#also 'lonely' is by like 6 other artists too that i did NOT feel like typing out

[kookslastbutton]

Too Late to Dream ༓ jjk (m)┃ch. V

✑ Summary: You did it. You married your college professor. You even bought a house together. Against all odds, everything had fallen into place. But after two years of marriage, you begin feeling something was missing. You want a baby but your husband can’t say the same.

Pairing: economics professor!jungkook x fem!artist!reader

AU/Genre: angst, smut, fluff, marriage au, age gap, series

Rating: M, 18+

Word Count: 3,342

Warnings: 8-year age gap, mentions of professor-student relationship (oc was a Masters student), jk has milk obsession, oc injured, both lonely :(, mommy issues, lots of family drama/in-laws, fighting, pent-up issues/desires, jk has daddy issues, jk being good hubby to oc

Now Playing: Make It Right, Tryna Be, Infinity, It Will Rain, Heaven+

A/N: I've heard the requests and I think it's time to fulfill them–how did they get together?! Yes, it's here and I'm excited to finally share! Also, yes this took up whole chapter so a tiny break from present-day stuff but we'll be back at it next chapter. 💞

<< ch. IV ༓ ch. Vl >> | series masterlist

Before marrying you, Jungkook had the same routine. He got up, showered, brushed his teeth, put work clothes on, grabbed breakfast, and ran out the door with twenty minutes to spare. Trying to find a parking spot at 7 a.m. at the university was no joke and he had to leave early or some college kid would take the last spot and not think twice.

His night routine was similar. Jungkook finished the day between 5 and 6 pm, slowly regretting he ever agreed to teach evening classes. He’d kick off his shoes, eat dinner, grade some of his student’s papers if needed, brush his teeth again, and went to bed.

It was a constant cycle and with no one around, not even a pet, Jungkook’s life was fairly quiet and systematic. Sometimes his buddies would come over on the weekend for a couple of hours and that surely rocked his world.

But that wouldn’t happen often during the school season due to his ridiculously packed teaching schedule. The most recent person he’d hang around during those months was Taehyung and if he wasn’t free, Jungkook would spend his time at the grocery store–stocking up on milk.

4 years ago

“That was two weeks ago man,” Jungkook says, pushing a cart with five-gallon jugs of milk to his car. He’s on the phone with Taehyung who's reminiscing about the grand opening of the new art exhibit and how “lovely” it was to meet you there.

Jungkook doesn’t need reminding though.

He clearly remembers seeing you there and Taehyung happily making a complete fool of him once he found out who you were. Thankfully you hadn’t seemed to mind too much since you and Taehyung soon moved on to discuss various art theories, masterpieces, and underrepresented artists.

“You didn't have to stay y'know.” If Jungkook didn't know any better he'd think Taehyung was salty. "You could've left at 8 pm like you planned. __ and I would have been fine."

Jungkook winces hearing the man's argument. He did think about going home at 8, but it unsettled him to leave you alone with Taehyung. His colleague was enjoying himself a little too much that night and there’s no telling what he’d do or say when he’s overly comfortable.

Jungkook had to stay until you left.

"Are you kidding me? Leaving you unsupervised would've been the worst idea after all your endless blubbering." Jungkook pops the trunk of his car, stuffing the jugs of milk inside. "God knows what you'd scar __ with."

On the other line, Taehyung smirks through the speaker. "No, that's not it......you weren't going to leave me alone with a woman, an attractive one at that."

Jungkook grabs the last jug of milk, slamming it on the floorboard. "Student, and stop talking about her like that. She's my stu—"

"Say student one more time and I'm going to take all your milk and give it to Yoongi hyung's cats."

"I swear to god, Taehyung, if you touch my milk I'm never going to another art museum or wine tasting with you again." Jungkook is very protective of his dairy products.

"That's okay. I don't need you when __ says she'll be happy to go with me sometime." Smug bastard, Jungkook thinks. There's no way you said that.

"That's bull Taehy—"

"Look she's in her masters and is literally eight years younger than you. It's not that serious so stop acting like she's fresh out of high school. Besides, you said it yourself, she's not a child."

Jungkook grunts, shoving the cart into the others. "She's a young lady who happens to be enrolled in the school. As faculty, we have no business thinking or talking about her outside those terms."

"For fucksake, Kook. You always make things so complicated!" Taehyung's baritone voice cracks through the speaker. "I'm just trying to get you to admit that you're into her some way or another. How many other students have I stayed to talk to and you couldn't give a—"

Just then a loud, high-pitch screech interrupts the call. Jungkook whips his head around immediately. He doesn't spot anything at first but a string of profanities remains audible in the distance.

"Jungkook, are you okay?"

"Yeah, but someones screaming and I can't tell where it's coming from." Jungkook walks around the grocery parking lot, eyes darting left and right. "Oh shit!"

There, near the bus stop, you lay on your side with your right leg stretched out and blood running from your temple. You try getting up but you fall right back down, cursing sharply.

"Taehyung I gotta go, it's __. I don't know what happened but she's laying by the bus stop and I think she needs help!" Jungkook shuts his phone and races to where you lay. He kneels next to you with sheer horror on his face. "__, what happened? What can I do?"

"Damn college boys, Dr. Jeon," you spit, dragging your leg up as far as you can. You reach for your bag which had flung about a foot away when you crashed. "So fucking eager to get off the bus and—oh damn that hurts like a bitch!"

"What hurts?" Jungkook lunges forward to catch your torso from slamming on the hard concrete. "Stay still okay? We need to get you to the hospital."

"I'm all set, but thanks. It'll likely heal in a day."

Jungkook shakes his head and wraps an arm under your back and legs. "Can you put your arms around my neck?"

"Dr. Jeon, I appreciate what you're doing but I don't want to go to the hospital. Please."

You're serious. No trace of bluffing or even simply trying to act tough. You really don't want to go.

"You need to be checked by a doctor sweetheart," Jungkook insists. "Whatever happened has made it so you can't walk. C'mon, my car is nearby and I'll drive you over."

"No, wait!" He feels you push against his chest.

"__. I'm not leaving you without making sure you didn't break a bone or something. I don't want to make things worse but you don't look so hot right now. So please, let me take you." Jungkook lifts you up when you give a barely consenting yes.

"You sprained your ankle pretty bad hun." Dr. Kim Seokjin draws your attention to the X-ray scan. "Second degree." He points to the visual of your partially torn ligament. "There's going to be a lot of swelling so you're gonna need to stay off your foot for at least 4 weeks."

"Do I have to stay here?" is your first question.

"For the first couple of weeks, we strongly advise—yes." Dr. Kim moves on to the next X-ray scan. "You also cracked a rib which will also take about 4 weeks to heal, or more. Of course you're head has suffered a mild concussion as well but it's very mild thankfully." Dr. Kim catches sight of Jungkook next to you, staring at the scans. "You're wife's going to be okay," he says mid-diagnoses.

"We're not—" you start to say but Dr. Kim continues talking.

"Wife, girlfriend, lover, what have you. The point is, much of what we have here will recover with a month of rest, ice, and elevation." He takes a pen from his pocket and starts jotting down something on paper. "I recommend two weeks here for moderation purposes. If things look good, you finish the healing at home. Still, be careful though, no funny business."

The blank looks on both your faces tell Dr. Kim he wasn't clear enough. "Yah, my filters going to die with you two doe-eyed deer. No funny business means no sex!"

"Oh god!" You outburst, mortified by the thought. Jungkook whips his head to your slack-jawed expression. "Dr. Kim, it's not like that between us."

The older man suddenly zeros in on your professor, eyes narrowing slightly. "What's the matter son? Having trouble getting it up?"

Jungkook jolts in his seat, startled by the crass response. "I—no, what? There's nothing wrong with my—"

"We're not together!" You shout before Jungkook's sentence finishes. "We're friends." Saying that your professor brought you here sounded a little odd for some reason, especially when Dr. Kim was already convinced you two were a thing.

"Mhm sure, heard the same thing from my wife before we went off and eloped." Dr. Kim treads to the door. If he has a dime for how many times he's heard that "we're friends" bs he'd be...well, he's already rich so never mind. "Let's move on to something more productive now, like getting __ settled in a room. The sooner she starts the healing process, the sooner she can be good as new again."

"Thank you Dr. Kim," Jungkook says, slowly standing up to stroll you and your wheelchair out of the room. You didn't like it but the nurses insisted you be in one to keep pressure off your muscles.

"Yeah yeah." Dr. Kim waves him off. "Just remember what I said, no funny business. Especially here at the hospital. You don't know how many times I've heard the nurses catching their patients on top of one another at 2 am in the morning. That better not be you two, whoever you are to each other."

"Yes, doctor." You both reply, thankful of the fact that neither of you are in any position to be looking at each other.

"Is there any way I can be here for less than two weeks?" Jungkook watches as you plead with the nurse. It worries him that you're still anxious to avoid medical attention.

"I'm afraid not," the nurse says simply. "If you need anything, press the call button and I'll be in as soon as I can."

Once the nurse leaves, Jungkook pulls up a chair next to your bed. "Stupid question but how are you feeling?"

"I'm in an ankle brace, my rib burns, and my head is still dizzy. I'm trapped in the hospital for two weeks and all because a bunch of nineteen-year-old boys couldn't wait to hit up some frat party," you groan, not bearing in mind your tongue. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this Dr. Jeon."

"You didn't drag me into anything __. I'm glad I was there when this happened and I'm even more glad that you're here, getting help." Jungkook clears his throat before continuing. "Even if it isn't ideal for you."

You ignore the subtle pry for information. "Please, Dr. Jeon. You don't have to stay any longer. It's the weekend and I'm sure you have plans."

Jungkook gives a faint smile. "So, you're saying this is none of my business?"

"No, not—not at all. I mean if you want to stay then I guess you can but I don't want you to feel obligated or anything."

"I want to be here," Jungkook says simply. "But you know that's not what I meant. I'd like to know why it bothers you when anyone tries to help you...if I may."

"Just habit," you mumble quickly, averting eye-contact. It's not your professor's job to bear the weight of your problems.

Jungkook nods in reply, pretending you gave a satisfactory explanation. He wishes you'd tell him but if you didn't want to share more then that was your choice —he wasn't going to force you. "I understand." He grabs his phone from his pocket and rests his elbows on his knees. "Are you hungry?"

"Huh?" You look back at him, his question going right over your head.

"I asked if you're hungry. It's about dinner time so I can get you something if you want. I also have a bunch of milk in my trunk that needs to get to a fridge. But I can place the order now and pick it up in my way back here."

"Milk in your trunk?" Is the only words you repeat, dumbfounded. "Like chocolate milk or...?"

"Nah, Whole Milk." Jungkook grins at your scrunched up face. You try to hide it but not very well. "Don't look so disgusted. Milk is good for you."

"Yeah when you're ten years old."

"On the contrary!" You flinch when his voice rises, along with his eyebrows. "Milk has a lot of health benefits as adults. It has thirteen essential nutrients and helps maintain muscle and bone strength. I drink at least two full glasses a day, if not more."

"I'm sorry but that's nasty." You shudder at the thought of drinking milk in your twenties let alone your thirties. "You really enjoy it? The taste?"

"Yup, always have since a baby! Loved it so much that my mother-" You raise an eyebrow to which he abruptly switches topics. "Anyway, do you want me to pick you up something or no?"

You giggle, a little uncomfortable with whatever he was about to disclose to you.

"That's okay, no thanks."

"You sure? Otherwise I'm gonna be eating in front of you." Jungkook knows how this sounds — he's trying to force you to eat. But the truth is, he just doesn't want to eat by himself tonight. He also doesn't want to leave you alone this early, especially when you obviously detest being here, for whatever reason.

"I'm sure," you say. "But...if you want to come back you can. Not like I have anything to do anyway."

"Good then." Pleased, Jungkook opens up his phone contacts. "Give me you're number in case you change your mind while I'm out."

Over the next couple of weeks, Jungkook continues to stay by your side. He leaves to teach his classes of course and to go home late at night, but he stops by every day—hours at a time.

You keep insisting that he not come so much but he always makes the same excuses. "I just brought food" or "You're on my way home from the university". Sometimes he brings in class notes too.

Due to your current predicament, you're missing a lot of content so Jungkook thinks it best to go over key principles with you and takeaways from his lectures. He says it's his duty as a professor–never minding the fact that many of his other students are in a predicament of their own yet he’s not bothering to do jack for them.

"Look Dr. Jeon, I appreciate what you're doing but you really don't have to. I'll be perfectly alright to catch myself up from the textbook and study guides. You don't have to keep stopping by." You try again but Jungkook keeps his wall just as strong as yours.

"I know I don't have to __. I know that I could leave right now, take all these lecture notes home with me, and not feel guilty about a thing. But I told you I was going to be here and I'm going to keep to that no matter how many times you urge me to leave. I also want you to call me Jungkook outside class but have you allowed for any of those to happen?" Jungkook tosses the folder of notes in his sachel, a loud thump following. "A simple thank you would suffice."

"I am grateful, I really am. But I never asked to be given so much of your time. I feel bad because maybe you're just one of those overly nice people who feel it's their duty to stick around or what not when someone's in trouble. I don't need to be pitied over! Also, you said I could keep calling you the usual, so Dr. Jeon it will remain!" Why you're raising your voice, you don't know but it's happening either way.

"Yeah I did," Jungkook quips, matching your tone. "But after the last, nearly two weeks I think we ought to be on a first-name basis! And I'm in no way pitying you okay? I'm here because I care dammit! I don't want you to be alone and I don't want you to be behind in getting your Masters. So I' try to be be here every day for at least fifteen minutes if not more!"

You don't fully process what he says so you reply to what you remember most. "Why? Why can't I call you Dr. Jeon? It's been that way from the start, twice every week. So why do I need to call you Jungkook all a sudden?!"

"Because it makes me feel younger, you insulted my milk after I first took you to the hospital, we've been eating dinner almost every night since your injury, you told me about your childhood cat named Mr. Muttonbottom, and you just called me by my first name so there are no take backs! Now, if you're done making a fit, do you want bibimbap or jajangmyeon for dinner tonight?!"

What the actual hell? You cease your arguing at once, hearing your professor, or excuse you, Jungkook, all fluffed up. Obviously, you're not the only one high-strung over being stuck in the same routine day in, day out.

"Jajangmyeon...please," you mutter.

"Thank fuck," he swears. Yeah that's new too.

"Sorry for getting mad earlier." You mumble the words as soon as Jungkook returns with the food. "It just feels odd that you've been here all the time...you're my professor."

Jungkook mauls over your choice of words, stiffening ever so slightly. "Well, I'd like to think we're sorta friends now but alright. Does this actually bother you __? I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, you know that." He places the bag of take-out on the small desk near your bed.

"No, it's doesn't bother me." you just don't know how to react or what to say besides a measly thank you. More so, you don't want to make someone feel responsible for you...you should take care of your own shit without bringing others with you. It's not the best mindset, you're aware, but its the one you have.

"Okay good because to be completely transparent, I'm sorta here for me too. I live my myself, eat by myself, talk to myself....I do most things alone so it's nice having someone else to be around." He's not sure where to set his eyes, so he looks downward, fumbling with the napkins in front of him. "I'm making this awkward, sorry."

Feeling the strange need to offer comfort, you stretch a hand over Jungkook's arm. "I get it. It's nice having someone around too."

You and Jungkook hold each other's gaze for a few seconds more, letting the brief silence do the rest of the talking. Maybe you've been looking at this a little too one-sided.

"How are you feeling today? Any better?" Jungkook cracks open the bowl of Jajangmyeon, handing it to you with a pair of chopsticks.

You take the steamy food and gesture to your ankle which has swollen down a good amount. "Still more healing to be done but it's better."

Jungkook hums in approval. "That's comforting to hear. Dr. Kim going to discharge you soon?"

"Yeah, I think so. A few more days and he said I should be able to rest up at home."

"Really?" He chews on his bottom lip. "Well great, uhm , do you have stuff going on when you get back?"

You think a moment, trying to recollect if you made plans with Na-Rae. "Maybe some but not much. I don't have a ton of people around me right now either...down here I mean."

"Well, do you wanna go out to dinner then?" Jungkook pops the question more causal than expected. It's almost like he planned this or at least has been thinking about it for a bit. "We've been eating together for a while now and I think it might be a nice celebratory thing."

"Are you asking me on a date...Jungkook?" Because it defiantly sounds like he is, as indirect as it may be.

His reply is barely audible but you hear it and for the first time, your professor sounds truly timid. "Uh, well...let's go with "hang out", like friends do."

A/N: so yeah, thats how they got together 👀😅 anyone surprised? Thinking about a drabble for thier first date now haha. Anyway, next chapter we get back to present day stuff where more drama goes down. Also, adding a chapter bc this flashback took the whole chapter lol. Lmk your thoughts 💞

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no reposting, copying, or translating my work– © kookslastbutton

[espresseo-cafe]

life is still beautiful | johnny | ch.6

genre: cappucino, romance, angst, university!au, dad!au, drama, slice of life

pairing: collegestudent!johnny x fem!reader

bean count: 6.8k

warnings: mentions of past traumas, mental health anxieties, breakups and etc.

a/n: it’s quite a long chapter, so take breaks in between if you can ☕️ happy reading! note: this is only a work of fiction, it doesn’t reflect the artists’ personalities in any way.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

never had you ever thought you’d feel something like this again. separation anxiety was also a trait you’ve come to develop at a young age. a pinch ticked your heart when you saw your best friend packing her luggage. it reminded you of the very thing your dad had done in the past.

he mentioned vaguely that he was leaving because of a living nightmare. this was different, yoohyeon was leaving to pursue her dreams. a total different reason.

she pouted at you, feeling sorry to be leaving you behind but she knew you’d still push her to go even if you’d become lonely.

“don’t pout at me like that, or i’ll cry for real now.”

she hugged you tightly, pressing her cheek into yours. “i know ‘cause what will you do without me? but don’t worry, you’ll be okay.”

you don’t know how to thank the heavens that you’ve met someone like her, yoohyeon was literally the sunshine to your withering flower. she was someone who always had your back, someone to listen to your frustrations and aspirations, and most importantly she was a long lost sister you’ve dreaded to have. she felt like family more than anyone else.

“will i?” you blurted out sadly, mirroring the pout she did a few seconds ago.

“of course. you’ve come a long way. and i’m proud with the progress you made.” her eyes smiled and it was contagious, “both physically and mentally.”

blinking your eyes to avoid waterworks, you popped your lips and held her luggage. it was time. “shall we go? eiffel tower’s waiting for you.”

she nodded and you went out of your dorms. as you reached downstairs, minhyun was already there with his car and johnny was with him- the latter’s car parked just behind minhyun’s- said he needed to return the yoohyeon’s blanket he borrowed for youngmin. you looked at her with a raised brow. “don’t be surprised y/n, i know there’s something going on between you two. sneaky lil puppy.”

your heartbeat spiked up, she figured out the crush you had for johnny and you haven’t even told her yet. “i don’t-”

“it’s obvious. i think everyone knows.” she teased, then looking to minhyun. “my ride’s here so i’ll go on first. take care of yourself y/n, promise me that.” the tightness of her hands on your shoulders showed that she meant what she said.

“yeah, you too.” you hugged her and rubbed her back, “don’t have too much fun with the french.”

“the only french i’m kissing is minhyun.” she winked at you, you shrieked and hit her arm for her implication so early in the morning.

you playfully shooed her away and minhyun started the car. johnny stood there silently and waved as well, remembering the favour yoohyeon asked him to do last week:

“can you do me a favour?” yoohyeon asked.

johnny put down the hammer, interested to what she had to say. “yeah sure, ask away.”

yoohyeon curled her tongue, sighing. “you know how i’m going to paris next thursday?”

“mhm. wait it’s next week already?” johnny’s eyes widened, “so you won’t be at youngmin’s birthday?”

she nodded, making johnny’s face turn sour and she knew it was just a playful thing he usually did. handing him a big box wrapped in green, she explained it was for the growing boy and to let him know she’s sorry for it. “the favour i ask of is about y/n.”johnny didn’t say anything, letting her continue.

“while i’m in paris, i need you to look after her. i realised she trusts you, other than me of course.” she hugged her arms, “it’s rare to see her open up her personality to someone else.”

johnny held in a smile, “we haven’t gone there yet.. you know opening up. you see she owes me a proper date, as friends.” he clarified. “apparently we got a ‘no secrets rule’ until a couple of dates.”

yoohyeon punched him, “ahuh, so you both are in the ‘going out on dates but still testing the waters’ stage. well, if that’s the case, take her out on the day i leave. she loves nature, so maybe you could come up with something.”

the guy nodded and gave a thumbs up, yoohyeon sighed a relief. she knew she could trust johnny, and of course she had something to gossip with yeri about. after all, their ship is starting to sail and they were one of the ones to remove the rope from the hook.

“also, bring these all the time.” she shuffled in her bag, seemingly getting something important. “she forgets these, you know, just in case.”

it was an inhaler for asthma and some pills for medication. yoohyeon’s lips pressed together told johnny that this was more than important. it was a road to recovery, confirming the conversation he didn’t want to eavesdrop two months ago.

“how severe is it?” he dared to ask, holding the items tightly on his hand.

“just pray it doesn’t get worse. she’s been through a lot. i’m sure you’ll know about it soon.” she patted his back, “thank you in advance, johnny.”

“yeah, no problem.” he assured her. “i’ll do what i can.”

the side profile of yours that he observed this morning revealed to him how resilient and strong, yet broken and vulnerable you were. a spark in him told him he needed to protect you. he wanted to, it was for the present and the future you, to heal from the past you tried your best to run away from.

he looked up, taking in the cool breeze before the sun rose up high. it was seven in the morning and he didn’t have anything special planned for the day since youngmin’s birthday was all set for saturday. setting his sight on vehicle he brought then back to you who was stretching at this point, he placed his hands in the pockets of his sweats, saying:

“this is a perfect day and time for a long morning drive. wanna come with?”

you twisted your back from side to side, the domino cracking relieving the tension of your spine. looking up at the sky, you seconded johnny’s suggestion, “sounds great but i haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

johnny hummed, turning around to talk to you properly. “we can go to a drive thru on the way. i know of a good spot where we can do sightseeing.”

your mood was lifted and did a little hop, “okay i’ll go get ready.”

the guy stopped you by gently pulling your wrist, making you look at him before you could go back up to your dorms. “no need, just wear that.”

looking at his large hand that wrapped your wrist, you got nervous for the sudden skin contact. how was he so smooth with making your heart skip a beat? and you quickly realised he could be feeling the gradual speed of the giddy heartbeat at that area, so you squinted your eyes at him for his fishy action as a cover-up.

“johnny,” you sighed, “.. i’m wearing pajamas.”

johnny took his eyes off of you and scanned your clothes. it was just a crop top t-shirt and a light pink coloured sweatpants. “i think it’s alright, we kinda match. after all, someone owes me a date.” he winked at you and held your wrist once again.

“i thought we weren’t counting anymore?” you laughed, following him to the car that was parked across the dorm building. thank goodness you brought your phone and house keys.

“i know but i remembered.” he opened the door, letting you in before he moved on to the driver’s seat.

glancing around the car, it was at the line between old and new. not that you were judging, it just somehow felt right. johnny started the engine, reversing the vehicle. his hand touched the headrest of your seat as he looked back.

it made your heart beat stupidly once again, it was so manly and attractive that you wanted it to stay that way. you stared at him when he drove towards the main road, even more so when he drove with one hand. ah, that was where you hitched a breath.

johnny felt the stare you gave and he found it hilarious. he peeked at you at a side eye and chuckled, taking this chance to tease you again. “what are you staring so intently at? the view’s perfect in front of you?”

“please, you want me to refer to yourself, johnny. i know where you’re getting at.” you echoed his chuckle and he just did so louder.

“no i’m talking about the view in front of us.” he nodded at road.

streaks of sunbeam that peeked along the trees made your clothes twinkle, sparkle even. looking at the said view, a small pull on the corners of your mouth made johnny stare at you this time. you were already beautiful in his eyes and the sunrays made you glow as you looked through the front.

his eyes trailed to your facial features and just a like a movie, the slow smile that appeared on your face got him all hooked on you. the way small wrinkles creased at the sides of your eyes and the way you closed them as if you took in the vitamins for some energy was hypnotising.

she’s so.. beautiful. he reminded himself.

his eyes found themselves staring longer than he thought, licking his lips and focused on driving. then bringing up his all time favourite coldplay playlist to suppress the intensive thoughts of you to the back of his mind.

your ears perked up at the familiar song, “hm, this is my favourite one, it calms me down.” turning the dial to volume up the music.

she likes coldplay.

johnny’s heart picked up its speed and he was probably close to being jittery and excited. the smile he contained on the inside finally made its way out. opening the car’s roof, it became brighter and he hoped the sun’s brightness covered his expression.

you gasped at the view by your side, the opened scenery of a beach below was stunning as you and johnny rode through the highway. the breezy wind flowing through your hair and as you inhaled its freshness, you’ve never felt this happy for a long time.

“nice ride you got here.” stretching your arms up high as if you were swimming on air. “i feel free.”

he gasped at you, “we’ve been driving for more than twenty minutes and you just noticed?” johnny laughed heartily, “i’m hurt. bosco’s hurt.”

your mind processed the information you just got. you let out a loud cackle, covering your mouth to not embarrass yourself. “your car’s called bosco?”

johnny’s ears turned red and pulled a face, “well technically it’s my parents’ car-“

“wait.. so this is not your car?” you gestured the car with your hands laughed even harder. johnny bit the insides of his mouth, feeling shy that he didn’t have a car of his own, yet laughing it off because it was true.

“i don’t have the means to buy one. i got a child to raise and put food on the table.” he turned right to a nearby gas station, “speaking of food, you must be hungry. let’s get brunch on the go, but we need to fuel up first.”

“you just can’t handle my attacks.” you nodded.

johnny was right. he had to work double for himself and youngmin. and that made you feel so much appreciation for the guy. when he got off the vehicle to fill in the gasoline, you couldn’t shake off the thought of youngmin’s mother.

who was she? why was she absent the whole time? how could she leave the two boys who was meant to be her whole world, alone?

she probably had her reasons, yet you were so curious to find out. you’re very nosy aren’t you? johnny’s voice echoed in your head, prompting you to slap your head for thinking way too deep in it.

as you did that, your phone dropped by your foot so you bent down to get it, meanwhile hitting your head on the glove compartment. it opened fully by the time you sat back up- the looseness of it confirming the car was quite old- revealing an a5 sized photocard of a younger johnny with a baby youngmin.

the sight of it was adorable, how johnny carried the infant in his arms as he fed him with a milk bottle. the handwritten caption saying ‘suh youngmin with mom and dad’ was heartwarming but what caught your attention was the girl seated beside him. she was probably the mother, but she was facing away from the camera that you couldn’t make out who she was.

you didn’t realise how long who were staring at the photo until johnny came out of the store after payment, making you put the photo back and closing the compartment, hoping it doesn’t open any time soon.

“okay now that’s all set, let’s go?” johnny fastened his seatbelt and starting the engine. “i’m starving.”

“brunch it is.” you awkwardly said, still looking at the compartment.

johnny drove through a fast food chain that had a pre-lunch option, then leading you both back on the road, not forgetting to bring you to a spot that overlooked the city. as the car came to a stop at the scenic viewpoint, johnny closed the roof and turned off the engine. you got out and the overview fusion of nature and cityscape in the morning gave you a gushing feeling of inner peace.

he took the ordered food, his footsteps scraping against the ground. the sound fading away from you, he called out. “y/n! i got a spot up top. it’s better up there.” gesturing for you to follow him.

it was a little spot at a mini veranda where a table and two chairs placed perfectly across each other, as if it were waiting for you both. the wind was relaxing, cooling off the heat you both had from climbing up a few steps just to get to up here.

and once again, he was right. it was so much better up here than below. coming here was such a good idea, and johnny was good at pleasing people by taking this route. so you both started eating in silence for a bit when your mind came back on the topic of youngmin’s mother.

you hated yourself for being this nosy. but curiosity got the best of you. what would johnny think? he probably was still in the process of moving on and it was a sensitive topic to bring up.

he caught you staring at him again and licked his lips before talking, “like what you see? i think that you might prefer me over the view out there.”

you threw a ball of tissue at him, “and if i say yes how would you react?”

“flattered ‘cause you might feel that way and confused ‘cause you probably lied based on this tissue you just threw.” he joked, playfully throwing it back to you. “but really, is there something you wanted to ask?”

you didn’t respond straight away, still trying to put the right words together to form a proper question. johnny took his time to wait for you, munching away until you shuffled and put your food down.

“i’ve been wondering for a while, and i hope this doesn’t weird you out or put you in a tight spot.” you locked your fingers together.

“hm? i’m okay, you can ask.” he smiled a little, still eating his food then drinking his cup of coffee.

breathing out a nervous puff, here goes nothing. “does youngmin.. still sees his mom?”johnny slightly dropped his cutlery and it wasn’t hard to miss this small reaction, then wiping his mouth with tissue. you panicked, looking at him and regretted what you asked. this was a bad idea. “sorry, that was unnecessary. i shouldn’t have asked-”

“no, it’s okay.” he smiled small, clearing away the empty containers. once settled, he thought it was the right time to open up. after all, you’ve been friends for a while now. “youngmin hadn’t seen his mom since the breakup. he sometimes still looks for her though.”

he shifted on his seat before he spoke again, “my ex was kim minji. i call her mj for short, while others call her jiu. we dated months before high school graduation and we called it quits six months ago.”

“that must’ve been hard to deal with.” you said, fiddling with your fingers. “how are you coping up?”

johnny shook his head, “still needs some getting used to. when youngmin arrived, we stuck together like superglue. she loved youngmin a lot but a year later she wasn’t acting like herself. she changed and i was trying my best to figure it out and talk to her about it.”

you had a feeling where this was going. “she avoided it and ghosted you and went with another guy?”

he looked at you, surprised at how you got that on point. “that’s right. wow, you actually hit the mark. i’m guessing you have a theory what happened next?”

you held your chin and thought for a moment, “maybe.. she fell out of love? you said she changed and you don’t know why.” you stretched, crossing your arms and continued to give a penny for your thoughts.

“don’t get this wrong, but maybe.. you didn’t spend much time with her just the two of you because all of the focus was on youngmin. you both interchange in looking after the child, got busy, and when you do have the time, you both were too tired to spend time alone. ‘cause you know, juggling between school, part-time, and housework could take a toll on both of you. then it became straining in the end.”

johnny just stared at you. even if you heard it only once, you seemed to have figured it out. and as for him; a psychology student, should’ve seen things from another perspective. after all, minji was a girl, like you. and hearing that made him feel shameful because his pride as a guy took over. he should’ve heard her out.

but how will neglecting responsibilities speak about her? how would it show an impression to others as someone who looks after a baby? it didn’t make any sense and he hoped they actually talked about it. however, he recalled the break up conversation, minji didn’t bother communicating with him at all even if he tried. that was why he was still bothered to this day and it still pained his heart.

“you’re probably right, y/n.”

he then looked at you, who had an innocent face yet spoke as if you lived way longer than him. it led him to want to know more about you, “again, i’m so amazed at how you analysed that in a short time.”

“that’s because it hits so close to home.” you spoke with assurance. “it’s all too familiar.”

johnny’s heart ached when he heard that. once again he felt shameful because how could he missed that? someone who spoke of experience saw things differently. you were a person who probably had more to face and what he had experienced was close to nothing compared what you did.

the gaze he held onto you got you relaxed a little bit, he was curious now. “my parents got married for the sake of it.. not for love. it was an arranged marriage from both parties.”

the boy sat forward with a confused look, “but, they had you. they must’ve loved each other at one point.”

you smiled bitterly, yet it was a sad one. “i’d like to think of it that way. but what was the point of having me and raising me if they didn’t actually love each other?”

“if not to each other, then they loved you.” johnny suggested, and he saw how it made your eyes water a bit. “they’re co-parenting for you.”

“i never felt it.” you pressed your lips, “they argued a lot for as long as i could remember, scolded me for the littlest things. then i had to face anxiety hearing their raised voices. i didn’t eat as much as well because i thought about it a lot.”

johnny didn’t want to jump to conclusions, however that wasn’t so true on your part that he thought otherwise. you said you were immune to it, but the tone in your voice hinted you longed for love from your parents.

he wanted to hug you right now, but he held himself back. you probably just needed someone to talk to, a hug right now would be weird. he was worried he might make you feel weird if he did so.

“things will be better. it may not be for now but for the future. sometimes parents think they’re right, even if they’re in the wrong. in some way, you’d still need to have a conversation with them; heart to heart, so you could voice out how you feel. can i ask something though?” he asked cautiously, you tilted your head in response.

“yeah sure, let’s hear it.” you drank from your bottle of water.

johnny had something in mind, he hoped he was wrong about it but with the way you talked about your parents, something was missing. sure, they argued almost 24/7 and it greatly affected you.

“did you do something.. that made them act the way they did back at the carnival?”

your chest ached. johnny pinpointed something you’ve never shared to anyone. it was buried deep, far back at the archives of your mind, never to be brought out to be checked.

johnny was a psychology major, and he knew better at discussions like these. he acted like a librarian looking for a lost book, a book with information that needed to be studied.

what if you wanted it to be found? what if this information was okay for this librarian to read? will he get anything beneficial from it? it was risky, but you knew you couldn’t keep it in for a long time. and if there was anyone you’d share this to, it would clearly be him.

he gave you time to talk, it was a sensitive issue after all. he was given a hint while you were talking, your hand kept holding your left arm since the beginning. was it a habit? or was a trauma that was deadly?

“it happened a month into uni, after i had left home. had to attend a funeral of a hotel’s shareholder and apparently saw them there. the greeting was same as the carnival, interrogated me.”

johnny shook his head, taking in that your remark towards your mom was normal.

“all of a sudden they started arguing. i tried to stop them because they were causing a scene. they just pushed me away and told me not to butt in. i was so hurt that i told them angrily that i wished i was never born. so i left, thought i could escape the reality that my supposed home was a violent storm.” your hand caressed your arm.

“i remember it was a rainy evening with thunderstorms and lightning, it didn’t help though. it mirrored the same situation back at home.”

johnny’s face darkened, his hunch was right.

“so i ran..” you said shakily, placing your hands on the table. “i kept running to find brighter skies and silence, screaming in pain and crying.. i focused so much on that that i thought i already found it.” you exhaled a deep breath, “unfortunately i found myself laying on a hospital bed, was told i got hit by a vehicle, ended up fracturing my whole arm.”

“y/n..” he leaned closer, and you noticed his eyes softened upon hearing that. he held your hands because you were shaking. “i’m so sorry.”

“don’t be, i’m actually glad i got it out of me. i feel so much better. my arm still has a metal rod in it so i could move easier.” chin pointing to your arm. and now that johnny looked back, he just realised that you carry youngmin using your right while patted him with your left hand.

“still.” he sighed, “it’s very brave of you. thank you, i’m glad you told me.”

“no thank you, for listening.” you told him, then your eyes lit up, “ah! it’ll be our secret, okay?” you smiled, eyes finding your hands on his.

johnny saw your eyes trail on where his hands were, slowly letting go so you won’t find him making a move on you. “you bet, i also learned something today.”

“which is?”

“that your heartbeat was so evident on your wrist.” he said, and your face heated up. did he figure it out? “must’ve been nerve-wrecking to share that.”

you mentally sighed, safe. “y-yeah. it’s been two years since that happened.”

johnny stood up and dusted his clothes, prompting you to do the same. “and here’s to more years on holding on to hope, to overcome.”

“yeah i hope so too. a lot has happened which is also why i don’t like driving, arguments, rainy nights. gosh i have a lot of hurdles to pass.”

marching down the veranda towards the viewpoint, you and johnny thought it would be nice to walk around the beach to burn the calories from your brunch meal. you looked up to the sky and you felt alive with the sun. funny how the beach was completely empty at this time. so you wanted to speedwalk and savour the moment.

the guy who took you here felt grateful he did what he did. it somehow helped him face the topic he completely avoided. johnny was even more so that he got to share it with you. even though his friends knew about it, knowing he could trust someone else made him feel at ease.

taking out his film camera, it was a part of him to automatically snap a photo of something memorable. because he was quite weak in recalling, he wanted this to be recorded so that he could look back into it, in case he forgets.

“don’t tell me you’re going to keep those from me. don’t be a creep.” you teased, johnny adjusting the film once more, saying that he wouldn’t keep any secrets from you now. you smiled back at him as you stretched your arms, gasping loudly when you spotted the distant horizon. you called out to johnny, “the ocean’s sparkling! isn’t it beautiful!?”

he smiled, and he looked through the viewfinder, seeing you pointing at the sparkles that seemingly made your day so easily.

“yeah, beautiful.”

—

rowoon exited the bathroom of his apartment, drying off excess water from his hair. he casually walked around his home with nothing but a towel and home slippers. not noticing his dad’s assistant sitting by the sofa, coughing intentionally to get his attention.

that startled the boy and he nearly slipped on the way to the kitchen, a habit of his to immediately eat after a long session in the shower. “oh shoot- i didn’t know you were here, junho.”

“ha, i didn’t know you danced like that. it doesn’t suit you.” he smirked, then frowning a bit. “and that’s junho hyung, quit the casual talking.”

the boy opened a pack of potato fries he managed to find on the pantry, munching on the saltiness he craved for to ease his tastebuds. “what are you doing here, anyway?”

“i got the stuff you asked for.” junho scuffled through his shoulder bag, giving him a file. “you’re safe for now from the court. you know you’re giving your dad a hard time with all of the freakshows you do.”

rowoon looked at the older guy with annoyance in his face, “and so? i’m having a fun time. let me enjoy my youth for once.”

“for once, my ass. you’ve been in and out of the police station so many times.” he complained, “please look after your reputation, young man.”

rowoon chuckled sarcastically, “chill, hyung. i got it all under control.”

junho rolled his eyes. even though he grew up with the boy, rowoon got on his nerves most of the time that he should’ve popped a vessel by now. “if you think you need to get your father’s attention by doing those, i think he got the message loud and clear.”

“beats me, doesn’t hurt to pick me up from the station at least.” he took the file, opening and revising it.

this time junho sarcastically chuckled, “what are you, nine? you’ll be cashing your dad’s money because he spends it on your bails instead of your college tuitions, don’t waste your future and talents like this.”

“it’s fine, he’s the head doctor of the university hospital’s surgical department anyway, college tuitions are easy for me.” he smirked then eyed junho from top to bottom and back to the top. “tell me the information you have.”

junho briefly raised his brows, taking another file from his bag. “that car accident you got somehow got involved in three years ago? the police are still investigating.”

“well that’s bad news and ruined my day all in one go. don’t worry, i’ll do something about it.” rowoon proudly crossed just arms. “oh and the girl’s alive by the way. alive and well.”

junho took off his glasses to clean them using the ends of his suit, “you’ve seen her?”

“you bet i did, she’s matured and bloomed. also saw a familiar face i haven’t seen in a while.” still eating on the fries as if it were a big feast to celebrate on.

“johnny suh?”

“in the flesh.”

——

unsaid words, unspokened feelings, unexpected encounters, undeserved. that was how johnny felt today after spending time together with you. he hadn’t felt this in a long tome, where he could be himself other than his family and friends.

he actually thought of reaching out to minji at one time, but he was having a dilemma if he should. was it worth it? he wasn’t too sure. he also looked back to the app he had on his phone, loveclick. he hadn’t touch that app for a while and put it behind, deciding it was useless.

you came out of the convenience store, holding two ice cream cones, and he saw the joy you had just by eating it. it was evident that you were having a good time. johnny had an idea and he felt stupid for not bringing it up. but his phone broke when he clumsily dropped it on the ground earlier and could never turn it back on. “let’s take a selfie, i realised we haven’t even taken one.”

you licked your lips, “cool, how many?”

it took about five minutes to take a decent one on johnny’s end because he kept saying that he didn’t look good in any of the shots. so you took a selfie instead, and spending the rest of the day walking around nature.

“shall we head back? it’s currently 6pm and it’ll take us about four hours to return to the city.” johnny asked, peeking at his watch and threw away his soft drink to the bin before you made your way back up to the car.

“okay.” you said, thankfully you didn’t have any part time or classes the following day, so getting back wasn’t a problem.

going back in the vehicle again, you fastened the seatbelt and settled your position comfortably. playing with your phone for a bit, johnny started the engine and drove down the scenic viewpoint. a few metres out the main road, the car slowly made a stop before suddenly shutting down.

that made you two look at each other worriedly. johnny tried to start the engine again, only to make a loud kickstart noise then stopping abruptly. he let out a curse in a whisper, “i can’t seem to start bosco, i’ll check go and check the battery and oil.”

he wiped his forehead with his arm, it was getting stuffy since the weather was really hot. johnny excused himself by taking his shirt off to wipe off the sweat building up, going out to open the hood.

as he did that, you mentally got mad at yourself for unintentionally staring.. because the last time you saw him shirtless was at the camp two months ago. just why is he smoking hot? “i’m not looking i’m not looking i’m not looking, i’m looking respectfully.”

“y/n! look at this!” he called out before going to the window next to you.

“i’m not looking!” you exclaimed, covering your eyes as you looked away from him.

“what do you mean?” he squinted his eyes, wiping his sweat once again, “come look at the hood! it’s smoking.”

oh.

you did as he said and saw the hood smoking out black: it meant engine failure. “the engine’s busted. can you fix it?”

johnny stared at you and gave you a side eye as if you asked the stupidest question ever, “i’m a 24/7 single dad i don’t officially own a car let alone have the knowledge to fix one so you’re asking the wrong person.”

you just laughed at it, facepalming yourself. “oh right my bad, papa bear.”you put your sleeves until it reached your shoulders and proudly told him “then you’ll be glad you have me.”

“oh you can do that?” he raised his brows in surprise, actually impressed with that revelation. “like fix the car?”

“no i mean by having me meant that you have an extra phone to use to call a tow truck.” you bit your lower lip, still smiling at the plan b.

“then what was the pulling up of the sleeves for?”

“it’s hot, duh.” you snorted. johnny actually thought you’d able to and it made you laugh harder, earning a pinch on the face. you tapped on the screen, smile fading when you found out your phone battery was 1% before shutting down. “oh s-.”

johnny’s smile also faded. “what?”

“my phone’s dead.” you turned to him. “got a charger or powerbank?”

“i don’t have any on me-”

rattles of summer rain heard in the distance, gradually becoming louder. it didn’t take long for your clothes (and johnny’s muscular body, again you’ve been avoiding eye contact), to be dampened by rain that was obviously going to be heavy.

“can this day get any worse? damn it!” johnny shouted, getting frustrated when he put his t-shirt back on.

you covered your view with your arm and chills went down your spine. you realised it was raining, and your anxieties spiked up. but you didn’t want to make johnny worry, so you put out your arm to hitch for a ride. the car had to stop in the middle of an empty road, with only a few to little of cars driving pass by.

johnny and yourself have been standing for a good minute, which felt like forever in this situation, when a tow truck fortunately drove by. johnny ran to stop the truck. the man eyeing him down when he got off his vehicle.

“well what are you kids doin’ here?” he took a good look at the brokened down car behind you both, “ah! this car needs some fixin’!” then facing to johnny, “young man, if you need to take your girl out on a long drive, you might’ve had it checked first before goin’ out. this car’s close to junk!”

you snickered a laugh and johnny got startled a little bit, smiling, “it’s technically my parents’ car-“

“oh yes it’s his parents’ car!” you told the old man, still holding your arm to your head. johnny pulled a face at you, holding you into headlock playfully.

“keep your mouth shut, you chatterbox.” he embarrassingly said but giggled while you apologised.

the old man looked up, “you guys don’t seem from around ‘ere. thankfully we’re close by a car mechanic who could fix your car and a motel for you to wait. though it’ll take hours for it to get the job done.” pointing to the car. “so you youngin’s should crash in and stay the night. the forecast predicted it’ll be raining heavy ‘til mornin’.”

you nodded, eyes squinted at him, “that’ll be great sir. thank you.”

“sorry kiddos, we’re fully booked tonight.” the old lady by the counter blatantly said while chewing gum, staring at the two in front of her who were completely drenched in pouring rain.

johnny approached the counter, “ma’am, we need a place to stay for the night. we’ll leave first thing tomorrow.”

the old lady grumbled a little, “did ‘ya even hear me? no. more. rooms. available.”

johnny formed his fist into a ball, his blood spiking up on how rude this old lady was. you didn’t miss this and decided to ask another way. “ma’am, if there aren’t any rooms left for single beds. is there any chance for booking a room with two twin beds?”

the old lady tipped her glasses back in place, “there should be one room left, beautiful lady.” she typed on her computer, and johnny scoffed at the contrast, “ah yes, we do have. i can book you here. okay! one couple suite for the night!” she said while getting the key for the room.

“couple suite-” you both said,

“he’s not my boyfri-”

“she’s not my girlf-”

“y’all want to sleep outside instead?” she frowned, pointing to the heavy rain just behind the door. “it’s free.”

johnny clicked his tongue, “why you-”

you immediately prevented johnny from dampening the counter any more by holding his body back with your arm, “we’ll take it! the couple suite.” you faked a laugh, giving her cash, took the keys from her and pushing johnny away from the reception.

both of you exited the elevator and you were so amused by his attitude earlier. “what’s with that, johnny?”

“she was so rude, and i asked nicely.” johnny laid his arms out in confusion, he shook his head and sprinkled his hair. “right?”

you just crossed your arms, “give it a break, she’s an old lady.”

“yeah and she feels so entitled, damn.” he sighed, walking towards the suite.

opening the door, you and johnny sighed as you both saw the king sized double bed. the air instantly changed and it made it awkward when two bathroom robes were laid in front of you.

“i-i’ll go for a shower first,” you stuttered, going to the bathroom immediately, taking the robe before closing the door behind you. holding your chest, this scenario wasn’t happening at all. slapping your face to keep it real, you started to shower.

johnny on the other hand, found an extra towel in the car. he wiped his hair and dried his body a bit to prevent it from being too cold. his ears picked up the tapping of fallen shower droplets, and he didn’t want to focus on that.

he turned the television on, he guided the remote control to flip through the channels, stopping momentarily on a love scene and immediately changing it to a weather forecast.

he remembered what taeyong had told him; and was relieved that he did, not wanting to jump to that. he had to keep his goal, befriending you was priority.

“stop.” he mumbled to himself. he then heard a knock, opening the door for the knocker.

“here’s a little welcoming gift from our staff to you.” the lady smiled at him before handing him a box, bowing her head then taking her leave.

johnny opened the box, expecting snacks as the packaging was a bento box. his eyes caught on something that made him let out a little noise. he didn’t even notice you were finished showering and was standing behind him. “what are you holding?”

“agh!” he closed the box, shouting louder and that made you mirror him as well, holding your arms close to you.

“what the hell?” you said, catching your breath. “why’d you do that for? oh- is that food?”

“room service.” he nervously chuckled, eyeing other things. “i ordered for myself so you can order your own too. i’ll go shower.”

he sprinted to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. his ears were really red at this point. opening the box, he took the item and flushed it down the toilet. “what the hell were the staff thinking?” after he finished showering, he spotted you eating food from room service, all comfortable on the bed.

in the end he decided to sleep on the sofa and he hoped he’d be able to get through the night.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

taglist: @titanmaknae29 @joepomonerof @lovesuhng @studyingthemind @cheyehc @kyeomooniee @geysuuuuh

[kathairoette]

yo.

I got an announcement to make.

I’m taking a break. Blep.

And no, it doesn’t mean I’m leaving forever haha, but I’m definitely taking a stop from fandom. It’s for a lot of reasons, the kind of small ones that accumulate to something big, until you just go “You know what? We should stop. Let’s just go.”

First is IRL stuff, responsibilities. Things are changing and I need to take some time to focus on it. Second is skill. While I know I’m not bad, I wish I was… better? A common sentiment for artists ofc, but I want to brush up on my fundamentals and really tighten up my skills. My hope’s that when I come back, I can make more things that are interesting and meaningful. That my work can be things that you and I are both interested in.

Second is my experience in fandom for the last few months. I’ve been doing this for a while, 6-7 years-ish. And it’s sort of lost the magic for me? Sometimes it feels as if what I made had no real impact at all: That all my work’s good for is a quick scroll through and that’s it. It’s how social media works, esp fandom’s, but it’s also kind of painful, you know? And I grew quite lonely because of it, and seeing other people cheer on one another so vividly, publicly or privately or otherwise, felt very saddening. I don’t think I’ve ever felt jealousy like that until now.

So I kinda need to leave pfft. Such thoughts aren’t good for me, and I never want to think bad of fellow fans. But before I truly did, I got to know some people. They were kind and willing to play with me, and so my heart did not hurt so much anymore. And all you people who do come around here too! Whether its from @kathairoscloset or here, you remind me that it’s not as bad as it seems, that you are interested in seeing what I’ll do. It’s important, and I wish I could hear some of your voices even more. But I appreciate it, I really do! Thank you.

I hope that when I come back, I can be a better person and artist than what I was yesterday. I want to, I really do. And I hope you all stay good people too! Here’s to a better year, I wish you all the best.

[tunemyart]

Gelphie, 6

6. How they decorated their bedroom

We see their room in the musical, so I'll answer this for the book! Galinda ofc is obsessed with image, and projecting a very specific kind of said image - sheeeee's rich! Sheeeeee's definitely part of this social class she's trying to fit her way into! Despite the fact that for the first year she was actively trying not to let anyone inside her room bc she was so ashamed of her forced association with Elphaba, I def think in the beginning she lived and breathed the image she was trying to become, absolutely not an expression of self, and I think as she got access to the other girls and their rooms, she adjusted accordingly in an attempt to match them while Elphaba watched in silent judgment across the room. Honestly I'm thinking like prints or knockoff copies of paintings by whoever's popular - not whoever the art circles are talking about bc they're causing a stir, that's not safe enough and would require her to have a divisive opinion about it, I mean absolutely inoffensive stuff that you say 'that's nice' about but blends in the background. Thrifted knickknacky stuff that's absolute fluff that is close enough to what she imagines populates the richer girls' houses. Honestly maybe some doilies. Fluffy bedding and a canopy she'd put in on the four poster. The irony being ofc that all the rich girls know she's not rich and not of their class, and if they saw all this stuff they'd be like cringe she's trying too hard, poor silly stupid Galinda to think she's actually one of us.

(Elphaba doesn't decorate her side of the room at all as commentary on what's happening on the other side of the room, and out of both a lack of sentimental items to decorate with and a complete lack of desire to do so regardless.)

By the time Galinda shifts into Glinda, I think she'd toss out a bunch of this stuff and put up art she has an opinion on, perhaps that she'd seen out with Elphaba and debated with her, perhaps that Elphaba herself bought her from some artist in Railway Square and makes Glinda feel oddly warm when she looks at on her wall, and she'd keep it there even if she didn't actually aesthetically love the piece, which is also, after all, cheap. I think she'd have a lot more fun with her love of architecture too, def a lot more books placed prominently at the very least. The canopy on her four poster stays but the fluffy lacy stuff on her bed gets replaced with comfy stuff she actually likes. She visits home and brings back a childhood stuffed animal or two or three. She and Elphaba argue over whether it's an animal or Animal.

(Elphaba starts to accrue things that aren't books too, from Boq and Crope and Tibbett and Fiyero and Nessa and most of all Glinda. Most she either throws away unsentimentally if she has no practical need of/desire for them, but some she places haltingly on her bedside table, and one she hangs on her wall, the lone thing she's hung up on a sea of neutral beige. This is also from Glinda, and it's a piece of modern art by the same Railway Square artists who'd created the one she'd purchased for Glinda that hangs directly across the room. Glinda had laughed when Elphaba put it up on the dare, knowing Elphaba liked it less than she did, but neither take them down. The very idea of it feels wrong.)

((Glinda hangs onto both when she moves out of the room and marries vaguely into the class she'd been after. Chuffrey is too kind and refined to do anything like wrinkle his nose but he does say something like my dear that's an interesting choice of art do you really believe it quite goes with the rest of the room? To which Lady Chuffrey says its my bedroom and I'll hang up whatever art I damn well please, and that's the end of that.))

[feelingdeath]

The last one (for a while)

I have zero drafts now, fewish followers, and this is going to be my 385th post.

I am logging off of tumblr, for a good bit. I did think about deleting my account, but i have people on here that i care about and who care about me (also i remember when @doritosaftersex deactivated his account and i felt bad). So instead ill come back in maybe a few months or years, or maybe never depends on well lol if i actually kms. Although don't worry i really doubt i have the time or energy for that. Before i go though i lowkey realised that i haven't ever spoken about like the well other side of me. The parts that i don't tumblr about. So here's this post- an Introduction and a Good-Bye.

My name's Piki, and that's me in the pfp { One of the good days}.

i like cats. (I think most people would start off like that).

M a living cliche and also a hypocrite cos i hate cliches and i literally wanna do something different, but oops =).

I have been in two relationships, second one going on right now, been over six months (and i think this is the last one because i might marry him [ totally will] and i couldn't ask for anyone more better).

I think I am an extrovert ? I don't really know. Making tumble mutuals was so hard for me i literally have only one ( @mqstermindswift ).

i like cyanide, the color and the song and the vibe. (My favourite artists are The Chainsmokers, Linkin Park, MGK, OH AND JAKEHILL [i love jake hill])

I like Italian food and will. eat. anything. that has cheese. I am kinda vegetarian though, i don't like the idea of eating an animal who probably had a family but i absolutely HATE animals as a whole (ref to point 3 about me being a hypocrite)

I hate everyone and everything, the first thing that i said to morphi and it also got me my nickname piki - which means m picky about everything.

i also love doing everything (fk m confusing). i dance, and love to cook, and i draw really well, and i can play the guitar, i learnt the violin nd the piano too a bit, i like debating a lot, and volunteering for things.

On the surface my life seems great, but then comes the well the stuff- i mean clearly it would take you a few scrolls across my blog to see how er bad it really gets but well-

I might have bpd? i am not sure.

i feel terribly lonely sometimes and also inferior to everyone around me.

my parents are not the greatest people out there. they both have done stuff that well i wont type it out here of course, but its bad.

the above thing dig this really deep pit of trust issues and well now i believe in tragedies more than hope ( morphi hates that but he'll get it once he knows)

i have tried to km, when i was younger. And if i had a penny for everytime i thought about killing myself elon musk and i would be homies.

i am really gorey, and i like horror movies and the gore and CNC and stuff.

i cant open up. too many expectations.

i get really low sometimes and i end up saying stuff or doing stuff and i don't particularly remember why or what i did, and so i poof (another thing morphi hates).

i hurt myself a lot which probably comes from point 6.

Sounds like two different people now. There is SO MUCH i haven't told about me, but if you have even like read this at all. M lowkey impressed. I am not going to go in and fix my spelling mistakes and capitalisation so go figure.

OKAY GOODBYE.

[skullaton]

Chapter 2: You should head back

Wally Darling / GN Reader Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Rating: M

Summary:

The city is full of people. Then why did it feel so lonely? Memories of clinking bottles and dazzling neon lights flickered through your mind. Misty, car filled streets with humans, but no humanity. A bridge and a phonebooth. And a sweet voice that wanted you to come home. You’ve wandered too far, and you don’t know how to get back. But don’t worry! You’ve made some friends from a colourful town that can help you!

TW: Childhood trauma, scopophobia, alcohol references AO3 link: here Wally logo by Clown

A low buzz of static hummed throughout your living room.

You were alone again.

It wasn’t new to be alone.

Your mom worked multiple shifts, and your teenage sister was often out late.

Your dad had been out of the picture for a long time.

You sat on the verdant shag rug as you leafed through the spines of old VHS tapes on your entertainment centre. Tempting titles such as Pokemon or Doraemon called for you to pick them, but there was one that you always meandered back to.

There was a worn, yellow plastic tape, the sticker long faded from years of use.

Welcome Home.

Your mom picked it out at a second-hand shoppe - probably to get you off her back while she shopped for other things.

It quickly became one of your favourite shows.

It felt like a nice little respite from the world. A home away from home.

You also loved the fact that the artist segment changes every time you watch it!

It must be a new feature for VCR players, because none of your other tapes did that!

You popped the VHS into the player, the gears winding the tape.

The rainbow show lit up the room, like a beacon of life in this dreary existence.

The opening title of the show rolled. You hummed to it as you got comfortable on the floor, your tiny legs kicking in the air as you lay on your stomach.

The segment started, the main character behind an easel peaking out, paintbrush in hand.

“Hello, neighbour!”

----

Your heavy eyelids blinked as consciousness pulled you out of your deep slumber. You sucked in a deep breath of air as you stretched your sore limbs.

What a day, yesterday.

You rolled to your side as the reality of waking up connected in your brain. You tiredly stared at the rows of storeroom shelves, internally cursing yourself.

Guess it was all real.

You fumbled out of your blanket cocoon and wobbled your way to the door. You were greeted with the same towering, multi-limbed creature from yesterday. There was something comforting about him today, though. He felt more realistic. Kind.

He was stocking his shelves dutifully before looking up to you. He held in a chuckle. “Good morning! You look like you slept well.”

You gave him a groggy ‘huh?’

He responded simply by pointing at your hair.

Your hand went up to touch the literal bird’s nest that sat on your scalp. You hurriedly ran your fingers through the locks, flattening out whatever imperfections. An embarrassed blush crossed your features.

He chuckled once again. “If you want, you can use the shower. I can find you a fresh pair of clothes.”

“You sell clothes?” Your sleepy voice cracked in surprise.

“More like I special order clothes for Julie. The only thing is that silly little girl always forgets to pick up her orders.”

You rubbed the sleep from your eyes. “Wouldn’t she be mad if you looked through her orders?”

He gave a dismissive wave of a hand as he moved his way to a few boxes behind the front counter. “If I told her that it was for you, she’d probably assume it was for ‘dress up party’ purposes. So I don’t think she’d mind.”

You tried not to think about the ethical and legal implications of going through your customer’s stuff. Arguing probably wouldn’t help you in this case.

He pulled out a pair of high waisted flare jeans and a muted rainbow top. He offered them with one set of hands, while the others went to seal the boxes back up.

Dang, multitasking to the extreme.

You gratefully accepted the clothes. “You sure this is okay…?”

He gave you a caring smile, dismissing your concern, “Go get washed up.”

You bowed your head in thanks, padding your way to the bathroom.

**

A shower will help you feel human again in this insane puppet world.

Turning on the faucet, hot steam clouded the tiny washroom. Dipping into the warm waters, you felt your woes and worries wash down the drain.

Your mind wandered to Howdy. He sure helped you a lot. His generosity knows no bounds. Maybe you should help him in some way? Maybe pay back your debt by cleaning up the bodega a bit?

Yeah, that sounds good. It must be hard being the only worker.

You stepped out of the shower, wrapping a spare towel around your body. You swiped a hand across the clouded mirror, giving a good look at yourself.

That husk of a human from last night looked more alive. Colour was back in your face, and the fine lines around your eyes seemed to have lightened.

Those retinol treatments you were doing probably helped a lot with your complexion.

Despite everything, you’re still you!

Tossing on the retro styled clothes, you embarked on the new day.

**

”What can I do to help?”

“Really, you don’t need to do anything.”

You released a stubborn sigh, arms folding across your chest. You stared at the bug man from across the counter. “I really want to help you, Howdy. I want to help pay off my debt.”

The salesman weighed the options. He gave a resigned sigh. “Alright, but you have to follow the price guides of the bodega!”

You quirked a brow. “Price guides?”

He gestured to the ‘100% off!’ sign on the window pane.

Your brows furrowed as you scoffed. “How does that even work?”

“Well, people pay in jokes, ideas, or observations!” He then pointed to an apple display adjacent to the front counter. A sign on it read ‘1 Apple for 1 Joke’.

There’s no way these silly Muppets live in capitalism-free town. “How does commerce even work, then? How do you pay for goods being imported to your shop?”

Howdy put a finger up to his lips as he smirked. “Trade secrets! Maybe you’ll find out some day, young Grasshopper!”

You released a defeated huff.

“Besides, there’s more to life then pointless currency. Sometimes the most valuable things are your friend’s company and wise words!”

They really did live in a commune. In a sense, you envied them.

The morning tolled on, and he instructed little things on how he ran the bodega. You helped by stocking some shelves and sweeping the floors. Before you knew it, it was midday.

The door chimed as a pair of customers sauntered in. Your breath hitched as you saw a 7 foot, bumbling blue dog plod through the doorway. You were tempted to hide behind a shelf,… that is, until your eyes landed on the shorter man walking behind him.

A smile stretched across your face, “Hello, Wally!”

The cardigan-clad puppet gave you an all-encompassing grin, “Hello, neighbour!”

“Oh, is this the kid you were talking about?” the dog rumbled in a deep baritone.

Your skin prickled at the term ‘kid.’ You were quite obviously not a kid.

Wally regarded the towering puppet with a nod. The giant mock Blue’s Clues character offered a wave, “Welcome to Home! The next Big City this side of the forest! I’m Barnaby, by the way.”

You assuaged the temporary anger and introduced yourself with a little wave. Howdy, who was behind the front counter, called out to the new patrons. “What can I get for you fellas?”

Barnaby put up two fingers, “Two hot dogs, please!”

“Two dogs wrapped in yellow and red bow ties, with all the fixin's, comin’ right up!” The caterpillar’s limbs went to work as he swiveled around to the hot dog machine. He loaded the dogs up with whipped cream, onions, ketchup, mustard, and a cherry.

Imagining the taste made you shiver.

He offered the food to the pair, while another set of hands punched in the order on the cash register. “And how will you be paying today?”

Barnaby gave a smug smile. “Why did the baby cookie cry?”

A pause.

“Its mother was a wafer so long.”

Howdy erupted in a boisterous laugh, one of his hands going down to slap his knee. Even you smirked at the atrocious dad joke. He rubbed a tear away from his eye as he regarded Wally. “And how about you?”

Wally gave his signature hum as he rolled his head to the side. “What do you call an insect who can’t get out of bed?”

You peered at him expectantly.

“A bedbug!”

Howdy offered a sympathetic chuckle, the joke not landing as hard as Barnaby’s. He punched the jokes on the register, the receipt screeching out as it was printed.

“You tried, fella,” Barnaby put a big paw on Wally’s shoulder.

“Can’t top the town jokester, after all,” the smaller puppet winked up at his friend and they both chuckled.

With hot dogs in hand, they started to make their way out. As Barnaby ducked out of of the tiny doorframe, Wally stood in place for a moment.

It felt like minutes pass until he finally regards you. “Would you like to come with us? We can introduce you to the rest of the neighbours.”

You bit the inside of your cheek as you considered. You still felt guilty about not paying back all of what Howdy has done for you.

“Go meet everyone, Grasshopper,” the voice next to you pulled you out of your thoughts, the new nickname cooling any form of anxiety that you harnessed. “You can’t figure out how to get out of here without friends, right?”

You offered Howdy a kind smile. “Thanks.”

He shooed you off with your new friend, allowing you to step free into the rainbow world of Home.

Wally and you caught up to Barnaby, who was happily snacking on his treat.

**

The three of you trekked throughout the colour radiant town, making pit stops in front of each of the townsfolk’s homes.

The first person you all ran into was the mailman, Eddie. He curtly greeted himself, but just as quickly excused himself to get back to work.

You watched him run off into the distance before regarding your friends. “You reckon he’d know the roads out of here?”

Wally tilted his head as he observed you, still just casually holding his hot dog. “I think his route takes him further from the City.”

You gave a sad, thoughtful hum before Wally and Barnaby, the persuasive of friends, convinced you to meet with every one of the neighbours.

Poppy, who lived in a barn, was elated to see you again. She gave praises and crooned over how you were a ‘poor lost duckling.’ She vowed to cook for you if you ever needed food for the trip.

The next new person was a literal star who lived in a theatre. Sally was an eccentric puppet who was working on a set for an upcoming play. When you spoke to her about your story, you can tell she was taking internal notes. Please, Sally, don’t make your lost voyage into a Shakespearean tragedy.

Julie was as excited as ever to see you again. She complimented your outfit, stating that it looks ‘oddly familiar.’ Hm. You wonder why. She offered if you needed anymore clothes, she’s always willing to play dress up.

Frank was out in his lawn, taking notes on a butterfly perched on a flower. You all decided not to bother him. Butterfly watching seemed stressful, as is.

Now you all stood in front of Barnaby’s doghouse. He was hungrily staring at Wally’s hot dog, who, to your humour, was carrying the snack around like it was a show and tell specimen.

“You going to finish that, buddy?” Barnaby rumbled.

Wally shook his head and offered the undisturbed snack to his friend. The dog practically wolfed the food down in a blink.

The yellow puppet clapped his hands to get the remaining crumbs off his palms while Barnaby wiped the remnants on his own forearm.

“I think this is a wonderful day to sun bathe,” Barnaby started before dipping into his yard. “You guys comin’?”

Wally hummed at the offer before shaking his head politely, “I still need to show them Home.”

Barnaby gave a carefree shrug, “Suit yourself. Y’know where to find me.” With that, he sauntered into his littered yard and found a nice batch of grass to plop down on.

You regarded Wally with a quirked brow, “’Home’? Isn’t that just the town name?”

He tutted with a tiny smirk, “Silly, silly.” He didn’t explain, instead marched up the hill to the centre of town. A red house sat on the crest, it’s windows watching you.

Wait… watching?

You stumbled back as you stifled a yelp, the giant windows blinking at your reaction. You tried to scramble behind the short puppet man.

He simply shook his head with a chuckle. He gestures to the sentient house, “This is Home! This is where I live!”

Home made some thumping noises in greeting.

You sucked in a breath as you watched in horror. Your hand came up to grasp your forehead. “Okay, I finally accepted puppets. Houses now? I must be dead. There’s no way this is real.”

“If you’re dead,” Wally looked back at you with sleepy eyes, voice nonchalant, “then this must be heaven!”

You swallowed thickly, not sure how to process his words. You sucked in another big breath to calm your trembling body and forced a weak wave at Home.

Home waved its shutters in greeting.

Well… it’s not trying to eat you like Monster House. Maybe it really isn’t that bad?

Wally broke his barrier between you and Home, making you feel exposed and vulnerable. He maneuvered his way to an easel that sat just outside his home. He placidly began to pack up the art supplies that was left outside. A half painted picture of an apple lay on the canvas, probably abandoned this morning as he opted to hang with Barnaby.

The tension you held in your shoulders ease as you watch his easygoing pace.

There really is a charm about him that can ease your worries.

He briefly glanced back to catch you staring, a soft smile gracing his plush lips. “Penny for your thoughts?”

A blush shot to your face as you looked away, embarrassed. Your heart hammered as you focused on anything but him. You cleared your throat as a thought began tumbling out, “It’s nice here, but I’m wondering if… maybe you have any suggestions on how to leave?”

Wally noticeably tenses. He was quiet for a few beats, his lazy eyes never leaving yours. “I suppose I can paint you a map! But…”

He paused, his expression softening, tone becoming more sympathetic. “It must have been pretty serious for you to get lost like you did. Do you really want to go back? You wouldn’t be a burden here in Home! You’re always welcome.”

It felt like time stood still as his words washed over you.

There was a heaviness to it all, something akin to scratching at a mental scab. A truth that you didn’t want to uncover the band aid of.

You stood in silence as you mulled over the implications.

He watched you as your thoughts clouded your features. He observed the storm in your brain get cloudier before deciding to intervene. He extended a hand out to caress your arm, the felt touch anchoring you back to reality. His voice was low and pleasant, “Take your time. It’s a big decision, and there’s no need to rush. I’ll be here for you if you need it.”

The pressure from your jaw released, the tension that built up now toppled like building blocks.

He really was a good person.

“Thank you, Wally.”

He only offered a cute feline-like smile. **

It wasn’t long before the sky became a vibrant array of pinks and blues. The sun was settling just over the horizon as you and Wally decided to part from each other.

You made your way back to Howdy’s Place, giving the caterpillar a quiet greeting. He was starting to close up shop, and you decided to help him - much to his dismay.

With the two of you, the shop was closed and cleaned in record time.

He wiped the sweat off his brow, his face bearing a proud smile. “You really help a lot, young grasshopper.”

You shrugged. “It’s the least I can do.”

He shook his head with a chuckle. “You should eat some food. I think I have a spare salad in the back.”

You blinked at the thought of eating. Come to think of it, you didn’t feel hungry at all today.

How strange.

You decided to chock it up to stress from a new environment.

You thanked him for his generosity before wishing him a good night. You dipped into the backroom to locate the fresh greens. Chomping on the leaves, your mind wandered to the day.

The day felt… nice. Almost surreal.

You almost felt like you belonged.

But… you really should head home.

… Right … ?

[nmotypdfsfg]

Disclaimer:

all names, characters, places, incidents are fictitious,

i'm sorry if there are mistakes,

a little bit creepy story (i watched too many horror movies lol),

pictures are edited in an online editor,

random names.

POV:

Chai and Prin are friends and co-workers. It's vacation time. Chai (1) is relaxing on a remote island called A, and Prin (kh) is on a business trip in Korea. They communicate via online mail. This is how they tell each other the latest news.

[1] Chai:

Hello, my dear friend. My holiday is going great, although it is a pity that you are not here. I think you would like to visit this place too. The local food is so delicious. The nature is so beautiful. I have attached a photo of the lighthouse we visited today. It is a very interesting and mysterious place. Actually, the guide did not want to take us here because this place has a bad reputation. But we persuaded him to come here (it was a difficult task). He did not want to.

picture 1:

This place has a bad reputation because people often disappear here. The last case happened just two months ago. A newlywed couple just disappeared. It's so creepy. But we still wanted to visit this place.

There are many rumors about this place. Some say that this lighthouse is some kind of portal, someone says that it is an entrance to another worlds, someone says that it is an entrance to another dimension, someone even insists that it is some kind of wormhole and through this lighthouse you can get to other galaxies. I have never visited places like this. I was so excited.

[2] Prin:

Hello, dear friend, I received your letter. I am glad that you are having a good time. We are doing well, we are discussing and agreeing on the strategy of cooperation with the company S, everything is going well, and it is quite boring. The story about the lighthouse seems very interesting, I would not mind visiting it too. Maybe next time we will go on holiday together?

By the way, I also encountered something unusual and mysterious, no, I'm kidding. You know, I had such an interesting dream, in this dream I seemed to have passed through many different worlds and even met a cat. So funny. This dream excited me so much that I asked a local artist to draw a couple of pictures based on my dream. I am sending you these drawings.

Picture 1:

picture 2:

picture 3:

picture 4:

[3] Chai:

Hello, friend. I'm glad everything is going smoothly for you. Please try to have fun. I also like your suggestion for the next vacation.

I looked at the pictures you sent me, they are quite interesting. As for me, I don't dream anything.

I feel a little weird because our guide suddenly disappeared (it's so strange). He didn't tell anyone about his plans, he doesn't answer his phone, no one in the company knows where he is. I'm a little worried about him. We're leaving soon.

[4] Prin:

Hello, friend. I feel sorry for your guide, and I hope he will be found soon. I am also leaving Korea soon, we have almost finished the negotiations on our cooperation project. I think everything will be fine.

Actually, I had another interesting dream and you were in this dream too. I was so excited and happy. We visited so many different places together. I am sending you some pictures. Maybe I think about you too much and that is why I dream about you, I am joking of course. But it's true that sometimes I feel lonely, especially when the evenings are so foggy.

picture 1:

picture 2:

picture 3:

[5] Chai:

Prin, this is so creepy. But it seems to me that you dreamed of the place where I am now, I recognized these places immediately. It's so strange, because I only sent you a photo of the lighthouse. And how did you know about the other places, can you explain? Did you find and look at photos of other travelers, and that's why it stuck in your memory? My friend, I have goosebumps, please admit it that you've already been here. I'm waiting for your answer.

[6] Prin:

The fog is dangerous, human. Throughout the centuries I have tried to warn ships and people that the fog is dangerous, but they do not listen to me. I'm so lonely.

[7] Chai:

Well, that's funny, you're scaring me on purpose, my friend, hahaha. Are you pretending to be a lighthouse, what a funny joke. Okay, I'll write to you tomorrow when you're more serious.

The next day, Prin did not respond, nor did he answer his phone. Chai was worried and sent email to his company's director to find out how to contact Prin in Korea.

[8] Company director:

Hi Chai, what’s going on? I was so shocked when I got your mail! Please let me know where exactly you are! It’s been three months since you went to that damn place for a vacation, and whether you know it or not, you and your fellow travelers have disappeared. And Prin has disappeared too. He asked me not to tell you back then that he wasn’t going to Korea because he wanted to surprise you, so he followed you to that island. We haven’t had any news of him since. We haven’t been able to contact him or you on your phones. Please call me or someone else and let us know how to find you. I’m sending you all the contacts you can use to report your whereabouts.

[jack-bytez-genuine-corner]

Dear Tumblr diary,

I had to make a Instagram and Threads in an attempt to follow con artists I've met and bought things from, but in doing so I have to interact with a social media that sucks and only wants to show me women "Working out" in the skimpiest attire imaginable with their gazoingas hanging out and not at all supported, which isn't just bad form that can get you injured but I'm gay and therefore am terrified of big boobs. Jokes aside it sucks as I already pine for the days when I first joined Tumblr and learned it had basically negative levels of coding for a recommendation feed but instead just drip feeds me content from people I already follow. Also you have to request to follow some people on Instagram? I'm not trying to be their friend I'm just trying to read any important updates they put out so I can toss what little money I can spare at them to keep them afloat. (As a side note I do have a fear of big breasts a little. I have no clue if that's a weird fear but I got it and I'll never understand it. I've started to learn to like big chested guys though so that's good but it's dumb.)

On another note I did a full body nude sketch of an anthro lamb that turned out VERY well. I don't really see many anthro lambs as so many artists draw them very cute and innocent and closer to the source but I just drew a dude and stapled a lamb head on him and I think it turned out very well for furry art and for my first full body sketch in over 6 years. I had to relearn all my 2D art stuff cause I got hit by some crap around my time in art college that made me hang up the pen until this last month ish.

I'm very happy that my friends, family and husband are all giving me much more of the support I'd like from art which is more than just "Ok" or "Cool" which definitely gives me that rush to keep going, but the core difference is that I'm far more accepting of my "Bad art" than I was even I was 18. Art to me is just about the process and making now and that brings joy, rather than grandiose ideals or dreams. I guess my pessism from having long COVID and brain fog has made me bury my dreams which let's me enjoy the present far more.

The Cult of the Lamb comic is insanely good so far and I feel like it's doing a great job of fleshing out every aspect of the characters but most notably I do like how terrifying and authority driven the lamb can be while also being extremely kind, really playing with both aspects of the potential read on the game's "Morality." I still have a couple con comic books to read ala Quested but I'm also going to read Kid Venom just cause I think more of these very western properties should hand them out to people in other countries to do their own spin. I talk about it with my dad a lot but getting an Idian film studio or Korean film studio to make a Star Wars movie or show would be really neat given just how much raw talent they have and how they might approach these concepts from a different cultural lens, especially since foreign stuff is taking off in the West due to how much desire people have to see and experience something new that isn't just made by us in America. Like get the people who made Monkey Man to make an hour and a half lone Jedi revenge story or something could be awesome.

Other than all that I'm about 3.75ish years into Long COVID brain fog with zero relief coming so that sucks as it made me quit college right before I had my associates while stopping me from working at all. Given how shtty the job market is with scams and fake job listings I can't really tell if that's a blessing or a curse. Hopefully I won't be like this forever, but I guess it's fine if I am too.

I'm wishing you all the best,

Jack

[keefwho]

December 10 - 2022

8:23 AM

My patreon is STILL going down and I don’t know what to do/think about it. what if I end up not having enough people to fill up my commissions? I dont even know what I’d do at that point. Hope it gets better? Apply to work at the store where my mom works? That would suck ass. Realistically it probably won’t get that bad. Worst case scenario is I’ll have to announce in Discord or Twitter that I still need to fill up commissions and I predict I’d have enough takers if I did that. 

Im so SAD, the weekend is supposed to be chill time but all I can think about is trying to stop my ‘business’ from failing. I feel like I should be cranking out YCHs or art of popular characters or something. There’s so much to do in general that I don’t feel like I can justify whole weekends. 

5:54 PM

All the things that need getting done weigh on my mind. I have to choose if I let the weekend be a weekend or try to get things out of the way. I should just relax otherwise this cycle will never end and I will never have a break. Maybe I can do a little bit of it tomorrow morning but other than that I should save it for Monday. Thats why I started allocating time during weekday afternoons to be “generally productive.” 

6:10 PM

I have a problem with feeling lonely, I have for a long time. And I’m making progress as to why I feel that way. First off, I don’t feel lonely when I’m with my besties. I feel a genuine connection to them that makes me very happy. To me they feel like actual people and that I’m an actual person to them. For many reasons throughout my life, I’ve become prone to tuning most people out like they are NPCs. Early in life it might be because I moved so often that I didn’t get to make good childhood friends. Everywhere I moved it was basically “Oh there’s different people now, and there will be different people when we move again.” I never even missed the short term friends I made as a child every time we had to move. In more recent years I get a lot of interaction from what I’ll call “fans” for lack of a better word. They usually engage me for the same reasons and say the same things so I get the idea that everyone contacting me about my art is “just another fan.” Strangers I meet that don’t know I’m an artist tend to feel like “randos,” but I think thats a common feeling amongst people. The problem is that I don’t want it to be. I want to expand my capacity for empathy to include strangers and even fans. It seems impossible right now but I have some methods in mind to reach out and try to connect to people more. I think this will help with my loneliness too because I won’t have to rely on 2-3 people for my genuine interaction. 

It feels weird that I have to give this effort but it really isn’t when I think about it. I was severely socially stunted as a child so I have to make up for it now. Everyone has their shortcomings and this is just one of mine. 

7:42 PM

Im stressing out about my friend’s Christmas gift I’m making because it’s a pretty unfamiliar medium and I’m afraid I won’t get it done in time for Christmas or done at all for that matter. I’m not sure I can pull it off but I’m gonna try my hardest. I think it might be one of those things thats gonna look very wrong before it starts becoming right. 

I also might be burnt out thinking about creative stuff today. 

[agentmmayy]

september rotation

this was an interesting month for music! i didn’t discover as many new songs as i usually do or typically put on here, but these are my top picks for the month 

mushroom punch - zella day: zella day is on the fast track to be coming my new favorite artist bc this is a banger that’s equally as arresting as radio silence. just as punchy as the title suggests. it begs to be sung along to  

cyclone - maude lateur: the beat!!!!!!!!! absolutely a sad twerking song. it’s about realizing the self-destruction of past relationships with the beautiful comparison to a hurricane (...to soon?) it includes the build-up to expecting a disaster and the excitement buried beneath fear it incites and the heart-breaking devastation that follows

take off - prinze george: i’ve had this song stuck in my head for days and for good reason. ABSOLUTE banger. it’s selfish and greedy and all consuming in the way love is sometimes 

close to you - the wildlife: @majicmarker introduced me to this song and i haven’t recovered since. it has me down SO BAD i’m writing a whole ass fic. the eddissy vibes are off the charts and the lyrics ‘push your hands against the wall, kissing in the bathroom stall’ produced a very whoreish reaction from me ngl

lonely - ladyhawke: the yearning here... coupled with the haunting and harrowing vocals... contrasting the hopeful tone with the “hopeless” “other” in the song... the repetition of ‘run’ and ‘running’... all accumulates into this heavyhearted masterpiece that has me laying in bed and crying to. also the cover art fucks

graduating - nell mescal: oh this song... whew. it’s bittersweet. i know i describe a lot of songs on here as melancholic but this fits it to a tee. it’s also angry and hurting. like poking at a fresh bruise or an open wound. you want to heal but can’t do that without aggravating the pain, whether purposefully or not 

i wanna - ella jane: back again with the yearning! i had to google what the artist says about this song and she describes it as coming from being fed up with being single and admitting to wanting to be in love as such a vulnerable and honest and even embarrassing place and describes the chorus as “empowering” which i completely agree with. 

i WILL, however, debate with the interviewer of the article where they say the song “felt like they were in a coming-of-age film.” i wouldn’t definitively categorize this song as “coming-of-age” though i can see how it can be seen as such. it’s just not letting it live to its full potential. it’s a disservice. falling in love or realizing you want to be in love and be in a relationship isn’t limited to the ages between childhood/adolescence/adulthood. love can be found at any age! BUT i am also not trying to make this song inaccessible to people who are at that age (since ella jane is a young adult and wrote this song recently) and could benefit from hearing it

coolest fucking bitch in town - haley blais: already poured out the majority of my thoughts on this song to @152glasslippers whose tags introduced me to it and WOW. mind = blown. it’s nothing like i expected from the title and openly admit i was humbled right from the start. it’s soft yet still unapologetic and cathartic. i’ve been thinking about those trumpets ever since yesterday

[ngmn2002]

Silly - Serious "Red House" Arc Thoughts

♡ A little kid ♡ is found by Kou and Nene in the dangerous red house... lil Tsu called Nene-chan "onee-chan" while lil Amane called her "onee-san" wow... As Nene-chan took him in a 'hug' I think maybe she was the only one from the people who came into the house to treat Tsu with 'kindness'? Nice Nene-chan? He hugged her back. How cute. maybe he was also feeling so lonely so it felt really good to have some care They seemed to get along reallllly well later on! Can't wait to see the roles reversed now in ch 107, maybe? ~

.......... This thing makes me question lots of stuff. What's the state Tsukasa really is in? A thing I wondered about too many times was Tsukasa's need for 'food' to keep surviving. Did he need that in the red house? Or not? The status of this boy confuses me A LOT, not only in this age, but in all his other ages as well. Anyway, Nene-chan was going too well with her speech until......

........... Huh.....?

Sometimes I really question myself how the minds of those teens work. Of course he will answer who is Hanako? Is it hard to ask with "Hanako's" real name instead? like you did when you told him 'Amane is going to kill you'

A rare big brain Kou moment. Please... how did you see they are the same? I'm sorry... Tsukasa... but...

If I were to show this thing to someone and asked whether you '2' are the same person or not, I believe the answer will be... they are not. So Kou, my question is... based on what did you make your assumption? His aura? It's different I believe? Hmm... is it the power of hatred that made you know that's its target? Not bad.

Switch places with me, Nene.. please? ♡

Please!!!!!!! ♡

Oh... she kept on going with that "Hanako-kun's descendent" thingy.

She asked Tsu if he likes Ice cream, tho!!! She was planning on getting him some!! Such a nice girl!! Sharing food with the twins is always fun!!! From his reaction, I bet he does. You made him feel hungry, Nene-chan! Now I want to see her and Tsu enjoying some ice cream together..

help!!! ♡

and here I was thinking this thing comes only from elders' mouths, I was wrong. Tsukasa-kun is unique. ♡ tho, the things that took Nene away look similar to things in No.6's boundary.

Tsukasa's hidden talent. A great artist & singer/musician.♡ (any hidden meanings behind this lyrics?) Kou with a bear at hand.. he looked funny

Oh, of course he isn't a "normal" thing. Also, hands off, how rude. You have a little sister yourself, do you go treating her this way? What a terrible behavior. Yeah, he is his brother. My god, imagine if Amane saw this terrible behavior of Kou while he is crying for Tsu to come back safely to him. Even if he was a 4 year old he may... get on Kou pretty hard. Hmm... he did hear him saying he wants to get revenge on Tsu and saw him... trying to harm him in hell of mirrors.. ooops... this boy is only adding red flags to his record. He should be careful. duh. Imagine someone threatening *your* little bother/yorishiro/most important thing/moon just like that. Not nice. Not nice.

????? ♡

Calm down, will you? Let your heroic words follow your heroic actions. Let actions come first, dear.

Please show him how it words, Karma-kun. ♡

Thank you. ♡ ~

Not that I hate you Kou, but you see... this whole Tsukasa deal of yours is getting way too boring and most importantly, complete nonsense.

This thing gets me confused. Too many clocks reminds me of No.1's deal with clocks... water is pouring out of the pipes but...? it looks like it's just frozen? as Kou says there is not water on the ground. We know the red house is not a boundary, and has its own time and space... but really.. what is it exactly?

The next thing with Kou and Tsu... is a bit wired... the questions Tsu asked... I want to ask him the first one actually because I'm totally confused on his *feelings* right now. The second one, no need. He did.

Of course, my dear! How can I resist this this amount of curtness? ♡

Clumsy sweetie! so lovely! ♡

Indeed. ♡ Tsu knows loooooots of stuff we don't. ♡ Soooo... of course he knows lots of stuff you don't. That's obvious. Tsu always feels like he is teaching Kou stuff in their interactions, haha.

Also... won't get tired of seeing the 2 Tsukasas together like this! It's so much fun. ♡ especially when one of them looks like a confused little kitten, while the other looks like this fully capable in charge cat. ♡

Hmm... maybe you should ask 'Tsu' to teach you how to hold a child in a proper way.

Hmm... this thing had always been a thing to make me go "man, Tsukasa and Nene are similar". I mean, it's the same hamster-merch in both things. The toy little Tsukasa got and the name of the movie Amane invited Nene to share the exact same name! Amane said he was going to watch that movie with Tsukasa… but Tsukasa doesn't like "movie theatres", so he invited Nene instead. I don't know if that's the case or not, since Tsukasa seems to get into the story in later events… but it seems that Amane catches this 'hamster' similarity between them… "they are into the same kind of thing". Maybe both of them are into 'hamsters', one likes them as a movie or to have them at home, while the other is into toys. Another thingggg... the name is really eye-catching! "Hamester Space Wars" .... "Hamster- Tsu + Nene / Space- Amane / Tsu / Wars.. the movie type, hehe" It's funny and sweet that Amane loves two who are similar in many cases so so so much. Now that I imagine it… maybe if the three did share a normal life together… let's imagine, I think Amane's heart won't be able to handle it… they are way too cute and lovely to him. His 2 lovely angels. ♡♡~

I wonder how did Tsu feel about this thing, did he find this Hanako who he question who is it a little ago 'familiar'? Looks like Amane in some way? and what is it with this thing in the twins' chest erea? did they share the red house/Sumire's village 'kami?' together at some point? maybe after Amane killed him? did it split in 2? we saw Tsukasa talking with it at that one time he said he is granting Mit's wish, I guess? how confusing.

Hmm... when you have a 4 year old kid teaching you stuff... instead of it being the opposite way. How fun. Teach us, Tsukasa-kun!!! ♡ he is always teaching Kou stuff whether as kid Tsu or older Tsu isn't he?x2

Awww... sweetie! ♡

first time I read this up until the end of the chapter I cried a lot, it felt like a cruel joke.

Ahh... still wondering if this thing will get referenced... maybe we will get back to it someday.....

Now, from Nene's experience in the place where Katakori and the sacrificed girls are, I wonder how it felt for Tsukasa the first time he got there and later on...? He seems to be a 'special case', not similar to the rest for some reason. also, as he knows a way to go in between there and the red house, I wonder if he used not to spend all his time in the red house and simply kept going back and forth between the 2 places. Tho, saying 2 places maybe is a bit wrong... since that place is connected to the red house. And finally, Nene-chan is back to Kou and Tsukasa, creating a little funny scene for me to enjoy. ~

big brain moment.

I care about this guy. Uh... I can say I'm really looking forward to see him back someday and learn more about him, he is pretty interesting. even little him in No.6's flashback is cute.

. . . As always, due to pic limits- a continuation will be added in a 'reblog'.

Random Stuff

So... giving this manga a really fast look... I want to read it thoughtfully again someday These little things stood out to me...

Hanako and keys....... please stop.. I can't take it. This little pose of his mocks me a bit. you want to know about my key so baaad?~ realllllly?~ just haaaang there.~ there seems to be a lock in there too? if that won't make me go even more crazy her brooch is also there. for some reason.

Everything as in... 'everything'? then how come you didn't know his future will change? or that it's different from what's in his book, even? his inference with supernatural stuff (the clock) while you call him 'normal' While this 'everything' is not so reliable for me at this point, I'm still interested to see you back at some point to tell us more about this 'everything'.

Never gets old. ~

I wonder how come Kou didn't tell Teru Hanako-san put a seal on his staff or how Teru supposedly didn't notice the seal on it with it right there in front of his own eyes many times until now. Did he see it's best if it stays sealed like that for Kou's sake, despite it being like a 'family treasure' to the Minamotos?

Talking about Teru looking after Kou...

He keeps a close eye on Kou, to the point when Kou skipped class, he was there to see about it...

but when Kou stayed after school to hang out with an 'evil spirit' as Teru calls it, got beaten by Tsukasa... he was nowhere to be found.... how come? it would be funny if he didn't ask about Kou's injury after he got home or if Kou was like: yeah.. I fell down. haha.

Hmm... Tsukasa is selfish? How come? Please... I'm crying in here and want him to think about HIMSELF more. Not too 'wise' of you miss, you should know better. Not to say... she is talking as if she doesn't put herself that category. The deepest part of that category. How funny.

I wonder juuuust a little why she would show some nice gestures from time to time with others...

like the mokke or even Mitsuba 2.0, while she goes around stating she doesn't care if all case to exist at the end.

Nene is not an exception. She even talked about her in person. In front of her- let's be friends/I don't want to harm you. Behind her back- I don't care for her, even if she doesn't want to keep going in destroying the Yorishiros, I won't give her a choice, then I don't care if she died out of it. .....................

Another thing... she seems to take Nene's hands in hers quite often... which kind of makes me wonder...

Nene didn't ever question her hands heat, or said they are cold or whatever. She appears in photos normally, even ... hmm... something about her is different from usual 'ghosts'. she is not a living, yet not a ghost... fine. who cares.

Ok, to cool off!

Ehhhh.... perfection.......

Let's keep going!

Hmm... doesn't this apply to ch 86? or... does a cheek kiss count? ...... or were they supposed to have it back then? after all... Hanako-kun really seemed to be about to do that, but was holding back I guess?

Hmm... really deep words. kinda reminds me of this...

Anyway... these...

Huh? You queen of luck. Won't say more.

forgetting about the whole -boy/girl- thing because I just feel it's misleading at this point... what do you mean sir?! ............. I'm just laughing, if anything, looking forward to see the lovers' suicide ............ this thing... when you don't want to see things in 'some way' but you're forced to, anyway. it's mocking.

Ok, now... p.p arc related little stuff

Defensive lovely Nene-chan!

This boy and keys... again... STOP!!!

T-T

Can perfectly see Tsukasa & Nene in here.~ But oh, we got a similar thing with them, hehe...

uhh... how lovely...

what a nice feeling...

Then do a thing about him, instead of just threatening little him then crying later because of how 'helpless' you are. Prove your attitude to me, Kou-kun. Not with words, tho. I'm already sick of that.

Still feeling bad Tsu was left out from all this fun!!! Ahhh!!! He would love to be a part of this!! WON'T HE?! That wasn't fair!!! WHY wasn't Tsukasa asked to come join in this, huh?! At some point Amane-kun can say "I had these tickets to go watch a movie with my lil bro but he doesn't like theaters, so would you come with me, Yashiro-san?" then "we need students to volunteer to clean the pool, I asked Minamoto 'Yashiro-san' even Mitsuba 2.0 is there! and we still need more participators" THEN GO TO YOUR SUPPOSED -THE CLASS NEXT DOOR- TWIN"!!!!!! UHHHGGG!!! This thing makes me angry!! I get maybe we weren't supposed to see Tsukasa with others too much back then, or even the twins together too much.. but like... that's not fair....... let the boy have some fun!!!

................... ok... enough of that........... didn't expect I will talk this much about it.......

Oh... some deep words, again....

At times I really wonder... If Tsukasa had some other goals out of letting our guys in this perfect pic world, beside that obvious 'grant M 2.0 wish' one destroy No.4's yorishiro... maybe he wanted them to get what kind of reality they actually live in, see how they would react.. will they still want it? reject it? try to change it? Hanako-kun is a special case, isn't he? I think maybeee... to Tsu... this was also a push for Hanako-kun into the right direction! get him to open his eyes to some of his hidden desired and actually.. at some point.. voice some of them out!

In addition to everything, maybe he said that influenced by their p.p arc experience. Tsu even got Nene-chan to lean some cool lessons in the little experience/the wish of No.4 thingy. How cool of him.

I don't know how to put this thing... but all I will just say is that Tsukasa maybe was after hitting too many birds with one stone out of the p.p thing. He must be proud of his work at this point. Lots was achieved in that arc, especially on the HanaNene side and MK, which also seem to Tsu's interest kind of. This boy... a true mastermind, have to say. looking at 12 y.o Tsu... am I surprised? not at all.

That being said, let's welcome our cute little mastermind kitty-boy!~ no matter how much time passes, I'm so in love with this whole scene.

So, yeah... I really do sympathize with Amane-kun in here. I mean... his little brother is soooo irresistible~ let's admire him together, Amane-kun!!!

yessss, just like this! . . .

Due to pic limits, some more stuff will be added in a 'reblog'.

[redgillan]

Under Pastel Skies - 10

Sugar daddy!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Modern!AU Bucky doesn’t need anyone, especially not a sugar baby. He isn’t that desperate… but she smiles so sweetly and she’s endearingly awkward, and he’s so lonely. She’s an artist, a painter, the type of person who always puts others before herself. Throwing caution to the wind Bucky offers her a place to live, a place where she can finally paint whatever her heart desires. He doesn’t need much in return; a friend, a muse.

Word Count: 6,179

Warnings: nothing new

A/N: Hey it’s me, daddy! ...well apparently. I really gotta take a chill pill... these chapters are getting way too long. But anyway, I hope you enjoy it, my babies are soft and sensitive :’) Thank you for reading, I truly appreciate it!

Wannabe sugar daddies don’t interact, idc if you have money, eat it and leave me be.

You looked around the bar while you sipped your drink, a 12 dollar grapefruit juice and club soda cocktail. There weren’t many people at one in the afternoon, mostly suits and wealthy tourists, though you half expected to find Natasha hiding in the back with a hat, a large pair of sunglasses and an unfolded newspaper.

From the rug to the chairs and armchairs, everything was either black or white. You ran your index finger over the intricate calligraphy on the back of your chair. It was a number: 5.

Turning back around, you glanced at the clock and mentally cursed yourself for always being so early. You hated being late, and arriving less than ten minutes early counted as late in your book. You were nervous to see Wanda after all this time.

You hadn’t been expecting her to stay at a hotel on the Upper East Side. You wondered how she could afford it, but decided it was none of your business.

“I had a feeling you’d be here already.” That familiar voice brought back fond childhood memories and other not so pleasant memories. “You’re always early.”

You didn’t move a muscle as Wanda took a seat next to you, number 6. She signalled the bartender and ordered a latte. Meanwhile you played with your straw, trying to subtly steal a glance at her.

“What did you do to your hair?” you asked with a grimace, turning your body toward her.

Without looking at you, she raised her brows in mild exasperation. “I dyed it.”

“It’s orange.”

“Okay,” she sighed. “I get it. You’re angry with me.”

“Oh,” you drawled out. “I’m well past angry. I was angry four years ago, now I just don’t care anymore.”

“You don’t care about me anymore?”

“No, and it’s not like you cared about me, or Scott, or Okoye.” You paused. “Or mom.”

Wanda had a shocked look on her face as she finally met your eyes. “That’s low. You have no idea-”

“No, you have no idea what it was like to live in that house after you all left. You have absolutely no idea,” you said, enunciating each word between your teeth, “because you weren’t there, because you left us –you left me. Six years, Wanda.”

She looked away and you saw her bottom lip quiver. She clenched her jaw and took a small sip of her latte. You instantly felt bad for snapping at her. You didn’t like confrontation. Hated arguing. You internalized. It was difficult for you to acknowledge that you had a right to express your feelings.

“I, uh,” Wanda said, then cleared her throat. “I knew you weren’t going to welcome me with open arms, and I know what I did was wrong, but I’d like us to be a family again. If it’s not too late.”

“It’s not too late,” you said with a small sigh. “But I’m not going to instantly forgive you just because you’re back.”

“I know.”

“What made you come back?”

She fiddled with her fingers in her lap and you noticed the ring on her fourth finger. It was a beautiful vintage-inspired ring made of black rhodium with an ornate cadenza halo in the centre.

A terrible thought occurred to you, making your stomach twist painfully. You didn’t know her at all. Not anymore. You had missed so much of your sister’s life. Or more accurately; she had cut you out of her life, and it was painful.

“I went to London,” Wanda said, unaware of your inner turmoil. “I saw Uncle Michael. He asked me if I was here to see mom, and I said, ‘No, mom’s in New York.’ And then he told me-” she tilted her head to look at you “-he told me mom was sick, that you and Okoye put her in a nursing home not far from his apartment. I didn’t believe him, so he took me to mom and she-” She paused, staring straight ahead as if she was caught in the memory

“She looked at you like she didn’t know you,” you said, knowing exactly where the story was going because it had happened to you too.

“Yeah,” Wanda breathed out, tears in her eyes. “I never felt so alone. They told her I was her daughter, but she didn’t recognize me. She kept asking Uncle Michael who I was, then she got mad because she was adamant she never had children.”

“I know,” you said sympathetically.

“I wanted to see you and apologize for not being the sister you deserve. For not being here when you needed me most.”

“Where were you all this time?” you asked, practically begged for an answer.

Her shoulders tensed and she straightened up in her seat. “Just travelling.”

“I know, I got your postcards.” You nodded toward the engagement ring on her finger. “I guess I should say congratulations.”

“Mhh,” she said running the pad of her thumb over the diamond. “It’s funny I never thought I’d fall in love and get married. I don’t need a man in my life to make me feel whole. Mom raised us alone, we’re independent and strong.” A small smile graced her lips. “But I found someone sweet and charming, someone who makes me feel safe and calm.”

“Are you writing your vows?”

“Har har,” she deadpanned, rolling her eyes, a faint smile on her lips. You’d missed her, missed your banter. “You haven’t changed.”

“If you say so,” you said in a sombre voice. You looked at the clock above the bar. “Listen, I have to go but I’m happy you found someone. I’d like to meet him one day. I bet he doesn’t know about your Baby Spice phase.”

You jumped off the bar stool and picked up your jacket. Wanda turned in her seat, catching your wrist as you looped your purse over your shoulder.

“Can you stay a little longer?” she asked, looking at you with pleading eyes. “Just a minute.”

“Okay.”

She let go of your wrist. “Scott’s been released last month. I talked to him on the phone and asked him to fly to New York. He should be here tomorrow. I also talked to Okoye, I asked her to come here. We have things to discuss. I know things will never be the same, not after Pietro, not after mom, but we can try. We’re still a family.”

“Great,” you replied. Your word came out with more force than you had intended, but you didn’t apologize. They were all coming back for Wanda but when your mother needed help, you were all alone.

“Yeah,” Wanda whispered, her eyes cast down. “I was thinking we could all meet up for dinner. Okoye’s bringing her boyfriend so if you... if you have a partner-”

“I’m single.”

“Oh, uh, you can bring Natasha if you want.”

“No, thanks.” You reached into your purse and pulled out one of your business cards. “Text me, okay? I really gotta go.”

She smiled as she read your card. “You’re an artist? Splotchy, I’m so proud of you!”

That damn nickname... “I still haven't found a gallery. Not many people want to represent an unknown artist but I’m not giving up.”

“You never give up,” Wanda said with a gentle smile. “That’s why I love you.”

You took a cab to Natasha’s apartment. It had been three weeks since Sam moved to D.C., and Nat was having a hard time finding a job in her field.

She didn’t want to find another sugar daddy. It seemed ridiculous since she was still carrying a massive torch for Sam. She had saved enough money to live on until she could find a job and a new place to live.

“I’m officially done,” she grumbled in lieu of a greeting. “Job hunting sucks. New York sucks. Life sucks.”

“Pretty bold statement.”

You entered the apartment and plopped down next to her on the sofa. With a groan, she wrestled out of her blouse and threw it on the floor, leaving her in a simple white spaghetti-strap shirt and a pair of black trousers.

“I hate wearing a suit.”

“You look good in them.”

“I know,” she cried out. “I hate wearing suits when it’s all for nothing. I’m not the boss, I’m no one. Just another doofus with a college degree standing here like-” she cupped her hands together, as if she was holding a bowl, and looked at you with a pout. “Please, sir, I want some more.”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t get the job,” you said, biting back a laugh. “I would hire you for that spot on Oliver Twist impression.”

She laughed. “I think I lost my fire. People used to be scared of me. Remember? I miss that.”

“You’re a psycho,” you snorted, using her shoulder as a pillow. “If it’s any consolation, Bucky’s terrified of you.”

“Good.”

“Hey!”

She pressed her cheek against the top of your head and sighed. You stayed in that position for a few more seconds before you told Natasha what had happened with Wanda. She offered to go with you to your family gathering but you insisted you wanted to go alone.

“I gotta go,” you said. “Bucky’s taking me to dinner.”

“Oh,” she cooed, “is he finally going to propose?”

“That’s very funny,” you deadpanned. “I was starting to feel cooped up in our apartment so we decided to go out. Have fun, y’know.”

“Our apartment,” Natasha repeated with a lopsided smirk before she burst into a fit of giggles.

“Whatever,” you grumbled, embarrassed.

“That’s cute.” She pinched your cheek and you batted her hand away. “You should talk to him.”

“Don’t start.”

“What? I’m just saying-”

“Natasha,” you cut her off. “Stop asking me to talk to him. It’s not going to happen, and it’s giving me so much anxiety. You couldn’t talk to Sam, what makes you think I can talk to Bucky?”

She looked at you for a long moment. “I know you love him.”

You pressed your lips into a thin line, considering. You had never really been in love before but falling in love with Bucky had been so easy. And it was particularly scary because you had never been in a relationship, only flings.

“I do,” you admitted quietly. Saying it out loud was both freeing and terrifying.

“Don’t lose him.”

You knew Natasha missed Sam, she’d told you about it, but she wasn’t the kind of woman who let others see her pain. She confided in you and her friend, Clint, but other than that she rarely shared her problems with others.

Her bony shoulder was digging uncomfortably into your cheek so you shifted and let your head rest against her chest. She started playing with your hair. “Have you heard from Sam?”

“Not since he left,” she replied, then glanced down at you. “Have you?”

She tried to sound casual so you played along and acted like you couldn’t hear her heart jackhammering in her chest. “He called the landline the other day. Bucky wasn’t home so I answered.”

“The landline?” Natasha repeated with a scoff. “Your husband is old.”

“He asked if you were okay,” you said, choosing to ignore her comment. “You should call him.”

She stayed quiet for so long, you began to worry. You tilted your head to look at her, she had a faraway look in her eyes. You didn’t want to break her trance but she was starting to scare you.

You booped her chin and almost immediately a soft smile touched her lips. She cleared her throat, then checked her watch.

“You should go, you’re going to be late.”

“It’s okay,” you said. You couldn’t leave, not when she looked so sad. You knew Bucky would understand. “We can order some pizza, binge watch something on Netflix and go out for ice cream later. Like we used to.”

She laughed softly. “That sounds amazing. I kinda want to be alone tonight though, and Bucky’s waiting for you. I’m fine, I promise.” She looked down at you with a kind smile. “Rain check?”    

“Absolutely.”

With a heavy heart, you left Natasha and started walking to the restaurant. The clouds above you were low and dark, masking the setting sun. You smiled, remembering the day you and Bucky went to the park.

You had wanted to go paint outside but you got caught in a rainstorm on the way home. As rain poured down on the both of you, you caught Bucky’s hand and tried to run to the nearest subway entrance but he didn’t budge.

He stayed in the middle of the street, still holding your hand, and grinned at you while people rushed around you. His hair was plastered to his head, little rivulets of water running down his nose. He smiled at you, bright and playful, and you almost melted on the spot.

What’s the rush, sweet angel?

When you got home, you both changed into dry clothes and sat in front of the fireplace with a bowl of soup. He looked adorable with his slightly damp hair, a few big curls flopping down onto his forehead. When you started sneezing, he adjusted the blanket around you.

The next day, you felt a little feverish and Bucky took care of you. He pressed his lips to your forehead, checking your temperature. Your mother used to do that too. You doubted the accuracy of that little test but you couldn’t care less. It felt incredibly comforting. They should teach it in med school.

Bucky was waiting for you in front of the restaurant. The weather was warmer now, and you were pleased to see that his maroon bomber jacket was back. It was a rerun of the night you had met him.

“Hey you,” he said, dropping a quick kiss on your cheek. “How did it go with Wanda?”

“Good, I guess. It could have been way worse.” You paused to look at him. “You okay? You look a little nervous. We don’t have to-”

“I’m okay,” he chuckled, smoothing his hand down his jacket, lightly patting his pocket. “Shall we?”

You cocked an eyebrow at him. “Promise me you’re not over-exerting yourself again.”

He stood in front of you, smiling kindly. “I promise.”

It had been a while since he had a panic attack, but they were always impressive and you couldn’t stand the thought of him trapped in his own mind, battling his demons alone.

You must have been silent too long because Bucky cupped the side of your face and said, “Thank you for taking care of me, angel. But I promise you, I’m fine. So what do you say? Wanna have dinner with me?”

You playfully rolled your eyes at him as he flashed you a cocky grin.

The restaurant was a quaint little place in Midtown with curved black leather booths lining the walls and simple cutlery. There were books everywhere, arranged neatly on the shelves along the walls. The place was well-lit, yet still cosy and calm.

Despite the hour, the restaurant wasn’t crowded. There was a couple, probably in their sixties, enjoying their meals together. Several people were eating alone, a book opened next to their plate, and a few others were browsing the shelves looking for something to read.

While you ate, you filled Bucky in on your conversation with Wanda. He didn’t interrupt you, he listened to you ramble on about how much you didn’t want to go to her reunion dinner.

“You can invite them over for dinner,” he said. You almost choked on your food. “Call me crazy but I think you’d feel more at ease if you were in a familiar environment.”

He had a point. You had no idea what that night had in store for you, and you definitely didn’t want to cause a scene in a restaurant. You weren’t one for airing your dirty laundry in public.

“I know that our... um, friendship is a little unconventional but I’d like to meet them.”

“Really? Wait,” you said, spotting a bit of tomato sauce on his chin. “You have something on your chin.” You reached over and used your napkin to wipe it away. “You eat like a wolf.”

“Mhh thanks.” He swallowed his mouthful of pasta and washed it down with a gulp of water. “To be honest with you, I’m a sucker for family reunions. I love watching people’s faces when they see someone they haven’t seen in a very long time.”

“I’m not sure it’ll be a happy one.”

“Well, then you could probably use some moral support,” he said. “And I’m curious if they ever gave you a silly nickname. Or maybe they’ll share some funny anecdotes.”

You stopped mid-bite and swallowed quickly, your eyes widening in fear. You couldn’t let that happen, Scott and Okoye would jump at the chance to tease you. “Oh, no, no, no! You are never meeting them.”

He laughed. “I bet you were a cute kid. I imagine you in some paint-stained overalls, hula hooping through the 90s, listening to the Spice Girls and watching Saturday morning cartoons with a bowl of cereal or a plate of pancakes.”

“You’re not too far off.” You grinned.

“You don’t have to make a decision right now,” he said in a more serious tone. “But think about it, okay?”

Inviting your siblings and their partners over for dinner was a bad idea. You could already picture their faces upon seeing Bucky. It would turn into an interrogation, and it would be absolutely unbearable.

But then again, you didn’t think you could endure the reunion without him.

The waiter came over to collect your dirty plates and asked if there would be anything else. He recited the dessert specialties and you ordered something that sounded both extravagant and mouth-watering.

“I have something for you,” Bucky broke the silence between you.

You responded with a curious yet playful frown and a tilt of your head. He glanced down at the table for a second as he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a slim jewellery box.

He placed it on the table next to his glass and let his fingertips linger on the lid, caressing it slowly as he hesitated. Then with a smooth flick of his wrist, he slid the box across the table. Your eyes flickered between the box and Bucky’s worried expression.

Inside the box, nestled in cream velvet, was a gold artist’s palette pendant with a delicate chain. The pendant had two paint brushes sticking out of the palette and four tiny stones representing the colours waiting to be mixed; ruby, sapphire, emerald and topaz.

It was incredibly tiny, about the length of two staples, but it made the details even more impressive. You could tell it was an old piece. There were light signs of wear and the design reminded you of the 1930s. It looked full of stories from previous owners. A testimony of love, passion and devotion.

“Oh,” you gasped as if all the air had been punched out of you. Bucky straightened up and jerked forward in his seat, his eyes round with anticipation. “Oh,” you repeated dumbly, at a loss for words.

“I saw it in the window of an antique shop on the way here,” he said.

That was a lie.

He had spent weeks searching for the perfect charm. He had a very specific idea of what he wanted to buy. Until one day, he found it. It reminded him of you; delicate, discreet, irreplaceable.

“Bucky,” you sighed, spellbound. “It’s... it’s beautiful.”

“It reminded me of you.” He met your eyes, smiled, and extended his hand in your direction. “Can I?”

Without hesitation you removed the necklace from its box and gave it to Bucky. After living with him for about six months, you knew there was nothing he couldn’t do. Even fasten your necklace with one hand.

He stood up and rounded the table, sitting next to you on the booth. You turned, giving him your back as he slipped the necklace around your neck. You held the pendant in the little dip between your collarbones at the base of your throat and let the ends of the chain dangle down your back.

“I noticed you haven’t been painting a lot since-” Bucky trailed off. Since you had a meltdown in your studio, since you realized your art was not good enough. Since you realized your dreams were too big to accomplish.

You looked over your shoulder and watched him fumble with the spring ring clasp. You couldn’t see what he was doing but he seemed entirely focused on the task at hand.

“Inspiration is a fickle thing, it comes and goes,” he continued. “I worry about you. You put too much pressure on yourself visiting galleries and trying to match their vision. I want you to remember who you are. You’re an artist. Never doubt yourself or your skills.”

He secured the chain around your neck and adjusted the necklace so that the little palette fell nicely above the neckline of your sweater. You stared at him wide eyed and amazed, and he smiled tenderly at you.

“Thank you,” you said quietly. “I’ll never take it off.”

“My pleasure, angel.”

“I really love it but it’s too much,” you said as he returned to his seat. “I don’t want you to think I’m after your money. I’m so grateful for your help, you do so much for me already.”

“I know you’re not after my money, but it’s mine and I’ll spend it as I please. I know you like gifts with meaning. And all I want is to make you happy.”

“You want to make me happy?” you asked, dumbfounded.

“Of course, I do.”

It was a foreign concept to you, you could hardly comprehend it. He wasn’t your childhood best friend, he wasn’t your brother or your mother’s brother, and yet he wanted to be the one who put a smile on your face.

You weren’t used to random acts of kindness. You spent most of your life taking care of others, making sure they had everything they needed, you forgot what it was like to feel loved.

And it all became so much clearer.

You knew in your heart that your feelings for Bucky weren’t one sided. Not when he looked at you like that. Not when he touched you like you were the most precious thing in the world.

There was a mutual, yet silent, understanding between you. This is good. Let’s not make things complicated. Even though we both want to.  And you abided by that unspoken rule, not wanting to make things more complicated.

Your eyes were overflowing with tears. When a tear escaped, you felt it bounce on your cheekbone before it landed near your pendant. You rolled your eyes at yourself and smiled.

“Why am I always crying?” you said, laughing a little. “I’m not sad, I swear. These are happy tears.” Bucky’s smile was calm and sure. “Wait, I’m just gonna-” you trailed off, wiping the back of your hand under your nose with an embarrassed laugh.

“You’re beautiful.”

You lay in bed that night, replaying those three words in your head until you fell asleep.

It took you a couple of days to come to term with the realization that your feelings weren’t one sided. A little voice in your head tried to protect your heart, it said: Don’t get your hopes up. Remember what happened last time.

But that voice was quiet, almost too quiet to hear.

Against your better judgement, you agreed to invite your siblings over for dinner. All you had to do was call Wanda’s hotel and ask the hotel staff to pass along a message. Easy-peasy.

Well, in theory, because it turned out to be stressed depressed lemon zest.

There were things Bucky didn’t know about you and your family, things that you had intentionally kept from him. One of these things was your brother’s criminal record.

Bucky had asked you a few times what Scott did for a living and you always gave him the same rehearsed answer. “Scott has a master’s degree in electrical engineering but he’s between jobs at the moment.” It wasn’t a total lie but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

You finally decided to tell him everything.

Scott was a thief. Before Cassie was born, and thanks to his computer skills, he used to steal from criminals and give back to those they had stolen from. He promised his wife, Maggie, that he would stop after Cassie’s birth.

He took up a job at VistaCorp but noticed that the company was overcharging their customers. Thinking that it was a coding error, he fixed it before his boss, Geoff Zorick, ordered him to change it back. It made him realize that the company was intentionally overcharging their customers.

He was fired soon after. Maggie begged him not to get involved, she begged him to think of his family but Scott didn’t listen. He broke into the company’s headquarters, hacked their system and redistributed the stolen money. Then he broke into Zorick’s house, stole a bunch of stuff and drove Zorick’s car into the pool.

He got five years.

Bucky was a little shocked but he took these new revelations well.

“People make mistakes,” he said. “He paid for his mistake, and not seeing his little girl for five years is punishment enough.” He bumped his shoulder against yours and grinned. “He sounds like a chaotic Robin Hood. I can’t wait to meet him.”

You chuckled. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

“Nope.”

“So... you’re not going to hide your valuables in a closet somewhere?”

“I would but I’m not sure you’d like to be stuck in the closet all night.” You rolled your eyes and huffed, thinking he wasn’t taking you seriously. He laughed quietly. “The only valuable thing I own is the bookmark my niece made for me, everything else is meaningless. And I don’t judge people on their worst mistakes.”

“You sound like Natasha,” you chuckled lowly. “But I’m glad you think that way.”

“That being said, they have a lot of apologizing and making up to do. They left you all alone. It isn’t right.”

You squirmed in your seat. “Argh, I don’t know. It’s in the past now, I don’t want to dwell on it. We were all miserable back then, and I’m not exactly blameless here.”

Bucky gave you a puzzled look. “You took care of your mom when she was sick, you sold your childhood home. You found your mom a nursing home where she gets the best treatment possible. You put your dreams on hold to pay her hospital bills. You did everything you could.”

“No, that’s not true,” you replied, biting your bottom lip.

You tried to find the courage to say it out loud. It was something that ate away at your soul. Your biggest mistake.

“I should have known something was wrong with her,” you said, rushing the words out. “At first she started misplacing things like her car keys, her glasses or the remote. She always had a good excuse, like was tired or stressed, but I should have known.”

“I misplace my keys all the time, angel. Sometimes it doesn’t mean anything. You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“She’s my mom, I’ve known her all my life. I should have noticed something was wrong. If I had, maybe she’d still be with us, living in our old house.”

“C’mere,” he said, extending his arm toward you. You didn’t hesitate, you abandoned your seat on the sofa and wrapped your arms around him, your face buried in his chest. “I understand why you feel that way,” he said, stroking your hair. “But you did everything you could. You didn’t fail her. Alzheimer is... well it’s a sneaky disease. There are a lot of things we don’t understand. It’s unfair to blame yourself for something completely out of your control.”

“Maybe,” you mumbled, your voice muffled against his shirt. “But it still hurts.”

“I know,” he cooed, his fingernails grazing your scalp. “I know, my angel.”

You stayed like that for some time, your cheek pressed against his shirt. You focused on the calm rhythm of his breathing and tried to match it. He gently ran his fingers up and down your back, calming you almost instantly.

You were terrified to see your siblings again. Despite Bucky’s reassuring words, a part of you still believed that you could have done more to help your mom, and you were afraid your siblings would feel the same.

“It’s going to be okay,” Bucky said, seemingly reading your thoughts. “I won’t let them belittle your efforts.”

The next day, you called Wanda’s hotel and left a message with the receptionist. Wanda called you back a few hours later, saying that she would love to have dinner at your place instead of going out.

She sounded surprised, and you could tell she had a lot of questions, but she knew she wasn’t in your good graces yet so she simply told you that she couldn’t wait to see your apartment and spend the evening with you.

Meanwhile Bucky was having some sort of nervous breakdown.

A few days before the party, he started to obsessively clean his apartment. Every single room had that distinctive lemony scent, his homemade disinfectant, except your room. It was still a line he refused to cross no matter how strong the urge might be.

He often had those spells but they usually didn’t last more than a few hours. You could see the tears in his eyes and the disgust on his face; grimaces that had been triggered by the realization that he still couldn’t control his need to constantly clean and tidy. His OCD had been dormant, not gone.

You knew it was hard for him to meet new people. He had offered to invite your siblings because he knew it would make you feel more at ease. He didn’t care about his own needs. This man was willing to endure anything for you. How could you not fall in love with him?

You let him clean. You knew from past experience that it wasn’t something he could control and getting involved usually did more harm than good. You made sure he knew you were there and that you were not judging him in any way.

He felt so physically and emotionally drained afterwards that you simply held him in your arms until he fell asleep.

On the day of the party, you were chopping dried apricots in the kitchen while Bucky was making sure the chicken pieces weren’t sticking to the bottom of the pan.

You had wanted to order dinner from the restaurant down the street, and Bucky wanted to cook. You told him that cooking a meal for seven people was pretty stressful but he simply shrugged.

“I can do it, angel.”

“I know but you don’t have to do it.”

“Yeah, I do,” he replied with a sad smile.

You remembered him telling you that his ex-girlfriend often babied him in front of her friends and that it always made him feel weak and pathetic. He wanted to prove himself. He wanted to prove that, even with only one arm, he was able to cook a meal for an entire family.

“Okay, fine,” you reluctantly agreed. “But you’re not doing this alone.” He opened his mouth to protest but you raised your hand and touched a finger to his lips. “You can’t change my mind. I’ll be your sous-chef, and that’s final.”

So you ended up cutting vegetables for him. He made two tagines, one with meat and one with vegetables, in case anyone had any allergies or dietary restrictions.

Once the kitchen was spotless, you both went to your rooms to get ready for the night. It didn’t take you long so you checked on the tagines and waited for Bucky. The smell of harissa and coriander wrapped around you like a comforting hug.

You stole a dinner roll and checked the time on your phone. Nearly seven. A wave of anxiety rolled through the pit of your stomach. You took a deep, calming breath and decided to go check on Bucky.

As you reached the top of the stairs, you heard a deep, frustrated groan followed by a whine. Stifling a giggle, you tiptoed down the hallway towards his bathroom.

“C’mon, stay put or I’ll cut you!”

“Do you often threaten your hair?” you asked, leaning against the door frame. He gasped and jerked away from the sink. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Is everything okay?”

“I can’t do anything with my hair,” he complained. “I’m this close to shave the whole damn thing.”

You pushed yourself off the door frame and moved toward him. “Mhh, why not. A buzz-cut would make you look super dangerous.”

“You think so?” he frowned.

“Yeah,” you replied enthusiastically as you perched yourself on the counter by the sink. “A buzz-cut and a beard. Now that’s a look.”

He ran his hand over the dark stubble on his cheeks. “I already have the beard.”

“You’re halfway there.” You watched him consider what you were offering. “You know what, never mind. Your hair is too pretty to cut.”

“I should cut it though. It’s getting too long, I can’t style it.”

“Oh, poor you with your thick, fluffy hair,” you teased.

“It’s a gift, and also a curse,” he sighed with a whimsical grimace.

You laughed. “Come here, I’ll help you tame the monster on your head.”

He chuckled as he stepped between your parted legs. You took the hair dryer and a comb from the counter and started working on his hair. Despite its messy appearance, the comb ran smoothly through the strands.

“I think we need a safe word tonight,” you said while you worked.

“A safe word?” he repeated, confused. “Why would we need one?”

“Just in case,” you replied with a shrug. “I love my siblings but they can be quite a handful. So if you’re tired or if you feel overwhelmed, you just say the word and I’ll politely ask them to leave.”

“All right. Same goes for you.” He made a face. “What’s the safe word?”

“I don’t know,” you said, your eyes focused on his hair. “Flamingo?” You pulled back to look at him. “I saw an amazing documentary about baby flamingos the other day. See? It works.”

“Okay, okay,” he said, laughing. “Flamingo it is.”

You picked up his hair gel and applied some to his hair.

“There you go,” you said, smoothing the hair over his temples before sliding your fingers down the sculpted curve of his cheekbones. “Ready to break some hearts.”

It was a joke, but your voice came out breathy and small. Bucky didn’t say a word. He pressed himself closer to you, and you resisted the urge to wrap your legs around him.

He rested his hand on your thigh, then slid it from your thigh to your waist and lingered there for a few seconds. He gazed into your eyes for a moment; careful, cautious. You cupped his face between your hands, feeling the bristle on his cheeks against your palms. It was rough against your sensitive skin.

He slid his hand up your side, fingers passing over your ribs, and you let out a gasping sigh as he rested his hand over your heart.

“Did I break your heart, sweetheart?” he asked, his voice low.

“Just cracked.”

He cupped the back of your neck and massaged lightly while he looked at you longingly. He continued to stare at you as you moved your hands to his chest, feeling the strong thud of his heart beneath your palm.

“I-uh,” he started, then licked his lips. “Angel, I-”

The intercom buzzed loudly, awakening the two of you from your trance. Bucky took a step back and closed his eyes. You were glad you were sitting, because your legs felt unusually weak.

“You ready?” he asked, breathless.

You didn’t trust yourself to speak, so you nodded.

You followed Bucky to the kitchen and answered the intercom, giving Wanda the apartment number. Bucky busied himself setting the table, unable to look you in the eye. You didn’t know what to say.

Finally, he stopped moving around and faced you.

“Who am I tonight? Who do you want me to be?”

You had anticipated his question. After all it was a legitimate question to ask giving the nature of your relationship.

“Just you,” you told him. You were tired of lies and half-truths.

A knock at the door startled you.

You opened the door, your hands shaking uncontrollably. You couldn’t help but gasp at the sight of Wanda, Okoye and Scott standing in front of you, each with a bottle of wine. There were two men behind them, both looking extremely uncomfortable.

“Hey Splotchy, long time no see, right?”

Part 11

[snowlily95]

Aerith in light of healthcare provider

So, I've wanted to write an analysis about Aerith in light of her medical viewpoint for quite a long time but only recently got the chance to complete it. It is well known in the game that Aerith is the healer of the story. She possesses a great MP with a limit break to heal and buff people which greatly affects your gameplay. Of course, you can equip others with Healing and Prayer materias to render them useful for healing as well. But story-wise, no one can take away Aerith's status as the healer. We know in canon that Aerith provided herbs to the Sector 5 slums doctor to create medicine. And if you finished the Corneo Stash side quest in Chapter 14, you can return to the church and see a couple of elderly sitting on the pew praying. And when you come closer to them you'll hear them talking about how they didn't see Aerith around and they're sure she's alright and probably be around healing people. You know, since the Sector 7 plate just fell. (Even though Aerith is not alright actually coz she was kidnapped by Shinra by this time) Point is, we are fed by the NPCs on how much Aerith had helped around as a healer. She had been doing this for years.

While being in denial about who she actually is, being a healer had always been implanted in her. She is used to it. When you're used to being a healer, there's a certain level when you have a different reaction compared to others. The way you think is different. Apart from that, she's also a Cetra. And we knew for a fact Cetra had a certain affinity towards souls who are returning to the Planet. Meaning, as much as she is used to healing others, she's also used to sensing death.

My whole point is that being a Cardiac Anaesthesiologist and Intensivist as I am, I can totally relate my position with Aerith, as we both have constantly helped people and encounter death on daily basis. While I'm pretty confident that the majority of these might be coincidences (because I'm pretty sure there are no doctors in the SE team), I thought the coincidences are pretty cool to ponder upon and I'm amazed at how the subtle differences between Aerith's reaction to events from other characters.

I'm gonna ignore the meta part of Aerith, mainly because I'm not discussing how much Aerith knew, and if there was anything in jeopardy of what she knew whatsoever. So we're gonna focus on the fact that she is used to healing and feeling people's death. People who are used to death on daily basis had a certain unique view on life and death. And that affects how we act upon facing them too. While this is evident throughout Remake, I'm gonna focus on the plate drop event to be more concise. I will also use Tifa as a comparison to make it easier to see the difference between the reaction of the two. Let’s start!

1) Aerith is quick in emergency situations.

When you are used to people dying, you developed a certain immunity and you are able to have a sound mind and composure at the sudden change of event. As healthcare providers, we face stable situations turning into critical real fast. And we have a switch in our minds that turns us from standby mode to rescue mode. This is exactly what happened to Aerith when Don Corneo revealed Shinra's plan to blow up Sector 7's support pillar. Tifa is part of Sector 7. It is her home. Which is why her reaction showed how she was super devastated, she slowly stood up and muttered "They wouldn't..." because she couldn't believe it. Aerith? She had that switch in her mind, and she immediately turned and say "Come on, guys! We gotta go!". She switched into that critical mode in a second. It helps that she's also not personally connected to Sector 7, and thus her judgment was not as impaired. Of course, they both switched into the critical mode in the sewer, but it was at the moment of revelation that made it different. Just like how healthcare providers switched at the moment of revelation that their patients are at the brink of death—you immediately jumped into rescue mode.

2) She plans for the worst.

Remember after they defeated Abzu and Tifa started to question Corneo's information? She didn't want to believe it, because it didn't make sense to destroy your years of efforts building the plate just to get back to a small group like AVALANCHE. Think about the money they put in to build it, they're gonna have to put them all again. In fact, along their way out of the sewer, Tifa voiced out multiple times how this had been bothering her. But I'm intrigued with Aerith's reply "If he's telling the truth, then we should go. And if it turns out he was lying, then so what?". This here is exactly what doctors do. We plan and prepare for the worst. And if the worst didn't happen, then so what? If you ever had life-saving surgery, your doctors would tell you "You need this surgery coz you might die. But if you do the surgery, there's a high chance you'll survive, but there's a small chance you'll die too". And we prepare for that small chance that our patients die. No, we don't let our preparations lacking because we hope they'll survive. We prepare for the worst outcome possible and get all the equipment ready in case they'll die. If they didn't, then so what? It doesn't mean our preparations were futile efforts. It only means we were prepared. And that line of Aerith seriously hits home to me.

3) She hopes for the best.

Before they crossed the water sewer, Tifa once again voiced out how she couldn't stop thinking about what Corneo said, and she was still hoping that he was lying. And then Aerith said, "The future isn't set in stone". (Again, I'm gonna ignore the meta part of Aerith) And then she proceeded to set up that small date with Tifa. Believe it or not, this is actually what we do during bad calls. We'd talk about what we would do after all this ends; we'd go out dining, or playing games/darts, or go drinking, or whatever it is that makes us happy. Just to keep our minds calm and to allow us to hope for the future, even if it's just a few hours away. It gives us hope and courage to go on. We plan for the worst, but we hope for the best. The more critical the situation is, the more you need to be level-headed. And needless to say, after this point onwards, Tifa is much more calmed down from her struggle to keep herself focus.

4) She follows orders.

This might sound weird to some, but the ability to cast away your worry and focus on what you can do, instead of what you should do, is important in emergency situations. You need to know what you don't know. You don't get in the way of your comrades. If you're not good at intubating, you don't insist to intubate in emergency situations just because you wanna help. Seriously, you'll just make things worse. When Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith were attacked before climbing up and out of the sewer, Cloud asked both Tifa and Aerith to keep going. Aerith immediately answers "Okay" and left—without a single but. This is significant because it shows that Aerith knew she'd be better off leaving. She doesn't need to offer help, coz her help was not needed. This is not the place where she could help. The ability to recognize this is very important for healthcare professionals. Tifa was a bit more reluctant to leave, but that's probably because she is a martial artist in-game. Also, the fact that Aerith could still joke "We're not delicious" is just so real lol! Yup, we joke sometimes when we're facing deaths—doesn't mean we lose focus in saving the dying person in front of us, don't worry. And then it happens again when they reached Sector 7 when Cloud asked them to stay with Wedge as he goes up, Aerith immediately answered "sure"—because she can "patch" Wedge up, it's where her abilities lie. This is even more accentuated when an injured Wedge argued that he can still fight when he clearly can't—making this point even more obvious. Aerith is someone with a healthcare mind, Wedge was not.

5) She supports her comrades emotionally even when she’s worried too.

When they reached the surface, they spotted a Shinra helicopter. Cloud assured them they're only on patrol. Aerith turned to Tifa and said, "Don't worry, we'll make it in time". This moment is also very iconic to me. As I mentioned, I'm an anaesthesiologist. We are the support doctors to surgeons and physicians. Those moments when we're operating on AAA surgeries and the patient is losing liters of blood and literally dying, we're pumping bloods in with our hands and get those Level 1 machines operating, and the surgeons would be panicking because it keeps bleeding? Yep, I did say it before. "We'll make it. Just concentrate on the surgery and don't worry about the bleeding", even though I'm sweating and dying here trying to keep the patient alive. But I pretended to be calm in front of my team and cheered them on. Because the whole team needs to keep calm. If one of the team loses hope, then bid your chance farewell. As an anaesthesiologist, we're almost like the anchor in the room. People look at us to know if everything's alright. I need to tell them it's alright, so they need not worry. Aerith knew Tifa is worried. And she tried to keep Tifa calm with reassurance. Even if she probably freaked out herself.

6) She doesn’t discriminate.

After they defeated the ghost at the haunted maintenance facility, Cloud tried to kill it, and Aerith didn't let him. When Cloud said that thing was dangerous, Aerith said she knows and added "but even so..." she didn't feel right about killing it. (Let's ignore the fact that the Ghoul was a lonely creature for now) It then goes to drop the train wreck which almost killed them had it not been for Cloud. Now this would have been avoided had Aerith let Cloud killed it—maybe. But here's the thing. When you're hyper-aware that people are dying left and right, you value life more. No one deserves to die, even the worst criminal in the world. You're a law-abiding citizen? You're a criminal? It doesn't make a difference to us. I know this is something super hard to comprehend. But technically only when the law subjects the criminal to the death sentence that a person should be left to die. I've been a doctor for eleven years, I was a prison doctor for two. I had the first-hand experience of dealing with criminals. It's not my job to determine whether they deserve to die or not. It's not my call whether they will turn a new leaf had they lived. I know this is something others find difficult to relate to and agree with—happens to my non-medical family and friends. The verdict to us is simple. It's a life. It's worth saving. Period. (Technically the ghosts are dead though but my point still stands)

7) She tries to her best abilities and lets go of what is out of her control.

Tifa's emotions are tampered with again when they confirmed Shinra was going to drop the plate when they overheard the Turks conversation. Her voice shook, we can literally hear it. Aerith's response was "all we can do now is keep moving". And she's right. When they reached Sector 7 and the Whispers were preventing them, she said "we have to get past whatever it takes". And later on, Tifa left to help Cloud and Barret, and Aerith agreed to get to Seventh Heaven to ensure Marlene's safety. Wedge had a short mental breakdown when he realized he was no good to anyone up or down the crime scene. And Aerith told him "We can still save a lot of lives", "That's no excuse to give up", "I need to know I did everything I could". Her encouragement helped Wedge save more people. Some argued, did she not care about the lives that already died? Now here's my point; no, we don't. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but really. What can we do for people who are already dead? Nothing. What can we do for people who are still alive? Everything. And this is the core of being a healthcare provider—we prioritize. Yes, we're also humans. We can get emotional when our own friends and relatives die. (Aerith might not be as calm had it happened at Sector 5) But when we put the healthcare provider cap on, we mean business. That is why when disasters happened, and we triage people with a black tag? That's when we know we couldn't do anything for them. We don't mourn at the black tags. We move on to the other tags instead. So that we know we already did everything in our power to help. And yes, it doesn't matter even if we lost more lives than we saved. It's worth it, even if we only saved one person out of thousands of deaths. Just like how Aerith saved Betty in Sector 7. That one life is worth it.

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. you know whats also bad about the red eyes? not only do they look awful on persephone's pink color, they're not even a unique feature? like we've seen hades' eyes go red, we've seen eros' eyes go red, and ares' eyes are ALWAYS red, so even this idea its her "unique queenly trait" doesnt even hold up?? because we've seen it on other characters before?like at least the blue glowing eyes looked unique and even gave her a possessed, otherworldly look, something with the red eyes just dont have.

2. The faces in the latest ep (not fastpass).... Ew

3. I saw someone praise lore olympus art, specifically the ones where Apollo is playing his lyre and Daphne is covering her ears while her hair is split in two (yuck! Bad decision looks awful) so we can see Apollo, the one where she transforms into her hibernation state (weird perspective, chin and neck, I think, also what the hell was that supposed to be?) and the last one before cutting to Thanatos (which, I admit looks a little better that the other but I still got distracted Apollo's arm among other things).

Now, Rachel is a professional artist like 15-25 years older than me (I dunno her age) drawing one of the most liked webtoons.

I feel like I'm nitpicking or being too harsh or crazy because I think it is a little terrible and this person thinks it's amazing and I know art is subjective and all but like the difference of opinion is jarring. I am by no means a professional and my art leaves a lot to be desired and I guess I don't have incredibly high standards (or do I? I'm second guessing). Is it really that good?

Because I know that Smythe commits more than a few anatomy atrocities. I wanted to redraw a few panels two years ago and I noticed a few things that Don't Work Like That.

4. ok but that other anon is right. we shouldnt have to go off old tumblr asks or random tweets to understand what's going on and who the characters are. rachel doesnt realize you have to actually write whats going on, not putting the readers on a scavenger hunt trying to figure out what they're even reading.

5. im honestly surprised LO hasnt ruined more mother figures at this point. maybe maia will be next and depicted as neglectful and hermes is only the way he is because hes acting out to be noticed by her, maybe dione will slut shame aphrodite, who knows, the possibilities are endless when its about ruining every mother figure to prop persephone and hera up and to avoid giving the characters actual personalities that isnt dependent on mommy/daddy issues.

6. I hate the clothing choice for Daphne in run for your life. It felt like she was drawn in a sexualized manner when she shouldn’t have been because she was running away from a r*pist. Like she almost had a nip slip, we almost got her ass, it was like Rachel was trying to fit her butt and chest in a lot of the frames like some video game with the token woman character. Like if a different dress was choosen or how she made Daphne tie the dress, I just feel like Rachel can’t draw outside of pinup sexy that well. Like sexy is fine for sexy scenes but running away from a r*pist is not sexy. (I probably sounded really lame, but the way Rachel presents the story in a feminist way but can only draw one way in not even the same style is annoying)

7. Things I think would have been better for the story instead of focusing so much on HXP

-Expanding on Minthe’s and Hades beginning of their relationship (he couldn’t of fallen for her since she didn’t laugh at him and when she yelled at him said it’s not your fault but you have the hat I think that would have added to his character more to see him more than a 40 year old who hits on barely legal)

-Leto’s kidnapping of Demeter. Both we/are close with Hera, and probably know or each other or may have been friends. Like I wanna know how Leto kidnapped her but also how are they interacting since they probably know each other and Demeter probably had Hera’s back when Hera ended their friendship.

-Ares return to Aphrodite. We don’t get to see much of her character but we know this is something she’s wanted, but they way it was handled was so flat, We assume Aphrodite told Ares that his gf slept with his father to save their son but we don’t actual read any words between the couple. And then they’re living together. I wanna see how they actually interact and stay together like their better moments. Like how well did he settle in, did they talk about how long he left for or is he mad like come on that’s something interesting but I feel like RS can’t write outside of HXP

-the deal with Echo. Why do people think Echo could possibly be Hera’s gf if she’s her assistant. Yeah they do dirty work together BUT I didn’t get a wiff or sexual tension or anything. Was it that she was there with the doctor? It just seems like Hera is that CEO trope who has the assistant always by her now.

-a little more of Pysche and Aphrodite friendship. Like Pysche says Aphrodite is lonely (and we can assume a part of that is Ares) but also because she “doesn’t have many friends” so why not a solo scene of just the two of them being actual friends. Like what did Aphrodite say when she brought back a purple nymph that was gonna help them with their work.

-Hermes not talking about Persephone. I feel like that 99% of what his character is and then just a little bit of himbo. 

-Maybe Thantos and Minthe started flirting/hooking up. We’re they friends first or flirts first? Was it after Hades and Minthe got into a fight or something else? What did Thantos like about Minthe and what does she like about him? Why did she stay with Hades with Thantos was there (it’s not like she wanted to be queen of the underworld) How did Thantoas and Thetis meet and become friends? Idk if I was seeing two guys and one of them actually liked my friend I might consider leaving Hades for him. But again hades did have the power to control everything in Minthe’s life (job, home, everything) I do like Daphne and Thantos But I feel like the transition could have been better if we knew more, but again RS can only focus on one thing and that’s HXP.

------FP Spoiler/Mention------

8. FP SPOILERS— I’m done. I’m really done. We called it. We FKN called it. They got married behind the readers back, Demeter didn’t respond to the question as she actively avoided it and time was up, Apollo is somehow involved in the trial- THIS WHOLE THING IS A MESS AND IM TIRED OF HOPING THAT IT GETS BETTER. Four FKN years of this??? I’m done with this Webtoon even though I’m FKN stuck in it. I’m so FKN done.

9. Fast Pass spoiler (kinda) OH MY GOD, I JUST REALIZED THE POMEGRANATE PIN IS JUST PASTED ON EVERY FRAME, NOT EVEN RE DRAWN FOR PERSPECTIVE, NO, JUST COPIED AND PASTED, REGARDLESS THE OUTFIT ANGLE AND LIGHTING, IT'S HILARIOUS!!!I mean, I knew the art was decaying, but this just made me laugh out loud of how bad it looked.

10. persephone’s pomegranate pin just looks like a giant fly that landed on her and won’t leave LMAO

[shrinkyclinksfest]

That's a wrap!

Thank you all so much for another successful run of Shrinkyclinks Fest! Altogether the works add up to 150K words of new Shrinkyclinks content and six new artworks! We want to thank all our wonderful writers, artists, promoters, promoters, readers, and supporters. We will see you all next year!

Without further ado, the Masterlist:

Title: Nazi Punks Fuck Off [Shrinkyclinks AU] Creator: bleedxblack Medium (fic, art, podfic, etc.): digital art Rating: G Prompt #: 22 Warnings: N/A Summary: Local punk Steve Rogers goes to see his hardcore vocalist boyfriend, Bucky, perform with his band, Widow. Friend and guitarist Natasha took the first photo of them after the band had finished their set. Steve took the following photo himself while he watched his friends and lover play on stage.

Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33271081

Title: Steve has hot guy problems Creator: HeyBoy Medium (fic, art, podfic, etc.): digital art Rating: T Prompt #: 33 Warnings: N/A Summary: For the ShrinkyClinks Fest prompt: Meet-cute at the gym! Smol Steve is determined to work on his cardio and fitness. He reluctantly goes to the gym, feeling intimidated but ready to spit fire at anyone who so much as looks at him twice. He is going to get a good workout, damnit. Ignore the clunkheads. Ignore the gym rats. Ignore the super hot guy with long hair and stormy eyes who always seems to be using the equipment near Steve. That wasn't so bad! Now we can shower and go home. Wait, hot guy is also in the shower and… he's singing. WAIT hot guy just exited the shower and now he knows that I know he was singing!.

Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33271468

Title: asthma attacks, fire escapes, and chai Creator: beemotionpicture Medium: fic Rating: gen Wordcount: 6,657 Prompt #: 9 Warnings: none Summary: It happens because of his asthma of all things.

As soon as he feels short of breath he starts rooting through his messenger bag for his inhaler. Steve has a moment to think aha!and then fuck,before he’s losing his grip on the thing and it’s skidding across the pavement and into an alleyway.

He freezes when he realizes he’s not alone.

Steve hears a muffled sound coming from behind the dumpster, but that’s not what makes him look; no, it’s the metallic scent in the air which, with a creeping feeling of dread, he hopes isn’t blood. He looks. It’s blood.

And there’s a man sitting right in a puddle of it, leaning heavily against the brick wall and clutching his side with a metal hand.

How Steve finds an injured Bucky, nurses him back to health, and takes down a HYDRA agent while he’s at it. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33272239

Title: Highway Ghost Creator: Neonbat  Fic Rating: E Wordcount : 15820 Prompt #: 31 Warnings: Usual WS Bucky warnings Summary: Steve hated long drives, it was too easy to zone out, especially when you’re full of cook-out food and good times. Having someone fall out of nowhere right in front of his car wasn’t exactly something he’d ever consider a possibility. He had enough excitement already from his job as an ER Nurse. Except, where most people would have been laid out on the asphalt, the man dressed in black got up without a scratch and insisted medical care wasn’t needed. The fuck was his life?  Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33283738

Title: He "Accidently" Picked A Hot Roommate Creator: rufferto Medium: digital art Rating: G Prompt #: 48 Warnings: N/A Summary: Steve needs a roommate. He thinks he will never find one but then he meets Winter Soldier Bucky who needs a place to stay while he recovers. Steve offers him the room immediately and it turns out Bucky is a great roommate. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33279370

Title: special delivery Creator: @glim / glim Medium: fic Rating: Teen + Wordcount: ~6,000 words Prompt #: 30 Warnings: n/a Summary: Written for shrinkyclinksfest, Prompt #30: Steve Rogers has always been prone to sickness, but summer colds are the absolute worst. What he wants is a huge bowl of chicken noodle soup and some ice cream. What he gets is a food delivery guy who’s so built and hot Steve chokes on his tongue. That’s why he keeps ordering long after he’s recovered and how he finally gets Bucky Barnes into his apartment and his bed. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33343828

Title: When the Pool Closes Creator: buckybarnesdeservestobehappy  Fic Rating: T Wordcount : 1858 Prompt #: 36 Warnings: N/A Summary: Steve just wants to enjoy a day out in the sun by himself. That’s not too much to ask. Except it is, apparently. With such fair skin, sunscreen is a must, and there’s no way he can reach his entire back. He’s just going to have to find someone to help him apply it, and if the guy is ripped… Well, it’s not Steve’s fault that he’s got good taste. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33341596

Title: To the Future and the Past Creator: buckybarnesdeservestobehappy  Fic Rating: T Wordcount : 1465 Prompt #: 40 Warnings: Major character death Summary: Maybe a funeral isn’t the right time to admit to a gay love story, but Bucky doesn’t care. That’s what Steve wanted, and Bucky’s never been able to say no to the love of his life. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33358726

Title: A Shot Across The Bow Creator: Author: Becassine Artist: Call_me_kayyyyy  Art Rating: G Fic Rating: E Wordcount : 18382 Prompt #: 52 Warnings: Blood/Injury, Implied/Reference Abuse, Reference Slave Trade Summary: Bucky Barnes is a Pirate Captain, and one accustomed to getting his own way. When fate drops Steve Rogers in his path one lonely evening in Tortuga, his life is forever turned upside down. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33265450/chapters/82597747

Title: Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet Creator: Girl_Back_There Medium: Fic Rating: Mature Wordcount: 6214 Prompt #: 45 Warnings: Some Homophobic Language, Instances of Sexual Harassment against women Summary:Bucky doesn’t know how his mother managed to Jedi mind trick him into dropping off Becca at summer camp this year, but she somehow did it. Despite his grumpiness at the unreasonable hour in which he was wrenched from his nice and cozy bed, Bucky is glad for this time with his little sister. Becca spends their time talking about the activities she got to do last summer that she hopes will be back again this year, all of which was organized by Steve Rogers. After she came home from Camp Marvel last year, all Becca could talk about was Steve Rogers, one of the counselors for her team, The Howlies. Steve Rogers was an amazing artist. Steve Rogers participates in all of the competitions despite his asthma, scoliosis, heart arrhythmia, and various other medical issues. Steve Rogers totally drinks his respect women juice. Bucky would be worried about his sister may be developing a crush on this Steve guy, but after meeting him, Bucky is more preoccupied with the crush he's developing on Steve. So preoccupied in fact, he ends up signing on to be a camp counselor for the summer. Link to work:https://archiveofourown.org/works/33339220

Title:  The Way To A Man’s Heart Creator: Author: HaniTrash Artist: Kocuria_visuals  Art Rating: T Fic Rating: E Wordcount : 11852 Prompt #: 53 Warnings: N/A Summary: Steve Rogers, skinny Brooklynite, is a college student who makes old recipes and posts videos of them on tiktok. When Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier and Avenger, sees one, he's instantly hooked and becomes Steve's biggest fan. What follows next is a story of food, flirting, and a very unlikely pairing. But much like Steve’s unusual recipes, what shouldn’t work often does… Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33312223/chapters/82722664#workskin

Title: Maybe A Muse Creator: buckybarnesdeservestobehappy Medium (fic, art, podfic, etc.): fic Rating: M Wordcount: 2871 Prompt #: 28 Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Summary:  When Bucky Barnes needs extra money, he’s appalled that his best friends think he should become a model for the art department on campus. Shy, nerdy, and socially awkward, he’s not sure that’s something he feels comfortable doing. Still, he needs money, and he likes the idea of becoming someone’s muse. The problem is he had no idea two things would happen. First, one of the students in the class is exactly his type; second, he has to model nude. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33393928

Title: Be My Breath Creator: Goosenik and clarkestetler Medium: Fic Rating: Teen and Up Wordcount: 44,575 Prompt #: 48 Warnings: N/A Summary: For the Shrinkyclinks Fest 2021 prompt: Steve needs a roommate. He thinks he will never find one but then he meets Winter Soldier Bucky who needs a place to stay while he recovers. Steve offers him the room immediately and it turns out Bucky is a great roommate.

Basically: Bucky moves in with Steve after he escapes from Hydra, and Steve begins the long process of helping Bucky remember how to be human again. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33275848/chapters/82626394

Title: Tap-Tap Into Your Heart Creator: huntress79​ Medium: Fic Rating: T Wordcount: 5k Prompt #: 6 Warnings: none, except for one blink-and-you’ll-miss-it mention of animal death  Summary: When HYDRA finally fell, the Soldier was lost, in more than one meaning. And for the next several months, he, more or less, drifted from one former safehouse to the other, always avoiding to stay too long in one place. Until he comes to Brooklyn - and finds a new purpose, again in more than one meaning… Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33416524

Title: I'd be selfish but never with you Creator: Lacunalady on Ao3 Medium: Fic Rating: E Wordcount: 20k Prompt #: 32 Warnings: No archive warnings apply Summary: Prompted with: "Arranged marriage AU. Steve is a prince and Bucky is a newly crowned king of the neighboring country having conquered/overtaken the last ruler. In order to keep the peace between their countries, Steve's father decides for them to wed. Steve is reluctant for several reasons but mainly because he wants to marry for love and the fact that Bucky has a reputation for being exceedingly ruthless in battle (aka the winter solider)" by Bangyababy on Tumblr! Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33424936

Title: Just Peachy Creator: Erosanderis Fic Rating: N/A Wordcount : 1266 Prompt #: 34 Warnings: N/A Summary: Steve Rogers was not looking forward to meeting his soulmate. Ever since the day he was born, he had the worst possible words on his forearm. So of course he would meet them at work. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33412060

Title: Knocking Boots with Sugar Creator: buckybarnesdeservestobehappy  Fic Rating: E Wordcount : 4095 Prompt #: 29 Warnings: N/A Summary: In between summers at college, Steve Rogers wants a new adventure beyond his lonely life in Brooklyn. He ends up in West Texas working on a dude ranch where Bucky Barnes is a long-time employee. When Bucky offers to buy Steve a drink, they end up drunk on tequila and making out in public. For the rest of the summer, they're inseparable. As the summer draws to a close, Steve realizes he doesn't want to leave. Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33499603

[jikookuntold]

Jungkook and His Cover Songs: Is “10000 Hours” about Jimin?

Disclaimer: The following post includes theories, lyric and numeric analysis, plus my personal opinions, so please don’t take anything seriously. I’m too lazy to upload photos and videos for the moments I mentioned here, but I’m sure you know about them all. Any Jikooker must know. And I’m not Korean or a Korean culture expert, I just know as much as any Stan Twitter ARMY knows about their culture.

Anyone?

Maybe one of the biggest Jikook moments of 2021 so far, is where Jimin jumped into Jungkook’s hug, in Lee Hyun’s Vlog. But the other moment on that Vlog was even more significant; Jungkook was singing “Anyone” from Justin Bieber’s new album, and Jimin was harmonizing with him while holding on his shirt. I don’t want to mention their interview moment singing “Peaches” because I know this song is super popular in South Korea right now and somehow it doesn’t count as a moment. But it’s safe to say that Jikook has something special with his songs, and JK in particular always was invested in him. 

JK & JB

The reason behind Jungkook’s devotion to Justin Bieber was always a big question for me, and I got my answer not long time ago. Jungkook’s playlist for Melon Radio Station included a song from JB’s new album named “Lonely”. This is one of the most personal songs any artist can ever make, and JK recommended it to his audience. Here are the lyrics of “Lonely” by Justin Bieber:

Everybody knows my name now

But somethin' 'bout it still feels strange

Like lookin' in a mirror, tryna steady yourself

And seein' somebody else

And everything is not the same now

It feels like all our lives have changed

Maybe when I'm older, it'll all calm down

But it's killin' me now

What if you had it all, but nobody to call?

Maybe then you'd know me

'Cause I've had everything

But no one's listening

And that's just lonely

I'm so lonely, lonely

Everybody knows my past now

Like my house was always made of glass

And maybe that's the price you pay

For the money and fame at an early age

And everybody saw me sick

And it felt like no one gave

They criticized the things I did as an idiot kid

What if you had it all, but nobody to call?

Maybe then you'd know me

'Cause I've had everything

But no one's listening

And that's just lonely

These lyrics made me think of one specific thing, the thing that JK and JB have in common: They started their careers at a very young age, and their lives have been under the scrutiny of so many people. These people judged and criticized them but never tried to understand them. The lyrics are straightforward and leave no place for interpretation. By recommending this song, JK showed that he had (and probably still has) the same experiences in his life, and I think the reason he recommends or covers JB’s songs more than any other artist is that he has many things in common with him, and feels connected to his songs. 

This can lead us to another theory: By covering a Justin Bieber song, Jungkook shares something about himself with us, something that he can’t express directly.

Jungkook is interested in JB’s songs, but he is not the only one. As I said earlier in this post, Jimin shares the same taste with Jungkook, and my receipt is not just that “Anyone” or “Peaches” harmonizing moments, but also Jimin’s Spotify playlists. Since 2017 (or earlier, I’m not sure about this part) he has added some JB songs to his official playlist, and even his current playlist (July 2021) has two JB songs. And also let’s not forget the fact that Jikook as a subunit started in 2014 with a JB cover. Yes, I’m talking about “Mistletoe” and as you may know, Jimin translated the lyrics of this song to Korean. 

10000 Hours

Nearly 700 words and I haven’t started yet! The subject of this post was supposed to be the connections between “10000 hours” cover and Jikook but this prelude was necessary to clarify all the aspects of the topic and we find out how JB is special for JK and Jimin and how they (especially Jungkook) feel connected to him. Anyways, back to 10000 hours:

Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber released this Grammy winner song in October 2019. Here are the lyrics: 

Do you love the rain, does it make you dance

When you're drunk with your friends at a party

What's your favorite song, does it make you smile

Do you think of me?

When you close your eyes, tell me, what are you dreamin'?

Everything, I wanna know it all

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

Do you miss the road that you grew up on?

Did you get your middle name from your grandma?

When you think about your forever now, do you think of me?

When you close your eyes, tell me, what are you dreamin'?

Everything, I wanna know it all

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

Ooh, want the good and the bad and everything in between

Ooh, gotta cure my curiosity

Ooh, yeah

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that

Sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

And I'm gonna love you

As you can see, the lyrics are 100% romantic, and the singers including JB, have dedicated this song to their lovers. Also, their girlfriends/wives have a cameo in the MV, which leaves no place for speculation for the context of the song: Even though the uncertainties always exist and no one knows about the future, our love is strong and will stay strong regardless of time. 

The Cover and the Theories

Nearly one year later, on July 28th, 2020, Jungkook surprised ARMYs with a short video he tweeted at 11:56 AM. That video was a 49 seconds cover of 10000 hours. A few minutes later, he deleted the tweet (apparently with the advertisement excuses, because it was tweeted from an iPhone and they have a contract with Samsung). Later that night, Jungkook released the full version on Sound Cloud and tweeted the link at 11:47 PM. 

Jikookers discovered numerous theories that day about the times of both tweets; if you add the digits of the time, the result is “13” for both tweets 1+1+4+7=13, 1+1+5+6=13, and as you already know “13” is Jikook’s magic number. Also, the first video he tweeted was 49 seconds and 4+9=13. But in my opinion, this theory is not strong. I know that numerology is very popular in Korean culture but still, all of this can be coincidences, but the other things I’m going to bring up are most likely not. 

28th July 2020 was the 7th anniversary of the first Jikook selca posted after debut. This also might be a coincidence and to be honest, it cannot be a strong link to make a connection with Jikook, but worths sharing. 

The next thing that many Jikookers also pointed out, was related to the title of the song. The lyrics say “10000 hours and 10000 more” and 20000 hours after the 28th of July is 8th November 2022. As you may know. Jikookers believe November 8th is a significant date for Jikook. I believe this can be a coincidence either, and it’s very unlikely of Jungkook to do such calculations (Koreans are interested in numbers when it comes to days and dates, but counting hours is not usual in any culture. Other than that, I’m still doubtful about the origins of the November 8th theory because we have nothing other than two tweets and G.C.F Tokyo release date and their hotel room in Tokyo which still can be coincidental). But I don’t deny these theories because even as a coincidence, it’s still very interesting. 

And the next theory is connected to the “Red Moon”. On 27th July 2018, a total lunar eclipse happened all over the world, which became known as the red moon. At that time, BTS were in Malta, and on the same night, Jikook were watching the red moon on a boat. They shared plenty of photos and videos of that moment and I’m sure as a Jikooker you have seen them all and you know that night had a very romantic mood (BigHit words, not mine) for Jikook. So, a second anniversary for that night and the day after that night can be a significant date to release a very romantic cover. Is this a coincidence too? I think we had many of them already.

And last but not least is something connected to Korean culture. You probably know that 1000 days anniversaries are very important for Koreans and they celebrate them along with real anniversaries of the important dates in their lives. And guess what? 27th July 2020 is 1000 days after 31 October 2017. This day is the day Jikook’s travel to Tokyo ended and they posted their couply mirror selca on Twitter with flower bouquet emoji. Despite the one-day difference (the same case for the red moon anniversary), this is not a minor event or small coincidence. I believe Jungkook posted “10000 hour” cover for this reason and based on this, the other theories I mentioned earlier can be true either. 

The lyrics hit different if you read them again, after knowing this fact. Right? I don’t want to make this post much longer but before wrapping up, I want to talk about the lyrics of “Anyone” by JB (the song Jikook were harmonizing in Lee Hyun’s Vlog):

Dance with me under the diamonds

See me like breath in the cold

Sleep with me here in the silence

Come kiss me, silver and gold

You say that I won't lose you

But you can't predict the future

So, just hold on like you will never let go

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (anyone)

Not anyone

Forever's not enough time to (oh)

Love you the way that I want (love you the way that I want)

'Cause every morning I find you (oh)

I fear the day that I don't

You say that I won't lose you

But you can't predict the future

'Cause certain things are out of our control

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love

Only one (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (I've ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

It's not anyone, not anyone

Oh, oh, oh, oh

If it's not you, it's not anyone

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, whoa

Yeah, you are the only one I'll ever love

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya) gotta tell ya

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (ever done, oh, yeah)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

If you read the lyrics, you will notice that the context is very similar to “10000 hours”. It talks about the uncertainties of a beautiful love or in other words: No matter what the future brings to us, this love will last forever. 

This context of uncertainty and unknown future for a romance is a common concept in many of the songs Jungkook has covered and it’s not limited to the Justin Bieber covers he has done and maybe this concept can be the topic for my next analysis.