#ahhh ive been absent for so long

[barnabyseyelashes]

crewmate’s log

life (?) update

been writing this for a while mentally i guess. really good at just thinking things and not doing them. but an update bc i know i’ve been absent; for some of you longer than others, and i do regret and am sorry for that. i do love and care about you and think about you all even when i am gone, and i hope everyone has been holding on. 

i feel like i’m one of the maquis adrift on the voyager, and it has been a long, lonely hard travel. and unfortunately often i feel like a worse person for it. 

general c/tw for illness/covid/cancer, IPV, parental death. it is kinda long so feel free to skim/skip as needed. 

my spouse and i have very little IRL support, we have been paying over $4k usd a month on rent alone, my mom and sister are the only family i’ve spoken to since december. spouse working full time in thankfully a better job with a shorter commute but having to care full time for me & our elderly ill cat when at home. 

and this is probably the sickest i’ve ever been in my life which is saying a lot, considering ive been poisoned by toxic black mold before & have dealt with literally crippling stomach issues previous. ever since november everything has been happening. i slept basically all december, i was too tired to be awake more than 3-5 hours at a time most days. i haven’t even been able to wash my hair or proper shower since. much of december and january i was unable to walk (and i mean literally dragging myself with my arms/using my moms walker as crutches unable to walk) which was a fun new exciting development. thankfully we started to live our current place by then, as our apartment is on the second floor with awful cinder stairs. though we still haven’t moved for real and are stuck paying for it until near may. soooo really uh not jazzed to find out how we will move in the next two months when i still have days i can’t walk. especially since again we basically have no IRL support. i’m doing better at least a little, i’ve started nutrient IV therapy again which is helping even if it’s extremely difficult (and expensive). my stomach is still so fucked up that i can barely eat. it’s so clenched all the time if i have more than like 3 crackers i will have Lead Weight and 6-10 hours of pain :) thank you cannabis literally without her i would not be eating at all. even still i’m belching like a beer hall competitor for hours most days it fucking sucks. the only real progress tho has been that at least i’ve been having a lot fewer panic attacks and less general anxiety now that we are living in our new spot which i’m very grateful for. kinda surprising bc usually if my stomach hurts i have anxiety and often panic so that at least has been a relief. the rest of my brain has been fucking trash garbage tho, nonverbal or partially verbal mostly. multiple meltdowns a week when b4 it was a biannual occurrence. no brain power, lots of autistic rage & ideation. just awful to be & inflict on everyone else. i am sorry for that. it is largely why i shut down at times. i simply fucking have to. 

obviously i’ve been too sick to really do anything but spouse and i are deep in our pokémon hole and it’s keeping us good company. lol despite the graphics scvi are pretty good games. writing? character development? in MY pokémon main series game? more likely than you think.. 

still it’s so bittersweet to be saying sayonara to satoshi shounen, ah ah ahhh i’m gonna cry so hard (already have). but i think the new series will be good. it will just be different. 

also i was blessed bc in the first 30 min of playing i caught a shiny mareep, one of my top 6 fave lines and one of my fave shinies. i only caught 1 in pogo and so i was so jazzed. she’s carried us 💖 my beloved deanna (like dddk, not tng) 

one of the things that’s also been good is our new living situation, even if its annoying and complicated sometimes to share with other people, i’m glad we are living with my literal oldest friend and the only person from high school i still talk to lol. we have a cottage, bigger than our old one, and even tho it doesn’t have a bathroom, the insulation & windows are shit, it’s been good. & it is under 2k a month, we got a small room in the main house now too so spouse has an office & we have some extra storage. but the best is having space to make a large, productive garden, and my friends 3 ducks and 3 chickens. skip the next part if you don’t wanna see my essay about them LMAO.  

and omg gay people, i’ll never not be raising poultry now. bird flu in domestic flock was finally detected in our county this winter, which makes me sweat a bit but fingers crossed we will be ok. my friends ex (who lived here b4 us) did most of the bird care. since i’ve been here tho it’s basically all been me, and of my choice. tricky when i have been sick but truthfully they take about 20 min a day of daily care, and maybe an hour a week of general maitenence. in early autumn when we got here, it was so easy to be outside for hours with them.. no one had ever been able to pet them before. my friend wasn’t even trusted enough to see the duckies swim in their pool while she was in the yard! nowadays the two nonskittish ducks are happy to pop in there even if i’m in the splash zone 🤣 i’m awful i do love the ducks best because they are sweet, simple creatures who know what’s good in life (treats, bodies of water, naps, frequent loud gay sex) while the chickens are a bit mean 😭 i still haven’t resolved the pecking order issues (the lowest chicken, emma [cream legbar], always beats up on the nervous duck, lydia [ancona]) but hopefully in summer i’ll be able to help shift that. kitty (brown khaki campbell) & jane (silver welsh harlequin) are very well trained to “cmere” and eat readily (jane, too readily..) from my hand. the dominant chickens, boss lady/lizzie (black ameraucana supposably) & eleanor (grey lace silverruds blå) will do the same but they aren’t quite as good at the recall lol. i’ve been reading on raising them all, working on gentling them, and enriching their lives.. i love it. they have really helped me, especially kitty. she is very special. she is the smallest but she lays the hugest fucking eggs, and since mid autum it’s been DAILY. like lord girl you gotta stop and moult eventually your feathers are so tatty. spouse has breakfast every day now though. i’m allergic to eggs so 😂 oh well. they’re great fun to raise regardless. (i’ve even recently gotten skittish lydia to eat worms from my hand, so i’ve officially touched them all!!) 

anyway i could talk about my beloved birds for fuckin ever obviously lol but i also wanna write about my family a bit too, bc so much has happened. tw covid , IPV , cancer 

i may have had covid in summer/early fall but my mom and sis got it for real, both of them in december/january. i don’t remember which. my mom got hers likely from the hospital cuz her ONCOLOGIST told her to get her mri there instead of the specialty mri clinic :) which is nice. my mom has lymphoma as well as several autoimmune diseases and pretty severe mental illness. she has been sick in and off since. she is sick rn & i am missing this weeks IV because of that. so shout out to california removing mask requirements in healthcare settings as of april 🤮👍 

my sister got hers from her shitty ex bf. that man supported her while she dealt with numerous health issues and surgeries in.. 2020..1? 21 i think. idk. maybe both. he supported her thru the hell that the last year was. up until last month when he fucking attacked her over a disagreement about a LITTER BOX. literally grabbed her , held her, and dumped dirty cat litter box over her head then destroyed the box with a huge chefs knife. bc that’s a really normal response. my sister had to call the cops. she’s gonna get a restraining order against him and his fucked up parents. but now she’s out she’s realized he had been abusing her verbally & emotionally like their whole relationship. 💔 i’m just so glad she fucking survived and he didn’t do worse, good god. she has been staying in our apartment most of the winter bc covid and now until she can get her own place so even tho we are hemmoraghing money on that shithole, at least it’s useful.. bc lol my moms husband literally told my sister “well in your bfs defense, any guy would react like that to a woman behaving like that” LIKE UM? NO?!??!? so she isn’t comfortable being there. spouse and i never felt safe around that man and it is a large reason we moved from my cottage at my moms to my dads place to begin with. so at least we have officially broken off any relationship to that trash man which is great but my mom won’t leave him so i have to just make my peace that disease will take her if he doesn’t someday. fun stuff. 

tw parental death

also cool and fun things happening lately is that this saturday it will have been a year since my fathers physical form drew breath. to say this last 15 or so months have sucked shit is the biggest understatement ever. my aunt currently has like two days to settle his estate; yes she still has a large proportion of my sister & my inheritance. no i haven’t seen or spoken to her since my grandpas funeral in september but i’m the “child of her heart” like ok. & my da had a reverse mortgage on our home of 20 years, and they forced us to sell it within a few months instead of the 12 legally we were allowed. that move was absolute hell. and i had to spend 8k on movers just for some of them to 1% ass it; they literally broke multiple peices of my dads ceramic artworks bc i tried and tried to get people to help me pack them but no one but my mom did. she couldn’t manage them all. it’s hard to forgive myself. it’s so fucking enourmous to bear the weight of knowing i have to be the one who cares for and maintaines his body of work, at least the bulk of it. god that fucker i’m still mad he gave away my favourite bowl to a goddamn woman he met at the pool LMFAO classic mike manoeuvre. one of his brothers took the fish vase i wanted too.. and the vase that matches the one he was throwing when my moms water broke with me. if it was steve i forgive you because my uncle steve also is dying of bladder cancer rn (da had multiple myeloma, diagnosed 2016) and i feel shit for not speaking with him for months but. illness. larry you’re on thin ice, hugh if it was you i’ll kill you myself 🔪  same for you mary especially cuz u actually knew i wanted that shit. 

dads bday was literally in january but did any one of those bitches text me? no. did any of his friends text me? no. tbf i can barely respond to texts but like still.. i feel bad i haven’t seen or called my grandma but also. illness! been nonverbal most days! so like 🥲 everyone else has their grief too i get it but lol to have everyone say “we will be there for you” and for literally no one to be seen its very hurtful. at least one of his friends text me to check in on me and my sister yday. but it really truly feels like no one gives a shit. and with my moms lack of health i’m having to prepare to be an orphan within 5 years.  

my sister bought a star for him months ago in some registry. i didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was near meaningless, these registries aren’t anything, no one can own these things. but on clear nights i still look off the leading edge of the plow into whatever near nothingness that faint light is coming from, adrift in emptiness. 

———

anyways that’s pretty much all from me. (is it enough LOL. happy saturn return with saturn in sideral aquarius. in my 1H too 😩) as i get better i will be getting back slowly into discord and shit, i’ve literally just been too exhausted and unable to function. some of yiz have known abt some of this, but mostly my main acct tweeps & tumblr muts haven’t, so i just figured i would write this, and maybe it would help me in some way. hopefully i’ll be back on tumblr soon too, i literally just can’t use it with our internet (and lack of) here lmfao. i’ll slowly be getting this out to my e-circles as i have energy in the next days. 

sending love to you all in pawsitivity discord; yuri horse club, gabriel, kurt & folks from tumblr; and all the rest of yiz. (i don’t mean to forget or omit anyone, honest). i hate that illness & shit has kept me from you. the last year has taught me well to value the time we have and it is not guaranteed. i love you all, i miss you, and i am wishing you well. i am hoping to reconnect soon. beannachtaí 💚💙💜 

[tisenife]

The types as element benders from Avatar

Our extroverted function is the one we use to interact with the outside world, and the one I think would best represent the type’s bending skill:

Firebending-SPs: Flashy, expressive. Most of Firebending moves resemble dancing, and there’s even a dragon dance in it. Firebending is very destructive and can go wrong pretty easily, so it goes well with the thrill-seeker Se.

Earthbending-TJs: Not only useful for attacking but also for building, shielding and moving around, which Te would appreciate. Good at holding their ground, most stoic postures and moves of all the benders, require firm footing and a strong will to command the earth.

Waterbending-FJs: Water is the element of change, just like Fe is able to adapt in order to accommodate different needs from different people. Also, healing ability, just like Fe is concerned with the wellbeing of others.

Airbending-NPs: The world is full of possibilities and the sky is the limit. Able to see the bigger picture from above and detaching themselves from earthly problems. Value personal freedom highly.

[kitsoa]

10 People You Want to Know Better

I have been tagged by the wonderful @birdmenmanga and I really like these questions so yeah.

---

Relationship status: Pretty darn single and kinda pathetic about it. Turns out college is the last place where you meet new people and that number drops dramatically after that fact. Now you have to actively try to socialize and that does not work with my lifestyle.

Favorite colors: I am very fond of purple. Like the pinkish, magenta shade and then the light lavender shades.

Favorite foods: My mom's cooking is wonderful. I love her enchiladas especially. I also love sushi.

Song stuck in my head: Instant Crush-- Shawn Hook cover it's probably one of IV[or]y Wall's main themes at this point.

Last thing you googled: egg freshness water test --I was cooking and I'm paranoid about them eggs. I always forget the rule of thumb with the water test.

Time: 9:47 PM

Dream trip: I'm not the biggest fan of traveling but I guess I really enjoyed NYC the past couple times I was there. Otherwise I like something more peaceful.

Last thing you read: I was browsing a couple Linked Universe fanfic, that stuff makes me feel like I'm in high school but it's like a nice, indulging feeling.

Last book you enjoyed reading: I just read Witch Hat Atelier and I think it's an actual masterpiece. We don't speak of the last book I've read, I don't do that much these days.

Favorite thing to cook/bake: My signature dish is something called Mayonaise Chicken. It's a parmesan cheese and mayo sauce baked on some chicken breast. It's very yummy. As for baking, I just started making apple pies and I find it really fun.

Favorite craft to do in your free time: I guess my digital art is very much my artistic hobby. But I'll also consider writing my 'free time craft'.

Most niche dislike: Ugh, it's not niche because it's an interpersonal quirk but one you only see in my music circles. I am not a fan of cross-section correction. I am a section leader for multiple choirs and I will fume a storm if someone dares correct my section or another section other than theirs. It has a lot to do with trusting the integrity of the professionals in the room. Stepping on those toes in a public setting is insulting and the benefit of assistance is overshadowed by the contempt it breeds. The section leader is in charge of an individual section's mistakes and successes and we run on a 'stay in your own lane' or at least be sneaky about it. A choir is only as strong as its section leaders and director and cross-section correction doesn't actually fix that and it just makes everyone hate your stuck up ass.

Opinion on circuses: Uhhh They cool. As long as we are talking the modern, spectacle showcases and not the oddity, animal abuse factories of the turn of the century. I'm a performer I like people who perform.

Do you have a sense of direction?  kinda. I'll live but I will GPS everything if given the chance.

---

idk who to tag. ahhh please tag urself from me. I know it defeats the purpose but I've been a little absent here and some of the people I would tag I respect too much to ever bother them. haaaaa

[thebutterflyranger]

100 Diamonds in the Rough: Childhood

It’s been a long, long time since i’ve written or published anything. I really missed it and i’m so glad i’m able to do it again. Not sure how many people will even read this (ive lost some of my old ra fandom gang), but those who do…please enjoy. It’s a wholesome one.

Summary: Crowley meets Will’s first child for the first time and Halt is a soft grandpa.

Read it here: ff.net

048: Childhood

Crowley smiled contently, closing his eyes as the warm sunlight shined down on him. After weeks of dreary clouds and pouring rain the sun had finally decided to reveal herself, and didn’t know how much he had missed her until she returned. He ran his fingers through the soft grass underneath him, reveling in the fact that he could once again sit on the ground without worrying about leaving with a wet patch on his behind. It felt so peaceful, he thought to himself, not to hear the sound of pouring rain battering all around. He was about to get out a loud, pleased sigh when a distinctly irked voice stopped him.

“Why do you have that stupid smile on your face?”

Crowley opened his eyes to look at Halt sitting cross-legged an arms length away, glowering at him. They were both sat in the clearing by the Redmont Ranger cabin. Behind his friend’s displeased face the Commandant could make out movement of figures inside the house, but he dismissed them and looked back at his friend.

“What’s not to smile about, Halt,” he replied cheerfully. “The weather cannot get any more beautiful can this!”

“Perhaps,” Halt snorted. “But your acting as if you’re in a damn play with your dramatic smiles and sighs.” He pulled on the grass absently, plucking a small chunk out and throwing it to the side. “Its as if you have never seen the sun before.”

Crowley smiled, unabashed by Halt’s words. “I’ll admit, I’ve always been dramatic. That���s probably why as a child I wanted to an actor.”

Halt raised his eyebrow. Despite knowing Crowley for over ten years, he was still learning new things about him. “Thank god you didn’t”.

“Yes…” Crowley said with a mock forlorn voice, looking away wistfully. He leaped into a monologue. “ Long long ago in the quiet countryside…I was but a wee lad…”

Halt rolled his eyes in exasperation as the red-headed Ranger covered his eyes with the back of his hand. “Please, don’t.”

“…I had a big dream.”

“Stop it.”

“My dream was to one day become…”

“I beg of you.”

“… A STAR!” Crowley ended dramatically, burying his head into his hands suddenly in faux despair. Then he looked up and grinned, proud of himself. “That was good, wasn’t it?”

But when he looked back at Halt, he realized that the grizzly ranger was no longer paying attention to him. He was looking over his shoulder at Will, who was coming towards them from the cabin with something, or rather someone, special in his arms.

“Now there is something to smile about,” Halt said softly. The frown was wiped from his face and replaced with a warm look, a ghost of a smile on his lips. The smile continued to widen slowly as his former apprentice came closer and finally stopped in front of both of them.

“Crowley, Halt,” Will greeted both of them. “Sorry I’m late. I had to sort some business out with Alyss before she left for her meeting.”

Crowley waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. He was not on official business, only visiting his old friends.

“Never mind that, Will.” He smiled widely, his eyes on what Will was holding in his arms. “Introduce me to this new little friend of ours.”

The young Ranger grinned, turning his body to the side to allow the Commandant to get a better look at his child. “Well, Crowley, this is Neveah, my daughter. She is almost six months now, you know?. You should have come by earlier to meet her, shame on you.”

Crowley chuckled, knowing Will was joking. He shook his head slowly.

“Shame on me, indeed.”

He stared at the baby’s face as she looked back at him. Her brown eyes were wide open, staring at him curiously. She didn’t recognize him, but when he grinned up at her she broke into a wide, adorable, toothless smile and he couldn’t help the small “aww” that escaped his lip. Crowley loved children, even though he would never have any of his own he prided himself on being the “fun uncle” to his siblings kids.

He glanced at Halt and was surprised to see his friend’s face was pulled in a wide smile. He looked back at the baby with interest. This baby is powerful enough to break the stern Halt, he thought. She will be one to be reckoned with in the future.

Realizing he had been silent a moment too long, Crowley said to Will, “Well Will, congratulations on such a precious child. She looks so much like you.”

“You think so?” Will turned his neck to examine her face, as if he did not stare at her during most parts of the day.

“Oh yes, most definitely.”

He was right. As the young ranger moved to sit down beside them, settling his infant in his lap and holding her tight to him, Crowley could clearly see the resemblance. Her hair, as little as there was, was the same dark brown as her fathers. Her eyes were almost identical to his: big, brown, sparkling, with long eyelashes. Her skin was tanned, much like Will’s, and her smile showed she also inherited his deep dimples. Although there was some resemblance with Alyss - the nose - Neveah was Will Treaty’s baby.

“Thank you,” Will said while looking down, gently straightening out the wrinkles in his infant’s outfit. “You are not the first person to say that.” He looked up and gave Halt a meaningful look and his master nodded.

“Yes. I was telling Will that his child reminds me so much of how he looked when I first met him. When I tried to save his mother”. He saw the recognition in Crowley’s eyes

“Ahhh, I see.” He leaned back and looked at Will thoughtfully. “That means you must have been around five or six months when Halt found you and took you the Ward”

Will nodded. “I must have,” he said softly.

Halt caught the expression of grim sadness that washed over his former apprentice’s face, and couldn’t help but carry that same feeling in his stomach. He had never really understood how damaging it was for Will that he lost his parents at such a young age. Looking at his granddaughter now, the older Ranger realized just young and terrified Will must have been being suddenly ripped from parents loved him. The Ward, as nurturing as the place was, did not give him the love or attention all children needed.

He knew that Will would work hard to make sure his daughter’s childhood would be different.

He watched fondly as Will lifted her up and around to face him, holding her unstable head steady, and peppering her chubby cheeks with small kisses. The young Ranger had always been an affectionate person, Halt knew, and Neveah had been smothered with her father’s love from the moment she arrived into the world. On the days that he would come to visit, Halt noted that ten minutes wouldn’t pass without Will cooing at his baby and pressing his lips somewhere on her little face.

He also noticed, with some amusement, that the poor baby was so used to being doted that anytime Will would bring her close to him, she would instinctively lean her cheek towards him as if to say, “Get on with it already.”

When Will turned her back around to sit against his chest, Neveah caught sight of Halt for what seemed like the first time. He gave her warm smile and she cooed back at him, waving her arms in excitement at seeing the familiar face. The Ranger held his arms out to her, making beckoning gestures with his hands.

“Hello darling,” he crooned softly. “Come here”.

Will lifted her and handed the excited infant over into Halt’s outstretched arms. He trusted his baby with his former mentor more than anyone else.

Halt brought her to his chest easily, grinning down at her. She babbled happily to him, reaching up to touch his face. She grabbing a chunk of his beard in her tiny fists, and he chuckled, gently pulling her grip away. She held onto his finger and he kissed it softly, eliciting a squealing giggle.

Will and Crowley smiled at the wholesome scene.

“Wow, old man,” the Commandant jested. “I see you’ve become a soft grand-pappy now, huh?”

Halt, completely unbothered, nodded curtly.

“Yes I have.”

*Nervous sweating* Will this do?

[galaxystony]

fortune’s fool: peter parker IV

peter parker x reader

multi-part fic based off of a twitter post which I won’t link until the end so as not to spoil anything :-) Each part can be read individually or as a series!

A/N: I’m sorry, I know I said I’d have this up on Wednesday, but I’ve had a ton going on this week, and I really wanted this part to be really good for y’all, so I spent a bit more time on it. I’m most proud of this installment so far. I hope you enjoy. Also, the marriage pact trope begins! Ahhh!

requested: nope

Words: 3800+

Warnings: slight angst, mentions of death

summary: Two Empire State University students fated to meet, but just out of reach

let me know if you’d like to be added to my tag list!

requests are open!

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | masterlist

4. Spaces

25 y/o Peter, 23 y/o reader

“Peter, we won’t ever stop being friends, will we?”

Peter looked up from his chemistry textbook at his best friend who was sprawled out on top of the covers on his bed.

“Duh,” he responded simply, turning back to his book. “You know I couldn’t survive without you by my side.”

She smiled softly, closing her eyes and leaning her head back to allow the sun that shone through the window to paint the length of her neck with its speckled glow. “Good,” she replied.

After a moment, she said again, “Peter?”

“Hmm?”

“Let’s never lose touch, okay? Even of you have to move upstate with the rest of  the Avengers and I have to move to the middle of nowhere. Like, Indiana or something.” She eyed him through one open eye as he turned and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“You planning on moving to Indiana any time soon, babe?” He cocked an eyebrow, his lips turning up in a half smile.

“It was just an example,” she said defensively. “But I’m being serious. You have to promise me we’ll never stop talking to each other, no matter what, okay?”

He was smiling fully now as he got up from his seat and jumped up onto the bed, laying his full body over the length of hers as she giggled wildly. “As long as you want me to keep talking to you, I will, smarty pants.”

Then he leaned down, pressed a kiss against her forehead, then got up and returned to his work as she continued to giggle softly from her spot on the bed.

-

It had been two years since she moved away. 

“I have to take care of my dad,” she’d said. “He won’t eat or sleep if I don’t make him. I’m scared of what will happen to him if I’m not there watching over him.”

It took her only three days to pack all of her things and move out of their his apartment. Three days to remove all traces of her being, not just from the home, but from Peter’s life, too. Three days to leave Peter floundering with his head just above the water.

“I need space,” she said. “I need to be able to learn to live in a world without my sister.”

He supposed he understood. He’d spent months after his uncle’s death isolating himself from the people he loved. There was nothing, nothing, he knew, that he could do to help her. She needed to heal alone. That’s what agonized him the most; that he couldn’t do anything for her no matter how much he wanted to.

And so she left. And he gave her space. And now it’s been two years since they’d spoken.

Two years, one month, and seventeen days, his mind supplied as he watched the city move below him from his perch on the roof of his apartment building.

Even after she left, he continued with his nightly rounds. He was worried, at first, about how he’d handle everything without her. She used to be the one to fix him when he came back after a particularly late night, agonizing over his latest slip-up. She always knew the exact words to say, words that no one else seemed to have. What would he do now?

It was May who gave him the idea to start journaling. She was always insightful, always knew better than she should about everything. She knew, even if Peter didn’t yet, that he’d loved Y/N, and she supposed that losing her was the equivalent of May losing Ben.

“Just write it all down,” May suggested. “That’s what helped me most after your uncle. Trust me, Peter. You don’t want to keep this bottled up inside.”

He protested at first. What would he even write about? What would he say? He thought it all felt a little… middle-school-girl-ish.

It was only after an especially rough night where he returned bloody and crying uncontrollably, missing Y/N more than usual, that he actually took May’s advice. He took a pen to the first blank page of his journal, and suddenly the words Dear Y/N were flowing from the tip, and he found himself unable to stop writing until his hand was shaking and stiff, and tears were smudging the blue ink, spreading it thin over the lined paper.

It wasn’t the same as actually speaking to her. He knew that. But he also knew that if he didn’t get the words out now, right now, he never would, and then he’d be forever stuck in his mind stewing over what he’d done wrong and what he should’ve done.

He hadn’t meant to get so stuck on her. He knew he had to move on from the girl who lit his darkest nights, a soft but persistent glowing ember that he thought would never fade. Two years without her, though, and the darkness was all he had left, like an old friend that always stuck in the outskirts of his mind, never straying far from sight, no matter how much he wrote. He was resigned to it now. Accepting of it.

He tried, though. He tried his best to forget her, but how could anyone forget that radiant sun that had cloaked so much of his life with its glow?

It didn’t take him long after she left for him to realize he was in love with her. It was inevitable, he guessed, and looking back, he didn’t know how he hadn’t realized any sooner. It was so obvious now, that they were forever entangled, souls interlocking so tight that he knew he’d never love anybody like he loved her.

And so he stayed in Manhattan in that tiny little apartment that should house two, but now held only one lonely soul and the big, gaping hole that she left behind, and he waited.

He lay awake all night waiting to hear her keys jingle in the lock of the front door. Sat solemnly at the kitchen table glaring at her obviously empty seat. Watched his phone constantly, begging it to light up with a message just so he’d know she was okay.

Nothing ever happened. No matter how hard he stared, he couldn’t will her to walk through the door or text him back.

That made it easy for him to start hating her. He knew it wasn’t fair, that she wasn’t his to keep in the first place, and that she was an independent woman capable of making her own decisions, but he also thought it wasn’t fair that she’d leave him alone when she knew how much he relied on her. He hated himself even more for thinking that. How selfish did he have to be to want to try and take her from her family when they needed each other much more than he needed her?

The hatred didn’t last long. Nine months in, and he was left with was a funny feeling in his heart that maybe she wasn’t coming back, but maybe there was also nothing he could do about it. He hoped she was doing okay, though.

He knew that she should be nearing the end of med school if she’d decided to continue schooling at home. He hoped she had, that she didn’t give up her dream. When she was still finishing her bachelor’s degree, he remembers her internal battle over staying in the city for school or moving back home.  

“Empire State’s such a good school, but I wouldn’t mind moving home for a bit. Stony Brook has a great med school, too,” she’d said.

“You have to stay here, babe. What would I do without you?” he remembers himself saying. How utterly selfish of him. Who was he to decide where she went to school? He originally felt a smug sort of pride when she finally decided to stay in Manhattan. Now, he could only wonder how different her life could have been if she’d gone back to Long Island. Maybe her sister would still be alive. He tried not to think of that very often.

He thinks there’s no way she wouldn’t have kept going to school at home. With her grades and study ethic, she would’ve gotten into Stony Brook easily. She’d come too far and had too much to lose to quit so easily. He knew, like everybody else knew, that she had one of the most brilliant minds of anyone their age. Quitting seemed like too much of a waste of her intelligence.

He hoped and prayed that she was alright. He knew how overwhelmed she’d get when the work started to pile up, that she’d work and work and never sleep until her body literally shut down. He hoped she had someone at home who would make her stop and rest, a job he used to happily call his own.

As he crouched on the roof lost in thought, his eyes absently skimmed the empty street, hoping that each taxi that approached would be her, dipping his head in thinly veiled disappointment when they continued past the building to some other, more important location.

He found himself distracted these days, especially during his rounds. He knew he should’ve been giving it his full focus, but he just couldn’t. He constantly had an eye out for a flash of her shining hair, a corner of her favorite coat, the smallest whiff of her perfume. Anything to prove she was back and she was still real.

He felt like he was going crazy, like this was his rock bottom, and everyone around him could tell. Ned and MJ would eye each other, sharing concerned glances after each time he faked another smile. Mr. Stark would lecture him after every botched mission that was a result of his unfocused mind.  May would try and coax his feelings out of him every once in awhile when she noticed that the journaling just wasn’t cutting it, but she never got more than a halfhearted shrug and an “I’m fine”.

“She’s okay, sweetheart,” May would assure him. “She just needs time.” And he’d nod in agreement, but once he got home, he’d lay in bed and wonder exactly how much more time she needed. He knew everybody was concerned, but there was nothing he could do to stop his worrying.

“It’s been two years, Pete. She’d want you to move on. Can you imagine what she’d say if she saw you like this?” MJ asked once when she’d caught him watching his phone instead of engaging in conversation with her while they were at lunch.

“Probably something about kicking my ass for putting her feelings before my own as usual,” he mumbled in reply.

MJ smiled and grabbed his hand over the table. “Exactly. You need to think of yourself now. It’s what she’d want.”

He started to get better little by little after that. He hung out with Ned and MJ more frequently. He spent one day a week after work at the Daily Bugle (who knew his personal journaling would end up helping him land a job as the writer for the advice column?) talking to Tony about what he went through in his other job. Most importantly, he began to open up to May about Y/N.

No one, he knew, would ever take her place, and some days, he felt like he was only using the others as a substitute until her return, but deep down, he knew that he was starting to heal.

His head snapped up when he heard the sound of another car approaching, this time pulling up to the curb. He watched closely as the passenger door opened, a foot stepping out before the door opened even wider to reveal its owner.

Time seemed to stop. He was no longer breathing, his heart turning violently inside of his chest. It was her. It was her. He still couldn’t breathe. He pinched his arm hard, praying that he wasn’t dreaming. The resulting sting told him he wasn’t.

He reached to pull his mask off, yanking it roughly over his head as his eyes widened. It was her. He could tell, analyzing her familiar movements as she pulled a suitcase from the car then waved it off after paying the driver.

Go to her! his mind screamed at him as she looked up at the building, clearly not seeing him, before she picked up her suitcase and unlocked the heavy wooden door with her own key.

He sat stunned and unable to move. She was here. She was home. She was back and she was okay and he didn’t know what to do.

Go find her, idiot! that little voice repeated, and he shot up, racing to the very edge of the building and jumping without a second thought, shooting a web at the fire escape just outside her old window and pulling himself up without a sound.

He slid the window open and swung in, seeing her still-dark room empty of any movement. He moved silently through the apartment and sat at the kitchen table in his usual spot, still wearing his suit without the mask.

His ears perked up at the sound of keys in the lock, a sound he’d been waiting for with bated breath for the past two years. His eyes were still trained on the door as it opened and she stepped in, and he got up from his seat to help her out of her jacket, just like he had so many times in the years before.

She turned and smiled softly in that secret way of hers, like it was saved just for him, and wrapped tight arms around his torso, pulling him close to her and burying her face in his chest, just like she used to.

He responded belatedly, his mind still trying to process the fact that she was here and he could feel her, solid and sure. He enveloped her in a hug, leaning his head down to rest it in the crook of her neck as he inhaled her scent, something that had been gone from his apartment for so long that he almost couldn’t remember it at all.

“Welcome back, smarty pants,” he whispered into her hair.

He could feel her crying, warm tears seeping through the fabric of his suit. He knew he probably was, too. They stood there for a while, wrapped up in each other and trying to make up for all of the time they’d lost when they were apart.

When she finally pulled away, her face was wet with tears, nose red and running, and the picture was so familiar that Peter’s chest physically ached with longing. She sniffed and wiped the wetness away with one of her sleeves, smiling up at him through eyes that still shone with tears.

“I’m home,” is all she said, when he pulled her back in, holding her like he thought she might drift away, that if he let go, she’d leave again, and he’d be completely lost.

“Thank God,” he breathed into her ear, and then they were both sobbing and he was walking them backwards towards the sofa, collapsing onto it when the back of his knees hit the worn brown cushion.

They pulled apart, sitting facing each other in their usual spots, crying and laughing all at the same time, both of their hearts feeling like a weight had been lifted off of them after so long.

“What’re you doing here?” he asked when they’d calmed down. “I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”

“My dad wanted me to finish med school at my dream school, and he knew that wasn’t Stony Brook. He promised me he’d be okay if I spent one last year at Empire State,” she explained quietly.

“That’s- that’s amazing, babe! You’re gonna be living here in the city with me again! You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to come back! I can’t wai-”

“Peter, I’m not moving back here,” she interrupted with a pained look on her face. “I still need space. Being back home only reminded me how much I missed my sister, and I barely had any time to learn to live without her. I still need to be by myself and adjust to life away from home and without her.”

His eager smile fell, lips dipping lower and lower as she continued to speak.

“I only came here to let you know I was back in the city. It felt wrong coming back without you knowing. But I have my own apartment in Brooklyn. It’s only a twenty minute subway ride from campus. I hope you understand, Peter. You were such a big part of my life, and you know I’d never want to cut ties with you forever, but I need this time. I need to know who I am without her.”

Peter nodded his head solemnly. He understood. Of course he did. He would give her whatever he wanted, as long as he knew she was alright.

“Okay,” he agreed. “I get it. I’ll give you whatever you need.”

Her smile returned, and she leaned over to hug him again, that familiar warmth filling him from the inside out as they held each other as close as they could.

“Stay the night at least?” he whispered into her hair.

“Of course,” she replied, eyes closed to fight an oncoming bout of tears as she pushed her forehead against his.

She found herself in his bed twenty minutes later, a spot carved out for her like she’d never left that was marked by twisted sheets and dented pillows and looked just how she remembered them.

They lay nose to nose, staring unblinking into the other’s eyes as they breathed and drank in the feeling of being there together again, their limbs locked together like missing puzzle pieces reunited once again.

“I need you to know something. Before you leave me again,” Peter broke the silence first with a well-placed hand on her cheek.

“What is it?” she asked softly, even though she could guess what the next words out of his mouth would be.

“I love you,” he stated plainly.

“I know,” she responded without missing a beat. “I love you, too.”

“Then stay here with me! Y/N, I want to take care of you. I know you feel like you have to handle this on your own, but you don’t! You have so many people here that love you and want to help you heal, me especially,” he spoke desperately. She sighed, smiling sadly, and he knew she wouldn’t change her mind for anything or anyone.

“I’m sorry, Peter. I love you, but I can’t stay here. I need to rebuild on my own for a while. There’s nothing I want more than for my life to return to normal, but it won’t. So until I’m able to move on, I can’t stay,” she explained as she watched a tear roll over the crooked little bump in Peter’s nose and down the side of his cheek. “I’m sorry. I love you.”

“I love you so much it scares me. Sometimes I don’t think I’d be able to live without you. Just knowing that you were somewhere out there trying to deal with this alone made me want to rip my hair out for not being able to help. You gave me the best three years of my life before you left, Y/N. It took me nearly a year to be able to sleep through a full night because my thoughts of you kept me awake. I even wrote letters to you every day that I never sent and probably never will. I still haven’t learned how to live without you.” The tears were fully streaming now, pooling on top of the pillowcase until they were absorbed into the soft cotton.

Now was her turn to cup his cheek, wiping away the onslaught of tears as they continued to fall rapidly from swollen and bloodshot eyes that used to be the wellspring of her happiness.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know I left you alone. I know you’ve had to deal with your own problems without me. I didn’t want you to get hurt, I wanted you to be able to move on,” she sniffed, her own warm tears coating red cheeks.

“God, I feel so stupid. Everything you’ve been dealing with is so much harder than what I’ve been going through. I feel so selfish making you feel guilty for leaving. That’s not how I want you to feel,” he frowned, trying to stop any more tears from falling.

“Peter, your problems are no less important than mine. I don’t ever want you to feel guilty for wanting to talk to me about what’s bothering you. Even if I’m not physically here for you, I’ll always be with you in here,” she smiled as she placed a small hand over his heart.

It thudded against her palm, something soft and steady that seemed to say listen to me, I love you, feel how I beat for you.

“And you’re always in here, I promise. There’s not a moment that I stopped thinking about you these past two years.” She reached to pull his hand to her chest, feeling its warmth over her own beating heart that played the same symphony as his own.

They lay there for a few minutes with their hands over each other’s hearts that beat in synchronicity as they sniffed well-deserved tears away, basking in the incredibly intimate moment.

“Y/N?” Peter broke the silence again after a moment of thought.

“Yes?”

“Promise me one thing,” he whispered after he grabbed the hand that lay on his chest.

“Anything,” she nodded, giving his hand a squeeze.

“If we both haven’t fallen in love with anybody else, and we’ve both learned to heal in the next five years, let’s get married, okay? When you’re twenty-eight and I’m thirty,” he implored her tentatively, gauging her reaction carefully through creased brows.

“Okay,” she agreed after a beat of silence, and he pulled her into his embrace, breathing in her scent without any intent of letting go.

-

She left for her apartment in Brooklyn the next morning with the promise that she’d get back in touch as soon as she was ready. This time, Peter didn’t mind so much. He felt at peace with the fact that they would come together again. It may be years from then, but he was content to know that there was a future to look forward to. Their lives were in the hands of fate now.

Desperate for a change of scenery, though, he decided to take up Tony’s offer from years earlier and moved upstate to live and work at the Avengers compound with the hope that rigorous training would be enough to keep his mind off of her until she was ready to speak to him again.

His first day at the compound was one of the hardest he’d had in a long time since before she’d left. That night, he found himself at his desk with a lone lamp illuminating the bare sheet of paper in front of him as he began the first letter he would actually send.

Dear Y/N…

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