#actually was worm there for the discussion?
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Would you love me if I were a worm?
Sylus x gn reader | A stupid, short drabble that got stuck in my head while peeling potatoes yesterday, no warnings
“Sylus, would you love me if I were a worm?”
Sylus doesn’t even look up from the book he’s reading, sprawled on one of the leather couches in his library, the full red moon spilling through the windows and blanketing him in a softly sinister light. “Yes.”
You lift your head and scowl at him from your position stretched out along his long body, hands folded under your chin, resting on his firm stomach.
“You’re not taking the question seriously.”
He lifts a dark silver eyebrow, eyes still not lifting from his book, the gold-rimmed reading glasses he’s wearing glinting in the warm light from the Tiffany lamp next to the couch. “And how did you arrive at that conclusion?”
“If you had actually properly considered it, you would have taken a little more time to answer.”
He finally deigns to look at you over the rims of his glasses. “I gave it the exact amount of attention that such a question deserves.”
“Why doesn’t it deserve more attention? I want to know your answer.”
“And I gave you my answer.” He returns to his book. It’s some pretentious title, about the sociology of ingroups and outgroups, the banality of evil.
“How can I take your answer seriously if you don’t think about it properly?”
He sighs. Looks over his glasses at you again. “You’ve been spending too much time with the twins.”
You sit up, leaning against the armrest of the couch opposite of Sylus. He frowns as you move away. “I don’t think I spend enough time with them, actually. They’re hilarious.”
His frown deepens. “I’m hilarious.”
“No, you’re a pretentious edgelord who won’t properly consider my question.”
“You speak so sweetly to the twins. Where’s that honey when you speak to me?”
“Honeypot’s empty until you tell me why you’d love me if I were a worm.” You prod his thigh with your bare foot.
He sighs again, sets the book on the side table. He takes your foot in his hands and begins to rub it, thumbs gently pressing into your arch. You suppress a moan.
“I’d love you if you were a worm because even as a worm, you are still you. I’d love you in any universe, in any world, in any timeline, in any form.”
You stare at him for a moment. “Now I feel bad about being mean to you.”
“As you should,” he gloats. “How will you make it up to me?”
“No, no. I’m not done.” He continues to caress your foot, one hand drifting up to your ankle, circling it between his thumb and forefinger. “You may love me as a worm, but what would you do with me? And would you seek out company in other people, since I couldn’t provide it to you as a little wiggly worm?”
“I would construct the most extravagant terrarium with all of the most luxurious provisions that a little worm’s heart could desire.” He pauses. “I’d also have to construct some sort of grate to protect you from Mephisto.”
You shudder, thinking about what it would be like to be a worm facing down Mephisto’s ruby stare. “I’d probably just be happy in some dirt,” you say, giving him your other foot. He takes the hint and begins to rub it too.
“Tch. My worm deserves only the finest in compost and enrichment activities in their terrarium. I wouldn’t be happy with just giving you some dirt.”
“Of course, and we must keep his royal snobness happy.”
“See? This is why I love you,” he smiles, just a little. “Even though your tongue is so sharp with me.”
“You’re avoiding the question about seeking other company,” you say, sinking lower into the couch as you enjoy the foot massage.
“What’s the point in answering what is clearly a trick question? You will not be turned into a worm. This whole discussion is a waste of time we could spend doing more interesting things.” He gives you an exaggeratedly lascivious once-over.
“I could be turned into a worm! Modified protocores have resulted in weirder shit happening!”
Sylus sighs yet again in resignation.
“I would miss your human company terribly, but there’s no replacing you,” he says smoothly.
You scowl at him again. “That doesn’t answer the question.”
“Darling, I was fine with my own company until you came into my life. I was fine with my own hand until you came into my life. I’d miss your company, and your sharp tongue, and your blow—”
You jerk one of your feet out of his hands and prod him in his stupid sexy abs. “Okay, okay. I get it.”
“I don’t think you do,” he says, sliding out from under you, dropping to his knees on the plush rug in front of you. He lifts one of your legs over his broad shoulder. “I think a demonstration is in order, of all the things I’ll miss that are irreplaceable, should the unthinkable happen and your lovely human form is reduced to that of a worm. I’ll start.” He lifts your other leg over his shoulder and looks up at you smugly.
You look down at him, heart so full with how much you love him that it hurts. “Promise you’re not lying?”
“When have I ever lied to you, beloved?”
You tilt your head. You think he really would love you if you were a worm.
“I’d love you if you were a worm too, Sy.”
“Oh good, I can stop losing sleep at night,” he says, voice dripping sarcasm. You punish him by tightening your thighs, squishing his handsome face between your knees.
He laughs a little breathlessly. “If you’re trying to encourage me, it’s working, kitten.”
You laugh and release him. “Deviant,” you say affectionately.
“Your deviant,” he says, leaning forward, big palms gliding up your thighs. “Whether you’re a human or a worm, that won’t change.”
#love and deepspace#love and deepspace sylus#sylus x reader#my fanfic#i think i'm also done with the next part of the sylus series#just need to let it marinate
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Akaashi Keiji has repressed his romantic feelings for Bokuto Koutarou for 6 years now. He's so normal about it. DONT pay attention to the limited edition MSBY pin up calendar in the corner of his apartment. It has been on September of last year since January of last year. That is by design. It's to support his friend. You see.
#bokuaka#akaashi keiji#akaashi#I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE MUTUALS FOR THIS ONE#isa... kennedy... worm.... your minds are beautiful#actually was worm there for the discussion?#special shout out to worm bc i cannot remember#hq!!#conspiracy lvl: text
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You know what.
ANOTHER DPxDC idea (as if I write prompts for anything else lol ✍(◔◡◔)
And once again, I think I might have a hyperfixation rn, another deaged Dani (Ellie) and Dan (Dante)! and Dad!Danny.
And you know what, lets make it another DannyxConner idea.
Danny is on a field trip with his class (NOT in Gotham though, LOVE Gotham but lets go with a different city) in like Central City or Metropolis (If Metropolis, Danny is SUPER excited to see the space sections they have at the museum they no doubt have, because well SUPERMAN is an alien and based in their city. If in Central City Conner is visiting Bart.)
During the trip he bumps into Conner and the two just hit it off. Conner enjoys listening to Danny rant about space and the stars and finds watching Danny's eyes light up in joy kinda cute. And if he got his new hero name Supernova from listening to Danny's rants about the stars well... no one needs to know how he got it.
Danny likes how chill Conner is and how the guy stood against Dash and the other jocks when Dash decided he wanted to mess with Danny during the trip, a rare thing nowadays but sometimes Dash does try, and how he respects/likes Danny's friends.
He didn't even say anything negative or hurtful when he found out Danny has two kids back home.
In the end the two exchange numbers, flirt hard, and maybe set up a date in the future. And then more dates. Becoming boyfriends. AND meeting the family. Conner is smitten with just out of toddlerhood Ellie and toddler Dante and adores them. And he loves how the Fentons just love him the moment he stepped into their house and was introduced as Danny's boyfriend, he made sure to bring over a pie Ma should him how to make.
Things get a bit complicated when Conner, Supernova, is at a reunion of YJ members and his phone lights up with a text message from Danny.
He's smiling with a goofy/soft look when he opens the text and see's its a picture of Danny holding a pouting toddler Dante and Ellie on his lap smiling with a notable gap in her teeth at the camera. The message he got was 'Ellie wanted you to know she finally lost her first baby tooth. Dan's been grumpier, I think he misses you.'
He is pulled out of his happy thoughts and musings when he hears Bart gasp hard and drop a bowl of snacks onto the floor. Conner turns to from the future Speedster and see's him about to have a panic attack.
Bart, Impulse, is having a freak out after catching a glimpse of the text picture Conner had gotten and being nosy wanted to know what got his friend to smile so smitten. He knew of Conner's current boyfriend and the kids Conner adores but haven't had time to be introduced to them or even see a pic.
He wasn't expecting to see the very MONSTER of his NIGHTMARES that basically destroyed the world in the FUTURE as a toddler pouting at a camera and surrounded by two smiling identical looking people either. People he never saw in the future or with HIM AND-
Oh.... OH!
Was that why he turned evil? Did something happen to his family?
#danny phantom#danny fenton#crossover#dp x dc#blue rambles#danny phantom dc#writing ideas#random idea#dpxdc#HUGE misunderstandings about to be done#Bart thinks the bad future is still on track#not knowing its already been fixed#the events have been avoided#BUT he does tell the others#it does send Conner in protect mode#and makes things a bit awkward between him and Bart btw#Bart is trying very very hard NOT to be scared/fearful of Dan since hes a toddler at the moment but its hard#TRAUMA for Bart sadly#Tim is coming up with many many plans to help protect this family that wormed their way in his best friends heart#Conner is panicking cause he doesn't wanna lose this wonderful family#Cassie is ready to throw down at anyone that even thinks about going after this family thats been making Conner so happy#Meanwhile the Fenton family are discussing when they should tell Conner the FULL Fenton family truths#aka Danny being Phantom/Halfa/Maybe Ghost King.#Dani/Ellie actually being his clone/mirror turned daughter due to destabilizing#and Dan/Dante technically being a evil timeline version of Danny/Vlad mixed into a clone body who destabilized as well and was now his son#over 9000 pairing
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Mini rant below and in the tags, the only time I’ll talk about this and my personal take on it.
The way people talk about hypothetical male Anya on Twitter and the idea of how Mouthwashing would play out if the genders were swapped makes me remember how people still don’t take sexual assault and rape with male victims with the same gravity, especially when the perpetrator is female.
#not even gonna tag this cause I don’t want to start discourse in the tags but you can absolutely still explore the concepts of patriarchy#toxic masculinity misogyny and rape culture if the genders where swapped#like those concepts don’t disappear just because Anya is a boy now cause you have to think of all the ways it applies to male victims and#I just don’t understand why people keep getting angry when people facilitate different discussion the game opens you up to#like yes I get the frustration with not seeing the conversations you want but start them go find them why complain on other posts when#people are bringing attention to similar issues and the ways they are overlooked dismissed or blame the victim#I for one think we should have more basic clarifying conversations of SA rape cultures and how toxic masculinity and sexism create scenarios#like the Tulpar and enable men like Jimmy but I also can understand and enjoy the topic being expanded upon to include other cases on a#flipped scale like yes how male centered the fandom is is annoying considering the topic but seeing comments saying that SA isn’t as harmful#to men cause they can’t get pregnant is a whole can of worms you really need to unpack cause holy shit#like in this scenario if Jimmy is pregnant and can’t get rid of the baby Anya is the father yes Jimmy is pregnant but that’s because in this#swap she assaulted a man lied to either say it was consensual he forced himself on her or like canon panicked and semi admitted to forcing#him either way he is afraid to do anything because men do get blamed for defending themselves against women in these situations not to#mention the shaming that occurs because he is a man and should step up for the kids sake and likely be told he should be proud a girl wanted#him that much like yes you have to explain it more but bodily autonomy in this scenario is just as nuanced and I can’t believe I have to#defend something being male centered in a game where the rape of a woman is the catalyst just because people are saying SA for men#is not as damaging or degrading or harmful to autonomy as it is to a woman like how can you want conversations on rape culture and shut down#people bringing up other nuances in the conversation#like people are gonna jump around with it I know but if you only want to talk about one thing stay in that sphere like I just don’t get#going to another space especially one that isn’t even being weird or toxic and starting shit cause you don’t like it like the amount of#unnecessary and mean comments on normal art of think pieces I’ve seen on Twitter is crazy like it’s stupid callout shit for the sake of just#not liking something like I’m seeing so much screen shotting and vague posting like just at the bitch and fight about it like it’s still a#relatively small fandom ur just asking for in fighting on like the few things we shouldn’t have to worry about#as a victim my self and who has been in other situations and being afab I just can’t understand the vitriol toward this sort of discussion#mouthwashing#actually I will tag this cause you can explore the themes in mouthwashing still stop being freaks and just block bitches ong
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I’m pretty sure @finalgirlsamwinchester said this first but supernatural episode 14.13 “lebanon” except it’s succession austerlitz family therapy
#someone needs to write that. do I need to write that?#johns like first of all who the fuck are you guys. these r not my children#mary and john circling each other warily bc uhhhhhhhh what Happened to you#dean opened the lid on the can of worms of his feelings abt john in the years since his death#so even tho at first he’s like omg…..dad….. save us#after a beat he’s like oh yeah fuck you actually. I don’t know how to talk to you anymore I haven’t been the peacekeeper since you died#and sam and john have the same conversation they had in canon except john’s only apologizing for not saying goodbye#his feelings abt stanford!era sam are too fresh to discuss out in the open#and he’s also like. this isn’t MY sam. where did all his anger go!!!! who made him this sad!!!! did I do that???? did dean??#dean makes a blunt reference to hell (either his trip or sam’s) bc HIS anger is coming up and johns like WHAT.#I need to stop
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Is there ever a hypothetical world where Jackie and Shauna’s situation is reversed (as in Shauna dies and Jackie makes it home)? And if so, how do you think Jackie would react and deal with it?
this is ANOTHER of my favorite cans of worms to open lately so THANK YOU for giving me an opportunity to talk about it!!
i was thinking about this mostly because i was thinking about how shauna's hallucinations of jackie provide us with such valuable information about shauna's thoughts/feelings/desires, how she thinks of jackie, how she thinks of herself (via jackie). hallucighost jackie i think sort of has two sides that are intertwined but serve different purposes - there's one side that's more straightforward and even sweet: it shows how shauna, in her grief and pain, wants to remember jackie (the fun, lighthearted moments; braiding her hair, joking about randy). the other side is more dark but gives us just as much if not more insight into shauna: she uses jackie as a mouthpiece for her own bad thoughts about herself. hallucighost jackie is the whip that shauna self-flagellates with. and she punishes herself, but she's also sort of repressing the fact that she even feels guilty (which maybe is why she needs jackie's "ghost" to guilt her, because she can't admit to herself that she feels guilty). and it all must hurt even more coming out of jackie's mouth - which, if you think about it, is probably why she does it (better fuel for her guilt complex).
ANYWAY, i digress (sort of). my point is, i've always wondered what we could learn from jackie hallucinating shauna. how would jackie want to remember shauna, but at the same time, how might the memory of shauna torture jackie?
if we do a simple swap and have shauna leave the cabin when jackie tells her to during their fight and then shauna freezes, that's one option. we get jackie feeling both immensely hurt by shauna's nearly inconceivable betrayal but, at the same time, feeling guilty for sending her out there. this could lead to some interesting hallucinated convos and, personally, i 100% think it could also lead to jackie doing shauna's makeup in the meat shed lmao. (and thats how you know they're made for each other!)
BUT ALSO. shauna's betrayal (i mean, combined with jackie losing her social status in the wilderness and having the other girls turn on her ofc) made jackie so depressed that she was unable to eat, and shauna dying on top of that would have the potential to completely destroy jackie's will to survive. it would be a big ask, at that point, to get jackie through to rescue. id say its pretty likely she dies of a broken heart, so to speak. like, just loses all her remaining will to live (because her will to live was literally hanging on by a thread and that thread was shauna). the only way i can imagine her surviving long enough to go home is if she has a complete and total break from reality and like, just sort of dissociates from the entire year-plus that follows. i think (? let me know if you agree bc this actually just came to me while writing this and im not sure if it holds up) that if the writers really sold it right, they could convince me that jackie basically goes catatonic and retreats into some fantasy world (one where shauna is around, of course!) for the rest of their time in the wilderness. not exactly the way shauna talked to jackie in the meat shed, because shauna knew she was hallucinating and was more or less able to walk away when she had other obligations. i think jackie would actually legitimately just lose her grip on reality, and succumbing to this would be the only way for her to survive. kind of like the bacchanal but about, like, everything.
the other scenario that occurred to me (and it's a pretty awful way for shauna to die and makes me really unhappy btw, so, sorry in advance) is what if shauna's abortion attempt had gone really, really wrong and she had gotten an infection and died from that? obviously jackie has no clue at this point about jeff/pregnancy/rutgers/etc so its pure unadulterated heartbreak. taissa could play a really interesting role in this situation as the only other person who knows this huge, earthshattering secret. would she keep it from jackie? i think that would be the prudent thing to do. losing shauna would already be almost too much for jackie to take, but she could maybe survive that by designating herself as the keeper of shauna's memory and she could probably convince herself she owes it to shauna to stay alive because if jackie dies then shauna is gone for good. but, as we've seen in canon, finding out that shauna betrayed her sends jackie into a really dark place where she doesnt have much will to live. i think she could plausibly survive with her sanity intact if one or the other happens (shauna betrays her OR shauna dies) but, as i discussed above, experiencing both would either break her sanity or effectively kill her.
and i suspect taissa is smart enough to realize this too, so if she wants to keep jackie alive she'll withhold this information (hide/burn the journals?) and let jackie cling to whatever romanticized image of shauna she comes up with. once they get back to the real world, who knows? taissa might tell her because she feels like jackie deserves the truth, jackie might read shauna's journals from before the crash in an attempt to feel close to her again and find out that way, or even jeff might tell her (worst case scenario IMO)... and im honestly not sure what jackie would do at that point, like, murder jeff maybe? (im joking but i actually am not sure how that whole situation would play out. maybe depression 2.0 but in the real world, but that's not as fun as murder.)
i haven't even said what i think jackie would hallucinate, so lets end with that. for shauna, it's primarily about self-flagellation and self-punishment, although it has some ability to soothe her as well, like when she imagines having fun with jackie.
for jackie i think its actually fairly simple: its obvious to all of us that what jackie wants most is shauna's authentic and full love, and my personal theory is that the main (and maybe even sole!) function of jackie's hallucinations would be escapism and wish-fulfillment, and imagining that shauna really did love her.
jackie doesn't have a self-destruction/guilt complex like shauna does. jackie, i think, would be able to just feel guilt in a more straightforward way. as well as anger! so in the scenario where shauna freezes after their fight, jackie would certainly be feeling a lot of guilt, but she doesn't need or want shauna to remind her, she could just apologize. and she's feeling a lot of anger, but she'd be able to say it to shauna's (hallucinated) face instead of putting it through some twisted alchemical process that turns it into something else. like, i think she actually does have a chance of getting closure in a way that shauna doesn't because shauna would never let herself get closure because then she'd have nothing left to fuel her guilt/self-destruction complex.
i think jackie would want closure for her immediate anger and guilt about shauna's death, and because she wants it, she'd be capable of getting it. but after that's dealt with (assuming she survives long enough to deal with it), or in a scenario where jackie doesn't know about shauna's betrayal/isn't responsible for her death, i really think (and i just made myself sooo miserable realizing this btw so you're welcome. or i'm sorry) that the thing that would cause jackie eternal and relentless pain for the rest of her life would be the immense regret and the feeling that she didn't love shauna enough, or didn't love her right. and her hallucinations of shauna would, by and large, simply be an outpouring of all the love she didn't get to show her in life (and imagining the reciprocation of that love that she always wished shauna would give her).
#can of worms: opened#worms: on the floor#are they good worms? you be the judge#also lol remember the ask about my thoughts on whether jackieshauna would ever be canon#that and this are two things that i have actually discussed extensively in the dms with rose @lottieurl recently#its kind of funny 😂 like u guys are asking THE most perfect questions#and they're things ive already been thinking about!#also hiding this reallllyyyy deep in the tags but#i may or may not be pondering exploring some of this through the medium of fanfic#will i ever actually turn it into anything publishable? who knwos#but its. percolating shall we say#RIGHT! well. this was fun!#ill end it here since this is already an ungodly amount of words#yellowjackets#yj asks
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possibly my favourite lhl meta now is that extremely galaxy-brained half hour video essay on b站 exploring essentially one thing:
llh can be read as a "mother" and a symbol of femininity/maternity in its purest form
what if feminine and maternal qualities can be uncoupled from biology and patriarchy. what would it look like. it would look like lxy's rebirth as llh. it would look like llh's nurturing and guidance of fdb. it is essentially the spirit of freedom and life llh held. it transcends any notions of gender.
feeling more validated than ever. and this is also far more than i've ever asked for. my brain has been rewired. i'm kissing you on the mouth op
#all things considered. like. i thought my lhl takes were...galaxy-brained enough#and the ideas op discussed does fall in line with them#BUT OP TOOK IT at least 100x further????? ???????#the worms are worming DID YOU KNOW THE BRAINROT COULD GET WORSE#it's like the optician putting on another pair of lens after you thought the last one was clear enough#i'm sorry this is the reading i'm alr choosing to hyperfocus on#lhl#my posts#it's actually premised on a reading of llh being a parental figure to fdb. so it's def not for everyone#(not only did op call that ep 19 scene an inflection point in their rs but specifically one that llh adopts fdb as his own child#i passed out from how deeply that reached into my soul and shook me into consciousness)#it is essentially highly debatable... i alr subscribe to such a framework for the story so it's no issue for me#i realised a buddhist or general philosophical reading of lhl is more or less common on cnet#BUT this meta is lowkey controversial even on cnet. so imagine how galaxy-brained it must be
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OKAY EMO RIV HOUR IS OVER if you saw that post you pretend you did not 🫵
#riv rambles#THANK YOU NONNIES IN MY INBOX#those actually meant very much to me I won’t answer them bc I think there’s a ton of can of worms to open to discuss all this#BUT THANK YOU I feel very seen and I see you too and we are all gays in a slumber party in my heart#😌💖
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#the worm speaks#i used one of my dad's envelopes for the paperwork and they had like these strips to peel away for the gum seal#but they weren't very good and i also had to open the one for my state taxes a couple times bc i forgot stuff. like the page w/my signature#and my dad saw me opening them n was like 'huh? you can just open them?' n i was like 'ya'#n he was like 'well that's not very safe.' n i was like 'nope!' n he told me to tape it shut n i was like 'i could wax seal them'#n he didn't believe that i had the supplies for it so he just laughed it off and so i went back to my room n got my wax seal stuff#and usually i do it w/a little candle in the bathroom w/the fan turned on n i strike a little penny match i bought in eighth grade#n i light the candle n do all that in the private of the bathroom but this time i just took it all down to the kitchen n used a stove burne#the first envelope i didn't flatten enough before putting the hot wax on and so it almost dripped off before i could actually seal it#but the second one turned out nice n so then i went over to my parents' room where they were discussing smth or other abt their own returns#and i was like 'look father the envelopes have been sealed' n he was like 'HAAAH? ...aiya...' and my mom was like '幹嗎? 她做甚麼?'#n so my dad just handed her the envelopes n she squinted at the seals n touched them disbelievingly#and then she was like 'how did you do that?!?' n i just showed her my wax sealing spoon n said 'with THIS!' n then my wax pellets#'and this!!' and then pointed in the direction of the kitchen 'and the stove!!!!'#anyway i was going to then also tape the sides like my dad told me to at first but then i couldn't find the tape
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the shapes you use to draw are so fucking exquisite but absolutely nothing gets me like when you give yakumo the biggest soppingest most watery eyes thank you for your service. doing him justice. may his slit be just as juicy (prayge)
(!^▽^)▽^^)▽^)!!!☆⌒✪✪ every time i draw him it's "i wonder what expression i should give him here. he could be feeling happy, or mad, or unsure or-" *hand instantly sketches two giant circles and wibbly round tears* gotDAMEiot
#stretches my arm across the room and GRIPS your shoulder#hey wait bro don't mention the slit and just leave#come on. sit down. have some tea. discuss the wetness of various parts of yakumo with me.#pats the floor next to me#i for one wonder whether he has snake eczema. or does he only get like that when he sheds his skin?#do i have to mist him to keep him comfortable?#certainly can't bring him out into the desert heat of solaria at noon again. gonna have a dried worm on my hands#if he's constantly losing water thru his tears or his slit or just general evaporation (the kitchen can get hot)#does he need to constantly drink water to stay hydrated?#actually#does yakumo sweat??????#i don't think i've paid attention to that.#trabesty. and i call myself a scholar#well it just so happens i'm about to post ANOTHER thing with a crying round yakumo so it looks like we're staying on brand today#nu carnival yakumo#feesh answer
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🔥 I feel like you might have at least one for htf
of COURSE i do!
i've briefly discussed this before, but it truly drives me batty when people insist that some or all of the characters are children, ESPECIALLY when they use that to jump down people's throats about like. shipping flippy/flaky or something. it's fine to have headcanons about the character's ages, but the fact of the matter is that none of them have confirmed, set in stone ages, and the only one confirmed to be a child is cub (the literal baby) and to do shit like call people "proshippers" and attack them for liking this or that pairing when none of them have ages is just ridiculous.
#ace rambles#unpopular opinions meme#happy tree friends#i'm actually not fond of the term ''proshipper'' at all i think it's a vague and oversimplified term for a very serious discussion#but that's a WHOLE other can of worms
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So basically I’ve had one of those mornings that makes you want to scream into a pillow. And this afternoon I have a meeting lol
#it’s just with the head of safeguarding/guidance counsellor person at the place i’m doing my web dev course#and it’s to discuss my progress on the course and if i need any extra help#but it’s like… if she asks how my life is going the answer is ‘fucking horribly’#i’m still unemployed despite my best efforts and it’s giving me brain worms#my dog is going so senile that i’m going to have to have her put down soon out of sheer like… wish for her to die with some type of dignity#she’s riddled with arthritis; she has a heart murmur and she’s had so many strokes that i think part of her brain is legitimately dead#my sister just died. my best friend is being stalked and harassed by her abusive ex and i can’t DO anything to help her#well nothing that wouldn’t land me in prison for 20 to life anyway#my other friend (yes i have exactly two friend; shut up) i Thought was ghosting me but she’s actually having a depressive episode#and i can’t help from 5000 miles away#i have no money. no prospects. a busted knee. i’ve lost interest in all my hobbies apart from the one that causes me to lose a bunch of#hours without realising (video games). and i’m disgusting. i didn’t shower this morning and i’ve been running around the neighbourhood#after my idiot terrier who has fully lost her mind but there is NOTHING wrong with her legs or lungs i can tell you that#i don’t know how we didn’t both have a heart attack in those people’s backyard#anyway. if you need me i’m going to let mabel out and see if she’ll produce something#and then i’m going to wash my terrible body#personal
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Something that pops up in my notes from time to time is folks thinking I'm being excessively kind in my criticisms of Dungeons & Dragons, and I'm going to spin this off into a separate thread to address that without putting anyone on the spot.
First, if your own critique of Dungeons & Dragons is rooted in the idea that it's the Worst Game Ever, that speaks more to the limits of your experience than it does to anything else. Dungeons & Dragons in any of its iterations is far from the worst the tabletop roleplaying hobby has to offer – like, you have no fucking idea!
Second, I tend to be even-handed in my discussion of D&D's rules because, fundamentally, the rules are not the problem – or, at least, not the principal cause of the problem.
In many ways, the indie RPG sphere has never escaped the spectre of Ron Edwards, sternly pronouncing that the mechanical process of playing traditional RPGs causes actual, physical brain damage, and that this brain damage is responsible for the bad behaviour we often observe at the table. We don't say it that way anymore, but on some level a lot of us indie RPG designers still kind of believe it.
This is understandable. As game designers, we're naturally inclined to think of problems at the table as game design problems. When we see a problematic culture of play, our impulse is to frame it as something which emerges from the text of the game, and which can therefore be mitigated by repairing the text of the game.
Confronted with the obvious toxicity of certain facets of D&D's culture of play, we go combing through its text, looking for something – some formalism, some structure, some piece of rules technology – which we can point to and say: "this is it; this is where the brain-worms live."
The trouble is, this is not in fact where the brain-worms live. Certainly, the text of a game, particularly a very popular one, can have some influence on the game's surrounding culture of play, but that text is in turn a reflection of the culture of play in which it was written. The Player's Handbook isn't an SCP object, spewing infectious infohazards everywhere when you crack open the cover – hell, I'd go so far as to say that many of the problems of D&D's culture of play operate in spite of the game's text, not because of it!
Basically, what I'm saying is that I don't see any contradiction between being the sort of pretentious knob who writes one-page indie RPGs about gay catgirls talking about their feelings (which I am), and speaking favourably about this or that piece of rules tech from whatever flavour of Dungeons & Dragons is in favour this week (which I do), because I recognise that you can't game-design your way out of a problem you didn't game-design your way into.
The fact that one of the biggest problems facing the tabletop roleplaying hobby is something that can't be repaired by fucking around with dice-rolling procedures is a bitter pill to swallow for a lot of indie game designers, and I won't say I wasn't resistant to it myself, but it's something that's both useful and necessary to accept.
(None of this means that the text of Dungeons & Dragons in any of its incarnations is beyond criticism on other grounds, of course, and I've never been shy about highlighting those criticisms where they're warranted. The only way you're gonna arrive at the conclusion that I'm some sort of D&D apologist is if you're starting from the presumption that The Real Problem Is The Rules.)
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🎃nightmare suit groovies~🎃
***Spoilers below the cut!! Please note: The R cards (Azul, Epel, Vil, Malleus) do not have new illustrations.***
OH MY GOD STOOOOP 😭 NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS CHARACTER CAMEOS IN THE GROOVIES??? ?? ?????? ??!???!? ?? ??? YOU MIGHT AS GFWELL WALK RIGHT UP TO ME AND IRiP MY FRIGIGN HEART OT RIGHT NOW
wWAHASL,ADFJHHDUPGFFI42T69O38QGPEGBIP;DGN;GDN;J J WORD SQUASHED U P IN THE AMYOR'S LITTLE CAR.. . . ....... . . . ... . . .. . ...... . . . OTL With the hair pushed back like that, teeth out, and eyes lidded, Jade almost looks like Floyd here. I THPOGU TI WOULDN'T BE sURIRPISED BY HIS SMIELS ANYMORE BUT I GUESS SI AWAS WRONG... This smile's very different than his unhinged/suspicious/evil ones and his pure ones, it's charming but more on the relaxed side. I also noticed the teeth are wider than usual (again, very Floyd-like), Jade's are narrower/smaller.
I like Trey's Groovy a ton! A lot more than I thought I would, actually. The blueish lighting and him looming over Sally's pot reminds me of his Club Wear card. ahdbasdlai There's also a slight sheen to his eyes, so Trey comes off like he's fascinated by her cooking and wants to learn more about Sally's techniques. He looks slightly shady too though, like some drug dealer inspecting the goods...
FHLBOQYW8QYFAFWI LRIDDLE'S RIDING IN THE CURSED CHILDREN'S BATHTUB... It's a little terrifying how hyperdetailed Lock, Shock, and Barrel's faces are and how they're all staring right at the camera. Riddle seems so calm, glancing at you over his shoulder with a little smirk. I usually don't use this adjective for him, but it makes Riddle feel cool! And since the image is shot from a slight worm's eye view angle, it gives him the illusion of being taller than he actually is--
Go figure, you slap the mad scientist character with the mad scientist of Halloween Town. Perfect pairing, honestly. I get very similar vibes between Idia and Dr. Finkelstein as I did with Trey and Sally; Idia is showing a real interest in the good (?) doctor's work and they appear to be deep in a discussion about it. The way Idia is bending over the table adgvkadsdval it kinda gives his body a more... triangular shape... that I just KNOW bro doesn't actually have. His face here seems more elegant than usual, almost Vil-like.
Thanks for the uncalled for viewing of the underside of your boot, Sebek 💀asjldboaysvyfevfeq I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS, he's trying so hard to come off as intimidating but I cannot see him as "the boss", even if he is posed like one. Give that jack 'o lantern some credit though, it sure is doing a fine job of supporting Sebek's big ol' beefy arm. Jack Skellington in the back is also sending me... Is he supposed to be intimidating??? That positioning just makes me think of someone leaning against a doorframe and trying to flirt by calling you their babygirl. GHBLIABFYIABFIAF ANYWAY I DON'T THINK THIS GROOVY WAS FOR ME
... wHAT THEFUCK. That was NOT what I expected of Jamil's Groovy. First was the weird pumpkin stroking, now bro's dancing with skeletons?????? IS THIS JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'REEMOTIONALLY REPREssED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE... YOU POP OFF AND DO THE MOST OUT OF PocKET THINGS FOR FUNSIES?????? Jamil looks so smug as he's doing it too, it feels like he's shittalking you like a Mean Girl while he's busting a sick dance move. (Cameo: his toof) Jack in the background also looks the most sinister of all the SSRs. That combination of laughter and showing off his teeth... Unsettling.
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waht the hell. What HTBbr heLL. WHAT THE ACUTLA EHLLMIS THIIISISISISISSJISISISSSZ>/>?????w?f>fwlwkwfkfwjfwjkqljirtfyqnNOEGWOQG.,P57KIRJEI0RW08J:????>f>>fw>f>fw<wf<q>:q?q>v?v?v?v??gogibopobfuiibadh wnethuhw
WHYT THEUFKC FDUCC DOES THIS SLAP SO HARFZD OTL
ADSHJFIAGVTFVUOQEFVUBKQDWLGYQERGYOQF evyEROYNTHING AB OITU T THIS IS JSUT.... AKJBFLIUHADFIADFLF RIGHT UP MY lallEY... The extreme bird's eye view angle????? Jack with his arms crossed and that skeletal smirk??? Zero's little duck beak-shaped mouth?? The eerie green glow emanating from the fountain water below them? NLBVHDSKIUEGFABOGVSAEFYIPodp D nad HE WHOS HALL NOT BE NAMED V,NJ DBIOADFVIYOADFOTVFE8AYPFIEGWOBPFQEBOVGWIPEGBSNMVPOADVBN;DDBK;RWHOUGWBIQEPGNJQEG TH wE WHAYT THE FUCKCING ANGLR FRAMES HIS TITS AND MAKES HIS LEGS LOOKN EXTRA LONG, THE GRIBGKDJULBADFLBAFD CAPE WSWISHinG EVEYRWHERE, THe LIGHTONIGF FON HIS AHDNNEOMS E DAFACE, THE FUIDFSLBDFBKHAEFLBHQEFALBFEAL FA HADN TTHE FEGRIIGGING HAND HE'S OVFFERINGF TO YOU7? ? ???????? ? ?b?@??gb ? ? ? ? ? ?b>b>KNBNRIOBIGEBOYVDOGY8EANOapnjbgywt80pboqegwp,m iS THIS FUCKING BITCH ASKING FOR OUR HAND??? ? ?? ?? ?DOOahaaHAHhhghghghhghhgHHHHHhhhHHHHARRHRHGHGHGHGHHHHGHGHGHGHHHHHH HH H HHHH H H H H H I WANNNA bE SANDED TO BE PUT ouT OF MY MiSERY, I'M TAKING SO JCMUCH PSYCHICHDAMAG E I CAN'T TAKE IT I';N M GOINC CGATRAZXY. .. . . .BVL;,DFIPTOTO OT LTLTKT FLFL BHIVUASFOVUAFSA
gGUSY I THINK TI',M GDON E FOR, IT'S LEoVER FOR ME I SPENT SO LONG DENYRINH IT I DIDN'T WANNA ADMITR IT FOR MY OWN PRIDE BUT I'M DONE fRO I'M A GONRER BYE IT'S JFDAUBIADGOVUAFODUTVEFTI7EFWOIAVD;LIVOYGPGWEFQOIGYEQPgkjd TIUFQETO3R1QEFOTFQEG.5OIMH903GW9UPBAfpjFOVHDN;./'[;,KP[K,[LN,,L>:c<<l:LBHIDABIOUFPAOYGVEQBFPGWBPGHLGWBPQEFPGIAE whnEN YOU YSEE ME DNEXT I'M OGNNA BE LAid OUT IN A PIUMPKING PATCH DECATINGF CUZ THSI GROOVFY KILELD ME
#disney twisted wonderland#disney twst#twst#twisted wonderland#twst jp#jp spoilers#twisted wonderland jp#twst halloween#twisted wonderland halloween#Riddle Rosehearts#Trey Clover#Azul Ashengrotto#Jade Leech#Leona Kingscholar#Jamil Viper#Epel Felmier#Vil Schoenheit#Idia Shroud#Malleus Draconia#Sebek Zigvolt#notes from the writing raven#dr. finkelstein#sally ragdoll#zero#nightmare before christmas mayor#lock shock and barrel#jack skellington#nightmare before christmas#Jack Leech thirst#NOT L*ONA ROT
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i just think that as a chemistry major i shouldn't be forced to take biology classes that expect me to memorize the everything to pass. i need some kind of "biology for chemistry majors" where they emphasize the techniques a living thing has at its disposal to remain at homeostasis and then look at how all these parts come together to form a complex living organism undergoing constant holistic processes to remain at equilibrium. i don't need to know what a golgi apparatus is called i just need to know how it serves its function in the complex process of transforming A into B
#had to google golgi apparatus just now to know what it does (process lipids n protiens apparently) i haven't been in a bio class since 2016#my classmates in o chem would usually conplain to me abt the bio classes forcing them to memorize a bunch of#species that fall under certain taxonomic classifications bc their specificities Would show up on the exam#n i'm just like. that is a horror show. why do i need to be able to id 36 types of mollusks.#i'm probably Also like this bc i haven't taken a bio class since 2016 unless you count high school physiology then 2018#the worm speaks#my thoughts on academia are pretty much always 'this sucks please let me test into the very specific credentials i want'#bc academia tends to assume that the things i wanna research are the things i wanna teach but that is actually untrue#mostly bc my fave parts of chemistry are the very foundational things n what i like abt teaching it is that you have to balance#accuracy with generality so that new students don't get totally lost in the details of it all or spend too much time focused on a niche#my interest in discussing w/experts mostly extends out to 'okay tell me the new findings. ooo cool i'll incorporate that'#'good luck with your problem tho' no interest in helping out with specifics. only interested in being able to communicate knowledge#the stuff i'd have more interest in discussing and researching lie more in the arts. i do love discussing a good symbolism#probably bc i can also accept that there's never really one exact answer! like what if i do a stem research and then im just Wrong.#art and the human condition on the other hand!! let's go let us gather the Contexts and then Discuss!!!
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Contempt of Court || Challengers
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Art Donaldson X Fem!Reader
CW: 18+ MDNI. Alcoholism / substance abuse. Suicidal ideation. Mentions of car crash/ injury, infidelity (technically - Art is still married to Tashi, but they’re separated) Angst. Smut. A little toxic.
Wordcount: 10.8K
Notes: No use of y/n. Set after the events of the film. Reader is a Tashi stan (There’s too much Tashi Duncan erasure happening and I won’t stand for it.)
Summary: Still recovering from an injury that put your tennis career on pause, your publicist has landed you a deal to be an ambassador for Nike. What she doesn’t tell you, is that so is Art Donaldson: the player who bad-mouthed you in a live, post match interview two years ago. You only find out once it’s too late.
(This story was inspired by the dynamic between Billy and Daisy in Daisy Jones and The Six. But…make it tennis.)
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For eight agonising weeks, your wrist has been encased in a cast, but now that it’s finally off, you feel far from relieved.
As the doctor had sawn into the plaster, producing a cloud of white dust like he was breaking into a bone instead of revealing a healed one, you had actually felt panicked.
After the car crash, you had spiralled into a pit dug with your own self-pity and pain. And once you’d reached the bottom, you’d staved off the encroaching darkness with alcohol and too many painkillers.
You’d taken drugs before at parties and drunk until you wiped your own memory, the consequence being waking up with your skull practically splitting open from pain. But there was something profoundly different about becoming intoxicated in the hopes of rendering yourself numb:
You hated yourself whilst you were doing it, and once the harmful buzz wore off, you hated yourself a little bit more.
You had become fast friends with shame in the past few months.
You have been desperate to play again, screaming, crying and practically tearing off your own skin with the need to get back to work- to not let yourself fall behind or your ranking suffer.
But, amongst the amalgamation of negatives there had been a sort of relief, too. Relief, because the choice had been taken away from you.
The accident hadn't been your fault and nor could you force your bone to heal faster, so for a brief period of time, you had convinced yourself nothing was your fault. For once, you couldn’t be blamed for your own fall from grace.
But now your bone had healed and if you didn’t give recovery your all, it would be your fault. If there was no triumphant comeback, it would be on you.
Another thing to fail at.
Another thing to lose.
All of which only added to your bafflement over your publicist’s insistence on coming over this morning, in order to discuss ‘a major opportunity’ that wasn’t related to a competition.
You had originally tried to worm out of it, but your coach had found out and given you the third degree.
You’re already tired at the thought of it and you don’t even know what it is yet. You don’t want to think about anything but tennis. You don’t have the energy for it.
In all honesty…you’re hanging on by a thread.
‘Drinking too much’ is a far too casual phrase for how you’ve been living: it has connotations of casualness- a glaring lack of stakes. For you, the stakes are unbelievably high.
You know you can’t afford to become alcohol dependent because even being a functioning alcoholic isn’t an option for you. The only way to function as an athlete—to maintain your career trajectory and the attain the US Open title—is to be at one hundred percent.
Mixing your painkillers with straight vodka isn’t one hundred percent: it’s a cry for fucking help. Except you can’t let anyone hear the cry, you need to stifle it.
It’s bad enough that pictures of you being rolled away from your totalled car in a gurney had been plastered over the internet for weeks after the accident. The alcoholic, pill popping tennis pro was a story that would never go away.
It would morph into an ugly sort of infamy: you’d been in the exclusive club of American sweethearts and heartthrobs who had been hounded so much by the ‘devoted’, that it had driven them to substance abuse to drown out the noise and fortify against the flashing lights.
So, no one could know. No one.
Which is why, as your publicist pulls into your driveway, you’re rushing to hide a half full bottle of vodka inside a hideously expensive—and also just hideous—vase that had been given to you as an engagement gift.
Two years ago, when your fiancé–and fellow tennis player–had been caught in 4k, kissing a barely legal actress from a HBO teen drama, you’d almost smashed the vase. But, something about destroying a gift from Serena Williams felt like spitting out the ambrosia a god had fed you from their very own hand.
So, while your ring had been thrown into a ravine (best not to dwell on that.) the vase had remained.
The doorbell rings much sooner than you’re prepared for. Who knew a five-foot-two woman in heels could move so quickly?
You run over to the door, chewing down on two pieces of gum you’d hastily shoved into your mouth to cover up the scent of alcohol. When you pull it open, you’re met with the stern face of your Publicist, Rebecca. She’s tiny but terrifying, her sharp features framed by a pitch black bob.
Sometimes, it does feel a bit like you’re talking to Edna Mode, but you’d never dare say that.
“Rebecca, hi!” You’re aware the greeting is too happy, and try not to grimace.
When you step back to allow her to enter, Rebecca frowns at you as she passes.
“Why are you fake smiling?” she questions. “Your cast is off, you should be actually happy.”
You drop the toothy grin, wincing with embarrassment as you follow her into the kitchen.
“I am happy about that, obviously.” You clear your throat, overly aware of how disingenuous you still seem. “What I’m not exactly overjoyed about, is whatever this ‘opportunity’ is.”
You watch as Rebecca grabs bottle of water from the fridge and then pulls out a stool to sit at the kitchen island. You follow suit, dropping down beside her.
“Well, you should be. I practically had to sell my soul to get them to pick you.”
You level her with an unimpressed look. “Wow, Rebecca, way to raise me up from rock bottom.”
She waves you away. “Oh, please! You hate when I coddle you.”
You huff, dropping your chin into hand and propping your elbow on the counter. “Okay, out with it then. What is it?”
Rebecca’s cheeks split with a blinding grin. “Nike.” She declares gleefully.
“Nike.”
Her smile dampens, disappointed you haven’t burst into happy tears. “Yes, Nike. You know…Just Do It.”
“Yes, I do. I’d just prefer not, you know…do it.”
Your publicist looks just about ready to slap you. “You’re kidding. It’s Nike.”
“Oh, is it? You haven’t mentioned that.”
Rebecca’s frown becomes a scowl and you think about ducking when she angrily snatches up her water bottle. But she doesn’t throw it, just waves it around as she begins to rant at you:
“Do you know how hard it was to get this?! They wanted Naomi Osaka but I convinced them to go for you instead. And christ knows they were hesitant after the US Open meltdown-”
“We agreed not to refer to it as a meltdown.” You cut in. “My therapist says it has negative connotations that, ‘make me feel a harmful degree of shame.’”
Rebecca scoffs. “You went to one session with that therapist and then fired her because you didn’t like that she drew you a diagram.”
“It was condescending: I’m not five, I don’t need visual aids.”
“Okay, just shut up!” Rebecca barks, smoothing down her still immaculate hair and taking a deep breath. “This isn’t actually up for discussion. You’re doing it.”
“I’m not doing it.”
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( Two Weeks Later… )
‘Just Do It.’
It’s the first thing you see when you walk into the Nike office for the photoshoot.
The poster from a past campaign with Andy Murray has been blown up to ridiculous proportions and framed, hanging in on the first wall that greets anyone who enters.
“If they make mine that big I won’t be able to look at it. I’ll actually vomit. ”
When Rebecca–who is the epitome of a chatterbox–remains silent, you turn you head to look down at her. She’s already peering up at you, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.
Your eyes narrow with suspicion. “What have you done?”
Rebecca lets out a laugh laced with unadulterated fear. “Okay…so, any minute now you’re going to be super fucking pissed at me and you have every right to be, but remember that as you’ve already signed the contract, you don’t have a right to walk out of here.”
You stare her down, knowing it doesn’t take much intimidation for her to crack.
You don’t end up needing her to blabber, however, because not even five seconds later, the door you’d just come through swings open and a lone figure enters.
As you turn, you feel your publicist actually take a step away from you.
“Rebecca, I’m going to kill you.”
You’re not looking at her as you spit out the threat, your eyes are already boring into the man who’s noted your presence and is lingering just beyond the doorway.
Your history with Art Donaldson is far from extensive. In fact, while the trajectory of your careers have practically run parallel, the two of you have spoken maybe twice.
But then, almost two years ago, the U.S Open had happened.
Still dealing with the fall out of your fiance’s cheating scandal, you’d been in potentially the worst mental space of your life. And yet, you had still made it to the final.
But, during the match…well you’d sort of lost your shit. And then you’d just lost. It had been dramatic and mortifying.
Then, with the dust not even close to settling, things had gotten even worse.
Having just clinched the men’s singles trophy for himself, Art Donaldson had sat down for his live post-match interview and one of the first questions he’d been asked, was about your ‘comportment’ during the final.
You would never forget his answer:
'Well, obviously it’s a massive disappointment. In so many ways the match between those two women today was legendary. But it always stings when you see someone get in their own way. Anger like that doesn’t belong on the court: it’s infantile and disrespectful to staff and to the fans. It threatens to overshadow what was otherwise a phenomenal game of tennis for both of them.'
When he had then been pressed for his thoughts on what should be done in regards to sanctions, Art had simply said: ‘I think whatever she’s feeling that made her act that way, is probably punishment enough.’
In a few minutes, Art had made you a subject of scorn as well as unwanted sympathy. He’d made you sound simultaneously contemptible and pitiable.
He was right, but he hadn’t needed to sound so sanctimonious when he’d said it. And telling the world your own mental anguish was probably torment enough, was just salt in the wound.
In your own defence, you had gone into the final right off the back of the announcement that your ex-fiancé’s new girlfriend was pregnant. And the dates had made it blindingly clear, that conception had happened whilst you were still with him.
You’d never felt so worthless or dehumanised. And then, after you’d practically killed yourself playing the match of your life, only to lose, Art fucking Donaldson had felt the need to call out your behaviour.
‘Anger like that doesn’t belong on the court.’
Anger ‘like that’ wasn’t something you’d brought to the competition in your overhead luggage, it was a parasite that had been poisoning your blood.
You’d thought that sort of self-cannibalising rage was in your past, bust as Art starts walking over to you, it rears its ugly head once more.
And he has the gall to smile at you. It’s an amicable, almost anticipatory smile.
You barely even register when Rebecca ducks away, muttering something about finding the photographer.
Art calls out your name as he stops before you, the corners of his eyes creasing as his smile intensifies. “It’s good to see you.”
“The feeling is not mutual.” You intone harshly.
Art’s smile doesn’t drop, it just becomes tighter, his eyes sparkling with mirth. “Ah- so you are still upset about what I said at the Open.”
You glare at him, forcing yourself to stop gritting your teeth lest they shatter. “What could possibly make you think that I wouldn't be?”
Art laughs softly, running a hand through his short blonde hair. “Well, because your coach and your publicist both assured me that you weren’t.”
Those fucking traitors.
It looks like you’ll be going into tomorrow with only your nutritionist and your physio left on your team.
“They lied.” You reply sharply.
Art tilts his head, his gaze becoming brazen in the way it assesses your face. “Clearly.”
“Well, obviously this isn’t happening.” You gesture between the two of you. “I’m not doing a photoshoot, let alone an entire campaign, with you.”
“I don’t see why it can’t go ahead.” Art declares casually, his lips tugging upward as he observes your indignation.
You take a step back, not trusting yourself not to lunge for him.
“Well, it’s a good thing I have little regard for your opinion then, isn’t it?”
Art's brows draw together, some irritation beginning to pollute his easy going demeanour. “You do care.”
“Excuse me?”
“You do care about my opinion, because f you didn’t, you wouldn’t still be this pissed over something I said years ago.
“Pissed?” You almost choke on the word. “You made me sound pathetic. Weak. You insulted my entire career!”
“I seem to recall saying that your match was ‘legendary.’ Phenomenal, is another word I used.”
If there wasn’t so much anger writhing in your gut, you might have rubbed it in his face that for something he’s outwardly dismissing, he seems to remember what he said about you very well.
You step up to him, closing the distance in two strides.
“‘Whatever she’s feeling that made her act that way, is probably punishment enough.’ You said that about me in front of peers and fans in a live interview that was watched by thousands!”
“You’re telling me you don’t think you were out of line?” Art challenges, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning in.
You know he’s not wrong: it hadn’t been your finest hour. In fact, the morning after, with your behaviour laid bare in the cold light and already being picked over by commentators and tabloids, you had been able to acknowledge it may very well have been one of the worst hours you would ever have.
But you’d rather die than acknowledge that to Art.
“Oh, that’s fucking rich coming from you!” You hit back disparagingly.
Art’s fingers dig into his arms. “What does that mean?”
“It means you’re a hypocrite, Art. I watched your match against Patrick Zweig at the…what was it- Phil’s Tire Town Challenger? Someone recorded it from the stands. Tell me, what emotion were you bringing to the court when you yelled ‘fuck you’ at him across the net?”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m not proposing a thesis, Art. This isn’t up for debate. I’m just telling you what I saw. And it seems to me, that you have some fucking anger issues of your own, so quit chewing me out over mine.”
“Chewing you out–” He splutters, his cheeks flushing with outrage. “Wow, you really do have a victim complex, huh?”
“Fuck you!” You seethe.
Your exclamation doesn’t dissuade Art, instead he gathers momentum:
“You’re acting like I should fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness over an entirely reasonable answer I gave to a question about your piss-poor behaviour. But I didn’t make you launch your racket across the court or cuss out the line judge. You’re not a tragic woman, or some wronged heroine, you’re a grown woman throwing a tantrum because I wasn’t very nice about her in an interview, two goddamn years ago!”
“Well, I’m a bitch and you’re a hypocrite, looks like neither of us should be tennis’ poster child.” You snap, pushing past him and heading for the door.
There was absolutely no chance you were doing this photoshoot. Nike could give Naomi Osaka another call.
Just as you’ve got past him, Art is following you, snagging your wrist with his hand. “Hey! I didn’t call you a bitch.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone. Badmouthing people in public forums is your move.”
You yank yourself out of his hold and with his eyes burning into the back of your head, you leave Art Donaldson alone in the lobby.
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( Three Weeks Later… )
In the intervening weeks since your confrontation with Art, you have discovered just how airtight employment contracts can be.
Nike should really give their lawyers a raise, because you have been assured that there is more chance of you sprouting wings, than being able to get out of the ad campaign.
You’d been forced back to the studio a week later with your tail between your legs, but while you’d felt genuinely apologetic over the inconvenience caused to Nike’s team, your fury at Art had only compounded.
Thankfully, the feeling had been mutual and the two of you had passed the entire shoot in utter silence. Neither of you had offered up so much as a hello or goodbye to the other, and while it had clearly been painfully awkward for everyone around you, it had worked out quite well.
Unfortunately, you and Art had been called back for a day of what they were calling ‘action shots.’
Which is why you’re currently at a country club, dressed in all of Nike’s new gear, being forced to actually play tennis against Art.
If it was anyone else, you would already have drawn attention to the fact that your wrist is in excruciating pain, but you refuse to falter in front of him.
Besides, as much as you’re loathe to admit it, playing against Art is exhilarating.
The team have just called for a break and somehow, despite the innumerable people that have been buzzing around you for the entire day, you and Art suddenly find yourselves alone at the side of the court.
You’ve done well at remaining civil with each other, but that’s only because you only said ‘hello’ and ‘ready’ before you’d started playing.
Unfortunately for you, Art seems to be in the mood to antagonise.
“I don’t get why this is making you so miserable.” Art says, dropping down onto the bench beside you with a shit-eating grin on his face.
You hold up the can in your hand, fingers biting into the condensation slick metal.
“I specifically asked for Tangerine La Croix and they’ve given me Pure.” You mock. You couldn't care less about what you’re drinking.
“Funny.” Art deadpans.
“And here was me thinking you’d jump at the chance to call me a diva.” You answer, donning a smirk of your own.
“You’re being ridiculous.”
Some genuine anger colours Art’s tone and it only feeds the fires of your own.
“What?”
Art grabs the can from your hand and maintains eye contact as he steals as a sip.
“You refuse to let go of a few critical, but very valid sentences I said about you in that interview and you’ve used them to construct a narrative about my dislike for you. I don’t dislike you.”
“Oh, you don’t? That’s good, because this amicable exchange is really making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”
Art groans, slumping back on the bench. He manspreads so wide that his knee knocks into yours.
“Can you not just enjoy yourself? It’s a beautiful day and we’re being paid to do what we’re great at.”
You wrinkle your nose and try to snatch back the can, but Art tightens his grip and the metal crumples as you both tighten your hold.
“Yeah, well, not everyone gets off on having their face on a billboard.” You sneer, almost falling back when Art suddenly lets go of the can.
It’s practically empty and completely deformed, so you slam it down onto the empty space beside you.
“How do you know that I do?”
“What?”
“How do you know that I get off on it?” He repeats glibly.
“Because, you’ve clearly wanted to retire for years and now that you have, you can monopolise on the popularity that your wife built up for you and live off clothing lines and ads for the rest of your life.”
“Being great at tennis built up my popularity.”
“Oh, don’t tell me you actually believe that, Art? So many phenomenal players go widely unknown for their entire careers. You are only The Art Donaldson instead of just plain old Art, because Tashi Duncan made you a brand. She’s responsible for your legacy.”
“She didn’t make me.”
“Maybe not, but she did mould you into what you are. You would have been just another generic Stanford whiteboy if she hadn’t decided to give you fucking form.”
“You talk about her like she’s God.”
“Are you telling me that’s not what it feels like when her attention is solely on you?” You challenge, but you don’t wait for an answer. “You know, I actually played her quite a lot when we were teenagers– we always ended up being us against each other in finals– and even then…it was like trying to play against an elemental force. Every time, without fail, there was a tiny part of me that just wanted to fall to my fucking knees in front of her. But I never did, instead it made my game better. She made my game better. Tashi put all she had into you after her injury, the least you could do is acknowledge what she’s done for you.
“You don’t have to tell me what I owe my wife.”
You scoff, rising to your feet. “I’m telling you what you owe your coach.”
You don’t actually know where you’re going as you walk away, only that you need it to be far from him.
━━━━∙⋆⋅⋆∙━━━━
( Two Months Later… )
At the launch event for Nike’s new line, you’re standing in front of the massive poster that’s at the forefront of the campaign and swallowing down bile.
It’s a great picture, you’ll give them that: Your feet are practically lifting off the ground as you throw up the ball for a serve, your expression is contorted with a ruinous passion that portends some sort of violence. And across the net, there’s Art: he’s dropped into a crouch, ready to pounce once you send the ball his way. In the face of your fury, his anticipation comes fitted out with his signature smirk.
It’s not just a great photo, it’s phenomenal.
You want to tear it off the wall.
You’re on the verge of asking anyone if they have a pen so you can scribble over Art’s face, when the man himself appears beside you. In your peripheral vision you catch a glimpse of his sleek, all black suit, but you don’t turn to look at him.
“I’m not sure you’d get away with defacing it in front of so many people.”
Trying to suppress your eye roll would be a fruitless endeavour, so you turn to face Art, forcing him to bear witness to your indignation.
“You should know by now that I have little regard for decorum. You certainly like commenting on my lack of it.”
“I thought you’d still be hung up on that.”
“Yeah, well, some of us have follow through.” You give him a venomous smile. “How is retirement treating you?”
“Ah, I should have known.”
“Known what?”
“You see retirement is quitting. So, you’ll force yourself to continue well past the point you should, your game will get shittier and shittier, so by the time you’re forced to quit, people will be pitying you instead of remembering how phenomenal you were.”
There’s a compliment in there, but you’re not feeling generous of spirit enough to pluck it out of the insult.
“I know when to stop, Art. It’s just not now.” You answer coldly.
“Okay, when? Like- give me your timeline. You must have thought about it.”
“Not yet.”
This answer seems to really frustrate him and he just stares at you, a muscle in his jaw feathering as he grips his champagne flute.
“Do you think I didn’t notice how much your wrist was killing you when we played each other? Are you really going to wreck your body out of stubbornness?”
“You know, Art, what you did wasn’t bowing out at the perfect time, it was cowardice. You skipped right to the curtain call when you still had a last act left to perform. You never got that US Open trophy, did you?”
Art sighs, his gaze moving back to the photo of the two of you. "Yeah well, something tells me you won't either. Have a good night."
Then he's backing away, his stare lingering on you even as he lets the crowd reabsorb him.
━━━━∙⋆⋅⋆∙━━━━
( One Month Later… )
Had Tashi Duncan not been one of the people in your life that you most respected and admired, you wouldn’t even have considered attending the fundraising gala for her and Art’s foundation.
But you were, quite frankly, obsessed with her, so of course you had come.
Sitting in an uncomfortably tight dress at a table of people you don’t know and with a fair amount of alcohol circulating through your system, is quite possibly the most painstaking thing you’ve ever gone through.
Apart from the car crash. That had been pretty bad.
But you’re adamant you won’t think about the car crash tonight, or the fact that, somehow, your wrist seems to be getting worse; devolving to a state more dire than when the cast had first come off.
The meal—which you hadn’t been able to stomach—had come and gone and now the auction is beginning. Tashi is up on the stage, dazzling in the way that only she can and Art is standing at the bottom of the set of stairs that lead up to the platform.
Unfortunately, your table is very close to the front and you’re positioned right in his eyeline.
Art keeps stealing glances at you with an emotion you can’t place. You had tried to switch seats with the man across from you, but the asshole turned out to be a real stickler for assigned seating.
If only to distract yourself, you whip out your phone, resting it in your lap beneath the table.
The moment you open up Instagram, your heart drops into your stomach.
You thought you had expunged any remnants of your ex from your life, but it seems you’ve missed a mutual friend on Instagram, one who has just reposted his engagement announcement with his girlfriend and mother of his now one year old daughter.
That bastard has broken your heart and wrecked your head, but while your life just keeps getting worse, the universe has seen fit to bless him with everything he’s ever wanted.
The auction is already in full swing when you rise clumsily from your seat and weave through the tables, heading for the closest exit.
It’s only as you push open the door and begin to sway, that you realise you’re actually quite tipsy. You might have drunk a little too much before you’d left the house.
It’s freezing outside, but you can’t face going back for your coat, so, unsteady on your feet, you flee into the extensive gardens that surround the estate that’s acting as the gala’s venue.
You walk well past the point where the lawn lighting disappears and clamber over a fence that has ‘restricted area’ prominently posted in front of it.
You don’t know where you’re going, but as you stagger down the hill, your sadness is alleviated very slightly by the sight of a massive pond that you’re sure is beckoning to you.
You kick off your heels and drop down onto the bank, quick to put your feet into the water. Once you’re settled, you retrieve your hip flask from your clutch and begin to guzzle vodka in earnest.
“What the hell are you doing?!”
You turn and you find an incensed Art striding towards you. You’re more than a little delighted by the sight of mud splattered over the polished surface of his shoes.
“I was having some time to myself.”
“You needed to walk all the way down here to get it?”
You laugh caustically, gesturing at him. “Well…no. Obviously I should have walked even further away.”
Art huffs, entirely unimpressed. He takes a few steps further down the bank and holds out a hand beckoning you over.
“Come on, you need to come back inside.”
“Why is that?”
“Because, you offered tennis lessons with yourself as an auction item and you’re up soon. You need to be on stage.”
Ah. You’d forgotten about that.
“Why do I need to be seen? It’s not like they’re buying me.”
“You still can’t stay in there. Get out.”
“I’m not in it, Art. I’m just dangling my feet in the water.”
“Well, you can’t ‘dangle’ your feet in there, it’s a pond not a swimming pool.”
“I can’t?” You feign a bafflement as you look at your feet, submerged in the murky water. “I sort of already am?”
Art moves even closer but falters, his bright eyes becoming an invading force: his gaze takes hold of your edges and peels them back.
He can see inside.
“What’s wrong?” He probes, the harsher edges of his previous words now nowhere to be found.
“At the moment, it’s you.”
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not actually, but I’m getting there.”
Art’s eyes flick to the metal object glinting in your hand. “Is that a hip flask?”
“What a keen eye you have.” You mutter sardonically.
“Okay, I'm serious now, get out.”
“Oh, he’s being serious!” You mock, rising to your feet.
But you don’t move away from the pond. Instead, you turn and start walking backwards into the water you wobble when your bare feet sink into the mud, icy liquid seeping into the thin fabric of your silk dress.
Art lunges forward, closing the distance until he’s standing at the edge of the water. His hand darts out and he grabs your forearm.
“You’re too close to drunk to be near a body of water, let alone in one. You’ll drown yourself.”
Art plucks the hip flask from your fingers with his free hand and tosses it into the grass behind him, all without taking his eyes off you.
Then he seems to actually register where his hand is. He’s still gazing into your eyes as his thumb brushes over the scar above your wrist.
“Compound fracture.” You say on a bitter breath. “The bone went right through. Fucking drunk driver. Funny that, isn’t it? He crashed into me, fucked my career probably permanently and then I became a drunk to cope.”
Some of the hardness in Art’s expression melts away, but it pools into the bags beneath his eyes and the shadows beneath his cheekbones, making him look almost distraught. Once you realise it’s sadness--no, pity--for you, you wrench your wrist out of his grasp and wade further back into the pond.
You gasp, shocked as the frigid water wraps around your legs in an eager embrace. It’s like it’s clinging on, wanting to keep you forever.
You find the thought of it quite peaceful.
You think on Art’s words from months ago: he’s right, about you being too stubborn to know when to stop. You won’t retire until you’re physically falling apart.
But what if you just sink down into the water right now? You’d disappear and the memories would be of a great player gone too soon.
God, you didn’t realise you had such a large ego that you’d consider letting yourself drown just to save face.
Art is beyond unimpressed now. He’s furious.
“Get out.” You just smile at him, stepping further back. The water reaches your navel and you let your fingertips skim over the water. “I’m not kidding, get the fuck out. Now.”
“Will you just back off!” You erupt. “We’ve done the campaign, we’re not friends, there’s no reason for us to be involved.”
“None of that gives me a reason to leave you alone out here.”
“Why not?!” You protest desperately. “It’s not the ocean, I can’t be swept out to sea!”
“Get out of the water.”
“No.”
“Get out.”
“Get fucked.” You hit back, letting yourself sink back into the water.
As you move to float on your back, another frantic laugh bubbles up as you're enveloped by its icy grip. Your dress becomes heavier, a five thousand dollar weight around your body, urging you to sink lower.
You turn your head to the side so that you can see the surface of the water:
This far out of the city, the stars are no longer choked by smog and so are able to tear through the darkness. The water perfectly mirrors the sky, so much so that it’s like you’re swimming in the cosmos. If you open your mouth, you could take some of it into yourself.
You had struggled to get out of bed this morning, but now, in the quiet night, you have the chance to swallow a thousand stars–
Impudent splashing disrupts your peace.
Your head shoots up, water running in eager rivulets off your hair as you watch wide eyed, as Art drops into the water. His jacket and shoes have been discarded on the edge of the bank.
“What are you doing?”
Art doesn’t answer, instead he drives through the water towards you, his strides producing ripples that disturb the reflected constellations. Shooting stars.
You’re not very far out, so just as Art closes in on you, you plant your feet on the muddy bottom of the pond and stand up.
The fabric of your dress is dark and slick against your body like an oil spill. The breeze blows a tentative breath against you, causing your skin to pebble and your nipples to harden.
Art reaches for you but your hand flies out and you swat him away.
You push yourself further out, giggling at his expression as the water comes up to your chin.
Then Art’s diving after you, the white material of his shirt submerged in the water.
“Art, this is a pond, not a swimming pool.” You tease, amusement blooming.
In fact, you’re relishing the sight of his arms pushing through the water so much, that you forget to make another escape attempt.
Before you know it, Art is right up in front of you, his breath coasting over your face as he wraps an arm around your middle beneath the water.
You drive your feet into the mud, your smile growing as he looks exasperatedly up at sky. His fingers press into your side.
“This is so beyond funny.” He grouses, trying and failing to tug you closer.
Seeing as you’re not actually drunk, you’re not sure what comes over you, but you’re seized by a giddy, childlike urge.
You decide to give into it.
Art’s eyes widen slightly as you rush forward, pressing your chest right up against his. Then, you place one hand on each of his shoulders and push.
There’s a brief moment, where your face rises above Art and he gazes up at you, droplets of water rolling off your face and onto him. He’s looking at you in the same way you had been gazing up at the stars. Perhaps you’ve become one of them. Wouldn’t that be something?
Art realises too late what you’re going to do.
“Don’t you dare–”
You push all of your weight onto his shoulders and dunk him into the pond. His head goes under, short blonde locks floating up in the water.
You immediately let him go and when he comes up, spluttering for air, the hand not on your waist winds around the back of your neck, threading into the hair at the nape of your neck. He pulls you flush against him again.
When he speaks, it is a whisper you feel against your cheek. “You’re such an asshole.”
Your hands fall onto his waist beneath the water. “I know.”
You shriek as Art tips you back, his hand still cradling the back of your neck as he dunks your head into the water in retaliation. It feels like a baptism.
When you come back up, he's chuckling as you gasp for air.
“I had to do that.” Art defends.
He notices you scrambling to push soaked strands of hair out of your eyes and proceeds to help you, his hand brushing over your cheeks and forehead before returning your sight to you.
“I feel like you didn’t have to.” You splutter, fighting back a laugh of your own.
You’re suddenly glad for his grip on you- you’re far too flustered to stand firmly on your own two feet.
Art’s cheek’s dimple as he smiles, shaking his head at you. Your breath hitches.
When he’s unencumbered by negative emotion…Art shines.
He leans in again, his lips grazing the shell of your ear:
“Don’t start something you’re not prepared to finish, sweetheart.” Your breathing becomes even more laboured as he draws away, his nose briefly dragging against your cheek. “Now…get out of the goddamn pond.”
And then he’s pulling away, leaving you gaping after him as he moves back towards the bank.
His touch is an absence you really wish didn’t feel so profound
“Spoilsport.” You grumble. But you’re already moving after him.
The alcohol you did have in you has disappeared; shocked out of your system by the frigid water and the feel of Art’s hands.
You wade back towards the bank, your hip flask is nestled in the grass and glinting seductively in the moonlight.
With Art’s back to you, you let yourself stare as he drags himself out of the water. His shirt is stuck to his body and entirely see through, settling into the ridges of his muscled chest. The moon’s light shines through the fabric hanging from his sleeves, making it look like the membrane of wings.
As Art kneels on the grass, you blink rapidly as if he’s a vision you can dispel from your sight.
You can acknowledge he’s attractive- you’re not blind– but you can’t abide the yearning arising within you. You don’t have room for that in your life, for anyone, but especially not for him.
You finally reach the edge of the bank and then Art is kneeling at the edge, holding a hand out for you to take.
You consider him for a moment and process the newfound ease on his face. He seems almost serene.
You fight off a shiver that you blame on the cold and ignore his outstretched hand, pulling yourself out of the water unaided.
“Really?” Art bites out irritatedly, watching as you wander over to your hip flask and sit down right beside it. You take it into your hand and unscrew the cap.
When you bring it to your lips you look right into his eyes. “Really.”
You throw your head back, the path the vodka burns down your throat is a welcome discomfort. You had felt far too peace just now, floating in a sea of stars with Art.
But those weren’t stars, just a reflection of them. It was a trick. Nothing that could ever be real.
When you drop the now empty flask into your lap, there are tears in your eyes.
When was the last time you’d felt even close to the happiness you’d found in that water?
It wasn’t real.
A traitorous tear is already rolling down your cheek as you drop your eyes to your hands.
“Hey.” Art says softly. He kneels down beside you, one hand on your soaked back as the other plucks the flask out your lap. “What’s wrong?”
You make a noise that’s half sob, half laugh. “I already answered that question.”
“Yeah, except I know you’re full of shit.” When you look up at him, Art’s frown becomes something gentler. “I know I’m not your problem.”
You scoff, shoving his chest. He sways backwards, but drops down onto his knees, planting himself on the ground beside you. His hand is still on your back.
“Yes, you are actually.” You answer nastily. “You really are.”
“Just tell me.” Art whispers, ducking his head into your field of vision so you’re forced to look at him. His free hand settles on your cheek. “Tell me what’s wrong because this…is sort of scary.”
You lift your hands and clasp his cheeks, digging your fingers in. You’re overcome by a violent impulse to tear into his skin.
It would be far easier to draw blood than confront how you’re beginning to feel about him.
“Aww.” You croon. “Did I scare the poor little baby?”
“Stop it.” He scolds. His hands move to grasp your wrists but he doesn't pull you away, not even as you press your nails further in.
But you won’t stop- can’t stop. Your feelings have become spiteful and unruly, running away from you at a pace which you can’t hope to match.
You can’t take the strain. And because Art is the contributor to that is closest to you, it’s him you’re going to lash out at.
“No, really, I didn’t think you’d be such a pussy.” You forge on, spewing venom. “I scared you by getting in a pond? Grow the fuck up, Art.”
But Art doesn’t rise to it. His jaw doesn’t clench and his grip on you doesn’t tighten.
“This isn’t okay.” He says, tentative but assured. “You’re not okay.”
“No, I'm not!” You snap wrenching your wrists free. “But it’s got absolutely nothing to do with you.”
You try to rise to your feet, but Art doesn’t let you. He moves so he’s kneeling either side of you, his legs pressing into your thighs as his hands fall onto your shoulders. You can feel in the way his fingers press into you that he’s fighting the urge to shake sense into you.
You look up at him, slightly startled by his forcefulness. His back is facing the moon now and his drenched body is limned in silver.
Before you can berate yourself for even thinking about it, you’re winding your hand around his tie and dragging him down, smashing your lips against his.
You shouldn't be doing this, a large part of you doesn’t want to, but it feels like the only way to purge yourself of him. And what kills a bacteria faster than blazing heat?
Art lets out a warning groan, but your teeth nipping his bottom lip is all it takes to have him leaning in. Even your kiss feels like a fight, battling each other for control, pressing with bruising force.
Art crowds over you, guiding your back against the grass.
You let yourself fall.
As your back presses into the earth, one of his hands settles on the side of your neck as he drags the other up your leg. When he peels up the sodden material of your dress, his hand exploring your thigh, the cold air bites tauntingly against your rapidly heating skin.
Your hard nipples brush against his soaked t-shirt and the feeling is so tantalising, that you find your back arching, pressing yourself into him and chasing the sensation.
When you let out a moan into his mouth, Art draws back as if some unseen hand has pulled on him.
He’s still agonisingly close, his lips a hair's breadth away as he gazes down at you through heavy eyelids, water droplets running down his face from his hair. His breathing is ragged.
Art’s eyes close and with his sight lost to him, his lips drift closer to you again and his teeth nip at your chin. After placing a ghost of kiss over where he’s bitten, he takes a deep breath.
Then his eyes open, and his expression is blank. It makes you feel sick.
You’re burning up with want, but you can already see the realisation of your transgression settling into the very bones of Art. He’s about to spurn you, disdain no doubt working its way to the surface. So you have to get there first.
“Poor, sensitive Art, scared by a kiss.” You goad. The words are forced out and they feel malformed on your tongue. “Don’t worry your little head over it, it doesn’t mean anything.”
Art drops his eyes from you, shaking his hand as he pushes himself off up.
“Nice try, but I know what you’re doing.”
He mumbles it and doesn't give you a chance to acknowledge it befores he’s on his feet and walking away.
Tears prick insistently at the back of your eyes but you force them back, pressing the heels of your thumbs into them until it hurts.
You sit up, feeling leaves and blades of grass sticking to your exposed skin.
You feel the air shift behind you, and are startled when you peer over your shoulder and find Art standing at your back. He has his shoes back on and is gripping his dry jacket far too tightly.
You find your voice, but it’s weak: “What am I doing Art?”
He doesn’t meet your eye, instead he opens up the jacket in his hands and settles it over your shoulders. You sit there, stunned as he tugs it around your body. Then he leans down and over your shoulders, his breath on the side of your face as he deftly buttons the jacket up.
Art encloses you in the dry garment that carries the scent of him.
“You’re doing the same thing as me.” He says quietly. It sounds almost painful for him to talk. “Running away. I guess we’re both cowards.”
And then he’s gone, marching back up the bank without another word.
You’re left sitting there, wrapped in his jacket and staring out at the pond.
Not the night sky.
Just a pond.
━━━━∙⋆⋅⋆∙━━━━
( Three Months Later… )
After your cast had first come off, Wimbledon had felt like an intimidating but still far off thing; a dark shape on the horizon, but one you had to squint to see. But then it moved closer, barreling towards you like a bat out of hell.
You’ve made great progress in your recovery, you really have…but all your extensive physiotherapy hasn’t been able to heal the nerve-damage you’d turned out to have- at least not in a timespan that’s workable for a professional athlete.
You’re done. Tennis career over.
And your worst fear has come true: it hadn’t been your choice. Injury has forced you out and the public discourse is rife with commiseration and useless, positive platitudes.
Art has been proved right. Everything would be so much better had you known when to quit. You had preferred ridicule to this.
But until you’d come to Wimbledon, it hadn’t really sunk in yet: you hadn’t had the moment of finality.
What closure has ended up feeling like, is the final nail in your coffin.
As you had watched the first matches of Wimbledon from the stands, Rebecca glancing at you constantly–presumably to check you weren’t about to burst into tears–you had felt as though you were being buried: each serve and volley another hand tossing dirt on top of the coffin, sealing you beneath the ground for good.
At least one part of your day has been successful. You have completed the challenge you’d set for yourself that morning, which was to not drink any alcohol until the evening.
It has been excruciating.
Evidence of your victory lays in your trembling hands as you fit your keycard into the door of your hotel room. You’re desperate for what you know sits waiting for you on the other side.
But then, just as the lock mechanism chirps to let you know you’ve been granted entry, someone calls your name.
Your keycard is left in the door as your fingers fall away from the handle and you turn to face Art. He’s stopped himself a safe distance from you and is gazing at you with what looks like…relief?
Of course you knew he was at Wimbledon–you’d narrowly avoided crossing paths with him a number of times already today–but to hear his voice and having his probing stare directed solely on you, is as debilitating as you remember.
You haven’t seen each other, or even spoken, since the night by–or rather in–the pond.
The only place the two of you are still together in any capacity, is on the Nike billboards that are still occupying space throughout the world.
And as if Art’s thoughts align with your own, he says:
“You pull an impressive disappearing act.” He steps closer.
“That suggests you went looking for me.” You counter, pleased with how detached you sound. “We both know you didn’t.”
“No. I didn’t.” Art replies frankly.
“So I didn’t disappear, did I? You just couldn’t see me.”
Art moves towards you some more, stopping an arms length away.
“It felt the same.” He utters lowly. “You were gone.”
You shrug halfheartedly. “So were you.”
Then you press your back into the door, fingers seeking out the handle, shaking now for a reason other than alcohol withdrawal.
You really don’t know if you’re running away or urging him on, but when you push open the door and duck inside, you do know that you’re not angry when he follows.
You put your back to the hallway door, expecting Art to move past you and head into the suite, but he doesn’t. At least not right away. Instead, he stops right in front of you, looking down at you as the door swings shut.
You would barely have to lift your hand and you’d be touching him.
You hate that he looks so good. He’s in simple navy dress pants, a white shirt sitting snugly on his chest, the top few buttons undone.
The two of you stand like that for a minute or so, and just as you realise that your breaths have practically synchronised, Art is moving away from you and wandering inside.
It’s only then, as he ventures deeper, that you remember what you’ve been so eager to get back into the room for. You curse yourself, letting your head fall back against the wall behind you.
Even if he hadn’t already seen them, it would be too late for you to hide the line of alcohol minis that you’d gathered from the bar cart.
You’d set them out earlier, the process almost meditative. It had been a promise to yourself: get through the day without drinking and you can have all of these once you’re alone.
But now they’re standing out in the open, displayed on the nearby desk like pieces knocked off a board in a game that you’ve been playing against yourself.
You watch helplessly as Art walks right over to them, his hands in his pockets. Your face flushes with shame.
Art cranes his neck back to look at you. You’re still pressed against the wall, afraid that if you take one step closer, you won’t be able to stop yourself from taking ten more. And you don’t want to be close to him when his face shifts into pity or revilement.
“You planning on drinking all of these?” Art asks, turning back to the bottles as if he knows his gaze is steadily undoing you and wants to grant a reprieve.
Eased slightly by the remarkable placidity of his tone, you’re able to answer calmly. But you still don’t move.
“That was the plan.”
Art lets out a non-committal hum. “Why?”
You laugh awkwardly, wringing your hands together. “I don’t know, why does anyone drink?”
“I don’t care about anyone, I'm asking about you.” His voice is firm, but the foundation of it is something less solid. His words shake on the way out.
You’re overcome with the urge to be honest. It’s actually a lot easier when he’s not looking at you.
“I drink because at some point in my life, every tiny thing became really difficult- like, embarrassingly difficult, to the point where I feel like a child again. And it turns out that ineptitude is easier to bear when you feel like you’ve imposed it on yourself. I drink because it makes me feel helpless…but, helpless by choice.”
The confession hangs suspended in the air, a horrifying, complicated marvel- like a beautiful butterfly now dead and pinned by its wings to a board.
Art speaks into the silence, his back still turned to you. “Do you want to forget? Is that part of it?”
“Forget what?” You’re struggling for breath now, his presence drawing all of the oxygen from the room.
He half-turns his head, blue eyes settling over you once more. “All of it.”
“There’s not enough alcohol in the world for that.” You say morosely.
You have learnt that getting drunk doesn’t rid you of all the thoughts that torment you in sobriety, it just pushes them further to the back. Even if you drink so much you can barely walk, the thoughts remain, banging on the barrier and demanding to be let back in.
Art doesn’t respond to that. He turns back to the little bottles and you watch as he reaches out a hand and knocks over the one closest to him. He pushes it forward, sending them all toppling one after the other like dominos. His eyes are set on them as they roll around on the table, a couple falling onto the plush carpet. And your eyes are set on him.
Then, he finally turns to properly face you, knocking the fallen bottles with his feet as he leans back against the table and crosses his arms against his chest.
He’s waiting, you realise. Waiting for you to speak. Waiting for you to make the first move. Wanting you to come to him.
You push off the wall and start walking towards him. “Why did you follow me in here, Art?”
He sighs, the corner of his lip pulling up with a melancholy smile. “Because you make me feel helpless.”
That almost stops you in your tracks, but you recover quickly, barely a footstep faltering as you advance on him. Your heartbeat is a warning drum in your ears.
Once you reach him, Art widens his legs, allowing you to step between them.
As you settle your hands on his thighs, his duck beneath your dress and come to rest on the bare flesh of the back of your legs. He draws you closer, making you fingers dig into his trousers to steady yourself.
You sigh, your eyes fluttering shut as he leans forward, brushing his lips against your exposed sternum.
You’re still flushed and sweating from the uncharacteristically blazing English sun and you shudder as Art’s tongue darts out lapping at the moisture there.
You rock forward, placing your chin on the top of his head, inadvertently pressing his mouth further into your skin. His lapping tongue turns into kisses, kisses that travel down onto the swell of your breasts and into the valley between them.
Even when he reaches the fabric of your dress, he doesnt let it stop him: Art’s lips close around your clothed nipple, wetting the thin fabric with his saliva. You let out a breathy moan into his hair as he moves onto the next one.
As Art works his mouth against you, you push your hands higher, letting your fingers brush the bulge in his pants before they’re settling on his belt buckle.
He says your name, each movement of his lips searing into your flesh.
“Do I make you feel helpless?” He asks, his hands moving up to curl in the sides of your underwear.
“No, Art. You don’t.”
As you undo his fly, he begins to pull your underwear down.
“Why?” He closes his mouth around your breast and bites down just enough to make your breath catch in your throat.
You remove one of your hands from his crotch and use it to grab the back of his neck, you pull him away from your chest, forcing him to look up at you as your other hand disappears into his trousers, palming his hardness.
Even as you step out of your underwear and kick it away, you’re starting to stroke him. His mouth falls open, sucking in a breath as gazes up at you as if you hung the moon.
“How could I feel helpless?” You goad, leaning in and resting your mouth beside his ear to whisper. “When I have so much power over you?”
Art’s initial answer is to buck up into your hand, chasing the friction you’re moving too slowly to give him, but when you laugh at his desperation, he’s surging up, wrapping his arms around your waist and spinning you.
In a flash, you’ve taken up his position: ass resting on the edge of the desk.
Before you can catch your breath, Art has his hands on your knees and is spreading your legs, exposing your bareness to him.
But apparently he still hasn’t got you where he wants, because his fingers then wrap around the back of your legs and he lifts you, placing you further back onto the wooden surface. More bottles roll off the edge and drop into the carpet.
Then, finally, Art’s eyes meet yours. His smirk makes a return.
“So…” He begins, his hands gathering up your dress and leaving it to bunch up at your waist. “I have absolutely no effect on you? None at all?”
“No-” You can’t even finish your thought let alone the word before his fingers are running through the wetness between your legs. Your instinct is to shut them, but his hips are in the way, so you only succeed in holding him firmly in place.
You are left to stare as he lifts his hand up, evidence of your arousal glistening on his fingers. Then, slowly enough that he can watch the realisation of what he’s doing dawn on your face, Art takes his fingers into his own mouth.
His eyes meet yours and do not shift away for even a second as he licks your wetness from his skin.
The tightness in your belly becomes almost too extreme to bear, and a throbbing begins between your legs.
“I want you to ask.” Art says, his fingers–now wet with his own saliva–drawing circles on your inner thigh. “I want you to ask me to fuck you.”
“I thought you were here because I make you feel helpless?” You try to sound taunting, but your voice is ragged with want. “Now you want to be in control?”
Art leans down and you expect an abrupt, bruising joining of your lips, but instead he kisses you slowly, tenderness in every gentle movement. His mouth is is still aligned with yours as he answers:
“It’s not about control, sweetheart. I just want to hear that you want me as much as I want you.”
You begin to kiss along his jaw, your sentence formed with words cushioned between the press of your lips:
“I want you to fuck me, Art.”
Art's fingers curl around your jaw, bringing your lips back to his as he frees himself from his pants with his other hand. Your kiss is languid but rapidly growing with force, passion driving pleasure ever closer to point of pain.
“Condom?” Art questions into your open mouth.
With his fingers digging into your chin, you can't shake your head so you’re forced to gather enough of your wits to speak again:
“Birth control.”
“Okay.” Art pecks your lips before lifting a hand and spitting onto it. Then he’s fisting himself in his hand and pressing inside of you.
Your legs immediately wrap around his waist, hooking together to pull him in even further.
Art lets out a shuddered breath, his head dropping to your shoulder as he settles himself inside of you.
He kisses and licks across your collarbone, only stopping when he comes across the thin strap of your dress. With a little growl, he takes it between his teeth, tugging it back and then letting it ping back into your skin.
You laugh, still adjusting to the feel of him inside of you as you move to pull down the top of your dress. But Art has other ideas. He stops you with a slow thrust, rolling his hips just enough to have your hands wrapping around his neck instead.
“Let me do it.” He’s giving a command and yet it sounds like a grovel.
Then, in unison, his fingers find the straps of your dress and he’s pulling them away, tugging the bodice down and exposing your breasts to him completely. His hands fall onto them immediately, palming the supple flesh and lifting them up higher so that he can kiss them even as he begins to rock into you.
Just as your heartbeat begins to find some sort of rhythm again, Art pulls out of you almost completely before driving back in. Your breath is knocked out of you and as he begins to thrust with controlled rapidity.
Your hands fall to his still covered ass and dissatisfied with the lack of contact, you push your fingers past the waistband and dig your nails into his naked flesh.
Art moans into your neck, clamping down with his teeth as he picks up his pace yet again.
“Art-” You call out, lost in the press of him inside you.
The table begins to shake so much that it’s slamming against the wall, the noise perfectly aligning with the sound of your hips slapping together.
“Tell me this doesn’t make you feel out of control.” Art pleads, his movements growing frenzied.
By this point you can hardly think straight, so you give in, his statement going unanswered as your head is thrown back in pleasure. Art chuckles, licking up the column of your neck.
“I think I got my answer.”
“Shut up.”
When Art laughs at you again, you remove your hands from his ass and grip his face instead, drawing his lips back up to yours. He opens wide, panting into your mouth before your tongues start to move together.
You stay like that, mouths joined and breaths shared as his thrusts become messier, his hands on your back beginning to tremble.
But you’re not close yet and he knows it. He reaches between you and presses his thumb into your sensitive bud, applying enough pressure that, combined with him driving into you, has you quickly coming undone.
You break the kiss, crying out as your body is wracked with convulsions.
Art smiles, his eyes drooping closed as he chases his own release. And it doesn’t take long. You’re still coming back to yourself when his hips stutter and his fingers dig into you. He lets go, spilling inside you.
You both go still. You press your face into his chest–his shirt now dappled with spots of sweat–as he places a kiss on the top of your head.
You’re both breathing heavily, reeling in the wake of your joining when your phone–tucked into your purse that you had dropped by the door–begins to ring
Still inside you, Art shifts, pressing closer as his lips begin to kiss a path down your cheek. “Don’t answer it.”
You lean back just enough to meet his eye and smile. “I’m not going to answer it.”
Art matches your grin as he leans down and gives your lips a peck. “Good. Because I’m nowhere near done with you.”
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