#aka the ‘hey cw let barry deal with his grief AT ALL’ fic

[shrinkthisviolet]

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I’m gonna give a commentary on all love ever does is (begin again)! Specifically some choice parts from it.

To start off:

And…and his dad. Barry chokes, thinking of the wish—the desire—to save his dad, the one he brushed aside for the sake of the timeline. The timeline that has never done a kindness for him, yet one that he’s expected to maintain nonetheless, lest he fall to madness like Thawne. Even when he’s alone, even as he watches his friends and family suffer every day…he’s expected to apologize and smile and push down his grief and carry on like nothing is wrong. It’s infuriating.

Flashpoint in general was shortchanged on the show. We only see an episode of it, then one episode of him undoing it and feeling conflicted about it…and then the episodes after that are focused on blaming Barry (which isn’t entirely unfounded, though it also kind of is, because of them blaming him for random ripple effects—but anyway, that’s a rant for a different post).

What I wanted to focus on was that second part: Barry undoing Flashpoint and feeling disoriented by the changes and also guilty about undoing it. Or maybe for doing it in the first place. Or maybe both.

It was also important for me to highlight that this choice stemmed from his grief over his dad. As much as he was going back to save his mom…he was also trying to save his dad, and that latter part is never really brought up by the show? It’s suggested, sure, but every time Flashpoint is discussed, Barry’s motives are solely tied to Nora Allen, not Henry. Which misses the point of why it happened. I wanted to highlight the Henry aspect of it, especially since this fic is all about Barry & Henry in particular.

And also…Barry carries a lot of resentment against the Speed Force in addition to his guilt. He doesn’t unleash that resentment until the Temptation arc in s6, but it’s strongly suggested (or stated? I don’t remember exactly) that he’s been carrying this for years. So here, I liked getting to mention that—the resentment would’ve been at an all-time high with the fallout of Flashpoint, I’m sure (it would’ve simmered after that for a few years, but right in the wake of it? Oh, yeah, that resentment would be high).

But then someone snatches him out of the time stream, and Barry’s heart nearly stops, because that looks like… Like his dad. But his dad’s not a speedster, and his dad doesn’t dress like the Flash, and there’s only one person he knows who that wonky helmet belongs to. “Jay Garrick?” He hopes he’s wrong. “Flash.” He’s not. “We need to talk.”

And speaking of Henry!! I don’t remember how many times after s2 it’s brought up that Jay (the real one ofc) is Henry’s doppelgänger, but iirc, it’s not mentioned in s3. I gotta believe that informed every interaction Barry had with Jay forever, ad infinitum…and certainly here, in s3, when he’s lecturing Barry. That’s gotta make Barry feel like he’s a kid being scolded by his dad again. He even basically says that here:

Jay’s words. But they feel like a scolding from his father, and the guilt burns.

And as a section break (and because this is getting pretty long), here’s a cut! The rest of the commentary is continued below:

“But why have these powers, if I can't go back and fix what I broke?” He remembers the Peter Parker line from Civil War, the essence of Spider-Man at his core: When you can do the things that I can, and you don’t, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.

As mentioned in the end notes…Civil War came out in April 2016, and Zoom killed Henry in May 2016. You can’t convince me Barry didn’t have this quote playing on a loop in his head in the immediate wake of Henry’s death, being locked in the Pipeline, handling Zoom…and then Flashpoint. I’m sure he did.

“I’ve handled most of the funeral arrangements,” she explains, her eyes so impossibly sad, “but you’re next of kin, and he’s your dad, you should be involved with planning it too.” She smiles sadly. “It might help, Barry.” And…well, what does Iris know about grieving a dead parent anyway? Especially in this circumstance? Earth-2 Iris lost Joe at Killer Frost’s hand, but it wasn’t personal, and Earth-1 Iris doesn’t know about that. The closest equivalent she has is Francine, and even then, the two weren’t close. She didn’t have to watch her dad killed by a vengeful speedster who only did it as a means of personality corruption. Iris has no idea how he feels, and he shouts this at her in no uncertain terms. Her eyes glisten with tears, but she drops the subject.

Ah, Barry’s patented defense mechanism: lashing out at his loved ones. Doing so at Iris is especially telling, because it speaks to just how not okay he really is :(

Also, regarding the funeral…I sorta forgot while initially writing this that they already had a funeral in 2x22 😅 I remembered a week or two later. And basically the explanation I came up with it in my own head to reconcile this is: one of the Flashpoint changes was that the funeral was postponed rather than occurring during 2x22.

They all hug him, tight and strong, all of them crying. It’s a relief, almost, to be hugged and comforted by people that knew his dad—his girlfriend, his future daughter-in-law, and his best friend. Henry didn’t know Caitlin as well, but Barry caught them gushing over medical stuff together, and Barry was glad they’d found friendship in each other, and Caitlin is Barry’s friend, and so is Tina tangentially, and Joe's family, and Iris is the love of his life. And all of that is more than he can say for anyone else here.

So, to clarify, the three people listed by epithets are: Tina (Henry’s girlfriend, they were so adorable in that one episode they got together), Iris (Henry’s future daughter-in-law), and Joe (Henry’s best friend). And I liked slipping in a moment of Caitlin & Henry’s friendship, because I gotta believe they bonded. Especially since they’re both doctors…even if neither of their specialties are ever specified by the show.

(does Caitlin even have one?? Closest I can guess is that she’s a PCP medically speaking, but then how can she perform surgery?? Then again, how can Julian and Iris perform surgery??)

Oh and also:

There’s a notable absence there, and it stings, but Barry’s anger wars with his guilt—Cisco likely doesn’t want to attend another funeral so soon after his brother’s, especially being so angry at Barry still. That doesn’t mean Barry doesn’t hate him for skipping it anyway.

Can’t forget what else is happening in early s3, now can we 😭

Vindictively, Barry’s a little pleased to see Jesse taken to task. Her powers—their powers—aren’t to be messed with lightly, and everyone seems aware of it but her, and everyone’s all too happy to tell her. In Barry’s opinion, they don’t need another speedster on the team messing everything up—he’s having a hard enough time fixing his own mistakes without worrying about someone else’s. And then Jesse helps Barry stop a meta, and Harry gives her a suit, and Barry zips around the Speed Lab—wow, that’s new, isn’t it?—until the urge to scream at Jesse dissipates. She’s a child, a naive little girl, she doesn’t deserve this, what gives her the right to get everything, while I lose everyth—?

And here’s this. It’s never suggested even in the show that Barry is jealous of Jesse in any way, but I do feel like given where his head is at in this fic, it makes sense. Jesse wants to use her powers every chance she gets (because she was rescued from Zoom and is not the main character, thus her trauma no longer exists), she’s scolded and held back at first…and then she succeeds once and is embraced as a hero.

Jesse’s getting encouragement and laurels, while Barry is still struggling with the weight of his failures. Is that fair to blame on Jesse? No. But that’s the point. Barry’s in a bad headspace right now, and deep down, he knows Jesse doesn’t deserve his anger, but he has to put it somewhere.

Really, the anger is masking concern. He says as much to Henry's grave:

“There’s a new speedster,” he whispers. “Jesse. You remember her, don’t you, Dad? Turns out she got powers from that explosion that almost killed me.” He sniffs. “So clever. So, so smart. Her dad loves her. As he should. But she’s so reckless too, you know? “I’ve spent the past few days hating her for it. For her powers. But I think that’s because no one else hates her powers anymore. They did at first—at least her dad did, because he was scared of what it meant—but not anymore. She used them to save me from a meta, and…and now… “Now everyone’s treating her like a hero. Like they treated me, after the whole Thawne mess. And I’m sore about it, because I’m trying to clean up my mistakes, and I’m watching another speedster come into her own, and…and she’s getting the hero worship—and I don’t want the hero worship, I don’t, but it’s…” But it’s easier to be praised and lauded than to face the consequences. “She has no idea,” he chokes, “how dangerous these powers are. How tempting. The power to change the past? How could anyone resist it for long? How could anyone grieve a parent and not want to bring them back?

Although that little speech comes just a short while after he lashes out at Harry for expressing concern over him:

“Don’t you have a speedster daughter to worry about? She has time travel too, you know!” Harry’s eyes widen. “You did make the same mistake. Why? That’s not like—” “Because Zoom killed my father, in case you forgot!”

And Harry, of course, isn’t having it:

Harry turns to face him head-on, and the look in his eyes—firm but not intense—nearly takes Barry aback. “I’m saying, Allen, that you act like you’re the only one grieving your father. You’re not.”

...

“You’re right, no one knows him like you do. But love isn’t as simple as that. You can be loved by a hundred different people, and they can all feel your loss like a stab to the heart, and they can all grieve in similar ways.” Harry looks away. “Believe me, Allen, that’s a lesson I’m still trying to learn. A lesson I often struggle with. Don’t make my mistakes. You’re better than that.” “Because I’m a hero?” Barry quips. “Because you’re Bartholomew Henry Allen. You carry his name. That has meaning. Be a man your father would be proud of.”

Of course, he also reiterates that this is advice he’s still learning to follow. Harry’s great at giving advice (hey, he’s been a dad for 17-18 years, he ought to have picked up some wisdom from it), not so much at following it…even when he really should.

He also reassures Barry in his own gruff way, when Barry gives way to his perpetual self-blame and guilt:

“What if I’m not strong enough? What if I hurt someone, or make the wrong choice again?” Harry’s gaze is steady as ever, unflinching. “When you got your powers, did you immediately know how to use them?” “What?” Barry frowns. “No, I—” “Did you always make the right call? Were you always the perfect hero?” “Of course not!” “Of course not,” Harry parrots, “which is why you needed a Team, at first, to help you get your bearings. And a mentor. And you needed to give yourself time, to learn how to use your powers, and the room to make mistakes. There’s no handbook for being a superhero. What makes you think grief would be any different?” “But Thawne—” “—was from the future. Maybe there’s a handbook in that time. But there isn’t one now. There are things you still don’t know, things that I don’t know. I’m terrified every day of Jesse having powers, but I can’t hold her back and pretend her powers don’t exist. Likewise, you can’t bury your grief and pretend it doesn’t exist, or it’ll explode out of you. Like with your earlier time-travel decision.” “That’s not—you have no idea—” “I’m not a speedster. But I know grief.”

Takes one grieving man to recognize another…even if one is grieving his wife and mother of his child, while the other is grieving his father (and, honestly? Probably his mom too, all over again, after having to let Thawne kill her to restore this timeline)

Of course, it ends hopefully. Or, I guess, bittersweetly:

“Come on, let’s go. Jesse’s already twice as hungry as before, now that her metabolism’s gone up.” “That’ll be fun to deal with.” “That’s my headache, Allen. Yours is gonna be training her.” Barry groans, remembering Jesse’s recklessness even before she got her powers. With the added bonus of the Speed Force… “Oh no.” “Buckle up.” Harry grins.  “I can’t wait to see this.”

Life goes on, and so must they. That grief lingers, it can never be “fixed”, but it can become easier to grow around over time. But that’s not something that can happen in such a short time. So as far as endings go…that’s the happiest one you can hope for in a fic like this.

(It’s interesting, btw, how Harry reacts to Barry’s anger vs how everyone else does. We know from canon that everyone gives Barry a wide berth when he's angry, giving him time to cool off.

Harry, though? He just barrels right in with all his bluntness, because he has no time or patience for mincing words or stepping on eggshells. And this approach should by all accounts be kindling to further ignite the fire...but it turns out to be exactly what Barry needs)

director’s cut ask game!