#all i know is that somehow they managed to turn p&p into a standard big city woman returns to her hometown and reunites with herr

[whenthegoldrays]

Every day I am haunted by “Darcy Fitzwilliam” (female protagonist of a Hallmark Channel genderbent remake of Pride and Prejudice)

[bahorell]

Les Amis (& co.) and the stuff they have on their walls

Enjolras: Pictures of his friends. I loved this idea so much I had to expand on it so it’s the shortest paragraph here but he’ll have his own post in a couple days I PROMISE

Combeferre: He has framed bugs!!! They are mostly moths but he also has some really rare expensive beetles that he’s gotten for Christmas. One winter break when he really had nothing going on he did a bunch of research on what all of the bugs were and has little hand-written pieces of paper taped to the wall underneath the bugs with all the info like a little MUSEUM OMG it’s literally the cutest thing. And if you’ve never been to his place before he makes you pick which one if your favorite.

Courfeyrac: Has a bunch of plants all over the walls. They’re so big that he has nails in the walls and any vining plants he’ll hang the vines on the walls so they look like they’re crawling up the walls. He also strategically places big plants like any trees he has or Monsteras in corners or next to dressers. He really doesn’t like putting too much stuff on his walls because he thinks it’s a lot of commitment. He doesn’t really have a lot of printed pictures of his friends and he doesn’t really have enough art to fill a wall space without making it look awkward. 

Joly: Joly is one of those really really cool guys that glues and frames all of the puzzles he finishes. Every time he goes somewhere he’s never been before he’ll go into a little tourist shop and buy the biggest puzzle he can find (the more pieces the better). There’s a separate table in the living room that he sits at and works on his puzzle at while he watches Grey’s Anatomy. He’s always rearranging things because he likes everything to have a you know that feng shui so his walls have a bunch of nail holes in them. He’s also quickly running out of wall space because now his friends have started gifting him puzzles as well. 

Jehan: Jehan LOVES to collect calendars! But not just like… monthly calendars. They have moon phase calendars, lunisolar calendars, a really really cool mayan calendar replica, a roman calendar, seasonal calendar for things like when to plant and harvest fruits and veggies!, a crystal calendar, a japanese calendar… They really like to look at how different things look from different perspectives. The months look different on a seasonal calendar than they do on a “standard” calendar. It reminds them that they have more control over their time than they think they do. Bousset: Movie posters!!!! He has posters of all his favorite movies but he really is a sucker for the movie posters that are in a retro style. He tries to make sure to buy frames for all of the posters he has because he doesn’t want them to get ruined. He’s scared not only because he has bad luck but because all of his friends are slobs and if they come over you know someone is going to somehow get beer or lasagna on the wall and some of the posters were like limited edition and he CANNOT have them ruined. He also dusts them p regularly.

Feuilly: Feuilly collects but also makes a bunch of wood art that he is very proud of. Usually when he makes something he’ll keep the first draft of it since it isn’t polished enough for him to feel like he can try to sell it. It’s not very often he can find Purple Heart stuff but when he does he really struggles to say no if it’s out of his budget. Also he has a few pieces of moss art that he ADORES

Bahorel: Collects a bunch of small random things that he finds. Pretty much he thinks if he CAN hang it on a wall that he SHOULD hang it on a wall. There’s art pieces, cards he’s gotten from people, business cards that have a cute design on them, he has a shit ton of command strips that hang things like lanyards, his go-to jackets for easy access, his towel when he doesn’t feel like walking back to the bathroom to hang it up after he’s showered. He also has like 5 sets of mini battery powered string lights that he leaves on whenever he’s not sleeping (he spends a lot of money on batteries) 

Grantaire: His walls kinda work as his sketchbook when he’s home. He’s found that sometimes working on a vertical surface instead of a horizontal surface helps get the gears turning in his head. It makes him a little frustrated sometimes because he’ll have a whole piece that’s done on one of his walls and then he basically has to repeat yet and put it back on paper but it doesn’t feel the same. Since his walls are pretty much a free-for-all, all of the amis have painted something on them at some point. He tries not to paint over those spots but sometimes he has to. 

Marius: Marius has a bunch of shadow boxes of stuff. Most of them are antique items like he has a shadow box that has about 50 unused boxes of matches that are from all over the world, he has a shadow box of antique flies for fly fishing. He’s never fly fished before but seeing the colors on the flies makes him want to try it at least once. He makes most of them himself also! He has one that has a bunch of wine corks in it that he had been collecting for awhile. And he has one that has one item from each Ami that he asked them to contribute to. His favorite tho is the shadow box that is filled with metal caps from soda bottles. It was the first one he made and a lot of the caps he got one summer he spent with his dad when he was a kid trying to find the best brand of soda for each flavor.

Eponine: Eponine doesn’t have a lot of stuff on her walls, she never really has but ever since she got her apartment and moved out of her parents place she got a few art pieces. They aren’t framed or anything, she always thinks that if something happens and she has to move out of her place that big framed art pieces will just be one more thing she has to worry about. It never happens and she’s accumulated enough pieces that eventually she saves up some money and gets most of them framed. 

Cosette: When she was a kid her dad bought her a really beautiful wall quilt that she never took off her wall even if she was cold. They’re pretty expensive and she’s managed to collect a few other larger quilts but she also has signed up for classes at a local quilt shop and has a couple small little baby quilts she’s done as practice that she hung up. They make her so proud and she’s loved looking at how her skills have improved since she started!

Musichetta: Musichetta doesn’t have too much stuff on her walls. She has a couple pieces that are really pretty that she has framed, but one of her walls she doesn’t ever hang stuff on because a couple years ago she bought some super cool bright wallpaper that has a bunch of citrus fruits on it. It really adds a bunch of color to her apartment and even in the winter helps makes the place feel warm and bright. 

Gavroche: Gav has two of his walls covered in chalkboard paint! He does his homework on them sometimes but mostly he uses them to draw little doodles. One of the walls he hasn’t touched in months because Feuilly and Grantaire worked together on a super big mural for it that took them like 3 days. Gav won’t ever erase it but he has bumped into it enough times that it’s getting pretty smudged. Plus he figures if he erases it they can just do another one. But because he has chalkboard walls he doesn’t really have anything else on his walls. He maybe has one or two pictures on the last wall that isn’t being taken up by chalkboard or closet doors. 

[fourfucksake]

let it snow

request: Can you do something with Chris sleeping with a friend? Maybe she comes and stays over and it snowed to hard for her to leave. They watch a movie and drink a little and it leads to rough sex on the couch?

pairing: chris evans x fem!black!reader

warnings: language, smut

word count: 2k

p.s i’m sorry for being inactive! i’m fine, just lazy

Visiting Chris right before Christmas was a tradition that we both shared for a long time. A few years ago, we met while filming a movie together, and our friendship blossomed very quickly. Being casted for that movie was my first role ever; back then, the show-biz, “the” Hollywood was truly one big puzzle that I had to solve on my own. The role I had wasn’t big nor significant, but it meant everything to me. The memories from those filming days were so close to my heart. Not to mention the friendship I built with Chris Evans that was also very dear to myself.

In that movie, I played the girl Chris slept with several times and at the end she finally got him to solve a mystery which led to a plot twist. Despite this description, the role wasn’t really that big, and I only had like three scenes where my character was somehow important. As imagined, all the sex talks we had as our characters were the start of me developing crush on him. Yes, I adored him as a fan for years but after that once scene where we almost kissed (and had to reshoot it way too many times) made me go crazy over him. It was downright embarrassing that literally no man that I have ever slept with made me as turned on as Chris did by almost kissing me.

“Chris!” I yelled while greeting him, giving his body a warm hug. His huge arms wrapped around me always gave me the snuggest feeling inside, I loved the smallest touch of his affection on myself. A loud laugh left my lips as he picked me up, completely erasing the distance between us. I gave him a small peck on a cheek before my feet were back again on the ground. “No Dodger?” I asked out of curiosity after not being able to spot one of my favourite creatures. “Nope, not today. He is with Scott, I left him there since I only came to this house for a couple of days before going back to my brother’s. Didn’t want to move him around like that, you know?” He explained as he rested his shoulder on the doorframe while I undressed from the heavy winter clothing. I hanged my big, fluffy coat and took my boots off before we entered his big living room.

Our “Christmas Dinner” was filled with laughs and banter. I almost forgot how amusing Chris really was, he always did everything to make the other person laugh out loud. Being with him was always great fun and however horrible that sounds I was ecstatic when the snowfall outside transformed into an apocalypse. Of course, I pretended that I really need to head back home, and nothing will stop me, but Chris refused to let me leave in this weather. After twenty minutes of going back and forth in argument, I gave up. He seemed pleased which was a relief because I would’ve hated feeling like I’m not wanted.

Chris made us both a cup of hot chocolate as we continued to talk. We made a promise regarding Christmas gift, swearing on each other’s lives that they will only be unwrapped on an actual Christmas Day. Still, I had a feeling he will open his as soon as I leave through that door. My eyes rolled as he deliberated about how his gift was surely better than mine, Tired of his annoying whimpers, I picked a TV remote and started looking through films on Disney+. “This will shut you up for like an hour or, at least I hope so,” I said with a silly face and showed him the middle finger as he laughed in response.

Focusing on the TV screen, I tried not to think about different, erotic scenarios of the both of us. His presence near me was enough to make my thoughts livid. His hand was placed on my knee, which I could not stop thinking about, no matter how hard I tried to. If Chris knew what my dirty thoughts were including him in, he would most likely show me where the door is. Or, possibly, throw me out of the window. I couldn't help but stress in his presence. It was simply not possible not to. When I thought I could control myself around him, he would start stroking my thigh, driving my consciousness crazy. He could sense that I was nervous, or at least I thought that he could, because he looked at me with his bug puppy eyes. He said nothing, just stared in the bluntest way possible. I returned the stare, unable to form words that would make any sense.

Gazing into my eyes, he positioned his hand on my cheek. Involuntarily, a familiar shiver ran through my entire body. Ugh, he was perfect, and I hated him for it. I just knew I was not the only girl to feel this way about him. You didn’t have to know him to lust over his self. I opened my lips as he began to approach me, getting closer to my face with every millisecond. Our lips finally joined in a passionate kiss. My hand quickly rested on top of his, caressing the skin on his fingers which were placed on my face. My hormones were screaming and in a spare of the moment, (and inflow of confidence) I moved onto his laps and sat on them straddling. I took over the situation with dominance, but Chris quickly took it back when he put his hands on my ass and lifted me up to lay myself on my back on the couch.

“I wanted to do this for so long, you have no idea,” He whispered right into my lips as his hand slipped under the fabric of my sweatshirt. A long, drawn-out moan escaped my mouth as his lips found their way to the skin on my neck. I was panting hard with my mouth open. One of my hands landed between the locks of his hair that I pulled on. I cursed softly under my breath as his fingers tightened on my hip and then moved to my breasts that were still covered by the fabric of my top and lace bra.

“So damn beautiful.”  His words sounded like a tune to my ears. Now, I could confirm that no compliments sounded better than those formed by Mr. Chris Evans himself. His fingers sneaked into my private part once again as they slipped under my leggings. I consciously and willingly let them do so. I was already excited, maybe even more than I wanted to admit. Rarely has a man managed to bring me to this state by not doing anything special, but Chris definitely did.

My mind was full of thoughts concerning what we were doing in this very moment. Has he already done this with some other naive aspiring actress? Am I just another name on his long list waiting to be crossed out? My morals and standards, and more importantly, my substantial self-respect were all screaming at me right about now. Unfortunately, my thirst and excitement won the arguments inside my head. “Chris, p-please,” I whispered and desperately pulled the hair at the top of his head. “F-Fuck me,” My lips finally formed a dreadful plea for more.

Chris didn't wait any longer, as if I gave him an order that he had to obey. He quickly deprived my body of all of its clothing, his hungry gaze followed my flesh this whole time. He was discovering every inch of my skin for the first time, concentrating on it as if he wanted to remember every single detail. I did not want to do any worse than him, therefore my hands also started a fight with his clothes, aggressively removing them from his body.

“Condom, I need-“ He mumbled inexplicably, the second part of his sentence was most certainly inaudible but at least I understood what he started looking for from its first part. I watched him out as his fingers grabbed the fabric of his pants. He reached out to the pocket, grabbing a silver wrapper between his two fingers, and I stared at it with a rather surprised look. He was prepared for this and I let him. He knew or at least he wanted this to happen. And I let him. Stupid girl.

My eyes followed him precisely as he returned to me. His knees settled on the couch and I opened my own wide for him to view. I licked my two fingers slowly before directing them to my pussy, slowly caressing and massaging it. Chris was watching me this whole time and his gaze was getting more and more hungry which undoubtedly stimulated all my senses.

Our eyes reconnected and we both smiled at each other at the same time. I licked my lips as I watched the rubber material slide smoothly over his swollen cock. He got closer to me and hit my entrance with his dick several times which was met with a loud moan escaping my lips. I was seconds away from begging him to push inside of me, but my needs were met with his sudden actions. Satisfied was an understatement as I felt his impressive length penetrating my inside.

From the first thrust, his hips moved quickly, with force. I felt him whole, from his core to his round tip. I felt his body pressing onto mine as his balls slapped my flesh with each movement. I tilted my head back and gasped like a wounded animal. My hand blindly travelled to his muscular torso, digging my long nails into his skin. He hissed in response, but his movements became faster, only adding extra pleasure to my private part. I felt my insides pulsing in response to his dick slamming onto me.  

Chris grabbed my leg under the calf and placed my heel on his shoulder. I took advantage of this placement and stretched my leg at the knee as I placed it as comfortably as possible on his shoulder. My hand rested on my boob, which I squeezed, and his eyes rested on the new image in front of him. We didn't exchange a single word, but we both gave each other the right glances that boldly approved of every move on our part.

Feeling ecstatic to say the least, I enjoyed every moment. I needed this. I needed to forget about the world, cool my abusive emotions and relish this quick experience. He gave me precisely what I craved. Moreover, I was confident he adored it just as much, which I saw from the droplets of sweat running down his forehead and from his plump lips producing multiple curse words as his body moved within me. His chest rose quickly and fell rapidly with each hard thrust. I rolled my eyes in pleasure, unable to help myself. I was so close to the orgasm that the man of my dreams was driving me to.

Feeling his warmth inside of me made me toes curl. This was so fucking good. I could confidently say that he too enjoyed himself, which the droplets of sweat running down his forehead and a bunch of swear words escaping his plump lips indicated. His chest rose and fell quickly with each hard thrust. Unable to help themselves, my eyes rolled in great pleasure. My breathing was rapid and unsteady as he drove me to a needed orgasm. I couldn’t feel his cum inside of me but his moans and pleads ensured me of his sweet release.

We looked at each other’s eyes when our breathing finally normalized from all that we have done right on that poor couch. Thankfully, I sensed no strange atmosphere in the air that could foreshadow the end of our friendship. Everything seemed so normal, so platonic and I felt an unimaginable sense of relief. “Round two?” He scanned my face with a smirk placed on his lips and flames in his eyes. I smiled in response because no words were needed to answer his question. My legs wrapped around his hips once again, his posture bent down in order to link our lips in a kiss, indicating a fresh start to our next game.

[taliaquinn]

Why Me!? Chapter 19

Authors Note:                                                                                            Hiya peeps and geeks, I finally published chapter 19. I hope you Peeps like it. Dont forget to reblog, comment and like!! (They make me happy)

“Think about it, why would she want to talk to you,” Chloe mumbled struggling to shake off the sleepiness “Right now she only sees you as the boy who refused to stand up for her, Against the girl that threatened her in the bathroom”. 

Adrien was silent at the other end of the phone. “She told you about Lila threatening her in the bathroom?” Nonono. That was the worst thing that could happen. Now rumors are going to spread.

Chloe could only scoff in response. She knew exactly what Adrien was worrying about.

“Pfft uh yeah, Mari told us everything, gotta say Adrien I wasn't that surprised when she told us, Kagami on the other hand….”

“SHE TOLD KAGAMI!?!?!?” Adrien shouted upset. Upset at Marinette for telling everyone, even Kagami. He’s noticed that Kagamis been blowing him off and sometimes even downright refusing to talk to him at social events they both attend. 

Marinette told Kagami and Chloe everything about Lila, Adrien, and Alya when she called them a week ago. Chloe's heart broke at hearing the girl sob. Kagami was enraged, in fact, that was what spurred her into starting to plot revenge. Karma would wreak havoc on everyone who dared hurt the bluenette

“Yes Adrien Kagami Knows and before you go off and get all flustered, No we haven't spread rumors or told anyone. At Marinette's insistence." She spat. Adrien didn't deserve to be protected. But poor Marinette still refused to take any drastic actions.

“Thank you, Chloe” The Model still had the nerve to thank her and ignore Marinette's kind act. She's had enough. Sitting up straighter in bed Chloe opened her laptop and started typing an email to Marinette.

“You know who else she’s been helping Adrikins?” she said in a honey-laced voice, sickeningly sweet. 

This familiar voice caused a sense of growing dread in Adrien's stomach. He wasn't talking to P. M Chloe aka “Post Marinette” Chloe anymore, he was talking to the old Chloe Bourgeois, and Plagg help him if he somehow pissed her off. Swallowing down the sense of dread he asked.

“Who?”

“Nino, you remember him right? The guy you claimed was your best friend? But then again you turned your back on him, that seems to be a trend with you these days”

Nino. Of course, he remembered about Nino. Nino called him tearfully seeking comfort from his best friend after his breakup with Alya. Adrien could only weakly offer some comfort. HEY! He was dealing with his own stuff. Ladybug stole Plagg from him. He wasn’t Chat Noir anymore. Also, he didn't want to get dragged into the conflict. Plus he thought that Nino was overreacting. Alya deserved a second chance. Right?

“W-we’re still best friends” he stuttered out. Nino has Marinette's number!? That's great he can get her number from him!!!!

“Hmmph yeah sure whatever helps you sleep at night.” Chloe had the right to speak her mind. She was tired and grumpy. A deadly combination. If she had eye bags in the morning because of him she was going to block the boy,

 “I'm beginning to think that you’re new bestie is Lila” she mentioned

“That's ridiculous, we're just friends”

Chloe scoffed. “Your standards for friends are ridiculously low. But whatever apparently sleazy Liars are your type”

Adrien was starting to get upset at all these sly remarks he was getting from Chloe. He called her for comfort. Who did she think she was? If he wanted sly comments he would have called Marinette, but he still didn't have her number. Wait a minute. She's been talking to Nino!!! He could just call Nino and get her Number from him!!! He didn't need Chloe! 

“Fine Chloe, you know what? turns out I don’t even need your help anymore,” He said smug, happy to have the upper hand. To be honest he half expected Chloe to beg him to not hang up on her.

“Why even bother calling me then?” that....was not the response he was expecting. Fine, it was probably all an act.

“I needed Marinette's number but then I realized that my bro Nino probably has it, so yeah I don’t need your help”

“But he b-” Ha now she was going to beg him not to hang upon him. Well, he wasn't going to give her the chance. 

“Goodbye Chloe” 

Hanging up he quickly tried to call Nino. After only receiving a dial tone, he shot him a few texts, expecting Nino to respond quickly. He always has.

After receiving none Adrien couldn’t help but be slightly annoyed. Nino probably forgot to charge his phone due to him still being sad over the breakup. This is why Adrien needs to convince Nino to get back together with Alya. He was a mess without her! His phone suddenly binged. Quickly checking, he was disappointed to see it was Chloe. Probably to try and get back on his good side. Ha.

Queen Bee: Nino told me to tell you that he is uh not in “The mood to deal with you and your b.s” tonight.

What!? No Chloe was obviously lying in some weird attempt at getting Payback. Adrien NEEDED to talk to Nino right now because Adrien was going to the states for some gala for the weekend! 

Adrikins: Chloe stop fooling around

Queen Bee: Trust me I'm not kidding around, I'm here trying to get some sleep and instead I'm serving as Nino's secretary apparently

Queen Bee: Leave him alone, if you had listened to me earlier you would have realized that Nino added your number to a nice Lil ol place known as the ~block list~

Adrikins: CHLOE YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM PLEASE DON'T LET HIM DO IT.

Queen Bee: hmmm let me think about it

At that Adrien let out a sigh of Relief, Chloe will talk some sense into Nino and everything will be back to normal between him and Nino. Even Marinette once he got her number from Nino!!

Queen Bee: I thought about it

Hope bloomed in Adrien's Chest, everything is finally going to be back to normal again!!

Queen Bee: N o

Queen Bee: You’re getting muted for the rest of the night, consider that payback for waking me up so early, I have a trip this weekend. I need all my beauty sleep, you should consider learning about it

Wait a minute if she is going where Adrien thinks she is then there's hope for him after all!!!

Queen Bee: Toodles~

Adrikins: Wait a minute where are you going this weekend

Queen Bee: None of your business

Wayne Manor                                                                                        Gotham, USA                                                                                                8:00 a.m

“Marinette, I’m just happy you managed to leave that toxic situation before it got worse,” Dick said as he engulfed Marinette in a hug, although not as strong since his ribs were still in pain. Dick slightly grimaced in anticipation of the humongous lecture he was going to get from Bruce later.

“Trust him, Mari, here in Gotham I always see..” Jason trailed off at Dicks pointed look “I mean WE always see....uh in the news how those situations escalate quickly," Yowch talk about a blunder. He still needed to get used to having a sibling who wasnt involved in the nightly adventures. "only not everyone is lucky enough to have Batman swoop in and save the day” Jason quickly added. He threw a prayer of thanks that his adorable baby sister was now safe in Gotham, well as safe as Gotham gets anyways.

Dick racked his brain looking for something to cheer up his little sister in his arms. For once his big brother instincts were being slightly overwhelmed. All of his siblings have gone through awful stuff. This isn't the first, and he doubts it's going to be the last time that he's been there to comfort one of his siblings, or friends for god's sake.  

“Wait!!! Dick, doesn't Bruce have that trip in a few days?” Jason piped up.

Oh, Crap. Dick almost forgot about that. Oh god, he couldn’t possibly subject Mari to that disaster….on the other hand it WOULD be a good distraction for her. Hmmm. 

“Fine, Mari, pack your bags, You’re not even going to school yet so you won't miss anything,” Dick announced.

“Pack my bags?” Marinette couldn't help but get a bad feeling at the sight of Dicks smirk.

“Yeah no, you’re right. Don't pack your bags make your dad pay for new clothes.” Jason teased. It's what he always did. Billionaire Brucie wouldn't even gawk at the price of a new pair of jeans. Heck, He was paying for his New Truck!!! 

“Wait where are we even going?” She asked slightly disturbed at the sight of Dicks growing grin.

“New York City”

Authors Message:                                                                                        I hope you guys enjoyed todays chaoter. Next chapter some new characters are going to enter the fray. Can you take a guess as to who they may be ;)                                                                                           Also Happy Belated Birthday to Our Beloved Timothy Jackson Drake  Fun fact I was listening to Hamilton was writing this chapter and its given me the idea to possibly create a Hamilton AU involving the Batfam and slight Adrinette, What do you guys think?

Taglist:

@purplesundaze @silvergold-swirl @k-poplunardreams @pepelachanel @laurcad123 @maribat-is-lifeblood @kass-is-weird @another-fan-of-anotherplan @damianette-is-life @amayakans @parallelparabox @miukiiu @valeks-princess @toodaloo-kangaroo @vixen-uchiha @thezestywalru @dreamykitty25 @pirats-pizzacanninibles @mochinek0 @shamefullove @mochegato @souleateralicestein @thestressmademedoit @throneoffirebreathingbitchqueen @aestheticnpoetic @mysupporthyperfixations @itsmeevie01

[goodwriterwithbadhabits]

Behind the Mask

Hi. This is, a lot. Like five pages of work. I’ve spent days working on it and I’ve rewritten it twice, so I hope this is as good as I think it is. I’ve left the ending open because I’m thinking of writing a part two, let me know what you think. 

Master List

~~

“What on this blue earth do you mean you need another suit, Hyunwoo? The party is tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry, Lin, I know its last minute.” The large muscular man bows deeply, and you can just feel in his words that he’s truly sorry. 

“I was supposed to be out of the country, my plans only just got cancelled.” The other man apologizes, also bowing. Your boss glares at them, her steely gaze made worse by the black mask covering her face. 

“I can make it.” The moment the words leave your mouth you regret them. All three of them turn their gazes on you, and for a few moments you want to sink in on yourself. 

“I don’t want to impose on you.” You can’t speak for a few seconds, too busy being absolutely stuck on the man in front of you. He’s tall and so muscular he could probably kill you with a hug. “Y/n,” Lin begins, “You really think you could create an entire suit in a day?” You square your shoulders, this was the moment you had been waiting for, a chance to show your skills. 

“I designed all the other suits, every other costume you had me work on is done. I already had a mock up of his suit finished when he cancelled originally. If I can use fabric from the workshop, and if I work all night, I can get it done.” The group exchanges glances, and you can see just from their eyes that Lin and Hyunwoo have very little faith. 

“I think you can do it.” The other man vouches, eyes twinkling and making your heart skip more than a few beats. “I have faith in you, and I’ll help as much as I can.” You choke on your own words for a second but finally manage to nod. 

“Thanks.” 

“Alright, Y/n, if you think you can do it, go ahead.” Lin nods, “Hoseok is going to be your assistant.” 

“Great.” You breathe, unsure if you’re going to be able to function properly with him around. “Follow me.” You lead him back to the workshop, which is just a huge warehouse connected to the back of the tailors shop filled with fabrics, lace and all the bits and baubles needed to make whatever clothing customers wanted. 

“Woah.” His small gasp has you smiling behind your own mask as you head over to your workstation. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty impressive, but we’re asked to clothe most artists these days. Dragon Tailors is the official tailor for JYP, Big Hit and P Nation, but we get clients from all over.” You explain, dropping your sketchbook on the table and motioning for him to take a seat. “Alright so this is what I designed a few months ago.” 

The suit was, arguably, simple. It was just a black lace vest, and a deep red jacket with matching pants. The jacket had the wings of Eros embroidered on the back in gold, and doves on the lapel, while the pants had rose vines going up the legs. It was simple but elegant and sexy, and a good representation of Eros in your opinion. The other boys in his (former) group were also going as varying gods. While the other boys were going as much more major gods, Hoseok had chosen Eros, maybe to only lowkey match the other boys. 

“Wow, that’s a lot. Are you going to be able to make it in time?” You shrug, your shoulder brushing against his. 

“I have the rose patches for the pants, and I have a dove program on my embroidery machine for the lapels, I can hand stitch the wings, if I get the rest of it done quickly.” You explain, glancing at your watch. “I’ve got roughly 40 hours, luckily you guys came in early.” 

“Is there anything I can help with?” You finally look over at him. He’s handsome, even while wearing his mask, with strong brows and deep brown eyes. For a few seconds you’re stuck, drowning in his eyes, until you finally manage to pull yourself out. 

“You need a mask and some shoes. The mask should be red and gold, and the shoes should be black, and Oxfords.” 

“You guys don’t make shoes?” He wonders and you shake your head, walking over to the rack of half finished designs you were working on. 

“We design them, but typically the people we work with either have a pair already, or we order them, usually from a brand the star is partnered with.” You grab the mock up you had already built. “Before you leave to get those, try this on for me. I need to know it fits.” You toss the material at him, pointing to the changing room behind him. 

Of course it fits, but you still make a point of reminding him not to work out between now and the party, or he might burst out of the jacket, which you would pay to see. Before he leaves to get his missing pieces you give him your number, telling him to text you pictures before he buys anything. And with that, you’re alone in the workshop. 

“So, he’s kinda cute.” Lin greets, sliding your sketchbook towards her while you’re focused on the bolts of red cloth on the wall. 

“He’s an idol, you told me they’re off limits.” You retort, “Satin or silk?” 

“Silk, with satin for the liner.” You nod, grabbing the cloth you want. “And they aren’t off limits, at least, he isn’t. Are you making him body chains?”

“If I have time,” You drop the cloth on the table, grabbing your patterns. “I mean, he’s hot, no cap, but there’s no way he’d go for me. He probably has girls throwing themselves at him all the time, I’m not about to do that.” Lin nods understandingly, walking over to the lace collection and picking one. 

“What about this for the vest?” You glance over at her, nodding approvingly at the selection. “He’s a broad boy, are you sure this is going to look good on him?”

“He could make a garbage back look good, Lin. Hey don’t you have a Hyunwoo up front?”

“He’s getting the two of us lunch, as payment for stressing me out.” 

“Sounds like a date to me.” You tease, earning a chuckle from her. 

“Maybe it is.” She pats your back as she walks by, “Good luck, I believe in you.” 

“That makes one of us.” 

~~

You weren’t sure how much time was passing, there were no windows in the workshop, so you just kept going. The pants were finished, you had decided to forgo the vines, and just add roses in a few different colors. The vest was done too, the lace Lin had chosen was made of small birds and flowers, like it had been made for this project. Hoseok had texted you not even an hour after he had left, showing off the mask and shoes he had gotten, which looked really good. 

All that you needed to do was stitch these wings, attach the liner to the torso of the jacket, and put it all together. Oh and make the body chains and the choker. It was going to be a long night, the wings were going to take hours to finish, and the chains probably an hour, but Hoseok would have to be here for that, so it could wait until after the jacket was finished. Then you just had to steam everything and make sure he picked it up on time. 

Good thing sleep is an illusion. 

“Hey google.” You don’t look away from your work as your phone pauses your music to listen to you. “Place an order at Dalcomm Coffee.” You adjust the glasses on your nose, lining the sketch paper up with the jacket. “One large white mocha, no whip with an extra shot of espresso.” 

“Confirm order, one large white mocha. Subtract whip. Add espresso.” The device asks. 

“Confirm.” 

“Order total is-”

“Confirm.” 

“Order placed. Estimated time of arrival: 7:16 pm, Korean Standard Time.” 

“Thanks google, play my work playlist.” 

“You thank your google?” Hoseok’s voice has you glancing up, finding him standing in the doorway with two bags in his hands. Somehow, he looked even better than earlier, now in a muscle shirt and basketball shorts. His face was still hidden behind the mask, like yours, but you could tell he was smiling from the crinkle in his eyes. 

“Yes I do, you don’t?” He shakes his head, laughing softly. 

“Can’t say I do. Maybe I should. May I come in?”

“Yeah sure. The pants and vest are done, if you’d like to try them on.” He shakes his head, perching on the stool next to you with his bags at his feet. 

“I’ll wait until the jacket is done.” He decides. “How are you doing?”

“Working. The lapels are on the machine, so I just need to finish the wings and I’ll be almost done.” You explain, pointing to the machine on the other end of the table. 

“Have you eaten today?” His question shocks you enough to make you look up from your work. Had you eaten today? 

“Uh, no.” You focus back on the chalk in your hands as you tediously redraw the wings onto the fabric. “But I am getting another cup of coffee.” 

“How many cups have you had?” You chuckle, knowing your smile is hidden. 

“Many.” 

“Well, goodthing I brought you dinner.” 

“I’ll eat when I’m done.” 

“How about when you’re done drawing that?” 

“I’ve really got to get this done.” You insist, waving at the jacket. 

“You really need to eat, you still have plenty of time to finish this.” His voice is soft but insistent. “If you don’t eat you’ll get sick.” You huff, tapping the chalk on the table. 

“Alright fine,” You relent, “But let me finish drawing this first.” 

“I can deal with that.” He begins unloading the food, setting it on a nearby table, seeing as your workstation was covered in fabric. 

“You know you didn’t have to buy me dinner.” You comment, eyes still glued to your work. 

“I wanted to.” The way he says is so matter-of-factly has your heart beating a little faster. 

“A man after my own heart.” You joke, glancing over at him. You can tell he’s smiling behind his mask, even though he isn’t looking at you. 

“Maybe.” He mumbles, and you’re pretty sure you weren’t supposed to hear that. “This is beautiful.” He breathes, fingers trailing over the roses on his pants. “You’re very talented.” 

“Thank you. If I’m being honest, this is my first chance to make a full outfit of my own.” You confess. 

“Really? I would have assumed you’ve been doing this for years.” 

“I generally just design, and then Lin and the others actually make them. I usually just get to make accessories and take measurements.” You shrug, re-aligning the original sketch over the fabric. “This is my chance to prove myself.”

“Well, you’ve proven yourself to me.” 

~~

Time moves both too slowly, and too quickly for you. Wonho leaves later in the night, several hours after you’ve finished dinner, telling you to get some sleep and not worry about the jacket. You lie, of course, telling him you will when the lapels are finished, but even when they are, you only move them to the side to continue working on the embroidery. Your hands hurt, your back hurts, your eyes hurt, but as the hours pass, the golden shimmer of the thread expands, unfurling into stellar wings befitting any god. You’re halfway through the second wing when a coffee is set down in front of you. 

“Hoseok, I told you to go to bed.” You respond instantly. 

“He probably is asleep, its only 5.” Lin’s voice is tinged with laughter. You finally look away from the needle, finding your boss standing next to you, and a few of the other designers setting up their workstations. 

“Am?” She nods at your question. “Good, if I started at 8,” You pause doing mental math, “I should have the wings finished by 8, the choker should only take about 30 minutes, I might have this ready for steaming by 9-9:30.” You inform her, focusing your face back on the project at hand. 

“Y/n, did you work all night?” Max, another designer asks. 

“Yeah, I’ve still got a bit to finish, but it will be ready for tonight.” 

“Wait, this is for tonight?” Sungwoo gasps, examining the vest and pants hanging on your rack. 

“Yeah.” You answer curtly, trying to just get back to work. 

“Why are you just working on it now? You should have had it finished yesterday at the latest, we need your help with-”

“Kami, you should be praising Y/n.” Lin interrupts. “While you all got the day off, Y/n was given this task yesterday, and she’ll have it done today. How many of you can say you’ve made a suit in under 40 hours.” Your face is warm as the room goes silent. “That’s what I thought.” Lin scoffs, “As for the rest of you. Kami, you’ve been contracted by Jung Seojoon for an upcoming award show, he’d like to meet at his house at 7. Sungwoo, I believe you have a dress for Perry’s upcoming tour that needs finishing. Max, Harden and Dojoon, you’re on call for repairs and styling for tonight, Rain already called this morning about a broken cufflink, Harden if you could.”

“Yes ma`am.” 

“Good, and leave Y/n alone until the suit is done. Understood?” The room was filled with confirmation and Lin patted your shoulder. “I’ll be in my workroom.” 

~~

You were right, the embroidery was finished by 8, but the entire suit wasn’t ready until almost 11, thanks to the choker taking forever. Sitting on your stool, you gazed at your masterpiece, marveling at how well it turned out, and praying it fit properly. 

“Looks good. Hoseok will be here for pick up at 5, why don’t you head home for a bit, get some sleep.” Lin greets, coming up behind you. 

“I should stay and help with-”

“No. You’re going to go home, until 4, at least. If you wake up before he’s supposed to come pick it up, you can come back and help. Otherwise, we’ll call you if we need you.” She orders instead. “Do not argue with me.” 

“Yes ma’am.” You finally relent. 

The exhaustion hit the moment you walked in your front door, and you ended up passed out on the couch instead of your bed. When you finally woke up, it was thanks to the incessant ringing of your phone on the table next to you, and the sudden lack of being able to breathe thanks to your cat deciding to pass out on your chest. 

“Hello?” You mumble into the device, absently petting the naked kitty. 

“Y/n, it’s Lin. Get up and shower, I’ll be at your house in thirty minutes.” Her words have you sitting up slightly, confused, and knocking the cat off. 

“Sorry, Berus. And what do you mean you’ll be here in 30 minutes?”

“I’m playing fairy godmother tonight. Go shower, now.” Her voice is stern, and something tells you not to question it. 

“Um, alright.” 

The doorbell rings just as you exit the bathroom, still toweling your hair dry. Lin is standing outside with Max and Sungwoo, with a dress bag slung over her shoulder. 

“Uh, hi.” You manage to mutter as they push past you into your apartment. 

“Oh good, your hair isn’t dry, that’ll make styling it easier.” Sungwoo remarks, “Max and I will set up in the kitchen, the lighting’s probably better.” 

“I’ll put this in the bedroom. He’ll be here at 9:45, so that gives us only about two hours for hair and make up, think you can do it?” Lin asks, hanging the dress bag on the curtain rod over the couch, giving you and Berus the chance to ogle what's inside. 

The suit is while, with pale pink and gold flowers adorning most of it. The buttons are ivory with golden trim, and a mask, the same white and gold, with the same almost pink flowers, hangs from the hanger. 

“What is going on? Why are you here and why do you have a suit? And who is going to be here at 9:45?” Sungwoo and Max turn to Lin. 

“You didn’t tell her?” Lin smirks at Max’s question. 

“I told her some. Like I said, I’m playing Fairy Godmother.” She turns to you as she speaks, excitement glittering in her eyes. “You are going to the ball, Cinderella.” You wanted to respond with something intelligent, but all that came out was a very undignified, 

“Huh?”

“Come on, Psyche,” Max laughs, guiding you towards the kitchen, “Your Eros awaits.”

[hitchell-mope]

ABC headcanons part 1. Ben LeRoi

WARNING!!!! THIS POST CONTAINS NSFT MATERIAL

His relationship with Mal will be included with this seeing as it makes no sense to me to not include it if you know what I mean

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after the act). Ben is incredibly attentive afterwards. He cleans Mal up. Changes the sheets. Get her drinks and snacks. Basically doesn’t take her of himself until he’s sure she’s comfortable

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s). On him. He admits it’s a little vain. But he loves the enhanced musculature he got from gaining magic. And the ahem Enhanced Equipment down south isn’t too shabby either. On Mal. Ben loves everything to do with her otherworldliness. Her horns. Her wings. Her scales. Her tail. Etc etc

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically). Ben doesn’t have very strong feelings on it really. Doesn’t hate it. Doesn’t love it. But Mal likes it so he ahem dispenses it wherever she wants it.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs). It’s more of an open secret but Ben is quite honestly obsessed with dragons. He and Mal first did it after the first time she turned into a dragon during the cotillion confrontation. It ah really got him going

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?). By part three he’s very experienced. And he definitely knows what he’s doing. He knew what to do before his first time. He had his own private library after all. And he had surprisingly little supervision after his fifteenth birthday. So it was easy to read up on the subject

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying). Ben’s loves being face to face as it happens. Makes it seem even more intimate. He’ll gladly do it in what way they can. But he prefers face to face

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc). He’s a little goofy. Out of nervousness the first time. But after that he picked up on Mal’s slightly obscene sense of humour and joined in on the dirty jokes. So they’re both a bit goofy while still retaining the romantic aspect

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.). He used to keep himself well groomed down there. Not so much after he gained magic though. And yes. It all matches. Ever since the “being turned into a beast” incident accelerated the process every single hair on his head is a dark but somehow still vibrant shade of purple from his head to his toe knuckles.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…). He’s very romantic in the heat of the moment. Providing they have time for it however. But still. He always tries to make it as special as he possibly can.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon). He’s not a fan. Until he was seventeen and Mal told him not all myths are true he still thought you’d go blind if you did it to yourself. And while he’s still not big on it he will do it if there’s no other option available other then his own suffering.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks). Dragons. Magic. And this is a fairly recent one. But after he got the facial hair Mal accidentally let slip a certain parental honorific. Which he fully loves and more than fully endorses

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do). Anywhere basically. Special mention goes to the abandoned dragon cave he and Mal visited on spring break. And miles above the clouds that same day. Oh. And the royal jet.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going). Mal in his clothes. Showering together. The aforementioned honorific. Any display of Mal’s dragon form. Basically any anything Mal says or does gets him in the mood. He’s eighteen. What do you expect?

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs). He would never hurt Mal unless she asked. It’s sort of impossible for him to hurt her since they’ve got magic and all but that’s still a line he won’t cross unless she specifically asked him to do it. And the very moment Mal doesn’t look like she’s enjoying herself, he stops and goes to to en suite to take care of himself after he’s made sure Mal’s ok.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc). Ben is nothing if not a giver. And he’s insanely good at it. Gold standard skill. As for receiving. Mal’s very good at it as well magic helps clear away any obstacles they might encounter.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc). He prefers to go a little bit slow. It makes it last longer and it’s more intimate. At Mal’s urging he can so fast he’s practically invisible.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc). He prefers longer sessions but if they absolutely have to he’ll go for a quick one. Such as when they had to turn invisible and duck behind a topiary bush at his eighteenth birthday party.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc). He’s not adverse to experimenting. They’re both thinking of inviting either Jane or prince Tyrone to join them for a night. And he has definitely taken risks. Such as the time Mal paid him a visit under his desk during work hours as Doug rattled off fiduciary reports.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…). His personal best was on their honeymoon. A solid 24 hours. And one round every hour on the hour. Besides that they try to squeeze in two of three rounds throughout the day if they can manage it. And they are always successful. It helps that they can freeze time.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?). A few. Let’s just say that he doesn’t mind being restrained. Or in the receiving end of Mal asks. And they’ve definitely used their sceptre on each other. Mal’s personal favourite was The Night Of Three Ben’s.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease). If he’s feeling sneaky he will definitely tease. Such as the time after the desk visit where he returned the favour and paid a visit to Mal while she was having lunch with her Arendelle family.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make). Ever since their first time he’s let out a lot of beastly growls and elated whooping. Mal for her part matches him in loudness. And they both curse in french. A lot

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice). He’s taken to surprising Mal by greeting her in half beast mode since she didn’t get to see him like that when they were trying to stop Chad’s coup. In turn Mal’s taken turning into a humanoid version of her dragon form to surprise him. And it’s always effective.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words). Let’s put it this way. He was already “king sized” before he gained magic. And it’s only become even more impressive after he gained magic. And Mal is definitely impressed

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?). Pretty high. He’s eighteen. In love. And has a very powerful brand of magic. So he’s always willing and able.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards). He doesn’t sleep until he’s sure Mal is asleep. Unless of course they’ve managed to fit in another round. Then they both fall asleep almost as soon as they’re finished. They make sure to clean up though.

[inventors-fair]

Brushwagg Commentary part 2

Okay I’ve calmed down now

There were a lot of themes this week. I noticed a lot of deathtouch, which is understandable considering the flavor of the brushwagg. One thing y’all gotta watch out for is repeatable deathtouch tokens. It makes limited games absolutely grueling when any attacker on the ground can be kileed by paying a couple mana or tapping a creature. And these would show up in limited, because boy you guys really like making uncommons! I know one of the winners was going to be a lower rarity card, but I think only about 6 or 8 people even bothered making rares. What’s up with that? Lastly, all of your guys’s homemade art was glorious. I was not expecting any new art, and while I don’t usually let it impact my judging (since this is about card design, and I don’t want to give artists an advantage), I was delighted at every piece.

@aethernalstars​ - Nyxthorn Brushwagg

Is that a pun? Because most enchantment creatures are called something like “nyxborn” which rhymes with “nyxthorn?” Because if so, shame on you. Anyway, a bestow brushwagg! I really like the idea of this, because putting the icnonic brushwagg coat on another creature just seems fun and cool. On his own, this guy makes your guys a little harder to kill in combat but also makes them worse at killing. The “may” here is really nice, though. Reminds me of Gustcloak Soldier in a way, which means that the bestow cost is right on the money. The fact that you can put this on a big guy to keep everyone safe is nice, and the idea that if you put it on just the right creature you can survive the fight AND kill the guy will feel great when it happens. I do worry that the effect is too niche and weak to see much play outside of Doran style decks (in which case dear lord), and I also don’t know how I feel about the bestow not granting +1/+1 like every other bestow creature. Regardless, the card seems fine, just a little hard to play, but great for those who want it.

@demimonde-semigoddess​ - Porringer Brushwagg

A porringer is a small dish used for soups, stews, and other dishes. Anyway, here’s a brushwagg. So first off, a 2/3 with persist for that mana cost is good! It’s the right cost I feel. The bad news: that ability is way off color. Only blue and red really do that, and with this being a hybrid card, both mono black and mono green need to be able to do it, but neither really do outside of the 5 color “-ling” cycle. It also seems a little bit pricey considering it already comes with a downside, but maybe that’s fine. I do like the idea of the card, it’s just a bit too hard of a color bend for me. Oh, and the art and flavor of this card are really good, I like how it tells a story.

NOTE: After writing this I found out porringer is a place in Lorwyn. That seems fair, then. Good name.

@deafeningsandwichpeach​ - Unstable Brushwagg

Second card with this name, but a completely different take. For one, our only artifact entry! So it’s a one mana 0/3 that acts as a one-time mini-boros reckoner, but only to creatures or planeswalkers. But it also has to survive the hit. Seems kind of narrow? Your opponent would have to attack into it, or knowingly block it just t let their stuff die anyway. But as soon as they get 3/X creatures all that’s out the window unless you hold up 3 mana each turn, which is not as easy as it sounds. I think if you reverse the phrasing on the first ability, something like “you may have it deal damage... if you do, sacrifice it,” you can get it to send the damage back even if it died from it. I think I’m making this guy sound worse than he is. Colorless pumping isn’t the worst, and an 0/3 for 1 with text will often see play for any number of random reasons. I think this card is perfectly fine, but nothing spectacular. It does feel adequately brushwaggy, even without some of the standard brushwagg stuff, just because of it’s self-pumping and vengefulness.

@deg99 - Apex Brushwagg

Our only silver-border brushwagg, surprisingly. Thoughhonestly? It could stand to be a little more silvery. That activated ability was a prime spot to put something silly for X. But hey, the last ability is definitely silver-border, and feels very on theme for such a prickly guy. The two keyword abilities are a scary mix, making sure that if this thing dies, it’ll die in combat, and when it does, it’ll take something down with it. Still, it’s weak enough that it can get hit by pyroclasms and the like if you tap out, so it’s not game-breaking. All in all this guy is fine, he’s just got a little too much pulling him in different directions to really work for me. Though the fact that you found brushwagg fanart is impressive all on its own.

@gollumni​ - Brushwagg Elder

Not with that creature type he’s not! I jest. This guy is pretty neat! The idea of an “activated ability matters” theme is neat in concept, and the fact that a lot of activated abilities require mana or to sacrifice something means the ability wouldn’t be so easy to trigger as you might think. I could even see this thing seeing play in older formats where no-mana abilities are easier to come by, like an arbor elf tap. On the other hand, in standard right now most creatures are played for ETBs, aman abilities, or just their bodies, so finding easily repeatable activated abilities is tough enough to not make this 1 mana 5/5 too easy. I still might either drop the P/T by 1 each or raise the cmc by 1, but I might be pvercompensating because this guy is hard to judge. Still, I really like this card and this concept, either as a draft archetype or possibly an overarching tribal theme.

@kytheon4-4 - Tumblewagg

Well, they are just tumbleweed monsters I suppose. So I’ve kind of got a big issue with this guy. Green does get indestructible and supertrample, and red gets “attacks each turn if able” and firebreathing, but together they make this card a color pie break. The only difference between supertrample and unblockable is that the blocking creature can still kill the attacking creature. But that’s not the case here. An opponent blocking here accomplishes nothing unless they have wither or something. So this just becomes an attacker that can’t be blocked and can pump for extra damage. That’s not particularly red green, and it’s not going to be fun to play against, and probably not great to play with, either. Not a fan.

@misterstingyjack​ - Flatlands Brushwagg

Wow does this guy have a lot going on. He’s got an ability counter, a dinosaur ability word, a flavor text referencing something that I can’t suite recall if its canon or not, and it’s a brushwagg! So a 3/2 with defender is pretty rough. Green is getting 3/2′s for two with upside nowadays, but the fact that this is common makes it a little more reasonable. The enrage ability is very weird here. 2 toughness means he has to somehow be dealt exactly 1 damage, and I doubt any opponent is going to attack with a one 1/x into it. So this guy needs a little help, either a ping from something or a defensive pump spell. And then you get a 4/3! That’s pretty good! I like it. I do worry about the wording on the enrage ability. It is phrased so that it gets the +1/+1 counter even if it has already lost it’s defender counter, but some new players might not realize that. At common, you better makes rue there’s nothing to trick new players. In general, I think this card is pretty good, but it’s just a little clunky here and there.

@naban-dean-of-irritation​ - Progenitor Brushwagg

I was expecting “protection from everything” with a name like that, but this is fine. It costs one more mana than the almighty ‘wagg and loses trample, but in return it pops open like a spider mama from that vine. Seems a little strong at uncommon, as any sort of pump, aura, or god forbid anthem makes this guy pretty ludicrous. We’ve seen sprouting thrinax do something similar but at a locked number in 3 colors, but myriad construct and thopter foundry have been artifacts at rare with the ability. So I think the power is not quite right. But the ability itself seems fine. I could see it being a pain to fight against, since you don’t really want to attack into it, but you don’t really want to kill it, and if you do then you have to deal with its babies, but I don’t think it’s a bad enough situation to make the card bad. I’d just say it needs some limiters, perhaps a more expensive activation cost, or a once per turn limitation.

@scavenger98​ - Possessed Brushwagg

I want to slap the roof of this guy and say he can fit so many tokens in him, but then I’d hurt my hand. So this guy is sort of afterlife 2, but also kind of just unblockable. Blocking this guy is just so much work and can go so poorly. Blocking with more than two creatures also seems unlikely, so I think it’s be safe to just say 2 instead of X for this card. It also seems really strong: it’s an evasive attacker with a big body and leaves behind flyers when it dies. That’s kind of comparable to the mythic Seraph of the scales. However, this still dies to removal much easier and doesn’t do anything in that case, but I could say that about any creature. I guess this is fine as a 3 color uncommon in most sets, but I think the power level of it is a little screwey, and the design itself is a little unnecessarily extravagant.

@walker-of-the-yellow-path​ - Tasty Brushwagg

I’m glad someone finally managed to do it. I like how this card tells a little story. I like how there’s an ability that wants you to let it die and an ability that stops it from doing it to create some tension. I don’t like the unlimited (as in not once a turn) pumping in green. Almighty Brushwagg had it, but that was a bit of a stretch already, and this guy can do it for way cheaper. It’s stepping into shade territory. I also think the power level on this common is a little high. A bear with one amazing upside and one pretty good one probably deserves to be at least an uncommon. So yeah, a little bit of power concern at common, and a bit of color pie bending.

[arsons]

“Wow—you’re looking just a liiittle bit antsy at that, you know?”

“Antsy!?” Momota bursts, the perfect mix of astonished and exasperated. “You’re gonna fucking call me—what, antsy in response to what the hell you just dropped!?”

Ouma rolls his eyes and turns to inspect his nails. “Jeez,” he sighs, “I didn’t realize you’d get so gung-ho over some old bike parts.”

“Cause Akamatsu fucking hates bikes!” Momota retaliates.

“Momota-chan, you’re toootally overreacting. In what world are bikes really gonna ruin her life?”

“Uh, in this fucking world, apparently!” Momota yells, gesturing around them with open arms.

Ouma glances left, right, then left again, as if by chance he might find what Momota is emphasizing. He pointedly does not. He scrunches his face up. “What, did they kill her family?”

“That’s not—!”

“Should we discuss the ethics of this? I feel like this is opening a reeeally great ethical discussion for us to have. Say, Momota-chan, where does your trauma stem from?”

Momota sets a hand on his forehead and takes a deep breath before continuing. “Fucking hell, dude. Listen, I—“

“You’ve said the word “‘fuck,’” Ouma stresses, “exactly six times since I mentioned the bike.” He tilts his head to the side. “Didja know that?”

Momota lifts his hand from his face, exposing his eyes once more; somehow, through his anger, he almost manages to look impressed. “Were you actually counting?” he asks.

“Oh, yeah,” Ouma answers. “Of course I was. Because I hang off all the words you say, Momota-chan. I overthink everything you say. All the time.”

Momota blinks at him.

“Always.”

Momota blinks again, slowly. “Not your best lie,” he says.

“...No,” Ouma admits. He covers his mouth. “Nishishi! Ah, Momota-chan, if you wanted a better one, you could’ve just—!”

“Anyway,” Momota interrupts, “what part of sculpting Akamatsu out of bike parts is—what, a fucking prank to you?”

Ouma pouts at that; clearly, Momota is missing out on the entertaining part of the endeavor. How un-fun of him.

“You’re reeeally no fun, huh?” Ouma taps his foot moodily against the ground. “Gosh, have you ever even pulled a practical joke in your life?”

“Yeah, and—“ Momota scrambles for words, “and it didn’t involve people’s psychological fucking fears, alright!?”

“Well, this one’s just like that!” Ouma responds. “Except that it does.”

“That’s completely fucking—! Ouma, that’s—! Oh, my God—“

“Aaah!” Ouma chides, cutting into Momota’s spluttering. “Okay, you seem pretty mad. Are you mad? Should I remind you why you’re here, or should I—?”

“Don’t,” Momota suddenly says. He swallows hard, then rubs at the back of his head. “I...”

Ouma waits.

Momota looks away. “Okay, you know what?” he says. “I don’t even gotta fucking be here. I’m doing this because—“

“Because big, strong men always live up to their promises?” Ouma finishes for him. On a whim, he decides to embellish his words by posing to flex.

It goes badly.

Momota cringes.

“Oh,” Ouma scoffs, standing back upright, “what, like that’s not what you were gonna say? Momota-chan is waaay too predictable with his words! The Luminary of the Stars always—“

“Real men,” Momota interrupts, leveling an accusatory look at him, “don’t cheat at the challenges they get posed.”

Ouma waves his arms out exaggeratedly. “Ugh, it wasn’t cheeeating,” he drawls, his pitch raising mockingly, “to kiss—“

“That’s enough!” Momota interrupts, his pitch also raising. “That’s—fuck, okay, fine! I’ll make your fucking sculpture. Just—what, are we gonna get Angie to help, or something?”

“Oh,” Ouma huffs, “no waaay, baby!” He taps his thumb against his chest. “This is all 100% authentic and homemade! Fresh, organic, and straight from the heart!”

Momota frowns. “I can’t fucking sculpt for shit,” he says.

Ouma sighs, probably a bit too loud and for a bit too long. “You reeeally wanna get Angie-chan?” he whines. “Wow...I guess real men do cheat at the challenges they get p—“

“Fine!” Momota snaps. “Fine. Fuck. I said fine. Fucking hell, we can do it whenever.” He pauses and frowns even deeper. “But just so you know, I still think this is a shitty fucking thing to do.”

“Y’know, I thought it was a pretty shitty thing to kiss—“

“H-Hey!”

“—a guy’s hand—“

“I just said to—!”

“—while you’re—“

“Knock it off!” Momota finishes, red in the face. “Just shut up about it! I said I’ll fucking help you, okay? And I will. So s-stop talking about—all that,” he waves, “and just—get on with it already!”

Momota looks away, self-conscious. Ouma almost laughs at him; instead, he swallows it down in favor of getting a few free seconds to stare openly at his profile. He seems embarrassed. It’s delightful.

“Alright, fiiine,” Ouma finally concedes. “Since you’re so overly eager to get started, I can whip out the blueprints.”

As Ouma unfolds a diagrammed drawing from his shirt pocket, he catches a glimpse of Momota’s unpleasant expression once more. He shakes his head before smoothing out the wrinkles.

“Don’t be so upset!” he offers. “This is gonna be a great character building experience. Akamatsu-chan’s gonna face her fears head-on, like a true manly-man! Like you! So care a little less about that part, mkay?”

Momota bites at the corner of his mouth. He leans closer to get a look at the sheet Ouma’s produced. “Whatever, dude,” is all he says.

Ouma blinks at him. “Whatever?”

“Whatever, just—let’s just get this over with. Even if I don’t know fucking how to.”

Ouma hands his paper over. “Hey, don’t worry about that!” he says. “I mean, it should be simple enough. It’s not, like, rocket science.”

Momota’s eyes shift to his.

Ouma smiles. “Y’know?”

When Momota smacks at the back of his head, it’s just light enough for Ouma to tell that it’s insincere. He lifts the paper up and away for inspection.

It only takes a few seconds for his eyebrows to go up. “Shit, man,” he says. “This is...”

Ouma clicks his tongue from beside him. “Good?” he tries. “Extensive?”

”I—uh. Yeah, actually. Holy shit, dude, you made all of this yourself?”

Ouma sniffs and turns his head up. “I don’t do things halfway, Momota-chan. You know that.”

Momota snorts, lightly. “I guess I do, but...”

”But...?” Ouma prompts.

”But—damn, this is...”

”Yeah.” Ouma shrugs his shoulders, then claps his hands suddenly. “So we’re gonna do it, riiight? Right, Momota-chan? We’re gonna do it?”

Momota stares at the blueprints for a second more, twisting them to read the print. The sheet might be standard sized, but Ouma’s packed a surprising amount onto it; it looks nothing short of an official document, produced by someone with actual experience. It is both good and extensive—Ouma wasn’t lying with those ones. There’s diagrams, instructions, specific parts listed, and—insulting doodles of Akamatsu towards the corners, yeah, but the rest is completely legit.

Momota swallows. Ouma might be one total, downright weirdo, but he apparently knows his stuff. Or, he’s dedicated to what he wants to accomplish. It’s...kind of unexpected, really. For him.

He folds the paper back together. “I mean,” Momota breathes. “I—I guess we are. I...still owe you shit, after all.”

Ouma grins. “Nishishi! And all because you can’t arm wrestle if your opponent decides to—“

Momota smacks him again. This one is light, too—light enough that it ruffles Ouma’s hair out of place, and when he squawks and starts to rearrange it, Momota turns and heads for the door.

Ouma looks up a moment later, spotting him leaving. “Hey!” he calls, fingers still tangled in his hair. “You going somewhere?”

Momota glances back and laughs out loud at his appearance; Ouma, pouting, mid-disheveling himself, is—an amusing sight, at the least.

He turns to lean against the frame, rolling his eyes. “Come on, kid,” he snorts, pulling it open. “We’re going to get your fuckin’ bike parts, and you’re the one buying.”

[aeon-borealis]

Captivated: Chapter 1

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Note: I’ll be posting future chapters on fanfiction.net and hopefully A03. For now, I couldn’t wait and here’s chapter 1. Enjoy!

1: Welcome to Cress

:Alejandro:

Dark clouds rolled across the night sky and the howling wind dragged at the window shutters. Every time one of the shutters hit the side of the house, I wondered if I could sync up my heartbeat with the noise. Tap. Two seconds passed. TAP. Then my heart thumped. It was a crawling, sluggish beat across a big hollow drum. Such a somber sound.

Jose would describe my internal monologue as needlessly dramatic, Mama would ‘encourage’ me to find a more constructive use for my time, and Papa would tell me to “man up” like he always does. It’s odd to think about. Almost everything I do, say, or muse about is followed by my rough assumption of what Jose, Mama, and Papa would think about the same thing or what comment they might make. The older I get, the more I wonder if I am as much my own person as I want to believe.

I rolled over on the flimsy mattress and looked at the bed across the room from mine. There’s Jose’s sleeping form, barely covered by a thin blue quilt. He snored with the intensity and volume of a chorus of chain saws. Several loose strands of hair are plastered to his forehead and pillow with sweat. He used to be so particular about what length his hair was and strictly kept it very short.

And he has so much stubble now. Band-aids with illustrations of dinosaurs and Disney characters haphazardly covered parts of his chin where he nicked himself with his razor. He used to have such a clean-shaven face. At one point he had bragged about wanting to try shaving the “old-fashioned way” with a real blade.

The only logical conclusion I have been able to reach is that aliens abducted Jose and replaced him with this bum. They can keep him.

***

Carlos was married six months ago now and he didn’t tell anybody. I’ll never forgive him for keeping such a major milestone in his life a secret from me for so long.

It’s surreal sitting across the long mahogany table from Athena, Carlos’ wife. She has short curly red hair, constellations of freckles across her pasty white skin, and a little pixie nose. Other than her physical appearance, the best way I can describe her is that she’s practically a fairy tale character brought to life: She likes to talk with her hands and use grand, whimsical hand gestures. Plus, she has a high-pitched voice and she’s followed by this strong, ever-present apple cinnamon smell.

Tonight she made some kind of cheese-smothered box meal lasagna. Carlos was so proud, going on and on about how little experience she had cooking, how he cooked most of their meals, and how she was slowly but surely learning how to cook real food. Lovesick Carlos was being generous when he lavished praises generally reserved for a fine crème brulee on a basic pasta. Athena only made things more embarrassing when she openly admitted that her previous diet was a mix of Hot Pockets and other microwavable crap before Carlos “nudged” her towards learning to use an actual stove.

Somehow, I managed to stomach it. I made myself shovel mouthful after mouthful of rubbery cheese into my maw because I love my older brother more than I hate cheap food. I’m expecting to spend most of tomorrow hunched over the porcelain throne as a result, though.

I can learn to make excuses to escape Athena’s cooking. I can learn to deal with one eccentric, but well-meaning person because she genuinely makes Carlos happy. But then he stumbled into the dining room.

Athena asked Jose how work went today. Jose mumbled something incoherent under his breath, spat a chewed-up wad of tobacco gum into a napkin, then unceremoniously plopped down into a chair across from me and planted a sneakered foot on the table top. He’s hunkered down in his thin-fabric windbreaker and trying to hide the bags under his eyes with the hood part of his maroon hoodie. With a tight-lipped frown, Athena placed a helping of her rubber lasagna in front of him.

Jose grabbed it by the tips of his fork prongs and wolfed down the entire chunk of food within mere minutes. I looked down at my own generous helping, idly poking at the amorphous mass with my own fork. Then I looked back at Jose and can’t help the way my eye twitches or the intense urge to shoot my dear brother the iciest glare I can muster.

Suddenly, Carlos grabbed me by the arm and ghosted me into the nearby hallway. He knitted his thick eyebrows together as his face morphed into that stern expression that used to be permanently plastered to Mama’s face.

“Please. Try to be civil, Alejandro,” Carlos said with a deep sigh.

“I am. He’s the one stumbling in like an uncultured barbarian...”

“I know.” Carlos’ gaze trailed off for a second. Then he turned back towards me, pinning me with his dark eyes and making me hold his gaze. “Look. I’m not happy about our current situation but the way I see it, he’s my brother and he deserves time, space, and understanding while he sorts himself out. He’s acting like a rebellious teenager, yeah, but Athena and I decided we should pick our battles with him.”

“So, he’s a charity case like Mama and I?” I couldn’t keep the biting edge out of my tone.

Carlos glared at me. “You’re not a charity case. Never use that phrase around me again, got it?”

“Seriously, Carlos. What could possibly be going wrong in the world of the high and mighty Jose Burromuertos?”

“He lost his entire fortune and had to declare bankruptcy a few months ago,” Carlos replied with a heavy sigh.

“So he squandered all his money. What an idiot. Everything played out exactly like Papa said it would...”

Carlos’ eyes narrowed dangerously and his nostrils flared. There was a bull seeing red behind those eyes and he was visibly shaking as he tried to tamp down and contain his anger.

“Ignacio officially disowned him about a week ago.”

My blood suddenly ran cold and I could swear my pupils were the size of bowling balls.

I felt like the world had broken and shattered beneath my booted feet. Papa was stern and he could be cruel. But, he would never. He couldn’t have. Even after Carlos ran away from home years ago, Papa never gave up on him. He even kept Carlos’ name on his official will. There was a trust fund Carlos could pull from at any time he wanted. And this was despite Carlos resisting Papa’s will at every turn and arguing furiously with him every chance he could.

Jose was the model son. He’d always been the golden standard Papa and Mama both pointed at and harshly compared me to.

Carlos found his voice again. “Jose is very aware of exactly how bad his situation is. We’ve had some very long, hard talks about this already. I’m actually trying to help him bounce back from this. Despite his appearance and behavior, he’s trying to bounce back from this, too. He needs all the support he can get right now.”

There was silence for a long beat. I couldn’t think of anything particularly meaningful to say. This was enough to blunt my sharp-as-a-tack brain.

Furrowing his brows, Carlos placed a hand on my shoulder and lightly squeezed. “Alejandro, be nice to Jose. If for no other reason, do it as a favor to me. We’re all in the same rickety boat right now and we’ll have much smoother sailing if you and Jose can get along for more than five minutes.”

I tried to swallow the large lump in my throat.

With that, Carlos lightly clapped my back, then gestured back towards the dining room.

As I walked back in, I noticed Mama had decided to join everyone. She seated herself next to Jose of course. Since I had been shocked by him, I can only imagine what was running through her mind. Mama nervously adjusted and re-adjusted her pea-green shawl while tugging at the loose ringlets in her dyed pale blond hair. The tips of her hair were starting to turn light brown again. Considering our current situation, I wouldn’t be surprised if I see Mama with a head of graying hair within the next several months.

“Is your room okay?” Carlos appeared beside her chair, lightly touching the curved back.

“Yes, it’s fine,” she said with a dismissive wave. She purposefully turned her face away from him, trying to hide the way she was curling her bottom lip.

The attempt was in vain. Carlos himself was biting his lip and, quite possibly, a snarky remark. Before the awkwardness escalated any further, Athena placed a plate in front of Mama with a meek smile and lightly pulled Carlos away to where they were seated.

Mama critically eyed the lasagna for a long moment, then pushed the plate away and hurriedly stood back up. “I’m not hungry. Thank you, though.”

She scurried out of the room as quickly as she could. Barely a minute after she left, Jose slid her plate towards him and devoured the lasagna with as much wolfish gusto as he had previously. I looked down at my plate for a moment, considered pulling a similar move with my food, and then sneaked a glance at Carlos and Athena. The two of them were speaking quietly and it seemed like Athena was on the verge of tears.

Any mere mortal would be driven to the brink of insanity living with one Burromuerto, let alone three. With a deep sigh, I forced another forkful of the food into my mouth.

Perhaps Athena’s cooking will finally help me overcome having such a sensitive stomach.

***

As much as I hated the prospect, Carlos was very firm about me getting a job. Athena is pregnant. Mama and I are tight on funds and allowed to live in Carlos’ respectable-sized townhouse rent-free. So it’s only fair that we pulled our weight somehow.

To my chagrin, being a delivery driver at this hole-in-the-wall pizza restaurant Kelsey’s is the only job I’ve been able to find within the past month. I can and will find better but for now, this will do.

About two hours into my shift, I’m already sick of the cheeky grinning rooster on the wall clock. A portly man stared at the menu with vacant eyes and drool collecting on his lower lip. The restaurant was pretty much deserted except for a stressed-out single mom and her babbling toddler. All I could think about is what kind of terror my future niece or nephew will be when I look at that little girl. She was peeling the wrappers off of crayons and ripping them into confetti strips. Then she placed those same crayons between her tiny knuckles and salivated all over each one. I’m going to have to clean up after that little monster. Ugh.

The portly gentleman finally placed his order: two different pizzas with a series of ridiculously complex toppings. As if taking fifteen minutes to confirm his order wasn’t frustrating enough, he leaned over the counter and gawked at everyone on staff with this bizarre and intense I’ll-eat-you-alive-I’m-that-hungry expression. What made matters worse was how often he kept licking his lips. Dios, I can’t accurately describe the immense relief I felt when he finally took his pizzas and left.

“That’s Don. He’s a regular,” someone said conversationally.

One of my co-workers sidled up next to me. My day just became ironically brighter. She’s a cute Goth girl with shoulder-length multi-colored teal and blue hair.

“He’s...something.” I tried to keep my eye from twitching too much.

“He’s creepy, but not in a fun Tim Burton kind of way.” She laughed as she wiped her hands off on the front of our restaurant’s obnoxious orange uniform apron.

“We’ve been taking bets on if he’s a stoner or mental ward escapee.” Another co-worker joined in on our conversation. He had a bright green Mohawk and several eyebrow piercings. I was mildly surprised he’s able to wear them while on shift.

He leaned on the front counter and grinned obnoxiously. “My theory is Crazy Katie is his wife. She orders the exact same crap he does. Right down to the extra extra sausage and pineapple chunks.”

“You have quite the background story for a complete stranger...” I chuckled softly.

“Gotta do something to entertain ourselves around here,” Mohawk replied. “What else we gonna do? Clean?”

“Speaking of...” The Goth girl pulled a questionable-looking yellow rag out of her apron pocket.

“You get to clean the toilets!” Goth girl and Mohawk crowed at me with the same obnoxious gusto as a too-eager, slightly sadistic game show host.

“Wait...I’m the delivery driver. Shouldn’t we-”

Mohawk snagged the rag and shoved it in my face. “Sunday afternoons are dead, dude. Take all the time you need.”

In a perfect world, I would find a way to turn this around and convince Mohawk to clean the bathrooms while I chatted up the Goth girl. Unfortunately, my efforts would be useless: Mohawk and Goth girl were the only two other employees, Mohawk was wearing an Assistant Manager tag, and the Goth girl had sneakily and flirtatiously shoved her hand in Mohawk’s back pocket.

I took a deep breath. “Is there...better equipment I can use?”

Mohawk cackled like a discount Saturday morning cartoon villain. “You got whatcha got in the broom closet.”

“Alright.” I winced as I took the proffered rag and shuffled off to find the broom closet. My nostrils shriveled up as soon as I opened the door and a myriad of horrible, questionable scents drifted out. My stomach was cartwheeling as I dragged the scuffed-up mop bucket, dingy mop, and other assorted materials towards the tiny unisex bathroom.

Mohawk whistled and I briefly turned to shoot a withering look at him. He winked and saluted in the most obnoxious way he could. Ice radiated up my spine as I remembered when Jose would make similar condescending and mean-spirited gestures at me.

“Pendejo.” I tried to whisper the word as low as I could under my breath. It’d be difficult. Very difficult. But I have to keep my irrational anger in check. This guy is definitely a jerk, but he’s not anywhere close to the same level as Jose. He gives off schoolyard bully vibes not I’ll-ruin-your-life jackass vibes. I’ve tamed schoolyard bullies before. I can handle him.

“What’d you just say?” Mohawk waltzed up to me with his fists on his hips.

“Nothing. Nothing...”

“I know you called me something.”

“Hijueputa,”I spat at him with a big, churlish smirk.

“Son of a bitch?” He was starting to grin now. “Is that the best you’ve got?”

“I’ll refer to you as every nasty slur I know if you wish.”

“Come on, dude.” He lightly clapped my shoulder. “Next time, it’s my turn to clean the shitter. I’m not a complete ass.”

“I don’t know. You’re the spitting image of a burro to me.”

At that, he started laughing and lightly punched my arm.

“Look. I’ll sweeten the deal by throwing in a free pizza.”

I grimaced. No thanks. I’ll take another rubbery lasagna from Athena before I’d ever consider eating the food here.

Mohawk laughed again. “I hate the pizza here too. I only eat as much as I do cause it’s free.”

I sighed heavily and made my way towards the bathroom. Smear-stained mirrors and pubic-hair covered toilet seats were quickly becoming more appealing than one more minute with the assistant manager’s awkward small talk.

***

The first day at my new school finally came. I was exhausted. Utterly exhausted. The entire weekend was a mix of avoiding Jose like the plague, stomaching as much of Athena’s terrible cooking as I could, and spending more time in bathrooms than I ever have in my life. The one highlight was that my supervisor at Kelsey’s was true to his word. After I swabbed the deck that afternoon, he took cleaning duty after a drunk stumbled in and...I really don’t want to entertain that mental image right now.

Just as I was reliving that nightmare, I saw my coworkers hanging out in front of the massive blond brick school building. Duncan was shamelessly smoking a cigarette and had his free arm slung around Gwen’s shoulders. He made some kind of lewd, crass comment and she was laughing to the point of tears. Gwen was definitely head over heels for this loser for whatever reason. I suppose he has some kind of roguish charm or charisma to him. He’s certainly the classic definition of a bad boy type.

Duncan looked up and caught me looking over at them. Then he waved lazily and gave me a cheeky monkey’s grin before immediately turning back to Gwen.

I rolled my eyes and headed inside. Despite how I felt, I was hoping that I could revitalize my weary spirit in an environment I know how to sow and develop to my liking. Cress is a smaller city in the pocket of the larger, more glamorous New York City. It’s small enough to cultivate starry-eyed longing for something bigger and greater than small town life, but big enough to have a fairly diverse student population. There are the stereotypical cliques and hierarchy, but then there are the eccentric outliers. I already passed by one student outrageously confident enough to walk the school halls wearing a cape and Star Wars light saber. He was even accompanied by a fairly attractive redhead rocking an old-school librarian look.

While I’m disappointed that the lovely Gwen was already taken, there are already plenty of other prospects hanging out in the front lobby alone. Excuse the inappropriate and archaic description, but I felt like a ravenous squid at a high-quality sushi bar.

There was a shapely brunette girl wearing a knee-length tan skirt and matching platform boots chatting with a blond girl that had Sunglasses on her head and an old-school Hollywood aura about her. Another cute redhead with pigtails and big brown eyes was animatedly talking to a moony-eyed blond in a sweater and lavender tights. Before I could even decide what to do next, I was approached by a green-eyed blond with her hair tied back in a long ponytail.

“Hey!” She seemed a bit sheepish as she extended her hand. “I’m Bridgette. Awkward question. Are you the new exchange student?”

I put on my most charming smile and gently kissed her knuckles. “Pleasure to make your acquaintance. I’m Alejandro.”

“A-ah….” She blushed furiously as she took her hand away.

“Excuse me for being so forward, but you’re very beautiful. I’m especially drawn to your eyes. They’re the same shade and color as jade.”

“I-I have a boyfriend,” Bridgette squeaked. “I’m flattered, but...I have a boyfriend.”

“He’s quite lucky to have you.” I smiled again and winked at her.

Bridgette only managed a low, incomprehensible noise this time.

Coincidentally, a lean and slightly muscled blond in a pink button-up shirt walked over to us at just the right moment. He had one arm draped around the true foreign exchange student and was fastening a gaudy button to the younger boy’s shirt. It had a poorly illustrated squirrel on the front.

“And this is my lovely girlfriend-” The blond fellow stopped when he saw her beet-red face.

As if directed by his sixth sense, he slowly turned his head towards me. I waved and gave a faux innocent smile as the gears slowly turned in his mind. Once everything clicked, one of his eyes started twitching slightly.

“Are you okay, Geoff?” The exchange student lightly tugged at his light pink button-up shirt.

“Just peachy,” Geoff replied through gritted teeth. Before the exchange student could prompt him again, he pulled away and adjusted the collar of his shirt as he cleared his throat.

“Geoff...hey...” Bridgette looked like she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

“Hey, are you another exchange student?” Geoff asked me, trying with some difficulty to keep his composure in tact.

“No. I am a new student, though.” I shot my most oily smile at him. “Your girlfriend definitely gave me quite a warm welcome.”

Bridgette’s blush intensified, Geoff became even more visibly furious, and the exchange student just looked baffled.

“...can you help me find my locker?” The exchange student piped up.

“Of course!” With that, Geoff made a very blatant display of slipping his arm around Bridgette’s waist and glaring daggers at me. “Bridgette and I are happy to help however we can!”

“Hey, do you want to come, too?” The exchange student looked over at me expectantly. “Maybe we can help each other out.”

It would be so fun to wind up Geoff a bit more and sneak in a few more comments to fluster Bridgette. Honestly, though, it’d be far more refreshing to flirt with someone more receptive and free right now. I’m itching for some witty banter or ego-boosting comments after the weekend I had.

“No, I’ll be fine. Thank you, though.”

Just for good measure, I winked again and blew a kiss to Bridgette when she sneaked one last look at me.

While I wanted to try and flirt with one of the other girls in the lobby, I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of them had witnessed that exchange and picked up on the tension. I probably already shot myself in the foot by being extra obnoxious. So I decided to venture a bit further into the school and see what else I could find in the forty minutes I had left to kill before classes started.

***

The library at Cress High was surprisingly large for a public school. There was an elegant domed ceiling, a computer lab with some of the highest-end computers and tablets on the market right now, and rows upon rows of books at least seven feet high. A short page wandered the aisles and there were step ladders in the middle of each aisle prompting students to ask the page for help in obtaining a book from one of the taller shelves.

A few students were milling around the aisles or clumped around tables staring intently at smart phones. Considering the location and atmosphere, I was hoping to stumble across a shy violet with her nose stuck in a weighty tome somewhere around here. Instead, I found a stressed-out brunette in the middle of one of the aisles. She was surrounded by reams of “Vote Courtney” stickers, fliers, and buttons. All of the promotional materials were professionally done up with similar colors and theme to President Barack Obama’s well-known Hope poster.

“Would you like some help?” I bent down and folded my arms on my knees.

“Yes, please!” Courtney bellowed, her tone slightly strained. “At least there’s some helpful people around here...”

I started scooping up some of the various materials and arranging them in appropriate piles.

“So, I presume you are running for class president?”

“Yes!” She beamed and her eyes lit up like a string of fairy lights. “I’m hoping this will finally be my year! I’ve been class treasurer for the past two years. It’d be nice if I got to be president for senior year, you know? It’d look so good on a college application!”

“I certainly hope you win.”

Let’s see if I can steer the conversation from fluffy yes-man compliments towards something else.

“Thank you!” She was grinning ear to ear now. “I have so many new policies I want to put in place, too. Unlike the current president, the witch that shall not be named, I actually listen to people...”

“Mm-hmmm.”

“That b-I mean, witch, only wants the position because she can abuse her power to call in favors for friends. She’s such a bitch that that’s the only reason she even has friends. And, I mean, that’s the only reason I can conceivably see Lindsay, dumber than a sack of rocks Lindsay, of all people being captain of the Chess club. Or Dakota being able to start her weird retro fashion club...”

Courtney went on like this for some time, complaining about other students I didn’t and may never know. The one element that caught my attention was her strange fixation on and utter hatred towards the current class president. The more mud-flinging she did, the more fascinated I was by who this witch was. I definitely needed to keep tabs on her if only to secure my own place in Cress High’s hierarchy.

Courtney took a deep breath as she started, hopefully, coming down from her long-winded rant. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, Courtney actually stopped to look at me. I turned towards her and held her gaze, trying to put on my most charming, heart-melting smile. Apparently, it was effective because she dropped all of the precious materials she’d been clinging to and absentmindedly reached up to touch her cheek.

“You’re...you’re gorgeous...” She muttered.

“And you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen at this school,” I replied, reaching out and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “On top of that, you’re smart, ambitious, and you obviously care very deeply about the welfare of your fellow students.”

Courtney sighed happily as she bit her lip. “Yeah. That’s all true.”

“You’d do a fantastic job running this school,” I said in a dramatic stage whisper.

“Keep telling me how great I am.” Her eyes were shimmering.

“You’re a very capable, powerful woman. Seize the day!”

“Yes!” She clenched her fists. “I’ll beat Heather this year. I can do it!”

Suddenly, the bell rang and Courtney’s pupils shrank when she realized that she still had a mess to clean up. I sighed and rolled my eyes when she wasn’t looking then started shoveling miscellaneous materials into her backpack. She was gritting her teeth and stuffing everything back in with reckless abandon.

“I can’t be late...I can’t be...” The poor girl uttered the words like a mantra.

She was so caught up in her own thoughts, she snagged the last few things from my hand and took off like a rocket. So I was left sitting there on the carpeted floor with my mouth slightly agape. From what I can tell, I just served as faceless emotional support and it’d be very difficult to follow up with her now. No number. No date. Not even a loose thread for picking things up again later. Was I losing my game?

***

I refused to let Courtney deter me and had a few different phone numbers by lunchtime. Grinning, I scanned the lunchroom, hoping to find the cute dark-eyed, long lashes brunette I’d been chatting up all throughout English.

To my surprise, someone grabbed my arm and whirled me around to face her. It was Courtney, lids lowered flirtatiously and light pink lip gloss applied to her lips. The color was garish but I was too excited by the underlying implications to care. Batting her eyelashes, Courtney walked two fingers up my chest and suggested going somewhere more private.

To my further surprise, she dragged me to a little mom and pop sandwich shop and even offered to buy me a sub. That wheat and turkey sandwich was the best food I’ve had in about a week now. Dios, I had to restrain myself from tearing it apart like a ravenous, wild wolf. Courtney spent the entire time talking about herself and her grand goals, but I was more than happy to listen since she’d been generous enough to buy me something. There were even a few interesting and helpful nuggets sprinkled in about other students that I mentally filed away for later.

Perhaps, Courtney is girlfriend material. It’s been awhile since I last seriously committed to someone. I still think about Gabriel ever so often and every time, I feel kind of sad. We honestly had a lot in common and gelled very well, but the physical attraction didn’t stick. He felt more like my platonic best friend than my boyfriend. I don’t have the most honest track record in regards to my love life but I will be merciful. There was no way I was going to string the poor fellow along.

Between thoughts of Gabriel and staring longingly at Courtney’s lips, I decided to just wait and see how things progressed. Aggressive and assertive girls definitely hook me in faster than anyone else. I just need to make sure I don’t fall too hard too fast. It’s better that I be the one with a level head no matter how much of a romantic I am.

Courtney folded up her napkin, tossed it in the nearest bin, and grabbed the collar of my shirt.

“Let’s head back to my car.” It was a demand not a request.

Minutes later, Courtney had pulled off under some trees at a nondescript park. She immediately snapped off her seatbelt and rolled on top of me, forced the seat back just under the windows, and wrapped her arms around my neck. She dived right in, her kisses as strong and powerful as she tried to present herself.

About five minutes in, Courtney pulled away and gave me a very stern look.

“Is something wrong?” My heart was already sinking to the pit of my stomach.

“We’re going faster than I normally do...” She sighed, her face falling.

“We can slow things down,” I assured her, even though my pounding heart and hormones screamed otherwise. “I honestly prefer to do some pretty extensive wining and dining before going too far. How about we head back to school for now and plan another date for later this week? I’d be more than happy to treat you next time.”

Courtney sighed, then crawled off of me and back into the drivers’ seat. She folded her arms on the steering wheel and dipped her head forward, covering her face with a curtain of brown hair. The hopeless part of me noticed how the dappling sunlight painted yellow highlights across various strands and sections of her hair. It was an impromptu, natural halo.

“Alejandro...I’m so sorry.”

“What for?” I was trying to decide whether or not it’d be a good idea to put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“I just got out of a bad break-up.” She tilted her head and looked over at me through half-lidded eyes. “My ex cheated on me with my best friend and...I just. I’ve been trying so hard to keep it in. So hard.”

“Oh, wow...I’m very sorry to hear that.”

“When I saw you this morning, I had to have you. I was scared if I didn’t make a move right now you’d be snatched up by some other girl. But I think I moved too soon, you know?”

I felt like I was being tugged in two different directions: one part was extremely sympathetic while the other wanted to crush cars with my bare fists. Before I acted too rashly, I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair. The better move here is to play the kind gentleman providing a shoulder to cry on. In a few days, I could collect myself and hopefully, make more meaningful progress with another one of my prospects.

“You’re okay, Courtney. You’re in a lot of emotional pain right now and people act quite irrationally when they’re upset enough.” I tried to smile in a sweet, reassuring way. “Let’s just be friends for now. I’m happy to be someone to confide in for now. And when you’re up for it, we can try this again if you want to...”

Courtney sniffed a few times while giving me the most pathetic look she could. She pulled a tissue out of her glove box, wiped her eyes and nose, then looked back at me with a strange determination in her eyes.

“Promise me something, Alejandro?”

“What is that?” A sense of dread crawled down my neck and I could feel the ghost of Courtney’s lips from a few minutes before.

“When we become exclusive, you won’t ever cheat on me.” Her eyes were daggers, pinning me to the car seat.

I swallowed hard and involuntarily raised my hands in an “I surrender” gesture. “Never.”

“Good.” She nodded and readjusted herself.

Then she spent an agonizing five minutes preening herself with the car mirror. Sweat raced down the back of my neck and I was imagining shackled wrists. If only I had another ride back to school.

As Courtney drove back, she slipped back to her normal demeanor. She carried on a one-sided discussion about how she wanted to decorate the gym for the upcoming Homecoming dance. It took all my will power not to bash open the side door and take off at roadrunner speeds once we returned to school.

“So...here’s my number,” Courtney said shyly, holding up her phone and showing me her details.

Heart hammering in my chest, I took out my own phone and pretended to punch in her details.

“Got it.”

“Text me, okay?” She smiled sweetly and chuckled. “Walk me to class?”

“I’m sorry, Courtney. I promised the science teacher I’d help set up his next presentation.”

“Aw, you’re so sweet, Alejandro.” With that, she waved and took off for her next class.

As shameful as this is for me to admit, I skipped my last class and spent thirty minutes splashing my face with water and mulling over my new Courtney situation. I even took the time to scrub at the lip gloss marks, but even after I’d wiped them off, I could still feel a lingering tingle. It was rare that a kiss came with such a heavy price tag attached.

***

On the way home, I grabbed a cheap greasy McDonald’s burger. Then I holed up in my room, or more specifically, the room I shared with Jose. I was so thankful he had an all-night shift at the gas station tonight.

I wedged myself in the corner of the room wedged between my bed and the wall. Overflowing with shame, I reached into the paper bag and dug out the cancer-on-a-bun burger. My eyes started welling with frustrated tears as I tore off the thin yellow wrapper and took a big bite. No matter how much I thoroughly despised McDonald’s, it was still better and a quick, convenient substitute for Athena’s rubbery pasta.

There was a knock at the bedroom door. My shoulders sagged and I closed my eyes, smiling wryly at the sliding lock on the door. Both that lock had been pulled across and Jose’s computer chair had been wedged under the knob.

“Alejandro? It’s dinner time!” Carlos called out. “Mama and Athena are waiting.”

“I have a big test tomorrow!” I called back as big fat embarrassing tears rolled down my cheeks. “I really need to study. I grabbed something on the way home so I could get right to it.”

“Care to join us for a few minutes?” Carlos asked, slight concern in his voice.

“It’s a test for French class.”

There were a few beats of silence. Carlos was well aware of how infatuated I was with the French language. I remember gushing to him over the phone years ago about how desperately I wanted a chance to practice speaking and refining my so limited pool of knowledge on the subject. So, this was one of the few lies I knew I could successfully sell him on.

Carlos let out a heavy sigh. “Alright. I hope you do well tomorrow.”

I took another bite of the burger and sloppily swiped at my tears with one of the napkins in the bag. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t get myself to finish the nightmare burger. It ended up in the trash along with the uneaten sugar-drenched fries once I threw myself back on the mattress. The smell lingered heavily in the air. My stomach churned and lurched, but I’ve been getting used to scents from the seventh level of hell over the past week.

Jose had been dragging fast food home for the past week. Somehow, his diet had increased dramatically and the fellow that used to send well done steak back to the chef was shoveling down grease-soaked burgers every night. He was a very broken and defeated man, but he was too proud to express himself or talk things out. Instead, he was turning to fast food for...I don’t know. Comfort?

I guess. I guess I was hoping that it might help me too. If one McDonald’s burger could fill the void growing in my stomach then I could easily balance it out with enough exercise and meditation later, right? I’ve been exercising, but my mind is too rattled to meditate lately.

A few more tears rolled down my face when my cell phone buzzed in my pocket. I scrubbed at my face, hating how gross and weak and utterly pathetic I felt. My heart sank to the toes of my boots when I glanced at the screen. But I steeled myself and answered anyway.

“Hello Papa...” I managed, trying to sound more confident than I felt.

“Hello Alejandro. I have a proposition for you.”

“Yes…?” I felt so low right now it was hard to summon up any kind of reaction. All I knew was that he was about to dangle something in my face like a callous fisherman baits an unsuspecting worm. He’d always enjoyed pitting Jose and I against each other by offering exclusive opportunities like a chance to go to a prestigious private school in Paris or a violin lesson with the best violinist in the world. All it took was furthering our hatred for each other and achieving some arbitrary, petty goal that ultimately made Papa look better in the long run.

“I remember how you used to go on and on about wanting to study architecture at the Pratt Institute...” Papa said with a certain smugness and satisfaction in his voice. What I imagined was an anthropomorphic cat with a wide, devilish grin full of sharp, glinting canines.

“Yes?”

“I’ll cover your full tuition if you get straight As this semester and become the president of at least two school clubs as well as earn the class president title overall.”

A big lump formed in my throat as I shot a tired look at the architecture books lying at the base of my bed. Blueprints and pictures of beautiful, arcing Gothic cathedrals filled my mind’s eye. Drool collected on my bottom lip and I swallowed hard.

“And you know what kinds of connections I have.” He chuckled softly. “I could set you up with a job right out of college.”

My heart was stuck inside of a piano getting played by an insane pianist that kept pounding the pedals. Every heart beat was strained and painful as if my heart was set between a piano hammer and string.

“What do you say, Alejandro?”

He knew he had hooked me in. I was a helpless fish, desperately floundering about and trying to return to the placid waters below.

“Yes.” I swallowed hard. “Yes, I’ll do it.”

[puppyluver256]

OKAY SO NOW I HAVE SOME DESIGN CONCEPTS FOR MY SFMxSPLATOON AU HERE YOU GO and now I’m gonna try to run down what this is all about outside of the braindump post that I kept adding onto.

Splat For Me - A Summary

The basic gist is that Habit owns a flower shop in Inkopolis and Kamal is his partner of both the business and romance types. Habit’s a shark, specifically a porbeagle (I’m gonna refer to him as a “Sharkling” due to working on similar logic to Inklings and Octolings), and Kamal’s an octo. The flower shop would have an in-game function kinda like a combination of the Crust Bucket (in that they have floral accessories that players could add to their hat/clothing for exp boosts, cash boosts, and temporary ability add-ons) and Salmon Run (in that you’d get another play mode where you fight weird enemies, more details below).

Sharkling Habit

I had a hard time makin him not look like Garbage so my efforts should be appreciated at some level. I know the only precedent for sharks in the Splatoon universe is Fuka Bottom of the Bottom Feeders (one of the in-universe music groups that AREN’T Squid Sisters or Off the Hook, look ‘em up), but they’ve got that “I’ve turned this shark vertically and am now looking at their mouth and underbelly” look to ‘em that I most definitely did not want, but I managed to make something more in my vision yaaaaay

Habit managed to get away from his nasty abusive parents before becoming a dentist in this AU (besides, being a dentist isn’t THAT lucrative when the dominant species doesn’t even have bones let alone proper teeth), so he’s not Dr. Habit here, he’s just Boris the flower shark. He’s gotten a lot of attention for his little flower shop, partly because the kids participating in turf war are getting some really good use out of the shop’s floral accessories and partly because they like coming around just to see Habit. S’not every day that you get to hang around vertebrates in this society, and they think his teeth are cool. Yup, that’s why I made him a shark, to make the too-many-teeth face not so unnatural. And being a shark, sometimes those extra teeth push themselves forward and knock out the old ones, which if still in decent condition never go to waste. The really nice-looking ones get turned into authentic shark tooth necklaces (after they’ve gone through a good wash, of course, don’t wanna give the customers his mouth germs), the others that don’t have any significant wear and tear get either ground into bone meal for his flowers or occasionally just shoved whole into the soil, with the erythronium responding to these treatments the best.

While there is some flower growth going on in the shop itself, most of the work there is keeping them healthy for sale and the major growth time for the flowers are off-site in various greenhouses that he refers to as Habitats. (before he had these set up, he was caught several times trying to grow flowers in the Kelp Dome and subsequently removed, took five times for him to realize that maybe he shouldn’t be doing that and also maybe don’t try to swipe a nearly-ripe artichoke on your way out gdi) They’re a bit more than just a normal greenhouse, actually; they’re self-contained areas that seem to be made with materials and techniques that are incredibly similar to Octarian technology. How’d he get ahold of that stuff? No one knows, not even Kamal, and he’s the most likely source of such tech who’d be close to him. One thing that is for certain is that he’s procured something that lets non-inking beings use ink-based weapons, and it’s been incredibly helpful given certain recent developments...

Turns out that his Habitats are starting to come under fire from some very tricky troublemakers. Weird little crafts somehow breaking in from the skies, piloted by...snails? Are they really snails? They certainly don’t look like the Super Sea Snails that everyone’s used to, they look more like the typical image of a UFO piloted by snail-like creatures (snailiens?), but they’re here and they’re hungry and they’ve got a taste for flowers. And Habit’s friggin’ pissed. That’s where the player would come in if this were a real game element: once you’d get to a certain freshness level, you’d make your way to the flower shop only to see Kamal manning the counter instead of Habit, and he’d suggest you go help Habit deal with his pest problem because you “look like you’re pretty capable with slingin’ ink”. After a tutorial where you learn how to deal with the big boy snailiens, you could join up with some other players and take ‘em on. You would, of course, be rewarded handsomely for your help.

Funny little image I also had in mind: he’s been known to get stuck in shark form at inopportune moments, and when this happens he’ll need someone to crack his back to make it easier to shift back into humanoid form. No one knows how to handle this unless they’ve done it at least once because no one else around him has booooones XD (also his humanoid form is prolly gonna still have green skin despite no part of the porbeagle being green because I don’t currently feel comfortable assigning natural skintones to any of the SFM characters who are canonically green/blue/purple/etc, unless their canon design makes it Very Obvious what natural skintone would be most likely, ie. Tiff)

Octoling Kamal

Kamal was significantly easier to work with due to my experience with drawing Octolings already hahaha

Kamal’s the assistant manager at Habit’s flower shop, which is basically a fancy way of saying he’s the only other person there who could legally be a full-time employee. He handles most of the logistics of keeping the shop stable, because as much passion the boss has for their work, passion alone can’t pay the bills and he’s often a tad too distracted to deal with the numbers and paperwork. They work pretty well together, even if they do both have a tendency to goof off on the job.

I seriously doubt that Marina and the various incarnations of Agent 8 were the only Octolings to migrate topside after the events of the first game, so Kamal was probably one of several who found a way out. I haven’t hammered this part out yet entirely, but I’m pretty sure that he would’ve been on staff for a weapons/tech r-n-d group before leaving at his first opportunity and grabbing some random gadget in the process. He hated the place he ended up emerging in because it was near a small town where everyone was so spread out and him being used to (not necessarily comfortable with, just used to) constant sounds at all hours made the silence of just the first night unbearable. So he tried to hop a train to any urban area that he came across but in his haste to get topside he forgot to bring any moneeeyyy, not even Octarian money just no money at all, left it all behind like a goof. He ends up freaking out to himself because even though he’s got a valuable Thing on him it’s not like the train people are gonna recognize it as anything but junk or even be able/willing to accept it as replacement for standard currency, then out of nowhere this huge-ass shark man just shows up and buys a ticket to Inkopolis for him? Okay, sure, he’ll take what he can get, even if the guy was all “u owe me a ‘favor’ ;-)” once they were on their way. And of course that’s how he met his future boss and bf. ;P

At some point Kamal gets a little jealous of all the kids having fun with the turf war stuff and kinda wishes he could try it out at least once, but of course that’s kid stuff and he’s got Adult Responsibilities to worry about... Oh wait, there’s actually an adults’ league? And Habit’s insisting on giving him time off to go try it and see how it is? 

(also those flower seed bags say “bloomy” in one of the Inkling alphabets, and yes it WAS a “woomy” joke on my part)

Other details (to be expanded upon)

Putunia and Flower Kid are often seen at the flower shop, even though I don’t have any designs for them yet). Putunia is there so often because she’s Habit and Kamal’s adopted kid, and while she REALLY wants to get into turf war she’s far too young. (if you’ve ever seen the Inkling growth chart, she’s at stage 3 of growth) Flower Kid’s there because they are a part-time employee, often delivering products around town, but they spend enough time with their employers and Putunia that they might as well be their honorary child as well. They’re old enough to participate in turf war, they’re just not interested in doing so.

[batgirl-87]

Your Jacob Character

I was tagged in @hufflepunk-asfrick ‘s Jacob challenge by @cptaincarswell and  @dahlwyn - I am so excited to do this! I saw this going around and really wanted to be tagged so thank you so much! 

I tag @arnyan @wilhelminafujita (I���ll leave you to tag blueroses 😉) @missnight0wl and @gryffinpuffthunderbird if you haven’t already and want to and anyone else who wants to because this is so much fun!

Rules:

Make a collage of characters that summarize your version of Jacob (Okay so I followed cptain’s way because there were certain quotes and gifs I thought captured my view of Jacob in addition to making a photo collage because I’m an overachiever [or just bored] - Also, I mainly focused on big brother characters and sibling relationships because that’s how I view my Jacob, he’s the big brother! So really it’s just a lot of big brother characters =p)

Alec Lightwood - Shadowhunters

Besides being a great face claim for my Jacob, but with different eye colour, I also think the relationship between Alec and Isabelle is a great representative for my Jacob and MC.

Brave, caring, compassionate, and protective older brother. His more quiet and stoic, somewhat withdrawn, demeanor may intimidate others, especially when he can be a bit distrustful towards others, and cause them believe he’s “too cool” for them but honestly he’s very humble and possibly even insecure. He also is caring and even affectionate towards those close to him, quite observant to when something is bothering them and will do whatever he can to be there for them. Sarcastic especially towards those he does not like, unable to hide his dislike for others. And clearly Alec has to be physically fit and athletic, as is Jacob since he has goals of playing Quidditch professionally and is quite the Keeper 😉 (noted since some of these other character representatives are not all that athletic =p)

Mainly it’s about his relationship with his sister, Isabelle. Fiercely protective over those he cares about and loyal to them, particularly his sister. He assumes responsibility as the eldest as serves as a protector and healer while having no second thoughts or hesitation of putting himself in danger to keep them safe. He and his sister are very close, both always watching out for the other. He watches out for her safety and she concerned over his emotional well-being (especially because he seems to internalize a lot and never really talk about it). If one is suffering, physically or emotionally, the other is also greatly affected by it.

It’s not her fight, or his fight, it’s their fight - they have each other’s backs, they’re there for each other, they’re partners - it’s them against the world because they’re really all each other has especially after their mum’s death and their father’s side of the family wanting nothing to do with them. But together they can face anything. And yeah he can be a badass and will punch someone in the face especially for his sister.

And in the sync eye roll - classic Jacob and Keira =p Often sharing looks and knowing exactly what the other is thinking and it may normally be shady about someone else in the room =p They may love teasing each other but they love joining forces to judge others more =p

Sebastian Hastings - She’s The Man

Brother who takes off to follow his dreams and leaves his sister to deal with the responsibilities he left behind... sound familiar? =p

While that is true, I like this quote from him because I feel like this is something Jacob tries to consistently get across to his little sister - follow your dreams no matter what, even if you have to break some rules.

Plus he’s musical like my Jacob, who plays guitar and can sing, but while Sebastian may not be the greatest soccer player, Jacob is a great Quidditch Keeper with goals to play professionally.

However, would Jacob strip off his pants in the middle of a game to prove he is who he says he is? Yeah, he would. And the immediately realize there’s a whole audience of people watching and probably turn completely red and quickly pull his pants back up but he still wouldn’t run off in embarrassment and act cool and stick around like Sebastian who remains “Present!” even after exposing himself to everyone =p Because Jacob truly is pretty chill and doesn’t let much faze him and he’s able to laugh at himself.

Taichi “Tai” Kamiya - Digimon

This is it. Everyone else can go home =p

UGH THE NOSTALGIC FEELS!!!!

I will somehow refrain from delving into my nostalgic emotions and do my best to focus on the task at hand -

Tai for me has always been big brother goals and I love his relationship with Kari (who, yes is my fav) - when she got super sick OMG

Classic older brother sometimes gets annoyed with his little sister and puts his wants and desires over her health (we’re playing soccer even if you don’t feel well suck it up! =p - oh look, an athletic older brother! - Seriously though, Jacob probably would make Keira help him practice for Quidditch even if she wasn’t feeling well and then if she got horribly sick and had to go to the hospital he would feel terrible!)

BUT he loves his sister probably more than anything and anyone and is super protective, especially after almost killing her - he felt awful about doing that and Jacob better feel awful about putting his sister through all this Vault drama. 

Also when they’re little adorable (SO CUTE) and he’s always taking care of her, making her dinner because they’re parents are busy - Jacob did primarily take care of her - they took care of each other - especially after their mom died despite having guardians to take care of them. And then they embark on adventures together! =p He’s brave, he’s a leader, he’s also a bit of a dork but he’ll do whatever he needs to protect those he cares about. (seriously I can’t get into it a lot or I’ll cry from all the feels!)

Max Dennison - Hocus Pocus

Somewhat dramatic Jacob moment above =p

Other older brother goals? Bickering and teasing older brother and little sister but they love each other and when she is in danger her brother does anything to keep her safe. And another sibling adventure! Plus, he may try to act cool (nah, it’s all just hocus pocus, why believe in this legend... but I’m still going to go along anyway! Probably also how he dealt with the Vaults, pretended to doubt their existence to be ‘cool’ but what if they are real!? Could be... should check it out...just to be sure!) but he’s really a dork and probably humiliates himself a lot... Fortunately Jacob has a good sense of humor and can laugh at himself. Also can he be bit of a dramatic little shit? Yes, yes he can.

Dwayne Hoover - Little Miss Sunshine

My favorite character in this movie...

Dwayne is very determined and focused on his goals, as is Jacob. I mean taking a vow of silence to show how disciplined he is and how determined and focused he is on his goals - like Jacob making sacrifices for his determination concerning the Vaults.

In also classic teenage angst-ness, Dwayne hates his family and wants nothing to do with them; with Jacob and Keira’s tense relationship with the Black side of the family Jacob has very much the same attitude - he’s going to do what he wants, fuck them, and they can just leave him alone, he wants nothing to do with them. He takes the Black last name because he’s done being a “shameful secret” to them but that doesn’t mean he wants to be a part of this family and be embraced by them - he couldn’t care less about them. It’s more out of spite. 

Despite all this, Dwayne also loved his little sister and was supportive of her. She was also the only one who managed to calm him down and ground him after he realized his colour blindness (also my Jacob is red/green colourblind!). Dwayne bestows some wisdom to his sister much like Jacob would about not caring about what others think, playing into bs beauty standards when life is one big beauty pageant, just be yourself, do what you love, and fuck the rest. 

And again, can he be a bit of a dramatic little shit? Yes, we’re Blacks, we are very dramatic =p Going from this chill, apathetic, ‘whatever, I don’t care’ demeanor to suddenly freaking out in a dramatic rage - classic Jacob =p While he may be more laid back than his sister he still has a fiery Irish rage.

Also that dancing at the end...

Cliff Pantone - Bring It On

Oh hey, another fantastic representation of Jacob and my MC’s relationship =p

First off, look at this dork playing guitar and jumping around his room, thinking he’s so cool when he’s, again, a huge dork - that’s Jacob =p Also possibly another good face claim for my Jacob that I never thought of before...

His relationship with his sister is perfect because they kind of are like best friends. There’s teasing and making faces at each other but there’s love and support (I know he has a thing for Torrence but I still think he goes to support his sister as a cheerleader as well and he totally went to all her gymnastic meets and probably classes too). He’s clearly musical (plays guitar like my Jacob), and although I don’t believe he’s ever shown participating in any athletics or mentions it (I haven’t seen this movie in awhile) he appears to be pretty athletic and fit (look at him! =p) which Jacob is as a Quidditch player with goals to become a professional. 

Despite being a dork, he also manages to be pretty cool, doesn’t let idiot bullies get to him, he’s above all that kind of crap, and that infamous toothbrushing scene - classic Jacob who’s subtle (and okay still a bit dorky) but it works (maybe he teaches Bill a thing or two =p)

~*~*~

All in all, Jacob is the classic big brother who manages to be a chill, cool dork who’s quiet and sarcastic, with fortunately a great sense of humor to laugh at himself. He’s athletic, musical, ambitious, a bit rebellious, but like a true Gryffindor will leap in the line of fire to protect those he cares about without any hesitation while also being a caring and affectionate friend and brother who will punch you in the face, especially for his sister. He and his sister may bicker and tease each other and play fight but they care so much for each other, always have each other’s backs, take care of each other, protect each other, be there for each other no matter what - its them against the world.

[ask-de-writer]

Today’s WIP is INSURANCE, a Grumpy Goat <tail>

This WIP is not age restricted.  Like all Grumpy <tails> it is rated YA.

INSURANCE

a Grumpy Goat <tail>

by

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

7813 words Presently written The story is incomplete

THIS A WORK IN PROGRESS

© 2019 by Glen Ten-Eyck

Writing begun 02/08/18

All rights reserved.  This document may not be copied or distributed on or to any medium or placed in any mass storage system except by the express written consent of the author.

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Copyright fair use rules for Tumblr users

Users of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights.  They may reblog the story.  They may use the characters or original characters in my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical compositions.   All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fictions are actively encouraged.

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I was down in the Ponyville Hall of Records, doing one of my most favorite things.  I was paying Mol, the somewhat elderly mare who ran the place, seventy bits in contract registration fees.  She was happily sorting my most recent contracts and doing all of those clerkly things connected to registering them and making them all into totally legal ruin, bad luck and doom for ponies in and around Ponyville, all paid for in advance by OTHER PONIES from in and around Ponyville!  My business is Non Equine magic, conducted by carefully drawn and publicly registered contracts.

Mol was looking at the pile as she shook her head.  “They certainly are keeping you busy with your Non Equine magic practice, aren't they, Grumpy, my favorite dead goat?”

The glamor spell that lets any other being see my otherwise invisible spirit body smiled as I replied, “They certainly are, Mol, my lovely.  Seven contracts yesterday alone and not a one that is a minimum fee job.  All from 500 golden bits on up.”  

Mol smiled as she filed the papers.  It always tickles her fancy that I pretend that she is both young and beautiful.  It is our game.  “I am surprised that any of Ponyville is still standing, Grumpy.  Before you started registering your Non Equine magic contracts, I had no idea that so many ponies wished each other such ill will.”

Mol sighed and leaned on the polished hardwood of the counter.  “There is something that you should know about, Grumpy.  One of the agents for Canterlot Casualty and Life got caught trying to sneak a registered policy out of the files here.  It was your old Home Owner's and Life Insurance policy. You know, the policy that they gave you so much trouble settling when your old house here in town got burned down by that anti goat mob.”

That captured my attention entire.  “Perhaps I should take a look at that policy, Mol, my beauty.  I was led to believe that it was over and done with after the court ordered settlement was paid on my house.”

Grinning like she had just performed a magical trick, Mol reached under the counter and produced a fat envelope.  “Somehow, Grumpy, I suspected that you would want to take a look.”

Whistling tunelessly, I leafed through the pages of a policy that I had last seen while being bullied by a Canterlot Casualty and Life agent.  I was younger, less experienced and recovering from serious burns along with some broken bones at the time, so I was easier to mislead than I am now.  I could easily see WHY they wanted to steal the only copy of this little time bomb.

When I took out the policy, I was new to Ponyville and had named MYSELF as the beneficiary.  At the time, I did not know anybody else well enough to just hoof over the whole 5,000 bits to, should I die.  True, though it took suing them to get it, they had paid off on my house and contents after the Celestian Church anti goat mob attacked me and set fire to my home.

It was Mol who pointed out to me the deadly part of the policy that was being stolen.  Attached to the policy was a Royal Chancery copy of my death certificate with a note of the date that the company was notified that I was formally deceased and must be paid the death benefit of 5000.00 golden bits.

Serenely she hoofed over a separate sheet with the interest and penalties calculated on it.  Mol said, “Due to the fifteen year delay so far, the wonders of compound interest, not to mention late fees, based on the total amount owing, Grumpy, they owe you just over 1,000,000 Golden Bits!”

I looked up in something like shock.  Batting the eyelashes that I don't actually have, I commented, “Mol, my darling sweet pony, I thought that I was the evil one here!  What led you to check this out for me?”

Gone dead serious and weeping just a little, she leaned heavily on the counter as she replied, “A few months ago, my brother Brownie was killed in a cart accident over on the Falmire Cutoff.  He was pulling a two wheel delivery wagon and a big brewery wagon cut too close to him.  Their front axle end took out spokes on Brownie's right wheel.  That flipped his cart and dumped him onto his side.  The brewery wagon ran over his neck with their rear wheel.  It killed him on the spot.

“Canterlot Casualty and Life tried to bully poor Vanner, his widow, into taking only half of his standard life insurance value.  They tried to tell her that Brownie had set up the accident and that his death was a suicide!  They claimed that they did not have to pay anything and were being GENEROUS in offering her HALF of the standard death benefit.

“Judge Coldheart listened to the case and ordered them to pay the full double indemnity for accidental death forthwith.  Even so, Vanner did not get her check for nearly three weeks.”

I looked up (goats like me are little guys) and asked, “Would it be too much trouble to request full copies of this policy and attachments, my lovely mare?”

Her smile returning, Mol slid the documents that I had been studying across the polished hardwood of the counter.  “I was pretty sure that you would want them, Grumpy.  These are official copies.  I paid for them myself.  If anyone can kick Canterlot Casualty and Life in the rump, it is you!”

I neatly folded everything back into its envelope, reached up to take Mol's hoof in my own glamored ones and gave her a kiss on the hoof.  “That my lovely sweet young mare is for your kindness.  Adieu, my lovely mare, until I next have business for you.  You may be assured that I will keep you informed about this little matter, too.”

I took my leave, tail flipping about with pleasure.

Nearing the offices of Canterlot Casualty and Life, I thoughtfully let the glamor spell on my invisible spirit body go.  I did cast one more small glamor to make my very solid saddlebags turn invisible as well.

I waited until some ponies were going in and joined them, thus entering the office without being noticed.  Even if nopony could see it, I smiled.  This was my idea of fun!

The Ponyville branch manager's door was shut.  I did the simplest thing possible.  I knocked.  At his call of, “Come in!” I did.  And shut the door behind me.  The dark blue unicorn with a pale purple mane and tail sitting behind the desk looked up after a few moments of determined looking but bogus paper shuffling.

Irritated that his act of being terribly busy but managing to find a little time for the client was apparently wasted, he returned to actually doing some sort of paperwork.  I let that drag on for a few moments before returning his 'shot across my bows' with a broadside of my own!

Without bothering to become visible in any way, I stated, “We need to talk.  Specifically, we need to discuss the fifteen year delayed payment of the Grumpeter Goat life insurance claim.”

He gave away that he knew exactly what I was talking about by his ghastly start and near choking before he managed to snap, “I have no idea what you are talking about!”

“Really?  Then your agent, or should I say accomplice, was lying to the nice police officer?  You know, the one who arrested him for trying to steal the original registered policy from the Hall of Records.  He said that he was just following his boss' orders.  HIS boss.  That would be YOU.”

Trying to shift the conversation to safer ground, he demanded, “At least have the courtesy to show yourself!”

That gave me an idea that was so mean and evil that I just had to do it!  I faded slowly into view, my glamor spell taking the form of a maggot and corruption leaking goat zombie!  

I love glamors.  They are such easy spells, once you get the hang of them.  And I have had YEARS of practice!

From his expression, Mister Stallheart (at least that is what his desk sign said) was not having the best of days!  Score another one for the 'evil goat'!

I reached into an apparently rotting saddlebag and produced my nice clean papers!  I laid them on the desk in front of Stallheart.  He recoiled from them as if they were deadly serpents.  From his point of view, maybe the serpents would have been preferable.

They were the copies of the policy with attached death notice, my death certificate, and the calculation of just how much they owed by trying to be cheapskates and not pay a goat.

Stallheart tried to gather them all into one of the files on his desk.  I placed a corrupted appearing but sturdy hoof on them.  “Those are MY copies.  If you need copies, I can make them for you.  Only five copper a page.  If you already have copies, then simply give mine back.”

Stallheart had to open the file to get some of my papers back out.  There, right on top, was THEIR copy of my death certificate.  There were other papers under it. Considerably more than just the policy.  More importantly it proved that the Grumpeter Goat file that he 'knew nothing about' was right there on his desk!  Even worse for him, it was the file that he had tried to sweep my copies into, meaning that he knew EXACTLY where it was.

With ill grace, he returned my papers, stating, “I thought that you were giving me those copies.”

The nice blank cover of the file turned bright red.  Truth testing spells are easy and quick to do. And VERY useful.  My grin appeared to be losing several teeth and some maggots seemed to be leaking out!  

I pointed to the red cover and and suggested, “Next time that you know that you are facing a being who knows Non Equine magic, lying is not a good idea.

“In two days, another 2,500 golden bits late penalty will be due and added to the balance owing and subject to interest.  I will not be back down from my cave in that time.  If you wish to discuss the payment or terms for payment, you will have to come to me.”

I took my papers and my leave. Corrupted appearance or not, I felt far cleaner after I left Stallheart's office.  I did not bother to remove the zombie glamor until I was well away from the offices of Canterlot Casualty and Life.  I resumed my usual town glamor as a handsome piebald black, brown and tan goat with full curl horns, just like I used to be before the little necromantic accident that killed me about fifteen years ago.

I wended my way through the “cosmopolitan downtown” of Ponyville and turned up Mane street. I figured that a nice big clover top burger with onion rings and a clotted cream milkshake would be just the ticket to clear the bad taste of dealing with Mister Stallheart.  

Caramel Treat's Sweets is a restaurant that is always good for what ails me.  Caramel Treat and her mate Fangrin are two of the finest werewolf ponies that a goat could hope to meet.  Their extremely heightened werewolf senses make them superb cooks.  Their waitress, Peanut Brittle is another treasure.  She is a true golden palomino, a rare color pattern among ponies.  She is also the reason that I don't hate all ponies, only most of them!

Peanut took in a badly burned goat with broken bones and nursed me back to health.  That was just after Caramel and Fangrin, in their wolf forms, rescued me from an anti goat mob fomented by the now defunct Celestian Church.

Such times are now thankfully behind us all.  Even more thankfully, the friendships formed back then are still strong.

Peanut saw me coming up the street and called, “Your usual, Grumpy?”

As I settled myself at an outdoor table, I replied, “Of course!  Am I so predictable as all that, Peanut?”

Flirting her tail playfully as she went in to deliver my order, she chirped, “Yes, you are!”

That settled, she began to industriously set up my tray.

Looking into the interior of the shop, usually only opened in bad or cold weather, I noticed a nanny with two kids at a table.  They appeared to be about as happy as a dying creature is when seeing vultures spiraling overhead.  Having a well developed  curiosity bump, I pointed to them and asked Peanut, “What is their story?”

Peanut explained,  “They are Graymak's family.  He was a really nice goat who helped us with our first Nightmare Night celebration and lots of them since.  He passed on about a month ago.  Canterlot Casualty and Life has been refusing to pay his insurance and his family are on really hard times.”  As she mentioned Canterlot Casualty and Life, Peanut's lovely snout wrinkled in disgust.  

She went on, “Caramel found out and she is feeding them for free.  I wish that we could do more.”

I paused in sucking on my milkshake.  Squinting my eyes in thought, I offered, “I can help. Find out what they need.  This evil old dead goat will pay it.  I will collect it back later from Canterlot Casualty and Life.”

Peanut actually gave me a hug and said, “Thanks, Grumpy.  I am sure that Nalit and the kids will appreciate your help.”

Werewolf hearing and other senses have to be experienced to be believed.  The lovely caramel tan colored pony that is Caramel Treat in her pony form came out and sat by me.  “I heard what you said, Grumpy.  Graymak and his friends were really important to me.  If you are going to take care of Nalit, this meal is on me.”

I shrugged.  “It is not a problem, Caramel.  Have them bring all of their receipts, bills and notices here.  I will pay  it all out of my funds.  I will give them a living stipend too, while this business of their life insurance is sorted out.”

Caramel nodded thoughtfully and asked, “Got any of your blank contract forms along, Grumpy? Perhaps we could, um, you know, sort of expedite the payment?”

I just had to grin at that one! A grin with fangs in it!  I do so love the flexibility of appearance that glamors allow me!  I stated, “Capital idea, Caramel!  It just so happens that I do!  I also have another claim that might get sort of folded into the contract!  Here, take a look at this.”

I fished out my old policy and and the sheet of figures on how much Canterlot Casualty and Life owed ME.

Whistling tunelessly, Caramel stared at the total due.  Then she offered, “You know, Grumpy, it could be really fun to put those scavengers in a corner where they had to pay EVERY outstanding claim HONESTLY.”  

I blinked about three times, stunned by the sheer beauty of the idea.  Recovering quickly, I fished out a blank contract and started to fill in the cover page!  I innocently pointed out, “I do have to be paid for this, you know, Caramel.  Would ten copper bits be too much?”

Caramel smiled, a wolf's tongue lolling out between fangs that normally had no place in a pony!  “I see, Grumpy!  That is the smallest sum that you can make exact change for your 10% refund, if the contract fails!  Somehow, I think that if Fangrin and I try REALLY hard, we can manage to raise the sum!”

Chuckling, she hoofed over a single silver bit, worth exactly ten copper bits.

I quickly filled in a results page that would have horrified the Canterlot Casualty and Life Board of Directors that sit in Canterlot if they had seen it.

I became aware that I was being watched by more than just Caramel.  The nanny, Nalit and her kids were watching in fascination too.  She bleated quietly, “How does something like this work?  I mean, it just looks like a simple contract to cause something that is totally out of our hooves to happen.”

I nodded cheerfully. “Completely correct, Nalit.  The fly in reality's ointment is that little thing called Non Equine Magic.  I won't go into detail about how it works or is done but the results spelled out here on the results page will appear to work out by entirely ordinary means no matter how bizarre those means wind up being.  Point is, that those 'ordinary means' will be guided by this contract to leave us with the results that we want.  Nothing flashy, just the world deciding to go OUR way, instead of THEIR way.”

Peanut interrupted to bring out my clover top burger, onion rings and seconds on my shake.  She also had the food for Nalit and brood.

Caramel looked over the results page and laughed out loud.  She also signed the contract on the spot! Chortling, she suggested, “Looks like you are going to have to go see Mol again today, Grumpy!”

That brought a most welcome spectator.  Coalsmoke's lovely voice asked, “Doing a contract here at Caramel's, Grumpy?  I thought that you only did your business up at your cave.  What is this, may I see?  It is going to be publicly registered, after all.”

I smiled with delight that was only partly due to the presence of Ponyville's most beautiful and smartest business mare.  “I would be delighted to have you look over this particular contract, Coalsmoke, my dear friend.  While you are at it, have whatever you want, on me.  Consider it a consultation fee.  I want to be sure that I have done this particular piece of business as well as I can.”

Coalsmoke turned her beautifully conformed head to Peanut and said, “You heard our favorite dead goat, Peanut.  I will have your surf and turf, with the clover steak done rare.  Put an asparagus salad on the side and I will have the honey apple cocktail, thank you, dear.”

Turning back to me she took the contract and her eye brows shot up in surprise.  “Only ten bits? You must really have it in for them!  Let's see who it is!”  

She flipped past the legal boiler plate first page and started to read the results page.  She put it down and chuckled deep in her throat.  “Don't change a thing, Grumpy!  I really want to see this one work out.  I used to use Canterlot Casualty and Life as a benefit for my workers.  When I found out how bad their payout policy was I dropped them like a rock.

“I got together with Ponyville Trust and Loan and we set up an honest insurance system for my workers.”

I picked up everything, folding and sorting the pages into three envelopes.  One, I tucked into my saddlebag for my files.  I gave the second to Caramel, who had paid for it and signed it.  

The last one I took with me as I bid my friends and company adieu.  “I must away to the registry! See you later!”

Coalsmoke held up a book, calling, “Catch you up at the cave, Grumpy!  I have the new Daring Do for our reading!”

With a spring in my step, I dashed back to the town hall and the Hall of Records.  Mol greeted me, “Goodness, Grumpy!  Your business must really be brisk today! In here TWICE?”

She took the envelope and opened it.  As fast as she saw the target of this contract, she beat me to paying the registry fee!  As she hoofed over the few bits, she commented, “This couldn't happen to a better company!  I can't wait to tell Vanner about this!”

Back up at my cave, I heard familiar voices.  Coalsmoke was speaking to somepony with a voice that was both soft and dream like.  I had to wonder what could have brought Princess Luna to my humble abode.  More to the point, I had wonder what happened to her usual squad of guards.

I kept the glamor of my handsome piebald black, brown, and tan goat self as I stepped up onto the ledge in front of my cave.  Princess Luna, Coalsmoke and the Litch King, Lord of the Dead, known to his few friends as Clarence were quietly chatting.  Luna's Royal Guards were sitting off to one end of the ledge and not even trying to be the officious, class conscious pack of clowns that they usually appear to be.

Luna cheerfully called out, “Grumpy!  I am playing hooky!  Lord Rockbottom's lawn party will have to do without me.  Thank whatever goodness there is for that. In over three thousand years, I have never attended any event more boring than one of Lord Rockbottom's lawn parties.”

I pretended to be stunned by the thought.  “You came here instead of going to one of Rockbottom's wonderful parties?  How astounding.”  It was an act.  A bad one.  I have been to ONE of Lord Rockbottom's lawn parties.  It was TWO too many.

The Guard Major, in charge of the squad and a veteran of Luna's service, spoke up with mild good humor, “Sir, we have all had his lawn parties inflicted on us.” He raised a hoof to point to the Princess.  “She threatened to make us go to his next one if we interfere with her visit to you.”

I grinned as I replied, “That is inhumane!  What did you do to bring out the Nightmare in Princess Luna?”

Clarence, sun glinting off the polished bones of his skeleton, observed cheerfully, “I believe that I know what I should do for Lord Rockbottom's eternity!  I could inflict an unending lawn party of his own devising on him!”

Princess Luna recoiled and stated, “Clarence!  That would be utterly inhumane!  And totally appropriate!”  She smiled, saber toothed fangs showing in her otherwise perfect face.  “May I suggest a guest list, Clarence?”

He tapped his bare front teeth with a bony hoof and pretended to consider the possibility.  “That depends, Luna, my dear.  Are you sure that you hate all of them that much?”

Coalsmoke, ever the truly practical one, pointed out, “While you are considering that, I have Daring Do and the Adventure of the Singing Sands.  We can listen to Grumpy's reading and be serene in the knowledge that WE are NOT at Lord Rockbottom's!”

We were just settling ourselves for reading when Coalsmoke noticed a pony, tiny in the distance, struggling up the trail to my cave.  Only grumping a little, the whole entourage trooped into my cave and went on into the back room, closing its iron sheet covered door behind them.  

They knew that even though my contracts are publicly registered, many of my clients are quite shy about being seen dealing with the evil dead goat.  Got to admit, they mostly do have good reasons for the secrecy.  I mean, nearly all of them are trying to cause some sort of meanness or evil for other ponies and don't want to be known as the one responsible.  If they stay secret, they can (and do) blame the “evil goat up on the mountain.”

That bothers me not at all. Some of my best friends are ponies, in spite of which, I have an overall detestation of ponies in general.  Helping them along the path to an unhappy meeting with Clarence (Lord of the Dead, remember?) and getting well paid for it does not bother me at all. If ponies had been a bit nicer years ago, I would not be dead now.  I would also be a lot poorer.

I first raised the Lord of the Dead to gain revenge on ponykind after the afore mentioned mob caused me to hate ponies in general.  He and I did make a bargain in regards to my revenge.  There were two flaws in what I did.  One was a printer's error in the gramarye that I used.  The second was that the Lord of the Dead turned out to have a sense of humor.

After I summoned him to make a zombie to rampage among those that wronged me, he advised me not to, pointing out the problems with the idea.  He suggested that I have him create an invisible spirit body, controlled by my will alone.  On the face of it, it was good advice, so I took it.

The printer's mistake with the pentacles let him take MY body and leave my mind in charge of the invisible spirit body!  He left me my skull, neatly aged looking, to wear like a hat for letting others know where I am, unless I take it off, that is.

It has worked out really well, actually.  Clarence and I are now friends.  He comes and goes freely in my cave.

Back to the unpleasant present. Stepping up onto the ledge in front of my cave was none other than Mister Stallheart, of Canterlot Casualty and Life.

I smiled at him as I inquired, “Mister Stallheart!  Do you have money for me or perhaps a payment plan?  I am willing to accept either one.  A payment plan with a reasonable interest rate would be most welcome!”

He stared down his prominent nose at the apparently ordinary goat speaking to him and replied distastefully, “I have a simple settlement agreement for your signature, Mister Goat.”

I nodded.  I am well used to ponies who look down on me because I am a goat.  Their disdain is returned with a side helping of disgust at their meanness.  Still, gold is gold.

I gestured at my steel fronted cave entrance with its siege rated door.  “Do come in, Mister Stallheart.  I do all of my business inside, away from prying eyes.”

Without waiting to see if he was following, I trotted in and took my ease in the only easy chair in the front room of my cave.  I reached over and lifted my skull with its everburning candle between the horns and glamors of glowing snake-like eyes and big fangs from its stand.  I settled it onto my spirit body, replacing my apparent head.

The smooth talking dark blue unicorn with the pale purple mane and tail sat on my carpet and opened his briefcase.  He smiled, but not with his eyes.  “Now, Mister Goat, I just need you to sign this simple settlement paper here.”

He proffered a pen and sheet that was folded back so that only the signature line showed.

Since I already had a glamor spell on my invisible spirit body to appear as the handsome piebald black, tan and brown goat that I used to be, except for my skull, I reached out a hoof and snagged the whole sheet off the top of his case and unfolded it.

Rattling the largely blank page in front of his eyes, I pointed out, “This is NOT a settlement of my claim!  It is a quitclaim on my policy and, in violation of Crowns Law, there is blank space above the signature line.

“That practice was made illegal after sharpers like you conned ponies and others into signing documents and then later filling in ruinous terms that were not there at signing.”

He snapped, “A quitclaim IS a settlement!  We will let you off from fraud charges if and only if you sign the quitclaim!

“You cannot sit there in front of me, living and breathing, and pretend to be dead!”

I snickered.  “Totally wrong, Sir!  I am absolutely deceased!  I only breathe when I talk.  That is only for appearances and can be dispensed with.  The fact of my death has been proved in both the local and Kingdom courts.

“As you are well aware, my death certificate is formally registered in the Ponyville Hall of Records.  It is irregular in one regard.  The Signing Physician, who also put her seal to the document is none other than Princess Luna herself.”

He snapped, “Canterlot Casualty and Life rejects that document as fraudulent!”

I raised my eyebrows at that. “Really?  Well, as this quitclaim demonstrates, you are experts where fraud is concerned!  The Royal Seals cannot be counterfeited. Besides my death certificate there are five rulings by both the local and Kingdom courts.”

“Name one case to prove that insanity!”

I promptly returned, “The case was decided under the Royal Wing, from which there is no possible appeal.  It is Ponyville Medical Society vs. Grupeter Goat.  

“The basis of the case was the Ponyville Medical Society refusing to pay a slander and libel settlement to me.  Their grounds were that since I was dead, by my own admission, that any payment had to be made to the executor of my estate, not to me.

“The joint ruling of the Princesses was that the Edict of Equality applied to me.  As a still conscious and reasoning being, I remain not only a citizen but am the lawful executor and sole owner of my estate.

“Both Princesses also agreed that the Edict of Equality and Equestrian Citizenship do apply to all deceased individuals whether they be ghosts, vampires, zombies or any other undead being if they retain consciousness and the ability to reason.

“The issuance of my Royally sealed Death Certificate was a part of that case.  It so states on it in the actual horn writing of Princess Luna herself.  That is why I picked that particular case.  You have a copy of the certificate and connected case, I saw them when you tried to swipe my copy of the insurance policy.”

Just at that moment, we heard the creaking of hinges.  The door to the back room of my cave opened. Princess Luna and her guards entered, quietly filling the front room and securing the only door to the outside and escape!

Mildly, she said, “Your pardon for the interruption, Grumpy.  The reason that I am here and this business of yours that I could not help but overhear are connected. Lord Rockbottom, whose lawn party I am dodging, is the CEO of Canterlot Casualty and Life.

“Do you know of any other problem payouts that they have had?”

I nodded.  “Two others, your Highness.  The pony Brownie, a brother of Mol, at the Ponyville Hall of Records, was killed in a carting accident.  Payment was offered at one half of face value with the claim that the accident was a suicide.  They had to sue.  When they did, they got an order for double indemnity because of the accident.  Their payment was slow in coming after the court order.

“The other is Graymak the goat, a friend of Caramel Treat.  His widow Nalit and their kids are on hard times due to the slow payment of the policy death benefit.  I have paid their bills and given them a living stipend out of my own pocket.”

That was too much for Stallheart!  “You what!?  We were holding back on him to be sure that he wasn't murdered!  He died under unexplained circumstances!”

I nodded and said sarcastically, “RIIIGHT.  He spent his last week in Ponyville General Horsepital with a terminal cancer.  His death was attended by his physician, his family and Reverend Smallflower.  Which one of them is the murder suspect?  Why did you fail in your legal duty to notify the Ponyville authorities of your suspicions?”

Princess Luna was watching and listening with interest.  

Stallheart snapped, “You screwed up the foreclosure on the Graymak house and land!  That is a valuable property that no mere goats have any right to!”

I pounced on that!  “Really?   Bleatin' Hallow was the worst land in the Ponyville area.  Ponies ignored it for nearly seventy years.  It was only after the goats moved in and put a lot of work into the land that it became worth anything.  Now it is too good for mere goats?  What kind of scavenger are you?”

He growled back, “This ain't got nothing to do with why I am here.  Just sign off the quitclaim or get sued for claiming to be dead.  Those are your only choices!”

I just smiled serenely as I hoofed over the quitclaim paper to Princess Luna.  “Here, my dear Princess, is what he wants me to sign.  Could you perhaps educate him on just how deep the cesspool is that he just jumped into?”

She took one look at the sheet and demonstrated that she had learned a great deal in her three thousand years.  “Major Lightning, please formally detain Mister Stallheart for multiple violations of Crowns Law.

“This altercation has just become a case under the Royal Wing.  Not only have I personally heard violations of the Edict of Equality, I have been presented with a PRINTED contract form from Canterlot Casualty and Life that is in blatant violation of Equestrian Business Law.  I have heard what appears to be a criminal conspiracy to deprive the beneficiaries of policy holders of both their proper disbursements and to further victimize the beneficiaries through improper seizure of homes and land.”

Stallheart struggled against being put into restraints but to no avail.  There were more guards than he could resist and they were stronger, too. The Royal Guard might be made up of petty nobles, but they are first and foremost, a well trained military unit.

That he was not thinking too clearly became evident in mere seconds!  “If this is going to be a trial under the Royal Wing, I demand that Celestia hear the case too!”

Luna grinned in delight!  Pulling out a Magic Net mirror, she tapped a few well practiced codes.  As soon as Celestia showed in the mirror, Luna began, “Tia!  Guess what?  I have got you out of Lord Rockbottom's lawn party!  We have a demand for both of us to hear a case under the Royal Wing.  

“Be sure to let Lord Rockbottom know that the case dragging you away from his excellent entertainment is due to his Ponyville Branch Manager, Mister Stallheart.  It appears that he may have involved the company in some minor transgressions.

“One more thing, be sure to stop by the kitchens and pick up the ingredients for Grumpy's clovertop scramble.  Enough for about fifteen.  

“See you soon, Sis.”

Stallheart was aghast.  “You just blackened my name with the CEO of Canterlot Casualty and Life!  How could you?”

Mildly, Luna replied, “So far, you have violated the Edict of Equality in my hearing.  You have stated that those who developed Bleatin' Hallow from a worthless waste to some of the richest farmland in the area have no right to it.

“In addition, you have stated that a Death Certificate that I personally filled out and sealed was fraudulent.  I assure you that it is not. Grumpeter Goat's death was the accidental result of a misprint in the book that he was using as a guide to his Working.”

Stallheart slumped.  “OK, we will pay him the million golden bits that he is after.  No need for all the rest of this.  The big thing is gonna be taken care of.”

At the word “ACCIDENTAL” Coalsmoke's ears pricked up!

Coalsmoke suggested, “Perhaps Her Highness would like to look over your old policy, Grumpy.”

Shrugging, I hoofed it over to Princess Luna.  As she flipped through the pages, she frowned.  She set the policy down and pulled out a big circular sliding rule.  Consulting the policy, she began flipping the sliding rings and the hairline about with the ease of long practice.  

Putting down the policy and the calculator, she said,  “Canterlot Casualty and Life does not owe you any million golden bits, Grumpy.”

Stallheart curled his lip and sneered, “Been trying to tell him that since I got here!   Thanks for confirming it, Princess.”

She looked at him as if he was a lump of sludge that learned to speak.  “He was trying to cheat you even here at the last, Grumpy.  They owe you about FIVE and a quarter million golden bits.  Your death was ruled an ACCIDENT.  Double indemnity applies.  Just amazing how it grows when the starting sum is TEN thousand instead of five thousand.”

I was simply stunned.  

I turned on Stallheart and replied to his earlier attempt to weasel out of this, “Right.  We can just forget about all those other policies that that you are cheating on, even to the point of getting the beneficiaries evicted from their homes before you pay them a dime. Not likely.”

In the uncomfortable silence that followed, Stallheart looked like he might want to hide under the carpet or somewhere else inconspicuous.

It was just then that there came a gentle knock at my very solid steel front door.  Luna opened it eagerly.  She hugged her sister, exclaiming, “Celestia!  It is so good to see you!  This will be a fun one!  Before we can reach a complete verdict, we are going to have to do total audits of both Canterlot Casualty and Life AND Equestrian National Bank!  We are going to be free of the Court stuffed shirts for at least a week!”

Celestia snickered, “Thanks for the rescue, Luna.  There is only one thing wrong with what you just said. If we are going to be doing a Royal Wing audit of BOTH Canterlot Casualty and Life and Equestrian National Bank, how much do you want to bet that we are going to be horn deep in nobles trying to find ways to stop it?  An awful lot of them are heavily invested in one or both of those companies.”

Coalsmoke grinned and replied, “Simple really.  Just let it be known that you are looking for some financial wrongdoing by an interlocked cadre of executives in both institutions.  Don't say WHAT the wrongdoing is, just that ANY attempt to interfere with your audit will be regarded as complicity and result in financial responsibility by the shareholders involved.  That should keep them away from the investigation in droves!

“For now, simply require Canterlot Casualty and Life to make insurance payments to beneficiaries promptly and freeze the ability of the Bank to foreclose any properties Kingdom wide, until you directly approve them.”

Luna smiled serenely as she agreed, “We have just been given business advice by one of Equestria's best business mares.  I think that we should take it.”

Celestia nodded.  “Anything else that we should do, Coalsmoke?”

The lovely pure black mare batted her eyelashes at me as she pointed to me. “Him.  Buy a customized truth testing spell from Grumpy, along with the questions that you need to ask of it.  I have several of them myself.  Great time savers.  You can't believe how quickly you start to get honest answers purely by habit when the liars themselves turn ghastly colors according to the degree of the lies that they try to tell you.”

The twins chuckled.  I volunteered, “I do have to be paid for the magic to work . . .”

Stallheart interrupted, “That's a greedy goat for you!  He never does anything for less than a hundred gold!  You are about to be robbed blind!”

I waited him out and went on, “Think that the Equestrian National Treasury can swing ten whole copper bits?  We can discuss the exact contract terms over the clover bloom scramble.  When we have the contract ready, one of the guards can fly it down to the Registry in the morning.  Mol will have closed up and gone home by now.”

Guard Major Lightning spoke up thoughtfully, “We could put Mister Stallheart in a transport net and remove him to the Ponyville Jail as a Royal Prisoner.  No point in having him here to listen to all that will be discussed regarding his company and the bank.”

“Well thought on, Major,” Luna replied.  She paused to write and seal a note.  “Deliver this along with the prisoner.  Judge Coldheart needs to be aware of the terms under which he is being held.”

The guards efficiently wrapped Stallheart in the transport net and carried him out, the sound their wings fading in the distance.

The next morning, after a quiet breakfast, Princesses Celestia and Luna, accompanied by their guard, took off from my ledge.  Watching them glide down toward Ponyville in perfect formation was an impressive sight.

Coalsmoke and I trotted down the trail, she to return to her many business interests and I to register the truth spell contract.  I was chuckling at the idea of so many business ponies in the Equestrian National Bank and Canterlot Casualty and Life turning interesting textures and shades of amusing colors while trying to lie their way out this mess!

We parted company with the agreement to meet for lunch at Caramel Treat's.  

As I trotted serenely along Ponyville's well shaded streets I noticed genuine proof that some ponies can actually learn from past errors! Several unicorns that I remembered from the days when they were Celestian Church bullies were quietly crossing the street to avoid any risk of meeting me . . . again!  Those “superior” unicorns had provided the public of Ponyville with many amusing mishaps by running afoul of my simple and non lethal defensive spells back during the days of the “Celestian Church”.

My little glamored hooves that really aren't there pattered on the nice carpet runners of the Ponyville town hall as I turned into the Hall of Records.  Mol looked at my happy smile and snickered, “A smile like that on you bodes no good for somepony!  What is happening now?”

I just hoofed over the contracts and said, “Read them for yourself, my lovely young accomplice in justice.”

Mol was chuckling as she picked up the contracts.  “With you Grumpy, those two words usually go together as one word.  INJUSTICE!”

Her eyes caught the twin Royal Seals, along with the Seal of their mother, Skyglow, titular Queen of Equestria.  Suddenly, Mol became all business, very carefully documenting the contracts.  Looking up from her work, she asked seriously, “Why would their Highnesses need customized truth spells?”

My tail was happily flipping about so fast that I almost thought that I should be flying as I replied, “They were requested to do a trial under the Royal Wing!  As preparation for the trial, they are doing a TOTAL AUDIT of both Canterlot Casualty and Life and the Equestrian National Bank.  

“Besides that, their Highnesses have given both institutions Royal Orders to make immediate payment of insurance claims in full and to cease all foreclosures unless specifically and individually approved by both Celestia and Luna.”

Mol brightened up and suggested, “Perhaps you ought to suggest to their Highnesses that they extend their inquiry here to the Hall of Records.  All foreclosures, insurance claims and payments have to be registered.”

“Mol, my sweet and lovely young mare, would you honor me by joining Coalsmoke and I for lunch at Caramel Treat's?”

Shortly, I was at the front door of Canterlot Casualty and Life.  My way was blocked by a Royal Guard at first.  “No pony or other is allowed in, sir.  There is a Royal Audit in progress.”

“I know that, Sargent Cirrus.  Please convey to their Highnesses that Grumpy Goat has a suggestion for further inquiry about the matters in question.”

To my surprise, he replied courteously, “Please wait here, sir.  I shall relay your message.”  He called a replacement to stand guard while he did just that.  In only a few moments, he escorted me back to Stallheart's office, where Princess Luna was plowing her way through a stack of documents.  She looked up and smiled.

“Hi, Grumpy!  What have you got for me?”

“Two things, Princess.  First, your truth spells are now registered and active.  Second, Mol, down at the Hall of Records, suggested that you double check what you find here with the registry because insurance claims, payments, foreclosures and other title changes need to be registered.”

“I see. I am going to pass that along to Celestia.  She is handling the Equestrian National audit.  I am sure that she will find the notion as useful as I will.  

“Now, I am really busy.”  She looked up from her papers with a grin and added, “But not too busy to snag lunch from Caramel Treat's!  See you there in about an hour, Grumpy!”

Coming out of the Canterlot Casualty and Life office, I ran into a lovely green mare with lighter green mane and tail.  She had her camera along and was getting pictures of the closed office with Royal Guards standing sentry duty at the doors.

I greeted her, “Hi, Romane!  If you want the best story on this and the Equestrian National being shut too, come on up to Caramel Treat's with me.  Princess Luna will be heading up there in about an hour to get lunch.  She is handling the Canterlot Casualty and Life side of the case.”

As we trotted up Mane Street toward Caramel Treat's Sweets, Romane asked, “What exactly is happening, Grumpy?  You seem to be in the middle of it, whatever it is.”

I snickered as I replied, “I was just the pebble that set off the landslide. You are aware that I am dead, right?  Have been for fifteen years now, correct?”

Romane nodded.  “You even have a death certificate signed and sealed by Princess Luna.  I remember the trial when you sued the Ponyville Medical Society.  Princess Luna even went to the trouble to get your exact date and time of death from the Litch King.”

“Well, it turned out that Canterlot Casualty and Life knew it too.  They convinced me that paying off my house ended the policy.  Thing is, it had a β5000 death benefit too.  They have been ignoring that for the last fifteen years.  With interest and penalties, it has grown to a tidy sum.

“They realized that the last copy of the policy that was not in their records was in the Hall of Records.  Mol caught them red hoofed trying to steal it.

“That and a few other shenanigans turned up a host of irregularities.  Seems that Equestrian National is tied up solidly in the mess, too.  There was a demand by one of the ringleaders for a trial under the Royal Wing.

“That has led to the present audits of both institutions as the Princesses gather their evidence.”

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG131 /o/

- More about that lower but: yes, I’m worried about Basira too, but probably not for the reasons highlighted by Melanie. In fact, learning that Helen has been around since The Flesh’s attack, and had been quite benevolent towards the assistants… adds another layer to Basira and Elias’s exchange when she visited him in prison at his request:

(MAG127) BASIRA: Can we cut the bullshit? ELIAS: What “bullshit” might that be? BASIRA: The part where you pretend you don’t spend your whole time watching us. […] ELIAS: I believe you’ve recently lost Melanie. BASIRA: … We saved Melanie. ELIAS: As a person, yes, but as a defender… I would have thought you would want all the help you could get, or… have you forgotten what happened last time you lay your guard down? BASIRA: … We’ll work it out. ELIAS: Possibly. Then again: you are beset by enemies on all sides, Basira. And unless you expect Jon to record them into submission, it would seem you’re in rather dire need of another option.

Basira might not trust Helen as much as Melanie does nor perceive her as… absolutely reliable, but the point is: the archival assistants already had another option! Helen had just proved that she was the perfect “defender”, able to trap an enemy in her corridors – and she had helped Jon escape in MAG101 through her door! If she’s indeed on their side, she’s the best option they could dream of, able to trap, to protect and to transport alike! And Basira mentioned none of it to Elias and rolled with the conversation as if Helen wasn’t with them.

Melanie and Jon were quite clearly in the tunnels when Melanie led him to Helen’s door (Jon mentioned that he had been “down there”, the sound effect was the usual tunnels sound); Melanie had not mentioned Helen while in the Archives themselves; assuming Jared didn’t actually mean “Helen’s corridors” when he said “tunnels”, he was actually in the tunnels as well when he was trapped by her (MAG131: “Didn’t know about those tunnels or wherever this place is […]. I got… scared. So I ran. I ran through the first door I found.”). If Melanie, Basira (and potentially Martin) never mentioned Helen while outside of the tunnels, and if Jon’s assumption from season 3 is indeed right and that Elias can’t spy on them when they’re in the tunnels… then it’s possible that Elias just plainly isn’t aware of Helen’s intervention and probably assumed that Melanie had butchered Jared herself below the Archives.

The Elias-Basira conversation began with a I-Know-What-You’re-Doing from Elias (greeting her with “Detective”); Basira told him as least as possible throughout their exchange. It was actually her police questioning! She was evaluating what he knew, while fully aware that they had another card in their sleeve! It… doesn’t mean that Elias can’t possibly know anything about Helen one way or another, but it means that Basira was trying to outwit him when she didn’t mention Helen and accepted to listen to his “other option” instead – and even if she happened to leave in order to follow his leads since the end of MAG128… she entered the manipulation game with him by withholding information, too.

(;; And it could be a verrrry dangerous move for Basira: is Elias a complete idiot who just happens to have the right powers to hurt when he needs to (hence Martin managing to take him down), or is he actually a bit more in control of what is happening everywhere (did Martin’s plan actually put Elias exactly where he wanted to be in the first place?)…)

- Okay, new Big Mystery dropped this week is… Who requested the Flesh attack against the Archives and sent Jared after Jon? They began to send letters “about two years ago” (so around December 2015 / March 2016, depending if Jared’s point of reference is the current day or the moment he was trapped in the corridor), when Jon was beginning as Head Archivist; the letters were “good white paper, large print”; the person sending them was able to tell where Jared was at any given time (“I dunno how they kept finding me”); usually only contained “a name and a place or a time”; always led Jared towards something/someone who would be interesting to him (“they always led to summat good. Quality bones, a new mate, or some unlucky fool who wouldn’t look at me for the fear.” – how do you tell that someone has “good bones”………………..?). They sent Jared to the Archives while Jon was four months into his coma, and Jon was the Official target (“And you wanted to kill… me, specifically?” “Still do. […] Then I got one about your lot, your Archives. Told me to go there and kill you. They even sent a picture. […] You weren’t there, which was sad, but it made it easier.”). I’m personally considering three main suspects:

* Adelard Dekker, because I really want to know more about him, and because I Know My Luck about characters I find potentially sympathetic in this series, gdi :|| (He knew Gertrude for long and managed to survive, that means he’s probably fishy, if he’s still alive/not-dead in the first place.)

* Elias because he would know where to find (/See) someone at all times, and because… listen… the IRONY of “the pipes… they were wide enough for me and a few friends to squeeze through” (=> “[EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PIPE MURDER]”) + the first time we ever heard Elias speaking was in MAG017, the first statement Jon read that mentioned The Boneturner, and Elias interrupted precisely when the statement was describing Jared (and it was in end of February/beginning of March 2016, during the Prentiss siege, which means two years ago). Elias isn’t, overall, renowned for his subtlety, so it could fit.

* The Web, more specifically Annabelle Cane, since the Chelicerae was already active when the letters began to be sent, her first email to Gregory Cox also used big letters (MAG123: “something in it caused the font to appear incredibly large”), and she was requesting names to be inserted into the website’s code (“Meaningless strings of words, or weird little fragments of poetry, or a name, different every time, repeated over and over again, hundreds of times.”) and getting potential targets here and there through people’s stories. It’s about information and getting people to do what you need them to do; plus, Jared was indifferent at first and then got ~curious~ (“but they kept coming, and eventually I got curious. So, I followed the instructions in one of ‘em.”), which couuuld sound like… a retrospective rationalisation after the Web pulled a string to make you go somewhere.

The straightforward meaning of the attack was that Jon was the official target: does it mean that the Mysterious Sender didn’t know that Jon was currently away from the Institute and in a coma? Or was it a deliberate red herring, because they wanted Jon to think that he had been the target when he’d come back, while their intentions had laid somewhere else? Was it to see whether Jon would react and wake up if the assistants were in danger? Was it to get the assistants… exactly where they ended up going – Melanie falling deeper into her anger; Basira becoming colder and more pragmatic; Martin growing more desperate and finally accepting Peter Lukas’s offer? Or… it’s still a bit strange that Jon himself was never attacked in hospital, even though at least two Fears got involved in the end to visit him (the Web sent The End’s Oliver in MAG121) so… another option I’m considering, I don’t know: was Jared sent to the Institute because the Mysterious Sender wanted to find Jon and Jon was hidden from the other powers until then? Martin’s visit from the teaser was apparently shortly after the attack (since he received a phone call and agreed to an offer, and Basira mentioned that Martin was working closely with Peter after the Flesh invasion); could it be possible that Martin unknowingly led The Web to where Jon was resting, when he visited him…?

- So I have trouble picturing Jon and Melanie become Official Friends, ever, but GOSH, technically, Melanie already didn’t have High Standards for friendships/people she could ask for help, and had called herself out on that matter (+ she explicitly said that she had nobody to turn to, in MAG084, and confirmed it again with Elias in MAG106):

(MAG063) MELANIE: […] And you’re basically the closest thing I’ve got to a friend here. ARCHIVIST: We’ve spoken once and we ended up screaming at each other. MELANIE: Yes! And that’s more than I have with anyone else here.

F R I E N S H I P… And now, they’re somehow friendlier and… yeah, sort of friends. Kinda. Sorry for the both of you. Sorry for you, Melanie, I KNOW YOU’RE A SWEET BEAN UNDER ALL THAT ANGER, but seriously, come on. You’re currently adopting Jon as one of your friends, look at yourself:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I mean, you’d think I’d have a better idea how to do it. All these… all these statements and… [SMALL LAUGH] You know who I need? I need the Boneturner. [SIGHS] Just reach in and grab a rib. Job done. MELANIE: … ARCHIVIST: What? … Melanie? MELANIE: Come with me. [CLICK.] […] ARCHIVIST: Oh, er… Er, pass the recorder? MELANIE: Seriously? Fine. [RECORDER IS PASSED TO THE ARCHIVIST] […] ARCHIVIST: No. No, now I am going for a lie down. That was… that was not what I expected. MELANIE: Come on, you can use Basira’s cot.

All these small gestures that mean so much!! She admitted that he had done the ““right”” thing, she brought him to Helen – knowingly doing something that Basira didn’t want, choosing to help Jon and to talk to Helen when Jon didn’t want to knock! She stared/judged but she did hand over the tape recorder! She went to check on Jon’s corpse unconscious body! She led him towards somewhere he could rest! She even offered to chop his finger off herself at the beginning! Melanie!! You got yourself a friend!!

At least, they’re allies, but Melanie is kinda becoming Jon’s slightly vitriolic friend, and I’m LIVING. Jon has a knack for surrounding himself and being in good terms with people who call him out and are able to be mean towards him, uh?

- I think that one of the most significant things about Melanie being a bit more herself (not being only the anger) was her… willingness to talk and share what she discovered, what happened, what she’s thinking and doing? Because it used to be one of her main characteristics, even (especially!) with Jon: she didn’t like him much as a person, but they were able to chat and exchange and to hold discussions about her adventures. There were many similarities between them – which miiiight have been one of the reasons why Elias hired her, too, since she was obsessed with finding out the truth about what she had noticed (even if it would hurt her in the process), though it could also be some Beholding magic (making her crave pouring out her experience to The Archivist?):

(MAG076) ARCHIVIST: Well, this “pompous ass” has some very urgent work to do, so if your statement is just going to be insults, you can go back to the damn library. MELANIE: It’s not. Look, I… I think I’ve found something. […] So, can I make my statement now? […] You know this obsession even better than I do. I just wanted to make my statement… ARCHIVIST: In case you get murdered by ghosts. MELANIE: Yes. ARCHIVIST: I understand. Thank you, Melanie.

(MAG084) MELANIE: […] I don’t know why, but… I just, I just felt that perhaps coming here might help. And talking things out with Jon. I mean, I mean he’s awful, but at least he listens, you know?

(MAG086) MELANIE: You know what? Fine. Fine! But you tell me everything. Okay? Everything. ARCHIVIST: I mean… you, you won’t believe it. MELANIE: I don’t care. ARCHIVIST: Alright. Alright. MELANIE: Start with Sasha. ARCHIVIST: … Okay. [CLICK.]

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Basira said you were doing better. MELANIE: Would you just– stop?! ARCHIVIST: No– Right, no– […] M–Melanie, it, it– MELANIE: Don’t tell me to calm down! Don’t you dare–! […] Oh, just stop! Just stop and– listen. ARCHIVIST: Okay.

During season 3, she repeatedly refused to tell Jon her story from India (in MAG086, and she gloated about it in MAG113), and only shared it in MAG117, in her testament. Now, she’s going back to telling herself to Jon; to being able to take a step back and explain her own reasoning, her own ways of functioning.

- I’m love Melanie so much… so, so much… (And Lydia’s voice. GOSH. Even if some frustration remained, you could clearly hear the difference between Melanie-with-the-bullet and Melanie-without: her voice had something… softer? Less frantic? that seeped into you like a wave and surrounded you, instead of just cutting right in like a rusted knife, like in MAG125.)

I love Melanie’s self-awareness! I love that she’s able to be mad, to feel hurt, to know that her pain is legitimate, but also to admit:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I was trying to save your life. MELANIE: Yes…! Well, you did! ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: I think. But I also… you know… see your face now, when I wake up screaming. I feel you digging into my leg. Chalk it up as a win for Team Archive, I guess! ARCHIVIST: I wanted to ask you! MELANIE: And if you had, we wouldn’t be talking right now. I’d have said no, and I’d probably have hurt you. Basira was right. The only way to do it was to completely betray my trust and destroy any remaining sense of safety. So, yes! Thank you. ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Yeah. I, I’m… I’m surprised you can stand to see either of us. MELANIE: Who else is there? I mean, Basira is… [CHUCKLE], she’s been the only one for a long time, and, yes!, I sort of maybe hate her now! ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: I don’t know! I can’t… look at her without my leg hurting, but what else am I going to do. I don’t want to be on my own, and I’m stuck here. So… […] I’m not dying and I don’t… want to kill you, it’s, it’s…! [SHARP EXHALE] It’s just different. Yes, it’s… sort of better, m–maybe, but I–I can’t…

I love that it was her who explained to us what was happening to her – who explained to Jon that he misunderstood! And she directly echoed (and answered?) one of Jon’s questions about The Slaughter!!

(MAG125) ARCHIVIST: In many ways, The Slaughter fascinates me. There seems to be, in all cases, a question at its heart about… control. Is it a mindless dance, dragging participants along by the beat of a drum or… is there a kernel of will in there, a lucidity and deliberateness to the random fury and violence? I suppose that’s the question with so much of “violence”, “war”: how much are you really in command of yourself or of others? I’m not sure what scares me more: the idea that deep down, everyone is in complete control of their actions, that everything is, on some level, intentional; or that ultimately, we don’t have any control of ourselves at all, and the rest is just… rationalisation.

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: A–at least, it’s out! … Maybe… maybe it’s enough to start healing, start… letting go of the anger. MELANIE: Oh, just stop! Just stop and– listen. ARCHIVIST: Okay. MELANIE: Yes, the, the bullet was bad, right. But it didn’t make me angry. Anger is… Anger’s been all I’ve had for a long time. Years. Maybe since– oh, I, I don’t know, but…! Everything I’ve done, everything I’ve pushed for, was because I was angry! Angry of being past over, being disrespected, ignored… that sort of anger, it, it powers you! … Right until it slips out, and hurts someone. I – hurt someone. And then, one day, I suddenly have this thing that takes all that rage, and it holds it. Tells me it’s right. That it’s me. It didn’t stay in my leg because of some Ghostly Masterplan; it stayed… because I wanted it.

I love the broad idea behind Melanie’s own situation – that anger is a force, that anger can push you through hardships, can help you survive, but that in the end, if there is only anger, it will turn sour and (self-)destructive and wreck you in the process! I love her moments of self-affirmation, how she reclaimed her experience, reminded Jon that she was her own person with her own story, her own feelings, her own perception of events. She had already mentioned her anger in her testament:

(MAG117) MELANIE: […] “Hope” isn’t really good for anything. It’s always been action, with me; it’s, it’s been doing things that helps. I’ve never really seen the point of “hope”. […] I… I’m so angry, just… sometimes, when Jon’s going off on one about his latest insight, it’s all I can do not to punch him in the teeth. I feel like I’ve always been fighting. No one makes space for people like me, you’ve got to… elbow the comfortable idiots out of the way, and then claw your way up with gritted teeth; I’ve had to struggle for everything! […] Elias thinks he’s got this ingenious way to hurt people, but it’s just the same old bullshit in a creepy new package. … Asshole… God! I just want to rip his…! [BREATHES] When did I… start to lose the parts of me that weren’t just anger…?

… And I hate how, dumdumdum, Elias is actually… a pretty good judge of character (except when it comes to Martin). He had described Tim as “Disruption. An unpredictable, angry man with nothing left but the desire to feel in some way revenged.” (MAG104) and had reaaally insisted over the fact that Tim would be a “rogue element” (MAG116), something that could derail the mission to stop The Unknowing… and Tim indeed ended up arguing with Jon at the wrong time, and maybe they missed the few seconds that could have allowed them to escape. As for Melanie, Elias had said:

(MAG106) ELIAS: […] I wish I knew the words that would make you believe me. […] You already have doubts, though. You've been talking with Tim, and have convinced yourself that– MELANIE: [DRY LAUGHTER] ELIAS: –even if I'm telling the truth, I'm too dangerous to live. MELANIE: Well. ELIAS: Whatever I’m planning needs to be stopped! Even if it costs a few lives. Including your own. MELANIE: Well, that’s not even– ELIAS: A rationalisation, of course. A lie, about your own selfishness, that you would rather be dead than trapped without the self-determination you prize so highly. I wish I knew the words to convince you it’s for the best. [SILENCE] MELANIE: Are we done? ELIAS: … It’s too deep. I can see almost anything I care to– MELANIE: ‘f course. ELIAS: –weave knowledge from someone’s mind, or place it there– MELANIE: Sure. ELIAS: –but I just cannot change the– MELANIE: Mm-mm. ELIAS: –nature of a person. And I am struggling to think of what could rid you of this misguided rage.

Sounds like Fucker was quite right about Melanie in the end? :||

I… do like that even though he wasn’t mentioned at all in this episode, it puts me in mind of Tim at many moments, mostly in the way Melanie seems like she’s able to go… past her terrible experiences in a way Tim wasn’t able to, because she’s capable of self-reflection and of considering other people’s actions. Tim shaped himself around his own anger, around his own bitterness – it ate him up: angry resignation at the end of season 2, depression at the beginning of season 3, before he found a drive again and… only saw a future in which he would die trying to stop The Unknowing.

(MAG116) ARCHIVIST: Do you– … Are you going to keep it together? TIM: […] I’m not gonna give us away. I want this to work. ARCHIVIST: Thank you. TIM: But I don’t think it will. So. I’m gonna take that axe of yours, and… when it all goes wrong, I’m going down swinging. And when I do, you better take the chance and stay out of my way.

(MAG117) TIM: … I’m gonna hurt them, though. I’m gonna hurt the things that stole my brother and wrecked my life. […] I know what it means! They gave it to me because they think I’ll get angry and do something stupid anyway. And they’re probably right. So maybe it’s for the best. […] From what I can tell, there’s only one person who’s ever managed to hurt them, to reaaally hurt them. And that’s Gertrude Robinson. She was cold, ruthless, and she hit them when they were vulnerable, and she sacrificed a lot of people to do it. Honestly? I hope that Jon learned something from her, because… because I don’t expect I’m going to be coming back from this. I don’t know if I want to. And if he needs to pull the trigger, to use me to stop it, well, he better have the guts to do it. Timothy Stoker, August 4th, 2017. [DRY LAUGHTER] Statement ends.

(MAG118) TIM: You thought you brought me in as a distraction, right? ARCHIVIST: What?! TIM: Let me do it! Go in, maybe you can get some of them– ARCHIVIST: Tim, contrary to what you think, I did not bring you here to indulge your death wish! TIM: It’s not what this is! ARCHIVIST: No?! TIM: No! You knew I might not be coming back! ARCHIVIST: I knew none of us might be coming back, and I’m not gonna let anyone get killed for nothing!

Unlike Tim, Melanie might be able to rebuild herself up? In an episode about how things and people change, maybe it could be Melanie’s case, too. She’s able to tell what feels wrong, what happened, how she herself proceeded. She took decisions that broke Basira’s imposed status quo (bringing Jon to Helen for him to get help in his plan, showing him the way where he could rest a bit). Melanie did say, multiple times, that she was running out of options (she came to the Institute for that reason in MAG084); she doesn’t have answers but… it feels like she’s asking questions, and that’s a first important step, too.

- Which makes me realize that…

a) We never got a lot about Daisy’s own feelings and perception of events – and even then, only through… other people. Jon got her statement in MAG061 but Daisy was later pretty clear on the fact that she had never wanted to give it to him (MAG091); Elias pulled her through a “statement never given” in MAG082 and, in the same way, it was something she didn’t want to happen. Even her “testament” in MAG117, though HILARIOUS (Breathes / loads gun / “… Okay.” / CLICK.)… wasn’t about her. We learned that Basira was her last tie to humanity because Elias spat it in her face (MAG092), not because she admitted it. We know more funny bits about her (shows she likes etc.) thanks to MAG106, but it was through Basira. We’ve learned… almost nothing about Daisy from Daisy herself. So maybe we won’t lose her right away since… we’re lacking Her Words, too.

b) NOW I’M SCARED FOR MELANIE SINCE:

(MAG092) ELIAS: […] That’s what this place is, Jon, never forget it. You may believe yourself to have friends, to have confidantes, but in the end, all they are, is something for you to watch, to know, and ultimately to discard. This, at least, Gertrude understood.

………………… Tim died shortly after Jon was able to understand him a bit more, HELP………………

- Melanie coined it, “Team Archive” is officially canon now!!! (“Chalk it up as a win for Team Archive, I guess!”) Third-party family picture of it:

(MAG131) JARED: […] When we came up through the floor, it was wonderful. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on their faces. It was like their world had gone with the floor. The weak one legged it, and I thought the skinny one did too. There was just the copper. It weren’t dressed like one, but I know police when I smell it. They tried to run, but we were everywhere, and they couldn’t stop us undoing them for parts. You weren’t there, which was sad, but it made it easier. At least until the knife. I don’t know what the skinny one did, what she was, but that knife hurt. She screamed, and stabbed, and cut through all the others, ruining their perfect bodies. Then, she turned on me. Reached out with some of my hands, to get inside her, and pull her apart, and she cut them off. I got… scared. So I ran. I ran through the first door I found. And now I don’t know where I am.

a) Jon, not there, which is sad. b) Basira the cop c) Melanie canonically “skinny” compared to the others /o/ d) ……… Martin “the weak one”, AND HE RAN AWAY AGAIN………… which, once again, add some more… meat… to the trailer. Martin had felt so bad about leaving Jon and Tim behind during the Prentiss siege (remember his broken and tears-filled voice in MAG040?! Even Jon relented and went softer on him because of it!!), and he had resolved to be more active in MAG117, and then the Flesh attack happened, a few months later… That’s probably why he checked if the others would be fine when accepting Peter’s offer, and why he told Jon that more people would have been hurt if it wasn’t for him in MAG129, uh? The thing that tipped the balance and made him finally agree to Peter’s offer was probably guilt over not being able to help, and over running away when scared, once again.

- … Relatedly: where did Melanie’s special knife come from, since it was able to hurt Jared and even he was surprised?

(MAG123) BASIRA: Yeah, it was bad. We took them all out. Melanie did most of them. She was… she got a knife from somewhere and– ARCHIVIST: Basira, I… I don’t know if that’s a good sign…?

Did she literally materialize a knife out of nowhere? Did she infuse it with power because she was parasitised by the Slaughter bullet? I would go for that last option since she was able to injure Jon through a “scalpel” in MAG125 (it wasn’t one of her own weapons), but a third option: something from Artefact Storage or… sent by the Spider ~to help~?

- Basira’s relationship with police work is quite interesting because we met her as a police constable, her relevancy was initially tied to her job (it was thanks to her that Jon was able to access some of Gertrude’s tapes kept by the police); we saw her quit, disgusted by her hierarchy (MAG075), something she apparently doesn’t regret (MAG117: “I don’t want to be here. But by the end, I didn’t want to be police either, so… guess I don’t really know what I do want, which… maybe that’s just as well. My options… they’ve gotten a lot narrower over the last year.”) and now… She happens to be identified, more and more, through her police identity. Elias taunted her by greeting her in that way:

(MAG127) ELIAS: … Good evening. Detective. [STEPS COMING CLOSER] BASIRA: I’m not a detective. ELIAS: Of course.

Jared mentioned that she still felt like police to him (MAG131: “There was just the copper. It weren’t dressed like one, but I know police when I smell it.”), and also Melanie’s description of Basira which… kind or depicted her as if she had pushed the police mentality to the max? Melanie’s words were… concerning, to say the least, in how cold and casually calculating Basira looked to her:

(MAG131) MELANIE: […] Basira was right. The only way to do it was to completely betray my trust and destroy any remaining sense of safety. So, yes! Thank you. […] I mean, Basira is… [CHUCKLE], she’s been the only one for a long time, and, yes!, I sort of maybe hate her now! […] I can’t… look at her without my leg hurting, but what else am I going to do. I don’t want to be on my own, and I’m stuck here. So… ARCHIVIST: Basira said you were doing better. MELANIE: Would you just– stop?! […] [LONG EXHALE] Basira is, hum… Basira deals in “intel” these days, in “usable data”; assets, not “feelings”, not… “people”. Crying, shaking, nightmares, that is “better”. It doesn’t feel like it, but as far as Basira sees it, I’m not compromised anymore, and… that is “better”.

I think Melanie’s description might be more a sort of reflection of her own perception (and betrayal/awkwardness/resentment) rather than an objective truth, though, since… Basira has always shown a sort of cold pragmatism in the way she dealt with things and people around her. She’s always been blunt, harsh, doing things methodically to reach a goal. But even back then, we were shown that she cared; and right now, she could be suffering a bit from… the Jon syndrome: in the same way as Jon, she tends to come across as a bit more heartless and indifferent than she actually is – she rarely shows her concerns directly in front of people but reveals them in their absence. Melanie seems to think that Basira is mostly perceiving her through the lense of a cop’s eye, evaluating if she’s with or potentially against her, but Basira herself wasn’t so metallic when she was describing Melanie:

(MAG123) BASIRA: […] She’s not, uh… she’s not been having a good time. […] Well, just back off. You haven’t been here. […] She saved my life, Jon. She saved all of us. I won’t forget that.

(MAG125) BASIRA: […] Besides, I wanted to give her some space, y’know. But yeah. Living outside the Institute, ’s just not safe anymore.

(MAG127) ARCHIVIST: How’s Melanie? BASIRA: How do you think? ARCHIVIST: I, er, I should probably… talk to h– BASIRA: You should probably stay as far away as possible. She doesn’t want to see you. […] But she did want me to… apologize. […] ARCHIVIST: Do–do you think it worked? Is she… BASIRA: I don’t know. She seems more… coherent, I guess. And you did get an apology. […] She said she can cry now, which is, hum… Progress, I think? She’s still angry but, she hasn’t attacked anyone. Not even sure she has it in her anymore. ARCHIVIST: Well that’s, that’s good! BASIRA: Hm.

And in the same way, Basira had been oddly defensive of Martin, also laying down that she understood that he has had his issues. Maybe it’s indeed just like Melanie said, and mostly strategy and cautious control from Basira, and she steeled herself to a dreadful extent after The Unknowing… but maybe it’s also that, just like Jon before the second half of season 3, Basira has trouble conveying that she cares when she’s in front of the relevant people, not able to deal with their feelings but aware that they’re hurt and in pain? We didn’t see Basira showering Melanie in care after what Elias did to her in MAG106, either: we saw that she cared in the way she noticed that Melanie wasn’t fine when Melanie refused to explain what had happened (MAG108), in the way she reminded Martin that the victim had been Melanie and sternly told him that they couldn’t allow Elias to go unpunished, (MAG110: “R–right, right. Sorry. I just… It’s just a lot to take in, y’know.” “Mostly for Melanie, yeah. […] We can't just ignore it. […] We are not letting him get away with it.”), in the way she VERY DRYLY told Elias that Melanie wouldn’t be there during the last pre-Unknowing briefing (MAG116: “Will… Melanie not be joining us?” “No. She won’t.” “Very well. I suppose that’s understandable.”)

So… it could be that Basira is heading down a dark path. It could also just be that she is having it rough and is handling herself, but others are feeling that she is more ruthless than she truly is inside.

- Re: Jared himself: * I feel so, so stupid. I hadn’t realized, until Jon referred to Jared as “The Boneturner”, that MAG017’s title, “The Boneturner’s Tale”, referred both to the title of the “Leitner” book… and to the fact that we witnessed the birth of The Boneturner as himself. Which makes sense given that it’s based on The Canterbury Tales, in which people are presented through their profession/status.

* Same as a lot of people: my ESL ears couldn’t understand Jared at aaaaall on first listenings, so thank you so much for the transcripts, Amil ;_; (Now I manage to follow the sentences! And without the voicecast, I would have never guessed that it was Alex voicing him, holy Mew.)

* GDI JONNY STOP MAKING SERIAL KILLERS SOUND ALMOST (almost.) (SYM)PATHETIC….. The thing is, I feel like we were led to think of Jared as… a bit slow and not very smart overall? due to the fact that he wasn’t talking a lot and because of how statement-givers had described him – especially because of Sebastian Adekoya:

(MAG017, Sebastian Adekoya) Jared and I had once been fast friends; growing up on the same road, attending the same schools, we had spent much of our early life as inseparable. But he had always been, well, not to put too fine a point on it, thick as mud, and when I went away to university, he stayed behind. I think he saw it as something of a betrayal, and when I finally returned, I knew immediately something had changed between us. […] I was, I will admit, a bit unsettled. As far as I could recall I had never seen Jared read… well, anything, really.

(…………….. that sounds awfully like Jared initially had a crush on Seb and grew to resent him, in fact.)

But no! Jared got marginalized as a kid because of his height, was actually well aware of his situation and lack of prospects, and given a drive when he lacked it? Wanted to make his parents happy although it was a Complete Disaster and terrifying? And was able to reaaaally get invested in things? Was aware of how people perceived him? Was aware that people would tell their stories to the Institute? And built a gym of friends (people who got what they wanted)?

(MAG131) JARED: […] I wrecked my school. I did have friends, but they left me, one by one, until all that I had were the dregs; the ones who stayed ‘coz they were too scared to leave. We were always either in trouble, or looking for it. Those were bad times. I tried to look ahead, but I couldn’t see anything. No future, no hope; just bitter parents, and whatever misery I could pass on to everyone else. God knows what would’ve happened if that little prick Sebastian hadn’t given me that book.

(L O L about the “given me that book”: according to Sebastian, he just took it and left.)

I’m especially impressed at how quickly he understood (and rolled with) what kind of “favour” Jon wanted from him:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Oh. O–okay. D–do you need to know… w–what it is? JARED: Not much you could want, comin’ to me. Put summat in. Take summat out. Which is it?

Let’s be honest: if someone was coming to Jon for something, right now, he wouldn’t assume they’re here to give a statement, you would have to tell him outright.

* One potentially reassuring thing for Jon: Jared said that… it’s possible to just refuse to participate in a ritual. That you can nope out of it, and apparently keep doing your own thing without slowly disappearing like what’s apparently happened with Tom Haan or Breekon:

(MAG131) JARED: […] There were others. Others of skin and hunger; they tried to talk to me about gods. They’d go on and on about remaking the world; of a new day of blood and flesh. I told them to piss off. I like the world just as it is. I take what I want and I make myself more, and when people look at me… that fear – it feels amazing. Some of my mates, the ones I helped find their proper bodies, they listened, and went to feed the hunger. Not me though. I never was that ambitious.

Though: I’m not sure that Jon… would be okay even with turning his back on the ceremony, given his title as The Archivist (it seems a bit more important, less… independent than what Jared is?); and also… Jared sustained himself through the fear he inflicted on others (Jude had explained the “feeding what feeds you” aspect, and Jon hadn’t been able to tell what he was supposed to feed to Beholding). I think that Jonny also mentioned in the Season 3’s Q&A that Avatars’ purpose is to bring suffering and misery onto others? So. Is Jon really simply feeding Beholding through the fears left on the statements’ paper (and his own fear from reading the statements), or is there something else…? (I’m still concerned about the nature of his nightmares and what it’s been doing to the live statement-givers all this time… ;;)

* Relatedly: first time Jon has taken a live-statement (by himself, excluding Oliver oversharing in front of his comatose body.) in season 4. I guess that yeah, uh, I won’t feel super sorry for Jared if it traps him in Jon’s ~slim collection of gifted nightmares~, especially since apparently, full-fledged Avatars are able to push Jon away from theirs? (MAG120: “he even longs for the terrible dream of the melted woman, who would see everything desolated without rhyme or reason. But she was beyond his reach the moment she knew he was there.”) But I wonder, in any case, if we’ll hear about this as an additional dream. If so… yeah, enjoy, Jon. The statement was short, it wasn’t up to Your Standards, but it won’t be a nice experience.

- Obvious Donphan In The Room: CONGRATS ON GETTING YOUR “FLESH” WOUND JON!!

… Now he’s only missing The Buried’s and we know that Coffin Is Coming; The Dark, with cultists lurking around the Institute; The Lonely, with Peter Lukas running the place (… or having Martin running it for him). The speculation about MARTIN ending up being the one to carve a metaphorical Lonely scar into Jon…………. is getting ominously more and more possible??? Gdi ;;;;;

Live-statements wise (I’m counting “Extracted From Subject” here), from Avatars, Jon got: * The Stranger (MAG128, Breekon) * The Spiral (MAG101, Michael) * The Desolation (MAG089, Jude Perry) * The Vast (MAG091, Mike Crew) * The Hunt (MAG061, Alice “Daisy” Tonner” + MAG109, Julia Montauk and Trevor Herbert) * The End (MAG121, Oliver Banks) * The Flesh (MAG131, Jared Hopworth)

+ Amongst victims/witnesses rather than active lives-wreckers, Jon also received The Corruption (MAG055, Jordan Kennedy), The Lonely (MAG013, Naomi Herne), The Dark (MAG073, Basira), The Slaughter (MAG076, Melanie), The Buried (MAG071, Karolina Górka).

Still missing The Web and Beholding, unless one (or both) of them was the thing happening in MAG065 + potentially the New Emergence (… unless it was the thing happening in MAG065). Jon is completing a set in that regard, too…

- I’m a Simple Person very obsessed with the conflicted relationship between Jon and doors, so I was floored that Jon:

(MAG131) MELANIE: Here. [FOOTSTEPS STOP] ARCHIVIST: Oh. … This, this door… It shouldn’t be here. MELANIE: Yes. ARCHIVIST: I, er… I don’t want to open it! I’m not going to. MELANIE: [SIGHS] [KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK] She’s been helping us.

1°) refused to open or KNOCK ON A DOOR, and Melanie had to do it for him. (To be fair with Jon: he tried to open Michael’s door in MAG101, expecting this to be one of his last moments. It’s not especially an appealing thing to do again.)

2°) ended up going in after a bit of talking. That door… used to terrify him, according to Elias?

(MAG120) ELIAS: […] There is a door in front of him. A yellow door. He knows the dream it used to lead to; he knows it well. But that’s not where it leads anymore. He does not know what is behind it anymore, and he is deathly afraid of finding out. The Archivist turns away.

(;; That was probably Helen’s statement before she replaced Michael in MAG101, since she had given her live-statement…) So. Jon faced it and opened it! And he thanked her, we’re so shocked and proud!! Progress!!

- … I’m super worried about what is coming in season 4, since Jon used to say his “Shit” of the season pretty far in:

(MAG039) PRENTISS: Archivist. TIM: Ah. ARCHIVIST: … Shit.

(MAG078) MICHAEL: You – Need – A door. ARCHIVIST: NO. No, I–I just… I need… [DISTORTED VOICE FROM THE NOT!SASHA CALLING OUT HIS NAME AGAIN] ARCHIVIST: SHIT!

(MAG099) BREEKON: ‘scuse us. HOPE: Are you Jonathan Sims? ARCHIVIST: Yeah, wha–? Oh, sh– [THE ARCHIVIST EXCLAIMS & COUGHS AS THE WIND IS KNOCKED OUT OF HIM]

(MAG131) MELANIE: […] It didn’t stay in my leg because of some Ghostly Masterplan; it stayed… because I wanted it. ARCHIVIST: … Shit.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, LET’S ALL CELEBRATE!!! Melanie is now officially our New Designated (Bi?) Sayer Of Fuck!

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Oh, I… Melanie, I–I’m so sorry, I– MELANIE: Oooh, fuck off?!

Rest in fucking pieces, Tim, someone is taking care of saying “Fuck” to Jon ;w;

- Jon, that was your Worst Introduction Ever:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Uh. Statement of Jared Hopworth, the Boneturner. Statement begins.

No mention of who is recording, what it's about, and no date (we wouldn’t know it was March 20th if not for the episode’s case number). Jon, You Have One Job. Jon. Jon.

… The way Jon very quickly accepted to give up one of his ribs when it’s supposed to be ~a precious anchor~ still makes me facepalm, but to be fair, he reacted quickly and… it didn’t sound like he was especially thirsty for the statement itself:

(MAG131) JARED: Guarantees? None. But I want to leave more than I want to kill you. Not like it was my idea in the first place. ARCHIVIST: So…[STATIC:] Why did you and the others attack us? JARED: I was asked. You want my statement, that’s gonna cost you another rib. ARCHIVIST: I–I could just pull the information out of you. [MENACINGLY MEATY MURMURS] JARED: You could try. ARCHIVIST: Okay. Fine. A rib for me, a rib for you; your freedom and a statement. JARED: Yeah. Alright. ARCHIVIST: Right. Statement first.

Jared had already mentioned that Jon was specifically the target; it was… about getting information about who had siced him on The Archives. And indeed, we don’t learn a lot about it in the end, but the news that someone has been pulling strings to the point of organizing an attack against the Archives was quite big…

;; It’s a bit heartbreaking, and also !!, to see that Jon is getting better at understanding negotiations with avatars. He still does things that he probably shouldn’t (sarcasm and threats and forced compulsion are nnnnnot the Greatest Things to do against things that can physically wreck you), but… he also quickly picks up on how he can find a common agreement. Compare him now to how Jude had wrecked his hand in MAG089, in exchange for information about Mike Crew… Jon is more in control – still a bit panicky, not at ease, but he understands the logic and how exchanges are supposed to work.

- True Romance is giving one of your ribs to someone on your first meeting:

(MAG131) JARED: […] Anyway, this one’s for me. [MORE MOBILE MEAT NOISES, THIS TIME OF INSERTION] Huh. That’s a weird one. Not sure I like it. Still. Mine now. ARCHIVIST: [WEAKLY] I supp… I suppose it is.

… I think that Jon, Melanie or Helen would have commented about it, if the rib Jon was clutching at the end of the episode was, let’s say, COVERED IN EYES LIKE IN MAG127. So it’s probably not the case. But still: Jared felt something weird about it. Will it mean something…? Will it be poison for him…? Will Beholding take a look at Jared from the inside. uwu

- Tiny thing but that could turn out to be relevant later:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I was down here just yesterday, and there wasn’t– MELANIE: Here. ARCHIVIST: Oh. This, this door… It shouldn’t be here.

If the sound is any indication, they were in the tunnels. Which means… that Jon explicitly mentioned spending time down there. What is he doing? Trying to map them out, using them to get in and out of the Institute like Tim used to? Planning something?

Basira left at the end of MAG128 (3rd March 2018); it’s been 17 days since then, almost 5 weeks since Jon woke up from his “coma”, and… we still don’t really know what Jon is doing with his time. He only recorded and listened to two statements since Basira’s departure, and we know he can’t really do much follow-up lately so… What are you not telling us, Jon…?

- I’ll never get tired of Jon conking the heck out, and it’s been twice in a short amount of time! <3 (MAG128 after the reading of Breekon’s statement, MAG131 after the ribs extraction.) What is your life, Jon.

- Oh My Gods, Jon, You Can’t Just Ask People Why They Didn’t Kill Someone.

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I see. … Why didn’t you kill him? MELANIE: I stabbed him in three different hearts – didn’t work. If you want to go hunting for a fourth, knock yourself out. ARCHIVIST: I, er… I’m alright, I think.

mELANIE…

- I am SO delighted about the news that Helen has been back and helping!!! I missed her so much gdi!!! And I really wasn’t expecting that she had been around all this time, that she had saved the Archives Team since Melanie stabbing three hearts didn’t manage to take down Jared!!

And I feel bad now for calling her “Helen” with quotation marks and taking extra-precaution to designate her differently from MAG047’s Helen Richardson, since… Helen took offense from the “It” and Melanie calls Helen “she”, so let’s trust Melanie on Helen’s correct pronouns! :w

* To be fair to Jon, Helen-as-the-new-Distortion was extremely confusing, identity-wise, in MAG101 and MAG115! She spoke about “Helen” in third person, but sounding like it was a constant push-pull between being and not being (MAG115: “I don’t, I don’t think I have a choice but to be Helen. Self is difficult.”); admitting to have killed a man, and not being satisfied by it but… not being overly upset about murdering an innocent person either (;; have there been others, since then…?); making Jon an offer to evolve alongside each other when The Unknowing was coming close and Jon was precisely trying to put himself together. But if Helen indeed didn’t lie… she could have helped, indeed, back then ;; She could have used her doors to transport them to the wax museum and ensure their safety…

* I do like how Helen suggested that Jon not put a clear delimitation between humanity and monsterhood; it was both… a sort of invitation for Jon to stop angsting about it, and to stop trying to run away from it? And it also echoed what Jon himself had wondered about, about being himself, when he woke up (MAG122: “I’m… I’m… I’m trying to focus. Trying to make sure I’m the same me as before, but… how can anyone really remember that? How do you know… you’re the same person that went to sleep…?”).

(MAG131) MELANIE: She’s been helping us. ARCHIVIST: It has never helped anyone. Not without a cost. [THE DOOR CREAKS OPEN] HELEN: If I’m an “it”, Archivist, then what does that make you? [THE DOOR CREAKS CLOSED] MELANIE: Hi, Helen. ARCHIVIST: I have been told that you could help. HELEN: I have been trying to. But the last time you were very rude. ARCHIVIST: And you’re still wearing her face. HELEN: Not this again. I’m not “wearing” anything, Archivist. I am at least as much Helen Richardson as you are the Jonathan Sims that first joined this institute. Things change. People change. It happens. ARCHIVIST: … We’re not “people”, though, are we? Not anymore. HELEN: Names. Categories. It’s all so important to you, isn’t it? You do know none of it is actually real. It’s all just meaningless boxes.

(Though: Avatars and monsters still tend to call Jon “Archivist” – they’re also the ones putting Jon in a box?)

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH………… BECAUSE GUESS WHAT…………… GUESS WHO MIGHT HAVE BEEN RIGHT ABOUT THIS AFTER ALL……………

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: […] Am I… Elias, am I still human? ELIAS: Jon, what does human even mean? I mean, really? You still bleed, you can still die. And your will is still your own, mostly. That’s more than can be said for a lot of the “real’ humans out there.

*FLIPS TABLE* I WOULD LIKE TO FIND HELEN’S WORDS INSPIRING BUT… IT’S ALSO WHAT FUCKING ELIAS SAID… WHY IS THIS EPISODE A STRING OF IMPLIED “ELIAS HAD BEEN RIGHT ABOUT X AND Y”……………………

* That said, I’m also laughing that:

(MAG131) MELANIE: Is… he still in there? HELEN: Oh, yes. He’s not exactly something that I can… digest. He’s a bit of an irritant, to be honest. If you’re looking to let him out, I can be persuaded. […] MELANIE: … Did you let that… thing go?

(Bwahahah about Helen calling Jared an “irritant”, when Elias had qualified Michael with that word.) For all that talk about showing respect to People-Who-Changed-And-Became-Spooks, Melanie really had trouble calling Jared a “he”, uh. (But well. She stabbed three of his hearts. That gives her a peculiar point of view.)

* Was that a reference to periods.

(MAG131) HELEN: Hm. Bodies are strange. Rather glad they’re not my concern anymore. MELANIE: Must be nice. HELEN: [CHEERFUL] It really is!

* OOPSIE, so. If Martin knew that Helen was around and that she saved them from Jared… I have trouble picturing him taking her presence kindly. (MAG118: “being left to wander impossible corridors for weeks!” ;;)

* ANYWAY, HELEN IS THE BESTEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO TEAM ARCHIVES, OKAY.

(MAG131) MELANIE: … Did you let that… thing go? HELEN: He found a door. MELANIE: … Where did he come out? HELEN: The door may have been in a bwall, some distance above a river. MELANIE: [CHUCKLE] Nice…!

She’s totally nailing the Keeping My Promise (And Wrecking You At The Same Time) aspect of monsterhood, uh! =DD

(MAG131) HELEN: Good luck, Archivist! Be seeing you.

Look!! She’s even being a good guest by using the awful pun of the local patron which is currently housing her door!!

* There was something in this episode about the fact that Avatars or people-who-are-not-total-spooks(-yet) are Their Own Person: Jared refused to participate in his god’s own ritual, out of sheer disinterest; Melanie explained that the anger wasn’t coming from the bullet but was her own; Helen has decided to help, despite what one could expect from The Spiral (or is it a trap? She sounded genuine and given the overall message I felt from the episode, I don’t think she was lying and trying to mislead here, that she wouldn’t be able to fight a sort of natural instinct); Jon is trying to save Daisy despite the fact that The Archivist is supposed to be “the Observer” and that Beholding is usually described as… amazingly passive. It’s really like how Gertrude made her own choices, decided whom to sacrifice and how in order to reach her aims? I wonder if this will lead to something about Daisy? When we left her in MAG119, she was chaotic and filled with violence (Breekon described her as “feral”); in the same way, that violence is… most probably her own, building up since she was a kid. Maybe she isn’t as lost and Far Gone as what I feared; maybe there will be a way to hear her words, too?

- So many character developments points for Jon…

* I’M SO PROUD OF JON FOR TRYING TO APOLOGIZE HERE AND THERE… it was good! And he ended up understanding that it wasn’t the point, and did what Melanie asked him to do – shutting up and listening to what SHE wanted to say!!!

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Oh, I… Melanie, I–I’m so sorry, I– MELANIE: Oooh, fuck off?! […] ARCHIVIST: Basira said you were doing better. MELANIE: Would you just– stop?! ARCHIVIST: No– Right, no– MELANIE: This isn’t better! ARCHIVIST: M–Melanie, I, I– […] M–Melanie, it, it– MELANIE: Don’t tell me to calm down! Don’t you dare–! ARCHIVIST: [LOW] Right… Yes. I… […] Maybe… maybe it’s enough to start healing, start… letting go of the anger. MELANIE: Oh, just stop! Just stop and– listen. ARCHIVIST: Okay.

Jon has grown up so much and it involves shutting up!!!

* He didn’t apologize to Helen but listened to her! And thanked her!!!

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Right. Uh… [WINCES] Thank you. … For your… for your help. HELEN: You are very welcome. I have decided that I support what you’re doing, and I’m happy to assist. I think we’ll all be much happier this way.

Progress!!

* GAASSSPPSSSS

(MAG131) MELANIE: Basira’s not going to be happy that you let him out. ARCHIVIST: [SCOFF] Basira isn’t here. … And if this works…! I’ll have Daisy waiting for her when she gets back, so I don’t think she’ll be thinking – too much about Jared.

Is… is this Jon finally understanding about lesbians………………….

(Jooooon, but what about YOU freeing Jared into the wild… There will be people coming to you, in a few months/years, telling you about how they lost a loved one or were tortured by him, maybe, if your bone doesn’t kill him or if he doesn’t drown thanks to Helen… I’m surprised that he didn’t think about the consequences here, even though he had highlighted that he was upset at the thought of people getting killed and victimized by the Fears…?)

(;; And the idea that getting Daisy back would cheer up Basira is such a simplistic reasoning, at the same time… almost childish? Very pure? Like a child knowing they did something their parents would disapprove of on principle, but hoping that the consequences will make up for it anyway? And the way Jon is banking on Basira forgetting about his freeing Jared because Daisy would be back… probably means that no, it won’t be that easy and simple and nice, uh…)

- People not saying anything but conveying in their tone that “Sure, Jon.” (/You Do You) when Jon tries to explain the thing about “anchor” really cracks me up:

(MAG131) MELANIE: [INHALES SHARPLY] So! Why are you trying to chop off your finger? ARCHIVIST: [AWKWARDLY] O–oh, I, I–I am– [CLEARS THROAT] I nee–need a… I’ve been thinking of it a–as an anchor. I think. I… know. Something I have a connection to, th–that I can use to find my way out of the Coffin when I reach Daisy. I–I figured the strongest anchor would be… part of my own body. [BREATHLESS LAUGH] MELANIE: Okay. So… just cut it off.

[…] JARED: That’s yours. What’s it for? [PAINED SOUNDS OF RECOVERY] ARCHIVIST: [STAMMERING] Um… A, a–an anchor JARED: Huh. Right. Anyway, this one’s for me.

[…] [CLICK–] HELEN: Still alive? MELANIE: Seems to be, yes. HELEN: And he’s certainly holding a bone, for some reason. MELANIE: Said it was going to be an… “anchor”.

Nobody is impressed rezufsdhjnfez.

- How could you ever say that Jon wasn’t funny, Martin:

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: That’s it? [SNORT] Hardly worth a rib. [JARED LOOMS FORWARD] [PLACATINGLY] Alright! Alright. Is it, uh… Is it going to hurt? JARED: Dunno. Doesn’t hurt me. [THE ARCHIVIST MAKES IT BE KNOWN THAT IT DOES RATHER] [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF MEAT AND BONE MOVEMENT]

(I missed the official transcripts and their official descriptors so, so much efdshjxnefd.)

Anyway! Jon… Oooh, Jon… you already did know about that one. You had already read from someone who had gotten a bone removed by Jared himself…

(MAG049, Gregory Pryor) “There is… no way to describe what it feels like, to have bone pulled out of you through your unbroken skin. If you’ve ever been stabbed, or had a decent-sized object embedded in you, maybe you can remember how it felt to have it removed, but even then, the pain is of a different quality. The nerves aren’t being… torn, or cut; they’re being pushed aside, like water. Imagine the feeling of removing a rubber glove from your hand but… you’re the glove, not the hand. And it hurts like the worst toothache you can imagine, it– That’s as close as I can get to putting it into words. […] I can still feel it sometimes, like it’s still there. I know it’s just phantom limb syndrome but… sometimes I swear it feels like my bone’s still out there, twisting in someone else’s arm… ”

So yep! It was supposed to hurt! And hurt it did!

Also enjoy feeling your rib twisting in Jared’s torso (or wherever he put it), Jon…………….

- I think this was the most unsettling episode ever for me. WHAT A BEGINNING, WOW, THANKS, THAT WAS AWFUL AND… not even exactly gruesome, but very disturbing? Not so much for the sounds of Jon trying to cut off his own finger but because of his shaky cries of pain while doing it.

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: […] [PAINED FRUSTRATION] Oh, come on! Everyone else can carve up the Archivist but– when he actually needs it…! […] MELANIE: [INHALES SHARPLY] So! Why are you trying to chop off your finger? ARCHIVIST: O–oh, I, I–I am– [CLEARS THROAT] I–I need a… I’ve been thinking of it as a–a, an anchor, I–I think. I… know. Something I have a connection to, th–that I can… use to find my way out of the coffin, when I reach Daisy. I–I figured the strongest anchor would be…. part of my own body. [BREATHLESS LAUGH] MELANIE: Okay. So… just cut it off. ARCHIVIST: Er, I’m… doing my best. MELANIE: [HUFF] Can’t go through with it? ARCHIVIST: Oh, th–the blade keeps going in! And… it hurts… hurts plenty. But then it heals up, pretty much the moment I take it out – no wound, no scar… nothing.

YEAH, YOU BET, I COULD HEAR THAT.

So, is it not working because it’s Jon doing it to himself, or because only Spooks can harm him (temporarily) now? Gooooosh, the fact that Jon tried and tried again, and was losing it with pain/anguish but kept trying for a good while… (If he manages to get Daisy back and she’s not too far gone: I wonder if they would try to test the limits and conditions of Jon’s healing abilities?)

That also ;; answers (without any question) the matter of whether Jon would be able to self-harm, or to try to… avert his fate, at the last moment. Apparently, no. I’m guessing that the auto-regeneration is more akin to a reflex, and it should be a good thing (he can heal very fast! can’t even get harmed through normal means!)…  But it’s awfully creepy to know for sure that Jon doesn’t have that control over his own body anymore – that his body doesn’t really belong to him anymore, and that what he wants to and can do with it are now two different things.

- Which should have been a first red flag for Jon about his idea of using his own body as an anchor. AND THE SECOND ONE WAS OBVIOUSLY:

(MAG131) JARED: Not much you could want, comin’ to me. Put summat in. Take summat out. Which is it? ARCHIVIST: Take something out. … A bone. A rib, probably. S–something I won’t miss.

(+ Bonus of accepting super-quickly to give up on another rib and to give it to Jared against his statement.)

“Something I won’t miss” OH MY GODS JON, DO YOU EVER STOP AND LISTEN TO YOURSELF………. HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK AS AN ANCHOR IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO MISS IT, IF YOU’RE NOT EXCEPTIONALLY ATTACHED TO IT……. J O N…………..

- Maybe the Rib-As-Anchor will work but I’m Very Sceptical About It. So many ways and reasons for it to work or to not work with everything going very wrong anyway!

* The rib works, Jon goes back to the surface with Daisy, she’s still in (or returns to) the “feral” state she was in during the Unknowing and manages to flee. Jon now has two missing ribs, an empty coffin, a very dangerous Daisy on the loose, and a lovely Story to tell to Basira, who will… not be very happy about it.

* The other rib works and Jon comes out somewhere in front of Jared; feral!Daisy butchers The Ex-Butcher (which could solve the Jared problem) and escapes, same as above re:Basira.

* The ribs don’t work because Jon literally said it would be something he wouldn’t miss, or they actually… already grew back in his own very messed up Beholding body; Jon compulses Daisy into thinking about her own anchor (like he grounded Tim during the Unknowing), and she thinks about Basira, and Daisy gets the both of them out.

* Same as above except Daisy gets out and Jon is still stuck. Either gets out by thinking about Georgie or Martin OR THE MEMORIES OF TIM&SASHA, L I S T E N, I SHIP JON/MARTIN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE BUT I WOULD D I E IF JON WERE ABLE TO RECOVER HIS MEMORIES OF THE REAL SASHA’S FACE AND TIM’S LAST MOMENTS IN A DIRE SITUATION AND THAT IT WOULD BE THE THING SAVING HIM, ALLOWING HIM TO GET BACK………, either he ends up needing exterior help to get out – Basira coming back right in time? Martin doing something? Martin asking Peter to save Jon? The Web having to send someone/something again?

- It also worked when Sasha and Tim were still around *WHIMPERS LOUDLY*, but: nobody in Extended Team Archives is a heterosexual dude! So All Likelyhoods aside, I want Daisy back and a team sleepover down in the tunnels, between Daisy-Basira-Melanie-Helen, and Jon being… there. Honorary guest or person-who-had-to-pay-for-the-food. (Get Martin back, put him there too, for max awkwardness!)

Shhh. Shhhhh. *cries*

Patreons have the title so, yep, well, we know the main subject, uh. (Both “being x” for Daisy, and “getting x” for Jon, I’m guessing…?)

[avani008]

If you are still doing the six squared meme, can we have Animal Husbandry, Family Tree and Hours and Day for Krishna? [What can I say, he's a favourite. I think you can empathise. :-P]

(I certainly do :P Behind the cut because this is long)

Animal Husbandry

hair of the dog

“Will there ever come a time, Kanha,” Dau asks wearily, out of breath from outrunning yet another honorary aunt who’s found her butter-churns raided. “where you tire of your mischief and resolve to tell falsehoods no more?”

“Of course,” Krishna lies cheerfully. 

horse sense

Though there is no dearth of subjects about which he might disagree with his cousin Nakula, the one that Krishna takes the most umbrage to is his choice of occupation while in exile.

“Why wouldn’t you have volunteered yourself to tend the cows?” Krishna wants to know. “The world knows they’re much easier, and far more pleasant than your horses–just ask your brother if you don’t believe me.”

“There’s a reason they call me the wise one,” Sahadeva adds, and Krishna beams at him. 

cat with the cream

“And you’ve no idea at all,” says Devaki, still awestruck and admiring of her god-given son to be suspicious, and more than a little relieved to let her children manage household matters, “why the palace cooks complain so?”

“None whatsoever,” replies Krishna earnestly.

a sow’s ear

In truth, Krishna has few expectations of any of his cousins, least of all the Kurus who are known for their discriminating standards–but he sees Yudhisthira’s sharpness, Bhima’s gruff kindness, the twins’ humor, and Arjuna’s everything, and thinks, for the first time: I could make something out of that. 

birds of a feather

“It is your shared complexions that bind you,” people say, and Krishna is content to let them think so, but it is more than that he shares with the Princess of Panchal: it is quick wit, it is quicksilver pride, and most of all a quietly burning anger at the way things are. 

white elephant

He is thanked, over and over again, for his help; and so often he wants to say, It was no help at all, but a burden I must place upon you for no fault of your own.

Family Tree

sins of the father

It is not Vasudeva he blames, but Satvana, who let his people splinter into Andhakas,  Vrishnis, Kukuras, Bhojas and Shainyas. There are years and years of feuds to be answered for, and Krishna–in the end–who must pay the price for them. 

the mother of innovation

When at last his mother Devaki hears of his exploits in Vrindavan, she frowns with disapproval–but not for the reasons his mother Yashoda might have. 

“Why,” she exclaims, “you might have done so much better to rig up a pulley, and lift your butter-pots out from outside the houses, where no one might see you!”

(not) one’s brother’s keeper

“Why worry, Kanha?” Dau says with false cheer before he sets off on his pilgrimage, before he returns and will never quite be able to forgive Krishna for what Krishna has done during the war. “You don’t need me, not really.”

“No,” Krishna admits as the retinue disappears past the palace walls. “But I wanted you with me regardless.”

sister(s) under the skin

“If we did not share each other’s blood,” Subhadra wants to know, “and were strangers to each other, would you still be so proud of me?”

Krishna considers her, the joy of their house, born with all Dau’s courage and all his charm. He considers that he is proud of everyone he meets, of their faults and victories, no matter how big or small they are. He considers his knowledge that she is meant for great things, things that will break her heart in the making.

“Of course I should,” he reminds her gently, and fortunately, she is content with that.

cry uncle

He does not mourn his uncle, does not attend his funeral, does not pretend even the slightest hint of tears and regret as his father and grandfather do.

There will be plenty to mourn in the years to come; Kamsa is not one of them.

There are six bloodstains in the courtyard that stand testament to that.

country cousin

“So,” Shishupala grunts, “you’re Uncle Vasudeva’s secret son.” He manages, somehow, to make son sound every bit as insulting as an accusation of illegitimacy might be; the less said about secret, the better.

Krishna turns, with his most maddeningly insolent smile. “Why yes,” he says with the sort of country drawl even his fellow cowherds might have mocked, “I do believe I am.”

Hours and Days

morning after

The worst day is the first he spends in the palace of Mathura, where he can hear birdsong from his window, so similar to that of Gokul, and when he opens his eyes–

There’s none of Mother’s pots and pans, none of the knickknacks Father persists in carving despite having no perceptible use, none of the flowers garlands and woven clothes Radha has given him. 

There’s only a strange room, full of strange things, that must now be his own. 

high noon

At last it is done, and Dwaraka shines, every corner studded with gems and covered with gold, at his feet.

“It’ll be a dreadful eyesore when the sun catches it at noon,” Rukmini says by his side, but he can see her smile; this city is as much her child as his, and they will never be more proud of it. 

lady of the evening

The nice thing, he realizes, about cultivating a rakish reputation is that no one says anything when he leaves the palace at sunset, only calling out conjectures that he must be going to meet some fine lady or another.

“I certainly am,” Krishna calls back (with perfect honesty, as always, no matter what Dau grumbles) and minds that they don’t notice the empty milk-bucket he holds.

sunset years

“I am not,” Krishna says distinctly, “growing old.”

Akrura and Kritavarma laugh along the rest, and so much the better; let them think it a jest by a man meant to be a few decades past his prime, if it keeps them from realizing that every word is true.

ships in the night

Pradhyumna is taken from Krishna as a baby, and not returned until he is half-grown; Krishna is taken by Samba when his youngest boy is an infant, by politics and plots and pretense upon which the whole world’s fate depends.

Krishna loves his sons, truly he does, but it seems he never knows their childhood for more than a few passing moments. 

bad moon rising

And here is Abhimanyu, who, unlike the rest, Krishna lovingly brings up, there for every lesson and mistake and change; here is Abhimanyu, who still at almost-seventeen, comes to his uncle in the camp of Kurukshetra to ask why the moon looks so swollen and blood-red.

“Because,” Krishna says, and looks away, “he weeps for his son’s return to his rightful place.”

[totaldramafan-lauri]

Eurovision 2019 Opinions, Predictions, and Rankings

Whew! Got it done in time to relax for a few days until the show starts!

These posts are always really time-consuming to make, but at the end of the day, I like making them. I honestly don’t care if people read them or not, I just like talking about Eurovision, and that’s all there is to it.

If you do decide to read this: this is another year where a lot of my opinions aren’t exactly popular...I do agree with a lot of the possible winners (so it’s not as bad as two years ago), sure, but a lot of MY favorite songs this year are major underdogs. Yeah, I can’t exactly help it if my taste is weird, but I love my favorites and will defend them as long as I can. And hey, I’m American, so I can’t even vote. =P

I do like how there are no songs I dislike this year. That’s a good thing. There are only a few that I’m indifferent to, and everything else, I either like or love. That’s the sign of a good Eurovision.

Now, with further ado, on to the rambling!

(In alphabetical order by country)

Song: Ktheju tokës   Country: Albania Thoughts: So, as I expected, Albania wasn't able to reach the same level of awesomeness they did last year. Instead, we...still get a pretty interesting song! I enjoy this song quite a bit, even though it's not one of the huge standout songs to me. It's a bit more "standard Albanian entry", but that's not a totally bad thing. I like the beat here. Nothing wrong with heavy drums. I like drums. Prediction: I don't think this'll qualify, sadly. The second semifinal, which it's in, is super strong, and I don't think this song is good enough to stand out amongst the competition.

Song: Walking Out Country: Armenia Thoughts: I'm really starting to get to the point where I should never underestimate Armenia, since I've adored so many of their recent entries - including them being among my favorites in 2014 and 2016 and among my borderline favorites in 2017 - and now we have this song being one of my favorites this year. I normally love happy songs in Eurovision, but what we don't get as often is a good angry song. A song to listen to when you wanna tell someone off but don't have the courage to! That's what this song is. This lady has a really really strong voice, which is the best part, and she sells the emotion this song is going for super well. Overall a great song that doesn't sound like anything else this year, and...yeah, I love it! Prediction: I'm worried about most of my favorites this year...The betters aren't kind to a lot of them, and it's scaring me. This might be my unluckiest year since 2015, but I could also be worrying too much. I think Armenia do have a chance to qualify, having a very strong song and a good record, so I'll predict that this song'll creep up on people and qualify! If it doesn't, however...I won't be super surprised. There are also a few other songs in the second semifinal that I love even MORE than this one, so if one or more of those make it, I'll be fine if this doesn't.

Song: Zero Gravity Country: Australia Thoughts: Australia are still here, and they clearly give no craps! Well, um...this is a thing. That's what it is, all right! A thing! ...And I like it! Yeah, it took a bit for this song to grow on me, but it eventually did. It's still on the lower end for me, but considering that I don't normally gravitate (heehee) towards opera singing, to the point where I was indifferent to even "La Forza", I'm surprised that I ended up liking this one. Especially with how ridiculous it is! Let's be honest, this is a silly silly song! And that's why I like it! It has lyrics that COULD be taken seriously, sure...I actually kinda like the lyrics. They're clever. But...I'm unable to take the whole thing seriously. This is good "turn your brain off and listen" music for me. Yeah, there are many songs I'd rather listen to, but I'm happy this one exists. It wouldn't be Eurovision without stuff like this...Also, the "Nothing holding me down" part toward the end is extremely hard to shake. That too. Prediction: I'm beginning to think that Australia will always qualify. Their last two entries did not do well in the televoting and were carried by the juries. This one seems to be a BIT more popular, so it'll qualify without much problem. Honestly, I'm all for this! More silliness in the final, I say! ...As long as it doesn't place toward the top. It's not THAT good a song, guys...XD

Song: Limits Country: Austria Thoughts: I didn't like this song when I first heard it, not gonna lie. I didn't like the lady's "Love Injected"-esque voice, and I didn't like how it started building only to slow down again immediately afterward. But sure enough, a few more listens later, aaaaand...it grew on me. Not that I don't think it's one of the weakest songs - I'm still not overly crazy about it - but I just like it now. I got used to it, and I like it for what it is. It's harmless. Prediction: I'm really hoping this doesn't qualify due to it being my least-favorite song in the second semifinal. If it somehow qualifies, it'll be at the cost of a song I enjoy more, so it goes without saying, right? And so far, it's looking like it's not gonna happen, so that's good. I don't think I'll need to worry.

Song: Truth Country: Azerbaijan Thoughts: And we come to the first of my "borderline favorites", which are songs I really like and could become favorites in the final after actual favorites fail to qualify. I have a tendency to like Azerbaijan's entries, and this one is no exception! What's interesting about this song for me is that I kinda like the verses more than the chorus....if that makes sense? It's still got a good chorus, but the thing that sticks out to me the most about this song is the lyrics. I find them relatable in some ways, or at the very least, were relatable in the past. It can be HARD to resist a crush, especially when it grows, and when the person you have feelings for is dangerous in one way or another, you gotta tell yourself over and over to stay away, stay away, it's not worth it. Keep cool under pressure. They want to break you. Easier said than done, right? Also, this song gets points from me for being energetic and not angsty and whiny about it. Pretty much my only nitpick with it is that I'm still not 100% sure what the chorus is saying...I've come up with "Shut up and ride it", "Shut up and ride in", and "Shut up, I'm right here", before finally settling on the last one. XD (Last minute edit: Apparently it’s “Shut up about it”? I don’t hear that at all. O.o) Prediction: Should qualify without much problem. I know, I know, I said that last year too and that didn't happen, but this one's more popular! It's gonna qualify, and Azerbaijan will be back in the final! As for how well it'll place, errr...on the left side of the board, at least. Maybe JUST outside the top ten, since that's how their last few entries (before last year) have done.

Song: Like It Country: Belarus Thoughts: Something I'm gonna be doing a lot of in this post is talking about lyrics. It's true that good and/or relatable lyrics can make a song better for me, plus in Eurovision, stuff like that is completely optional, so it's a treat when we get it. Songs that tell a story are especially likely to win points from me...and then there's stuff like this that has none of that, and yet I absolutely love it anyway. Yeah...as this song shows, the most important part of music is the music. You can have a song that's basically about nothing and I'll be unable to get enough of it if it has a good beat to it, like this does! This song is sooooooo catchy!! I can't understate that! I felt like it had ingrained itself in my mind after only three or four listens! I feel like I'm almost addicted to this song! So, while lyrics I like can help my opinion of a song, what REALLY makes or breaks a song for me is how it sounds, and this one right here is one of my favorites this year just because I have SO much fun listening to it. That's all there is to it, really! Prediction: Barely any of my favorite songs are especially popular, as I've learned...but at least with this one, I can kiiiiiinda understand why it won't be everyone's cup of tea? I'm still obviously rooting for it, and I'll likely freak out if it manages to qualify, but I won't be holding my breath for it. I just wanna have my happy catchy song in the final, OK? XD I don't predict it'll have much of a chance, though...

Song: Wake Up Country: Belgium Thoughts: I didn't have a big reaction to this song when I first heard it, but I had the sneaking suspicion that it'd end up growing on me...and I was right! It's still not a standout, but I enjoy listening to it whenever it comes on. It has a good chorus, nice lyrics, and uh, yeah! Not much to say here, I just like it! Prediction: I'm not sure about this one...I guess I'll say it'll qualify? It's in the weaker semifinal, in my opinion, so it has a chance! It just needs to stand out a bit more...Maybe the staging will help it?

Song: The Dream Country: Croatia Thoughts: ...I wanna make fun of this song so much, but I know I'd just be lying to myself...Yes, this song is incredibly cheesy. A song about how you "dream of love" is way up there on the cheese meter, and this song is taking itself way too seriously....but GOSHDANG IT I like this flipping song! I can't help it! This is Eurovision, I've heard MUCH worse than this (looking at you, "Our Choice")! And the man can sing, OK? Those high notes, just...so good! He's giving it everything he has, to the point where he seems 100% sincere. Like this IS his dream, and he's gonna belt it out to the world to hear! I can't be annoyed at a song that sounds this good, no matter the subject matter... This might not be one of my favorites, but it's definitely my number one guilty pleasure this year. Prediction: Pffffttt, like this song has any chance in such a strong semifinal. XD

Song: Replay Country: Cyprus Thoughts: If I could sum up this song in one sentence it'd be this: Its title fits it. Why? Because it's just "Fuego" again. I'm not kidding, it's literally just "Fuego" with a different melody and a worse instrumental. Now, I don't think it was intentional - I'm not outright accusing Tamta of ripping off Eleni, that'd be dumb. But it still SOUNDS like a ripoff, is my point. It's not a good look. I really loved "Fuego", so having this the very next year, I couldn't help but be slightly disappointed...not that I dislike this song, I don't! I like it just fine! It's fun and upbeat, and I find myself getting into it sometimes! But the point still stands. I would like this song a LOT more if I had just heard it on its own and had never heard "Fuego" before. That's how it is, sorry...It's still a fun song, I'm not gonna deny that! Prediction: This song is currently pretty popular despite those things about it, so yeah, this is gonna qualify. I kinda don't want it to do THAT well in the final, but I can easily see this cracking the top ten.

Song: Friend Of A Friend Country: Czech Republic Thoughts: Eh, there's not really a lot to say about this one. It's...it's fine. I don't really find it that memorable, though. In fact, I might call this the most forgettable song this year, even though it’s still kinda fun. Because at least the songs I like less than it stand out to me by being the worst songs in my opinon. This one's just kinda there, like a song that exists just to fill time. If you like this song, that's fine! It's not bad! It's just...not that good, either. But maybe that's just me. I don't relate to the lyrics at all, so...eh.  XD Prediction: I really hope this doesn't qualify...there are so many better songs that deserve it more, even in the weaker semifinal...But as for an actual prediction, I honestly have no idea. A lot more people are paying attention to it than I thought, so maybe I'm just an idiot! Umm...I'll say that...it'll qualify, just by virtue of nothing else really sounding like it (See, I can be nice to songs I'm indifferent to!) Maybe it'll stand out more than I give it credit for. It won't be a big favorite, though, and especially won't be as big a hit as last year's Czech entry was.

Song: Love Is Forever Country: Denmark Thoughts: This is a cute song! Sometimes, that's all I need to like a song, but my favorite thing about this song is that there's MORE to it than just being cute. It also pushes a positive message! So, I could call it preachy for that, but I just can't. You can if you want, but I've heard a LOT worse than this. All this song is saying is that love is for everyone, and that's all! Don't think too hard about it! The lyric that makes this song for me is actually "Don't get too political" - it's quick, but it gets everything across perfectly. Because of that line, I know that this isn't a song trying to push some sort of agenda on you, and is actually discouraging getting up in arms over politics about something as simple as love. And then there's the last bit, where she switches between four different languages to get the point across, and it sounds really seamless! Overall, this is a really sweet song, but it didn't get as big a reaction outta me as the last few Danish entries have gotten. That's a really high standard, though. Oh no, Denmark aren't in my top 7 for the fourth year in a row? What a travesty! XD Prediction: Hmmm...I'm thinking this'll qualify. It isn't a front-runner by any means, but I think people will resonate with it. Sadly, this'll probably be at the cost of another song I like, but so be it. In the final, I don't think it'll stand out as much, probably placing around the middle of the board.

Song: Storm Country: Estonia Thoughts: Ooh, this is a really good one! Part of me wishes I could rank this song higher, but I can't due to how much I love all my favorites and borderline favorites. Still, this is a solid hit from Estonia. Great Aviici-like vibe, nice uplifting lyrics, and a great, energetic chorus...what's not to like? This is the type of song I listen to when I'm in a rut and need something to assure me that I'll be safe and sound. Oddly enough, there was a song called "Storm" last year that was about kinda the same thing...I liked that one, but this one is way better. Prediction: Obviously, I want this to qualify. And I do think it has a chance to! I won't be GUTTED if it doesn't, since it's not an absolute favorite of mine (and it's in the same semifinal as my number one favorite, so that's gonna be my priority mostly XD), but I'd appreciate if it did. More people need to hear this song. And Estonia have a good track record (when they're not being outright robbed *cough*2017*cough), so I'll be optimistic and say this'll qualify. I don't think they'll top how good they did last year, though. But speaking of my number one favorite...

Song: Look Away Country: Finland Thoughts: There's something you should know...and it's YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH FINLAND!! WooooooOOOOOO!! I can't believe they topped last year, but they DID!! This song is so good it amazes me! ...Yeah, if it wasn't obvious, this is my favorite song of the bunch. This song is just.....WOW. It brings on an emotion that no other song this years brings, and it does it SO well. Darude makes dance music, and you even get some of that here. Never before has fear and desperation sounded so fun, without sounding happy! Lemme say that again: It's not a happy song at all, but it's FUN to listen to! It's like a grander version of the standard "morbid party song", and to get that from a guy who's mainly known as a meme nowadays!? This almost makes me feel bad for that...If he can make music like this, he deserves to be known for more. Actually, the fact that this song has been overshadowed by the Darude memes kinda bums me out...This is a song that SHOULD NOT be slept on. It's amazing in every way...even more once you listen to the studio version, which is even better. I say that because the official video is a live performance. Listen to the studio version. It's a lot clearer. Finland seriously knocked it outta the park with this one, I stand by that! Prediction: Ugh....once again, my favorite song isn't getting nearly enough attention...It happened last year with "Stones", another awesome song that I felt deserved more, but ended up not qualifying. That better not happen to this song! PLEASE NO! It's even in the weaker semifinal! It can do it! I believe! I belieeeeeve!! Just.....sound good live then as it does in the music video...or even better! I swear, if this song doesn't qualify, I'm gonna chalk it up to "lol it's Finland" and "lol it's Darude" and nothing else. Put Finland in the final, I'm BEGGING, Europe...even if they don't do well in the final, which they DESERVE to, but even if they don't....at least they'll be there. ...Oh yeah, prediction. Well, obviously, I'm biased! Screw it, I'm predicting it'll qualify! The betters have gotten a lot wrong! They underestimated Eugent Bushpepa, and they're underestimating this!

Song: Roi Country: France Thoughts: Ooooh boy, this song. This was, hands down, the biggest grower for me this year. When I first heard it, my reaction was "It sounds fine, but it doesn't stand out all that much"...well, that opinion lasted a couple days at BEST. Because, while reading YouTube comments, I found out exactly what this song was about, and I was won over. For those who don't know, the singer is gay, and the song is about how he loves this about himself, and how he doesn't care what people think. Because he's a king. "Roi" means "king" in French. Once I learned this, my opinion of this song skyrocketed, as I realized how much this song's message will mean to so many people who watch Eurovision, and how many will relate to it. "You put me in a box, want me to be like you"...It's arguably the most meaningful song this year, so..."Doesn't stand out all the much" my hind end, am I right? XD After that, the more I listened to it, the more I liked it. I like how seamlessly it switches between French and English, and overall, it just sounds good. That's true even disregarding the lyrics and the message. This song may not be one of my favorites, but it's in my top ten, and is my favorite entry from France for a long long time. Prediction: Unsurprisingly, this song has become quite popular, and I'm glad it has! I wouldn't be surprised if France places high! Top ten, maybe? I think the televoters will adore this song. Not sure about the juries, though.

Song: Keep On Going Country: Georgia Thoughts: What's the opposite of "growing on you"? Would that be, uh..."shrinking"? This song right here shrunk on me, as stupid as that sounds. I kinda liked it at first - good voice, could tell it was emotional - but it wore thin on me suuuuper quickly...I'm sorry to the people who like it, but I could care less about it now. Normally, I like a good emotional ballad as long as it's interesting, but this one...it just stagnated. It feels longer than it does. AND there are better ballads this year. The vocals are the only thing keeping this from being my least-favorite. And again, I don't dislike this song, I'm just indifferent to it. Prediction: At least I don't have to worry about this somehow making it to the final! Hahahaha no. It won't. XD

Song: Sister Country: Germany Thoughts: Yet another song that's carried by its lyrics! Yeah, music-wise, this isn't anything special. The harmonies are great, but other than that, yeah. But the lyrics...the story this song tells is really heartwarming. Two sisters (or possibly just friends) admitting to each other that they're tired of fighting and wanna make peace...it hits me pretty hard. Not to say I'm brought to tears over it - that was LAST year's German entry - but it still touches me, as someone who grew up constantly at odds with my own sister. We're very...VERY different people, but we care about each other...that's what I get from this song. And there are some very good lyrics in here. "You were walking right beside me,but I left no room for you", "Calling you my enemy, when my enemy's right here", stuff like that. Even if there are a lot of better songs, I like this song because it feels REAL. And it's not boring, either, so that's good! Prediction: Oof...I don't think Germany are gonna do that well this time. If you don't relate to this song like I do, it doesn't stand out very well...I'm thinking this'll place towards the bottom. Sorry...I wanted them to keep doing well after last year! But I got a bad feeling about this one.

Song: Better Love Country: Greece Thoughts: Greece stepped up their game this year! This is a darn good song. It grew on me in a big way. I love how unique the voice is here, it really helps it stand out. I like her voice a lot! And you gotta love a good bridge! That's probably the best part of the song! This isn't one of my favorites, but I can easily hear the appeal here, and I'm happy that it's popular. Prediction: I wanna say this'll qualify, but that's what I said about "Oniro Mou" too, which seemed to be a shoo-in as well, but...eh, I'm gonna count on that not happening two years in a row. I think this is a better song than that was, anyway. So...gonna expect Greece back in the final this year! Heck, maybe this song will end up doing better than we think it will...

Song: Az én apám Country: Hungary Thoughts: ...Why have there been so many dad songs in Eurovision lately? ...OK, so two last year and one this year doesn't really count as "so many", I know. It's just an interesting trend I've noticed. XD Nothing wrong with wanting to appreciate your dads, though! I'm here for the music! But anyway, Joci, Hungary's representative from 2017, is back! I didn't even realize this at first, but now I can pretty safely say that I like the guy. I liked "Origo", thought it was a really cool and unique song. This one, while I don't think it's as good, is also really nice to listen to. His voice makes this song for me, I like it a LOT. And I like how different it is from his last entry. It proves that he can do different things and he's not trying to make "Origo Part 2". I remember saying something similar about Alexander Rybak last year.  Instead of a song that's half rap, we got a slower, more acoustic song that still has a beat to it. I love the last bit especially. It's a great "clap along" moment. Of course, I've listened to it with English subtitles now, and I think the lyrics are pretty touching, so that's a bonus. Prediction: I think this'll qualify. Hungary have been pretty consistent the past few years, and this song isn't nearly forgettable enough to stop that momentum. I don't think it's a front-runner by any means, but it'll at least make it to the final.

Song: Hatrið mun sigra Country: Iceland Thoughts: Well, this is certainly something different for Eurovision! Gotta say, I think I respect this song more than I LIKE it. Screaming has never been my thing, ever. I can tolerate it in small doses, but when a song is MOSTLY screaming, I usually won't like it. So, I thought that'd be the case here. But luckily it did grow on me a bit! It started when I noticed how good the instrumentation was, and started getting used to the screaming instead of cringing at it. It's FAR from my favorite, but that's all genre preference stuff and nothing against it. And c'mon, it's INTERESTING! If you ask me, one of the best things about it is how NOT Eurovision it is! Not just in a musical sense, but even the subject matter - I looked up the translation and hoo boy, did I never expect a song about hatred prevailing and destroying Europe to be in this cheery song contest. And I can't call it a downer because it's sooooo over-the-top with it! I feel like there's so much to dislike about this song, but I can't find it in me to do so! Like I said, it's interesting. (And it's certainly miles above Iceland's entry last year, which I didn't like at all) Prediction: And apparently Europe thinks it's interesting too, because this screamo song is currently in the top 10 picks for the winner in the betting odds. That completely baffles me...But at least I can safely say that it'll qualify for the final due to all the attention it's getting? Not sure if all of it's positive, though...However, songs with vocals like this often sound WORSE live, so either this song'll crash and burn badly, or it'll give Iceland their best showing since 2013, either or!

Song: 22 Country: Ireland Thoughts: This is yet another grower that I've taken to so much that I wish I could rank it higher! It's a really solid song that not only tells a story about trying to move on, but has an upbeat tone that contrasts with that in JUST the right way! It's decently catchy, too! I'm happy that I can enjoy an Irish entry this much, since I haven't in a couple years. Prediction: When I first heard this song, my first thought was "Wow, Ireland are actually trying this year! I think this might actually qualify! They did last year with a boring song that was carried by its staging, so qualifying with this should be easy!" ...buuuuut then I heard the rest of the songs and...yeah, I WISH this had a chance, but the competition is SO strong, especially in its semifinal. It'll be only the second song performed, too...I'd love to hear this in the final, but I won't be hurting too bad if it doesn't make the cut. It's not one of my favorites, I just like it a lot.

Song: Home Country: Israel Thoughts: I find that ballads tend to be growers for me when they don't leave a big first impression. If a ballad has good vocals, and it builds, it can win me over. Like this song! This song is not one of the more notable growers this year, but it's still a grower nonetheless. It's one of the slowest songs of the bunch, but it manages to not be boring, which is something I always like saying. Slow songs ARE NOT always boring. I love this man's voice a LOT. The second verse in particular is where it picks up for me. It sounds like something out of a musical...um, not that I'm normally a musical fan, it's just an observation. It's understandable that Israel wouldn't wanna win two years in a row, so sending a nice ballad like this was a good move. Something good, but not crazy unique...yeah, that probably wasn't intentional, whatever. XD Prediction: I have no idea how this song will do...I can see it being seen as forgettable, but since there aren't many songs like this this year, will that mean it'll technically stand out MORE...? Hmmm...Whatever the case, I can't see this on the top half of the scoreboard, especially with its competition.  

Song: Soldi Country: Italy Thoughts: If there's one thing I've learned from the last few years, it's that Italy REALLY wanna win this dang contest. Their entries have been consistently awesome (well, ALMOST consistently, I remember one misstep), and they STILL haven't done it! Makes me feel kinda bad, especially considering they really should've had it two years ago...but eh, I've complained about that one enough. The point is, the Italians keep on trying, and here they are at it again with this song right here! This isn't one of my favorites, but I can definitely hear the appeal here, although I'm not quite sure what it's about, even after looking up the translation...I think it's about people who pretend to care about you, but only want your money, which...yeah, I could see people relating to that. Still, it's fun and catchy, and I could totally try to sing along to this if I knew Italian. I think there are more fun songs this year, but I still like it! Prediction: Once again, the Italian entry is one of the betters' favorites, and I can see this doing pretty well in the final. I don't think this'll be the winner, but that might just be me comparing it to past Italian entries I liked more, hmmm...I wouldn't be opposed to it, though...? It'll at least be in the top ten, I feel.

Song: That Night Country: Latvia Thoughts: This is one of those songs that isn't even close to being a favorite, but still gets lodged in my head despite that! Last year, that happened with "Light me up, light me up, now baby", and this year, we got this song. This downbeat, simple song still manages to have a catchy chorus! It's weird, but true! I would NOT call this the catchiest song in the contest, not when the Belarusian, Polish, and Swiss entries exist, and really, it's only that one part in the chorus. But dang, I've caught myself singing "Lo-o-o-o-ove, where are you? Lo-o-o-o-ove, I need you" many times over the past month. XD But as a whole, this song's pretty sweet and kinda relaxing in a way, but nothing spectacular. Prediction: *ahem* No-o-o-o-o~! ...Sorry, I had to. Um, yeah, this song's not qualifying. Latvia's last entry was a lot better, and that one didn't do it, so this one's not gonna do it, either.

Song: Run With The Lions Country: Lithuania Thoughts: This song's pretty decent, but nothing special. I'm all for happy songs, but I feel like this one doesn't have as much energy as it should...Eh, maybe that's just me. I still like the lyrics, and the beat is fine. I like the little drumrolls during the chorus. It's just not too much of a standout for me....In that regard, it's a typical Lithuanian entry that I like, but don't love. Prediction: I wouldn't really count on this qualifying...It's in the (in my opinion) stronger semifinal, and could easily end up forgotten. But Lithuania have surprised me before, so maybe that'll happen again...? If they do end up qualifying, they will NOT do as well as they did last year, though. Not even close.

Song: Chameleon Country: Malta Thoughts: The pre-chorus of this song is sooooooo good! When life briiiiings you trouble, this I know~ We'll never walk away,nana~ Walk away, nana~ We are TEEEECHNICOLOR, watch us go~ Seriously, if the entire song was as good as that part, this could've been one of my favorites! And as it is, I still really like it. I love the concept of comparing "I can adapt to whatever you throw at me" to chameleons, I think that's really clever! I love stuff like that. It's true that I wish it had a stronger chorus than just "Chama-chameleon" a few times (which I can't help but mishear as "Karma Chameleon", shut up I like my 80s music), but that's only a nitpick. It's a strong entry, and good to see Malta still sending their best after getting robbed last year. Prediction: OK, THIS time, Malta will qualify! This has been rising in the betting odds a bit recently, and I'm happy it's gaining momentum! It's not one of MY favorites, but I still like it, and will look forward to it being in the final! As for how it'll do once it's there...I think it'll probably do pretty well?

Song: Stay Country: Moldova Thoughts: When you say something is your "second-favorite", it's sometimes not taken as a compliment, because it comes off as "Good, but not AS good as this other thing"! Well, here, it's completely the opposite. I LOVE this song so so so so so SOOOOO much, to the point where part of me wishes I COULD call it my favorite. Whenever it comes on, it FEELS like my favorite! This song leaves such an impression on me, and I can't really put into words why...It's just...everything works! I feel a lot of the same emotions from this as from my second-favorite last year, "Mall", in that there's so much raw emotion in the way it's sung, and that just elevates it to a whole new level to me...It sounds weird, but its true: The vocals are incredible here. But my favorite thing about this song is that it BUILDS. HOLY CRAAAAAP DOES IT BUILD. It gets bigger and bigger with each part, and it's soooo effective! And it all caps off with this SUPER AMAZING part with the drums, before the key change kicks in, just, MMMMMMMM, good flipping stuff!! Again, putting my love of this song into words is really difficult, just like it was with "Mall", so I guess the short version is: It gives me feels. And if a song gives me good feels, I'll love it. Prediction: As much as I wanna say the same thing as I did with Finland's entry here, I really can't. I COULD call this song underrated, but this might also be a case of knowing that it's...just me. Moldova are known for sending over-the-top, silly stuff, which this song is far from. And emotional powerbombs like this song aren't as popular, though they CAN be....I dunno, I WANNA be optimistic here, and say it'll qualify, but looking at how overlooked it is, I just can't do it....The second semifinal is chalk full of strong songs, so the chances of this one making it...I'll just have to pray that it's staged beautifully, or else...As it is, it's not looking so good. How I react depends on how Finland does in the first semifinal. But right now, I've mostly accepted the fact that my opinion of this song is in the minority, and that it...p-probably...won't...qualify...But at least I'll keep loving it.

Song: Heaven Country: Montenegro Thoughts: Guess what? Yet another unpopular opinion! I personally really like this song, and don't understand why a lot of people don't care for it. I have no problem with it! I like happy songs, and this one's got a unique sound to it that makes it stand out. Not to mention, I adore the vocals here! Especially the female vocals, I think those voices are gorgeous. I mean, I GUESS it's a little repetitive? But the repetition doesn't bother me one bit, especially compared to stuff like "Do It For Your Lover". Like I said waaaaayyy up there about Belarus' entry, lyrics aren't everything in a song. Sometimes all it takes is sounding good, and that's true here. I dare say this is one of my favorite songs from Montenegro for quite a few years! Prediction: Dead last in the betting odds, a country that doesn't have a good record with qualifying...Yeah, this song's probably doomed. I'd be pleasantly surprised if it qualified, though!

Song: Arcade Country: The Netherlands Thoughts: Well, I wasn't as surprised at this year's pre-contest favorite as much as last year's, that's for sure! This is a good darn song. My favorite thing about it is definitely its lyrics. Comparing a hopeless love to an arcade of all things? That's something I've never thought of before, and it flipping WORKS! It's crazy! Maybe it just works for ME since I'm a gamer with a crush, but  still! "Loving you is a losing game" is one of the best lyrics in the contest this year, I stand by that. XD Sure, the song starts off slow, but the chorus is worth the buildup. Especially the final chorus!  It took a few listens for me to take notice of the brilliance here, and I still wouldn't call it one of the standout songs for me personally, but I totally understand this song's popularity. Prediction: I could very well see this being our winner, unless some other song ends up usurping it live. Since it's not one of my favorites, I can't really say I'm rooting for it (of the top-ranked songs, I'm definitely team Sweden, and even prefer Switzerland too), but I certainly wouldn't mind it! The Netherlands haven't won in a suuuuuuuper long time! I still wouldn't put all my coins in this slot though (heehee), since things could always change...for now, all I'm predicting is that this song will qualify for the final, and place in the top ten.

Song: Proud Country: North Macedonia Thoughts: This is a pretty good ballad. I like it. It's not outstanding, but I don't think it's trying to be. It's going for the "simple yet effective" approach. Like any good ballad, it has strong vocals, and its message is pretty good too, letting you know that being proud and standing up for yourself is a-OK! Despite those praises however, I can't say it stands out all the much...I mean, I GUESS it's one of only a few ballads this year, but still...It kinda gets lost in the shuffle to me, which has sadly been a trend with the Macedonian entries the past few years... Prediction: This song is more popular than I thought it'd be, but Macedonia have suuuuuch bad luck at Eurovision that I STILL can't be positive this'll qualify. Especially since it's in the second semifinal - in my opinion, the stronger one. If it does qualify, good for them, but...I kiiiiinda hope it won't? I mean, I like it, but the second semifinal has such good stuff in there that this qualifying could come at the price of a song I like more....but eh, it's still a good enough song. If it does make it to the final, I don't see it placing that highly, though. This won't be another "Crno I Belo", is what I'm getting at.

Song: Spirit In The Sky Country: Norway Thoughts: One of my favorites! This is a song that I thought was cool the first listen, and amazingly awesome now. The best way I can describe it is...it's to this year what "Higher Ground" was last year - it has that atmosphere to it that just gives you chills, and I LOVE songs that can do that! Granted, I don't think this song is QUITE as effective as "Higher Ground" was, and there are definitely differences in that this song is more poppy than that was, but it's still an achievement! A song that has a magical quality to it while also having a boppin' beat! Oh, and the vocals on this are excellent, too. And the "joiking" is super cool, and...everything here comes together perfectly! This is one of the best songs this year, and I will go down defending it! Prediction: This is thankfully one of my two favorites I won't have to worry about in the semis (the other being Sweden). This song's getting a lot of attention, for good reason, and even though it's fallen a BIT in the betting odds when I last checked it, I'm still not worried about it in the slightest. Norway's good to go this year! I'll even predict a top ten finish here because I'm just that optimistic!

Song: Fire Of Love (Pali się) Country: Poland Thoughts: So, you know how I feel about scream-singing.....how about yell-singing? That's a unique thing that we don't get often, although it's tradition in a lot of places I understand...This is the kind of thing that not everyone's gonna like, but...I really like this song. It's one of my borderline favorites. It just sounds so goshdang happy, and that beat is infectious! This is one of the catchiest songs this year, right up there with Belarus' song. The unique vocals really add to it, too - I feel that if it was sung normally, I wouldn't like it as much. Stuff like this can be hit or miss with me, so I'm happy this one's a hit. Poland's taking a risk this year, and I hope it works out for them! Prediction: Hoo boy, this song's gonna be devisive...It's currently pretty low in the betting odds, so I'm honestly not expecting it to qualify. It all hinges on how it sounds live, I guess...as a fan, I really hope I'm proved wrong, but I wouldn't mind losing this one if my two favorites in the first semifinal make it through and it doesn't.

Song: Telemóveis Country: Portugal Thoughts: Like the Australian entry, this song confused me when I first heard it...even moreso since I didn't understand the lyrics. XD But it interested me, with its unique instrumentation, and after looking up the translation, I like it more now! I like the story it tells! Even beyond that, I think it sounds pretty good. I normally don't gravitate towards this kind of music, so coming across something like this and enjoying it was something I didn't expect at all. The downside of this song is that it wears on me if I listen to it too much, however, so it's not toward the top of my list...But still, good work Portugal, this is yet another entry from you I like! Keep it up! Prediction: I'm predicting that Portugal will qualify this year. Like I said before, nothing else sounds like it, and not in a bad way, so I can see it leaving a reasonable impact. The betting odds agree with me on this one. Not sure how well it'll do once it's in the final, though...

Song: On A Sunday Country: Romania Thoughts: This is a song that I know by heart, despite it not being a favorite. It's got a mesmerizing beat that makes me wanna sway along every single time, what can I say? I like how it slowly builds, but I also like how it sounded at the beginning with the guitar. The lyrics are great, too. It's about being unable to move on from a past love. This song won't be for everyone, but I think it's a good one. Prediction: Now that we know that it IS in fact possible for Romania to not qualify, I'm....honestly not sure about their chances. I believe that their last entry was a better song, and that just BARELY didn't make it...plus, it's in a very solid semifinal. Hmmm...I'll say that...it sadly won't qualify. Going off the betting odds for this one, since I have no idea otherwise. I can see people thinking it's a bit too plain of a song...Maybe Moldova will help, maybe it won't be enough...If it does qualify, I'll be pretty happy, though!

Song: Scream Country: Russia Thoughts: Last year, Russia failed to qualify for the final for the first time ever. THIS year, they're not playing around. They brought back the guy who won the televote in 2016, Sergey Lazarev! Naturally, I was excited about this, since at this point, I think I can safely call "You Are The Only One" one of my favorite Eurovision entries EVER. It's up there, at least! This song, however, isn't as good, but only due to the bar being set too high. XD This is a great song! It's very hard-hitting and emotional, with great lyrics about fighting inner demons...I mean, c'mon, after loving the heck outta "Monsters" last year, it should be obvious right now that I like songs about that, right? However, even with all the praise I can sing about this song, it's not one of my favorites. Only due to competition, though! Prediction: This is easy!  This is one of the favorites to win! It's currently up there with the Netherlands! I have a hard time deciding which of those two I like more...I think this one? But I'd be fine with either or. But the point is, it's gonna qualify and do really well in the final. This is a top ten song! ...I say top ten to be safe. I've been doing that after what happened two years ago. XD I could very well see this winning if it's performed well, though! And I'd be fine with it!

Song: Say Na Na Na Country: San Marino Thoughts: This song is SOOOO much fun, oh my god! It's amazing just how much better this is than the last time Serhat was in Eurovision! "I Didn't Know" was a song I could only like ironically, and now he gives the world THIS! You can still easily tell it's him - his voice is distinct - it's just that now he's not trying to be smooth, he's trying to have fun. And oh boy does it work! What's funny is that this is yet another "Let's cut loose and have a good time" song, and I like it SO much more than Lithuania's entry in that regard. It's  more upbeat, and it's got so much more going for it! Yes, it's goofy, and yes, it's not deep at all, but it's not trying to be. Just listen to Serhat's ridiculous voice and have a good time. If this were a weaker year, this could've been a borderline favorite for me, but since there are quite a few songs I happen to like more, I can't rank it any higher. Prediction: Yeeeeaaaahhh....no. From what I've seen, the people who like this song REALLY love it, but it won't be enough to get San Marino in the final. I'd be more than happy to be proven wrong, but I don't think that's gonna happen unless something really crazy happens. I'll be perfectly fine with seeing it once live, but it's not final material for sure.

Song: Kruna Country: Serbia Thoughts: Oh my god, the pipes on this lady! What a voice! What an amazing voice! And the way the song builds after the first chorus, mmmm, good stuff! Yeah, this is another song that I wish I could rank higher. I'm always so focused on my favorites, and whenever this song comes on I think "Oh yeah, this song exists and is really really good!" I get that reaction from a few songs, but this is definitely one of the bigger examples of that. I really do adore this one. I love the lyrics, too. It's just a declaration of love and devotion, simple as that, and daaaaang does she sell it! Prediction: This is pretty low in the betting odds, but I honestly still think it has a fair chance of qualifying. Serbia have a pretty good track record, and this is a solid entry from them. This song could end up creeping up on people and winning them over like it did me!

Song: Sebi Country: Slovenia Thoughts: And we come to my least-favorite song this year...Gotta put the mandatory "sorry if you like it" comment here before saying that...this just isn't my thing. I obviously do have the ability to like downbeat stuff, but this just doesn't do it for me. The singer sounds half-asleep, and if the singer doesn't sound interested in what she's singing, why should I be? I know there are people out there who like that type of vocal (my dad does, off the top of my head), but I'm not one of those people. This gets absolutely no reaction out of me whatsoever. Maybe I'd like it more if I could understand the lyrics? ...But on the other hand, the fact that it's in Slovene is arguably the most interesting thing here, so I dunno about that. And y'know what? I'll say this: If this is the worst Eurovision 2019 has to offer, than that's a pretty good thing! Because this is FAR from the most boring song to come out of this contest. Heck, this isn't even the worst Slovenian entry I've ever heard, either. There ARE times where it feels like I could almost come close to liking it, mainly due to the instrumentation, and that's more that I could say about my least-favorites from previous years. The last three years there's been one That One Song that I can't stand, and this doesn't even come close to that. I'll take indifference to that any day. Prediction: I wish I could say this has no chance of qualifying, but I think it does...Seeing it getting more attention from the betters than the songs from the first semifinal that I actually love is mildly upsetting. But since I don't feel anything either way for it, I guess it being in the final would be...fine. As long as I get stuff I like alongside it.

Song: La Venda Country: Spain Thoughts: FUN! I like fun songs! And I like how many fun songs there are this year! Dang, this is a good one...just a solid burst of energy, the kind of music you listen to for a good pick-me-up. When I hear this song, I don't hear someone trying to win a competition, I hear someone just wanting to party! There's not really much else to say, because I think that about sums it up. It's a lot of fun and makes me smile! Eurovision in a nutshell, really. Spain's entry last year didn't leave much of an impression on me (to the point where it took me a couple moments to remember what it was), but I have a feeling that won't be the case this year. Prediction: Like I said, this is just a happy feel-good song, not winner material, but I really do think Spain could got outta their bad streak with this. It's been getting a fair amount of attention, and it definitely stands out! This is the most solid Spanish entry for quite a while, and I think many people agree with me on that.

Song: Too Late For Love Country: Sweden Thoughts: Feels great to have Sweden back in my top 5, since the last time that happened was with "Heroes"! Their entries can be flipping incredible, and this song is just THAT! HOOOOOLY CRAP this song is SOOOO GOOD! Like with Moldova above, I can't even articulate everything I like about this song! I'll try though...*ahem* Good singer! Great lyrics! The way the song comes alive at the chorus JUST as the lyrics get the most uplifting! Not to mention those two simple words, "HEAR ME!" carrying so much weight...And the flipping CHOIR, my god, it fits in perfectly and adds so much! It's SUCH a big song, such a grand declaration of love, and I'm a sucker for everything in it! What's more to say? I love this song! It's very solidly my third favorite in the contest, and, no joke, my favorite Swedish entry since the famous "Euphoria". Not sure how many people will agree with me on that. XD Prediction: It should come as no surprise that out of the betters' favorites, this one is my favorite, though being ranked fifth doesn't mean it's an absolute front-runner once the contest starts...Still, I'm team Sweden all the way! I'm not expecting this to be the winner, but anything less than the top five doesn't do this song justice. And, well, at least I won't have to worry about this one not qualifying, unlike my top two!

Song: She Got Me Country: Switzerland Thoughts: And we come to the last of the big favorites! The one that nearly EVERYONE on YouTube has in their top five, and honestly...I can see why! This song is a ton of fun, simply put. It's catchy and has great instrumentals that make you wanna dance along! But, uh...I can't be the only one who liked Switzerland's last entry better, right...? They actually sent my favorite song last year...So there was no way this song was gonna live up to that for me. XD I loved "Stones", and it didn't make it to the final. The fact that this one is getting so much attention COULD bother me for that reason, but it doesn't. I can recognize a really fun song when I hear one, and this is just that. Not only that, but with how Switzerland's record is, ANY entry of theirs getting this popular is a treat! It could've been overlooked, but it hasn't, because it's just that good! Prediction: This song would have to sound REALLY bad live in order to not qualify. XD And I'm not counting on that to happen! Welcome back to the final, Switzerland! In fact...I hope I don't eat my words for this, but...This might end up being their most successful showing of the 2010s...There's not much competition for that, mind you, so I'm pretty much just saying "They'll do better than they did in 2014". Yeah. XD

Song: Bigger Than Us Country: United Kingdom Thoughts: And we finally come to the last song...and daaaaang is it a good one! Yeah, believe it or not, the UK's entry is one of my favorites this year! I LOVE this song! It takes the sincere cheesiness of Croatia's entry and pumps it full of everything I love about Sweden's entry, if that makes sense - the vocals on this are incredible, and the buildup is one of the best! This song gets bigger and bigger as it goes, until it reaches the point where it doesn't JUST feel like love is the thing that's bigger than us, but also this song. Whenever I listen to this song, I feel nothing but joy. Complete and utter joy. Maybe this song isn't as technically impressive as, say, "Never Give Up On You", but for me, this is the absolute biggest reaction I've gotten out of one of the UK's entries since 2014. Good. Flipping. Stuff. Prediction: Sadly, I feel like this song's not gonna do as well as it deserves...The UK have struck out with the televoters the past couple years and it's really brought them down. I hope this'll be the year that trend is broken, but given how strong the competition is....eeeehhh...Maybe they'll do better than last year? But any more than that, I dunno...It's sad, since this is one of my favorites, but at least I won't be surprised....unless it does unexpectedly well! In that case, sure, I wouldn't mind being surprised! ^^

And that's all of 'em! Are you still here? Did you read all of that? If you did, good work, I applaud you. XD I'm definitely a rambler. But here's the part that really matters: my ranking!

Favorites:

1. Finland 2. Moldova 3. Sweden 4. Norway 5. UK 6. Belarus 7. Armenia

Borderline Favorites:

8. Poland 9. Azerbaijan 10. France 11. Estonia

Like:

12. Switzerland 13. Serbia 14. San Marino 15. Croatia 16. Ireland 17. Russia 18. Malta 19. Spain 20. Netherlands 21. Montenegro 22. Romania 23. Hungary 24. Italy 25. Belgium 26. Greece 27. Cyprus 28. Denmark 29. Albania 30. Germany 31. Israel 32. Iceland 33. Lithuania 34. Latvia 35. Portugal 36. North Macedonia 37. Australia 38. Austria

Indifferent:

39. Czech Republic 40. Georgia 41. Slovenia

[monkey-network]

WarioWare: The Series Season 2 Episodes

52 Episodes, Season 3 Coming 20XX. Season 1*

Business is Booming: Wario’s house blows up and nobody wants to take him in except Penny... without Crygor Sr’s permission. So Penny does her best to hide the 200+ lb man from her grandfather while bots are sent out to fix the house.

WarioiraW: One of Orbulon’s pets, a gelatinous blob that can take the form of any being, escapes and takes the form of Wario. This fools everybody in the fact that the fake is friendlier than the actual one. Even Wario, who plots to take advantage of his impostor’s kindness.

Spare the Rod, Don’t Spoil the Child: 9-Volt must wait to see a movie, one 18-Volt saw at an early screening. Known to be a blabbermouth, 9V does his best to shut out 18-Volt and spoilers of any kind before the event, which puts a strain on their friendship.

Jimmy Two Shoes: Jimmy T. wants to watch a game, but his tendency to not say no gets the better of him when everyone suddenly needs him.

Cricket and the Octopus of Fortitude: Young Cricket has to take care of Master Mantis’s pet while he goes to the doctor. The octopus doesn’t take kindly to Cricket’s overprotective nature, so it tries to outwit the apprentice with some outside help.

You’re Not Funny: An anonymous joke is emailed all across DC and everyone is laughing themselves stiff... except for Ashley and Mike, the latter believing the joke wasn’t sent just for the heck of it. The two go to uncover the truth, and it may be up to the not funny Ashley to snap people back to reality.

Fronkenstein: Feeling inferior due to his size, Snag, 9V’s Fronk, goes to build a new body for itself.... using body parts from the WarioWare gang.

Taxidermy: A customer hops into Dribble and Spitz’s cab and must compress his urge to make stuffed animals out of them, while the driving duo are completely unaware of his serial reputation.

The Nunja: Kat & Ana meets Artie, a wolf ninja who’s confidence is more than her actual skill. They see that’s she’s talented in a different field, but are conflicted to tell her the truth when she truly wants to be a ninja like her family.

One Perfection: A new student arrives at Mona’s school, and is seemingly flawless in everything they do. Mona feels inadequate compared to them, until she finds out a secret insecurity about them that she wants to help them with.

Monday Night Manor Madness: It’s a rainy day and the WarioWare gang coup up at a reluctant Ashley’s house. All goes well until a haunting spirit starts to spook everyone, with even Ashley unexpectedly shuddering at the thought of encountering it. What’s the spirit’s true intentions, and how is Jimmy not afraid of ghosts?

Meet The Sellouts: One of Wario’s schemes causes massive damage and the animation budget crashes due to the medical bills. So Crygor comes up with a way to work around this while Wario spams a bunch of ads subliminal messages to hopefully make money back.

Animal House: Mona’s pets and Kat & Ana’s pets join forces to commit a supermarket heist.

Ode to the Stone: 9-Volt makes a new pal out of a rock, glue, a sharpie, and googly eyes at school. Immediately losing interest, he tosses it and it not only reaches the rest of the gang somehow, but their hearts as the lifeless friend helps them see a new perspective about themselves.

The “Hero” Gains: Lulu* feels like she lacks a special hero attack, so she goes around Diamond City to see if she can have one of her very own. But like Wario always implies, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

Drone Alone: Doris 1, the robot Crygor rescued from Agate forest, is left to take care of the lab while the doctor and Mike go to Penny’s talent show. Time unfortunately puts Doris on an emotional journey when an hour feels like an eternity.

Sea of Green: After a successful treasure hunt, Wario is stranded in the middle of the ocean with little to eat besides a bag of edible cacti. The cacti might leave an effect on him, but it might be the big guy’s only chance of making it home.

Late Night Cruise Control: When not on the clock, Spitz hosts a talk show that gives the latest news and brought in tons of celebrities. But when ratings start to drop, will our mechanic resort to low hanging fruit to garner back an audience, or can Dribble the music pitbull pick the show up from this funk?

Full Metal Jacket: Manager Joe, Mona’s employer and friend, creates a clothing line based on the WarioWare gang and everyone is loving it. But business becomes an empire and Joe starts losing that generous side he had, leaving Mona to bring him back down to earth.

Krumpet Scouts: 18-Volt is trying to earn money for a limited edition video game cover, but is too young for a job. He tries joining a cookie selling gang, but it’s for girls only. So he asks 13-Amp to join in his place.... while dressing up as a girl to make double the money.

Pyoro Over: The creators of Pyoro are retiring and the WarioWare gang set out to give them an explosive send off celebration since it was the company’s inspiration.

Your Greatest Feeture: Cricket’s shoes wear out and the young ward is struggling to find the right pair. But is the loss of his slippers an opportunity to learn a new technique?

Two Fros on a Sofa: Jimmy T and Jimmy P encounter each other at a bus stop and luckily finds a comfortable sofa to wait. The sofa, however, is actually a prototype rocket Orbulon left behind and the two have to work together to land the couch safely.

Flavorful Fallacy: Orbulon, realizing he left his couch in the middle of the city, goes to see where it might have gone. He meets an old man, who has a prejudice against aliens, and the two start to fight over which flavor of ice cream is better.

The People v. WarioWare Inc. (Part 1): A chipper and well meaning cult leader creates a lawsuit against the WarioWare gang for their unintentionally ludicrous crimes in the city. Wario doesn’t believe there’s a case against them, but testimony and evidence suggests otherwise and even with Mona knowing the law by hand, the gang can’t find a loophole to their reckless nature.

The People v. WarioWare Inc. (Part 2): The gang is about to serve jail time for their pretty criminal deeds of the past, but Wario’s encouragement and a special hint from the audience helps them realize that while they’re guilty, scapegoating the right person can lead to a means of escape.

Bored Games: Since the trial put everyone on edge (and house arrest), Jimmy invites the gang over for game night. Wario can’t join them, and this creates a vacuum as to who is the 2nd most conniving opportunist in the group.

Scientifically Supernatural: Ashley and Penny team up to create a being of both magic and nature and get along pretty well. The project, however, starts to rampage the town and the two fight over who’s responsible, with Red as the mediator.

Double Dribble: Dribble and Spitz enter their cab into a Rocket League type derby that puts their driving and piloting skills to the test.

He’s Back, An Unfortunate Revenge Story: Wario escapes from prison and plots to get his revenge on the one who put him there. Or ones...

The “Hero” Movie: Lulu enters a home movie into a film contest and wins thanks to Wario’s meddling. So after getting persuaded into competing for state, Lulu turns to Wario and he agrees to help if she constantly pays him, resulting in the two making “Ryno Optimus II, A Sequel to the Chosen One: The Unreckoning”

Mona’s Stop: Mona finds out that her checks have been sent to the wrong address for a while and she becomes a multi-millionaire. Knowing she’s been working pretty hard already, she retires early to become the queen of Diamond City. This would be around the time Wario tries to swindle her out of her fortune, but he’s surprisingly happy for her.

Head Boppin’: Jimmy, Jamie, James, Papa, and Mama T. have switched brains somehow. Getting back to normal seems easy... if the family didn’t act and sound nearly the same.

The Lazy Day Saints: Another couch related episode? Yeah, except this time 9-Volt rebels against his mother and chore day by turning the sofa into a pirate ship with Snag, 18V, Penny, Kat, and Ana as his crew. Knowing 9-Volt won’t back down without a fight, 5-Volt and the neighborhood moms fight fire with fire, using lazyboys as their vessels.

The Ultimate Foe: Cricket faces the most horrifying challenge of his life: a slab of silly putty.

Awww... Crap, Love: Ashley falls for a demon she spawned from the Necronomicon. And while Red tries to stop the demon from unleashing hell unto town, 5-Volt and Mona try to teach the stone faced witch about love, romance, the birds an- wait she learned that already, so just the first two.

Your Opinion?: Wario posts a negative review on a movie he watched, and the city turns against him. He easily ignores them at first, until everyone becomes nastier than him and the internet comes to life to kill him.

Join us for T-Posing: Dr. Crygor accidentally sets off a gas that forces everyone to silently stand in tree position... except Wario because it’s too hard for him. So I GUESS it’s up to him to reverse this before they’re all stuck like that? Ouch.

Magic Mike ACT: 13-Amp works well with music on the mind, but a challenge has arisen in the form of a standardized test... in a soundless classroom. Desperate for a beat to work with, she looks to Mike to join her in staying cool while dealing with the work and the no nonsense teach.

Spacecataz: Does anyone know how fictional characters are able to breath in space without helmets or oxygen? Eh, doesn’t matter... cocky alien hunter Spiff Gibbous* is back to destroy Orbulon, this time the WarioWare gang is in tow. It’s Star Wargames, ya’ll!

Knitwit: Dr. Crygor takes a major interest in knitting and this makes him a laughing stock among other mad scientists. Discouraged at first, Crygor soon schools his hecklers about the ingenuity of threading and needling.

Wario Und Pantser: In a 60s style episode, Wario-Man and Dynogirl (Mona) are on the case to find the criminal who’s been pulling people’s pants down.  

Flipping the L: Waluigi gets to be in this episode... and doesn’t know what to with his screen time. So what’s a reject to do besides immediately erase the show’s universe all together and come up with his own?

The Shuriken Heart of the Cards: 9-Volt wants to join Kat & Ana on their special delivery, Ana more accepting while Kat worries about him being a potential burden. However, when they get ambushed by skilled ninja.... card players, it’s 9V’s time to shine.

Stereo Street Fighter: An old foe of Master Mantis returns with a new style of fighting that towers Mantis’s more ancient techniques. Cricket, with the help of Jimmy T, try to master a new style of martial arts with the power of funk. The perfect time for Cricket to sport a rocking afro of his own.

You Have to Go: Death has come for Wario, but continuously gets sidetracked by the gang when they’ve yet to find the special treasure he buried somewhere.

Cadillacs & Yoshisaurs: I forget this is also Mario’s universe sometimes. So anyway Yoshi eggs start appearing in Diamond City and everyone’s loving them. But they’re then caught between raising pretty rowdy animals and letting a Magikoopa poach them away.

The LIVE WAHundredth Episode (Yikes, this many?): Wario is eager to celebrate the show’s special episode on stage, but somebody kidnaps the gang and leaves them in the middle of a forest, forcing everyone to work together to head back to the studio. In the meantime, Lulu and Joe are forced to entertain the audience and start to have fun with it.

Quid Pro Wario: Young puppies look to Wario for lessons on becoming con artists, with Jimmy P not taking this well.

How to Stop Worrying and Love the Cruise: 9 and 5-Volt are on a ocean liner they won in a sweepstakes and aren’t taking it well, with 5V struggling to have fun and 9V getting seasickness.

Get Nasty: Mona makes a painting everyone has mixed feelings towards it for being too obscene, so she tries to go wild with her art to get better publicity by being more shocking.

Wario’s World (Hour Long Season Finale): A fart fueled nuke sends Diamond City into a post apocalyptic setting, where a grown up Lulu leads a resistance against the Immortan Wario’s greed fueled wrath, Empresses Kat & Ana are at war with Cricket, Dribble, Spitz, and Orbulon fighting off a colossal meteor, and the only one who could possibly bring everyone together is Mike, 18 Volt (now 21 Volt), Red, and Ashley, who is dying from the putrid radiation.