#again this one wasnt really proofread lmao

[badgyalshii]

ITS NEVER OVER | II

Paul Atreides x Reader (always safe for POCS+ Plus size)

2.6k word count

warnings! idk really you tell me lmao. just sad really, flashbacks, etc. proofread, uhhh most of it.

A/N: im so happy i got the results that I did in the first part, im thinking of starting a taglist for this series maybe so just send me an ask saying you wanna be in there and i gotchuuuu! thank you to everyone who reads my stories, i was supposed to post this yesterday but i was pretty busy. i am overall happy with how this series is going! i was gonna leave it simple and end it here, but honestly i feel like i could keep going with this, love you guysss!😘

Access Part I here. I . II . III . IV .

¨its just protocol¨ ¨it wasnt necessary, i watched. Ive watched you, standing behind you. Who are you, paul?¨

¨y/n? Helloooo, y/n¨ chani waved her hand in your face as the memory slowly faded and you came back to your vision and seeing chani infront of you. You both laid on the small bed, hot when the sun was up or down. Chani wanted more, she swore she did. When she wasnt talking to you she was searching for something to make this ¨house¨ feel comforting, like a home. You closed your eyes as the flashback completely faded in your head. You both were laying down, she was across from you with a worried look on her face as you blinked. ¨yes chani?¨ ¨are you prepared?¨ she asked. You struggled to remember what she was talking about, and her concerned look never left her face. ¨To leave¨ chani whispers gently. She knew you still had feelings for paul, and she couldnt fight to win you over in your constant mental battle. You never felt like this before. Wanting only one person- no, needing them. Under your eyes grew heavier and heavier. Days grew longer and you hardly slept and when you did it was of paul, had you have no life of your own? Have you grown depressed? You sighed, stood and you dressed, taking a deep breath in as you pulled up your pants and grabbed your mask.

Its been 6 years, 6 years on arrakis with chani, and you never forgot. You never forgot the life that you used to have, the life you missed so deprately, and you never came to terms with your new life, even if it was with chani. You missed stilgar, you missed everyone, grouped together, eating, small laughs between you and your friends, paul picking at your plate whenever you didnt really feel like finishing your food. You loved chani, you love her, youve became closer and closer like sisters. She taught you her own individual skills that shes learned along the way, but you guys barely talked. Her company was comforting, but all you really thought about was paul, and his new marriage, and his new wife. Was it just…..protocol? You could tell when you spoke to chani that she was extremely uninterested in the topic of paul, but thats all you ever thought about.

You found another place in arrakis, it took about 6 sandworms to get to your destination and you lived in once again, another large rock. You and chani hunted for water and when you found it you both started to make another ¨tent¨ in the rock to live at for a while. You both sat down and ate.

¨whats on your mind?¨ chani asked worryingly, she worried, she worried so often. She only wanted whats best for you and it hurt to see you this way but she covered it with her toughness. ¨paul. Maybe he was right-¨ ¨y/n, it has been six years since then. Please-¨

¨maybe… i should go¨ you thickly swallowed, looking at your hands before you looked back up at her. Her jaw was clenched before she released it, she has an irritated look on her face before she released her eyebrows. ¨im coming with you”

As you got dressed to go back to him, you thought of him. Maybe it was because of the way he laughed so softly against your lips that made you miss him. Maybe its because of how his warm and rough fingers softly grazed your face and on your body sending butterflies in your stomach and tiny shocks wherever his loving touch landed, eager to touch you, the way his green but now electric blue eyes looked at you with pure admiration. He was so perfect. Everything you wouldbe thought you wanted on paper was right infront of you, waiting on you. You couldnt lie, you were excited to see him and thankful chani allowed you to go back. You wondered about him, wondered how he looked now, was he more mature? Did his voice get deeper? was it just protocol? Did you make a mistake? Is he safe? Is he still there? Does he still love you?

Anxiety crept through your throat before you swallowed it back down. Chani was already ready to go as soon as she shes going with you. You looked at her, she was sitting outside of the giant rock, waiting for you and if she wasnt already so smart, she turned feeling eyes on her back almost as if she could sense you, one eyebrow raised as she then crossed her arms and leaned on her left foot. You sighed before picking up your things, walking up to chani she put her hand on your shoulder and patted it. ¨can we just sit here? we just got here! look at the view¨ she said before crossing her arms again and looking at you with a smile.

The view was clearly beautiful. The sun coming down as it usually does but in this particular rock, there was something different about the scenery. ¨pretty cool for a shit planet¨ you muttered, dropping your things before you got down and sat criss cross. Chani joined you, enjoyed the view for a little longer before she looked over at you.

¨why do you like him so much, Paul?¨ she questioned kindly, usually she didnt like talking about him, she was never a fan. You looked at her, studying her face you could see she had a serious face beside her eye slightly winched from the sun, she waiting on your answer before she lifting her knee and laid on her elbow. you sighed before sitting with your legs flat out with your hands in your lap, it wasnt a hard question, it just caught you off guard. Why were you so attracted to him? . ¨i….i dont know, actually¨ you looked back into the view, chewing on the side of your cheek before continuing. ¨its not everyday you get a new comer who is so emotionally strong but you could see he is so lost in those gorgeous eyes. Someone so intelligent, beautiful, kind, and wise. Who wants to learn and is¨ you did an exaggerated sigh before raising your fingers to quote ¨so humble, as stilgar says¨ chani laughs before laying flat out. ¨he was new, wasnt like us. us growing up, we were used to the same routine, everyone around everyone. So when he got here, when he wanted me.. I just…felt…different. Everything felt different¨ a small smile played on your face as you thought of him.

“ever thought of kids?” paul asked, playing with your hair. “why are you thinking of kids in your current situation, paul? wouldnt that be too much?” you reply, your arm laid across him and your head in his chest. he chuckled in return, you felt his heartbeat skip and pitter patter before you felt the vibrations from his voice, “i wouldnt wanna have a kid unless its yours, y/n” and with that you smiled and looked up at him, pressing a kiss to his lips before he wrapped his arms around your waist to flip you guys over, you both chuckled before paul pulled up the sheets.

You wanted to feel his warm embrace again. You wanted him again. ¨i had a vision- well a dream that one day, he would be ruler. Be so wise and so gentle, which he already is. But i would be at his side, carrying his kids. Happy family. Getting to see his eyes… looking into him and only seeing love, i wouldnt ever grow tired of it. Y/N atredies, queen of atredies, me and him. You and stilgar, everyone around each other. Happy family, happy life. Of course war, but-¨ you cut yourself off, ¨i just want love, ever since i experieced it with him, its hard to let go. He teached me genuine love, nothing less, nothing more. The way he was so honest. How could i ever let that go?¨ you questioned, a puzzled look on your face as you waited on chani to answer. She took a pause, she once again looked back at the view before looking at you.

¨you do understand that he isnt the same anymore, right?¨”she said, looking up. ¨i understand,¨ you nodded, ¨ and i saw it, when he said he was waiting for me. He changed when he drunk the water of life. I dont think he really… values relationships anymore. I remember, i remember before he drunk the water, way before. He would tell me about these nightmares he had and how he was going to do everything to stop it¨ you pursed your lips to the side, as the conversation flowed, your confidence in your relationship was going lower and lower. As much as you didnt want to hear it, you needed to. ¨he lost himself, y/n¨ chani says. ¨are you sure when you walk back into his life hes gonna be the same old paul?¨

You bit your lip before looking down at your hands and let out a breath, ¨thats what were going to find out, right?¨ ¨to be honest,¨ chani sighed and put her hands behind he head, looking at the ceiling of the rock. ¨ i dont really trust him, never did. nor do i like him. He took advantage of us y/n. Tricked us, making us fight for him¨ chani said without filter. ¨he is the preacher, its written. I believe in him¨ you said pridefully, showing humility as you will always stand behind your one true love. ¨you got your sight taken by the vision of love¨ chani looks at you, she felt bad that you were so blind. But you were often like this, always have been. Soft, sensitive, caring. Its true, you and muad´dib are perfect for each other, chani could see that, but you honestly didnt wanna talk about it if she wasnt even gonna try to understand. ¨white savior¨ she finishes and looks up at the ceiling of the rock again before she looks back into the distance. ¨i love him¨ that was your finishing statement.

It was as if nothing faded, like you didnt grow, like you saw paul yesterday, like you never left. Chani felt so bad, so bad that you kept searching for paul in sleepless nights. But she also felt slightly angry, as if she didnt take you under her wing and teach you something brand new, a new way of life. It was like you totally discarded it, like you didnt want it, you didnt want to. Paul or nothing. Did you not value chanis friendship? Her love? She would never ask, shes too dominate for that. But it bothered her.

¨we should leave before it gets too late¨ chani mutters, letting out a slight groan before she stood and wiped her hands off on the pockets of her pants. You followed suit and picked up your bag before something dropped. It was pauls necklace, a family heirloom he trusted you with, he wanted you to have it. You looked at it before picking it up, rubbing over it and placing it over your neck before following chani.

The sand crunched against your shoes as you followed her, she was silent as she held the tools to get a sandworm. It was offly hot today and you both lacked water so she viewed it at that point, she already discussed with you that she wasnt gonna work for muad´dib, wasnt gonna fight for him, only gonna fight for her people. You looked at her, the sweatbeads on her forehead visible but it didnt make her look bad. You sat while you waited for the sandworm to appear.

When you arrived the foundation looked huge, guards around the premises dressed in black, all tall, muscular, and you could easily tell they were worthy of their place. ¨follow me¨ chani said, her walk bold and strong as you followed behind her in suit. Chani walked up the the guard and the guard had a strong bold look. ¨who are you?¨ the guard asked. ¨chani¨ she replied, taking off the mask that covered her eyes. ¨freman¨ he muttered, he looked over chanis shoulder and saw you. ¨and you?¨ he questioned, ¨freman¨ you replied. He stepped aside and allowed you both to enter. Chani pushed the door open, coming inside and you followed.

You werent used to this, spending all your life living in a rock. The walls were long and you looked at them, wanting to touch them, study the whole place. But there was something else you wanted to see to, the love of your life. ¨y/n, im gonna try to find stilgar. Be safe¨ chani whispered to you. ¨chani, this is home. Everyone we know is here, this is family¨ you said with a smile on your face. ¨its been six years. Foundations couldve changed, family couldve changed. Who knows what paul did, y/n¨ she said stern. You nodded your heard and she did too, leaving you off to find the one you wanted to see do desperately.

You walked, the building was so silent that you could hear your own footsteps, sand fell off your shoes as you walked, leaving a trail. A smile played on your lips as you walked throught the halls, checking every door, seeing your people. You asked them, ¨wheres paul?¨ in return they smiled, ¨not so sure. I dont even know where his room is at. Maybe check the throne room. Honestly, i havent seen him in a long time, y/n¨ and you did, no one was there. You furrowed your eyebrows and continued to look through the rooms, paul just wasnt there. Your happiness sooned turn into sadness and insecurity. Tears were on the edge of brimming your eyes. You exiteded the castle and sat down, leaning against the wall. You held your knees up to your chest and put your head on your forearms.

Where is he? Wheres chani? This is his place he cant be impossible to find, can he? Why cant i find him? Wheres his wife? All these thoughts coursed through your head as you waited, you ended up falling asleep, outside.

¨y/n?¨ you heard. Your neck had a crane as you looked up. ¨y/n!¨ it was a voice you recognized, ¨why are you outside?¨ they laughed, you finally looked up after rubbing your eyes and it was stilgar. ¨stilgar!¨ you yelled, he came down to your level and hugged you. He laughed ¨look at you, all dirty¨ he wiped your face. ¨wheres paul?¨ you questioned, his smile dropped and his eyebrows furrowed. This took you aback, ¨wheres paul? I was gonna ask you that¨ he mutters, wiping the dirt off of your cheek. You dropped his hand and looked at him with desperate eyes, ¨what-what do you mean?¨ you asked, desperate for an answer. ¨paul left 2 years ago, y/n. He said when he came back, he would come back with you¨” stilgar looks down as he reveals, you stood, paced, questioned. ¨he said he would wait for me- i….i dont understand! Stilgar¨ you let out a whine, trying to fight the tears. ¨where is he? Stilgar please, please!¨ you begged, dropping to your knees. Stilgar couldnt muster to come up with anything to say. In honesty, he mightve been more sad than you. The messiah is gone, lost. No where to be found. How could he find him? Where could he possibly be? Two years. Two. this was like heartbreak all over again. Before, you knew he was alive, but now. You know nothing. Should you go back? Is he still searching for you?

[sailinginstars]

‼️ TBB SEASON FINALE SPOILERS ‼️

man

oh my GODDDDD im actually crying and screaming they did so good😭😭

i. just. wow. ok so.😭 FIRST so glad people were right about this being an hour long episode theres genuinely no way it could’ve been 25 mins. seeing omega already having escaped before anyone could reach her was awesome shes so skilled love her. AND ECHO AND EMERIE WORKING TOGETHER i love them they’ve both been brainwashed by the opposite side and seeing them fight for a better future for everyone else is so touching.

SO SURPRISED NO ONE DIES THANK GODDDD

ANYWAYS OMEGA RELEASED THE ZILLO BEAST WOOOOOO‼️‼️ ECHO SAYING THATS WHAT HE WOULDVE DONE!!! echo is literally her mom im crying😭 erm the really long ladder the kids had to climb up was a mgs3 reference guys☝️ ANYWAYS THE TORTURE SCENE HELLO 🙏🙏 i love men screaming 🫶

UGHHHH NALA SE I KNEW YOU WERE NEVER EVIL. she was so real for taking out rampart with her MAN FUCK RAMPART i kinda thought he changed lmao😭

GRRR OK SO THE FIGHG BETWEEN ECHO AND WRECKER VS THE TWO TROOPER LORRRRD, i was literally on the edge of my fucking seat the whole time i thought they were COOKED so many times. OH also crosshair loosing a hand OH MY GOD???

the bridge scene. GODDDDDD like i KNEW hemlock wasnt going to shoot omega but i was still so scared. AND CROSSHAIR MADE THE SHOT WOOOOO. scorch tho😭😭 so sad to see him go🙏 BUT THEY KILLED HEMLOCK HELL YEA‼️‼️ uhm also hunter with his hair wet⁉️⁉️

ANYWAYSSSS everyone made it home safe (well mot crosshairs’s hand but oh well, now him and echo match) nice to see clones looking sorta domestic and not in a war setting lmao. and like i get why echo is leaving but😒 MAMA ECHO PLEASE STOP LEAVING OH MY GOD JUST STAY ON SCREEN IM BEGGING YOU. reallllly hope we get some kinda show about him, rex, wolffe, and gregor and the whole clone rebellion thing PLEASE WHAT HAPPENED WITH WOLFFE⁉️

sobbbbb hunter, cross, wrecker, omega, and batcher just resting im tearing up. they literally just get to be family now im so happy

now the last few minutes…

I SCREAMEDDDD WE WERE SO RIGHT ABOUT THE TIMESKIP IM SOOOKK GRATEFUL tbh i did get nervous seeing the panover pabu but as SOON as i saw omega ik what was happening 😭😭 OLD MAN HUNTER IM SCREAMING HE LOOKS SO GOOD (he also looks strangely like blackbeard from ofmd lmao) he def has dad bod ill die on that hill😭 they both looks so happy and domestic i cant OMEGA GOING OFF TO FIGHT IN THE REBELLION I CANTTT shes def going to see hera again thats so sweet. ughhhh hunter worrying over her hes such a dad GOD. but anyways this moment was so sweet, been missing the hunter-omega relationship this season so this had me tearing up and shi😭

TECHS GOGGLES ON THE SHIP… i knew tech wasnt gonna come back, it would’ve taken away from his sacrifice but i would’ve loved to see him again. lowkey surprised we didn’t get a cx-2 reveal, people thought he was tech, cody, a clone specifically of crosshair, dogma, fucking slick. (real ones know cx-2 is actually fives hes not dead guys TRUST!!11!!1111!!11!!)

anyways god that was such a satisfying ending and im VERY pleased, crazy how this season had NO bad ep. incredibly sad this show is over tho. this show has been on my mind constantly for the past three years im so sad to see it go but im also see happy we got to see these characters lives play out in such a beautiful way. sorry for this being essay length i just had a LOT of thoughts about this ep.

for the last time, anywaysss. (also this is not proofread sorry for any grammatical errors lol) this ep was amazing and the team did WONDERFULLY!! good bye bad batch😢

[miniimapp]

Chat Room Pt. 2 - Aaron Z

Gen ;; Fluff - Story

Warnings ;; No ??

Proofread + Edited ;; You should know by now

Auth. Note ;; WELCOME TO DAY 22 OF THE 4*TOWN CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN !!

This is one of many posts tonight, so please go check out the advent calendar pinned to my page for each day's post :DD

Enjoy !! <3

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not_interested: ok promise this is the last time I bother you tonight but omfg they have a drink WALL with all kinds of teas and coffees and other stuff..

not_interested: idk about you but that just screams fancy to me

not_interested: i would ask how tf you managed to afford that hotel room BUT YOU FORGOT TO MENTION YOURE RICH AND FAMOUS SO..

ringshooter: in my defence

ringshooter: when tf was i supposed to bring it up???

ringshooter: just out of nowhere oh btw i'm part of a famous boyband.. yh cus that wouldve gone well

not_interested: ok valid

not_interested: but still, some warning wouldve been v nice

ringshooter: yh alr ill remember that for next time shall i?? 🙄

not_interested: the sass on you today.. smh

ringshooter: its 2am..

not_interested: ..valid

ringshooter: id recommend sleep if you dont wanna be shattered in front of the boys tomorrow lmao

not_interested: and id do that if i wasnt currently obsessint over a hotel the room the size of my whole house basically

ringshooter: valid but not helpful rn

ringshooter: the funniest part is you weren't even in here for more than 5 mins..

ringshooter: go sleep

not_interested: omg fine dad

ringshooter: never again

not_interested: yh no i hated that too

not_interested: kinda just felt icky

ringshooter: sleep

not_interested: aye aye captain 🏴‍☠️

ringshooter: 😒

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Your phone slips out of your hand and onto the bed as you flop back onto the mattress. You close your eyes and feel a sappy smile worm its way across your face. Just earlier you'd been hanging out with ringshooter.. Z, sorry, after he'd gotten off of his flight and tomorrow.. well, today actually, you'll be meeting the boys™.

You've been spamming Z whenever you get mildly nervous.. which is every 2 seconds it seems. It's not like you can help it though, he just has that calming effect on you, some may find his blasé attitude careless but to you it's freeing.

As the minutes tick by and the early hours pass into what some may coin as reasonable you finally drift off to sleep, your slumber that is much too quickly ended by your dozens of alarms going off.

Look, no judgement, you've just been known to sleep through your alarms before so 10+ alarms confirms whether your dead to world or waking up on time.

With a groan you pat around your bedside table until your hand land on your phone and you turn of your alarm. You drag yourself up into a sitting position and go through all the other alarms set to follow and turn all of them off too. Somehow you'd only slept through 3 today, must be a miracle.

You quickly skim through your notifications, not-so-secretly hoping to see one from ringshooter Z

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ringshooter: the guys

ringshooter: read: t and tae

ringshooter: have decided we absolutely have to go bowling today

ringshooter: that alright with you???

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You smiled as you found the notification and opened up your chat; you read through every word before shooting back a text of your own

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not_interested: no problems with that

not_interested: i know a place that does some really good food as well

not_interested: btw we doing those like side bumper things or no ??

ringshooter: sounds good

ringshooter: just send me the location and we'll meet you there

ringshooter: robaire insists on using those side thingies (wtf are they called???) so yh we are

not_interested: sweetness

not_interested: sending location now

not_interested: see ya

ringshooter: 👍🏾

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You resist the urge to squeal and kick your legs like a a pre-teen in one of those rubbish coming of age movies.

Now that you know the plan and you have an incentive to get up and seize the day, you find it much less of a struggle to leave you bed so you can wash up, get dressed and have a bite to eat before you leave.

You decide to walk to the bowling alley because it's more environmentally friendly and, more importantly, you're too broke to get public transport.

It takes longer than you'd anticipated but once you're finally at the bowling alley you open up you chat with Z

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not_interested: im here, meet me outside

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It only takes a couple of second for your phone to light up with the notification of a new message from ringshooter.

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ringshooter: i can see you 👀

not_interested: okay weirdo get over here so i can beat your ass at bowling

ringshooter: i think you'll find im the one will be winning today lmao

not_interested: dream on loser

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You thank whatever higher being warned you of your online friend's celebrity status and his celebrity friends before this because as you watch them walk towards you, you find yourself growing more and more intimidated. It's so weird being the center of 5 objectively attractive men's attentions, how the fuck no one's died from skyrocketing blood pressure at their concerts you will never know.

With a quick mental cleanse you rid yourself of any thoughts of their celebrity-ness, they came here to hang out and be normal people and so help you God you will not ruin this for them!

A widening grin makes its way onto your face as lock eyes with Z, "Hey, tiny."

You immeditaly puff up at the nickname, "I am not tiny, you're just an obscenely tall motherfucker!"

"Our point exactly!" Two voices chorus from behind Z, the owner of the louder of the two voices, bounds over to you, "I'm T, that's Tae and you are going to be our new favourite."

Tae nods and practically skips over, "Just because we're not 7 fucking feet tall doesn't mean we're short, but some people seem to forget that due to being taller than Mount fucking Everest! Glad to finally meet someone who's simply correct."

T looks likes a broken bobblehead simply from the force of his nods, "Robaire's not even that much taller than us, maybe like a couple inches, so the short jokes are just low hanging fruit at this point, not a pun!"

You smile brightly at both of them, "Nice to meet you both, I have a feeling we'll become great allies!"

The other tall one, who, by process of elimination is probably Jesse, speaks up, "Okay, enough squabbling, how about we go inside before we get stared at even more."

Robaire nods, "Agreed, plus I would kill for a bowling alley slushie right now."

You eyes narrow as you turn to him, "What flavour?"

He looks at you in return, he's eyes narrowing as well, "The only correct flavour there is, the blue one."

You straighten up and nod approvingly before turning to Z, "Looks like I've found a better partner in crime, someone who knows their bowling alley slushies and doesn't choose the red one over the blue one."

T gasps dramatically making you laugh, "I can't believe you said the red one over the blue one, everyone knows you have to get blue because it changes your tongue to blue."

Z rolls his eyes, "Who cares about omgue colour if it doesn't taste as good as the red one."

This time you gasp dramatically, one of hands flying to forehead in shock, "I can't believe you just said that! The blue one is way better tasting than the red one!"

Jesse sighs, "You guys are worse than my kids."

Tae smiles dangerously, "You're only saying that because you secretly like the red one more."

T turned to Jesse with a look of betrayal plastered across his face, "Is it true? Have you truly gone to the dark side!?"

Jesse scoffs, "I'd hardly call liking the red one over the blue one going to the dark side."

T fake sobs into your shoulder, "He does! He's betrayed us!" You pat T on the arm comfortingly, "It's alright, just because they don't understand doesn't change the fact that most people prefer the blue one."

Robaire sniffs, "Betrayed by my very own friends, whatever did I do to deserve this heartbreak."

Z groans, "What the fuck is this, man.."

T stares at Tae accusingly, "So, are you team blue or team red?"

Tae smiles innocently and replies, "I hate slushies!"

He then skips off into the bowling place leaving the rest of the group in shock..

"WHAT!?"

..

"Do they have actual favours or are they just the blue one and the red one?"

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Hope you enjoyed !! <3

[misscorn]

Day 4

Free Prompt

👀 @sihjrweek the saga continues, read my previous entries for context 😋

***

"Richan, what was all that about?" An asked, leaving her spot on the porch and walking up to Ritsu.

Ritsu hadn't moved despite Saga now being out of his sight. The teen was devastated and completely clueless about what he should do in order to make this right. Should he chase after him again? Give him space? Should he even bother going to the library tomorrow?

"Richan?" An frowned, realizing that he was crying.

"I-I'm sorry An, I-I know its your birthday, b-but do you think you could go home? I want to be alone right now." Ritsu sniffled.

"What kind of a friend would I be if I left you all alone while you're like this? Come on, let's go back inside and talk about this." An managed to lead him back into the house and made him sit on the couch with her, but not before she grabbed some tissues for him. "Tell me what's going on."

Ritsu accepted the tissues, using a couple and doing his best to stop his tears. "I-I don't really want to talk about it, An." He frowned. "I know you're just trying to be a good friend, but...I just can't tell you."

"You can't?" An frowned. "Is that boy bullying you?"

"What? No!"

"Blackmailing you? Threatening you?"

"No, nothing like that!" Ritsu said. He was surprised at how quickly An had jumped to that assumption.

"Well, then why can't you tell me?"

Ritsu frowned. "Because it might...change things between us." He said. "And I can't lose the two people I care about the most in the same day."

"Richan..." An reached over, holding one of his hands tightly. "No matter what happens I will always be your friend."

Ritsu gave her hand a small squeeze and took a deep breath. "You can't tell anyone about this."

"I promise."

Ritsu stared at their locked hands as he spoke. "Saga Senpai is...special to me."

"Special?" An frowned in confusion.

"Yes. Special." Ritsu swallowed, losing some of his nerve and not elaborating.

An tried to piece together what Ritsu could mean by that. She'd seen Ritsu and Saga together at the library in the past, even on Valentine's Day she recalled getting a glance of the upperclassman. Now, they had spent White Day together...and Saga left after she found the promise rings...

"Richan...is Saga Senpai your boyfriend?"

Ritsu squeezed his eyes shut and held her hand tight. "Yes."

Ritsu waited to be yelled at, for An to rip away from him, for her to tell him that he was gross or just confused before storming out and never talking to him again.

"I'm sor-" Ritsu started to apologize when the silence lasted too long, but An cut him off.

"I ruined your White Day!" She cried out. "I'm so, so sorry Richan, if I had known I would have just gone home, please let me make this better somehow!"

"...You're not mad at me?"

"Mad at you? I'm mad at me! You probably had a whole thing planned out and I completely crashed the party!" An felt both humiliated and guilty. She had been third wheeling without even realizing it and now she had caused a fight between the two of them! She probably made them fight on Valentine's Day too!

"But...Saga Senpai is a guy...and you also like me." Ritsu said, confused.

"I know. Guy, girl, I don't care, you're still my best friend. You always have been and you always will be. And yes I like you, and I don't think anyone could possibly love you as much as I do, but...if you're happy then I'm happy." An said. Of course, there was a bittersweetness to it for her, but her heartbreak was her own to deal with.

"You're a great friend, Anchan." Ritsu said. 'Better than I deserve', he thought to himself. "Thank you."

An smiled kindly, hiding her sadness at the word 'friend'. "Don't thank me yet. I still need to find a way to make this up to you."

Ritsu tried to insist that An needed to do no such thing, but regardless she did her best to try to improve the night and get Ritsu's mind off the fiasco that White Day had devolved into, at least for a little while.

Still, Ritsu couldn't just pretend away the day, even if he tried.

He had to make this right.

Ritsu was not a particularly courageous person. Often his moments of bravery were actually moments of recklessness, but the next day he either had to steel himself for the worst or forever regret not trying to make things right with his first and only love.

"Saga Senpai..." Ritsu approached their library table timidly after class let out, his White Day gifts in his hands. He put the container of sweets and jar of white origami stars down, for once not caring about whether or not anyone was near to see or hear. This was more important than his own anxieties and fears.

To anyone who didn't know Saga very well he'd probably look completely normal, but Ritsu picked up on little cues that clued him in that something was very wrong.

There were faint bags under Saga's eyes, not noticeable at first glance, but upon a second look he clearly hadn't gotten a good night sleep. Usually he sat so relaxed in the library with his shoulders slouched and his movements slow, but he shut the book he was pretending to read in a quick, tense motion before his head jerked up to look at Ritsu.

"What?" Saga asked tersely.

Ritsu was no stranger to the single word (sometimes single syllable) responses he received from Saga Senpai from time to time, but this time it shot straight through his heart. Still, Ritsu took a deep breath and refused to retreat, no matter how bad he wanted to.

"These are your White Day presents. I-I never got the chance to give them to you yesterday." Ritsu said. "I also had a white rose, but I was scared I'd hurt it somehow if I tried bringing it to school. A-Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for what happened. I know I should've told you the whole truth about An, but I never lied to you. An isn't my girlfriend and I did reject her. I love you and only you and I'm not marrying An, regardless of what she or my mother or even what you might think." Ritsu had to pause as his strength wavered for a moment, his throat tightening in that familiar pre-cry way. "I-I don't want you to think these gifts are some sort of a bribe to try to get you to forgive me or anything like that. These were always meant for you so I thought it was only right that you have them. B-but if you don't want them-"

"What's this?" Saga said, reaching out for the jar and picking it up. He still hadn't looked Ritsu in eye yet, but the brunette hoped his curiosity about the present was a good sign.

"Th-they're origami stars. If you unfold them each one has a reason I-I love you written inside." Ritsu flushed red, embarrassed from saying such a thing out loud.

Saga turned the jar in his hands, looking at it from all sides. "There's a lot of stars."

Ritsu just nodded. "L-Like I said, you don't have to keep it if you don't want it. And I...I understand if you don't want to see me anymore..." He tried not to let on how much pain the thought of not seeing his Senpai caused him. He wanted to respect whatever Saga's wishes were, even if those wishes broke his heart.

"Why would I not want to see you anymore?"

Ritsu was both surprised and confused by the question. "Because you're mad at me?"

Saga huffed. "Yeah, I'm mad, but I still love you. I just need some time to fully get over it. But like hell if I'm just gonna step aside and let that girl pretend like she's your girlfriend or fiancée or whatever." He said, sliding the container of sweets closer to him. These were his White Day gifts damn it and he was going to enjoy them. Did Ritsu make these cookies himself? Fuck, why'd Ritsu have to make it so hard to stay mad at him? While Saga was trying to maintain his brooding and angry attitude, Ritsu was hung up on one thing he had said.

'I still love you'

Ritsu's breath was caught in his throat and he trembled slightly at those words, his emotions overwhelming him.

Saga Senpai...loved him?

Ritsu thought he had heard him say it before, but he had convinced himself that he simply misunderstood or misheard. Saga Senpai couldn't, wouldn't love him.

But he did.

"Hey, hey, hey shouldn't I be the one crying here?" Saga asked, standing and going to Ritsu's side.

"S-S-Sorry, I just-I thought that y-you wouldn't want to be with me anymore." Ritsu laughed past his tears, feeling relieved, stupid, guilty, happy, and above all adoration and love for Saga Masamune.

"Idiot. Of course I do. So stop crying, alright?" Saga said before picking up the jar again and taking off the cap. He plucked one of the stars out and started to unfold it.

"Y-You're going to read one right now?" Ritsu asked nervously.

"Yeah."

"C-C-Can't you wait till I'm not here or something?" Ritsu asked, turning pink.

"No." Saga finished unfolding it. "I love you because-"

"Don't read it out loud!" Ritsu interuppted quickly. Saga reading even a single one out loud would surely be the death of him.

Saga held back a smirk. "Fine. But, only if I still get that dinner I'm owed. And my rose."

"O-Okay...my parents are still gone...i-if you wanted to come over tonight..."

Saga grabbed his bag right away. "Let's go."

"Right now?" Ritsu asked, a little taken back by his eagerness.

"Mm." Saga gave a slight nod. "You're already a day late, I don't want to wait any longer."

Ritsu, excited and nervous, led Saga out of the library. He'd have to start coming up with Valentine's Day plans NOW to make up for the less than perfect White Day. Of course there was also the issue of getting his mother to finally accept that his arranged engagement was pointless. Without that, this would never be properly resolved. But, that was a problem for when Youko got back home. For now, both Ritsu and Saga were content to simply be in one another's company.

[duckugou]

hiii i just thought of this sorta scenario:

“so, you like me?”

“yea, i do.”

“you gonna do anything about it?”

“nope. absolutely not.”

with bakugou pls. how angsty or fluff u make it is up for u to decide :>>>

AYYY yes!!

bakugou x gn!reader (bc frick u anyone can wear a dress >:( )

cw: uh like childish LMAO and very much "asking for a friend" vibes- nothing else tbh- lowkey didnt proofread and i just hope you like it at this rate-

aged up pro hero au!

-------

"Y/N!" You heard someone scream from behind you, making you turn around.

Once you turned around, you saw Denki running towards you at full speed with Bakugou close behind- Kirishima following as well.

"Y/N!!! BAKUGOU HAS-" Denki yelled, still running as you moved out of the way.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP SPARK PLUG." Bakugou screamed, attempting to grab the other blonde by the shirt.

"BAKUGOU DON'T HURT HIM YOU CANT AFFORD TO GET IN TROUBLE AGAIN." Kirishima attempted to be a voice of reason, words falling on deaf ears.

All you were trying to do was go back to your office after printing copies of a memo for everyone's mailbox at the hero agency where you and the three pro-heroes worked. You were a general assistant, working with everyone and doing basic tasks. Typically, your days were relatively boring, one headphone in as you worked, distracting yourself from looking at the clock.

You watched from a distance as Denki was yanked back by Bakugou, tackled to the floor. Kirishima tried breaking them up as they battled for dominance- all in their Hero gear.

Walking up laughing, you admired the way everyone else in the offices down the hallway continued working as if this was nothing new- because it wasnt. These three were frequently this loud and troublesome.

"Hey hey hey- cool it you guys-" You said, joining Kirishima's pleas.

"THERE SHE IS THERE SHE IS! Y/N BAKU-" Denki tried saying something again, being cut off by Bakugous hand around his mouth.

"If you say another fucking word I will knock you unconscious, fuckwad." Bakugou growled to Denki, the silenced blonde giggling under his hand as he stuck his tongue out of his mouth and licked Bakugou.

"YOU FUCKING NASTY-" Bakugou ripped his hand away and jumped up, wiping his hand on his pants.

"You taste fuckin burnt- Y/N BAKUGOU HAS A CRUSH ON YOU SO BAD- HES A FUCKIN SIMP-" Denki managed to say before being shoved to the ground, Bakugou holding a sparking hand close to his face.

"Any final words, Pikachu?" Bakugou growled.

"No, I can die in peace knowing you actually have feelings." Denki said, being held to the floor.

"OKAY OKAY-" Kirishima yanked Bakugou off of Denki, shoving him against a wall. "COOL. IT. YOURE GONNA GET FIRED."

"I DONT CARE HE JUST TOLD Y/N THAT I- he told Y/n. Oh fuck." Bakugou turns to look at your shocked but smiling face. "H-he was lying." He attempted to cover his not-so-secret secret.

"Was he?" You asked, giggling.

"Mmhm."

"I was not-" Denki said, flinching when the exploding hero tried to get away from Kirishima and attack him again. "ADMIT IT!"

"NO YOU FUCKIN IDIOT I HAVENT EVEN-" He remembers that you are to his left, and his face goes red. He can't even look at you. "I havent come to fuckin terms with it yet."

"With what?" You ask, feigning stupidity.

"Having like...a crush? Thats so childish." Bakugou shakes his head.

"The word is but liking someone isnt." You said, crossing your arms.

"No I know but like-" Bakugou started stumbling over his words.

"So if you liked someone, what would you do?" You asked, teasing him, making him even more nervous and fidgety.

"Well- I mean if I really liked someone I'd tell them- I wouldnt have someone else do it." Bakugou said, glaring towards Denki who was smiling.

"And then what?" You asked, smirking.

"N-nothing. I mean I dont know if I could even- I never have time for shit. And if I really liked someone, I'd want to give them a lot of my time..." He admitted sheepishly.

"So you wouldnt ask them out?" You questioned further.

"No. What if I ended up hurting them? Besides labels are annoying when youre a hero. The media loves that shit and we wouldnt get privacy. I cant do- I wouldnt...do anything I guess." Bakugou caught himself, trying not to admit what was already out in the open.

"Thats a bummer. Hypothetically, if someone liked me I would totally want them to come clean about it and we could figure it out together. But, thats if someone liked me." You sigh, dramatically.

"Well if someone did like you... hypothetically... Im sure they would want to ask you on a proper date. And make you feel special because of all you do around the office for everyone. They would probably feel like you deserve to be taken care of the same way you take care of me- THEM- like- the hypothetical person." Bakugou said, deciding to look at you properly, remembering how absolutely breathtaking you are to him.

"God, I wish someone did like me then. That hypothetically sounds really fucking nice." You said, smiling.

Bakugou just sighed and looked at Kirishima and Denki, who were currently giving him a thumbs up.

"They would... probably take you to that nice restaurant a couple blocks over after work one day. And have you wear something nice-" Bakugou started.

"A SHORT DRESS TO SHOW YOUR NICE LEGS-" Denki was shut up by Kirishima this time, the red head clamping his hand around the blonde's mouth and whispering "shut the hell up" in his ear.

"I'd hypothetically wear a nice dress too. And I'd probably be free like- this Friday." You pushed your hair behind your ear.

"Then they would probably pick you up at like 6?" Bakugou asked indirectly.

"I'd be ready by 5:45." You beamed at him.

"If only someone actually wanted that to happen.” Bakugou sighed dramatically.

"So... you like me?" You asked.

"Yeah, I do." Bakugou admitted, looking at your smile.

"You think youre gonna do anything about it?"

Bakugou remembered his points from earlier, deciding to take your advice to just figure it out with you when the time came, but wanting to keep up this little game. "Nope. Absolutely not."

"I'll be ready by 5:45." You giggled.

"Good." Bakugou nodded, turning around. "Youre still not off the hook, Sparky." He said, cracking his knuckles and walking towards Denki and Kirishima.

"OH COME ON- YOU HAVE A HAPPY ENDING-" Denki struggle to get away from Kirishima.

"You wont." Bakugou assured him.

"Run, buddy." Kirishima said, letting him free to run, watching the two run down the hall.

"Theyre fucking insane." You chuckle.

"Yeah but now youuurreeee dating one of them." Kirishima sang, poking your nose.

"Yeah yeah- god hes a tough cookie to crack." You both laugh in agreement, bidding each other goodbye as you walked back to your office to brainstorm the perfect outfit for your date.

--------

taglist: @maggiecc @lovemegood

!!come to my asks to be a part of my taglist! just let me know what kinds of fics/ what fandom/ what characters/ etc you want to be tagged in!!!!

[flamewyrmz]

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan! 

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time. 

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

--

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH" 

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

--

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

--

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad. 

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it. 

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

--

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

--

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly? 

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

--

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here 

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!) 

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired) 

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug! 

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!) 

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!) 

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone? 

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham. 

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique). 

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

--

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter. 

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here. 

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important. 

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here. 

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them. 

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there. 

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress) 

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept. 

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

--

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

[naizamayg]

in the count of ten

Today I found my old journal and written there is my bucket list for 2017. Some are checked and accomplished and some weren’t.

the list:

To you it may look like small things that can be easily done. To you it may look like a not year changing bucket list. I, also thought that.

When I wrote this bucket list I didn’t really wrote big wishes. It’s not because I dont wish, hope or dream for anything big. It’s just me being scared of not being able to do those wishes and making myself disappointed, but as I read it again today it made me realize that it’s actually deeper than I thought.

Eat Jajangmyeon (Korean/Chinese noodles)  

Of course food would be the first thing, typical of me. I actually wanted to eat Jajangmyeon because I want to try new things or go to new places with different culture and beliefs. People say it’s just like our “Pansit Batil-patong”  they tell me that it isn’t necessary to try it. I didn’t accomplish that bucket list because other people discouraged me. This year I want to try and do that bucket list. I want to teach myself that even if others disagree, do what you really wish for (if it’s harmless) because it’s not bad to try new things.

 Go to a concert

This is a pretty big wish and im glad it came true. It might just be a concert, just people dancing or singing in front of you. But  that day, I still remember how fast my heart was pumping my hands were sweating twice as much like a “pasmado” person does (fun fact: I am super pasmado) but my mind was calm. It felt like I was at cloud nine. I forgot everything that troubles me and I just felt so ecstatic that even though I was off key while singing along and even though I screamed too loud and even though I jumped too high that the guards have to tell me to sit down. I felt so happy and at peace that i didn’t even care, not even a single bit. I want to feel that again, even just in a day out of 365 of 2018.

Learn atleast 4 Languages (huwaw)

I know basic Spanish and I know how to read/write hangul (Korean alphabet). I’m fluent in English and Filipino. Can I consider this accomplished?? hehe. Anyway this is such an ambitious goal but i’m happy that i’m actually doing efforts to accomplish it. I usually give up whenever people tell me I can’t, when I think I cant or if it takes so long to do it. I want to not give up on this though. I want to be more patient so I can be more confident on saying I accomplished this bucket list.

Buy a Manga, Books, Album

This looks like a check list for groceries or something, but it’s actually more than that. Usually people would just read online Manga, find a pdf for books or just illegally download artists’ music. I also did that, but I want to stop it. I never realized how much work artists puts in their art. On how many late nights they spent just to finish the drawing of a manga or the endless anxiety of proofreading their books or how the not eaten food of musicians are now the melodies of your favourite song. I want to buy their art and support artists from now on. It’s their only way to live. They live through their art and i want to stop stealing their art. I want to stop being selfish and start giving more.

Make someone say “I Love You”

It doesn’t need to be an “I love you” by a love partner, it can be platonically. To be honest i prefer a platonic “I love you”. Maybe this was just me being insecure or me drowning myself in self pity thinking im unloved when I wrote this hahahaha, but it feels nice to feel loved or to feel like people need you. It reminds you you’re alive. I want to be someone who is worth loving, someone who is worth living.

Buy Slime

Ok I admit this one is dumb. NEXT. lmao

Be an ARMY (bts fandom) for a year

I’m someone who gets bored of something pretty easily. Someone who gets tired of something easily, so it’s a total shock for me to actually be in a fandom for a year. I want to be more dedicated to something from now on. I want something to be patient with and thank the heavens I met BTS. Next year i want to be with them, to have another journey around the sun.

Make an art piece you are really proud of

I honestly don’t only want to make an art piece i’m really proud off. I want to do do much more that makes me proud of myself. I often think I lack at everything, well it’s hard to say I do not when i’m not really the best at anything. This year I want to do something that I would be proud of and that is to accept the fact that ill never be best at anything. I dont need to be the best at anything. I have to do it and do it well. I dont have to compare myself to other people. I don’t need to be the best I just need to be better than my past self.

Smile at the end of the year and be happy

Every year, I never accomplish this. Whenever the clock strikes at 12 I always forget to smile and to be happy. It’s not because im sad. I just feel empty. It’s probably because I always think that the past year wasnt my year (I’ve been saying this for 16 years), but there’s never gonna be “my year” because even how much I try there would always be down sides in every year I live. This year I want to not be afraid of the downsides and to accept it. There will be a downside this 2018 again and it doesn’t have to be my year it just have to be a year that i complete. maybe just maybe i’ll finally check that box next to that wish.

eh

I just added this so my title would be 10 wishes. 9 is such an odd number to be an end of a list so yeah.

i’m looking forward to accomplish this list that were overshadowed by my list on 2017.

[saltysodavevo]

sorry

thanks for nothing. i came because you were my friend, not because i wanted to be lied to and hurt.

vent under the cut

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You ruined my life. I never want to see you again. It’s your fault. I hate you.

Yet I still choose to remember you.

Your name was Anna. You loved bananas. Rarity was your favorite pony. Neeky was your best friend. And I like to think that, at one point, I was too. You had a sister. Her name was Abby. She loved Disney. She loved Disney movies. Her life revolved around them. She loved to roleplay. She was your best friend, and you were hers.

We were so happy. There wasn’t a single moment when you weren’t happy and excited for something. Except-

When we had a fight. Yes, I remember. Exactly how it went.

I called myself a night owl. You got mad. That was Abby’s spirit animal. You told Abby, she got mad at me too. The rest is fuzzy, but you- You called me a whore. And you hurt me. You made me cry, for the first time. Though it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

We broke apart.

Later, we- we came back. When I told the truth about my name and age. You seemed to take it well. That was good. We were all friends again. We were happy. It was nice.

I was happy.

Until one day, you texted me out of the blue.

You told me that Abby died.

I was heartbroken, at a loss for words. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t find the right words. I didn’t know what to do. I cried, again. I was 9, 10 maybe. Naive. I believed it. You told me her friend would be on her account. I talked to “her friend”. I asked if they would sue.

“No, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, and besides, the camp was fun anyway.”

And I believed you.

I trusted you.

I was naive.

Last year, I reread the story Abby had wrote for you. For your birthday. The last words written were “maybe we should wake up,” spoken by one of two characters laying in bed, contemplating their next actions. I won’t lie. I teared up.

I spoke to you for the first time in years.

“hey

anna

uh

do you know where abby was going in her fanfiction for you?”

“Hm? Oh that! Sorry, I forgot all about it but.. no I.. actually have no idea.. I don't know if she's continuing it :c”

“ak

that sucks

i just finished reading it and

i was actually the one she trusted to proofread it

i feel like i should be the one to continue it

idk but

aaa

i wanna continue it but i don't know where she was going with it”

“She's busy right now, idk if she wants to continue it.. but I can see if she really really wants to, if not she'll probably just give it up to us! :D”

Color me confused.

I didn’t understand. I thought she had died.

I asked Neeky if she remembered.

“hey uh

idk if you talk to anna anymore but dont tell her i said this

didn't abby..die ??? i was asking her about the fnaf fanfiction and

hold on ill just send a transcript ig”

“she keeps saying it as if it never happened

and i just

im getting mixed messages

like

was she lying? is she talking about someone else who 'took abby's place'??? im honestly so fuck ing c o nf us ed

and im too much of a fucking wimp to ask her

there was such a huge boom about it when it happened

i remember she messaged me after it, she was upset as fuck and i mean i understood, i still do, her sister died and she got her phone and it was almost her birthday and i just aaa

but i dont

whats going on anymore im fu ckign”

“When did she supposedly die? Like a month or something?”

“wh

i

when we used to be the odd squad?”

“Lmao I worded that weird sorry like was it when school was still going”

“it was

camp

i think

yeah

and there was supposedly a big zipline over a waterfall with sharp rocks and abby wasn't secured properly

thats how i know it

i remember it like yesterday even, anna was so upset but im starting to think it was a lie i dont even fucking know anymore”

“Um,,,,, p sure she's not dead if Anna went to school as her normal self. Knowing anna, she would be so upset that she most likely wouldn't step out of her house?

That's when we still talked so she would've told me if she died and I don't recall she ever did?”

“have you seen abby around though?

she told me, i remember it, goddamn it

i think i still have the screenshot, even

im fucked up dude like what the fuck even

i,

he lp”

“Wait,,, idk if you remember but her dad was the vice principal of our middle school at the time. even he didn't take time off or something to mourn or attend a funeral or something of the sort.

Unless I somehow missed an entire period of my life”

“i have the screenshot but anna's wording it like it never happened and i dont understand i”

“Well I mean my point still stands. She didn't look any different while at school and when she texted me, she sounded as enthusiastic as she was before. Perhaps she lied?

And adding what you've said about how she talks, it doesn't really seem like something this tragic happened.”

So we confronted Anna about it.

“Hey anna”

“Ya?”

“uh

so

about abby”

“Ya..”

“didnt she...die? when i was talking to you about the fanfic you worded it all as if it never happened

‘ Hm? Oh that! Sorry, I forgot all about it but.. no I.. actually have no idea.. I don't know if she's continuing it :c’

‘ She's busy right now, idk if she wants to continue it.. but I can see if she really really wants to, if not she'll probably just give it up to us! :D’ “

“OH YEAAAAAAA

I thought I didn't tell you..

Sorry..

SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS SUCKS”

“but”

“..?

Her friend took over her accounts, yah.”

“but neeky said when you went to school you seemed happy and chipper as usual and- wasnt your dad the vice principal or something

?

neeky said there wasnt any funeral or anything and i do nt

e ve ne

i mf ucke d u p”

“I.. really don't like talking about this”

So then Neeky asked:

“Like I wasn't even told about this until not too long ago,,,,

Um can you at least give me some info if this is real bc I didn't even know,,.,.,..,”

So then you left. And I tried to get in touch with you and ask what happened. Just- for any answer. Any smidge of an answer you had for me.

Nothing.

You were quiet.

Until you finally answered.

And tore my heart in pieces.

“I.. alright, yes, I did lie to you.. anyways.. I.. I'm really sorry but.. no, I'm not sorry.. let's just get this over with.

I can't be your friend.

You've lied to me and told me the truth but..

I really hate that because I gave so much of my friendship to you.

One of my good friends on Kik is going to talk to you, goodbye.”

I got a message.

I talked to your friend.

I was told to kill myself, that I hurt you, you’ll never forgive me, you hate me, you don’t want to be my friend, you don’t want to see me ever again.

I cried.

Again.

And now here we are.

Present day.

And I’m writing about you.

I guess there’s a reason we remember our most traumatizing moments.

I hate you.