#alastor: tacky piece of shit

[the-short-king-of-hell-himself]

FUCK...

It still hurts-

Literally, like- it feels like it's on hellfire and it will not stop BURNING.

I'm like- fully convinced it needs a cast or smth- I can't tell if my eyes are fucked up or there's actually blood...

source U HAVE TO WATCH THIS ONE

[the-short-king-of-hell-himself]

This stupid cat thing is taking over Tumblr now- as if Twitter wasn't enough 😭

It already tried to eat my poor duckies!

[a-hazbin-reader]

I know I already said this in the comments but I would like to officially request a spinoff oneshot (hc works too) of that pregnant reader post where Lucifer is just trying to talk to his unborn Godchild and then Alastor comes in and is like "fuck off"

If you got other stuffs going on feel free to ignore this, just shooting my shot

Welp-

Alastor X Reader Headcanons

✅️Romantic

❌️Platonic

TW: None I think??

Description: ☝️⬆️

Your pregnancy wouldn't be possible without Lucifer. Sure, you and Alastor had to do a lot of the work, but Lucifer... made it happen

So you were grateful to him and tried your best to show it, though Alastor was much less kind

Lucifer was also an experienced parent so you would come to him for advice sometimes

Which Alastor always hated, but he never stopped you

When he wasn't fighting with Alastor, then he was genuinely nice to be around, though you know Alastor did start it

When Lucifer names himself the godfather of your child, you don't see any reason to deny him that title

Alastor does though-

"All I'm saying is, we could pick someone better to be the godfather-"

"Alastor! We wouldn't have this chance without him!"

"Uh, you two know I can hear you, right?"

Regardless, you like the guy and don't mind when he starts talking to your baby bump

"Hewwo, widdle baby! Aren't you gonna be a big one~ Yes, you are~"

It is rather big for how far along you are...

You can't help but laugh and be amused at Lucifer's childish antics as he talks to your unborn child

You do gasp in surprise when your baby suddenly kicks at the sound of his voice, apparently taking a liking to the king of hell

Which of course makes Lucifer want to feel the baby kick and who are you to tell him no? Especially when he's giving you those puppy eyes

"Aren't you a strong one~? You gotta be gentle or you'll hurt your mama~"

His words DO NOT help and the kicks only get stronger, almost in warning of something-

Of course, that's when Alastor walks in, and you can practically see the vicious thoughts swirling in his head

He tuts as he comes around to rest by your side, giving your forehead a quick kiss before glaring down at Lucifer

"And just what is going on in here, my dear?"

You've got to calm your husband before he does anything crazy-

"Lucifer was talking to the baby when they suddenly started kicking, so he's trying to calm them down.."

Lucifer is still just cooing and feeling the bump, completely oblivious to the conversation around him

"Ah, I see..."

Lucifer doesn't see the piano that drops on him, Alastor suddenly standing in his place and rubbing your baby bump

"There there~ Papa is here to save you from that little nuisance~"

He starts singing a little song to the baby too, gazing at you with warm eyes as he rests his cheek on you

You'd be upset with him if him rubbing your stomach wasn't so damn soothing...actually managing to calm the baby..

You could almost fall asleep like this...

What were you so worried about again?

"YOU TACKY PIECE OF SHIT!"

...and this is where you take your leave, waddling out of the room to go find some snacks

For you 🤌

[the-short-king-of-hell-himself]

Heheheeh-

Now this would be interesting. Get to annoy the others with dad jokes!

"SEE-MORE!!!" Get it??? Cause- ACK! (Gets 🍅 to the face.) OW! Okay! OK! I'll stop!

-Bubbly💙

[musickgeek]

Shadows [Alastor x Reader]

Enemies to lovers? Warnings: Allusions to death and murder

You and Alastor can't stand each other, but your shadows beg to differ (1.1K)

~~~~~

In life, I was a mastermind of manipulation. A con woman who could sweet talk anyone into anything. I had money, I had influence, I had control. People came to me when they wanted something, but it always came with a price. For some, their lives. Some people just have no respect for the hand that feeds them. They called me the Shadower because they could always feel me watching. I had eyes and ears everywhere. It was only a matter of time before someone else got the upper hand, and shot me right between the eyes. The circumstances of my death make me so angry, I choose not to think of it much.

When I arrived in Hell, my surprise was brief. No doubt that I belonged here, but I didn't expect it all to be real. I didn't expect to have such dramatic changes in my appearance. My teeth became sharp, my eyes crocodilian, my nails became claws. I looked scary, and I liked it. Was I supposed to give my old ways up? Ha! As if. I built my empire from the ground up before, I could easily do it it again with all my knowledge. And now, I had real magic power, and I could really be a shadow. I was accompanied by a sentient shadow, a helpful friend in my business. I had a quick rise to power, becoming one amongst the Overlords.

They didn't seem to know what to make of me, and I was addicted to their intrigue and fear. Who could be next? They didn't dare cross me and find out. I didn't care much for the others besides a general sense of respect for each other's strength. But there was one, Alastor, who I could not stand. His smug smile, his stupid static voice, his ego. He always had to be the center of attention, and just couldn't stand that he was no longer the talk of the town.

"You don't even have your own gimmick."

"Just mad I do it better, Smiles?"

"Ha! Are cheap words the best you've got?"

"Ha ha, at least my words are audible. And I'm not the one with a tacky bow tie."

"Ha ha ha! I hate you."

Despite our animosity, there was one thing we could agree on. It's infuriating how much our shadow creatures love each other. The first time we'd met, our shadows bounded for each other as if they were old friends. His eyes widened in shock, but his smile never faltered. I hardly quirked my eye brows at the scene. It was like two dogs playing at the park. The red demon tilted his head at an awkward angle as he inspected me. "My, my! What a playful friend you have. You must be the new arrival everyone is just buzzing about. I am Alastor, the Radio Demon. I'm sure you've heard of me." He introduced, offering his hand. "Not in the slightest." I said, shaking it. His eye twitched, but his smile widened.

Ever since then, at every meeting, we had to pretend our shadows didn't fly together like magnets. It almost would be amusing if it weren't attached to that piece of shit. I simply don't understand it. Is it comfort in knowing there is another like them? Or is it all just a game to piss us off further? It's hard to tell. Sometimes it seems like they don't notice anyone else in the room, but sometimes they seem like they're sat together, gossiping about us like old ladies. Every time we left each other's presence, they seemed to reach for each other, not wanting to be torn apart. I have no idea if Alastor has noticed it. That would require him to have half a brain.

One night I decided to go to a speakeasy I frequent. I sat at the bar alone, but I could feel the fearful eyes on me. I smile behind my drink. I thought tonight was going to be a good night, but I was wrong. I didn't even know Radio Boy was around until I felt my shadow slipping away. They were dancing freely to the upbeat swing music, having the time of their lives. I scowl, and flag the bar tender for another drink. Maybe if I turn around, I can pretend it's not happening. Alas, the radio static fills the room, overlaying the music. I feel a presence behind me, but I already know who it is. "Alastor." I say, still facing away. "Why (Y/n), I never expected you to have enough class to visit to such an establishment."

"You came all the way over just to say that? You must be more obsessed with me then I thought." I say calmly, refusing to give him the satisfaction of me turning towards him. I can feel the comment burning up inside him. I smirk. "I could say the same. It's almost as if you were following me. You must admit, this does seem more my style." Finally I turn around with a shrug. "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."

His eyes narrow. "An interesting turn of phrase." Our shadows join us, seemingly swirling around people us excitedly. My shadow forces me out of my seat. My glass falls to the floor, shattering, and my body collides with the deer. "Watch it!" I growl at the two incorporeal beings. Alastor seems just as angry, his static getting louder and his limbs growing. I hiss with hostility at the act, letting my claws out. In the blink of an eye he returns to normal. "Coward?" I ask. "No. I simply came here for a relaxing night, not a fight. I can't be ruining my favorite place after all." I notice the bar has mostly cleared out save the employees and musicians. When it looks like two Overlords are about to have a turf war, you don't want to be around if you're the little guy.

The shadows begin dancing along the walls as the music returns. "Hm. Perhaps we should follow their lead." Alastor suggests, holding a hand out in a gentlemanly fashion. "What's your play?" I ask skeptically. "I'm simply suggesting to have a little fun amongst our banter. After all, it's been awhile since I've had a worthy dance partner." I smile coyly at his words, and take his hand. "Alright, but I think this proves who's obsessed with who."

"Keep dreaming, my dear." He says, twirling me to the beat. "Are you sure you can keep up with me?" I ask, matching his rhythmic kicks and skips. "Don't forget who grew up doing this. You don't know everything." For once, our words aren't laced with so much hostility. I guess tonight will be a good night after all.

[revelingrexan]

ABOUT LUCIFER CUSSING

i found something that surprised me and that i think other fans will find interesting

TL;DR - from what we have so far, Hazbin's Lucifer doesn't swear much. cussing just isn't his favored way of showing surprise, disgust, or whatever else someone might swear for. altho, he will swear if he's (1) trying to look cool, (2) interacting with someone he's especially irritated or upset by, (3) VERY surprised and/or disgusted, or (4) singing in harmony with other characters lol.

____

LONGER VERSION: an interesting aspect of Hazbin's version of Lucifer is he's still very much an angel in his personality and mannerisms. he's spent many millennia in Hell, though, and has grown jaded and callous about many things. but that angel part is still there, is how i interpret his comparatively rare swearing and his goofy substitutions ("Oh my golly" and "Whoopie! Bye-bye!" being the most notably silly, which i love)

and here's my data set lol. from both episodes 5 and 8

if you don't count his uses of "Hell" when solely referring to the location (e.g. "The big boss of Hell himself!") or God as swears, then of his nine swears, five of them are to Alastor or Adam (four to Adam), and two of them are in the final song (one just an exclamation and the other with him singing in harmony with other characters)

the "other exclamations" sections are pretty loose; those are times other characters might use a swear or might use words or actions (e.g. flipping someone off) that essentially function as swears

i don't know if this character observation and my "four reasons he might swear" will hold water in season 2 (more data points!! heeheehehehe), but, even though Vivziepop frequently gets criticized for all the swearing in her shows, she does seem thoughtful about giving characters swearing "styles," so i wouldn't be surprised if this was purposeful and will mostly stay in place

[screenshots transcribed to text under the cut]

episode 5 cusses

HEEEY BIIIIIIITCH

oH! What in the uN. HOLY. HELL. IS THAT?

OH YOU TACKY PIECE OF-- ((interesting. finally noticed his mouth is animated for the cut off "shit"))

other exclamations

Oh, who am I kidding? This SUCKS!

Daughter? DAUGHTER! DAUGHTER CALLING!? /OH!/

Abso-LUTEly!

Oh my golly!

(chuckles) Alright then. >:3c

Hold on now!

Whoopie! Bye-bye!

Alright, I mean, look.

Huh-HO boy!

(VIOLENT WHEEZE) ((on balcony))

CHARLIE! (EXHALE) YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

(COUGHED DISTRESSED WHEEZE)

(long sad exhale)

episode 8 cusses

...and now, I am going to FUCK you!

Nice try, douchebag.

You're in MY house, BITCH!

How's mercy taste, you little bitch?

🎵 HELL, you owe it!! 🎵

🎵 And then tomorrow it will be a fucking happy day in hell~ 🎵

other exclamations

Wait, what did I say?

(rapid entertained laughs)

Wuh-oh! :)

Whoa! :) Missed me! Not even close.

(frog blink)

Take your little friends... 🔥🔥AND GO HOME!!🔥🔥 Please. :3

Sooo... who's up for pancakes?

By God, Charlie! ❤️

Augh, this guy.

[hazbeans-for-thee]

Things about Lucifer that the entire fandom seems to have decided to be universal truths and honestly I can't agree more

Calls Alastor Bambi

Likes the smell of cinnamon

Has horrible bedhead when first waking up

Always working on ducks in his free time. Always. Very little exceptions.

Regularly calling Charlie "Char-Char"

Regularly calling Alastor a "tacky piece of shit"

Master of eating pussy

[the-short-king-of-hell-himself]

*Traumatized gasp*

he just wanted to start a convo :(

This was a stupid joke in my head, I'm so cringe

[amusingmusie]

After seeing the non-canon demon interactions of Nel and Al in your god blessed writing. I can only imagine the mischief Nel would get up to after realising she can use Lucifer to her advance to get back at Al.

The chaos, I can see it now.

THIS IS FOR FUN ONLY AND NOT CANON TO YOURS TRULY

An Apple a Day

Lucifer motherfucking Morningstar is in the hotel. Nel is fighting not to stress smoke or shit her suit pants.

She cannot fuck up in front of this guy. Not fucking up is decently easy. She’s made plenty of mistakes- some of which landed her here in this inferno of eternal torment- but she’s also made plenty of sound choices, like huddling away in a corner of the lobby as she watches Lucifer occupy himself with rambling about the intricacies of crafting rubber ducks to his daughter and her girlfriend.

Because peace is never an option, a chill washes over her and static tingles dance on her skin- it's the only warning she receives of the incoming suffering.

Alastor materializes at her side with a crackling hum, one elbow propped up to rest on her head while the other grips his microphone. Nel doesn’t even flinch.

“Hello, my Negative Nelly! What are you doing skulking around this cobwebbed corner? You’re missing out on all of today’s grand fun!”

“The fun of you ribbing the big cheese of Hell, you mean,” she snaps, sticking out a finger to jab him in his ribs. “Cut that shit out. You’re playing with hellfire.”

Alastor drops into the floor before reforming on her opposite side, his other elbow weighing down on her skull.

“Jealous? Don’t be! My disdain for him could never compare to the special contempt we share.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“I speak from the heart.”

“You don’t have one.”

“Oh, my sweet, you wound me!”

His dramatics grate on the single nerve of Nel’s that his hoofed feet haven’t trampled already. At this rate, he threatens to draw attention to them, and by proxy her, and she is not going to have Lucifer associate her with the jackass like everyone else in this ratty hotel already does.

She’s going nuclear.

“Allie,” she coos, placing her hand over his upon his staff, “I heard all that mess earlier with you and Charlie. If you wanted to have a daughter so badly, all you ever had to do was ask me.” 

There’s a harsh, sharp pitch in radio waves while Alastor’s gray face twists into one of pure, utter, absolute mortification. The beanpole sinks down into his shadow on the musty carpet and darts away, becoming nothing more than a black mass fleeing to his radio tower.

Ah, she’s still got it. 

A very pleased snicker catches her attention, and she snaps her head to the side, coming face to face with the devil she’d been trying to avoid all day. Mortified, she stammers over herself, staring up at Lucifer who’s beaming so widely that his red cheeks are pressing upwards into his eyeballs.

“Oh Jesus Christ- shit, no, not him- Your Majesty, I am so sorry you had to see that. Look-”

He holds out one hand to silence her. Nel brushes aside the indignation of being told what to do by a man and falls silent. 

Then, he bends over and giggles.

“Are you kidding?” Lucifer wipes away a few tears threatening to fall down his rosy cheeks as he keels over cackling. “Oh, oh, oh! Woo! You! Ah, sweet Eden, that was incredible, phenomenal, fantastic! Way to stick it to that tacky piece of crap! Keep up the good work, uh-?”

“Penelope, sir. Or, uh, Nel. Nelly.”

“Keep up the good work, Nancy!” he chirps with a wink, clapping a hand onto her shoulder.

She blanches. “It’s Nelly.”

“That’s what I said! That’s what I said, right? What did I say?” 

Awkward tension settles between them. One of her yellow eyes twitches.

After the brief pause, a mischievous grin slithers onto the king’s bone white face. “Well, Mel, if you ever find yourself in need of some assistance with that halitosis-ridden bellhop, don’t be a stranger!”

“...You don’t say?”

“Mhm! Now..." he leans in close to her, deathly serious, and Nel begins to fear that she's done something terribly wrong. "How do you feel about rubber ducks?”

Oh. Huh.

Maybe she does have an ally here after all.

[lucifer-misadventures-au]

SPOILER WARNING FOR THE REAL THING AS THIS IS A GAG AND NONCONON VERSION

Alastor: Why are you so eager to go in those pathetic Vees' tacky home?

Alden(Human Alastor): I'm curious about those so called "Vees" *glares* but mostly I'm looking for my brother... *Knocks the door open* Victor!!!

*The scene catches Vox and Velvette holding Vox's human self who was tied in a rope*

Victor(Human Vox): Alden?!

Alastor: You know him?!

Alden(Human Alastor): Do I know him? That's our brother, fuck face! *Glares before seeing Victor biting his sharp canine like teeth hard onto a screaming Valentino's arm while the other Vees were trying to restrain him*... And he's all grown up *tears up*

Victor(Human Vox): *Rips a piece of Valentino's skin before spitting it out while Valentino's still screaming in pain and horror* Blegh! Taste like shit! Worse than the human flesh Al hid in my gumbo as a prank!

Vox: Uurrgh!!! Must you bring that up now?! In front of that asshole of a brother of ours who is also our now enemy no less?!

Alastor: *Went silent as he was contemplating somethings before he saw a menacing glare from his alive self*

Alden(Human Alastor): What did he mean by "Now Enemy"?

Alastor: Fuck...

(Alastor and Vox as brothers were very close despite the large age gap between them when they were alive, he's also fiercely protective over Vox as they both were victims of abuse from their shared father, also Human Alastor hates Current Alastor for how he behaves and how he reminds so much that asshole of a father and he is going to hate so much more when he finds out about Current Vox and Alastor's fallout)

[ironborealis]

Blooding Rite 1/1

The first time Alastor sees a man die, he's surprised.

He'll laugh himself sick much later at the very concept of being surprised at someone dying in a trench, on the front lines of the battlefield, in the middle of what the newspapers are starting to call 'The War to End All Wars'.

Not now though, as he stares at the bloodied remains Lt. James' jaw, hanging off his face as he stumbles back from the radio, his headset miraculously still attached, pulling the entire damned radio down on top of him as he collapses.

Lt. James, from Cincinnati, who moments earlier had been shouting that Alastor best be prepared to go over the top with the antenna, because their reception is absolute dog shit down here what with it pissing rain.

His mind is focused on how this scenario doesn't make sense: He's halfway out of the trench waving a metal baton in the air, desperately searching for a signal, while only James' head is visible -- how did James end up catching the bullet and not him?

There will be time to ponder later about the fickle proclivities of Death, but in the moment he's far too distracted about being tackled down into the trench himself by a blur of gray wool.

Animal instincts take over as soon as his back hits the dirt. Even with the wind knocked out him he's biting, clawing, kicking at the fucking Gerry on top of him. He can feel the kiss of the knife's blade against his palms and forearms as he struggles to protect the softest parts of himself, when he's not being clobbered over the face with the butt of a pistol.

The first time Alastor kills a man is only a few breaths later when he manages to get his own pistol out of the holster and blindly aim for the bastard's temple.

He hits his mark. The Gerry's body sags down on top of him, pushing him deeper into the mud. He's taking large, open-mouthed gasps of air, like a stunned fish out of the water -- at least until the gore coating face starts dripping into his mouth. That returns him to reality in a real jiffy.

He shoves the body off of him, rolling into a crouch as he swipes at his face with his sleeve in a futile effort to clean it. Tries to listen between the thunderous beat of his heart to what is going on around him.

Battle -- gunshots and screaming -- close but not too close, not near enough to him to panic. When he can stand, a quick glance over the top reveals no more Gerries waiting to pounce in the clearing fog, and he can hear his heartbeat start to quiet.

On impulse he pries the Gerry's pistol from his hand, and checks the cartridge.

Empty. Last bullet for Lt. James.

Makes sense, he supposes -- kill the radio operator, cut off communications, then kill the damned fool playing flag pole...

Better luck next time, old chum.

He tosses the pistol down as the sounds of the radio start to filter into his ears.

The radio is still working, that's good.

He pulls the antenna out of the muck and stumbles towards the operator's desk.

Stabs the antenna into the soft dirt on top of the trench.

Rights the operator's desk.

Hauls the radio back onto the desk as gently as he can considering how heavy it is.

Checks his sightlines for any imminent enemy incursions; finds none.

Hauls Lt. James' corpse to lie to one side of the desk.

Reconnects the cable connecting the battery cell to the antenna.

Pulls on the headset.

Ignores the tacky-wet sensation as the ear piece drags across his cheek.

Takes a deep breath.

Remembers that the northerners back at base camp will not understand him unless he talks in that flat, nasal accent they taught him back in special training.

Turns the microphone on and reports in.

"Ni-yen Too Easy, Report. Ni-yen Too Easy, Report." Base command replies.

Microphone's broken. Well fuck.

He slams the headset down in frustration, only for a loud squawk to emanate from the ear pieces.

"Ni-yen Too Easy, was that you?"

Microphone's only mostly broken then... He can work with that.

Pulls back on headphones.

Still ignores the tacky-wet sensation on his cheek.

Uses his pocket knife to start tapping out a message in Morse code on the mouthpiece of the headset.

"Copy that, Ni-yen Too Easy. Gerries sighted on the Eastern flank."

Well, no shit.

He can hear the battle drawing closer.

It takes twelve hours before Alastor finally receives the order to retreat to hand off to the runner to give to command. There's no other signalman close enough to lend him a spare headset, let alone relieve him from his post for as much as a piss break.

Twelve hours tapping out updates and confirmations in the alphabet he learned at his mother's knee, hiding under her desk as she worked.

None of them know Morse code like he does anyway.

By the time he's loaded up the radio and jumped into the back of the transport truck his head is throbbing with the mother of all headaches. His ears feel like they're bleeding. He does his best to hide the trembling in his limbs.

It takes hours to get back to base, and even though he's dead on his feet, he's more ravenous than tired, and lines up outside the canteen.

In a few days, once the casualties are accounted for and word spreads from the signal battalion about his field improvisation skills, they'll start calling him 'Radio Demon' because only someone in league with the Devil himself would have decided to stay in that hellhole, at his post for as long as he had, instead of retreating somewhere safer.

They make it sound like some altruistic act for his "brothers" -- in truth, he hadn't been thinking clearly enough to even realize that retreat was an option. If he had, he would have booked it as fast as possible away from the front line.

Tonight, though, the Radio Demon is rewarded for his heroism with a plate of congealed chipped beef on soggy toast and directed towards some damp benches, sitting out in the rain. The storm's onslaught has taken down one of the base's two mess tents, and Command cannot abide the idea of white officers having to eat with colored officers.

Only the finest for all these brave men dying on the front lines after all.

[the-short-king-of-hell-himself]

And you all wonder why I hate this fucker...

Lucifer: *enters the hotel*

Alastor: I cast vicious mockery 😈

An animation my sis and I made for fun

Music is Perception Check by Tom Cardy.

[roseshewrites]

A GOLDEN PIECE OF YOU

Slowburn RadioApple

Chapter 1: Reminiscing

There was a time during the 90's when Charlie's dad brought home every available VHS he could find Upstairs. His visits to planet earth were frequent, for an angel. Maybe three every decade or so, just to see what new things the humans were up to.

One year he brought with him an entire box of Disney tapes. There was everything in it from Peter Pan, to Cinderella, to The Little Mermaid.

She remembered standing on his feet as they swayed around the room to Cinderella's song, his deep voice singing along quietly with the movie.

So this is love, so this is love...so this is what makes life divine...

She would giggle and clutch his hands as he turned silly and goose-walked them around the room, chuckling as her giggle turned into shrieks of laughter as he swept her up and swung her in circles.

"That's my little princess!"

He placed a barrage of wet, juicy kisses on her cheek while she squirmed and pushed at him crying, "Daddy, GROOOOSS!"

Her dad set tiny Charlie down, and Charlie, wired entirely up from the playful atmosphere, immediately got the zoomies through the house much to her mother's dismay as Lilith called from a distant room,

"Lucifer are you serious right now?? It's her bedtime! Oh for heaven's sake!"

°

"Watcha got there, honey?"

"Oh! Vaggie, hi."

Charlie was startled out of her memories, but was still smiling. She turned to show her girlfriend the book she had laid open in her lap.

"Just an old photo album. Wanna see?"

"Sure."

Vaggie sprawled on the sofa next to her and curled up with her chin resting on Charlie's shoulder, examining the photographs.

 

"You were seriously adorable as a baby. I can't believe I've never seen these before."

"Yeah," Charlie said, flipping a page, "Dad brought them when he moved in last week."

"You were naked in that one! Oh, how tacky," Vaggie snorted, pointing at the rubber ducky in the picture that was placed JUST SO over little baby Charlie's private area.

"Oh nooooo,! Eugh!!"

Charlie shuffled pages away randomly, blushing high up to her ears as if her girlfriend hadn't been way up in her adult private area the night before.

"I want a framed copy of it. Right now. And of that one."

It was a picture of sullen, frowning Charlie deep in the throes of teenage angst, a streak of straightened black hair hanging artfully over one eye.

Before Charlie could snap the book shut and declare that picture time was definitely OVER, a series of random shrieks and bellows met their ears from a slight distance away. Charlie recognized her dad's deep voice, and some Angel-isms in there like "Acting like a cracked-out psycho" and "If you're gonna yell at me, do it in bed, Daddy!"

All of this punctuated by Alastor losing his entire shit cackling over the sound of Lucifer's angry, booming voice.

"Think we should see what's going on?" Vaggie finally asked as a door slammed shut and the noise died down.

"Maybe. I don't know. Dad's on his..."

"His? .. Vaggie raised her eyebrows expectantly.

"You know, his uh monthlies."

"Your dad has....wait a minute, your father menstruates?"

Charlie, obviously flustered, nodded and was muttering something about hermaphrodites when Angel sauntered in.

"If he asks, you didn't see me."

"Angel," Vaggie said, "What the fuck happened?"

The spider flopped down onto the couch like it was a therapist session and peeped at the doorway before hunkering down again, his head in Vaggie's lap who glared at him, "do you mind?"

"Not at all," he grinned toothily, "Anyway here's the short and skinny: Alastor's new cat peed on the king of hell's shoes and just watched it happen. Didn't do nuthin' to stop it, either. So I told the king to change his boots and his tampon while he was at it, and he went BERSERK. I don't think my ears will ever recovah."

Vaggie, definitely against her will, started snorting, and Charlie shot her a dirty look.

"Hey! Demonic periods are no joke, Vaggie! They hurt! A lot! You know this. And Angel, I wouldn't have appreciated that tampon comment, either."

Angel was slack-mouthed, seeming to put two and two together, his eyes doing invisible math.

"So wait- your dad-"

"He'sTheOriginalHermaphroditeAndNoIWillNotBeTakingMoreQuestionsAtThisTime!!!" - Charlie opted to cover her ears and squeal over both Vaggie and Angel's objections.

Angel said, "So he can-"

"NOPE."

"Can he get himself pregna-"

"LALALALALA, NOT DISCUSSING MY FATHER'S GENITALIA WITH YOU, THANK YOOOU"

"Oh, my. I seem to have come in at the wrong time," a radio static infested voice came from the open doorway.

Charlie eep'd and covered her mouth, staring at Alastor like if she stood absolutely still, she could just rewind her previous words like a movie.

"Honey," Vaggie said, "Sweetie your face is like beet. Red."

Charlie finally came to her senses.

"That's enough out of you all," she snapped, "Angel, go apologize to my dad, please."

-"Oh hell nah, his mood ain't passed the vibe check yet"-

"Alastor-" She looked to the tall radio demon, "Your cat needs a litter box. And you-"

She glared at Vaggie, "you're grounded."

"I'm your girlfriend-"

"GROUNDED."

With that, she stomped off and away, past the well-dressed demon who currently looked as if Christmas had come early, and yelled, "And if anyone needs me, I'll be in my dad's room because he's apparently the last sane person around here!!"

......

..."Should I ask?" Alastor broke the silence, his static crackling with his lightning amusement.

"Yeah. I think their periods are synced," Vaggie groaned, sinking back into the couch.

"We're fucked," Angel said cheerfully.

[dallina17]

Alastor and Emily headcanons?

The summary of their relationship is: Lucifer adopted you so I am going to adopt you too

Okey, not that extreme but something around that line lmao.

At the beggining, when Emily still didn't fall but came to the hotel from time to time, she called Lucifer "uncle Luci" (because she is basically Michael's daughter). But the problem was that, the first time she came to the hotel, she saw Alastor and Lucifer fighting and being... very close, mistook them for a couple and called Alastor "uncle Al"

Eventually they explained her that Alastor and Lucifer were not a thing, they just liked to bicker. But Emily liked calling Alastor "uncle" so she asked to him if she could keep calling her that. Alastor thought it was kinda strange, and didn't know how to react, but he ended up saying yes and eventually started to like being called "uncle". He would often tease Lucifer saying "you are her uncle by birth, but I am her uncle BY CHOICE, she likes ME more". Is not enough they fight for Charlie's attention, they have to fight for Emily's too.

Still, Alastor wouldn't get too involved with Emily at first. He tries to be on her good side and see what advantage he can get from their relationship in order to achieve his plans. He is very kind and polite to her. And, even thou she is more powerful than him, he is not as bothered with it (not as he is bothered with Lucifer, for example). He treats her like he treats Charlie, kinder even, and less manipulative because she is not a main part of his plans (yet).

They get closer when Emily falls and starts living in the hotel. By this point, Alastor secretly cares about her (because he will never admit it the tacky piece of shit), so he tries to cheer her up in any way he cans. It's not only because he fights with Lucifer for her attention, he truly believes such a sweet young girl like Emily should show a beautiful smile.

But he stills will fight a lot with Lucifer for Emily's custody (even thou he doesn't really sees her as a daughter he only likes to annoy Lucifer), trying to impress her with magic and demon tricks and Emily would have so much fun with it, but would be like "you know that I could never choose between you two right". And they KNOW but they still like to bicker.

Alastor loves to cook Jambalaya for the hotel, but Emily would be the first person, aside from Rosie, that Alastor teaches how to make the dish. Is very special to him, because of his mom, but if there is anyone who deserves to know the recipe, is Emily. And that makes her so happy. She is a very good student, pacient and kind, so Alastor enjoys teaching her. Not just the Jambalaya, but other recipes he knows.

Still... He is less enthusiastic to participate in other activities that Emily engages suddenly with. Like, gardening and making ceramic was okay and he liked to do them with her. But when she gets obssesed when practicing making other's people hair, make up and learning magic, he dissapears in his shadows before Emily can make him his victim (maybe Alastor would be more willing to participate if Angel who tends to make everything chaotic wasn't involved. But just maybe)

Still, the times they bond the most is at night, when Emily can't sleep because of nightmares. Alastor usually doesn't sleep either, at least not that much, so they are basically the only ones awake at dawn (sometimes Husk and Angel too, but not that usual like Alastor) and spend that time together.

The first times, Emily and Alastor just talked about anything, more Emily than Alastor of course. She told him about Heaven, her childhood. About Sera, Michael and her unrequited love for Lute as well as her conflicted feelings about him. About her work, and the parties she did. About the angels, and some stories she has heard of from human souls while in Heaven. About her peculiar birth. And he patiently listen.

He was more careful about the things he told her. He isn't someone that likes to share a lot about him, even less when it's about his life, so he told her more about Earth itself than his life. He told her about New Orleans, and the food, the music, about radio and how was the life generally for everyone there. He sometimes told her about his mother, and his work as a radio host, but not su much more. Most of the times, Alastor telled Emily stories about hell, what he had seen through all his years.

Everytime Emily would listen attentively to him, and sometimes she felt asleep. Whenever Emily did that, Alastor used his shadows to transport her to her bed, so that she is comfortable.

Eventually, Emily would learn that Alastor likes playing piano. She is very skilled at piano too, so at night, they would play piano together. Emily would teach Alastor her songs, and viceversa

Hanging so much with her will make him be even more on crisis about if he is getting too attached to the hotel. Emily doesn't make him participate in the hotel's activities, but she has a way of integrating everyone that he can't help but get more attached to the hotel. Emily and Charlie have a way of getting everyone together

He is not overprotective with her, like he is not behind her back 24/7 to see how she is doing, where she is going, if she is okay. If they hang out together, we would have an eye on her, but he would for sure not be that proctetive and keep her out of trouble (like Angel does). He knows that if she were to have problems, she could defend herself so he is not super worried. He is not super part of the Emily protection squad 😅

But, if Emily were to be in real danger, Alastor would be one of the first people to defend her and kill the fucker. But like, in a life/death situation. Other than that, he is confident than Emily can take care of herself.

Alastor and Emily are the team "excuse me, that sexuality/gender identity exists?" Like, they have so much to learn about the LGBTQ+ community

They are also part of the "why people are so obsessed with kissing and flirting". They are basically aces in the hole.

But remember that Emily is demisexual, so Alastor would be so confused when she starts dating Velvette because, with how hard it was to him understand asexuality, now it turns out that someone can love and date somebody and still be in the ace spectrum. But he would support Emily's decision even thou he doesn't understand.

And he would absolutely threat Vox and Valentino to kill them, were they try to stop Velvette from dating Emily

And yes, he would also fight with Lucifer for who ships Angelic Vogue the most. Even thou he is not into romance, he sees that Emily is happy with Velvette and that sweet girl should never stop smiling

And that would be all! They are a strange family, and I think Alastor never expected to basically adopt a seraph/fallen angel, but he is happy about it even thou he would die before admit it. And Emily loves Al a lot. He is her family, and she would do anything for him. Ty for the ask!

[tacotune]

"The Grip of Desperation" chapter 1 snippets

"Not even going to say sorry?" With crossed arms and booming authority, the monarch addresses the red demon like he is a stubborn, uneducated child. His tone shows as much, and Lucifer basks in the minuscule satisfaction of watching Alastor halt with an annoyed twitch of the ear.

[ . . . ]

The King of Hell begins making unpleasant faces when the staring contest grows old. Twitching his eyes and furrowing his eyebrows in an attempt to throw silent insults.

Tacky weirdo.

Putrid blood stain.

Eye sore.

Fucking asshole fucking piece of shit fucking-

He hopes the creep can interpret it. Bonus points if he assumes worse. Anything to see that humourless grin drop.