#all she did was in good faith and genuine concern and affection-she even stated she didn't ask to fall for anthony and despite that

[breathings-of-the-heart]

Stuck on You (Levi x Childhood Friend! Reader) Part 2

A/N: Hey guys! It’s been kinda a while but here is part 2~ I have this habit of writing and rewriting my pieces since I’m never fully satisfied by them, but overdoing that is just as bad so I’m going to leave this as is ajflkajada  The amount of love my first part recieved was so genuinely heart warming and I cannot express my gratitude enough. I’m nervous to post this because of it, to be honest, because I hope it lives up to the expectations. Thank you to everyone who has shown me support, it means so much! If you guys want a part three, or maybe just a short epilogue, I will consider it so let me know! Also if you would like to be tagged in my future works, comment below or send me a message <3 I hope you all enjoy!

Warnings: Angst, Season 1 and No Regrets ova spoilers

Word Count: 4k

If you haven’t already, read part one here

As a former member of the Scouts yourself, you knew the ins and outs of the military’s regulations. Because of this, you also knew your request was a strange one, seeing as soldiers weren’t typically allowed visitors, but you hoped your letter appealed to the more personal side of Commander Erwin. Apparently it somehow moved the man, seeing as you had been brought by carriage to the legion's base the following night.  

The clopping of horse hooves eventually stopped, and you were currently being escorted into the building by another familiar face, her hand already outstretched to help you out of the vehicle as soon as the door swung open.  

“I understand your reservations about this, but you’re brave for coming here. I think he’ll be relieved to see you, (Y/N),” Hange spoke, her fingers hovering over the small of your back as she guided you down one of the many hallways, lantern swinging in her free hand. “I think he could benefit from seeing a familiar face.”

Your eyes were downcast, staring at the floor as rooms upon rooms passed by along your path. You couldn’t speak if you tried, words seemingly stuck in your throat and unable to keep up with your racing thoughts.

Deep breaths, (Y/N).

For better or for worse, there was no need to reply, as Hange came to a halt not a second later. She squeezed your shoulder gently before bringing her knuckles to the wooden door, knocking once, twice.

Your hands were clammy, heart thundering in your ears as you tried to steady your breathing.

“Levi, someone is here to see you,” Hange’s voice rang out firmly.

There was a distinct sound of a chair being pushed back, and footsteps growing nearer. Time slowed down, and you began to second guess every decision up to now. Would Levi even want you to be here? Will he be angry? You felt like bolting away and forgetting about the whole idea, suddenly afraid of his reaction. Afraid that your presence would only make everything worse.

Your eyes were widening as you realized the possibility of leaving was too late to explore, Levi already turning the handle from the other side. So instead, you swallowed your pride, stood up straighter, and pushed away the growing sensation of nausea in your gut.

“Who could possibly be important enough to interrupt my--”


The second his eyes met yours, Levi halted in all movements. Your gaze was fixed on him as well, every bit of longing settling back in your bones the second it did.

He looked nearly the same as the last time you saw him, clean and kempt as ever, hair styled the way it always was-- the same way he’d keep it when he used to chastise you for running your fingers through it.

And those stoic, gray irises that drew you in your were fierce, yet somehow emptier. At the sight of you, his flooding emotions became too much to properly register, unlocking every moment you’d ever spent with him as they replayed all at once.

“(Y/N)?” He couldn’t hide his disbelief, eyes widening ever so slightly. 


“Hello, Levi.” 


~~~~~~~~~

Never did Levi think he would grow to care for another group of people the same way he had for you, Farlan, and Isabel. But sitting around Petra, Gunther, Eld, and Oruo, he found their excited chatter over the dinner table endearing more than anything. The ever stoic look on his face didn’t change, and he would never openly admit it, but it felt reminiscent to be surrounded by trusted company like this. All of Squad Levi had full faith in one another; it was necessary for the battle field. This created an unspoken bond between all of them that the unreachable Ackerman did not picture building with others again.

Fate worked in funny ways, he supposed.

Sounds of clinking silverware and chatter filled the mess hall, sun setting outside of its many windows and painting the expanse in an orange light. The males eyes drifted towards the entrance of the room expectantly, where a clock rested above the doorway. He took a sip of his tea whilst squinting at it, attempting to get a better read before feeling a slight jab in his side.

“Looking for someone, sir?” Petra inquired, with a hint of deeper emotion in her tone that went right over the male’s head.

He glared at her in annoyance, having almost spilled his drink as the thought of you returned to the forefront of his mind.

It was strange, seeing how capable you had become after spending those months by yourself in the Underground. They made you a bit more calloused than when Levi last saw you, carrying over to your skills as a Scout. You never used to be skilled at riding ODM gear, not even when Levi tried to teach you in your youth. Seeing you slash Titans without blinking an eye was like watching someone completely different.

But you had to learn, since you had no one to protect you.

Your open displays affection had grown fewer and farther between as your time in the Survey Corps dragged on. At first, Levi thought nothing of it. Truthfully, the Captain had hardly noticed, with how busy the both of you were. He wrote it off as stress, or the workload catching up to you. Or, maybe, it was that nagging thought in the back of his conscience he dared not dwell on: he had turned you into this, after being away for so long and then failing to protect your friends.

But as your words replayed in his mind like a broken record, too late he realized this wasn’t the case.

“I see the way you look at her. I see it because you used to look at me that way.”

“Captain?” Petra repeated, leaning forward to study his distant countenance and successfully pulling the man out of his thoughts. “She’s probably just training.”

He rested his hand on top of her head, turning it away from him and sighing.

“Eat, Petra. I don’t need you to be whining about hunger during our patrol tomorrow morning,” he chastised, forcing his eyes away from the doorway.

After that talk, Levi had watched you go, telling himself that you’d return soon enough. Yet could not shake the feeling in his gut that there was something amiss. He pushed away the pit in his stomach. You were safe, you were healthy, and that was all that mattered. Humanity’s Strongest had other things to focus on, after all, and tuned back into his comrades’ conversation. The man blended back in easily, occasionally offering a few of his own comments as the meal dragged on.

Every so often his thoughts would shift back to your conversation earlier that day, and he realized that you were wrong. As close to Petra as he had gotten, there was a stark difference between you and her:

No matter how strong you’d get, and no matter what you thought of him, Levi would always shield you from as much of this world as he could.

But it was better this way. Better if you moved on from him and easier to do if you thought it was because he wanted Petra.

If only he knew your last words to him “I’ll be back for dinner,” had been a lie.

It had been strange for him when you didn’t return. Levi tried not to think about how Kenny had done the same, instead grasping for a reason. For once, he could not read your thought process. The male had no idea why you’d voluntarily leave, after everything. He knew better than to hold onto certainty, but you’d thrown him for a loop. You were always the one to communicate, the problem solver, the one who understood him without much direction. Didn’t you know that you were irreplaceable? He should have come clean: told you that he didn’t see Petra that way, and just didn’t have the heart to admit he didn’t feel good enough for you anymore.

Did he ever even get the chance to say “I love you?”

His regret multiplied tenfold as he began to understand that maybe if he had, you would’ve stayed.

~~~~~~~~

A strange sense of comfort washed over the man as you smiled softly, small hands clasped together in front of you. He blinked, wondering if you were simply a mirage caused by his sleep deprivation. But you remained where you were, after all this time, standing at his door. For once in the man’s life, his mind was drawing a blank.

“I’ll leave you guys to it, then,” Hange stated, excusing herself and soon disappearing out of sight. 


Her statement pulled the both of you back into the present, and you were suddenly self conscious of Levi’s stare. You tucked your hair behind your ears and gestured towards his office, unable to gage his reaction to your presence.

“Would it be alright if I came in?” you asked shyly, astonished he hadn’t slammed the door in your face the second Hange left. 


To your shock, Levi simply nodded, stepping aside to let you through. Your movements were unsure and hesitant, stark in comparison to his: calm and collected as ever.

Just like any space Levi occupied, the area was clean and tidy, a lantern sitting upon his desk the only source of light against the cloudy night sky. It smelled like tea leaves, sandalwood, and disinfectant, a signature scent that made you fill with nostalgia. As the click of the door echoed behind you, the reality of your situation set in, and you turned around to face the man you were here to see.

His gaze had never left you.

“You’re hurt,” was the first thing that left your mouth, concern evident as you studied the bandaging that peaked above his knee length shoes. 


“Long story,” Levi offered curtly, eyeing you up and down from a few feet away. “One I don’t particularly care to tell you.” 


“Of course, that’s fine,” you agreed softly, a weak smile pulling at your lips.

You did your best to mask the hurt, knowing you deserved to feel it. It hurt to be here, the fear that Levi hated you previously keeping you away. Now that you were facing the music, that fear seemed more realistic than ever. Your brain wracked to change the topic before your mind could continue overthinking; desiring instead to cut the unbearable, building tension that never used to exist between you two.

“How are you, Levi?” it was a stupid question, but you no longer knew how to talk to him.

“(Y/N).”


The way he said your name was sharp and challenging. You quickly cleared your throat and looked away.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Of course you’re--”


“--Why did you leave?” Levi effectively cut you off, orbs narrowing as you dared to come closer.

The question caught you off guard. You thought you’d made it obvious with your last conversation with him those years ago. Surely, he had some idea, although his pained expression said otherwise. His fingers twitched at his sides, a movement you didn’t miss as your eyes flickered back to his in surprise. He had been so composed just a moment ago, that the sudden shift gave you whiplash.

Now his fists were clenching, as he waited in the painful silence, knuckles turning white.

“Why did you leave?” The phrase echoed tauntingly in your ears, over and over again.  

You don’t know what came over you. All you knew was that you needed to rid him of the rare, defeated look etched into his countenance. To purge him of this feeling you caused. Whether reaching out would help or hurt, you didn’t know.

But you needed to be near him.  

Levi’s eyelids screwed shut as you brushed your thumb across his cheek. The action was so simple, so delicate, so unsure and so familiar all at once, and at the feeling, the Captain’s composure finally came undone.


He reached up and gripped your wrist, as if you’d fade away if he let go. In previous years, it was always you who craved skinship, yet it seemed as if a weight had been lifted off Levi’s shoulders to have you this close. Your touch still felt like the comforting warmth of a campfire; the type that would make anyone want to stay forever.

“I’m sorry. I thought you’d be better off without me,” you whispered. “I didn’t want to cause you any pain.”

He let out a breath.

“Then why are you here now?” his question was more defeated than hostile, which you hadn’t expected.

If someone asked a few hours ago, your answer would have been much clearer. But now, the logic that brought you here seemed overshadowed by doubt. After all this time, and after everything that had happened between you and Levi, any semblance of a relationship with him seemed unsalvageable. You told yourself this mantra over and over until it stuck. So why were you here?

Levi must’ve thought it audacious, for you to run away like a coward and still think you were relevant to him.

“I owe you so much. Whether I ended up being wrong or right, I’ve always acted with your best interest,” you sighed, thumb brushing over Levi’s dark circles. “Truthfully, I don’t know if I’m any use to you now. I might be the last person you want to seek comfort from, but on the off chance that I still matter to you, I’ll always come back,” you whispered earnestly.

Levi’s grip on your wrist tightened imperceptibly, and you longed to bury your face in the crook of his neck; to feel him wrap his arms around you in his embrace once more. It seemed as if Levi was staring into your soul, his shallow breaths mingling with yours at this close proximity as he opened his eyes to fully drink you in.

“I’m here to tell you that if you need me, I’ll stay.”


He looked to the side as if brushing aside your touch, hand falling away from the raven-haired man’s face as he did so. It felt like rejection, as if he was brushing all of you away with a simple turn of his head.

Silence.

“You’re a real idiot, (Y/N),” he spoke finally, voice nearly out of place against the stillness.

Moonlight suddenly peaked through the window, showering you in a bath of silver light. Levi recognized this look. You were wearing your heart on your sleeve, offering everything you had to give; eyes wide and honest, shining with a vulnerability that even after a lifetime of knowing you, he had never seen before. The man felt conflicted at the sight, annoyance prickling under his skin as you somehow managed to hold him together and tear him apart all at once with your presence.

Losing his squad twist that knife in his heart, convincing him that he was cursed to be left by everyone and his superhuman talents only doomed him to live a life alone.

But now, here you were, standing within arms length: despite the pain you caused, still the only person he had left. Only you could draw this much emotion out of the typically monotonous man. He couldn’t tell if you were a blessing or a curse, but in the moment, all he knew was that he didn’t want you to leave again. He needed you to stay here, with him, the way it should be. Because you were family.

And true to your word, you did.

“You should really get some sleep, you know,” you stated after a while, closing the door with your foot as you entered with two fresh cups of tea. 


You watched Levi fill out paperwork on the other side of the desk, bringing the cup to his lips in the strange fashion you always teased him for. His gaze flickered up boredly.

“You know I don’t sleep. You go on ahead, though. The bed’s behind that door,” he paused, gesturing somewhere behind him. “I hardly ever use it.”  

You shook your head, reaching forward and plucking Levi’s pen from his hand.  


“What you’re drinking is caffeine free. I switched it, so you have no excuse now.” You ignored the indignant scowl growing on the Captain’s face, urging him to listen. “Please, you really should rest. You know you need to.”

It took an entire hour of imploring and convincing for the man to finally give in, him grumbling as you helped take off the boot on his injured foot and ushered him onto the bed. You knew you were the last person with any right to tell the short Captain what to do, but knowing Levi, he was running on an hour or two of sleep while his body was begging for rest. And yes, you were very much hypocritical, draped across the couch in Levi’s office, staring at the ceiling. But none of that mattered to you, as long as he was okay.

You had been lost in introspection, being a room away from your childhood best friend and first love after so long a surreal experience. It felt strange to be back here, but you were too tired to dwell on how strangely out of place you seemed in a place you once called home.

The weight of your abundant emotions from the day finally crashed down, fatigue settling in. You rubbed your eyes, and snuggled closer to the cushions, letting the darkness claim you.

And in the other room, as Levi slipped out of his uniform, shaking his head in exasperation. His last thoughts while he inspected the door as if he could see you through it, was that of course only (Y/N) (L/N) could be more stubborn than he was.

As he slipped under the covers per your command, the ghost of a smile spread across his lips at the thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perhaps it was the constant danger of where you grew up, and the need to always stay on your toes, but for as long as you could remember, you’d been a light sleeper. If someone so much as stared at you for too long, your body would jolt awake, ready to take action within a moment’s notice. There had been many instances where this came in handy in your past; even after years of seldom disruption in your now boring life within the walls, this was a trait you never seemed to grow out of. So it wasn’t hard to notice the heavy breathing and panicked movement from behind Levi’s closed door.

Just like for you, some things never changed-- when it came to old habits, you knew the man like the back of your hand. The reason he rarely ever slept was one you were quite familiar with. One both of you struggled with, and probably always would. Nightmares never seem to stop. You’d gotten through so many of your own rough nights with your friends by your side.

Levi, however, always refused to admit how they affected him. Insisted on going through it by himself.  

The subconscious urge to look after one other was most likely one you'd never grow out of, even if Levi had. You didn’t think twice before making your way across the office, swinging your legs across the sofa, awake within seconds. Without missing a beat, you stood up and made your way to Levi’s personal sleeping quarters, knuckles rapping against the frame twice. Levi’s shallow gasps quieted, and when you realized he didn’t plan on opening the door, you steeled your nerves to do it yourself. This was what you were here for, wasn’t it? To offer some comfort?

He did want me to stay.

“Levi?” You called into the darkness gently, feet padding foreword as your eyes adjusted to the lack of light.

His silhouette was upright in the bed, no doubt staring at you menacingly.

“I'm fine, (Y/N). Go back to sleep,” he snapped.

That didn't deter you, for he would never openly admit vulnerability. This was by no means new behavior. Besides, the strong emotion behind the Captain’s voice was an easy tell that betrayed his words. You pressed on, sitting on the edge of the mattress.

“Do you remember the time we were teenageers and you got sick, but couldn’t afford medicine so I took that sketchy job you specifically told me not to?” Your back was to him, yet you could feel Levi peering at you.

“Obviously,” he humoured you with a reply, knowing you weren’t going to leave. “You came home half alive and I felt like the most useless piece of shit in the world.”

You chuckled, fingers fiddling with the white sheets beneath them.

“Yes, which was unfair to yourself but also something I did not realize since you called me pretty much every name in the book,” you smiled, the memory oddly fond despite its events. “You were so angry, but I was also scared out of my mind... which was more important than your anger, I suppose. So you let me lay next to you that night. That was all it took to make me feel safe again.”

There was a long pause, you trying to get your words together in a way that could allow Levi to understand how you felt right now.

“I know what you’re thinking; what you’ve been thinking your whole life. You haven’t failed anyone and that stupid idea should be the furthest thing on your mind. Take it from someone who knows, alright? So many lives have had meaning because of y--”

His hand closed around your wrist, the grip much like it was the day you left him.

This time, he would not let go.

“--Stop, (Y/N). Don’t.”

You hadn’t realized there were tears falling down your cheeks until Levi turned your face to look at him. Trying to look away in your embarrassment, you laughed bitterly. His grip did not budge as he examined you sternly.  

“Just be quiet and go to sleep, alright?”

You wiped at your face, determination etched into every fibre of your being.

“Mark my words, Levi, I will make you believe me.”

Levi rolled his eyes but tugged at you once more, opening the duvet in an invitation. When he sensed your uncertainty he simply nodded, arms winding around your waist as you finally crawled in beside him. Both of you knew that there was so much that still needed to be said; so many buried feelings and pain that would only take time to unravel. It felt like a miracle to find yourselves in this situation, pushing aside the thousands of emotions and questions and misunderstandings the two of you had, if only to stay together in this moment.

You didn’t need Levi to know that you still loved him; not while he was coping with another loss. It would be selfish to spring that on, and that was not what you were here for. But you had to tell him:

“I missed you.”

Levi hummed, nose brushing against yours in the close proximity.  

“You better not be gone when I wake up,” he chided in response, orbs fluttering shut.

Your fingers threaded through his onyx black locks, brushing through the knots soothingly. Knowing you’d help this man heal no matter how long it took, you took comfort in the realization that he’d finally let you do just that.  

“I’ll be right here. You’re not alone, Levi. I promise you never will be.”

He pulled you closer, thankful that there was at least one source of warmth left in his life that he could hold onto-- especially after coming to terms with and almost having been certain he’d never experience this feeling of contentment, again. But here you were to prove him wrong, a living slice of home in his arms.

It may have been wishful thinking, but you could have sworn you felt Levi’s breath fan across your hairline, a soft voice whispering “Thank you, (Y/N).” before you felt yourself slip away into slumber once more.

taglist: @asterroidd @chucky-26o1 @silversxble @belovedwindermere @christina-mj-stan @leviackerrman @cravrat @thekohakuriver1 @batakprincess @sunisenpai

[starry-sky-stuff]

Sorting the Six of Crows Duology

Brief overview of @sortinghatchats system, there are Primaries, the why, and Secondaries, the how.

Spoiler warning for the Six of Crows Duology.

Cut for length.

Kaz Brekker is a complicated sorting. He’s constantly putting on a performance and projecting a certain version of himself to others, that he sometimes seems to fall for this himself. Even though he’s the planner of the group, I think he’s actually a Snake Secondary. He likes dressing up and pretending to be someone else too much and his plans usually involve him manipulating someone. In the beginning of Crooked Kingdom, we see him so easily put on a different persona that Cornelius Smeet doesn’t realise this is the exact same man who dealt him cards only a few hours earlier. There is definitely a very efficient Bird Secondary Model. Kaz makes plans, he has back-ups and tools hidden away. The uniforms he uses that are actually theatre costumes, and even Wylan himself is an ace up Kaz’s sleeve. But ultimately, he’s a Snake Secondary who has no problem adjusting his plan when it fails, where a Bird Secondary would struggle more. Kaz spends most of his time in his neutral state, which he almost uses as a weapon. He maybe even has a neutral state model on top of his Snake Secondary. Kaz is constantly acting like he doesn’t care because that’s what he wants everyone to believe.

Part of Kaz’s secondary bleeds into his primary in that he wants you to believe he’s a completely burned Snake Primary. He wants to believe he’s a completely burned Snake Primary that cares for no one but himself. He’s definitely a Loyalist. He treats Inej’s idealism with too much cynicism to be an Idealist. Over the series he unburns as he begins to admit he cares for the other crows. The question is this a Snake Primary opening up his circle or a Badger Primary getting attached to a group. I’m leaning towards Snake Primary. He isn’t affected enough by the dissolution of the crew at the end of the series to be a Badger. And so many of his ploys are reliant on people being attached to others and love that I think he’s a Snake Primary who expects other people to have attachments. His genuine surprise at Jan van Eck’s treatment of Wylan, and his using Pekka Rollins son to threaten him all point to a Snake Primary mindset. So he’s a Burned Snake Primary who also puts on a performance of a Burned Snake Primary.

Jesper Fahey, who never makes a plan and loves when bullets start flying because in danger is when he works best, is definitely an improvisational secondary. Charming and quick-witted, he has a Snake Secondary Model, maybe even only performance because it really falls down when compared to Kaz’s actual Snake Secondary. Jesper’s someone who just wants to shoot his way out of everything. He could not be more Lion Secondary. He also has a complicated relationship with his Snake Secondary Model, which I think he developed because of his father pressuring him to hide his Grisha abilities. So, for most of the story his Lion Secondary, which wants to be himself, is in conflict with his Snake Secondary Model.

Jesper’s primary is harder for me to decipher. If he’s an Idealist, he isn’t one who ever expresses a moral quandary with what the crows do over the series, unlike some of the other characters. But if he’s a Loyalist, he didn’t feel bad about lying to his father and pretending to be studying at university. Although he did feel guilty about his betrayal leading to Inej almost getting killed, not to the degree I would expect of a Snake Primary. I would have to say I think he’s an immature Lion Primary, who doesn’t really care about anything but his own needs at the start and then grows into being more mature.

Inej Ghafa’s been through absolute hell and still kept her faith both in religion and in humanity. She didn’t hang onto it through human connections or communities, and she doesn’t seem to have any strong attachments to individuals or to the group of the Crows. That makes her an Idealist. I’m inclined to say she’s a Bird Primary. Her morality just seems very chosen to me. Inej chooses to keep hold of her faith and to believe in things bigger than herself. Her flashbacks often include teachings she adopted from her past that she’s adapted to her current circumstances. Killing for example. She needs to rationalise it out and justify it in a way I don’t think a Lion Primary would find as necessary.

Inej is the Wraith. She’s the spy, the one who gathers information. If this were Kaz’s role, he’d probably dress up and pretend to be someone else to get close to his target. But Inej waits in the shadows, using the skills she learnt from her childhood. This could be a Badger Secondary relying on hard work, but her knives strike me as a Bird’s tools.

Wylan van Eck, the merchling rejected by his father and forced to fend for himself in the Barrel, is not a Loyalist. A Snake or Badger Primary would have been harder hit by his father casting him out from the only life he’s ever known. That would’ve been a betrayal they would’ve have struggled to get over. Wylan does struggle, but he’s far more willing to stand on his own. He doesn’t try to find a people or a community, and gets pulled into the crows not on his own accord. With nothing to indicate a system, I’m going to go with Lion Secondary, one that progresses over the series. Wylan starts off with very strong morals and ideas of what’s right and wrong, which changes as he faces the reality of the Barrel and he becomes less idealistic. Yet, he never restructures his beliefs in the way a Bird Primary would. He’s got a particularly strong Lion Primary too, strong enough to stand up to Kaz multiple times, and one I think Jesper admires.

For his secondary, I’m torn between Bird or Snake Secondary. He’s the demo man and his main role in the plot is using his previous knowledge and skills. That would probably indicate Bird Secondary. He’s also a little bit more concerned with having a plan than some of the other characters who are better at rolling with the punches. The main reason I leant towards Snake Secondary is because I think Wylan’s a mirror for Kaz and certainly someone Kaz sees himself in. He uses Snake Secondary in Crooked Kingdom. Pretending to be Kuwei doesn’t weigh on him as much as it would weigh on a Lion Secondary, and part of his role at the end is to put on a performance. I like to think he’s developing his Snake Secondary Model under Kaz, and probably isn’t thrilled about it.

Matthias Helvar’s journey is the classic character arc of a Badger Primary who expands their definition of ‘human’. When he starts the series he has completely dehumanised Grisha under the teachings of the drüskelle. Nina points out the hypocrisy of him valuing human life and being part of an organisation that hunts Grisha and his response is that Grisha are not humans. Once he meets Nina he starts to change his opinion, and over the series he begins to realise that Grisha are also human. Matthias is usually the one who’s thinking about the greater good. When he and Nina agree to kill Bo Yul-Bayur it’s because of the danger he poses to the wider world. And it’s Matthias who ultimately decides not to kill Kuwei. Why? Because he’s one of “us”. Matthias was vulnerable to Jarl Brum and the drüskelle teaching because he desired a group and a community, and he finds this in the crows. There’s an argument for a Bird Primary that learns his previous system is wrong and adopts a new system, but I think Badger makes more sense. Noble Matthias whose main role is as the muscle is a straightforward Lion Secondary.

Nina Helnik is the quintessential Snake Secondary. Her main role in the plot is to be the decoy or the charmer. Before that she was a spy in the army, and that’s the role that fits her best. She switches from persona to persona, playing different characters with ease. Unlike Kaz, Nina rarely uses her neutral state, and delights in her playful, charismatic Snake Secondary.

Nina’s primary is less immediately clear. The fact that she stayed in Ketterdam after Mathias’ arrest and didn’t return to Ravka would probably indicate she’s a Loyalist. An Idealist would at least feel some guilt for not returning to their country and their cause, but Nina puts Mathias above Ravka. Unlike Matthias, Nina doesn’t necessarily dehumanise the drüskelle and doesn’t need a group. If she were a Badger Primary she would probably have more of a community in Ketterdam, but she seemed to have bonded with the crows as individuals. That would mean Snake Primary. Interestingly enough, Nina has the same sorting as Kaz. I think this is the reason that whilst Nina doesn’t necessarily like Kaz she respects him and he her. They both know how the other works and understands how each thinks.

In summary:

Kaz: Snake Primary/Snake Secondary, Bird Secondary Model, Snake Primary Performance

Jesper: Lion Primary/Lion Secondary, Snake Secondary Model

Inej: Bird Primary/Bird Secondary

Wylan: Lion Primary/Bird or Snake Secondary

Matthias: Badger Primary/Lion Secondary

Nina: Snake Primary/Snake Secondary

[coldmorte]

Hey! I really really like your blog and all the Dutch content, and I read your posts on Molly and Dutch and I just felt like sharing my thoughts :) If you don’t feel like it, just ignore this

I like Molly, even though I agree that she’s very much a snob and very paranoid at times.

It’s always felt very clear to me that Molly really, truly loves Dutch. And love makes you do stupid, desperate things (just look at Arthur).

Molly’s interaction with Abigail is about Dutch’s love for Molly, not the other way around. It’s Abigail saying that Dutch doesn’t love her and Molly lashing out (probably to protect herself from the truth).

This is brought up again in An Honest Mistake, when she talks to Arthur about Dutch, questioning how Dutch seems to him. When Molly says, “I really love him, you know,” Arthur averts his eyes and doesn’t look at her. I’ve always seen this as Arthur knowing Dutch doesn’t love her in the way Molly wants him to, if he loves her at all.

I’ve always seen Dutch as being kind of ahead of his time when it comes to certain progressive ideas (especially as it pertains to race), but when it comes to women, he’s very much a product of his his time. The way he talks about them and to/at them, whether it’s Molly or Abigail or Mary-Beth or Sadie, is often either dismissive or condescending.

While he doesn’t outright say it, the way he acts around the women at camp has always left me feeling like he prefers women (at least the ones he takes an actual interest in) to fit into the roles society has carved out for them; they have to be beautiful and docile and romantic-minded for him to take an interest.

You’ve said yourself, that Dutch deals with a lot of self doubt and that stems from wanting to be seen as a great and powerful man, who the people in camp can look up to, and women (especially young women) were (and to some degree stil is) seen as symbols of status. Molly is a beautiful woman from a wealthy family; she could have anyone she wanted, and she chose Dutch and ran away with him, leaving her old life behind – that’s the ultimate powermove on Dutch’s part.

I’ve always thought of Dutch as a romantic, the way he talks about love and how it’s the one thing worth living for, and I believe that he may have at some point actually loved Molly or at least convinced himself that he did, but the second he grows tired of her and realises that he doesn’t actually love her, he’s moving on to another, younger woman.

His inner romantic and his ego and need to be perceived as powerful are at odds with each other, and as the game progresses we see how his romantic and kind side wilt under the weight and pressure of his responsibilities as a leader and his need to be perceived as powerful and a great leader.

Those are my thoughts at least :)

Hello!

Thank you for the ask and the kind words! That really does mean a lot!! 💜💜💜

I am very grateful for your message, and no!!!! I don’t want to ignore it!! That wouldn’t be very fair of me, as I feel like you bring up some good points to discuss. Also, I appreciate the respect in your message and for taking the time to write so much out! I’d be happy to give you some of my time in return 🥰

(Warning: SPOILERS below)

I’m going to take your points one at a time here. So, starting with liking Molly, it’s totally fine! I don’t want to be too negative on my blog, and I don’t want people to feel like they have to think the same way I do. That wouldn’t be any fun, so it does make me happy that you can enjoy her character. I don’t want to take that away from you!! By all means, love her to your heart's content!!! ❤️

Furthermore, though I don’t personally like Molly, I don’t think she was a truly bad person. Just like every other character in the game, she had flaws and made mistakes. I primarily wish I could have gotten to know her better because she was presented during a very dark time in her life. I feel like this affected my perception of her, and I might have seen her differently, if I had gotten the chance to interact more with her character (especially outside of the RDR2 timeframe). Everybody deserves not only to love somebody, but everybody also deserves to have faith that the person they love can truthfully say the same back to them. I felt bad that Molly died such an unhappy, loveless death.

About the love Molly had for Dutch, I agree that she loved him. My point in bringing up infatuation was to primarily highlight the reason and the degree to which she honestly loved him. Did Molly love Dutch for the man he was, or for the idea of the man he was? Maybe, it was a mix? I am not sure there is enough information to give a conclusive answer to this (as I somewhat mentioned before).

To be fair, the same thing could (and should) be asked of Dutch. Did he truly love her, or did he just love the idea of having her at his side? Again, it would be fascinating to see the early part of their relationship. It would answer a LOT of questions. You mention that Dutch arguably saw Molly as a symbol of status, and I agree that it was very plausible. I think, to some degree, both Molly and Dutch saw each other as being favorable for what they represented, unfortunately.

In regard to the interaction between Molly and Abigail, I realize my response was unclear about this (that’s my bad). I'll try to write it better here, but this is really complicated to put into words! I'll do my best!!

What I said was that Molly got angry at people she “perceived” as challenging her love (this was subjective to her POV and not necessarily reflective of true reality). My original answer was not objective (nor was it meant to be - I was trying to write this part from her POV), and there are a few layers I want to analyze here. First of all, from an objective perspective, you are correct. The conversation between them was ultimately about Dutch not loving Molly the way she wanted to be loved. However, the first thing Molly did was state to Abigail that she loved Dutch. If she didn’t see this point as being in question, why did she feel the need to immediately justify it before saying anything else? To me, it seemed like she needed to actively prove that she loved him to others.

This was also seen with Karen and Arthur. The conversations with Karen were confusing because they didn’t have much context, but perhaps, that was the point - to show the extent of Molly’s paranoia (in other words, that there was no context and that she was imagining Karen to be against her out of insecurity). Molly continually complained that Karen said bad things about her, and she insisted that she not only loved Dutch, but that he loved her as well. Then, as you mention, Molly emphasized to Arthur that SHE loved Dutch (it was not directly about his love for her). Again, by constantly having to profess her feelings, it was as if she thought people were doubting her on some level.

But here is where the contradiction comes in - I believe that Molly was smart enough to know that this doubting wasn't entirely genuine. She knew it was never really her love that she should have been concerned about. Although, by focusing on herself, it was a way to deflect from her insecurity regarding Dutch and the fact that she knew, deep down, he didn’t truly love her (at least, not anymore). That’s why she got so upset when Abigail, for instance, brought this point up. As soon as the conversation shifted from Molly’s love to Dutch’s love, she lashed out and stormed away.

So, to try to summarize this all up, what I am trying to say is that Molly “perceived” challenges to her own state of emotions as a means of shifting away from her concerns about Dutch’s feelings. She knew her "perceptions" were really more like lies to herself. Molly wanted the conversation with Abigail to seem like it was about her because she felt she was more in control of that and could handle it better. From a neutral perspective, the conversation was definitely not about Molly - it was entirely about Dutch, which Molly knew (she just didn’t like Abigail directly pointing it). I hope my response makes more sense? Sorry, if I am still being confusing!

Now, as for Dutch and his progressive ideas, I think a lot of them were formed in his youth. Little information was given about his childhood, but he did seem pretty sensitive about the fact that he grew up fatherless. His dad died in the Civil War (a conflict primarily centered around the issue of slavery and states’ attitudes towards it), while fighting on the side of the Union. One reason Dutch was probably so progressive in regard to race was because of his anger over losing a parent to racially-motivated violence. Racism seemed like a waste of time and life, so he was bitter towards people who still harbored racist sentiments. He knew firsthand how destructive they could be.

Minimal insight was provided into Dutch’s relationship with his mother, other than the fact that it was quite strained and unhappy. He left home at a young age and essentially disowned her. He obviously didn’t keep in touch with her, judging that he didn’t even know she died until years after the fact. Could this have affected his attitude later in life (towards women)?

I suppose it’s possible. Maybe, Dutch would have looked better on women, had he been closer with his mother. I consider his attitude towards women as pretty average for the era. It’s not entirely fair to compare him to Arthur, who was very progressive for the time and definitely above normal standards. As you say, I think Dutch was a product of his time. In RDR2, he didn’t come across as physically abusive, nor did he overtly sexualize women. However, he did seem to expect women to act in a subordinate manner. It's not great (and I certainly do not agree with his attitude), but again, the contemporary standards in regard to gender roles did not exist in 1899.

Lastly, I COMPLETELY agree about Dutch being VERY romantic, sentimental, and idealistic. This wasn’t just limited to interpersonal relationships either - it also fit his entire perspective of America and the values he held dear. Just take a look at some of his quotes:

“The promise of this great nation - men created equal, liberal and justice for all - that might be nonsense, but it’s worth trying for. It’s worth believing in.”

And:

“If we keep on seeking, we will find freedom.”

In the beginning, he had such high hopes and strong faith that he could find a way to live free from social and legislative demands. Compare that to the end, where he started to say things like:

“You can’t fight nature. You can’t fight change.”

And:

“There ain’t no freedom for no one in this country no more.”

Dutch wanted to believe that there was a chance to live free from the threat of control, but as he started to lose people he loved and got closer to losing his own battle, he started to take on a much more cynical tone. He began to realize that his romantic notions and idealistic visions of life were not always obtainable - no matter how hard he tried to reach them - and it broke him. This change in his life outlook was kind of similar to his interpersonal relationships. When he realized they were a lot of work and not always happy/perfect, he seemed to grow frustrated. Love requires a lot of patience and energy. Despite full effort, love still does not always succeed.

Also, I just want to add that I think Dutch knew he had a problem with his pride, but he tried his best to maintain his tough, confident persona because he didn’t want to be perceived as weak. He definitely realized he messed up in putting his pride first in the end, but at that point, it was too late. Whatever was left of his idealistic aspirations in life died with Arthur up on that cliff.

Anyhow, I’ve said more than enough. I’d like to once again thank you for the ask!! I hope my response was worth the time to read and that it makes sense. Feel free to share any more thoughts you may have!!!

~ Faith 💜

[lady-plantagenet]

Tumblr History Ask meme, No. 30! (An AU where George was never executed but Edward IV still dies at 40, and his sons both die of the plague or sweating sickness, leaving GEORGE to be King of England! what think you? 😆)

Hohoho ho. I have a lot of thoughts on this. Hell I even wrote an entire fictional AU series on AO3 on this topic - you can find it here (please R&R I’m desperate). So yes sorry for the late reply and I really hope you enjoy my usual bursting out in an essay (as per usual). Mwah x

Without speaking about it anymore and spoiling I’ll just answer your ask straight. Ok so George becomes king. Princes dead or not this may still cause issues because technically speaking Elizabeth of York has a stronger claim to the throne (Edward IV recognised the same in 1469 and before presenting her as his true heir presumptive not George).

While on a practical level George would easily be able to hold the throne against Elizabeth of York (who on her own did not command enough support to overthrow Richard III despite the illegitimacy rumours not really being considered as true by most), if Elizabeth married and got a son it would wreak havoc. Everytime King George fails in any way people will look at Elizabeth’s son as an alternative. Sure he could pull a King John I and keep her unmarried under house arrest until the end of her days (what happened to his niece Eleanor of Brittany) but how will he manage to do this will all 5 sisters?

There are many things to consider, for one, George was popular in London and if there was an outspread plague and he gave the princes a state burial I really think people could believe him that they were not murdered. Not to mention under these circumstances, Richard III would be the protector so the blame would fall on him anyway - pretty excellent for George id say. Hell he could even use the kid’s death as some sort of God’s divine judgment propaganda against his brother’s reign. He would need to continue denigrating Edward because his daughters (as explained above) will continue to be an issue. He would most likely continue with the ‘Edward IV was a bastard’ rumour. Otherwise, George could use the ‘by law I’m Lancaster’s heir’ as some sort of further support his reign and why he can overreach his nieces and their sons.

Another question remains ~ is Isabel dead or not? Assuming you mean this is 1483 and she dies, I am certain George would get remarried once he becomes king because while his part in the Mary of Burgundy marriage shamaz remains unclear I think what it shows is that he was more likely than not to want to remarry. This need would further increase if he became king because two young children (only one of which is a boy) is no secure line of succession. George took no decisive steps to get married to Mary upon his brother’s refusal (eg scheming for a dispensation or trying to go abroad) so I will assume that in this timeline George remains unmarried until 1483 and Mary dies in 1482 as canon. Mary (and his sister Margaret behind her) would have gained him great support in keeping the throne, England and Burgundy would have pretty much united (if Edward of Warwick died prematurely and George and Mary’s son became the next king) and England may have become the dominating European power as opposed to the Habsburg empire.

However since Mary is out of question, I can’t think of some other foreign Princess at that time that would have brought with her considerable power. George seems to have had no wish to war with France so that’s nice. I can’t say that Louis XI had great admiration for him but his place in the Picquiny committee (one of the four) implies that France trusted that he would keep the peace. George (mostly because of Warwick) was hated in Burgundy but Margaret clearly would have guided Maximilian (Mary’s real husband who took up control after she died) towards good relations with England and given Maximilian’s support of the York Pretenders in Henry VII’s reign I think he was the type of man who had no strong opinions towards any individual in England so would have been fine with it.

Anything else is difficult to say. George was described by Hicks (who is very very un-pop-history in his biography/PhD thesis of George) as a man ultimately unsuited to his role because of his temperament. His actions even before Isabel’s death do suggest something like that but the way he was after her death (Dec 1476 - May/June 1477) was just so uncharacteristically erratic and one-after-another that many people (including me) think it was him becoming unstabilised by his wife’s death as opposed to a reflection of his general fortitude and decision-making capabilities. So I ask: was it a phase he would have gotten out of by 1483 or was he permanently going to stay this way even if he did get remarried? I don’t think he was mad - certainly not, but a bit perturbed definitely and I don’t know how it would affect some aspects of his reign eg being merciful, pardoning people who’ve done him wrong, giving patronage of influence to his ministers... etc. However, if he did get out of this phase (or at least calmed down a bit by 1483) I think he could have genuinely been a good king. His role as a regional magnate shows him as generous, pious, eloquent, handsome, popular, refined, extremely knowledgeable of the law and good at peace-weaving. On a downside he also seemed inflexible in his approach, disproportionately harsh on certain penalties (eg Poaching), quick to act in certain aspects yet full of procrastinative habits in others, prideful, vengeful, susceptible to flattery, suspicious and with something suggestive of an overly superstitious personality.

Nevertheless, it is one thing to be a baron and another thing to be king. George had become quite detached from the national stage (let alone the international) towards the end of his life so he would have a lot of catching up to do. And as always is the issue with a king coming from the nobility and not the crown directly, there may be factional issues and the Neville affinity might expect certain favours and privelages from him especially since his heir Edward comes from their line. As we know, Neville support for George waned after Isabel’s death but the few that remained would expect great favour from him - this being at odds with those who were in power during Edward IV’s reign eg William Hastings, Anthony Woodville etc. After all, they really saw him as their earl (Rous speaks of him in the same terms as he spoke of his predecessors the Beauchamps).

George would inherit a country full of administrative issues and as much as I believe he was genuinely concerned with ‘the common weale’ and deserved all the praise given to him by his contemporaries, I see him falling into the same trap as Edward IV. Circumstances would likely force him to strengthen the crown’s authority and people would call him a hypocrite for this. Otherwise, he would let himself become a small centre around which others revolve but I don’t know if his pride would allow that either. Nevertheless, I think he would lead England into the ‘renaissance’ culturally. He would continue patronising the printing press, continue with the previous monarchs’ cultural endowments of colleges, churches and such (as he had done in his own lands), he would also share in Edward’s popularity with the city and trade (he gave great privileges to his burgesses says Rous, his permanent retinue had burgesses in them and many other stuff point to him respecting the place of trade) - though he wouldn’t engage in them because (as according to Hicks and others) he didn’t have a good business sense. This could go at odds against him most likely attempting to retain military retention privelages to the barons which in itself was a factor which worked against the development of a early modern state. This is the odd thing about George, in some ways he appears beyond his time and in other behind his time. All we can hope is that Warwick had tried to cultivate him a bit in national leadership and that it stayed with him.

Will he reign peacefully or get deposed? It could go either way but I am certain his reign would be filled with problems. If he gets his own Bosworth (with his niece’s sons or Henry Tudor) I think he would get romanticised as the last Plantagenet king in case of the latter because unlike Richard III he wouldn’t have nephew killing as his issue. A saving grace of George was that he was a master propagandist so I have bit of faith in his posterity and image and I think it could have made his reign flow more smoothly to a degree.

[buffyversefanfiction]

Slayer of Slayers

Warnings: I do not own, nor do I claim to own any of the copyright or characters within the Buffyverse which includes but is not limited to the television shows Buffy and Angel, as well as the Darkhorse comics series’ continuation. 15+ Strong to moderate violence, Graphic to mild descriptions of gore, and torture, sexually charged scenes, sexual innuendos, mild to strong language, and practices of witchcraft. M/M, F/F, M/F, GEN, OTHER +

Part One: City of No Angel

After being away from Los Angeles for several years the brooding vampire Angel had been convinced to return to his former city under the advice of vampire slayer Faith Lehane who herself had been sent back to L.A. due to the witch Willow Rosenberg’s concern about a growing number of vampire slayers going missing within the troubled city that once had the evil law firm, Wolfram and Hart, pulling its strings. Angel, Faith, and old one Illyria arranged to meet at Angel’s old, haunted grounds The Hyperion Hotel which had once again become abandoned like it was when he first set up home in there with his friends who became like family, most of which were long gone now. After the unlikely trio consisting of a vampire with a soul, a former goddess in a human’s body, and a redeemed former rogue slayer, met up they soon discussed the facts of the mission which had brought them all together. “So, Willow’s big plan is for me to play the role I play best, the rogue slayer, thinking that whoever’s killing slayers is probably going to like the idea of teaming up with a slayer who kills humans or used to, obviously hoping they do not know any stories of all the things I’ve done while seeking some kind of redemption.” Faith informed Angel and Illyria. “I did the covert rogue slayer thing a while back for Giles and shit got pretty messy hence why I was not doing this one solo.” “If slayers are killing out other slayers, then maybe we should not interfere I mean after all there was only ever supposed to be one at a time whereas now you throw a rock and you have yourself some superpowered woman thinking themselves as something like a god insulting actual gods like myself,” Illyria complained while making it clear she was far from happy about the rise in the quantity over slayers over recent years. Both Angel and Faith did not bother to reply to Illyria’s choice of words having both got used to the way she speaks by now and how she viewed the world and despite her literal tough outer shell, the old one was always on their side without question having somehow become her friends. The three of them were determined to get to the bottom of the mysterious case of the slayer of slayers not realizing that this mission would change everything forever…

Elsewhere, in the city of Los Angeles, the slayer of slayers was eying their next target a Knight-haired vampire slayer looking something like Faith herself, as the girl believed she had the upper hand as she ran down a dark alleyway with a male vampire running after her, believing she was luring this monster into a trap not realizing that this vampire was luring her into one as part of his master’s own devious plan, to eradicate all slayers. “Unluckily for you, you seem to have no idea that I am not your average girl!” The young vampire slayer bravely stated as the male vampire closed in towards her with his full vampire face on display. The slayer wasted no time in charging towards her undead opponent as she pulled a wooden stake out of her black leather jacket during mid-run as she launched herself into the air, throwing her body into the night sky before launching her right clenched fist down towards the vampire, punching him with force across the face as her feet fell back onto the cold hard ground. The slayer continued to fight with the vampire each of them getting several good hits on the other before the young slayer eventually got the better of the vampire, kicking his body so hard the vampire fell to the ground as the slayer launched the wooden stake into the vampire’s chest causing the vampire to explode into nothing more than a big pile of dust. “They just keep bringing slayers to my city it’s like the big man no longer cares about his chosen daughters.” An unbelievably handsome man with short jet black said to the slayer as he too appeared from out of the shadows wearing a black fishnet t-shirt flaunting his chiseled abs with skin-tight black leather jeans that clung perfectly to his impressive body making this stranger look as sinister as he did sexily. The young slayer knew instantly whoever this stranger was, he was most definitely an enemy working alongside the forces of evil and so the Knight haired woman ran towards her next opponent not realizing that this opponent would be her last as it did not take long for the handsome stranger to quickly get the better of the slayer, punching her several times across the face before kicking her in the stomach with such force the slayer fell into some nearby bins amusing the man before her as she quickly began rustling through the rubbish as she pulled herself back up onto her feet defiantly. “You do not scare me, vampire!” She lied before charging towards this mysterious man once again, as she refused to allow her growing fear to get the better of her. “Not a vampire.” The man replied as he punched her once again before grabbing the slayer by her throat and lifting her up into the air into a chokehold. “You may know me as the slayer of slayers.” Before the slayer could muster any words while under the surprisingly strong stranger’s stronghold on her neck, he threw her across the street, her head hitting off a nearby wall before her body crashed onto the ground knocking the slayer unconscious in the process. “I swear you get sexier with every slayer you slaughter!” A short dirty blonde haired male vampire said as he appeared from out of the shadows eagerly making it clear to the two men knew each other very well. “Who would think little Theo will grow up to be the ruthless slayer of slayers?” “If only mummy dearest could see me now,” Theo replied as he walked over to the vampire with a seductive smirk on his face. “Killing slayers and sleeping with vampires.” The vampire, otherwise known as Tobias, pulled the slayer of slayers, otherwise known as Theo, in towards him until the two men’s bodies were grinding against each other’s as they began kissing passionately getting off on the carnage that Theo had just created.

After a rather successful night of Tobias hunting humans and Theo capturing a vampire slayer, the dangerous duo had retreated to a demonic dive bar that they owned together and often used as their headquarters for all their hellish operations, while their demonic and monstrous clients continued to drink and often join in when they were asked of by Theo and Tobias, fearing the two too much to even consider saying no to them. “I heard you’ve got yourself another slayer, is she on the menu tonight?” Asked one of the vampires that stood at the counter breaking up Theo’s kiss with his vampire lover as the two put their focus back on their customers. “This one’s going through a little processing right now before she gets served to our public no point drinking her blood while it's still poisoned now is there?” Theo replied with a sense of casualism that could only occur from doing what he did far too often. “Pretty messed up the things you do to your own kind Theo.” A demon with snake-like skin-colored red and a lizard-like tongue said to his bartender, laughing away in respect for the monster within the man in front of him. “I’m no vampire slayer, I am a slayer of slayers it's my destiny to eradicate them all and plunge this pathetic excuse of a world into pure and utter darkness it is just a bonus I get so much pleasure in killing each and every one of them,” Theo replied to the demon. “Besides slayer’s blood sells very well and who does not love money?” “My beloved Theo is unlike any before him, he not only lives in the darkness he thrives in it, and with him, on our side, the slayers will soon be nothing more than unfond memories.” Tobias chimed in while showing genuine affection for his lover. “My only fear of course is the one slayer who always defies the odds that perky blonde one who changed everything for her kind.” “Buffy Summers is more myth than truth Tobias, I have told you that before,” Theo said to the vampire, trying to reassure him that Buffy was nowhere near as much of a threat as she was in stories they had been told. “I would not underestimate the girl who killed Angelus and The Master not to mention that goddess who almost ended the world one time.” Another vampire at the counter said, adding to the conversation within the bar. “I have the upper hand when it comes to Buffy whether she is as fearful as they say she is still a woman, a woman who had seen love and loss in her time and will no doubt be thrown back to meet her only son.” Theo declared, revealing his identity as Buffy’s son to the shocked crowd within the bar, everyone except Tobias being stunned by the slayer of slayers’ admission.

The very next day Faith found herself riding on her motorbike down a somewhat quiet road on the outskirts of Los Angeles before pulling up on the middle of the road, climbing off her motorbike, and beginning to walk further and further into the hot desert, as she pulled out her phone from her jean pocket and dialed Willow’s number before putting her on loudspeaker while continuing to walk through the desert. “I know when you think dead bodies you reckon, I am the expert, but I was better at deserting them not looking for them in a bloody desert.” Faith said with her signature sense of sarcasm after hearing Willow answer her call. “This slayer got into L.A. not long before you did Faith, we’re not sure why any slayer would be rushing to Los Angeles these days but if we failed to safe her at the very least, we should try to find answers from her death to stop it happening again,” Willow replied to her. “I get it Willow, and I’m all for helping with the bigger picture but searching for a fellow slayer’s dead body before having breakfast is not all it’s cracked up to be.” Faith complained to the red-headed witch. “I will make you all the eggs on toast if you sort out the L.A. problem. You know you’re the main girl in action with Buffy being all M.I.A. since the incident.” Willow told her while trying to butter her up, only for Faith to be left silenced by finding the body of the young slayer who looked a little too much like her for Faith’s liking. “Looks like your right once again Will.” Faith admitted as she stood over the young slayer’s lifeless body all bloodied and wounded with injuries that told a tragic tale of torture. “Whatever’s killing us slayers seem to be taking real pleasure in it…I cannot wait to kill those bastards.” “Oh, goddess, this is far from good thank the heavens you’re not going solo on this one Faith,” Willow told the former rogue slayer. “I’ll call this in to the local authorities once you have got yourself a good distance from the crime scene, you should probably report back to Angel before going in undercover on this one… the last slayer we need showing up dead next is you.” “Thanks for the sentiment Will but this is even more reason for me to get my spy mode rolling!” Faith replied to the witch before hanging up the call to her. “Rather not wait around to examine the next dead slayer who happens to look far too much like me!”

Tobias walked into the bedroom of the apartment above the dive bar which he shared with Theo, shirtless and wearing a tight boxer brief as he willingly flaunted his tanned skin, muscular frame, and handsome body while walking over to Theo who was sat on the edge of their shared bed. “You know you anger me when you question my strength in front of the customers.” Theo, who was wearing just a pair of tight white boxer briefs himself, with the rest of his own impressive body fully on show, complained to his lover. “I am mainly looking out for you, fearing for you, worrying about you, like anyone who truly loved you would,” Tobias replied as he began softly kissing Theo’s neck. “I know you are capable of anything, but I cannot help but fear that we may lose everything we have worked so hard for.” “I love you too Tobias, but you have got to have more faith in the grand plan the last thing we want is for Drusilla to learn of your doubts,” Theo said through panted breath as Tobias began working his way down Theo’s chest, kissing lower and lower, slower, and slower, as he pushed Theo back onto the bed. “I would challenge the devil himself if his plans risked your safety!” Tobias promised the man he loved before he pulled Theo’s boxers down to his ankles, proceeding to take off his own boxers and climbing onto Theo’s naked body, their two bodies crashing against each other’s, kissing passionately, as they made love to each other.

The very next night Theo had taken himself just outside of the demonic dive bar he ran with his undead partner, to enjoy a quick smoke break as he stood in the dark alleyways smoking a cigarette only to be left stunned to find a Knight haired beauty appear from around the corner, clearly walking towards him, as Theo began to wonder if he had met this woman before, noting the similarity she had to the slayer he had recently murdered. “Don’t suppose I can steal a smoke from you?” Faith asked him, knowing damn fine that this man was the man she was looking for, determined to find out more about him so she could shut down his entire operation. “Here’s the thing love, humans do not normally come around this neighborhood unless they got a death wish that is,” Theo replied to her as he suspected this woman to be another slayer, another potential victim. “I’m not fully human, I’m a vampire slayer and even then, I’m much more than just any slayer I mean I do not mean to brag but I’m probably the most famous rogue slayer to ever live the original good girl gone bad although I was never that good.” Faith revealed herself, knowing no good girls made it out of this alleyway alive. “The name’s Faith, in case you did not already work that one out.” “Rumour has it you went back to the good side even helped Buffy herself destroy a Hellmouth along with her hometown,” Theo responded, clearly knowing a little something about the vampire slayer before him. “I hate rumors I’d like to get the guy spreading that lie and cut his tongue out!” Faith lied, ready to convince this man she was as evil now as she was back when she was evil. “Heard your part of this mission about killing all slayers and I’ve been trying that one long before you, in fact, I got pretty close to killing B until the bitch gutted me that is. However, a team-up could be just what I need to take her down once and for all.” “Well then Faith,” Theo answered with a smile on his face as he threw his cigarette to the ground eagerly. “How about a drink to discuss this potential partnership?” Faith had Theo exactly where she wanted him and he had her too, Faith being determined to take down his entire operation, and Theo wanted to test the theory of whether or not Faith was really the ruthless slayer she was claiming to be, neither of them liking the answers that would follow.

[ambitionsource]

Who in the a class is in some kind of therapy?

what a question LMAO. but honestly, a very fair one indeed. while discussing this, es and i ended up basically dividing it into three groups (if someone isn’t mentioned, it just means none apply)

Is In Therapy Currently

Isadora || as we know from the canon of S3, isa is currently in therapy to work through the grief of valerie dying as well as like... the built up abandonment issues, anxiety, and struggles she has articulating or processing emotions lmao. it also helps her learn better methods to work with her autism

Farkle || i mean... we all watched S1 & 2. we know why he’s there LMAO and by god does he need it. it’s good that he’s improving though!!

Chai || she officially started therapy after the events of S1 while she was abroad because evidently her parents divorce really fucked with her emotional state and coping mechanisms -- as well as having sort of emotionally distant parents and having to navigate the world on her own. basically, money =/= nurturing. but yeah i think she realized what she did with tormenting her classmates wasn’t Healthy perhaps and so she sought out the resources to fix it on her own. her parents certainly weren’t going to be much help

Clarissa || clarissa has been in and out of therapy here and there since she was little, mainly for managing OCD. usually she’s fine and her appointments are infrequent (monthly at this current rate), but she tends to go back to her therapist when circumstances get very stressful, like the events of S2 (she mentions going back to therapy in a scene with charlie and haley in 210)

Not In Therapy Currently, but Has Before

Riley || though not by choice, riley went to therapy for a stretch of time in the aftermath of her bullying experience freshman year. by the start of S1, though, she’s on the tail-end of it after a whole summer full of it. she also had stints in family therapy when she was little when cory and topie were having their first bouts of marriage problems, but she doesn’t remember all that obviously. she’s thought about going back for herself because of all the divorce strain, but ultimately opted against it bc she didn’t want to go through cory or topanga. she mainly sticks to talking to eric if things get too overwhelming and using the coping mechanisms she already has

Darby || miss darbs spent some time in therapy in late elementary school due to having issues socializing with her peers. i think she’s always been a bit awkward and desperate to please, so that can get messy with kids cause kids are mean. she was also definitely bullied at that age for being really tall and so i think her parents put her therapy out of genuine concern just with the hopes that like, she’d be able to develop some coping mechanisms and have a safe space to get advice if they didn’t have the answers. and in some ways it helped, other ways no -- her friendships aren’t the healthiest still (as she’s the doormat), but i think she holds her own BETTER with the plastics having gone to therapy than if she never developed those emotional tools at all

Has Not / Is Not but Really Fucking Should Be in Therapy

LUCAS || this is like the most obvious blinking lights sirens wailing example ever. he is a walking textbook for endorsing therapy. between the domestic abuse, mommy and daddy issues, self-esteem in the subbasement, lack of life purpose, inability to read others well emotionally, inability to process his own emotions, the physical aversion due to his trauma, his kleptomania, his risk-taking behavior, his habit of lying, the fact that he has canonically walked off for days at a time with no warning, explanation, or safety net, that he sleeps in a fucking technician’s booth, he used to free-climb buildings SOMETIMES IN THE RAIN, no sense of self-preservation, intrusive thoughts, inability to express appreciation or affection in a normal non-stressful way...... this man is a therapist’s dream and nightmare. they could spend YEARS unpacking him. but will he ever go to therapy? no. because he a) doesn’t think he needs it, b) can’t ask for help ever, and c) could never afford it. and at this point, d) if his dad heard he was seeking help like that he would shut it down instantly. anyway, he’s the biggest case here. underline him in red

Charlie || charlie is a great example of someone who is like coping... sort of... not really... it Looks like they’re coping but they aren’t really and they really need help. like yes, charlie has stability in certain areas of his life that others don’t, and he’s extremely self-aware of his privileges, but i think that’s part of the problem. he’s convinced himself he doesn’t need or shouldn’t get external help because there are people who have it so much worse than him and he doesn’t... he doesn’t really need it, does he? he’s fine. he’ll be fine. and even if he did think about getting “help,” i think his first instinct -- and advice from others -- would be to go to his church leadership, which is not a suggestion made with ill will but just isn’t helpful considering half of his trauma is tied to his relationship with god and the church and faith. he needs a more objective space to unpack all of that, and obviously church itself is not the answer. i think that charlie will be able to work through a lot of his initial issues on his own with time and patience with himself (something we’re in the thick of right now -- we’re just barely in the acceptance phase), but he should really go to therapy in the future just to like... work through all of the long-term trauma he endured from his upbringing and bridgette’s exile and the dueling psychology of church vs sexuality. like... that’s gonna take some time to unravel and he needs to be in the right place to pursue that on his own. will he, i dont know, but i think when he does a certain heaviness he’s been carrying his entire life will finally like... lift. and he’ll be able to breathe better

Asher || so asher is a bit of a clusterfuck LMAO like he’s diagnosed officially with generalized anxiety disorder but he never saw a specialist, his mom diagnosed him since she’s a psychologist. the complexity here is that because of that... well, they say you should never let family be your personal doctors and i think that’s true for mental health professionals too. like emily basically gave asher the generic coping rundown when he was really young, and then he went on to develop his own coping mechanisms with, at least, a very fundamental understanding of what’s wrong with him. but he kind of developed his own complex about it all too, bc i think emily took pride in him being able to figure it all out and be so capable with his own mental health without ever going to therapy and he kind of internalized that, as well as having internalized a lot his mom’s perspectives and opinions as a mental health professional in a way that its like... well my MOM said that, so i feel kind of some type of way about it. so its all really complicated and twisted in his head and he just doesnt bother to unpack it (something, ironically, therapy would probably help lol). the thing about asher is that for all intents and purposes, he does cope well and he is really in tune with his own mental state. it’s just that he could seriously benefit from having an objective party help him untangle some of his neuroses i think and it would take some of the constant stress off his shoulders, but he’s honestly too stuck in his ways at this point to go. that being said, he’s a vocal advocate for therapy and its benefits -- just not for himself

Nigel || as discussed a bit in the ask i answered about him, i just think nigel carries way too much pressure on himself and he could benefit from someone helping him work through things instead of carrying all his stress on his own -- even if its less complex than some others. he’s like same range as clarissa.

Maya || maya has no issue with self-esteem, but i think she could still benefit from someone helping her actually unpack her issues over her dad and why she is the way she is. a therapist who specializes in narcissism would be a good fit for her -- not because she is one, but she does have... certain quirks where i think having that specialization can help unravel her motivations and actions a little more easily

Missy || she’s just a fucking mess. she shouldn’t be redeemed but i think therapy could really do her a favor and maybe make her less terrible and psychopathic towards people who aren’t like her. maybe

-- Maggie & Es

[newgirl-inthecity]

Quarantine Diary!

Day 1

“What’s the best part that sets the tone for the day - Your dreams”

It was Sunday and I got up with a fantastic dream...Well isn’t it amazing that I thought I had the best sleep along with the best dream! I actually saw myself in Singapore and I was in a party and I couldn’t believe, that, was the house I was staying in. I’m quite realistic in my dreams, so that wasn’t my house and that wasn’t my party but I was invited to it and the grandeur of the party was simply breathtaking.

I remember looking at the candles after the party was over, the long tables, the large lawns, the huge mansion and my friend who was hosting the party! And the breeze.. I always remember breeze in my dreams. Its like the breeze whispers into my ears, “today is going to be your best day ever..” And I wake up!

So I’m thinking that what can make my day best so I turn on YouTube to find the best recipes for risotto. Cooking actually takes me to that happy place! Fresh ingredients, fresh herbs, fresh veggies crunch, it is just marvellous. I planned my day to go buy veggies, bread, cheese! And suddenly I remembered that first I have to do the blood test and send reports to my Dermo Dr. So, my perfect day started with a blood test and then I impromptu decided to meet my clone! Well, every coin has 2 sides.. this clone is my other side! Why I call her a clone, coz we r inseparable but since completely opposite, she is always on the opposite side of my everything!

So I go unannounced, as always and find Mo talking to her sister And suddenly I find myself deeply engaged into this extremely interesting story of the Queen and the other Royals. Some people have a gift of narration! It’s the same set of words that you read on WhatsApp messages but some people can actually turn that into entertaining stories! So here I was, talking of some memes along side of the story and fidgeting with cream I recently gifted. And Out loud I said,” it doesn’t smell so good, in fact it doesn’t smell at all, it has no aroma!”

I try to smell it again and even tried a perfume and then got scared.. I just couldn’t smell anything... nothing at all! Mo gave me Camphor to smell, and by that time I understood that something was wrong! Mo was paranoid and thought I was fooling around but I wasn’t. And I had so many questions on in my mind..

Left from there went straight to the lab and did my test again! Have you ever felt the “why me” kind of feeling? I only had three words in my mind ‘shit shit shit!’ Not today! This was supposed to be my best day.. Please, please, the test results cannot be positive. God, just do something! tell the test that it is the cold that has blocked my nose and that’s why I’m not able to smell anything.

I checked the results every half an hour and finally, there it was! Well it was my best day, supposedly, coupled with the positivity so here.. this is what the report had to say

“Covid positive!”

Day 2

“What sets you apart from everyone else - Your Attitude”

So it is quarantine time. Last night after I informed everyone about the report, my mind suddenly calmed. I felt as if the judge has announced the verdict that I was guilty and I was to be sentenced for a 14 day lock-up. It’s funny that all the anxiety, all the fight to prove yourself is only till or before the verdict. After it is declared, there is calmness. Literally nothing else that you can do, other than, accept and move on.

So the next day morning, I decided to plan my seclusion, starting with my parents and then me. I got the house sanitised and checked in for others well being. I understand the reason why the judge found me guilty. We rarely feel the guilt for our own doings, till the time it doesn’t affect anyone else but the moment it does, that’s where the guilt part rushes in. I was at my friends house when I found that I lost the sense of smell and though I was barely there for 20 mins and just sat at one place and did not touch anyone. More than half the time, I was wearing the mask I still could not get over how much I would have put the entire family at risk.

My phone was buzzing with numerous WhatsApp messages and calls from my close friends and family. Some of the messages were quite funny they only said, “WHATT?” &”REALLY?” Nothing after that, it was the only message they sent!

The rest of the calls and messages were genuine concern calls. Well some of my friends were deeply hurt for seeing me unwell and some of them thought this might be a good break for me to recover from the excess limits I put myself through. One person I really wanted to talk with was my personal doctor, Gauri. It’s funny that I have such faith in her that if she would have told me that I don’t have Covid I would’ve still believed her.

So I understood all the do’s and don’ts and was all set to make my seclusion plan. Rule no. 1 was that nothing goes out from this room. Well, my room actually is a quarantine room. It has TV with Netflix, a music system, a coffee machine, music instruments, attached washroom and a balcony with the lazyboy, lots of books and my plants!

Along with the timely medicines, measure O2 levels, sleep, drink lots of fluids, there were critical instructions to drink warm water and take steam every day. So I quickly ordered the kettle and the steamer and then thought of creating and filling up my own Room service - Pantry! I also planned to make my Smoothie for the day and got my smoothie maker placed at my Balcony. I placed an order for a hot plate, so that I could cook myself some Maggi & make pasta n stir fried veggies!

My cosy little balcony has 10 books on how to cook cuisine recipes and now I was all set to make that into my mini kitchen.. It felt as if I was planning to take home vacation, away from the world, work, making sure I take care of my health of my body and my mind!

I learnt this early. You are the only one who can choose your state of mind! Choose to feel good about the time you have in hand, make most of the ordinary things in life, choose to take a deep breath & ask yourself what’s next..!

[khiphop-stories]

Umbrella - Chapter XVII

You can read all previous chapters here.

NOT A NEW CHAPTER! Reposting this because tumblr took it down and I have no idea why lol. Hope you enjoy it! 

Lesson Seventeen: Leap Of Faith

[Christian Yu, DPR Live]

“Jenn…” He called out for you and reached out his arm into your direction.

You swirled around and walked towards him. “Something’s clearly wrong with your perception,” you commented, earning a confused look from him which was mixed with a hint of panic.

“What…?” With furrowed eyes he stared at you puzzled. At that moment his heart stopped beating. Were you mad at him?

“You said you broke up with her on good terms? That girl was about to tear your head off!” You let out a chuckle as a smile appeared onto your lips. Hearing the sound of your sweet laughter, Christian was able to relax his tensed muscles. He was relieved that you weren’t mad at him and at the same time he wondered how much of the conversation you had heard. The question lingered on the tip of his tongue, but he was too afraid to ask. So instead he just stared at you silently, his face covered in guilt.

“Christian,” you called his name firmly.

“Hm?”

“I’ve made up my mind. I do want to try this…but maybe you’re the one who’s not ready yet.” With each word your voice became softer until it was only a mere whisper, the confidence with which you spoke slowly leaving you.

“We’ve only been dating for a few hours and you already want to break up with me?” It was his turn to crack a joke, because he didn’t want you to see how much your words had affected him.

You rolled your eyes at him while letting out a little chuckle. “That’s a new record, huh?”

“When we were in London,” he said out of the blue, earning a confused look from you, “I was a mess. Not because of the break up, but because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. For the first time when I was abroad, all I wanted to do was to go back to Korea. I just wanted to be with you.”

You turned your eyes away with shyness, a smile spread across your face. “You always know the right thing to say.”

“I mean it.” He looked you straight in the eye. His expression was soft and genuine. There were no signs of deception on his face.

“About Hyeri—“

“I don’t need to know.” you hurriedly cut him off, shaking your head at him.

The sad expression on her face flashed in front of your eyes again. You felt an itch in your heart. With just one look at her you saw the agony and remorse in her pretty eyes when she was passing by. The emotions she had been able to conceal from the world all this time. It didn’t take a genius to grasp that the conversation they just had was private, intimate. You didn’t want to dig around in someone else’s story and pain.

Christian’s brows rose up high, you reaction confusing him as it wasn’t what he expected.

“You don’t know everything about me either. That’s the point of dating, isn’t it? Getting to know each other little by little.” You tilted your head at him and released a smile. He didn’t respond. Instead he just stared at you in silence.

“What?” You chuckled as you shifted in your position awkwardly. His gaze was slowly creeping you out.

“I‘m falling really hard for you right now,“ he blurted out without thinking and you saw the slight blush on his cheeks when he realized he spoke his thought out loud; one that was only meant to be heard by him.

Rolling your eyes at him, you let out a soft giggle. “Let’s head back.” With a smile on your lips you held out your hand for him. He laced his fingers with yours and led you through the crowd, holding you close to him.

~*~

“Morning, pretty,” Christian tore the curtains wide open with full force, allowing the room to be flooded with sunlight.

“Ugh!” You groaned out loud, blinded by the brightness of the sun. You immediately turned your body away from the window and buried your head into the pillow next to you. It was only then that you realized you weren’t in your own bed. The pillow smelt different. It was an aquatic fragrance mixed with a woody, exotic nuance. Your nose was all too familiar with this scent.

You were at Christian’s, though you had no idea what you were doing in his room or how you even got here. The last memory you had from yesterday was  of Christian and Scott battling each other on the dance floor. But everything after that was a blur.

“Oh god. My head is throbbing!” You whined with your eyes still tightly shut close. You felt the bed shift with Christian’s weight who gently turned you over. He broke out into roaring laughter when he saw how awful you looked. Your hair was a mess, your make up smudged and your face was puffed due to the excessive alcohol intake last night.

“Stop laughing!” You tried to push him away, though it wasn’t very effective. You didn’t have any strength left in your arms. He didn’t even budge.

“I did try to stop you,” he said teasingly, yet his voice was soft at the same time, coated with a trace of concern. Reaching out his arm, he gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ears.

By now you had finally managed to force your eyes open. You pushed yourself into a sitting position, staring at his handsome face. With a smile spread across his dry lips, he handed you a glass of water. You took a big sip, before placing the glass down onto the nightstand next to his bed.  Leaning your heavy head against his shoulders, you let out a long sigh, regretting the choices you had made yesterday.

“Go take a shower, then we can have breakfa— I mean lunch,” he corrected himself with a chuckle.

“Can’t we just eat first? I don’t have strength to shower,” you tried to negotiate.

“Jenn,” he looked at you with a serious expression on his face. “You smell horrible,” he laughed.

“I do not!” You took your hair into your hands and guided them to your nose, sniffing at them. It was a weird smell. A mixture of alcohol, cigarettes and sweat.

“Oh crap, I do smell,” you gave him an apologetic look. “You should have made me shower yesterday. How were you even able to sleep next to me?”

“I tried to! But I didn’t want to leave you alone in the shower. You could have slipped and fallen.”

“You should have jumped into the shower with me then,” you said teasingly, wriggling your eyebrows at him in a suggestive manner.

“I’m not gonna lie that thought did cross my mind, but then you passed out on the bed,” he broke out into laughter.

~*~

“That was so refreshing!” You sighed in content as you walked into the kitchen where the smell of eggs and bacon embraced your nose.

You eyed the three empty plates on the table, before walking to the cupboard to get cutlery. You opened the cupboard, before turning to Christian. “Is Dabin home? I haven’t seen him.”

“He’ll come out once he smells food,” he laughed and as though Dabin had heard his cue, he came walking inside the kitchen just in time. His eyes were still half-closed and he was hiding a long yawn behind his hand.

“If Rome’s gonna cook whenever you’re here Jenn, you should just start living here forever,” he greeted you playfully. His eyes lightened up when he saw the food on the table.

“Jealous?” You poked out your tongue at him.

“Of course! He never cooks for me,” the playfulness was evident in his tone.

“You know…you could maybe try cooking yourself,” you laughed at him and took a seat on one of the free chairs, after you had put down the silverware on the table.

“Nah, ain’t nobody got time for that,” he told you jokingly as he walked over to the fridge and took out a bottle of juice. Opening the cap, he poured the content down. You had watched him with your head tilted and a smirk on your lips.

“What?” Dabin gave you a weird look.

You exchanged knowing glances with Christian, before you let out a warm and hearty laugh. “Is that a hickey I see on your neck?” You stuck out your tongue at him teasingly as you pointed your finger to your own neck.

“What?” He almost choked on his juice and his eyes grew double the size. His hand automatically moved up to his neck, touching the spot you were pointing at.

“Somebody got lucky last night,” Christian snickered.

“I…I have no idea how I got this….” He stuttered in a daze with his hand still resting on his neck.

“You really can’t remember?” You looked at him in disbelief.

He remained silent for a moment, trying to revisit the past night. But he couldn’t find his memory. It was wiped clean.

“You both are the worst drinkers, really. You really don’t know your limits,” Christian shook his head with a laugh.

“What happened?” Dabin turned his attention to his roommate.

“I don’t know. I couldn’t find you when we left. The last time I saw you, you were with a girl,” he shrugged his shoulders.

“Did I leave with her??” Dabin eyes trailed back and forth the two of you.

“I don’t know, mate. You need to ask Scott or the other guys. We left pretty early, because I had to take Jenn’s drunk ass home,” Christian explained, giving you a little smirk.

“Hey, I wasn’t that drunk,” you defended yourself.

“You tried to hit on me with cheesy pick up lines. You became really really touchy...not just with me. If Cream didn’t stop you, you would have walked into the men’s room. And we almost got thrown out by the taxi driver, because you were talking dirty and trying to undress me.” He listed a couple of stupid things you did last night and you felt yourself drowning in embarrassment.

“Ok…maybe I was that drunk,” you mumbled under your breath, looking away embarrassed.

“Yes, Babe. You were that drunk.”

“OH MY GOD SHE TEXTED ME.” Dabin interrupted the two of you and rushed over to you with his phone.

“Hey, just wanted to check on you. Feeling better?” The text read.

“What do I reply?” He panicked.

Both you and Christian broke out into rumbling laughter, seeing him lose his cool.

“Wow…are you really the same guy who wrote ‘Cheese & Wine’?” You continued teasing him, because you were enjoying his state of helplessness a little bit too much.

“To be honest, it’s supposed to be a secret, but he has a ghostwriter,” Christian told you jokingly.

You took the phone from his hands and started typing something. Dabin stood frozen, his eyes following your movements.

“You have a date with her on Friday,” you flashed a grin at him and returned his phone.

“What?” His jaw dropped open. He took the phone back into his possession and read the conversation.

“Just woke up. Definitely feeling better. How about u?”

“I wasn’t the one who got wasted haha. Thanks again for taking the shots on my stead. I suck at those games. As promised, I’ll treat you to a meal :)”

“How about Friday?”

“Sounds good.”

~*~

[Time Leap]

“Valentine’s Day is coming up,” you casually remarked as you absent-mindedly stared out of the window. The streets were busier than usual and wherever you looked the colors red and pink dominated. Almost every store offered discounts for couples and the shop windows were decorated with shape of hearts and roses.

“I know,” he replied in a sing-song tone. “Don’t worry, I didn’t forget it,” Christian chuckled thinking you were concerned that he might have forgotten about it in the midst of being busy with work. Although you lived right across the hallway, you barely got to see his face the past few weeks. He had been working on too many projects, struggling to meet the deadlines. He was either on set shooting something, in the office editing or in a meeting. You knew he tried his best to make time for you despite his busy schedule. It just didn’t always work out.

However, your intention wasn’t to remind him of Valentine’s Day. You never made a big deal out of it. To you was just another commercial holiday that tricked you into buying a bunch of unnecessary things. But knowing him he was probably planning something special for the two of you. Christian was a romantic and rather impulsive too, so it was easy for him to get carried and perhaps spend a little too much money.

“Let’s set some rules.”

Christian turned his head to you, looking at you as though you had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world.

“No expensive gifts, no fancy restaurant, no cheesy Valentine’s card.”

“So I’m basically not allowed to do anything,” he let out a chuckle as he shook his head in disbelief. He turned his eyes back onto the road in front of him. He sat silently while his brain worked at full speed, trying to come up with an idea.

“How about chocolate?”

“Chocolate is fine,” you smiled at him. “But I’m talking about the $1 chocolate bar from the grocery store, not some posh box of chocolates.”

“This is so unfair!” He began whining.

“I don’t want you to be pressured to spend so much money on me because of social obligation.”

“I’m not pressured,” he shook his head. “I like doing this. I want to spoil my girl.”

“Still-”

“What do you consider expensive?”

“Anything over 20 bucks,” you replied after a short pause.

“I’m just allowed to spend 20?” His pitch rose by an octave filled with disbelief.

“Yup.”

“You can't be serious. That’s impossible, Babe!”

“Well, take it as a challenge then,” you stuck out your tongue at him, a smirk covering your face. You knew he was gonna fall for it. Christian was a very competitive person. He liked to prove others wrong, be it in his professional life or his personal.

“Challenge accepted,” he turned his head to you, giving you the most confident look. “It’s gonna be the best Valentine’s Day you’ve ever experienced!”

No cliffhanger this time haha and you can probably guess when I’ll post the next update, right? You all were probably expecting some juicy details about Christian’s past, but nope, I’m not gonna reveal it just yet :P You have to suffer a little bit more lol. Don’t forget to let me know about your thoughts! <3

[luscaina]

⭐ I really want to know ^^U

KJBSDKJ YEAH SURE ABSOLUTELY!!

time to plaster all my feelings over chapter 10 of sundown, sunrise: in which dusk falls;

She had promised herself not to get attached – hell, it was one of her rules, dammit, to never stay in one place for too long to prevent that kind of emotional attachment. Such a thing was too troublesome, too fragile, too risky and Quartz can’t afford getting her heart broken all over again. And yet, remembering all the smiles, the laughter, the wind in her face, the stars above, the warm hand ruffling through her hair, the calls of her name both exasperated and fond at the same time – she wanted that.

Quartz bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling, turning onto her side to curl up as if to hide away from the world. It scared her, it had always scared her when she got too close, when she let others get too close. It was so much easier for her to break it all with her own hands and run away, to ruin whatever kindness was given to her so she could just escape without looking back. Breaking others hearts was easier to handle than the own. It was survival.

You could start living instead.

Quartz squeezed her eyes shut, willing the suspicious burn of tears away. She can’t. She just– she can’t. They’ll forget her soon enough, she’ll be just another memory. Even if she would join, they’ll get tired of her, or even worse, find out what’s really going on. They’ll betray her, just like everyone else did, and she can’t go through something like that again. Quartz barely recovered from…them.

This one is a big one, only because I wasn’t sure where to cut it off from. It’s just. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I think, if I remember correctly, that was the first explicitly stated positive desire she had. And it absolutely terrified the living shit out of her, to have this desire to actually remain with people, despite all the walls she had built.

Quartz had been established as someone who just didn’t do people, someone who was mean and rude to deter people, someone who genuinely couldn’t comprehend human emotional connection, because anything close to it she had swiftly removed it herself. She had no qualms cutting people off, Quartz had stated it herself, that she wasn’t a good person, and in the above text, we know she favoured breaking people’s hearts instead before they could hers. Whatever lies in her past still haunts her, which includes her extreme reluctance towards emotional bonds.

So conditioned by her way of life in such a young age, Quartz doesn’t know how to actually ‘live’; she only knows survival and had given up on any desire other than self-preservation. Other character have also noted that, despite being 15, she doesn’t behave like a teenager – while she has her moments of childish spats and tantrums, Whitebeard had commented that her eyes belong to an adult. But, even if she had forgotten how to be a kid, it won’t change the fact that she still is one; a young teenager just trying their best, despite never knowing what to aim for except making it ‘til tomorrow. In the text above, we see her, for the first time, really desiring to stay, a revelation that scared her so much she went MIA for days.

Quartz isn’t equipped with the proper emotional maturity to deal with her complex relationship between herself and the concept of community & family. So her decisions always fall a little rash and she stays at war with herself – opportunistic survival instincts of self-preservation VS. subconscious yearning for home and human connection. She often can’t bring herself to think of positive what-if outcomes, mostly too afraid to actually like what she might find only to get disappointed and denied again. This showcases that Quartz’s greatest enemy is herself – she denies herself her desires out of fear, because what if she might like what’s beyond her walls? Her main concern is, how will it affect her current control over her own life?

After she had taken the leap of faith, however, we can see that Quartz reacts better when an outside force can lay out the possibilities in front of her, unbiased by Quartz’s emotions. Sure, she might bristle and throw a hissy fit, but we’ve read time and time again that Quartz’s emotional growth has taken necessary steps towards a healthier take, thanks to the fact that she has now adults, who present her better ways to deal with her issues.

send me a writer’s commentary ask!

[enevi]

Shirogane no Oka, Kuro no Tsuki - Volume Three

Welcome back to Hakkei Palace where winter reigns and living ghosts grow in numbers, whereas in Bun Province the chilling wind blows away the last vestiges of hope... Or does it? With the winter descending upon the capital city of Kouki disquiet comes over the residents of kirin household. The feeling of both mental and physical unease grows among the servants as Heichuu and Tokuyuu (along with Juntatsu, one of the two Bun'en's assistants delegated to take care of Taiki) are becoming more and more distant in both metaphorical and literal sense, the former being suddenly transferred to the Inner Palace and the latter simply disappearing from his room just the other day. Kouryou is also one of the affected ones with perpetual headache and exhaustion making his doubts going into overdrive. He also really doesn't like the fact that Keitou was nominated as the deputy governor and Taiki not speaking his mind doesn't help the situation. As if sensing all this Taiki takes Kouryou for a walk around the garden. The day is cold so it's unlikely that their talk will be overheard by someone uninvited, but just in case they leave Yari to watch for any possible eavesdroppers. Like Shouwa for example, who is spying for one of the ministers, Risshou and whom others already suspect as she's not really good at that as opposed to her actual job as a caretaker. They take their seats in the garden pavilion by the little waterfall and the long and heartful conversation starts. Kouryou voices his doubts about Keitou's appointment and as Taiki explains about his decision, he finally agrees, that indeed, there was no other choice as the rest of the courtiers are either uncooperative or incompetent. Or both at once, like previous deputy Shison who was not only dismissed but also place in the house arrest by the Minister of Fall. As Kouryou thinks that is all, the Taiki, as if knowing that this talk is long overdue, finally opens up to somebody. He shares his doubts and Kouryou's not only surprised but also shocked that at the very beginning even Risai was under Taiki's suspicion as he had no way to know if it really were the general's genuine efforts and wishes that brought him back home. Or maybe it was Asen plan all along? Maybe he had known something about Taiki's worsening condition in Hourai and wanted him alive so he used Risai and Taiki's relationship as a guise to get other kingdoms to the work for him? Taiki had no way to be sure, but still had to take that leap of faith and if by any chance it turned out that Risai was really working for Asen, then well… It would have been that both Gyouso and Taiki were basically screwed (his words, not mine). Fortunately, it all turned out well and as Risai did not pursue Taiki after his sudden disappearance with Kouryou, kirin could take one big sigh of relief and finally start trusting his companions. Kouryou included. Especially in Hakkei Palace, where almost everyone has to be seen as their enemy, for it's really easy to trust the wrong person and consequently fail, as far as their mission is concerned. As of now Taiki trusts no one apart from Kouryou. And with more and more people disappearing it's difficult in the long term to find someone useful and trustworthy. Also as so many years have passed, they had no way to know anything about Gyousou's whereabouts. In case he was kept somewhere in the palace, someone had to get in and investigate. And who better than Taiki himself whom others couldn't really harm, if they wanted to keep the throne empty, for if they lose their kirin, the fate of kingdom goes back into Tentei's own hands and all that's left for the subjects to do, is to wait for the new kirin to be born and king to be chosen when the former matures enough to do it. What's more, the lie about the new ruler would also serve the purpose of taking the Court's eyes from Risai's search. As it all depends on kirin's instincts and sensing the king's aura, no one can verify the truth before the factual ceremony of ascension takes place. And it is known that kirins can't escape their nature and no say in the choosing, they also aren't likely to lie about it (or something like that…). Nevertheless, Taiki does acknowledges the fact that he really underestimated the whole situation and did not expect it to be so complicated. Thus, the current troubles. Kirin is also quietly surprised at Kouryou confessing his doubts about the 'New King' lie, and apologize for to reassuring him earlier, for there was no occasion for them to speak openly as there was always some else around. He also says that his gaze often strays, but not toward the Inner Palace, but toward the north. And that’s where Risai is and presumably Gyousou, too… At the same time, as someone constantly interferes with his plans, he's intending to pay Asen a surprise visit. The faster, the better - like tonight, for example. Of course, Kouryou doesn't want to hear about Taiki going alone, but then is seemingly convinced that going together is no the best idea, as there is no law about kirin being forbidden from going to any part of the Royal Palace (King's private quarters included, whereas Kouryou being a simple bodyguard wouldn't go unpunished, if found. And as the access to Inner Palace, where Asen resides, is heavily restricted and as (thanks to Seirai telling him in the past) Taiki does know how to use the secret shortcuts, it’s better for him to go alone… So as Taiki sneaks out his mansion under the cover of the night, it’s no surprise that Kouryou actually plans to follow him, but at the last moment is stopped by Yari, who tells him that she is more suited to do it as she did it a few times before and was never caught. He agrees and it ends up with Yari shadowing their willful kirin. As she goes after him she can't help but compare his current personality with the stories she heard from Ganchou. Stories about kind-hearted, innocent and intelligent child full of curiosity and respect for his surroundings. On the other hand, the grown up version is overly cautious, distrustful to the point of being paranoid, secretive and calculating. Also prone to scheme and telling a lot of lies. Far from typical kirins, to be sure. And so much more interesting. As she sees one of the marionette-like servants watching she also hears a suspicious a dove-like sound. And discovers a beast perched just beneath the building rooftop, jisen - a bird-like youma that has the power to suck out people's souls out of their bodies. Yari did suspect that something like this could be responsible for the state of the palace servants and clearly disturbed she quickly runs after Taiki. To Taiki's surpise he finally does find Asen, but not in the main part of the Inner Palace, but (quiet incidentally, to tell the truth) in one of the inconspicuous building in the eastern palace. In the dimly-lit room Taiki watches him seating all alone and humming the certain well known song about the gruesome and sad fate of the foot soldier, and wondering if this is the perfect reflection of Asen's unwillingness to take up the mantle of leader. The man himself is fairly surprised to see Taiki in such a place, but quickly recovers and becomes his normal distant and sarcastic self. For a moment they talk, but as Taiki points out that he doesn't think that Asen rebelled against Gyousou purely out of envy and spite, Asen quickly cuts him off and asks what is he really doing here. To that Taiki says that he wants Asen to step up and actually rule the country, for its citizens need the government help to survive the winter and to restore at least some of the court's basic functions. He also requests for Seirai to be released and returned to his side, but fed up with his advisor's audacity Asen summons his guard to transport Taiki back to his quarters and says that nothing can resume without the documents that Seirai supposedly stole. As kirin is brought back to his mansion, enraged Chouun barges in demanding the explanation and for Taiki not to do anything without consulting him beforehand. They get into a serious argument and everyone suspects that from this moment the slighted minister will be openly hostile toward already hated Taiki who in turn is absolutely calm and shrugs it off. As does Asen throwing out the letter from Chouun in which the minister demands him to take a clear actions against Saiho. At the same time he notices that another one of his puppet has just become useless and needs to be dealt with. For they are quiet easy to make but much more difficult to keep usable for the long time. They may have the right spells to somehow weaken the symptoms of jisen-induced 'illness', it still spreads, albeit much slower, though it transforms infected person into a living corpse that can be easily manipulated. Just a moment later Rousan invites herself in and while they have a 'friendly' chat about this and that, Asen starts reminiscing about his rivalry with Gyousou and how it brought upon his fall from grace. How it all began and how became a living hell for Asen himself when quiet friendly rivalry changed into desperate race to outspeed his shadow. For people said they were so much alike, started comparing them and finally came to conclusion that Asen was Gyousou's shadow and not the other way around. And then when after disobeying the king's orders Gyousou resigned from his post and went away, Asen came to realize that their rivalry might had been strictly one-sided and that all his excitement and respect were never reciprocated in the first place. That to Gyousou he had never been a challenge he'd look forward to. It hurt, but so be it, his nemesis left the royal courts and would just be forgotten with Asen's humiliation and hate. But to no avail, for the king himself demanded Gyousou's return and the man did come back eventually. And it just deepened Asen's already deeply-rooted hatred for the man. But he did manage to keep a lid on his emotions, to stop them from overflowing. Then Gyousou was named a new king and all Asen could do was to curse his fear of getting this ultimate confirmation of Gyousou's superiority. But then he had a talk with Rousan who told him that it wasn't really preordained that it was Gyousou who was supposed to be king. As kirin is the creature of instinct and could only sense the aura of the person not their exact personality and as Asen and Gyosou were so much alike, then who knows. Maybe if Asen had decided to climb the Mt. Hou at the same time as his rival, then maybe just maybe he would had been chosen. That gave Asen some ideas and while he was sure that Rousan might had just been feeding up his delusions for her own purposes he could stop thinking what if. Now, in the hindsight, Asen thinks, it might had been because Rousan, who counted herself among the most trusted of Gyousou's people, started to hate kirin for taking her place as the side of her liege. Not that Rousan confirms his suspicions. Instead she tells him that even though she has deeper feelings for their lord, her curiosity and the need to know everything about the relationship between rulers and the Heaven trump it all. And as no one would give her this knowledge on the platter, she had to find for herself… She also tells Asen to follow Taiki's advice and start ruling, because Heaven might become impatient and take back Its hard-won blessing before he realizes it's too late. In the meantime humiliated and outraged Chouun who was ignored by his liege one time too many, proceeds to make Taiki's life even more difficult and appoints previously dismissed Shison as the minister directly responsible for Saiho's well-being. Everything to make him regret going against the Prime Minister and getting rid of a troublesome subordinate at the same time. For if Shison does unwittingly interfere with Taiki's plan out of misguided feeling of obligation to Chouun for 'saving' him, he will be punished for his mistakes and no one will connect his actions with chousai himself. As Chouun trashes his own office in the fit of rage, his assistant, Ansaku, quietly observes while making the plans of his own…

*** Meanwhile in Rin'u Risai withdraws from the investigation and spends all her time in temple stables seeking consolation by Hi'en's side. But then Kenchuu brings invitation from the Sekirin Temple head priest herself and Risai knows she can't reject it because the monastery is normally closed for common people. There they're welcomed by the leader, elder woman named Mokuu, and by her side they see a few residents from Rouan. Among them is the village elder and the boy Risai and the others met by the grave of the unnamed soldier. As it turns out, not long after the group left Rouan, Kaisei left for the Temple to report the villagers' alleged crime and as they went after him to and also made it to Sekirin, Mokuu thought it wise to invite other people involved. So the chief deputy the proceeds to explain everything. About half year after King's disappearance the residents of Rouan did indeed find a wounded soldier, who eventually turned out to be one of Gyousou's supporters but at that time every city and village guilty of harboring the fugitives was burned to the ground, so they had to keep quiet about it. The years went by, but the man never fully recovered as he recklessly forced his body to get better and repeatedly fell ill. At the end, when his condition started to worsen rapidly he lied to Kaisei and refused to take the medicine because it was too expensive, so his caretakers had no choice but to secretly put it into his meals and the boy mistook it for the poison. As the soldier died in the end and not long after that the two deserters made it to Rouan and described Gyousou's appearance they then came up with the story that if any of the kings supporters came to search for him they would tell that it most probalby had been him. On the other hand, if the followers of newly elected king suddenly arrived, they were to tell them, that there had not seen anyone suspicious. Everything to protect themselves from eventual accusations. And while Seishi's furious, Risai says that she does understand their way of thinking and doesn't hold the lie against them, emphasizing how it is the sages' duty to think about the king, country and its people and that there's nothing strange with commoners prioritizing their own survival. Then Mokuu reveals that there's something really suspicious about the announcement of Asen's ascension, because her usual informant (the one separate from her 'spy' network) sent her the message. She doesn't know who this person is, but their predictions and warnings always come true and the bird used to deliver those letters is an expensive and very rare one that someone can't simply buy as it's mainly by the courtiers. Therefore, there is still hope for Gyousou's followers. When Mokuu withdraws to her quarters and the people from Rouan leave, Risai is then approached by the woman (named Shunsui) she rescued from the bandits not so long ago. As it turns out, both she and Kenchuu belong to the group that survived the purge of Tetsui, that right after the uprising started searching for Gyousou's whereabouts in the vicinity of Mt. Kan'you after the attack on him and the cave-in that happened not long after the incident. And as gathering so much people would have only encourage unwanted suspicion, they went to Sekirin for help and under the guise continued their investigation. And it still continues as Tetsui citizens will never forget or abandon their savior. Unfortunately they haven't found any trace. To that Risai answer that if Gyousou knew, he would be grateful for the effort itself. On they way back to their base, the group discusses the need to move somewhere else, as they already have too many suspicions eyes looking their way. Risai takes Hi'en and flies to the city of Sokou, where Kyuusan resides. When there she asks him for help and he agrees to provide them a new safehouse in Seisai where no one will bother them. As they prepare to leave Rin'u, Kiitsu unexpectedly visits them. The frail woman accompanying him turns out to be the reason why the local Temple wasn't so eager to help them. Just around the time of Gyousou's disappearance woman was one of the refugees illegally going in and out of the Kan'you mine and one day witnessed something she and her friends weren't suppose to see. Sometime before the attack on the king the unknown soldiers had brought two suspiciously looking and gigantic wooden boxes into the mine. And the things inside were moving and causing the soldiers some distress. Not long after that the cave-in happened. The cave-in preceded by something that sounded like an unearthly howl of some kind of beast. Then some of the surviving soldiers came out running and saw the refugees. The unwanted witnesses had to be dealt with and the woman was the only survivor... When Kiitsu takes the woman back to the hiding place, Risai and Seishi shadows them as it seems that the men that followed the group back from Houyou's mansion still haven't left. They corner the men and after some questioning learned that Risai and her companions where suspected of trafficking the refugees since it's happening all over the province. People are being taken to the city capital by force to increase the number of the soldiers in the capital. And as they get no real training they are meant to be a cannon fodder during the eventual war. When they finally talks things through the men ask for some time to contact Houyou and promise to go back. *** In the meantime the capital city of Kouki is the witness to the personal tragedy of newly appointed Shison who no matter how hard he tries, can't seem to please kirin he's supposed to care for. For Taiki does not appreciate any of his gifts and stops any kind of Shison's initiative to make Saiho's mansion more livable place… As annoying as the whole situation is, Taiki can't just shut him out since it would probably result is Shison wailing and prostrating himself in front of the main gate. But even this whole performance can't distract Taiki from his plans to sneak out again. This time to investigate the heavily-guarded place around the gate leading to the eastern part of the Inner Palace. As they finish discussing their plan and go back to the mansion they're met with very displeased and agitated Juntatsu who begs Taiki to give him any kind of explanation, since he's not very keen on getting punished for the things he has no knowledge about. And with Heichuu and Shouwa mysteriously disappearing he's just too afraid and confused. As Taiki hesitates Yari assures him that it's ok to trust Juntasu as she got rid of every jisen in the mansion. Then they learn the truth about the beast's effect on people and how Yari suspects that even if Asen somehow got his hands on them, he couldn't and still can't fully control them and that results with random people becoming puppets and to hide this fact, Asen just has no other way but to make them his direct subordinates. Such a great number of infected people clustered in one place also results in the appearance of the miasma that pulls in even more beasts. And so the situation is gradually becoming worse and worse. As Yari and Kouryou leave Taiki for the meantime, they talk about the whole situation and how it's impossible to bring back some of the already infected people. The girl also explains that it was most probably Rousan who helped Asen, as she, just like Yari herself, comes form the tribe of people living out there in the Yellow Sea and undoubtedly knows a big deal about youma and their habits. Yari also makes Kouryou aware that the morality of the people living in the wasteland of Mt. Hou is so much different than that of normal kingdom's subject. Meaning they feel no special kind of obligation or loyalty toward king or their kirin and Yari herself decided to serve Taiki because she thought him interesting enough to follow. And so once again Taiki and his guards leave the mansion under the cover of the night, this time using the system of underground tunnels which Yari knows pretty well. On the way to the eastern palace the three of them get their hand on some weapons, as it is certain that they will meet some guards. As Yari and Kouryou engage in battle with the soldiers Taiki is force to seek the place alone and finally comes upon the prison cells and one of turns of to hold kirin's long-lost governess, Seirai, who was charged with stealing country registers and consequently imprisoned and tortured for information. But the cell is closed and there is no key in sight. Taiki spies the guard probably holding it and desperately tries to convince himself that he will be able to kill if necessary. He already did… Even if it was him just desperately trying to find his place in that other world, for there was that one and only person who made him feel safe and welcomed… He's also different than any other kirin and was never truly conditioned to abhor violence and blood like the others of his kind. After all, kirins do kill, just not by themselves. They use their servant beast to protect themselves or others close to them and the same time avoid dirtying their own hands. Nonetheless, it's still a murder. So killing someone directly shouldn't be that much different, in the first place… As Taiki proceeds with his plan and almost finishes of the guard, Kouryou and Yari come to his aid and he's spared from having to do the killing, but at the same time Kouryou criticizes him for hesitating, because the man would have died anyway, as he failed to stop the intruders and that usually means getting executed. And while freak-out Taiki tries to process it all, they have no time to spare, therefore he has to go see the prisoner. Then he's literally brought to tears when he sees the state Seirai is in. But malnourished, dirty and repeatedly tortured woman is strong and her spirit has not been broken. She's so happy to see her lord all grown up and well… She's also eager to share the information she possesses. Information which Asen's interrogators haven't been able to get out of her for the last seven years. She urges them to send someone to Ba Province, as that's where General Eishou's retainers hide. Taiki's desperate to get her out but Seirai understands that it's not possible, because if they did, Asen would know it was them. So Kouryou and Yari have no choice but drag their grieving charge back the way they came from. But as they make their escape, it occurs to them that if someone is suppose to get out of the Palace it has to be now, because later there'll probably be no way out. As Yari assures Kouryou that she will take care of Taiki, the man himself hesitates but his master urges him to go as it is the easiest way to actually get to contact Eishou with Kouryou being one of his former officers. So Kouryou leaves them and makes his way to Ganchou who'll help him get out of Kouki. Meanwhile Taiki and Yari go back safely to the mansion and the girl's wondering how the whole situation will turn out as they most certainly be questioned about tonight's happenings and the only person to save them from direct accusations is Taiki himself. Next day around noon, they are visited by Keitou and the one accompanying him is Shukuyou - the Minister of Summer. As they politely make their enquiries, Taiki calmly answers, that yes, he's aware of his guard disappearing and was just commence a search as lately Kouryou seemed quiet unwell and as Heichuu and Shouwa went and disappeared, Taiki suspects that the same thing must have happened to Kouryou and is really worried about him. After obtaining no useful information, Keitou and Shukuyou are readying to leave, when suddenly Asen shows up after clearly having taken a walk along the secret passage hidden in the gardens. Taiki calmly welcomes his king and urges him to take a seat and while at first they talk rather normally, Asen finally snaps. He grabs kirin and brutally throws him to the floor demanding Taiki to pledge himself to the King here and now. When Juntatsu tries to intervene he's stopped and as Keitou move in front of him to defend the servant from Asen's wrath, Taiki simply bows and swears an oath to his New King… And then kirin is swallowed by darkness. It hurts, hurts so much. Like his head is about explode. But he can make it. He has to, for so many were suffering when he killed them and he has no right to complain. No, it doesn't hurt at all… As the pain finally stops and Asen's leaving, Juntatsu kneeling over Taiki notices the blood in kirin's eyes. And still, it’s nothing, for his body was made by the Heaven itself and really, it doesn't hurt at all. As Gogetsu and Boushuku were lately transferred to guard the entrance to Taiki's mansion, they are equally confused as they are happy when they see Asen coming out. Especially the latter as that's the first time he actually sees his Kings with he own eyes. Gogetsu goes to escort his liege back to the Inner Palace and has a short conversation with him, during which he notices that Asen seems strangely dazed and clearly disturbed by something… After Asen goes back to his quarters, Rousan invited herself to accompany him and together they talk about what happened. The minister is surprised and somehow disappointed that Heaven actually seems to approve of Asen, but at the same time she doesn't hide her displeasure about Asen actually flying into rage after someone uncovered his shameful secret. The secret being imprisoned Seirai, who still successfully resists Asen's interrogations. So frustrated and furious Asen had to take it out on somebody and found his target in Taiki. Strangely enough it doesn't make Asen like Rousan any less, as she's the only honest person around and he really appreciates that. Thinking back Asen wonders about how his initial plan failed. How even if he never planned to kill Gyousou in the first place, how actually close it came to it, when the man entrusted with the mission to imprison the king went one step too far. How for all this time Asen's had no idea about what's was about to happen. Because he had to separate the king from his kirin and with Taiki by his side, horn sealed and unable to locate Gyousou, he was supposed get the support of the ministers. But Gyousou had disappeared somewhere below the pile of stones and Taiki was swept by meishoku to the other world… How close it came to utter failure… Fortunately for Asen both Gyousou and Taiki somehow made it and where nowhere to be found. But it still didn't give Asen the sense of peace he'd longed for. There was no escape from Gyousou as he became the shadow sitting on the throne of the rightful king. He had to go and make it so all of the evidence of Gyousou's existence were destroyed. So he mercilessly hunted down the king's supporters… And still it didn't make him feel good enough… As Asen bitterly laughs and points out that Gyousou would laughed, if he was here, Rousan says that Asen's wrong and that Gyousou was aware of him this whole time and never ignored him. For they are really much alike, both Asen and Gyousou. It's just that even long before Gyousou ascended to the throne, Asen had already lost himself in the pursuit of glory while serving the former king. And Gyousou never did… *** After a few days of no word, Risai and her companions suddenly get the message from Houyou, who's inviting them to her villa in the city of Hakurou. When they get there they discover that indeed, the Fu family, for quiet some time, has been gathering not only vagrants and refugees but also deserters from Gyousou's army. She was also getting ready for the inevitable fight and has produced a great amount of weapons of all kind. Along with flying beast and provisions to feed the small army she's been housing in her villas all around the country. She also explains that with the province's leader affected by the strange malady, it's been fairly easy to get away with so many things as long as one did nothing openly suspicious. Houyou also arranges for Risai to meet the official from the Ministry of Winter responsible for covering Houyou's tracks. Tonkou turns out to be even older that Risai suspected as he's been in his office long before since the formed king ascended and and has a great deal of knowledge about the happenings inside the provincial offices. He also emphasizes that with a person of the sufficient rank (meaning someone like Risai) it could be more that possible to lay a siege to the castle and actually take control of it. And if only Gyousou was there, gathering even more people and marching toward the capital, would be even more possible. But as he's not here, everything is still ready. They just need some to take the lead. Risai politely declines the offer, explaining that she wants to focus on finding their king and Houyou answers that they'll gladly wait. *** In the meantime the New Year came and went and as before no celebration took place, Chouun expects everything to go as planned. For he's sure that this time he'll actually be able to Ministers to agree to restrict Taiki's movement even more. To his surprise he finds the Throne Room already occupied and Asen sitting on the throne with Saiho by his side. Asen then proceeds to announce his incoming enthronement, criticizes the work of the court and demanding immediate improvements. Back in his office Chouun rages and makes a plan to make the others work for him, as he's not to blame of any of the mistakes made and Ansaku agrees, while privately commenting on his incompetence. Not long after that Boushuku is forced to let uninvited guest into Taiki's quarters and is calmly assured by Gogetsu that Ganchou is the most welcomed, which seems to be confirmed by Taiki's reaction. For kirin clearly moved and close to tears as he kneels beside his retainer even going as far as laying his head on Ganchou's shoulder. That unexpected display of affection shocks Boushuku as he's never suspect kirin to be so humane. And just a second later Taiki appoints Ganchou as his new bodyguard. Then he invites the former general to his mansion and they have a long conversation about Ganchou having no choice but stay at the court when the ones close to him were taken hostage, about being demoted and being looked down upon while living in the small quarters and taking care of Gyousou mount, Keito, being his only purpose… Fortunately his retainers were spared the same fate. Ones like Santou who was taken in by Hinken and appropriately looked after by him and Kisen. Santou himself being glad and thanking Heaven for making it possible for Ganchou to take his new post at Taiki's side. *** At the same time Risai and her companions with the addition of Sekirin priest, Sodou, brainstorm about possible routes Gyousou could have taken while escaping Mt. Kan'you. Finally they settle on going north, even if Gyousou taking the difficult and extremely dangerous and pilgrim trail seems very unlikely. As Risai along with Kyoshi, Seishi and Sodou leave for Mt. Takuou, Houto and Yotaku make further preparations for the move to the city of Seisai. The infamous trail turns out to be even more dangerous and exhausting than Risai expected but they finally arrive at Koutaku and along the way they find the evidence of soldiers coming through. As they make their way through the crowded city Risai is unexpectedly approached by a few men and recognizes one as Kiro from Sougen's corps. It turns out that a few years ago the general and his men made it to the local temple and are hiding there to this day. As a big religious centre, the city of Koutaku, turned out to be a good hideout as, the influence of the priests is bigger than the kingdom officials'. As Risai is reunited with her friends they talk about everything that's happened to this day and to her dismay she discovers that for all these years Sougen's people have searched for Gyousou and found nothing. Suddenly though Risai thinks what if their King never made it out of the bowels of Mt. Kan'you? What if he's still there? And as they discuss the possibilities they come to conclusion that it's almost certain that Gyousou's still there. For there is one youma big enough to fit into that secret wooden box and one that has the power to move the earth itself with its howls and it's called ririku… So, the preparations begin. They have to gather enough people and get rebels to help them dig through all the rubble to may a way and possibly locate Gyousou. *** For his part, Asen always knew that something could go wrong when he chose the scum like Ukou, to do the job. But as the man was vile and cruel, he was also extremely efficient. Asen was also terrified of the possibility of his men rejecting his plans. Was terrified of becoming even bigger failure than he already was. So he planned the whole thing himself and with the help of Rousan got his hand on the pair of boar-like ririku powerful enough to cause the cave-in. Unfortunately they was no way to test their abilities and the dying scream of the beasts turned out to be too much, for all the things Asen was planning. Yes, he wanted to imprison Gyousou in the bowels of Mt. Kan'you but with the way to actually to oversee the entire situation. But the cave-in had much bigger scale than he wanted and Gyousou fell into the abyss… Even after losing more than half of his men Ukou came back with the disgusting smile on his face, fiercely proud of almost finishing Gyousou off and getting the job 'well done'. For all this time Asen's live in fear of not knowing anything and expecting every day to be Gyousou's last. With time he cut himself off from his retainers and withdrew from politics holing up in the Inner Palace. Now he wonders if this has been Gyousou revenge, all along… *** Somewhere in the Bun Province there's abandoned village with only one family still living in their old home. Once a month the man takes his little daughter to the riverbank and together they make a small offering of the basket filled with little things. An offering for the dead. The girl doesn't understand as they already have almost nothing to eat and with her sister starving to death not even two months ago… Still the girl is somehow happy because, her father resuming the tradition of monthly offerings means that he's getting better. Even if just a little bit. The man apologizes to his daughter for his selfishness and tries to explain that it's all for the person who long, long time ago made sure that the citizens of certain city survived their king's wrath. For the descendants of those people never forgot about Gyousou's part in saving the city of Tetsui… And as the basket full of offering drifts right into the dark caves of Mt. Kan'you man has no idea that his gifts are being delivered to the right person. *** Gyousou himself made some unforgivable mistakes… He'd known that he'd most likely get into the trap, but he couldn't ignore the possibility that runaway chief of Tetsui really needed his help. He also thought that it might be his chance to get the actual prove that Asen was planning something, because he obviously couldn't get rid of the man basing on his suspicions alone. Unfortunately he gravely overestimated his own abilities while underestimating the opponents who almost got him killed. Never before had he felt so powerless and desperate. Then there was a cave-in and long days of total darkness. At first he wasn't able to even feel his limbs wondering if one or two or all of them were gone. Then came the pain and the with it the knowledge. His arms survived the fall almost intact but both of his legs were broken. Fortunately there was no one to hear his screams when he had to set his bones. When he was finally able to move he begin to explore the cave and while he found some things necessary to survive a few tunnels and there was a flowing water nearby, he couldn't find any way out. And he knew he must had fallen really deep since somewhere above his head was the hole that let light and rain in. But it was so far away. Despite all that he never gave in to fear and despair as he was the King. He simply couldn’t. There were also a little things that gave him strength to go on. Like an occasional food offerings that made it possible for him to survive al those years. There was also one big and clear sign that he still had the Heaven's blessing. For one day he found a single youma in these depths. And for all the time spent in the wasteland of the Yellow Sea, he does know how to catch a suugu. *** One day officer Yuushou is summoned in front of the King and entrusted with the mission to bring back the fallen one. After hearing that order and seeing Ukou, responsible for all this mess, Yuushou can't help feeling betrayed by his liege. On one hand he know that if any of the retainers had known at that time about their master's plan they would have tried to stop. On the other hand Yuushou wished that Asen had more faith in them and gave them that forbidden order instead of giving it to the vile man like Ukou. Still, he has no way but to prepare and go to Mt. Kan'you. Not long after, agitated Keitou arrives at Taiki's mansion and begs kirin to release him from his duties. Surprised Taiki says that he force the man to stay, but he at least want to know the reason for this sudden decision. As Keitou breaks down he says that he can't no longer serve the man like Asen. That getting away from his lord, made him see how he fooled himself and tried to convince himself that there must have been some good reason for Asen to actually get rid of Gyousou, as Keitou himself had nothing against him. And as the situation has become clear he can't just stay here and work for the usurper. Taiki for moment hesitates but then calmly explains that Asen's not the king and that's why he'll need Keitou assistance when the time comes. Meanwhile Ansaku is quietly observing as his superior still deludes himself that nothing is his fault and that he actually can get Taiki's forgiveness for going against him so many times. Because as the situation stands, after Asen coming back to politics and giving direct orders more and more courtiers started to come to Saiho's side as he finally was able to actively start helping the struggling citizens by opening provincial storages and giving the refugees to earn some money by helping with the rebuilding of the city. And so the little bit of sunlight actually reached the Kingdom of Tai through the dense winter clouds… BACK

[disasterhumans]

I’ve been thinking a lot about this arc, and what it means that it comes on the heels of the Iron Shepherd’s arc, and I have come to the conclusion that chasing after Fjord’s backstory/patron is the Worst Possible Storyline the Mighty Nein could have chosen to follow in the aftermath of the Iron Shepherd’s Arc as far as everyone’s mental/emotional well-being and moral inclinations are concerned.

As ever I have a million and one thoughts and accidentally wrote an essay, so the rest is below a cut.

There are some spoilers from episode 44, but they’re contained to a single paragraph which is marked at the beginning and end.

Jester, Fjord and Yasha’s kidnapping, and Molly’s death, were a huge catalyst that triggered a major shift in the group. It prompted Beau to begin questioning her moral standing, and how she approaches the world. It solidified Nott’s feelings of affection for the group, and got her to admit that she loved them. It also presented the first real moment we’ve seen her disagree with and push Caleb. It scared the shit of Caleb, and prompted him to actively consider leaving the group again (and potentially even Nott)--but it also proved how much he’s grown to care for the group, against his better judgement. For Caleb, the Iron Shepherd’s arc also led him into something of a backslide.

Fjord’s sense of responsibility for the group resulted in a huge amount of guilt, but his experience during the arc also prompted him to question the path he was on. Even without the letter about the orb, I think Fjord would have chosen to drop his quest to go to the Academy, and may have dedicated himself to finding ways to track down more information about his patron.

It’s still less obviously clear how much being kidnapped affected Jester, but it is clear that it did. And she hasn’t brought it up, and her friends have mostly not broached the subject. In the same way that Fjord takes responsibility for the group’s well-being, Jester takes responsibility for their happiness. And that means she ends up obfuscating and burying her own feelings. She experienced a small crisis of faith, but was not only renewed in it, but sent down a path to further amplify it.

And then, with everyone in various states of emotional and moral vulnerability, they immediately throw themselves into a Lovecraftian horror plot. And, yes, to some extent they accidentally tripped into the particulars of their circumstance. But even if their trip to the docks had gone smoothly and as planned, the road would have still led to Avantika eventually. And so we’re in the middle of Fjord’s story, with Nott genuinely wanting to provide unconditional support to her friends. And Caleb expressing a similar dedication, having recently come out of relying on tactics learned from Trent to a greater extent. And Beau is still cutting her teeth on the idea of wanting to leave places “better than she found them,” while also being generally ride or die for her friends. Meanwhile, Fjord is still experiencing a lot of guilt, and putting a lot of responsibility on his shoulders (and having a lot of responsibility thrust upon him by circumstance). But he’s also clearly scared of the thought that he’s “the leader,” and is not much more interested in holding that position than Caleb is/was. And Jester’s feelings for Fjord are growing, and she’s continuing to suppress any negative emotions.

The obstacles they encounter as they meet Avantika and are forced to join her crew end up pushing all of these buttons. Avantika knows what she’s doing, where she’s going, and far more about Uk’otoa than Fjord does. And leaving all else aside, the fact that Fjord is meeting someone who understands what’s happening to him is appealing, and perhaps even comforting. Between this and the fact that he’s the only sailor of the Nein, he effectively becomes the liaison between the group and Avantika, meaning that Fjord is both holding himself to extremely high expectations, and that he’s vulnerable to the group’s expectations of him. At the same time, Avantika brings out Jester’s jealousy (and I’m sure that once she caught onto it, Avantika was very deliberately riling Jester up), which in turn prompts Fjord to notice/more seriously consider the idea that Jester likes him. This puts Jester in a complicated position during this arc. She’s supportive of Fjord, and wants to help him on his journey--which means that she doesn’t want to get in the way of Fjord being with Avantika, if that’s what he really wants. Her jealousy both clouds her perception of what the dynamic between the two of them is, and prevents her from feeling like she can intervene. In the moments when Fjord could have used someone to check him on how his decisions might be impacting his own well-being, Jester may have felt like it wasn’t her place to speak up, or may have been unsure how to navigate those waters (pun mostly not intended).

Caleb, relatively fresh out of the crucible that was the Iron Shepherd’s arc, still has a lot of conflicted feelings. He hasn’t left the group, which means that in order to stay with the group he has convinced himself that they are crucial to him achieving his goals. This also means that beyond the passive deference he had with the group early on, especially post-episode 13, his deference to the group has become active. He doesn’t just go along with helping Fjord, he actively encourages him, and promises Fjord that the group is with him. He is constantly checking in and asking Fjord what he wants the next step to be. But as the group find themselves mired in a situation that is characterized by precarious power imbalances and manipulation, Caleb once again feels required to call upon his calculating tactics he learned in similar situations. He goes along with Fjord’s plans even where they might be morally questionable (because Caleb is truly Neutral in the sense that he seems not to care much one way or the other where morals are concerned), and offers up his skills without prompting (e.g. his Firebolt intimidation during their actual piracy). Caleb pushes Fjord to make calls that may be detrimental to Fjord’s mental/emotional well-being, because it serves the well-being of the group (and by extension, Fjord), in the long run.

[***Spoilers] As the situation gets more and more precarious, and they get pulled deeper into what is clearly turning into a power-quest for Fjord, Caleb reaches deeper into skills he feels he needs to survive the situation. And I think Fjord’s clear curiosity and interest in obtaining power emboldens Caleb in his own pursuits. The Blood Pact is a culmination of this tension--this arc has made it clear not only how far Fjord is willing to go, but also that Fjord understands what it means to rely on others to achieve his goals. I don’t think anyone who read that scene as Caleb being manipulative are wrong or off base. But it’s not at all possible that Fjord didn’t know what Caleb was doing. And in fact, I think the reason Caleb even approached the situation that way is because he knew Fjord would understand it and respect it. [Spoilers***]

Beau is in a complicated position during this arc. She’s simultaneously feeling supportive of her friend and his goals, and also working through her understanding of her own beliefs and outlook on the world. And I don’t think she realized that she might end up in a situation where those things were at odds with each other. Beau may not be inherently opposed to Fjord pursuing power, but I also think there’s a disinclination on Beau’s part to question Fjord’s actions, because she actually does trust him, and isn’t interested in “controlling” him. The situation also means she’s not really in a position to “leave places better than she found them.” The encounter at the docks was a disaster, and it did give her pause, and prompt her to reassess her actions. But then the group ended up effectively shanghaied, and robbed of agency in a rotation of shady/creepy situations and places. The best she could do at maintaining some control over her new moral path was committing to pirating a ship “non-violently” (or at least non-murderously), and choosing a mostly diplomatic solution (as far as pirates are diplomatic) to their Avantika Problem. Beau has not really had the capability of making choices during this arc, and has instead been perpetually backed into a place of reactivity. And Beau is a highly reactive person, and hasn’t yet worked on many solutions to problems that aren’t punching her way through them. (Also, as an aside: people sometimes make a lot of the fact that the Nein haven’t been leaving places better than they found them during this arc. But Beau is the only person who actually had this goal in mind, and I don’t think she has the capability right now to be the moral compass of the group, when she’s still sorting out what her moral compass is for herself.)

Though Cad’s general distaste for/fear of water is more recent, and manifests differently than Nott’s, I think it still gives the experience a rather negative color in Cad’s view. Though he does seem to enjoy encountering new things. Despite having been with the group for a relatively long time in-game, most of that time was spent travelling, and this is Cad’s first time Post-Shepherds seeing what the Mighty Nein look like when they’re backed into a corner. And while he’s grown to like and care for the assholes, the reality of what they’re like at their worst is also scary. Cad is off balance--he hasn’t hear from his goddess in a long time (up until the end of episode 43), and is feeling unmoored (pun totally intended that time). He also views the world with a lot of neutrality, so while he may object to explicitly Bad Deeds, his general response to them to simply put a Good Deed in its place (see: him caring for the crew, cooking food, and healing broken bones).

Lastly, Nott is having a terrible time. She is surrounded by her least favorite thing, with no chance at escaping it anytime soon, and with people who seem to entirely misunderstand how deep her fear runs (and the fact it really is a fear of water, not a fear of drowning). I’m not sure how much this is on Nott’s mind, but there is also a bitter irony to the fact that Nott similarly ready to confront her past, and is now instead surrounded by her worst nightmare. But she also Cares About Fjord, and loves the Mighty Nein, and that goes a long way for her. She’ll support Fjord in his pursuit, and she’s prepared to risk her life to do so. I think Nott would be more likely to speak up with objections to the group if there were any indication that her perspective would be respected, which despite Nott’s commitment to helping Fjord, she hasn’t really seen on his part. I wonder if the group had decided to pursue Nott’s past instead, if Fjord and Nott might have come to a better understanding of each other.

This arc has compromised everyone’s ability to make good moral judgments to some extent. By placing them in a situation where they have relatively little agency, it has also inflamed wounds left by the Iron Shepherd’s arc. The Mighty Nein are currently largely directionless, as far as morals go, but as a group are more dedicated to each other than ever. So in the absence of clearly aligned moral imperatives, their underlying creed has become protecting each other. This means they’ve been less inclined to question each other, or call each other on their actions when they seem to cross a line. This arc has, up until episode 44, been entirely about surviving. There’s no way of knowing whether the pursuit of anyone’s else past would have resulted in a similar dynamic, but this arc has seemed uniquely designed to make it as hard as possible to get through without wreaking emotional and moral harm on each other.

[enterlilith]

FOR MADDIE: PHYSICAL PRESENCE AND GESTURE = (8,12) DISPOSITION AND TEMPERAMENT = (14, 17) CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS = (24, 25) ACTIVITIES AND PREFERENCES = (31, 32) THINKING AND LEARNING = 33, 40) FREE FOR ALL = (41)

 42  CHARACTER  DEVELOPMENT  QUESTIONS      /      ACCEPTING

 8,      WHERE  AND  WHEN  DO  THEY  SEEM  MOST  AND  LEAST  AT  EASE?      WHY?      HOW  CAN  YOU  TELL?

 it’s  not  claustrophobia,      but  madeline  gets  clearly  upset  and  restless  if  she  is  confined  or  otherwise  limited  to  closed  spaces.      she  already  radiates  a  great  deal  of  restless  energy,      almost  like  electricity,      but  when  she  feels  like  her  movements  have  to  be  numbered  or  calculated,      she  seems  to  vibrate  more  and  to  move  around  a  lot  more,      not  really  interested  in  adhering  to  the  economy  that  is  asked  of  her.      she  is  at  ease  the  most  if  she  feels  like  she  is  in  her  element,      and  for  her  that  means  in  the  streets  with  good  company,      navigating  nightlife  in  busy  big  cities  or  when  taking  nocturne  trains,      which  is  very  much  an  activity  that  soothes  her  a  great  deal.      madeline  appreciates  having  a  lot  to  see,      sensory  overload  is  something  that  she  seeks,      while  blank,      closed  spaces  unnerve  her  a  little  bit  more  than  it  should  for  not  offering  what  she  wants.

 12,      HOW  ARE  THEY  BODILY  EXPRESSIVE?      HOW  DO  THEY  USE  NONVERBAL  CUES  SUCH  AS  THEIR  POSTURE,      STANCE,      EYES,      EYEBROWS,      MOUTHS,      AND  HANDS?

 she  is  extremely  expressive,      face,      body,      posture,      everything  shows  her  hand  and  she  is  not  very  concerned  about  it.      madeline  is  very  transparent,      it’s  like  you  can  see  through  her  most  of  the  time  because  she  doesn’t  make  an  effort  to  curb  her  body  language  or  the  way  she  conveys  what  she  is  feeling.      even  though  she  is  mostly  relaxed  in  some  sort  of  a  cool,      nice  girl  kind  of  way,      she  has  very  intense  body  language  from  the  way  she  moves  her  mouth  when  she  talks  to  the  fact  that  she  bites  her  fingers  and  back  of  the  hand  often  in  different  contexts.      madeline  has  a  lot  of  energy  so  she  spends  it  generously  when  she  is  interacting  with  others  and  herself  as  well,      not  consciously  but  because  she  is  not  ashamed  to  be  expansive  or  to  draw  attention  most  of  the  time,      it’s  just  not  a  concern  in  her  book.

 14,      WHAT  DO  THEY  CARE  DEEPLY  ABOUT?      WHAT  KIND  OF  LOYALTIES,      COMMITMENTS,      MORAL  CODES,      LIFE  PHILOSOPHIES,      PASSIONS,      CALLINGS,      OR  SPIRITUALITY  AND  FAITH  DO  THEY  HAVE?      HOW  DO  THESE  TEND  TO  BE  EXPRESSED?

 madeline  has  nothing  of  the  sort,      not  really.     one  of  the  themes  and  concepts  that  are  recurring  to  her  as  a  character  is  the  fact  that  she  is  fundamentally  unstructured,      loose  and  lost  in  the  world,      the  only  aspect  that  is  permanent  in  her  life  and  unlife  is  that  she  is  in  a  state  of  free  fall.      she  is  constantly  juggling  many  interests,      jobs,  hobbies  and  allegiances  but  none  of  them  seem  to  be  able  to  hold  her  down  for  long,      they  are  phases  according  to  what  she  wants  to  pursue  and  hold  dear  at  the  time.      madeline  never  had  the  experience  of  religion,      she  is  not  tied  to  blood  relations,      not  even  that  of  her  sire,      her  moral  compass  is  easily  bendable  according  to  her  condition  and  necessities  in  the  world      (cue  the  fact  that  she  sees  herself  in  the  position  of  symbiotic  creature  with  humans  because  she  needs  their  blood  to  live  and  that  is  not  intrinsically  bad  in  her  book),      she  has  no  true  passion  or  calling  but  a  fragmented  array  of  little  excitements  that  make  up  her  whole  approach  to  what  she  does  for  a  living  and  how.      perhaps,      the  one  thing  that  prevents  her  from  going  too  wild  is  the  fact  that  she  makes  sure  to  follow  humanity  even  though  she  doesn’t  belong  there,      again.      even  then,      following  humanity  is  not  a  moral  choice  or  preoccupation  but  a  practical  decision  that  helps  her  blend  in  and  be  allowed  to  enjoy  whatever  she  wants  in  the  world  without  being  ostracized  or  flat  out  destroyed  for  losing  control  of  the  beast  too  much.

 17,      ARE  THEY  MORE  SHAPED  BY  NATURE  OR  NURTURE  —  WHO  THEY  ARE,      OR  WHAT  HAS  HAPPENED  TO  THEM?      HOW  HAVE  THESE  SHAPED  WHO  THEY’VE  BECOME  AS  A  PERSON?

 it  was  all  a  question  of  upbringing  and  it  did  affect  not  only  who  she  became  but  the  nature  of  several  issues  that  she  has  to  deal  with  after  she  is  embraced.      madeline  was  passed  down  from  household  to  household  like  an  unwanted  heirloom,      an  inherited  issue  in  the  subconscious  after  her  mother  passed  away  and  because  of  that,      her  concept  of  a  permanent  home  died  well  before  she  grew  into  her  formative  years.      the  fact  that  no  one  wanted  to  claim  her  as  their  own  was  something  that  would  later  come  back  to  haunt  her  and  seep  through  the  cracks  of  every  kind  of  relationship  she  would  ever  have  in  life  or  unlife.      madeline  would  have  to  sleep  in  different  beds,      play  with  different  cousins,      eat  different  meals,      run  free  in  town  as  she  liked  and  know  places  by  herself.      childhood  was  an  experience  in  exploration  by  herself  and  if  she  noticed  that  no  one  fussed  about  the  way  she  dressed  or  ate,      it  was  with  the  corner  of  her  eye,      unfazed,      an  attitude  that  became  commonplace  in  adulthood  as  well.      everything  was  temporary,      always  very  temporary,      and  a  girl  could  get  used  to  it.      the  way  she  was  handled  as  a  child  and  adolescent  shaped  the  way  she  built  herself  as  an  adult  and  the  kind  of  peculiarities  she  carried  into  unlife  like  the  completion  anxiety,      the  severe  untreated  adhd  that  dictates  her  lifestyle  and  the  fact  that  she  was  immortalized  as  someone  constantly  on  the  move  thinking  of  everything  as  temporary;      and  that  is  something  she  is  not  able  to  dodge  or  change,      at  least  not  until  she  reaches  golconda.

 24,      HOW  DO  THEY  PRESENT  THEMSELVES  SOCIALLY?      WHAT  DISTINGUISHES  THEIR  “PERSONA”  FROM  THEIR  “TRUE  SELF”,      AND  WHAT  CAUSES  THAT  DIFFERENCE?

 there  is  no  distinction,      madeline  is  as  genuine  as  they  come  in  terms  of  social  interactions,      so  much  that  she  is  unable  to  hide  the  bulk  of  what  she  is  feeling,      she  is  quite  transparent  in  this  sense.      she  presents  herself  as  she  is,      outgoing  and  easygoing,      sometimes  a  little  bit  shallow  though  that  is  done  on  purpose,      a  very  positive,      hyperactive  and  hardworking  girl  that  can  be  a  bit  kooky  at  times;      she  is  an  all  around  ride  or  die  kind  of  person  and  it  shows,      it’s  very  clear.      she  makes  no  effort  to  hide  or  change  anything  about  herself  in  fact  of  others,      it’s  just  counterproductive  and  quite  frankly  unnecessary  to  the  kind  of  unlife  that  she  wants  to  live.

 25,      WHAT  DO  THEY  NEED  AND  WANT  OUT  OF  RELATIONSHIPS,      AND  HOW  DO  THEY  GO  ABOUT  GETTING  IT?

 relationships,       at  first,      are  not  a  primary  concern  to  madeline,      her  treatment  of  them  is  as  loose  and  blurry  as  her  approach  to  her  lifestyle,      but  it  begins  to  narrow  down  into  something  a  little  more  palpable  with  the  passing  of  time  and  growth  of  sentiment.      the  bottomline  is  madeline  wants  to  love  and  be  loved  and  she  is  not  ashamed  of  that  in  the  slightest,      as  in  so  many  other  instances  in  her  life  and  unlife.      this  is  not  a  question  of  needs  but  wants,      and  no  matter  how  slim  the  chances  of  being  offered  that,      she  enjoys  the  certain  degree  of  stability  that  some  relationships  provide  her,      even  if  that  stability  and  structure  is  temporary  as  well.      there  is  a  contradiction  in  her  approach  to  structured  relationships  because  she  craves  it  at  the  same  time  that  she  needs  to  be  free  to  move  on  her  own  terms  according  to  what  her  vampiric  nature  dictates,      which  is  the  main  reason  her  long-term  relationships  are  doomed  to  fail  if  the  other  person  cannot  understand  that.      most  of  the  time,      her  loved  ones  are  unable  or  unwilling  to  keep  up  with  her  chaotic  pace,      which  is  how  she  thrives  as  a  person  in  the  world,      and  madeline  is  forced  to  sooner  or  later  leave  them  behind,      or  have  them  ditch  her  first,      if  she  is  involved  enough  to  let  that  happen.      for  that  reason,      she  is  prone  to  favor  casual  things,      though  she  is  not  afraid  to  risk  this  comfortable  state  in  the  slightest  and  will  not  hesitate  to  dive  headfirst  into  someone  if  she  is  interested  enough  in  them  and  the  sentiment  is  mutual.

 31,      IS  THERE  ANYTHING  THAT  COUNTS  AS  A  “DEALBREAKER”  FOR  THEM,      POSITIVELY  OR  NEGATIVELY?      WHAT  MAKES  THINGS  GO  SMOOTHLY,      AND  WHAT  SPOILS  AN  ACTIVITY  OR  RUINS  THEIR  DAY?      WHY?

 it’s  quite  difficult  to  ruin  her  mood  or  spoil  things  for  her,      madeline  has  a  very  thick  skin  in  terms  of  resistance  to  negativity  and,      in  general,      she  is  used  to  have  things  go  smoothly  because  she  adapts  and  overcomes  faster  than  anyone  else.      perhaps  her  only  dealbreaker  concerns  disruption  or  obstruction  of  freedom  or  personal  boundaries  both  for  herself  and  others,      regardless  of  her  affection  for  them  or  lack  thereof.      this  is  something  she  reinforces  for  everyone  and  not  just  herself  or  her  relationships.      madeline  has  a  very  healthy  approach  to  sexuality,      for  instance,      so  whatever  happens  that  disrupts  someone’s  sexual  freedom  or  rights  is  bound  to  upset  her  to  no  end.

 32,      DO  THEY  HAVE  ANY  “PROPS”  THAT  ARE  A  SIGNIFICANT  PART  OF  THEIR  LIFE,      IDENTITY,      ACTIVITIES,      OR  SELF-PRESENTATION  SOMEHOW?      WHAT  ARE  THEY,      HOW  ARE  THEY  USED,      AND  WHY  ARE  THEY  SO  SIGNIFICANT?      HOW  WOULD  THESE  PROPS’  ABSENCE  IMPACT  THEM,      HOW  WOULD  THEY  COMPENSATE,      AND  WHY?

 madeline  is  quite  detached  from  her  material  possessions,      she  owns  very  little  and  what  she  owns  is  not  held  with  special  care  beyond  necessity,      with  the  honorable  exception  of  the  photographs  that  she  takes;      those  are  her  only  prized  possessions.      however,      madeline  routinely  wears  trench  coats  and  overcoats  with  many  pockets  so  she  is  able  to  carry  a  plethora  of  items  in  them  without  too  much  trouble,      such  as  but  not  limited  to  her  trademark  glass  pebbles,      whatever  documents  necessary  for  whatever  activity  and  her  trusty  white  lighter,      anything  compact  enough  that  needs  to  be  carried  around  for  a  purpose.      it  began  as  a  practical  alternative  to  having  to  carry  her  backpack  everywhere,      but  with  the  passing  of  time  it  became  a  little  bit  more  than  that,      sort  of  something  that  she  incorporated  into  her  identity  and  how  she  presents  herself,      so  much  that  it  should  be  quite  strange  to  see  her  out  in  the  streets  without  an  overcoat.      in  addition  to  that,       madeline  takes  her  corgi  nikko  with  her  everywhere.      he  is  not  a  prop,      but  the  two  are  absolutely  inseparable  and  if  one  is  seen  around,      the  other  is  bound  to  be  nearby  as  well,      to  the  point  that  nikko  is  the  one  who  watches  over  her  body  during  the  day.      if  it’s  already  uncanny  to  see  madeline  not  sporting  an  overcoat,      madeline  seen  without  nikko  is  almost  uncharacteristic  of  her.

 33,      HOW  DO  THEY  LEARN  ABOUT  THE  WORLD–WHAT  IS  THEIR  PREFERRED  LEARNING  STYLE?

 madeline  is  a  bit  of  an  empiricist,      she  prefers  to  learn  things  through  experiencing  them,      very  hands-on  kind  of  trial  and  error  process,      it’s  how  she  internalizes  things  better.      she  is  not  very  good  with  standardized  learning  methods  and  prefers  to  be  left  to  her  own  devices  in  this  sense,      pure  theory  eludes  her  if  she  is  not  given  practical  knowledge  and  opportunities  to  develop  it  by  herself.      for  that  reason,      she  is  very  much  someone  who  would  rather  learn  working,      and  her  fields  of  interest  reflect  that  a  little  bit;      madeline  is  prone  to  take  interest  in  areas  that  she  can  get  the  hang  of  on  the  go,      figuring  it  out  as  she  works  with  it  and  experiences  it  with  the  real  context  of  the  world  as  a  backdrop.

 40,      WHAT  DO  THEY  WONDER  ABOUT?      WHAT  SPARKS  THEIR  CURIOSITY  AND  IMAGINATION,      AND  WHY?      HOW  IS  THIS  EXPRESSED,      IF  IT  IS?

 just  about  anything  can  draw  her  attention  as  easy  as  it  can  lose  it,      so  this  is  quite  the  tricky  question  for  someone  as  fickle  as  madeline.      she  displays  interest  in  a  wide  variety  of  subjects,      areas  and  concepts  in  the  world,      but  doesn’t  seem  to  limit  herself  to  them  or  to  want  to  go  deep.      she  is  more  tuned  to  the  present  and  to  practical  things,      immediate  satisfaction,      things  that  she  is  able  to  touch  or  witness.      introspection  is  rarely  done  and  she  avoids  it  considering  that  if  she  stays  too  long  dwelling  in  her  own  mind,      things  could  go  very  sour  very  fast  as  she  has  to  deal  with  the  beast,      the  network  and  her  derangements  at  the  same  time.      madeline  keeps  physically  busy  in  order  to  not  have  too  much  time  to  give  leeway  to  whatever  pops  in  her  head  without  her  consent.      her  whole  knowledge,      wisdom,      curiosity  and  even  the  lapses  of  lucidity  are  very  inclined  to  practicality  and  fruits  of  things  she  lived  rather  than  result  of  abstractions.      that  is  not  to  say  that  she  is  incapable  of  abstractions;      she  simply  doesn’t  want  to  deal  with  it.

 41,      WHAT  ASSOCIATIONS  DO  THEY  BRING  TO  MIND?      WORDS  OR  PHRASES,      IMAGES,      METAPHORS  OR  MOTIFS?      WHY?

 as  mentioned  before,      madeline’s  themes  deal  a  lot  with  the  fact  that  she  has  no  structure  and  that  she  is  lost  and  loose,      in  constant  state  of  free  fall  without  anyone  to  claim  her.      the  danish  word  særling  describes  her  best,      and  it’s  used  to  describe  someone  eccentric,      an  oddball,      a  little  weirdo;      canonically,      she  has  been  described  both  as  wild  card,      eye  of  the  storm  and  loose  cannon  in  the  thread  of  fate  as  well.      furthermore,      madeline’s  most  common  imagery  includes  pink  skin,      blood  oranges,      nocturne  train  trips,      ghosts  traveling  along  the  railroads,      mild  pyromania,      flickering  incandescent  lamps,      the  concepts  of  wearing  rose-colored  glasses,      street  smarts,      jack  of  all  trades  but  master  of  none  and  thriving  when  overcome  with  busy  nightlife  or  sensory  overload.

[chiseler]

The Madness of Ken Russell

Critical thinking in Britain has always taken the view that Ken Russell was a wild, ill-disciplined talent who ultimately went artistically mad: this was also the view in the film industry. The only major disagreement was about when he went from being merely excessive to being balls-out crazy: different parties chose different tipping points.

(WAIT! WHO CARES ABOUT CRITICS?)

(Bear with me: in Russell’s case, the critical consensus serves as a valuable reverse barometer.)

Russell, a suburban boy, former merchant seaman and Catholic convert, made a few brilliant short films with his wife and fellow genius, costume designer Shirley Russell, before landing a job at the BBC’s flagship arts program, Monitor. His stint here taught him to fight, and placed him under the stern patronage of producer Huw Weldon, probably the only authority figure he ever respected. Many good fights were enjoyed. When Russell joined the program, there was an absolute ban on dramatization and re-enactment: the most he was allowed was to show a composer’s hands at the piano. By the time he finished up on the show, he’d managed to twist it out of shape to the point where he’d been allowed to make complete dramatic works in the guise of documentary. These TV plays are highly cinematic, kinetic and bold: like Kubrick, Russell had a love of both stark symmetry and dynamic movement. Control and its opposite.

Russell found actors he liked, including Oliver Reed, with whom he enjoyed a strange kinship: both were heavy drinkers, both affected a casual attitude to their work, though Russell was never ashamed to call himself an artist. Ollie became the John Wayne to Russell’s Ford (in a roiling, nightmare vision of classical cinema).

The point when Russell moved out of TV is the first moment his detractors choose to mark his decline into self-indulgent craziness. He made a modest, eccentric comedy, French Dressing (with mounds of inflatable girls piled up like Holocaust victims) and a wild, idiosyncratic spy movie, The Billion Dollar Brain, a Russophile anti-Bond movie full of flip humor and Eisenstein homages. Critics saw these films as work-for-hire, as perhaps they were, and largely discount them. They are quite brilliant.

Women in Love is counted by others as the last pre-madness film, and its relative sanity can be attributed to the control exerted by its writer-producer Larry Kramer. Russell’s excesses are held in check, it is argued, and the tension between its creators was productive. It’s a very good film, but I find it too sedate in places, though the vivid color and Shirley Russell’s bold designs, and some scenes of genuine wildness and invention stave off actual boredom.

The Music Lovers, his dream project, expanding the TV composer film to the big screen and color, is where a real case for craziness begins to be made: the choice to explore Tchaikovsky’s homosexuality now seems mature rather than lurid, but Ken is undeniably pushing the biopic into unfamiliar terrain: fantasies of decapitation by cannon-shot, a filthy madhouse, a demented honeymoon on a train rocking like the Starship Enterprise, complete with crotch shots. Maybe even worse, from the critics’ viewpoint, Russell, who had directed one TV commercial before walking away from that business in disgust, co-opted the visual language of the shampoo commercial to depict the images conjured by the composer’s music. Russell was in love with romanticism but saw through it too. Ironically, the filmmaker constantly castigated for unsubtlety injected an irony into the film that critics missed, taking the soppiness at face value and not seeing how the concealed satire blended perfectly with the overt caricature and phantasmagoric visions.

Still, the subject was respectable, but with The Devils, Russell managed a film maudit that took decades to be reappraised, and earned him criticism of a uniquely vociferous sort, admittedly in keeping with the hysteria of the film itself. An account – or channelling – of a 16th Century witchcraft trial in France, the movie didn’t so much push as cremate the envelope as far as sex, violence and blasphemy were concerned: Russell, who had converted to Catholicism in his youth, lost his faith while making this one, converting to an animist worship of the Lake District, a religion of his own devising. Well, he did have a substantial ego.

Russell was upsetting: apart from the torture, abuse and madness, the film threw in discordant tonal shifts, creative anachronisms and deployed all of his cinematic influences, which prominently featured Orson Welles, Fellini, Fritz Lang’s German silents, and the musicals of Busby Berkeley, which supplied the top-shots used to depict the rape of Christ on the cross, a scene cut by the censor and lovingly preserved by the director for a future restoration, still explicitly forbidden by the film’s backers, Warner Brothers.

Asides from his crisis of faith and crises in his marriage and his dealings with the studio, Russell was also knocking back the wine. “Better before lunch,” was his prop man’s characterization of the director. Production designer Derek Jarman recounted Russell asking him, “What can I do that’ll really offend the British public?” “Well you could kill a lot of people,” mused Jarman, “but if you really want to upset them you could kill some animals.” A plan was then devised to have King Louis with a musket blowing the heads off the peacocks on his lawn: the birds were to be fitted with explosives at the neck, like Snake Plissken, but Russell backed away from this extreme, even by his standards, approach, and instead had the target practice performed with a man dressed as a blackbird, and the King saying “Bye-bye, blackbird,” and Peter Maxwell-Davies’ remarkable score quoting the popular twenties song, and that infuriated the critics just as much as actual bird-blasting would have.

Less amusingly, Russell was also guilty of unsafe practices involving the naked girls and rowdy extras: the stories here get really dark. As does the film: a demented masterpiece that shows Russell for once engaging with the political: a film about corruption that uses physical disintegration alongside social and spiritual rot.

Just to confuse us even more, Russell made The Boy Friend the same year, an epic music and a miniature at the same time, allowing him to recreate Busby Berkeley’s pixilated fantasias in a seedy English theater. It’s light and charming, but Russell’s version of these qualities was not recognized by the critics, and it’s true that his wit is clodhopping, his whimsy grotesque, everything is overplayed, in your face: but you have to climb aboard the film, get into its spirit, and then it really is a very lovely reversal of the usual nightmare.

The seventies brought more composer films, Mahler and Lisztomania, and also the rock opera Tommy, which earned Russell slightly better reviews as his boisterousness was judged more in keeping with the material (critics, it seemed, could not stand the idea of a filmmaker responding to classical music for its passion and energy, its rock ‘n’ roll qualities, rather than for its assumed civilising effect). Russell got away with showing Ann-Margret humping her cushions while slathered in feculent chocolate sauce, shot Tina Turner with a 6mm lens to uglify her as she thrashed around a steel sarcophagus studded with hypos, and put Elton John on ten-foot platform shoes.

Lisztomania is another movie that’s seen as marking the decline into lunacy: its producer, David Puttnam, hugely impressed by Russell’s flare and his ability to shoot Mahler after half the budget fell through, felt that ultimately the relentless negative press knocked his enfant terrible off-balance. Instead of rolling over in submission, Russell perversely doubled down on the excess and became a parody of himself. And he had already been a parody to begin with (but a parody without an original, unless we take him as a combined burlesque of all his cinematic influences). I’ve always adored Lisztomania, which knows it’s going too far, knows its japes and conceits are ludicrous and indefensible, knows it can’t get away with Roger Daltrey as Liszt and Ringo Starr as the Pope. And just. Doesn’t. Care.

Valentino, which marked the end of the Russell marriage (there would be a bunch more), was dismissed by Russell as the fag-end of his first British period, “everything about it was bored and boring, including me,” but it’s actually rather good. Nureyev as Valentino (well, he was used to being called Rudolph), Russell as Rex Ingram wielding a megaphone the size of a cannon. The twenties, as lived by Rambova, Dorothy Arzner, Fatty Arbuckle, or as dreamt by Mad Ken.

Russell had made his career in Britain at a time when the industry was in collapse: he largely missed the explosion of energy that marked Swinging London, the British new wave, and the only kitchen sink he liked was the one he was always throwing in. Now, the domestic business seemed to have expired of ennui, senile dementia and blood poisoning, but Hollywood beckoned. Russell was bottom of a long list of directors who all turned down Paddy Chayefsky’s Altered States, a late-mid-life crisis film about sensory deprivation tanks and psychedelics which takes John C. Lilley and fuses him with Dr. Jekyll. Russell took it on despite being forbidden from changing a line of dialogue, but got his revenge by having his actors speak fast -- like Jimmy Cagney fast, not so much throwing away their lines as firing them like tennis balls. And by having them eat at the same time. And by expanding the hallucination sequences until they took over the movie, so that they were all anyone talked about. Druggie audiences would hang out into the lobby, Russell gleefully reported, posting a sentry in the auditorium who would yell “Hallucination!” whenever one was starting, and everyone would rush back in to get a hit of audiovisual delirium.

A bit like Women in Love, Altered States benefited from the creative clash between director and writer (who took his name off the script in protest at Russell’s backhanded fidelity), but the reaction among respectable types was mainly a theatrical eye-roll: the maniac was up to his old tricks. Crimes of Passion, starring Kathleen Turner and Anthony Perkins, was next, with she as a Belle de Jour career girl by day, working girl by night, he as an insane sex-obsessed preacher, some forgettable soap opera type as leading man, the whole thing soaked in neon colors and spliced full of Bearsley and Hokusai, whom the American censor duly deleted in horror. “They cut out anything to do with art,” observed the filmmaker.

And that was it for America, save occasional pieces for HBO, progressively more televisual, the locked-off symmetrical winning out over the kinetic. Russell returned to the UK to make theatrical features, and again you heard the cry off “Whatever happened? He used to be good!” Gothic dealt with Byron and the Shelleys and the birth of Frankenstein, and was fruity, literate, dirty good fun. The Rainbow was a return to Women in Love territory, on a lower budget and with less energy and star wattage: Russell declared it his best film since that imagined zenith, and a few critics wanly agreed. The Lair of the White Worm was another journey beyond the pale, thrusting some of the same actors into a ludicrous vampire and snake goddess phallic farrago with Hugh Grant and a kilted Peter Capaldi attempting to snakecharm with bagpipes. A vampirized policeman gets his head impaled on a deco sundial. Marvelous. And the sequence was rounded out with Salome’s Last Dance, which stages Oscar Wilde’s biblical wet dream in a Victorian brothel, an inspired no-budget solution and a film which, unlike Altered States, really respects its words, lingering over them, rolling them salaciously over its tongue. Add in also Ken’s episode of Aria, in which he stages Nessun Dorma as an accident victim’s operating room hallucination, with porn mag model Linzi Drew, a new Russell favorite, in the lead.

Time was running out, the budgets shrinking like a Fu Manchu death chamber, the ceiling pressing down and clearly constraining what Russell could achieve, despite his continuing ambition. Lady Chatterley’s Lover for the BBC scored huge ratings, and he was never asked back. Commercial television’s top arts programme, The South Bank Show, run by Russell’s old screenwriter from Women in Love, Melvyn Bragg, kept him going with more-or-less annual commissions: he’d come full circle, or did when he moved back to home movies, shot in his garden or in his favorite Soho pub, which he hoped to “flog on the internet.” The symmetry of the career, its ourobousness, is more pleasing to contemplate than it must have been to live, though the last marriage lasted and was happy, and the ever-moving critical pendulum had reached the place where people were starting to say that The Devils and some of the other seventies work was really good, actually.

I can admire everything up until the final home movies, and maybe I’ll come round to them: Russell was right to admire all his earlier films. He spent decades more or less brushing off French Dressing, then saw it on TV and thought, “This is a masterpiece!” which it is. But only a minor one compared to what was those around it. Seaside-postcard humor, musical comedy performances, pop art imagery, Wagnerian and Stravinskian soundtracks, a defiant rejection of subtlety. “I don’t believe there’s any value in understatement […] This is the age of kicking people in the balls and telling them something and getting a reaction […] Picasso was not restrained, Mahler was not restrained!’” His detractors thought he should be, possibly in a straitjacket and with megadoses of Thorazine, but Russell was a volcanic eruption in cinematic form, a purple-faced tyrant of the Stroheim school, a demonic force driven to possess reels of celluloid and make them glow in the dark with a sugar rush radiation that has yet to decay. He was too big, too vulgar, too beautiful, too nasty and too beautiful for a national cinema mired in lethargic literary-theatrical respectability. “The visual arts have never had a foothold in England,” he sneered.

Ken!

Life is not a Ken Loach movie. It is a Ken Russell movie.

by David Cairns

[arizonagirldiary]

Letter from Birmingham Jail

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

King’s famous “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” published in The Atlantic as “The Negro Is Your Brother,” was written in response to a public statement of concern and caution issued by eight white religious leaders of the South. It stands as one of the classic documents of the civil rights movement.

I share with you this excerpt:

“While confined here in the Birmingham city jail, I came across your recent statement calling our present activities “unwise and untimely.” Seldom, if ever, do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas. If I sought to answer all of the criticisms that cross my desk, my secretaries would be engaged in little else in the course of the day, and I would have no time for constructive work. But since I feel that you are men of genuine good will and your criticisms are sincerely set forth, I would like to answer your statement in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.

I think I should give the reason for my being in Birmingham, since you have been influenced by the argument of “outsiders coming in”

I am in Birmingham because injustice is here …I am cognizant of the interrelatedness of all communities and states. I cannot sit idly by in Atlanta and not be concerned about what happens in Birmingham. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. Never again can we afford to live with the narrow, provincial “outside agitator” idea. Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider…

We have waited for more than three hundred and forty years for our God-given and constitutional rights. The nations of Asia and Africa are moving with jetlike speed toward the goal of political independence, and we still creep at horse-and-buggy pace toward the gaining of a cup of coffee at a lunch counter. I guess it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say “wait.” But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate-filled policemen curse, kick, brutalize, and even kill your black brothers and sisters with impunity; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six-year-old daughter why she cannot go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her little eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see the depressing clouds of inferiority begin to form in her little mental sky, and see her begin to distort her little personality by unconsciously developing a bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five-year-old son asking in agonizing pathos, “Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?”; when you take a cross-country drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading “white” and “colored”; when your first name becomes “nigger” and your middle name becomes “boy” (however old you are) and your last name becomes “John,” and when your wife and mother are never given the respected title “Mrs.”; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of “nobodyness”–then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait. There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over and men are no longer willing to be plunged into an abyss of injustice where they experience the bleakness of corroding despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience…

Now, what is the difference between the two? How does one determine when a law is just or unjust? A just law is a man-made code that squares with the moral law, or the law of God. An unjust law is a code that is out of harmony with the moral law. To put it in the terms of St. Thomas Aquinas, an unjust law is a human law that is not rooted in eternal and natural law. Any law that uplifts human personality is just. Any law that degrades human personality is unjust. All segregation statutes are unjust because segregation distorts the soul and damages the personality…

There are some instances when a law is just on its face and unjust in its application. For instance, I was arrested Friday on a charge of parading without a permit. Now, there is nothing wrong with an ordinance which requires a permit for a parade, but when the ordinance is used to preserve segregation and to deny citizens the First Amendment privilege of peaceful assembly and peaceful protest, then it becomes unjust.

Of course, there is nothing new about this kind of civil disobedience. It was seen sublimely in the refusal of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to obey the laws of Nebuchadnezzar because a higher moral law was involved. It was practiced superbly by the early Christians, who were willing to face hungry lions and the excruciating pain of chopping blocks before submitting to certain unjust laws of the Roman Empire. To a degree, academic freedom is a reality today because Socrates practiced civil disobedience.

We can never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was “legal” and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did in Hungary was “illegal.” It was “illegal” to aid and comfort a Jew in Hitler’s Germany. But I am sure that if I had lived in Germany during that time, I would have aided and comforted my Jewish brothers even though it was illegal. If I lived in a Communist country today where certain principles dear to the Christian faith are suppressed, I believe I would openly advocate disobeying these anti-religious laws…

I have no fear about the outcome of our struggle in Birmingham, even if our motives are presently misunderstood. We will reach the goal of freedom in Birmingham and all over the nation, because the goal of America is freedom. Abused and scorned though we may be, our destiny is tied up with the destiny of America. Before the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, we were here. Before the pen of Jefferson scratched across the pages of history the majestic word of the Declaration of Independence, we were here …If the inexpressible cruelties of slavery could not stop us, the opposition we now face will surely fail. We will win our freedom because the sacred heritage of our nation and the eternal will of God are embodied in our echoing demands…

Never before have I written a letter this long–or should I say a book? I’m afraid that it is much too long to take your precious time. I can assure you that it would have been much shorter if I had been writing from a comfortable desk, but what else is there to do when you are alone for days in the dull monotony of a narrow jail cell other than write long letters, think strange thoughts, and pray long prayers?

If I have said anything in this letter that is an understatement of the truth and is indicative of an unreasonable impatience, I beg you to forgive me. If I have said anything in this letter that is an overstatement of the truth and is indicative of my having a patience that makes me patient with anything less than brotherhood, I beg God to forgive me.“

Yours for the cause of Peace and Brotherhood,

MARTIN LUTHER KING, Jr.

[starcunning]

Echo & Alliance for Odette

ECHO: If your character has the Echo, does it grant them any particular strengths beyond the usual benefits (e.g., Minfilia’s strong connection to Hydaelyn, Krile’s ability to follow a soul’s trail)? What about particular drawbacks or weaknesses?

Odette’s Echo manifests mostly as a low-level empathic sense for the emotions of others. This is particularly troublesome for her as someone who really does not want to have to concern herself with others’ feelings (which may in fact be a defense mechanism given how often she’s bombarded by others’ emotions even should they try to hide or suppress them). She also shares her Echo with her twin sister–so if one of them receives a vision or manifestation of its power, no matter how far apart they are, the other is likewise affected.

ALLIANCE: Does your character have any important relationships with major NPCs? Friendships, romances, rivalries?

For major NPCs there is, of course, Aymeric. They were childhood friends and teenage lovers. They parted ways in their twenties–despite having the same career they were moving in different directions–but upon her return to Ishgard during Heavensward they swiftly renewed their relationship. (Although to call it that in Odette’s hearing would make her break out in hives.) When it became obvious that duty would call her elsewhere again, Odette broke things off with him once more, and not gently. They did not speak for almost two years, although Aymeric did write to her with some regularity despite never receiving a response (at least from her; Colette wrote back to him with news often). They fell into bed together on the eve of confrontation with Garlemald at Ghimlyt, and Odette’s convalescence in Ishgard may afford them some time to reflect and discuss what’s going on, as it’s getting harder to put this down to an emotional hangover given the long gaps between their meetings.

There’s also Gaius van Baelsar, occasional ally and sometimes foe. After the White Raven’s defeat, the Legatus hosted the twins aboard his airship to inform them of the situation at Carteneau–and, later, after their pilgrimage failed to avert the falling moon, brought them to the very site himself. During this time they had a (strictly physical) love affair, but found themselves at odds again five years later. Very recently they met again, and although sparks flew they were soon doused, because Gaius had by then developed genuine feelings for Odette’s twin sister, Colette. Odette is struggling to take this in stride, her competitive nature at odds with her self-sacrificing love for her twin, but although she likes Gaius she never loved him. They’re more kindred spirits than anything else, with all the good and bad that entails.

For more minor NPCs, there’s Fray Myste, whose life she saved and subsequently ruined. Odette is the Temple Knight that Fray had his trial by combat against, and she had an Echo vision of the events that led him to the ring. Thus incapacitated–and unwilling to fight him afterward anyway–she ceded victory to him and he was spared. Odette never put aside her shield and took up the guillotine, but she did adopt Fray’s cause for her own, to say nothing of Rielle. The pair were involved (yes, at the same time she was rekindling things with Aymeric) and when the True Brothers of the Faith set fire to the Brume and burned down Ompagne’s home (where Fray, Sidurgu, and Rielle lived together), Odette bought them a house to live in (reclaimed by the state from certain of Thordan’s collaborators and those complicit in the thousand-year lie that sustained the Dragonsong War). Fray asked her if she would consider moving in with him, and she rebuked him–and revealed her affair with Aymeric. Their relationship ended, of course, and their friendship never recovered, and probably never will.

Rielle also regarded her fondly, and Odette considered her an adoptive little sister–a much more comfortable role for her than, say, motherhood. She was hurt also by the way that Odette left things with Fray, and that uneven exit has gone unaddressed for two years. But Odette is spending time in Ishgard again, so perhaps there’s a chance at closure, or something else.

[leighlikesthing]

Supernatural season 1 disk 2

Disk 2 of Supernatural Season 1 is…

Well, it’s not filled with memorable all-stars.

And that’s not to say that the episodes are bad. Bloody Mary and Skin are completely serviceable episodes. Bloody Mary is a great Monster of the Week endeavor, and Skin giving us Shifters for the rest of the series to come.

Hook Man winds up being wholly forgettable, and Bugs…

Well, I think Bugs is the only episode of Supernatural I well and truly can’t deal with.

But each of these episodes have their moments.

Bloody Mary, I feel, suffers from focusing on a larger cast of one-off characters a little too much. But that’s not surprising. We’re five episodes in, and the show isn’t leaning into its mythology nearly as much as it will in later seasons.

It is nice to see the boys at work, though; a clean case, no attachments to their own history or issues, but in the same breath, our one-off characters are a little...annoying.

The real connection to the overarching plotline is Sam’s recurring nightmares about Jessica, and Dean’s concern over Sam’s mental state regarding her death. And we really see that parental side of Dean here, but we also know that he’s also not looking to die because Sam is off his game.

In the end, Sam offers himself up and summons Bloody Mary. And Props to show, the after effect is very creepy. The bleeding eyes, and the admission that Sam had had dreams of Jessica’s death days before she had actually died is unsettling, and Sam’s insistence on not telling Dean through to the end of the episode is...not a smart move on his part. Privacy is one thing, and feeling shame is understandable. But if Dean had known about his prophetic dreams earlier, he could have helped earlier.

But I suppose that would involve the boys showing some common sense. And at this juncture...eh. Not so much.

Dean’s eyes bleed too for what it’s worth. But it’s never addressed. Ever.

As low-tech as Mary crawling from the broken mirror is? It’s pretty effective all things considered. It doesn’t feel cheesy, or too much. Just...eerie. Dean’s idea to turn her on herself is ingenious, and shows us that Dean is a very craft hunter.

In the end, Dean comments that they’ve given themselves 600 years of bad luck…And he’s probably right. Because 14 years later, and there have been very few real, untainted wins for the Winchesters.

Skin is a tough episode for me to watch. Harming innocent women so goes against everything that Dean Winchester is that it makes me feel uneasy.  

But it brings us a brand new monster: shapeshifters. Creatures born with the ability to change their appearance by pulling off their skin. They take on the memories of the people they imitate.  We’ll see them through years and years to come, including a particularly enjoyable romp in season 4.

In watching it again, I honestly don’t have a lot to say about the episode. It mostly feels like an excuse for the show to cover scared, crying women in blood, and that in and of itself, is a rough watch.

We get some good moments between Shifter!Dean and Sam, though.

“You don’t think I had dreams of my own?” Shifter!Dean asks. He talks about being ditched by John, and we get a sense that that’s affecting the real Dean more than he’s letting on.

A running theme of the show, at least for Dean, is that everybody leaves him, and he’s not sure why, but he suspects it has something to do with him.

We also see that Dean has always had a grenade launcher in the trunk, and it’s been a running gag in more recent seasons that Dean would like to use it, and Sam tells him to calm his titties. Dean also references Star Trek for the first time, hinting that Dean is, in fact, a giant dweeb like the rest of us.

We get a truly disgusting scene of the shifter losing his Dean skin, and the shifter almost killing Sam. Dean is first wanted by the police, but then Dean kills the shifter, and now he’s legally dead, and we never see Becky again.

And then there’s Hook Man. Which starts out with a frat boy who was about to presure his girlfriend into having sex with him dying horrifically.

Hook Man killed a whole bunch of prostitutes and is now killing people he deems as being...well…

Slutty.

Yep. It’s an entire episode of slut shame.

Which is not only troubling,but a little boring to boot.

We get some spectacular Dean hair, and some good brotherly ribbing, but on the whole, it’s not a terribly thrilling hour of television. It is interesting to note that the boys get to tell the truth a couple of times in this episode. Dean gets them released from the cops with nothing but a fine by telling them they were out hunting ghosts...as frat pledges.

And Sam is truthful with Lori about watching over her house because he’s worried.

Sam and Lori have a good connection here. Sam understands how she feels, that people around her keep dying. He feels that deeply, and their kiss feels rushed, but genuine.

It’s an early attempt to address faith and religion in the show, but it’s done better further down the line in episodes like Faith and Houses of the Holy. We’ll see the Hook Man again in the Real Ghostbusters episode in season 5.

For now, let’s just be glad we’re done with him.

And now we come to Bugs.

I hate bugs. And I don’t like this episode very much. I have a deep, deep fear of bees. So this is not an easy watch for me.

What we get that does not make me avert my eyes is watching the tug of war between Sam and Dean about their upbringing. Sam is pretty sure their upbringing was fu-hucked up. Dean’s not convinced at this point in the show. He’s feeling like hustling pool and running credit card scams is awesome.

Dean’s memory here is short, but it gets longer as the show goes on. It’s interesting to watch their perceptions of their upbringing shift over the years.

“I respected Dad,” Sam says. “But no matter what I did, it was never good enough.”

We see a real rift between Sam and Dean here, caused by their divergent relationships with their father. Sam clearly thinks that Dean was the golden child, but the look on Dean’s face as they talk tells a different story: That John, as scared as he was for Sam’s safety, and as angry as he was about Sam’s leaving, still treated Sam as a son.

And not...whatever John has treated Dean as all these years. Which, mostly is a soldier, and a co-parent for Sam.

And maybe that’s just my perspective, looking back on this after fourteen seasons.

We also now have to take into consideration that since this episode came out in 2005, John has already had his “Dream” of the future from the 300th episode. Meaning that John probably went to check up on Sam at Stanford after that, as much as he could.

But since John never realized how poorly he treated Dean, Dean will continue to be treated the same way John has always treated him. Soldier. Co-parent.

I have feelings.

We also get a running gag about a steam shower, and the boys being pegged as a gay couple instead of brothers.

And...well…

A lot of bugs.

In the end, it’s a Native American curse on white people who deserve to be cursed because we are, in fact, all terrible. It’s thwarted, and the boys move along, but not before a moment of understanding.

Sam’s turned around on John for now. Their father did the best he could, Sam says.

Dean, for hi part, is so tired of their fights he can’t even anymore. With good reason.