#also I headcanon that dwarves use the title King no matter the gender of the king themselves

[mrkida-art]

A sketch of King Náin II of Durin's Folk, and her baby Dáin I

I hc Náin to be a dwarrowdam King hehe

ALSO!! Not Dáin Ironfoot, this is his great grandpa

[the-seas-song]

Kiliel Week Post Response

Hello. This is a follow-up post to my Kiliel Week Day 2 headcanons post. @milesofkeeffe asked for clarification and quotes regarding my statement that “contrary to popular fan opinion, according to Tolkien's texts Kiliel would have much more acceptance with elven culture than dwarven culture”.

A bit of necessary info about me is that I mainly write essays – what little fanfic I have written is not coming online! Unfortunately, my respective essays on elven and dwarven culture are not finished; so I apologize for the roughness of this post.

Something that I have noticed is that the majority of fans/fanworks that I've come across (especially for The Hobbit fandom) code dwarves=masculine=good and elves=feminine=bad. This makes logical sense on two counts – the dwarves are the protagonists of TH, and this is what the Patriarchy/sexism says.

However, Tolkien explicitly did the opposite. Yes, he coded the dwarves as being a fundamentally masculine race, and the elves as being a fundamentally feminine race. At the same time, he made dwarven culture the most sexist, and elven culture egalitarian. This wasn’t a coincidence - it’s part of his overarching and systematic takedown of sexism.

I'm going to start with the dwarves, because Tolkien wrote a lot less for them, so it's a lot easier to go over!

Dis was the daughter of Thrain II. She is the only dwarf-woman named in these histories. It was said by Gimli that there are few dwarf-women, probably no more than a third of the whole people. They seldom walk abroad except at great need. They are in voice and appearance, and in garb if they must go on a journey, so like to the dwarf-men that the eyes and ears of other peoples cannot tell them apart. This had given rise to the foolish opinion among Men that there are no dwarf-women, and that the Dwarves 'grew out of stone'.

It is because of the fewness of women among them that the kind of the Dwarves increases slowly, and is in peril when they have no secure dwellings. For Dwarves take only one wife or husband each in their lives, and are jealous, as in all matters of their rights. The number of dwarf-men that marry is actually less than one-third. For not all the women take husbands: some desire none; some desire one that they cannot get, and so will have no other. As for the men, very many also do not desire marriage, being engrossed in their crafts. - Lord of the Rings, Appendix A

Dwarf-women are not named on family trees. They do not go outside. Nor do they partake in dwarven crafts - Tolkien specifically states that is only a reason for the men. Dwarves only fall in love once, and both male and female dwarves are “jealous” of their spouses and spousal rights.

For the Naugrim have beards from the beginning of their lives, male and female alike; nor indeed can their womenkind be discerned by those of other race, be it in feature or in gait or in voice, nor in any wise save this: that they go not to war, and seldom save at direst need issue from their deep bowers and halls. - War of the Jewels, Concerning the Dwarves

Again, Tolkien says dwarf-women do not go outside. They also do not fight.

This is followed by the information attributed to Gimli concerning the Dwarf-women, which was  preserved in Appendix A (RK  p. 360). There is no difference in substance in the present text, except  for the statements that they are never forced to wed against their will (which 'would of course be impossible'), and that they have beards. This latter is said also in the 1951 revision of the Quenta Silmarillion  (XI.205, $5).

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Finally, there is a note on the absence of record concerning the women of the Dwarves:

They are seldom named in genealogies. They join their husbands' families. But if a son is seen to be 110 or so years younger than his father, this usually indicates an elder daughter. Thorin's sister Dis is named simply because of the gallant death of her sons Fili and Kili in defense of Thorin II. The sentiment of affection for sister's children was strong among all peoples of the Third Age, but less so among Dwarves than Men or Elves among whom it was strongest. - The Peoples of Middle-earth, Durin's Folk

Dwarf-women are not named on family trees. They join their husband's family. The “sentiment of affection for sister's children” is the least strong amongst dwarves. At least dwarf-women can't be forced into marriage.

According to Tolkien, Fili and Kili were never Thorin's heirs.

There fell also Fíli and Kíli, his sister-sons. But Dáin Ironfoot, his cousin, who came from the Iron Hills to his aid and was also his rightful heir, became then King Dáin II, and the Kingdom under the Mountain was restored, even as Gandalf had desired. - Lord of the Rings, Appendix A

Many fans feel this quote is ambiguous, because the part about Dain comes after saying Fili and Kili died. However, Tolkien (somewhat) clarified the matter.

First, though, in The Hobbit, A Warm Welcome it says:

“And who are these?” he asked, pointing to Fili and Kili and Bilbo.

“The sons of my father's daughter,” answered Thorin, “Fili and Kili of the race of Durin, and Mr. Baggins who has travelled with us out of the West.”

Thorin does not refer to Fili and Kili as his heirs. If they truly were, that would be a great slight to them, after Thorin had proclaimed his own title so proudly.

In The Peoples of Middle-earth, Durin's Folk Tolkien wrote:

Elsewhere is told of the wanderings of Thorin Oakenshield, last of the direct line of Durin,(3) in search of revenge and the restoration of his fortune; and how by the help of Gandalf the Grey he was indeed avenged at last,(4) and Smaug was slain, and after the Battle of Five Armies the kingship under the Mountain was restored. Yet Thorin Oakenshield, grandson of Thror, was slain in that battle, and the right line was broken, and the crown passed to Dain, a kinsman of Thorin.

3. Thorin Oakenshield was not the 'last of the direct line of Durin'; no doubt my father meant that he was the last in the unbroken descent of the kings from father to son (cf. 'the right line was broken' a few lines below).

This is pretty clear – there is nothing about Fili and Kili, only about Thorin and Dain. The “right line was broken” by Thorin's death, otherwise Fili and Kili would be mentioned. Note three is explicit about Tolkien's meaning of “last of the direct line of Durin”.

Going back to dwarven culture, it fits. Putting all of the facts together - Dwarf-women are not named on family trees. They join their husband's family. They do not go outside. They do not go to war, or partake in dwarven crafts. - shows a strong parallel between dwarven culture and some of our world's most sexist cultures.

A bower is “a lady's private apartment in a medieval hall or castle” (source). However, she does not live in it alone; she is merely constrained within it:

The idea of a more private refuge that we expect from the home was in many ways gendered female, not just ideologically but also architecturally (see Wood, Medieval House, and Lámperez y Romea, Arquitectura Civil). It was most associated in the Middle Ages with the residential upper-story solar block, the part of the home most associated with with women and such female domestic activities as sewing, reading, birthing, tending the sick, childcare, sexual activities, and laying out the dead (solars, chambers, and bowers were all names for women's rooms). Women were as closely associated with the chamber as men with the hall: “knights sat in the hall/Ladies in the chamber all” (Zupitza, quoted in Girouard, English Country House, 46). [cut] Modern architectural history, though generally treating the chamber as peripheral to the main interests of the family, offers structural evidence of its centrality: halls were not always defended, but the solar wing – often in the form of a residential tower – was (Faulkner, “Manor House Plans”; Wood, Medieval House, chap. 12). The separate spaces of women, however, were shared rather than truly private, refuges from external rather than internal threats. - Violence Against Women in Medieval Texts, by Anna Roberts

One young Chinese woman explains the mentality behind not being on the family tree:

In China, only the males are recorded in family trees. When my brother was born, a huge fuss was made because he was the son of an only son, and therefore, he was the one who would continue this branch of the family. Never mind that he had an older sister. His name will go in the family tree. My name will not. [cut] One’s paternal relatives are considered to be more closely related and more important. [cut] This shows a blatant preference for the paternal side of the family, once again stressing the masculine link as the more important familial link. Genetically speaking, one receives equal amounts of DNA from both parents, and yet the mother’s bloodline is considered to be of secondary importance. (source)

In Yemen, women cannot leave their house without their husband's permission. Dwarven women are not allowed outside of the Mountain unless something like Smaug happens, and then they must disguise themselves as men (the binary clothing structure is explicit).

It continues to fit even more when we look at the rest of the hypermasculine dwarven culture.

About parenting:

To these they are devoted, often rather fiercely: that is, they may treat them with apparent harshness (especially in the desire to ensure that they shall grow up tough, hardy, unyielding), but they defend them with all their power, and resent injuries to them even more than to themselves. The same is true of  the attitude of children to parents. For an injury to a father a Dwarf may spend a life-time in achieving revenge. Since the 'kings' or heads of lines are regarded as 'parents' of the whole group, it will be  understood how it was that the whole of Durin's Race gathered and marshalled itself to avenge Thror. - The Peoples of Middle-earth, Durin's Folk

Thorin, to Gandalf about Bilbo: “He is soft,” he snorted. “Soft as the mud of his Shire, and silly. His mother died too soon.” - Unfinished Tales, The Quest for Erebor

Thorin implies that it is mainly the mother's job to raise the children, and says soft is bad. Parents are “harsh” so children grow to be “tough, hardy, unyielding”. Vengeance is very important.

They are a tough, thrawn race for the most part, secretive, laborious, retentive of the memory of injuries (and of benefits), lovers of stone, of gems, of things that take shape under the hands of the craftsmen rather than things that live by their own life. But they are not evil by nature, and few ever served the Enemy of free will, whatever the tales of Men alleged. - Lord of the Rings, Appendix F

Therefore they are stone-hard, stubborn, fast in friendship and in enmity, and they suffer toil and hanger and hurt of body more hardily than all other speaking peoples; and they live long, far beyond the span of Men, yet not for ever. -  The Silmarillion, Of Aulë and Yavanna

A warlike race of old were all the Naugrim, and they would fight fiercely against whomsoever aggrieved them: servants of Melkor, or Eldar, or Avari, or wild beasts, or not seldom their own kin, Dwarves of other mansions and lordships. - The Silmarillion, Of the Sindar

Thus there grew up in those regions the economy, later characteristic of the dealings of Dwarves and Men (including Hobbits): Men became the chief providers of food, as herdsmen, shepherds, and landtillers, which the Dwarves exchanged for work as builders, roadmakers, miners, and the makers of things of craft, from useful tools to weapons and arms and many other things of great cost and skill. To the great profit of the Dwarves. Not only to be reckoned in hours of labour, though in early times the Dwarves must have obtained goods that were the product of greater and longer toil than the things or services that they gave in exchange ��-  before Men became wiser and developed skills of their own. The chief advantage to them was their freedom to proceed unhindered with their own work and to refine their arts, especially in metallurgy, to the marvellous skill which these reached before the decline and dwindling of the Khazad.

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In the battles that followed the Dwarves were outnumbered, and though they were the most redoubtable warriors of all the Speaking Peoples they were glad to make alliance with Men. -  The Peoples of Middle-earth, Of Dwarves and Men

We see clearly that this dependency on others for food does not equate to perceived worthiness. In The Quest for Erebor, Unfinished Tales, we get a good look at dwarven prejudice against hobbits.

Gandalf narrates:

I soon understood that his heart was hot with brooding on his wrongs, and the loss of the treasure of his forefathers, and burdened too with the duty of revenge upon Smaug that he bad inherited. Dwarves take such duties very seriously.

[cut]

We actually passed through the Shire, though Thorin would not stop long enough for that to be useful. Indeed I think it was annoyance with his haughty disregard of the Hobbits that first put into my head the idea of entangling him with them. As far as he was concerned they were just food-growers who happened to work the fields on either side of the Dwarves' ancestral road to the Mountains.

[cut]

“What!” cried Glóin. “One of those simpletons down in the Shire? What use on earth, or under it, could he possibly be? Let him smell as he may, he would never dare to come within smelling distance of the nakedest dragonet new from the shell!”

“Now, now!” I said, “that is quite unfair. You do not know much about the Shire-folk, Glóin. I suppose you think them simple, because they are generous and do not haggle; and think them timid because you never sell them any weapons. You are mistaken. Anyway, there is one that I have my eye on as a companion for you, Thorin. He is neat-banded and clever, though shrewd, and far from rash. And I think he has courage. Great courage, I guess, according to the way of his people. They are, you might say, “brave at a pinch.” You have to put these Hobbits in a tight place before you find out what is in them.”

“The test cannot be made,” Thorin answered. “As far as I have observed, they do all that they can to avoid tight places.”

“Quite true,” I said. “They are a very sensible people. But this Hobbit is rather unusual. I think he could be persuaded to go into a tight place. I believe that in his heart he really desires to - to have, as he would put it, an adventure.”

“Not at my expense!” said Thorin, rising and striding about angrily. “This is not advice, it is foolery! I fail to see what any Hobbit good or bad, could do that would repay me for a day's keep, even if he could be persuaded to start.”

[cut]

Thorin's eyes glistened as the memories of lost treasures moved in his mind; but “A paid thief, you mean,” he said scornfully. “That might be considered, if the reward was not too high. But what has all this to do with one of those villagers? They drink out of clay, and they cannot tell a gem from a bead of glass.”

“I wish you would not always speak so confidently without knowledge,” I said sharply. “These villagers have lived in the Shire some fourteen hundred years, and they have learned many things in the time. They had dealings with the Elves, and with the Dwarves, a thousand years before Smaug came to Erebor. None of them are wealthy as your forefathers reckoned it, but you will find some of their dwellings have fairer things in them than you can boast here, Thorin. The Hobbit that I have in mind has ornaments of gold, and eats with silver tools, and drinks wine out of shapely crystal.”

“Ah! I see your drift at last,” said Balin. “He is a thief, then? That is why you recommend him?”

At that I fear I lost my temper and my caution. This Dwarvish conceit that no one can have or make anything 'of value' save themselves, and that all fine things in other hands must have been got, if not stolen, from the Dwarves at some time, was more than I could stand at that moment. “A thief?” I said, laughing. “Why yes, a professional thief, of course! How else would a Hobbit come by a silver spoon? I will put the thief's mark on his door, and then you will find it.”

[cut]

But you know how things went, at any rate as Bilbo saw them. The story would sound rather different, if I had written it. For one thing he did not realize at all how fatuous the Dwarves thought him, nor how angry they were with me. Thorin was much more indignant and contemptuous than he perceived. He was indeed contemptuous from the beginning, and thought then that I had planned the whole affair simply so as to make a mock of him. It was only the map and the key that saved the situation.

[cut]

So I had still to persuade Thorin to take him. There were many difficulties on the road afterwards, but for me this was the most difficult part of the whole affair. Though I argued with him far into the night after Bilbo had retired, it was not finally settled until early the next morning. Thorin was contemptuous and suspicious. “He is soft,” he snorted. “Soft as the mud of his Shire, and silly. His mother died too soon. You are playing some crooked game of your own, Master Gandalf. I am sure that you have other purposes than helping me.”

[cut]

“Do so then!” I said. “I can say no more - unless it is this: I do not give my love or trust lightly, Thorin; but I am fond of this Hobbit, and wish him well. Treat him well, and you shall have my friendship to the end of your days.”

I said that without hope of persuading him; but I could have said nothing better. Dwarves understand devotion to friends and gratitude to those who help them. “Very well,” Thorin said at last after a silence. “He shall set out with my company, if he dares (which I doubt). But if you insist on burdening me with him, you must come too and look after your darling.”

So we have an exceptionally hypermasculine culture that exalts fighting, vengeance, and crafts of stonework, mining and crafting, and weaponry; and also derides femininity. They are also the only culture that exalts secrecy and prejudice in it's theory (reality is a whole different matter, because there are prejudiced people of all races). Unfortunately, their treatment of females doesn't surprise me in the least.

Now, the elves!

First, the basics of elvish nature.

Whereas the Elves remain until the end of days, and their love of the Earth and all the world is more single and more poignant therefore, and as the years lengthen ever more sorrowful. For the Elves die not till the world dies, unless they are slain or waste in grief (and to both these seeming deaths they are subject); neither does age subdue their strength, unless one grow weary of ten thousand centuries; and dying they are gathered to the halls of Mandos in Valinor, whence they may in time return. But the sons of Men die indeed, and leave the world; wherefore they are called the Guests, or the Strangers. Death is their fate, the gift of Ilúvatar, which as Time wears even the Powers shall envy. - The Silmarillion, Of the Beginning of Days

Whereas their own fëar [souls], being designed to remain in Arda to its end, imposed long endurance on their bodies; for they were (as a fact of experience) in far greater control of them. (Author's Note 5, p. 341)

Note 5.

They were thus capable of far greater and longer physical exertions (in pursuit of some dominant purpose of their minds) without weariness; they were not subject to diseases; they healed rapidly and completely after injuries that would have proved fatal to Men; and they could endure great physical pain for long periods. Their bodies could not, however, survive vital injuries, or violent assaults upon their structure; nor replace missing members (such as a hand hewn off). On the reverse side: the Elves could die, and did die, by their will; as for example because of great grief or bereavement, or because of the frustration of their dominant desires and purposes. This willful death was not regarded as wicked, but it was a fault implying some defect or taint in the fëa, and those who came to Mandos by this means might be refused further incarnate life. - Morgoth's Ring, Athrabeth Finrod ah Andreth

The Elves had (as they said themselves) a 'great talent' for memory, but this tended to regret rather than to joy. - Morgoth's Ring, Athrabeth Finrod ah Andreth

“Nay!” said Legolas. “Alas for us all! And for all that walk the world in these after-days. For such is the way of it: to find and lose, as it seems to those whose boat is on the running stream. But I count you blessed, Gimli son of Glóin: for your loss you suffer of your own free will, and you might have chosen otherwise. But you have not forsaken your companions, and the least reward that you shall have is that the memory of Lothlórien shall remain ever clear and unstained in your heart, and shall neither fade nor grow stale.”

“Maybe,” said Gimli; “and I thank you for your words. True words doubtless; yet all such comfort is cold. Memory is not what the heart desires. That is only a mirror, be it clear as Kheled-zâram. Or so says the heart of Gimli the Dwarf. Elves may see things otherwise. Indeed I have heard that for them memory is more like to the waking world than to a dream. Not so for Dwarves.” - Lord of the Rings, Farewell to Lórien

The elves' souls are bound to the Unseen Plane (see here), and so their souls control their bodies – they can just lie down and reject bodily life if they decide to. But there is a great grief in this – their memories and emotions never fade the slightest bit, no matter how many millennia's pass. And if they do 'die' from grief, oblivion still isn't theirs, because their souls and memories still go on. They just become disembodied spirits in the Halls of Mandos, completely consumed by their memories and emotions.

Now, elven gender roles.

In all such things, not concerned with the bringing forth of children, the neri and nissi (12) (that is, the men and women) of the Eldar are equal - unless it be in this (as they themselves say) that for the nissi the making of things new is for the most part shown in the forming of their children, so that invention and change is otherwise mostly brought about by the neri. There are, however, no matters which among the Eldar only a ner can think or do, or others with which only a nis is concerned. There are indeed some differences between the natural inclinations of neri and nissi, and other differences that have been established by custom (varying in place and in time, and in the several races of the Eldar). For instance, the arts of healing, and all that touches on the care of the body, are among all the Eldar most practiced by the nissi; whereas it was the elven-men who bore arms at need. And the Eldar deemed that the dealing of death, even when lawful or under necessity, diminished the power of healing, and that the virtue of the nissi in this matter was due rather to their abstaining from hunting or war than to any special power that went with their womanhood. Indeed in dire straits or desperate defence, the nissi fought valiantly, and there was less difference in strength and speed between elven-men and elven-women that had not borne child than is seen among mortals. On the other hand many elven-men were great healers and skilled in the lore of living bodies, though such men abstained from hunting, and went not to war until the last need.

As for other matters, we may speak of the customs of the Noldor (of whom most is known in Middle-earth). Among the Noldor it may be seen that the making of bread is done mostly by women; and the making of the lembas is by ancient law reserved to them. Yet the cooking and preparing of other food is generally a task and pleasure of men. The nissi are more often skilled in the tending of fields and gardens, in playing upon instruments of music, and in the spinning, weaving, fashioning, and adornment of all threads and cloths; and in matters of lore they love most the histories of the Eldar and of the houses of the Noldor; and all matters of kinship and descent are held by them in memory. But the neri are more skilled as smiths and wrights, as carvers of wood and stone, and as jewelers. It is they for the most part who compose musics and make the instruments, or devise new ones; they are the chief poets and students of languages and inventors of words. Many of them delight in forestry and in the lore of the wild, seeking the friendship of all things that grow or live there in freedom. But all these things, and other matters of labour and play, or of deeper knowledge concerning being and the life of the World, may at different times be pursued by any among the Noldor, be they neri or nissi. - Morgoth's Ring, Laws and Customs Among the Eldar

A little bit of subconscious sexism comes through here on Tolkien's part, but he wrote this later in life and most of it fits. The bit about elven healing doesn't – it is contradicted by pretty much everyone (Glorfindel, Elrond, Elladan, Elrohir, Beleg, Mablung) (tinw has an excellent essay on healing here, which includes all cases of elven healing).

As for the sexism, Tolkien states several times in these two paragraphs that any elf can be and do anything they want. Looking at his elven women, we see a large variety in personalities:

While still in early youth Fëanor wedded Nerdanel, a maiden of the Noldor; at which many wondered, for she was not among the fairest of her people. But she was strong, and free of mind, and filled with the desire of knowledge. In her youth she loved to wander far from the dwellings of the Noldor, either beside the long shores of the Sea or in the hills; and thus she and Fëanor had met and were companions in many journeys. Her father, Mahtan, was a great smith, and among those of the Noldor most dear to the heart of Aulë. Of Mahtan Nerdanel learned much of crafts that women of the Noldor seldom used: the making of things of metal and stone. She made images, some of the Valar in their forms visible, and many others of men and women of the Eldar, and these were so like that their friends, if they knew not her art, would speak to them; but many things she wrought also of her own thought in shapes strong and strange but beautiful.

She also was firm of will, but she was slower and more patient than Fëanor, desiring to understand minds rather than to master them. When in company with others she would often sit still listening to their words, and watching their gestures and the movements of their faces. Her mood she bequeathed in part to some of her sons, but not to all. Seven sons she bore to Fëanor, and it is not recorded in the histories of old that any others of the Eldar had so many children. With her wisdom at first she restrained Fëanor when the fire of his heart burned too hot; but his later deeds grieved her and they became estranged. - Morgoth's Ring, Of Fëanor and the Unchaining of Melkor

Míriel was the name of his mother, who was called Serindë, because of her surpassing skill in weaving and needlework; for her hands were more skilled to fineness than any hands even among the Noldor. - The Silmarillion, Of Fëanor and the Unchaining of Melkor

and:

Silver was her hair and dark were her eyes, but her hands were more skilled to fineness than any hands even of the Noldor. By her was the craft of needles devised; and were but one fragment of the broideries of Míriel to be seen in Middle-earth it would be held dearer than a king's realm, for the richness of her devices and the fire of their colours were as manifold and as bright as the glory of leaf and flower and wing in the fields of Yavanna. - Morgoth's Ring, Of the Silmarils and the Darkening of Valinor

and:

She was a Noldorin Elda of slender and graceful form, and of gentle disposition, though as was later discovered in matters far more grave, she could show an ultimate obstinacy that counsel or command would only make more obdurate. She had a beautiful voice and a delicate and clear enunciation, though she spoke swiftly and took pride in this skill. Her chief talent, however, was a marvellous dexterity of hand. This she employed in embroidery, which though achieved in what even the Eldar thought a speed of haste was finer and more intricate than any that had before been seen. - The Peoples of Middle-Earth, The Shibboleth of Fëanor

Indis: She was not of the Noldor, but of the Vanyar, [of the kin >) sister of Ingwe; and she was golden-haired, and tall, and exceedingly swift of foot. She laboured not with her hands, but sang and made music, and there was ever light and mirth about her while the bliss of Aman endured. [cut] Therefore she remained unwedded, when her people departed to Valinor, and she walked often alone in the fields and friths of the Valar, [turning her thought to things that grow untended >] filling them with music. - Morgoth's Ring, Laws and Customs Among the Eldar

Aredhel: When she was grown to full stature and beauty she was tall and strong, and loved much to ride and hunt in the forests. There she was often in the company of the sons of Fëanor, her kin; but to none was her hearts love given. - The Silmarillion, Of Eldamar and the Princes of the Eldalië

Galadriel: Her mother-name was Nerwen ("man-maiden"),1 and she grew to be tall beyond the measure even of the women of the Noldor; she was strong of body, mind, and will, a match for both the loremasters and the athletes of the Eldar in the days of their youth. - Unfinished Tales, The History of Galadriel and Celeborn

I do not have any short quotes to give for Luthien, Idril, or Arwen; but the great deeds of Galadriel and Luthien are well-known (Luthien also wandered alone in the forests a lot in her youth). Idril is a remarkable politician; and though Arwen is often overlooked by fans, she has a great influence in LotR (for more on that, see my Arwen essay).

So while Tolkien's own subconscious sexism came through a little, it can be dismissed – the history of Middle-earth systematically shows the opposite of “invention and change is otherwise mostly brought about by the neri.”

Another relevant passage:

Aredhel Ar-Feiniel, the White Lady of the Noldor, daughter of Fingolfin, dwelt in Nevrast with Turgon her brother, and she went with him to the Hidden Kingdom. But she wearied of the guarded city of Gondolin, desiring ever the longer the more to ride again in the wide lands and to walk in the forests, as had been her wont in Valinor: and when two hundred years had passed since Gondolin was full-wrought, she spoke to Turgon and asked leave to depart. Turgon was loath to grant this, and long denied her; but at the last he yielded, saying: “Go then, if you will though it is against my wisdom, and I forebode that ill will come of it both to you and to me. But you shall go only to seek Fingon, our brother; and those that I send with you shall return hither to Gondolin as swiftly as they may.”

But Aredhel said: “I am your sister and not your servant, and beyond your bounds I will go as seems good to me. And if you begrudge me an escort, then I will go alone.”

Then Turgon answered: “I grudge you nothing that I have. Yet I desire that none shall dwell beyond my walls who know the way hither: and if I trust you, my sister, others I trust less to keep guard on their tongues.”

And Turgon appointed three lords of his household to ride with Aredhel, and he bade them lead her to Fingon in Hithlum, if they might prevail upon her. “And be wary,” he said; “for though Morgoth be yet hemmed in the North there are many perils in Middle-earth of which the Lady knows nothing.” Then Aredhel departed from Gondolin, and Turgon's heart was heavy at her going.

But when she came to the Ford of Brithiach in the River Sirion she said to her companions: “Turn now south and not north, for I will not ride to Hithlum; my heart desires rather to find the sons of Fëanor, my friends of old.” And since she could not be dissuaded they turned south as she commanded, and sought admittance into Doriath. - The Silmarillion, Of Maeglin

As Aredhel points out, the only power over her Turgon has is ordering her to keep the location of his kingdom a secret. And when she wouldn't change her mind, her escort had to do what she said. She had the power, and she knew it.

Another factor is how possessiveness is framed. Eöl and Maeglin are portrayed as villains corrupted by Morgoth, and they are very possessive. Likewise, Thingol's possessiveness of Luthien is damned and leads to catastrophic consequences.

Lúthien indeed was willing to wander in the wild without returning, forgetting house and people and all the glory of the Elf-kingdoms, and for a time Beren was content; but he could not for long forget his oath to return to Menegroth, nor would he withhold Lúthien from Thingol for ever. For he held by the law of Men, deeming it perilous to set at naught the will of the father, save at the last need; and is seemed also to him unfit that one so royal and fair as Lúthien should live always in the woods, as the rude hunters among Men, without home or honour or the fair things which are the delight of the queens of the Eldalië. Therefore after a while he persuaded her, and their footsteps forsook the houseless lands; and he passed into Doriath, leading Lúthien home. So their doom willed it. - The Silmarillion, Of Beren and Lúthien

It is “the law of Men” that believes “it perilous to set at naught the will of the father” - not elven belief.

Also, without getting into the whole controversy of Gil-galad's parentage, one of the main components of Maeglin's tale is that he lusts after the one person who stands between him and the power he craves: “Then the heart of Idril was turned to him, and his to her; and Maeglin’s secret hatred grew ever greater, for he desired above all things to possess her, the only heir of the King of Gondolin.” - The Silmarillion, Of Tuor and the Fall of Gondolin It is stated explicitly that Idril is Turgon's heir.

Also highly relevant is the elven attitude towards fighting. All elves are naturally peaceful, and only fight “at need.” A quote above said that dwarves often fought with each other; but there are only three cases of an elf killing another elf, and they are held as some of the most traumatic and devastating events in elven history (the kinslayings).

Regarding weapons:

While still in his early youth he wedded Nerdanel, the daughter of a great smith named Mahtan, among those of the Noldor most dear to Aulë; and of Mahtan he learned much of the making of things in metal and in stone.

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The Vanyar indeed held him in suspicion, for they dwelt in the light of the Trees and were content; and to the Teleri he gave small heed, thinking them of little worth, tools too weak for his designs. But the Noldor took delight in the hidden knowledge that he could reveal to them; and some hearkened to words that it would have been better for them never to have heard. Melkor indeed declared afterwards that Fëanor had learned much art from him in secret, and had been instructed by him in the greatest of all his works; but he lied in his lust and his envy, for none of the Eldalië ever hated Melkor more than Fëanor son of Finwë, who first named him Morgoth; and snared though he was in the webs of Melkor's malice against the Valar he held no converse with him and took no counsel from him. - The Silmarillion, Of Fëanor and the Unchaining of Melkor

And when Melkor saw that these lies were smouldering, and that pride and anger were awake among the Noldor, he spoke to them concerning weapons; and in that time the Noldor began the smithying of swords and axes and spears. Shields also they made displaying the tokens of many houses and kindreds that vied one with another; and these only they wore abroad, and of other weapons they did not speak, for each believed that he alone had received the warning. And Fëanor made a secret forge, of which not even Melkor was aware; and there he tempered fell swords for himself and for his sons, and made tall helms with plumes of red. Bitterly did Mahtan rue the day when he taught to the husband of Nerdanel all the lore of metalwork that he had learned of Aulë. - The Silmarillion, Of the Silmarils and the Unrest of the Noldor

But the Teleri withstood him, and cast many of the Noldor into the sea. Then swords were drawn, and a bitter fight was fought upon the ships, and about the lamplit quays and piers of the Haven, and even upon the great arch of its gate.

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Thus at last the Teleri were overcome, and a great part of their mariners that dwelt in Alqualondë were wickedly slain. For the Noldor were become fierce and desperate, and the Teleri had less strength, and were armed for the most part but with slender bows. - The Silmarillion, Of the Flight of the Noldor

Therefore Thingol took thought for arms, which before his people had not needed, and these at first the Naugrim smithied for him; for they were greatly skilled in such work, though none among them surpassed the craftsmen of Nogrod, of whom Telchar the smith was greatest in renown. A warlike race of old were all the Naugrim, and they would fight fiercely against whomsoever aggrieved them: servants of Melkor, or Eldar, or Avari, or wild beasts, or not seldom their own kin, Dwarves of other mansions and lordships. Their smithcraft indeed the Sindar soon learned of them; yet in the tempering of steel alone of all crafts the Dwarves were never outmatched even by the Noldor, and in the making of mail of linked rings, which was first contrived by the smiths of Belegost, their work had no rival.

At this time therefore the Sindar were well-armed, and they drove off any creatures of evil, and had peace again; but Thingol's armouries were stored with axes and with spears and swords, and tall helms, and long coats of bright mail; for the hauberks of the Dwarves were so fashioned that they rusted not but shone ever as if they were new-burnished. And that proved well for Thingol in the time that was to come. - The Silmarillion, Of the Sindar

Against the words 'Melkor spoke to the Eldar concerning weapons, which they had not before possessed or known' my father wrote on the typescript: 'No! They must have had weapons on the Great Journey.' Cf. the passage in QS on this subject (footnote to §49): 'The Elves had before possessed only weapons of the chase, spears and bows and arrows.' - Morgoth's Ring, Annals of Aman

Tolkien doesn't use gendered terms for the elven armies, and we are given specifics of Galadriel and Idril fighting with swords:

Galadriel: Even after the merciless assault upon the Teleri and the rape of their ships, though she fought fiercely against Fëanor in defence of her mother's kin, she did not turn back. - Unfinished Tales, The History of Galadriel and Celeborn

Now is the face of that chieftain [Tuor] grim and he looks not to live long - and there in his house upon the walls Idril arrays herself in mail, and seeks Eärendel.

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But his mother coming set about him a tiny coat of mail that she had let fashion in secret, and at that time he was glad and exceeding proud, and he shouted in pleasure. Yet Idril wept, for much had she cherished in her heart the fair city and her goodly house, and the love of Tuor and herself that had dwelt therein; but now she saw its destroying night at hand, and feared that her contriving would fail against this overwhelming might of the terror of the serpents.

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Now then Meglin had Idril by the hair and sought to drag her to the battlements out of cruelty of heart, that she might see the fall of Eärendel to the flames; but he was cumbered by that child, and she fought, alone as she was, like a tigress for all her beauty and slenderness.

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When Meglin saw this he would stab Eärendel with a short knife he had; but that child bit his left hand, that his teeth sank in, and he staggered, and stabbed weakly, and the mail of the small coat turned the blade aside; and thereupon Tuor was upon him and his wrath was terrible to see. He seized Meglin by that hand that held the knife and broke the arm with the wrench, and then taking him by the middle leapt with him upon the walls, and flung him far out.

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Then Tuor and his men must get them to the battle of the Gate, for the noise of it has grown very great, and Tuor has it still in his heart that the city may stand; yet with Idril he left there Voronwë against his will and some other swordsmen to be a guard for her till he returned or might send tidings from the fray.

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Coming now at length to a greater quiet Tuor asked Voronwë for tidings, in that Idril spake not and was well-nigh in a swoon; and Voronwë told him of how she and he had waited before the doors of the house while the noise of those battles grew and shook their hearts; and Idril wept for lack of tidings from Tuor. At length she had sped the most part of her guard down the secret way with Eärendel, constraining them to depart with imperious words, yet was her grief great at that sundering. She herself would bide, said she, nor seek to live after her lord; and then she fared about gathering womenfolk and wanderers and speeding them down the tunnel, and smiting marauders with her small band; nor might they dissuade her from bearing a sword. - The Book of Lost Tales, The Fall of Gondolin

Now, Tolkien wrote this in 1917, and Middle-earth didn't really exist yet; so the gendered pronouns of the warriors should be overlooked. However, he never really revisited the fall of Gondolin, so it's all we have. All I have to say is don't mess with Idril. She got her son out and then went to help her people, telling her guards to stick it.

The anti-fighting belief goes even further than not having weapons before evil came or not killing other elves:

Then Turin took up a drinking-vessel and cast it in Saeros' face, and he fell backward with great hurt; and Turin drew his sword and would have run at him, but Mablung restrained him. Then Saeros rising spat blood upon the board, and spoke as best he could with a broken mouth: “How long shall we harbour this woodwose? Who rules here tonight? The King's law is heavy upon those who hurt his lieges in the hall; and for those who draw blades there outlawry is the least doom. Outside the hall I could answer you, Woodwose!”

But when Turin saw the blood upon the table his mood became cold; and with a shrug he released himself from Mablung and left the hall without a word.

Then Mablung said to Saeros: “What ails you tonight? For this evil I hold you to blame; and maybe the King's law will judge a broken mouth a just return for your taunting.”

“If the cub has a grievance, let him bring it to the King's judgement,” answered Saeros. “But the drawing of swords here is not to be excused for any such cause. Outside the hall, if the woodwose draws on me, I shall kill him.”

“It might well go otherwise,” said Mablung. “But if either be slain it will be an evil deed, more fit for Angband than Doriath, and more evil will come of it. Indeed I feel that some shadow of the North has reached out to touch us tonight. Take heed, Saeros, lest you do the will of Morgoth in your pride, and remember that you are of the Eldar.”

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Mablung was in the forefront of these, and he was troubled in mind, for though the taunting had seemed evil to him, 'malice that wakes in the morning is the mirth of Morgoth ere night'; and it was held moreover a grievous thing to put any of the Elven-folk to shame, self-willed, without the matter being brought to judgement. - The Children of Hurin, Turin in Doriath

Taunting and shaming other elves is considered the work of evil, and not acceptable.

Now, relationships. Elves only fall in love once in their life (technically it is possible for them to fall in love a second time, but we are only given two cases in all of Tolkien's works, and both times there was a greater power at work).

They had few children, but these were very dear to them. Their families, or houses, were held together by love and a deep feeling for kinship in mind and body; and the children needed little governing or teaching.(3)

3. A: 'They had few children, but these were dear to them beyond all else that they possessed. (Though no Elf would speak of possessing children; he would say: "three children have been added unto me", or "are with me", or "are in my house"; for their families were held together...' (the brackets being closed at the words 'or teaching').

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But these ceremonies were not rites necessary to marriage; they were only a gracious mode by which the love of the parents was manifested,(8) and the union was recognized which would join not only the betrothed but their two houses together.

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In happy days and times of peace it was held ungracious and contemptuous of kin to forgo the ceremonies, but it was at all times lawful for any of the Eldar, both being unwed, to marry thus of free consent one to another without ceremony or witness (save blessings exchanged and the naming of the Name); and the union so joined was alike indissoluble. - Morgoth's Ring, Laws and Customs Among the Eldar

We also have the quote above that states that the “sentiment of affection for sister's children” is the strongest amongst elves.

So. The foundation of elven-kind is memory and emotion. Their souls control their bodies. Elvish memories remain crystal clear, no matter how many decades or centuries pass. They never fade, even the slightest bit. Connected to memory is emotion. Elves feel things in a clearer way. They are ruled by emotion. They can literally just lie down and kill themselves with their mind, if they wish. There is nothing more important to an elf than their relationships, of any kind. Their anti-possessiveness goes so far that they will not even say 'I have two children'. They are naturally peaceful, and consider even taunting as someone being touched by evil. All elves are equal, and nothing is restricted by gender.

This is the polar opposite of dwarven culture.

So, how do Tauriel and Kili fit into this? (for evidence of everything I'm about to say, see my Tauriel essay and my Kili essay)

Let's start with Kili. He is a complete cultural anomaly. Kili doesn't have that internal sense of dwarven pride. He is very open-minded, and exemplifies the saying, “A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.” He is genuinely curious and admiring of Bilbo and his house. Kili also defends him and shows faith in him by betting on him. Though raised on the evilness of elves, Kili doesn't have any prejudice or dislike for them. He sees Tauriel as a breathtaking and awe-inspiring being far above him while never showing the slightest hint of jealousy or possessiveness towards her, and has thought about the nature of nature; thus contradicting everything dwarven culture believes in. He follows his heart and morals no matter what. He is amazingly resilient and light-hearted; even though he does have a self-esteem issue. No one ever believes me when I say Kili has a slight self-esteem issue, but he does. He hides his negative emotions and has a very hard time holding grudges (which dwarven culture exalts).

Kili shows this several times – after being completely humiliated in front of the entire Company he just says “funny” and looks down (being hurt and vulnerable instead of getting angry and lashing out), and immediately joins in the food fight; he immediately lightens the conversation after telling Tauriel about his promise to his mother; he continues to play down his injury even after Thorin tells him he doesn't get to continue on the quest; he doesn't want Fili to defend him to Thorin but drop it and go with the others; and he makes his dazed speech about Tauriel.

Kili also never appears emotionally invested in fighting – he explores and complements Bilbo's house while Fili is lovingly taking out his weapons. In Mirkwood, Kili doesn't just ignore the disappearance of his weapons; he starts fancying Tauriel because of her impressive skill when she saved his life, and smiles softly after her retort. According to his culture, she has just emasculated him at least twice; and his reaction is not to get angry, but to fall in love with her. He is perfectly comfortable with being the more feminine one in their relationship.

We see in Rivendell just how quickly Kili's 'abnormality' is dealt with – Dwalin publicly humiliates Kili immediately when he catches Kili in awe of elven beauty.  

Overall, Kili's personality is much more elven than dwarven.

Now, Tauriel. She is Thranduil's foster daughter and Legolas’s best friend/honorary sister. We see over and over that the only people of higher rank are Thranduil and Legolas. However, we only see Legolas co-lead a patrol, give a few small and isolated orders, hold and interrogate the orc at Thranduil's cue, and convey Thranduil's orders to their people. It is Tauriel who has to give Thranduil the report on the spiders and is immediately given charge when the dwarves escape. She is the one who essentially is Thranduil's second hand; at least in matters of security (I'm sure he has a steward as well).  Legolas is more of a follower than a leader, and that explains why he does not seem to have any other role than that of Prince. Tauriel is a natural leader; and scared of her love for Kili, she hides behind her strong sense of duty. She also cannot turn away from Thranduil - Kili's life is in danger, and yet Tauriel doesn't go after him. She goes to confront Thranduil. Thranduil, for his part, realizes just how badly he's messed up when Tauriel and Legolas leave him heartbroken in Dale.

Even if the dwarves could get past her essentially being Thranduil's daughter, she would still never be accepted because the basis of her very being is not accepted – being a leader and a warrior. Kili himself is not wholly accepted by his people; he hides parts of himself to avoid being taunted and shamed.

I'm not saying that Thorin would turn his back on Kili – after the dragon sickness, I think it likely he would grudgingly accept Kiliel. But he is the King, and he is constrained by his people and culture.

While the elves don't like the dwarves any more than the dwarves like them, they would understand that Kili's it for Tauriel, and the grief mortality brings to the relationship. Tauriel fits perfectly in her culture, and seems well liked. Her people would likely care about her happiness. And personality wise, Kili would honestly fit better with the elves. They would most likely see that.