#again probably because of stress
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Welp, it's been almost a month and I'm not sure how to proceed.
I've been in the whump community for over three years, during which I've made both wonderful and bad memories, and recently the latter has started to overshadow the former. I associate a lot of memories with my stories, like what was happening when I posted x chapter, and it's difficult for me to look at my writing and not remember the bad things. Maybe that's the reason why I've also been wondering if continuing my stories is worth it - I haven't given up on them, I'm still really attached to the characters and ideas, but I'm just not sure.
All these doubts and burnout might just be caused by stress as always - I'm still struggling with uni stuff and my mental health - and like I said I have some very fond memories from the community, so I'm not going to make any serious permanent decisions like leaving or abandoning my stories. I just needed to vent, I suppose. And maybe ask for advice.
#and maybe fish for attention a little cause i don't know if people still care about my writing#i have terrible imposter syndrome and it's gotten a lot worse recently#again probably because of stress#but it's been rough#yeah i just needed to scream into the void#love you guys#marti vents#marti talks
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BLUNT NOT THE HEART, ENRAGE IT
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#I’m very normal about Doey I promise#phrart#art#poppy playtime#doey the doughman#poppy playtime doey#poppy playtime drew#poppy playtime chapter 4#crimson embers au#poppy playtime crimson embers#Drew is getting his ass beat👍#just another Tuesday at the Playtime Co. Factory#tried doing some funky lineart with this one!#prolly won’t do it again (after the next two parts)#because ow#parts are probably gonna be a bit shorter from here on out just so that I’m not stressing#make a big strip and release it periodically 👍👍👍#can y’all tell that I don’t have a proper reference for what Safe Haven looks like
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been watching a lot of hermitcraft recently and am happy to report that i am hopelessly endeared by these little goobers 💕 they’re like bugs to me
close ups under the cut!









gonna be real this was absolutely just me taking the opportunity to get my grubby lil mitts all up in their character designs lol i heart interpreting mc skins
#my posts#my art#hermitcraft#hermitcraft fanart#oh boy here we go#zedaph#tangotek#bdoubleo100#bdubs#rendog#falsesymmetry#stressmonster101#iskall85#cubfan135#goodtimeswithscar#WHY are there so MANYYY (<- is the one who drew that many)#anyways i love them they’re so…………#also just for the record i have Peaked with that lil ouppy rendog just LOOK AT HIMMM#i will never draw anything better than that he’s literally perfect#don’t. don’t worry about how long it took to draw one tiny thing it definitely wasn’t embarrassingly long struggling with dog legs#i’m also really proud of horsegirl bdubs giving his horf a big ol ‘MWAH!’ but that’s just because that one’s real cute :)#but yeah this was just a lil somethin somethin i poked at whenever i was in a Mood and needed something to draw forrr however many months#i tried challenging myself to draw hermits i probably wouldn’t much otherwise :)#it was fun i love designing my interpretations of various skins#it was really funny tho how i was fighting for my LIFE drawing zed and meanwhile ren and stress turned out perfect first try#was that purely on me for giving him wool and a terrible angle to draw a face at?#……..yeah probably but STILL#but i’m really pleased with how he turned out so 100% worth it babyyy#anyways posting this so i’ll stop poking at it i’ve gone ‘okay it’s Officially Done’ like 5 times now lol i need to leave it alone#POSTING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE I FORGOT TO TURN ON A LAYER AND DIDN’T NOTICEEE IF YOU SAW THE OG POST NO YOU DIDN’T
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you're leaving in two months, huh? guess that's kinda my notice, too. at least we have the rest of the summer.
#i am definitely not crying real tears imagining what this felt like#how did they do this to me with only 40 minutes. their power.#alexa and katie#alexa & katie#katie x aiden#cookie crook#kaiden#tvedit#netflixedit#cinematv#cinemapix#dailyflicks#everythingdaily#tvfilmsource#dailytvfilmgifs#userstream#otpsource#isabel may#barrett carnahan#my edits#*****okay but no i'm actually blubbering! wtf!#“call me if you get stressed out” because he's prevented her panic attacks before and wants to know she's cared for if it happens again#wants HER to know she's cared for if it happens again#(he's also saying 'keep my number in your phone. we may not be together but i still want to be there for you')#and it's so important to me that katie is the one who loses composure & affirms “i'll miss you” first#when she's the one who said they probably shouldn't get too serious given the circumstances#ALSO! the way that aiden never lost any of the traits she didn't like in the first place (ambivalent / cantankerous / smug)#but that didn't stop her forming an attachment to him anyway!!! god!!#i can't y'all these writers were ON something when they cooked this#fave
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shoutout to the girls from my mid class who saw me crying, said 'what's wrong?' in concern, then did Not laugh when i, not knowing how to answer them, solemnly held up a thumbs-down gesture. while continuing to cry. they were very nice and sweet about it all and so reassuring. 'you'll get it next time, they never fail people on the repeat!' not sure that's true, and i was told i'd be fine and wouldn't fail the first time, but yeah, appreciated.
#i have so much rage inside me this week but that's all right#next time i meet with disabilty support services i AM going to ask if there's any way of avoiding these assessments in future as the reason#i failed is NOT because i don't know the stuff. it's because of freezing up due to stress which news flash! is due to ! my ! disabilty!#but yeah i walked out of it obviously kind of sobbing (avoided a meltdown but not sure if that was wise lol) and straight into them#took me until most of the way home to even figure out where i knew them from cause i didnt know them from that class i just knew i knew the#here's hoping tomorrow's similar assessment goes okay-#bc honestly if i have to repeat the entire unit for this one if i fail the hurdle again. it will be okay. but if i have to repeat the mid#unit i think i might just expire.#shoutout too to the girl who walked past me crying after. two minutes came back to check that i was okay. and was very sweet.#gonna probably put a post on the uni subreddit bc i remember her name#anyway.#studying#personal#the thumbs down thing is genuinely hilarious to me today
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in the voice of someone who is so so fucking busy: i need to. draw.
#I STILL HAVE A WEEK OF BUSY-NESS TO GO. I JUST WANNA DRAW MAN#and then after that... im home free#thats actually a lie ill still be busy but i wont be stressing out so much over this one thing#velwy.txt#anyway i still have more asks to reply but but i have ti do that laterrrr probably. because im very exhausted ó^ò)#wait have i mentioned what im even doing. i. fuck I should probably be advertising that shouldn't i#WELP THATS AN ISSUE FOR TOMORROWS ME#AFTER THIS IS DONE I CAN PLAY CATCH UP AGAIN#because im behind on a whole lot#for both things i need and want to do
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The bertholdt hoover fandom is dying rt if youd wipe the sweat from his brow like if youd give him a warm glass of milk
#coming over here to my fucking reibert saved url from 2014 on my old blog because im going crazy thinking about bertholdt my beloved#my right hand arm. man. my confidant. my best friend. my silly rabbit.#bro my EVERYTHINGGGGGG#i loved him when i thought he did all that unprompted idgaf i will love him to my dying days#i was with him (and reiner) thru the dark ages where they had just fucked off in the manga after unsuccessfully kidnapping eren and they#didnt show up until literal years later. i stopped reading once they left i couldnt go on w/o them!!!!!!#the only info we had was that they predicted the damn weather based off how he slept!!! u have no idea the loyalty i have to this man (and#reiner and annie) but omfg. omfg. its so bad. just watched s2 for the first time in my LIFE and im losing my SHIT#idk if i can keep watching & the only snk i read after they left was their reppearance and then i immediately stopped again when he DIED!!!!#so we'll see if i can cope with continuing on. probably not tbh. anyway i 🩷 bertholdt. most tragic figure ever. right there next to annie –#and reiner. they were literal kids who were sent out to kill thousands and then live amongst the suffering they alone caused –#and had to wake up each day and face their comrades their peers their friends and know they had to keep going and deliver everyone to –#their demise. no one else could ever understand that burden ✋️. meanwhile reiner has a literal mental breakdown from the stress and develops#a dissociative disorder and annie isolates herself and bertholdt has to try to keep it together. the fucking TRAGEDYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! seeing#bertl's face when reiner talks about goinf home. the hope the grief the despair. ☝️ i need to die.#knowing he fcking died is the worst part. take literally anyone else omg theyre ready to go. free my man.
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It's been one year since we saluted goodbye to the Guardian! And by "we" I mean me, because no joke, when she was flying off in the archangel, I gave a salute (I listen to all audios through a third-person perspective).
But still! It's been a freaking year! And, also means it's been a year since MOTH 2: Electric Boogaloo (not the actual name) was hinted at! And now, we have a basic summary of what the plot is going to be, as well as the listeners canon name: Lilith. And thanks to the fact I took a good amount of religion/Judaism classes in college, seeing the name "Lilith" got some cogs in my brain turning.
Honestly, this is probably just me overthinking, and if I'm wrong, then there's no problem. This theory(?) is just for fun! So no need to take it seriously.
Note that I did a little bit of research about Lilith (the religious/mythological figure) for this. And that this theory only regards the creation story aspects of Lilith, nothing about her as a seducer who kills children.
Okay:
So, we know that lamia Lilith was made from the snake titan, as was Nosferatu. In interpretations of the creation story from the Torah/Bible, both Adam and Lilith were created from earth, compared to how Eve was created from Adam. So we already have one parallel: two beings made from the same source.
Another thing about Lilith is that she is the wife of Samuel (Satan). In the creation story, it's believed that Satan takes the form of a snake to trick Eve into eating the apple. This is important, because what is a lamia? A human top with a snake bottom. Also, snake titan. This doesn't have any real importance other than recognizing snakes in mythology.
And finally, looking at what happens regarding Adam and Lilith. In a basic summary, Adam tries to control/command Lilith, but she doesn't obey, and instead, runs/flies away from the Garden of Eden. Though I think at some point, G-d sends some angels to try and bring her back, and then a fight of some sort breaks out between Adam and Lilith. Now, In the MOTH 2 summary we got, we know that it is Nosferatu who commands Lilith to pretend to help Zed escape from him, and the question is: will she continue to betray Zed, or is she going to instead betray Nosferatu? I'm going to assume Lilith will betray Nosferatu, she will try to run away (more like slither away), but something will force her back, and there will be a fight between the two beings made from the snake titan. The outcome? No theory here. In an interpretation I saw, Lilith wins, but religious Lilith doesn't have a smol wizard companion she would need to probably fight for and that could get caught in the crossfire.
I tried looking up if the religious/mythological Lilith has any connection to music, since GBA had hinted that music will play a part in MOTH 2 (the fact we got that hint just based on my silly question about MOTH characters music preferences still blows my mind). In one source, it says that Lilith and Satan created music, but that wouldn't really apply to MOTH 2 because music must already exist in-universe.
But hey, that's just a theory!
An ASMR RP Theory!
#magicoftheheart#magic of the heart#good boy audios#goodboyaudios#fan theory#Again this theory is for funsies and isn't meant to cause any stress#Im an overthinker so I'm probably wrong about making the religous/mythological connection#Lilith is just a cool name#And it wouldn't make sense for it to be a direct parallel because that would mean Zed is Satan if there's a romance between the 2 characters#audio rp#audio roleplay
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So it turns out there's a big craft guild organization thing only a few hours from where I live (I saw an ad for their craft fair), and I got like half my holiday shopping done on their website, and the box arrived today! The thing I was most excited to see in person is fragile, though, and it's really well wrapped in bubble wrap and I don't want it to break when I mail it to the friend it's for, so I am not unwrapping it, but oh man the temptation is there lol I also got myself a little metal bug made of a bottle cap and some wire. It lives on my little corkboard where I put postcards and thank you cards now
#the person behind the yarn#I have gotten a little sewing done today during my lunch break#but not much! not much#these unprecedented times sure are not good for my stress levels lol#but the indoor wasp is outdoor wasp again#and I managed to successfully request prescription refills from two of my doctors this week#(for different medications) so that was good! I'm allergic to an inactive ingredient used by most pharmacies in one med#so I have to get just that one medication from a different pharmacy chain and it throws doctors for a loop every time#other good things: I had the answers ready for a question my boss unexpectedly asked during a meeting today#when my dad last went shopping he got more kleenex and the boxes have flamingoes on them so that's cool!#uhhh my dad is volunteering more which means I get to help out more with some prep things for volunteering#which is great I miss volunteering but I can't do what I used to anymore#for the record I did make this post almost entirely to convince myself not to unwrap the super cool thing for my friend#the other small percentage is because I really like the metal bug#I want to make some metal bugs#I don't think I have any of whatever the artist used for filling the bottle cap but I have hot glue that'll probably work#...I think I'm going to make some metal bugs
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please manifest with me that i‘ll pass my exam tomorrow and this time i really NEED to pass
#theory exam for the drivers license#if i fail and can’t retake it before the 9th of july then i have to start with my drivers license all over again#and i don’t have the cash to afford another 2K aha…………#i‘m so stressed i‘m in a depressive slump again#probably also because my life is changing a lot because i‘m graduating on friday#i like my dress and everyone said i look great in it but i just feel fat hashtag body dysmorphia#even when i weighed like 18 kilos less and my ex bf‘s mom said i look really thin i still thought i looked fat aha#and i gained those 18 kilos back so i‘m not necessarily doing great rn#and my acne may has gotten a bit better it’s still bad imo and i‘m not looking forward to the graduation pictures#because i also can’t do makeup and i‘m too pale to get it done by someone else because i don’t even know what my shade is#like i‘m not yellow i’m fr WHITE but all foundations are yellow?? even the lightest shades i can find#and yeah my makeup skills are limited to concealer and mascara and tinted lipbalm + lipgloss#if i still owe you an answer on discord or tiktok then i apologize but i got too much going on rn lollll#i‘m literally so packed this week it’s not even funny anymore. like i can’t even switch houses to my dads without it affecting me negativel#i was supposed to switch last friday but i‘ll switch THIS Friday even though it’s still lowkey an inconvenience to my schedule 😭😭😭😭#and mind you my dad lives like 5 minutes by foot away from me. i am THAT busy😭#when do the horror‘s end#the voices are speaking#but yeah please pray with me that i‘ll pass the exam or there will be a second part of me ugly sobbing as i walk through the city
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even the dogs!
#lifesteal#lifesteal smp#vitalasy#planetlord#princezam#itzsubz_#animation#animation done for stress relief purposes. somewhat successful. probably never getting more finished than this but if it does i'll just#post it again or something#i love animation so much it feels the most like a direct expression of emotion on my part out of any art form... and i'm finding that i#need to not plan animation out in advance as much as possible which is kind of true with all art and even writing because the fun part#is getting to realize the idea and as soon as the idea is recorded sufficiently i'm like Okay i'm done now#anyway i like season 4 vitalasy very much. the way his mind works puzzles and vexes me it's awesome
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Sorry for being mostly gone atm life things are happening but here have a pretty woman i drew to distract myself
#my art#digital art#i loke drawing pretty women when i am stressed out#its my coloring being real messy again because who has the time#man if i do this a bit more cleanly i could probably take commissions or something#idk#anatomy looks a little whack in this :(
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guys did I do something wrong I think I did something wrong omg I’m crashing out
#Oh my god I hate this#I can not be *that girl* rn omg#lilith needs professional help#Idek if there was a tone change maybe I’m just being overdramatic#Or maybe I’m just annoying and can’t handle when ppl don’t match my energy or something#Maybe I didn’t convey my energy well enough or something#Trying to stay positive#or maybe they hate me and I did something wrong again like I always do and fuck it up#Because I always seem to do that#God I hate being like this#We don’t need to go into the I hate that my friends are scared to criticize me rabbit hole but if I’m fucking Alice in wonderland#Bc I fell right down into it#Oh my god I need to calm down#Deep breaths or some shit#Even though they probably fucking hate me#And even if they don’t I’m just going to seem fucking psycho#I hate this I hate this I hate this#I hate being like this I hate being like this#I don’t want anyone to be scared to mess up around me#This is why they didn’t want to tell me#I’m talking about a whole different situation now#This is going so well#I love how I’m just getting progressively more stressed as I type this#I need to stop or I’m going to have a full anxiety attack and I don’t need that right now
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went back to comfort zone and ... got stuck there
#i will not be tagging this LOL only#for y'all ❤️ a treat from me ... something no one asked for nor wanted ❤️#just went back to my furries to comfort myself because i am incredibly unwell <3 i've been throwing up from stress among other things 💔#just quit my job so i'll probably. maybe. be drawing more. also my first appointment with my new psychiatrist is to#morrow ... so everyone please cross your fingers for me that i get to feeling a little better soon :)#thank you everyone as always for your constant patience :') i really want to get to asks soon ! i want to answer them so bad but i get so#overwhelmed trying to answer them that i kinda just ... shut down :'/ and i do that a lot just. in life. and it makes me kinda miserable#that i can't share joy with people who go out of their way to share it with ME so hopefully i can get my anxiety under control so that i can#be more active :') and my brain fog too ... even if i wanted to post i usually can't because i genuinely have no thoughts in my head ever.#(terrifyingly). so overall i hope everyone's patience with me will all be worth it soon :') please wish me the best !#anyway. lore dump out of the way. these are my furries of them that i have owned for like 4/5 years now because i used to not be able (or#want to) draw humans AT ALL and i was very very heavily involved in the furry and oc communities so i would just make everyone furries :)#it was very very comforting for me and sometimes it still is so i wanted to revisit them a little bit because they make me happy and i rly#need that boost today :')#i'm soooo rusty w furries. so. don't look too close.#i'll tag this as#rdr2#and for organization purposes#but nothing else because ... weh. it's not really ... Content ....#i will however make a new tag for these furries (and maybe other things) jic i get in the habit of drawing them again#hero's shameless self indulgence#hero draws sometimes#image#art
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I am starting to have the same body shape that my bio mom had when I was a kid. The one she called "ugly" and "morbidly obese."
I think it's kinda cute TBH. IDK if I'm technically the correct weight but I can bike 8 miles no problem, so that's got to count for something.
#i have a coworker who counts calories obsessively and i am very polite but it is rather stressful to hear her talk about it#but it probably doesnt mean anything because she repeatedly makes hundreds of dollars from weight loss competitions#i am not gonna psychoanalyze her like she psychoanalyzed me but methinks she might. be doing that. like. not consciously on purpose but lik#i think she maybe does not consciously feel like its as bad a thing as she thinks it is to gain weight#because of the hundreds of dollars she is going to gain when she puts it off again#i am not judging but you know how it is#i complained in her hearing that my warehouse job made me gain weight despite how active it was#she said it was because i wasnt exercising enough#i said 'i think it wasnt the right kind of exercise'#she said 'all exercise is good exercise'#i said 'ive lost weight since i got this job where i sit around and do nothing all day'#she said 'you must eat less'#which i mean i do. but thats not a good thing#i ate fuck all yesterday#i was so sleepy when i started making that spaghetti but i made myself finish it because i hadnt eaten anything all day#except for two zero calorie gatorades and a half size pepsi#that doesnt count as food. thats nothing#anyway#i like my curves and i even like the way my face looks if i do the right sort of thing with my hair#the point is at the end of the day that i refuse to be my bio mother#i am not going to hate myself for being 30
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i should've known better than to tempt fate (period has started while im at my uncles house with NO PADS)
#i didn't think it would happen because i stressed myself into an early period while on my birth control#so i was like hm... i know this is my week off birthcontrol now but#it PROBABLY won't happen again when i've already had two periods so close together right??#wrong#i forgot about my Curse
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