#again this is probably a bad hour to post this but ill just rb it from hour to hour hehe

[aqqleshiqqing-archive]

SELFSHIP COMMISSIONS (CLOSED)

PLEASE do read my carrd for more!

- contact me through DMs and we can discuss your commission from there

- after paying, i'll send you a sketch of my draft and you can express what details you'd like me to fix, add, etc.

- after drawing your commission, i will post it in my blog with a watermark and tag you - but if this doesn't appeal to you just let me know!

- i usually don't send transparent variants of my work, but feel free to tell me if you'd want a transparent version of the piece.

- i have the right to decline. please understand if i choose to reject your request even if it doesn't check out anything under "will not do" - you have my full permission to use the commissioned piece for personal purposes (icons, headers, image/video edits, physical prints, etc) but absolutely NOT for commercial purposes. credits are highly appreciated! (@/jils-things)

and of course, if you are unable to commission me, reblogs are always helpful. helps gets the post around the community~

slots will always be updated here below, dates will be renewed for every new customer and finished commission!

SLOTS (5/5) - [12.14.23]

@/lovinglin

@/dreamlandwarriorr

@/meropides

@/lumibye

@/shapelyshifter

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

[its-short-for-jackalope]

tonight i am currently experiencing one of the other adhd emotions, aka

Nothing I Do Will Stimulate My Brain Except Watching The Same Movie I Have Watched The Last Three Days And I Am About To Lose My God Damn Mind

[artofdying1970]

tag game !!

thanks for tagging me @mothernatures-sons and @catinsatintrousers <33

1. Why did you choose your url?

i loooove all songs from revolver but she said she said is probably my favorite. it's so good + the story behind it is really interesting !!

2. Any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them?

@flowersintherubble ! pretty much an aesthetic blog? i rb posts about poetry, writing, web weaving n shit. one day ill post something original there but idk when lol??

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

so i first made a blog on like ?? 2018 ?? then i came back on another blog around 2019 for like two days lmao. and now im here !!

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no </3 i dont use the queue feature because i get excited about people seeing my posts so i just post them immediately 🥺

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

i had a really popular beatles acc on twitter on like 2019 but eventually i deactivated and got into another fandom (mcyt😐) when i got back into the fandom i wanted to go back to twitter but i couldn't find mutuals quick enough and so i joined tumblr lol

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

george's heart shaped glasses were iconic like i *had* to immortalize them

7. Why did you choose your header?

idk it matched my color scheme :) plus it's a pretty cool picture imo !!

8. What's your post with the most notes?

i think the one where i made a joke abt how the bugs's music changed throughout the years and shit ? it wasn't v funny tbh

9. How many mutuals do you have?

idk but i love them all !!! <3 (i may have favorites but shh)

10. How many followers do you have?

214 !

11. How many people do you follow?

128 😗 i guess im still stuck with the whole skinny ratio mentality from twitter lol

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

that's like. my entire brand it's a little pathetic honestly

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

like three hours 😐 obsessed much ?? lol

14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

i mean not really?? i made a post where i stated an opinion and someone rb'ed telling their opinion and i was like ??? i literally did not ask lmao but it wasn't really a fight so

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

they're shit !! idc how good your cause is if you have to harass or make people feel bad about not reblogging your post you suck lmao !!

16. Do you like tag games?

yes !!!! please tag me in any !

17. Do you like ask games?

again yes !! i love talking about anything :)

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

quite a few actually. i love them but they make my silly little blog feel even more silly

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

omg i literally made like 3 posts talking about this at the beginning of the month i think??? the answer is yes but idk how to get close to them :(

20. tags !!

@bobamania @belldog @fempaul @mithranqueer @sgt-revolver @notn0wjohn @bluebeatlesgirls @seashantyskye @indipepki @pyritesuns no pressure ofc :)

[brokebuckkmountain]

Okay no one probably cares but I just did something I never pictured myself doing in my life

I just signed up for therapy of my own accord

(y’all don’t have to read, the whole thing is super triggering and rambly but I just need to get it out. don’t RB please)

Just the fact that I’m admitting I need help and am taking the steps to get it makes me feel like a faker, like I had this idea in my head I could get help only when it got so bad I was hospitalized. But last night I was laying in bed and it felt like I was dying, like I could feel my body giving out on me, and then one of the recovery instagram accounts I follow posted about how only 1/3 of people suffering from anorexia recover. And I know it’s considered the deadliest psychiatric disorder and I just got so scared. I don’t want to die or have life long health problems because of this. I don’t want to “quasi recover” where I still follow food rules and eat a somewhat manageable but still severe caloric deficit wherein I’m one bad day away from fasting and starving myself again. And I obviously don’t want to live restricting like I have, hair falling out and too dizzy to stand for long and in constant pain. And I’ve long realized there’s no stopping when I’m happy with my body, I don’t think I ever will be because the smaller I get the more flaws I find in the mirror and everytime I reach a goal I tell myself “not good enough” I give myself a new one. I won’t be happy until I’ve starved myself down to nothing at all and I know this is just a means to a very permanent end. I’m really fucking scared to get help but I’m more scared of what will happen if I don’t. Last year after a concert my brother started crying and saying he’ll blame himself for whatever happens to me, because he thought I was just interested in being healthy when I was getting sick and suggested the calorie counting app that quickly made me spiral. I can’t erase the memory out of my head and I can’t live with myself if I hurt him any more than I already have.

If you had told teenage Sarah she would be willingly seeking out professional help she would have laughed in your face. But I’ve finally grown up enough to realize my teenage view of myself was woefully misinformed, that I was just a kid who was drowning. I think this one is different because, unlike everything else I’ve ever struggled with, no one really gets concerned. I had to hide self harm scars and drug habits and my abusive relationship. But the more I shrink down, the more people around me encourage me to keep going and don’t see or understand the severity of what I’m struggling with. Every other obstacle I’ve struggled with, I knew it was wrong. I knew it wasn’t “good” to be planning my suicide or getting high off painkillers just to get through a day at school. But even I have a hard time convincing myself that starving to the point of illness, and then some, is a bad thing. And it makes it so much easier to spiral farther into the sickness. I have never wanted a diagnosis of any kind before, have actively avoided therapy and mental health evals because I didn’t want to admit anything was “wrong with me”. Now I am desperate for someone to tell me this isn’t normal. That I don’t need to keep killing myself. That it’s actually okay for me to fucking eat when most of my friends praise my “commitment to dieting and health” when I repeatedly refuse food and only voice concern when I fall over. Young Sarah never foresaw herself willingly seeking help, but young Sarah also never in a million years foresaw herself fading away from an eating disorder. I have lived with suicidal ideation and self harm since I was in elementary school and I know how to manage them. I have no idea how to manage this horrible voice in my head that screams if I put a piece of food in my mouth that I am going straight to hell for it. The voice that makes me spit it right back out and walk for hours in the dead of night when I should be sleeping to “burn it off”.

I am so lucky to have a job that offers 20 free therapy sessions a year. I may hate my job but damn, I have to give them that. I am lucky that there have indeed been a handful of people that realized where I was going with this, and vocalized their concern. I don’t want to downplay that.

I am terrified of what’s to come and I can’t stop crying but I just know I don’t want to keep seeing new bones show and more hair fall out and I really don’t want to die because of this.

Wish me luck