#aegoromanticism

[fzjp]

Lowkey want to do a comic about my experience being aroace (and realizing aesthetic attraction and realizing im aego aroace) but maaaaannnnn i don't know where to start

Actually I do, not as a comic... not anymore

I'm one of those aces who thought they were bi/pan before realizing zero attraction is still zero, also one of those aces who have the horniest, most degenerate thoughts and laugh it off and move on with my life

I realized I was aro when I was in a romantic relationship and thought "Why do I suddenly feel nauseous??? How to delete??? Now????" And that was my first and last romantic relationship. 0/10. Would Not Recommend. (Unless you want to then go wild. Who am i to tell you what you can or can't do??)

I first learned about aesthetic attraction while learning more about asexuality and its spectrum and lemme tell you one thing

IF I LEARNED ABOUT AESTHETIC ATTRACTION MY LIFE WOULD BE SOOO MUCH EASIER

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME PEOPLE SEE OTHER PEOPLE PRETTY AND MOVE ON???? CUZ IT ME!!! ME TOO FRIEND!!!!!

Now I've heard aegosexual as a microlabel before and moved on but now looking back at it... yeah... yeah it me

While there are many definitions for aegosexual, this definition

"Liking the idea of sex, and/or enjoying sexual content, but not actually experiencing attraction or wanting to have sex with anybody"

FITS ME SO MUCH!!!! IT ME!! IT ME FOR REAL!!!!

[batri-jopa]

Being aspec is usually compared to bi or pan: love and desire directed toward other genders equally - only like with zero intensity. When in fact it can be very intense feeling and very strong emotion... only not directed toward anyone around specifically.

It's like pure energy locked inside.

What may help to cope with that is feeling it in other couples, in characters of movies, books, pictures and songs.

Feeling it so intensely as if I were them while not being myself anymore.

I'm okay with being aromantic, I truly am. I like it. But every now and then I get hit like a fucking sucker punch by the smallest things. Like, I listen to a love song and no one pops up in my thoughts. Or read a poem or watch a heroine fight for her lover on the big screen and my mind is fucking blank. But my heart isn't!! The feelings are there, my god, they are there. And I pine, I piiiine because I can feel love, I know I do, but I don't want to put it anywhere, not actually

[the-frosty-mac]

ok so for those keeping up ive done a lot of thinking and i think i MIGHT(!!!!!) be aegosexual. for those of you unfamiliar with the term, it refers to someone on the asexual spectrum who is uninterested or apathetic (potentially averse) towards personally participating in sexual activity, but can still feel drawn to sexual scenarios in the form of art, observation, or fantasy. Those who fall into the category generally feel a disconnect between their own person and sexual matters, hence the general disinterest in personal participation.

I emphasize the word “might” because it’s hard to tell, frankly. It’s a bit of a difficult idea to wrap one’s head around, and (tmi but without getting into too many gory details) my personal sample size is not absolutely massive. It’s possible I simply have some anxiety and guilt issues I need to work out. So whether or not I’m actually aegosexual is a tentative maybe. Still, thought I’d give an update

[aegoromantic-culture-is]

Hey, so i’ve been identifying as aroace for a little while but i’ve always felt a bit left out because most aroace representation in media are romance repulsed and i love romance in media, recently though i’ve been told to look into Aegoromanticism and i’ve never related to something so much before in my life, but my question is if i can still cal myself aroace? because i’ve seen people refer to themselves as aego aroace and there are flags for that but i’m not sure if it means something different or not. I know i still fall under the aroace umbrella but i’m just not sure what label i’m supposed to use now

you are still aroace, no matter what microlabels you use!

[specialkindofidiot]

Whats aegoromanticism

(Had to coppy that from ur blog cause i knew there would be no way i would be able to spell it)

You are the [SECOND] person to ask me this question.

[soysaucevictim]

Just thinking about the whole "dispersing my ID markers thing"...

iZ!Logan is Korean diaspora. And he has my dream job - medical examiner.

iZ!Twins' parents are an exaggeration on the whole "having absentee parents" thing. (Could elaborate, but won't.)

iZ!Virgil's parentification, again exaggerated.

Gymrat!Logan is aroace. (And so are a bunch of the crew in the Begotten!AU, non-exclusively the twins.)

Gymrat!Remus's brand of crass aceness / aegosexuality is up my alley.

Gymrat!Roman's brand of aegoromanticism is relatable. (Tho I don't have his bellusromantic bent.)

Gymrat!Remus's relationship with his body is similar to mine. He's nonbinary and doesn't have a lot of gender dysphoria over his corporeal form. Though I gave him my health anxiety issues. :,D

Gymrat!Janus's genderfluidity. I tend to fluctuate between sorta-woman and nothing. (I do want to experiment with the presentation stuff, down the line though.)

More broadly - I like to explore stuff like trauma, grief, and other stuff. (Again, won't get into that.)

[eeveemaster547]

As someone who is aegosexual this sounds like aegoromanticism? Tho tbh I'm just trying to spread awareness of the "aego" prefix

to be honest there has never been a fictional character i’ve actually wanted to date. like. i want them to date each other. i don’t want myself as a person to be involved in this scenario whatsoever. what would i add to this narratively? what’s my thematic purpose in the narrative? immersion breaking. 

[lizzie-lance]

Ace-Spec and Me

me: an aegosexual/aegoromantic/ ace-spec

also me: willing to try out a queerplatonic relationship / marry an aro-ace friend who is being badly pressured by family to get married

-------------------------------------------------

me: wants to be in a relationship of some sorts (cuddle buddy, date buddy, ballroom dance buddy)

also me: scared of commitment

---------------------------------------------------

me: wants to come out to the adults and excitedly tell them about being aspec

me: scared of people judging / misunderstanding me 

[ ‘it’s just a phase’, ‘you’ll meet the right person’, ‘are you sure’, ‘what’s wrong with you?’ *thinking I’m broken*]

[freethelgbtqia]

[Image description: A ouija board with a transparent aegoromantic pride flag over top]

Aegoromantic: someone who experiences a disconnect between oneself and their romantic target

[lord-wooper]

I know it’s been actual ages, I just haven’t really felt like being active since I’ve been finding other things to do in life (like joining Theatre).

Unrelated, here’s this pride flag I made in preparation for Pride Month. It’s a variant of the AroAce flag for Aegosexualism and Aegoromanticism, which basically means that you feel sexual or romantic sensations but are unable to imagine yourself partaking in those relationships and/or are not interested whatsoever.

Although I guess I need to make this relate to Quagsire in some way… ummmm………. have it again but with Quagsire over it.

[stacotto]

Aegoromanticism in a nutshell

I don't wanna hide it in the tags

[aroaceconfessions]

I’ve never experienced any kind of attraction beyond platonic attraction towards people, and even that dissipates after getting to know some people, but with fictional characters? I think I just might be willing to give it a shot. The problem is that’s not possible. It’s not like I can get transmigrated into a fictional world and meet my favorite characters. I’ve always identified as aroace, but I wonder if this is something else. I thought it might aegoromanticism or aegosexuality, but after looking at various definitions, it doesn’t seem to quite fit either. I know labels are permanent or absolutely necessary, but I’d like to have something I can identify with so I feel like my emotions and thoughts aren’t just all in my head.

[aegoromantic-culture-is]

Could an Aegoromantic be romance-favorable or romance-indifferent?

I realized that most aego people I’ve seen online are often repulsed or averse to any form of real life romantically-coded activities, relationships, or affection directed at them and Only enjoy seeing it in media/happen to other people.

But even though I relate a lot to aegoromanticism, I’ve

Had “romantic relationships” when I was younger (I tended to mistake platonic attraction for romantic attraction but I was generally okay with the idea of “being in a relationship”- I didn’t actively seek it out but I liked the idea because I wanted closeness), and

Even though nowadays I recognize that I don’t necessarily desire a romantic relationship (I’d prefer a QPR), I like and even want some of the emotional and sensual things/affections that are often associated with romantic relationships which therefore could be seen as romantically-coded.

So, I was wondering if there are any aegoromantic people who actually enjoy romantic relationships/affections/activities in real life (even if they don’t have an active desire for it/don’t experience romantic attraction/have a preference for “romance” in fantasy or fictional scenarios)? OR at least just don’t mind it (neither uncomfortable/repulsed or enthusiastic)?

I'm sure there are some aegos who enjoy engaging in/are indifferent to romantic activities, it is a spectrum after all. But I think they may be harder to find because they seem to be a smaller part of the community.

[ink-stains-and-constellations]

I have been asked to share the slideshow, so here it is. (Cool transitions unfortunately not included.)

The art in the background was made by @ yuumei-art.

I did my best with the explanations and flags and stuff, but let me know if I am blatantly misinformed and it requires editing. Also, just to be clear, this slideshow was meant for people who know me in real life, including the people who don't know much about queer stuff, so I was trying to explain it in a way that was easily understandable. It's been edited so there's no personal information included because, you know, privacy, but everything else is the same.

Transcription under the cut in case you can't read the slides.

Slide 1: I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON (I think.)

Slide 2: COMING OUT Hi! I’m queer. LGBTQUIA+. Not straight. Whatever you want to call it. I have debated for a long time over specific labels, and I think I’ve finally come to a conclusion. Curious? Here’s an explanation!

Disclaimer: these are just my personal experiences and the labels I currently identify with. The labels I use may change in the future, or they may not, who knows. Also, I am not speaking for every other person who uses these labels, nor am I a walking encyclopaedia on queer matters. Questions are welcome, as long as they’re respectful and coming from a place of genuine curiosity and a desire to learn more, but I may not have the answers to all of them. I know you may find some of this confusing, not understand some of it, or think that I’m too young to be able to tell, but I ask you to be respectful of my identity anyway. At the end of the day, I’m just a person, too. 

Slide 3: I'M ASEXUAL (ACE FOR SHORT) Asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction. This means I’ve never looked at someone and thought that they were hot. Asexuality is an umbrella term that a lot of different identities fall under, but I’d say I’m a pretty textbook ace; no sexual attraction, period.

Just because aces don’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex – there are some who like it, some who don’t really care, and some who hate it. I would say I’m sex-repulsed, which means I fall under the latter category. I find sex kind of gross, things like sex scenes in movies or discussing sexual topics make me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to have sex with anyone.

Sex-repulsed aces are also called apothisexual, which is a microlabel (essentially a subgenre) that falls under the ace umbrella. I usually just call myself ace or a repulsed ace, but apothisexual works too.

Slide 4: I'M AEGOROMANTIC Aegoromanticism, also known as anegoromanticism or autochorisromanticism, is defined as enjoying the idea of romance, but feeling little to no romantic attraction and not wishing to take part in romantic activities oneself. It’s a microlabel that falls under the aromantic umbrella. Aegoromantics may like romantic media, have romantic fantasies, or engage in shipping within fandoms, but they won’t typically want a romantic relationship in real life, and there’s a certain disconnect between this idea of romance and themselves.

I like the idea of romance and enjoy things like romantic media, fanfiction, and the occasional dating sim game. I also like watching other people be cute and romantic with each other. However, the romantic fantasies I have had with me in them are idealised and often in third-person, and I really don’t care all that much about finding a romantic relationship for myself.

Slide 5: SINCE I'M AEGOROMANTIC, I'M ALSO ON THE AROMANTIC SPECTRUM (ASPEC FOR SHORT) Remember how I mentioned aegoromanticism falling under the aromantic umbrella? Aromanticism is defined as a lack of romantic attraction. Arospec is the term used for any identity that, like aegoromanticism, is a microlabel or closely related to aromanticism, and thus falls under the aromantic spectrum/umbrella.

I’m aegoromantic, but I also identify as aromantic (aro for short), since I’m under the aro umbrella and I feel little to no romantic attraction.

Just like with asexuality, a lack of romantic attraction doesn’t mean aros don’t want a romantic relationship. There’s aros who like romance, aros who don’t particularly care, and aros who are repulsed by it. I don’t really care either way when it comes to myself.

Slide 6: SINCE I'M BOTH ASEXUAL AND AROMANTIC, I'M ARO/ACE Aro/ace is the term used to describe people who are both aromantic and asexual. (You don’t have to be one to be the other – there are aces who feel romantic attraction and aros who feel sexual attraction.)

Slide 7: BUT YOU CAN'T BE ARO/ACE, YOU'VE HAD CRUSHES BEFORE! (AN EXPLANATION OF THE DIFFERENT FORMS OF ATTRACTION) There are multiple different types of attraction. Some are more commonly known, and some you may not have heard of before.

Sexual Attraction: You almost certainly know this one. In fact, you’re probably more qualified to explain it than I am. Apparently, it’s wanting to have sex with a certain person, or something like that.

Romantic Attraction: You’re also probably more qualified to explain this one. From what I can tell, it’s wanting to be in a romantic relationship with a certain person.

Aesthetic Attraction: This is when you like how someone looks – but it’s not the same as sexual attraction. You’re not looking at someone and going ‘they’re hot’, you’re looking at them and going ‘they’re beautiful’; admiring them aesthetically like you’d admire a sunset or a nice painting. (Fun fact: I mistook this for sexual attraction back before I figured out I was ace. I was shocked to learn that considering someone ‘hot’ wasn’t just liking how they looked.)

Platonic Attraction: This is when you really want to be friends with or otherwise platonically close to someone.

Sensual Attraction: This is when you want to touch someone – but again, it’s not the same as sexual attraction. This is more like… hugs. Hand-holding. A nice snuggle.

And there are many more! These are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Many people experience multiple forms of attraction simultaneously – for instance, being both sexually and romantically attracted to someone is the norm in romantic relationships – but they aren’t necessarily a package deal. I experience aesthetic, sensual, and occasionally platonic attraction, but not sexual or romantic. Some people have romantic attraction but no sexual attraction, and some have sexual but not romantic, so you could get an aromantic bisexual or a heteroromantic asexual. Forms of attraction that aren’t sexual or romantic are often referred to as tertiary attraction.

Slide 8: MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS In conventional terms, I’m single, since I’m not in a romantic relationship.

However, I don’t count myself as single, since I’m in a queerplatonic relationship!

Slide 9: WHAT'S A QUEERPLATONIC RELATIONSHIP? A queerplatonic relationship, also called a quasiplatonic or quirkyplatonic relationship, is a dedicated relationship between two people that is outside the bounds of conventional romantic or platonic relationships. It has the the deep love, and the commitment to each other that you’d expect in a typical romantic relationship, but it’s explicitly not romantic. There aren’t any clear rules for what counts as a queerplatonic relationship – instead, each individual relationship establishes their own expectations and rules as to what they’re comfortable with and expect from each other. Sometimes it’s like a super best friend, sometimes it’s nearly indistinguishable from dating from an outside perspective, and sometimes it’s something else entirely. Queerplatonic relationships blur the line between romantic and platonic.

You can think of it like… committed non-romantic life partners. Queerplatonic partners are each others’ people. They often do things that are traditionally considered romantic, like snuggle, hold hands, give each other small kisses, live together, sleep in the same bed, and generally show more affection and closeness than is common in most platonic relationships.  Some even get married or parent kids together. They’re much more than just friends, but the relationship doesn’t involve romantic attraction, nor is it defined as a romantic relationship. Some people have both a queerplatonic partner and a romantic partner; however, many also don’t. It’s entirely up to the people in the relationship to decide what their boundaries are and how their relationship works.

Slide 10: WHAT'S MY QUEERPLATONIC RELATIONSHIP LIKE? We see each other as committed life partners. We’re planning to get a house together eventually. We would consider it cheating if either of us had a romantic or queerplatonic relationship with anyone else without the explicit consent of all parties involved.

The specifics of our relationship and boundaries are our business, but we might answer questions if you’re respectful about it.

It started out as a close friendship, and just kind of… grew closer, until it wasn’t quite a friendship anymore, but wasn’t romantic either, so we wanted a new term to define it. After some research, we settled on queerplatonic.

It is not romantic, but it’s love all the same.

Slide 11: GENDER AND PRONOUNS I’m cisgender, female, and use she/fae (both she/her and fae/faer) pronouns.

Cisgender is when you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth based on your sex. Female needs no explanation, I’m sure.

Pronouns can be connected to gender, but they don’t have to be. I use the pronoun sets that make me the most comfortable, and those are she/her and fae/faer.

She/her/hers/herself is a fairly standard pronoun set, conventionally connected to a female or feminine gender.

Fae/faer/faers/faerself is a neopronoun set that has connotations related to faeries. Different people use them for different reasons, and they’re not exclusive to any one gender. Personally, I use them alongside she/her because I like the way they sound and make me feel. I also see it as a reference to the myths of faerie changelings and their connections to autistic people.

Slide 12: WHAT ARE NEOPRONOUNS AND WHY DO PEOPLE USE THEM? Neopronouns are any pronouns that fall outside of those conventionally or typically used to refer to people – essentially, any pronouns that aren’t she/her, he/him, or they/them. Common neopronouns include it/its, xe/xem, ey/em, and ze/hir.

People choose to use neopronouns for all sorts of different reasons. They may feel it expresses their gender identity better than conventional pronouns, they may enjoy the way using them makes them feel, or they may just like how they sound. Anyone who wants to can use neopronouns, no matter their gender.

Neopronouns aren’t just an internet trend or a phase, and they’re just as valid as conventional pronouns. They aren’t ‘made up’, either – or at least, they’re just as made up as the rest of language is. Some of the earliest neopronouns were coined as far back as the eighteenth century! They may be unfamiliar and awkward to use at first, but everyone deserves to have their chosen pronouns respected and used, even if they aren’t what you’re used to.

Slide 13: HOW TO USE MY PRONOUNS She/her/hers/herself: You likely already know these and have been using them for me.

Example: Stella walked to the milkbar to get icy-poles for herself and that friend of hers. She left her phone behind. I wonder when she’ll come back.

Fae/faer/faers/faerself: It may seem confusing, but these pronouns are used in the exact same way as she/her pronouns! Pronounced ‘fay’, ‘fair’, fairz’, and ‘fair-self’.

Example: Stella walked to the milkbar to get icy-poles for faerself and that friend of faers. Fae left faer phone behind. I wonder when fae’ll come back.

I know that it may be confusing, and I understand if you want to continue using only she/her for me. However, if you’d like to give it a shot, I’d appreciate you using fae/faer too! You can use either pronoun set, or switch it up a bit and alternate between them.

Slide 14: TO SUMMARISE: I’m aegoromantic and asexual. I fall under the aromantic spectrum, so I consider myself aro/ace.

Sexual attraction and romantic attraction = no. Romance in fiction and as a concept = yes. Aesthetic, sensual, and sometimes platonic attraction = yes. Sex = ew, absolutely not. Romance = meh.

Deep non-romantic love: YES. Just because I’m aro/ace doesn’t mean I don’t have a deep love for my family and the other important people in my life.

Romantic relationship = no.

Queerplatonic relationship = yes.

A queerplatonic relationship is a dedicated relationship involving a level of love and commitment that is similar to what is typically seen in romantic relationships. However, it’s not romantic.

I’m cisgender, female, and use both she/her and fae/faer pronouns, abbreviated to she/fae for convenience.

Fae/faer pronouns are neopronouns, and are used in the same way that she/her pronouns are.

Neopronouns are basically any pronouns that aren’t she/her, he/him, or they/them. They’re just as valid as conventional pronouns and should be respected. I understand if you find my neopronouns confusing and would rather just use she/her. However, any attempts to use fae/faer alongside she/her would be appreciated.

Slide 15: AND... YEAH. NOW YOU KNOW. Any questions, or can I go back to eating garlic bread?

I got bored today and made an entire slideshow explaining my sexuality, romantic orientation, relationship, and pronouns.

Am I out to anyone but my partner and my brother? No.

Am I planning to come out to anyone anytime soon? No.

But if I ever need to explain any of it, I have a slideshow.

[theaceandaroadvocacyproject]

Today we are talking about aegoromanticism and aegosexuality! Otherwise known as autochoris-romanticism/-sexuality. Image description under the cut. 

[ID: A light yellow background with black text, and the TAAAP logo in the upper right corner. The text at the top of the image reads “Aego-”, with “Aegoromantic” over the aegoromanticl flag and “Aegosexual” over the aegosexual flag. Under the flags the text reads "Those who do not personally feel romantic attraction, but enjoy seeing depictions of romantic love and may even have strong desires to see it presented by others. Those who do not personally feel sexual attraction, but enjoy seeing depictions of sex and sexuality and may even have strong desires to see it presented by others. Aego was originally called “autochoris” by sexuality researcher Anthony Bogaert, but as he defined it as a paraphilia, much of the aspec community opted to create a less clinically loaded term.” End.]

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

I go back and forth between being romance repulsed and a hopeless romantic and sometimes it’s just. Really hard. I’ve never been in a relationship and sometimes I think I want to be but then other times I really desperately don’t, and sometimes I’ll read about people being in love and desperately crave that. They’ll kiss and the description will make me swoon and it’s all I want- and then I think about actually being in that situation and I become less and less sure that I actually want that. I just want to be as happy and comfortable as I imagine I’d be but there’s no way to know that’s what would happen, and there’s no way to know how to get to that feeling outside of the romantic situations. I’m happy a lot of the time, so much of life has so much joy to give, but that specific kind of feeling I imagine with romantic relationships is just. Nowhere else that I’ve found yet. So I worry that if I do get into a relationship, I’ll find out I hate kissing and romance and everything about all that when I’m involved, and then I will have to go back to just daydreaming about it with no way to get there. And the more I think about how much I want to feel that way, the more pressure I know I put on myself, so then I worry that I’ll expect too much and it won’t be what I’ve envisioned and I’ll be disappointed, making it all the more likely that I won’t actually like the romance. I don’t want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yeah this is one of those things that can be so hard to navigate. Do you have a genuine desire for romance? If so is it something you can actually enjoy or will fluctuating desire or romance repulsion get in the way? Do you like the idea of romance but not the actual reality of it? Do you think you want romance because you live in a society that tells you you should?

And there's not really an easy answer for it or a way to figure it out. You can try dating and see how it goes if you're comfortable doing that, there's nothing wrong with doing that. But if you're also feeling like it's not going to go well and you don't want to put yourself through the stress of that, that's absolutely fine too. People don't say this enough, but when navigating identity and wants you're absolutely allowed to go with best guesses. You don't have to be 100% sure.

It's also completely OK to enjoy the fantasy of romance or the idea of romance, but not want to do it yourself. This is how a lot of aegoromantic people for example (which means someone who feels a disconnect between themselves and what they find romantic, enjoying romance but not wanting to be an active participant themselves). So that could be something else to look into too. Another thing people don't say enough is enjoying a thing as an idea or in fiction/fantasy doesn't mean you have to want to seek it out in real life.

It is true that for a lot of people, including alloromantic, real life dating and romance doesn't live up to its fictional hype. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, and people still usually get a lot out of it or still enjoy it. Where it crosses over to being more the aromantic spectrum (assuming IDing as aro because romance doesn't feel how you thought it should) is that it doesn't feel right or you're not feeling what you'd consider actual romantic feelings, or doesn't feel worth it, or you don't feel like you're getting much out of it.

Things that may help could be looking into aegoromanticism, and seeing if that helps you navigate it a bit better (and this doesn't mean you have to identify with the term, though of course you can if you connect to it), looking into aro spaces like Arocalypse (aro themed forum) or Carnival of Aros, (monthly blogging event where aros are invited to write a post according to a theme) and reading up on their relationships/experiences with romance. And people who are questioning often find people talking about their personal experiences really helpful and useful (though reminder you don't have to match other people's experiences exactly, it's a huge spectrum).

So hopefully something here is helpful. All the best, Anon!