#also I can count the bad days I've had the past two months on less than one hand

[1hellofacookie]

this has nothing to do with my art but bare with me

[ This is a ramble about my mental health and how much better it has recently gotten. ]

so, I think I've finally made it through my depression? Like. The past two months were the the happiest of my life, I've never felt better. And it made me realise a lot of things.

What makes me think that I've put my depression behind me is the fact that I'm no longer seeing the world filtered though that cloud of... sad. The cloud of sad that while you're depressed you don't even know doesn't exist for others. At least that's what's the case for me. I thought everyone is able to feel this shit and others just feel a little less shit.

While talking to my friend about this I came up with an analogy; it feels like you've been wearing a backpack all your life thats filled to the brim with the heaviest of rocks and you go about life believing that others just have less rocks in their backpacks and your challenge is to find a way to carry it better or get rid of some rocks. Only for you to find out that the others don't even carry a backpack at all.

I'm only 18 and I've been struggling with depression for the past few years. I can't pinpoint since when exactly, but I just know that it's incredibly hard to remember a time without it. Which makes sense, I barely remember anything about my childhood, especially not my feelings, and my teenage years were consumed by the big sad. So I have absolutely no frame of reference what life without that numbness feels like.

Meaning, everything I experience right now is so new. I did not know life could feel like this. It makes sense now that people say all those clichés to people who struggle with depression. They can't imagine what it's like. It's not the same scale you're on.

I finally get to hope. I wake up and am excited for the day, I experience bad things and get to just shrug them off, knowing that it'll get better. Things will happen in my future and I'm not happy about them but I get to go "huh yeah that will suck. It'll be fine tho. Let's see how I get through that" , and my brain thinks that automatically.

I was so weirded out when I caught myself thinking that way. It's entirely unfamiliar to me.

I get to be so. damn. happy. I'm so new to all of this. I've never felt this way before.

I get to experience negative emotions entirely different as well. They don't hit nearly the same way they did before. It's not that they don't cut deep, it's not that I don't feel them because I certainly do. But they feel different. Easier to touch, easier to handle, not as devastating, as crushing. I'm looking at everything from a very different perspective.

Looking at everything like this it makes so much sense that people, like, live. Of course you get up every day because yes, it's so worth it. I see that now too. I'm so sorry that I didn't before.

My final year of school has just started and I've been so scared of everything that comes with it the past few years. But I feel ready to take on the challenge, and it's a feeling I cannot even describe. I cannot yet grasp that I'm even feeling that. But I'm so grateful that I get to experience it. All of this.

Everything still feels a little like I've been thrown into cold water every now and then because of the novelty, because for the first time I actually get to be human, get to live. And that right when life is supposed to start with all the other new firsts. I do mourn the fact that I didn't get to live all my life like this a little but I also find a surprising amount of compassion within myself for past little me.

I still haven't found the words to describe all this properly but that won't stop me from trying, so prepare for maybe a couple more posts like this one (though hopefully not that long).

I really, really hope that the big sad does actually leave me alone for now. It's not entirely gone, it's still flaring up every now and then, but not nearly as severely as before, and I'm more than fine if it stays this way.

This post got so much longer than I expected it to, I am so sorry. But there were some anons a long time ago (I think is actually been two years already) that told me they wish for a time where I'm not hurting anymore. And if they're still here and following me, I just want them to know that that time's here now. I've stopped hurting. I'm finally healing, properly.

If you did actually read the whole post, thank you, I love you <3

[usedpidemo]

a tale of two (concert) halves... (storytime!)

I've made it clear over the past few updates that my real life struggles have really backed us into a corner. If the first half of 2024 was on hard difficulty, the second half has so far been on brutal. Personal relationships are falling apart, our physical health has been going through hell, and our finances are struggling to keep up with ever increasing debts. As much as I am a man of faith, I do struggle with maintaining such devout trust on the daily, because I am afraid of the worst.

But even during these tough times, it's comforting to know I won't be left for dead, and I can still find enjoyment in them.

Not gonna lie, I thought I would never attend a concert this year. IVE was coming back after a little over a year, but I didn't have money for it (and is something I still struggle to move on from). ITZY was coming back less than eight months when I saw them, but no Lia, and the ticket selling was insanely early (fuck you Live Nation). The only other girl group I think came here was fromis_9, which I still would love to see, but that was for a festival, so the setlist was extremely limited—and it was during finals week, so that was not gonna happen. There's just been an overall downturn of concerts compared to last year, so whether or not this is a good thing, you decide. (Seriously, no aespa, no (G)I-DLE, no NMIXX, etc.)

However—here comes Red Velvet, one of the holy trinity of 3rd gen girl groups (TwicePinkVelvet), celebrating their 10th anniversary with an Asia tour. By some miracle, I got a stimulus check two months ahead of my birthday, and yet it was still a hard decision, because I wasn't sure if other girl groups would also tour near the end of the year. Looking at what's to come for the last quarter of the year, I highly doubt it and 2025 is sure to be stacked, so it all paid off in retrospect.

It was a completely different experience than the first two outings. For one, it was fucking standing floor over seated, so I knew my body would be put through the torture rack. Second was the unpredictability of where I would end up—thankfully it wasn't first come first serve where I would be forced to camp early (which by the way, concert campers are disgusting and should be arrested). Still, my positioning would depend on my queuing number (which in itself was dependent on when you would buy your ticket, and obviously unless you got into the site as soon as it loaded up, the earlier), and while it wasn't completely shit—it still meant that a majority would get their preferred spot over mines.

Cut to the actual concert day and it was a tale of two halves. The first was the pre-concert, which wasn't all bad at the start—but then there was the queuing before entering the venue. I could have easily waited and taken my sweet time exploring and doing other shit, but I was pressured to queue early out of fear of not getting a good spot. I forgot that since it was queuing numbers, they would rearrange the line anyway, so I never really had a chance lmao. I really shot myself in the foot quite literally by adding an extra two hours standing around.

Everyone in VIP was given a bonus member card, and I didn't end up getting my bias. I tried bartering with other fans, but I absolutely failed. To add insult to injury, everyone else were able to trade and/or get theirs, so that fucking sucks.

It was also the first time I was forced to wear some kind of noise control for my ears. Didn't really have earplugs but Airpods were certainly a nice alternative. Fucking hell—this was the loudest of the three crowds I've ever been a part of, and it doesn't help that the audience would screech and shout out of tune. It was so goddamn annoying. Then you get to the ments/speeches, and they would just fucking bark and make monkey noises while the members were talking, and after performances. I counted a total of 12-14 times this happened throughout, and it never got any better. If the members weren't encouraging the audience, I'd probably have socked someone in the nose out of annoyance at some point.

As for the overall concert itself, I had a blast! I'm not that familiar with Red Velvet's colorful discography, but they performed most of their hits and title tracks (ripperoni Russian Roulette and Chill Kill). Not only that, but the set ran for almost 3 hours (2 hours 50 minutes as they did start like 10 minutes past schedule), and the energy persisted all throughout. Wendy was constantly flaunting her vocals, but Joy. Joy was absolutely fucking insane. Also, the fucking Zimzalabim encore is something everyone needs to experience once in their lifetime.

I wish I could say the pain was all worth it—but of course, life being life, it decides to fuck with me one more fucking time with the middle finger. After the show ended, we were all told to stay in our spots for the send-off event as everyone else were escorted out and the raffle winners from lower seating tiers were pulled in. We waited for 40 minutes, and then the members come out. It should be a cool moment! Except they were led by staff straight to the extended stage for a bit and then they'd get off, completely neglecting the sides, where me and a few others were. They would eventually go around the venue, but by the time we realized what has happening, it was too late—we never got to see them up close properly.

I'll be honest, while I don't feel as bothered thinking about it a few days on, when it happened, it almost ruined the entire experience for me. The organizers/staff had misdirected us and didn't organize properly, so some of us got a lesser experience than those who won the raffle, which is worse for us since we paid more. The send-off treatment here was way—way worse than in Bangkok and Jakarta, and it fucking pisses me off. We can't have shit in this country. I don't blame the girls for it; they were just following instructions and they had a flight to catch shortly after (not to mention they were tired as fuck). Still, the fact I paid so much for that underwhelming send-off experience just reinforces my opinion that hi-touches are simply better. At least everyone gets a fair shot, even if it was very brief. You can't win them all, I guess. I also do believe that it was bound to happen, the first two experiences were near-perfect and flawless in execution, so something had to give to bring me back down to earth.

Nevertheless, even if for just a few hours, it's nice to find some comfort and enjoyment despite the world around me crumbling down. To think that they're 10 years on and still as active as their younger contemporaries in K-pop is astounding. I can see why they're among the most beloved girl groups ever; there's only a handful with equal the talent and discography to match. This was also my first outing with a new camera, and when it was hitting, the shots were fucking hitting.

I really wish Bamboleo was part of the set tho.

[whitepine-estate]

Okay, so this theory is partially based on VEX1N's Whitepine theory.

I'm gonna start with the most normal part, and the part that can most easily be taken as kinda a mini theory. Basically Pyroscythe has tuberculosis. All the symptoms line up (coughing, vomiting, etc) and Whitepine's a period drama, TB is pretty common in those and adjacent genres, plus was an actual threat back then.

Now onto the more insane part. Okay so one of the things that VEX1N points out is how the wound on Mysti's neck resembles a bite mark. TB was also associated with vampires and vampire attacks in the past. When Mysti asks Pyro if he had a bad dream, another symptom of vampire attacks, he dodges the question. I'm saying that the killer in Whitepine is a vampire. This is out there I know that, but hear me out. (most of the evidence for this comes from both the New England Vampire Panic, and Dracula, also random bits of vampire lore I've heard)

First things first, there's pretty clearly something wrong with those woods. All the shots lingering on them, the ominous sound design, there's something off. When Pyro is staring out his window, we see that his room seems closer to the woods than other spaces in the house. This means that if something malicious were in those woods, he'd be the easiest person to get to. The camera is also always in some kind of corner when Pyro's alone, almost like its stalking him.

Mrs. Hemlock is pretty clearly dead. It's implied she's been dead for a while (or at least a few months) given no one mentions her and her piano is in the basement. While I can't prove she's a vampire, at least not from ep 1 alone, its plausible. If we do go with the "Pyro's TB is caused by a vampire" theory, then that does point to Mrs. Hemlock being the cause as it was thought that if one family member fell to vampirism, more would soon follow. She'd also circumvent the whole "needing to be invited" thing cause it was her house.

While this is the part I'm even less sold on, it could also tie back to Ivory. Her habits remind me of two bits of vampire lore. The first one is how if you spill poppy seeds in front of a vampire they'll stop and need to count them all. While its more specific than what she does, it fits how she follows things to the letter. Does this mean I think Ivory's a vampire? No, I think she might be a dhampir. Dhampirs are half vampires, they can live like normal people and don't get burned by sunlight. However, in some superstitions they have "a dark mark on the back like a tail." While Ivory's tail isn't particularly dark, it felt wrong to not call it out.

The second thing it reminds me of is how, in Dracula, vampires can control people through force-feeding them their blood. This could also explain Ivory's weird way of carrying out orders.

I'll admit the Ivory stuff is probably the weakest part of the theory, overall it relies a little too much on obscure lore, but when I heard there was a possibility it could be a monster, I couldn't not mention vampires. I'm almost 100% certain Pyro has TB though.

idk if we're allowed to sign off but in case we are -🌊 anon

(Yup! Sign offs are completely allowed!)

As a lover of vampires, I adore this theory so so much - Plus, I’ve become a bit fond of Pyro too over the past few days.

I don’t honestly have anything to add, this is great plus I love the explanation behind Pyro’s vomiting and that he’s the easiest to get to from the forest to absolute bits - Would love to hear more thoughts on this theory. Particularly on your theory of how she might’ve died after acquiring vampirism!

[despairforme]

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

[ Oh man this post got long (and surprisingly serious) fjfjfjffjjf I wrote this 2 days ahead of time because I was so excited about it ahahaha --- I'm wishing you all a wonderful 2024!!!!!

2023 was a year of surprising development for me. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, or if I'm simply moving into a different mindset. I loved this year! It was awesome, and I'm so happy to see that I've written MORE for Nnoitra this year than I did in 2022 ( even though my overall word-count went down from 290 000 to 280 000 ). I can't say I completed many of my goals ( or any of them LOL ). I had lots of goals for 2023, but I was unable to complete them. The past few months, especially, have brought forth big changes in my creative flow and focus.

I've realized that I need to change my priorities, to better fit my new mindset.

Roleplaying is no longer going to be my main focus. In the past, whenever I've wanted to write, I've always focused on finishing drafts, asks ect. I've mostly written on here, since that's what I prefer. Or, rather - what I used to prefer. This is not to say I don't have muse for Nnoitra, because I always feel inspired for him. What's changed are my priorities. I've come to the conclusion that what's important to me is creating stories. Since Nnoitra's story ( main verse ) has become so stagnant, it feels less important to me. I know I can drive the story on, push it forward and thus find it important once more, but - I don't want to do that. I want to create my own, original stories instead. Becoming a professional writer has always been my dream, and that's simply not possible to do when I'm prioritizing rping. Roleplaying is going to have to take the backseat.

--- That being said, I'm absolutely not quitting! I can't imagine myself not writing for Nnoitra, so I'll be writing on here like before, and I'll even try to be more consistent. An enemy of mine in 2023 has been procrastination. One of my goals for 2024 is to conquer this, so that I can be more efficient with my time. I think that by dedicating less time to roleplay, I'll be more efficient when I do sit down and write for my muses. My activity the past few months have been spotty, so I'd love to get into a better flow.

2024 GOALS:

FOCUS ON PERSONAL PROJECTS. I have a lot of them. Two (three?) book projects, two long OC-centered fanfictions.

WRITE FANDOM PROJECTS. I have a lot of ideas for fanfictions, and I want to make the time to write them. Some are long, some are short. Getting feedback on my stories has always been a great feeling, and fanfiction is the best way to get that serotonin.

CHANGE MY WRITING HABITS. My habits are bad. They lead to a ton of procrastination and wasted time. I want to be more structured when it comes to my writing time (and my time in general, but especially my writing time). I want to stick to schedules, word-count goals, page goals ect. Conquering procrastination is going to be key.

CONSISTENT RP POSTING. Even though I won't be focusing on roleplaying, I still intend to do it regularly and get replies and asks out in a more timely manner. I'll probably set off some time in the evening to get replies done, and have some fun on the dash when others are online. I'll try to be consistent across my blogs, not just on Nnoitra.

CREATE THINGS THAT ARE PHYSICAL. I've come to realize that I love things that translate to the real world. Not just words on a screen, or a digital artwork, but things that you can touch. It's why I've absolutely fallen in love with watercolor painting. I'm going to try to print some of my writing work so that I have physical copies. I'm also going to print my art so that I can hold it in real life.

FIND A SHIP FOR NNOITRA. It's been so long since I wrote a ship for him, and I need it back in my life. I've been looking for a ship for him the whole time, but I need to put more effort in, and let him interact with more characters, as well as continue to develop the relationships he does have ( in case one of them turns romantic? ). I'd love for 2024 to be the year Nnoitra falls in love again.

I am SUPER excited for 2024! I love new years and fresh starts, and I feel so incredibly inspired by the changes in my mindset. I feel like I've been stuck for a good while with rping. Don't get me wrong, I've loved every second of it, and I've learnt so much about writing - and met the most amazing people. It's just that it's time for a change. Time for me to create other kinds of stories. I thought that things were aligned for me to write books last year, but I really didn't have the right mindset - but now I do! I'm hyped!! Hope you're ALL going to have the most amazing 2024 guys!! ]

[sugalaritae]

take two (ot7)

summary: It has been the absolute-no-good-terrible-fucking-shit-bitch-cock-sucking week from hell and all you want to do is be alone. That's what you want. Right?

pairing: ot7 + gn reader friendship (a little hit at maybe yoongi x reader)

genre: a little angst. a lot of fluff

au: slice of life, non!idol

rating: 18+

word count: 1530

warnings: swearing and the mention of needing to smoke a joint. reader's mental health is not great, self-loathing, negative thoughts, loneliness. but don't worry the guys are there to comfort them.

author’s note: i was not having a good night tonight. locked in my loneliness and listening to 'take two' (how fucking good is that song?!) and i decided i need to let out all my feelings into a fic. plus, i've wanted to write a little ot7 + reader fic for festa!! this is only very lightly edited. i love you all and i hope you're having a good month. happy 10 years to this glorious band of men whom i love so very much and thank you!!

It has been the absolute-no-good-terrible-fucking-shit-bitch-cock-sucking week from hell and all you want to do is down a very large glass of cold water, shower in scalding hot water for perhaps too long, get dressed in your rattiest holiest (and comfiest) pair of sweatpants the baggy bambie tshirt you got from the discount racks at H&M, curl up on your bed, and smoke a joint before you fall asleep. 

Hopefully your neighbours won’t complain about the smell but quite frankly you don’t give a crap if they do. If anything else goes wrong then it will just be par for the shitty course. And you can blame it on Hoseok and Yoongi like you did last time. Though, the last time was their fault but that is neither here nor there. 

Your phone buzzes in your pocket. You ignore it. You know it’s going to be Jimin or Namjoon asking if you’re okay. Again. You had needed a break from the group chat and apparently that was “concerning behaviour” (Jimin) and was worth a “check-in because everyone has bad weeks but you don’t need to lock yourself away” (Namjoon). The thing is that you are sure you do want to lock yourself away. The last few days of work stress which, of course, was accompanied by existential dread and wondering if this really was your choice in life or if you had fallen into this career path because of capitalism, or, if maybe, this was just okay because you could at least afford to pay for the thing you did love doing; your nephew’s birthday party was coming up, add onto that with the fact that your parents were aging far too quickly for your liking, and you were suddenly carrying a dark cloud on your shoulders that seemed to be made of nothing but negativity and you wanted to lock yourself away from everything. 

You wanted to give into the doubt and self-hatred that had taken advantage of all the self-care doors you had forgotten to close during the week and let yourself fall into the belief that all of your friendships, no matter how small, hated you.

So, yeah, you were going to ignore Namjoon and Jimin’s concerned text messages and you were going to fall asleep alone and wake up to hopefully a better day with less everything but more croissants and coffee. 

You felt bad for the ignoring and you knew that maybe you should let them reassure you that you were doing okay but hadn’t your therapist told you that self-assurance was more important than reaching out for reassurance? (She had also said that it was okay to reach out but you were ignoring that.)

You tapped your earbuds three times and skipped past the next several songs until you heard the familiar notes of a song that Yoongi had sent you just the other day with a text that had read: heard this and thought of you. You leaned your head back against the bus window and closed your eyes, hands wrapped tightly around the backpack on your lap as you let the music and the voice of the singer invade your head, swirling around and turning the volume of the lyrics on high until they drowned out all the evil words of the negative voices. 

You wonder, for the seventh time this week, why Yoongi thought of you. The two of you haven’t seen each other in person and you’ve not had the energy or nerves to text him asking why he thought of you while he listened to that song, but you have a mental post-it note to do so when your head is a little less foggy. 

Spotify selects the next song for you and the familiar strum of guitar starts. It’s a song you’ve listened to many times but suddenly the lyrics are for you. Written for you and your week. You try your best to stop the tears, wishing them back into your body, but they don’t listen and instead they fall slowly down your cheeks as you bend your head and bring the backpack closer to your face so you can cry quietly into the waxed canvas. 

Ten minutes later, a little embarrassment from standing up with red eyes and wet cheeks as you walked down the aisle of the bus to the door, a little forced pride still lingering as you pretend that you hadn’t just been crying on the bus, you walk up the stairs to your apartment. Your key sticks, as it always does, and you take a breath because you’ve already cried once in a public space and you’re definitely not going to be caught by the Ajumma who lives two doors down, because she will definitely ask you a million questions and you want to be left alone. 

That’s what you want, right? A soft voice asks somewhere deep in the recesses of your brain. Trying to grab your attention amidst the sadness. 

Finally the lock works and you open the door to seven pairs of shoes that are chaotically paired in your entrance. Your heart skips a little as you hesitantly take out your earbuds and the sounds filling your apartment hit you like a wave. 

There is music playing (jazz? Laufey maybe? It sounds like Laufey…), Taehyung’s deep voice singing along, the stove fan, what sounds like a metal utensil hitting a metal bowl in fast succession, and Hoseok’s loud wonderful laugh floating above it all. 

Toeing off your shoes and quietly setting down your backpack you walk gingerly down the short hall and around the wall into your kitchen. They must not have heard you struggle with the lock because they’re all busy and in their own worlds. Seokjin is throwing a small strand of spaghetti at the wall and watching it stick, Jungkook is mixing something that looks an awful lot like whipped cream with a whisk and not with your hand-mixer, Yoongi stands over the stove with chopsticks in hand staring down at the contents in your cast iron pan (a sauce of some kind), Namjoon and Taehyung are dancing together in your living room (some horrible version of the waltz), while Hoseok and Jimin are huddled over what looks like a small cake. 

Jungkook is the first one to notice you as he releases the whisk and massages his arm, face curled up in a wince. That is until he notices you and his fingers still. 

“You’re here!” he says with a smile before he looks around at the rest of the guys.

“I live here.”

Slowly, one-by-one the men glance up from their tasks and give you bright smiles. 

“Taehyung-ah!” Yoongi calls, “turn down the music. They’re here!” 

The music quiets and you give Namjoon and Taehyung a small wave, slowly turning to the rest of the kitchen. 

“What’s going on?” you ask. 

A smile threatens the corners of Yoongi’s lips as Jimin answers, “we’re here to make your week better.” There’s concern written on Jimin’s brow and your heart threatens to weep at that. 

“That’s…that’s not your-”  you start because it isn’t their job and they need to be reminded of this in case they’re doing this out of some sort of weird obligation to you and your sad brain.

“No, but we wanted to,” Namjoon says softly as he leans against the doorframe, arms crossing in front of him and you start to feel a warmth slowly start to slip through your chest. The clouds in your head parting just a little. “We’re happy to.” 

“Oh.”

“Now, go and change while we finish up,” Seokjin says commandingly, pulling a smile across your face as you nod. 

“Yes, sir.”

You turn to start your walk to your bathroom before you pause and look at Jungkook. 

“There’s a hand mixer in the bottom drawer beside the sink,” you say with a pointed finger. 

Hoseok’s laugh erupts filling the room and your smile spreads to a grin as you see Jungkook’s eyes go wide as he explodes “HYUNG! You said you didn’t see one!” 

Yoongi shrugs and gives you a wink, a soft smirk tugging up into his cheeks, before he turns back to the sauce in front of him.

Forty-five minutes later you’re curled up on your couch, full of pasta and cake. The warmth of Yoongi’s sweater under your cheek, Jungkook resting his head against your knee as he sits on the floor with Jimin, Taehyung, and Hobi. Namjoon has his arm around Yoongi’s shoulders with his hand resting on the top of your head like a comforting weight. Seokjin sits in a chair beside the couch watching the rather horrible and wonderful drama that everyone is watching. 

You’re not alone. Your friends love you. 

The negative voices lied. 

“Hey,” you whisper and you can feel Yoongi shift a little to look at you. 

“Hmm?”

“Thanks for the song.” 

You can’t see it but you know that he’s smiling that soft and kind smile he gets when he’s done something right. 

“Of course. I’ll send you more.” 

The negative voices lied. 

This is better than being alone.  

You’re not alone and your friends love you. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

author's note pt2: thank you for reading!!! in my head the song that yoongi sent to the reader was 'mama saturn' by tanerélle. fill in any song for the second one that spoke to the reader. remember that the negative voices lie to you.

[becoming-happy-for-myself]

Day 75 / 75 Soft 🍁

Starting Weight: 72,3 kg / 159 lbs

Last weeks Weight: 70,3 kg / 155 lbs

Current Weight: 69,3 kg / 153 lbs (- 3 kg / 6 lbs since the beginning)

Altough I finished the program two weeks ago, I still want to share my results!

⚖️ : I lost 3 kg / 6 lbs in the span of 2 and a half months. And I think that's the slowest and most sustainable weightless I've ever experienced. Grateful that I showed myself that I could be consistent in working out or rather moving my body for 75 days in a row 🙏🏻

🚰 : The 3 liters of water didn't bother me at the beginning at all. Through the 75 days I had a lot of days where I would drink the 3 liters and be fine, others I would really struggle with drinking that much water (especially when I only went for a walk as my workout). So I don't think 3 liters is the perfect amount of water for me, it just varies depending on the day I had. I loved that I've been drinking way less sugary drinks in that time, because my primary goal was always to finish up my water intake first. So that's definitely a good thought to keep in mind going forward! 💧

🏃🏻‍♀️ : I've stuck to my 3 main ways of moving my body: elliptical/crosstrainer, walking and a (light) full body workout via Ringfit Adventure on the switch. And I realized that I was able to stay consistent because I enjoyed all of those 3 activities! It didn't take a lot of convincing myself mentally each day to do those things - and that made it so much easier for me. Another thing that I learned in this journey 💪🏻 Side note: It's also a really rewarding feeling when I could up the level on the elliptical/crosstrainer or my workout game, because it showed me that there is progress that I didn't necessarily recognize each day!

🍓 : The healthy diet was the hardest part for me. Especially the snacking. I feel like I have a good roster of pretty healthy recipes (considering what I ate the years before) for my main meals. The snacking is where still have no control I feel like. So the days it felt the easiest for me were the days that I knew we didn't have anything "bad" in the house, and instead had fruits or other healthier alternatives. I'm super grad I didn't decide to count calories (like I did in the past), because I get so fixated on that. It just takes so much effort every day and therefore isn't sustainable to me. So even though my weightloss has been slow, I'm happy I was able to do it without counting calories. Overall my diet is still a big area for me where I can work on and improve, there's always new healthy recipes to find and try out 🥗

📖 : Love love loved the reading 10 minutes every day. I will keep that habit and I am actively looking for new books to read, and I want to grow my phsysical book collection! This challenge reminded my why I loved reading so much as a child... And I'm very happy to have found that love again 📚

Conclusion: I loved this challenge. I showed myself that I can do hard things. And I taught me that I don't have to be extreme to reach my goals. It really is the little habits that change out daily life, it's the consistency in doing what you said you were going to do. Can't recommend this challenge enough honestly. I'm going to share my New Years Resolutions in another post, so keep an eye out for that ✨

[so-long-soldier-writes]

One Month Later

kai parker x bonnie bennett

the long overdue sequel to Seventy-Two Hours with Kai Parker (here) (ao3)

summary: one month after the wedding and the bond brings some challenges bonnie's not sure she's ready to tackle. luckily, kai is there to help her through it.

tags: dubcon relationship, love / sex spell, bonding, weird coven lore, panic attacks, pregnancy, small line of kai mentioning su1cide as a solution to his problems, heretic mentions

word count: 3.1k

a/n: I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this chapter, but I've rewritten it three times and this is the best draft. I'm trying to still follow the original request, while writing up to the expectations of the readers who loved the first chapter, so I hope it's well-liked! Also, this could, potentially, have a 3rd chapter. It was supposed to be a one-shot, then it became 2 chaptered, but now it could be 3. Depends on the will of the people (my readers).😄

A month later, Bonnie’s friends are still having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that she’s dating Kai Parker, of all people. Damon, especially, is flabbergasted. Elena, Matt, and Stefan are perturbed. And Alaric and Tyler and their respective girlfriends have had trouble speaking to Bonnie at all. On a good note, Caroline did pull her aside once and sympathize with the young witch, reminiscing on her fling with Klaus, but aside from her, no one’s even tried to understand. 

The girl can’t seem to get why. She knows his bad past, knows he did a lot of harm and wrecked a lot of havoc, but who in Mystic Falls hasn’t at some point? Since the wedding, Kai’s treated her well. Scratch that, he’s treated her like a princess. He’s had less instances of outbursts and has begun to listen to her when she tells him he needs to calm down. Kai’s far from perfect, of course, but she finds herself growing to love him more and more every day. 

Not to mention, aside from love, they have something else that brings them together. 

The baby. 

Bonnie hasn’t felt movement from it yet - nor has she heard a heartbeat - but she already feels emotionally attached to the life growing inside her. 

She can tell Kai is, too, the way he is with her belly, not even showing. 

Every morning without fail, he wakes up with his head beside her belly. One palm rests upon her skin, while the other is somewhere else on her, usually holding her hand. As soon as his eyes flutter open, he presses kisses to her stomach, then lets his lips trail upward to her neck, then face. She smiles. For the first time in a while, she doesn’t find herself dreading mornings when she wakes up. Now, she knows Kai will protect her, from both the dangers of Mystic Falls, and from the manipulations of her enemies. And believe it when she says it, there are a lot of instances of that. 

This morning, Kai’s kisses are more firm. Rushed, slightly, and pressed deeper into her skin. He’s anxious about something, she can tell. 

It takes a moment to get him to talk, but eventually, he spills. 

“I think it’s time to announce you to the coven,” he pauses, kissing her again, “tell them we’re together. That you’ll be leading them alongside me.”

“How do you think they’ll take it?”

He smiles. “Not well. Of course, Bennetts are highly regarded by our coven; it’s the me part of it they won’t like. They’ll probably come down on you for being with me, but I won’t let them hurt you.”

“Would they try? To hurt me?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t expect my father to try to kill Jo when he learned I could escape the prison world, but according to Damon, he did.”

Bonnie tenses, suddenly afraid of the man. 

Kai picks up on her anxiety and kisses her stomach again. “He won’t hurt you, I won’t let him,” he repeats. “We’ll make no mention of the bond or the baby, and I’ll put a protection spell on you. Even if he tries, it’ll just bounce off and ricochet back onto him.” Kai then laughs. “That would be pretty entertaining.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“Are you?” He asks in return, gaze slightly challenging. 

Bonnie hesitates for a second, but then a sharp feeling in her gut has her crying out. “Ah!” She winces in sudden pain. 

“Bon? Are you okay?” Kai’s quick to put his hand on her forehead, feeling for warmth. Her temperature’s normal, though, so the symptom must be a side effect of the bond spell, squashing her moment’s hesitation. 

“I’m okay,” she says between clenched teeth. The pain eases up slowly. “I think it’s time, too.”

That night, the Scull Bar is closed to the public for a meeting of the leaders of the Gemini Coven. The elders are present, as well as past leaders, and Kai and Bonnie. Liv is there to serve them drinks, though Bonnie knows she’s mostly there to lurk. Kai says she has no business attending unless the matter concerns her, and today, it certainly does not. 

When the pair walk in, hand-in-hand, Joshua immediately bites his cheek. But it’s the elder, Jakob, who speaks first.

“Company? You know the rules, Malachai. No one accompanies in attendance unless the matter concerns.”

Bonnie almost chuckles, considering Kai said those words verbatim just an hour earlier. 

“Yeah?” Kai challenges back. “Then explain Liv up there.”

They all look up to the curly-haired blonde clearly eavesdropping from the second floor. When she notices them staring, she flees. 

“She’s serving us tonight.”

“Sure.”

“Please explain the role of your guest here tonight.  You must have a good reason for bringing her along.”

“Yeah, I do. She’s going to lead with me.”

“What?” The elder spits.

Kai’s father steps forward, jaw tense, and Bonnie fights the urge to step back. “State her name.”

“Bonnie Bennett,” he answers, trying not to smirk as his father’s confidence flinches. 

“A Bennett witch?”

“Granddaughter of Sheila Bennett,” the girl replies. 

“Sheila was a friend of ours,” another stands from his chair, “she helped us put him away. You betray your own grandmother?!”

“Sit!” Jakob yells at the other. “Control your tongue.”

“Apologies.”

“You really choose him, of all people with whom you could marry and grow old?”

“I have,” she states, as Kai told her she’d have to say.

Granted, the wording is definitely different from usual announcements. One that Kai witnessed when he was a teenager was much calmer in the declarations. Much less accusatory. 

You have chosen him, with whom you will marry and grow old?

None of this challenging wording that Kai’s not appreciating. As if he’s trying to make Bonnie out to be a fool. His posture tenses. 

“And you have realized you will have to produce a set of twins to lead the next generation?”

“I have.”

“And you’ve realized you’re choosing to be with a siphon who could drain and kill you at any moment?” Jakob asks, eyes black.

“That’s not part of it,” Kai starts, getting angrier by the minute.

Bonnie grabs his arm comfortingly. “He’s not going to hurt or kill me. But yes, I have realized he’s a siphon, and that doesn’t change the way I feel.”

The man chuckles. “Alright, then. You have been announced.”

As soon as the words leave the man’s lips, Joshua tugs on his sleeve. 

Jakob turns, “yes?”

“Are you out of your mind?! This cannot be allowed.”

“I can’t do anything about it! She has agreed.”

“Malachai is dangerous enough on his own. He does not need a Bennett witch alongside him. Figure something out!”

“I wish I could do something, but I cannot! We must follow tradition, have you forgotten?”

“Tradition is also to kill or imprison every siphon, because they do not have a place within us.”

“Well, unfortunately, thanks to your genes, may I add, the siphon line survived and now your own son has climbed his way to the top. This is your problem now. If he dies, we all do.”

“And to my understanding,” Bonnie interrupts the men, “you need a Bennett witch to do the prison world spell. And I’m the only Bennett witch still around.”

Joshua glares at her. “Your mother…?”

“Is a vampire,” she finishes, “and since there’s no siphons in my line, she’s just a vampire. No more magic. So good luck.”

Kai’s flooded with a sense of pride for her. Her confidence, lack of hesitation, and defiance toward his father. “And might I point out, Jakob’s already announced us. You’re powerless now, father.” He cocks his head. “How does it feel? To be weak? To be underneath someone who holds a weapon over your head?”

Bonnie senses violence and puts her hand on his back. “We can go now. What needed to be done is done.” She starts to lead him out. 

“You still have to produce heir, Malachai,” his father calls, “is a soft little Bennett witch going to have the heart to let her children merge one day? And how can we trust you won’t kill the kid immediately after it’s been born?”

The boy turns back for a second. “I know the duties that come with leadership of this coven. Don’t have a heart attack worrying about it.”

◇◇◇◇

On the drive home, Bonnie had started to have a panic attack. By the time they pull into the driveway, she bursts into the house feeling completely sick. 

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Kai comes in after her, concerned. “It went well. Better than I thought it would. What’s the matter?”

“I can’t do that. I can’t deal with the merge. I can’t lose a child.”

Both his hands find her shoulders, but she refuses to meet his eyes. “Bon, look at me.”

She pulls away. “I can feel the changes happening in my body. I’ve missed two periods, but I still feel the cramps. I’ve been so tired lately, and my stomach feels bloated, and swollen, and I know what that means. My arms are sore, and my breasts are sore, and this morning, the nausea started hitting me, but then I got distracted and it went away.” 

“Bonnie, calm down.”

“I can’t! I can’t calm down. Don’t you know not to tell a woman to calm down?! I- I need- I don’t know what I need… I need to-” and then she finds herself in the bathroom, expelling what sickness was plaguing her earlier that morning. 

Kai comes up behind her, sighing, before rubbing her back. “It’s okay, Bon.” 

When she comes back up, he hands her a wet towel to wipe her face. She uses it, then leans back against the wall, tears still streaming down her face. He sits beside her, offering a hand that she doesn’t take. 

“It’s not okay. I’m too young for this. I can’t handle it. I’m not ready. I can’t lead a coven. I can’t have a baby. God, I can’t have two babies. And I can’t let one die in twenty years.”

“Bon, take a deep breath.”

“I can’t.”

“Try.”

In a couple minutes, she’s finally able to stop crying. Kai reaches for her again, but when she rejects him a second time, puts his hand on her shoulder. 

“You can do this. I know you’re young, and I’m sorry for that. But you’ll be a great mom, and a great leader, and we’ll figure out the merge stuff.”

“Kai, I can’t handle it. You’ve gotta figure a way around it.”

“I can’t. I can try, but I feel like if there was a way, we’d know it by now.” He lifts her hand and kisses it. “If it’s any consolation, the bond spell doesn’t promise twins.”

She stops sniffling to look at him. “What?”

“The actual purpose of the binding part is to give her a reason to feel close to him. Something about carrying one’s child that makes them feel a sense of loyalty. In my understanding, the baby could not even make it; it’s kind of a stepping stone. Once you’re emotionally bonded, or whatever, you can go off and make your own kids. But if my ancestors couldn’t find love on their own, in order to impregnate someone to get an heir, they needed a spell to do that part.”

Bonnie’s already bonded-mind completely skips over the fact that he spelled her to make her love him. Instead, it settles on the fact that she could only be carrying one baby. But even more so, on the risk that the spell doesn’t promise her baby could survive. 

“It doesn’t?” She asks, in regards to her first thought. 

“No, you might just have one.”

“But I could lose them?”

“Hey,” he can sense her rising panic, again, “you said all the right things that come with the first month. All the symptoms sound like you’re on the right track. Remember what I said? First three months, you’ll be a little uncomfortable, a little nauseous. Your baby is gonna be fine.”

“Can you sense them?”

Kai’s body jolts with excitement. “Honestly, I’ve been a bit distracted. Come out here and let me make you some tea. We’ll try it.”

Nodding, she follows him out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. Kai sits her onto a bar stool and hands her a tissue for her sniffles, then begins to boil a pot of water. 

“Are you making the raspberry tea you mentioned?”

“Mhm. My mom drank this for all five pregnancies after Jo and I.”

“You’re not gonna do that to me, right?” She asks, a little joke in her tone.

“Do what?”

“Five times. I don’t know if I can handle that many pregnancies… or kids.”

“Oh,” he smiles, “definitely not. I come from a big family, and I do not want to make a big family.”

“Good. I was an only child.” She takes a deep breath. “But if this baby isn’t a twin, are we going to have to keep trying? To appease the coven?” She bites her tongue. “I’m not gonna get out of this merge duty, am I?”

Kai swallows hard. “I’m cutting it off at three. That’s the limit. No twins after three tries, sorry!”

She laughs, but then her smile fades again. “I’m serious, Kai. What are we gonna do?”

He’s quiet for a long time. He ponders her question while the water boils. 

Kai thinks back to 1903. The heretics, discussing his two options - bond with Bonnie and rule the coven, or kill his coven and become one of the heretics. 

(Speaking of the heretics, he totally has a deal with Lily, and sooner or later, has to free them from that snowy, October hell. He promised he’d do it after he could confidently deem the girl pregnant, so that their bond spell was proved effective and true, and then they could help protect the baby. Valerie was especially on board with this plan.)

The option of turning him was presented first, and he almost immediately agreed. But then Valerie mentioned the bond spell in passing, and when he learned he could have Bonnie and make his father crumble under his rule, he quickly jumped ship to that option instead. Still, if what then became Plan A were to fail, Kai would just go to Plan B. 

“Kai?” Bonnie asks again, pulling him from his thoughts. 

“Well you’re not Gemini blood,” he muses out loud, “even though the bond spell gave you access to Gemini magic, you’re still of Bennett blood.”

“Yes,” she answers hesitantly. 

“So if my coven tries to force twins on you, and you don’t want it, I’ll become a heretic,” he decides. Plan B. “If they try to force the merge on you, or threaten you in any other way, I’ll kill them all by killing myself.”

“Kai, that’s crazy.”

“It keeps you alive, and it keeps my family off our ass.”

“But it would kill this baby,” she puts a hand on her stomach.

Kai bites his lip. “I know there’s a spell that could protect unborn Gemini from a leader’s death, I’ll just have to check the grimoires about it.” He reads her increasingly anxious face and pauses. “This is all just hypothetical, Bonnie. Only to be done if we were desperate. I just… I don’t want them to hurt you, and I’ll do anything to protect you.”

“I know… just… let’s avoid that, okay?” 

“Okay.”

“Can we change the topic?”

“Mhm.”

“What exactly is in that tea?”

“My tea?” He asks, smiling, and serving her a cup. “Raspberry leaf, a little lemon, and a little honey. If you’re feeling really sick, I can swap the lemon for ginger, but my mother always liked the lemon.”

Bonnie takes a sip. It instantly soothes her nerves and her upset stomach. “Mhm, it’s good.”

“Good.” He comes around the counter to face her. His little smirk makes her heart race, and when he puts a hand on her stomach, she fights the urge to squeeze her legs together.

“What are you doing?” She takes another sip of tea to distract herself from ever-growing dirty thoughts.

“Feeling.”

“I can tell.”

He runs a finger up the side of her body. After a moment, he smiles.

“What?”

“You’ve got something.”

“What do you mean?” Her heart races faster.

“You’re positive.”

Bonnie almost drops the mug. “I’m- seriously?”

“I can feel it. Can’t tell sex or how many, but I can feel the magic.”

“Oh my god!” She finds herself leaping into his arms. Kai catches her around the waist, and she throws her hands around his neck. “Oh my god, I’m-” she pulls away from him to look down at her own body. “You’ve-” Speechless, she can only sit back down and sip her tea. Her smile doesn’t leave her face. 

◇◇◇◇

Later on that day, they make the decision to cloak the baby. If Kai can sense it, it’s only a matter of time before one of the vampires detects a heartbeat. Or worse, if his father could sense it, too. (Kai isn’t sure if he could, but doesn’t want to take any chances.)

For the rest of the night, he stays close to Bonnie, bathing in the fact that he can feel his baby’s magic radiating off her. It gives him an unexplainable sense of pride that he can’t help but revel in. She finds herself obsessed with his reaction, too, never expecting Kai to be so happy over having a baby. 

In the morning, though, they cloak it strongly and talk about when they would uncloak it for check-ups, both by Kai himself and by a doctor. They also talk, briefly, about their conversation from the night before, but he makes her promise not to stress herself out with worry. Kai recalls he and Jo learned at the young age of six that they were to merge for their coven’s future, and promises he wants nothing of the sort for his baby. At the very least, their kid’s childhood would be a happy one. 

Regardless of what the future holds, they have twenty-two years to prepare, and she shouldn’t plague herself with it now. That would only affect her and the baby negatively, and that kind of stress is greatly undesirable. Instead, they will go on with their lives - Bonnie can go back to school, if she wants; his father and the elders will go back to Portland; Kai will lead from his announced and future wife’s hometown; and they won’t have to worry about any drastic change for a couple of months. By then, Kai will have several plans in place to protect his family, and he’ll be able to tackle whatever crazy might come his way. 

And with the baby in eight months, and the heretics in three… crazy is sure to come.

[thecurioustale]

Started reading your work recently and am impressed. How long do you think your current two projects will be when finished, in terms of word count?

Thank you for the kind words, anon! You're the first anonymous ask I've ever gotten that wasn't either spam or hating on me. :3

This is a good question, and one that I think about myself. My answer is kind of long so I'm putting the bottom line up top, and please take this with an enormous grain of salt because my crystal ball is a muddy one and so many things can change (up or down) in the editing:

The Galaxy Federal Inaugural Novel (working title) will probably be between 300,000 and 3 million words. If I really had to take a wild guess and narrow it down further, probably a little shy of the 1 million mark i.e. the 800,000 – 900,000 range.

Chapter 1 of After The Hero: A Curious Tale is harder to estimate for various reasons but is "probably" going to end up in the 200,000 – 700,000 range.

Okay, so that's the TL;DR. Now for the nitty gritty:

I have no friggin' clue! I have found with past experience that my estimates for this kind of thing are usually bad (and not in a specific direction or way).

A natural pair of questions to ask is: "What word count currently exists?" and "Roughly what percent of completion are these books at?"

The difficulty in my answering the first question is that, with the way my writing process works, I'd have to go and manually look at a bunch of different Word files and add it all up—an attainable chore but definitely a chore, as there are dozens and dozens of these files.

I've been working a lot on Galaxy Federal lately, adding a low tens of thousands of new words to the text just in the past three months. I am noticing lately that I am getting tantalizingly close to being able to stitch together a lot of material into a single manuscript document (or a couple documents), which will give me a much better impression both of my progress this year and much better estimating power as to what the finished book is likely to end up being in terms of length.

I had been holding off on looking at the word count till then, as a milestone reward. However, since I've been curious about this myself, and since someone has asked, I went and did a (very!) rough estimate of the existing manuscript text in the Galaxy Federal Inaugural Novel. This does not include supporting documentation, worldbuilding documents, etc.—just manuscript text.

As of today that number is currently 192,235 words (in 38 different documents). However, this is high, because I know there is some abandoned text in there as well as some other detritus inside the various manuscript documents that would be very time-consuming to factor out. I'm pretty confident in saying that the true number is close to 170,000, albeit with the caveat that not all of that, by any means, is going to make it into the final book.

The difficulty in my answering the second question—about the completion percentage—is that the Galaxy Federal Inaugural Novel still has some pretty fundamental unanswered questions and blank zones. I also don't really have a clue yet just how much cutting of existing text is likely to happen in the main editing phase. Probably quite a fair bit. ATH Chapter 1 has far fewer fundamental unanswered questions, but there are still huge areas of the text that haven't begun to get written. Less of it will be cut in editing than with the Galaxy Federal novel, as I have a much tighter grip on the ATH Chapter 1 story and am not writing many sections that are never likely to see the light of day.

A very wild shot in the dark for the percent completion on the Galaxy Federal Novel is that I am between one-ninth and one-half of the way there in terms of the entire project. The more optimistic "one-half" leans heavily on the extensive progress I have already made in world conceptualization, story construction, and the existing word count. The less optimistic "one-ninth" leans heavily on word count projections alone. But I can't stress enough just how wild of a guess this is. As for ATH Chapter 1, an equally wild guess is that I am about one-fourth of the way there, maybe closer to one-half if I again heavily factor in the existing story development and worldbuilding work that isn't directly reflected in the word count.

The good news is that I don't foresee that these rather anemic completion percentage estimates are going to take correspondingly more time in the future than their respective projects have already taken in the past. This is due to so much of the worldbuilding and story construction already being done, and also due to the fact that I have been writing a lot more frequently in the past couple years. If I truly were only one-ninth of the way through the Galaxy Federal Inaugural Novel, and have been working on it for almost seven years, then at a linear rate it would take me another fifty-five years or so to finish, and that's just not going to be the case. I anticipate finishing both books in this decade, barring personal disaster in my life (which could easily happen), and at least one of these two books is likely to be finished well before the end of the decade.

That's good news for the Galaxy Federal Inaugural Novel, which is a standalone work, but obviously raises questions about my ability to complete ATH in its entirety in my lifetime. =[

[waywardxrhea]

Part Nineteen - The Past Revealed

[slow burn romance between Steve Rogers and SHIELD agent Emma Baker]

Warnings: 18+, contains humor, fluff, mental health issues, family trauma, romance, angst, language, violence, (potentially smut later on).

installment list

Word count: 5.2k

Steve and Emma (finally) talk about her past.

Over the next twenty days during the construction of the new Avengers facility, Emma tries to distract herself by keeping busy. She starts going all-in on her reporting of the construction of the facility, waking up at dawn every day to make the trip to where it's being built. She stays almost all day, interviewing the workers on their breaks, taking pictures of the fast-moving progress, and exploring the grounds surrounding the compound. She barely has any time for her personal life, and she's okay with that, because the less time she has to think about what happened, the better.

One night when Emma gets home completely exhausted after a long day's work, she sees Maria sitting on her couch waiting for her with a movie on. "Wait Maria, how-"

"You forget you gave me the spare key?" she asks while pausing the TV.

"Oh, right, yeah totally, it just slipped my mind," Emma replies as she sits her bag and drone on one of her partially packed boxes. The moving process was taking a lot longer this time because she didn't have the help of Sam or Steve. She feels bad not asking Sam for help, but she knows that if she was with him it would just remind her of Steve.

“I'm worried about you,” Maria says as Emma sits on a chair in the living room.

"Nothing to worry about, I'm fine," Emma tells her with a smile.

"If you're fine then tell me why all your movies except the sad romance ones are packed up? Or how not even half of your apartment is packed up when we move into the new facility in less than two weeks? Also, why haven't you been answering my calls or texts until the ungodly hours of the night?"

"I've just been really busy 'documenting history' as Tony puts it. Did you know that they're on track to finish in twenty days? That's record time! Stark really can do so much when he sets his mind to it."

"You're getting off-topic, Em. All of this going and going nonstop is going to catch up to you sooner or later and that crash isn't going to be fun because when you do crash, all you'll have time to do is think about everything you've been avoiding," Maria tells her in a stern tone. Emma tries to defend herself with another excuse, but Maria interrupts her with, "Don't deny that you've just been avoiding thinking about what happened between you and Steve. You can't just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen because it did. And the problem won't go away by avoiding it either."

Emma sighs and gives in, admitting, "Fine, you got me. I've been working so hard because I don't want to think about what I've ruined. Because that's what I did. I ruined things between him and me. If I had just told him about my past in the first place or maybe if I didn't-"

"Emma, you can't blame yourself for all of it."

"Sure I can," Emma replies and laughs a bit, trying not to cry. "I guess I wanted him to see my messy past, to see my current struggles, and find me worthy of love, but with all these memories of my father resurfacing and then this, I definitely feel unworthy of any sort of love at all."

Maria looks at her friend with sadness in her eyes and says, "Emma, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I really think you need to get some help. This blaming yourself and shaming everything you do is stemming from more than what happened this month. I think you need to see someone and healthily unpack your past. You'll feel better if you do that, and maybe you can figure out how to mend things with Steve after you start facing your other problems head-on. I can't stand to see my best friend hurting so much, okay?"

At those words, the flood gates open and Emma begins to cry, something she hadn't let herself do since that day with Steve. Maria stands up and goes to comfort Emma, standing her up and wrapping her in her arms. After a minute or so, Emma finally speaks up with a small laugh, saying, "Damn, sorry I cry almost every time I see you, wow."

Maria laughs and tells her, "As long as you're feeling things I don't care. When you stop feeling emotions that's when I'll worry that your mind got taken over by witches or aliens or whatever else is out there." Emma can't help but laugh at the statement which stops her crying momentarily. After Maria gets Emma calmed down, the two go on to finish their night with movies and popcorn.

One day about a week before move-in day Emma goes out to a tattoo parlor when she's done with her coverage of the Avengers facility for the day. She had been doing a little bit of thinking for a while now about getting this tattoo, and after everything that's happened, she finally got around to getting it.

She walks into the parlor and approaches the guy she's been going to since she was eighteen for her two previous tattoos. "Emma! How are we doing on this fine evening?" he asks with a smile once he notices her presence.

Emma waves, replying, "Hey Travis, I've...been better, but that's why I'm here. Want to get some ink that has meaning, but I also need to feel something right now. Been a bit numb lately."

"I gotcha, what did you have in mind?" he asks as he leads Emma to a chair in the nearly empty shop.

Emma hesitates before saying, "I know it's cliche, and you probably get this all the time, but I want a semicolon. On the back of my neck. You know, the whole 'this is not the end of my story' thing. I've just been going through it and I need a little reminder some days."

Emma laughs at the end of her statement which earns a smile from Travis who says, "Whatever you want, I won't judge. And I'm here to listen if you want to talk, this is a private shop at this time of night."

"I actually have a person for that now, thank you though, Trav. I appreciate it."

"You got it, little lady," he replies and starts prepping Emma after she puts her hair up.

He's quiet for a little bit before breaking his silence by saying, "Okay, I have to ask, what's it like working with the Avengers? It has to be so sick right? Like all the jets and flying and super people!"

"Wow, you didn't hit me as the superhero type," Emma replies. She thinks about her response for a second before saying, "It's definitely got its ups and downs. Working with Stark tech is fantastic, he made me this drone for mission coverage, but put blasters on it so I can help out if I need to, it's sick."

"So are you kinda like an Avenger now then? Am I tatting an Avenger?" he asks, stopping momentarily in his process.

The question hits Emma and she says, "No, not an Avenger. Not really. I'm just kinda... there most of the time if I'm honest, but I'm starting to be okay with that. See, if I wasn't there, huge hero nerds like you wouldn't get the fix you need when the Avengers go out into battle."

"And we thank you for your service," Travis says as he starts on the tattoo.

A few more minutes of silence pass as Travis tattoos and Emma squeezes a stress ball before Travis asks, "So...it was a little while back, but what's going on with you and Captain Rogers? I always saw photos of you two out and about on the hero blogs I follow."

Emma's heart misses a beat at the question and she hesitates, "I uh-"

Travis senses the tension at the question and says, "Too personal, got it."

Emma thinks of what her therapist says about facing tough questions head-on and tells him, "No, no, it's okay. I mean...it is a touchy subject right now, but back during the time you were talking about, that's when I was assigned to help Cap get acclimated to the modern-day. I was kind of like a...professional best friend."

"Okay, you are now hands down the most interesting person I have ever inked. I can't even imagine getting to hang out with Captain freakin' America!"

"He's still a bit old-fashioned. Holds doors for us ladies, listens to his 40s music, still occasionally needs help with technology, but he's made a lot of progress." Emma's mind flashes back to those days when things were simpler and she smiles as she tells him, "It is pretty sick hanging out with him."

Travis finishes up the tattoo after a little while and tells Emma, "Well if you're ever too busy and he needs someone to show him another side of the modern-day, hit me up."

"I'll keep it in mind," Emma replies as she pays him before heading out the door. Before she goes, she turns to him and says, "Thank you by the way."

"Any time," he replies with a two-finger salute as Emma walks off into the night back to her car.

The cool air hits her skin as she heads to her car and Emma smiles. That was the first time since that day she had thought of Steve and it didn't end in tears. She laughs to herself at the thought as she sits down in the driver's seat of her car. She isn't ready just yet to talk about what happened with him, there was still a lot of unpacking to do first, but there finally seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

A couple of weeks later, everyone gets moved into the new Avengers facility upstate. Well, not everyone. After the Battle of Sokovia, Clint decided to retire to be with his family, Thor went off-world in search of answers to the vision he saw, and Tony was thinking of retiring to live a calmer life away from avenging, for Pepper's sake. And Bruce...well Bruce went missing in a quinjet with the stealth mode on and no one had any clue where he was. Emma wrote all of this for her latest article on the Avengers. She conducted in-person interviews with Tony and Thor and video chatted with Clint when he didn't have his hands tied up with his growing family. This took up the first few days of living in the compound after settling in, and now it was time for the in-person interviews with the new team.

Emma throws on her AI glasses and grabs her tablet before heading down to the training area where the team was supposed to be training together. As she walks there, Emma sets up everything into capture and report mode so she can get everything that is said so she can then transcribe it into the article.

When the door to the room comes into view, Emma's heart lurches. She hadn't spoken at all with Steve since that day, she was sure Rhodes still wanted her arrested, and Wanda was now part of the team. Needless to say, Emma was still a bit hesitant to be around her because of the vision she made her see. The rapid onset of anxious thoughts makes the music from the AI system play quietly in her ears, and Emma takes a deep breath before pushing open the door.

Sam, geared up in his Falcon suit, is the one to bring attention to Emma's presence by calling her name and waving like a five-year-old. Emma gives a small smile and waves as all eyes turn to her. She panics for a second before telling herself, You got this, it'll all go smoothly. After her pep talk, she announces, "Hey, uh, Tony asked me to do an article interviewing the new team. If we could maybe do that, whoever wants to go first, please follow me. I'll try to be quick and get out of your way shortly. Thanks."

Sam instantly walks over her way and Emma leads him to the corner of the room for the interview. Before Emma can start asking questions, Sam says with a smile, "I'm glad we're all living here together, you, me, and Steve. The Three Amigos back together!"

Emma tries not to show her sadness at the statement as she realizes that Steve hadn't told him what happened. Maybe that was a good thing? It could mean that there was still hope for them? She mentally shakes her head and smiles at Sam, saying, "Just like old times." Emma taps the side of her glasses and says, "SAM start recording please."

Sam has a look of confusion on his face but proceeds to pull out his phone as he says, "And here I was thinking you had all the fancy Stark tech."

Emma can't help but laugh at the statement and tells him, "Oh no, no the uh the AI is called SAM. Acronym for Saving Asses Mundanely. Tony named her."

"Perfectly not confusing," Sam says with a laugh while putting away his phone.

"Yeah, I'll have to end up just calling you Wilson or Falcon on missions."

"Works for me," Sam replies with a smile. He claps his hands and rubs them together before saying, "Now let's get on with this interview."

"Let's. So first, Mr. Wilson, Falcon, are you excited about your new post as an Avenger?"

"Oh absolutely. Ever since the mission of taking down HYDRA undercover in SHIELD I've wanted to join the team, but I had some other matters to attend to on Captain Rogers' orders."

"I see, thank you. Now, I know you have a background in pararescue with the US military, how do you think that will play into your role on the team?"

"Asking the good questions, aren't we? Well I think that my flight skills will serve the team well in terms of agility in battles that may be fought in the air as well as my rescue skills being used if anyone were to get injured. I would swoop in and save them. See what I did there?"

Emma laughs at the comment and asks a few more questions before dismissing him to go train with the rest of the group. She conducts the rest of the interviews with the team, making sure to stay professional with Wanda and Rhodes.

Knowing it would be her most nerve-wracking interview, Emma saves the one with Steve and Natasha for last. When they finish up, Emma approaches the two of them and says, "Hey Cap, Natasha, if you two are ready I can interview you both at the same time." After they dismiss the group for the time being, Emma cues up SAM again and asks, "So as the leaders of the new group of Avengers what's your opinion of them all so far as a team?"

"Well we're not the '27 Yankees," Steve replies with a slight chuckle while looking at Natasha.

"But we do have some hitters," Natasha points out.

Steve nods and adds, "Individually they're all good, but they're not a team yet. Everyone works well alone and has their special skills, but cohesion...we haven't gotten there yet. It'll take some time."

"I know we can beat them into shape though," Natasha says with a small smirk.

Emma nods, asking, "So, optimistic about it?"

Natasha elbows Steve in the ribs and says, "Giddy optimism is Rogers' middle name."

Emma nods as she continues, asking, "And what about each of you individually, are you ready to learn a whole new team dynamic? What with four of your original members not present."

Steve speaks first and replies, "As a soldier, you learn that you should never grow used to something, especially team dynamic. You have to be on your toes learning and adapting to new experiences. As long as I'm a soldier I try not to grow complacent about anything."

Emma nods as Natasha adds, "I was trained to rely on myself and myself alone. A team is good to have your back if things go wrong though, so it'll be good to have this group of individuals backing me if I need it."

Emma asks a few more questions before wrapping up the interview and thanking them. She considers finally breaking her silence with Steve about what happened but backs out before any words leave her mouth.

Before Emma can turn to leave to begin writing her article, Steve speaks up, telling her, "You know, if you want, our offer we made at Barton's ranch is still on the table. We can use all the hands we can get on the team."

Emma nods and replies, "Maybe soon, but for now, I need to get to work on this. I'll get back to you on that." She offers a small smile before heading off to her room to begin piecing everything together for an article.

For the next few days, Emma works on her article and begins training with the other agents and military troops that are stationed at the compound. With that on top of her visit back to the city to see her therapist, she barely has time for relaxing. One night when she enters the compound at around ten, she's stopped by Sam who has a couple of board games in his arms. "Hey, Emma! We were all about to play some board games, wanna join us? Nat wants to make it more fun with drinks."

Emma offers a small smile and replies, "Thanks, but maybe not tonight, I'm sorry."

"Oh come on, Ems! We've been living under the same roof and I feel like I never see you."

"I've just been really busy is all," Emma replies quietly.

"Too busy for your best friends?" Sam asks, giving her the puppy dog eyes. When Emma doesn't reply right away, Sam studies her and then asks, "Is there something going on that I don't know about?"

Emma debates whether or not to tell Sam, and then decides it would be best to tell the truth. "I guess you really don't know then. Outside of business things like that interview I did with all of you, Steve and I haven't talked in almost a month..."

"What? Why? And why didn't either of you tell me?" he asks, shock evident in his voice.

Emma looks at the floor and traces patterns on it with the toe of her shoe. "At the party at the tower, when Ultron came to be, he told everyone that I have...a bit of a dodgy past. He said that I broke the law, which, don't get me wrong I did, but he didn't know my motivations as to why I did the things I did. I had good reason, but all he was worried about was the fact that I did it. That didn't sit right with Steve, and when I went to talk with him about it after everything, he said he couldn't trust me because he didn't know me.

"Maria says it was probably a heat of the moment thing, and it may have been, there was a lot of secrecy among the whole team we came to find out, so maybe that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It really hurt though, Sam. I want to talk with him so badly because I think I finally figured out what to say, but at this point, I'm not sure he would even want to talk with me."

"Wow," Sam whispers and shakes his head. "I had no idea...it all makes sense though. He's seemed kinda distant lately, but I just thought it was because of the thing in Sokovia and then having to lead a whole new team."

"God I wish Ultron never said a damn thing..." Emma mutters in frustration while rubbing her temples. "I never wanted to hurt him."

"I know you didn't, Ems," Sam tells her gently. "Here, how about this: later, I talk with him and tell him that I spoke with you and you wanted to get things cleared up. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but I can just tell him that you want to patch things up with him. I'll be the bridge, the messenger."

"Would you not mind? If it's too much trouble I can suck it up and be an adult about it and approach him myself."

"No, no it's all good. I'll talk with him, then he can come to you when he's ready. So, are you ready to talk with him about it? Because once I tell him, there's no backing out."

The thought of finally clearing things up with Steve makes Emma smile, so she nods and replies, "Yes, I'm ready. I hope this can be the start of this fiasco being put behind us."

"That's the spirit," Sam replies as he shifts the games to one arm and pats Emma on the back with the other. "Now, you go get some rest. Next week's game night you can join us. I've been wanting to show Vision Just Dance, but it wouldn't be as fun without you."

"Sounds like a plan. Again, thank you, Sam." And with that, Emma heads to her room for the night.

The next morning, Emma is about to head down to the kitchen to get some coffee when there’s a gentle knock at her door. Knowing it was probably Steve, Emma's heart jumps in her chest. She takes a breath and slowly opens the door to reveal Steve standing there with his hands behind his back, looking a bit nervous. He offers a small smile and says, "Hey. Sam said you wanted to talk?"

"If that's okay with you," Emma tells him. Steve nods and she opens the door fully, welcoming him into the room. He sits in the office chair she has sat by her desk while Emma sits cross-legged on her bed.

Before Emma can start talking, Steve speaks up, saying, "I just thought I'd apologize for what I said that day, Em. It wasn't called for, I was just really frustrated over a lot of things and I took it out on you."

"No, no it's okay, I understand. I didn't tell you about a big part of my life, and I can see how that hurt you. I just...I wanted you to hear my side of the story. The side that Ultron didn't have access to because it wasn't on the web."

Steve nods his head and says, "I'm all ears. No outbursts this time."

Emma laughs a bit before she starts her story. "What Ultron said about me hacking police scanners and all of that was 100% true, I can't deny that, but I had a reason behind it. I apologize in advance if I get emotional talking about this, it's just hard to talk about because I always tried to forget about it all until recently. But yeah, it started when I applied to be on the NYPD journalist team but was denied and the job was given to some blonde chick with more botox than experience in journalism. I had a degree in journalism, a recommendation from my local newspaper where I had an internship, and was frankly pissed that I didn't get the job. I was new in town, my grandfather had just passed away, and after not getting that position I was just angry at the world, so I kinda hacked into the police radio system...

"Anyways, the cases I did, the ones I brought it upon myself to bring justice to, were almost always cases of domestic assault. The police usually disregarded the cases, tossing them out if there wasn't an active threat when they arrived, so I would go back the next night and put up a camera to capture proof of what was going on. I then would send in an anonymous tip and the scumbag would be busted within a few days."

Emma pauses and takes a shaky breath, saying, "I did these kinds of cases because I couldn't just stand by and let these things happen because I knew what it was like to be in that situation... You see, my father wasn't a good man. Far from it. From the time I could walk there were expectations of me that were wildly unrealistic, but I was always expected to live up to them. If I didn't meet his standards, he would yell at me, call me names, just all around be super awful, and if the task wasn't done well enough or fast enough, sometimes...uh..."

Emma closes her eyes and takes a break for a second, spinning the ring on her thumb furiously trying not to cry. "Emma, if it's too hard to talk about you don't have to," Steve says gently, his own emotions running high seeing Emma in such a vulnerable state.

"No, I want you to know the whole truth. I want you to know about my past, to know me..." She waits for a second more before continuing, "If I didn't complete the task to his liking, sometimes he would...hurt me. The physical side of things wasn't too often I don’t think, but it was enough to suppress a lot of my childhood memories. I still knew the feeling though, and I didn't want anyone to go through that hell. So that's what I did and why I did it.

"Somehow Fury figured out who I was and recruited me for SHIELD as a reporter. He told me that I had promise and skills that the agency could use for good, so he turned my life around. I never did anything illegal again, you know unless it was under orders from SHIELD. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it meant saving innocent people's lives though." Even though it felt good knowing she didn't have to hide the past from Steve anymore, Emma still feels guilty and avoids making eye contact with Steve as she says quietly, "Well, now you know what really happened and...I hope this can be the start of building the trust between us again."

After her statement, without thinking, Steve stands up and pulls Emma up into an embrace. Emma relaxes into his strong arms and Steve whispers, "God, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Em." He pauses and admits quietly, "My father wasn't the best man either. He would try and hurt me but Mom always got in the middle of it to protect me. She was one of the bravest women I know. You're pretty high on that list too, Em, I hope you know that"

Emma smiles a bit and hugs Steve tighter as she says, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that Steve... As for me though I've been learning that everything happens for a reason. It may not have been the ideal life, but," she pauses for half a second before deciding to continue, "if it hadn't happened the way it did, I wouldn't have met you."

Steve smiles at the statement and he hopes that Emma can't feel his heart rate increase in response. He releases Emma from his embrace and tells her, "Thank you for telling me, Em. I'm glad you trust me enough to be so vulnerable and honest. And again, I'm so sorry I said what I did. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Hey, it's okay. And I know it may take a little bit of time to get where we were again, but...are we good?" She pauses and decides to crack a joke, asking, "Can I go back to beating your ass at Mario Kart with Sam?"

Steve chuckles and nods, saying, "Yes, we're good."

"Yay!" Emma replies with a smile.

She quickly wipes the excess tears from her eyes as the two exit her room and head to the kitchen together. Emma's mind is so busy trying to remember the feeling of being in his arms that she almost misses Steve asking, "Will you be joining us for meals and, as Sam dubs it, team bonding?"

"Oh I wouldn't want to intrude," Emma replies, snapping back into reality.

"I insist. You're as much part of the team as anyone else. It's been killing me not to tell you how well you did in Sokovia, by the way. For your first mission in the field, you did a great job."

Emma can't help the smile that makes its way onto her lips as she says, "Thank you, Steve. It means a lot. That night I was pretty pissed, so I got a lot of training in learning how to utilize SAM in battle mode."

"Well if that's what kind of work you can do when you're angry, I'd like to see more of it," Steve replies with a quiet laugh.

Emma huffs out a noise of amusement and says back, "I think we could find some other motivation to get me working that isn't anger-driven. I'd like to think I've been working hard with the other recruits in my physical training, so don't count me out just yet."

"Oh, I won't. Remember you're still part of the team. Once you get your basics down, Nat agreed that we should take you in to train with the rest of us. If you're okay with that of course."

"As long as I'd be accepted. I think Rhodes might not feel the same way about my past as others do. And," she pauses, not knowing how to phrase the next part, "and with Wanda, she's..."

Steve hums inquisitively and when he isn't met with an answer, he says, "Wanda's a changed person now, Em. She truly regrets showing all of us what she did in those visions." He pauses for a moment before telling her, "He didn't give me details, but Clint told me that what she showed you was the reason you walked out on the mission that night at the ranch. I can tell that she feels guilty for what she showed you the way she reacts when someone brings up the fact that you haven't been with us lately. You can be your own judge of character though."

"It just may take a bit of time," Emma replies.

"Don't rush it, some things just take time. While you're doing your basics, you can hang out with all of us and get to know everyone better. You'll see that she isn't who Ultron or HYDRA wanted her to be."

Emma nods as they get into the kitchen where Sam is having breakfast with Maria. "I see you two made up?" Sam asks with a hopeful smile.

Maria adds, "It's about damn time."

The pair smile and nod as Emma tells the two of them, "It's good to be back."

link to the next part

a/n okay holy shit I have way too much music for this post so I’ll just list them instead of putting the Spotify links (whoops) {and again, there is a playlist on Spotify already but if you don’t want spoilers via the music on there I would avoid it for now}

Matter to You - Sasha Alex Sloan

Reflection - Hey Violet

Missing You - All Time Low

Why - Read Southall Band

What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts

Secret for the Mad - Dodie

Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance

Two Ghosts - Harry Styles

Close as Strangers - 5SOS

Little do you Know - Alex and Sierra

Easy on Me - Adele

forever fifteen - mothica

Still - Niall Horan

Arms Unfolding - Dodie

Sparks Fly - Hey Violet

Apple Pie - Lizzie McAlpine

[mermaidsirennikita]

Apologies if you've already answered something like this, but what is your take on why BookTok flavor of the month fantasy romance (particularly new adult) series seem to attract tons of hype and new fans while many of those same people turn their nose up at capital R Romance novels (historical, paranormal, etc)? I don't understand the disconnect!

Well, to be fair, I do think that some BookTok books, and fantasy romance books at large, can be capital R romance. I've read a few that are both very much in a fantasy world, but are ABSOLUTELY romance first.

Why BookTok gravitates more towards murkier books like ACOTAR and Fourth Wing is another issue. To be clear, I don't like Sarah J. Maas's books. I read the entire Throne of Glass series back in the day and was fine with it, but like. Really gravitated between cringing and enjoying. After the first two ACOTAR books, I gave up. That really doesn't have anything to do with the romance level (I wasn't reading romance primarily when I read those books) and has more to do with me finding the writing... bad.

Fourth Wing I actually like. The writing isn't revolutionary, but I find it tighter and less cringe than Maas's. I think it's more self-aware and funny (the dragons fucking and making their riders horny because of psychic bonds was brilliant, sorry). I actually really like the romance in those books, and I think that's because the author is more invested in the romance than she is in the fantasy, and began as a romance writer, whereas Maas essentially went from writing YA fantasy to writing YA fantasy slightly aged up with some meh sex scenes that are juuuust "spicy" enough to entice people who don't read romance. (Fourth Wing has sex scenes... you can tell were written by someone who writes adult romance. When he started counting her orgasms, I was like okay Mr. Manhattan Billionaire With Dark Past.)

Is Fourth Wing's fantasy world great? No, I barely follow the world, I have no idea why they're down with that many cadets dying in basic training, but I don't super care. I care about kissing and love and how Lieutenant Sexy is all "I smoke fantasy world weed to stop feeling horny when my dragon is fucking but girl, you might just kill my buzz".

All of this to say... Imo, why the BookTok crowd loves fantasy romance. A lot of them are of the gen in which they read a fuckton of romance-heavy YA fantasy when they were younger. My grand conspiracy theory is that after the YA fantasy boom died out, you had a ton of authors (many of which, btw, were on the younger side--YA fantasy was a great lift for "prodigy age" authors, who were really young when they dropped their own books and... I suspect kind of got really reliant on YA fantasy--see in contrast romance writers, who often dabble in several subgenres) with manuscripts they couldn't shop anywhere. SJM didn't need to do this; she did a springboard from TOG to ACOTAR, and I'm not saying she invented shit... I'm saying ACOTAR is YA fantasy blended with New Adult college romance. And everyone else has seen that they can do that too, and they're taking their YA concepts, which tbh were always rather adult for teens (never forget the SJM protagonist who's like a 17 year old master assassin) and spinning them into watery fantasy romance. Because again, there absolutely is legit fantasy romance! But a lot of these books aren't that.

Also, imo, there is a perception among younger gens especially, the types of people who worry about what others will think of the books they read, that fantasy is somehow Elevated. More thinky. More feminist, maybe? Which is stupid, because the jig is up, everyone knows that ACOTAR readers enjoy the faerie fucking (which is fine, again I have zero issue with the overall concepts there, the execution just doesn't work fr me) and that if you like Fourth Wing you prooooobably like that Lieutenant Sexy eats pussy like it's a four course meal. But I do think that, for whatever developmental reason (probably again YA fantasy) many readers see these fantasy vibes as more Srs than historicals (often seen as bodice rippers) and paranormals (often associated with mid-2000s books with "cringe" covers, which lmao fuck off, there were some AMAZING books in that era).

I also think that there is a huge self consciousness around reading older books. A) because new is always better right and B) because there's this idea that older books are always problematic. And many are! And in some cases you can't get past that. In some cases, you can; it's case by case. I can get past the frankly noncon scenes in say, A Hunger Like No Other. Some people can't. That's fine. What's less fine, imo, is judging people for enjoying content that is like... supposed to be written as bad and extreme and the result of the hero being a literally brain cracked werewolf lol. But because that judgment is pervasive, especially on BookTok--"you reeeeead that toxic shiiiit"--I think that a lot of readers have negative perceptions of older books, other genres, etc.

And you do, imo, kind of have to read older books to get at a lot of the standouts in historical and paranormal. Good ones--great ones--are being published. But the rate of quality books for both subgenres ain't what it was say, 15 years ago. Very few authors are publishing paranormals like IAD right now. A lot of new historicals read as very watered down to me.

Honestly, though I doubt readers will cop to this, I suspect that part of the appeal of fantasy romance is also that they can dismiss the heroes doing messed up shit (which frankly, a lot of the best heroes across romance do) with like "HE WAS DOING A FAERIE SPELL" or "you wouldn't understand, fantasy politics". Historicals they don't wrap their minds around being able to excuse because the heroes are human even if historical heroes don't act like real people lol, and to me the kinds of paranormals that I think of as having fucked heroes... are so messily dark and wild that a lot of these readers aren't aware of them, lol.

So yeah, I think there is typical generational stuff going on, and also--publishing fuckery, lol. I'm skeptical of a lot of BookTok being genuinely organic. TikTok in general is half marketing content at this point, and I don't see why BookTok would be any different.

[stuffgoeswrong]

Maybe it's late but do chuuaku next if you feel like it!!! Have a sweet day 💕

Of course! It's never too late!

Chuuaku

Ship it

What made you ship it?

Honestly? This person's art--I mean look at it. I love their style, it's gorgeous. After that, I just started seeing more official art of them and hearing about the hype for Chuuaku on Twitter (or at least I thought it was fairly popular over there). Then I began to rethink the characters and what they could have in common, which turns out is kind of a lot. To quote my anime journal, they've both been hurt by Dazai and have been lone wolves for most of their lives. They've been through so much and I want them to bond over being used by people they once trusted (Aku--Dazai, Chuuya--Shirase, Verlaine, anyone else from Stormbringer? I haven't actually read it yet). They each ponder their self-worth but admire those around them (Chuuya admires Mori's leadership but worries about his own humanity, Akutagawa admires Atsushi for being able to stand up to him but doesn't see his own strength as good enough, and obvs Dazai). Listen, so we all know Chuuya is a loyal character, it's one of his core traits. But Akutagawa has that same potential too! He's kept his promise to Atsushi not to kill anyone for six months. I believe Beast even as an alternate universe implies traits that are there in every version of a character, so Akutagawa's protection over Gin can also be seen as loyalty. Any two people being fiercely devoted to each other or having that possibility is a huge plus for me. Yeah, they haven't had any actual scenes together in the main story (ig Dead Apple kinda counts, I always forget that exists) which made me a little iffy at first, but they've had a little screentime together in Wan! which is good enough for me and I ended up loving them!

2. What are your favorite things about the ship?

Chuuaku's vibes are like off the charts emo autumn season and I love it. Their color schemes are so Halloween-y and I always picture them within an aesthetic collage of hot chocolate, falling leaves, and overcast skies. I also like how easy it usually is to come up with headcanons for them, like Akutagawa would be so bad at compliments (thinking about him like Kageyama saying knife instead of nice) and Chuuya would appreciate him trying yet he's so much smoother at it, they both shop at Hot Topic, love similar music, effective on missions together, find it easy to bully people together, and go on midnight motorcycle rides to help Akutagawa's lungs. Oh, I love that Chuuya is kind of the mentor Aku never had and so it's for sure just one of the most positive relationships Aku could have. Also, it seems to me they're both workaholics so it would be fun to see them realize this about each other and force the other to work out making time for fun things, not necessarily with each other. In my opinion, Chuuya needs someone calmer than Dazai and Akutagawa needs someone who's patient but still outgoing. Of course, I believe that with any Akutagawa ship, he needs to be less obsessed with Dazai to be more in tune with his partner. I think Chuuya could help him move past this because of his specific position in Akutagawa's life as a coworker and someone who knows Dazai pretty personally. Overall I like that this ship, like my other favorites, is pretty balanced power-wise, has a great aesthetic, is on opposite ends of the personality spectrum, and has room for "missing or behind the scenes" fanfictions. Also the possibilities for AUs (from mayoi alone we get detectives and bandmates)!

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

Not sure since there aren't several fans I've talked to about Chuuaku, but I'm gonna use this opportunity to say that these are the top songs that remind me of them: I Will Follow You into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie, Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne, Better Than Me by The Brobecks, Easily by Bruno Major. Perhaps my unpopular opinion would be that they're actually just very domestic.

Thanks for the ask!

[catrillion]

Automata Weekly Update 2/4/23

I decided I wanna start sharing excerpts each week of things I've written for Automata while also sharing my progress for that week! Mostly it's so I can look back and see my progress over time, but also it's a fun way to share bits of what I've written.

So this week, I wrote 9k words. I focused a lot on Toru, Nami, Hyakuji, and Rikka- I love writing for these guys, too, because they each have such fun personalities and play off of each other so well.

Also!! This week I had the special experience of writing something that made me cry! How exciting!! (It's not the part I'm sharing today lol, sorry)

Anyway. As of today, my total word count for Automata is 90,313. I'm hoping to make it to 100k by the end of the month. Now that I'm not feeling sick, I think I can do it! Honestly, so long as nothing big happens, I think I can do it in the next week or two.

Under this read more, I have an excerpt I wrote this week- this is like the only part I worked on this week that isn't full of spoilers lol.

The blonde girl- the one with the short hair who wasn’t Nami- was a few steps behind him and also had a bag of her own slung over her shoulder. “I can get the door, you know! You don’t have to-”

Out of nowhere, there was the sound of commotion behind him. Akashi turned back to doors to the cafeteria- Hyakuji had kicked them open and was making his way to the side of the room toward the kitchen. He had two large cloth bags that were full-to-bursting.

“If you weren’t so slow,” he shouted back over his shoulder, “I wouldn’t have to!”

Akashi looked around the room. Everyone had already gone back to their regular conversations. This must have been a pretty regular occurrence.

Rikka caught up with Hyakuji and pushed him with her free hand before blowing past him. “Jackass,” she barked back at him. Weirdly, she followed it up immediately with a laugh.

A man popped his head out of the kitchen. “You two should be careful or else we’re gonna lose all of the groceries again,” he admonished.

“She started it,” Hyakuji huffed.

She didn’t argue. She just stuck out her tongue.

Irekae scoffed, drawing Akashi’s attention back to their table. “They’re so immature,” he grumbled. He looked back at Akashi. “You said you’re training with him today?”

He nodded. “Right after lunch.”

“Ugh. I wish you’d done us all a favor and did kill him the other day.”

“Irekae!”

“What? I’m joking.” Irekae leaned in toward Akashi. He placed his elbow on the table and jabbed his thumb behind him at Hyakuji, who was still unloading the contents of the bags and arguing with the kitchen staff. “But seriously, it’s not too late. He’d never see it coming and-”

Izumi swatted his hand. “You’re the worst,” she huffed.

“Yeah, yeah. So? How about it?”

As much as he didn’t want to do this training session, he was even less keen on this idea. “Uh, sorry. I don’t think I’m going to do that.”

He threw his hands up. “Man, what good is having the Guild’s combot around if you’re not even gonna kill a few annoying people?”

“We told you, Irekae-kun; he’s not the Guild’s weapon.”

“Uh-huh.” He didn’t sound very confident in that.

He decided he was going to assume that Irekae had been joking- the alternative seemed just as likely, but he didn’t want to think about that- and rubbed the back of his neck. “To be honest, I’m... I’m nervous about training with him.”

“You should be,” Irekae said. Even though he was agreeing with him, three comment didn't feel particularly helpful.

“He’s really not so bad,” Izumi responded.

Oukan nodded. “Yeah. Hyakuji’s funny.”

He looked back at them both. He wasn’t sure if he agreed with Oukan’s assessment.

That was when Hyakuji noticed Akashi looking his way. He shouted, “Oi! Okashi!”

“Aw shit, he’s coming over,” Irekae hissed.

And coming over he was. Rikka followed, hovering a few steps behind the entire way.

Hyakuji slammed his hands on the table. “Okashi, I hope you haven’t forgotten about training today,” he said, still shouting as if they were still across the room from one another.

He looked up at Hyakuji. It just means he likes you, he reminded himself. “We were just talking about that, actually.”

“Great. And this time, look out- I'm not going easy on you again.”

He looked around the table. “O-okay.”

Oukan leapt up in her seat. “Hey! Hyakuji! Did you bring us anything good this time?”

“Something up to the palates of this here picky eaters association? Doubt it.” He gestured with his thumb back at the kitchen. “The soup kitchen had some extra ingredients they wanted to share, so we’ve got leeks, onions, a few potatoes-“

Oukan scrunched up her nose.

He laughed. “Hey, it’s free veggies. You know how much a damn potato goes for these days?”

The girl cleared her throat. “Hey. Hyakuji.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, alright Rikka. Look, I gotta go finish getting this put away.” He pointed at Akashi. “I’ll see you after ‘lunch.’” Once again he was laughing.

He knew he was making fun of him, but Akashi just nodded. “Okay. I'll be there.”

Hyakuji knocked his knuckles against the table and turned to get back to his chores. Rikka followed again, but her icy glare was trained on Akashi the entire way.

[topgunruinedme]

Doing it like this because of annon 😁

What ship would you like to see more often?  Hollywolf and Floydsinshaw!!

What’s a rare ship that you enjoy that’s not seen often? I don't know if this counts, but a while ago I read a Omegaverse fic where Jester had a mate, Vinny and they where so cute together. Kinda like grumpy x sunshine trope and I absolutely love it. (But it was mostly about IceMav)

What’s your favourite of my fics? I am absolutely obsessed with your Less Than Achievable series on Ao3. I literally cannot wait for more.

What do you enjoy the most (genre, whump, love, affection/Platonic, etc)? I love everything that has the '86 class and dagger squad family theme. And I love the 'Mav has to raise baby Bradley but the '86 class + Viper & Jester show up one day and won't leave so they're stuck with them and everyone argues who's Bradley's favorite'.

How are you guys?  Kinda shitty tbh 🥲 I'm just back from a sort school trip that took two days where you learn about being in a team and stuff. We had a whole day outside with way to many snow and it was cold and boring. And when we went back to the train station, I got carsick (actually bus sick because we where in a bus) and then when we had to switch trains I threw up on the platform when everyone was leaving the train and everyone stared at me (also people from my school) and I was so embarrassed.

Tell me a fun fact about yourself?  -I'm from the Netherlands. -I have a cat without a tail. -I have celiac disease. -I'm trying to write a book, but I'm failing horribly and thinking about giving up. -I buy more books than that I read. -I read a unhealthy amount of fluff and smut because i've been single for way to long. -Last week my ex broke up with me through a text and then I found out that he has been cheating on me with my (ex) best friend for the past 2 months.

-🦊

Foxie!

I was just thinking about you.

I would be happy to write some more Hollywolf and Floydsinshaw. I admit they are not ships I typically go to but I can certainly experiment with them.

haha i can defiantly have a look into character like Jester and Viper if you want some moody old men content.

You'll be happy to know that I'm just waiting for my Beta to sign off for my next chapter of Less Than Achievable, I'm hoping to have it out soon.

Fun fact, that series was only meant to be 7 chapters long, were now at chapter 6 and I have a lot to cover yet. So many idea's running through my head.

I really like this idea, 'Mav has to raise baby Bradley but the '86 class + Viper & Jester show up one day and won't leave so they're stuck with them and everyone argues who's Bradley's favorite'. I'm sort of attempting something similar with my Dagger Daycare series. I've never explored it before it came to me on a whim but I'm really enjoying writing the series so I hope to continue with the 1986 flyboy and Bradley/ daggers family theme.

I'm, so sorry to hear that life's kind of shit at the moment. I'm sorry that you found your camp boring (i was never one for camp either, I was the weird kid in the corner playing with toads). I used to get really badly car sick so I know exactly how bad that feels. I've thrown up on so many people that the embarrassment eventually fades. My class had a bingo card at one point after I vomited on my Principle (Twice). Let me know if I can do anything to help you through it or make it more manageable!

Oh I thought about visiting the Netherlands this year, its a beautiful country. I love cats but unfortunately I'm allergic to them which is very sad instead I own a very dumb but lovable dog who I Absolutely love. Don't worry start a book is hard work and it will come with a lot of failure. But that only builds the platform to success. Don't give up! there will be many first drafts before your final. 90% of the time you will want to give up, its a struggle. But trust me if you push through it, its worth it. It took me a long time to feel satisficed with what I was writing. One book I wrote when I was younger I absolutely hated to the bottom of my heart and yet it became one of my most popular. It takes patience and dedication, I believe if you want it hard enough and your willing to work for it you will do just fine. (Let me know/send me through a private message if you want any advice or help/ or just have a conversation about anything (e.g. the weather) I'm free and open to anything. I enjoy talking to you guys).

I defiantly buy far more books then I read. I tend to buy a book every time I go out.

I read far to much fanfiction, I can go through few hundred story's a day. I believe I've lead at least 95% of the top fanfiction at this rate.

Personally, your ex wasn't worth his title if he's going to break up with you in such an immature way. He didn't deserve you! Especially if he thought cheating on you with a friend was a good idea. You beast friend doesn't deserve her title as well. I'm glad you've dumped them both, go out a treat yourself a bit. You deserve to be happy and positive. Try going out on a walk by yourself, just listen to the nature around you. Try some mediation. Take this time to learn about yourself, what your needs are and find your inner calm. If you can understand what you need, then you can find friends who will accept you for who you are without asking you to change. You should never change yourself to fit someone else's needs.

Take care of yourself Foxie.

I'm happy to report that I have recently been working on your Wolfman/Oc nurse request. I honestly didn't expect to have this much fin writing this request I only intended it to be a 1-2k at most but it seams my mind has gotten away from me...

[pipermca]

Writing Year in Review - 2022

On the one hand, I really like doing "year in review" posts and musings. It gives you a chance to look back on what you've accomplished, and lets you prepare yourself for what you want to do in the year head. On the other hand, if your accomplishments didn't measure up to whatever yardstick you're using, it can be a disappointing and demoralizing experience.

This year was, in my opinion, a rather lackluster year for writing for me. It's definitely not for a lack of ideas or interest – if anything, my WIP folder and ideas list are filled with all sorts of stories that I really want to finish. What has been lacking is the time, energy and motivation to apply butt to seat and get some writing done.

That's not the only thing I "failed" at – I came nowhere near my reading goal of 24 books. But there was a book I finished in the summer that had bogged me down for years and I was determined to finish it, which I did! And I'm working my way through The Expanse series by checking the books out of the library. (I'm about 75% done with the series!) I think I'll be scaling my reading goal back to 12 books again this year, so that I can feel pleased when I blow past it. 😅

However, I am trying to be kind to myself, as there were a lot of competing priorities and distractions. I struggled with anxiety of a whole variety of things. I buried myself in video games (specifically grabbing some titles recommended by others), and the new WoW expansion came out in November which has sucked up a lot of my time in December. And since the pandemic is over now (huge, massive /sarcasm tag on that) we spent time travelling: first heading west to see Spouse's family, and then driving east to visit my family.

This summer I got to hug my parents for the first time in three years.

Anyway, with all that happening, I am happy with what I did get done. December was a complete bust (see previous bit about WoW: Dragonflight coming out) in that I only wrote 735 words, but I also worked on the photocomic I posted in December.

In 2022 I posted 10 works to AO3, for a total of 47,609 words. A lot of that was either zine pieces that I could finally publish, or comic scripts. I also wrote 84,544 words. A chunk of that was for the IDW2 worldbuilding reviews (which I really have to get back to), and for a WIP that I haven't started posting yet.

Most months I didn't hit that 10,000 word threshold I have for myself, but that's ok. For the most part I was still writing consistently, even if the output wasn't quite as high as I would have liked. Looking at my writing tracker, you can also see the slow trend downwards in word count per week... Not great, but understandable.

 When I did get some writing done, my words per hour were still rather consistent. Last year I averaged 500-600wph, while this year it's more like 600-800wph. Not bad! I just need to carve out more time to do that writing in my day. 💗

And speaking of making time to write, here's another graph where you can see the slow erosion of the time I spent writing. There was a big burst in September (as I think that's when my muse really wanted to work on that smutty story with Prowl) but otherwise I've been spending less and less time writing as the year went on.

As for the concrete goals I set for myself in 2022, I didn't do terribly. I originally posted these in order of priority.

Finish Must Like Cats Yes! Done!

Finish Sun and Moon (working title) Haha no, but still working on it

Apply for two zines (if something catches my eye) Mmm, I applied for one*. So, 50%.

Write two comic scripts for practice I wrote one, so again, 50%.

Finish The King and the Bounty Hunter Nope.

Start By Fire and Flame (working title) Hahhaa no.

*No word on if this zine is getting off the ground, and I'm not holding my breath at this point.

In coming up with priorities for this year, I want to make sure they're obtainable, and focused on getting stuff done. (sigh) So here's this year's list:

Finish Sun and Moon (working title)

Finish one Sparkr story (any of my bunnies or WIPs!)

Write two comic scripts for practice

Make more progress in IDW2 reviews

Finish The King and the Bounty Hunter

Also, one of my "maintenance" goals is to repost the stories I pulled down. I have a couple of story compilations, and the fact that they're in compilations have caused me some issues (for example, it's difficult to link to a specific chapter in some cases, and I can't include a single chapter in a series.) So I'm going to be revising and reposting those stories in 2023.

Behind the cut is the first sentence of each of the stories I posted, and the month it was posted in. I hope everyone has a lovely 2023.

January. Armed. We're in a medical bay. (This is a comic script; you can view the comic here.)

March. Must Like Cats. Sideswipe woke slowly, rising out of recharge one system at a time.

April. Private Parts. A heavy arm fell across Blast Off's shoulders.

May. An Interview with the Award-Winning Engraving Artist Sunstreaker of Kaon. At first glance, the studio looks empty, almost abandoned.

June. The Wild Hunt. Hot Rod couldn't remember when he'd first heard about the Wild Hunt.

July. Time Together. Emperor Starscream watched as Skywarp bounced on the tips of his pedes, his wings flicking with every bounce.

August. Quiet Now. Hound felt like the unluckiest bot in the galaxy.

October. How the Praxians Lost Their Wings. "Kup, tell Dinobots a story."

November. VIP. "In conclusion, this operation should result in an estimated 63% reduction in the Decepticons' offensive ability, and provide us with an additional two months in which we can work with our human allies to fortify our defenses."

December. Mission Creep. Jazz is driving in alt mode. (Another comic script; you can view the comic here.

[barelynotsinking]

Kinda just need to vent. My home life is kind of shit. My parents blow up and you can never tell when they will but it always feels like it's your fault. I never feel safe with them. Today CPS came for a visit, my ceiling has a hole in it which My parents haven't fixed in the past 2.5 years. We are upper middle class and can afford it they just don't have time. Our house is old and it is likely there is both asbestos and lead in the ceiling and it is now in my room. I've lived there for the past 2.5 years and until last month there has been no effort to move me or fix the hole despite them knowing the dangers. Everytime I ask them about they yell at me and essentially call me ungrateful. They are very busy and work 10+ hour work days but this is important to my health, it is not my fault, and I've asked very respectfully understandingly and politely. In the past 2.5 years I have only made two step forward, all within the last month. I've been moved to a different room and my parents now tell me about the efforts they are making to fix the hole (which they only started in genuine a month ago). Everything in our house is broken and they make no effort to fix it. They blame it on us for being careless and clumsy, but it is a house with 2 teenagers and a tween. All depressed and 2 with diagnosed adhd. They scream at us if we forget somethings as simplenas doing the dishes, they've called us names, they cuss us out, they bring in our hopes dreams and passions, things we told them when things were in a good place and turn them against us to use them as a put down. It's been like this for as long as I can remember but it's gotten worse in recent years as they have gotten more stressed. They don't realize what they are doing and I genuinely don't think they believe anything is wrong. But it's gotten to the point that my little sister has noticed. When they found out about CPS they weren't angry but they were stressed and I think they handled it all wrong. They told us we couldn't tell anyone about it, which sucks because the whole ordeal was incredibly stressful, though we knew we probably wouldn't be taken we still couldn't count on it and we needed the support from our friends (shout out to my bsf who I told anyway they're the only reason this is only a tiny bit less shit). They also told us not to be dramatic while talking to the social worker, like they knew something was wrong but thought it was our fault which fuckings sucks. They also told us that we needed to clean up so they didn't look like neglectful parents. Which is complete bullshit. Bc yeah they look like neglectful parents, they are neglectful parents, this is what neglectful parenting looks like. I had my CPS interview today (I went out to see a movie so I had missed the social worker) the entire way back home I was stressing and deciding whether or not to lie to them. On one hand there was that I love my siblings and CPS fucking sucks and I don't trust the government, but lying feels like giving my parents a pass for all the shit they do, it feels like saying their shitty treatment of me and my siblings is okay, because I'm "choosing it". I don't know what I was going to do, but I think lying would've been the bigger thing to do, not letting my petty rage get in the way or what not. But when I called the social worker she didn't ask me any questions, she just wanted to tick a box, she just needed to see my face. And in some ways I think that's worse, bc she didn't give a shit, she was supposed to and she didn't, and I twisted myself into knots just for her to do the bare minimum. Now I just feel like I'm not worth it and I'm making it all up. That is not that bad and I'm being dramatic. That I don't deserve that help. And honestly I don't know how true that is. But I just feel like shit

[johnsamericano]

𝔖𝔲𝔤𝔞𝔯 ℜ𝔲𝔰𝔥 𝔧.𝔧.𝔥

Hi everyone! As promised, here’s one of the two most voted fic continuations. There will be more chapters to this story though I'm not sure how many yet. Thank you for reading!

warnings: sugar daddy jae, mentions of injuries and hospitals, language.

taglist: @thoreeo @trustmahluv

Sugar rush m.list.

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the quiet hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the quiet hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the quiet hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

Where did everything go wrong?

Your string of thoughts was cut off by a call from your aunt.

Your string of thoughts was cut off by a call from your aunt.

“Hello?” Your voice was raspy from not using it. There was no one to talk to in the quiet, hospital room but the nurses, who weren't especially keen on chatting.

“How’s your dad, sweetie?”

“They let him out of ICU, but he doesn't look good to me.” Your fingers traced the cuts in his chiseled cheeks that would soon turn into scars, ruining his perfect skin. Your eyes then diverted to his head, thoroughly covered in bandages to protect his damaged skull.

“Honey, I've got bad news...”

“They rejected the case, didn't they?”

“Not precisely.” She deeply inhaled before continuing. “It’s a tough case, almost impossible to win, nonetheless, they're willing to take it. But their fee is a little...”

“Expensive.”

“Yes.”

As expected from the best firm in town, they wouldn't take less than $8,000. Your bank account didn't have enough money to even cover half of it, and with your job at the convenience store, you'd only earn so much to cover your expenses.

“We can take the lawyer that the government provides us with, it would be free.”

“But then I'm sure we’d lose.” You groaned in frustration, using your free hand to rub your forehead. “Don’t worry, I'll find a way to get the money.”

“Why don't we just accept the compensation they're offering? It could pay for the hospital bills and you'd still have some left to pay for your tuition.”

“That would be like putting a price on my father's life. I don't want their money, I want them to make themselves responsible for what they've caused.” The sound of wheels approached the door of your father's room, signaling the nurse was outside with his meds. “It’s okay, Auntie, I'll take care of everything. You can go back home, I know my uncle isn't doing so well.”

“Are you sure, darling?” It was undeniable that she wanted to head back to her little ranch fat away from the hectic city life to take care of her sick husband, but still, her brother was laying down on a hospital bed, fighting for his life.

“Yes, I'm an adult, I'll find a way.”

“Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to call me if you're having any difficulties. I'll be there in the blink of an eye.” She said before sending a kiss into the speaker, proceeding to hang up.

You sighed. It was never usual for you to ask for help, as you were an extremely prideful and independent person, and you doubted this time would be different.

“Don’t worry, dad. Everything will be alright.”

Three failed job interviews and one more to go. Your feet were killing you, the high heels covering them already worn out from walking to avoid taking the bus. Every penny counted, and as long as your legs worked, you weren't spending any more money than what was necessary.

You sat down in the waiting room of the company, massaging your neck to relieve some tension. College was becoming a burden. Maybe you'd take a semester off to focus on working, that is if someone wanted to hire an inexperienced student.

“Y/n, Y/l/n?”

“Here.” You darted up, gathering your belongings to enter the room on which your life almost literally depended.

You gave all the right answers, earning a polite ‘we’ll contact you’ in return. But you could see that they weren't convinced with your lack of experience, no company in their right mind would be.

As soon as you arrived at your apartment, you slid out of the uncomfortable pencil skirt, tucking yourself under the covers with your phone screen almost hitting your nose.

To take your mind off things, you decided to watch some videos. Halfway in, an ad popped up, interrupting the interior deco video you were watching.

A picture of a girl about your age hugging an older man was right in the middle of your screen. Written with fancy letters, the words ‘make your life simpler’ could be read, followed by what you guessed was the title of the app. Sugar rush.

Out of pure curiosity, your finger tapped at the small icon that led to the app store, absentmindedly clicking the download button. A few seconds later, an icon with the letters ‘SR’ was added to your home screen.

“Log in?” You murmured out loud, squinting your eyes to adjust your eyes to the bright, white homepage.

Just as you were about to click out, the phrase from the ad reappeared, stopping your finger from moving any further.

You could always delete your account if something went wrong, right? Nonetheless, you decided to use a false name, and that's how Melanie Kim’s profile was created. You left the circle of your profile picture empty for now, only filling the spaces that asked about your likes, dislikes, age, and all that stuff that people care about so much.

You knew what the app was for, but that didn't stop you from being surprised when a list of men and women of different ages greeted you. Right then, a small rectangle obstructed your sight, two buttons offering opposite things.

‘Pick the role you'd like to develop.’

Sugar daddy/mommy / Sugar baby.

Clearly, you didn’t have nor the money or the years to be the first, so you clicked the opposite button without giving it more thought.

‘Welcome. You've been registered as a sugar baby at Sugar rush. Meet thousands of men and women willing to finance you for free!’

You hummed.

‘As we're always looking to make our users’ experience better, we've developed Sugar Rush premium, a membership to meet the richest and hottest people in your surroundings. Get the premium version for only $5.95 a month. Click here to get Sugar Rush premium.’

Your finger pad was dangerously close to the blue button, almost grazing the screen of the phone. It was then when you were pulled out of your trance, blinking as if just then you'd realized what you were doing.

“I must be crazy.” You turned off your phone, not bothering to turn on an alarm for the next day. You had no interviews left. You had nowhere to go.

Waking up was getting harder with every passing day. Not being able to call your dad to go out for breakfast or even sending a simple good morning message hurt you deeply. You missed him. But seeing him laying down on a hospital bed, unable to do anything by himself, was even worse.

Ding

A notification filled the silence in your room.

‘Come back, you haven't finished setting up your account yet!’

You scoffed at your past self. What were you even thinking when you downloaded the app?

You simply turned off the phone before standing up to take a relaxing shower. As the water soaked up your tense body, your mind started wandering off back to the app. A million what-ifs filled your head, nonetheless, there was one that remained the most persistent.

‘What if this can pay for a lawyer?’

Your part-time job surely couldn't, and you had no one to assist you financially speaking. The whole idea of paying that ridiculous membership seemed more tempting as your fingers started getting wrinkly under the showerhead.

You decided to take some time to consider it, after all, you still had a week to give the lawyers an answer.

Hot soup seemed like a good option to comfort you, and thankfully, there was a store right in front of your place that claimed to sell the best soups in town.

It wasn't bad, but not nearly as good as the one your dad cooked when you were a kid. You sighed, wondering if you'd ever be able to eat it again. Just then, a woman about your age came into the shop, carrying a couple of bags where names of popular brands could be read. A pinch of jealousy made your heart stir as you glanced at yourself through the reflection in the glass at your side. You looked devastated, your skin pale and your cheekbones slightly sunken, a sign of the lack of rest and food you'd been getting.

Out of pure impulse, you pulled out your phone, clicked on the app you'd recently downloaded, and finally accepted the charges for a premium membership.

‘Welcome, new member of our wide community, click ok to get started!’

Well, no turning back now.

Right after pressing the blue letters with your thumb, you were presented with a list of potential prospects, some of them including pictures, some of them only including name and a brief description of what they were looking for. The minority included their ages, but most left the space blank.

A bunch of old men looking for a youthful, pretty woman to be by their sides, some of them even went as far as writing the weight and height their ideal partner should have. Of course, there were also some women in the look for young meat, but the number of men overpassed them.

About to exit the app in defeat, a profile caught your eye. His pale pink hair was parted, allowing his thick eyebrows to stand out. His high cheekbones made him look like a statue, the details in his face almost too perfect for a mere human. He must be the incarnation of a Greek God, you thought.

‘Jung Yoonoh. 41 years old. Owner of N & C.’

“Should I...?” You asked yourself in a voice lower than a whisper.

He has probably gotten hundreds of messages, so what would be the point of sending one yourself? Your eyes scanned the picture over and over again as the remains of your soup started getting cold.

He was probably the only acceptable man in the whole app, so why not give it a try?

You already spent five whole dollars on it, might as well make it worth the money.

‘Hi.’ Sent.

“Holy crap.” You breathed out, regretting every single action that led you to take such a stupid decision. “Ah!” You squeaked as three small dots appeared beside his profile picture, signaling he was writing a reply.

What if he rejected you right from the beginning? God, that would be so humiliating. His message stopped your train of thought.

‘Hi!’

Followed by:

‘How are you?’

Sweating like a pig, thank you for asking.

‘Fine. You?’ Read.

‘Thrilled. No one had messaged me since I created my account two weeks ago.’

‘How is that possible?’ You imprinted your thoughts on a message.

‘It’s hard to trust people nowadays. I guess people might think either my picture is photoshopped or I'm lying about my job.’

‘Their loss, ig.’ Read.

He was taking some time to answer. Had you said something inappropriate?

‘Hahaha.’

The conversation stopped there, as you didn't know how exactly to answer his message. But a few minutes later, another text from him popped up at your chat.

‘If you're okay with it, we can start talking about a possible arrangement.’

Already? You've known each other for like five minutes. But then again, arrangements were the whole purpose of the app.

‘Sure.’

‘May I ask your reasons for joining the app?’

‘I need urgent money, but my job doesn't pay nearly enough.’ You omitted the part of your agonizing father, he didn't need to know that. ‘And you?’

‘I need someone to be my partner at public spaces.’

‘Alright.’ Read.

‘Do you happen to have some free time tomorrow at lunchtime? I think it’d be better to meet first before making any decisions.’

‘Yeah, I'm free.’

‘Great, I’ll send you the address.’

You thought a day would be enough to prepare yourself, but time passed by quicker than usual, and soon enough, it was time to get ready for your meeting with Mr. Jung. He was only a few years younger than your father, and calling him by his first name wouldn't feel right.

Unsure if you should wear something formal, you threw on a beige (the color you'd agreed on wearing so it’d be easier to recognize each other) summer dress, pairing it with the gold hoops you'd inherited from your grandma to make it look more elegant.

The hardest part of your routine was makeup. Your sunken cheeks couldn't be covered, and only after a few layers of blush and highlighter, you could bring your skin back to life.

On your way to the cafe, you went through the things you'd say when you met him. It was your chance to get your father what he needed.

You stood at the entrance with wide, scared eyes, shyly scanning through the place to look for your date.

“Melanie?” A hand on your shoulder had you jolting. “I’m Jung Yoonoh, nice to meet you.”

What you saw after turning around was breathtaking. A handsome, healthy man, with the most beautiful pair of dimples.

“Nice to meet you.” You managed to blurt out without stuttering, extending your hand to make the greeting more formal. The fake name didn’t seem necessary anymore. “It’s actually y/n, I didn't want to use my real name.”

“I understand. Let’s take a seat.” He offered with a kind smile.

He left you seating at the terrace while he made your order, a latte, and a chocolate cookie. Your fingers played with your hoops anxiously, trying to regulate your breath.

“They’ll bring our food in just a sec.” He offered a warm smile. “Your dress is pretty.” Yoonoh said out of nowhere.

“Thank you.”

“I see you're not a chatty person.” You were about to object, but he started speaking again. “It's not a bad thing! I usually talk a lot, so it’s a nice way to balance things.”

You nodded, seemingly uncomfortable with the man sitting in front of you.

“So, uhm, this is my first time doing this, so I'm not really sure where to begin.” He pulled out a folded paper from the front pocket of his dressing pants. “It’s a bit creased, but I can always print another one. I brought it so you could take a look and let me know if you wanted to change anything. I don't mean to pressure you, but you said it was urgent, so...”

You read the paper under his attentive gaze, making sure not to miss a single word. Everything seemed correct, except...

“Six months?”

“Is that too much?” A small wrinkle formed between his eyebrows, a sign of deep concentration. “Okay, so let's do this instead.”

He took back the contract, pulling out a pen from the pocket in his dressing shirt to correct the original stipulations.

“Four months, and if by the end of them you don't absolutely hate me, we can extend the time. Deal?”

“Just one more thing.”

You cleared your throat, conscious that your following words might jeopardize the whole arrangement.

“Are you sure you want to make it official already?” You had to stop for a moment as the waiter left your orders on top of the wooden table. “I mean, it's not that I have a problem with it, but it's your money and maybe you'd like to give it a better thought.” You resumed.

“The fact that you're concerned about me proves I'm making the right choice. Now, tell me, how much would you like to receive as a weekly allowance?”

Would it be too reckless to ask him straight up for the $8,000?

“H-how much are you willing to give me?” You felt dirty, accepting a stranger’s money like that.

“Whatever you need.” His hand suddenly reached forward to yours, causing every ounce of blood in your body to rush to your face. “There’s no need to be embarrassed, I'm here to help you.” His voice tone dropped, acquiring an almost soothing feeling.

“I need eight thousand by Thursday, next week.” His eyes were wide open, mouth having difficulties remaining closed. “I-I know it's too much, but...”

“I can find a way to give you that money, but I'd like to know the reason why you need it. Just to make sure it's nothing illegal.”

You puffed your cheeks, trying to find an excuse good enough to justify the amount of money you were asking for.

“It isn’t illegal, is it?”

“No!” You retrieved your hand from below his, now embarrassed at the possibility of him having a bad image of you. “I need it for my father.”

“I suppose you don't want to talk about it.” He started at his palm, lips pressed in a thin life. “But when it comes to arrangements like this, we need to trust each other, alright?” You barely knew each other, yet, he demanded to know a very personal detail of your life. Not that he didn't have a good reason for wanting to know, it wasn't a particularly small amount of money.

“He had an accident at work...” You started, fearful of looking up to find pity in his eyes. “I need a lawyer to make his company legally responsible. They intend to throw it under the rug and pay a somewhat decent amount of money to make it go away. The firm I intend to hire is supposedly the best in town, probably my only chance of getting justice.”

“And why don't you just accept it? There's no guarantee that your lawyer will win the case.” You fisted the delicate fabric of your dress, eyes watering as you tried to hold back your anger.

“My father’s life is priceless, and if you think what I'm doing is a waste of money, then fine, we can both look for someone else to help us.” It sounded more aggressive than you'd first intended, but you meant every word that came out of your mouth.

Before you could even stand up, his slim fingers had already wrapped themselves around your wrist.

“I never said that.” He whispered with an almost sad tone. “Come on, sit down.”

He tugged at your arm the slightest, showing off his charming dimples once again.

“I’ll give you the money on one condition...” He raised one of his thick eyebrows. “I’ll go with you to see the lawyer.”

“Why...?”

“That’s my condition, take it or leave it.”

“Okay.”

The days before your meeting with your potential lawyer were nerve-wracking. You'd seen Yoonoh another time to sign the contract, which finally made your arrangement official.

You’d visit your father every day, always hoping he'd be sitting with his arms wide open, ready to hug you. But nothing had changed ever since he first came into that room.

“I’m here to see Mr. Kim.” The secretary's gaze lingered on Jaehyun a few seconds before he finally snapped out of it. “Y/n Y/l/n.”

“Just a second.” He opened his agenda and quickly found your appointment. With a warm smile, he guided you through the corridors of the building, all the way to the elevator. “It’s the only office on the last floor, I'll be at my desk if you need anything.”

Once again, he shot Jae an uneasy glance before the metal doors slid close.

“What was all that?” To be honest, you couldn't care less. But a small chat might calm your nerves and prevent you from throwing up all over the place.

“What do you mean?” He grinned, pressing the button to the top floor.

“You know what I mean.” You scoffed, annoyed at his evasive behavior.

“We just happen to know each other, nothing special.” Before the conversation could continue, a loud ding resonated through the metal cubicle. “Let’s go.” His hand found its place at the small of your back, pushing you towards the glass door. Through it, you could see a black-haired man reading a pile of documents, occasionally raising a photo to examine it with his gold-rimmed glasses supported at the bridge of his elegant nose.

Jaehyun extended his arm over your shoulder to knock on the door, earning an almost annoyed ‘come in’ from the man inside.

“Let’s go.” Once again invading your personal space, he reached for the doorknob with you trapped between his arms.

As soon as the door opened, the man raised his eyes from the documents he was checking.

“What are you doing here, Jung?”

“I knew something was off...” You murmured, loud enough for the man at your side to chuckle.

“I brought you a client, you should be happy.”

“Miss y/n, I suppose. Have a seat.” His demeanor completely changed while speaking directly to you. “I spoke with your aunt last week, she explained the details of the lawsuit, but I must say, it isn't an easy case.”

“I know that, but I've been told you're the best firm in town, I know I'll have more possibilities of winning if you're my lawyer.”

“Best firm in town my ass.”

“Be silent or I’ll kick you out of the building.”

That was enough for Yoonoh to zip his mouth. For a while at least.

“I suppose she also told you about our fee.” He pushed his glasses up using his thumb. “We’d also keep 25% of the lawsuit money assuming we win the case, is that okay with you?”

“Yes-”

“Okay, stop.”

“I’ll call security, Jung.”

“Look at me, y/n.” He squeezed your arms. “This clown is trying to scam you...” He pointed his finger at the lawyer without breaking eye contact. “You’d be spending loads of money for someone who isn't even confident in his abilities. It isn't worth it.”

“And I suppose you'd do better than me, then.” The black-haired man scoffed. “If that's the case, then you can both leave. I'm quite busy at the moment.” With a turn of his wrist, he signaled you to leave the room.

You were fuming, stomping out of the building with Jaehyun right behind you.

“I found a great restaurant nearby, we can go there and-”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Calm down-”

“Don’t tell me to calm down when you just fucked up my only chance to give those bastards what they deserve.” The sun was starting to set, yellow light casting shadows over his tender cheeks.

“Can you listen to me for a second?”

“Are you laughing right now?” You bit your lip, hard, trying to hold back the tsunami of tears threatening to come out of your eyes. “Asshole.”

“Ouch.” He furrowed his eyebrows mockingly. Oh, how close you were to punch that pretty face of his. “Can I explain now?”

You remained silent, staring at the ground with the smallest frown between your eyebrows.

“How do you think I know Kim Doyoung?” Before even giving you a chance to answer, he continued. “That son of a bitch has been stealing my clients for ages.”

“Your clients...?”

“He isn't even that good of a lawyer compared to me.” He scoffed with fake arrogance.

“You're a lawyer?!” You slammed your palms into your face, whining at the newly acquired information. “Why didn't you tell me from the beginning?”

“Just wanted to swing by and annoy him a bit. Don't worry, I wasn't gonna let you accept his deal.” He winked playfully.

The sun was now hidden, the sky darkening as the moon rose to take its shift.

“Though I gotta say, I'm kinda offended I wasn't even an option. I'm a pretty great lawyer, you know?”

“Sorry.”

“I’ll forgive you if you join me for dinner. What do you say?”

As you walked into the darkness of the streets, his shoulder occasionally bumping yours, you wondered if meeting him was a casualty. Maybe the world was finally smiling at you.