#all the bad stuff that happened between us?

[flaetsbnort]

It's a very common and very damaging mistake to think that the difference between "narrativist" RPGs and "simulationist" RPGs is that only the former has a story; or that the people playing the latter don't care about story. Dungeon Gal has been fighting bravely on this front for a very long time.

The difference, in my eyes, is one of focus. When you're playing a story-centric RPG, all the mechanics exist first and foremost to tell a story. And, in order to make this story-creation process simpler and easier and natural, it uses building blocks from well-worn genre clichés to achieve that. So story-centric RPGs aren't more likely to create a story, because we always create stories from stuff that happens to us, and even more so from play; they're not even more likely to create better stories. Rather, it's just easier to create stories, and to make sure that these stories follow a desired theme and vibe.

I really like that one way to categorize RPGs that calls this axis as simulationist X emulationist. I know that the "simulationist" term comes with bad baggage from the GNS days, but I think it's a useful descriptor for systems that care more about the physical properties of objects (how strong is your punch? how dextrous is your lockpicking? how much power does your spell call forth?). But I think using the term "emulationist" for narrative or story-centric RPGs is a good way to stress that the main difference about them is that they have tools to create a story along a pre-defined thematic axis, that is, their mechanics exist to emulate a kind of existing media; it's not that they have tools to create a story at all.

One example I can think of about this difference is character death. Most simulationist RPGs don't care about it much. It's entirely possible to create a character then die in two unlucky hits fighting a giant rat in the sewers. Conversely, in most emulationist RPGs, character death is difficult to come by. Apocalypse World is known to be a particularly cruel RPG, but look at its mechanics. It outright says that most (unarmored) NPCs die after taking 4 or 5 harm, but PC's harm clock has eight segments. Sure, a PC that takes 5 harm is actively dying - but an NPC in the same situation is dead and gone. And even if a PC is dying, there are four scars you can take to keep them in the game for longer. Players can of course accept their character's death earlier, but they don't have to.

Why does this happen? That's because, in most stories, you wouldn't kill a main character (and all player characters are main characters) in the first combat unless you were going for some sort of subversion, so there are many tools to make sure that bad rolls only change the direction of the story and to make sure that every player character gets to have at least some semblance of an arc. Simulationist RPGs don't care because they know that a pompous knight that shows up talking big about their quests and then dying to a sewer rat is hilarious and makes for a great story. And it's not that emulationist RPGs don't see it - it's that they don't want a story that doesn't fit the vibe their going for.

The best metaphor for me is an offroad car. If you care a lot about driving offroad, you'll get an offroad car, and it'll do the best job at it. But you buy a car that's not specially made for offroad, that doesn't mean you'll never be able to drive it out of the asphalt. It just means you'll have a bit of a harder time to do it. But you'll eventually get to the same destination just the same.

What are some examples of mechanics in games that advance the story?

I mean very few mechanics in TTRPGs don't advance the story. So, to provide few examples:

Attack and damage rolls (advance the plotline of "how this guy got fucking killed")

Skill checks (advance the plotline of "how that one asshole did a thing and succeeded/failed"

Gaining experience/other character advancement currency (advance the plotline of "how the character learned from their experiences and learned to shoot lighting")

Random encounter checks (advance the plotline of "look at all this fucking bullshit these idiots ran into while traveling from point A to point B")

Note: I've specifically chosen D&D centric examples because while D&D is the furthest thing from whatever the fuck "narrativist" is supposed to mean, simply by virtue of being a tabletop RPG the creation of an emergent narrative is an inevitable consequence, so if you're wont to look at TTRPGs in terms of "stories" technically all those things do advance the story.

[reallife6anoufriev6boy6]

can you make angst artkita hcs pls i NEED to see them suffer

angst artkita headcanons!

whoa! come down there anon…make angst artkita headcanons?

but of course…

tw for self harm and eating disorders

artyom definitely makes nikita cry on purpose. theres nothing more that he wants in the world then to see that boy cry and sob because of him.

artyom ignores nikita a lot. its rare that he answers his calls or messages and even when hes over hed probably ignore him. hed be sitting off to the side like a puppy waiting for a treat itll never get.

artyom has somehow gotten nikita to take nudes of himself for him. its more of just a tactic and thing to hold over him when he does something wrong - i also think artyom talks shit about nikita to his friends and shows off his nudes for shits and giggles.

if nikita ever found out he would have a panic attack and probably hurt himself really bad, but hed end up calling artyom over anyway, begging for his help because its too much for him to deal with on his own. hed forgive him immediately as soon as he gives him some half assed attention to his cuts.

artyom comments on nikitas weight and body all the time - poking his sides and talking about how he needs to lay off. it makes nikita feel terrible because he just wants artyom to think hes pretty (he never will either way) so he does just that, but it doesnt really work which further upsets him.

if artyom ever wanted to drug nikita he wouldnt even have to bother doing it himself. he just has to wait until nikita gets himself fucked up and then he can do whatever he wants to him.

artyom tries to make nikita throw up on purpose. he would probably make him lick and eat it up afterwards.

once nikita is feeling so god awful and completely beaten down then artyom will give him a little praise and comfort. hed tell him here and there that he was proud of him for doing something and that his body was looking a little better as well as other stuff - maybe even touching him a little too.

nikita definitely misses out on a lot of stuff just so he can hang around artyom. like if his mom ever planned anything for him he would just tell her off and go over to artyoms apartment instead.

nikita gets jealous really easily. any time artyom talks to a girl or something he gets upset and it becomes a whole big thing between the two of them which just leads to a lot of arguing and fighting.

nikita is typically just trailing behind artyom and following him around wherever he goes like a lost dog.

lots of physical fighting. artyom will take any opportunity he can to beat the absolute shit out of him - if he has a lot of pent up anger and stress then hes quick to let it out on nikita. nikita just takes it laying down, but will be begging and crying for him to stop - he stills lets it happen though because he wants to help artyom feel better.

nikitas always going home with new bruises and cuts. when his mom is there she’ll ask him about it but he’ll immediately cut her off and tell her its none of her business.

artyom doesnt like to smoke, but he will do it just so that he can put the cigarettes out on nikita when he feels like it.

artyom definitely encourages nikitas self harm behaviors - hed even help him do it. he would show him better ways to cut himself and what not just so that more blood can be drawn and he’ll be ruined further.

sex between them is just as terrible as youd imagine. nikita would be non stop begging and sobbing - wanting artyom to be gentle and not so mean with what hes doing, but artyom is just focused on getting done and using nikita as a human fleshlight basically. he never cares for anything thats sweet or romantic while the other just wants everything to take time and be as intimate as possible.

artyom specifically likes to cum on nikitas face and nikita has an oral fixation so it all works out super well. he makes him eat all the cum afterwards too while he laughs at him for how dumb he looks.

whenever theyre out killing people artyom will make nikita do a lot of the work and will call him a pussy if he doesnt want to do it. then he’ll proceed to laugh at him because of how hesitant and careful hes being.

[sturn5iolo]

BECOMING THIS

synopsis: you and matt broke up and now your slowly losing yourself, and becoming someone you hate.

pairing: ex! matt sturniolo x f!reader

warnings: angst (not really) , drinking / drugs , use of y/n (i’m sorry)

you grab another plastic red cup, filing it with random alcohol siting on the counters not even daring to look at what they are. taking the mixed concoction, chugging the whole thing in seconds. you feel the burn go down your throat as you stumble forward onto the cold counter of a strangers house. 

a few hours before, your friends had to beg you to come to this party. of course when they asked you were high off your mind and you agreed.

you feel your friend ava come up behind you, “hey do you wanna come sit with me, you don’t look too good..” she spoke in your ear.

“noooo im fine let me do what i want.” you slurred out to her, pouring yourself another drink. ava walked away not wanting to budge anymore.

you move your body to a couch nearby. a brunette boy sat on the farthest side of the couch, you sit down a few inches away from him. he had a joint in between his lips and a lighter in one of his hands, you watch him from the corner of your eye.

he takes one long drag before pulling it away from his lips, suddenly as he blows the smoke out he turns and faces you, “you wanna hit?” he asks. you scoot closer to him while slurring out a “okay..”

the unknown boy moves the joint from his lips to yours, watching closely as you inhale the smoke. after a few long hits and passing the joint back and forth, you start coughing, feeling the alcohol and weed start to mix together and make you cross faded.

while sitting with the boy, your other friend gia comes running towards you and grabbed your arm, “there you are! i was looking all over for you,” she yells out loud to you over the music, pulling you away.

as you get pulled around someone bumps into you, making you stumble backwards a bit. it was matt.

“oh my bad i didn-” he starts but cuts himself off as he looks at your face. “y/n.”

your lips form a straight line as you nod. matt takes in your bloodshot eyes and immediately understands what is up, “are you fucking high right now?”

you scoff at him and giggle, “none of your business.” you say walking outside but matt follows you, “uhm actually yes it is.” he defends.

feeling the cold air hit your body was a relief, “how matt we broke up like two months ago?” you question, still having the weed and alcohol in your system barely processing this conversation.

“because y/n, you always hated stuff like that! you would try convincing people not to drink or smoke and here you are!” matt says to you. he knows exactly why your doing all this, and it’s because of him. he’s the one who broke your heart.

“i don’t understand the problem matt.” you bluntly replied. “the problem is this! you becoming this! i know we’re broken up but i can’t live knowing this is happening.” he cried out to you.

you run your hands through your frizzy hair, “well that’s too bad matt. your going to have to.” you smile, walking off into the darkness with just your phone in hand.

a/n : this is so horrible but i’m posting it anyways erm first fic on this account 🥲👏

[gayferrari]

okay i am coming to you as carlos fan who loves charles to my core (he is my soul sister!!!) but only ever roots for him for ferrari reasons, trying to see this from charles fans pov how is anything that happened tonight carlos’s fault and not just ferrari’s fault… like i try to be critical and i love to shit on carlos when he is stupid (bc he is stupid a lot) (for example spain24 i fear i am not on his side there) but ferrari fucked carlos over so bad today with his pit stop like i truly believe the thing that happened with charles was more of a fuck you to ferrari and not anything to do with charles at all so like i get why charles fans are upset but… i don’t know again would like to hear your thoughts on tonight

DISCLAIMER VIEWS MY OWN (as in. I don't speak for all Charles fans and probably not even a majority of them about this. and I enjoy it when athletes are petty and angry and grudgy and let out their ugly sides)

my first takeaway is that it's truly not that deep. Like, yeah, it's race day emotions are running high but so are the emotions of the guys in those cars. they're gonna get out of the car, calm down, shower, go on with their lives, and not think half as hard about this stuff as fans do, and some fans will remain upset for far longer than their blorbos will ever remember this. I think it is good to keep in mind before getting worked up

what happened: [regardless of garage 55 brainfart moment] Charles was ahead before the pit stops. At the pit exit, Bryan told Charles that Carlos had been told not to fight him and he should just focus on tyre temp instead of defending; Carlos went ahead and overtook him anyway. (That's when Charles said "Next time tell him in Spanish") Later, when Max was right behind Carlos and Charles was trying to overtake Max, Carlos was really slow. Like, there's speculation on reddit that he was feeding Max DRS <- not saying it happened (WE will never know) BUT he was slow enough that other people went "Wait this is weird," and his frustrated teammate would have noticed. If EYE was fighting for the wcc and I even suspected my teammate put someone else between the two of us (costing the team points) to protect his individual race, I would also go off about it. Regardless of whether it's true. Again! Not saying this is what happened and we will never know, but earlier in the race Carlos was definitely told not to overtake, and did it, and between the two of them he's the one with a history of ignoring team orders.

EYE (tumblr user gayferrari) have my own opinions. nuance button. I don't think you should get a gold star for being a "good teammate" or that following team orders is always the right thing. But CHARLES clearly values it, and in the past he's actually put his money where his mouth is and pulled his weight even when it cost him individual points, and I can understand he'd go on a heated tirade for 4 seconds when he's high on adrenaline. I don't think any of this should be a big tell about Charles's personality, team dynamics, his relationship with Carlos or whatever. I think he just spoke without a filter for a couple seconds, and I believe in taking these kinds of radio moments with a big pinch of salt. I'm gonna RPFy the shit out of this because I am on f1blr to have fun not to get angry. But I don't agree Charles was mad at the team, it was a very much "other side of the garage" kinda moment.

(*) note also that Carlos was told to swap with Charles earlier and DID do that, but after a few laps / because he was struggling with pace + very early on, when Charles dropped P2 -> P4, he was the one who spontaneously brought up letting Carlos pass because he knew he was struggling. So they both had moments where they were collaborating this race. I'm bringing this up for completion's sake, like, yeah Carlos swapped when asked even if late! But he also overtook when told not to

I hope this clears it up! Again, it's MY view that it's not that serious because we all choose how to enjoy sports and I'd much rather get angry about other things I feel matter more, and leave the petty drama as RPF fodder. But everyone enjoys sports differently so I can't speak for others

[oodlyenough]

continuing my arcane s2 ted talks i guess, i've been trying to decipher how i feel about the medardas' plotline in s2 and i never really land anywhere but a sort of disgruntled marge simpson groan.

i think anyone who paid any attention at the end of s1 or spent even ten seconds theorizing probably knew mel was a mage and her shield magic would protect some or all of the council. i was surprised this reveal didn't happen right away, and i liked that initially we see an overhead shot showing her totally-undamaged bubble around her seat. i could roll with jayce wondering why he survived and mel sort of shrugging it off. the black rose stuff in act 1 i also found intriuging and the action scene with amara was cool. i was excited that kino would be more relevant

but then act 2 ... it felt like we put mel in the torture labyrinth only to draw two conclusions, the first being that she's a mage (no duh; we could've revealed it in the first episode) and the second being that she's a bastard child from a secret love affair her mom had. and then we uh. didn't really explore that second part at all. we learn, sort of, that her mom has some beef with the black rose; if you don't play League you have no idea who or what they are; they claim Ambessa let Kino die and only wants Mel as a weapon; when confronted Ambessa only half-answers and seems to disdain mages; Ambessa ends up fighting Mel, gets killed by Mel's double bluff, and then Mel takes over the Medarda clan for... some reason (does she want to? does she HAVE to?)

mostly it ends up feeling like a backdoor pilot for a future noxus spinoff. and a future noxus spinoff starring mel isn't a bad idea; it's just that it feels like a lot of screentime in an already-frantic final season for arcane was then spent on a plotline that doesn't really resolve.

also in season one i thought mel and ambessa's relationship was very interesting and i looked forward to more of it. i thought the idea of ambessa sending mel away because mel's big puppy eyes made her feel guilty for doing what she felt she had to do, and mel feeling that as a rejection/banishment/lack of love fit nicely into the general themes of s1. i... just don't really know how the secret mel magic that ambessa hates and/or covets (unclear) adds to that rather than weakening it. their two conflicting worldviews alone set them up nicely to butt heads in season 2, especially with caitlyn potentially stuck in the middle, torn between both of their guidances and philosophies. instead it's like mel mostly inhabited a different show for most of her screentime.

i'm also not super convinced ambessa was written with the same level of sympathy characters like silco got in season 1. it certainly seems to me she gets less of that from fandom, anyway, who treat her like a uniquely evil character even for a major antagonist. it's hard for us to understand her motives when we don't really know what they ARE, the origin of her black rose feud, who tf the rose are to begin with, the true circumstances around kino's death and mel's banishment, etc... if this is all the unofficial pilot for a Noxus spinoff it might as well have just waited until then and let us use this screentime to expand on the other things in s2 that needed to be expanded/wrapped up in their final season.

[hyog-blog]

Fangs of Fortune (ep. 06 - ep. 07)

Uh, not Li Lun, out of all people, making everyone finally question why Zhu Yan actually killed Yichen's brother and all those people years ago. We know he lost control over his malicious energy, but why didn't anyone ask him why it happened? Come on, people, you seem to be so smart))

Well, Wen Xiao seems to be accepting enough to not care about what our gorgeous Demon Lord has done in the past, which is quite refreshing. Ambiguous, morally grey characters need more unconditional love (especially when they're, uh, 34,000 years old? XD). But he doesn't even seem to be so 'grey' at this point - he's doing too many good things right now.

The whole thing with being a 'vessel for malicious energy' is quite intriguing. Was he born like that? Can he actually stop 'the cycle of rebirth'? Why did he 'lose control' after so many years of cultivation? I'm also trying to figure out the timeline - the killings must have happened after he dropped Wen Xiao off at what seemed to be the gates to the demon-hunting bureau. But she wasn't staying there when that stuff happened? Did his demonic self come back there just to wreak havoc or for some other reason? Was Li Lun involved? Mmmm, the plot is deliciously mysterious, I will have to wait to get those answers.

Also, I can't even be angry with Li Lun at this point, although he's playing the bad guy now - the poor baby was so visibly hurt when Zhu Yan called him a scumbag. And that painful look he had when our Demon Lord thought something along the lines 'screw you, I know how to wake this boy up from his nightmare' and pierced himself with Yichen's sword (which, uh, seems to be quite a recurring motif and the symbolism of it isn't escaping me, nope XD). In the world of jianghu, the next best thing you can do to show you CARE apart from cutting sleeves is to stab (or get stabbed by) the person you care about. Or get stabbed FOR the person you care about.

I also love how effortlessly Yichen is third-wheeling without creating a feeling that he's actually third-wheeling XD Wen Xiao is obviously biased towards Zhu Yan, now even more so that she knows he IS that Great Demon who accompanied her and the Bai Ze Goddess all those years ago. I would totally trust him, too, if I were her. I also love the messed-up dynamic of a former caretaker/child who's grown up because now Zhu Yan definitely doesn't give us those parental vibes, he's oozing sensuality wherever he goes (and him pretending to be all hurt so she stays with him, ahah, that whole sequence was cute and hilarious). And Zhu Yan saying something along the lines that they now get to 'meet all over again' - was it to build a new relationship with her from scratch? M-hmm, yummy, utterly delicious :D

And you can see how Yichen kinda sorta admits defeat in the way Wen Xiao no longer needs his protection against the 'big bad demon' (the man is using his big bad demonic energy to push her swing, for Christ's sake XD), but still can't let the other man go so easily because of REASONS and that 'you'll have to pay for your sins either way' thing still going on between them. Zhu Yan does know what buttons to push when it comes to Yichen, but the feeling seems to be quite mutual (they're cute together and their interactions are so yummy 😍). That scene at the temple is EVERYTHING. And then at Zhu Yan's mansion with the swing. Is he swinging both ways? Ahah XD For a 34,000-year-old being I don't see how that could be an issue)))

Okay, cutting and piercing still seem to be the show's love language and I APPROVE (never had a kink like that, but there's a first thing for everything, I guess XD). The undertones just make it all so yum))

The introduction of the new character, Yinglei, was hilarious))) We also find out that the Wilderness is crumbling down, which makes the whole Bai Ze token thing even more important.

/and I've finally reached the picture limit in one tumblr post, ahah XD/

[lillaydee]

The Arrangement Part 9

Frontier! Joel Miller / Reader

Your life crumbled to nothing during a migration to Jackson, forcing you to agree to an arrangement just to survive.

NOTE: Possible inaccuracies in baby developments, food intake and inheritance or ownership laws coming. I really know nothing, but I needed to put some stuff in for the sake of the story line, so please forgive me and take everything in the spirit of storytelling yeah?

WARNINGS: Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel Bonding (The Last of Us), Good Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Soft Joel (The Last of Us), Joel is Bad at Feelings (The Last of Us), Joel Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), Hurt Joel (The Last of Us), Joel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (The Last of Us), Jealousy, Mutual Pining, Fluff and Angst, Frontier Joel, Alternate Universe - No Cordyceps Outbreak (The Last of Us), Virgin Joel, Virgin Reader, Minor Character Death, Period-typical Misogyny, Marriage of Convenience

I think i need to preface this chapter by saying I'M SORRY. PLEASE DON'T HATE ME.

SERIES MASTERLIST

Part 8

You didn’t know how long you stood there. You heard him come out of his room, and heard splashes of water, probably cleaning himself. And then, there was silence, and after a few moments, some quiet sobs and sniffles.

Was he… crying?

What was going on?

You heard his footsteps heading towards your room. You pressed your body tight against the door, worried that he might try to open the door. You were not scared of him, exactly. You knew he didn’t mean to hurt you, that he didn’t mean for things to go the way it did, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to face him at that moment. You could feel him press himself against your door, whispering your name, his sniffs evident, his breathing heavy.

He stood there a while, but eventually he went into his room and shut the door. You waited a long time, not daring to go out in case he came out. What would you say to him? How could you look him in the eyes again?

Eventually, you went out, washcloth in hand. You could hear his bed creak slightly, as if he sat up to listen to you. You wet the washcloth, wiping yourself. An involuntary hiss came out your mouth from the sting, the light-coloured washcloth evident with blood, even in the low light. You knew that would happen, of course. Your friends, the ladies you lived with, alluded to it sometimes.

Of all the stories you had heard over the years, you gathered that women would belong in one of three categories when it came to intimacy with their husbands.

There were those who gushed about the experience. How life changing it was. How they could not imagine living without it. How it brought them closer as a couple. How much the experience made their lives so much better. How mind blowing. How they never knew ecstasy before then. How in love they were with their husbands.

There were also those who seemed nonchalant about it all. How their lives were unchanged by it. How they didn’t think much of it, neither enjoying it too much nor hating it. How their relationships with their husbands were as it were. How their lives moved on with or without it. How it could sometimes be good, but not so good at other times. How sometimes they come to a finish, whatever that meant, but mostly not. How they tolerate their husbands.

And then, there were those who feared the experience. How painful it was. How they were glad they only needed to do it until they were with child. How they would be glad to live the rest of their lives without going through that again. How it made them fear their husbands. How much worse their lives had become because of it. How annoying. How they had never known pain like that before. How much they resent their husbands.

These were often the women who were glad that brothels existed.

You had always connected the difference between these three groups of women with how they felt for their husbands, when it came to intimacy. Basically, you believed that if they were in love, the intimacy would be great. Being in love, to you, meant there was a spark, a connection on a deeper level. Which, up until now, you thought you had with Joel. So, in your fantasies, you believed that since you felt so strongly for your husband, and believed that he did for you too, the intimacy would be wonderful. That you would belong in the first group.

Obviously, that was all in your head.

**********

You laid in bed, still digesting the happening in the next room. And suddenly, you came to a realization.

He did you a favour by marrying you. Because of this marriage, you now had a roof over your head. Because of this marriage, you were living a happy life in this wonderful new town, making friends, having hobbies, a family of your own. Because of this marriage, you were not back in your old town working for pennies and scraps for something to eat. Because of this marriage, you had the pleasure of his companionship, this man who you now cannot imagine life without.

Sure, he touched you. Showed affection for you. But maybe that’s just what a good husband would do. And he promised you that he would be one for you.

He had kept every single one of his promises. He had treated you well. He had given you everything you asked for. He had never forced you to do anything you didn’t want to. He had supported you in whatever you wanted to do. He had been a good husband. He provided for you, protected you, was faithful to you. You trusted him. You knew he would never deliberately hurt you.

So the intimacy was not what you had imagined it would be. Was that so bad? Surely there was more to life than that? Those ladies you had known - even those in the third category - their lives were not miserable as far as you could tell. They lived their lives, persevering, even under the shadow of bad, painful intimacy. And you knew for a fact that their husbands were nothing like Joel. He never laid a rough hand on you. He never raised his voice at you.

See? You had it better than them, at least.

This was your own fault. You expected too much.

You let yourself get lost in the situation you were in, the good that these two months had brought you made you believe this was real.

You forgot yourself. You were not the chosen bride whom his heart beat for.

He married you for the convenience of having someone to care for his daughter, for his household.

This disappointment was your own doing.

You let yourself fall in love with him.

You turned on your side, staring at Ellie’s empty crib. You heart felt as if someone was squeezing it tight. And despite all the things you told yourself, you cried yourself to sleep that night, finally accepting that this was how things would go, that this marriage will never be more than that.

Just an arrangement.

**********

You woke up early the next day. Your sleep troubled by the images of Joel marrying a faceless woman next to your grave, the soil still red, passionately kissing her, his hands all over her body. Your face was wet with your tears, the ones you shed in your sleep.

Your body was wet with sweat. You opened the window to let the cold morning spring air in, the sun just peeking its head somewhere. You sat on your bed, mulling over how you planned to go about being in his presence that day, and the day after that, and the day after that, for the rest of your life. Could you ever look him in the eyes again? You honestly could not imagine going about life without having a constant dose of those brown eyes of his.

So, you decided there and then. When this arrangement began, you told yourself that you would be the best wife you could be to him. And that’s what you were going to do. You’re going to get up and be Joel Miller’s wife. He had kept up his end of the bargain, you should too.

You hissed as you relieved yourself that morning, the pain was searing. No matter. This was fresh. You will go to the doctor if it doesn’t improve. But that might alert Liv and Diana. You must not let them know. You shouldn’t shame your husband like that. He didn’t do this on purpose.

The door to the house opened as you made your way back from the outhouse, a frantic Joel looking relieved when he saw you. His demeanour was awkward, his eyes studying the way you were walking, worry clouding his face. He asked if you were alright, his eyes looking beyond yours, as if trying to read your mind. You gave him a smile, telling him you were alright, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. You went into the kitchen and began lighting the fire, taking a bucket and filling it with water before filling the pot with it, going outside to brush your teeth and wash your face, getting some bacon from the ice box for his breakfast.

The water had started boiling when you finally realized he was still standing there in the living room, just watching you, his face unreadable.

“What’s wrong?” you asked him, placing the pan on the stove, moving to get the kettle to make his coffee.

He hesitated, before asking you if you were alright again.

“I’m fine. You should get ready. I’ll start making breakfast.”

He stood there for a good few minutes before finally moving, looking defeated.

You prepared his breakfast and Ellie’s formula, some rice flour and squashed peaches added into it, before going over to Maria’s to get her. She was happy to see you, squealing excitedly in your arms. You kissed her over and over, taking in the sleepy, milky, musky smell of her little head, realizing that you missed her.

Another reason to just persevere. You could not imagine your life without this sweet little girl.

Joel immediately took Ellie from you when you got home, showering Ellie with kisses, taking her outside to feed her, cooing and talking to her the entire time, softly laughing at her ‘replies’, clearly missing her too. Before he went to work, he stood in front of the door, looking unsure on his feet, telling you he’s going, so you brought Ellie to him for him to say goodbye. After giving her so many kisses, he hesitated a bit before bending down to give you a chaste kiss on the cheek, put his hat on and left.

You told yourself that this didn’t mean anything. Of course it would be awkward. The two of you took a step into a new level of intimacy last night. It’s to be expected.

Right?

**********

Things were like that for about three days. He hardly spoke to you, and you to him. The two of you merely existed and danced around each other. You still sent him his drinks and snacks, kept him company when he was working, read to him at night. But it was with an air of unease that suffocated you both. He kept his distance from you, only kissing you on the cheek when saying hello or goodbye, and immediately took a step back when done. He hardly looked you in the eye anymore, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that he was watching you whenever you were not looking.

There were no sitting on the bench looking at the view with your arms around each other. He didn’t hold your hands when you went on your evening walks with Ellie together. Every bit of conversation revolved around Ellie, to her, about her. It was as if your relationship had taken a step back, and you felt horrible for it.

By the fourth day, you were no longer in pain when you relieved yourself. Everything went back to normal. But he was still keeping his distance from you. You decided to take matters into your own hands and gave him a quick kiss on his lips before he left for work that morning, making him flinch, keeping his body away from you. But it was an improvement over the last few days, so you didn’t say anything.

That evening, when the three of you were preparing to leave for your walk, you made the effort to place your arm in the crook of his as he held Ellie. He didn’t protest, although the smile he gave you was a bit hesitant. But your arm did remain there for the rest of the walk, and that evening, after Ellie was down, the two of you did sit together to look at the view, albeit not touching.

It took a few more days of that before the awkwardness became unnoticeable. But there was no more hugging, no more passionate kissing on the lips. Your conversations went back to normal, the two of you were laughing again, joking with each other, but his head had remained on his pillow during the reading sessions, and lip kisses remained chaste.

You and the ladies were talking one day, when the dreaded subject alluding to intimacy was brought up. Liv was talking about her excitement to move into her house, just a week or so from completion now. Diana made a comment about how relieving it would be to not to have to worry about boxes and wooden trunks falling on them when they were in the throes of intimacy with their husbands in the wagon.

Oh, the wagon rocking suspiciously and everyone would know what you were doing! Liv added, and everyone laughed, nodding their heads enthusiastically. Even you played along, not wanting any awkward questions to be asked your way. Maria chimed in with something along the lines of maybe settling for being a bit boring and just lying there quietly for a while, and maybe not be too enthusiastic, and Liv said something about not being a boring wife in the bedroom.

They were all laughing until they were bent double. You laughed along, as if it was the funniest thing you had ever heard, but that night, you laid awake to a horrible realization.

What if you were just horrible in bed? Was that why Joel no longer initiated anything with you?

Oh God. No.

**********

That thought didn’t leave your head for days. When you think of the way he couldn’t get enough of touching you before, it made you think that having you that one time turned him off. Did he not like it? Sure, it wasn’t good for you, but surely it would have been good for him, nonetheless? He did… finish, if you were correct in that assumption.  

So why did he not want to touch you? Was he… disgusted by you?

You were so worried by this change, your body had become attuned to any movements from him, any pauses, even any sounds that came from his room. You were awoken one night by the sound of him leaving the house. He was careful about it, his steps careful, his movements light, making sure the door didn’t creak too much. You brushed it off that night, maybe he was just using the outhouse?

But then it happened again the next night, and the night after that.

The fourth night was a rainy one. So you placed a chamber pot in his room, not wanting him to run out in the rain. Even in full spring, Jackson was a cold place at night. The last thing you wanted was for him to get sick. But even amidst the pitter patter of the rainfall, you could hear him leave the house.

Worried, you went out of your room and peeked through the window. You saw him move towards the other side of the house, opposite to the outhouse. You heard him outside, through the wall, behind the house, near the kitchen window. He had stopped walking. What was he doing? You went to the kitchen window, careful not to let him notice you, and peeked through the gap in the curtain.

He was standing next to the laundry table he had built for you, parts of him hidden from view by the table and the barrel he had placed there. His back was to you. His hand was moving furiously in his trousers, his head up to the clouds. You could hear his heavy breathing, even with the rain.

It didn’t take you long to realize what he was doing.

You were frozen. You took your eyes off him, you thought, but you still saw him. You saw his body stiffen and bent over, holding his trousers down for a bit, before rinsing his hands in the rain and tying his trousers back up, settling his breathing, his hands laid on the laundry table while he caught his breath. You were too shocked to move fast enough back to your room, and he entered the house just as you got to your door.

He looked flushed, shocked, like a thief caught red handed.

“What are you doing up?” he asked you.

“Just thirsty,” you honestly shocked yourself at how easy that lie came out of your mouth. “Where did you go?”

“Outhouse.”

“Oh, I put the chamber pot in your room,” you can’t help but notice how flustered he got, how much he didn’t want to be there being questioned by you.

“You did? I didn’t notice.”

You wanted to comment on the lack of water he had on his person despite his claim of walking to and back from the outhouse, but you just told him to dry himself before going back to bed. You closed the door behind you and laid in bed, watching Ellie sleep.

He didn’t want you anymore. He would rather leave the house in the pouring rain to relieve his needs with his own hand than be with you.

You cried yourself to sleep again that night.

**********

That Saturday, he told you he had a job to do in town, asking you if you would like to come with him. You needed groceries, so you nodded and got ready to go, Ellie strapped to your chest since he would be working. You spent the entire journey to town in silence, you even sat far enough from him to for another person to sit in between.

It was as if you gave up. You felt defeated. You shouldn’t have asked him to take you that night. All this could have been avoided if only you had just kept your naughty thoughts to yourself. Before that night, you had a man who cared a lot about you. Now, he was but a husband who lived with you.

After you saw him that night, you distanced yourself emotionally and physically from him. You remained the devoted wife on the surface, keeping him company, cooking and cleaning for him, reading to him, going on walks with him. You were never rude or angry, you remained the gentle person that you were with him. But you didn’t touch him, just as he didn’t touch you. You didn’t talk to him unless necessary, nor him to you. His nightly habits remained, you still heard him leaving at night. Coming back after a while and snoring not long after. Good for him, getting the release he needed.

You knew it was petty. You knew you shouldn’t do it. But you found your heart hurting every time he kissed you on the cheek, or even touched you, remembering the kisses and touches he used to give you before that fateful night. Before he drew back ten steps. Before everything became awkward. So you withdrew, no more touching, no more kisses hello and goodbye. If you didn’t have it any longer, eventually, you wouldn’t miss it, right?

The first time you didn’t kiss him goodbye, he lingered, waiting for you to do so. When he stepped forward to do it instead, you used Ellie’s fussing as an excuse to take her inside for a nappy change. The second day, he moved to kiss you first, but you turned and busied yourself clearing the table. He stopped trying on day three.

You didn’t even know if he was affected by it, if he noticed. You didn’t look him in the face anymore. You couldn’t. It hurt. What if the longing looks and yearning smiles were no longer on it? What if his warm, kind, brown eyes were now filled with emptiness for you, or, even worse, coldness? How could you live like that? And if they were still there, what if you gave in, fell deeper for him, only to feel so rejected again?

Most of all, you just felt stupid. Two months of connecting, getting to know one another, gone just like that. All because you needed intimacy.

Stupid, stupid!

You were jolted back to reality when the wagon stopped in front of the grocers. You climbed down yourself, his steps stopping as he ran around the wagon to help you when he saw you had done it yourself. He placed his hand in his pocket and pulled out some money to hand to you, but you instead of taking it, brushing hands with him, you held your hand out, palm up for him to place the money on it. When his fingers almost brushed your palm, you jerked back, causing the money to fall to the ground, and you quickly bent down to get it, holding Ellie steady, before scrambling up to get to the grocers.

You didn’t know why you were being so petty. Truth was, you were worried that if you let him touch you again, you would turn to stone. Your heart hurt. And every time he showed you any form of gestures at all, you just felt it hurt even more, knowing that he didn’t want you anymore. You had to find a way to live with that. And so far, this pettiness, it’s making the hurt more bearable.

You went about the town going to different stores to place your order, setting whatever you had picked up in the wagon before moving along to another store. Just as you were getting the last of your orders, Esther came out of the tavern to sweep something into the street, her eyes looking you up and down in disgust, before looking at something behind you, sneering, and telling you that her guess was right. You were not good enough for him after all.

You turned around and saw Joel come out of the brothel, his toolbox in hand, Rose accompanying him, shaking his hand. You rolled your eyes at Esther, he was doing his job, you menace, you thought. You climbed back into the wagon, just as Joel placed his toolbox in the back before climbing into the driver’s seat. You let him coo at Ellie for a while, sitting right next to him as Esther watched smugly, letting the wagon get out of sight before moving away from him as you did before.

You nodded when he asked you if you got everything you needed. The rest of the ride home was quiet.

That night, after you read him the next chapter, you closed the book and quietly got up to go into your own room.

“Elena,” his voice came to you. You turned, eyes on the mattress rather than at him, and answered “Yes?”

He didn’t say anything, but he fidgeted a little bit, before saying goodnight. You nodded and left the room.

**********

The next morning, you went about your routine as usual. Making him his breakfast, getting Ellie ready for the day, feeding her, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, keeping yourself busy, trying hard not to think about the way things were in your marriage. Joel busied himself with the horses, doing some yard work, fetching the water, mending the wagons, before telling you that he had to go to a house near the edge of town for a job after lunch. You nodded, your hands kept busy ladling out some porridge for lunch, placing the bowl in front of him and setting yourself down with Ellie to feed her.

When he finished eating, he made to clear his bowl, but you gently took it from him and washed it yourself. He stood around watching you, fidgeting with his hat, before finally putting it on and leaving. He walked, you noticed, rather than taking the wagon. About half an hour passed before you noticed that his tool box was still at home. Maybe the house had their own tools for him to use? You had your own lunch, and put Ellie down for a nap, before settling down to begin cutting the materials for your new client’s dress.

Maria and Liv came knocking, Maria telling you she forgot that it was Tommy’s birthday the next day. Could you come with her to town? She needed to buy him something, and maybe get something from the bakers? You told her Ellie was sleeping, but Liv told you to go, she could stay with Ellie. Will was working anyway, building something for their newly completed house. So you went with Maria, the two of you walking leisurely, catching up with each other.

She got Tommy a new leather pouch for his money, his was too ratty, she said. As the two of you made your way out from the bakers on the way home, you ran into Tess, arm in arm with a man you had never met. She introduced both of you to her husband, Max. They both looked so happy. Apparently, Max had to follow the Red Cross wagon for a while before arriving in New York, before finally managing to settle and get a job to buy a land. He told you he was looking for men to build, and Tess said that the Miller men could do that? He would be willing to pay. There was no way he could build on his own, not in the time he needed to get the house done, he said.

You and Maria told him you could ask your husbands, they were about to start another build in a day or two, but you will let him know. His land was just a few lots away from the Millers, apparently, so it would be great if they could help him out. As you were talking, Tess suddenly froze. You followed her line of sight and saw him, all the way at the end of the row of stores. It was far, but you would know him anywhere.

Your husband, sans toolbox. Walking out of the brothel with Rose. His face flushed, his hand rubbing his neck, smiling shyly at her, while she gave him a kiss on his cheek, rubbing his arm up and down, a huge smile on her face.

Your body went numb. Cold. Frozen.

The good news was your heart no longer hurt.

The bad news was it had completely shattered.

Gone.

Millions of tiny sharp pieces filling the cavity of your chest.

Your legs stopped working. Tess and Maria caught you by the arms. Maria looked livid. She made to go to him, but you told her no. Just, please, you needed to get out of here, please. Max immediately helped you up onto his stripped-up wagon, Maria climbing in after you, Max telling Tess he will see her later that day.

As Max got ready to start the ride, Joel turned his head and saw you.

To say his face turned chalk white would be an understatement. He walked towards the carriage, his strides long and fast, before breaking into a small run. Tess told Max to go. Now, go.

Joel broke into a run, running after the carriage to the edge of the town, calling your name desperately, as his panicked face got blurry from the heartbroken tears filling your eyes.

Part 10

[johanna-swann]

I'm sorry, I just can't stop wondering what the hell happened to 911. It was never highbrow art, but it was genuinely entertaining and enjoyable. And people keep saying it's been going down hill since season 4, but season 8 has hit an entirely new low. They're really limbo-dancing with the devil at this point.

I mean. I wasn't a big fan of the season 5 opening disaster or the ppd arc, the season sure had its ups and downs. But they also did something interesting with Eddie for once, I am always a Taylor Kelly stan first and a 911 fan second so I enjoyed having her there, the story around Jonah was maybe a little far fetched but still fun, we had May at dispatch wihch I LOVED, Michael and David were still around and the season finale was pretty decent.

Season 6 also had a relatively strong first half. Once again not a big fan of the opening disaster, but Hen's med school storyline was still going strong at first, we got that Henren begins episode, we learned more about Athena's family and childhood (including conflict between Bathena and Beatrice), Madney was house-hunting and then we had the lightning strike and its aftermath of course. So most of the protagonists had stuff going on that we hadn't seen x times before.

After that... well. There was no reason to push Buck back into dating so soon after he had just learnt that being himself and by himself could also be enough. For Eddie it sort of made sense at this point? But it still felt like he wasn't dating because it's what he wanted, he did it because it was expected of him. Madney getting engaged was somewhat predictable though I would've also loved it if they hadn't done that. Lots of families with children and a house are happy without the parents ever getting married. And the finale in season 6 was really bad. Very underwhelming, very rushed.

But at least 6b had an excuse? The show was about to be cancelled. At the time those scripts were being written they probably didn't know yet that there'd be a season 7. And then season 7 had even more excuses why it was, well. Like that. (Network change, multiple strikes, the showrunner changed, a drastically shortened season, etc.) I can forgive a lot under those circumstances.

Season 8 though? Season 8 had it all. They had their og showrunner back and he had already had time to find his bearings. They knew about the renewal very early this time, so they had a lot of time to prepare. There were no more huge strikes. They got a full length season again. The network wasn't new anymore. Despite season 7 being a bit of a clusterfuck, they did manage to set up a few storylines to explore further in season 8. Everything was lining up perfectly!

And then they completely dropped the ball. I already went into detail post-8x06 on a different post, I didn't even watch 8x07 in full because it sounded rather boring (and police brutality heavy). Then they gave us a mid-season finale that was centered around an irrelevant comic relief side character who most people found annoying or boring. On the side we had another Athena B plot that had nothing to do with the rest of the episode and didn't influence any of the main characters in any way. Eddie announced that he might consider moving to Texas which for now doesn't mean anything, nothing else of importance happened. And that was the mid-season finale! Like. Guys. The episode wasn't horrible, but for your "great fall finale"?

And Eddie STILL hasn't put even a little bit of work into processing his trauma around Shannon's death. He was told once by a stranger that he deserves nice things and that fixed him? He's ready to confront the conflict between him and Christopher now? Yeah, sure Jan.

Maddie is attacked in her home and gets abducted by a violent and dangerous criminal who has the intention to murder her? Wonder where I've seen that before. Oh right, it was on the same show and it happened to the same character. Cool. Glad to see I won't miss anything new when I don't watch 8b next year.

It's not even funny anymore and I sure hope they have a reason for this and they haven't just lost all their braincells over the summer hiatus. But we won't know if any of the conspiracy theories about impending cancellations or main cast members leaving are correct until sometime next spring.

[sfsolstice]

exurb1a, from "Mum" in Poems for the Lost Because I'm Lost Too

[venstm]

I’ve been feeling some kinda way so now that I’m home and ready to write lemme just say.

no one really prepares you for how grieving a friendship or relationship feels and whilst I know how easy it is to fall into hurt and anger I’m just slowly realizing that as hard as making that decision for yourself is it’s not a bad thing and eventually you will be able to look back on the things that happened before everything took those turns and go there were good times and like reminisce in a way that isn’t inherently painful.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

[termagax]

re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.

[eternal-reverie]

got the posting anxiety bad tonight

[spacedkey]

the eternal struggle of reading webcomics/manga/manh(w/u)a that i think are really good but have cringe ass titles so i can't recommend them without someone doubting my sensibilities and taste in stories

[starbuck]

HATE when i’m taking a class that i KNOW would be a piece of cake for people who are fans of objective definitions with no exceptions and unexamined moral outrage…

[thetimelordbatgirl]

Young Justice stans really do not like it being pointed out on twitter that their show in the end did more time skips then character development and when they did do character development, it was in tie in stuff like comics and a video game, huh?