#alec. just in general. he's a complicated man

[harzeke]

the aleconriya chart i made before ep 16 btw

[lakesbian]

i like the early worm arcs so much because it's so interesting to see what the undersider group dynamics are like before they entirely reorganize around taylor. and by interesting i mean they make me explode and die (positive).

i think what it boils down to is that the undersiders sans taylor aren't really friends, but they are each others sole replacements for every single support system and human connection they're missing, and that's actually Significantly More Intense. they do all vary in why they're on the team (that is, in why they all have nowhere else they can go), which, alongside their general personalities, impacts the precise mechanisms of how they relate to each other. undersider relationship charts are very complicated diagrams.

brian is on the team because he needs the money to keep his sister from being entirely fucked over by the system (i.e. jailed or kept with abusive parents or in shitty foster care), and i'm sure there's an extent to which it makes his situation as a 17yo with terrible parents far more livable as well. it was pointed out on here earlier this month or the last that we don't really know anything about what his civilian identity is like--we see him interacting with taylor out of mask, but we don't know if he has, like...friends? or family he keeps in contact with outside aisha? or if he does anything with his free time other than trying to prove himself to be a capable guardian for aisha or improve his odds as grue?

and i think the reason we don't have answers to these questions are that brian (civilian) is a mask, too. grue isn't the side identity to an otherwise rich and detailed life--the brian we see speaking to the foster worker in the apartment is playing a barren role. he is 17 and concerned about getting new placemats for his apartment and sorting out school districts for the child he wants to adopt. that's not his normal, unfiltered self, that's a role he's completely stepped into because he'll see himself as a failure on multiple levels if he doesn't fill it. there's no way he has casual friendships or anything along those lines as civilian brian, because civilian brian is plastic. civilian brian can't be a real person, because people have broad ranges of emotions and experiences, and civilian brian is just supposed to be the platonic ideal of a stalwart and responsible family man. there's a reason why the foster worker observes that his apartment is devoid of personality. civilian brian laborn's life is a motherfucking ikea stock home.

i think the most genuine brian ever gets is when he's in the liminal space of the loft--not brian (goodboy civilian mode), but not grue, either. it's only when he's removed from both the obligations of the act he has to play as a civilian & the violent professionalism he takes up as grue that he's able to be a Kind Of Normal Boy. it's where he actually has work-friends to banter with, it's where he plays video games, it's where he gets to go on his dorky rants about martial arts. aisha & the other pressing concerns of everyday life aren't there, so he doesn't have to be Responsible about them--but he's technically still at work, which he attends for the purpose of helping aisha, so he can escape from beating on himself over letting his roles drop. he still intermittently engages in the Brian Behavior of being a little control freak, but also, he playfights with alec :)

which is an extremely compelling dynamic to me...he's not even particularly Close with any of the undersiders, but he's known them for like a year and a half, and they're a space where he can be far more genuinely relaxed than he can anywhere else. which is what makes it so incredibly sad to witness when aisha joins the team & now brian's entire life is about trying to fill that ideal of masculinity he's cramming himself into under the misguided hope that it will protect/care for her. he's breaking under the stress of trying to be a good leader, and he can't admit that the stress of the role is entirely self-imposed. he can't set it down because he won't let himself set it down. it leads him to become condescending and unkind to alec--someone he used to play video games and playfight and banter with--in the same way he is to aisha :( brian laborn my sad boy in torture chamber of his own making. i will write about lisa alec and rachel's situations in other posts to keep this one from being too long

[greatwyrmgold]

Undersiders Cluster Trigger

Other Wormblr posts about how worried they are about wanting to make an Undersiders cluster trigger a thing made me start thinking about it.

I'm going to give myself a couple definitions and scope limitations.

Today, I'm only going to think about the mass trigger event which gives them powers, not what their powers might be. The massive power grid can come later.

Each Undersider needs to have a trigger event which roughly corresponds to the vibes of their canon trigger event. If the vibes don't match, the powers shouldn't either.

For this exercise, the Undersiders' backstories are fluid, and can be rewritten or intertwined as necessary to make everyone's worst days happen at the same time and place.

Original Undersiders, Taylor, and Aisha—not because I don't like Parian or other recruits/henchpeople, but because Parian's power seems like it would be trickier to weave into the mess.

Trigger Vibes

Let's start by reviewing the vibes of each Undersider's canon trigger event, loosely in order of recruitment.

Lisa/Sarah comes first, and her trigger vibes are the simplest—partly because she has such a generic Thinker power. She triggered from finding her brother's body and convincing herself that she could have prevented his suicide if she wasn't such an idiot; however, none of the details are really reflected in the nuances of her power.

Lisa trigger vibes: Tragedy that she thought she could have prevented, if she had paid attention.

Rachel's trigger vibes are complicated, because her power is extremely specific. The point of attack has to be a threat to her dog. As is so often the case, though, the trigger background is as important as the actual event.

A drowning mongrel is a crisis for Rachel because she has become isolated from humanity. At best, the people around her, the people who should have been taking care of her, completely failed in their duties, leaving her to survive or suffer on her own. At worst, they actively made her suffer; sometimes this was motivated by a sense of "tough love," sometimes it was plain cruelty, but the difference is immaterial.

Rachel triggered because her only companion, her only source of emotional support, was murdered in front of her. That companion just happened to be a dog.

Rachel trigger vibes: Isolated from the people around her by neglect, abuse, or both; find a dog who makes life bearable; see someone try to kill that dog (possibly to hurt/"teach a lesson to" Rachel).

Brian lied about his trigger event. (Well, his first one; a hypothetical second trigger event can come later.) As per Word of God, it wasn't just about finding out that his mom's abusive boyfriend was abusing his sister and then stoically beating him up; it was about returning to a toxic environment, one which he had been hurt by, seeing his sister victimized the same way.

Anyways, we have clear Word of God about Brian's trigger vibes. "[T]o see the house and be brought back to his weakest, darkest moment, the man's eyes on him...Environment and malign attention and the desire to protect his sister all factored into his power being what it was."

Brian trigger vibes: Being forced back into a toxic social environment, confronted with his abuser again.

We know basically nothing about whatever event gave Alec/Jean-Paul powers. However, we have two directions from which to speculate. Alec has a Master power, but with a bit of the "fucking with people" angle that borderline Master/Stranger triggers have. So his powers probably triggered from hostile social isolation, perhaps a bit more intentional than Taylor or Rachel's.

Second...he grew up in Heartbreaker's sex cult. Well, it's not really a cult per se; that implies some kind of pretense for why everyone should obey and f*k the leader. Anyways, that's a bit of a hostile social environment, where everyone's day could be ruined by one person pissing off the mercurial dictator in charge of everything, where improving your position means pleasing that dictator, and often hurting others to do it.

So, Alec's trigger event probably stems from some kind of abusive neglect inflicted on him by one or more. of his half-siblings or...um...step-(dad's side chick)s?

Alec trigger vibes: Not clear, but definitely not good.

We all know Taylor.

Taylor trigger vibes: Isolation, bullying, and self-loathing

Finally, Aisha. What we know about Aisha's trigger event comes from Scion's interlude, and it's more focused on showing how detached Scion is from humanity than explaining the headspace Aisha was in. The point was that Scion could barely understand that headspace to begin with. The female was more distressed than the male, and hence makes a more appropriate host; nothing else matters.

And it's not surprising that Wildbow hasn't gone into more detail. He tries to avoid directly depicting sexual violence in his stories, and the threat of rape is clearly the immediate threat behind her distress. It's not clear that there was another layer—like, she had been abused a bunch by mom's boyfriend and thought of the rest of the city as a safe space to escape to, but now it's not safe—but that's just a wild guess based on other details of Aisha's characterization and backstory.

Aisha trigger vibes: Unclear, but unwanted attention is part of it

Alright, now to tie everything together.

Setting the Stage

So, we have six sets of trigger vibes. There's one common thread running through all of them except Lisa's: Abuse. Taylor was abused by her ex-friend, fake friend, and other bullies; Brian and Aisha were abused by the boyfriend; Rachel was abused by her foster parents; Alec was abused by Heartbreaker and the Heartbroken.

So wherever this cluster trigger takes place, it has to be somewhere rife with abuse, somewhere that several children can plausibly be suffer acute abuse at the same time and place. Luckily, one of the Undersiders has a trigger event in such a location, a place with lots of kids around, conditioned and rewarded for their cruelty.

High school. Heartbreaker's compound.

Not that Heartbreaker is a good fit for the cluster trigger. Putting aside the bit where basically all the kids around had powers at least loosely tied to his, Heartbreaker wouldn't let Brian escape and casually return, nor would he care if Rachel had a dog. (Unless it barked loud enough, but he is a very different kind of shit parent from Rachel's last foster mom.)

So we need some new high-control group lead by parahumans, who foster the same kind of fear and cycles of abuse as Heartbreaker, through relatively mundane patterns of abuse and control instead of superpowers. If anyone wants to write a Clustersiders fanfic, I'd suggest researching (or at least watching a couple informative YouTube videos about) cults and the like.

The path of least resistance would be a culty parahuman-lead village built around and through a portal or two. You know, like the one Goddess's cluster triggered near, over the course of a few days. Half a dozen acts of extreme abuse in separate households could then end up tangled into one cluster through dimensional nonsense.

But the path of least resistance is, in this case, the path of least interest. Can one act of abuse—or at least a few connected acts of abuse—traumatize half a dozen kids at once?

Putting It Together

Let's start with the outlier. Lisa's trigger event is not directly tied to any kind of abuse. There are a few ways that we could tie her into the trigger, but I think the most interesting puts her on the side of the abuser.

Lisa gets recruited by one of the parahuman bosses to help deal with some problem children. Being more focused on her own needs and appeasing the boss (but I repeat myself), she agrees. Lisa closes doors/blocks an exit that other kids could use to avoid being dealt with, not spending a moment's thought on why the boss wanted her to do that. And holy crap on a cracker, turns out the boss wanted to hurt the kids. And Lisa helped. She's complicit.

This probably isn't the first time, either. She's such a helpful little gopher, one who remained ignorant of the consequences of her own actions—partly because the bosses like it that way, but partly because she didn't want to think about them.

This is her fault.

I feel like Brian could end up in a similar role. He's largely desensitized to the violence, like he is in canon. As long as he and his sister are okay, everyone else is expendable. He doesn't want to hurt them, but he's willing. Even if it means helping a monster who abused him and his parents.

The boss brings him along for more routine disciplinary action. He's done this often enough before—Brian is one of his main enforcers, after all. But his loyalty is divided, and this issue is a good way to solve that issue. Forcing Brian to punish Aisha means he either needs to put "the needs of the community" above family, or disobeys the boss—giving him an excuse to beat that disloyalty out of him.

Rachel's bit is important; her dog is the reason Aisha and the others are being punished. Nobody in the community (aside from the bosses) is allowed to own pets, and Rachel broke that taboo. She's an orphan, allowed to live in her mother's house and eat the community's food, but otherwise neglected until she's old enough to be useful. So when she found a stray puppy, she let him sleep in the house and eat her scraps.

When the bosses find out about this violation, they assume she must have had assistance from the other children. Maybe they picked kids who were disfavored but hadn't technically done anything wrong yet; maybe they picked kids who were less cold to Rachel than most; maybe they're even right, and one of the kids was coincidentally helping Rachel find food or clean up the messes.

I'm not sure there's much I need to write about the specific circumstances of the other three kids in this "community". They're Aisha, Alec, and Taylor, with backgrounds that are similar to their canon ones, shitty home/social lives and all. I'd need more if I was writing an actual fic, but I have no plans to do so.

So I'll just move onto...

The Trigger Event

Lisa fetches Aisha, Brian fetches Alec, goon #3 fetches Taylor. All three are brought to Rachel's house, where the boss is waiting. Goon and Lisa stand at the front and back doors, and Brian follows the boss inside.

The boss explains what the three girls and Alec did wrong. Keeping a dog was against the rules, and all of them helped Rachel keep the dog. Each of them will need to be punished.

The boss tells Brian to stuff Taylor in the closet, where Rachel had been stashing soiled newspapers and poop bags after people started to get suspicious. While he moves a dresser in front of the door, the boss starts strangling the dog. Then, he tells Brian to think of an appropriate punishment for Aisha, with an insinuation of the kind of punishment he would assign her if Brian didn't.

The boss made mortal threats to the siblings—forcing Brian to hurt his sister, or forcing Aisha to do something I'd rather not describe. Rachel watches as her only companion gets the life choked out of it. Alec is in the corner, terrified about what the boss has in store for him. Taylor is in a filthy closet full of flies and other vermin. And Lisa realizes she's complicit in all of it.

Everyone present (except the dog and goon #3) collapses and experiences psychadelic hallucinations for a few seconds. Then things descend into chaos.

[sifafinalfantasy]

A Revenge Spanning Three Generations (FFXIV, WoL Spotlight)

Rem and Tobias (his grandfather) Rem’s family legacy is bit complicated. His father’s family are the Talonspyres. They date back to the Garleans being driven north because of their inability to wield magick. The ancestral home is in the mountains of Ilsabard, a fortified keep high on the cliffs. The name Talonspyre came from the family’s keep, and their uncanny knack for creating magitek creatures, like winged falcons, for use in security and espionage. His father Stef and uncles Alec and Braedan were born as privileged but relatively minor nobility. Tobias Talonspyre was a strict man wanted to train his sons to succeed in the competitive nature of Garlean society. He rose to the rank of Tribunus in the Intelligence division and trained his sons the way he had been trained. Stef and others became military officers, but eventually defected from Garlemald to Eorzea. Tobias’s reputation in the military suffered and he wanted revenge on his sons for this humilation. Rem heard rumors about his grandfather’s plot to force his father and uncles back to Garlemald. Against everyone’s advice, Rem confronted him in Ala Mhigo and was soundly beaten. Tobias slashed Rem’s face, nearly taking out Rem’s right eye and almost permanently blinding him. Rem has a nasty scar down that eye, and the tattoos on that side of his face hide the other scars from that attack. The incident humbled him and taught him just how dangerous his grandfather was. Rem has a score to settle with him, but now knows better than to rush into a confrontation. Rem is the only one of his family who doesn’t use the last name Talonspyre. His surname MacGanahan is from his mother’s side. His mother is an Au Ra who fled Doma during the Garlean occupation, and was adopted by a Hyur couple with that last name. He took up that last name in their honor. 

[phoenixyfriend]

Uncle Ben and Little Luke

AKA we combine several types of time travel for maximum Soft Chaos, let’s go

EDIT NOW THAT I’VE WRITTEN THIS UP: jfc this ended up much angstier than initially intended uhhhhhhhhhh sorry

So a common enough thing I’ve seen in time travel fics is characters getting de-aged when tossed back physically, to neither the age they should be in that time, nor the age they were from the time they left, but whatever is most convenient. This is usually de-aging OT Obi-Wan into his TCW self, for reasons relating to, chiefly, removing the damage of Tatooine absolutely destroying his body alongside PTSD-driven alcoholism, but also because fic writers are horny, and Ewan McGregor playing a late-thirties negotiator is on average more appealing to people than Alec Guinness playing a vaguely feral desert hermit.

So, here’s how it plays out:

We take Luke and Ben from some point in the OT. There are a variety of options depending on how angsty we want it to be. My first instinct is ‘right after Owen and Beru die’ but I want to have that sweet angst where Luke knows that his dad is Vader and that Obi-Wan was trying to convince him to kill his own father without telling him that.

We’ll go with shortly after Bespin, and then they end up significantly before TPM. The Obi-Wan of the timeline proper is, eh, let’s say eighteen. Not really ready to be a knight, but old enough that we don’t have to worry about “if we go save Shmi, do we somehow wipe out Anakin?” which is absolutely a worry. Anakin is a toddler, and is in no place to be evil, on account of being literally two years old. He can’t even explode people with his brain yet.

Now, Ben finds himself mid-thirties, as is traditional. He’s not upset at this, because his joints hurt so much less than they used to! His knees aren’t exactly teenage-perfect, but by the Force are they better than they were in the years before he died! His hair has color! He doesn’t have arthritis! And, goodness, no physical withdrawal symptoms! The psychological aspect is still there, but nonetheless, he’s in much better shape than he last remembers being.

Luke looks like he’s about six. He was recently twenty-two. This is not an upgrade. Ben keeps having to carry him. He can’t see over the counter when they enter a bar for information. He can’t enter the bar in the first place. He’s very annoyed by all of this.

Ben is not annoyed. Ben is having a lot of emotions, actually, but annoyance isn’t one of them. He didn’t get to help raise Luke the way he might have if Anakin hadn’t lost his shit, okay, he sees a small Luke and he wants to hug him and cry.

Luke would like to be able to purchase a speeder part without the lady at the stall asking him if he needs his “dad’s” permission.

Once they figure out when and where they are, they need to decide where and how to leave. There are general shenanigans to gamble their way into enough money to hire a ship. They are in the ass end of nowhere, but definitely not Tatooine. There appears to be a jungle. There appears to be a significant variety of man-eating creatures. There appears to be a temple to the Force of questionable origin. None of this is actually helpful, except for the moment they find a “baby’s first lightsaber” in the temple.

Luke only has one hand and, being a six-year-old, his body is growing too fast for him to bother with getting a wired-in prosthesis the way he could as an adult. He can get a more basic prosthesis, but nothing that attaches to the neurons. He’ll outgrow it too fast.

He’s tiny and he’s not used to doing things with just one hand. He uses the Force to do what one hand can't, and every time someone tries to tell him he's misusing the Force he whaps them with the empty sleeve.

So, you know, they find out what year it is. Ben has a breakdown. Luke is upset that he left behind his friends. Ben admits to him that Leia was his twin. Luke stares in horror because dude, she kissed him, you couldn’t have mentioned this earlier???

Ben points out that Beru and Owen were keeping Luke away from him for nineteen years, and then they had about three days of awkward travel to find Leia in the first place, and then Ben died. He didn’t have a whole lot of time to figure out how to tell him.

(This sparks an argument that lasts several days. All onlookers assume that Ben’s son is throwing a tantrum. He doesn’t correct them, even though this is a very valid reason to be upset, because the truth is much harder to explain.)

Sooooo they travel. Mostly, Ben plays Sabacc, cleans house, and pays their way towards Coruscant. Luke still really wants to learn to be a Proper Jedi, even though Ben is pretty sure that Luke would have... a lot of difference of opinion with the Temple, but sure. Coruscant. They can at least stop by, and see Qui-Gon, and Mace, and Quinlan, and Bant, and everyone else that’s still alive and not tragically deceased in the horror following the start of the Clone Wars and then the birth of the Empire, and Ben can have a nice sob over all his dead friends being alive again.

Ben is only barely holding it together while Luke is in the room with him at any given point. But it’s fine! It’s fine. He’s fine. All of his loved ones have come back to life! It’s great! HE’S FINE.

He is not fine.

Luke is also grieving all the people who haven’t been born yet, but he’s... significantly more okay than Ben is.

The closer they get to the Core, the more often people just assume Ben is Luke’s father, and then look shocked and uncomfortable when Luke flatly calls him by his name, and they just... compromise. This is the point at which Luke starts calling him “Uncle Ben.”

Ben cries in his bunk later that night. Luke overhears it and wonders how the HELL Ben is more unstable now, when there’s a chance to fix things and no Vader or Empire trying to kill or capture both of them, and all his friends are alive.

(Luke will later learn a lot about PTSD and realize this is actually a fairly normal situation, to process significant events and emotions only after gaining safety or catharsis.)

(Twenty years on a ball of sand with an alcohol addiction and debilitating fear of the man you raised as your own brother is not, in fact, safe or cathartic.)

At any rate, they’ve settled into that pattern by the time they reach the Inner Rim. The Inner Rim is the part of the galaxy at which they’ve collected enough money (and mental stability) to travel a little better, and to take a few more risks.

Risks like “manipulate people with those baby blues.”

Ben tells Luke that he’s a menace, after he pouts so cutely that he gets a free scarf added on to a purchase that Ben makes. Luke responds that Ben has no room to talk, since he flirted a free breakfast out of that one inn owner.

Also, Luke is currently physically six. That is objectively a situation that sucks. He deserves to use it for all it’s worth if he’s stuck like this.

“You know, if you keep wearing all-black and looking longingly at the velvet cape and Space Chanel boots, the temple is going to worry that you’re a darksider.”

“Uncle Ben... you told me, yesterday, that I sparkle so brightly in the Force that it’s almost blinding.”

“Yes, but the gloves--”

They don’t agree on this, but Ben relents. He does actually understand good fashion, unfortunately, and he’s not unaware of how much Leia taught Luke about such things.

Luke’s about forty years ahead of the curve, of course, but Skywalkers are prone to such things. It’s usually in regards to technology, granted, but...

They get to Coruscant. Ben is very obviously a Jedi. He knows all the right words and walks like a Soresu master and feels warm and comforting in the Force. They let him in with minimal questions. They note down “my first padawan left the order to have a child, but died shortly after; I consider Luke here to be my nephew, and have raised him as such,” and move on.

Luke is vaguely annoyed because he already had an uncle (and aunt) that raised him, but he admits that a person can have more than one uncle. He can live with this. Ben was more family to Anakin than Owen was, in some ways, so it’s kind of true. Luke is even working on feeling more childish affection for Ben instead of the complicated mess of emotions that come from being lied to about some very large and important subjects, and then seeing the person saying those lies have regular emotional breakdowns due to something as small as Luke saying he likes the curve of the hull on that freighter.

(Apparently he sounds just like his father did as a child. This is almost heartwarming.)

The thing is! The thing. The thing is, they almost make it to the Halls of Healing to get looked over for weird viruses, or Outer Rim Parasites, or whatever the hells needs to be happening. They almost make it without Ben having a flashback to dead younglings or brainwashed troopers or the declaration of a Sith Empire. They almost make it without incident.

Then Ben sees Qui-Gon, and freezes, and does not move again.

Luke cannot get him to restart.

People are staring.

They haven’t even made it to Medical, Uncle Ben, come on.

Young, local Obi-Wan comes over and asks if there’s something he can do to help. Or maybe this “Ben” knows Qui-Gon? Master Jinn doesn’t recognize Ben, but maybe Luke knows more?

Luke does know more, but what Luke actually says is “he probably needs a mind healer.”

(Ben will not appreciate this.)

(Ben is unfortunately standing in the middle of the hallway and completely unresponsive, and is unable to argue with this assertion.)

(Ben is pretty much proving this assertion entirely correct, actually.)

Obi-Wan is helpful, if a little bitchy in the manner of most late-teens individuals, and offers to help get Uncle Ben down to the Halls of Healing. It involves Obi-Wan gently pushing on Ben’s shoulders, and Qui-Gon offering to carry Luke so he can be in Ben’s sights (because Ben is a Mystery, and Qui-Gon is quite fond of those, so he wants to stay involved). Ben kind of just... shuffles on down.

There are medical tests. They ask about how Luke lost his hand. He refuses to talk about it. They ask how Ben got all his scars. Luke says he doesn’t know. They ask if he knows why Ben looks like he’s been through a war. Luke says it’s because he probably was.

They check for foreign viruses. They find evidence of thus-far-unpatented vaccinations. They ask Luke if he knows what he’s vaccinated for.

“How would I know? I’m six.”

They agree that this is a good excuse.

(It is not. He’s lying. They do not know this.)

They do some more tests. They find a lot of questionable medical bullshit in Ben’s body. Most of this is from the clone wars, but they don’t know this. Someone realizes they haven’t gotten a ping back from the Shadow Network regarding “do we have permission to pull the medical file of a Jedi that isn’t in the normal database? We’re assuming you know who he is, since we don’t.”

The Shadow Network does not know who Ben is.

The healers, of course, go “huh, that’s weird, but maybe the name he gave his nephew was fake. We can’t exactly ask ‘Ben’ for more details right now. We already had to sedate him. Let’s check the DNA!”

The DNA pulls up as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

The padawan who brought this guy in two hours ago.

“Huh, that’s weird. Let’s call in Kenobi and ask if he knows what’s going on.”

Obi-Wan absolutely does not know what’s going on.

They ask Luke.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he says, lying through his teeth and not even pretending otherwise.

“You’re not a very good liar,” teenage Obi-Wan tells him.

“I’m not trying to be,” Luke says. “Can you get Master Yoda? I feel like we’re going to need him.”

They normally wouldn’t get Yoda on the request of a six-year-old, but they also normally don’t have a catatonic thirty-something Jedi who looks like he’s been through a war popping up in the medical database as the pimply teenage padawan that broke his pinky trying to do a Badass Ataru Flip last week.

Or... whatever Luke i... is... oh dear.

“Young one,” Qui-Gon asks, while people whisper-shout behind him, not realizing he’s cutting the Correlian Knot and just asking the kid himself. “Do you know why your midichlorian count is so high? It’s almost unheard of.”

“Uncle Ben said my dad was the Chosen One,” Luke says, because he is capable of being a little shit and is actually really eager to let Ben deal with some of the fallout. He feels for the man, really, but he’s also tired of being the one to field every single question.

Also, the expressions that pass on Qui-Gon’s face are hilarious.

(Luke may or may not be more affected by his six-year-old brain than he would like to admit.)

“Thank you,” Qui-Gon says, sounding more than a little strangled about it.

It takes another three hours for Ben to wake up.

He listens to the questions. He hears what they say his ‘nephew’ said. He looks at Luke.

“Is this revenge for not telling you about Leia?”

“It’s not revenge,” Luke does not lie. “I just don’t know how to explain it.”

“It’s pretty easy to explain.”

“It’s not my secret.”

“This is revenge for the Leia thing.”

“No,” Luke says. “Revenge for the Leia thing was when I ate a live frog in front of you.”

This is the point at which someone interrupts and points out that they appear to be stalling.

“Oh, he is,” Luke tells them. He gestures at Ben. “I can’t tell you more, because it’s more his story than mine.”

“I’m afraid, Master, that I am very likely to have an emotional breakdown if I allow myself to consider the reality of this situation for longer than the fraction of a second I already have,” Ben reports, full of false cheer. “Suffice to say, I am far from stable and have only held out this far for Luke’s sake.”

“Can you explain why you have my DNA?” Obi-Wan asks, as the person who’s most concerningly involved in this situation.

“You can,” Ben says, smiling like there is absolutely nothing wrong in the slightest, ever. “I’m you, from the future. I actually died and spent a few years dead before coming back. I’m not sure why I’m younger than I was when I died, but I appreciate being able to put on my shoes without my knees attempting to mutiny.”

“He needs a mind healer,” Luke reiterates, in case the strained grin hasn’t made it clear. “So do I, but not as much.”

“I have felt literally every person in this Temple save for Luke and Yoda die,” Ben reports, looking a shade more manic than a few seconds earlier. “It’s very overwhelming to feel you all being alive again. I may be approaching a mental breakdown, and I’ve been rather strictly advised against using alcohol to treat my traumas again.”

Luke kicks him in the thigh. It’s not a very hard kick, because he is very small, and he does actually like Ben. “I’m not letting you turn into an old drunk again.”

After several seconds of silence, a healer quietly suggests that everyone clear the room, and asks if someone could fetch Master Yoda as the youngling requested.

(THIS IS ALMOST THREE THOUSAND WORDS. I started it less than two hours ago. Why am I like this.)

[gummybearzgocrazyagain]

my hella arbitrary list of fav malec moments ranked, just because i felt so aaaaaaand i have an unhealthy obsession with lists that is definitely diagnoseable but ssshhhhh

37. “you stupid Nephilim“ (c)

36. “I think the autumnal theme would be nice” “ABORT, ABORT, Isabelle, are you insane?” (c)

35. Hall of the Accords kiss in CoG

34. subway mugging attempt from the very first date

33. the way you just know book!magnus enunciates word “Alexander”

32. this absolute gem of an interaction

31. Magnus somehow figuring that enchanting his sister’s whip with magical protections would be the best gift to Alec for his birthday

30. The simple fact of Alexander Gideon Lightwood turning out to be wild AF, and having a certain proclivity to tearing Magnus’ expensive wardrobe pieces right off him, while in throws of passion

29. “Wow, you and Monogamous Bane make me tired. He’s even dumber than you are” (c) Lily

28. When Clary invented a rune to temporary present herself as one’s most beloved, and Alec saw Magnus, even though it happened mere months in their relationship

27. Magnus coming to the Institute to see Alec off to Alicante in CoHF, even though they were broken up

26. “Alec Lightwood loved one man so much...” cause duh 

25. “He is not my warlock” cause DUUUHHHHHH

24. general population of the Downworld sometimes subtly reminding Alec about Magnus being slightly out of his league (e.g. “Punch above your weight a little, huh?” (c), etc.)

23. but at the same time, the journey from “STOP HUGGING SHADOWHUNTERS IN FRONT OF MY PLACE OF BUSINESS” (c) TEC 1 to “Get a room, cute boys!” (c) TEC 2

22. Mere fact that in spite of all the convoluted and complicated history Magnus has had with Nephilim over centuries, he eventually somehow ended up being married to their highest authority figure like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

21. “I do not ever want another love“ how dare you sir

20.  the fact that Alec instantly knew(c) with Max, and Magnus instantly knew(c) with Rafe

19. and that it is physically impossible for them to come by an abandoned child, and stop themselves from adopting on the spot

18. Alec’s behaviour during warlock sickness in TDA

17. 

16. ELYASS

15.

14. “The Voicemail of Magnus Bane” cause legendary

13. 

12. “Catarina gave Magnus a delighted look over Alec’s shoulder. “At last”, she murmured. “A keeper.” (c)

11.

10. unforgettable “Since I am the Consul now, I guess I make the rules.” [...] “Was that flirting?” Magnus said. “Because I have to tell you I’m more in than I thought I would be.” [...] “Yes.” Said Alec. He paused. “No. A little bit.” [...] ‘’I mean I make all the rules. I’m in charge now”. “I told you already I was in“ (c) QoAaD

9. 

8. I wanna say the entirety of tRSoM, which main plot premise was “two poor clueless idiots are just trying to screw each other in peace, but kept getting cockblocked at every turn”, but am gonna say Rome Hotel Scene, for reasons

7. also, the marvellous fact that the cockblocking torch was passed down from demons/cultists/princes of hell to malec’s very own precious infant heir

6. aaaaaaand of course let’s not forget to mention Simon Lewis in that particular regard

5. the general level of thirst throughout the whole saga

4. Yes, this one, this one fits, after all the stumbling around and searching, and here it is. (c) What to buy the Shadowhunter

3. The Land I Lost (”his first kiss and his last”, “but he could imagine, in some faraway future, the face he loved best”, “hey, my baby”, “once he’d said “my betrothed” and felt like a total idiot”, feel free to stop me at any point)

2.

1. [...] I spent days dying in chains, thinking you would never know this, so let me tell you now. I will love you as long as I live. However long or short my life may be, it seems to me that I could never find time enough to love you as you deserve. Loving you made me believe in eternity. Aku cinta kamu. (c)

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Don’t be depressed about your children.  Childhood is a hateful age - no trailing clouds of glory - and children are generally either prigs or gangsters and always dull and generally ugly.

- Evelyn Waugh, letter to Nancy Mitford (7 January 1946)

Eveyln Waugh, a supremely talented writer, some of my favourite novels of all time - Brideshead Revisited, Decline and Fall, and Scoop. His humour is satirical and incisive and he uses it to bring serious issues to light. For instance, his book The Loved One compares the glitter of Hollywood to a corpse that’s had lipstick applied by an undertaker.

Waugh as a writer has been held in the highest literary regard. However Waugh the man has long been marked down in people's estimations. He was, by all accounts, an unpleasant character, rude, unhappy, and despairing in the traditional high Tory fashion - though even George Orwell grudgingly admitted, in private at least, that "Waugh is about as good a novelist as one can be ... while holding untenable opinions".

So it may come as no surprise to learn that his relationship with his children was complicated. In fact, his entire family was awash with fathers and sons bickering, imposing and rebelling in turn, and wishing that their fathers would disappear. Waugh himself came from a long line of bad fathers.

One might know the infamous banana story. During the second world war, Evelyn Waugh's wife managed to procure three bananas for their children. When she brought the fruit home, Evelyn sat down in front of the children, peeled the bananas, poured on cream and sugar, and ate them all. "It would be absurd to say that I never forgave him," wrote Waugh's son Auberon many years later, in his autobiography, Will This Do? (1991), "but he was permanently marked down in my estimation from that moment."

His opinions about his children were uncharitable as well as untenable. He preferred to avoid them if at all possible, taking his meals in his library, alone. "The presence of my children affects me with deep weariness and depression," he wrote in 1946. And in 1954: "Of children as of procreation – the pleasure momentary, the posture ridiculous, the expense damnable."

"As a parent," wrote Auberon after his father's death, "he reserved the right not just to deny affection to his children, but to advertise an acute and unqualified dislike of them." It was the Waugh way of parenting.

Waugh describes his childhood in his autobiography, A Little Learning (1964) as "an even glow of pure happiness". This is was not quite the truth. His own father was disdainful and dismissive of Evelyn, the second born son. Indeed the oddity was his father Arthur's obsessive affection for his first-born son. Arthur's letters to Alec at boarding school are astonishing and when he came home for holidays, Alec was greeted with a huge sign, "Welcome Home The Heir To Underhill". One can only guess at the effect this had on the young Evelyn; but, sharp-tongued and gimlet-eyed, he was always ready to give and take offence. The now lesser known Alec was also a writer: he published his first novel, The Loom of Youth, in 1917 while still in his teens.

Evelyn clearly felt second best. One of his stories, Winner Takes All (1936), is about two brothers divided by the rules of primogeniture and family preference. Gervase, the elder brother in the story, is sent to Eton and Oxford. Tom, the younger one, goes to a lesser public school, and is sent straight out into employment.

From Lancing, a minor public school, Waugh went on to Hertford College, Oxford where his affection for alcohol and the aristocracy proved a heady mix, fuelling his fiction and acquiring friends for life. This golden time would inspire his magnum opus, the richly nostalgic Brideshead Revisited in 1945, although it was the desertion by his first wife, She-Evelyn, in 1928 that provoked what most critics regard as his best novel, the grimly comic A Handful of Dust.

But in between, after converting to Catholicism (a profound and life-affecting move), he travelled widely producing Labels, Remote People, Black Mischief, Ninety Two Days, Robbery Under Law, and his journalistic classic, Scoop.

Following a series of unrequited – and requited – loves and an annulment of his first marriage, he made, in 1936, an enduring love-match with (incredibly) his first wife's cousin, Laura Herbert. Aristocratic, quiet and strong, she was one of the few people who were unafraid of him. They settled in the country, in Gloucestershire and later Somerset, and Laura bore him seven children. Too intolerant to enjoy fatherhood, too irascible to relish neighbours, he would take refuge in his library or escape to London.

The other escape he fought hard for was active wartime service. It proved a bitterly disappointing time for him but produced some of the best fiction to emerge from World War II, his magnificent Sword of Honour trilogy. The Loved One (1948), about the Californian funeral industry, and The Ordeal of Gilbert Pinfold (1957), an extraordinary exercise in self-revelation, were two more post-war triumphs that confirmed his genius.

When The Diaries of Evelyn Waugh was published in 1976, his son Auberon declared, "[They] show that the world of Evelyn Waugh's novels did in fact exist". Waugh poured so much of his life into his fiction. And not just institutions and incidents - Oxford, the prep schools where he taught, London among the Bright Young People, Fleet Street, country-house life, Abyssinia, World War II in Yugoslavia and Crete, California's Forest Lawn cemetery, and going mad on a cruise. He also appropriated the characters that peopled his life. His long-suffering father inspired a handful of risible characters, while his early loves, his first wife, his friends, travelling companions and fellow officers became easy models for his remarkable pen.

By the time he was 60 - toothless, wakeful, bored, and deaf, and flattened by Vatican II – he was ready for death. It came early, and almost miraculously, on the most sacred day on the Christian calendar, Easter Sunday 1966.

[posthumus]

I saw your post about the Dickie indicent and found it really interesting so I was wondering what your opinions are on Clive's "change" in the book? Like do you think his "turn towards women" was genuine or if he's just lying to himself in an attempt to be "normal," how do you think it came about, do you think he still has feelings for Maurice, etc? That part of the book confuses me and while I have my own opinons on it I'm not confident in them so it'd be nice to hear another perspective

aww thank you for asking!

if i’m being honest i also find the clive heel-turn a little confusing from a character perspective. my first instinct is to go completely doylist with it: clive turns straight because that’s what the story needs to happen. he’s fictional, he doesn’t have an inner life, so just take the story at its word. forster’s work, in my experience at least, contains a lot of these moments where the characters’ actions seem less grounded in their personalities and more based on the needs of the text as a whole; but it almost always makes the story more interesting, so i tend to be very generous toward him.

(i’m rusty on forster’s romantic history, but given that clive was at least semi-inspired by his relationship with hugh owen meredith--who married a woman--i also kind of wonder if the reason clive’s feelings here are so inscrutable is because they were inscrutable to forster as well? maybe he really just couldn’t think of any reason why an apparently gay man would suddenly take up an interest in women. also, as forster himself says, he gets annoyed with clive once he turns straight, so he possibly wasn’t trying very hard to empathize.)

but in the spirit of the question, i suppose i lean toward it being a genuine change on clive’s part, though not strongly. (i actually quite appreciate the movie’s approach, juxtaposing the added risley trial with clive’s change, because it at least gives you something solid to hold onto.) like i said, i’m very inclined to take the story at its word--maybe i’m being naive, but the narration of the book doesn’t feel at all unreliable to me. we get inside clive’s head, but he’s still being held at arms’ length; the effect when i read it is more of a doctor explaining their patient’s psychological change (or, to be blunter, an author summarizing their character’s arc) than an inside exploration of a person’s psyche. (the same is true for maurice’s perspective, in my opinion, which i think i talked about in the dickie post.) the example that stands out to me--and possibly the best argument for the change being genuine--is the passage about trying “to think himself back into the old state.” he’s obviously being cautious, and actually seems to regret that he no longer likes men, if only because it makes things more complicated. that doesn’t sound to me like someone in the throes of comphet.

(tangentially, that paragraph at the end of chapter 24 definitely implies clive and maurice do something sexual, right? i’d completely forgotten it. i forget whether it’s when he “lost his R” but i swear the PN Furbank biography talks about forster and meredith having an... encounter... on a sofa after meredith was already married, and forster regarding the incident with indifference. i also love that criticism of forster’s work is so enhanced by an exact timeline of his sexual experiences. go old man go.)

i really lean away from away from the change being repression, honestly, because to me clive’s whole thing is repression: he’s repressed before, during, and after his relationship with maurice. the fact that he insists on abstinence is why alec, and not clive, is the happy ending. (of course this is only applicable because they’re fictional characters, and in real life clive has every right to abstain, but the point that’s being made throughout the novel is that this intense aversion to sex in the name of decency is severely damaging.) if you wanted to get really spicy with it, you could even make the case that clive’s attraction to men, not women, is insincere. it’s a question of who the “real clive” is: cambridge clive, atheist, homosexual, arguing against censorship; versus penge clive, the politician, who ends the novel planning “to devise some method of concealing the truth from anne.” cambridge was three years of clive’s life, but penge was where he was brought up, and where he lives out the rest of his days; he never seems particularly interested in escaping it. i wouldn’t say that clive just had a “gay phase”--the cambridge part of the book is too earnestly romantic for me to believe that--but i do think he had a rebellious phase, and his natural state is heavily inclined to respectability. (not that he’s ontologically A Normal Guy, but that he’s been socialized in such a way that predisposes him to normalcy; unlike maurice--who grows as a person after getting his heart broken--he never has an experience that causes him to assess these values.) i guess i’m saying that clive isn’t really either gay or straight, or both at separate points: he’s probably essentially bisexual, but his sexuality is so draped in a layer of repression that it kind of doesn’t matter.

but then that doesn’t answer the question of what causes the heel-turn, so i’m stumped.

(thank you again for the question, it was a lot of fun! i hope it made some kind of sense. if any certified clive understanders want to chime in that would be lovely.)

[party-gilmore]

Tia Agila was one of Nana's second generation of foster kids - a child when the first generation of children and teens were now teens and young adults, respectively, putting her firmly in the Aunt category nowadays at 56.

She started out tiny and very very shy, rarely verbal unless she was nervous, at which point she'd start murmuring and tripping over her words in tagalog.

She is still very very tiny, but no longer shy. The family brought out a boisterousness in her that puts even most of the younger boys to shame. Nana of course loves all her children equally, but she and Agila share a special bond and connection - and as a result though not technically the oldest of Nana's girls, Agila sort of unintentionally but willingly and more than happily stepped into sort of an "Eldest Daughter" role in her young adulthood, and delights in it. She literally bought a house just a couple doors down the street to stay living by Nana and help with the house and the foster kids.

When Nana had her first health scare (far prior to Hardison hacking his way through her bills - around the time he was being born in fact), Agila was by her side every minute - fiercely advocating for fairer attention whenever Nana just was too tired and worn out from treatment to stand up for herself against the medical bias she experienced.

In fact, that's where Agila met her eventual husband Everett: a (once) naive young trustfund doctor - struggling with the disillusionment of having gone into this field to help people, only to be met with the reality of the inherent prejudices and fiscal limitations of working in such a big name corporate driven hospital. He was so moved by her that he... maybe sort of broke the law a bit and did some pro bono examinations and diagnoses and possibly also smuggled some controlled medications to the family over the next decade or so... ALLEGEDLY!

After he got busted (allegedly), the court case got complicated as suddenly files and records started disappearing from the hospitals database (around the same time that Nana's accrued medical debt was conveniently paid by an unknown third party that everyone in the family decided not to look too closely at, go figure) and made it drag on for a couple years, until it got so wrapped up in red tape that its been sitting on the back burner since then. His new lawyer - an absolute golden retriever of a man referred to him by Agila's foster brother Alec - even says that since it's been stagnant for so long, he can probably even get it completely thrown out by March, and Everett can maybe even get his medical license reinstated by summer! Isn't that exciting!

Anyways they have a son, Ian (32), who towers about two and half feet above his mother and has to sit at The Kids table because being a "grandkid" means he's still a tier below The Cousins, depsite being only three years younger than Hardison and a year older than Darryl.

Holidays At Hardison's Masterpost

[normal-thoughts-official]

I would have loved to see more interactions with the seelies- people who can’t lie but are crafty and secretive sounds fascinating. Think of the dialog! Alec going to magnus for advice since he has centuries of experience talking to them, Alec playing mental chess while trying to maintain peace. Would have loved getting more- but let’s be real, Cassaundra and the show writers weren’t clever enough to actually make any conversations like that of value.

SAME!!!!! honestly i would have loved to see so much more of the seelies. like bro do you understand that their culture predates the VERY EXISTENCE OF HUMANITY??? they are the ONLY kind of downworlders whose culture is completely detached from any human culture, not only because of predating it, but also because of the relative isolationism - which means human culture barely had any influence on their culture and history AS it developed

so like you can literally go fucking bonkers??????????? you can make ANYTHING. they have a whole ass society that doesn't have to have ANY ties to mundane concepts or history AT ALL. complete creative freedom. you could do ANYTHING! and don't get me started on the potential this has, within storytelling, to contextualize a lot of stuff modern western culture sees as natural or timeless as actually pretty fucking specific - like monogamy, cisheteropatriarchy, the gender binary, racism. all immortals have that potential of course since they can come from an array of different cultural and historical backgrounds but seelies in particular have SO much potential that is NEVER! FUCKING! USED! it all goes to waste and they are just a generic vaguely monarchic society that behaves literally exactly as modern western cultural standards. WHY. i'll never stop being salty, especially within sh where all this potential was there and instead they just villainized the seelies like no tomorrow for nO FUCKING REASON, and included a whole plotline about their ruler being a terrible power-hungry person and then proceeded to act as if that would have no influence on the seelies under her rule? thanks for nothing

like i know the seelie queen was so badly written that her own motivations even as a power-hungry wacko didn't make sense or were consistent (like why give simon the mark of cain for example, and for god's sake what kind of power-hungry crazy bitch gives their main enemy the power to literally kill her and destroy everything she has at the blink of an eye, like??? she literally tried to assist in her own genocide, it makes no fucking sense, i fucking hate it here) but if they are going to make her Terrible the least they could do was show how that impacted the people under her rule, especially if they are going to have meliorn be fucking tortured and either forced to display the marks of said torture or choosing to display them themself, like? please give your plotlines one singular thought

but of course it's easier to villainize seelies and reduce them to their obviously tyrannical ruler so they can go back to focusing on the shadowhunters and their issues. nevermind the fact that seelies are obviously equivalent to native ppls/third world countries resisting colonialism/imperialism in sh's stupid ass racial metaphor, which makes making their ruler a big bad unequivocally evil villain that is ruining everything A Choice. and a particularly choicy Choice considering they cast a middle-eastern man to play the most important seelie character. but if they are going to do that they could at least address how the people under her rule suffer and how that's a direct consequence of shadowhunter colonialism and interference, but why would we fkcnig thdo that!!!! when we can have love triangle drama or whatever

and tHEN there is the whole aspect of being unable to lie which is bound to have such an impact on their culture and history since they have to rely on other forms of communication to protect themselves - and considering the whole "tyrannical rule" plotline, to further the queen's agenda in the first place. and how telling the truth without preamble would probably be considered a huge display of trust in a society that has culturally developed so many ways of talking around things. like again the potential of the cultural and historic background for that society! it makes me go insane!!!

anyway all of that to say #JusticeForSeelies and #SeeliePlotlinesNow 2021 and forever. and YES i would have loved to see more interactions between them and other characters, particularly magnus because 1- admittedly i'm a hoe; and 2- magnus was clearly the one that had the most experience talking to seelies and that others relied on for that communication. he also seemed to be the most comfortable with them, which indicates there is either some sort of history there, or magnus just happens to feel relatively at home with the workings of their culture. which makes sense, because magnus also had to develop pretty similar defense mechanisms due to his, A- work as a warlock representative who has to interact with shadowhunters on the regular; B- history with having to deal with asmodeus, which required him to be very smart about what he disclosed and how, especially considering that he had to have been planning banishing asmodeus for a long time before he got to do it; and C- just history with abuse in general. we've seen the way he closed his heart off to new people; but at the same time, magnus is obviously an extrovert and likes to be around people in general. this meant that, in order to be able to both be in the kind of environment where he thrives and protect himself/his heart/his feelings, he had to learn how to interact with people while putting on a convincing façade, which requires pretty much the same sorts of wordplay and defense mechanisms that seelies use

magnus is good at wordplay, he's good at using talking to his benefit; we've seen that. he is also good at hiding and deflecting. he is notably not good at directly lying - every time he directly said A Lie such as "i am perfectly fine and not bothered by this at all :)" it was way less convincing than it was a clear display that he wouldn't budge. even alec, who has difficulty with social cues, noticed the lying and seemed concerned about it. so like. clearly his defense mechanisms were less lying and more dancing around subjects, directing conversation to safe topics, and guiding people to making certain assumptions and seeing sides of his that were safer and he preferred

so in that way it makes sense that magnus is somewhat in his element when dealing with seelies. i think "comfortable" is a strong word because this whole song and dance takes a huge toll on anyone's mental health and energy (which i think is something that could be very interestingly explored in seelies, their collective psyche, and their culture, the way they build relationships, etc. let meliorn have partners they feel 100% comfortable talking without preamble with 2k21), but it's something he is used to and a dynamic he can fall into without as much effort as others who would be second guessing themselves more and going slower, which clearly gives the seelies, who are used to it, an advantage

and like i know that i'm implying a confrontation or sort of situation where they are on opposing sides to seelies here, which i kind of am because i am thinking mostly about magnus' interactions with the seelie queen specifically, since she was the seelie he had the most meaningful interactions with. his interactions with meliorn were very few and almost never relevant, i barely remember them happening outside of generic downworld cabinet interactions tbh. but i don't just mean that because again, stop villainizing seelies 2k21

i also mean just generally that magnus would be in a more comfortable position talking to seelie strangers and slowly working into building a relationship and mutual trust. and just generally understanding them and the workings of their culture because he can empathize with the way they have built their social defense mechanisms. no one is 100% truthful to strangers, but seelies always seem kind of- analytical. and the cultural difference + anti-seelie racism makes them seem untrustworthy to most people, but magnus Gets It, so the potential for friendships! and the mutual understanding and the relative comfort around each other! and both parts understanding the enormity that is letting their walls down gradually and being more direct as time goes by. like.... aaaaaa

and yes magnus becomes a sort of reference on talking to seelies, mostly because he is good at "playing their game", but also making it a point to humanize seelies and making the other parts understand where they are coming from and how they feel :) and just improving their relations, particularly with other downworlders

im not going to get into alec because 1- the relationship between shadowhunters and seelies is already filled with oppression and a lot of complications, and particularly now that the seelie realm is politically fragile due to the loss of their ruler (however terrible she might have been), it would play into either white savior narratives or just straight up colonialism, especially given how alec as a leader already has a history of trying to build tutelage over downworlders (i don't care what his intentions were, it's still true, and although he's learning... well. he's learning, continuous action); 2- that would be more a relationship of opposition and i'm not that interested in that. but i would love to see seelies rebuilding themselves and their relationships and alliances with other downworlders particularly, and all the better if magnus is playing a part in that :)

in short:

more seelies

more magnus with seelies, especially friendships

more focus on the politics of seelies now that the seelie queen is gone

more seelies

more seelies

more seelies

[lgbtqiahistoricalromance]

LGBTQIA+ Historical Romance Novels w/ Ghosts, Vampires, and Other Gothic Delights!

Graveyard Sparrow by Kayla Bashe (f/f)

Katriona Sparrow, dubbed the Mad Heiress by most of London’s upper class, is the deceptively fragile ward of a foreign nobleman. She can’t stand making small talk with strangers, but she’s unparalleled when it comes to deciphering the dead. On a routine investigation, though, something goes horribly wrong, leaving Katriona catatonic in an upscale hospital and a serial killer with an artistic bent stalking London’s most vulnerable.

Enter Anthea Garlant, a young witch and academic ostracized from polite society for traveling the world without a chaperone.

She devises magical accommodations to protect Katriona from the side effects of her abilities — but as she grows more and more attached to the other woman, her professional façade begins to slip. Will they be able to stop the man who turns beautiful dead women into works of art — the man who is closer to Katriona than anyone suspects?

In The Valley of the Earth by RR Pearl (The Watchers #1) The only thing more dangerous than their chemistry…is their enemies! Mild-mannered Xenoarcheologist Dr. Alec Coimhead and his best friend, Dr. Clemy Armistead, are certain that they have just found the ancient location of an apocryphal battle between demons and angels. Whisked away on a rollicking adventure, Alec finds himself under the watchful eye of Rafe, a taciturn mountain of a man with a mysterious past.

Working with the enigmatic Praesidium, which claims to have protected humanity for generations, Alec clashes with his ethereally handsome bodyguard. As the New Watchers pursue the rambunctious pair across the globe, Alec and Rafe will have to battle ancient terrors and mythical creatures come to life. Racing to the ancient tomb of a fallen angel, Alec and Rafe may lose it all - and each other - to save the world. The Watchers: In The Valleys Of The Earth is the first book in an MM Action Adventure paranormal romance series.

Heart of Stone by Johannes T. Evans

The year is 1764, and following a glowing recommendation from his last employer, Henry Coffey, vampire, takes on a new personal secretary: young Theophilus Essex. The man is quite unlike any secretary - or any man, for that matter - that Henry has ever met. — ‘Heart of Stone’ is a slowly unfolding period romance between a vampire and his inimitably devoted clerk: lushly depicted in flowing, lovingly appended prose, we follow the slow understanding these two men grasp of one another, and the cross of their two worlds into each other’s.

Henry Coffey, immortal and ever-oscillating between periods of delighted focus upon his current passion project, is charming, witty, and seems utterly incapable of closing his mouth for more than a few moments; in contrast, Theophilus Essex is quiet and keenly focused, adopting an ever-flat affect, but as time goes on, he relaxes in his employer’s presence.

Craving resounding intimacy but with an ever aware of the polite boundaries for their situation, Coffey and Essex perform a slow dance as they grow closer to one another, and find themselves entangled.

The Strange Case of the Big Sur Benefactor by Jess Faraday (f/f and m/m)

Billiwack, California, 1884. When translator Rosetta Stein comes across her rival, Bartholomew Vincent, under attack by weird, raven-headed man-beasts behind the infamous Puckered Rosebud Gentleman’s Club, she senses opportunity. She rescues him in exchange for a crack at the commission he stole from under her nosea strangely inscribed artifact found by Big Sur bigwig George Taylor Granville in the Santa Lucia mountains. Misfortune has stalked Vincent from the moment he took on the project, and he’s only too happy to share it. In the meantime, a lady marshal has come to Billiwack, investigating rumors of strange, unlicensed weapons, and she can’t seem to decide if she’d rather kiss Rosetta or arrest her. And Vincent is suffering romantic complications of his own, in the forms of Rosetta’s charming layabout brother, and an amorous professor who won’t take God, no! for an answer.

The Harvest Moon by Joshua Ian (Darkly Enchanted Romance #1)

England, 1834. On the night of a harvest moon, in the shadows of late autumn, Malcolm comes across a quaint village tucked away in the forest. It seems the perfect spot for a weary traveller to lay his head, and maybe find a little company. But there is dark magic afoot, and lots of local gossip swirls around the seductive titian-haired weaver, Daniel. All Malcolm seeks is a night’s pleasure. He never suspected he would have to worry about losing his life. Or his heart.

The Ghost of Hillcomb Hall by Joshua Ian (Darkly Enchanted #2)

England, 1910. Landscape designer Jonas Laurence arrives at the cheerless and fog enswathed Hillcomb Hall, home to the Earl of Stanley and his family, to renovate their crumbling gardens. With a great storm crashing all around, his time is at the mercy of the house’s odd and mysterious occupants. Captivated by the hauntingly attractive portrait of Lord Stanley’s ancestor, which constantly seems to watch and taunt him, Jonas’s dreams become weird and distressing. And his waking moments are consumed by the strange stories and weird atmosphere of the manor estate. Ghostly visits in the night leave Jonas no choice but to accept his attraction to the otherworldly spirit from the painting. But is this affaire de coeur real? Or it all just a trick of the mind, a sinister game being played by the inhabitants of Hillcomb Hall?

Kinship and Kindness (Paranormal Society Romance Book One) by Kara Jorgensen (transmac MC)

Bennett Reynard needs one thing: to speak to the Rougarou about starting a union for shifters in New York City before the delegation arrives. When his dirigible finally lands in Louisiana, he finds the Rougarou is gone and in his stead is his handsome son, Theo, who seems to care for everyone but himself. Hoping he can still petition the Rougarou, Bennett stays only to find he is growing dangerously close to Theo Bisclavret.

Theo Bisclavret thought he had finally come to terms with never being able to take his father’s place as the Rougarou, but with his father stuck in England and a delegation of werewolves arriving in town, Theo’s quiet life is thrown into chaos as he and his sister take over his duties. Assuming his father’s place has salted old wounds, but when a stranger arrives offering to help, Theo knows he can’t say no, even if Mr. Reynard makes him long for things he had sworn off years ago.

As rivals arrive to challenge Theo for power and destroy the life Bennett has built, they know they must face their greatest fears or risk losing all they have fought for. With secrets threatening to topple their worlds, can Theo and Bennett let down their walls before it’s too late?

The Death Under the Dark Arches by Selina Kray (Stoker and Bash #3) Sing a song of sixpence A stage full of fright One two-faced blackbird Won’t last the night

When a phantom presence lures Hieronymus Bash into a deadly game, threatening to kill one of the players at his beloved Gaiety Theater each day until famed actor Horace Beastly returns to the stage, London’s premier consulting detective is on the case. The trouble? Horace Beastly is Hiero’s alter ego and the true object of this murderous obsession. When the current star of the show is struck down, Hiero has to risk everything by stealing back the spotlight.

After a golden summer together, DI Tim Stoker would do everything in his power to protect the man he loves. But a specter from his own past proves an unexpected, and perhaps fatal, distraction.

Scheming prima donnas, grudge-fuelled critics, and an axe-wielding theater ghost are all out for blood. Will Hiero and Tim unmask this menace before the final curtain call, or are they past the point of no return?

Secrets of Milan by Edale Lane (The Night Flyer Trilogy #2) (f/f)

Some secrets are meant to stay hidden.

While Florentina as the Night Flyer searches for a mysterious underworld organization that has attempted to murder the woman she loves, Maddie struggles to deal with the danger Florentina is courting. Her brother, Alessandro, has become the most prominent merchant of Milan, but the Night Flyer uncovers a secret so shocking it could destroy them all.

Secrets of Milan is the second book in Edale Lane’s Night Flyer Trilogy, a tale of power, passion, and payback in Renaissance Italy.

The Gentleman Attraction: a short victorian mm paranormal romance by Connor Peterson

Emerson Mallory never mixes business and pleasure. His eyes might wander but he certainly wouldn’t risk his professional reputation over a tryst. Not even for a silver-haired scoundrel who clearly knows his way around a bedroom and makes his heart race with just one look.

When a flirtatious train ride turns into a weekend in close quarters, Bennet Clarke doesn’t agree that it would be best to leave their attraction at the door. He gave up worrying about human sensibilities the night he became a vampire centuries ago, and right now he wants more than one taste of Emerson’s charm and unnerving ability to see past his cavalier masks.

Their host has a few secrets of their own and a madcap plan that requires Emerson to enlist Bennet’s help. When the inevitable happens, Emerson begins to think that maybe Bennet’s way of looking at things isn’t so bad. Bennet, however, is faced with a dilemma. Keep up the ruse, or confess that Emerson has no idea who he’s gotten involved with.

Amidst the flurry of activity surrounding their host, the two men will have to keep their affair secret, plan a successful party, and decide if forever is too much to ask.

The Faerie Hounds of York by Arden Powell

England, 1810. The north is governed by a single rule. Faerie will take as it pleases.

William Loxley is cursed. A pale and monstrous creature haunts his dreams, luring him from London to the desolate, grey landscape of his forgotten childhood. There, it will use him to open a door to Faerie—a fate that will trap Loxley in that glittering, heathen otherworld forever.

His only hope of escaping the creature’s grasp lies with John Thorncress, a dark and windswept stranger met on the moors. The longer Loxley stays in Thorncress’ company, the harder it becomes to fight his attraction to the man. Such attraction can only end in heartbreak—or the noose.

But Thorncress has his own bleak ties to Faerie. They come creeping in with the frost, their howls carrying on the winter wind. If Thorncress’ past catches up with him before they can break the curse, then Loxley will not only lose his soul. He’ll lose Thorncress, too.

Best Laid Plaids by Ella Stainton (Kilty Pleasures #1) 

Scotland, 1928 Dr. Ainsley Graham is cultivating a reputation as an eccentric. Two years ago, he catastrophically ended his academic career by publicly claiming to talk to ghosts. When Joachim Cockburn, a WWI veteran studying the power of delusional thinking, arrives at his door, Ainsley quickly catalogues him as yet another tiresome Englishman determined to mock his life’s work. But Joachim is tenacious and openhearted, and Ainsley’s intrigued despite himself. He agrees to motor his handsome new friend around to Scotland’s most unmistakable hauntings. If he can convince Joachim, Ainsley might be able to win back his good name and then some. He knows he’s not crazy—he just needs someone else to know it, too.

Joachim is one thesis away from realizing his dream of becoming a psychology professor, and he’s not going to let anyone stop him, not even an enchanting ginger with a penchant for tartan and lewd jokes. But as the two travel across Scotland’s lovely—and definitely, definitely haunted—landscape, Joachim’s resolve starts to melt. And he’s beginning to think that an empty teaching post without the charming Dr. Graham would make a very poor consolation prize indeed…

Where There’s a Kilt, There’s a Way by Ella Stainton (Kilty Pleasures #2)

Sweden, 1930 Two years ago, Dr. Ainsley Graham proved the existence of ghosts, and fell in love–hard to top that. But a trip to Sweden to research at a prestigious University for the summer is nothing to sneeze at, especially since his partner, psychologist Joachim Cockburn, will be teaching alongside him. A change of scenery might be just the thing.

Their idyllic trip to Sweden is interrupted by a ghost with a proclivity for rude hand gestures and graphic curse words–and a ghastly history begging to be investigated. Life among the living is complicated, too, by a gruff professor who can’t take his eyes off Ainsley, and an enticing new job offer for Joachim. What starts as an adventurous trip abroad turns into mayhem, murder, and…a magical moose? And everyone–well, perhaps not the moose–is a suspect in the death of the ghostly young man who brings them

together to expose secrets, loves lost, and a crime that will shock them all. The Harp and the Sea by Lou Sylvre and Anne Barwell (Magic in the Isles #1) In 1605, Robbie Elliot—a Reiver and musician from the Scottish borders—nearly went to the gallows. The Witch of the Hermitage saved him with a ruse, but weeks later, she cursed him to an ethereal existence in the sea. He has seven chances to come alive, come ashore, and find true love. For over a century, Robbie’s been lost to that magic; six times love has failed. When he washes ashore on the Isle of Skye in 1745, he’s arrived at his last chance at love, his last chance at life.

Highland warrior Ian MacDonald came to Skye for loyalty and rebellion. He’s lost once at love, and stands as an outsider in his own clan. When Ian’s uncle and laird sends him to lonely Skye to hide and protect treasure meant for Bonnie Prince Charlie’s coffers, he resigns himself to a solitary life—his only companion the eternal sea. Lonely doldrums transform into romance and mystery when the tide brings beautiful Robbie Elliot and his broken harp ashore.

A curse dogs them, enemies hunt them, and war looms over their lives. Robbie and Ian will fight with love, will, and the sword. But without the help of magic and ancient gods, will it be enough to win them a future together?

Starcrossed by Allie Therin (Magic in Manhattan #2)

When everything they’ve built is threatened, only their bond remains… 1925 New York

Psychometric Rory Brodigan’s life hasn’t been the same since the day he met Arthur Kenzie. Arthur’s continued quest to contain supernatural relics that pose a threat to the world has captured Rory’s imagination—and his heart. But Arthur’s upper-class upbringing still leaves Rory worried that he’ll never measure up, especially when Arthur’s aristocratic ex arrives in New York. For Arthur, there’s only Rory. But keeping the man he’s fallen for safe is another matter altogether. When a group of ruthless paranormals throw the city into chaos, the two men’s strained relationship leaves Rory vulnerable to a monster from Arthur’s past.

With dark forces determined to tear them apart, Rory and Arthur will have to draw on every last bit of magic up their sleeves. And in the end, it’s the connection they’ve formed without magic that will be tested like never before.

Automata by Hayden Thorne (Curiosities #2)

A disastrous incident at a ball in St. Jude threatens to undo Alexej Sauveterre, and his protective adoptive family whisk him off to San Marco, a mythical and romantic city in the water. Born sickly, young Alexej has grown up resigned to the fact that only his family’s immense wealth makes him barely palatable to other gentlemen seeking partners.

The family’s sojourn in San Marco at first promises a much-needed distraction to Alexej when his older brother introduces him to an aristocratic inventor of automata as well as an old school friend who now tours the European continent as a classical pianist. Baseless hope and heartbreak, however, seem to follow Alexej everywhere.

Alexej’s fascination for automata and his hopeless infatuation with Briant Cousineau draw the attention of an entity from the otherworld, one that’s been wandering the globe for unwary souls to claim through cursed wishes. San Marco’s winged lion summons the city’s supernatural guardians in answer, and in the midst of glittering balls, magical clockwork puppets, and lonely dreams, a terrifying fight for Alexej’s soul darkens the streets of a fading city.

Extensive List from 2018 Even more for 2019

[aion-rsa]

Midnight Mass Ending Explained

https://ift.tt/39I2zkp

This article contains spoilers for Midnight Mass.

Ending a horror story is hard.

Perhaps no one knows that better than Mike Flanagan, the writer-director behind horror hits like Doctor Sleep, The Haunting of Hill House, and The Haunting of Bly Manor. After observing the occasional less-than-enthusiastic reaction to the endings of some of his other projects, Flanagan decided to end his latest, Netflix series Midnight Mass, on his own terms.

“I didn’t want to come up with an ending that I thought would please people,” Flanagan told Den of Geek and other outlets prior to Midnight Mass’s premiere. “I wanted to come up with the ending that would have the most to say down the line.”

So what, exactly, does the ending of Midnight Mass have to say? Let’s explain just what goes down in the conclusion of Midnight Mass and assess what it all means. 

What’s Up with Mildred Gunning and John Pruitt?

Monsignor John Pruitt a.k.a. Father Paul (Hamish Linklater) was, by all indications, a good Christian man. 

“The thing we kept coming back to is that authentically, through-and-through evil people are very rare. We’re all way more complicated. The humanity of Father Paul was something that was baked in relatively early,” Flanagan says.

Though Pruitt is not a bad man, per se, he is a deeply flawed one. A long time ago, before the “war” (probably World War II or The Korean War), Pruitt hooked up with the married Mildred Gunning and fathered their daughter Sarah Gunning out of wedlock. That is obviously a big no-no for a priest and Pruitt lived with the guilt of denying his daughter for decades. 

Pruitt finally got a chance to alleviate that guilt when he came across a curious creature in Damascus. In this fictional universe where the concept of a vampire is clearly not well known, John Pruitt made the understandable mistake of confusing a monstrous vampire for an equally monstrous angel. After all, the angels of the bible are so visually terrifying that they make a habit of telling those they visit “be not afraid.” 

Pruitt thought this angel had granted him the gift of eternal life, just like the Bible promises. He then decides to share that gift with his congregation. The priest’s major sin here though is pride. He didn’t share the angel’s gift with his congregation out of pure benevolence. He did it because he wanted many more years of life in his prime with Mildred and Sarah at his side. Catholicism means everything to Pruitt. And yet, he would cast it all aside for another chance to have the family he wanted. 

“If you showed up and asked me, I would have taken this collar off and gone with you. Gone with you anywhere in the world,” Pruitt tells Mildred after she’s been vampirified. 

That’s a touching sentiment from the artist formerly known as Father Paul but it’s unfortunately a destructive one.

“When it became clear that Paul could do bad things with pure motives, the show came into clearer focus. There’s only one character in the whole show who I think is evil and it’s not Father Paul,” Flanagan says.

Only one character who is evil? Who could Flanagan be referr….ohhh.

What Were the Vampires’ Plans?

Flanagan actually never confirms which character he sees as evil, but Bev Keane (Samantha Sloyan) seems to be the best fit…unless we count the angel, and he just seems to be a hungry, growing boy.

Bev is, let’s say, a real piece of work. As beautifully depicted by Sloyan, Bev Keane is the officious church lady who can’t keep her nose out of other people’s business. After Mildred talks some sense into John Pruitt, he understands that he and his congregation “are the wolves” and refuses to participate further. That leaves a power vacuum at the top, which Bev is more than happy to step into. 

Read more

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Why Midnight Mass is Mike Flanagan’s Most Personal Work

By Alec Bojalad

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Midnight Mass Cast: Previous Credits From Hill House to Bly Manor, Legion & Sherlock

By Louisa Mellor

Now that Bev has a veritable army of superpowered vampires what does she intend to do with them? The same thing that all Bevs want to do: make more Bevs. Bev represents the worst of colonial Christianity and its historical penchant for converting all to its kingdom of heaven…through any means necessary.

When Erin Greene (Kate Siegel) finds out that Bev and friends have merely disabled the boats and not destroyed them, she realizes that their ultimate plan is to eventually take their vampire party to the mainland and create a whole planet of enlightened Christians who just happy to have an insatiable taste for blood and a severe UV-ray allergy. 

What Happens to Crockett Island?

Thankfully, Bev’s ultimate goal never comes to pass thanks to the careful plotting of the handful of human beings left in Crockett Island. Erin Greene, Sarah Gunning (Annabeth Gish), Sheriff Hassan (Rahul Kohli), and Annie Flynn (Kirstin Lehman) get to work on finishing the destruction that Bev started.

Ironically, it’s part of Bev’s plan that eventually dooms her and her kind. When one of Bev’s lackeys proposes putting out a fire that the human crew started because the whole island could burn to nothing like in ‘84, Bev’s eyes light up.

“I mean…the church didn’t burn in ‘84,” she says.

Surely this is Revelation. And Revelation means a hale mixed with fire and blood. There will be a flood of fire that ends the world and St. Patrick’s church will be the arc. That’s a great plan and all…as long as something doesn’t happen to the arc.

Welp. Sarah Gunning burns down St. Patrick’s and Sheriff Hassan and Erin Greene (with an assist from Hassan’s son) burn down the rec center. As if burning a church designated as an arc wasn’t symbolically compelling enough, recall that the rec center next to it is equally as symbolic of Bev’s greed. It was Bev who convinced Crockett Island to take the oil company’s money for ruining their island rather than pursuing litigation. And all they got out of that settlement money was that stupid rec center.

With the church and the rec center gone, there are no man-made structures for the vampires to hide from the sun in the coming morning. And that’s how an entire island of 120-ish vampires perishes simultaneously when the sun rises. 

Why Do Leeza and Warren Survive? 

All of Crockett Island perishes save for two actually. Warren Flynn (Igby Rigney) and Leeza Scarborough (Annarah Cymone) are spared thanks to some quick thinking. Putting the only two remaining non-vampirized children in harm’s way is not an option for Erin, Sarah, Hassan, and Annie. Thankfully, Warren knows of one secret canoe to reach the “Uppards” that Bev’s crew wouldn’t know about. 

The canoe doesn’t take Warren and Leeza to the mainland but it does get them away from the carnage to come. The last shot of the series is Warren and Leeza floating peacefully and Leeza announcing that she can no longer feel her legs. This means that the last bit of “angel” blood has likely left her system and with it Pruitt’s vampire legacy is over. 

Saving Warren and Leeza has practical, emotional implications for Midnight Mass’s characters but it also has some symbolic ones as well. The concept of witnessing and witnesses themselves are very important in the Bible. As a second-hand text (though purportedly with every word inspired by God) there would be no gospel without witnesses. Good news is only half the battle. Someone to witness and report on the good news is the other half. Now Warren and Leeza can report on the ultimate good news that the world is saved.

The fact that the kids survive while the adults succumb to their own adult nonsense has some major implications for Midnight Mass’s creator 

“That last moment of the next generation looking out at the ashes of what the grown ups made – that’s what my kids are gonna get no matter what,” Flanagan says. “That’s what all of our kids are gonna get. I wish it wasn’t as on fire as it it. But it really is. We’re never going to be able to explain adequately to our children what happened to the planet they inherited.”

What Happens to the Angel?

With all of Crockett Island burned to the ground, the world’s vampire nightmare is over, right? Well that depends on how well you think an angel can fly with torn wings. No, that’s not an aphorism or a poem, it’s the real question facing the end of Midnight Mass.

As if saving Warren and Leeza and upending Bev Keane’s plans weren’t enough, Erin leaves one last little gift for humanity before she dies. While the angel attacks her and drinks her sweet, sweet blood, Erin begins systematically, yet carefully cutting holes in its leathery wings. At first the angel is kind of annoyed but his hunger supersedes any level of discomfort or pain he’s feeling. 

Later on, while Warren and Leeza watch their home burn they see the angel flying away but in a halted, loopy pattern. The kids aren’t sure if the beast will have time to find shelter before the sun rises. According to Flanagan, if Midnight Mass is a parable (and he assures us it is) then the ultimate lesson of all this isn’t too hard to glean. 

“The angel doesn’t represent vampirism or horror but corruption in any belief system,” he says. “It represents fundamentalism and fanaticism. That’s never gonna go away. You might chase it away from your community for a minute. You might send it off to the sunrise and hope that that corrupting ideology will disappear. But it won’t. And the show could never show the angel die for that reason.”

With that in mind, the angel’s flawed flight pattern isn’t so much Inception’s spinning top but rather a promise that evil will find a way. And then we puny human beings will just have to find a way to stop it all over again. If that’s not Biblical then we don’t know what is.

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All seven episodes of Midnight Mass are available to stream on Netflix now.

The post Midnight Mass Ending Explained appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[autolenaphilia]

The Fall of the Roman Empire: the movie

The 1964 historical epic film The Fall of the Roman Empire,directed by Anthony Mann is a very interesting film.

It is a very ambitious title to start with and the opening narration explains that the fall of the Roman Empire was not a singular event and took place slowly over hundreds of years. No film can adequately depict that, not even one that is close to 3 hours long like this. So the story focuses on the death of emperor Marcus Aurelius and the reign of his son Commodus, which traditionally is held to be the start of the decline that lead to Rome’s fall.

Of course this is all according to traditional history of course, a more modern and sophisticated understanding of history sees more complex reasons for Rome’s fall than it starting with a bad emperor, and you can of course question if the empire was really fallen until the fall of its Eastern half in the 1400s.

Not that history matters all that much to this film. It uses historical figures like Marcus and his children Commodus and Lucilla, but the story it tells is mostly fictional and complete fictional characters play prominent roles.

Timonides and Marcus Aurelius

It is actually a parable about power and empire. The dying Marcus Aurelius (Alec Guinness)wants to create a “New Rome” and a “true Pax Romana”. All the many nations of the empire, regardless of skin color or religion will be equal and citizens of Rome. And he wants to make peace with the Germanic “barbarians” at the Northern Border, by including them in this Roman equality.

He realizes his dastardly son Commodus (Christopher Plummer) is unfit for creating that world, so he prefers the noble general Livius (Stephen Boyd) to succeed him as emperor. Livius is also the lover of Marcus’s daughter Lucilla (Sophia Loren) and a friend of Commodus.

But he dies before he can make that plan official. He is already dying of illness but being poisoned by Commodus’s allies hastens his death. And so Commodus becomes emperor and does the exact opposite of what Marcus wanted. He wants to keep Roman citizenship a privilege for the few and ruthlessly exploits the empire’s eastern provinces for grain and taxes.

Livius and Lucilla

Livius, Lucilla and Timonides (a close advisor to Marcus, played by James Mason) try to keep Marcus’s vision of peace and equality alive despite their new emperor’s wishes and at great cost at themselves, with Livius and Lucilla even being prepared to sacrifice their own relationship.

And that is the film’s explanation for why the Roman empire fell: it was due to greedy people who wanted power, glory and money for themselves, and valuing that over peace and equality, which ended up destroying the empire “from within”. It is best read as a moral message, with the Roman empire standing in for any political entity or even humankind itself, rather than any actual historical analysis. The sheer amount of fiction in the storyline would complicate any attempt to view this as a representation of history. And it is not a bad message, of course.

It is an unusually intelligent script for a Hollywood film, with coherent themes and all. Probably the main problem is that the characters aren’t that complex. The good guy are fairly uncomplicated representations of virtue and Commodus as a villain is close to cartoonish. The good guys might have their doubts and conflicts at times, and Commodus can be pitiable as well as evil, but ultimately there is almost zero moral ambiguity in this film. But it works to humanize them beyond being just representations of good and evil in this morality play.

Commodus

But it is the sheer quality of the acting that makes these characters work. Alec Guinness and James Mason are able to make Marcus and Timonides into likeable and not just righteous. Lucilla gets damselled at one point, but she actually has agency and tries to do things on her own intiative, which gives Sophia Loren time to shine. Christopher Plummer is just amazing as Commodus. A convincing portrait of a man who is “fun to be around” but is ultimately self-interested and greedy for power and glory and deeply insecure. Probably the weakest link in the cast is Stephen Boyd as Livius, he is a bit stiff, especially compared to the amazing actors that surround him in this film, but he isn’t terrible.

A very impressive shot: the massive crowd here is all real people, and the sets are actual sets and not matte paintings.

And the execution of the film is very impressive. The film had a very high budget, about 19 million dollars in 1964 (which due to inflation is more like 175 million today) and it certainly shows. Hundreds and hundreds of extras, huge outdoor sets (including a reconstruction of the Roman Forum that measured 400 x 230 meters) make the film into a viscerally exciting spectacle. It is still impressive, even if the film can still spend too much time on the spectacle, there are many long shots of processions that can be a bit tedious.

This high-budget proved to be the film’s undoing. It made back only about a quarter of that huge budget at the box-office. The Fall of the Roman Empire was part of a trend for high budget “sword and sandal” historical epics, at the time that tried to re-create the success of Ben-Hurand compete with television by supplying spectacle that the small screen could never match. And its financial failure proved to be the end of that trend.

The Fall of the Roman Empire is not a perfect film by any means, the film is probably over-long with perhaps too much screentime spent on spectacle and the characters are a bit simplistic. But the film has an intelligent script that has something to say, impressive production values and some excellent acting. It was unquestionably a financial failure, but not an artistic one.

[hideawayintheimaginationworld]

I adore your fazbear fright house au and would love to hear of lefty fixes bonbon for funtime Freddy but of course take your time that's just my suggestion for the boredom thing

Funtime Freddy knew he had been outside all night, he was sitting with his back against the house, his eyes shifted focus from place to place, like this garden outside, obviously which was not to be disturbed by him, he didn’t know if Lefty was the one who planted things or if this was someone else's place to do things. He knew Millie wasn't the only one living here, he didn’t bother to remember everyone, he remembered that kid Alec because he had the audacity to drop a stack of plates on his head once, he also knew about Sarah because of Eleanor mentioning her in every sentence, like it was an obsession.

Funtime Freddy always thought she was slightly creepy.

He preferred Ballora honestly.

Actually, he hadn’t seen her in years.

He couldn’t hear anything inside the house despite he knew he was outside of the kitchen, he didn’t know what Lefty was doing inside that house generally, he had seen enough of Lefty to know coming in uninvited was a big mistake. He couldn’t tell if Lefty locked him outside, he was slightly wary if he tried to open the door, he'd be met with an angry black bear.

The only thing that bothered him was how lonely BonBon might be. He hadn’t seen BonBon in years and he just gave them to Lefty, with a possible loosely veiled promise of repair. He would have liked to keep him but he wouldn’t argue with Lefty.

Dark had turned to light, he watched the sunrise above, lighting everything, seeing everything in a new light, he could see a tree that was showing flowers, the flowers themselves were coloured bright red, this whole garden appeared well kept, he could see the grass on the ground was cut down to size.

The sun had brought everything into perspective, how much time passed, and where he was exactly in this world.

He had always thought of the sun as a clock, being able to tell roughly the correct time by looking at its position high in the sky, a skill he had with some pride.

He started to wonder how long it would take, and how long he'd be outside for, he wouldn’t leave without BonBon at this point, he felt like an unreachable goal was now within his grasp and he didn’t want it pulled away now.

But the anxiety was killing him in a way.

The door finally opened and Funtime Freddy hurriedly got to his feet and backed away, Lefty came outside, he looked at Funtime Freddy almost inquisitively, “I thought you would run away. You've been outside for over 12 hours.”

“Not without BonBon,” Funtime Freddy answered.

“Well you've been out here for hours, I didn’t even think you'd sit still.”

“I have some self-control.”

“Not a hell of a lot though Funtime,” Lefty sneered, closing the door and standing near the doorway, clearly so he could go back inside quickly just in case, Funtime Freddy always noticed people would like to stand near the door whenever they were around him as a means to get away quickly, which indicated just how well-liked he was.

“Have you looked at BonBon?” Funtime Freddy asked him.

“Not really, it's a normal day for me, I haven’t gotten a spare minute until now, I wanted to see what you were doing.”

“Nothing!”

Funtime Freddy to Lefty sounded like a whiny child, which he had heard plenty of those, Funtime Freddy's voice, in particular, was grating to his ears.

“I need parts.”

“What?”

“I need parts to fix BonBon,” Lefty further explained, “And tools, ideally I'd need new parts, I don’t even know if some of the parts I might need are still being made.”

“That doesn’t really matter.”

“Yes, yes it does. We aren’t from the same generation, your exoskeleton is made of coiled wires that bend and move like snakes under the skin, my body is an advanced exoskeleton that is tough to break, you have a chest cavity, I don’t.”

“Wait you don’t?” Funtime Freddy frowned, he assumed because Lefty was just as big as him that he had some sort of storage tank in his abdomen somewhere.

“No, I don't,” Lefty repeated.

“What have you got then?”

“A lot of complicated mechanisms, that all simultaneously work around the clock, Henry builds the most advanced machines, the only reason why I can’t ever get rid of you for good is that William made you have almost the same strength level as me. Henry made us with the intentions to act as security guards.”

“How do we know Henry didn’t copy anybody?” Funtime Freddy asked.

Lefty turned sour, “You're asking that despite what you are? We aren’t the same. You are a dressed-up cage for children basically,” He jabbed his finger at his chest.

Funtime Freddy looked at his finger poking at him, then he looked at the house and remembered something.

“Speaking of children....”

“At school,” Lefty answered immediately, “They're all out of the house, I told them about what happened.”

“Even... Millie?” Funtime Freddy asked, not knowing if this was a question he shouldn’t be asking.

“Yes, I don’t want her safety threatened by your presence, I have a set of rules regarding her and the other kids that I want you to obey.”

Funtime Freddy should have expected this.

“Don't talk about death, ever, I don’t care if it's hypothetical or you think it's funny, you're not funny, no one wants to hear that,” Lefty said.

“Okay.”

“Do not ever enter the house unless you are invited in, and I only want you downstairs, you can be in the garage, do not go upstairs ever, if I catch you up there, I will throw you downstairs.”

“What if I have to?”

Lefty frowned, “What? Why would you need to?”

“Say Eleanor shows up, for that other girl... um, Sarah right?” Funtime Freddy suggested.

Lefty was silent before responding: “Then come to my room, it's the first room, do not go into anyone else's room, especially Millie's, are you clear now?”

“Yep.”

“This should go without saying but I know because of how much a nuisance you can be if you even make a threat to anyone, this little deal we have, is null and void.”

“Understood!” Funtime Freddy gave him a thumbs up.

“If I can’t fix BonBon, then you need to accept it.”

Funtime Freddy's happy demeanour dropped, “What?? But-”

“You aren’t modern neither is BonBon, there is a chance BonBon will require parts that are now obsolete,” Lefty explained.

Funtime Freddy shook his head, “Then I'll look in the Scrap Yard, I've found all kinds of things there, I could find–”

“I understand you want BonBon fixed, but this isn’t a guarantee, and I'm holding you to our deal, I will be fair, I expect you to be also.”

Funtime Freddy gave a smile, he saw Lefty immediately narrowed his eyes at him, so he stopped smiling.

“You are covered in filth,” Lefty told him, “Would you protest to being cleaned up?”

Funtime Freddy shook his head, he knew he hadn’t been washed in years, he knew Lefty was probably getting cleaned regularly, as he didn’t even have so much as a bad smell on him and he appeared very well groomed from top to bottom, Funtime Freddy knew he was covered in dust, dirt and other stains like paint, grease, and oil.

Lefty turned and opened the door, he then stepped aside, “Come in, but when I say leave, go back outside, no complaining.”

Funtime Freddy didn’t push his luck with a snide remark, he sped walked inside, Lefty closed the door and Funtime Freddy looked around more in the kitchen.

His eyes briefly rested on the knife block, before realising that looked bad so he looked at the dining table instead, seeing a folded newspaper there, along with a black coffee mug, which he presumed was Lefty's.

Funtime Freddy then looked around, he expected to hear something else aside from his exoskeleton loudly creaking and shifting with the movements of his neck— he could honestly do with a slight maintenance check, but it wasn’t urgent.

“Are you the only one home?” Funtime Freddy knew he said the kids were out but he knew some adults were living here too.

“Matt's bedridden, he picked up some sort of virus, he's been throwing up everything he eats, Stanley had the day off and said he'd deal with him, and Delilah been spending time with this new man she met, means I can catch up on some chores, then have some tea.”

“The kids don’t do any chores?” Funtime Freddy questioned the situation.

“They do the simple stuff, like washing dishes, washing clothes, mopping the floor... I mean the more intense chores, like cleaning all the carpets which usually takes a few hours, cleaning the oven...” Lefty explained.

“What can I do?”

“Sit in the kitchen, be silent, I'll clean up stuff.”

“What about BonBon?”

“I'll get around to it later,” Lefty shrugged, “If I have time.”

“BonBon isn’t an it.”

“Whatever, the thing is valuable to you, not me.”

Funtime Freddy felt offended by that, and he countered, “It's the same as you and Millie! You look out for her!”

Lefty stared at him coldly before answering, “You do realise you just compared your relationship to what is your friend to that of me and the girl you traumatised? Do you not realise my point of view now? You are the monster that terrorises her, Millie is still a child, her parents are overseas, her grandfather is elderly and he can't protect her from you, she hides behind me because of fear, oh but you wouldn’t know what real fear feels like? Would you?”

Funtime Freddy went silent, he then walked over the dining table and sat down on one of the chairs, he felt completely uncomfortable.

[nazghoulz]

The Definitive Ranking of Richard Armitage’s Acting Roles, Rated Exclusively by How Hot I Find Him In Screengrabs

Richard Armitage. As a diehard Thorin Oakenshield fan I certainly have a complicated relationship with him, mainly because I can never decide if I find him inherently hot or not. On the one hand, I’m a hardcore Thorinfucker. On the other hand my gay ass sees a headshot of Mr. Armitage and I’m just like, “Oh, no thank you.” So in order to set myself to rights, I have gone through Mr. Armitage’s IMDB and done a definitive ranking of all his 44 screen roles on there, based completely and arbitrarily on how hot I find him in screenshots. (Thank you to all the hardcore Armitage Fuckers who keep wordpress blogs with screengrabs of his various cameos and bit parts; my respect for you cannot be put into words.) I haven’t seen like 90% of these properties, and I didn’t bother to research them, so these are mainly just gut first impressions. I hope this helps anyone else out there who as confused by him as I am. Enjoy ?

44. Father Quart in The Seville Communion/The Man From Rome (2020)   — ??/10

I don’t think this movie is out yet? Idk I haven’t been able to find any stills of him, let alone much information about the movie itself. It’s listed on his IMDB though! And apparently he’s playing a priest...which could be extremely  👁️👁️ if done correctly.

43. Unnamed Naboo Fighter Pilot in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) — 1/10

OH SWEETIE NO!!!!! This physically pains me to say this, because I unironically love this terrible movie with my whole heart, but unlike a yung Kiera Knightley’s role (pictured front and center) as Padmé’s loyal body double Sabé, this is probably a cameo that we would all like to forget about. The only thing Richard has to offer is this unfortunate turtle-faced realness. This helmet does him no favors.

42. Man in Pub in Boon (1992) — 2/10

As far as I know this is Richard’s first acting credit on IMDB, and he for sure is working the background extra energy. Go on girl give us nothing! He does have a decent backside though, and it’s better than looking at unfortunate turtle face, so I give this one a 2.

41. Paul Andrews in Between the Sheets (2003)  — 2/10

I can’t really articulate why, but I absolutely despise every screenshot I see of Richard Armitage in this role. He is completely unhot, and not even in a way I can laugh at. He takes no advantage of his assets, he has no charisma, no magnetism, no nothing. This is Richard Armitage at his most white bread rando, in a way that makes me actively dislike him. Pbbbbttth. Bad. Throw this whole thing away.

40. Craig Parker in Casualty (2001)  — 2/10

I don’t know, it’s like the perfect storm of the gelled 2001 hair, the terrible quarter? eighth? zip sweater, and overall, er, skeezy vibes that he gives off that makes him particularly unhot in this role. Perhaps not as reprehensible as Unhot Paul, but still. I think the sheer boringness of this has to count for something. Blech.

39. Dr. Tom Steele in Doctors (2001) — 2.5/10

He honestly looks like a villain in an early season of Alias, which... well. Quentin Tarantino was cast as a bit-part villain in Alias season one, so take that as you will. But at least he’s compelling here, which is why he gets half a point over Unhot Paul.

38. Steven in Frozen (2005) — 3/10

Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends! Also short haircuts do nothing for you, Richard. Styled like this, they just serve to make you look sort of like a sleaze.

37. Peter Macduff in ShakespeaRe-Told (2005) — 3/10

He honestly looks like he could be a guest star in Friends in this one, where he’s a guy named Jason who Ross meets in Central Perk where they find they have a lot in common. Ross introduces Jason to Monica and they really hit it off, but it all comes crashing down because while Jason is sensitive and writes poetry, he also thinks that the Earth is flat. The rest of the episode is trying to get rid of Jason while he becomes increasingly obsessed with Monica, and Ross cannot quite let go trying to prove to Jason that the world is round. Anyway. Macduff Flat Earth Jason isn’t quite as unhot as Unhot Paul, but he’s pretty much on the same level as Tired Steven.

36. Phillip Durrant in Marple (2007) — 3/10

Something about him in this image really makes me want to punch him in the face. It’s huge Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3 energy.

35. Young Claude Monet in The Impressionists (2006) — 3.5/10

I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND IS !!! CARNIVAL BARKER !!!!! STEP RIGHT UP TO SEE THE WORST GOATEE IN HISTORY !!! I was actually going to give Yung Claude a 2 but the more I look at this terrible beard the more impressed I am with the boldness of this look, so I had to bump it up to 3.5. Idk. Just look at this. It’s incredible, especially knowing what kind of beard Armitage can grow himself !!!!!!!!

34. Heinz Kruger in Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) — 3.5/10

This is definitely the best looking he’s been so far in this list, but he’s a Nazi in this one, which makes him unsexy on principle. But do I feel a little something when he gets pinned to the ground by jacked Chris Evans with the above look on his face right before he swallows his cyanide pill? Can neither confirm nor deny. They are also truly playing into his inherently sinister bone structure, so I can respect that.

33. Percy Courtney in Miss Marie Lloyd (2007) — 4/10

Even including Yung Claude and Nazi Heinz, I think Nothing Percy is probably the weakest of Richard’s period looks, mostly because he looks like, well, nothing. He certainly doesn’t pull off that top hat like he does in North and South, and the secret to that might be the lack of sideburns. In this one he just sort of reminds me of the asshole fiance in Titanic.

32. Philip Turner in The Inspector Lynley Mysteries (2005) — 4/10

He’s really giving off bargain bin Hugh Jackman as Wolverine vibes here, if Logan’s energy was more “murderer in a Hallmark channel mystery” than “superhero.” Though, given what sort of show this is, that may be the point! Idk, this isn’t the worst. At least he has a decent haircut in this one. Still, I feel absolutely nothing when I look at him. He’s simply royalty-free stock music given human form.

31. Dr. Alec Track in The Golden Hour (2005) — 4.5/10

I could see how this conceivably be sexy in this role, but to be honest, he’s still nothing to me, sorry. He gets some extra points because he obviously worked out for this role and the hard nips through a white undershirt is a commendable look. I whole-heartedly respect Doctor Alec’s thottitude.

30. Daryl in Staged (1999) — 4.5/10

Speaking of thottitude!!!!! This is one cream-faced business boy that I can certainly get into! He looks like the love interest in a pre-Hayes code homoerotic thriller from the early 1930s. I’m sure that’s just because of the lighting and general staging of this production, but hm... demure. Love it.

29. Capt. Ian Macalwain in Ultimate Force (2003) — 4.5/10

Well, he looks like a character from M*A*S*H but with no charisma, or like an extra in The Great Escape who snitches on Steve McQueen to the Nazis. Also in half the pictures I find of him from this he’s wearing this terrible beret, which I know he can pull off because of a role that ranks much higher on this list. Whoever styles this man really needs to pay attention to what sort of headgear they put on him.  

28. Epiphanes in Cleopatra (1999) — 5/10

Speaking of headgear, you know what?? He doesn’t look awful here. A solid 5, perfectly acceptable. I think the helmet does a lot to accentuate the sharpness of his face in this extremely bit part, though the eyeliner definitely also helps as well.

27. John Mulligan in Moving On (2009) — 5/10

Mr. Armitage’s characters can really have potential when a production’s stylist allows him to wear scruff (IN A WAY THAT LOOKS NATURAL, LOOKING AT YOU YUNG CLAUDE). However, as it is with John Mulligan in Moving On here, he just sort of looks like a rando? They’re not playing into the inherent angularity of his face, which for me makes it sort of confusing regarding what sort of emotion I’m supposed to feel while looking at him. As it is, I’m just like, “Yup, that sure is a regular human man, right there.”

26. Smug Man at Party in This Year’s Love (1999) — 5/10

This is the face of a man who less smug and is more DRUNK OUT OF HIS MIND !!!! Idk. He’s cute here, I’ll admit. That’s all I have to say about it.

25. John Standring in Sparkhouse (2002) — 5.5/10

I enjoy the bold choice of giving him wavy hair in this one, but I’m not sure he quite pulls it off. It doesn’t look bad, per se, just... he looks completely nonthreatening. Which I guess could be someone’s thing, but not mine. He honestly looks like a knock-off Will Graham, sans dogs and trauma.

24. Gary in Into the Storm (2014) — 5.5/10

I think the thing that really gets me is that this character’s name is Gary. Who on God’s green Earth looks at Richard Armitage and goes, “Ah yes, you do look like a Gary” ??? I don’t think I know of a single non-American Gary, especially since the name Gary only got popularized after Gary Cooper renamed himself after his hometown of Gary, Indiana!!!! It wasn’t really a name for human men before that!!!! I want to live in the alternate universe where Frank Cooper was originally from Albuquerque and named himself Albuquerque Cooper and this character is named as such. Gary. Really.

23. King Oleron in Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016) — 5.5/10

I truly hate how much his facial expressions in these stills remind me of Thorin, considering how bad he looks otherwise. Like his face his fine, I guess, especially since this is the first instance of his full beard. I’m charmed despite myself! Take me to wonderland, O King.

22. Adam Price in The Stranger (2020) — 5.5/10

For as compelling as people call this series, Richard here isn’t very much so imo. But despite my utter lack of interest, he doesn’t look bad per se. He just sort of has that stubbly white man blandness that colors a lot of his more recent roles. Like, at least his bad mid-2000′s styling had character. This is just the visual representation of a vague handwave.

21. Harry Kennedy in The Vicar of Dibley (2006)  — 6/10

Gosh... floppy hair, cute sweaters... he also seems to be smiling a lot in this one, which is nice! The only thing I have to complain about is that he looks very much like if Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman circa Kate and Leopold had a baby, which may not necessarily be too much of a bad thing, but I can’t unsee it.

20. Sgt. John Porter in Strike Back (2010)  — 6/10

Ah, back to poorly suited haircuts. At least he’s a little bit gritter and grimier than we’ve seen so far, and I will say Richard Armitage does look good covered in dirt, as we will see later on. Also he’s got biceps in this one, which, hell yeah.

19.  Ricky Deeming in Inspector George Gently (2007)  — 6/10

I’M HAVING THE HARDEST TIME RIGHT NOW RANKING THIS ONE BC OF THIS INCREDIBLE LITTLE WHITE SCARF-RIDING LEATHERS COMBO!!! WHICH ABSOLUTE GENIUS DECIDED THIS!!!! EVERY SCREENSHOT OF HIM IN HIS EPISODE HAS THIS!!! Part of me just wants to give Stylish Ricky a big fat 10 because I’m gay and adore the sheer audacity of this look, but I still have to be fair and rank his overall aura accordingly. I think he’s a handsome extremely gay-coded motorcycle lad in this one, but he doesn’t exactly rev my engine, so to speak.

18. Lucas North in Spooks (2008) — 6/10

The tattoos really spice this one up. Luke could have been plagued by the problems inherent in Regular Mulligan’s Moving On styling, but this guy has an edge to him. He has a good haircut and 5′ o’clock shadow, which is something I’ve figured out is integral to Armitage Hotness. I feel like if I got to know this character I could possibly find him sexy.

17. Raymond de Merville in Pilgrimage (2017) — 6.5/10

Speaking of bad haircuts, this one is his undoing. This is almost the perfect balance between full beard and short haircut, which is the only way a short haircut works on this man, but they ruined it with this one! They gave him a bad bowl fade, which completely undoes any inherent sexiness that comes with being a knight. Not even the fact that he’s covered in dirt can turn me on at this point, ugh. Guy of Gisbourne he is not!!!

16. Tom Calahan in Brain on Fire (2016) — 6.5/10

Oh hell yes, WELCUM 2 DA DILF ZONE!!! I’m not super duper thrilled with the looks I’ve seen from this movie, but he seems scruffy and comfy in a way that is slightly refreshing for ol’ Richard. This is certainly the best of his normie looks so far. I’m just sad it took them 24 years to figure out how to style him properly for sympathetic roles in a contemporary setting.

15. James in My Zoe (2019) — 6.5/10

It’s another DILF look, slightly edgier than Comfy Tom but none of that sexy tired energy that we’ll see from Ocean’s 8. I don’t know !! Jimmy here doesn’t exactly thrill me, I think I prefer Tom’s flannels to this sharp bomber jacket/white t shirt combo seen here. Oh well! I am extremely  👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 that he can just casually palm that soccer ball like that.

14. John Thornton in North & South (2004)  — 7/10

Alright. I’m sorry. I just don’t find him that hot in this role. Like yeah, he’s got the scruff and the sideburns that work to his advantage, and the setting does make this character inherently sexy, but in some screenshots he screams too much of an aforementioned Kate and Leopold (the best Meg Ryan movie, imo) era Hugh Jackman to me. And if I was particularly into that, I would just watch Kate and Leopold again. I will admit, however, that this rating could be subject to change if I actually took the time to watch this show.

13. Chop in Urban and the Shed Crew (2015) — 7/10

...I’M??? INTO IT??? He’s dirty and scruffy but also has kind eyes.... I feel like this is knock off Will Graham who has blossomed into his own. His run down, grime-covered own. He’s back edging into Bradley Cooper territory, but somehow it works for him in this one. Like, I’m 89% sure it’s the DILF vibes I’ve been getting from the other screengrabs I’ve seen of this role, and this particular flavor of DILF is way sexier than Jimmy or Comfy Tom.

12. Francis Dolarhyde in Hannibal (2015) — 7/10

His Caesar cut doesn’t bother me quite so much in this, probably because he is pretty explicitly playing a villain in a series that doesn’t have any basis in reality. A villain who is ripped, and who can effortlessly throw real Will Graham around. Armitage uses his inherent sinisterness to great effect as the Red Dragon, which is good actually! I think a lot of how hot he is in any particular role really depends on whether the styling allows him to play to his strengths...idk! I’m not usually a huge fan of clean shaven Armitage, but it works for Frank here.

11. Daniel Miller in Berlin Station (2016) — 7/10

As much as I adore this particular look (beard + fade + green army jacket), I have to compromise and give Danny a 7/10 because it seems like the first season they styled him in usual stubbly white man blandness. I’d say screengrabs from s1 are a solid 6, while this might be an 8, so the average is a 7. That’s all I have to say about this!

10. Claude Becker in Ocean’s 8 (2018) — 7.5/10

!!!!! I love him in this role, I about had a conniption in the theater because I absolutely was not expecting him!! He looks perfectly ruffled and scruffy, edgier than either Comfy Tom or Jimmy, which I’m very into. That plus his two borzois (objectively the best looking dogs on the planet) really put Old Claude over the top for me. Thank you, thank you Hollywood stylists for finally figuring out what to do with him for roles as a Normal Man.

9. Richard Hall in The Lodge (2019) — 7.5/10

I don’t know anything about this movie, but it seems pretty spooky, which I’m into. I think Richard is well suited for this sort of horror/thriller role, where his angular features can play into the overall vibe rather than some hapless stylist trying to work around them. He looks like another cozy DILF here but with a bite to him, like someone who would do anything to protect his brood. I mean, he’s teaching this child to shoot! But idk, he also has the potential for Jack Nicholson in The Shining energy, which I also could be....hm... into. Idk. Is this on Netflix??

8. Lee in Cold Feet (2003) — 7.5/10

FUN!!! FLIRTY!!!! OTTER VIBES!!!!! I LOVE THIS, he seems so goofy here, and Armitage doesn’t usually pull off goofy that well! I’ve giggled at literally every screenshot I could find from the four episodes he was in this show, he seems like a real himbo. I’m a huge fan, even if it comes at the cost of dehydration abs.

7. William Chatford in Malice Aforethought (2005) — 7.5/10

Hoo hoo HOO DO NOT JUDGE ME!!!!!!! Maybe it’s just because I’ve been watching the new season of The Alienist and the new dark and gritty HBO reboot of Perry Mason back to back, but sue me, I love the bold choice they made with giving him a pencil moustache here. He looks like a hot Howard Hughes; if cream-faced business boy Daryl from Staged is the young ingenue in the pre-Hayes Code thriller I cast him in, Bill here is the sexy antagonist. I desperately want to hear a perfect Transatlantic accent coming out out of that  mouth. This look fucks and I’m sticking to that no matter what.

6. Trevor Belmont in Castlevania (2017) — 8/10

Ah, yes, speaking of king himbos... do me a favor and look me right in the eye and tell me that you wouldn’t fuck Trevor Belmont. You can’t, can you?????? At least 80% of Richard Armitage’s inherent hotness stems from his voice, and you can’t tell me there isn’t anything sexier than thinking about letting that guy loose in a recording studio and letting him say fuck. Look, Trevor may be drawn that way, but it’s the absolute stupidity coming out of his mouth in that sweet baritone that makes me want to be raw-dogged by 100% pure Romanian beef.

5. Dr. Scott White in Sleepwalker (2017) — 8/10 

Much like I had intimated when talking about Hot Danny in Berlin Station, this is Peak contemporary normie Richard Armitage styling. I honestly think The Hobbit either awakened something in him, or casting directors finally figured out he looks way good with a full beard. His crew cut even works with his whole look, which is a miracle!!!! I think he should be contractually obligated to have a full beard in all of his future roles, but that’s just me.

4. Guy of Gisbourne in Robin Hood (2006) — 8.5/10

I honestly can’t believe I’m ranking Guy so far up here, but honestly, THIS RULES!!!!!! THIS FUCKS!!!!!!!!! Which is incredible due to Guy’s lack of beard, but I’m weirdly okay with it? Like sure, he looks like he’d probably call me a slur in front of his shitty friends, but he also looks like he could tenderly pound me into the mattress in a way that would have me questioning my commitment to the “no emotions” clause of our clandestine no-strings-attached sex agreement. Anyway. Guy of Gisbourne if you see this im free thursday night. please message me back if you’re free thursday night when i am fr

3. Angus in Macbeth (1999) — 8.5/10

HHHNGHGNHNGHGN HE’S SO HOT.....!!! HE’S SO HOT!!!!! Leather jacket!!! Scruff!! Dirt!!!! Flattering beret!!!!! He’s so hot, and the worst part about this is that this was filmed in NINETEEN NINETY NINE!!!!!!!!!!!! Which means we could have always had this, had stylists and makeup artists PLAYED TO HIS STRENGTHS!!!!! He’s so hot I’m getting legitimately angry. Without scruff and dirt this man is nothing. N o t h i n g.

2. John Proctor in The Crucible (2014) — 9/10

Look, I know I have a type. But... this guy is just so hot, Daniel Day Lewis please step aside!!!! Contemporary theater historians describe John Proctor as a “strong beast of a man,” and... hhhHHOOOGH HELL YEAH!!! HELL !!!! YEAH !!!!! Like, his dick got almost his entire Puritan village, including himself, accused of witchcraft and like, looking at this guy, I kind of get it. I would probably go to war over the raw animal beauty of this horrible dirty, greasy man. Sue me, I confess. I saw Goody Osburn with the devil.

1. Thorin II Oakenshield in The Hobbit Trilogy  — 9.5/10

Come on. You knew it was going to be this guy. Look at my icon for christ’s sake. I am completely biased, I cannot look at his pictures objectively. Anyway. Thank you so much for reading, this was a very stupid list.

[evening-primroses]

I may not like Clive, but I do feel sorry for him. When he tells Maurice that Alec left, he's partially doing it because he's terrified at the thought of the man he loves leaving him. Is he trying to hurt Maurice? Yes, but it's more complex than that, IMO. And I think that goes for all the other bullshit he does, too. Does that make it RIGHT? Not at ALL. Still, dude lived a miserable life because he's too scared to be himself in a homophobic society in the early-1900s. I sympathize with that.

I get that anon, but its not right either to just minimise everything clive did and blame it on society, there's a whole bunch of stuff he does that's not things he has to do bec of the society he's in. a great example is the night before greece scene. his bf has just come to see him off and spend some time with him before he leaves, and he acts like such an asshole for no reason other than a complete dislike for maurice, which the book tells us exists

I get it, one does feel some level of sympathy for clive in the last shot, but one can do that without saying all the stuff he did was excusable, bec it wasn't. when he disliked maurice, instead of being honest about his emotions, he goaded him in the night before greece scene as if trying to start an argument. and not even that, clive's been treating maurice like he was something to be moulded in his image from day one, and then after six months of not talking after the breakup, he calls him up like omg come to my wedding btw you're the eighth person I called. like ???

and at this point, maurice is over clive, who now wants the former over all the time so he can have his heterosexual façade and privilege and the guy he still has feelings for, but maurice doesn't even feel that way anymore and it hurts him to keep coming to penge but he has to bec he has no one else he's close to. I can't even think of a time clive genuinely cared about maurice's feelings, during and after their relationship

so yeah the guy did live a miserable life and its partly bec of the society he was in. but a major part of it was bec of his own choices and I swear to you, no one would hate clive if he wasn't a bitch to maurice and a bitch in general all bec he cares about his own self. you said it yourself that he says that stuff in the last scene to hurt maurice - he can't stand seeing him happy with someone else. I agree, stuff can have complicated reasons, not everything is black and white, but its important to understand that if he does 'love' maurice, if one can call it that, its bec clive wants him around after his marriage for his beauty or whatever, not bec he actually cares about him or what he wants