#alas as an american i do not get to celebrate boxing day

[10yearsofdnp]

December 26, 2014: Happy Boxing Day from Phil! 📦🥊💥

[artificialqueens]

Waspy (Jinkx/DeLa) - Divine

A/N: Hello everyone! This is a fic based on one of the numbers in Return of the Jinkx and DeLa Holiday Show Live! In which DeLa sings about WASP Culture ( White Anglo-Saxon Protestants or WASPs are the white American Protestant elite, typically of British descent. WASP elites have dominated American society, culture, and politics for most of the history of the United States.) Obviously Jinkx finds this to be ridiculous. Jinkx doesn't celebrate the holidays so DeLa takes it upon herself to bring her girlfriend along with her back home, to share how her family celebrates Christmas. TW: offensive language (D-slur), religious trauma

****

It was that time of year again, the holidays. Jinkx and DeLa had been together for a little over four years, and in three of those years Jinkx and DeLa had celebrated or at least attempted to celebrate, Christmas at home. It was no secret that Jinkx loathed the holiday. As a pagan who grew up having horrible Christmases due to poor family communication skills– food fights weren’t as fun as they may seem once you reach a certain age– needless to say, she dreaded December as a whole.

DeLa on the other hand, couldn’t be more excited. She started decorating the night of Thanksgiving. Jinkx already didn’t like having her girlfriend fill her home to the brim with tacky jolly decor; she certainly wasn’t a fan of the raised electric bill either, but alas, she loved seeing DeLa light up as she admired her work setting up all these festive lights and such.

“DeLa please, I already let you decorate my house, now you’re going to make me listen to the Jingle Dogs... again?” Jinkx questions, staring at the vinyl in disgust, she couldn’t believe they actually put it out on vinyl, and she wasn’t very happy to see that DeLa's mother got it for her for Christmas last year either.

“Of course silly! It’s not the holidays without em!” She giggles. “Jingle bells is my favorite!”

“Trust me, I think I figured that out.” She mumbled, walking over to the shorter woman who was bedazzling a corset whilst moving her head to the song. “Darling, it's December 15th..this has been going on since November 25th, can we at least listen to some other kind of Christmas music?”

“Well of course! There’s Jingle Cats too!” DeLa says, reaching for her phone to get on Spotify.

“No! Forget I said anything, okay? Next Sunday it’ll all be over and we can take all this down and have a normal New Years, yeah? We have a show, it'll be perfect!” Jinkx smiled.

“Oh! Dink, sweetie, that reminds me of something I've been meaning to ask you!” DeLa closed her box of Swarovski crystals.

“Yes?”

“I kinda maybe .. told my family we’d go to their house for Christmas this year!” DeLa smiles guiltily.

“DeLa, I love you so very much. I really do.. but I think I’d rather dry hump a mall Santa rather than go to your family’s house.” The ginger states before grabbing a blunt.

“Oh come on! It won’t be that bad!” DeLa pleads.

“Baby, I don’t know if I want to spend my time there. I mean that in a very respectful way. Any time they’ve acknowledged me is only to make snarky comments about my career or ask if my hair is naturally ginger.”

“I know they’re hard to get along with, but look at it like this! Nana is dead so she can’t make any homophobic comments, the Andersons aren’t as young anymore, and everyone will be in the holiday spirit!” DeLa smiles.

Jinkx groaned and looked into her girlfriend’s eyes, she did look really excited, and she knew her family was already thinking that she was keeping DeLa away from them, so what harm could it really do to spend a few days in New England? Regardless of how much she despised Connecticut. She decided that getting over it for a week would be fine.

“Alright, if you really want to go.. We can.” Jinkx smiles a little. DeLa’s eyes lit up.

“Oh Dink! You’re the best! I can’t wait for you to see how my family celebrates the holidays!” She giggles and claps before hopping up to give Jinkx a kiss.

Jinkx smiles, pulling her closer, humming into the kiss before pulling back. She knew next week was going to be hell, but she’d try not to complain for DeLa’s sake.

The rest of the week was spent preparing for their trip. DeLa had already let her family know the two of them were coming, so there was no turning back at this point. DeLa thankfully had already bought her family gifts, signed from both of them. Partially because Jinkx had no idea what her family liked, and probably couldn’t afford half the stuff they did. It was no secret that her family was very materialistic, they grew up wealthy, and are still very wealthy. It was one of the reasons why she stayed away, she wasn’t used to having a wealthy family that were, well, nice to each other. Of course she was sure that there was some sort of family tension that just no one talked about, they still had more manners and her family did.

Jinkx could still recall the day that she brought DeLa home to meet her family. On the bright side, no one was homophobic— they couldn’t be bothered enough to care about anyone but themselves to be— they were just their rude and inappropriate selves. It was normal for them, Jinkx knew that, which is why she was so hesitant to bring her wealthy, well-mannered, yet somehow slightly immature and very uneducated girlfriend to meet them.

In DeLa's defense it wasn’t that she was uneducated, it was more that she was so blinded by religion that she just ignored all logic. Or at least that’s what Jinkx told herself. Which brings her to another thing that she wasn’t looking forward to, the religion. She knew how religious DeLa’s family was after the first date with her, as soon as she offered to say grace before dinner, she knew that it could go one of two ways, she accidentally offended the pretty lady, or they somehow made it work by just not mentioning religion at all. Miraculously there was another way it could go, which is that they argue about religion all the time, but somehow always find some sort of middle ground— to an extent, but if it meant that she could continue her relationship with DeLa, she’d take it, even if it meant not being able to have sex.

After their friend Ruby had dropped them off at the airport, they spent some time preparing, mentally, emotionally, for Jinkx spiritually. Of course DeLa loved her family, and Christmas wouldn’t be the same without Nana, she knew that this was for the best and it would be super fun regardless. She also neglected to tell Jinkx that her crazy aunt, who the ginger had only heard stories about, was coming over as well. She always came around Christmas time aside from Thanksgiving. The family loved her, she just didn’t show that same energy.

“Now listen, we’ll be staying at my parent’s house, it’ll just be easier. Less money, less traveling, and most of the activities are there anyways, so it just gets a lot of the stuff out of the way by just already being there. If my sister shows up she will be staying there as well, though she hasn’t showed up for Christmas since she was 17… as soon as she was of age she moved to Chicago and never looked back, she sends Christmas cards and gifts though!” DeLa explained.

“We just saw your sister last Halloween, she did that whole mummy thing, she said she was going to be at Christmas.” Jinkx reminds her.

“She always says that. You know what, I like that energy. Who knows, maybe this is the year that she decides to show up!” If DeLa wasn’t such a bimbo Jinkx wouldn’t be able to tell if she was being sarcastic or not, but she knew she was being serious.

Not too long after their flight was called, the flight from Seattle to Connecticut was a long one and it was already 8am, they wouldn’t get there until around 1 in the afternoon. Neither of them had a problem with long flights, DeLa was used to them, growing up going on extravagant vacations to France or Italy meant being on planes for long periods of time. Jinkx just thought they were peaceful, what must fear people usually feel when flying so high above the ground, Jinkx that it was nice to be away from people, especially since DeLa’s always got first class for them.

When the two of them first got together a lot of people thought that Jinkx was taking advantage of DeLa money or that DeLa was some sort of sugar mama. Neither of those things were true. When Jinkx first met DeLa they were at work, their burlesque dancers, their job is to look rich. She just thought that she was like any other dancer, She had no idea those rhinestones were real crystals. Not to mention, she had no idea how religious she was, she’s a burlesque dancer for fucks sake! It wasn’t until their first date when DeLa offered to fly them out of state for dinner but she realized just how fancy and rich she was. She didn’t act it, she wasn’t snooty or judgmental. She loved everyone and was so sweet and kind, she had her moments of materialism and just not understanding that everyone can’t afford certain things, but it was just how she was raised. You can only imagine how shocked Jinkx was whenever DeLa started talking about how she had no idea how unwed women could get pregnant.

When their flight landed Jinkx was exhausted, she didn’t sleep, but DeLa had crashed on her shoulder around two hours in. She wasn’t sure if she could deal with any of DeLa’s family‘s bullshit until she at least had a 30 minute nap, but she didn’t see that happening. DeLa’s family was so formal. There’s no telling what they had planned on the daily for December, not to mention the week of Christmas.

The couple made their way out of the terminal and waited for DeLa’s father to come pick them up, it was hard to miss him. A white Tesla pulled up in front of them, Jinkx turned to DeLa who simply smiled in return. She said a little to herself as the trunk opened, she always knew that DeLa’s father wasn’t a huge fan of his daughter being a lesbian, he most definitely wasn’t a fan of his daughter dating a witch who also happens to be a stoner and a burlesque dancer, who didn’t have money to burn. Of course he didn’t know that she was a stoner or witch, it wouldn’t take much to really figure it out. DeLa opened the back door of the car and climbed inside, followed by Jinkx who stayed quiet as she closed the door. Then it hit her, the one thing that made her stomach turn, of course it was supposed to be lighthearted and wholesome because DeLa was completely oblivious to anything in the BDSM and kink world, even though she was a burlesque dancer.

“Hi daddy!” She squeals from the backseat. Anytime DeLa talked to her father it made Jinkx feel bad about herself, was she really so corrupted that someone calling their actual father daddy disgusted her to such a great extent?

“Hi baby, it’s great to see you again, hello Jinkx.” He smiles at his daughter, it fades as he looks toward the redhead.

“Hello, Mr. Creme.” She greeted him with a nod before looking out the window. DeLa noticed her discomfort and rested a supportive hand on her thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze.

This was not the time to be thinking sexual thoughts, but she couldn’t help it. Abstinence takes it’s toll, nearly anything this woman did she thought of it in a sexual way, but she didn’t wanna pressure her into something that she wasn’t comfortable with, even if it was just because of religion, a religion that she was almost against at this point. She rests her hand on top of DeLa’s and continues to stare out the window as he drives to her parent’s house.

One car ride and five Christmas songs later they finally arrived, Jinkx was tempted to spam her head through the window, but decided she should at least wait until dinner before causing herself a head injury. Upon entering the house DeLa’s mother, Varla, was ready to smother them both with kisses. Jinkx did enjoy DeLa’s mom, a past burlesque dancer, a little kooky, and very personable. She was very entertaining and always tried to keep things lighthearted, even while dragging religious beliefs along with her. One con would be that trying to get a word in, is literally impossible, she’s the type to talk at you rather than two you, she’s just so excited and had so much to say, DeLa was similar, but at least she stopped to breathe every now and then.

“There’s my sweeties! How’ve you two been? Ugh, it’s been far too long, go unpack and settle in, you two must be so exhausted. Go go, your bedroom is set up just as it was when you left!” Varla chirped, practically pushing them to the stairs.

“Okay okay, we’re going!” DeLa giggles, dragging her bags behind her. Jinkx stayed close behind, avoiding being acknowledged to the best of her ability, already feeling extremely out of place.

The massive house is decorated from top to bottom. Not a corner went without some sort of decoration. From garland to crosses, there was something for everything. The air smelled like cinnamon and pine. She was actually surprised not to see a Christmas tree, only then to realize later that that was one of the activities that they had planned, getting a Christmas tree and decorating it together.

“Don’t mind my room by the way, my aesthetic was quite different when I was a teenager.” DeLa says as she opens the door. It wasn’t much different.

The spacious room was pink tinted. The walls were pink, the floors were hardwood with a fuzzy pink rug on top of it. Her bed is Royal blue, The sheets were hot pink and silk, covered by a quilt that her nana had crocheted. Her bedside table was covered with a velvet blue tablecloth, a big vintage lamp sat on top of it, beside that was a vintage alarm clock. The bed itself was in front of a window, light pink silk curtains were tied back, with white ones with colorful twinkles still covering the window for privacy.

Near the side of her room was her vanity, it was most definitely the messiest part of the entire room. The huge table was in front of pink curtains, simply for decoration. It was lined with fringe with matching fringe lamps hanging above it, there was a massive old vintage mirror resting on top of the table, lights installed in the wall around it. On the table there were various makeup palettes and hair products as well as a few other things that she left behind. A fancy vase full of bobby pins and hair ties, and a very fancy golden picture frame with a family picture in it. On the other wall there was a huge TV with a small couch and coffee table in front of it, she even had her own bathroom, she couldn’t believe she actually grew up like this. All these luxuries in one room, when Jinkx was 16 she couldn’t even imagine having this many things and loathed people her age that did.

“Well don’t just stand there silly! Unpack your things, that dresser is empty.” DeLa giggles, pointing over at one of three vintage dressers.

She had matching horizontal and vertical dressers along with the chest that was at the foot of her bed. The ginger made her way over to the horizontal dresser and started to slowly unpack her things, putting them away in the drawers. She was still so dumbfounded that this was actually a real thing that was happening, that it was possible for a teenager to have lived like this.

“Was your sister's room this fancy too?” Jinkx asked, half joking.

“Well, sorta. She was older so she got a bigger bedroom. She also wasn’t and all the fancy stuff though.” DeLa replies, unpacking her things as well. Jinkx stood there for a moment trying to imagine a room bigger than the one she was in that wasn’t the master bedroom.

After the two of them unpacked, they laid on DeLa’s bed together, Jinkx was staring at the ceiling, well a chandelier that DeLa had placed over her bed. She sighs, closing her eyes. No matter where she looked there was something fancy. She felt so out of place here.

“Dink, don’t look so bummed out, I know you’re not used to this stuff or whatever, but it’ll be great I promise. I’ll try my best to make it as wonderful as it possibly can be!” DeLa cheered optimistically.

She really did hate to see Jinkx so uncomfortable, she just wanted her to be happy and have a good time. Though she could tell she already wasn’t, and her family hadn’t even gotten there yet. She was starting to feel bad for bringing her here whenever she was so reluctant, but she wanted so badly to show her that the holidays weren’t as horrible as she perceived them. It was barely the first day after all.

DeLa would be lying if she said that abstinence wasn’t hard for her. Even though it was how she grew up she still wondered what all the fuss was about, but she still never wanted to have sex, until she got with Jinkx. Watching her perform was the only thing that ever truly made her feel aroused to a point that she couldn’t simply think of something else and be fine. Her eyes traveled down her girlfriend’s body. She’d worn a long sleeved black shirt and leggings on the flight, the shirt was rather thin so it was already apparent she wasn’t wearing a bra, the room being on the colder side didn’t help much either. She jumped a little when Jinkx opened her eyes. She cleared her throat, sitting up straight to hide that she was flustered.

“We have activities to do! Today we’re picking out a tree and decorating it! I’m not sure around what time though, they always wait until the family shows up.” DeLa smiles.

“De, it’s the 20th. Your family starts meeting up this early?” The ginger asks, propping herself up on her elbows.

“Of course we do silly! The week of Christmas we always have all kinds of activities planned! Better yet it’s going to snow on Christmas Eve, we can make snowmen! But today is the day that we pick out a tree and decorate it. Of course they’ll go home and then they’ll come back tomorrow and we’ll go on a sleigh ride in one horse open sleigh. The horses are super stoked about it, and my dad has been prepping up the sleigh all month!” DeLa claps in excitement.

“Your family just owns horses… and a sleigh?”

“Uh duh, what are we supposed to do? Rent them?” DeLa giggles. “ You are so funny.”

Jinkx groans, falling back into the bed. With every moment, this week just seems like it would be lasting longer and longer. A few hours past, Jinkx didn’t want to leave the room, but DeLa left a few times to go talk to her family and what not before coming up the stairs one last time to get Jinkx.

“Alright, so Teena isn’t here yet, but my cousins are.” She smiles.

“Which ones?” Jinkx questions, blowing smoke out the window before putting her stuff away.

“Amanda, Muffy, Percy and Ducky.” DeLa was hoping Jinkx didn’t remember their names, but knew Jinkx did as soon as she saw her expression.

“Great.. The Andersons.” Jinkx groaned, getting out of the bed and took off her shirt to put on a bra. DeLa couldn’t help but to stare at Jinkx's full breasts, even for the split second Jinkx’s face was covered.

DeLa didn’t know why the urge to be touched was so strong all of a sudden, she’d never felt like this before. Even when she did feel aroused by Jinkx, it was never this strong. Maybe she was getting sick, she’d have to be sure to add something more to her nightly prayers tonight.

“Alright. I’m ready, let’s get this over with.” Jinkx says putting a jacket on. DeLa pulled herself out of her thoughts and smiled.

“Over with?! More like get it started! Come on you party pooper we’ve got a tree to choose and decorate!” She smiles, grabbing her by the hand and pulling her along with her downstairs.

Jinkx noticed the clearing in the living room, just by looking at how big the space was, she could tell it was to have to be a pretty large tree to fill it. She turned her attention to the small group of people near the door.

“I can still loveee the holidays, even though that asshole divorced me.” A breathy voice said, it was Janet, better known as Kitty, or so she declared for herself after her second divorce.

She was in a revealing hot pink bodycon cocktail dress, martini in hand. Her kids were wearing matching Christmas outfits, looking slightly miserable, Muffy was the oldest, she was 14, dressed in a black sweater with a long tartan skirt, with black flats. Percy was the middle child. He was 7 and was wearing a horrendous tartan overall set over a white blouse with knee high red socks with pom poms, paired with patent leather shoes. Jinkx snorted when she saw what he was wearing, DeLa lightly hit her side warningly. Jinkx stifles her laughter to the best of her ability. Ducky was the youngest, she was only a baby when Jinkx had first met her, she was 4 now in a little tartan dress with lacy white socks and patent leather maryjanes. She was confused, weren’t they supposed to be cutting down a tree? Why they were dressed so formally she had no idea.

“Yes, that’s great.” Varla nods, completely discarding everything her sister had said before turning to Jinkx and DeLa, “There you two are! Just in time, your father is ready to take you all out to the woods to pick out a tree! Better hurry, he’s already paid the lovely gentleman to cut it down!” She smiles.

“You paid someone to cut a tree down for you?” Jinkx mumbled.

“Of course! What were we supposed to do? Have daddy cut it down?” DeLa giggles while walking past the kids making her way outside. Jinkx cringed again before following her girlfriend.

“Is your hair actually red?” Percy questions as she passed by.

“Are the kool-aid stains on your mouth natural?” She snapped back.

“DINK!” DeLa calls from outside, Jinkx walks outside rather quickly and holds her girlfriend's hand.

“DeLa, this isn’t going to be a long process is it?” She asks.

“Well not really, we just have to pick the tree, have Mr. Tree cutting person cut it down then load it into this truck, bring it to the house and set it up for us so we can decorate it!” She smiles. Jinkx stared at her blankly but decided not to comment on it.

The family traveled into the woods, it was rather cold out now that it had gotten dark so DeLa’s family, being picky was getting obnoxious as they started arguing about it.

“Enough! Dink, sweetie. Will you pick a tree out for us?” DeLa asks. Jinkx stared at her as if the answer was obvious. DeLa pouts, giving her those huge doll eyes, squeezing her hand gently as she ran a finger up her arm gently. “Pleeeeaase?” Jinkx groans before taking a look around at the trees they’d been fighting over.

“That one.” She declared, pointing at the one DeLa had been wanting.

“Oh come on! They’re on the same team that’s not fair!” Percy whines.

“Too late, a tree has been picked and I’m sick of standing out here.” Her father stated before nodding at the man they’d hired to cut the tree down. The group started walking back to their cars.

“Where are we going?” Jinkx questions.

“Well, so no one gets hurt we leave the woods and let daddy and the tree cutting guy handle it until it’s all set up!”

Jinkx was still having a hard time believing any of what was happening was actually real. DeLa didn’t act this snobby at home. Maybe it was her family, maybe she didn’t realize what she was doing. Or maybe she just sounded that way simply based on how ridiculous all of this actually was. Back at the house there was low Christmas jazz playing throughout the main area, Jinkx was just relieved it wasn’t the Jingle Dogs.

“Come on, let’s go get in our pajamas so we’re cozy while we decorate.” DeLa smiles. Jinkx smiles and nods, that sounds nice and normal.

DeLa had been sure to buy Jinkx some decent pajamas for the trip, considering Jinkx didn’t own many pajamas that were suitable for her to wear around DeLa’s family, or many at all for that matter. Jinkx watched DeLa quietly as she changed into a white nightgown, it had ruffles and lace on it, under it she had put on an ivory, almost risqué bodysuit that was definitely considered lingerie to most people, but she’d never agree if Jinkx told her that. Jinkx’s pajamas were a silk red nightgown trimmed in black lace with a matching robe on top. DeLa never knew how to feel about being watched as she changed outside of work. Was Jinkx thinking about her in the same way that she thought of Jinkx? Those sexual thoughts. She had always wondered, she couldn’t help but notice when Jinkx’s gaze appeared darker and she felt like she was going to get pounced on at any minute. Part of her liked the feeling, the other part didn’t know how to feel about it.

—

The tree was finally fully decorated besides the angel up top. DeLa was having a good time, but Jinkx was staying rather quiet, she felt as if she was being stared at the entire time.

“Alright DeLa! Are you ready to put the angel up top?” Varla questions.

“Yes!” She cheers.

“Didn't Dewitte just get hip surgery not too long ago? There’s no way he’d be able to lift her high enough right now, he’s still recovering.” Kitty says, still managing to be logical through her three martinis and two glasses of wine.

“Oh no.. I suppose you’re right, tbh how else are we supposed to get the angel on top of the tree?” Varla questioned. “She can’t climb the ladder, it’s tradition for her to be lifted!”

“Jinkx is pretty tall.” Muffy pointed out. Everyone turned to look at her. Great, she thought to herself, she looked down at DeLa who was looking down at the angel before looking up at Jinkx.

“Jinkxy.. would you be a doll and lift me up there?” DeLa asks sweetly. Jinkx didn’t really have a choice here. If she said no DeLa’s entire family would probably start hating her, but more importantly, DeLa would be sad.

“Of course baby.” She reposted quietly, putting down the overpriced ornament ever so carefully before kneeling down. “Get on my shoulders, you’ll get up higher that way.” Jinkx explained.

DeLa nods, carefully lifting her nightgown up and steps over Jinkx’s shoulders, Jinkx stands slowly, holding onto DeLa’s legs for extra security. DeLa smiles as she began to reach for the top of the tree, Jinkx knew it’d piss off her father more than it probably way but it was the only way she could get her higher, Jinkx brought her hands to the back of DeLa’s thighs, lifting her high up enough to place the angel on top of the tree. DeLa could feel herself before flustered, not used to being grabbed there. She was carefully put back on the ground and smiled up at Jinkx who was visibly embarrassed. DeLa giggles and gives her a kiss on the cheek before stepping back to admire the tree.

“We did it!” She squeals.

–

The rest of the week was spent doing various activities, sleigh rides, ice skating, watching cheesy Hallmark movies, wrapping gifts, somehow there was still more decorating to be done, baking Christmas goodies, making gingerbread houses- from scratch. Though it all sounded fun, it was all so forced, everything was so formal and fancy it made Jinkx feel out of place, even small things, if it wasn’t how ‘glamorous” everything was that made Jinkx uncomfortable, it was who religious everything was. She really couldn’t catch a break and it was already Christmas Eve, she was happy it was almost over but she was exhausted as well, Jinkx put on her gloves, glaring at herself in the mirror. DeLa bounced into the room wearing her long white and blue winter coat that had a matching hat, she had on silk white gloves and white heeled boots, regardless that they were about to go out in the slow to build snowmen.

“Are you ready Jinkxy?” DeLa questioned as Jinkx readjusted her leopard print coat on her shoulders.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” She sighs, walking over to DeLa who takes her hand in her own.

The two of them make their way out of her room and down the stairs. Most of the family had already made their way outside so they didn't stop to talk to anyone on their way out. DeLa ran to the side yard and scooped up the fresh snow in her hands throwing it back into the air twirling around in it giggling, Jinkx smiled, even though she was miserable, seeing DeLa this happy warmed her little grinch heart. She couldn’t help but to love seeing her girlfriend having a blast with her wealthy overly religious family activities, she was just happy that she was still somewhat normal, aside from going blind to the working class again. Jinkx knew that’d wear off by the time they returned home in two days though.

She walked over to Dela who was starting her mission to create the perfect snowman. DeLa worked on the base while Jinkx started on the middle, only half heartedly listening to all the noirette’s name ideas for their creation.

“Ooo! Or Frosty!” Dela gasps.

“Baby, that’s already a popular snowman, if you want yours to be better than Frosty, you can’t name yours Frosty too.” Jinkx explained gently as she placed the coal eyes and smile on the head, followed by DeLa jamming a carrot into it for the nose.

“Can we suit him for the rights of his name?” Dela frowned.

“No darling, I don’t think that’d work either.” Jinkx giggled a little.

DeLa smiles before grabbing a scarf from the box of accessories they had gotten to decorate their snowman. Jinkx recognized the print, DeLa owned quite a lot of it, part of her didn’t want to ask, knowing the answer yet also not wanting to know that she was correct. DeLa then pulled out a silk top hat that was definitely by some sort of designer brand.

“DeLa… what are those from?” Jinkx dared to ask.

“Oh don’t worry Dink, it's only last season's Burberry scarf and some silk top hat we usually keep in the closet.

“You mean to tell me that you just casually keep a silk top hat in your closet in the house, and you just wrap a designer scarf around a pile of frozen water, like it's nothing?” Jinkx asked, clearly reaching her wits end.

‘Well yeah, it's what we’ve always done! It’s not like it's anything important!” DeLa giggles. Jinkx felt her eye twitch.

She loved DeLa and didn’t want to hurt her feelings, especially not with her father lurking around every corner, Jinkx took a deep breath and rubbed her face with her damp gloves. She looked over at her girlfriend, cupping her face gently.

“It's 9:30pm, I am going inside to take a hot bubble bath and I’m going to bed early. Enjoy your snow party.” Jinx says quietly before kissing DeLa on the lips gently.

She let go of her face and turned to walk to the house, taking her shoes off in the mudroom before walking up the stairs to DeLa’s room. DeLa frowned, she didn’t understand why Jinkx didn’t like the way they celebrated, it was all things he had listed that she did when she was a young kid, she sighs looking over at the snowman.

“Oh Mr. Tottles… What am I supposed to do about Jinkx bein’ in the poo poo dumps?” She asked, obviously no response.

She didn’t want to be out here without Jinkx, she seemed to be having fun so she didn't know what she’d done wrong. DeLa sniffled a little and looked around at the rest of her family, building their own snowmen, having snowball fights and making snow angels. It was all normal snow games. She didn’t see what was wrong. She wished that Jinkx would express her feelings to her, she could tell the entire trip that the redhead was seemingly biting her tongue, not making comments to things she’d normally jump on, unusually quiet she felt guilty for isolating Jinkx by surrounding her with things he didn’t like nor wasn't used to.

DeLa plopped down in the snow next to Mr. Tottles and sighs while looking around her, suddenly the snow was colder, the night seemed dimmer, was she really being this blind to her own excitement she was forcing onto Jinkx who didn't even really want to be here anyways? Dela pulled herself out of the snow and walked back to the house, kicking off her boots and hanging her coat and jacket together before walking up to her room. The bathroom door was closed, she knocked gently.

“DeLa?” She heard Jinkx’s voice from inside.

“Yes, it’s me!”

“Come in.”

DeLa opened the door and saw Jinkx in the tub, hair in a messy bun with her head resting on the tub wall, the bubbles in the tub were covering most of her body. She smiles a little while walking over and sitting next to the tub on the floor.

“I wanted to apologize.. I haven’t been very fair to you or your feelings, all you've done this week is try to make me happy, but I didn’t do the same in return..” DeLa rested her chin on the tub wall, frowning over at Jinkx.

“Baby.. thank you for apologizing, but it’s not you that’s stressing me out. You can’t help that this was the way you were raised, if anything it’s your family. They’re so judgmental, even though they don’t say it out loud, it’s apparent in their looks. That on top of you doing these things that you don’t realize you’re doing, it’s just a little too much.” Jinkx, sat up in the tub, turning to face DeLa.

The shorter woman caught a glimpse of her girlfriend’s chest, making her become flustered again. Why was she like this? Even in such a serious conversation she couldn’t keep her thoughts clean, even after adding to her prayers.

“I’m sorry about them too, I promise I’ll never force you to come here around Christmas time ever again. We can spend Christmas at home like we always do.” DeLa smiled a little, making Jinkx smile too.

“Thank you baby.” Jinkx leans over the tub wall to kiss DeLa, not waiting to touch her designer clothes wet by touching them.

DeLa hummed, leaning into the kiss further, Jinkx nearly moaned, kissing her deeper. They didn’t do this often, regardless of what most people thought, but DeLa being so religious was holding her back from doing a lot of things, but she never gave in and Jinkx was tired of her bible rants. She was surprised she was being so forward with her feelings, maybe it was the stress, maybe this was some sort of trap she’d been planning for the past four years to kidnap her or something. As interesting as that would be, she knew DeLa didn’t have the patience to think that through the first five minutes, not to mention for years.

—

Christmas itself was going surprisingly well, the prayers were getting old at that point, The Andersons were actually somewhat fun to be around, the rest of the family simply greeted her and went on with their day. It was already nearing the end of the night and the gift exchange was over, a few kids were pouting over not getting a bike, she owed DeLa five bucks for that. DeLa did seem a little off though, something to the twenty minute long grace that Jinkx had blocked out really affected her. She’d been quiet for the rest of the day. When DeLa excused herself to the bathroom and was gone for quite some time Jinkx managed to sneak away, she knocked on the door.

“Baby? It’s me.. can I come in?” Jinkx asked softly, the door opened and she was pulled inside rather quickly.

“Dink.. I'm sorry for being such a party pooper but I really don’t know what to do. I could tell that you blocked out half if not all of the prayer, but my dad threw something in that was really mean and disrespectful to us.” DeLa looked as if she was on the verge of tears.

“What’d he say?” Jinkx asked cautiously.

“He started talking about how he wishes that I could find true love, but I have found true love. You, but he acts as if you didn’t exist. I looked over at you and you were on your phone, which I honestly don’t blame you I have always hated that grace. My point is that it really hurt my feelings, but if I talk to him about it he’ll say that I’m being disrespectful and that the prayers have already been made and there’s nothing he can do about it.” She frowns, “I don’t want to lose you.”

“Oh baby… I’m sorry he said all that, and I’m more sorry that I wasn’t paying attention enough to defend us. But some stupid prayer isn’t going to make me leave you, I love you so much there’s nothing I would do that could affect our relationship in a negative way. I love you far too much to let him stand in the way of us.” Jinkx pulled DeLa into a tight hug.

“Earlier he pulled me aside and said that you were corrupting me. That I was losing my purity, I’ve tried my damnedest all my life to stay pure. Do you know how hard it’s been recently? Not to just want to have sex with you? I’ve never felt the urge to have sex as bad as I feel it when I’m around you. I don’t understand why it’s been hitting me all the sudden, but I can’t help it. Anytime I look at you you’re just so gorgeous and attractive and I just want you to… Nevermind. Yet, anything I do to try not to think about it, it isn’t enough, the thoughts always come back, and I think he knows. He’s been giving us dirty looks, and staying to watch myself… I don’t know what to do.” DeLa finally admitted.

DeLa felt herself get embarrassed about saying these things out loud, it was something she never thought she would admit to Jinkx until they were married. Jinkx was rubbing her back to comfort her, religious trauma, it was something she was very used to. She had it herself at one point, she still did, she just didn’t care enough for it to bother her anymore.

“Hey, look at me.” Jinkx stepped back far enough for DeLa to look up at her.

“It is okay that you’re thinking of these things, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have sex. Regardless of how many people that tell you it’s not okay it’s perfectly fine and normal. People are using a book that was written thousands of years ago to make rules about today, half those stories don’t make sense. If you want to have sex, consensual sex with another adult then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Think about it this way, show me animals only reason to live is to reproduce, their sole purpose in life is to have sex and have babies, that’s what a lot of people do, most of them are in cults yes but you know.. religion is basically a cult. I'm telling you this because you’re trapped, even if you hadn’t realized it you’re realizing it now, yeah? Do you feel shamed for wanting to do completely normal things? I personally had sex for the very first time at a particularly young age, and I’m perfectly fine. Nothing bad has ever happened to me, DeLa you are a fully grown adult if you want to have sex and you should be able to have sex.” Jinkx says cupping her cheeks, wiping away a tear that’d escaped.

“What if I wanted to have sex right now?” She questioned, sniffling. Jinkx smiles slightly, amused giggling a little.

“Then we could have sex right now.”

“Regardless of being a burlesque dancer, I know literally nothing about sex…” DeLa looked at the floor shyly, “Would you mind taking control?” She asks gently.

“I wouldn’t mind one bit.” Jinkx reassured her, gently lifting her chin pulling her closer to her.

Jinkx kisses her more intensely then she intended, pressing their bodies together against the bathroom sink. DeLa hummed into the kiss, holding Jinkx close by the waist. She didn’t know what to expect but she was already excited. The whole night she couldn’t help but look at the cleavage showing from Jinkx's tight dark green cocktail dress, it’d been driving her crazy. DeLa felt herself being lifted into the sink counter as Jinkx kissed down her neck. Jinkx knew it wouldn’t take much to make her have an orgasm. She was sensitive and wasn’t used to being touched down there, Jinkx herself has had sex with her fair share of women was was experienced, she’d have no probably getting DeLa to cum quickly before someone noticed they were both gone.

Though it wasn’t the time to be thinking things through, Jinkx wanted to be sure that she could pleasure DeLa the way she wanted without having to worry about people walking in, of course she wish she had more time and privacy, but that’s what home was for, or even DeLa’s room later. Jinkx made her way between DeLa’s legs, holding them apart as she placed gentle kisses on her inner thighs, DeLa was already moaning at this, the gentle feeling of the kisses trailing higher was exciting itself. The redhead pulled back enough to pull DeLa’s underwear off and throw them into the floor, pulling her dress up to keep it out of the way as well, there was so much she wanted to do, but something Jinkx had dreamed of doing was being about to taste her girlfriend, she was insanely attractive and not being able to shave her face between her thick thighs had always driven her crazy. She groaned at the sight, DeLa felt herself blushing as she watched Jinkx between her legs, already so worked up. Jinkx was teasing at this point, leaving kisses everywhere but where she needed it most, Jinkx could tell by DeLa’s breathing she thought it already felt amazing, that’s what she wanted. Once she was satisfied she pressed her tongue into DeLa’s clit earning a yelp and moan from her. It was clear she wasn’t expecting the pleasure to be so strong. Jinkx worked into her gently, being careful not to hurt the girl, DeLa was already moaning loud, rubbing a hand through Jinkx’s hair, the other hand gripping the counter to keep her stable.

DeLa rested her head back against the mirror moaning louder as Jinkx picked up the lace, squeezing her thighs hard enough to leave nail imprints, she was trying to steady her rapid breathing but it was no use, all she could focus on is the feeling of Jinkx’s tongue against her, any worries and speculations were left in the dust. DeLa whines, feeling sensitive already. Jinkx could smirk to herself all she wanted, this was exactly what she wanted. To make this religious girl drop all the bullshit she’d been forced into and to actually enjoy herself, she could feel DeLa muscles tensing up against her tongue as she moaned against her, not worried about anything but pleasuring her girlfriend. DeLa whimpers and moans loud, definitely loud enough for anyone to hear.

“FUCK JINKX! O-OH MY GOD!” She cried out cumming hard against her girlfriend’s mouth, tugging her hair hard.

The both of them were startled when they heard the door fly open. DeLa screeches when she saw her father in the doorway, Jinkx stands up as quickly as humanly possible to cover DeLa’s “intimates” as she’d call them and be prepared to comfort her from whatever was about to happen.

“Thou shalt use the lord's name in vain!” He spat, “especially not by two dykes. Get out of my house. I’ve tried to support your ways for far too long, I will not tolerate you violating my daughter under my own roof. DeLa if this is how you’re deciding to live your life and I don’t want you in my house either. You have 30 minutes.” He stated before slamming the door making DeLa jump.

“Hey, shh don’t cry it’s okay.” Jinkx whispers, wiping away tears as DeLa begins to cry. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you’re perfect. You’re so so perfect, and you did an amazing job. I don’t want you to be upset over this, he’s in the wrong here, you’re a human being and a grown adult you can do what you want.” Jinkx reminds her, kissing her softly. Through DeLa’s upset she hums at the taste of herself on Jinkx’s lips. The ginger laughed a little.

“See it’s okay, nothing happened. Of course he got upset but that’s his problem, the universe is fine, ’the Lord’ doesn’t give a shit what you’re doing with your body.” Jinkx smiles, wiping away any remaining tears as DeLa sniffles and nods.

“P-promise?” She managed out.

“Of course I promise, think of it as this, if it was really such a big bad thing, something would’ve happened as soon as we started.” Jinkx says gently as she begins to clean up the mess DeLa had made of herself, “and I promise the next time we do this, it will be a lot longer and you’ll feel a lot better afterwards. Because we’ll be in the privacy of our own home and we won’t have to worry about anyone barging in on us. That is if you want to next time.” Jinkx raises an eyebrow as she grabs DeLa’s underwear from the floor.

“I would love a next time.“ She smiles sheepishly. Jinkx smiles, slipping them back onto her and gently takes her off the counter fishing her dress before fixing her own lipstick.

“We’ll have to stay at a hotel tonight, but we can leave early tomorrow morning.” Jinkx kissed DeLa’s shoulder before opening the bathroom door and escorted DeLa up to her room quickly, covering her from her family in case any of them had any snarky comments.

it certainly wasn’t how they planned for Christmas to go, but they honestly wouldn’t rather have it go any other way. Jinkx never had to go over to DeLa’s family's house ever again; DeLa didn’t want to go over to her family's house ever again. They join the list of family members that simply send a passive aggressive card. When they finally did go home to Seattle, in the Uber ride back to the house DeLa’s couldn’t help but think about what Teena had said to her last Christmas she spent with them.

“One day you’ll experience what I did, and then we can spend Christmas together.”

DeLa never knew what she meant by that, she overheard her father talking about how Teena had “disrespected the Lord one too many times” many times over the years, so she always thought that her sister was in the wrong. Maybe her father was, it was going to be a weird change coming but Jinkx would be there to help her the entire way through. The couple is finally in the comfort of their own home, they flop down on the couch and hold each other tightly, glad it is over.

“Guess this isn’t worth anything anymore.” DeLa stated, taking off a ring that she had on since before she met Jinkx, The ginger had her suspicions but she never knew what the ring actually meant.

“What do you mean?” Jinkx asks, rubbing her back.

“Purity Ring.” Jinkx nods, DeLa thought for a moment before turning to Jinkx. “Here, you take it.”

“Me? Why.” Jinkx asks, gently taking the gold ring from her.

“Because, my father said that if I ever took that ring off before I got married then I might as well just throw it away. That ring is $4000. There's no way I’m just tossing it in the trash. Besides, you did a great job taking away my purity.” DeLa smiles, Jinkx cackles and kisses DeLa once.

“Thank you baby.”

****

[alexiessan]

Never alone - Chapter Twenty Four - Soulmate AU - The End

AO3

Previous - Here

Master List

Last chapter! Thanks to everyone who followed this story!

After Gabriel Agreste and Nathalie Sanscœur got arrested, Emilie Agreste was brought to the hospital. She has been in a coma for a few years now, with no sign of waking up, and the doctors weren’t very optimistic about her.

Emilie Agreste would probably never wake up.

Adrien has been very sad when he got the news, but he had the time to grieve her mother years ago when his father has lied about her death. While he missed her every day, he had learned to move on. Still, knowing that she was alive, brought hope to the young model. He didn’t care about the doctors’ prognostics, nothing could crush his hopes.

Thankfully, Adrien has been declared innocent in the whole Hawkmoth debacle. He and Ladybug had revealed to the police that the young Agreste has been Chat Noir all along. The information didn’t make it to the news, thankfully.

Paris celebrated that night and would celebrate for a whole week, finally happy to be free of Hawkmoth. People allowed themselves to cry, to scream, to let their emotions free.

That night, Marinette cried in the arms of her soulmate, not stopping even when he carried her to his bedroom, the short girl in his arm clinging to him like a koala.

Life, without having to fight Akumas, was weird. Marinette had gotten so used to miss classes or a few hours of sleep because of attacks that she was nervous as if waiting for something to happen.

But nothing happened. Her shoulders were free of the burden of Paris’ safety.

She no longer needed to be Ladybug.

The Miraculous on her ears felt so heavy now.

It’s at the end of April, after a month and a half of peace, that the fashion designer decided to take off the earrings.

“I think we both need a rest,” she said to Tikki, a sad smile on her lips. “I need to heal from Hawkmoth, to detach myself from Ladybug, and I can’t do that with you around.” She winced. “No offense.”

Tikki laughed. “None taken, Marinette! I totally understand. It will be nice for me to be with the other Kwamis for a while,” she smiled, floating up to Marinette’s face to nuzzle her cheek. “And it’s not like we’re saying goodbye. You’re the guardian now, so we can see each other whenever we want!” She settled on her chosen’s shoulder. “But you’re right. We both need a break. So…” she fell silent for a few seconds. “See you soon, I guess!”

Marinette laughed, placing a kiss on the Kwami’s head.

“See you soon, Tikki.”

And she took the earrings off, placing them in the Miraculous Box.

It was like a weight has been lifted off her shoulder. Marinette hadn’t felt so light in years.

She almost jumped when she felt arms circle around her from behind. Sighing happily, she leaned back so she could be closer to Damian.

“How are you feeling,” he asked, placing a kiss on her neck.

“Good,” she breathed, turning around to face him. “I feel really good.”

She pulled him closer and kissed him.

Adrien was moving away. He had told his friends that he would live with his aunt and his cousin in London.

“I mean, I’m eighteen, so I could live by myself but…” he played with his fingers, embarrassed. Nino looked at him with a warm smile, encouraging him. “But, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’ve had a golden childhood, you know? People did everything for me, from cleaning my room to cooking the meals. I can’t live by myself yet, so I’m moving in with my aunt. Then, I’ll learn everything I need to take care of myself.”

Alya laughed.

“Try not to give food poisoning to your family!”

Adrien gasped, falsely offended. “How dare you?!”

Adrien and Alya laughed while the others just shook their head in exasperation.

The young Agreste turned to Damian. “I heard you’re leaving soon?”

Damian nodded, unconsciously bringing Marinette closer to him. “Next week.”

Alya groaned. “Finally. I won’t have to see you anymore.”

The youngest Wayne smirked. “Sorry to break the news, Césaire, but I’ll be back in August as I’ll study here.”

The look on Alya’s face made everyone laugh.

Even though she knew that she would see him in a few weeks, saying goodbye to Damian at the airport brought tears to her eyes.

She hugged Dick first, who hugged her back so tightly that she couldn’t breathe for a few seconds.

“I’ll miss you so much.”

“Aw, you’ll see me soon, I promise,” the oldest of the Wayne siblings winked.

“I know, but it won’t be the same.”

Richard ruffled her hair with a smile. “I’m only a phone call away if you need anything. And when I say anything, I mean it, ok? Don’t hesitate. That’s what siblings are for, after all!”

She almost cried at that, but he gently pushed her towards Damian, giving them privacy in their goodbye.

Marinette let out a sob.

“I’m sorry. I swear I won’t always be this sensitive,” she said, embarrassed with the amount of tears she had shed lately. She had cried earlier when she said goodbye to Cloud and Alfred the cat too.

The green-eyed boy took her hand in his, pulling her closer to him. He kissed her forehead.

“I understand. Take time to allow yourself to feel, alright? Then, you’ll be okay in no time.”

She nodded. “You’re right.”

She cupped his cheek in her hand. “God, I hate seeing you go.”

He leaned in her touch. “I know. But you’ll see me in a few weeks for Prom.”

“I can’t wait,” she said and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him.

With the Baccalauréat coming and all the studying she had to do, time passed more quickly than she has expected.

In no time, she was in Gotham with the help of Kaalki, in her prom dress with Damian’s family in their manor.

Her boyfriend rolled his eyes as his father and brothers insisted to take a lot of pictures. Marinette didn’t mind. She was just happy to see Damian again.

She was happy to see his siblings too, of course.

Prom was exactly how she imagined it. It was such a shame there was no such thing in France.

The look on Damian’s classmates’ faces was hilarious. They obviously couldn’t believe that Damian Wayne was there, and with a date!

Their faces were even funnier when they saw him dance with her or when he tried to discretely kiss her.

Which was discreet at all, what with everyone watching them like a hawk.

It was a very nice night, one Marinette wished wouldn’t end, but alas, in the end, she had to go back to Paris.

While it was only one in the morning in Gotham, it was already seven in Paris, and she would have only three hours of sleep before having to get up to meet Alya and Chloé for a study session.

And, ok, maybe she got back at eight in the end because she couldn’t detach her lips from Damian’s.

Marinette and Damian passed their own tests easily, saying goodbye to their high school life.

The Eurasian girl was disappointed that she didn’t get to go to Damian’s graduation — she loved how it was such a big event in the US — but Jason sent her all the pictures they had taken, so it made up for her absence.

They didn’t get to see each other much during the summer. Just a trip here and there to Gotham thanks to Kaalki. Damian had to figure out a lot of things about Robin not being in Gotham for at least three years — five years if he decided to get a master degree — and all the paperwork needed for an American student studying in France.

Plus, his friend Jon was forcing him to spend time with it as it would be a long time before they would get to see each other.

Marinette has been accepted into the Fashion University of her choice and had immediately filled all the paperwork needed to finalize the registration.

Her summer has been busy with helping her parents in the bakery and going on a trip with Claude, Allan, and Allegra, and then on another trip with the original class from middle school. Even Lila was there and was actually pleasant.

All in all, August was there, and Damian and Marinette had finally moved in the Wayne’s penthouse. They had redecorated to make it their place and were exhausted after two weeks of painting and Ikea trips.

They were cuddling on the couch, Titus, Cloud, and Alfred the cat sleeping in a pile at their feet.

The couple was exhausted, but happy and ready for the next step in their life.

Marinette turned slightly so she could face her boyfriend. She smiled at him as he raised an eyebrow at her, and kiss him softly.

“Hey, I love you, you know?”

Damian kissed her cheek.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, bringing her closer. “I love you, too.”

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[benbarnesescape]

Part 5: Co-Ed Problems

AU!Frat Billy Russo x Reader 

Warning:Language 

_____

“You work fast.”

Curtis’ voice cuts through Columbia's quad area, loud enough to garner Billy's attention as he pulls his head phones free, watching the tall African American man take a seat across from him. Curtis has a shit eating grin on his face, a knowing glint in his eyes.

Three days and somehow it had spread like wildfire.

Billy groans as he asks,

“Who told you?”

“Karen.”

“Karen?” Billy frowns and Curtis chuckles,

“She’s a mutual friend of ours. Knows Y/N pretty well and we have a business class together. She couldn’t wait to gush how smitten Y/N was a few days back.”

That knowledge makes Billy’s stomach flop. The fact of the matter was, so was he. He had been disappointed when he had woken up alone. He had thought that despite your jesting between sessions that you were into him.

He had hoped for one more round before treating you to breakfast and seeing where the morning took you. .

“Yeah. She also is betting that you don’t realize that Y/N left her number on your desk for a whole other week.” Curtis takes a sip of his coffee and Billy looks at him dumbfoundedly.

You left your number?

Curtis spits out his coffee, laughs.

“Of course you didn’t realize she left her number on your desk. Lucky for you to have a friend like me. You could’ve seriously fucked up your chances.”

Billy falls back in his seat, throws both his hands behind his head,

“You didn’t tell me that she grew up.”

Curtis rolls his eyes,

“Because I’m responsible for telling you about the process of puberty?”

Billy snorts, grabs for his water bottle and takes a swig,

“You know what I mean. She’s….you didn’t tell me she was fucking sexy. And like confident and smart and…..”

“Oh god...listen I told you Y/N was awesome.” Curtis cuts him off. “She’s always been awesome. You were the one all hung up in your feelings not to realize.” Curtis laughs and Billy shrugs.

“Okay whatever.” He waits a beat, “Who else knows?”

Curtis raises a brow and Billy shakes her head.

“Listen we aren’t in the most chivalrous of fraternities and I don’t want her name getting pulled through the mud. She’s different.”

Curtis snorts,

“You’re group of boys up in Maryland may have been absolute dogs but that's not how we roll in New York.”

Billy rolls his eyes,

“People still talk.”

Curtis shrugs,

“Fair. if Karen knows than for sure Frank, Dinah….David though I doubt he would care. Sarah probs because Dinah, Y/N, Karen and her are pretty tight. Oh and she’s fucking David.”

“A small group of people.” Billy laughs and Curtis smiles, shaking his head,

“It's all good. The people that matter know. Just call her. She’s typically pretty busy but I could see her making time for you. She’s always had a thing for you…”

Billy smiles, nodding as he returns his eyes back to his book.

He knew that much to be true.

Dinah Madani was pissed at you.

Not pissed like she was when she found out you got into more Ivy League schools than her. Not pissed like when she thought you were going to move in with Karen and Sarah instead of her.

Pissed on a whole other level.

She doesn’t come home the first night. Texts you to let you know she’s staying with her parents for a few days. You try to let it slide, throw yourself into the play that your co-starring, the few papers you need to wrap up for classes.

Still makes you uneasy the third day when you’re welcomed by a dark, untouched apartment as you shuffle into your tight home.

The problem was of course both your pride. You had apologized - the once - and she had accused you of being selfish. Of not realizing the stress you had put her through.

You weren’t sure if it was the fact you went AWOL for a night or the fact that you had fucked Billy before she did. Karen had showed her a picture of him and though Dinah had acted like she wasn’t impressed, you knew she was.

Great.

Day four you’re neck deep in long physics equations for your astronomy course, trying to distract the anxious feeling in your gut. Not only was Dinah effectively ignoring you, but Billy hasn't texted you since you left. You didn’t want to feel insecure about it, disappointed, sad but you were.

You had scheduled time in later that evening to cry it out, all the tension that was building up in you.

For now, you allowed yourself to sit in the dusty stacks of the old library, cursing whoever had created over complicated equations to explain black holes.

“Can I join you?”

Its her sharp, knowing voice that cuts through your brains thoughts, causing you to peer up into chocolate eyes that mirror your own. She has that knowing, cocky smirk on her lips and you wave a hand across from you, clearing out books so she could camp down.

“Bought dinner. Pizza from Zollis.”

You give her a grateful smile as she sighs, falls into her seat. She looks over at you, before shaking her head.

“Listen. I’m sorry. My big fucking ego got in the way and…..I’m not happy to admit it but alas here we are.”

“No,” you sigh as you throw your pen down on the table. “My big fucking ego got in the way. No, actually it was Billys big fucking cock and my ego became a slave to it.

I got dicked down dumb.”

Dinah snorts before she erupts into laughter and shakes her head,

“Well I accept your apology.”

“Good. because I accept yours.”

She smiles as she tugs on the pizza box, dragging it in front of the both of you. She hesitates, looks at you,

“Okay you know I hate….being wrong and admitting stuff that makes me vulnerable.”

You nod as you pop open the box, salivating at the pizza. You’d been chowing down on tuna and butter noodles for two days now - this was welcomed relief.

“I just….Billy got hot. And like you’re hot and like I’m hot but I just...I don’t know. I got weirded out because I was jealous you fucked him. You know. He’s hot. I’ve been staring at pictures on his Facebook and Instagram for days. I hate myself.”

She pouts and you look up at her, a mouth full of pizza before you start laughing,

“I knew it!”

“What!”

“Not that you ever liked Billy. That you were mad I fucked a hot guy before you. You’re the one who gets the hot guys. I get….guys like Gunner. God why does Gunner have a hard on for me?”

“Because all weird hipster theater dudes do. But also that's not true. You date hot guys you just don’t get all wrapped in them. I could tell the minute I saw you that you were all tied in the thought of you and Billy.”

You sigh as you cross your legs, bite into more of your pizza.

“Yeah but for what that's worth I don’t think anything will come from it.”

“What’d you mean?”

“He hasn’t texted me.”

“....so?”

“So I thought he would reach out”

Dinah frowns.

“DM? FB Message? Snapchat?”

You sigh,

“You know I don’t go by my real name on there. Not after I starred in Little Shop of Horrors and that guy stalked me and I had to make all my accounts private. I’m not the easiest to find.”

Dinah nods her head, shrugs.

“I don’t bite he’s not into you. Billy was all about you growing up. And like you were cute back then….a little awkward but cute,” you scoff as she continues, “but you’re hot now. And funny. And great…..”

She huffs out a breath, before her lips break into a smile,

“Unless…..”

“Unless?” you ask and she gives a nonchalant shrug, biting into another piece of her pizza.

“No.”

“C’mon. It’s the end of the school year - lets celebrate.”

“No!”

“Frank invited us when I ran into him two days ago. Said that him, and Curtis, AND BILLY, would love to have us.”

“This feels like a set up.”

“Because it is. But like come on. Give it a chance. Just one chance.”

You were far too forgiving.

It was what had you holed up in a corner of the old factory building, co-eds of all shades, sizes and years dancing in drinking in rhythm. Summer was a taste away, so close to so many young people and you were just part of a group who were watching on with curiosity.

“Lighten up.” Dinah says, walking back with two red solo cups and you sigh. You can’t. You really want to but you’re anxious. You should be out monitoring the night sky, or inside studying or sleeping.

Not standing in a corner hoping Billy would notice you.

“There they are!”

David’s voice is loud over the music as he scurries through the crowd, his dirty blonde locks slicked back as he tugs on Sarah who’s on his heels. He’s proudly wearing his fraternity letters, a large smile on his lips as he bends down and hugs you deeply, Dinah.

He also smelled like he smoked enough pot to shoot them back in time.

“Didn’t think you’d show but ohhh am I glad you did.” Sarah kids as she hugs you and Dinah and you sigh, shake your head.

“What are you talking about?”

“Billy’s been in a mood all week. I mean, I thought it was funny at first you ghosting him but now his mood is getting old..”

You roll your eyes as Dinah smirks, takes a sip of her drink.

“He hasn’t texted me.” You say evenly.

“That’s what he’s telling everyone. That you're standing him up.” Sarah wiggles her brows and David comes behind her, kissing her neck before resting his head on her shoulder,

“Doesn't matter. Lets drink. Party. Smoke. We’re all going to be fucking seniors next year...free!”

You laugh as Sarah sighs, presses her lips against his own. You never understood their dynamic - Sarah was fun, light and free, David more awkward and intellectual but together they worked.

You look over at Dinah, who is making flirty eyes with someone across the room and mutter,

“I’m going to get another drink. This piss beer isn’t cutting it.”

“Cool. Don’t wander too far.”

You nod as you move your way through the crowd, ignoring the way groups of men stare you down. You were going to give this party five more minutes before you dipped, your heart not in it.

Sarah bringing up Billy wasn’t helping.

You find the makeshift bar, take a look at your poisons. Vodka, gin, tequila, whiskey. You sigh, opting for the gin, pouring a hearty amount along with the tonic soda that's left over. A splash but a splash enough to get you further into the night.

You take a long sip, breathing relief.

Okay, maybe ten more minutes….

_____

Tag List:

@ rockintensse @missphanosaur18 s @ninjathrowingstork@charlieimaginesstuff @ benbarnesfanforever @ladyblablabla @deerprongs@ugh-my-back @padfootagain @aylinnmaslow  @ marauderskeeper@caitlyn-blackwell  @princessderavenclaw @starlesskyox @thesandbeneathmytoes @ marauderskeeper @ youveseen–thebutcher@xgminigypsy@iheartbinbons @just-nikkii @katbernoulli @suchatinyinfinity @aikeia

[chocoluckchipz]

Dance with Me, Chaton - 16

Read it on A03, WattPad, FF.net

Written for @ladynoirjuly2019

< Previous

16. Akuma.

Adrien skipped however many working days were left in the week. His fear of the itch coming back at the most inconvenient moment aside, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to face Marinette after the stunt he’d pulled. As far as his father was concerned, Adrien’s cold was still in full swing. Gabriel would know better if he cared to call to check on his son, but alas, that was a dream not of this reality.

His mind, however, was preoccupied with another miracle: Ladybug was willing to reveal herself to Chat Noir. Not just willing; she’d insisted they meet and continue their friendship as their civilian selves. She wouldn’t make it easy for him, though. No. His Lady wanted to have fun with their reveal, and so, Adrien would have to find her. Her cell phone would be turned off, so he couldn’t text her and see who replied. Her clothes wouldn’t be giving her away, and her hair wouldn’t be tied in her signature pigtails. Ladybug wouldn’t be looking for him, and she certainly wouldn’t dance the way she could.

A tough call, Adrien knew that. But he could do it. He believed he could.  Not for his father. No. Gabriel had proven to have less than decent intentions. Adrien, on the other hand, couldn’t deny anymore: he was smitten. Possibly in love. Slowly, over the last few weeks, he'd gotten to know this incredible woman over their texts. The images of her dancing hadn’t left his mind ever since she’d honoured him to witness her, and when he’d entered the Club Akuma on that Saturday night, Adrien had wished for nothing more than to have finally met her and see if they could build something more than a friendship.

One part of his strategy was to not give himself away and make Ladybug avoid him. As far as she knew, Chat Noir was going to come alone since Ladybug was his date if he could find her. Adrien Agreste brought Nino as his plus one, and Nino came in a package with Alya, so with two people in tow, Adrien Agreste couldn’t be Chat Noir. He also dressed in a white shirt and light blue jeans, a drastic contrast to Chat Noir’s black assemble. His hair was impeccably styled, and if Adrien would be forced to dance, it’d be either a moonwalk or a robot. No Chat Noir is his sane mind would embarrass himself with those moves, knowing that his Lady might be watching.

“So,” Nino said as they settled near the bar. “We’re gonna go dance if you don’t mind. Don’t drink too much, dude.”

Adrien groaned. “When will you let this go, Nino? I’ve learned my lesson.”

“I know you did.” Nino winked and took Alya’s hand. “Just a little reminder. See you later, bro.”

In a moment, the duo dashed off to a dance floor. Adrien looked around. Most of the space was dedicated to the dance floor, but all around the perimeter, there were niches and lounges with seating and tables. People were already occupying most of those, and if Ladybug wouldn’t be dancing, could she possibly be there? Adrien hummed. She could still dance, just not up to her full potential. However, he should check out those niches despite. Just in case.

“Want a drink?” the barman asked.

“No, thanks,” Adrien replied. “I don’t do well with alcohol.”

“We have a bunch of non-alcoholic cocktails.”

“Maybe later,” Adrien said and stood up. He’d better start his search, mingling. Ladybug was petite and slim. Her dark hair with red streaks could be a wig, so that detail was useless. But he knew her eyes were blue. She let it slip a few days ago, and of course, her bubbly, smart, bold, and fun character, he’d recognize anywhere.

“Hey, Adrien?”

He turned to a lounge from which his name sounded. Marinette smiled and waved.

“Want to help me destroy them?”

The people on the couches chuckled as a pair that stood behind Marinette arrogantly smirked at him. It looked like a challenge, and if Marinette looked so smug, Adrien bet it was a fun one at that. Plus, if he’d appeared busy with whatever Marinette was offering to him, Ladybug wouldn’t suspect him to be Chat Noir, all while he would subtly monitor the area. Adrien grinned, walking closer.

“Sure. What are we doing?”

“Charades.” Marinette’s smile widened.

“Sounds fun.”

“Against us.” The man behind Marinette came forward and offered him a hand. “Kim. Kim. Lê Chiến Kim.”

“Alix,” the woman beside him said. “Alix Kubdel.”

“Adrien Agreste.” Adrien shook Kim’s hand and waved to Alix. “So what are the rules?”

“You have a minute to guess each other's word. The group that gets to twenty points first wins. The losers walk the plank.”

“And what’s the plank?”

“Alcohol. The losers share a bottle of vodka.”

Adrien froze, his blood running cold. Anything but this. He had a history with alcohol. A history so awful, it stirred him clear of drinking forever.

“Don’t worry,” Marinette crossed her arms over her chest, a confident smirk playing on her lips. “I havent lost in years, and with you as my partner, we’ve got this in the bag.”

Adrien gulped. “Are you sure?”

She nodded, her eyes full of fearlessness and assurance.

“You can always walk away if you want.” Kim shrugged. “I’m sure Marinette can find another partner.”

Adrien bit on the inside of his cheek. It was risky. He shouldn’t get involved. He wasn’t here for this, but… Marinette was so kind to him. She was his friend. One of the few good friends he had. How could he turn his back on her and walk away? Plus, she did look awfully confident in her abilities, and he did owe her a favour for those scratches the other day.

“So? Are you in or we’re looking for someone else?” Alix cocked her head to the side.

Adrien swallowed. “I’m in. I was just surprised of how extreme a plank you guys have.”

“More like a good incentive to take the challenge seriously,” Alix chuckled. “Let’s start?”

Marinette looked at Adrien. “Are you sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

He took her hand and places a gentle kiss on top of her knuckles, winking. “I won’t refuse to help a lady when she asks me for it. Especially, the one who is so confident in winning. After all, she didn't refuse me when I was in need.”

Her cheeks rosy, she smiled at him. “Let’s win this then.”

Car, bunny, laptop. Baby, carrot, dress. Gabriel Agreste, Pencil case, Donald Trump. It all went smoothly until the very end. They were neck-in-neck with the other team, and Adrien even managed to sneak a few looks around, searching for his Lady. So far, no one had caught his attention.

“Okay.” Kim high-fived Alix. “One more point for us. Your turn, Agreste. If you guess correctly you win. If not, we get our turn, and then you’re toast!”

“Keep dreaming,” Marinette puffed, pulling a card from a box. She read it, smiled and nodded. The timer started. Marinette straightened up, pushing her chest out. She undid her bun in a shift movement and ruffled her hair, putting a part to cover half of her face. Then her eyes turned half-lidded, and she looked at Adrien the way he wasn’t sure he would soon forget.

Adrien swallowed. “A girl?”

Marinette raised her finger, letting him know he was on the right track. She proceeded to walk around, her hips swooshing from side to side, her arms on them. Leaning her head backwards, she turned around to look at him. Adrien felt his cheek warming up, his knees going weak.

“A goddess?”

She shook her head and tried to seduce him harder.

“Don’t choke on your saliva, Agreste,” Kim yelled with a chuckle. “We know Mari’s hot, but keep your head in the game.”

Adrien glared. Marinette was hot, but he was here for Ladybug. “Shut up.”

Kim laughed. Adrien ignored him. His eyes back on Marinette, he continued to guess.

“Marilyn Monroe? Scarlett Johansson? Kim Kardashian? Cleopatra? Sofia Vergara? Megan Fox? Wonder woman? A nurse? Starfire? Catwoman? An average high school girl from every single anime there is?”

People around them rolled on the couches, dying from laughter as Marinette was desperately trying to show the word to Adrien, but his mind was drawing either one of the above nonsense or going completely blank. Adrien growled, the threat of alcohol punishment clouding his thinking. He panicked. This was humiliating, but what could he do? Marinette wasn't showing the word to him. She was seducing him in public with witnesses around! And skillfully so, might he add? This was definitely a payback for the scratches he'd asked her a few days back. No doubt about that.

Marinette suddenly stopped, her eyes widening a speck. Her hands up to her head, she showed him something what looked like—

“Bunny ears?”

Marinette feverishly nodded and mimicked a person singing in a microphone.

Adrien frowned in concentration. Oh! His eyes blew wide—

The timer rang.

“Jessica Rabbit!” he cried a second too late.

Marinette dropped her head into her hands, moaning into her palms, “Jessica Rabbit.”

Alix snorted. “You brought up a bunch of cartoons and American celebrities, but you couldn’t remember Jessica Rabbit?”

“I’m sorry.” Adrien braved a side glance at Marinette, giving her the most apologetic, nervous smile he could. “I tried my best.”

“That’s fine,” she said, her voice cracking. Deeply inhaling, she straightened. “It’s not the first time I lost, so don’t worry about it.”

“But the plank—”

“It took us only five years to win again.” Alix laughed. “Thank you, Adrien.”

“Yeah,” Kim cackled. “Thanks, Agreste. Now, let the fun start.”

Adrien’s stomach curled on itself. “Don’t you have to win first?”

“If you insist.” Kim shrugged and guessed Alix’s word in under twenty seconds. “Now—” he pointed to Adrien and Marinette, “—you two walk the plank.”

Marinette groaned, her head back into her hands.

Adrien bit into his lower lip.

Alix shook her head, watching Marinette and turned to Adrien. “I suggest you make plans to get her home straight away after drinking.  A shot or two is all it takes for her.”

Adrien nervously glanced at the girl. That’d make the two of them. He’d better arrange something for himself as well. So much for meeting Ladybug tonight. Yet, he couldn’t blame anyone but himself.

“Would you like us to escort you?” Kim chuckled. “We can always join you with our own bottle.”

Marinette glared at Kim, standing up and grabbing Adrien’s hand. “No, thank you. I don’t need witnesses for my misery. Please, don’t let me see you for the rest of the evening.”

“Ah, don’t be pouty, Marinette,” Alix cackled. “You’ll be fine. What can possibly happen to you with such a handsome man by your side.” She winked at them.

Marinette pursued her lips together and, saying nothing, dragged Adrien away to the bar.

“That’s smaller than I thought it’d be,” Adrien said once they’d settled and the barmen put a bottle with two glasses before them.

Marinette chuckled. “It’s an eight-shot bottle. We aren’t crazy enough for the standard one. For most people, including Alix and Kim, eight shots for two aren’t an issue. Me? I’m out in just a couple. Must be something in my genes.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve concentrated more on the game—”

“That’s not your fault,” Marinette sighed. “It happens, but… I do apologize for my behaviour in advance. I get rather… emotional and lose my filter when I drink.” She dropped her head on a bar and moaned. “That’s why I don’t drink.”

Adrien chuckled bitterly. “At least I’m not alone. The last time I drank, I put on a striptease show while yelling all of my family’s secrets to the public at a random bar.”

Marinette’s eyebrows shot up as her eyes widened. “You’re kidding me.”

“I wish I was,” Adrien said, laughing. “It was my first year at the university, and I was in my rebellious stage. Also, incredibly lucky that my friend Nino tackled me down and dragged me away before I removed my pants. Believe me, I didn’t make it easy for him.”

Marinette stared at him wide-eyed but couldn’t keep a giggle away. “That’s awful.”

“Yeah. I had an earful like never before from my father. My rebellious stage ended. The scandal was managed, and I never drank again.”

“Geez, and I thought crying, being flirty, and giving away my mediocre secrets was bad.”

“Hopefully, it didn’t land you in a lot of trouble.”

She giggled. “No, nothing like that. Just a lot of embarrassment the next day. Okay, I have a proposition.”

“We run away?

“Not unless you want to be shamed for the rest of your life for being a coward. Those two might not be here, but believe me, they’re watching, and they will know if we run. And they will make sure everyone else will know that too. Too much fun for them at stake here because running now, means us walking the plank twice later. I’d hate for that to happen.”

“Me too.” Adrien pouted. “So, what’s your proposition? We drink it as fast as possible and get out of here to avoid embarrassing ourselves?”

Marinette shook her head. “Not unless you want to risk alcohol poisoning. We need food and juice to mix it with, and we do this slowly, but, as soon as we’re done, we get a taxi and go home. We should probably call for one right now to come in an hour?”

Adrien’s shoulders slumped. Going away so soon meant he wouldn’t find Ladybug tonight. But to repeat his first drinking experience he also didn’t want. He could probably ask for a delay, find his lady and then get drunk and get away… That would be an awful first meeting.

“Good idea,” he let out a dejected sigh.

“You don’t like it,” Marinette said, looking at him.

“No, I do,” Adrien argued. “It’s just this is my first party in a long time. I thought I’d enjoy it a little longer than I have.”

She put her hand on his. “I’m sorry I got you into this.”

Adrien kicked himself for upsetting her. All Marinette wanted was for him to have fun. If not for him being distracted with his search, they would’ve won. Most if not all of their losses were his fault. He was the one who needed to apologize. “Don’t be. It’s my fault.”

She shook her head.

“Nuh-uh.” Adrien shushed her protest. “Don’t even try to deny it. Now, I owe you twice, and that's why I'm going to be an adult and offer to split this bottle two-thirds for me and one for you."

She quirked an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I’m bigger than you. My body can handle more alcohol.”

“You know I will not refuse that, right?”

“And I don’t expect you to. Let me just text Nino instead of a taxi to get us home, and we can start.”

“Your friend?”

Adrien nodded. “He’s here with his girlfriend.”

“Sounds good.”

Nino’s agreement to drive them home in an hour received, they opened the bottle. Even mixed with juice, the drink was bitter and both of them hated it. Adrien asked for appetizers straight away to make the process more manageable. It helped. A little. The process was still repulsive and slow. When the bottle was empty, Nino was yet to arrive. The duo didn’t care, though, an insatiable desire to spill all of their secrets out kicking in.

“There is this guy,” Marinette giggled. “I looooovvvvvveeeee him. Like the hugest most embarrassing crush in the history of crushes, and everyone but him knows. Mme Bustier and my own parents wingman for me when they can. So embarrassing. But he’s my boss’ son, so I can’t tell him he’s hot. And kind. And funny. And smart. And hot. And I want him to kiss me. Can’t. Just can’t.”

“Why not?” Adrien replied, feeling giddy. “Tell the idiot. He is an idiot, right? All boss’ sons are usually spoiled brats.”

“He is not!” Marinette puffed. “Did you miss the part where I said he was smart.”

“You said he was hot.”

“And smart.”

“Whatever.” Adrien brushed it away. “He’ll be an idiot not to love you back. I mean you’re the hottest girl in the company. And you are funny and talented, and just amazing. I’d totally go for you if I weren’t in love with Ladybug.”

“Ladybug?” Marinette giggled. “What a strange name.”

“She is fantastic,” Adrien sighed. “I was supposed to find her here. Not get drunk. Cause I think I’m drunk.”

“You are drunk.” Marinette giggled. “And so am I. I hope your Ladybug doesn’t see us.” She perked up, looking around. “Let’s go find her. I’ll be your wingman… umm… wing-woman. Call her. Let’s call her and get her over here. I’ll set you two up.”

She stood up and yelled. “Ladybug? Where are you? Adrien—”

He pulled her down. “Shhh! It’s a secret. Ladybug is a secret. You can’t tell anyone.”

“Why not?” Marinette pouted. “I have a secret friend too, you know, and I tell my friends about him.”

“He’s not much of a secret if you tell others about him.”

“But I want to tell others about him.” She pouted. “He’s cool. He’s so cool. I like him. Like a lot. I don’t even know who I like more, so I thought I’ll meet him and see. He was supposed to meet me here. Oh!” Marinette chuckled, covering her mouth with her hand. “You know what? I told him I’ll turn my cell off, but I didn’t. I lied. Can you imagine?”

“Bad Marinette. Meanie.” Adrien grinned. “He’s probably searching for you and doesn’t know that all he has to do is to call your number.”

“I know!” She giggled. “Such a shame. That’s why I said you should call her.”

“I should” Adrien straitened.

“You should.”

He pulled his phone out and opened Discord. “Ladybug… there you are. Okay. Hello. Where are you? And send.”

Marinette’s cell chimed. She looked at the screen and grinned. “Oh! Look. He texted me. Smart kitty. Hello. Where are you?” Marinette read out loud before typing. “At the bar. Having fun with my crush.”

Adrien’s cell chimed. “See? She’s here. I told you she’d be here. At the bar. Having fun with… my crush?” Adrien frowned and typed.

Marinette’s phone chimed. “What’s the name of my rival?” She read off with a chuckle before responding.

Adrien stared at his phone. “Say, Mari, do you know of any Adriens in here who are sitting at the bar with my Ladybug at this very moment?”

She looked around. “Nope. Just you. Why?”

He turned to her and took a picture with his phone.

Marinette’s phone chimed. She frowned. Looking at the screen. “He sent me my photo and said he's right beside this lady. And he wants the picture of Adrien. Smile.” She raised her phone and took Adrien’s picture. “And send.”

Adrien stared at his phone for a while before he looked at Marinette, his face serious. “Marinette, are you Ladybug?”

Marinette giggled and leaned closer. “Nope. Tonight, I’m Marinette. Ladybug I am only at the Kwami’s Kave, but shhh. Don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret.”

“Okay,” he said, a lopsided grin spreading his lips. “By the way, I’m Chat Noir, and I think I’m in love with you.”

“Really?” Her eyes widened. “You’re hot, Chat. You knew that, right?”

“Not as hot as you, my Lady.”

“And you are such a flirt. And funny. I looovvve our chats. And you, too. I think I love you, too. Especially since you are also Adrien.”

He shuffled closer and cupped her face. “Can I kiss you?”

“Such a gentleman.” She giggled. “Okay. Permission granted. Kiss me away.”

Adrien pulled her closer and crushed his lips against hers.  The rest of the world ceased to exist.

_______________________________________________________________________

Next >

[sepublic]

A Monsterverse Gigan Movie Proposal

           The movie opens up on a bit of a news-style documentary, discussing the cultural impact the Kaiju have had on us. We see various clips of the Kaijus’ impact; We have memes, plushies and toys designed after them. People have capitalized by selling merchandise and food themed after famous Kaiju. Cashiers get an extra tip by having boxes encouraging customers to vote with money who is better; Godzilla or Kong?

           There are talkshows, documentaries, conspiracies, all that jazz. High-end fashion is deliberately fashioned after Kaiju, with those designed after Kaiju such as Ghidorah or Hedorah being particularly controversial. There are even religious movements and straight-up cults that worship the Kaiju as gods.

           Everyone’s talking about Godzilla, Mothra, or Rodan and whatnot. People make art, and photos taken by drones are all the craze by tabloids and news outlets. People tend to make protests about the Kaiju, either advocating their destruction, or further cooperation, such as by leaving them alone, or tending to them, etc. As a way to build funds and encourage societal awareness and acceptance of Kaiju, Monarch has even authorized little tours where people can get relatively close to friendlier Kaiju, such as Baragon or even Godzilla!

           Alas, it’s not all fun and games, as there are many illegal versions of these officially-santcioned tours. The government has designated ‘Kaiju Parks’, areas where Kaiju tend to roam that are cut off from the rest of humanity for obvious reasons. While there are official tours through these parks to observe friendlier Kaiju (from afar, of course), others are a lot less… legal.

           And we see this in the film, where a boat illegally takes some tourists up-close to a slumbring Kaiju on some rocks in the ocean. While the tourists take pictures and selfies, the boat-driver quietly tries to take skin samples of the Kaiju, hoping to make a profit, when people suddenly begin disappearing, because surprise- The remaining Kamacuras, now more grown, has upgraded their camouflage to full-on invisibility and is using humanity’s tendency to flock towards Kaiju to get some meals!

           Ultimately, the movie is meant to discuss theatrics, culture, and our relationship with Kaiju and how we interact with them, and vice-versa… Or more properly, how we REACT to them, because by the end of the day we’re just ants in their eyes. And while society’s acceptance and relationship with the Kaiju has begun to peak, there are still those who would sabotage it, for a wide variety of reasons.

           After this big reveal and discussion, we cut to our regular human protagonists, as well as two new faces. One of them is a struggling, online artist who regularly draws Kaiju and posts them online, although she is disappointed by her lack of reblogs and thus has to work at some low-end job to survive. This Artist (who will be called as such for now) is clearly based off of Gengo Kotaka, and is additionally a bit of a meta representation of artists who post their works online but unfortunately get little attention.

           Artist also has another friend who draws, who is not-so-subtly implied to be a bit of a Monsterfucker, especially with her fanart (which is straight-up images from that one Godzilla manga where the monsters are buff and humanoid). Artist goes through her usual routine, lamenting a lack of commissions or anyone else interested in her work, when she suddenly gets an email!

           It’s from World Children’s Land, a company dedicated to the construction of Theme Parks and other attractions! The email is sent by a Japanese entrepreneur, who explains how he has had plans to create a themepark centered around Kaiju, for all ages! His plans for it are big, too- He hopes that this park, named Monsterland/Kaijuland, will become big enough to rival attractions such as Six Flags, Legoland, and even Disney World!

           Anyhow, the Entrepeneur noticed Artist’s work online, and impressed, is hoping to hire her to work as a graphics designer and cartoonist for Monsterland. Artist, thrilled to not only get work but also a job centered around her passion and hyperfixation, gleefully accepts her participation in this ambitious project.

           We learn more about Monsterland, as we see it getting constructed. It’s huge, about the size of your typical Disneyland, maybe even bigger. It has many attractions, including a hotel for guests to stay at, multiple rides based off of various Kaiju, restauraunts and appropriately-themed food, etc. There’s even a section for particularly high-class adults to party and discuss their love for Kaiju.

           And Monsterland’s biggest attraction? Why, it’s none other than a giant statue of Godzilla himself, the biggest in existence! It’s not quite the Big G’s size, but it’s close to it, and most impressive! It even lights up to mimic his Atomic Breath!

           The project was started by our entrepreneur (dubbed C1 until I figure out an actual name) and his protégé of sorts, C2. Both are from Japan, and explain to various news outlets how their main motivation for creating Monsterland is to celebrate mutually with fans all over the world their love of Kaiju, as well as encouraging an appreciation and understanding of the creatures.

           And to do this, C1 reveals that the Grand Opening’s tickets will be set at a lower price than usual! Lo and behold, Monsterland’s reception is amazing as pre-orders and tickets are rapidly sold out in record time, with Monster fans of all ages and locales marking their calendars and plans to attend Monsterland.

           Amidst all of these reveals, we also see our typical Monarch protagonists and Zilla, who has grown since his debut (although he’s still pretty small compared to other Kaiju). Zilla ends up fighting Crustaceous Rex, a giant crustacean-cephalopod monster that emerges from the deep. Zilla manages to win and C-Rex slinks off, although it’s clear it’s formed a bit of a rivalry with Zilla now.

           Other characters include Cameron Winters- While based off of the character from the 1998 Animated series, the two are pretty different. For starters, Cameron is female, and a PoC (probably African-American). A wealthy entrepreneur, Cameron is known for her striking white hair and her cunning wit.

           Having found no one she can actually bear to marry and have children with, Cameron, feeling the desire for a protégé, has adopted a hapless orphan girl and begun to raise her as a successor of sorts. This successor (named S for now) seems reserved and well-off, but deep down she’s uncomfortable from all of the pressures placed on her and desires freedom to be herself.

           Cameron is involved with some operation of sorts that has something to do with Monsterland, and S is just there for the ride. Also introduced is a hippy-type character who wants humanity to leave the Kaiju alone and whatnot.

           As Monsterland begins to form, it becomes clear that C1 and C2 are a bit suspicious. Aside from the two tending to act very stilted and forced, Artist notices while wandering around a few weird things every now and then. At one point, she swears she hears a loud skittering noise, even as she observes other employees who are stiff like C1. She eavesdrops on large shipments of materials such as Lead, and is at one point caught sneaking by C2. She’s spared and let off, and C1 advises his protégé to leave her be, as she’s ‘just doing her job and being curious’.

           Likewise, Artist can’t complain because C1 is receptive to her art and encouraging, the first positive reception she’s gotten in a long while. Nevertheless, she takes note of what she’s noticed, even as the Hippy loudly protests outside.

           The audience soon discovers the shadiness of Monsterland. C1 is apparently buying nuclear materials, and is working with Cameron Winters (who is for the most part unknowing of his true intentions) and other compatriots such as Raul, the new leader of the Red Bamboo, to illegally capture and smuggle various Lesser Kaiju.

           Among these monsters are none other than Zilla, who gets kidnapped. Even as our Monarch protagonists try to find him, new incidents sprout up when Anguirus appears from the ocean and attacks a city!

           For some reason, Anguirus is on the attack, despite being a normally peaceful Kaiju. He rampages through the city, smashing buildings as he heads for the center… When all of a sudden, he begins moving away from the city, further in-land. Similar incidents soon sprout up, with none other than Godzilla himself appearing.

           In the wake of these attacks, everyone is talking and wondering why the two are acting strangely. Some at Monarch point out that the two Kaiju seem to be focused more on heading into the city and digging at various points, than they are at actually attacking things. Likewise, the two seem pretty careful, waiting for humans to get out of the way before moving in, and at one point Anguirus was even warded off by the military.

           We eventually get a reveal of C1 interacting with none other than Alan Jonah himself (with Artist potentially catching this). We don’t get any context to their conversation, but Jonah is apparently wary of sabotaging Humanity’s one good deed in accepting the Kaiju. However, C1 convinces him that what they’re doing will result in Humanity being properly put in its place, once and for all.

           Of course, Jonah is suspicious of C1, wondering if they have any other motives, but C1 remains adamant. He also notes that with Godzilla and Anguirus on his tail, Jonah doesn’t have much room nor time to think and be picky, and advises him to choose wisely. Jonah, weighing the situation, agrees to collaborate with C1 on his plan to ‘humble’ humanity. In return, he needs help from C1 in keeping Godzilla and Anguirus away while the plan unfolds, and C1 promises a potent ally…

           We eventually cut to Godzilla roaming the wilderness in hot-pursuit of something, apparently looking towards the sky- When all of a sudden, we hear screams. We cut to none other than a new monster- Gigan, our psycho cybernetic space-chicken!

           Gigan quickly proves his bloodlust in attacking hapless civilians, slicing apart buildings and reveling in the bloodshed. Godzilla, angered, challenges Gigan, but it doesn’t go well. Godzilla is caught off-guard by how incredibly sharp Gigan’s blades are, and the audience in-universe and out sees him bleed for the first time at Gigan’s hands.

           Gigan quickly wounds Godzilla with countless cuts, bleeding him out as he takes sadistic pleasure in the battle. Before Gigan can finish off a delirious Godzilla, however, Kong comes in and rescues him. Gigan is driven off, and the two head to the ocean. Following this, Kaiju activity spikes as other Titans begin roaming around, apparently on Kong’s orders, looking out for something…

           The film’s climax culminates when Monarch protagonists such as Mark, Madison, Nick, etc., are invited to the luxury, high-end party in Monsterland. Meanwhile, Artist notifies others in Monarch of what she’s seen and heard of, and Jonah begins coordinating his cargo towards Monsterland.

           Cue Opening Day, as lots of fun is had and so forth. Rides are ridden, games are played, toys and plushies are handed out as guests treat themselves and bond with each other over a mutual love for Kaiju. At the high-end part of Monsterland, Madison is walking around in the highly luxurious party, which is populated by typical upper-crust people. Monarch is sure this is a trap, but they have no choice if they want to know- Plus, Zilla tends to listen to Nick and Madison anyway.

           Eventually, Madison meets S, and as the two get to know each other, the big attraction for the luxury party is revealed. A giant, in-door dome opens up to reveal an arena, where captured monsters are forced to fight one another as the audience makes their bets!

           Those at Monarch are clearly revolted, watching in horror as attractions such as Queen Bee or Rhinosaurus are made to duel. Worst of all, Raul takes center-stage, revealing himself to the protagonists and happily explaining how he became the new leader of the Red Bamboo. The other party guests jeer as the protagonists are rounded up, to be thrown into the arena with one of the monsters and executed amidst a bloodthirsty audience.

           S, taking a liking to Madison, helps sneak her out of her confinement, explaining that she feels little love for Winters. Madison finds Zilla in his cage, and after comforting and calming him down, quickly notices Komodithrax, the monster who is supposed to kill her and the others.

           Komodithrax is hostile, but Zilla manages to put in a good word for his human friends with her. A bit of a plan is hatched- Meanwhile, Godzilla and Anguirus arrive to attack Jonah’s cargo. Godzilla’s nuclear breath strikes an invisible object in the sky, revealing a cloaked, giant carrier transporting something…

           The big death match between our human friends and Komodithrax arrives (after a cruel battle between Zilla and Rhinosaurus that the former wins). At first, Komodithrax seems ready to kill the protagonists as the audience jeers… But it’s just to stall and distract while S and a group of other protagonists, led by Artist, help free all of the monsters.

           The monsters break free of their captivity, causing havoc as Zilla and Komodithrax break through the dome. The party-goers scream and flee as quite a few are maimed pretty gruesomely at the hands of monsters such as Queen Bee, who is able to rapidly-fire stingers from her abdomen, or Komodithrax, who lays smokey-gas traps before lighting them into explosions with a spark of flame.

           It’s utter chaos, and as Madison and Nick direct Zilla, who helps guide the monsters to freedom with Komodithrax, the other protagonists storm the Tower of Operations, confronting C1 and C2.

           The two reveal their plans, even as the scene cuts to showing the carrier, downed by Godzilla. The two head towards it… when it breaks opens, and out comes Ghidorah himself!

           But he’s bit smaller, and weaker- He only has two heads and one tail, and can’t even generate storms! Luckily for him, he’s got back-up in the form of Gigan, who helps him fend off the duo as they head towards Monsterland.

           The visitors panic as the two monsters get closer, and automated turrets rise from the walls of the park, keeping them confined. C1, with Jonah nearby, explains how Ghidorah needs to draw from huge sources of energy to regenerate- Like a volcano, for example.

           Jonah has been slowly nursing Ghidorah back to health, but the process is taking a while and is imperfect. Thus, in comes C1, who reveals that they’ve built an incredibly powerful energy-generator at the center of the park, hidden by lead walls, right beneath the giant Godzilla statue.

           C1 explains his plan- He allegedly feels that humanity has gotten too arrogant, too buddy-buddy with the Kaiju and need to remember their place. By creating Monsterland, the ultimately symbol of humanity’s love of Kaiju, he’s gathered Monsters’ biggest fans from all across the globe… Just so they can be slaughtered by the creatures they loved- In the case of the rich people, by the Lesser Kaiju (their release was actually planned by C2 and S was acting on his orders the whole time), or by King Ghidorah himself!

           The plan is to have Gigan protect and lead Ghidorah to the energy generator in the park. Ghidorah, feeding off of the generator, will be able to fully regenerate back to his full-strength, and with Gigan’s help, he’ll slaughter all of the visitors and defeat Godzilla and eventually Kong, reclaiming his title as King of the Monsters.

           His kingship regained, Ghidorah will resume his hunt and terraforming of the planet. Humanity will fear and hate the Kaiju, with the monsters’ biggest advocates having been slaughtered in one fell-swoop by the creatures they love in a symbolic act, while the rest are hunted down. An irreversible rift will be torn between Humans and Monster, as the former’s numbers are dwindled down. Due to their newfound hatred of Monsters, humans will refuse to rely on friendlier ones like Mothra, attacking them and sealing their doom in the process.

           The protagonists are horrified, but eventually Mark calls out C1 on his alleged worship of the Kaiju, wondering if he has ulterior motives. C1 admits to this, nodding at Jonah and telling him that his use is served, and he is now free to do as he pleases. For a moment, things are at a stand-off, when one of the protagonists manages to shoot C1.

           At first, they seem fazed… But then they quickly recover. More shots are fired but C1 keeps trudging onward, unaffected. Addressing Mark, C1 offers a hint to his true motives… Even as his body violently contorts, and out sprouts a hideous, cockroach-like monster, all Nosk from Hollow Knight-style!

           C2 joins C1 as they attack the protagonists. Jonah realizes he’s made a mistake (big surprise there) and he flees with his group as they try to recoup and recover from the revelations. The protagonists try to survive, avoiding their attackers (dubbed Hunters), as other employees reveal their true natures as well.

           S is surprised by this as well, and in the chaos she groups with Winters, who isn’t aware of her involvement. Meanwhile, Zilla arrives with his little army of monsters to destroy the armed turrets, briefly finding opposition from C-Rex, who arrives from the ocean for a rematch. C-Rex and Zilla clash, even as the visitors flee just in time to avoid Ghidorah and Gigan.

           The two head straight for the Energy-generator, only for Kong to appear as Godzilla and Anguirus catch up. Cue a huge Monster battle as Monster Land is utterly destroyed. Gigan continues to show his bloodthirstiness, even as Ghidorah tries to make contact with the generator. Anguirus gets his face slashed, but Godzilla quickly shows he’s wizened up to Gigan’s act.

           Amidst it all, the human protagonists desperately try to not die as the Hunters pursue them. Zilla comes to rescue them, his battle with C-Rex inadvertently taking down a few Hunters in the process. Winters even rallies some terrified rich people into helping her take down a Hunter using an axe and a chandelier.

           The big Monster Battle with Ghidorah and Gigan VS Godzilla, Kong, and Anguirus culminates at the center of Monsterland, with the giant Godzilla statue and the Tower of Operations. The statue is utterly thrashed, thrown to the side as it slams into the Tower, and the chaos causes it to further topple.

           Back on the ground-level, C1 and C2 are caught beneath the falling debris, mortally wounded and bleeding to death. Mark explains to a dying C1 that his plan has failed; Ghidorah won’t regenerate and will be defeated before he can. Humanity will continue to love Kaiju (er, probably) due to Godzilla and others saving them to begin with. Likewise, the visitors at the Theme Park were saved, so no tragedy there!

           C1 is angry and lashes out for Mark, but he steps back as he and the others retreat, riding on Zilla’s back. C-Rex, defeated, stumbles back into the ocean, even as the other freed monsters watch the main battle at the center.

           The battle reaches a climax when the energy generator opens up, now-activated with Ghidorah’s presence. Ghidorah briefly bites onto it, drawing energy as Ichi begins to grow from between Ni and Kevin… But luckily, the other Monsters pull him away. The battle ends when Kong uses Gigan’s own buzzsaw against himself, pushing Gigan’s left-arm into his chest and severing it at the elbow.

           Wielding Gigan’s arm like a sword, Kong mortally wounds Gigan, briefly abandoning him to help the others keep away Ghidorah. Even as Gigan flees, flying into the atmosphere, Kong uses his blade to slice off Ghidorah’s legs at the kneecaps, and eventually his tail and wings. Ghidorah, immobilized, is finished off when Kong repeatedly stabs him in the back with Gigan’s blade.

           Too wounded, Ghidorah falls unconscious, and the three Kaiju celebrate their victory. The human protagonists arrive alongside Monarch reinforcements, who begin to secure Ghidorah’s unconscious body. Military reinforcements fly after Gigan, attempting to shoot him down, when a giant golden object appears in space orbiting the planet. The craft beams up Gigan and disappears, to the shock of the protagonists.

Following this, a triumphant Kong splits off from Godzilla and Anguirus, leading some of the monsters to freedom, while the rest swim with Godzilla and Anguirus out into the ocean amidst the sunrise.

           In the aftermath of it all, humanity still appreciates the Kaiju as the reasons for Godzilla and Anguirus’ attacks are explained. Winters and S settle down, evading imprisonment through a bunch of legal loopholes, as Raul escapes into the night. The remaining Hunters escape, receiving assistance from none other than Jonah and his group. The protagonists are glad humans can still co-exist with Monsters, just as Serizawa wished, and Artist gets a new job working with Monarch and its Public Relations branch.

           This is revealed at the end of the film, in news headlines credits, post-credits scenes, etc. The final post-credits scene reveals a strange, armored being sitting in a golden command-center, surrounded by some Hunters as she observes the news. Frustrated at C1 and C2’s dumb idea, noting the Controller never should’ve listened to them, she decides to take command and send in someone named Mugalu.

Additional Notes:

-Prior to the big corrupt Monster-fighting party, we see a random rich dude getting ready to go as his wife criticizes his love of Monsters, citing that it’ll get him killed or something like that. This is foreshadowing to how the upper-crust elites invited by C1 are victims themselves, with their wealthy loved ones and friends seeing their deaths and being horrified, using their influence to spread Anti-Kaiju sentiment.

-C1 briefly talks on a device with someone named ‘Zaguries’, reassuring her that the Controller’s faith in him is well-founded. The being at the end of the movie is implied to be Zaguries, who had doubts over C1’s plan.

-During the chaos when the Lesser Kaiju are released at the Monster-Fighting ring, Raul manages to survive and escape by revealing another orb-like device in his eye socket. It acts as a flashbang/grenade/smokebomb, helping cover his retreat as he escapes.

-On Gigan’s character;

           Gigan is very clearly a cruel and sadistic Kaiju, reveling in the bloodshed as he attacks cities and takes glee from mass deaths. At times, the M-Hunters have to rein him in, as he gets distracted attacking people instead of doing his actual orders. Gigan quickly proves himself a brutal fighter, being the first to make Godzilla bleed. He repeatedly attacks Godzilla up-close, using his blades to hook onto Godzilla, and not giving him time to use his nuclear breath as he tears up his enemy.

           Gigan also has the ability to fly- Thanks to his cybernetic enhancements, he can turn off his gravity, enabling him to float and fly through the sky like an eel swimming through water. Gigan still needs to have time to lift off with a running start, though.

           Ultimately, Gigan is proven to be the quintessential bully, and he flees into space after getting his butt kicked brutally by Godzilla, Kong, and Anguirus in the final battle- As a bully, he’s inherently a coward. The Earth Defense Force tries to give chase, but ultimately Gigan escapes with his tail between his legs, leaving Ghidorah behind.

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Ranking Every Krampus Movie by Krampus Lore Accuracy

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Christmas horror movies have long been one of the best parts of the festive season, and over the past decade interest in the festive beastie known as the Krampus has been on the rise. 

But who is the devilish creature? And which of the eleven feature films (of vastly varying quality) that have taken their name from the Krampus mythology are most similar to the actual ancient folklore that inspired them? 

2020 has been a year of horrors so it seems only fitting to do a deep dive investigation into this most important of Christmas horror queries so you can celebrate this year’s Krampusnacht in style and accuracy! 

The Origins of the Krampus

So the creepy European tale of the Krampus goes a little something like this: Krampus accompanies St. Nick (that’s right, Santa Claus) on his gift giving rounds, but instead of offering rewards for good kids he punishes bad ones. It adds an enticing little bit of nastiness to the classic Christmas traditions which makes it all the more understandable that it’s become such a large part of the cultural consciousness over the years. 

So what is the actual history of the Krampus and where did it first spring from? Encyclopedia Britannica gets into deeper detail, explaining that Krampus “was thought to have been part of pagan rituals for the winter solstice. According to legend, he is the son of Hel, the Norse god of the underworld. With the spread of Christianity, Krampus became associated with Christmas–despite efforts by the Catholic church to ban him. The creature and St. Nicholas are said to arrive on the evening of December 5 (Krampusnacht; “Krampus Night”). While St. Nicholas rewards nice children by leaving presents, Krampus beats those who are naughty with branches and sticks. In some cases, he is said to eat them or take them to hell.” 

Lovely. 

We wrote more about Krampus traditions here.

Mother Krampus 2: Slay Ride A.K.A. Lady Krampus (2018) 

Though it’s titled as if it’s a sequel to our next entry–which is also not about Krampus–there is little to no connection between these movies. This film has no Krampus accuracy as it is not in any way, shape, or form about Krampus. 

What it is about is a group of women who are about to finish their community service but have one last task: to visit an elderly woman and check in on her before Christmas. Turns out that she’s not the weak old lady they were expecting and instead is a slasher who loves terrorizing families and young women. Like I said, there’s no Krampus here and it’s also not a supernatural film. It is exceedingly strange, though, and features an OAP slasher suspect, which is rare. So even without the mythical creature this micro-budget murder movie might bring you some enjoyable Christmas horror chuckles during the festive season. 

Mother Krampus (2017) 

The reason that this movie is close to the very bottom of our rankings is simple. Mother Krampus isn’t actually based on the lore of Krampus at all and is instead inspired by another creepy Germainic folkloric figure known as Frau Perchta. Seeing as the Krampus is more well known, the filmmakers decided to misleadingly name this movie Mother Krampus. 

But the two creatures do share some similarities, hence why the simple but comedic OAP slasher Mother Krampus 2 takes the “prize” as our least accurate title. Frau Perchta is also not too fond of children and in the ancient myths surrounding her it’s said that “she flies through the night sky attended by an army of lost souls, including the demonic-looking Perchten, her army of servants who are visually nearly indistinguishable from Krampus. The only way to know for sure is context; Krampus rides abroad at St. Nicholas Eve while the Perchten tend more toward Epiphany, and the last three Thursdays before Christmas, also known as Berchtl nights or Knocking nights.”

This non-Krampus movie is at least a sort-of accurate version of the Frau Perchta legend and sees a town terrorized by a curse that was put on them by a woman (maybe) wrongly accused of stealing missing children. Now 25 years later, it seems like the Christmas witch, Frau Perchta, is upon them and is planning on stealing 12 children over the 12 days of Christmas. Scary stuff. 

Krampus 2: The Devil Returns (2016)

This incredibly low-budget sequel to Krampus: The Christmas Devil (more on this in a minute) centers on–like so many bad straight-to-streaming horror sequels–some useless cops. They’re searching for missing children who it seems have been stolen by Krampus, so this at least gets one point for a classic Krampus trope. 

There is a naughty list in this film too, although it’s actually held onto by the grimy mall Santa who plays a truly horrible role in this movie that is utterly unpleasant to watch. Generally this movie has little to no Krampus accuracy with most of the plot following the useless cops as they struggle to battle a gang of low level violent criminals including the grimy Santa Claus. 

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The Anti-Christmas Spirit of Krampus

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That gross Santa actually poses one of the biggest issues to the Krampus accuracy as the movie is more concerned with making a bleak festive crime flick ala Silent Night Deadly Night–but nowhere near as good–rather than making a movie about a scary folkloric figure. That’s why this one ends up near the bottom of our accuracy list, not just because it’s really not about Krampus at all but also because it’s gross, exploitative, and is more concerned with lazy “shock twists” than the story of Krampus. 

Krampus Origins (2018)

Seeing as this movie begins in WWII with Nazis trying to summon Krampus and American soldiers stealing the Krampus summoning machine, this is surely the least accurate… but shockingly, no. 

The film follows the young inhabitants of an orphanage who end up with the Krampus box. From this viewer’s perspective it’s definitely a movie that probably began life as a non-Krampus film and had the folkloric figure hamfistedly added at a later date because Krampus barely makes an appearance. Also, does this title imply that these are the origins of the Krampus? Because that doesn’t make any sense, seeing as the box summons him from his ancient world, so he clearly already had origins there that are not explored here at all!

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The Christmas Chronicles 2: Who or What is the Belsnickel?

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Despite the fact this is mostly a not very entertaining film about ye olde depressed kids in an even more depressing orphanage, like most of our other entries the 2018 film does stick to two key Krampus lore points: the Krampus (briefly) featured here does love to hunt kids and has big scary horns. His arrival is also heralded by an enigmatic child called Nicholas, which seems like it’s a reference to Krampus’ connection to St. Nicholas, but maybe we’re being too generous. 

Krampus Unleashed (2016)

Apparently the idea of the Krampus just appearing each Krampusnacht and terrorizing local kiddies is a bit too much for filmmakers to stomach as this is the second movie in our list that includes a very specific plot line about Krampus being trapped in the past and then freed by Americans. Here, though, he’s freed by a group of prospectors who at the open are looking for the mythical treasure of Eric Klaus. They come to a very gnarly end at the claws of the old Krampus who is looking very much like a goat-man here which is a step up from the usual red horned devil representations we’ve gotten in some of the other Krampus movies. 

Alas, this is otherwise pretty light on Krampus-accurate lore as we spend most of the runtime with a family having some Hallmark-esque Christmas gathering in a desert ranch. For most of the movie the Krampus seems to be controlled / represented by a magical orange shiny rock which doesn’t appear in any lore we’ve seen but is a smart way to keep the budget low.

Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013)

A voiceover gives us a slightly confusing rundown of Krampus history as we venture into this micro-budget movie. Apparently in this world Krampus is St. Nicholas’ brother which is definitely not the case in any Krampus lore we read about. But we do get to see Krampus putting a naughty kid into a sack and then trying to drown them which is both brutal but also pretty accurate for Krampus lore. The creature also has some solid claws and has a naughty list which he uses to find the bad girls and boys that he has to kill. Krampus: The Christmas Devil is also the only movie in our list that specifies that Krampus has just one night to do his terrible deeds. 

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DuckTales Season 3 Episode 18 Review: How Santa Stole Christmas!

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How Darlene Love Brings the Holiday Spirit and Soul to The Christmas Chronicles 2

By Tony Sokol

In this film’s defense, it does have more Krampus action in its opening than some of the films on this list do in their entire runtime, and it makes use of some good weird out-of-license Krampus art during the opening and credits. 

But after the first few minutes we get sucked into a boring crime story about (you guessed it!) useless cops trying to find kids that the Krampus has apparently stolen. When Krampus does pop up in brief moments throughout the film, he’s killing anyone who gets in his way, losing the spirit of the Krampus Christmas. Plus, the original folklore doesn’t have any mention of cops let alone an entire Krampus duology of low-budget movies centered on them. 

Krampus: The Reckoning (2015)

This one begins with a solid retelling of the Krampus legend which makes it one of the most Krampus-heavy offerings in our list. According to this flick, Krampus is as old as time itself and as the grandma warns her child “as Santa rewards good children, Krampus punishes the bad.” Which is all very true! Congrats creepy, horror grandma! 

Interestingly, this film adds in a weird Krampus voodoo doll which is created by a young girl so she can wield the power of the monster against those who do her wrong. In a non-lore but still entertaining twist, the Krampus here is essentially a Jason Voorhees-style killer who just murders everyone including beginning with an abusive couple who’ve been having some pre-marital sex. On the naughty list you go!

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The big change from the legend is that Krampus is controlled and summoned by a little girl who uses the monster to exact revenge on adults who harm children. So ironically this one would have been better under the title Krampus: The Avenger. Revenge movies are fun, but even though there’s some good “what is Krampus” wiki moments, that big twist means this one slides down the Krampus accuracy rating pretty quickly. 

A Christmas Horror Story (2015)

This freaky and festive anthology is a whole lot of fun and includes an interesting visual representation of Krampus. To really get into this entry would be to ruin its secrets, but on the surface it’s about Santa Claus as he battles his elves and Mrs. Claus who have been turned into nightmarish zombies. During the finale, Santa battles the Krampus who is definitely one of the best and most interesting versions that we’ve seen on screen: a true representation of the half-goat half-man creature that we’re all desperate to see. 

This is a really cool Christmas anthology that utilizes the Krampus in an interesting way that adds to the story, even if when all’s said and done we can’t say that this is a wholly accurate Krampus movie. 

Krampus: The Avenger A.K.A. Krampus vs. Vikings (2019)

This historical horror entry is at moments surprisingly “accurate” (well, at least as far as Krampus movies go). 

Set in England during 820, the film centers around a Viking troupe trying to take over the castle of the British king. But their plans are waylaid by a demonic horned beast who lives in the forest and comes each “Yule Day” to kill families. This isn’t technically correct as Krampusnacht is usually on December 5th, the night before St. Nicholas Day on December 6th, plus Krampus is usually most interested in stealing/harming children rather than whole families. But early on in the movie we see Krampus talking about the naughty list, which gains the movie another accuracy point, and visually the practical effects heavy Krampus looks relatively like the creature we all know and fear, although it’s arguably more like a standard devil than a half-goat half-man beast. 

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Just like the majority of this list, Krampus the Avenger is a super low budget movie that is mostly concerned with the easy to shoot action of the Vikings and the royal family and less so with the Krampus. In fact, I would go so far to say this likely could have been a random Game of Thrones style knock-off that added a few Krampus reshoot moments… but that’s just a guess. Either way, the miniscule but present Krampus storyline is more accurate to the lore than usual until it gets lost in a strange wishing / vengeance / murder twist which makes little to no sense. 

Krampus (2015)

A modern Christmas horror classic, Krampus is truly a joy to watch. With an all-star cast featuring Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, and Allison Tolman, this dark comedy is all about that titular creature even if it strays a little from the classical lore. 

When a family gathers for Christmas, their stress, tension, and bitterness around the season begins to seep into their celebrations which comes to a head when the young son tears up his letter to Santa and throws it outside. It’s a mistake that will change all their lives forever as it summons the Krampus, a huge blizzard, and a nightmarish evening they’ll never forget.

This Krampus looks just how you’d expect the beast too, with huge horns and ghoulish goat hooves. But a big change in his motivations means that this Krampus is sent out to punish those who have lost the Christmas spirit, which is very different from dragging bad kids to hell or whipping them with sticks. Saying that, the entire family is objectively very badly behaved and really deserves the punishment the Krampus gives them. The final twist also strays from Krampus lore but is really creepy and overall this is a magnificent example of a Krampus tale. 

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Ironically, the film that feels closest to the origins of the Krampus doesn’t use the word Krampus once. It’s also one of the best films on our list, so if you haven’t seen this cult horror hit now is the perfect time. Rare Exports does feature a horned beast but here he’s known only as Santa Claus and is only ever seen frozen in a block of ice, which to be honest makes him even scarier. Directed by Jalmari Helander, this creepy classic begins when the local people of a small Finnish province which is thought to be home to the original Santa Claus, Joulupukki (which translates as Yule Goat), discover something incredibly strange. Their entire town was built on an ancient burial ground used to trap a strange ancient horned creature…

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The legends of Joulupukki and Krampus are incredibly similar, though the most interesting difference–which the film plays on–is that rather than being St. Nick’s helper, Joulupukki is the original Santa Claus. While we don’t get too deep into Krampus lore here, there is an evil horned beast, kids in peril, multiple evil Santa-type figures, and some good chilly Christmas horror. If you want something that lives up to the creepiness of the Krampus, and adds lore and depth to the story you already know, then Rare Exports is the ultimate Krampus movie pick. 

The post Ranking Every Krampus Movie by Krampus Lore Accuracy appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[movienews516]

Hello! My friends from back in the day, what is going on with you in  2020?  What is going on with the business, how did I come across  it, what are you doing here, why am I involving you, so let’s  Get that, done.  You know we had a lot of African American friends coming by the practice area, when we had Warehouse Value,  and we drifted into the category of Reggae, but, since their is a  copyright issue here and there, I figured, my stake in all of this  is to just, apply my political sympathies, or my cultural feelings  about, “White Washing” in Hollywood, and let it be so their is  a record of my voicing my grievances towards this. “Buddha’s Final Form”,  yes, I wrote this song, but I gave no  consent to have it released.  This doesn’t suit my business deals  because I took the term from a martial arts movie, and whatever, I know who the actresses are, I can name them because I have  a fairly well read, summation of “Xenon”, “Wu-tang cinema”,  and so, I am not, necessarily going to apply any red tape against using this song, now, because it is not the use of it that  bothers me, as opposed, to, “it” being taken in a direction  that is not well read on the subject matter. I don’t necessarily condone it being used in the idiom it is in,  because I know “Hsu Feng”, and “Michelle Yeoh”, took pictures  together, and not using the name “Hsu Feng’, I originally didn’t  want to use her name, because I wanted to say, ‘you used my  song, that was named after a film, which you probably didn��t  know the name of, and you don’t know any of the actors are, you shouldn’t of did it and now look where you are”, but alas,  I had some issues with my older sister, when I wrote you a  letter, the e-mail version of this.   My older sister came to the house and stuck an erroneous  letter in my mail box, from Ohio, about my father, and her boyfriend who is on your friend list, e-mailed my younger sister.  I am  mad about your unread approach, to my affinity towards the  woman of Martial Arts Cinema, dismissive and truant, but my  sister was there at that time, and as I was writing it she creeped up on us, and put this weird thing about my father in our mail  which, makes me feel, she had a negative effect on you  during our upbringing.   Maybe her being there, effected the martial arts movie  experience, to the effect, my perceived “white washing” by you  was in fact, a certain sense of reproach towards the dragon,  (Marjorie was born in 1976, year of the dragon) sleeping in my basement, and that maybe a reason we didn’t get a long.   I noticed the timing, and so I am unsure what to say,  I certainly do say a lot, I know, but I am willing to work at it, and I intend  to work at it.   I don’t think you look bad, for using these songs titles, and not  knowing anything about martial arts movies because I feel like the Wu-tang Clan who used these films, was kind of a, lets shall we  say, “complicit idiom’ in terms of not giving anything for people  to hang on to, as though it was a “Make Your Own Damn Movie’  thing that Lloyd Kaufman has put out.  I have a book that cites  Michelle Yeoh, and Ziji Zhang’s effort with Ang Lee, as certain  type, of idiom that didn’t give any up and coming film makers  anything to “grab on to’ in order to get in the industry. I’ve been kind of unhappy with Michelle and Z for a while, but  I don’t harbor anything that I can get rid of?  You know, I like to  get rid of negative energy, if possible, and being magnetically  attracted to the franchise, doesn’t suit me, since I usually get  tangled up in the fishing nets of red tape, which separates fans from celebrities, that can be found at talent agency’s and big  Hollywood premiers.    So, I feel as though, I am going to be getting something by  bringing all of this to you.  I don’t like to answer questions about my family business, it would be very devastating, if you were  overly interested in gossipy family stuff, rather than the things  that I’ve laid out, which, consists of artistry and analyzing the  ability of moving up in the industry.  I don’t want to answer  questions about anything personal, dealing with my family  except to say, my sister, is very malevolent, and securing these  things for you, in the industry helped me dodge her attempt  at upsetting the serenity down here, because I have my films secured.   I feel like, I am not going to be heard, as someone who wants to make movies, and my only possible chance at receiving any commendable exhilaration, is by being a social worker in the industry and I am quite leery of being filed as a “gossip hag”  of sorts.  Throw away the art, and delve into the soccer mom, talk.  That fear that I have, trumps any fear of losing a copyright  claim, to “Buddhas Final Form’, because my direction, and  my aim, is being pulled back by a mysterious force, in  exchange for keeping an audience with you and entertaining the stuff you like.   This really gives Ziji Zhang and Michelle Yeoh a blank check,  I think, when I am doing stuff like learning blender, and trying to  use self taught C.G.I< for my work. we have a misunderstanding which puts them in a higher realm of affluence, where I trace  back to ancient times, like the release of “House of Flying Daggers”,  and remembering how what makes the film enjoyable is the  fact that it’s a departure from the soccer mom rhetoric.  

[newstechreviews]

There are many reasons you might be familiar with Jordan Fisher. Gen Z-ers might remember him from Disney Channel’s Liv and Maddie and Teen Beach Movie. Broadway fans know him for his role as John Laurens/Philip Hamilton in Lin-Manuel Miranda‘s hit musical Hamilton, and for appearing in Grease Live! and Rent: Live. Nearly two million video gamers have watched him stream Fortnite with the gaming platform Twitch, and audiences watched him sparkle and shimmy his way to victory on Dancing With the Stars in 2017.

Now, with a role in Netflix’s To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You as a love interest for Lara Jean Covey (Lana Condor), Fisher can add bonafide heartthrob to this growing collection of varied credits. That’s as long as viewers don’t revolt when his character, the suave and intellectual John Ambrose McClaren, steals the spotlight from Noah Centineo’s Peter Kavinsky.

When To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before hit Netflix in 2018, it quickly became a breakout among Netflix’s slate of romantic comedies like Set It Up and The Kissing Booth. Though the streamer is typically tight-lipped about its metrics, Netflix cited To All the Boys as one of its “most viewed original films ever with strong repeat viewing,” according to Variety. Lara Jean and Peter’s budding romance is at the heart of the film, which is based on Jenny Han’s YA novels of the same name. The two enter into a faux relationship to make others jealous — specifically, Peter’s ex and Lara Jean’s older sister’s boyfriend. Shock of all shocks, the “fake” relationship eventually gives way to something real, and the movie’s swoon-worthy, knee-bending final kiss is one for the rom-com books.

John Ambrose McClaren is the ‘marrying type’

To All the Boys 2, out Feb. 12 ahead of Valentine’s Day, has the tough job of convincing viewers that Peter might not actually be perfect. In an early scene in which the couple has their first date at an upscale restaurant, Peter explains that fancy place settings have two forks in case you drop one. He then knocks one of his forks onto the ground, the wrong move at a moment when Lara Jean is earnestly excited about her first-ever real date. Cringe.

This establishes an opportunity for Fisher’s John Ambrose to swoop in. In an unexplained coincidence, John Ambrose — one of Lara Jean’s former crushes who mistakenly received a private love letter in the first film — starts volunteering with her at a nursing home, after Peter blew off his girlfriend’s volunteer work to go elsewhere with his jock friends. As it turns out, Lara Jean’s unrequited crush on her childhood best friend wasn’t unrequited at all. Though Peter may be a popular athlete with charm to spare, John Ambrose loves Model U.N., hanging out with elderly folks and playing the piano. It’s the perfect love story…or isn’t it?

Fisher, 25, has a certain level of respect for John Ambrose, whom he sees as a different kind of prospect for Lara Jean. “Peter Kavinsky in high school and college is pretty great, but John Ambrose is the marrying type,” the actor, who is himself engaged to his longtime childhood friend, told TIME in an email.

Viewers seemed to agree with that sentiment. Within hours of the film’s release, Twitter was ablaze with John Ambrose fever.

think it’s safe to say, the world is now in love with john ambrose mcclaren AND jordan fisher now #ToAlltheBoys2 pic.twitter.com/47V3hjMcat

— cynthia⁷ 💌 psisly spoilers (@bcrstens) February 12, 2020

As fans inevitably debate the pros and cons of the great John Ambrose vs. Peter Kavinsky match-up, Fisher will be focusing his attention on another love story unfolding in front of a live audience, in his third week starring in the Broadway blockbuster Dear Evan Hansen at New York’s Music Box Theatre.

‘The whole idea as an actor is that you disappear’

In Dear Evan Hansen, Fisher plays an extremely anxious high schooler who gets caught in a web of lies that threatens every relationship in his life. The show’s plot, which involves teen suicide, is devastating at times. Evan Hansen and John Ambrose are entirely dissimilar characters, as are the tones of the two projects. Fisher says that challenge is part of his passion as a performer. “That’s film and that’s Broadway and that’s acting and that’s creating. The whole idea as an actor is that you disappear,” Fisher told TIME, hours before taking the stage on Wednesday evening. “If anybody gets to see both the film and Dear Evan Hansen, yeah, it’s going to be a bit of a culture shock for them, but that’s the goal as an actor to create that separation.”

Nathan JohnsonJordan Fisher as Evan Hansen in ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ on Broadway

“The complexity of this boy is akin to climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro,” Fisher said of playing Evan Hansen in a press release ahead of his opening last month. His casting also makes history as he is the first person of color to headline the Tony-winning show in its titular role, which Ben Platt originated in 2015.

Fisher considers himself a ‘renaissance man’

Before his big break (or breaks, depending on whom you ask), Fisher moved to L.A. from his hometown of Birmingham, Ala., quickly earning roles on Nickelodeon’s iCarly and ABC Family’s The Secret Life of the American Teenager at 17 years old. Fisher admits that in the years since, his varying resume of work on TV, in theater and the music industry (he began releasing original music in 2014 and is featured on the Moana soundtrack) have positioned him as “renaissance man.” Just take his Twitter bio, for instance, which reads: “actor. recording artist. gamer. streamer. songwriter. lots of other things.”

That he’s a “gamer” is perhaps the most renaissance-man-like trait of them all, in a very modern sort of way. Like 2019 TIME 100 honoree Ninja, Fisher is among the most well-known faces of the rapidly growing video game streaming industry, which is essentially the gamer’s version of online influencing. He is partnered with Twitch, a live stream service that allows fans around the world to watch their favorite celebrities play, and is known to use his singing and dancing skills to his advantage online, entertaining with more than just his gaming skills. Fans pay for a monthly subscription to watch Fisher’s streams without advertisements and for some other perks.

Epic Games, which owns Fortnite, clearly noticed his wide appeal. Last month, Fortnite created a new “emote,” a dance that characters can do within the game, based on a dance he had posted on TikTok. The company also tapped him to host the first Fortnite World Cup last summer.

Dropping into Emote Royale with my new emote! Enter the contest and you could get your own emote too. #EmoteRoyaleContest @FortniteGame @tiktok_us https://t.co/7ECMjAF5Ed pic.twitter.com/N6rgxcZfJB

— Jordan Fisher (@Jordan_Fisher) January 18, 2020

Though he will be plenty busy during the rest of his 16-week run on Broadway, gaming remains a huge passion and important benchmark of his career. “To me, art is art, and entertainment is entertainment, and I have crafted a world in the last 16 years of doing this where I’ve never really had to pick one thing over the other, and thankfully I love all of the things that I do,” he said.

Sitting at this curious and unique intersection of fame, Fisher said he’s enjoyed bringing together all of his interests. And the fact that all of his pursuits include people from such different backgrounds — the video gaming, musical theater and rom-com communities don’t typically overlap — is especially exciting for him. He asks: “Where video gaming is concerned, it has always incorporated art, film, acting and music, so why can’t that belong in the same space as Broadway and rom-coms?”

Fisher hopes that by refusing to pick one art form, he can pique different interests within his varying demographics of fans. “The fact that the gaming community is actually interested in what I’m doing in all my other spaces, whether it be music or Broadway or film or television, it just helps with the narrative and it’s exciting for me, especially as somebody that’s a fan of all of it, as well,” he said.

[bnrobertson1]

“It made our trials seem smaller” BRMR #15: The Straight Story

You can’t throw an internet rock without hitting an article about the greatness of 1999 film. And with good reason. Between the emergence of new talent (Spike Jonze) to the ascension of some of our most lauded artists (P. T. Anderson, David O. Russell), the year was filled with great filmmakers making great fiction. And that statement wouldn’t even reflect my personal favorite film of the year, American Movie. Those who whined there was nothing good at the multiplexes- and there’s always more-than-enough of those bags o’ fun around- look like unimaginative Philistines in retrospect.  

And then there was The Straight Story.

Until very recently (August 2019ish?), I could have sworn to you I had never even heard of the existence of this movie. Which… well, whatever, hundreds of thousands titles wear that definition comfortably. But none of them were directed by Mr. Eraserhead himself, David Lynch, as The Straight Story was*.

[Like 99% of the internet, I’m a big David Lynch fan. One that wrote extensively about him a decade ago, and whose interest has only intensified and enriched in the days since. I would argue there are few artists are responsible for American art’s evolution as Mr. Lynch, but that is a for another piece. Just know I like David Lynch for most of the same reasons others do.]    

Between the masterpieces about the female orgasm, the genre-smashing television series, and the reclamation-in-the-name-of-cool of PBR, few artists define “weird” as acutely as David Lynch. His name is so closely associated with the grotesque yet alluring that it has literally become a synonym for it. And while I’m not watching-blu-rays-backwards obsessive about the director, I am a big enough fan to at least know his strange-stuffed filmography by heart.

Or so I thought until I read about the existence of The Straight Story, barely mentioned as a lesser-film in one of the bigger 1999 retrospectives. Even though it was made in between Lost Highway* and the aforementioned Mulholland Drive, The Straight Story does not fit into the “David Lynch is the weirdest dude on the planet” narrative. At all. Whatsoever. And that’s the exact reason self-described film-geeks like your’s truly don’t know it- and the exact reason why we should.

*My pick for the film that best captures Lynch’s philosophical dance with the bizarre  

The Straight Story features very few Lynchian qualities. There is virtually no violence, no perverse close-ups of bloody, loose limbs, and no suddenly naked, screaming femme fatales. It doesn’t even feature a curse word. It’s literally G-rated, which is the first thing that makes you think this must be some other David Lynch. This must be a case where you’re mixing up one Paul Anderson with Paul Anderson.

Alas, nope. It’s the same David Lynch. So, prelude over, how is Chief Cole’s G-rated foray into sentimental Americana for mass-consumption?

As profoundly gorgeous as any film in recent memory.

How, exactly, did this happen? How did Lovecraft’s metaphorical son produce one of the most genuinely warm and moving films I’ve ever seen? By staying true to himself, of course. While The Straight Story’s story, a based-on-truth tale of an aging man driving a riding lawn mower to visit his ailing brother, is about as far as narratively possible from the intentionally convoluted works with which Lynch is most oft identified, watching the film it becomes obvious that it is still the same director. The lushness of detail where art, and life, really come to life is unmistakably DL. No, there is no 60s icon sucking on a mysterious gas; there is, however, a deer-loving woman who constantly finds herself hitting them with her car on her way to work. While there are no focused-upon phones or boxes that represent chaos, there are a pair of hot pink gloves at a greasy spoon prominently displayed at a turning point. Instead of beer being discussed, a “grabber” is. There is no starlet’s naked body filling its frames with detached beauty, just the grace of some of the best crop-porn the Midwest has ever produced. The lead performance* doesn’t give pause because of its nuanced complexity- it gives pause because of its deeply-rooted earnestness. While it is purposefully lacking in the detached irony of many of Lynch’s most celebrated works, it more than compensates with knotless empathy of rare fidelity.              

*Richard Farnsworth, who was nominated for Best Actor, would lose to Kevin Spacey and his performance in American Beauty, a candidate to take Film that Has Aged Worst in the Last 20 Yearsaway from Revenge of the Nerds

To close, I wanted to discuss a question that has been mentally looming since my misty eyes found the “Eject” button as the end credits rolled: would I have liked this film nearly as much as I did were it not directed by The One David Lynch, aka MR. BELOVED* AMERICAN AUTEUR? The short answer is “no,” but not for the reasons you might presume. At 36, I’m confidence enough in my tastes to like a piece of art that is not made by some universally-lauded artiste. I think I would have liked The Straight Story quite a bit for its meditative and kind qualities. For the way it looks at the goodness of the human race, and life itself. For its frame-worthy cinematography and great leading performance. For the way it methodically builds to its ending, one of the most soulful I can remember seeing on celluloid. Ironically, I could see me thinking some of the stranger details, such as some of the turns of phrase or the entirety of Sissy Spacek’s character, coming across like a film school imitation of the Lynchian aesthetic, implying some sort of warped commentary about the America we see versus what it really is (whatever the hell that may mean). But it wasn’t some star-gazing film student who made this film- it is the OG himself, the one with the filmography of dark, beautiful delights. And it is the images of darkness that Lynch has conjured that makes the light he brings simultaneously stunning and moving (somehow). Lynch typically rhapsodizes about America and the nature of existence in his films- The Straight Story is no different with a point no less substantial, except instead of commanding the alienating to make his point, he utilizes the inviting. The really odd thing is that this sweetly-natured side of Lynch has never really been hidden. It has been in the interviews** he gives, the passion he talks about transcendental meditation, even the character he plays from Twin Peaks. Sure, they’re weird, but they have a genuine, boyish enthusiasm for life that is impressionable in the best ways imaginable. Art is not in a vacuum and it’s impossible to act like it is and that should also apply to evaluation. What The Straight Story lacks in its creator’s typical irony and complexity it more than makes up for with a surprising light of endless warmth and beauty*. Break out your grabber and pick up a copy. Not only is it itself a masterpiece, it makes all of its master’s works shine even brighter. Grade: A+***

*For the minute, at least

**You’ve never seen a man say GEE GOLLY! and similar 50s sentiments so genuinely and lively.

***My inspiration for this piece was born out of a quote from the film. While discussing his estranged brother with a hospitable stranger, Alvin talks about how the two of them would stare at the stars together in the cold and comfort one another. “It made our trials seem smaller.” I couldn’t figure out a way to weave this into this piece, but I feel an obligation to point out my awe of that sentence’s structure and sentiment. About as beautiful as it gets. Maybe I can sneak it in the title somehow…    

[weekendwarriorblog]

WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND August 30, 2019  - Labor Day Blahs

I was trying to decide whether to do one of these this week, because it’s Labor Day weekend, and this is likely to be a particularly short column because I HAVEN’T SEEN ANYTHING! In fact, I’m not even doing my regular Box Office Preview column over at The Beat, because there just doesn’t seem to be much point to it. There used to be a time when studios would release movies over the four-day holiday weekend but not so much anymore, and this is a particularly weak Labor Day with no new movies opening in 1,000 theaters or more. No, it’s more about reexpanding movies already in theaters like Spider-Man: Far from Home in order to try to make more money before the summer is over.  But if this is boring, you can also read my 2019 Summer Box Office wrap-up over at The Beat.

The only new “wide” release is BH Tilt’s latest release DON’T LET GO, a thriller directed by Jacob Estes (Rings) and starring David Oyelowo and Storm Reid from A Wrinkle in Time, and it’s not even opening in 1,000 theaters. It might not even get into the top 10.  Apparently, BH Tilt is now going as “OTL Releasing” but I don’t think this movie has as much buzz as Leigh Whannell’s Upgrade, released by Blumhouse’s distribution branch in June 2018 to make $4.7 million opening weekend and $14.4 million total domestic. I don’t see Don’t Let Goopening that big as its plot is far vaguer, and I think if this make more than $4 million over the four-day holiday, it would be considered a coup since it’s only playing in less than 1,000 theaters. Who knows? I might even go see it on a lark.

Interestingly, there are two foreign language films from other countries (because as hard as it might be to believe, they speak other languages in other countries!) getting moderate releases this weekend: Sujeeth’s Bollywood action-thriller SAAHO (Yash Raj Films) and from Mexico, Ariel Winograd’s Spanish language TOD@S CAEN released by Lionsgate’s LatinX division Pantelion Films. I will be the first to admit that I’m not the best person to gauge interest in either movie because they’re not my communities, so I rarely see much marketing for these films.

Opening on Thursday, Saaho actually looks pretty cool, and if I can find three hours of time over Labor Day, I might actually check it out. It’s being released in three languages versions: Hindi, Telugu and Tamil, all with English subtitles, and that seems very groundbreaking, and it will also be in IMAX theaters. This could be another hit for Yash Raj ala the “Dhoom” series—Dhoom 3 opened with $3.4 million in 239 theaters in 2013 -- and possibly the studio’s widest release since 2018’s Thugs of Hindostan.

Check out the Hindi trailer below:

(Oddly, Saaho was supposed to be released on India’s Independence Day August 15, but then was pushed back to American Labor Day. Bollywood films tend to get day and date releases nationwide to avoid piracy.)

Tod@s Caen (pronounced “todos caen” – don’t yell at me! It wasn’t my idea!) stars Omar Chapparo, the hot Mexican star from Pantelion’s hits No manches Frida and its sequel plus How to Be a Latin Lover. No manches Frida grossed about $11.5 million after its $4.6 million opening over Labor Day in 2016 while the sequel opened slightly bigger this past March but grossed less. Latin Lover was a huge crossover success for Chapparo and Pantelion, grossing $32.1 million.  This is likely to be more in the former category and opening in 365 theaters, it probably can make around $3 million or more.

STREAMING AND CABLE

There aren’t many movies I can recommend, but at least I can recommend the new Netflix series THE DARK CRYSTAL: THE AGE OF RESISTANCE, which is a prequel to the 1982 Jim Henson movie that was made quite lovingly using the same puppeteering techniques as well as some of the same designers from the original movie. Plus the series has an absolutely brilliant voice cast that includes Taron Egerton, Helena Bonham-Carter, Anya Taylor-Joy, Alicia Vikander, Sigourney Weaver, Natalie Dormer, Lena Headey, Jason Isaacs, Theo James, Mark Strong, Toby Jones, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Simon Pegg and many, many more. As someone who wasn’t really a fan of the original movie, I found myself quite wrapped up in this series, having watched the first five episodes so far, and I think fans and non-fans alike will dig it.

You can read my interview with the writers over at The Beat.

(Netflix is also releasing a movie called Falling In Love, starring Christina Millan and Adam Demos... but that title... I just can’t!

Amazon Prime will begin streaming its own fantasy series, the very different Carnival Row, starring Orlando Bloom and Cara Delevingne, on Friday. It’s a steampunk noir crime series in which Bloom is an inspector trying to solve some Jack the Ripper style murders of the city’s fae and puck population, fantastical creatures who act as the city’s slave labor. I didn’t enjoy this nearly as much as it just doesn’t feel like my kind of thing even though I do love Victorian era stuff usually. I think it just hasn’t found its footing in the couple episodes I’ve seen. I also interviewed a few of the actors which will be on The Beat later today.

LIMITED RELEASES

Okay, I definitely lied as I’ve also seen Kim Farrant’s ANGEL OF MINE (Lionsgate), an amazing psychological drama starring Noomi Rapace as a woman whose daughter died but whom thinks that her neighbor’s daughter is actually her own. Also starring Yvonne Strahovski, Luke Evans and Richard Roxburgh, this mostly Australian film is actually a little like the recent After the Weddingin terms of the strangeness of its premise but it’s handled more like a thriller and Rapace gives another stirring performance. It will be in select cities starting Friday, and I recommend checking it out, especially if, like me, you’re a long-time fan of Ms. Rapace.

Never got around to seeing Gavin Hood’s new movie OFFICIAL SECRETS (IFC Films), because I’m such a fan of Keira Knightley, and in this one she plays Katharine Gun, a British intelligence specialist handling classified information in the lead-up to the Iraq War in 2003. She receives a shocking memo from the NSA seeking help in collecting information on UN Security Council members to blackmail them into supporting an invasion of Iraq.

Hannah Pearl Utt’s BEFORE YOU KNOW IT (1091) stars the co-writer/director as stage manager Rachel Gurner who lives in her childhood apartment with her sister Jackie (Jen Tullock), father Mel (Mandy Patinkin) and preteen niece Dodge (Oon Yaffe) above the theater they own and operate. After a tragedy, the two sisters find out their mother, long thought dead (Judith Light) is still alive working on soap operas and they need to come to terms with that. The movie also stars Mike Colter and Alec Baldwin and it opens in select cities.

Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst also has a new movie as director, a thriller called THE FANATIC (Quiver Distribution), starring Devon Sawa from Final Destination and John Travolta. Travolta plays movie fan Moose who is obsessed with his favorite action hero Hunter Dunbar, played by Sawa. With the help of his paparazzi photographer friend Leah (Ana Golja), Moose tries to find Moose as his interactions with the celebrity become more dangerous as Moose becomes more obsessed.

Liam Hemsworth from “The Hunger Games” stars in Malik Bader’s Killerman (Blue Fox Studios) as a New York money launderer who wants to find answers after waking up with no memory and with millions in cash and drugs, as he’s chased by a team of dirty cops. The movie also stars Emory Cohen, Diane Guerrero (“Orange is the New Black”) and Suraj Sharma from Life of Pi, and it’s getting a small theatrical release in select cities.

Now playing at New York’s Film Forum is Marjoline Boonstra’s doc The Miracle of the Little Prince (Film Movement) which looks at the sustained global popularity of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s The Little Prince in the eight decades since it was first published.

Opening in IMAX theaters Thursday and then nationwide Sept 6 is the Chinese animated film Ne Zha (WELL Go) about a young boy with superpowers who must decide between good and evil.

There’s a couple other things but I’m so behind for the weekend that I’m done.

REPERTORY

A few rep things to mention before we get to the regular theaters. The Wachowski’s original The Matrix will be celebrating its 20thanniversary with a rerelease across the nation in Dolby theaters, so I’ll be seeing that Thursday night. The Alamo in Brooklyn is also screening a special 70mm print of Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo, and that’s where I’ll be on Saturday.

METROGRAPH (NYC):

On Friday, the Metrograph will begin screening a 35mm print of Eric Roehmer’s 1986 film Le Rayon Vert, but there lots of series continiung through the weekend including the “Shaw Sisters” series which is fairly interesting so far. Angie Chen’s Maybe It’s Love (1984) plays again on Thursday evening –that’s a weird one—and Ann Hui’s Starry Is the Night (1988) will play tomorrow and Sunday and a few others. If you want to see a weird and really bad but very funny horror film, you have to check out Angela Mak’s The Siamese Twins on Saturday night, plus there’s a few more I haven’t seen. The Metrograph has also expanded its “Godard/Karina Late Nights” series so that you can see Alphaville (1965) and Pierrot Le Fou (1965), both beloved classics, through the weekend, as well as this weekend’s offering to the series, 1962’s Vivre Sa Vie. This week’s Late Nites at Metrograph  is Leo Carax’sHoly Motors (2012) and Satoshi Kon’s Perfect Blue but you can also see the late Japanese filmmaker’s excellent Paprika (2006) through the weekend, as well. This weekend’s Playtime: Family Matinees  is another Ray Harryhausen classic, 1963’s Jason and the Argonauts.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

The New Bev ends its month of mostly showing Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood before returning to repertory fare next week, but its Weds. matinee is the 1953 Western comedy Calamity Jane, this weekend’s KIDDEE MATINE is Disney’s The Ugly Dachsund (1966) starring Dean Jones, and then on Monday, you have two chances to see Michael Mann’s 1995 crime-thriller Heat, although you’ll have to see it at 9:30AM cause the usual 2pm matinee is sold out.

AERO  (LA):

Thursday begins a “Sellers and Southern Double Feature” series (?) of Dr. Strangelove (1964) with The Magic Christian (1969), Friday is a double feature of 1999’s Office Space with Kevin Smith’s Clerks(1994) and then on Saturday is a Mad Max TRIPLE Feature of the first three movies: Mad Max (1979), The Road Warrior (1982) and Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985). Sunday is a special screening of Thom Anderson’s 2003 film Los Angeles Plays Itself, and Monday begins Aero’s “Heptember Matinees” series as in Katherine Hepburn, and it kicks off with 1940’s The Philadelphia Story.

FILM FORUM (NYC):

Marty and Jay’s Double Features runs through next Thursday and there are one or two of these double features every day with a mix of classics and esoteric and rare stuff. You can click on the link to see all that’s playing.

FILM AT LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

“Make My Day: American Movies in the Age of Reagan” continues up at Lincoln Center through Tuesday with highlights like Robocop, David Cronenberg’s Videodrome, Scorsese’s The King of Comedy and The Last Temptation of Christ, Conan the Barbarian, First Blood and more.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

This week’s Weekend Classics: Staff Picks Summer 2019 is the original, classic King Kong, while Waverly Midnights: Staff Picks Summer 2019 is Office Space (1999) and Russ Meyers’ Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970). Late Night Favorites: Summer 2019 is Aliens, Suspiria and Eraserhead, just in case you missed any of those the dozen other times they’ve been shown.

BAM CINEMATEK (NYC):

Saturday’s “Beyond the Canon” offering is a double feature of Haifaa Al-Mansour’s Wadja from 2012 and Wim Wender’s 1974 film Alice in the Cities. BAM is also showing the second part of its “Programmers Notebook: On Memory”  with offerings like Terrence Malick’s The Tree of Life, Christopher Nolan’s Memento, Kurosawa’s Rashomon, Sarah Polley’s Stories We Tell, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (of course) and more!

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

“See It Big! 70mm” will screen Steven Spielberg’s Ready Player One on Friday and Saturday evenigs but ALSO, they’re showing one of my favorite comedies It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963) in 70mm on Saturday afternoon.

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

Tonight and Sunday, the Roxy is showing the 1965 film Juliet of the Spirits. On Saturday, the theater is showing Agnes Varda’s 1965 film Le Bonheur.

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

This week’s Friday night midnight film is Miyazaki’s Spirited Away.

This weekend, the Egyptianin L.A. is taken over by the Cinecon Classic Film Festivaland you can find out what that consists at the official site.

Next week, New Line releases It: Chapter Two, which I probably will have seen by the time you read this but probably will still be under embargo.

[curlyhairbibliophile]

It’s my birthday!! Weirdly enough, I actually look forward to birthdays. In my head, I usually break up my life in chapters so a birthday to me is a definitive close of one chapter and the open of another. This birthday, however, feels particularly odd as anyone with a birthday right now can relate to. On the blog today, I wanted to write about and reflect on some of the things I saw, did, listened to, etc. during this year of my life!

Five Places I’ve Visited

New York City, NY

To be fair, this isn’t exactly a peculiar location that I visited! If you know me, I love to go to New York A LOT. While I was 18, I went exactly nine times mostly just for day trips to see shows. It honestly kind of kills me that I can’t go into the city to see a show on my birthday, but my bank account is very thankful!

San Luis Obispo, CA

This is a weird fun fact you may not know about me: I’m originally from California! However, I moved from California when I was ten. This past summer, I went to California to visit some of my family and friends with my boyfriend. I met my cousins half way in San Luis Obispo, and I actually had so much fun! I’ve never really been a beach gal, but it was really relaxing and fun to reconnect with my cousins. It was only a weekend trip, but I wanted to include it on here!

Boston, MA

I actually live here now! As you probably know by now, I am a freshman at Emerson College for Writing, Literature, and Publishing. However, prior to moving there, I had only been to Boston twice. So, it’s been such a joy being able to explore Boston in my first two semesters at Emerson. I can genuinely say I’ve grown so much while living there, and I can’t wait to return in the fall.

Washington D.C.

One of the highlights of my year was attending ALA last summer in Washington D.C. with my mom! I am close enough to D.C., so we drove two hours into the city every day of the conference. In total, I believe we drove 12 hours total. It was honestly worth it, and my mom and I had the absolute best time. I finally got to meet Cat (bottom left picture!) after I’ve been pen pals with her for a couple years. I absolutely love D.C., and I can’t wait to eventually go back.

Five Albums I’ve Listened to

Jagged Little Pill

Octet

High As Hope

Rumours

Youth Is Wasted

Five Accomplishments I’m Proud Of

Emerson Review: One of the things that intimated me most (and still intimidates me) about Emerson is the amount of opportunities available with all the different organizations on campus. In the first semester, I applied to be a reader for the oldest and only international literary magazine on campus called Emerson Review. Honestly, I have a lot of growing to do, especially when it comes to voicing my opinions in front of others, but I can feel myself improving slowly. We just finished our 49th volume, and I am beyond thrilled to have been a part of it.

Work-Study Job: I assume this is not just an Emerson thing, but trying to find a work-study job is HARD. In the fall, I applied to almost seventeen different work-study jobs until I finally got a box office representative position on campus. Little did I know how much this job would mean to me now. It’s taught me so much just in the six months I’ve been there, even just with de-escalation and how to talk to customers. It’s also given me a massive support system with my co-workers and managers, and I’m really happy to be there.

Growth of Curlyhairbibliophile: I must admit: I have not been the best blogger in the past year. I have admittedly forgotten about this blog the minute I get somewhat busy, and I honestly really regret that. However, just within the past month and a half since I’ve been home due to COVID-19, I am so proud of the content I have been able to produce. In fact, it brings me so much joy to express my love of books again on this platform. I don’t like to focus on number counts too much, but I am so close to 600 followers on here which is CRAZY considering how this blog has changed over the past four years! I’m so eternally grateful for all the love and support I’ve received, and I can’t wait to continue this platform as I turn 19 and beyond!

Living On My Own: I’ve always been a pretty independent person. However, moving six hours away from home for the first time is a pretty big test to your independence. I am honestly quite proud of myself for being able to pick up prescriptions, manage classes and work, go grocery shopping, figuring out how to use public transportation, do dishes, etc. It’s a small accomplishment, but I’m going to give myself a pat on the back for this one.

First Internship: If you follow me on Twitter, you may know this already but I landed my first publishing internship this spring! I am a remote editorial intern for Jolly Fish Press/Flux Books. I’m quite grateful for this opportunity, especially since I just finished my freshman year just a few days ago. I’ve been doing it for about a month now, and it’s been so much fun to get a first hand perspective on different aspects in publishing.

Five Shows I Saw (Once or Twice…Or Five Times)

Moby Dick: I saw Moby Dick at American Reparatory Theatre this previous December. It was such a cool and innovative production, and if it ever comes back I HIGHLY recommend you see it. Rating: ⭑⭑⭑⭑/⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

Jagged Little Pill: I saw Jagged Little Pill just a few months ago with my roommate in NYC. I can’t talk about this one enough! It’s such an important story, and I’m grateful to have seen this before the world shut down. ⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑/⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

The Purists: I saw this show this past December in Boston with Huntington Theatre Company! It was actually a play directed by Billy Porter, and I thoroughly enjoyed it! ⭑⭑⭑⭑/⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

West Side Story: I saw the recent revival of West Side Story this past December because one of my favorite Broadway actors was in it. However, the night we saw it he was out injured. Overall, the production was not good. I could write a full post about this show. Additionally, one of the cast members was fired from the New York Ballet for sexual misconduct, yet he was still cast in this production. ⭑/⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

Oklahoma!: I saw this revival of Oklahoma! on Broadway a few times this fall, and that definitely was not enough! It made me fall in love with this show I once thought was outdated and crusty. It’s going on tour this fall, and if it’s making a stop near you I HIGHLY recommend you check it out. ⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑/⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑.

Five Books I’ve Read

Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky: I am aware that I am probably the LAST person on Earth to read this book. However, I figured this time would be the best to go back and read some of the books I may have missed throughout the years. I can genuinely see why this book introduced so many people to Young Adult novels, and I’m glad I finally read it.

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: THIS BOOK! If you have not heard about this book, I am honestly shocked because it has infiltrated my life both online and in real life. I absolutely devoured it, and I can’t recommend it enough.

Full Disclosure by Camryn Garrett: I actually picked up an ARC of this book at ALA, and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. However, I can’t express how phenomenal this book was. I even read it at the register while I was working at Michaels and got in trouble with my manager (oops). Regardless, another book I can’t recommend enough.

Becoming by Michelle Obama: Does this one really need an explanation? Even if you aren’t a non-fiction reader, I highly recommend picking up this book. I would even go as far as saying Becoming was my favorite book of 2019. Yes, it is that good.

The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo: I first bought The Poet X a few years ago on a whim, and I finally decided to read it last year. BOY, I AM SO GLAD I DID. Elizabeth Acevedo has immediately become an auto-buy author for me, and I can’t get enough of her books.

Phew! Sorry for this long post! I’m really grateful for the year I have had, and all I have been able to see, experience, listen to, and read. Now, I am going to scarf down some cake and spend some time with my family. Obviously, I am not expecting anything but I wanted to include my Amazon wishlist here. However, I really don’t need anything. If you did want to do something for my birthday, the organization The Actor’s Fund does some really great work for artists and performers, especially right now due to COVID-19. It would mean a lot if you had a dollar or two to donate. Here is the link to donate.

Thank you so much for all of your support, whether you’re new to my blog or have been with me since the beginning. I am always so encouraged by the passion and activism I see within the book community, and I love you all so much.

Hope you are all doing okay! Thank you for making it so far into this post. Have you had to celebrate your birthday while stuck inside? What has been your favorite moment of your year so far? Do you enjoy your birthdays or do you dread them?

        Happy COVID-19th Birthday to Me! A Reflection On My 18th Year of Life It's my birthday!! Weirdly enough, I actually look forward to birthdays. In my head, I usually break up my life in chapters so a birthday to me is a definitive close of one chapter and the open of another.

[itsfinancethings]

There are many reasons you might be familiar with Jordan Fisher. Gen Z-ers might remember him from Disney Channel’s Liv and Maddie and Teen Beach Movie. Broadway fans know him for his role as John Laurens/Philip Hamilton in Lin-Manuel Miranda‘s hit musical Hamilton, and for appearing in Grease Live! and Rent: Live. Nearly two million video gamers have watched him stream Fortnite with the gaming platform Twitch, and audiences watched him sparkle and shimmy his way to victory on Dancing With the Stars in 2017.

Now, with a role in Netflix’s To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You as a love interest for Lara Jean Covey (Lana Condor), Fisher can add bonafide heartthrob to this growing collection of varied credits. That’s as long as viewers don’t revolt when his character, the suave and intellectual John Ambrose McClaren, steals the spotlight from Noah Centineo’s Peter Kavinsky.

When To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before hit Netflix in 2018, it quickly became a breakout among Netflix’s slate of romantic comedies like Set It Up and The Kissing Booth. Though the streamer is typically tight-lipped about its metrics, Netflix cited To All the Boys as one of its “most viewed original films ever with strong repeat viewing,” according to Variety. Lara Jean and Peter’s budding romance is at the heart of the film, which is based on Jenny Han’s YA novels of the same name. The two enter into a faux relationship to make others jealous — specifically, Peter’s ex and Lara Jean’s older sister’s boyfriend. Shock of all shocks, the “fake” relationship eventually gives way to something real, and the movie’s swoon-worthy, knee-bending final kiss is one for the rom-com books.

John Ambrose McClaren is the ‘marrying type’

To All the Boys 2, out Feb. 12 ahead of Valentine’s Day, has the tough job of convincing viewers that Peter might not actually be perfect. In an early scene in which the couple has their first date at an upscale restaurant, Peter explains that fancy place settings have two forks in case you drop one. He then knocks one of his forks onto the ground, the wrong move at a moment when Lara Jean is earnestly excited about her first-ever real date. Cringe.

This establishes an opportunity for Fisher’s John Ambrose to swoop in. In an unexplained coincidence, John Ambrose — one of Lara Jean’s former crushes who mistakenly received a private love letter in the first film — starts volunteering with her at a nursing home, after Peter blew off his girlfriend’s volunteer work to go elsewhere with his jock friends. As it turns out, Lara Jean’s unrequited crush on her childhood best friend wasn’t unrequited at all. Though Peter may be a popular athlete with charm to spare, John Ambrose loves Model U.N., hanging out with elderly folks and playing the piano. It’s the perfect love story…or isn’t it?

Fisher, 25, has a certain level of respect for John Ambrose, whom he sees as a different kind of prospect for Lara Jean. “Peter Kavinsky in high school and college is pretty great, but John Ambrose is the marrying type,” the actor, who is himself engaged to his longtime childhood friend, told TIME in an email.

Viewers seemed to agree with that sentiment. Within hours of the film’s release, Twitter was ablaze with John Ambrose fever.

think it’s safe to say, the world is now in love with john ambrose mcclaren AND jordan fisher now #ToAlltheBoys2 pic.twitter.com/47V3hjMcat

— cynthia⁷ 💌 psisly spoilers (@bcrstens) February 12, 2020

As fans inevitably debate the pros and cons of the great John Ambrose vs. Peter Kavinsky match-up, Fisher will be focusing his attention on another love story unfolding in front of a live audience, in his third week starring in the Broadway blockbuster Dear Evan Hansen at New York’s Music Box Theatre.

‘The whole idea as an actor is that you disappear’

In Dear Evan Hansen, Fisher plays an extremely anxious high schooler who gets caught in a web of lies that threatens every relationship in his life. The show’s plot, which involves teen suicide, is devastating at times. Evan Hansen and John Ambrose are entirely dissimilar characters, as are the tones of the two projects. Fisher says that challenge is part of his passion as a performer. “That’s film and that’s Broadway and that’s acting and that’s creating. The whole idea as an actor is that you disappear,” Fisher told TIME, hours before taking the stage on Wednesday evening. “If anybody gets to see both the film and Dear Evan Hansen, yeah, it’s going to be a bit of a culture shock for them, but that’s the goal as an actor to create that separation.”

Nathan JohnsonJordan Fisher as Evan Hansen in ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ on Broadway

“The complexity of this boy is akin to climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro,” Fisher said of playing Evan Hansen in a press release ahead of his opening last month. His casting also makes history as he is the first person of color to headline the Tony-winning show in its titular role, which Ben Platt originated in 2015.

Fisher considers himself a ‘renaissance man’

Before his big break (or breaks, depending on whom you ask), Fisher moved to L.A. from his hometown of Birmingham, Ala., quickly earning roles on Nickelodeon’s iCarly and ABC Family’s The Secret Life of the American Teenager at 17 years old. Fisher admits that in the years since, his varying resume of work on TV, in theater and the music industry (he began releasing original music in 2014 and is featured on the Moana soundtrack) have positioned him as “renaissance man.” Just take his Twitter bio, for instance, which reads: “actor. recording artist. gamer. streamer. songwriter. lots of other things.”

That he’s a “gamer” is perhaps the most renaissance-man-like trait of them all, in a very modern sort of way. Like 2019 TIME 100 honoree Ninja, Fisher is among the most well-known faces of the rapidly growing video game streaming industry, which is essentially the gamer’s version of online influencing. He is partnered with Twitch, a live stream service that allows fans around the world to watch their favorite celebrities play, and is known to use his singing and dancing skills to his advantage online, entertaining with more than just his gaming skills. Fans pay for a monthly subscription to watch Fisher’s streams without advertisements and for some other perks.

Epic Games, which owns Fortnite, clearly noticed his wide appeal. Last month, Fortnite created a new “emote,” a dance that characters can do within the game, based on a dance he had posted on TikTok. The company also tapped him to host the first Fortnite World Cup last summer.

Dropping into Emote Royale with my new emote! Enter the contest and you could get your own emote too. #EmoteRoyaleContest @FortniteGame @tiktok_us https://t.co/7ECMjAF5Ed pic.twitter.com/N6rgxcZfJB

— Jordan Fisher (@Jordan_Fisher) January 18, 2020

Though he will be plenty busy during the rest of his 16-week run on Broadway, gaming remains a huge passion and important benchmark of his career. “To me, art is art, and entertainment is entertainment, and I have crafted a world in the last 16 years of doing this where I’ve never really had to pick one thing over the other, and thankfully I love all of the things that I do,” he said.

Sitting at this curious and unique intersection of fame, Fisher said he’s enjoyed bringing together all of his interests. And the fact that all of his pursuits include people from such different backgrounds — the video gaming, musical theater and rom-com communities don’t typically overlap — is especially exciting for him. He asks: “Where video gaming is concerned, it has always incorporated art, film, acting and music, so why can’t that belong in the same space as Broadway and rom-coms?”

Fisher hopes that by refusing to pick one art form, he can pique different interests within his varying demographics of fans. “The fact that the gaming community is actually interested in what I’m doing in all my other spaces, whether it be music or Broadway or film or television, it just helps with the narrative and it’s exciting for me, especially as somebody that’s a fan of all of it, as well,” he said.

[biofunmy]

Black Friday 2019: What You Need to Know

In the age of e-commerce, Black Friday can feel like an anachronism. But don’t be fooled. The Friday after Thanksgiving remains enormously important — at least symbolically — to the retail industry. And millions of shoppers will still be out in stores, working off that turkey and stuffing by racing to find the best deals.

Many others will simply stay at home, content to cruise the internet to do their shopping. Whether it’s in stores or online, our reporters will be covering it here, with a little help from our friends at The Wirecutter.

Shopping has become easier, and more fun

It’s hard to think of a better time to be a shopper. There’s one-day delivery, online purchases with in-store pick up, even $17 cocktails served while you shop for shoes.

Retailers are trying to be all things to all shoppers, but it is proving to be a tough and, some say, unsustainable way to run their business. The more money retailers invest in new initiatives to boost sales, the more their profit margins seem to shrink.

Amazon is driving a lot of this pain, as old-school retailers try to catch up with the online giant, which sets the standard for speed and convenience.

— Michael Corkery

Online sales start strong. ‘Frozen 2’ toys, L.O.L. Surprise dolls and laptops are hits.

Let’s get real: Black Friday shopping, online and in stores, really starts on Thanksgiving and lasts all weekend. So it will be awhile before we know how the retail sector did this year. But one early indicator was positive: Shoppers spent $4.2 billion on Thursday, about 14.5 percent more than on Thanksgiving 2018, according to Adobe Analytics.

Adobe, which tracks purchases made on thousands of websites, said the top-selling items online were toys and products affiliated with the movie “Frozen 2,” L.O.L. Surprise dolls and toys, Amazon Fire TV products and Apple laptops.

Separately, the software company Salesforce projected that online sales would reach $7.4 billion in the United States on Friday alone, about 16 percent more than last year, and $40 billion globally, about a 24 percent increase.

The company found that more people had started their Black Friday shopping early by looking for deals online on Thanksgiving, and 60 percent of those digital orders were placed on mobile phones.

At Costco, the website was slow so the store extended one-day online deals intended for Thanksgiving into Friday. “The website is currently experiencing longer than normal response times,” Costco wrote in a banner across its home page. “We apologize for any inconvenience.”

— Jacey Fortin

Hoping for Gucci in the bargain bin? You’ll have to wait a bit longer.

When Barneys, the iconic Manhattan department store, was sold for pieces last month, it marked the end of an era in New York retailing. It also set the hearts of consumers racing, as talk of an unprecedented liquidation sale swirled. What sorts of deals could be had on cashmere? Would Gucci be in the bargain bin?

Alas, consumers have since been disappointed. Barneys’ liquidators — led by B. Riley Financial’s Great American Group — have largely limited the discounts to just 5 percent or 10 percent off the chain’s luxury wares. Twitter has been rife with incredulous shoppers. “I just checked out Barneys New York closing down sale and socks are $97,” one user wrote. Another remarked that they needed more than 10 percent off, noting, “This is like a rich folks sale.”

This week, however, B. Riley said it would deepen discounts at Barneys beginning on Wednesday, for an average of 30 percent to 35 percent off items throughout the weekend. It promised additional promotions for in-store shoppers. There’s a chance that will spur sales — though shoppers may continue to wait for even bigger discounts during December, as the liquidators will have to offload all of the inventory at some point.

— Sapna Maheshwari

Some shoppers are done already

People who get an early jump on their holiday shopping inspire both envy and awe, and there has been even more early shopping this year.

During the first week of November, consumers had completed 24 percent of their holiday shopping, according to a survey by the National Retail Federation. It was the highest level in the history of the trade group’s survey, and up 16 percent from a decade ago.

For the retail industry, it means that the all-important holiday shopping season is getting longer, and Black Friday’s importance is increasingly fading.

— Michael Corkery

How to not get fooled by bad tech deals

Black Friday offers an avalanche of tech sales, and many aren’t worth your time, either because of the quality of the item or a discount that isn’t very exciting.

TV doorbusters, for example, are usually filled with low-quality, off-brand products, or even stripped-down models from top brands that are only available for the holidays. But that doesn’t mean all TV deals are bad deals. The Wirecutter Deals team has found large high-end models from last year at a bargain. We’ve also seen nice discounts on well-regarded midrange sets for everyday viewing or gaming.

While many people are hoping to snag Apple products for a steal, only select product lines are exceptionally priced. Surprisingly, some of the newest models are being discounted, though the reductions are meager. The best deals we’ve seen have been on older model watches. In general, you’re more likely to see discounts on Apple tablets and accessories from big box stores, but if you see a too-good-to-be-true price from a third-party site, it’s likely a refurbished unit with a shorter warranty and no quality guarantee.

In the world of gaming, consoles, controllers and subscription plans have seen strong discounts, as have tech accessories like wireless mice and keyboards. But before you get swept up in the hype and marketing language, we always suggest comparison shopping to ensure you’re getting the best deal on the best products.

— Nathan Burrow

Black Friday in France: Sales and a backlash

Thanksgiving is just another Thursday in Europe, but Black Friday is a bone of contention: embraced by some and rejected by others as an alarming invasion of American consumerism.

Black Friday sales can be found in many countries, from small stationers to major chains to car dealers. In Britain, many retailers, like John Lewis & Partners, a source of appliances and furniture, started offering Black Friday discounts days ago. Curry’s PC World, an electronics retailer, has a “black tag” event claiming savings of up to 50 percent.

On the rue Vieille du Temple in the Marais district of central Paris, nearly every boutique within a one-block stretch is plastered with signs promoting “Black Friday” in English. While France has been slower than other European countries to join the trend, retailers forecast 6 billion euros in sales this year around the event.

In some cases, something is lost in translation. In Germany, the “Friday” is often dropped in signs promoting a “Black Sale” or “Black Week.”

But a backlash has been gaining steam. In France, lawmakers this week proposed to ban some Black Friday promotions starting next year, citing misleading pricing tactics and the rising environmental cost from the delivery of millions of packages.

Élisabeth Borne, the French environment minister, warned of “a frenzy of consumption” in which people are encouraged to buy products they don’t need.

“We need to consume better, not more,” she added.

Parisian authorities also asked the government to allow cities to slap a so-called eco-tax on Amazon and other delivery platforms to make e-commerce players pay for pollution and rising delivery traffic.

Protesters from the Extinction Rebellion movement and other environmental groups held “Block Friday” demonstrations throughout France. Many of the events were aimed at Amazon, with some banners saying “No to Amazon and its world.”

— Liz Alderman and Stanley Reed

Is a short holiday season ‘the fright before Christmas’?

How did the week of Thanksgiving become so entwined in consumerism?

It may have started with Franklin D. Roosevelt. The 32nd president of The United States was so eager to jump-start the economy in 1938 that he moved the holiday’s official date up a week in order to create more shopping days between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

It was a bold move — and unpopular. The nation had been celebrating Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday of November ever since Abraham Lincoln declared the day a federal holiday following the battle of Gettysburg.

Roosevelt reversed course in 1941 and returned Thanksgiving to the fourth Thursday of the month, where it remains.

The holiday’s late arrival this year is worrying retailers since it means there are 26 shopping days before Christmas, six fewer than last year.

The abbreviated shopping period is one of reason Morgan Stanley analysts labeled their 2019 holiday retail outlook “The fright before Christmas” and are expecting a less than stellar shopping season.

— Michael Corkery

Santa’s list is packed with everyday items

Black Friday may be known as the raucous kickoff to gift-giving season (especially this year, as Christmas and Hanukkah overlap), but some people aren’t actually shopping for loved ones.

Instead, Wirecutter readers’ lists seem squarely rooted in everyday products. Some of the items our readers have asked us to look out for deals on: baby gates, electric toothbrushes and a garage door opener. And the retailers know this. The Wirecutter Deals team has found excellent pricing on everything from shower curtains to fly traps to computer cables that don’t exactly scream gift. Though, perhaps, nothing says “I love you” like a dongle.

— Annemarie Conte

Sahred From Source link Fashion and Style

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[mustardmovieclub]

The Path to Redemption for Star Wars Episode IX

After the canon disaster known as The Last Jedi, fans are eagerly waiting to see if and how J.J. Abrams can restore balance to the universe by answering questions and tying loose ends together in the finale to the sequel trilogy. A massive feat for anyone given the inherent disconnect between TFA and TLJ, much less for JJ who has traditionally been great at setting pins up, but basically horrendous at knocking them down. He can create the good ole mystery boxes, but when it comes time to break down what’s inside, he tends to collapse on the weight of his own ambition.

For optimistic fans, there is a slight bit of hope given he did lay the groundwork here and could find a way to circle back to his original vision to give some semblance of closure to the Skywalker saga. And while it would be impressive at first glance if he’s able to pull that off, it will still also be classic lame JJ too; playing it safe. And to mold IX after essentially the Return of the Jedi model, that would be extremely safe. And after TLJ that may be a nice enough palette cleanser for the fans, but to be honest things are already too far gone and while we think that’s what the majority of fans may want in the here and now, history would prove otherwise.  The First Order defeated, Rey at the peak of her powers, all hugs and celebrations at the end etc.  Given where things stand now, it’s hard to imagine a version of that where the outcome is actually interesting or very good, isn’t it?

If things end up going that route, I’m confident in the long term JJ will get ripped to shreds for not only once again copying the original trilogy format as he did with TFA, but also for being simplistic and boring in his conclusion. He also can’t go full Rian Johnson either, which would be the other end of the spectrum and for those fans still holding on, that would be the final blow for them to severe their ties to the fandom for good.

I do believe however there is a model to follow that bring together fans who are looking for this conclusion to sync up well to the saga, and still follow it’s own path. One we would not necessarily see coming. And this would be a risk on the part of Disney to do, they haven’t exactly proven themselves risk averse killing the entire crew of Rogue One in the finale of that film.

The model for me is Revenge of the Sith. As the book end of the most recent trilogy, it was the best of the prequels and one that would stand the best chance of connecting with new youth that grew up with those films as their Star Wars. It also allows an opportunity to address many of the criticisms from the first two films without jumping the shark.

This would essentially be Kylo’s film in the way ROTS was Anakin’s. Which works well here, considering Adam Driver is one of the best actors left who could carry the film. It would delve into his full turn into the dark side, some flashbacks or exposition with the Knights of Ren,him leading the First Order and dominating the galaxy, and also give Luke a meaningful role outside of being a force ghost (which he could still be as well) if they showed some of his training and some more of the night he actually burned the Jedi Temple down etc.

Let’s evaluate all of the things Revenge of the Sith did right and how Episode IX could mirror them to address some of the biggest complaints of the sequel trilogy;

Criticism - Kylo is a Weak Villain

If there is one thing TLJ did quite well, is set up Kylo’s descent into madness after being owned by Luke and losing his mind on Crait after being punked by Rey. He still hasn’t done anything bad ass yet, but by focusing on Kylo and further following him into the Anakin path of going full darkside, you could actually make him a true force to be reckoned with. Bring back his mask, have him kill any of Leia (which he couldn’t do in TLJ), Chewy, Lando, Poe, Finn, Rose etc in the beginning of the film to set up no limits to his evil, and even choke out Hux in his frustration. Setting up an Anakin esque slaughtering of the young lings would be a nice bonus If he has time to go back and kill the force sensitive kids on Canto Bight, but that might be asking too much haha.

Criticism - A Lack of Lightsaber Fights

ROTS had two of the best lightsaber fights of the entire saga, Anakin vs Obi-Wan on Mustafar, and Yoda vs Sidious on Coruscant. You need to replicate that here. A fully powered Kylo vs a fully realized Rey would be a start, as for where the second one would come from I don’t have a clue, but with various rumors of other cameos possible, maybe it takes plane on a mental plane with a former Jedi knight? A Luke return? Another existing character like Ahsoka out of the blue to try and stop him? Who knows? But the lesson is to take as much from those two fights in ROTS as you possibly can.

Criticism - No Connection to Canon or Lore

As Kylo actually connects further to his Vader lineage, there are opportunities for him to explore Sith legends, the rule of 2 (picking his apprentice?), and all things Dark Side to expand upon pre-existing connections. He can look further into Snoke’s backstory, Palpatine, Vader, Sith planets like Mustafar, Moraband or Malachor, and even further back legends like Revan, Bane, Plagueis, etc.

Criticism - Politics

While having Kylo go full pyscho could have a bit eerie connection to the current dystopic North American situation, as he reigned with the First Order all of the other baggage some of the characters carry would be stripped away one by one when Kylo eventually destroys them. It would take a film that carries certain connotations and turn it into one with a simple message - just that on this day, evil won. There was nothing inherently political about Order 66. It would catch everyone by surprise and at the end of the film Kylo can sit on his cottage steps and watch the sun rise.

Infinity War proved it was possible to do a movie like this, and while similar this would still be completely different in its own way. You can provide a little bit of a hope at the end too, maybe Rey is one to go into hiding ala Obi-Wan to train some new Jedi after losing the battle.

It would be a dark film, and one that would be the perfect blend of Revenge of the Sith, the greatness of Infinity War, and adding something new in a Star Wars movie that would bring back a lot of the hard core fans and have them believe anything is possible again.

Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. What would be more in line with that than having Kylo slice up Chewy and Lando and set the Falcon on fire as we all break out in tears? Rose crying in Finn’s arms saying “I don’t wanna go?” That’s how you set up a new era. Not by having Luke self Obi-Wan himself into dust.

A new saga,  having Kylo Ren rule the galaxy in the way Darth Vader never got to do under Palpatine. It could be epic. And completely set up the next trilogy of X/XI/XII for Rey’s new Jedi legacy to eventually bring him down the right way, as a classic and former rival. 

#TeamKylo #LetTheFirstOrderWin

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: Tape it or leave it

ROUND One in the books, already nine teams are flag contenders and the pitchforks emerge for the rest.

Wasted pre-seasons, scarves thrown away and discarded in disgust, the Grim Reaper seemingly looms for half a dozen coaches already.

Could be worse, could be Steve Smith...

 1.        Let’s touch on the cricket up front. Warner is a pit bull, a junkyard dog, and has blown his top. A high-energy Ashes summer, further fuelled by the De Kock sledge against his wife and then Rabada’s antics, made worse by his suspension being overturned, has finally lost self-control when the ball wouldn’t go reverse in the third test – straw, camel’s back basically. Irrationally he has pressured Bancroft into an idea, Smith, the quiet, younger man child who before this all happened had a reputation for coming across as sweet, well-educated and the next Bradman basically, can’t contain his vice-captain when in this mood. Warner is the instigator, the sole proprietor of all the untoward descriptions of the ‘culture’ within the team. Smith is far from the kind of character needed to curtail him (Border, Waugh, they would have no issues you’d imagine), gets caught up and tries to protect his deputy. Bancroft, at the crossroads, out of form and feeling the pinch, gets leaned on and sees a way out, reverse swing might win us the game, a win might save my spot, an alliance to the leaders might be favourable come selection – its wrong but you can see why it might have been compelling. So now what? Smith probably gets 12 months, misses the summer but comes back in time to get a run up to the Ashes, Warner gets the same ban but is never picked again, Bancroft gets a ban but is certainly not lost to the national team down the track and the Test team has a resurgence against two Asian teams this summer who are notoriously bad travellers.

 2.        Onto the footy, and I’m going to start with the media, which is a bit rich coming from this column but alas. We are ok with ex-players jumping the fence and getting behind the glass passing comment on their former craft, be it in print, in front of a camera or behind a mic. But the old school journo, who never played the game, has come through the caper as someone with a nose for news and able to get the mail, the good oil, why are they now being celebrated for their on-field commentary. My main beef is with the media vehicles of Damian Barrett, Triple M most notably, airing segments and splashing headlines for his critique of club’s round one results. Now Damo, break news, write wonderfully prosed columns on the game, but when it comes the Bulldogs’ performance in Canberra, you are not at all qualified, we have better options! Mind you, watch me now do exactly that for the remainder of this column…

 3.        The Cats on Sunday, wow, get out of jail much? Didn’t look overly impressive, or that cohesive. Yes, Ablett and Selwood will likely share five Charlie votes between them, and they have another Brownlow medallist midfielder to come back in perhaps this week, but whilst they are very good trick ponies, the Cats in 2018 will be just that, a three-trick pony.

 4.        Ah the Pies. Glimpses of something good and then whooshka, a horrible disposal, a brain fade mistake, zero defensive coverage, and the Hawks walked it in. Their best footy looks to be ok, showed that last year, showed it in patches on the weekend, but the ultimate downfall is that it’s never there enough, there’s no reason to suggest it will change anytime soon and given they’ll go 2-4 at best after six rounds it’s all superfluous really. A ‘proper’ circuit breaker at the Holden Centre is their only remedy.

 5.        Tom Mitchell gets 54, he got the ten votes from the coaches, he’ll likely be best on from the umpires too. He is still probably underrated, a tremendous get by the Hawks. But, sure, Bucks should have sent someone to him no doubt, but he is far from the new Diesel. Take Clayton Oliver the next day, he only got 28 touches to Mitchell’s 54, yet the Dee laid ten tackles whereas Mitchell laid just the two. Between the two, take age out of it, I know who this column would rather.

 6.        Buddy, Buddy, Buddy. Wasn’t so much the local team christening the new stadium on Sunday but the local boy. Here’s a tip, and its paying $50 which for a two-legged multi is delightful, Franklin for the Coleman into the Brownlow. He plays 22 games he is a massive show.

 7.        Canberra showed us that the GWS are in this year up to their necks, yes, only one game but we saw what we needed to see in the first ten minutes. But for the Dogs, oh gosh, the sky has fallen in at Footscray it seems. Please. It was first up, with a key man going down early, on the road, against this column’s premiership tip, you know what, on the Dogs, yes I will hold thanks caller. They’ll win this week.

 8.        Lot to like for the fans of the losing team last Thursday. Yes, ended up 36 shots to 20 in the reigning premiers but its about 2019 for the Blues. Tangible results are secondary to ‘good signs’, and to that there are plenty, Cripps, Curnow, the other kids, the way they play, etc.

 9.        And on young Charlie Curnow, he is a tall forward that works in the 2018 version of this game. Mason Cox is not. So whilst it’s a project, its an experiment and the American clearly has potential strengths that could ‘help’ the Pies, there will always be weaknesses in his game that are not just exploitable but a liability. The best team minimises liability, the Tigers forward line last year for example, may have been awesome with say a Josh Kennedy in the goal square, but one thing you can’t say about the forward group is that it contained liability. The Cox liabilities are going to cost moments, which can cost games, and a long bow perhaps but those lost games could lose Buckley his position, a butterfly effect if you will.

 10.     The Bombers got themselves a nice, big, early scalp. And here’s the good news for those who enjoy seeing their team who play this grand old game – they only one have one game outside of Melbourne before Round Nine. Between now and then they are a more than a fair chance to win the majority of those which, by the bye periods, will have them set up with a very healthy win-loss record. This column puts a lot of emphasis on how good starts are integral to deep September action, this all bodes very well for the Dons.

 11.     And as for Port, yep, same thing, as we said last week they’ll get off to a great start, tick the box for last week. And good form is good form, whether its something impressive or just games you are expected to win, so no matter really the opponents or performances if the Power can get off to a good start, the momentum is such a strength in itself. Good starts breed success at the pointy end, Port are definitely a ‘buy’.

 12.     Poor Libba, such crap news; he is very important to the Dogs setup but overall it’s such a shame for him. Here’s to a big 2019, he is a genuine star.

 13.     So North Melbourne are throwing money at Andrew Gaff - good luck to both parties I say.

 14.     The Saints still have plenty of room that they actually have to use. Convoluted way it works, there is a salary cap and salary floor, so you cannot obviously exceed the cap, but you must have a minimum salary too. Further complicating things is that you must stay within these markers over a rolling four-year period. Therefore, you can be over the cap providing the rolling four-year result is that you were under on average. That’s the same with being under the cap, its ok for one year, but you need to ensure you compensate when the four-year average is calculated. Long story short, the Saints have been saving cap space, being deliberately under the cap floor on average in the knowledge securing a big fish would get them into the sweet spot – yet without luring such a star they would need to re-do existing deals to make the finances work, which is hardly ideal (overpaying for the sake of it). Jeremy McGovern, Olli Wines, two names that are seemingly open to the enquiry. Rory Sloane is ideal but I think he stays.

 15.     Paddy McCartin. Where’s he going? Bruce is the number one gorilla in the forward line and reasonably so, has earned the credits somewhat. McCartin clearly has the tools, but not convinced he can flourish. No-one had less touches than him on the weekend with his team getting the four points still, yes it’s a long road for him after last year’s badly interrupted year, but he turns 22 in a few weeks, drafted four years ago, this year needs to be somewhat progressive otherwise it’s time for some decisions down at Moorabbin. Not drastic, but things to ponder.

 16.     If Luke Parker played for a Victorian club he would be seen as a superstar. Credit on this rare occasion to Mark Robinson who put the Swan at no. 26 in his pre-season Top 50 but damn he is a gun. Has averaged 25 touches and six tackles a game pretty much the last four years, has only recently turned 25, a Brownlow runner-up two years ago, makes tremendous decisions, and is a rare mix of extremely gritty but very skilful. Had 32 touches on the weekend with nine tackles, that sort of game in Melbourne gets huge Monday night media coverage, but a Sydney performance Sunday twilight in Perth, in Buddy’s shadow, not so much.

 17.     Only 44 tackles laid by Dockers on Saturday, not the effort you want to start the year. Still bullish on their chances, potential, but their home opener against Essendon this weekend is crucial. Couple selection changes, better effort, get the season back to 1-1 and go from there, otherwise, as per our ‘starts’ rule, they will be doing themselves no favours.

 18.     Five goals between Jack Watts and Steven Motlop in the same game with old Toddley Marshall bagging four. Port won’t have much of an issue scoring this year, but ensuring the ball doesn’t just waltz out and result in opposition scores is going to be key. It’s hardly the Richmond mosquito fleet; turning the ball over close-ish to goal and scoring is what works these days.

 19.     How tough were the ladies at Princes Park on Saturday? Throwing themselves around, the hits were hard, it was damn impressive in less than helpful conditions. But notably, the defenders, intercept marking, showing composure, defending and rebounding under immense pressure, there’s a number of spuds in the men’s league who could take note.

 20.     We started with cricket, lets end with tennis – whilst he ended up losing to Fernando Verdasco in three, Thanasi Kokkinakis defeated world no.1 Roger Federer more or less within hours of Cam Bancroft stuffing tape down his Reg Grundys. It meant that essentially no media outlet noticed, or cared, but this column does. Annoyingly it seems we’re jumping off jungle-conqueror Bernie Tomic, but for Nick Kyrgios and Kokkinakis, this column sticks fat. A clean bill of health between the best Greek-Australian offering since The Wog Boy 2: Kings of Mykonos will end up in many satisfied Aussie tennis fans this year and beyond – get on board and stay on board with these two.

(originally published 28 March)