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mahounostairs · 3 years ago

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The Kaoru Interrogation Saga

Teru drops a bomb at a drinking party, absolute fucking anarchy ensues shortly after.

Rating: M

I couldn't think of a better title for this so it's gonna stay the interrogation saga.

So this started out as a discussion my friend Riley and I had over discord dms talking about episode 11 of sideani about the scene where Teru like, just whips it out at the hot springs (but is conveniently covered by something in the foreground). A good amount of the dialogue was lifted from the og discussion so credit to Riley aka twitter user @haijou_parade go follow her she's amazing ily bestie

Also all the referenced/implied ships throughout this are: HokuMai, YamaHaza, HideShou, TeruKao, SeiMichi

[Originally posted July 8, 2021]

“And that right there is why you gotta choose your whiskey brands wisely.” Jiro said, holding up his glass, “The cheap shit really ain’t worth the time of day, even if it does save your wallet from a beating, and that’s coming from a cheapskate like me!”

Teru nodded absentmindedly, and shakily due to already being quite drunk. “I… getcha!” Flashing a quick thumbs-up and grin, he took another swig of his beer.

These get-togethers would always get like this. Starting off fairly normal but then slowly everyone would get progressively drunker and drunker and drunker except for whichever poor bastard was stuck as the designated driver for that evening. This night was no exception.

Jiro glanced back at the tables near the bar, most of the other adults were seated in this corner of the pub they decided on for this get-together. The table closest to him and him had the unusual grouping of Kaoru, Michio, Shouma, Minori, and Rui. The latter three chatting excitedly and loudly while Kaoru sat quietly, sometimes nodding or giving a short reply in between sips. Even more surprising was the pink tint on his face, Kaoru didn’t typically drink enough for that to happen.

“Hehe… Heeey, Yamashita-saaaaan~” Teru slurred, “Wanna hear ‘bout somethin’ funny?”

“Hm? Sure, Tendou-sensei.”

He giggled like a little kid, “Remember wheen Sakura-hic-ba, Tsubasa and I all wen’ on that hot springs trip?”

“Yes?” Jiro could not begin to comprehend where this conversation would go.

“Well…! When we were at th’ hot springs,” A shit-eating grin spread across Teru’s face, “I showed ‘em my dick!”

Jiro nearly spat out his drink.

“Oh! An’ every now and then… I bring it up again jus’ to see their reactions!” He chuckled, as if this were something completely normal to talk about.

“Tendou-sensei,” Jiro coughed, “I’m sorry but, what??”

“Tendou!” A familiar, very pissed-off voice came from the table closest to them.

Jiro looked over to see Kaoru standing with both hands on the table. His face had gone from an alcohol-induced pink to a fuming red that went up to his ears. Michio, who was sitting to the other side of him, had also gone a bit red (though more likely from the embarrassment of overhearing such a thing) put a hand on Kaoru’s arm in an attempt to keep him from laying waste to the hapless drunk next to Jiro. Minori had a similar look of surprise on his face, and luckily the way they were all seated had him able to keep Kaoru in too. Although, he did exchange some hushed words with Shouma and Rui across the table.

There was murder in Kaoru’s eyes, “Why are you bringing that up now?! And here?!”

“Hey! Mister Sakuraba!” Rui turned his head to the table beside them, “And Mister Kashiwagi, too!”

Tsubasa’s head poked up from the other table. He seemed to have blissfully not overheard their conversation, well for now.

"Did you two look?"

Uh oh.

“Maita-sensei...!” Kaoru’s knuckles turned white as he balled his fists on the table.

A light blush rose on Tsubasa’s face as what Rui was asking finally hit him, “O-oh, that… Um, well...”

“Don’t answer him, Kashiwagi.” Kaoru spat out before Tsubasa could even think of finishing his thoughts.

“Oh, come on, Kaoru! We’re all friends here!” Minori pulled Kaoru back down to his seat, “So, did ya look at it or not?”

Kaoru buried his face in his hands with a heavy sigh, “Please, not you too, Watanabe-san.”

“I’m with Minorun here.” Shouma giggled lightly, “Besides, this is an interesting topic~”

The dark-haired man simply groaned into his hands in response.

Minori lightly swung an arm around his shoulders, “It’s no big deal! Now, just spill it, did you see Teru’s dick or not?”

“D-don’t say it so loud, Watanabe-san!”

“Hmm?” A new voice joined the conversation.

Taking his head out of his hands, Kaoru saw that Amehiko, who was seated at Tsubasa’s table, had (unfortunately) taken notice of the conversation. The older man had a smirk that filled Kaoru with a sense of dread.

Despite that, he was not prepared for the words that left his mouth.

“Of all the things to overhear tonight, I wasn’t expecting to hear that you pleasured Tendou-san like that.”

Kaoru blinked, “...Pleasured? What the Hell do you mean by that?”

Amehiko raised an eyebrow, “Watanabe-san said that you sucked Tendou-san’s dick, didn’t he?”

“...Excuse me?”

Tsubasa nearly choked on his drink as Amehiko spoke. Chris, who was seated beside Amehiko, looked at him with wide eyes, his cheeks tinted by both alcohol and embarrassment. “A-Amehiko!” Chris gently scolded him, then turned his gaze towards the man sitting across from them, “Are you alright, Kashiwagi-san?”

Before Tsubasa could even open his mouth to respond, a loud slam rang from the other table. Numerous pairs of eyes turned to see-

Forcibly shoving Minori off of him, Kaoru stood up, “First of all!” Hell hath no fury like Sakuraba Kaoru right at this very moment, “I would never do such a thing to TENDOU of all people!” He gestured towards the man in question, who had finally seemed to be aware of what he had caused. “Secondly, unlike some of you people, I actually have some fucking self-respect! I would never just fling my mouth onto anyone’s penis! Third of all, I wouldn’t even know how to do such a thing and I would NEVER let my first experience be-”

“Now, wait a moment, Kaoru-chan,” Shouma cut through his words, “your first experience? You’re a virgin?”

Kaoru went quiet at those words. His face goes red yet again, but for a different reason from before. He opened and closed his mouth, unable to get even a squeak out.

“I mean, I had always suspected it but now we have actual confirmation!”

“Wh-what does it matter!?” Kaoru said, trying to regain his composure, “It’s not as if I’m the only one here who's never had such… experiences! It’s perfectly normal, even at this age! Now, if we cou-”

Minori drunkenly giggled, “Fufu, this is making me think of when I first had my v card swiped~”

“Hah?!”

He ignored Kaoru and continued on, “How old was I then? I must’ve been about 16 or 17.” Minori sighed dreamily, “I remember it so fondly~ My, er, s-senpai invited me over after school one day to spend the night. We were supposed to be working on a project together and, well, let’s just say things got a bit heated all of a sudden!” A smirk spread across his face, “Anyway, we had a couple of flings here and there, it was a very on-and-off kind of thing, y’know?”

Kaoru couldn’t even respond to what had just come from Minori’s mouth. He slid back down into his seat, his heart sinking in fear of what he had just sparked.

Shouma nodded when Minori finished recounting his… tale, “Well now, this senpai of yours sounds like he was quite the charmer, wasn’t he?”

“Fu, he certainly was! Some of our friends thought we really were an item too.”

“How did you meet this darling senpai of yours, by the way?”

Minori paused, “Uh, w-we were in the same club, ehehe...”

“Makes me think of my own first~”

“Oh? Do tell, Shouma!”

He put a finger to his chin in thought, “Let’s see, my body count’s so high it took me quite some time to remember, but like Minorun, it was back in high school for me as well! I was in my school’s theatre club and not getting any leading roles so, uh,” Shouma chuckled lightly, “I thought I’d seduce my darling club president! Never intended to actually sleep with him or anything, haha! I just got so caught up in flirting with him, then realized just how hot he was and one thing led to another!”

The sound of someone spitting their drink and then gagging came from the bar side. Hideo spun around on the barstool, still coughing, “Sorry, but WHAT?!?”

“Oh?” Shouma looked over at him, “I thought you already knew, my dear Hero-chan! Didn’t I tell you about it last Sunday over dinner?”

“YOU DIDN’T GO INTO THAT MUCH DETAIL?!?!”

He simply laughed in response, “Well, that’s because of your silly ‘no in-depth discussion about sex at the dinner table’ rule!”

Kaoru held his head in his hands and groaned, “I want to leave.”

“I lost mine when I was in university!” Rui joined in, “It was with a guy in my class during my first year there!”

“M-Michael,” A confused Hokuto had joined the conversation, too, “I wasn’t attending uni during your first year…?”

Rui replied a bit too cheerfully, “I know! You were far from my first, Hokuto! It should’ve been obvious from how much more I knew about sex than you back then!”

Hokuto didn’t even respond as Rui talked. He just sat there, slowly sipping away at his drink. In addition to the pity he was already feeling for Kaoru, Jiro felt sorry for Hokuto as all of... THAT got revealed.

“Koron-chan, Michio-chan, what about you two?” Shouma suddenly asked.

Chris was caught off-guard, “Me? W-well, ah, I lost mine to...” He trailed off.

“Hmm? I couldn’t quite hear you, Koron-chan.”

“It was...”

“Me.” Said Amehiko, snaking an arm around Chris’s waist and pulling him closer, “And he was my first human, too.”

Shouma put a hand to his chin, “Oh, this is certainly interesting!”

“Wait a minute, did you just say Koron was your ‘first human?’”

Completely ignoring Jiro’s very legitimate question, Rui looked across the table, “Your turn, Mister Hazama!”

Michio blinked, then cleared his throat, “Well, it was with-”

Jiro got a bad feeling, “Hazama-san, you don’t need to answer tha-”

“-Yamashita-kun, at his apartment one day when we had a day off together, we-”

“Th-that’s enough, Hazama-san!” Jiro shouted over Michio’s words. He wasn’t expecting him to attempt to go into detail, fucking alcohol.

Rui put a finger to his cheek and said, “Oh! I remember that day!”

Both Michio and Jiro coughed and sputtered at the words that came from their coworker’s mouth. “Rui?!/Maita-kun?!”

“The walls of our apartment complex are super thin! I didn’t put in a noise complaint or anything so don’t worry! Plus, Mister Yamashita has totally heard Hokuto and I going at it at least once or even twice!”

“Michael?!?!”

As the four of them got caught up in their own thing, the main conversation marched forward. Much to the glee of a handful of the adults, and the dissatisfaction of most of the others.

Shouma turned his head towards the other table, “What about you, Wing-chan? Got any stories?”

Tsubasa blinked in surprise, “Eh, m-me?! Well, I don’t have anything nearly as thrilling as your guys' stories...”

“It’s totally fine!” Minori waved it off, “Even just regular relationship stuff is fine!”

“Really?” Relief washed over him, “If that’s the case, while I haven’t done, th-that yet, I did have my first kiss when I was about 14.” Tsubasa went red as he remembered, “I was at a friend’s Christmas party, and there was mistletoe up and a classmate of mine and I were under it…”

“Aww, that’s actually quite cute, Wing-chan~!”

“W-we never ended up dating or anything, though!” Tsubasa waved his hands in a flustered manner, “I didn’t have my first relationship until highschool. A boy in my math class asked me out after school one day. I was so surprised! We didn’t do much more than kiss, and ended up splitting during senior year, but we stayed friends! Oh, and-”

Kaoru breathed an inward sigh of relief as Tsubasa rambled on about his highschool boyfriend. After all the other stories he was tormented with, it was practically a Godsend to hear something so nice, so pure, so-

“Wow, Mister Kashiwagi! Your boyfriend sounds a lot like the guy I lost my virginity to!”

...He thought too fucking soon.

Ignoring the kerfuffle that had just started, Minori switched his gaze over to the bar area, “Oh, Teru!” He called out in an almost sing-song tone, “Surely you have a story or two to share!”

“Huh, me?” Teru’s eyes widened as he was dragged back into the conversation he sparked, looking significantly more sober than earlier, “Uh, I did have a girlfriend back in high school, but I ended up never doin’ anything with her, so she broke up with me...”

Shouma put a hand to his face in disbelief, “Is that so? To think you’d get dumped in such a way...”

“A-anyway!” Teru’s face flushed up at Shouma’s comment, “I didn’t end up seeing anyone else later on, had my first kiss in college, but that’s-”

“Oh~ How did your first kiss go?” Minori said, fully intent on not letting him get away with sparse details.

“Do I really have to?”

“No need to get all embarrassed now, Teru!” Minori sounded almost too cheerful saying that.

Teru sighed, “Alright, alright. During freshman year, I got invited to some party on campus. Pretty much all of us got totally shitfaced at it. Next morning, I wake up with basically no memory, except...”

“Except what?”

He put his face in his hands, “...except, drunkenly making out with some guy I met at the party.” Teru groaned, “Had no fuckin’ clue who he was and I still don’t! Never ran into him ever again.”

“Oh my~” Shouma smirked, “Now that is quite a thrilling first kiss!”

Teru put his face down on the bar counter in defeat.

Minori’s attention went back to his own table, “Come on, Kaoru, don’t have such a look on your face!”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

He simply smiled at Kaoru, “The whole time Teru was talking about his previous experiences, jealousy was written all over your face~”

His cheeks heated up once more, “I-I was NOT jealous!”

“Uh-huh, sure, and I’m a virgin.”

“Ggh!” Kaoru glared at him. He reached for his glass and brought it to his lips, saying anything more would only dig him a deeper grave than what he was already in.

Among the absolute bullshit that had occurred, a voice came from the bar side of the corner, “So, uh, did anyone else see that new drama that premiered the other night?”

Shingen Seiji: the poor bastard stuck as the designated driver for this drinking party.

“Ah, Seiji-chan!” Shouma waved a hand and called out to him, “You wouldn’t happen to have any stories, would you?”

Seiji scratched at his face with a sheepish look, “Well, I’ve never really been in a relationship before, so-”

“Wait, wait, wait, stop.” Minori gave him a strangely serious look, “So you’re telling us that you and Michiru aren’t dating?”

“N-no? We’re just good bros.”

“Oh my fucking God.”

Shouma shook his head with a sigh, “Oh well then, maybe you could tell us about, say, any one night stands that you’ve maybe had before?”

The blond’s words made Kaoru damn near choke on his drink, but he managed to keep it down.

Seiji pondered, “Let’s see, there was this one time where Michiru and I had a fairly intense work-out session together which led to some things happening and...”

Their corner of the bar went dead silent as Seiji spoke. All eyes now on him. Even the group involved in Rui’s side discussion had stopped to pay attention to the former soldier.

He straightened up in his seat, “Oh, it was just a bro thing! Haha...”

“Yeah, sure it was.”

“That’s what my senpai and I were saying to each other at first.”

“Shingen-san, are you really, REALLY, sure you and Enjoji-san aren’t dating?”

Jiro simply watched the new scene unfold before him. He finished off his whiskey, which had long since gone warm.

“Hey, um, guys, just a quick question.” Hideo suddenly piped up, “Who the fuck is the one ordering all these peas?”

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