows.

THE STANDARD PACK (SOLDIER 3.0 ON LOCKDOWN)

The Standard Pack has everything you need to go from zero to SOLDIER 3.0 hero. It contains the training, nutrition, and lifestyle basics to start changing your body. All of the below are instantly downloaded eBook PDF documents that come together in a .ZIP file.

SOLDIER PHILOSOPHY PDF hits you with a comprehensive look at how SOLDIER comes together. It might just light a fire under your feet. (Warning: it mentions Sparta. I’ve been told that anything that incorporates Sparta must be good. Just saying.)

SOLDIER 3.0 X PHYSIQUE TRAINING PDF gives you the program and teaches you the philosophy behind muscle building, specifically in a way that’s going to cater to an “X” physique. It’s a barbell and bodyweight training program.

SOLDIER 3.0 NUTRITION PDF will have you looking at nutrients in a way a casual Google search could never teach you. It gives you the nutrition basics you need in order to make any meaningful body composition strides—how to eat for losing fat, yet also what to consider for muscle repair and growth.

SOLDIER 3.0 QUICK REFERENCE GUIDE PDF gives you the most important nuggets of information from the training, nutrition, and posture/movement guides in one handy dandy place.

SOLDIER 3.0 POSTURE & MOVEMENT PDF teaches you how move. Period. It dissects the fundamental human movements in the squat, press, pull, and hinge, and also guts the issue of posture (as it’s often a skinny-fat sore spot).

SOLDIER 3.0 EXERCISE BREAKDOWN PDFbreaks down each “main” lift within the program and gives suggestions for substitutions. It also gives links to YouTube videos for demonstrations and is chock full of pictures and diagnosing common problems.

(6) SOLDIER 3.0 KITCHEN AND LIFE VOODOO sets you straight. Let’s face it. This journey effects everyone around you. This document is the real gem, in my opinion. It gives you some recipes and kitchen tricks as well as some tips on how to integrate changes into your lifestyle. It’s the stuff no one talks about, yet everyone does behind the scenes. How do you deal with nutrition habits at work? How do you deal with changing your life without de-friending your friends? How do you cook food in a time efficient way? How do you *gasp* enjoy eating vegetables? What spices make food taste good? Why is cheese the greatest thing in the world? (OK, so I don’t exactly tackle that last issue, but I’ll admit to the premise of it.)

+ FREE UPDATES FOR LIFE AND EMAIL CONTACT. I keep in touch with all buyers via email, sending them product updates and anything that crosses my nose that may be useful. This is why people that buy are students more than anything else.

THE HYPER PACK (SOLDIER 3.0-1.0 ON LOCKDOWN)

The Hyper Pack includes everything within the Standard Pack plus these extra PDF documents. The Hyper Pack is designed to give you what you need to complete every phase of SOLDIER on your own. All of these are delivered together inside one .ZIP file.

SOLDIER 2.0: THE STUBBORN FAT LOSS PDF , which outlines nutrition and training changes to help you adjust to the fat loss wall and prevent the dreaded starvation mode. It also teaches you about the wall itself so you don’t exhaust the usefulness of this type of training. Crazily enough, this is the time when you probably should eat more here and there. This takes you through that.

SOLDIER 1.0: THE HYPERMUSCLE QUEST PDF, which tells you what you need to know about your new body, specifically that it probably wants to get fat again. Your fat cells are like Gollum in that they want their prescciioussss energy back. Inside, it also outlines the high frequency training philosophy that I like to use in this phase, which is how to combine high frequency bodyweight training and barbell training in a way that best fits your situation. It also shows you how to go about dialing back your nutrition so you’re not fat loss loopy, but yet at the same time not going into bulk mode. The goal is to “normalize” your body so that it cares more about muscle than fat. Warning: a side effect of this is usually getting jacked; just thought I’d let you know. SOLDIER 1.0 also begins to talk about how to transform some of the staple exercises into more powerful “X” physique exercises.

GMB PERFECTING THE PULL-UP PDF, I’m just going to lay it out there: I treat the barbell deadlift and chin-up like gold. Because they are gold. And because gold is important, I called in my friends over at Gold Medal Bodies to give you some training tips for the pull-up. Ryan Hurst (former gymnast) gives you a progression and proper form to go from 0 to 1 pull-up, and then even some advanced training suggestions.

THE INTERNAL MONOLOGUE PDF, I took pictures throughout the first year of my transformation. This PDF is a ‘lil special egg in the lot in that I self coach myself along the way from where I sit now. For instance, a few months in I actually look fatter than in the beginning because of how my body was losing fat. Just little informative nuggets like this I thought would be valuable.

+ THE STANDARD PACK

BONUS: The Hyper Pack is the Ultima Pack for the time being. With this option, you also get access to the membership area, forums, and coaching website. See Ultima Pack description for more details. Feels good, right?

THE ULTIMA PACK (SOLDIER 3.0-1.0 ON LOCKDOWN WITH PERSONALIZED FEEDBACK)

The Ultima Pack contains everything within the Standard and Hyper Packs, but also lifetime access to the “inner circle” coaching website. Like the Hyper Pack, it’s designed to take you through the entire SOLDIER system, but has much more of a personalized, community focus for those that need or want it. They PDFs and instructions for access are send immediately upon purchase.

ACCESS TO THE INNER CIRCLE for community support and also EXTRA courses. See, this isn’t The Skinny-Fat Solution’s first rodeo. I’ve had previous versions that make an appearance with the rationale of why I might have changed things, so there are different strategies there for those that might do better. Like I said: it’s a personalized kind of place. There’s a forum where you can get feedback on exercise form, additional learning courses, regularly scheduled face time (via Google+ / GoToMeeting) calls.

+ THE HYPER PACK

+ THE STANDARD PACK

–

Because this membership area isn’t quite pristine and still in beta, I can’t justify selling this membership solo. That’s why the Hyper Pack is the Ultima Pack right now. Buy purchasing the Hyper Pack this instant, you’ll actually be an Ultima Pack owner with all of the perks of an Ultima for life. Sweet, right? Come inside, introduce yourself, and help me make it an awesome place.

Breathe easy. You are protected from internet scum.

My No Ass-to-Risk Guarantee is in place to prevent you from being misled or mistreated from online business malpractice. Your satisfaction is my guarantee. You may return this product if it doesn’t meet your expectations. Anytime. Anyplace. Even if my retailers refund period has expired (my retailer is ClickBank and they have a 60 day refund policy), I’ll handle it in house. Check out some testimonials, and then find out more about not risking your ass.

Your mind is swimming with ideas. It has to be. I know mine was.

There’s simply too much out there. P90X. Pilates. Bulking. Cutting. This method. That method. This gidget. That gadget. It’s overload. And sadly, most of it doesn’t work for us. I fell for the instant ab solutions when I was younger. (I even had one of those electrostimulation ab belts — one of my most embarrassing secrets.)

But I’ve done them all. I know your ultra low carb experiment zapped away your muscle. I know P90X didn’t put on the muscle you wanted it to and probably ruined your knees. I know your bulks left you with more fat than muscle. I know because I’ve been there. And I know what’s worked best for me and I can confidently say SOLDIER is that system.

Don’t make the same mistakes I made.

The question ISN’T if you have what it takes, it’s how much time you’re going to waste — how big of a hole you’re going to dig for yourself. It’s no coincidence that you’ve made it this far. You have what it takes. But the more important matter at hand: not getting lost in the thicket so that you can start making progress now. Every day of moving in the opposite direction carries potential irreversible damage.

If this means as much to you as it did to me, you can’t waste any second of your time — or dollar from your wallet — on something that sends you backwards in progress. That’s my back. Those are stretch marks. There. Forever. I could have prevented them by taking action quicker.

So you have a choice: You can stay in your cage. Or you can become king.

Here are some people that chose the latter. Will you be next?

Every document within the Skinny-Fat Solution are PDF files that are compatible with ADOBE and other like PDF readers. They come in a .zip file, which most operating systems can inherently unzip. There are no physical products shipped. And breathe easy. You are protected from internet scum.

My No Ass-to-Risk Guarantee is in place to prevent you from being misled or mistreated from online business malpractice.

First, your satisfaction is my guarantee. You may return this product if it doesn’t meet your expectations. Anytime. Anyplace. Even if my retailers refund period has expired (my retailer is ClickBank and they have a 60 day refund policy), I’ll handle it in house. Check out some testimonials, and then find out more about not risking your ass.

What Others Are Saying

Anthony Mychal is one of the few people whose advice I trust implicitly, and it wouldn’t be hyperbolic to say his teaching has changed my life.

As a former skinny-fat (physically, at least!) looking to add muscle after reaching my solid base, his articles, and the TSFS / Chaos Bulk resources in particular, address my situation perfectly. He doesn’t just prescribe boilerplate sets of lifts, but also tackles the nutrition; lifestyle; and, importantly, the psychological baggage that comes with this body type.

I was lucky enough to jump on the Skinny-Fat Solution charter group membership, and being part of the Skinny Fat Solution coaching group has allowed me a privileged position where Anthony is on hand to offer advice and answer students’ specific questions and concerns. He is always exceptionally supportive, celebrating our achievements with us, without being afraid to dish out a bit of “tough love” where necessary (something I’ve benefited from on more than one occasion!).

In short, I am proud to call him my mentor, and hope to be able to do so for many years to come.

Dajve Green

The “before” pictures here were taken before I found Anthony. I was able to lose some fat with “traditional” bodybuilding methods — frequent meals, no alcohol, etc. But I spent years bulking and cutting, only to get no where. It was SO frustrating.

Enter Anthony and his abundance of Skinny-Fat information, and I was able to stay stay pretty lean, gain strength, and gain muscle. I FINALLY feel like I’m making real progress, and Anthony has BY FAR been the biggest positive influence in that regard.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention one more BIG thing. I was one of the biggest offenders of program hopping. There are soooo many resources out there, that are so different, and claim to be the best. I think I tried everything under the sun! Once I adopted Anthony’s policy to stick to a program, practice the Great Eight, and gauge my progress…things started to click!

Mike Gage

I used to be your classic skinny-fat ectomorph. My body composition was born from too many video games and too little physical activity—a lifestyle that also caused debilitating back pain for me as a teenager. I was called names. Teased. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t enjoy the way I looked.

At the end of 2008, I started exercising regularly. Training was usually three days per week with an hour of aerobic work thrown in. This exercise alone (without dietary considerations) helped with both weight loss and my back pain. But like most people, I fell into the trap of “bulking.” I got thicker, but my muscles didn’t exactly come along for the ride. Bulking didn’t go as planned.

In 2011, I fully bought into what Anthony preached, which turned out being a great decision because it worked. I started looking lean and athletic. My body felt better day by day and I lost 15kg in a relatively short time period. Every exercise I did improved. My pull-ups (that Anthony puts such high praise on) went from 3-4 reps per set to 11 reps per set.

All in all, Anthony’s perspective, and Anthony’s website helped me create not only a better body, but also a better life. I look and feel better than I ever have before.

Johannes Dee

It’s only a small exaggeration to say that Anthony saved my life because I really didn’t have much of one before. My entire life revolved around training. Working out was negatively impacting my life as it had put a strain on my finances (food, memberships, supplements etc.), my relationships with friends and family (go grab a pint? no way!), and my career because all my time and mental focus was being spent on this obsession.

But even with all of that sacrifice, I made very little noticeable gains. Everyone else worked out moderately, never followed any specific diet, and yet they were all in way better shape than me. I tried all of their routines but they didn’t work. I did every fad diet and internet program which just entered me into a cycle of constant failure and frustration. When I began working with personal trainers they attributed my lack of progress to not dieting strictly enough, not enough supplements, or that I was wasn’t pushing myself, or trying hard enough. Wrong.

I found that a problem with a lot of trainers is that many of them have been in shape their whole lives, and believe that those who are out of shape are lazy and make poor diet choices. If you have found your way here, chances are that this does not describe you. Most trainers don’t believe in body types, have no clue about frustration, failure, and the emotional weight of being embarrassed about your body.

What makes Anthony different from all the other trainers out there is that he can empathize with the skinny-fat ectomorph because he has walked in our shoes. He recognizes our struggle and truly understands what we are trying to achieve. His guidance has been both motivational and inspirational to me. The main thing that I think gives him an edge over everyone else is experience. He has been working with his own stubborn body his whole life. Not only has he figured it out for himself but he has helped many others in the same situation. This makes the likelihood of his methods working for you much greater as a good chunk of the guess work has been done. He acknowledges that we must train differently than the average person, and has solutions for our bodies’ stubborn nature.

I’ve learned about the mental aspect of training, which is often forgotten, and it has been beneficial not only to my training but in other areas of my life too. Our bodies react to stress, both physical and mental, in a different manor than the rest of the world. I still train hard and consistently but I never exceed what my body or my mind can take.

My results are that I am the best physical shape that I have ever been in. I have the lowest body fat percentage ever, greatest definition, increased flexibility, and increased aerobic endurance. I look great, feel great, and am comfortable with my shirt off. I train in a way that has become my lifestyle which means that it’s all uphill from here. I’ve finally found a method of training that is giving me real and noticeable results. I got my life back and I got the confidence that I always wanted.

Greg Keyes

Years ago, when I started training, everything I did was more or less the exact opposite of what Anthony teaches. In the few years I had been training I only made small gains relative to how much effort, time and energy I was pumping into my workouts! Before long my skinny fat body was only ever so slightly more muscular and a hell of a lot fatter. This drove me to quit working out and just giving up.

I was out of the gym for close on 4 years and had become very overweight, very weak and very very unhappy. I decided enough was enough. Doing some research lead me to a number of websites, Anthony’s being one of them. I instantly enjoyed reading his articles and the theory made sense to me. Before too long I was pumped to get started again.

I implemented his eating style, his diet tips and his training protocols. Now, a year later, I’m down 65 lbs, about 3 times stronger then when I started, and much much happier. Anthony’s help and teachings are a huge part of what got me to where I am now, and his helpful nature was very greatly appreciated.

Anthony is one of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure to talk with. He is a seriously knowledgeable man in this field and is more then happy to share it with everyone. Even if you have a specific question and email him looking for help, he will reply. This is something that is very rare in this industry, even for “Personal” trainers that you meet in person.

I owe so much to what he has thought me, its changed my life forever. I have no doubt that he can do the same for you.

Shane Carberry

I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to fully change my body composition the way I want. But one thing I know for sure – following Anthony’s advice has changed my life! It’s much simpler, healthier and relaxed, at least in terms of training and nutrition.

I used to change workout programs and nutrition strategy every 2-3 months. I was spending hundreds of hours studying all that was available about how to lose fat and gain muscles. I always hoped that next program would be the one. It all just made me hopeless.

Anthony is not a businessmen. He’s not like most of other experts who have done big internet business in fitness. I don’t have anything against it. But this guy really wants to help people, without having any kind of financial benefit for sharing his knowledge, wisdom and advice.

As former skinny-fat ectomorph there is no better person to teach by his own experience. Besides he knows a lot about the athleticism in general. Also, very important, he is gifted to transfer his knowledge in so simple and practical way that anyone can understand and immediately apply.

Finally, I know exactly what I do and why I do that particular exercise, why I do that many sets and reps, why I eat what I eat and when I eat… It’s that simple! I just regret there was no “Anthony” some 15 years ago.

Bojan Vuina

I am excited to tell you since discovering Anthony Mychal I have found the required faith that I can reach my goals. Seeing the proof with Anthony’s transformation I now know that I too can build a more muscular body. I have been primarily on the skinny side of Skinny Fat for all my life. I am now following Anthony’s recommendations found on his blog, The Skinny Fat Solution and Chaos Bulk programs. Today I am making gains not seen after over a dozen years of lifting weights. Even after religiously following another popular skinny guy 5 x 5 program for a frustrating few years. I have learned that pull-up are vital and I need to do bicep curls in order to reach my goals. I highly endorse Anthony’s recommendations and his products.

Gary Frank

Ant’s approach to strength, conditioning and nutrition is unique in that he has taken the logic and common sense of some of the best in the game and applied his own experiences and knowledge to create systems and ideas tailored towards those of us from a genetically disadvantaged background. On a personal level, Ant’s writing and guidance has finally got my training and nutrition moving forward after years of spinning my wheels. I look better than ever before, and although I have a long way to go to reach my physique and strength goals, I know that Ant’s guidance will help get me there. His ideas just make a lot of sense, and he presents them in such a way so as to make the seemingly complex easy to understand. He is also conscientious; on many occasions I have pestered him with mundane, interesting or challenging questions, and I have always received a reply. His products deliver great value for money, and if you have a question, he will answer it. What more could you want?!

Toby Griffiths

I had two big problems with my body. First, I didn’t like it. Second, I had lower back pain. Sitting in a chair all day really takes it’s toll. I thought I was helpless.

Then I found Anthony’s blog, and read The Skinny Fat Solution. Everything that Anthony teaches with The Skinny-Fat Solution helped me so much, the exercises, the nutrition guide, and even down to the way of life that he proposes.

Now I’m not only free from back pain, but I’m also happier with my body. It’s a journey and I’m just starting, but I can already tell that it will be a sweet ride. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, and I only look forward to the future. There are a lot of fitness guys who teach how to train. Only a few teach how to train in a healthy manner. And not many have the empathy of Anthony.

Jorge Rodighiero

No-Ass-to-Risk Guarantee Continued

Let’s start back from the top: My No Ass-to-Risk Guarantee is in place to prevent you from being misled or mistreated from online business malpractice.

Second, the training program makes use of barbell training. There is no alternative program, because I don’t compromise my stones (what I feel works best) to appease others. In order to introduce those unfamiliar, I created the “Dissecting the Great Eight,” “Perfecting the Pull-up,” and “Leveling Up the Upper Chest” guides to truly turn over everything I program. It’s fully comprehensive.

The nutrition protocol makes use of intermittent fasting, which is going for prolonged times without food. The best way to think of intermittent fasting: it’s a nutrition strategy that has you skip breakfast and eat lighter through out the day.

In regard to typical results, I always give the same disclaimer with any digital product: One of two things will happen when you buy my products. Either A: You might buy it and never use it. You might even return it because you’re too lazy to use it, read it, or value what’s inside. Or B: you’ll get it, follow through with the plan, learn something new about yourself, and see the resultant knowledge shine through with improvements in your body or life. Things with the body take hard work. If you’re willing to chip in your share you won’t be disappointed.

If you want to purchase any of these guides alone, or if you have any questions…

|| anthony -at- anthonymychal.com ||

Email me. I’m a human, so I understand if you have any questions. And yes, I’ll personally respond.

0 notes

bicyclehobo · 5 years ago

Photo

I have preserved almost 100% of my initial "Bicycle Touring" related articles from my old site. I am looking to be a little more well rounded in my bicycle focus moving forward...I'll certainly focus on touring but you will probably see more info around commuting, maintenance, industry, and geral bicycle stuff.

Have a look at my legacy bicycle touring articles:

Finding a Good Bicycle Touring Frame

Bicycle tours begin with the right bicycle touring frame. Consider geometry, compatibility, fit, function, and material to pick right bicycle touring frame.

In another article I suggest using any bicycle for bicycle touring. You don’t need a special bike to tour on; however, if you really want to limit the hassle of the “daily workaround” there are criteria that makes a bicycle frame a good bicycle touring frame.

Buying Used Bicycles is Easy

I am a big believer in buying used bicycles. The last time I bought a new bicycle was in 1991 while working as a mechanic/sales person at a Cannondale shop. I sold the bike to myself. Since then I have been buying used bicycles on ebay, craigslist, and at garage sales.

Dynamo Chargers Outside of the Hub

Dynamo chargers don’t have reside in the hub. Let’s look at some new designs of bicycle dynamo chargers that mount on the bicycle. All of the dynamo chargers in this review are not hub dynamo chargers. I am not against using a hub dynamo charger. I love my current set of wheels and am not open to any changes to accommodate any hub dynamo chargers. So what are the new developments in non hub dynamo chargers.

Bicycle Touring Toolkit

The proper bicycle touring toolkit depends on a number of factors. Am I riding in a group? What type of terrain am I covering? Will there be bicycle shops nearby? A group of bicycle tourists can spread out an extensive bicycle touring toolkit across their panniers quite easily. Credit card bicycle tourists on established routes can get away with a spartan bicycle touring toolkit. Solo remote adventure cyclists may need to carry more or are able to get by with less than a fully operational bicycle. What do you use?

Thermarest Mattress Repair

I am in need of Thermarest mattress repair. My prolite has sprung a leak. I searched around and found several guides on how to affect the repair myself but also saw that I could send the mattress back to Thermarest for repair. I have never had a Thermarest leak before and am a big believer in the Prolite model and the Thermarest brand. I promote the Thermarest brand throughout this site. This was a good opportunity to see if a company I go out of my way to use and promote would get behind me the customer.

Bicycle Touring Equipment Distribution

Bicycle touring equipment distribution or how I place my gear across my bike to ensure that I have a balanced center of gravity, oft used items are easily available, and items that are used together are grouped together.

I’ve got three boxes of bicycle touring equipment and I need to start deciding what will go on my next adventure. This is a painstaking process of packing up, test riding, unpacking, repacking, more test riding, until I am comfortable with my bicycle touring equipment distribution.

Bicycle Touring Stretching Warmup

My bicycle touring stretching warmup begins in my sleeping bag, progresses as I break camp and extends into my first ten to fifteen minutes on the bike. I follow up a good thorough stretch by hitting a low gear and spinning my legs for another ten minutes. I don’t waste any time as every stretch is geared toward getting on the road. It makes getting started on a rainy or chilly mornings a little easier.

Shimano XT Thumb Shifters

Shimano XT Thumb Shifters are perhaps the finest bicycle component ever engineered. For the bicycle tourist riding a mountain bike style bar Shimano XT Thumb Shifters offer the perfect blend of functionality, reliability, adaptability, and ease of use.

Best Touring Bicycle Ever

I see a lot of questions on different sites with people asking ‘What is the best touring bicycle?’ or ‘Can I use this bicycle to tour on?’ The best touring bicycle exists only as an idea. I tour on a bicycle that is NOT the “best touring bicycle”. A good deal of experienced bicycle tourers might think of it as a poor choice. In my eyes the best touring bicycle is more about you the bicycle tourist and not the bicycle. So what is the best touring bicycle? You may already own it.

Publishing Outdoor Adventures

How do you capture edit and begin publishing outdoor adventures? Things are changing so quickly that I often lock into a ‘mobile publishing solution’ on one day and abandon the idea the next day. I’m certain that I want to be capturing media and publishing to my site, maybe write a book, and/or create a film. How will I capture, store, and power the assets while on the road? How will you be publishing outdoor adventures?

I’m not flying in the wind on this subject. I have done this before. At least I have tried to do it. I met with some success and a great amount of failure. I have a positive mindset and some ‘working knowledge’ this time around. I know exactly what I failed to consider last time. Publishing outdoor adventures is combination of your publishing device, power, connectivity, capture, software, media storage and how you manage them together.

Backup Media Off the Grid

How do you backup media off the grid? Storage solutions are changing almost as rapidly as the devices that use them. You are out in the woods snapping photos, shooting video, and recording time-lapses. How do you make sure you have them backed up on a storage device? Many devices record to different mediums so saving them to one or two secure backup sources needs to be thoroughly thought out.

Worst Bicycle Touring Product Ever

I give you the Kamp-Rite Midget Bushtrekka Bicycle Camper Trailer with Oversize Tent Cot complete in its lunacy and available for purchase at Amazon.com. This is the worst bicycle touring product ever conceived because of its weight, complexity, and inability to solve any problems.

iOS vs Android Mobile Publishing

Utilizing iOS or Android for mobile publishing helps to keep my tour kit light and powerful. Having almost the power of a laptop in device that is comparable in size to a cassette tape is one of the biggest ways bicycle touring has changed for me over the years.

Connectivity Off The Grid

Connectivity off the grid is hard to maintain. If you think your device will stay connected while bicycle touring, hiking, or camping in the most scenic, tranquil, important, and distant reaches you are mistaken. If you venture far enough away from it all you will drop connectivity during your adventure. This is not a problem it is a ‘feature’ of adventuring.

Charging Electronics Off The Grid

Charging electronics off the grid is as much about your approach as it is about the equipment. I desire to find myself in unpopulated areas where charging electronics via a wall outlet is impossible. I need generate my own power for charging electronics off the grid. I accept this. The best method for charging electronics off the grid right now are solar chargers, cache batteries, and dynamos.

Bicycle Touring Camera Selection

The perfect bicycle touring camera doesn’t exist. We all have different tastes, needs, and mediums we publish in. I have learned a great deal since my first tour and cameras have changed quite a bit in size, function, and capability. What hasn’t changed is that you still need to carry, power, protect, capture, store, and output your media. I cannot tell you what the perfect bicycle touring camera is for your tour. I can outline the criteria I am using in selecting the bicycle touring camera set up I will use.

Bicycle Touring Motivation

I wrote this list for me but have decided to share it with everyone. We may not be in full agreement on all of these but I bet that more than a few will make you wax poetic on bicycle touring or possibly give you the itch to get back on the road. I write them as I get excited for my upcoming tour, and read them when my planning hits a brick wall. I give you bicycle touring motivation: 50 reasons to Bicycle Tour.

Bicycle Touring Equipment Recommendations

Bicycle touring equipment that I need on a bicycle tour. I have crossed the United States three times and have learned more than a few lessons. Sometimes I skimp and get stuff from a thrift store and then there are times when I bite the bullet and buy direct from retail/adventure stores. If you are going on a bicycle tour you need this equipment!

Thrift Store Adventure Gear

My favorite outdoor outfitter is by far Goodwill Thrift Stores with The Salvation Army coming in at close second. I’m lucky as I live in NYC and have 2 very active Goodwill and 1 Salvation Army Thrift stores in between my home and work. I find so much high quality thrift store adventure gear that I can be picky about what I decide to add to my kit. Let’s look at what I found over the past month in three visits.

Mother Nature and Exposure

Exposure is a killer. You are rarely aware of it until it ups the stress level and smacks you in the face. It is where there is no hiding from Mother Nature and Exposure. The funny part is she usually appears at that point in the trip that you have sought out the most. The killer mountain view overlooking the valley, the desert landscape out of Lawrence of Arabia, or maybe the ridge you just climbed. Just when you get to that place where you want to take it all in, pop out the camera and start snapping photos, mother nature and exposure enter into the picture when you are the most vulnerable. You hear about it all the time but what exactly is exposure?

Bicycle Touring Online

Ok…so I’m not on tour. How do I keep my bicycle touring chops sharp and in touch. Where do I read about the latest gear and get feedback on what works and what doesn’t? Where do I spend the hours, minutes, and seconds I should be riding online reading about bicycle touring?

NOTE: I would love any suggestions of sites to add to this short list. These are not ranked in order. These are my bicycle touring online destinations:

Sell Everything You Own On Ebay

Sell everything you own on ebay before you leave on your next adventure. The first step in a successful tour is getting rid of all my ‘crap’. Fortunately I have done this before and have made the mental note of not accumulating too much ‘crap’. Storage is a dirty word in my book and there is no such thing as sentimental value. Downsize the crap, lose the clutter, simplify your life, cut your fixed costs that need to be maintained while adventuring and spend the money on better gear.

Rei Minimalist Bivy Sack Review

I purchased the REI Minimalist Bivy Sack in Boulder Colorado mid tour on my last cross country ride. It was one of those sales at REI and my sleeping bag needed replacing badly. I picked up a cheap summer bag and noticed the bivy marked down from $89 to $59. I don’t know why it was marked down. I gave it a quick once over and it seemed to be in perfect condition. MINE!

Bicycles Prohibited Signs

icycles Prohibited signs used to rub me the wrong way but they exist for very good reasons. As per ‘Me’ I had to learn this the hard way. I have no excuse to offer here, I just wanted to share my experience and own up to something stupid I did.

Luci vs Luminaid: Solar Light Showdown

I saw mpowerd.com’s Luci solar powered light on a gadget site and instantly made the purchase. Small pack size and internal solar power would make for the perfect tent light. After purchasing I saw someone had commented on LuminAid’s entry into the same market and I also had to have it….ok…here it is: Luci vs Luminaid.

Eureka Backcountry 1 Review

The Eureka Backcountry 1 is a freestanding, 1 person, double wall, tent that assembles in minutes, and boasts a roomy interior. When I say freestanding I do mean “truly freestanding”. You can completely erect this tent without using any stakes or guidelines.

BikePacking Feedbags DIY Cheap!

Cheap bikepacking feedbags can be yours for less than $17. A bunch of new companies are changing how we carry gear when bicycle touring. I am a huge fan of some of these methods and look forward to incorporating them into my bicycle touring set up.

Thermarest Old School vs New School

Thermarest Old School vs New School was a difficult decision for me. I spend a good deal of time lusting after new equipment online. When I saw that Cascade Designs, maker of Thermarest sleeping pads, modified their Neo Air line, trimming the corners, to fit into a mummy shaped bivy, I penciled it in as a goto piece of gear for my next trip; however, I’m not so sure anymore.

When Your Bicycle Tour Becomes A Nightmare

Sometimes the trip of a lifetime can seem like a series of bad decisions. When either 'the Rider’ or 'the Equipment’ cannot outperform the challenge your bicycle tour becomes a nightmare.

I’m sitting here planning my upcoming tour and all of my thinking reflects perfect conditions and equipment that works but I know that all kinds of things are going to go wrong: equipment failure, getting lost, body fatigue, injury, wildlife issues, and issues with humans. Limiting these disasters keep you sharp and go a long way in preventing when your bicycle tour becomes a nightmare.

How Much Does It Cost to Bicycle Tour

How much does it cost to bicycle tour? On all the 'Bicycle Touring’ sites I visit there is always a question about the costs associated with bicycle touring. What is the cost? What is your daily budget? How do you get the time?

Lately I am seeing a lot of questions that revolve around sites like 'kickstarter’ where people are actually attempting to have others 'fund’ their tour. This post is not about that. I am simply breaking down the costs of touring into three verticals that I can then plan around and price out.

How much does it cost to bicycle tour?

My time is worth BILLIONS!

When I tell people I am planning a bicycle tour that could take 'years’ the first reaction is usually: 'How can you afford to do this?’

Kayak + Bike = ATV

This past summer I headed up into the wilds of Upstate NY for a weeklong fishing trip / bachelor party. While cycling wasn’t on the menu, I was there to send off a long time cycling buddy who has ridden across the country with me twice. I picked up a $98.00 cheap inflatable kayak to make sure that everyone had a spot in a boat. I was very impressed with the kayak and have been looking for a way to incorporate one into my adventure gear.

The Meditation that is Bicycle Touring

When people ask me “why I bicycle tour?” I often cannot articulate a satisfactory answer. If you are a bicycle tourist or endurance athlete: marathons, triathalons, rock climber, whatever…perhaps you can understand this.

If It Touches The Bike It’s Going To Hurt – Hands, Feet, and Butt

My first tour was on a super stiff aluminum frame with an equally stiff aluminum fork using worn out bar tape on set of Michelin Highlight Super Comp 700c x 20mm tires. I didn’t wear gloves. It destroyed my hands inside of eight days. I still feel the effects 14 years later. Pay particular attention to the equipment that interfaces your body to your bicycle. Hands, feet, and your butt all make contact with the bike and need to be protected to have a successful tour.

Dispersed Camping

This campsite in the photo was a welcome one. I had just climbed up and out of the desert from Phoenix and into the mountains near Payson, Arizona. The day started in a beautiful ‘cactus forest’ desert at an elevation of 1,140 feet and ended in a much cooler piney mountain landscape at 5000 feet. Located at the base of the Mongolian Rim and well inside the Tonto Natural Bridge State Park. Free Dispersed Camping near Pine, Arizona.

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Electricity on a Bicycle Tour

On my last tour I employed a Brunton Explorer foldable compact solar panel charger and back up battery to keep my smartphone, camera, and hardrive charged. I was able to stay powered up throughout my trip and never once was without power for my media kit. The downfall was that T-Mobile seemingly had no service from Phoenix, AZ until I neared Denver, CO, perhaps the best part of my trip. I was able to capture media but had to rely on wifi to publish in many places throughout my trip.

Post Bicycle Tour Depression – PBTD

Perhaps you know what I’m talking about. You spend years dreaming about your next tour and finally a window opens up. You spend hours at the computer accessing the best routes. You identify all of the areas where you will be away from services. You work on the bike nonstop to get it perfect. You are constantly playing with your gear set up, buying new gear, selling old gear, and then adjusting how you place it on the bike. This goes on for months. Once you are all set you dive into making all of the travel arrangements to get to your launch point. You pack everything you will need for the upcoming trek in a cardboard box and ship it or bring it on a plane with you. Finally it’s day one of your tour. Finally after months or years of prep you are on your way, but the bike ride is only a small slice of how a tour comes off.

Making the Switch to Bikepacking Bags

I have been on three tours and each time I return home with a list of items I will not be taking on my next trip. My last trip was a little over a year ago and I am reviewing in preparation for an upcoming trip. Not unlike my previous preparatory stages I am trying to lose some equipment. I will be shedding the racks and pannier bags on my upcoming trip. I have seen a lot of upstart companies that produce a new type of bicycle bag. No racks are needed and they offer a more streamlined form factor. They refer to these bags as “Bikepacking” bags. The BicycleHobo is making the conversion to a bikepacker.

1994 Specialized S-Works M2

I am the proud owner of a 1994 specialized s-works m2. This thing is a stumpjumper on steroids. I can remember when Mountain Bike Action had this plastered on the cover with a full two photo spread inside. I lusted after it then and I jumped at the chance to grab this off Ebay for $800. History of the 1994 specialized s-works m2

Specialized Future Shock

In 1990’s Specialized looked at the work Rock Shox was doing and reached out to them to build a the Specialized Future Shock. This is a ‘Specialized’ branded version of the Mag 21 SL that would eventually be mated to a Metal Matrix compound frame called M2. I can remember staring at this bicycle fork for hours on end in all of the MTB magazines. It was so special that our local Specialized Bike Shop didn’t get a window model. Travel is up to 2.5″ and has negative springs with with carbon fiber stanchions, alloy steerer, alloy drop outs and titanium hardware ($650 retail). This is not your average touring fork, in fact many may think this is a foolish choice. The Specialized Future Shock is perhaps one of the nicest looking forks ever created.

Bivy Sack Personality

Every since I was a young boy I have slept with the covers pulled up and over my head. Completely covered by the blanket. When I am unable to do this I often position a pillow so it covers the top of my head all the way to the tip of my nose so that just my nose and mouth are exposed. I have no explanation for this and have been derided by every single girlfriend who was witness to this behavior. Sleeping in a bivy sack comes quite naturally to me.

Stealth Camping

Stealth camping is finding a free, usually illegal, always inconspicuous campsite, spending the night and leaving without being noticed. Questions on forums abound on the practice of finding a free camping spot. It’s usually called stealth, ninja, hobo, guerrilla, urban, vagabond, whatever camping. People talk about it’s morality, legality, practise, and execution. I have successfully stealth camped 100’s of times in many different conditions. I’m fairly adept at it because I am usually very prepared with equipment on a bike trip. There are people who make a life out of stealth camping and spend every night for years this way.

Hygiene on

#bicycle touring #bicycle

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raepritewrites · 7 years ago

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More fanfiction nobody asked for

this is a personal project ive been working on for a few months now. its not much but id love to have feedback! thanks guys, enjoy! ^_^

This is Not a Love Story

Why is it we can’t always remember when something important happens?

I can tell you the date and time of my birth (thanks mom, but, too much). I know when my parents got married. I know that Thanksgiving falls on the last Thursday of November… yet, I can’t tell you when things changed. Just that they did. One minute, my world looked a certain way, the next everything was different. One minute, there’s a person. Then suddenly she’s a girl. A cute girl. A sexy girl. A girl I like.

And then things change again.

Offhand, I can’t remember when we met. Not exactly. Probably at a party, one of the many that Quinn threw together and I somewhat reluctantly joined in on. It was hard not to, seeing it was at my house. Well, our house – me, Quinn, Todd, and Ben, we all roomed together at the time. At first, it was Quinn and this guy Frank and the others at the house. Then Frank got married, and I needed some new scenery – that didn’t involve my parents – and Quinn offered me the spare bedroom.

It made sense, in a weird way, to all room together. I’m pretty sure Quinn could have afforded to rent the house on his own, but he’s one of those guys that thrives on people. I think if you stuck him on a deserted island, he’d die of loneliness before he ever ran out of coconuts.

For Todd, it was a matter of independence – not really him declaring it, as much as his parents forcing it upon him. He wasn’t so bad, as far as roommates go, but I learned quickly not to ever rely on him to clean… or cook… or shop for groceries… or really do anything particularly useful. He hardly ever came out of his room, except to go to work and eat, and whenever there were people over he never hung out with us. It was kind of like being roommates with a ghost. A ghost who drank orange juice straight out of the carton and then put it back.

Ben was somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. Not super social, but not a recluse. I’ve been informed – subtly and not so much – that I’m a bit of a nerd and a geek. Fair enough, but I don’t think those people have seen Ben in action. Ben took everything to the next level. He’s played more rpgs, more video games, and went to more cons than anyone I know. In thirty years, I picture him as the comic book store guy from the Simpsons, though hopefully with less jaundice.

I’m sure you’re wondering where I fit into all this. Let’s just say, I was voluntarily seeking independence, desiring a little more social interactions, drinking O.J. out of a glass like a normal person, and improving my skills in Dungeons & Dragons.

Now it’s just Ben, his girlfriend, Cassie, and me rooming together, while everyone else has moved on. But that’s not what this story is about. Honestly, I don’t know what it’s about. I guess… when you get right down to it, it’s about her.

So, there was a party, or several parties, and there I was. There she was. And it didn’t mean a thing. Because I didn’t notice her. I mean, we were friends, casual friends, but that was it. Looking back, I don’t know how I ever could have missed her. I chalk it up to being the type of guy who doesn’t notice jailbait (she was younger than me). It’s one of my better qualities, if I do say so myself.

She and her sister were old friends with Quinn, because everyone is old friends with Quinn, and they ended up at our house a lot. We mostly just hung around talking, or playing pool, or occasionally pulling out the Risk boards to try to conquer the world for as long as we could. What I remember from those nights, mostly, was her sister Victoria.

Victoria and her sister, Ava, were a lot alike. Both short, both fair, though Victoria was tanner. They were both funny, and both friendly. They even looked similar. Blondes, though Victoria was dirty blonde and Ava was ash blonde. Round faces, small mouths, and button noses. You only saw the differences between them if you paid attention. Victoria was athletic, cool, and unreadable. She was nice to everyone, but she played her cards close to the chest, and you never could tell exactly what she was thinking.

Ava wasn’t an open book, exactly. There was always some small, secret smile hiding at the corner of her mouth. But ninety percent of the time, one look at her face could tell you almost everything. She was curvier, more sarcastic, and opinionated. Even back then, I knew she didn’t hold back. Whatever she thought of you, she could sum it up in one word, or one smirk. That’s not to say she was mean, or at least, she didn’t try to be. It was nice that someone finally said what they were thinking, it took the guesswork out of everything.

I’m not sure when I started to pay more attention to her. As time went on, Victoria and Ava were always around, hanging out with us. They became kind of a unit – it was weird when you didn’t see both of them together, like they were missing their arm. They weren’t very close in age. Victoria was about five years older, I think, but it hardly showed. Victoria was a little immature for her age, Ava was more grownup so they balanced each other out.

As time went on though, Victoria found other social groups and we didn’t see her as much. Ava still came though, for the parties and the game nights. We’d ask where Victoria was on those nights when Ava appeared alone at the door, but all Ava would ever say was she was out somewhere else. Had other plans. Sorry, couldn’t make it. Next time, honest.

I guess it was at that point that I started to really pay attention to Ava.

Around Victoria, she had always seemed a little muted, like Victoria did enough of the joking and laughing and talking for both of them. Or like she didn’t feel the need to interact much when Victoria supposedly had it covered.

Underneath the affection they shared, there was a faint tenseness to their relationship. You’d never pick up on it unless you were hanging around them for as long as I did.

Victoria liked to ‘rein in’ her sister’s sarcastic jokes; she’d shoot her a look whenever she felt that Ava was getting a little too loose with her humor and her comments. “Because I’m her big sister, and it’s my job to look out for her,” I’d overheard her quietly explain this once to someone. Most of the time, Ava would back down, blushing occasionally at her own cheekiness. But sometimes, Ava would stare right back at her sister, defiant and irritated, which made Victoria back down instead.

With Victoria out wandering the world Ava-free, it was like looking at a new person entirely.

Ava laughed louder and more freely at anything she found funny when Victoria was missing, and she had a sense of humor that was both broad and obscure, dry and wet. Almost anything could make her giggle: puns, nerdy jokes, little-known references, sarcasm, and bad movies. I liked that about her.

Ava was also a giant nerd, which was even better. She loved Star Trek, cartoons, fantasy and mystery books – she even wrote fan fiction. I’d nearly lost it when she mentioned that.

“Fan fiction?” I asked in disbelief.

Ava was smiling, a little uncomfortably, and blushing bright pink. “Yeah. I started when I was eleven. I don’t write as much as I used to, but I really like it. I like taking a part of a world I know really well, and putting it back together in a way that I think works better. I love thinking of all the little in between scenes that don’t make it into a book or movie. How this, led to that. And I really love falling down the rabbit hole into the endless Wonderland of ‘what ifs’. Is that crazy?”

I thought about it. “No, not really. I’ve just never met someone in real life who does it. I thought only kids in middle school and recluses wrote fan fiction.”

“I take some offense to that,” Ava said, trying to look affronted but only succeeding in smiling. “I’ll have you know I was the most reclusive middle schooler in the world. I’m a prime candidate for being a fan fic author.”

“What kind of stories do you write? You don’t write slash, do you?”

Ava laughed now. “No! I write about superheroes, and all the reasons they get PTSD and should be in therapy. Seriously, why hasn’t Batman consulted a shrink yet? He’s got ample reason to. Mommy and Daddy issues to fill an entire wing at Arkham Asylum.”

It took a while, a long while, after Victoria floated off to other locales that I learned just what a deep well of nerddom Ava drew from.

Ava guarded her nerdiness like Smaug guarding dwarf treasure. She only made inside jokes or talked about her favorite comics with those she knew were in on the secret. I wasn’t sure why, but I always got excited when I found a new aspect of her fangirl personality. It was like discovering a new (blah blah I’ll edit this simile later) every time we talked.

I’m not much of a talker. Or a smiler, so I’m told. But when I’m with Ava, I want to laugh. She’s funny even when she’s not trying to be.

#fanfiction #personal #rae writes #rae prite writes #this is not a love story #thoughts #critique #read and review #dont hold back #thanks for reading

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monstersinthecosmos · 7 years ago

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8,9

(Writing asks! If you wanna ask any or rebagel!)

08: What’s the best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten?

Not that I don’t appreciate any teeny bit of feedback, but I really love when people go into detail about what they liked or how it made them feel. Fanfic culture is such that people don’t generally offer critique unless invited to do so, but getting feedback where it’s completely just gushing over everything can still be really useful cause you can look to see if certain points landed the way you wanted them to or if people even noticed something you tucked in. Back in the day on LJ it was really easy to leave huge huge comments cause people would literally copy & paste the bits they liked into the comment and make bulletpoints. You can do that on AO3 too but so many people read on their phones nowadays I think it’s just way too much work. But I recall back in the day in my old fic community on LJ I had people who would dissect my work and bulletpoint all the stuff they liked and it really helped me learn how to play to my strengths and also gave me the confidence boost to keep writing.

Anyway if you wanna get specific, @remarried left this comment on one of my fics and I reread it sometimes when I’m feeling unsure of myself LOL. ;.;

09: What’s the worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten?

I wrote one (1) Resident Evil fanfic in high school and at the time my best friend and I each had an RE fic that we were writing for each other, and we had a falling out and one her friends came and left me like an 800 word flame on FF.net just shredding my fic to pieces and telling me what an idiot I was LOL. And like, you get shitty trolls and flames on the internet sometimes, but it was SO vicious and went into so much detail about everything I got wrong, everything that was too dramatic or out-of-character, and I was so hurt and embarrassed that I immediately deleted the story off FF.net, and then deleted it off my computer, and then threw out the notebook I’d been writing it in. D: It was super hurtful cause like the way aforementioned friend went after me when we were fighting were always these petty jabs at my writing because I guess she knew it was something I cared about, and I could see through it for the most part and it didn’t really get to me, but then her friend did that to me, and then went and left her a comment on the fic she’d been writing for me and said something like “God I needed to read this, I just read a fic that made me want to pour bleach in my eyes.” :( And tbh I never wrote RE again even though it’s like one of my favorite things in the world BAWWWWW.

idk if that counts as “worst piece” cause like, idk! I guess there might have been some truth in it and I think I did learn from the experience, but it was like SO MEAN LOL. ;.; I was like fucking 15 leave me alone LOL.

And like, yknow, 14 years & a photography degree later I can say I’m no stranger to being critiqued, and I can take it, like just last week my boss screen-shared one of my galleries with me over Skype and pointed out everything I did wrong LOL, but the conversation wasn’t “UR WHITE BALANCE IS OFF, WOW YOU ARE TERRIBLE LOL KILL URSELF”, it was constructive like “Your white balance is looking a little off, try to calibrate your screen and maybe if you’re having trouble bring a gray card with you, but other than that it’s looking pretty good!” Being critiqued and getting feedback is part of the creative process and part of growing and improving at your craft, but good feedback is not someone putting your work through a shredder and making you feel completely worthless, it should be positive enough that you leave the conversation feeling inspired to work on it and not feeling like you need to delete your FF.net profile and throw yourself out the window.

AND ANYWAY, VALUABLE LESSON: Sometimes bad/hurtful feedback is a great learning experience because as a creative person, no matter what you’re doing, you have to learn when to take someone’s opinion seriously and when not to. You have to learn to ignore bad feedback, whether it’s because the person is a douche and/or doesn’t know what they’re talking about, or because sometimes your craft is subjective and ultimately it’s up to you to make the decisions. Sometimes you have to trust your instincts and not everyone is going to like everything you create and that’s okay. You aren’t making shit for them, you’re making it for you.

#oh my an anon!#answered #writing!#fic #monstersinthecosmos's dark history #IT'S FUNNY SAID FORMER BFF STILL WRITES FANFIC TOO #i used to see the girl who flamed me around LJ for years #and she didn't know it was me #and i was so mortified every time i saw her name and we had so many mutual friends #and everyone swore she was the nicest person #and i wanted to cry every time i saw her around lol #yikes #OW SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET HURT MY FEELINGS LOL

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theresawelchy · 6 years ago

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6 Key SaaS Email Sequences to Convert, Engage & Retain Users

The content of this post is part of our upcoming SaaS Email Masterclass launching in March 2019. Sign up today for early access.

The happy path in SaaS is pretty consistent from one business to the next:

Users signup. They go through product value discovery. They’re either convinced of the value of the product, or not. If they are, they upgrade, they’re retained, and hopefully, recommend the product. If they’re not, they cancel their subscriptions and move on to find a product that best meets their needs.

Now, whether your business is B2B or B2C, you’re the one creating the user account or users are, they pay before using the product, after a trial, or they upgrade on their own terms via a freemium model, there will be a few important milestones you want to track:

Signup: the initial account creation;

Activation: the Aha moment when the user or customer perceives the product as valuable;

Conversion: when the user agrees to swipe his/her credit card and purchase the product;

Re-Purchase or Retention: when the customer willingly pays for a second/third/fourth/… month or year of subscription;

Referral: when a user or customer agrees to refer your product to another prospect.

Your role as a SaaS marketer is to help speed up transition from one milestone to the next.

Your email marketing platform will be one of your greatest assets for this.

Email is one of the best channels to help build relationships, bring users back into your product, and influence behaviors.

Because of the different milestones, you’ll need different email sequences which, in turn, will need different tones, targeting, and emails.

Let’s look at the 6 key email sequences your SaaS business needs, and how to handle those sequences specifically:

1. Lead Nurturing Email Sequences

Do you capture email addresses prior to signup?

Maybe you have a newsletter, a pre-launch list, or you’re using conversational marketing to capture and qualify sales leads.

If you do, the goal of your first sequence will be to convince these subscribers of the value of your product and build up their desire to signup for your product.

For this sequence, you have to strike a balance between what your subscribers actually signed up for (content updates, a demo, other) and product promotion.

The tone for this sequence will be laid back and casual; you can’t be overly-pushy here.

Key emails will be your email sequence’s welcome email and your (eventual) ask to signup to try and use your product.

This sequence can be viewed more as a nurturing sequence, building product value over time.

Here’s how we approach the welcome email at Highlights:

Highlights – Lead Nurturing Welcome Email

Note how the email begins establishing product value ( 1) content analysis, 2) figuring out what really works). ☝️

2. Onboarding Email Sequences

From Signup or Account Creation to Activation, your goal will be to establish product value and get users to their desired outcomes; what they’re trying to achieve with your product.

We already wrote an extensive guide on SaaS onboarding emails explaining how onboarding has a disproportionate impact on retention and trial conversions.

For onboarding emails, the tone should often be more informational and matter-of-fact. At this stage, things are going well (happy path!), users are in the process of discovering the product at their own paces.

Onboarding emails are about product discovery, overcoming objections, and getting users back in the product, so that they can experience the product value (see how MailChimp does it).

Key emails will be your product’s welcome email and the first few onboarding emails.

Not only will these emails get opened more than any others (novelty!), they’ll help ride out initial signup momentum.

Chances are that if users delay in getting started with the product, they won’t get around to using it. Ever… 😢

Because of this, you’ll also need to plan for the users that don’t activate.

No matter how great your product is, it is very likely that 40-60% of your free trial users never see the product a second time.– Samuel Hulick, The Elements of User Onboarding Author

3. Upgrade or Conversion Email Sequences

Now, whether your product is freemium or has a free trial, it’s a good idea to try to upgrade users. Many SaaS businesses actually don’t do this and it hurts their conversion rates. Some users will actually upgrade just because you ask.

Your key email for this sequence will be the upgrade email. This email can be a bit more pushy or salesy to help close the sale.

The goal here is to confirm that they value your product, remind them of the value they’re getting out of it, and capitalize on activation momentum (if they did activate).

This sequence doesn’t have to end at the upgrade email. If users don’t convert and elect to stay on a free plan, you can use email to provide more reasons to upgrade via value expansion emails:

‘Our product also does X!’ ‘It can be useful for Y!’

If rebuilding the perceived value of the product works out, it’s often a good idea to try another upsell, coming at it from a different angle.

4. Retention Email Sequences

When users convert, they become subscribers. To make sure that they agree to remain subscribers and re-purchase your SaaS product month-to-month or year-to-year, you’ll definitely want to remind them of the value they’re receiving from their subscription.

Your retention email sequence can technically last forever.

Because of this, it needs a different tone and strategy; you’re dealing with your VIPs, the people paying the bills for your business.

Although the goal of the sequence can vary depending on your business objectives (pure retention, expansion revenue, referral, feature discovery, etc), the key goal for this email sequence will always be retention and re-purchase.

No retention = No subscribers

You can influence re-purchase by showcasing more or new value in the product, or by reminding subscribers of the value they’re already getting from their subscriptions.

TextExpander, does this very effectively. Each month, they tell me how much time I’ve saved using their product:

TextExpander – Monthly Summary Email

Depending how much I value my time ($$), saving 57 minutes per month definitely tells me that the $20 per year I pay for their product is money well spent.

Alternatively, you can also increase retention by bumping monthly subscribers to yearly subscriptions.

If your subscribers are engaged and are getting value out of your product, this can be a no-brainer.

Podia, the platform I use for the SaaS Email Masterclass, does this very well:

Podia – Yearly Retention Upsell

This email doesn’t need to do hard sell. It simply tells users how much money a yearly subscription will save them and reduces friction by telling them how easy it is to change their plan.

Bumping monthly subscribers to yearly plans gives you money upfront and increases customer lifetime duration. It’s all good. 👍

5. Expansion Email Sequences

Negative churn is the Holy Grail of SaaS. If you can grow your business without signing any new customers you are untouchable.– David Cummings, Serial Entrepreneur

In SaaS, any revenue generated in excess of the initial subscription sales price is considered expansion revenue.

Expansion revenue can compensate for churned subscriptions, which can lead to negative churn, when new revenue from existing subscribers exceeds loss subscription revenue.

Depending on your subscription’s value metrics – pricing dimension or pricing axis – email can help you grow expansion revenue.

A good way to do this is to look at your subscribers’ consumption.

When a subscriber’s consumption is within 20% of maxing out a key value metric (user seats, feature usage, transaction amount, etc), you can send an email with an offer to upgrade to a more appropriate plan or billing cycle:

Zapier leverages this strategy very effectively:

Zapier – Task Limit Upsell Email

You can offer a discount to help smooth out the transition.

If a subscriber can anticipate greater needs for your product in their organization, they’ll be tempted to upgrade in anticipation.

This can help simplify their work and maybe save them a little bit of money.

6. Referral Email Sequences

Lastly, your referral email sequence will probably get sent in parallel of other email sequences.

To successfully get referrals, you’ll want to run a Net Promoter Score survey; a standardized survey designed to help assess how likely users or subscribers are to recommend your product.

Based on the scores (0 to 10), you’ll be able to discover which of your users are Promoters, Passives, or Detractors.

Asking Promoters (Scores of 9 and 10) to review your business, refer your product, or join an affiliate program can help fuel fresh acquisition for your business.

Since you’ll be contacting your fans, your emails’ tone will need to be more casual and appreciative.

Key emails will be your NPS Survey email and the followup ask for your Promoters.

If some of your freemium users show signs of engagement, you can also ask them for referrals. This can be a good way to extract more value out of your free tier.

What About The Other Email Sequences?

Although you’ll probably end up expanding your email program past these 6 sequences with… reactivation, feedback, or nurturing email sequences, the above sequences are the foundations of your SaaS email program.

Start with these sequences and emails, evaluate the added impact of the sequences, and expand from there.

In the SaaS Email Masterclass we’ll look at prioritization within (and among) email sequences. We’ll also dive deeper in the creation of the email series.

DataTau published first on DataTau

#Technology #Finance

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how-could-i-do-this · 8 years ago

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The Heart is Developed (Jasmine x Reader)

Pairing: Jasmine Cephas Jones x Reader

Summary: Your brother’s wedding is approaching and you have no one to go with. (I know, it’s cliche. I live for it.)

A/N: I wrote a lot of this on a plane. I don’t think that’s relevant, but there you go.

You tugged on the hem of your skirt nervously.

"Is this too short?"

Jas looked up from her laptop, spread out on your bed. She spent a lot of time there, though not in the capacity you would've liked. You often did work together, taking breaks to answer her fans on twitter. Even though she was performing in Hamilton every day she was always looking for new pieces and ways to grow her repertoire, and she treated you to private performances when she needed feedback.

"What's the occasion?"

"My brother's wedding."

"Your brother is getting married? When?"

"Next weekend."

"That's soon. Why haven't you mentioned it before?"

You busied yourself with another dress you were considering, trying to avoid giving an explanation. Jas wouldn't look away, a worried expression crossing her face.

"Is it his fiancé? Do you not like them?"

"No. They're great." You took a deep breath. "My brother invited Lisa, and I'm not ready to see her."

Jas shook her head. "That's really inconsiderate. It's only been a couple months."

"I remember." Jas had been there for you, cooking dinners and leaving them in the fridge, sitting with you when you needed to cry, pushing you to go outside and get fresh air when she knew you had been sitting around all day.

It was almost worse that Lisa had broken up with you so kindly. Her new job meant that she had almost no free time. She still loved you, she had said, but your interests had just diverged too much. You couldn't find it in yourself to hate her. Maybe it was better that way.

"Apparently she's bringing someone," you added quietly.

"That's soon."

"Yeah. I want to enjoy the wedding, I really do. But..." You waved your hands around, at a loss for words.

"I get it." She looked to be deep in thought.

You pulled on another dress, fumbling with the zipper. Jas got up to help, her fingers brushing against the skin of your back as she tugged the fabric back into place. Little sparks erupted where she had touched you, and you tried not to shiver. You forced yourself to breathe normally. Jas was beautiful, funny, talented- everything you wanted. But she was your friend, and you didn't want to ruin anything.

"I'll go with you." Her breath was on your neck. You looked quickly to the mirror. She was smiling mischievously.

"Don't pity me, Jas. I can handle being alone."

She waved your protests away. "I know you can. But I'm a great girlfriend, even if it's just for show. I win over parents like that," she said, snapping her fingers.

“Who said you were going to be my girlfriend?"

"I did. Lisa will realize that you have forgotten all about her when she sees us together.” She flipped her hair dramatically and you laughed, trying to cover the blush you felt spreading across your cheeks.

Jas grabbed a different dress from your closet, practically shoving it in your face. “This is the one. I already know what I’m wearing. We’re going to kill it.”

You tried to protest one last time. “You should know that he’s getting married in Maine. You’d need to get a plane ticket, miss the show-”

She cut you off. "Shut up. I'm coming with you." She handed you your phone. "Call Barry and tell him right now you have a plus one."

You spent a lot of time the following week at the theatre, hanging out with the cast. Jas was committed to convincing the world of your relationship, so she made a point to post photos of you together online every day. It worked. Your twitter mentions went through the roof, and some people even recognized you on the street.

Jas had decided to fly out with you on Thursday, which meant she was going to miss four shows. Her understudy was thrilled. She beamed whenever she saw you in Jas’ dressing room, giving you the thumbs up when she passed by.

The lodge Barry and Eden had chosen was ideal- the wedding would take place in the evening, outside overlooking a beautiful harbor. Eden’s best friend was an event planner and had had everything set to go for several months. You offered to help when you arrived but found that there was nothing to do. You and Jas headed into town on the recommendation of the concierge, and found a tiny waterfront Italian restaurant. It was full of couples, but you didn’t feel out of place. In fact, you and Jas fit in just fine. Because of your friendship closeness came naturally, and the low lighting meant that no one could see you flush when Jas’ hand would brush against yours.

“How do you handle it?” you asked her through a mouthful of pasta, trying to change the subject.

“Handle what?”

“Everyone knowing who you are. I mean, I can barely keep up with a few friends. You get stopped wherever you go, asked for photos, all that stuff. And you still go online, have a life, and make time for me.” You gestured around, trying to convey how strange it still seemed that she was here with you.

She leaned in, her face illuminated by the candles between you. “Spending time with you is different. You’re a vacation from the rest of the world. Sometimes literally.” She grinned and took your hand, rubbing her thumb in soothing circles when you jumped a little at the touch.

“Don’t look so shocked. We are dating, after all.” She gave you a small wink.

Your phone buzzed. “Barry wants us to come have drinks on the beach.”

Jas waved down the waiter, ignoring your protests when she offered her card. “You can pay for ice cream.”

“Ice cream?”

“Yeah, I saw a place across the street. I’ve got room left.” She patted her stomach, laughing.

Jas intertwined your fingers as you walked up to the group sitting in the sand.

“Y/N!” Barry shouted, running to hug you. He was a little unsteady, and held on to you for balance as Eden set out another blanket. Eden held their alcohol a bit better, but almost everyone was pretty far gone.

“Looks like we have catching up to do,” Jas muttered, reaching for one of the many bottles hiding in the portable cooler. You weren’t normally a fan of shots, but you did two in quick succession, clinking your glass against Jas’ and grimacing.

An hour later you were on your back, pointing out the three constellations you knew. Jas giggled in your ear, the sound sending tingles up your spine. You had matched her shot for shot, but she was definitely farther along. Being consistently dragged out to clubs (by Jas, nonetheless) must’ve raised your tolerance quite a bit.

Barry laid down next to you, letting out a sigh. “Thanks for being here. I really appreciate it.”

You rolled your eyes at him. “I wasn’t going to miss your wedding for anything.”

“It’s nice to meet you, by the way. You know how to throw a great party,” Jas chimed in.

Barry grinned at you, his face half lit by the moon. “It’s nice to meet you too. I can’t believe Y/N managed to get someone so talented to date her.”

You punched him on the shoulder and he laughed.

Jas snuck her fingers under the hem of your shirt and you tensed up, trying not to make any noise. She wasn’t doing anything strange, just exploring your stomach and sides. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jas said, her voice level. “Sometimes I still find it hard to believe that Y/N would want me at all.” Her hand crept higher, fingernails scraping on the sensitive skin right below your breasts. You couldn’t tell if she knew what she was doing since she tended to get familiar with people quickly when she was tipsy.

Luckily Eden called Barry over to take a photo before he could respond. Jas cuddled into your side, her wandering hand resting on your hip.

You didn’t mention it.

Jas looked stunning in a pair of loose black dress pants and a lavender top that perfectly matched the color of your dress. Her wardrobe was varied enough that she fit into just about any group, and you had seen her do so on many occasions.

You couldn’t stop smiling. Eden threw their loosely tied bouquet into the air, tiny white flowers landing on the heads of the wedding party. Barry pulled them in for a kiss and everyone cheered. You looked out into the crowd and caught Jas’ eye. She was oblivious to the fact that she was seated directly in front of Lisa, who also happened to be looking your way.

Something must have changed in your face, because as everyone vacated their seats in favor of the dance floor Jas walked over quickly, wrapping her arm around your waist. Under the pretense of pressing a kiss to your temple, she whispered, “What’s wrong?”

You shook your head imperceptibly as Lisa and her partner approached.

“Y/N,” she said, reaching out a hand, “so nice to see you again.”

“You too.”

“This is Kylie.” You shook her hand too, not wanting to seem impolite.

Jas kept her arm around you as she introduced herself, her thumb rubbing circles into your hip.

Kylie looked stunned. “Jasmine? As in Jasmine Cephas Jones?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my gosh, I thought it was you but I didn’t want to say anything,” Kylie gushed, “I’m such a big fan. I’ve been going to shows all my life, and Hamilton blew them all out of the water. You’re amazing, really. I can’t believe I’m meeting you in person!”

Jas laughed. “I’m only human. Gotta go out in public sometime. I’m glad you enjoyed the show.”

Before Kylie could say anything else, Jas gave a little wave and pulled you onto the dance floor. She put her arms around your waist, pulling you in close.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with this,” she murmured.

You wound your fingers into the hair at the base of her neck nervously. “I don’t know if I could do it alone.”

“I’m not leaving. If you need a break let me know, okay?” You nodded.

Jas was true to her word, sticking by your side throughout the night. Occasionally Kylie would flash a smile in your direction, and you could see Lisa becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

Barry grabbed you for what he called a “family dance” while Jas went to go get drinks. Your parents broke out their best (worst) moves, the crowd around you cheering as your dad dipped you low to the ground.

The song ended and you caught sight of Jas. She was still at the bar, chatting with Kylie. You couldn’t see her face, but she was gesturing emphatically as Kylie beamed up at her.

Your heart twisted a little. Jas wasn’t actually your girlfriend- she could flirt with whoever she liked. No one around you seemed to think the conversation was strange, but after a while Lisa appeared with car keys, looking rushed. Waving at you from afar, Lisa and Kylie left.

Jas made her way over to the bench you were on. Whatever drink she had gotten you was bright blue, and you sipped it hesitantly.

“How was Kylie?” You kept your face neutral.

Jas shrugged. “She was nice, but she kept asking me questions about the show, the cast, what Lin is like to work with, all that stuff. I don’t usually mind talking about it, but it was a lot. I was ready to be done.”

“Shame. She seemed to be into you.”

“What do you mean?”

“She liked you. Lisa could tell.”

“I didn’t notice, I guess.” She took your hand. “I’m here with you, remember?”

Tears threatened to form, but you pushed them away. You had wanted to plan this out. You wanted to be funny and romantic, to know what you were going to say.

Instead, you blurted out, “I can’t pretend anymore, Jas.”

She looked crestfallen. Pulling her hand away, she said, “Okay. Well I can find a plane home, and you can tell everyone I got sick or something.”

“No!” You were surprised at the volume of your own voice.

“No,” you continued, quieter, “I can’t pretend because I’m not pretending. I haven’t been.” You looked down at your hands. “I know that’s probably weird, or some sort of breach of trust between us, but it hurts too much to lie, you know?”

There was silence that you didn’t know how to fill.

After what felt like an eternity, Jas took both your hands in hers.

“I do know.”

You locked eyes. She was smiling.

“I don’t have to pretend with you.”

“You don’t?”

She shook her head, unable to stop grinning. “I’m not that good of an actor.”

You laughed. “Yes you are.”

“It’s a line, okay? Let me use a cheesy line!” She moved closer, eliminating the space between you.

You reached out to cup her cheek and her eyes fluttered closed. When they opened, you expected to see something different, but there was no change, no earth-shattering revelation. She had been looking at you like this from the very beginning and you hadn’t noticed.

Your first kiss was surprisingly calm. The second not so much.

You held onto Jas’ shoulders as you got as far in her lap as possible. Jas slid her hands up your thighs, taking your dress with. You stopped her before you flashed everyone, pressing your foreheads together and breathing heavily.

“We should probably hold off until my parents aren’t in the room.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Jas blinked, looking around. Thankfully the only person who had noticed was Barry, who flashed you the thumbs up from the dance floor.

You danced until midnight, finally taking pity on the lodge staff and retreating to your rooms. Barry hugged you tightly. “Thank you for everything. I love you so much.” He gave you a knowing look before hugging Jas and leaving.

The door shut and you kicked off your heels as fast as humanly possible. Jas came up behind you, snaking her arms around your waist and burying her face in your neck.

You shivered a little as she began to press soft kisses to your shoulder.

“This is a nice room,” she said nonchalantly, unzipping your dress.

“Too bad we leave tomorrow.”

Jas faked a cough, grinning. “I think I’m getting sick. I’m definitely going to need a few more days off.”

#jasmine cephas jones #jasmine cephas jones x reader #hamilton fanfic #hamilton fanfiction #hamwriters #reader insert #reader insert fic #jasmine x reader

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