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drunklander · 5 years ago

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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 501

We’re back again for another season of men never having to demonstrate any personal growth on screen because the writers don’t feel like that’s important to show and instead force the audience to just forget everything that previously happened because look! The characters, who aren’t real and are just what we write them to be, are all cool now so why aren’t you? #BadFans

As a standalone episode/series premiere of a new show, this episode was really good! I enjoyed it a lot, with some obvious exceptions. As the season five premiere of a show with a long history? What the actual fuck, why do you keep doing this, writers?

In season one, Jamie beats Claire, never actually apologizes for it, and we’re expected to be like oh lol it’s cool now. No worries.

In season two, Jamie takes his pants off with some prostitutes while his pregnant wife is at home, blames it on his “mission,” and we’re expected to be like oh lol it’s cool now. No worries.

In season three, Jamie is an asshole and a half to Claire when she gives up literally everything (including their daughter) to come find him and knowingly marries the woman who tried to have Claire killed because of one dance with random children at a holiday party, and we’re expected to be like oh lol it’s cool now. No worries.

In season four, Roger is a rancid garbage heap to Bree all season and is only begrudgingly down to stay with her as if *he’s* the one who’s been wronged by her, and Jamie literally sends a guy into what he thinks is like certain death/slavery without getting any real information, and we’re expected to be like oh lol it’s cool now. No worries.

So watching this premiere, I was not at all shocked that there was a convenient time jump where everything was so handily worked out off screen and we’re all super cool now, and Jamie thinking Roger isn’t good enough for Bree is played for a joke instead of being THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH. #BreeDeservesBetter

Anywho, onward under the cut because I’m back on my drunken bullshit.

Ooo, a rape warning before the episode, starting off very on brand for you I see, show.

Fuck them very much, again, for including that very unnecessary story line in the first place.

I miss Scotland, y’all. Also, young Murtz can get ittt.

So can old Murtz.

#TeamMurtz

This bit though with wee Jamie made me feel feelings. Jamie and Murtagh’s relationship is literally one of my favorite parts of this whole damn show and saving Murtagh was the best adaptive choice these fuckwads made.

Unpopular opinion alert, but I actually really like the new credits music. I will always like season one’s the best, but this one is up there.

Also, am I a giant weirdo for being happy that even though they change stuff in the credits all the time, they keep in the shot of Claire’s legs running from the pilot? Idk why, but I’m like sentimentally attached to that shot.

Also, that is a fucking microscope I see in the credits, are we gettING SCIENCE!JIZZ?!??!?!?!

SCIENCE!JIZZ! SCIENCE!JIZZ! SCIENCE!JIZZ!

“Careful, or ye’ll lose yer head.” And we’d all be definitely super sad if that happened. Yep, can’t have that. #TeamCutthroatRazor

Jamie threateningly shaving and insulting Roger is the fandom minus the stans who for some inconceivable reason still like that fucker.

Seriously, fuck Roger. Jamie is apparently the only one who hasn’t gotten amnesia about how terrible he is. I guess it’s because Jamie has been really fucking terrible many times and like recognizes like.

I fucking love that Murtz made Bree’s ring. Makes it more meaningful than the random trinket Roger picks up at the Gathering Without End in the book. Like Claire’s Lallybroch key ring was more meaningful than the book!ring. Fuck the show for ditching the Lallybroch key ring because tHe BoOk RiNg Is WhAt FaNs LiKe. No. Stop. Bad choice.

The aerial shot going over the big house makes me hopeful that this season won’t be as fucking claustrophobic as last year. Because seriously, we can all tell you’re still in Scotland. Doing a whole season in basically closeups doesn’t make it seem any more North Carolina-y.

CLAIRE MAKING BREE’S DRESS AND GETTING TO BE THERE FOR HER DAUGHTER’S WEDDING WHEN SHE DIDN’T THINK SHE’D BE ABLE TO GIVES ME ALL THE FEELINGS! CLAIRE DESERVES ALL THE GOOD THINGS! I JUST LOVE CLAIRE A LOT OK! SORRY NOT AT ALL EVER FUCKING SORRY! #BeauchampBrigade5Eva

Bree’s dress is fucking gorgeous. I lowkey like it better than Claire’s.

Da!Jamie on his something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue quest is fucking adorable. He also never thought he’d get to see this one of his kids’ wedding so yay for him too.

“And we’re giving her away to a man who loves her.” “Oh.” “What? You doubt his love?” “Um, I’m sorry, did you SEE all last season?! Did everyone else get amnesia?!”

Also, bullshit about Roger being terrible aside, this right here, with Jamie and Claire actually talking to each other in an adorable and snuggly way. Like being all close and cuddly and shit. THIS IS MY SHIT. When we all bitch about wanting more Jamie and Claire couple stuff and the writers are all like “but the sex doesn’t advance the story” it’s like no you fuckwits, we don’t always mean sex! Sometimes we mean sex, because sex is important in their relationship (and sex does not necessarily equal nudity), but most of the time we mean SHOW US THAT THESE PEOPLE LOVE EACH OTHER WITH THE SMALL CUTE STUFF LIKE THIS! I’m *rull* curious to see how much more of stuff like this we get this season now that Balfe and Heughan are producers. Balfe especially, considering how dirty they did Claire last season...

DA!JAMIE AND ANOTHER OF HIS KIDDOS! Da!Jamie being sappy and sentimental at his kids’ weddings is 100% my jam.

HIS FACE WHEN BREE SAYS JE SUIS PREST MAKES ME FEEL ALL THE FEELINGSSS.

MOM AND DAD ARE AT THEIR LIL GIRL’S WEDDING AND MY SKIN IS CLEAR AND MY CROPS ARE THRIVING. Except that one weed over there in the groom’s place that just won’t go away.

I am so fucking glad they did away with the Gathering Without End. I swear to fuck 17% of a book that’s just like camping and periods and breast milk is aggressively not my jam.

Unfortunately the groom being a douchenozzle is not a legal reason to object to a wedding. But it really should be.

Fersali being all snuggly and cute during the vows is fucking precious. I love Fersali. Protect Fersali at all costs.

I’m ok with playing Jamie and Claire’s music over Bree and Roger’s wedding because like, this is the culmination of all the shit that Jamie and Claire went through together and I’m all for making stuff just about them, haha. But otherwise, weird choice to not give Bree and Roger their own theme?

Also, I get that it’s a better choice to have a character we already know and have established stakes with be here to do the red coat stuff, but loool at the thought of the fucking governor coming to this random backcountry wedding. Tryon, buddy, I get that Murtz is your white whale, but you look obsessed in a bad way, bruh.

GERMAIN!!! I FUCKING LOVE GERMAIN! I FUCKING LOVE THAT JAMIE TALKS SHIT ABOUT PRESBYTERIANS TO GERMAIN! GIVE ME ALL THE SASSY SMOLS!

“Some of us like to think before we act.” Oh fuck all the way off, Roger. ALL THE WAY OFF.

“There was me thinking that you were just trying to shut me up for a minute.” I mean, that was an added bonus, Rog.

Sophie has really gotten so much better at acting. She’s always such a goddamn delight on press tours and I’m like *rull* glad to see her growing into the role.

Lizzo/Flute Lady from the Wedding Band 2020

I 100% wanna chill with JQM and Fersali. This squad of cool kids seems aggressively more fun than the dancers.

Oh Isiah Morton. If only you could keep it in your pants.

I LOVE FERGUS WITH MY WHOLE HEART.

I LOVE MARSALI POSSIBLY EVEN MORE.

GODDAMN IT I JUST LOVE FERSALI SO FUCKING HARD.

Seriously, the sass and theatricality and sarcasm of Marsali Fraser. I stan. I fucking stan.

Also I 100% kept reciting “To sit in solemn silence...” through that whole scene. Once a theater kid, always a theater kid.

Don’t be a buzzkill, LJG. I love that posh nerd. Except when he’s being a fucking creeper about Jamie to Claire.

“Mistress, can I dance with the guy I thought raped you because he was such a twatwaffle?” “Sure, Lizzie, go for it! Because we’re all friends now.”

We’re just leaning in on the dad stuff this episode. The hot dads of Riverdale should form a gang with the hot dads of the Ridge just for kicks.

Obligatory fuck the writers for including Bree’s rape. Since they did though, good on them for showing her PTSD. Although fuck them for including such a graphic flashback. Much like the choices they made in the season one finale, it centers the rapist and the act more than the survivor.

Can this please be the only Fred reference this season? Also love to lightly joke about an emotionally abusive asshole who treated Claire like shit and used Bree as a weapon against her. Claire, being the bigger person she’s always been, will obvs not speak ill of Fred to Bree (unlike how Freddy boy undermined Claire in front of Bree), but Bree is now aware of just how shitty Fred was. Even if he wasn’t overtly shitty to her, her still being all lovey about him, knowing what he did to her mother, is lowkey super fucked up. “Well I know he was shitty to other people, but he never did anything to me” is never a good look.

Bree hugging Jemmy, oh man, I just wanna give her a hug and tell her everything’s gonna be ok.

Jocasta is still trash (there’s no such thing as a benevolent slave owner) but this Murcasta scene is a goddamn delight.

OK BUT NOW I NEED FAN ART OF MURTZ AS A FAIRY KING!

Roger singing to Bree is cute and all, but then using the music for the whole montage is cheesy af and I don’t think I like it.

Is that Arch and Murdina I spy there in the crowd?

Marsali is literally the most fertile woman in the Colonies.

Grannie and Granda trying to get it on veryyy quietly so they don’t wake Jemmy is fucking adorable as shit and I lowkey love it.

Awww, poor LJG. I ship Lord John with someone who actually loves him.

Ok I get Murcasta having to break up because of his regulator stuff, randomly introducing Duncan Innes is a fucking weird choice.

Maria Doyle Kennedy really was the fucking perfect casting choice.

Oh hey, Josiah Beardsley. I was hoping they’d cut out the whole thing with the Beardsleys and Lizzie, but honestly, I’ll take that silliness over Emo!Roger any day.

Good on Jocasta for being a clever MacKenzie, but fuck Roger for only doing the right thing when he’s insulted into it. TL;DR: Fuck Roger.

Is Gerald Forbes going to randomly turn into Neil Forbes at some point like he does in the book?

DOCTOR CLAIRE FOR THE WIN GIVE ME ALL THE DOCTOR CLAIRE.

Srsly, I am here for Jamie shitting on Roger at literally every opportunity. Preach, Jamie. Preach.

“I’ll leave you to yer patients. And to wage war with your wee invisible beasties.” Seriously though, this is my jam. This playful banter. For so much of the series, it’s been like do these two even like each other? Because the writers kept trying to make the show into something it wasn’t. Politics, war, characterization flipflops and assholery FoR tHe DrAmA. It was so hard to see why Claire would ever pick this guy. I’m very cautiously optimistic that more shit like this will be peppered in this year because dammit, this is why we’re all fucking here.

“Then ye must find yerself a lieutenant.” Can it be Marsali? Please? Can Marsali be Claire’s lieutenant?! Because cutting the whole Malva bullshit would be ideal. And Fersali gets so sidelined in the later books that I’d fucking LOVE the writers to make changes so they can be more centered with the rest of the fam. And I am fucking obsessed with Claire and Marsali’s relationship. Marsali is the most Claire Jr. character in this whole damn show and I WANT THEM TOGETHER IN FRONT OF MY EYEBALLS.

Roger pricks his index finger but smudges the blood on Jemmy’s head with his thumb. Not the takeaway of this scene at all. But since I don’t like Roger, that’s my bullet for it.

Also I love that they switched the whole raise a militia thing to a hunt for Murtz & Squad rather than needing to do it because some randos are somewhere doing a thing and then lol jk they left so you can all go home like it is in the book.

Totally called it that they were going to combine the two bonfires and that this was when the kilt was gonna make its triumphant return.

Also I fucking love that it’s the music from Je Suis Prest during the scene when Jamie puts his kilt back on.

And thank fuck they didn’t put any dialogue/voiceover in this scene when Claire sees Jamie. It’s so much more powerful without it.

Aaand we’re burning a cross. At least they were smart enough not to burn a Roman cross, but they’re still burning a cross instead of just doing a bonfire. The scene could be just as powerful had it been adapted to not have a burning cross. Fuck them, tbh.

Remember that time that fuckwit Roberts tried to be like oh we’re not *really* burning a cross so we’re not racist but we’re not gonna address it directly because lol out fanbase is fucking wicked conservative and also a fucking cult who will yell at us for changing anything.

Because seriously that twatwaffle really tried to pretend like a celtic cross isn’t a religious symbol so they’re not having a KKK rally in this white supremacist hellscape. FUCK THAT GUY FOR BOTH HIS SHITTY DECISIONS AND ALSO FOR ACTING LIKE WE’RE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS.

BuT hIsToRy AnD tHe BoOk! Fuck that. Do. Not. Burn. Crosses. But they showed a lynching last year for the sole purpose of showing the shocked white people, so of course they fucking burned a cross.

Jamie being both himself and Colum from the Gathering in season one at the same time is a fucking sight to see.

The look on Knox’s face is *chef’s kiss*. Bruh you don’t even *know* who you’re dealing with.

Aaand in a move that is not at all shocking, Roger hesitates *again*, when Jamie extends his hand to him. Fuck, and I cannot stress this enough, that guy. I get that he’s untrained and scared or whatever, but buddy you deal with that shit tomorrow. You don’t fucking leave Jamie hanging when he’s doing this big theatrical thing in an effort to fucking save his land and tenants. Ugh.

FERGUS, SON OF HIS NAME AND HIS HEART! Jamie and Claire’s first kid getting the props he fucking deserves. ILY SO MUCH FERGS!

Marsali’s face when Fergus goes to give his oath. Just the pride and love there. I JUST LOVE THEM SO FUCKING MUCH OK.

I appreciate the commitment to the shitty green screen of that titular Ridge, haha.

That is a *rull* phallic rock in your circle, Murtz.

BUT...ALWAYS TAKE A MURTAGH! *cries*

This is a real gut punch of a scene, tbh. It’s 100% the right thing to do, but damn, right in the fucking feels.

This episode, with my selective amnesia activated per the above lol, has me more hopeful for how a season might be than I’ve been in a while. But this feeling has consistently been crushed in the past. Here’s to hoping the show finally stops doing us dirty!

#*#outlander starz #outlander 5x01 #drunj!der yells about outlander

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sole-cuore-amore-e-droga · 6 years ago

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Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Hungary to Eurovision with yet another father song apparently

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Hungary, I love you, but you're bringing me down...

Never in my life have I wanted to fight a NF as much as A Dal 2019. The lineup was considerably less engaging with me than the previous year's one (but in the end it turned out to be even MORE engaging than the previous year's one), the design update (to which I got used to like 10 minutes later anyway) happened, the jury exterminated a handful of favourites, and a common Eurofan's worst fear apart from not having at least one glitzy-schlager-fiesta-wrapped entry a year occured yet again - the under/over-staging of songs with potential. What could've been a smooth sailing sweet ballad sung by a man with all his heart turned out to be a confused fisherman's piano boy tune with little to no emotional connection with the televiewer; a killer electropop soundscape piece sprinkled with intensity, fragility and neon-like colors was supposedly performed by a lost-on-stage housewive who probably has 2 kids and 2 cats at home; and that one folksy melody set to campfire suddenly lost all its fire with a snow backdrop behind. Truly a wrong time to become a full-on Hungary stan.

And yet, out of all this hot savaging and rampaging mess, entangled with fan-fave losses and one eliminee too late thanks to a common ESC song's worst fear (plagiarism accusations), emerged one gloriously victorious soul in the shape of a brave man of gypsy 'origo' who once has been elected to Eurovision to make his country proud with his killer ethnic track 2 years ago, and he nailed that right to the T, with the help of an onstage dancer and violinist (both female) to create some space for the song to breathe and exhale the passion of what he sang out of his heart by then - Joci Pápai. Yes, him again! Who did you expect, András Kállay-fucking-Saunders??

Anyways, his song this year is titled “Az én apám” (My father), written by him and partially co-written by a man hiding himself behind the name Caramel (and I prefer caramel candy more than the actual raw caramel tbh), who is probably finally lucky enough to see a composition of his go to Eurovision after he himself couldn’t quite make it as himself right back on the very first A Dal. This year he also wrote a cute little harmless ballad for a 16 year old girl but we’ll discuss her later (maybe), because it’s Joci’s time. Again.

As the title already indicates, it’s another song about a father, and unlike for AWS’s lead singer, Joci’s father is... alive and well, surprisingly, considering Joci is 37 and, at the time of his fatherly loss, Örs Siklósi from AWS was approximately 24-25. That definitely does not mean the parents’ loss can’t come in at any time of your year - A Dal 2019 had a contestant whose mother was murdered when he was NINE. 0_0 Not to mention that some mothers die during childbirth, too. Or even maybe some fathers die before children were born because all they need to be in part of babymaking is to give her satisfaction at the right time and boom, 9 months (or even earlier/later) of wait. But I digress. This is much different song from “Origo” as “Origo” had this ethnic upbeat rhythm to it, with violins included, and was mostly a captivating song with a little bit of rapping because Joci couldn’t fit so many words in all of the other verses he could have thought of for this song without having to extend the song for A Dal submission, so he had to do the rap, sorry “Origo” rap bit’s haters. “Az én apám”, meanwhile, has him project his feelings against a musical backdrop of a little bit more softer, acoustic, chill tune with a little poppier arrangement (and add some violins during his live performance on two of the A Dal shows, that are now a permanent part of the ESC version of the song!). And instead of the Romani onomatopoeia we’re getting “na na na, ya ya yah” in the chorus, which is as nice, but I’d rather “jalomaloma” out some bitches than have this.

For this one, he’s all alone, on his own, except for the other songwriter’s aid (dare I say that this personal song’s lyrics weren’t even written by Joci himself??? Not even a microscope??? Caramel you mastermind you). But mostly on stage, he’s alone. And shoeless. And with a starry-ish backdrop. Simple enough staging for a simple enough song, right? As it’s proven that simplicity can work in the past Eurovisions (see Sobral), and maybe, just maybe, Hungary does stand a chance for once again for being just simple, like Boggie was (but mostly she was more inoffensive and singing about a topic that’s still beaten to death every now and then, although this topic has fizzled out lately, which paved the way to all the love songs dominating NFs now, as well as the Latino craze). Though I doubted it was gonna remain so “simple” after it was revealed the Hungarian team is looking for everyone’s fathers’ pictures to be submitted to them. Yes, it was supposed to be one of THOSE kind of backdrops. I don’t even know what kind of use did Michael Schulte have of the fatherpics people sent HIM! Most of the backdrop focused of his lyric video aesthetic on the choruses, and I remember more of THAT, not the photos... so I doubted it was gonna work out on this one either. But in the end Joci wasn't satisfied with how all of those pics looked, so he will go for only showcasing his very own papi now.

Oh shit I forgot to talk what I feel about the song myself... well, safe to say that I didn’t warm up to it when I first heard the snippet ahead of every other A Dal snippet, but as in full, it just so happened to be nice enough, although I preferred “Origo” because reasons - not to mention that looking back at the A Dal 2017 state that I’ve seen from, I’d probably have had Joci as a legit fave to win it! And I already found Tótova to be too strange at first, unsure if it’s worth it to give them a second shot (post-2nd-listening-note: I did and it wasn’t that... bad?). And so, with low enough expectations, I didn’t even look into his chances all that further, especially with him being sick on the heat 3 day and only managing to barely tie-win in his heat just so he could dominate further rounds. But man did it turn out to be a beast later on.

So let’s, for now, say that I like it, but it’s just one of those artist return expectations that let you down because you really wanted to maybe see them again, but there would never be another song like the first one. Time will probably make me forget it all happened though and I’ll be able to enjoy it as much as “Origo”, as the “na na na” chorus part is really lovely enough. The song though, it is bafflingly too much reliant on too long verses in order to make the song just only have 2 of them and 2 choruses, and for the person that is biased for ‘2 verses - 3 choruses - bridge somewhere in between’ kind of songwriting that I am, it’s lowkey a glaring problem (as I'm finishing this weeks later than initially planned I actually got used to this structure and it even slightly compliments the song, but only slightly), as “Origo” has not only an engaging song but an engaging structure - nothing seems throwable out, nothing seems needed to additionally to be added. This one, however, is just there with its structure, and although hearts and minds are swayed by this, I don’t think I’ll get used to it this as a whole easy, unlike, like I said, time makes me forget the NF messfest and focus my love and support towards those that ARE going, not those that COULD’VE BEEN going. For now, I am not sure if I finished my review rant this properly, but for now, I’ll just wish Joci the best of luck, eventhough he’ll 1) never read this and 2) never understand this :( But still ^_^ Don’t let your nation down, big man and a father of two!

Approval factor: Despite reasons I’ll detail a little later, I’ll approve this entry, as I can’t be mad enough at Joci, for the humble man that he exists as, and the message he’s spreading, and the man he teamed up with. I approve of him but not of the background things.

Follow-up factor: From substance things, let’s just say it’s a bit of a yes and a bit of a no. No because ‘omfg it’s too soon for him wtf!!’ and I agree but if that’s what the juries initially wanted after seeing him in the lineup, and this return of his is now a bit more unnoticed and anonymous... but yes because it’s not a bad choice after AWS, because it was to be expected Hungary will send something softer after going out hard the last time, and they delivered the softness.

Qualification factor: depends on how does the audience feel for this emotionally, if Joci transmits his love for his father and that other supposed message as well well enough to the audience, in this simple staging of things (well if the fatherpic concept is still considered as ‘simple’ and nothing too cheesy or creepy). For now though I’ll be optimistic enough for Hungary - they won’t break their streak this year. If this simple-ish enough staging with just the singer on it doing his best worked for our lovely Ieva last year (despite these two not being a comparable songs), this would as well! And then settle around in top 15 provided enough people are there to give Joci just the right amount of love and patience that he needs (jury is a different question but since it’s not ethno-aggressive I think they might warm up to this as well, despite this being Hungary). Or even 16th-20th.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

A Dal 2019, with all things considered, needs to immediately die in a hellhole. Mainly because of the juries doing their dirty work by drowning the public favourites yet again, and especially the good ones (I've mentioned some of them earlier in the first paragraph by description). Let me demonstrate two of my favourites to the unsuspecting audience:

• Let’s get the elephant out of the room first. LEANDER FUCKING KILLS. Would you even think they’d have had any sort of victory of a NF potential?? Well, not off the AWS’s heels, considering both them and AWS play metal music. But their 2019 entry, "Hazavágyom", was something else. It’s if your dad went out with a couple of his friends to start a campfire somewhere in the woods, and then he took out a guitar because he remembered that he wanted to play something new he learned after listening to a lot of Irish folk music. And they all go off together - one rhythm drum, one guitar, the others jam out to the rhythm and create a fully-fledged campfire song, and a mysterious violinstress appears out of nowhere to help keep the party going. No really, it’s in the music video. Them being the most positive surprise of the lineup 2019 really melted my heart as I didn't expect so many people siding with another shade of their music. And even I started to draw myself into that song more and more, of how dancy and heartfelt it sounded with them decent lyrics about some sort of personal affection (maybe??), hoping that the jury will listen with their hearts and minds open to this Leander’s change of things and let them win the selection that way. But in the end... you know that Assi Azar quote. That’s right. And even so guess what - their first hurdle was their last. Sure, you can say they had a flawed live performance (no violinstress :( too rough vocals at the last chorus :((((((), but if you crush a future of good potential ahead, you’ll never know what might have you lost and how much would you have liked it better if things were slightly improved according to what you thought that needed to be changed in it. As it is for now, both "Hazavágyom" and Leander Kills ended up being robbed of Tel Aviv 2019. Hats off for trying, though.

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• And then we have this fantabulous guy down here, with the name of Gergő Szekér and his journey-like legendary folk-tale, written for us guys, to let the past go, just like a (little) bird, and keep what matters only - “Madár, repülj!” mesmerized me from its first snippet (with me additionally commenting on that he’s a nice guy somehow), and then the full version came - with some rapping, wavy electronic bassline (that we haven’t seen striving since last days of dubstep’s relevancy), great choice of instruments, THAT gorgeous way of singing this whole song - I was ready to run away from the disappointment I had from Leander’s flop and immerse in this song fully knowing that it’s gonna be ‘such a jury darling!’... but a-MOTHERFUCKING-las! The boi missed the mark by 4 points in the superfinal vote-up in order just to tie with the unexpected new jury darling that was even BEATEN by Gergő in the semi, Bogi Nagy (the 16 year old I mentioned earlier)... the last juror thought that shooting up Bence Vavra to the superfinal spot was a good idea, and I can’t blame him as Bence deserved to go to the A Dal final for the little that he has participated in, but NOT AT MY BOI’S EXPENSE. ;_; I truly doubt that at this day and age there’ll be anyone capable of filling in the Gergő shaped hole in my heart... well, I can certainly TRY cutting him out of me, but the pre-NF-hype-build, his song’s remix with his X Faktor’s friends and my imagination of him dancing in the Telavivian postcards and engaging with his new Eurofandom fam through live interviews will haunt me from here on end... ugh.

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And normally I hype up the NF participants that I supported last time previous year but then they become just artists for me and I wanted more of their song but not of the actual performer in Eurovision and therefore I don’t want them to ESC anymore, but if both of those above artists go to Eurovision at some point, I’m likely stanning both the hell out of their songs AND themselves, for who they are and who they stand for (hopefully nothing too controversial, we already have had a fanfave oppose gay marriage once so imagine a Hungarian A Dal winner doing the same at some point :O). Leander for his overall talent, Gergő for everything he is (and plus a little bit of mutual acknowledgment I’m gonna talk about later UwU bias is strong ahahaha).

Now with my sorrows out of the way, let’s highlight some more of this shit-fest:

• How the fuck wasn’t Dávid Heatlie’s staging a big meme during the season?? At least nationwide?? Seriously. “La Mama Hotel”, his actual entry, might not be too much of a standout (considering it’s just some by-numbers-synth-heavy song with its only major saving grace being a kickass guitar solo), and he did not perform all his best, BUT THE LAMPS. THE FUCKING LAMPS. Too many of them, and they’re slightly too oldfashioned, but so aesthetically-satisfying out of nowhere. If I were a moth, I’d immediately run to his lamps at any given time, and even stay with them after they’re eventually returned to MTVA’s stage props garage or to a Hungarian IKEA. Yes I know the moth meme is dead btw but so what?

Not to mention the guy himself is a bit of a meme in my eyes.

• I already discussed about this on my only one-time “Fanwank Assimilation” bulletin and I have no intent to reiterate all that I said from there on this one word-for-word but let’s go on anyway. Olivér Berkes, the hipster friend of Zävodi from A Dal 2017, returned on his own to win many more hearts with a soft piano/acoustic ballad “Világítótorony” (lighthouse), which couldn’t have been staged more... disconnectingly. To summarize, it’s somewhat of a love song inspired by a lighthouse symbol (quite literally lol), staged as if it was like fisherman taking care of one lighthouse himself, coming and going to do his thing. And like, there was no click with people that made Olivér stand out with something else other than just this ballad, like he did by constantly tele-qualifying with Ádám Szabó’s current girlfriend back in A Dal 2016 and being put in the superfinal with aforementioned Zävodi in 2017. His song itself was just a nice song and kind of a lot people liked it it seems, but I wasn’t really getting it until too much later on after Olivér’s heat was over, so I was surprised with his elimination, but my feelings I got from this song off my first impression weren’t disappointed over this. Check his performance here.

• Can I call Rozina Pátkai a highlight? You might have not heard of her unless you’re Hungarian and/or THAT into their jazz scene, as she’s big on there. This year though she has had a “noisy electropop” song through to the chosen 30 of the A Dal selection, and it was of the name “Frida”. Nothing was too bad until she also ended up having some unfortunate first-hand mis-staging. I did say at the beginning of this post that she kinda looked like “lost-on-stage housewife who probably has 2 kids and 2 cats at home”, and that’s just me not being fond of the outfit she got, though I don’t really imagine in better clothes, or do I? Nevertheless, the Rubik’s cube visuals of her pictures and bright pink lighting (where visible) looked great on her staging somehow (and the on-screen effects), just not the visual aesthetic of the singer’s. Witness it here. Also witness what I meant with the visual parts of things:

Triple woman?? now I’m scared

who’s this shocked gal in the background that got cubed???? UwU

curious woman telling you a bedtime story on TV

Sorry, these captions are a little too silly, but still. The jurors were alright with it except for one (and that’s also the one who killed Olivér’s chances too a little) and the televote was harsh (5 points, yikes, the lowest ever telescore of this A Dal year). Well, if it was studio, we’d probably see her through, but me personally, I saw it as a semifinalist at best when I first heard her song. Now I think it would have been decent enough for a final too maybe? As at least the chorus of this is good but I was never too hooked on the first verse as it always reminds me of the annoyingly soft indie pop that dominates the current music trends... well alas.

(Sidenote: maybe her moterly styling was dedicated to her future child she’s currently carrying? Yep, turns out Rozina is currently pregnant, just like one other A Dal contestant this year!)

• A personal highlight for me, besides that one time Gergő Sz. spoke out to an ESCBubble interviewer that “there’s this, like, a guy or a girl from Lithuania, and [he] said “yeah, I’ve some re-LAH-tivs [sic] ... in Lithuania and she was like *exasperated gasp noise* “Lithuania! Oh my God! We love you so much!”” (and for a matter of fact, it was me :) I’ve been only acknowledged once ever but the acknowledgement still exists!!), was discovering Fatal Error (and USNK but mainly just Fatal Error) before they entered A Dal 2019 with THE EXACT SAME SONG I FIRST HEARD OF THEIRS. Yeah. “Kulcs” music video featured Örs Siklósi, your favourite Hungarian screamer/singer, as a presenter rather than a part of the song, and a good-ass metal song did he present. And as the A Dal 2019 season rolled on at the beginning, Fatal Error were on my hyping target until some better songs came on and I didn’t feel like stanning Fatal Error’s song as much as I only stanned them because they’re here for the fans even more at even more times than I expected them to be - liking their comments on the band’s Instagram and Youtube posts - nothing against other contestants though (Leander included), if they have their lives to carry on and only sit down to check Instagram twice a week or so, it’s perfectly fine. :) I am quite sure Joci is probably like this also. Nevertheless, Fatal Error totally rocked, despite coming off AWS’s heels, and they’re at least encouraging other rock acts to come over to A Dal to open themselves to the world of many eager people discovering new artists every now and then. Just like the victory of AWS sort of did. Also one of the guys from that band said that their mother was delighted to see his band live, which brings us to...

• ...The Middletonz, a fresh new band for András Kállay-Saunders to leech on through next few A Dals now that the band of his name is no longer a thing. They, and yesyes, were the first ever fan favourites to emerge, mainly for sounding modern and having these artists people hate seeing back to A Dal only because of so many tries in the show, but happy to see back in hopes for them finally taking A Dal by their hands (and for András it’s a ‘finally AGAIN’ moment), but problems arose when the juries weren’t fond of both Middletonz AND yesyes, so much so that the frontman of the latter band spoke that he’s not coming back to A Dal again (unless he lies to us by coming back in 2022 or so). What amuses me more about The Middletonz, other than the song (which is fine for the most part, the D’n’B + acoustics mix is neat and catchy, but the beat drops harder than my will to live, and it IS bad (okay further listens later it’s not THAT bad but still... you gotta have had tried harder, men), is their nationality. Besides the hidden phantom member of the group that we never heard on any interview but appeared to be present (at least on the heat stage of the NF), here we have András, which is Hungarian-American, and his friend of the (nick)name of Slashkovic, which is Dutch-Iranian! That’s a colourful palette of double nationalities. And not to mention, despite it being a minority language, therefore a perfectly fine addition, some Russian language is heard in their song, courtesy of Slashko himself. That and on the A Dal 2019 final night Slashko had his parents watching him perform live for the first time... and based on the amount of years he has hidden that from his parents, it took him SO DAMN LONG somehow to reveal himself. Damn. Anyways, anyone up here to bet we’ll see András again, especially after him being reminded to “never give up” by one of his fans? Well, now that he has definitely seen Joci win A Dal twice on his both attempts, it’s highkey positive. Now with or without Slashko? We’ll see.

• The infamous plagiarism incident, which actually hung like a shadow on one of the contestants and those accusations probably scared him for life, and then the scandal outright knifed out a completely different contestant, Petruska (if you remember him from 2016, you know who he is), a little too late into the competition. If you were so certain his song sounded alike, you’d have either eliminated him in the heats or not accepted his song at all, which... maybe did sound like a Vampire Weekend song, I’ll let you judge.

I can’t be arsed to highlight anyone else because there was a lot to go after. Like, two young-bun A Dal acts that came from the same kidshow (different season though) and one did the song all by himself but couldn’t carry it quite as far despite his basic technotronic visuals, another was completely dependent on Caramel’s songwriting capabilities and fared WAY better than everyone else expected, tied-winning the heat with Joci, being the 3rd qualifier on the semi and beating Gergő Sz. during the superfinal vote-up by 4 points (and Feró’s endorsement lol). Yes the latter person I was talking about was Bogi Nagy. Have her song linked too if you want to listen to it. (I could have also talked about her sitting on a hula hoop and having a long extended projector dress to showcase her childhood pictures onto, but that’s just a song-saving gimmick in my opinion, and I don’t wanna waste my thoughts on her any longer tbh.) And USNK, those two that won X Faktor 2018, Soundcloud-rapped a song about HASHTAGS HASHTAGS HASHTAGS, gave a needlessly over-colourful stage show and took Leander’s spot of qualification to the semis through televoting (and additionally pissed me and borisbubbles off. Ya welcome for an indirect tag too!). Wow. But enough being a bitter Betty, I’ll have to let the bird fly until the next NF season and wait for some more eager names to cheer for, even if they don’t have an exciting “#háttérzaj” of nationalities. Until then, A Dal, my love...

#eurovision 2019 #tel aviv 2019 reviews #hungary 2019 #joci pápai #az én apám #hungary

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survivormontenegro · 5 years ago

Text

Prejury Rites of Passage

youtube

Ali - The undisputed Subway Queen. Somehow, other than maybe JJ, you have ended up as maybe the most talked about player this season, your legacy lives on. Your tribe PSAs about your feelings on the vote were legendary, and I genuinely really enjoyed talking to you. If you are still looking for closure, from my perspective, the reason you left the game was because while we had greater conversations, I’m not sure how much you had talked to the others, and you targeted who was someone who was already well-connected in Mitch, and who was also someone I didn’t want to see go. With that said, you remain a legend, the original robbed goddess of the season, and in Tumblr Survivor: Sandwich Royalty, I can’t wait to watch you snatch first place.

Benj - You were really nice but just didn’t talk much! Queen of subway, queen of stacking sandwiches, queen of telling us you scored over 50 but actually scored 0. We still talk about that iconic moment.

Caeleb - I’m sorry I never got to meet you. The way people talk about you is iconic, so I can only imagine that you are actually are.

Ali - You will without question not remember this, but you played in my first ever season! You were inactive, and basically didn’t message anyone, but you wrote a confessional that I still remember about me being annoying and wanting me to shut my mouth. It seems you knew the truth of my annoying ways before the rest of the cast, so perhaps you are the wokest one of all.

Caeleb - I messaged you about corn. And then we never talked again, and that’s why I think I got your vote. But you seemed really fun, I just wish I got to know you more.

Tom - Hi pal it’s me Tom uhm it was nice to meet someone that i would have never met in my real life as you are into drag so it was nice talking to you for the small portion you were in the game

Ali - Jared, you are the OG crackhead of the season, and I honestly miss you for it. You were such a king, and a pleasure to talk to, but I think from jump you were playing super hard, and spreading stuff back and forth which I think got a lot of early attention on you? So I think when info spread about the Budva idol being found, and about the Mitch vote, people found that frustrating and wanted you out, which played onto my own fears of you playing hard, so I got on board. With that said, I was genuinely very sorry on a personal level to see you go, as I know you had a lot more game in you, and I look forward to seeing you play another game, because you defo DEFO should.

Benj - You were one of my favs from the start and was hoping to go further with you but unfortunately you got a bit too messy! Hope u can do well in future games tho!

Caeleb - The only thing I know about you is that Mitch said, “that’s what you get for targeting me” at your tribal. At least I think it was.

Ali - I LOVE YOU. I doubt you remember me also, but I remember talking to you during Tumblr Survivor: Solomon Islands, both your first season and one of the first seasons which I followed in this community. It was very full circle seeing you play this season, and I was super disappointed to see you go so early, but obviously OG Durmitor saw how iconic you were and didn’t want to compete!

Benj - WILLOW MY QUEEEEEEN. Literally the only person I was friends with before this season and it sucks that once again we never got to play with each other :(( After you left I knew I had to make it far for you I hope youre proud u were robbed!!

Caeleb - I am sad, I really liked Willow. She was undeniably sweet, and she really wanted to do better than her last time in Kuwait. I really wanted to help her out with that and when JJ told me to vote Willow and Willow wasn’t around to make a countermove I knew it was too late. BUT I miss Willow and her super sweet heart, and Benj and I talk about how we had to do well for her honor.

Tom - Robbed honestly kinda sad that u left but unfortunately that’s where majority went 😢

Ali - Okay this season has had many upsetting moments. However, I believe maybe the most upsetting was you sending the picture of the blue wig you wanted to wear in a lip sync challenge to the OG Budva tribe chat. Seeing you wear it the following round, and be sent home right after, was so upsetting, that wig was truly CURSED. You were also kinda cracked apparently, but we were gonna be fellow bad bitches of the tribe which I loved (I may have also voted for you one round but… let's forget about all that NNNN)

Benj - You were iconic in the music vid challenge but we just didn’t have as good of a connection that I found with the new Durmitors on the tribe which is why I ended up siding with them ://

Caeleb - Noah was some guy. He has a vibrant personality and had an interesting mentality towards survivor. It seemed like he was willing to make big moves, and to my favor that didn’t end up working out for him. Regardless, his strategy was unique and his energy was intense and colorful.

Ali - Okay… JJ, hnnngh let’s buckle in. First off, can I just say, apparently you showed your mum my intro, and she said I was a mess… so your mum gets me as a person. Otherwise… you were actually crazy, some highlights being when you wanted to call me when I was coming back from a night out with friends and with them in McDonalds at 5am, or when you wanted to call me 0.5 seconds after I left my prom. In general, while I found you super frustrating lowkey and didn’t particularly appreciate the pseudo-threats you made to my game, I know you genuinely mean well, and hearing stories about your activities in a car park aside, are a good soul really. Just… no more constant calls.

Caeleb - JJ was some kid. When he wanted to call every day in Durmitor I told my friends that I was going to be really upset if he beat me in this game, because I didn’t like that we were calling for hours on end every single day. However, he did include me in talks and was always kind to me, and it actually took me by surprise when I found out that everyone felt that same unease about him. I think that attests to his strength if he were to make it post-merge. Early on that creates a big target, but this could’ve come in as a strength long-term.

Tom - eek cracked legend, as much as you drove me up the wall with all your plans it was cool to reconnect since tengaged uhm say gday to your mum for me and just a tip for next time it’s a marathon not a sprint ❤️

Ali - You were the Siri to my Alexa. While I initially assumed you would potentially be first boot, you became… such a legend, and the way you would message me about votes, while terrifying was also iconic. I also heard you were recruited by Dennis, who is also a king, so if Dennis stans, we do too. Apparently you kind of disappeared/gave up, which is a shame, since I think Siri could’ve fought on and been amazing.

Benj - Challenge beast!! You always put in the best effort that I have seen in chals and sad u vanished at the end hope ur ok!

Caeleb - We had some really fun discussions about his gaming career and the different gaming communities he’s apart of. I honestly thought our connection was pretty friendly and enjoyable, I kinda wish we had kept up our communication after the Noah vote.

Ali - Evan, you were a really sweet guy and on a personal level, I loved talking to you. I think your fate was somewhat sealed by you telling JJ he was going to go home the first swap round, in that it kinda eroded trust in you, and alienated you from the other six members of the tribe. With that said, I do want to apologise to you, for not being around during the second day of the challenge where we had to unscramble the names of the survivor players, and for not helping out enough; it was clear that challenge would determine your fate, and I wish I had done more.

Caeleb - This boy was an icon. I do think he was kinda robbed. Sure, he was paranoid, but TS is just a cluster-f of emotions so like who can blame him. He made crazy connections and always told people that they were his number one. Honestly, I believed him when we were on the same tribe. Either he was goofing me just as he was everyone else, or he actually did trust me. I hope it was the latter!

Tom - oh Evan you really uhm got unlucky with this vote off, I feel like you were so good in the game just unfortunately loyalty kicked your ass :( it was lovely meeting you and hearing about you and your gf cute ass relationship

Ali - Okay, as you said to me, I definitely, definitely have some explaining to do. I genuinely loved our personal conversations throughout this game, but I also have felt since round two of this game, that you were a threat of astronomical proportions and needed to go sooner rather than later. Your win in the lists immunity challenge solidified this, and I consistently considered you a major threat through both the tail end of pre-swap and during the swap. When the merge vote happened, and an opportunity opened up to both remove you and separate you and Jason as a duo, it was an opportunity I had to capitalise on. I genuinely am so sorry for how dirty you were done, and I also hate that you weren’t even on jury, but I hope you can at least take something out of how well you played, while you were in the game.

Benj - Omg Ian I think that you think I voted you/knew about your vote off when really I had no idea you were one of my favs from the start to talk to and it sucks you left so soon before we got to truly play together :((

Caeleb - I got to chat with him for like 3 days, but he seemed like such a sweetheart. We couldn’t talk game because we were both being told that we were on the opposite side of the votes, and it seemed smart to stick with our respective groups. Regardless, our chats were pleasant, fun, and kind, and I honestly could have seen myself working with him throughout the season and going far with him if things were just different. We were pitted against each other, and sadly that’s the way it is

Tom - ahh bromigo honestly by far the most robbed of this season I’m so sad you couldn’t be apart of jury because you deserved it, I’m sure we’ll keep talking after this game and I just want to say thank you for being such an amazing ally and friend probably the person I enjoyed speaking too the most

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hopelesslylovesick · 7 years ago

Text

Perspective

07/15/17 || Cocaine

12:22 am

I just did my first line. I have the magnolia video going. I don’t know what’s going on....

12:29 am

Weeknd’s Reminder never sounded so good.

12:34 am

Going to do another line, I think I’ll properly start feeling it after I do.

I think I’m going to be binging weeknd for a bit.

Sort of fucked up but I’m looking so forward to being able to do my next line...fuck LOL

12:43 am

Time do another line, probably going to go do stuff for a bit right after.

1:20 am

I did a line earlier at 1, and did another one just now. Think I’m going to go through the True to Self album, I feel like it’s a dope vibe.

Also...I feel like I should have gone to the club with her tonight. How could I have left her on her own, trusting the people there to take care of her was a mistake...fuck I just hope she’s okay. She deserves to be happy. She really does.

I opened all the usual tumblr pages...I think I’m going to read old stuff again, that always helps somehow....

1:29 am

I’ve been reading her written posts on insta. I feel a little nauseous. Think I’ll do the line anyways, might numb it away......

Also, I’m probably going to end up reading again what she said to me that night when I told her everything... It seems to be almost a routine at this point....Fuck

Just did the line.

1:37 am

I feel so...strange. Not physically speaking but, just very....unsure? I don’t even know what to call this. Think I’ll do the line early and do it now.

Reading our old messages, the early ones where it was still a surprise to her for me to be the way I was....

Fuck, she just called me asking me where he is. She’s so drunk. I’m really praying someone is there to take care of her and make sure she’s okay...fuck I should have gone tonight.

I feel like looping Nevermind This Interlude. I also barely debated doing more lines. This is so fucked, fucking hell.....

1:51 am

Time to do a line.

Reading really old posts, like from the first couple months when I first met her. Also switched to Rolling Stone now.

I hope she’s okay

Haha that’s pretty funny in a weird, throwback kind of way. I totally forgot that the way I used to hint to her I wasn’t okay was telling her I was thinking whenever she asked me what I was up too. That seems like so long ago, yet not at the same time....

Switched to High for This

2:01 am

Not sure why, but felt like listening to it so switched to Keep the Family Close. Also going to do a line now.

Reading the messages when I was considering OD. It’s honestly pretty interesting to read these convos, gives a really peculiar feeling.

She’s been texting me every once in a while throughout the night about how she misses him...damn.

Drake’s Freak In You remix was a good choice.

2:12 am

Going to do a line now. Probably going to start listening to party for a bit now.

God...I found the messages of when I told her I knew and I instantly felt sick....That pain...that whole experience was something I don’t ever want to go through again.

2:23 am

Started listening to Ed like 5 minutes ago. She also just called, taking her friend home, so probably going to call her again to keep her company just in case. Also, going to do a line right now.

2:35 am

Did another line. I’m trying to make sure she’s okay but she’s not sober at all fucking hell.

2:44 am

Shit, I feel like she might have noticed that I’m not sober, or at the very least that somethings off when I called her. My voice didn't come out right because my throat is fucked. Hopefully she’s drunk enough to not remember this...

I should have fucking gone tonight, why is it that the one night I don’t go this happens, fucking hell I’m just going to always go now just in case.

2:47 am

Interesting, because I was listening to Ed for a bit, I’m listening to his Say It cover. I’m not mad tho, it’s so good anyways. Also going to do a line now probably. Also I’m praying either one of her friends finds her or she somehow gets home.

Fuck I can’t reach her. Also listening to Say You Won’t Let Go, but going to switch to You’re Beautiful now.

Holy shit, it’s amazing live. I think I like it better then the normal version, the acoustic vibe just fits the song perfectly.

Also, still super anxious about her.

I reached her, thank god. I think...

Also, I just went through a bunch of 2000s classics, like Jason Mraz’s Lucky and what not. Listening to You Found Me now haha.

Why won’t she pick up, wtf. I’m hoping so bad she’s okay. Hopefully she gets found soon. I’m so fucking worried, dammit.

I totally forgot about The Script’s Breakeven. This is definitely a classic as well.

2:58 am

Just switched to No Doubt. Felt like a different vibe. Going to do a line now as well.

God, this song is so good as well. Think I’ll listen to Creep next.

NEVERMIND, I just remembered Dido’s White Flag was a thing. This is actually a childhood throwback. Wow....that’s crazy. I feel like listening to Nickleback’s Photograph next, their old stuff was actually great, LOL

Gotta listen to Stan real quick before that, that chorus is the stuff of legends.

Forget Photograph, How You Remind Me is the real banger from them, so many memories associated with this single song. Just chilling in the old house’s basement as a kid. God, that was actually such a great time. Everything so much more simple....

Also haven’t been able to reach her for a bit now again, shit.

Listening to Creep now, it sounds so good. Think I’ll listen to the cover after this.

She was with the fuckboy from tinder. Really. Fucking hell. Fucking. Hell.

3:08 am

I’m doing a line.

Listening to Every Breath You Take now, idk why but yeah. God I’m lowkey so fucking annoyed. Holy shit. I want to like, beat the shit out of something LOL.

Okay, I’m going to try calm down. Cause being mad literally doesn’t do anything. I can’t do anything rn anyways. Listening to Musiq’s Love now, this song will definitely do the trick.

Old school R&B is actually one of the greatest things. It’s just so good. It’s both so emotional yet so sonically amazing as well. If anything, the fact that it’s still popular now and sampled by so many modern artists is a clear indication of it’s impact and how timeless it is. Think I’m going to listen to more old R&B. Probably start of with Ne-Yo or something.

On Boys II Men now, End of the Road is one of those classics that everyone just knows, but it’s also actually a good song at the same time. Another timeless song.

3:19 am

Haven’t heard from either of them for a bit now, getting anxious and worried again, fuck. Also on Tamia’s Officially Missing You, the original never sounded this good to me, it’s so smooth. Think I’ll still listen to the cover though, but goddamn is this good.

Also, going to do a line now.

I listened to the studio version of the cover for a bit, but I feel like live could be better so switched. Oh it’s definitely better, in some ways at least. Feels more intimate, more personal.

Well I just emptied whatever was left int he bag, which wasn’t much to be honest. This is so fucked. Also think I’m going to listen to Taeyang song, then GD’s. Youtube suggested pulling through hard right now.

3:29 am

Why have none of them updated me, holy shit I hope everything is okay...

Listening to GD’s That XX, probably going to switch the song when I do a line though. Speaking of which, I have the last 3 set up now. I already know I’m going to lowkey crave more once I finish it. Whatever....

Went with Sam Smith’s Lay Me Down. It’s....I don’t know what to call what I’m feeling, but it’s almost putting things into perspective, in a weird sort of way.

3:31 am

Doing a line now.

Listening to I’m Not The Only One now....it just feels right to now...

Holy shit I just realized how much I texted her. I think it’s fine though, shouldn’t make her too suspicious. She is lost downtown late at night after all. It’s an appropriate response....

Just finished reading all of our conversation from when I told her. I left off near the end earlier and forgot. I don’t know how I feel. Probably because of the numbness. Also been listening to When I Was Your Man. Think I’ll switch soon though.

I don’t know if it’s the coke or I’m just remembering wrong, but a lot of songs seem to be faster then I remember. Like the one I’m listening to right now, Stay.

Also, I feel strangely sober, like super awake, although that’s definitely the coke doing that LOL. Like a 99.99999% chance that it’s the blow.

I see why people love Love On The Brain so much, it’s pretty good. Not amazing though. Now I feel like listening to Rihanna’s best hits.

Take a Bow is such a throwback, holy.

Suddenly just got the urge to listen to Halo. Probably will go to Adele after this.

3:41 am

Time to do another line. Going to turn up Halo a bit more, this song needs to be heard in a way that it feels like it’s just fulfilling.

Just set up the last line, as in gathering all the stray stuff around it. I’m really hoping she’s okay...fucking hell. He’s not responding either.

Took a quick detour and listening to No One right now. Also, I’m pretty much fully convinced the white is making the songs feel like they have a faster beat they they really do. No way No One was this fast.

3:46 am

And now it’s time for the end. Listening to Someone Like You right now. Think I’ll switch to the live version soon though. It’s just so good. Feels so much more real, genuine, so much more personal. It also sounds better in some parts I feel like.

3:52 am

She just called me and told me how it wasn’t supposed to be like this, how he was genuinely unhappy. How she felt so dirty. What can I do. What am I supposed to do. Fucking hell. I’m going to play the live version now and just do the last line. I wish I had more. Might even drink...

3:58 am

I should have done the line a bit ago, but I feel like I should wait for the right moment. It just feels like the right thing to do...

I hope she really does call back...

Also I think she might suspect something, not surprised tbh. I told her I’m tired and I’m still up, just doesn't really add up....

4:00 am

She just called, she’s all good and safe. Thank god. Time to end off my night too I guess...if I even can.

Did the line, the end is always a weird feeling. I’m debating if I should listen to this one more time and try to gather my thoughts like I used too. That was originally the point after all...

4:12 am

She just texted me “how the fuck u know”

I don’t know what she means by that....hopefully nothing bad. Actually now that I think about it I’m pretty sure I know what it’s about. If it’s what I’m thinking everything’s all good, at least to a certain extent I guess.

4:33 am

She just called, she’s definitely bothered, and has a lot on her mind. She asked to text, I’m guessing because there’s other people around.

5:30 am

I just had a massive conversation with her. Haven’t been that deep and real with her in a really long time. It’s a strange feeling, but really familiar at the same time. Oh, I thought she fell asleep but I guess not. She just texted me she’s going to cry. Fuck. I hope she listens to me and calls me.

5:50 am

Still talking to her, I think. Yeah she’s still awake I’m pretty sure. I’ve constantly been asking her, pushing her to tell me, or at least decide. She finally did, cause her phones about to die so maybe that’s why haha, but she decided. She decided that she doesn’t want to leave him.

If I’m being honest, I can’t say I’m happy with what she decided. Of course I’m not, how could I be. But, it’s what she wants, what she genuinely wants, so I’m going to do my best to help her in any way I can like I always have been...

I find that lately I’ve been wondering, asking myself randomly why I’m still here. Why I’m still there for her as much as I am. I can’t say it’s just because she’s a friend, I don’t think any friend would do as much as I do, not even bragging, just how it is. I know I care for her a lot, that has never changed, and honestly dont think it ever will. She’s someone I just genuinely want to be happy, whatever that is. But...I can’t help but think, wonder every once in a while, if I do this out of love. Obviously I love her. You can love people platonically. People like close friends and family. People who you have a sort of unconditional love for, who you would do nearly anything, if not everything to make sure they’re happy.

But, it’s hard, it’s really hard to figure out where the line is between loving someone and being in love with someone. I know it’s probably the first, it makes the most sense, and it can’t and shouldn’t be any other way. I dont know why I’m starting to get confused about this again, although if I’m being honest with myself it’s probably because I’m trying to figure out what I feel for the other girl. I barely know her, but I feel like there might be potential? I don’t know what I’m saying anymore....

Lately, it seems more and more frequently....I’ve had the urge to just tell it all, tell her how I’ve felt, how I feel now, and everything I’ve ever thought. Everything I’ve ever thought and had to go through and endure and pretend was fine in order to maintain this precious relationship I have with her. This is, and can be enough for me. I can be happy with being her close friend. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t get the urge for more then just that every once in a while. Hell....it might be possible that urge is always there, but I’ve just subconsciously learned to suppress it, and shove it all the way into the deepest corner of my mind so I can’t ever stumble upon it...

Coke, for as terrible as it is for all the obvious reasons, really does help me express all my feelings, properly, nothing held back. I don’t know if what I did tonight was a good thing to be honest, I can’t say I don’t have doubts about what I said, about the possible repercussions of it. But... I think it was better to say it then not. At least now, when it’s still not too late.....

I think that’s the main reason why I hate him so much. I couldnt really put a reason on it, because I wasnt sure myself, just knew only what I felt... But I think it’s because of what I thought what feels like a time so long ago... That he’s insanely lucky, to me extremely fortunate to have someone like her in love with him. Someone like her who would do anything for him. Someone who is amazing in every way.... I don’t know what I feel for her. I honestly don’t. Realistically, I’m probably going to sleep and wake up today totally disregarding all the things I just poured out. I know everything I said is the honest truth, I really dont believe that it’s anything but.

But....I just can’t say it, maybe I’m too much of a coward, maybe I waited too long and now it’s too late, or maybe I just dont really feel that way and Im just confused about my feelings. None of that matters in the end though, because you just cant go back after something like that.... Who knows, maybe you could, but I honestly would rather not risk it and keep what I have with her. It’s that exact reason that makes me doubt my “feelings,” makes me think I’m delusional. Because if you really love someone,...shouldn’t you want them at any cost? Or is it really love because I’m doing what’s at least best for her, what would make her happiest? I honestly don’t know. It’s something I dont think I’ll ever truly know how I truly feel about it unless I confront her and tell her everything.... Just have to find the right time I guess. But...I already know her answer. Doesn’t matter if I tell her now or later. She won’t ever be in love with me, and that’s why I think I haven’t done anything yet.

Because at the end of the day she doesnt love me, and I dont think she ever will.

So I need to move past it however way I can and be the most that I can be for her.

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