#adhd isn’t just being ‘lazy’ and ‘unfocused’

[sodacowboy]

y’all please look at this ad youtube gave me

[despazito]

like i have such conflicting feelings about the pathologizing of mental illness nowadays and the culture it creates. i think the need to have ones dx, at least in my case, was driven by a fundamental urge for validation that what i’m feeling isn't just a phase or something that will sort itself out. i think women especially have had our pain and struggles so minimized, i had lows wishing i just had a broken leg so others could at least see my pain. i clung to my dx and feet like waving it to the world shouting its not just in my head!! i’m not just lazy!!

in some ways getting the dx is like getting a pedigree for your fucked up brain. like this isnt some backyard bred tiktok adhd, this is PUREBRED adhd with the papers to prove it!!! all these women like myself who were looking for a voice and affirmation through dx to prove they “aren’t just one of those girls who’s too sensitive and googled their symptoms”, but now that’s also created its own trope of “overdiagnosed girl in her 20s” and there’s a whole new stereotype to mock and invalidate. there’s just no winning, it really feels like our pain will never get taken seriously by society to matter which route we take to get heard we are dismissed.

but of course these slips of paper become vital if you need any assistance or accommodations, so they are incredibly beneficial to have.

my issue is the more i reflect, the more i do feel like many emotional disturbances or brain funkiness ESPECIALLY depression and anxiety are the result of, or at least become more aggravated, by unluckiness in your childhood relationships and the narrative we created about it. turns out you don’t need to be textbook abused to have adverse experiences, and a failure to have a healthy secure relationship to your primary caregiver fucks with you for life but nobody wants to talk about that. i do think we live in a society here in canada where parental rights to parent how their want is overstepping on the child’s right to have the healthiest possible environment to be raised in. i had spent years reading about the lifelong effects of parental deprivation or bad socialization in dogs and parrots before reading about it in humans, and i think we forget how much humans are also animals.

but the thing is you can work on relationships, you can begin to process trauma. when i tell myself “i’m a person with anxiety” it feels really loaded with a sense of finality that i will always live this way.. the more i use that language the more futile it feels about ever improving, when so often depression and anxiety are the result of deeper unresolved issues. I see so many people with phobias or fears resign to living painful lives than trying to work on any exposure or processing their fears. i’d still be miserable if i never worked through my intense fears of intimacy, i was perfectly resigned to a life of being alone and thought i was content with that.

turns out growing up with trauma can cause the same unfocused and disorganized presentation as clinical adhd.i’ll admit i didn’t like learning that one, as adhd already has so many deniers my kneejerk response was anger at my adhd being invalidated. but i think a lot of adhd people fall somewhere in between that venn diagram, and rejecting a traumagenic theory for some people’s symptoms means they will be prescribed the wrong treatment plan. and this is why all treatment plans put emphasis on talk therapy just as much as pharmacological intervention.

obviously some things aren’t the result of your childhood! your mom yelling at you doesn’t cause autism, but chances are if you’re autistic and had cruddy support you’ll face more adversities and mental health struggles than a good supportive environment. similarly, you could’ve grown up with all the love and support to thrive but one day your thyroid decides it’s time to make you feel like roadkill.

idk, what i’m trying to say is don’t corner yourself or resign from living life because of your mental health dx or think that you’ll never get better because you “have” this, chances are there’s always room to feel better. the most hurtful thing is our inner voice if it’s internalized negative language, and there’s exercises you can practice to drill more positive or at least neutral nonjudgemental language into your inner critic. because even if you have something that will never be cured, the way we talk to ourselves about it is a variable we have some power over.

the narrative part experiencing trauma is uniquely human. some people will experience horrible things and internalize the negativity or self blame, but resilient people have better prognosis because they have ability to frame things in a narrative that don’t assign self blame, and critiques the behaviour instead of the self. because so many complications and struggles arise out of kicking ourselves when we’re down. but the thing is this usually can’t happen on its own, we need to see this modeled by the people around us. but thankfully if we missed the boat, we CAN retrain that voice

anyway that’s my musings from my perspective. for anyone curious here’s a lecture that really resonated with me, its got some hard hitting truths i didn’t want to hear but sometimes you gotta hear things that make you uncomfortable

[volcanokids]

All mental disorders are demonized and misunderstood but...i feel like adhd is misunderstood in a special kind of way. Even people with anxiety depression etc who can clearly understand and express why their mental illness causes them to do the things they do, and that there’s complexities behind it and it’s the root of all kinds of negative behaviors and habits...it seems so hard for even them, and people you would think understand you, to understand adhd and why you do the things you do. I understand that it is complicated. It seems over-diagnosed in children and under-diagnosed in adults. It manifests in a lot of weird ways that arent the cookie cutter “hyperactive unfocused bad at school child” archetype and people dont know what to make of that. Maybe I’m just angry at the propect of being so constantly misunderstood, and being so lost for all of my teenage years, but it can really genuinely suck and no one talks about it or really seems to care. It seems like it’s seen as it’s own category of “not so serious mental illness” so people can just shit on you when you start showing symptoms. They tell you they know you’re not lazy but they secretly still think you are. Adhd is a lot more than just not being able to focus sometimes. Its years and years and years of memory problems that cause people to lose patience with you. It’s having the energy to do great things but not the mental capacity. It’s not having the focus or drive to be able to dedicate 2 minutes to brush your teeth. It’s academic failure and a constant barrage of teachers and parents asking what’s wrong with you and never actually wanting to help you. It’s not being able to answer them because you have trouble regulating emotions and are unaware of what’s going on in your own head half the time. It’s being so afriad of rejection that you let life happen to you instead of living it. It’s watching the people around you succeed and wondering why you always fail. It’s wondering what the fuck could be so wrong with you that you see someone successfully turning in an assignment on time as a huge victory that you could never ever achieve for yourself. It’s an endless cycle of “I don’t know why I did that, I don’t know what I’m thinking, i dont know i dont know i dont know.” It’s losing something important every single day. Its dissociation all the time. It’s not having the mental energy to be able to get dressed until 5 pm. It’s taking an hour for a 10 minute task because your brain is so cloudy and distracted all the time. It’s not eating for 5 hours when you’re starving because of some unseen force not letting you dedicate any amount of focus into making yourself food. It’s stimming in ways that cause you harm. It’s constant sensory overload. It’s having a mind with a huge capacity to learn that works against you in every way it can on your way to learning. It’s feeling trapped by a brain that that seems to have such high hopes and faith in your abilty but only allows you to fail. It seeps into every crevice of your life, effects your thinking, your relationships, your behavior, just like depression or anxiety, but still isn’t taken seriously or seen as a cause, but as an excuse to repeat the same “lazy” behaviors intentionally. My mind and body are a trap to my desires. Nothing feels worse than having huge ideas and dreams and not ever being able to fully realize them. Adhd is in every action every day of my life and has been a huge internal struggle for me that’s manifested into anxiety and depression and almost cost me my fucking life and still nobody thinks it’s as serious as it is. It’s made me who i am but it’s cost me more than I can express.

[careforselfs]

Tips that changed my young life

Part  1 (one)

 As a kid with ADHD, sleep deprivation and a severe case of laziness, at one time in my life I had stressed myself out to the point where suicide was looking like a viable option. No young person should have to feel that way, especially if it’s because of preventable habits. Around the start of high school my time was spent being unproductive and feeling miserable. I had no motivation to get any work done, I was tired 24/7 but I hardly got any sleep, I was grumpy and depressed and unfocused, and my social life was suffering. Although these are still problems that I (and everyone on this planet) face, I’ve gotten a lot better at handling myself and I’ve stopped putting up with my own bullshit. Although not all of these tips are going to help/are practical for everyone, hopefully some tired and sickly kid like me will find this list and feel a lil more inspired to get the most out of life. 

1. Self-care isn’t what you think it is:

A few years back my idea of self-care was so skewed that my habits ended up doing more harm than good. Whenever I felt bad, I’d usually curl up in a blanket, watch some netflix or scroll tumblr, wallow in self-pity, and eventually fall asleep. While admittedly that is something we can all benefit from every once in a while, when that becomes a daily ritual is when it becomes counter-productive. Self-care is supposed to make you feel good; not only in the moment but in the long run too. Blanket pity cave feels great at the time, but when you finally emerge into the light you find that you’ve wasted time, you still feel sleepy, and nothing has been achieved. But what else could self-care possibly be?!?! you may ask. Well I hate to be the one to say it, but sometimes self-care is doing the last thing that you feel like doing. If you’re feeling tired and sad, often the best remedy is to go for a quick walk around the block. If you knew me at all, you would know that walks are not something I very much enjoy. Especially when I feel like curling up into a sleep-ball, exercise is the last thing I want, but the first thing I need. And I always end up feeling better in the end. And exercise isn’t the only form of self-care! It’s getting a glass of water even when you’re too tired to get up from the bed. Its doing your god-damn homework even when you’re so fucking sick of calculus oh my god I can’t even bare to look at it. Just do it. Even for, like, 10 minutes. Then take a break. It doesn’t seem like much but you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment and therefore feel more motivated. Please, just take this from me. Two years ago I would have laughed in your face if you had suggested this to me “I can’t do homework if I don’t feel like I can do it! Are you crazy? That's not how ADHD works!” Well suck it up kid. You gotta take care of yourself. Think long term!

2. Just ask for help:

I like to be independant. I like doing things by myself, without help, because that's what smart people do right? Wrooong. Nobody is born with the innate understanding of how to do everything. It’s a waste of time if you’re trying to get stuff done but you’re stuck because you don’t understand something, and instead of asking a simple question you stubbornly sit in your chair for hours wracking your brain for the answers when you know in your heart they aren’t there. Asking for help can be embarrassing, especially when you think the question is stupid or you think you should be able to do something by yourself. But teachers/parents/chaplains/whoever are usually more than happy to answer your questions, and will rarely think badly of you. They need help sometimes too! And help isn’t only for school work. At some point in time you’ll realize that you need mental health help, or physical help, or emotional help. Those aren’t things to be ashamed of. I used to/still have a lot of trouble getting motivated to complete basic tasks. Before I’d just sit on my ass and wait for the motivation to come naturally, but it never would. Finally I realized that if I simply asked my mom to help me (set a timer, check up on me, go through things step-by-step) I could... actually accomplish stuff. And yes, asking for help, especially for simple and “easy” tasks, is anxiety inducing. Sometimes I felt like a child, incapable and useless. But if you get help straight away, then you learn how to be independant sooner rather than later, and you’ll need less and less help. There’s really no shame in it. Everyone needs help at some point in their life. Everyone. 

3. Identify and treat any underlying health problems you may have:

I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade four, but it didn’t start to affect my life until high school. The second semester of grade ten I noticed my marks dropping an unusual amount, and I was struggling to stay motivated. I was tired, disoriented, grumpy, all the things I’ve listed above. Finally my mom took me to see my old psychiatrist, and she put me on medication. It took a very long time to find a combination of pills and coping strategies that worked for me, but now I find I’m able to cope a lot better. And I know that I’m not just lazy, or dumb, or useless. My brain is wired differently from the norm and I’m not able to function well in the environment that modern society has created. And now that I know that I’m able to adapt. And mental health problems aren’t the only health problems that can affect your outlook on life. For a long time after I had settled on the right meds, I was still feeling tired and hazy. I was weak and pale, had absolutely no strength or energy, and fell asleep so uncontrollably that I started to wonder whether I was narcoleptic. After a blood test to check if I could start new medication, it was discovered that my iron levels were non-existent. All my symptoms were symptoms of low iron. It was such a simple and common health problem, but it had gone undiagnosed for so long that it had started to severely affect my life. I started supplements and added iron-rich foods to my diet, and two years later I’m a completely different person. I can go for hikes. I can wake up early and not feel tired. I have the energy to do whatever I put my mind to, and even my thinking is clearer. Don’t just chalk up all your problems to “I, as a person, just suck.” Sometimes, our “quirks” or “faults” are actually symptoms. 

4. Love unconditionally: 

This tip doesn’t focus on you, but your perception of others. My whole life I’d been in a toxic friendship. My best friend didn’t treat me or others well, but she was all I’d known and therefore I didn’t know any better. She was extremely quick to judge others, on their clothes, hair, and personality. If someone did something she didn’t like, no matter how small, she’d cut them off completely. After a while I learned to think and act the same way, and eventually, to our surprise, we ended up with no friends but each other. I just thought that people were mean. That I was better than them. I understood how the world worked and everyone else was immature, and not worth my time. Unconsciously I ended up judging people by their flaws. I’d disregard all their good traits, their kindness, their loyalty; I’d look through all of that to see only their faults. And nobody is perfect, so I had no friends! My “friend” had even higher standards than I did, so naturally I was cast aside after 10 years of loyal friendship. I was shook, to say the least, and I started to reevaluate how I viewed people. All along I’d obviously known that everyone makes mistakes, you should love people with their flaws, blah blah blah, but I actually started to put that mindset into practice. And I discovered a world full of beautiful, beautiful people. I began to realize that if a friend did or said something I didn’t like, I could still be friends with them. We didn’t have to agree. Sometimes people say or do stupid things. Sometimes people have outbursts, take all their anger out on you. Sometimes they can be unkind or unloyal or untrustworthy. But those things don’t define them. For all their flaws, they have 100 more beautiful traits. You shouldn’t let their problems outshine who they really are. And that’s what I’d been doing! I missed out on so many wonderful friendships because I couldn’t get over the fact that sometimes people aren’t 100% awesome. They can make mistakes and it’s alright! Sometimes they even make big mistakes! And that’s alright too! You can work past them together. I find that when someone is shown unconditional love, instead of taking advantage of you like you might think they would, they tend to become more appreciative of your friendship, and become a more confidant person. But it’s important to remember that it’s also ok to cut toxic people out of your life. Sometimes, for no reason at all, you won’t get along with someone. Your personalities just don’t mesh, or some of their traits just rub you the wrong way. You’re not obligated to be friends with everybody. You don’t have to hate these people, remember they have good things inside them as well, but you also don’t have to devote any of your time to them. It’s also important to remember that some mistakes are just unforgivable. It doesn’t matter what it is, but if someone does something that affects you so much that you don’t know if you could handle keeping them in your life, it’s ok to let them go. You can’t say “it’s fine whatever” when in reality you’re going to suffer. Sometimes, people’s negative traits can outshine their positives in your life. They might not be a bad person, but they can be a bad person for you. All in all, I find that it’s easier to just accept people. I have sooo many more friends now. I’ve been exposed to different types of thinking and different ways of being, and I’ve only become a better person because of it. 

[stick-arms]

From one fidget to another, can I just say..

I am a grown ass adult who was called "a fidget" all my life. I am incapable of sitting still without intensely concentrating. I'm always picking at something, doodling, adjusting my position, etc. This developed into pulling out my hair when I was little, and into vicious skin-picking in adolescence. I still don't have complete control over it and when I can't fidget with something else, my hands inevitably attack myself. Adults and people with control and authority over me, all my damn life, have accused me of being lazy and unfocused and unmotivated. I can hear my grandmother's voice in my mind, and my mother's voice too, "you're such a fidget." And now these fidget toys/tools are a thing. They're in schools. People are talking about stim aids and ADHD and autism and I just.. I'm so fucking glad. For every snide "precious snowflake" comment people want to throw at kids these days, I am overjoyed that someone isn't growing up like me. Accused, blamed, abused and ultimately self-harming daily when maybe... we'll. I'm not going to say a fidget cube or spinner would have saved me. I have no way to know. But I am happy that kids are being seen differently, and potentially better, than they used to be. If one kid is recognized as needing the help instead of being demonized for being distracted, then hell yes fidget spinners. Thank you, fidget toys. I'm gonna buy myself a fidget cube right now and see if it helps me focus when I'm working.

[sweet-popplio]

So I’ve been sort of  I guess... upsetting myself over whether I actually have ADD for a long time. Ever since my therapist told me it was extremely likely (She’s been my therapist for over 2 years now), I’ve actually looked into it. But when i mention it to people, all they mention is “EVERYONE does that. EVERYONE is a little ADD”

So I just brushed it off. I mean I only have my own frame of reference for “normal” so if others tell me it’s normal then maybe it is? I would look at blogs on here but all of them would state that unless you were diagnosed when you were younger, then it isn’t possible.

So I just thought “well that is that I guess.”

But I brought it up with my therapist today (she specializes in ADHD/ADD) and she told me that after hearing me talk about how I lack focus and how I get constantly overwhelmed just THINKING that there is no doubt about it.

She told me that just because I wasn’t diagnosed as a kid doesn’t mean I don’t have ADD. She said many kids develop great coping mechanisms that make symptoms invisible to others. It was likely the case with me since I didn’t share the hyperactive symptom so I wasn’t as visible.

And she says to an extent, people can be unfocused sometimes, especially in times of stress. But told me that since it’s not JUST when I’m stressed and is happening all the time, slowing me down from completing tasks and causing me to be completely overwhelmed that it is not “normal” so in my case it would be ADD.

I know she offers to put me on neurofeedback which I know if done consistently for a long time, really DOES help. But we are not consistent with it. Sometimes I come into a session with a lot of heavy stuff to talk about and have no time to sit and do the neurofeedback. So skipping a week really puts a dent in progress.

I wish it was something I could do at home, then I feel i could be more consistent with it? I almost wish I could ask about medication to help with it but I’m already taking a lot of different things and I hate taking pills as is. I also don’t want to seem like I’m just... idk... a pill addict? Like as if I just want pills for everything? Which isn’t the case at all, I mean I’m glad that what I take helps me out a lot in feeling more “normal” but I cannot tell you how many times in the past I have just... quit taking it because I HATE it. I hate taking medication everyday, like I wish I could just feel normal and not have to take it everyday.

I can focus occasionally but the problem is I don’t want to stop when I do. My mind just wants to keep doing it often times keeping me up for hours on end at night. I hate feeling so overwhelmed by everything ALL THE TIME. Like I can hardly get things done because I’m just thinking about everything I need to do and just shut down. And it can be when I’m stressed before a con or even during a rest time. Just the thought of spending a day NOT overwhelmed and being able to filter and think in a line just sounds amazing to me. I feel like I’d get more done and maybe be more motivated since I wouldn’t be shutting down at just the thought of everything. I feel mentally exhausted all the time. I feel it contributes to my exhaustion from the hypothyroidism.

Anyway, I just don’t know what to do, but I wanted to get this off my chest. Because I feel like i’m annoying people with all these “labels” as some people would refer to them to. And just because I wasn’t calling them problems before doesn’t mean they weren’t. I just saw it as my “normal” until now. Kind of like when you go your whole life seeing everything blurry not knowing that you need glasses to see “normally”.

Like until 2 years ago I just thought it was all normal, the anxiety, depression, feeling constantly exhausted, overwhelmed, but then started talking to my therapist and seeing articles online and realizing that it isn’t, and that there are things I can do about it. Finding the terms and being diagnosed is now helping me in combating these things that I’ve just taken for normal all my life. I’m not putting these out there and telling people these to have people see me as a “snowflake” or take pity on me. I mostly just mention it often because I’m relieved and to hopefully gain some understanding from others. Because I know especially with my depression, before my sister knew about it, she gave up talking to me. She saw me as lazy, because I was in bed all day and wouldn’t leave the house. It’s like she didn’t want to associate herself with me. But after explaining “no, I’m not lazy. I’m just dealing with depression which keeps me from functioning” then it’s like she finally started talking to me and actually understood WHY I was acting the way I was. I’m relieved she talks to me again because I love my sister, I love BOTH of my sisters. 

And honestly it hurts anytime someone calls me “lazy” or “stupid” Like it hurts worse than it probably would for most others. Like it’s a fear of mine being seen that way. I remember my dad calling me “lazy” a few years ago and just breaking down into tears it just hurt so badly to be called that. Even just receiving looks from others that might convey them thinking that just makes me want to crawl into a hole and cry.

[mer-birdman]

4.18.17 Sunlight

written april 18th

The inside sun is awake, but the outside sun is asleep and the sun inside of me is dying.

The edges of my eyelids are cold. Damp. Not real tears, because these don't run and they don't burn of salt and terror, they just sit like melting ice and catch on my eyelashes. It's nearly 1:00 A.M. and I should go to sleep, or at least do my homework, but somehow my mind is numb and I lack the will to make myself move. I can always do it tomorrow morning. Breakfast isn't all that important for the most important meal of the day, after all, and it's not like I have time to do much besides eat after the morning classes.

Thank you, Lindsey Stirling, for providing a song to be the anthem of my not-actually-depressed mind (because I talked to someone at the Health & Wellness Center and she didn't say anything about there actually being SOMETHING other than just your average college life stress so obviously that's all it is even though if I still owned the right sort of knife I wouldn't be baring my arms anymore). It's a pity the gentleness of Tai Chi can't reach inside these walls and inside the walls of my mind long enough to stick. It's too warm. It's too cold. But there were no cramps this month, no need for medication, so that's a good thing, right?

Some days, I'm normal, and those are the worst because I realize that I'm just making it all up and it's a farce. I don't have it bad. I don't have anything bad. I'm not depressed, that's ridiculous. I'm clearly just lazy and unfocused, the facts that my father's ADHD wasn't diagnosed until a year ago and that it's a disorder that goes under-diagnosed in people with vaginas and highly intelligent people are just meaningless because nobody's ever said anything so why should I? I don't have the words to say what I really mean, so sometimes I just think I shouldn't talk at all because body language is no better but at least I don't have to listen to how stupid I sound. The orchestral version of Transcendence is my favorite, rather than the original, although that's good too. Neither are as good as Song of the Caged Bird though. Beyond the Veil makes me think of drowning, but maybe that's just the music video speaking.

I should turn out the inside sun and go to sleep. Everything needs to change, though, I need to move this and take off that, and my brain is tired and I just want to shut down. I'm not even in a low mood. Today was a good day. The little bites don't get to me at all. They're my friends, and they're happy, and I'm just being selfish. Don't look for attention you haven't earned. Don't say anything about your art your writing your anything because if it's bad you look like a selfish brat fishing for compliments and if it's good you look like you're full of yourself so you can never win and you should just shut up.

One or two of the suitemates through my wall are talking about something still, right next to my head. If I turn out the lights and lay down, will I be able to sleep? They're no louder than the white noise machine in my parent's room across the hall at the house that's almost home, after all. My roommate hasn't been back all day. I don't know where she is. It doesn't really matter, but this much empty space is strange. I wonder if this is how Harry Potter feels when he first has a room all his own.

I'm even being selfish now. Telling more than's asked for and nobody would even pay half a penny for my thoughts and yet here they are spilling across the screen like pixels that deserved something better. Song of the Caged Bird was my audition song. Too bad I didn't use it in the show itself. I want to show them the yearbooks I kept so they can see more of what it was like, but that's selfish too.

I wonder if I'll see another caterpillar this spring. I should go to bed. Problems can be put off until tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow, after all.

The Arena is pretty great too.