#already bawled my eyes out and now i feel better but damn

[lostjudgmnt]

back in DKA and have to stay at the hospital overnight babey. im so fucking tiiiiired

[vrystalius]

I loved Sanemi's ask about meeting his in-laws,can I request an ask about Sanemi meeting his only daughter's boyfriend? (Sanemi has 7 sons and one daughter) 💚

❕Sanemi’s reaction to his daughter having a boyfriend

You and Sanemi’s daughter have a boyfriend. What will your husband think?

Note: I’m glad you liked it!! This was again very fun to write, so thanks for sending in that request! <3

Pairing: Father!Sanemi x Mother!Reader

— Sanemi bawled his eyes out at every single birth of his eight kids. He held the bundle of joy in his arms, ugly crying and sobbing. If he were to go back in time and tell himself that good things are coming, he wouldn’t believe himself. Sanemi always wanted to have a big family with many kids and he feels incredibly blessed to have one with you. Three of his eldest sons already moved out, much to Sanemi’s grief. But luckily they stayed close to his and your house, so you, Sanemi and the kids can easily go visit them.

— Now, Sanemi only had five kids that live under the same roof. Among them, his only daughter. He never thought of himself as a girl-dad when he heard the news of you being pregnant with a girl. He’s gotten used to roughhousing, lots of fighting and yelling from his boys, so Sanemi wasn’t not sure if he’s going to be able to even bond with his little girl. But turns out, it was no trouble at all.

— He adored being made all pretty for her doll parties, make-up clumsily being applied to his face. Sanemi loved playing princesses and fairies with his daughter, going so far as to dressing in one of your floral kimonos for this roleplay.

— But Sanemi’s favourite thing is to braid her hair for hours and hours on end and to just enjoy spend the time he has with her. He knows that his little girl is going to grow up and become not so little anymore, and he cannot mentally prepare himself for that.

— So when his girl brought over her boyfriend for the first time, Sanemi was devastated. Who is this boy? For how long have they been knowing each other? Were they dating behind his back? What are they doing in her room with the door closed?!

— You had to calm Sanemi down and hold him back from barging in and dragging that damn boy out of his house.

— But when the boy was in his way to leave, Sanemi stopped him by stepping in front of the housedoor and blocking the exit. He glared down at that boy, scanning his whole body and face. Sanemi looked extremely intimidating with all the muscle he (still) had and the several scars decorating his body and face.

“You better behave, boy. I don’ wanna see my daughter sad, ya hear?”

— Sanemi practically growled at the boy. Your daughter’s boyfriend would’ve wet himself if you didn’t scold your husband and told him to leave that poor boy be.

— Sanemi just doesn’t want to see his little girl growing up. He wants to continue to play fairies with her, braid her hair and help her organise her doll parties. He wants to keep his precious girl’s heart safe and far away from heartbreak…

— And he swears that if any boy dares to even touch his girl the wrong way or even attempt to hurt her, Sanemi is going to scramble his old and dusty katana out and give it one last taste of blood.

💠

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed.

Anyways, make sure to EAT, SLEEP and DRINK enough!

Take care of yourselves <3

Here’s my masterlist for the hashira.

Here’s my masterlist for the demons.

[jikagu]

SLUT ME OUT

pairing: toji fushiguro x fem!reader

summary: you were always his little fangirl in school, bawling about how cute and sexy he was. who knew that would lead you against the doorframe of his own house panting for air?

notes: degradation, size difference, urjdjnssks short drabble

also i want to talk to you guys more sm omg if u want leave an emoji next to an ask if ur anon so i can remember u!! <33

"since when did you have a kid?" you questioned him, swirling your cocktail in your drink. the reunion you guys had went to got a bit overbearing so you went to go sit on the porch with each other.

"december 22nd, last year." he frowned, looking at you. "you?"

"um, may 19th, also last year." there was an awkward silence that pursued after, but it left you wondering who the mother was? toji used to sleep around, you weren't sure if he still did it. it'd be better not to ask though, you weren't sure how he'd react or if he was the same.

"..dude, i used to fangirl over you, like big time." you snicker, looking toji up and down. he was still a hunk of muscles, no wonder. probably still fangirl now, but it was a conversation starter.

"oh, yeah, really?" he smirked cockily, opening his mouth and then closing it. it was like he wanted to say something, but he dismissed it rather quick.

"did you not notice the notes in your locker? you didn't even know your own best friends handwriting?" you were both surprised at this as a loud laugh erupted from the two of you.

"that—that was you?" poor guy looked dumbfounded. sure, he had a shit ton of fangirls but he always hung by you. hell, you did his homework.

"yeah, that's crazy how you didn't know." you muttered, looking up and locking eye contact with each other.

"still like me now?" he grinned, having a darkened look on his eyes that looked like it could pierce through you.

"ew, no." you lied, looking at the oh so tight shirt the man had on.

"shame." he shrugged, never taking his eyes off of you.

"i got in trouble a lot for just being friends with you." you confess, continuing. "i had girls pull my hair, kick me, write on my desk.. and—a lot of other things." when you looked back up, toji just looked empathetic.

"why didn't you tell me?" he bit his lip, knowing he could of helped you out when you needed him. you were always there for him, but never the opposite.

"i did." you cross your arms, feeling yourself get sentimental by the past. "you yelled at me one time for making up 'lies.'" you sighed, but you put a smile on your face.

"but hey, at least i don't do drugs in a random mans car." you were moreover mocking the girl that used to make you feel shit, but you kinda feel bad for her. you have to reach some low to sell your body, do drugs, and get charged with several accounts of child abuse. you can't be bothered though.

"damn."

"want me to make it up to you?" toji tilted his head sideways, awaiting your answer.

"huh?"

—

"oh fuck toji—don't leave any marks!" you whine as toji ignores you, leaving those hated purple hickies on your neck.

he pushes you against the doorframe, impatient to get you to his room before you jolted quickly.

"toji, toji! what about your son?" you huff a moan while toji chuckled.

"don't worry bout' it sweetheart, he's asleep. if you're quiet, you won't wake him up." this was a dangerous game to be playing, but maybe you were clouded by lust to think properly.

both of you guys rushed to his room as he started taking off your shirt and bra just eyeing your breasts.

"like what you see?" you mock, snickering.

"sure as hell do." he started to take off your baggy pants, then just staring at your body.

"shit, girl." he kissed you roughly, fondling your boobs while gently pushing you against his bed. he took off your panties as he pushed a finger into you already. his fingers were huge that it caused a guttural moan, lost in ecstasy.

he was so much bigger than you and your fingers. he already hit spots you never could. that was until he added in the second finger somehow.

"o—h fuck toji! it won't fit!" you groaned, bucking your hips until he chuckled lowly.

"damn baby, if that won't fit then how will my cock fit inside of you? you're so damn tight—" grunts came from him as he curled his fingers right in your g-spot as you closed your eyes so hard you saw stars.

you felt an orgasm coming, and so early too? how embarrassing. you rolled your hips more and more aggressively to reach your high as you felt it coming, right then and there—

"baby, did'ya squirt on me?" a low voice questioned as you could barely make it out. you were babbling on your words, drool leaking from your mouth.

"fuck, doll. guess you came that hard from my fingers huh?" he mocked, pulling his fingers out and licking them slowly.

"taste like candy, you know?" his chest heaved in and out, a grin plastered on his face. your face flushed beet red, whining as he pulled his fingers out.

"haa—oh my go—d. i need you inside me already." you sit up, tugging on his sweatpants. you were so desperate just to be filled again, you needed toji so so so bad.

"be patient, doll." he said caressing your face, lowering you back down on the bed—taking off his pants as you requested.

he aligned his cock with your pussy, the wet slick and cum dripping out of you acting as lubricant.

"tell me if it hurts baby." he coos, pushing in slowly. as he pushed in you felt yourself stretching around his cock, almost sculpting himself inside of you.

guttural moans escaped from your mouth, almost echoing in the room. you were surprised his kid didn't wake up.

"fuck!" he grunted, still pushing his cock inside. he was so huge inside of you, you've never had anyone this big and it was very obvious.

"you feel so good," you moaned, stuttering the entire time. toji leaned and kissed you, pushing his tongue inside of your mouth, intertwining them.

he waited a bit before he started thrusting inside of you, you held onto the blanket beside you, whines filling the room along with skin slapping. you closed your eyes tightly as toji ravaged your body, sucking on your tit whilst fondling the other.

your breath remained unsteady as you felt so sensitive from earlier, already feeling your stomach curl.

"fuck, fuck, cummin!'" you yelped, moving your hands towards toji's back, scratching at his tight clothed shirt. he grunted before both of you guys came at the same time.

—

you woke up to the embrace of toji, his arm wrapped around you completely as his snores got louder. i mean, it didn't really bother you, now did it?

[chaifootsteps]

Oh my god, finally! I've been wanting to post here for a few days.

I'm the author of that infamous fanfic. And I wanted to say, unrelated to Hazbin, that the documentary and Drake's story, coupled with his new music video "I Kinda Relate" is the most heartbreaking and empowering thing I've ever seen. I bawled my eyes out the entire day that I found it.

In the first 28 seconds, Drake heavily implies, but doesn't show, his abuse that he suffered at the hands of his rapist, Brian Peck (who also was penpals with none other than John Wayne Gacy.)

I wanted to do nothing but hug that poor little boy, and to hug the man he is now. I want to tell him that he's beautiful and strong and brave for coming out. Male CSA victims rarely ever do. Could you imagine telling Drake then or now, that he's a *loser*? Could you imagine going about his abuse the way Viv did with Husk and Angel? He literally made his own music video that was much more tactful and empowering than Loser Baby ever will be.

I also have dirt on Dan S and that whole fucking pedo ring (I know a LOT of people in this industry. I also helped take down an ACTUAL ZOO AND PEDOPHILE with a decent amount of power a few years back.) And for anyone still confused about Drake, the girl he messaged lied about her age and he never did anything physical with her. He still acknowledges he's fucked up (please watch his hour long interview and music video) but he's "bound to make it right".

I also just want to say, to a CERTAIN PERSON, that comparing the objectively fetishisized abuse (I'm a CSA victim and into noncon), to fucking SEX ED FOR CHILDREN, is the absolute most fucking garbage and vile take I've ever seen. Poison is NOT educational. It is fetish content for Viv and Raph and others like them. If survivors and fans can turn something objectively negative into something subjectively positive, all the power to them.

Again, into noncon and a CSA victim. I also don't want to see stans taking this and telling me I'm invalid for critiquing Viv and Raph (already dealt with that in my damn fic.) I have been raped/sexually assaulted/groomed/groped/strangled/pinned down/dragged around as a child and NO ONE is ever going to tell me I'm a hypocrite or that I'm wrong for my feelings on this issue. Especially when I also have friends and my own mother as SA and CSA victims as well.

Someone like myself, or like Drake Bell, do NOT need to see how explicitly horrid our abuse was/is to understand how bad it is. I personally had panic attacks watching the episode, and having the knowledge of Raph being an unapologetic rape fetishist, was all I needed to know that that entire episode was fetish content. It's basically an adaptation of Raph's Red Smoke comic. Nearly word for word too. I've written and consumed so many stories over the years to know exactly what's going in their heads.

You know how you actually help a victim? You have friends and family and a therapist help you get out of that situation. Husk "helping" Angel was not the way to go about it.

And I've seen fans argue whether or not Viv is a rape fetishist (she is), but if she wasn't, why is she so adamant on keeping an unapologetic rape fetishist on her staff? He's confirmed to be working on season 2 (God I'm gagging thinking about it) and why does she like so much art (no hate to the artists) of sexy, fetishisized, hot, and sad art of Valentino? If he's supposedly based off HER abusive experience, why does she coddle, woobify, and downplay and sexualize him so much??? I wouldn't base a rapist character or write a rapist character as a fucking "high school Mean girl".

I'm sorry this got so long, but fuck man... it's so fucking disgusting.

Anyways, please watch this. It's got more tact and heart than fucking Poison will ever have. Drake Bell, my heart goes out to you. CSA victim to CSA victim. I hope you get better and can heal. And that goes for all victims as well. 💜🫂 (You too, Chai.)

And Brian Peck, and any and all other rapists, can burn alive in a grease fire. Val included.

https://youtu.be/I5gh8rAVLkI?si=B2eny2U4GZRgDZ7t

https://youtu.be/nSzk-MsVKqA?si=6D4rEihu89Yom7YG

Well said as always, Anon, and thank you for this.

Also, definitely seconding Brian Peck burning up in a grease fire.

[thelittlepingu]

⋞ A Hero and their Weapon. }] く⁠コ⁠:⁠彡

Splatoon Manga/Coroika x Isekai? Reader

⋞ enjoying your new life!!

16-Jan-2024 <-!!

[{ Thank you for enjoying the first chapter, I noticed there's a little misspelling as for 'hire' and 'here', eventually i Will learned my lesson and make better things with it,but still thank you for reading it it's bring me a smile.and it's a Lots of fun making this than I thought!! }]

The Fallacy has spoken: it is just so nice to see you again dear familiar

[{Reader will be called [{Redacted}]/Familiar in this and Will be using They/Them pronounce just for Everyone to enjoy in every Page,this will keep going in the future page}]

<<Chapter 1.5 [{you here}] <- [{previous chapter}] Chapter 2 ->

To be honest.. what chapter is this?.. it's still 1?.. then it's still Rider.. Probably now their team is already fighting.. uhhggg god dammit, you really wanted to watch their show who knows you can learn while watching their show ahhhgg dammit dammit..

. . .

Wait.. wait a minute.. you still can, it's a Corocoro cup tournament, every once a year there's going to be a tournament, whoever is Number one on Turf war is a Champion or you can say getting the cup.. and if many inkling join the tournament that's mean there's going to be some kind of live video eventually you know who there's too.. of course it's the one and only the Emperor.

Hm.. maybe that's why he get name like Arrogant air by Crusty Sean or everybody name him an Arrogant air... who kidding, he really is.. but in the end he got better.. but then nerf.. and then he start being a fast food worker... He must be bawling out his eyes in his room from losing to a C- inkling, okay that's funny and very true reaction

You. Pretty much like the Emperor but you don't want to be like that Arrogant inkling, you just have the trait of a Good confidence.. And you are already getting into Rank X in Splatoon 2, you are proud of yourself nonetheless, but like getting your ass kick by C- is damn so much denial because what the hell..

Okay enough, you then let yourself enter the Test Range.. you look for a spot to sit and watch the live.. after taking a spot to sit, of course taking the phone to watch the live..

. . .

Oh.. oh how cool, it was better from the Manga, you never know this is going to be intense.. those move and those weapons the Dynamo Weapon.. it looks really heavy.. to be honest you remember in Sheldon store it's really bigger than you thought, admiring the ^Play^ it's really good and having slick move too..

You get up and stare at your weapon.. a glimpse of thought start go again and again

. . .

' how will you win.. '

A devil speak to itself yet you are not a devil nor a villain you just.. you, you just seek thriving goal.. such as this ^Turf War^.. you wanted the seeking challenge, you can't let yourself down for just such a little thing.. you just can't... You can't..

. . .

. . .

. . .

SPLAT!!

SPLAT!!

' hah.. hah .. Hah.. '

You took a look at your hand.. the look at the dummies

It hitting the dummies, the look of concern and sweat was building up to your face.. was it really necessary to be like this.. you felt sorry for what emotion you're feeling right now but you can't help it either.. but then again.. people have their right to be little selfish right?,gosh what are you thinking stop being like that, stop trying to make things look like it's great even it's literally bad, ..hah.. okay.. you giving it a shot, of course the practice what were you thinking.

You start to walk in front of the dummies.. not too far not too near then start to Aming the Shooter at the dummies

After a whole hour passed by and you are sweating.. but you do feel awesome, it's like having fun to yourself, you learn a move or two, you like it, even though it's just some Beginner weapon it's was fun.

You can't wait for your main weapon, it is going to be great. Such a great journey..

. . .

Hah.. you guess you can rest for a while who knows the next thing goggles will be losing to another inkling.. yeah he does really get his butt kick with Rider Dynamo it's little funny.

And.. after that they are going to face the Army team, they thought they were not going to face them in the second of the game, like they thought they didn't face Rider for the first round of the Game, oh how unlucky but even though they still manage to win, and idiotic blue still win even they face the S4 for a second time is shocking, then again he is the protagonist of this Manga even he lose to skull and wanting a rematch then he still win

' gosh is there another way.. '

And here you are remembering that, but it is nice to remember a little thing even if it's not necessary to do.. you are bored.. the next Match it's of course Goggles team And Army Team.. okay why do you say it's Goggles team, the leader is literally Glasses.. ah whatever..

But yeah it's going to be them, the next match is will take a while than you thought.. why not texting ^Cloak^ for something.. anything is okay since you are literally exhausted from training.. maybe talk about the S4..?

Familiar Has Text.. [\White Cloak\]

[\Familiar\]: Hey 'cloak' I'm taking a break from training, and I'm exhausted.. but I wanted to know more about the S4, any idea?

[\White Cloak\]: oh?.. interest about the S4 are you.. well what do you want to know about them, personality? Training? Or more, I got everything

[\Familiar\]: anything, personal information could be included.. if you can.

[\White Cloak\]: oh of course I can, the first you probably know. Rider, he's an inkling who are the first Goggles and their team encounter, as you know first he looks like an intimidated inkling and of course he is,he has a tough personality and he seems to be short tempered, then he began cares about his team, he rather change when he gets defeated by goggles and his team in the end, he still keep his intimidated and still have his serious attitude look in my perspective.. but he truly good, he is the least strongest of S4 but he manages to play with S4 in the end [When Army cannot join the game actually].

[\White Cloak\]: and about Army, Army is an inkling.. who is the second goggles and his team encounter after Rider, but you already knew that aren't you, his personality stern, strict personality, straight forward inkling who pride himself on his Team ability to an counter any possible move that their opponent can make, but it's due to the data they collect in their Manual,in the end he lost to goggles, and yet now he making curry as a data of his too.. cannot blame him, to be honest you just like him.. a little haha

[\White Cloak\]: that's all I can say, for the other you are going to watch them by yourself, and probably ask me again ^^ I'm willing to answer things.

[\Familiar\]: ah.. that's okay.. but.. thanks for this, I can use this information, and still thanks Cloak.

[\White Cloak\]: no problem Dear Familiar, all I can say is I'm just helping you learn something that you wanted to know.. oh well then again I still have something to do.. bye familiar

[\Familiar\]: okay.. bye cloak

. . .

' oh okay that's some data you can use '

That is some information.. but you are excited for this, you can't wait to see their battle in front of your eyes.. you just can't wait but..

' right now I'm going to enjoy my life! '

. . .

Surely you do..

[{ To be Continued }] く⁠コ⁠:⁠彡

<<Chapter 1.5 [{you here}] <- [{previous chapter}] Chapter 2 ->

[cartoonfanaticmonsterrobotalien]

How Do I Look in This Robe?

Note: Hey guys! I’m sorry about that vent post earlier. I needed to vent a little because of what happened two hours ago. But, I’m feeling better already. But, I came up with a new fanfic idea. So, I hope some you guys enjoy it.

Here’s the new Solar Opposites WG fanfic!:

Echoes: “Adding a few pounds I see” “You used to be so skinnier” “Blue Shrek”!

Ugh! Poor Korvo couldn’t get it these thoughts out of his head. Ever since he did work, Korvo started to add a few pounds, but he then started to feel sadden over his pudgy figure. He fears that he is getter fatter and fatter. He’s scared of getting shamed over his weight by his family and he was most of all tired of being skinny.

Well it just happened. Two weeks ago, Korvo have putted on so much weight ever since he ate those junk food during and has became morbidly obese. Despite, he can still walk but then notice his robe being torn a bit.

Morbidly Obese Korvo: Damn it! Another ruined robe! Ever I since I became this blue blob, my clothes started to stretch out a little.

Terry: overhearing him Huh?

Morbidly Obese Korvo: Life has been so hard for me lately ever since two weeks ago. sigh I don’t wanna look like a sumo wrestler if this keeps happening and-

Korvo then notice one of the engines collapsing and growls in frustration as he kept on getting to work. But then, opthe oiece of the machine fell on Korvo’s robe as it sprayed all over him. The robe then tears apart as Korvo gasp.

Morbidly Obese Korvo: No! My robe! My favorite robe!

Terry: Oh no honey! What happened?

Morbidly Obese Korvo: My favorite robe is ruined! Ever since I out on so much weight, it started to tear apart. Now it’s completely ruined! crying

Terry: Aw come on Korvo, life isn’t that bad!

Morbidly Obese Korvo: I just wish I was back to the way I was Terry. Before I become this….this…blob!

Korvo continue to bawl his eyes out but Terry looks at the robe and knows what to do. Later that night, Korvo continues to weep in his sleep, remembering the good times of his skinny self before he became obese. Then Terry came in.

Terry: Oh Korvy! Look what I got for you!

Morbidly Obese Korvo: Go away! You wouldn’t want to love a giant blob anyway! I’m impossible for you to live with.

Terry: Come on! That’s not true! I-

Korvo covers himself with the blankets as he continues to cry. Terry smiles sadly as he approached Korvo with something behind his back.

Terry: Aw honey, you know that’s not true. Fat as you immediately are, you’re still the same Korvo I know and love on the inside. When I first met you, my life changed even though we didn’t choose each other, this whole mission brought us together ever since we became a real family. All I see in my eyes is a brave Shlorpian, who always put his back to those who needs him. He is very amazing, smart and very brave. The way you lead us during this mission is very amazing, and I don’t wanna live a life without my Korvo. Because, he is still standing right next to me. Right here.

Terry points at Korvo, who started to stream tears of joy in his eyes as he started crying.

Terry: So, I notice how upset you were about your robe. So, I got you something to cheer you up.

Terry gets out a new robe, now that is fit for an obese Shlorpian. Korvo smiles and puts it on as he smiles at Terry.

Morbidly Obese Korvo: So how I do really look in this robe?

Terry: I think you look wonderful sweetie.

Terry kisses Korvo as he kisses Terry back. Korvo then falls asleep as Terry covers him up with a blanket and kisses him on the forehead. Because in his eyes, underneath that huge sumo-sized Shlorpian, is his life-Korvo.

The end

also, thanks for the comfort earlier guys when I was venting. I really appreciated it. I’ll see you all real soon! Goodnight 🌙

[middleearthpixie]

Wanted Man ~ Chapter Twenty-One

Summary: A price on his head, Loki of Asgard finds himself stranded on Earth and in need of one woman's help in order to free himself from the bounty and try to reclaim what he sees as his rightful throne in Asgard.

McKenna Carlin just wanted to put a horrible day behind her. She had no idea that things would get worse before they get better…

Pairings:  Loki Laufeyson x ofc McKenna Carlin

Characters:McKenna, Loki, Thor, Shannon, Tony, Agent Phil Coulson

Warnings: None

Rating: T

Word Count: 5.1k

Tag List: @fizzyxcustard @court-jobi @guardianofrivendell @piggledy-higgledy @evenstaredits

If you’d like to be added (or removed) to the tag list, please just let me know!

Previous chapters can be found here! 

For McKenna, adjusting to life returning back to normal took some doing. Sleeping became a rarer and rarer occurrence, as she often found herself wide awake at three in the morning, staring up at the ceiling, Cinder curled in a ball beside her.

And there were times when she thought she was going crazy. She’d swear she saw Loki from the corner of her eye, only to find that when she whipped around, he was never there. 

The nights were the worst. Not only was she not sleeping well, but when she did manage to doze off, she would dream of Loki and when she woke, her pillow would be wet with tears she hadn’t realized she shed and her head would ache and she’d lie awake until the sun streamed in through her windows.

“Where are you?” Scott asked one Friday night, about two months after her return, when she inadvertently poured peppermint schnapps instead of apple schnapps into what was supposed to be an apple martini.

“I’m sorry, Scott. I just… I don’t know. I’m not feeling so well.”

“Well then go home. I can’t afford to have you ruining any more drinks.”

“I know… I just…” Her throat squeezed shut and her eyes filled with tears. Damn it, she cried so easily now, and all the time. Why, just last night, she burst out bawling over some stupid commercial about back to school shopping.

“Look, I get it, Kenna,” Scott’s hands cupped her shoulders and he bent to meet her eye level. “Shay told me about the boyfriend. It sucks, but you have to let it go. He’s in jail and you can do a lot better than some guy in jail, right? Maybe it’s time to cut your losses and move on.”

Move on. In theory, perhaps, but in reality, it was not quite that simple. She absently ran her thumb along the band of the diamond ring still on her hand. “That’s much easier said than done, Scott.” She drew in a shaky breath and reached up to rub her forehead. “I’ll be all right.”

“You know, why don't you go home? Take a few days because I need you come Friday. Labor Day weekend? We’re gonna be packed.”

“Well, I’ve already missed—”

He waved off her protest. “I know. And maybe I’m going soft in my old age, but go home and get yourself sorted out, Kenna. Take a couple days and hopefully it’ll help.”

She nodded and dumped the ruined appletini and grabbed her purse from under the bar. Then, she pulled out a ten dollar bill and handed it to Scott. “For the drink.”

He waved it away, but she tossed it onto the bar and made her way around it to leave. Shannon stopped her just short of the door. “Go home and get some rest, Kenna. You look kinda green.”

“I know. I am and I’ll call you in the morning.” She kissed Shannon’s cheek and stepped out into a godawful, hot, steamy August night. 

Her car was parked down the street from a CVS and after a quick peek over her shoulder to make sure Shannon didn’t follow her, she ducked into it. It only took her a few minutes to find what she wanted and paid for it, and then hurried back to her car.

Cinder did his best to trip her as she came into the apartment, yowling for food. “Okay, okay,” she said, tossing her purse and bag on the counter and hurryied into the kitchen before the cat attacked her.

He dove into his food, his yowl becoming a contented purr, and she crouched to scratch him behind the ears before stretching across the counter to grab her phone and the bag.

She locked the bathroom door, although she didn’t know why, and her hands shook as she opened the box. It took three tries before she got the instructions unfolded, and on the third try, she ripped it along a fold. 

Five minutes later she was staring down at the counter, her stomach threatening to reverse itself even as a sense of budding excitement swelled through her.

The word was so small, but still unmistakable, all in capital letters spelling out one word:

PREGNANT

She didn’t know how long she sat there staring at that stupid little stick. The box came with a second one, so she took it as well. Now she had two sticks with the same tiny little word on it.

“Holy shit…” she breathed, rubbing her forehead with one hand. How the hell was she supposed to let Loki know he was going to be a father? Somehow, she didn’t think S.H.I.E.L.D. still had their little shop at the boardwalk up and running.

But, she did have Coulson’s number, or at least she hoped it was still his number. The crumpled business card was long gone, but she kept his number. Just in case. 

Her legs wobbled as she went back out to the kitchen and dug her phone from her purse, found Coulson’s number and hit send, her hands shaking the entire time.

“Agent Coulson.”

“Agent Coulson, it’s McKenna Carlin. I need to get a message to Thor. Can you do that for me?”

“Miss Carlin, I’m not an Asgardian answering service.”

“This is very, very important. Please.” She switched the phone to her other ear. “And I don’t mean like I have a hangnail important, but really, really important.”

“Is everything all right, Miss Carlin?”

“No. No, it isn’t and I need to see Thor. Soon.”

“Okay, Miss Carlin. I’ll do my best.”

“Do you have my number?”

“We do.” He clicked off and she dropped the phone as the enormity of those two sticks lounging on the bathroom counter hit her like a ton of bricks. 

But at the same time, perhaps this was what could change Odin's mind about keeping Loki in the dungeon? 

Or would she and the baby be in danger now instead?

She walked back into the living room, where she promptly began pacing, since her nerves would not let her be still. Thor would have a better grasp on what Odin's reaction might be, should he learn about the baby. Now all she had to do was wait. And that was the worst part.

But she didn’t have to wait long. Not more than half an hour after her phone call to Coulson, there came a knock at her door. Damn… that little man worked fast. 

She opened it to find Thor standing in the hallway, his red cape dusty and Mjölnir in his hand. She almost laughed at the absurdity of the scene, especially when he came inside and hung the hammer on the doorknob.

“Son of Coul said you needed to speak with me? What is it?”

“I really don’t think I should tell you first, but I need you get a message to Loki. Or better yet, if you could maybe sneak me in to see him? I need to talk to him and it’s very important.” 

He arched one golden brow. “I cannot smuggle you into the prison. How would I? Never mind if something happened and someone got out.”

“Then you need to find some way for me to talk to him. Please. I cannot even tell you how much I need to see him.”

Thor pulled back before she could touch him and shook his head. “It is out of my hands, Miss Carlin. I cannot—”

“Please! You must—” Her voice broke and hot tears stung her eyes. She tilted her head back, squeezing her eyes shut to try to hold them back. How could she make Thor see how important it was without actually telling him? “You don't get it and I know that, but I have to talk to him. It really is that important. Really. I promise you, it is.”

“So, why not just tell me then?”

Her head snapped up at the low, familiar pull of Loki's voice and her tears became those of joy as she snapped her head back to see Thor vanish in a veil of green mist and to find staring into Loki's beautiful blue eyes. “Ohhh… oh… God…” she stammered, her hand clapping over her mouth. “What… how…?”

“What did you have to tell me, love? Or can it wait a moment?” A slow smile pulled at his lips as he caught her by the hands.

At his first touch, she all but fell into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing with everything she had. “Oh my God… how is this even possible? Please, please tell me this isn’t a dream.”

“It’s no dream,” he whispered, lifting her up to meet his eyes. “And I will explain everything—”

She cut him off with a kiss that let loose every single emotion she’d experienced since seeing him dragged off in chains. His arms tightened about her as his lips parted and as her tongue met his, he groaned in the back of his throat.

He staggered back, thudding dully against the door, but never loosened his hold on her any more than she loosened hers on him. She slid her fingers into the cool length of his dark hair, tears sliding over her cheeks as she broke the kiss with a laugh that came out of nowhere and just hugged him. 

“I know it’s been a while, love,” he chuckled, his lips against her ear. “But I am fairly certain you aren’t supposed to be laughing at my kisses.”

“It was my kiss and I’m laughing because I can’t believe you’re here. How the hell did Coulson do this?”

“Son of Coul?” Loki pulled back with a puzzled look. “What does he have to do with anything?”

“I just talked to him a little while ago. Didn’t… I asked him to get word to Thor that I needed to see him. Or you.” She caught his face between her hands, just wanting to look at him. He was a bit thinner than the last time she saw him, and he looked tired, but other than that, he was every bit the handsome god she loved so much. Her eyes teared up again and she shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re really here.”

“Believe it, love. I’m here and I’m not leaving.” Holding her easily in one arm, he smoothed her hair away from her face, his fingers lingering against her cheek. “I’ve missed you, McKenna. More than you could ever possibly know.”

“Oh, I have a pretty good idea, Loki.” 

He smiled and kissed her again. This time, his kiss was hungry, and he scorched her with the passion behind it. He pushed away from the door and shifted to scoop her into his arms. Cinder meowed and between kisses, Loki whispered, “Not now, cat,” as he carried McKenna down the narrow hallway to her bedroom.

Loki gently pressed her down into her bed, covering her body with his. His lips moved gently along the curve of her neck, down over her collarbone, while he slid one hand beneath her black Scott’s Tavern tee shirt. His fingers were cool as they swept along her ribs, slid beneath her to run up along her. She shivered at the touch, so light and gentle, and yet powerful enough that she bit down hard on her bottom lip. 

His fingers just grazed the lower curve of her left breast and then he moved down, his kisses soft on her ribs, and a breathless laugh bubbled to her lips as he swept a kiss down the center of her stomach. Without thinking, she reached down, slid her fingers into his dark hair and her eyes remained on him as he spread those teasing kisses over and down, stopping at the waistband of her jeans.

He lifted his head to gaze at her with passion-smoked blue-green eyes. “I have never had the pleasure of undressing you, my love,” he murmured, hooking one finger over the button of her jeans. “And I shall rectify that at once.”

She smiled as he pressed a hot kiss into her lower belly. He shifted, brushing the tip of his tongue along her left hipbone as he slid the button through its hole. The zipper slid down, and he folded back the two sides, his breath warm against her skin as he murmured, “I do so love the lacy bits you wear,” in a husky voice.

She held her breath as he rose to tug the Levis from her hips. The velvety denim was like a caress as he slid it her legs, and she bit down on her bottom lip as he just let his gaze wander over her and a sinful smile curved his lips. 

“So beautiful,” he whispered, letting his fingers sweep gently up over her shins, over her knees, along the sensitive skin of her inner thighs. She sighed at the tingles rushing through her with each touch, at the way his eyes seemed to darken from blue to green as they moved along her.

He eased a finger beneath the scalloped lace edge of her thong and she sucked in a sharp breath. Then, he bent forward and there was nothing cold about his lips as they teased her left inner thigh. His tongue caressed the crease of her hip and thigh and her fingers twisted in his hair.

She realized how tightly she held the thick lock of black hair she held, and she released it immediately, whispering, “I’m sorry.”

Loki shook his head. “Don’t apologize,” he said as he hooked his forefinger in that delicate black lace to gently tug. “You didn’t hurt me, you know. Actually, I rather like knowing how strongly you react to my touch.”

“Loki, you have no idea.”

He tugged the lace from her hips and his smile turned feral. “Much as I like the lacy bits, I far prefer you like this, love.”

She shivered—a full body shiver as he dipped back down and at the first sensual stroke of his tongue against her most sensitive flesh, she didn’t care how hard she grabbed him. He left her breathless and on fire, her fingers twisting against in his hair to press him harder into her. Her hips rose to meet him, his name rose to her lips and her back bowed sharply as he pushed her over the edge.

“Loki!”

He held her there, suspended in time, her entire body humming with pleasure, and then, when she thought she’d go mad from it all, he gently brought her back to earth. She was breathless and fighting for air, tugging him to bring him up so she could wrap herself around him.

He obliged, but slowly, kissing his way up, just as he kissed his way down. He was leisurely and teasing, no matter how she pulled at his hair and, when that didn’t work, gripped the shoulders of his green and gold leather tunic. Tunic? Damn it, she had to get him out of his clothes and now!

He knelt between her knees and caught her hips with both hands, his thumbs pressing into her, and pushed her shirt over her ribs, and she bit back a breathless sigh at the cool brush of his lips against her skin. The tip of his tongue swept out against her, and then came the gentle nip, followed by a soft kiss.

This was his pattern as he moved upward, the soft tee shirt skimming over her breasts. She gave up tugging on him. There was no point. He was in no hurry and honestly? She didn’t care, it was far better to just lie back and enjoy those delicious sensations as they rippled through her, to savor them as they swelled and build off one another to create a fiery desire she hadn’t felt in a very long time. She wanted him with a fury that bordered on the maniacal, but if he was in no hurry, why on earth should she rush him? 

“Loki…”

“Mmmm?” he murmured, his lips teasing the right side of her ribs. 

“Oh, that feels so nice…”

He came up to whisk her tee shirt over her head. “More lacy bits,” he whispered, tracing the lacy edge of her left bra cup. “I am a fortunate man, indeed.”

“I hate to disappoint you,” she whispered back, “but pretty much all women wear bras.”

“But I doubt any of them look as ravishing as you, love,” he replied, his finger slipping beneath the bra cup to brush her breast. Her eyelids grew heavy as he inched further beneath it, easing her breast from it entirely.

He kneaded her breast gently, his thumb brushing her nipple, and when he bent to kiss her, she wrapped her arms about his neck. The air rushed from her as he rolled to pull her atop him. A moment later, he had her bra unhooked, his voice heavy with seductive triumph as he murmured, “On the first attempt, no less.”

“Very smooth. Now, how do I get you out of this?” she breathed into his ear as she tugged at the front of his tunic. “Because it definitely needs to go.”

He pulled away to grin wolfishly at her. “But I’m not finished with you yet.”

“Loki.” She tried to scowl at him, but couldn’t quite manage it. “I’ve missed you just as much, you know.”

He rocked back. “It would take me far too long to allow you to undress me, McKenna. But, I promise you, when I’m in your Midgardian clothes, you may indulge in undressing me as slowly as you wish.”

With that, he twitched his fingers and her jaw almost dropped as his clothes simply disappeared. She reached down to let her fingers slide down over his chiseled, smooth belly. His skin was so cool to the touch, the muscles like slabs of marble beneath it. 

She bent to brush a kiss over his chest. Then another. And another still as she inched her way down. His hands came to rest on her back, his fingers stroking her gently as he whispered, “Oh, love… what you do to me. You bring the most wicked of thoughts to my mind.”

“Do I?” She moved over the ridge of his hip. “Then I’m doing something right.”

“Oh, Midgardian,” the air rushed from him as she moved and his voice grew throatier as he added, “you most definitely are.”

She smiled as she continued teasing him, using his sighs and groans as an indicator of how he enjoyed her attentions. Then, he caught her, tugging her back up into his arms. His lips seized hers, hot and hungry, and he flipped her onto her back, then surged up between her thighs to fill her with one sensually long stroke.

Her back bowed with his first powerful thrust and that was all it took. She melted around him, legs about his waist, arms about his neck, fingernails sinking deep into his back. She met his rhythm, his name a breathless cry on her lips as he surged hard inside her. 

He drew back just enough to capture her lips in a long, deep kiss. She clung to him as he thrust faster and when they went over that glorious summit, Loki broke that kiss to growl, “McKenna!”

He sank against her, his body trembling and as she slid her arms about him, she whispered, “Oh, Loki… Oh, God…that… oh, that was amazing…”

He nodded, still fighting for his breath, which came across her skin as short, hard blasts.  His head came to rest on her breast, which he kissed gently and murmured, “I do so love you.”

She smiled up at into the darkness, tears stinging her eyes. But for the first time in two months, they were happy tears and they slid back into her hair as she brokenly whispered, “I love you, too.”

He lifted his head, his eyes tender as he murmured, “Are you crying, Midgardian?”

“Tears of happiness this time, I promise,” she replied, reaching up to stroke his hair away from his face. “I thought I was never going to see you again.”

“I wouldn’t allow that.”

“You didn’t have much of a choice.”

“True. But I was not about to let a little thing like a dungeon prevent it, either. Not even Odin’s prison could keep me from you in the end.” He kissed her forehead. “And now I am here and we have much lost time to make up for. Tell me, how much hot water does your shower offer?”

She smiled. “Not nearly as much as the Winchester, I’m afraid.”

“We’ll make do.” 

As he settled back against her, his head cradled by her breast, she drew her fingers along the black sheen of his hair. Her thoughts whirled with the magnitude of what she had to tell him, but the words were a jumble in her mind. 

She took a deep breath. “Loki?”

“Yes, love?” he murmured, not lifting his head.

“There’s something we need to talk about. Now that you’re here and all.”

“Is something wrong?” His voice held a hint of suspicion.

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“Do you like children?”

Now he lifted his head. “I beg your pardon?”

“I asked if you like children.”

“I don’t know any, but I don’t think I’d dislike them.” His eyes glittered in the glow of the bathroom nightlight. “Why?”

“Well, that’s kind of why I needed Thor to come here.” She curved her hand against his cool, smooth cheek. “You’re going to be a father.”

Confusion clouded his eyes. “What?”

She nodded. “I’m going to have a baby, Loki.” She traced her fingertip along his bottom lip. “We’re going to have a baby.”

“You mean to say that you… and I… A child, McKenna?” He waited for her to nod, and then he hurriedly slid off her to stretch out beside her. “How—when—you—”

She laughed as his eyes cleared of all confusion and filled with something that looked very much like wonder. He slid his hand over her hip, letting it come to rest between both hipbones. “Are you certain?”

“I’m positive, Loki. I was late, so I bought a pregnancy test. Two, actually. And both came back positive.” She covered her hand with his. “They’re still in the bathroom, if you want to see them for yourself.”

He shook his head, his gaze going to his hand on her belly, whispering, “A child,” in a disbelief-laden voice.

Her stomach fluttered as the next words came to her lips. “How do you feel about that, Loki? I know it has to be a bit of a shock, but—”

“How do I feel about it?” He turned to look at her, but his expression was unreadable. “It’s the last thing I expected you to say, to be honest.”

Her heart sank and a hint of nausea rose in the back of her throat. “I know. It was a surprise to me as well.”

“But, as to how I feel about it—” To her surprise, he lifted their hands from her belly, and bent to press a gentle kiss where his hand had been. Then, he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed that. 

Finally, he came back up to her and whispered, “I love you.” He pressed his forehead to hers. “And I look forward to this new life we’ve created, be it a boy or a girl.”

“Do you, really? Like I said, I know you weren’t expecting this but—”

“Hush, McKenna, and worry not about how I feel. I think it amazing. A surprise, yes, but a very welcome one.” He pressed his hand against hers, palm to palm, and entwined their fingers. “Tell me, though, would you have told Thor to pass the word along or would you have told me yourself?”

“I wanted to tell you, before I told anyone else. I would have only told him if there had been no other option.”

His thumb swept along hers. “You do realize, if this child is a girl, I will kill any boy who comes near her.”

“You’ll do no such thing.” She squeezed his hand. “Will you teach him or her your magic?”

“Absolutely.” He grinned. “You may come to fear what tricks may be played on you, though.”

“Wonderful.” She sank back against the pillows and smiled at him. “Try not to make me too crazy, okay?”

He bent and swept a kiss over her belly again and then came up to stretch out beside her again. “I promise nothing. I am the God of Mischief, remember.”

 As he spoke, he pulled her into his arms and she sank into him, snuggling her head against his chest. “So, how are you here, then? I mean, if Coulson didn’t tell Thor?”

He kissed the top of her head. “Thor helped me escape. Again.”

“How?”

“How do you think?”

She looked up at him and smiled. “Captain America again?”

“No. But as an Asgardian guard.”

“Try saying that five times.” When he gave her a puzzled look, she added, “It’s a joke. Your tongue will twist trying to say it five times.”

“Oh, I assure you, love, my tongue never twists.” He gave her a seductive smile. “Unless I want it to, that is.”

She shivered at the promise in his voice. “Is that so?”

“Absolutely.” He gently eased her onto her back again, and covered her body with his. He leaned in until his lips just brushed hers, and whispered, “Do you have to work in the morning?”

She shook her head. “No. Not until Friday. Why?”

“Because I’m planning on keeping you up far too late this evening.” His voice lowered to a whisper and he kissed her lightly. “As I said, we’ve much lost time to make up for.”

“We can sleep until noon if we wish,” she replied.

“Oh, I wish.” He kissed along her temple, and she shivered as his breath came lightly along her ear and he whispered, “I wish to hear you cry out my name again as I love you from here,” he kissed along her jaw line and down her neck, “to here,” his lips moved over her breast and down her ribs, “to here…”

Here made her suck in a sharp breath and her back bowed sharply again. Her god most definitely had a silver tongue and left her aching for him. For all of him.

He obliged and as he slid inside her, he caught her hands in his, pinned them to the bed on either side of her head, and laced his fingers with hers. His eyes held hers, soft and tender, as he began moving inside her again, with slow, carefully controlled thrusts. 

Her eyelids grew so heavy, but she refused to yield to them. She didn’t want to miss one moment of this, didn’t want to miss the slightest flicker of pleasure that crossed his face, or the way the muscle in his jaw bulged from the effort it must have taken for him to thrust so slowly. 

“I love you,” he growled, squeezing her hands.

“I—” She gasped as they neared that amazing edge—“I love you, too…”

Whereas the last time, he crushed her close and surged hard into her, this time, he was every bit as tender as he promised he’d be. He moaned softly, shuddered, and as he peaked with her, his forehead pressed into hers, his eyes locked with hers, and she felt him all the way to the center of her soul. This was love—love like she never dreamed could really exist, but was only dreamed up by poets and writers to appeal to the dreamers in everyone.

He arched hard, and then sank against her, burying his face in the slope of her neck to kiss her softly. Only then did he let show how much effort it took for him to remain so controlled as his breathing was ragged about the edges. She stroked his hair with a trembling hand as she whispered, “Hmm… so hard to believe you are the same man who demanded a thousand people kneel before you.” She traced her fingernails lightly down over his nape and along his left shoulder, laughing softly as he shivered. “Especially when you tremble at my touch. Perhaps you should kneel before me?”

“No one else will ever see this side of me,” he replied sleepily, lifting his head to smile at her. “Although, if I were you, I wouldn’t be gloating quite so, since I do intend to have you on your knees at some point this night.”

“Is that so?”

“Darling girl, I certainly hope so.” He eased one hand from hers and shifted off her. As she yawned, he tugged her up against him, nestling her back against his chest. “But if not tonight, definitely another. It will happen.”

She rubbed one eye, her post-coital drowsiness becoming full-blown exhaustion. It was one of the longest days she could remember and although it ended more wonderfully than she ever would have hoped, she was still wiped out. 

But on the other hand, she was still apprehensive of going to sleep, afraid that she would awake to find that this had all been yet another dream and she would be alone. Loki wrapped his arms about her, smoothing her hair away from her left ear as he murmured, “Are you asleep?”

“No,” she murmured drowsily, peering up at him. “I’m just… it’s silly…”

“What is?”

“I think I’m dreaming and when I open my eyes, you’ll be back on Asgard again.”

“I won’t be, love. I promise you, I will be right here when you awake. And I promise not to try to cook any more bacon.”

She laughed softly. “I still have to replace that stupid smoke detector.”

He lifted his left arm and swished his fingers. “Done.”

As that hand slid back over her belly, she sighed and snuggled back into his chest. “I could get spoiled by this.”

His palm skimmed gently over her stomach. “I look forward to being able to spoil you, McKenna. I’ve the feeling not many men have.”

“Some. But not many.”

“I will make you forget any other man ever touched you, love. That any other man ever hurt you. That any other man ever made you feel unworthy of being loved.” He whispered these words, but there was no denying the ferocity behind them. 

His arms tightened about her and he pressed a gentle kiss into her temple. “Sleep now, darling. I promise you I will be here when you wake.”

She nodded, her eyes closing as sleep crept over her like a stealthy cat. For the first time in eight weeks, she slept without dreaming and in utter peace.

[cypressxoxo]

Uh nightowl fluff comfort thingy

Kinda female MC thingy. I wrote the word 'chick' so I guess that's what MC is here (I glanced at this and copy-pasted it, I have no idea what this actually is lol)

You walk into your house crying your damn eyes out, and your roommate immediately rushes down the stairs to greet you. His bleach-blonde hair bounces a bit as he zooms down the steps with a big smile. 

That is, until he sees your face.

“Welcome home, cuti— woah, woah, MC, what happened?” Concern floods his face as he looks into your puffy eyes with furrowed brows. “Who made you cry? Do they need to die? Do you want them to?” His hands cup your blotchy red face and he searches your eyes, looking for approval to murder someone rather than looking for a real answer. 

“Owl… Everything is going to shit!” You wipe your eyes with your sleeves, still sobbing to the point where you can’t see diddly squat. “My dad is sick, my mom keeps leaning on me, and I can’t do a damn thing! I can’t make him feel better! He’s hated me for years, since I didn’t go to college! I just… I can’t think when all this is happening!” You bury your face in your hands, not wanting him to see any more of your tears. He still hears your distress, though.

“Oh, cutie… I’m so sorry…” He sighs and pulls you in close to his chest, trying his best to soothe you. “You can’t help if you can’t do anything about things… I’m so so sorry…” 

You relax in his arms, enjoying his company already, and you just got there. Your crying even calms down a bit. Now you’re reduced to sniffles. Nightowl gently grabs your cheeks again, smiling at you. 

“You know what’s really crazy about this?” You sniff before asking, “what?”

“Even bawling your fucking eyes out, your still so beautiful… Just look at your fat ass anime chick tears!” He laughs as he stares into your eyes, earning one from you next. Now not only is your entire face damp with tears; but you also have a huge smile stretched across your face. Only Nightowl can get you like this…

[raisinghellonstarbug]

OK so I just wished to express this because I don't do it very often but feel the need to right now, even though it's actually hard to do so and put into words so I'll do my best, hopefully without sounding too disgustingly fan girly...

Basically Sam Fender is someone who despite being from a whole different part of England to me, is someone who as a person alongside his music, I could not relate to anymore to than I already do.

I have had the privilege of being able to express my adoration a little and was shocked when he responded to me over Instagram last year, but man I don't think he would even know the half of it if I could actually tell him all of it in person.

I just know I would find it difficult, I would stutter because of nerves and he would probably find it too overwhelming and somehow I would probably make him feel uncomfortable because I am good at that, and I think there's a reason I haven't met my absolute favourite actors/musicians for this very reason 🤣🤣 but yeah I would struggle for probably an hour or two before I would eventually calm down and be able to chat to him like an actual fucking normal person!

So instead I am letting it out to this tumblr void and letting it be here for just my thoughts and for anyone who might be slightly interested.

Sam Fender is like a mind reader. Like he really feels like he knows my life for real. I mean similarities are definitely there where my parents struggled financially when I was a child. I had an estranged relationship with my dad for years despite choosing to live with him when I was 10. My mum walked out on us and I was broken for years. I got bullied at school for years as well and although it's called "Dead Boys", I was nearly a Dead Girl that couldn't be explained, except I just wanted to die at 17.

Seventeen Going Under was really the hitting point for me. I really was 17 and going under in life. I was a mess. And then Spit of You made me bawl my eyes out when I first heard it because those lyrics alongside the music video was just pure dynamite for me, like everything that I wish I could express, but he has done it better than me.

I've considered the music route and have been told I am a good singer and a good writer, but damn, did I struggle to keep myself motivated to teach myself guitar. I did ok but then kind of gave up on it because I didn't think I could get very far.. I was watching my dad have mental breakdowns almost everyday which clouded my motivations. I still consider sometimes whether I try and pick it up again and play at an open mic night. One day I might. The closest I have come as of late so far is on karaoke nights working at the pub and only then do I sing my heart out besides at home 😄

His political views are a part of it too. Our political system is fucked and he expresses that brilliantly too with Long Way Off and Aye. I mean Hypersonic Missiles and White Privilege as well but they're more worldwide explanations. The left (Labour) and right (Conservatives) don't appeal to me either way. We need a whole revamp.

Basically this fella from North Shields is like a gift to me and to many others. I just wish he could know this without me sounding like a creepy fucker. He's just awesome in general really and I guarantee that if I wasn’t so awkward with celebrities and could actually keep my cool when I usually can, I would happily have a good old chinwag with him, just talk about life and have a few bevvies.

I mean hell, the actual dream would be to duet a song with him ❤ he would play guitar and I would sing. It's not expected though and seems like such a long shot to ever actually happen, and while I saw him perform at Ally Pally in London in November 2021, I did not get lucky in catching him after the gig. Maybe one day I will but then he would probably be super famous by then. He definitely deserves all the attention anyway!

So yeah. That was what I was thinking about this morning of all things 😅

I love you Sam Fender, even though you have no idea who I am.

Peace,

Luna x

[flameontheotherside]

Again...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! PT. 2

Part 1 here

🚨😒 If you can't handle someone needing to vent or let off steam, keep scrolling! 🫢🚨

I'm so sorry for the depression gravy train but I need to get this fuckshit off my chest. I literally feel like my heart was ripped out of it, stomped on and fed to a fucking crocodile in a pit.

Now we get to Erik...Fun fun fun...

So my mom ruined my childhood, I get literally fucked over by a predator, bullied to the point I couldn't go to the mall and bullied at school for letting the predator near me because my "best friend" had to tell everyone that he was married and gave me herpes which wasn't true. Had just overall shitty and predatory bfs because of my lack of education. Mind you I'm an autistic bipolar ADHD tourretic CHILD\YOUNG ADULT so of course I had no idea these men were bad. I had one relatively decent relationship and I'm still close with him today.

Then Erik died. I knew he was dead and I LITERALLY FELT THAT SHIT. Even though a psychic warned me about it just months before it happened, I bawled my eyes out, I shoved it under the rug and forgot until I felt his presence and it freaked me the fuck out. I'm not going to get into the details of that night I felt he was gone for the millionth time.

I had a fucked up shitty upbringing. My mom NEVER said "I love you". During all that abuse and shit I went through (explained in pt 1) at the end of the day all I wanted was Erik since I was 11. I didn't know why but it made me anxious. I was always intuitive. It runs in my family apparently. I saw dead people, pets and spoke with my late grandmother but I didn't understand why I needed the Internet so bad to find him.

Not getting the love I needed, I still held on to the hope that my life would get better. All I had to do was find him. Heartbreak after heartbreak. The hope was still there but when he died and I felt that in my soul, I just knew everything I had done was for nothing and my life was over. I remember thinking back and completely falling apart over it. There was no way it could be explained because I couldn't believe it myself so I dealt with it with drugs and alcohol and 3 emotionally abusive relationships spanning 10 years.

Erik told me about why he killed himself.

I sort of new it already and didn't want to address it in the open. Since I can hear him now it felt and hit differently. He said that he had a series of dreams about my higher self. She visited him and he fell in love with her. She was who he met with after he died. I didn't really believe it at first but I thought maybe it's plausible that maybe there are some things I still haven't learned. It hurt because it felt like the stupidest thing I've ever fucking heard.

Irregardless he killed him self after Ive had my own suicide attempts from the abuses. What completely fucked me up and tore me apart was that my life was a constant living hell and I spent so much time looking for him. Which doesn't matter because I wasn't supposed to find him anyways. Fine, whatever but still. It's the fact he fucking killed himself over something so fucking trivial.

I was in constant and consistent heartbreak and it didn't stop after his death. It got worse for 10 more years. He visited me in dreams and I just ignored them because there was no benefit in it. All the abuse and being taken advantage of, losing my friends, being bullied by my own family, have no guidance for all my problems, I NEVER felt loved by someone who was supposed to love me and protect me. All I got was gaslighting, blame and coldness from my own "mother".

He killed himself.

He FUCKING killed himself.

It pisses me the fuck off because he didn't have to do that. It's not about the fact I couldn't find him because it wasn't supposed to happen anyways (what was the point then?), it's the fact I had gone through LITERAL hell and he sought it to end his contract his damn self and despite everything I've gone through, I have not.

I'll be fucking damned.

So yeah today hasn't been a good emotional day. I understand why I had to go through this. I need to understand why I have so much anger and hatred for myself in order to "believe" in myself which is apparently so important when working with the other side. I had to really look deeper at why I'm so heartbroken about Erik and I guess I hear his side of the story that I'm not completely sure about.

He ended his contract himself. That's it. That's the reason I've been so heartbroken. He's dead and my traumas have ensured that my life was hell for 32 years. Sure things are good now. I have a family and a good fiance but every time I see a happy couple it chokes me up. I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if my mother would have just loved me.

😘💕Hada

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Tuesday, March 5th, 2024!

1:07am: Just going to keep journaling so I don't go insane. My ex keeps jerking me around and I can't continue to care. He's so wrapped up in his own emotion, he will never be capable of actually being a good friend. He never asks if I'm ok or tries to make casual conversation, it's just all about him and his constant state of drama. I just can't relate to him anymore and I can't continue on the way I've been trying to. There's literally not much I can control or change about this situation, I can only be responsible for how I react to it I guess.

On another note, I finished my laundry! Tomorrow I will get up, take a shower, shaving is not necessary I just need to clean myself so literally no pressure. Drink some water, take my vitamin, hang out with my cats. Probably take a tums bc my farts are DEADLY rn and I don't know why RIP. If I do shave it would probably just be my coochie tbh. Some light weed whacking lmao. If I keep farting like rotten eggs I'm definitely not making any man plans tomorrow 🤣 I cantttttt haha

I think tomorrow I might clean out my closet now that it's clean?? There's so many items I never wear tbh. Maybe shave up to my knees and get a pedicure?? Maybe go on FB marketplace or thrift for some nightstand things or some dollar tree cubbies for this stuff I've had on the floor forever. I just randomly remembered my coats are in my trunk and I feel like I'm gonna forget where they are. Maybe return those things to the library omg and go to bath n body works and get real deodorant and laundry detergent

So many thoughts going through my mind omg I just had diarrhea while writing this 😭 please go away tummy problems. I wonder if it was me pounding tajin with my margarita I literally don't know.

I need to figure out where I wanna take myself out to before the show tomorrow! Aaaaa so many possibilities!! This week has already been so perfect and it's not over yet! I love my life! It's so crazy to love my life after going through so much trauma but here I am, stronger than ever!! :) I'm so proud of myself ❤️

8:57am: Nah tell me why I got on tinder this morning (early bird 🤣) and damn these guys are just ehh. Idk how tf I'm ever gonna take any of them seriously again. I'm just pretty hardened after everything, not really in a bad way, but in a needed way if you ask me. I feel like I don't know what I'm looking for lol I feel like if you know what you're looking for, you go out and pursue it?? But idk so it's more challenging. Tbh I just want to have fun like I'm in my fboi era fr. Curving dudes when they get serious n shit 💀

9:40am: ok time to get up lmao. I'll find a guy eventually so actually no rush 🤣 I got my two little furry boys and that's what really matters. I want to get all gussied up today just bc I can. Lil man bawling his eyes out not being able to speak to me anymore bc he knows he fucked up is a crazy way to live. Having to live with the guilt of cheating on someone.... Couldn't be me 🙄😂

I get to continue my life knowing that I'm a bomb af gf and anyone would be damn lucky to have me (once they get to know me!) if I don't meet people then they'll never know! I got ppl who don't even speak English wanting another date fr.

11:02pm: I'm just gonna keep shooting my shot until something sticks I think. I really do believe it's a numbers game anymore, if you talk to 0 ppl or put all your eggs into 1 basket likeeee you're not going to get far and it's gonna take 500 years, 100 years to even get a date at that rate. I wanna be like that girl who went on what 50 dates in a year?? Like go off queen 💅 at least you'll have 50 stories to tell if nothing else haha, plus I need the practice ong.

I like the journaling instead of trying to text him, it's so much better. N+T were right, he just needs to learn his lesson, that's so sad your friend literally had to say that about his best man like if my MOH turned out to be a flaming bag of shit like how embarrassing (for the POS) and seriously sad and fucked up :( .

[myownwholewildworld]

okay someone come and hold me for one damn second, pat my head and tell me everything's gonna be okay because WHAT THE FUCKTUAL FUCK MATE. all that yearning, all the longing, all the freaking feels — i felt EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. as if i was Javi himself.

this whole story is so tragic, so full of misunderstandings, so intricate and elaborate that my mind is literally blown to fucking pieces. you can follow Javi’s thought process to the T, his insecurities and his hopes, but also his fears and his true love for her. how he thinks himself somewhat undeserving?? idk just rip my heart out and end this suffering already because i don‘t think i can take it anymore.

leaving some of my fav bits under the cut bc i’ve been manically crying and laughing like that one pedro gif for the last 10 minutes, thank you very much.

Somehow Javier has the feeling that this is what love must feel like, though he’s never felt it before.

like he’s so young and he already KNOWS. she’s his first and last love. period. i dare you to try to change my mind.

Yours is all he really knows how to be.

this one??? art. fucking art. a picasso made words.

He’ll tell you. He’s going to tell you. He has to tell you.

the way i was actually screaming at my screen “TELL HER” ain’t normal, ain’t sane, but hey ho i’ve not been mentally stable since i read part 1.

It sucks the ocean from him, dries his every river and vein, leaves his tongue thirsty as a sponge—how you love him in not quite the right way.

SHE DOES LOVE YOU THE RIGHT WAY, JAVI. SHE DOES. CAN’T YOU SEE IT? CAN’T YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT??? <gets possessed by Elton John>

I’m sorry I left you, too. […] believing with a dark heart that you’ve denied him in the way he always feared you would.

brb I was bawling my eyes out by this point. picturing him waiting for a call back that never came??? i can never rest in peace after this.

A man of his word, Chucho puts the ring that for decades sat on his wife’s hand in the kitchen drawer for Javier that evening, and for the better part of a week Javier checks it’s still there twice a day like it might suddenly sprout legs and run off.

PERDÓN?????? THE WAY I CHOKED WITH MY OWN SPIT? NOT EVEN FUNNY. i almost unalived myself. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HE WAS GOING TO PROPOSE? tell me there is an alternate universe where this happens, and reader says yes. otherwise i’ll never believe in true love again, like ever.

But it isn’t his at all—it’s your heart that Javier feels ripping into two clean halves.

hers and mine both. deceased.

“You’re here,” you say, your voice half hope and half broken glass, and he knows right then—though he’s yet to see the ring already sitting on your hand—that he won’t be reaching for his mother’s ring. You won’t be taking it.

a lost soul wandering this dead earth, that’s what i am rn. a shadow of what i once was before i started reading this fic.

look, i don’t really know how this masterpiece is going to end. i truly don’t — a happy ending? a sad one? an angsty one? but i do pray, wish, beg, implore & yearn for the first one. because they deserve to be happy together — and so do we after all this suffering lmao. BUT jokes aside, however it ends, happy ending or not, i know it’s going to be fucking epic & worth it, and i know i’m gonna love it even through all the tears i’ll shed. I CAN’T WAIT FOR PART 3 EEEEEEK.

okay bye now, see y’all on the other side. 🫡

DARK HEART

an I'LL CARRY YOU one shot

RATING: Explicit (18+) | PAIRING: Javier Peña x f!Reader WORD COUNT: 4.5k CW: Mild allusion to smut, mention of drinking, and a fuck ton of yearning.

SUMMARY: A retelling of part II from Javier's point of view.

part I & II | series masterlist | series on ao3 | main masterlist

Your body melts against his, but with you it’s always been easy in a way it never is with anyone else. Like your bodies knew each other from the second you met. Like meeting wasn’t meeting, but coming home. You lean forward to nudge your beer onto the coffee table, then return to lay one arm across Javier’s hips and set him on fire. Every cell of him begs for you, howling and needy as a dog—don’t you feel it? It feels like you must. It’s on the tip of his tongue now, just has to spit it out. I don’t love her I’m leaving her I just want you.

READ DARK HEART ON AO3.

dividers by @thecutestgrotto - tag list & some mutuals below the cut!

@pedritosgfreal @thundermartini @guiltyasdave @jolapeno @reluctanthalfwayoptimism 

@myownwholewildworld @sunnytuliptime @indiegirlunited @anoverwhelmingdin @pedrospatch

@perotovar @pedgito @harriedandharassed @casssiopeia @sweetpascal 

@noisynightmarepoetry @pedritosgfreal @theoraekenslover @luxurychristmaspudding @kyberblade

@itsokbbygrl @wannab-urs @milla-frenchy @yopossum @beezusvreeland

@katw474 @bluesweaters15 @jessthebaker @encasedinobsidian @ppascalrain

@yxtkiwiyxt @schnarfer @bbyanarchist @amanitacowboy @iknowisoundcrazy

[thecatboyfriend-moved]

.

[kaiwewi]

Time After Time: [hero version]

This is one of two new versions of the snippet formerly known as #4. The original contained head-hopping and I wasn't satisfied with the narration distance either, so I wrote an improved version of this scene from both characters' pov respectively. For the villain's pov, check out the [villain version].

Synopsis: they are not friends anymore, and yet, when the hero is mourning their father’s death, the villain can’t bear to stand idly by.

“Who died?”

The hero flinched, ripped out of the thoughts swirling around their foggy mind. The familiar voice tore at their insides like they’d swallowed a handful of broken glass, churning in their gut like needles and fire, as they whirled around a tad too fast and almost lost their balance.

Why did it have to be the villain? Why here of all places? And why did it have to be today? Wasn’t that just cruel? – As if they hadn’t suffered enough.

They swallowed the lump in their throat and clenched their fists in preparation for a fight they couldn’t see themself winning. Not today. Not here. Not when they hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten, hadn’t even noticed the villain approach. And perhaps the most damning of it all: despite everything, they hadn’t even considered the possibility the villain might seize the opportunity.

Oh, but if this day was to end in blood, they wouldn’t be the only one to bleed.

The villain, however, raised their hands in a placating gesture and nothing in their stance spoke of threats and hostility. “Easy! I didn’t come to pick a fight with you,” the villain said, and looked like they meant it. “Not on a graveyard. I can see absolutely no merit in disrespecting the dead. Seems distasteful, no?”

Still wary, but somewhat pacified, the hero allowed their shoulders to relax. “Ah, right,” they mumbled and lowered their eyes.

Was it wrong to feel relieved?

Yes, it was.

It was wrong, cataclysmically, when their relief revolved less around avoiding a physical confrontation and more around not having misjudged the villain’s integrity. Because the mere idea the villain might stoop this low had felt too crushing an act of treason when there shouldn’t have been any trust left between them to betray.

“Who died?” the villain repeated, hauntingly tender, in the voice of a friend the hero still occasionally met in their dreams even after all those years.

Their gaze shifted to the fresh grave a few metres behind them, covered with a number of decorative floral arrangements left by the people who’d attended the funeral earlier.

Was it bizarre or fitting to gift beauty so fleeting as that of flowers in the face of a horror as irrevocable and eternal as death? They couldn’t imagine dead people would care for flowers. Their father had certainly never cared for flowers in his lifetime, and even death wouldn’t change a man that set in his ways.

They’d always joked he’d survive them – too stubborn to die. They’d been wrong.

“My dad,” the hero murmured. “He had a heart attack last week.” They almost choked on the words and had to fight back new tears.

It was a losing battle.

How a few more tears now could feel that shameful a defeat, they couldn’t fathom. It seemed odd, considering the many other times the villain had seen them during their most vulnerable moments. On countless occasions, their former friend had comforted them when they’d been bawling their eyes out over some idiotic little things that now seemed so trivial.

There probably wasn’t a single person they had cried in front of more often.

Somehow that made it so much worse.

“I’m sorry to hear it,” the villain said politely, a sad little frown on their face, “you have my condolences.”

Well, if that didn’t sound petty and hollow…. Just a few more empty phrases to be added to all those they’d already heard today.

They snorted mirthlessly and grasped for that tiny spark of anger underneath all the hurt. Because anything would be better than even more tears. “You are kidding, right? We both know you never liked my father.”

The villain grimaced. “True, I can’t say I did. But, in my defence, he wasn’t exactly a fan of mine either.”

“Oh, that’s quite an understatement, don’t you think?” Calling it an understatement was in itself an understatement. “My dad absolutely hated you.”

Quite unexpectedly, their childhood friend chuckled. The familiar sound made their heart lurch and it took them a breathless moment to reign in their emotions and clear their head.

This person in front of them wasn’t their friend.

Not anymore.

And yet the villain still possessed that mellow smile and those cute dimples they used to find so adorable.

“Yeah, he did despise me, didn’t he?” The villain rolled their eyes dramatically and that wry smirk spreading on their face was another heavy dose of nostalgia. “Remember that one time, when we tried to ‘borrow’ one of his chickens?”

As if they would ever be able to forget that…

Bringing it up now really wasn’t fair.

A sentimental smile appeared on their face. “We stole the key to the hen cope. Everything went perfectly according to plan, and then Dad spotted us from the balcony. Just as we were about to abscond with the bird.” They shook their head and huffed, not quite a laugh but dangerously close. “God, Dad was totally furious.”

The villain snorted. “Yeah, at me! First, he only yelled, telling me how I was such a bad influence on you” – their childhood friend shot them a mock exasperated look, a bit overdone with that hand-on-heart gesture – “and then he tried to murder me!”

“No, he didn’t! He merely—” They bit down hard on their lip, trying to stifle the laugh threatening to spill. This wasn’t funny, or at least it shouldn’t be. They shouldn’t even have a conversation like this, let alone enjoy the villain’s weird antics.

“You’re grossly exaggerating!” they protested, and it wasn’t so much a question of honest opinion as the pressing and perhaps silly urge to banter with the villain. “He only threw a couple shoes at you.”

“One of his damn boots hit the back of my head! You have no idea how much that hurt!” the villain complained indignantly, crossing their arms in front of their chest. “Plus, stealing the stupid chicken wasn’t even my idea. That was all on you!”

Now, that point they couldn’t argue. It had indeed been their idea. Just like pretty much all of the other terrible ideas that had ever landed the two of them in trouble.

Okay, they had to admit this was funny. A little bit.

And was it so wrong to not feel like crying for a few minutes? Was it so wrong to enjoy themself? Even if it was with the villain. Even if this was nothing more than pity. Wasn’t it okay to be selfish, just this once?

They did allow themself to laugh then, and it warmed their chest like a sip of their favourite tea while they let it slowly turn into a chuckle, then a hum. “That day, we were in such a hurry to get away, we forgot to close the door to the hen cope. Do you remember that? Those damn birds were suddenly all over the yard. It was quite a mess.”

“Yeah, of course I do!” The villain smiled. “Wasn’t it such a pain to catch them afterwards?”

Not nearly as much of a pain as getting their friend to stop whining about their headache…

“It was kind of fun actually, don’t you think?” Grinning, they turned, just in time to see something raw and desperate flit across the villain’s face.

“I miss you!” the villain blurted and instantly went pale.

They watched a myriad of emotions wash across their former friend’s panicked face.

For what it was worth, considering the audacity of turning up and pretending everything was fine between them, emotional manipulation had never been the villain’s modus operandi. Their former friend clearly hadn’t meant to go this far; they looked more shook than the hero felt.

Which meant it was true.

The villain averted their gaze and took a tentative step back. “Please, forget I said that.”

As if that was an option. As if it didn’t already rip them to pieces. As if they could pretend today hadn’t existed when next they met; as if they could both just go back to fists and insults right after establishing they hadn’t in fact irreparably moved on yet from kisses and cuddles.

They stared in disbelieve as their perhaps-not-quite former friend mumbled an apology and made to flee.

And yeah, there was absolutely no way they were letting this go! As if they’d allow the villain to casually drop by, make them laugh, and remind them of why and just how much they’d adored their best friend – only for the villain to run off afterwards like the easily-spooked little scaredy-cat they apparently still were, if deep down.

“Wait!”

They gripped the villain by the shoulder and pulled them back, wrapped their arms around the villain’s torso, and buried their face in the crook of the villain’s neck – and met next to no resistance.

“Hero, I should go.” Gentle fingers pushed meekly against their arms.

“Villain, please.” Their voice was barely more than a whisper; they shifted just enough to make eye contact. “I miss you too.”

Don’t you dare leave me again!

Warm breath fanned against their cheek. A small smile curved their lips when the villain went still again in their arms. They tightened the embrace and could feel a heart beating, quick and excited, against their chest; whose they weren’t sure.

“You’re not thinking straight,” their friend implored, caring and kind. Ever so considerate of the hero’s feeling. “You’ll regret this.”

Maybe they would, but that didn’t matter. Because the villain was still the same – still theirs.

Soft-hearted and tender.

So easy to take advantage of.

“I don’t care,” they promised and stole what would be the first of many kisses.

———

For my other stories, visit my [MASTERLIST] ♥

[chuuyrr]

Hii✨✨

I'm absolutely in love with your baby fushiguro scarlet witch series! I was actually wondering while reading some of the new-ish hcs

How would teenager/ pre- teen scarlet witch and dad! Gino handle her getting her period and having period pains? Would gojo know what to do and how to act or would he panic and buy a whole store😂😂😂

If your uncomfortable with writing about periods or anything from this request please just delete it

Ly~❤️

dad! gojo & scarlet witch! fushiguro! reader getting her period

jujutsu kaisen x reader

masterlist of the series

warning(s): mentions about blood, menstruation/period & dysmenorrhea/period pains

hello anon ly, thank you for requesting and for the feedback! no worries, i'm not uncomfortable with the request, thank you for the concern as well :D i hope you enjoy reading this <3

(p.s. omg ya'll i only have two days left before my second sem of senior high school classes starts i wanna cry,, i may or may not have time for writing later on,, ok enough me rambling bye ya'll im heading to bed now it's past 12am already <\3)

gojo most definitely freaked out when you first got your period, probably more than you even💀

it was probably because of the scream that elicited from you when you first realized it. he literally dropped everything and bolted to where you are—only to find you crying with bloodstained sheets. his first intial thoughts from the sheer panic was that a curse hurt you, but really, it was just your period..

though he was relieved to know you weren't hurt, he had no damn clue about periods. so, while you were bawling your eyes out, gojo immediately rang shoko, who's your pediatrician and personal doctor at this point, to get some help. you couldn't really blame him though for not knowing much about this kind of stuff, he wasn't a woman.

after the two of you calmed down a bit, gojo ushered you to the bathroom so you could clean up and assured you to not worry about the stained bedsheets since those can always be washed before speeding to the nearest supermarket to get the essentials that shoko told him to get.

gojo forgot to ask shoko which pad to get you, he started panicking all over again because he forgot his phone and as it turns out, there was like hundreds of brands with different types of pads. in the end, gojo deadass ended up buying the entire store's worth of pads which made him receive weird and questionable looks from other customers in line, as well as from the cashier, but that was the less of his care right now.

after getting you your pads, gojo had shoko teach you how to use them and got her to explain to you about periods and such via phone call. once you figured it out, you came out of the bathroom with new pajama bottoms and was still sniffling when you found out that you had to go through it for a week each month now.

gojo was so worried of his baby, he actually took time off his work just so he could take care of you and this became a routine for him since then, most especially when you started to experience period cramps. he couldn't bear the sight of you crying and being in pain.

as soon as gojo sees you in pain and cry out a "dad, it hurts!", he immediately rushes to you and puts you to his side, coddling you in his embrace, placing your head against his shoulder and rubbing shapes on your back in hopes to make you feel better as you fist onto his shirt, digging your nails onto the fabric :(

eventually, gojo learned about period medication and as soon as he did, gojo bought you professional recommended ones. he doesn't give a damn if they were expensive and overpriced. if these will help his kikufuku with the pain, then he'll buy the entire store again. he also got you those microwaveable heating pads for hot compress for your period cramps!

you have period cravings? gojo will buy you anything you need and want. he'll spoil you thrice than usual, buying you chocolate, your favorite meals and snacks. just tell him and he'll get it for you in a heartbeat!

gojo will also make sure you're hydrated, he'll remind you to drink water frequently as it helps with dysmenorrhea and don't you worry about staining the bedsheets, towels, pajama bottoms and sweatpants you own with blood, if they don't come off even after being washed. gojo will just buy you new ones with his money, so don't stress over it bb!

during these times, gojo knows how you tend to get moody so you don't have to worry. he'll be extra understanding.

are you feeling sad all of a sudden? come get your hugs from your best dad ever! gojo already has his arms widen open and ready bubs.

are you feeling frustrated and do you want some alone time? no worries! gojo will leave you alone for as long as you need, just let him know if you need anything.

do you feel like crying? lean on gojo's shoulder, he'll be there to comfort you and listen to your rants.

gojo doesn't make you attend school or take on jujutsu high missions during these days, even if you insist you feel just fine. he doesn't want you to push or stress yourself out.

periods are truly difficult and a literal pain, but with your dad, you've got nothing to worry about! gojo's got your back, he's there to care for his precious kikufuku and to be a shoulder to lean on whether you're on your period or not.

since your first period, gojo became more prepared. he has a period kit just for you, has the movies, period craving foods, heating pad and medications ready.

sure, gojo still kinda panics but he tries his best not to because he really just wants to help you and make you feel better. if it was possible, he'll take and bear the pain instead for you. that's how much gojo loves you <3

[etherealising]

i’m so perplexed right now because i LOVED this chapter but i’m also going to HATE the consequences of this chapter sjsjsjsjsjsjsj. gonna have to revisit this domesticity when the storm that this is going to cause actually hits.

i’m writing chapter 6 and hinting at the consequences as we speak and I HATE IT 😐

oh god not the funeral…. i’m not brave enough for this - the show spared me but i should’ve known that you wouldn’t sksjsjsjs

i was not brave enough to give a more in depth look. i was sat here bawling my eyes out after every line i wrote about this damn funeral

this is such a soft moment in such a dark time and i’m living for the contrast.

we get more of these two cuties in the next chapter!

jfc it’s not even 10 AM and i’m bawling on the couch - that must be a new record.

the hurt do be hurting, the hurt stops for no one

the absolute most dangerous pipeline to follow but also inevitable for baby unfortunately

yeah…pretty much sends her into her whole downward spiral unfortunately

i feel so attacked rn - i think i need to be billing you for my therapy. this was everything i imagined i would feel from a funeral scene but also somehow so much more gut wrenching at the same time.

bestie writing this fic is my therapy, the hurt was very much felt while writing this one

damn. he didn’t even go? this is so on brand for him yet i also get why he wouldn’t want to go? but also hes simply never there for the people around him when they need him the most.

okay i thought this was canon but now idk. i remember in season 1 Fak mentioning that he sent flowers and Carm was all like ‘yeah idk, I didn’t go’ but now i can’t find that scene for the life of me : (

the way these traits so often run in the family…. carmy you need to look in the mirror before you’re even more sad and alone than you already are

nat just living her best life, but seriously carmy has a lot of working on himself

oh my god is it baby? it has to be baby

baby: surprise shawty

he is so ‘why so many word when few word do trick’ coded

no but you’re so right that’s literally his whole character

i know this is a serious moment of contemplation for baby but this just made me laugh so. hard. THIS is so on brand - man finds a product he likes and never strays again. *edit - OH MY GOD IT WOULD BE LAVENDER TOO WHY AM I CACKLING

you are the only person to clock this and i freaking love you for it!!! LIKE OF COURSE THIS WHORE IS USING PRODUCTS THAT REMIND HIM OF BABY HE’S THAT FAR GONE!

yeah it painfully didn’t go unnoticed - fuck youuuuuuuu(lovingly)

i do be recycling scenes 🤪

the way he can still have that domesticity if he just pulled his head out of his ass, smdh

like carmen please it is not that hard just be honest with yourself for once!

listen when she cut her hand i was so excited because ✨oooooh he’s gonna bandage her up✨ and the absolute sass is making it 1000x better. their banter gives me life lol

these two are actually so tired of each other its amazing they’re still in love

she just like me fr

same and i don’t like to be yelled at but i’d set that aversion aside so quickly for chef carmy

he is so stupid it pains me, ITS BEEN YEARS MY BOY!!! he is such a self saboteur

he’s just like nah i’m not sure what love is/how it feels, but i don’t think envisioning a romantic future with my bestie poo where she has my kids is love…not one bit

the way he’s so capable of being what she deserves but puts an expiration date on it anyways - i want to slap him into next week

siri play self sabotage by maggie lindemann (wait this might be chapter six’s title 🤭)

(okay but wait these losers are actually so maggie lindemann coded)

omg it’s a date

not the besties going on a date!

going to draft willie into my war against carmy being a fucking numbnut

willie is definitely on the front lines of this war

i need him to shut the fuck up because i’m about to go full whore

the way i almost folded writing these lines like carmy…stop it (this isn’t the last time we see that dress either 🫣)

AGHHHHHT THINGS ARE GETTING LUKEWARM!!!! it’s still so bittersweet tho bc i know he’s going to go back to being a grade a asshole once she leaves new york. for how many times he’s acted like he’s changed he’s really giving her trust issues

the trust issues are immaculate with these two

i can’t even blame baby because i know i would let this man emotionally destroy me a thousand times over

right, like girly knows this might be the only chance they get and she’s taking it. and so would i like please destroy me emotionally unavailable chef man

oh my god my brain is malfunctioning, i truly am in awe that this is your first time writing smut

i genuinely had no plans to add smut in this but then i was like…we all just wanna fuck carmen berzatto i’ll give the people what they want it also only seemed fair considering the emotional roller coaster this fic is

SAY IT AINT SO….. oh god the way my stomach dropped…

i really just need to give this girl a break…like it wasn’t bad enough i tried to kill her already?

SHUT UP THIS IS WHERE THE POLAROID SYD SAW CAME FROM?!!!!

i always have to give y’all the backstory to these Polaroids i’m obsessed with

miss ma’am you lied to me - things got more than lukewarm in this kitchen!!!! now they need to translate this energy into present day!!! god i’m breathing so heavy about this line alone.

i literally thought the smut was so tame, i apologize for being a chronic liar…it will definitely be translated into present day (distant futureish) and the spice will be spicin’. i promise these losers will get what they deserve with each other but first… ✨more angst ✨

interlude two | anyone who had a heart

masterlist | ↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣ |

pairing: carmy x fem!reader | platonic!richie jerimovich x fem!reader | carmen berzatto x his delusions | carmen berzatto x self-sabotage | fem!reader x weakness for short slutty men with blue eyes | fem!reader x slutty gold chains | fem!reader x BEING FUCKING WEAK FOR SMARMY CARMY |

summary: the devastion of mikey's passing pushes baby into the arms of the man she loves the most.

warning(s): death | grief | funeral | refusal to grieve | denial | kinda delusional behavior | unhealthy coping mechanisms | angst | fluff | longing | mutual pining | idiots in love | love drunk carmy | probably ooc!carmy | wise willie | zero accuracy regarding new york | baby letting men pump and dump her | SMUT | P IN V | UNPROTECTED SEX | SOFT!DOM READER | VANILLA SEX | EMOTIONAL TENDER SEX |

wc: 17.3k

edited to the best of my abilities. if things don't make sense i apologize!

March 1, 2022

The rain rhythmically bounced off the umbrella in Richie’s hand. Both of you huddled under the slightly too-small object, the majority of your bodies dry, but each of you felt your fair share of rain land squarely on you. The child in front of you, dry as a desert, her small stature an advantage.

All that could be heard was nature's tears singing against the various umbrellas and the voice of the priest that seemed to just drone on and on.

Donna’s cry’s had been relegated to silent sobs just moments ago, you watched as Nat put her own hurt and discomfort aside to assuage Donna’s nerves.

You had all but ignored the empty seat situated next to Natalie, not wanting to believe the truth of the situation. As you stared at the coffin resting several feet in front of you, you couldn’t help but wonder what the cold lifeless body lying inside looked like. You knew there was only so much that could be done to make a body with a hole in its head presentable, and that a closed-casket funeral was for the best.

It was selfish, but you wanted one last look at Mikey. Did he look peaceful? Was he finally freed from the vices that had for so long controlled him? You so hoped that wherever he was, wherever his soul found its spiritual comforts he was at peace.

A tug on the sleeve of your coat drew your attention. Looking down your eyes met Eva's, the little girl insisted on standing with you, her small toddler hand securely wrapped in your adult one. It felt a little odd to be standing here like this, a buffer between a family that was no more, while also serving as the memory of one family’s missing piece.

She raised her arms in a signal to be picked up. Funerals were no place for children to be, but what good was lying to them about the realities of life? You gently lifted her into your arms sitting her on your hip comfortably. Eva’s small head rested against yours playing with the pearls around your neck, the small girl could only understand so much of what was going on around her.

You felt Tiff step closer to you, arm wrapping around your waist so she leaned into Eva’s back. The comfort of the small family surrounding you keeps you grounded to the moment in front of you, not allowing your mind to think of the pain Mikey must’ve been in, or the voicemail that had gone unchecked for the past week.

Funerals were a funny thing for you, the last one you attended was your mom’s. And it wasn’t a competition, but her death was easier. That’s the thing with terminal illness; death is inevitable. You would never be prepared for any death in your life, but it was a bit easier knowing your mom didn’t have a fighting chance. Her decision to leave this realm behind was harder, but knowing her passing was painless and of her own volition helped.

But Mikey’s death was different. It was sudden, unexpected, and messy and it wasn’t the death Michael deserved. But what made it all the worse for you is that he was utterly and terribly alone.

And it wasn’t like anyone wasn’t privy to his substance abuse, but none of you knew the depths to which it ate away at him, how it slowly killed him and he kept pushing on for the sake of others.

Maybe you should’ve asked him more about how he was doing when you interviewed him. Maybe you shouldn’t have sent him a portion of your article. Standing at the cemetery as the funeral continued, even with little Eva cuddling into you and Tiff and Richie surrounding you; you couldn’t help but let your mind wander to all the things you could’ve done to save Mikey from himself.

Eva was asleep against your chest as you made your way to the fresh grave, Tiff in front of you and Richie closely behind doing his best to cover your small group with the umbrella. The rain hadn’t let up as you raised your dirt-filled hand over the pristine casket, this didn’t feel right at all. You had yet to cry since Sugar called you days ago with the news, it felt as though you were numb to the truth. Maybe it was your mind's way of protecting you.

But as long as the casket remained closed, and you never got one last peek at the man who had taught you that you deserved more than what you settled for. You could pretend for just a little longer that none of this was real.

Releasing your grip on the dirt you watched as it splashed across the top of the casket mixing with the droplets of rain. You hesitated for a minute turning your back on this casket felt too final, like leaving this cemetery would be closing a door in your life you were desperate to keep open.

Richie’s free hand came up to your shoulder, a soft squeeze pressed into your jacket. You looked back at him the same hurt and pain you were feeling reflected on his face. He gave you a small nod as a way to let you know that it was okay to walk away, that he understood the hurt you were feeling.

As Tiff walked off to her car, you held Eva in one hand and allowed Richie to grip your other. The warm grasp of his hand gave you the strength to turn your back and walk away from a man whose love, charisma, and smile you would never be blessed to see or experience again.

March 12, 2022

Carmy sat on his lawn chair watching the rain splash against the window that led to his balcony, the funeral program rested lazily on his lap held in place by his pack of cigarettes and lighter. He didn’t realize it but this had been his routine since he learned of his brother's passing.

He would come home not even bothering to change out of his work clothes and plop down in the creaky lawn chair, usually on his balcony but recently the weather hadn’t been calm enough for that.

Light up a cigarette and just bask in his despair.

The only difference had been the program he received in the mail a week ago. The newly acquired folded paper joined his after-work routine for the day after being left on the island in his kitchen since receiving it. 

Carmy wasn’t sure if he was angry at Mikey for choosing death, or if he was more hurt by what they would never again be able to experience with each other. He felt like once again Mikey had left him behind, not thinking about the ways his actions would affect those around him, affect the people who loved him.

The decision to skip the funeral wasn’t as hard as most would have thought. What good would Carmy have to offer by being there, it's not like anyone needed him. And anyway, he couldn’t just drop everything happening here in New York for a day, life didn’t work that way for him. 

Carmy knew he didn’t hate Mikey, he just didn’t understand his choices recently. Didn’t necessarily understand how much the prescriptions had fucked with his mind. And maybe in a selfish way, he wasn’t ready to understand, to forgive Mikey for leaving him so soon. Nothing to even show for the loss of the person who inspired him most besides the funeral program as an ugly reminder of what he could never be again.

A soft knock rang through the quiet apartment, the man inside happy to ignore it, sure it was just one of his neighbors doing whatever weird shit they usually did. He removed a cigarette from his pack standing up and setting the program in the chair before grabbing his lighter and moving to open the window.

He heard it again, this time a bit louder and more urgent sounding. Carmy removed his phone from his pocket, the generic lock screen shining up at him with the time reading 2:30 am.

No one had ever shown up at his apartment this late, not even the woman across the way who periodically tried to charm Carmy all kinds of inconvenient times of the night. The knocking finally stopped as muffled voices carried through the hallway outside his door.

Carmy wouldn’t consider himself a nosy neighbor but he did find himself a bit curious who was knocking at his door at such an hour it alerted another tenant. Cigarette sitting between his lips he made his way to the door, ear leaned against it as he tried to catch bits and pieces of the conversation happening out there.

Having no such luck he resorted to checking the peephole to find his neighbor outside her door talking with a woman who appeared to be soaked to the bone. Carmy watched for a moment, he couldn’t place it but something about the unknown woman looked familiar to him. He continued watching his neighbor motioning for the woman to wait outside for a moment while she grabbed something from her apartment.

Carmy was ready to return to his initial smoke break but found himself stopping as the woman faced his door. Heart stopping as he took in features he would remember for a lifetime. He quickly moved to unlock his door, throwing it open only to surprise the ghost of a woman standing in his hallway.

You ceased your knocking as you heard a door opening behind you, turning to face a woman who appeared to be around the same age as you. From her appearance, it didn’t seem like you had woken her up so you were grateful for that fact.

“You’re making a mess in the hallway,” her eyes traveled over your form. Your figure sopping wet from the downpour you just escaped from.

A tired sigh left your lips, “Um, I’m sorry to bother you, but do you know the guy who lives here?” Your hand motioned to the door that was at your back that you had just been knocking on. 

“You a friend or something?” The skepticism in the woman’s voice irked you, it was a yes or no question there was no need for her to give you the third degree.

You nodded trying to keep your cool. You were tired, dripping wet, and you weren’t even sure if Carmy was home. “Yeah, something like that.”

She gave you another once over before shaking her head back and forth, “No I don’t, sorry.” She began to close her door before you called out to her one last time.

“Wait sorry, is there any way I could use your phone, mine is dead,” you presented your phone as evidence, you didn’t want to be in this woman’s presence any more than she wanted to put up with you, but you needed to at least call a cab.

The subtle roll of her eyes caused the grip on your phone to tighten, luckily though the woman gave you a gesture to wait there before returning to her apartment.

You let out a sigh of relief, head dropping as your thoughts raced. You had no idea what the hell was going through your mind when you booked the last-minute flight. Having found Carmen’s address written on a forgotten piece of paper lying in the kitchen of the Berzatto family home.

The excuse to Sugar was that you had to meet with a potential interviewee for an upcoming article and couldn’t reschedule. You had already been in Chicago for longer than you originally planned, so what was one impromptu plane ride to the east coast?

There was no sign that the woman you bothered was coming back anytime soon so you decided to cut your losses, you would find a pay phone or something to use. You turned around sending one last look at Carmy’s door, the feeling that this was all for nothing setting in.

You went to pick up your bag from the ground when the sounds of a door unlocking caught your attention, raising back up to your full height as you watched the door you were initially knocking on harshly swing open.

Separated by a threshold Carmen Berzatto stood in front of you clad in his disheveled chef whites looking just as exhausted as you felt. You promised yourself you wouldn’t cry if this trip did end up paying off, but after five years without him, five years of hurting and hoping you could no longer hold back all the emotions the man evoked within you.

Your trembling lips raised into a pathetic smile as your eyes took all of him in, “Hi Carmy.”

The water dripped off of you as you awkwardly stood in the entryway to Carmy’s apartment. You watched him rush around to tidy up his apartment, he hadn’t said a word to you yet just opened his door wider with the expectation that you would enter.

“Carm,” your trembling voice doing nothing to stop the scrambling of the man in front of you.

“Carmen.” The name left your lips a little louder this time, finally gaining the man’s attention, his entire being turning in your direction but eyes never meeting yours. “Uh, could I maybe take a shower?”

Carmy’s head nodded rapidly, staying glued to his spot for a moment before he signaled for you to follow him. As you walked through the apartment to his bedroom you couldn’t help but take in just how Carmy-like the living space was.

Lacking personal touch and like he was ready to flee at a moment's notice; the only commitment the man could make was being a chef apparently.

You stopped in front of the bathroom looking around his room before finally focusing on him. “I, do you think I could borrow some clothes?”

Again Carmy nodded the man acting as though his voice box wasn’t working. You watched him move around his room wondering if he’d ever award you any form of attention or verbal acknowledgment. He stopped for a minute eyes finally finding yours, “Go ahead and get cleaned up, I’ll leave these on the bed.”

Your eyes found the contents in his hand before it was your turn to nod and head into the bathroom. You started the shower searching for a towel and washcloth as you waited for the water to heat up. This whole trip could very well be a mistake, but there was no going back now, you were here, and you had already used your miles. 

Slipping out of your wet clothes felt like a struggle, the heavy fabric clinging to you like a second skin. You quickly stepped into the shower, not wanting any of the water to go to waste. The steaming water helped to relax you, all your worries about your visit being set aside as you basked in the warmth radiating around you.

After standing under the shower head and allowing the water to caress your skin, you reached for the products Carmy had lined up in his shower. The shower gel is the same brand you used all those years ago on Christmas. Looking at the bottle in your hands you couldn’t help but think of all the ways in which Carmy wronged you, why you had allowed him to constantly hurt you, a fact you still couldn’t figure out.

And you couldn’t stand here in his shower glaring at a bottle the whole time you were here either. You took your time lathering your body allowing the calming aroma of lavender to invade your senses. Finishing you returned everything to its proper spot before rinsing your body and shutting the shower off.

Stepping out you wrapped the large fluffy towel around your body not chancing a glance at your reflection as you exited the bathroom. The door to the bedroom was closed and the clothes you saw in Carmy’s hands earlier sat in a neat pile on the bed. You perused the selection of a clean pair of boxer shorts, one of his many crew necks and a pair of socks were laid out for you.

The deja vu the last few sequences of events had given you hadn’t gone unnoticed. 

You would have to forgo a bra but you’d been in much more uncomfortable positions with Carmy than this. Dressing you made your way to the door, stopping for a moment to allow yourself a deep breath, you couldn’t be sure what you would be walking into. Along with the fact that you were in a city you had never been in and your return flight wasn’t for two more days, Carmy was your only option. 

The warmth in the apartment slapped you in the face as you left Carmy’s room, the heater had been turned on. You followed the trail you had first taken finding your way to the living room that doubled as a kitchen.

“Sit,” you were almost ready to argue with Carmy’s demanding tone, but the food situated on the island counter stopped you.

You made your way to the lone stool taking a seat, trying not to marvel at the food in front of you. Carmy’s water bill would be high for the month, you had apparently been in the shower long enough for a dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup to be made. Carmy still hard at work making something on the stovetop sans his chef jacket.

Eyeing the food in front of you, you couldn’t help the way your mouth watered. You greedily picked up a slice of the grilled cheese and dipped it into the hearty soup, The sigh of appreciation not going unnoticed by the chef a few feet away from you, a small smirk gracing his lips at the quiet sound you let out.

“Good?” The question caught you off guard, mouth still full, swallowing the bite in your mouth you set the rest of the sandwich down, eyes zeroing in on Carmy’s biceps that were put on full display by his form-fitting white shirt. 

“I’ve had better.” Carmy caught your shrug as he placed a steaming mug next to the rest of your food, doing his best not to outright smile at your stubborn attitude. He moved to lean his back against the sink, arms crossed over his chest as he studied you.

“Fuck Carmy,” the sigh left your lips reluctantly. “It’s actually fucking great.” So enthralled with the food set in front of you, you missed the pink blush that dusted across Carmy’s cheeks. The heat in the apartment almost felt like too much as the lewd words left your lips.

“Ahem, I uh, I’m gonna get cleaned up. Make yourself comfortable,” Carmy watched as you waved him off, the food you were eating stealing all of your attention.

Carmy watched you for a moment longer, still shocked that your physical presence was here in his apartment. He wasn’t sure what prompted this visit, or if he even deserved your attention after all the immature shit he had pulled. But he was thankful to see you doing well, to see you looking as though you belonged with him in his bland apartment the clothes comfortably sitting on your body providing him with a feeling of domesticity he was one day hoping to have with you.

The mug of hot chocolate in your hands helped to send warmth through your body. You were still sitting at the stool not sure what to do as Carmy freshened himself up. Now that you weren’t shivering cold and rushing through the apartment you could finally take in the less than cozy abode. 

It wasn’t much but you were sure it was enough for Carmy, taking a few sips of your drink you began ambling around the apartment, mug still gripped in your hands, a tether to reality. The living room wasn’t messy but more so what you would describe as Carmy’s version of organized clutter.

A small couch and television helped to offer a homey feeling. The out-of-place lawn chair caught your eye, and the corner of your lips quirked up at how fucking Carmy it was. You made your way to the window it was sitting in front of, the New York skyline at this time of the day still a sight to see. The rain gliding down the window felt like it matched the steady pace of your heartbeat.

Turning to the lawn chair the contents in the seat grabbed your attention. Leaning over you picked up the unassuming paper, a jolt of sadness rushing through you as you read over the program. The funeral a week ago is still stuck in the back of your mind, the closed sleek black casket haunting your eyelids every night.

You quickly replaced the program in its original spot. You had come here intending to confront Carmy about his absence, but the more you stood in his apartment, the more you realized you weren’t actually ready to hear Carmy’s truth.

48 hours was all you had here, if you decided to use it as an escape, so be it. You would have to return to the reality that Mikey was dead sooner than later. You were allowed to let yourself use the time spent here as an escape from reality. You could use your time here to reprimand Carmy for his life decisions, or you could use the borrowed time to relish in finally seeing him after five years and try to figure out the back and forth the two of you have been participating in for a majority of your lives.

Mikey would understand, he wanted you to be happy, so it was okay to pretend for a little while that he’d be waiting there in Chicago when you got back right?

You made your way back to the kitchenette needing a distraction from the very thoughts you were running away from. You finished off your hot cocoa before grabbing your remaining dishes and heading to the sink. Washing dishes was the first distraction you could think of. 

As you made your way to the sink the sound of a door opening and feet padding across the floor could be heard. Quickly turning on the faucet you reached for the dish rag sitting in the sink, a sharp gasp escaping your lips at the pain that shot through the base of your palm, the running water easily turning a translucent pink color.

Snatching your hand back you spotted the blade of a knife that was covered in drops of your blood and haphazardly hidden under the dish rag. Your good hand reached to move the dish rag and grab the offending object. 

Finally getting a good grip on the knife, you were shocked at the familiarity of it, the personal initials carved into the handle proving your theory. The last time you laid eyes on these they were neatly tucked away into a luxurious gift box that Carmy discarded just as easily as he discarded you the morning after Christmas. 

And you thought they had been left in the same spot all these years, collecting dust in his childhood bedroom. But as you held a knife from the set in your hand, and your eyes moved to the remaining set delicately placed on the counter not too far away, you realized that to be nowhere near the truth. 

“Yo, what the fuck Baby,” your attention turned to Carmy’s voice behind you his figure clad in a pair of sweats and a white tank top. That stupid fucking gold chain that you had dreamed of taking between your teeth one too many times glistened against the firmness of his chest.

The delicate grip on your injured hand tore your eyes from the sinful chain. Carmy’s eyes raised your hand to his face examining the seriousness of the wound, “What happened?” 

“Cut myself,” you raised the knife in your hand to show him, watching as his eye darted between you and the tool he took so much pride in owning.

“What the fuck did you do that for?” Carmen Berzatto’s attitude would never cease to surprise you.

You scoffed quickly snatching your hand from his grip, and walking to grab the dish towel hanging from his oven, “I didn’t do it on purpose you fucking idiot.” 

Carmy began rummaging around in his cabinets his search not continuing for too long before he made his way over to you, first aid kit in his grasp. You were honestly surprised he owned one sure he’d rather bask in his pain than take care of himself.

Your good hand shot out aiming to grab the first aid kit from his hands. The slight slap to your hand caused your mouth to drop open, who the hell did he think he was?

“Give me the kit Carmen.” You watched as his eyes met yours, the once blank expression on his face morphing into a frown. 

“Don’t say my name like that,” you rolled your eyes before reaching out once again, only to receive the same result. “Just let me help you. Why are you being so fucking stubborn!”

You raised your eyebrows not expecting Carmy to yell at you. Your hand reluctantly came up between the two of you so he could bandage it up. It was official that you were weak for this man, the demanding tone in his voice shooting straight through you. 

The two of you sat in silence as Carmy cleaned the cut, the consensus was that you didn’t need stitches so the ointment and bandages Carmy had would do. You watched as he worked, hands delicately mending your wound he was so focused on.

When he finished you lowered your hand watching as he cleaned up before you made your exit to the living room, sitting on one side of the couch. Your back was to the kitchen as Carmy finished tidying up, the only sign he followed you out was him walking around the couch in your peripheral.

He joined you on the couch choosing the safe option and sitting directly across from you, the space speaks volumes. You brought your legs up to your chest, if this was a month ago you probably would have let all your hurt and anger guide you in this moment. 

But as life taught you, the universe was eager to snatch away people you thought you had forever with. 

It was silent for a little longer, the both of you avoiding eye contact. You finally turned to face him wanting to understand the choices he made regarding the situation between you two.

“Carmy?” You rested your chin atop your knees as he finally provided you with his full attention, “Did I do something wrong?”

His eyebrows raised, whether, from shock or surprise, you couldn’t be sure. You watched as his eyes darted across the room like he was looking for an anchor. You weren’t too sure who adult Carmy was, because the boy you used to know easily held conversations with you, even the tough ones. 

“I just…I want to understand you, Carmy. And I want to know why I’m not good enough for you,” as soon as those words left your lips it was like you were looking at 18-year-old Carmy again. “I thou-we seemed to be in a good place after Christmas dinner, but then I woke up alone and…and it felt like we were back at square one like you ghosted me all over again.”

You were staring directly into Carmy’s eyes, it was hard but it needed to be done. You needed him to see, to understand how much his actions continued hurting you. 

His hand raised in a gesture you had seen too many times to count, fingers running through his hair. If he didn’t want to have this conversation you couldn’t force him to, but you also wouldn’t keep allowing him to run in and out of your life when it was convenient for him. The two of you were friends once, and you weren’t going to allow him to continue exploiting the love you had for him.

Your arms wrapped around your propped-up legs, a security blanket for the words you were about to force out. “You can be honest with me, Carmy. If you told me you wanted nothing to do with me I’d be on the next flight out of here.” You waited for anything, a sigh, words, but all you got was his steel blue eyes staring you down in the space across from you. 

A sardonic chuckle escaped your lips as you quickly wiped the tears racing down your cheeks. Head falling back to stare at the ceiling as a way to not allow Carmy to see your tears, before calming yourself down enough to meet his gaze head-on.

“I can’t be the only one that wants more for us Carmy.” You could see the light reflecting off the glazed film in his eyes. “And I don’t think I am. But you’re inconsistent with your feelings, and I know it’s wrong of me to spring this on you considering the circumstances…but I just need honesty Carmy, that’s all.”

You said your peace, but you weren’t sure what else you could say to try to make him understand and maybe that was the problem, maybe he didn’t want to understand. You leaned into the couch cushion for comfort. The distance stretching between you was nowhere near as hurtful as the silence.

The fatigue from your flight was beginning to set in, you rushed everything to make it here that you hadn’t realized how much of a toll it took on you. 

Carmy watched you from his side of the couch, arms crossed against his chest. There was so much he wanted to say to you but didn’t know how. He knew you deserved the truth, but it had never before been asked of him in this context. He was scared of the fact that he wanted more with you; it  frightened him.

The idea he had of the two of you in his head was intoxicating and unnerving all at once. He could admit to himself that he dreamed of a life with you, and found himself lost in thought too many times to count about what it would be like to come home after a long shift to you there waiting for him.

Carmen was intoxicated by the idea of spending the rest of his life with you, a continuous beacon in your life that surpassed the title of friend and edged into something more. But he was unnerved as well because he wasn’t sure if this was love or infatuation.

Loving you unnerved Carmy, firstly because he wasn’t sure how he would know he was in love with you or not. And secondly, he didn’t know how to love you and wasn’t sure if he was capable of it. If there was one thing Carmy knew it was that you were deserving of a life-altering love, a love that transcended lifetimes if possible.

But he was almost positive he couldn’t be that person for you, he wasn’t deserving of you.

“I uh, I tried calling you,” Carmy stopped to collect himself, he wanted to talk to you, to let you understand him like you once did. “You changed your number. And that’s not an excuse. I understood why. I just…I guess I took it as a sign that there was nothing left for us.”

His eyes met yours searching for any sort of reaction, any form of acknowledgment. Your puffy eyes and tear-stained face stared back at him, his heart clenching in his chest at the emotional distress he constantly put you through.

“I um,” a placating smile raised to Carmy’s lips as he fumbled with his fingers as a distraction. “I can’t-Baby I-we both know I can’t give you what you deserve.” Carmy did his best to play off the watery undertone in his voice, eyes quickly darting up to yours as he heard your sniffles.

Carmy watched as your head rapidly nodded up and down, a sad knowing smile stretching across your lips. The tightness in his chest increased tenfold, his hand coming up to press into the middle of his chest, hoping to alleviate the pain. 

“I um, I think I would like to go to sleep if that’s okay?” You raised your head to look at Carmy, you told him you would accept his rejection, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t going to hurt. 

Carmy nodded getting up and walking towards you, holding his hand out to help you up. You allowed him to grasp your soft hand in his firm calloused one, head down as he led you to his bedroom. He motioned for you to sit down on his bed as he escaped into the bathroom, coming back a moment later with tissues in his hand.

You avoided his eyes as he bent down on his knees in front of you, gently using the collected tissue to dab at your puffy face. You couldn’t help the sorrowful laugh that escaped your lips, the scene reminded you of when the two of you were growing up and Carmy would always help clean your face after a good cry.

A tight smile formed on his lips as his eyes met yours, the two of you probably thinking of the same memories. He finished drying your face before returning to the bathroom to throw away the tissues. Carmy helped you up from the bed to pull down his comforter before allowing you to get in.

He watched as you scooted over to make room for him awaiting his entrance, “Uh lemme just tidy up out there.” Both of you knew it was an excuse but neither were brave enough to admit it. 

Carmy quickly left the room heading straight for the small duffle you had brought with you. He was sure the rain had soaked through your bag and wet your belongings. Making his way to the closet where his washer and dryer were located he easily fit your clothes into the wash, not wanting you to be stuck in his clothes for however long you were there.

He found your laptop bag in there as well, quickly removing it from its confines and drying it with a clean kitchen towel. Placing the laptop on his counter he made his way around the kitchenette to clean up the mess your blood made and finish off the dishes you hadn’t been able to wash. All of this was a distraction to the warm body he knew was waiting up for him in bed, he felt the urge to prolong the inevitable but realized he might never get this chance again.

Carmy quickly finished his clean of the front room, it wasn’t up to his usual standards but he could no longer deny himself the thing he wanted most in that moment; to wrap you up in his arms and hope he’d never have to let go.

Making sure all appliances were off and starting the washer, he quickly made his way back into his bedroom, closing the door as quietly as he could. He stood in the middle of the room for a minute, the figure peacefully lying in his bed not something he was used to. Carmy quietly crept over to the empty side of the bed lifting the covers and allowing himself to slide in.

Carmy knew you weren’t asleep and any other time he might’ve felt embarrassed to be so eager to be near you, but something about being in your presence felt right. Carmy made sure to scoot close to you, arm moving to wrap around your midsection and bring you closer to him, the need to feel your body pressed against his barely being satisfied.

His face found its way to the crook of your neck, taking a deep breath, the lavender scent he loved so much dancing across his senses. The sigh you let out into the night was a sign that you both wanted this just as much.

Carmy moved his head up a few inches, lips brushing against the ‘B’ hidden behind your ear. There wasn’t a day he didn’t think about the hidden ink stain or the words you said to him when he first found it.

Pressing one more soft kiss against the inkblot Carmy felt as you relaxed into him. Your warm body in his arms once more provided a feeling of bliss he wasn’t aware he needed.

You both knew the position you were in and the soft caress of Carmy’s lips against your skin, was a direct contradiction of the claims he made earlier. But neither of you would be the voice of reason in these 48 hours you had together.

Whatever happened between the two of you during this time would be welcomed with open arms. You and Carmy were on borrowed time, there would be time for regrets later, but as Carmy held you in his arms he decided that he would try to give you pieces of himself that no one had ever seen; even if it would all end in hours. 

“Sweet dreams Baby.” 

Carmy looked most at peace while sleeping, the stress and exhaustion seemed to have melted off of him as his mind transported him to the land of dreams.

You had been awake for some time now, Carmy’s presence helpful enough to allow you a few peaceful hours of sleep. But the inevitable thoughts of a life lost would always haunt you through the night. So here you were watching the slight rise and fall of Carmy’s chest, his lips parted slightly. He looked adorable like this but you felt a little weird just watching someone sleep. 

Your hand raised gently moving the waves out of Carmy’s face, leaning in slightly to press a delicate kiss on his forehead before quietly making your way out of the bed. It was a little tricky to open the door without waking Carmy but you had managed.

Leaving the hallway that led to Carmy’s room you entered the living room, searching for the duffle you brought with you. Only to find it open on the floor, your toiletry bag the only item that remained in the bottom of the bag. Confusion swept across your face as you tried to figure out where the rest of your belongings were.

Looking around the living area you spotted your laptop resting on the counter, your laptop bag sitting on a towel next to it. You would figure things out later. The first thing you wanted to do right now was to brush your teeth.

You quickly tip-toed back into Carmy’s room and the bathroom quietly shutting the door behind you and beginning your morning routine. Now refreshed you exited the bathroom, a small smile gracing your lips as you took in Carmy’s still-sleeping figure. 

Perusing the fridge and pantry you found a lack of any edible food. The few things available allowed you to whip up some French toast. You were no chef and maybe you should’ve left the cooking to Carmy but you were hoping this could be an olive branch for the two of you. If Carmy didn’t want to be with you romantically, maybe the two of you could work on mending your friendship.

Carmy woke up to an empty bed, his first thoughts that you had escaped in the night, his heart clenching a bit at the thought. He couldn’t be mad he pulled the same stunt on you, turning to lay on his back he stared at his ceiling, mind racing as he thought about the conversation from yesterday. 

Carmy knew he wanted to be happy, and he also knew he wanted that with you. He just didn’t know the first thing about romantic love or how to explicitly make his wants clear to you. It seemed as though he’d never get that chance, you were serious about catching the next flight out. 

Sitting up in bed he looked around, trying to gain his bearings. The sound of his bedroom door opening jolted him from his thoughts. He watched as you walked in with two plates in your hands, the smell of French toast invading his senses. His eyes found yours as you stopped in the doorway a small shy smile sent in his direction.

“I made us breakfast,” Carmy watched you make your way towards him, taking a plate off your hands as you sat on the bed in front of him. “I hope you don’t mind French toast, you uh didn’t have much to work with.” 

Carmy’s eyes subtly lit up at the fact that you were still there, that you hadn’t left. “No, yeah this is great, you uh, used cinnamon and everything.” The shy teasing smile on Carmy’s face caused a small chuckle to bubble out of you.

The two of you ate in silence for the most part, each of you stealing glances at one another while the other wasn’t paying attention. Shy smiles sent each other’s way when one of you would catch the other’s eye. 

You watched as Carmy took the plate from your hands and made his way to the door, you sat there for a moment watching him walk away before getting up and following behind him. You silently took a seat on the stool at the counter watching as Carmy began cleaning the remaining breakfast dishes.

The stretch of his back muscles under the tank top he was wearing was a sight to see. It surprised you a bit how toned Carmy was considering he lived and breathed being a chef, you didn’t expect him to have free time to worry about his physique. 

You waited as Carmy finished sending him a small smile as he finally faced you. He made his way to you, the two of you separated by the counter, his forearms resting on the counter accentuated his toned biceps.

“I actually need to go to the farmer’s market today,” you waited to see if there was anything more he had to say but the silence drew on.

“Oh, I can stay here, I have work to finish.” You gestured your hand to the laptop not far from the two of you, trying not to let your disappointment show.

“Did you maybe wanna join me,” Carmy waited for your response, eyes darting around your face hoping you would say yes.

“Do you…want me to join you?” You could laugh, the two of you sitting here beating around the bush like two teenagers. 

You waited as you took in Carmy’s shy demeanor, the blush rising from his neck, you were tempted to point it out but didn’t want him to close himself off like you were used to. 

“I want you to come with me to the farmers market.” Carmy made sure to look you in the eyes as the words left his mouth, sure that he was red in the face but wanting you to know how much he wanted to spend time with you. 

The two of you stared at each other for a while, the toothy grin on your face mirroring the his smaller one. The small nod of your head was everything Carmy needed to see for his heartbeat to calm down. He watched as you giddily got up from your seat presumably to get ready.

“Oh um did you do something with my clothes?” The smile didn’t seem to be leaving your face anytime soon.

Carmy cleared his throat hand raising to scratch the back of his neck, “Yeah I, uh I washed them, they’re in my closet.” 

You couldn’t deny that those words made your heart pick up speed a bit, the idea of feeling giddy that your clothes were in Carmy’s closet was a bit childish, but you would take what you could get at this point. 

“Oh, okay I’ll just go get ready then.” Your hand gestured to the room behind you.

“Yeah,” Carmy couldn’t help but marvel at the idea of you getting ready in his apartment, it was almost like he could pretend this was his reality.

“Yeah,” you didn’t know why you were acting like a love-struck teenager but Carmy just brought it out of you.

“Okay,” Carmy nodded his head signaling you to take your leave.

“Oka-.”

“Baby just go get fucking ready.” A huff of laughter escaped Carmy at the way you were acting.

Carmy stood by the counter watching as you ran off to prepare yourself for the day. He couldn’t stop the smile from gracing his lips as he listened to your melodic laughter sing through the emptiness of his apartment.

You had split from Carmy a few booths back, the two of you deciding it was for the best. Your constant wandering off to booths that intrigued you put Carmy in a panic when he would look to see you no longer at his side. 

It was your first time in New York and you were just happy to take in this small portion of what the city had to offer. The farmer’s market here was similar to the ones you’d been to back home, though the weather would take some getting used to, not like you needed to. You’d be back in Chicago before you knew it. 

You found a small flea market-type area towards the back of the farmers market. Vendors gathered around selling handmade items and keepsakes. A few minutes into your perusal of the area you found a vendor selling handmade clothing items. A pretty cami dress caught your eye that the vendor exclaimed you just had to have, and who were you to turn down a beautiful dress selling for a decent price in the streets of New York.

With the dress nicely tucked away into a paper bag gently swinging from your arm, you decided it was time to make your way back to the entrance of the farmers market and wait for Carmy. On your journey back you stopped at a vendor selling handmade leather goods, a particular leather wallet drawing your attention.

The familiarity of it caused you to let loose a shuddering breath, the small item reminded you of Mikey’s wallet. Although his was more used, worn in. Standing on this street and looking down at the pristine wallet in front of you was almost like looking at a replica.

You remembered asking him once why he chose to use the ratty old thing and the smart-ass response he had given you. The fact that an inanimate object that had no ties to Mikey was causing this sort of reaction inside you, felt too real, it felt like grief was prepared to sink its claws into you. 

And you couldn’t allow it, because you were in New York finally on somewhat good terms with Carmy. And Mikey would be waiting for your return to Chicago, eager to hear about your time with his little brother. 

“Would you like to buy it, miss?” Your eyes found the vendors, a forced smile tracing your lips.

You slowly shook your head feeling a little bad for turning down goods from a small business, you just didn’t need the wallet, especially not one that would remind you of him every day.

The walk back to the farmers market felt melancholy: the promise to yourself to compartmentalize Mikey and his situation was becoming harder the more time you spent alone. Your search for Carmy became more urgent the longer you couldn’t find him. The racing images of Mikey’s casket swirling with your recent moments spent in Carmy’s presence. 

You didn’t want to burden Carmy with the debilitating thoughts you were having, not wanting to ruin the good thing the two of you had going. Neither of you brought up the elephant in the room and it seemed like neither of you was going to. The both of you content to live in momentary bliss for the time you had together. 

It felt like you were spiraling and all because of some stupid too similar fucking wallet. You finally made your way to the entrance of the market hoping Carmy would know to look for you there.

Carmy gathered the ingredients necessary for the dinner he planned for tonight, luckily for him the restaurant was closed on Sundays so he could spend the day with you. 

He still wasn’t sure that any of this was real. You showing up outside his apartment at two in the morning, holding you as you slept, and now adventuring out to the market he frequented, it all felt like a dream.

There was one last stop Carmy needed to make before he met up with you. He made his way to the old flower vendor who was always the first one here to ensure he set up a show at the entrance. Carmy had his fair share of conversations with the man but had never actually bought any flowers off of him, but today was the day that changed. 

“Carmen is that you?” Carmy raised his head from the flowers he was glancing at, the old man sitting on the stool smiling his way.

“Yes sir. How you doing today Willie?” Carmy wasn’t much into friends or acquaintances since the two of you parted ways all those years ago, but Willie was a special case. Always kind, on Carmy’s first visit to this particular market the older man had explained to him the layout and gave him insider information about what times were best to come to ensure he got the freshest ingredients from each vendor. 

“You thinking about buying something today son?” The older man rose from his seated position plopping the paper he was reading in his place.

Carmy nodded eyes going back to the various flowers to choose from. This wasn’t Carmy, he had never done something like this, not willingly at least. But he knew flowers could symbolize different things, and have different meanings. And if he couldn’t figure out how to be straightforward and speak with you, maybe a hand-picked bouquet could solve that issue. 

“Looking for anything in particular?” He glanced at Willie, a slight frown marring his face, he genuinely had no idea.

Carmy chuckled, hand raising to scratch the nape of his neck, “I’m not sure Willie.” He felt a little embarrassed. How was he to translate his feelings to you through horticulture if he knew nothing about flowers and their meanings.

“Well help me out boy, tell me who they’re for an maybe I can whip something up for you.” It was like perfect timing as Carmy heard your voice trickling into his ears. You were standing on the other side of the entrance phone to your ear as you spoke to somebody, a look of exhaustion on your features.

Carmy’s eyes caught yours as you glanced in his direction, he watched that beautiful smile appear as you quickly ended the call with whoever you were talking to, smile mirroring yours as you two stared at each other across the distance. Your hand raised in a shy wave smile growing wider as Carmy reciprocated the gesture. 

“Now Carmen, why didn’t you tell me these were for your old lady,” Carmy’s head shot around to find Willie smirking at him from his side of the booth. “Is that the young lady in that picture you keep in your wallet?” 

Carmy watched frozen, as Willie moved around his booth, trying his best to figure out when the older man had ever caught a glance at the picture of you two. “Uh, she’s just a friend sir.” 

“Listen, boy, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. And I know you betta not be lying to that pretty girl over there.” The flowers in Willie’s hand were used to point in your direction. 

“I saw the way she looked at you just now son, that girl is in love,” Carmy listened as Willie began constructing the bouquet, ears tuned to what the man was saying. 

“I’ll give it to you straight boy, you’re gonna regret every chance you didn’t take with that young lady. Now I don’t know the situation between you two, but what I do know is that you look at that girl like she invented oxygen, I know because that’s how I looked at my Debbie.” Carmy was raptly intrigued with Willie’s words, watching the sad smile take over his lips as he mentioned his recently deceased wife.

“And from our interactions you don’t seem to me like the type to let rare opportunities pass you by,” the bouquet seemed to be pretty much finished, the older man just putting the final touches. “Now you give that pretty young lady this here bouquet, you make her a nice dinner like I’m sure you planned. And you let her know how much you appreciate her.” 

Carmy nodded his head rapidly trying to take in everything the older man said. His breath hitched in his throat as he watched Willie wave you over to them.

“Excuse me miss? Why don’t you come on over here and join us.” Carmy could feel the panic rising within him.

“N- Willie No don-.”

“Hush up boy and introduce me to your lovely girl.” You stopped next to Carmy eyes widening as you took in the unknown man's words. 

You looked at Carmy as he brought his hand up to swipe across his mouth, a tight-lipped smile lining his lips afterwards.

“Hi sweetie I’m Willie Carmen’s only friend in this city,” you laughed as the man winked at you before holding his hand out listening as you introduced yourself. 

“It’s nice to meet you Willie, you have some beautiful flowers, do you harvest them yourself?” The man in front of you waved off the compliment with a serene smile on his face.

“My wife and I started selling at this market 20 years ago. This is my first year without her.” The smile on your lips faltered as you offered your condolences.

“Now I don’t wanna keep you too long, but this bouquet here is for you to miss.” You looked at Carmy before your eyes found Willie’s again, your cheeks warming at what the man was insinuating. 

“Oh um, thank you so much. How much do I owe you?” Your wallet was out and ready in your hand, Carmy’s hand shooting out to stop you as he thrust money forward. 

“Y’all put that money away now,” Willie shook his head scoffing at the idea of either of you paying.

He held out the bouquet in your direction, the smile lining his face urged you to take it. You couldn’t help but marvel at the beautiful bouquet, the colorful assortment helping to ease the foreboding feeling you had earlier. 

“Our friend Carmen here chose each of those flowers,” you looked in Carmy’s direction, the blush on his face so endearing to you. “I went on ahead and tucked a card in there with their meanings. You two make a fine pair, don’t let life get in the way of the love you share, you hear me?”

You nodded avoiding Carmy’s eyes like your life depended on it, easily listening to the wisdom Willie was bestowing upon the two of you. 

“The world is kind but she is also cruel. She will take away the things we love even if we’re not ready to part with them. Love each other loudly and with no regrets, it's always good to see young love prosper.”  The sad look in Willie’s eyes pulled at your heartstrings, you stood there wondering if he had any regrets. 

The clearing of Carmy’s throat finally drew your attention from the wise older man in front of you. “Thank you Willie really, but we should be heading home.” 

Willie nodded a pleasant smile on his lips, “Damn right! The two of you holdin up my business.” The older man shooed the two of you off a chuckle followed his gesture. 

“It was nice meeting you Willie, thank you again for the beautiful bouquet.” You sent him one last wave before you and Carmy moved away from the booth.

“It’s a gorgeous bouquet Carmy,” you glanced over the flowers before your eyes locked with Carmy’s, a loving smile splitting your face. 

Carmy smiled, unconsciously reaching out to move a stray piece of hair from your eyes, hurriedly dropping his hand and clearing his throat. “Let’s get them home and into some water yeah?” Carmy’s eyes darted around doing his best not to stare at you for too long.

You looked down trying to hide your smile, the word ‘home’ filled you with warmth. Your hand reached out to intertwine his with your own, avoiding Carmy’s eyes as they finally focused on you, “Lead the way.”

The gentle squeeze of your hand in Carmy’s made you smile, the two of you making your way back to his apartment. Neither of you mentioned holding hands as you journeyed home, just like neither of you said anything as you melted into his safe embrace on the subway ride.

The two of you entered the small apartment, your laughs filtering through the hallway and into the entranceway. A run-in with Carmy’s neighbor across the hall was responsible for the now-dying laughter between the two of you.

“Is she always like that?” You stopped allowing Carmy to help you out of your jacket before he hung it up. You turned to him, taking the bags out of his hand as you made your way to the kitchen. Setting them on the counter before searching for something to hold your flowers. 

Carmy followed behind you after removing his own coat, hands falling to your waist as he moved around you to unload the few groceries he had gotten for tonight. “She uh, airdropped me a nude once, so right now was pretty tame I guess.” 

Your headshot to Carmy’s everything in you holding back the laugh that was desperately trying to escape. “Poor girl. Did you send one back?” You nudged your elbow into his watching as the blush on his cheeks deepened.

He maneuvered around you trying to ignore your teasing, “God no, we uh went out for drinks once, it was cool.” 

The crumbs he was giving you surprised you, “And nothing like came out of that?”

“I dunno was something supposed to?” Carmy made sure not to give you direct attention, mortified that he was even having this conversation with you in his kitchen.

“Well did you want it to?” You didn’t know why you had latched onto this topic of conversation so hard, it reminded you of the times Carmy would ramble to you about Claire. And if you were just spending the weekend with a friend wasn’t this the type of conversation you should be engaging in? 

Carmy turned to you as you finally found a glass big enough to support the bouquet, he watched as you filled the glass with water before trimming the stems. “Not with her, no.”

You looked up to see Carmy finally looking at you with a serious expression painting his flushed face. You couldn’t help it as your eyes dropped to his lips, clocking the subtle peak of his tongue poking out as he wet his lips. 

Carmy made his way towards you, Willie's words from earlier bouncing around in his head. He pulled the flower from your hand and placed it in the large glass he wasn’t even aware he had. He cleared his throat hoping he had enough confidence to get these words out.

“I’m gonna start on dinner, and you’re gonna go get ready,” his hand came up to hold the left side of your jaw, finger finding the spot behind your ear he always took special care to remember. “I want you to put on that pretty little dress you were gushing about on the way home.” Carmy stopped watching as you nodded your head showing that you were paying attention.

“Can you do that for me?” His eyes traced your face looking for any signs that you were uncomfortable.

Your lidded eyes lazily blinked up at him a quiet ‘yes’ escaped through your parted lips. A small smile rested on Carmy’s lips as he leaned in to plant a delicate kiss on your forehead, lips lingering for a moment too long.

He reluctantly removed himself from you waiting for you to scurry off. Surprised when you took a step closer to him and leaned in, a gentle press of your lips connecting to the corner of his. Carmy watched as you pulled away and smiled at him before taking your leave.

Carmy stood in his kitchen for a minute, heart racing as he realized what he had just done. The only place Carmy had ever been in control was in the kitchen, so maybe that’s why it was so easy for him to take control in that moment, well that and Willie’s lecture.

He was sure it would never happen again as he began preparing the ingredients for the lasagna he planned to make for the two of you. 

You and Carmy had switched places a few minutes ago after he walked in on you wrapped in a towel and profusely apologized  for almost a whole minute. You easily slipped into your dress while Carmy was in the shower. 

As you walked into the living room you could smell the delicious aroma of the cuisine Carmy prepared for the two of you. You were glad to be out of Carmy’s presence for the time being, your brain doing its best to process the moment the two of you had shared in the kitchen. 

The cold shower you took did nothing to calm down the feelings swirling around inside you. You had never seen Carmy so in control of anything in his life, the demanding tone he used with you earlier almost had you making a fool of yourself right there in his kitchen. 

A constant beep coming from the oven drew your attention, you quickly made your way to the kitchen grabbing a towel to remove the hot dish from its place resting in the oven. You couldn’t help but marvel at the pretty lasagna in your hands. It was a bit weird to describe food as pretty, but the presentation was generally pleasing to the eyes.

You walked to the countertop to set the dish down, turning to search through the kitchen for plates and utensils. Having a slightly hard time as you had no idea where anything was located at.

“Baby?” The sound of Carmy’s voice startled you, not having heard him make his approach. 

You turned in his direction, a light laugh leaving your lips. It was a bit comical, the two of you dressed nicely, feet bare in his New York apartment. You took in his appearance biting your lip as you spotted his chain that encouraged you to do sinful things. He was dressed in probably the only slacks he owned, the ankles cuffed since he wasn’t wearing shoes. The deep green crew neck hugging his body was similar in color to the dress you were wearing, the unexpected matching caused another laugh to leave your lips. 

The box in his hand finally caught your attention, it appeared to be a present of some sort. You pointed at it with the random spoon you had picked up while searching for cutlery. 

“What’s that?” You furrowed your brows as you watched Carmy revert to his usual shy self. 

He held the gift out to you, “Go ahead, open it.” Your hand brushed his as you took the box from his hold feeling a bit giddy at the unsolicited gift.

Carmy held his breath as he watched you open a five-year-old gift in his kitchen. You looked beautiful and he wanted to tell you but couldn’t seem to force the words out too enthralled with the intimate atmosphere that had been surrounding the two of you since earlier in the kitchen. 

Carmy was a fool for leaving you the morning after Christmas and knowing that he let Mikey down when it came to you haunted him. He was glad to have these days with you, it wasn’t healthy but the two of you were providing a distraction for each other. 

“Carmy oh my goodness,” the gasp of your breath brought Carmy back to reality. His cheeks warmed at seeing you so happy. “How much did this even cost you, these things are like relics.” Your eyes flashed to the smile on your face seeming to brighten up the kitchen.

“It doesn’t matter, I bought this for Christmas and just…I never sent it.” He was prepared for you to scold him for his stupidity, tell him you didn’t care for the gift, and that you couldn’t play pretend with him anymore. 

The press of your warm body against his surprised him, quickly wrapping his arms around your waist. Holding onto you so tightly scared that if he let you go then you would disappear and he’d realize this weekend was just a dream.

“I love it Carmy really, thank you.” Your arms were still wrapped around his neck as the two of you gazed into each other's eyes. 

“Can I,” Carmy paused a laugh escaping his lips at the similarities between this moment and a past one you shared. “Can I kiss you?” 

You wasted no time before you leaned forward pressing a sweet kiss into his lips lingering for a moment to translate the love you felt for him. Carmy’s hand moved up to your jaw, keeping you locked in place against him, his tongue slipping out to caress your bottom lip.

You slowly opened your mouth allowing him in, the softness of his tongue exploring the warmth of your mouth. The kiss was slow, sensual, all the pent-up emotions being shared between the two of you. 

The rhythm Carmy set was easy for you to follow along with, you took the chance to suck on his tongue a bit, losing yourself in the feelings this one kiss was bringing forth.

You parted from Carmy reluctantly, a small smile raised to your lips as you watched him chase you for more. A soft moan escaped you as he began decorating kisses down your jaw and to your neck, tilting your head back to allow him better access, surprise painting your features as he raised you to sit on his counter. 

Carmy continued to study you with his lips, tracing down your pulse point and across your collarbone. It would never be enough for him, he would never be able to satisfy his hunger for you no matter how much of your skin his lips could paint. 

The soft whimpers snatched from your lips going straight to his groin, his hips unconsciously canting against your leg that was in perfect alignment. 

“Touch me Carmy…please,” Carmy swore he could cum from the sound of your begging alone.

But he stopped his ministrations, the realization that he had no idea what he was doing hitting him like a ton of bricks. 

You watched as Carmy pulled away from you chest rapidly puffing up and down as the confusion swept across your face. “Carmy?” Your voice trailed off you couldn’t help the hurt you were feeling, here you were sitting atop Carmy’s kitchen counter dress hiked up to your waist the lacy underwear you had chosen to wear in full view, the straps of your dress pulled down precariously low that the top of your areolas was peeking out. 

You quickly adjusted the top of your dress before hopping off the counter and pulling down the hem. Eyes filling with tears as you were brought back to prom night, memories re-playing all the hurt that came after it. 

Carmy’s head shot up from its place in his hands the tears in your waterline and the way you had shrunken into yourself making him feel like a complete fucking asshole.

“Shit no Baby…I-Fuck!” Carmy watched as you jolted a little at the shout of his voice, he was fucking this up more than it already was.

“Hey, hey,” he closed the distance between the two of you, raising his hands to your jaw and forcing you to look at him. “Baby, I-I’m sorry it's just…I don’t,” Carmy took a deep breath trying to gain his bearings. “I’ve never done this stuff before.” 

Carmy’s eyes followed the emotions crossing your face, a frown painting your face before your eyes widened and your lips parted in the shape of an ‘o’. 

“Carmy…have you never been intimate with anyone before?” Carmy knew your question wasn’t teasing or malicious but he couldn’t help feeling embarrassed at having to admit this to you. 

“I uh, you were my first kiss…and my second kiss just now,” Carmy hung his head in shame, blush rising from his neck to stain his cheeks. 

“Oh my goodness I’m such an asshole,” Carmy looked up at you a chuckle escaping him at your declaration. Your hand reached out to rest against his cheek thumb caressing back and forth. “Carmy I thought you were rejecting me.” Now it was your turn to feel shameful, your first thoughts being selfish ones as opposed to waiting to hear Carmy’s explanation. 

Carmy’s hand came up to grip yours on his cheek, head turning to place a soft kiss on your pulse point. “Let’s sit and eat, yeah?” Carmy waited for your response, smiling at you as you nodded. “I wanna spend as much time together as we can.” 

You pulled him into a sweet kiss, his hands squeezing your waist at the feeling of being able to freely kiss you “I’d like that.” You pulled away the two of you sharing bright smiles as you moved to have the dinner Carmy had so lovingly planned out.

Neither of you pointed out the fact that things would be coming to an end for you two tomorrow, but you’d bask in this loving atmosphere for all the remaining time you two had together. 

You could feel soft lips pressing into the space behind your left ear, your first instinct was worry. Confused by the warm body pressed into you from behind strong arms gripping your waist as though you would disappear at a moment's notice. The memories of the last day with Carmy led you to relax.

A quiet sniffle finally woke you up enough, your eyes opening to the dimly lit room. A familiar head of hair tucked snuggly into your neck, and slight huffs of breaths could be heard.

“Carmy?” The raspiness of your morning voice echoed around the room, you could hear the breathing quiet down a bit, concern spiking in you. 

You began turning wanting to comfort the man you had been in love with for most of your life, it was a struggle as the arms around you tightened but you finally turned to your side Carmy burying his face in your t-shirt-clad chest.

“Carmy, honey,” the lack of response was beginning to worry you, you had shared your fair share of cries with Carmy throughout your friendship but considering the circumstances that brought you together this time around, you couldn’t help but freak out a bit. “Hey, hey look at me yeah?”

“I-I just need a minute please.” The crack of Carmy’s voice went straight to your heart. He maneuvered so the top of his body was laying on your chest and stomach, his lower body settling gently between your legs. 

You leaned forward pressing a lingering kiss to his head before lying back down and slowly stroking your fingers through his hair, wanting to make him as comfortable in this moment as you could. You were content to hold him all day if that’s what he needed.

The two of you laid like that for a while, Carmy’s breathing and sniffling calming down after a few minutes. You watched as Carmy propped himself up on his elbows, pressing a small kiss into the fabric of your shirt over your stomach, a small smile rising to your lips as you watched him.

“Talk to me, Carm?” You watched as he looked up to you, pretty blue eyes swollen from the tears he’d been shedding. 

Carmy moved up a little resting his cheek against your sternum arms wrapped tightly around you, “Uhh, Sug called, said Mikey left something for me.” 

It was quiet as you let his words sink in, a shuddering sigh leaving you as your hands unconsciously began running back through Carmy’s hair. 

You felt Carmy’s hand slip under the shirt of his you were borrowing, fingers gliding across the skin of your stomach lazily tracing circles. The small gesture helped to relax you a bit.

“Did she say anything else?” Your fingernails softly scratched into Carmy’s scalp, the two of you trying to touch each other as much as you possibly could.

Carmy’s chuckle drew your attention, “She uh, asked me to come home.”

Your nails stopped for a minute before you started up again, heart jumping a little in your chest at the idea of Carmy coming back to Chicago, “Are you…going to go home?” The hope in your voice borders on desperation.

Carmy was silent for a moment, hands moving to lift your shirt just underneath your breast before he placed his warm cheek back in its previous position. The news skin-on-skin contact sends chills through both of you. 

“Everything with Mikey kinda made me think about us.” Carmy’s thumb came up, to caress against your rib, dangerously close to your breast. “It just kind of puts into perspective that the people you care about can be here one day…and gone the next.”

The avoidance of your original question was not lost on you, but Carmy opening up may have been better than whatever argument the initial qualm might impose. 

“Baby I-,” you looked at Carmy as he adjusted his position one hand resting against your sternum, his chin plopping onto it. “I um.” He stopped, you followed his movements watching as his eyes closed and he took a deep breath.

“For a while, I’ve known that I feel something for you, but I-I don’t think I can give you what you want.” Your hand slipped from his hair to cup his cheek, hanging on to every word leaving his lips.

Carmy leaned into the palm of your hand, letting himself melt into your touch, cherishing the few moments he had left with you. “And I can’t promise any commitment after today.” The rapid beating of Carmy’s chest could be felt on your stomach, the crack in his voice raising a small smile to your lips. 

You sat up in bed. Carmy looked up at you as you held his chin in your hand, thumb softly tracing his lips as you committed his features to memory. The tiny scars marring his face, the few beauty marks dotted around, connecting them would create a new constellation you swore you’d remember forever. 

Carmy was honest with you, and that’s all you asked of him. Neither of you could promise each other a happy ending after you parted ways and while that hurt, it didn’t make sense to ruin the remaining time the two of you had left dwelling on the future.

“Carmen,” you waited for him to lock eyes with you, a sad smile spread across your features, tears you could no longer hold back coming forth. “I know.” 

Carmy’s lips pressed into your thumb before he gently cupped your neck and reached up so your lips connected. This was only the third kiss the two of you shared, but the intangible love and intimacy that could be felt through the single press of your lips would never dwindle, not for as long as the two of you surrounded yourself with each other.

He raised to his knees both hands entrapping your face, all his passion being poured into this one kiss. Carmy was slightly above you now, the angle forcing you to raise your head to stay connected. His thumb began unconsciously caressing the ‘B’ behind your left ear, a small part of you that had stuck with him ever since he discovered it five years ago.

The kiss intensified as you slipped your tongue between his lips, hands gripping onto his hips as he towered above you in this position. Your tongue moved languidly inside his mouth, small noises escaping the both of you.

Carmy pulled the hair at the nape of your neck, the motion removing your lips from his. “Did you mean what you said?” His breath left him in a huff.

“What?” You were slightly out of breath yourself, confused at what the hell Carmy was on about. 

“What you said about this,” his thumb swiped back and forth against the ‘B’ inked into your skin. “Would you take my last name?” 

You bit your lip, eyes lidded as you searched Carmy’s face, hand moving to grip his soft chin between your forefinger and thumb raising onto your knees so the two of you were eye level.

“Would you like that Carmen? If I let you give me your last name?” A patronizing smile graced your lips, the air between you charged. 

Carmy surged forward hungry for a taste of you, his hands gripped your hair to tug on it a strangled gasp leaving you. The strength with which Carmy took your lips into his forcing your back into the mattress beneath you two, his body hovering over yours. 

Your hand left its place on his chin sliding down to his shoulders caressing the little skin his tank top allowed you to feel. Hands traveling across his chest, the feeling of his toned body under your palms making you needy. You finally made it to the hem of his shirt tugging it up to give you access to the warm skin of his torso.

Carmy parted from you, snatching the shirt over his head before diving back in. Lips leading him to his favorite feature of yours. Your hands wrapped around his shoulders pulling him flush against you, Carmy’s lips ravished your neck as he nipped from your jawline down to your pulse point, teeth sinking in a bit harder.

“Fuck Carmy.” The delicious feeling of Carmen's body against yours, his lips exploring you, hands gripping the skin of your revealed waist. All of it led to the thrust of your hips up into his, it was selfish but you needed him, not that you would force him but whatever he would give you would have to be enough.

Carmy’s sharp intake of breath drew your attention as his hips relentlessly ground into you, hand wandering up your shirt to cup your breast thumb accidentally tracing your nipple. 

Your loud gasp alarmed him. He quickly parted from you saliva connected your lips together as you both took in each other’s disheveled appearances.

“Did I-did I do something wrong?” Sweet Carmy worried that he had ruined the moment. 

You sat up rapidly shaking your head as you stared into his eyes, the both of you breathing heavily, “No, no it was great I promise.”

Carmy nodded gently tracing your jawline as he looked at you, “Baby…I want this moment with you.” The mumble made your heart race, this was a big deal it would change whatever this relationship between the two of you was. 

“Carmy…we don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for.” You searched his eyes hoping he didn’t feel pressured by the noises you were making.

“Have you…done this before?” Carmy forced himself to keep looking at you regardless of the blush he could feel painting his cheeks.

The small nod you gave relieved him a bit, “Does that bother you?” You didn’t think Camry would mind but you knew the male species could be unpredictable. 

“God no, I just don’t wanna disappoint you.” He finally looked away from you embarrassed to have admitted something so personal. 

“You won’t.” You sent him a small smile before guiding his hands to the hem of your shirt helping him to pull it over your head. Watching his beautiful face take in everything you had to offer him. 

His throat bobbed as he took in a large gulp, you could see the uncertainty in his eyes, proving you’d have to take the reins on this one, not that you minded. The thought of telling Carmy how to pleasure you warmed you up even more. 

Your finger reached out to lift Carmy’s chin, directing his eyes to yours, “What do you want to do to me, Carmen?” 

You watched as he blinked eyes tracing your figure, “I just wanna appreciate you, Baby.” The words left his lips in a whisper.

You were taken aback never having heard that before while being intimate. His hands slowly settled on your waist, the safest option “How should I…do that.”

You smiled moving one of his hands to cup your breast, shuddering at the skin-to-skin contact, “We can start with kissing, then I want you to do whatever feels right okay?”

Carmy nodded, giving your breast a slight squeeze a whimper drawing out of you, taking account of your reaction he gently began rubbing his thumb across your pebbled nipple watching your body writhe at the small action. 

He leaned forward pressing a gentle kiss into your forehead, lips moving to your left cheek then your right. A small kiss pressed into each of your closed eyelids and the tip of your nose. Each corner of your lips got its turn before his lips found the space between your nose and upper lip. One more kiss pressed into your chin before finally ending with a sweet kiss to your lips, cherishing every inch of your face he had kissed.

Carmy made his way to your jawline, starting at the right side and tracing to your left, nipping every so often as he continued his journey. Lips slowly tracing from your jawline to your neck, he wasn’t sure what it was but seeing your neck on display for him made him feral, his hips grinding into your as he decorated your neck in love bites. 

“Lay down f’me.” You eagerly listened watching as Carmy planted another soft kiss into your lips before following the map of your collarbones. Lips pressing into your upper chest as both hands came up to softly knead your breast. 

You could feel Carmy’s hard-on pressing against you, as much as you were enjoying this, all you wanted in the world was to finally please Carmy. You slipped your hand between your bodies sliding into the waistband of his boxers, hand gripping him as a strangled moan parted his lips. The soft caress of your hand against him caused his head to spin, this felt different from the times he would stroke himself thinking about you.

“Does this feel good, Carmy?” Your voice was a little deeper, more sensual as you questioned him. “Do you wish it was me making you cum on those lonely nights, hmm?

“Fuck…yes.” The whine of his voice went straight to your core, spurring you on more. 

Your strokes became a little firmer, applying more pressure to provide him more pleasure. His length twitched against your palm the more you rubbed. Carmy had lost all sense of his own ministrations grinding into your hand while still on top of you, he could feel himself close to ecstasy the feel of your warm body underneath him making him lose all control.

“Ba-Baby stop.” You froze immediately forcing your hormones under wrap, Carmy’s comfortability your priority. 

“Are you okay Carm?” The worry in your voice was obvious as you removed your hand from its grip on him. 

“Ye-yeah, I just want to please you right now.” Carmy’s hand moved to grip your rib cage thumb running back and forth against your under boob, “Can I continue showing my appreciation.” The slight desperation in his voice caused you to rapidly nod your head. 

Carmy gave you a small shy smile, moving to kiss the spot he had been tracing during this time. His lips painted across your whole torso, paying extra attention to your stomach, ideas he wasn’t ready to give merit to racing through his mind as he did so.

Finally, he paused at your hips, the solid cotton panties you wore obscured his path, nose caressing the front of your panties as he took in a deep breath allowing your aroma to invade his senses. “Are you going to take off my panties, Carmy?” The condescending tone in your voice went straight to his throbbing cock.

He nodded, wasting no time in peeling the fabric from its home around your hips, ready to replace it with his bare hands. Carmy raised to his haunches, unconsciously licking his lips at the sight of your naked body sprawled so prettily across his bed. All of you on show just for him.

Carmy returned to his previous task lips pressing wet delicate kisses into each of your hips bones, a lingering one placed at the base of your pelvis before turning his attention to your thighs. Lips trailing down your leg special attention paid to the crook of your knees and ankles. 

Carmy’s eyes found yours as he placed the last kiss on your right ankle, both of your pupils blown from the sequence of events that had just taken place. 

You beckoned Carmy forward urging him to find you once again. As he drew closer you grabbed one of his hands placing it on your right breast before moving it down so it caressed the rest of your torso, and down your pelvis finally stopping before the place you needed his touch most.

This was your way of giving him an out, the two of you could stop right here if he wanted to, the slight nod of his head told you otherwise. 

Your grip on his hand changed as you grabbed his forefinger and middle finger, your free hand parting your lower lips as you traced his fingers through your slick, a filthy moan escaping into the bedroom as Carmy’s calloused fingers finally stroked you.

“Do you feel that Carmy?” He nodded his head, eyes not leaving yours for a minute. “It's all for you, you made me feel this good.” 

You moved his fingers lower watching his face as you glided his two fingers into you, biting your lower lip at the hunger in you that was finally being tended to.

Carmy’s mouth fell open as he watched the ecstasy wash over your face, lost in the feeling of touching you in the most intimate way he had ever touched anyone before. His head dropped, eyes watching as you slowly swallowed his fingers, in and out the movement making him achingly hard. 

Carmy’s lips dropped to your ear a shy whisper caressing your ear, “I want to be inside you.” The vulnerability in Carmy’s voice caused you to bite your lip, satisfied that he was finally speaking up about what he wanted. 

“You are.” You teased him, clenching around his digits as his eyes drank you in.

You let out a whine as he removed his fingers from your grip, hand pressing your hip into the bed as he stared you down. “Please…I want this…with you.” The words unsaid weighing heavily between you two.  

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” You watched as he slipped out of his boxers, stroking himself as you watched and waited for your instructions. You motioned for him to lay atop you more noses brushing as he got into position, “I’ll guide you, but I need you to go slow okay, it’ll be a tight fit.” 

Carmy nodded his head, neither of you daring to ask about any contraception too lost in the thoughts of finally connecting in ways the two of you had only dreamed of.

You would come to regret the consequences of this decision later.

A smile split your lips before you surged up to capture Carmy’s lips, needing to distract yourself.

You guided him to your entrance only allowing the tip to go in to not overwhelm Carmy. Your mouth fell open in the shape of an ‘o’ as Carmy eagerly thrust into you, your hand raised to his shoulder to stop his movements.

“Carm, slowly, please.” His eyes met yours taking in the slight pain that his intrusion had caused, he nodded hand raising to cup your cheek.

“You look so beautiful like this.” A tender moment was shared between the two of you as you urged Carmy to continue his journey, shuddered moans escaping the both of you as he reached the hilt.

The feeling of finally being full with Carmy made you emotional, both of you just taking a moment to gaze at each other. Appreciating the finality of this all, Carmy leaned down to kiss a tear running down your cheek that escaped, his own eyes welling up, neither of you could find the right words to cement how much this moment meant to the two of you.

Carmy pulsed inside you the movement caused you to clench around him, “You did so good for me Carmy.” The praise went straight to his cock, eyes rolling back at how good a few words made him feel. 

“Can you move for me, Carm, it’ll make us both feel good.” The soft thrust of his hips was enough for you. 

He continued the slow motion of his hips, eyes connected with yours as the ghost of those three words he struggled to say filtered between the two of you. Your hand raised to wipe the single tear sliding down his cheek.

Nothing in the world could take this moment from the two of you. If Aphrodite could tell the story of your love she would describe it as a tangible heartbreaking thing always growing, and most times fleeting. Something both you and Carmy could touch, feel, and breathe. The love filtering between the two of you was clear as day to anyone who had a heart. 

The warm muscular hand pressed into the flesh of your hip bone driving you crazy. The fingers pressed into you harder and harder with each accompanying thrust. One hand pressed into the pillow by your head keeping the body atop of you from crushing you under its weight. You appreciated the cautionary position, but you had longed for this connection for what felt like ages and you would gladly welcome the weight of the perspiring chest burying you further into the mattress.

A golden gleam caught your eye taking you away from how the tattooed knuckles flexed against your hip every few seconds. You looked to see his golden chain dangling back and forth above your face, taunting you. The sway of the metal matched the rocking motion of his hips, the synchronicity of the two things driving you absolutely wild. Eyes concentrated on the gold chain it was almost like a switch was flipped in you and the catalyst was that fucking gold chain.

Your eyes moved to his face, his pupils blown wide as he stared down at you. You parted your lips his intense gaze causing you to clench down on him unconsciously, his eyes rolling back as his hand left its spot on your hip traveling up your torso thumb softly brushing over your nipple as it found its destination cupping your cheek with such intensity you were sure the shape of his thumb would be imprinted onto your jaw.

His eyes found yours once more, his thumb moving a few inches to softly caress your bottom lip. Your mouth opened on instinct to leisurely suck on his digit a hoarse ‘Fuck’ leaving the warm body that was making you feel so good. You released his thumb, feeling it tug at your bottom lip as his hand found its way back to your cheek.

You watched him above you, the ecstasy in his eyes warming your skin, you’d do anything to be able to please him if he always looked at you in that way. The flash of gold from his chain caught your attention again, the angle of his thrust causing you to gasp, a softly whispered moan of “Carmy,” leaving your lips. Carmy’s chain hovered above your open mouth begging to be taken between your teeth, you appeased your desires, your tongue latching onto the chain as you brought it to settle between your teeth. Carmy’s hips fucking into you at a slightly faster pace, your leg wrapping around his waist the heel of your foot pressing into his back to bring the two of you impossibly closer. 

“Fuck-Baby, shit!” Watching Carmy struggle for words had never been as sexy as it was at that moment. Knowing that you were the cause of his incoherent muttering. 

“Please, Carmy,” another gasp ripped through you, your teeth losing hold of Carmy’s signature gold chain. “Mmm yes, Carmen. Just like that.” You settled for whispering in his ear, the new position you had chosen had his head resting against your collarbone, his ear directly next to your mouth. You could feel Carmy’s hand moving from your cheek to clench your jaw between his thumb and remaining fingers. His hand moved your head to reveal your neck the feeling of soft wet kisses making a path to your ear, Carmy’s thrust slowing slightly.

You could feel his breath against your cheek, the soft whine he let out as your cunt clenched around him. His lips pressed against the shell of your ear, “Say that again.” His rough voice traveled through you, the thumping of your clit beating faster and faster.

“Just like that.” You moaned wanting to please him as much as he wanted to please you. 

His fingers dug into your chin, the roughness of his touch causing a high-pitched moan to leave your lips. “Sa-say my name?” The request made your head spin.

“Carm-,” Carmy’s hand returned to its earlier position holding himself above you causing your leg to drop back to the bed.

“N-no,” the strain in his voice was evident as he tilted your head down to stare directly into your eyes. “M-my name sa-say it. Please.” 

You bit your lip his whiny plea going straight to your clit. Your hand reachesdup to match his fingers gripping his chin firmly. Your blown pupils searching his wide doe eyes. It was hard to distinguish where the blue began and the black ended. Your faces were inches apart, you could tell from his breathing that your grip on his chin stirred something inside him. The soft rocking of his hips into yours caused your bottom lips to caress each other in the rhythm he had set.

“Carmen.” The syllables of his name left your mouth in a wanton moan, there was a moment where the thrusting of Carmy’s hips came to a slow stop before he surged forward and messily captured your lips in a kiss full of tongues and moans. Carmy’s hips began rutting into yours, the speed and intensity sending you both into a spiral. Your hand lost its grip on his chin to slither between your bodies matching Carmy’s pace and applying it to your clit. 

The grip on your chin was gone as Carmy’s hand followed the path yours had previously taken sending a soft squeeze to your breast. “Te-teach me how.” God you could’ve cum from that sentence alone. You began rapidly nodding your head before placing your hand atop his own guiding his index and middle finger into generously massaging your clit. 

“Car-Carmen, don’t stop please don’t stop.” Your voice leaves you in a sharp cry.

“Yeah? Is this good?” Your unabashed moan did more to answer Carmy’s question than any words could.

“Carmeee, I’m gonna come, please.” The banging of the headboard against the wall an indication of just how fast Carmy was thrusting into you.

“Whe-where should I-,” You could hear the slight panic in Carmy’s voice, assuming he was on the cusps of an orgasm as well.

“In me Carmy jus- all of it.” His fingers pressed into your clit going at a pace your brain couldn’t keep up with.

The speed of Carmy’s breathing increased. His head finding its way back into the crook of your neck, lips scattering kisses across your neck, “I’ll give it to you all. M’ gonna give you everything.” The sound of Carmen’s voice so quiet you weren’t sure if he had intended anyone else’s ears to hear it.

Whatever Carmen’s intentions his words were the last thing you needed to hear before bliss took over your senses. Your orgasm washed over you in waves, the intensity causing loud moans to escape your lips, clenching Carmy’s cock so hard you were sure it must’ve been painful. 

Riding the high of your orgasm, Carmen’s deep drawn-out groan vibrated into your neck as you felt him give two final rapid thrusts before the dam he had been holding back finally burst inside you. You felt his thrust slow down as he began peppering kisses across your face, “Thank you, thank you.” His voice trailed off into a whisper before his full body weight settled into you.

Now that the bed was no longer threatening to put a hole through his wall, the only sound filling the bedroom was the panting breaths you and Carmy were letting out.

Carmy looked up at you, the wetness on his cheeks matching yours. His forehead leaned against yours the vulnerability the two of you had for each other on full show. Breaths of love were shared between you as your lips gently touched. You knew the words you wanted to say at this moment, felt them so deep in your soul that your tears wouldn’t cease their downpour.

But you also knew how flighty the beautiful man in front of you was, it hurt but you would once again have to swallow your love for this man to ensure he remained in your life.

You laughed as Carmy hovered atop of you the Polaroid he gifted you in his hands the device raised to his eye. Your arm was thrown over your face the fact that the two of you were in this position at all still mind blowing . Carmy nudged your arm, he had been snapping photos of you for a while now, both of you ignoring the fact that he should have been getting ready for work instead of laying with your naked body barely covered under him. 

“Show me that smile, pretty girl,” you slowly moved your arm, the smile splitting your face hard to control. “You seem to like my chain so much, I want to remember what you look like in it.” Carmy could be devilish when he wanted to, the way he would sometimes gain confidence and say what was on his mind, throwing you for a loop.

Your eyes left the camera in his hand as you stared at his face, so enchanted with who Carmy was as a person. Only being jolted out of your trance as the Polaroid fluttered out of the camera and landed on the center of your chest. 

Carmy moved the camera smiling down at you before picking up the photo and examining it, the corner of his lips ticking up in a half smile. He placed the picture on the other pillow where all the other Polaroids were sprawled out. You watched as he set the camera down next to your head cupping your jaw before leaning down and pressing a firm kiss into your forehead a mumbled ‘Perfect’ escaped his lips. 

“Will you take a picture with me Carmy,” your words came out shyly hoping he would agree. You felt his nose nuzzle into your neck planting a small kiss on your tattoo before moving to lay next to you in the bed. 

You reached over to plant a soft kiss on his cheek before grabbing the camera from its spot by your head. You raised it watching as the soft smile graced Carmy’s face, your eyes not wanting to leave the perfect view of his side profile that you had fallen in love with, finger accidentally slipping, the sound of the camera shutter filled the space between you too.

Carmy pulled the photo out waiting for it to develop as he looked in your direction. A wide grin took over his face just by looking at you, your hand began lowering the camera before his hand shot out and raised your hand, and the camera back up quickly pressing your finger into the button to capture this moment in time. 

You let him grab the camera from your hands before he placed it on the nightstand, once again holding your face in place as the two of you shared your softest kiss yet. 

— — — —

You watched as Carmy maneuvered around his room slipping into a clean pair of chef whites, he was late and you could tell he was panicking on the inside but didn’t want to worry you. The two of you had wasted away in the shower washing each other's bodies and holding each other under the hot spray of water. Neither of you wanted to leave the confines of the shower, knowing your time together was finally expiring.

You sat on the bed with your legs pulled up to your chest, chin resting atop them, a fresh pair of panties, and his deep green crew neck from last night your only form of clothing. The tension between the two of you had been broken the moment Carmy realized just how behind schedule he was, shoving reality down your throat as the game of pretending the two of you had been playing was finally snuffed out.

Carmy’s eyes landed on you in his rush clocking the glaze of your eyes, head not rationalizing why you might be upset at the moment. Finally gathering all his necessities he rushed over to you kneeling in front of you pressing one last kiss onto your forehead.

“I’ll be home soon, yeah.” You closed your eyes, the words breaking your heart into pieces.

“Yeah, be safe okay?” Carmy smiled, capturing your lips in his for the last time tonight hand cupping the back of your head to hold you in place.

The two of you separated small side smiles mirroring each other, both of you knew that Carmy would return home to an empty apartment tonight, but neither of you would voice that truth. 

You followed him to the front door needing to see him off before your return to Chicago. He opened the door lingering between the door and the hallway hand gripping yours before pressing a soft kiss into the pulse point at your wrist.

You shared small smiles as Carmy made his way to leave, sending you one last wave before he disappeared down the hallway.

Your closed the door, forehead pressing into it as you stood there trying to gain your bearings, doing your best to control your tears as you knew this moment was inevitable.

A soft “I love you, Carmen.” Breathed into the empty apartment soft enough for it to feel like a ghost had whispered those words and not you.

But not quiet enough that the man who returned on the other side of the door missed the declaration. 

Heart thudding in his chest. His hand ready to turn the keys in the doorknob dropped to his side. His feet shuffled backward as he took one last glance at the door before reverting to his journey to work.

He could go one day without his signature chain that he had so lovingly placed around your delicate neck.

a/n: idk what to say really…enjoy : ) [actually no this is my first smut so please let’s learn from carmy’s mistakes and don’t come for me 😉] i’m like the only person on the planet who thinks i’m funny that’s how laughable it is 😭

taglist: @wheredidmycrowngo @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @rexorangecouny @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @fandomhopped @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @jointherebellion215 @jackierose902109 @blkbxrbie-esther @ajordan2020 @head-slut-in-charge @magnet-girl @thebookwormlife @sevikasblackgf @writers-hes @senassn @bunnysthngs @gabbycoady13 @randomhoex @mattmurdocksstarlight @shinebright2000 @royalestrellas @jam1esl0v4 @globetrotter28 @dankfarrick29 @r0s3mm @flowersgirl02 @beingalive1 @fairytale07 @saturnheart @recklessgiraffelife @khena @kailyn-g05 @ovaqma @fire-treasure-iii @frequentnosebleeder @gcidrvsh @awatt31 @cauliflowerpatch

please message me if you’d like to be removed from the tag list