#admittedly i am also grey ace/aro

[mayhaps-a-blog]

It's probably my taste in men but it really feels like Doctor Who is trying really hard to convince me the blandest white guys ever are somehow the hottest shit on Earth, and also space. And also time.

[thekingdomoftrolldinnia]

Notes on Calliope vs. Vantas

When we first came up with Calliope and Vantas, the fact that they were two sides to the exact same coin was completely by accident. Originally, they were going to a couple already pretty far along in their relationship, but I voted against that. I was pretty sick of the Love Saves Everyone narrative and wanted to try something at least a little more different. After that, they were going to end up as a couple half way through the campaign and I still consider their brief relationship canon. I didn't make Vantas aro/ace till about a third of the way into the story. A lot of that was coming to terms with my own identity but a good chunk of it was, admittedly, I felt like their relationship was playing into the Love Saves Everyone trope again, and no matter how I tried to subvert it, Calliope kept dragging it right back.

Now that the campaign is over, I've got a pretty unique perspective on them. I genuinely believe their relationship would have been impossible, that there was no way they were ever going to last as a romantic couple. I think this for two reasons.

Firstly, Calliope had everything handed to her prior to the campaign. Yes, she suffered immensely at the hands of her birth parents, but all of it was soothed by being adopted and doted on endlessly. The only reason she ended up as part of the party was because she was too selfish to obey the only command her parents ever gave her, all for her own safety might I add. Because of this, she had no reason to notice that her behavior was starting to mimic her abusers'. Why would she even bother to notice the pattern when she was given everything she ever wanted? She was completely allowed to resume her childhood and had free access to parental approval and affection.

Where as with Vantas, he never got any comfort at all. From four years old he was forced to make life altering choices, and at twelve he was expected to carry on a rebellion he wanted nothing to do with. He was robbed of his childhood and any kindness he would have developed with it. Had he and Calliope been a long standing couple, they would have destroyed each other. Vantas would have become so resentful and cold, whereas Calliope would have become demanding and petulant.

Secondly, Vantas being aromantic was a massive issue for Calliope. Its canon that in order to feel included and validated, she needed everyone in her social circle to either love her like family or romantically, with no grey area. Vantas did, and will always, love Calliope but he won't ever be in love with her. And that's an issue. She can't classify him as family without invalidating his feelings for her, and making the fact that they've had sex weird. And she can't classify him as romantic either because that's more than what he's experiencing.

I think this is also the reason she never bothered attending Vantas and Leon's wedding. I think the pain of seeing what she could of had would have been too much for her. And by the end of the campaign she was so resentful and bitter, I don't doubt that she would have ruined the wedding to feel validated.

According to what Calliope's creator has said about her in the afterstory, I don't think Calliope has matured at all. I think she's shoved all her harmful behaviours to the back of her mind and expects that using the Ashblood people as props in her narrative and starting a relationship with Isis has fixed her. But it hasn't at all, she's still extremely selfish and sees nothing wrong with appropriating a culture she is not welcome in.

Vantas isn't perfect by any means, but he has very much changed. I will admit I am very biased though. But he's not angry anymore, all the hate has physically caught up with him and forced him to reevaluate himself. Even if he never married Leon, that would still be the case. He knows he'll never get his childhood back or undo his mistakes, he's accepted that and is doing good for himself and the people around him. He's not going out of his way to be a saint, he's living rather quietly and peacefully. He's being gentle with himself, something I not once envisioned for him.

Vantas healed, Calliope didn't.

[fatherofmachine-a]

PERSONAL BLOGS,  PLEASE DO NOT REBLOG !!

I've learned some interesting things  about Harold these last few months,  things regarding INTIMACY that I'd really like to share / write down.  This piece of him has gone through quite a lot  of METAMORPHOSIS since I started writing him 4 years ago  &  there's a lot  of ways I portrayed it in the past that honestly make me CRINGE a little now tbh.  Harold is grey-aro-ace ( greyasexual  &  greyromantic )  &  admittedly,  when I started,  there were a lot  of things I DIDN’T KNOW,  a lot of things I didn’t look deep enough into until someone smacked me in the face to do so ( which I am IMMENSELY grateful for,  especially since it helped me discover that these identities apply to myself as well  ).  SO,  this is hopefully the last rendition  &  this part of Harold will be written the way I feel it should be.  This ALSO includes some amendments  to the details about Harold’s scars (  which will also be UPDATED in his bio )  &  how he feels about them.  I might also add scar details to the post I made about his injuries.

I'm putting it under a READ MORE so that those who are interested can read,  but those who aren't  can easily scroll past.  

      Some of this is NSFW so please  proceed with caution.

When it comes to PHYSICAL INTIMACY,  Harold does most things slowly,    but very thoroughly.  Kisses,  for example,  are slow,  achingly sweet  but VERY THOROUGH  &  intense.  He's curious,  responsive,  explorative,  he likes to savor  the experience  &  he's not one for rushing or being in a hurry.  He's initially inclined toward LEADING,  especially  because if he's kissing anybody,  he's confident in his desire to do so ( while also assuming he's receiving positive signs from his partner ).  Not to say he wouldn't  let his partner lead,  if that's what they wanted  &  there's enough trust there ( he's gotta trust A LOT for any kissing to happen anyway ),  he would ABSOLUTELY follow if his partner really wanted  to do that,  assuming he’d be comfortable with where things are going.

Harold’s scars from the FERRY INCIDENT  &  from surgery related to that incident,  he has ... complicated  feelings about them.  It'll take him a LONG time to allow anyone  to even TOUCH some of them so,  he'll likely want his partner to avoid  touching certain places.  

The surgical scar that begins at the back of Harold’s neck is kind of unavoidable so,  that would be THE FIRST he’d allow a partner to touch.  That scar,  however,  is a long one  that extends past his shoulder blades  &  down to his lower back.  Touching any further down from his neck leaves him with a VERY uncomfortable  &  complicated twisting feeling in his gut  &—–he’d just rather you Didn’t.  Just bellow the base of his skull  &  the base of his spine are impact scars,  his original injuries.  Harold also has a surgical scar at his hip,  which was an attempt to somewhat  alleviate his sciatic nerve pain (  which is the only surgery  he ever even considered that revolved around alleviating pain ) but ... due to rather EXTREME circumstances that occurred within the episode RAM where he was forced  to walk before healing entirely,  it was rendered mostly useless.

A large portion of his POSITIVE VERBAL RESPONSES tends to be shaky breathing,  quiet gasps ( that eventually  turn into something more ragged  & shaky ),  at first.  Harold's not exactly  super outwardly expressive generally so he's not overly loud.  The MOST that comes out are cut off groans,  quiet whines,  hissing through clenched teeth,  &  some exclamations.  He's NOT one to swear,  even during intensely intimate moments—–literally the closest he comes to swearing is exclamations like "oh goodness" ,  "oh god," ,  saying his partners name along with some light praise or sometimes exaggerated playful accusations,  but that's about the extent of it ( & a lot of it he tries to stifle,  to minimize,  out of habit tbh ).  

While there’s a good chunk  of the fandom that believes Harold ACTUALLY swears,  I don’t think so  &  y’all can pry this headcanon out of my cold,  dead hands because it is one of my absolute favorites.

[non-writingwriter]

The Great Plan to Take Lin Xiaoming To The Gay Pride

Hello there! I’m back in the fandom with a little drabble I wrote during Pride month like, last year. And then proceeded to forget all about it until now, when I was looking through my files to do some organising and I found it abandoned in a corner. It’s a cute, silly thing, but I like it and I hope you do too! :)

-

Banba is well aware that the better part of Lin's life hadn't been exactly easy. Or common, by any means.

And yet.

There are things that everyone should do at least once before dying. And seen as likely as it is for a hitman to die any given day, before dying implies well before being twenty-one.

Those things include marching in a Pride - hell, knowing what a Pride is, in the first place.

It takes a while to explain it to him, and even when Banba manages, Lin doesn't seem so enthusiastic.

Banba isn't sure if it's because he hates people or because he doesn't believe him.

At times, Banba wonders how Lin would be now if he knew asexuality was a thing ten years ago, or if he was ever given the time and place to grow up like every child should. He wouldn't probably be the Lin he is now, but he wonders anyway.

Banba also wishes he could give it to him. He can't, clearly, but he can take him to Pride.

Hakata's Gay Pride might not be New York's, but it's not bad for a start.

The morning of the Big Day he still hasn't told Lin anything about The Great Plan to Take Lin Xiaoming To The Gay Pride - which is admittedly a bit of a long title for a plan, so TGTLXTGP for short.

(Everyone they know knows about TGTLXTGP. It was a necessary evil, because he needs Enokida to keep an eye out for any problems and he needs Jirou's face paint, seen as he never thought about buying grey and white.

When he shows up at the bar, Jirou has to physically restrain his daughter from coming home with him to paint Lin's cheeks. He would have let her, had it been someone else - maybe next year they could go together, he says.

It's selfish of him, but he really really wants to be the first - and possibly the only - one to see Lin's eyes when the truth and high of people and music kicks in. He might even laugh.

Banba really really hopes he does. There isn't one single better way to die.)

He comes home a little later than he planned for, so he can't exactly ease Lin into the idea like he had hoped to do.

Instead, he sits him down on the couch, face paint in hand, and he prays Lin won't bite all of his fingers off. 

"We're going to Pride. And I am going to paint your cheeks, because I'll be damned if you don't get the full experience, Lin-chan." he says, going for cheerful in the hopes Lin will be too blindsided by the sudden attack to answer it with one of his own.

He only looks confused, though. Well, angry-confused, which is how Lin looks a great deal of the time anyway.

"That's completely idiotic. Why should you paint me?" he asks, a frown firmly in place on his face and weariness in his eyes.

Banba tries to smile bigger, and it's not too hard. It's oh so delightful to be the one that gets to cross this bridge with him.

"It's to show you're part of a group, Lin-chan. If you're really against it I won't push it, but I thought it could be nice for you to wear the asexual colours?" and he can see Lin frown, confused. He doesn't question him further, probably deeming it useless to ask where these supposed colours come from or something along those lines.

He nods, quickly, when Banba questioningly raises the palette again, and that's enough.

(He does quite a good job, the colours blending nicely together without being a shapeless mess. The unique grey of his eyes is almost the same as the one on his skin, and Banba stares at his face a hell of a lot of time more than recommended, but he can't exactly help himself.

He startles when Lin glares at him, making it obvious he's been spacing out for a while.

The glare almost completely disappears when he smiles, offering him the paint.

"Care to help me, Lin-chan?" he asks, beaming when he nods again, curiosity in his expression.)

Banba can sense Lin's nervousness when they finally join the parade, laughter and loud music echoing in the square where they're regrouping before starting to walk.

He lets his right hand relax, maybe a little too close to Lin's side than strictly necessary, just in case. He's actually surprised when Lin takes it, squeezing it forcefully and pretending not to.

He's not looking at him, assessing his surroundings with that angry-confused expression on that Banba finds so familiar and that is probably scaring off half of the people that would like to talk to them.

(Banba is sure there is at least someone, because Hakata's community is small and Lin's face is new and this is the first year he's not with Jirou. Rumours have probably already started, but he only grips Lin's hand more strongly, trying to be reassuring.)

Lin tenses up when someone - judging by the flag she's carrying around, she's with the ace/aro group, which makes sense - gets close to them despite his murderous glances.

The girl seems friendly enough, innocuous - suddenly shy under their joint scrutiny.

"Hello!" she begins, too loud even though the music is still louder. Lin frowns - he frowns more -and she awkwardly waves at them, still smiling hesitantly. She talks directly to him, looking towards Banba sometimes like she's making sure she's not bothering, because Lin surely is looking at her like she is. "I just noticed the flag on your face, you know. I wanted to ask if maybe you wanted to join us for the parade?" she keeps going, and then, quickly, when she notices the way Lin is clinging to his side, "You both, of course."

(At that, Banba sees out of the corner of his eye the way Lin's free hand relaxes a little, falling further away from the knife strapped to his thigh.

Instincts are hard to eradicate, but he's an optimist. A couple of years of this, and he might at least agree to wear something else, maybe hide the knife in his boot.

Oh, wouldn't it be nice to see him wearing boots. He makes a mental note for himself, in case the possibility to ask ever presents itself.)

They end up marching almost the whole thing next to the group. Lin is stiff, at first - almost timid, in a way Banba never thought he would be.

(But is it weird, in the end?

He thinks about things confessed in the dead of night, whispered - sometimes only wrenched words.

Fear. Alone. Freak. The only one. Machine. Wrong. Freak, freak, freak.

He knows how that was the worst possible thing to be, in his situation.

He will never know how it must feel to know he's not alone at all.)

He lets his hair down quickly enough, once he decides nobody is trying to kill them and he hasn't tried to kill anybody. He still scowls, still frowns, still looks kind of angry - but there's something, in his eyes, while he listens to stories and shared experiences and things Banba will never be able to understand, or to explain to him.

He listens, and when he glances up at him - when they're almost done, music getting louder and colours brighter, laughter resounding in the air like silver bells - Banba sees the wonder, innocent and wide-eyed and beautiful, just for a moment.

He doesn't laugh, but he does something even better.

Honestly, Banba can't recall a time when being kissed within an inch of his life felt as good.

[fatherofmachine]

PERSONAL BLOGS,  PLEASE DO NOT REBLOG !!

I've learned some interesting things  about Harold these last few months,  things regarding INTIMACY that I'd really like to share / write down.  This piece of him has gone through quite a lot  of METAMORPHOSIS since I started writing him 4 years ago &  there's a lot  of ways I portrayed it in the past that honestly make me CRINGE a little now tbh.  Harold is grey-aro-ace ( greyasexual  &  greyromantic )  & admittedly,  when I started,  there were a lot  of things I DIDN’T KNOW,  a lot of things I didn’t look deep enough into until someone smacked me in the face to do so ( which I am IMMENSELY grateful for,  especially since it helped me discover that these identities apply to myself as well  ).  SO,  this is hopefully the last rendition  &  this part of Harold will be written the way I feel it should be.  This ALSO includes some amendments  to the details about Harold’s scars (  which will also be UPDATED in his bio )  &  how he feels about them.  I might also add scar details to the post I made about his injuries.

I'm putting it under a READ MORE so that those who are interested can read,  but those who aren't  can easily scroll past.  

     Some of this is NSFW so please proceed with caution.

When it comes to PHYSICAL INTIMACY,  Harold does most things slowly,    but very thoroughly.  Kisses,  for example,  are slow, achingly sweet  but VERY THOROUGH  & intense.  He's curious,  responsive,  explorative,  he likes to savor  the experience  &  he's not one for rushing or being in a hurry.  He's initially inclined toward LEADING,  especially  because if he's kissing anybody,  he's confident in his desire to do so ( while also assuming he's receiving positive signs from his partner ).  Not to say he wouldn't let his partner lead,  if that's what they wanted  &  there's enough trust there ( he's gotta trust A LOT for any kissing to happen anyway ),  he would ABSOLUTELY follow if his partner wanted to do that,  assuming he’d be comfortable with where things are going.

Harold’s scars from the FERRY INCIDENT  & from surgery related to that incident,  he has ... complicated  feelings about them.  It'll take him a LONG time to allow anyone to even TOUCH some of them so,  he'll likely want his partner to avoid touching certain places.  

The surgical scar that begins at the back of Harold’s neck is kind of unavoidable so,  that would be THE FIRST he’d allow a partner to touch.  That scar,  however,  is a long one  that extends past his shoulder blades  &  down to his lower back.  Touching any further down from his neck leaves him with a VERY uncomfortable  &  complicated twisting feeling in his gut  &—–he’d just rather you Didn’t.  Just bellow the base of his skull  & the base of his spine are impact scars,  his original injuries.  Harold also has a surgical scar at his hip,  which was an attempt to somewhat  alleviate his sciatic nerve pain (  which is the only surgery  he ever even considered that revolved around alleviating pain ) but ... due to rather EXTREME circumstances that occurred within the episode RAM where he was forced  to walk before healing entirely,  it was rendered mostly useless.

A large portion of his POSITIVE VERBAL RESPONSES tends to be shaky breathing,  quiet gasps ( that eventually turn into something more ragged  & shaky ),  at first.  Harold's not exactly super outwardly expressive generally so he's not overly loud.  The MOST that comes out are cut off groans,  quiet whines,  hissing through clenched teeth,  & some exclamations.  He's NOT one to swear,  even during intensely intimate moments—–literally the closest he comes to swearing is exclamations like "oh god," ,  saying his partners name along with some light praise or sometimes exaggerated playful accusations,  but that's about the extent of it ( & a lot of it he tries to stifle,  to minimize,  out of habit tbh ).  

While there’s a good chunk  of the fandom that believes Harold ACTUALLY swears,  I don’t think so  &  y’all can pry this headcanon out of my cold,  dead hands because it is one of my absolute favorites.

[void-tiger]

Writer Nonnie and YOOO. Ok so apparently asexuality was recognized in the 1890s(under a slightly different name) so what if like... Our Sunshine boy Victor Belmont was ace? People bug him about dating and marriage and kids and he's sitting here like "???" Alucard respects it, even when "but the bloodline!" gets brought up.

Yooooo with my “ace agenda” I am totally on board with an ace OC (‘specially since...nil mainstream media rep, and asexuality in fanon is typically “obsessed with dragons and cake” as a subset of aroace. Like. You guys. Other aces exist. Hell. Other brands of aroaces exist! Even without the spectrum of grey and demi aros (and grey and demi aces))

Also that’s completely awesome!! (Send me the link? ‘Cause I am genuinely fascinated. Of course we’ve always existed, but the discourse about it is a...EEP.)

But like. With “but the bloodline!!” as a (admittedly valid...) argument? Alucard could pull out Dear Old Dad’s And Mum’s old scientific (and alchemic, and hell; actual honest to god magic) to just clone the guy an heir.

Or, sex-neutral or even sex-favorable Victor.

Don’t be afraid to explore the different spectrums of asexuality—(which also have their own spectrums which...kinda fractal. Why so many aces use that “Is This A __” meme template. Or joke about it among ourselves xD)—and what puzzle-pieces back best into your story and character

(Also, since many of my mutuals also identify as ace—I swear we attract eachother!—feel free to jump in with your own input!)

[fuzziekins]

6. What made you realize your current labels fit you?

if it’s ok i’m gonna combine this with question 10, which is when did you realize you weren’t cishet, since when i think about it i usually group the two ideas together. And because it’s a long story and i have no idea how the hell to shorten it i’ll have it under the cut.

So my current label i use is demi-whatromantic asexual [with a slight aesthetic preference toward females]. I include the aesthetic attraction in brackets because sometimes i use it and sometimes i don’t, and maybe that’s because my label in general makes attraction confusing to me or because i’m just plain obsessed with Elsa from Frozen. But because that’s a lot to explain, i usually just say i’m ace or queer. Even if people still don’t know or understand asexuality, sometimes saying i’m queer is just enough to get the point across without needing to go into a needlessly detailed explanation. And while i know everyone has their own personal feelings about queer, as a label or as a word, i like the inclusivity of it. It’s enough for people to know i’m not straight, but it also leaves the door open if people want to know more. There was no specific moment that made me realize queer can fit my just as much as demi-whatromantic asexual; just the occasional tagged queer content on tumblr and the reassurance of some posts that the community has reclaimed the word and whatever each individual’s relationship or feelings are to that word, it’s perfectly ok and valid. I’m allowed to use that word for myself if i see fit. The rest of my label is slightly different.

I figured out first that i was asexual. Except i didn’t realize it until maybe 6 or 7 years after first even seeing the word. I saw it for the first time here on tumblr with the most basic description and i just thought, ‘ok that sounds like it could be me.’ But ultimately i decided it was a problem for future me because i had school to worry about. And even after that it took some times to realize that’s what specifically fit me. And i can’t just say that i had this light bulb moment where i looked up more details about asexuality and knew it was right for me, because that feels like it negates all the steps it took to get there.

After my dad passed, art became a sore topic for me to the point where i couldn’t even enjoy it for myself. But being a creative person, i had to do something. So i put my focus into writing, specifically roleplaying, which is something i hadn’t done since college. And honestly, i wish it didn’t take that to make it the first step because i know had i been able to realize any of this sooner and gotten the chance to tell my dad, he would have been more than accepting and i really hate that’s a moment i missed out with him. Anyway, i happened on a roleplay group kind of my accident but it gave me the chance to not only revisit a couple of OC’s i created back in high school, but also create new ones. The first LGBT+ one didn’t come around for me until a year later; before then the characters i made were straight because i didn’t think much or know better. But the more i roleplayed with these characters, the more i got to explore. When i created more characters i really got to think, ok does this person have a preference?; can i imagine this character eventually in a relationship?; is it ok i just automatically think this character is a lesbian? And the first thing with that, that really hit me, was with the first OC i ever created. My online friend and i were plotting, trying to figure out which of our characters might be friends. And she had just created one similar to one of my characters. Another online friend, he shared a birthday website as kind of a joke and kind of inspiration to help with relations; there was a date compatibility thing or something on the site. It turned out to be funny because some of the characters with pre-existing relations based on that were totally accurate and others were way off. But with two specific characters my friend and i were looking at, the site said they’d make a great couple. And at that time, that particular OC of mine had gone from being hetero to simply open-minded, since she never thought of relationships before and i never particularly saw one for her. But as soon as we read that, it clicked. And not only did the plots and inspiration start coming, but it led to so much character development for my OC. A character i created in high school to basically be a one-dimensional bookworm who was now not only questioning her newfound friendship but her sexuality. And as i wrote her discovering that, i noticed i was putting some of my own tendencies into her - her awkwardness and the way she reacted to certain topics, for example. My friend commented my character was probably ace in addition to realizing she was a lesbian. I didn’t think much of it then, but that was kind of the first piece.

The second piece came in the form of the show The Bold Type. Admittedly the show hasn’t been as good since its first season, but that’s beside the point. But from the first episode we’re introduced to this one character, Kat, and in her interactions with another character you could feel the chemistry between them. And part of her arc for that first season was coming to terms with her feelings for that woman and realizing she wasn’t straight. And for me, someone who was only a few years older than her 20something year old character, that was something i didn’t know i needed to see. I’m naive, childlike, and oblivious. Even if i had known anyone who wasn’t straight up until then, i wouldn’t have noticed or asked anything. But seeing that on screen, someone in my age group who actually didn’t know who she was and was starting to figure something out about herself, it gave me permission to question. Even if that question was, why the hell am i enjoying this so much?

But what really did it for me was the show Andi Mack on Disney Channel. It was one of the few shows i actually enjoyed at the current time on Disney Channel, even though by all accounts i should’ve been done with all that ages ago [except i’m a disnerd]. And after the first season ended and season two was rapidly approaching, the big question and anticipation was in the form of a character’s coming out. Fans have been picking up that one of the characters may have been gay and were waiting for confirmation. And that confirmation came in the season two premiere. And, if memory serves, there was a reason why it was met with acclaim the way it was. The scene in question involved two characters, Buffy and Cyrus, sitting at the diner. And there was that slow build up, just knowing that Cyrus needed to tell Buffy something. And when she asked if he liked another boy, Jonah, Cyrus nodded sadly and said “I feel weird. Different.” Ultimately, she ended up promising him in the most comforting and encouraging way, “you’ve always been weird. But you’re no different.” 

And for me, even as an adult, hearing those words just made everything click. I had no idea how much it meant to hear that. I always knew i was different from other kids growing up. I was treated different. I knew i was weird. And for the most part, i accepted that. But i didn’t understand what made me so different. At that point, i had the faintest basic knowledge of a few different sexualities courtesy of creating OC’s. Only one of them, at that current point, had identified as ace by choice. And suddenly i looked deeper into the meaning of asexuality. And just about everything about it fit for me. Why i didn’t experience attraction the ‘normal’ why. A potential reason why i never had the powerful urge to date or why i pushed the idea to the side so much. It even explained my childlike nature; i’m a kid at heart, but knowing that a “stereotypical” ace is someone who is naive, childlike, etc, it made sense why that was such a huge factor in my personality. Because i was a stereotypical ace. I told one of my best friends about a month later, and then i think 3 or 4 months after that, i posted on my Instagram about being ace. It’s felt right ever since.

Sometimes i do get specific and say i’m a s-x repulsed ace, because the topic really makes me that uncomfortable. But even if i don’t use it out loud all the time i know, as far as the asexual umbrella goes, that’s exactly specifically what fits me. So since hearing “you’ve always been weird, but you’re no different” and learning the full definition of asexuality, that’s what made me realize that fits me.

As far as my romantic orientation goes, it’s more of a grey area and sometimes i still struggle with it. While i’ve openly identified as asexual officially for two and a half years, i’ve had my romantic label for maybe no more than 6 months. When i read that asexuals can be anything from heteromantic to gay to bi to aro...basically anything...originally it felt like there were so many possibilities open. It made me feel good to know that i could basically be anything. But it also made me terrified because how the hell was i supposed to know? Now that i knew my asexuality basically screwed up my attraction to begin with, i also had to admit that it took a lot for me to get close to people to begin with. And, even more so, since my dad passed, the wall i already had up became bigger and stronger. I felt for a time like i lost a lot of support during that dark period and the last thing i wanted to do was let new people, or anyone in.

The obvious answer was that i was probably, if anything, demiromantic. Because if it took so much for me to open up to actual friends in the first place, to get close with them and develop a friendly bond, how much more time, effort, and energy would it take to get close to someone romantically? I thought about using that label for a little bit, but it didn’t fit. And, as someone who feels her emotions so strongly, powerfully, and, to a point, near uncontrollably, i questioned what the hell could be wrong with me that i couldn’t knowingly feel a basic romantic attraction? Aromantic was probably much more accurate, but from what i recall reading online, it’s also perfectly normal for anyone who is aspec to feel broken or like there’s something wrong with them because they’re missing something so “important”. And especially when i already hated so much about myself, finally feeling comfortable with myself about one thing - my asexuality - and knowing that it was right for me and that there wasn’t anything wrong with me about that, the last thing i wanted was to put myself down and feel more shame about who i was. 

I think it was sometime last last year, in 2019, that i first started seeing the word quoiromantic pop up. I think it was on one of the LGBT+ blogs i follow, or maybe an asexual or aromantic specific one. And another word for quoiromantic is whatromantic, since quoi means what. What is romantic attraction? What’s the difference between that, aesthetic attraction, and sexual attraction? What makes someone know they feel that specific attraction? And as someone who naturally asks “what?” or “what’s that?” albeit jokingly, it felt plausible. And it felt like a reasonable explanation for why i really didn’t know anything for sure. Because, even when i tried to think back to when i was in school, did i ever really feel attraction? Was it so faint i didn’t even recognize it? Was i mixing it up with maybe platonic attraction? I had no fricking clue. Simply saying “what” summed it up so simply for me.

I don’t include anything gender related in my label. As far as i know, i’m cis. My body is female and, to my knowledge, i’m comfortable enough that i don’t think i need to identify as anything else, save for really not being comfortable in dresses or heels. But if someone called me dude instead? I don’t care. I use dude as a term for everyone regardless of gender (unless someone tells me otherwise for the sake of their personal comfort). My gender doesn’t feel like something that needs to be changed or defined, unlike my sexual and romantic orientations.

When i saw my whole label together, i think about it, and i connect all the dots, it makes sense for me. Sure, i could simply say whatromantic asexual and leave it at that. But whether it’s platonically or maybe it really does have the faintest connection to romantic attraction and it’s so faint and confusing i wouldn’t know it if it slapped me across the face, keeping demi felt right. Quoi- or whatromantic, to my current still-baby LGBT+ knowledge, is generally seen as a microlabel. It’s something under the aromantic umbrella that is so super specific that a lot of people wouldn’t understand why it needs to exist. It exists to bring a sense of comfort. And that’s exactly what it does for me. It’s the main romantic label for me while demi serves as the microlabel. And ultimately, as someone who has the overwhelming need to always explain themself, i want to have a label that encompasses everything. Even if i don’t always explain my identity or simply say i’m queer, i want to know the details for my sake. 

And i think ultimately, the more i say it to myself in my head, and think of all the ways i may have to explain it to people, the more i know it fits me.