#ahe is naturally curious and burning with a thirst for knowledge

[starsadored]

i’m just thinking about harriet doing her damnedest to be the best at whatever hook put in front of her. the best at sword fighting, the best at cartography, the best at astronomy, at mathematics, at literature. the best caretaker for her siblings, the best captain of her ship. she has a need, an innate desire to be the top at whatever she does, and will do whatever it takes to get there.

and she still loves learning, she wants to be fluent in all the languages she can be, to learn advanced mathematics, to have the knowledge to figure things out anywhere she goes.

[squiggledrop]

I’m Sorry - Spencer Reid x Reader

Masterlist

Summary: Reid gets shot on a case and is in the hospital. But him and Reader have so much left they want to do. So, living on borrowed time, Reader does all they can do.

Word Count: 2.7k

Pairings: Spencer Reid x Reader

Category: Angst

Warnings: Allusions to death, hospitals, references to major injuries, mentions of a god

Note: Could be read as a part 2 to Your Other Half, but doesn’t have to be. But you should go read that if you haven’t👀👀. Also, the italics are “Spencer”, but are kind of up for interpretation. Also, I’m like ✨struggling✨ so I just kind of wrote this and figured I’d share, but I promise I’ll have some actual fics soon. Also, just saying this so it’s said, but, this is literally just me ranting and believe whatever you want to believe because it is 100% valid and should always be respected. Last thing, title should be read in John Mulaney’s voice because every time I read it that’s all I can hear in my head, so I think you should too. “I’m SoOOoRy”

“Hey Spence.” Your hushed voice broke through the unbearable silence in the room, only mediated by the monotonous beeping of the countless machines hooked up to Spencer.

“We’re in the hospital right now. You had surgery and they were able to fix the bullet wound. But, the doctor said that your injury caused swelling in your brain, and if it doesn’t stop soon, there won’t be much they can do.” Your breathing stuttered as you blinked back tears. “So, I’m going to need you to try and stop it okay?”

You gripped his hand in yours, resting it against your forehead as tears poured down your cheek. 

“We always knew you had a big, genius brain. I guess we just never thought about what would happen when it got a little too big.” You let out a slight laugh through your nose, blinking away the tears in your eyes. “I always knew you were too amazing to be bound by something so nominal as a human body. Normally, every room you occupy is consumed by your warmth and filled with your laughter.” You forced a weak smile as his comforting laugh replayed in your mind. With a sigh, you looked around the sterile room. The fluorescent lights were too bright. They would give Spencer a headache.

“But not this one,” you choked out, turning back towards his unconscious form. “I miss your beautiful smile and gentle eyes because, right now, you feel so small. Your hand is in mine, but it just doesn’t feel right.” You cautiously stroked the back of his hand, examining the foreign feeling. “It’s too bony and fragile. Your hands are normally soft and warm, but right now they’re just so cold.” You placed a kiss on the middle of his palm before resting your cheek in it. The chilling of his hand burned your inflamed cheeks.

“I asked the nurse to get you another blanket because I know how much you hate the cold. She gave me that look we give victims' families when we have to tell them their loved one is dead,” you scoffed. “Sometimes it really sucks to always know what people are thinking.” You tried to calm yourself down, rolling your lips between your teeth, but it was no use.

“I really need you to hang on okay, baby? I hope you aren't in any pain, but I need you to hang on.” Despite your best efforts, desperation bled through every word you spoke. “I-I know it’s selfish, but I can't do this without you Spence.” With every second that past your throat constricted even more. “I know it’s selfish, but I need you. God, Spence, please come back to me,” you cried.

I always found that to be such an interesting term: “praying to a god you don’t believe in”. You closed your eyes, relishing in the sound of his voice. You knew it wasn’t real, but for now, it was good enough. It is used in literature and in modern music so often, and rightly so, but is never given the weight it truly possesses. Despite everything you know, all of the scientific explanations you have that can explain the world around you, when you are that desperate, you throw it all out the window in a split second. You don’t believe in a god. Yet, when faced with a difficult situation, and you have nothing else to hold onto, you immediately pray to something that you know holds no validity.

“Because it’s all I can do.” 

You are so desperate and helpless to the extent that you are praying to something that you know logically is not real, yet with every fiber of your being you are praying for its help. 

“Isn’t it just human nature?”

Well, some may say it’s humanizing. I would disagree. I think it is the least human thing you can do. It’s human nature to be curious and want explanations for the phenomena around you. That’s why, out of all species on earth, humans are the most advanced. They are the only species to change their environment to fit their needs. They have no natural predators, despite having absolutely no defense mechanisms. They have survived and evolved based on their thirst for knowledge and answers. But, when faced with some of the toughest situations in life, yet some of the most natural, they disregard everything they know to be true, and blindly beg for the help of some mythological deity. 

Death is a natural progression of life. We know how and why it happens, and we have formulas and data to predict when it will come. 

“But when it’s someone you know, someone you love, despite knowing everyone’s time will one day come, you can’t help but to beg for it not to be the case,” you pointed out. 

You ask something you don’t believe in, something you know to not be true, to change the inevitable. You ask something you don’t believe in to change precedent. You ask for some miracle, that you already know the minuscule probability of. 

“Is it avoidance?”, you genuinely asked out loud, missing the way Spencer was always there with an answer for everything.

Well, you know the science and statistics behind it. You know the odds are not in your favor. So, rather than acknowledge that and live with the truth, you abandon everything you hold to be true, and instead conjure some faith in a god you know isn’t there. I mean, is it better to have blind hope or just accept the facts? 

“Isn’t there something to be said for being optimistic?” you countered.

Of course. One of the amazing laws of our natural world is that nothing is impossible. Sure, if you keep shoving your hand at the wall enough times, statistically speaking, eventually your hand will have the exact orientation to go between all the atoms perfectly, and your hand will go through the wall. But, if I were to ask you to believe that I could do it, would you? 

“No,” you replied.

Of course not. Because it’s illogical. So then, why is your immediate reaction to devastating information to refuse it and do something illogical? 

“Is it to feel useful?”

You know the statistics. Realistically, you know there is nothing you can do to change the outcome. But, it is human nature to try and come up with solutions to our problems. After having exhausted all other possibilities and coming up empty, you persist. You don’t give up. Even if you know it’s nonsensical, you still need to feel as though you are trying. But that’s the operative part: feel as though. Is it human inclination to want to try and solve the problem and contribute positively to the situation? Or is it a selfish need to not feel powerless? 

“There is nothing worse than feeling as though you have no control. When everything you love has been taken from you, and you are desperate for any solution to your problem, it makes sense that one would try all their options, no matter how unlikely, because you still have to at least try.”

But, it’s important to remember that no matter how many times you shove your hand at the wall, you will always end up hurt before it goes through. You let out a small smile, pondering his words.

“Is it a reminder, that despite how much we claim to know and understand about the universe, that we know practically nothing?”

Ah, therein lies the beauty of science. Every time a question is answered, it introduces a plethora of others to be figured out. Despite knowing the facts, you are reminded about how much you do not know. There is so much uncertainty in everyday life, and no matter how much you may try, life does not take place in a laboratory. You cannot control for all the confounding variables life has to offer. You don’t get to test your hypothesis over and over, tweaking your experiment as you go. You are granted one life. You must use it to its fullest extent. 

“Did you?” you abruptly asked.

I wouldn’t have changed anything, because it brought me to you. And you are my greatest accomplishment. You nodded your head, wiping away the tears that pooled in your eyes.

“Look, I may not believe in this supposed god I’m praying to. But, if she actually is out there, what’s the harm in praying she lets my hand make it through the wall? The worst that could happen is she doesn’t listen and I end up with a few bruises and a broken bone. Because, in the grand scheme, what’s a broken bone compared to your life?” There was silence, and you didn’t feel like waiting for a response.

“You are the kindest, gentlest, most generous person I know. Everyone has been through so much. I-it’s too soon. That's how I know there isn’t a god, because she wouldn’t be this cruel. She wouldn’t take you from us too.” In your mind, all of the losses you two had suffered over the years replayed. All of the lost lives, lost friends. “I always tried so hard to be strong for you. I tried to be there, and for the most part I was. I held you in my arms. I kissed the top of your head. I let you know you are so loved, that I was there and I would never let go, because that’s what you do for the ones you love- 

I know

“-but for every ounce of strength I gave, I lost a part of me. I still remember the day it happened. I remember the day we said goodbye, and I remember the endless months of hurt. But, what are you supposed to do when someone loses someone like that?”

Well, you hold them in your arms and let them know they are loved. 

“But I can’t do it again,” you practically shouted. “I can’t,” you gasped.

I know

“I can’t go through that again-”

I know

“-my arms are too tired and weak-”

I know

“-my eyes have lost enough tears-”

I know

“I-I can’t be strong for anyone anymore.” 

I know baby, I’m sorry

You let your head collapse in front of you, hugging Spencer’s limp arm into your chest.

“It’s not fair,” you murmur between broken sobs. “I need someone to hold me-”

I know

“-and I need someone to tell me it’s okay, because I know it’s not. Nothing about this is okay.”

I know

“God, would you just shut up? Just for once Spencer!” Your breathing heaved as you lifted your head, looking down at the lifeless body in front of you. “I know you know, okay? I know you know everything.” Your own voice bounced around the room, ringing in your ears. “You can claim that you have a formula for any problem, and sure, you can rattle off any statistic. But, for the love of god Spencer, don’t forget, mathematics was invented,” you spat. “It is a made up world that people use to quantify the incomprehensible. It’s a tool that was made to try and make sense of the chaotic world that surrounds us.” The volume of your voice shattered, and you broke down again, cursing yourself for screaming at your unconscious husband.

But, you heard his soft, knowing voice that you missed so much, try as we might, the law of entropy prevails, and with every negative delta g we descended further and further into disorder. One variable that does not have a differential equation to solve is emotions. That’s what makes us different. We care for one another. That is human nature. We try to help those in need and even if we can never fully understand the working of the universe, at least we can make a slightly more positive place. Yes, you can calculate the probability of every known outcome, but you are not a robot. We have survived because of our inclination to help others. We work together for a common goal. We love. We hate. We get scared. We get excited. We are shy and outgoing. We are happy and we are sad. But, no matter what we are, we do it with passion. We love so intensely that it physically hurts. We can feel such joy that it feels as though it is bursting out of us. We are empathetic. We can feel others’ emotions as if they were our own. 

“But, we can also hurt,” you chided. “We can hurt so bad that it feels debilitating. We can hurt so bad that it's easier to just shut off and not think.” You looked over his stoic face, desperately trying to picture his golden eyes through his ashen eyelids. “Yes, that means losing your humanity, but when it’s at the cost of feeling your world crumble before you, suffocating you with it, being a robot begins to have its appeals.”

I guess. You could hear the slight smirk in his voice. It depends on your point of view. You can have a reductionist mind set, and see the world for what it is: a bunch of chemicals interacting. Or, you can take a more philosophical approach and contemplate the meaning of life. But one cannot exist without the other. There is a nuanced duality that must be maintained, or there is no point to either.

You cupped his jaw in your hand, running your thumb over cheek. 

“Every time I see your face I smile. When you tell me you love me my heart feels so full.” You swallowed thickly, picturing all of the morning you woke up next to Spencer, never really knowing which one would be your last. “When I hug you, I feel safe. Yeah, we may just be a sack of chemicals, but I was lucky enough that our atoms came together in this specific combination at the same point in time.” Your voice squeezed as you tried to continue speaking, “And I know the probability of that happening is minuscule, so why can’t  this be too?” you pleaded. “I know it’s unlikely, but if I was so lucky to have you in my life, why can’t I be just as lucky and get my hand through the wall on the first try?”

Because you are human, whatever that means. He spoke as if it was the simplest thing in the world. No matter how hard we may try, we are controlled by our emotions. I love you, and you love me, and it’s as simple and complicated as that. 

“I know that every moment you are alive is a second of gifted time, but it’s still never enough. I don’t want to say goodbye. We have so much more to do. We have plans, and promises that still need to be fulfilled”

I don’t want to say goodbye either 

“This isn’t fair, we are supposed to have more time.”

I know, but I need you to be strong, for me.

“But I don’t know what to do.”

I need you to try.

“No, Spence, I-I’m letting you know now that I won’t be able to do it. I can't be strong again. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it.” You cried into his chest, savoring the sound of his faint heartbeat.

“I’m sorry.”

You waited for a response, desperate to hear his voice for as long as you could. But, it never came. 

“Hey, you doing okay?” You gasped, lifting your head and looking around the room. Your eyes fell on Derek in the doorway. “I thought I heard you talking, are you okay?” Concern laced his brow as he looked at you.

“Y-yeah, I’m as fine as I can be,” you reassured, wiping your eyes. He nodded and gave you a sympathetic smile. You watched as he turned to leave, going back to the others in the waiting room. You let out a helpless breath, your eyes falling back onto the man that lay beside you. 

Yes, you are human. And as tears roll down your face, and helplessness courses through your veins, you will continue to pray to a god you don’t believe in, because what else are you supposed to do?

[pumpernickelspice]

Tea and Butterfly wings.

 It had been awhile since Demanitus went out to look at the stars.

He had brought a bag filled with star-charts, astronomy books and a telescope that had an extendable mount.

Not to mention a bag with a few bananas for Vigor and a sandwich for himself in case they got hungry.

Vigor stayed safely perched on the old man’s shoulder quietly cooing while taking in the surroundings lit up by the moon, the soft light hit the trail they were following, painting the outlines for them and illuminating any rock that caught it’s eye with a gentle glow.

Through the tree filled trail they traveled with the quiet sound of nature’s slumber and the sound of Demanitus’s footsteps.

Finally the pair found themselves at a peak on the grassy mountainside among the many trees. “ Here we are Vigor “ He sighed with a content smile, the tiny monkey gave a squeaky hoot of delight and as he watched the scientist set up his equipment with curious eyes.

______________________________________________________________

The night sky was sprinkled with twinkling stars and constellations telling stories of the past. Demanitus would look through his telescope every now and then before pausing to jot notes down in a journal along with tiny sketches of the moon and sun.

In all honesty most of his love for the night sky had blossomed from learning of the Sundrop and Moonstone, however it grew more and more into a hobby than a means to an end for his goal to obtain the ancient anomalies. 

It was funny...

Zhan Tiri used to call him silly or childish for delighting in such things out of pure curiosity and a thirst for knowledge, it made him wonder if she...Had she ever cared about his interests?...Or was she only ever interested in gaining power...

Vigor noticed the frown resting heavy on his friend’s features and once again hopped up on his shoulder to comfort him. Demanitus gave a light chuckle before gently nuzzling the baby. “ I’m fine Vigor, just lost in thought... “ 

The monkey gratefully nuzzled back with another coo. “ Let us get back to watching the stars hmm? “ Demanitus looked back into his telescope again and much to his delight he had looked in just in time to spot a shooting star! “ Ah Vigor look! I suppose this is our lucky day “ The monkey was just as starstruck as Demanitus, but that was short lived when he realized that this shooting star...Was coming straight towards them!

“ What in the...? “

And it was...

“ Is that a...? “

Infinitesimal! 

.....

And screaming?

“ Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! “ 

The voice coming from the fast glowing ball was so high pitched and yet so small that even Vigor had trouble hearing it before the two could move out of the way the small ball of bright light shot directly into Demanitus’s chest with a light, thump!

Before quickly dropping to the grassy floor, Demanitus stared in shock and confusion as the glowing light flickered on the ground. “ V...Vigor?...Did that...Did we just get hit by a shooting star? “ But that wasn’t possible! Stars were made up of hot gas! He would’ve burned up because of it and it certainly wouldn’t be that small not to mention he didn’t even feel the impact.

Demanitus knelt down and moved away the grass covering the glowing ball, revealing a tiny unconscious woman...With wings?! 

The soft light emitted from the woman’s wings and skin still flickering every now and then. The poor thing looked to be in pain and Demanitus could see why...Her wings had been bent out of shape from the fall.

She let out a tiny whimper as Demanitus carefully held her in his hands. “ A Fae-Folk... “ He had never thought in all of his years he’d find a Fae-folk outside of any Fairy circle, it was forbidden for the Fae to even set foot out of their realm.

So why was she here all alone? 

Questions that had to be answered later since her injuries wouldn’t get any better if he didn’t tend to them as soon as he could. “ Come on Vigor, I think we’ll have to star-gaze another night “

In a flash he gathered up his things with Vigor at his side and made the trudge back to his lab as quickly as possible.

______________________________________________________________

It took Demanitus awhile but with enough precision he was able to smooth the wings out to their normal self, but he wasn’t done yet, a tiny splint was made to keep the wings in place while they healed completely. 

Finally he laid her down in a nice makeshift bed that was comprised of a large porcelain teacup with thick cotton as the cushion and two rose petals sewn together, stuffed with cotton as a pillow.

The Fae still looked to be in discomfort but not as much as before. 

She’ll probably be thirsty and a little hungry when she wakes up...Who knows how long she had been flying.

He took this time to make a pot of tea for the both of them, taking a scoop full of fruity loose leaf tea and poured it into a kettle full of water and set it on the stove to boil.

Then quietly taking a jar full of honey comb and a porcelain plate he broke off a small piece and graced the plate with the sweetness before setting it down beside the tea cup.

Vigor was busy napping in the bed that also resided inside the candle lit room. Demanitus wasn’t the type to stay away from work for very long so he mostly lived in his lab instead of a big cozy house in Corona.

Although as a scientist he had enough money to do so he preferred a more simple and minimalist lifestyle since he lived life making extravagant labyrinths, intricate puzzles and ruins that could make anyone’s head spin.

He had come quite accustomed to a nice and cozy cottage in the middle of the forest near the kingdom he so dearly cared for.

_____________________________________________________________

As soon as the kettle whistled Demanitus rushed over as to not wake up Vigor or his newest house guest, he was only partly successful as Vigor woke up with a startled screech, but as soon as he saw the man at the stove he immediately calmed as his scientist shot an apologetic smile his way. 

“ Sorry Vigor...You can go back to sleep, I’m just making something for our guest “ Instead of doing so the monkey decided to hop over and make himself comfortable on his favorite spot once more, Demanitus’s shoulder.

Amused and heart warmed by the affection Demanitus decided not to argue with Vigor’s decision and poured himself a cup of the tea before finally sitting down to read and wait for the Fae to wake up.

Little did he know that a pair of glowing teal eyes had been silently watching him over the rim of the teacup.