#also I’m scared of starting it only for my hyperfixation to wear off right after

[thatsapphicsoprano]

I kinda want to start a Jane Austen club at my university !! but I don’t know if I would have the time to commit to running it and I don’t know if anyone would join… but I’ve been thinking about it and I think it could be fun ??? 

[abeanblogs]

Lol, please forgive my randomness, but She Ra x Breath of the Wild. If Double Trouble met Revali and Urbosa, how do you think they'll get along? Urbosa, I think, would be a lil suspicious, but is nice to them, and them and Revali would actually be friends! But if our lil shapeshifter got hurt, Urbosa and Revali would protect them UwU just like we would. Lol, sorry if this is long, I just had a lot to say. Have a good day/night

(This is the third time I’m writing this god damn it)

Am I going to put too much thought into the idea of an impossible crossover between two of my biggest hyperfixations? You better believe I am.

Let’s start with Mipha. It would take some trust-building, but Double Trouble would be just about the only person she’d be able to talk to. They know ALL about the weird love triangle between her, Link, and Zelda. They try to convince her to confront one of them about it, but no dice. But they did convince her to talk to the next best source: Urbosa.

Urbosa is very intuitive. She’s one of the few people that can scope out Double Trouble, no matter what form they take. So they’ve made it a mission to try and fool her. One day, shy little Mipha goes up to her to ask her about how Zelda feels about Link. Urbosa just smirked and goes, “seeking out a little gossip to dish, aren’t you, Double Trouble?” This makes Mipha incredibly flustered/confused, and you can just hear DT laughing in another room. DT also picked up on calling Zelda “little bird/birdie”, and Urbosa calls DT “chameleon” or “Lizalfos/Lizal.”

Revali and Double Trouble would be a nightmare of mutual ego-boosting. Revali is amazed by DT’s abilities and acting. He’s always suspicious of everyone being DT in disguise, but he’s not very good at figuring out when it is DT or not. He’ll walk up to a random Hylian soldier or Rito and try and scare them or say a very out-of-context inside joke that only DT would know to get them to break character. He’s maybe right 25% of the time. The other times, DT walks right up behind him when he’s “investigating” someone and says something like, “looking for someone?” Which immediately embarasses him. Double Trouble envies Revali’s fame as the hero of Rito Village, since most people immediately distrust them. But they often stoke each other’s egos. DT will shift into Link and play the “woe is me, how will I ever defeat Ganon?!” schtick, much to Revali’s amusement. He’s a great audience.

Double Trouble found Link dull at first, since he doesn’t talk/react much. But the moment they realize there’s a lot more to him than the “strong and silent chosen one” archetype, Link becomes one of the most interesting people for them to study. They become determined to get him to open up, and they do so with food and making him laugh. They more or less become the therapist of the group. They even help Link figure out his gender/sexuality after seeing how he acts in Gerudo Town. What cis man would react the way Link did to wearing girl’s clothes?

To Double Trouble, Zelda is another interesting character. It’s not often a princess starts off resenting her “knight in shining armor.” They help her navigate her feelings for Link and to realize her true desires beyond her destiny, much like they did with Catra. And they’re really good at making her laugh when she gets too stressed out.

Daruk? I don’t know, they probably get along okay. But DT loves to tease him about his fear of dogs.

[trainwreck-in-glitter]

WHAT EUPHORIA GETS RIGHT ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS:

the high fucking highs: EG (“when I feel good I think it’ll last forever, but it doesn’t” at the Halloween party when rues attempted to kiss jules who rejects her again) I can’t relate to rues manic episode, since I don’t have bipolar but her jittery display of chain-smoking, obsessive thoughts, sleep deprivation, numbing the pain with coffee and taking more steps than she needs to captured the obsessive side of OCD very well, as well as the: COUNTING. I’ve had to repeat numbers in my head over and over and watching rue just start hysterically crying as a child during trying to complete that compulsion fucken’ sent me because I’d never seen an accurate nuanced way of this shown on television. I loved that her OCD wasn’t reduced to cleaning obsessively (EX’ Emma from Glee) even though many people struggle with OCD compulsions of that kind it’s a bit of an overused trope almost like a laughing track in sitcoms, and usually doesn’t serve the characters development in any purpose having their OCD solely exist for neurotypical characters to make sarcastic jokes about.

the l-o-w fucking lows: EX’ rue being glued to her bed for two days unable to engage with anyone or even get up to fucking piss resulting in a painful difficult to watch ¿UTI¿ scene. At a time I experienced severe intrusive thoughts I neglected taking care of myself so much that my hair formed dreadlocks and took hours to brush knots all out.

pushing everyone away: EX’ (I mean just look at the first gif, as well as how rue loses it at Lexi when she tries to check in on her.) while people struggling with any kind of mental illness have a tendency to isolate (espesh in cases of severe depression/mood disorders) however it’s not always aggressive sometimes it’s quiet silence in your room for a week and a half feeling completely immobilised (like with Jules during rues own depressive, she unknowningky sinks into one herself to the extent where her dad is concerned).

feeling like a burden: whether it’s because of your mental illness, low self image or like rue your addiction issues impacting those around you, rue confesses this to Lexi who in true Howard fashion holds her and tries to affirm that she’s nothing like that. Often feeling like your own problems are too heavy for anyone to bear or understand adds to the hopelessness and potentially it could be one of the biggest roadblocks to anyone’s recovery particularly Rue’s

being heavily affected by external factors, more so than normal: like social aspects of your life EX’ (Rue’s codependency on Jules, and Jules’ search for affirmation in sexual relationships, Rue’s nerves upon returning to school particularly hit me (I had a three week hospitalisation and received treatment that kept me off school frequently, and the responses from peers was right on). when noticed again Maddy tells Rue herself she thought she was dead and another friend in her car shouts for rue to “get in Casper!”. Things like school, relationships, daily tasks and functioning can feel a million time harder when you’re battling your own head, the way Euphoria demonstrates this is so raw and realistic it really hit home for me. This becomes even more heightened when people are dealing with trauma/grief ex’ (rue still carrying the grief of her dad and wearing his hoodie frequently and maddy going on a bender taking molly at the carnival forgetting to eat for two days after nate assaults her resulting in her having to be rushed into emergency where they find the marks).

addiction and the feeling of needing to escape your own head: rue will take around about any drug just to temporarily forget her own anxieties, she’s willing to lie (in drug tests by using her sober friends pee), and fight tooth and nail even if it’s against the people she loves/cares about eg: her family, fezco, etc). her addictive personality is made apparent by her obsessive behaviours, codependency with Jules, hyperfixations (watching 22 hours of love island straight) and then again in her drug use. zendaya does an amazing job at selling this all, the way her face slowly sinks from the depths of depression into what looks like she’s gotten a relieving breath of air conveys what exactly she’s getting out of this. with any addiction whether it’s substance abuse, sex addiction, eating disorders, skin picking disorders, etc there’s a need to escape but there’s also a sense of safety/reprieve from what’s making you need that escape. for Rue who is heavily characterised by her own self-blame eg: being scared of people she loves being mad at her like in that scene with Jules, the way she cried when she saw her mother and sister sleeping beside her in hospital when she woke up from her overdose, and in one of earliest narrations where she states “if I could be a different person I would, not because I want it but because they want it” and even asks Jules after she admits to being in love with her if she wishes she was different and Jules responded in the negative. she seems to want to dissociate herself because she feels the weight of her as a whole is too much for anyone and will only be disappointing. it’s sordidly relatable for anyone with low self esteem and as a rue stan the candidness can make the scenes hard to watch.

to recover or sink: rue says herself in narration that after rehab she had no intention of staying clean and for the first few episodes or so she was using to the point where she almost had an overdose in front of very traumatised Jules who then sets an ultimatum that in order for them to maintain their “friendship” rue needs to stop using and rue agrees almost immediately. the look of guilt and shame on her face as she cuddles into Jules who is still shocked and upset saying to rue “I’ve had enough traumatic shit in my life, I’m not trying to be best friends with someone who’s trying to kill themselves”. rue remains sober but clings to Jules almost in replacement, most of rues innocent crush was well innocent and very high school realistic in the way that everything feels heightened. and for a while rue is at her happiest, her best friend since childhood even saying to Jules “it’s because of you” which fairly overwhelms her because being somebody’s sole reason for recovery isn’t long term manageable OR healthy for either party. expanding on this the blame Jules gets for Rue’s relapse is a way we’re perpetuating that their codependent dynamic wasn’t detrimental to either of them, which is wrong. Jules felt immense pressure which in turn tainted her relationship with Rue, and Rue was readily giving more to a relationship where the other person wasn’t ready to reciprocate. Jules and Rue ultimately have a beautiful dynamic together and I’d love to see more of them in season 2 but I’d like it to be in some time when they’ve both explored and identified what they’re both wanting. Because I refusE to settle for anything less than #Kethan after the finale. anywho this all meant Rues hinted relapse in the finale had an inevitable quality to it, because she wasn’t changing because she wanted it but because they did. I feel that one line perfectly captures exactly what would have led to that relapse, from personal experience I tried to actively recover from an eating disorder to please my family but quickly relapsed because ultimately challenging thoughts that have been in your head for so long JUST FOR other people stops being rewarding too quickly because as much as they may want to be an active support system they don’t have the access to rewire your brain. I challenged my meal plan but not the thoughts telling me I was disgusting. Rue still felt like a burden, she never challenged that only the drug use. it would be amazing to see Rue in therapy or even just actively attempting self care and explaining how and why that might feel so hard to someone struggling. I think Euphoria this season has set up a perfect segway for the second season, and so far they have managed to portray the complexities of being a teenager with a mental illness in glitter while keeping it relatable and not being exploitative. I think after seeing Rues chronic struggle it would be really cool to see a character representing what recovery actually looks like when it comes from the right place, having that positive representation of trying to be proactive while struggling and still having questions would be a new arc for Rue and it would really show her growth however after the city incident only time will tell 😪

[nosferatyou]

I was tagged by @lazingonsunday and @shes-outta-sight to do one of the long tag, get to know them, type of things. Which I absolutely love by the way. I don’t talk about myself much.

What was the last thing you read?

Well I was editing the latest chapter of my fic of that counts? If not some random josh one shot a couple hours ago lol.

Favorite Movie?

Man it’s ever revolving. It was Django Unchained for a long ass time, but now I think it’s Baby Driver.

Favorite Book?

Misery by Stephen King. I read it years ago and I have a lot of good memories tied to it. Me and my friend became closer through his works and this was the first one I read. It’ll stay close in my heart.

Dream Date?

It’s one I’ve been on before but just Vinyl Shopping. It’s simple and easy but music in a relationship is important to me. I gotta make sure they have good picks. But there is something so soft about it all.

Do you have a crush?

Sadly no. But I’m fully in Joshes lane rn if that means anything?

What are your hobbies?

Oof okay. I mostly draw like all hours of the day. But I very actively keep up with guitar and bass. I write as well. I make videos for my friends. I collect old and beat up vinyls. Lot of art stuff

Favorite time of day?

Night time. Like from hours 10-3. That’s my true alone time and it’s something I cherish and look forward to everyday.

If you could look like anything, what would you like to look like?

I don’t wish to change anything about my body. I think I’d be silly to. But man I wish I could actually afford clothes I’d like to wear. Real bellbottoms you know? I want that vintage shit.

Are you romantic?

In a secure relationship yes. I show too much emotion too fast in the beginning. But boy oh boy when I get romantic. I get very touchy feely. Man date ideas. Lot of carefully curated playlists.

Favorite type of weather?

That time in like August/September when I can wear jeans and maybe a light jacket. But it’s still warm, you know?

What do you like talking about?

Music. I talk about it all day long. The foundation behind it. The artist. I could discuss guitars and instruments with people all damn day. I just. I love everything about it. But also GVF is my hyperfixation rn and my friend is ready to shoot my head off if I speak another word about Jakes guitar playing.

What are your turn ons?

Ngl I’m akin to a boy with long hair. It’s my vice. I’ve only dated long haired musicians. But I just want someone who radiates some kind of light you know? I’ve seen too much darkness. I want someone genuine and real. Is it too much to ask for a positive person?

What are your turn offs?

I’ve dealt with a lot in my past. Basically anything that’s negative. Ignorance mostly. I don’t want someone who refuses to learn. It’s stupid. I just want honesty and someone with an open mind. Anything else is a no go.

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

Okay so. I really want tattoos. I designed something about a year ago I want really badly but it’s so expensive. Thinking rationally. Right now I’d really like some line art of bust. Idk what tho.

Do you have any pets?

3! 2 dogs, Ruby and Nellie, both too six year old mutts. Nellie is the weirdest god damn dog I’ve ever had. And ruby is basically a fox dog. And then there is Friday my cat. He can be a bitch boy but he’s a sweet boy who’s just being a cat. (I also have ten plants but most people don’t consider them pets)

Dream Job?

I’m still searching for that. Recently my heads been floating towards playing live shows as a guitar or bass player. But I’m no where near the point of even considering. I’m pretty shitty. But how Cool would it be to play that violin bow with my guitar on stage?

Dream place to live?

Not considering any potential jobs. I just want to live in a big log cabin somewhere on the outskirts of a town. Out in the wilderness and free to just live.

Dream vacation?

I’ve never been to Europe. I’d love to just road trip around in a van honestly. But before that visit my great grandfather grave in Scotland. He was a kings hand and did a lot back in the day. I’d be cool to see. But then I’d fuck around in Europe.

Do you have any piercings?

I’ve got my nose and ears pierced. I’m pretty happy with that

If you had kids what would you name them?

Man I don’t even want to think about that.

What are your best traits?

I’m a great listener. I’m extremely compassionate. Will do anything to help friends. And I feel like my music taste isn’t half bad.

Worst traits?

The compassionate thing tends to bite me in the ass. I’ve got a lot of emotions. I also have 20 things I want to do all at once all the time. I loose sleep because of it. There is more but I’d go on too long.

Worst fear?

Weirdly enough any type of natural disaster. When I was way too young I watched “The Impossible” and then shortly after learned about techtonic plates and I never forgotten about it or where they are.

What do you want to eat right now?

Brownies. And a fucking burrito.

Best vacation you’ve been on?

I went on a road trip to Chicago recently and I just makes so many good memories. I saw ninja sex party’s 10th anniversary, which was fantastic. But I got to visit a friend all weekend. But my favorite part was the ride back. The whole time we just talked but also sang to old 50s songs and just had this moment of unity. I still think about it

Favorite City?

I haven’t been to too many places yet so I’m gonna go with my hometown, Nashville. If you look past all the tourists. It’s got a very rich musical history and in certain places you just feel it. I loved living there and it made me who I was.

Favorite social media platform?

Tumblr. It’s really the only one I ever check anymore. Plus I’ve made some great friends on here.

Favorite article of clothing?

My fucking bellbottoms. I wear them whenever I can. They give me so much confidence.

Do you play any sports?

Fuck no. I have no coordination whatsoever.

Favorite meal of the day?

Lunch. You have a lot more options. Plus I just like the vibe

What are you excited for?

Starting the tenth I have a lot of good things coming my way. In that week I get to finally end this semester, the new Harry styles album releases, I get a new bass, and I get to see fucking Greta Van Fleet. None of you know how excited I am for that. Pit tickets. Jesus it’ll be good.

Not excited for?

Finals. And an um.. upcoming funeral.

When was the last time you cried?

I honestly can’t remeber and that really scares me.

Dream house?

I basically answered this earlier but gimme that big ass log cabin.

Something you hate about this world?

Don’t get my started. I hate that everyone hates themselves all the time when they have no reason to. I hate that 8 people have most of the worlds money and are doing nothing to help global warming. I hate the man that’s in power and what he’s helped cause. I hate everyone who refuses to accept literally any fact. I hate that my future is bleak because of some old ass white men.

Something you love about this world?

I love the light that radiates off of certain people. I love that our generation has hope and that some people are actually trying to make change. I love the raw creativity I see in others and I love that we are bringing back the resurgence of peace and love.

What scents do you like?

Old records and books. Its the simple pleasures.

What kind of sleeper are you?

Typically heavy but sometimes I Sleep so little it feels like I got nothing at all.

Cat or dog person?

Don’t make me pick! I grew up with both, and very partial to both.

How long would you survive in a zombie Apocolypse?

I wish I could tell you. I’d like to think I’d live awhile but I would probably be the ones who look like they have hope and then accidentally get taken out.

Are you trusting?

I used to be. I realized recently how thick my walls really are.

What fictional character do you identify with?

Sorry to be boring but nothing is coming to mind. But then again I never felt akin to anyone really?

What labels do you commonly get?

In high school I was called “the quiet one” if that tells you anything.

What song would be your life anthem?

Sunshine on my shoulders by John Denver is the only one coming to mind. I think I just want the feeling it gives me to be what I feel all the time.

What issues are you dealing with right now?

Two friends in the last month Um. Took their own lives. One being an old friend. I’ve never dealt with death. My brain doesn’t know how to handle it. I also think I might have ADD. But. That’s the tip of the iceberg rn

How can someone win you over?

Typically I’m drawn to people who are the loudest in the room. I like that their confident and can speak their minds but what wins me over about them is when they really open up. When I learn about the real then rather than the face that they put on. Most of the time it goes that way.

What’s something people don’t know about you?

I’m making a short film with some friends who go to Columbia. Should be out soonish.

I tag

@pvre-mourning @peacelovekiszka @fretavangleet @aint-no-denying @sosozoso

[jamesholden]

so, imma get real for a sec here, fam

To start from the top, Holden has been my favorite character since I picked up book one. Before I knew that my love of 12 years Steven Strait was playing him. Before I even really knew how alike me and him are. He’s always been the easiest for my to connect to. Someone with so much nuance who is so sensitive and kind and fun and friendly who goes through such a dark time that he loses all of that and has to fight himself to get it all back. Someone who subverts and kicks around so many tropes that he could be a soccer player. I really love Holden.

So here’s the rub. I fixate. And I hyperfixated on Holden because i see so much of myself in him and that’s pretty hard for me to do because there’s so much going on in my head. I was going through some deep emotional and self-confidence shit when I got into The Expanse and seeing Holden get through his own shit and also constantly working to keep himself afloat and be the person he wants to be (aka the person deserving of Naomi’s love but that’s not the point here) really helped me start trying to feel better and to be better. Because he was so much like me I thought I could do it. I mean I know I seem fun and confident and like I don’t care what anyone thinks but like... that is so beyond false it’s kind of hilarious.

So here I was hoping to find a fandom who might love Holden as much as I do and not only was I kinda disappointed, but I kept seeing people just talk about how horrible he is and how annoying he is and how he could die and the show/books would be better and all these other things but what really got me was seeing people say negative things about his personality that I share with him. And that hit me hard. Really hard. I work hard to accept myself because i’ve been bullied and misunderstood and played because I have some mental things that make me difficult for some people to understand or for me to express myself succinctly. And seeing people publically talk down on things I’m trying really hard to love about myself or to improve in myself... was super disheartening. And it made me want to defend Holden.

Holden isn’t perfect. as Steven’s said he wears his flaws on his sleeve. He doesn’t hide them. He does good and bad things and he acts out when he’s not okay and that’s not okay. But I do think he sometimes gets an unfair amount of vitriol and very little positive character studies compared to everyone else even when they’re not behaving well either and I get defensive. I wanted to make sure that someone was out there saying that he’s a good person who makes mistakes. That I believe he should and will make up for what he’s done and grow and be better. Because he can and he will! He has a long arc with subtle changes and it plays out differently and he’s suffering from PTSD and that last fact is always lost because... what does it matter? It’s just fucking Holden. And like I’m not okay with that when everyone else gets all this love and attention towards their trauma and how they deal with it but Holden just has to shoulder his? Of course I don’t think he should be taking it out on his crew, but shouldn’t we want him to connect with someone or get help like we want Amos to? Or like we wanted Alex to after he lost those Belters? Or Miller after he lost Julie? It just seemed like everyone brushed it under the rug like with every other important part of his character because “oh he’s just an asshole” or whatever. 

But I think in all of that I just got very pushy and aggressive and impulsive and I started to question myself every time I said something or got on the defense or got very aggressive with my defense and I really started to wonder if I was just being an asshole. I wondered if people just didn’t like me or didn’t like talking to me because I scared them off or they didn’t want to talk about what I like with me because I feel very strongly about what I like. I’ve been accused of being difficult to talk to by like my own mother when it comes to things i’m passionate about and it’s something I’m really scared of. And it’s kind of become clear to me that that’s probably what’s happening.

So, I want to apologize. For being this person I’ve been trying not to be and being it anyway. I’m probably going to back off on a lot of like... aggressive or defensive posts about Holden. I’ll still make all my jokey posts and my positive for the sake of being positive posts because I still need them in the tags to stay sane. Also because I just love to make jokes about Holden. And I’ll still defend him when he actually needs defending. I mean all this is part of why I don’t liveblog on here anymore. To avoid getting upset and to avoid saying things I shouldn’t. But I’m not going to keep coming off like everyone is wrong and I’m right by posting every time i’m angry or upset or hurt.

I don’t want to be an asshole. I want to make sure I’m being the friend and fan I want to be. I’ve spoken up for everyone’s right to express themselves and have fun and to express their own interpretations and opinions without people attacking them or talking down to them or treating them like their wrong. And I have to make sure I’m practicing what I preach. So yeah.

Sorry guys. And thanks for being so patient with me.

[a-calm-night]

MY BREAST REDUCTION 2017

INTRODUCTION: One of the first things I did when I began considering surgery was google other people’s experiences. It was instrumental in deciding that it something I wanted to do, and took away a lot of the fear and uncertainty out of the decision. If those people hadn’t taken the time to put their experiences into written words I may not be where I am now, so hopefully by doing this I can help another big-boobed individual take their first step to a more comfortable life. 

I was totally flat-chested until I was about 14-years-old, and then in the span of 6 months shot through the ranks until I could no longer accurately determine my size. I knew one thing though, because every fucking person who laid eyes on me felt the need to tell me: they were big. I’ve had a lot of shitty experiences because of my body; from being referred to as ‘Tits’ by boys I thought I had become familiar enough with that they would bother to remember my name, to being called a slut on multiple occasions by a friend’s mother all because I dared to show a little cleavage (which is hard not to do when they’re that size. Now that I’m older I can’t believe that an adult would say that to a young teenager. Seriously disgusting behaviour). I know that in their own convoluted way most of the time when people made comments they meant it as some sort of compliment but by the 500th time you hear that shit its like, look, I KNOW they’re big, okay? I LIVE WITH THEM. I KNOW THEY’RE BIG. STOP. TELLING. ME. 

Then there’s the physical aspect of it all where everything hurts all the time and you can’t run or jump around or dare to move too quickly. Theres’s the back issues and the shoulder issues and the neck issues and all the rest of it. That sucked too, but to be honest it was always the mental and social side of things that bothered me the most. 

I’d say I was around 17 when I first started looking into surgery. I kept telling myself that I wanted to do it and that I would do it but just kept putting it off out of fear and aversion to being cut open. I’m 21 now, and it was in January this year that I kicked myself into gear and started making actual moves towards it. I’d started taking anti-depressants a few months before that time and I think that having that extra motivation, confidence and energy was a huge catalyst. 

THE SET UP: I went to my GP and asked for a referral. The GP asked me some question re: why I wanted a reduction, why I thought I needed one etc and once she was satisfied asked me if there were any surgeons I had in mind. I’d done some research and picked out a surgeon in my city that I liked the look of. She was one of the only Docs in Adelaide that actually had a gallery of her surgeries on her site to look at, and she had over 10 years experience specialising in breast augmentation - you can look at her website >here< if you want. The GP recommended another local surgeon who I had also already looked into, but a lot of her reviews said she had an attitude problem and as someone who has difficulty even making eye contact with people I really didn’t think I could handle that, so I asked for a referral for my pick instead. 

Dr. Anderson had gone away for the new year, so it wasn’t until March that I was able to get in to see her (or February, or maybe April? My memory is really fuzzy on that for some reason). Anyway, when I had my appointment with her she took a look at my breasts. Her thoughts were that they were too large for my frame, with quite a lot of asymmetry (which is correct, I’d say my left side was a good 2 or 3 cups smaller), and that genetically they’d grown more on the top that the bottom which had resulted in a saggier appearance (also true, my nipples were far too low). Then she sat down with me and explained what the procedure would be and how she would do it. She asked me some questions about my health and family history, and gave me some information sheets. It was quite fast-paced but not in a rude way - it was just another rodeo for her while for me it was something life changing. After we were finished I went out to the front desk and the receptionist lady asked me if I wanted to book my surgery there and then, or take some time to think about it. I’d liked Dr. Anderson and was already set on my course of action so I decided to book my surgery date on the spot. Originally I was set for the 16th of May but due to some education I was fulfilling at the time I later had to move it to September the 18th. The suspense was maddening, I just wanted to get it over and done with.

THE SURGERY: Dr. Anderson decided to go with an ‘Anchor’ incision for my surgery, with some liposuction on the right-hand-side where I had some excess fat on the connection from my armpit to my breast. The anchor incision is described as:

The “anchor” breast reduction incision pattern follows around the perimeter of the areola, moving to a vertical line from the areola down to the breast crease, and then horizontally along the breast crease.

But how I would describe it is that she cuts underneath the boob fold, then in a line up and around the nipple. Y’know, like an anchor shape. She then takes out the excess breast tissue, and brings the nipple upwards to a more aesthetically balanced area before sewing everything back together. Then everything gets taped up with hyperfix dressings. Drains are inserted to take away the excess fluid your body produces to replace what is lost, and are removed 24 - 48 hours after surgery. 

THE ACTUAL SURGERY: I was told to check into the hospital 6.30am. I woke up at 2.30 that morning freaking the fuck out. I was determined and excited, but still scared. Of course I’d entertained the thought that everything could go horribly wrong and was getting flashbacks to the unhealthy amount of ‘Botched’ episodes I’d been watching leading up to The Big Day.

This next section is very long so I’m going to do dot points to seperate it out a bit.

- Check into hospital. Sign in at desk, fill out some paper work. I’d had to fill out and send in a booklet of admittance information detailing things like my height, weight, current medication, living address, next of kin etc so they already had most of my information. 

- Nurse comes to take me up to the second waiting area, where I sat for maybe 10 minutes before a different nurse took me into the pre-operative area. She took my weight and then we went into a curtained-off room where she went through and confirmed the information I’d given them and had me sign some consent forms. She gave me my hospital gown to change into and one of those towel-fabric dressings gowns, and a blanket. I also had to wear these super sexy surgery stockings that went up to my groin and were very tight, to stop blood clots from forming during surgery. Then she painted me up with this detol-like disinfectant and left to let it dry. 

- Dr. Anderson comes in a draws up her incision patterns. The anaesthesiologist also came in and asked a few questions like when I’d last eaten and if I was a smoker, confirmed my weight and height and some other details. Dr. Anderson took a ‘before’ photo and left to get scrubbed in. - Man comes in and gets me set up in a wheelchair and a heated blanket before rolling me across the hospital to the room where they’d be performing the surgery. There was a little room with a bed that I got into and was introduced to one of the nurses who’d be assisting, and she confirmed my info again before I was taken into the operating theatre. 

- Lay down on the operating table and meet the other guy who’s assisting. At my initial appointment with Dr. Anderson after I decided to book my surgery with her they had me fitted with a post-operative surgery bra, which they now laid underneath me so they could easily do up after they were done. 

- The anaesthesiologist put an IV in my arm and put a mask up to my face and told me I would fall asleep in a few seconds. That was a strange experience. I was totally awake one second and then I tasted this awful acidic taste, was hit with a brief but blinding headache and then boom... gone. 

- Next thing I know I’m waking up and there’s this absolute angel of a nurse (who I never actually saw ‘cause I had my eyes closed the whole time but her voice became my crutch in that first post-op hour) asking me if I wanted some water and showing me where my pain relief button is. Apparently I had a lot of pink surgery paint on my face which she made a valiant effort to remove and put some lip balm on my lips because they were super dry and I was really dehydrated, not having had any food or liquid since the day before (gotta fast before surgery so that you don’t choke on your vomit while your under anaesthetic).

- I was in that post-op area for maybe an hour? I was drifting in and out of unconsciousness and doped up so my perception of time was pretty screwy.  I just remember angel-nurse telling me my room was ready and that she would be guiding the bed there. Apparently the beds have sensors or something that follow marks on the floor so all the nurses have to do is press a button and the bed drives itself, thought that was pretty cool.

- They took me into my room and I fell asleep again until I hear my mum’s voice asking the nurse how I was doing. It was a few hours later and she’d come in to visit. The hospital staff were doing their afternoon tea round so I had a coffee and some cake, and more water. I literally cannot describe how thirsty I was, even hooked up to an IV drip. Mum sat with me for like an hour but I kept passing out on her so we decided there wasn’t much point in her hanging around. 

- The nurses came in once every hour to take my blood pressure, temperature, and oxygen levels. I had an IV in my left arm and another tube I think was probably the pain relief. The drains were coming out from both sides just underneath my armpits but they were really thin and I didn’t even realise they were there until I went to the toilet later and had to hold onto the collection bags. I had a blood-pressure cuff wrapped around my other arm so that they didn’t have to bother me to connect it every time they came in, and an oxygen reader clipped to my finger, and I had a vice grip on my pain relief remote. I didn’t actually use it all that much but it was comforting knowing that it was there. I also had these weird massage things connected to my legs to keep the blood flowing. 

- I pretty much slept for the first 6 hours or so, drifting in and out and waking when the nurses came to check all my stats. The lady I was sharing a room with was watching the news, I had a TV too but I didn’t want to turn it on and have the sounds clashing together so I just listened to hers mostly. I had my phone on the table connected to my bed but I felt to groggy to really use it. They brought in some dinner (tomato pasta and mash) I thought it tasted pretty good. I’m not sure if hospital food just has a bad rap or if it was because I was SO hungry.

- My roomie left around 7pm and I had the room to myself after that. One of the nurses came in and folded back the room dividers and curtains so I could see out the windows, which was a nice thought. The hospital is up on a hill so you get a view of the highway and the city in the distance so it was nice to have something to look at. I didn’t sleep much that night but I’d been sleeping all day anyway and was still kind of dopey so I wasn’t that bothered. 

- Morning eventually came around and I had some breakfast and the nurses came in and asked if I was feeling up to going home. I had the option to stay another night but I was feeling pretty good and just wanted to go home to my own bed. Dr. Anderson came in checked everything out, and the nurses got me set up with my prescribed pain killers. They took out the drains, which didn’t hurt nearly as much as I’d been dreading. It was more of a strange and uncomfortable pulling sensation. The lady taking them out had me take a deep breath and exhale as she pulled them out, which is a technique I would highly recommend. 

- I was discharged around 10:30am, went home to bed, had some lunch, and slept a lot. You’re supposed to sleep sitting somewhat upright which was a lot easier in hospital with the adjustable bed, but at home I had to prop myself up with pillows which was pretty uncomfortable but for the first day or two I was too tired to really care. Later, I ended up sleeping on a beanbag but this post is long enough already so I’ll make a seperate one detailing the recovery so far.

THE PAYMENT: I live in South Australia so my experience with this is probably vastly different from someone who lives in another country, or even another state. I’m lucky enough to have private health insurance which means that I didn‘t have to pay for the hospital stay itself, and was able to get some of the other fees at a lower rate. 

There were three categories of payment: The Surgeon, the anaesthesiologist, and the assistance fee.

In my case, the surgeon was owed $5000, the anaesthetic was $500, and the assistance fee was $750. I’ll be getting some money back from the Private Health fund from the assistance, but I’m not sure how much. $5000 for the surgeon is a bit more expensive than some of the others I looked into considering I can’t claim that payment with the PH, but I knew I wanted Dr.Anderson so I was willing to pay. Surgery... is expensive. I’m lucky enough to live at home with my parents who charge me only a pittance to live with them, and have a relatively stable income as an aged care worker. I’ve always been a hardcore money-hoarder (AKA, a cheapskate), and knowing that surgery was something I wanted gave me the extra motivation to save enough to pay for it all. 

That being said, if you live in Australia you can go through this procedure under medicare! The reason I chose not to do this is because I wanted to choose my surgeon myself, choose which hospital the procedure was done in, and choose when the surgery itself would be performed. I don’t have all the info on this but its my understanding that through medicare you don’t have much of say in who, where, or when its done. One of my coworkers is getting her mammoplasty done through medicare so if anyone wants more info regarding this, I can ask her no worries :) 

This is all a lot longer than I had intended for it to be and I’ve been writing for hours so I’ll stop myself here. I am almost at the one-month post-op milestone so I’ll write a seperate post detailing my recovery in a few days.

If anyone has any questions regarding this surgery please, please, feel free to ask. It makes it so much less scary and easier if you have someone you can grill for info, and I’m happy to be that person for anyone considering surgery no matter what stage you’re in. Having this surgery is honestly the best thing I have ever done for myself and I really encourage anyone who wants it to look at all their options, because now that its done I cant imagine having to carry that weight around for the rest of my life. 

Before I forget, I was somewhere around a 12E before have come down to a 10DD at this stage. Doesn’t seem like that big of a difference but they will likely go down again as the swelling reduces. They took 400~ grams from my left and 600~ from my right. I feel fantastic :)