#alm process

[lovecatsys]

having a hard time learning to accept someone who used to be transphobic coming out as trans. like you used to make me scared to exist as myself. now you say youre one of us. i want to accept you but i still cant help thinking abt the stuff u said.

[naoreco]

now this is the really self indulgent one

my headcanon is that modern au alm is the kind of guy who wears a hoodie and shorts in sub zero weather. i’m not sure if it’s accurate but he’s got the cold tolerance for it. like this

[how-serene]

In Your Eyes

Pairing - Dwayne (Lost Boys) x Neutral!Reader

Summary - A night on the boardwalk with Dwayne.

Word Count - 775

Warnings - fluff, mentions of smoking, no use of y/n, pet names

A/N - Billy Wirth, you absolute beauty.

Santa Carla’s cool breeze washed over your face. Behind you, the shrieks and laughter of friends broke through the crashing of the waves. They danced wildly around a bonfire, Mötley Crüe booming through a radio speaker. Despite the night bringing a cold chill, hoards of people still strolled along the boardwalk. Even from your place on the pier, you could feel the public’s infectious excitement. 

You leaned against the rickety railing, a cigarette held loosely between your fingers. Summer’s full moon hung high, reflecting off of the rippling waves of the water. Stars blinked down at you, against the sky’s black canvas. The pungent smell of the ocean invaded your airways, mixing with the bitter smoke. 

A pair of leather cladded arms snaked around your waist, startling you. 

“Hey, baby,” Dwayne purred, breath fanning against your ear. His hands traveled down to rest on your hips, squeezing at the flesh. 

“You’re late,” you pointed out, fighting back a grin. 

He merely hummed at your words, instead choosing to leave faint kisses on your shoulder. Even through the thick fabric of your shirt, his lips still managed to leave your skin buzzing.

Dwayne trailed his lips up, til he met the shell of your ear again. His rough hands turned you to properly face him, the railing pressed into your back. 

“Got caught up with something,” he explained, dark eyes shining down at you. 

From the faint ruby stain in the corner of his lip, you understood very quickly what that something was. You brought your thumb up, to swipe at the red smudge. The corner of his lip quirked up, carefully watching your movement. 

“You’re cold,” he noticed, leaning into your touch. 

“”The pier isn’t exactly the warmest place on earth.” 

“How long have you been waiting?” 

“Thirty minutes, give or take.” You shrugged, letting your hand fall back down to your side. 

Dwayne sighed, dark brown eyes drifting past you to stare out at the ocean waves. The wind had picked up, now faintly brushing against his thick black hair. He seemed lost, caught in a whirlwind of thoughts you couldn’t begin to decipher. 

You tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear, effectively getting his attention. His eyes softened, sweeping over you. 

“Wanna know what’s been on my mind all night?” You asked, brushing the tip of your nose against his. Dwayne’s sweet mouth was only centimeters away from yours. His hands slipped up the back of your shirt, the cool silver rings he wore ghosting over the skin.

“What is it, doll?” he muttered, lips grazing the corner of your mouth. Patiently waiting for you to speak. His unshaven stubble scraped against your chin.

You planted a firm kiss on his cheek, before pulling back. 

“Winning that giant stuffed panda I saw near the balloon darts.” 

The pier was alive, as bright neon lights illuminated the boardwalk. The flood of patrons rushed past you, of kids dragging their parents by the cuff of their sleeves, or friends huddled together like packs of wolves. All vying for that last ride on the Ferris wheel, or an overpriced corndog before the park closed for the night. 

You walked, with Dwayne’s arm slung over your shoulders, and a stuffed Panda lovingly held in your hands. 

“Since when were you so good at darts, mister?”

Dwayne sheepishly smiled, glancing down at you, “Just one of my many talents.” 

You snorted, bumping your hip with his. It was odd, at times you realized. Dwayne smelled of cigarettes, and cheap booze most likely snagged from the victims of bonfire parties. His mouth tasted of mint, and nicotine when he would kiss you. There was always something beyond it though, a metallic taste your mind would block out before you could process it. 

Even though you knew. 

He appeared so human at times, it knocked you back. It was almost easy to brush off the strange coolness of his skin, or the carnivorous look in his features when a hoard of people would pass by you two. 

Then there were moments when the human-like quality of Dwayne overshadowed everything else. Moment’s like now, when he pressed you into his side, grinning as he peppered kisses over your hairline. You giggled, leaning back away from him, your heart thudding in your chest. Up ahead, his pack was gathered around a picnic-table, lazily leaning against it. Their ravenous gaze met yours, locked on your approaching form. Marko, with an infectious toothy smile and unkempt golden hair, waved at you. Dwayne grumbled, muttering something under his breath.

You were reminded that monsters lurked on every corner. 

In Santa Carla, at least. 

[pompomqt]

Journey to the West Chapter 50

This chapter of Journey to the West with @journeythroughjourneytothewest marks the end of book 2, and is the midway point of the entire story. We're halfway there everyone, so let's get into it shall we?

So the gang are walking along, and since we've had to many river adventures lately, it's time for another mountain one. Tripitaka as usual expresses his worry over wolves and tigers, and Monkey once again assures him that he has nothing to worry about since he has them. Anyways so they walk along the mountain for a while before Tripitaka starts getting hungry, and just in time to since he spots some lights in the distance that must be a village or something they can stay at.

However once Monkey takes a look at the place he goes 'Nope. Can't do it. It's demon infested.' Luckily Tripitaka is willing to take his word for it, at least for the moment, but the problem that he is still hungry remains. So Monkey has Tripitaka dismount so he can rest while Monkey goes to fetch him some food from somewhere. He gives Sandy the reins to the horse an tells him to just wait here and guard master until he comes back. With that settled, Monkey is about to leave but seems to think better of it with Tripitaka's track record of summoning man eating demons by just breathing. So he uses his staff to draw a protection circle around them. He tells them not to leave the circle because it will be able to protect them, when Tripitaka agrees and settles in, Monkey finally feels secure enough to leave him for the time being.

So Monkey finds some random village 1000 miles due south from them, and goes to beg for some food. The random village person he asks is surprised to see him, and says if he wants to head west he's probably better off trying to find the main road then beg for food here. Monkey tells him that's not a problem, and that his master is waiting for him there now. When the villager questions if Tripitaka won't starve to death by the seven days it should take Monkey to travel that far, Monkey assures him that such a journey will only take him a few minutes at most. The villager decides that, that is a major red flag, and he'd really rather not deal with something like Monkey, who must be a ghost or something and tries to turn him down.

The man tries to tell him to just go somewhere else, after all, their dinner isn't even ready yet, but Monkey insists that he can wait. The man tries whacking Monkey with his staff to get him to go away, and Monkey just kind of lets him to get it out of his system. He says the man can hit him as much as he wants, but each hit will cost him one pint of rice. Hearing this the man slams his door shut and runs into his house screaming about ghosts and whatever. Since the man said that they were currently in the process of cooking dinner, Monkey decides to just go to the kitchens to serve himself, so he turns himself invisible and waltzes right in. Seeing the cooked rice he fills his alms bowl before taking off to return to Tripitaka.

Meanwhile Tripitaka is getting bored of waiting for Monkey, and Pigsy, the voice of unreason, agrees. He says that Monkey is probably just playing around while leaving them imprisoned here at the mercy of the tigers and demons, after all, how can a circle possibly protect them? They should just go to that village they saw before and get some food and shelter there, Monkey is fast anyways, he'll be able to catch up no problem. Thoroughly persuaded by this plan, Tripitaka leaves the circle and the four of them head towards the demon infested buildings. Dang it Sandy, Monkey left you in charge to be the voice of common sense!

They make their way to a fancy manor, and since no one is outside to greet them, Pigsy says he'll go in and talk to them. Which is not the usual plan of Tripitaka using his pretty privilege to let them get their way, but he agrees to it anyway, and just tells Pigsy not to offend anyone. Pigsy say's he'll be fine since he's acquired some manners since becoming a bhuddist, so he walks inside in a civil manner. Before abandoning all civility when he goes to the second floor to find a large skeleton, and three silk vests, which he of course immediately takes. In Pigsy's defense he does spare a few tears and words for the skeleton before stealing from his house, so I guess he really has learned some manners.

Pigsy comes back outside and tells them about the skeleton and the three vests he found. He encourages Tripitaka to wear one of them to get warm. Tripitaka however is horrified, and reprimands Pigsy for stealing, and tells him to put it back. Pigsy however says that it's not stealing if there are no witnesses around and puts a vest on anyways, with Sandy following suit. As soon as they put them on however, the vests immediately constrict turning themselves into straitjackets and binding them. Whaaaaat? A trap? What a turn of events! Who could have seen this coming? Tripitaka makes sure to yell at them loudly enough to wake the whole demon town while he tries to untie them. And sure enough the whole group is then captured.

So Tripitaka is forced to kneel to the demon of the week, and try and explain why they were stealing their garments. Tripitaka of course tearfully explains the story and says that they were of course going to return the vest, and begs the demon to spare their lives. The Demon of course has no intention of sparing them, especially not since Tripitaka is the delicious golden cicada he has heard so much about. Luckily before he can go to far into making his dinner plans, Pigsy chimes in that their other disciple is the Great Sun Wukong who caused great havoc in heaven five hundred years ago. As usual this gives the demon pause, so he decides to just tie them up and wait until he's captured Sun Wukong so he can kill and eat them all together.

Meanwhile, Sun Wukong has returned to where he left them, only to find his protection circle empty, and not only that the demon village from earlier is also gone. So Monkey starts dejectedly following the horse tracks to try and find his wayward master, when suddenly he comes across two travels, an old and young man. Monkey decides to ask them if they have seen his companions, and the old man answers that he saw them get kidnapped by the Great King One-Horned Buffalo, who is a rather powerful demon apparently. Monkey isn't fussed about the possible danger, and is about to offer the old man the rice he got as thanks, when suddenly the two reveal themselves to be the local mountain gods. They offer to preserve the rice for him to give to Tripitaka later, Monkey is pissed at the subterfuge, but allows them to take the rice anyways.

So Monkey finds his way to the demon's lair, and tells the minion demon's that are guarding the door to go tell their master to release his master. So the minions tell the Buffalo demon that Wukong is here to pick a fight, which the demon is hyped about, after all he's been looking for a good fight. So the demon gets dressed in his armor and grabs his spear and goes out looking for a fight along with his minion army. So Monkey once again repeats that the demon should give him back his Master, but the demon replies that, he only captured Tripitaka because he was stealing from him. Monkey says that Tripitaka would never do that! Which is right, but unfortunately Pigsy would do that, so the two begin to fight.

The two fight for a while and the Demon is very impressed by Wukong's abilities, saying his abilities really are worthy of someone who caused so much trouble in heaven. Eventually though, the Demon orders his demons to attack- which is never really a problem for Sun Wukong. And indeed Wukong throws his staff into the air to duplicate it and take out all the minions at once. Turns out this is what the demon was waiting for however, since the demon then tosses up a shiny fillet and tosses it into the air and sucks up Monkey's staff. Monkey now unarmed, flee's the battle to re-evaluate his life choices.

Current Sun Wukong Stats: Names/Titles: Monkey, The Stone Monkey, The Handsome Monkey King, Sun Wukong (Monkey awakened to the void), Bimawen (Banhorseplague), The Great Sage Equal To Heaven and Pilgrim Sun. Immortality: 5 + 94,000 years Weapon: The Compliant Golden Hooped Rod (Sucked into a fillet) Abilities: 72 Transformations, Cloud-Somersault, Ability to transform his individual hairs, super strength, Ability to Summon Wind, Water restriction charm, and the ability to change into a huge war form, ability to duplicate his staff, ability to immobilize others, the ability to put others to sleep, and the Fiery eyes and Diamond Pupils, intimidating horses, churning large bodies of water, sleeplessness, seizing the wind, enhanced smell, discerning good and evil within a thousand miles, Spirit Summoning, lock picking, object transformation, distance reduction, vanishing in a flash of light, super healing, transforming others, and invisibility Demon Kill Count: 9+ Unknown Number of Minions Human Kill Count: 1009 God's Defeated: 22 + Unknown number Defeats: 6 Crime List: Robbery, Murder, Mass Murder, Arson, Theft, Coercion, Threatening a Government Official, Resisting Arrest, Assault, Forgery, Employee Theft, False Imprisonment, Impersonating a Government Official, Treason, attempted murder, failure to control or report a dangerous fire, desecrating a corpse, breaking and entering, trespassing, violating Tree Law, looting corpses, trading counterfeit goods, criminal threat, animal abuse, Assisting or Instigating Escape, Damage to Religious Property, contaminating a substance for human consumption and Identity Fraud. Cry Count: 7 + 3 fake cries Mountains Trapped Under: 4

Current Tang Sanzang stats: Names/Titles: River Float, Xuanzang, Tang Sanzang, Tripitaka and the Tang Monk Abilities: Curing Blindness, making branches point a certain direction (allegedly), reciting sutras, pretty privilege, memorization, Heart Sutra and Meditation. Cry Count: 26 Tight Fillet Spell Uses: 31 Paralyzed by fear: 5 Bandit Problems: 2 Kidnapped by demons: 8 Falling Off Horses: 8

Current Bai Long Ma Stats: Names/Titles: Bai Long Ma (White Dragon Horse), Prince of the Western Ocean, and third prince jade dragon of the dragon king Aorun Abilities: Transforming into a human, a water snake, and a horse, eating a horse in one bite, flight, Magic of Water Restriction, Singing, and Sword Dancing. Cry Count: 1 Crime List: Arson, and Grave Disobedience. Contributions to the plot: 2 Kidnapped by demons: 1

Current Zhu Wuneng Stats: Names/Titles: The Marshal of the Heavenly Reeds, Zhu Wuneng (Pig who is aware of ability), Zhu Ganglie, Pigsy, Idiot and Eight Rules. Weapon: Rake Abilities: 36 Transformations, parting water, fighting underwater, cloud soaring, size enhancement and CPR Demon Kill Count/Kill steals: 2 Kidnapped by Demons: 4 Human Kill Count: 1 Failed Flirtation/romances Attempts: 3 Cry Count: 2 Crime List: Sexual Harassment, Murder, Kidnapping, arson, defamation, Damage to Religious Property, contaminating a substance for human consumption, Identity Fraud and Theft

Current Sha Wujing Stats: Names/Titles: The Curtain-Raising General, Sha Wujing (Sand Aware of Purity), Sandy and Sha Monk Weapon: Monster Taming Staff Abilities: Fighting underwater and Cloud soaring. Demon Kill Count: Unknown number of minions. Kidnapped by Demons: 3 Human Kill Count: 1 Crime List: Breaking a Crystal Cup, murder, desecration of a human corpse, Damage to Religious Property and contaminating a substance for human consumption

[xluna-reclipse]

The devotion of a Lan and why Lan Xichen will never marry

(unless that person is Jin Guangyao)

From the likes of Lan An down to Lan Wangji, the Lan, at times tragic, were deeply romantic and always faithful. It’s hard to consider love at first sight to be a genetic trait, but the evidence doesn’t lie. Not a single Lan married a person they did not love. Not a single Lan moved on after the loss of their soulmate.

Lan Forehead Ribbon

The mark of a Lan is their forehead ribbon. At first glance, it is a symbol of self-control. In actuality, it is a blatant declaration of wild passion. The ribbon which represents the obligation to regulate oneself, can only be removed by a destined one? Isn’t this just another way of saying, the three thousands rules are to contain us, for in the name of our soulmate AND ONLY for our soulmate, we observe no laws, no bonds, no morals? The Lan follow the dao, but not even the intentions and punishments of heaven can hold them back from their Destined One. 

The Lan are kind and just to everyone. The woman who crosses the street. The child who begs for alms. The man who nearly drowns. They are all the same, no more, no less deserving of help. The world is a calm and reassuring beige, every tragedy of equal hue and intensity, every joy a drop of water in a deep well. 

Only the Instance of Lan is that great disturbance in their life. A warmth worth suffering for.

It’s fascinating to look at all the joy and pain that love brought the Lan. 

And the singular way they dealt with loss.

Lan concept of love

The common process of the Lan romance is a strong initial first spark. Love at first sight (or first fight for Lan Wangji). 

After that comes devotion. Devotion during life is to seek to be with the other. Lan An and Qingheng-jun married their Destined Ones. Lan Xichen would disappear for months at a time to see Jin Guangyao. Lan Wangji tried his best, appearing at the burial mounds in Wei Wuxian’s first life, but was chased away time and again. In his second life, he drags Wei Wuxian back to the Cloud Recesses and follows him on his adventures. The first part of devotion is to keep your north pointed towards your soulmate.

The second part, is to not hurt others, or involve third parties. The ability to refuse to marry, unless that person is the one you love, is quite admirable. There will never be a Jiang Fengmian in the Lan family, someone who marries a woman he doesn’t love and causes both family and wife to be subject to rumors and mockery, children to self-doubt and insecurity. No Lan marries for convenience. They marry out of love or not at all. It must be reassuring to such a deeply romantic family, to not have to be forced by their elders into loveless matches. (Otherwise, before asking Lan Xichen to marry, Lan Qiren would be served to platter.) Lan Xichen already anticipates this and treats Lan Jingyi as heir. 

Then at the end, after your Fated One passes away, the Lan leave too.

The founder of the Sect set a poignant example for all of his descendent after. Lan An left the monastery for the love of his life and returned to the mountain, leaving not even dust behind after they left. 

Lan Yi, in the Untamed has a hinted romance with Baoshan Sanren. While she did not witness her lover die, she never married another person. She also spent the rest of her days in seclusion.

Qingheng-jun fell in love at first sight and stood against sect and world to marry and protect her. He paid for her ‘sins’ as if they were his. And after she died, he did not leave seclusion until his death during the war.

The current Sect Leader, Lan Xichen also went into retreat after the love of his life died. And he will never leave unless Jin Guangyao returns, or in pursuit of Jin Guangyao’s return.

Not even Lan Wangji was an exception. Sometimes people will say that he moved on with his life after Wei Wuxian’s life, citing his night hunts as an example. But actually, Lan Wangji ‘appeared wherever there was chaos.’ Why? Because he was looking for Wei Wuxian. Because he wanted to be there if Wei Wuxian found himself in trouble (which Lan Wangji was right, Wei Wuxian nearly gets dragged back to Lotus Pier immediately). Lan Wangji never ‘moved on.’ He was waiting. He was searching. Why was it so easy for him to accept Wei Wuxian had returned from the dead? Because he was hoping it would happen. Wei Wuxian had already ‘died’ in the eyes of the world once before, when he was kicked into the Yiling Burial Mounds by the Wen. But! Wei Wuxian returned stronger than ever, albeit with literal ghosts, but he was back all the same.

He was different than his father and ancestors. He was lucky to love the Yiling Laozu. Wei Wuxian was exceptional. He proved the dead could return--sentient! Why did Lan Wangji have to live as dead when his heart had not died?

Lan Xichen will never remarry. Because he’s already married. The moment he looked into the eyes of his savior amidst the flames of war, his ribbon found an owner. Why would he marry when his clan will not ask it of him? Why did he raise Lan Jingyi like his heir, a child whose entitlement and sass can only be rivaled by Jin Ling? A child who is capable of being rude to Sect Leaders with out repercussion? A child who oozes the confidence of someone loved, respected, and of high rank, when he is a supposed orphan? Because he is the heir Lan Xichen prepared when he realized he had already found the love of his life. 

And the love of his life had married a woman. But that is irrelevant in the face of the Love of a Lan. It does not matter if the other party does not love me (Qingheng-jun, I’m squinting at you; Lan Wangji who asks what is to be done when the person he wants to protect refuses to return with him), what matters is that I love them. And that they do not want my ribbon, does not make it any less theirs (when Lan Xichen cancels the permission of the jade order, but tells Jin Guangyao that it still belongs to him). 

Why did he, after the death of Jin Guangyao, retreat as Lan An did for his Fated One, as Qingheng-jun did for his wife, as a Lan does for his soulmate?

And why, do we find it tragic?  

Lan Xichen before Jin Guangyao was untouched by worldly emotions. Because of Jin Guangyao, he descended from the dais and was made human. 

Lan An cultivated in the monastery, because of his Destined One, he went down the mountain. When that person left, he left too. 

All he did was return from whence he came.

While I believe Lan Xichen will open the coffin because even if he does not want to, the Lan owe Jin Guangyao, a life in seclusion is not to be pitied.

A gift for Meng Haoran

I love a Master Meng, exalted across the world. The beauty abandoned his post, to rest white-haired in seclusion. Often drinking under the moon, preferring flowers to the king. To the mountain I long to reach, this disciple can only bow here.

Li Bai Translated by Luna_reclipse

赠孟浩然 (Zèng mènghàorán)

吾爱孟夫子， 风流天下闻 wú ài mèng fūzǐ, fēngliú tiānxià wén 红颜弃轩冕， 白首卧松云 hóngyán qì xuān miǎn, b��i shǒu wò sōng yún 醉月频中圣， 迷花不事君 zuì yuè pín zhōng shèng, mí huā bu shì jūn 高山安可仰,  徒此挹清芬 gāoshān ān kě yǎng, tú cǐ yì qīng fēn

李白 (lǐ bái)

Lan Xichen’s soulmate is Jin Guangyao and he will never trade him out.

Liu Haikuan, the actor who portrayed Lan Xichen in the Untamed, said in an interview, that Lan Xichen will never leave seclusion without Jin Guangyao.

Zhu Zanjin, the actor who portrayed Jin Guangyao in the Untamed, said that the relationship between Lan Xichen and JIn Guangyao is the same as that between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. 

The Lan through their now 4000 precepts, have bound themselves with rule after rule with only one release. And because of this Destined One, descend to become mortal, and without them, return to the mountain.

Lan Xichen has proven through layers and layers of Lan patterns that his soulmate is Jin Guangyao and this soulmate was worth it.

I leave you with Liu Haikuan’s words, “Both of their lives were tragic, but the relationship they had was not a tragedy. A-Yao, through the end, was very good to Lan Xichen.”  (他们两个的人生各自都是悲剧，但这段友情不是悲剧，阿瑶直到最后还是对曦臣很好.)

[polinamory]

Just a piece of my daydreaming

tw blood torture and mention of death

At some point, Dream began to pray. There was simply nothing else to do. God's alms are his last hope. He did not even ask for release or an end to the torture. He didn't ask for food or sunlight. Dream didn't need it anymore.

He asked for death.

Any. Dream himself believed that he did not deserve a painless death. Sometimes in his prayers he wished for a knife or a sword. At least one piece of glass. Not that Dream thought he would be able to kill himself, but he wouldn't give up the right to try.

More often than not, he whispered prayers at the end of Quackity's visits.

"I wish I could bleed to death."

Then Dream tried to look as non-painful as possible, so that Quackity would think that he could stand it more. To deliver a blow that he couldn't survive. So that he doesn't have time to run to the bars for regeneration potions and a bucket of cold water.

Coming back from the dead is the worst feeling of all. When Dream was already mentally saying goodbye to everyone and allowed himself a slight smile, thinking that it was over, but then he woke up screaming on the floor again, in a puddle of water, blood and potions. And then Quackity punished him for it. Quackity did not give permission to die.

Another unpleasant experience is getting lost in days. When he lost consciousness in the process of another torture, and woke up when the bars were lowered again and Quackity started a new one.

[beesmygod]

What's BSB's deal

hhhhuhgggghh okay. look. this is where im at in the overall explanation of bloodborne and looking into everything about old yharnam brought me to a screeching halt. like, the threads i started pulling would uncover more stuff that wasn't just the surface level lore stuff. it made me download the stupid map thing so i could actually REALLY, REALLY look at the statues in old yharnam. like i've been so stupid into it that i had to take a break bc i felt like i was becoming terminally lore-brained.

okay, so. in the chalice dungeons, there are special gilded coffins that act as chest, but they only contain things you would find in a coffin (blood, flesh, bones, etc). each of these coffins has a body in them. these bodies are decomposing in a bizarre way: they are petrifying and then crumbling (usually starting with the fingers and hands). this unusual decomposition process is depicted in the statue that blocks the entrance to old yharnam. note the hands (only the thumb has broken in the old yharnam statue):

i really, really get into detail about those coffins in the document and come to the conclusion that they were pthumerian royalty, and almost certainly entirely women. it seems like the kings were chopped into parts or used in ceremony. source: Dude Trust Me (for brevity's sake).

the statue depicts a much fresher corpse revealing that the desiccation is a result of the body becoming mummified. my theory is that pthumerian queens served the same function that "blood saints" do in yharnam and both were used as vessels for blood. ultimately, both would also be bled until they were dried up husks and then deified as saints. this same figure in the old yharnam statue also appears in the church of the good chalice.

the church of the good chalice was, of course, a place where blood was worshiped and given as alms in a process known as "blood ministration". the chalice in question permits access to the chalice dungeons. do you see all of these narrative connections. now.

as for the blood-starved beast (BSB), we fight them all over the place: in the church of the good chalice, in the hintertomb, in loran, and as a regular enemy in the nightmare where one as been swept away. but, one thing tying these locations together is that all of these places are places where one would expect to find a blood-drained saint or former queen. to make it even more explicit, there is the giant, crucified, and exsanguinated BSB being worshiped by the beast patients.

fromsoft has always loved their deliberately misleading names: the blood-starved beast is not simply hungry for blood, it's devoid of it. the flaps of its back skin are laid over its face to echo the hoods of the female church sets.

the BSB was once a blood saint of old yharnam. don't believe me still?? fine but maybe you should REALLY look at the beast before you write me off. because i don't know about you, but this looks much more like the bloodlickers of cainhurst than the beasts of yharnam!

[ro-botany]

I never ended up finishing Shadows of Valentia (I know, I know, I’m getting to it), so it was... probably about a year or so after the game came out that I heard anything about the extra Grima backstory it introduced. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I didn’t know if the Big Bad Evil Guy in Awakening really needed that much backstory, given that at the time I felt their role in the story was as a force of nature more than an individual.

Now that it’s had time to stew though, and my interest in Awakening has been piqued again by that Risen King Chrom unit in FEH... I’ve been doing some thinking on that whole situation, and I might be changing my mind. It adds some interesting flavour to Grima and to Robin.

I’m a bit fuzzy on the timeline of Archanea’s history, but the important part for right now is, of course, Forneus. The man who created Grima. There’s a lot of Frankenstein DNA in Grima’s origins, enough that I feel like it HAS to be intentional.

We’ve got a scientist consumed by grief over the death of a loved one who starts experimenting with creating life, who manages to make a creature, only to near immediately find terrifying. The scientist eventually tries to kill their creation and dies in the process. Similar too is the stories’ insistence that the creations are inherently bad, were evil from the very start... in direct contradiction to the order of events begging you to sympathize with the creature.

A young Grima, barely a baby, smiled at their creator; and their creator thought that terrifying. They were only a few months old when their own father tried to kill them and they were forced to defend themself. They were sealed in a labyrinth for centuries, in total isolation save for the risen dead. When they finally lay eyes on another living human—Alm and Celica and allies, bearing weapons no less—of course they attack. The only contact they’ve had with living humans thus far is their dad who tried to kill them. Alm and Celica destroy Grima’s physical body, and... presumably, they find a way out after that, since the seal on the door is gone now.

(I know Forneus writes about the young Grima supposedly planting “violent thoughts” in his head. But that feels a bit like bullshit to me, honestly. One of Awakening’s themes is that you are not defined by your bloodline. Why would we backtrack on that and say this baby came out of the test tube already advocating for genocide? Hell, why are we trusting Forneus’ opinions on that to begin with? He’s a deeply unethical mad scientist who regularly murdered people for his experiments, I’m pretty sure he was having and acting on violent thoughts long before Grima grew a consciousness.)

Despite that fantastically rocky start to life, m!Grima’s 5* level 40 dialogue in Heroes suggests that Grima might have even tried to get along with humans for a time. I mean, just look at this.

[Humans] have no qualms asking for divine assistance when it meets their fickle needs... But how quick they are to shun their benefactors once they get what they desire. They become arrogant and make the same mistakes repeatedly, incapable of learning the folly of their ways. They claim their actions are for the good of others, but that's merely a show of self-indulgence. Humans are selfish.

That sounds like they’ve had time to observe humans. After they got out of the labyrinth they must’ve spent time just... around people. Either they witnessed what happened to other dragons-regarded-as-gods, or they themselves tried out being a god for a while (seems likely, given Plegia), and felt like their early experiences with humans were only getting proved on the large scale over and over again.

And if all of Forneus, Alm, Celica, and the allies of the latter two decided at a glance that Grima was evil and needed to be destroyed, how many more times did people try to destroy Grima after that? How many people took advantage of their powers, only to “shun their benefactor” later? What does that do to a person’s worldview and their view of themselves when they’re already predisposed to fear and hatred due to their early experiences?

Grima’s insistence that one’s destiny is rigid and immutable, their self image as an incarnation of despair—it all makes a lot more sense with this context. Grima is Frankenstein’s monster writ large, born of a man’s grief, named an abomination from birth, given the powers of a god and a thousand years of reasons to wield them for destruction. “The ugliness of mankind has turned me repulsive. It's the world that wants me to be evil.”

Whatever else you think of them, there’s a tragedy in a monster that is only so because they were never given the chance to be anything else.

[five-miles-over]

How Tom Hiddleston Characters Would Spend the Winter Holidays (Plus Presents They Would Give You)

(Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters or images. This is just a fun listicle, not designed to offend anyone. As always, please feel free to leave comments and/or constructive criticism below. Thank you, and without any further ado, please enjoy!)

A/N: I hope you all have/have had a wonderful holidays! Wishing you all a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Characters in this listicle include: Will Ransome, King Henry V,  Prince Hal, Prince Loki of Asgard, Loki of Asgard and Jotunheim, Bill Hazeldine, Caius Martius Coriolanus, Jonathan Pine, Robert Laing, Magnus Martinsson, Oakley, Thomas Sharpe, and Jaguar Villain Tom Hiddleston

Will Ransome from The Essex Serpent

• For Will, celebrating the holidays would most certainly include a special service at the church on Christmas morning. The bells would ring, inviting everyone in Aldwinter to gather. Will would read from the scriptures for all to hear. Then, the choir would perform a series of carols, and Will would sit in the pew along with the rest of the attendees. Offering you a genuine smile, he would gently hold your hand while the choir sang.

• After the service came to an end, Will would offer you his coat if you seemed cold, gently draping it around your shoulders while you walked home together. If you needed anything for the Christmas dinner or for the night 

• And in the evening, Will would watch you prepare Christmas dinner for the both of you. He wouldn't know much about cooking, but he would happily stand near you and talk to you, keeping you company while you toiled. Then, he would recite a small prayer thanking

• Christmas present Will would give you? Perhaps a simple gold pendant with a small gemstone like a diamond or an emerald. After supper, he'd approach you and whisper "Happy Christmas" while placing the necklace around your neck, pushing your hair out of the way.

King Henry V from The Hollow Crown

• On Christmas morning, King Henry V would attend a special service at the church alongside you, his beloved queen.

• After the service, you and Henry would distribute alms (food, clothes, candles) among the poor citizens in the kingdom. According to the king, even the lowest are deserving of a proper Christmas

• Then, you and Henry would either take a carriage ride around the snow-laden city, waving to the citizens and wishing them a happy Christmas

• Or, you and the King of England would spend the rest of the afternoon inside your chambers, snuggled together by the fire with Henry resting his head on your lap while you caressed his auburn curls. 

• Christmas present Henry would give you? A beautiful new red or blue gown with a set of gold jewelry.

Prince Hal from The Hollow Crown

• Drinks! (Shots, shots, shots, shots - alright, I'll stop and retrieve my maturity)

• But truly, Christmas would be a time for Hal to indulge in all sorts of mischief in the tavern, including snagging Falstaff's most precious stash of liquor. 

• He'd dare any willing patron to outdrink him, in the process getting them to do all sorts of stupid things like sing silly bards or flirt with someone.

• By the time you found your beloved prince, he'd probably be heavily tipsy with endless amounts of energy and whisky on his breath. As soon as he saw you, he'd jubilantly hug you and kiss you on the lips.

• Christmas present Hal would give you? A small gold ring, perhaps one with a ruby, that you could wear either around your neck or around your finger

Prince Loki of Asgard from Thor:

• While Asgard doesn't celebrate Christmas per se, there would be plenty of Yule celebrations in the kingdom. As a prince and member of the royal family, Loki would be present at each of the important feasts, dressed in his signature emerald green robes and golden armor. 

• He would have to listen to Odin and Thor drone about their various accomplishments - many of them brutish in nature - over the past year, entertaining the guests before the entrees could be served. But at least, Loki could entertain himself by enchanting Thor's cutlery to run away from the table, or by playing a trick that hypnotized Thor into speaking gibberish out of nowhere. 

• Odin was not pleased with the amount of laughter from the guests directed at Thor

• But other than that, Loki would find reasons to enjoy the holiday season in Asgard - he would 

• Yule Present that Loki would give you? A beautiful tiara embellished with emeralds and diamonds. For his rightful queen.

Loki of Asgard and Jotunheim from Avengers: Infinity War

• In the days leading up to Christmas, Loki would find himself unwillingly stuck with Thor shopping around Midgard. It turned out that Thor was part of something called "Secret Santa" with the Avengers, where each of them had to buy a present for someone randomly assigned to them. Thor was given Wanda Maximoff, so he was combing through the shopping malls around New York City to find something for her.

• "Yes, yes, buy everything on the rack," Loki sarcastically remarked while Thor eyed a rack of gift baskets filled with soaps, bath oils, and body lotions. "It's not like you have a servant to carry your bags around for you."

• "Cheer up, brother! It's the season for joy…Do you want to sit on Santa Claus's lap?"

• But there was one reason Loki always tagged along with his brother's visits to Midgard in December: you

• While Thor was hanging out with the other Avengers, Loki would visit you - especially when you had days off from work or school - at your home. 

• He'd arrive at the outside of your window, holding a bouquet of poinsettias or a bag of Christmas-themed candy for you to enjoy.

• And then, you and Loki would walk hand-in-hand through the town, admiring the colorful decorations. Loki personally wouldn't have cared for them a few years ago, but seeing your face light up with adoration made his heart absolutely warm with joy.

• On Christmas day, Loki even surprised you with a horse-driven carriage ride. He proudly showed up at your place, wearing his signature green robes and golden armor, as befitting a true prince of Asgard. Loki took your hand and seated you next to him, an arm around your shoulder. At the end of the carriage ride, he sweetly kissed you on the lips and murmured, "Merry Christmas, darling."

• Present that Loki would give you? A collection of your favorite books, with hidden notes handwritten by Loki between the pages.

Bill Hazeldine from Suburban Shootout

• For Bill, Christmas is a time to be with the ones you love. He'd be happy to have you visit Little Stempington and meet his parents

• You might be a little intimidated at first, but Bill would assure you many times that his parents would like you

• You were courteous to bring his mother a box of French macarons since Bill told you his mum enjoyed French cuisine. And for his dad, you brought a bottle of liquor, which made him laugh.

• His mother thought you were a gem compared to Jewel, and his father jokingly said you were out of Bill's league ("you better hold onto this one, son. Don't let her get away.")

• After meeting his parents, Bill would take a chance to get some alone time with you in his bedroom, showing you things from his childhood - toys, trophies, rugby jerseys. You laughed and "aww'd" at the sight of one of the photos in his room; it was a one-year-old Bill wearing a nappy and crawling with a smile.

• Bill would chuckle, putting his arm around your amd stealing a kiss...only for his mother to walk in. (It didn't help that his dad loudly reminded Bill to "use protection")

• Still, you and Bill would have a lovely time with Bill's parents, getting to know each other better and helping prepare Christmas dinner for the four of you.

• Christmas gift Bill would give you: a snow globe with a waltzing couple inside it, and a silver bracelet he picked out

Coriolanus from Coriolanus

• Coriolanus was always a serious man. Even when you came into his life and he married you, he was serious - hardly indulging himself in things like wine or opium

• (The one exception was you, his darkest kryptonite. Coriolanus couldn't seem to get enough of you, holding you close whenever you were in the same room. He just had to come to you and touch you and kiss you.)

• On the morning of the festivities, Coriolanus woke you up with a long, slow kiss. "Io Saturnalia," you cooed, slowly opening your eyes.

• He'd absolutely refuse to participate in the traditions he viewed as ludicrous, such as cross-dressing and the reversal of roles. But he would be more than happy to stand at the balcony with you and watch the plebians indulge themselves in shenanigans.

• And when he got tired of watching masters serve their slaves, and people breaking all sorts of rules in various states of intoxication, Coriolanus would pepper your neck with kisses and beckon you to your shared bedroom.

• BRIEF SMUT ALERT

• Whispering sweet nothings in your ear, he'd take the opportunity to kiss you all over

• With a naughty grin, he'd place you on the bed and lift the hem of your garment up to your hips and pleasure you with his tongue.

• It was an act considered vulgar among most people, so why not do it on the day of no rules? It was Coriolanus's one and only indulgence about it

• END OF SMUT (and time for me to atone for my sins)

• Saturnalia gift Coriolanus would give you? Perhaps a small trinket - like a small statue of Venus - or a new dress that made you look like a goddess.

Jonathan Pine from The Night Manager

• Christmas was always a busy night for Jonathan, one that he would always choose to work without question. There would be lots of guests looking for rooms to stay durng their vacations, honeymoons, and holiday getaways.

• Still, he would find a way to have some alone time with you, even if it meant you visiting the front desk at 2 in the morning to see him.

• Jonathan would give you the gift he'd bought a few days ago, you would give him a set of cufflinks or a new tie for him to wear.

• Taking your hand, Jonathan would lead you to one of the hotel lounges (finding an empty suite would be highly unlikely given the amount of guests) to share a bottle of wine and some dinner, just the two of you.

• You'd both raise a glass to the holidays, and enjoy each other's company, talking about anything and everything.

• Christmas gift Jonathan would give you: A local piece of decoration from one of the local markets (like a small cowbell from Switzerland) and a box of sweets

Robert Laing from High-Rise

• Christmas with Robert Laing would most certainly include accompanying him to one of Royal's parties (parties held by the so-called "architect" of the high-rise building)

• You would get dressed up on Christmas Eve, wearing something fancy for the occasion, before Robert picked you up at your place

• At the party,  the two of you would be near each other for the most part. And after a drink or two, Robert would get a bit more...flirty with you, stealing kisses from you while you conversed with the other guests and inviting you to the dance floor

• ("I've got a lovely lady on my arm," he'd tell them with a chuckle. "Can't really help it.")

• Robert would show off his dance moves, especially the ones that he knew would make you laugh. For someone who didn't laugh much, Robert sure enjoyed seeing you smile.

• And during the slow songs, Robert would melt a little on the inside when you rested your head against his chest and swayed with him.

• He'd take the opportunity to whisper, "Merry Christmas, darling....why don't you say we have a party of our own? Do a little...unwrapping before we celebrate?"

• Giggling, you would follow Robert into the bathroom -or just go to Robert's apartment - and...celebrate, just enough for the other guests to hear.

• Christmas present Robert would give you:  probably something elegant Iike perfume or a gift basket of lotions, soaps and body washes.

Magnus Martinsson from Wallander

• The police station was having their own Christmas party, which was really nothing more than some alcohol and pudding

• (Wallander warned the officers not to drink too much in case there was an emergency...but who was listening?)

• Magnus brought you to the party as his date, and had an almost-protective arm around you while you mingled with his colleagues.

• After some insisting from you, he'd dance with you to some of the holiday songs playing on the radio, twirling you so you could show off your pretty red dress.

• Christmas present that Magnus would get you? A vinyl record of one of your favorite songs or recordings.

Oakley from Unrelated

• You originally thought that Oakley would be going with his family to their Italian vacation home to spend Christmas while you stayed with your family, so it was a surprise when Oakley insisted on inviting you to accompany them.

• You agreed on a compromise, that you would join Oakley for Christmas and spend New Year's with your family

• While the two of you were in Italy, Oakley took on the role of "tour guide", giving you his personal insight while he showed you around the city. (And totally not bragging about how much Italian he knows)

• And he would make sure to show off in front of you every chance he got, especially if it involved something that made you laugh

• His father seemed to like you, and for once, they thought that Oakley might finally get some maturity now that he has a wonderful lady for a girlfriend.

• On Christmas morning, Oakley would sneak into your bedroom with a panetonne for the two of you to share with coffee, expecting to be paid with kisses

• The two of you would spend the rest of the day with Oakley's friends, playing "spin the bottle", "Truth or Dare"...all while getting very, very drunk.

• Christmas present that Oakley would give you? A bottle of Italian liqueur like limoncello (that you will hopefully ask him to help you drink), a framed photo of the two of you (so you can have a "piece of him" whereever you go), and a kiss under some mistletoe

Thomas Sharpe from Crimson Peak

• After spending Christmas morning with his sister at Allerdale Hall, Thomas would go to visit you in the city.

• The two of you would enjoy a horse-drawn carriage ride through the streets of London, enjoying the crisp, winter weather.

• And in the evening, Thomas would escort you to a Yuletide Ball that he and his sister- as well as your family - were invited to.

• Like a gentleman, he would pick you up from your residence, assuring your family that he would get you to the ball without any harm

• The two of you would spend the evening at the ball, waltzing in each other's arms, with Thomas praising your beauty throughout the night and whispering how he cannot wait to be your husband one day

• Christmas gift that Thomas would give you? A beautiful locket with portraits of you and him inside

Jaguar Villain!Tom Hiddleston

• Tom absolutely loves to spoil you, his lady love and his darling, even during the holidays.

• Starting in early December, he'd give the bodyguard he hired for you a Black Visa card specifically to buy anything you looked at - jewelry, shoes, designer gowns, cosmetics, special chocolates, anything

• Tom wouldn't display any overt interest in "decking the halls" or "getting into the holiday spirit" but he would certainly give his associates and henchmen Christmas or Hannukah bonuses

• And he would totally let you decorate the apartment however you pleased, even if it means coming home to a "winter wonderland" every night.

• Christmas Day would be exclusively his time with you (and he would not take no for an answer)

• In the morning, he'd wake you up with a room filled with gifts for you, and plenty of kisses with your morning tea/coffee

• Seeing the amount of presents he bought for you, you would feel a little intimidated about giving him the tie and watch you bought for him.

• But Tom would immediately love it as soon as he opened your gift, promising to wear it as often as possible.

• After spending the afternoon with you in the bedroom...thanking you for your gift, Tom would take you out for the night, giving you a chance to get dressed up for him.

• He'd reserve a fancy dinner for the two of you, having the five-star restaurant book a private room so you could enjoy your meal

• Then, the two of you would go to the theater to see either a production of The Nutcracker, or a production of Shakespeare's Henry V - whichever you preferred.

• Christmas gift that Jaguar!Tom would give you? Without a doubt, he'd buy lingerie that he believe would suit you the best, and anything else that would even seem to tickle your fancy.

Taglist: @lokischambermaid , @lokiismineforever @mischievoushiddleston @lokisprettygirl @lokisgoodgirl @cakesandtom , @icytrickster17 ,@sallymagnoliaposts  @winterfrostlovetriangle , @the-haven-of-fiction , @tom-hiddleston-imagines , @turniptitaness @jennyggggrrr , @tom-hiddleston-imagines @thatdummy-girl @lady-rose-moon , @lokisninerealms @muddyorbsblr @holdmytesseract

[hussyknee]

Caught the highlights of an episode of Law & Order where the doctor illegally harvested a girl's heart and kidneys. Cops stop the helicopter transport with the heart from leaving the hospital, and are told that it's en route to a little boy who's been on the transplant list for three years, is already prepped for surgery and will die if the transport doesn't leave now. They put it to the parents of the dead girl, who say no, the child can't have her heart because they can't put their daughter in the ground with pieces of her missing.

It's a horrible situation and 100% the doctor's fault for not having given the parents the choice in the first place and the hospital for allowing it to happen. Organ harvesting without consent is fucking violent and a cruel desecration of a human right to dignity in death. Maybe if the doctor had given the parents a choice beforehand they would have had consented.

I get all of that, but my hard-wired cultural Buddhism is furious. As fucked as my culture generally is, this wouldn't have been a question for Buddhists. Giving alms is the highest form of good karma there is, and organ donation, the gift of life, is held in high social esteem. The fact that we don't have a higher rate of organ donation is purely down to the fact that the government won't make signing up for it easier (I mean they don't even care to make registering to vote easier) or lead awareness campaigns to dispel misconceptions and ignorance around donation for a public that is generally wary and poorly educated on the subject. Corneas, otoh, which are harvested post-mortem instead of when only the brain is dead, are so widely donated that Sri Lanka is known to be a major donor of corneas for the rest of the world as well. It's honestly infuriating that so many kidney patients just die in a country where the majority Buddhist population would jump at the chance to donate their kidneys if they were given one.

I try to be culturally relativist and sensitive about these issues, particularly since we're witnessing organ theft as a war crime in Palestine, Sri Lanka itself has a problem with organ trafficking, and the dogmatic rhetoric around the sanctity of life over all else keeps being weaponized against women and minorities (Sinhalese Buddhists became overwhelmingly concerned about cattle slaughter since the '90s when the Islamophobia coincidentally kicked into high gear. Fish and poultry are apparently on their own lol). We're as hypocritical and oppressive and theocratic as anybody else—except for this one issue where we happen to fall on the helpful side of the equation.

I know how important the body is to processing grief. Dead bodies are sacrosanct and the rights of the dead are as involate as those of the living. But letting a child die because you can't bear the body of your own to be whole when you bury her? My whole being rebels. I don't give a fuck where I end up after I die and I'll cheerfully see a lot of people dead without missing any sleep, but I could never turn away from an innocent that I could save, much less a child.

All this is to say that sometimes our childhood and cultural conditioning makes it impossible to reach across differences in value systems. So much of social justice is about ethics, but we're moved to care about them because of our morals, and it's very hard when the two contradict each other this way.

[naoreco]

And what of my adaptational bitterness?!

Not long ago, I decided to look at some of my favorite FE15 scenes with Japanese voice acting, given how fantastic the English dub is-- and something I picked up in the process is that the scene between Alm and Mycen in Rigel Castle has a couple of interesting changes that I wanted to lay out! Particularly with its most... iconic lines. Major spoilers ahead!

(Note: I'm not a native Japanese speaker, and I'm not entirely fluent, but I took two years of college classes and damn if I'm not putting that all to use here!!)

While I put together a document going through the whole conversation in Japanese and loosely translating it, most of it is generally the same, aside from two bits. You're also not going to get the whole picture just by reading the lines, as the voice acting does a great deal for both sides of this conversation, so I highly recommend you pull up the scene in video form as well.

Now, the first change is pretty brief! Specifically, when Mycen brings up Alm's birth during his whole spiel about how the gods are deteriorating.

Mycen: しかし、そこにアルム。お前が生まれた。(Shikashi, soko ni Arumu. Omae ga umareta.) But then there's you, Alm. You were born. But then you were born, Alm.

Alm: ！！ (*gasp*) ...! What does that have to do with any of this?

The second, more important one, is Alm's reaction to being Rudolf's mercy, and how Mycen responds to that. The exchange goes like this:

Mycen: それが愛するわが子であればこれ以上の喜びはない…… (Sore ga aisuru waga ko de areba koreijou no yorokobi wa nai…) So for it to be his beloved child, he could feel no greater joy… So for that death to come at the hand of his beloved son was… a mercy.

Mycen: ルドルフは、そう言っておった。(Rudorufu wa, sou itte otta.) Rudolf told me so himself. He told me himself that he could imagine no more peaceful end.

Alm: そんな…… 父さん、父さんっ……！！(Sonna… Tou-san, Tou-san…!!) That's... Father, father...!! And what of my peace?!

"Sonna..." on its own is a pain to translate, but the specific meaning isn't as relevant as how Natsuki Hanae says this line. Rather than reacting with even more bitterness because Rudolf's convoluted plan made no room for Alm's own say on the matter - him yelling at Mycen earlier for sending him to kill his own father is about the same already - JP Alm just... breaks down and cries for his father, essentially. And it's this difference in reaction that makes Mycen respond in turn!

Mycen: 泣くな、アルムよ。(Naku na, Arumu yo.) Don't cry, Alm. This is not the time for mourning or self-pity, boy.

Compared to something like "nakanaide" (please don't cry), "naku na" is more direct in just. You know. Telling someone not to cry instead of asking them. So perhaps there's a weight behind those words that I'm missing, but with his quieter and more even tone of voice, and the way he addresses Alm by name, it comes off as a lot gentler than how he scolds Alm in the localization.

Now, why were these changes made? Are they better or worse? I don't know! Sure, I'd like Mycen not to be kind of a dick to his grandson while he's feeling so vulnerable, but I can tolerate it because that's how I first experienced the scene, and their supports say a great deal more about how they feel about each other than a scene where they're both freshly grieving. More than that, though, I think Alm breaking down and sobbing and Alm sticking it to the man both get to something very important about his position here, something that Natsuki Hanae and Kyle McCarley also portray amazingly:

He's way too young for this shit.

[tgrailwar-zero]

Ruler, from what we heard, Giuseppe Balsamo had a pseudonym famously (or infamously) known as Alessandro di Cagliostro who had a… riddled history. Just for future reference, what are your thoughts of being tied to a man of such… renown.

Forgive me if that sounded antagonistic to you, we’re just trying to process all of this information.

"That's correct. I am also known as Count Cagliostro. It's one of many names that I used during my life as I traveled. I won't claim that I was honest all of my life, but there's just as much fiction and slander as there is fact associated with my name- any of my names."

"Still, I accept it all the same as a Heroic Spirit. We're shaped by the perceptions of others, after all."

"I have no shame in any part of my history. The controversies and the charities. I swindled the aristocracy, and gave alms to the needy. And, after flying a bit too close to the sun in the eyes of the elite, I faced my end in a jail cell. In other words, I paid my time. However, if the storied ambitions of my past make me unworthy, then I cannot fault you for reaching that conclusion."

[sour-heart-treats]

[Almnesia Was His Name Pt. 5 - CW: Implied Child Neglect, Memory Loss - Previous]

The scent of afternoon coffee wafted through the air as Almond poured himself a cup. The quiet sound of the kid who insisted on being his playing with what was apparently her teddy bear kept the house from being too quiet. Mug in hand, Almond wandered into the living room and watched the kiddo enjoy herself alone. Why was she here, again? Someone as young as her should be in school right now, or at least, on the bus. With a sip of his coffee, he'd take a glance at his calendar. Boldface Xs lined the top of the month, with more wobbly Xs towards the bottom. Seems like the kid has been the one marking the days off recently. Makes sense, it was hard to tell what day it was. And today was... Saturday. "That checks out." Almond would mumble to himself, carrying himself out to the living room and setting his coffee on a nearby table to kneel down next to the one that he still didn't know the name of.

"Hey tot, do you want something to eat?" The little one looked up at him, seeming almost surprised that she was being acknowledged. She'd take a second to process the question, looking down at her plush and looking... guilty? Saddened? Why? "I'm... not hungry..." The child quietly replied. Almond's heart felt heavy. "You sure? I could whip you up some, I dunno..." Oh, he actually didn't know. What was in the fridge at this point? "I can see what we have." "I'm... I'm good, really, mom." The title was familiar, but it still didn't feel right being called that. Alm barely knew this kid. The detective sighed, knowing full well that the kid was lying but deciding not to press further. The sound of crying children rang way too familiar in his ears. Something something, it's happened a lot recently, something something, it hurts his head.

As the investigator picked himself up and returned his coffee to his hands, there was a knock at the front door. Almond watched the small one perk up and practically start making a dash for the door. "Kid-!" Almond would cautiously raise his voice, "Let me answer it. I don't want something to happen to you." Especially considering how this very likely wasn't even his own child... the real parents would be pissed to find out something happened to her. Though hesitant, Walnut would quietly groan in annoyance and let her caretaker take the reigns. She pressed her stuffed animal close to her chest as she watched Almond check the door's peephole and become confused. Another person he forgot about, maybe. It wouldn't be the first person this week... Heck, she lost count of how many of her mom's coworkers and friends he'd dropped contact on.

Alm would gently motion for Walnut to get out of the way, and she'd do so, though of course tried to get as good of a look as she could. And with a second coffee scent with a hint of smoke being brought into the house along with the sight of brown and white hair, she knew exactly who it was. "Cappu!!" Walnut would chirp happily, waving despite the door not even being the whole way open. The reaction nearly startled Almond. "You know this one, kid?" The detective would ask, before sighing and shaking his head. "Good afternoon, who are you and what are you doing here?" As much as Almond wanted to sound polite, he didn't care that much to be. The person at the door furrowed his brow, but didn't seem all too bothered externally. "Cappuccino. You may not know me, but we're coworkers. Kind of." A rough explanation would be enough, right? "I'm the prosecutor that most of your cases' evidence gets sent to. I know you probably don't remember that, but it's whatever." Cappuccino would reach into his black overcoat, pulling out a few containers of what appeared to be leftovers. Looks like some takeout from the local noodle restaurant. "I brought over some food for you and Walnut. I figured we could chat, have a coffee or two, and y'know... figure some things out?"

Walnut, Walnut... Oh, that's the little one's name? Seems to fit her very well. Though this Cappuccino guy wasn't someone that Almond remembered, among many others, since Walnut looked so happy to see him... So long as he kept a watchful eye, things would be fine. "Don't cause any trouble." He'd mumble, opening the door wider and sidestepping to let Cappuccino inside. On the way in, the prosecutor gave Walnut a smile, which got some of the weakest sparkling eyes he's ever seen in response. Ha... has this kid really been without anything more than cereal and sandwiches for this long? That... hurts. Guess that's what happens when a mother keeps forgetting that kid's food is being made part way through and lets it spoil or burn...

Whilst the food for the three of them was taken by Almond to prepare, Cappuccino would watch over him to make sure that he wouldn't forget what he was doing. Though it was a little irritating on the detective's end to be corrected multiple times whilst the food was being made- he swears he didn't forget most of the things that he was being reminded of, though he truly did misremember- that wasn't the main thing that Cappu was concerned about. With Walnut standing by his side, he'd set a gentle hand on her helmet and sigh. "I hope it hasn't been too rough on you, kid. Uh... how's school?" Walnut would keep the smile she'd had since Cappuccino entered the house, though there was some uncertainty behind it once questioned. "Um... It's been... okay! I think! The other kids at school make fun of me and my mom sometimes... But I make sure they know not to mess with us!!" Cap chuckled, giving a brief side-eye to Almond before responding. "Not causing any fights, are you?" There was further laughter from the prosecutor as Walnut would beat on his leg and exclaim how she'd NEVER do such a thing. "Right, right. Well, if those bullies ever try doing anything to hurt you, get your mom's phone and call me, got it? I'll sue them into the ground." It's the least he could do. Even if his job had him wrapped up in sleepless nights, there was nothing that would stop him from keeping this kid from having it anywhere near as bad as he had it.

Seeing the young one hug his leg brought a fondness to Cappu's heart. It took all of his energy in that moment not to just scoop Walnut up and hold her like she was his own kid. He'd never be a good parent, but knowing what Almond was like at this point... it was a consideration, but... "Alright you two, the food's up." Almond's voice broke the coffee-named fellow out of his thoughts. "Get to the table, I'll get plating." And, wordlessly, he'd lead a very excited Walnut to the living room to sit around the table. The kitchen was too small to eat in, after all. There'd be small 'thank you's shared as Almond would come out with two plates in hand, handing them over before heading back into the kitchen to get his own food... though it was taking longer than anticipated. The little talk that Cappu was having with Walnut about the teddy bear that she eagerly showed would come to a concerned silence as he'd wind up staring towards the kitchen. "Does he normally take this long?" He'd ask, getting a shake of the head. Walnut would furrow her brow, tilting her head. "Maybe he forgot where he was? ...again?" Cap would mumble a 'maybe', only to get startled by the sound of an agonized scream from where Almond had gone.

It was a sudden sound, one that spurred Cappuccino into action so fast that he wound up hitting his knee on the bottom of the table as he got up. "Shit-" He'd growl to himself, darting to the kitchen. "Almond! Almond are you-...?" And yet there the detective was, a softly glowing hand over his nose with a discarded bandage on the countertop next to a half-complete plate of food. That thing usually never came off, and... not to mention that glow. Healing magic? "Since when did you...?" The stare the attorney got was that of confusion and mild annoyance from the investigator. Alm would stand himself properly, giving a heavy breath. "Look, I don't know either. At least my nose doesn't feel like it's on the verge of crushing itself." Ah, his voice was so much... clearer without that bandage on. Almond would stare towards Cap, "I don't where the magic came from, don't ask me. Look let's just," There was a small grunt from the gumshoe as he properly disposed of the bandage in a nearby trash can and took to finishing his plate, though not without a pause before picking it up as if he was pondering why the plate was there in the first place. "Let's just get back to having lunch. Or dinner. Whichever one this is."

Alm would walk right past Cappuccino, who only blinked at the very faint scent of vanilla. The small voice of Walnut gave the prosecutor a small start. Ah, she followed him and he didn't even see it, huh. "Mom doesn't like using that... But he doesn't remember that, does he?" Well, that's news to him. Never had he heard about Almond being able to use any kind of magic- let alone something so helpful. As much as he'd want to ask about it, considering the look of worry that Walnut had, maybe... maybe it was best to leave that alone. For now. As much as it would nag Cappuccino for not knowing...

The attorney gave Walnut a light pat on the back, trying to ignore the pain in his knee as that started to finally catch up to him. "C'mon, Wal. You're still hungry, right?" The heaviness in Cap's chest didn't lighten one bit at the weak nod the kiddo gave. "Right. Then let's get back to that. Then you can tell me more about-" Cappu vaguely motioned to the plush that the child hadn't let go of through the entire time he'd been here. "That's their name- Ted? Yea, them." And though the thought of her mother becoming less and less like herself would weigh on Walnut's mind, she'd nod and mutter just above a whisper. "...yeah, okay."

[recentadultburnout]

Info for writer in Thai series fandom: Wedding Ceremony

Thais do have a certain traditional way of doing a wedding ceremony, but what matters the most is the preferences of the married couple. Nowadays, one can choose to do whatever they want with their wedding, so a mixture of Thai and Chinese or Western happens all the time. Weddings without any traditional Thai ceremony elements are also an option, as is simply registering.

In this chapter I will talk about the Thai style and a little bit of mixed style. 

Thai Wedding Ceremony

When a man and a woman decide to marry, The men will send his parents or recruit elderly men who have a high position in society or may be their respected elder relatives, known as "tâo gàe", to approach the woman's parents in order to ask the woman to be his bride and be the one who talks about the dowry. When the woman's parents agree, they will go find the auspicious day for the wedding based on the pair's information, which is mostly their date of birth.

Order of the ceremony

1. Buddhist Ceremony (พิธีสงฆ์ phithi song)

As I say in chapter 7, we Thai Buddhists will invite monks to be in a ceremony for an event like this. For the wedding ceremony, in the past, it was popular to invite them in an even number, four for example, but now nine is the most popular because nine in Thai is homonym with the word that means thrive, and by counting the presiding Buddha images as the ten, they will be in an even number. 

In my eyes, the highlights are first when the pair put food into the monks' alms bowl together using one ladle. It is believed that whoever gets to hold the ladle by the top or neck will be superior to the other in the pair. In some cases, they will switch between themselves as a symbol that they will be equal. 

And second, when the groom receives forehead anointing to bless the marriage from the monk first and gives one to the bride himself, with the hands of the monk holding and guiding his. In some cases, forehead anointing will be done by an elder the married couple respects instead of the monk. And in some people's opinion, forehead anointing does not count as a part of the Buddhist ceremony, so it won't happen in this step.

2. Khan Mak procession (แห่ขันหมาก hae khanmak)

Link

In the country side they might do a parade call Khan Mak parade through their community to bride house but in the city they might skip it or change the location the parade start and make it a lot shoter due to the fact that in city there aren't enough space for it. 

If they do have a parade, the groom's side will start someplace not too close to the bride's house (or the wedding site), cheer three times to signal everyone to start walking, and then another three near the end to tell the bride's side to get ready.

The cheer sound like this https://www.youtube.com/embed/a8eenUZfbqw

When the parade arrives at the bride's house, the bride's relatives will start barring the groom from entering the house by using some type of string as a gate. Traditionally, there are three gates in total, but there can be more. The groom and guests on his side must play games that the bride's side wants in order to pass the gate. It can be answering the question about the bride. The groom shouts out his love for the bride, pushes up or anything they want. The groom's side will also give away some money in addition to winning the games. Most of the people who participate in barring are the younger generation, like siblings or friends.

3. Marriage proposal ceremony (สู่ขอ sòo kŏr) and dowry counting ceremony

Sookor is asking for permission to marry from the bride's parents. And as that implies, in some cases it might even be done without the bride's consent, but fortunately that is not a common occurrence anymore. I can't say it's absolutely not happening, but it's not normal for sure.

The parents and whoever acts as a tao gae will pretend to negotiate and when they come to an agreement, they will pretend to count the dowry, which is in Khan Mak they have been carrying, and then the parent will sprinkle various flowers with popped rice, which also came with one of the Khan Mak, on the dowry and bless the pair. Lastly, the bride's parents will pick up the dowry using cloth to wrap it, place it upon their shoulder, and act as if they are unable to carry it because it is very heavy.

4. engagement ceremony

The engagement ceremony was originally intended to give men and women the opportunity to study and adjust to each other, so it has been held before the wedding for quite some time, but nowadays, the engagement ceremony is commonly held on the same day as the wedding date. which makes everything happen and over all in one day.

In the process of giving the engagement ring, the groom first puts the ring on the bride, and then the bride bows down to the groom. Like this Link

After that, it's the bride who will put the ring on the groom, followed by the couple bowing down to pay homage to their parents.

5. Accept wai (รับไหว้ Rap Wai)

Link

In this step, the newlyweds will pay their respects to their parents and senior relatives, and they will offer a gift or blessing as a response. The meaning of this is to ask the parents and relatives of both the bride and groom to acknowledge and look after them as a new member of their partner family.

This step is done by bowing down without holding your hands open. 3 times for the parents and once for others. After bowing down, the couple will hand a raft of incense sticks to the elders. They will take it and then tie the bride and groom's wrists with holy thread for good fortune and as a symbol of being a member of the family, along with giving blessings and money envelopes as gifts for the newlyweds. Other valuables will also be given as a blessing and as funding for them to build a family together. 

6. Water pouring ceremony (รดน้ำสังข์ rod nam sang)

Link

It's different from the other water pouring ceremony I talk about in chapter 7, but I don't know what other word I should translate this one to. This one, the water will be pouring from the Valambari Shank. 

The ceremony began with incense and candles being lit to honor the Three Jewels. The newlyweds sit on a bench, preparing to receive holy water, which is thought to be a life blessing. The honor guest (prathan: chairman, president, honor guest) will put the nuptial good luck thread on the newlyweds' heads and anoint their foreheads, and then the holy water pouring will start in the order of seniority, one by one. Most of the time, the people who get to do it are the ones who are already married, not children or teenagers. When it's over, the honor guest will remove the nuptial good luck thread, which must be taken off from both the groom and the bride at the same time, and roll it all together to put it on the groom's hand or the bride's hand, along with congratulating the pair.

7. pillow arrangement (Send the bride)

When it's an auspicious time, their family will prepare rice, flowers, and other things according to the beliefs to sprinkle on the bed where the newlyweds will sleep. The bed sheet they use in the ceremony must be the newly bought one. In the ceremony, the elders, whom both sides respect, will make a bed and arrange the pillows. The requirements for those who performed are for them to be married couples who were rightfully married according to tradition and have a good, long married life and also be accepted in society as ethical and good people. The purpose of this ceremony is for auspiciousness and to give a good example of a good marriage for the newlyweds. 

After this, the ceremony is considered over. Many people usually have a party at some point, but it's up to their personal preference.

*This one is the central Thai one. It normalizes the most since it is in the center of the country. In other locations, the details and order of some of the steps may vary depending on the local customs. Or even have some step that is different entirely. For example, in Isan, there is a step where the bride and groom will feed boiled eggs to each other, which is a step other places don't have.

If you want other sources, these two links below are for you.

https://learnthaiwithmod.com/2013/09/thai-tradition-wedding-ceremony/

https://www.weddinglist.co.th/blog/8-steps-of-thai-wedding-ceremony/

Thai + Chinese wedding ceremony

It can be done in many different ways depending on whether they want more Thai or more Chinese elements, but I think the most common way to go about it was by adding a tea ceremony and adjusting some details, such as the content of Khan Mak.

Tea Ceremony

It is a Chinese tradition to pay respect to the elderly. The bride will be prepare a teapot and a teacup, and the elderly relatives who are attending the ceremony will sit in order of seniority. The groom's relatives will sit on the left. The newlyweds must sit together at the start of the ceremony. They will kneel down and pour tea into a cup, place it on a tray, and lift the tray with both hands at the same time. and send it to the attendee to drink until the cup is empty. Then elder relatives will bless them and give gifts, and the newlyweds will give something in return. They can be general items like cushions, towels, or glassware. At the end of the tea ceremony The newlyweds will eat Khanom Ei and Khanom Bua Loi together to symbolize sweet love.

The tea ceremony might happen after the wedding day, like how it happens according to Chinese tradition, or it might be combined with the accept wai step as they have the same purpose.

Or it can be anytime they want. My parents did it before the wedding day. It sounds like they do it when they get engaged, sometime before the wedding. It also appears that no one has a real, organized plan for how the wedding should take place at that time.

Thai + Western wedding ceremony

There isn't a standard one for this. What I can gather is that the first thing most people cut off from all the steps in a Thai ceremony is the Buddhist Ceremony, and they usually keep the Water Pouring Ceremony, but that is just my opinion, not a fact.

+ Bonus

There is a concept about how a young couple who elope comes back to apologize to their parents after letting some time pass for their parents to cool down or better, after they have a baby.

Women who get engaged but didn't get to wed for any reason, whether it be the groom's death before they have the ceremony or they broke the engagement are called Mai Khan Mak (หม้ายขันหมาก) (Mai-widow). And it can be seen as a shameful or bad thing in the past.

An arranged marriage is known in Thai as khlum thung chon(คลุมถุงชน), which is a word that derives from how people set up a cockfight. I find that quite funny.

The wife's taking her husband's last name after marriage is the most common, but the opposite, or both of them keeping their own last names, is also an option. As for using both last names, it's not so popular among Thai couples, but it's what quite a few Thai-foreign couples want. This option can be a bit more difficult compared to the others due to its being out of the norm and the process of obtaining it can be confusing, so many people will choose to make their old last names into middle names as a way to keep them instead of actually trying to use both.

Marriage register information is considered private information. You will be informed about your partner's status when you and your partner register together. I hear that they will also inform you about your partner's history if they have divorced before too. As for other cases, you will need to file for a court's order to access information.

People like to get their marriage registration at Bang Rak District. Rak (รัก) means love, so it has a good meaning for a married couple. And by the same logic, there are a few other districts that are also popular or unpopular with the married couple too. For example, Bang Sue District, Sue (ซื่อ) means honest, strict forward, truthful, faithful (ซื่อตรง). A quality people want from their partner. So, a popular choice. Or Bang Phlat. Phlat (พลัด) means to stray away, to be separated from, thus making it unpopular.

9 auspicious Thai desserts. Wikipedia The desserts that are chosen to be in this set all have a somewhat good meaning word in their names. It's not only popular for a wedding but also for all kinds of auspicious occasions. The same concept with the reason why Bang Rak is a popular district to register a marriage. 9 (เก้า-kao) is also an auspicious number.

Index

[tragedycoded]

Happy sts! Which characters from across your two main wips do you think would get along the best? How about the least?

Katie! Hello! Happy belated STS! (... STSunday. Still counts.)

Oh, damn, from across the wips?

Real quick for the folks who are scrolling and don't know who any of these characters are:

Doom Metal Love Story

Cole Sullivan: protagonist, born in 1835, first sergeant in the U.S. Army Cavalry circa 1874 (Book 1; it's 1873 in Book 2 because time loops).

Erik Hofer: deuteragonist, born in 1833, surgeon in the Army, Sullivan's best friend.

Arthur Royston: tritagonist (villain protagonist in older drafts), born in 1828. Morally insane.

A Living Machine

Khalid Abbandonato: an NPC from a 2014 Mage the Ascension campaign who is now a main character. Born in 2064, he is a Son of Ether who earned his Ph.D. at the age of 15 and has been getting more unhinged ever since.

Neil Harrington: technically the protagonist/hero. Born in 2060, he is a New World Order Operative who cannot handle torture, human suffering, or standard medical procedures (he's squeamish.) He told the Storyteller to go fuck himself in Processing, which derailed my entire outline.

The Storyteller: the antagonist of ALM. Claims he's ensuring everything that is supposed to happen does; has almost killed Khalid twice and threw him into a Paradox Realm for two weeks. Possibly Khalid's Avatar.

Who Would Get Along the Most

I honestly think Sullivan and Neil would. They're both figuratively married to their careers, their persistent singleness causes their comrades/families confusion, and without them the other characters spin off into the void and become the worst versions of themselves if they don't cease to exist entirely.

They also passed the chemistry check the fastest. That's... mostly what I based my decision on. Royston got bored with him real quick, and put Khalid on his "do not approach" list for a number of reasons LOL.

Who Would Get Along the Least

Hofer and Khalid.

I had a whole long thoughtful response about Hofer's trauma and emotional repression meeting Khalid's trauma and emotional repression, and how Hofer thinks of himself as "functional" whereas Khalid is very clearly unable to work outside his lab.

Then I remembered there was no such thing as a pregnant man in 1874, and meeting a pregnant man would break Hofer's brain. Even after Khalid explained all the technology his response would be "And you used it to do THAT??"

(This gets buried, but the Near Future Khalid and Neil are from has regulated the fuck out of human reproduction. There's no IVF, no sex reassignment, nothing. What Khalid is doing is highly fucking illegal.)

Other than persistent concern for his health, Hofer would be like "That young man requires a compassionate adult who will treat him like a human being despite what he's done to himself. ... COLE!!!"

[hannigramislife]

#4 Scene of my Random Mdzs Fanfiction

Prompt: What if 3zun reincarnated in modern au?

Scene: Lan Xichen remembers the past, and tears both Nmj and Jgy a new one.

Walking towards Nie Mingjue’s office, Jin Guangyao had a sinking feeling of dread settled in his gut, and it was growing by the second. He hadn’t heard from Lan Xichen in over a week, all his texts and calls having gone unanswered, which was unusual, as Lan Xichen took only a couple of minutes to reply. Jin Guangyao thought he had been grateful for the opportunity to have Lan Xichen back in his life, but now that he didn’t wake up to good morning texts, and didn’t receive random pictures during the day with Lan Xichen’s humorous captions, Jin Guangyao realized he hadn’t appreciated them enough. Only a week, and he felt Lan Xichen’s absence like a limb. If something had happened to him, Jin Guangyao would never forgive himself.

Going to Nie Mingjue for help had been something of a last resort; Jin Guangyao didn’t trust the man, wouldn’t turn his back on him if the gang leader had both his arms broken and tied behind his back. He was much more volatile than Jin Guangyao remembered him to be, and he could no longer be trusted not to go too fucking far. Lan Xichen was a bleeding heart with a strong sense of justice; how long until he got in Nie Mingjue’s way. How sure could Jin Guangyao be that this Nie Mingjue wouldn’t harm him?

If Nie Mingjue had something to do with his disappearance, Jin Guangyao would kill him, no questions asked. Even if it was the last thing he did in this life, he’d kill him.

If not, then he’d made the right choice in going to him, and if Jin Guangyao had to beg Nie Mingjue on his knees to help him find Lan Xichen, then so be it.

Lan Xichen was worth it. He had always been worth it.

Once he neared the man’s office, Jin Guangyao heard faint voices coming from the small room, its door ajar. Curious and immediately on edge, he made his steps as light as possible, pressing close to the wall.

“…alm down for fuck’s sake, so we can tal-“

“Calm down?!”

Jin Guangyao almost felt his heart stop at hearing Lan Xichen’s enraged voice echo through the room.

“You want me to calm down, da-ge? You want to talk to me now, don’t you? Well, what shall we talk about first? Wanna talk to me about what the Jins are doing? Want to talk to me about how I had to wait for hours to talk to you 3 days ago because you were busy bleeding out in a hospital bed? Or, my personal favorite; when were you going to tell me I was regularly having coffee with the man who killed you, hm?”

Jin Guangyao felt like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped on him. His heart thumped wildly in his chest as his mind processed the words Lan Xichen had screamed. Too many emotions whirled inside him for him to make sense of them all; shock, joy, sadness, fear, anger, regret— and stronger than them all, desperation.

Desperation to prove to Lan Xichen that he wasn’t the same person, that he wanted nothing more than to be a man that could stand by Lan Xichen’s side proudly. He wanted to beg for a second chance, an opportunity to be better. Other people could do it easily, why couldn’t Jin Guangyao?

It took a moment for Jin Guangyao to realize that Nie Mingjue had gone suspiciously quiet.

He only had time to blink, and lean back slightly, before the door was flung open, and Jin Guangyao found himself facing a very tall, very intimidating, very shirtless-while-wrapped-up-in-bandages Nie Mingjue.

“It seems this conversation is no longer private.” He said as he stared down at Jin Guangyao, crossing his arms in disapproval, shifting the suit jacket he had thrown over his shoulder.

No. Bad brain. Not the time.

Jin Guangyao swallowed painfully, keeping his eyes on Nie Mingjue, if only so he didn’t have to face Lan Xichen. “For a private conversation, you sure are loud. And the door is open.”

The gang leader snorted, before pulling Jin Guangyao in.

Jin Guangyao stumbled in as Nie Mingjue closed the door firmly; with his only exit closed, Jin Guangyao had little to do but face his friend, his former sworn brother. Hesitantly, he locked gazes with Lan Xichen, and was taken aback by the emotions he saw in them. The shock he had anticipated, once Lan Xichen remembered, the heartbroken pain, too, because Lan Xichen had always been so honest in his feelings, but the anger- the anger was new.

Lan Xichen was facing them both, eyes shifting from Jin Guangyao’s curled in figure, to Nie Mingjue standing tall behind him.

Lan Xichen was indeed angry. More than that, he was furious.

“Er-ge,” Jin Guangyao started, for once unable to find the right words to say.

Apparently, that wasn’t important, as Lan Xichen wasn’t planning to let him talk. “Was it fun?” The man cut him off, voice shaking from a kind of emotion he had never seen in him. “Tell me, was it fun? Leading me around by the nose again, pretending to be my friend?”

Jin Guangyao wished Lan Xichen had just punched him instead; it would have hurt less.

“No, no, Er-ge, it wasn’t like that—“

“Was it amusing for you, seeing me fall for the same act twice? What was your plan this time, A-Yao, were you waiting for my memories to return, or was a nice, dramatic reveal what you had planned?”

There was a time Jin Guangyao had seen, and caused, many lives to be destroyed, many suffering in people, even those who had been closest to him, and he’d done so without so much as batting an eyelash. And yet, Lan Xichen’s cruel words were enough to make him want to sob— and Jin Guangyao had heard his fair share of cruel words.

“I wouldn’t— I woudn’t do that to you, Er-ge. I would never hurt you like that.” Jin Guangyao said desperately, wanting Lan Xichen to believe that, if nothing else.

“You wouldn’t do what, Jin Guangyao. Wouldn’t do exactly what you did last time?” Lan Xichen was trembling with badly concealed rage, though he never raised his voice.

Jin Guangyao’s mouth clamped up, his words failing him. Lan Xichen wasn’t listening, he didn’t look like he planned to listen anytime soon, and there was nothing Jin Guangyao could say that wouldn’t come off as fake, manipulative.

In their few weeks of ignorant bliss they’d shared together, Jin Guangyao had forgotten what the events in Guanyin temple had reduced him to in the eyes of his Er-ge. Every word was now open to doubt and suspicion, every smile was fake and planned, every touch meant to draw out trust.

Lan Xichen had no naivety left to give Jin Guangyao, this time.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. Besides him, Nie Mingjue tensed, and Jin Guangyao didn’t know if that was a good sign or not. “I’m sorry, Er-ge.”

Lan Xichen blinked in disbelief, before letting out a slight scoff; another thing Jin Guangyao had never seen him do. He had the uncomfortable realization that, like Nie Mingjue, like himself, this Lan Xichen was also different.

“You’re sorry,” Lan Xichen repeated, voice hard as steel. “Isn’t that a bit too little, too late, A-Yao? A couple of centuries, maybe? What am I supposed to forgive you for? You didn’t hurt me, after all. No, that’s the one line you wouldn’t cross.”

Lan Xichen was, indeed, much different. His words cut deeper than his sword ever did. It had been foolish to hold onto a man that hadn’t existed in centuries.

Or maybe, his mind whispered, this is the same Lan Xichen, and that’s just what he would have always thought about you, had he known the truth.

Sometimes, A-Yao didn’t like his own mind.

"That's not what I'm talking about," Jin Guangyao said, struggling to keep his voice even. "I meant this life, our friendship. I didn't mean to hurt you by getting close to you. I assumed you would not remember."

Lan Xichen took a deep breath. "How is it," he said, "that the only way you can be close to me is when you keep me blind?"