#all this because i wanted to make a monty python joke

[hollowwhisperings]

The Mythology of Keyblades: Riku the Beach Boy of Avalon

This theory is partially Crack and partially a genuine investigation into the usage of Arthurian mythology within the KH series.

(this line from Monty Python & the Holy Grail inspired this whole theory: all i had to do was replace the referenced [Lady of the Lake] with Riku)

If you've loitered about the Kingdom Hearts fandom enough and read enough interviews with Tetsuya Nomura, you'll soon conclude that Riku is Tetsuya Nomura's Favourite Child in this series. Riku is the driving force for most of KH's story beats & Riku has played deuteragonist to Sora, story-wise if not in gameplay, in every game that isn't a prequel. Riku seems to gain a new & unique special ability with every game (often at a harsh price). Yet, for all the time the audience spends with Riku... the series is very careful about revealing anything about the boy beyond his utter devotion to Sora. The game even encourages players to Forget and Overlook the integral roles Riku plays in the series, typically via throwing a Kairi between him & Sora.

Jokes aside, while Riku's Secret Anime Prince coding is STRONG, it is not the point being explored here: there are 2 seemingly nonsensical Disney Crossovers established prior to most everything else: 'Alice in Wonderland' (something somewhat explored in my 'Princesses of Light as Stars' series of tinhattery) and 'The Sword In The Stone'. This post shall examine the latter, an animated adaption of the King Arthur myth, and how it is represented in KH not solely through the character of 'Merlin' but as the underlying principle behind the x-blade, Keyblade Wielding & how Riku acts as Kingdom Hearts itself.

Boy at Beach Distrubiting Swords

Let's start with Riku's Keyblades: he has had more than one, not due to gears or keychains but due to... apparently being able to churn fresh swords from his Heart as the Plot Requires.

The different keyblades used by Riku throughout the series thus far are the following:

Kingdom Key (Sora's default keyblade)

Souleater/Way to the Dawn (Riku's default from KH1 until KH2.9)

the Keyblade of Heart (while possessed by Apprentice Xehanort's Heartless, AKA Ansem Seeker of Darkness);

the [Combined Keyblade/"Gayblade"] (alongside Sora)

Braveheart (Riku's current keyblade)

(given that King Mickey found Kingdom Key-D in the Dark equivalent of the Destiny Islands & the whole "x-blade was made of light & darkness" thing... THAT keyblade, currently wielded by King Mickey, may ALSO come from Riku)

That's 5 different keyblades (6 if we include Kingdom Key-D), and ALL have been seen onscreen with at least 1 other, typically Kingdom Key, marking each of these keyblades as being 'distinct' and 'separate' from each other. Before figuring out what Heart Maths may be at play here... a brief interlude.

Young Adult Gifts Toddler Giant Sword: More Wholesome than it Sounds

Supposedly, the ability to [manifest] & "wield" a keyblade is only possible through a successful Bequeathing Ceremony: Terra performed such a ceremony for Riku in BBS. This, however, is a method passed on by the Master of Masters & subsequent schools of keyblade masters: given... literally EVERYTHING seen on "traditional" schools of keyblade mastery, this Premise is Factually Dubious. The series shows multiple characters manifesting or otherwise wielding keyblades without any such ceremonies: even assuming that these rites "carry over" through acts of Posession and Cloning, the Need for a ceremony becomes questionable. This would not be the first (nor last) time in the KH series that the "knowledge" of Foretellers, Mentors & Scholars prove to be Assumptions rather than Absolute Fact.

Exhibit A: Axel & Accidents

Axel is the best example as, unless we are later informed that Subject X performed the ceremony on Lea (or that Roxas or Xion did so without knowing), Axel has never been part of nor possessed by an existing keyblade wielder: his keyblade is entirely his own, a surprise to all.

Sora & Kairi were never formally bequeathed a keyblade though the latter "accidentally" inherited the ability from Aqua in BBS. Sora never had such a ceremony, the KH Wiki (dubious resource that it is) explains Sora's keyblade wielding as being a result of Ventus sleeping within Sora's Heart: I think it is more likely that, unlike the Formal Ceremonies of past keyblade schools may have taught, Hearts do not actually require outside recognition of "worth" in order to manifest a keyblade.

Once Upon A Meteor Shower

Riku's Heart entrusting Kingdom Key to Sora in KH1, a last-ditch effort from its Light to keep to its Oath of Protection, strikes me as being more "faithful" to what we have observed of keyblades in-game. For all that the formally schooled Keyblade Wielders past recited "May Your Heart Be Your Guiding Key", no one embodies the intent of this principle more than the entirely self-taught Sora: Riku and King Mickey likely next closest in trusting their Hearts over what they have been taught.

A Heart entrusting its physical manifestation to Another due to the Connection between them seems a "Truer" bequeathment than the (admittedly heartwarming) recitations of a stranger. Keyblades may NOW be deemed "weapons" to conquer Darkness... but the original x-blade was made of Light AND Darkness, a union of forces working in balance rather than opposition. The first x-blade was a tool for Protection, not Hurt: a creation of Heart and, thus, of Love.

Exhibit B: Body & Hearts

A creation of "Heart". As in, 1 heart = 1 keyblade. Multiple hearts in 1 body? Multiple keyblades.

Roxas is the Go-To example: the Nobody Twin of Naminé, created when Sora "unlocked" Kairi from his Heart whilst Ventus slept within it.

Roxas, in his every appearance, is capable of Dual Wielding: a keyblade from Sora, a keyblade from Ventus. Upon gaining an independent, replika body... Roxas can still, apparently, dual-wield.

...despite no longer sharing the Hearts of Sora nor Ventus (nor Xion).

(as this is a Riku speculation post, not a "what the heck is up with Roxas" one, i'll just... put a Pin in this mystery for now but the "maths" of 1 heart = 1 keyblade are, indeed, still facts of canon: Nomura confirmed as much when revealing the Above Album Art he made for Utada Hikaru's KH3 songs)

Exhibit C: Proof of Concept

Then we have Aqua: she lost her keyblade between saving Ven & falling into Darkness. The keyblade of Master Eraqus came to her aid: this is consistent with the established concept of Bequeathing Ceremonies. It's uncertain whether the same person can bequeath keyblade-wielding to multiple persons but it seems likely given the scale of the Unions in KHX.

(At that same point in time, the Heart of Eraqus was hidden within a Nort'd Terra: 3 Hearts existed within Apprentice Xehanort, all of them in conflict with each other, to varying degrees.)

The keyblade Aqua receives, the keyblade of Master Eraqus, is named 'Master's Defender'. This was originally the keyblade of the Dandelion Brain but was passed onto Ephemer and from pupil to student until eventually being inherited by Eraqus. This seemingly aligns with the concept of Masters 'bequeathing' keyblades to students, specifically THEIR keyblades.

Interestingly, Riku has never wielded Terra's keyblade (or its likeness, via keychain) 'Earthshaker/Ends of the Earth' after its being bequeathed to him, likely due to its remaining with Terra's 'Soul', the 'Lingering Will' within his armour. If this is the case... NONE of the keyblades Riku has conjured or wielded are a result of his Bequeathment Ceremony. Terra's Keyblade becomes a 6th (or 7th) keyblade connected to Riku, albeit an unused one.

Speaking of Terra...

Xemnas (the Nobody of Apprentice Xehanort AKA 'TerraNort') is NEVER seen wielding a keyblade, let alone two.

...but he DOES wield two [lightsabers]/'Ethereal Blades'.

If Xemnas had ever believed in his own personhood, it's plausible that he could have dual wielded keyblades like Roxas... though the conflict between the Hearts of Xehanort & Terra are unlikely to have cooperated long enough for dualwielding to be sustainable in combat.

Back to the Beginning

Kingdom Key was formed by the Light within Riku's Heart. That Light entrusted itself to Sora while Riku himself was lost in Darkness. Riku is later seen wielding a different keyblade, 'Soul Eater'. Given that KH1 sets up a premise of there being 'two' Kingdom Keys, one of Light & one of Darkness... perhaps 'Soul Eater' was made from the Darkness within Riku's Heart. Maleficent or Ansem SOD would know better than most anyone how to create such a thing.

(it's still Weird that Riku's Heart is the ONLY Heart we see capable of manifesting TWO, simultaneously existing & separately wielded keyblades: Riku using Souleater never prevented Sora from using Kingdom Key; Souleater becoming 'Way to the Dawn' did not affect Kingdom Key; and Riku & Sora use each other's keyblades interchangeably in KH2, even dualwielding at times)

While Riku is possessed by Ansem SoD (the heartless of Apprentice Xehanort), he wields a keyblade forged by the hearts of 6 of the 7 Princesses of Heart: this keyblade is named 'Keyblade of Heart' or 'Keyblade of People's Hearts'. This is an artificially made keyblade, wielded by an entity made up of at least 4 people's Hearts (Riku, Xehanort, Terra, Eraqus) and it does not seem to survive past Ansem SoD's defeat.

During the events of KH2.9 (at the 'Drop Point' between the first timeline of KH3 & Sora's First Retcon), Riku and King Mickey find themselves struggling in the depths of the Realm of Darkness. They had hoped to find the missing Master Aqua yet their journey has only proven the point of Master Yen Sid's preventing such a rescue 10 years prior: alone, surviving the journey to the abyss would be all but impossible. Similarly, Sora immediately post-DDD would not have survived the pace set by Mickey & Riku: Sora needed the lessons and confidence boost he found through Herc & Meg before he was truly ready for Aqua's Attempted Rescue.

Before Sora has his Hero Moment (complete with Riku's slow-mo heart-eye reaction to it), Riku's keyblade 'Way to the Dawn'... breaks. Riku also spontaneously gets a Hair Cut. Not due to any attack landing on him from the Demon Tide nor due to any bout of Gay Agony: just... "randomly" (Sleeping Realm Theory covers this).

So then Riku casually manifests a BRAND NEW KEYBLADE, while not at all possessed nor acting as a Heart Hotel, and that keyblade is Braveheart.

(which is basically Kingdom Key but Make It Modern)

It's also in the Realm of Darkness that Sora & Riku first wield their Combined Keyblade whilst in the same plane of reality: in DDD, they wielded their blade across parallel dreamscapes. The [combined keyblade] in KH3 looks exactly as it did in Dream Drop Distance: half Mirage Split, half Nightmare's End.

How Many Hearts Does 1 Riku Have?

The highest number of "hearts" occupying 1 Riku is 10, in KH1: his own, Xehanort's & Terra's, the ghost of Master Eraqus (still biding his time for Maximum Drama), with the 6 Disney Princesses of Heart smooshed within the 'Keyblade of Heart' the Riku Vessel is wielding.

By that time in KH1, both Sora and Riku have wielded Kingdom Key. Riku had also acquired & begun wielding the 'Souleater' keyblade.

Kingdom Key is the keyblade born of the Light in Riku's Heart: a sword entrusted to a Crowned Prince from someone hidden within water, a gift that marks its wielder as a saviour and a fate-chosen king. Sora bears Riku's Crown, a pendant he is never seen without, and Riku (& his Heart) was sinking within both literal (storm and tide) and metaphoric (falling into darkness/sinking within deep waters) waters when Sora receives Kingdom Key. When Sora arrives in Traverse Town, the Final Fantasy & Disney characters there hold Kingdom Key in reverence: the Key follows Sora so THEY follow him too.

There is an Irony about every keyblade-related argument Sora & Riku have in KH1: Kingdom Key WAS Riku's before it was Sora's, the authority of the sword & reverence given to its wielder WAS on "loan" from Riku... but, ultimately, the wielder chosen by the Physical Representation of Riku's Heart & the Light within it?

Yeah, no, sorry Riku: your Heart Likes Sora More.

After KH1, Riku never attempts to "reclaim" Kingdom Key: it's probably during the events between KH1 & KH2 that Riku realises that Kingdom Key is not only a literal manifestation of his own Heart but that he believes Sora to be the best person to wield that "Heart", that "Destiny".

Even if Riku had not somehow managed to manifest the Souleater/Way to the Dawn keyblade, needing to "borrow" Kingdom Key during his year-long vigil at Sora's bedside... I doubt he would have KEPT the sword or that it would let itself be "kept".

Riku's unique connections to both Light AND Darkness make it somewhat reasonable to conclude that 'Souleater' is the Dark counterpart to Kingdom Key: a keyblade formed by the Darkness of Riku's Heart, a keyblade that evolves to 'Way to the Dawn' and Riku's efforts to master his Darkness and return to the Light.

(this still begs the question: how the heck does Kingdom Key-D fit into all this?? no, i'm genuinely asking: what is up with that keyblade)

ALTERNATIVELY! Kingdom Key-D was very logically forged by Riku's Darkness, manifesting in the Realm of Darkness alongside the Fallen Destiny Islands. This makes it Interesting that Mickey could carry it around prior to personally meeting Riku but, regardless of any realizations on its nature & likely relationship with Riku (or Sora), Mickey wields this keyblade-D from KH1 onward.

(This potentially leaves Mickey's Original Keyblade, seen in BBS, as yet ANOTHER keyblade available for Riku's use: the count has risen to 9, 8 if excluding Key-D.)

So... if Riku's Darkness forged Kingdom Key-D, what was Souleater & what IS Braveheart?

Alt #1: Riku, like any Strange Pond Person, can summon as many Magic Swords as Destiny Requires because... he is Literally Kingdom Hearts & that leaves ALL hearts "free" for his use.

Alt #2: The keyblades Riku wields (Souleater, Way to the Dawn & Braveheart) are all manifestations of SORA'S Heart. Sora may be oblivious as to why he is so fixated on Riku but, if Chain of Memories is anything to go by, Sora's HEART knows what it wants, damnit! Even without any allegedly required Bequeathment Ceremony, Riku is a "Child of Destiny" and had already crowned Sora as one too: just as Riku's Heart reached out to Sora, Sora's Heart may have reached BACK for Riku. Thus both boys end up with Keyblades: each holding onto a piece of the other (somewhat literally).

This gives additional explanation to their easy trading & wielding of each other's Keyblades in KH2: the keyblades "belonged" to BOTH boys and always had.

This interpretation easily applies itself to Sleeping Realm Theory, too: 'Way to the Dawn' still "broke" because of Riku's Sacrifice but instead of figuratively representing Riku's Heart "breaking" via his actually Dying, it would represent physically the effect that Sacrifice had on Sora: his Heart broke, "dying" with Riku.

Alt #3: Riku's extra keyblades were from Maleficent, "Ansem", Ansem &/or King Mickey. The timeline allows for Maleficent's providing Riku with the 'Souleater' keyblade: it does not QUITE align for the broken connection between Riku & his Would-Be Fairy Godmother that we can assume happened upon her death in KH1, nor account for any effects caused by her subsequent "resurrection". The timelines required for the other candidates to be involved are not consistent with that of the games nor supplementary canon.

Before wrapping up, let's acknowledge the Giant Crowned Rainbow Sword in the room:

The [combined keyblade], wielded by Riku & Sora in DDD & KH3, is a manifestation of "their Hearts [beating] In Tune". It is That Simple: any efforts to straightwash its existence WILL cause plot holes so just Accept The Gayblade is Gay.

That the Gayblade just so coincidentally resembles both the Ultima keyblade(s) and various x-blades, definitely fit most description of what the x-blade is & how it can be made?

These are also Just Gay. Kingdom Hearts has been building up to (gay) Love being the Ultimate Power of the series from its very beginning: it has ALWAYS used heart imagery and symbolism, used Disney Couples to mirror the changing relationship of Sora & Riku, used "the connections between hearts" as a child's understanding of love (in all forms).

The logical evolution for a Coming of Age journey about a Boy & his Best Friend, in a series that repeatedly uses & is named for 'hearts', who have become stronger as their hearts became more attuned... is for said Boy to realise, acknowledge and recognise that the connection of their hearts has Changed into something less platonic: romantic love, like that between couples in Disney films, like Riku (& Selphie) brought up to Sora through star-shaped fruit before ever exploring those stars personally.

The [combined keyblade] was naturally forged through mutual devotion: its existence implies that the fabled x-blade of legend was ALSO forged by mutual love, that Kingdom Hearts chose its guardian because of Love, that the x-blade's legendary strengh came from its need to protect its dearly Beloved: there is no Straight Explanation for Sora & Riku being able to make the combined keyblade.

[drchucktingle]

Being trying to describe your works to other people, and I think I finally found a good one, want to know what you think of it: The Monty Python of short-form erotica.

first of all this is very kind of you and i appreciate the love and thought you have put into this. it is good question and i am glad you see my trot this way so right off that bat just want to say thank you for proving love to me.

that being said i very much disagree buckaroo BUT THAT IS OKAY

please take this as KIND DISCUSSION that it is intended, because i think this is great opportunity to chat. after all you directly asked what i think of your analysis so i will say this:

what i write is joyful and wild but it is not a joke. YES i know how to be funny sometimes and i can lean into this trot, but my belief in my art is genuine and sincere. i understand way of irony has soaked through the layers of the internet into the absolute depths, but i am telling you the truth.

there are a lot of 'knock off chuck tingles' out there who see that i am very popular for writing the erotica that i write, and they try to get in on the action. they think my formula is just 'make some kind of silly combination of mad libs erotica that is ridiculous so people will laugh at it.' but those who try this never ever succeed because that is actually NOT MY FORMULA. if you take a moment to go below the surface you will see that the tingleverse is nothing without a genuine belief in love and the celebration of diverse sexualities from across all kinds of timelines.

all that being said, it is OKAY if you laugh. i KNOW buckaroos laugh both at and with my way, and sometimes i even try to be a funny jokerman, but that is not my central intent. comedy is not the drive behind any of this, therefore i do not think i am much like monty python.

i think my work is about bold SINCERITY in face of those who will see you as strange, and about how maybe strange is a good thing and not really that strange at all. it is about queer joy and neurodivergent joy and just plain old JOY joy. and even if others think this is some kind of long form satire, that is okay. but that is not the truth.

thank you for writing LOVE IS REAL buckaroo this was good question

[tehamelie]

Various fine opinions on the meaning of life contained in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life:

*Unionize your workplace, alternatively turn it into a pirate ship and take to the high seas. It'll piss off management either way.

*Question everything.

*Look at what you think you know from a different perspective.

*The pursuit of profit at all costs can and will ruin the meaning of any work and also make you worse at it.

*Gender roles are not necessarily assigned at birth.

*The Catholic church is not well.

"God has blessed us so much I can't afford to feed you all any longer."

*Just because you're allowed doesn't mean you should.

*You should not, and will not, die to "keep China British."

*God has many ways to cook you to death, if He wants to.

*Straight sex is so damn boring.

*Don't just stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.

*Sport, like sex, only works between equal parties. Any other way and you invite horror and depravity. (That kid is definitely dead and the upperclassmen are just stomping on him anyway.)

*Actually, getting murdered playing rugby against adults two or three times your size is an excellent way to prepare you for fighting in a war.

*Even a good captain will be hated by their subordinates. This is the burden of command.

"We'll always need an army, and may God strike me down were it to be otherwise." *is immediately struck down by literal the hand of God*

*A fighting force is better served by a single soldier who actually wants to be there than twenty men who doesn't.

*There's a fine line between keeping one's cool in a heated situation and acting like you're on a bloody different planet when people are dying in front of you.

There are less than 4500 wild tigers left in the world. The "A tiger? In Africa?!" bit is less of a joke every year.

*In less than surprising news, killing people is bad for you. (It turns out, for psychologically healthy people, doing violence really hurts you as much as the victim.)

*Where is that fish?

*Theme restaurants could do with a bit of randomly mixed themes.

*Don't be afraid to ask the most idiotic questions about things you don't understand. That's how we learn.

*Oh ho it's the meaning of liver donation I get it now.

*The Galaxy Song is fun and all but don't give in to misanthropy.

*Matter is energy, the human soul grows with care and attention, and people aren't wearing enough hats.

*Actually, the movie makes a staggering point here and buries it with distracting nonsense jokes, while also making the point that we get sidetracked from self-actualization by distracting nonsense jokes. It's a point sandwich with joke filling.

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? Shout out to happy penis havers, though I'm not one myself.

*M Creosote shows us that single-minded devotion to one's mission in life (eating an entire upscale French restaurant in one sitting, for example) will leave you unhappy and alone.

*Dunk antisemites in buckets of vomit.

*Gaston, the middle aged waiter, delivers a coherent personal philosophy as he walks us to the cottage where he was born. The significance of this cannot be overestimated. He decided to be a waiter, you see. Because he believes in something. It's a simple belief of giving, of loving people and bringing them joy. But be believes it with all his heart and he'll fight for the right to live the life he chose.

*If you have to die, but can choose the manner of your execution, try being hounded to death by naked women.

*See the world in a grain of sand, or a maple leaf as it were.

*Terry Pratchett was a great man and a great writer, but he's wrong about one thing: Death is relative. No, no, you can't argue away Death or shoot him, but he is subject to the laws of relativity. Consider the stars in the sky; at least one star that's visible to the naked eye I hear may be dead right now - it's 500 light years away and they think it may go supernova at any point within 500 years from now. But here, locally, the star still lives; there's no possible reality where it's gone until the light of its explosion reaches us.

*Heaven is a fantastically cheesy musical theater performance with angel santa claus strippers and a lead singer you just want to punch. Clearly we need to build something better here on Earth.

*Be nice, read books, take a walk sometimes, and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. Obviously.

*[The producers] hope that other fish will follow [the example of the movie] so that, in future, fish all over the world will live together in harmony and understanding, and put aside their petty differences, stop hunting and eating each other and live for a brighter, better future for all fish and those who love them. Yes, clearly this is about fish.

[the-boney-rolls]

The Great Covid Beatles Binge, Day 3: The Rutles

This is gonna be short and sweet because it's just a good, funny movie! There's not much to say about it.

The going from car to car to car is very good and already I'm giggling. I know this was made before Broad Street but that's what this license place makes me think of. I'm gonna go off on a limb and say Paul was not making a Rutles reference and this was a funny coincidence.

All of the names are fantastic but I gotta give the award to Leggy Mountbaton.

I like how some things just aren't jokes, like Ringo saying he wanted to be a hairdresser.

“Goose Step Mama” !

Why is Eric Idle actually the best Paul I've seen? Petition for Monty Python to cast the biopics.

“Shoot me down in flames if I should tell a lie” I love how insane the joke lyrics are.

Another thing that isn't a joke, Dick Jaws  “an unemployed music publisher of no fixed ability." Brutal. chef's kiss

The references in this are so specific. Almost complete shot for shot remakes of The First US Visit. This was made by people with deep Beatles knowledge. If I had watched this when I was a teenage fan I wouldn't have gotten 90% of the jokes.

And damn this is cram jammed full of jokes. I almost lost it at "A Cellar Full of Goys"!

Bill Murray the K! Incredible. The casting in this is a work of art.

Oh look, a Beatles podcaster

"Four Oxford history professors on a hitchhiking tour of tea shops in the Rutland area." I don't know, sounds like a great idea for a Beatles movie to me.

Eyyyyyy, there he is! The George character meanwhile is conspicuously under the radar. They gave him Paul is Dead instead of anything of his own! Hmmm

Can't not acknowledge "Things had gotten so bad that both Dirk and Nasty got married. Not to each other! To women." No comment needed.

Is this scene the entire reason Paul didn't like this movie? It is an odd take on Paul. It's almost like someone knew that portraying him as awkward around women would particularly irk him.

“The art had all been dropped out of tall buildings and then put on display” sounds like a plausible modern art exhibit.

The Yoko stand in is a literally Nazi damn!

The feet film! Oh my god, George, what did you tell them??

John Belushi as Alan Klein, another genius casting choice.

I'm just gonna end on this shot of punk Dirk, stand in for glam mullet Paul, my beloved.

What a great time! Even if they did have George spilling the tea to them behind the scenes, I feel like this was made with a lot of love, by and for the hardcore girlies.

[pixies-love-envy]

Chapter 3: Cricket

My shift ends in two hours, and a freak storm brews outside, a stark difference from the perfect summer weather this morning. They refuse to send the staff home and close early. Apparently, the weather plays into the lowly, down-on-their-luck band of travelers' fantasy. I finish mixing a “Dungeon Master’s Delight” for a very talkative, very proud, level 26 halfling paladin called Cormo Rumblesurge.

“Thanks much, barkeep!” he bellows as he takes his drink.

“The pleasures all mine, fearless adventurer!” I say, copying his Monty Python-esque accent. I don’t have to respond like this, but I want to do the job well if I'm getting paid. A few minutes later, a lull at the bar signaled to Harlow and me that it was time to sneak over to the bathroom and waste time. If you excel at your job, you have more wiggle room to do what you want.

The bathroom is single-stall. We lock it to ensure our privacy. Harlow passes me the joint she rolled this morning, and I open the bathroom window, careful not to touch the strange yellowish-brown substance on its sill. I reach into my bra to retrieve my special lighter. Her name is Zelda. She’s a gold zippo with the lovers tarot card engraved on the front. My lighter is due for a flint and wick replacement soon. I might even have to take some time to maintain its finish. I flip it open, light the perfectly rolled joint, and take two puffs, but I do not pass it to Harlow. She doesn’t do drugs or even drink, for that matter. It’s not for lack of trying. She just doesn’t react well to them. It’s almost like she’s allergic. Harlow is, however, the resident joint roller because I suck at it, and she’s a good friend.

“You remember that episode of The Twilight Zone with the author?” she asks. I know I’m the high one, but she always manages to come up with the goofy high-people questions.

“Gonna have to be more specific, Babe.” I have literally never seen an episode of The Twilight Zone, and I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that to her.

“He's cheating on his wife and gets exposed when she comes home early, but it turns out his mistress is a fictional character he created. Come to find out, his wife is actually also a fictional character who was initially perfect but deviated from his description, which is why she came home early in the first place.”

“I feel like I-” I wheeze, breaking into a series of hacking coughs that made my body jerk. “would just make my character wife polyamorous.”

“Yeah, but if she's gained sentience, you can't make her do anything, and you certainly can't make her want to be with you anymore.”

“Damn, I guess I write her a new wife, and I write myself a husband because men have no standards.” the joke makes me laugh, and I send myself into another coughing fit.

“I think I just wouldn’t use the magic.”

“Wow, you’re so lame.” I cup my hand over the joint to hide the glow of the cherry and protect it from the breeze let in by the window. I take a drag. If this wind picks up, I fear, oh how I fear, that I will have to stay here at the inn. I would rather sit on a hot grill. “Also, what you meant to say was sapience, not sentience. All animals are sentient, but humans are sapient.”

She punches the shit out of my shoulder. “You’re so freaking irritating.” I launch the roach out of the window, and we depart.

In the time it took us to leave and come back, the guests from the Inn all came down to the tavern. They’re not dressed in their best costumes anymore, but they dressed up enough for me to respect their commitment to the bit. A loud bang, like metal on glass, comes from my left. The whole room turns to look. A street sign has blown into the tavern’s window and bounced off. Looks like we’re staying here tonight. I go to take a set of room keys from behind the bar, but the rack is empty.

“No, no, no” this can’t be. There were three fucking keys here when we left. Under the counter. They must be under the counter, under the cups, in the cash register, or something. They have to be here somewhere. Harlow puts her hand on my shoulder.

“The inn is full, honey,” and there are no rooms left. The staff is trapped. “I guess we’ll have to sleep in the tavern.”

“Harly, I can’t sleep in the tavern.”

“Yes, you can.” she models taking deep breaths in and out with her hands and chest. “It’ll be okay. I’ll snatch up the nicest, cleanest booth we’ve got. You know, the one in the corner, and all night we’re gonna laugh at that bitch Michelle because her big sasquatch ass is gonna have to sleep on the floor.” Damn, she’s funny. I hate to say it because it makes me seem like an asshole, but the jab at Michelle is pulling me out of my panic attack. I chuckle, and Harlow lets out a sigh of relief.

“She really is fucking huge.” I’m laughing so hard Harlow can barely understand me “She’s like Hagrid in a mini skirt.” She joins in my laughter, and I remember why she’s my best friend.

Harlow puts me in a friendly headlock. “It’s all gonna be alright, Jiminy. It's not gonna be like when you were a kid.”

“Yeah, I know it’s gonna be fine,” I say with a smile. “Because I’m going to pick up one of these nerds and sleep in a nice, warm bed tonight.”

“Are you serious? You’re resorting to prostitution now?”

“I am!” I reply very loudly and matter-of-factly. Then I stalk off in search of my new man.

The guys who come here aren’t usually very ugly, but they're still not preferable. Occasionally, we get a semi-attractive man who roleplays as a prince fighter hero, half-elf, or something or other. Unfortunately for me, it seems we’ve got a bad batch in here tonight. There’s a man in with really nice arms, but he’s got a wedding ring. After a good look around, I saw three viable options. The first is a burly man with heavy green face paint, the second is a tall, lanky blonde orc, and the third is a ginger, who looks like a sixteen-year-old, who I know for a fact is 23 because I carded him. I’m about to go for the blonde orc at the end of the bar when, out of the corner of my eye, I see him—a pretty boy dressed in standard 21st-century garb. He’s got brown floppy hair and bright blue eyes with a yellow center almost like a sunflower. They go perfectly with his warm and inviting peachy complexion. Looking at him genuinely is an experience. Obviously, he’s the one.

Okay, Cricket, it’s game time. I reach behind the bar and take a swig from the bottle of my favorite cinnamon whiskey. I went into this thinking I wouldn’t have to try very hard, but if I’m going to turn tricks, I figure I should turn them for a man of substance. It’s a good thing I have this corset on. I look freaking amazing. I walk right up and sit across from him in his booth.

“Alright, what’s your story, pretty boy? What on earth is someone like you doing in The Chipped Tea Cup?”

“Yeah, no. Welcome to my booth, I guess, Miss—” He pauses to read my name tag. “Tiploft.” He puts on a genuine smile. “Just trying to escape the rain. I’m at the tail end of a road trip, actually.” That was kind of obvious, and I’m not sure why I asked. The road trip is news, though.

I rest my elbows on the table and lean in to show off my cleavage. “Oh, so you’re a true adventurer. Where are you going?”

“I got a new apartment uptown, just a few miles from here. I’ve traveled through six states to get here.”

“Uptown? Are you, by chance, a student.”

“Yep, going to Redwood University. Working at the Research Lab of The Adjustment Of Phenology,” I give him a quizzical look. “The study of seasons. I’m gonna help solve climate change,” he says proudly.

“Huh, I would’ve guessed business major. Men who look like you want to work on wall street and like fuck people over.”

“Glad to break the stereotype, Thelda.”

“Oh, shit, no, that’s not my name. This is my work cosplay.” I hope to god I don’t look like a Thelda. “What’s your name?”

“It’s March.” he extends his arm for a handshake, “March Starling.”

“Cricket St. James.” I shake his hand. “Let me buy you a drink.”

“Thanks so much for offering, but I don’t drink.”

“Oh, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about. My best friend’s allergic to alcohol, too.” I have never come across another person with an allergy like Harlow’s. If I’m being honest, I’ve never even considered that there are other people like her. I guess I just thought she, of all people, would have such an obscure trait.

“No, I don’t drink of my own volition.” he pauses and furrows his eyebrows. “I’m also pretty sure no one is allergic to alcohol.”

“You’re telling me that you’re a sexy environmentalist who doesn’t drink.”

He smiles to himself, “Better than your average drunken pollutant.”

“Ha ha, very funny.” I tease. “What do you do for fun then?”

“Well, sometimes back home, when I would get bored, I would sneak into the abandoned buildings on the other side of town.” I nod my head, encouraging him to go on. “And I would hand out snacks to the homeless, and we’d have great conversations.”

“Oh, wow, you really are just a nice guy.”

His cheeks start to redden. “What are you then, Cricket?” he asks.

“I’ll tell you later,” I say, changing the subject. “So, will you be staying the night, March, or are you thinking of braving the storm to get to your new place?” If I had a drink, I would twirl its straw and flip my dreads, but I went into this half-cocked.

“I’m staying. Got the last available room, apparently.” This motherfucker took my room.

“Really? That’s so lucky. Most of the staff here are staying in the tavern tonight.” I give him a tiny closed-mouth smile, making it seem like I’m failing an attempt at stoicism.

“That’s awful. I know I can’t help everybody, but you can stay in my room tonight if you would be comfortable with me.” He’s so kind, I don’t even think I’ll have to sleep with him. I guess he just likes helping the homeless, however temporary their homelessness.

“I would love to share a room with you, March.”

Too Sweet Masterlist

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 4

Looking for FEEDBACK on my first few chapters. They are really short and are easy reads. Any feedback is welcome. Tell me about anything you think can be improved upon or anything that you liked. Comment on the prose or the dialogue. Literally anything that comes to mind that can help.

@mundanemoongirl @arrowmoose @yourpenpaldee @frostedlemonwriter

[asteria7fics]

Can we have some of your personal style headcanons?

Why yes, dear anon, you absolutely can!

I'll only share SFW ones here, but if you're interested in NSFW ones please let me know d(･∀･○)

This also contains some mild spoilers for the fic I'm currently working on - NOT The Song of Broflovski. If you'd rather go into that totally blind, then maybe skip this answer. Otherwise, read on!

Alright, so let's start from the beginning. I personally write Kyle as figuring out his feelings first, while Stan acts on them first. Neither one is stoked on the idea of coming out (Stan for Randy-trauma related reasons, Kyle for Cartman-trauma related ones) so they don't publicly come out/start actually dating until late high school when they know they're about to skip town and move away to college.

That doesn't stop them from messing around of course, but I'll save that info for a NSFW drop. (¬‿¬)

I also really like the idea of their relationship not changing massively even after they've become an official couple. They still fight, they still do a lot of the same activities together, and they never really adopt any pet names outside of still calling one another 'dude' all the damn time. Just two straight dudes in love, honestly.

Kyle is Stan's #1 defender, and will go to war with douchebags in the comments of Stan's social media posts (hard headcanon him as still being a musician/leaning really hard into his passion for music. Crimson Dawn is definitely still a thing in the Asteriaverse). You dare to talk shit about Stanley Marsh on the internet?? In front of God and everyone?? Baby you're getting doxed. Bye.

He also just unironically loves the music Stan makes, with Crimson Dawn and otherwise. Like, shitty phone recording from a performance as his ringtone kinda love. I think Kyle would have pretty eclectic music taste in general, but I like the idea of them bonding over the kind of stuff Stan would want to make.

I like to think Stan is more of a bad/freeing influence on Kyle. My Kyle has a little bit of a stick up his ass, especially as he gets older and there's more pressure on him to excel in school. Stan really becomes the person that wraps him up in a blanket after a long day of studying, passes him a drink and puts on Monty Python so they both can just relax and have fun together.

And they're absolutely the guys at the party standing in the corner by the drinks, cracking jokes to one another while they watch everyone else make complete asses of themselves. Just in their own little world, until they get properly drunk and end up making out in a bathroom or some shit. Just messy bitches.

They simultaneously communicate extremely well and absolutely horribly. They have the kind of connection where one look says it all, but when it comes down to deeper issues and arguments they're both trash at communicating their feelings. Kyle gets too heated and just starts RANTING while Stan can barely articulate a singular feeling. Eventually Stan figures out that he kinda just has to let Kyle get his shit off his chest and eventually he'll calm down enough to help Stan sort out his feelings too, but those first couple years? Rough haha no smooth sailing for my boys I'm afraid.

Alright, I'm gonna stop here because I could probably sit here and talk about these losers all day. These are pretty surface level, both because I don't want to spoil too much and because I'm always forming new headcanons for them! Really specific ones usually come to me in the moment while I'm writing, so I'll definitely come up with more before this next project is finished!

Thank you very much for the ask!! ( ´⌣`ʃƪ)

[adarkrainbow]

As I have been reblogging and looking back at Sleeping Beauty stuff around the Internet, I realized the thing that is bothering me a bit... When it comes to the you know "original" format of Sleeping Beauty.

Everywhere on the Internet you have these posts and videos and whatnot about "The dark truth behind Sleeping Beauty" or "The Horrifying Origins of Sleeping Beauty!", and they all refer to the fact that in the "original" version of the tale, she got raped in her sleep. This is the "dark fact" everybody LOVES to spread around and talk about. Except... Except the version they refer to is Basile's "Sun, Moon and Thalia".

Why does that matter? I'll explain.

Everybody depicts "Sun, Moon and Thalia" as this sort of dark, horrifying tale of a grim and gruesome crime. They will have in their video a dark background, and creepy illustrations, and they will take an ominous horror movie voice and whatnot.

But there's a big problem with that. Basile's stories were all except serious. They were humoristic tales. Or more precisely, they were farcical stories. Farces. There's a reason its "twin compilation", Straparola's fairytale collection, is called "Facetious Nights". So the very idea of presenting these stories as if they were meant to be taken seriously is completely misreading the story's tone. Yes there was a rape - but if you extract this from the entire context and storytelling, you make this tale sound like something it is absolutely not.

"Sun, Moon and Thalia" is not meant to be a horror story. It was not meant to be read as "serious" story. It has nothing to do with either the Grimm or Perrault fairytales. The entirety of the "Pentamerone" is basically a folk-sex comedy. If such a thing can exist.

Every fairytale of the Pentamerone is opened by a small recap of the story announcing what it will be about - and already from the get-go the very two lines opening this recap give the humoristic nature of the tale away. "Thalia dies because of a splinter". I mean come on - the joke is obvious. A girl gets a splinter, she dies. And if this wasn't enough the rest of the sentence can be translated as following: "she is left in a room where the son of the king penetrates and makes her two children". The choice of the word "penetrate" is to highlight the pun in the original line where the prince entering Thalia's bedroom and the prince entering Thalia's body is resumed in one same verb.

For more breakdown of the jokes of the story, see below the cut:

As I said before from the get-go the "curse" is treated as a joke. You have this king that summons scholars to make his daughter's horoscope, right? And what does it say. "She is in great danger... BECAUSE OF A SPLINTER!". This is literaly the killer rabbit of the Monty Pythons.

In this story, what does the little old woman that offered the princess the spindle does, once the princess falls dead? (Because she is dead in this version, a magical death, but dead still). Does she warns everybody and cries for help as in Perrault's version? No! "She was quick to find back the stairs [from which she came in]" and she runs as fast away as she can without warning everybody, because she's not going to get into trouble because of some random girl that wanted to see how to spin.

The whole arrival of the prince is very, VERY unprincely and part of the joke. (Well it is a king here but I'm going to call him "prince" so as to not lose people). So he is hunting, right, and his hunting falcon enters the countryside building in which the king locked up his daughter's corpse. The prince wants to get back his bird, so he knocks - because he believes the house is inhabited. And since nobody answers and he REALLY wants his bird back, he fetches a ladder and is forced to climb up a window like a vulgar thief. And he is royalty, remember.

What is the prince's first interaction with the dead Thalia? Believing she is asleep, he starts talking to her. And since she doesn't answer he kind of shakes her around in trying to wake her up. And then suddenly, realizing she kind of looks good (an that she is visibly not alive anymore), he "does his little business" and promptly puts her back where he found her and leaves. Because he is, like most men in the Pentamerone a stupid horny dog without much morals that has the most sudden and bizarre bursts of sexual desire. Cause again the Pentamerone is a sex comedy.

In fact, in the story of "Sun, Moon and Thalia", the prince is MEANT to come off as quite stupid. He is stupid. First off he didn't get that Thalia was dead when he saw her. Then, as soon as he leaves the funeral-house, it is said he "forgot all about this adventure". Like literaly, he forgets all about it - and only suddenly remembers it randomly when Thalia wakes up. (The narration itself highlights the randomness of the events - the fact the prince remembers Thalia is random and for no reason, and in the same way there are two fairies that randomly appear out of nowhere to take care of the two babies and we are never explained anything about them - they even frighten poor awakened Thalia because she doesn't know who brings her magically food every day). When he sees back Thalia, he is all joyful and happy and he is like "Let's start a family! I'm a dad, woohoo!" ; and then the narration drops the bomb that nothing had foreshadowed: "Now, his wife was waiting for him back at the palace." The randomness of dropping the fact he has a wife is meant to be the joke, since we were led to believe he was a bachelor. But given the prince's tendency to forgetfulness it is very likely that he simply forgot he had a wife.

More of the prince's obvious stupidity and air-headedness. On one side how he betrays Thalia and her children's names to his wife - because he just can't stop repeating and singing their names out loud, day and night, even when eating or sleeping, due to how silly-happy he is. On the other, the reason why he is absent while his wife tortures Thalia: he got angry at a comment of hers, and because he was furious, he literaly had to go to ANOTHER LAND just to vent his anger. Literaly, he leaves his palace and moves to another of his domain just because he got pissy. And why did he get pissy? Because his wife kept ironically singing to him "Eat, because what you eat belongs to you" when she served him his "children" - and the stupid prince, unable to understand what she meant, literaly answers "Of course it belongs to me: I'm the bread-winner of the family, while you're doing nothing and bringing nothing to the house". [Which by the way, highlights the fact that in this couple, the wife is depicted as profiting off the king's wealth and power].

Speaking of the dinner around the fake "children": this meal is another sex joke. Because the two of them, the wife and husband, are "panting with desire" around the dishes, and keep singing stuff like "Oh that's good, oh that's good!" and "Come on, eat, come on eat!" making it all an erotic scene. A ridiculous, grotesque, perverse erotic scene around what one character believes to be a cannibalistic meal, while the other just very loudly appreciates good meat.

When the queen tries to have Thalia killed, Thalia tries to defend herself by the fact she didn't know of the queen's existence, and that any sexual thing that happened between her and the prince was in her sleep - which the queen of course does not believe because of how ridiculous it all seems. I mean you catch who you believe is your husband's lasting extra-marital mistress and what is her excuse? "Oh no you see, he made me my kids when I was asleep. Well kind of dead. I didn't know. No he did not wake me up. I didn't wake up either when the kids were born. I'm a really deep sleeper. And it was because of a splinter you see..." Literaly, imagine yourself in the place of the jealous queen hearing all that.

Thalia gains time on her execution by asking the permission to remove her clothes, and the queen accepts, but as a joke she accepts out of greed because she literaly wants to take back Thalia's dress and jewels for herself. And each time Thalia removes a piece of her clothes, she screams. She screams in hope of alerting the prince. But since the prince is far away, he doesn't hear until the very last scream. Meaning that Thalia literaly strips herself in front of the queen, while screaming every time she takes off a piece of clothing, to visibly no effect (which must leave the poor queen quite confused), and it is only when Thalia gets naked and pushes the final scream that the prince suddenly arrive. You can imagine Thalia going: "FINALLY! I've been screaming for hours now!" (especially when you consider how much pieces of clothing princesses wore at the time).

Literaly one of the threats the prince gives to his wife is "Get ready to go fatten up the broccolli". As a metaphor for being dead and buried underground. Tip-top manly threat. In fact the prince is here quite proficient in ridiculous poetic metaphors: when the cook reveals he saved his children, the prince says "Get ready to move out of the small kitchen of my castle to the vast kitchen of my heart."

And of course the final "moral" of the story is also part of the entire farcical joke that is this story. "People who are lucky receive good fortune, even in their sleep". You literaly have a girl who is randomly raped in her sleep and gives birth to children in her dead-sleep, and then is almost murdered by the rapist' wife... And THAT'S the moral of the story? If you take it all literaly, then you are a fool. Or at least Basile would have called you a fool.

Again, people tend to forget that when it comes to literary fairytales (but also a lot of folk-fairytales) there is a TONE that is important. It is the brothers Grimm and other collectors after them that imposed the idea that fairytales were meant to be read "seriously". A lot, LOT of fairytales were originally humoristic - even going into dark humor or sex comedy. And whenever you go by Straparola or Basile, you HAVE to look at them under the angle of a joke or humor, and search for the puns and caricatures and ridiculousness within these tales. Because these books were meant to be read as such. They are like Rabelais' Gargantua or Shakespeare's comedies. You can of course reinterpret them as "serious" tales... But it won't remove the fact the original was humoristic.

[flowery-laser-blasts]

My not so serious KP villain headcanons:

Personal headcanons that I have for the Kim Possible villains (not all of them). Long post.

Shego loves horror movies and podcasts and once scared the living hell out of Drakken after watching Ringu. She hid under the bed and once he almost drifted off to sleep, she reached from underneath to grab his hand and reveal her with hair covered face.

Shego hates cooking and rather orders take out than go through the effort of prepairing meals. The worst part is cleaning up dishes.

Shego can warm/radiate heat through her hands with her powers in a non-harmfull way. This comes in handy when massaging Dr D's stiff shoulders.

Shego's favourite chickflick is Legally Blonde. She showed it to Drakken once, he too, likes it. Now after every defeat they watch this movie while patching themselves up.

Dr Drakken loves British comedy such as Monty Python, the Mighty Boosh and Little Britain. He often quotes their jokes.

Dr Drakken has a complex bedtime skin care routine that he never skips and follows to a T. Though he only does it before bed, so if he stays awake for several days in a row, he won't do it until actually going to bed.

Dr Drakken actually plucks away stray hairs around his eyebrow to keep the look 'clean' and 'on fleek'.

Dr Drakken's shampoo smells of Lush' sugarplum fairy bodyspray.

Dr Drakken always sings the Mighty Boosh' 'Soup Song' when preparing soup. His secret ingredient to his vegetable soup with mini meatballs is tiny elbow macaroni.

Dr Drakken's 'take over the world by plants' scheme was stolen/inspired from Duff Killigan's failed attempt at turning the world into a golfcourse when the two were over at his place to discuss plans on the Tempes Simia idle and Monkey Fist was away to use the restroom.

Duff Killigan has one of those 'golf-on-your-toilet' golf sets in each restroom/bathroom.

Duff Killigan's favourite Disney movie is Brave, but more so because of the mother daughter bonding aspect of the story. He's a sucker for those kinds of movies.

Monkey Fist loves Shakespeare's works solely because of the infinite monkey theorem.

Monkey Fist has an incredible hatered towards the song "Banana Man" by Tally Hall and 'Day-O' by Harry Belafonte. It's an earworm that never leaves within a day and makes the monkey ninjas dance uncontrollably.

Monkey Fist takes extremely good care of personal hygiene and regularly cuts his nails.

Adrena Lynn's actual name is Adrien.

Adrena Lynn called out the Jackass cast for being fakes.

Adrena Lynn's favourite non extreme sport is table tennis.

Adrena Lynn started the 'girl dinner' tend.

Gill's favourite animals are sharks.

Gill bullied Ron because he wanted to look cooler in front of other camp kids. At his school, he would be the one being bullied.

Gill actually didn't dislike Ron at first but it changed when Ron grabbed an extra (and the last) chocolate pudding cup during dinner on their first day of camp.

Professor Dementor shines his helmet with a hand held waxing device, he never takes it off though.

Professor Dementor's favorite snack is caramel seasalt pretzels.

Professor Dementor wanted to become a children's book writer when growing up.

Dr Drakken, Monkey Fist and Duff Killigan play Dungeons&Dragons. Monkey Fist DMs most of the time, second is Drakken; Duff never DMs. The big bad evil guy is Kim Possible but they almost lose every campaign except for the rare occasion in which the BBEG dies due to accidental environmental circumstances out of their hands. They tried to replicate it irl but where do you find a giant dragon, three gnomes an enchanted blueberry pie and a catapult?

Motor Ed uses WD-40 for his hair instead of conditioner, seriously.

Motor Ed is a diehard Meatloaf fan (the artist, not the food).

Motor Ed despises Meatloaf (the food, not the artist).

Frugal Lucre loves pineapple pizza with extra ham

Frugle Lucre's arch enemy is Kim's cousin Larry.

Frugal Lucre collected cuddlebuddies but his mom threw them out because "you're too old for these toys, so I gave them away to your niece Pamela for her baby room" and that's his villain origin story.

Frugal Lucre has a Dr Drakken cosplay that he sometimes wears to (Hench co.) conventions (inspired by @gothicthundra 's Halloween chapter)

DNAmy's biggest inspiration for fashion is Velma Dinkley from the Scooby Doo franchise.

DNAmy hates Tom and Jerry because it promotes 'violence'.

DNAmy actually is pretty chill and wouldn't mind Kim Possible's company as long as Kim apologises for destroying her work. Kim is a fellow cuddlebuddy collector after all.

After Monkey Fist turned into stone, DNAmy tried reviving him. It didn't work out. She eventually moved on and started dating Frugal Lucre. They're in a happy committed relationship now.

The Bebe bots have their own reality show in Japan and are content with the attention and admiration from fans. They were offered a contact as idol group but they denied it because they didn't want to collaborate with Hatsune Miku.

Señior Senior Junior became a top model and worked with the fashionistas but when they got arrested again, SSJ used his privilege to continue his career.

With the help of Bonnie, Señior Senior Junior wrote an autobiography about his life under the influence of his father. It's titled "I didn't want to be a criminal, but Daddy made me do it." And it is said to become an autobiographical movie (but once again, Junior can't star in it).

Señior Senior Junior and Bonnie got married after Bonnie graduated from college.

Señior Senior Junior loves My little Pony friendship is magic and writes wholesome fanfiction. He likes PinkPie because she likes to party. He also realises that a lot of his youth is missed out on because of his father's wealth. He is semi thankful for villainy because it introduced him to Shego and their friendship. He tried making her watch it but she didn't seem into it.

Señior Senior Senior could actually give up villainy for his future grandchildren. This was Bonnie's initiative, because she doesn't want her kids to grow up around inmates and prisoners.

That's it for now, if I've got more I'll add it here!!

[yonderghostshistories]

A Post talking about writing my first Monty Python AU fanfic (of sorts)

This is my first time wanting to write a fanfic. Hope it turns out well! Especially since this particular (albeit kinda morbid) topic of mine has interested me for a while, also because I want to get it out of my chest due to having nightmares about it a while ago, so it'll be better for me to write it down and probably make my health and mind better mentally. Anyway, uhh rambling over. Please do let me know your thoughts on the fanfic idea for when I actually make the idea a full fledged fanfic (maybe with the help of my friends, if they're comfortable with it that is), criticisms and all, just so that i can fine-tune some aspects of it! Thank you.

The working title for the fanfic is called "POV: John and Michael have Ceased to Be...." (A Monty Python AU fanfic)

Age Rating: 13+ and older

Tone: Angst (mostly angst but with some humour in there)

CW/TW: Assassination mention, grief mention, survivors guilt mention.

Synopsis: Today is Friday, 9th November, 1979. You and your friend are watching the "Friday Night, Saturday Morning" debate on the TV, where John Cleese and Michael Palin are up against Bishop Mervyn Stockwood and Interviewer Malcolm Muggeridge about the film "Life of Brian" discussing the accusations of the film being "blasphemous". Along with them, a weird-looking yet somewhat humble and somewhat quiet person called Benjamin Haroldson, a member of the public who was brought in to share their thoughts on the film "Life of Brian", stares at and is mostly fixated on John and Michael. You notice how Benjamin almost always has his hands in his coat pockets, never letting them out. You don't mention this to your friend since, to be honest, it's just a minor detail that you've noticed. Whilst your friend goes to make sandwiches for you and them, you're still at the couch enjoying the programme. One the TV, Benjamin asks for a glass of water, and gets up. That's sounds normal, right? Well, as everyone gets on debating with each other, Benjamin brushes past John and Michael. After Benjamin has his glass of water, he suddenly stands behind where John is sitting, and to your shock, you see him calmly pull out a gun, John at first not noticing and Benjamin shoots him in the head, bits of his brain spread across the floor, blood flowing down his forehead. Michael, in shock, shouts out "J-Joh-" before he too is shot next by Benjamin, his head split with a bullet wound, blood gushing out through his cold, dead face. Everyone in the studio is screaming in horror. Your face is covered by your shivering hands, trying to believe it's not true. That it's just some horrible prank, a joke even. But no.... it's really happening. The last thing you see is Benjamin's cold, emotionless face. The last thing you hear from him is ".....you shouldn't have made that film, you blasphemous twats..." .

[alpaca-clouds]

Kings made little difference

(In the life of most people.)

I guess I am doing another history ramble again. I originally wanted to put in a picture of some sort of actual king, but you know what? King the little titan is actually pretty good there. xD

But it is something I really want people to understand about history: To most people who ever lived under a king, it did not really make much of a difference, who that king was. If you went anywhere in the middle ages into some village and asked a random farmer, who the current king was... There was a good chance, that he would not have known about it. Because it made little difference in his life.

Farmers at any point in history usually got their instruction of what plants to cultivate from higher up, yes. Be it a king or a landlord. But it did not matter if the king died and his son or grandson or brother or whoever picked up the crown. It only started to matter to them, when there was a war of succession, because then it was mostly the farmers that got drafted to fight.

Which is also a misconception a lot of folks have. That medieval armies were all knights, who were trained soldiers and what not.

It wasn't. Sure, Hungary's Black Army was actually a standing army. But most wars were fought by peasants, who maybe got armed or maybe just carried their fucking pitchfork into battle. No big armor. No nice swords.

Monty Python made some jokes about this in Monty Python and the holy grail. And they are obviously right about it.

You have to see, that in the middle ages there was a good chance that a peasant would not see the king ever in their life. Not even a picture of the king. Because traveling took a long while and people just could not afford it. And there was no mass media. No news papers. Just folks who were travelling and might tell you news from the capital.

It did not matter to the farmer, if in a war the borders shifted and suddenly they were part of Hungary instead of Austria or the other way around. They would still speak the same language as before (which would slightly differ from the language spoken in the next village over, because dialects were stronger due to the lack of travel).

We look at history focusing on the noble families and what they did. But... I kinda hate that. Because in the end... While it certainly has formed the world we have today, it did matter surprisingly little for most of the people living in the past.

So maybe we should talk about the life of the normal people. Because they mattered. In a way they mattered more than any stupid king ever did.

Just a thought.

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

Its the end of the year! Which means its time to post the

Tags That Made Me Smile 2022

The following are a collective list of tags, author notes, and fic names that i saw on ao3 and tumblr that made me either laugh or smile. Ive separated them by fandom but a good amount arent actually fandom specific. Ive added the character names or fandom at the end like {name} to clarify who the tag is talking about

[2021's list]

Author Specific / Non-Specific

i saw canon; acknowledged it; And promply burned it in a dirty trash can thanks; Have this instead

Give me pain I need to feel something

this is self projection thank you coming to my ted talk

Whats that?? Overused tropes that everyone has seen before????? Pfffffffft. This fic is literally just a big mess of "how can I cater to myself and myself only"

you ever just look at your life and wonder how you got here; bc that's what this fic is for me

Don't underestimate me I DO NOT know how long this fan-fic will be

can you tell my target audience is myself

this is content specifically catered to me and no one else

these characters are my landlords and i pay them rent

P O L Y A M O R Y   I S   M Y   P O L Y J A M O R Y

cheek kiss warning

kidnapping isn’t sexy don’t do it

i've never read the archie comics but that's not gonna stop me {archie sonic}

not me writing a whole fic for a ship only i care about; that like maybe two other people ship; rowing this boat is hard but someone has to do it {scourge x fleetway sonic}

ankles don't heal this fast but fuck it i do what i want

no beta we die like men; or rather we drown like the sad shipper with a pool noodle we are

I'm afraid of the Danimals mascot and you should be too

if you're getting flood warnings, don't worry. It's just MY TEARS!

me at every character: anxiety be upon ye

Me (Grabs canon and runs a marathon with it)

Quote: Do you think God stays in heaven because he too lives in fear of what he's created (Spy Kids) {tmnt crossover}

Alternate Universe - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

contains dangerous amount of bed based snuggling

(kind of its a very short very homosexual fight scene); and then they kiss.

Hostage situation takes a romantic turn???? Not clickbait????

enemies to frenemies

Improper Use of Pool Noodles

stone cold stoicism meeting determined stupidity

Star Wars

Kanan Jarrus: The Daddening

platonic love is what healed his lonely existence {din djarin}

when in doubt: road trip with the besties {din, boba, fennec}

Soul Eater

found family at its finest {kid, liz, patty}

The Witcher

wife (platonic) {yennskier}

at first I was like haha geralt and Istredd should kiss as a joke…. but bro I don’t think it’s a joke anymore….

Sonic the Hedgehog

Movie!Super Sonic is made out of LOVE no one touch me

Sonics gay awakening I guess

sonic movie 2 made me make an ao3 account lol

Sonic was made to love people

Two Bros Chillin’ in an ER Five Feet Apart ‘cause they’re not gay {sonic x shadow}

the most dangerous thing is to love {shadow}

Trapped in a small box with just enough room to face some feelings {sonic x shadow}

the R in rivalry stand for romance {sonic x shadow}

The L in Rivalry Stands For 'Love' {sonic x shadow}

A Largely Platonic Cave

i love boom!shadow so naturally i made him even more insufferable

Sad-ow

Wachowskis holdin it down in the bg; Absolute champs

I love how Shadow is just so mindbogglingly utterly done with reality

Knuckles is a guardian of all things great and small

“Would you kiss a worm?" “If he was cute as fuck? Yeah.” {wade x stone}

"What is this made of, bendable titanium?!" "INCORRECT. IT IS MADE OF THE FRUSTRATIONS OF MOTHERS EVERYWHERE." {team dark}

featuring a scourge that trips far too much because it's my fic and I said so {scourge x fleetway sonic}

no thoughts just soft hedgehog moments

listen if im going to die at the hands of injured lancelot shit i might as well take advantage of it

Everyone has a crush on Lancelot and I'll die on this hill

fairy Lancelot Fairy Lancelot FAIRY LANCELOT!!!

TMNT

Slow Burn; mostly on april's end of things; casey and donnie are basically on fire right off the bat {tmnt 2012}

Rise!Donnie and 2012!Casey be out there committing arson together for their first date >.>

Please enjoy Casey, the fool, realizing his feelings for Donnie, another fool {tmnt 2012}

Draxum and Splinter are the turtles' dads (it's a reluctant partnership)

just two absolute powerhouses holding each other gently {raph x mona}

“There’s nothing wrong with the way you love, Dee. Goodnight.” {rottmnt}

Wondering what to do when the apocalypse happens? Easy: fly across the country and get Vegas-married. That's definetley an appropriate reaction that won't involve your complicated feelings towards your roommate at all {hypno x warren}

Look rise are weapons of war 12 were accidents and I play with that HARD in this fic

"GET IN THE TURTLE TANK BITCHES WE GOING TO FAMILY THERAPY" {rottmnt}

Donatello is now Dad-Atello {rottmnt}

The other [Casey] is out on a beach in Tahiti; It's what he deserves after surviving the Krang {rottmnt}

Leo is now actively being hunted for sport; (the only sport Donnie is good at) {rottmnt}

These turtles can fit so much trauma

2018 Karai lives because fuck Nick; Casey x Donnie x April are a healthy ship and also fuck nick again

I cant be the only one pissed by Leo's and Karais 'love interest plot'; Leonardo's weird feelings were simply gender envy...Yes that is canon now {tmnt 2012}

What happens when two "dudes" call each other 'girlfriend'; Transgender activities, that's what! {tmnt 2012}

splinter is twice divorced and never married {rottmnt}

Papatello / Dadatello {rottmnt}

draxum's gone from dadxum to grand-dadxum good for him

HOLY FUCKING SHIT YES YES YES YES; GRANDPA BARRY COMING IN CLUTCH

draxum just be like gramps still got it; and by 'it' i mean a complete lack of forethought for care when creating random children

Puts the Bi in Bitchless {rottmnt leo}

its because ninja turtles

feral mamatello {rottmnt}

Marvel

it's the anguish, the self flagellation, the audacity to love the man who annihilate ur nation and killed ur mother; your m o t h e r {black panther}

[smimon]

Dunno what kinda of movies you like but here you go.

Horror: Wolf Creek. Backpackers getting murdered in the outback of Australia kinda inspired by real murders that happened.

Not horror:

Grand Budapest Hotel. Very stylistic (cause wes Anderson ) but also just a really fun story. Mostly love it for the visuals and the dialogue makes my brain happy with how it's delivered. Very snappy.

Flying high/aeroplane (it has different names depending on the country) has super dry humour and some of my fave jokes in any movie. I reference it a fair bit. Parody film basically but from like the 70s/80s

Muriel's wedding: classic story of an outsider finding her place and trying to not be a loser. Not my fave ever but a pretty iconic movie most people should watch at least once if you haven't already. Has some pretty good disability rep too!

Mad max fury road: one of my fave movies ever. Very action heavy but shot beautifully and the women are all bad ass.

Mitchells vs the machines: inventively animated and the family dynamic is fun with good humor. Kinda reminds me of gravity falls which is a great tv show

(Another great tv show is over the garden wall. Beautifully atmospheric and complete. I have a google drive if you want to watch it for free)

Also anything by monty python (especially holy grail and life of Brian )

Sorry these are very random suggestions but I was trying to think of things you probably haven't seen. Let me know if there's a genre you like and I can maybe get more specific?

Thank you for reminding me of Wes Anderson because I forgot I was supposed to rewatch Fantastic Mr. Fox ahaha

Yes thanks for all of these! Muriel's wedding sounds like something good for now 🧡 the rest for later

(And btw the entirety of Over the garden wall is available on cartoon network's yt channel with PL dub, how very kind of them)

[fabaceous]

i was tagged by @thenelse to do 8 shows to get to know me better...ok honestly i dont watch a lot of tv. i mostly watch the same shows over and over so i actually could barely list 8. fyi the first 4 are probs my favorite shows but the rest are just shows that have impacted my life in some way. please dont judge me i swear i have good taste in other things 👍

1. yellowjackets obviously because it has literally everything i could ever ask for in a tv show. it irreparably alters my brain chemistry on a weekly basis

2. always sunny in philly. i can always bond with my girl friends’ boyfriends over this one LOL. ive seen every single episode a truly embarrassing number of times and i dream of being randomly thrust into a trivia situation where there is a question about always sunny because i have an obscene amount of knowledge on always sunny lore and am 100% confident i would nail it.

3. arrested development. second only to always sunny in the making lanie laugh category. tobias funke character of all time

4. haunting of hill house. winner of the making lanie cry category. great autumnal watch, i love rewatching around halloween. bent neck lady reveal had me legitimately in shambles

5. i mean the office i guess. i watched it in high school or maybe college,  mostly because my friends were always referencing it and i wanted to get the jokes...and lol i rly thought jim/pam was peak romance. luckily now im older and wiser and know jackieshauna is peak romance

6. back in college i watched all of friends because of a vaguely homoerotic bestie situation that later imploded and the one perk of losing her was that i was finally free to admit that show fucking sucks especially ross fuck that guy fr. me and my friends would have killed ross with hammers i can tell you that much

7. i used to watch bones with my parents when i was probably a little too young to be watching it. perhaps this is the origin of my fascination with morbid things

8. another childhood nostalgia show is monty python’s flying circus which i always watched with my dad. to this day we are capable of annoying everyone else in the room by having an entire conversation made up of monty python quotes (complete with bad fake accents)

EDIT BECAUSE I FORGOT THE MOST OBVIOUS ONE I KNEW I WAS MISSING SOMETHING: DARK (the german time travel one) thats actually a legit favorite of mine, took me on so many emotional journeys and made me laugh and weep and theorize and ponder. and it was good german practice 👍

well now you know, for better or worse...probably worse...anyway i nominate @chel-c-fsea @jamesv-t @movingtoparistoshootheroin @excluded-from-the-narrative ummm ermmm ehhhm... i would also say @teabookgremlin but you already got tagged...but...get double tagged i guess? lol ok i wont be offended if any of you guys dont do this but i didnt want to be boring and not tag anyone hehe <3

[channeleven]

Why I don’t Like Teen Titans

I used to be a big fan of Teen Titans back in the day. With the advent of Teen Titans Go however, and people who haven’t let go of that show, I became more cynical toward the original show. Surely if so much effort is put toward heralding the original show it’s worth something, right? Well I thought about it, and I have complaints.

Not a Big Fan of the Animation

This should be obvious based on the various shots I made toward the show. I have nothing against the anime style, it works well in most shows, but it's not that it's bad, but that the show is inconsistent with it.

For perspective, specific characters are in the anime style, other characters are fashioned like those from other DC cartoons from the time, notably Justice League.

As you'd expect (or basically know, this isn't some obscure show.), the style clashes heavily with the tone of the show, once they get around to settling with one. One of the biggest hangups people have with Teen Titans Go is the comedic nature of it, but in this, the show's humor is just as cringeworthy, with the addition of anime tropisms that annunciate how childish it all feels.

However well it's animated is meaningless, because it was actually (or expectedly) costly to manage, which led to something one could never forget.

They could've easily kept with the style in other Timmverse shows, this was around the time Justice League Unlimited came out, but I guess one person couldn't hold back his Japanophilia.

Make Up Your Mind on the Tone

I called Teen Titans schizophrenic for a reason. Other shows that mix comedy and action at the very least keep a consistent tone, like Static Shock for instance. Here, there're stark jumps between comedy and darker action. They could've easily made an X-Men-esque show, but instead, we got a show that hasn't a clue what it wants to be.

We go from a Bat-Mite antagonist and Monty Python-type shenanigans, to allegories on drug abuse, racism and a satan stand-in. The shifts between each are enough to give you whiplash. It takes effort to incorporate both separately, it takes even more effort to strike a proper balance. Invader Zim pulled it off because it was a black comedy, with the comedy being exhibited through dark jokes, so when it came to darker aspects it wouldn't be out of place.

Not to mention, the anime schtick doesn't help matters, cartoony reactions in more serious scenes. And people treat this like the be all, end all of cartoons. At the very least Teen Titans Go stuck with one tone, this show feels just as lazy, as there was little rhyme or reason.

Dark My Ass

Along with the anime tropisms and cartoony expressions removing any seriousness from the situation, it also really wussed out when it came to major issues. Drug abuse? Relegated to a speed function. Satan, just my original character, Blatan. You already have a giant red demon, just call him Satan and have it where Raven was a demon sent to destroy the world before gaining a conscience and becoming a hero.

Not to mention dumbing down a discussion on racism. Once more Static Shock did it better by having it be point blank. Any show that relies on allegories is wussing out, and both were on the same network, so there was no excuse. Not to mention, I've seen no notable deaths on this, for a show heralded to such a degree you'd think they'd make no stops, but no, everything returns to the status quo.

Yeah, another thing, major catastrophes conclude quite swimmingly. That deal with Trigon? The entire city is restored and everyone reassumes their normal deeds. Any serialized elements can be chalked up to tracking down one particular bad guy.

If you really wanna go for dark and comedic, have it be indicative to the villains present (and that means no anime tropisms and whatever else the show has.)

Writing's not so good

I'm being harsh on this show because people love it so much and because it became the basis for an ongoing hate-boner for one certain show. Because it persists (albeit not as prominently as it was back then), it's a huge dealbreaker between me and this show.

But at large, many of the episodes have a lot of missed opportunities. People forget this is a dumbed down rendition of the comics.

There were so many directions many of the episodes could've gone, but we weren't so lucky. That episode where Beast Boy mutated, perhaps they could've had it where Beast Boy is framed for destroying the city by Adonis and the Titans get scrutinized. But no, it's entirely relegated to the Titans. This could've worked as a season one cliffhanger, where Beast Boy becomes a villain for a while, and is only able to realign with the Titans once he is able to merge both of his forms together.

That one where Robin saw Slade and no one else could? This could've been the perfect time (that along with Red X) to also have Robin potentially turn evil due to his obsession with Slade. The worst thing they did was give a reason for Robin's hallucinating. It's not a clever or subversive twist, it shoots a potentially clever idea in the foot. What could've been an interesting psychological thriller turned into another edgy evil villain plot that makes no logical sense.

The thing with Dr. Light was kinda useless, just leading to another one-way plot. This could've been a chance to create a villain to match Raven as he wants to bring the light to brighten the darkness (to her.), only pay-off to this is a callback later on. But on that episode, it would be interesting to have Raven turn into a demon which is why she is so limited with her emotions (the conflict being her anger would set something off), but neh.

When Cyborg gets transported back in time, it would've been interesting if the woman he saved turned out to be a twist villain and by saving her, cultivated a future threat.

On the episode they use to discuss racism... it feels limited. The context of Troq (however you spell it), feels like statement used to refer to Starfire's species as lower-class (which is more than nothing, and nothing is the meaning behind it.) I'd love to know the history between Star's home planet and wherever the guy who said the word is from, perhaps we can get even more background on Star's history to potentially make a new character arc, but no, we get the vanilla n-wpord treatement.

(I'm harping on that because some people treat this episode as a good discussion on racism. If you really want a good discussion on racism, check out the Static Shock episode Sons of the Fathers. Or hell, CatDog is a very good discussion on racism, discrimination and political and police corruption)

A little bonus, I think a line tweak would've helped make the episode with Atlus much better. If he begged for help at the end rather than a maintenance call from his lackey it would basically show that no matter the size, he is weaker for using his power for his own gain. Its such a simple thing to do...

And another thing I'll get to when we get to-

The not so great characters

Frankly the only interesting thing about Robin is his obsession with Slade. As mentioned before, Slade could've been an interesting way to drive Robin to villainy due to his constant obsession. It would get to the point he would throw his friends on the line when he feels he'd get close to a lead, whatever they did here feels like a typical action deal, i.e., not interesting.

It feels like Raven and Beast Boy fell into the teen cliche net, Raven strikes me as a generic mall goth who's traits are little more than predictable, and has the same kind of attitude many cartoon goths have that people latch on to. Plus she's voiced by Tara Strong. Beast Boy is reduced to a sometimes vegetarian, and the comic relief. Nothing too special and any good development feels hollow.

Starfire strikes me as the least good, mainly because she's so ill-developed. You'd think more time on earth would allow her to develop more, but no, she's the same as when she started. Gotta keep up that funny alien-custom schtick I guess.

And I suppose I don't find much wrong with Cyborg, because honestly he's the funniest one on the show.

Slade strikes me as both wasted and generic. First thing's first, he had no identity to keep, but they made it so here to act like the show has a deeper layer of complexity than it actually does, but it can't even pull that off.

Kinda wish we got more on how Plasmus came to be, no episode clued us in to how he became as was, hell, even with his upgrade he's still the same guy. Even Cinder (or whatever the blocky guy is) is confusing.

But now another thing... Terra.

First things first is why she didn't stick around for so long. Wouldn't you know it, the animation style led to higher costs on outsourcing, so they couldn't afford to add another full time regular actor. This had led to one of the worst character deconstructions I have ever seen. It's one very short, very clunky arc.

Firstly when she comes in, it's fine for the first few minutes, but when it comes to the climax, "Ruh roh! My powers suck, guess I gotta scram!", that's truly how it felt. Leading up to it, we're led to believe she has a history with Slade in the first episode, now look I'm all for a double agent set-up, but when you intentionally send clues to throw us off, that's not clever, that's just plain lazy.

I will say that one episode where Robin and Cyborg get transported to take on someone after playing a card game where Terra just suddenly appears could've worked to establish she was providing intel to Slade to set up a twist.

This kind of thing would've been better if it had more episodes to tell the arc, perhaps an entire season. We would be thrown off-guard by her 180 much more effectively when it comes. Because when she is revealed to be the villain, I'm like "Oh wow, I'm not interested."

Another thing I could say is that I like how she was reduced to rock. Perhaps her fear of using her power would stem from the fact that it could be her downfall? Slade could've manipulated her into becoming an ultimate weapon or just claim he had a way for her to relieve herself of her powers. And hello, another Static Shock reference. At this point I question if the writers could handle complex ideas like that.

Unintentional Cockiness

If you don't agree with me on the above, here's something more objective. They had a good finale, at least one appropriate to the show. But it seems the writers assumed they would get to do more, so they threw in this episode, featuring wasted potential incarnate coming back.

If you go into television, heed this advice. Treat every season finale like it's your series finale.

This feels like a dare the writers did when they knew they were about to get cancelled, sorta like what Duckman did for its series finale. Only difference is that this isn't as good of a cliffhanger, and, harkening back to me complaining about the writing, it negates what could've been an interesting aspect to Beast Boy.

From Terra's death on, Beast Boy would become more mature and fight for the world, not for himself but because he has something to fight for. If that was the case, they did a horrible job of showing it.

Conclusion

Teen Titans is rife with missed opportunities and a frankly vanilla feel to it. Compared to other DC shows, this honestly pales in comparison, it feels like the anime schtick was only done to ensure they'd get more people to watch, because otherwise we could leave well enough alone without it.

Honestly, Static Shock was a better DC cartoon from its era, tackling genuine issues head on, properly meshing comedy with action, being consistent art wise, damn, it's just a better show overall. Maybe we should be grateful Virgil never met the Teen Titans.

[allthemusic]

Week ending: 12th July

Well, we got to our first EP, the All Star Hit Parade (EP), credited to "Various artists". This is sufficiently vague that I can't seem to find a version of it, and in any case, I have no intention of covering EPs. My blog, them's the rules. Which still leaves us with...

I'm Walking Backward for Christmas - The Goons (double A-side, peaked at Number 4)

The Goons! I didn't actually know all that much about these guys, before listening to this, except that they were a 1950s British comedy troupe who did mostly radio comedy? They had a show called The Goon Show, and I know it heavily influenced Monty Python and just about every other act coming out of that same slightly daft/surreal British comedy tradition.

So yes, I'm expecting comedy here - which maybe explains the otherwise out of place title? We're about as far from Christmas as you can get, but I think you can get away with that if you're doing a comedy thing. This was a song that apparently was originally sung by Spike Milligan on the Goon Show during a writers' strike, and he's got a pretty legendary rep.

That said, I don't actually think I get this song? It starts with some very fast, chaotic big band jazz, but then cuts rapidly from that to a very nasal, annoying voice singing about how Across the Irish Sea, / I'm walking backwards for Christmas. Apparently sideways and forwards doesn't work, as people just look at me / And say it's a publicity stunt. Which... huh? I just don't fundamentally get what's funny or why that works as a joke, I don't think.

Anyway, we get a brief sketch of an Irish lad who falls in love with a girl, and he's apparently walking backwards across the sea for the sake of this girl? But again, I don't really followthe logic of the song. And my good will towards it - what little I had - is absolutely used up by the repeat of the first chorus bit, when the already nasal voice starts to sound a little bit like a buzzing fly, and gains a chorus of people making weird "ooooooh" groaning noises in the back. It's giving me a headache, just in time for the loud swing to return, and then some random piano thumping.

Yeah, I don't like this song much. I wanted to, but nope.

Bluebottle Blues - The Goons (double A-side, 4)

Oh boy. If I was irritated by the buzzing-fly sound on the last track, how much more so will I be annoyed here, on a track that is literally named for a type of fly?

Okay, there's a lot of speaking at the start of this, and I'm really not doing great at following the plot of it all. I don't know if people were just better at following radio conversations in the 1950s, or if I'm just personally bad at it, or if the recording quality that I'm listening to isn't helping, or if these were characters and voices people benefitted from knowing ahead of time? Because Bluebottle, it turns out, far from being a fly, is a recurring Goon Show character, a sort of irritating Boy Scout from East Finchley. Except I can't quite get a handle on what the joke is with him, except that he's irritating?

I know a lot of comedy is just "look at this irritating character", but this one really feels thin on the ground. He just gets tricked by the other unnamed character, which gives him the eponymous blues, except that basically is just him singing - in a not massively bluesy style - about how he doesn't like being the butt of various slapstick jokes and mischief. Which is not famously a genre of comedy that works in an audio format.

Yeah, I'm very irritated by this one too. The voices are minorly more palatable, but only minor, and I don't even manage to be charmed by the bit at the end where a man starts singing about walking backwards for Christmas, only to remark Oh no, that's the other side, isn't it? which is normally the sort of detail I'd eat up with a spoon. Grrrrr.

Okay, I am absolutely not going to name a favourite here. Not least beacuse it's so clearly a comedy record, and not a song. You can't sing along to this, half of it is spoken, and it relies heavily on you knowing the characters and context for the jokes. I wanted to enjoy this as a bit of silly fun, but it really didn't click. Sorry!

Least amusing song of the bunch: I'm Walking Backwards for Christmas

[m39]

Doom WADs’ Roulette (2007): It Only Gets Worse

Br1: It Only Gets Worse

Main author(s): Wills

Release date: July 6th, 2007

Version played: ???

Required port compatibility: ZDoom

Levels: 19 (14 regular ones, 3 secret ones, a cutscene one, and a hub one according to the textfile)

Once again, we welcome Wills, who, once again, won the Mockaward for the funniest WAD of the year. Winning two of these in a row makes him deserve some respect, not gonna lie.

This time, instead of adapting one of the Monty Python’s sketches, we are going to have something completely different. Something much more nonsensical – It Only Gets Worse. In-making for almost half of the year since January. And with the plot about you ending up as a scavenger for a dude that you own money.

Let’s see how far the rabbit hole in this WAD goes.

Starting with how this WAD looks – basic and zany at the same time. While it does sometimes look like the WAD from the mid-1990s, it does come up with the style of the location. Once you end up somewhere that feels like you are under lava, and after that, you are standing next to the U with umlaut.

The same can be said about the music. Almost all of the time it’s something that surprisingly fits to what’s happening on the map. We got speed-up versions of the original tracks, MIDI covers from other games/media, and some original stuff among others.

This WAD plays like nonsense (as it should be). You never know what will happen next; what the next map has to offer.

Now, I won’t be talking about what happens in every map like in TurboCharged ARCADE, because we will be here forever. Instead, I will take a slightly closer look at four regular maps and one secret map (three of which you can access from the hub map).

So, for instance, we have:

the map where you seek out a treasure while checking the toilets,

the map where you look for the crack pills in Mancubus’ apartment,

the map where you are suddenly small,

and the map where you end up shopping.

As for the secret maps, one of them takes place in a bowl of soup that will kill you as soon as you step your toe there while getting bombarded by Cyberdemons.

As for the other stuff in this WAD, you can... sigh... I can't believe that I’m saying it...You can find an Impse Easter egg on almost every map. Look people, if you want to look for these, prepare four gallons of bleach just for sure.

Also, if you have epilepsy, skip Technoseizure Mountain. It’s what you can expect from a map called like that.

Usually when you reach the hub map, after playing the secret maps you can go back and start the WAD all over from there by entering the exit dedicated to it. But if you manage to find a secret switch in Final Battle of Awesomeness (it’s near the Megasphere before taking the portal) you will unlock the real ending.

And now for the most important question in this review – how funny is It Only Gets Worse?

Uhm... I don’t know. I mean, I think it’s funnier than TurboCharged ARCADE, but at the same time, I don’t think I laughed even once while playing this WAD. Maybe it’s due to me not being interested/sharing no nostalgia towards the Internet culture before 2008/2009 since this is when my family got access to the Internet. The closest map concept that feels like it’s the funniest is Wormhole Laxatives. At least there is something positive to say there.

It Only Gets Worse is easier than TurboCharged ARCADE. Is it hard? Maybe? Is it fair? Most of the time, I guess, despite being a joke WAD.

And since this WAD is zany, we also need some new, zany enemies.

Like bigger versions of Zombieman, Imp, and Caco that have twice as much health as their regular versions. Or floating heads made in MS Paint that are tougher variants of Cacos (bigger heads) and Lost Souls (smaller heads). Or Baron of Hell called Bob Nimwich, who comes in two flavors; the regular one and the shadow monster one, and you can only hit the latter variant with hitscan weapons. There is also Sjasface... I guess it’s the floating Burger King’s head that you encounter in The King's Woods.

I ain’t gonna talk about bugs in the case of this WAD since I think that any bug you will encounter was probably placed there on purpose.

And... that’s it for It Only Gets Worse. More ambitious than Wills’ previous Mockaward winner; probably better than that. But if it is funnier than How Not to be Seen or not, I think I’ll leave that decision for you.

And since this is the only WAD from the bronze league, it won’t be surprising that it gets promoted to the Platinum Revenant section of the Revenant Awards.

As for me, time to take a day-long break from the WADs. Good thing it’s Saturday tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll finish the last magazine I have to read (for now).

See you all next time.

Bye!