#actually. i didn't suck i just didn't 'perform to my standards'

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

today was such a so-so day. 

[alovesongtheywrote]

Nightmare Academia | Spencer Reid x Reader

♥ Summary:  Have you ever seen the tiktok where that guy brings a typewriter to his class because his prof doesn't allow laptops? Yeah, it's that, but you are the source of the typewriters. In other words, you're Reid's worst nightmare. [Prof!Spencer Reid x GN-Prof!Reader]

♥ Warnings:  Descriptions of emotional vulnerability from a student to a professor, reminders that the world sucks and Gen-Z is fucked when it comes to housing. The reader is. Kind of Mean to Spencer, but I won't say he doesn't deserve it. Enemies to Lovers, but they're just Enemies right now.

♥ A/N: a couple things about this fic. 1) i have no clue when this takes place in the criminal minds timeline???? i just know reid took a some kind of leave from the bau, and this is what he's doing with it 2) reid isn't actually in this one that much. my bad. 3) i've got no clue what university these two teach at. i researched typewriters extensively for this, but i didn't bother googling universities.

♥ Word count:  2371

Series Masterlist

♥♥♥

“Alright, my little chilli babies, that’s about it for today. If you have any questions, office hours start now, and please remember there’s an exam next week. It makes me sad when you forget. Got it? Got it. Cool.”

Your students immediately began to stand and file out of the room. They left in groups. Some of them chatted amongst themselves softly, and some called out a farewell to you, but most of them were silent. One or two lingered behind to ask about the administration process of the PCL-R, but that was about it.

Except for this one girl.  

You were pretty sure her name was Opal. She sat near the back of the room in the second to last row. She got good grades and performed well on tests and projects- although she was a touch shy during the one presentation project you assigned during the semester.

Usually, Opal was one of the first to leave, practically running from the room, but today she just sat there, staring straight ahead. You watched her for a second, vaguely assuming that she had a question or something. She didn’t get up to ask, though. She just sat still, staring at her laptop.  You paid her no mind.  Sometimes your students just needed a second, and that was usually nothing to worry about.

You were just about to pack up your own things and head for your office when you heard a sob. You looked up again to see Opal just sobbing into her computer. You winced. A pang of sympathy hit you dead in the chest. University was just like that sometimes- and she wasn’t the first or last student to cry on campus.  

Shit, you cried on campus. Like, all the time. As a professor.  The previous Tuesday you thought about the two-headed calf poem too hard and you ended up sobbing in your office.  

You headed for the back of the room, leaning a hip against the back of the seat beside her. She didn’t seem to notice your presence. Her laptop screen was covered with detailed notes- it was honestly an impressive collection.  

You crossed your arms, raising an eyebrow, “Everything okay over here?”

Opal gasped, looking up at you with wide eyes, “I-I’m- I-” she sobbed again, “I’m so sorrrrrry.”

“Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?”

“I’m crying in your classroom, and I’m so overwhelmed, and my next assignment is going to be late, and I’m so sorrrrry.”

The poor thing put her face in her hands and hunched over in her seat. You pulled out the chair next to her and sat down.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. University is stressful. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and crying can provide a cathartic release from that.”

“I- I know. It’s just so- so embarrassing.”

“Again, don’t worry about it. I literally cried in here last week.”

“R-really?”

“Mhmm. Now, if it helps, I can provide an extension on that assignment. Your feedback might be a little less in-depth, but that’s really nothing to worry about. Your work has always met a high standard.”

Her eyes somehow got even wider, “Are you- are you sure, professor?”

“Absolutely. It’s not a big deal- it might not fix your whole problem though,” you pulled your legs up onto the chair, sitting criss-cross facing your student, “If you’re feeling overwhelmed, the school provides free counselling services. They can help you feel less… whelmed.”  

Opal nodded, wiping her eyes, “It’s really just- just this one class I’m in. Our professor doesn’t allow laptops so I have to take notes by hand. But my- my writing is really messy, so then I have to figure out what I wrote, and-”

She was working herself back into a frenzy. You had to intervene. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Which prof is it, maybe we can ask about getting an accommodation made?”

“It’s-” she sobbed, “It’s Professor Reid.”

You froze. Opal continued to sob as a dark, heavy storm cloud rolled into your brain.  

“That fucking bastard,” you hissed, effectively shocking Opal out of her stupor.

“Wh-what?”

“This isn’t the first time he’s- okay, come on, follow me, we’re going to my office.”

Wordlessly, Opal put her things in her bag. You ran to your desk to do the same, snatching your keys and water bottle before heading out into the hallway. Opal followed diligently, but she struggled to keep up with your purposeful strides. Her face was still tear-stained, but now, instead of sorrow, her expression was the ultimate picture of confusion. When you reached your office, you swung the door open wide and ushered the girl inside.

In all honesty, you were quite proud of the space you had created. It was warmly lit, a necessary contrast from the harsh white lights of the hallway (you fucking hated those lights). The walls were decorated with your doctorates and neat little art pieces you found in various places. It was colourful and pleasant, and now was not the time to focus on your choice of decor because you were on a mission.

Opal remained near the door, watching as you rounded your desk and reached for something below it. With a slight groan of effort, you quickly emerged with your prize.

A vintage typewriter.

A heavy vintage typewriter.

You placed the thing down on your desk as delicately as you could. Opal stared at you in confusion as you beamed at the fine piece of machinery.

“Which room is his class in, I’ll have someone bring this to you.”

“Professor-?”

“You use it for one class, just one, and I guarantee he’ll let you use your laptop. Damn, technophobe.”

“I don’t know how to use a typewriter.”

You placed your hands on the desk, leaning forward on it, “Okay, come here then, I’ll show you.”

Opal timidly made her way towards you. You made sure to leave her lots of space as you ran through the tech tutorial. She picked up on it quickly, being the good student that she was. When you were done, you collapsed back in your chair, another bright smile on your face. Opal looked significantly less distraught, but still vaguely confused.

“Can I ask why you’re doing this for me? You- you didn’t even have to give me an extension. Why are you-?”

“Because you aren’t the first student to have this problem.”

It was true. This was the seventh sobbing-student-style complaint you’d had about him in as many months- and Reid had only been there for seven months.  You’d received emails, phone calls, and office hour meetings where desperate and devastated students would explain to you that they were falling behind. It broke your heart a little bit- and it pissed you right off.  

It was ironic that Doctor Reid had come straight here from the FBI- his technophobic nature was slowly but surely murdering your students, and now, you were going to murder him.

“Now about that extension, does five days sound good?”

Opal handed in the assignment two days into her extension. You smiled as you looked over her incredible paper. Your little scheme had worked. You hoped that Reid was pissed.

–

He was! Kind of. Not really.  It was a bit of a disappointment to be honest.

You had only known Doctor Spencer Reid for the seven months he’d been teaching alongside you, and boy howdy were you starting to hate his fucking guts. At first, everything was fine. He’d seemed sweet, and polite, and you were willing to overlook the whole FBI profiler thing to maintain the peace.

Then one of your students passed out during class.  

Thanks to his high expectations and fear of computers, there was a lot of shit for his students to cope with. The worst part was, you agreed with some of his policies- of course, you didn’t agree with the tech thing, that was stupid- but there was other stuff that you liked. He taught your students things that could help them improve- but at what cost.

Your formerly dim-eyed and sleepy students (let’s be real, they were never going to be bright-eyed nor bushy-tailed, they’re fucking college students) were now going through life in a state of anxiety that was not good for their long-term health. That was enough to make you hate Spencer Reid.  

And then one night, over a very full glass of wine you looked up his FBI career. You learned that the BAU used a private jet.

A private. Fucking. Jet.

They didn’t need to use the private jet. They could’ve used trains and it would’ve done the same thing. Shit, they didn’t even have to leave Quantico. They could’ve done their job from their main office. Most profilers do their job from their main office.  Instead, Reid’s team had dumped fucking jet fuel into the damn atmosphere because they fucking felt like it.  Not to mention just. FBI. Ew.

So, yeah. Fuck Reid’s three PhD’s, and fuck his ability to teach. You didn’t give a shit about any of that. You hated the man. You wanted to eat his heart in the main atrium, and given your way, you would.

Taking all that into consideration, it was only natural for the expression on your face to morph into one of absolute joy when Reid came to your office with the typewriter in his arms, and his tail between his legs.

“Doctor Reid,” your smile was a plastic thing, a false beauty with venom hiding beneath it, “What can I help you with.”

“Please stop sending that typewriter to my class.”

You opened your eyes a little wider, playing dumb just to fuck with him, “Typewriter? Whatever do you mean? I can’t imagine anyone in this century would even own a little antique typewriter like that thing there.”

“Little? That thing has to be over a hundred pounds- and it’s not antique, it’s-”

“It is literally thirty-three pounds.”

“Oh, okay,” he nodded. It was very clearly a ruse, “But how would you know that unless you own the typewriter?”

“I do a lot of research. That’s a 1960s Vintage Royal Empress Typewriter measuring about twelve inches in width and weighing thirty-three pounds and eight ounces. Y’know, now that you mention it, I’ve actually been in the market for a vintage typewriter.”

You put your elbows together on the desk and placed your face in your hands, “You wouldn’t know where I could get one would you?”

“Dr. (L/N), this is your typewriter.  Please stop sending it to my classes.”

“Hm, I guess it doesn’t pay tuition, that’s not fair to the other students,” you opened your laptop, “What class do you teach again? I’ll sign it up and pay the price in full.”

Doctor Reid let out the most exasperated sigh you had ever heard in your life- and that was impressive. You taught college kids.

“Why are you like this?” he mumbled.

“Pardon?”

“I said-” he at least had the decency to look embarrassed, “I said, ‘Why are you like this?’”

Your smile split your face from ear to ear. You emerged from behind your desk slowly, carefully, like a predator eyeing up its prey.

“Why am I like this, Dr. Reid? I’m like this because in the past seven months, I have had to deal with seven emotionally wrecked students, and what did they all have in common? Was it personal tragedies? The pure state of the world and everything in it? The knowledge that very few of the students at this school will be able to afford houses once they enter the working world?  No, Dr. Reid. The thing they had in common was you.”

“What are you implying?”

“Implying- what are you implying, he asks me,” you muttered, “I’m saying that your fear of computers is fucking over your students.”

“Studies have shown that handwritten notes-”

“No, no, stop. You don’t get to talk.  I’m talking now. Handwritten notes might be better for long-term memory retention, but not everyone writes as fast as you talk. Most of these kids don’t have time to switch their notes to a digital format! And that doesn’t account for shit getting lost, or students who get sick and miss class. Look, I get that computers might be scary for you, but in a climate where most of your students are full-time students, who take a mind-numbing amount of courses that cover incredibly difficult material, go home and struggle with the steaming pile of shit that is reality, and then head out for their part-time jobs- or, in some cases, their full-time jobs- you might want to have a degree of sympathy.”

Reid stared at you. He seemed unaffected. You wondered if that was because you were like, an entire foot shorter than him. You pulled up a chair and stood on it.

“Let your students use their laptops, or I swear to god, I will never stop sending the typewriter to class.  You will hear the incessant sound of keys clicking in your nightmares, got it?” 

He paused, his eyes darting across your face from your lips to your eyes and back.

“How old are you?”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re standing on a chair like a child. How old are you?”

“Twenty-seven. Now get out of my office.”

He did as you asked. You could see a small smirk on his lips as he shut the door behind him. The sight of it made your blood boil, and there and then, you decided you were gonna keep sending the typewriter anyway because fuck that guy.

Still, over the next few months, you never heard another complaint about Spencer Reid and his technophobic habits. Your students went from extreme emotional agony to regular, day-to-day emotional agony. He’d stopped making them take notes by hand.

You were still gonna kill him just… maybe a little bit less.

[mins-fins]

don't call me again — [00z — 엔시티. ]

i.e one of isa's random nct wips conceived with no real thought | now playing ꕤ

it's just the slightest bit claustrophobic in here.

well actually it isn't; you're lying to yourself to try to feel better about your circumstances. the air of the room shoves against you, crawling up your chest and seizing your throat in an unyielding grip. you might die from just the squeezing sensation of the room as a whole, even if there isn't even a crowd around you.

"yooooo y/n!" you snap out midway through your daze, the clawing hand formerly clutching your throat now sliding downward, completely disappearing. "dude! i can't believe you made it!"

a strained smile is all you offer, a small squeak leaving your lips as mark pulls you into an abrupt embrace, practically crushing your ribs with his vice grip. "traffic was shitty, but i kept my promise".

mark finally lets go of you, his crushing grip still painting your shoulders even after his hands remove themselves from your shoulders. "good for you, dude! jaem almost thought you wouldn't show".

you pause. jaemin is here. of course jaemin is here. you really are an idiot.

maybe you can make up an excuse. you have a family thing going on! no, too obvious, you can't lie on your mother's behalf without feeling bile crawl up your throat. your cat is sick? you could never lie about something like that. maybe you should just do a fake out and pretend that you're about to vomit—

"yooooo y/n is that you? it's been forever man!"

johnny suh has clearly had one too many drinks, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. the taller is quick to snort at the expression on your face, poking your cheek. you only offer a small wave, not exactly trusting your voice at the current moment. "how's life been treating you?"

you respond with a small shrug as he throws an arm around your shoulder, being nudged forward by the planned movement. you almost want to stop and slip from his grip, but you retain such urges. "semi well".

"semi?"

"i consider me being alive to be an indication of that.." you mutter with pure indignation in your tone, but you assume the alcohol has rendered johnny clueless towards the conveyance you attempt to make clear. his corresponding chuckle makes it clear to you that he thought you were joking, so you refrain from explaining yourself further.

"maybe you should lay low on all that studying! medical school probably hurts someone's brain!"

"it's fine i've learned how to handle it" you place a theatric smile on your lips as you catch a standard look of worry from mark in your peripheral vision.

"hey! tonight you have a break so just.." johnny trails off and you grunt, pushed onto the soft cushions of a couch. "relax".

"y/n has never really been good at doing that".

well speak of the devil, na jaemin nestles himself right beside you, satisfactory smile playing on his lips as he sees your momentary look of irritation. you ruffle your own hair and suck a breath between your teeth, it shouldn't be such a problem to face him now. "hi jaemin".

"it's been almost two years! didn't you miss me?"

in your fucking dreams, would be your usual response if you had no composure and didn't care about causing a scene, but for the sake of your own peace, you let the words die down in your throat. "was too wrapped up in surgery to even really think about it.."

a small scowl is almost let out, but jaemin instead smiles, hand gracing your shoulder in a gentle enough fashion it isn't suspicious. "well you're here now, i heard jeno missed you dearly".

yeah he told me that you idiot.

again, you bite your tongue.

"assuming he didn't tell you.."

jaemin lets out a laugh so performed he may as well open curtains to reveal your on a stage, he pinches the connection between your shoulder and neck, yet another performative smile gracing his features. "you are so funny!"

he might murder you tonight,

assuming you don't get to him first, of course.

the one thing people always forget to mention about reunions is that you cannot have any privacy, no matter how many times you pretend you have to use the bathroom.

you haven't even drank any of the stuff they have lying around, yet you feel as if you're one poke away from puking your guts out on the floor. it would be a funny feat to imagine if it wasn't a result of your very clear anxiety.

"hey how come you haven't had a drink yet?"

the inquiry is posed out of the purity of guanheng's heart. god bless him, even if he is oblivious to most situations. the shake of your head is so erratic your afraid you'll snap your own neck in the process. "i'm driving myself home, can't drink".

the sigh he releases in response is full of disappointment. "that fucking sucks! you bury yourself in all this work and can't even get drunk?"

you decide shrugging is the best course response. "i don't even really want to drink anyway".

you are on a roll with these lies! no you are not sweating! or panicking! or can slowly feel your stomach twisting in very clear anxiety! your lips press into a thin line, a small hum being your next action.

"y/n! y/n!"

now here comes your worst nightmare personified.

that can't even be said with assurance, because liu yangyang's lips stretch up into a euphoric smile. he's happy to see you, and in a sense, you are too, you're also just the slightest bit terrified. "hi yangyang".

he narrows his eyes, as if looking through you, but his smile returns to it's usual manner in a split second. absolutely no animosity behind it at all.

so you're going crazy! alright! that's amazing!

he doesn't say anything more, instead grabs onto you and pulls you into yet another bone crushing hug (that has to be the theme with everyone here), but instead of the usual fear you thought you'd fear when one of them hugged you, you feel warmth, much more than you anticipated.

maybe all isn't that bad, yangyang is still one squeeze away from choking you to death but does that really matter when the hug is like sleeping on the worlds softest pillow?

"i missed you".

you almost miss the hint of irritation that laces his tone, just a small eye twitch being your indication that no, it all is that bad. god maybe you should've said a family thing came up, it'd be easier to deal with a scolding from your mother than this.

"i missed you too" you clear your throat as you mutter the phrase, just barely able to keep your composure as you watch him smile again, eyes closing in a manner that clearly displays his displeasure.

"jaemin told me you were feeling better compared to what happened last year".

you smile so hard you swear you're going to begin bleeding. "i didn't talk to jaemin last year".

yangyang feigns surprise at the revelation. he knows exactly what he's talking about. liar. he then pretends to think it over, snapping his fingers. "oh no! injunie told me!"

your smile quickly fades. renjun. he might be your only saving grace in this mess, considering you don't run into the other two first. you might puke right now. "renjun, right".

"he said he's been dying to see you, maybe you should go find him".

maybe. what a jerk. it's like he can sense your anxiety with the way he squeezes your hand. (though if there's a heat that spreads across your cheeks, you'd rather not admit that).

"well actually—"

"hey! let's go look for him together!" yangyang doesn't allow for you to finish, a small tug of your hand rendering you speechless. you mutter unintelligible curses under your breath as you again feel a squeeze against your hand, his warm fingers clashing against your cold ones.

together. how fun. you manage to keep up smiles as you greet your other friends, friends who had many questions, but didn't exactly ask. maybe you should've declined mark's offer, it would've been better to rot in your apartment compared to facing this.

"do you know where he is?"

"i'm just guessing".

you hate that it does, but the words earn a small smile from you.

sometimes you forget, even after all of this, their still your friends. friends just get weird on occasions, friends just.. have disagreements on occasions, this is on par for frien—

"well what do we have going on here?"

you grit your teeth as soon as you hear the voice, and a small chuckle reverberates from your other.. friend. "y/n! it's been a while!"

you're just barely able to place a smile on your face, glancing at, again.. your worst nightmare in human form. lee donghyuck only stifles a small giggle at the expression which graces your features, his arms crossed above his chest, grin full of teeth. "yeah.. hi hyu— donghyuck".

you catch yourself just in time, and donghyuck bites his tongue, insult heavy on his mind. he again presents a smile, finger beginning to map out the side of your face in a slow motion. "almost two years! it's nice to see you haven't changed".

what a bitch.

you manage to refrain such thoughts from escaping your lips, the last thing you need to do is start a fight with the one person you've already shared fists with. "were looking for renjun".

"oh! a search? can i join you two?" his hands clasp behind his back, smile seemingly permanent.

you almost open your mouth to respond, but you clamp it shut, so yangyang takes the liberty of responding. "sure!"

oh curse you for being so you yangyang.

donghyuck hums happily, seizing your other free hand as he intertwined your fingers. you freeze, shoulders tensing, now stuck between the two people you were not currently feeling fond of at the moment. donghyuck's hands are rough, sometimes you feel as if he forgets about lotion, but yangyang's are soft, uncharacteristically so.

you again feel bile begin crawling up your throat, anxiety practically written in bold letters across your forehead as you again mutter greetings to your friends who haven't seen you in a while, all completely oblivious to the inner turmoil you faced.

you almost feel your eyes begin watering, but donghyuck decides to cut in.

"how's surgery going?"

you have half a mind to punch him in the face, oh fuck him.

"it's fine.. i've gotten used to seeing people's brains".

donghyuck's lips turn up.

"ohhhh, surgery is what you're doing! seems like a very you thing".

"right? even with how queasy he gets".

you manage to hold in your glare, rolling your eyes. donghyuck again squeezes your hand, nudging your shoulder. "it's been a while, should i give you my new number?"

you again feel bile crawling up your throat. "no it's fine i'll just get it from—"

"don't be silly! let me give it to you!"

donghyuck stops, keeping a vice grip on your hand as he puts his number into your phone. you aren't going to text him, even if his glares ask you to.

you wiggle your way away from him, quickly taking your phone with you. "that's nice! you know i just remembered i have a.. thing! a thing going on!"

smooth going, y/n.

"a thing?"

you nod so rapidly it makes yangyang step back. "yeah i have a.. something else to d—"

lord maybe you should watch where you're going, because you bump into someone as you walk backward the other way. just your fucking luck.

"woah, at least don't trip y/n".

and at this point, should you even be surprised by whose standing behind you?

staring your ex kissing buddy face to face would be nice if huang renjun wasn't also behind him, waving gleefully at the sight of you. if this were any other time, almost fainting at the sight of lee jeno would be amusing, but you fear you might genuinely pass out any time now.

"you alright y/n?"

you force another smile. "of course, i'm great!"

you are not great, you might actually die any moment now.

you really shouldn't have accepted mark's stupid invite.

[vole-mon-amour]

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I find it both interesting and OOC when people write Sebastian as someone who would care for sex. We've seen that he can fuck people, but it's for the purpose of getting the information. He knows how to fuck and make people feel good because he knows people's desires. He's literally a demon, so he does what he thinks the receiving person would enjoy and wants.

And sure, we've seen Sebastian leaning in closer for a kiss before almost eating Ciel's soul even though he didn't have to, he could just take it (I mean, Claude chose to kill Alois and not make it easier on him cause he doesn't really care while Sebastian does care for Ciel).

But I think if Seb and Ciel were to fuck canonically, if Sebastian was to receive any kind of sexual pleasure (such as a blowjob, for example), he'd make a performance out of it for Ciel's sake. I feel like Sebastian either doesn't feel much or he can't truly take pleasure in that because, well, he's a demon. Or not so much as he can't, but he doesn't CARE for that? All he wants if to eat Ciel's soul. Before he can do that, he, according to Yana's deleted post, likes to dress Ciel up like a pretty little doll and make him look right (according to society's standards).

So I feel like Seb would try and make Ciel feel good when it comes to sex. He wouldn't have to do something Ciel would expect from him exactly, but he could follow what he senses Ciel actually wants. He could try and tease Ciel in some ways, but if there's an actual order—to stop or to not do something, Seb, most likely, would have (or at least choose) to obey.

And yeah, Seb deserves to feel good, but feelings to him are such... an irrelevant thing? He's not human. The only way I feel he'd be able to truly enjoy any kind of stimulation is maybe through his actual demonic form? Which is basically a big black void with glowing eyes and big hand and claws, so it's another kind of stimulation. 🤷‍♀️

So yeah, in my mind, if they were to fuck, it's for Ciel's sake. Unreleased sexual tention, hormones, Seb toying with him for his own amusement when Ciel allows him such frivolity. Not because Seb wants and enjoys the feeling of Ciel sucking his dick or whatever (that body isn't even exactly real, so it's kind of ridiculous to me. It's a tool through which he communicates with the world, other humans, and sometimes protects Ciel (Thinking about that injury in, I believe, book of Atlantis?)).

[kokonoiis]

artist's admiration── ❝ maybe falling in love with kokonoi hajime was easier than you thought it'd be ❞

Ⅰ. tokyo revengers ft. idol ! k. hajime x stylist ! gender neutral reader Ⅱ. drabble / 1.5k wc Ⅲ. tw. slight abuse of power if you squint but also not really at all. Ⅳ. a/n. alright we're so here to kick off the bonten idol au that i've been cooking, of course i have drabbles planned for all of the members and some more characters than just the bonten idols so,,, let me cook let me cook. most won't be nsfw for now but the nsfw is coming i'm sure

" haji- what are you doing ? " kokonoi knew what that tone of your voice meant better than anyone else. he knew he had a few second in total to stop everything that he was doing, but with the eyeliner wand in his hand, he was already committed and had no intention of stopping already. it was just a little graphic eyeliner, it couldn't be that hard, right ? he swore he remembered doing it all the time whenever he was in junior high, so he couldn't be so bad at it. at least, no one came up to tell him that his eyeliner sucked, so that's all he needed for confirmation that he wasn't terrible at eyeliner.

but before he really got to test his hypothesis, you were already behind him, your arms crossed as you hovered over kokonoi while he squinted at the mirror, trying to really see what he was doing. " you don't have your contacts in, do you ? "

" no, they give me a headache whenever i'm performing. the fans say i always look mad whenever i'm performing so i don't want to wear my contacts anymore, " it sounded reasonable to him, but you just let out an exasperated sigh, reaching over him to grab the eyeliner pencil from his hand.

" if you can't see what you're doing, how do you expect to be able to actually draw a good wing ? " you asked, trying not to show your annoyance at his flippant nature, knowing that if you got into an argument with him over something like this, it could last hours or more, and you really only had about forty minutes to completely do his makeup now that kokonoi was fitted into his stage outfit. but, of course, you couldn't just let it go without being a little annoying about it. " besides, i've seen what you looked like in junior high.. i don't think you're, uh, practiced enough to my standards. whatever is on your face in forty minutes reflects my skills, so i need to make sure it's perfect or its my head on a spike. understood ? "

" not really. " kokonoi looked up at you through his mirror, shaking his head as you settled down into a stool next to him. you swiveled his chair around so he was facing you, and redipped the eyeliner wand, leaning forward to do your job.

" maybe i'll teach you how to do your own eyeliner when you're not going to be headed off onto stage, yeah ? " you mused out loud under your breath, that focused look in your eyes as your free hand took his chin and tilted his head so he was looking straight ahead, resting your hand there just in case you needed to move his head again. " then we'll have much more time to thoroughly teach you and it won't reflect poorly on me, you know what i mean ? of course i want you to do your own makeup if you like it, but damn, i can get fired over this. "

there were unspoken words that refused to fall from your lips, of course. you were a makeup artist first, and everything else came second. that included any feelings that you might have towards anyone you might be working relatively closely with. and kokonoi hajime was on that list of people you couldn't really afford to fall in love with.

you spent at least an hour or more nearly every single day with your makeup kit looking at his face all day every day, and with that closeness came natural conversations. you learned the two of you had a lot of things in common, like how you both really enjoyed sweet things and really didn't have a taste for anything spicy, or how you both enjoyed messing around with fortune telling from time to time. just small things about both of you that you've learnt over the span of your time as a makeup artist for bonten.

but no, you couldn't fall in love with kokonoi, it was literally your job on the line. the only reason you landed it in the first place was because you were in a relationship at the time, and it was an unspoken rule that a makeup artist had to almost prove that they wouldn't fall for their idols. lord knows what would happen if someone caught wind of your feelings for him, or if the wrong people snitched. those emotions weren't necessary for your job, so you cut them out.

while trying to push him away, though, he almost seemed to lean harder into talking with you, as if he'd never met anyone who he couldn't sway with his words one way or another. but you were stubborn in your ways, and you made sure that he was always aware of how hard headed you could be. and that stubbornness really was what kept you from really connecting with the romantic feelings that had sprouted for kokonoi.

" you're staring. "

you blinked a couple of times, your eyes widening slightly before you narrowed them again, dragging the eyeliner across his lid. " well, yeah, i'm trying to fix what you did. " the lie was effortless, but not perfect, especially since he really only made one simple line and it really wasn't going to be hard to fix at all.

" uh huh, " kokonoi found himself laughing softly, a knowing smile on his face. " if i didn't know any better, i'd say you're falling for me. "

" me ? falling for you ? no, never, " you denied it pretty adamantly, turning his head so you didn't have to fight with filling in the pretty thick wing that you gave him. the rest of his makeup was simple, so you wanted the wing to be the standout point this time. he had monolids, so the bat technique was your favorite to use on him, and it worked pretty well as long as he could sit for the extra time while you filled it in with the fine tip of the wand.

you kinda liked how he never fought back with you as you moved his head from time to time, your hand sat on his chin comfortably. it gave you some sense of power and made you feel a certain way whenever he looked up at you and the two of you made eye contact with each other. but.. that didn't mean you were falling for him. " i'm your makeup artist, koko. "

" and you're pretty, " kokonoi had whispered immediately, as if he didn't even think before he spoke. " i think you're pretty. and i spend quite a long time looking at your face while you're doing my makeup. you always have this one crease in the middle of your brows-- "

" alright, alright, koko, i got your point ! stupid.. "

" what ? i just complimented you and you're going to call me stupid ? rude. "

you felt your cheeks heat up in embarrassment, trying to shake your head an alleviate the blush on your cheeks that you were so sure he was able to see. " you never asked me to compliment you back. that's like giving a gift because you expect one back, kinda rude, right ? " pulling away from him, you admired your work, tilting his head a few ways to make sure it looked good from all angles. of course, it was kokonoi hajime, he was going to look perfect with any makeup you put him in.

" you are a weird one, you know that ? "

" nope. i've never heard that one before a day in my life, koko. "

" oh, then let me be the first to tell you, " kokonoi grinned a little bit, leaning forward to press a small kiss onto your lips, throwing you off guard completely, but not necessarily in a bad way. you found yourself kissing him back within seconds, enjoying the feeling of his lips on yours. he tasted like the flavored lip balm he always applied before you did his lips, and you could smell the cologne he was wearing. were people looking ? you didn't know, and for the moment, you didn't care, either.

when he pulled away, he stood up, brushing off his stage outfit with a nonchalant hum, as if your world wasn't spinning because of him. " i think you're a weird one. but i'll see you after this performance, okay ? you'll have time to teach me how to draw my own eyeliner, right ? "

you weren't entirely sure how well he would do in your class, but you figured that the extra practice couldn't hurt. " uhm. yeah. i'll see you then, i guess. " you mumbled underneath your breath, feeling both deflated and ecstatic about spending more time with kokonoi where you weren't staring into his face trying to make sure that his foundation was even and making sure his eyeshadow was perfect on both sides. " and, for the record, koko. i think you're the weird one. "

" well, make sure to watch this weirdo perform his best ! " you would make sure to watch from the sidelines and silently cheer him on. maybe falling for kokonoi hajime was a lot easier than you thought it would be, and maybe you were okay with that. as long as he didn't ruin the makeup that you'd worked so hard on.

──kokonoiis 2024

[thispatternismine]

ATLA live action impressions part 2

Following on from last night's post, here are my impressions of eps 5-8

Still really loved it. Gonna be tarred & feathered for this but I actually like it better than the animated show

Highlights:

Ozai giving Zuko credit for finding the Avatar. There's this weird idea in the fandom that Ozai never intended to take Zuko back. Even though we saw him do exactly that at the beginning of Book 3. Yes he set an impossible task, but when Zuko (apparently) achieved it, he was like 'ok yeah cool - you have met my standards'. Sure, there's no way Zuko would have continued to meet those standards if he'd stuck around, but Ozai did actually keep his word. The fact that he does it to make sure Azula knows she's overstepped & remind her she's replaceable, is an especially nice touch

Getting to see how Azula is treated by her father. I've seen way too many people try to claim Azula was never abused because she wasn't literally set on fire like he was. Never mind that she avoided that fate only because she was able to meet his standards. And having to constantly strive to meet the standards set by someone who thinks 'find a guy who's been missing for a century' is a suitable task to set his kid is abuse.

Another annoying tendency of the fandom is to flanderise Ozai into some diabolical caricature who spends all his time thinking up new ways to torment poor Zuzu, so having that scene of him banishing Zuko was a nice touch. He genuinely believes he is being a good dad & raising his kid to be strong (note: This isn't me saying Ozai is right - I'm saying he thinks he's right.)

The 41st Division 😭

Iroh & Ozai interacting with each other

Gyatso!

I spy some female soldiers! A problem with the animated show was that it's all well & good deciding that the Fire Nation has female soldiers, but bias is a thing & 99.9% of the time if you ask someone to draw a soldier it'll be a man. Yeah sure they all stayed to guard the Fire Nation that's why we didn't see any till Book 3 suuure

"Anything you need." "It has to do with Koh." "Anything but that." DYING

Aang's whole speech to Zuko about how helpful his notebook was (let's be real Iroh probably sighed & told him it was a waste of time so this was the first time he heard 'Hey good job on the Avatar research!') & the way they bonded before he unwittingly set Zuko off

"Quit it before they think there's something wrong with you. More than there already is."

"The Firelord deems your performance... below average." OOF. Pretty sure that's the worst thing you can possibly say to Azula. She'd much rather be told she sucked outright than just 'meh'

Waterbender Yue

Non-arsehole Hahn

Using Kuruk lore from the Kyoshi books!

I like the changes to the NWT siege. Having the spirits' mortality be an occasional, temporary thing to gain an appreciation of life that occurs during a full moon when the powers of those who will protect them in that state are at their peak, makes more sense than permanent vulnerability that relies on nobody finding out. Also never made sense that a naval officer was stationed in a fucking desert & was able to just take time off to go through a spirit library, so having Zhao find his info from the Fire Sages works better IMO. I do hope we'll still get the spirit library though

Ozai's lil eyetwitch when Azula backtalked him like if you agree

Haven't mentioned yet but I love the costumes in this

Also never mentioned Momo, the Real Hero of ATLA

Sokka continues to be awesome

Lowlights:

June calling Iroh cute & fawning over him. Normally I'd think it's unfair for the live action version of a character to be held accountable for what the animated version did, but this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like og!Iroh's groping of June being treated like a joke has been called out many times so they fucking had to know what they were doing

Why isn't Azula's fire blue? We got like 1 second of it & that's it. Maybe consistent blue flames are a power up she'll obtain later idk

[astralfuchs]

Given how “unique” a Miku concert would be I’m surprised Crypton themselves didn’t send some team members or equipment personally to make sure things are set up right bc other than some performers that might hide their face/wear disguises idk how many usual concert locations have something prepped for “holo” projections compared to Japan and their Vtuber boom (although I’d rather buy a plushie from a booth but hopefully at least the theatres would have good sound quality)

Sucks for any workers scrambling and getting hate/hope it doesn’t affect the sales of any other indie ppl performing their concerts

The weird thing is it worked before. I went to miku Expo 2018 in cologne and 2020 in Berlin. Both times it was an actual hologram concert with the same band as magical Mirai. Neither of these two locations had a concert like this before, I'm pretty sure. All of the equipment must've been toured around with thew Miku Expo crew. Going against advertising and expectations (basically all of these concerts, and like all of them in recent years were holographic) without notifying buyers beforehand and also not even afterwards when people keep asking is, to put it lightly, customer unfriendly at best and a scam at worst.

I arrived a bit late in 2018 since I only had standard so I don't know how it was there, but in 2020 people went around giving out free stickers and badges, or general stuff they got from other miku events. One of them seemed to be a huge meiko fan so when she gifted me something I gave her the meiko badge I got from the random gacha button bags. Stuff like that really made it feel like a community coming together, so reading that giving out badges, stickers, etc. wasn't allowed this year, even for people who specifically got an okay from cfm and also got their stuff stolen from is surreal.

I had vip in 2020 and as far as I know everyone got their vip merchandise, which doesn't seem to be the case this year, which makes no sense because you would know how many people at this location have the vip ticket. Another thing I read is that vip ticket holders were supposed to be let in earlier for merchandise and the concert hall but it didn't happen, which also worked flawlessly before in my experience.

Merchandise being not enough for everyone is sadly not new, I was in line for it in 2018 and when I was three people away the store people shouted they were all sold out, which was very much a bummer but I thankfully bought the penlight and t-shirt beforehand in the online store so it wasn't too bad for me and as I said I was quite late to the so definitely in the latter half of the people that got in. Still should've been more but I would chalk it up to being the first concert in Europe and them not having expected such a huge crowd maybe. How this is still the case 6 years later and in America where there were concerts way before 2018 is beyond me.

I don't know if this is because of crunchyroll (it probably is tho) but I can't say cfm is innocent either since they partnered with them and it's their job to ensure everything is up to standard, which clearly didn't happen.

For me, I was really happy to hear there was going to be a Europe one again, especially since I really loved it, it is such a magical experience so the last year's being online only made me super sad since it isn't the same in the slightest, but seeing it's also partnered with crunchyroll I decided against it. It's because I loved it so much that it really saddens me to see what is currently going on (also probably why I wrote so much, very sorry). Miku Expo is one of the best, magical and insane events you can go to as a vocaloid/piaproloid fan and I wish for all fans, people who've been in the Fandom longer and already have been to Miku Expo, and newer fans that didn't have the chance yet, to have that same experience but this is not it. This being someone's first miku expo experience is just a sad thing to think about considering what a massive downgrade the experience is. I hope there will be official statements soon and that the people who are currently experiencing it still have a good time.

[blueinkscribe]

OK sorry I gotta be political for a second because. Hhhh.

It has occurred to me that, given the chance, yes, I would absolutely be one of the people who wouldn't work given the option to not work.

Like. If a millionaire showed up at my doorstep and told me "here 3k each month, go chill" I WOULD.

If the capitalist system would not force me to work to have a somewhat comfortable life, I WOULD NOT WORK.

There's no way ANYONE would be able to drag me into a workspace if I didn't have to be here for money.

Yes, I am one of the lucky disabled people who is capable of working.

I am physically capable to perform most jobs, and I am mentally capable to survive them.

However. If I have work on any given day, that means that entire day, the entire 24 hours are now work. Doesn't matter of my shift is only 8 hours. The whole day is work.

I can't do anything before work when I have time because 1. I need to save my physical energy and ability to move for work and 2. I will the entire time be in a state if paralysis out of a fear of being late.

I can't do anything after work because 1. I am physically exhausted and in pain and 2. I am so incredibly overloaded that I'll need to sit and stare and a wall for the rest of the day.

I can't sleep calmly if I know I work the next day, because 1. I am terribly anxious about how exhausted I'll be if I don't get enough sleep which, in fact, prevents me from getting enough sleep and 2. I am even more anxious that I'll oversleep.

I can not do anything on a day that either just one free day between work days or on the first day of a 2 day break because I am exhausted both mentally and physically and need that time to recover.

If I have a two day break, I also cannot relax in the evening because, well, the sleep issue I mentioned above.

This mean I have about 10 hours of time that is Not Work if we assume a standard 5 day work week, which, might I remind you, not everyone can afford and not every job has space for.

I believe 100% that if I didn't have to work, I'd actually be so much more productive in my life. I'd be able to create art, I'd be able to help people around me, I'd be able to take on other tasks and first and foremost, I'd be able to live instead of just exist.

Sometimes, I find myself envying those within the same social system as me that are, and please excuse my phrazing here, I do not have a better way of saying it "disabled enough" to not have to work. I hate this thought, because it's a sad thought.

But ultimately, I am already disabled, and sometimes, when I lie awake as I do so often worrying about work, I find myself wishing I was disabled just a little more, so I didn't have to work.

This SUCKS. And I HATE it.

So yes. If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't, you're right. But at least I'd feel alive, at least I could have those things I'm supposed to be working for, a family, friends, a dream.

But all I have is work. And all I'm really working for these days is to survive another day at work.

[khalixvitae]

also your brain is wrinklier than the balls of a sweaty red neck florida man. you're so fucking based.

honestly i like to make light of the fact that rook was acquainted with vil via criticizing his play upfront, and the fact that they even became inseparable after, but i really think it says a lot about them. especially vil, in this case. about how vil values the cold and hard truth above all that is sugarcoated and brought to him via beating around the bush in a world where everyone is sucking up to him to get something out of it. like, what did rook have to gain in the moment? if anything, he would've been mauled by anyone else. but he did it out of genuine interest, in vil and helping him (even if his critique lacked tact in the delivery). that's what drew vil to rook. he was so unabashed in what he thought about a certain things flaws, but also so full of vigor and readiness to see it for all it's potential. he's exactly the type of person vil needs.

unwavering loyalty (the type that vil truly values) can also be seen through rook's election of neige in the vdc. i really do hate that it's portrayed as a betrayal. yes, i understand it would be to anyone else, especially given rook knows of vil's rivalry with neige. but obviously, rook and vil aren't conventional people. rook already stated very valid reasons for it; it wouldn't satisfy vil's ambition nor his need for the first place and perfection. it'd be hollow to him. most of all, vil would know he didn't deserve it because the performance itself wasn't the best he could give. why would he want an unjustified trophy? he would've continued striving for no. 1 in extremely damaging ways if rook did not choose neige and give him the reality check he needed. that's the type of reality check he wanted. that's what true friends do. holding each other to standards, encouraging improvement-- doing what's right, because it will do right by them in association. rook choosing vil in this context would be the truest betrayal to vil because rook knows it would go against all vil stands for. it would be the biggest betrayal to rook's wanting to help vil improve and blossom because it wouldn't do that. it'd drive him further into madness. rook pulled vil back before he could do that and that's real loyalty. making hard decisions for the betterment of your loved ones. i don't really remember much of chapter 5's ending, but i do remember vil also acknowledged all my prior points himself, and did realise the winning the VDC wouldn't have been the best for him in the long run.

i absolutely hate blind devotion. i hold my friends to moral codes because being too entrenched in unhealthy mindsets would leave you blindsided to what's truly beautiful and joyous in life and people, and i dont want to be the one to enable or exacerbate it. i expect them to do the same with me; tell me off, disagree with me, and give me a reality check when i need it, because i know ill appreciate it when that time has long gone and their wake up call was what got me back on the right track. that they cared about me enough that they wanted to help me change for better instead of just standing to the sidelines because to be loved is to be CHANGED.... (wails uncontrollably into pillow, shits, sharts, etc etc). my greatest goal in life is to be the best version of myself and to be loyal is to support what the truest part of me yearns for! improvement! that's why i expect that if i were to act up, my friends would have the courage in knowing that opposing whatever dumb idea i might have would ultimately mean the most to me! so when i say i get how vil must've felt during chapter 5 i really get it. sure he still would've been upset over his loss but i believe he understood the reality of the situation quite well, including rooks reasoning. he trusts rook because he knows rook can make the right call for him if need be, even if it results in such drastic consequences. he knows rook has his actual best interests in mind. he knows rook isn't one to lick vil's boots-- he'd bow before him and rise against him, all in vil's favour. that's why he was more determined than ever to get on the right track to strive towards complete perfection. he was upset but he knew it was transient and he'll have another chance at true success.

people also have to understand that brutally honest =/= cruel. brutally honest is just a term used by people who just want an excuse to be mean but he doesn't intend to be, so i can see how that term, when conflated with a character, can be warped to a different interpretation. yes, good intentions don't always equal good actions but he always means it for the betterment of others. you don't like his tone? tell him! he'll adjust the level of tact in which he delivers his speech but the content is more or less the same.

again, vil is also another one who drops a lot of subtle hints of vulnerability. of large deviations of who he is and how he operates.

god i am.. sgshn???!?!!!!!!! so desperately in love with him....!??? he's so deeply flawed but that doesn't make him a bad person. it makes him so real and raw and just. someone i could really sympathize with in real life, especially when i can relate to, or atleast understand many of his core themes and struggles. he's more complex than the other boys in the cast (not to say the others cannot have complexity) and it makes it all the better to pick him apart. yes i see god in your eyes babes please kiss me so hard my lips explode.

“He’d bow before him and rise against him, all in Vil’s favor” HOLY SHIT ANON THAT IS ?,, THE HARDEST LINE IVE EVER READ??? But I completely agree! Vil was less upset about the justified loss than he was about Neige winning ! He understood Rook’s reasoning and didn’t question it, but ofc he was irritated that his (one sided) mortal nemesis beat him. I agree that Vil is so insanely complex- that’s why he’s my favorite character to pick apart, and also why I feel the strongest connection to him. Tbh he’s one of the only characters I could see myself realistically befriending. His honesty and determination are super admirable imo, and we share some core values.

Also,,, I’m currently brainstorming ways for him to show his vulnerabilities, funnily enough hehe hoo

[maridiayachtclub]

i went to a con this past weekend. didn't go to any panels or anything, just wanted to browse the vendors and artist alley. which i did, with two primary goals:

the first was to find some comics and books by little indie outfits i have never heard of. and there were several of those, and i picked up a couple of books from local (or quasi-local. two states over counts as "nearby" when it's Montana) authors, but i guess i was hoping to see more? there weren't as many comics as i was expecting at The Comic Con. like, it's been a good number of years since i've been to one of these, but much more than the last time i went, it felt like the crowd consisted of (and the vendors catered to) people whose engagement with geek culture is mostly Star Wars and D&D by way of Stranger Things. like a very big presence hinged on big corporate-owned media, compared to indie and creator-controlled stuff. merchwise, there were far fewer handmade tchotchkes than there were kinda samey looking things made with 3D printers and CNC routers. i'm not trying to be snooty about it, but there was something alienating about the whole thing that i'm trying to figure out.

the artist alley was at least closer to what i was expecting, though i didn't find much that i actually wanted to spend money on. this was the other thing i was looking out for: FFXIV-related art. and there were like, two artists (of like 50 or so booths, plus however many more scattered throughout the vendor hall) that had anything FFXIV-themed at all, as far as i could tell. one artist had a bunch of prints of rather lovely watercolor-esque portraits of major characters (plus a landscape of the Crystal Tower, which I bought a print of), and someone else had acrylic charms of the standard set of fan-favorite characters in a cuter anime style that had different appearances on either side. but overall, the FFXIViness levels were disappointing, both in quantity and in selection.

overall the experience was very... whelming. i was kinda underwhelmed, but not so much i am officially disappointed. i would summarize my trip as "an unusual way to spend a saturday afternoon." it was a thing that happened.

the local anime con is happening in a month or two and i was kinda thinking of going to that. being in a nerd crowd, at least, was nice, and i kinda want more of that. but if i'm out of touch with nerd culture, i'm double plus out of touch with Anime culture. i'd probably be saving some trouble if i didn't go. like if i wanna see a buncha Genshin Impact art that i don't care about i can already go to twitter, right now, and do exactly that. don't even need to buy a ticket or anything

admittedly the whole experience was colored by attending the con with someone who was in a shitty mood, didn't like the crowd and was constantly trying to avoid it. maybe i woulda had more fun if i wasn't spending 40% of my mental energy worrying about that, or feeling like i had to keep offering excuses and apologies every time i wanted to stop and look at something, or trying not to get caught showing an untoward amount of interest in something that's too cute or feminine or pink. performative gender clown act BS. nah yeah now that i think about it, that was really biting into how much fun i was having

anyway, regardless, it still sucks that in today's economy you can reliably get pictures of one of ffxiv's numerous government-issued boyfriends but not a single wee doodle of Ysayle....

[mango-fizz]

hi do you have a link to that post of the the marie reader late night radio talk show interview thingy you wrote i need to dunk my brain in good writing

tumblr search fucking sucks so here just have it, again akfhdkbsbd

As you sit there, listening to Marie introduce you as a guest on her podcast, you can't help but wonder: How did you land this opportunity!? Seriously, holy shit! That's Marie, from the Squid Sisters, right in front of you!

You do your best to make it seem like you're listening and responding like a normal person and totally not losing your mind. 

Really, you should be used to this by now. As a model for popular clothing brands, you've been on countless talk shows, interviews, and events, meeting tons of celebrities and important people in the industry.

But none of them were Marie.

To reiterate, Marie from the Squid Sisters!!

"I'm so glad you found time to come on the show tonight. I'm sure you must be very busy," you hear her say, reminding you that this is very much real. 

"Not at all, I-I must thank you for the opportunity to talk with you, um, on the podcast." You try to make the waver in your voice less obvious. 

Marie chuckles, and even if it was a performative one your hearts still hammer out of your chest. You smile involuntarily. How embarrassing.

She moves on to standard interview questions, many you've already been asked before, but you answer again with twice the enthusiasm, as if it was the first time anyone in the world had ever questioned such a thing.

She flips her flashcards with such elegance, your eyes are drawn to her hands. Every movement she does is filled with grace. Adjusting her mic, tucking her tentacles around her headset, sipping her drink through the straw…

You blush. Okay, seriously, stop it. Pay attention. You have to be professional about this. You clasp your hands together in an attempt to appear serious and in focus, but it's really to conceal how sweaty your palms are.

Marie smirks. "So, I heard you're a big fan of the Squid Sisters?" 

You feel like you might go into cardiac arrest. She found out about that? You hadn't exactly been secretive about it, you suppose. But if she didn't notice the flush in your face before, she must certainly notice now. You clear your throat.

"W-well, yes, actually. I am." You try so hard to not think about the way her eyes light up at your answer. "It's actually because of you that I decided to become a brand model."

"Oh?" she says, and you dread having to say the next words in front of her, or at all, and you briefly wish that someone would splat you right then and there. But she's looking at you with that glint in her eye that you've seen a million times on TV, and you think you could kiss her right now if she asked. 

"When I saw you on stage, or on the news, I was captivated. You shone with such beauty and charisma, and I was just instantly a fan. I thought, if I could be dazzling like you one day, I would be overjoyed."

You realize how cheesy and embarrassing that all sounded. You think you might faint if you weren't already sitting down. You take a sip of your water to distract you from the impending consequences of embarrassing yourself in front of your favorite idol.

"That's… quite the praise. I don't know what to say."

You work up the courage to glance up at her and she… she's blushing!? She's gotta be trying to kill you. Her smile is blinding. You think you might die.

"I feel honored, thank you," she continues, and when she says your name you feel your chest burst with joy. You could die right now and be sure you've lived a happy life. 

You remember you're supposed to act normal. You wrap your hands around your cup to hide their trembling.

"You're very welcome. You and Callie deserve only the highest praise." Yes! That seems normal enough. Good response.

"Do you have a favorite song, if you don't mind me asking?"

And there it is. You duck your head slightly as you mumble, "...Tide Goes Out."

She smiles again.

At this point you think to yourself that there's no way your disastrous crush on Marie hasn't been made blatantly obvious. With your constant praising and blushing every time Marie so much as breathed, you think you probably look a bit ridiculous. Good thing this show is a podcast and people can't see you. 

But Marie can see you. Very well, in fact, seeing as she's right across from you and the table is fairly small, and she's looking at you in such a way that feels like you're being read like an open book and you cannot attempt to hide a single thing from her even if you wanted to. 

"I'm flattered. Don't worry, I won't tell Cal," she says. There's a slight tease to her voice that has you weak. 

You laugh nervously, and it's the lamest response you could have given, but how else would you respond? Is this even real life anymore? You feel bad for the poor asshole that's gonna listen to this podcast ep later next week and die of cringe. 

The rest of the interview is a blur as you do your best to answer the questions as casually as possible. Eventually you find yourself nearing some semblance of relaxation. Marie's dry commentary is entertaining, making you laugh and join her for some witty back and forth. One of your jokes even manages to make her laugh earnestly (the sound made you smile so wide your cheeks hurt.) All of your interactions made you remember why you fell for her in the first place. She truly is just… amazing.

Turns out the poor listener next week will get a decent podcast episode out of this after all.

"Well, I think it's about time to wrap this up," she says. You sigh in equal parts relief and disappointment. Ending the podcast means saying goodbye to Marie. 

She goes through her usual goodbye script (you have it memorized by heart) and turns off the recording. 

"You okay? You seemed kinda nervous there. I'd have thought you'd be more used to interviews," there’s that teasing lilt again, and you can't decide if you're happy she's concerned about you or if you feel mortified. You scramble for some form of explanation.

"Y-yeah, sorry! It's fine. It's just, you're… amazing, Marie," you say, and you briefly worry if you're being too forward. Marie snorts (cute), before waving you off nonchalantly.

"Thanks, but I'm not anything special, really."

"Well, sure you are. I mean, you won the Splatfest, didn't you?"

Marie clears her throat. "I think that hardly matters."

[arcplaysgames]

so i finished the second palace

look i had a bad depression day, i pretty much did nothing but drink matcha and eat pepitas and play this fucking game for the entire day. i don't recommend any of this.

lets try to sum up lmao

the school actually hires a therapist, which is suspiciously proactive of them lmao. i love the girl whose like "his voice is hot" as a person who is a connoisseur of Hot Voices, he's Fine. Like... Logan Cunningham he is not. But he's fine?

He is also the Councillor Arcana, which is one I have to level for the extra content, so I am suspicious of him too.

He is also not above bribery to get people to come say hi, so clearly he is a wise man. The trio here are supposed to go see him, along with everyone who's had direct dealings with Kamoshida. No one is hyped for this, but he seems nice, so.

of course you are, and of course he wants Reverie to help. Every time i see Reverie, i think of that Jeff Winger bit, "Why do so many people flock to me? Is it my height?"

I do enjoy snacks is the thing. Also it's fascinating to me that they apparently added a character into this game who is just here to be a shrink for these kids. How fucked up is this game gonna get, lmao.

The Councillor isn't a standard of RWS or Thoth or TdM. I know, shocking, right? Apparently it's a pull from a Spanish deck, so I'm looking at that card. it replaces the Magician, so... that's interesting. The Magician is a fairly good teacher, albeit kind of a hubristic show-off about it. The original card is under the sun and has the infinity symbol above the head and holds an Ankh and a wand. So they're wielding the metaphorical key to life but also a wand of power.

So... working as a teacher to help people gain control of their lives. Yanno, like a therapist would.

ROLLS MY DANG EYES AT MYSELF. Anyway.

On the way to school, some dude starts following Ann which freaks her out.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS GAME HAD MATT MERCER. finally some good fucking food.

This guy is Yusuke and he's an artist and wants Ann to model for him in hopes it'll inspire his next work. His manner of speech is fun, very serious but Dramatique and kind of annoyed at people who don't buy into the drama. An aesthete!

Also his teacher drives by, so he's the next target obviously. Never trust the dude in the car who shows up right after your next party member. He's a super famous artist, Madarame.

Also Yusuke introduces himself them steps forward, knocking Ryuji out of the way. Lmao.

To be clear: Ryuji has never done anything wrong ever. My dislike of him is completely unfair. But also: lmao.

At Madarame's art exhibit, Ann happens to be taken by a specific painting. Yusuke reacts really oddly to her interest in it and tries to steer her towards another.

So the gist of this one is: Madarame is this ascetic artist gentleman type who is infamous for using a very wide range of techniques and styles in his work. Wow such talent! Except obviously he's stealing the work of his many students and claiming it as his own.

The Phantom Thieves peg that Yusuke either knows about this or is a victim of it himself, as Madarame's only current pupil, so Ann has to take the modeling gig to get closer to him and discover the truth.

BUT ITS A NUDE MODELING GIG. GASP.

This whole bit just made me kind of nod along. (Which might be the Depression Day to be clear.) Like, the game isn't excessively horny about Ann having to get nude for art, but also Ann is so not interested in doing this shit, compounded by yo her literal origin story in this game is having to perform being this sexual object for Kamoshida, so this whole diversion was.... not as bad as it could be but also just felt so unnecessary.

yep ryuji that might be bad!

because this game is a coward. i would throw Reverie on that grenade in a fucking instant, both to protect Ann because putting her in this position Sucks, and also I bet it'd be very funny to play through Reverie doing it. Also, Reverie is pretty objectively hot, why shouldn't he be the model?

WHATEVER.

Also there is a funny bit where a kid hears meowing on the train and Reverie pretends that Morgana is a doll that makes noise when you touch its head, so of course "Time to button mash."

ALSO ALSO. The Warden Twins are Strength. LISTEN. CAN'T BE WORSE THAN "FELLOW ATHLETES."

[firespirited]

I think Dolly Parton is a brilliant singer songwriter and performer. She made her way in a music scene and a society that didn't respect women. But I don't like the way Dolly Parton runs Dollywood and her lack of political action (unless we find out she donates to actual leftists or runs an abortion underground railroad or something) . And I really can't stand "Dolly Parton" the persona, the huge hearted giver of folksy poverty advice that appears on TV. I love her work but totally cringe when she's called to play a magical whimsical godmother to all. I don't wish to harsh anyone's mellow about her, she's played delightful characters, she's a hard-working career woman who doesn't use her public.

I know It's not fair to hold her to higher standards to any other artists and yet. Dolly playing everyone's best friend and ally "Dolly" gets on my nerves. It usually involves some anecdotes about how she grew up dirt poor and that makes people have to be creative and resilient. Yeah and some don't make it and you could make sure your employees never have to feel the cold and rrrrrgh. Irrational annoyance not even at the woman herself but the weird pedestal society put her on.

So seeing her as a revered icon in a sci fi about the future was jarring. On one hand, she's tacitly taking a political position for trans and gender identity rights IRL by appearing in this episode which is huge. Dollywood probably won't have pro trans policies but as a quiet declaration, it's still not nothing.

On the other hand, in the story, her advice was as about as good as a fortune cookie saying "trust your heart" or "take one step then think about the next" and not very respectful of the fact she was dealing with a woman fighting for her people's lives against a violent state facing a complex ethical dilemma: one life for many. I really don't think that's the time to talk about your momma's can-do attitude. It's time to say "that sucks, that's an awful position to be in. would you like someone to bounce your options and potential moves off until you can see more clearly?" or even "that's rough honey, can I give you a song and a hug?"

IDK it was a complicated episode. Lots of issues to unpack: we fought for this teen's agency to get surgery for herself but now the teen's agency to join an activist group for her people against her repressive nation is in question? The father who lost sight of the mission and potentially endangered his daughter due to a need for vengeance. The diplomatic channels that were presented as the 'right thing' when they've been comfortable with human rights abuses before, it was just setting up these women to be failed by state apparatus. And they would have been if it wasn't for the last minute miracle evidence beyond evidence even though there was already plenty of evidence.

It's a good episode if I'm still thinking about it later, very good if I'm poking holes in the story writing.

The Orville new horizons has become quite the excellent sci-fi. I really hope McFarlane has enough dirt on studio execs to get another season made. Committing to the android staying aromantic was bold. Tackling the trans hot topic via intersex issues was bold. They even pulled a "Tuvix" ethical right that sure felt wrong with the time travel episode.

Now if Dolly could set the terms for the conglomerate that runs Dollywood and demand the right to unionize, living wages, healthcare and full anti discrimination policies regardless of what Tennessee laws may be passed, I'll open a shrine to Dolly Parton. Tacit just isn’t enough when your former poverty and status as gay icon is going to be part of your identity and selling points. I do hope she made bank on that vaccine though, excellent investment.

[destinyc1020]

i didnt mind kaia in bottoms, being monotone suited the character, it just cant role over to every role she does. I dnt personally believe that just cuz her bf is oscar nominated that ppl hold her to a higher standard, i think ppl just expect her in general to nt suck cuz she got all the resources n priviledge in the world nt to b bad lol. She had a acting role b4 she met Austin n ppl still, rightfully, had complaints about her acting.

And i see more ppl holding her at a higher degree when it comes to modeling cuz of her mom. Her mom was a great model and i think Kaia is great at runaway, bt shes nt that expressive when it comes to editorial pics. My guess is that one of the reasons why she switched over to acting is cuz she didnt wanna b compared to her momma bt it kinda backfired cuz ppl r saying she acts like her mom, who was nt known to b a good actor either 😅

I agree Anon.

Everyone is their own individual, so what they choose to work on is their own business.

I know I've joked on here before about how Austin needs to get his gf some acting lessons lol 😅, but the truth of the matter is, that's not his responsibility. Kaia is an adult, and if she wants to improve in her acting craft, then she has PLENTY of resources to do so. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Like you said, people have been complaining about her acting even before she was dating Austin lol.

Nobody really has anything against Nepobabies... Hollywood is full of them. What people have a problem with is Nepobabies who CAN'T act taking on roles that an actor who actually can act could have received, but were passed over because said nepobaby has connections in Hollywood or a famous last name. 😐

If Kaia were to work on her acting and really deliver great performances, I don't think anyone would have any problem with her or even bring up the fact that she's a "Nepobaby". It only becomes apparent that you're a nepobaby when you're given roles that we ALL know some no-name or lesser-named actress wouldn't have ever been given the time of day for the role, but you end up getting it (even though you suck) simply because your mommy or daddy are famous.

Nobody talks about Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawkes kids. That's cuz they can actually act.

Nobody even talks about Robert Downey Jr, cuz he can actually act.

Nobody talks about George Clooney, Dan Levy, Billie Lourd, Carrie Fisher, Rashida Jones, or even Lily Collins, because most of these actors can actually act decently.

It only becomes apparent that you're a "Nepobaby" when you're the weakest link in the cast, and ppl wonder why they didn't hire someone better....🤔 Then it becomes, "Ohh that's right... she's so-and-so's daughter". 🙃

[blubushie]

what you said about being intersex hit close to home.

im intersex as well and for a long while ive felt like im not cis or trans enough to be fully either.

because of my condition, i hit puberty really early developing both male and female sex characteristics. for this i was mocked during my entire adolescence as i was seen like a freak.

currently i guess i identify as nothing. gender as a construct has always been incredibly alienating, nonsensical and cruel and having autism on top of it never helped.

i dont think i will ever understand gender, but now i am not the only one

Yep, I was mocked too. Kids called me a girl and all that, and I started going by another name (the name my parents were going to name me if I'd been born female) by the time I was 14. And from 14 to 16, I was living life as a girl because it was what society expected of me. And I kinda went back and forth for the longest while, hence the idea of bushgender. Plus side of the bush is that I can do feminine things and not worry about people judging me for it. I didn't really know what I was and even doctors couldn't give me a definitive answer.

I'm content being a bloke, and I'm glad my outward appearance reflects that. I don't reckon gender itself is a purely social thing--a lot of it is rooted in biology--but most gender roles are purely cultural or societal and change depending on what culture you're looking at. And I like that about that bush. It's just nature out there. I can be incredibly masculine in the bush and do things associated with being masculine without people thinking I'm compensating for something. And I can knit, or bake, or do the few things considered more feminine that I actually enjoy, and I don't have to worry about what people might think if they see a bloke knitting.

It's a weird thing when you've lived in the middle for so long. I got treated like a bloke and I got treated like a chick. For my first year in Australia before I really grew the beard out I just became... apathetic to it all. I looked like a butch chick. Someone would approach me and not know what to use. "Whatever you're thinking is the right one." That usually made people assume I'm nonbinary but I'm... not? I've always been a bloke. But I just got tired of correcting people. It was a losing game. Luckily my voice is deep enough that most people assumed male once they heard me talk, but I can't count how many time I've been at a B&S and been approached by a bloke who just thought I was really flat-chested for a chick. And that part sucks too.

But it's less of an issue as I've gotten older. And in time I've also just gotten less involved with gender in general. Everything feels so performative on both sides, and I hate performances. Blokes act overly masculine (becoming obsessed with fitness and pickup games, becoming obsessed with The Grind, etc) because they feel they need to and they're pressured by other blokes and chicks. Chicks act overly feminine (becoming obsessed with makeup and skincare routines, becoming obsessed with clothing and such) because they feel they need to. And you can tell when someone's actually passionate about fitness, or bettering themselves, or fashion, or skin health compared to them doing it because they're trying to live up to gender standards. And everyone is so goddamn materialistic. So I just don't worry about gender anymore. I'm Blu, and Blu's already weird enough, so what's a little extra added to the mix?

Anyway! This has turned into a rant. Gender is weird, people are weird, bodies are weird, you do you and don't worry about the rest. :]

[clatterbane]

10 Songs On Repeat

Tagged by @fivekoboldsinacoat. Put the Spotify "on repeat" playlist on shuffle and share the first ten results, then tag ten people. (Or, I guess, if you don't use Spotify, share your top ten songs you listen to on repeat.)

Also, following his lead in linking to YouTube for accessibility. I preferentially went with live performances where possible, unless the sound quality sucked too bad by my own totally subjective standards. Just didn't have the spoons for more translation work today, but I also included a few lyric snippets where I could because why not.

The "On Repeat" can be pretty dangerous, dealing with somebody who is as prone to going off on neurospicy kicks as I am. Instead of, say, a couple of weeks of nonstop Delta blues, '80s synth, or Latin American metal? This time, we've apparently got wall-to-wall Swedish punk-adjacent stuff. (Which is more likely than most other genres here to not be English language. Handier for me learning Swedish than for most of y'all!) It's also mostly from newer bands.

Heavily featuring both Bäddat För Trubbel, who spent the 2010s (roughly) paving the way for trouble here in Malmö--and Trubbel, who evidently already found it in Gothenburg!

Mascara Snakes - "Vakternas Skräck" (live) - ("The Terror Of The Guards")

Bäddat För Trubbel - "Bäddat För"

Svart Katt - "Våld Mot Tjänsteman" ("Assault Against Officer")

Trubbel - "Tro På Mig" ("Believe In Me")

Viagra Boys - "Down In The Basement" (live). (Out of Stockholm, but their singer grew up in the Bay Area. I am still mad I missed seeing them across the bridge in Copenhagen a few months ago.) How're you going to explain your sex life to your wife?

Bäddat För Trubbel- "Bättre Män Än Mig" ("Better Men Than Me")

Viagra Boys - "Worms" (live) - (From an awesome session.) Also, one rather bizarre Korean horror movie (?) fan video I just ran across.

Hjelle - "Arbetsförmedlingen Ringde" (live) ("The Employment Agency Called")- (Yeah, same guy from Bäddat För Trubbel. I've been enjoying his voice and sense of timing, OK? 😅)

Svart Katt - "Bara En Spegel" ("Only A Mirror")

Trubbel - "Gbg City" (This live video is quite the extravaganza of pasty jorts-clad flesh, from last summer. In best Gothenburg style, evidently.) - Better audio studio version.

Continuing on to Spotify's "Repeat Rewind", for some wider representation over the medium term lately. Still pretty heavy on the punk-adjacent stuff, but I guess that's where my head has been.

1. Gnome - "Ambrosius" (These guys out of Antwerp are pretty awesome in general, for what I guess you'd file under stoner/doom metal with a sense of humor--where you can actually hear the bass in the mix. There's no real choreography in this particular lvideo, which is a shame.)

You can eat from the ground

2. Refused - "Summerholidays Vs. Punkroutine" (live) - (Also a Swedish band, btw. In a good 2012 performance.)

And I'm still certain that what motivates me is more rewarding

Than any piece of paper could be...

Rather be forgotten than remembered for giving in

3. Suicidal Tendencies - "Till My Last Breath" (Yeah, really feeling it today.)

But I'll never let all this emptiness win

Until my last breath I'll be a fighting man Not just with my fist, but my mind and I got a plan...

Until my last breath, I ain't nobody's bitch Until my last breath, I'll keep pissin' on the rich Until my last breath, I'm gonna do it, I ain't gonna just try Until my last breath, I'm gonna hold my head up high...

I'm never letting go Until my last breath, the whole world's gonna know Until my last breath, I'll be keeping a score Until my last breath, I'll be fighting for more

4. Ramones - "Mental Hell" (Not their best album, but I still have a weak spot for it.)

I'm not feeling very well

5. Viagra Boys - "Milk Farm"

They say that you can get delirious from layin' off the sauce

But I don't know nothin' 'bout that

'Cause I ain't ever laid off

6. Alien Nosejob - "Television Sets" (live) - (And I finally just thought what one part of this reminds me of. Major flashing lights warning on that video.)

I don't need no cigarettes

I don't need no booze

I don't need the TV set

I don't need the news

7. Riddarna - "Vi Kommer Att Dö" (Keepin' the titles cheery over here: "We're Going To Die". But, better make the most of it!)

8. Dwight Yoakam - "Purple Rain" (live) - (Impressive tribute, when I already respected Dwight quite a bit. Studio version.)

9. Motörhead - "Tear Ya Down - B-Side - 'Louie, Louie'"

Gonna show you what I'm all about

I'm gonna shoot you down tonight

I don't really wanna freak you out

10. Orkan - "Rik Rikar Rikast" (live) - ("Rich Richer Richest" - Studio version with significantly better sound quality.)

To translate the chorus:

Have you forgotten what equality means?

Have you forgotten what solidarity means?

Have you forgotten what generosity means?

Have you forgotten what honesty means

I always feel awkward tagging people for this sort of thing. But, I will have a go this time: @soilrockslove @adrawatcher @theonewhopoops @floorbananamotherfucker @reddragdiva @kelpforestdwellers @queerdo-mcjewface @birdblogwhichisforbirds @supernini235 @ailurinae @katisconfused @ajax-daughter-of-telamon @soilrockslove @medleymisty