#alexxisokay

[alexxisokay]

what a sad story

I don’t think I will ever feel my size,

And I don’t mean physically. 

I mean that no matter how far I go, 

Or what great achievements 

I get along the way, 

I will always feel like 

A small child.

A guppy in too big of a bowl, 

So all I do is hide. 

I might grow to be the same size as the other fish

But at the end of the day,

I’m still the same as I was.

A baby, 

Forced to hide in a world where 

all she wanted was 

to be seen. 

What a sad story

[alexxisokay]

bloody stained hands

You bled all over everything, 

And I’m left trying to clean up the mess.

I’ll scrub the floor clean 

Until my fingers bleed

But that won’t rid me of you. 

The blood has already stained, 

And you know stains don’t go away. 

Bloody stained hands 

[alexxisokay]

If love was contagious, I might be immune to it.

It’s not fair.

Why do you get to be in a happy,

Committed, year long relationship

When you were the one who was disloyal.

You played me and ripped my heart out of my chest 

And out of the two of us, 

you get the happy ending?

Never once did I wrong you,

I know you know that.

Why can’t I be lucky in the game of love this time? 

I just want to be loved 

And cherished 

The way I do for others. 

I’m so in love with love and being in love, 

But I don’t experience it fully because it’s never the same

On both sides. 

You got a girlfriend and I got cheated on, again. 

It’s not fair

It’s not fair

It’s not fair

It’s not fucking fair.

I think I’ll always resent you 

Because unlike yours, 

My memories of you are so bitter 

I convinced myself they were sweet,

But sugar dissolves. 

If love was contagious, I might be immune to it.

[alexxisokay]

summer depression

I have a love-hate relationship with the summer, 

I love her warmth and gentle breeze 

But I hate the uncertainty that comes along with her months. 

I don’t know what these 8 weeks will hold,

Although the cards don’t seem to be in my favor this year

As my last summer as a teenager continues to 

Slowly slip out of my grasp. 

As the people I love keep moving further and further away from me,

Soon coming home will feel more like solitary confinement

Then a place of joyful nostalgia.

But, Was it ever joyful to begin with?

I don’t know, but I know the people made it better.

Without them, all I’m left with is the walls of the house

That made me half a person. 

summer depression

[alexxisokay]

i lost a part of me because of you

I want to say that you didn’t make me cold,

That although you hurt me

I would come out the other side 

As I was before, 

But that would be a lie.  

You touched my heart and soul

In ways I did not expect,

In ways I did not want. 

Yet it happened anyway.

Not only am I mourning the loss of you, 

I am mourning the loss of who I was before you,

Stuck with the new version of myself  

I never wanted to become.  

I lost a part of me because of you

[alexxisokay]

the conclusion

Today I found out I was right, 

You do love another 

And had been talking with her 

The entire time. 

Maybe I should feel a 

sense of relief,

But I don’t

Because I liked the fact that  

I could coming up with my own ending, 

An interpretation of the way you felt. 

That maybe you’d be feeling some type

Of guilt, but I was wrong. 

You’re used to this, 

jumping from person to person

Without letting anyone get too close. 

That’s more rewarding to you,

Crafting the perfect lie no one can 

See through. 

Yet I did

And that’s why you left. 

I tried to see you as you are

Which you clearly weren’t a big fan of. 

I hope your new girl fills the void in your heart, 

Satisfies your need to be needed  

Without breaking through the surface. 

We were never going to last, 

But the time was going to pass us anyway, 

And I’m glad you were the lesson that came into my life.

Because although I don’t like to admit it, 

I wouldn’t have wanted to pass the time with anyone else. 

“We don’t get to choose if we get hurt in this world, but we do have some say in who hurts you and I like my choices”  

The Conclusion 

[alexxisokay]

is the door closing?

I romanticize the idea of you 

In hopes that you’ll

Do the same for me.

But it seems as though

That’s not the case,

Will it ever be?

Or should I shut myself down

So you don't have to? 

Is the door closing? 

[alexxisokay]

The cycle starts again

the older I get

The more regret the life I’ve 

Lived. 

I wasn’t planning to

Deal with these mistakes or fix them, 

So now that I have to, 

I don’t know how. 

I often wonder who I would have

become if my mental health

Didn’t haunt me.

If I didn’t start smoking. 

Would i have been able to 

Persure my childhood dream? 

I guess I’ll never know 

And I applozie to my younger self 

For that mistake.  

Im sorry to myself 

[alexxisokay]

birthday gifts

It’s your birthday today.

I forgot until I remembered. 

I wonder if you’ll think about me today

Since you said the gifts I got you 

Were some of the best you’ve 

Ever received. 

I wonder if you still wear the pajama pants I got you 

And if you kept that picture of me on your camera. 

I wonder what you told your friends about our falling out, 

What the picture of me you painted for them looks like. 

I keep thinking about how

Different things chould have been 

If I respected myself enough to 

Voice my opinions and feelings when 

I had them, but I didn’t. 

Then I remember all of the lies

You told me.

The anxiety and discomfort

You caused. 

You used me because I didn’t know better. 

I knew how to make myself perfect for you, 

But you couldn’t even bring yourself 

To be good to me.  

birthday gifts