#all i know is angst im sorrrryyyyyyy

[artsyriv]

Three Vignettes of Grief (TAZ NC Day 2)

Ok... so I was working on a piece anyways, so this was a good way to make it all fit. My prompt today was three for @taznovembercelebration, so we have a post-Ep 28 Amnesty fic for today :,)

Ned was a coward. He knew this, he had run from the truth for years, but still he knew. He knew he was a coward.

Maybe it had started as a child, some sort of aversion to pain or disappointment. He... he wasn't the most liked in school and so he just tried his best to ignore it. He was good at putting on a brave face.

He wasn't good at it now. Dani was rushing towards the crowd, and his legs were moving even as his brain fought him every step of the way.

Maybe it had started as a want to avoid his trouble with the law. Maybe it had started as a teenager, sticking to petty theft until it no longer felt ok. He had started with stealing from the local store with the beautiful hand sculpted pieces, but once the store closed, he felt that guilt consume him. But still he never tried to rectify his actions.

He was scared shitless, running towards Dani, who looked hungry. Her own hunger made him remember that he hadn't eaten today, too busy running from place to place, trying to undo the damage done.

He thought of french onion soup, and of Duck. He thought of their shared moment where they had been so happy. He thought of Duck finding out about the betrayal and bit down his sob.

He wanted that. He wanted companionship, his body warm from the fire of the ski lodge and the taste of hot soup. Because at his core, Ned was no hero. He was the biggest coward ever known to Kepler.

And yet he was the one running for Dani.

He thought of the letters in the Cryptonomica, of leaving an extra line for Aubrey. 'Aubrey, I saved your girlfriend. Please let this be enough to atone. Please please please.'

He was still writing pleases in his head when he slammed into Dani. It hurt and every muscle in his body was rigid and poised.

Dani was hungry and she was coming right for him but that was ok. He had done what he could. Nobody else had gotten hurt.

He thought of Aubrey, his friend....his former friend. He thought of trying to get her medical help while she was furious at him, her teeth bared as she yelled at him. He thought of how it was all his fault.

There was commotion all around him but that was alright. He was just Ned after all.

The stars were beautiful, and Mama was saying something. Mama was good people, he was sorry he stole from her. The stars were beautiful, and people were running and shouting but the wind was louder. And that was ok.

After all, he was just Ned. Ned The Coward Chicane. 

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Aubrey was no stranger to grief.

It haunted her constantly, chasing her from day to day until she allowed herself to feel it, or numbed it out. She thought she was doing better. She thought she was better.

She had told Ned to clean up the mess he had made. Instead, his body was laying on the ground in front of her. Mama was saying something, but Aubrey couldn't hear her.

Ned couldn't be dead. She had told him to leave.

Blame spreads like wildfire with that thinking.

Every face in the crowd was to blame, but the one that Aubrey kept settling back on was her own.

 Tears burned as Mama tried to hug her but it wasn't the time. She didn't deserve that comfort. Not right now. Not anymore. 

Later that evening, on Duck's couch as everyone from the lodge spread out around town, Aubrey let herself weep. She had found Ned's letter, had read it over and over and over again. She wondered if he knew how much he meant to her. How much she had cared about him. 

How much she didn't hate him. 

She missed his big bear hugs, his sense of dramatics. 

It had been a day at most since their fallout but she still found herself replaying every scene in her head. She had told him to leave when he was trying to help her. 

And he had left her with two gifts. Two gifts that made everything inside her raw and painful. 

He had saved Dani. He had sacrificed himself to save Dani. And while she was grateful for that, how could she not be, it made her last conversation with him that much more difficult. 

He had told her to hate him. 

She couldn't do that. 

Especially not with the second gift. 

His name. 

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Duck wasn't an emotional person typically. Sure he got angry and he was over the top in terms of dramatics, but he wasn't sad typically. Sadness was for other people. He was just him. 

But as he read the letter quietly, trying not to disturb Minerva next to him in his bed that had always felt just a little too large and empty except for now, he felt the tears come unbidden. He wiped them away quickly. 

Ned had been a great friend. 

Sure, he was strange and always a little too eager to leave a situation, but he had always stood up where it mattered most, and that was what had gotten him-

Duck turned towards the window. Snow was falling again, but the main thing he saw were flashing lights. The UP and police had closed off topside, which made sense all things considered, but he could certainly do without the noise level, the constant sirens and helicopters. 

Aubrey was sleeping on the couch, Billy had new company with the other sylphs. In the morning, they would make a game plan, figure out how to survive without Ned. 

Duck cleared his throat and reached for his glass of water before realizing it was empty. Oh well, he had been up for a while. 

Walking down the hallway felt different. He felt different. Empty. Lacking life in some respect. 

He stopped by the living room, noting that there was sniffling coming from the direction of the couch. 

Duck wanted to run from this. Run from this conversation, this interaction that was sure to make them both feel more sad rather than less. But if Ned could do it, so could he. 

Duck knocked on the wall softly. 

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In the morning, they would come up with a game plan, figure out how to live without Ned. 

But now it was time to grieve.