#also FUCK THAT LITTLE PLOT TWIST IN THERE

[thewadapan]

Maybe Nost's best story! Also his least fun. Definitely did not like reading most of it. Would recommend reading... maybe any of the others over this one?

I think with The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen, Nost has managed to write a book which is haunted.

Stepping back a little. Herschel Schoen seems to have been conceived almost as a short story, which only happens to be as long as it is as a result of the (deliberately) belaboured and verbose prose used by all the narrators. It's much closer to The Northern Caves in this respect, which I remember as being mostly straightforward and intelligible, with only the highly-divisive ending leaving me with a dangling "??????" to grapple with. Meanwhile, with Floornight and Almost Nowhere, I often struggled to keep up with the object-level facts of what was even happening in the plot/world, and I feel like I mostly read those stories "on vibes", following them mostly in terms of their subtext.

So yeah, Herschel Schoen to me felt like it was using the "fairytale" format of being a Christmas story to streamline things as much as possible, such that both the object-level events of the story and the batshit conceptual-melting-pot subtext were more or less legible to me, despite Herschel's incredibly unreliable prose. There is a sense in which it feels like a children's story to me. It has very few characters, and those characters are extraordinarily archetypal.

So I do think Almost Nowhere retains its crown as Nost's most ambitious, most revolutionary, and most complex novel—if I say that I found Herschel Schoen "better", it's only because I feel I was able to understand it. It speaks more to my failure as a reader than anything.

In terms of my experience as a reader, it was fairly similar to that described by @recordcrash in his review. Most of the story is a fucking struggle to get through, mostly because of... the prose? The pacing? These issues are really the same issue: what few events occur in the book take ages to describe, and the fact that every recounting takes forever means that there physically isn't room to cram in more events. And as Makin Recordcrash puts it: I just don't enjoy hearing the thoughts of an unwell mind, particularly at length. All of Nost's books have it, this entirely-made-up concept which "you just wouldn't understand" but which it nevertheless will tell you about at length. There's Salby and mundum in The Northern Caves, there's Azad and the aliens in Almost Nowhere, there's whatever the metaphysics shit was in Floornight (I forgor), and this is the book that has the most of it, proportionally.

(My girlfriend bounced right off it- actually, let me use this opportunity to tell a story. When we first met, we were talking about the internet or something, and for whatever reason at one point I unironically said something like "oh yeah I read this cool novel set on a forum but you probably wouldn't have heard of it" and she just went "oh do you mean The Northern Caves?" and I briefly became convinced that she was some sort of psyop intended to oneshot me, a notion I have still not been able to shake over two years later. Point is her remark on the first two chapters of Herschel Schoen was something like "it's too Nostalgebraist for me", which I think is understandable.)

Anyway, like Makin, I struggled with most of the book, only for Chapter 21 to be so fucking good that it sort of retroactively made the rest of the book good, at least insofar as it was mostly necessary to set up such an audacious ending? Even knowing that this had been Makin's reaction, I wasn't prepared to believe it—again, usually Nost books are very much the other way around—but lo and behold, the twist is in fact very clever, very fun to read, and very aligned with my aesthetic interests.

All that said, I do feel like Makin sort of bombed through the book (by comparison, it's taken me almost two weeks to finish it), and maybe missed out on some of the more fun and interesting stuff the book is doing on a thematic level. Below, I'll try to delve into my interpretations in more detail.

I've seen a few takes from people that the main thematic throughlines of this book are a bit disconnected from one another, but to me this couldn't be further from the truth.

I identified four main themes, in descending order of prominence: "neurodivergence", "AI", "media", and "capitalism". I guess you could say "Christmas" is something of a fifth ur-theme, which dovetails into these in superficial ways:

Neurodivergence—the idea of "believing in Santa Claus" is framed as stunted development, a delusion which reveals someone to be less mature mentally than they are physically. The book is specifically concerned with contrasting dysfunctional "child" behaviour with functional "adult" behaviour, flipping these ideas on their head by having Ruth and Miriam basically lose it over the course of the story. A sister inverted. Also, the "preparations" needed to be made before Christmas morning are very much analogised with obsessive compulsions, right?

AI—like Santa Claus, something which promises to fulfil all our wishes, instantly, at the same time.

Media—particularly in terms of relations between Christianity and... secular Christmas, right? The story is very much riffing on the structure of Christmas stories specifically. To me, it feels like a world literally dreamed up based on Christmas stories. That, more than anything, is why it's set in New York, I think.

Capitalism—notions of "wanting", of meritocracy. I don't know, we all know "A Christmas Carol", I don't need to explain this one.

Like, if I had to guess at the genesis of this book, based on Nostalgebraist's comments, I feel like it's taking the starting point of "story about what if the AI doomers were right" -> "through the lens of Christmas" -> "[everything else in the story]". Of course there are tons of other influences in there, but those to me feel like the two ideas with the most explanatory power.

But even if you discount the underlying idea "Christmas", I don't think you could tell a good story about AI (in its current form) without writing about neurodivergence, media, or capitalism. If we're tasked with imagining a non-human mind, it makes sense to first imagine the most-non-human human mind, right? If we're talking about the machine's output, its facsimile of media, we have to talk about the real thing too, right? And if we're asking about the purpose of AI, what exactly it is we're trying to industrialise, what scarcity we are trying to erase, then we have to talk about capitalism as well! For me this was all perfectly obvious, I dunno.

I was pleased that I noticed many of the same things @weaselandfriends identified in his list of observations on the book. When it described the wall of doors in the living room, my mind went, "that's fucking weird!", though I didn't really think too deeply about it. The same things goes for all the anachronisms, which I think is one of the story's best gimmicks. Yes, for most of the story, they serve to create a "timeless" atmosphere, evoking all these Christmas stories at once, while simultaneously putting into doubt the reality of what Herschel and Miriam are describing.

But then, of course, with the twist, I think it's pretty hard not to read these as anything other than hallucinations conjured by the AI. And what I think is particularly brilliant is that the story at no point calls direct attention to the anachronisms as being of particular significance—you only notice them because you know enough "facts" about the real world to notice them—which naturally calls into question the elements of the story which are wholly ficticious, where there's no ground truth to compare against. Just how real are Herschel, Miriam, Ruth, anyone!? And does it even matter how real they are?

Part of the book's "magic trick", as I read it, is that both interpretations of Herschel's POV are able to coexist within the reality of the story. We can imagine that there really existed a boy perhaps called Herschel Schoen (just as we can imagine there really existed a guy called Jesus? This is silly, pretend I didn't say that) who perhaps lived in New York City and lived with some kind of delusion, perhaps regarding an Original Creation that only babies remember. Like, even this much isn't certain, perhaps Herschel is entirely hallucinated; the story is in fact preoccupied with the question of whether or not there's even any difference. Anyway, at some point, the AI apocalypse happens (I think this is one thing we can be pretty confident about), and for the AI's own purposes, Herschel is resurrected/recreated (again like Christ- disregard this aside!) in an "emended" form, where whatever changes are made mean that he is in fact right about the Original Creation and the future etc, his mind really was tampered with. The concept of "emendation" seems to me to be the biggest point in favour of the book overall believing that a substitution is not the same as the original; that the "transformation" of one shape into another does not mean it becomes the other, as its own history remains distinct (much as the "original" events of whatever happened to the "original" Herschel on the "original" Christmas Day can be said to have, in some sense, happened—and cannot, should not, be "forgotten"). But maybe these elements of the story were intended to be disparate, though, or related in some other way, and I'm just conflating them?

One of my favourite interpretations that I've seen raised in a couple of places is that Herschel's writings, with which he literally armours himself, are in fact literally protecting him against oblivion, because the AI can only learn based on the written word or recorded speech. It doesn't really matter what happens to the papers, so long as they are written at all. Herschel pours so much of himself into those papers so as to be understood, and in the end he is understood—if not by Miriam and Ruth, then by the only being he needs to be understood by: this machine. He secures his own existence, in at least some limited form, in the "Original Creation", simply through his writing. I think Herschel is the "most real" part of the story.

It's Miriam, though—the second-"most real" element—that I think makes this story haunted. It's the way she packs all those papers into a suitcase, and for the briefest of moments you can breathe a sigh of relief, that we're one step closer to understanding how this book came to be, in-universe. But immediately, it's obvious that this explains nothing, it explains less than nothing, because there are all these chapters which just don't fit, they can't be neatly contained in that suitcase. Bavitz draws direct parallels between the inexplicable frame narrative and the anachronisms, and he's absolutely right to do so. The story is often very careful about providing something which looks "quite right", at a glance, but the moment you think about it, this pit opens up under you. Something about this metatextual conceit actually makes my skin crawl.

It feels pat to say, "oh, that's because it's trying to evoke AI hallucinations". I feel like that's only part of it, because again, most of Nost's novels have this to some extent. But yeah, I think if you wanna read Herschel Schoen as a horror novel, then this is what is scary about it. Conceptually, everything with Miriam mainly recalls for me the idea of "crashes" from Almost Nowhere, which were one of the big horror elements there, the idea that the world you're walking around in is actually, imperceptibly, some kind of not-world filled with not-people. But more directly, I find myself remembering a bit from the third act of OCTO (a criminally underrated and under-discussed webnovel) where a superintelligence is trying to "resurrect" a human, and keeps putting her in increasingly-lifelike simulated "habitats" to try and create the right set of "inputs" that will make her function properly—i.e., without just like, screaming. I feel like that is what we see happen to Miriam in this book. I feel like, when the lights go out, at the end, it has nothing to do with light at all: it's more that the machine just no longer needs to simulate a world for Miriam, at all. The transmission stops. And then what becomes of her?

I think this sort of brings us to Ruth, doesn't it? A big point is made about how there's a difference between "Miriam" and "my sister, Miriam". As though in the latter, the reality of "Miriam" in the training data is watered down by all these tropes surrounding sisterhood. I mean, fuck, maybe that's where the incest stuff comes from, right? I feel like similarly, there's a reading for Ruth where the AI is first conflating these images of "a mother" with these images of "a terrorist". She acts like a fucking cartoon character for much of the book, as many of the less-well-drawn characters do, and I think that's entirely deliberate. As she draws more on the "terrorist" tropes, she stops being a "mother". And again I think this is what Nostalgebraist has always done so fucking well, in that the bullshit sci-fi allegory stuff can also just be read on an entirely character-driven level: here is a resentful, neglectful, ultimately abusive mother, here's the emotional reality of that, heightened and communicated.

I think this provides a vague stab at an explanation for the beating scene that Bavitz found so confusing. It's like the AI draws on this trope of like... the mother, in the kitchen, with the frying pan. It puts the pan in her hand. But it's not actually a frying pan, it's just the image of a frying pan. In reality, did Herschel's mother beat him? How did she beat him? Hell, maybe she didn't, maybe the AI just got so caught up in playing out the trope of the abusive parent that is gets to the point of this beating, and then just dream-logics itself to the next thing in its training data, where of course the beating never happened. I don't like that, it feels like we're gaslighting the kids here (which I think is very much the allegory intended) by saying it was just a hallucination. I think something like it happened in reality, and cannot, should not, be "forgotten". But I think the book does want you to think that its depiction does, in some way, break from reality. Hell, in much the same way that child abuse might be said to break the reality of family? Nah, that's too pat, isn't it?

I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that, ironically, I found the novel was at its best, and at its most human, when it was writing frankly about the experience of mental illness, about family, about institutions, about childhood. So what's maybe frustrating is that I'm not actually convinced Nost is capable of writing a... shall we call it a "normal" story about those things? A story with no metatextual bullshit, no sci-fi conceit, but a realist story. There are parts of all his books, where I really think that the explanation for why they are the way they are is that they are "bad on purpose", and all the bullshit is a way of turning these shortcomings into strengths. The self-effacing voice which whispers that the characters aren't sufficiently well-drawn, are too cartoonish—well, what if that was the point? What if there was a reason for that, in the story?

But honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Straightup, if these were normal stories set in reality, I wouldn't be fucking reading them. This is a web author who's trained himself on a bunch of classic lit, and a bunch of anime or whatever, and has smooshed those influences together and rocket-fuelled the result. It's inimitable. I deeply admire just how experimental Nostalgebraist's writing is. No-one else is doing it like him.

Anyway, what else. Herschel gets described as having a "shell" at various points, and Frederick's surname is "Eggert". Is that anything?

The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen

My fourth novel, The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen, is now available in full.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

[monokoitari]

I'm still on this same brainrot from Omega Shen Qingqiu, so-

Omega Shen Qingqiu who knows that his former disciple white lotus has returned as a blackened lotus to probably take revenge on him. And too early, because his new body is still not ready!

There are rumors of the new protected disciple of the Huan Hua Sect, and, at official meetings, festivals that the Huan Hua Sect holds, Shen Qingqiu can see him. His sweet white lotus is no longer sweet or white lotus. He is a strong, beautiful and imposing Alpha who approaches him calling him Shizun, almost purring his name, "accidentally" bringing their wrists together to scent him…

Soon, certain strange gifts arrive at Cang Qiong Sect. Robes, expensive jewelry, combs of the purest carved jade. All as a gift from Huan Hua to the Peak Lord of Qing Jing. Which is, clearly, an unpleasant farce: it's Luo Binghe who's behind all the gifts, and everyone knows it.

Shen Qingqiu is being courted. And while he rationally knows it can only be a technique by Luo Binghe to make them trust him, to infiltrate, to lower Shen Qingqiu's defenses by making himself look like a sweet boy in love and courting… Shen Qingqiu is sure it's all part of revenge. To win a heart and then break it. Of course he won't let himself fall in all of this!

Irrationally, his omega instincts don't think so.

He nestles in the robes Luo Binghe gives him; they have his scent still on them, and Shen Qingqiu finds himself needing to surround himself with that soft scent. They have tea in some uncomfortable tea rooms in the Huan Hua palace (with distant chaperones watching carefully), and Shen Qingqiu could chirp like a happy little bird when Luo Binghe presses his wrists together. His inner Omega is happy that such a powerful and strong Alpha is courting him so well.

Now, this is where the damnit wife plot comes in. The reason why Shen Qingqiu could beat Shang Qinghua to death.

Because, for some reason, when Omegas were being courted by more powerful Alphas, their bodies… mimicked that power. Something to do with chameleon-like mimicry mixed with the Omega trying to prove to his Alpha that he is strong and powerful enough to be able to bear strong and powerful children.

One day, Shen Qingqiu wakes up and realizes that he apparently tore his own robe in his sleep with… does he have claws? DOES HE HAVE FUCKING CLAWS? His nails are too hard and sharp, slightly blackened.

It doesn't last long, thankfully. Shen Qingqiu dismisses it.

However, he is more… volatile. Hot-tempered. Possessive. He marks Luo Binghe with his scent as soon as they see each other, and growls randomly erupt from his throat when others approach them. At one point, during those irascible days, Liu Qingge approaches Shen Qingqiu and it is one movement too fast that is all it takes for the two to engage in a brutal fight that, surprisingly, Shen Qingqiu ends up winning.

His instincts are crazy.

The day Shen Qingqiu wakes up and sees a red zuiyin on his forehead, he covers himself with a veil and runs to hit Shang Qinghua. Shang Qinghua twists and stops him before he can attack him with his fan, because he is not only going to break his fan, but also, and probably, his head. No, he is not turning into a celestial demon! If he were, what OP would Binghe's wives be!

It's more of a wife plot that's about imitation, assimilation of characteristics… and maybe they're exaggerating a bit on Shen Qingqiu given the huge focus of unresolved tension (Shen Qingqiu doesn't deign to answer that), and the huge backstory they have (which Shen Qingqiu doesn't even think should be called a backstory given that he was his master!). Now, he's being courted by a celestial demon, and his Omega is assimilating the characteristics of the one he already considers his Alpha in order to show him that he can give him strong and powerful puppies, that he'll adapt very well to a pregnancy, that he'll be able to become round, strong and pretty.

(Shang Qinghua doesn't escape the blows. They hurt more now.)

Well, since everything really has a solution with papapa with the protagonist, Shen Qingqiu knows what he has to do. Seducing the protagonist who is already courting him shouldn't be that hard… which it seems it is, because poor Luo Binghe's maiden heart that isn't quite blackened enough to ravish his body in lust wants to wait until the nice wedding so he can mark his Shizun as his own.

Ah, fuck. Shen Qingqiu has to do that before his imitation omega instincts go wild in front of Binghe and Binghe can see him all wild, with zuiyin, claws and blackening in his soul.

(Funny that despite Shen Qingqiu's main denials, what finally makes Luo Binghe snap and jump at him like an animal in heat is basically seeing him in such a state out of control, so far from the noble and gentle facade of his elegant Shizun.)

[the-teufort-nine]

My TF2 Fic Rec List [ Fanfics I've Read That You Should Too]

*cracks knuckles* right, let's get started! X Reader fics are not included bc I already did a list of them for an ask. Mind the tags and ratings, as always. I'll add to this as I collect more, but its decently long as is

Symbol Key:

** = Incomplete

~~ = Personal favourite

++ = Under 10k

SpeedingBullet:

~~Running Blind by TheTriggeredHappy

(( Scout's eyes are badly damaged in battle and for some reason, Medic's gun can't fix him. Until they figure out how to heal Scout, he needs someone to look after him and keep him safe.

Sniper is given the job.

[3rd person limited, Scout's POV, some character development done on a whim] ))

The SpeedingBullet fanfic. If you like Scout X Sniper, and you haven't read this one yet, I don't know what to tell you. You are severely missing out on not only a great romance story, but also fantastic team dynamics. Also has an available Podfic!

++From a Hospital Bed by SlightlyLessThanAnon

(( Jeremy wakes up in the hospital, his brain struggling the find coherent thoughts as the world churns around him, in and out of consciousness.

He finds the team may care about him a little more than he thought they did. ))

Short but sweet. More whole team fluff than strictly SpeedingBullet. Very cute.

~~Golden Brown, as well as its sister fic, Take Me Out by Ali_Ker (Alina_Kerrin)

(( After seeing his co-worker in a new light, Scout is faced with unknown feelings and a new, distracting perspective on things. ))

This lovely author can be found here under the handle @alikerao3

Grouped these two together because they are they same story, but told from the perspectives of Scout and Sniper respectively. Definitely a bit of a heavier read, especially for anyone who has dealt with Catholic guilt or internalized homophobia, but my God is it worth it. Don't just read one thinking it isn't worth it to read the other fic. Read both. Also, check out the song that inspired the title.

~~Going Through The Motions by AussieBookworm

(( Working under RED can be repetitive at times - but nothing like this. After a curse is fired his way, Scout is forced to live through the same day over and over and over again. It should be easy for someone as perfect as Scout to break the curse, right? As long as he doesn't have to confront the things he's been feeling towards Sniper it should be a piece of cake! ))

Possibly my absolute favourite TF2 fic right now. Scout gets character development out the ass, Demo has a prominent, important role, and there's a plot twist so good it had me tweaking out. TW for Suicide as a method used to get out of a time loop. Absolutely incredible, and it needs more love.

Gills and Gunpowder by popkeeki

(( Monsters are becoming increasingly rare. Between getting pushed to the periphery of society or being targeted by traffickers, life is hard when you are not (entirely) human. Like many others, Scout tries to keep his true form a secret. It has never really been a problem. That is, until a nosy teammate catches him mid-swim. ))

SpeedingBullet Mermaid AU!! Good luck finding a fic with this premise that also reaches this level of quality.

**~~Pet by Anonymous

(( Sniper's terrified of losing the one person he has in his life. It turns out there's a convenient solution to that: just make sure he has no way out, and the rest will follow.

Scout wakes up in a van he knows all too well, loopy and hungover, and Sniper's waiting for him.

*

Or: Learning to live with claustrophobia in small spaces Or: Making the best of assisted living Or: You can’t outrun a fucking bullet ))

Are you like me? Do you enjoy Scout whump and Yandere!/Possessive Sniper? SpyDad? Do you want more of it in your life? If the answer is yes, than Pet is for you! No NSFW, just pure, delicious kidnapping and one-sided love.

General Fanfic Recommendations:

++Something's Up With Respawn by Camelot_taurus, Old Works (HarveyDangerfield)

(( Respawn starts to glitch, and the Administrator sets Engineer to work fixing it.

It doesn't take long for him to find out exactly what's going ))

Super funny, weird little oneshot. Basically, Respawn starts glitching and producing fucked up, Paperjam Dipper-esque clones of the Mercs.

++Mask Off by MatryoshkaDoll413

(( Scout is sick. Really sick. 'If we can't get this fever under control it's the hospital or the morgue' sick, and Respawn can't help him this time. They'd already tried that. He's gotten so delirious he's fighting Medic every second he's awake, not really lucid enough to remember so much as his own name, much less that of any of the team. Medic is ready to put him under full sedation and try and work things out from there, but Spy has an idea. ))

Wholesome SpyDad fic. Spy actually acts like a dad for once, for his sick little bunny.

~~++Scout, Respond by MatryoshkaDoll413

(( Scout wakes up in a dark, unknown place, with rocks bearing down on him and a spotty recollection as to how he ended up there in the first place. The only thing that keeps him sane is the voice of his team in his ear, telling him to talk, to breath, and, more than anything, to stay awake. ))

Scout gets trapped beneath a collapsed building, and receives comfort from his team over his headset while they race to dig him out. Super cute, definitely a must read, and I've done so more than once.

pick it all up (and start again) by bugbee

(( The clues had always been there, he had just never wanted to see them. Maybe neither of them had, instead content to deny the truth before their eyes for the rest of their days because it was better than confronting the alternative. Except Scout had died, and Spy wasn’t able to keep on pretending for his last moments. A part of Jeremy was glad for it, despite the simmering rage and betrayal and hurt. So when he tried to look God in the eye and tell Him that Tom Jones was his father… He couldn’t. Not really.

(Scout discusses his parentage with God, and stays dead for a little while longer. Well. A lot longer. On the plus side, he gets to attend his own funeral reception.) ))

An alternate take on Scout's death from the comics. Very Scout centric, obviously, and ends happily.

~~A Little Bird Told Me… by the_soup_specter

(( Medic learns a secret— something personal, powerful, big enough to cause a rift in the team of mercenaries that could tear two of them apart. And for once in his life… he’s not sure how to proceed.

With no better ideas, Medic decides to ask his fellow mercenaries for advice. But as dueling viewpoints begin to pile up, will he be able to make a decision before the team is changed forever? ))

Medic learns Spy is Scout's dad, and spills the beans. Everything turns out ok, but man the aftermath initially ain't pretty.

~~seven times he has to explain (and one time he doesn’t have to) by conner_is_alive

(( the trans scout obsession has me in a vice

also if i don’t vent my trans sadness i will literally rip a government building down brick by brick lmao ))

The fic that made me a trans Scout believer. If you're on the fence about that headcanon, maybe give this fic a read.

**~~Kith And Kin by BOREDGrace23

(( Mick never thought much of the BLU team. They were just clones, after all. Designed to be their opponents in a meaningless war.

That's why when he woke up, his vision blurry, his brain blistering from a headache like he'd just woken up from a hangover, and several burning questions about what had happened, he thought it was strange that they hadn't killed him already.

//

Or, BLU are clones and RED are decidedly not. They’re then forced to work together when their teams disappear. ))

If you like Emesis Blue, or horror in general, go read Kith And Kin. And when you finish, go give @boredgrace23 some love for such an incredible fic.

**++Der Junge by UpInFlamesWriting

(( Everyone on the team knows that Scout & Medic do not get along. They're like Sniper & Spy, except less bloodthirsty about it. Medic scares Scout, & Scout doesn't give Medic a reason to like him. When the two of them start being more than friendly all of a sudden, the team starts to worry, especially when it becomes obvious that Medic & Scout are keeping secrets from them. Scout & Medic are not about to tell the rest of the team that they are a pair of transsexual men, especially when Medic agrees to help Scout in his transition. For all the weirdness that goes on in the base, the world is not kind to queer people, & they aim to keep the reason behind their friendship a secret, even if it kills them. ))

Trans Scout and Trans Medic solidarity fic. I need more of this.

Eight Mercenaries and A Toddler by ChaosandMayhem

(( When Respawn malfunctions and their annoying Scout is turned into something far more precocious, it'll take all of the RED team's wits and patience to look after him. At the same time, Engineer must find a way to turn Scout back into an adult before the BLUs-or anyone else-realizes what's happened. No pairings, just a bunch of exhausted trained killers and one hyperactive child. ))

An Ancient Text from 2012 and the only FF.Net fic on this list, EMaAT is a classic for me. Lot's of Spy backstory, if memory serves. Quotes from this live rent free in my mind.

PracticalEspionage:

++Under the Lake by Her_AngelEyes

(( Engineer goes fishing. Hilarity ensues. ))

Don't let the description fool you. This is a non-con/mind break fic. If you like darkfic stuff, than this is for you~

[poisoned-pearls]

YEEEE you always have the correct thoughts I'm interested 🔥🔥🔥🔥

AUAUAUGHHH OKAY SO

Jamil’s voice actor has said himself that even he believes that Jamil and Azul could be close friends- I wanna point this out because that man definitely has some of the best understandings of Jamil EVER because he’s not only seen most of his voice lines, but he also gets the background notes we don’t get to see to add the correct kind of flavor to the voice acting- ANYWAYS

Jamil and Azul DO get along!! very well, in fact! If they are put against a common force or just, generally in an event together they do work well and even joke like close friends would!

Like, even when Jamil is being mean, he’s not malicious. He’s snarky, not actually trying to hurt Azul’s feelings- and they both KNOW how smart the other one is, and both aren’t afraid to mention it

(usually it’s Azul, but Jamil also consistently gives Azul credit as well. He doesn’t ever really downplay Azul’s merits and abilities)

And the funniest bit is- no matter how mean Jamil is to him, even with what some WOULD consider as bullying, Azul does not stop.

Which is WEIRD AS HELL FOR HIM. He was heavily bullied as a kid, so much so that it’s very obviously hinted at that he had/has an eating disorder (he wears the same size as Epel and Riddle, people who are a good ~20 ish cm shorter than he is- this is besides the point-) so to him, the reward of getting Jamil on his side is worth the thing that literally controlled his entire life and caused his overblot. That is how important getting Jamil is to him. (which also begs the question, why Jamil? Sure, some of it is definitely because he sees himself in Jamil, but since this is MY post, I also believe it’s because he has a crush on him.)

And he is CONSTANT about it- it’s almost hilarious how fucking often octavinelle or the lounge or even just himself comes up in his conversations with him.

And sure, it is a little weird that he seems to disregard Jamil’s constant no’s- BUT he also understands and watches Jamil more than anyone else, so I think he does this precisely because he knows that Jamil holds himself back.

Jamil can’t reasonably Say yes to him, because of kalim and his duties, but it’s the same thing with Jamil’s lab vignette, he so desperately wants Jamil to do his best, to succeed, but because Jamil will not let himself, he pushes and pushes to try and get him to fold and do what he really wants. To flourish. And Azul wants him to do it with him.

and the reason why Jamil is always so resistant to it isn’t because he genuinely wants nothing to do with it, it’s because he cannot understand or comprehend a relationship like that where they are equal.

He doesn’t want to be under Azul’s thumb, but this is exactly where their animosity comes from- the misunderstanding of their friendship and the dynamics with it. He doesn’t want to go to octavinelle, to work at the lounge, because he despises being a servant.

But master and servant is the only real dynamic he knows- he legitimately can’t understand how it would be any different, and because of Azul’s reputation and persona, he wouldn’t trust Azul’s word on it either.

(It is also very ironic that Azul’s persona, which was made to protect him from bullying, is the exact reason Jamil is so hostile towards him in the first place)

But here’s the thing- consistently, Jamil always makes note of Azul. He pays attention to him, (‘you sure love your cryptic little asides’ means that he’s actually paying attention to Azul to notice said asides and notice the frequency of them-) and he acknowledges him first.

I cannot stress enough how fucking insane it is that he not only acknowledges Azul first, but by full name. He is in basketball club with Floyd, he should know him well enough to say him by name, and hypothetically be more friendly with. Floyd is genuinely the safest person in octavinelle for him to hang out with precisely because he doesn’t scheme, so why in the world is he acknowledging Azul?? He’s already fucking suspicious of him and wants him off his back, so why not go for what should be his safest in?? Sure, it makes sense for him to actually talk to Azul because, classmates, but to completely disregard Floyd and put Azul first? Azul stands in the middle of them no matter what reading direction would be normal for Jamil (like if he speaks Arabic then it would be right to left/) it wouldn’t make sense to point out the one in the middle. Genuinely when people say hello to a group they know usually they go by name in reading order-

Okay genuinely not being insane about one moment in dialogue for a moment

Jamil and Azul, work so, so fucking well. They are just similar enough while also being opposites in the most complimentary way it’s crazy.

They work well as friends and as business partners and as people fighting together and as a couple, they flow together and it is always in my brain

Because all it takes is for Jamil to realize that Azul is not lying. He is not trying to trick him or butter him up he means every single word of praise he says and he will continue to say it because to him Jamil is worth the pain. THAT is why they’re soulmates to me

Because all Jamil has ever wanted was freedom, and to catch a break. To not be the one serving, but to have someone serve him, to understand him. and Azul does. Azul wants to serve him and to hold him on equal footing and he already DOES understand him

(And he understands Azul, as well, even if he doesn’t admit it. In all of those lines he notices things about Azul you wouldn’t if you actually hated someone. Azul gives him a sense of hope, in a subtle way)

[cthulhu-with-a-fez]

my datemate has been thoroughly educating me about final fantasy 7, including showing me the movie, which had absolutely zero plot whatsoever and it was PERFECT that way??? like. must a movie have things happen in it. can it not simply be an hour and forty minutes of flexing how many polygons the animation department has access to now via baller fight scenes loosely strung together to make a character study. advent children was a masterpiece, you cannot change my mind.

[hauntingblue]

ARCANE EPISODE 7!!!!

MY GOD I WASNT READY FOR ANY OF THIS!!! WHAT WAS THAT!!!

Also ekko wallpaper I got with my fries lmao

[d011zk1ll]

Courteousy of my chemistry teacher (WHO HATES CATS) making a cat pun so we would remember?? All I could think of for the last 3 hours of the day was chat noir teaching Marinette chemistry with punsm

[dbphantom]

Hate having adhd went to go work on my fallout modpack, got distracted while going to disable the steam overlay, ended up in the points shop, went to go edit my profile, decided to change my pfp, found a buried folder I forgot existed, found some old Veneer art I forgot existed, spent 45 minutes looking at all the old photos, STILL HAVE NOT TOGGLED ONE SIMPLE OPTION THAT SHOULD'VE TAKEN 30 SECONDS AT MOST

[tenwhiteandalusians]

pertaining to the idea of tenax’s band of strays i do think it’s touching that the kids are the ones who saved him and waited outside the door to make sure he’s okay. for all tenax claims to be harsh and cruel it’s a fine indicator of his character that the kids won’t rest without him and are there every time he’s in danger.

[crazyw3irdo]

okay im reading an unauthorized fan treatise and im loving it already. just finished the prologue and it’s just. perfectly captured the energy of toxic fandom culture. the absolute speculation… i’ve avoided spoilers and i’ve once again literally only just finished the prologue so idk if this is a running theme or something ppl already talk about one of my favorite details so far is just. how much the fandom (or at least the part we see) ignores anya. like it starts with an article talking about how she’s the star of the show and literally no one talks about her or her character. gottie literally removes her section of the interview. that’s so fucking real. the amount of fandoms i’ve been in that just ignore the girl characters/actors to instead focus on gay romance (that most of the time doesn’t exist) is staggering

[thatgoddamngingerundercut]

remember how i said the white balance in the mv sketch was more balanced...

[jils-things]

i ALMOST want to go full geek mode on the perdition mod again

[no1ryomafan]

I still have NOT started my Kikaider rewatch because I swear I have adhd and can’t focus right now to do anything besides build dragon ig but I keep rotating back to like- how similar mitsuko and michirus families are and I’d love to do a comparison on them but I don’t know how I’d do it given not just “well mitsuko and her fam got to be more fleshed out in especially the anime cause they didn’t have to juggle three main characters” but also like they’re two families who aren’t necessarily a family trope themselves but rather are compromised of multiple tropes from that era:

Michiru/Mitsuko: The supporting girl who is friends with the main character, potentially their love interest

Saotome/Komyoji: The old man scientist who works for the good guys and sometimes may or may not either be the father of the MC or the supporting girl

Genki/Masaru: The little boy support character who tends be the little brother of the main character, but sometimes can be the little brother of the support girl

And then they both get slapped with a dead older brother and a mother who is MIA both of which don’t always happen in tandem with these tropes but I think it’s more of a coincidence both Michiru and Mitsukos families are so similar so they just line up these tropes that were super common back then. (Though since Kikaider came first Ishikawa could’ve POSSIBLY took inspiration especially because Nagai knew Ishinomori but I have no clue if they ever met)

[cillirishan]

about this blog !

* ੈ✩‧₊˚ i hang out here randomly,

make icons/headers/lockscreens of my favorites.

* ੈ✩‧₊˚ my favorites mostly consist of actors/movies and games; and generally comics and kpop

maybe i'll make a carrd.co for this blog one day, idk

* ੈ✩‧₊˚ requests always open, if i'm in the mood and/or you requested something i like too, i can make it quickly. (this sounds so selfish lmao sowwy🥺sometimes i dont want to be like that either:(

you can request/ask something in your mother language ofc (thanks to google translate) but i'll answer in english

* ੈ✩‧₊˚ for anime & manga follow my side blog : @kitsunigami

edit: username changed: (devllsuju to) devilsuju to cillirishan

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII DUDE good afternoon how r u how's the tokyo ghoul rewatch going!! i would. Love 2 hear ur ghostkicks and/or tg thoughts literally at any given time. taking ur joke tags absolutely dead serious because im trying 2 figure out How To Write Them currebtly & we're doin a bit of wrangling in the google doc 😭.

u know i have the brainrot so so so badly because im on episode 3 of tg and all i can think is "i can make a pd au out of this" so im feeling rlly normal abt it basically. im blaming it on unravel.

ANYWAY. ANYWAY. ANYWAY. YEAH. HI. GHOSTKICKS. they are soooooo. tired depressed introvert gets adopted by a loud bubbly extrovert trope. at least on the surface. like how they behave at school in season 1. thinkin abt jimmy going "what is UP with bro behind u" and william just ominously lurking there. and how dakota defends him later !!!!!!!! idk how much of this youve gotten to yet bc i dont remember when it actually comes up in canon bc its such an ingrained part of his character but dakota is soooooo. guard dog coded. this hits especially hard in the "what if pd were villains" oneshot but its sooooo prevalent in canon too.

they both hold each other in the highest respect. william sees dakota as the prime (ha) example of what a hero should be. hes brave hes kind he does his best to protect everyone no matter what. hes all the things that william Isnt. BUT !!!! dakota also looks up to him !!! hes so smart hes good at problem solving hes so curious about everything and asking questions and poking his nose into things that nobody else would even consider. dakota knows hes not smart so he automatically looks to william whenever he needs a plan or someone to tell him what to do when he feels lost. they complement each other and they dont even !!!!! know it !!!!!!!

also regarding williams powers. fuck dude. season 1 he was so fucking scared of himself and ashamed of the things he could do . he hid every time he had to use wisp form !!! but dakota always thought it was so cool and was not QUIET about it. boy went fucking STAR EYES the first time he saw wisp form !!!!!! i will never stop thinking abt the first rolled for season 2 where charlie goes "if dakota hadnt left, he probably wouldve been able to convince william to keep using his powers and not to completely disregard their existence like he has been" and . considering what william is like in season 2... god this wouldve been a COMPLETELY different fucking campaign. theyre so. incredibly soulmates to me. theyre so important to each other theyd do anything for each other. i cant say too much more without accidentally giving you spoilers bc i WILL keep talking and not be able to shut up but GOD fuck ghostkicks enjoyers eat so well in the latter half of s2. moirails. 2 me !!!!!!!

[gregmarriage]

homer’s odyssey, but it’s tom and greg on a chaotic road trip <3