#again idk if I’ll render this but I’m kinda liking how simple this is

[charmedcleric]

WIP Tag Game

I was tagged by @darkurgetrash thank you for the tag my friend!!

This is my wip of my tav Athena and Rolan! I’ve been wanting to recreate this screenshot from the movie pride and prejudice with them for some time now and I finally got around to doing it <3

Tagging (no pressure of course): @lanabenikosdoormat @orangekittyenergy @auspex-author @lolthslover

[mrskurono]

a/n: this is the first installment(?) of the Nori brain rot from ages ago w/a Studio Ghibli vibe, idk man this just happened word count: 2.2k tags: post!Shibuya arc, possible spoilers, blood, violence, cursing(?), heavily Hoizer inspired, kinda edited character(s): Noritoshi Kamo, fem!sorcerer reader pt ll

Curses stank. 

In a metaphorical sense yes. But also in a literal sense for you. 

These twisted beings permeated your senses like a rot that you could never rid. Unless exorcised they stuck around in your nostril for days. Each one a different smell but all of them stuck in your craw all the same. 

Beasts of rancid nature in behaviors and looks. Nothing more than to be exorcised by sorcerers. You learned quickly that exorcising the curses was no different than taking out week old trash. 

What you hadn’t planned on was someone doing more than dumping trash on the world. Whatever had happened. Suddenly you were faced with more than just dutiful tasks of keeping non sorcerers safe. A monsoon of trash had been dumped not only on you. But every human in this world. 

Your nostrils burned. And you couldn’t be rid of these things quick enough. Each one you exorcised only meant two or three popped up in their place. Never ending. You couldn’t stomach this smell though. It wouldn’t kill you before you got a breath of fresh air.

Glancing around you take a deep breath. Mountain air on the outskirts of Kyoto during this time of year always meant a refreshing break from the city stank. What you smelled wasn’t refreshing. It was that same vile smell you could clearly recall. 

A curse. One that was close too.

To thread carefully was to perhaps save your life. Every aspect of daily life ripped from you. As well of millions of others. You had done your part to try and protect those around you. Soon finding it in slight vain as you sought out some place to find your own breath of fresh air in this madness. 

‘It’s close....I feel like I’m gonna hurl.’ Thoughts toying with where the curse might have hidden itself. You keep a firm grip on your hilt with every intent to draw it the second the creature made the mistake of slipping up. 

Where you could smell it lurking. There was something else. Almost metallic in scent. You ignored it though. Nothing over powered the scent of a curse. You longed for just the sight of these things. Told over and over again how handy it was to have more than one sense open to curses. Each and every time you took a whiff of one, it made you wish nothing more than to just be able to see these creatures instead of smell them as well.

‘Wait-’ Every alarm in your body went off. Snapping around you couldn’t smell the rancid putridness of the curse anymore. That same metallic scent hung around though. You couldn’t identify it. It was something you’d never smelt before but also so familiar. 

Each hair on the back of your neck rose. This was an old deserted Buddhist temple. No one should have been here except you and the curse ransacking the place. A safe haven or so you thought. When your instinct told you to step behind one of the structural beams. You were suddenly glad you did.

Mere inches from your face, the gust of an arrow whistled past you. Weapons were not used by curses. Now you understood. That smell was human.

Quick to defend yourself, with sword drawn, you didn’t expect the same arrow to make a hard one eighty back in the direction you were. No wooden pillar to save you now. You raise your sword just quick enough to sheer the object in half. Rendering what ever power it was imbued with useless. As it had sped past you though the faint smell of iron suddenly became strong. Whatever it was from had a source. Likely human.

Not ready to give up your ideal hiding place to some interloper. You take only a second to focus on the unfamiliar smell. Faint. And not like a curse. There was something towards the back of the temple though that hinted that they were lurking where you couldn’t see them.

With an idea of where the attack would come from. When another arrow came flying by you from a faceless source, you were ready. Smacking it down before the enchanted weapon could turn on you like the first had. This time though you’d seen what angle the projectile was fired from.

‘Gotcha,’ No shortage of ways around a deteriorated temple like this. You duck down through a few broken beams and make your way up to where the attack came from. 

Expecting to have but a lowly sniper sitting with no way to guard themselves. You find no one. But the scent lingered. Scrutinizing it closer you decided maybe to use a different sense, “...Hey, I know you’re not a curse! Neither am I! Maybe if you just-” Words cut off by another arrow whizzing past you. There was nothing ruder than being interrupted. Glowering in the direction that the arrow came from now you tightened you grip on your sword, “Ok! I get it- Strangers we might not-”

Another arrow. This time too close to your head for comfort. You lost your patience with the third one. 

Recklessly charging towards the assailant was clearly enough to throw their game off track. Swinging your weapon before seeing what it was to lie before you. It was a surprise when your blade met with the dull thud of the wooden limb of a bow. 

“What the-” You attack deflected for the moment being. Your first instinct is to jump back from whoever deflected your attack. In close enough range you thought you had the upper hand to avoid the bow. But that was purely lazy thinking on your part as the cause of the stank of iron became clear.

“Slicing exorcism!” This nobody who reeked of iron shot what looked to be a shuriken made of blood at you. 

No time to be disgusted. An overwhelming scent of blood made it apparent what you’d been smelling. It wasn’t a simple metal. It was blood.

“Oh- Oh!” You raise your blade up in the nick of time to just get the splatter of cold liquid on your cheeks. Disgusted in passing you have no time to dwell as the stranger before you makes to dart away. With their head of dark hair in your line of sight, you weren’t ready to try and re-find them once again in this maze of debris.

Lurching forward you feel the upper hand stall when they stopped your attack once more with the brute of their bow. Clear view of them now. The man who’d clearly fired the arrows was all but composed when shaking off your attack. No way to not suspect another sorcerer caught up in this giant trash heap of curse attacks. You still have no time to play nice when they hurl another blood conjured weapon at you.

In such suddenness you are less lucky than you have been. This one catching your cheek and causing a sting to spread throughout the skin of your face. Fed up with this game you don’t care if he’s a sorcerer or not. This was a one for all situation now that you intended to win.

Firm foot hold found. You realize the man has cornered himself at this point. Range attacks out of the question. Undoubtedly giving you the upper hand now. With a hefty swing of your sword and the first time you’d channeled any energy into at all. You bring it down like a guillotine. Ready to strike flesh. Instead the snap of the bow is your first sign of an upper hand. 

All but trash the man throws it aside but too slowly. You’re on him before the range attacker can pull that weird blood trick again. Slight intent to kill as if he were a curse. You swipe your foot down and knock him down to the temple floor with a hard thud.

You waste no time between the moment his head hit the ground and your above him. Tip of your blade pressed to his neck. One breath too deep from him and the sharp tip would pierce his pale skin. Eyes fixated down on him you realize in the moments after your adrenaline fades that he’s staring right up at you.

Sharp tongue your words come out curt only to be interruped right away, “Who are-”

“Another sorcerer-” His eyes open from the slits they’d remained in the skirmish, “What are you doing here? How did you-”

“I get to ask the questions!” You snarl, jabbing his throat with your sword just enough to watch a crimson bead peak from under the tip of your weapon, “You attacked me, what are you doing up here? Why were you-”

“...you’re so pretty-” Suddenly his eyes open wide realizing what he said, “Wait I didn’t-”

“Shut up or I’ll cut your throat out!” Your sword pressing uncomfortably into the side of his neck now, “I asked you a question! Why are you up here!?”

“Kamo-”

“What? What are you-”

“Kamo family!” He quickly sputtered, “Head of the Kamo family!”

The name rang a bell somewhere in your frazzled brain.

“I’m the head-” He suddenly registered really the blade to his neck, “I’m looking for stragglers-”

“In an abandoned temple?” You weren’t buying it. 

“My people live just down the hill,” He spoke earnestly, “I had to keep the stragglers safe when the curses released from their seals in the keep. Some where up here but-”

“I killed them,” You glared down at him, “I killed all but the one you shot. How long were you up here? Were you following me?”

A shake of his head even as he stared at the glimmer of your sword, “No. I was looking for anyone who came up here. I didn’t expect to find another sorcerer. I felt your cursed energy and assumed you were a curse.”

Eyes narrowing you didn’t like the sound of something so simple to this pretty face, “...I don’t believe you. Give me a reason I shouldn’t kill you right now or else-”

“Noritoshi-” He blurted out, “Noritoshi Kamo. Head of the Kamo family. I can give you some place safe to stay. I don’t understand what’s going on but-”

You lift the blade from his throat. Something about the diligent tone in his voice. Like he’d introduced himself like that a million times. You could kill him but it seemed a waste. Weapon retracted but no offer to help him up. You stand above him with a confounded glare, “...do you know what’s happening?”

His head shook and your stomach dropped. Noritoshi didn’t get up. Only propping himself up slightly when he realized the back of his head was thumping from the impact, “....A special grade curse released a powerful seal in Shibuya about two weeks ago...I saw but....” His face became somber and he shook his head once again, “...I don’t know what’s been going on. I just know things are in disarray and it’s my duty to protect my people.”

Once more you were skeptical but with how little rest you’d gotten in the past few days due to the tremendous increase in curses. This man’s words seemed as solid as any other theory you’d heard. More so than the plea of non sorcerer’s you listened to day in and day out about the end of times. 

“...Has the Jujutsu elders said anything?” You step off him completely. If he was speaking the truth maybe he knew what was going on as an actual heir to one of the clans.

Noritoshi looked up at you a moment longer, “No...there’s been a wide emergency notice to do what you can but our numbers....” He grew quiet, “...as many sorcerers seem to be dying as the rest of Japan.”

Perhaps the end of times were coming. You grip your sword hilt tight and take a deep breath, “....seems a angel of death is coming then whether we like it or not.”

“You’re a sorcerer.” He began to get to his feet, “Please, come with me. If anything to stay away from here. There is a grave yard on the other side of the thicket. More curses will come. No one should be here even as a sorcerer yourself.”

First hand you’d seen the influx he spoke of. From every direction. While out of the city provided some safety you knew that this place left you as vulnerable as any other if you stayed alone. With no words to be spoken of from the elders. And an age of curses threatening to crowd out humans. Like a trash pile reaching it’s capacity. You didn’t see much choice in this one.

“...I will kill you if I find out you’re lying to me.” Voice firm without breaking eye contact with him as you sheath your sword, “I smell one curse in this safe space of yours and I’ll-”

“Kill me, yes,” Noritoshi nodded with both busted ends of his bow in his hands as he looked on at you, “I am not lying but if you see fit, I’ll accept you as my angel of death then.”

a/n: I have one wine cooler in me as I finish this. This might be a multi part if the inspiration finds me. Anyways, um, yeah! This is an old idea coming so pls let me know if you liked it!

[amajikilvr]

yay, a new blog! 😁 ok so idk if you’ve ever read headcanons/drabbles of sero being latino and speaking spanish, but me and my niece awhile ago were talking about how cool it’d be if he instead spoke filipino or cebuano. so can i request a drabble of sero having a fem! filipino s/o who takes him to meet her parents and once he starts talking filipino or cebuano , they’re lowkey shook but nonetheless impressed? if you don’t wanna do filipino, you can do another language ☺️ tysm!!

Sero Hanta x Fem! Filipino S/O

word count: 987

sorry this took a little longer! i had final exams this week and wanted to make sure i did the appropriate research for this one because i am not filipino. that being said, i hope i properly represented this beautiful culture and language in this little drabble and would love for anyone who is filipino to let me know their thoughts xxx

You adored your boyfriend. Sure, maybe he didn’t stand out as much as some of his more prominent classmates, but none of that mattered a single bit to you. Your eyes were always on him and his equally goofy and comforting smile.

It’d been about three months since Hanta had asked you out during lunch one day and you had nervously accepted his proposition. He’d actually seemed shocked at your agreement and didn’t believe your agreement until you repeated it twice. You could remember all of that surprising event to a tee.

His widened eyes, the same color as a raven’s slick feathers. How his easy-going grin grew into one of pure excitement. The hollering and good-natured pats on the back from his rowdy friends as you watched him attempt to smoothly walk away.

“Hey, lovely girl.” Hanta drapes a long arm over your shoulder, careful not to let his quirk-affected elbow wack you when he catches up to you after school. You two begin the trek out of the crowded campus as his touch and words warm your heart, chest, and face. “Is that smile for me?”

“Actually, yeah.” You sheepishly admit while snuggling in closer to him. “There’s a good chance I was just thinking about you, but don’t let it go to your head.”

“Too late!”

Hanta pauses to beam at you before planting three obnoxiously loud smooches right on your burning cheek. A slightly embarrassing squeak escapes you before you playfully shove him off. He pulls you back in with a laugh.

You giggle along, but can’t ignore the apprehension growing within you. Today was the day. After about two months of formally dating, you’d decided it was time for Hanta to finally meet your parents. You actually hadn’t told him yet out of fear that he would panic and overthink it beforehand.

“So, what do you think about checking out that new smoothie place?” Hanta obliviously suggests as he takes your full and heavy bookbag for you. For a simple general studies student, the teachers sure loved to pile on the homework.

“Heroics class was a lot today. I mean, nothing I can’t handle, but I kinda worked up an appetite. You know? Like, a banana-strawberry smoothie would be pretty bomb right about now.”

You bite your lower lip slightly, urging yourself to just get on with it. “Okay, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I was wondering if you were cool with going over to my place… I really want you to meet my parents.”

Hanta’s dark eyes instantly light up and you scold yourself for even beginning to doubt his willingness. He was always asking about your family and culture. They’d moved to Japan from the Philippines when you were only a baby, but you did know Filipino as a result of your parents continuously speaking it at home.

You were always happy to speak a few words for Hanta when he requested it. He was so genuinely interested, it was both sweet and adorable.

“Seriously? Y/N, of course, I want to.” He reached for your hand and squeezed tight. “I’d love to, but can we still get food? I just remembered that chicken soup dish you talked about your mom making and now I’m seriously hungry.”

“The chicken tinola?” You chuckle and give his hand two equally tight squeezes in return. “I don’t know what she’s making tonight, but they’ll definitely want you to stay for dinner so don’t worry.”

Your nerves were partially tamed the moment your boyfriend practically dragged you along to the train station with the bubbly excitement of a young child.

-

“How do I look?” Hanta flashed you a sappy grin while dramatically flipping his shoulder-length black hair.

“Gorgeous.” You roll your eyes at him good-naturally as you both walk up to your front door. Tenser than you were a moment ago, your hand hovers over the doorknob way longer than it should.

Hanta tilts his head at you and clasps your forearm tenderly. You can feel his thumb through your uniform sleeve. “Hey, don’t be nervous. I’ll be on my best boyfriend behavior, everything will be fine. Just tell me what to do and I’m all ears.”

You shake your head and give him an apologetic smile. “Be yourself, Hanta. I’m just being dramatic.”

“Oh, and maybe… no kisses while we’re in there. They’re pretty traditional so,”

That last part, although completely serious, gets a loud throaty laugh out of Hanta. The kind of laugh that paints his cheeks rosy and somehow stretches out his grin even further. You can’t help but giggle along when he pulls you in by your waist. He kisses you full-force on the lips and after a few long seconds, you force yourself to break it apart.

“Fine, I think that will tide me over.” He smirks at you and laughs again when he receives a soft jab to the side. “Hey! Y/N! You know I’m ticklish right there!”

-

Your parents address you warmly in their native tongue before both giving Hanta an amiable, but hesitant, look. You watch as their eyes flick over him, from head to feet. His expression is boyish when he politely bows to them, but before they can speak to Hanta in Japanese-

“Magandang hapon.”

You raise your eyebrows, pleasantly surprised that Hanta’s remembered that simple greeting. A similar flabbergasted glance is exchanged between your mother and father. And he just keeps going. Now, this is stuff you did not offhandedly teach him. Between regular school and hero training, he’s somehow found the time to learn some on his own.

The short bit of Filipino he speaks is shockingly decent and comprehensible, give or take the understandable mispronounciation. It’s rendered your father wide-eyed as he goes to shake Hanta’s hand.

Practically kicking yourself in the foot, you wonder why you even bothered to let yourself worry about this.

[punkscowardschampions]

Liam & Edie

Liam: [a picture of Rio with her eyes crossed out like 1. Miss you and 2. Guess who I just talked to]

Edie: ofc she did 😑

Edie: what’s the damage

Liam: 0 to us I deflected the - to Lexie

Liam: do you want her framed for jumpscaring herself or is there anyone else

Edie: That’s all she cared about?

Edie: Bitch

Liam: it just didn’t take no time to convince her we’re perfect for each other

Liam: bc we are

Edie: yeah we are 🥰

Edie: surprised she copped to anything of the sort though

Edie: clearly can’t resist being nice to you

Edie: Lexie needs to calm down

Edie: 🤔 I mean, be kinda fucking hilarious if everyone reckoned she was doing it to herself

Edie: but maybe I’ve been too mean already 🥺

Edie: what do you think?

Liam: I think it’s pretty close to showing everyone her true colours if we do, Lex has gotta have been talking to your sister about me, I could tell, she thought I was a dick before I talked her round

Edie: She wouldn’t be happy for me unless you were a total 🤓 with no dick

Edie: that’s just what she’s like, crazy

Edie: but also not a stretch to see Lexie being a gossipy cow, I’ve heard her on other people before so

Edie: why would I give a fuck if her life is ruined

Liam: she basically accused me of wanting to hit you up for one reason and then wanting to immediately dip, if she thinks that’s what I’m like that’s only coming from one person

Edie: She’s pathetic

Edie: it’s clearly her saying it because you didn’t sleep with her

Edie: it wouldn’t be hard to spoof some shit, make it look like her

Edie: and she has nothing to say it was me, or you like she thought, and it weren’t no one else so she’s fucked, basically

Liam: [send her some shit that you’ve already started to work on because you knew she’d agree with this plan and the bits of the Rio convo where you said you’d try and find out and made it sound like you thought it was her but obvs it couldn’t possibly be hehe]

Edie: You’re so smart

Edie: She deserves this, she was definitely bitching about you, you can tell from how hard Rih said she weren’t

Liam: don’t be upset with me, but I was thinking about how Lexie also deserves to see us together and you happy and I invited them both to your show

Liam: you did say you want your family to take your music seriously

Edie: I’m not mad

Edie: You invited Rih too so she isn’t going to think you’re trying to get back with her

Edie: and I get to rub that and the fact I’m talented in her face?

Edie: It’s a good idea, baby

Liam: still, if you wanna create me in game and spend your time testing out different murder options, I won’t be mad, I should’ve asked you if it was a good idea before saying yeah to having us all there

Edie: [an 8-bit Liam but obvs we’re making an 8-bit us to smooch him not murder him, a lil gif moment of this or whatever it would be]

Liam: you only want a play through where we 👩🏼‍❤️‍👨🏻

Edie: that might make the thread 🤮 but idk if they’d be 😱

Liam: we’ll keep it off thread

Liam: [send her the floor plan to where your dad lives/holiday cottages so she can build it in sims like my boo would, live your dreams kids]

Edie: don’t need to make 50k nerds jealous, I get you

Edie: [just nerd out with that]

Edie: I’ll show you how generic the 👶 is

Edie: very rude

Liam: if the mods and cc don’t fix it, I’ll pretend I don’t 👀

Edie: the 👀 are already insane colours

Liam: no match for yours in real life

Edie: [pics forever]

Edie: [obviously also make your enemies to actually kill and send that]

Liam: if you sent it to Lexie nobody’d believe she created herself looking that accurate

Edie: harsh reality of a sim

Edie: the alpha CC does look like her facetune attempts, tbf

Liam: at least you can make her try to seduce the grim reaper instead of me

Edie: she’ll have ample opportunity to meet him

Edie: [all the dramatic deaths cut with her sim when they get hysterical]

Edie: I’m still mad at her

Edie: Rih blatantly thinking it was me too, not surprising but still 🖕

Edie: how’s it been today

Liam: only bc she knows how smart you are and most people who Lex hangs out with ain’t, I barely had to cover for you so she don’t really wanna think it

Edie: story of her life

Liam: how 😡 are you

Edie: it’s exhausting being mad at her, there’s nothing to do

Edie: people like Lexie, you can fuck with, or care even less than that

Liam: would it make you feel better to fuck with Lexie more

Edie: I wanna make you feel better more

Edie: you must be feeling as bored and crazy as me, if not more

Liam: if I could feel anything it’d be 💔 you’re not happy or here

Edie: is it worse

Edie: nothing

Edie: maybe that’s stupid

Edie: nothing seems preferable sometimes but only sometimes, which is maybe what takes it over feeling too much

Liam: it’s isolating, everyone expects me to feel too much, that’s acceptable, even years after

Edie: acceptance would be easier

Edie: you have me

Edie: no matter what

Edie: idc if no one else gets me, you do

Liam: I dunno what it says about people that they’d be happy if I was going round punching holes in walls but I know my ma would

Liam: she looks at me like she’s waiting for it, watching for a massive crack or something

Edie: they’ve got their reason, they want the reaction

Edie: then they can link a and b and ???

Edie: problem solved, not really

Edie: but they understand it and can wash their hands of you

Edie: that’s what they give a shit about

Liam: yeah

Edie: enough sympathy and hot meals dropped off and you’ll be ‘fixed’

Edie: you weren’t even the sick one

Liam: get enough hobbies, a part-time job, a girlfriend, move the fuck on

Edie: right

Edie: it’s so

Edie: I can’t think of the word

Liam: “she’d want you to be happy/have a life” no she fucking wouldn’t, she wanted it for herself

Edie: dead people get sainted

Edie: no room for who they actually were, better and worse

Liam: she’d hate me having any of those things just to rub in her face

Edie: what was she like, between being sick

Liam: I’ll show you

Edie: do you reckon she’d want you to remember what she’d want for you then, instead of how she was at the end

Edie: not to be like every other cunt about it

Edie: not that simple, or at all

Liam: she was a teenage girl, she’d probably want me to do more fitting in too until I’ve completed the coming of age shite milestones everyone else is, instead of telling other teenage girls from the internet how fucked up I am 😏

Edie: I think that might be a milestone so 👏

Edie: the bullshit of your sister not having her own life to live dealt with then, in this scenario

Edie: we have to find what you want

Edie: even if that’s not 🤵👧🐶🧒👰 with me

Edie: not gonna be Lexie about it, you know

Edie: I’ll still help you find it

Liam: I want you, not to be gay about it

Liam: to see where this is gonna go, how far I can take it before it ends

Edie: then let’s do it

Edie: what can I do today

Liam: what would you be doing if you could do anything

Edie: that’s the problem

Edie: I wanna be with you

Edie: but I don’t know what we’d do yet

Liam: I said I’d show you what my sister was like, the quickest way to do it is to act like nothing matters, your behaviour has no consequences

Liam: it’s not about me at all, only what you want, what’s gonna happen

Edie: and I can’t hurt you

Edie: because you don’t feel anything yet, yeah?

Liam: you can’t hurt me

Edie: you promise

Edie: do that and then we can do what I want

Liam: how do you want me to promise

Edie: 🤏🩸

Edie: mine is 📫

Liam: [brb father he’s gotta go draw some blood and put it into something she can wear as jewellery like Angelina Jolie and record the endeavour to send to the bae]

Edie: [that’s exactly what we gonna send, I know you can legit buy them so I’ll find a cool pic tah, his poor father so confusion]

Liam: [great minds boo]

Edie: kiss it better for me

Liam: [send her another video boy we’re in this deep]

Edie: god

Edie: okay, what do you do to relieve stress, let go and let off steam

Edie: do that

Liam: what do I do or what should you, bc I have an idea that I think would make you feel better about your sister

Edie: you can start by telling me what I should do because I’m intrigued

Liam: she said she’d lose it at Lexie if she did anything to you, if you lower your IQ by at least 100 you could have fun trashing her room but making it look like she did it herself to frame you, you’d have to wait til she was forced out with her family and bc there’s no check in or selfie proof everyone would just think they’re covering for her, but that’d be the only boring bit

Liam: your sister would feel bad for falling for it and believing you might be involved at all

Edie: I definitely don’t want to see her at mine ever again

Edie: I’ll do it

Edie: Bet she has a shrine to you

Liam: a curse would explain me being dead inside

Edie: she has no ✨

Edie: so whilst I’m ripping the heads off all her 🧸s

Edie: you’ve gotta do…

Liam: 🏊 the only thing there is to do

Edie: your da didn’t come prepared? 🔥🪓

Liam: he’d be prepared with a 🧯 more like but I don’t need his help 🔥🪓

Edie: you should see if anyone is around, like anywhere

Edie: see how easy it is to 👀 them without getting caught

Liam: it’s like you know me inside out

Edie: I do

Edie: I’ve got X-Ray 👀s

Liam: next time you miss me you can do an artistic rendering

Edie: of all your vital organs

Edie: not to kill the mystery and show myself up as a fake fan on the forums

Edie: but I think the outside view of you is a lot prettier 😳🥰

Liam: ok I’ll not send you any in the 📫

Edie: only the non-vitals, tah 😏

Liam: what’s left Alexis hasn’t got in her shrine

Edie: she 🥺 so hard you gave her your gallbladder

Liam: 10% risk of shitting myself side effects after it’s gone, 100% chance of that putting her off wanting to jump me, I’d do it

Edie: no need to do that now I’m here

Edie: no one is gonna wanna jump her when she’s outed as 😵🥴🤡

Liam: I’ll keep the scalpel sharp for lads who wanna get with you when they realise you’re 🤩🤓😎😇😈

Edie: I’m not complaining

Edie: I only want you around, ever

Liam: I’ll be going nowhere without you ever when I get back

Edie: Good

Edie: because I feel like

Edie: it’s like I’m doing so much to fill my time but I still just think about and miss you constantly

Liam: I’ll climb a tree and call you from the top

Edie: Describe your view the best you can

Edie: like I’m there too

Liam: facetime’ll make you feel like you are

Edie: not quite VR but I’ll take it

Edie: talking to you feels like our own 🪐 anyway

Liam: [do climb a tree and call her because what a mood just like you’re Elizabeth Allen]

Edie: [save that tree henny]

Liam: [do we wanna skip to his bday now or is there anything else you can think of that you wanna do while he’s still away?]

Edie: [hmm, we probably know the vibe, she’s busy with all the things they’re gonna continue when he’s back, also finding the first house they can break into and stay in, fucking with Lexie loads more]

Liam: [yeah and if we do think of anything specific later we can skip back it’s chill]

Edie: [let’s do it]

[abbystanaccount]

Hey y’all it’s me, content machine

Firstly fics, i mostly finished the first chapter of the chapters AU I wanna do, I’m trying to think out chapters leading up to during and the end point for when they find the fireflies and whatever, not so sure about the middle bit but I’ve already been writing some scenes for the next two chapters afterwards because if I get the inspo for it Im just like I should just put it down quick. So anyways first chapter soon...

Then 3D wise I won’t lie, kinda annoyed the last animation flopped 😂 like I know it looked simple but it was kinda hard to figure out how to work. but that’s just how it goes, the audience doesn’t understand the technical challenges behind things, they just like to see something funny or something hot. Like I FaceApped Abby with long hair and it took a minute and it got twice the likes lol.

But that just influenced me again to make another simp worthy Abby render to make people happy 🙈 Don’t think that I didn’t want to make that though, it’s cute renders and was fun to do. it’ll be out tomorrow afternoon. I just need that to ego boost and nice feedback bc I’m gonna finish the young firefly Owen/Abby piece and I’m gonna tell people to not bully me beforehand and I know it’s gonna flop on Twitter 😂. But also people don’t actually come at me often for things I think might make some mad, with the exception of the Ellie Abby kiss lol. But this one isn’t gonna be a joke, meanwhile that one was. idk I’m just like 😥 because so many more people follow me and I know I’m gonna get annoying comments lol. I probably won’t advertise how I wrote basically all their stories on AO3

But I’ll also then alongside post my little fic I wrote for that too, so those of us who do like them will keep winning haha 😌🎉

[bigskydreaming]

LOL so I’m gonna say something that a lot of people are gonna HATE, because of what it does to the usually preferred canons or headcanons of how Dick goes to live with Bruce after his parents die.

But there is one more reason that I prefer the juvie origin for Dick, beyond what I’ve said in the past, and its that....

There is no possible way for Dick to go straight to living with a single billionaire in his early twenties RIGHT after his parents died, or even just a week or two after that....unless Bruce abused the FUCK out of the system himself, in order to get Dick in his house.

And I don’t see any reason why Bruce would go to the lengths of bribes or calling in ‘favors’ that would be needed to expedite the OBSCENE amount of bureaucratic red tape he would need to navigate before any judge would let him become a minor’s sole guardian - especially considering he undoubtedly had no paperwork or had undergone any of the interviews or visitations or hoops demanded of prospective foster parents BEFORE they take in their first kid....

Unless he really truly had reason to believe that every viable alternative to him greasing the wheels like he HAD to have, in order to get Dick there with any kind of swiftness.....like, I honestly don’t see a mid-twenties Bruce Wayne, with his myriad of issues and his own self-image, honestly thinking that he’s SUCH a better candidate for taking care of this traumatized eight year old kid that he’s going to cut any corner he possibly can to speed up the process....unless he was utterly convinced the alternatives were so much worse.

Like say, if he found out that the system had decided the best thing for Dick was to be tossed into juvie.

I mean....the process for fostering a kid, becoming a legal guardian, ANY which way you go about that....its not as simple as just, signing a few papers. No matter WHO you are, UNLESS you leverage that ‘who you are’ bit to get people to step on the gas to a degree far beyond anything they’re supposed to allow. 

It takes TIME. 

And even in scenarios wherein Bruce takes Dick in as a kind of witness protection while Zucco is on the loose - first off, that’s far more unrealistic than even the juvie take because like....the police HAVE protocols for that sort of thing. They don’t just hand over a kid to the first civilian who steps up and volunteers.

Honestly, the canons and headcanons where Bruce just ‘arranges’ for Dick to come stay with him almost immediately after his parents’ murder....like, they honestly skeeve me even more than the juvie thing, because of how matter of fact people are about it? Y’know? Like nobody seems to see anything wrong with the idea that a billionaire just, with zero prior experience or qualifications just says “oh I’ll take this boy home with me” and everybody goes “yes sir, well you’re a billionaire so if you want him, you got him,” like....it treats Dick like a toy. That’s not how things work, and its not how things SHOULD work....and most importantly IMO, I can’t fathom Bruce thinking that he’s the best option for Dick to such a degree that he’d break all the rules in order to get custody that fast. For that matter, if he really could arrange all that, in spite of the way the process is supposed to go, then shouldn’t it beg the question “why couldn’t Bruce pull similar strings to ensure Dick could stay with the circus, the people there who clearly loved him and wanted him to stay?”

And honestly, I kinda feel like the way people have reduced that whole process to the shorthand of “well Bruce is the good guy and we know with the benefit of hindsight that he’s Dick’s dad in every way that counts, so of course Dick has to end up living with him, so why NOT quicken the process to just a few days”....like, I feel like that actually contributes a lot, albeit unintentionally, to this tendency to take Dick for granted both in universe and out of universe, because it lends this air of like...’only the destination matters, the end result.’ Which is usually how Dick gets screwed in most cases....because people only ever look at the end result of his stories, the last position he ends up with...and completely fail to consider any of the steps in between that happened along the way, and all the things that might have happened alongside each of those steps, that lends important context to his final position in a given story.

Like this idea that well Dick has to end up with Bruce, that’s the part that matters, so its not really all that important how or why.....I feel like that really has a lot to do with how it so often gets just accepted at face value that Dick’s the one in the wrong for keeping his distance from Bruce at later points in life, or for leaving the manor, or for digging in his heels with stuff....because it all loops back into this mindset that “everyone knows Bruce loves Dick, the best place for Dick is in the manor with Bruce, ergo, everything else - like how he comes to live with Bruce or his reasons for storming out of the manor - are semantics, irrelevant details, etc.”

Except...they’re not.

And so again, as an example like....you can’t really just cut out the entire process of Dick coming to live with Bruce...because it really, truly, EXTREMELY doesn’t make SENSE for Bruce to get custody that fast without having SOME kind of leverage.....and it similarly doesn’t make SENSE for him to think he’s so clearly the most qualified person to take in this traumatized kid (no matter how much he empathized with him), that he would circumvent the system he USUALLY is so militaristic about upholding as much as he possibly can, while still being a vigilante. And that last bit sure doesn’t feel in character for Bruce, from that particular angle.

UNLESS.

Unless he’d discovered the system had MASSIVELY FUCKED UP with Dick, and he no longer trusted it with him whatsoever....and so THEN he took matters into his own hands, and did whatever necessary to get custody of Dick ASAP - realistically helped along by the MASSIVE leverage Bruce would have had at his disposal if he threatened to publicize what they’d done to this eight year old orphan.

THAT, to me, feels far more realistic, and far more in character for Bruce....and it at no point takes for granted any of Dick’s own personal journey along the way, or renders it irrelevant or an unnecessary detail.

Idk, maybe its just me, but I’ve always been super uncomfortable with the level of detail fandom puts into fleshing out Jason and Tim’s backstories (and with precedent established by his taking in Dick, any of his later kids would have had very expedited custody arrangements....but that makes it MORE likely that the FIRST kid and the process of gaining custody of him would include hoops that later kids’ stories wouldn’t), while at the same time, hollowing out Dick’s origin story to a barebones outline of ‘well his parents died and then this and this happened and then he lived with Bruce and became Robin and happily ever after until he hit his teenage years and developed an attitude problem.’

Like, there’s just something very....unsettling about how much fandom has romanticized the idea that this billionaire with a quite frankly TERRIBLE public reputation, like this is a guy who has DEDICATED himself to appearing totally irresponsible as far as the rest of the world can tell.....and just....being like ‘oh hey, no big deal about this guy of all guys just being like hey I see you have an eight year old orphan there, howzabout I take him off your hands for you’...and fandom’s like....swoon. Y’know? I mean yes, WE know Bruce is a superhero, WE know that years of cute Batman and Robin and father and son bonding would lie ahead of those two after that.....but...ANY scenario in which Gotham is like....yeah we see no problems with just letting Brucie Wayne take a traumatized orphan home to live in his big old manor with him....like..yeah. 

I mean, even as I’m typing this out, I’m thinking that yeah, there is something to be said for streamlining the process in the name of escapism, so that there’s a smoother, easier transition for this poor kid and he doesn’t have to go through so much.....BUT like at the same time, its one thing when we’re talking cute fluff stories and others when the angst is clearly a focal point of the story and yet the story STILL romanticizes this....Daddy Warbucks swoops in to save little Orphan Annie and like, this is definitively treated as like....nobody should be raising objections to this or being like wait a second....

Because the latter feels less like its being done in the name of escapism and more, like....in that sense I was talking about where it all loops back to how often Dick gets reduced to a prop within his own narratives like...things happen because they HAVE to happen, not because like....he’s a person going through things that inform the choices he makes and the things that happen from there, yknow?

Or maybe its one of those things where its like....I feel like that story is one that’s meant for a different time, at this point? Like, there WAS a time when the billionaire swooping in to take the poor orphan off to live in a manor was the kind of escapism people were looking for, but we do live in a different time now where I think most of us would agree like...wait, a decision that big deserves more than being treated like the billionaire just stops in to shop around for an orphan to accessorize with, kinda?

Idk, I feel like I’m not explaining this well, the precise reasons this disturbs me so much, which is why I’ve never posted about this particular angle before, but its been on my mind a lot lately, so maybe it makes more sense than I think it does here? LOL.

*Shrugs* Idk, I just honestly do feel in the long run and in the big picture, Dick’s personhood is ironically better preserved in the scenario where he was definitively stripped of it by an uncaring system and thrown into the last place he should’ve been....with Bruce then, upon discovering this, moving heaven and hell to see that personhood or awareness of personhood, more accurately, restored to Dick, no matter what it took, even if he had to do it himself. Because again, I also think that there’s a heeeeell of a lot of hubris in Bruce thinking that he was equipped to care for this kid right off the bat....and its not even that I don’t think he is (because I think Bruce really was a good father to Dick in their early years, and the majority of their problems arose later, when Bruce was unable to reconcile that this kid he’d once thought himself so alike to was growing into a man with his own ideas and choices that Bruce couldn’t understand or relate to). 

Again, I think its more that I don’t truly see BRUCE actually having that degree of confidence that he’s truly a good fit for taking care of Dick, not being more worried that all his issues and his focus as Batman would be a deterrent....unless he had an external kick in the ass that made him feel like no, I don’t trust this job to anyone else at this point, so I HAVE to be up to the task myself, its that simple.

[randomfandomimagine]

Smile (Dan & Phil x Reader)

Characters: Dan Howell (danisnotonfire) and Phil Lester (AmazingPhil)

Fandom: Phandom/Youtubers

Categories: Reader Insert, Gender!Neutral Reader, Polyamorous

Title: Smile

  Requested by anon:

Hello! Could you possibly write a Phan x reader (polyamorous relationship cause I rarely see it) and the reader is depressed and kinda suicidal so Dan and Phil just take care of them all day. Like tell them why they're amazing (cute sticky notes idk whatever is fine) and take them out and just make em happy and feel worthy. Very fluffy! You don't have to write this if it's too triggering and/or if you're against polyamory. I'm just sad and this stuff always makes me happy. Chao!❤

Requested by anon:

Could you pleeaasee write an imagine where Dan and Y/n have a cute date night at home with dinner, movies and cuddling, etc and then they put music on and 'Perfect' by Ed Sheeran comes on and they slow dance in the living room and with their foreheads pressed together and just really fluffy stuff then Dan says everything he loves about Y/n and he proposes at the end of the song?? Sorry that it's so specific! thank you! <3

I let out a big sigh as I continued to apathetically browse Tumblr on my laptop, not really even enjoying what I was doing. I was just trying to distract myself not to dwell on my negative thoughts.

I stirred in my bed, lying in a different position, and feebly kept on scrolling through my dashboard. I couldn’t wait to go to sleep.

Then a knock came on the door, surprising me. Even though, honestly, I should have expected them to check on me. Truth was, I had almost forgotten I lived with Dan and Phil.

“Come in” I replied tiredly, sitting up slightly to look at the door.

“Hey, Y/N” Phil stuck his head and stared at me.

I noticed how he frowned when he saw me, his eyes filling with concern.

“Hi, Phil”

“You alright?” He asked me, trying to keep an upbeat tone in his voice.

With a sigh, I put the laptop away and properly sat up. Phil cautiously walked into the room when he noticed this.

Since I wasn’t really saying anything else, he sat down in the bed with me.

“We haven’t really seen you for like two days other than bumping into you on your way to the bathroom or something” His beautiful blue eyes pierced me worriedly.

“I have been feeling… well, pretty depressed” I was so tired that I didn’t really care telling him the truth. I just wanted to feel better.

I could read the genuine sadness in Phil’s eyes in response to my words, but he still kept a cheerful attitude when he replied.

“Why hadn’t you said something? You know we’re here for you” His hand tenderly rubbed my upper arm in a fond gesture.

I just shrugged, not really knowing the answer. When I was like that, I was pretty lost and didn’t really know how I felt. I was just so dull and passive.

“Well, we’re gonna get you to smile, you’ll see” Risking it a bit, he leaned forward and kissed me in the cheek. “Dan!!”

As he called out to the house, hoping to receive an answer, he stood up from the bed and offered me a hand. I felt too lazy and couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed.

“Yeah?” Finally, it came Dan’s voice from somewhere in the house.

“Y/N is sad!” Phil replied loudly, so he could hear him. “Come here and help me put a smile on this cute little face!”

I rolled my eyes at his attempts, still finding them endearing. Phil was also so bright and so nice, it warmed my heart.

“Wot?!” Dan exclaimed in outrage, and we could hear him racing toward us.

Phil chuckled at his endearing gesture while I waited for the inevitable.

When Dan arrived to our room he was gasping for air as he had run so fast, the goofball. I would have smiled if it weren’t for that mood I was rendered in because of my stupid depression.

“You’re sad?! I thought you were being lazy and wanting to be alone with your movies and stuff” He sighed, not too happy about such discovery. “Is your depression acting up again?”

“Yeah…”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“I don’t know…”

The two of them were there, watching me worriedly, and they were so determined to help me. It was so sweet, but I couldn’t expect less dating them both.

“Wanna go play videogame or something?” Phil offered with a kind smile.

“I guess…” I shrugged again, not truly feeling like it but knowing it would do me some good.

Besides, Dan and Phil always managed to cheer me up. I never understood how they did it, but after spending a few hours with them I felt so much better. They made me so happy.

I guessed I was too focused in my own negativity to remember. Or to even think about going for them for help.  

“Let’s go!” Dan took me by the arm and somehow pushed me onto his shoulder.

“Dan!” I complained as he carried me outside the room.

“Be careful!” Phil yelped in a high-pitched voice, stretching his arms out just in case I fell, prepared to catch me.

*

They tried distracting me with videogames, movies and anime, but it didn’t quite work. I couldn’t really focus enough to enjoy any of those activities.

Using it as a last resort, we were watching Friends, knowing how great that show was. It always filled you with great vibes and made you laugh. Good enough, I guess.

The three of us were cuddling in the couch, me being in the middle so I was in the receiving end of both their cuddles. Phil comfortably rested his head on my shoulder and cupped my hand with his, a gesture that surely meant to reassure me by giving me some affection. Dan copied him as well, taking my other hand and intertwining our fingers together.

We laughed a little when, in the TV, Joey pushed Ross into the refrigerator and blamed him of breaking it. That show was so light-hearted and funny that it somehow managed to raise my spirits a little.

Feeling comfortable and slightly better, I leaned into Dan and rested my head on his chest. Phil didn’t lose time to wrap his arms around me and fondly nuzzle my neck as Dan placed an arm around me.

We didn’t speak as we watched TV, we didn’t need to. We were comfortable, and for the first time in days it was finally starting to feel like I could allow myself to smile a little. Because I was content right there and then with them.

All of a sudden, Dan suddenly gasped. I could hear his heart speeding up a little since my ear still rested over his chest.

“Have you eaten anything today?” When I looked up at him, I noticed how he stared at me gravely, eyebrows knitted in concern.

“Y/N, please tell me you have” Phil separated himself from me, but his hand refused to leave mine.

“N-Not really…” I admitted in a whisper, ashamed to confess it.

It was just that when I felt like that it was so hard to accomplish simple tasks as such. Eating, drinking water, showering… all those things felt like a world to me when all I had the energy for was lying down in bed.

Not to mention that my upset stomach wouldn’t really accept food.

Gently sitting up so I wouldn’t fall without his support, Dan then stood up. He dedicated me a determined glance as he pointed his finger at me.

“Phil, you spoil the fuck out of Y/N” He told us in his jokingly important voice. “And I’m gonna make dinner!”

“Dan, you don’t have to” They were definitely spoiling me, actually cooking for me.

“I’m gonna!” He was already on his way to the kitchen.

Knowing him, he would also make my favorite meal even if it took him forever.

While Dan was gone, I looked at Phil. His kind blue eyes were piercing me lovingly, it made me think of how much they both adored me. Perhaps if I was worth their love, I couldn’t be that much of a mess as I thought to be.

I managed to smile a little, warmed by the idea that they were trying so hard to cheer me up, to take care of me and remind me how much they loved me.

To do anything in their power to make sure to look after me when I didn’t look after myself, to distract me and be there for me. That alone meant the world to me.

“You already know this, but…” Phil mumbled, eyeing me carefully as though what he was about to say was delicate. “You can always talk to us, if you need to vent or cheering up or anything”

“I know, Philly” Endeared by his further efforts, I held his face and pecked his cheek amorously. “Thanks”

He then displayed a cute smile, even if his pale cheeks had turned a light rose tone. It was adorable when he blushed.

“Want a marshmallow?” Phil suddenly said to avoid embarrassment and to divert my attention from his blushing.

To my surprise, that precious boy pulled out a small bag of marshmallows from his pocket as though he carried it with him at all times. I always knew he had a sweet tooth, but that was ridiculous!

“Phil…” I laughed, shaking my head at the silly scene.

He then let out a strange noise, a mixture between a shocked gasp and a happy high-pitched squeak.

“Dan!” He was overreacting, but it was great seeing how he celebrated my improvements. “Y/N smiled! She’s laughing!”

“Wot?!” A yell came from the kitchen, and we soon heard feet stomping as his enormous stature ran across the house to get back to us again.

Seconds later, he stood at the door of the room, watching us with a twinkle of joy shining in his brown eyes.

“Mission accomplished!” Phil jumped to his feet and high-fived him.

Even if they missed and made a fool out of themselves. I couldn’t tell if that was deliberate or not.

“Does that mean you’re gonna stop being nerds?” I affectionately asked them, trying to convey my gratitude.

“No!” Phil replied in his outraged high-pitched voice.

“It is still our duty to spill you to the maximum!” Dan took my hand and gently pulled at it until I was standing up from the couch. “Come here!”

“I’ll keep cooking, be right back!” Before he left, Phil kissed me in the cheek.

Gallantly, Dan placed an arm around me and took my hand and began to slow dance with me.

“Thanks, Danny” I gladly snuggled closer to him, hiding my face on his shoulder and enjoying the warm closeness.

“Don’t mention it, Y/N” He left a tender kiss on my forehead that made me giddy.

*

Having eaten, hydrated myself and being spoiled, it felt livelier. Dan and Phil’s cares had greatly improved my mood and seemingly belittled my worries and insecurities. They were still there, but with those two boys around they didn’t seem as important anymore.

Somehow I ended up lying in the couch, with my head resting on Dan’s lap as he tenderly caressed my hair and with my legs up on Phil’s as he absently tapped his fingers against them.

Thanks to them, I was experiencing a comforting calm and peacefulness that I hadn’t in days. My anxiety used to drive me crazy with distressing thoughts and this feeling of being unable to breathe. But right then I sighed happily.

“You know what you could use now?” Phil mumbled, his eyes directed to yet another episode of Friends in the TV. “Some fresh air”

“Very fresh air, actually” I replied jokingly. “We live in London”

Dan and Phil exchanged a hopeful glance because of my little joke. Those two nerds, being so happy that I felt in the mood to make a joke.

“You’re right” I mumbled as I lazily stood up. “But just a little walk, I’m kinda tired”

“Yeah, just enough to get you some fresh air!”

“Or some direct sunlight” Dan teased us, knowing it would be cloudy.

I briefly gave them a kiss before I went to get ready.

As I walked to my room, I noticed there was something in my door that wasn’t usually there. A small green sticky note with Phil’s messy handwriting.

Curious, I picked it up and read it.

‘Hi, Y/N! Get ready to read the things we love about you…’ I turned around the small note to read what was in the back. ‘I wanted to tell you in person, but Dan knew you would be all flustered so…’

That comment earned a chuckle from me, because I realized they were right. I would feel overwhelmed and stupid if they rambled about those things in person. But it was an adorable idea, and one that definitely made me feel better.

I opened the door and let out a small laugh when I noticed there were sticky notes all over my bedroom. Dan and Phil must have sneaked in when they were ‘making dinner’.

The closest one to me was on my bedside table, a blue sticky note with the number 1 scribbled on it with Dan’s handwriting. I picked it up and turned it around to read the first compliment.

‘Your amazing smile! Are you kidding me? That bright, genuine wonderful smile that can bring world peace! *heart eyes*’

I was very glad that they decided this method instead, because I would never see the end of it if they were telling me all those things to my face. I would blush so hard that their teasing would end me.

In the headboard of my bed there was a yellow one that read ‘Number 2. Your eyes are so warm and friendly and beautiful!’ with Phil’s handwriting.

The number 3 was written by Dan, stuck on my desk, and it said ‘I swear, Y/N, the sound of your laughter is so pure and precious that it purifies the darkness of my soul’ in an orange sticky note that made me laugh.

As I got changed, I kept on reading these cute little notes. And feeling happy and blessed with each one.

*

They were waiting for me out of my room, already dressed and ready to go out. They were so lovely, it was so heartwarming all they were doing for me that day. And always.

“Ready?” Dan asked me with a warm smile plastered in his lips.

There were hidden mischievous smile on both their faces as they tried to pretend like they didn’t fill my room with adorable little notes.

I nodded and hugged them both tightly. I lingered on the embrace for quite a while before we left the apartment, feeling lucky that I had those two wonderful boys that I could call boyfriends and that would always be there to cheer me up. To make me smile.

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

still harping on the shrink appointment

i just don’t… get it. when i told my shrink “i’ve accused myself of having no willpower, and i guess that’s probably it, but that doesn’t rly mean anything” she misunderstood this as a situation in which she needed to reassure me that wasn’t the case so she was like. “well it’s not that you don’t have willpower—i think you do have willpower—you just… is deferred gratification a problem for you?” and like?? haha yes? isn’t that what willpower is?—the ability to do things that’ll eventually reward you, even if they sound unpleasant now? but instead of raising this objection i of course just said yes, that is a thing i’m bad at, and explained that i can’t seem to want anything badly enough for long enough to put up w/ shit, because i can’t believe in or understand or visualize the consequences of not pursuing whatever reward. so she was just like “so it sounds like you can’t make yourself do things you find uncomfortable.”

and i said yes but… not really? it was weirdly frustrating idk because. i have had this conversation with myself so many times, and i’m never satisfied by that explanation because? i do things i find uncomfortable constantly? and often without hope of reward but just because i’m too lazy to do or think of a way to do them less unpleasantly. the super simple example that comes to mind is that sometimes i’ll do something standing up, even tho it both hurts/wastes energy and breaks rule of competence, instead of bothering to get a chair. and sometimes in an ill-conceived gesture of self-respect (i.e. when i’m in the mood to deplore and correct all the unfair things i do to myself) i’ll try to convince myself that i do this as a mortification? and i definitely have done it as a mortification, esp. when in “fight” rage and/or on the kind of “good day” healthwise that crumbles the walls a little and makes me despise the rules. but usually it’s just because… well, most people e.g. hang their clothes while standing up. so that’s the way i learned to do it. and the task is not interesting enough for me to want to devote extra mental energy to figuring out how best to do it?—i don’t care enough about closet organization to want to institute improvements, and i know that if i start thinking about closet improvements i’ll get all excited about it and waste a ton of time and spoons rearranging the whole thing. which, before i start doing it, sounds rly stupid and tedious to me, because that’s the common opinion (on cleaning in general).* therefore, BUE mode!

…and maybe there’s also another self-protective element to that?—to doing things in BUE mode even tho i know i make a better tortoise than a hare. like. last year starting around november, when i was miserable physically and also startin to get depressed, i remember i sometimes would take showers earlier in the day than necessary even tho i knew i could theoretically get more done if i put it off. like—there are some heavily spoon-depleting activities, like taking a shower, that i know i can trust myself to finish once i’ve started them no matter how much i don’t want to? since like… i’m not gonna walk out of the shower w/ shampoo still in my hair just because sitting under hot water made me want to throw up; i’m not gonna leave the bathroom naked just because of how exhausting it sounds to put on pants. but once you get out of the shower you have to rely on your executive function to initiate the next task manually, so unless i have very specific plans for what i’m gonna do after the post-shower catnap the answer tends to be “go downstairs and nap some more.” and for a while at the end of last year i started using this as a cheat to procrastinate e.g. on studying for finals? constantly asking myself whether this was me being lazy or prudent. so like—this might be similar, idk. “wasting” spoons early in the day so i don’t use as many overall. but this’s been one hell of a digression, so um

the point was, willpower. “it sounds like you can’t make yourself do things you find uncomfortable.” idk; now that i look at this again i suspect it’s maybe just. one of those inevitable miscommunications that occur between like. the reductive optimism of a person who sees your sufferings from without, and the confused unmotivated pessimism of someone too close to the problem? like. maybe “you can’t do things that make you uncomfortable” is. the zoomed-out version. of what i experience as a positive feedback loop of exhaustion and brain fog with executive dysfunction. but see now that i actually write that i suspect i’m being not so much a grownup as a doormat. it’s just weird i’m not used to not knowing whether or not to take things insultingly i’m... sitting here w/ this consciousness that generally speaking it’s Immature and Unproductive to feel insulted by the way your shrink describes your problems since that usually just means you don’t like looking at your problems, but? usually this knowledge renders me incapable of taking offense? i’m usually good at remembering that if her understanding seems sloppy and reductive that’s because she doesn’t know me as well as i know me, and that i can’t expect her to, and! i know that!!! i just. blugh. i wish i could tell whether i hate what she said because it’s unhelpful/incorrect or just because it makes me sound lazy, and, also, i wish i could decide that i’m right to think she’s wrong about me instead of just adding “get better at doing things that make you uncomfortable” to the endless pile of resolutions, again, even tho i resent it and know i can’t trust myself to use this reproach productively. I’M SO TIRED OF BEING A GROWNUP!!! I DON’T WANT TO BLAME MYSELF FOR LITERALLY EVERYTHING but the only alternative is “*fatalistic shrug* i’m doing my best” and...........that one’s no good either.

*even tho that’s actually not my opinion on it, and i know that? i have enjoyed cleaning on enough occasions to have to concede that i kinda like it. but since 1. it’s bad for me (so, rule of barf + the lifeless factoid that eventually fades to) and 2. the fact that i like it embarrasses me a little, i habitually hide this observation from myself.