#all of this while recovering from having covid for 3 weeks is truly. one way to start the year i guess.

[vanguardangel]

Hi I saw you all right write for metal gear I was wondering if you could do something with big boss find out he was a female clone. Just a thought you can go anyway u want with it, thanks

Another Snake

I’M SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG, I ended up catching COVID last week and am still recovering. Good news is, I spent a good amount of my time awake to actually research further into the Les Enfants Terribles project and into Big Boss himself! I hope I did him justice!

Scenario: An attempt to restart Les Enfants Terribles resulted in you; a female clone of Big Boss. However, the project was sabotaged and you were rescued from the war-torn fate your genetic brothers endured. You were allowed to live a normal life and ended up pursuing a career in music, becoming an idol beloved worldwide. Little did you know, you had a few snakes watching you from a distance, debating whether to intrude upon your peaceful life.

Warnings: Spoilers for the entire MGS series, nothing explicit but there are generous mentions of common war-time issues such as PTSD and general violence.

Big Boss aka “John” or “Naked Snake”

The OG; Naked Snake himself. Considering the fact his feelings on the project disgusted him and the fact this is one of his key reasons for leaving the Patriots, he may not even want to entertain the idea of more than two clones being created from his DNA. At least at first. I feel as though the older Boss got the more he became concerned about the type of legacy he would leave behind, especially after encountering Solid Snake (and from that last confrontation they had on The Boss’s grave). So, he did some digging. It took him a while, considering how well your rescuers had covered their tracks, but nothing can truly escape the “Man who Sold the World.”

To say Boss was shocked to discover what happened to you is an understatement in the best way possible. Seeing you not only escape the same fate as he and your “brothers” but lead such a fulfilling life might just bring him to his knees. Even if you don’t sing the type of music he personally likes, he will definitely try and attend at least one of your concerts to see you in person. Maybe in the rafters so he can stay out of the crowd. You’ll eventually find a bouquet of white windflowers and a snake plushie in your dressing room. Honestly, you’re the only pop culture thing he really knows and it catches people off guard. (It’s freaking hilarious)

Towards the end of his life, there is a chance Boss may actually directly contact you, especially if he found out you wanted to know who your biological parents were. He’ll arrange a meeting and explain to you that his life had spiraled so out of control that he was afraid of dragging you into it. He’ll accept any reaction, be it scorn, hatred, or sorrow. That being said, the amount of information you draw out of him depends on how persistent you are at prying, and even then he won’t tell you the full truth. You’re innocent. You cannot be chained to the same fate as him. Not when he’s this close to ending the nightmare. In the end, your existence was one of the few lights in his life.

Should you actually become embroiled in one of the many conflicts surrounding the Snakes, I’m almost 90% sure he’d directly interfere to return you to your normal life. You weren’t a soldier. You didn’t belong on the battlefield, and dammit he won’t let what happened to Frank and Naomi happen to you. Should this occur, it's almost guaranteed you’ll find out the truth of your creation and it will devastate him. But…at the same time he would be somewhat glad he can speak to you directly. (Might turn this into a short fic! Thanks for the inspiration anon <3 )

Overall, regardless of what happens, you can be sure you found a hidden guardian angel.

Solid Snake aka “David”

This man has straight-up said in the series that he didn’t think he ever had a family. He struggled with the fact he may have committed patricide for a very long time. Combine the fact his other two “brothers” were some of his most dangerous enemies, with Liquid Snake leaving a profound impact on him, the idea of another clone absolutely terrified him. The moment he found out there was a possibility, he and Hal hunted you down.

Funny enough, it was Sunny who ended up finding you! Turns out, she was a huge fan of your music and noticed you resembled Snake in a few ways. She padded into Hal’s office while he and Snake were scouring data with a copy of one of your albums and her laptop. The three of them ended up finding all about your life. How you were “kidnapped” from the project and presumed dead from the official files. How you were actually rescued and lived a normal life as a normal person. How you rose to fame and how your music has had a positive affect on your fans. If you did any type of charity work, especially any campaigns that were anti-war or anti-nuke, Snake will appreciate the irony.

With this new information, Sunny was finally able to convince her adoptive fathers to take her to one of your concerts. Despite the huge crowd and the overall cutesy image of your band, all three of them ended up having a great time. Sunny was as happy as she could be, belting out all of your songs while sitting on top of Snake’s shoulders. (Hal got some really good photos!). It wasn’t until the end of your concert did one song resonate with Snake. Your cover of “Hell Frozen Rain.”

“A toast to the lonely souls, who never could take control of life!”

From that day on, pretty much everyone caught Snake humming your songs when he thought no one else could hear. He’ll deny it up and down, but there’s no mistaking the homemade instrumental ringtone he managed to get on his phone. (Seriously, Snake, it's so choppy and it sounds like it was recorded on an old video cassette recorder.)

Much like Big Boss, Snake will probably not want to involve you in his life unless he absolutely has to. He never wants to have to face down another Liquid Snake, even if all the facts about your life point to the opposite. But life doesn’t always do what we want it to, and should you cross paths in this way (or if Sunny and Hal manage to convince him), I think he may take a chance to connect with you. You’ll probably have some long Codex talks during the mission, and maybe even after the mission ends. He might not understand everything you’re talking about, but he’s there to listen. Sometimes, on his darker days, he may call you up to just listen to you talk. Maybe to sing.

In the end, the idea of having a family that’s not out to hurt him or anyone he loves, is such a motivational factor for Snake. He feels far less alone now, even though your lives are so different. Congrats! You now have a big brother!

Liquid Snake aka “Eli”

Ho boy. Honestly I’m not really sure if he would even be told about any other clones besides Solid Snake considering he never seems to mention Solidius. Whether this was intentional writing due to Solidus manipulating Liquid or simply due to the fact Solidus did not exist as a character just yet, I’m not really sure. So let’s go with the assumption Liquid was only ever told about Solid. (Poor Liquid, he could have had a chance if it weren’t for the Patriots)

If he somehow found out about you…well to put it simply, you’re kinda fucked. Liquid would more than likely target you, even without direct orders. He’d send Psycho Mantisto probe into your mind, infuriated with the results. You were no sleeper agent nor a secret weapon. You were a normal person.

How fucking dare you? How dare you have a normal life when his was such hell?! His overwhelming rage and hatred for his “father” may lead him to spirit you away as a sort of trophy. If he played his cards right, Liquid may be able to use you as a bargaining chip against both Solid Snake and the Patriots. (But let's be real; Ocelot would more than likely snatch you away right when things were hitting their climax.)

All in all, Eli is a very hard character for me to predict. But hey, maybe you can talk him down? Maybe form a bond with the other Foxhound members? Weirder things have happened. Sniper Wolf might want to hang out with you.

Solidus Snake aka “George Sears”

(Look I couldn’t find a gif of Solidus so have this gif of Raiden -D- )

So, quick fun fact! MGS2: Sons of Liberty was my very first Metal Gear game! So alongside my soft spot for Raiden, I also have a bit of a fascination with Solidius. An actual United States president not only hand-picked by the Patriots, but also considered the most “perfect” clone of Big Boss. So perfect, he splintered off from the Patriots just like Big Boss to form his own Sons of Liberty.

So, considering that Solidus deeply valued the idea of freedom and putting power back into the hands of the citizens, I think he would greatly enjoy you and your music. Even before he found out you were a clone of Big Boss! Bonus points if you do any type of anti-war or anti-big powers charity work. But when he finds out you are a clone? It's a delicious cherry on top.

Despite his more…”virtuous” views, this man is absolutely ruthless both on and off the battlefield. He’s a brutal strategist, and would easily sink his talons into you. He’d make you think he was the best president ever, but wouldn’t hesitate to throw you to the wolves if you so much as toe the line against his ideals. Look what happened to Raiden.

Another difficult character considering how little I have to work with, but I think most of your interactions with Solidus would be positive! Let’s just hope he doesn’t rope you into the Big Shell incident.

[captain-aralias]

Life stuff

this feels kind of weird, because i’ve never used my tumblr like this, but i would have written something on my livejournal, and i want people to know - i just dont want to have to tell people about it, or really talk about it at all. 

but i also wanted to write this, idk. 

(TW: impending death of a parent)

my mum has cancer. 

it’s a rare form of cancer, called peritoneal cancer, which is similar to but different from ovarian cancer - i think it mostly gets diagnosed (like my mum’s) when it’s too late to do anything about it. all the treatment has been palliative only i.e. letting her live as long and as comfortably as possible.

she was diagnosed in september last year - about a year ago, a few months after running the ‘virtual’ london marathon on the isle of wight, where she lives, and obviously deep in lockdown. 

as someone undergoing chemo, she was deemed extremely vulnerable to covid, and so she spent most of the early pandemic isolating. she also said she didn’t see any point in my brother and i visitng her, particularly given the risks, because we could talk via facetime - which is fair enough - all of which meant my brother and i didn’t go to visit her until May this year, after she’d done the first lot of chemo and was already doing much better again. 

a few months after that, we found out that while she’d responded really well to the chemo, her cancer wasn’t responding at all to the maintenance drugs that were suposed to stop it coming back, so she came off the drugs completely. medical advice was basically chemo is as effective whenever you do it, so you might as well enjoy your life for a while, we’ll monitor it every month, and when things start to get too bad, we’ll put you back in chemo. 

it’s friday tomorrow - so two fridays ago, i saw my mum in london after she’d just seen hamilton with her partner, graham. both of them loved hamilton. her hair had grown back, she seemed pretty normal. about a week later, she was in A&E - and she’s been in the hospital all week. she’s got a total bowel obstruction, which means she can’t eat and hasn’t eaten since last week.

now in a weird situation where there are a few tricky, difficult options (including being moved off the island back onto the mainland to a bigger hospital) that will mean that she stays alive long enough to get the chemo, which will probably get her back to hamilton-watching strength, or ... she could die really soon. like, in a few days. 

we can’t visit. her partner can’t visit because covid - there’s this really sad-making photo of him looking happy on the phone through a window to my mum, also on the phone, inside the hospital. 

i feel...

???? :( :( :( ....

i guess this is the main point of the post. i’m not writing this crying, i’m writing it pretty neutrally - because my brain isn’t really processing it right now, and mostly doesn’t process it. 

i did cry earlier today while on the phone to various people, and then i went back to work. i hate crying, i hate being sad, and i dont like people comforting me, because it makes me realise that i have something to be sad about. 

i’ve known she had cancer for a year. i haven’t been able to hang out with her most of that time. i would say, we are fairly close, although not nearly as close as some families. we don’t talk every week, but we talk regularly, and have seen each other regularly. 

i’m so incredibly privileged that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, even though i’m 35. i’ve never been to a funeral, which seemed like a major life win and now i think was a mistake, i should have gone to funerals for people i card about less to help get used to it. 

the literal only comparison i have to how i feel is when my cat Anton died suddenly  about 3 years ago - i handled it with a mix of not thinking about it, being intensely sad for as brief a period as i could, and probably by thinking about how sad my girlfriend was about it, and sort of sidestepping my own feelings in comparison. 

i remember when my last remaining grandparent died - and i was about 14 or something - i wasn’t sad for myself, i was only sad for her my dad being sad. for ages, i worried that i was not going to be sad enough about this - and i still sort of am. 

but i also passionately hate the idea of being sad and i know i’ll look to avoid it as much as possible, and try and get on with my life. 

i know my mum dying isn’t about me - when people write after death it’s about the person who died, obviously. that makes sense. but this post isn’t about my mum, who is a very cool person, much cooler than me - it’s about me. because i am self-obsessed and this is going to wreck my life for a while.

it’s weird, because i can see it on the horizon but it’s not happening yet. and i dont know whether that’s good or bad - i feel like it’s good, in a way. someone ages ago told me that the grieving period starts when you get the news. that seems very true to me - but also, i know that it’s going to ramp up, and so i’m like in the expectation of true grief right now. 

it’s sort of like she died, but also is still going to die, but also i can magically still talk to her. which is really nice, in a way, it’s like a second chance, because i know i didn’t reach out enough before she had cancer. and i’m aware enough of my own actions that i know this is what’s been going on in my head the past year - i should reach out more, because she has cancer, but i dont want to make it seem like i’m reaching out because she has cancer, even though she knows i know she has cancer....... and also, i’m busy writing this fic. /o\

the fact that she seemed to recover (even though my mum insisted on saying ‘i am not recovered, i’m going to die soon’ like several time as a day as a disclaimer) also totally messed with my head, because i knew logically - ok, it’s happening. but also, things seemed so normal when we speak. even when i called her today, and she hasn’t eaten for a week, it seemed normal. 

btw - i realised this week i had no idea how cancer killed people. my mum is a scientist and has looked up all kinds of things about what’s killing her; i’m clearly a simon snow and didn’t want to think about things i can’t help. if you’d asked me, i’d have said like... it poisons you or something, or blocks bloodflow to your brain. not what i think will actually do it which is.... starvation. or being too weak to survive being pumped full of the poison that is intended to kill the cancer. (that one i guess i could have predicted.) man - cancer sucks. i mean, we all knew it. 

(i failed to get into cambridge university at interview stage, many years ago. the man who interviewed me gave me some extremely memorable feedback, which is that i needed to dial back the ‘defensive irony’ - which i thnk in that context meant i put myself down and tried to make a joke of everything. i remember when i got the phonecall to say Anton, my cat, was dead, i literally did not know what to do with my voice - because my instinct was to try and make the vet feel better, and also to present myself as bright and capable, and yet this unexpected and devasting news had just come through. rainbow wrote something sort of similar because she’s a good writer, for shepard as he tells penny about his curse. i feel like that.) 

what else did i want to say? 

i thought i had more time. ‘hamilton’ will probably always be tied to this moment in my mind, because of how much i’ve spoken to my mum about it in the past few weeks (i sent her the remix - she liked it, she listened to it in hospital while trying to drink more than 100ml of fluids) but yeah - this is basically a line from hamilton here. whatever. don’t make me feel my own feelings, let me just quote things. i dont like my own feelings. (no, i dont want to go to therapy - they’d make me talk about my feelings all the time, i’m british for god’s sake.) 

i’m 35 - my mum is 68. i didn’t think she’d die this early or that i’d have to deal with this yet. but then i also don’t think bad things are ever going to happen to me - because mostly they haven’t, see above. i wear a mask and am double vaccinated because i’m not an asshole, but i dont really believe i’ll get covid because bad things don’t happen to me. i didn’t think my mum would die - maybe ever, but definitely not yet. she’s been retired a decade after teaching (science) and has enjoyed it. 

i thought i had time to not have kids yet - which is the other thing (like hamilton) that this moment is really tied up with for me. i feel like 35 is getting quite old, but also not that old to still not have kids, but intend to maybe have them. my feelings about kids were basically like - up until like 25, i thought, yes, definitely. i mean, before i had a realtiosnhip (22-ish), i just assumed i would probably have a het marriage and have kids etc, like people do, but after that we were still talking, yes, children at some point. 

didn’t prioritise it for a few reasons - none of my close friends had children until quite recently, so it just didn’t seem like an urgent thing in the way that it probably does for people with different friendship groups. waiting to be settled enough in a job to be able to take maternity leave without it feeling like a rip off for my employer. waiting for a good time in erin’s PhD writing cycle. and then pandemic. and then a few years ago, maybe as i turned 30, i thought - maybe we won’ have kids, because we still haven’t - and i vocalised that to erin. 

also, i know a lot of people are gay and have children, so it’s not like it’s a thing that is impossible at all, but it’s much much harder if you have to leave your home and your relationship in order to get a child. it has to be a very very conscious decisions. i have friend who are men who have good genes, but we’re not so close i want to ask them for their sperm/to be involved however remotely in making a child - and (i was surprised to discover) (what a lot of things i dont know anything about) you an’t really just buy sperm, it’s not truly legal except through a clinic. and it’s extremely expensive to get inseminated in a clinic, and the NHS don’t really do that, so you do have to pay it. i thought kids would be expensive after they were born, but not before. and i REALLY wanted a house, much much more than - i think even today - i’ve ever wanted a child. i REALLY wanted a house - and now we have a house, and it’s pretty good. but - that’s where the money went, until the pandemic - thanks pandemic - so now we do have some disposable cash at last, because i didn’t commute. 

but now erin is worried about climate change - and wheher it’s right to bring more children into the world, and other things. and.... i think i do want to be pregnant, it’s what i’m planning for - don’t leave this job (which admittedly i also really like, and pays me well - i dont thin i need to leave) because next stop maternity leave, but..... 

i don’t know whether i am thinking, time ot have kids because my best friend just had a baby (the baby’s name is horatio - for real, i actually love this name) (i also haven’t seen her or the baby except over skype, because anna - my friend - is, like my mother, also scared of pandemic) and my brain is like - ok, well, if anna is doing it, i guess the time is here 

AND - i know there’s a large part of me that was like, gotta be pregnant and ideally have the baby before my mum dies so she gets to see that she had a grandchild. my brother and i are both queer, btw, in case you were wondering - he’s considering whether he wants to transition right now (but is still happy with he/him pronouns) and - you may find this astonishing, but i genuinely don’t know whether he’d consider himself ace, or has been in relationships. he’s very private, he has OCD and is in therapy - but anyway, he’s probably not having kids anytime soon (i think!) and graham - my mum’s boyfriend/partner of 10+ years. -has grandchildren, but my extremely middleclass white (but definitely not conservative voters, always 100% not-tory) parents ended up with me and my brother.... and i don’t know, as i say, i don’t know whether my brain is saying ‘have kids before it’s too late’ - although i know by now that it will be too late. even if my mum recovers from this, this time, i don’t think i can produce a child before she dies - and she isn’t asking me too, she’s not like that, but i would have liked her to be there. i thought she would be. 

so - i’m thinking about that. also, about getting a dog. i really want a dog - although i don’t want to upset the three cats (one we’ve had for eight years or so, the other two we got after Anton died). it’s ALSO really hard and expensive to get a dog. you’d think with all these ‘a dog isn’t just for the pandemic, a dog is for life’ type adverts around, that it would be easy to adcidentally get a dog - i’ve looked! you ccan’t get a dog unless you have no cats and you’re super experienced and can take a dog with lots of trauma or medical problems, or you’re willing to pay thousands of pounds. like - even for a regular not even pedigree dog - at least a thousand. pedigree dog - several thousand. i dont want a puppy either - i want a dog. 

and - this is embarrassing to admit, but i’ve alrady told erin - i genuinely had a phase of being super annoyed when i’d read fics where someone just ‘got a dog’. it’s not that simple!!! it’s fiction, it doesn’t matter - chill out. the baby thing too - although weirdly not fics where magic meant it was possible to get a baby, weirdly it was smut. i had a brief week or so of crazy (and i don’t think i am that crazy) where i’d read about fictional semen and just be like - wtf, it’s so hard to get hold of that shit. (it’s not real, this isn’t real semen being wasted, calm down - and i dont even really know if i want kids, i might just think i do.) 

the other thing about the bad thing being soon but not yet (but also being all the time, but not if you dnt think about it) is that i’m thinking - should i prioritise writing my remix now, in case my mum dies and i’m too sad to do it, and then i didn’t do my remix? i was definitely thinking this while writing classroom politics (i hope my mum doesn’t die becaue i dont want to be too sad to miss the deadline) and in the run up to AWTWB .....

today i wrote a list of things for work that would need to be picked up if i have to unexpectedly stop working, either because i’m too sad, or because i have to do funeral stuff, or .... i guess legal stuff about settling the estate. (i guess this happens to a lot of people, too, but it’s also a bit of a mindfuck that my brother and i will inherit her house and a bunch of cash when she dies - i’m pretty well off, my brotehr does virtual reality theatre stuff so really isn’t - we’ve talked about how much easier both of our lives will be with a huge injection of cash, and how we dont know what to feel about that) (great news, dogs and kids are really expensive! time to find out whether i really wanted to spend my money on those.) told people i like at work that it’s coming, and that i dont want to talk about it. and mostly just... carrying on with life, really. until it happens. 

it’s so weird how easy it is to carry on most of the time.i know my mum’s partner is not doing nearly so well - he has to cope with an empty house and he’s retired. i’ve had periods - including right now - where i wake up every morning and check my phone to see whehter someone called me or texted me to tell me it’s over. but most of the day i’m actually really fine. i even had an ok day today. and i don’t know whether i want that to be the case, or whether i shouldn’t let myself do that. i dont know what i should prepare for in terms of where i’ll be - will i want lots of stuff to distract me (this is my guess) and work is very good for that, or i will want to clear time and space because i can’t operate and dont want people to offer me comfort. (FYI - this post isn’t written to make people say anything to me, i definitely dont want to talk about it, so please don’t feel you either have to comment or check in on me - i don’t really want you to. it’s enough to have written it, in my own time, in my own space.)

i think i wanted to write this post in a way because i thought i probably wouldnt want to write it after my mum died - because i probably wouldn’t want to say anything about it at all, for a few years. 

my mum keeps telling me about the show ‘jane the virgin’ - which she’s half way through. shhe asked me to give it a try, so i did (she often tells me about shows on radio 4, which i rarely listen to. i thouht i had more time.) i’ve watched an episode (because she has cancer, i should listen to her recommendations)(but i dont want her to know that’s why i did it) and i do quite like - it’s light and frothy and well cut together (although about kids and artificial insemination, of course). i guess in a worse case scenario where i’m too sad to work or write, i will probably watch a lot of this show - which is incredibly not sad - and feel sad about how my mum never finished it. 

BUT ALSO SHE MIGHT BE OK. for a while. 

i dont know how i feel, blargh. anyway. this was a long post. i think i wrote it mostly for me. feelings are weird. covid really sucks and so does cancer. 

going to order some chicken and watch inuyasha.

[elenamiria]

We’ll Never Be Royals

Royalty!Reader x Knight!Din Djarin

Rating: G Summary: A mysterious knight comes to your rescue and you find an unexpected bond on the journey home Word Count: 2.2k Warnings: Light violence, reader in peril, tropes lol  Tags:  @fishswimbetterunderwater @a-dorin @blxwjobsforclones @lynnie51 @katrynec @mistermiraclee @theelvenvalkyrie​

1. Sorry for my absence in the past week, my family thought we potentially were exposed to covid (my mom’s coworker got sick and had to get tested) but good news! We’re all good!! 2. To my requesters I promise you I am working on my fics, I have had a little bit of writers block and I keep writing and then rewriting things because I go back and don’t like what I have so I’m so sorry it’s taking so long!! 3. I already had this written from a while ago and feel bad for the lack of content so I figured I’d throw this out there (Even though I’m not really sure if I like it, I kinda think it might be bad alsdhaiweo oh well) Also I’m pretty sure I want it to be a series but we’ll see how this goes

Anyways I love you all and I hope you enjoy!!

Din Djarin Masterlist     ~     Main Masterlist

Your knight in shining armor was not exactly what you expected. His armor was shining, gleaming silver, and he was dressed like a knight however he was not loyal to anyone but his covert band of mercenaries. He was a quiet man, never really speaking to you unless you spoke to him or he was telling you what to do. You had gathered that he was normally a bounty hunter after you had inquired which knight he was and he replied that you would not know who he was. You had also gathered that the king, your father, had sent him specifically for his quick and efficient ways as well as promising him a great reward if you were to be returned alive. You were beaten and bruised when he found you, the rival kingdom who had captured you desperate for the information you had on your fathers forces. When you had realized it was just one man coming to the rescue you fought back hysterics as you were sure the two of you were going to be killed, but he was quick with a sword and clever too. When you made it out alive you had wanted to see him, to know who he was, but he told you he couldn’t show his face.

There was a long journey ahead of you, traveling in secrecy did not lend itself to efficiency, and you found yourself growing closer to your mysterious knight. Always ensuring he had several portions of food ready for each meal while you made an excuse to wander off so he could eat in peace, you would watch the flames of your campfire reflect off of his armor and let your mind wander to what he was like under his helmet, you found you enjoyed his silence compared to the bustle of the castle, and you especially loved when he would gently tend to your wounds with a special salve. He would talk then, especially in the first few days when you were almost constantly in agony, you figured it was to distract you from the pain but you enjoyed hearing his stories. He told you of bounties he’d caught, of the lands he had seen and one day he told you about his creed, “I know you’re curious why I won’t show you my face. My people take this creed to protect ourselves from those who would wish us harm, it is our way. I am sorry I frighten you but I hope you can understand.”

You stared for a moment, slightly shocked he was bringing it up, before you spoke. Simply stating, “I am not afraid of you.”

His helmet tilted slightly before he turned to face you fully, “You do not have to lie to me your highness. I see how often you watch me, like you are anticipating my attack.”

You felt your face heat at the misunderstanding and you reached towards him but thinking better you let your hand fall to your side as you spoke, “My dear knight I do not stare at you because I am afraid of you.” You looked down as you continued, “I stare because I yearn to know you and I am curious. I do not fear you, in fact I think I trust you more than I have ever trusted any other being before.”

You glanced up with a shy smile at your confession. When you were met with silence you faltered, this time it felt different there was a tension in the air. When he said nothing for several very long moments you rose intent on retiring for the night in your embarrassment. A gloved hand lightly curled around you wrist as you brushed by causing you to freeze and turn to face your knight. There was a deep breath loud enough for you to hear through his helmet and then he spoke, “I do not trust easily.”

Something about his tone had you reaching forward to cup the helmet’s cheek but your gentle moment was interrupted by an arrow whizzing past your face. A startled yelp flew from your mouth and instantly he was in front of you shielding your front with his body, one arm pushing at your side to urge you behind him.

"Stay by me." he ordered, helmet scanning the area where the arrow came from. Your hands laid on his back as you looked around wildly, heart nearly pounding out of your chest, there was a noise and then another arrow was flying your way which was blocked and struck harmlessly off Din's armor. It seems the bandits realized with his protection they would have to take a more direct approach as three figures emerged from the shadows to charge at the knight. Barking an order for you to stay back he launched into action, sword drawn and clashing with the attackers. You backed away and aimlessly looked around for something to help, seeing nothing else you grabbed the metal pot that you used to cook your meals. Clutching it to your chest you continued backing up until you ran into something solid, you assumed it was a tree until the object wrapped a hand around your mouth and the other around your waist. Panicking you did the first thing you could and bit hard, your attacker wore thin cotton gloves that did little to protect him from your harsh teeth. The man cried out and pulled away from you and before you could even process what you were doing you were wildly swinging your pot into the man's head. 

He dropped and you stared with wide eyes unsure if he was dead, the loud shouts behind you disrupted you and you turned to see a blow to the side of your knights head knock him to the ground. This didn't deter him as his blade swung towards the attackers legs causing them to fall back while he recovered. He had just risen when one of them came from behind and wrapped a thick arm around his neck, the other two approached intent on disarming him. The situation looked grim and when a rough call of 'go, take the horse and go,' met your ears you knew you couldn’t leave him. Swallowing down your fear you approached quickly and as the other attackers shouted warnings to the third you made your attack. Once again you swung the pot as hard as you could striking the man on the head, as that seemed to do the trick last time. He stumbled and let go of your knight who stumbled but regained his bearings as oxygen filled his lungs once again. He landed a solid swipe on one of the other bandit’s arms and with that they seemed to give up, retrieving their friend who had only just stumbled up and they fled into the woods. You couldn't help the gleeful laugh that flew past your lips as you cheered in victory but it quickly died down when your savior stumbled. You rushed to steady him but he held up his hand and sunk to the log that you had been using as a makeshift bench while he caught his breath, "Gather our things, we'll stay in an inn for the night."

You nodded and hurried to collect your belongings. When you had completed the task, ensuring everything was securely attached to the horse, you fidgeted slightly before tapping your knight on the shoulder, "Everything's ready, are you feeling well enough to steer or would you like me to?"

He rose and turned towards you, "I'll steer."

He left little room for discussion as he extinguished the fire and mounted the horse, leaving you to climb on behind him. Wrapping your arms around him you rested your head on his shoulder as he stirred your horse to life. You found yourself drifting off as your adrenaline wore off despite the steady jolting sensation of your cheek against his shoulder armor.

You were roused by a call of your name and a gentle shaking sensation, you jolted up when you realized that you truly had drifted off, cheek sore from the harsh metal it had been laying on. The gleaming lights from the inn illuminated the night around you and Din instructed you to stay with the horse as he went to get a room. Dismounting you absentmindedly stroked your horse's snout, rambling softly to the animal, until a hand landed on your shoulder. You startled but relaxed when when you turned and it was just your knight, he hitched the horse and gathered your bags, leading you into the inn and up the stairs to your room. You paused in the door when you noticed the sleeping arrangements, there was only one bed. There was a low grunt behind you and Din muttered, "You can have the bed."

"No! You were the one who got hurt, you can have the bed. Please, I insist." You stared at him, and you assumed he was staring back at you, for several  moments until he sighed and nodded. You went about changing into your nightgown, quickly covering yourself with a spare blanket as you settled onto the floor and fluffed the pillow that you had taken from the bed. A throat cleared and suddenly he was speaking again, "Thank you. For earlier. You didn't go like I told you to."

His voice was questioning, even though you were sure it was supposed to have come out as a statement. You shook your head before you realized he couldn't see you and so you spoke instead, "I couldn't leave you, after all I suppose I was only repaying the favor. After all you saved me from a much more dire situation. But I wanted to help you, I....trust you."

You finished lamely wincing slightly, you sat in silence and as you waited for a response. Din's voice came hesitantly, "Earlier I said I don't trust easily." Your heart sunk, fearing that this was about to have the same outcome as last time - you going to bed full of embarrassment, until he continued, "I stand by that, but I trust you."

A smile crossed your face as your heart skipped a beat and you couldn't stop yourself from asking incredulously, "You trust me?"

There was another period of silence before, "I do, more than I thought possible."

And then yet another pause before so softly you almost missed it, "I think you deserve to know, my name is Din."

[squidproquoclarice]

What’s Arthur’s recovery treatment like in Sunrise in terms of medically, because it was really interesting to see such a realistic view on how he would recover from the drastic effects of TB. And the way you wrote that the TB although dormant is always gunna be there with him for the rest of his life was a good other aspect to his character, and added to the strength he has, considering the stigma too attached to the disease at that time, and especially once you get to the last chapter and see how far he’s come from the first chapter, I was just like good for him. It was great.

Combining this with another similar Ask:  “Can you talk about Arthur’s proceduree with the cactus? Just that him living one with those scars of treatment.. it’s great for the story”.   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So as I’ve remarked on his gunshot wound, I hate “Hollywood” medicine and how it gives us such an inaccurate impression of what treatment and recovery for something is like.  It was important to me that I depicted the actual process of dealing with tuberculosis recovery realistically, both medically and for the period.  I didn’t want to just skip ahead to three years later and go “And Arthur was well again”.  I also absolutely didn’t want to go the route that I’ve seen of claiming “nonspecific magic Indian cure from Rains Fall” because holy shit, that’s exoticism-as-Other and racism.   Arthur is badly off at the end of Chapter 6.  His TB has run him down to the point where, combined with his fight injuries and hypothermia, it was too much for him in-game.  That’s really not something you can sleep off for a few days or get rid of by popping a few DayQuil.   Being as antibiotics were several decades in the future, TB was everywhere at the time of RDR2.  It was one of the leading causes of death in 1900 America at 194 deaths per 100,000 people.  To give you a comparison to another deadly communicable respiratory disease that kills slowly, leaves chronic impact to survivors, and has huge impacts to society, daily life, and public health?  As per Johns Hopkins University stats, the current American COVID-19 death rate is 149 deaths per 100K.  That’s how bad TB was.      Tuberculosis wasn’t a guaranteed death sentence like people assume from the game.  But yes, it was very likely.  Roughly 1/2 to 2/3 of people who contract active tuberculosis die within five years without antibiotic treatment.  Although interestingly, those who make it to 5 years in untreated tuberculosis then show a 60% spontaneous remission rate. So making it to 5 years was unlikely, but your odds got pretty decent at that point. Arthur's a resilient man who's beaten the odds before, so I figured it wasn't impossible for him to do so again. In terms of actually getting into the details of medical treatment, 1900 is an interesting point in TB history.  It's sort of a transition point between two regimens of treatment.  

The first is the post-Civil War "rest cure" (advised to Arthur by Dr. Barnes in St. Denis) of going to a climate thought to be more helpful to TB sufferers, and from there getting as much rest and fresh air as possible, and just hoping for the best.  TB was actually a significant part of the Old West as plenty of people came westward for that supposed better climate.  What the ideal climate was varied depending who you asked (hot, hot and dry, mountainous, forest, etc.), and spoiler alert: climate doesn't really affect TB recovery.  Getting away from crowded cities was probably the more effective thing. That relied very heavily on patient initiative, though, and the ability of a family to provide any necessary care, as well as to uproot and move to another place.  Obviously for those in poverty, not likely to happen.  We see this with Thomas Downes, who clearly is poor enough that he wouldn't have had that option.  Many didn’t.  Many died because they simply couldn’t stop working, let alone move halfway across the country.  There were a few sanatoriums/well-known rest places, but they were few and far between.       After 1900, and increasingly after WWI, the notion turned more to TB as an issue requiring direct medical intervention rather than letting people quietly hope for the best.  That led to patients often undergoing quarantine and a formal treatment regimen (which still relied a lot upon rest and fresh air) in either a private or government-run sanatorium.  People went in until they recovered enough to show numerous consecutive negative TB tests and the disease had become latent, or they died.  Some took years to leave, and some took years to die.  This is the institutional phase of TB treatment, and it lasted until it got increasingly superseded by the antibiotic phase post-WWII. What I did with Las Hermanas was create something in that transition phase.  It's a TB ward with a more structured treatment regimen, but there's not the strict bureaucratic oversight and total isolation of patients from family and the world that you see later.  I did bring that notion in later in 1907 with Sadie seeing a poster in New Hanover for the new state-run Six Points TB Sanatorium advising that TB patients would be quarantined there. Las Hermanas' treatment is more the hallmark of a forward-thinking doctor.  Felipe Garcia's trying different things in treatment with that mentality, and taking the unusual step of keeping families with patients (which wouldn't be the case later).  It's something that worked on a micro level, but probably couldn't have happened on a macro level as a nationwide program, so Arthur and Sadie are lucky to have hit upon it.  The total bed rest for a while to start to give the lungs a chance to recover is accurate to some TB treatments of the time, and also later. The treatment there at Las Hermanas does include artificial pneumothorax.  Again, Felipe's a bit ahead of the curve.  It was a known treatment at the time, having been reported, as he says, at an AMA conference in Denver several years before.  It had been noted that spontaneous lung collapse (pneumothorax) in a patient actually had i,proved their TB, and the idea of inducing that collapse deliberately (e.g., "artificial" pneumothorax) got kicked around some.  But it didn't really become commonplace as a treatment until post-1912 with Italian physician Carlo Forlanini "rediscovering" the technique and getting visibility for it--he'd actually been among its pioneers thirty years earlier.  But the fascination with microbiological advancements, including Robert Koch's identification and description of the tuberculosis bacteria in 1882, meant it got sort of shelved for a while.  Again, this increasing use post-1912 is also coinciding with the rise of sanatoriums, where controlled treatment regimens under a doctor’s close direction were more possible. Essentially what happens in classic artificial pneumothorax (AP from here on in) therapy is introducing gas--either air or nitrogen--into the cavity surrounding the lungs (*not* the lung itself) via needle and bellows apparatus.  For video of classic AP being performed around 1925 in a patient in Chicago, watch the first 3 minutes of this video.  It does a good job showing exactly what the procedure looked like, what the equipment looked like, etc. Side note: local anesthetic was definitely used in later years because being jabbed with a decent sized needle deeply enough to puncture your chest wall is not fun.  It's very possible Felipe might have used it, as local anesthetic was a concept known and somewhat used at the time.  It very likely would have been a localized injection of cocaine as more familiar, still-used local anesthetics like lidocaine and novocaine were years in the future.  But, hey, for a cowboy game that's period accurate enough that it gives you cocaine gum, using cocaine as a local anesthetic isn't unreasonable.  ;) The AP apparatus, once it was hooked up, put enough gas in there to cause enough pressure and force to induce a partial or full collapse of an infected lung.  That would help rest that lung or that part of it from struggling to breathe, and also provide an oxygen-deprived environment that would help kill the TB bacteria swarming in the lesions and cavities they had chewed into the tissue of the lungs. Bonus: breathing on one or one-and-partial lung also probably generally obliged patients to rest more. For one quick set of statistics, 23 of 40 patients with lungs successfully collapsed by AP in 1913 showed dramatic improvement in their TB.  So not a magic bullet, but a tool that perhaps upped your odds when done right.  There were more severe AP methods also used later, including phrenectomy and thoracoplasty, but those wouldn't have been seen in 1899 in this case. The problem is that the AP gas pumped into the pleura would eventually leak out, or be absorbed by the body tissue.  There's a somewhat vivid detail in Thomas Mann's "Magic Mountain", a 1924 novel about a TB sanatorium, of a whistling sound issuing from the AP hole.  So the AP process had to be repeated at regular intervals, often called "refills", usually cited as about two weeks from what I read.  AP treatment often continued after symptoms stopped, because they wanted to be damn sure that they hadn't treated only enough to just get ahead of the TB or that this wasn’t just a temporary up-cycle, and the disease was well and truly in remission. They confirmed this in later years with actual tests for TB at regular intervals to track that progress.  I kept that two week refill schedule for Arthur, and also its effect on keeping him tethered to Las Hermanas for a few more years even after he has a more normal, active life.  I think (?) I wrote him as stopping treatments sometime in late 1902, so roughly three years total, and two years post-release as no longer actively symptomatic. All in all, I wrote a treatment that wasn't widespread at the time, but would have been very possible with the knowledge and equipment available.  I went the AP route in the end because I wanted to give Arthur more than just bed rest both for higher survival odds, and also because I think now-obsolete medical history in fiction is interesting. The effects are some of the things I noted in Arthur throughout Sunrise.  Getting jabbed with a needle every two weeks for years is going to produce some scars on the skin.  It would be a tight cluster given you wanted to place your needle very carefully, but they would exist.  We see something similar now with "track marks" in those addicted to intravenous drugs, and I think I noted Arthur or Sadie remembering Swanson having something like it in his arm from years of addiction to injected opiates.    Working on that one or one-and-partial lung during all AP refills also means that Arthur is incapable of really hard daily physical labor, even after being released from Las Hermanas.  The lung capacity, and the stamina, just isn't there.  That was one factor that impacted his ability to get a regular job, which has the effects we see in 1904 of them worrying about money. That's also because even after he's got two fully-inflated and working lungs in later years, he's still not 100%.  While the lesions on the lungs may heal and send the TB into remission, they don't become healthy lung tissue again.  They become scars that still would be visible in later years when X-rays became more common.  So there's a lack of both flexibility to contract/expand and surface area for oxygen exchange that were there with healthy tissue.  In other words, Arthur's lungs are permanently running on a reduced capacity.  His stamina and strength and resilience are going to be affected. He's never going to be exactly what he was before becoming sick due to permanent effects of the damage, as well as just the fact of him going from 36 to 48 and thus just getting into middle age.  If Sunrise was an actual playable game using the RDR2 system, I'd depict that as Arthur's Stamina and Health cores being permanently damaged and capped at a lower level than before.  Probably down 3 bars for the Wapiti chapter and his first six months at Las Hermanas (due to the near-death status initially and then massive muscle and strength loss from all that bed rest), down 2 for the next six months at Las Hermanas and all of 1901 after his release, and down 1 for 1904/1907/1911 and the rest of his life. The other thing is Arthur can't be "cured" with the medicine of the time.  That was pretty much impossible in the pre-antibiotic era given the bacteria could never be entirely killed off in the lungs.  The best you could do was get strong and healthy enough for your immune system to effectively keep the ones left contained and inactive.  So while TB survivors could live healthy, happy lives, they knew that there was always a chance that TB could always come back.  Hence Felipe chewing Arthur out more than once for pushing himself too hard and risking getting run down enough for the TB to have an easier time gaining a foothold again. So his lifestyle's permanently changed in some ways.  He learns to recognize the signs of approaching exhaustion, and having to back away from it and slow down or rest.  Sadie's necessarily become attuned to this as well.  Arthur has to learn his own limits for the sake of self-care, and I think that's not a bad thing given he'd never had any real sense of self-preservation before.  He can't just keep pushing like he used to do, telling himself he'll make up for it later.  He has to commit to taking care of himself for his sake as well as Sadie's well-being, because he knows she can't lose him, just like he can't lose her.  He has to do it later for their children too.  Recognizing that taking care of yourself for the sake of your loved ones is actually protecting and showing them love too, rather than selfishness, is a big step forward for him.  I'll do the work to take care of myself so I can better be here for you, so I don't cause you the pain of watching me suffer or die, plus the emotional and financial and logistical burdens of my not being there. As first Anon noted, he and Sadie tend to keep hush about it unless they can trust someone, given the stigma associated with TB due to fear of the disease.  At some points, Arthur has to wonder if this person knew the truth about him whether he'd be more of a pariah as a notorious outlaw or as a TB survivor.  It didn't necessarily matter that the disease was latent.  All people had to hear was "tuberculosis".  So something like the fact Drew MacFarlane as the father of a TB victim himself not only doesn't stigmatize Arthur, but is willing to work around the TB restrictions, means a lot to both Arthur and Sadie.

[goddessofnature]

I posted 6,765 times in 2021

11 posts created (0%)

6754 posts reblogged (100%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 614.0 posts.

I added 185 tags in 2021

#cute - 55 posts

#pretty - 22 posts

#i love it - 17 posts

#beautiful - 17 posts

#super cute - 16 posts

#cuuuuuuuuute - 14 posts

#i love it! - 13 posts

#cuuuuute - 12 posts

#hehehe - 10 posts

#i love this - 9 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#and then at some point i would have to figure out a way to be better and then my rival at all possible things while still saving the world

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Hey, to my mutuals who are used to me like bombing them every few days, sorry I haven't been around much the last few months. Near the end of September my grandparents, who are okay-ish now, caught covid. I was absolutely convinced they were going to die from it and kinda just... shut down. For reference, they had been taking care of me since I was nine, so they are effectively my parents.

Anyways, I still haven't fully recovered from that trauma. Been pretty brain fogged. My whole college term kinda went down the drain. To top it off, I've been sick the last two weeks, but only really figured it out a few days ago. Not sure with what yet, but I'm on antibiotics now and will hopefully find out more in a day or three.

Also, trying to get used to Tumblr on the iPad... Has certain differences that are massively annoying, but it's better for my hand than my Android phone, so...

So yeah... I miss this place, so I'm trying to get myself back here more often.

2 notes • Posted 2021-12-06 10:22:54 GMT

#4

So I very recently learned I apparently have a "brand". Like, I sorta knew, but I truly did not understand the depths of it until a few days ago. See, I love big, thumpy weapons. Giant hammers are a fav and I'm finding a fondness for maces. I'm talking fictionally... Video games, anime, whatever, though I'm sure I'd appreciate them all irl as well.

So I was bitching to my friends over discord how crowded the mall was, because ya know, pandemic‽ And one of my friends had to spend a few moments processing my words because she was initially imagining a "maul" which, while cool, was not my current topic.

So yeah, I have a brand and it's an extreme love for large, blunt melee weaponry.

2 notes • Posted 2021-03-10 12:34:43 GMT

#3

Been watching That Time I Got Reincarnated As a Slime and it's pretty good so far. I know most of the fight scenes because YouTube, but getting all the story bits is really nice. Also I am getting the complete fights without weird cuts.

I think I'm about halfway through season 1. Trying to catch up so that I can stop spoiling myself on YouTube for season 2. Just finished the Orc Disaster fight.

Rimuru is super cute and way smarter in all the social stuff than I would be. He's an excellent diplomat it seems. The last bits with Shinue made me tear up. It was super sad! Best thing is, Rimuru's first reaction to handling the person who caused her so much pain is too promise himself to deck the guy. The kijin are great, but I already knew that.

Not sure what my next anime should be afterwards, but Jujutsu Kaisen is on my radar. That thing has excellent fight scenes.

Oh yeah! Been playing Loop Hero a bunch and it's a super fun game. I love it and and the heroes plus several of the villagers are really pretty.

2 notes • Posted 2021-03-06 10:19:47 GMT

#2

Got my birth certificate updated today. Updated my license a month or so ago. As far as my state is concerned, I'm legally female now.

3 notes • Posted 2021-08-17 06:19:03 GMT

#1

I kinda blasted through all of what's out of season 2 of That Time I Got Reincarnated As a Slime and now feel a bit empty. Living on the cliff's edge, waiting to know what happens next. Also I started way to late at night so now it's been like morning for a bit and I'm finally going to bed. Should've done that earlier, but I guess I was still processing...

4 notes • Posted 2021-03-13 14:46:41 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ 2020: We’re stuck inside our own machines

I’ve had a song I loved in high school and haven’t thought much about since stuck in my head. The song “Apparitions” by the Matthew Good Band is a fine example of the alt rock of the late 90s; if you grew up then but somewhere down in the states (or elsewhere) instead of my southern Ontario you may well have your regional equivalents, and like this one they may not resonate terribly strongly outside of their time and place. It popped back into my head after a long time recently and of course 2020 has changed it a little. A song that as a teen I felt keenly as about loneliness (albeit also about how technology can feed into that) of course now plays on my nerves as another small piece of art about the way that most of us (those scared and/or responsible anyway) have only that relatively narrow, technologically mediated connection to the people we love. All of us, artists and listeners alike, are trying to fit our feelings and art and selves down these little connections, with some success.

On a personal level, 2020 wound up being stressful in ways we couldn’t have predicted even after the pandemic hit. In circumstances that could have seen governments on this continent support those unable to work (and those who shouldn’t have to), support those workers who are truly essential, support workers and renters and even landlords and small businesses, instead we got a near-total abeyance of those governments using the resources we provide them with to save any of us. On a personal level my wife and I were lucky enough to be able to work from home (not that it didn’t come with its own forms of stress, and now that I’m off until January I have several work/stress-related illnesses to recover from) but still saw friends and loved ones lose good, used-to-be-sustainable livings overnight, saw family businesses succumb to a near-total absence of effective government support after months of trying to keep above water, etc.

It is probably no surprise that this is not a situation conducive to listening to music, let alone writing about it; I have deliberately and happily kept busy on behind the scenes stuff at Dusted that I could still manage but looking, at the end of the year, at the amount I managed to actually create is demoralizing if not at all shocking. I’m not sure I think next year will be ‘better’ in many important ways, although at our job there is a growing feeling among coworkers that next year has to have some work/life balance because 2020 was, maybe more than anything else, unsustainable.

That’s not to say I didn’t spend a lot of time and emotion on music this year, and if nothing else constant sleep deprivation, stress, and panic meant I was probably open to being deeply moved by all sorts of art even more than normally (it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even read a sad or moving twitter thread out loud to my wife without getting teary, which is kind of… nice?). Funnily enough the band that did the most to keep me sane didn’t really put out anything in 2020. Personal favorite, Low, instead started, in early April, getting on Instagram with something they called on whim “It’s Friday I’m in Low.” With one brief break they have now done by my count at least 35 shows (catalogued here, by the way), every Friday at about 4 my time.

Admittedly it’s easier for Low to pull this off than some bands, since the 2/3 of the trio that sing are a married couple (they’ve had a couple of socially-distanced backyard shows with bassist Steve Garrington, but he’s mostly been isolating elsewhere). These shows have seen the band’s Alan Sparhawk take a mid-set break to do follow-up phone interviews with the acts featured in the COVID-curtailed touring bands series Vansplainingthat they started on YouTube, or just to give a tour round their vegetable garden and talk tips. It’s seen Alan and Mimi Parker draw on their impressive, 25+ year body of work (averaging 4-5 songs a set, I don’t think they’ve repeated themselves yet) and talk a bit between songs about pandemics, politics, song choices, and whether Alan should grab his bike helmet this time.

They’re not the only musicians out there speaking love and sanity (and playing music) into the strange digital interzone filled with hate and disinformation where we’ve all been forced to gather while locked down, but they were and the most consistent and steady signal being emitted each week. No matter how tired I was from work or what new symptoms I’d developed or what horrific thing I read into the news, even if I had to take an emergency nap while it was actually airing, every Friday the show was there. Once things do return to something more like normal, it’s one of the few things I’ll unambiguously miss about this weird-ass year.

So if that makes an argument for Low as my band of the year (admittedly again… it’s not like Double Negative has aged poorly, either), that does a disservice to those 2020 records I did connect with; even if there are still literally dozens I have to go through, many of which I expect to love, my top picks this year (if as unrankable by me as always) hit me as hard as any top pick in recent years did. So here I present a quick and informal top 5, which the rest of my top 20 following in alphabetical order. Here’s hoping for more time and space in 2021 for music, and even more than that, for more support for those who need it from those who could have been providing it all this time. (The Matthew Good Band, incidentally, always did best with their ballads. “Strange Days” is another I’ve had in my head these days; the image of moving “backwards, into a wall of fire” has stuck with me since the 90s and it’s never felt more grimly appropriate.)

Greet Death — New Hell

New Hell by Greet Death

This one is, in some sense, cheating; it came out November 2019. But that just means it’s the latest winner of my personal Torres Prize for Ian Being Late to the Party (so named because becoming slightly obsessed with Torres’ Sprinter just after I sent in my 2015 list was the first time I noticed that one of my favorite records of each year tends to get picked up by me just after I call it quits on the year, no matter how long I try to wait). This very doom and gloom slowcore/metal/(whatever, just know it’s heavy) trio at first felt very much like my beloved Cloakroom (whose Time Well has also won a Torres Prize) but sure enough nuances revealed themselves. Back in February it felt almost a little too negative, but then the rest of 2020 happened. And the extended burns of “You’re Gonna Hate What You’ve Done” and the title track remain searing.

Holy Fuck — Deleter

Probably the record I’ve been trying to write about the longest in 2020, and the one I’m most disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t get the requisite paragraphs together. It’s a wonderful effort from the consistently great Toronto resolutely human-created (and —mediated) dance music quartet, one that both feels like a summation of everything they do well, and with the addition of some outside voices (including strong turns from the singers of both Hot Chip and Liars) a step forward at the same time.

Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone

Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs

As the year got worse, this roar of defiance only got more crucial for me to hear every so often; I was a big enough fan of it, even after writing it up for Dusted, that when they solicited fan footage for a subsequent music video you may just be able to get a glimpse of me in it. (I’m the one in a “No Tories” t-shirt.) My punk rock-loving twin brother was the one who introduced me to Spanish Love Songs and we were supposed to spend an evening in June screaming along to them live in a packed, sweaty room. I need that in my life again.

Julianna Barwick — Healing Is a Miracle

Healing Is A Miracle by Julianna Barwick

It’s a sign of what 2020 has been like here that even just this album title leaves bruises, and while I privately worried Barwick would have a hard time following up 2016’s sublime Will (probably my favorite record that year), it seems that continuing to take whatever downtime she needs to keep focusing and refining her particular muse has once again yielded amazing results. Anyone who thinks they know what a Barwick track sounds like should really check out, say, “Flowers”, but much of this record absolutely sounds like Barwick, just even better than before. She also boasted my wife and I's favorite streaming concert of 2020, an absolutely gorgeous rendition of this album with Mary Lattimore showing up.

Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

I joked on Twitter recently that I have far too nice a dad (and far too good a relationship with him) to be as obsessed as I am with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Kyoto”, but here we are. Like most of her generation, Bridgers’ social media presence ranges from shit-posting to inscrutable, but even though things are often just as hard to figure out in her beautiful songs (as they often are in life), there’s an emotional clarity to them that can just grab you deep down. Couple that with seriously impressive songcraft and the progress from her already astounding debut Stranger in the Alps and more than anyone else in 2020 I’m excited to see just where the hell Phoebe Bridgers is going to go, because it feels like she’s talented and hardworking enough to go just about anywhere and drag a lot of our hearts with her.

Other Favorites

Aidan Baker & Gareth Davis — Invisible Cities II

Anastasia Minster — Father

Deftones — Ohms

Hum — Inlet

Kelly Lee Owens — Inner Song

Mesarthim — The Degenerate Era

Perfume Genius — Set My Heart On Fire Immediately

Protomartyr — Ultimate Success Today

Rachel Kiel — Dream Logic

The Ridiculous Trio — The Ridiculous Trio Plays the Stooges

Sam Amidon — Sam Amidon

Shabason, Krgovich & Harris — Philadelphia

Stars Like Fleas — DWARS Session: Live on Radio VPRO

Well Yells — We Mirror the Dead

Yves Tumour — Heaven to a Tortured Mind

Five Reissues/Compilations/etc.

Aix Em Klemm — Aix Em Klemm

Bardo Pond — Adrop/Circuit VIII

Charles Curtis — Performances & Recordings 1998-2018

Coil — Musick to Play in the Dark

Hot Chip — LateNightTales

Ian Mathers

[aventurasdeunatortuga]

Laredo Part 2 Week 2

First photo is yesterday’s grocery haul. Second and third photos show our stock of underwear and boys’ clothes. Fourth photo shows our COVID isolation building, the last photo is the church hall that has been converted into an emergency shelter to accommodate the 200-300 people staying each night at La Frontera. The main shelter building can only accommodate about 150.

I’ve been back in Laredo for about 2 weeks now, which is how long I stayed the last time I was here. I still have about 2 weeks left. Last time I was here I remember being completely and utterly burnt out by the end of 2 weeks and I can feel myself burning out again now.

I’ve been splitting my days between the two shelters, La Frontera and Holding, and they are so different. At La Frontera I feel very welcomed and involved and useful and the people seem a bit friendlier, but the flip side of that is that there is so much chaos and lack of organization it honestly stresses me out so much. There are just so many people in such desperate need all the time and there are maybe 3-4 volunteers each day trying to prioritize which crisis needs to be dealt with first. Usually that ends up being transportation and food. Things like clothing and cleaning and toiletries and organization have fallen by the wayside. We’ve been getting hundreds and hundreds of people in really terrible conditions clear until 2:30 in the morning every single day and we just simply do not have the people needed to make it run smoothly, so volunteers in the evening have just been opening the closet and letting folks grab what they need at random, which results in even more chaos and disorganization. The last few days when I’ve come in there have just been enormous piles of stuff all over the floor and garbage everywhere. It is really stressful.

Yesterday we realized that no one had gone grocery shopping, and there wasn’t much food left in the pantry. I don’t know how that system normally works, if there even is one, from what I can tell it is random volunteers buying food and occasionally community members donating food. We cooked all the food there was and served as many people as we could but here were about 250 people at breakfast who hadn’t eaten in several days.

Most of the groups that come in haven’t eaten in several days, but this group looked truly, truly desperate for food. The children were all screaming and the adults were trying to hold themselves back so as to not push or shove but I could tell it was hard. The heartbreaking part was that we didn’t have enough food for all of them, and about 50 folks went without food. We didn’t even have anything like granola bars or bread slices or cereal or anything to offer them.

Me and one of the nuns went to the grocery store and bought two fulls carts worth of food, we bought this yesterday morning and already today it is almost all gone. I feel frustrated with the leadership at this shelter, it feels like there is none. One of the directors is constantly out of the building driving people places and doesn’t answer her phone and the other is constantly putting out fires with border patrol and the police and the hospital and the city government, etc so she is never there either. The entire shelter depends on the 3-4 community members and out of town volunteers that show up at irregular hours and most of whom only stay for a few days.

The worst part is seeing how this lack of organization impacts the people coming through, who are already dealing with a lot of trauma and I know the chaos here isn’t helping.

But there’s only so much we can do. I started falling apart this morning after wading through so much garbage to try to get through the kitchen. I got very overwhelmed and started getting snappy at people, which doesn’t help anyone. One of the newer volunteers stepped up to help while I took a break. When I came back the both of us were able to get a number of the folks staying at the shelter to help us. We got folks to clean up all the garbage and clean the tables and sweep the floors and help us with the food. They were happy to help and were appreciative of what we were doing.

I’ve been at La Frontera shelter from 9-2 most days, which is usually when we finish serving lunch. Then I head over to Holding Community Center until about 7pm. The difference between the two shelters is night and day. While La Frontera has only 2 paid employees, Holding has 18 employees, most of whom are on site for the entire day 7 days a week. It makes an enormous difference. The flip side of that though is that I don’t feel super helpful there and the people have kind of set systems in place and a few staff members don’t seem very open to volunteers coming in to help as they are overwhelmed and don’t want anyone upsetting their system. It’s also different in that all of the folks staying here stay outside or in the vacant classrooms at the community center, the volunteers all work in a separate building and very rarely directly interact with the folks staying there. So while I’m there I essentially sit at a table and organize baby wipes and baby food for 3.5 hours straight. Then I help serve dinner and then I’m done for the day. We aren’t allowed to directly interact with the folks staying here because there are a lot of cases of COVID on the buses, the folks staying here tested negative but were still exposed so we’re trying to be very careful, but still it is kind of frustrating when folks knock on the door and ask for things like a bottle of water and to hear that I’m not allowed to give them water until a specific time or else everyone is going to be trying to get one. It’s definitely two ends of a spectrum.

I’ve been trying to interact with folks by doing a ‘diaper cart’ every afternoon. I load up a cart with diapers and formula and wipes and just walk around outside offering things to people.

Today I helped serve dinner to the main group of COVID negative people, but then I was also asked to bring dinner over to the group of people who tested positive for COVID. They are being quarantined in an empty warehouse across the street. They have nurses there and everyone wears masks. They have to quarantine for at least 10 days, and receive one change of clothes and a hygiene kit when they first arrive. They get a blanket and a cot and stay there until they recover. I hadn’t been over there before and was a bit nervous about it.

It was truly terrible to see. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a more miserable place. We stood in the doorway while folks lined up by the door. We handed food off to the nurses and they then handed the food to the people waiting in line. There were at least 100 people in there, packed wall to wall on cots and all of them coughing and looking so sick.

The medical team was treating them well and they had the basics that they needed, but it just broke my heart seeing so many sick people in one place. The hospitals will not accept them because they don’t have health insurance. Most were exposed to COVID in ICE detention, because ICE does not test the people they detain and keep people confined in close quarters for extended periods of time. If folks get extremely ill the hospital will accept them for 48 hours. The shelter is the only place in town that will accept them, if the shelter was not there ICE would have just left them on the street.

It’s been a really long week. I’m trying to not let all of this get to me. The most difficult part I think is seeing all of these problems and feeling so powerless to help. At La Frontera shelter it seems like a neverending crisis and lack of resources and organization that me as a part time volunteer cannot realistically fix, which is really hard to accept. There were some rooms I came across today that were in such a state of disarray I just had to close the door and walk away, because there was no way I could take that on. At Holding, there are enough resources and organization, but seeing the people quarantined and seeing the busloads that come in each day of more and more sick people breaks my heart. Right when I was walking out the door at 6:45pm today a busload of 130 more people arrived, and staff was trying to decide if they should feed them or test them for COVID first, because the medical staff and the food team were leaving for the night and they didn’t know what to do. It was hard to accept that there wasn’t really anything I could do in that situation.

I’m trying to do what I can. I’ve been fundraising and have raised around $750 so far. I’m planning on using most of it for underwear and food for La Frontera shelter. Both shelters depend entirely upon donations though and I know that even if I spend all of that money today that all of the donations bought from it would likely be gone by the end of the week.

What really needs to happen here is systemic change. There needs to be drastic changes to our immigration policies, ICE as an institution needs to be shut down or at the bare minimum be investigated for their treatment of folks being detained by them. The fact that people come out of there exposed to COVID and without having eaten for several days is unconscionable. There needs to be government funding and disaster relief teams for folks seeking asylum, it is absurd that a bunch of random volunteers and community organizations are having to take on a humanitarian crisis of this scale.

I’ll go into this in a later post, but the United States is almost entirely responsible for creating the conditions that have caused so many folks to flee their home countries. It is the absolute bare minimum that the US can do to accept folks that are fleeing the situations that we created. They do not want to leave their homes, they are being forced to.

Rant over.

Until next time,

[mrcurrygoestospain]

Camino De Santiago - Round 5

Spain travel log, 2021…

Day One:

September 20 - Depart Seattle for Madrid, by way of London. There were plenty of issues just getting to this point. In addition to the ongoing concerns over COVID-19, or perhaps because of them, I had some serious concerns about whether I could and whether I should do this trip at all. In the end, I think I simply realized that it was totally appropriate for me to go on this trip: I’ve been “responsible” and taken the full round of vaccinations, generally avoided social contacts with people and been diligent about the masks. So I made my reservations and thought everything was fine. About 2 weeks before takeoff, I got an email from Iberia that one of my flights had been changed. When I looked into it, I found that it was the connecting flight from London to Madrid and the schedule had been bumped up by about 6 hours taking me from having a 2 hour layover in Heathrow to needing to be on a plane for Madrid 4 hours before I actually landed in London and would be able to board it… It took attempts at phone calls over several days to get this corrected. Finally, I tried while I was at top work one morning around 5:00 am. I finally got through and a nice lady helped rebook my connecting flight. She found the only available flight on that day that would work; now I have a seven hour layover.

I prepped for my trip, checklists and routes planned. I arrived at the airport 3 hours early, just in case. Although I booked with Iberia, it was a British flight. So standing in line at the BA counter in SeaTac, I saw the sign: “All passengers must show proof of a negative COVID test.” What? I’d already checked multiple times; I only need proof of vaccination to get into Spain. I check the internet. Sure enough, if you’re on a layover in England, you need a negative test…A quick Google search helped me find a testing center at SeaTac airport, so I rushed down to baggage claim number nine to see if I could get a test in time. In all honesty, I really thought I wasn’t going to make it and I’d have to try to contact the airline again to find a way to reschedule my flight. I stood in the line for what seemed like forever, but finally had the privilege of paying $250 for a rapid COVID test. T- minus 2 hours 30 minutes to departure and they promised results in 1-1.5 hours. The test itself was relatively painless. After all of the horror stories I’d heard about the nasal swabs, I was a bit worried. But it didn’t hurt, it just tickled a little bit. I waited, and waited…it seemed like they would never have my results. While I waited, I heard stories from other travelers who had missed flights or rebooking because of these ridiculous COVID-related requirements. One young Canadian lady I spoke to shared that she’d spent over $1000 on COVID tests in the last month due to traveling. I guess my $250 wasn’t so much.

I finally got my negative test results and rushed back to the check in counter, filled out the required government forms and headed through security. The flight was delayed.

After a nine hour flight to London, I had seven or eight hours to kill in Heathrow Airport, Terminal 5, before boarding my flight to Madrid. I shopped, I ate, I listened to podcasts. I took a few naps and generally cursed British Airways for changing my original flight. Some Italian guy made quite a scene at the boarding gate for the flight to Madrid. The gate agent handled it quite well and passive-aggressively punished him for his demeanor.

I arrived in Madrid after an easy flight on Iberia, made my way to the metro and on to my Hostel. It was a nice enough place. After 28 hours of travel, I was ready for a shower and bed.

Day 2:

On my one day in Madrid, I walked from my hostel/hotel to the Museo Nacional del Prado. It’s Spain’s greatest art museum. This was my second time there and I spent a lot more of it. There are so many amazing pieces and, for someone who used to truly despise art, it was amazing. I highly recommend it. I haven’t been to a whole lot of art museums, but it is, by far, my favorite. I followed that with a walk through the Royal Botanical Gardens. I’m sure they’re great when all of the flowers are blooming, but in early fall, it’s just a lot of green. Either way, it was still peaceful. I visited another nearby park, walked around and viewed the statues, and then made my way back towards the hotel and passed it to go to the Cathedral opposite the royal palace. It’s a much more modern cathedral than the ones I’ll see on the Camino, but still impressive.

Day 3:

On the morning of the third day, I got up early and got packed. Took the metro to the train station and purchased a ticket to Leon. After two hours on the train, I took a 20 minute walk to the hotel and dropped off my bag, and then spent the next few hours wandering the city. I found a barber and got a haircut for 9 Euro, quite a bargain. Stopped at the “Taste of America” shop to get a bottle of hot sauce (Cholula, of course), and just meandered around the city until I could get checked in at the hotel. It was a pretty uneventful day, which is just what I needed. I was still very tired from all of the traveling and trying to swap schedules.

Day 4:

I got up late, around 8:00 AM and started walking the city. I stopped for a cafe con leche and met a Scottish couple who had been walking the Camino for the last few weeks. While we waited out the rain under cover, the shared with me some of their other walking adventures, including tales of walking through the Swiss Alps on the Via Francigena, a pilgrimage route to Rome. I may have to look into that for a future trip. I also shared with them my plans/considerations of taking a walk on the “Great Glen Way” in Scotland. The wife had already done this and highly recommended it, along with the West Highland Way. Both are approximately 5-day walks through some of the wild country of Scotland. When the rain let up, we parted ways and I went to tour the Cathedral, toured the Basilica of Saint Isidore and wandered around town, shopping and eating. Inside the Saint Isidore museum and basilica, i had the opportunity to see what is referred to as the “Sistine Chapel of Romanesque Art” as well as a gold and silver cup that some historians claim is the “holy grail.”

Day 5:

Didn’t sleep much…I forgot how much they like to party in Spain. It was LOUD all night long. Anyway, started my walk. Today was about 27 km and it rained through about 50% of the day. It was a mix of roads and dirt tracks. I only saw one other pilgrim, a Spaniard who doesn’t speak any English. I got ahead of him and had stopped for a rest at a picnics table on top of a mountain. He showed up a few minutes behind me and I tried to chat for a minute, but the language barrier…. I offered him half of my tangerine and then he took off again. I passed him up later. I had been slightly worried about where to stay for the night as the municipal albergue in this province/state are currently closed due to the ‘Rona, but when I got to town I found a pension with rooms available. The lovely lady named Susana showed me to a room and also worked tirelessly to make me a reservation for the following night. I hadn’t eaten much for the day, so I ordered big: hot dog and patatas oil bravas. Patatas bravas is a traditional dish in Spain which is made of fried potatoe cubes that are covered in a (typically) spicy tomato sauce. Potatoes Ali Oli are the same fried potatoes but with a garlic cream sauce instead of the spicy sauce. This one combined both sauces. It was nice. The inside of the restaurant/bar/cafe was very loud with a bunch of men playing a card game I’m not familiar with, so I went outside to have a beer. An older Spaniard, named Hilario, came out and started trying to talk to me. I explained that I am American and I don’t speak much Spanish, but he disagreed. So he went inside and got another man, a Hungarian who had been in Spain for the last 25 years, named Fernanco(?) who was extremely drunk, to come out and talk to me. He was so drunk, he introduced himself as “muy borracho” or “very drunk” and the proceeded to tell me that he used to be a muy Thai fighter and a coal miner and now he was just a fat drunk who collected money from the government because he got hit in the head too many times. At least I THINK that’s what they were saying…. I went to bed early to get a good rest and let my aching feet and hips recover before a long day tomorrow….from La Robla to Poladura, should be about 25km or so with some very intense climbs. We’ll see.

I’m currently on the Camino San Salvador, which is a route from Leon to Oviedo. They say “whoever goes to Santiago without visiting Oviedo, goes to the servant but not to the Lord.” This is because Oviedo is famous for having a specific relic. While most people are aware of the Shroud of Turin, which is the burial cloth of Jesus, many don’t know (including me, until recently) that traditional Jewish burial included placing a cloth over the face of the deceased immediately after death and until the body was prepared for burial. This cloth would then be removed and the full-body cloth would be applied. So anyway, this Cathedral boasts possession of the face covering that was placed over Jesus’ head, likely immediately after the spear pearled his side and before he was brought down off of the cross. Once I complete the Camino San Salvador (about 5 days, I hope), I will continue on to the Camino Primitivo, one of the many Camino’s de Santiago. So the Camino San Salvador goes to the relics of Christ and the Camino Santiago (Santiago = Saint James) goes to the resting place and remains of Saint James (the major), also known as “Santiago Matamoros” or “Saint James the Moor Slayer”, the patron saint of Spain.

[formula365]

The most interesting of uninteresting races - Sakhir GP preview

A couple of weeks ago, it felt that F1’s final triple header of 2020 was going to be a quiet affair. After Mercedes and Hamilton wrapped up their respective titles, it seemed that the main story for the 3 races in the Levant would be the battle for 3rd in the constructors’ championship. Yes, there were still races to be won, and some seats up for grabs, and the Perez-Albon axis would be a focal point for pundits, but it felt very much like the twilight of the season.

Well, F1 comes at you fast (literally), and even more so in 2020, it seems. On Sunday, Hamilton’s 11th win of the season was overshadowed by Grosjean’s massive crash and the ensuing conversation over safety and what went well and not so well. After the race, it felt like this topic and Grosjean’s recovery would be the main story of the week, but then, for the third time, a driver caught COVID, and this time, it was the champion-elect.

Lewis Hamilton tested negative three times during the race weekend, but started feeling symptoms on Monday morning, and had two positive results on that day. The announcement the following day sent the F1 world into a spin. It would be the first time since Brazil 2006 that an F1 grid would not include Hamilton, and, given his dominance throughout the season, any race without him suddenly becomes a much more open and intriguing affair.

But even more crucial than that was the question on everyone’s mind: with Hamilton ruled out of (at least) the Sakhir GP, who would step in for him at Mercedes?

The reserve driver Stoffel Vandoorne was the most obvious choice. Already acquainted with the team and the car (at least via simulator), the Belgian was wrapping up preseason testing for the upcoming Formula E season and was already planned to fly to Bahrain anyway. But the Mercedes hierarchy had him as a number two choice, as this was a major opportunity for them to test the heir apparent to the team in their actual car.

It is no secret that Mercedes reached out to Williams to enquire about the availability of George Russell for 2021, before making the decision of giving Bottas another 1-year extension. The Grove-based team told them they did not wish to release him from his contract for next year, but there was no doubt that Russell was a strong candidate to take one of the Silver Arrows seats for 2022. And if Hamilton decides to continue into the new F1 era that will start in that season, then it is Bottas’ seat that will be, once again, in question.

This was, then, the perfect opportunity for Mercedes to evaluate their protege in an actual race environment, and have him go toe-to-toe with his main rival for that seat. I don’t think anyone in the team is expecting Russell to beat Bottas outright, but he won’t need to either. If he stays close to the Finn in the timesheets and impresses the team with work ethics and commitment, he will be taking a huge step towards securing that dream move.

Bottas, on the other hand, will be perfectly aware of this, which puts some additional pressure on him to perform. He cannot afford to be beaten by his one-weekend teammate; that would absolutely seal his fate for 2022. Ultimately, there might not be much that he can do to help his cause. Even if he does win the race and keeps Russell comfortably at bay, it will be the youngster’s performance that will be of more interest to the team. If Russell does well enough, there is nothing Bottas can do.

It is crazy that a race at the tail end of the 2020 season can have such deep ramifications into the 2022 season, but this has been a crazy year in more ways than one. This one-off race in a crazy layout of the Sakhir circuit will see two debutants and a stand-in for the champion-elect, while two drivers recover from health issues. There will be plenty of interest to see how all these permutations will affect the weekend, and what these out-of-place drivers can achieve. And, most importantly, we might even see the Mercedes 2022 line-up take shape.

Talking points

•  Another driver under pressure to perform this weekend will be Latifi, whose seat is not in danger but that will be left to look silly if he is beaten by his teammate. Also, the shuffle up front puts even more pressure on Albon, who will be expected to beat his good friend George, since he is much more accustomed to his car. As if he needed any more pressure on him.

•  Stoffel Vandoorne ended up being the big loser in the Mercedes decision. The Belgian driver just does not seem to get a lucky break with F1: after two years at a McLaren close to its lowest point, he doesn’t even get the chance to fulfil his role as reserve driver for the best team ever in the history of the sport. Perhaps it is best that he focuses his career elsewhere, as his FE car also seems to be capable of fighting for wins and getting into the title fight.

•  Wednesday morning saw most of the big announcements of the week in terms of driver swaps, but the best news of that day was Grosjean’s release from hospital. After that enormous scare, it was fantastic to see him walk out with a huge smile on his face, and hearing him say that he wanted to return for the Abu Dhabi GP, for what will be his F1 swan song. Absolutely nothing will beat seeing him back on the grid for that.

•  His vacated seat at Haas, as well as Russel’s vacated seat at Williams, will provide the opportunity to two drivers to have their debut in F1. Pietro Fittipaldi will stand in for the Frenchman at Haas; the Brazilian is the team’s reserve driver and spent the year in the garage with them, so will be well acquainted with the team members and their procedures. The same can be said for Jack Aitken, who will run for Williams. After an unlucky run with Campos in this F2 season, this will be a richly deserved reward.

•  Fittipaldi’s run with Haas will not represent an opportunity for him to stake a claim on one of their seats for next year, as the team announced their line-up, confirming the rumours that had been circulating for a few weeks. Mick Schumacher and Nikita Mazepin, respectively first and third in the F2 championship, will be driving in F1 for the American team. The return of the Schumacher name was expected and it will be great to see Mick test his talent at the highest level. He hasn’t blitzed the field this season, but rather has impressed with consistency and regularity, traits that bode well for a future champion.

Mazepin arrives with the tag of paid driver - which isn’t in itself incorrect, but is one that glues to the skin of the driver and is incredibly difficult to remove, regardless of results. The Russian has been slowly climbing the table in F2, having won 2 races. However, his general demeanour and attitude, on and off the track, leaves many question marks over this decision. His father brings significant backing to the team, but if he doesn’t clean his act the negative impact of his behaviour can be costly for Haas.

•  I am truly excited to see a completely different layout this weekend. The current calendar (2020 exceptions aside) features tracks with so many similarities, it is truly refreshing to see a short, ultra-quick layout, just to shake things up. Qualifying risks being quite the mess, and lapped cars will be a nuisance to the leaders, but I, for one, can’t wait to see them blast around Bahrain’s outer loop.

[dfcfanfics]

So What the Hell Did I Do This Year?

As if I have to tell any of you this... 2020 was one completely messed-up year.  COVID, elections, full-on national insanity... 

It was also the Year of No New Miraculous Content (outside of the New York special, which I have not watched yet, and about which I’m not completely sure where it officially fits into canon.)  So my stories have been in something of a post-Season 3 holding pattern much in the way that the show has.

Luckily for me, that post-Season 3 status (the Adrigaminette triangle) is rich with storytelling possibilities.  Just about everything that I wrote this year revolved around that dynamic and how it might end up resolving.

LONGFICS:

Stuck In A Bakery (With You) (Complete) (AO3)

When a medical crisis appears to threaten the Agreste household, Gabriel's first impulse is to send his son far away from potential danger. (One does not risk the company's most valuable asset, after all!) While visiting Marinette at her house, Adrien gets the word that he's about to be spirited away to stay with distant relatives for the duration.

But this is the Dupain-Cheng household... and they may have other ideas as to how a less traumatic self-quarantine might be arranged.

My big story for the year, and going by the numbers, my biggest hit yet.  I was a little bit wary of writing a COVID story in this context, but I decided to try something a little different; short, rapid-fire chapters, posted one-per-day for quite some time.  I was cooped up, I was feeling creative, and I felt like entertaining people in the same boat.  

This one was a slow-burn for the ages.  With Our Heroes in captivity and Hawkmoth dormant, Marinette and Adrien explore what they mean to each other, share a bathroom, do their best to avoid hurting Kagami (as Adrigami was an in-progress thing when the quarantine hits) and decide what comes next.  Tom and Sabine manage the business in troubled times while supporting the budding relationship, Gabriel and Nathalie insert themselves into events, the classmates do their best to grasp what’s going on, and a good deed done wrong proves most impactful.

No one gets sick or intubated or buried, even as the realities of the virus and its impact remain present. This is not Pandemic Porn. This is fluff and comfort and two nervous kids learning about each other up close.

Throw Me Around Like One Of Your French Girls (WIP)  (AO3)

Reflecting upon an unpleasant encounter, Marinette makes a small realization... as Ladybug, she can defend herself with ease, but what happens if she's facing down unwanted physicality as Marinette? It's a good thing that she happens to know a classmate who's studying the martial arts, if he'd be willing to teach her some things?

A short multi-parter, a pleasant distraction from the continuing It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time. Fluff, fashion choices, twisted arms, friendship, tension and tap-outs.

The next variation on the triangle’s developments.  It started as a small rumination on what happened in Felix (namely Ladybug punching his lights out), with Marinette learning some Aikido from her handsome classmate.  With Adrigami still happening, Marinette feels much more relaxed around him... and with Marinette relaxed around him, Adrien is increasingly captivated by her.  (Lukanette is Not Quite A Thing Yet in this, though certainly possible.  Luka is Mr. Not Appearing Much In This Year’s Stories Of Mine.)

Unlike in Stuck In A Bakery, Kagami can and does meet with both of them throughout. There is a definite connection each way, and a need to pass the Bechdel Test -- Marinette refuses to let her and Kagami be solely defined by Adrien.  .   

Still in progress, approaching its climax, kind of on hold because Delicate’s been more on my mind.

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time... (technically WIP) (AO3)

A week ago, the friendly relationship between Adrien, Marinette and Kagami seemed to be blossoming on all fronts... But that was a week ago.

Now, Marinette is wondering what - if anything - in her life can be salvaged.

Then there's a knock at her door... and, suddenly, so many things are changing all at once.

A short flight of fancy, several small parts to come.

Round three in the Adrigaminette triangle -- and this one really _is_ Adrigaminette in nature.  

A highly stressed, frustrated and emotionally troubled Marinette has all the plates in the air right now.  Her wish-he-was-her-boyfriend is seeing her new friend Kagami, she’s not entirely sure if Luka would be an adequate substitute, she has her new Guardianship to contend with, and everything seems to be falling apart at once.

So, when Kagami shows up on her doorstep because Adrien abruptly dumped her... thinking isn’t the first thing on her mind.  Acting is.  And act, she does!

This is NOT a dump-on-Adrien fic, however, no matter how much it may seem so at first.  Adrien gets his turn to express why he did what he did, how he felt he was being unfair to Kagami by continuing, and why he’s just as troubled Marinette is... but Ladybug and Ryuko asking Chat what _he_ thinks they should do complicates that greatly, as you might expect.

I say TECHNICALLY WIP because I feel like it stands well just as I left it... but I feel like I could add another epilogue chapter or two to it at some point.  And perhaps I will.

Delicate (WIP, NSFW!)  (AO3)

A university-aged Marinette hears a cry for help on a quiet Saturday night, while walking home. Her glory days as Ladybug were years ago, but she still has her Miraculous, so... she investigates. What she finds startles her... among other emotions.

This is the one that I had told myself I would never write.  

I’ve been dismissive of aged-up fics in the past that were aged up simply to enable sex scenes without triggering the dreaded Underage tag.  Not as in “no one should ever write those,” but as in “this isn’t my cup of tea as an author.”  But a scene jumped into my head, and it inspired a thought... if Marinette and Adrien _did_ jump straight to age nineteen for the purposes of my story, what happened in those years in-between?  

“Porn Without Plot is like Faith Without Works” was one of the first tags on this one.  Yes, Our Heroes bump uglies in this one... frequently.  But don’t let that scare you off.  There is a lot of exploration here that doesn’t involve bodies, such as: 

Why isn’t Marinette actively Ladybug any more?  Why did Adrien disappear for two years -- and what happened on the night that caused it?  Why is Plagg absolutely furious at Adrien?  How will Adrien explain any of this to his onetime partner -- or to Marinette -- or to both at once, once he recovers from the shock of knowing that they’re one and the same?  And what will the other Kwamis think about all of this?

Lighthearted at its core, angstful when necessary, sexy without being explicit, full of difficult conversations and circumstances.  It’s not about what they’re up to; it’s about why. 

ONE-SHOTS:

A Little Promise I’d Made Myself (Complete) (AO3)

It's New Year's Eve in Paris, and at Rose's house, the classmates (among many others) are having quite a party. Adrien is sipping on his punch, watching merriment ensue, and wondering what the right next move is for him... until he sees a certain classmate sitting by herself, looking less than enthusiastic.

Can these crazy kids find a way to make it work?

Of course they can.

I’m cheating with this one -- it was posted in the last week of 2019.  But it’s New Year’s Eve and this is a New Year’s Eve story and I’m pimping it out, dammit.

Revisit this one and picture That Kiss when midnight arrives wherever you are, okay?

Perhaps I Failed To Think This Through... (CRACKFIC, complete) (AO3)

Gabriel Agreste's first transformation startled him with the changes to his physical form, the raw power at his command, and the endless possibilities that his magical proxies might provide.

But it's always a good idea to try a test run first... and maybe run your designs past a focus group, or something.

Crackfic based around Gabriel’s first attempt at villainy once gaining the power of Nooroo.

It... doesn’t go well.

Some Said He Had No Sense Of Humor (Complete) (AO3)

While wandering down in the room containing Emilie's chamber, Nooroo makes a very startling discovery. He reports it to Gabriel... who demonstrates absolutely no surprise. Little does Nooroo know that his day of surprises is just beginning... and what Gabriel truly has in mind, he will never see coming.

Crackfic based around Emilie’s coma... or lack thereof.  What if Emilie really wasn’t in magical stasis -- and for the least predictable of reasons?

As always... I send my warmest regards to my readers.  Your feedback and comments are always welcome, and they make writing these stories worthwhile.  Stay well, stay happy, stay away from hairy men in trenchcoats, and stay tuned for what next year will bring.  It _has_ to be better than what this one did... right?

[life-simplycomplicated]

2020 of Gratitude

I am grateful for...

1. Health: We often take for granted our good health. The ability to walk, breath, use our strength to lift anything. Covid really has crippled the way we live our lives. To those who suffered at the hands of Covid I hope they recover both in mind and body. Many people I know are fortunate not have have come across Covid in their lives and I hope it continues in that direction. We have a vaccine now which gives light at the end of this very dark tunnel 2020 has been. 

2. Relationships: Many changes have happened as we adapt to living with the fear of Covid. We have all had to curtail our friends circle of whom we meet. Some relationships have weakened and others have become stronger. I am luckily to have such a wonderful friend group and loving partner. Even though we have limited hang out sessions, the ones that are had are that more special. 

3. Helpers: “when I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me,’ Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” - Mr. Rogers. I have come to a point in my life where I am not only able to help others just through moral support. It feels good when I am able to help without worrying how it may affect my finances. My mom told me my grandmother was the type to help others even if it puts herself in a tough position. I guess one can say I inherited her kind heart to help those I care about and those in need. 

4. Simple comforts: Do you enjoy curling up in a blanket on the couch to watch something? What about stepping into a hot shower when it is super cold in the house? I like to drink hot Cocoa outside when its super cold in the morning or even at night. I love the warm feeling of getting back into bed and its still warm and toasty while it is cold in the room. 

5. Healthy work environment: I was working in a horrible place 2018-late 2019. Things have changed and there are many ups and a few downs with the new format of having work in satellite homes across the county. I am working with better people both in staffing and those I help service. To sigh and take a deep breath in your car before work to compose yourself is a sign you may be in a bad place. I no longer have to do that and it feels so good to go into work do my hours and go back home without carrying negative feelings within me. 

6. Family: I consider my friends are my family. I had a rough falling out with mine during my college years. I was adopted by my friends family and they too are family to me. I look up to them and am thankful for all they have done for me over the years. My friends may have heard me say how much I love them and how important they are to me. My words only encapsulate only a small portion of my feelings. I do not believe they will truly know how much they mean to me. That is fine though as I feel my love may be overwhelming to them. I am happy being able to share my life with my friends and family. Oh yeah, my relationship with my biological family is fine now. I love my mom and dad and will always have a place for them in my heart. Thanks for giving me life and allowing me to grow my bonds to those I love. 

2020 has been a crazy year because of Covid. I started my year off great with the new year and then going to Korea in February. Covid in Korea was little to no cases when I went. No one really though Covid would be as serious and deadly until it was too late. It could have been avoided but those in charge decided to not care. When I came back I was excited for the annual Tahoe cabin trip we have. Right before the trip my Aunt passed away from a heart attack. This devastated me as she was like a second mom to me growing up. I was a pall bearer for the first time. I felt great honor in being selected. The day of the funeral I had to suit up and power through with such a heavy heart. Right after I rushed to Tahoe for the cabin trip. It was a strange feeling having just buried a loved one and then going out to have fun.

The cabin trip was crazy fun and one to live in infamy. Once I got home I went back to work and each night as I drove to work I could not hold back my tears and cried for about a week each night. I am lucky to have such great support from many loved ones. As the months passed by many things kept hitting the world from wild fires to almost having WW3 happen. I was able to get through the year with lots of tennis and small hang outs with my bubble of friends. There are other things in my year that had a negative affect on me and I would rather just forget about them. 2020 was a difficult year for many. I feel lucky as I had a stable job through out all of the pandemic. Strong support from friends and family. Able to pay rent without worrying if I will make ends meet. Always had food on the table that could be shared with friends and family. All my basic needs are and were met. 2020 was bad, but I was one of the few fortunate ones who did not suffer the many hardships brought by the Covid pandemic. 

[ladykeane]

hi! i just read the fic 'clausura' on ao3 and i really liked the premise so could i request something with reg helping bertie through a panic attack in the bertie's blog verse? i've been having quite a few recently and i wish i had someone like reg to help me through them. thank you!!

Prompt (finally) filled! I hope you don’t mind Nonny, but I switched the script and had Bertie help Reg instead.

I try not to put too much real world strife into this series, but I think COVID-19 is too invasive to ignore. Wash your hands, follow medical advice, and keep calm and carry on. Also practice good mental self-care if you don’t have a household Wooster to do it for you!

‘Who was that Scottish chappie, Reg?’‘Bertram?’‘You know, the one who always banged on about schemes and gangs and aglets, or something.’It took me a moment to detangle the meaning of my beloved’s question.‘You may be referring to the poet Burns, and the oft-quoted excerpt of his poem “To A Mouse”:“The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley,an’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain, for promis’d joy!”’‘That’s it. Someone ought give him an editorial spot with The Independent.’‘I fear it would be a posthumous one, Bertram.’‘Oh. Shame, that.’

I suspect that Bertram was musing on the peculiar times that we curently find ourselves in: a land of toilet paper scarcity, face masks, and widespread uncertainty. He had just come home from a foraging trip through the local supermarkets. Though he looked somewhat the worse for wear, had scored a few bags of root vegetables, some bulk wet wipes, and a good four kilograms of cat litter. His Code of the Woosters had driven him to volunteer for the onerous task. I quickly moved to prepare a pot of his favoured Darjeeling.

My own onerous task for the day had been an earlier phone call to my mother, informing her that the intricate and expensive planning that we’d gone through for my wedding to Bertram would, for now, amount to naught. The immediate future was a grey fog, and no-one could say for sure when it would be safe to re-schedule the ceremony.‘Was Rani alright when you phoned?’ Bertram asked, casting an errant shred of packing foam from his hair, before scrubbing his hands raw under the kitchen tap.‘She bore up. She wishes to give the catering company a very stern phone call for their refusal to refund our deposit. But as she is currently so busy at the medical centre, I doubt she will find the time or energy.’'I imagine the old girl has her hands full with panicking tabloid readers, eh?’'Quite so, Bertram. She told me that more of her time has been spent counselling healthy young people with the sniffles, than administering to her truly vulnerable patients.’'Blackguards. May they all run out of loo roll!’'Indeed.’We then passed a more sedate afternoon over our laptops. Bertram meticulously tended to his famous blog, while I prepared some documents for a fastidious client, keen to protect her assets against the variable economic climate. The cats, who were quite pleased with our increased presence in the flat, snoozed together on the tabletop between us.As I rose for a second cup of tea, I considered their purring, languid forms. Not for the first time, I urged myself to maintain my my sangfroid. It was in unsettled times like this that my reputedly cool demeanour was truly put to the test. While I would not confess to being a total control freak, I do appreciate order and consistency a great deal. It is the environment in which I best flourish, and I confess that the mounting chaos around us had been persistenly pricking at my nerves.

As I poured the remaining tea, I recieved a phone call from an unknown number.'Hello, this is Reginald Jeeves.’'Good afternoon, Mr Jeeves, I’m calling from Bethnal Green Medical Centre. I understand that you are a co-worker of a Mrs Beatrice Akinyemi?’'Yes, she is a paralegal at my firm.’ I felt my insides begin to clench.'Have you been in contact with Mrs Akinyemi within the last fourteen days, sir?’'I saw her at the office just a few days ago.’'I am obliged to inform you that she has recently tested positive for COVID-19. Given your recent contact, you and your household will be obliged to self isolate for a minimum of fourteen days, and monitor the onset of any symptoms. Have you or any of your houshold members experienced a high fever or persistent coughing?’My words stuck in my throat, and my heartbeat accelerated.'Sir?’'Is Bea alright?’'She last reported some mild flu-like symptoms, but she is not currently in a critical condition. As she is not in a high-risk category, her prospects of a full recovery are good. Can you please confirm if you or any of your household have been experiencing related symptoms?’’…No.’'Are any of your household members over the age of sixty, or do they have a pre-existing autoimmune condition?’'Paul… he’s not in my household, he is my co-worker. He and his husband are-’'We will be contacting Mr Seppings, to advise him of this development.’'Thank you.’'Should you develop any symptoms, your household will need to remain in self-isolation for a further fourteen days. Please refer to the NHS website to keep up to date with any developments. And do try not to worry too much. These are necessary precautions, which are in place to minimise the spread of the virus. You and your colleagues will likely be fine, long-term.’I nodded tightly, unable to find further words.After an uneasy pause, 'Have yourself a good day, Mr Jeeves.’ The line went dead.

The last I had seen of Bea had been last Friday, shuffling listlessly out of the office doors, laden down with a loot of groceries. She had two loud, hungry teenage sons at home.I thought of Paul and Anatole. Both were ex-smokers, their lungs still in the process of repairing decades of damage. I thought of my mother, swamped with desperate patients, a face mask clamped over her mouth.

I was suddenly unable to get enough air into my own lungs. My throbbing hearbeat seemed to overtake everything, pounding in my throat and my ears. I gripped at the kitchen counter with trembling clawed fingers. What was worst was the blank terror in my mind, my inability to think my way out of the paralysis. This godawful panic had saturated its way through my whole body.

The kitchen door opened behind me, Bertram bearing his own empty teacup.'Reg…?’ His voice was delicate.I tried not to sob as I felt tears escape my eyes.

After a few moments, his slow, slippered footsteps approached, and he softly draped his slender form upon my back. His arms slipped around my waist, and he rested his head on my shoulder. With my sharp, jagged inhales, his curls began to tickle my face.I could feel his own breaths, deep, even, tender. His body was a reassuring weight, and his hands began stroking up and down my arms.

'Come with meAnd you’ll beIn a world of pure imaginationTake a look and you’ll seeInto your imagination…’

We’ll beginWith a spinTravelling in the world of my creationWhat we’ll see will defy explanation…’

As he sang, my heartbeat gradually slowed, falling in time with the unhurried tempo he had set. The tear tracks dried on my face.I found my words once more. 'Willy Wonka, Bertram?’'Well… you look like you could use some chocolate.’

He sat me down, and presented me with a family block of Cadbury’s along with my refreshed tea.'That was Bea’s GP. She has tested positive, so we must isolate for the next two weeks.’'Ah, well.’ He broke off a large piece and popped it in his mouth. 'It was bound to happen to one of us, sooner or later. Knowing Bea, her immune system’s already got the dratted thing running scared. Have you called her?’Tightness constricted my throat again, and Bertram was surprisingly astute. He rested his hand on mine. 'She’ll be alright, I promise you. So will the others. Anatole’s arsenal of garlic-heavy dishes will will be a formidable first defence, for one thing.’

I exhaled heavily. ’…I haven’t had such an episode of panic since secondary school.’ I felt a layer of shame now pressing upon my ravaged core.Bertram tsked. 'Oh, I got panic attacks all the time at Eton. Must have been all the stress from constantly dodging my house master’s fury. It always helped to cocoon myself in bed. I hope that the spindly Wooster corpus provided a passable impromptu shock blanket for you!’He laughed lightly, then his gaze settled on mine. I was pulled into a lengthy embrace. He spoke no more, instead imparting all that I needed through his sweet, balmy presence.

***

'You wouldn’t believe what a help my Simon has been,’ Bea told me, her congested voice even more distorted through the phone. 'Made a pea and ham soup last night that was actually edible. He even found a carton of my favourite ice-cream at the back of the Tesco freezer!’'So your appetite is still sound?’ I questioned.'Yeah, just have to deal with this bloody cough. Otherwise, staying in my PJs and binge-watching telly all day has been quite the holiday. The doc told me I’ll likely recover just fine.’'I am relieved to hear it.’'You just make sure you’re looking after yourself, Reg.’ Her tone had turned stern and auntly. 'Though I’m sure that that Bertram of yours is nursing you well proper. Do as he says, alright?’'I will be sure to.’'I’m gonna start on season 3 of “The Crown”, now. I promise I’ll keep spoilers to myself. Talk soon, love.’'Take care, Bea.’

I hung up, turning my attention to Vasily, warm and pliant in my lap. I scratched his ears and he purred deeply.'Dinner will be ready in about five, Reg,’ Bertram announced from the kitchen. 'Is beans on spelt toast with sauted red onions alright?’I chuckled to myself. 'That will be superlative, my shaman.’

[myeternalsin]

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Hello everyone! 2020… WOW. Can I just say that it has been a complete and utter rollercoaster! IT’S BEEN AWFUL! I am making this post to explain multiple things about myself, my stories, my accounts, etc, so grab a cup of your favorite drink and finger snacks because this is gonna be one long a*$ post! (Excuse my French, but considering everything I’m about to explain I felt like I needed to write that!)

First off, 2020. I believe everyone thought that 2020 was going to be their year. Everyone had their hopes and spirits high to the skies. I was one of those many people. I celebrated New Years Eve with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years and thought this year would be perfect. Valentines day on a Friday, my 21st birthday on Easter, 4th of July on a Saturday, etc. COVID-19 happened. I live in Cedar Rapids Iowa where honestly, my governor had and still has done sh*t about COVID-19. 

Around the end of March I was hit with some very hard information. 

The daycare I worked at, 8-5, as a full time job during the week of spring break had it’s numbers DROP. I went from a class of 12 children to a minimum of 4 a day to a maximum of 7 children. I was even given Wednesday off along with my teacher assistant as we were TOO overstaffed at the center. Usually when I leave work at 5 o'clock, there’s about 20 to 25 children left by the end of the day since we close at 6. I should have known that Monday that the week was going to get worse. There were only 6 CHILDREN at the center when I left EARLY at 4:30. The next day I came home at 10 since we were overstaffed again, and was called at noon that our daycare was shut down. I’m laid off. Start filing for unemployment. 

I was completely HEARTBROKEN. I was truly hoping to stay open, not for the pay or to “get the virus so I can stay home” as some of my co workers joked-but to stay open for the CHILDREN. I was praying that they could get through this and that this whole COVID-19 would blow ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL over soon… boy, was I WRONG! 

I celebrated my 21st birthday at the apartment with my boyfriend instead of bar hopping since everything was shut down. I was completely and utterly BOARD. I had no clue what to do with myself! During this time, my boyfriend was also stuck in the apartment instead of at the office. While we were at the apartment, there was this trend on TikTok called the “towel drop challenge”. I was honestly thinking that since were both cooped up in this tiny apartment that was could, ya know, get it on~

Three and a half years. I was with this boy for three and a half years without ever losing my V-card! I mean, we’d tried on multiple occasions but I just never got my cherry popped. I was told by my mom that any boy would have taken my virginity by now and not waited this long. I even asked him a year after we were together if he was possibly gay or asexual. Which wouldn't have been a problem AT ALL! I have no hate against him however he identified sexually, I just wished that he would have told me or he would have done something about it. 

That fateful day, I let him know that I wanted his time and attention. He could have walked away from his computer. There were times where he’d either be on his phone with his head down while “working”, or he’d come out into the living room to play a video game for half an hour while still “logged in and working”. I was hoping to just get ten minutes of his time. I was lying in my bed, naked and waiting for him. I know he saw me too, yet he didn’t do anything. It was the end of his work work shift, and I was waiting with anticipation for him to just POUNCE on me. 

He gave me a kiss on the forehead and said, “I’m going downstairs to do laundry.”

My whole entire being shattered. I was completely DEVASTATED. I always asked myself after every time we tried having sex if something was wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough? Is it because I got bigger throughout the years we were together? Was it because I was inexperienced? Was I performing wrong on him when we would do stuff? I was pretty sure I was attracted to him both physically and personality wise. So what was wrong?

I got so upset and started screaming and yelling at him while crying everything out about not only what he just did, but about everything. In the end, I just collapsed on the bed and said “I want to go home.” I was like a broken record, uttering that saying over and over again.

So, I moved out. I am still living with my parents, and honestly it was rough and still is. I became so depressed. This boy was my best and sadly only friend I ever had. I had pushed away all of the friends I used to have because of him. I tried contacting some old friends, but they had all moved on with their lives. Everyone’s getting married, engaged, having kids, having pets, graduating college. I had nothing, or at least it felt like it at the time.

No friends, no boyfriend, moved in with my parents, and no job.

That’s right. The owner of the daycare never hired me back on, along with six other staff members. Around the beginning of July, I was wondering why I hadn’t been contacted to come back to work. I was willing to travel even though I didn’t live in that city anymore because of the breakup. I was notified by a coworker that they were back to work already a month ago and she was wondering where I was! I called the daycare and never went through to anyone about why I wasn't back.

I felt so useless. A failure. Disappointment. I wanted to not exist. 

I knew that I shouldn’t have had these thoughts, and it scared the shit out of me that my mind was not only thinking it-but the feeling and urge to actually follow through with it.

So, I contacted my doctor. Got some antidepressants, and am trying to get a therapist at the moment. My doctors building with their therapist are practically booked with everything going on. It’ll still be a little bit before I can talk to someone. I was told by my doctor to try to find something to do that peaks my interest. I thought of my work and you guys. I’m proud of the writing I have and can’t believe I left you guys hanging, both on request and stories. I found something I could do to lift my spirits up yet again!...

PHSYIC!

August 10th 2020, I woke up at 10 in the morning. I made a hearty breakfast and an iced coffee for the first time in FOREVER! I was pumping myself up to get on here and to start writing again! After I was done eating, the city sirens went off.

“Is there a tornado?” I asked my parents. They themselves didn’t know either because both cable and the electricity went out as soon as I asked. We all hurried downstairs with all three and a half dogs as the wind picked up and the rain became more heavy. (I said a half because M,W,F we babysit my sister's little beagle dog.)

We sat and waited for the storm to be over and we were wondering what was going on. My dad was about to get up when BOOM! The house shook and vibrated all around us.

My mom started crying hysterically, my dad tried to comfort the dogs and create a barrier for them not to go upstairs, and I just kinda sat there. It was like I wasn’t really registering what was going on. Maybe it was because I was trying to stay positive? Maybe a couple branches just smashed the siding of the house or window? Were the antidepressants not allowing me to cry and freak out? I wasn’t sure what was going on with me at the time. 

The rain stopped and my parents went upstairs to check everything out while I stayed downstairs with the dogs.

“Drip!”

“Argh! What the!?” I exclaimed as I showed my flashlight on my phone to the ceiling. It was dripping from the heating and cooling vent. I saw other droplets of water along the Styrofoam tile ceiling, and followed the trail towards the small kitchen area where there was water IN the ceiling light!

“Uhhhh, guys?” I yelled to my mom and dad upstairs.

“Wait a couple minutes sweetie!” My mom responded back as I started to hear their hurried feet running around upstairs.

“We got water coming downstairs!” I hollered as I grabbed a couple of empty solo cups I had downstairs since I was living down there to start collecting the water.

“Yeah? That’s ’cause we got a hole in the house!” My dad yelled.

The big tree in the backyard that was planted from the previous owner back in the 1950’s crashed into the living room from this storm we later learned 3 days later called Derecho. We’ve been recovering for about a month now. Almost everything is back to normal. 

We got power and water back 2 weeks ago from today, the internet back a week ago, and cable has been kind of wonky. We’ve been wanting nothing but the news and were able to have cable for ONE DAY. It crashed and we still don’t have cable. We’ve tried antennas but they just aren’t working in our location. 

The downstairs floor is ruined. We had to rip out the carpet and the floors now have asbestos. I live upstairs now in the guest room and we’re pretty much confined to the entry way since we still have a huge hole in the living room. No comfortable seating either. We’re hoping to hear back from the insurance claim sometime this week… but there's a possibility that we might just have to move if the damage is too much. 

To put the good old fashioned cherry on top, one of our dogs may no longer be with us this week. She hasn’t eaten in the past couple of days and is only drinking water. We’re taking her to the vet tomorrow to see what’s going on, or if she’s suffering too much.

Honestly… 2020 can F#@! OFF! It’s been such an awful year! But! I am ready to get back into the swing of things and get back to writing and writing for you guys again!

I was going to explain some things about my accounts and rules but I feel a tad bit drained after writing this all out, and I haven't typed on a keyboard in so long! My wrists HURT! Give me a couple of hours and I'll be back with a PSA part 2! I will be posting this to all of my accounts so no one is left out of the loop. Be back soon! 

~MyEternalSin

[cloudoclock]

Change among other things...

Hello, to whoever is reading this and I hope you’re doing well during this time! I’ve taken time away from basically everything in the past 3 weeks and I think this is the first time I’ve properly reflected on myself since 2017. This post is another long read (when are they not), but I would appreciate it if you read it.

I consider this as an open letter to future me, hopefully, recovered from the mess  I am in.

Its the 20th of June, I’ve just ordered a skipping rope and a pick ‘n’ mix box. I’m pretty tired and I don’t think I’ve had a good nights sleep in a month, but my wind-down routine is kind of building itself during such an odd time. If I’m being honest, my self-hatred is astronomical and I’ve stopped caring about my health. This week I reinstalled memento on my laptop and made a hefty to-do list, but I got 1/4 of a task finished this entire week. Tomorrow is Sunday and I’ve decided it’s time to start some real change within...

1 - My Identity

Without a doubt, The Black Lives Matter movement of this year and the strong social shift following the death of George Floyd has had an effect on everyone. If you didn’t know I am a Black Lesbian Young Woman living in the UK and the fight for my life to matter has been my whole life. I have struggled immensely to make my voice heard because one way or another, the aspects of my identity has had barriers set against me. In short, I have been feeling well and truly worthless because of the colour of my skin, but the one realisation I had was the normality surrounding that. Having discussed this with family and friends on social media, I found that we were taught to understand that the world hates us and that we found it so normal for us to just accept that we can hurt but we must do it quietly. I was very vocal on my Instagram the first 2 weeks of the current uprising and it was both empowering and scary. I have exposed too so much traumatic content and the disgusting reaction from racists had really set my mind back. In 2016, I wasn’t so involved because I was young and very confused about where my voice was relevant. I’m still trying to recover from those two weeks and remind myself that I AM important.

2 - My Academics

In the second week of my consistent posting on Instagram, I came to the conclusion that I was so far gone mentally, that there was no way I would be able to keep up with the bare minimum that I was doing. For the first time ever, I emailed my assistant head of sixth form to give me extended leave and decided that I would pour my effort into keeping up with the protests and information on the movement. While that did put stress on my shoulders, I realised that an extended leave wasn’t going to stop the mental incapacities that I have been pushing down for such a long time. 2020 was supposed to be my bounce-back year and my initial issues were that I didn’t anticipate any setbacks. Ever since GCSE’S I’ve been struggling with anxiety and self-punishment in a number of ways. Now that I’m getting older and I have so much more responsibilities, I really can’t get away with squashing down the effects of stress anymore. Today I’m attempting to face my struggles head-on and I am going to start mending myself. I really could cry sometimes, but COVID has made me realise that even if I have all the time in the world, I won’t do anything if I am not setting myself up for it mentally.

3 - A change of scenery

I haven’t really mentioned, but my mum has been in hospital since around Easter of 2019 and I’ve had to live with my sister. This meant that all through GCSE’s and up til now, I haven’t had my own space to settle,  work or detach. I know that libraries and after school sessions are places that I could go to do work, but I personally find comfort being in such a personal space. Thankfully, my mum now had a new house, but the qualms that come with it are renovations and stolen time. Although I was very excited to be doing practical work and dipping my toe into interior design skills at my own home, I am now sick of going back and forth. Doing this whole thing during the peak of Coronavirus in the UK hasn’t necessarily helped and its basically been the only place I can “relax” away from home. The great news is that I will be moving in the next few weeks and I finally have control again. I’ve been drawing a scale of my room, making lists and thinking about all the stuff I have. Although I will be getting my own space, I am aware that I cannot just carry my stuff from one place to another. I’ve been really getting into sustainability and minimalism (not what is on youtube) and I know that I have to start condensing my school bulk. I do not need all of it and I know my binders are stuffed with papers that I couldn’t care less about.

WHAT NOW ?

Tomorrow is Sunday and I’ve decided that there seriously needs to be some change from within. I’ll be blogging about steps I take every few days to get closer to this, including a short video. I have mental health issues, so things like this do not come naturally to me, but I know it has to happen before I move into my new space. 

If you’re feeling the same, I would appreciate your comments and interactions with this post. If you know someone who would benefit from this, please share it with them and have a discussion. We are undeniably lonely at this time because of being stuck inside for so long but please challenge yourself for yourself. I guess you could call this Ivy Showers’ 2-week Stress Shred lol.

I love you random person and I hope you have a great day/evening/night x

[themedicalmanofmystery]

Documentary

November of 2018 I decided that I wanted to return back to school/TAFE/Uni. I have spent a large part of my life trying to find a creative outlet for the ton of idea's that race around my brain daily and not having the means or the confidence to release that creativity. I mean this is before we are even talking about life and health issues getting in the way which eventually leads to a Doctor give me the name of the website and the documentary that is incoming. I had thought about and still think about dabbling with it all. I wanted to be a pro wrestler as I love the industry and its unique way in which melds physical storytelling with verbal and more traditional storytelling, these days because of my medical issues, I now think of how creatively or any other job bar being a wrestler I could get involved with wrestling. I even thought about being and still do think about being a stand up comic again for their unique way of storytelling and how they can make that humorous. I have thought about acting, voice acting, radio, audiobooks, making old school type radio shows, podcasting, heck I even wrote 5 hip hop songs, etc the lot you name it I have thought about it, dabbled a bit into it then for one reason or another be it health, cost, life or the fact that while I portray someone that is confident there is none their, while not worried what people think of me, I am worried about feeding them material. I decide that I want to go to university so I can do a film course as I want to be a director while waiting for offers, one of my medical issues come up and I end up in the hospital. I end up getting an offer come through that I had been accepted on a Thursday morning it stated that I had to enroll tomorrow and that classes started Monday, so I was already under the pump as I only had the weekend to recover and when I re-read my offer I discovered it was a course that wasn't for film and media it was digital technologies which are for graphic design, animation, and video editing. I thought about it for a while and saw it as a chance to develop some new skills and maybe find a passion or an interest in something that I didn't have before. I lasted to partway into the second semester when I made up my mind to leave and apply for the film course at another TAFE/University, I got accepted and basically had 4-5 months to sort myself out and think about what I was gonna film/shoot, etc. My anticipation and vigor to get into this course was something that I hadn't for a while, I spent some much time in and out of hospital and not able to do much of anything that it had killed my passion for a lot of things. This however stoked a fire that hadn't been but needed to be stoked for a long time, my creativity. I have always had a creative mind whatever that creativity maybe from writing stories to writing songs to wrestling, to stand up comedy to making film/tv and the one essential to all my creativity is the storytelling. While never having done any of them as a full-on career, or more than occasional bases or jokingly with mates or even not at all, I have always appreciated the art forms and wanted it to be one of the fields I entered, it has always been my confidence that I have struggled with. Not that many people that know me would believe it but it has always been that which has held me back. The course starts and like most of us in the early days of a new course, I'm off to a flyer. I have stories and idea's coming out my mind left, right, and center. I can barely keep up with my own thoughts most of the time, we are given a task that we are to write and produce a web series. I got a general idea of how and what I want to do and start aiming to achieve that goal. I conduct the research I need to do, continue developing my idea and then the world decides that a global pandemic is happening. I am certainly not questioning the seriousness of the pandemic nor making light of it as people have lost their lives and that is truly horrible, I am only going to be referring to it about my situation concerning the course. What happens, of course, is a situation we are all in worldwide, everything shuts down and we are all required to stay home and social distance.  Classes start being online through zoom and ideas now have to change. We may not be able to hire or use actors, we may not be able to use filming equipment. So discussions with the lecturers lead to them suggesting me to do the one thing I really don't wanna do, they suggest I make a documentary about myself and my family during Covid-19. I joined this course to tell stories and make film/tv and I wanted if anything to make modern Hitchcock/noir-like films, I even wanted to make documentaries but about subjects out in the world probably to do with wrestling or sports or anything, anything that is except Ilario. I don't and didn't want to make a story about myself and certainly not about my personal life, I would have happily made a mockumentary or even fiction with everyone else in the family acting out parts but apparently, I'm and my story is interesting. I have thought about this long and hard, I have also changed my mind about 25 times in the two weeks since it been suggested, I have decided to accept the suggestion and make a documentary about myself. Even though I find it wanky and pretentious the situation I'm in has meant some home movie footage, family photos and 3 smartphones are going to film this documentary. The next bit came up having decided to make the documentary and working out how I'm going to shoot it now came the bit that is rather important, what will this documentary be about. Was it just going to be my life? Was it going to be about my family during Covid-19? Was I just going to hit record and pray a story come out of nothing? Truth be told I thought about and was stuck on one of those 3 but I knew that it wouldn't be good enough, so discussion with lecture gave me some clarity. It will be all 3 of those things plus this lovely bit here because essentially it is my life limitations physically and mentally plus the current pandemic that has left me in this situation, so I can keep having a moan about it or I can finally take the plunge and make the best thing with what I got, so who knows' this could be the worst thing ever or the best thing ever. I will be happy with just a good solid film and then take that knowledge forward and make interesting stories, the thing I wanted to do in the first place.

[billehrman]

A New Economic Cycle Has Begun

Recent economic statistics, especially the employment data, support our thesis that a new economic cycle has begun. It does not matter whether it is an elongated U,U or V  as long as the economy continues to move forward.

While a number of states (11) have paused opening further due to coronavirus outbreaks, the vast majority of states continue to move forward. All of this does not change our view that it will take until the end of 2022 for the economy to fully recover even if we have therapeutics in the fall and vaccines before the end of this year as we still expect. Therefore, we expect the Fed and the government to continue to supply huge amounts of monetary and fiscal stimulus which will support the economy and financial markets pushing investors further out on the risk curve. As the economy improves and capacity utilization rates rise, we would expect inflation to pick up from an abnormally low 0.5% annual rate to over 1.5% and the yield curve to steepen as the Fed holds short term rates near zero through 2022 as they have indicated. Clearly stocks are our asset class of choice but as you know, not all stocks will perform equally.

The employment numbers reported over the last two months were nothing short of phenomenal, well above anyone’s expectations. Non-farm employment rose by 4.8 million in June as employment in leisure and hospitality increased by 2.1 million; retail by 740,000; 568,000 in education and health services and even by 356,000 in manufacturing. Truly a reflection of a very broad-based improvement in the economy over the last month. Average hourly earnings and hours worked fell in the month. Employment gains have clearly buttressed the Conference Board’s consumer confidence index which rose to a surprisingly strong 98.1 in June from 85.9 in May. Both the present situation and short-term outlook indices improved meaningfully too. It is easy to understand now why retail sales and housing are rebounding so strongly.  The June manufacturing ISM report on business was strong too increasing to 52.6, indicating an expansion, from 43.1 in May. New orders were particularly strong as the index hit 56.4 up from 31.8 in May.  All in all, it is clear that the economy has bottomed, and a new economic cycle has begun.

While the news of coronavirus outbreaks got worse last week, it did not have much impact on the financial markets as the incidence of deaths are declining; physicians have learned to better treat the virus; and news on therapeutics and vaccines are getting more positive. States where outbreaks have increased meaningfully have finally slowed or paused opening further and are mandating masks and social distancing. Cases in those states should peak within a couple of weeks. That will be welcome news. Last week we heard from Gilead that they will have over 500,000 doses of Remdesivir available by September and many millions by year end. We also know that Regeneron is making great progress in this area too. And the big news of the week came from Pfizer who unveiled promising and detailed data on a trial of one of its experimental COVID-19 vaccines. The company expects to conclude its Phase 3 efficacy data in September and will have hundreds of millions vials available by next year. We expect to hear more and more positive news on therapeutics and vaccines in the weeks ahead. Our economic outlook for 2021 will get stronger once therapeutics are broadly available in the fall and vaccines early next which is our current expectation although not fully reflected in our 2021 forecasts.   Fed Chairman Powell and Treasury Secretary Mnuchin appeared before the House Financial Services Committee last week. Everyone is on the same page about the need for continued monetary stimulus and additional government support programs. Powell mentioned that he was surprised that the economy had begun rebounding so soon and with such strength. We fully expect Trump and Congress to agree on a substantial package to replace the Cares act before it expires on July 31.  Both the Fed and the government will remain ‘all in” well into 2022 no matter who is elected President in November. While most pundits have counted Trump out and Biden in, we are confident that the polls will narrow if the economy and information on the coronavirus improve as we move through the fall. While we favor Trump’s economic plan over Biden’s, we favor Biden’s social agenda and executive presence over Trump’s. Regardless of who wins in November, we cannot see much change in the direction of fiscal and monetary programs until the economy has fully recovered which most likely will not occur until the end of 2022. In addition, we expect unemployment to stay stubbornly high in the new normal economy which might preclude hiking corporate taxes in 2021 like Biden wants to do. No matter who wins in November, we expect the government to pass an infrastructure bill next year to stimulate growth and fill a major need.

Investment Wrap up

The financial markets continue to defy the pundits who have been looking for a top or at least a correction for months. While the markets have been supported by an inordinate amount of liquidity provided by the Fed and aggressive fiscal stimulus by the government, it now appears that the economy is finally kicking in too. While this is anything but an ordinary economic cycle, it is acting in many ways just like it: the economy weakens(now due to a pandemic); the Fed eases aggressively and the government cuts taxes or adds stimulus; then the economy slowly bottoms and resumes growth once again. Clearly there are major differences here beside the sheer magnitude of the Fed and government actions.  Remember that the Fed will remain all in for another two years suppressing rates and providing liquidity even as the economy recovers, and the government is still likely to pass several additional stimulus programs broadening out to include programs to stimulate demand such as an infrastructure program. Wow, could we overheat, or at least see inflation meaningfully increase?  It is possible but not likely as the new normal on the other side will be quite different from where we started. The CBO is projecting a 5.9% decline in GNP in 2020 rebounding 4.8% in 2021 and unemployment at 10.5% at year-end improving to a still high 7.6% by the end of next year. Why? Corporations will keep a lid on S, G and A expenses as well as hiring as they have seen that they can do the same, and even more, with less without any loss in productivity even as employees work at home during the pandemic. Why? It all comes down to technology such as video conferencing for internal and external meetings. Just imagine the cost savings from less space needs, less travel and entertainment, and fewer redundancies. Yes, we expect corporate operating margins to improve in the new normal which is very good for stocks historically.

The bottom line is that we expect the environment to remain favorable for risk assets, most notably stocks, industrial commodities and gold. We clearly would not own bonds with any duration over three years as we see inflation picking up as the economy recovers and the yield curve steepening despite actions of the Fed to suppress it. Our portfolios continue to emphasize great technology companies who have saved us during the pandemic, will assist us bigtime as we move through to the other side and beyond. In addition, we own companies whose demand has benefitted from more time spent outdoors and in one’s home due to the pandemic. Some defensive growth companies with above average, ever increasing dividend yields can be owned as well.  We continue to avoid those companies who demand will remain weak due to the pandemic as the risk owning them simply just does not justify the reward.

Our weekly webinar will be held on Monday July 6th at 8:30 am EST. You can join the webinar by entering https://zoom.us/j/9179217852 into your browser or dialing +1 646 558 8656 and entering the password ID 9179217852.

Remember to review all the facts; pause, reflect and consider mindset shifts; look at your asset mix with risk controls; turn off your cable business news; do independent research and…

Invest Accordingly!

Bill Ehrman

Paix et Prospérité LLC

917-941-4139