#all I've ever wanted from these games was some fucking closure

[pinacoladamatata]

SO i was literally typing my thoughts on da4 all out right before the dragon age name change dropped lmao

idk man I'm just, like I want to be excited so bad, but it's also like, I am convinced it'll just be another short trailer with reused footage again and like nothing to actually get me excited about it, like more information on what kind of fucking game this is bc it's gone through several? big development changes.

Like I want to be excited, bc it was fun to be excited for BG3 patches during early access and up to full release. But this ain't that. And like the entire reason I bought bg3 early access was because of a single screenshot of Halsin. Like that's all it took. And I just kind of doubt da4 is gonna show anything that could hook me bc I'm holding massive resentment over here🤣

Things that would actually be interesting and valuable to me would be like, is this a single or multiplayer game? Will it be online only or offline? At least some companion reveals that are not cameos.

Because honestly as it stands I don't plan on buying this one. At least not at first. It's gonna need to be out and I'm gonna need to see some lets play/reviews before I even think about spending money on it. Which is kind of sad because I never thought I'd be ambivalent about a dragon age game but here we are.

Ofc if we do happen to get some amazing news and everything looks promising and they exceed every expectation, then yeah. But, let's be real. it could happen, but it won't.

as for the name, like i don't care. i think they both sound silly. again. too much resentment and bitterness in me.

[bingbongsupremacy]

This might be bad but could you write a Steve Harrington story where he left the reader for nancy after they were secretly dating bc she’s plus sized. Then once he cleans up his act he writes her a letter. I was thinking it could be based on closure by Taylor Swift! Thank you !

Closure

This isn't bad ! I can totally do that. I listened to the song for the first time today so I hope you like this! Also, This is going to be a two part piece. I wanted to give some background context so that's what this first part is about. I'll be working on part 2 soon. I hope you don't mind.

Pairing: Steve Harrington x plus size!reader

Warnings: I'm not a basketball player nor have I ever been a manager. Honestly I've never really been to a basketball game so I'm not sure if this is all super accurate. Pls let me know. Cursing, Use of Y/N, use of the word girl, some self doubt.

Series Summary: You never knew Steve could be so shallow. When he leaves you to date Nancy Wheeler, you're left with a pain you thought he'd never leave cause you. Maybe you should've stayed friends.

*Not Proof Read* Stranger Things Masterlist

Pt. 1 Pt. 2 Pt. 3

*****

Teenage love. Powerful. Fast. Fun. Potent.

The first boy I fell in love with was Steve Harrington. How couldn't I have? His perfect hair. Beautiful eyes. His flirty smile.

Every girl liked Steve at one point or another.

Steve and I grew up together in Hawkins. We never had the same classes together, but boy, I knew of Steve. We finally officially met in high school when I became the manager for the Hawkins High Basketball team.

Freshman Year - 1981

" Alright guys, huddle up. " Coach Ryan shouts to the sweaty boys drilling around the gym. " This is our manager. You will treat them with respect, you hear? I want none of that bullshit that went on last year. You got that Seniors? " Coach Ryan sends a pointed look at the upperclassmen. " If I hear of anyone disrespecting our manager, you'll be running on bleachers for the next month. I'm serious. "

What an introduction.

I shift slightly, a little uncomfortable with the gazes of the boys. I send a small smile to the team, trying to calm myself. " Hey, guys. Let me know if you need anything. " I scan the group in front of me. My eyes land on a familiar face on the back row. His friendly smile sends a wave of butterflies fluttering throughout my body. My eyes linger on him for a few seconds before I force myself to look away.

The last thing I need is for him to realize I like him. How awkward.

The coach makes a few more announcements before he dismisses the boys to the locker rooms.

" I needs you to gather up the balls and take them back to the equipment room. " Coach Ryan nods in the direction of the small closet on the other side of the room.

" Sure thing! Anything else? " I ask, reaching down to pick up one of the stray balls.

" Not that I can think of. I'll be in my office if you need me. " Coach Ryan nods a goodbye before heading towards the boys locker room where his office is located.

I look around the gym. Abandoned basketballs lay scattered around the gym. This is going to take a minute.

I pull the metal ball holder behind me as I begin picking everything up.

" Here ya go. " A voice startles me from behind.

I turn to see Steve holding two basketballs under his arms. He sends me a small smile.

" Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. " He sets the basketballs on the top rack.

I smile back at him. " It's all good. I scare easily. "

Steve jogs over to one of the balls a few feet away from us, swiftly picking it up.

" Oh, you don't need to do that. I've got it. It's my job anyway. "

Steve shakes his head, a looks piece of hair falling in front of his face. " I don't mind. It's kinda fucked up you have to clean up our mess. "

I shrug. " I mean, I signed up to do it. "

Steve nods. " Why did you sign up to be a manager? "

" Honestly, to get out of class. " I feel heat begin to spread over my face at the sound of Steve's laugh. " I hate biology. "

" Whaddya mean? Mr. Jackson's a world-class comedian. You're telling me you don't like his cell jokes? " Steve grins.

I cringe, memories of Mr. Jackson's awkward dad jokes and the silence following filling my mind. " I could do without. "

" You know, I don't think we've actually ever talked before. " Steve points out while heading towards another ball. Instead of returning it to the cart, he dribbles it towards the hoop closest to us. He shoots it into the hoop, the ball making a loud sound as it returns to the ground.

" Well, we've never had a class together. " I shrug, taking the ball from him as he hands it over to me.

" What a shame. "

Does Steve like talking to me?

" I mean, that doesn't mean we can't start now. We're gonna be stuck together for the next few months. "

Steve picks up the last basketball. " True. I gotta go get changed before my mom gets here. It's been nice. See ya tomorrow? " His eyes steadily hold my gaze.

I nod. " For sure. "

Steve's smile widens slightly. " Later, Y/N. "

" Bye Steve. " My throat feels tight from excitement. I can't believe that just happened. Steve knows I exist. He knows I exist! And he actually likes talking to me! This...this is fucking great.

Sophomore Year - 1982

" Hurry the fuck up, Y/N. " Steve groans, his sweaty forehead pressed against his forearm. He lazily leans against the now empty bleachers, his eyes following me as I finish writing down the total of money the team made off of concessions.

" I told you that you didn't have to wait for me. I have shit to finish up here. " I nod towards the clip board in front of me.

" I'd be a shitty friend if I left you here. What if you get...kidnapped or some shit. I'd be first on the suspect list. "

Friend. I'm only his friend. Gosh, I need to get over this stupid crush. I mean, it's been over a year since we met and he hasn't said anything about liking me. Why would he like me now? He's into girls like Chrissy. Why else would he flirt with girls like her and not with me? If he liked me he'd tell me. Right?

I roll my eyes, trying to shake off my thoughts and focus of the impatient boy in front of me. " Great to see you care about me so much. Definitely isn't because of your reputation. "

Steve lets out a small laugh. " You know I'm fucking with you, right? "

" I know. Look, I'm almost done. Grab your duffle from the locker, will you? By the time you get back I'll have everything finished. Plus it'll give me a break from your whiny ass. " I joke.

" Ouch. And here I thought you loved me. " Steve holds a hand up to his heart, humor clearly in his tone.

For a moment my heart begins to race. Love. He knows? He doesn't know. Shut the fuck up and be normal. He's a friend. Just a friend.

" What made you believe that? Tommy's obviously my number 1. "

I'm not the biggest fan of Tommy. He's hot a cold. Somedays he's decent, other days he's a complete shit head. He's changed a lot since middle school.

For a moment something flashes over Steve's expression. Surprise maybe? Annoyance? As quickly as it comes it's gone. His playful expression returns. " I'll be sure to let him know that. "

" Don't you fucking dare! " My head snaps towards him. " I'll kill you, Harrington. I'm not even joking. He'll never let me live that shit down, even if it's a lie. And Carol will beat the shit out of me. "

Steve raises an eyebrow in amusement. He leans back against the bleachers, crossing his arms. " Don't worry, I'll sell tickets for the show. I'll even cheer you on. "

I roll my eyes. " Of course you would. "

" I'm gonna go grab my stuff before the janitors lock the locker rooms up for the night. " Steve laughs, pushing himself up. " Hurry the fuck up before I leave you here. "

" You wouldn't dare. "

" Watch me. " With that, he strolls towards the direction of the locker rooms. His strides ooze with confidence, a kind only Steve can emit.

Steve truly is one of a kind.

Junior Year - 1983

" Are you going to prom? " Steve asks out of the blue. He doesn't bother looking up from his text book.

I swallow harshly, heat climbing up my cheeks. I hate when people ask me this. " Nah. Prom's overrated. "

Steve's eyebrow quirks up. " So you're a dance hater? "

I shrug. " I just don't see what the big deal is. Blowing a ton of cash for one night? I'd rather buy new records. " I debate whether or not to tell him the next part. " Plus no one's asked me. " They never do. Why would they when they could ask someone like Carol or Chrissy?

Steve finally looks up at me, his gaze finally meeting mine. Shock is evident in his expression. " Really? You haven't been asked? "

I shake my head, heat crawling up my face again. " Why would I? In case you haven't noticed, I don't really have a ton of guy friends. And my friend pool isn't the largest. "

Steve sends me a sympathetic smile.

Instead of comforting me, it annoys me. He doesn't understand. He's had girls asking him out and asking him to dances from the moment he was allowed to go to dances.

" Anyone would be lucky to take you. You're a great person, Y/N. "

I roll my eyes, laughing slightly. " Yeah. Lucky. "

Steve's eyebrows furrow. " Why are you laughing? I'm serious. You're like the coolest person I know. "

" Then you have a very unique perspective of the word cool. " I glance up at the clock on the wall behind him. " Shit, I told my mom I'd run to the store and pick up some potatoes for dinner. I'm gonna be late. I gotta go. " I rush to gather my notebooks off of the library table.

" Do you want me to take you? " Steve asks, getting up after me.

I shake my head. " It's fine. It's just down the street. You keep studying. Lord knows you need to. Gotta pass that calc test in Jones' class tomorrow. " Truthfully, I just want to get out of this conversation and I'm worried that if Steve gives me a ride it'll just reignite the topic.

" Are you sure? I really don't mind taking you. I can always study at home. "

" I'm fine Steve. Plus, if you try to 'Study' at home, you're not going to get anything done. I know you. "

Steve rolls his eyes. " I love your confidence in me. With your reassuring words I can do anything. "

I let out a small laugh. " Shut up. "

Steve grins.

Fuck he's perfect.

I need to get out of here.

" I'll see ya later Steve. " I wave at him, pulling my bookbag over my shoulder.

" Later, Y/N. Walk safe. Call me in an hour or two so I know you weren't kidnapped or forced to join a circus. " Steve's joking but a part of his expression seems serious. Like he's actually worried about me.

I let out a sigh. " I'll be fine but I'll call you. "

I wish I was the type of person boys would ask out. The type that don't have to do anything for people to crush on them.

But I'm not.

++++++

" Y/N, Steve's here! " My mothers voice calls up to me.

What? Why's Steve here?

Confused, I head downstairs. As soon as I reach the bottom my eyes widen. Steve's still in the doorway, a small box in his hands. His hair is styled perfectly, like always. He's dressed in a fancy suit, something I've only seen him do for fall sport award nights or very special occasions.

" What the...? " I finally get to the bottom of the stairs. " Steve? What's going on? "

" You're going to Prom with me. " Steve holds out the box, his comment more of a statement then a question.

" I don't have an outfit! " I protest, confusion still fogging my mind.

" Just put on whatever you have. Come on, Y/N. It's prom. You need to experience it at least once. Why not with me? "

I feel my stomach begin to churn. Steve's taking me to prom? What fucking dream have I been blessed with?

I chew on my bottom lip. " I'll be back. " I turn to run back up the stairs.

I can't believe I'm going to prom with Steve.

I do my best to get dressed quickly. I manage to find a semi appropriate outfit for the dance and we head out.

" Dinner first. The dance is at 9. " Steve pulls into a familiar diner. It's the diner the whole team eats at after winning a game.

" Oh, you forgot to put on your corsage. " Steve opens the small box, gently taking out a beautiful corsage.

" Oh Steve, you really didn't have to do that. " I stare down at the beautiful flowers. " This is too much. "

Steve shakes his head. " I want you to have a prom to remember. You deserve it. "

I send him a smile. " Thank you. You...you're really the best. "

His smile widens, sending butterflies through my body. He gently puts the corsage onto my wrist. His fingers are cool. They leave tingly sensations on the skin he touches.

For a moment it's silent. I try to find a way to calm my nerves.

He's your friend. Just a friend.

" Actually, Y/N. I also wanted to talk to you about something. " Steve breaks the comfortable silence.

" Yeah? Go for it. " I take a sip of my water, my eyes staying on him.

For the first time he looks nervous. Like he has so much to say but he doesn't know how to.

" Are you okay? " I ask, slightly concerned. He's always so confident. He knows who he is and he's proud of it. It's something I've always admired.

Steve nods, pulling his eyes away from his water cup. " I'm just going to say it. Fuck. " He runs a hand through his hair.

My heart begins to pound faster. What's going on?

" Fuck, I hope this doesn't make things weird. That's the last thing I want. Look, I really like having you as a friend... " He starts.

What the fuck is he going to say? Now I'm nervous. Does he have another girlfriend? Someone who doesn't like him being friends with me?

"-But...fuck, look I like you. " He blurts out, a small blush crawling up his cheeks. " I've liked you for years and I really want to be more than friends. And...I don't know if this makes it weird. If you don't like me, I completely understand. We can just pretend this shit didn't happen and go to prom and never talk about it again. I really don't want to make you uncomfortable-" Steve rambles.

" Steve. " I try to interrupt.

" It's just been something I've struggled with for years and fuck, I don't want to keep it from you. Not when we could potentially be something more. I mean - "

" Steve. " I try a little more forcefully.

Steve's clearly stuck in his head because he doesn't seem to hear me.

"-I just don't want to have any regrets. Especially about you-"

" Fucking hell. Steve Harrington, I need you to shut the fuck up for a second. " I say louder, attracting the attention from an older couple nearby. " Sorry. "

Steve looks at me with wide eyes, clearly not expecting my reaction.

" Let me talk. Please. " I look into his eyes, excitement bubbling in my chest. " I like you to. Fuck, I never thought this would happen. "

Steve breaks into a wide grin. His shoulders relax and he seems less tense. " You do? "

I laugh slightly. " I mean, yeah. You're funny, you're talented, you're nice. You're the whole package. Steve, you're one of the kindest people I know. It's hard not to like you. "

" Oh my...thank god. I was so nervous you weren't going to feel the same. " Steve leans back into the booth seat he's in across from me.

" Me too. "

Today really has to be a dream.

" So...do you want to be my partner? " Steve asks, his gaze holding mine.

I smile. " I'd love to. "

Senior Year - 1984

" I'll see you after class? " Steve grins at me. He pushes away from the lockers he was leaning on.

" Of course. I'll meet you at your car. "

I watch as Steve walks away. He's immediately swallowed up by the crowd.

Thing's have been pretty good. Ever since we started going steady, things have been really nice. Of course, some people in the school don't really approve. It's hard to ignore sometimes but we try. Not everyone agrees that Steve should date someone like me.

It hurts.

But what's important is that we're still together. Despite the shit people say, we're trying.

Sometimes I can see it gets to Steve. He's lost a bit of respect. It's so fucking stupid. I don't understand why people think it's so important for him to date a certain type of person.

Sometimes I feel guilty for us dating. Sometimes his teammates can be dicks. They don't see what he sees in me.

It doesn't matter. As long as we're both happy, that's what's important.

++++++

" Look, we need to talk. "

Those are the first words I hear when I get into Steve's car. His jaw is tight. He avoids looking at me.

" Oh, yeah. What's up? " I ask, confused about what's going on. " Are you alright? You look tense. Did something happen in fifth period? "

" We need to break up. " Steve blurts out. He still avoids my gaze.

My eyes widen. " What? What's going on? Steve, look at me? "

" I'm done, Y/N. I need out of this relationship. "

What the fuck happened? We were fine literally an hour ago. What the fuck is going on?

" Why? Steve, what the fuck are you talking about? "

I feel my heart begin to break at his words.

Steve shakes his head. " I just-look, you're a nice girl, Y/N. But...I can't date you anymore. " His voice waivers slightly.

" Steve, what did I do? " My voice crackles. I feel tears prick at the back of my eyes. " What the fuck happened? "

" We don't look good together, Y/N. "

His excuse is fucking stupid.

" Since when have you cared about what other people think? Why now? "

Steve swallows harshly. " It's different now...I...you...we can't do this. You hear what they say about us, Y/N, don't you? What they say about you? "

Anger begins to bubble inside of me. This is what it's about. " It's me. You're embarrassed of me. " I'm silent for a second, trying not to let the tears come out. " Fuck you, Steve. "

Finally Steve looks up at me, hurt flashing over his face.

" You're an asshole, you know that? Since when have you given a fuck about someone elses' opinion? You're really doing this because of what other people have said? You're just like fucking Tommy, you know that? Like all of the other shallow assholes going to our school. " I open my door. " I hope you're happy. You'll finally get your spot as King of Hawkins back. I wish I'd never met you, Steve. "

" Y/N-" Steve begins, his arm reaching towards me. " I'm sorry- "

" Fuck you. " I slam his door, rushing away from his car. I hear a snicker as I walk past a few of the cars. Tommy and Carol whisper to each other, their harsh gazes glaring holes into my frame.

Steve's always had a bit of a reputation for being a dick to certain people. He's had a bit of a bullying streak. I thought that shit was over. I thought he'd grown out of it, I mean he was never mean to me.

I was wrong.

+++++++

Two days later he started dating Nancy Wheeler and I quit being a manager for the basketball team.

Fuck you Steve Harrington.

[irksomeartie]

so i'm shit at advertising myself but the migueli tag here is tragically quiet, so in the vain hope that there's more than like.. three of us out there i'm just gonna post links to all the migueli fics i've been working on because i'm hoping it'll inspire more people to read my shit, think "i can do better" and go write more migueli. please. i'm fucking starving here.

I will be standing right where you left me

Rating: M, 100K+ words (still being updated)

Multi-chapter, canon-divergent AU, mostly drama with some moments of fluff, comedy and a heavy dose of angst, smut in later chapters

A friend leaves, a war ends and life goes on. But even after five years, defeating Cobra Kai, becoming a version of himself he can just about live with, graduating college and standing ready to face the unknown terrors of adulthood, Eli still hasn’t quite gotten over Miguel’s disappearance. When he and his friends take a trip to Mexico to celebrate their graduation, he’s hoping for some closure. What he finds is Miguel.

Just Can't Escape You

Rating: T, 8.5K words

Oneshot, canon-divergent AU, hurt/comfort, mostly angst but gets fluffy by the end

Feeling isolated, frustrated and still suffering the effects of a spinal injury he was only just starting to accept was going to be with him for life, the last thing Miguel was prepared for was a former friend showing up at his home unannounced, but maybe one last chance to really talk about eveything that had happened was exactly what was needed to get both of their lives moving in the right direction again.

Time for Something New

Rating: T, 7K words

Oneshot, coffee shop AU, romantic comedy, some very mild angst but mostly light and silly

Eli has been watching the cute guy who frequents the same cafe as him from afar for weeks, wishing he had the confidence to actually try speaking to him, but change is always difficult, no matter how much you want it.

put my heart in a spin

Rating: T, 4K words

Oneshot, ambiguously AU (idk. canon doesn't exist in this setting), comedy with some fluff

Spin the bottle is not a game Eli would ever want to be dragged into, especially not when one of the other players is the friend he's been secretly crushing on for years, but maybe this time fate will be kind to him.

[put-me-out-of-my-destiny]

Proposing V for the ask game, if you're still doing it?

My favorite thing about V:

On a narrative level, he represents the best quality of DMC5, it's fleshing out of Vergil. I love that deep down, underneath the fear-driven quest for power, Vergil is a soft goth boy who loves a particular poet so much he makes it his whole personality. Plus, I love the interpretation that he looks so young because Vergil lost so much of his life to being Nelo Angelo.

On a gameplay level, I love how you can make V constantly taunt while making his minions fight.

My least favorite thing about V:

On a narrative level, as much as I love his voice and design, it would have been so cool if he was a woman instead. Besides the Implications, it would be a neat way of nodding to his human mother. Also, I've been told that the literary character that Urizen is named after is a part of a dyad, the other half of which is a female deity. And DMC5 sorely fumbles it's female representation anyway, having a playable female character might have won it some points (though realistically, there's a good chance they would have fucked up her design, and the hate toward her playstyle would be so much more vitriolic).

Speaking of playstyle, on a gameplay level, I do enjoy playing as V, but the moveset definitely needs more development. I don't like that V's evasive actions require his familiars because you have to interrupt their combat (and even Griffon's attack charging) in order to use them, even though the whole point of V seems to be multitasking. Plus, the hidden range limit for the minions can really screw you, especially considering that Shadow's attacks can easily take it outside of that limit, causing it to teleport back to V's side and interrupt your attack strings. And what's sad is that due to unpopularity, there's a real chance that we won't get to see a new iteration of this playstyle.

(There's even a series in my pinned post all about a certain character ending up in this position, just saying).

My favorite line by V:

It's hard to say, since he has one of the best if not the best vocal performances in the game. I do like that he says "it's my turn to play with the Devil Sword" at one point.

My "brOTP" for V:

I love his friendship with Griffon. It's a shame it got no closure whatsoever because the writers decided they wanted to magically wipe away Vergil's trauma via DMC1 callback boss fight.

My "OTP" for V:

I don't generally like ships for Vergil, but one that I would entertain is one with Lucia. I see the humor in her meeting a man who's just as handsome as Dante but with none of the charm, and realizing she's actually fine with that. Plus, Vergil is far more comfortable with his demon side than his human side, and I think that would extend to Lucia. He would think her devil form is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and he'd be right. Lucia deserves a handsome loser boyfriend who loves the demon in her so much that she learns to love it too, especially since he also comes with a giant stoic tree man with sharp teeth and tentacles, and of course our favorite poetry-lover.

My "nOTP" for V:

Nero x V is sadly popular, even though they're literally father and son. And even when talking about just V, not Urizen or Vergil as a whole, I don't care for shipping him with Lady. She doesn't even fucking like him, nor should she.

A random headcanon about V:

I think his cane is tied to Rebellion in some way. Perhaps it simply contains some of the same materials, which is why it's good at conducting demonic power, and why it allowed him to reunite with Urizen.

An unpopular opinion about V:

While I am firmly in the "V and Vergil are the same character and that isn't a bad thing" camp, I am sympathetic to the wish that V was his own character. I cannot fault someone for loving V but not finding Vergil interesting, and I don't think it's worth getting mad at them over.

A song I associate with V:

Besides Crimson Cloud? There's a "combo mad" sort of video from time to time titled Void Violin, it features some good music.

My favorite picture of V:

That gif of him tripping and dropping his free taco.

[so-no-feint]

(ACT3/ENDING/KARLACH SPOILERS BELOW; YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)

I finished the game and had some thoughts about stuff and things.

After finishing the game yesterday, I sobbed for a good 15-20 minutes about Karlach's ending. My party consisted of tav, Astarion, Shadowheart and Karlach. Astarion's waning sunlight protection was predictable, but still sad. I had romanced Shadowheart, so happy ending there.

But Karlach?

After everything she'd been through - 10 years of slavery under Zariel, her heart gone, unable to get close to anybody - and her closure is kicking the bucket anyways? Fuck, man. That was brutal.

Hours searching for the infernal iron to repair our favorite barbarian's engine-for-a-heart, gentle words, loving hugs, affirmations. I wasn't ready for her dialogue after we killed Gortash. Her anger and despair were so, so, SO excellently voiced by her actress and it absolutely fucking broke my heart to hear the ever-strong Karlach shatter like glass in front of us.

Her last request from us, the player, in camp before you venture off to fight the Absolute (assuming you progressed her enough to see the dialogue) being that she wants us to be there with her in her final moments just killed me, man.

Karlach deserved better (not really a dig on Larian - I understand she was the last character to be designed and added). She deserved her escape from Zariel's claws; she deserved the happiness we gave her in our adventures throughout the campaign; she deserved all of it and most of all she deserved to fucking live! We cool off her engine just enough to give her the first hug she's received in over a decade.

We give her that happiness, and its robbed from her anyways. All because of Gortash and Zariel. And we could be there for her, in her final moments; but never close enough to save her. Not really.

Sure, we have the choice to send her back to Avernus with Wyll; sparing her the painful, burning death she'd face if she stays with us in this plane. But did you speak with Karlach at all through the campaign? You'd know that she'd rather die than go back, even if Wyll could be with her. I, personally, couldn't rob her of that. I couldn't take away more from her than she'd already lost; that choice was hers and hers alone.

I'm glad, at least, that before our fight with the Absolute, Karlach is able to find some solace in us. The party, your avatar, whoever you so decide to attribute Karlach's contentedness to. But after Gortash, Karlach realizes that no matter what, she had been happy because of you. You, who broke her untouchability, showed her love and grace and kindness and adoration.

Our bright, bubbly and burning-hot Karlach. Fueled by her emotion and her rage and her wants and her love.

I think that, despite everything being against her, our favorite tiefling was happy. We made her happy. She expressed her love to and through us. And us being there for her as she faced the last ultimatum she would have to decide on gave her all the strength she needed.

Carry on, soldier. You did so well. Thanks, Karlach, and thank you Larian for creating one of the most unforgettable experiences I've had in a long, long time.

[faeriedaez]

I don't know. I do feel better now. Catharsis, I guess! But it's interesting to me, it's always been interesting to me really, how when you walk away you give up any control of the narrative. Feelings will change and inform the memory once you've turned your back.

I've always struggled with the delusion that every situation could have been solved with the right combination of words at the right time. But I really can't shake the feeling. If during those late nights in your room I had told you the kinds of things he was saying to me on a daily basis, how would this story have gone? Or when I had asked you to please reach out and get involved, if I was more forthcoming about how overwhelmed and over my head I was feeling how might we have tackled this together? Or if I had admitted these regrets earlier, how much more human might I seem to you two? An obsession with hindsight, I guess. Like in most cases, it always seems a question of who fires first. Often, that's it. Once they've set the narrative it's an uphill battle to change it. Now I'm the bitch, and even when I sit here begging one of you to tell me what exactly I actually did wrong, I'm told it's clear I'm unwilling to learn from this. It's a bit ironic that I can list more of my own faults in this debacle than you can and still get told that.

It's funny you know, because I did it on purpose. I never wanted to talk about him to you all behind his back. I never wanted to be responsible for changing how you all saw him, the way I felt forced to. (Besides, he never liked me telling folks he hardly knew. Can't imagine he'd have liked me telling y'all.) At the same time, I knew he'd never extend me the same favor. Honestly, I even encouraged him not to. I desperately needed him to have SOMEONE to vent to about me that wasn't ya know... me! By time we had broken up, I was already deep in the sinking feeling of who was getting the two of you in the divorce. After all, me and you never could fix things after the move. If I understand correctly we were both waiting for the other to fix it. Which is pretty classically us, to be honest. As for me and you well, at times it felt like you could hardly tolerate being in the same room as me. I'm not so proud that I can't admit a lot of that was likely just in my head but it was how I felt. Dyke drama is a hell of a drug.

So if I saw this coming, and even sat idly by and let it happen, why then is it such a hard pill for me to swallow? Well for one knowing a train is coming doesn't make it hurt any less when it hits you, even if you could have gotten off the tracks. Secondly, I suppose I always expected you all to have SOME understanding, or at least SOME curiosity, of the other side of the story. Why I might have done what I did. That you all at least might get that I had given up, not because I didn't care about the two of you, but because he needed the two of you more than I did. That we might never be close the way we used to, but there wouldn't be bad blood after I withdrew from the group as a unit. But I know I have always assumed myself more transparent than I am. I'm told that's an autism trait.

I guess, what I really didn't expect was frustrations and emotions I had admitted to him about the greater situation, long before we had broken up, to make their way to the two of you. That much really did take me off guard. It's honestly funny. Hilarious, even. Like really Stephen, you're lucky I'm not playing, because we BOTH know that isn't a game you'd fucking win. But I grew up surrounded by people who played those sorts of games and I lost my taste for them fairly quickly. I learned pretty early on that if it works on someone, then that someone is worthless to me. If even after 8 odd years hearing I had committed the thought-crime of not having enough fun while trying to help hold the group together puts enough bitter in your stomach to write me off as some bitch well then, what would I ever want from you but closure? Closure I can get just as cleanly by making a vaugepost that likely neither of you will see but HE might.

So that's it. I won't pretend I'm not going to miss us and miss you all, but I will keep moving on regardless, hopefully wiser for whatever comes next. It helps I think, that I had mourned this possibility so long ago. Perhaps, that's another way I contributed to this outcome, a defeatist attitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy after all. But believe it or not, before that little spat at pride, I really still thought the 4 of us would all work it out in the end. That someday we'd be playing elf-games, confiding in each other again and this would all be some awkward period we could leave behind us. But that little explosion was the final nail in the coffin of me ever trusting him again, and if I could never be comfortable with him, we would never be the four of us again. That was all I meant by leaving the group chat. I tried to make it clear I wasn't writing ANY of you off by leaving, honestly not even him. The future is a long stretch and someday he and I might one day trust each other again. But whatever the future looked like, it wasn't going to be us four. But hey, who can blame you for shooting the messenger.

peace ✌️

[fastcardotmp3]

For the ask game!!

62 - Thoughts on cliffhangers?

76 - Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of Metamorphoses? 

ooh!! love these thank you anon <3

✨fic asks✨

62. Thoughts on cliffhangers?

I think from a fic writing perspective and the sort of inherent episodic nature of watching a story get written in real time, there is something particularly fun about a cliffhanger. As a reader you get to meltdown about it to the actual writer's face??? hell yeah?? and as an author you get to talk to real actual people anxious for closure while you're still actively writing the closure??? it's so DELICIOUS. And from a more general storytelling perspective, I really do think it's just like any other narrative device, right? Like any trope you use can be used to both your advantage and your disadvantage as a writer, and half the battle is being able to tell which direction it'll go. I love a well-timed cliff-hanger mid-series, something that makes me really think about where the story is going and what all the different outcomes might mean for my favorite characters, but there are also instances where it just doesn't work. Like I've talked about Hopper's non-death before, but that button where we find out he's alive but not where or how? That's a cliffhanger. And it's a bad one. Because in a case like that the closure of Hopper's death was more deeply impactful than some vague "oooh he's still alive hehehe" could ever be. The closure is thought provoking about character and plot and where do we go from here whereas the cliffhanger is just sort of. anti-climactic. makes everything we just went through feel pointless. you know? The short answer could have been "it depends" here but when have I ever shut up in my life....

76. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of Metamorphoses? 

Oh, for sure! I can't remember everything I ended up passing on but I can give you a couple! One was that I wanted to go more in-depth about the people Kas actually killed. I had a whole plotline in my head about how during the time he was in the UD before the Final Battle, the Feds sent down soldiers to get eyes on the place and it was Kas's job to take them out, thus forcing Eddie to have actual, literal life blood on his hands. Forcing him to know what it feels like to break a human person's neck or rip out his jugular or whatever. I ultimately scrapped it and left it vague because I simply didn't have time within the story to give him one more thing to cope with, but I think maybe it's a story/ universe all its own worth exploring one day. And the second is that I wanted to write a single chapter from Steve's POV, right after Eddie turns himself in to Owens and disappears. I wanted to see the fallout from the other side, the questions about whether Eddie was dead or captured or hurt etc etc. Giving El's comment about "Steve yells now" a proper standing in the story and stuff, you know? The more I thought about it though the more it fucked with the pacing and would've kept us in the Lab for too many consecutive chapters, but I still think about writing it as a standalone sometimes if that would be something anyone would want!

[demonio-fleurs]

i was tagged in a 20 Questions meme!

sorry for taking so long to respond, i can be kinda lazy sometimes and was waiting to be able to use my laptop <3 but ty for the tag @iam-jacks-redacted-information !!!

let's dive right in!

1 ) How many works do you have on AO3?

28!

2) What’s your total AO3 words count?

120,637 (owo)

3) What fandoms do you write for?

Red vs Blue, Spider-Man, World of Warcraft and SPYXFAMILY are what are listed on my ao3 profile. I've done my most amount of work in the RvB fandom, but i've also written a LOT for The Hunger Games, Torchwood, and (sadly) Harry Potter and Twilight. Just... not on ao3.

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Next Time Around which is an RvB rewrite w/ Tex surviving outside of the Epsilon memory unit, instead of being erased by Church at the end of s9 (which i still need to rewrite and finish waaah) Closure which.. I genuinely don't remember writing. Scars which I wrote on behalf of someone who wanted more non-sibling Carwash fics a cup of coffee in the morning which I wrote after a desire to see more of Wash's tastes/interests changing after the implementation of the Epsilon AI it's all in your head aka, a cute lil thing I did for fifteen minute ficlets that I need to get back into for SPYXFAMILY and twiyor.

5) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes and no. It depends! I am an awkward person so if I know how to reply, I usually will especially if it's something i can answer! However, if it's something where i can't really think of a good response I might just leave it, or come back to it later.

6) What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uh... i tend to not write angsty endings. I like happy endings, I like knowing that despite everything, happiness can still be found. Like I LOVE angst, but I also like rewarding myself with some happy endings.

but one time I wrote about Cinna's death from THG so.... does that count?

7) What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I've never finished it, but my intended ending for Next Time Around was to have Tex going to Allison's grave on Earth with Carolina and Wash and laying down Forget-Me-Nots, before going back to live out the rest of her time with the Reds and Blues.

8) Do you get hate on fics?

Never directly, but I also don't really remember a lot of 2015-2018 because of cringe :'). I do think a lot of Peter/gwen fics got indirect hate from peter/mj fans which sucks because Peter has TWO hands!

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I have orphaned most of my smut fics, but yes. I have done some basic ass vanilla guy eats out a girl stuff, but my favorite is the kinky sapphic smut. If you ever stumble upon a Tex/Emily Grey smut fic by an orphaned account, that was me :)

10) Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No, they're just not for me.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No but last time I checked in 2021 someone had stolen my fucking background/about section from Tex RP blog and that was a COMMON problem I had in the RvB RP fandom on here. So. much. fucking. theft. of. my. god. damn. about. page.

And I put hours of work into it. Hours. It was detailed, and people just keep fucking stealing it somehow.

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I am aware of!

13) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

errrr...... Trying to rack my brain but coming up with a blank. i've written fics as favors/gifts for people though! Usually a "I have this idea and no idea how to write it help me pls Ange" thing

14) What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Church/Tex. Something about the inherent doomed by the narrative of it all, how no matter how hard Church tries to pull her close she always drifts away from him, the levels of love and trust they have towards one another.... Like they are DOOMED lovers but also they kinda both know that and that's what makes it so difficult.

15) What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I really really wanna go back and re-do and finish Next Time Around, and after playing NieR Automata that desire is even more present. but also, one piece is my current hyperfixation so I have no idea if I ever will.

16) What are your writing strengths?

oh. oh god. oh. um. hm.

Probably my short, punchy sentences. Where not a whole lot is being said, but the impact is still really strong and the emotions of what I'm trying to impart are impactful.

Also, my inner character monologues. I love that shit. Lemme open up their mind and tell you their entire secrets

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

Combat and physical descriptions B)

Combat is just... Idk. So much going on and it's so hard and you have to be really good about the descriptions and the motions and movements or else it's all a mess. And physical descriptions just... I'm a byproduct of the cringe era so I always worry about how my descriptions will sounds T-T

18) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

/shrug

I have never attempted to create my own fictional language, and I probably never will. It just isn't for me. I am planning on trying to pick Japanese back up, as when I was a wee child I knew it fairly well, but lost it as the years went on.

19) First fandom you wrote for?

Shugo Chara! or Sailor Moon

20) Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Next Time Around is my current magnum opus but it also unfinished and I have no idea when I will pick it back up.

And that's a wrap! Thank you again @iam-jacks-redacted-information for the tag!!! I appreciate it, and i loved reading through your responses! Plus it made me go back through my old ao3 archive and see what I have written which I haven't done in a minute.

Anyways <3 if you wanna play this game please feel free to, and tag me in it! I always feel awkward tagging bc I still don't know a whole lot of people on here anymore QwQ

[banana-milk-enthusiast]

beat Forspoken, and while I probably will write an in-depth review down the line cuz i have many thoughts, I'm just going to pointform my basic thoughts while it's still fresh.

PROS

Great designs all around, the Tantas look so breathtaking with their extravagant designs and yet it doesn't take away from their world, it fits just right in. Absolutely love it.

Good world building most questions i had were answered either through the main story or extra archive stuff. Nothing felt too weird yknow

Gameplay gameplay gameplay. The magic system is literally amazing. I dont think I've had this much fun fighting in an rpg in a long time. Theres so much fun variety so you can focus on whats comfortable for you while also looking sick as fuck. Have i mentioned how good the battle system is cuz i avoid playing mage in every game because its such a slog but here its so fast paced and hits hard. Perfect for me.

The music is soooo good, I love the main theme and find myself humming it literally all the time.

Great graphics but maybe a lil too many particle effects but otherwise really pretty.

The story is technically a pro. Like its good, not bad, not great, just good. Basically something you'd find in the YA Fantasy section, thats the kinda quality it was. Which isn't a insult I did enjoy the story and characters. It just needed polish, fix up the dialogue and trim some of the story fat and i wouldn't have any complaints tbh. Probably would do better as a book series tho ngl, not sure what game format would have saved it.

Shoutout to the accessibility options. I'm glad more games are including these. I'll never understand complaints about them though, like just dont use them if you dont want/need to thats it.

ALMOST FORGOT THE COOLEST THING. THE NAILS. I'm sorry but the idea of using nail art to inscribe magic runes to give you buffs is the coolest fucking idea ever, why has this concept not been used till now. We always see rune tatoos or written on gear and stuff im fantasy media but this is such a neat ideaaaa and im forever thankful for it. Her capes are cool too I guess, with there was more variety rather than recolors tho. Kinda wish we could also get different outfits for her tho. Those jeans probably chafe.

CONS

THE OPEN WORLD IS SO BIG FOR NO GODDAMN REASON. I honestly wish this wasn't an open world game tbh, its so unnecessary. Halfway through the game, i got so frustrated and ignored everything that wasn't story points cuz getting everywhere takes so damn long, especially early on when you dont have fancy parkour or stamina. Easily its biggest fault for me.

I understand they thought it'd do way better than what happened but planning out a story as a trilogy in the gaming industry is not a smart move. I've yet to play the dlc so idk if we get closure but the loose ends werent a great way for the game to end.

Oh, the dialogue. Its easily one of the gamest weakest points. Like the type of dialogue i was writing in my original stories when i was 13 (not that ive gotten any better tbh). Basically, it's not what you expect from such a vaunted company. Frey is great when shes excited or angry, which is most of the time, but occasionally, they'll hit me with the cheesiest line I've heard in years, and idk how to handle it. Like the stuff she says in the final chapter is honestly so robotic, there is no natural flow present. Which is a pity cuz the actress was killing it tbh, like she definitely carried the lines with her emotion. Unfortunately, it couldn't save them. Like if it was something they dropped on ps3 or wii, it honestly would have done fine. What i mean to say is the dialogue is very outdated in this age of gaming. im actually surprised how out of touch it feels. Especially since otherwise its a solid game all around. Regarding Cuff and Frey banter you do have the option to make it less frequent or just turn it off but i never really found them annoying regardless.

Maybe its just me but the control scheme feels so weird, the games makes you feel like you should be gliding most of the time but holding O while spaming all those trigger buttons feels so awkward to me. But then again I also didnt care enough to change the control scheme so.

[selamat-linting]

there was a few things i missed and got wrong on my homestuck liveblog yesterday. first of all, i mistook terezi with kanaya with that morallegiance chat with vriska. makes sense, they used to be roleplay buddies until that mess of an incident. not taking away vriska's responsibility from that clusterfuck but, wonder how much of it is doc scratch influence. good god girl, why are you gambling with a literal god? also WHY rose is trusting that white ball asshole? i dont like him at all. he's basically responsible to a lot of the mess the trolls and beta kids is going through.

anyway, at the last page i left off, terezi and vriska's attitude towards each other is largely shown in the boy-off with dave and john. with karkat screaming in the background (he always screams in the background). so its easy to miss that theyre very much in a weird complicated, frenemy state with each other. that in between space where you're not sure if theyre genuinely fucking hates each other or theyre ribbing on each other like two meanspirited friends do. i've been there sister, i've been there.

speaking of vriska (again, because she is my child who has every disease), oh her relationship/friendship with tavros is very conflicted and, i dare say, delicious? this is something that im sure would hit even harder if tavros wasnt relegated to the butt of ableist jokes more than he's treated as a character but. trust me. imagine youre tavros. your friend(?) is vriska. she crippled you, she saved your life, she berates you at every turn, she kissed you. deep down she only wants best for you. she wanted you to kill her. she wanted you to hate her enough to do it. she doesnt want to bleed to death alone. she's begging you to kill her. she's could have forced you to do it but she doesnt. because this is for you both to grow stronger and survive. thats all she wanted all along. for you both to thrive in a world that eats you alive. she needs you to kill her. oh god *head in hands*

-so its really really sad to see vriska being so lonely after killing tavros. she dug a hole too deep to get out alone and the remaining friends she had that could have accepted her again are all dead or too burned out of her. i wish they both can meet each other again. just to talk and find closure. like, tavros deserves to be angry with vriska and he deserves to have that peace he always wanted from her. and vriska deserves to start being a better person and getting some peace of mind. she deserves a chance, is all im saying. like, its okay if tavros cant give it to her. but some of her friends could. maybe terezi? the worst they ever do to each other in terms of direct harm is the eye injury. or maybe karkat? oh god i dont want to hear them arguing, i would go deaf!

-at least vriska has john! its nice to see them being friends with each other. Tbh john has been a breath of fresh air (hehe) in all the doom and gloom. im not looking forward to him meeting his dead dad but right now, my boy is walking around the village with one of the finest music i heard so far. and then he drive a flying car with WV. its just, he is so positive and amidst a set of characters who lost all of their innocence, he remains as the one guy who tries to enjoy the game and take everything in stride. he felt smug when the salamanders keep referencing in his title, he bought everyone hats and snacks, he gave moral support to vriska. the harley and egbert family is so positive about everything and its so endearing!

-AND JADE! fuck yeah she's starting to show how awesome she is. YES JADE say fuck you to karkat! its been long overdue!!! she also should say fuck you to vriska too as a treat. and fuck you to tavros too. and fuck you to that prince of hope (more like doom lol) who blew up her computer. she deserve monetary compensation to deal with that troll polycruel.

-special mention to dave btw. i dont remember him doing anything particularly exciting lately but i believe he's the one carrying the team. john and jade had to do their quest to be effective in defeating the english demon guy (the brits are all demons lol) and rose had to be their prime researcher and strategist, so he basically did the save everyone's ass part. i cant wait to see him hang out with terezi. Also is it bad of me to want him go godtier? Like, it would be interesting.

-and other time aspect characters i want to appreciate, aradia! babygirl have finally get rid of her hopelessness and come back to life! and now she's bringing the gang back together!!! and putting the pieces on why gamzee suddenly breaks. too bad gamzee never had a chance to show his personality. anyway, im starting to think i was wrong about lil cal. like, i think it was posessed but oh no its just bro moving him around, but somehow that fucking puppet is the one wrapped up in literally everything. aradia finds that shitty doll and somehow its connected to gamzee losing it and the game sgurb and doc scratch and... whats going on????

-in conclusion, timebound kids are always the one carrying the team. they are hard to find but theyre the one who could determine how you win or lose the game.

-but how can i forget? kanaya! she came through. i really thought she was dead! but she is alive, and she kills people with a chainsaw than apply lipstick to her bloodstreak lips. she is trying so hard to be Hinged. final girl behavior fr. i wonder how she's going to meet rose again. i hope she talked rose out of that suicide mission.

-and can we talk about karkat? man, imagine leading an army of kids who did kill and maim each other before the game even starts. imagine being the lowest of the social hierarchy and trying to make the most toxic friendgroup filled with racists and murderers to listen to you. imagine being able to do that despite all the odds, bring them to victory, and have the price right on your hands only for it to be ripped away and your friends devolve into chaos and murder several hours later. its a failure of untold magnitude. no wonder he's so disturbed and angry at himself and everyone.

-okay now that im done with the characters. i want to compliment how good everyone looks. the art and the fashions are all sooo amazing. the talksprite is also wonderful. im inclined to change my pfp into feferi's talksprite because i like her design so much. also because hooray! She's just dead, not corrupted by horrorterrors. in my mind she is laughing at tavros and doomed dave rap battle while surrounded by beautiful scenery

-also, i cant believe infinite stairs are referenced AGAIN with sollux and karkat. and SMUPPET ASS JOKE? on tavros dead body? lmao. okay i need to see smuppet ass on dave again. he was just so funny with it. and karkat shipping craze with jadesprite and jade. the jokes are really good, fr

[icharchivist]

I can see how the tragedy of the ending can reframe everything that came before it and make it sweeter and also much harsher in hindsight

Like, you know, it's nice that Noctis got to have a good(-ish?) time with his bros, but it also feels so sad and pointless, especially on a replay. It makes the whole thing a lot more grim

I've played games like that before and yeah, even if the gameplay is fire, the knowledge that it's going to end the way it does is always hanging there, ominously, like a huge fucking sword

And it can really dampen the experience or enhance it. That also depends on how I'm feeling that day

Then again, I've also felt an intense and profound sadness when I was about to beatTears of the Kingdom (most recent example from the top of my head) and while I wanted to know how it ended, I didn't want it to be over and I was sad that I couldn't experience the game again for the first time

Games are great, they can make you feel so many different feelings

But also, games suck because they can make you feel so many different feelings

YEAAAH i feel that.

I do think the gamme makes it clear it's not pointless at least - that the point is to enjoy the good time, on the contrary. It's done very beautifully that you don't actually think "why am i bothering?" when playing itself.

but i do know that the ending was spoiled very early on and a lot of people were turned off from playing this game fully because "the MC dies at the end so what's the point?" so i know some people genuinely feel this way - unaware that ff15 does everything to make you feel like the point is the journey, not the destination

but yeah, it really makes the game. very difficult to replay.

(hanging like a huge sword like the multiple swords Noctis empale himself on 👍)

FF15 also has like, a lot of forshadowing or light banters that will remind you of this ending no matter how hard you ignore it. Like, Noctis loves to sleep a lot so his friends joke about how he'll find the rest of the grave satisfying. Ignis is the de-facto driver of the car and they comment on how they can only rely on his good eyes and they don't know how they'd do without him and his insight. There's so many things like that that, no matter how hard i try to ignore the ending, makes me pause and cry.

And on one hand i love replaying the game to see those characters again, and give them all the happiness they deserve to have despite this ending on the horizon.

but on the other hand i hate replaying the game to see those folks, full of hope for the future, walk into their own suicide.

It's worth everything. It isn't worth all of this. It's very difficult.

Like you said. It's good and it's bad. it makes you feel so much.

as for the feeling of "not wanting to beat a game because it'll never be like the first time you played" GOD i feel you. there's so many games i've never finished, stopped right before the end, because i couldn't actually get myself to work through this feeling. It's really complicated and knowing the ending can make things so bittersweet like that.

(but at least it's nice when a game's ending, even if sad, is satisfying. There's a game i played recently where i *really* enjoyed the 80 hours i spurged on it, i had some minor issues here and there but i thought they'd work out if the narrative explored it. And then the last hour of the game were extremely rushed and dropped every single plotline without giving them closure for the most cheap ending i've ever seen and i was *so* angry at the game that things i loved about it, i ended up hating on second thought because what i thought were clever set up were just fully abandonned ideas that were never meant to be emotionally charged that way. I've never felt this feeling of the last hour of an otherwise good game fully ruining the game for me. I still haven't recovered from this and i'm still so bitter. i feel like i'll replay this game one day but this is one experience i've never had before and will probably be difficult to go back to. At least a sad ending just makes you melancholic. A bad ending just ruins everything. I don't wish it to anyone.)

so yeah I sure feel you :sob:

i do think ff15 is worthwhile because the tragedy is really well handled and make you feel like the sadness makes the happy moments all the more precious.

but i know how hard it is still to play.

so yeah. felt you :sob:

[oongaboonganerd]

November 19, 2023

It is done.

I've blocked her on everything I could think of.

I forgot I did this, but a couple weeks ago I re-added her on Steam. Don't ask me why, I don't know. Might've been drunk. A few days ago she reached out to me on there. Why? Despite angling to seem like she wanted to still be friends, and then wanting me to "get over her" by "thinking she's crazy" or "hating her".... She mainly wanted to get closure on some dumb shit I did. That's all she wanted. To use me for that. I feel disgusting and used from the relationship now. I suppose I have been for awhile.

I looked deep inside and after serious consideration, this is the way to go. She may reach out. Ask why. I don't know if i would either ignore her, give her a big "fuck you" then block her, or welcome her back. I've endured enormous heartache and pain over this, nearly killing myself several times over my feelings for her. She knows this. And she contacted me over some petty closure? A jab?

Fuck off.

It's funny. I saw a bunch of memes before about guys getting absolutely wrecked, emotionally, over their loves leaving them. And then "that was the last of the old him you'll ever see." I am understanding it now. A lot of my jovial nature has been snuffed out. My patience is a bit thinner. The pep in my step is dead. I'm still haunted by emotions and memories. It's hard to even talk about traveling or feeling love or... Honestly almost anything. Seeing things triggers pain. Hearing things triggers pain. Thinking things triggers pain. My fucked up brain reroutes everything to somehow link back to my memories of her. Shit, I'll be cutting boxes apart at work and be hit with thoughts of her, because before, I'd be thinking of her while I did that.

But I'm gradually recovering. Finally digging deep and looking within has helped me find great relief and conviction.

I might've found someone new, actually! But... Despite the joy of seeing her message me through out the day, of her own volition. Good morning texts. Updates on her day. Calling on vid call and streaming and gaming. The MOMENT we hang up for the night... The pain starts back up.

I think you can see how this is exhausting. This isn't a way to live. The joy of seeing her message me is dulled from previously having had someone else do that for me. The ecstatic high of having great conversation and time spent together is bittersweet knowing where I've come from to get where I am. And especially so knowing when we split for the night, that I'll be back to square one. And of course, the fear I'll fuck up and have to find someone else. Or she get bored. Or we finally have our first date and she makes her final decision then and there. Ugh.

[thoughtsofnowandagain]

22 feb 2023

When I went though a crazy low dark place (I was 15, even today I still have no idea what that shit was about), my therapist (well, she was my counsellor but 'therapist' sounds so much nicer so we'll call her that from here on out, regardless of how american that sounds) ... I'll start again but stop with the parenthesiseseses.

When I was 15, I went though a weird phase and my therapist told me to start writing down my feelings which back then felt almost too big to even think about let alone put it to paper but now that I'm a little older, it's actually quite nice. It's only the second post but I look forward to it. It's almost like a game, one of those where you get rewarded with virtual coins every time you play, except instead of coins I get mental clarity.

I wonder what I would read if I had listened to my therapist then, because I couldn't tell you what I was upset about. Bar that time I fell out with Rach. In school, I was in a group of 5. It was Me, Rach, Penny, Pippa, and Cherry. I thought we were really close, having sleep overs at each other's house but in hind sight I was a horrible selfish person back then. My inner monologue felt too big and as a result, I have no idea who those girls are. I don't know their parent's names, where they lived, who their sibling were, not a clue. How bad is that?!

But one night, I had a horrific houseparty. Again, I was 15 and desperate for people to like me. I had a boyfriend called Joe from the rougher parts of town, which isn't a financial thing, more of a revenge porn, pressure you into sending him nudes and then leak them around the school type of rough... morally rough. And so Joe was a year older than me, and once he heard I had a house party, he invited all of his also morally rough friends from his year and complete trashed my mums house. An event that no one in my family has ever let me forget 10 years later. Rach made out with Joe. This wasn't a big deal to me, I didn't really care about him, I don't think I ever did. I just wanted to be liked. Plus, him getting with my best friend was very on brand for him being morally rough and all. I think she was somewhat ashamed of being with my ex, because she acted very strange around me and didn't talk to me anymore. I assume they had sex and if his treatment of me was any indication, he told his friends which got round the school and somehow everyone blamed me for telling people- which I didn't ... because I didn't know... because I wasn't there... and yet no one fucking believed me and I was dramatically outcasted from the group and I never heard from them again. I really really went to a very very dark scary place after that. And 10 years on, I don't forgive them. I resent them for making me feel that way.

Rach was friends with Megan and Hannah for a few years because they went to Uni together. Rach is engaged to a guy called Lewis, thank god she got away from that awful Joe. They live a hour or so away and she's so infatuated with him, I think like me, she's alienated herself. Sometimes, she'll get in touch with Megan and Hannah and ask to hang out more. I've told Megan and Hannah how uncomfortable I am about the thought of her being in my life again but also I don't want to be outcasted again. Luckily they are the most wonderful people and they completely understand. Though a part of me does want to confront her, just for some closure maybe. This encounter would've happened about a year ago now and Rach has not reunited with Megan and Hannah, not that I'm aware of anyway.

[mangodestroyer]

It's alright. I've come a long way in the past year. It wasn't easy. But I'm in a much better place mentally and I hope it continues that way. If anything, I'm sorry to hear that you have religious trauma and went through some of the things you went through! That sounds... worse. I'm not sure what religion you followed as a kid. I've recently been listening to some ex-Christians talk about some toxic branches of Christianity they grew up with, and it sounds rough!

I guess I did luck out a little. My brother fucked up so badly and now people realize he's just no good (not sure what took them so long). The situation is far from perfect, but I guess I have some closure.

But, you know, you can't really count on "closure." You shouldn't ever rely on karma "doing its job" or whatever to heal. I personally don't believe karma is real. I think some abusers just over estimate how "slick" and "awesome" they are that they can just keep doing horrible, selfish things. And then end up exposing themselves because they got so cocky. And yes, that's one way you need to start looking at it. Some abusers don't care about other people and think they're the shit. The only sentient beings on the planet, while everyone else is just their for them to use. I had to hear it from a psychologist to believe it. I mean, seriously. It was so hard to wrap my head around at first. Someone enjoying hurting others? Getting off from arguments and emotional reactions? Seeing everything. Every. God. Damn. Thing. As a competition? Wanting to control everything and everyone and play games?

I mean, seriously. I used to think a lack of empathy was unintentional. Same with many bad deeds. I used to think I lacked empathy because I was accused of being so awful and thoughtless. I thought no empathy meant you sucked at reading others, were sometimes selfish (as literally every Goddamn human is, and should be), and that you accidentally did hurtful things because you're emotionally stupid (and, you know, abusers can twist anything and make it seem like a war crime, so if you were raised with those kinds of people, it can make you sensitive to upsetting others). Nah, a lack of empathy is when you just don't care if you hurt someone. You wouldn't feel bad about it if you did. And then there's sadism. When you ENJOY IT. Go out of your way to do it. So that's that. I guess there are people who thrive when they cause pain. Because of their own wounds (or rarely, they were born that way). A tough pill to swallow. It makes things easier in ways. No longer do I see atrocities such as war as "human nature" or "human error." Yeah, some people cope hard and think that people doing bad things is some kind of mistake. Our "inner animal" coming out. Nah. That's just shitty people doing shitty things. Actually, the good part of this is that not everyone is a fucking monster. In fact, most people aren't. They just wouldn't "accidentally" commit atrocities. Because they were "misguided" or "hurt." And no, I'm not talking about intense survival situations or coercion, or life or death situations. I'm talking about the many situations where people could have... easily just not done that.

And no, thinking about the hurt that leads them to hurt won't help you. You're making excuses for them, when really, you should be disgusted with them. Feeling so gross over them thinking they had the right to hurt you. Some people might think that's toxic, but it helped me.

I used to make excuses for my ex all the time. I thought their family and past relationships, of which they claimed sucked and that "their exes didn't care about them." made them paranoid and pick up toxic behaviors. I thought the redflags were just them being young with trust issues. Nah, they're just a shitty person who doesn't care to work on themselves. Funny enough, when they were acting so ugly with me, I saw them act like that sweet person I used to know at the beginning with everyone else. Even when they were doing those "bad things" she couldn't tolerate me doing (for instance, it was okay if others got high, but not me). Also funny how her trauma and trust issues led to her always being in opposition with me all the time. Very conveniently and with everything. If I wanted or liked something, there was always a huge reason why we couldn't do it or why I should stop doing or liking that thing. For instance, I'm not sure what trauma she has over painting. But she argued with me not to do it. That she really didn't want me picking that up as a hobby. At least I could understand it over weed (but I'm glad I didn't stop just cause she didn't like it, it wasn't like I was around her smoking or getting super high). But painting??? And I let myself believe that me wanting to do that was selfish and inconvenient??? Why of course, everything that isn't me just working or working towards starting a family, and just indulging in things I liked started filling me with lots of guilt. I even started feeling guilty over not being done with college, or for not picking a more "practical" major with "instant" employment (I'm a mathematics major, which can actually be very useful). Now, idc if me pursuing my dreams is "immature" or "selfish." If me one day going to grad school is a huge "waste of time" and makes me the most undesirable person to date, so be it! Same with painting and spending lots of time on hobbies.

But I used to rationalize it a lot. Now I realize how bizarre the whole thing was. They were just stuck up, boring, and antagonistic/argumentative. And they were well on their way to getting worse, and I'm glad I eventually realized at some point that this wasn't healthy (when the weird accusations, silent treatment, tantrums over stupid shit, and "you'll get beat up if you do/say such and such" over things that were innocent, such as acknowledging that French and Italian are Latin based languages and have lots of similarities, which supposedly made me a bigot who was saying France and Italy are the same). Sometimes, I think back on this, and look at other people's stories, and I just wonder how we ended up in these situations? Or why we end up dating people like this for so long?

I know processing it can be a lot. And yeah, I understand getting nostalgic over it too. It's actually not uncommon for toxic environments and toxic periods of our lives to be filled with good memories. That's love bombing. It's intended to confuse you. Make you doubt your bad experiences. Mistake your abuser for a sweet, empathetic person. Of course, they conveniently wait until you "mess up" to bring out the abuse again. So that it seems like you "deserve it." And sometimes, messing up can be as simple as, say, spending a little to much time by yourself (now you're "neglecting" your partner even though you actually give them a lot of attention, and yeah, sometimes people get carried away with doing other things than focusing on a loved one, that's normal and has an easy solution if both parties are reasonable).

I guess at the end of the day, with so many predators out there, I've kind of learned to look out for myself more. I've decided at this point that my happiness and well being should be a much higher priority. Not saying I don't want to stop caring about others. But I'm not so sure I'd want to bother giving a relationship any more chances if I decide I'm just miserable in it and am gaining nothing from it. Even if the other person seems "happy" and wants it. Or if something about it seems "off."

It's okay to take your time looking for a therapist. Really, you should shop around and look for someone who deals with trauma patients. A general therapist won't be much help, other than for taking care of anxiety and depression issues that come from trauma. And make sure they have a good reputation. Ideally, you want a therapist who will validate what you went through. Not one who is about "seeing the other perspective" or "asking what you could have done to improve/prevent the problem." Nor one who will act like talking about abuse is "black and white" thinking. Or just get uncomfortable with it or not want to talk about it. And really, you don't only have to rely on therapy to help. There's all sorts of resources out there to help you process trauma as well. Psychologists who share information on it or who publish books. Plenty of support forums. But a good therapist would be a step in the right direction and will probably guide you toward resources themselves.

Not to mention, other mundane advice too. Self-care in general, really. For instance, as dumb as it might sound, but having leisure time, going outside in the sun, and getting enough vitamin c... makes me feel a lot better personally? I mean, ig being unhealthy and stressed can make things a lot worse. For whatever reason, talking to a variety of people also helps me. As well as taking breaks and reflecting on interactions. Or just doing my own thing. Maybe it's because I've dealt with lots of emotional abuse. A variety of interactions from different people helps me understand more that not everyone is a bad person. I used to have a lot more social anxiety. I used to think people were snobs who didn't want anything to do with me. Turns out, lots of people are actually pretty friendly. But me assuming they were no good may have been giving off a hideous vibe that made them uncomfortable. I also thought I was extremely introverted. Turns out, I CAN be energized by social interaction and enjoy it a lot. When it's healthy. I think it's important to figure out what helps you heal too. We're all different and need different things in order to function.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I have lots of passion over this topic.

Good Omens | 2.01 Chapter 1: The Arrival

[dzpenumbra]

1/24/23

I was playing Noita, trying a pacifist run... and the game crashed for the first time. Guess it's time to do this!

Today was fairly uneventful. Cat woke me up early. Yoga. Got some stuff from the package room - some new incense and essential oil for my diffuser. It may not be the most orderly home, but it smells nice.

I came pretty close to finishing what used to be the necklace and is now the bracelet. I just need to... reassess the closure on it. I don't like a clasp for a bracelet, it just doesn't really work great. I need to make something that easily latches one-handed. But the weaving is done, so that's nice. Took way longer than I expected, but it was my first time and I don't really have a process down so... cutting myself some slack.

Oh yeah, so it was time to transition to the final polishing phase of the rock tumbles. Time flies, huh. If I didn't have that week missing where I wasn't running it because I was waiting for ceramic media to be delivered, they'd be done by now. But it should only be about 5 or so more days. There are some really cool pieces in there. I'm really excited to see how they come out. And I've been taking progress pictures from raw stone to finished product, so I'm excited to look back and see how far they came. Cleaning those and swapping the water/slurry took a few hours. It's a bit... laborious... and tedious when you live in an area where you can't just... dump the slurry. But, I'm getting a system down.

I was listening to this guy ESOTERICA on YouTube, the topic du jour was Exorcism in Judaism. Pretty interesting shit.

I also listened to a LiquidPixul art talk on... AI art... and his journey from 2D animation to 3D animation... to digital painting. His description of riding the waves of changing technologies was really interesting, a very unique perspective. I don't really know how to feel, because no one has really ever wanted my art. I know, womp womp, depression time. But like... legit. I have seen more of my artwork sitting on peoples' floors, being trampled by animals, draped over furniture, torn, broken, stowed away in storage... than actually appreciated. I have only sold a handful of prints. I have never sold an original piece that wasn't a commission for a specific individual. And I've been doing this since... 2008? If you count college, and I do. So, like... I know others may feel threatened that what they have built may come crumbling down because tech companies developed a new toy. I get that. No one wants to feel replaced; trust me, I've been replaced in much worse ways than that, the feeling is awful. But first off... I struggle to relate to it, because... I really don't have anything to lose. I never really gained. So, I think that kinda gives me a unique perspective to be able to look at this situation without being too fearful.

What I got out of Adam's talk was this idea of like... as a trained artist, someone who has dedicated themselves to a craft... but also to a completely different way of looking at life... you don't just lose that when a new medium comes along. Even if you switch mediums. Holy shit, okay, you know what, I am qualified to speak on this. I have swapped mediums more fucking times than I can count. I started with poetry, of all things. Then music. Then video, which was my first major. Then doodling, because I couldn't focus in classes unless I was doodling on something, margins of my notes, my pants, in college I'd regularly cover my entire left arm in a sleeve of Sharpie tattoos. Swapped majors from video to undecided after flunking out. Considered music. Then I said "fuck it, music isn't going to pay the bills, let's add art to the mix" and went all-in to become an art major. I went to a college with the intentions of gigging with my band and being a Drawing major. They didn't offer drawing as a focus, so I had to learn how to paint in acrylic. Closest I could get. Then I started to go multimedia again - sculpture, video, graffiti, set design. After graduation I got into tattooing, learned graphic design, dabbled in architecture design in SketchUp. I'd make replicas of ancient world wonders in Minecraft. I disconnected from art for like... 4-5 years and a part of me just... died. I lost my identity. I would rediscover it in Minecraft occasionally, but... it would fade quick. Toxic environment. And the past 5 years since I liberated myself from that toxicity, I started going nuts with shit. Trance work, meditative practices, automatic writing, wood/stone/bone sculpture, jewelry making, nature illustration, mandalas, a mini episodic stream-of-consciousness vlog, a full-length YouTube Rimworld series, livestreams, earthworks. So... you could say I'm not really tethered to a medium. At all. In fact, I get so intrigued and enticed by new media and new experiences that I have trouble sticking to a "thing". And instead of fighting that like I think most people do, and say "just focus on what you do", I said "fuck it, let's go!" I learned anatomy for realism portraiture. I learned geometry for abstract and architecture. I learned geology and chemistry for stone work. I learned ecology and microbiology for earthworks. I learned spirituality, mythology, evolutionary biology and primitive art history in my explorations in handmade carving. I even learned how to do some functional coding for video games and stuff, in an attempt to create my own simulated ecosystem with artificial lifeforms living in it.

None of those mediums are going anywhere, as far as their role in my life is concerned. Because they never went anywhere to begin with! They have always stayed constant. Me, by myself, learning, exploring, growing and finding new ways to express what fascinates me, and what my passions are. What catches my eye and makes me go "oh holy shit, I never thought of that, that changes everything!" Or just pulls me in completely and takes me to another world. And I see it as my job, my place in this world, to share that passion and that transformative imaginative immersion with others. The best I can. Like... a music reaction video. Why do we watch those? We like to see how others hear the same songs we listen to, especially for the first time. And we can take from that and add it to our language of like... active listening. So when I hear Charismatic Voice nerding out about diphthongs, I go... "oh shit, what about Coheed, you gotta listen to them, they are like... the epitome of diphthongs... now that I know what that word means... XD" It adds to my language of... experiencing life.

So... what I'm kinda saying is... when you train to be an artist - just like the example above with Elizabeth, trained to be a musician - you are training much more than your ability to draw on a piece of paper. Or a tablet. Or paint a canvas. Or sculpt. Whatever. It's much more. It may not feel like much more to you, if you are an artist yourself, but I challenge you to sit down at an intro-to-art class sometime. Those brave, brave souls, I have so much admiration for them! Go audit one of those classes at a local college or something and just... watch how they approach their artwork not from a technical standpoint (because obviously they're going to be inexperienced), but like... from a cognitive standpoint. How they look at their subject, and how they choose to portray it. Their understanding of space. Their understanding of anatomy. Of physics, and proportions, and movement. Color, light, depth. I would bet you a surgeon with zero art experience could draw a pretty good... whatever they usually do surgery on... because they know their way around, they have the mind of an anatomist. So they probably know what goes where and what it looks like roughly, but they might struggle to get those ideas accurately onto paper.

We, as artists... we have been training much more than just our medium. We have been studying many disciplines of science, math, history, biology, you name it. Whatever we have decided to put our effort and research into learning, we have that. And we will always have that. And we can bring that knowledge to other media as well.

So... if people really want to try to replace the artists, let them go ahead. A machine is doing my stone sanding for me right now, and that thing was invented like 70 years ago. Saves me having to wear down my arm muscles, creates a different effect, and comes with its own pros and cons.

But if you're worried about someone going to google and just typing in their idea for art and then going "I'm an artist, I don't need art anymore!"... You didn't have the same experience with graphic design as I did. In my experience, the layman has no fucking clue what they want. They think they do! They all think they do. Then they see what you can do with it... and they all change their tune. That's why they went to you in the first place. And that's why you charge for revisions, folks. I was taught that in college like right off the bat, both for graphic design work and really any design commission. Always charge for revisions, add one or two into the base charge for your work. So we'll do what they want first... then when they inevitably don't like it, we revise, add some of the artist's input... and then keep going until it gets there. So like... I guess what I'm saying is that the layman might find these generators a fun novelty, but they don't have an artist's eye. I mean look at fucking social media, everyone has a goddamn S-Tier camera in their pocket, how many pictures on social media are actually like... proportionate to the quality of the tool they're using? Because they don't have an eye for it. Then go look at a pro photographer's page and it's like... "fuck dude, you're magical."

So... if you're a creative too, don't sweat it too much? Is what I'm saying? And... remember that being an artist is more than just the products that you make... it's the process of exploring, the process of making, and the process of being in art mind. You are creating a story every time you work. You are painting an IRL scene of you at your work spot, painting or drawing or typing or carving or whatever it is. Like a little private movie that the consumer never gets to know about... unless you stream... ;) And that becomes... like a child of yours, your creation. That piece is part of your story, and you are part of its. That effect, that quality of being something created with purpose and passion by human hands is... palpable. And to me, it's one of the most valuable things in the world. Which is why I don't really like doing prints anymore, honestly. And also why I'm trying so fucking hard to get real furniture made by a real fucking person Jesus Christ why is this so hard!!! XD

Okay, I gotta get to bed. Just wanted to share some thoughts, I'm sure it was scrambled and incoherent but I think I got most of the key points there. Just... don't let fear of losing what you love stop you from doing what you love in the first place. I guess I'm saying that to myself as much as to anyone reading this. Fear doesn't deserve that kind of worship. Love does.

[cr0wbonezz-wr1ting-inc]

One more time

Summary: Alex regrets ever saying yes. All he wants is a second chance.

Trigger warning: Mentions of cheating, mentions of sex, swearing, angst

Author's note: my first piece off hiatus !! - you're a twitch streamer in this fic but it won't come up too much :) hope u like it <3

Based on: Break My Heart Again - FINNEAS

you sigh. your ex-boyfriend called again. you've been ignoring your phone for 5 minutes now. was he really this desperate?

you pick up your phone and slide the green button.

"what do you want, alex?"

"___, you picked up!"

he sounded extremely relieved, like he needs you to breathe.

"i did, now what do you want?"

alex sighed and leaned on a wall in his bedroom.

"can i come over? there's some stuff i still need to pick up."

you suck in a breath sharply. the air is thick and tense.

"no."

you clench the phone you were holding and bit your lip.

"i don't want to see you right now."

alex closed his eyes and pushed himself off the wall.

"i understand, you need time."

there was silence for a moment. neither of you wanted to say anything.

"if you want to come over that bad you can get your things tomorrow morning."

"sounds good. i'll be there around 11, okay?"

"fine."

"good-"

you ended the call.

"-bye..."

alex let his arm drop beside him. his eyes were watering, but he wiped it away with the sleeve of his hoodie.

it's his fault, he knew. but why is he still so upset? he shouldn't feel like this - it's is his own doing, after all.

~

you open the door to your home. alex was standing on the porch with a few empty bags in hand. the morning sun blinded you slightly, making you squint at the man in front of you.

"hi ___."

"hello, alex. all your belongings are on the couch.

"great, thank you."

~

he looks over as he's folding a shirt.

"what are you looking at?"

you say without looking away from your laptop.

his face was getting red slightly from embarrassment.

"nothing, you seem busy."

alex directed his eyes back to the clothes in front of him.

"otherwise you would've said something about me."

alex snickered slightly, trying to lighten the mood.

you sigh, holding your face in one of your hands.

don't say it. ___, keep it in. there's no point in fighting him. ___-

"if i wanted to make a comment it'd be about the fact you can't keep your dick in your pants."

god damn it, why did you do that?

he fell quiet. you hated his guts, but even you felt kind of bad for being so blunt with it.

a part of you still loved him. his loud, yet charming laugh. his sweet kisses. his adorable clinginess. his blushing face when you teased him.

you shake your head, trying to physically get rid of your pity for him. he doesn't love you anymore. he shouldn't, and neither should you.

~

after filling the bags with alex's belongings he stood up and wiped his forehead. you waver from your work and look him up and down.

"you done?"

you asked him. he turned around and gave you a weak smile.

"yeah, i think so."

"good, you know the way out."

you turn back to your computer.

"___, wait. can i ask you something?"

you make eye contact with him, fully aware it makes him nervous.

"what do you want?"

alex took a quick breath.

"can we talk sometime?"

you look at him like he spoke an alien tongue.

"why the hell would i?"

"i want to talk about what happened between us. i hate that our relationship is so sour."

he set a step forward.

"i just want this to end peaceful - or at least neutral."

"why the fuck would i want to be peaceful with you of all people?"

"i hate ending things on the wrong foot, you know that."

alex stands his ground, making you livid.

"then we make up, and then what? you'll just break my heart again!"

you stand up, simultaneously pushing the chair away with your legs.

"then i can lay awake and think about why i even let you inside my house again in the first place?!"

if looks could kill, alex would be on the floor.

"fine. if you don't want to, then i guess everything will just stay the way it is."

alex turned around and grabbed his bags. there's no way he's getting through to you right now.

"oh, so now it's my fault?"

you slam your laptop and walk away from the table.

"well, i'm so sorry for being angry at you for cheating on me!"

you don't hold your anger in anymore, he crossed the line.

"i never said that, ___!"

alex yelled to match your energy.

you took a step back. the audacity to yell at you in your house.

"out. now."

alex grabbed the second bag of clothes and without a word walked to the front door.

"goodbye, ___."

alex pushes the door open and steps outside. you go after him but stop at the doorstep.

"fuck you!" you sob out. you grab the doorknob and slam the door shut.

your knees slowly got weaker and you sit against the front door, shutting your eyes.

~

it's been a month since you've seen alex. you've blocked him on everything since then.

you were doing a q&a on your twitch channel and everything was going well. chat was filled with questions and you answered the one's you could.

your thoughts were somewhere else, though.

you still miss him, you really did. alex used to watch your streams all the time. he sent you donations with cheesy pick-up lines, he called you during streams to make fun of you for dying in a game or just to chat while he's bored.

but that didn't happen anymore.

you realize you haven't said anything in a while and you apologize. your chat was spamming purple hearts and 'are you okay?'

"ah, sorry everyone, i'm still tired from yesterday. i think i'm going to end the stream for today, thank you all for coming!"

after saying goodbye you turn off your computer.

why are you still so obsessed over him?! he cheated on you! he even tried to cover it up with a bullshit story about "not being the first to kiss her," and "she forced me to," like someone would believe a lie like that.

yet, you still love him. something inside you wants to believe him, like he really was telling the truth.

~

the next morning you open twitter and scroll for a bit. you made a tweet earlier in which you stated you weren't going to stream today.

you looked at the trending topics and saw your name in bold letters. you clicked on it and read the first tweet that popped up.

'i really hope ___ is doing better, they looked so sad on stream :('

an image was attached to it - a screenshot from the stream you did yesterday where you were mindlessly staring at your computer screen.

you sighed. at least they're not thinking too deep about this.

you scroll further down, replying and liking a couple tweets saying you were alright, thanking them or cracking a joke. this should keep them off your back for a while.

after scrolling for a bit one tweet catches your eye. you clutch your phone as you read the comment.

'kinda obvious they miss quackity :/ it's a good cover-up story tho '

~

alex was staring at his ceiling. he'd seen the tweets about you - about him.

he hates this feeling. he hates the fact that he knows what you're thinking. he hates that he knows it's his fault. he didn't mean to. he didn't.

"come on, alex. you know you want it." the woman said.

"i told you, no! i have a partner!" alex pushed her away for the second time, trying to find a way past the girl and out of this small alleyway. he should've never gone to this stupid bar.

"tch, whatever. but know you'll regret rejecting someone like me!" the girl pushed him to the brick wall and fixed her dress as she walked away.

alex fixed himself for a minute and walked past the bar and into his car. he pulled out his phone and shot you a quick text.

'hey bb i'll be over in a few :)'

'don't come back.'

you responded almost immediately. alex froze as he looked at the screen.

'wdym?'

'you know damn well why'

you sent him a photo of him next to the bar in the alley. the girl was all over him while her lips connected lustfully to his.

'it isn't what it looks like, i didn't start any of this!'

you don't respond. alex tries to send you another text when an error pops up.

'unable to send message. user has blocked you.'

~

you hover your hand over your phone's keyboard. you thought anbout alex's offer to talk, and decided that maybe it was a good idea after all. you couldn't get your mind off him, you thought that hopefully getting some closure could help.

but how were you going to ask him? 'hey, i know i blocked number like a month ago but can you to meet me at some random park? see you there!'

after typing and deleting multiple texts you eventually landed on a message.

'hey alex, i've been thinking about your offer to talk it out, and i wanted to ask if you're still up for it?'

you send it and immediately turn off your phone and place it on the coffeetable in front of you. you did it, finally. you fall back on your couch and pull your knees up to your face, waiting for a notification.

after a nailbiting five minutes a light emits from your phone. you pick it up and read the name calling you. 'alex'. you take a deep breath and answer the phone.

"hi alex."

"hey ___, it's been a while."

you sit up straight, preparing yourself for the conversation you're about to have.

'yeah, you can say that."

the atmosphere was a lot less tense than you expected. it was weirdly... comforting? you can hear alex's raspy voice through the phone. has he been crying?

"i saw your text, you wanted to meet?"

"yes, i did. i wanted to get some closure, at least."

alex chuckled, his laugh making you a little flustered. trying to brush it off, you laugh with him.

"what's so funny?" alex asked.

you rolled your eyes and smile.

"you, dumbass."

he gasps cartoonishly loud. his goofy personality is something you could never get enough of. maybe you were wrong after all.

"ok, but seriously, when do you want to meet?"

he gets back on topic. you snap out of your smile and remember why he called in the first place.

"right, right. i'm free this whole week, you can choose when."

after some planning and back and forth, you decide to meet at a small family-run café in the afternoon. coincidentally, it's the same place you two had your first date.

~

you settle down at a table on the terrace of the café, the sunday sun greeting you warmly. you were a little early, so you decided to think of some questions. it didn't take you long to come to a few, though. your main question was the photo. what was that all about?

as you were handed a menu you saw alex walking on the pavement fidgeting with his fingers.

"hey! sorry if i'm late, i took the bus instead of my car."

he took the seat parallel to yours and exhaled.

"oh no, you're right on time. i was just a little early."

the waitress gave alex a menu and disappeared into the establishment. you both decided to stay quiet before getting on topic. neither of you want to start the conversation.

after both ordering and having surface level conversation for a while silence fell. you both know why you're here, it feels off to talk like nothing ever happened.

"okay-"

"so-"

you both start at the same time. alex awkwardly chuckles while covering his mouth.

"you first."

alex proposes. you nod and like magic lose the somewhat content mood you had prior. you steadily breathe in and pull out your phone.

"so, first things first; my main goal is to get closure and an explanation - there's no point in lying to me."

alex hums in agreement. you could tell he was nervous, you knew him better than anyone. you tap on your screen a few times until you reach the photo that was sent to you.

"now, i want a clear answer. what happened that night?"

you ask him firmly as you put your phone on the table to reveal the image.

"that's my ex-girlfriend."

alex said. you raise an eyebrow - his ex? you've heard some wild things about her and her antics, which is exactly why alex broke up with her in the first place.

"she said she wanted to ask me something in private. my dumbass said yes, because i can't pick up on context clues, apparently."

you cross your arms and lean back on the chair.

"you got that right."

alex looks up from the photo and makes eye contact with you.

"long story short, she pushed me to the wall and kissed me. i tried to push her off but she didn't let me go. after shoving her, like, twice she finally got the hint and left."

~

"so she set you up?"

"she hasn't changed a bit since all those years."

you say with a hint of condescension. his explanation made sense, and from what you heard he wasn't lying. your gut told you to believe him, yet your mind had an itching feeling that there was something else.

"are you sure that's all?"

alex flinched slightly.

"y-yes, ___. i don't know what else to tell you."

you mess with your hair a bit, clearly conflicted. there was nothing else, you knew that. but your brain wouldn't let it go. you decided it's better if you just sleep on it.

"alright, then.-"

you grab your bag and stand up.

"-i think we're done here."

alex stays seated and looks up at you.

"yeah, i think so."

you pick the phone up that's laying on the table. you pull out your wallet and put a $5 bill under your teacup.

"goodbye, alex."

"wait!"

alex stands up and grabs your wrist, the gesture scaring you little bit.

"are you still mad at me?"

those eyes. they're so pretty, almost sparlking. you snap out of it when he lets go, just realizing how weird it is to grab someone's arm out of nowhere.

"sorry, my bad. i wasn't thinking."

alex scratches the back of his neck.

"i'm still deciding if i can trust you, but i appreciate you showing up, at least."

"that's enough for me."

alex smile at you, not trying to pry.

"goodbye, ___."

"goodbye, alex."

~

you heard the chirping of the birds outside your window and groan. why is it already morning? you sit up and grab your phone from the nightstand next to your bed, the phone reading 11:23 - tuesday - xx-xx-xxxx.

you sigh and fall back onto your bed. you've been thinking about alex for a few days now, still not getting him out of your head.

after going downstairs and eating some toast you pull out your phone again, the clock now reading 12:44. you look through your contacts and eventually land on his name.

you hover your hand over the green pixels while sitting down at the dining table. you swallow audibly and click the call button.

it goes once.

it goes twice.

"___?"

'Hey alex, i wanted to ask you if you wanted to meet up again?"

ty for reading <3

m.list

taglist: @adoring-ghost @sakisaralazy @for-memories-sacrifice @ialexabsuniverse @shiyanchan @bioluminescentfrog @esylwen

reblogs >> likes !