#alfred pennyworth is the goat

[goth1c-pinki3-pi3]

i just think they're silly

[deadsetobsessions]

Pt. 3

Again, the timing is icky but pretty much everything about it is icky.

——

Bruce wondered when Talia al Ghul would stop upheaving his life.

He loves Damian, but one surprise child was a lot, considering the cult deprogramming they’d had to do.

A second, older, surprise child? That was a bit overkill.

At least this time, the conception was consensual.

Bruce cradled his head in his hands, still-gloved fingers gripping onto sweat-soaked hair. The glow of the bat computer shone on his lone figure, sat huddled before endless screens of investigations and the unraveling threads of Bruce’s sanity.

How was he to cope with the knowledge that a child- his child, like Dick and Damian and Tim and Jason and- suffered so at the man he thought he had beaten so soundly?

It was his fault, Bruce thought, that Ra’s al Ghul tortured his… Bruce’s… daughter so brutally. It was no doubt, a way to assuage his anger at Bruce’s denial of being his heir.

His mistakes always came back to haunt him, but it never laid its furious eyes and hands on his own person. No, when Bruce made mistakes, his loved ones paid for it.

He tried his best, pushed harder as Batman, in penance. But this… his unknown daughter, trapped in the shadows of the league where it is cold and cruel and brutally painful…

How could he repent for the sin of letting his daughter suffer and chained at the hands of Ra’s al Ghul? How could he show her that the shadows could be kind? That he would rather break his own spine and get lost in the time stream again before he could even fathom hurting her? He found himself stuck in the same loop of thoughts that plagued him when Damian first came into his orbit.

The screens turned black, and Oracle’s call sign flashed onto the dark pixels.

“Oracle. I hadn’t finished looking at the cases.”

“Go to sleep, Bruce.”

“No, there is still work to be-” his voice, dipping into the growl, died a quick death when Barbara cut him off.

“Your daughter is coming tomorrow. So, unless you want to look like a disheveled grease racoon when you meet her, go shower and get some actual sleep.”

Bruce paused, feeling oddly offended. His eye bags weren’t that bad.

Bruce caught sight of his reflection in one of the blacked out monitors.

…Nevermind.

He sighed. “…Thank you, Barbara.”

“Anytime, Bruce. I’m always here to kick your ass into gear.”

Bruce huffed, but obligingly got up to change and shower. Alfred silently appeared at the elevators, polished shoes tapping against the stone floor as he raised an imperious eyebrow at Bruce.

“I see Miss Barbara has managed to persuade you to retire at an hour common to regular man, Master Bruce.”

“Ah, yes, she… did.” Bruce felt the urge to apologize, because if Alfred’s up because of him, it’ll wear down harsher on the older man’s health. If there was one thing he took seriously, it would be the health of his loved ones. “Sorry, Alfred. I’ll head up to bed soon.”

“See to it that you do, Master Bruce. I will warm dinner that you had missed by many hours and bring it to your room.”

Bruce lingered as the butler turned around and began making his way back to the main house.

Alfred paused and turned around once more. “If I may offer you some advice?”

“Please. Always.”

Alfred sniffed delicately, most definitely thinking of the times Bruce decided not to take his very well reasoned and seasoned advice. “You have done well with Young Master Damian.”

“Most of that was Dick,” Bruce interrupted, man enough to admit that he wasn’t a present or a particularly good father figure before his jaunt through time and space. Alfred shot him a chiding look, reprimanding him for interrupting. Bruce rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Perhaps, but you have put in effort towards all of your children in a way that I have yet to see since Master Jason had… gone.”

“I’ll never make that period of time up to Tim.” Bruce whispered. Another thing he was guilty of. Tim still avoided some spaces in the manor, even when Bruce had-

“That is because you sit here, wallowing in your guilt,” Alfred returned. He added a belated “Master Bruce,” and it sounded like ‘you utter buffoon.’

“But…”

“You must take the first step, Master Bruce.”

“What if she hates me? What if I’m not ready- what if I can’t help her?”

“You will try. She deserves that, at the very least. You must try. Even if you are not ready for the day, Master Bruce, it can not always be night.”

“… You’re right.” Bruce straightened his shoulders. Time doesn’t wait. He, of all people, knew that.

“You will find that I am hardly ever wrong.” Alfred primly rested his hands atop each other.

“Thank you, Alfred.”

“Of course. It was also meant literally, Master Bruce, for the sun shall try its best to peek out of Gotham’s smog in approximately three hours and fourteen minutes.”

“I’m going, I’m going,” Bruce grouched.

——

Her mother gave her a slow, cautious hug, akin to approaching a wild animal.

She huffed, and pulled her mother into a crushing hug. She allowed herself, for the first time in a long time, to linger and cling onto her mother’s shirt. Another tendency that Ra’s had thought he’d beaten out of her.

“Be careful,” the reincarnation whispered.

“You as well, my beloved daughter.”

‘You do not have to remind me that I am beloved, mother. I know.’

Talia al Ghul tucked a strand of the reincarnation’s curled hair behind her ear. “No, I do not believe that you do. But that is… my own fault. I will tell you and remind you that you are beloved to me as long as I can. I have two decades of it to make up to you, habibti.”

The flight attendant- a League operative- returned from placing her bags onto the private plane.

——

A sleek car made its way up Wayne Manor’s winding driveway. She’d declined the offer to pick her up from the airport. She had wanted a vehicle of her own, and some time before she met every one else. No doubt, knowing what she knew of her brother and Bruce Wayne, not to mention the little photographer, they were most likely tracing her path to Wayne manor obsessively.

She tapped her nails on the wheel as she drove towards her brother. Brothers. And… Bruce Wayne. On one hand, she’s kept them safe. On the other, she’d sacrificed years of getting to know them. It was odd, to feel this intensely awkward and nervous after years of intense hatred or apathy sprinkled by the the occasional love and fondness for Damian and her mother.

“Hmmm.” She hummed, slight smile spreading a bit more as the sound came out without pain. Two weeks, and the novelty of freedom had not worn off. She thinks that it would never wear off. She cherished it.

The gate had opened without needing a code, so they most definitely knew she was here. It’s a good thing she had prepared gifts in advance. Dodging Gothamites as they drove and jaywalked had been a rather unforeseen ordeal that she was not looking forward to repeating.

She rolled to a smooth stop at the front doors, giving the intricately carved oak doors a passing glance. She huffed a laugh as she saw Damian, flanked by Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth, staring proudly outside at the front door. They’re anticipatory of her arrival. Warmth spread through her heart, and for the first time in a long while, it wasn’t the heat of rage.

She opened the doors with a quiet click and hiss, stepping out onto the heated paved driveway, and closed the door. At the steps, the two older men had frozen but Damian had come walking quickly towards her.

“Damian,” she whispered as he came near her, suffusing as much fondness as she could into his name. Her little brother all but sprinted towards her, screeching to a stop in front of her with excited eyes.

“Welcome to Wayne Manor, ukhti.” He said formally. Her eyes softened and she pulled him into a hug.

(yā waṭawāṭī alṣṣḡīr is the phonetic spelling.) ("وطواطي الصغير" is the actual spelling. I think.)

“I have missed you, ya wat-wat alssgirr,” she whispered. The familiar endearment, “my little bat,” rung warmly like a warm crease ruffling his hair. The silks of her clothes and the ever present warm sand and candle scent wrapped around him like a hug… like the hug she was currently giving him.

(Her clothes were in blues and silvers. It suited her, she who had been forced in green and golds and cuts of black.)

“I still can not believe you all but told me who father was and I still could not figure it out until mother told me.”

She pulled back. ‘Damian, you were five.’

“I have little doubt you were smarter at my age, ukhti, so do not lie to me.” Damian grumbled. Nevertheless, he stepped back.

‘No, you were smarter.’

And to her, he was. It’s not like Damian had the edge she did, and he wasn’t the one trapped for twenty something years. She had foolishly thought that Ra’s wouldn’t dare to harm her too much, seeing as she was his blood, but Damian knew from day 1. She made sure he did. If she was half as smart as Damian, she would have bent her knee and obeyed, no matter how she felt about killing. She would have taken warning Ra’s issued and soaked in the poisonous praise to bide her time to escape. She could not- she did not- do what Damian found effortless, and paid the price for it.

“Unlikely,” Damian said, turning around fully, but she could see the tips of her brother’s ears burning. Ah, perhaps she had been to stingy with compliments if he was shy hearing a mild one, sincere as it might have been. “This is Alfred Pennyworth. He is the butler, and an integral part of the family.”

Damian glanced at her, taking in her suddenly impassive face, and nods. Good. His attitude towards Pennyworth when he first arrived was… mildly shameful. His ukhti was smart enough to know that and therefore he won the argument.

On her part, the reincarnation followed along like she hadn’t mildly stalked this family for decades. It was nice to see excitement rearing on her brother’s face. It was rare in the league and Gotham’s gloom had ironically cheered him up far more than the suns of desserts ever did. She nodded at Alfred Pennyworth, who had admirably recovered from his earlier shock.

“And this is… Bruce Wayne. Our father.”

She tucked a strand of curled hair back, impassive blue eyes meeting her… father’s.

She offered him a short nod.

——

“My word,” Alfred Pennyworth muttered as his charge’s (his son’s) daughter step out of the car. Her steps were silent, graceful, and lighter than a gazelle.

The way she moved, even as she hugged young master Damian, whispered of leashed lethality and treacherous waters. She moved like if grace had a form and Alfred was willing to bet his entire career that not an iota of air got close to her without her knowledge of it, and it reminded the aging man of the young Miss Cassandra. He knew then, that she could have pretended to be unassuming and that he would have had a hard time equating her with danger. That she showed them her potential for death was a sign of trust.

But it was not the way she claimed death as her own name that caught the former spy’s attention.

No.

It was her blue eyes and the way they ever so slightly crinkled fondly as she laid eyes upon her younger brother. It was the way her hair, curled in a nostalgic style, that curtained her face as she spoke to the young Wayne heir, though he could not hear her voice. It was the way that she tucked Damian against her side, protective but encouraging.

It was the way that she, despite Talia al Ghul’s features, resembled his dearest friend, Martha Wayne, in her every movement.

Alfred Pennyworth felt like he was decades younger, standing before Martha as she fondly tucked Bruce against her side and successfully needled Thomas into going to see Bruce’s favorite movie.

It felt like he had his best friend once more, just a little.

From the way Master Bruce stared, it seemed as though he thought the same.

Alfred straightened when young master Damian introduced him. He was the Wayne Family Butler. And she was definitely a Wayne.

Master Bruce stood there like a lout as his daughter greeted him. Alfred shot him a scathing look- he had taught Master Bruce much better manners than to gape, the nerve!- before smoothly directing the attention away. His hands moved as he spoke.

“Welcome to Wayne Manor, Miss-”

She made a sharp motion to cut him off and signed something. Alfred might be a tad rusty in Arabic sign language (like he and the rest of the family hadn’t spent the last two weeks frantically memorizing and brushing up on their sign language) but he knew a name sign when he saw one.

“al Ghul.” Damian recognized. He did not use regular Arabic Sign Language with her often, vastly preferring their own established sign, but that did not mean he slacked. “You may call her al-Ghul.”

‘Or nothing at all,’ Damian’s sister signed. She looked at him like she was waiting. A test, Alfred realized.

Alfred pushed the slight twinge of disheartening disappointment away. He had wanted to call her Miss Wayne, to perhaps indulge in a bit of nostalgia for a while longer. But he shan’t do it at the expense of his charge.

“Miss al Ghul,” he continued, not missing a beat, imitating the name sign with pin point accuracy. She lifted her chin. Alfred sighed in relief. He passed. And now, perhaps he should revive Ra’s al Ghul and have a nice, entirely civil conversation about Miss al Ghul’s expectation that her wishes would go ignored.

Alfred will bring his shotguns and most likely would abandon pretenses as soon as that old goat got into his crosshairs. Old as he might be, he was still a very good shot, and civility was reserved for those with honor.

“Please head inside. I am sure young master Damian would love to guide you on a tour,” Alfred continued like he didn’t think of violent second deaths for Ra’s al Ghul. “Perhaps Master Bruce will join you, if you are amendable, once he has managed to stop imitating the rather life like form of a smooth brained sloth.”

Alfred congratulated himself on the small crinkle of humor that graced Miss al Ghul’s otherwise expressionless face. Well, expressionless to those that did not know where to look. Fortunately, Alfred and the rest of the family were used to stoic caveman micro expressions, courtesy of Bruce, and therefore it would not be much of a problem.

“I will bring your bags up to your room.”

She scrutinized him and then dipped her head.

‘Be careful. There are dangerous things in there.’

“I assure you the utmost privacy in regards to your belongings,” Alfred said.

“Pennyworth will not peruse your belongings, ukhti. He has more honor and respect than that.”

Alfred would like to interrogate Talia al Ghul to see who he must introduce some lead to, that clearly disrespected Miss al Ghul’s privacy like so. But for now, he will bask in the warmth of young master Damian’s implicit trust.

Miss al Ghul nodded. She opened the trunk of the car- the interior of which Alfred could now perceive to be entirely customized and of extremely quality material. She handed the keys and gave him access to her luggage. Then, placing her hand at young master Damian’s shoulder, followed the young master into the halls where she ought to have been raised. Or, at the very least, ought to have taken a step in at least once before today.

Master Bruce lingered at the doorway, torn between following the siblings and helping Alfred with the luggage (read: running away.)

“The daylight is wasting, Master Bruce.”

Master Bruce skittered in behind them like a newborn colt, wobbling and anxious.

Well, it’s time for Alfred to do his job. There was only a single duffle bag.

Hm. He’ll have to tell Master Bruce to take her out for necessities. He hardly doubted that a single bag could last her very long. And Alfred Pennyworth was hellbent on convincing his granddaughter to stay, may the gods have mercy on whichever poor soul that tried to convince her otherwise for he won’t.

——

She followed Damian as he led her deeper within the walls of a home she knew by heart from afar. She was like the little photographer in that way. Bruce Wayne trailed behind them like a particularly awkward ghoul, and she found it amusing to equate this turtle necked man was the illustrious Dark Knight. How dangerous.

“This is the first parlor. It is for guests of the… regular persuasion.”

Ah, for the civilians. She nodded.

“Ah, the silverware was selected by Alfred.” Bruce interjected, gesturing to the display silverware by the door. Their cabinets were intricate without taking away from the paintings upon the delicate ceramic.

She looked at him, wondering why he was following before giving up and nodding. It was his house.

(Bruce, for his part, felt like his daughter had laid judgement upon him… and found him lacking.)

‘It is… adequate.’ She sighed to Damian. Damian tutted.

“It’s fine to say quaint, sister. It could hardly compare to the palace.”

Bruce jolted, plans for converting the manor into a palace already in the making.

No, he couldn’t. Alfred would murder him with his favorite dish.

‘I like it, even if it is smaller.’

“….you do?”

‘You are happy here. It is warm to you. I like it.’ She repeated.

Damian latched onto her sleeve. “I- I shall show you my art. And then introduce you to the rest of the bumbling fools we have for brothers-”

She tilted her head. Bruce paused as well when Damian’s words cut off.

“If… you want them as brothers. It would be… helpful, to integrate.”

She waited.

“But… I am the first. Your blood. And-”

‘I will make room in my heart for them, if you wish it. I already know some of them.’ She allowed a small smile to show. ‘But that does not mean you will ever lose your place, little bat.’

Damian felt extremely thankful that father had not managed to pick up their version of sign language yet.

“Well… as long as you’re aware.” He marched further into the manor. She followed, once more, a look of fond indulgence gleaming in her eyes.

——

She stood in front of a painting her younger brother had done.

‘I made it two weeks ago,’ he’d told her, fingers curled into her palm.

It was green. She hated green. And gold. And ominous. Rage. Harsh, bold strokes and spots where the texture of the canvas were either globbed over or painfully showing through.

Her hands traced the single stroke of blue amidst the turbulence of green.

She tucked Damian against her side and realized that perhaps he understood after all, what it felt like. Perhaps not all of it, but enough.

——

“Here is your room, ukhti.” Damian stood watch as his sister scanned the room. She quickly removed three listening devices as Damian sighed.

‘You’ve gotten better.’ She crossed the room and plucked the listening bug from its place on the door frame.

“Clearly not good enough.” Damian huffed. “But I have beaten your knife game record. What do you think of the room?”

His sister rolled her eyes and handed him a blade she pulled from somewhere on her person.

An implicit challenge.

“No cutting your fingers off, please.” Father interceded.

“Begone, father. We are doing sibling bonding, something I remember you insisting that I participate in.”

Damian shut the door on his stupefied face, matching his sister’s sharp smirk as he splayed his hand on the dresser and raised the blade.

——

Alfred walked in with a covered plate and paused at the sight of the dresser.

Then, he looked on as Damian sat at the desk, rapidly signing to his sister in their own version of the language as said sister pulled out an entire wardrobe and a half to fill in the walk-in closet.

Alfred made a note to study some more magic.

“Miss al-Ghul. I bring you a snack that young master Damian made and to inform you that the others will be arrive en masse, within an hour.” Alfred paused. “Might I interest you in a mat before the two of you decide to… take a gander at furniture redecoration in the future?”

“Of course, Pennyworth. Apologies.”

“I’ll try to make sure they won’t overwhelm you. They can be a lot, at once.” Bruce said from the doorway. Miss al Ghul glanced at him and dipped her head in thanks. Her eyes wandered right back to the dessert.

Alfred made another note.

‘You made this for me?’ She asked, switching to standard.

Damian grumbled. “Do not eat it. I could not get the spice quite right, no matter how many variations…”

‘I am sure it will be good.’ She took the plate from Alfred’s hand and uncovered it.

They all had the fortune of witnessing a true, genuine wide eyed smile from a stoic face.

Alfred inhaled sharply. He had thought Master Bruce and young master Damian had inherited Thomas’ dimples. But she had inherited his entire smile.

‘Bstilla!’ She turned to Damian. ‘My favorite! You made this?’

“I know that. I am not incompetent as to not notice when you snuck three of them from the palace kitchens. You must give me the recipe from the cooks. I could not get it to taste like the spices they used. I even imported spices!”

Miss al-Ghul, like she had forgotten he and Master Bruce were there, stabbed a fork into the pie and put it into her mouth.

“Ukhti! Don’t- do not eat that! Spit it out! The pastry is too thick and-”

She held up her hand. ‘It’s good. I know what it is missing.’

She strode to her magic bag and pulled out a bottle.

She sprinkled flakes on top and offered a forkful of b’stilla to the young master who, shockingly, did not insist on his own utensil.

His expression lightened. “This is it. What is it? You know of the chefs’ methods?”

She sprinkled the mysterious spice on the food. ‘You’ve never eaten anything the chefs have made. I made your food by hand to prevent assassinations and inoculate you against toxins. Also, this is poison.’

Alfred stiffened.

“It’s what?!” Bruce spoke up, rushing into the room, finally to try and look Damian over.

‘It is fine. He has been immune since he was three.’

Miss al Ghul placed a piece of poisoned b’stilla in her mouth and ate. Young master Damian batted his father off, saying that poison inoculation was hardly a surprise. What was a surprise, though, was something else.

“That is- you- you’re the one who made my meals?” Young Master Damian demanded, looking guilty. “But- I- why did you not tell me? I made all of those demands in the middle of the night- what about the time I sent back the knafe fifteen times?”

She nodded.

“Why would you- why did you not tell me?”

‘You knew what grandfather thought of women. And besides, it was the only time I was allowed sweets. He did not want me to ruin my figure as it would lower my marketability.’

Alfred itched for his gun.

“You are not a commodity,” Master Bruce stated, intense as he tended to be. Miss al Ghul blinked at him.

‘… I am aware. But… thank you.’

“Ah. Yes. Of course.” And there went the emotionally intelligent Master Bruce. May he rest in peace until the next time he decides to make an appearance.

“I believe today is a chocolate chip cookie day, do you not, young master Damian?”

“Yes, Pennyworth, I believe it is.”

‘I have never tried it before.’

“You will love it. Pennyworth’s cookies are the best in the world, as is expected.”

Alfred watched as young master Damian tugged his sister out and marveled. The sides of his grandson they rarely get to see was so easily pulled out by his older sister.

——

Y’all I wanted to write her meeting the siblings but Alfred came out of no where and went haha nope feel the angst of a man who lost his best friend and had to raise her vigilante child.

Alfred, seeing Bruce put on the bat cowl for the first time: martha, why have you forsaken me

——

Me: what would baby assassins play as a binding game?

Me, remembering my past as a kid: I Spy, but with trackers and bugs. oh wait… THE KNIFE GOES CHOP CHOP CHOP

——

Also, I think B’stilla was food meant only for royalty and was probably rooted in slavery, so I thought it would be a meaningful nod to her position of privilege and how she are like a king but was treated as a… bed warmer and a slave. Yeah. If anyone knowledgeable on food history wants to school me on b’stilla, feel free to do so. I did like, a cursory research at best.

[cas-edspace]

The best thing in all of the Batfam shenanigans and headcanons is the fact that no matter what it be, what they are doing, Alfred Pennyworth is just there. Never excluded, never nothing.

Panda Redd’s headcanon that the only person that could find Jason Todd during his early Red Hood days was Alfred and he gave Jason the crowbar.

I legit just read a headcanon about Dick winning the Olympics, no one knowing about this, and Alfred was in the front row. (Go check them out)

Everyone loves Alfred Pennyworth openly and I love that.

[thatcutenerdygirl]

MY TOP FIVE FAVORITE BATFAM MEMBERS IN MAIN STREAM

Alfred

Dick Grayson

Cass Cain

Damion Wayne

Stephanie Brown

Tell me yours NOW

[robintherobiner]

we need Alfred and Jim friendship.

or relationship, tbh, Bruce deserves an extra dad-

[ladybug616]

[streetlamped]

Wouldn't it be funny that during Bruce time in the time stream his shares went to Alfred. Or, like, fuck the timestream, Alfred always had like, 40% of his income since Bruce was a kid. Wouldn't it be funny if Alfred was the second richest man in Gotham. Wouldn't it be real fucking funny. Butler is the best paid job in Gotham and the best one is Alfred Pennyworth. Full time father and grandfather to a furry and some featheries. Fucking house guard too. Alfreds bedside table has his lamp, a picture of him and Bruce, a clock, and his AK-fucking-47. Alfred is the fucking goat, yall. Bruce Wayne legally cannot buy this fancy polo tee because Alfred said no. Alfred gives Bruce his allowance till this day. Like, shit, Bruce made a risky jump and hurt himself during this civilian rescue? You just got grounded. By fucking Alfred. He just Sorry Master Bruce I cut down your spendings for tomorrows outing. Whoops. Like, at charity events people be on the lookout for Alfred too.

Hed flex it infront of his grandkids too. Like. Yo Young Master Dick you wanna see what happens when you dont listen to me? Boom. Bruce's bank account is on parental lock. Young Master Jason, you want to see what happens when you fuck up my kitchen? Boom. Bruce is now banned from the kitchen forever. No more microwave lobster. Young Master Tim, I suggest you go to sleep now or Boom. Be like Bruce who is now in time out in his room until hes sleeped 6 hours. Young Master Damian Sir, try that sword trick in my fucking library like your father did again and KABLAM. Bruce is now tied to a chair. ALFRED RUNS THIS DAMNED HOUSE.

The best batfamily member is Alfred forever fuck all of you he kept this family alive and afloat ever since his son Bruce was in that alley. Best dad forever. Alfred is amazing.

[deadsetobsessions]

Lost my shit giggling at Triplet!Tim but also heartbroke? Your most recent post about Bruce finding out is the first I've seen of it, so apologies if you've already answered this! What if Alfred has known since the first time he met one of the other brothers tagged in as Tim? If so he never spilled the beans, would he have tried to compensate in his care in that case?

Hi!

Personally, I’d think that Alfred wouldn’t know about it. But, he’s be the first one to find out. I mean, I’m totally aware he’s trained as a spy and I love him, but to me it’s funnier if he had no clue. It’d be a combination of things, from the triplets having acted as a cohesive Tim unit for the entirety of their lives, the Tims playing chicken, and Alfred’s grief+trying to keep Bruce from dying would distract him enough from finding out. Logistically though, he’d definitely find out first simply because he’s in close proximity and not half dead from running around as a grief stricken vigilante bat guy.

But! If he did know about it, I’d think he’d be like “oh, master Tim, you’re too skinny! You have to eat well to be a vigilante.” And then he’d pack enough food + drive them over to the house. And he’d take notes of which “Tim” it is and their preferred tastes (Archy can’t handle bell peppers, Tim prefers chamomile tea, and Lionel is hungrier than the both of them). And he’d make medical files for all of them, because they get different injuries and therefore needs different recovery times. He’d probably eventually tell them he knows, probably before Jason comes back, and he’d totally help them keep the secret because Alfred is like the OG petty revenge king. He’d be like, “well, master Bruce, if you weren’t busy flinging yourself off of tall buildings and trying to fight the entirety of Gotham’s Underworld with your bare hands, perhaps you’d notice things with more clarity.”

Thank you for the ask!

[spookyfoxdreamer]

[thatcutenerdygirl]

Yes. Yes. Yes yes yes yes YES!

Let me star off by saying, I love Bruce and Alfred so much. In the beginning of the series, when Bruce couldn't find his utility belt thing, Alfred was like "Maybe you lost it in the same place where you lost the ability to communicate with your children". In this one Bruce is like "It shouldn't be this hard to talk to my kids" and Alfred is like "Correct as ever sir". But then hes so encouraging and is like "I think they'll be very receptive to what you have to say".

And he went in all nerves and very much unlike mainstream Bruce who would have demanded respect at all costs. Anyways, Dick is just like "Bruce we want to work this out."

Bruce goes on and is like "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." (He says more, but I'm to lazy to rewrite it here.)

Babs is like "I was angry to, Bruce. I get it. As long as you keep trying like this, we're cool." And I thought that this was good ang getting somewhere.

But then Cass says "But you said... trust. When I came here. trust. But you didn't." That was very right for the writers to put in. Cassandra Cain was raised to kill, ran away, found Babs and stuff, blah blah blah. But like, she had no one to trust, Bruce shows up in her life, becomes his daughter, and then feels betrayed by him, and I just feel bad for her.

Then Damion talks about fighting the old lady who Tim is afraid of and I love that part. Why can't main stream be like this?

But then it ends on them going to talk about patrolling. God help me wait seven days.

[itsupermanti]

Alfred is exempt, only because his catchphrase is more of a warning than terrible;

Alfred: I can’t be Batman…

KA-CHINK!!!

Alfred(taking aim with his trusty shotgun): Because Batman doesn’t use guns.

Every superhero needs a terrible catchphrase, what’s each bats (with Alfred being exempt from such ridiculousness of course)?

Dick/Nightwing: “SHAZAM!”

Jason/Red Hood: “Been dead, done that.”

Tim/Red Robin: “Red Robin, yum!”

Damian/Robin: “I am the son of Batman, grandson of Ra’s Al Ghul, heir to the League of Assassins…” etc. etc.

Duke/Signal: “You’re sending me mixed signals here”

Stephanie/Spoiler: “Spoiler alert!”

Cassandra/Orphan: “Don’t worry, this is only gonna hurt a lot”

Barbara/Oracle: “Did someone call for tech support?”

Harper/Bluebird: “Can we fix it? Yes we can!”

Carrie/Batgirl: “YEET!”

Kate/Batwoman: “Move, I’m gay.”

Bruce/Batman: “I am the darkness. I am the night. I am Batman!”

[samgirl98]

Mending a Family 18/?

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Happy belated birthday to the GOAT Alfred Pennyworth and my little meow meow Jason Peter Todd-Wayne

“So, Ellie isn’t your cousin; she’s your sister even though you’re pretending she’s your cousin.”

“Yep,” Danny said while popping the ‘p.’

It was his dad’s birthday. Auntie Raven and Uncle Roy had visited to celebrate. Right now, Danny was trying to explain his family dynamic to Lian.

“And Auntie Jazz is pretending to be your aunt, but she’s really your older sister.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m so confused.”

“The only thing you have to know is that you’re my only cousin.”

Lian was still confused but nodded, happy. She didn’t bring up Mar’i again. The last time she had, the whole mood had gone sad. She didn’t want Uncle Jay to be sad again.

“What’d you bring, daddy,” Danny asked, changing the subject. His family tree was weird, and he didn’t want to think about it anymore.

“I made him a bracelet!”

“That’s so cool! I asked Jazz to take me to a used bookstore and bought him a few books I think he might like.”

Lian giggled, “He’ll love it. Uncle Jay is a bookworm.”

Danny and Lian fell into laughing fits. The two fathers found their respective children playing and giggling amongst themselves. It warmed Roy’s and Jason’s hearts.

“Hey, munchkins, Jay is about to cut the cake. Are you guys coming?”

The two children looked at each other and ran out, their fathers following them.

 Danny and Lian ran outside to a table Jazz, and Raven had put out. Balloons and banners were decorating the table with presents in the middle.

Raven brought out the cake and set it on the table.

Jason couldn’t help but revel in the joy and contentment permeating the air.  

He felt peaceful as his little family sang the birthday song, and if he wished for his happiness to last forever, well, no one would have to know.

____

Alfred couldn’t help but feel the loss of his missing grandson as his family sang Happy Birthday.

Still, he smiled as his remaining grandchildren, son, and great-grandchild wished him a happy birthday. And when he blew out the candle wishing for his family to be complete once more, well, he was allowed to think selfishly on his special day.

They ate the chocolate cake, and he was about to open birthday presents when the doorbell rang. Alfred’s heart skipped a beat. Could it be…?

No, better not to get his hopes high.

“I’ll get it,” Bruce said.

The family continued celebrating.

Bruce came back with a package, his eyes misting a little.

“It’s for you, Alfred. It’s from Jason.”

The room got quiet. Alfred got the package with shaking hands and opened it. Everyone in the room waited with bated breath. Here was the proof that Jason was alive.

Alfred took out a first-edition Dracula signed by Bram Stroker.

His grandson hadn’t forgotten him. He sent Alfred a birthday present that was special between the two of them.

Alfred couldn’t send him a present.

The older man couldn’t help but cry.

Have some fluff; have some angst

@idontgetpaidenoughforthisshit @skulld3mort-1fan @theauthorandtheartist @emergentpanda-blog @jaggedheart11 @fisticuffsatapplebees @booberrylizard @fantasticbluebirdfan @thegatorsgooseoose @cyrwrites @kjoboo91 @crystallicedart @amaramizuki666 @spekulatiusmuffin @meira-3919 @kilasmess @bubblemixer @lexdamo @wonderland-daisy @mj-arts-n-stuff @amyheart19 @dolfay @the-church-grimm @undead-essence @aph-mable @lizisipancardo @purrloin77 @writer-extraodinaire @charlietheepic7 @sinfulloccultist @nootherusernameworked @coruscateselene @chaoticchange @itsberrydreemurstuff @gmkelz11 @feral-bunny31 @paroovian @thatonegaybitch68 @d4ydr34min9 @overtherose @fandomwandererer @vipower001 @thordottir45 @blackrabbitt3t @rosecinnamonbun @bianca-hooks123 @epilepticnerd @dat1angel @consouling @flamingenchiladadragon @all-mights-asscheeks

[weebsinstash]

So hey while we're talking about overbearing yandere figures that may either be romantic or platonic or even parental based on your preference, you wanna know who would REALLY be impossible to escape from? Bruce Wayne

He's literally already got like what, 6 or 7 kids he's adopted and taken under his wing for varying reasons, his own little Batfamily living with him in his house as he works through varying types and levels of trauma. God forbid you meet him in some sort of "your parents were murdered and you're basically another Robin he adopted" scenario because i imagine he never. Let's you really age out of that. Like you may stop being a sidekick and a crime fighter but like, leaving the Manor, the family, him? That's too dangerous. What if an old nemesis of yours comes back, or someone targets you to get to him? It's safer if you stay home and all your siblings just care for you so much 🥺

You just get absolutely NO privacy because you know that entire mansion is just bugged literally everywhere, you're in your room on your phone browsing the web, fucking Bruce is down in the cave on the Batcomputer watching your browsing history (and god imagine if he even, like, imposes some basic ass borderline purity culture kind of shit on you and keeps you away from like, adult stuff, or really just anything he thinks will be a bad influence)

You somehow manage to slip away from him (already unlikely) and he probably has you or a possession of yours microchipped. And then there's a matter of not just having to slip away from him, but also Dick, Barbara, fuck you think JASON is going to watch you set out on those harsh streets? Alfred alone can put your ass in some kind of time out, that special Pennyworth sleepy time tea he likes to give you for anxiety is a lil too sleepy if you kwim. Bruce and the rest are off doing hero shit that you refuse to do anymore "because that's gay, you guys cripple people for stealing from the gas station, what does your moral absolutism actually accomplish if you actively facilitate half the crimes you 'solve'" and you're just like chilling with Alfred at the dinner table and you look up, "I think I want to get a job and move out" and he's lending you an ear and some dry wit and advice while you two drink tea and before you know it he's practically got to catch your forehead from slamming against the table, you pass out so hard, and then there's oh so loyal Alfred on the phone, "Master Wayne, I believe there's a certain talking-to that needs to be had whenever you return to the manor--"

I just can't even imagine the scope of surveillance you would be under after earning a spot in the heart of the world's greatest detective like, arguably the most GOATed member of the Justice League and he isn't even fucking magic. And you finally get away from him, the Batfamily, all of em, and you know who you get to deal with THEN? His buddy Clark. Have fun so much as hiding in a building or wearing a disguise from the fucking alien with XRAY VISION who can "fly faster than a speeding bullet", who can basically think and process thoughts as equally fast

And also just, lmaoooo good luck having sex or bringing a boy or someone home when you have like 4 protective brothers, a loyal hound, like 3 sisters, a stepmom, two of them if Selina is over, a borderline black ops butler, and the unhinged controlling billionaire orphan who binds them all together

[howdoidecidethjs]

Alfred (the heart and soul of the batfamily, he loves them more than words can describe, and also thinks they are borderline insane, but no one else is allowed to say that, because then the 'all hands' Alfred will show up, and then we'll have bodies to bury, but thats okay cause his kids are safe, and thats all that matters really) Pennyworth

Okay so I know Jason gets a copy of this/has the original but I firmly believe that all the Robins' graduation photos decorate Alfred's room.

[friendly-books]

Dresden files Skin Game live blog

Dresden files Skin Game

“Hadn’t shown up or spoken to me for more than a year.” pg. 9 It’s been more than a year!?

“Parkour” pg. 10 Ha

“This guy just sounded…British” pg. 13 Interesting

“Did you hear me, Warden? Piss. Off.” pg. 13 Ha

“Someone who needs to be here. Go away boy.” pg. 13 Even more interesting Is this the original Merlin? No this guy is speaking modern British English. Do we know for certain that current Merlin isn’t body snatched?

“I HAVE SUPPRESSED THE PARASITE FOR NOW.” pg. 14 Bonnie! Can Mab and Deamonreach stop calling Bonnie a parasite

“ALFRED,” the  spirit said soberly. “IS THIS TO  BE MY NEW NAME.” pg. 15 Aw Deamonreach has a new name :) Like Alfred Pennyworth?

“Look it’s a mortal thing. Just do the left one, okay?” pg. 24 Why the left ear?

“That voice had once been smooth and flowing, but now there was a hint of rasp to it, a roughness that wasn’t there before, like silk gliding over old gravel. pg. 30 Bi Harry moment 35

“Brother Jordan, approach.” pg. 32 Oh the monk has a name. He’ll be important

What a way to reintroduce the nickle heads. Scary and creepy

“It is done father”

Nicodemus kissed her on the mouth. And, my God, him doing it with tongue now was even more unsettling than it had been the first time I’d seen it.” pg. 34 Yuck and the way I jerked back in disgust

“Anduriel once loaned me the services of his…associate. I now repay that debt by loaning you the services of mine.” pg. 35 What

Oh this is a heist book! They’re going to rob Hades this is going to fun

“Have you been playing attention, past couple last years? Do you have any doubt that I would rather die than be part of something like that?” pg. 41 Yep

“Mab slapped me.” pg. 43 Ouch

Ah Mab is expecting Harry to double cross Nicky

Mister!

“I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed the little fireball until he’d come running up and thrown his shoulders against my shins.” pg. 49 Aw :)

“The Blue Beetle was not a clown car,” I said severely “It was a machine of justice.” pg. 49 Ha and I miss the Blue Beetle

“You’re a creature of habit, Harry. And they took away all the familiar places and things in your life. They hurt you.” pg. 49 Yep

Yes take Murphy with you to burgle Hades

Surly Nicky wants some holy relic? Holy grail? Turn this book into an Indiana Jones movie :)

“A warlock” pg. 60 Oh interesting

“Hot,” Karrin said, her tone neutral, observation” pg. 62 Is…is Murphy bi as well? I’ll put that down as a maybe Bi Murphy 1

“Ernest Armand Timwhistle” I said

“Name that goofy, don’t blame him for wanting to use an alias.” pg. 61 Ha

“Goats. Huh. pg. 71 What

“Hi, Jorden” pg. 72 So Jorden is going to be redeemed or pull a heel face turn (switch sides) cause the monks don’t usually get names and this much screen time

“And since when had I become the guy that things happened to ten years ago?” pg. 80 Death Mask happened ten years ago?

“I raised my hand” pg. 80 Ha

“Miss Murphy could serve as your driver. She has the shoes for it.”

I couldn’t actually hear Karrin grind her teeth, but I knew she had.” pg. 81 Ha and I love how Harry uses Murphy’s first name

“Goodman Gray.” pg. 81 Who?

“Anna Valmont” pg. 81 Anna!

“She gave me a slow and blatant once-over, that small smirk still on her mouth.

I’m pretty sure the temperature of the room didn’t literally go up, but I couldn’t have sworn  to it” pg. 83 Ha

“Like you’re expecting ninja’s to leap out of the trash can. This is a party.” pg. 91 Given that it’s Harry the party isn’t going to end well

“And for God’s sake, smile

I smiled

“Maybe without clenching your jaw” pg. 92 Ha

“In me, the hotel’s thugs recognized another of their kind-and one who was taller and had better scars than they did.” pg. 93 Cool

“Or you walk” pg. 100 Walk away Anna!

“I wanted to tear my hair out.” pg. 101 Same Harry same

“Hell’s bells” I swore “I told her so. Nothings ever simple.” pg. 102 Yep

“Octokongs,” I pronounced grimly “Why did it have to be Octokongs.” pg. 103 Ha

“Lucky for me.

I’m not really a subtle guy.” pg. 105 Ha

“So, basically: Harry Dresden one, peaceful gathering: zero” pg. 106 Ha and has Harry ever been to a party that hasn’t ended in disaster?

“I mean I’m good with fire.

But Hannah was good with fire.” pg. 115 Someone who’s better at fire magic than Harry?!

“I hear other things. Wild things. That you help people. That you’ll fight anyone.” pg. 122 Yes Harry helps people

What’s with all these questions from Hannah? Is she trying to learn more about Harry? Judging him? Wanting to know his character? Why?

Butters!

“Harry,” he said when I came in, offering me his hand. “We have got to stop meeting like this.” pg. 132 Ha

“Open your eyes, you fool. She’s right in front of…” pg. 135 Oh interesting is this Harry’s subconscious ID? Is he talking about Bonnie?

“I’m sure he’ll be very pleased” pg. 137 Yes Bob will be pleased

Oh no Butters doesn’t trust Harry :(

“I’ll take the couch,” I said

“You don’t fit on it, you bonehead.” pg. 144 Ha

“Is that a bazooka?”

“No,” she said “That is an AT4 rocket launcher. Way better than a bazooka.” pg. 145 Ha

Molly!

“It was a good kiss” pg. 154 Ahhh!!! :) Yes Harry/Murphy kiss

“He’ll hath no fury like a women scorned” she purred

And then she pulled the trigger.” pg. 159 What. Eh? What just happened?! Was all this just a dream? What. WHAT JUST HAPPENED Jim JIM why? WHY? Why would you do this?

“Oh come on,” I panted. “Not even in the dream. That’s ri-goddamned-diculous!” pg. 159 Same Harry same

“But they were doughnuts of darkness. Evil, damned doughnuts, tainted by the spawn of darkness…

…which could obviously be redeemed only by passing through the fiery, cleansing inferno of a wizardly digestive tract.” pg. 165 Ha

“His features were clean-cut, pleasant, without being handsome.” pg. 166 Bi Harry 36

I’m counting it

“She was also Nicodemus’s estranged wife, a sorceress, and all around piece of bad news.” pg. 182 What’s Tessa doing here? Why are her and Nicky still together? Just get a divorce. So this book is going to be a heist book and getting into Nicky’s family problems

I forgot how young Tessa looks like.

Oh no ghouls

Go Gary!

“Harvey Morrison’s corpse lay on the other side.” pg. 210 Oh no :(

“The dead don’t need justice. That’s for those of us who are left looking down at the remains.” pg. 213 Yep

Michael!

“I think I need help,” I heard myself whispered, voice little more than a rasp. “I think I’m lost.” pg. 218 Aw :(

“I don’t know if I’m one of the good guys anymore.” pg. 223 Poor Harry :(

“…so arrogant” Michael breathed.

I blinked” pg. 227 Ha

“Because I know you, Harry Dresden.” Michael said. “You are pathetically incapable of knowing when to quit. You don’t surrender. And I don’t believe for a second that you actually intend to help Nicodemus do whatever it is he’s doing.” pg. 230 Yep

“I’m not sure if you noticed this. But things did not go well for the last monster who raised his hand against your child. Or any of his friends. Or associates. Or anyone who worked for him. Or for most of the people he knew.” pg. 234 Yep

I miss Lash :(

“Chow down, buddy. They’re hot, so don’t let the cheese burn your ton- Oh, right. Sorry.” pg. 240 Ha

“Women,” Binder said scornfully.

Karrin and Ascher both eyed him.

He folded his arms. “I’m certainly older than any you sprats.” pg. 244 Ernest Armand Timwhistle! >:( Can Murphy punch him? Can I punch him? Look someone needs to punch him by the end of this book I swear

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” I said “Does this master plan have half coverage?”

“Dresden,” Nicodemus said

“Because that kind of thing is getting to be more and more important. I mean, I know the government probably means well and all, but those people honestly.”

Nicodemus eyed me

“Life insurance seems like something that would be worthwhile, too?” I looked up at Ascher and winked. “Maybe we should strike until we get a whole life policy.”

Ascher flashed me a quick grin and said, “I’ve always thought that insurance was more or less betting against myself,”

“Nah,” Binder said. “In my experience, you’re just playing the odds.”

“Children” Nicodemus said with a sigh, “shall we focus on the matter on hand?”

“But I haven’t even had the chance to dip Deirdre pigtails in my inkwell,” pg. 252 Ha

“Nicodemus’s left eye began to twitch.” pg. 254 Ha

“I dealt with the White Council my whole life, so I’m used to being treated like a mushroom-“Eh?” Ascher asked

“Kept in the dark and fed bullshit.” Binder reported calmly.

“Ah” pg. 257 Ha

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” Karrin said quietly

Nicodemus made a face in her direction “Miss Murphy please” pg. 259 Ha

“The bloody Holy Grail? Is he bloody kidding?” pg. 259 I’ll say it again I was joking about it being the Holy Grail I wasn’t supposed to be right

“I’d rarely seen the kind of power that River Shoulders, the Forest Person I’d met several times before, had displayed, physically and otherwise,” pg. 264 Who’s River Shoulders? And don’t mess with Forest Person

Harry’s Id! It’s been awhile

“Then how come you haven’t banged Murphy yet?”

“Because,” I said, growing frustrated, “we aren’t…We haven’t gotten to…There’s been a lot of…Look, fuck off” pg. 272 Ha

“Get thee to a therapist” pg. 275 Finally someone says it to Harry

“You’re saying…I’m pregnant” pg. 276 Yes! Bonnie

I love that Bonnie looks like a combination of all the women in Harry’s life

“Protect the offspring”

Primal drives indeed” pg. 280 Yep

“Then she’d tortured me for a while, assuring me that it would give me strength” pg. 285 Lea did what now?

“Damn Mab. I could have been back here months and months ago.” pg. 290 Yep

“I can’t believe you met a Bigfoot and you never told me.” pg. 293 I still can’t believe Bigfoot is real

“She sat on the floor, rocking back and forth helplessly with laughter.” pg. 295 Ha

“She looked…disturbed” pg. 300 Well that’s not good

“He’s an awesome cat” pg. 305 Yes Mister is awesome

“Well not at bath time…” pg.  305 Ha

“And it belongs to Gentlemen John Marcone, Accorded Baron of Chicago” pg. 309 YES LET’S GO!!! Marcone mentioned :)

“Marcone is dangerous” pg. 310 Yep

“Gentleman” Johnnie Marcone” pg. 310 Again with that spelling

“I’m sure the White Council will be stunned and disappointed should you not confirm to their policy.” pg. 312 Ha

“He would have made a fine monarch only a few centuries ago.” pg. 312 Yep I think Marcone would make a good king

“I still remembered Marcone as a helpless prisoner. The image had kind of stuck in my memory.” pg. 313 Yep and I wonder why the memory stuck with Harry

“Marcone doesn’t suffer slight intrusions on his territory. Period.” pg. 312 Yep

“Look if he’s a man of business, why don’t we just make him a proposition and cut him in for a piece of the action?” pg. 313 Well Harry could say please and I’m sure Marcone would agree to open the vault :)

“Marcone is not a dummy” pg. 317 Yep

“It’s Butters. They’re going to kill him.” pg. 323 Oh no Butters

The stake board butters made is cool

“Damn. Bob was kind of awesome.” pg. 334 Yep Bob is amazing

“It had been a good long while since I’d had a freaking lion coming at me, and at the time it had been one of the genuine flesh and blood variety, from the zoo” pg. 336 What

“I hated this cards-close-to-the-chest thing” pg. 343 Yep

“Because it is obvious to me that you love him” pg. 350 Yep Murphy loves Harry

Fidelacchius!

“So,” he hissed “the burnout thinks she has found her new calling” pg. 353 Nick that’s rude

“I’m giving you ample chance to call off your dog before I put her down.” pg. 354 I’ll say it again Nick that’s rude

“Nicodemus smiled, still, his eyes and hands steady hands. He reached up and undid the Noose tied about his throat, and let it fall to the ground beside the Coin” pg. 357 No wait what’s Nick planning?

“The Sword of Faith was no more.” pg. 360 Oh no

Oh no Murphy

Micheal!

Uriel!

“A sudden, sunny smile lit Michael’s face. “My friend…”

Uriel blinked, rocked slightly, as if the words had struck him with physical force.

“…thank you,” Michael continued “But I’m not the Carpenter that set the standard.” pg. 367 Aw my heart :)

“Correct,” Uriel said “but I can help him do so” pg. 371 Yes

Micheal has Amoracchius! Let’s go!

“Some cosmic limitation that keeps you from picking up your corner of the coat?” pg. 375 Ha

“I have loaned you my Grace” pg. 381 Oh interesting

“I would Fall” pg. 383 Oh dear

“I would, however, appreciate it if you…did not push any buttons or pull any the levers in my great passenger jet” pg. 383 Ha

“Holy. Crap. He’s mortal?”

“And he can die” pg. 383 Oh no

“Can you tell me what is at stake, that I should risk this?

“Uriel frowned considering the question for a moment then he said “A soul”

Michael raised his eyebrows “Oh,” he said. “You should have said that from the beginning” pg. 385 Yep

“At the top of the stairs stood two figures-an enormous dog and a little girl.” pg. 391 Mouse and Maggie! Ahhh I’m not ready ahhh

“Are you mad at me?” pg. 393 ow my heart :(

“Do you want to be my dad?” pg. 393 my heart

“but you don’t know what Marcone is like.” pg. 402 Harry, Marcone wouldn’t hurt Michael. You should know better

“Because apparently they go out and use the Coins to get snacks out of the vending machine, the things go in circulation so fast” pg. 403 Ha

“Binder and Ascher both tilted their heads to one side, like dogs that have just heard a new noise.” pg. 408 Ha

“I am the king of load and distracting” pg. 423 Ha and yep

“Yeah, well. Sometimes, when I get bored, I stop and think.” pg. 423 Ha

“Because my brother’s girlfriend had seen Marcone defending one of his strongholds with her own eyes a few years before, against an angry Former sorcerer.” pg. 437 I’ve got to read Even hand

“The Black Hole?” Gary asked incredulously. “Nobody quotes The Black Hole” pg. 448 Ha

Harry’s destroying everything in this place. Marcone better have insurance.

“I have not invested fifteen centuries to see it thrown away.” pg. 456 What investment?

Too many bugs

“Michael still thought I was a good man.” pg. 460 Aw :)

“Nicodemus had probably an idle afternoon, every few decades, throwing a sword around for fun.” pg. 471 Nick needs a different hobby

“and certainly not to the degree I’d been prepared back in my old lab at my apartment.” pg. 474 I miss Harry’s lab

“My imagination needs therapy.” pg. 486 Harry you need therapy

“Harry,” Michael said “I’m almost certain one doesn’t shout ‘Parkour’ I believe one is supposed to simply do Parkour.”

“Do I criticize your Latin battle cries? No, never once”

“That’s true” pg. 490 Ha

“Because we have come to the Gate of Blood, children.”

“The time has come for one of you to die.” pg. 491 Blood for the blood God. Who’s Nick going to kill? And why is there still 100 pages left?

“Right. We’ll fight you. Not each other. In case that wasn’t clear.” pg. 493

“It was angled thrust, up beneath the sternum and directly into the heart” pg. 498 AAAHHH!!! WHAT? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? NICK JUST KILLED HIS OWN DAUGHTER!? WHY?

Hades!

Cerberus!

“People ask him questions” pg. 518 Ha poor Sacrates

“Her mother failed to cope. Empty-nest syndrome.” pg. 520 Ha

“Mab. This is Mab’s play, isn’t it?” pg. 521 Yep Mab’s scheming

“You’re a Genuine Greek god. You’re the Lord of the Underworld. And…you named your dog Spot?” pg. 523 Aw that’s adorable :)

“The people she hurt. And she gets stake justice?” pg. 525 I have mixed emotions about Deirdre.

“Hey, is that the Shroud?” pg. 529 What Was the other a fake? Is that why it didn’t work? Would the real one help Amanda? Does Marcone know that Hade’s has the real one?

“Pffffft” I said “What? No. That’s absurd. Maybe a little. Some people might think so. She’s got, uh, one of those faces” pg. 532 Ha and I thought Harry got better at lying

“It’s not an Indiana Jones movie, man.” pg. 534 Ha

“This I thought is just about your best plan ever Harry” pg. 536 Ha

“Hells bells I was hurting him” pg. 537 Good

“Do you remember?” I asked in a very quiet voice. “The first time you saw her? The first time she looked at you? Do you remember that change? That shift, when the whole universe suddenly tilted? Do you remember looking at her and knowing that you would never, ever be quite the same person? Do you think the cup will do that for you?” pg. 537

“I don’t know how you said it back in your day but I’ll bet you anything that her first word was dada” pg. 538 Yes Harry let Nicky have it. Make sure he knows what he did and the consequences of it. Make Nicky regret it. This is such a good speech.

“Lucifer must have looked exactly like that, right before things went to Hell.” pg. 547 Yep and this does make me worry about Marcone

“Lasciel” pg. 549 Oh no and I can’t believe Hannah is the partner of Lasciel. When I said I missed Lash this wasn’t what I had in mind

“Hello lover” pg. 549 Ha

“You and I definitely need to have a talk with the Church about the word ‘safekeeping’ means” pg. 549 Ha

“When you destroyed the Red Court, you killed most of the Fellowship with it. All the half vampires more than a few decades old just withered away in front of our eyes.” pg. 551 Ouch

“We wouldn’t have worked out, babe,” pg. 552 Ha

Lasciel better not get Bonnie

“Game over, man. Game over” Yoooo

“I scowled and futzed with it a little more, just to show her that I could” pg. 557 Ha

Vadderung!

“Mac’s beer is excellent argument that there was a God and that furthermore, He wants us to be happy” pg. 561 Ha

“Nicodemus knows nearly as much as I do” pg. 563 Scary

“Prove it” I said “Say ‘ho ho ho”

“Ho ho ho” he replied genially.” pg. 565 Ha

“I’d carved the same spell in my new wizard staff

Seventy-seven times.” pg. 570 Cool and why seventy-seven?

“Either you’ve done your homework or you haven’t, and despite the advantage of having Lasciel in her corner, Ascher wasn’t ready for something like this.” pg. 571 I wonder if this applies to Marcone surely he ‘did his homework’

“I had never seen Michael going all out.” pg. 572 Go Michael!

“Are you willing to accept such a loss?”

“Yep” pg. 574 Ha

“Only a flesh wound”

“Yeah” I said. “Tis but a scratch. Come on ya pansy.”

He blinked and looked at me “Pansy?”

“Oh” I said “You weren’t quoting the movie. Sorry.”

“Movie?”

“Holy Grail”

“Nicodemus still has it.”

I sighed “Never mind” pg. 576 Ha

“Ventas cyclis” pg. 580 Oh we haven’t seen this spell in awhile

“It was actually damned beautiful” pg. 580 I’m glad Harry can still see magic as beautiful even when being attacked

“And, that right there, she showed me the fundamental difference between us.

I loved magic for its own sake. She didn’t.

The Art can be a lot of work, and it can sometimes be tedious, and sometimes painful, but at the end of the day, I love it. I love the focus of it, the discipline, the balance. I love working with the energy and exploring what can be done with it. I love the gathering tension of a spell, and the almost painful clarity of focus required to concentrate that tension into an effect. I love the practice of it as well the theory, the research, experimenting with new spells, teaching others about magic. I love laying down spells on my various pieces of my magical gear, and most of all, I love it when I can use my talents to make a difference in the world, even when it’s only a small one.

Ascher…enjoyed blowing stuff up and burning things down. She’s good at it. But she didn’t love her talent for the miracle it was.

She merely loved what she could do with it.” pg. 583 I love this quote! I love the differences between Harry and Hannah.

“Elemental destruction in a large but ultimately enclosed area” pg. 584 Oh no

Poor Hannah :( I was hoping she could be redeemed

“Parkour” I panted “Bitch” pg. 600 Ha and I love that Harry used parkour to defeat Genoskwa and Ursiel

“From one father to another” he called “Well played” pg. 604 Oh no Nick knows that Harry’s a dad

“He’s going to your house” I breathed “He’s going after our families” pg. 606 Oh no

“I hadn’t ridden a horse since my days on Ebenezar’s farm down in the Ozarks, but I’d done it every day down there, and the muscle memory was still in place” pg. 620 Harry the horse girl. And it’s cool that Gary can turn into a horse

“In the doorway to the kitchen stood Uriel. He was wearing an apron. There was what appeared to be pancake flour staining his shirt.” pg. 626 Ha

“Nice try” Butters said “Mister where I come from there is no try” pg. 644 LET’S GO!!! The sword turned into a lightsaber!

“Of course, the first thing you want to know is if someone else is alright” pg. 649 Yep

“Oh,” said the little spirit “Hi. Good” pg. 650 I LOVE BONNIE!

“I know Marcone.” I said “He knows me. I’ll use it to keep him off of all us.” pg. 657 Yes Harry you know Marcone :)

“You didn’t choose to be the son of Margret LeFay. You didn’t choose the legacy she left you with her blood. And she was a piece of work, kid. I knew her.” pg. 660 Gray knew Harry’s mom?!

“Can you loan me a dollar” pg. 661 Ha

Redemption for Jordan!

“I took the extra diamonds and went to see Marcone.” pg. 663 Yes time to see Marcone! :)

“Wearing a charcoal-gray suit” pg. 665 Looking at Marcone’s suit :)

“There might have been slightly more silver at his temples than last time I’d seen him, but it only made him look more distinguished. Otherwise, he looked exactly as he did: calm, alert, impeccably groomed, and as merciful as a lawn mower’s blade.” pg. 665 Bi Harry 37

“A ghost of a smile haunted Marcone’s lips.” pg. 666 Oh why you looking at Marcone’s lips Harry?

“Marcone’s eyes, the exact green shade of old dollar bills, focused pleasantly on me.” pg. 666 Bi Harry moment 38 Focusing on Marcone’s pretty eyes and ‘pleasantly’ too :)

“Marcone’s expression rarely showed much-but his eyes widened, if only for an instant, as he saw the stones.

I stared at Marcone without blinking or looking away.

Marcone looked up from the diamonds and returned my stare for a long time.” pg. 669 I wonder what Marcone is thinking?

“A Jewish Knight of the Cross?” pg. 675 Ha

“I stood, leaned over the bed, and kissed her on the mouth.” pg. 675 Yay!

Final thoughts

This is now my favorite book out of the series! I loved the fights and the jokes. I liked that it was a heist book. I adore that Butters is now a knight of the cross. I liked Bob in this book. I liked Gray and his payment. I love Bonnie and Maggie. Marcone was in it that’s always good. I’m still shocked that Nicky killed his own daughter. Their family and relationship is definitely getting its own comment. We got three Bi Harry moments in this book bringing our total up to 38! And two thirds are of Marcone. Wish we got more banter between those two. Marcone was weirdly silent. I loved the dad Harry moments. I’m glad Jordan got redeemed and I’m sad Hannah died. I’ve got so many mixed feelings about Desire and Nicky. I liked the monologues and speeches in this book. I feel like I need to reread the book now that I know that Gray is a mole. 

Onto Brief Cases and Monster

[martyrbat]

surprise! surprise! — batman family #11

(ID below cut!)

[ID: Commissioner Gordon walking out of the G.C.P.D. in a green coat and hat on a beautiful sunny day! The narration guides: ‘February 19th, 1:30 P.M. — a surprisingly early time for Police Commissioner James W. Gordon to be quitting work for the day! Even more surprising — look who is waiting to pick up the commissioner... Alfred Pennyworth! Which segues into our next surprise — the first co-starring roles of the dauntless duo: Commissioner Gordon and Batman's Butler Alfred! Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice once said, and you can bet what transpires in these pages will be a... “Surprise! Surprise!”’ Gordon greets Alfred and enters a blue car as the butler starts to drive them. He checks, “Everything going smoothly, Alfred?” Alfred reassures the commissioner, “Like clockwork, sir! Master Bruce has an appointment with a dear old friend of his. He'll not miss me!”

The narration reads: ‘Guides on the tour bus through the area call this “stately Wayne Manor” — but despite its immaculate appearance and fine upkeep there is nobody living there... which partially explains the elaborate safety precautions its owner has taken...’ Alfred parks outside the imperial manor and proceeds to undo three keyed locks, Commisoner Gordon noting, “Bruce certainly keeps this place locked up tight!” Alfred politely dismisses, “The master maintains a superior security system to protect his property, sir! As you undoubtedly know, the crime-rate is frighteningly high in this area!

Alfred holds open the front door and beckons Gordon, “Here we are! After you, commissioner!” Gordon walks in but requests, “Thanks, Alfred — but since we're partners in this, can't you stop playing the man-servant?” Alfred draws back in surprise at being politely reprimanded. “Oh... uh, sorry, sir! It's my upbringing, you understand. My parents were in service before me.”

‘And shortly, as the ‘partners’ begin...’ Alfred and Gordon are starting to hang up a large, magenta pink banner that says ‘happy birthday Bruce’! Alfred tells him, “This surprise birthday party for Master Bruce is a top-flight idea, commissioner! ” Gordon is climbing up a ladder, now with his coat off and wearing a tucked in, light blue button down shirt and black tie. He responds, “Considering all the aid he's given me and my department over the years — it's the least I could do as a friend! Now, what say we hang the banner on this wall?” But Alfred internally frets! ‘Good grief! The secret elevator to the Batcave is behind that wall! If the commissioner were to accidentally trigger the sliding panel—’

He suggests, “Begging your pardon, sir! May I suggest it would hang much better over here—?” Gordon agrees, saying that Alfred knows best. Although, he's shown to be secretly suspicious at Alfred's nervous mannerisms. They hang the banter and Gordon chimes, “Not a bad job for two old goats, eh, Alfred? Now I must call the airport and see if Kathy Kane's flight will be on time — may I?” He reaches for a rotary phone and Alfred responds, albeit completely dubiously, “Why... er... of course, sir! All the phones are in working order! I shall be in the kitchen, preparing the hors d'oeuvres!”

However Batman's butler never makes it to the kitchen! He spies on Gordon from around the corner of a wall and thinks, ‘The unmarked button on that telephone is Batman's hot line to the commissioner's office! A capable detective like himself will be intrigued by the signal it gives off if he hits that button!’ Meanwhile Gordon contemplates to himself, ‘Wonder why Alfred's so uptight—? 'course, it could be the surprise party — and yet... Hmmm... An unmarked line — what?!’ Gordon hits the unmarked button again and again (and again) until it loudly beeps! Alfred thinks to himself, ‘This is a sticky wicket! I've got to think like The Batman — to keep the commissioner from stumbling onto the master's identity or this really will be a surprise party!’

He slips behind the grandfather's clock that secretly leads to the Batcave! And though he is not the quick-change artist that The Batman is — only scant seconds tick off until he emerges in a dark sweater, green pants, and boots. He has a dark beanie on and a bandana over his lower face to disguise himself as a burglar. He plots, ‘Now to keep the commissioner occupied — with a merry chase!’ as Gordon starts to look at the wall from earlier. He thinks, ‘I'd never snoop around like this if anyone were here — but Alfred acted so awfully strange about this wall—’ but before he can investigate any futher, Alfred bursts out of no where in his burglar costume! The commissioner shouts, “Freeze, mister! What are you doing here? Stop — in the name of the law!’ He internally chides himself, ‘Hmmph! Never thought I'd hear myself talking like one of those tv-lawmen!’

Gordon muses that he's glad he kept in good shape since it won't be easy chasing that prowler before tackling the supposed burglar! In reality, Alfred ends up hitting his head! Gordon thinks, ‘How about that! I've still got the old oomph!’ before having his self esteem crushed by being kicked in the head by Alfred. The butler scrambles to get on his feet to escape before Gordon can unmask him and reflects that, evidently, this wasn't as good as a five second plan as he initially thought it would be. He flees from the backdoor to lure Gordon outdoors! The commissioner thinks, ‘Sure wish I still carried my service revolver! A warning shot might convince him to surrender!’ but starts chasing the burglar on foot anyways! They disappear through the woods and eventually, Gordon has to condemn himself for losing trail of him and how the Batman would never make a similar error.

But at last, both men return to the manor. Alfred pants as he leans against the grandfather clock and reflects, ‘I'm not a youngster anymore! But luckily, I made my way to the Batmobile exit from the Batcave — and got back here before the commissioner! And speaking of the devil...’ He straightens up and greets, “Ah, commissioner! Been out looking over the grounds?” Gordon corrects him, “Chasing a burglar, Alfred — but he got away!” Alfred forges frightened shock! “A burglar? Good gracious I'd best check the silver!” Gordon reassures him, “Don't bother! I ‘surprised’ him before he could rip off anything!”

Alfred awkwardly suggests, “Should I... er... call the police?” But a panel pointedly shows Commissioner Gordon noticing Alfred's change in footwear and that it's the same shoe that kicked him earlier. He shuts down the idea, “No...It'd be a waste of time! That's one burglar I doubt we'll ever see again!” But before Alfred can clumsily get out of the situation, a voice calls out and thankfully interrupts them!

“Hello — anybody home?” Alfred rushes to greet the new guest, “Master Dick — and Miss. Lori!” Dick Grayson smiles as he carries a present wrapped in pink paper and a matching and a paper bag! He asks, “How are things going? It's almost time for the other guests to arrive.” Before Alfred can answer, Dick eagerly continues, “I brought some more decorations — so let's get this show on the road!” Lori volunteers to help Alfred in the kitchen!

At 6:30 P.M. a shiny red sports car pulls in front of the manor! In it, Bruce Wayne and news photographer Vicki Vale Powers step out! Bruce is wearing a black turtleneck as Vicki is in a two piece pink dress and matching jacket. He charmingly offers his hand to help her out of the luxurious car and suavely asks her, “What's your husband going to say when he finds out you came to this big, dark house alone with me — your ex-boyfriend?” She reassures him, “It's one of the hazards of the job, Bruce! Besides, I need the pictures tonight for my photo-feature on the ‘stately homes of Gotham’!

Bruce escorts her inside while helping her out of her jacket. He starts to tell her, “I sure hope what you shoot is worth the—” but his shameless flirting is cut short by the reveal of a room filled with guest! They shout surprise and start to sing happy birthday to him as Vicki proceeds to introduce Bruce to her husband, Tom Powers. He tells Bruce he's glad to ‘know’ him before Vicki continues to talk, “Bruce, I was hoping a special friend of yours would be here — The Batman!” But before Bruce can respond, Gordon speaks up! “Don't let it bother you, Vicki! The Batman is here — in spirit! Right, Bruce? Dick? Alfred?” He looks at Alfred as he talks as the three men stare at him in shocked silence!

END ID]