#also I'm not hand lettering SHIT fr

[raspberry-arev]

You know that ancient (and wonderful) Tumblr take on love triangles... where the girl is aroace and the two hot men realize they were moreless trying to impress each other and start dating instead?

Well I already subscribe to the Aroace Barbie head canon, so Greta Gerwig, 2Ken When?????

(the colors are a bit silly again but that's just my alcohol marker thing. I try, it does a thing, I might not be satisfied but it's too late now bithc) (also they would be so good for each other. himbo on himbo romance. "Kenning all over each other" in Ryan Gosling's words)

[lushlovers]

The P-word, J Burrow

summary; he doesn't know what to say or how to react to things like this.

warnings; fluff fr, mentions of pregnancy and pregnancy tests, pet names (baby, honey, ) joe actually kinda sucks with words but same lmaoooo, swearing, kissing

word count; 903

note; yes angst but also fluff. i'm working on more frat!lsu!joey, but this was something random I wanted to post since it's been a little while. i hate the ending no one talk about it. winter writer's block ain't no joke fr.

this is kind of my thank you for two hundred followers even though we are just on the cusp of three, but thank you so much, I appreciate the support of my works more than you will ever know. i love every one of my followers so so sooo much yall are the best:)

Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. Maybe the more you think of those eight letters will fade away and completely off the little plastic at-home test you decided to finally take. God the word just keeps ringing in your head like the most annoying of alarms. How the hell are you supposed to tell him? His career's just started he'll never be along for the roller coaster ride, especially not when it consists of a baby running around as well.

However, luck chooses to be your opponent this evening since Joe's already home and sitting on the couch in the living room, completely oblivious to the fact that your world has just turned completely upside down. It took a while for you to work up the nerve to call him up, but when you did everything suddenly felt so heavy.

The weight refused to leave your shoulders as he sat on the truck at the foot of your bed. Rehearing in the mirror, preparing for every scenario, but especially for the one that you hope and pray will never occur. Everything that you've been through together, nothing will go wrong, he's too good of a person.

After several minutes, worry becomes evident in your voice as he asks you through the door if everything's alright, "'M fine, just nervous, I guess." That seemed to do the opposite of what you intended, that is, maybe your lying and saying you're fine would shut him up for a bit, but your being nervous led to many other questions from the other side of the door.

Adding on to that p-word, every what if clouds your mind as well. What if telling him this is your biggest regret? What if he just packs his shit and leaves? What if-, "Baby, are you sure?" Fucks sake he's still going with his questions, in any less stressful situation this would've been appreciated, but not when you can barely seem to focus on the most topic at hand.

Now or never, seemed to be the only thing that got you to push open the door and finally face the man you love so dearly. He almost instantly jumps up, concern written all over his face even more so when he glances in the direction of your hands. "Do you wanna tell me what's going on?" No, not entirely, you think but you won't let that escape your mouth, matter of fact, nothing leaves your mouth for many seconds. Maybe never was a good idea.

It took a bit for you to unscramble your words and finally speak up, "I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to try not to freak out." Your mouth felt dry the way your anxiety made your throat close up made it feel like your lungs had shrunk five times the size they were before, "Okay, care to share? I'm like shitting my pants right now," Joe spoke, chuckling but not because it was funny, he laughs because he's terrified of what words may escape your lips.

You do everything you can to avoid his eyes because the all too familiar feeling of tears surfaces on your waterline and his brows furrow at that. "Honey, you know you can tell me anything, yeah?" His question is lost to you as he cups your face thumbing away the tears before they got a chance to slip down your cheeks. The feeling of his eyes searching yours for any answer to all the questions that he's thinking about is a scary feeling.

"I'm pregnant," it comes out as a whisper, but the way the color completely drains from his face, you know he understood every syllable of those two words. For a split second, he stares at you with a look you don't think you've ever received from him before, "That's... wow." A strangled breath of half relief and half worry escapes you at his response.

Your soul leaves your body as he racks his brain for something to say to express just how he's feeling, but he's almost certain there is no possible way to verbally explain it. Now tears are welling up in his pretty blue eyes, "That's insane, I dunno what to say, are you sure?" His voice is trembling just as much as his hands as you place the test into his palm, he gets choked up as he reads over the same word that had your stomach in knots before with nothing but admiration and surprise.

"Holy fucking shit," he gapes, pulling you into him so tight it nearly knocks the wind right out of you. You laugh now as it settles into your mind that Joe would never do anything to hurt you or your baby in any way possible and to think he would ever leave in a situation like this one was silly, but thinking irrationally tends to happen quite a lot.

"I'm gonna be a dad, I need to call-" you cut him off before he's able to go on his rant, "How about we pause, and we can tell whoever we want in the most extravagant, Joseph Burrow way possible?" He snorts at that, pulling his face away from his place against your shoulder, muffling some form of agreement against your lips, then your jaw, neck, and clavicle, and lowering himself to his knees.

For a moment he looks up at you, "Sorry if I scared you with my response, I don't usually know what to say in times like this and my brain went into shock mode."

[ronance4everbrainrot]

Moooore incorrect quotes! Merlin Academy gang

(and ships)

*after the Squad's plan goes horribly wrong*

Morgie: Now it seems we're back at square one-- finding Hades.

Charming: For the record, I already found them.

Maleficent : And you let them get away before we could have a meaningful conversation.

Charming: They stabbed me!

Bridget, mumbling: I'm surprised they waited this long, Charming. We've all had the urge.

(Damn..not to be rude...I think only you have that urge Bridget....I understand tho...I guess)

---

Hades: Everyone synchronise your watches.

Charming: I don't know how to do that.

Maleficent : I don't wear a watch.

Bridget: Time is a construct.

(Fr fr. Time doesn't exist in Wonderland. It's just always "Now")

---

Hook: So, Maleficent and Hades.

Hook: According to this, you two are being accused of: Armed Robbery, Vandalism, Drug Abuse, Grand Theft Auto…

Maleficent : We had a bad day.

Hook: And… MURDER?!

Hades: It was a pretty bad day…

--

Hook: Your Honor, I hereby submit the following to the court:

Hook: Hades, Maleficent, what the actual FUCK?

(the power couple that's feared. Don't make them mad)

---

*Ella and Morgie are texting*

Ella: Who are you? Someone changed the names in my phone.

Morgie: What did they change my name to?

Ella: Chosen One.

Morgie: Don’t change it back.

Ella: BUT WHO ARE YOU?!?!

Morgie: I’m the chosen one.

(Yes.)

---

Morgie: Do you love Ella?

Bridget: Yeah, I do.

Morgie: Hook! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!

Hook: We all love Ella. You should've asked if they were IN love with them.

Bridget: I thought that was implied.

Hook: ...

Morgie: ...

Bridget, looking straight at Hook: Congrats Morgie, you just won 100 bucks.

(That's canon. Sadly Ella doesn't feel the same. Luckily we got Red and Chloe out of it)

---

Bridget: I just want someone to take me out.

Ella: On a date?

Maleficent: With a sniper gun?

Uliana: Both if you're not a coward.

(The girls having a girls night)

---

Maleficent: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Fay: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Bridget: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.

Uliana: *cocks gun* Magic missile.

Ella: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

(Ella regrets listening to Bridget and joining the Girls Night. Also F A Y. What the fuck.)

---

Morgie: You use emoji’s like a straight person.

Uliana: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.

(fr fr. You do tho gurl. Even if I actually don't understand what that would mean 🫠😗)

---

Maleficent: honk.

Hook: WHAT.

Maleficent: HONK.

Hook: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????

(I can hear him say that last part. H O N K)

---

Maleficent: Hey, about that love letter you sent me-

Fay: *blushes* What are your thoughts?

Maleficent: The fourth sentence-

Fay: Yeah, that’s where I got really emotional and I-

Maleficent: It’s “you’re” not “your”.

(Gasp. Fay!? Gay!? MALEFICENT?!? ...ok)

---

Bridget: Hook, I have a great idea.

Hook: Let’s hear it.

Bridget: We trick Maleficent and Hades to go out on a date together.

Hook: YES!

Hook: And hey, if that doesn’t work out, you and me could go out, get some drinks—

Bridget, hitting them with a book: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

(If Hook were straight..wait... if Bridget were straight...if both were straight. But they aren't UwU)

---

Maleficent: Fay, you need to calm down.

Fay, slamming their fists on the table: BUT HOW CAN IT BE "BIRTHDAY CAKE" FLAVOR IF A BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR?!

(Fay asking the most important question. Fr fr. HOW!?)

---

Bridget: What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them??

Fay: What the hell do you do?

Bridget: I die? What kinda question...

(She do be not telling Ella, because she knows she doesn't feel the same)

---

Ella: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?

Uliana, watching Maleficent screaming, Hades trying to set a sleeping Hook on fire, and Morgie choking on air: I don't know either.

(But she loves this mess group with her dark heart)

---

Uliana: Why would I flip my shit about that?

Hook: Because you flip your shit about everything.

Uliana: Well, will you look at this. Here is my shit, and yet it remains unflipped. Just sitting there on the skillet, getting burned on one side. It’s a miracle.

(That's canon)

---

Uliana: When do you usually go to sleep?

Hades: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

(You are a god too? Am I wrong? 🤨 Confusion. So it's up to yourself? Feel that tho)

---

Now the gods have decided it's my time to sleep. 00:07 (12:07 am?)

Also no glassheart/CharmingHeart? G A S P

Next time Uwuwuwu.

Also had some "alone" time. Me and my sister are sharing a hotel room but we were both on the phone after a long day and I was doing the quotes so I posted this.

Hope you liked it!

Byeeeee

[animazi]

icl i fundamentally disagree with the 'oh the acolyte shows anakin could have left the order anyway actually so he's so much worse bc he had an easy way out the whole time' discussions I've been seeing, because, like. literally why is this even a topic of discussion? ok ok hang with me here, I'm doing a list.

there is literally nothing in the prequels that suggests this is ever an option for him. up until shmi's death he is happy with the order - most of the problems he expresses come specifically from his relationship with obi-wan not the jedi generally, so why would he want to leave. once shmi dies, sure I getcha. his mum died and the jedi have a significant hand in that, and then he immediately breaks the code and does a massacre. however, and some may have missed this, its a fairly small plot point, the clone wars begin. anakin is not only never characterised as the sort of guy who would back out of this conflict (esp since he was involved from the get go), but also there is literally no time between anything - aotc and rots take place over such short time spans, comparatively; we see quite literally All the events happening at once.

so why doesn't he quit in tcw/rots? again. there is a war on and he is directly involved. tcw shows him as having made personal connections with the clones, and if there's one thing about anakin that everyone should be able to agree on its that he sure has attachments. also, again, rots takes place over such a short span of time and he is fairly clearly not in the best place in like fucking any of it

it probably wouldn't even fix anything bro. anakin is not the central turning point of the war, not really. that's palpatine. with or without anakin palpatine still gets the war, and realistically if anakin leaves the order then war breaks out, he is going to turn to palpatine as one of the only people he is close to, and ergo probably falls anyway. maybe he doesn't kill the younglings but like. shit still happens, jedi still get order 66'd

No Please Understand One Busy And Isolated Woman Is Not A Full Support Network Stop It. ok so. padme isolation is something that I fully see in the films. I will not yap on about that now, but take it as read for this point (although. even if she has a great and healthy support network that is not the issue! you are still saying that padme, who has a very busy job and her own life regardless, should functionally drop everything to support anakin). a key part of support networks is that they are a network aka not one woman. look me dead in the eyes and think anakin and obi-wan (already not having a great communicative relationship) are still talking after he leaves. go on. try. realistically speaking once the war starts anakin is in an, if anything, worse position - his fatherbrothermentor is out there fighting and he cannot help, his wife is barely home, the senate is always busy, and he is so so jobless (again. here is where palpatine would swoop in...bro cannot win fr fr). and Again, One (1) Padme Should Not Be Responsible For Dealing With The Entirely Of Anakin's Issues. stop it.

I don't actually have a full point 5 rn I just like it when the numbers do this :3

so bonus not-quite point: tcw and the acolyte both explicitly say the jedi don't prep you for the outside world if you leave the order, transferable skills etc etc BUT ALSO does your ex-jedi have any records of employment? any space gcses or a-levels or space degrees? a letter of recommendation? are they actually skilled enough in say mechanics/engineering to be able to survive in a world where droids exist and clearly have a huge presence in those sectors? any any money to help them get a flat or smth (not applicable in anakin's case but worth saying anyway)?

in short. I don't think it's a fair point to make when criticising anakin. it relies on a really weird reading of the prequels that misses a) the war, b) palpatine, c) the inherent misogyny of putting the wellbeing of anakin, guy who is hanging on the same thread as my sanity after exam week, entirely in the hands of one woman, d) the lack of regard for how support networks are, in fact, networks, e) how fast everything happens in the prequels

[brainfilehasstoppedworking]

(I'M BACK ON THE JEALOUSY THING I ALMOST DIDN'T FUCKING SLEEP AND IT'S 7AM LETS GOOOOO)

At first, Taka didn't realise Mondo's changement of attitude. Sure he was a bit more clingy when they were around Daiya but it's not like Mondo hated physical touch ! To the Pinkie holding to the hand holding passing to the arm around your shoulder and finally to the hand on your hip, Mondo was always touching Taka. So he didn't pay much mind to it.

But, it got worse. Way worse.

When Taka even mentioned the fact that they could pass at Mondo's house (No Daiya mentioned !!! Just his house !!), Mondo would start to trow a fit saying that they didn't need to be here everyday.

When Taka started to call Daiya by his first name (the Older Owada having asking him multiple to do so and finally explaining that Owada-kun was weird to him and that he prefered being called by his first name anyway) Mondo lost his mind ! He went on a long rant about the fact that he was still Owada-kun until they we're friends and that it was "disrespectful" of Taka to call Daiya by his first name. Mondo ? Caring about respect ? Nah. That was weird.

And then, Taka started to bite back. If Mondo was going to be a brat, Taka was going to be petty.

He used everything against Mondo. Saying that he was being a controling boyfriend and that he could call whoever he wanted by whatever name he wanted (if the person in question agreed to, wish in that case he did). He started to not tell him when he would come to their house (showing up without calling at least twice to make sure the person is not busy ?? That wasn't very Taka like.) And he took Daiya's number. Just in case. (No really he did take it just in case, the number of time Mondo had gotten it trouble and only told his brother and "forgot" to tell Taka is hilarous)

And lastly. They fighted about that. Taka hated that Mondo was doing all this stuff. He wasn't like that with anyone !! Why suddenly was he acting like an animal when it came to his brother ??

It was a big fight honestly. Taka was in tears and Mondo was almost there too. But Mondo snapped and finally yelled "IF IT MATTER TO YA SOOO MUCH WHY DON'T YA JUST GO TO MY HOUSE AND MY BROTHA-"

And Boom. The truth was out. Taka understood. Mondo was jealous of Daiya.

And Taka ? Well Taka just laughed. Not a sweet small laugh. Not the usual "Ha ha ha". But an almost psychotic one. Because how could Mondo be so fucking stupid !

After another hour of Taka screaming love letters at Mondo and a good half hour of kissing the two lovers we're finally reunitated in a cuddle session.

The last word Mondo heard before falling asleep was "I love you Mondo Owada. And no one not even your brother would change that".

(but yeah Daiya is hot and Taka know that but he's like "no Thanks i have my own version :)")

Thank you for the meal, Chef! See, this is what I want in IshiMondo stuff sometimes. It makes things so interesting! Mondo, you dumbass. We love ya, but you're so stupid. *pats his head*

And Daiya is hot, lol. The fucking Owada's are hot, Aphrodite fr gave them all the beauty LMAO. I'm jealous of them and their looks.

Anyways, glad they were able to clear shit up in the end. Also, damn, 7 AM??? Go back to sleep!!!

[rowanmuppet]

oh and mischa too!!!

Okay I just wrote the penny one and I am on a ROLL so. Mischa bachinski my beloved

- First of all. Mischa has two hands and I won't hear otherwise. Talia is REAL damn it but Mischa is also bisexual and in love with Noel. End of

- He watched the titanic for the first time on the phone with talia and cried EMBARRASSINGLY hard. Not embarrassing because he's supposed to be manly or whatever, embarrassing like he woke up the next day and his eyes were almost swollen shut from crying so hard. Like that movie really affected him

- Noel would ask to watch it with him and he'd immediately say no because he doesn't want to be literally dehydrated from crying again

- He would put talia on the phone during choir and everyone would talk to her (more like them telling Mischa what to say and him translating but they all love her)

- Ocean would insist on singing whatever song they're working on for her and she'd just sit there like wow 😁👍!!! She has no idea what's going on but she's along for the ride

- He is trying to teach everyone Ukrainian to moderate success

- he has an annoyed siblings relationship with ocean which everyone says but seriously!!! They get on each other's nerves so much but ocean would kill a man for him and he's DEFINITELY gotten into a fight for her

- picks ocean up like a folding chair and carries her around. Or like a cat under the armpits and so she's just dangling there

- absolutely terrified of rollercoasters but went on the cyclone anyway because he's a manly man. Obviously. But then he died

- literally almost threw up getting off the graviton. Thought he was literally going to die

- wholeheartedly believes in Santa. Literally will not be convinced he isn't real. Everyone in the choir feeds into this and says their presents to him were from Santa and were dropped off at their house instead of his bc he doesn't have a chimney (in like an everyone lives situation cause yk they weren't really friends before)

- really it's because his adoptive parents didn't get him anything but he doesn't have to know that they're supposed to be santa

- is actually genuinely successful on YouTube 😭 nobody wants to believe him and I doubt the choir before the accident cared to check they just half listened to him talk about his songs like "yeah that's great buddy" but he has a pretty decent following

- I'm sure a good amount of them are ironic but that's okay

- he'd get one of those "THIS SHIT IS FIRE 🔥🔥🔥🔥 PUT IT OUT 🔥🔥🔥" comments and take it as a compliment

- has unmedicated ADHD. I don't make the rules I only enforce them

- he literally can't sit still in any situation at all ever, nor can he focus on anything if there isn't 5 other things going on. Constantly understimulated. Constance would give him a fidget spinner and his grades would immediately go up a letter or two

- honestly Mischa and constance are best friends in my heart

- she would try to teach him how to bake/cook and he would burn everything

- "Mischa no wonder it's burnt! It's been on high for 15 minutes it's just a grilled cheese" "why cook for long time on low heat when I could cook for short time on high heat 🤨??" "because it will burn before the cheese melts!!!!"

- Ocean is PISSED that he's always at Constance's house when she goes over to hang out (she would spend virtually all her time there fr) but Constance's little brother loves him

- wears almost exclusively sweat pants/giant t shirts with ironic slogans. "The worst day of fishing beats the best day of 'court ordered' anger management classes'"

- the kind of mf to wear gym shorts and slides in 4 inches of snow like dude 😦

- lets noel paint his nails every time they hang out. immediately forgets they're painted and either smudges it or if it somehow manages to dry bites/picks it off immediately

- he will never complain but he hates the way it makes his nails feel heavier

- ocean would get him a sticker book to motivate him to do his homework (his grades are not good and if they get too low he won't be allowed to participate in choir)

- so now his books/homework are covered in stickers

- spends a devastatingly long time on his hair only for it to immediately be ruined when he leaves the house

- it's almost impressive how quickly it just turns into a total mess

- that's what the hat is for

- regarding my penny rock head canon. He gets SO EXCITED when she gives him one

- "this reminded me of you" *least visually interesting rock you've ever seen* "YOOOOO IT IS LIKE ME!!!"

- not a big fan of the bugs though

- genuinely terrified of them. He'd see penny with bugs and feel like ants are on him for the next several minutes

That's all for rn cause this is getting long!!

[thegardengrows-infrozenrain]

love how tumblr tried to kill tagspam by limiting you to 30 tags with 140 chars each and also if you tag a specific way then only the first four tags will show your post in searches or whatever and also only original posts will show and not reblogs anymore (and that is ANY reblog, not just reblogs with nothing on them)

but then you still see porn bots scattershotting every trending fandom tag (plus some extras) and the only thing it's done is make rambling in the tags (and more importantly, trigger tagging posts!!!!!) needlessly difficult and also wrecked visibility if you reblog something and add to a post and then tag it with the same tags

also they broke tagging again so now the automatically added end character for each tag will eat the last few letters of a tag and also you can't actually hit the 140 character limit anymore??? you have to come like three under it or you can't add the fucking tag and it still gives you that obnoxiously condescending "Ooops!!! Tags can only be 140 characters or less!!!!" warning.

also hitting 30 tags shouldn't give me a shitfuck ass fucking "You did it. You reached 30 tags" message. just say "tag limit reached" or something c'mon you're a fuckin website and the only thing this makes me wanna do is strangle your entire fucking database center (as in the physical building. get my hands around that bricky bitch.) because i'm a fuckin tumblr user not a five year old and this whole like impersonal friendliness added to error messages and shit these days makes me so pissed.

enough with the "teeheeheehee!!! oopsie daisies!!!!!🌺🌺🌺✨✨✨ ouw code monkies cant handwe mowe dan 30 tagsie-wagsies!!!! oooh noooo 😭😭😭😞😞😞😔😔😔😕😕🙁🙁🙁☹️☹️☹️😥😥😥😨😨😨😰😰😰🫠🫠🫠wooks wike youw gonna hafta wemove some tags!!!! ❌❌❌☹️☹️☹️🥺🥺😢 but make suwe dey'we onwy 140 chawactews! da code monkies eat ur tagsies and dey get tummie aches if dey'we too wong!!!!!! ^^ uwu nya rawr >w< xDDD" type shit. just fucking tell me "character limit reached" or something is it that difficult to just give users information directly anymore??????

also fuck the errors when your internet disconnects and it's like "this is a dashboard haiku. no posts here. who knows why?" "your dashboard is empty. soon it will be lush once more" on the app. that and the stupid fucking astronaut in the fuckin alegria/corporate memphis artstyle on youtube. fuck you. i don't need you to try to be funny and make me laugh because my internet connection is slightly spotty or to be given a fuckin illustration. just say "your connection isn't working". come on, say it with me. "your" "connection" "is not" "working". was that so hard? i get it's because it's ALSO a fallback in case the servers are down for some reason but jesus christ.

at least fucking facebook and instagram just give you "failed to load. check your connection" errors when they go down and most people know if you see them while your internet is up it means the website's having trouble and to wait a while. people aren't fuckin stupid and they don't need to be hand-held when a fuckin website goes down to the point you need to be vague and qUiRkY about it.

like if this shit doesn't stop i will find a way to physically choke a server rack. you fuckin wait. i'll make a goddamn computer experience asphyxiation. i'm gonna take your fuckin machines and i'm gonna fuckin feed them orbeez until they experience whatever the computer equivalent to an intestinal blockage is.

worthless piece of shit fucking website fr

[lostinthewiind]

Piss Off Your Parents - Part 9

Ukai Keishin - Haikyuu

Synopsis: freshly turned 18, you want to prove to your parents that you aren’t a child for them to push around anymore. First, get a job at the local corner store. Second, use the store owner’s 26-year-old son with piercings and a cigarette addiction to piss your parents off. Third, accidentally fall in love.

Rating: PG13

Warnings: arguing, harsh language, swearing

Song → 18 by Anarbor

Previous → Part 8

Next → Part 10

The trek up the stairs from the store to the apartment felt like climbing a never-ending escalator that was going the wrong way. After the day you had had, you were both mentally and physically exhausted and ready to call it a night early.

Thankfully, as if you had finally hit a stroke of luck that day, Keishin had texted you saying that he would pick up dinner on the way home, saving you the exertion of having to leave the apartment again. So, with that information in mind, you kicked off your shoes for the day and fell unceremoniously onto the couch in the living room.

As you sat down, you heard the envelope in your back pocket crinkle and the sudden noise seemed to completely fill the otherwise silent apartment.

Ah yes, the envelope.

Pulling the decision to your future out of your back pocket, you stared at it for what felt like another hour or so. No matter how long you held the envelope in your hands, you couldn't force yourself to open it. You simply didn't want to.

At some point between when your mother had handed it to you and now, you had subconsciously decided that you wanted to choose your own path forward despite what the decision letter may or may not say.

Feeling strangely empowered and confident, you stood to your feet and ventured into the bedroom where you slipped the envelope into one of the drawers Keishin was letting you keep your clothes in and tucked it underneath one of your sweaters. Maybe one day you would open the damn thing when whatever was inside wasn't weighing so heavily on your mind and future, but today was not that day.

Just then, you heard the front door open and knew Keishin had arrived home. Closing the drawer, you plastered a smile across your face and exited the bedroom to greet your boyfriend.

"Welcome home, Dear," you giggled, trying your best to fake the part of a doting housewife. "How was the volleyball game?"

Keishin chuckled softly as you took the takeout bags from him. "It was a close game, but they pulled it together in the last set and won."

"Oh, good!" You placed the bags onto the table before retrieving some plates and chopsticks from the kitchen.

"How was your day?" he asked as he pressed a chaste kiss to your cheek.

You sighed as you thought back on your day. "It was okay," you answered, not really wanting to go into much more detail than that. You doubted Keishin wanted to hear about your minuscule problems with rude customers after the long day he had clearly had.

Keishin, however, picked up on your uncertainty right away. "Doesn't sound okay," he commented. "Want to talk about it?"

You shrugged. "Just some shitty customers. Seems I had forgotten how poorly low-level workers are treated sometimes . . . just threw me a little," you said. "I'll be fine. Just glad the day is over now."

"You and me both." He flashed a smile as he turned to head for the bedroom. "I'm just going to change quickly and then we'll eat."

"Sounds good." You started dishing out some of the food. "I was also thinking we could watch a movie tonight as well. I could use something to clear my mind."

"Sitting on the couch with a beer is an ideal evening in my book," you heard him respond faintly from the bedroom. "There's a new action movie that came out. I think it's about-"

You waited for Keishin to finish his sentence, but when he didn't, you cocked your head and looked toward the bedroom doorway. Before you had the chance to call out to him, he appeared in the doorway shirtless, eyebrows furrowed and the envelope from the university in his hand.

"W-why do you have that?" you asked, the look on his face upon discovering the letter making your heart drop. "That was in my drawer . . . why were you going through my things?"

"I was looking for my sweater, the one you always steal," he answered. "Y/N . . . what is this?"

Rounding the table and approaching Keishin, you snatched the envelope out of his hand. "That is one of the many reasons why my day today was so shitty."

As you turned to head for the kitchen to toss the envelope in the garbage and rid your life of it, Keishin followed you. "You didn't get in?" he inquired.

You shrugged. "I have no idea. I didn't open it."

As you moved to toss the letter into the trash, Keishin grabbed your wrist and stopped you. "Why are you throwing it out if you didn't open it yet?"

"Because I don't care what it says. I've decided that I'm going to stay here with you and work at the store. This is the life I want . . . the life I get to choose for myself."

"You should still open it," he reasoned. "You might change how you feel about it when you see the result."

"I don't want to change how I feel about it." You shook your head as you gently pried your wrist out of his grip. "No need to make things more difficult than they need to be. I've had enough difficulty for one lifetime, thank you very much. This decision is easy, and best of all, it makes me happy."

Gesturing to the envelope, Keishin sighed. "But this is what you wanted. When you told me about your dream to play soccer at the University of Tokyo, your face lit up. Why are giving up on your dream before you've even given yourself a chance to experience it?"

"Dreams can change, Keishin," you told him before sighing and deciding to humour him for a moment. "Okay, let's say I open this letter and somehow did get in. What then? I couldn't pay for that school in my wildest dreams; not without my parents' help. Sometimes dreams are just childish and unrealistic. So I found a new dream, one with us living here together."

"You could apply for student loans. Tons of people do." He folded his arms across his chest. "I don't think this is about the money or your parents. I think this is about us. You've gotten comfortable here."

Throwing your hands up into the air in exasperation, you huffed. "And so what if I have? Is that really so bad?"

"I just don't want you to throw away an opportunity like this over me."

"Over you?" you cocked a brow. "Because you're, what, trash? Not worth it? A lowlife? A burnout?"

Keishin bit at his bottom lip. "You know what's not what I meant."

Inhaling deeply, you glared down at the god-forsaken envelope in your hand and began to tear at the top. "Let's not fight about something that probably isn't even going to happen." You pulled the letter out and unfolded it, your eyes scanning the text quickly. "The University of Tokyo is notoriously difficult to get into and I-"

Keishin quirked a brow when you stopped mid-sentence. "What does it say?"

A broken laugh was the only thing you could manage as you lowered the letter and shook your head. "Un-fucking-believable." You handed the paper over to Keishin, the edge crumpled from where your grip had tightened when you read the decision.

Keishin looked at the page for all of two seconds before he found the bolded 'Congratulations' and a huge grin spread across his face. "You got in!" He was way more excited than you were about this. "This is good news. You can play soccer at the University of Tokyo. Come on, you can't tell me this doesn't make you at least a little happy."

"I wish it did," you answered honestly. "I wish it were that easy."

"It is! It can be." Keishin set the letter down on the counter and took your hands in his. "Student loans, part-time jobs, it's all possible. Sure, it might be a little tricky to work out, but it's totally possible."

When you didn't respond, Keishin hooked his fingers under your chin and tilted your head up to look at him. "Accept the spot at the university. Follow your dream," he told you.

". . . but I'll have to leave you." You felt the words catch in your throat and tried your hardest not to start crying. "You make me happy—you're the first thing that's made me genuinely happy in a long time—and I don't want to leave that for a chance at something that might not even work out."

"But what if it does work out? You don't know that it won't," he said softly. "Don't end up like me, looking back at your past and wondering what might have been if you had just chosen a different path. I know this might seem good enough for now, but how will you feel after ten or twenty years of working the same dead-end job for the same shit pay all while getting treated like shit by people who look down on you? Look at how one day of catering to pretentious assholes made you feel. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like that?"

"But what about you?" you asked, your voice shaky.

Keishin dropped his head, a few stray strands of hair falling into his face. Unlike that morning, when he had been asleep with loose hairs in his face, he looked annoyed and frustrated now. The bags under his eyes and tension lines on his forehead were a stark contrast to the soft, peaceful face you had woken up to that morning.

"Don't throw this away over me," he repeated. "Don't throw your future away over a 26-year-old burnout."

Lip quivering, you sucked in a deep breath. "I thought you were different . . . but you're just like everyone else."

Keishin eyed you. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You said I should make my own decisions and live my life how I wanted but it was all a facade." You slipped your hand out of his and took a step back. "In the end, you're just like everyone else . . . you think you have a right to plan my future for me without giving me a say in the matter. You want to tell me how to live my life just like my parents."

"How could you say that?" Keishin almost snapped but managed to collect his anger before he did. "All I want is what's best for you."

You scoffed as you wiped a tear from your cheek. "If I had a penny for every time I've heard that I'd have enough money to pay for the University of Tokyo and then you'd get your damn wish . . . I'd be gone."

"When did I ever say I wanted you gone? Why are you so adamant that going to Tokyo means we can't be together?"

"Why are you so against just letting me make my own decision about this?! Why do I have to go to play soccer at that fucking university and leave you? I don't want to leave you!"

"Why not? Why are you so damn hung up on someone like me?!"

"Because I love you!" The two of you froze in place the second those words left your mouth. Chest heaving from the shouting and high emotions, you snapped your mouth shut before you said anything else in the heat of the moment.

Eyes wide, Keishin stared at you like a deer in headlights. "You what?"

You debated whether or not you should repeat what you had said, but by then, the damage had been done. "I love you," you breathed. "And I know you told me not to fall in love with you . . . but I did. I fell hard and fast and now I'm stuck in you and I cannot possibly leave you so please stop asking me to."

You waited for what felt like an eternity for Keishin to say something, say anything. He opened his mouth a few times like he was about to, but nothing ever came out.

"Keishin . . ." You took a cautious step forward. "Please say something."

Keishin swallowed hard before looking you directly in the eyes. "If I said I didn't love you back, would you go?"

You felt your heart crack and the sensation of being punched in the gut spread throughout your entire body. "Is that what you're saying? You don't love me?"

"If I didn't, would you leave?"

You inhaled sharply. "If you look me in the eyes right now and tell me that you don't feel the same way that I do; that everything over the past few months has meant nothing to you, there would be no possible way I could stay in Miyagi," you answered truthfully. "If you tell me that you don't love me and that you never have, I would have no reason to stay in this prefecture."

Keishin's lips parted once more. "Y/N . . . I-" His brown eyes locked onto yours and you could feel what he was about to say even though he never did. "I . . . I can't do this right now."

With that, he brushed past you, grabbed a sweater from the bedroom and threw it on before storming out of the apartment, leaving you and the now cold takeout food alone.

Tears in your eyes and a lump in your throat, you turned to look over your shoulder at the decision letter sitting on the counter, practically taunting you.

You should have thrown the thing out the second your mom dropped it off. Or better yet, maybe you should have never made that deal with Keishin and applied for the university in the first place.

[eurydicees]

ty for the tag @miiracleboys !!

slow burn or love at first sight // fake dating or secret dating // enemies to lovers or best friends to lovers // oh no there’s only one bed or long-distance correspondence // hurt-comfort or amnesia // fantasy au or modern au // mutual pining or domestic bliss // smut or fluff // canon-compliant or fix-it // reincarnation or character death // one-shot or multi-chapter // kid fic or road trip fic // arranged marriage or accidental marriage // high school romance or middle aged romance // time travel or isolated together // neighbors or roommates  // sci-fi au or and magic au // body swap or gender bend // angst or crack // apocalyptic or mundane 

i'm also gonna go way in depth bc i'm just like this. longform answers below the cut :P

slow burn or love at first sight: i just like the pining of it all ngl. i think that love at first sight is too unbelievable for me, like no matter how much i ship a pairing, love at first sight just isn't convincing to me

fake dating or secret dating: idk fake dating kinda just stresses me out for some reason? lying scares me and i'm a coward. it can definitely be done well, but secret dating just hits the sweet spot a little better

enemies to lovers or best friends to lovers: LOVE a good friends to lovers arc. this is something everyone knows about me. something about the blurriness of platonic to romantic lines is just *chef's kiss*

oh no there’s only one bed or long-distance correspondence: tbh i just love a good love letter

hurt-comfort or amnesia: i'm so soft for some good hurt/comfort. there's just something so intimate about trusting a person enough to hurt in front of them and something so gentle about knowing how (or not knowing!) to comfort a person

fantasy au or modern au: idk i just don't vibe with fantasy aus? i'm not a huge fantasy person in general tbh

mutual pining or domestic bliss: oooohhhohhhh it's always the pining for me. there's just something so sweet about that burn. domestic bliss is nice, don't get me wrong, and it's what i need some days, but, oh i just love some painful yearning

smut or fluff: idk fluff just hits, man

canon-compliant or fix-it: i rarely read fix it fics tbh. it's so much more fun to me to fuck around with canon and push the lines of canon than it is to change it completely. i don't really like AUs in general either, so maybe this is kinda like that?

reincarnation or character death: tbh both of these are really hard to get right, so i have trouble reading fics with either of them, but i would have to say character death is better

one-shot or multi-chapter: i have said this before and i will say it again. unless i'm hyperfixating real bad and desperate or the first 5k are the best words i have ever read, i do not have the attention span for anything over 30k.

kid fic or road trip fic: tbh i don't really read much of either of these, but kid fics generally just aren't appealing as a concept. sharing a car for extended periods of time, seeing the sights, breaking down on the highway, etc. etc. etc. on the other hand? that's good shit

arranged marriage or accidental marriage: to be, like, completely transparent, i don't think i've ever read either of these? but in theory accidental marriage is better

high school romance or middle aged romance: ok maybe this is a hot take but i think high school romance is often fun because it's either (a) soulmates fr and (b) doomed by virtue of being teenagers. there's something really bittersweet about the idea of being high school sweethearts and either beating the odds or having a timer counting down to graduation. what's REALLY good shit is dating in high school, breaking up, and then getting back together as adults

time travel or isolated together: time travel plots annoy me

neighbors or roommates: shoutout to all of my roommates for ruining that trope for me (/pos)

sci-fi au or and magic au: again, i much prefer canon compliant to any kind of aus, but if i had to choose, then i'd go sci-fi

body swap or gender bend: i don't read much of either but i'm gonna say body swap bc gender bend just feels ehhh to me. like. just make them trans

angst or crack: crack treated seriously can be fun occasionally, but tbh crack in general is just not my thing. i like it to hurt

apocalyptic or mundane: short and sweet slice of life is where it's at

[sk3tch404]

You're definitely right about me being absolutely unsupervised as kid on the internet 💀 bro I was THERE when wretched Scary maze and 2girls1cup thing was making it's rounds oof, 'twas a wild childhood. I vividly remember getting a JTK jumpscare thrown at me in the YT comment section at some point :,) but honestly... the Proxies man,,, core memory unlocked, I read so many creepypasta mansion x reader's on quotev it ain't even funny. THE QUIZZES TOO OMFG.

On another note, it's interesting how nowadays the JTK origin story creepypasta is universally agreed upon to be rlly bad and they talk about how it had bad grammar. The thing is, when I was at the very beginning of my CP phase, I didn't know shit about English, the only thing I had at hand were the translations of the most famous Pasta's and the translators rlly didn't fuck around when it came to grammar and localisation. I honestly think that if the translations hadn't been THAT good, I wouldn't have liked Jeff or the Pastas as much as I did, like these damned translations dragged me into the creepypasta fandom with no mercy. What also didn't help was the Yassification of every pasta in the form of fanart 😔 although some of them were still scary (I once saw a fanart of JTK, with the OG scary image face, smacked on top of an unreasonably well drawn feminine body in a skimpy bikini 💀💀). Honestly though, think I had crush on most Human-leaning creepypastas at some point. Not LJ though, lil me had a Clownphobia and this guy used to scare me shitless 🥲 good times, good times. The funniest thing about crushing on Hoodie and Masky for me though, was that I did not watch Marble Hornets until recently. My view on their personality was solely shaped by the fanfics I read on them agh :,)

Holy shit the edgy AMVs though- I was OBSESSED with them. They really shaped my music taste (linkin park & Melanie Marrinez my beloved <3) I still have some of them (the videos) in a playlist actually. Want a taste of what I was hyperfixating on when I was younger? lol

Also kinda funny how I'm stumped when I have to write essays at school but I can casually drop 200+ words whenever I send an ask too you, like I'm writing a long letter to a friend in ye olden times (Victor would be proud 😔✊)

-Ren'py anon

RENPY ANON ITS BECAUSE UR HAVING FUN!!!

I'm soooo glad I've found someone else who also played quotev quizzes and read those fics 😭 the quizzes were always fun, but it was always one of four. The seven minutes in heaven ;) , Which creepypasta is ur bf?, 24 hours with this character, and what does this character think about you?

WHOOO RENPY NONNIE the seven minutes in heaven quizzes I was taking when I was 10 were NO DAMN JOKE 😭

For most of these quizzes, they were also made my pre teens/teenagers, so the answers were always hella obvious and the characters were hella fanon 💀

I think I was on the internet when the scary maze thing was still a thing, but not as popular? Idk I didn't really care about it. But omg I didn't know what 2 girls and one cup was, and EVERYBODY was freaking out about it.

I looked all over YouTube until I could get a video more than 10 seconds long, and omfg I couldn't believe what my 11 year old eyes saw 💀💀💀 I didn't think it was real because NO WAY THEY WERE DOING THAT NASTY SHIT FR RIGHT???

Unfortunately it probably is real 😰

AND YES THOSE HOT AMVS AND FANART SOLD MEEEEEE

I really hated when people drew the original JTK's face onto normal or attractive stuff. It just killed the vibe for me fam :/

You know, there was always this one song and this one 'JTK tribute' video that I loved watching. It was just those picture slideshow videos, but it had the Super Crazy Psycho Love by Simon Curtis or something.

There was this one specific photo of Jeff with no shirt on. He had abs and was in a pool of blood.

... I was obessed with it. I loved it. I NEEDED IT.

I wasn't even into Jeff though? Like, my mans were LJ and Toby! Maybe Eyeless Jack or the painter guy every now and then, but those two were my favorites.

I vividly remmeber not wanting to be like those crazy Jeff stans and stuck to my own space. Idk why younger me wanted to be different so bad, but yk what good for me for not wanting to be into ultra toxic men.

Not me now though 😎

Idk why its it's such an iconic staple to my childhood and it's honestly a little embarrassing to talk about irl 😭

And yeah, the Jeff story is super flawed. I always thought it was stupid. I watched John Wolf buy and read a bad fanfiction book about Jeff and an OC. My personal taste and John's hatred for him was probably was why I didn't like Jeff in that way 😭

If you dont know who John Wolf is, he's a gaming youtuber :)

I too need to watch marble Hornets. In my pasta phase, I didnt really know them, but I just went along with it. Fanon hoodie was shy and nice, while fanon Masky was mature and calm.

Out of the two, I liked Hoodie more than Masky.

Toby is still my #1

I think it's because I used to tick most of the time when I was younger because my anxiety was so severe, and he was really friendly and loud about everything (I still tick, but not nearly as much thank god. That shit hurt fr)

I also heard they're still uploading? Just little snippets and short videos. It still sounds cool though.

AND OMG YES DROP THAT MF LINK. I didnt listen to Linkin Park, but I did listen to Melanie a whole lot!

[number1villainstan]

episode 25. the start of the akio arc. hooooo boy

forgot to watch the previews for this episode last time so i'm watching them now and uh--living in akio's house??? excuse me?????

and it's literally called "their eternal apocalypse" this one's gonna be FUCKED UP

touga is in the car with akio. "care to take the wheel?" "the throb of the engine feels good, doesn't it" i don't like this touga get out of there

"my ohtori academy values the independence of its students" BULLSHIT

wakaba just called akio's smile "angelic". uh. bestie there is nothing good about that man's smile. "think of the romantic possibilities" also think of the abuse possibilities! the privacy invasion possibilities! the BAD possibilities!

i mean though. i got spoilers so i already know akio's an awful person, these guys...probably don't. at least yet. although the audience has got Clues before

...akio doesn't like anthy laughing. mmmm. not good

who the fuck is doing baseball practice around the student council members? it's probably not Actually Happening, just a metaphor.

the dude calling "Strike!" when saionji says he can't trust the letters anymore...yeah. none of them should have ever trusted the letters. and then miki says "i've already verified the letter's contents" and immediately an out happens. and the strikes when miki talks about finding the gondola.

also for a hot second i thought "wait isn't 'strike' bowling lingo" and forgot that it was also baseball lingo for when the batter fails to hit the ball. my childhood memories of playing Wii Sports have failed me

HOLY SHIT SAIONJI'S WALKING AWAY?? does this mean he'll escape? see through the lies and the bullshit?? or is this just his pride talking?? please be actual intelligence and not just pride

nanami calls saionji by his first name (kyouichi). huh.

and the rest of the council members are starting to question--

"that star is clearer today" my man you are projecting the star onto a wall. you control how clear/bright the stars are

venus, huh? called the morning star despite not being a star? named after the roman goddess of love/sex? sus

oh they brought the Satan/Lucifer angle right out. stated in the show. i read some people talking about it but didn't realize it was fucking handed to you like that

the way anthy gets closer every other shot, with ominously glowing glasses hiding her eyes. that's definitely not important or meaningful /sarcasm

so anthy just rescued utena from akio. although maybe her motivations weren't to 'rescue'

anthy almost told her oh my god? or was it just a feint??

saionji cleaning the floor, huh? maybe he really did let go of some of his pride

never mind, saionji's still a prideful ass. and touga's still a manipulative bitch so

did touga unbutton his shirt just for that dramatic pose

another midnight drive ("drive") with akio. sigh.

wait so saionji neither confirms nor denies that he wants "the Rose Bride", which--god i want this kid to be better so bad--

"True friendship doesn't exist in this world" saionji internally: bitch i know you burned my exchange diary

ok but fr there is something so telling about how a character representing, in a sense, the "little man" to touga or akio's "big man", representing masculinity-as-a-prize, masculinity-through-competitiveness, all of the insecurities that come with basing a huge portion of your self-identity off of an unwinnable, undefinable competition, the jealousy and self-hatred that comes with trying to be The Most Man because if you're not The Most Man then you're not enough of a man, being the one to deny the existence of "true" friendship (whatever "true" friendship is). like of course you say true friendship doesn't exist in this world! it doesn't exist in your world! because your world is defined by an endless unwinnable inescapable competition to prove your manliness and therefore your humanity! what was it that bell hooks said, about how women fear men and men also fear men? idk much about japanese masculinity but god, saionji manages to simultaneously embody so much of what's awful about Western/American/white masculinity AND make it clear that it's awful and still be a sympathetic character because we can see why he's like that! touga's right there! and saionji hates him and loves him and envies him and wants his gender all at the same time and it drives him insane because he's an idiot teenager who doesn't know how to process his own emotions outside of the approved outlets provided to him! saionji's own unhealthy thought and emotional processes--and, dare i say, trauma--which are caused/shaped by the system end up working to reinforce that very same system! he is a victim like every other kid in ohtori but he is also a perpetrator! because he genuinely doesn't know any better! and no one is going to teach him! fuck!

revolutionary girl utena ran so the barbie movie could walk in circles--

and then touga is straight up like "okay but you want true friendship. don't you." and tbf he's right, almost certainly. but it's also hilariously ironic because there's no way in hell that touga, as he and saionji are right now, could give saionji "true friendship."

OH SHIT WAIT I JUST REALIZED THIS IS SUPPOSED TO PARALLEL ANTHY AND UTENA IN THEIR BEDROOM AND UTENA ASKING ANTHY TO COME TO HER FIRST WITH HER PROBLEMS CUZ SHE WANTS TO BE "THAT KIND OF FRIEND." that's so fucking obvious how the fuck didn't i realize it sooner--

gonna call that bell hooks misquote about how women fear men and men also fear other men. i've seen some people who present as a man, especially those who transition from presenting as a woman (according to cisheternormative societal standards) to presenting as a man (according to those same standards), talk about how if you're read as masculine (especially unconventionally masculine) you're read as a threat, by both men and women, and there's no automatic camaraderie between men like there is between (cis) women. so it's paralleling opposite-gender experiences with the same thing (friendship), w/ the girls being nice but with anthy still, ultimately, not trusting utena, and w/ the boys being openly mistrustful of each other. although i could be reading all of this totally wrong, this is definitely a western viewpoint and i'm not super familiar with japanese masculinities, conventional or otherwise. but ykno patriarchy/systemic sexism is poison and it sickens everyone it touches regardless of gender

anyways that's my unconventionally-hypermasculine-butch-trans-man ramblings on how patriarchy poisons masculinity. back to the actual show lmao

confirmed that akio was the "prince on a white horse". also when did touga unbutton his jacket. touga if you want to seduce saionji don't do it in the back of a car someone else is driving. and especially don't do it in the back of a car that FUCKING AKIO is driving.

...when did akio unbutton his jacket.

and the flip over the windshield to impress a pair of teenagers. jesus fucking christ akio. i'd make a joke about how he has to go after teenagers with little life experience cuz no adult is stupid enough to touch his dick except for the fact that like. he's canonically at least made out with adults, and with akio it's never just making out. which means he's really really good at manipulating people actually

goddamnit saionji. he's back on his "the rose bride and i" bullshit. that conversation with touga and akio must have dragged him back. the fact that he's leaning on akio's car support this

GODDAMNIT SAIONJI GET OFF OF HER. ANTHY IS A PERSON AND SHE SHOULDN'T "BELONG" TO ANYONE

the shadow girl play is about interpersonal conflict in everyday life and how it's "hard to work as a team." is the team utena and miki? or is it utena and anthy? or is it touga and saionji? i wanna say utena and anthy

another version of zettai unmei mokushiroku, but this time it's rock? the vocals are definitely less at the forefront here

and it's a completely different animated sequence. also anthy fuckin. disappearing when utena gets to the elevator, and leaves behind her clothes--anthy as a normal girl being an illusion? utena not really knowing or reaching anthy?

oh nvm anthy just showed up again

anthy's school uniform full of a pink rose bush, huh

i remember reading some comment saying that utena taking the stairs up vs the black rose duelists taking the elevator down represented like...the hard work to get to a good place/do the right thing vs falling into being a bad person. except now utena is taking an elevator, which is much less effortful

saionji shows up with the car again. akio's car. the symbol of being The Manliest, or of having power.

"The Rose Bride has no will of her own" *EXTREMELY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER*

"i'm gonna have to beat you to make you understand, huh?" ain't that a shonen trope

ohohoho! anthy's pulling the sword out of utena this time!

"grant US the power to bring the world revolution" OH MY GOD. oh my GOD. the team WAS anthy and utena, and they're actually working as a team!

the duel song singing about a "perpetual motion machine" and how it's just "empty movement," right after the changed line about revolution...yeah i think it's about the hypocrisy and futility of trying to "revolutionize" a system through the system

did saionji get hit by that car? his own ideals of masculinity betrayed him...this is what happens when you swallow the gender ideals/norms of a system that does not care about you

touga and akio being manipulative together (and akio being creepy again)

...damn i focused a lot on saionji didn't i? maybe i should have focused on utena or anthy more. on the other hand as an early-transition and very masculine trans man saionji represents a very real danger for me, like a walking talking lesson in how not to approach masculinity/manhood. and there's no femininity in me at all, except my history (and that was imposed femininity, not natural femininity), so...idk, their experiences seem further from mine? or maybe it's just, you know, my habit of getting attached to unpopular angry antagonistic characters rather than the protagonists. (anakin skywalker, fire lord ozai, mage viren, chisaki kai, bakugo katsuki, flam kish...yeah.) it might be subconscious/internalized misogyny but i really hope it's not that. i also genuinely think it's not that, or if it plays a part it plays only a small part, but

also wait did utena even touch saionji? cuz it looks a lot like the car swerved and hit him itself. utena might not have been the one to actually defeat him even with 'dios' coming down. plus the way utena looked at him afterwards looked basically like pity or sympathy, definitely not triumph.

at least anthy resisted akio somewhat this time

oh shit that's not a blanket. that's a person. made of stars and sky? is that supposed to be akio?

Oh also, along with writing the December 2023 Monthly Short Piece today, I finally watched the first episode of Revolutionary Girl Utena after days of seeing a moot post about it and--

"I am the Rose Bride. From this day forward, I belong to you."

i am going to murder everyone in this damn school for anthy

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

#10

I'm taking a lot. Maybe 700s. Stressed and I don't want to think anymore. Plus, I'm hoping while I'm coming up I'll be a little motivated to clean my room and get in the shower rq.

AFTERMATH

Uh I only ended up taking 400 and I just passed out after a while. The day after wasn't tooo bad. Was no major weird feelings I just had a really hard time waking up

NOTES/EMOTIONS

R has been having health issues and I have this random brown spot on my finger that's been hurting really bad. Plus, the place I interviewed for ended up not calling me so. Lol. I thought after calling me so soon after they did that screening was a sign. But no. Ig I have 60 days til they won't be considering me at all so I it's possible I'll still get it. But I'm not very optimistic about that

I also just got a letter that my old school is now back to charging me 2k? Don't know how that happened. But I'm not complaining.. Tho they only gave me 12 months to pay it off so. I'm going to have to keep 200 on deck every month for the next year or so

I think I'm going to get started with the work from home shit. I didn't really want to. I was trying to avoid having to fake being cheery for 8 hours a day but my dad said no to the one place I was pretty much guaranteed to get in, the other place interested in an interview ghosted since I took 3 days to get back to them, and the other place I interviewed for never called back. So until I start getting offers otherwise, ig this is my only option

R is kinda. Been a sore subject for me for a little bit. I feel like now that I've shifted my thinking about us, I am a lot less upset about her getting sad/happy about nonsense going on with her partner. You know the saying if someone loves you, you'll know? I think that I haven't been as slick with my feelings as I thought.

Her health issues have been leaving her spiraling and getting high to deal with the pain. That plus her girlfriend has been being really weird about her issues. She keeps dipping. It grosses me out a lot tbh. But anyway yeah. All that going on has been affecting her alot. To a point where she forgot my birthday completely. And I wasn't even upset. I never even thought about being mad. She was kinda beating herself up over it, and at one point was just mad that even after all that going on on my end and all that she's "done" I was still worried about her. And it made me look at myself like oh my god..

I still doubt if my feelings are fr but it kinda seems like it's obvious now. But I kinda feel bad that I can't hide it. On one hand, I'm partially glad cause I can be an example of what it really looks like and maybe someday it'll make her look at her relationship critically. But on the other, I hate that I can't respect her relationship more you know? I'm sure anyone can see it atp and it makes me sad that like. I could possibly cause problems down the line. What if someday her girlfriend gets mad that she's still friends with someone that so clearly has feelings for her? Or like what if someday she does end up breaking up with her girlfriend and then she feels obligated to feel the same towards me? Or what if I'm making her feel guilty for not treating me the same way i treat her even though it's literally not in her hands? Just like.. i hate that I can't just switch this shit off. Or better cloak it.

Ofc like, I guess you could see it as me being a really good friend but I feel like everyone sees through that at this point. It just makes me feel powerless and I feel so horrible that I'm causing problems just by existing atp

Oh I forgot to include this. The rant I did on my sister's relationship is a general gist of what I feel like I'm seeing from my best friend's relationship. So, I can't even blame her for being a dumbass rn. And I don't really want her now cause of that anyway. Well. Not like that. I do but. I'd rather her come to me with a clear head than coming to me as a rebound. Plus, if she's away from her girlfriend off of shit that's not either on her own terms or something that she's already processed and alright with, it wouldn't be worth it. I'd rather her learn the lesson and not endlessly chase no matter how much she's put through.

Bruh. Should I be learning that lesson?? My lordddd. ALRIGHT BUT. She doesn't do the shit TOOOO hurt me and I haven't opened up about half of it. ANd and the shit we actually talked through she was quick to fix it. So to meeeeee even though I'm not getting the same energy back, it's not something I can compare to that shit. She's not treating me poorly even after and I'm not changing myself to accommodate her. SO. I'm diff. Ish

I'm gonna clean now. Or something. I'm going to spiral if I dig any deeper into what I'm thinking rn.