#added a little fic-ish thing at the end as a little treat for myself

[bambooswordwielder]

I think the most likely option would be 3) Going to the Nies and being the most supportive subordinate and accidently wifebeaming Nie Mingjue since its similar enough to Shen Yuan's OG plan of just being a supportive and kind teacher to Luo Binghe in SVSSS (explained in greater detail at the end)

All the rest I have somewhat of an argument for why he wouldn't personally do it, or why he wouldn't be allowed to it.

First off, if the situation is an exact copy of his situation in SVSSS (I.e. he is forced to act like the character until he unlocks OOC while also dealing with Unavoidable Plot Points like Endless Abyss), then a number of options would likely be cut.

The System would likely not allow him to book it to Gusu Lan because of some in character reason like 'Jin Guangyao is filled with the desire to be recognised by his father! He wouldn't want to go to another Sect'

It's for this reason I also personally cut out Rogue Cultivator, because despite Shen Yuan's best hopes and dreams of being free from plot, plot is in an obsessive stalker plot with him and won't leave him alone. The System would bring up JGY's many ambitions and would force Shen Yuan to get involved with plot.

Secondly, I doubt Shen Yuan (especially if this is him only JUST getting transmigrated into JGY's body) would believe himself capable enough to assassinate either WRH or JGS (who we do sadly have to admit is a Sect Leader and likely has a decent enough Golden Core which is further worsened by the amount of bodyguards he likely has)

Then we add on the fact that Meng Yao canonically had a late start to his cultivation then the others and his golden core is weak, Shen Yuan likely wouldn't want to take the risk.

Next, we know there are Unskippable Plot Points the System has in SVSSS (Eg: Endless Abyss), so if we take the same logic and apply to SVSSS and have Wei Wuxian as somewhat of our Luo Binghe stand in for the protagonist, then the Fall of Lotus Pier and WWX's protection of the Wens would be such unskippable events.

Even if SY were to go Lotus Pier, the System would likely give him a heavy penalty for trying to stop the protagonist's unlockal of his powers and the plot.

Then to deal with the others, in Canon Qin Su fell in love with JGY after he saved her and JGY fell in love with her because she never spoke ill of his origins, and while Shen Yuan would likely still save her, I feel like a Second-Generation Rich Kid like Shen Yuan wouldn't be as impacted by Qin Su's kindness (especially with the knowledge that they're Half-Siblings). He may become friends with her and perhaps would actually tell her about their origins with the bullshiting reasoning of 'Oh well while I was looking for who my father was, I discovered an artifact that revealed to me the names of my blood siblings and you showed up 😧!'

For becoming a marriage counsellor for Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan, I feel like there would be little in Canon reason for JFM and YZY to accept help from a bastard child of JGS after said bastard child was publicly humiliated by his own father (then add in the fact YZY is close friends with Madam Jin, and I feel like it would be safer for Shen Yuan to steer clear of Madam Yu for a while)

Wifebeaming the Jianghu is just a staple of Shen Yuan. Without Wifebeaming, is it really Shen Yuan?

For becoming a throuple with Wangxian, I have no argument I wanna see it too 🤷‍♀️

Now for my argument of why I feel like he would go to the Nies and wifebeam become a supportive subordinate of Nie Mingjue. First off, it would line up well enough with the Canon events of JGY being rejected by his father before going on to the Nies, so the System would likely not fight him on this there. Secondly, it matchs Shen Yuan's original plan back in SVSSS of being a supportive Shizun who would never harm his disciples (until the System literally forced him to), the only difference is that instead of a supportive Shizun it's a supportive Subordinate.

Shen Yuan would likely tell Nie Mingjue all about various beasts that could help them in terms of cures, the ones with good fur, which one is venomous and which one is safe. This likely would add on to 'Meng Yao' 's value as a subordinate to Nie Mingjue.

For the betrayal, I like to imagine it would be like LBH's reaction at Endless Abyss, filled with shock, anger, and betrayal from the actions of who they deemed the closest and safest to them in dangerous lands.

When Nie Mingjue sees Shen Yuan/Meng Yao back at Nevernight City, he would be filled with rage at what Meng Yao/Shen Yuan did, but the memories of the betrayal would contrast with the memories of genuine kindness and care he saw in the other.

But in the end Shen Yuan will have to deal with Jin Guangshan's schemes, Xue Yang being Xue Yang, Wei Wuxian's downfall, and Nie Mingjue's Qi Deviations 😔 Shen Yuan my brother you are in for trouble

(Little Fic-Sample idea for funises)

There's two ways it could go.

1) The System forces Shen Yuan to still kill Nie Mingjue

Or

2) It suspiciously allows Shen Yuan to return to Nie Mingjue and not go back to the Lanling Jins who now want to accept him

Let's say it goes with 2, because if it goes 1 then Shen Yuan is just fucked because of Nie Huaisang’s schemes.

One day he's clearing up some paperwork and he shivers a bit. Qinghe is colder this time of year. Shen Yuan continues on, wanting to go back to talking with Nie Huaisang about the latest idiot to call themselves an author, before he is promptly interrupted by a sudden warmth covering his shoulders.

He looks up and stares straight at Nie Mingjue, face expressionless and calm as if he didn't just wrap a blanket around Shen Yuan's shoulders.

"Uh, Nie-Zongzhu?"

"You were cold. Would be undignified for one of our own to die from freezing to death in our own walls."

Shen Yuan nodded with a small smile. That's reasonable enough.

"Many thanks Nie-Zongzhu, this humble Meng Yao thanks you for your care."

Nie Mingjue's eyes widen slightly but he stops Shen Yuan's confused expression by nodding swiftly and walking away before another word can exit his mouth.

...

"Hey, why did I get an achievement for 'Happy Wife, Happy Life'?"

[lotlvision]

Dora 2024 first(ish) listens!

Alen Đuras - "A tamburitza lullaby" I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm always biased against songs in English, but I have to admit that it's pretty catchy - I'm also a big fan of the actual backing. It does feel a little bit more special than a pop song, so I'll give it 7/10

Baby Lasagna - "Rim tim tagi dim" I'm immediately taking back my English bias, this is SO fun. I think the staging will be really important to sell this as a winner, but I can hear the Cha Cha Cha influence so I already adore it. 9.5/10

Barbara Munjas - "Nepobjediva" Not a fan of her vocals... I assume they're a stylistic choice? The song feels like a mishmash of several genres and not in a cohesive way. I mostly zoned out of listening to it, so it's not bad background music if nothing else! 4.5/10

Boris Štok - "Can we talk" I'm not sold on this song. Sad white man singing about a break up without the Taylor Swift pizzazz I like in my breakup songs. Useful lyrics to steal for fic titles, but that's about it. 5/10

Damir Kedžo - "Voljena ženo" Song five and FINALLY some Croatian! That said, it's not my personal preferred style. It's definitely got strong vocals, and with the right staging it could do well. I'm not sure how the Dora votes are split, but if it's 50/50 Jury and Public then it'll do well with Juries! 8/10

Erna - "How do you love me" Immediately back to singing in English... I hate the breathy whisper-singing, and the song itself doesn't really have anything special about it. Sorry Erna, but this is not a song for me. 5/10

ET - "Pametnom dosta" Time for the (apparently) mandatory club song! It doesn't really build or climax the same way similar Eurovision songs have (thinking Lights Out), and it doesn't feel like there's anything particularly special about it. 6/10

Eugen - "Tišine" Not my style again, however I am reaching for my phone to turn the light on and wave my arm slowly back and forth. I think it could do well with Juries, and well with the Public too. It's got a nice build toward the end. 8.5/10

James Night - "Nebo plače" This is definitely just a pop song. The vocals don't seem as strong/polished as some of the others so far, however these are all recorded rather than live, so there's no telling how they'll sound on stage. It's not super special, but it's an earworm and I'm enjoying it. 6.5/10

Lana Mandarić - "More" This song is definitely a builder. I'm not a huge fan of the style, but I can understand the appeal behind it. Staging will really make or break this. 7.5/10

Lara Demarin - "Ne vjerujem ti" I was enjoying myself and then some guy started rapping over Lara's lovely singing. I don't feel like that added anything - more it just detracted from what was a nice song. 6.5/10

Let 3 - "Babaroga" Let 3 are already back! This song isn't anywhere near as good as Mama ŠČ!, and having heard them live the autotune stands out even more than it does just listening. They sound more like dolphins than humans. However, I love the weird shit in Eurovision, so this is right up my street. 8/10

Lu Dedić - "Plavi leptir" This is not my vibe for listening to on a regular basis, however as a standalone song for one night it really could be my winner. With the right staging, lighting, costumes, choreography I could want this to win. It gives me the same vibes as I get during the wedding in Miss Saigon (this is an AMAZING thing, it's so soft and beautiful). 9/10

Marcela - "Gasoline" I do really enjoy this song. It is in English, and it is just a pop song, but the vocals are really strong and the lyrics are very catchy. It might not do well, but it'll be going onto my playlists. 7.5/10

Mario Battifiaca feat. Robert Ferlin - "Vodu piti trizan biti" When a song on eurovisionworld has a 1.5 star rating you're either in for a treat, or you're going to listen to something truly awful. This is just boring, and slow, and the longest 3 minutes of my life. 2/10

Misha - "One day" This song isn't very special. It's a pop song, but without the really upbeat and fun nature of a pop song. It's catchy, but that's about it. 5/10

Natalie Balmix - "Dijamanti" This is a fun song! I think the current rating is maybe a little bit high, but there's a lot of potential and I think it could be a contender with the right staging. For now, 8/10

Noelle - "Baby, baby" It's just a pop song. It's nothing special, there's nothing that makes it a real Eurovision entry, but there's nothing overtly bad about it either. 6/10

Pavel - "Do mjeseca" I am SO upset at the low rating for this. Sure, the vocals aren't the best, but the song has such an ABBA vibe to it! It's so fun! This is the guilty pleasure song of the 2024 NF season, I'm calling it now. 7/10 and everyone giving it less can (affectionately and light-heartedly) go fuck themselves! (My vote on the website took the song from 1.6 stars to 1.8 stars my power omfg)

Saša Lozar - "Ne plačem zbog nje" The song isn't very memorable to me, it doesn't really stand out. The only noteworthy thing I can think of saying is that this guy looks like if Fred from KEiiNO got hit by a car. Which is maybe quite rude but oh well. 5.5/10

Stefany Žužić - "Sretnih dana dat' će Bog" Another fairly unremarkable song. A lot of the songs later in the list online seem to be rated quite lowly. Another 5.5/10

The Splitters - "Od kad te sanjam" I'm quite conflicted about how to rank this song. I feel like, even as I continue to listen to it, it's growing on me and I'm wishing I gave it a higher rating on Twitter than I did - but I've already sent the tweet and submitted my vote. The song is, objectively, not the best, but it makes me feel more than the other pop songs I've rated similarly so I feel like I should've ranked it higher? But it's not that good! Argh! I'm conflicted! 6.75/10

Vatra - "Slatke suze, gorka ljubav" This song is like exactly my taste, however I also recognise it's not objectively the best in this line up and that it's not a Eurovision song in the slightest. I'm going to enjoy it, but I'll give it a hopefully unbiased 6/10

Vinko - "Lying eyes" In the least insulting way possible, this sounds like Lin Manuel Miranda trying to cover a Coldplay song: Fix You specifically. Honestly, the guy even looks like a Coldplay/LMM lovechild. I'm not a fan. 5/10

[wincore]

summertime | wong kunhang

pairing: hendery x reader, side xiaocas

words: 4.5k

genre: childhood friends to lovers!au, first love, hs reunion, practically idiots to lovers, fluff, angst

warnings: none

a/n: warmup-ish fic. i don’t know why it’s so long either. loosely inspired by this. also hendery sweetest boy so i had to write something cute for him !! 

When Wong Kunhang had hit you in the face with a volleyball coated in sand, you knew it was one way or the other with him. You were either going to fall in love with him or hate him for the rest of your life, and nothing in between.

It’s a little more complicated than that, you realize at twenty-one.

The neat asphalt is now a cool grey, not as pretty and dark as it used to be when you were in eighth grade but still clean and maintained. The stone walls on either side are certainly better off, marking the houses of the beachside town your school trip led to every goddamn year. Not that you were complaining, shining blue seawater has always been a favourite sight of yours. Kunhang was just the smiling bonus you held on to.

The road slants uphill till you can see the sunlight shimmering against the vast blue of the ocean across the horizon, dotted with the tops of palm trees and pastel buildings. It’s mostly at this point you realize that Kunhang’s been talking the entire way, and that you should nod along to add to the pretence, that you’re listening to him and not the loud drumming of your heart against your chest.

But Kunhang’s not here today. You don’t even know if he’s coming.

“Hey, (name), are you listening?” Yukhei asks, steadying the surfboard in his arms when you stop. “Are you thinking about Kunhang?”

The tone of his voice is teasing, but it’s as if you’re still thirteen, trying to come to terms with the first crush you’d ever had. Your cheeks grow hot and you scoff at him, snatching your tote bag from his arms and striding faster down the road. Kunhang can come, not come���you don’t care. For all you know, he’s enjoying his new life out there, as curious and fun-seeking as he is—was. He might even have found himself a lover, you realize as the bitter taste grows on your tongue.

Kunhang has always been special. Summer after summer, he’s only grown better at that.

Your parallel lines started growing distant somewhere in the first year of college. The daily facetime calls to describe the baffling wonders of adulthood slowly turned into weekly phone calls about the strain of assignments and projects and eventually, into faded texts you still look over on your phone. He’s just a friend, so you shouldn’t be expecting any more, right? It’s only ordinary that friends will grow apart. The city downpour that was slowly erasing his voice made you long for summer even more.

When you were twelve, Wong Kunhang had hit you in the face with a volleyball at the beach you always visited as part of the school trip. Somehow, with his weird sense and cutting enthusiasm, he’d offered the corner of his shirt to rub the sand off your face instead of a towel he’d find lying just about anywhere at the beach. (“The towels were definitely covered in sand! There’s no way beach towels aren’t sandy.”) And somehow, with your poor foresight, you’d felt an audible thump in your ribcage, the kind that only comes once. It was fitting, almost.

When you were thirteen, the thump grew into an entire orchestra. They settled in before you knew, and you realized you could neither accept them nor reject them. You suddenly couldn’t comprehend sitting beside him in class without nervously bouncing your legs, or laughing a little less enthusiastically at his jokes. You felt the turbulence of your pulse every time your hands touched as he passed you an eraser or a pen, or when his face split into a grin at you struggling to unscrew the bottle cap—it’s almost as if it were the end of the world whenever he breathed near you. You were painfully honest, so easy to see through and even Yukhei caught on to the fact that you had a thing for the weird yet lovable kid and his ridiculous smile. Kunhang, however, was probably in need of prescription glasses. 

When you were sixteen, Kunhang learned how to play the drums and if anything, it made the heat bloom in your cheeks even faster. When you saw him play at the summer festival before the school trip, you wanted to stay there forever, just watch him do what he loves. Focused in the way he breathed and looking incredibly handsome for a stupid crush, you’d wanted to tell him then and there. 

You’d made up your mind, or at least part of it, that this summer trip wouldn’t go to waste. Even the short-lived love of a young boy, you wanted to see it reflected in his eyes. That summer, just like every school trip, Kunhang had passed a volleyball to you in the outline of an inside joke that doesn’t get old; and you’d swallowed harshly, choking suddenly only for him to rub his hand over your back in the same gentle manner he did most everything.

When you think about it, you can’t seem to get over how much of an idiot you were back then. Kunhang was almost an even bigger one.

“I wish I’d get better at the drums quickly,” he’d said beside the campfire, tapping his foot impatiently. 

It was only the two of you immersed in the night and if that weren’t reason enough for your incoherent thoughts, his knee was touching yours in a way oblivious to him—and the look of complete serenity over his face made you rethink your confession.

“You’re already good enough,” you huffed in disbelief.

“I can play two, er, three songs!” His voice was enthusiastic in the beginning but it hummed out to a mellow ending. He’d added in a determined whisper, “I need to practise so I don’t embarrass myself.”

Before you knew it, you’d let out a short laugh. Wong Kunhang, afraid of embarrassment? It was almost unheard of. You’d never met anyone so open before, so happy to share even the rougher, less tangible parts of himself.

Kunhang only gazed at you wordlessly, and when you met his eyes, the butterflies were let out of the cage in your stomach again. You wanted to lean in a little, kiss him right then and there, the image itself slowly curling around your head in haunting wisps as if something taboo. It didn’t make sense to you, to feel so immensely submerged in adolescent feelings—yet be comforted by his presence oh so easily. You know you weren’t the only one harbouring clandestine feelings. You’d seen them confess, you’d seen the few perfumed letters in his locker asking to meet after class.

Kunhang had turned down all of them. It didn't take solving quantum physics to realize he’d probably do the same to you. And you’d both end up losing a friend.

You’d swallowed whatever garbled confession that might have come out of your mouth that night. It’s better off this way, you told yourself, and you believed it for quite a while.

You wanted to hate him when you turned eighteen. You were going away to start a new life all on your own, and yet there he was, pretending that everything was going to be the same. Did he have to treat you so special? It wasn’t real, after all, the full wave of attention he gifted you, the adoring laughter and the occasional awkward head pats. 

(And yet, every time you close your eyes, you wish it was.)

You wonder if Kunhang knows summer the way you do—sand against bare feet, having ice cream under a beach umbrella and most importantly, the scent of young love coating you in a thick layer of nervousness. Knowing him, he probably didn’t even notice the way you struggled to keep your wide grin secret every time he offered you the coconut flavoured ice cream. You wonder if he’s forgotten summer by now.

Yukhei catches up to you just before the narrow stone steps that end in the beach sand. You stop for a second, careful of the rock you always trip over (and the memory of Kunhang there to steady you with a laugh, unless he was the one who tripped face first into the sand) as you breathe out heavily. This is your high school reunion. You don’t have to think of your awkward  teenage love right now. You can enjoy the coconut flavoured ice cream all by yourself.

You step onto the sand, taking a sharp breath at the full strength of heat that hits you. The towels and umbrellas are spread across the area, candy blue stripes everywhere your eyes visit, till your name is called by a frantic Dejun trying to get your attention. Summer feels hotter than any year you’ve visited and even sunscreen can’t protect you from the inevitably dazzling view you face.

After all this time, you thought he’d go away but the waves come crashing after all.

Kunhang has grown into a messy sort of handsome. His hair is longer since the last time you saw him, unkempt in the way it falls over his forehead yet still strangely neat. Even under the shade of the giant umbrella, there’s an unmistakable calm over his features—the look he often had on his face and no one would be able to tell what he was thinking, his own respite in broad daylight. The contrast between him and the blue around is crisp, like a sunlit field of pink tulips floating atop blue ocean water. It’s hardly been three years and he looks older, a bit more mature. 

Kunhang beams when he notices you, the effect of it almost crushing as you try not to acknowledge the tidal wave of pent-up emotions.

“(name)!” he grins wide, jogging up to you. “I didn’t know you were coming. You didn’t reply to any of my texts!”

They vanished. Your words vanished again. Fidgeting with your fingers, you abruptly clear your throat before you can respond.

“Yeah. I, uh, I changed my number.” You bite your tongue softly at the lie.

He frowns. “Oh. Well, give me your new one.”

“I- I- I forgot my phone. At the- the hotel.”

You feel yourself cringing at your voice. It’s so...so embarrassing, every rise and fall. Kunhang blinks a few times before shrugging.

“Ah. I’ll get it later then.”

You almost immediately excuse yourself and beeline to Dejun sitting by the cooler, trying hard to hold a coconut larger than his hands as he raises a suspicious eyebrow at you. Of course it’s natural you’d go straight to the guy you see everyday at university instead of visiting the boy of your unrequited affections. It’s completely normal. What’s the point of a reunion anyway?

What you don’t expect is to be sandwiched between Dejun and Kunhang, the latter enthusiastically summing up each and every point of his life at university, the lack of control over facial expressions still prominent and you try not to let your heartstrings pull too hard. Dejun hums in intervals beside you, sipping at the coconut water he so struggled to get as Kunhang skilfully ignores the growing tension. 

God, he really is an idiot. You feel like telling him you’ve been in love with him for eight years just so he’d shut up.

But after all this time, Kunhang has managed to remain himself. You smile. The sand in your hourglasses might not be flowing so differently after all. He’s still talking about most everything he finds fascinating through the smallest of details and you’re still willing to listen to the sound of his voice for hours. The scent of the ocean breeze that made you think of him, so you kept it safe—it’s overwhelming now.

Your vision is suddenly blocked by a pink paper cup, the spotless white ice cream in it already starting to melt. You turn your head to Kunhang trying hard not to make a face at you, biting onto the edge of an empty paper cup.

“You didn’t listen to anything I said, did you?” he asks with a click of tongue, after taking his cup in his hand. 

You can’t help your sheepish laugh. “I lost you when you started talking about the campus cats.”

Kunhang scratches the back of his head, smiling. “I couldn’t get a volleyball today. They increased the rent rates by ten!”

“What, you were planning to rent a volleyball just to hit me in the face with it?”

Kunhangs face breaks into a grin, positively glowing from his eyes to the line of his nose to his lips. Maybe you don’t hate this feeling so much. 

Dejun suddenly clears his throat beside you, springing up. “I’m- I’m going to go help Yukhei,” he declares, discarding his coconut somewhere over the sand.

“Help with what?” you ask, furrowing your brows.

Dejun coughs uncomfortably before shrugging and speeding off to Yukhei trying very hard to plant the wet surfboard in the sand. Somewhere in your mind, you already know the reason why he ran off. 

You turn to Kunhang with a worried look, but there’s no sign of realization over his face. You almost sigh but catch yourself in the moment. Is it pitiful? He probably can’t even imagine you that way, maybe that’s why he hasn’t caught on. 

Is it bad that you hate it? That you’re not satisfied with the friendly touches, the innocent smiles. You don’t want to keep it so pure after all—you want to run your hands through his hair, you want to twine your fingers through his, you want to feel the touch of a kiss with him.

Your gulp nervously once Kunhang’s features come into focus, still talking about something vague and nodding along to it at an uncertain rhythm. The sound of the waves come gently crashing, just as they do to the shore and the buzz of this place reminds you of all the time you spent here. What has been, what could have been.

“Kunhang,” you interrupt and he whips his head to you, eyes curious. You take a deep breath.

What value is there to words that you’re desperately trying to throw away?

“I- I’m going to go to the water,” you say, trying to cover up your nervousness. If it wasn’t any other summer trip, it’s not going to be today. It’s not going to be, at all.

If you can’t put it into words, will you be alone? You’re only chewing over your memories hoping they fade.

Kunhang springs up just as you stand, his sudden movement surprising you. 

“I…” He begins but shakes his head with a subdued smile. His voice comes out softer than you expect. “Yukhei’s that way, if you’re looking for him.”

You blink back your confusion. “Ah, um, thanks!”

The more you try to lie to him, the less you understand yourself. But if you stay any longer, you might just spill the archived secrets, the words you should have burned in the campfire that night. You can fall out of love. It’s easy, it’s easy, you tell yourself—then why couldn’t you have done it earlier? Can you even do it now?

“What are you doing here?!” Yukhei asks, furrowing his brows as he gets up from the sand. “Where’s Kunhang?”

“I- I don’t know! Why would I know everything about him?” you grumble, hugging yourself.

“You are so stupid,” he states in response.

“That’s- That’s not something you should be telling me!”

Yukhei grabs your shoulder, shaking you hurriedly. “You should go back to him! The beach is one of the top ten romantic places, come on.”

“What makes you think I still like him?!” you hiss, trying to get his hands off your shoulders.

Yukhei stops abruptly, tilting his head to greet Dejun, who makes you jump out of your skin. You move apart from Yukhei, facing him with a sigh.

Dejun tries hard not to pull a face, notifying that your other classmates are here, and it’s a lot more likely some of them are still heart-eyed for Yukhei. The two of them seem to share an inside joke as they laugh and you raise an eyebrow, not even bothering to decode the situation. 

The brunch idea was probably Dejun’s, considering how smoothly things run. The whole renting out half a bar idea was probably Yukhei’s, considering how much of a wild mess it is. The place is perfectly snug, warm and just enough for a former high school batch, right by the beach where the sand meets asphalt. The laughter and conversations overpower the low jazz undertones of the music playing through the speakers and you find yourself smiling when someone or the other reminds you of all the high school ventures you’d had under the teachers’ disapproving eyes.

“Remember when Yukhei stole the rabbit from our school garden?”

“That wasn’t even worse than when he accidentally fired the water hose at Mr. Liang!”

“Oh my god, you remember putting on makeup in between classes without getting caught?”

“Or trying to steal lunch from me, you big bully?”

Really, seeing old faces after so long and then the same faces hammered only a few hours later might just be another one of the ‘fun’ things you’ve been missing out on.

There’s Shuhui, Lunmei and Linlin—girls you didn’t get to talk much with during school, but you remember Shuhui’s face from middle school. There’s Yukhei’s friends, Shihao and Taishun, who you think you exchanged a whopping total of sixteen words with throughout high school. Yet now, with everyone gathered here, it feels like some sort of a haven of reminiscence, like you’d known each other all your life (which, to an extent, you did). It’s comfortable and warm, the blanket of old connections.

You take another sip of the punch. It’s not enough to get you drunk but it's enough to shift the gears in your ribs to begin the steam engine you can’t find the brakes on. Your face is hot, Kunhang finally not the reason behind it, and you sigh as you glance around the room slowly.

It would’ve been quieter if Yukhei somehow hadn’t started this chain of confessions. Dejun is still struggling to keep him seated, a warm blush over his face when he has to wrap his arm around Yukhei yet again while the others continue chanting “confess! confess!” to the next unlucky victim guilty of harbouring an unspoken teenage crush.

You shake your head at the whole scene, sighing once again as you lazily swirl the remnants of your drink in the glass. The night will be over soon, and you’ll go back to your own paths. For now, you can pretend it’s all just another summer adventure.

Yukhei clears his throat, everyone’s eyes turning to him instantly. “I’m sure there’s one more confession left!”

There’s a bunch of cheers and you feel your heartbeat quicken when Yukhei shoots you a knowing smile. Your eyes widen, your throat suddenly feeling dry and you turn your head to meet Kunhang’s eyes. He looks at you with no hint or clue about the reality and you look away before it fries your nerves out.

“You’re going to thank me after this, Kunhang,” Yukhei calls, a teasing lilt to his voice and the boy in question simply shakes his head, grinning in polite confusion. 

You look around in panic, from Yukhei to Kunhang and wonder if you should open your mouth. You take a breath before a roar of cheers interrupts you.

Shuhui stands up, rosy-cheeked and wobbling at the knees. You catch Yukhei blinking with furrowed eyebrows but nodding anyway, as if the decisive president in a heated debate. 

“Wong Kunhang!” she calls before coyly confessing. “I like you! I’ve liked you since eighth grade!” 

Is it the alcohol? Or the cruel realization that your mother was right when she said summer makes people fall in love? There’s another round of cheers and applause as you get up discreetly, sneaking out the door a few steps behind you. You don’t think you can stomach the sight of someone else’s arms around Kunhang, his loving attention drawn to them. 

The night air is cool, the bushes lining the sidewalk buzzing with cicadas as you step over onto the soft, warm sand. The campfire has been reduced to blazing embers, no one there to kindle it as the night progressed. You hug yourself as you walk, the calm over you strange, uncharacteristic. 

Even if it’s not you and him after all, you should have said something. You’re only a coward, slow and naive in a world too fast-paced, unable to face a reality that’s your own. You couldn’t even stay in that room a second longer. If only your chest didn’t waver so easily, your heartbeat didn't grow erratic.

You walk closer to the water, waves lapping quietly against the sand, a hush over them as if they do not know what to say to you. What do you say to someone on the verge of heartbreak? Consoling your friends at university taught you next to nothing, your own seeming beyond your help.

“(name)!”

You feel your breath hitch, hesitant in turning around. There’s a moment’s pause and when you don’t turn, Kunhang tugs at your wrist, pulling you to him.

It’s getting so that your heart can’t even flutter anymore.

Gentle and kind, and so willing to give, Kunhang could never really leave you alone, could he? He looks at you with wide eyes, almost like a puppy lost on the streets. His pale pink overshirt is hanging loosely over his shoulders, unbuttoned all the way over his white T-shirt, his hair tousled by the wind and words yet resting on his lips. You forget to breathe for a few seconds and when you inhale sharply, the onslaught of your feelings comes toppling over you.

“I hate this,” you choke on the words. “You should be in there.”

“They’re still celebrating. And drunk.” He shifts nervously.

“I hate you,” you say, not finding meaning in the words. “I hate you so much because of how stupid I was- how weak I was.”

Kunhang’s eyes shimmer with something unfamiliar, lips quivering before he steadies himself, drawing nearer.

“That’s not fair,” he whispers, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. 

You purse your lips. It isn't fair—who are you to blame him? He doesn’t deserve the vomit of emotions from your popped balloon of a heart. You bite your tongue before you can spit out the poison-infused words. 

“I’m sorry,” you whimper, voice hoarse and still angry, “I wish I told you earlier. How much I liked you. How much I wanted to be with you.”

Kunhang stays quiet, hand not ready to leave your wrist yet, the part where his thumb rests searing hot.

“I thought I could pretend I never liked you at all,” you say, biting your lip. “I thought that if I faked it then it would go away but Wong Kunhang, I- I’ve liked you for so long that I don’t know what it’s like if I don’t.”

Why are you crying? It’s like the emotions you’ve hoarded all these years have somehow found an opening to burst through, in a stream of colours that paint you in embarrassment. You feel the blood rush to your cheeks and nose, as you vigorously rub at your eyes so the tears don’t escape in so obvious a manner.

“I- I tried going on dates, I tried- I tried all those stupid blind dating apps, I tried to focus on my major and making new friends and- and still…”

Doesn’t the rain fall in times like these? Yet there’s only the hot blanket of summer, with its swaying sea wind and calling cicadas resting in the vibrant bushes.

“I didn’t want to force all of this on you. I’m so—”

It’s only fitting that the stupidest sequence of words would leave his lips.

“I thought you liked Yukhei,” he says quietly.

You pause, uncertain of what to do and breathe out in annoyance. “Kunhang, for the love of god, where did you even come up with that?”

His cheeks colour ever so slightly and he clears his throat. “I don’t kno- I just- I kept giving myself excuses too. I’m sorry.”

The wind makes his hair sway lightly by his eyes, the stars glowing cool blue in them. Whatever the ebb and flow of your feelings were, they’re crashing against the sand, violent and sorrowful at first till the moon tames them into something warmer.

And then it happens again. Kunhang smiles, shoulders relaxing. There’s a moment’s pause.

“I- I’m not good with this.”

When Kunhang presses his hand against your jaw and leans in a little, eyes waiting for confirmation, the drumming in your veins is so loud you can barely comprehend the movement of his actions. You shut your eyes almost instantly but Kunhang accidentally bumps your noses a little too hard. The two of your wince, your hand flying to your nose as a muffled cry of pain escapes your lips and he looks at you worriedly, his fingertips pressing against your cheek softly.

You choke back a laugh but it bubbles up anyway, his own following after an embarrassed pause. 

“I think- I think I was a little nervous,” he admits, looking down and then back up to you.

“We can...we can try that again,” you hum, biting back a smile.

Kunhang’s hair is in fact softer than you’d expected, and when you run your fingers through them, he smiles into the kiss, his hand at the small of your back pulling you closer. Nothing’s like you daydreamed of and yet everything is in place, the shared warmth growing with each passing second. 

It’s blissful for a few moments before you’re interrupted by a drunk Yukhei to “get it” and you jump apart from each other, flushed hot in the cheeks. Dejun apologizes for his boyfriend, waving at you guys to continue whatever the hell you were doing before tugging Yukhei along with him.

You clear your throat awkwardly before plopping down on the sand, face buried in your hands. Kunhang follows slowly, legs outstretched towards the ocean. You peek to see him smiling at the sky, leaning back on his hands and the look you love seeing on him.

“Kunhang?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Even if you didn’t like me back then.”

Kunhang turns his head to you, eyes earnest as they trail across your face.

“You don’t have to be brave.”

He reaches out to fix the hair from your eyes, a gentle touch to them as ever, but this time there’s a stronger meaning to it, almost as if he’d kiss you again right then. The two of you smile, twining your fingers somewhere along the night as he tells you to rest your head on his shoulder. The waves sing softly to accompany Kunhang’s chatter, the feeling almost unreal when you feel his pulse against your thumb. 

What has been, what could’ve been—they’re barely a breeze to what really is.

[okay-j-hannah]

Synonyms For Home

Smosh : Prompt

Damien x Reader

Word Count: 3486 

Warnings: Just the most relateable ish I’ve ever written... except for having THE actual Damien Haas in my life 😭 I heckin’ wish

Request: ““sometimes home has a heartbeat” First of all THANK YOU for writing damien haas because I can never find any inserts of him :( also I chose this dialogue because I really like it and can be used in a friend to lover thing? I’d like a angsty gone fluffy one? I often run away from potential relationships and I’d like something based around that. thank u for doing what ya do <3″ - @dancingpanda137

Prompt: 

31. “Sometimes, home has a heartbeat.”

Note: I completely understand running out of Damien Haas fics 😂 I have definitely read about 99.99% of the content out there! Also I totally feel your pain about running away from potential relationships... this was a lot of fun to write!

A/N: At one point you’re going to have to stop running away from every potential relationship; there’s more to life than just stressing about it

Part Two: Homeward Bound

(this gif... This Gif... THIS GIF... ThIS giF... What am I going TO DO WITH MYSELF?!)

(Y/N) was speeding down the office hallways, a satchel at her side along with multiple plastic bags on her arms and a large drink carrier in her hands. A pencil stuck awkwardly from behind her ear as she mumbled the checklist she'd made earlier that day.  

Sharply turning a corner without hesitation, she made it to the meeting room and gave a quiet, but swift knock. She opened it carefully and wiped her face of concentration to replace it with a wide grin.  

Ian paused his presentation of a fresh project by waving at (Y/N) and gazing excitedly at what she brought.

"Don't mind me," she whispered, the same thing she said every day when she made her deliveries.  

All the Smosh Pit cast were there, including the Squad, Tommy, Monica, Matt Raub, and Garrett. They were going over ideas for Smosh Winter Games, something that hasn't happened for a few years.  

But (Y/N) was more focused on getting her own job done, starting with the drinks and passing them to their corresponding owners. She did it in such a fluid motion that no one doubted their cup was exactly what they ordered.  

Next, she opened the plastic bags digging into her arms and handed out sandwiches and salads, as an added treat. She normally pitched in a few extra dollars to buy a better lunch for her coworkers, and she could see the speculating eye from Matt Raub as he accepted his deluxe.  

She put her best smile on and waved a hand, "Don't worry about it." And before she left, she reached into her satchel and extracted a small box of cookies, "For dessert."  

And before anyone could protest the homemade treat, she ran out of the room with a few more drinks and meals to pass out.  

This was such a frequent occurrence for (Y/N) and the Smosh Family. She had become kind of like the mother of Smosh, taking care of the numerous little things while still finding time to take care of the cast and crew with goodies and smiles.  

That didn't mean she never got stressed.  

Her step was quick again as she made her way back through the halls, waving at a few friends as she went. That checklist in her head never seemed to grow smaller:  

Get Damien his coffee

Give cookie box to Smosh Games

Find Sarah for guest star progress reports

Check to see if Damien actually ate his lunch

Write paper about that Tinder for Hotdogs idea

Give Tommy a hug and see how he's doing later

Invite Shayne to the hangout Damien came up with

Text Courtney about filming in her tiny car

Find Damien a date for...

Someone crashed right into (Y/N), sending the last few cups of coffee into the air and all over her shirt. She jumped at the steaming hot liquid, pulling against the fabric to keep it from her skin.  

"Oh, damn, I'm sorry (Y/N)."

She winced and peered up to see Damien's sympathetic face, "It's... It's fine. I'll - I'll just bump a few things on my list and go get changed and grab more coffee."  

He immediately knelt down to pick up the remnants of the cups and carrier, "I'm guessing this one's mine? Serves me right not looking where I'm going."  

He gave her a smile, his eyes crinkling up as he did so. It made her heart skip a beat.  

"Don't worry about it. I'll just..." she was still holding away her sticky shirt, closing her eyes and thinking hard, "I'll figure something out."  

Damien sighed, "I just ruined your whole agenda, didn't I?" He picked up her pencil and quietly slid it to behind her ear, "Please don't stress out about it."  

She had to give herself a few seconds to process his last sentence before continuing, "Um... that's almost physically impossible at this point. With summer ending we've got to find a whole new season of things to do."  

He listened but contorted his brow at how uncomfortable she was standing there, "You know I have one of my Smosh sweatshirts in my office. You want to change into that? Get yourself out of brewing in your own shirt."  

When he laughed at his own jokes it made (Y/N) stutter so uncontrollably, "Uh... actually, that'd be really nice. Then I won't have to drive home when I run more errands."  

He led the way to his desk, smirking, "More errands? Do you just intentionally want to give yourself a busy schedule?" He extracted a colorful pastel sweatshirt and handed it to her.  

"Well, who's going to pick up the new Mario Party release?" she walked away to change in the nearby bathroom, "You have to film today."  

It only took a minute to change, but maybe two minutes to stare in the mirror and tell herself she was wearing Damien's sweatshirt. Not to mention smell his cologne from the collar.  

"And I know that if you get stressed out, I just stress out more and then there's this whole cycle of intense panic." She paused when she met him at his desk again - he was holding her satchel and a strange look was in his eye.  

"You look cute."  

She had to focus all her energy into not widening her eyes at his words, "I got to go, thanks for the sweatshirt! I promise I'll get you something else later today for that coffee fiasco." She was practically running out of the room by the end of her sentence.  

It always took a few minutes after a talk with Damien to convince herself that he only saw her as a friend. That he cares about her because he's her friend. That the possibility of getting so close to him was absolutely terrifying.  

But she had to push past it, always the one to run away from those potential relationships.  

She had to hurry back on her list if she had hopes to finish everything before the big hangout that night. And by big hangout, she meant Damien, Shayne, and Courtney. (Y/N) always considered scenarios where Damien was involved a big deal.  

Completing a majority of running errands and skipping her own lunch to do so, she ran over to Smosh Games to deliver cookies and catch up with Wes and Mari. Whenever she could, (Y/N) always tried to make time to talk to each of the cast and crew.  

It's always nice to know you have a friend at the office.  

"Guess what I brought?" she flashed a dazzling smile, opening her satchel.  

Wes practically flew as he turned in his chair and wheeled towards her - thankfully his headphones were Bluetooth and not attached to the monitor.  

"Suckers? Cupcakes? Oh! Please say it's..."

(Y/N) extracted her homemade box and shook it in front of him, "Chocolate chip cookies."  

Mari wheeled around too, "You're going to be the sole reason he's gonna have a sugar coma later."

He practically squealed, a large childish smile on his face, "You're too good to me, (Y/N)." He quickly pulled one out and took a bite, "Oh... you are way too good to me."  

She laughed, pulling Damien's empty chair from his gaming console to sit down, "Where is everyone?"  

Mari shrugged her shoulders, "Probably sneaking around to plan my reception."  

Wes paused in his munching and widened his eyes, "Hm? I - I thought they were..."  

"I know they left you here to keep me distracted," Mari smirked, "I also know that Peter left you guys in charge of ensuring I'm a happy bride - so don't lie to me."

Shaking a few crumbs from his fingers, Wes rolled his eyes, "Fine. They're coordinating who's decorating your car."  

"Which reminds me," Mari flashed her gaze back to (Y/N), who was fidgeting in her seat. "Have you found yourself a date for the wedding yet?"

Wes gasped and nodded enthusiastically, "I thought for sure he was going to ask you by now."  

"I'm not asking anyone out," (Y/N) stated adamantly, "You know I'm no good with... wait - did you say...?"  

"I thought you were just going to go with Damien," he paused before quickly adding, "As friends."

(Y/N) felt the heat residing in her face, panic building in her chest, "No, I was actually supposed to find Damien a date later this week. I didn't want him to go alone."  

"But you are?" Mari asked, leaning across the desks, pointedly raising an eyebrow towards Wes.

"I'm not the best at the whole dating - relationship thing. So, it's best if I just stay out of it."  

Wes mumbled, "With the amount of stress you handle every day at work you'd think going on a date was nothing for you."  

(Y/N)'s breathing was hitching, her trying to hide her fidgeting hands at the subject, "Can we please talk about something else?"

"Is that sweatshirt new? I've never seen it before," Mari was smirking again; she knew full well whose sweatshirt it was.  

It took Wes only a few more seconds to realize it as well, "Did Damien give that to you?" He had the biggest fan boy eyes (Y/N) had ever seen.  

But she was consumed with her own overwhelming emotions. The thought of so many people rooting for Damien and her to get together sent her nerves to the maximum. Sure, they were really good friends, but only that.  

Any other possibility would melt her insides.

"Whatcha guys doing?"  

Damien came waltzing into the room, followed closely by Joven and Laser. His eyes fell immediately onto (Y/N) sitting stony in his chair - the sight made him smile, but he hesitated.  

"Are you okay, (Y/N)?" He was always the one that stepped in before she fell into a full state of panic, unbeknownst to him that he was normally the subject of the panic.  

"I... I just - I don't know."  

He walked over and outstretched his arms to her, giving her a sympathetic gaze to will her up to him.  

Joven snapped his fingers to grab the attention of the other SG members, crazily pointing to usher everyone out.  

(Y/N) sniffed and averted her gaze, finding her legs disobeying her to a standing position. And Damien wrapped his arms around her, holding her so tightly.  

She was consumed by his presence, feeling her heart drop into her stomach. Hugs from Damien weren't uncommon, but they were always nerve-wracking.  

"I told you not to stress out today." He rubbed a hand up and down her back, "But I definitely ordered your favorite food for tonight just in case. And we can play whatever game you like - even the scary games."  

"But Shayne hates the scary games," she mumbled, the pang in her chest resounding at his comfort.  

He laughed, "Shayne can hide behind the couch."  

She could feel his heartbeat against her head. It pounded until it resided into her mind. It was always that that calmed her down. It was the same feeling she got when she was safe at home after a long day.  

Was his heart beating a little fast?

"Feel better?" He pulled her back slightly to get a good look at her face.  

She wished his arms were still around her, "You know I always do when you're there."  

There was his laugh again that sent a shiver down her spine, "You look a little red in the face." He brushed a finger against her cheek to confirm his suspicion, "You're not sick, are you?"  

Lovesick?

"I gotta go. Thanks for the hug, I really needed it." She grabbed her bag and became completely oblivious to how Damien's shoulders sunk. "I'll see you later tonight."  

She rounded out of the Games room, smacking the side of her head as she put a hand to her temple. There was a pounding there that she was sure was going to grow into a headache.  

She closed her eyes, needing to focus:  

Bring treats for the editing room

Gather viewing statistics from Spencer

Not think about Damien

Help Monica with writing Tinder for Hotdogs

Confirm spot on the SmoshCast for next week's episode

Order dress for Mari's wedding

Not think about Damien's laugh  

Start notes for the Two Truths episode she was going to direct

Not think about Damien's smile

Meet with Ian about Winter Games

Not thinking about falling asleep on Damien's lap tonight

Buy more ingredients for Wes' cookies

Check that the makeup room is fully stocked

Not thinking about Damien pulling a blanket over her before he would leave

It was almost impossible to concentrate on anything else as (Y/N) entered the film studio for Smosh Pit. Shayne was immediately waving at her and raising his eyebrows in a questioning manner.  

She shrugged her shoulders, pointing towards her temple and mouthing, "headache," over the sound being tested through the mics.  

That pounding was still resounding in her head.

Shayne nodded and mouthed back a, “sorry,” before patting the spot next to him on the couch. She gave a short smile and walked over, taking a deep breath.  

“Having a day?” he whispered, the mics still being tested above them.  

She bit her bottom lip, “Just a little one.” Then she folded her arms and leaned her head against his shoulder.  

He started shaking with a laugh he was trying to hide, “You really are having a day. How many times to I get to see affectionate (Y/N)?”

She pouted, lightly smacking his leg, “I just got a Damien hug, of course I’m feeling affectionate.”  

“Ah, yes, the Damien hug,” he moved into a character voice, “I’ve seen many a traveler receive one of those and never return the same.”  

“Shayne!” Matt Raub could be heard behind the cameras, “I wasn’t kidding when I said we were checking sound.”  

Shayne waved an apology and lowered his voice more, “So, that’s two strikes for having a stressful day. One: a Damien hug, and two: snuggles.”  

(Y/N) turned her head to bury her face between Shayne’s arm and the couch, “I can’t help being busy at work.”  

“But we can help take a load off,” Shayne muttered leaning over and reaching for something near his feet, “Got you a little something.”  

She sat straight again, surprised at the gesture, “You got me something?”

“Don’t act surprised. Just because you give people treats all the time doesn’t mean they can’t give you something.” He handed over a medium sized box that was obviously just thrown together, “It was more Damien’s idea than mine, but we went during lunch.”  

“Of course it was him,” she smiled, pulling back the lid and finding a few spa day essentials, goodies, and a couple new games for her PlayStation. “How did you know I wanted these games!”  

His eyes widened at seeing hers light up, “You always talk about them, of course we knew you wanted them. And we got you some weird bath bomb-lotion-spray-flower stuff.” He threw his hands around as he talked, trying to amp up the quality of the present, “Just... we want you to relax every once in a while.”  

A pair of hands came down on (Y/N)’s shoulders, causing her to jump at first, “We knew that one was your favorite scent.”  

It was Damien again, hovering near her head as he leaned over the couch. (Y/N) cursed her mind, thinking that she would’ve been able to get away from his perfect eyes in the Squad room.

“Um... we called Courtney to figure that out,” Shayne stated with squinted eyes but a smile nonetheless, “She also was the one who told us where to find it.”  

“I like to think I know what (Y/N) likes,” Damien retorted, hands still on her shoulders. “We thought maybe you should get a gift for a change.”  

She didn’t know what to say, setting the box down and pulling away from Damien. His hands left a lingering touch on her shoulders.  

“That’s really kind of you guys. I – I guess I’m not used to accepting presents,” she watched the strange exchange move from Shayne to Damien. They were looking at her with puzzlement, but she continued, “I thought you had filming to do, Damien?”

He looked slightly downtrodden, “I do – here. I’m shooting a Smosh Pit Weekly.” 

A sigh left her lips, but she plastered on a smile, “Oh, I must have my schedule mixed up. You know what that means – I have to go straighten it out. I’ll see you guys, thanks for the...”  

“(Y/N), are you avoiding me?”  

Shayne whipped his head between his two friends, disbelief hanging in his gaze. He wasn’t sure this conversation was ever going to be brought up. Therefore, he practically skidded out of the studio, rolling off the couch.  

(Y/N) could feel that panic filling up her chest, the pounding in her head. The redness was hitting her face again and the oversized sweatshirt was feeling strangely restricting.  

“You’re getting red again. (Y/N) what’s wrong? What are you stressing about?” Damien walked around the coffee table and stopped when she took a step away from him.  

“I only ever stress out about one thing.”  

He heavily sighed, “I’m gonna need you to give me a little more than that.”  

As he inched closer, she felt the panic manifesting itself in shaky hands and stutters, “We-We’re friends, right?”  

She thought she saw his face dip a little, “Yes? What’s this about?”  

“I - I only seem to feel overwhelmed when-whenever y-you're there.”  

He paused, immediate hurt on his face, “Oh, I didn’t realize... I thought... I’m sorry that I...”  

“But I also never feel better until you are there,” she gazed at the ground. “It’s very conflicting.”  

“(Y/N), I think it’s about time we just get a few things off our chests,” he stated, a bit of redness hitting his own cheeks this time. “I’ve wanted to ask you something for a while.”  

She finally peeked at him, “I always run away when I think I’m getting too close to a guy. I don't know why, but the thought of being that close to someone really scares me. But it’s also the only thing I can think about.” She watched his face go through a range of emotions as she held her breath in anticipation.  

It was his smirk that got to her first, “I’ve been wanting to ask you to be my date to Mari and Peter’s wedding, but you keep running away every time I think I can start talking to you about it.”  

Her breathing literally stopped, “Your date?”

“So, you run away from me because you want to be with me?” He was taking a few more steps towards her, practically right in front of her now. But she couldn’t move.  

“That sounds complicated,” she whispered, eyes flickering all around his face.  

He gave her a momentary cautious gaze, “Do you want to run away now?”  

She eyed the close proximity of his face, “Only because you’re stressing me out. But I know I won’t feel better unless I stay with you.”

“Then this is okay?” he was wrapping her into one of his hugs, “I don’t like that I make you scared like this.”

She let out a breath that she felt like she was holding for hours, “I’m only scared about what’s going to happen next.”  

She pulled away just enough to see his face, their arms still wrapped around each other. He leaned his forehead down against hers and gazed into her eyes. She swallowed hard, finding her hands moving – one sliding down to his chest and the other to the side of his face, feeling his jawline.  

She realized that the pounding in her head had stopped. It was replaced with a pounding happening against her hand.  

It was Damien’s heartbeat. The thing that’s been bombarding her all day.  

Flickering her eyes back into his, she found Damien giving a slight smile as he peered down towards her lips. She gave a small smile back and before she knew it Damien was leaning all the way to meet her kiss.  

It was instant fireworks exploding in her chest. Those spouts of panic fueled the butterflies in her stomach. Wrapping her hand to the back of his head, she tangled her fingers into Damien’s hair.  

She could feel him smile into the kiss.  

And as quickly as it began, they broke apart. Though they didn’t pull away from their embrace, still touching foreheads.  

“I’m not going to let you run away this time,” Damien muttered, keeping a grip on her waist.  

“I think I’m here to stay.”  

She felt his heartbeat again, fast and strong against her hand. The one thing that’s always been able to comfort her.  

And recognition had finally settled into her mind.  

Sometimes home has a heartbeat. And home was where she was going to stay.

~~~

Buy Me a Coffee?

Tag List:

@wierdlywonderful @caswinchester2000 @joenjoenshire @liamakorn

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[jonathananubian]

Looking Back

Yoinked from @wrennette cause it looked fun and I need to be nicer to myself.

RULES: It’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits,  etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought  into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want  (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works.

1) Hush, Don’t Speak: Hush is a Clone Trooper with a terrible stutter. Every day he and his batchmates are worried he’ll be decommissioned. Especially after being assigned to a Battalion that is not being led by a Jedi General. After an incident where a Natborn Officer abuses him mercilessly for his stutter the Commodore steps in to rescue him and take him under his wing. The man treats the clones like real people and is particularly kind to Hush. AN: Hush, my CT baby~ He is such an innocent bean I love him. Lots of fun with Stewjoni Culture too. Very different from my ‘Setting Souls Aflame’ series Stewjonians. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26389771/chapters/64281844

2) Another Chance: Jaster is saved on Korda VI by a Jetii who not only speaks Mando’a but has a deep respect for Mandalorian culture. He says he has nowhere to go. Jaster offers him a place with the True Mandalorians and the Jetii agrees to come with them. (Jast/Obi, Jango is Force Sensitive.) AN: All the characters I love in one place and both Obi-wan and Jango get a supportive, caring, family~ Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26904037/chapters/65651923

3) Dragon King: Obi-wan Kenobi is a Knight of the Jedi Order, a sect of Magic Users who devote their lives to helping others. On his mission to Mandalore he attracted the attention of the Dragon King, Jango Fett. After escaping back to the Jedi he thought he’d never see the Dragon King again. He was wrong. Jango had never stopped looking for him and now that he has his Mate back he’s never letting go. AN: It’s so much fun to write! Fantasy Star Wars where Mandalorians are Dragons, Kel Dor are Fairies, and Midichlorians are actually a spectral symbiotic life-form. It also comes with an entire side story series with characters like Wolffe, Plo Koon, Quinlan Vos, Bly, and Aayla Secura. Planning on doing a Jessix chapter soon. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23786692/chapters/57141277

4) Blue Skies: Skylar Stanley is a muggleborn of a distinguished family who just received her letter to Hogwarts. Her parents have no issue with Magic, with Mrs. Stanley’s brother being a Wizard. But her parents have one major concern sending their little princess off to a boarding school- Skylar wasn’t born a girl and the Wizarding world could be a very cruel place. (Transgender OC, OC/Draco, Hufflepuff OC) AN: To be honest, I didn’t even know about the JK issues when I wrote this. It was just an idea I had about someone changing how the Purebloods thought of the world. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21568891/chapters/51422698

5) Stipator ad Luminis: Lukka Skywalker can’t remember a time when he wasn’t a slave. But he had thankfully flown under the radar for most of his nineteen years. Then he was bought by Grakkus the Hutt and gifted to the Champion of the Arena, a man known only as Gamemaster. Lukka thought it would be the end of him, the man was violent and cruel, but he quickly found that beneath it all the man was just another slave, like himself. Having to work around the danger that came with being a slave for a Champion Gladiator was a small price to pay for staying with the stoic man who made him feel safe. Sgt. Kreel is undercover as a gladiator when the Hutt he ‘belongs’ to notices his interest in a blonde haired slave during a party. The Hutt gives him the young man as a gift and he can’t help but think this is some kind of trap. He was right, it is a trap, but for all the wrong reasons. Lukka is kind, soft, and Kreel has a hard time taking his eyes off the young man who smiles like the sun. (Luke Skywalker/Sgt. Kreel) AN: This was an absolutely Random idea but I love it. If for no other reason than it amuses the hell out of me to write. I can’t wait for the moment Vader shows up. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24435412/chapters/58957378

Tagging anyone who wants to join!

[ofravensandgenesis]

IT IS FINISHED no seriously, this took ages. First couple of days were fine and motoring along with progress, then I was laid out for a week-ish with health problems. Then once I was well enough again I was back to being fixated on finishing this piece of my lad Joshua here for another handful of days, so I’m super glad this is done now. More talk about the painting, details and process under the cut:

Art Entry 01, Joshua Rook, Junior Deputy of Hope County. Regarding the painting’s execution, stylistic choices, practiced methods, and speculation on further experimentation for skill and stylization. _____________________________ Honestly I thought that the uniform’s large swatches of green fabric would be more difficult than it actually was. Turns out that was the easier part compared to the shoulder patch and metal badge. x’D The metal badge design is based off of and inspired by a custom-ordered cosplay badge design I found while looking for references, in this post here (link,) from v-i-d-e-n-o-i-r’s blog and Far Cry 5 cosplay. There are some differences in the painting’s rendition above, namely I flattened the middle section and made it all concentric polished metal instead of painted and the great seal rendition in the middle doesn’t have silver lineart either. Those choices are as much for aesthetic reasons of eliminating the blue ring so it was all a fairly simple mono-material-looking surface as it was for simplifying having to forego painting the foreshortening that a spherical dome might entail. Also just because the rest of the metal turned out looking good enough that an additional bit of shiny metal seemed like it’d fit right in for this. That being said, the badge design that inspired this one is rad and awesome looking—and I totally didn’t realize it wasn’t quite like the badges from in-game assets until after I’d painted it. x’D So, I decided to stick with this one since it’s simpler and has cleaner lines, and less engraving to pick out highlights on. Metal is very hit or miss for me to get right, so I’m very pleased with how this one came out! :D I think I did well on that one. The shoulder patch originally I was looking at real world references and ended up changing the shape once I actually looked at in-game references on Staci and Joey—who I discovered have slightly different details on their uniforms, like the font for their name tags—Staci’s has an old-timey-looking-font with serifs, Joey’s is a non-serif more modern-style font. Some pictures have them having different buttons on their uniforms either in color or shape (the former being exported assets, the latter being in-game gifs/screenies/etc.) This is also how I learned that the little landscape with the shovel, pickaxe and plough/plow are part of the great seal of Montana. I had no flipping idea that was what it was, looking at the patches in-game. The cosplay community does some great work for that, for which I’m grateful. I ended up looking up references of what the state seal’s design was so as to see the smaller details, and to find out what the motto meant ”Oro y Plata,” meant, leading to etymology googling adventures from there, as usual. All important details to paint though I think here, since Joshua’s deputy uniform is symbolically significant to him and will remain so throughout his story as part of his internal conflict for a couple of reasons. One thing I knew I should’ve done from the start, and reminded myself to do, was the fact that I should paint all skin sections at the same time, so as to ensure they all came out the same shades. I did not do this. x’D I’ll have to actually try to do that next time honestly. Same with the hair sections, while I like how they came out, I do feel the differences between the three major segments in terms of brushwork is not as coherent as I’d like, even if beard hair is not necessarily similar in how it lays to scalp hair, particularly with length and such taken into consideration. Still, not bad. Could’ve used more refs for the backlighting and figuring out how the highlights would fit best on the ponytail, but I think the hair curves turned out nice there in particular. Overall, Joshua’s hair ended up messier than I’d thought with how the locks all end up looping this way and that across his head, but it does actually fit him well as a character for his hairstyle to be messy and loosely held together, but functional. It did end up longer than I’d intended, so we have him likely ending up with a nerdy Jesus hairstyle when it’s down. x’D (Thanks to @undead-gearhead​ for that mental imagery, I shall take great amusement in that should I get around to drawing Joshua with his hair down.) Aside from that, I think I’m slowly improving on figuring out how to paint glasses, though I’m thinking in the future I should test more layered reflective light on them or something where the frames are in contact or close to skin, particularly around the glasses’ bridge across the nose and such. Then there are the other deviation details added—like using dark green instead of the black for the uniform accents. The faded black looks great in-game, but I do think the buttons pop more against dark green instead for this painting. I’m a little bit surprised how well the button-placket section came out, Clip Studio Paint crashed when I painted the first rendition of it, sadly losing all that work. I thought it’d be okay but turns out it didn’t quite get to auto-save that recently enough, but the second go around turned out quite well I think, possibly better. I was originally planning to try to put more textured brushwork across the flat sections of the uniform material, but decided to skip it for speed—I’ll test that elsewhere perhaps, though I think it came out well with the watercolor brushes layered on top of one another like that as is. Among the other smaller details, there’s some tweaks and such for how Joshua’s eye shape, eyebrows, nose shape, hairline etc came out compared to references of Greg Bryk in his role as Joseph Seed. I think Joshua did come out looking like he’s obviously related to the Seeds as I was hoping for, but I’m kind of on the fence that people would look at him and automatically assume it’s Joseph specifically that he’s descended from. I hope so, but either way, that’s how he’s written in-fic. x’D Overall, I would consider this painting a success, though as usual I do wish it’d been faster to finish. I do think this was good practice for detail work, and metal shading, also: buttons. Still haven’t figured out how to paint lips with more pink or red tones, I don’t like the way they look when painted sadly, unless it’s lipstick. That may end up being a stylistic element perhaps, along with how I paint the lines for fingernails and other such details. Fun fact: I have to leave the shading on the eyes for last, or else my brain goes “The eyes are done! We’re done! Call it a day.” I’m not sure why, but so far, leaving them as flats until the end seems to work a treat for keeping me focused on finishing the rest of the work with less mental dissonance. Now if only I could figure out why despite knowing I should do all the exposed skin portions at the same time, I don’t follow through on that naturally as far as inclinations go. Maybe it’s a layer organization thing and perception of wanting, say, the cloth to be done first before working “down” to the hands and such in the sense of working from the head down? I’ll have to think on that some more and test things in the next painting. Perhaps color coding the order of layers to paint will help? CSP does have a nice layer-icon-color function that I’ve dabbled with here and there. There are so many brushes, I really do need to test out more of them, I use, what, four or five total, but primarily somewhere around two or three. Hm, but what to do with texture, and how to utilize it so? Hmmm, as far as personal appeal for methodology goes, I might prefer to use textures in select pieces for more emotional emphasis? If I can figure out how to do that in a messier speed-paint style of things. Rougher textures for conflict, for example. That sounds like an interesting idea to explore, I’ll have to remember that for a later piece. Maybe more heavily textured brushes will also help with the mental itch to refine things to a cleaner-level of refining instead of leaving it in a more organically rough state. Hm, maybe it’s a “mental texture” aversion or something, as far as an interplay between the brush’s texture and the flow of the linework/brushstroke. Perhaps more uneven brushes echo that in a complimentary fashion to better allow less mental discomfort for me personally when trying to paint in a faster, looser fashion? Honestly, very tempting to go try that out sooner rather than later on some art ideas I have, but I’ve been missing my writing very much of late with two time-demanding paintings back to back. So, ideas for a later time to experiment with.

[aurlyn]

A Year In Review 2019

Tagged by @cullenlovesmen. Thank you so much!

I’m not going to tag anyone directly, but if you haven’t completed one of these yet and feel the desire to, please consider yourself tagged! :)

Published

AO3 says I posted 303,179 new words last year - I’m a little shocked, to be honest. There were 14 Completely new pieces and I added on to 4 others. All of these are Alistair/Cullen pairing unless otherwise noted and I enjoy writing Modern AU’s (sometimes with magic, sometimes without) as well as the original in-game settings. 

Cocktails and Cheese: Updated Chapters 44-59 Mishaps and Misfortunes story arc. (50,523 words +photos added to this story in 2019. C&C is currently 224,133 words long.)

Alistair is the owner of a cheesy bar in downtown Denerim. Commander Cullen is a police detective from the other side of town. Both men go through the motions of their day-to-day lives, not realizing that something essential is missing.

After a chance meeting and some casual flirting; will these two find that little spark of attraction enough to break free from their humdrum existence and lead them down the path toward true happiness?

One-Shots in the C&C Universe (3891 words total added):

Weirdest Father’s Day Ever (1912 words ): A glimpse into a Father’s Day of the future. Kieran is back from College, Emily is five with a few surprises of her own, but all in all, it’s the best Father’s Day these two have had… so far.

Wouldn’t Change a Thing (1979 words): All good things must come to an end. Here’s a look into the future for our two boys, the day we close the doors to Alistair’s House of Whine and Cheese for the last time.

Change of Plan (5006 words): What would happen if Cullen became the Hero of Ferelden? @jellysharkbat wanted to know, so I began this little adventure. It is intended as a WIP with no set schedule for adding chapters.

All the Kisses (3600 words): Updated Chapters 47-83 - of these 100 word drabbles of varying Cullistair kisses. One of my favorite quick post past times! I loved them so much, I did TWO 31 day challenges of them last year on top of this set.

Fictober 2019 (3100 words): Thirty-one days of Cullistair Kisses following along with the Fictober prompts for the month. 31 prompts in 31 days. What is this insanity?!! Not insanity, just another excuse to bring more Cullistair kisses into the world.

December Kisses (3100 words): I sent out the call for Prompts in November and was given so many amazing ones, choosing only 31 wasn’t easy. Each Cullistair kiss followed along with the holiday/winter theme.

Worth Fighting For (2323 words): A prompt fill for @tatteredleaf where the Inquisitor slips a note to Cullen in the War Room from a certain Warden.

Beautiful Sacrilege (1364 words): Written for @cullenlovesmen & @bexterrr. Cullen/Sebastien/Alistair. Sebastian's envoy has arrived at Skyhold. Cullen is very happy to see him. (Alistair probably sees more than he was supposed to, but he honestly doesn’t mind.)

Something Beautiful and New (1172 words): Written for @bexterrr. Chantry Boys - Fic-or-Treat exchange. Alistair has never carved a pumpkin before, the new boy at the Abby takes him under his wing and shows him the ropes. (not a euphemism for anything sexual... I swear). Not this time at least.

Antici… pation (2172 words): Written for @bexterrr. Rocky Horror-ish Modern Crossover Fic-or-Treat exchange. Halloween is Cullen’s least favorite holiday, but he endures, because it happens to be his husband’s favorite holiday -- and there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do to make Alistair happy.

Sweet Halloween Anniversary (100 words + Photo): Created and written for @bexterrr  Fic-or-Treat exchange. Cullen arranges a little something special for Alistair for their anniversary.

Tainted Love (1666 words) Written for @andrastini: What if the Calling isn't exactly what we've been led to believe? What if it's not a battle to the death at all... what if it's sexual? This is not my usual fluff with a side of angst! Please read the tags before diving in. I will not be offended if this is not your cup of tea, just keep yourself happy, healthy, and safe.

Everything Will be Better Tomorrow (1851 words): Cullen is having a lyrium withdrawal kind of day. With duty pushing him forward, he endures as best he can… until he doesn't have to anymore.

Orchestrated Machinations (11,529 words): Written for @rhovanels / Black Emporium Rare-Pare exchange. Alistair/Zevran pairing. Alistair has been invited to another dreaded masquerade ball. Leliana arranges for this event to be not so dreaded, after all.

My Dearest Mia (431 words): Cullen (FINALLY) writes home to Mia.

Something I can never Have (added 2 more chapters - 1902 Words): When I first wrote, "Something I Can Never Have" in 2017 for the Sadness Appreciation Society weekly prompt, it broke my heart. From that first moment Alistair walked out of the room, I knew I'd have to come back and FIX IT!!! And thanks to the 2019 Cullen Appreciation Week, I've been given the motivation to do just that. :)

Chapter Two - gives us Cullen's perspective of that little impromptu visit.

Chapter Three - Our Conclusion. Finally our boys get their Happily Ever After. :) Anyone who knows my work will know that I love these boys to the moon and back and believe they always deserve a happily ever after!

Cuts, Colors & Curls (1823 words) - Pride Piece: Cullen moved to a new town and is looking for a place to take care of his unruly hair. What he finds at Alistair's Cuts, Colors, and Curls is so much more than he ever dared to hope for.

Exactly What I Need (613 words) For @earlgreyer1 (Picture prompt): Alistair's not feeling like being jovial with the family. He needs a few minutes alone to reflect. Cullen finds him and won't let him mourn alone.

Written

In addition to posting just over 300k words to AO3 in 2019, I completed a double NaNoWriMo in November totalling just over 106k words between two totally different stories. One of which will join my AO3 collection in a few months, the other is an original piece of the urban fantasy variety.

Future

I’m currently working on  my final rounds of edits on the next story arc for C&C titled Promises and Proposals, as well as a stand alone piece called The Royal Tantrum.

I have so many things that I can’t wait to work on! More Cocktails and Cheese (because, apparently I’m addicted) which means there will also be more one-shots in this world as well. I would love to do another Supernatural/C&C crossover someday maybe add another chapter to Tainted Love and Beautiful Sacrilege and of course, continue adding onto Change of Plan! :) There’s a piece I’ve been pondering for the last couple of years with Alistair and Dorian (not my usual pairing, but I don’t mind stepping outside of the box I built around myself occasionally.

Conclusion

2019 was an insanely productive year for my little writing fingers. I’m hoping I can keep up even half that momentum for this upcoming year. Only time will tell… for now, I need to get back to my edits.

[bucky-iss-bae]

Little Miss CEO - (Billy Russo x Reader)

Heyy, so another multiple part fic here. This time its Billy Russo as the main man, and I just love writing with him, for real one of my favourites to write with. I know that there's so much I need to improve on while writing still. But I know this, and each fic is giving me more confidence. 

Fandom: Marvels The Punisher 

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader 

Word Count: 2500 ish 

Warnings: Swearing, hella lot of swearing some anger. 

Summary: Billy and Y/N get set up by their friends, but they clash heads more than they get on. He thinks she’s a gold digger bitch and she thinks he’s Mr Obnoxious, are either of them, everyone else thinks that they’re too stubborn for their own good and probably get on. 

A/N: Hope you all enjoy, any feedback is welcome x 

Masterlist  Fandom list 

Little Miss CEO - Part One 

“Karen, why are you doing this again? I really, really, really don’t need to be set up”

“I’m not setting you up. We’re just going out to a bar, with a few friends”

“Your friends not mine” I whined whilst sitting on the couch and flicking through the channels.

My dear best friend and roommate is trying to get me to go out to the bar with her. She knows everyone that’ll be there, all I know is her partner Frank. I mean considering he’s a killer vigilante, he’s quite nice.

And apparently, the other two are both friends of his. One is Curtis, I know he works with those who suffer PTSD. And I have no idea who the final guy is. Let’s hope he’s as nice as Frank and Curtis are because if not then we’ll have problems. I Don’t know who else this someone else is. Mainly because she won’t tell me.

“Y/N!” She yelled, “Get your ass up, go get a cute jumpsuit on and let’s get going”

“It takes more than a jumpsuit to make me cute” I grumbled,

“I didn’t say you were cute. I just said get a cute jumpsuit” She said.

I glared at her, “Listen, if you want me to join you, you should consider being nicer to me. And let's not forget that I’ve got so much work to do. I don’t have time to go out. I see all my friends either at work, at home or scheduled in appointments”

“You’ve not got any work to do tonight babes. I know this, you have a day off and you mean it as a day off”

“Well, I need to go to the gym. Haven’t been since yesterday”

“You really don’t need to go gym either. Come on, let’s go get you ready”

I let out a whine, “I hate you”

“No, you don’t. Now come on”

I got up and she went to grab my clothes whilst I started on my makeup.

I didn’t do too much, mainly because I wasn’t feeling it tonight. Once I got changed and finished my makeup, I went out to join Karen.

“You look amazing. Now come on, we’re half an hour late already”

“You would’ve been on time if you didn’t drag me with you” I grumbled but we still left and took my car.

I honestly have a nice car, I have a good job, I work as a personal trainer and have got my own team of trainers. I also own a gym, where my team and I work. It’s successful enough, we all have our own high-end clients, we all train in different areas so there’s some of my team who are fighters, either ex-navy or ex-marines. Others are ex-fighters, used to specialise in MMA and then their own fighting style. Then there are others that went to college doing sports science, and enjoy sports and know how to train the body to lose weight or get in shape depending on the client. There are 20 that work for me altogether. But in the last few years, the team has really grown. And I’m proud of the company that we’re growing together, the brand I’ve created. But of course, I can’t do any work tonight because I’m being dragged out by my dear best friend.

“You haven’t got work tomorrow have you?” She asked when we were in the car.

“I’ve just got paperwork to do, a few collaborations with businesses, and need to get back to some potential clients, need to prepare a few things, I don’t even know”

“You overwork yourself you know. You need to find yourself a man, calm down a little”

“Ehh, I wanna work on growing my company first. I can find a man another day”

“Uh huh. You know you can multitask right?”

“Yeah, but I want to give it my complete attention to let it grow, a man will just be a distraction”

“Ok, well considering you’re working tomorrow are you drinking tonight?”

I smiled and shook my head, “Nah, I’ll be the designated driver for you and whoever else as long as they treat my car with respect”

“Uh huh. Then don’t give that open invite to anyone else”

I chuckled and we got there within 15 minutes. When we met everyone, well Frank looked at his watch and started laughing, “This has got to be the longest I’ve ever waited for you, you know” Frank said to Karen once they had both kissed in greeting. She sat beside him and I joined them in the circular booth and sat beside Curtis.

“Well she,” Karen said looking across at me, “Decided she didn’t want to join us, but I didn’t really give her a choice so getting her ready took forever itself”

“See, Bill decided he would meet us here and still hasn’t turned up”

“That’s if he turns up” Curtis added

“Wish I had that option,” I said smirking at Karen but sat down with them all, “But hey, how you both doing?”

“We’re good Y/N. How about you?” Curtis asked with a kind smile,

“Busy with work is how I am. But good other than that”

“And how’s business going?”

I nodded, “Good. Really good actually. Couldn’t ask for much more at this point”

“Yeah because all she literally does is work.” Karen said to them a small smile on her face, 

“Sounds like someone else we know. Here he is, thought you weren’t going to show Billy Boy” Frank said to his friend, Billy apparently.

Billy is a tall, handsome bearded guy. He was wearing a very nice and expensive looking suit. He had scars running down the left side of his face but nevertheless was still incredibly attractive.

“Well, I knew that if I didn’t turn up you would be on my ass about never going out,” He said sitting down beside Karen as she and Frank moved across, and looking at us all,

“Who’s she?” He asked bluntly looking at me,

“Y/N, she’s Karens best friend and roommate, Y/N this is sadly my brother Billy,” Frank said introducing us both

I nodded, “Hi”

He grunted in response, “See if you told me someone else was here, I definitely wouldn’t have turned up” He grumbled.

I rose my eyebrows in amusement, isn’t he an obnoxious one.

“Karen, what drinks do you want?” I asked her ignoring him,

“I’ll start with a margarita” She smiled,

I nodded, and got up, “Get me a whisky” I heard Billy say I rolled my eyes but grabbed my clutch and went to order from the bar.

I ordered myself a virgin mojito, Karen’s margarita and Billy’s whisky,

“Can I have this come a few minutes after the other two please?” I asked while paying, I mean sure I’ll get his whisky, but he doesn’t need to know this right away.

“One Margarita and one Virgin Mojito?” The waiter asked with two drinks a few minutes after I had sat back down.

“Didn’t you get my whisky?” Billy asked.

“Oh, shit. You thought that you could be rude to me then ask for drinks?” I asked him, “Sorry sweetie it doesn’t work like that,” I told shrugged, 

He glared at me and huffed out a sigh, “Karen you didn’t tell me that your friend was such a sensitive bitch”

“Oh did she not. Then I’ll quickly mention it. Karen's friend is a bitch so don’t treat her like shit”  I smiled at him.

Franks jaw hung slightly open as he looked at Billy who was glaring at me, a few seconds after a waitress came with his whisky.

She placed it in front of him but he still had a glare on his face, “Ok wow. This has been fun and we’re only two minutes in” Curtis murmured while sipping on his own drink.

Billy took this whisky and necked it back, all while maintaining eye contact.

“Yeah, it’s going to be a long night,” Karen said adding on to what Curtis said.

Despite what the two were saying the night wasn’t that bad. I mean Billy, prick of the year let me tell you that. He’s lovely to his friends, have a few banterous jokes with them, nice to anyone in passing the people serving our food, but then so rude to me. 

Not that I mind, I mean I know how to handle a dickhead or two. It didn’t stop me from having fun. But for real, he was nice to look at, if I’m honest. His beard trimmed to perfection, his hair slicked back nicely, and the suit he wore. Damn this man gave a different meaning to a man in a suit, shame that his personality turns him into something no one would want. 

You could tell he was well off, the way he held himself, the things he was wearing, right down to his shoes. You could also tell that he served alongside Frank. But I’m sure that he didn’t get his scars from the war.

I don’t know how the conversation got to couples and partners, but it did. Well, it started off by Frank and Karen talking about how they ended up together.

“You got any guys lined up then Y/N?” Frank asked with a smirk on his face.

I grimaced at that, “Don’t have time for that” I shrugged.

“Oh come on, you need to make time, I mean I’m pretty sure we all know your type, what's stopping you from finding that” Karen had a shit-eating grin plastered on her face, both her and Frank waiting on answer almost from me. Curtis just laughed with a shake of his head and I rolled my eyes,  

“For real, I don’t have the time or patience. I just about have time for myself, I mean like what is my type, for my type to be specific”

“Well...” Karen started,

“She likes a well-dressed man. Whenever she’s third wheeling and checking guys out. They’re always well dressed” Frank said pointing at me. 

I snorted, “A good fashion sense is key, and excuse me. You’re the one who crashes my coffee dates with Karen. And then you guys make me leave, this is after I’ve paid” 

“Shh, we live together it's ok. But the next point is a beard. She likes a well-groomed beard, you see anyone on anywhere that has a good beard and that’s it for you”

I rested my head back and let out a small laughed, “That’s true though. So true. It makes all the difference for me”

“What else is there?” Frank asked.

I lifted my head up and look at them, “How about no. That’s enough, there’s like no one in this bar that fits that criteria. And I honestly don’t have time for that type of shit”

“Listen, you work too hard and need to rest sometimes”

Considering she first-hand sees how hard I work. She’s always on my case about relaxing a bit. But I know as soon as I’m confident that my business and work life are where they need to be. I will relax. Until then I’ll prioritise my work life.

“Billy boy is the same aren’t you Bill,” Frank said, “No time to play just work, work and work”

“Well, when you’re running a successful business like I do. Then its justifiable”

“What do you do?” I asked him.

He rolled his eyes at me but still answered, “I run a business called Anvil. A security firm”

I nodded, I’d heard of it. Him saying that and I know I’ve heard of him before as well. Think his name is Russo. A dangerous man, who’s done a lot of bad things but redeemed himself.

I nodded at his answer, “That’s nice”

He had a glare set on his face once again, “You got something you wanna say?” he asked.

I shrugged, “Nah. Was just curious is all”

“I really didn’t think the two of these would clash like this” Frank muttered to Karen who laughed a little at this as did Curtis.

“What did you think would happen?” Billy asked them, he stared at them, and I just realised this was a potential set up, “Fucking hell. You’ve been trying to set us up, haven’t you? That’s why you were so adamant on me joining, and why you’ve been interrogating her”

The three of them were sat there with innocent smiles on their faces.

“I don’t need someone who’s probably a gold digger hanging around. And who says I’m ready for this shit after last time huh?”

“You walked into the last one yourself buddy,” Frank said to him whereas I just clocked on to what he said,

“Who are you calling a gold digger when I’m the one who’s been buying your drinks?”

“Well, clearly you are. I’ve watched how you’ve been drooling all over me, what I’m wearing. Probably trying to figure out how many figures I make, asking what type of business I run”

I snorted at that, “Oh sweetie. You really are an arrogant, obnoxious prick aren’t you?” I questioned leaning forward slightly. 

“And you’re a condescending bitch. You don’t see me calling you out”

“You literally just did. And let’s not forget the comments you’ve been making towards me”

“All I’ve been saying is the truth princess”

“Right, a gold digger, a sensitive bitch? You got a little butt hurt because I let you wait for your drink rather than you being a demanding ass just because you didn’t get it right away”

“Yeah a sensitive bitch. I mean whenever someone starts talking about something you don’t wanna be talking about you completely swerve the conversation”

“Am I now? At least I’m talking you're sat there acting all moody because you didn’t get told that a stranger would be sat here with you guys”

“Well, considering the way you acted when I said I’m CEO of Anvil”

My jaw dropped, “How did I act huh? Tell me because I know for a fact you're imagining things now”

He had a grimace on his face and shook his head, “Nah, see you may have hidden it well. I’ll give you that, but not well enough”

“You’re actually the sensitive one now. Wow. And you’re overreacting. What is there for me to say anyway?”

He didn’t say anything instead if looks could kill, I would be dead right now. He didn’t like what I was saying, everyone else was shocked at what was being said and I know for a fact that this wouldn’t be diffused anytime soon.

“Listen I’m going to go pay what I need to pay. Did you want me to pick you up later Karen?” I asked her.

“It’s alright. I’ll probably stay with Frank tonight alright”

I smiled and nodded at her, I sad bye to Frank and Curtis, apologised to them both and went to pay for my tab before leaving.

I cannot believe I had to endure sitting there with such an obnoxious prick.

** 

Little Miss CEO Part 2

[my-love-peterp]

Mistaken Chapter Six

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE ADDED TO THE TAGLIST DROP ME AN ASK

please like and rb/comment <3

Word Count: 2721 (this actually comprises chapters 7 and 8 on Ao3)

THERE ARE NO ENDGAME SPOILERS, THIS IS A DELAYED UPLOAD FROM AO3

Fic Summary: Peter Parker has been given the responsibility of bringing in a new recruit. Now, as an adult, he realizes that none of the trashy YA novels he read in high school could have prepared him for this. There was a storm on the horizon, and all they could do from the Tower is watch.

Chapter Summary: it... it is a thing. Good luck friends lol

Warnings: smut and language and that’s probably it. mentions of death and gun violence probably, it’s been a while since I wrote this

Chapter One   Chapter Two   Chapter Three   Chapter Four   Chapter Five

We sat, assessing one another and picking at our plates of food, more for something to do with our hands, as opposed to nothing at all. In those moments I could just read in his body language the fact that he had put two and two together and remembered why I looked so familiar. He had been responsible for training my sister when she failed on missions, whereas I had never had to face the wrath of the Winter Soldier and his handlers. For a year or so after we escaped, my sister and I saw his face in every passing stranger, terrified Hydra was coming back to reclaim us.

Because to Hydra, we weren’t members of a team, as they had initially led my sister and I to believe. We were their property, attack dogs trained to be set loose every once in a while. Caged, every other time. I let my fork clatter to the table before folding my fingers underneath my chin to support my head as I stared at the man across from me.

Barnes followed suit, pushing his plate away and leaning back in his chair. His ice blue eyes flashed to mine before he took a sharp breath in and out and then spoke for the first time since he’d walked through my door just under an hour ago.

“So, were you sent here to bring me in? Wanda doesn’t seem to think so but I’ve known Hydra for a few more decades than she has, so I’m warier.” Simple and to the point. Disciplined even, to any onlookers there might have been. But, as a fellow survivor of Hydra saw all his tells, the brightness of his eyes, the clenched teeth and slightly hunched shoulders. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he wasn’t fully seated either, prepared to spring up at any moment, despite his look of nonchalance.

“You should trust Wanda more. No, soldat, I didn’t come to bring you in. You know,” I said, chuckling drily, “I thought this conversation was going to happen years ago but in reverse. Did no one from Hydra come looking for us? Before they went under? Or were Nadia and I just new playthings for you and yours?” I asked, ice coating my harsh tone.

Bucky flinched at my use of Russian and again at the name of my sister. So he did remember us. Somehow, that didn’t make me feel any better about his presence here.

“Our superiors were… rather distracted by certain developments and felt that you all would return to your homes. I guess their arrogance finally got the better of them in that regard. And then, with the new threat of Thor, Steve and Tony and the convergence of the Avengers on the world scale, they more than likely shoved your files deep down. Though I’d imagine your recent resurfacing has been noted by rogue Hydra factions that are still operating around the globe.”

A solid enough explanation for why no one had come for Nadia and I. Another thing I had to thank the Avengers for, I supposed. “So, what happens now? Wanda has seen all she needed to see to support me. Where will the others fall in line?”

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, leaning forward so his elbows rested on the table. “Steve believes Wanda and is willing to work with you. Same goes for Natasha and Clint and the Maximoffs. Tony… well, he may get over this sooner than he did before but I wouldn’t count on it. We still haven’t figured our shit out, though I was the one who killed his parents in person. But I didn’t do it in my right mind. That’s the difference between the two of us I suppose.”

I laughed, darkly at first before it rapidly became hysterical, but I managed to keep a handle on the powers inside of me. “You really think I was in my right mind Barnes? After years of the torture and abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents to then be rescued and groomed by an evil organization when I was barely twelve? Not even close. But by the time I realized what Hydra really was, it was too late. They weren’t letting us go, not without exacting a terrible price.”

Barnes sighed and looked back at me, eyes softening almost imperceptibly. “You did come here willingly. And you show no ill intent, despite your obvious penchant for self-destructive tendencies.” I couldn’t exactly disagree. “I think you’ll find that you’ll fit right in with this merry little band of superpowered misfits. We’re all a little broken here.”

Nodding, I pushed back my chair and stood up, grabbing my plate to dump its contents into the trash can when Barnes spoke again. “You’re not on lockdown anymore. I would advise against leaving the Tower, but this is your home now. Not a prison. And we’d like for you to treat it that way. Just… maybe avoid tony for a little while.”

Yeah, easy enough when you live a few doors away from the guy. But, Barnes did have a point. He stood and moved to the door and wished me goodnight before slipping through the door without a backward glance.

I tossed and turned that night, but not due to overwhelming nightmares, which was a welcome change of pace. No, my skin itched and my brain raced, looking for something to hold on to, looking for any sort of distraction. My body begged me to take action, to do something. After days of being laid up, even just a simple jog sounded like it would hit the spot for my restless limbs.

I gave in at around two in the morning, throwing on my leggings, slick work out short and tennis shoes before pulling my hair back. Then I was out the door and down to the rec level of the Tower, which was like a carnival for enhanced people.

For the first hour, I thought I was alone as I ran a few miles, lifted so small-ish weights and completed over a hundred sit-ups, which isn’t a lot, but it wasn’t half bad for a warm up. It wasn’t until I was shadow boxing that I realized I wasn’t alone. I felt a rapturous presence behind me and to the left. So I spun quickly and jabbed at the face of the intruder, only to punch… two feet?

“Hey, don’t you know it’s rude to touch someone else’s feet without consent. Could sue you for harassing me, you know.”

Parker. Spidey, it seemed, had decided to literally hang out behind me, upside down, suspended from the ceiling. “What do you want Buggy?” I asked as if nothing had transpired between us over the past few, very eventful dates.

“Sometimes I just hang around here at night. Calms me down, plus the ceilings are high enough that I can practice some more… out of the box acrobatics without embarrassing myself and ending up on the front page of the Daily Bugle again. You know how they are.” I did actually. Their constant tirade against Spider-Man was one of the few things that actually made me laugh out loud.

But I totally understood the need for peace and quiet and to kind of get rid of the riff-raff. So I smiled brightly and asked Buggy if he could show me how exactly he managed to get that tensile strength in the material he used for his webs.

To say Peter was like a toddler around science would be an understatement. But it made us both happy. So we went, the past firmly behind us.

Peter and I spent the rest of the night in the labs. Mostly, it was just Peter demonstrating how each of his projects worked, like the changes he was making to his web formula and improvements he was making to his suit to change the way he could interface with his A.I. Karen.

Sometime later, as the sun was sluggishly rising, FRIDAY gently (for an AI) reminded Peter and me that now would be the only time to shower, eat and dress before training commenced for the day. At the reminder, Peter simply grimaced, and I returned the expression. What was waiting for me down on the common floor couldn’t possibly be good. Peter pushed down the sleeves of his sweatshirt nervously and gestured for me to follow him as he stepped into the elevator.

Down on the common floor, everyone was nursing their own cup of coffee, steam billowing into their faces. Well, everyone except Thor. He had a beer stein full of chocolate milk that he nearly chugged as he giddily bounced up and down in his seat, the godly equivalent of a toddler and golden retriever wrapped in one muscly package of happiness and positivity.

Without a word, Pietro handed Peter and I both our own coffees. Mine was an iced cold brew. Some deep, nearly dead part of me was touched that he remembered my disdain for hot, weak drinks. He winked at me as he turned back to return to his spot next to the fridge, but not before swiping another donut from the breakfast bar. Something must have happened before Peter and I arrived because Clint and Sam both glared daggers at Pietro.

“So...” I began, “we going to talk about the elephant in the room or ignite it until we hit the training rooms and punch it out?”

Steve and Wanda looked up sharply from the food in front of them, taking not so sneaky glances at the others. Tony was gripping his coffee mug so hard, if he’d been anyone else in the room, it would have shattered. Sam just looked weary and Bucky... he was leaning up against the sink, arms crossed over his chest. He almost looked disappointed.

“Punching it out seems to be the winner. If you have a problem with me or need questions answered, you know how to get them. Beyond that, I’m not leaving so don’t even try.” I began choking up out of nowhere. “I’m not letting those bastards take another home from me. You all have always been nothing but kind and I treated that kindness with deception and indifference. But I’m going to blame that on the whole, kindness being a completely new experience for me. Obviously, I mean everyone here no harm...” I petered off, not knowing what to say to get my feelings across. I looked around, lost, capturing the gazes of Pietro and Bucky, who both just nodded back at me.

Bucky pushed off of the counter and approached me, laying a hand on my shoulder. “Kaida is no more Hydra than I am. If you trust in me, be open to trusting her. We’ve all... made mistakes.”

Yeah, that’s one way to put it.

Even Thor looked uncomfortable at this point and Tony was just straight up heading for the elevator without a backward glance. Bruce trailed after him, shrugging apologetically. Seconds that felt like hours passed and finally, the elevator began to descend to the lab floors.

“Alright team, move out. We have work to do,” Steve said in his most Captain-y voice. And damn if it wasn’t kind of hot. I wasn’t the only one who thought so. I could tell just from the shift from light blue to icy gray in Bucky’s eyes that he was going to be pulling Rogers into his room later. Or sooner, depending on how tight his shirt was today

Hours and buckets of sweat later and the whole team broke for lunch. As expected, no one took me up on my offer but we still weren’t pre-incident buddies anymore. Bucky and Pietro seemed most inclined to stick by my side while Wanda was off with Vision. Peter gave me these weird agonizing glances from across the main training floor the whole time. The kid was weird. Who knows what he got up to in his own brain.

Anyways, I knew what I had to do as soon as I stepped on to the elevator, moments after everyone else left to the cafeteria area. There was a confrontation that was way overdue.

As soon as I stepped out on to the slightly grimy linoleum floor of the lab, Bruce looked up and blanched before quickly shoving his papers and laptop into a satchel and bounding for the elevator before it closed behind me.

“Good luck,” he muttered shakily. I nodded in thanks and a moment later he was gone. A quick look around told me that Tony must be in a back room somewhere, probably grabbing parts. In the background, Black Sabbath tinkled through the inlaid speaker system.

“Brucey, darling, do you want to go with blue or green for the new nanotech in Veronica?? Or maybe purple, unless that would be too on the no-.” He quickly cut himself off as he came waltzing around the corner of desks and displays to see me perched on his stool.

“Get out,” he growled, standing stock still, shoulders tense. When I didn’t move, he did, reaching for the minibar he had installed on the wall opposite me, pulling out a bottle of scotch and taking a swig.

“Well if it’s going to be that kind of party...” I drawled darkly before reaching down into my gym bag and pulling out my flask of bourbon and followed suit. Tony didn’t exactly roll out the welcome wagon after that but he did seem to relax a bit. At the very least, he didn’t summon what was left of the Iron Legion protocol to physically remove me from his presence.

“Why are you here Kaida?” Tony finally asked, ice coating his words as they pierced into me in ways I wasn’t expecting.

“Is it so odd for a former assassin to check up on her friends? I mean, it would be a shame to just throw everything away for a simple misunderstanding right? At the very least we have to work and live together. Unless you intend to kick me out?” I stared Tony down, waiting for that explosive anger that I knew he was trying to shove deep down.

“Oh Kaida, we were never friends. We fucked. But I’d fuck anything with two legs and a rack. I think you know that as well as I do. The only reason I ever gave up that life was Pepper and, well, you know exactly how that turned out.”

“Again, not my doing. I was long gone by the time someone executed the hit they had on her.”

“But you knew and you did nothing. Warned no one. You know, it’s not like I’m hard to find. A literal skyscraper that used to have my name on it not stand out to you?”

“I-,” I began, searching for any explanation for my inaction. As terrible as it was to admit, I’d simply never considered interfering with Hydras plans. I was much more concerned with keeping my sister and myself alive at the time.

“You know,” Tony said, interrupting my frantic, guilty train of thought, “some kid once told me that when you have the powers and abilities that we do and do nothing, then the bad things that happen, they happen because of you. Maybe you should chew on that for a little while Kaida. I won’t kick you out but I don’t want to see your face around my space for a long while.”

And then, like a switch flipped in my body, hot rage filled me. What did this entitled, rich snob know about being a kid my age and seeing the shit I’d seen? When he was my age he was partying every night and wrecking Bentley’s and Aston Martin’s like it was nothing, like nothing mattered to him at all.

“Maybe you should grow a pair then Stark. You’re really angry, huh? Prove it. Fight me. Kick me out. We both know I can take it. You saw the bruises when I first moved in. Couldn’t be missed with that lack of clothing when we first got acquainted. Do your worst.”

Suddenly he was in my face again, hatred and something else raged in his eyes. Maybe not hatred at me, but at the reaction, I could always weasel out of him. Had been doing for my past few weeks at the Tower.

Stark slammed his bottle down on the desk right beside me before wrapping his hand through the hair at the back of my hair hard, twisting and pulling me forward before viciously kissing and biting my neck. It was painful but not in a way that made me inclined to push him away.

“God I hate you so much,” he said and he ripped my shirt up and over my head before taking a step back.

“Wanna be useful? Turn around and bend over the desk, hands behind your back. And don’t move a muscle.”

I did as he said, breath coming out in gasps.

Oh, this was bad.

Really bad.

Or maybe really good.

TAGLIST: @peeterparkr @laurfangirl424 @private-bucky-barnes

[sleepyverstappens]

F, G, I, U ☺️

Thank you for sending these in :D. I’ll stick with F1 fic/writers for F and U, because they’re fresher on my mind I guess. 

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

This is so difficult, I’ll do two okay and that’s already way less then I could’ve added here xD. 

“Max, I’m serious. If someone found out. God this is all kinds of wrong, you do realise that right.You’re so young still and I’m your team principal, there’s a power difference here it’s gonna look like I forced you into this. God I did, didn’t I? I just barged in here and took what I pleased, fuck. Fuck!”

And no, no that won’t do. He’s not gonna let Christian think he’s forced him into this. He was stupid to let this happen again for sure, but nobody forces him to do anything especially not this.

“No one forces me to do anything, you of all people should know that by now Christian!” He hisses back, all of a sudden very much aware of the people still roaming the energy station again.

“No one will believe that Max. This can’t happen again, for real this time. And delete those goddamn pictures!” Christian says before he slams the door closed behind him, leaving Max alone, naked and shivering. Not from the cold though, no from once again getting rejected by the older man.

I really liked this bit, because it feels like I really nailed both Christian and Max’s reactions. Christian is internally freaking out about it all and then he sees Max taking pictures and all that worry just spills out. And Max’s line about no one forcing him to do anything just feels very Max. He’s a stubborn guy both on and off track and I think with just those few words it really comes across?

“That’s different though. It’s about control I guess. That feeling of playing on the edge, on seeing how far I can go until you make me stop. Is it just giving up control for you?” Max asked.

“No, no I don’t think so. I guess it’s more like… like when you’ve got a bruise and press on it. Make it feel worse, but once you take your thumb away from the bruise it feels nice. Like when you twist a string around your finger until it turns blue, the way it feels when the blood rushes back in after you loosen the string. I guess, I guess it’s like that. The more you hurt me, the better it feels afterwards.”

I know it’s from a flashback scene in the Max/Lando fic, but I feel like it really explains why Lando is into getting hurt really well. Like I wrote in the fic itself it just explains it with simple examples of things everyone must have done at least once in their life. It was difficult to write a good explanation of why Lando was into painplay because it’s a tricky subject, but I think this worked out pretty well.

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

It kind of depends on the story. The longer ones are often written out of order, which sometimes makes it more difficult, because then you end up stuck with multiple scenes that you somehow need to connect. The shorter ones often come to me from start to finish. But I’ve learned that sometimes it’s just better to skip to a part further into the fic if you’re stuck with another scene. 

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

I think that would be outsider pov fics. Like it’s not necessarily a guilty pleasure though, because I will tell it easily, but there generally just aren’t a lot of outsider pov fics in fandoms, so when I find one it’s just like finding a hidden little gem. I also definitely would not be able to write them myself. As for a guilty pleasure in writing I guess it would be kid!fic again, I just can never resist writing my otps with a cute little kid. 

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

@hypersofts aka higgsbosonblues on AO3, I’ve told her many times before how much I love her TWAWBU verse. I totally got sucked into it and I think that’s kind of when I truly gave into this new fic fandom. Like I had been reading F1 fic for a while, but mostly as a bit of a guilty pleasure. But with this one I was really waiting for updates and reading them as soon as I got the email notifications. To think I actually skipped it a few times when I saw it in the Max Verstappen tag because I wasn’t sure based on the summary :O And of course her other stuff is amazing as well!

@captainfuu aka extremesofts on AO3, at first we actually randomly wrote a few fics with a similar-ish storyline which was really fucking random. But her fics are just so so good! They’re just so visceral and raw. I can’t really pick out a favourite right now, but I always know that when I see a new fic of hers I’m in for a treat :D

@itsmaxver aka lasorcas on AO3, she only started actually writing and posting her fics (in English at least) but they’re so good! And after talking to her a bunch I know there is some amazing stuff still in the pipeline as well. Like I’ve told her before she’s just so good at writing the surroundings in fic (something I struggle with myself) which just sets the scene so perfectly.  

[shytiff]

May Small Wins

1 - lazed, went to racheel’s place and put my motorbike there, went to slipi jaya with silvi devi reza to watch seobok (it was fun!!), had iftar at the yumz green sedayu. It was raining when we get back. prayed maghrib and isya in some random mosque. went back and arrived at like 8 past sumn. showered, slept like a babyy

2 - lazed, slept and woke up at like 11, went to nila’s house, practiced doing eyeliner by borrowing nila's (focallure brand), iftar at green sedayu foodcourt (originally intended to go to the yumz but it enforces actual distancing) with angkot ppl minus tik will. Arrived home at about 9-ish.

3 - magang as usual. Went to rm. Took mrt to lebak bulus. My inaco salary finally came. My head kinda hurts after tarawih. Ended up skimming over bj alex lmaooo. Did not shower today lol,,,,

4 - added dr dafsah's revision to the excel database otw to rsf. Pak nardi took a while to arrive. Left rsf early to go to the bank. I (((finally))) activated m-banking lmaooo wow the features are neat wow im not jahiliah anymore. Found this method of just let it sweat anyway during tarawih lmaoo. Preferably with long sleeves bcs somehow you feel less of the sweaty feel compared to tshirt.

5 - sampling - data entry - RM as usual. Theres no new RM. Read a goood dramione fic by bex chan even if its not complete, its okay. Im okay :"))). Iftar was soup, salad, chicken katsu and french fries. Its been 2 days that i practiced sleeping-to-rain-sound. The first night was spent as a dreamless quick sleep (its over before you knew it), but tonight i dreamed abt almira's wedding lmaoo.

6 - no sampling today!! Still went to rsf tooo go to the mall w regen lmao. Did some data entry. Went to PP by mrt. Went back by going to halte gbk and thankfully the kalideres one arrived after only waiting for 5 mins. Its surprisingly quick, compared to lebak bulus - pesakih trip. Took abt 20 mins to jelambar.

7 - no sampling today too. Dr vera gave us lebaran cookies! Did gcp for bu suryati a5. Went to rm, finally finished the available rm. Went home early. Can finally relax since its the weekend.

8 - literally laid in bed til my body hurts. Rly want to read sumn but dunno what. Finally decided to read momoiro heaven. And rere hello. And after iftar i read lack of love. And just like tht, my saturday was gone. Cant bring myself to do things

9 - its another day of lazying (or self sabotaging, cant tell). Read spy family and its effin hilarious. Wasted my sunday. Cant bring myself to even move and i just laid in bed all day.

10 - last day of work in the weeekend lmao. Felt better than being in AR, but still not that much productivity. Went to RM. Phone call w fianti along the way to plan food in almira's bridal shower. Went back at 12-ish. Picked up my dress from risma busana. Walked to and fro halte kebon jeruk. Prayed zuhur close to ashar in kfc's mushola. Felt better after ~8k steps. Had homelab's green tea mixed with vsoy. It honestly made me feel better. Matcha, or caffeine, sure is amazing. At least i had a sense of normalcy before losing all the will to self-care

11 - consumed internet entertainment u til i was sick and tired of it. Watched a lot of cut videos. Granny came and stayed over. So i slept upstairs

12 - same as 11 but upstairs. More relatives came near iftar time so i excused myself to shower. Slept in mom n dads room at like 12-ish. Watched hp goblet of fire since keisha and karins newest obsession was draco. We squealed together over liking enemies to lovers trope haha,,,,

13 - Somehow all of dad's jakarta relatives came for lebaran. the last time i checked, there were some bridges being burned. prayed eid at home. watched perempuan tanah jahanam (which was surprisingly not scary). ate. napped. talked about personal things w keisha and karin. i cant believe the time has finally come where we talk about this kinda stuff. watched you’re next (it barely has any plot, just gore). they went back at about 8 pm and i just sleptttt yall lmao i didnt shower today. disgusting, i know

14 - cam barely get out of bed. Managed to shower at zuhur time. Watched dalbang and laughed like crazy bcs its just that funny. Read fanfics. Tiktok. Ate once and had greenfield yogurt at the evening. Fell asleep. Woke up at 1 and snacked on 1 pack of oat krunch

15 - run bts. Originally planned to go to flavola but it was still closed, so i went to dm's dunkin. Ordered orange juice and oeanut choco donut but somehow the price wasnt package price hhh. Turns out my clires account was somehow banned. So i contacted the admin. Instead of doing dr dafsah's excel i ended up taking off the makara sticker from my laptop. Bought some stuff for almira's bridal shower. Bought arirang at hari2 (its funny bcs yesterday i was seeing online marketplace, planning to buy it, but turns out hari2 the magical place had buy 2 get +1 deal for arirang.

16 - run bts. Managed to move my body a bit. Did 20 squats (ill elaborate on this later). That improved my mood. Tidied up some of my stuff. Saw the paper bag of random memorabilias by friends.

17 - went to rsf by tj. left kalideres 06:45 and arrived at RSF 8:15. sampling. went to RM (still no new ones). picked up by mom. went to salemba for almira’s bridal shower. originally planned to get padang at citra minang behind BK but it was closed. so we drove around looking for open ones. ended up buying it in a small (but crowded) padang place near a big padang restaurant lmao. was the first one to arrive at acacia. checked in, pulled the bed near the wall. showered. its hilarious sometimes with a bit more serious discussion anjayy. went home w febby who drove and clara

18 - went to mcd to get lunch (since everyone’s fasting) and tried to muster the will to do something. i didnt manage to do anything except shopping online (brought dusty pink hijab at hijup). got spicy chicken and iced coffee. (spoiler alert: tomorrow i got mencret2 lmaooo). read my suha and beyond the skidipapap its actually rly good

19 - went to RSF (with mom as usual. quickly snapped RM pictures while mom was waiting. went with her to mami’s house bcs she and uwak will fly to banjar. finally got to meet haekal, he’s such a smiley babyy its basically free therapy. planned outing with nisa lmao. from soekarno hatta we went to vintage vibes lmao since we’re already out. vintage vibes is more crowded now. and there’s less good findings now. went back emptyhanded. ate chicken arirang since there’s no food. fell asleep at like 06:30 until early morning lmaooo

20 - woke up at 2-ish am, played my phone, fell asleep at like 9?, woke up again at 11 lmaooo. went to sbux. had matcha latte. did some inaco work. todays the most productive ive been this week.

21 - went to gi with febby to also meet up with fi, bought falsies and glue (later proved to be of a horrible quality), siraman and pengajian almira (first time seeing an actual siraman), went to blok m w nes ren ara gen. Tried naruto takoyaki at little tokyo, went to daitokyo (i didnt eat anything), and got matcha cake, sakura and mango raspberry gelato at kebun ide. Picked up by mom. Renata gifted me bts 2021 winter package photocard 🥺🥺

22 - iluni internship webinar by dr naldo. Grabbed fried chicken master. Stupid time management etcetc made my start makeup at 12 (febby went out at 13:30). My falsies and hijabdo was done by herrr thank god for the help. Went to swissbel. Didnt take a pic w almira bcs time. Almiras wedding at damai indah golf pik. My skin was TERRIBLE at the wedding. The make up didnt stick prolly bcs of vitacid. Thank god for masks,,, went back home w febbyy. Made tiktok lmao

23 - lazed. Went to flavola. Its finally daytime caffeine again w kopsuscok. Did dr triya's translation work and finished it at home. She transferred the fee at like 11pm

24 - off to RSF with mom. no new medical records. wrote fuad’s name on the medrec borrowing form. continued to nisa’s place w mom. lazed, played w haekal, put some patient’s phone number on the inaco excel. Off to GBK with nisa and sarah. parked at abc field (shouldve parked near GBK’s H gate). saw moja museum 2.0, took lots of pics. mo paint (moral lesson: draw the background first!! not the foreground). finished at 16:30. ashar at masjid al-bina. nisa dropped me off at gbk tj station. prayed maghrib on the bus since the traffic was so ughh. met atikah in lippo puri. decided to eat seirockya so we walked to puri. talked about a certain someone along the way. we rly talked about it while walking until we arrived at seirockya. atikah treated me uyeyy since she and racheel will stay in depok for 2 weeks starting tomorrow. got the shoyu ramen and gyoza. took the taxi to atikah’s place. mom’s waiting there lmaoo i was like “noo dont wait at jco, just wait at atikah’s”. still felt energized that night in my bed. no sleepy2. like 100% awake. 

25 - woke up at like 9:30. i basically did nothing today. didnt even shower lmao (i showered last night). read the good teacher in one go. zoom meeting w dr eva. i rly need some structure in life, goshhh

26 - showered and went to mcd. got nasi uduk, breakfast wrap and milo for 26k (thanks mcd app promo and mcd duta garden’s menu machine, i dont have to interact with another human). planning to do dr dafsah’s excel after all the data is complete, and still no new inaco data, so i ended up.... online shopping at bobobobo....... (bought outer and white culotte). tidied up the writings on my stickies (plenty of words has accumulated). ordered onejai for emir juan (expensive!!! 79k no promo lolll but free delivery. i was baited by gojek’s 1k 2 week subscription and felt like hmmm i should get something since we live in the middle of nowhere and free deliveries felt significant at that particular time when im holding my phone lmao). fell asleep after drinking vsoy + matcha lol its soft caffeine no longer works i guess

27 - woke up late as usual, went to sbux at 1 pm. tried white peach matcha frapp. the peach overpowers and u can barely taste the matcha. tried to read something useful (in medicine) but skimmed 2 ppt and then i saw solid’s bitly for isip. finished reading banana fish. couldnt bawl my eyes out because im outside.

28 - checked out rsf. Still no new ones. Immediately went back. Lazed and wasted my time

29 - iluni webinar. Here comes the impending life crisis. Ate nasi uduk and mie goreng telor today. Tried vsoy golden grain with matcha. It has almond aftertaste. Line call with kris for almost 4 hrs until 11 past sumn pm.

30 - more iluni webinar. Dr Eric, SpPD, PhD was rly cool. Tried daily box (butter soy chicken). Quite tasty. Mkg w regen. Videocalled in the mall w silvi racil bcs its ale and nadaa's wedding today. Bought gooma 500ml matcha w gofood pickup discount. Ate sushi go (the shoyu has mirin btw). 50k+ you get 6 piece of sushi (2 salmon) and matcha cake and ocha. Quite a nice deal. Talked abt cryptocurrency lmao. Went back and forth w TJ. All hail tj

31 - planned to do at least some productive stuff at home. turns out nila is outside and had some time to spare. so we went out. i met her in citra 6. we went to pik’s white beach. its scorching hot since its 2 pm. spent like 15 mins there. we had wanted to stop by monsieur spoon but THERES A QUEUEEE even if its a hot afternoon. so we ate tom sushi at green sedayu. talked a bit afterwards in nila’s place and then i was picked up by emir. tried gooma’s matcha. its not sweet like sbux. approved by mom (who doesnt like sweets). but its more expensive than sbux’s 2L 100k promo lol. (45k after gopay pickup promo for 500 ml). reread bj alex lmaooooo found new tidbits

[evakuality]

Archetype fic infodump

Because I thought far too often about this in far too much detail before I started writing, here is a small glance into the bts ideas behind this archetype fic of mine.  The final (!!!!) chapter is written and with my betas, and this is here now because I’m pretty sure there’s nothing new in the fic itself.  So there shouldn’t be spoilers in here for anyone who’s read up to chapter ten.  Okay, so first, I’ll put the notes I made for myself before I started writing.  Then I’ll try to answer specific questions or comments/theories people have had over the course of this thing.  Anything that was answered in the fic itself I tried to leave out (because it’s already so long ugh), and there was some stuff I added to the notes on chapter one which I didn’t bother to replicate.  If anyone has any questions about anything here, or wants more detail, please do ask.  I’m finding it hard to remember everything I thought about as I created this world, but I am perfectly willing to talk about this at length when prompted.  As this is mostly self indulgent (so self-indulgent; I feel quite cringey even posting it) I’d love to answer things other people want to know so I can indulge more than just myself.  As usual, this is long!  Keep yourselves hydrated while you read.

Characters and their types:

Even: Beast.

Isak: Outcast

Sonja = Beauty

Emma = another Outcast (note, we never met her in Even’s PoV even though we did briefly hear about her, but she was formative in Isak’s and so we may meet her in the Isak PoV sections)

Eskild = Fairy Godmother

Sana = the Seer

Jonas = the Wise Man

Magnus = the Fool

Mahdi = Prince Charming

Eva = Princess

Noora = Princess.  (fun fact: Noora was going to be a Charming, but then I decided that given how long the damn fic already was that I’d just make them both Princesses and have them out of archetype.  If I was going to do more with Noora, I do feel like Charming would work for her.)

Vilde = the Sidekick

Chris = the Sidekick

Elias = the Hero

Yousef = the Fool (in the sense that he tells the truth in an uncomfortable way)

Adam = The Sidekick

Mutta = the Sidekick

Even’s mother = Beast

Even’s father = Beauty

Isak’s mother = Beast (fun fact: I see her as the ‘Pack’ type discussed in the book Even finds)

Isak’s father = Beauty (we never meet him, but his absence was a factor in how Isak turned out, of course.  I see this relationship as one where the Beauty is mismatched to the Beast type and that’s at least partially why the whole thing fell apart)

Common archetypes (note, this isn’t an exhaustive list, just the ones mentioned in this fic):

Outcast, Charming, Wise Man, Princess, Fool, Sidekick, Hero

More rare archetypes:

Beast, Beauty, Damsel, Seer, Fairy Godmother

How does being a Beast affect Even [note, some of this didn’t make it into the fic itself] -- he’s expected to be dominant and aggressive, having temper tantrums and rages.  Needs ‘control’ to keep him in line.  He doesn’t enjoy this at all and it’s never felt truly natural to him.  Yearns to be allowed to be playful and ‘childish’ - reckless and free spirited.  ‘Director of his own life’ -- is allowed to be silly with Isak.  Running, jumping, little things like kissing in a stupid way through to big things like running naked through the streets or skinny dipping.  Adventure sports etc.

How does being an Outcast affect Isak [note, some of this changed as I was writing] -- he’s mistrustful, stays on the sidelines, feels left out, wary of society and pressures, fed up with expectations (eg the bad boy, the rebel, the player etc etc), simultaneously anxious and wants to fit in.  Creates his own little ‘in group’ with Even.  Finally feels like he fits.  Anti hero of a sort.  On the margins, never quite accepted.  Expected to end up with another outcast or to remain alone.  But he wants something more.  Is entranced by Even when he meets him, but very wary because he’s a Beast and is he only tame-ish because he’s with his Beauty.

Questions from various places:

I'm wondering if, given there's Beast's Beauty but then also Sleeping Beauty (and Snow White is also a lot/all about her beauty), if you're going to go into that? Like, different types of Beauties (maybe different types of Beasts?)?

Strangely prescient idea presented in the comments of chapter one by @fille-lioncelle.  The answer, of course, is yes.  There are different types of each of those things, though not quite in that way.  The types weren’t quite so structured as this, but the basic idea behind this is right: the types are a lot more complex than originally considered by many of the characters, and just as there are multiple Beast types, there are multiple Beauty types as well.

It was also heartbreaking to see how deeply internalized is Even's belief in the destructiveness of his beastly urges, so much so that he pushes away even good and positive beastly traits (like protectiveness and caring for others) because he's so conditioned to think beastly urges are a disaster.

Comment from @arindwell on chapter 3.  That was one of the things I most wanted to do with this fic: to show how destructive a rigid set of expectations and behaviours is for a society and the people in it.  That Even believes all his good traits are tied to being a Beast and that they will eventually, inevitably betray him and make him hurt the people around him was essential to his progress.  But it was really hard to actually do :(

It was also really interesting to find out that Isak has had to learn to behave like a Beauty because of his mom. It makes me interested in whether there are other people who have learned to take on characteristics of other archetypes for various reasons.

Comment by @arindwell on chapter 4.  This one, the answer is definitely yes even though we didn’t really see it in the fic itself.  That’s central to the nature/nurture premise: that the society has decided on these rigid ideas of what each type must be like, and any deviation is bad and wrong.  But, of course, human nature is not like that and we all have aspects of all traits.  It’s just to what degree and how they manifest, and hopefully that’s shown in this fic somehow.

I think in the last chapter you talked about how Isak learned to behave like a Beauty and that Even might have recognised that in him and it's just throwing so much more nature vs nurture questions at this haha are types genetic? Are there dominant and recessive ones? When can you tell?

Comment on chapter 5 by @fille-lioncelle.  Are types genetic?  No not really, at least not in a way I can quantify because I am not a scientist.  I mean, there’s a slightly higher chance for offspring of certain types to be those types but due to mystical fic magic there’s no real scientific genetic pattern here.  So, eg, Even the Beast is a product of a Beauty/Beast archetype pairing, and yet Isak the Outcast is the product of another.  Certain types are more common but that’s just a thing that happens.  Maybe it’s a hormonal thing?  Who knows?  Certainly not me.  So, of course, this mean there are no recessive/dominant genes etc etc.  However, when can you tell?  It’s something which is inherent in the kids, but they don’t get formally typed until they’re older toddlers (4-ish?)  So for those first few years, parents watch their kids like hawks going, ‘I wonder if he’s a Fool’ or ‘What a cute little Damsel’ etc etc and generally they a) know by the time of typing and b) have some pretty set expectations already when the typing does happen.

I was wondering - if Eskild is the Fairy Godmother type, how does that work? Do they usually find people to take care of, like a single person they choose to help and focus on? Or do they take care of multiple people in general, like specific types like Outcasts?

Comment by Rissa on chapter 5.  So, yeah in a way Fairy Godmother’s do like to have their little projects.  So they might adopt one or two special people to nurture and mother.  But they also just really like looking after everyone; their nature makes them want to make sure everyone is at ease and doing well.

Also, does everyone remain the type they are for the rest of their life, or do they change? And also, how are types determined when you're born?

Comment by Rissa on chapter 5.  Yeah, everyone keeps their archetype for their whole lives.  But as we’ve seen with Isak, they can adapt and take on traits of other types.  As for how the types are determined, this is one I’m a little fuzzy on.  ‘It just happens?’ was my go to hand wave while I was writing.  But basically, I imagine it as a process which is half observation and half testing.

You know what's really interesting? and stop me if I'm wrong haha, im just thinking out loud! But I think one of the main differences between Outcasts and Beauties (aside from the obvious ones) is that Outcasts seem very protective of others that they take under their wing. Kinda like a fairy godmother type, almost? But in that Outcasts take care of other types that maybe feel like Outcasts as well.

Comment by Rissa on chapter 7.  I think there’s definitely something in here.  The Outcasts do tend to take each other under their wings, and that’s why they make their little in groups.  When you’re pushed to the margins and assumed to not fit, you find those places to fit on your own.  So they are super sensitive to those close to them who also feel on the outer.  So of course, when Isak starts to get close to Even, his own feelings of alienation and being on the outside would have resonated with Isak and made him a lot more willing to drop his guard faster than usual.  But Jonas was right: they don’t usually do it for people outside their archetype and so isak is still a little unusual.

I wonder if, like gender and sexuality, they're treated differently by different groups throughout history.

Comment by @fille-lioncelle on chapter 9.  Yeah, pretty much.  I mean, Isak talks about that a little in chapter ten of course.  But it wasn’t until the church decided it needed a better way to control the population and started embedding the stories that things became so rigid and defined.  I’d like to take this chance to say I was a bit nervous about this idea because it’s about humans, of course, not religious beliefs themselves.  Church leaders, wanting to retain a power they felt slipping away, doing what they can to take it back and keep it for themselves.  It’s reflective of real things that real people did in our world but it’s not meant as a suggestion that religion itself is a problem.  Just the way it’s weaponized sometimes.

This makes me wonder if the subcategory thing applies to all the types? I'd think it would, or at least for most of them. Also, I wonder if it applies to Isak/what subtype he'd be.

Comment by @kapplebougher on chapter 9.  Well, as we’ve seen, yes other types do have subcategories as well.  The interesting thing about Outcasts, however, is that for the most part they don’t have any one single defining characteristic.  This is why Isak himself is able to say ‘I’m an Outcast because I’m attracted to guys’ - because it’s not as defined as the others.  Which makes it both easier to live with and harder in some ways.  But all this will be explored in a bit more detail when we get Isak’s PoV.

[builder051]

Come to me now and rest your head part 1: the day after Thanksgiving (MCU Captain America fanfic)

This is a re-post from AO3.

This is part 1 of a 15-chapter fic about Bucky’s return and recovery, as told through a year’s worth of rough holidays. Not every chapter will be emeto, but all have some form of physical illness or mental health struggle that could be categorized as sickfic or whump.

We are in powers/no powers choose-your-own-adventure.

Trigger warnings: vomiting

__________________________________________________________________

The first night Bucky comes back to Steve, it’s the day after Thanksgiving.  Of course, Bucky has no idea what day it is.  He just knows he’s so tired and so cold and his head’s been aching on and off for the past four or five months, and it might be a little worse tonight.

Bucky knocks on the door of the townhouse.  He hopes Steve will come quickly.  It’s raining, and though Bucky’s not drenched, he’s a certain amount of damp that’s adding significantly to his teeth-chattering discomfort.

He hopes Steve won’t come at all.  He hopes Steve’s out of town.  The last clear (well, clear-ish) memory of Steve he can drudge up seems to involve his fist connecting with Steve’s jaw.  So maybe they’re not friends…?  And that other, foggier, way-back idea of them sleeping together is something imagined…?  Bucky rubs between his eyebrows as if that would actually help alleviate anything.

There’s a soft sound of movement from inside the townhouse, and the deadbolt clicks before the door swings open.  Bucky doesn’t realize he’s leaning on the grey-painted wood until it’s not there anymore, and he manages to hold his own weight for about one second, just long enough to make eye contact through his wet, stringy hair, before he’s falling forward.  Vertigo steals any perception of directionality, and it’s only when Steve’s shoulder materializes under Bucky’s chin that he has any inkling of where he is in relation to anything else.

“Hey,” Steve whispers.  Bucky starts to sag against him, all previous apprehension and don’t touch me lost in a sudden and involuntary non-verbal hi I’m here and I kind of need you and I hope you’re ok with that.

They hug for a while.  Well, Steve hugs; Bucky hangs there limply.  The contrast of the warm house from the cold outside makes Bucky’s nose drip.  He breaks the silence with a loud sniff.

“Come in,” Steve says.  “Come sit down.”

Bucky struggles to get his feet underneath him and follows Steve through the entryway into the living room.  He sits on the couch when Steve gestures for him to do so.  Steve perches on the edge of the coffee table, offering a Kleenex and a throw blanket.  

Bucky’s sure Steve’s asking questions, but the words are getting lost somewhere between Steve’s mouth and his ears.  “You’re, um…hm.  Ok…” is about all he gleans.  Bucky’s so fucking tired.  It feels like cement is slowly pooling around him and enveloping his body in inescapable heaviness.  But at least it’s warm.

“Buck.”

It’s the first time Steve’s said his name in the few minutes they’ve been together.  It’s the first time anyone’s said his name in who-knows-how-long.  Bucky opens eyes he didn’t realize were closed.

“What can I do?  What’s gonna help the most?”

Bucky doesn’t have an answer.  He’s wet and shaky and exhausted and not feeling very well, and there are probably things that can be done to fix that, but Bucky can’t begin to imagine what they are.  He owes Steve something of an answer, though.

“I…um…?”  It’s truly the best he can do.  He opens his mouth again, but words don’t come.  Bucky shakes his head, brings on a wave of nauseous vertigo, and drops his face into his hand.

“It’s alright, ok?” Steve says.  He hovers his hand over Bucky’s knee.  “I’m just really glad you’re here.”

Bucky spends the next few minutes trying to drudge up a response, but fails miserably.  Instead he finally wipes the dribble of snot that’s traveled from his nose down over his upper lip where it’s lost in stubble.

“Are you hungry?”

Bucky has literally no idea.  He can’t remember the last time he ate.  He does have a feeling that his stomach hasn’t been treating him too well lately.

“I have all these leftovers,” Steve says.  “I was gonna make myself a plate.  I can get some for you?”

Steve’s voice goes up at the end, like he’s expecting an answer, but Bucky manages just a hitchy breath and another swipe of the Kleenex.

“Ok, I’ll just…how about something small.”  It’s less of a question this time.  “I’ll be right back.”  He gestures to the kitchen, which is widely visible from the living room.  “If you need me, or anything at all, just say so.”

Turning his head to look into the kitchen is borderline painful, so Bucky lets his eyes slide out of focus as he gazes forward toward the turned-off flat screen TV and listens to the sink running and the microwave whirring.  He feels like he’s bobbing just under the surface of sun-bleached lake water. Everything’s feeling somewhat nostalgic and nice, but also frighteningly wrong, as if one wrong move will send him drowning to the depths.

“Here.”  Steve’s offering a plate of sliced turkey and mashed potatoes and a glass of water.  Bucky takes the plate and sets it in his own lap, and Steve puts the glass on the coffee table before going back to the kitchen for his own dinner.

They sit side by side on the couch and eat in silence.  Well, Steve eats; Bucky picks.  His jaw feels tired after chewing a couple bites of meat, and the potatoes, though delicious, verge on too creamy and salty to feel comfortable in his mouth.

“Are you done?”  Steve’s done, and he reaches for Bucky’s half-eaten plate.

“Uh…”

“It’s ok.  You don’t have to be hungry.  We’ll save it for later,” Steve says as he takes the plate back to the kitchen.  He cleans the dishes quickly, and is back to Bucky’s side.

Bucky has no idea what time it is, but it’s dark outside, and he’s tired enough to sleep.  He feels like he probably shouldn’t, though.  Like maybe something bad happened last time he tried.  But he can’t remember exactly what.

“Do you want to lie down?”  Steve can read his face.  Or maybe read his mind.  Bucky tries to read Steve’s, but doesn’t come up with much.  Just concern.  Or pity?

Bucky starts to shift so he can recline on the couch, but Steve stops him.  “No, come upstairs.  You need to sleep in a bed.”  He leads Bucky up to the bedroom.  Bucky tries not to grip the railing too tightly, but he ends up having to when he trips over the top step.

Steve fusses over him for two seconds, then grabs Bucky a pair of sweat pants and a clean T-shirt from his closet.  “There’s a bathroom,” he points out the ensuite.  “Then you can sleep here.”  He pats the foot of the bed where Bucky’s already collapsed.  “Do you need help?  Or want some space?”

Bucky shrugs and shakes his head.

Steve sighs.  “Ok.  I’m gonna…in the office, right next door.  I’m gonna blow up the air mattress.”  He moves his hands awkwardly.  “If you need anything…”

Bucky nods, then wishes he hadn’t when his forehead throbs.

“Ok.”  Steve retreats.

Bucky changes clothes without so much as standing up, and he foregoes toweling his hair or washing his face in favor of burrowing under the blankets into sheets and pillows that smell familiar and comforting.

James is squinting down the barrel of an assault rifle, lining up crosshairs on the target.  She’s young, maybe mid-20s, with glossy black hair peeking out of her headscarf and red lipstick gracing her full mouth.  Her baby bump is visible under the fabric of her long dress.  James locks the crosshairs on her left ear, takes a quick breath, and pulls the trigger.

Bucky wakes up with a strangled, wet grunting exclamation.  He’s not in the rear-facing seat in the back of a van, but his stomach didn’t get the memo.  His brain still hasn’t engaged, and he doesn’t know where he is, and he’s starting to gag on something he doesn’t remember eating.

Bucky gets as far as shoving up on his stump arm when Steve bursts into the room, just in time to watch Bucky throw up in his bed.

“Hey, you’re ok, you’re ok,” Steve says, “Come on, let’s go in here.”  He pulls Bucky out of bed and steers him into the bathroom.  The next heave hits the floor in front of the toilet, but Steve throws down a towel gets Bucky onto his knees for the rest of the retches, which are rapidly becoming dry.

“It’s alright, ok?” Steve says, patting Bucky between the shoulder blades.

Bucky coughs, spit flying from his open mouth.  It’s not ok.  Steve shouldn’t see this.  Steve shouldn’t have to guide him through this.  This is why he’s unlovable and broken and worthless… “I…” Bucky croaks.  “I—I’ll go…”

“No,” Steve says, draping his arm over Bucky’s shoulders and holding him close while he still bends over the toilet.  “No, you don’t…If you don’t feel good, you don’t feel good.  It’s not…you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I—” Bucky breaks off in a hack.  “I killed…”

“No, you didn’t.”

“But I…”

“It was a dream,” Steve says in a firm, yet gentle voice.

Bucky’s out of breath and beyond dizzy.  He drops his cheek to the toilet seat.  He has a feeling it wasn’t a dream, at least, not completely.  He’s afraid to articulate that, that it might make it true.  But he’s also afraid he’ll explode if he keeps it in.  Or at least vomit again, which he does.

Steve rubs up and down his spine until Bucky stops retching and is just violently trembling, which really isn’t that much of an improvement.

Steve brings Bucky a paper cup of water to rinse out his mouth, then quietly asks, “Do you want to lay on the air mattress for a while?  I can get it cleaned up in here, and you can go back to bed.”

Bucky inhales something like “uh huh” because his head hurts too much to nod properly.

“Ok,” Steve intones as he pulls Bucky upright and into the office down the hall.  “Here, it’s low,” he warns before lowering him to the edge of the thin blow up bed.

Bucky eases himself down, recognizing the scent of Steve over the essence of plastic surrounding the mattress and bedding.

“I’ll be right back,” Steve says.

But no, that’s not going to work.  “No,” Bucky whispers.

“I’ll be really quick,” Steve offers.

“Stay.  Please.”  A single tear tracks down Bucky’s cheek, and he half lifts his right arm in Steve’s direction.

“I…” Steve starts.  “Ok.  Ok.  I can get it in the morning.”  He slides down onto the mattress, leaving space between their bodies.

Bucky edges forward until his face is in Steve’s chest, breathing him in.  Steve holds Bucky to him and snakes his arm around his back.

The first night Bucky comes back to Steve, they spend it together on an air mattress.