#also I wanted to try something new with the letters instead of always sticking with the same structure

[faceglitchsworld]

It's the 12th of July, which means that a certain cat boy is celebrating his day today!

Happy birthday Hun! 🥳

As always I made a collage for him, please have a look ☺️

Honestly the pic with him and Romang are the best ones I choosed 🥺

He looks so caring and soft 🥺

Also HEY he's a cat parent, do you really think I would have never highlighted this side of him? 😤

Anyway, here's the letter for him now. Mind you that this time I wanted to experiment a little this time. Hope the message will still be sweet like all the other letters I made 🤍

Dear Hun,

while I'm writing this, my mind is rewinding all the recent memories I shared with you since I joined this site. I remember you were one of the members who immediately caught my eyes, probably you were the first one I recognised immediately. So imagine how I was sad when I discovered that you have been the first N.Flying member to enlist. I was worried too, even tho I already knew that, at the end of the day you could have continued making music, just in a different environment.

I want to tell you something about what happened the day you enlisted. Don't worry it's not a terrible memory, I think. It was of those days where I woke up very early in the morning. I checked my phone and one of the notifs I saw your Insta live. I clicked on it, hoping I was on time. I wasn't, the live was already ended. But I immediately noticed how you decided to save it. I took a deep breath and decided to watch the video. I don't know why I did it, maybe I wanted to see it as a way to get prepared for the enlistment pictures.

So I clicked on the video, put the volume up and spent those ten minutes with you. I don't remember if that day was cold in my country, surely we weren't having those terrible heat waves we're currently having 🤣

You were so cute in the video, I remember your adorable greeting. And you looked cozy too with that white jacket, I really wanted to give you a hug before letting you leave.

My first thought immediately after seeing the enlistment pictures has been "Wait a second, what will happen to Romang now? She'll miss her dad so much :(" . Sorry, I know you were expecting something like "Oh, I'm gonna miss him :(" but your cat had the priority, I work for the Protect Romang Squad, for your information. I'm glad she's ok and healthy now, but I missed the time you spent with her. Actually I missed your time with N.Flying, I missed you messing everything with Jaehyun in 2idiots, I missed so many things with you.

I know you met a new friend while being in the military, me and one of my moots can't stop talking about it. It was a big surprise for both of us, not gonna lie. We didn't even know that you're in the same division. When we saw the first performance you did for the military we got so overwhelmed of joy that we couldn't stop talking and thinking about it. I'm glad you're making some beautiful memories while you're there, I hope this friendship will last forever.

I'm so happy that you're keeping doing music and you're still playing the guitar even now. You told us that you're trying some new skills there so... please show us those skills with N.Flying too when you'll come back, I'm curious about it.

My birthday wish for you is that you'll see your little Romang in the exact moment you'll take a vacation. I'm sure you miss her and she's missing you too.

Hope you'll celebrate this day happily with your colleagues if you can. If you manage to celebrate it with the members, even better. Just have a good day in general. And stay healthy until you'll come back to us.

Happy birthday catboy 🥳

[babsisbakery]

Part of the Aftermath

Lia Walti x fem!reader (part 2 of How far will you take it)

 All Lia could do after reading the letter was to cry. She has never been such a big mess. She was full on sobbing her soul out. It didn't take her long to realise her mistakes, all the times she mistreated you. Every memory with you replayed in her mind. If only she had cherished them instead of taking you for granted. Some part of her consciousness told her, it doesn't matter you will stay with her anyways. That you wouldn't be able to live without her. That your life circled around her, and to some extent it was true. That she could toy as much with you as she pleased and you would run along with it. Was this the devil on her shoulder, who didn't have her best interests in mind? Or was this her ego and narcissism speaking? How was she so blind to your suffering? Well there is a simple answer to the last question, you were brilliant in adapting to people and their energy. But you also could hide your emotions and switch from sad to seemingly happy in an instant. You yourself couldn't differentiate between fake and real smiles anymore. When you were alone, it switched back to your real emotion. To the fatigue brewing in your heart and stomach of pretending. 

The tragedy of it all, always behaving as someone you aren't. It took a toll on you. Additionally Lia’s game of cat and mouse wore you incredibly out. Late nights up, crying in bed, quietly, while Lia lays next to you. She never noticed, she probably didn't care either. But you would have done anything to make your girlfriend gleeful. It showed. You sacrificed yourself in the process. Lia enjoyed your company, your devotion without giving the same in return. It's how she thought you'd like it. Let's be real, she didn't truly believe that nonsense. But with this mindset she could sleep without a worry at night, to not stay awake as you do. She didn't have to face reality in a way, she took a liking to having an idyllic life, at least for her it portrayed as such. But the colours of the painting began to fade, turning into greyish tones, the livelihood of it seemed to cease. 

Lia had sucked the real person out of you. You didn't stop her until your best friend joined the club and talked some sense into you. At first you didn't listen, well until Lia reached the end of your patience. The last argument was a huge deal for you but Lia waved you off. “I don't want to talk anymore. We will talk later.” But later never comes as we know. She disappeared on you for three days. Didn’t return home. Her actions inspired you to write the letter and camp at your bestie's house. Because only fools stick around when the love is all gone. The love appeared to have vanished into thin air. Puff and it was gone. However love can't  just vanish out of nowhere, it took its sweet time torturing you. The tortured poets department would have hired you immediately. Making you look like a joke. And Lia was the clown who told it. Forming the joke to her benefit, stretching it out, prolonging the inevitable: finishing the joke and being done with it. But she wasn't done with you per say. Deep in her heart she sensed longing for you, she got a taste of her own medicine when arriving at an empty home. Not seeing you at training spurred questions to arise. She worried about your well being, which was something new or at least so it seemed.

The sorrow of potentially losing you forever overtook her. With each passing moment the wheels in her head kept turning, trying to figure out what to do, she still had a chance to make it alright, to fix her miserable life. Most importantly to fix her relationship. To fix your broken heart, to make amends with you. To ask for your forgiveness and start a new era. An era of commitment and unwavering love. To love you the right way. Simultaneously to be the girlfriend you deserve and the better person she can be because of you. The question is will Lia convince you to stay or will she set you free to be at peace? Which path will she choose?...

[canon-in-too-deep]

Fonts Part 2: Drop Caps

Continuing on from my last post on body fonts, I thought I'd do a little highlight of some great fonts to use for drop caps.

I love drop caps. Drop 'em like it's hot, amiright? Big and dramatic and so very eye catching, a drop cap is a great way to start a new chapter.

See below the break for my full post on drop caps. Links will be provided to where you can get the fonts discussed for free. Beverages and snacks will be bring-your-own only. This is an amateur session. If you're looking for profession opinions and tips, uh, you've come to the wrong place.

So when I'm adding drop caps to any text, I always figure out what body font I'm using first. The body font is like the main course of the meal, and the drop cap is the fine wine I'm trying to pair with it. After all, you wouldn't have a nice chianti with a tuna salad, would you? (I wouldn't actually know. I don't drink wine. But I still wouldn't pair comic sans with anything) It's all down to preference, of course, but some combinations just work more easily than others.

First off, if the body font I'm working with is a bit fancier and more detailed (like IM FELL English), I'll usually just use that same font for the drop caps. Using the same font for the body text and the drop caps can look great and be very aesthetically pleasing, as it gives the overall text a clean, consistent, and balanced appearance. Having the same font for different uses throughout a text while varying the font's size and weight and format is a great way to design something pleasing to the eye and not overwhelm or confuse the reader (and it'll save yourself some time, too. Honestly, picking designs and fonts take up quite a significant portion of my typesetting time).

It's like instead of adding toppings to your ice cream, you just put on another scoop of vanilla. Delicious, and classic. You'll also notice that I use small caps in the first line along with the drop cap. I usually do either the entire first line, or just the first 3-5 initial words marked as small caps. I like small caps with a drop cap. It's like an extra dollop of whip cream on top of your ice cream. Not necessary, but still yummy. ...

Of course, choosing a font that's different from your body font to use for your drop caps can be super fun and dramatic. It'll make your text stand out even more, and can add a lot of character to a design. I've seen some really creative uses of drop caps with graphics/ornaments added in, but for this post I'm sticking to just the fonts.

This one here uses Initials TFB. Initials TFB is one of my favorite fonts to use for drop caps. This font has a lot of really nice detail to it. It's gothic. Fancy. Super duper dressed up. And it's square shaped! Which means it's easy to format and place in your text and won't stick out where it's not wanted. It's like a really nice clip on time. Perfect for formal occasions and convenient to use. (And those occasions can range easily from the classic to gothic to romantic to fantastic.)

Next is another square, gothic font! May I present, her majesty, Medieval Victoriana? Now, this one is pretty similar to Initials TFB, but it has a different vibe to it than the previous font. Also super detailed and fancy, the designs for Medieval Victoriana are a bit cleaner and crisper. It's available in two styles, one with the letter in the center white filled, and one with it black filled (as pictured above).

And now we have something different! Not square shaped! ...Though still gothic (I use a LOT of gothic fonts. They just work so well for so many books! Makes me feel like a medieval monk scribing away). This font is Augusta. It's a medium sort of fancy. Not as full on, in your face as the previous two fonts, but still enough to get into the grand ballroom without making a scene. What I like about this font is that it has a lot of character and flare, but is still decently legible and not so overpowering that it takes too much away from the body font. Augusta also has some very nice lower case letters, making it also a great font for headers and titles (which you might want to pair up with your drop caps, to limit the number of fonts used on a single page). Well dressed and versatile, this font could be a British super spy undercover at the bar. If that bar was behind a medieval printing press.

Cloister Black is like the last font, but with a half dozen more points dropped into fancy smanciness. It's got a lot more going on, and can hit that medieval vibe just as easily as it can groove to a newsstand. It may be a bit harder to tell what letter has been drop capitized, but hey, readers should be able to figure it out from context clues, right? Sometimes legibility is the price of swag, as the hip cool kids say.

This next font is WW2Blackletter, which comes in two different versions (as pictured above): pointy bottom version, or swoopy bottom version. WW2Blackletter is a super duper fun font, and very unique. Just look at that sucker. Lots of character. Grungy. Gritty. Daring you to walk to through the dark forest to the black castle on the night of the full moon. It's definitely a font that requires careful pairing with the right story. Kind of like a guest that shows up covered in fake blood, dressed in all black with a cloak and a set of plastic fangs in their mouth. On any other day, it might seem out of place. But for Halloween, it's perfect.

Okay, now for something a little more different. Takota is a nice brush stroke font. Simple and straight to the point, very bold, easy to read, and works well for more modern texts. Just looking at this drop cap, you can practically feel the thick ol' paintbrush in your head, bristles dripping with fresh paint, as you delicately tap that 'T' key on your keyboard.

I had to of course include at least one script font with some nice swoopy cursive letters. This is Exmouth, a font which I haven't gotten a chance to use a lot of yet, but of which, I am very much enjoying the swoopiness. Fonts with exaggerated flourishes like these are great for period pieces and literary classics. They look like something a handsome gentleman suitor would sign at the end of their letter confessing their deep, unrequited love. Big swoopy cursive letters like these, however, can be a pain to work with as drop caps. They're drama queens. Queen Bees. That mean girl from that one movie that always dresses in coordinated pink. For this example here, I had to adjust the size of the drop cap and add in some extra space between the T and the H so that the drop cap wouldn't be thrusting itself into that first line. If you have the time, it can definitely be worth it to use curved/slanted drop caps like this. They just usually require a bit of fandangling to play nice with the other letters.

... Aaaand that brings up to the end of the list! I was actually going to include some more fonts, but I think this post has reached enough heights as a wall 😅 (maybe I'll have to do a Part 2.5). I was also a bit more limited in what fonts I could recommend, as I wanted to make sure they were all 100% free for use, personal or commercial. If you made it to the end, thanks for reading, and I hope this was helpful!

[s-creations]

Fluctuates Chapter 1 - Confession

One-Shot entries for the #RadioStatic Week 2024.

Yep, I'm doing this again! I'm going to make sure that I can keep track with uploading this time. Also, I will be sticking with the Fluff path, because I need more Fluff with these two.

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel Rating: Teen and Up Audiences Relationships: Alastor/Vox (RadioStatic) Warnings/Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Lots of Fluff because I want it, Rosie will be in this, Probably other characters not sure at the moment.

“This was a stupid idea.”

Vox felt the unease that had been bubbling inside his stomach for at least a week suddenly burn stronger. The Media Demon slinked down further into the cafe’s rather uncomfortable iron chairs as he checked his watch again. He had arrived at the closest thing to a French patisserie café that Hell had to offer about 30 minutes before the scheduled meeting time. The time he had set and told the other to arrive at. 

And for the past 25 of those minutes was spent looking like an idiot. Some passing sinners giving pitying looks as they passed. One even being stupid enough to try and offer comfort, believing that Vox had just been stood up. 

“Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.”

They are now a charred mark on the pavement. 

So now Vox had to contend with the fact that he looked like a love struck idiot while also fighting the nerves down. 

Why did he have to pick such a public place? Sure, he knew the café was the other demon’s favorite. Run by a citizen in Cannibal town that made strong black coffee, best combination. But this could end poorly, leaving a bad taste in both of their mouths. Plus, if Vox was gaining sympathy without anything actually happening to him, what would occur once his world fell apart? Would he be left alone to suffer? Would they never speak to each other again?

His attention snapped up hearing footsteps approaching the table. Shoulders rising in embarrassment when he just saw yet another random sinner passing. Said demon actually raised her hand to greet someone behind where Vox sat. Allowing Vox the decency to slide down once more in defeat. 

“Of course that’s not him. You know his habits. He’ll be right on time. Appearing out of nowhere, just to freak you out, like he always does. ‘Because you look so adorable when you’re startled’. Adorable…he called me adorable. That must mean something, right? Fuck, why is this so difficult. Am I reading too far into this? Does he have a preference? He’s never shown interest in anyone before, so why in the whole of Hell would he settle for me?”

“Goodness, you’re in deep thought there. What plan are you cooking up, old friend?”

Vox practically toppled out of the chair, startled by the sudden voice so close to him. Able to reach out to grab onto the table to stabilize himself and prevent anything hitting the ground. The chatter around them died down instantly, and not from the new arrival. Instead having all attention on the awkwardly angled Media Demon. 

On his part, Vox tried to slow his breathing as his eyes flicker up to Alastor. Who offered a gentle chuckle. 

“Are we a little on edge?” The Radio Demon asked, head tilting.

“Ah, kind of…” Vox replied back weakly. Screen turned a slight pink as he tried to straighten himself quickly. Missing the way Alastor turned to the unwanted audience. Face twisting dangerously as a silent warning, to which everyone understood immediately and they turned back to their business. 

Once standing, Vox straightened his jacket, cleared his throat, and gestured to the empty chair across the table with a, “Care to join me?”

“Well, you did invite me. It would be rude to refuse after getting here.” Propping his cane against the small table, Alastor easily flipped the end of his coat back as he sat down. Legs crossing as he fixed the other with a curious look. “Your letter seemed very adamant about us meeting. I’m so curious over what you’re wanting to talk about.”

The worry of how stupid he looked instantly disappeared. Original nerves returning to full force. Causing Vox to temporarily forget how speaking worked. His mouth opened and closed a few times with small noises falling out. Alastor just watched on with interest. Ears flickering as his smile softened. 

Finally able to collect himself to some degree, Vox practically blurted out, “How about we order something first, yeah? It’s been a while since we’ve shared a meal together.”

“I wouldn’t say it was that long, it was only a little over a week ago. But if you insist on the matter.”

Vox gave an internal cheer as he was able to avert the conversation that he asked to have a little longer. The server clearly nervous as she waited on them, more than happy to pass their orders to leave them alone as quickly as possible. 

“So,” Alastor started slowly as he finished his latest bite, “now would you feel comfortable with our discussion?”

“Uh…” Vox tapped his fork against the partially clear plate as his mind scrambled to figure out what to do. 

“You idiot, you ASKED HIM TO COME! If you just say it was to just share a meal, then you’re going to piss him off. Just fucking talk to him! Just…rip it off like a band aid, yeah? Just…Just do it. Get it over with… Would you fucking say something!?”

“I wanted to talk business!” Vox and those in close proximity winced as harsh feedback sound. The Media Demon wincing again seeing how upset Alastor looked. Clearing his throat, Vox started again.

“Um, what I meant to say was… We’ve known each other for a while now, yeah?”

“A few centuries at this point, I would say.”

“And we work well together, yeah?”

“I…suppose so. I don’t believe we’ve worked together that often.”

Vox pouted a bit at that. “We’ve taken down a few competitors together.”

“Oh Picture Box, I’ve taken down far more without you. However, I will admit, having you there has been not only helpful, but extremely fun. I never thought burnt sinner meat would be so fun to watch being created.” 

“But you…still like working with me.”

“Of course, never doubt that.”

Letting out a small cycle of relief, Vox nodded slightly. “Okay, so, since we work so well together-”

“As you’ve stated numerous times.” Alastor added as he took another bite.

“Right, just to emphasize my point really. Wouldn’t it make sense that we team up?”

The next bite was paused half way up to Alastor’s awaiting mouth. Hovering there for a few seconds before it was slowly lowered once more. While his smile never left, Vox could tell it wasn’t as ‘cheery’ as before. Appearing a bit tight now.

“Team…up… As in partners?”

“Yeah, partners!” Vox agreed quickly, heart hammering from fear. Because Alastor was not as calm as he had been when he’d arrived. Meaning the Radio Demon apparently did not like whatever Vox was selling and he had to make this work. 

“Partners, business partners I mean, not like- Anyway, doesn’t that make sense? We’re powerful, even more so when we’re together. And we represent the two biggest forms of delivering information. Radio and television! If you think downing sinners is fun now, wait until we have that edge of knowing everyone’s business! Blackmailing will be so easy, which will result in more contracts, which will result in more power! So…what do you think?”

For the bravado Vox was putting out, he was shaking. His own smile strained as tries to better gauge Alastor’s emotions. The other customers nearby seemed to know the tense atmosphere as they were leaning away from their table. Some outright fled as they threw money on the table. 

On his part, Alastor seemed unmoved. Smile small as he placed his utensils down and stared off into the distance. Hands clasped together as a finger tapped on the back of the other. As the minutes passed, the more hopeless Vox felt. Wanting to say something that could save this no doubt dying relationship, but didn’t know what he could say. Even worried that uttering a single noise would result in his head being popped off. 

The torturous time ended when Alastor picked his fork back up to take another bite. “Is this just a business meeting, Vox?”

Said demon was a little off put by the question, “What…do you mean? What else would I be talking about?”

“I’ve never held a possible business meeting at a café before. Even more so, not one that’s my favorite.”

“Maybe…I wanted you to feel more welcomed to the idea?” Even Vox knew that was a stupid excuse. One that Alastor did not take. 

“You’re also nervous in the wrong way.”

“There’s a right way to be nervous?”

“I’ve had offers before this,” Alastor continued, “Those individuals weren’t nervous, they were cocky. They held the same reasoning and logic as you brought up as to why I should join them. But they only became nervous when I said no. And then began to tear them and their workers apart. Still, nerves were not present on the forefront of the matter. You, however, have been a nervous wreck from before I even sat down.” 

“Well…I’m probably a smaller business owner than those previous to me.” 

“Do you think I would hurt you?”

“No… Yes? I-I can never tell with you, if I’m honest.”

“Nothing to be ashamed about. I do have that air of mystery about me. Will I kill you psychologically? Will I actually kill you? Who knows. But if I can calm your possible fears about that. No, I would never kill you.” 

Vox’s heart skipped a beat in happiness. “Really?”

“I wouldn’t lie about that. So, if I’m going to be honest with you, why don’t you be honest with me? What’s the purpose of this little meeting Vox?”

Knowing he’d beck talked into a corner, the slouched position returned. Vox uncomfortably aware they were the center of attention still. Nervously clawing at the tabletop, he whispered out, “Are you…interested in going steady?”

“Pardon? I couldn’t quite hear you.” Alastor said with his full smile back, chin resting on his hand. 

“Do you want to- Would you be interested in dating?” 

Whelp, Vox really wanted to throw up at this point. Unable to look up as he awaited for some kind of answer. Maybe if he’s killed, he’ll be taken out fast enough to be out of this situation. Even be given a chance to reform in a quiet area so he could lick his wounds in a different way alone. 

“I suppose if I were able to give anyone a chance, it should be you.”

Vox’s head snapped up at that. Wide eyes narrowed in on Alastor, who looked so at ease for what they were talking about. “Wait- really? You…You really want to… Really? But you’ve never shown interest in anything romantic to anyone, ever.”

“Because that would mean I found them interesting, and I don’t. Unlike you. You can hold my attention for hours, and I’ve not held that for another soul in years. If you’re wanting to pursue something of a relationship, then I’m more than happy to try.” 

“Um, yes, please! That would be great!” Nerves were now replaced with giddiness to the point where Vox was worried he’d be shorting out soon. Something that Alastor caught on to very quickly. 

“Try and breathe, my Picture Box, you’re going to make yourself faint.” Reaching over, Alastor gently took one of Vox’s hands. 

Instead of helping, Vox’s head jerked to the side before the screen flickered and turned dark. Alastor was quick to react with his shadow double popping up to keep the other demon in the chair. 

Laughing softly, Alastor turned to one of the cowering patrons. “He’s going to be the next Overlord. Such a charmer, this one.”

[player1064]

Hi! All such great carraville drabbles so far! If you’re still doing them, may I request them coming out publicly and the various reactions of news broadcasters, other ex/current footballers and of course, the internet. Thanks!

aaa thank you!!! and yessss I love fics where it's public reaction to stuff and i LOVE multi-media type fics so this was fun to write (even though i am much too lazy to come up with fake twitter usernames)

---

Group: MU mob

Phillip: forwarded an instagram post by gneville2 Phillip: ???

Gary: what Gary: do u think I was too nice to him in the caption Gary: I can edit it to add something about scousers maybe Gary: or how he never won the league

Phillip: you and Carragher???

Gary: ?

Paul: whyd u make me look at that rot first thing in the morning Paul: put me off my breakfast that did

Ryan: im not installing instagram for this whats he done now

Nicky: ^

Phillip: he’s dating Carragher?????

Ryan: where have u been for the last 2 years its literally all he talks about

Phillip: America! I have been! In! America! Phillip: Gaz I can’t believe you told them and not me?

Paul: I wish he hadnt told us to be fair Paul: they r so annoying

Gary: sorry phil I mustve forgot Gary: timezones etc Gary: gtg we’re having breakfast before he has to head to studio 🥞😍

David: nice post Gary 😊🏳️‍🌈 Happy for you x

Chat: Stevie G

Missed call from Stevie

Stevie: Carra

Missed call from Stevie

Stevie: Jamie Lee Duncan Carragher Stevie: pick up your damn phone Stevie: you are shit at this best friend thing yknow Stevie: also Gary Neville??? Stevie: you were moaning about him when I called you just last week Stevie: but if he makes you happy that’s alright then Stevie: tell him he’s buying me a pint next time I’m home Stevie: in liverpool mind Stevie: don’t care if you love him you won’t see me in pub in manchester

The Daily Mail

LIVERPOOL AND MAN UTD LEGENDS JAMIE CARRAGHER AND GARY NEVILLE REVEAL GAY RELATIONSHIP?

Former rivals turned co-pundits posted Valentine’s day messages on their Instagram accounts which appear to show an intimate relationship between the two men, who were both married to women for over ten years. Neither has responded for comment.

Comments:

> they’re the worst pundits on sky anyway they don’t even try to hide the bias for their teams

> gary neville’s always trying to bring politics into everything rishi was right he should stick to football!

> well I will be getting my commentary from MOTD moving forward. wish I could cancel sky sports but can’t afford to miss all the match coverage so they will be getting a strongly worded letter from me instead.

The Guardian

OPINION: IT’S 2024. WHY HAS THE FOOTBALL WORLD NOT CAUGHT UP?

There are still no openly gay players in the top tier of the men’s game. Now that two retired premier league footballers have come out, we have to ask: why is this headline news?

Both Liverpool and Manchester United football clubs have posted messages in support of Neville & Carragher, and so have many current and former players. But it begs the question why they thought that support might not be implicit, or why the two pundits had to publicly “come out” at all.

Comments:

> tbh I didn’t even know who they were until I saw Beckham’s ig story 💀

> surprised Gerrard’s not said anything, thought he and Carragher were mates >>> probably can’t if he wants to keep his manager contract $$$

> the guardian: why is the media making a fuss about two ex-footballers coming out? the guardian: is part of the media making a fuss about two ex-footballers coming out…

Twitter

Sports - Trending Gary Neville 264k tweets

Jamie Carragher 151k tweets

@.1111 they’ve been obsessed with each other for years is anyone really surprised

@.222 ngl I thought Gary Neville was already out as gay? You’re telling me people have believed he’s straight this whole time??

@.333 it’s giving slow burn enemies to lovers 150k words…

@.444 sky already wheels the two of them out together whenever they need to promote ANYTHING I bet it’s gonna get 10x worse now

Chat: J ❤️

G 👹👸: good luck on show tonight G 👹👸: no vday dinner :( G 👹👸: I shall have to waste away and pine instead G 👹👸: drown my sorrows etc

J ❤️: should be back to hotel by 1 at the latest J ❤️: I know that’s past ur bedtime old man so don’t wait up

G 👹👸: I will be up (😉😉) and ready to give you your dessert 😘 G 👹👸: might have a cheeky nap before though to be fair

[davejade-sometimes]

whoa writing its like christmas up in here

or something like that

anyway have the first installment of the coffee shop au

---

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:47.

TT: Dave.

TT: I went to Karkat’s place of work.

TT: That cafe. Suburban Coffee.

TG: yeah yeah

TG: sburban coffee

TG: theres no u for some reason

TG: karkat thinks that the manager ate it or some weird shit like that

TT: And there’s this girl.

TG: oh?

TT: She types so fast. So well. With such purpose.

TG: one might even say hotly

TT: Yes, Dave. She types hotly. I’m currently twirling my hair and swooning from her sheer typing prowess.

TG: whoa so swoon-worthy

TG: better have someone ready to catch you when you faint from her hot as fuck typing

TT: Come with me today. I'll show you how hot her typing is. And, you can provide a cushion from when I inevitably swoon by being in her presence.

TG: alright

TG: sure

TG: cant say no to an opportunity to get caffeine

TG: and bother karkat while were at it

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:58.

The cafe is nestled between several other shops, and it announces itself with a bright green sign. Sburban Coffee, it declares in big, blocky lettering. The outside is painted an unassuming gray-brown to match the rest of its neighbors, and there are colourful flowers in flowerpots clustered by the door. In the window, Dave can make out the shapes of many, many people inside.

The door chimes happily as Dave and Rose walk inside. The strong, strong smell of coffee immediately hits Dave. Inside, the cafe is bustling, and every table has at least one person sitting. The walls are a pretty orange, and there’s a wall with potted plants sitting on shelves. He spots Karkat at the register, looking as depressed and mildly angry as he always does. There is a smiley-face sticker on the register, along with a frowny-face. He notes the crab pin on his apron. Karkat is not the type to accessorize; Dave wonders what is different about the pin. Rose tugs him into line, and Dave begins to scrutinize the menu. He never knows what to get from coffee shops. There’s too many fancy names and words to know, and he usually just defaults to a latte. However, this time he feels like he needs to branch out a bit, try something new and all that jazz.

DAVE: hey rose

DAVE: youre smart

DAVE: whats an americano

DAVE: is it like

DAVE: essence de la america

DAVE: does it taste like eagles and football

DAVE: and FREEDOM

DAVE: its not tea right i dont want to be unpatriotic

DAVE: gotta make ol g washy proud

ROSE: It’s an espresso drink diluted with water.

ROSE: Now shush. Look over there.

ROSE: That's the girl.

Dave subtly looks over in the direction Rose indicates. The person in question has their back to him, but he can see that they’re wearing an emerald sweater and a long skirt. They also have the Lesbian Haircut™. He can see why Rose likes them. Rose pulls him forward again as the line moves up. They are now second in line, and Dave still doesn’t know what he wants. He sticks his hands in his pockets and does the patented Cool Guy Slouch to hide his indecision and decides to look at Karkat instead. He can’t imagine a guy like Karkat working at a coffee shop, yet here he is. Green apron, gray sweater. Dave doesn’t think he’s ever seen Karkat wear anything different. He might be an escaped extra from a cartoon TV show. Dave idly wonders why he’d liked Karkat back in high school. He seems all cool and tough from the outside but he’s really just a big, pathetic nerd with an extra large side of wet-cattiness.

BARISTA: hey, i can take you guys over here!

Dave stops staring awkwardly at Karkat and instead turns his attention to things like moving. He studies the barista at their register as they walk over.

His first impression: oh, she’s cute.

Man, what was that line of thought?? He internally winces. Anyway. Lame thoughts aside, the barista is very put together, at least in comparison to Karkat. Granted, the bar is low. So low, in fact, it could be a speed bump. Her name tag cheerfully declares her name as Jade in loopy green handwriting, along with a plant sticker. Colorful pins flash at him from her apron.

ROSE: Dave.

ROSE: Are you going to order?

Dave blinks, startled out of his thoughts. He decides to go for something smooth, suave, dare he say, even cool?

DAVE: uh yeah

DAVE: hey love

DAVE: shit

DAVE: i mean

DAVE: lovely lady?

Dave begins questioning all his life choices, and contemplates throwing himself out the window. Actually, no, it’s a first floor window. That’d just be embarassing. He might catch fire instead. That’s a better option. One flaming hot Dave, coming right up. It would be better than whatever this train wreck of a conversation is.

Thankfully, the barista – Jade – is far cooler than he is, and just laughs.

JADE: hey yourself, good sir

JADE: what can i get you

DAVE: i was hoping you had a recommendation for me

JADE: uhh, well

Jade turns to look at the board behind her, ponytail swinging. Dave takes this moment to regain his composure, ignoring the look Rose is undoubtedly giving him. The eyebrows are so totally up. He can feel their skeptical vibes. He rearranges his face to that of a distant, aloof expression. What flaming dumpster fire? There is only Dave. Cool Dave. He is so calm and composed. Everybody wants to be him when they grow up. Jade turns back around.

JADE: i think the cinnamon caramel chai is pretty good!!

DAVE: alright ill take that

JADE: your drinks will be ready in a minute

Rose pays, and Dave absconds walks calmly over to an empty table and claims it, taking the seat that puts his back to the register. Totally not because of what jsut happened.. After a moment, Rose slides into the chair opposite him.

ROSE: Dave.

ROSE: What was that?

DAVE: what was what you saw nothing there was no dumpster fire

DAVE: besides youre one to talk miss she types hotly huh huh

DAVE: shut up rose put those eyebrows away or ill shave them off in your sleep

ROSE: Dave, I haven’t seen you this bad since-

DAVE: DONT EVEN SAY IT HES RIGHT THERE

Smooth, Dave. Now everyone in the cafe is looking at you, probably even Karkat. He melts into his chair. Can this get any worse? He looks over at the register, checking to see if their drinks are done. Karkat is looking in their direction, vaguely confused. The poor barista that Dave totally ruined any chances he had with her has disappeared. Maybe she ran for the hills from the total weirdo that she just met. Oh, nope, there she is, shaking a bottle of milk. He pretends to stare off into space, in a cool fashion. Out of the corner of his eye, though, he studies her again. He hadn’t gotten much of a chance to before, as he’d been otherwise occupied. Jade is a fairly tall girl with long, dark hair currently up in a ponytail that swings every time she moves. She has round glasses and a pretty smile. Unlike Karkat, she is wearing a tasteful orange shirt with her apron. He notes that she and Karkat move around each other easily – which surprises Dave – and while he can’t hear their conversation, they appear to be chatting. Karkat doesn’t like most people. Dave considers himself one of the lucky few that get to be Karkat’s friend.

---

Well, that was weird, Jade thinks as she begins making the latest coffee order: a latte with four shots of espresso, with a little dark roast on top. She’s a little worried for the girl who’d just ordered it. She hopes that she isn’t responsible for her inevitable death by sheer amount of caffeine. Reaching around Karkat (who gives her a salty look that she knows holds no real bite) for the pitcher, she begins to fill it with water. Beside her, Karkat shifts, and she knows he’s about to ask her about what just happened.

KARKAT: HEY JADE, WHAT HAPPENED?

Called it. Jade has what she likes to call her “KARKAT SENSE.” She can always tell when he’s going to do something particularly weird, which to be fair is pretty much just Karkat’s natural state.

JADE: with the sunglasses dude?

JADE: poor guy i feel bad for him

JADE: he looked like he might die of embarassment

KARKAT: WHAT’D THAT IDIOT DO?

JADE: oh, do you know him?

She pours the water into the espresso machine and starts it, putting a cup underneath. While she waits, she begins to steam the milk.

KARKAT: UNFORTUNATELY, YEAH.

KARKAT: HE’S A FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

JADE: oh nice!!

JADE: well i think he was trying to be cool or something

JADE: he tried to say [bad dave impression] hey lovely lady

JADE: but he called me love instead

JADE: it was kind of sad

KARKAT: WHAT A FUCKING LOSER. I CANT BELIEVE I WAS EVER INTO HIM.

JADE: wait, really?

JADE: i cant picture you with him

JADE: he doesnt seem like your type

KARKAT: AND HE ISN’T.

KARKAT: I WOULD NEVER DATE SOMEONE SO LAME.

Jade snorts derisively, and begins to pour the steamed milk over the four shots of espresso.

JADE: like youre that much cooler

JADE: just yesterday i watched you rant for about 20 minutes about spilling some milk on your shirt

JADE: youre just as lame!! admit it

KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU.

KARKAT: YOU ARENT COOL EITHER.

JADE: true, but at least i don’t go around pretending i am

KANAYA: Karkat Shes Right

KANAYA: You Would Be So Much Cooler If You Stopped Trying So Hard

KANAYA: Watching You Is A Little Pathetic

KARKAT: I HATE YOU ALL.

Jade just laughs and gives Karkat an affectionate whack on the back as she goes to set the now finished Latte of Death on the pick-up counter. He grumbles and steps on her toes as he moves past her to the register, serving the next undercaffeinated customer.

[samcybercat]

Supernatural Characters That I Liked :D

On 2nd April 2023, we finished watching all 15 seasons of Supernatural. My history with this show is that I didn't really know it was a thing while it was popular and then by the time I joined Tumblr it was "that series people on Tumblr like that I don't think would be for me". Up until late 2021, the only things from Supernatural that I'd seen were the Destiel Confession (TM), a short scene of Dean telling Sam & Jack that Castiel was dead and the montage of Sam dying from the final episode. Beyond that, I genuinely knew nothing about the show But in 2021 (I think?) my housemates and I had finished BBC Merlin and were looking for a new long series to try, which ended up being Supernatural. Our set-up was that Gemba had seen up to Season 12 (and thus had to endure us asking many questions about it), but Amber and I had never seen any of it Now, no one needs me to review Supernatural. Enough other people who know more about it than I do have done that. But it's been a long ride and I wanted to do something to celebrate it. So instead of picking apart the good and the bad, I thought I'd simply make a list of the characters I like. This is not an all-inclusive list, as in over 15 seasons there are bound to be a few fun one-off characters who I'll forget. But I tried to include as many characters as possible Starting off with my beloved - everyone's favourite Supernatural character whose name begins with the letter C...

...Crowley! (Don't worry, Castiel is also on the list lol)

I cannot understate how much Crowley kept me going with this show. We'd just come off the back of the Trickster dying and I was bummed about that, but then Crowley came along with all his yelling and his bisexual villainy and I was won over immediately. Everything about Mark Sheppard's performance was a delight and all his interactions with the rest of the main cast were so fun. When Crowley ended up on the path from enemy to frenemy to begrudging ally, it never felt like character-derailment at all. Though having said that, I also fully understand and respect Sheppard's choice to leave because he was disappointed with how Crowley was being written - as much as it was a big miss for me to see Crowley go. Crowley is my blorbo for this show He is also incredibly shippable with Sam

Next up is Sam, Mr. Skrunkly Himself and the greatest shipping bicycle I could ask for Now, some of you who I have talked to about Supernatural might remember me saying that I didn't like Sam, which certainly was true in the earlier seasons. I just feel like in the beginning, Sam's stick-in-the-mud attitude needed a bit longer to bake until he became the absolutely endearing, doe-eyed giant that he would become later on. I also think that Sam becoming a better character ended up lining up quite well with Dean becoming... less of a characters that I could enjoy, so that worked out nicely. I'm sorry that I was a non-believer to start with, Sammy, but I'm 100% a Sam Girl now lol

You're on tumblr, you know who this is I now definitely understand why this website was so obsessed with Castiel. What could've easily been a throw-away character was turned into a series main-stay and I'm sure that a large part of that was due to the clear love that Misha Collins had for the character and poured into his performance. Every time Castiel was around it was always great and, like a lot of people, my biggest problem with Castiel was that they didn't use him enough. They (probably accidentally) wrote one of the best autistic characters I've seen in a while and also, his Dadstiel scenes with Claire and Jack are one of the few times I've really enjoyed seeing a character take on the role of a parent Castiel is also incredibly shippable with Sam (sorry Destiel shippers, I'm Sastiel through and through)

Queen of my heart, Rowena! The treatment of female characters in Supernatural is another topic with not a great reputation, but you've got to believe me when I say that Rowena is a brilliant character, one of the best and most-fun female villains. When she was introduced as Crowley's mum, I knew we were in for a great ride and, sure enough, every episode she was in was charming. Ruth Connell really ran with the concept of "vengeful Scottish witch". My fears for Rowena had been that she would be killed off shortly after Crowley's departure, but I was delighted to see that she continued to be a main-stay for most of the show, ending with her destined death scene with Sam, before being triumphantly crowned Queen of Hell Rowena is also incredibly shippable with Sam, though I've also gotta give a shout-out to my short-lived OTP of Rowena x Gabriel

Speaking of Gabriel, the Trickster was definitely what kept me watching at the start of the series. In the beginning, Supernatural was a bit dry for my taste and he injected that shot of fun into it that it needed to keep me interested. His episodes were few and far between, but just knowing there might be a Trickster episode on the horizon always kept me going until Crowley came along to take the mantle from him. I was glad to see Gabriel return later on, even if I feel like they didn't really use him or play to his strengths quite as much as they did in the early episodes The Trickster is also incredibly shippable with Sam

The best baby boy, Jack! On paper, the concept of Lucifer's son joining the team felt like a desperate attempt by the writers to show a new, younger audience that they were still hip and relevant, but that ended up not being the case. From the moment Jack appeared, he was wonderful, bringing the same energy as Castiel, but with that child-like optimism attached that would lead to him ultimately saving the day and making a better world for everyone. Seeing the trio raising a son was also brilliant and actually the perfect kind of fanfic-fodder the show needed. My biggest regret for Jack is that he came along after most people stopped caring about the show, so he didn't receive the appreciation I think he deserved

I actually feel bad that it's taken me so long to get to Bobby, as he's one of my big faves, but in my defence he wasn't in the later seasons very much. Bobby went from being "Guy who tells the brothers where the monster of the week is" to the actual perfect father-figure they deserved. There was a reason why when Dean gets to heaven it was Bobby waiting for him and not John, and it wasn't just because getting Neegan back was probably expensive. Bobby is another underrated autistic icon imo and excellent boyfriend-material for Crowley. Even though I was sad when his time on the show was cut short, he was one of the few characters who I felt was given the right amount of fanfare for his send-off

Ketch! I love Ketch! He's our fave in this house. After the very dull Darkness season, I had my hopes low and was rolling my eyes when the British Men of Letters were introduced, but then they ended up being so cringe that it cycled back around to being funny again. We would cheer every time Ketch appeared

Yes, I like Bela and think she was fun in her appearances, you're all just mean about her :(

This version of Meg specifically was wonderful and top-tier shippable with Castiel. It's no wonder that she was the one they called back to play The Empty all those years later. Meg's flirty banter was the perfect foil for Castiel's serious cluelessness and I would always look forward to scenes with both of them

I'm gonna be real with you: most of the season-long villains were very hit or miss for me, but Zachariah was one villain who I thought was excellent. It's a shame he was so early on, so I don't remember too much about his specifically, but I do remember enjoying him and how powerful he made the angels feel

Pamela or, as she was known in our house for a long time, The Woman Who Was Fine About Everything. When Pamela first appears she's like "Two brother? Awesome, let's have a threesome!" ...Then she gets her eyes blasted out. When we next see her, Pamela is totally cool with being blind and is even using it to help her work. ...Then she gets killed off. But when we next see her in the afterlife, wouldn't you know it, she's totally cool with being dead. Even when she later appears as a figment of Dean's imagination, she's fine with that, too. So here's to you, Pamela. Wherever you are, I know you're totally cool with it!

Kevin Tran and his mum. These two characters are the absolute example of deserving much better from the writing, especially Kevin. At least his mum got some cool scenes when she tried to rescue him, but poor Kevin was basically the Wincester's hostage who then died to give Dean more man pain. Which is a shame, because Kevin was great and I really wish we'd been given more fun scenes with him

Hannah (Agent Stone version) ...Look, it's Lee Majdoub, the guy who plays Agent Stone in the Sonic Movies! Turns out he had a brief role in Supernatural as one of Hannah's vessels. I wish he'd stuck around, but as a big Sonic fan I'm glad he moved onto other things :')

Claire Novak - I never expected the kid from Castiel's vessel's old life to come back as a full character later on, but Claire filled the role of the vengeful daughter who grew to respect Castiel so well and I definitely wish we'd seen more of both Claire and her short-lived relationship with Kaia. I also had the exact same Grumpy Cat plushie that Castiel gave to Claire, so I was very endeared by that

Both the original Death and Billie who came after him were excellent! Both very different and strong personalities who filled every scene they were in - when these two appeared, you really knew Dean had to sit up and pay attention, because shit was about to get real

Another one of my top faves, Eileen! Imagine my surprise when Supernatural of all series introduces one of the very few portrayals of a deaf character I've seen and she ends up becoming a recurring character and love interest to one of the main characters. Eileen was annoyingly killed off-screen, but then they made up for it by having Sam go to such lengths to bring her back. She had an adorable relationship with Sam. ...Then they killed her off again and left us to only assume that she must've been returned to life by Jack, but never actually showed that. Oh well, I will choose to believe that the blurry woman they showed with Sam in his montage in the last episode was Eileen and they got the happy ending they deserved

Rufus went from having a somewhat subdued first appearance to being Bobby's partner in crime and that was when he really shined. Another character who was killed off far too early, wasting his potential, but I enjoyed the few Bobby & Rufus episodes that we did get

Garth was just a nice guy and I wanted good things for him. After his short, but successful, role as The New Bobby, I'm glad that Garth was able to retire and live with his werewolf family without becoming yet another victim of characters dying by association with the Winchesters

Becky went from being a very fun nod-to-the-fandom character to having that... one very uncomfortable episode with Sam... to disappearing for a long time and finally coming back to be shown living her best life with her family and thriving. Screw Chuck for killing her off, but I choose to believe that she came back

Crowley having a son who was brought to modern day from ye olde Scotland and then let loose into a park somewhere will never not be funny to me. I liked Gavin for the few episodes he was in

...And I'm bored of looking for screenshots now, so I'll cap this off by also giving a shout-out to fan-fave, Charlie, who they once again killed off before they should've done but at least had some good episodes, Balthazar, who was the idea friend for Castiel and gave me big Dionysus Hades Game vibes, Metatron, who really grew on my from his initial introduction as villain to reluctant frenemy, and to Chuck, who was a character who really annoyed me for most of the series, but then once they started playing him as a straight up villain it felt like he was the perfect way to sing the series out. Amara also got a lot better in later seasons from her unfortunate first appearance and it was a shame about her hand-wave ending I have mixed feelings about Dean. Goodnight

[sakura-fraust]

QOTD, elf. What would the Now you tell the you of 10 years ago?

Dear 2013 me,

Congrats on getting out of that house! I know it wasn't easy, I know you're still uncertain about this new path, but trust me in saying it was the right move. You and your lovers have set something grand in motion, but despite all their foresight and planning, even they couldn't have seen how things panned out.

The path you're marching through now with your loves isn't going to be an easy one, but its worth it, you'll all stick with each other until the bitter end and they'll raise you up and prime you for something so much more. If only they could have told you what that something more is. Be sure to cherish them as much as you can.

Nothing I could say or do would ever prepare you for the hardships you will have to face. Nothing could help you brace for the blows. The only solace I can truly offer in those moments is; Even when you feel like you're at your lowest, when you're losing your will to live... You will persist. You will continue to adapt and learn. Time and time again you will stand back up and try to find another way up. And the pain? It'll always be there, but it gets easier to mitigate and tend to. But before you know it, you'll find people with good hearts who help brighten your dark days and inspire you to keep trying. Cause you know, why not? The time will pass anyway :)

Also please spend more of that time with creative endeavors, you'll regret it if you don't, trust me I know ;w; Oh and please take better care of yourself! I know its hard and it sucks ass, but you'll save yourself SO MUCH strife in the long run. I don't want ANY of that "This is a problem for future me" garbage either, your future self (me) is paying for it now! Literally! >:I

Oh, and the family is doing really well for the most part, but mom is still a cunt. Though it'd be a cold day in Hell before that changed. Oh well.

In 10 years you still won't be good at sending emails or ending letters, so... it is what it is lol

LATER NERD, 2023 you

PS- You'll love powerlifting btw, just do it nerd PPS- Also get on fucking meds sooner than later, TRUST ME PPPS- Get over your baseless weirdness about weed, its good shit and probably could've helped you sooner instead of waiting for tragedy to strike like I did

[kumeko]

A/N: For the @kyoruzine! I wanted to do something taking place shortly after the they graduate, where Tohru and Kyo are still figuring out who they are together. And yes, obligatory Kyoko line was needed.

…

…

…

…

Dear Mom Diary,

I have to get used to that! I’m so used to talking to Mom about my day, it feels really weird writing this to no one. Or I guess, myself? My future self? Should I write “Dear Tohru” instead? That sounds funny. Kyo said I didn’t have to, that I could keep talking to Mom, but since he’s trying something new, I wanted to too.

We left China and are in Phuket, Thailand now. Can you believe how far we are from home? I never dreamed of leaving the city, let alone Japan, and now I’ve been to two different countries. Arisa tells me she’s jealous—she and Kureno are biking through Okinawa right now. She likes the heat. I think she’d like it here too. Maybe when we meet up, I can tell her all the best places to see. 

I miss everyone, though I get a lot of letters and calls. Kyo says they might as well travel with us at this rate. I think that would be fun but…I know this is a little selfish, but I like travelling with Kyo alone too. I wish I could do both at the same time.

Kyo spends most of his day training. Shishou has connections with all kinds of dojos, and each of those dojos have their own connections—it’s like you’re never too far from a helping hand or a friend. All you have to do is talk to someone, and you’ll find doors opening. Even though the world is big, it’s also so small and connected.

Oh, I’m getting off topic! Anyways, Kyo trains all day but in the evenings, we go out. Just the two of us. Then we’ll explore the city together—there’s an old town here in Phuket and all the buildings are so colourful. I like the yellow houses the best, they’re cheerful.  Sometimes we walk through tiny alleys and sometimes we stick the main lane, but the best part is that Kyo’ll hold my hand the entire time. Tightly, like he wants to make sure I’m still there, that I didn’t get lost.

I haven’t told him I’ll never get lost again because no matter where I go, I can find him. I probably should, but I like how he holds my hand each time. Rin told me to do things for myself, so this much is fine, right?

The food here is spicy. Really spicy. I have to drink a lot of water whenever I eat. Kyo laughed and told me I should have asked for something milder. He’s probably right. No matter how many times I try, I can’t get used to the heat.

Diary, actually, I was wrong. The best part isn’t how he holds my hand. No, the best part is when we go back to our room at night. There’re bright lights in the city but when we get to the dojo, it’s dark. There’s only the moon, if we’re lucky. Kyo always wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close as we walk, and I can hear his heart beat the entire way. It’s almost like a dream when he kisses me after.

Sometimes, I think it is a dream, but then he’ll flick my forehead and tell me this is better than any dream.

And then he’ll go red and tell me not to make him say such things.

He’s right, it is better than any dream. That’s because it’s real. It’s real today and tomorrow and even twenty years from now.

And that is the best part.

Love,

Tohru

[elisela]

control marrish, 1.6k, au, established relationship day 2: new beginnings (also on ao3)

She only overhears them because the files in her arms start slipping as soon as she rounds the doorway and she has to stop and adjust them before they drop. 

(Just leave it, nothing’s ever good enough for her. 

She’s so uptight. 

Must be wild in bed or her boyfriend would have left years ago. Who wants to be with someone that controlling?

Bet he likes being told what to do.)

She files a complaint with HR the same day, but doesn’t make her forget. 

--

“Here?”

God no, she thinks, there’s no balance with the other frames, it should go two feet to the left. “Sure,” she says, offering Jordan a slight grin. “Do you need me to grab the level?”

He squints a bit at the wall and shakes his head. “No, I think I’ll be fine without it.”

She has to consciously unclench her jaw before she starts grinding her teeth. Her book is lying face down on the couch, has been since her boyfriend walked in the door with the piece of artwork she’d admired in the gallery downtown, and she picks it back up so her inner thoughts don’t become spoken. It doesn’t hold her attention in the least, not while Jordan is working, but it gives her something else to look at so he doesn’t catch her eye twitching. 

“What do you think?”

“Perfect,” she lies, tossing the book down to her side and reaching out for his hand, bringing it to her mouth so she can kiss his palm. “Thank you for the gift.”

His wrist twists and she leans into it when he cups her cheek. “You’re welcome, babe.”

--

“Do you think I’m controlling?”

Stiles snorts, wiping his hands on the towel tossed over his shoulder before he plucks a clean glass from under the bar and pushes it on top of the shaker. “Let’s not sugarcoat things, Lyds, you’re the most controlling person I know.”

She frowns, twisting the maraschino cherry stem through her drink. “You’re married to Derek.”

“Who let’s me do anything I want and saves his bitching and complaining for people who actually want to impress him,” Stiles says, stopping to wave a hand around the room, ostensibly showing off the group of wait staff gathered around the hostess stand. “Besides, he’s not controlling, he’s picky.”

And I’m not? “I came to see him, you know,” she says instead, taking another sip of her drink to cover the way her chest aches. 

“Yeah well, it’s that time of the month and he told me that five minutes of listening to the local ‘talent’ he had booked to play tonight was enough to make him want to bite everyone in here, which I know is a bunch of bullshit but apparently I still can’t resist his puppy dog eyes.” Stiles says with a little sigh, setting the shaker down. “Forget controlling, he’s a manipulative dick.”

“Picking up all your worst traits, I see,” she says, a little meanly, which only serves to make her feel worse.

Stiles only grins and says, “I know, I’m teaching him so well.”

--

“You’re doing the laundry,” she says, cautiously. Jordan never does the laundry. Laundry is sacred, because Lydia follows wash instructions to the letter and Jordan … does not.

Jordan shrugs, giving her a sweet grin. “You’ve seemed stressed. Figured I’d take this off your to-do list.”

It’s not hard to smile back—she’s always felt a little helpless in the face of his affection. “I appreciate it,” she says, trying not to wince when she sees her black silk dress sticking out of the bottom of the pile he’s folding. 

“I followed the instructions,” he adds, folding one of the sweaters she typically hangs, “but some of them didn’t have a tag.”

They’re on the side seam, she thinks, squeezing his arm on her way past and leaning in briefly when he abandons his job to pull her into a hug. She spots one of her hand-knit cardigans in the wash pile behind him and makes a mental note to sneak it out before it makes its way into the machine.

--

“Do you think I’m controlling?”

“Of course not,” Allison answers immediately. 

It’s a little too quick to be believable. 

--

Jordan’s looking at her doubtfully, and Lydia makes a show of digging through her jewelry box so she doesn’t have to look back. “You don’t mind?”

“Of course not,” she says. I’ve only had these reservations for two months, they’re only nearly impossible to get. “Go, it’s fine.” He doesn’t move, and she glances up and meets his gaze in the mirror. “What?”

“I—” he sounds a little bewildered. “You hate it when I have to cancel plans.”

She shrugs. “You wouldn’t lie to me about the bar being short staffed.”

“No,” he agrees, but slowly, like he’s trying to work something out. “”Lydia—”

“It’s not a big deal,” she says, as much a reminder to herself as it is for him. “We can go another time.”

--

She’s not proud to admit that she nearly panics when Jordan pulls the car up to Rosie’s. “I thought we were going to Fanny’s? Let’s go to Fanny’s. They have those blueberry pancakes—I want those.”

“Lydia.”

She takes a measured breath. “Please?”

“I know you’re probably thinking worst-case scenario—”

“Well, that’s what we come here for,” she says, holding up a hand and ticking her points off one by one. “There was the I’m leaving Beacon Hills talk, the let’s take a break talk, and who could forget the I can’t have kids talk and subsequent—”

“There was also,” Jordan says quietly, catching her wrist and sliding his fingers between hers until they’re holding hands, “the I love you talk, the let’s move in together talk, and now it’s going to be the I’m worried you talk. Come on, out of the car.”

Lydia admits defeat and goes. 

They wait, as they always do, until their food has been eaten and they’re lingering over coffee to start; Jordan slips out from behind the table and resettles himself next to her, wrapping one warm arm around her shoulder and pulling her in until she’s resting her cheek against him. “I’m worried about you.”

“You don’t need to be,” she says, patting her hand against his thigh. “Everything is fine.”

“It’s just—you’ve been so quiet,” he continues. “I hate it when you’re quiet. I’ve been trying to figure out what could have happened but I thought everything’s been fine, hasn’t it? So could you just—just tell me. Please.”

She takes a sip of her coffee before she gives in; it was inevitable anyway, because she’s always been terrible at keeping things from him. “I’ve just been hearing lately that I’m a little controlling, so I’ve been trying to let things go more often. That’s all, I promise.”

“Well, don’t,” he says, so bluntly that she looks over at him in surprise. “You can call it controlling all you want, but I don’t see it that way. I like knowing where you stand on things, I like not having to guess what you want, and I don’t want you to change.”

“You shouldn’t have to go along with everything I want just because I—”

Jordan huffs out a laugh. “If I go along with it, it’s because I don’t care one way or another. I don’t care where we hang a picture—yeah, Derek told me it didn’t look great where I put it, I’ll fix it when we get home—I just care that you’re happy with it. If I don’t like one of your suggestions, I’ll let you know.”

She squeezes his thigh when he kisses her temple. “Okay,” she says. “If you’re sure.”

--

The pit in her stomach still doesn’t go away.

--

She takes him back to Rosie’s a week later and Jordan, ever patient, doesn’t so much as look concerned throughout their meal—but does frown when she stops him from moving from his seat by kicking her foot up onto it. “I just want to see your face,” she says, and he smirks at her.

“Don’t you always?”

“Pretty much.” She grins when he pushes her foot off the seat and stretches a hand out so she can hold his across the table. “I thought, maybe, the whole controlling thing was the reason—or one of the reasons—that you didn’t—that we haven’t gotten engaged yet. That maybe you were figuring out if you really wanted to live with that for the rest of your life.”

Jordan looks so confused that her heart skips a beat. “Why would I need to figure that out? We’ve talked about getting married before.”

“Yes,” she says; it doesn’t take long for him to get it. “For about two years now.”

His face softens, and she doesn’t stop him when he gets up and walks around the table to sit next to her. “You’re ridiculous,” he says, so affectionately that she tilts up to kiss him. “Of course I want to marry you. I’d go to City Hall tomorrow if I didn’t know you wanted a big wedding.”

“It doesn’t have to be big,” she says, because it’s his wedding too and she should at least be able to compromise on that. “Just—something a bit more refined than a justice of the peace situation.”

“It can be as big as you want it to be,” he promises, picking up her hand and holding it. “Look—this isn’t your proposal, I know better than that. But if I promise you we’ll be married by this time next year? Would that make you feel better about it?”

She lifts an eyebrow at him. “You clearly have no idea how long it takes to plan a wedding, do you?”

“Not at all,” he says, grinning. “Alright, how about this—start planning, and don’t argue with me if I make plans for us in the next month or so. Good?”

“Good,” she says, unable to help the smile that seems like it may become a permanent fixture on her face. “But no hiding a ring in food, that’s tacky.”

[coquelicoq]

L (sorry if both asks went through, tumblr is garbage)

i only got one ask from you but i also got an anon asking for L, so it is meant to be!

Put a letter from A-Z in my ask and I’ll tell you 1 thing I love which starts with that letter.

i love leap years. i love that the calendar year is a social construct and sometimes we just all agree to throw in an extra day (or, in the case of lunisolar calendars, an extra month). i love that it's possible to have a birthday that some years just doesn't exist. i love that our tracking system for a natural phenomenon is imprecise enough that we're noticeably out of sync after only four years. (but also, four full years! not too shabby!)

i love lentils. there was a "let's make some soup poll" going around recently that ENRAGED me because lentils were not an option. yes many soups do not contain lentils and sometimes i even make and eat those soups...but to not offer them as a possible response was a slap in the face that lentils don't deserve. i once made lentil soup and some errant lentils found their way underneath a dish that i left in my sink for like two weeks and when i finally got the courage to wash that dish i found that the lentils had sprouted...not a good look for me as someone who should clean the sink more often, but the point is they're just little guys...straining for the sun with their little leafs....please don't forget about them 🥺

i love language. i love the creativity of it. i love that alongside its versatility and endless potential it is also by definition understandable…like no matter how far we take it, it only really remains language if it's communicating something from one person to another. and it's so human: fallible and incomplete and always changing, just like us. it exists because we are social creatures. the things it has allowed us to do! what a different existence this would be if the only things we could experience or learn about were the things available to our own immediate senses. plus all of my favorite types of humor are language-based. actually maybe i should branch out with my interests lol. think about things other than language for a change…

i love labelmakers. love me the fuck out of some labels. love making 'em, love sticking 'em to shit. in college i worked in a cafe where we had to wear nametags and i would just make myself a new name with the resident labelmaker (stored under the register) whenever i felt like it. i still have that nametag actually. it says my name is WANDA.

i love libraries. currently avoiding my local library because of the holds (there are so many) but i'm glad it exists. knowledge wants to be free!!! i love that i've had my library card since i was a wee bairn and it has my little kid handwriting on it. i love locating a nonfiction book in the sprawling morass of the dewey decimal system. it's probably not that hard but it feels like an accomplishment every time. i love libraries with big staircases and full-wall windows. i love seeing people sitting in chairs reading.

i love paintings of light on water but i'm not sure if that should go under P instead and i feel like i talk about it all the time so i'll spare you.

i love lyrics...especially stupid lyrics. especially abstruse lyrics. especially lyrics with sick rhyme schemes. especially lyrics that sound incredibly facile if you say them with normal cadence and pitch. that's why they're lyrics and not non-lyrics! they're meant to be sung!! i love stuff that's exactly what it's supposed to be and you maybe don't even notice until you try to make it something it's not. i love when it takes thirty years for me to realize i have no idea what the lyrics mean, or that i've been singing the wrong words all along. i love that lyrics are made by a person to a purpose. i especially love it when the lyrics come written down with the album. when nobody got me i know cd liner notes got me.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 1995 I just tried to call Tammy but she’s still busy. I want to ask her what temperature and for how many minutes she recommends cooking two big potatoes. For all the shit Tom’s gone through today I want to make him a spaghetti dinner with baked potatoes. I told him I was afraid of this happening, but anyway, they’re fucking him around with his severance checks from AMEX. First, they “conveniently” lost it, then they have it waiting for him way the hell out by the Crystal Creek apartments and he’s gotta spend so much money on gas. I remember how I always had to go through the same old shit with food stamps, SS and SSI. Also, one person tells him one thing, while another person tells him something else. Is that familiar to me, or what? Well, I’m honestly glad that I’m not the breadwinner and driver of this household. Poor guy.

I got a really cool letter from Alex today. He’s now using AOL and says he bought his own computer. He says AOL has more deaf users. Tom suggested we try to get me in touch with deaf people that way. Anyway, where does Alex get the money to buy himself a computer?

The envelope and stationery he used were really cool. I’m gonna stick them both in my binder. The most impressive thing was the hands spelling out “Hi Jodi.” I want that and I must ask Tom where we can get the alphabet. I’m sure it can’t be that hard to find. If we’ve got smiley faces, Christmas stuff, and all kinds of other symbols like animals, flowers, etc., I’m sure we can find it. Maybe it’s something Alex can send just like we sent Tammy’s disks of games.

Later…

That was the best spaghetti I ever made! Yup, it definitely helps to get the water boiling first.

I called Tammy back, but she just got in and hasn’t seen the girls cuz she was with Bill.

She gave me a tip on making those baked potatoes. She said to not bother wrapping it in tin foil, but that it’d probably be an hour. She said to poke holes in them, rub oil on my hands, then on the potatoes.

Next time we talk, I’ll not only find out what’s up with Bill but also tell her about the fingerspelling on Alex’s letter.

Later…

Andy just called and I had to go take my second dump of the day.

Yesterday Tom finally got my door sanded. Not well enough, though, so he’ll have to do it some more. Most importantly, he put a vent in the lower part of the door for when the EC is on. This will make it so much more convenient. Now I don’t have to open that door.

Remember that old fashion, ugly New England-looking wall paneling that was in the kitchen? Well, this is what he’s been using to build the cigarette machine.

An idea came to mind for a magazine rack in the bathroom. Right now there’s a black satin bag nailed up that was a slip from an old “Stevie” dress Andy gave me. I asked him to cut me two pieces of wood that are 12 x 16 then a thicker piece that’s 2½ x 16, sand them smooth, and drill two holes up top of one of the 12 x 16 in the two top corners. Then I’ll nail it together and put contact paper on it.

Larry oughta get his edit tape today.

Later…

I sure got a lot done today! I surprised Tom with that magazine rack. However, this idiot forgot to put sides on it as well as to make the front lower so it’d be easier to put up. I tied yarn around it and made a tassel/bow in front. Instead of taping the yarn for extra security, I taped it with contact paper, rather than regular tape. That looks cool. Tom helped me get it up. It does look a lot nicer than that black bag I made.

I’m gonna try to get ahold of Larry on Sunday. That’ll give him the weekend to check out the edits.

Tom got me two new puzzle books today, as I’ll be done soon with the one I’ve got and still have to wait a month or so for the ones in the mail.

We also got soap refills of bubble gum and watermelon.

He picked out Dad’s birthday card which we’ll mail out tomorrow. I’ll be calling him on the 5th.

I finished typing 88, the second storybook. Tom has a total of 50 pages to read tomorrow.

Earlier we revised our list of stuff to do, make, and get.

Tom said he can find and download the sign fonts on AOL easily. He’ll also put Alex in my AOL “address book.”

THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 1995 Boy, am I both shocked and proud of myself! Yesterday I slept longer than life itself. Over 12 hours when I usually sleep 6-9. I was afraid I’d fuck my schedule up as much as I’m dying to get these bandages off and I will one way or another. I fell asleep last night from 3 AM - 6 AM and have been up since. I do intend to easily conk out, though, within the next few hours.

Got a Bob letter today.

I may have forgotten to say that I mentioned to Kim about my not hearing from Alex. When they recently ran into each other she thought he might have said something about going away for a while. Out of state for some kind of soccer competition.

If I had a million bucks I could bet it on the fact that Jenny C will also be hearing those edits. She’ll certainly have mixed emotions about them. It’ll bring back unwanted memories of me harassing her with some of them. She’ll probably also find them funny.

Due to my being married now, there are an awful lot of people between his family and mine. In his family, they don’t give presents for birthdays, anniversaries and stuff like that. Only for Christmas and only the parents give their kids presents. Therefore, I asked Tammy if we could do only cards for each other’s birthdays and anniversaries, but send whatever for Chanukah. She said that’d be fine. I mentioned this to my parents and I’m sure there’ll be no problem.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29, 1995 Been busy with typing and stuff like that lately. I typed up 87 and I hope to get 88 done the day after tomorrow. Believe it or not, I’m gonna let Tom read what I’ve got typed up of my story so far. I’ve come quite a way since last April 13th when I began typing up all these journals.

Kim called earlier. Things are still great with this guy Doug who she’s been with for about a month now, I guess. He’s got our same sense of humor, naturally, otherwise she wouldn’t be with him.

He’s got a PO Box in CT where he’s from down in Vernon. He doesn’t know I live here, so as a joke I’m gonna mail him a wacky letter. Kim says she’ll certainly hear all about it.

Amazingly, Minnie’s been in touch with her. She’s thinking of taking her to see Bob, as they both want to. Especially Minnie who hasn’t seen him since he went into Walpole. That was before Concord and where he is now in Gardner.

We did some yard work around here today and we got the backyard looking a hell of a lot better.

I never paid attention before to notice, but Tom showed me that on the canister vacuum, you can also make it a blower if you move the hose to another hole. It’s not the most powerful thing, but it’s good enough. I blew off the cement around the pool as well as the patio.

A couple of nights ago at 9:30 ET, I called Larry. He was out, but Jenny answered. I spoke to her and Sandy. I let her know I was sending Larry something very wacky that wouldn’t make any sense. He’ll probably figure it out, though. I’m sending a tape of some edits. I’m sure he’ll be cracking up like crazy. He too has a weird sense of humor. Sandy will probably get a kick out of it, too. He should have it Friday. Also, Sandy told me Larry loves to get letters from me and that the last one was great. That’s cool to know.

What am I forgetting to mention now? I don’t know, but I’ll be back if I think of anything else.

Later…

I typed up Doug’s crazy letter for Kim which will go out tomorrow. He’ll probably get it Monday.

I forgot to mention that the kids next door have been a million times quieter. I am truly shocked. I just don’t believe it! I don’t know how long it’ll last, but it’s been great. I love it and I wish I sent that letter to them a long time ago. With them quieter, with not hearing their dog hardly ever, and with the music across the street long gone, it’s been wonderful. The most peaceful place I’ve ever lived. Also, this fan is a true gift from God that I could never and would never sleep without. Again it makes me wonder if I really want to fuck it all up with a baby. After it took so long to gain all this peace, little by little. Well, I still don’t think having a kid is in the cards with or without him cumming, so that’s the least of my worries.

Anyway, I believe I’ll go do some word puzzles for now. Did I mention that I sent Bob about 100 puzzles in a manila envelope? Yup, I did. He’ll be very pleased.

Wow, I just realized something. This journal should stretch to at least April 1st. That’ll make it the longest-running journal in quite a while. Lastly, I only have 2½ and a half more tapes to edit. That’s definitely it for now, but I’m sure that as soon as I put this book down, I’ll remember something else.

Later…

Yup, I did. It’s about Tammy. She told me something I wasn’t at all surprised to hear. Lisa and Jenny had made plans to get together, but Jenny’s been stalling, I guess. Tammy finally said that she told Lisa, “Hey, you called there twice. If they really want to, they’ll call you back.”

This is exactly what I thought would happen, though. Tammy says she hasn’t heard from Larry since he was there. I could see that he came here cuz he wanted to, but he went there only to make Mom and Dad happy. Especially dad. I really don’t think Tammy or Larry should even bother with one another, either over the phone or in person. It’s just not in Larry’s heart and Tammy only gets upset.

Anyway, I really wish to hell I could be there to see his reaction when he goes to play that edit tape. I wonder how much of it Sandy and the kids will hear? I can’t wait till we talk and to hear what he says about it. Also, about his trip to Tammy’s. I can just imagine what he’ll say about that, even though the only ones that I’ll tell are Tom and Andy.

MONDAY, MARCH 27, 1995 I’m going to be hibernating in my bedroom for a few more hours. This is because we’ve had a cool spell the last 3 days and we’ve already killed the pilots on the wall heaters. I now have the portable one on now in the bedroom. The good news, though, is that it’s supposed to hit 80º today and I don’t think it’ll get this cool again until next winter. The days have been fairly warm. Between 80º - 90º. It’s just that the last few days were only 70º - 75º and it got chilly at night. With Arizona being so dry, the 50s here feel much cooler than the 50s in MA.

Goldie called yesterday. I spoke to both her and Al and Tom talked to Goldie. They’re doing fine and are very happy about my surgery going a hell of a lot better than last time and that it’s pretty much over. All I have to deal with now are a few follow-ups and I can’t fucking wait to get this bandage off. It’s not that it’s painful or even that uncomfortable, it’s just itchy here and there. My arm’s itchy, too. If my scalp itches, I can’t scratch it for the most part as 80% of my scalp is covered.

Did I yet mention that Tom got his hair cut about a week ago? Although I like his hair longer better, it really doesn’t look bad at all. I was thinking he may end up looking rather geeky.

He tried to “shock” his system the other day. I had told him how I was almost starving myself for 3 days or so back in Sept. of ‘85 to lose weight. I told him how after trying so many hopeless and useless things, I had discovered the key to weight loss was in your metabolism. I stopped counting calories and believing it was what I ate as well as how much. I told him it takes several tries. I sure as hell had to try a million times before I could muster up enough will to eat only a few bites, drink liquids, and take vitamins. Especially when I did this at the time I was working at the Harley Hotel in Enfield, CT with all that free delicious food for lunch.

Anyway, I’m bigger than I have been in a while and am sick of the bulk of my favorite clothes being too tight, so I’m gonna “shock” my system for a couple of days or so. The thing of it is, though, believe it or not, it’s sometimes easier to lose and keep off a lot of weight than it is to do so with 5-10 pounds. What the scale says, though, is irrelevant; it’s what the measurements say. Mine could afford to drop 2-3 inches. Tom, who tells me I look fine, says I’m already too light to lose more weight. I can only tone and try to change my shape and the answer to that is exercise. Perhaps he’s right. However, we can’t change our shapes. We can only control it and alter it a bit, but I cannot exercise now anyway. My upper body is still firm, but my lower could definitely use some tightening up.

I suppose most people would tell themselves not to bother if they’re gonna try getting pregnant in the next few months, but you know I can’t believe, think, or live that way. I work with and make do with what’s happening today and I don’t count on nothing. Especially something as incredible as my getting pregnant. Incredible seeming, that is.

I was going to try to coax back my sixth sense, but it just has never been the same since being out here. Who knows if it’ll ever be like it used to be in the future? Especially when I never asked for it in the first place. Perhaps I’ll always have a little more of it than the average person, though. In my opinion, it was my compensation for getting here and getting what I’ve gotten here. If I’m right, then that’s a fine trade-off as far as I’m concerned. Something far more important could’ve been taken away from me instead. The sense of me getting pregnant in April and in the next journal is dwindling. It’s slowly fading, but June is, well, I’m not so sure yet. Regardless of whether or not I’m sterile, I still say that if Tom doesn’t cum by mid-late June or so, he never will. He still continues to talk more sure of and positive about a baby and has always, and still is dropping hints about getting pregnant in June. Well, since I’ve known him he’s been 98% right about lots of things, so we’ll have to wait and see.

There’s still a small part of me that cringes with fear and doubt over the thought of a kid. I wish I could know for sure just how it’d be for both of us. Well, I do believe strongly enough that whatever’s up there has no plans for me to die in the next 10-15 years, so if it truly is a death sentence for me, then it will make sure I’m sterile or that he never ever cums. If I have one and it kills me, then so much for that 10-15 year feeling of life. If I still have one and am miserable or it ruins our marriage, then maybe it wants me cursed and miserable again. I’ll have no idea until and if anything happens. At least all-out suffering and misery are what I feel is the least likely. Otherwise, I’d never have gotten to Arizona. Or if I did, my life here would’ve been made as shitty as in S. Deerfield or even Norwich.

SUNDAY, MARCH 26, 1995 I’m in quite a good mood today. The only negative things I’m feeling are my ear and arm itching. Also, I have to take Ibuprofen every day till I get these bandages off and can let my hair down. With the weight of my hair having to be up all the time, that does cause headaches. It’s not that long anymore; it’s cuz of its thickness. Having these bandages on for two weeks may make it grow a bit faster.

Tom helped me (cuz I’m such a lousy counter) to mark the week before my period so I remember to take water pills before it’s too late and I get so uncomfortable. I did April and May and when I began to do June he was like, oh, no, no, don’t jump ahead. Another hint about his liking the idea of me getting pregnant in June. Whatever month, I’ll still have to see it to believe it, cuz that’s just how I am over some things.

We screwed earlier which was fun. I came, but not surprisingly, he didn’t.

I did some housecleaning today. I dusted and vacuumed. Tom got this really good and powerful all-purpose cleaner. I cleaned the grease stains off the kitchen walls. Tomorrow I’ll do the bathroom and kitchen cabinets. Also, the laundry.

I finished typing 69 and currently only have 5 more regular journals to type up. However, I’m gonna take a break from typing journals to type up my story.

Sadly, the fluorescent bulb we got to use in the back room by the computer is defective. We tossed out its receipt and warranty, so we’ll have to get another one. They’re about 15 bucks, but they last for 6-7 years or so.

FRIDAY, MARCH 24, 1995 Damn, I haven’t done a #2 since the day before the surgery. Is it gonna be like the last time? I hope to hell I’m not constipated for a week like before, then have the runs and massive stomach pains.

I made another bracelet out of macramé. I’m starving and am now making a TV dinner.

I’m surprised Andy hasn’t called yet. Bob really gets on my nerves here and there, but I’ll discuss it after I eat.

Later…

I told Bob not to write little messages or poems on his envelopes. They’re really quite embarrassing and it’s no one else’s business what he’s got to tell me. He said he wouldn’t, but the stupid ass goes and does it twice. He just doesn’t get it and he’s just getting to be more and more boring, corny, with the same old shit to say. I’m thinking of dumping him more and more these days.

I’ve sent him a few word-find puzzles I don’t really like and he likes them a lot. In a manila envelope, I’m gonna send a few I keep with a certain type of print I don’t really care for, and a letter giving him a piece of my mind for the last time.

It’s hard to keep my mouth shut about my desires and fears of having a child. At the same time, though, I don’t want Tom to feel pressured. Why do I still want something I probably can’t have? Especially something that could very well kill me and our marriage. Something I couldn’t handle physically and mentally. Me and others thought I could never handle a relationship, but what if Tammy’s right and my worst fears of having a kid do come true? It seems like it should be much easier for me to never have a child and I’m sure that’s true, but it sure doesn’t always feel easier. I really hope that if I am sterile and if Tom never cums that the definite and potential negatives to having a kid will be enough to drive that desire away.

For about the 8th time I prayed to God to allow me to become pregnant as soon as can be and let us be the best parents we can possibly be and still have a wonderful marriage. If it’s not in my cards, please allow me to deal with and accept it better and help me through that.

I told Tom yesterday that my feeling of conceiving in April was fading, but June was a little stronger as far as a feeling about that. His reaction didn’t surprise me due to comments he’s made in the past. He said June was a good month to get pregnant cuz it’s cooler by the time you’re big. And something about being married at least a year before getting pregnant and it being born in 1996.

Anyway, there are 3 things I have a hard time believing him about. In all other areas, he’s always been 100% honest as far as I’m concerned and could always see and sense. Again those 3 things are:

How he claims Kim and all of us woke him up.

He’s always gonna be cumming “real soon” or “any time now” (I believe him when he says he always gets close by how hard he gets). Then he slows down and pulls himself out as if to keep from cumming. I’m not a guy, but I don’t know for sure, as weird as this sounds. He says he cums by going really slow so he can feel every movement thoroughly and really take in the feeling.

He says I’ll be pregnant soon and soon in his book he says means anywhere from now to 6 months with 2 or 3 being more likely. I don’t know about this cuz first he said I’d probably have one in November, then that became December.

After a cigarette, I’ll discuss my two worst fears, although they are thankfully doubtful.

Later…

I’ve finally been blessed with being able to take a normal shit. A small one, though, so I know I need to catch up.

Anyway, about these fears that are doubtful. I mentioned before my fear of Tom not really wanting a kid, but just saying he does to make me happy. When we first met he did say he could live with or without a kid and would agree to have one if his wife (not knowing I’d be his wife at the time) wanted one.

He’s expressed more of a desire to as time’s gone on, but from oh, say, when we met till up to 4-5 months ago, he’s said comments suggesting it’s not what he wants. Comments like: Jodi, you’re not going to have a child. I like things the way they are. I don’t know if it’s what I want. I’m so busy, I don’t know if I want the responsibility. I never sensed you’d have kids. I don’t think it’s what you really want. Not everyone in the world can have kids, etc.

I believe he’s trying to get me to be more patient by putting off stuff, even though I tell him I consider it eager, ambitious and motivated, but how do I know for sure that some other woman or person didn’t really hurt him in ways he’s never said? Like promised him something they never gave him and he wants to “even the score?” I highly doubt this, but that’d be nearly as bad as being sterile for sure or him never cumming if he’s planning on always and knowingly doing all he can do to keep me from getting pregnant. I would be very resentful if I ever found out for sure or got highly suspicious of him trying to keep us forever childless. It’d be bad and unfortunate if he said he didn’t want one or if I am sterile, but that’s very different than having someone knowingly and intentionally playing around with a serious issue with you and your head. Well, I’m still 99.9% sure he’s not a Scott M so that’s good.

Can’t wait till I get these bandages removed on April 4th. They’re not nearly as uncomfortable as the ones in Boston, but it’s not heaven, either. I do have some itches here and there.

I took the small wimpy headphones that go to the Walkman to use in my box. With these, I can adjust it so the left side is in the back of my head away from that ear while the good side is right on my ear. I can’t do that with my big kick-ass ones. They sound lousy, but it’ll do for now. Tom doesn’t mind if I play the box while he sleeps cuz he is a heavy sleeper, but occasionally I do like headphones anyway. I only like to blast it in the daytime. You see, I couldn’t give a shit or care less if I woke them up next door at 3 AM. I just don’t want to disturb any other people around here that never have been rude and disrespectful to my peace and quiet. I suppose, though, I should forget about others and just live my own life as everyone else does. People go about their business, doing whatever it is they do at all hours of the morning, afternoon, evening, and very late at night.

I sure wrote way more than I expected to tonight, but I really enjoyed it. It’s great to write out new things as well as stuff I’ve mentioned a million times over and get it all out. Tom has never ever discouraged me from talking to him. It’s just that I don’t want him to feel pressured or burdened and he isn’t here and awake 24 hours a day.

THURSDAY, MARCH 23, 1995 I said to Tom that I thought this would be the last story I write. He disagreed, so we’ll see. He’s almost always right.

As far as him being right about my being pregnant soon? I just can’t see it. He still insists he’s not holding back, as far as his not cumming. Whether he really is or not, I just can’t see him magically cumming one day soon or ever, after not doing so with me for so long.

I’ve heard different stories as far as the odds of conceiving without the guy cumming. Some say it’s one in millions. Others say one’s bound to make it up there eventually, but will just take longer.

Since I’ve known Tom he’s been 100% honest with me except for two things as far as I’m concerned. About Kim, Phil, Alex and I waking him up, and also when he says he isn’t holding back. I once made the comment to him that he could cum whenever he wanted to. He said he agreed. There have also been other statements made that tells me he’s holding back, too. I really do believe his desire to have a kid, though, so my first guess is that he was holding out till now till about June.

The second theory is that deep down he really doesn’t want one and is just a damn good actor. A better actor than I could ever have imagined. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens by the end of June. If I’m not pregnant by July or so, then I’m really gonna put some very serious thought into a hysterectomy. Cuz at that point whether I wanted a kid or not, was sterile or not, what will be the point of dealing with periods till I’m in my 50s?

He’s been acting like things will change, saying all we want is right there ready to be taken and had, but we’ll see. He’s been saying he was gonna cum every month since we began having sex. The bottom line is that we’ll still love each other just as much with no kid. Probably more so, cuz we won’t have it to take our time away from each other and fight over it.

The only thing I’d be disappointed about is if he never admitted he was holding back or did have something wrong with him should many more months go by before I got pregnant or if I never did. More so if he blamed me for it after he says it’s not my fault. Believe me, I haven’t blamed myself in a very long time, cuz I know he can cum by me as easily as I can by him. I also think he may enjoy the feeling of a hard-on more so than of an orgasm. This is weird and would drive me crazy with the frustration of needing to be relieved but to each their own.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22, 1995 Tom bought me 3 of my favorite pens today in black, blue and red, so I thought I’d start off with the black one.

As I said before, God doesn’t have great timing with everyone’s life events, otherwise teenagers wouldn’t get pregnant, but he sure does with me. My period held off till last night.

They weighed me as 102 in the hospital, but I’m sure I’m now 98-100. The first time I was operated on last December, I weighed 104.

I still haven’t had to take a pain pill. I’ve been up and about as usual. The only thing I can’t do is wear my headphones, so I just sit by the boom box as the last time.

Again it scares me and pisses me off to think - what if I never met Tom? Would Medicaid or Medicare have done a damn thing about my needing to take care of this?

No.

Mom and Dad called about an hour ago. Dad started off really loud saying, “Jodi Lin! Can you hear me?”

I told him how easy this one went and they thanked Tom for calling them yesterday at the hospital. He called Tammy, too. I tried to call her but got no answer. Things aren’t going well with Bill, Tammy told Tom.

Later…

Andy and I left messages for each other yesterday. He’s doing fine.

Tom also got me a couple of word find magazines and soon I’ll be getting them by mail. Every 3 weeks, 17 a year for $16.25.

I finally have all the journals that I’ve typed up on the computer on the main hard drive (C drive).

TUESDAY, MARCH 21, 1995 Back again after doing some editing.

I ate for the last time at 11:45. I did the dishes, polished my disgusting-looking nails, and made up a bag with extra clothes in case of an emergency.

Got a letter from Bob today. Nothing’s new with him.

Guess who else is having surgery today? Andy. Yup, he’s having a root canal done. At least I think that’s what it is. Anyway, he won’t be put out; just given Novocain like I was when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. He’s having all 4 of his wisdom teeth pulled.

Later…

I just got off the phone with Andy who’s quite nervous about his appointment tomorrow. We laughed about all kinds of things which helped to keep our minds off our surgery for a while. He called Karson, who only knows me as Mystery. She and Andy have never met in person, but Andy sure was right about one thing. This 22-year-old naïve girl is one fucked up puppy. She’s a total combination of Fran, Nervous, and Ellie. I read bits and pieces of an old journal and she totally believed everything I said. You can be so abusive to her and call her every name in the book. When I said she had a warrant out for her arrest she completely believed it and even called the police dept. to ask.

The 3 of us definitely have to talk more and I’m gonna record it. She’s great editing material. Andy says she’s home and up all the time and with her around, he never feels the need or urge to make prank calls.

Did I mention the letter I got two days ago from Larry? It shocked the shit out of me. I certainly never expected it. They just got a new computer, so that’s why. He said it’s because he hates writing. It was done on one piece of paper with an advertisement on it for Alpo cat food. He used 4 or 5 different fonts which we also have. He put in a funny joke which reminds me - sometime I’ll have to write down all the jokes I know. It’d be nice to have them all grouped together. He also wrote how when he was at Tammy’s he went to the bathroom, made coffee, and jogged around the block and she was still talking!

Ha, ha, get it?

So, I wrote back that I called her, put the phone down, gave Tom a long kiss, went for a swim, out cruising with Andy, came back and she was still talking! Tom thought it was pretty funny.

Alex must’ve broken up with Chrissy cuz I haven’t gotten any email from him lately.

Gotta go pee, then when I return I’ll mention a new type of journal I may get soon.

Later…

Oh, fuck! I’m really pissed cuz I am soooo damn hungry. I’ll just have to drink a real lot soon and hope that’ll help.

I did do some editing as I was gonna say earlier before Andy called, but I’d like to save the rest for when I’m once again hearing out of two ears.

When I was last out buying journals, I saw some that were about double the size of this one. I’ve seen them several times. Well, it may look funny on my shelves with all the others, but I’d like to get one. Its cover may be just like one of my marble covers, but oh well if it’s like one I already have cuz these sizes aren’t as common as this book I’m writing in. It’ll take quite a while to go through, but I want it for the sake of something different.

I have no regrets about recopying and ditching those 4 small ones I once had, though. Those go way too fast and are a real bitch to write in.

I hear Tom snoring a lot less, so I hope his new contour pillow really does help him.

Later…

Yay!!! It’s over!!! Boy, was this operation a piece of cake compared to the last one. I mean, the difference between this operation and the last one is the difference between night and day. The only thing that was a bitch was the waiting time. They drew blood there, cuz I didn’t have it drawn before. Waking up was easier than I thought it’d be, just as Tom said.

I do have bandages all over my head as I had in Boston, but the good news is that they don’t go under my neck. That was incredibly itchy. He had to do that, though, since there’s no frame to tape bandages to.

I can only imagine how hideous it must look, but I needed that frame taken out. Thank God it’s gone!

Tom got prescription painkillers and can you believe I haven’t had to take even one of them?! My ear and skin graft on my arm are virtually painless. It’s nice to be able to move my jaw to talk and eat since he didn’t have to take any muscle from it. Also, no strap so tight it feels like my skull’s gonna burst.

Before surgery, I told Dr. Nielsen to send my frame to Boston. He said, “Oh, I’d like to do that and tell them to bury it in their graveyard.”

I never saw Dr. Joganic.

Tom called Mom, Dad, and Tammy.

I’ve got more to say, but I’ll be writing on and off as things come to me.

MONDAY, MARCH 20, 1995 Well, it’s the eve of my surgery. I’m gonna be rather brief cuz I want to do some editing since I can’t for a while.

I slept from 7 AM - 11 AM and was very, very tired when Tom got me up. After my noon appointment with Dr. Nielsen, I came home and went right back to bed and slept from 2 PM - 6 PM. The appointment took forever cuz I was exhausted. If I had been awake, it would’ve gone real quick. The anesthesiologist called tonight wanting general information. It’s a male this time. This time around I was told that I can drink liquids after midnight, but I can’t eat.

Well, there’s more I could write about, but I think I’ll save it for later or after the surgery.

SUNDAY, MARCH 19, 1995 Today I slept from around 10 AM - 4 PM. Tomorrow’s my noon pre-op appointment. I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna have the strength to get there, but Tom confidently said there’d be no problem. He’s always right, thank God.

I finished one of the teddy bear puzzles yesterday. Then, I flipped it over, put duct tape on the back of it, and hung it on the wall. I want to do the same thing with the other teddy bear one which I’m halfway through with but don’t know how I’m gonna flip this one as easily cuz the pieces aren’t quite as tight.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17, 1995 Yesterday Tom showed me how to index disks in numerical order on the computer. It was really easy and I did 207 of them. About 20 of them crashed and I had to reset the computer cuz they were old, low-density disks.

Last night Andy and I went to the mountain for an hour and a half. On our way back we stopped at a drive-through and he treated me to an order of fries.

I brought him his taxes which Tom did yesterday. He asked what he should do for Tom. I know he can’t really afford to give him $20 as he suggested to him over the phone, so I suggested a thank you card. He can write some of our famous wacky lines, too. He also told me he has some friends who would really love the edits, so I gave him 10 tapes of one of the sets of backups. We played a few last night in his car. He says he’s gonna go through all of them just in case there’s anything he doesn’t want anyone else to hear.

As of yesterday, he’s been here for 4 years. I’m next on June 9th with my third anniversary.

All’s fine with Tom and me. There are only two things I wish Tom would improve on. I wish he wouldn’t be such a procrastinator. I wish he’d follow through with the projects he gets started on. Yesterday he said he was gonna strip the two chairs outside. He began one of them, but I know he’s gonna take forever to do them.

I also wish he’d pick up after himself a little more. One thing’s for sure and that is that I’m not straightening up the back room anymore, cuz he just turns right around and trashes it.

Later…

I talked with Tom who kindly straightened up the papers on the desk we both use.

Apparently, he flew out of here in a hurry cuz AMEX was jerking him around as far as his check goes. They were supposed to direct deposit it. Instead, they sent it to the Crystal Creek Apts.

Yesterday I got another library book that should be similar to the one I just finished.

We screwed around earlier. With no KY jelly, he was able to get in there quickly and easily with no pain or discomfort felt by me. I sure have “come” a long way. It felt like he was close to cumming. That’s what he said, but he always says that.

He seems to want a kid more and more, and more than once he said, “You’ll be pregnant soon.” I still have to see this to believe it, but right now my feeling is that if he doesn’t cum within a month after the surgery or so, then he definitely never will. What will I think then if that is the case? That he really wasn’t serious about a kid or he’s got a problem he just won’t own up to. I know how sensitive he can be at times.

Next door, amazingly, has been quieter. See? I knew there was no excuse for the way they could get at times and that those kids were controllable.

I made Tom a macramé bracelet in blue and white. I’m making some for me, using a few different color combinations. I have a double-stranded one. One side has black, maroon, purple, pink and white. The other has yellow, orange, red, green and blue.

I’m typing up 68 now and that’ll be done either tonight or tomorrow. Chow for now.

TUESDAY, MARCH 14, 1995 Boy, have we been busy these last few days. Things have been great, though.

It’s been very quiet next door. If it’s a coincidence or not, it remains to be seen.

Tammy left a message earlier saying that Bill’s responding well to his treatment so far.

I finished my library book two days ago. It was a good horror story.

Later…

I’ve done a lot so far with my remixing the edit tapes. I took my old tape recorder that allows me to fast forward/rewind with the play button down and I typed the edits on 3 different tapes. I did this cuz I had some of the same edits on a couple of tapes. It was really wild and cool to see my edits printed out so nicely. In fact, when I’m done remixing all of them, I may print them all out. It’ll be so cool to have every single edit printed out.

Also, when I was screening through tapes and I came upon some edits I thought I may have already typed up that were already on another tape, I could use the search thing on the computer. You type in the sentence or a few words of it and it’ll find it for you by highlighting it.

After I get done remixing and cutting down all my edits cuz they’re too long, I should have about 3 or 4 90-min. tapes. I no longer wish to use other people’s tapes. I’ll also have two sets of backups. I put a copy (10 tapes) in the living room table’s drawer and the other one (6 tapes) will stay with all my other tapes. I’ve already cut two tapes and I have 5 more to cut, but it doesn’t take as long as I thought it’d all take to do. Not that it really mattered anyway.

Later I’ll write in all my file names, excluding journals and drawings. I sure do have a lot of them at this time. Lots of them are stuff I’ve typed up for Tom, too. I have a few hundred files in my directory.

I put the glow-in-the-dark stickers I got from my TV dinner inside the front cover of this book. They don’t stick very well, though, so who knows how long they’ll last?

Andy left me a message the other day and told me to listen to his second message. It was from Donna. She’s also from Springfield, and Fran had her grandmother’s number which he’d constantly call while she was visiting there a couple of summers ago. Well, he’s been calling there again and Andy wanted my advice on the situation. All I could say was for her to either change her number or just hang up on him. He’s bound to try calling here and there, just as he’ll probably try here again someday. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s trying to look up and call all those with my maiden name in the Springfield area, but I don’t give a shit if he does.

I sure do have a lot of files on the computer. About a few hundred. There are lots of files I’ve typed up for Tom, too. I learned how to change the name of a file.

Now for what we got when we went out shopping today. Well, our tax return check came today for $330, so we decided to pick up a few things we wanted and needed. This is my first tax return since ‘86 and it was neat to see that it was sent from San Francisco, rather than from Boston.

Tom got one of those contour pillows, designed to support your neck and most importantly decrease snoring.

He looked around in computer stores, but couldn’t find anything too interesting or affordable.

He wants to get this thing that’s kind of like a chest tripod where you can rest and support a camcorder on your chest while filming. It’d be easier to carry it around too, around his neck, rather than to carry it even though it’s not too big.

We’re also gonna look for a new car windshield shade sometime, as well as more binders and computer paper that’s more stylish.

I didn’t find any word search puzzle books today, but I sure found where to get figurines. A store called Michael’s has lots of really nice ones. While I was there, though, I got some more silk flowers.

At the Old America art store, I got my second dog mug, an Irish Setter.

We went to a bookstore that we’d never been in before and they had a pretty decent journal selection. I got two of them and now I have a total of 91.

We went to a buffet for lunch and to Walmart where we got several things. An awesome fluorescent light for by the computer that doesn’t give off heat. The light is so much more natural too, and this bulb will last for years. We’re going to replace all our lights with bulbs like that.

I got two new pairs of French-cut silk-like panties. One’s purple and the other’s maroon. I ditched two more pairs that didn’t fit or that were old and worn out. I got a package of suede barrettes in different colors like blue, black, white, yellow, red, purple, pink, and sea green. I got 3 new headbands. I had plastic ones, but they could dig into me and get uncomfortable so I got cloth-covered ones in black, white, and purple. I got red nail polish, and lastly, two new 500-piece puzzles. They’re quite cute too. They’re teddy bears. One’s with two teddy bears at a picnic with bowls of strawberries. The other has lace and flowers surrounding them. Later I’ll write an idea I had for the puzzles as well as for flower arranging.

So much for Tom not snoring with this new pillow. I can hear him now.

SATURDAY, MARCH 11, 1995 I have only one more chapter in my library book.

We had a storm today, but it wasn’t much of a big deal. It’s still windy out and a bit chilly, but it’s not raining. Still, I doubt there’ll be any street parties today.

I haven’t heard much from next door, but last night at 10 PM as I was falling asleep, he started to get weird on me with that van over there. He came in at 10:00, shut the van off, got out, then came back and turned it on again. After 2-3 minutes of it running, I figured why bother to wait and see if he let it run for a half-hour or so, so I turned my fan up from medium to high.

Last night I thought I was coming down with a cold. I was sneezing and had a sore throat. Luckily it was only allergies, cuz when I got up I was perfectly fine.

Tom’s working on the cigarette machine now.

We screwed earlier. He wants to screw more and more and he really does want a kid from what he tells me. Oh, Tom. You’re gonna have to cum, though. You’re just gonna have to cum. If that’s what you really want, you’re gonna have to cum.

I began a major project today. It should not take too long to do, but I’m re-editing my 8 edit tapes. There are too many reps on each edit. It gets boring, as funny as they are when they’re each too long. Anyway, I’ve begun to go through and cut them shorter. So far, one whole side of a 90-minute tape has been cut to half a side of a 90-min.

FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 1995 I just finished typing/printing journal 67. I also typed the letter I got yesterday from Kim. Later on today, I may begin letters to Kim, Bob, and my parents.

Can you believe I did not wake up till 5 AM? Yesterday I was up for nearly 20 hours. I never even woke up to go to the bathroom. I weigh 98 pounds too, surprisingly.

When I was writing all about our trip to Vegas and our wedding, I noticed I forgot to mention something. A few days before we were to leave for Vegas, we got rings. His is a size 10 which they had available for him that day. The closest size they had that’d fit me at the time was a 6. They could not get my size before we left, so I had to get it when we came back. At first, I thought a 4¼ would fit just fine, but I had to end up getting a 4½.

Andy hopes to be able to pick up his VCR today. I’m gonna tape his soaps for him again today, for the third day.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this or not, but I rearranged the bedroom walls. You know those plastic-covered pieces of cardboard you stick pictures into photo albums? Well, I took about 9 of them, tore the plastic off and taped pictures onto them. Then, I taped that onto the walls. I did this to protect the pictures and make it easier for me to rearrange them. It’s easier to remove a sturdy piece of cardboard off the walls than the actual pictures themselves which rip a lot easier.

Later…

I thought I heard something from next door yesterday, but couldn’t be too sure cuz I had the fan on. I asked Tom if he heard any wild street parties and he said he only heard them out front for an instant. That was in the late afternoon. It’s a bit chilly till then, but as soon as that sun’s raced around to the front, they race out there. A month from now when it’s warm all day is when I usually hear them on and off all day and they move to the back. If I’m right in my theory about them not giving a shit, then it’s gonna be really fucking noisy out front from about 3:00 - 6:00. It’s to be 80º today.

Later…

Tom’s home now and he’s on the phone now talking with Eldon.

Today was his last day at AMEX. He found out today he’s eligible for unemployment.

Amazingly enough, when he came home, shortly after noon, he said he saw the woman next door leaving. He couldn’t tell if anyone else was with her or not. I can almost bet you that the reason she left, though, was to go to her GYN for her fucking 6th kid that’s on its way, no doubt.

Later…

They just came back next door, but I got a few hours till party time.

It’s hot out there now and I’ve got the EC on now bringing in the fresh air.

Tom and I were just talking about how things were going great now and how we’re in a great position to start the business and have a kid. He’s gonna be sleeping with me more often to make that easier and more possible.

THURSDAY, MARCH 9, 1995 Yesterday they should’ve gotten my letter. They didn’t call or come running over about it, which I’m not surprised about. It’s been peaceful for nearly a week, but I will be surprised if it stays that way. Anyway, they’re quiet a little more than half of the time. Hopefully, it’ll be almost all of the time from now on.

Yesterday I finished my third book on my current story (89). For now, I’ll keep on typing up and printing out story drafts like I normally do but will copy it in when I get a new journal for it which will be 90.

Later…

I am sitting outside now. Boy, is this journal bright in the sunlight! I came out here cuz I couldn’t fall asleep yet. I got up last night at 12:30, so in a few hours, I oughta be asleep.

It’s that time of year now when I have to keep checking the pool which I’m right by for bees. At least they’re not here every other second yet. Not till it gets really hot.

It’s a beautiful day today. Around 75º. The sun’s warm, but it’s breezy. It’s supposed to be in the mid-upper 70s through till Mon. We’re in for some showers and T-storms this weekend too, I hear.

Not a peep from next door, but at this time of year, it’s still a bit early for them. This weekend will be more of a true test. I just may not be awake to test most of the day. At this point, I don’t think they give a shit till and if I see differently. That time I told Dean that I was sorry for going off on his wife when they were moving in, he said he understood. Well, if he understood, then why was it such a circus over there for several more days after I gave a piece of my mind?

That black and white cat I call Oreo just crossed through the yard.

God, it’s getting hot now. I better go in.

TUESDAY, MARCH 7, 1995 I just talked to Andy a little while ago. He sent me an 8-page letter he got last September from his part-time boyfriend in Tucson. He also sent some Gloria pictures and two articles about thousands of prank calls made in Japan. Lastly, he sent 3 pictures. One of him here in Arizona, one of his old apartment building on Belmont Ave. back east, and one of my old apartment building on Woodside Terrace.

Later…

Wow! I actually fell asleep for 2½ hours or so after I last wrote. That’s unusual for me. Especially cuz I slept from about noon yesterday till 9 PM. Once again, maybe something is preparing me to be a day person for something other than the business. For the business, it won’t matter what time I work as long as I get done whatever work needs to be done.

Yesterday while I slept Tom went over to try to fix Andy’s VCR. It’s hopeless, so now I’m stuck taping his shows for a few days. It’s a pain, but I can’t turn a friend down.

Despite Andy’s soaps, there are 3 good movies on tonight. Why is it that there are always so many good things on at once? Well, there are only two VCRs here, not 3, so I’ll have to pick out the two I want to record.

The Gloria pictures he sent are not appealing at all, so I’ll put some in NPN envelopes and mail some to Bob. Bob will probably try to draw them. He sent a letter today with a Gloria drawing. It came out well.

After I show Tom the two prank phone call articles from Tokyo, I’ll probably mail them to Kim.

I saw the interview with Gloria who had 5 male impersonators doing a video for her at the time her baby was due. It was pretty interesting to see, but she looked terrible. Her hair was gross and she looked tired, older, and fatter.

Andy’s letter from Chris will be tossed in an NPN envelope.

When I saw the picture of the old Woodside place, I felt two emotions. First I cringed due to all the painful memories that go with that place. Then I laughed to myself, knowing never ever again will I ever have to live there again or live that kind of a life again! I would take a screaming crying baby to listen to 24 hours a day before I ever lived back east again, alone, or had any part of my old life back again.

Later…

Tom’s at work now and I’m just hanging out doing this and that today.

Tom said he no longer wants to put stuff off that needs to be done, which he said he’d do. That’s cool.

I called Tammy. Bill’s been in the hospital now for two months. She said that last night if she’d had a gun, she would’ve shot herself. Did I ever know that feeling oh so well for so many years?!

I redid my bedroom walls and printed out an updated journal chart.

Today I’m sending the letter next door. They should get it tomorrow. The last few days have been very quiet, but we’ll see how things go in time.

I also finished 66 and am now working on 67.

SUNDAY, MARCH 5, 1995 Yesterday Tom trimmed 3” from my hair. I hated to do it, but it was so dead, and really needed it. Every 6 weeks I’ll have him trim a quarter of an inch.

I’m gonna be mailing them a letter next door. It’s brief and friendly, but blunt. I know them. Their kids are gonna scream up a storm nearly every day till June. Then in the fall it’ll start back up again and die down from November to February. I ain’t putting up with it. It’s that plain and simple. I was here first, not that that should matter when it comes to other people forcing their noise on you. Fair is fair, so I enclosed this number in case my music got loud, but I’m pretty positive they can’t hear it anyway. I told them briefly about my ear, ear surgery, and why certain sounds register differently within me. While they do sound like nice people from what little contact we’ve had, I doubt they give a shit. It’s been obvious enough that they have no respect for those around them, but we’ll see. It’s that time of year where from about 8:30 AM - 7 PM I’ll hear them on and off mostly in the back. If I don’t notice any difference, then I’ll do everything I can think of to go out of my way to be heard over here. I don’t think it’ll make a bit of difference over 5 screaming kids, but I’ll think of something. I feel that if they respond to my request, God will do something else to me, but it’s a chance I’ll take. I just wish I knew what God’s message was in all this. There are only one or two other houses on this street with little kids, so why me? It doesn’t make me want my own any less, but I sure am sick of other people’s kids. My attitude’s still the same - if I’m not gonna hear my own someday, then I don’t want to hear nobody else’s.

Later…

I talked to Andy for quite a while. He said he was going through his stuff and cleaning when he came across a bag with tons of NPN cards I’d given him eons ago. Neither of us cares for or wants them; only envelopes. Then he said he came across 1 NPN envelope that he thought was his and opened it. Instead, it was an old draft of the journal subindex I had begun in ‘92. I did journals 1-22. He said he had hoped I wouldn’t be mad that he read it, I wrote nothing that made me look bad or that I should be embarrassed about, and was totally fascinated by it and how much I write.

I pulled out 16 and read him the note he gave me as he brought me to the airport to go to Florida. This was in late 1989 when I went for my 24th birthday. I also read him the letter I had him write and send to Jenny C. This was after our day in court when he was here and I was living in S. Deerfield.

I wish Tom wasn’t such a procrastinator. He said he was gonna call about stuff we ordered and never got. I can bet you that if I never remind him of it, he’ll never call. He may be busy and not feel well here and there, but there are just too many things he puts off. I really, really believe he’s trying to force patience into me. He denies that, but it does make me wonder. I don’t consider myself impatient, though. Just someone who likes to get stuff done. I also think he’s obsessed with me taking care of stuff he knowingly drops or rearranges. Other than that all is fine.

SATURDAY, MARCH 4, 1995 Yesterday we bombed this place. We left at 5 AM and drove around through PHX, Tempe, and Scottsdale for two hours till we returned at 7 AM. Naturally, we took Piggles with us.

FRIDAY, MARCH 3, 1995 Again, not much has happened. I did finish printing out 64 today. Also, after I worked out I accidentally smashed my can of marshmallow spread all over the kitchen floor.

THURSDAY, MARCH 2, 1995 Not much has happened in the last few days. Today’s appointment went well. The good news is that there should only be about 4 follow-up appointments after surgery, then I won’t have to see him for 6 months to a year.

After all the ear stuff is out of the way. I’ll hardly ever have doctor appointments. Especially since I’ll never have a kid. Knowing I’ll never have a kid is one thing. Accepting it is another. I’m sure I will in time. Once I see that Tom still doesn’t cum after he’s changed jobs, we’re in business, and my ear stuff’s over with, it’ll really sink in. The part about it that I’m grateful for is that if we did have a kid, I know I’ll be missing this life so badly. I don’t understand how I could want to put myself through such shit physically, mentally, and financially, and put our marriage in jeopardy. I’m sure I’ll come to my senses soon enough. There were other things I used to want for quite a while that I no longer want, so my feelings will change for the better if they don’t diminish completely.

Got other things to do, so I’ll write later.

[quietwings-fics]

you know nothing

Rating: General Audiences Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply Fandom: Supernatural Ship: Gen (Charlie & Kevin & Lucifer) Additional Tags: Trans Charlie Bradbury, Trans Kevin Tran (Supernatural), don't know how to classify lucifer's gender really. but it's definitely not cis, (also implied trans nick because i am predictable), Platonic Cuddling, Couch Cuddles, Television Watching, Gender Identity, Sexual Identity, and the complications therein, Alternate Universe, Charlie Bradbury in the Men of Letters Bunker, Kevin Tran in the Men of Letters Bunker, Lucifer in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Queer Themes, Friendship, Self-Indulgent Wordcount: 2,209 Summary:

Snippet from an alternate universe where Lucifer gets out of the Cage to be the guardian archangel to Kevin's prophet. Charlie is also along for the ride. They are friends. And Charlie is thinking about some things.

Charlie never developed much of a filter. Or, well, he did, but it was rudimentary at best. Around strangers, say nothing, let nothing stick, and so there wouldn’t be anything dragging on his heels when he needed to cut and run. Friends are supposed to be the opposite of that, right? You tell them everything. No stray thought goes unvoiced. Like how today he is Charlie, like Charlie Brown or Charles Xavier, but tomorrow, he might hang this name up again and try another one.

What triggers this new thought is a little ridiculous. His quest to spread the love for all things Game of Thrones through the Bunker’s inhabitants is going exactly as planned, (It gives him common ground to work off of. Small talk is hard. Rambling about Jaime Lannister is not.) and slowly but surely, he’s worked Kevin and Lucifer up to season 3. And season 3 has Ygritte. And wow, but Charlie has always wanted to kiss Ygritte.

This is new: Charlie wants to kiss Ygritte, but he wants just as badly to be Jon as he does it.

So, he opens his mouth without thinking and what spills out is, “I’m not sure if I’m a lesbian.” And what follows is silence, only broken by the dramatic swell of the soundtrack as characters trek through the snowy wastes.

They’re all sitting on the Bunker’s one couch, the one that was actually Charlie’s idea to get because what kind of movie night were you supposed to have without a couch. Charlie took the corner, and Lucifer took a seat next to him, and Kevin sprawled over the entire rest of the couch, legs thrown over the arm rest at the other end. Somewhere in the past thirty minutes, she’s taken over the empty space of Lucifer’s lap, resting her head there instead of on her own arms and the couch cushion. He doesn’t seem to care about the intrusion all that much.

Lucifer’s got two fingers pressed to Kevin’s right temple. Every once in a while, Charlie can see him make a small circle and hear Kevin let out a breath of relief. There’s only one effective cure for the migraines that come from reading the Word of God day in and day out, and that’s letting an archangel soothe them. It’s not something Kevin used to let him do. Not until a week and a half ago, when she’d walked into the kitchen and dropped the mug of coffee she’d been trying to drink because her hands were shaking too bad, whether from pain or sleep deprivation or the fact that all she’d eaten the day before from what Charlie could tell was a piece of bread and a Kit Kat bar. Kevin had stared at the shattered mess at her feet for a few seconds before finally saying, decisively, “I don’t have to fucking live like this.”

It turns out that if your prophet decides they want to sleep 8 hours a day and eat at least two full meals rather than throwing themselves at the brick wall of translation 24/7, it’s a lot harder to argue with them when they’ve got an archangel on their side. Lucifer takes his guardianship seriously. (And takes the job of getting on Dean’s nerves even more seriously.) It’s good, though. Charlie didn’t want to watch Kevin burn herself out.

“You like boys now?” Kevin asks. She turns her head slightly and resettles so that Lucifer’s fingers rest above the end of her eyebrow instead. She’s fresh-shaven. (Yesterday, she showed Charlie how to shave his face. It’s not something Charlie actually needs to do yet, but it’s useful information for the future. “My mom taught me, I’ll teach you,” Kevin has said and explained how it differed from shaving everywhere else. Charlie took notes. He’s got them on his iPad.)

“No, absolutely not,” Charlie says. He wrinkles his nose up at the idea. He may not have everything figured out yet, but he’s pinned that down for certain. Guys don’t have the same appeal girls do. There had been a few brief times after meeting Dean where he’d thought wait, am I-, but it turned out that feeling had not been attraction at all. It was the unfamiliar combination of ‘holy shit, I have a friend?’ and ‘why is it so easy for him and not for me’. To be fair, that was harder to figure out when Charlie didn’t know what he’d been jealous of Dean for doing so easily, but now he knows it’s being accepted as a one of the guys and not just the token girl he’d always been. (Knowing Dean better helped, because it turned out what Charlie had perceived as easy was actually the most elaborate gender stageplay in the history of mankind and that Dean wasn’t even fully aware he was an actor.)

The feeling still cropped up now and then, confirming further that it’s definitely not attraction because Charlie might be close to Kevin and Lucifer but not in that way. (Off-handedly, he’d joked once about stealing Lucifer’s gender, which led to the abrupt reminder that, oh, yeah, that was literally what Lucifer had done with his own body. Charlie’s not sure if finding that relatable should be worrying or not.)

"I thought at first that loving women was the only way humans could exist," Lucifer comments. "First Adam, and then Lilith, and then Eve, obviously." Charlie raises an eyebrow because things obvious to Lucifer were never actually so, and the real biblical Eve being a lesbian? That's a new one. "But then Cain's little brother, Seth, only ever had eyes for men."

"No one knows what you're talking about, old man," Kevin snarks. Lucifer narrows his eyes. He lifts his fingers from Kevin's forehead. It only takes a few seconds before Kevin tenses up, and she hisses out, "Ow. Okay. Sorry." She doesn't suffer for long. Lucifer goes back to soothing her migraine. Charlie can see goosebumps rise on Kevin's arm as she relaxes again.

"But I'm right, aren't I?" Charlie carries on. He wrings his hands. "If I'm a guy..." He pauses. "Guy-adjacent. Can I even still be a lesbian?" Kevin shifts from her side onto her back, tilting her head to peer upside-down at Charlie.

"You can steal millions from offshore bank accounts in under an hour," she says, "so I'm not sure who you think is going to stop you. The lesbian Jedi council?"

"There is no lesbian Jedi council."

"...and you know this because you went looking for it?"

"No. No, I didn't- Because it doesn't exist. And I didn't look for it."

"Right."

"Shut up."

”She’s right,” Lucifer says. He flicks a stray lock of Kevin’s hair absently. “There’s no one who could stop you.” He smiles at Charlie then. It’s the kind of smile that sets him a little on edge. Lucifer hasn’t hurt anyone since getting out of the Cage, has insisted he’s on parole and seeking redemption through looking after his Father’s newest prophet, (though he won’t clarify who exactly is enforcing that parole, if anyone) but Charlie’s read all of the Edlund books. Lucifer’s not a passive guard dog unless he chooses to be. 

Lucifer’s smile says you are one of mine and I protect what is mine, so give me a reason and I will bite.

Charlie pulls his feet up onto the couch, curling up and wiggling his toes against the cushion. The thing is that Lucifer’s protection is neither entirely unwarranted nor unwanted. Charlie is no prophet, but somewhere along the way, he’s become someone Lucifer will let into his space. Kevin had been the other way around, someone Lucifer had to convince to let him watch over her, and who ended up embracin it because no one else seemed to be in her corner. Charlie’s here more often now and ready to help Kevin in any way, but that’s a new development. She didn’t have anyone but the Winchesters before.

They're Lucifer’s. Certainly not in the way he claims Sam is his, but they’re still his. It’s funny what you feel safe to do when one of the most powerful creatures in the universe will cuddle with you on the couch. Who you feel safe to be.

Charlie tips to the side. He bumps Lucifer’s arm and then squirms so that he can comfortably rest his head against the archangel. Lucifer’s always cold, the good side of the pillow except he never warms up under Charlie’s cheek. Lucifer goes lax, settling deeper into the couch. Charlie takes that as invitation to come closer. 

“I might stop me,” Charlie says. Lucifer does this whenever Charlie and Kevin get this close. Lucifer’s always the bottom of the puppy pile, but he doesn’t complain so something about that must be nice for him. It’s hard to remember the heinous shit Charlie read about him doing when he’s melting under a single touch. 

(Charlie really shouldn’t scheme, but if this is how Lucifer reacts to them? Then they have to have Sam join them at some point. For science. Obviously.)

“When I figured out I liked girls,” Charlie continues, “I clung to that idea. I thought one day, when I found somewhere to settle, I would find a community there." No one is paying attention to the TV anymore, and Charlie's pretty sure he was the only one doing so at all in the first place. "I never settled. I never stopped for anyone for longer than a night." Of course the name Han was one he wore for a day, how could he not, but Charlie is not much of a dashing rogue, loving and leaving. Charlie's not even sure he could be a Luke yet, not the one who stood in triumph at the end of Return. "I wish I had. I could have belonged somewhere." He slumps. ”That’s why geeks rule. All you have to do is roll up and say, ‘I think Janeway was the best captain,’ and in five minutes, you’ll have someone ready to back you up with citations and another person ready to argue passionately in defense of Captain Kirk. No question about where you came from or where you're going or when."

Kevin stares at the ceiling forlornly. “You know, I used to have cool friends,” she says. A laugh rises in Charlie's chest, but it's too small to break out of it's cocoon and settles on his face as a fond smile.

"You took AP classes and you were in band," Charlie says. "You were the opposite of cool." Kevin crosses her arms. Lucifer shifts again, one arm settling around Charlie, his other hand tap-tapping against Kevin's elbow. Her migraine must have finally passed on.

“Humans have to label everything. Nothing actually works like that. Angels don’t even work like that, and Heaven loves boxes." His voice darkens. Then, he pauses, and he sighs. “Nick's wife used to be a lesbian.”

"Used to be?" Charlie questions, over Kevin's who is Nick? Kevin hasn't had the time to read the Edlund books.

"She stopped using that word when she knew Nick was a man. It made him happy." Lucifer filters a lot of things through Nick's experiences or through the few of Sam's memories he picked up while possessing him, Charlie's noticed, so it isn't a surprise when he asks, "Is that why you'd stop using it?" Charlie considers that. He lifts a hand to bite at his nail and grimaces when it's already been nipped too short.

"Why does no one warn you that once you figure the gender thing out, the goalposts get moved?" Charlie grumbles.

"The princess is in another castle?" Kevin offers.

"Don't try and cheer me up with references," Charlie says. He turns his head and presses his face against Lucifer's shoulder until the world is blotted out. Stupid Kevin. Stupid Mario quote. Stupid him for finding it funny anyway. The most complicated part of the world after meeting the Winchesters was supposed to be the man-eating shapeshifters trying to take over the government, not what he calls himself.

"If I can survive calling you Leon for a whole day because you just replayed Resident Evil 4, then I don't think you're going to hurt anyone by swapping between calling yourself a lesbian and not." Kevin says. Charlie peeks at her.

"Maybe..." He lifts a hand and runs it through his shorn hair, more symbol than style. It had meant everything when he did it. He probably won't keep it that short. "Maybe I'm not a lesbian today." And that's enough. Kevin rolls her eyes, but she lifts a hand above her head to pat Charlie's ankle in solidarity.

"Great," Lucifer says, "and now that you've decided that, can you put on the next episode?" Charlie glances over at the TV. The episode they were watching is over, and credits are running their course. He'll have to get up and swap out the DVDs to get to the next two episodes, and he's finally gotten comfy.

"In a minute," he says.

And Lucifer, who could turn a mountain to dust if he felt like it, accepts his new lot in life as a glorified pillow.

(Enjoyed it? Any interaction is welcomed. You can even support me on Ko-Fi <3)

[ducknotinarow]

Rhodes - Family Meme; all that apply uwu and yes the mum one does include Karine as well >:)

Talking about family

"You want me to talk about my family? Whatever not like it's gonna be all that interesting...wait I have to talk about her too? fucking...fine fine whatever."

Send 👔 for my muse to talk about their father

"Dad was different when I was younger compared to now,we just aint like we used to be when I was a kid. He was the one to tell me to put school first but he also was the one that got me into music too. I remember listening to all those old rock bands together and him taking me to music stores to start my own record collection. I guess starting a new family with his old one around still? I dunno changed him I guess. Despite custody mostly going towards him? I felt shut out. Sometimes I wonder if he rather I'd be with my mom more or fully so he could devote all his time to his new family now instead." As Rhodes stated his love for music was started by his father Derek. Who introduced Rhodes to 80's rock bands which are his favorites, especially glam rock bands. Have a lot to do for his taste in music. Rhodes won't really admit to it but of course the divorce effected him deeply. His happy home tearing apart and to Rhodes his father pulled away from him as well. Rhodes relationship with Derek has really just worsened over the years. In part Rhodes knows his father just wants the best for him but its hard to always see that when your father seems so against something that brings you a lot of joy. Music was what truly helped Rhodes get through his parents divorce playing out how he was feeling as a way to express the hurt and confusion that kind of situation brings only to have his father reduce it being nonsense? Even with Rhodes seeming to comply with his father's choice he never really did. He still collects records, he takes part in school events that let him play music to some extent. Even the way he dresses and wear make up is meant as a show of rebel towards his father.

Safe to say Rhodes and his fathers relationship? is very likely to go low contact once he graduates from school. He kind of has a fantasy of applying to the best school. And the night of his party to celebrate? he going to pull out an amp and his new guitar tear up the letter to say he aint going before shreading "we'er not gonna take it"

Despite this Rhode in part dose try and excuse a lot of his fathers actions. He still trying to protect his younger self in a sense. He likes to think one day his dad and him can be close again but the damage may be too much to turn back on.

Send 👚 for my muse to talk about their mother

"I love my mom, shes a for real hippie, she always wearing these crazy patterns on her clothes all in tune with emotions and such. She talks a lot about auras and whatever else I don't fully understand it like at all. But it's like the first thing she'll tell about someone is what color their Aura was and such. Mom's always had my back, when you think of biggest supporter my mom fits the bill. She's the only one of my parents to know I'm gay. She's even met past guys I've dated. Mostly upset I never stick to anyone, she blames herself for that. And well I hate that she blames herself for much. I tend not to tell her any issues going on at my Dad's cause to her it's her fault I'm in the situation I am. She isn't doing it to seem like the victim my mom just like that. She also is way to on board with me liking Buddy and Charlie, she was the one who brought up all three us dating in truth. Like I said shes a hippie so you know any stereo type you can think with that she fits with. Mom's also the best artist ever. Biased and not Biased included. She not afraid to just try something, she mostly excels in mix media art combine stuff together. She sells a lot of art she makes at the farmer market. Stuff for like garden decor wind chimes, stone mosaics. She makes paints as well, she really just found her love for art and full went into it...and I want to be the same with music. I miss that feeling I used to get with it. And well she just makes everything better. Sometimes just calling her up on the phone is enough to make any interaction with fucking bitch ass Karine not as bad. Speaking of her, where do I even start? I don't even understand what Dad sees in that women shes nothing like mom." "She and I didn't always click when Dad did finally introduce me to his new girlfriend, I mean she seemed nice enough even bought me a gift. But that was just to get brownie points with my Dad I'm sure. She thinks she knows everything which she doesn't and she LOVES when I point out when she is wrong. I think it was about the second time Dad had the three of us hang out when I decided I didn't like her. Dad stepped away well we met up for a meal. A diner place, I liked cause we used to go all the time which was why we went there. They severed 'happy face pancakes' on the kids menu of course that's what I wanted. Dad wouldn't care. But the waiter came by when he was away and Karine decided I shouldn't eat that. Sure I sound petty but that has pretty much set a precedent. Karine don't even like me, once she got her own kid she became way more obvious with it. That women gets pissed at any need I have. School meetings, after school stuff, doctor appointments. I don't get why she married a man that had a kid if she was gonna be such a bitch about it." As you can see Rhodes loves his mother more than anyone, she really has set an impossible standard. He finds her way of being to be weird but its said through affection. He likes the weird ones cause of his mom. I'd say his mother has really shape a lot of how he is why he can be so laid back and passionate why creative outlets mean so much and help him the most. His mother to him is the one who put more time and effort into him when his life was falling apart. meanwhile it felt like his dad was leaving him behind. And considering the women he would later move on to? It didn't really help in the slightest. Karine and Rhodes are not on the same page at all either. Part of Rhodes knows somehow she makes his Dad happy so he kind of suffers for his sake. Sadly this continues to be a tread.

Send 🤜 for my muse to talk about (one of) their sibling(s)

"Yeah I got a little half-sister, her name is Erin. She's mixed like me but looks more like a pigeon as well, good thing to or she also be a horrible canadian goose like Karine." He sighs a moment but smiles "But nah Erin a good kid by some miracle. Shes very shy, unless i'm around than shes talking none stop. I don't mind it though I know how it feels to be kind of ignored as a kid. She well pretty much what you expect a kid her age. She likes dolls, she likes pink she loves to hang out with me when i'm home. Karine hates it cause I teach her things. Erin's at the stage where she very much a sponge. Karin really hated it when she was walking around singing the lyrics to Burn in hell. I guess sometimes my feelings can be a bit complicated. I mean at first I didn't want to be her brother...to me it was more proof my parents would never get back together. Somehow I didn't think a kid wouldn't mean my Dad and Karine could divorce as well. I wanted to hate Erin. But...I guess I started to see how she was like me. And I didn't have anyone to be there for me. So I decided to be there for her...its why I don't get the custody changed So, i'm with mom more. Erin needs me."

Rhodes is a bit of a doting older brother to Erin, like himself she took after Derek and is a pigeon like Rhodes. As admitted Rhodes wasn't thrilled when he was told about getting a baby sister. At the time he was still holding out hope for his parents to get back together and everything to go back to how it was. But seeing how excited his Dad was about a baby on the way? It sort of finalized everything to him. He was prett distant with her for years. Keeping to himself he wanted nothing todo with her. But Even Rhodes is immune to a cute little chick saying his name as her first word. Erin is very close to Rhodes. Karine isn't to no surpise, a great mom pretty much expects a kid to be a little adult. Erin is nerd non-verbal cause she tends to be worried about upsetting Karine. Rhodes more laid back personalty however makes her feel more at ease. Rhodes tends to help her with her homework, they have a bit of gap between them in age. Rhodes is 15 where Erin is only five herself. He knows she has a bit of a rough time when hes not home well with his mom. When he is at his Dad he tends to be the target for her mother. Not that Karine is as bad as she is with Rhodes but shes not patient with Erin. So he worries a bit when it comes to her. But they get along pretty well he doesn't even mind babysitting her and hopefully his boyfriends don't mind her crashing dates at times.

Send 🎣 for my muse to talk about (one of) their aunt(s)/uncle(s) Future in laws

Im the mun i'm cheating uwu in a sens eit counts cause they are like family uwu.

"Hmm I'm a fan of Bailey, hes real cool actually and he understand the whole step monster thing. It's kind of nice to not be made to feel like I'm just being some dumb kid when it comes to Karine. Bailey don't make me feel that way at least. Richard's a pretty quite guy himself, but the times I talk to him its clear he has a passion for what he dose. He's kind of dork but it's also kind of cool just how much passion he has for something as simple as making coffee. I guess when they say do something you love that's what they mean? Together? They are grossly in love for sure. Not in a bad way but it explains why Bubbles is way he is. Maple reminds me of my mom a bit more so that once she got an idea you cant really talk her out of it. Shes very nice and welcoming though you pretty get told your coming to dinner and its clear she wants you around. Jasper is more clam himself, he also seems just as welcoming hes got a nice clam air to him. I can see how those two took up raising Chippy." Im the mun I can do what I want XD, Rhodes is still getting to know the other adults, I feel he'll be closest to Bailey of course due to Bailey offering to talk to him with his step-mom issues. And since Bailey basically made his family home open for Rhodes to hide away at when needed? I feel he'll be pretty close to them. He likes all the adults and I feel he feels safe around any of the four of them if his mother isn't around. he isn't used to adults outside him mom treating him as well not an issue so it's just a nice change of pace for him.

Send 🐾 for my muse to talk about (one of) their pet(s)

"I don't have any pets at my Dad's. Karine got a thing about pets, but I did get a pet when my mom moved to St.Canard. She insisted on me needing company when she wasn't around. But I gotta say she is right Joan is the sweetest and chillest Lizard ever after all." I just see Rhodes having a pet but he have a bit out of the norm pet like a reptile of some sort. Joan is his pet lizard, as stated, she is a bearded dragon named after the singer Joan Jett which is her full name. She answers to Joan, Jett, Joan Jett and Jetty.Rhodes handles her well enough to let her rest on his shoulders. She sometimes likes to perch around his neck even well he cleans her tank. He's had her for a few years so she trusts Rhodes to care for her. Rhodes likes to spoil her a little when he can, getting her the best food, or even things to play with so he makes sure her tank has pleantly of things for her to explore and keep her interest. He often takes her out as well when he dose homework or practices on his instruments. Rhodes had her just a bit before his parents divorce, Karine didn't like her so his mom took her. So Rhodes wouldn't have to lose his pet.

[magpie-moon]

If you can figure out what to name it, tell me

You’re like watermelon in August, when the heat index is 102, and the air sticks to my lungs, clogs my pores and fills me with an inevitable kind of despair that only hot weather brings

You’re like BlueBell at the end of a long day and the bluebonnets on the roadsides, like the Indian Paintbrushes and buttercups that line the bayous and the hens and chickens that dot the yard, they glisten with morning dew drops and rest under roses and azaleas. They grow no matter what part of them you plant

Through your eyes, I see these walls. I see snowfalls and icy streets, air that leaves puffs of train smoke in your wake. I breathe crisp fog and glean shine from burnt lightbulbs, watch the clocks move and laugh at the ghosts that haunt me, for I am something of a ghost myself

You’ve led to everything and nothing; you’ve forged paths in my heart, in my mind, uncovered long-forgotten dreams and brought them to fruition, planting hope and sowing wishes for less wasted time and clandestine lies of petty forgiveness. You’ve made me want to remember the rhymes of childhood, the ones I sought to suppress from fear of disappointment and everything that comes with it. But I’m always disappointed. In my mother and her husbands, in my father and his new family, in my grandparents and their old-fashioned tyranny, meant to keep me on the straight and narrow. But I’ve never been very straight, and my narrowness is subjective

I’m antsy without you near but it's fine. I think about you all the time but it's fine. I wonder what you dream about but it's fine. I want to give you everything but it's fine. Maybe it's not healthy but it’s fine, and this probably isn’t even a very good poem but that's fine too You’ve made an addict out of me, and I don’t even mind the cravings

I miss you like the tides miss the moon, clawing fruitlessly at the sand trying to get closer. Instead, I only end up polishing my sea glass words and curating pearl pictures. When I think they’re pretty enough, I send them over with the hope you love them half as much as I love you

Maybe I’ve never told you this, but I sing all the time, and all the songs are for you as well

I tra-la-la around the house like a songbird with subpar vocal cords. I used to wonder why the caged bird sings, but here I am, a lark, and you’re a song, I can’t stop and I don’t want to

You make me want to write you love letters you’ll never receive. They’re full of things I barely let myself think, and I let the love-struck words leak out from my mind to the nib. Ink onto a page and onto blue bloody fingers. My heart is covered with indents from when you dug your teeth in, and you just continue to leave more and more as we go along

I hide the letters, you know. From myself or from everyone else, I'm not quite sure, but I wrap them in my stockings and stash them in a sock drawer. Sometimes I breathe them in and hold the heartsick sentiments in trembling hands. I hope I work up the nerve to show them to you one day. I think you’d find them interesting

I feel like I'm in a fever dream with you fueling the flames. And I'm still here shivering like a child lost in the rain, cold and left behind, thinking of your skin-warm hoodies and scalding touch. I want to dry my eyes on your blankets and be held when I cry during a sad movie, during a sort of depressing song that gets to me for no real reason, while reading an article about all the injustices of the world that hurt me now more than they ever did before

You're like the sun, and I constantly have to remind myself that the sun is also a star. Then I remember you are also the stars. And the moon. And every other planetary object that fills the dark sky like so many night lights

I hope this never fades. I hope I'll get to look around one day and see you full of candlelight and smiles. I want to give you butterfly kisses and watch your calico eyes, pull you close, and never let you go

Sometimes you feel like peppermint tea and heartache. I love it more than I should. And I long for you more than I’d care to admit I’m lost in space and time slides like silken wind slipping past my grasping hands. It exists, but like most things that feel important, it’s meaningless, fluid, and I can’t stay put long enough for it to solidify. And well, you're solid enough for the both of us. I'm so used to being non-corporeal, just a friendly ghost amid phantoms and poltergeists, I could barely let myself feel, let alone become something real. Something with substance and gumption

You’re helium and gravity; you keep my head in the clouds, my feet planted steadfast onto the ground. A tether to keep me from wandering too far. An anchor, so when I drift back, it’s back to the start, and I know it well. Because unfamiliarity makes me anxious, but then most things do. Its nothing unusual

You're all-consuming and encompassing. You feel like almost drowning or falling off bridges only to be caught before hitting the bottom. You're like static and I keep getting shocked. I never thought anything could be like this, inevitable. Like tectonic plates colliding, causing earthquakes that shake foundations and rattle windows. That knocks me off my feet and leaves me sprawled out on the floor, and all I can do is wait for you to pick me back up again. And I know you will. You always do

[bugbyte]

Medical nonsense! Spent my evening crying about it. That’s becoming my new hobby.

Some of this discusses needles and medical trauma, and even though I’m tagging those I also want to be up front because it’s pretty heavy.

Got a letter from an office I haven’t been to yet that’s doing yet more genetic testing for something that’s for sure confirmed to run on one side of my family and will also Mess You Up, and instead of being informed by a person it’s just. Like 3 sentences that vaguely explain this other test they want to do.

It’s a nerve conduction test, plus an electromyogram, both of which involve sticking a bunch of needles into muscles and then either putting electricity in to see what happens or measuring electrical output on an oscilloscope. Which, because I love electronics sounds fascinating on the surface except for the needles part and realizing that those suckers are going to have to go deep to actually touch muscle (which I learned from trigger point injections) and so yeah no I am filled with a copious level of nope and dread. The nah cup runneth over. I’m going to try and speak to a human and see if this is actually necessary because I don’t have symptoms of the genetic thing presently, but I was advised to test for the gene now because it appears later in life. And if I can do anything or science improves before then, I want to know.

Then I thought about it too much and had a panic attack, which took a while to put 2 and 2 together, but it’s trauma, it’s always trauma if you keep peeling back layers. I had surgery in mid-2020, sort of unexpectedly, and at the height of the pandemic. I had never had surgery before, so I was in the hospital, alone, cut off from family and support people because they took my belongings to a locker, so my phone was out of my hands. At the time I was much worse about dealing with needles than I am now and got a bunch of surprise blood draws and injections and several failed IVs in pre op when I had mentally prepared for…one IV.

Anyway, I was having a panic attack because I had been told not to take my meds beforehand and they threw my spouse out of the waiting area even though I had been told he could stay with me because of my anxiety. I tried to communicate all of this to the nurses setting me up but, man, these two just had some kind of good cop/bad cop routine going on and Bad Cop was trying to get blood from my hand and slapping my veins viciously. The other nurse was in my other arm placing the IV but the tube size was incorrect and instead it started leaking everywhere, so Bad Cop came over to help and just applied an excessive amount of pressure to keep the IV in place while a new tube was put in but man, it did not need to be nearly that rough. I was not bleeding and it wasn’t meds going in, just saline. All of this did not help my panic attack. She was just clearly pissed about having to deal with me and got away with just enough physical violence that could be written off as necessary for the blood draw and me exaggerating because of the panic attack. I wasn’t exaggerating though. I had bruises for over a month. I bruise easily, but this was something else.

The first person there to show me any kindness was the anesthesiologist who spoke kindly to me and talked about the procedure and then dosed me with versed to help with the panic. Here’s the thing: versed is supposed to calm you down and make you forget what’s happening. My anxiety was so high that she had to come back for another dose. I clearly remember everything up to being put under. My brain was fighting that hard, under the impression it was going to die, because panic attacks do that. I felt like a wilted plant but I had total awareness in a limp body, which was also a mildly terrifying experience.

Anyway, dropping a weird new test on me this week with very little information or justification, that’s apparently needle based and described as “mildly uncomfortable” (one of the greatest lies in medicine) just slapped every button on my console like a kid in an elevator.

I’m just, not willing to put myself in a room alone with people I do not know who are going to stick me and tell me “it doesn’t hurt that bad.” Baby, I have a connective tissue disorder, everything hurts that bad. Trigger points leave me bruised for a week. I sublux my shoulder on the regular and have to straighten my fingers because the joints have popped out and my free floating fingers are point more sideways. Tightly-focused, sharp, drawn-out pains are my kryptonite, but at least I’m self aware.

So. You know. Crying it out and trying to parse where all this defense mode came from, and what do you know, it’s hospital trauma. Chalk that up as a new one. Or an old one. Brains are awful. I’ll get through, I always do, but I feel like I keep re-emerging as a new person every time which is a confusing feeling.