#also I want the record to show that I had NO idea exactly what anders did to make him so ~controversial~ before playing

[doctormage]

my top 3 “i wasn’t ready to be this upset” moments in this fucking franchise

alistair being so hurt and betrayed if u make him be king

this!!!!!!! fucking!!!! dlc!!!!!

just like. the entire anders situation. as a whole

ok but all jokes aside. i was prepared to be fucked up by this dlc (i even chose this romance for that exact reason, like some kind of masochistic idiot) but i was not prepared to be THIS fucked up??? how am i supposed to go to sleep now

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Fish

For @whump-advent-calendar‘s day 4-6, Burn/Candles

CW: Referenced medical whump and dehumanization, light burn (accidental), captivity, muzzling, drugging reference, reluctant whumper turned caretaker

Introduction | Siren Song | Cries | Here | Not Sure | Draw Blood | Fish | Signs

---

BAHRAM’S NOTES NOTE TO SELF - SAVE IN EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE. DO NOT LET DR. L SEE.

October 22nd, 20XX 3:45 am Mer in Residence: 19 Days

It’s time to admit I’m more or less keeping a diary at this point as I get to understanding him. So far I’ve written separate notes to myself… for ten or so straight days of the nineteen we’ve had him here, and it’s getting harder to write the official transcriptions the way Dr. L wants me to.

Dr. Lachlan insists I call the mer ‘it’, that it’s to help me distance myself emotionally since it’s such a good mimic of humanity, but I don’t think it’s a damn mimic, I think it’s just… human.

I mean, obviously it’s not HUMAN, but… Miah spelled it out for me, we had an argument about this when he first got here. She gets so angry that he’s getting hurt and you know, I guess I believed Dr. L - mer aren’t my specialty field, I’m a snake man really, I don’t know the first bloody thing about fucking cetaceans. 

Anyway, I said to her at the time, “It’s not human.”

She told me, “Maybe not H-U-M-A-N, but P-E-R-S-O-N,” just like jabbing me in the chest afterward. Also, Miah can fingerspell in a way that really makes you feel like a six year old getting yelled at by your mother, for the record. I can’t describe it any other way. I was ready to just melt away from personal embarrassment before she even finished signing “person.”

That’s not the point of this. 

I didn’t start a diary just to tell myself how right Miah is about all of this, but hey, here we are.

I need some days off so badly.

Miah wasn’t around today, it’s really just been me and the mer - I’m off for four days coming up here, after 20 days of work, and she’s going to come in and do 24-hour watch until I’m back. It’s not so bad - I don’t really know anyone here, and the bed’s comfortable enough. Dr. L’s paying rent on my apartment so I won’t lose it while I’m working, anyway.

I still feel like some low-level henchman, though. Like any moment some asshole in a tank top is going to show up with guns and I’ll just be a faceless evil stepping stone before the boss fight with Dr. L. 

I mean, we all know that Dr. L’s going to be the boss fight, right? Anders would just like lay down or throw Miah in front of himself or something.

No, that’s not fair, he really does love her.

Bahram this is all hypotheticals about a video game. Get back on track, man.

So Miah must have gone shopping or something. She came back with a bag full of these candles from this bookstore she really likes. I mean she came back with an insane amount of books, too, but she had this candle she pulled out and put down on my desk.

She set down the candle - it’s this really nice deep blue and has some kind of like ocean scene painted on the label, like, isn’t that thematic - and smiled at me. “This one reminded me of what we’re doing,” She told me, and her signs were… softer. Her expressions were softer alongside them.

Does that mean… anything? I don’t know. She just put it on my desk and then wandered off. I thanked her but I had to take her shoulder and get her to look at me, first. Maybe her face was a little red.

Maybe not. 

We keep the tank room pretty warm, I’m sort of cold-natured and the mer seems more active when we keep the lights really warm, so… 

I don’t get why she bought me a candle and why she looked away before I could thank her for it. I don’t get it, and I feel like I should, but I don’t. Is she not looking because it wasn’t a big deal, or because it was a big deal, or… what?

I really WOULD sink into the floor if Dr. L or Miah ever saw that I wrote this. Get it together, Bahram. You are not writing a diary about Miah fucking Kirsse. 

It’s been just me and the mer, all day. Dr. L was gone, too, meeting with whoever’s funding this whole thing. She’ll be gone until next week, so there’s no real work getting done, for now. Just blood draws.

She’s showing them its claws she took off. I don’t know why. Honestly, I have such a bad feeling about this, but I needed the cash and nowhere else was hiring for a job that would give me room and board and still time to work on my own research. Not that I’ve done a bit of THAT in a week.

I get too distracted by the mer.

He swims in circles. He stares at nothing, or pokes the plastic coral and ferns we got him, or hides in his cave. I can switch the screens over to watch the camera feed from inside the cave, but he doesn’t do much in there, either. I caught him picking at his scales, and I need to ask Dr. L about that. She took three scales off his tail, which for the record I had nothing to do with (whose record? I’m writing this to myself, and what the fuck does it matter about scales when I’m the one sticking the damn needle in his elbow twice a week), and I caught him sort of whistling sadly and picking at the empty spaces. 

They’ll grow back, Dr. L says. She’s not worried.

I am.

A little.

I’m starting to think Dr. L is lying about a lot of things, and I’m not sure what to do about that. If anything. This is a job, and I get paid better than I’ve ever been paid in my life. So… what do I do?

I could call the hotline and report him. It’s anonymous. 

She’d know I did it.

I don’t know why, but… I don’t want her to know it was me. Cowardice, I guess. Pure bloody cowardice.

But Miah hasn’t emailed the hotline, either. We can’t both be cowards, right?

Anyway.

Tonight was tank cleaning, which is a bloody fucking chore. Anders was around long enough to help me get the mer tranq’d and into the lift and then the rolling tank where he can just sit until I get my work done. Poor thing just lolls around when he’s tranq’d up. Barely blinks. 

Doesn’t stop its fucking crying, though.

We took a lot of blood from him today, too, so he was very weak. Barely moved, just curled himself up small so he was totally in the water and watched me work after Anders left. We’ve got a scrubber machine that does the hard work, I just have to hose some things down and then make sure its filter is still operating correctly. Watch the scrubber. Whole process takes about three hours from start to tank totally refilled, as long as I do it weekly. It’ll take much longer if I let it slide.

Double-checked the camera in the cave, and when I walked out of it I saw the mer’s head was up, watching everything I was doing. He dropped right back down under the water when he saw me looking at him. The muzzle looks so monstrous on him, but more than that, it makes him look like a monster.

Maybe Dr. L doesn’t muzzle him to keep us safe, but to keep me from seeing his expressions while I’m here with him all day.

No, that’s stupid. She doesn’t even think he’s sentient, right?

I finished up, and when I came to roll him back to the lift, I saw he’d popped his head up out of the rolling tank and was looking around the room itself. He hasn’t really looked around at all before this, and he was still tranq’d but maybe I fucked up the dosage? Because he was pretty alert, kind of whistling to himself and giving little chirps and clicks. He sounds like some weird mix of killer whale and fucking otters or something. When he saw me, he flinched back down under the water, but I had this idea.

Dr. L took his claws, and he’s still muzzled except when he’s on the table or when he eats, so like, it’s not like he can hurt me, right?

His eyes had gone to my desk, looking at… I guess all my books and papers and my laptop and everything. Maybe the candle. I waved my hand around until I saw that he was watching me again. With those big eyes it’s hard to tell exactly what he’s looking at, but when I clapped my hands he blinked at me, so I know he can hear it, can see me.

Then - and I swear I’m not lying - he moved himself up out of the water, and put his palms together. His earfins twitched out and back against his scalp, and his white hair dripped water all down his shoulders. 

He cocked his head at me. Then he put his hands together, harder this time. He clapped, and then… he clicked.

I KNEW it. I KNEW clicks were questions. Dr. L said their brains don’t work that way, but I bet they do. Who’s even considered how their brains work? Maybe they’re just like us. All the studying I’ve been doing shows that the scans we’ve done of dead ones are pretty similar in overall size and placement of their center of language. They’ve shown that mer populations have their own dialects if they don’t interact with each other, like the Atlantic transients sound totally different than the Pacific transients, which sound different than the residents that stick close to the coastlines up by Alaska...

Making my own head hurt. I don’t even care about fucking mammals, but I guess I do now. 

“That’s right,” I said when he clapped, not like he can understand but still. I said it, and I clapped again, and he clapped back. “Can you give me your head? I’ll take your muzzle off, yeah? If you don’t bite.”

Dumbest fucking idea ever, but hey. 

I think maybe he knows the word muzzle, because he whistled and shrunk down again, lowering his hands. His ear flaps flattened again. I saw the deep red marks around his neck, from how we have to use the catch-pole to get him out, and I just. I just felt like shit, you know?

I’m shit, that’s what I am, we’re torturing a child, more or less, who hasn’t done a thing to anyone but be by himself because he lost his bloody fucking family. I can’t keep telling myself I’m not the bad guy, you know? 

I’m going to jail if I report him, aren’t I? I helped bring him in, after all. There’s my whole career down the drain.

Is this how it felt when everyone was being shit to monkeys in the 70′s and calling it psychology? Did some of them just go along with it because they thought they had to?

This is not helpful, Bahram.

I sat down at my desk and tried to figure it out. His eyes were on me the whole time. I looked over at Miah’s candle, and looked at the label. Like I said, ocean scene. Fronds and ferns and…

I turned the label to face the mer, and tapped on the image with my finger. “Fish,” I said, feeling dumb as hell. I told myself, it’s a bloody animal, Dr. L would roll around laughing at you for this.

But he came back up out of the water. There was a long moment, and I heard him click, and then a soft, “Sssshhhhhh,” sound came from behind his muzzle. They have lips like ours, although their way of communicating is basically whalesong and relies heavily on underwater acoustics. He’s louder in the tank than out of it, although I guess fear might make him quiet, too.

The recordings I found on youtube they get in the ocean are deafening loud. Their voices travel so well underwater, it’s amazing. People sell fucking CDs with mersong over piano to fall asleep to. 

I poked at the ocean scene on the label again. “Fish,” I said firmly. “Do you want fish?”

He knows fish. 

I KNOW he knows fish because he sat up, held out his right arm, and tapped his elbow with a blunt-edged, broken-off claw before he looked back at me, trembling with fear. He clicked again, twice.

I can’t even tell you how shit I feel, realizing he was asking if I was going to take his blood first. That’s what he meant, it has to be. He poked at the exact spot where he’s bruised up from the needle. 

But it makes sense, right? 

He’s been here twenty days, more or less. Every couple of days, when he’s hungry enough, we bribe him with fish to get the pole on him, take blood or whatever else, and then he eats. 

No, WE don’t take his blood. I take his blood.

He thinks - and he’s fucking thinking, I know he is - that he only eats if we stick a needle in him.

I’m hurting a child.

I’m teaching a child to be hurt.

I’m not religious but this feels like the sort of thing you ask for forgiveness for, doesn’t it? I should call Maman and ask her who I could talk to. I’m going to call Maman or Baba tomorrow.

No I’m not.

What would I tell them I need to speak to someone about?

What if whoever I speak to calls and reports him, and Dr. L knows it was because of me?

I need to stop thinking about this. 

“No, NOT draw blood,” I said, and he whimpered again, held out his arm further, closer to me, tapped his elbow again. I knew he could still hurt me - their strength is prodigious, the first time we got him out of the tank he nearly pulled Dr. L down into the water with him - but I decided it was worth the risk. 

I kept thinking, he’s more scared of me than I am of him, but you know, of course he is. He’s the one with bruises.

I stretched my own arm out and showed it to him. He flinched back a little, and then leaned forward again, sitting in the little rolling tank that’s barely big enough to hold him. His blunt claws touched my arm, delicate as a feather, clicking as he poked at the sleeve of my sweater. 

“No draw blood,” I said. “Just fish. Eat.” I mimed chewing.

He looked at me and clicked twice, cocking his head, then looked at my candle from Miah, pointing at the ocean scene. “Ffff-sshhhh,” he said, muffled. 

“No, that’s a candle, it just has fish painted on it. Candle. Fire. Yes?”

Blank stare. 

Then, repeated, “Ffff-sssshhh.”

I sighed and pulled out my little lighter. I don’t smoke or anything, but I hate the way matches smell, so I have a lighter on me basically all the time. Plus, having lighters was a pretty good way to make friends back in undergrad when I gave a fuck about that. 

I flicked on the lighter, and the mer chirped, curiously. 

Has it never seen fire before?

Why would it, it lives in the ocean. Don’t be a dumbshit, Bahram.

“Fire,” I said, and held it out a little for a closer look. “Fire.” I tilted it and lit the candle, and the mer leaned forward, rapt, as the wick sparked up to flame and I blew the smaller flame on the lighter out. 

“FFfffff,” The mer said, barely audible. It clicked and held out its hand, and I wasn’t fast enough.

“No, wait stop-”

The mer’s fingertips touched the flame and it let out a deafening loud cry of pain and jerked its hand back down into the water, whimpering at the new kind of hurt, looking at me like it was MY fault, and maybe it was. Eyebrows furrowed, little crease in its forehead, big sad eyes. 

The big sad eyes are wrecking me.

“Well, don’t touch fire and you won’t burn,” I said, shaking my head. “No touch fire. Fire bad. Fire burn.”

He held out his hand to show me. “Ffff-rrrrr.” It was a plaintive little breath of air, not quite a real sound. 

The ends of two fingers were a little dark, that’s all. I could explain that by saying he’d hurt himself in the tank, maybe. I shook my head and pointed at the water, and it put its hand back in there, huffing a little breath of relief, I think. The water probably helped with the sting. 

“Right. Fire bad. No fire.”

“Ffff-rrr... buh-ddd.” 

“Right. Fire bad.” I stood up and walked over behind him, and he tried to turn and watch me but I shook my head and pointed back at the candle and he sort of huffed again and looked away. I felt him tense when my fingers touched the back of his head, but he sat still.

Probably because if he struggles when she goes to take the muzzle off or gets her fingers near his mouth, Dr. L has this electricity stick thing… 

I’m not supposed to mention that in the transcripts.

I’m not supposed to mention how he screams, and he doesn’t sound like a whale or an otter, then. He doesn’t sound like an animal.

He sounds like a child.

He IS a child

He’s just

I’m a fucking

No. I need to focus. This is stuff I can’t tell Dr. L, I need to write it down here where it’s safe.

The muzzle is easy to get off, you just need to be looking right at it, and I unbuckled and pulled it free, feeling a little resistance from how well it stuck to his face. Without it on, there are deep red lines along his cheeks and jaw, not open or bleeding, just irritated. 

He didn't grab at me, or bite. Just watched me with his big eyes as I laid it down on my desk. For a second we were both just quiet, looking at each other. 

Then he pointed at the candle again. “Ffff-sssshh.”

“No,” I said. “Candle. Fire.”

The mer’s eyebrows furrowed and he shook his head, echoing what I did earlier. His hair slapped around. His teeth look like shark’s teeth up close, only there’s a lot less of them. “Nnnn-nnnuh,” He tried, shaking his head again.” Nnn-uh. Ffff-sssshhh.” Then he pointed at his mouth, opening wide, showing me the tongue behind his teeth. “Fffff-sssshhh. Ffff-ssshhh.”

I laughed, covering my mouth - he seems to be scared when we show too much teeth, probably in the ocean it’s a threat and they don’t smile like we do. Which, why would they? 

But, see, I realized that he wasn’t pointing at the candle at all, but at the fish painted on it. Then he moved to look at the bucket of fish he gets as a reward for obedience, and pointed at that, then looked back at me to see if I was paying attention.

Of course I was. I was barely fucking breathing. This is signs of abstract thought process, recognizing that the image of a thing isn’t the thing itself. That he can point at it to represent what he wants. “You want fish? Is that it? You’re hungry? Want to eat some fish?”

The mer blinked and made a sound like a chirp, clapped his hands together. “Rrrrr. Fff-sssshhh.” He pointed at his mouth again. “Ffff-ssshhh. Buh-rrrrmm. Ffffsshh.”

“What did you say?” I whispered. My heart went cold. I can’t describe it any other way.

“Buh-rrrrmmmm. Ffff-sssshh, Buh-rrrmm.”

The bloody thing knows my fucking name. 

He knows we have names and he knows mine and that means-... that means he has one, doesn’t it? If he has a name, if he has

I’m his fucking nightmare aren’t I 

I’m the worst fucking thing that could happen to him, me and Miah and Dr. L and Anders and this is a job but it’s the worst thing that’s happened to him and it’s only

It’s going to get worse for him.

He’s going to die here and he’ll know all our names when he does.

Anyway, so... you know... I brought him a bucket of fish.

What else was I supposed to do? 

He knows my name!

He let me put the muzzle on him again without fighting after he finished, and I got him back in the tank once the water was refreshed, and he’s sleeping off his meal now. I can see him on the feed, curled up inside the cave.

But I’m wide awake, so I thought I’d write this, because…

Because what the hell do I do now?

I can’t tell Miah.

Can I?

 ---

@astrobly @burtlederp @finder-of-rings @slaintetowhump @moose-teeth @misspelledwitch @whumpfigure @whumptywhumpdump @boxboysandotherwhump @whumpywhumper

[dragonswithjetpacks]

I’m going to say this one time about Cullen and that’s it. And my opinion will be out there and done. This is not a negative post. But this is a long post so buckle up babes.

*warning for use of language because I swear like a sailor*

*also brief mention of rape*

Anyway, Cullen is a perfect example of poor planning in the gaming industry.

He is also a perfect example of fans thirsting so hard and wanting something so bad that the writers and developers change a character and even game elements to suite their needs. They didn’t even give him a book or a comic for redemption. You know what they did instead? They switched writers. Cullen has three writers. All of them with a different character in mind.

Cullen was a fucked up mess in Origins. He was meant to be creepy and sociopathic. I get that. The writer who basically created him had no idea he was even going to be not only a reoccurring character, but one that was going to be romance able in future games. She even apologized. Which wasn’t necessary. And so many people who played the game missed a big point about Cullen. He was never supposed to recover from Origins.

“The young templar Cullen never quite recovered from his ordeal. After months of attempting to convince his superiors that the tower was still a danger, he finally snapped and killed three apprentices before being stopped by his fellow templars. Eventually, Cullen escaped from prison, a madman and a threat to any mage he encountered.”

“Once the tower was rebuilt, Knight-Commander Greagoir stepped down from his post and retired to a life of private contemplation as a brother in the Chantry. His health failed over time, and after refusing treatment, he perished in his sleep. Knight-Commander Cullen was said to be more strict and less trusting of the mages even than Greagoir was. He ruled the Circle with fear.”

I’m sorry. But yeah. That’s the epilogue on two different choices involving the Circle’s fate in Origins. And it was ignored. I agree with that, too. But it wasn’t just Cullen that was ignored. It was the entire Circle at Kinloch Hold. If the mage warden sacrifices their own life, the Circle is supposedly free. Which... is not mentioned... ever again. And not to mention is impossible? Like okay thanks Anora or whoever but I don’t think you can just do that.

Poor writing.

I’d also like to mention for the record I did not like Cullen in Origins. I still don’t.

Now, I don’t know why exactly Cullen was brought back in DA2? I know his writer got bullied out of Bioware. I do not have an opinion on that. I mean the woman co-wrote my favorite part of Origins (Anvil of the Void). She also wrote Anders. Which I don’t think is a coincidence. People, men and women, often have this idea of fixing a broken person. It’s heavily romanticized. It’s called codependency. And you see it a lot in romance novels. But that’s another topic. It seems this writer implemented that in the game (along with some of her own personal things she had) without fully knowing Cullen would even be a romantic interest in Inquisition, but also still wanting to give him some sort reason to be desired. And all the while knowing Anders was fully romanceable. Even... a little forcefully... romanceable... if I may add... (I am uncomfortable) I also dislike some of Anders’ writing but that’s another post and I don’t want to compare the two. But Anders was the opposite side of Cullen that was done better because they had time to write it.

Regardless, Cullen seemed to hold some resemblance to his former character. But we do see a lot hesitance with him. He’s basically that “good” cop that doesn’t do anything when the bad cop is beating the shit out of everyone. Still not good, hence the quotes. Not a good guy. He has his meh he’s alright moments. And seems to generally disregard Hawke in every single way. But he’s still an ass hole for letting things happen the way that they did when he could very much so have put a stop to it. Maybe it was the writers’ intention to make it that way to show he was still suffering from trauma in Origins.

Again. Poor writing. BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW. DIDN’T HE KILL THREE PEOPLE, BIOWARE? ISN’T HE SUPPOSED TO BE KNIGHT COMMANDER IN FERELDEN, B I O W A R E??? WHAT. HAPPENED. BIOWARE.

So here’s the next thing. They decided to slip him into Inquisition for whatever reason. His writing was fair enough in DA2. Could have been better. But these people are still thirsty. They want some Curly. At the last minute, they throw romance on him. Not a bad idea. But are we supposed to forget the man was basically raped by desire demons? Is he even ok to have a relationship? OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT. We didn’t closure on that because they ignored it.

Anyway, Cullen in Inquisition seems to be different. But because they couldn’t just, oh I don’t know, write a different character with the same traits but better, they had to somehow put the events of the previous games and how it affected him into this new current game where he supposed to be... better? Ish? Which is where we get the stereo type soldier with PTSD and a substance abuse problem. Now, if you’re any good with imagining and writing fanfic, then you probably know or already have figured out a way to connect everything better than Bioware could. But hey. Last minute romance written in on a character who was already all over the charts? Count me in. I like a good writing challenge. Poor girl who took the job of writing Inquisition Cullen likes a challenge too, apparently. Because it was her first big project. And she didn’t do a bad job. But imagine working hard on trying to write a character half the fandom hates into someone somewhat likeable just for everyone to shit all over it.

The way I look at it.... we have three different characters. And he is not really a good example to look at analyze wise. He is inconsistent. And was molded for Inquisition for thirsty fan girls. And some boys (I see you). A good example for study would be Morrigan. Or even Alistair. And Alistair is in several of the comics and still remains pretty consistent. Leliana is a prime example of character development over a course of three games. And I highly recommend you fall in love with her good and bad side because she is written beautifully. Don’t @ me.

Cullen, and I mean Inquisition Cullen, has a lot to like. And a lot to dislike. Every character is flawed. I think a lot of hate that gets tagged onto Cullen is really from poor writing. They really got lazy with him. And it is a shame. I feel like he could have been redeemed way better. He could have had one hell of a redemption. Or possibly just skipped over all together. I see a lot of posts about putting Samson in his place and I often agree. It was never quite the character that made him appealing to me. It was the personality. And they could have easily done with anyone. They could have made Samson sexy, too. It didn’t have to be sexy Cullen. And let’s face it. With Cullen’s writing in Origins and even some of the writing in DA2, Cullen siding with Coryphedouche is way more fitting than Samson.

Basically, it is up to us to fill in the gaps. So I love seeing fanfic with Cullen backstory. Because it gives better insight than what the writers could accomplish. And I applaud you if you’ve done that. BUT the over sexualization of this character is a bit... wrong. It feels wrong. And that’s all I’ll say to that. Personally, I’ve been working on some Cullen romance fic for awhile and it’s been challenging trying to find a way to make him less douchey. One minute, he’s yelling at you about mages. And the next, he’s got this soft tone and nervous look. Like, yeah... you can tell it’s rushed. And awful. And even the dialogue is just... painful. It doesn’t fit. (you can check my Cullen tag in blog to see how I feel about that). I will say that even speaking to him on a personal note, asking him questions about life as a templar, he even says he does not agree with the Order. And he wants to change his thinking. But he still gets angry when you go to side with the mages. It feels like they wanted redeem him but they also needed someone to side with the templars to provide conflict at the war table.

So in my opinion, calling him controlling and abusive is a bit of a stretch. He was clearly used by the writers. It just seems ridiculous to put so much effort in bashing the character when clearly... he was not planned out... or put together... I just... I don’t get...

I know what you’re thinking at this point: Kay.... why do you like him then?

Beacause. I am weak for a man who gets nervous around girls he likes. His awkward mannerisms despite being a man of power makes me weak. The need to protect also makes me weak. But also the ability to admit vulnerability makes me suuuuuper weak. So like I said. There was a lot there. It just was not delivered correctly. You know what I would have done? If I had to put him in the Commander shoes, I would have made the whole Kirkwall thing a life changer for him. Maybe even give him a soul searching type situation before joining the Inquisition. And definitely tell him to keep his mouth shut about siding with the templars.

Long story short: Ya’ll thirsted over a weird dude in Origins and Bioware went hmmmm okay. But by the time they gave him to you on a silver plate, it was last minute. Like you just found out your crush Jared is going to Becky’s party but you’re already at Jessica’s house and have like nothing to wear so you have to just wing it. And your shoes look tacky, but Jessica’s shoes don’t fit. So you either have to wear shoes that don’t fit or just look like omg total garbage. And Bioware went with the shoes that don’t fit. And Jared totally likes them.

I’m also going to say the most controversial thing on this entire post by just... saying... by calling Cullen out as trash without realizing the writing, the directive, the lack of development, the rush on this character, and the complete absolute bullying this community does to it’s FANS AND WRITERS kind of feels like you didn’t really put any effort into understanding why and just jumped on a band wagon. And the fact that some of you make other people feel bad for liking this character is awful. Some of the most toxic shit I’ve seen. Like maybe they like this character from Inquisition because, I don’t know, maaaaaaybe he was written out almost like a new character with a last minute fantasy romance.. because he kind of was...

Now for my opinion on Greg Ellis.

FUCK THAT GUY.

And that’s it. Thanks for stopping by. If you agree cool, if not cool. I’m not here to argue with anyone or say your opinion is invalid. We all have reasons why we hate or love the color blue. So we can all disagree or agree and live in peace and still love a game.

You can always message me, too, guys. I have a lot of opinions. And reasons for my opinions. And theories. And just things in general. But I will not hate characters written in Dragon Age. Someone wrote them. Someone is out there working their ass off to deliver a character. And I refuse to hate someone fictional.

[afaimscorner]

Bellamy Blake Story-Arc in Season 7

So, now it’s time to look at this narrative mess, I guess. Which actually, if you look closer, isn’t such a great mess at all. The problem is that the ending of 7x13 was rewritten - this is not the point where Bellamy’s Arc was originally supposed to end, which is very obvious, when you look closer. However they decided to bump him off in order to elevate Clarke (who actually was Character Assassinated in 7x13 and whom I don’t care for anymore right now. As far as I am concerned she is a lunatic who should be put down rather sooner then later, so ... yeah, good job, you succeeded in making your audience hate your Lead, dear 100 Writer’s Room), because appearently a show is only allowed to have one Main Character and everyone else is just spare.

But back to Bellamy.

The thing is Season 7 wasn’t really about getting Octativa back, it was about getting Bellamy back thanks to his unforseen abduction in 7x01 and the fact that we got Octavia back by 7x02. Which is why 7x13 is so frustrating, it just killed of the main story arc of the season - quite literally.

Now, the Bellamy Arc we got in the last three episodes and the couple of scenes we had with him in the other three eps or so was in was actually pretty interesting. Mainly because it was obviously leading somewhere, however we never got to see where.

But it is pretty obvious. It is all about the Vision Bellamy had on Etherea, the Vision that was a shared vision, Cadogan was in it, and obviously could remember after. Remember when Bellamy told Clarke he couldn’t lie to Cadogan? It was pretty strongly implied he meant that literally. Because Cadogan was somehow in his head thanks to the shared vision and would know if he lied. This connection obviously went both ways because Bellamy seemed to know thinks he was not told On-Screen. Now of course Cadogan could have just told him all this stuff Off-Screen, but this is not the impression I got. Bellamy was acting very self concsious around Cadogan in those  to episodes, always catching himself when he was acting normal (like in the scene with Emori) as soon as he was looking at Cadogan. Which could just be “holy cult leader” stuff of course, but it clearly wasn’t. He was submissive in a way no one else was, almost seemed to be afraid of Cadogan, always appeasing him, and at the same time he is  the one that pointed out the flaw in the Disciples logic to Ducette just an episode before.

It is also strange that Bellamy seems to exist outside the ranks of the Disciples. Everyone else, who was recruted, had to ungerdo training, achieve Levels, get numbers painted in their face - Bellamy was just in the minute he stepped foot on Bardo again, because he took a Leap of Faith, but how would anyone know if he wasn’t just faking it? Cadogan was the one, who declared him his honored side-kick, and Co-Messiah if you will, mainly because he was on Etherea and went through the Pilgrimage. But so did Ducette. Now Bellamy is the one who had the Vision and whose prayer did make the storm go away, which means he was touched by .... the Transcendents (I don’t know what they are called yet), which means he is higher up in the ranks of the Disciples than Ducette, howvever it was Ducette who became the new First Disciple, not Bellamy. But what did Bellamy became then? The Second Shepherd? Appearantly. But again: Why? Cadogan wouldn’t trust him, if he wouldn’t have a very good reason to.

So assuming the reason is that he was touched by the Transcendents, this is the reason why Bellamy is suddenly Number Two on Bardo. And maybe he always was supposed to.

Now, I never understood why Bellamy was kidnapped in the first place in 7x01. It could not have been to have leverage against Octavia, not really, because they already had her, and had leverage against her anyways, it could not have been to draw out Clarke, because ... honestly why did the just not kidnap Clarke in the first place, when they wanted Clarke? They ordered this as soon as the found out Clarke had the Key, but Bellamy was abducted sooner, so we are back to the leverage against Octavia theory, which makes no real sense given that they had Diyoza and a machine which could go into Octavia ‘s mind. I thinkt that is what they claimed the reason to be a some point, but as soon as Bellamy showed up, Anders said the did not actually need him. And he claimed to send him back to Sanctum, but did send him to Etherea instead. Why?

I think because Cadogan had always known Bellamy would come to Bardo and eventually become his Co-Shepherd. He knew since he had his own Vision on Etherea all those time ago. That is why there was a Standing Order to get Bellamy Blake as soon as someone with pictures of him in his mind would show up on Bardo. This happend when Levitt saw Bellamy in Octavia’s mind, therefore a team was send out to fetch him, and therefore Anders send him to Etherea because that also was a Standing Order or maybe Cadogan actually told him that flat out when he woke him.

So yeah, Bellamy is special because he has a connection to the Transcendents.

But that does not mean, he was really on Cadogan’s Side. Yes, he sincerly wanted to end all wars and knew the test was coming and was calling it the last war, however I think he actually understood it wasn’t an actual war but a war against oneself and one’s better nature.

Now, for some reason everyone assumed Bellamy was not undercover but had really joined the Cult. I am not sure why because this is exactly what Echo, Octavia and Gabriel themselves did: They pretended to join, even went as far as to betray their friends to proof their loyalty and played that charade for months. Bellamy was on Bardo for a much shorter period of time.

For some reason everyone always wanted him to say out loud he was only pretending. Again I am not sure why, because we know there a cameras and I never got why those don’t record sound, but after what Echo and Hope pulled, I sure as hell would record what my hostages are saying at this point. Also they own a mind reading device, so yeah, even if Cadogan weren’t in Bellamy’s mind, I would not go around and admit that everything is an act out loud if I were Bellamy.

Moving on to the bad things Bellamy did, which made him deseve death in Clarke’s Eyes: Well he did not do anything. He told Cadogan Clarke did not have the Flame, which would have come out eventually anyways, because that bluff had been stupid from the first moment on, and Cadogan might have even known at that point already, beause as you might recall Niylah did slip up and more or less told him Callie was the First Flamekeeper after Clarke had claimed she was a Heda, since then Cadogan was suspicious and might have shared this suspicion with Bellamy just before he presented him to his friends at the end of Etherea. The next thing was that Bellamy picked who to mind scan, which again would have happened anyway, since no one was cooperating any more. All Bellamy did was point at the persons who could know where the Flame was so that not all of his friends would get mind scanned but only two. And finally the reason Clarke murderd him: A fucking Book of Drawings, he had not even given to Cadogan at this point. Clarke did it to keep Madi safe, but who says Bellamy would have told Cadogan who made the drawings or that he would have let them mind scan Madi? He told Clarke and the others several times to trust him, and they decided just not to. Why? Mainly because he did not storm Bardo gunblazing but used his head instead of his heart to save everyone, just like Clarke told him to at the end of Season 5.

His last words were also: “This is how we do better” just like Kane:s were. Not killing and maiming anymore is how we do better - same message.

What’s more: Why the hell did Clarke assume she could keep Madi a secret from the Disciples anyway? And why did she not just shoot all the Disciples like she threatend to, took Bellamy hostage and with her through the Anamoaly or took the drawings instead? She already had Madi, she could have just kept her daughter save at her side, no matter what Bellamy might do with the drawings.

And of course: Why would she need to kill him? The threat was the book with the drawings, not Bellamy. She is a much better shot than that: Arms, Legs, fucking stomage, which is bad but not necessary deadly - she could have shot Bellamy, but did not need to kill him.

He was no threat to her or Madi at this point. The whole scene would have worked if Bellamy would have done anything bad before or during the scene, but like I said he did not! He was not holding a gun to Madi’s head, he was holding a book with drawings!

Also: Shedheda, Madi, Cadogan and Bellamy all seemed to know something important about the Anomaly/the Transcendents - and three out of four more or less worked together because of this. Knowing what those Aliens can do, maybe it would not be such a bad idea to listen to them? For Humanity’s Sake?

So overall: Bellamy was on principle right in those episodes, while his methodes might have been wrong and working with Cadogan might have been too, but I am not so sure that was what he was really doing. Maybe the overall Arc was going towards Bellamy replacing Cadogan as the Shepherd to get the Disciples on their side. Ducette certainly would have gotten along with this. (By the way: Why did Ducette have Night Blood? This was the most confusing thing about that horrible 7x13 ending scene to me, because I could make no sense out of it. The Disciples are the Second Dawn Spawns and therefore those without Night Blood, are they not?) Maybe the two even started planing that on Etherea.

It certainly would make sense with the theme of the season and Murphy’s and Emori’s and Shedheda’s Storyline about pretending to be a god. Why should Bellamy not pretend to be a Messiah, especially given that he actually is one by the definition of this Cult?

Whatever, I guess we will never know, because the writer’s decided they needed Clarke to go insane. Maybe it’s because they wanted her to do something unforgivebale and this it why they staged the whole moment that stupid, but at this point it just makes no sense.

Overall I also have to say that I am starting to find it worrying that as the season progresses the Disciples seem to become the ones that are actually right, and Clarke and the others are the monsters here. I mean of course the whole Final War, No Family, and No Individual Love is nonsense, but somehow the other are the ones who are doing the real horrible things here - killing of people for no good reason, planning mass murder out of revenge etc. It’s probably on purpose (by the writers), but everyone had come so far before, and now Nikki is the one who acts more sensible than Clarke by sparing Raven’s life, while Clarke murders Bellamy without good reason? Something has gone very wrong in the Writer’s Room in this season.

[thesportssoundoff]

“Do I need to even?” UFC 229 Preview

Joey

September 30th

Oh boy oh boy. We've somehow someway made it here and I feel like we deserve some credit here. If you've survived 90% of 2018 then you've earned this one. If you survived UFC 228, UFC 224, the messy FS1 cards ravaged by injury and waking up early for Asian FP cards? You've earned this one. We've got a very solid card with matching lightweight fights of the highest quality. The co-main event pits Anthony Pettis vs the returning Tony Ferguson in one of the best LW fights you could put together for action quality while the main event is the best fight. Period. Conor McGregor is truly underrated at this point in his career; a dominant fighter who has one blemish on his record which he avenged. He is a genuine two weight class champion (lack of defenses be damned) with wins over the likes of Chad Mendes, Jose Aldo, Max Holloway, Eddie Alvarez and Dustin Poirier. Khabib Nurmagomedov's resume speaks for itself; undefeated in the UFC expanding beyond six years now with wins over some really good competition in Michael Johnson, Al Iaquinta and Edson Barboza. It's the striker vs grappler match up and the man with the one hitter quitter vs an endless torrent of takedowns and ground and pound. There's very few fights ever I'm as excited about as this one.  Those two fights on their own? Pretty good. The rest of the card? Pretty decent actually! The UFC absolutely took perhaps a step too many in loading up this show. Being honest, the sixth best fight on this card (Michelle Waterson vs Felice Herrig) could've headlined the Moncton FS1 show. Let's just have a damn good time here and enjoy THIS one for once.

Debuts:  Jalin Turner

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 0

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 13 (Conor McGregor, Tony Ferguson, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Anthony Pettis, Felice Herrig, Michelle Waterson, Ovince St. Preux, Alexander Volkov, Gray Maynard, Derrick Lewis,  Sergio Pettis, Yana Kunitskaya, Ryan LaFlare)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC:

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: (Conor McGregor, Tony Ferguson, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Derrick Lewis, Sean O'Malley, Alexander Volkov, Vicente Luque, Jussier Formiga, Jose Quinonez, Scott Holtzman, Alan Patrick)

Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2016 (in the UFC):  37-13

Conor McGregor- 2-1 Khabib Nurmagomedov- 4-0 Tony Ferguson- 3-0 Anthony Pettis- 3-4 Ovince St. Preux- 5-4 Dominick Reyes- 3-0 Derrick Lewis- 7-1 (!) Alexander Volkov- 4-0 Michelle Waterson- 2-2 Felice Herrig- 4-1

Divisional Breakdown:

Lightweight- 4 Women's bantamweight- 2 Welterweight- 2 Bantamweight- 1 (?) Women's strawweight- 1 Flyweight- 1 Heavyweight-1 Light Heavyweight- 1

Too Low- Vicente Luque vs Jalin Turner

Most of this card is honestly fine and I get why Michelle Waterson is on the main card. Having said that, I think that fight is a bit too....blegh (on paper) for a show like this. I'd use Waterson vs Herrig to try and draw some eyeballs to this FS1 slate and instead push a guaranteed burner in Turner vs Luque. Vicente Luque has finished every one of his wins and he's taken decision losses vs stalling wrestler types. At the same time, Jalin Turner had some of the freakiest striking chops on the second DWTCS run. This should be a superb striking battle.

Too High Up- Aspen Ladd vs Tanya Evinger

Ehhh......I don't know if this is going to be a fight worthy of having on FS1. Ladd still seems really raw and we haven't seen Evinger in over a year in a lopsided loss vs Cyborg. This is Fight Pass quality. Waterson vs Herrig on the PPV isn't great shakes BUT both have fan bases that will probably-ish tune in. Probably. Not that this card should NEED any of that.

Stat Monitor for 2018:

Debuting Fighters (Current number: 27-32-1):  Jalin Turner

Short Notice Fighters (Current number: 26-19):  

Second Fight (Current number: 34-27): Aspen Ladd, Tonya Evinger, Yanit Kunitskaya

Cage Corrosion (Current number: 19-28):  Conor McGregor, Gray Maynard, Tonya Evinger (If this show happens a day later, Tony Ferguson)

Undefeated Fighters (Current number: 26-21-1): Khabib Nurmagomedov Aspen Ladd, Dominick Reyes

Keeping An Eye On But Not Really:

The UFC Win Check Test The records of fighters who have 4 or more UFC fights (or three full calendar years in the organization) but 0 wins against people still in the UFC:  

Twenty Precarious Ponderings

(We're doing TWENTY for a show like this, y'all. In truth, I just wanted to talk more and more about Khabib and Conor)

1- I just don't have enough time or energy to detail ALL of the intricacies of this lightweight title fight. The simplistic view is "wrestler vs striker" but that belittles the things both guys do so so so so well that in turn makes them special. Has Khabib Nurmagomedov ever faced a guy with Conor's length and timing? Even if we acknowledge that Conor McGregor is basically a one armed fighter (Conor's left hand is the best singular weapon in MMA), he has not just insane timing on it but the ability to throw it whenever he wants. One of the concepts of baseball is that "He throws hard!" eventually isn't enough and you need something off-speed to shake it off. Conor's different in that he can probably throw his left from any angle with any sort of heat and any sort of pacing offset by his kicks and his jab. Conversely Khabib "as a wrestler" is just a really unfair attempt to simplify a very good all around fighter. His control is A+, he threatens with submissions enough to keep fighters honest on the ground and he has a tremendous understanding of chaining attempts together with different techniques. How often do you see Khabib Nurmagomedov get stuck (look at Eryk Anders vs Thiago Santos) or forced to make a bad shot (look at some of Josh Koscheck's prime for desperation TDs)? On the feet, Khabib doesn't have a wealth of weaponry but he has a good jab and dude just seems to hit hard.

2- One of the things AntiCool speaks of so much that I truly believe in is fighters being unwilling to concede a single measure in fights where they need to pull off the upset. He uses Alexander Gustafsson vs Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier as good examples of a fighter who doesn't give up any avenue of the fight where they felt they couldn't win. The reason I bring this up is because I genuinely believe Conor McGregor is ballsy enough to believe he can absolutely if he has to compete with Khabib on the ground. I bet he believes that even if it's not the gameplan.

3- Jose Aldo and Khabib have some similarities in their dominance. Both were so neutralizing that they completely shut down fighters at the base of their respective games and forced them to adapt, often times doing that while basically sleepwalking through fights. That said, they also are similar in their relative levels of inactivity heading into the Conor fights. Conor McGregor and Khabib fought on the same card in 2016 and since that point? Khabib's fought just twice. Not exactly blazing a track of activity probably compounded by Khabib taking time off for Ramadan. Also both Aldo and Khabib were known as cold calculated fighters who were surgical but never emotional. That changed vs McGregor for Aldo----soooo is Khabib going to come out emotional?

4- What are the odds of a double retirement after this fight?

5- Does this PPV find a way to crack the 2 million buy mark?

6- One of the weirder thing is how assured we are of Khabib's dominance while also acknowledging how so-so his resume is overall. We've seen Conor's resume at 145 lbs and while his resume at 155 lbs is thin, it IS worth noting that he dominated Eddie Alvarez in his one foray there. Conversely Khabib's resume is really just two guys unless you take a ton out of the Al Iaquinta fight (it didn't show me anything about him from a skills POV but it showed me everything I need to know about his mental toughness as an athlete). There's a lot more we need to know about Khabib than there is to figure out about Conor.

7- Tony Ferguson is one of my favorite fighters and in a lot of ways, the El Cucuy stuff writes itself. Tony Ferguson (like Yoel Romero and the Diaz Brothers) has this unique borderline inhuman ability to outweird the world's weirdest spot. He lives the weirdest life, chases the weirdest thrills and could only exist in a sport like this one. Ferguson's 2017 was a mess; a complete collapse of a fight with Khabib, an eventual interim title win vs Kevin Lee leading to a 2018 where a blown out knee seemed set to rob him of his 2018. Because he's Tony Ferguson, he's out here fighting Anthony Pettis in October. Whether Ferguson can still do the things that made him special (be funky, awkward, outhustle dudes in key positions, challenge with submissions from any situation, throw a variety of kicks from any situation) after a bad knee injury and another year on the wrong side of 30 remains to be seen. I'm left to hope so since a winning Tony Ferguson is a fun Tony Ferguson.

8- Anthony Pettis has been pretty bad for the majority of the last three years but perhaps things are going to turn around now. Pettis' second round win over Michael Chiesa felt like a combination of some of the best of Anthony Pettis (quick counter striking, aggressive and opportunistic grappling) with some of his worst of Anthony Pettis. The road has been rough for Showtime but we're talking about a Tony Ferguson who is coming off a knee surgery and pushing 35. If there was EVER a chance for Anthony Pettis to figure this out, THIS is the guy to do it against.

9- Could Pettis beating Ferguson jump him over the winner of Nate/Poirier?

10- I know some of my fellas on here might disagree with the idea of OSP vs Dominick Reyes but at this point, I'm with it. There's not a long list of guys at 205 lbs who can act as the buffer between "proven to be good" and "ready to be great" so it falls on OSP. Reyes is arguably the most unique prospect at 205 lbs and this is without question an aggressive step up. It is worth pointing out that OSP was losing before he won vs Tyson Pedro and so they might be gambling on a decline. For me, I'm mostly concerned that Reyes is going to be shellshocked by the difference in strength between he and OSP.

11- Speaking of too soon, allow me to present to you Aspen Ladd vs Tonya Evinger!

12- I feel as though a big problem with Michelle Waterson is her inability to handle strength at the POA vs bigger fighters, a natural issue since everyone at 115 lbs is bigger tha her. Not sure why the idea of her vs Felice Herrig seemed appealing to the UFC. I could not think of a WORSE match up for her.

13- Dude let's talk right quick about Anthony Pettis' last ten fights including T-Ferg:

Tony Ferguson Michael Chiesa Dustin Poirier Jim Miller Max Holloway Charles Oliveira Edson Barboza Eddie Alvarez Rafael Dos Anjos Gilbert Melendez

I mean the WORST fighter in that grouping is who? Gil Melendez? I think we could argue Gil is at least average right? Oliveira and Chiesa are solid fighters and Barboza is a great kickboxer at least. Jim Miller?

14- Kudos to Gray Maynard still out here being relevant after being written off as cooked back in 2013. Your fav could never.

15- Even if it's just an exciting throw together brawl? Vicente Luque vs Jalin Turner is going to be exceptionally violent.

16- Is Aspen Ladd our best chance at finding a relevant exciting new 135 lber?

17- Very few divisions ever truly need an interim title---but this Volkov vs Lewis fight COULD have been an interim title fight. Put it this way, DC vs Brock is scheduled tentatively for post February 2019, right? What's the likelihood that the winner of that fight fights again? Brock probably dips out, DC probably retires and so then you're left with....anybody? This card doesn't need a second card BUT if the UFC title picture is in a messy state of being in 2019, we could just go and look back at this fight.

18- Sergio Pettis vs Jussier Formiga was a title contender fight then Cejudo went and ruined everything for them. It's still a fantastic fight at a division that's got some juice in it and I for one am excited to see if Pettis can put together what he did well against a prolific spoiler in Formiga.

19- You can't tell me this is the first time Nik Lentz and Gray Maynard have fought one another. I refuse to buy into such a lie.

20- It's been a long time since we've had a fight like THIS. Not since July of 2017 if you wanna stretch it that far with DC vs Jones II. Enjoy this. These are special moments.

[hufflepuff-ravenclaw-reviews]

Titans Season 1 Episode 1

Those of you who know me, know that I can be pretty obsessive over super heroes while also remaining as a casual fan. I spent a lot of my teenage years watching the original animated Teen Titans series on Cartoon Network. So when I found out that somebody made a live action Teen Titans... obviously I had to check it out.

(Please also let it be known that I went in keeping my expectations low. Can't be disappointed if you were expecting disappointment.)

The first episode starts off with a bit of backstory for all of the characters. However, as you might imagine, we're going along separate routes until all five of them can meet up.

And if you've been following this blog for a while, you're probably well aware of my feelings of split story-lines like this.

So first off is Rachel Roth, or as you're probably more familiar with her as: Raven.

She's just a normal teenage girl, being raised by an insane Christian woman. No, seriously. There was a shot of outside of Rachel's bedroom door, and the door was covered in crosses. There was also a scene in which Rachel wanted to talk about the things that were happening to her, but her mother refused to speak with her, and only just wanted to pray. (Demonic child aside, you wonder why your kid's got issues.)

Rachel has...??? Premonition dreams of what happened to Dick Grayson's parents, but we'll get back to that in a minute. She's also a teenager who's briefly shown to be mildly unpopular and bullied a bit at school. And she's smack-dab in the middle of her teenage gothic years. Relatable.

But, she comes home from school one day only to find le cliched bald-headed man in a suit threatening her mother. He makes Mrs. Roth tell Rachel that she's adopted, but even when she does that, the man still kills her. Rachel uses her powers– seemingly unwittingly– to slam the man up against a wall and escape.

She gets a bus ticket to Detroit, where she goes to a homeless shelter/soup kitchen for something to eat. There, a random lady who presents herself as the soup kitchen worker tries to get Rachel into her already running car. Meanwhile, the thing inside of Rachel (that I will call “Raven” for the time being) tries to warn her to run away. Which... to Rachel, is starting to sound like a better and better idea. She runs off, sees a cop-car driving past, picks up a brick, and chucks it at the car. The officer arrests Rachel... without bothering to ask why she's running and screaming from a seemingly harmless woman. Ugh.

And now, to introduce Dick Grayson, who is probably one of the more famous super heroes of all time. For those of us who've never seen a super hero show in their life, this is the first Robin of Batman and Robin fame.

Unlike Rachel, Dick is older, probably in his mid to late twenties. He's a police detective who's just moved to Detroit from Gotham. And he's one of those hard-edged cops who don't need nobody and he doesn't like to play by the rules.

It was established early on in the episode that he's still holding onto his Robin persona, despite the fact that nobody has seen or heard from him in over a year. He resurfaces in Detroit to kick the ass of some drug dealers, but one in particular who beat up his little girl. (Major kudos for that, good sir.)

However, the police in Detroit aren't exactly happy about getting their own masked vigilante. A lot of this minor sub-plot is told through TV news footage in the background. “Citizens say 'go away' to Robin”, etc.

There's also some sort of underlying thing that at some point, Robin had a falling out with Batman... Hence his being in Michigan rather than Gotham.

When Rachel is brought into the station, the chief asks Dick to go talk to her, asking “don't you have a way with kids?”

Because of Rachel's dreams about The Flying Graysons, Rachel almost instantly knows who he is. She starts talking about how his parents fell to their deaths. Dick just finds it... weird.

Rachel finally tells him that her mother was killed in front of her, which earns her some sympathy points. However, it's obviously some distance between the two cities, so Dick makes a call to the city where Rachel is from to have somebody swing by the Roth house and check things out.

When the officer gets back to Dick about finding Mrs. Roth murdered, he goes back to get her... Only to find that she's not in the questioning room. He tries to leave the building just in time to see an “officer” driving away with a drugged Rachel in the back of his police car.

When Rachel comes to, she finds that she's been strapped to a chair by Mr. Creepy Baldo. He starts saying a lot of... weird stuff. Like how about she's a doorway and so on. Now, as a Teen Titans fan, I remember Raven's show down with her demonic father. But to Rachel Roth, a teenager who just watched her mother get murdered and who doesn't understand the first thing about her powers? This guy is insane and he's probably going to kill her. He starts doing some sort of bizarre ritual including stabbing a heart he had sitting in a bowl. Cause that seems normal.

Dick (as police officer Dick, not Robin) manages to track the police car that took Rachel, which was a shit move on part of those kidnappers. He takes out the corrupt officer, before he hears Rachel screaming upstairs. However, Baldo stuffs a rag into Rachel's mouth, but her Raven powers kick into gear. She slams the door shut just as Dick runs up to it. She then...??? Possesses Baldo, and then there's a creepy-cool cloud of locusts that burst from his mouth. He keels over dead, and the door opens back up. Dick runs into the room, and sees 1) man lying in a pool of blood, clearly very dead 2) a poor teenage girl who's handcuffed to a chair, several feet away from the dead body.

After he frees her, he takes her down to his car, and promises to take her someplace safe.

And now, for something completely different: Kori Anders, aka Starfire.

Now for the record, I'd like to say that Starfire is currently black. And I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is that she looks like a trashy hooker with a bad weave.

She wakes up in the front passenger's side of a car that has skidded off the road, seemingly after somebody shot at the car. The driver is dead, although it's unclear if he was shot or if the crash killed him. Kori seems dazed and confused... but runs off when some people in a car some up and start shooting at her.

After regathering herself in a bathroom, she eventually finds her way to her hotel room. There, she finds a man tied up in the closet. Kori seems overly confused about literally everything, and tries to ask him for answers. The main one is “who is the man in this photo” on her phone. This results in a fight, in which Kori discovers that she has some sort of inhuman strength. She ends up killing the man, and not on accident.

She ends up at some sort of nightclub, where she goes into the office and talks with the owner. He seems like the kind of guy who keeps the nightclub as a front for drugs and sex trafficking. Kori says that his two “muscle” tried to gun her down. The man responds by shooting at Kori... But then Kori uses her star-fire. Now, in the animated series, her power wasn't exactly not-dangerous, but at the same time, it might be considered kind of...??? Cute? This is not cute. This is a literal fireball that completely incinerated the three men and half of the office IN SECONDS.

And yet somehow, managed to avoid destroying a school photo of Rachel Roth. Kori doesn't know what's going on, but she seems interested in getting to the bottom of everything.

Finally, the last few minutes of the first episode are dedicated to Beastboy breaking into an electronic store to steal some video games. Except... as a tiger. Much to the horror of the insanely disturbed night security guard.

Overall, I enjoyed the first episode, and I'll eagerly go into the second. But at this point, I could see the show easily swinging in either direction of being a hot mess like a lot of main DC stuff is now, or just being really awesome.

[andersonsallpurpose]

Swedish Vice (is there such a thing? apparently) visit the Archives for the Unexplained (AFU) in Norrköping, Sweden, and their collection of UFO reports from all over the world. I’ve probably mentioned them before because I think the idea is pretty cool, even though I’m not particularly into UFOs. The article is in Swedish, but I took the liberty of editing the google translate version a bit (a lot) into something resembling actual English. If you are the copyright holder and disapprove, please don’t sue, I’m super broke. Under a cut because long:

We visited the world's largest UFO archive

by Benjamin Wirström and Ingrid Altino, okt 19 2018, 5:54pm

In Norrköping there's an archive that collects all of the world's UFO-related reports and objects. Why?

It is a dark September evening in 1989. Mother Kerstin and her 13-year-old daughter Tina are in the car on the way to their home in Björkvik, an urban center just outside Katrineholm in Södermanland. Suddenly they spot an object in the sky, floating above a grove of trees next to the road. It is about five meters in diameter, flashing, and shaped like a saucer. Kerstin reportedly gets out of the car to take a closer look, when the craft quickly shoots off across the lake Yngaren on the other side of the road, out of sight.

Reports of "sightings" such as this there are thousands of in Sweden - about 200-250 come in each year - and all of them get filed in the world's largest UFO archive in Norrköping: Archives of the Unexplained, or AFU.

When we found out about the existence of the archive, we obviously went straight there to get our millions of questions answered. Why is there an archive for UFO-related items at all? Why in Sweden? Are they sitting on some kind of evidence that could potentially solve one of today's greatest mysteries?

The archive, it turns out, is located in what seems to be an ordinary residential area, just ten minutes by tram from Norrköping Central Station. For those who have not had the opportunity to visit Norrköping, the city looks exactly like every other Swedish city with around 100,000 inhabitants: picturesque, pastel, and full of bicycles. The fact that the world's largest UFO archive is allegedly squeezed in here somewhere among townhouses and playgrounds doesn't seem entirely reasonable, but after searching for a while we find a door that leads into the ground floor of a four-story house, subtly marked with "AFU"- the acronym of the archive. The door is open.

We enter a room that looks like any other office, with desks and shelves full of ring binders and books. Wherever you look, there's something UFO-related. On one wall hangs paintings depicting different types of flying saucers, next to old posters from the mid-20th century telling of info meetings on extraterrestrial life.

As we're standing there looking lost, a man comes in through the door behind us. Anders Liljegren, archive coordinator, has agreed to give us a tour. Anders is a 68-year-old pensioner and one of the founders of the national organization UFO Sweden in 1970, and later in 1973 the AFU. Today he spends most of his spare time supervising all the activities at the archive.

Anders tells us that the archive is about 600 square meters, stuffed full with more than 30,000 books, about 50,000 UFO reports from different countries in Europe, around 80,000 magazines, half a million news notices, and loads of different UFO-related items.

Before we begin the tour, we ask Anders about the plaques on the wall, which he tells us belonged to various Swedish UFO societies that used to be around, but sooner or later closed down. "Even the Stockholm UFO Association has shut down," he tells us. "They've been trying to revive it. Today there are two or three societies left within UFO Sweden. It's a fading existence, but we have the archives of about 120 former Swedish societies."

We enter the first archive, which Anders tells us contains documents from the UFO Sweden national organization and other material that's been donated to them. It feels a bit like entering a very organized underground bunker, filled to the brim with information that might prove very useful when aliens sooner or later arrive and enslave humanity.

Everywhere there are archived reports, news articles, and recorded material from the last 200 years. Material indicating the existence of some kind of life out there in space, which may or may not be stopping by our planet in saucerlike craft. Some of it is neatly sorted alphabetically and thematically onto shelves; some is packed away in boxes, waiting to one day be properly archived. As can be expected of a well-stocked archive, there is a constant layer of dust in the air, making you constantly feel like sneezing.

We ask Anders the obvious question whether he believes in everything on the shelves. "Believe in what, exactly?" Anders counters, gesturing to the documents around him. These subjects are way too complex to be able to say that you believe everything or nothing, Anders says. "Rather you have to look at individual cases."

"Some of us believe in a small piece of this cake, which the rest of us don't believe in. We're all different shades," Anders says, referring to the archive’s ten employees. "We have one guy who is very interested in alien contact cases, while I am more interested in abduction cases - in my opinion they carry more weight than those old contact cases. But we have different opinions."

According to Anders, "about 95 percent" of the reports coming in about people who have seen aliens and flying saucers can be explained with the help of science - often it's about people mistaking different light phenomena for something alien or paranormal. The remaining five percent of cases that cannot be dismissed are the reason why many, not least those at AFU, are interested in the topic at all.

The national organization UFO Sweden sometimes carries out its own investigations of reports to try to get closer to the truth. This summer they went door to door in Björkvik to try and find more witnesses to the event that the mother and daughter experienced in 1989.

We ask Anders if he is convinced that some UFO reports are 100 percent correct, or if it's more about being open to the possibility of something happening in a certain way. "What we're absolutely dead sure of is that either way, that woman and her daughter in Björkvik did experience an objective event," Anders replies. "Then there's a lot of things I don't think are worth taking seriously", by which he means reports of people who "keep seeing phenomena all the time". At the archive, they distinguish between these types of reports and more credible statements.

AFU is neither a group of fanatics trying to convince the rest of the world of their "truth", or a bunch of skeptics whose purpose is to try to disprove the submitted hypotheses and theories. The main mission of the association is to archive and preserve materials for the future, and try to approach the subject as scientifically as possible.

Anders leads us through room after room, past shelf after shelf. Some rooms are reminiscent of the science fiction department at a library, others look more like exhibition venues in a museum, while some rooms are more sterile with rows of tall white archive shelves. The majority of the books are non-fiction - the small proportion that is fiction is packed away in boxes.

The deeper into the archives you get, the more obvious it becomes why this archive became the world's largest when it comes to UFO-related documents - so big that aficionados travel here from all over the world to access certain documents. There's a steady trickle of donations from private collectors and libraries. Anders tells us that they have a private contact in London who works as a lawyer, but who in their spare time visits institutions to ask for material to send to the AFU for archiving.

It is also through private donations that the archive is kept afloat, as it is run entirely non-profit. "Right now, we're mainly living off donations we received a few years ago from the US," says Anders. "We received nearly half a million (SEK) from an American who sent us $60,000. So that's what we live off and have as backup funds."

Recorded radio shows, VHS cassettes, 35-milimeter movies, old news notices (both analog and digitized), books, newspapers, reports, correspondence, artwork - every conceivable medium is represented. Is it easy to become conspiratorially inclined when you're exposed to so many reports of abductions, flying saucers, crop circles, and paranormal phenomena? Anders doesn't think so. "I don't feel particularly conspiratorially inclined. It decreases with time, actually. We're taking in so many aspects of things, it would be impossible. I read through the conspiracy literature, but it holds almost no interest for me."

(Image: Fabric badges from Swedish UFO societies)

It is natural, however, that conspiracy theorists are drawn to an institution such as AFU - which is why those at the archive have chosen to keep a low profile. "We don't want conspiracy theorists and people with a transient interest," says Anders. "We all know how many hobbies we went through as teenagers."

Anders has never had a supernatural experience himself. His fascination with UFO's came when he was interested in aircraft as a child - a hobby he inherited from an older brother who passed away when Anders was only three years old. His brother left behind a heap of drawings of craft which piqued Anders's interest.

Five basement rooms, 1.5 kilometers of shelves and three hours later. Going through the archive feels a bit like a journey back in time to when you were little, when pretty much everything was still analog. To a time that wasn't necessarily better, but simpler. And as Anders says, "Why does everything have to be digitized?"

,

[sinceileftyoublog]

Årabrot Interview: Speaking in Tongues

BY JORDAN MAINZER

On Norwegian Gothic, Kjetil Nernes and Karin Park preach the gospel of Årabrot. The Norwegian band’s 9th full-length is, according to the band, the logical culmination of the noise they’ve been peddling for almost two decades. Recorded and centered around the Swedish church where Nernes and Park live, Norwegian Gothic takes equal thematic influence and reference from Theodore Adorno as it does David Bowie, its aesthetic filled with psychedelic folk and ecstatic rock and roll. 

Just take a look at the two-part video series associated with the record, encompassing three songs. On “Kinks of the Heart”, Nernes, dressed in his suspenders and wide-brimmed hat, and Park, pregnant in a flowing white dress, come to a town with a bible-looking book with the band’s name printed on the cover. They quickly round up a few townsfolk and cause them to reflect and act on their innermost desires, from sexual promiscuity to cross-dressing, over crackly guitar riffs and hard-charging drums. Part II is the sharp dance-punk synth jam “Hailstones For Rain” and washy, saxophone-laden “The Moon is Dead”, where Årabrot and their newfound cabal go to a local church--in actuality, the church where Nernes and Park live--to speak in rock and roll tongues to enrapture the crowd and later celebrate the summer solstice in a haunted-looking mansion, Nernes and Park nude as other folks dance around them.

Årabrot have fully embraced the idea of Norwegian Gothic as a statement for a while. The record was written starting in 2017, a year before their last full-length, Who Do You Love, was released. (Earlier this year, they also released an EP from the Who Do You Love sessions.) It was eventually recorded with producer Jaime Gomez Arellano (who Nernes calls “Gomez”) in London last year right before lockdown. There, they tracked drums, bass, and guitar before returning to the church for Park’s synthesizers, Hammond organ, mellotron, vocals, and overdubs. So while the album also features a number of other collaborators, like Jaga Jazzist’s Lars Horntveth, the spookiness of the church contextualizes the drama of the record, from the Kyuss-like opening guitars of “Carnival of Love” to the strings of “The Rule of Silence” and theatrical vocals of “Feel It On”. There’s also a number of spoken interludes, namely “The Voice” and album closer “You’re Not That Special”, that act as not just breaks or a comedown but, as they were culled from real-life thought provoking conversations the band had with friends, gives the album some substantial meat to back its purported philosophical influence.

Årabrot are holding out hope for some festival dates, like ArcTanGent in the UK in August, though I get the sense that, for once, their live streams so far are expertly curated displays of both Norwegian Gothic and Norwegian Gothic. Watching them perform “Hallucinational” from their church, Park’s spiritual singing and organ playing centering the band as much as the skulls that encircle them, I feel like I’m watching a production rather than a live show, yet one distilled to its raw emotion, and not just because it’s acoustic. Dressed in the same outfits as the characters from the short film, I’m unsure what’s an act and what’s not. What could be more gothic?

A couple months ago, I spoke with Nernes over the phone about Norwegian Gothic, which is out this Friday via Pelagic Records. Read our conversation below, edited for length and clarity.

Since I Left You: You say that Norwegian Gothic represents the culmination or combination of everything you’ve done so far. What about it makes it such a good summation of what you do as a band?

Kjetil Nernes: As a musician and an artist, you might say, I have a pretty specific idea of how I want things to sound and be. Usually, it’s really hard--it’s a goal you have far ahead in front of you, and you just aim to that goal. It’s really hard to get to that goal right away. It’s a process: You need to make a few albums, for example, to come closer to your main goal, and finally, it comes together. I felt like Norwegian Gothic was like that, for the past 10 years, or even for my whole career. We kind of reached that one goal we’ve had for a really long time. It has to do with songwriting, how it actually sounds, the lyrics, a number of factors. It’s also important to reach the next goal, too--it’s a never-ending process, in many ways. It doesn’t stop here.

SILY: What else makes Norwegian Gothic unique as compared to your other records?

KN: The fact that we brought in a producer for the first time made a big difference. We had Gomez. He made a big difference, for sure. Karin’s been a part of the band on and off for 10 years, but she was much more involved here, which made a big difference from the previous ones. When you’ve done as many albums as I’ve done and been involved in as many projects as I have, you get a little feeling for when things turn out slightly different from all the other times. I had that feeling with this one. I also had that feeling with The Gospel that was released some years ago.

SILY: The Gospel is my favorite record of yours, so it’s interesting to hear you compare it to this one...What about the song “Carnival of Love” made you want to open the album with it?

KN: That is an interesting question because me, Karin, and Gomez were debating back and forth about that for a long time. There were a number of different options. Maybe you agree with me: I feel that there a quite a few songs that could have opened the album. We could have chosen a faster and shorter song, and it would have been a little bit of a different vibe to the album. We had a friend who was involved at the time, and he really got a kick out of “Carnival of Love”, and that made us decide to open with it.

SILY: How do you generally approach sequencing, and was there a different way you approached it here?

KN: Usually, you get a feeling. Sometimes, the label or the management comes with a suggestion. They usually decide the singles--which songs to promote. When you pick out the singles, usually you put them very early on, especially these days, even though I personally prefer to put them somewhere else. Back in the day, if you look at David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust, all of the hits end the album. Many of the bands in the 60′s did the same thing: The main single was very far out in the album. Nowadays, the attention span is maybe a bit different so they’re usually earlier on. From there, you just listen to the songs and get a feeling, but on this one, it was particularly hard. Doing The Gospel was incredibly easy. This one took days of back and forth, and we had a lot of different ways of approaching it.

SILY: There are a lot of cinematic aspects on this record, from the strings to the spoken word interludes. Do you think about your records in a cinematic sense?

KN: Maybe. I do see a lot of films and am inspired by films and thinking of an album as a way of traveling through something. That may be what you’re referring to, too. I enjoy albums, and I particularly love albums that make you feel like you’re on a journey. That’s very often my starting point for making albums.

SILY: As much genre territory as this album traverses, “Hailstones For Rain” is an aesthetic standout. Can you tell me about the arrangement and instrumentation of that song?

KN: It does stand out. The label saw it as a very psychedelic song. I didn’t think of it that way. It started with me writing this specific rhythm inspired by some of the stuff The Residents were doing in the late 70′s. They had these weird sort of synthesizer rhythms with basslines on top. It just developed when we played it a lot. Karin added the jazzy theme on top of it. Further on, Lars Horntveth from Jaga Jazzist is playing saxophone, and there are two synthesizers going, and later, Anders Møller is playing percussion on it. It just develops. It’s a rhythmical thing. It turned out pretty interesting, that track.

SILY: How did the interludes come about? Who’s speaking, and what’s the inspiration behind the words they’re saying?

KN: Me and Karin had finished a tour with Boris. We did a week of traveling around the UK and visiting friends two years ago. I was interviewing my friend, and it started out with me saying to him, “Why the hell do we do this?” I got some really good conversations out of it. The first one on the record is Karin before “Hallucinational”, talking about her experience before writing it. The second one is with the writer John Doran, the cofounder of The Quietus. The final one is Andrew Liles, who is part of Current 93 and Nurse With Wound. “You’re Not That Special”: That’s his words.

SILY: I really like the panning in the vocals on that last one. It’s a disorienting way to end the album...You mentioned the label thought “Hailstones For Rain” was psychedelic. For me, the true psychedelic song is “Deadlock”.

KN: Yes. Exactly. I would say the same. I agree--the label is German. [laughs] Germans usually have a different way of approaching things.

SILY: What’s the inspiration behind the album title?

KN: I have a good friend who used to be in Chicago; he used to work for Chicago Mastering [Service], Jason Ward. He sent me an email a few years ago where he described our music as Norwegian Gothic, so I wrote it down. Over the years, there have been a lot of questions like, “What is Årabrot? What is it all about?” I came to the conclusion when I started writing the songs for this album that [“Norwegian Gothic”] felt right describing these genres and as a title. He was also being tongue-in-cheek about [Grant Wood’s painting] American Gothic because we live in a church and kind of look like the people in the painting. I forgot to Google the title after we started the whole process of recording, and I discovered my friends in Ulver have a song called “Norwegian Gothic” and had released it as a single or an EP and have released t-shirts for it. I was like, “Oh no!” [laughs] I did talk to them, and they were totally fine with it. Maybe it’s a good reference point, too, Årabrot and Ulver.

SILY: What’s the story behind the album art?

KN: We did a live session in the church on the summer solstice--Midsommar. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the movie Midsommar.

SILY: I have.

KN: So you know it’s quite big in Sweden. It’s a special day in Scandinavia. The sun is out all day. In Norway, not so much, but in Sweden, it’s a big day, and they dance around the maypole, and there are all these parties going around. This year, we did a live stream, and because there were travel restrictions, we did this live acoustic set. By the end of the session, we did some photos, and literally, exactly on the time of the summer solstice at whatever time--2:00 in the morning or something--that photo was taken by this photographer on his iPhone. He was really tired and getting really grumpy and sour, and Karin asked, “Take one more photo!” We just stood there in that circle with the skulls and stuff. There was some magic to that moment, so he took the photo. Karin was also 6 months pregnant at the time, and you can see her holding her belly. 

SILY: Is there anything you’ve been listening to, watching, or reading lately that’s caught your attention?

KN: The last two Clipping. albums, the film Corpus Christi, and the book Perdurabo: The Life of Aleister Crowley by Richard Kaczynski. 

[spiralatlas]

PAX Australia 2017 Day 3

There are no notes for Day 2 because I spent it socialising a little and sleeping a lot.

Queer Coded: A History of LGBTQIA+ Gaming

David Gaider Q&A

Brian Fairbanks Talks about Addressing Accessibility Through Game Design

Misc: I spent a chunk of the day in the diversity lounge which was fun. I met some great people at the Gender Diverse card game, and got to the semi finals of the Xena Nintendo 64 Fighting Game Tournament (there were only three rounds, but given how much I suck at fighting games this was still a happy surprise, and a sign of what a random button masher the game is)

The gender neutral toilets near the diversity lounge were very well done, unlike GCAP the original signs weren't visible and "with stalls/urinals" was in small letters like an afterthought.

I didn't break anything on Day 3 but did break a mug the next morning. Also the cinema in the Crown Casino is surprisingly inaccessible.

Despite the various mishaps I had a great time and will definitely come again next time we can afford it.

Queer Coded: A History of LGBTQIA+ Gaming

I missed the second half of this to see David Gaider, feeling very annoyed at the programmer.

Anny Sims @ChattyAnny on twitter (I was too slow to get the others!) Keely Thirkell Hayley Williams Soap Pejovic

Most queer characters are just queer coded, with plausible deniability. "It's up to you".Tendency for queer characters to be villains. Indie games tend to be more queer friendly than AAA games.

Lesbians: First known queer character in games: 1986 Moonmist had side-character who was a lesbian murderer.

Other notable lesbian characters:

KOTOR 2003, Juhani, first queer Star Wars character

Gone Home 2013

Dragon Age Inquisition Sera (I thought Sam Traynor from Mass Effect 3 came first?)

Tracer from Overwatch 2016

Trans characters:

1988 Birdo from Super Mario Brothers 2 "A male who believes he is female"

Lots of others but all terrible. Jokes and villains. Trans women seen as threat. Poison from Final Fight 1989, "so you can hit a woman".

Krem DAI 2014 trans man, You can't go "Ok, cool".

Hainly Adams MEA 2017 trans woman. Tells you her deadname, this was patched.

Horizon: Zero Dawn 2017 trans man

Dream Daddy 2017 trans man. One throw away line about wearing a binder, had to be clarified by writers. Non binary people and cosplayers wear binders too!

How do you make it clear they're trans without them implausibly outing themselves or just having it be word of god?

Gay men:

1993 fmv Dracula Unleashed has speaking role

Tended to be background characters, jokes and villains again. No m/m relationships shown onscreen.

Dreamfall: the Longest Journey 2006 (not made super clear until 2015)

Steve Cortez Mass Effect 3 2012

Dorian DAI 2014

Dorian knew exactly what his sexuality was. Coming of age narratives get boring.

Bi Characters (no picture because they're invisible):

1993 Ultima 7 part 2 bi character propositions character regardless of gender.

"Slutty bisexuals". A lot of characters are playersexual and it never comes up outside the relationship.

Zevran DAO 2009

Borderlands 2009

Fable 2004 let player be bi, Fable 2 2008 added bi PCs

Playersexual:

Only queer in the context that they will date players of both genders, but you don't see that unless you play as both.

Dragon Age 2 2011, Anders only mentions his ex-boyfriend if you play as a male PC

Fallout 4 2015. Did have background queer characters.

Stardew Valley 2016

Non Binary:

1995 Chrono Trigger villain

Often robots, aliens or other non human

Frisk Undertale 2015

Life is Strange 2015

Zer0 Borderlands 2 2012

Turing Read Only Memories

Some games let you have gender neutral pronouns.

David Gaider Q&A

1999 Working on Balder's Gate 2, didn't talk about his sexuality at work. Figured he would always be writing stories for straight people.

He was shocked to hear Jade Empire was having same sex romance. Got to be lead writer on DAO after that. "So I can put same sex romances in, right?". More economical to have bi romances, but he would have been happier having some gay characters.

Feeling iffy about playersexuality after DA2, he asked for 2 straight, 2 bi, 2 gay for DAI. "Minority content" is weighed via the percentage of those who play it and those who appreciate it. Eg 5% play dwarves but most see it as a positive thing to be able to do.

Most of his time was spent on the actual plot but Dorian was the most personal writing.

He was targeted by Gamergate but it doesn't compare to, for example, how much Jennifer Helper was targeted.

10 years on Dragon Age was enough, his head would explode if he had to write another story about templars and mages.

How did you get the job: His story is very specific. He was managing a hotel and a comic book artist in his spare time. A friend was a character artist at Bioware but Gaider wasn't really aware of the specifics. Bioware told their employees "If you know anyone who does game related writing let us know", the friend gave them Gaider's LARP rule book without asking. Got a call, gave the stories he wrote in highschool, got offered a job. He said no, it didn't pay enough, but then he got fired from the hotel. It felt like a sign.  

Who do you think will take the romance torch from Bioware: he’s not sure they're giving it up? EA treats romance fans as a reliable audience who don't need to be advertised to, even though it's why a lot of people play in his experience (though obviously those are the kinds of fans he will tend to meet). There is an underserved audience.

Most proud of: Lots of stuff he's not proud of. Wishes he'd been more involved in community discussions early on. Proud that the team tackled issues as they started arising. Proud of the company for standing by them. Most proud of Dragon Age 2 despite the mixed response. They had very little time to create it. It’s like a very big first draft. They had a plan but didn't get to compare notes once things were written, so he had to trust the team would stick to plan as much as they could despite things being cut on the fly. Team said they were happy in a post-game survey, didn't feel he was too dictatorial.

What does your writing look like, a screenplay? A cutscene does. But it’s generally structured like a tree that expands and then contracts back to the core path before expanding again. Flow charts.

Favourite relationship in a game? Morden in Mass Effect. Cried more than in a movie. Tali was his space girlfriend. Of the ones he's worked on, Morrigan will always be closest. She represents Dragon Age to him. Joyous time working with Claudia Black, first celebrity he'd worked with. Flemeth was originally Arabic, but that actress couldn't do it so they got Kate Mulgrew. They stopped looking for an Arabic actress for Morrigan and looked for someone who matched Kate Mulgrew. Claudia Black's audition tape was her reading Smack That like a beat poet. Gaider was very nervous, he'd never spoken to any actor before. First rule he was told was don't compare them to another celebrity, so naturally he said "I had Helena Bonham Carter in mind when I wrote Morrigan". Claudia Black said "So you're saying I'm a cheap Helena Bonham Carter ;D". She would say "Does he want me to do it more like Helena?" during recording.

Has being so closely associated with diversity had downsides? He may be gay but he's still white and a dude. He feels like it's all he talks about conventions sometimes. Teams need to sit down and look at what they've made. Lot of things made individually without concern for the bigger picture eg only 15% speaking roles in DAI were female until they stopped and looked at it and fixed it.  

"We didn't think about it" is no longer a defense. He wants to help with that, but we should be helping other marginalised voices get into the industry and amplifying their voices.

Wishes it could just be expected and we didn't have to discuss it.

He likes dating sim mechanics in the context of a larger story. But he does like the idea of romance not being as tertiary as it's been in Bioware games, romance as part of the adventure eg a romantic adventure. He's not really interested in social sims or day to day relationships. "My idea of a spicy relationship is to have my life threatened."

Why do you think most AAA companies try to avoid discussions of lgbt stuff, why is it taking so long? Because it's Pandora's Box. There is more being added casually. But if they do nothing they get lumped in with the rest of the industry. As soon as they do anything there are 2 sides: 1. why are you doing this, you're politicising your game. 2. Why aren't you doing more, whatever you did is wrong and not good enough.

Not that flawed attempts should be above criticism. But by mostly focusing criticism on the games that did anything rather than nothing, people have increased the feeling that it's Pandoras box. He understands that it feels like those developers might listen to criticism but the dynamic is sending the wrong lesson.

My question: How do you think inclusion of non binary player characters can work with including gay and lesbian love interests instead of just having playsexuality? “We've thought about it”. He defined playersexual for audience, like Shroedinger's sexuality. He doesn't like it when the only way to have something show up is to have the character talk about it. eg asexual: character would have to sit you down and explain what asexuality is. Is unsexy as a feature. Explaining nuances of sexuality is off putting. If there was more nuance across the industry that would mean no one game has to do everything. Any one game can have only so much within it.

(This doesn't actually answer my question. I discussed it with my husband afterwards and even he didn't understand what I was asking, so I may have garbled it in my nervousness)

Are some choices "canon"? One of the features of Mass Effect and Dragon Age was the continuity of choices. No "canon" but there is a default. A lot of people feel like they have to play the whole series to get the full experience, was off putting, and he found the Keep a nightmare as a writer.

They had editors keeping track of which choices were incompatible. And that was just the third game. "Can you imagine for a fourth game? Phew! Not my problem :D"

Have you thought about the morals of gamifying romance, saying what people want to hear to get sex? Dragon Age didn't work that way, sex was not at the end. Some characters in DAI had no sex scenes, sex is optional for Dorian's romance. It's a game, everything is gamified, you can't simulate actual relationships. For proper reactivity you’d have to mark every response and keep track of inconsistency, but that’s too much work. Same with polyamory: too many variables!

Maybe get away from the approval system? Pay more attention to overall choices in major quests etc instead of individual lines.

Bi characters in DAI were bi from the start. Not the first thing that comes up during character creation eg Dorian started out as "the good Tevinter". Helps avoid too many assumptions based on sexuality. But once characters started solidifying they would think about who worked for what sexualities. There's no set way to write someone "as" bi, but the writer can have them talk about relevant things in other scenes. Sera's writer is a straight dude, he didn't want to write About The Lesbian Experience, and got lesbians in the company to check out what he was writing.

Have relationships gotten more or less complicated? In Balder's gate 2 there was a single sequence of romance scenes which you could get kicked off. Dragon Age had approval. If it gets complicated but the player can't see it or understand how reactions relate to their previous actions it just seems random or predetermined. Unless they say "I am angry at you because of X", but noone says that.

Brian Fairbanks Talks about Addressing Accessibility Through Game Design

lostandhound1 on twitter

His notes.

He's not blind himself, and while he obviously cares a lot about accessibility had an unfortunate tendency to treat disabled people as a separate, if respected, "Other" to himself and the audience, even though I was right there in a bright red mobility scooter. He advocated person first language, "a person with blindness" etc, but not all disabled people like it and it shouldn't be presented as unambiguous best practice. I'm building up the energy to talk to him about it.

He's a sound designer.

Audio games: designed for people with a vision disability.

Audio game jam: the games tended to be about blindness as a bad thing. It felt victimising.

How can we make people feel powerful?

He was inspired by his dog's amazing sense of smell. The mechanic is that you follow an invisible trail using sound cues, a humming noise that gets louder and quieter.

Sighted people struggle with extracting information from sound. The game is more difficult for sighted people.

He had to add fruit on the ground as an accessibility measure for sighted people.

All music is diegetic: happening inside the world of the game, eg characters are singing.

There's a lack of much budget for audio games, since they're never going to make much money.

In 30 years current 30-something gamers will need accessible games.

Accessibility tends to be added as an afterthought or accident.

For example Pokemon has unique sounds for materials, collisions, monsters that accidentally make it accessible.

Sony reader: US only

Microsoft narrator: good but hard to use as a developer

EA: Proactively adding blind accessibility

Fighting games are often in stereo, blind players can play and even win tournaments.

Demand more from your games.

Developers: find a consultant. Address accessibility early.

It's about empathy. People with disability deserve the same stories to take part in as everyone else.

gameaccessibilityguidelines.com

daisyalesoundworks

binaural sound is going to make a big difference

audiogames.net: where blind gamers go to play games. They're supportive if you ask for advice and feedback.

People don't mind if you don't do immersive, game specific voices and just rely on the screenreader

Sound designers need more love to make VR accessible.  

Braille games?? He doesn't know much about it.

Curb cut effect examples: curb cuts for wheelchairs but also useful for prams etc. Subtitles. Think about short term problems that benefit from accessibility as well eg the screen is broken, there's sunlight on the screen etc.  

Sounds of a blind person navigating their desktop. To me it sounds like a mangled garble of little bursts of cut off computer speech, here’s a description of what’s going on.

[83gigsof90semocore-blog]

Post 4: The letter C

Welcome back! It sure wasn't yesterday, how have you been? I'm fine thanks, been a little busy myself and had to put this project on the backburner as you can probably tell. I alluded to being really busy in the last post and that's been pretty much true for all of the past year. Luckily, things are looking a bit better up ahead so I might actually start posting regularly soon!

Much has happened outside of the blog too. I toyed with the idea of moving this beuat over to blogspot (where all the real emo blogs are anyway) when it looked like tumblr was self-destructing for a hot minute. But in the end cooler heads prevailed and it looks like tumblr is just gonna keep existing albeit with less popularity. In the emo world, 125, Rue Montmartre, the first band I covered about a year ago are releasing their discography on vinyl and are now on spotify. All thanks to my blog, I'm sure. Don't be fooled by my modest follower count

I actually have quite a few prestigious readers. Most notably perhaps being Prof. Anders Ahl��n, a man important enough to have his own wikipedia page.

C has been the longest letter so far by far clocking in at a mighty 6.56 GB as opposed to the average of 2.8. I've been listening to it in phases with sometimes a month or more in between so it hasn't really been a coherent experience. It has been a real slog though, which is part of why I gave up several times. This has also been a letter with a great number of "famous" emo bands. Because part of the purpose of this listening experience is to experience 90's emo "as it was" rather than colored by nostalgia or what is deemed worthy of attention by the internet discourse I'm disqualifying bands that are prominent in the emo canon from best name, song or image. I will however still do a quick write up on them for those of you not as familiar with emo, chances are I'll reference them in the future so do take notes.

Emo classics

Cap'n Jazz

It's almost impossible to tell the story of 90's emo without Cap'n Jazz. Among their members they have Tim Kinsella, who would later go on to play in Joan of Arc and Owls, his brother Mike Kinsella who would later play in American Football as well as Owls, Their/They're/There and Owen and also Davey von Bohlen who would later play in the Promise ring. When they formed in '89 they where just a bunch teenagers, Mike being just 12. They released their first album 6 years later which goes by the title Burritos, Inspiration Point, Fork Balloon Sports, Cards in the Spokes, Automatic Biographies, Kites, Kung Fu, Trophies, Banana Peels We’ve Slipped on, and Egg Shells We’ve Tippy Toed Over, but is simply referred to as Schmap'n Schmazz by fans. Most of the lyrics where supposedly written by Tim one night while high on mushrooms. They have a wonderful surreal dadaist quality to them with lines such as Hey coffee eyes, you've got me coughing up my cookie heart or You are colder than oldness could ever be. The music is chaotic and full of a warm messy energy. I am personally absolutely enamored with their cover of Aha's Take on me which I insist on putting in as many playlists where it makes some sense whatsoever. As you can hear, Tims vocals do absolutely not Morten Harkets heights (not an easy feat in Tims defense) and you can plainly hear a teenagers voice falseto-cracking and it's absolutely amazing somehow.

Cap'n Jazz really hit the spot of this awkward sensitive yet punk energy that from the start was very central to emo. Although Cap'n Jazz are a big helping sillier and more pubertal than, say, Rites of Spring.

One popular quip about the Velvet underground is the following:

The Velvet Underground didn't sell many records, but everyone who bought one went out and started a band.

I suppose Cap'n Jazz is a bit like that for emo although their presence was perhaps felt as strongest around 2010 with bands such as Snowing, Glocca Morra and in particular Algernon Cadwallader aping their style.

Christie Front Drive

I think part of the reason for Cap'n Jazz's status as a cornerstone band stems from their originality. Christine Front Drive is in contrast a very prototypical 90's emo band. They have a sound that borrows heavily from both post-hardcore and indie-rock with the slightly whiny vocals typical for the genre and era. On their song November they sing Still the same // Fucked for what you've done // Still over // Staged over // November's almost done // Still the same which I think is a nice cross section of their lyrics (most of the rest of the song are just variations on the same words with "remember" also thrown into the mix). The overall sound is slow, moody and a bit dreamy, very typical of their brand of emo. As easy as it is to find bands that sound similar to CFD, I dare say that they did it better than most and that this is what has earned them their spot in the emo cannon.

Cursive

Cursive formed in 1995 and has since been together on and off up to the present day, the drive only has music up to 2005 though. This includes their 2003 release the Ugly Organ which was released by Saddle Creek and is the only one I've heard before starting this project. By that point they had already moved away from their emo roots though, and I'm glad to finally have gotten around to their earlier stuff. The Ugly Organ is artsy, catchy and a bit baroque, but also definitely on the outskirts of emo to the point where I'd perhaps describe it as an indie/alternative album if I wasn't talking about them in the context of emo. This doesn't mean that it isn't worth a listen because it absolutely is. Their early stuff is more typical of what the rest of the drive is like with a sound more in the ballpark of CFD but much more punk, with a higher tempo and angrier vocals while still maintaining a somewhat whiny voice, introspective lyrical content and the cold, big guitar sound typical to this branch of emo.

My favorite band

Car vs Driver

So far I've generally picked bands that stand out a bit because in a long stream of relative sameness, that's what you end up paying attention to. Car vs Driver is however not one of theses bands that stand out but rather pretty typical of the emocore sound. They do it pretty well though. They are undeniably punk, but with more introspective lyrics and a slightly melodic edge, which is exactly how emo was first conceived. One some of their tracks like the featured Without A Day day even flirt a bit more with an alt-rock sound but they also have songs that are a lot more hardcore like Livid Step.

When researching them I half expected them to be a pretty substantial band that I had somehow managed to miss, but they're actually very unheard of, something which I consider to be a shame.

I did however find that the drummer of the band has a blogspot at beyondfaliure.blogstopt.com where he catalogs various bands he's been a part of. There is a collection of Car vs Driver flyers as well as two live recordings and this summary he wrote for their discography

Car vs. Driver began when I was 17 years old. By the time we played our final show, I was 19. This band was the music of my life during a period when people usually experience the greatest amount of freedom, which is what I think of whenever I listen to this music now. There were so many new experiences: living on our own, meeting new people, getting a new perspective on life. Our lifestyle in turn gave us a new perspective on expressing music, and we poured all of our energy and emotion into it. Music that now seems a world away – music from a different life. It’s hard to remember that everything about being in a band at that time was simply making a 7”, buying the cheapest van you could find, and touring the country for the summer. There was no infrastructure to build your music around, which also removed its barriers. Instead of running our band like a corporation, we played peoples living rooms and basements, engaged in kickball tournaments, made record covers out of manila envelopes, slept on top of our van, cooked pasta, and played with some of the most amazing bands in the process. Bands that epitomized the time – like Spirit Assembly, Policy of 3, Friction, Current, The Yah Mos, Assfactor 4, Frail, Hoover, Freemasonry, Scout, and Inkwell. The experience we had is something that could never be recreated, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to have been a part of that moment in time. Thank you Matt, Steve, and Jonathan for bringing this to me.

James Joyce August 2004

This compilation is dedicated to our faithful roadies Ashley Lawrence Moore and William Anthony Nation.

We froze, sweat, bled, argued, and laughed.

Amazing stuff in all, I can highly recommend clicking around their for a while if you, like me are a bit obsessed with the 90's emo scene.

My favorite band name

Christopher Robin

Christopher Robin is a screamo band that go pretty hard. The name is a funny contrast to this and the juxtaposition between childhood nostalgia and angsty screaming works really well.

My favorite picture

Featured is the cover to a demo tape by french screamo band Cather Mathra, which features songs such as Ils M'ont Oubliés (they forgot me) or Leur Révolution (their revolution). You can read more about them on psychoviolence, a blog dedicated to French punk & violence. I think that using a medieval (?) drawing for a cover is pretty cool, especially if you're a french screamo band.

Curiosly they don’t have any music on youtube, you’ll have to check out the drive if you want to listen to them. Tumblr has a limit of 5 embedded videos anyway, so that worked out nicely I suppose.

[theplaguezine]

IN FLAMES

Interview with Anders Friden by Daniel Hinds

(conducted June 1999)

Sweden has really established itself as the home of death metal in the 90s.  Taking the sound invented in the States to a whole new level, bands like Entombed, At The Gates, and Dismember set the standards for not just brutality, but also melody and technical ability.  Then along came Dark Tranquility and In Flames, mixing in elements of folk and classic metal to create an even more potent and accessible variation on the death theme.

With their fourth full-length album, Colony, just released and tour plans around the world, In Flames are set to build even further on their already sizable fanbase.  I had the pleasure to talk to vocalist Anders Friden recently about the latest developments in the In Flames camp…

In your opinion, what is the biggest difference between Colony and previous In Flames releases? First off, we have become much better as musicians and it helped in the studio to get a better sound, a better production.  There are better songs, too.  I mean, the last album was almost two years ago, but I don't actually see that big of a change.  We are following the path we have made, not too big of a step.  We've stayed true to ourselves, doing what we want and what we love.  It's a bit more heavy and also the use of some electronics, like drum loops and stuff, that hasn't been there in the past, so that has changed our sound a little bit.

Is there a theme to this album, lyrically? Mmm, yes and no.  It's not a big concept like The Jester Race and Whoracle were.  It's more of my view on where I am today, or since the writing of the album in '98 and '99 - what I hear when I talk to people, what I hear on the radio, see on TV, and playing a little bit with the future and what will happen.  But it is like small stories in each song, not a common theme all over.

Why the title Colony and how does the cover art fit into that? Well, it's not a big thing behind the title actually.  I had ideas for a couple of titles that I showed to the others, like 'What do you think about this?' and they liked this 'Colony' thing.  It's short, it's rememberable, and it's linked to the past, the present and the future.  The song "Colony" is more about, instead of sitting around complaining about things, it's better to take it in your own hands and do it better yourself.  A lot of people, including myself sometimes - I'm not better than anyone else - just complain about things.  If you're not out there doing it better yourself, then you should just shut up.  As for the cover, I gave Andreas Marshall the lyrics and told him a little bit what I wanted, more or less what mood I wanted, but I feel like he's an artist and he will do better work if he works from his own head instead of me standing over him, telling him exactly what to do.

Could you describe the typical song-writing process for In Flames? Jesper (Strömblad, guitar) and Bjorn (Gelotte, guitar) do the riffs at home, they bring it to the rehearsal studio where all of us put our own identity on the song.  Then we'll put it together, leave something open for the studio, like some melodies or solos.  It's more fun to work in the studio when not everything is planned, as you can come up with new ideas and stuff.  I write the lyrics.  I write small pieces here and there and then put them together, make them a story.

You mentioned using some electronics and whatnot, so I was curious if the recording process was any different this time? We used the same studio, Studio Fredman, but we did work a little differently.  Like, we made three songs in a row, the complete songs, instead of making all the basic tracks in a row, like all the drums, all the bass and so on.  So we had everything, all the microphones, up there all the time.  Then we could concentrate more on each and every song.  [when doing them all at once], when you're on your tenth song or whatever, after a lot of drum takes, you tend more to be like, 'Oh, whatever.'  We used a guy for the electronics thing, but we made the song as we would have made it without the electronics - made it the normal In Flames way - so we put the electronics after, instead of building the song around the electronics.

Do you enjoy working in the studio? Yeah, I like it a lot, but it is a totally different thing from playing live.  I like both.  If it is a great vibe in the studio and you are able to experiment, you have time, then it's a lot of fun - not when there is stress or you have to come up with something really, really fast.  Or you have everybody against you (laughs) or something like that.  It happens sometimes, where you're making something you're very proud of, and the others are like, 'Uhhh….,' and you have to compromise.  Most of the time, we are on the same level, otherwise it wouldn't work.

Are you involved in any music projects outside of In Flames? No, I work in all my spare time (laughs).  In Flames takes a hell of a lot of time:  we rehearse pretty often, we tour and stuff.  But I have the studio, the Studio Fredman where we recorded.  We recently moved and built two studios in one, and I am half owner and work there, so that takes most of my time.

Do you think you might get more involved in the production side of things? I'd like to, but I don't have that much time.  In Flames is my main priority and as long as that is taking the most time, I will concentrate on that.  When I'm at home, I try to work with bands because it is good fun and I like to meet people.  I have to think about the future as well.  I mean, I don't think I'll be screaming my ass off when I'm 50.  But you never know…

You're heading to Japan soon to tour - have you guys been there before? Yeah, we were there in the beginning of '98, February, and it was an amazing experience.  We played two sold-out shows, one for 600 people and one for 1400 people, and it was amazing.  All hands in the air, from the first row to the last.  We played there by ourselves and…it's hard to describe.  I'm really looking forward to going back there again.  Everybody was really friendly.

I have heard that you might be doing some dates in the U.S. as well - any more info on that? For now, I know that we are definitely going to the Milwaukee Metalfest, but then I don't know.  It was meant from the beginning that we'd do some more dates around Milwaukee while we were over there, but now I don't know if we're going straight back to Sweden to do some more festivals, and then go back to the States and do both Canada and South America as well.  For now, it is only Milwaukee, which is going to be great because this is the first time we've played there.  I'm really looking forward to seeing how it is, you know.  You hear so much about how the metal scene is in the States and I'd like to experience that.

Going back a bit, how did you come up with the name 'In Flames' in the beginning? Well…(laughs)  A former guitarist of ours, Glenn, who left after Whoracle was released, it's something which was in his head and I don't really know.  I wasn't in the band in that period, so I really have no clue.  I have some clue, but it's not worth to mention I promise you. (laughs)  But it's a good name - short, memorable.

In Flames have become kind of the standard by which all melodic death metal bands are compared lately.  How does that feel, to be in that band? If people use us as an inspiration…  It's an honor to be recognized as the band that has been in the forefront because we always have done this, even if we've developed as musicians, we always done the same thing.  We haven't bowed to any trends.  If there was a trend, it definitely was because people talk about this New Wave of Swedish Death Metal and the Gothenburg style or whatever - the trend came to us and not the other way around.  It's nice to be recognized.  It's an advantage, but also a disadvantage because people get sick of the whole concept and if you're recognized as a one-dimensional band, then it's not good.  To be named as an inspiration, though, is an honor, of course.

What is your take on how the whole death metal scene has progressed over the years? Well…everything comes and goes.  Here in Europe, we've had this big - and I think it's on its way down now - heavy metal revival, bands from the 80s, and also some new bands as well.  Like HammerFall have had great success over here.  I don't really know what happened to them when they were in the States.  I talked to them a little bit, but it was more about the (laughs) beer and the girls.  Seriously though, I don't know what happened over there, but over here, now there's a couple brutal death metal bands and I'm hearing about a revival for them.  But I feel it is healthy, that there are bands coming and going.  A lot of younger bands come up, take the old concept and make it a little bit…not more interesting, but they take it to another level and make their own thing from something old.  I listen to so much music, it wasn't so much before when I was into the whole underground thing.  The underground is good and we wouldn't be here without it, but nowadays it seems like the bands talk more shit about each other and before people helped each other.  Now, it's 'who is more evil than the other' or 'who is more brutal' - that's not my cup of tea.

The official In Flames web page is pretty good and I was wondering if you spend much time on the 'net? Well yeah, we're out there, we're connected, all five of us.  There's a guy who is running that page and doing a good job and we try to keep it updated as much as possible.  Sometimes we have chats with fans.  We have had pages in the past and I've seen other bands where the news pages are really, really old, and that's kind of boring, so we try to be as up there as possible.

What are your long-term goals for In Flames? Well, to tour as much as possible.  My biggest wish is that every person in the world should own an In Flames CD, but (laughs) I believe that is never going to happen.  To reach out to as many people as possible, be a good influence to other bands.  We do this our own way and if people become happy or angry or whatever, as long as we can touch people.  We love to do this, all five of us.  That's basically it.

www.inflames.com

[ponticle]

8pm [12 Hours to Solve This Anderstair Challenge]

Alistair x Anders, Modern AU, Coffee Shop Universe

[challenge masterpost]

[Read it on Ao3]

Chapter Summary: Anders get curious. Alistair hesitantly tells the story of how he and Icis got together. Rated T: just some bittersweet things.

“So can you speak to Icis now?” I ask. “I mean… if you wanted to…”

“Not really,” he answers. “I pretty much ruined everything. Who calls off a wedding that close to the date?”

“Assholes,” I tease.

He snorts. “Yup… that's me—just a walking asshole… thank god you've found a use for those…”

“What is she doing now?” I ask.

“She took a job at Beth Israel, actually… you're practically neighbors,” he laughs, but it's humorless.

I shudder. “I really hope we don't run into her…”

He looks at me. “We?”

I blush. “Yeah… Please come home with me.”

He shrugs. He’s not ready to agree to my terms, yet, but I think he’s close. Since we’re in a sharing mood, I decide to let myself be curious.

“What happened with Icis?”

“You mean the break up?” he asks. “I told her I couldn’t marry her… it was horrible. She actually cried—I’d never seen her cry before that.”

We stare at each other for a long time. I’m trying to read his expression.

“I actually meant in the beginning…” I explain. “You guys got together so fast.”

“Oh,” he raises an eyebrow and smiles at a spot in the distance, “that’s a really good story, actually… are you sure you want to hear it?”

I know it will make me feel jealous, but I think I do. I nod.

 Alistair is having a shitty morning. His scrubs came out of the dryer slightly damp, his upstairs neighbor used up all the hot water, and he spilled coffee on his jacket. All of this misfortune is made worse by the fact that he still doesn’t know what he’s doing at work. He’s been at it over two months, but the procedures at this hospital are significantly different than they were at Tufts. He’s still learning.

Inside the double doors of the hospital, he’s immediately greeted with a stack of paperwork. A records admin, who is a grouchy older man—hell-bent on ruining Alistair’s life, it seems—throws the papers into Alistair’s arms and harrumphs. Everyone acts like Alistair should already been proficient at everything. He isn’t sure why that’s an expectation.

He rounds the corner toward his office, just trying to keep his head down, when a short, blonde woman runs around the corner, directly into him. Predictably, all his papers flutter to the floor. Unfortunately, the woman was also carrying a thermos filled with tea. Now, the tea is mixing with the papers on the floor.

He immediately squats down to assess the damage. He tries to pick up as many of the papers as he can, but he can tell already that it’s a losing battle.

“I’m so sorry,” says the woman. She kneels down next to him and tries to sop up some of the tea with her coat—it’s white, but short. She must be a resident.

He looks up at her for the first time.  “Oh my god, Icis?”

Her eyes widen, “Dr. Theirin!” she shrieks. “Oh my god—I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he lies. None of this is okay—that grouchy records guy is going to murder him.

“Can I help you in some way?” Icis asks.

“I doubt it,” he smirks. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m a radiology resident,” she explains. “Interventional.”

“Oh…” he cocks his head to the side, “Taking after Dr. Pavus, huh?”

She blushes, “He was always my favorite professor—next to you, of course.”

He laughs. He’s managed to pick up all the papers, although they’re not salvageable—he can tell already.

“I need to get a new set of scrubs,” she looks down at herself miserably.

“I’ll go with you.” His own shirt is totally stained.

They walk side by side to the laundry to get new clothes. When they arrive, they’re given two new sets—his are blue, hers are green.

“So, how long have you been here?” she asks.

“Just about two months,” he explains. He doesn’t want to get into why with a former student. It doesn’t seem appropriate, even though she met Anders on that fated camping trip.

“Nice—I just arrived two weeks ago,” she explains.

Right. He missed the last couple months of her internship. He thinks about his students a lot, actually. He’s been wondering how they all made out.

“Do you keep in touch with any of the other interns?” he asks.

“Krem and I text a lot,” she answers. “He sends me funny memes.”

“That’s nice,” smiles Alistair. “Where is he now?”

“He’s in Chicago,” she answers, “—cardiology.”

“Yikes—I had a feeling, though,” laughs Alistair.

Alistair has never wanted to do anything surgical or high-risk. He loves the idea of using the most conservative option first.

She looks down at her watch, “Ooh, I’m late—can we catch up later, though?”

“Sure, let me give you my cell number,” he writes on a scrap of coffee-stained paper and hands it over.

She laughs and nods before running down the hallway.

 They hang out for the first time as friends a week later.

Alistair meets her outside her apartment. She lives with three roommates.

“They’re loud, but nice,” she explains. “I didn’t know anything about Brooklyn, so they’re helping me.”

“Well, let me show you some things you might not know about yet, then,” Alistair offers. “Do you know the Gold Star Beer Counter?”

She shakes her head.

“You’re going to love it,” he concludes.

As they walk there, he gets curious. “So… I take it you never worked it out with Sera?”

She bites her bottom lip and shakes her head. “We were becoming too different—she was perfect for me when I was in undergrad… but…”

He nods, “Yeah… I know how that feels. No one can understand what this life is like from the outside.”

“Exactly,” she smiles. “What about you? Have you met any handsome boys out here?”

He laughs. She's assuming. “No… and no girls either,” he coughs pointedly.

“Shit. I'm the worst,” she rolls her eyes. “I'm bi too… but it doesn't stop me from making assumptions, just like everyone else…”

“That sort of thing is very deeply ingrained,” agrees Alistair.

They walk silently for the next twenty steps. It occurs to him that this suddenly feels like a date—now that they know their genders aren't an impediment. He doesn't want that. She was his student. It's creepy and makes him feel like a predator.

He spends the rest of the night making it clear that they're friends—colleagues, even. Luckily, they don't hit any snags and he's walked her back to her apartment before he knows it. Everything is as it should be.

“Thanks for showing me around, Dr. Theirin,” she says happily.

“You can just call me Alistair now,” he offers. They’re both doctors now; that’s the usual convention.

“Sure thing, Al,” she jokes.

He shrugs. That will work.

“Let’s hang out again sometime soon, okay?” she says.

“Okay, Icis—just text me.”

 They see each other several times over the next few weeks. Their schedules don’t line up often, though. As a resident, she has to work lots of 24 and 36 hour shifts, so she’s not very available. Alistair is lonely in the city. He calls Dorian a lot, but every time he’s not actively doing something—teaching or working out or reading—he starts to think about Anders. It’s starting to feel pathological—and he doesn’t know of any interventions for a broken heart.

One morning, there’s a knock on his door. It’s only 6am.

He staggers to open it. On the other side, Icis almost collapses.

“Icis?” he gasps, ushering her inside.

“I think I’m sick,” she mumbles.

He can tell she’s sick just looking at her—her face is pale, but sweaty; her eyes are threatening to close. Most alarmingly, she’s slurring her words.

“Icis, we need to take your temperature,” he says seriously.

She nods and lets her weight drop into his arms.

Her feet are almost dragging on the floor as he brings her into his bedroom. As he does it, he realizes that this is a stupid place to put her, but based on the layout of his apartment, it was closer than his living room. A lot of Brooklyn apartments are strangely constructed—his is no exception.

While he’s looking for his medical kit, he hears her mumble something that he can’t understand.

“What, Icis?” he calls.

She says something equally unintelligible.

He whirls around the corner and shoves the thermometer in her mouth before she can argue. It’s not the good one he uses at work—he keeps that one in his office—it’s an old one, filled with mercury. Transiently, he hopes she doesn’t bite down on it and die.

While they’re waiting, he sits next to her on the side of the bed and pushes the hair off of her face. Her bangs are stuck against her forehead—sweaty and tangled. He notices she’s wearing scrubs.

“How many hours were you at the hospital this time?” he asks.

She shrugs. She can’t answer because she still has the thermometer in her mouth. She holds up her hands—ten fingers, four times, and then three more.

“Forty-three hours?” he raises his eyebrows, “Dear god, woman…” he smiles.

She smiles around the thermometer, despite how terrible she probably feels.

Eventually, he pulls the thermometer out of her mouth and holds it up to the light.

“102.3,” he says.

She rolls her eyes and starts to sit up.

“Are you insane?” he laughs, pushing her back, “You’re not in any condition to get home right now. If I had a car, I’d drive you, but this is probably better anyway—you need someone to look after you… and I’ve met your roommates—they seem like idiots.”

She laughs, despite herself. “Can I at least get out of these scrubs? I feel so disgusting.”

Alistair stands to leave the room, but when Icis stands up, she starts to fall toward his dresser almost immediately. He has to grab her around the waist just to keep her upright.

“I think you need help,” he offers.

She nods. All her normal decorum is gone—she looks like she just went through a washing machine’s spin cycle.

Alistair realizes it could be weird to help her undress—in his room—but he straightens his spine and assumes his most clinical facade. He’s seen humans naked—it’s just anatomy.

When she’s down to her underwear, Alistair hands her one of his softest T-shirts and helps her pull it down over her head. She slips into his bed, beneath the covers, and almost instantly falls asleep. She’s shaking a little, so he puts an extra blanket over her and makes his way back out to the kitchen. He would have slept another hour, but he can hardly see the point now. He doesn’t have to work today, so he sets himself timers to go check on her every hour.

 The next morning, her fever has finally broken. When he comes in to check on her at 8am, she’s sitting up in bed, sipping water.

“Hi,” she says sleepily. “I’m so sorry to barge in on you like this.”

He shakes his head and sits next to her legs on the side of the bed. “It’s okay—I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“Thanks,” she says. “I just didn’t know where else to go…” she mumbles.

He’s not sure what that means. “Why didn’t you go home?”

She laughs. “Well… I knew I needed help… and yours was the only face I could picture.”

He blushes. “I’m glad I was available.”

She smiles, “Me too…”

They’re silent for a minute. He isn’t sure what he should do now that she’s awake. He knows her really well, but not as a friend—especially not as a half-dressed friend in his bed.

“Alistair?” she whispers.

He refocuses on her eyes and leans in.

“Thank you.” She leans in as if she’s about to kiss him, but instead nuzzles her head into the crook of his neck.

It feels like she’s communing with some small forgotten fragment of his soul that no one has touched since… since Anders. In that one moment, everything changes. She’s suddenly not the sick person taking refuge in his apartment, but someone who sees him for who he really is.

“Icis?” he croaks. “Will you stay with me for a while?” He turns his head to make shaky eye contact.

“As long as you’ll let me.”

 Presently

“And after that, we were pretty much together,” explains Alistair.

I’m trying not to let it show on my face, but I’m really jealous—more than I thought I would be.

“What?” he asks, looking at me.

“I just didn’t know how romantic that was going to be…” I grumble.

He laughs and kisses me. “The most romantic part is that she reminded me of you.”