#actually i think if I'd stayed with them another six months they would have started the process of ordering me my own sword

[thatrandombystander]

Wait. If next year I end up:

Rotating to a work location with a 30 minute shorter commute (and if I'm REALLY lucky, the team there will be less strict with leaving times compared to my current team).

Have a driving license and access to my own car.

Maybe I'll be able to return to attending classes with that theatrical fencing troupe I took classes with a couple years back :0

[minisugakoobies]

Cross My Heart | KMG

Pairing: Mingyu x GNReader (afab)

Genre: smut, porn with the barest of plot, friends to lovers (?), non-idol!AU

Rating: M (18+)

Warnings: pussy drunk mingyu, late night texting, biting/marking, fingering, lots of flirting, lots of teasing, grinding/dry humping, dirty talk, cunnilingus, face sitting, come eating, hand job, mingyu's a messy boy, OC is needy and mingyu loves it, mingyu has maybe the tiniest bit of a praise kink, use of pet names - pretty, mingyu requests death by pussy

Word Count: 5.2k

Disclaimers: NSFW, obviously I don’t own SVT - they just inspire me

Summary: Your crush Mingyu wants (to eat) you.

Text Prompt: You: I can’t stand you Mingyu: Then sit on my face

A/N: Hiiiii I'm writing for svt now and I'm starting with Mingyu because he's driving me insane. This is actually the first in a planned series of 13 svt fics based on text prompts. I'm fully in my self-indulgent era, so this is for everyone who, like me, needs some munch 'Gyu right about now 👅

Unbeta'd as usual. If you like this and want more svt fics from me, please let me know! I'd love to hear what you think (but please be kind I'm fragile 🥺) 💕

SVT Masterlist 💜 Main Masterlist

It’s finally here. After months of planning, you and your friends have flown halfway around the world for a week of vacation. The six of you arrived just a few hours ago, and after the long flight, the long wait at the airport for your luggage, and the long drive to the hotel, you’re exhausted. 

Well, mentally you’re worn out, at least. Your body? Is still on your old timezone, where it’s currently tomorrow morning. So it thinks that you need to be awake, even though it’s night where you are. You had stayed awake the entire flight here in order to avoid this very problem. 

Fucking jet lag got you anyway.

Unlike you, Seungcheol and Vernon are having no issue sleeping. The three of you are sharing one room, while Minghao, Wonwoo, and Mingyu are sharing another. You glance over at the two lumps tucked in their beds, snoring away like you would be if your body wasn’t so confused.

Because you’re trying to be a good friend and let them sleep, you’re lying on your bed, scrolling lazily through your various social media apps. You could watch something, but you don’t really have the focus right now. Yet you want something pleasing to look at. Something to mindlessly enjoy while you wait for exhaustion to overwhelm you. 

So, naturally, you turn to your favorite nightly pastime - scrolling through your social media apps, looking for any new posts from Mingyu.

It’s an addiction, borne out of your raging crush on your friend. Well, really, he’s Minghao’s friend, you don’t know him as well as you do the others, but still. You’re friendly enough around each other. Which is because Mingyu is so nice, such a sweet and funny guy who always makes you feel more than welcome whenever he’s around. 

He’s also a blatant flirt. At first, his cocky smiles and playful words made you think he might be interested in more than just being your friend, but it wasn’t long before you realized he’s like that with everyone. So you tamped down the hope that burned in your chest, leaving only a simmering crush to smolder forever.

It’s morning back home, where most of your friends have barely started their days, so your feed is fairly dead. There are a few photos from Wonwoo from the flight, including one of Minghao sleeping with his mouth open that you immediately save to your favorites, a couple from Vernon, and, of course, several from Mingyu. You tap into his page.

Mingyu’s an avid photographer, particularly of beautiful things - breathtaking landscapes, delicious meals, himself. Mostly himself, to be honest. Not that you’re complaining. It’s maybe the most mutually beneficial relationship you’ve ever been in. Mingyu loves to provide pictures of himself. You love to admire them. A win-win all around. 

You tap back to home and refresh your feed. A new post appears, from Mingyu. The jet lag must be getting to him, too, if he’s awake and posting right now. The photo is another selfie, this time of him lying in bed, one arm resting behind his head, showing off a perfectly sculpted bicep. God. Could he be more gorgeous? 

Clicking into his page again, you rub your thumb over the screen to make his photos flip by in an endless parade of hot Mingyus. It’s ridiculous, you muse, watching picture after picture roll by, to think about how much time Mingyu must spend on these photos. Making sure he’s got the perfect lighting to bounce off his muscles just right in those gym selfies. Or figuring out the best angle to show off that sharp jawline of his. Just ridiculous. And yet, every second isn’t spent in vain, considering how the photos drew you in like shiny trinkets to your magpie eye. 

It would be so easy to think of Mingyu as a modern day Narcissus, endlessly snapping selfies, drowning in his own reflection on his phone. But he’s never struck you as conceited. It’s something else - a desire for connection, perhaps. A need for-

A tiny heart floats up your screen and you gasp. Shit. You just liked the post the scroll stopped on - one of his many gym selfies, frame zoomed in on his torso, his hand clutching the bottom of his shirt to show off his rippling abs.

Your eye drifts to the date of the photo. Posted eight months ago. 

Quick as lightning, you hit the screen again, shattering the little heart icon. Your pulse is beating too fast. There’s no need to panic. He couldn’t have seen that. Maybe you’re overreacting, but no one needs to know you’re lurking in his profile in the middle of the night, especially not him. 

A notification drops down over Mingyu’s face. A message.

Mingyu: Someone’s up late. 

Ah, damn. You were too slow. And now he’s in your DMs. 

After taking a moment to shriek quietly into your pillow, you write back. 

You: Can’t sleep

Mingyu: Same. Jet lag’s got me fucked up

Mingyu: You know what always helps when I can’t sleep?

You: What?

Mingyu: Creeping through someone’s old photos

Even though he’s not here looking at you, your neck flames with embarrassment anyway. You could play it cool. If only you knew how to do that. 

You: Shut up

Mingyu: It’s ok, I’m flattered

You: Oh fuck off

Mingyu: No really, I am

Mingyu: I like that you want me so bad

Pressing your mouth firmly into your pillow, you swallow another screech. Here we go. Right into the flirting. You can’t handle this right now.

You: Idk what you’re talking about

You:  It was an accident

Mingyu: Oh you were accidentally admiring me? 

You: How did you even notice? Are you just staring at your phone, waiting for attention?

Mingyu: I mean yeah

You snort. 

You: You’re ridiculous

Mingyu: Maybe. But I’m honest about it

You: I’ll give you that

A few seconds go by, then a minute, then two. Maybe you’re boring him. Maybe he’s found something else to entertain him. Or someone else.

When the next notification comes in, you jolt a little. 

Mingyu: What else will you give me?

And now your heart does a funny jump as you stare at his words. God, what a question. How you wish he were asking for real, and not just being playful, like he always is. 

Would it be too real to reply with the truth? “Whatever you want?”

You: I don’t know

You: What do you want?

Mingyu: What if I say you?

Suddenly you don’t understand words.

You: Why would you say that?

Mingyu: Because it’s my answer

Mingyu: I’m being honest again

You: That’s the jet lag talking

Mingyu: Oh come on

Mingyu: You really don’t know?

You: Know what??

Mingyu: How I feel about you

Is he being serious right now??

You: If this is a joke I don’t get it

Mingyu: Not a joke

Mingyu: Hold on

The notification icon on your app suddenly lights up. One heart. Two. Three four five. You open your notifications and immediately start laughing. Mingyu’s going through your oldest photos and liking them, one by one. 

Mingyu: See? I’m obsessed with you

Seungcheol grunts in his sleep, and you press your arm harder over your mouth, trying to muffle yourself better.

You: You’re so annoying, oh my god

Mingyu: So annoying that you can’t stop looking at my photos at 1 am?

Mingyu: Or flirting with me?

You: Is that what’s happening? Are we flirting?

Mingyu: Ok don’t act like you don’t know

Mingyu: I flirt with you all the time

You: You flirt with EVERYONE all the time

Mingyu: Yeah but I only mean it with you

Like any other time this happens, any time his words make your head spin, you put on the brakes, stopping before you start to believe you might have a chance. 

You: You’re so dumb

Mingyu: Are you really going to pretend you’re not enjoying this?

You: Who said I’m pretending?

Mingyu: Me. I know you’re loving this

Mingyu: Because you want me soooooo bad

You: Shut uppppp

Mingyu: Go on, yell at me

Mingyu: You’re cute when you’re mad

You: No really

You: I can’t stand you

Mingyu: Then sit on my face

Your mouth falls open, an amused huff of air escaping in a befuddled laugh at his unexpected response. 

You: What?

Mingyu: Come shut me up. Sit on my face.

You’re blinking so hard, you can hear your eyelids clapping together.

You: Fuck off. Stop playing. 

Mingyu: Who’s playing? I’m serious

Mingyu: Smother me with those gorgeous thighs of yours. I’ll go out a happy man. 

Your gorgeous thighs? He’s never said anything like that before. What the fuck is happening.

You can’t help but picture it - him lying on his bed, you kneeling over him, fingers tangled in his dark hair as you ride that pouty little mouth of his. It’s not the first time you’ve fantasized about it, but it’s the first time the vision has felt… possible. 

Mingyu: No response? You’re just gonna leave me hanging like this?

You: Don’t tease me

Mingyu: Trust me, there are a million ways I’d love to tease you, but this isn’t one

You lay down again, rolling onto your side, curling in on yourself, like you’re trying to contain all the excitement rushing through your veins, keep it from spilling out and over into the room where your friends are still sleeping.  

You: You’re really serious?

Mingyu: Cross my heart and hope to die

Mingyu: Between your legs

Again you laugh.

You: You’re such an idiot

Mingyu: Does that mean you’re not coming over?

You: Like right now??

Mingyu: Why not? 

Mingyu: Wonwoo and Minghao both slept on the plane. They went out exploring

Mingyu: I’ve got the room to myself

You bite your lip, a little harder than you normally would, the sharp sting confirming that you are not dreaming and this is, in actual fact, happening right now. 

You: I guess if I’m not sleeping anytime soon

In the dim light from your phone, you eye the path to the door. You can easily make it out of the room without waking anyone. Should you so decide. 

You: I could come over

Mingyu: I promise I’ll make it so good for you

Mingyu: Eat that pussy like you deserve. Make you cum on my tongue over and over

You inhale sharply. He’s definitely never talked about your pussy like that before. Reading his words has you positively throbbing.

Mingyu: Please, just let me taste you

What else is there to say to that but -  

You: I’m coming over

It’s a short walk to Mingyu’s room. A rush of anticipation hits you as you raise your hand to knock. It doesn’t take long for the door to open, bringing you face to face with the man whose social media you can’t stop stalking. Mingyu’s shirtless, grey sweatpants hanging alarmingly low on his hips, and if you weren’t already planning on crushing him with your thighs, this insta thirst trap of an outfit would push you right over the edge. 

“That was fast,” he laughs, stepping aside to let you in. “Did you run down the hall?” 

“I thought I told you to shut up,” you shoot back. 

“And I thought I told you to make me,” he smirks, reaching for you at the same time you reach for him, practically mashing his teeth against your lips as he pulls you in for a kiss. Despite what he just said, he’s kissing you, too eager to wait for you to do what he demands. 

It’s rough and messy, all teeth and tongue, both of you doing your fair share to keep the other silent. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say speechless, because Mingyu’s definitely not being quiet, moaning into your mouth, and you’re certainly whining loud enough for the other rooms to hear you.

He presses you back into the door, chest to chest, hip to hip. You tilt your head and he follows, chasing your mouth, as if he’s needing another taste. Your hands roam over his biceps, his shoulders, his neck, covering every inch of warm skin that’s exposed, and he slips his arms around your waist, holding you impossibly tight. Not for one second do your lips part. This is the type of kiss you’ve always read about in your favorite stories - the one that makes your knees weak, makes your head float, makes you forget everything but Mingyu. 

It’s delicious. It’s amazing. It’s every superlative you can think of. But it’s not enough. You want more. Part of you wants to tell him to get on with it, take you to bed, because you’re here to make him eat his words by eating you, but the other part isn’t about to quit kissing him any time soon. 

Thankfully, Mingyu takes care of your dilemma by eliminating the choice. Without warning, he bends his knees and lifts you, big hands secure on your thighs to hold you close to him. Okay, now it’s like one of your stories, the way he lifts you like you’re lighter than air. You’d swoon if you weren’t so busy licking into his lips. All that time in the gym is really paying off

He carries you to his bed, displaying his impressive thigh strength by slowly lowering himself into a sitting position, bringing you into his lap. You loop your arms around his shoulders, desperately seeking his mouth, as if the 0.2 seconds between kisses might kill you, which, honestly, it feels like it might, and you’ve never been in this situation before, making out with the man of your dreams, so for all you know, it will, so why risk it? 

“Stop me if I’m going too fast,” he says between kisses. 

“You can go as fast as you want,” you reply, without even a second’s pause. “Just don’t stop.” 

“Damn, and here I was worried I was coming off too excited,” he grins, face lighting up in delight. Then he kisses your cheek, whispering against your skin at your offended huff. “It’s okay, I like how needy you are for me.”

“Shut up,” you groan, but you know he felt the way you shuddered, so you give up the weak protests and start kissing him again, twisting your fingers in his hair to keep him close. 

Mingyu finally stops laughing when you take his bottom lip between your own, sucking and licking at the plump skin. With a groan, he digs his fingers into your sides, and he starts to guide you back and forth, rolling you over the eye-catching bulge in his sweatpants. It’s a sight that makes you clench, thinking about how much you want to sit on it now, just pull him out and ride, too needy to feel him inside you to even take your clothes off.

But again, you want more. You want what he’d promised earlier.  

He nips his way down your throat until his mouth latches at the base of your neck, sucking and biting, and you whimper, squirming in his hold. “

‘Gyu, please!”

“Please what?” 

He doesn’t lift his head, too absorbed in sinking his vampire-like canines into your soft skin, not sharp enough to pierce, just hard enough that you know you’ll have bruises blooming there tomorrow, little souvenirs of this moment. 

Please everything, you think. You want it all, whatever he’s willing to give, you’ll take. You’re feeling greedy as fuck right now. 

“I want what you promised me.” 

“Hold on,” he intones seriously, right before laving his tongue over a fresh mark. “Let a man at death’s door enjoy his last moments.” 

“Oh my god, you’re so stupid,” you groan, grabbing his face and smashing your lips together. He’s just - just such an idiot, such a stupid sexy idiot and you want him more than you’ve ever wanted anything in your life.

“Fine,” he says after a few minutes of frantic making out, a cheeky grin spreading across his face, hands circling around your ass, squeezing as he pulls you closer. “Time for my last meal.” 

He kisses away your embarrassingly pleased moan, and then he maneuvers the two of you around so he’s lying on the bed on his back and you’re straddling him. As he watches with rapt attention, you peel off your shirt. Since you’d been dressed for bed, you hadn’t bothered to throw on a bra. Judging from Mingyu’s expression, you made the right call.  

“Pretty,” he breathes out, wide eyes finding yours, and you have to take a beat, have to take a moment to sit and let the reality of the situation wash over you. The two of you are here, together, in this hotel room half a world away from home. Both wanting this. It’s clear to you now just how eager Mingyu’s been since you walked in. He wasn’t lying - he wants you just as much as you want him. 

With this new understanding, you stand up to slide your shorts and panties off in one go, before straddling him again, and lowering yourself for another kiss. Immediately, his arms are around you, gliding down your back, all the way to your bare ass, taking the biggest handfuls he can. 

“You drive me insane. So pretty, so hot.” 

Mingyu’s words kick the simmering heat in your gut into a full blown fire. You moan into his kiss, grinding yourself against him. One of his hands grips your side, helping you chase the friction, while the other slips between your bodies. When his fingers brush your inner thigh, he lets out a strangled groan. “Oh fuck, you’re so wet.”  

“Your fault,” you gasp, lips fervently pressing against his, licking at the seam of his mouth until he allows you in, so you can roll your tongue over his like you roll your hips. 

“Then allow me to make it up to you,” he grins, long fingers cupping your mound, trapping the heat there in his palm as he rubs it against you. You keen, thighs already twitching. You’re going to lose your mind before you even get to his face. 

You’re not alone in that feeling, as he suddenly reaches for your thighs, urging you to crawl up his body. “Get up here, please,” he begs, flat out begs you, and you slide forward as fast as you can. You need his mouth, right now.

Hovering over him is a little surreal - MIngyu’s big brown eyes are gazing up at you in a perfect replication of your favorite daydream, only it’s so much better than you’d ever imagined, because the expression he wears is one of complete awe, like he’s the one living out his fantasy. Again you feel bold, so you run your fingers through his hair, nails lightly scraping over his scalp. He moans quietly, low in his throat, like he’s trying to hold it in, and your mouth quirks in a half smile as you kneel. 

“Nice knowing you, ‘Gyu.” 

He hums a happy note, lips vibrating lightly just as your cunt reaches them, and you moan quietly. You don’t settle all the way down, because as much as you were playing along with this whole death-by-pussy dream of his, you are slightly worried that you might actually suffocate him, if not because of your weight than because of your dire need, that you might get too lost in the aching desire that’s building inside you, spurred on by the way he’s brushing the lower half of his face and down your folds, just breathing you in, teasing you with his touches but not giving you what you so desperately want. 

“‘Gyu,” you whine, tilting your pelvis forward, to catch his tongue as he traces your inner thigh, leaving a trail of saliva behind. He blows a puff of air across the wetness, sending goosebumps running at the cooling sensation. 

When you try to shift again, he’s quick to wrap his hands up around your hips, holding you still. Not hard enough to hurt, but strong enough to let you know - he’s in charge now. 

“Stay still, pretty,” he murmurs, tenderly pressing a kiss into your skin. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep my promise. Cross my heart, remember?” 

With that reminder, he pulls you down further onto his face. His tongue slides into you, nose bumping your clit, and you whimper, hands flailing at your sides, seeking something to cling to, finding nothing but the warm air around you. The pressure on the sensitive bud combining with the wet hot muscle plunging between your slick folds is overwhelming in the best way.

“‘Gyu, oh, that’s so good!”  

Mingyu nods his head vigorously, nudging his nose around, letting his tongue drag up and down your slit. It almost feels like he’s agreeing with you, backed up by the way he grunts brokenly, this deep rumble in his chest that gets strangled halfway through his throat. 

You’re not sure at what point you start thrust your hips. Mingyu helps you find the right pace, big hands guiding you forward and back, forward and back, until you feel the rhythm all the way from your ears to your toes. 

As his mouth slides up to suckle on your clit, his left hand also snakes upwards, cupping your right breast, thumb rolling over your puckered nipple. You shudder, nerves sizzling like power lines, lit up by his every touch.

“‘Gyu…” Mingyu’s mouth pulls another whine from you. You glance down, catching the furrow in his brow, the sweat dripping down his temples. “Oh my god.” 

“Mmmmphf,” Mingyu agrees, or so you assume, unable to understand anything he might be mumbling into you. A particularly sharp suck on your pulsating clit makes your back arch, and Mingyu’s hand falls from your chest, disappearing behind you. 

The sudden rustling of fabric draws your attention. You glance over your shoulder, only to whimper when you catch sight of Mingyu’s hand stroking his erection, band of his sweatpants hastily shoved down, stiff cock so flushed it brings a matching heat to your neck. 

If you were more limber, you’d reach for him, give him a helping hand, but you can’t stay twisted around for long, not when Mingyu’s tongue makes you refocus on his mouth. It’s too difficult to think about anything else right now but the way he keeps plunging inside you, using the thick muscle to fuck you shallowly. 

You can’t stop mewling like a cat in heat, rutting back and forth over Mingyu’s tongue. Even in your daze, it doesn’t escape your attention that Mingyu’s absolutely pussy drunk at this point, depraved moans buzzing endlessly against your most sensitive spots because he refuses to detach his mouth from you long enough to let them escape. Every muffled note reverberates deep in your core, joins the tense chord that’s building inside you to a crescendo. 

“‘Gyu, please.” 

At the sound of your plea, Mingyu stops stroking himself, bringing his hand around to find your clit, middle finger drawing circles around and around and around. 

When you double over, hands sinking into the plush bedding on either side of Mingyu’s head, he grunts, tipping his head to the side so he can speak. “You okay?” 

“Fuck, Mingyu, ‘m good,” you giggle, suddenly hit by a burst of glee, perhaps due to the lack of oxygen in your head, since all the blood in your body is concentrated in your clit right now. “I’m having an amazing night.” 

Mingyu hums again, sounding very pleased, and you meet his gaze, and suddenly you wish his phone was nearby, so you could snap a photo, because this look - hair mussed and clinging to his forehead, pupils blown, nose to chin coated in your glistening wetness - this is a look worth capturing.

“Yeah, me too,” he says, chest heaving as he catches his breath, and the sincerity in his voice steals your own away. If you had any nerve, you’d confess something right now, something you weren’t planning on telling him tonight or tomorrow or maybe ever. But you keep silent, only breathing a tiny exhale of surprise as he slides out from under you, and nudges you onto your back.

Mingyu folds you in half easily, because you’re giving no resistance, letting him shape you the way he desires, and then his mouth is on you again. Now that he's lying facedown between your legs, he’s able to get some much-desired friction without using his hands, grinding his neglected cock into the bed as he concentrates on you. 

His tongue glides over your throbbing nub again, and then his right hand ghosts over your slit. You whimper a soft “Please,” and that’s all he needs to slide his finger inside. The intrusion has you squirming, urging him silently to go deeper, and to your relief, he obliges. But he also locks his other arm over your legs, holding them so you can’t keep bucking your hips up. 

“I said, stay still,” he mumbles, with no anger or heat behind it, just amusement, laced with a slight tinge of cockiness. He knows he’s frustrating you, judging by the curl of his lips as he plunges his finger in and out slowly, way too slowly, teasing you with what you need most. You try to press your hips down onto his hand, to make him glide faster, but he just leans into you slightly, big arm stopping your movements. 

Your whine is beyond petulant. “Don’t tease me!” 

“Pretty, I promise you, when I tease you, you’ll know.” 

And then he adds his middle finger, curling both, pressing on the most sensitive spot on your inner wall. Over and over, his fingers flutter, massaging until starlight bursts behind your eyelids. 

“It’ll be something like this.” 

He withdraws his hand.

“Gyuuuuuu.”

If he was slightly cocky earlier, he’s fully arrogant now, face breaking into a wide grin while he laughs. “Wow, so whiny. You do want me bad.” 

“I swear to god if you dohhhhHHH-”

You break off in a moan when he lowers his face again, loudly lapping at your wetness. Clever fingers alternate between scissoring and stroking, following the changes in your breathing, and you hope that he’s close to being satiated, because you’re teetering on the edge of your climax, only the slightest bit more stimulation necessary to push you over. 

“Mingyu. Mingyu, I’m gonna cum.” You open your eyes, raising your head enough to look at him, to watch with a dropped jaw as he buries his face in your cunt, his own eyes closed in ecstasy, and oh, that’s it - “Oh god, I’m gonna cum!” 

Your warning cry - though clearly appreciated by Mingyu, who groans in answering refrain, hips humping the bed furiously - is ultimately unnecessary, given how hard your walls suddenly clench around his fingers. He doesn’t stop his ministrations, fingerfucking you through your orgasm as your lower half trembles beneath his heavy arm. He holds you in place as best he can, sweetly kissing your clit, while you wail and writhe, pressing your palm into your mouth to keep your cries from waking the rooms around you. 

Eventually your tremors slow, turning into occasional twitches, before your body finally relaxes. Mingyu continues to lap at you, every pass of his tongue getting lighter and lighter, until he lifts his head. He’s the perfect image of lust, eyes dark and desirous, and you claw at his shoulders, needing him close again. 

“Kiss me.” 

He wipes his face with the back of his hand, smearing you over himself more as he rises up to meet you. His cock is hard between you, and you moan, knowing that you did that, that he got this turned on just from eating you out, and extend your fingers to wrap around him.

The unbidden sound he utters when you take his cock and slide it through your soaking folds, coating it in your wetness, is the filthiest sound you’ve ever heard.

“Careful, pretty,” he pants, looking down at your hand. Under his close gaze, you circle the head of his cock before rubbing your thumb over and around the slit there. “‘M close.” 

“Wanna make you come, ‘Gyu,” you tell him, and he hisses, hips bucking into your grip. 

“Fuck.” His long fingers cover yours, guiding you into a faster pace. “But I’m gonna make a mess.”

“Do it. Make a mess.” The need to make him completely fall apart takes possession of you, makes you say things you’ve never said to anyone else. “Come all over me.” 

Mingyu whines, chin dropping to his chest. He’s barely blinking as he stares at your entwined hands. 

“Pretty… don’t say that….”

“Please, ‘Gyu.” All shame has fled your body. “I want it.” 

No further encouragement is needed. Mingyu grunts a few times before he’s painting your stomach in so much white, in little drops and big splashes, doing exactly what you told him, eyes rolling back in his head as he does.

When his high abates, he sits back on his heels, gazing at the mess he created, all the sticky sweat and semen that covers your body. A delirious thought comes to you. Is the sight beautiful enough for him to want to take a picture? 

“Wow,” he murmurs after a moment, shaking his head. “You’re even prettier when you’re covered in me.” 

His dead serious expression is enough to break the haze of lust hanging over you. You throw your arm over your face, too flustered to look at him. “‘Gyuuuuu!”

“Changed my mind, I’m calling you ‘whiny' from now on.” The bed shifts as Mingyu rises. He laughs all the way to and from the bathroom, laughs even harder when you glare at him, reaching for the towel he holds. He surprises you by nudging your hand away. “Let me.”  

His touch is so gentle as he wipes away his mess, then your own. When you’re both clean enough, he lays on his side, draping his arm over you. “Think you can sleep now?” 

Oh, you can sleep. You’re feeling satiated in a way you haven’t for a long time, and now that the rush has worn off, you could knock right out. You should probably go back to your room, ride this calm wave right into sleep, not let yourself get too excited at the thought that this vacation might be the best one ever.

Instead, you grin, sliding your fingers through the hair on the back of his neck. “Yeah. But I don’t want to.” 

“Oh?” Mingyu’s smile mirrors yours. “What do you wanna do instead?” 

“I might have some ideas.” 

He lets you pull him down for a kiss, humming eagerly.

“Tell me what you want, pre-”

A sharp rap on the door startles you both.

“Dude, don’t you dare!” Minghao hisses through the wood. “We’ve been out here forever!” 

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© 2024 by minisugakoobies. Crossposted to AO3. Please do not copy or repost. I do not allow translations of my work.

[gortash-did-nothing-wrong]

Random Enver Musings 2

Warning: Discussion of overworking children in their studies.

Enver waited a bit later to let his daughter be introduced to society than most noblemen did. Most rushed their daughters forward, having them come to court at fourteen. Enver waited until his oldest daughter was sixteen to let her come. Personally he would have waited another year, but his darling daughter, Ember, was getting quite sick of waiting.

She was much like her mother, beautiful and graceful. And much like him, cunning and intelligent. Within a week of accompanying him to court, she had several friends, and to his utter horror, admirers. Enver nearly struck a boy over the head with his cane when the lad gifted his daughter a shoddily made bracelet that the lad insisted he had made himself. Judging by the harsh hammer marks upon the simple metal band, Enver believed it.

Ember had been very polite to the boy in public, but the second she and Enver were alone she took the bracelet off and giggled, pointing out every flaw in its making. "Daddy, you could do better than this in your sleep!"

Enver huffed, "And I will. I'll craft something lovely for you to wear to the ball next month. Perhaps a set."

His wife teased him that night. "You definitely raised a daddy's girl."

Enver, "Good. She needs to know men can't just do the bare minimum and get applause. With any luck it'll take her until she's in her thirties to find a man half as capable as me."

Enver finished pouring his wife her tea, sprinkling in the dried mint leaves she enjoyed. "Now come, have your evening tea. It's getting cold."

When their oldest son came to court, Enver found he had to supervise him much more. If he didn't, his son would show up in his work clothes from Damon's blacksmith shop, stained in soot, his fingers nearly pitch black. How many times he yanked his son into a water closet, scrubbing away at his fingernails.

"You're sixteen, I shouldn't have to tell you to be clean when you arrive at court!" Enver hissed, scrubbing soap on his son's face to rid him of the smoke stains.

"I worked a long shift, okay?!" His son, Jahson, snapped. "Don't nag me about my clothes!"

"You're lucky you're too old to spank." Enver grumbled, wiping the soap and muck away with a rag.

"You didn't ever spank us?"

"I'm thinking maybe I should start." Enver snapped, though they both knew it was all hot air. "Now go downstairs, get in the carriage, and have our driver take you home. Send him back for me and your sister in about two hours."

Jahson, "Why can't I stay for the rest of court today?"

Enver, "Because look at your clothes! You aren't fit to be seen! Wait until your mother hears about this!"

His wife packed Jahson a change of clothes in his lunch bag from them on, making sure he always had a set of proper clothing to change into after his apprenticeship hours at Damon's Blacksmith Shop.

"I swear, the boy is more skill than sense." Enver grumbled.

His wife chuckled, sipping on her nightly glass of wine as they sat in bed. "He's a boy. I know you were different as a teenager, but teenage boys have this remarkable ability. They can take their brains out of their skulls, put it in a drawer somewhere, and leave it there for weeks at a time."

Enver huffed, "Have I been too easy on him?"

His wife set her wineglass down. "You made him have seven hours of tutoring every week day and six hours of his blacksmith apprenticeship every weekend. The boy has one day a week he isn't learning something, and you usually drag him down into your workshop to help you smelt something. I'd say him forgetting simple things like a change of clothing is a result of you making him do too much. Ease up on our boy, hm? Ease up a little on all of them, actually."

Enver turned over, taking her face in his hands. "The world will not get softer for them. I am their father, not their friend. I need to ensure they survive, even if they hate me for it. Please tell me you understand that?"

"I do." She said softly. "But please tell me you understand the dangers of overworking a child?"

Enver was quiet for a moment or two, looking into his wife's eyes. "Why don't all of us go to our vacation home next week? We can give their tutors and nursemaids the week off, just have our little family together?"

His wife's eyes glistened. "That sounds lovely. I'll have the servants pack lots of goodies and picnic foods. We can sit outside at night and watch the stars."

Enver kissed her gently, "And I can leave some of my employees in charge here for a week. It'll do well for them to learn self sufficiency."

They fell asleep talking about their vacation, whispering about activities and meals they'd plan.

[angelselene]

I just had several Wreckage related thoughts (PTSD tw):

Ed and Roy are casually invited to a neighborhood BBQ, early in their time in the CM world, and they figure it's another phrase for a block party or something.

So, they get there a little early,.and then the dogs and burgers are put on.

Roy pales and his eyes unfocus and he starts to tremble. But he can't move. And he can't see the grill.

And their new neighbors turn to greet them, and *they* freeze, and Ed's like "i'm so sorry we have to go" and Ed drags Roy back to their place.

There are a handful of ways they can go from there, but I'm thinking Ed sticks Roy in the shower, because rain wasn't in Ishval, and even if it was, he's useless in the rain so he couldn't have been... working.

They so not go to bbqs after that.

Relatedly, Roy can't tolerate even the smell of meat for weeks afterwards, and they have to stay indoors for days.

But that's not to mention the fireworks that come that night, after the BBQ.

They... don't do well for quite some time.

(They at least know to expect fireworks on New Year's)

Ooooh, Ed and Roy taking a few days off on either side of July 4th to avoid going outside.

(And then fucking LABOR DAY why are they barbecuing today?!)

(Memorial Day is an issue too, but they miraculously miss it that first year)

Hmmm... I bet Roy can't eat most (maybe any) red meat...

Anywho. Had that thought and needed to share. C:

Okay, I have had this stuck in my inbox for like, almost six months at this point. Not because I didn't like the idea (I love the idea) but because I wanted to write it and surprise people and...

...I have tried. I tried to write it just as a one-off, to celebrate milestones on the series (1,000 public bookmarks, 5,000 kudos, both of which are amazing achievements I'd be happy to celebrate with), tried to write it for 10/3... and it's just... it won't come. I don't know if it's something about this particular emotional beat that I don't feel like I can write (I don't think it's that, because I've written similar to it), or if it's just that I marked the series as Complete and in my brain, the part of it that thought about the Wreckage-verse is just closed, but I've got like... 600 words of them buying their house, and nothing else.

And it is not a good 600 words. It is not a 600 words you'd want to be part of the Wreckage series. Usually, it's a sign I'd take to scrap it and start over, but after a still very recent irl upset, I just don't have the heart to push through and make myself write it. Writing anything right now is hard, and something I just couldn't make work before that upset is, unfortunately, not on the table right now. Sorry, Ryan, I really, really tried.

What I have been considering, if anyone is interested, is posting some of the original runs I did at an FMA/Criminal Minds crossover. I probably mentioned it in comment replies or maybe even in an author's note somewhere, but what became Wreckage is actually my third attempt at a FMA/CM crossover. One of them, I didn't get more than maybe a couple thousand words (I know, I know, only a couple thousand), but one, I got... quite a bit more done, and it's a pretty different angle because it has the BAU ending up in Amestris instead of the other way around.

That version required a lot more plotting, and when I realized that, I scrapped it (you all think I'm kidding when I tell you I hate writing plot), and moved on to a version where Ed and Roy ended up in CM 'verse instead. I have like... 16k of that. It's not all complete scenes, but if people would like, I can post what I have of it.

So... let me know.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I listened to Elis James and John Robins on the Comedian’s Comedian podcast, as I somewhat recently passed the point in their radio show when they recorded it. It was a really good episode, even by the standards of that podcast, which are high. Very little messing around with basic explanations of stuff that we could find on their Wikipedia pages anyway, they jump straight in with analysis.

I cut out a few clips as I was listening. I meant to write a paragraph or so about each of them. I am coming back here after finishing the post to say I ended up writing a lot more than that. This one gets out of hand. It mainly stays on the topic of the podcast episode and the radio show, occasionally veers off into some personal stories of my own, makes tenuous connections between the two. That's what's below the cut that I'm adding because not everyone needs to be subjected to that.

I particularly liked this one, from the very beginning:

First of all, Elis James definitely has met another person who will start a radio episode by sighing and just saying whatever's actually in their mind instead of trying for slick broadcasting. Elis knows him very well, the mother of his children is frequently recording lines to put in that other broadcaster's shows. However, there is the key difference that Daniel Kitson's doing that on an obscure radio station (well, two obscure radio stations as he used to do Triple R in Melbourne, but hasn't for a long time, so I mainly mean Resonance FM in London) that doesn't pay him any money, while John Robins is doing it on a commercial radio station that was presumably a significant source of his income and is definitely the main source of his career success. It's definitely more a risk to try in that context.

Anyway, I'd like to put the above clip next to this one:

I'm now three years into following this radio show/listening to various podcasts and other things they've done alongside it, trying to go mostly in chronological order, and I would say they do this in one form or another approximately every six months. Just explicitly state the status dynamic between them, which is that Elis is more successful but John is funnier, this creates a couple of sources of mild tension that can be funny to listen to and give them something to play into as a double act, but it also balances out enough so their entire relationship isn't going to implode like Jon Richardson and Russell Howard. It's always a bit weird when they actually say that out loud, comedians aren't really supposed to tell us what level of status they've decided to assign themselves/each other for any given moment.

Elis James frequently says John Robins is a better comedian than him, which also a bit weird because it's the sort of thing you'd say as a joke, but he never sounds like he's joking, and it's... I mean, I was going to say it's objectively true, I guess it can't be given how subjective comedy is, but it is pretty clear cut. And it seems to genuinely not bother Elis James, which I used to think was odd, but I guess it makes sense. I've been teammates with people whom I know are better athletes than me, and we can still be friends, and if anyone asks who's better I can be honest about that. It sure would make that easier if I also somehow won more medals than they did (to continue the somewhat stretched analogy of Elis James having more TV work so that balances the scales), though sports tend to be more of a meritocracy than arts so that doesn't really happen.

There's also truth in the thing John said about how one of them has to come up with content for the radio show - they're on the same official footing, co-hosts rather than calling anyone a sidekick or whatever, but the vast majority of the funniest stuff gets said by John, and more than that, John drives most of the discussions. He usually comes in with more features and stuff prepared, he establishes a lot of the running jokes and keeps them going, he's the one who will lead most of their offshoots into weird little sketches and characters. His timing is incredible sometimes, every once in a while he'll have an episode where he's got Lee Mack levels of being able to jump on everything that gets said almost immediately and be funny every time. He seems like he can decide, pretty much based on how he's feeling at the moment but possibly also based on a sense for how much potential something has, whether to wrap up a thread in one incisive sentence or to draw it out. And it's almost always John making that decision (if it isn't the producer telling them to get on with it, that is, but it's rarely Elis' decision). Sometimes I can hear John work out the comedic potential in something they're talking about before Elis does, and Elis will start to move on but John will bring it back and guide him toward it, and eventually manage to push Elis into whatever joke John had figure out would be funny but only if Elis said it.

Having said that, and this is a tangent but discussing whether Elis James is funny just made me think of it, I've been wanting to give him credit for something. At some episode sometime in 2016, Elis James was telling a story about someone he admired, and the story was about something fairly serious, and at the end of it, John asked "Is he a laugh?", which was quite a funny thing to say in the context, it's annoying me that I can't remember the exact story but it was something like that. And it was funny to hear John be so efficiently dismissive of the sort of weird story. But later in the episode, John told one of his stories about one of those vaguely depressing things he does, like obsessively do his taxes four months in advance or drink rum alone at 2 AM and get sad while watching Queen documentaries - one of those types of stories - and at the end of it, Elis asked "Are you a laugh?" And after that, for several months, Elis James brought that back the exactly perfect number of times. I don't know how he did it, how he got it so perfect every time. He didn't drop it for long enough for regular listeners to forget that he'd made this a running joke, so it would lose its power as a callback. But he didn't say it often enough for it to start to get overused and less funny (not that those guys would ever try to milk more from one bit than it should be expected to bear... but of course we're all on email). There is such a small sweet spot, such little room for error in the frequency with which you can bring back a joke and not fall into either of those traps, and he got it perfect every time. Every time he'd said it, I'd have a moment of surprise because he'd left it just barely past the point at which it had been long enough since I'd heard it for it to get really funny again, and every time, I'd take a moment to admire his timing. He kept it going for quite a while, occasionally responding to John's depressing anecdotes from his own life with "Are you a laugh?" So, well done to Elis James, he can be funny too. Also, I mean, obviously he is regularly quite funny on the radio show, just not as funny as John Robins. It's fine, most people aren't as funny as John Robins. I'm not as good at underhook setups as my friend I hung out with the other night, but it's fine, we manage to get on with our lives.

Anyway, that was only very tenuously related to the topic of this post, let me see if I can find my way back. John Robins and Elis James having an odd balance of tensions created by John being funnier but Elis being more successful. I'm not sure that's as true now as it was in early 2014 to early 2017, which covers the period of radio episodes I've heard so far. At that time, Elis had recently had major roles in two sitcoms (Crims and Josh). He'd had one Welsh-language stand-up special released on the BBC and I think was working on recording another one. He'd done some panel show spots, more than John I think. I think he's started on his BBC television travel show with Miles Jupp. He'd gone to Europe to do TV and radio things about the Welsh football team. John Robins, meanwhile, had released the audio from a couple of his stand-up shows himself on Bandcamp, had been on Mock the Week twice and one of those times was a fucking disaster, a couple appearances on As Yet Untitled, and I think he occasionally got on things like The News Quiz but less often than Elis James did. I think he had a pretty good stand-up career going by then, but it hadn't really translated to other stuff. And John complained at times that he didn't get as many reviews and publicity as his stand-up profile deserved, though it's hard to tell if that's true or just his bias. He had a job for a while doing TV warm-up gigs, but then he got fired for what sounds like a combination of drinking too much and being too harsh for the "keep it light" atmosphere. The disparity between his profile and Elis' was probably for two main reasons: 1) Elis has the significant USP of being one of the only comedians who's fluent in the Welsh language so that gets him some stuff, and 2) the reasons outlined in that second audio clip about John having pissed everyone off.

I think their positions are different these days, though. I'm into the March 2017 episodes right now, in a few months John Robins is going to win a Perrier Award, so he can't keep complaining about not having a significant enough stand-up profile after that. That turned into a Netflix special, a significantly bigger deal than Elis' Welsh-language BBC iPlayer special. And then in 2018 he hosts a panel show, which I have downloaded but haven't watched yet, I'll wait until I get there chronologically. To be honest I'm slightly dreading getting there because I have a feeling it might be terrible. I don't think it was hugely successful because I'd never heard of it before I started looking up John Robins things this year, and I went really deep down the panel show rabbit hole in the last few years, I watched some quite obscure ones but never came across this. It also only lasted one season. But still, he hosted a panel show on Dave. That's a TV career.

And now, obviously, he's on Taskmaster. And seems to be playing large rooms in his latest stand-up tour. A tour that I'd assumed would get filmed for another TV special, though he's mentioned recently that he's planning to put it on Bandcamp like his earlier shows, and I do appreciate him keeping it real for us despite now being a Taskmaster star with a huge tour (as much as this shouldn't make sense because there can be visual humour in stand-up, I tend to prefer audio-only stand-up that's usually closer to how it actually sounded in the room, over filmed versions that get more edits). On the other hand, Elis had a TV series about Welsh comedy a few years ago. A podcast with some football players. I've just looked it up and apparently he hosts a football-based TV show on Sky, so that's nice. But the gap in TV-based success has probably closed.

But that discussion they had in that second audio clip - about John Robins not getting stuff because he's (rightly and justifiably) reaping the consequences of being a dick with a substance abuse problem, and Elis James valiantly taking on the role of Robins Apologist - that really nails, for me, what I enjoy so much about their dynamic. I think that my favourite dynamic. I fucking love anywhere where two people get that one going. That dynamic that's summed up by this post htat I remember from ages ago and have somehow just managed to find because Tumblr's terrible search function decided to work for me today:

It was about a year ago that I had the extremely clever idea of adding that Taskmaster screenshot to that other person's text post, but I maintain that it's hilarious. Guy Montgomery and David Correos were so much fun because of this. At the time, I considered instead using a screenshot from Taskmaster UK season 5, with the speech bubble pointing at Mark Watson looking at Nish Kumar. There are so many example of two people whose comedy show interactions have been hilarious because they're based on one person making terrible decisions and the other person looking at them like "I'd follow him to hell and back but I wish he'd just stop going there." And not always a him, it doesn't have to be a him! Danielle Ward and Margaret Cabourn-Smith had some good "I'd follow her to hell and back but I wish she'd just stop going there" energy on Do the Right Thing (with Danielle Ward, of course, in the Correos/Kumar/Robins position).

I'm sure I realized until right now, as I write this, how much this might be my favourite dynamic in comedy because it also characterizes my favourite relationships in my own life. And I am genuinely not sure whether that's a me thing or whether most people can slot most of their relationships into one where someone's the David and someone's the Guy, in terms of who keeps driving things to hell and who follows out of loyalty but also apologizes. When I was in high school, and also for most of my twenties, my nickname among my friends was "loose cannon" because when they were trying to be careful and diplomatic in the political battles within the increasingly high levels that we reached in the sporting world, I was the person who once yelled at my coach in a hallway because I was so angry at the way he treated the athletes, and had a letter in my coaching file by age 22 that accused me of not caring about common courtesy. A letter from a coach who refused to work with me anymore because I was insufficiently courteous, so my best friend had to liaise with him on everything while asking me to please not upset more people and further alienate our team. And I have wonderful friends who tell other people that I don't hate them, really, I just seem standoffish because I'm shy, and later on they tell me that I really need to work on my poker face/ability to be around people I hate without making it incredibly obvious that I hate them. In addition to being genuinely shy. When we tried to get someone from my team elected to the provincial board, we knew from the beginning that 1) I would do all the actual work for both the election campaign and, if successful, the role itself, because I know and care the most about the issues and am good at admin stuff, and 2) I could not be the candidate because I hate most people and everyone I hate knows I hate them because I have no diplomacy skills.

Though I do also have one friend who coaches a team in another city and he knows he can call me pretty much any time and ask me for pretty much any favour and I will do it, and I will edit his emails and do his research for him to help him fight his stupid pointless battles and to try to keep him on top of things even though he can't keep track of anything and keeps making wild badly planned decisions, and people ask me why I don't just let him fail and walk away, and I say I know he seems like a brash asshole with no ability to think ahead, but he's a really good guy, really, once you get to know him. It's got back to me that most people in our sports community assume I am or was sleeping with him, as that seems like the only explanation for why I would stick by a guy who's clearly an idiot. The truth is much weirder, he was my university teammate in 2013 and one time he was in my corner when I had a panic attack in the middle of a match at the university national championships, and he saved me and got me through it and I managed to go back and win, and that's why I had to do things like sleep on a hotel room floor for a week in Atlantic City because he'd talked me into going on a provincial team trip where he hadn't booked enough rooms (or planned anything), because he'd earned my eternal loyalty. Oh God, I just remembered how during that trip he stopped to gamble in front of children, and I ended up yelling at him in the middle of the street in Atlantic City, "You know, I argue with people about you!" And he said, "What people?" And I said "People who think you're not responsible enough to run a provincial team trip! Which is everyone! I get into big arguments with them and you make it hard when you do shit like this!" But a few years later he was the first person I called when our mutual friend died because I realized in that moment, that's the person I trust most in the world.

Anyway. What was I talking about? Elis James and John Robins. I think I was talking about Elis James and John Robins. Okay, turns out listening to people talk about the friendships that you base on blind loyalty and apologism brought some stuff up for me. I think I have, in recent weeks, at times blamed my overly emotional posting - my posts that start out as comedy analysis but then go into oversharing about my person life - on the fact that I'm going through some emotionally difficult stuff as I'm trying to avoid drinking. But that's not the case here, I think I was always going to go on that tangent. I haven't seen my friend from out of town in a while, I'm a bit worried about him. I think he might be ruining his own life again. Something was going to connect to that. Rhod Gilbert reminds me of him.

Anyway. Anyway. Elis James and John Robins. Solid double act dynamic. Weird balance of status and tensions, enjoyable running thread of loyalty and apologism. Amazingly, I'm not done, here's another clip I cut out of that ComCom interview:

This is the second time I've heard John Robins tell this story, and I had the same reaction as the first time, which was: Oh my God oh my God oh my God, how were you ever able to sleep again? The horrible sharp pain of this story keeps me awake at night, just imagining what it would be like if that happened to me, and it didn't even happen to me. How could you ever sleep if it did? John Robins frequently tells stories from what he calls the "shame well", those things that happen where you obsess over how you did something wrong and regret it. John is constantly making jokes (or just statements) about how he lives a life mired in shame and regret. But still, I don't see how he can just casually throw this one out there like it's just another shame well story. It's so much worse. It's the worst one I've heard. I would hide under my bed for the rest of my life.

John Robins went on Adam Buxton's podcast in 2016, I have listened to that episode and it's not great. You want to talk about dynamics created by a differential in status - I think that one went way too far, to the point where nothing could really happen. There was this huge discrepancy of John Robins meeting his hero, which will often make someone sort of adorably giddy but not in this case, he just seemed a bit out of it and subdued. While on the other side, Adam Buxton appeared to have no idea who John Robins was, so not much discussion got generated. It wasn't a complete disaster, but I could understand why John didn't plug that one on his radio show, despite plugging most of his podcast appearances.

Anyway though, if I can manage to get past the sheer horror of the first part of that clip, the second part was sort of nicely validating. Because I am slightly weary of how much my trip down the Elis and John rabbit hole has got quite intense quite quickly, even by my standards of comedy obsession, and possibly taken a turn for the parasocial. I mean, I am currently writing a multi-page post about an interview they gave and it includes several paragraphs about my own life that are only tenuously related, in a way that I can say "Look I do the same thing as these guys I've never met."

The intensity of that has definitely been accelerated by the fact that I happened to, by a genuine coincidence, get into this show at the same time as I decided to try to slow down and/or stop drinking, and God, a lot of the ways in which John Robins talks about alcohol and anxiety resonates. And yep, I'd feel weird admitting it because I know it's sort of inherently creepy to say "they feel like my friends" about some people you've never met, but since John Robins said it first I think I can admit those headphones do make a difference. Might be another reason why I prefer the Bandcamp comedy to a Netflix special.

They touch on this throughout the ComCom interview - not so much in the clips I cut out but throughout the whole thing, it really is worth a listen if you're interested in this - the way their radio show gets so many letters from people who thank them for talking so honestly about mental health issues, people who say they've dealt with their own difficult shit and find this radio show has helped. Probably lots of shows get similar letters, but I think it's safe to say this one gets more than most. The Bugle used to read out their correspondence and Andy Zaltzman wasn't getting people every day saying "Thank you for making me feel less alone in my depression."

They really are good at that, at hitting the exact right balance of honest without being overbearing about it. For a show that spends so much time talking about symptoms of mental health problems, they almost never use the words "mental health". They never sit down and say "let's have a talk about what it's like to live with anxiety." They just describe their week, in more honest detail than you would normally hear on commercial radio. And leave in the parts where they panic about every decision they've ever made and get drunk alone in the middle of the night and cry because they think they've done everything wrong. And by "they", I mostly mean John.

I do like their word, "darkness". I didn't realize, when I first watched The Darkness of Robins in 2022 (a show John first performed in 2017, won a large award for it, released as a Netflix special in 2018, but I watched it in 2022), that that title's been around for ages. Elis James made a joke in an early radio episode, from 2014, about how someday, John should do a show called The Darkness of Robins, where he just lays bare all his anxieties, all his weird toxic quirks and control freak tendencies and oceans of shame and regret and various addictions/self-medication and cynicism and bitterness and anger and deep self-loathing. Elis said this as a joke, the joke being that you can't just put all that in a comedy show. But they kept the joke going for years. John did the Richard Herring podcast, in which he talked a bit about some of the more difficult mental health struggles he's had, and when he plugged it on the radio show, instead of saying "I talk about some of my more difficult mental health struggles", he said, "There's a fair bit of the darkness of Robins in it." And then he started casually referencing it on the show, describing a night when he might have drank too much and had a panic attack with a causal and sort of joke-y "I got overcome by the darkness for a little while." And then they started describing those emails from listeners who say it resonated with "[Person] has emailed in to say they've been afflicted by a touch of the darkness, sorry to hear that." And I just love that word. It's used with enough genuineness to make it clear that they're not making fun of mental health problems, they really do have them and it does feel dark. But also with enough irony - obviously there is irony in using a term as grandiose as "The Darkness of Robins" to describe panicking at 3 AM about something bad you said in school - to make it feel like it's not an after school special. I also like that they found a way to let that word mean no one has to name a diagnosis, to narrow their issue down to a loaded term like "I suffer from clinical depression", when not everyone who has that is diagnosed, not everyone is comfortable naming it, not everyone finds it easy to separate their symptoms into clear-cut causes. They can just use a shorthand like "the darkness".

It has been good, to have this radio show for the last couple of months that have brought some darkness into particularly sharp focus, as I decided to quickly remove the maladaptive self-medication. I've tried to stop writing about it so often the way I did earlier in the year, but as a little update on how that's going, still bad. Not enjoying it. Getting mildly parasocial about some guys on the radio might not be hugely healthy, but it's a healthier coping mechanism than whiskey, I guess. I'd really like some whiskey. Anyway I'm fine.

I do think that's why I find that Adam and Joe story so incredibly painful, though. I get paranoid about whether I get too parasocial about the comedians I like, I try really hard to be self-aware about it and be super clear that I know what I'm getting is a curated public persona and I do not actually know these people, and I am mortified at the thought of being one of those fans who thinks they actually are my friends and therefore they should know something about me. No one should know me. I hang out on Tumblr because it's the one social media platform where I know no famous people are searching their own name or anything, everyone's just an anonymous nerd. The thought of anyone knowing me makes me want to hide under my bed for the rest of my life. Though having said that, John Robins and Elis James are always very nice about people who write in with darkness emails.

Amazingly, I'm still not done this post:

Throwing this in just to say, once again, that I'm sorry for having also thought this but in my defense it's not just me. I am truly sorry that when I first heard John Robins got sober, my first thought was... but he's still going to be bitter and angry and annoying and plagued by regret and self-loathing, right? Because that's kind of the cornerstone of his comedy and is what I love so much about it. I mean obviously I want him to be happy, but could he release a couple more stand-up hours first?

I feel genuinely guilty for having thought that, especially because I do hold the sort of political belief that it's bullshit to say one must suffer to make great art, van Gogh did his best work once his mental illness was being treated, and all that. I do believe it applies to more contemporary things too. Jason Isbell made his best music after getting sober. I think James Acaster's best stand-up show might be his current ones, and it's a "let me tell you how therapy has made me healthier" show. But John Robins did base a lot of his comedy on being bitter and angry and annoying and plagued by regret and self-loathing. That's sort of my favourite thing about it.

I felt slightly better when I re-listened to his 2014 show (recorded in 2015) This Tornado Loves You, and was reminded that he admitted that himself:

That's John Robins talking about how his comedy has suffered because he's too happy in his relationship with Sara Pascoe, a relationship that has ended a 20-year search for happiness. And it goes with the clip I posted before that from the ComCom episode, of Elis James saying it's nice that John's relationship with Sara Pascoe recently ended, because it's given the quality of his comedy a real boost. And maybe they should just ruin John's life regularly to keep it that way. So it's not just me who had that horrible thought.

I'm feeling the need to clarify, once again, that of course I don't genuinely think that's a good thing. Obviously it's good that he got sober, for his sake but also, reports suggest his latest show Howl is excellent. I think Howl was written partly while he was drinking and partly while he wasn't, but performed after he'd quit, and the fact that it's done so well suggests that people can, in fact, make their best stuff after getting their shit together (I haven't actually heard the show, he's said he'll release it on Bandcamp sometime soon-ish, probably). And even if his comedy did get worse, which it clearly hasn't, it would still be best that he quit drinking because suffering wouldn't be worth great art, even if it were required for it. That's how it works. Drinking is bad for you. I definitely don't want to drink any whiskey right now. It's fine.

But. But. I recently re-listened to John Robins' episode of Isy Suttie's podcast, The Things We Do For Love. This is a rare instance that I've heard of a comedian being genuinely drunk while recording something. It's happened before that comedians will claim to be a bit loose and tipsy, but not usually so drunk that they're slurring their words. John Robins on Isy Suttie's podcast was slurring his words. He kept losing track of the question and interrupting at inappropriate moments. It's one of those things that makes me say "Oh, yeah, you really needed to quit drinking. This really was affecting your career, that's just a guy who showed up to work too drunk to effectively do his job."

But it was really funny. It made me laugh so many times. At one point he gets furious because Isy Suttie asked him whether he knows how to drive a car. Later on he threatens to murder her and Elis for their sitcom money, which would have been an okay joke but tbere was a bit of a sense of line crossing when he also threatened their child. (Fun side note that has nothing to do with John being drunk: at one point Isy tells a story about her ex-boyfriend, John Robins asks what the ex's name is but she refuses to say, which is weird because I know. It's weird that I know something about Isy Suttie that John Robins didn't, at least on that day.) It's a mess. It's hilarious. I feel vaguely guilty for finding that so funny, the same way I do about the episodes of No More Jockeys where Mark Watson gets properly drunk - that guy's probably got a problem too, I probably shouldn't laugh at it so much, but I also find those the funniest episodes. I have the say, the episode of Adam Buxton's podcast where John Robins was sort of awkwardly reserved would probably have been funnier if John had gotten drunk before it.

My best defense for that is I would not want John Robins to actually be drunk when he performs stand-up, or certainly when he writes it. Being drunk made him funnier on a podcast interview where he's supposed to tell off-the-cuff stories, because off-the-cuff stories get better when someone's filter has been broken down. But also, in his actual stand-up, or even his actual radio broadcasting, John Robins is doing a thousand little things at once to make what he's saying funnier. He's the master of the well-timed pause and the carefully chosen word. None of that would be any good drunk. So I maintain that you don't need to suffer addiction to make great art. It might help a bit to make funny tangents on an interview podcast, but not the actual substance. Also, however funny I found it, I don't think he was proud of that one. On the radio show, John plugged his appearance on Isy Suttie's podcast before he did it, but not one word about it on the radio after it had been recorded, even though most of those things he'll plug both before and once they're released. Though in a later episode of her podcast, Isy mentioned that the first guest she'd had on was a very drunk John Robins, who called her the next day desperately asking her to cut out the sexually explicit story he'd told using an old girlfriend's real name.

And she did cut it out, it's not in the podcast, as it shouldn't be, because it's not responsible to tell sexually explicit stories in something that's being recorded and will be published, if the audience knows the real name of the person you're talking about. Having said that, I've finally reached the point in the radio show where John's doing WIPs of The Darkness of Robins, where he does just that about Sara Pascoe, and I'm having a bit of trouble morally justifying how much I like the show in spite of that. I think I'll re-watch that show tomorrow, for the first time in nearly a year and a half. I'll see how that goes. I remember it as being very, very good. But also, in the last few weeks, I've had three different people watch it because of my posts about John Robins, and all of them came back to me to point out that the stories about Sara Pascoe are pretty inappropriate to tell on stage. I'm still holding out hope that I'll hear him clarify on the radio show that he did run that stuff by her before saying it publicly, or at least before recording it for Netflix.

Anyway, this post got a bit out of hand. I've tried for the last couple of weeks to slow down on my posting about the Elis/John radio show, and the posting about my personal life, but I seemed to have built up a lot to say and put it all in this one. I'm doing fine.

[idkwhoiamanymorebutwtf]

How would you deal with Marcy’s arc(assuming no major plot points could be changed?)

Okay, so, if I can't make any major changes- like giving Marcy a bigger role besides "being possessed" for all of season three or keeping her in Amphibia (whether permanently or just letting her go back sometimes by doing away with the "oops, portal's gone, they can't go back" thing)- I think my biggest change would be regarding Marcy's own feelings and attitude.

I think Marcy's biggest issue has always been that she doesn't have enough agency, self worth, or assertiveness, honestly. Her friends have seriously hurt her and she doesn't even seem to realize it, much less be in a place where she feels like she can say something about it. Even in Newtopia, where she seemed to be happiest, it felt like she was being taken advantage of to some extent with just how much work was being piled onto her by people who didn't really appreciate her. And I know they didn't explore it much and just kinda swept it under the rug to some extent, but I really do not get the impression that she had a good home life before coming to Amphibia (which, if we're making changes to marcy's arc, i'd also absolutely elaborate more on the things that pushed her to the point of being fully willing to never see her family again, because no teenage girl runs away for six months, let alone forever, and doesn't miss home once, unless there's a serious issue, which apparently the writers didn't think about). She's been hurt a lot, but she's always putting her feelings on the back burner to help other people.

Taking all of that into account, I think Marcy needed to learn to know her worth and realize she's allowed to say no to people/have negative feelings about things. That she doesn't need to fix everyone else, that she's allowed to ask for better for herself, how to set boundaries, etc. I think that would have been the logical evolution of her character arc. Honestly, that wouldn't even have been that hard to do without changing anything. Andrias blatantly took advantage of her! The core literally forcibly imposed itself onto her mind! It wouldn't have been difficult at all to use those story aspects to lean into the lesson she needed to learn!

Instead, in canon, it just kinda felt like Marcy was punished for wanting what Anne learned she deserved. Marcy's big moment was putting everyone else over herself again (not that it wasn't the right thing to do in that circumstance, i didn't want her to stay in the core forever, but narratively i don't think the writers should have made it a matter of self sacrifice or let everyone in the real world die! i think the writers should have made breaking free a matter of self assertion and individual identity!). She gave a whole speech about not running away from reality or whatever, said nothing about how she's been hurt by everyone around her, and decided to move away with her parents (iirc she didn't even consider another option, actually, i think we were meant to take her moving away as an extension of the 'lesson' she learned when she rejected the core offering her everything she wanted).

Overall I just think "I started this whole mess because I wanted to escape reality, but I won't run away from it anymore" was a bad lesson for them to settle on. I'm not sure what exactly the writers intended with that. At best, it was a lesson about being positive in the face of a bad situation, which Marcy didn't need to learn in the first place because, save for the, like, one mental health crisis she had that started the whole series, Marcy is a very positive person and in fact tends to push her feelings into the background for the sake of not making things harder. At worst, Marcy is actively shamed for wanting what is freely given to Anne (and what anne's told she deserves) and is taught to be complacent when she deserves to demand better for herself. Either way, Marcy's story would have been better off with her learning a completely different lesson in her big defining scene with The Core.

[haptureratch]

Birthday Weekend (33rd)

I could just get down on my knees and cry out my appreciation for this man. A trip to Austin including a place to stay, a one-of-a-kind omakase experience, brunch, feral go-karting, thoughtful gifts, and (as always) accepting me when I'm below my ideal self.

It started with racing to the city. I had been dragging all Saturday morning despite being so excited on Friday that I dressed nice to work and didn't sleep a full 8 hours. But I guess staying at work until 9pm will do that to you LOL. Before that, I'd had another psych follow-up....the next med to be trialed is Fetzima. After a prior auth. We all know my anxiety surrounding psych meds but also WE KNOW that I have to keep trying them.

Anyway, getting to Austin. I got there about 30 minutes before he did and spent the time settling in and catching up with Rilley. I spent a good few moments taking in the beauty of the bedroom. So pink, so cozy. So comforting and delicate of an aura with the light diffusing through the pink curtains of the tall windows. The bed: shades of pink and the natural blond of the wooden bed frame. (Later I'd be looking up at the pink tones of his face framed by blond hair and note that I was completely swallowed mind, body, heart, and soul by him and this room.) Then he pulled up in his little black Honda and we hugged. He was sweaty from driving his car for 3 hours with its not-so-great A/C; it gets overwhelmed in these temperatures and just won't put out ice cold air until the sun goes down. Getting inside, I joked with him that I knew why he picked this place, that it was the movie-related art and posters on the walls. But it was also a nice place right off of a popular road. In a neighborhood he said was well-liked for remaining mostly like Old Austin. At some point in the weekend he taught me about Moon Towers.... (maybe it was driving back from picking up pizza after the go-karting)

Once he told me about dinner reservations I shifted into getting ready. He asked if I really needed all of that time to get ready. OO HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS COMING. I started on my make-up and got him into the shower. Partly for the sweat and partly so I could sneak into the gift I got him for our six-month anniversary. Which was that day! The 10th of August. From the adrenaline of sexy conspiracy and the caffeine blood sugar fuckery that comes from not eating since breakfast, I was pretty shaky. But I got it all together. Oh, man.... The look on his face when he saw it. When it clicked together that I'd prepared him something special. Something I thought he'd really like. His face lit up and his hands were magnets to my body. I teased him. We played a little but ultimately I wouldn't let him kiss me too much 'to not ruin the make-up ;)' --agh, if I had known I was going to feel so ill after dinner I wouldn't have teased him so hard. I would have let him enjoy so much more. "You can do anything dressed like that." But anyway-- After some photos and fooling around and a shoe placed suggestively to a crotch, I changed into my actual dinner dress and we hopped in an uber and got to the place. The driver was a little insane, we noted later.

Dinner was wonderful. We had our usual endless conversation and joking, taking turns making fun of each other, making each other laugh.

Then, very unfortunately, so much discomfort and fatigue after dinner. He was so supportive. I still wish it had gone differently, though. I thought I saw pain or some combination of strong emotions when he stood behind me in the bathroom mirror and held me the way he always does.

We woke up and quickly made up for things not had the night before. I asked for him to be gentle. And he was. He always gives what I ask for. With such love. And this time I was the one almost overwhelmed by how powerful our connection is. But only because I still wasn't feeling 100% and had less 'spoons' to eat the moment with. I cried after. I was thinking of how lonely I was for so long and feeling that sadness at the same time I was feeling gratitude for being home at last.

You know.... Pink is becoming a color I think I like. I always preferred blues and green. But he's so pink. And now I have a pink bedframe because I liked the way it looks. And it happens to go so nicely with gray bedding which I also happened to pick out (after I picked it, I learned gray is his favorite color for linens). But luckily he has those blue/green/gray eyes too. My own eyes can never decide what they're seeing. And those two dark spots.

We got to brunch. Then relaxed (he rubbed my feet) and I took a power nap. We made it to go-karting. Played some arcade games while we waited. Just like our first date after the museum and park and food.

I felt accomplished after that. And it was super fun.

Then we picked up pizza on the way home. I showered and we ate. Then he got up and said "okay, time to open presents" .... I don't think I'll ever properly be able to describe his tone of voice. The sweetness kills me to think back on. He had me to to the bedroom for a couple minutes. Then came in and sat on the bed and joked that I was going to go to sleep. I walked back to the main area and saw a few packages wrapped in light pink wrapping paper with darker pink hearts sitting on the 'living room' table. I couldn't believe it. Even after all he curated for me this weekend, there were still gifts. A Diptyque candle--I could not believe paid his own money and got me one of my ridiculous candles that no one but me should ever buy for me lmao but it was also so him because he got me a special edition candle that was only available for a week for the Paris olympics--it is a powdery floral and linen scent. A book-shaped item that turned out to be a picture book of all our photos so far. Well, mostly ones of me. But this makes sense because they're the ones he's taken. I would have rather had most of them be US but I think it was meant to show me how he sees me. Show me his half of our relationship. Remind me that I'm loved and adored by him. The object of his attention. Something to capture. And what I guessed was a stuffed animal puppy (so he could say he got me a dog) but ended up being even better: a wolf. I said I'd put his cologne on it and cuddle it when I missed him. What I'd really need is to get the scent of his under arms on it, but I don't think his blue gel deodorant would transfer well to a stuffed animal. Then I read his card. IT MADE ME CRY SO HARD. I'll put it on here tomorrow or this week. I turned to him and said, "That's so nice." I hugged him tight. And if that wasn't all enough he had a damn Cameo from Chris Pontius. I scream-laughed at hearing him acknowledge that I had written Jackass fanfiction. And it was sooo funny and soooo Pontius the way he kept trying to keep going and hit all these bullet points that were probably written right next to the camera. I could not believe it. 100% fever dream. And a good way to end the gifts after reading that heart-wrenching card.

We went to bed. He asked if he could hold me....he always does ask and he never needs to but I still like hearing it. He said it didn't have to be for long since he knows I've gone back to having difficulty sleeping next to him (after we've been more into LDR territory the past few months). I said I didn't care. And in the morning, after his alarm went off a couple times and we snoozed those couple times, he said in my left ear, "happy birthday" ---- and let me tell you it felt like I've heard it before and I'll hear it every time until one or both of us are no longer here.

It's these moments. This magic. This familiarity even within firsts. These things register him in my mind and in my body as mine. Completely. In the way I've always wanted someone to be mine. The kind of mine I had to mature to have. I had to wait for it. But now that he's here

You know, that's why I think he doesn't feel real some times. He was the one I was always hoping for. It's a little hard to adjust to a space that's finally filled after a lifetime of wishing. To finally see what he looks like. To learn about him. To let him know me.

It's been six months and it only gets more profound. More beautiful. Deeper.

I'm excited to build a life with you, too, Steven.

P.S. some random tidbits I remembered afterward-- it was my "real" birthday this year (I was born on a Monday). Him getting out of bed to get my lip balm for me. The restaurant giving me a card signed by the staff.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

just need to rant a little about something, it's nothing serious just annoying

so, i've mentioned on here before that we've been helping out a family friend of ours here lately (i'll call him C and his wife R to make it easier) and that's been okay for the most part, but here lately there's something that's really been bugging me. a few things, actually.

i think i've explained this before but in case i haven't, they purchased a camper a while back and decided to move down to this area to be closer to some of their family and for a while they were staying at an actual campground and all was going well

as my dad started to get sicker, however, they offered to come bring their camper onto our property so that they'd be able to be right there if any of us, especially my dad, needed anything (it also just so happened that C had gotten into some kind of serious disagreement with the owner of said campground so they probably needed to move anyway but it was supposedly going to be all for our benefit)

which like hey, that's really thoughtful, thank you and so we agreed. however, in the process of making that all happen, it ended up taking them so long (not really sure why, but i'm sure there was a reason) to actually get here that my dad was already well on his way out

this meant that before hospice came in it was just me and my mom taking care of him, which was fine because as it turned out anyway by the time C was here to help me during the day that my dad didn't want him to see him like that so he really pulled all his strength to be as normal and lively as possible around him and then collapsed and spent the whole next day in bed

but hey, that's not his fault, it just is what it is, i guess my point is just...they never really ended up helping us with that, it honestly made things harder for us, but we still appreciated the gesture and we appreciated them just being here.

and since then sure, they've done a few things for us here and there. C especially has taken on the duty of hauling off the trash and here lately now that the grass is growing back he's been mowing that, so like okay, thank you but y'know, that's....stuff my mom and i could do.

it's also not like we don't have anyone else we could ask, my mom knows a fuck ton of people so it's not like, "well gosh, if you guys weren't here nothing would ever get done!!" because it would. we managed this long and my dad was sick for a long time before he actually passed so a lot of his responsibilities around the house had already fallen to us anyway so....there's that.

and i know this is starting to sound really snotty and i promise just...hang in here with me, okay?

because here's another thing: they have not paid rent the entire time they've been here. it's been eight going on nine months and my mom hasn't asked them for that.

she did, after six months, ask for some help with the utilities but even then i know she's undercharging them and still taking on most of the burden herself. (also at one point when our electric bill was crazy high and it turns out yeah, a lot of that was the shit with the ac unit but also they also admitted they'd been leaving a space heater running all day long in their camper while they were at work.........i dunno if you know this, but space heaters run up power bills like crazy and the only reason i'm mentioning this is like...C's work schedule now means he gets home before R and i'd notice whenever he got home he'd leave the camper door open for a bit....almost like it was too hot in there. and mind you, he often comes home and immediately starts doing some shit outside so....why couldn't you just come home, turn on the heater, dick around outside and by the time R got home it should be nice and warm and not too suffocating in there? but...not my business, i guess and i guess form their end when they weren't paying for the power who cares how much you run it up, right?)

my mom's also taken some the stuff around the place C has worked on into consideration and will take off from whatever utilities are owed because she figures that's fair

but on that note, we're both starting to get a little....mmm, pissed.

because my dad paid C $3,000 to do some specific repairs to one of the storage buildings he has and in eight month C hasn't once even started on it, nor has he given us any reason why he hasn't.

instead, he's been taking it upon himself to do all these little projects around the place that we didn't ask him to do, don't like the result of and that are supposedly solving problems that we've been managing just fine for almost 20 years now and acting as if he's doing us some great big favor and it's starting to feel almost patronizing like, "oh, you silly people just don't know how to manage this place, here, let me show you!!"

like at one point he poured a bunch of gravel and widened out part of the driveway and said something about it would be easier for vehicles to get around but like....i cannot emphasize to you enough how much that didn't need to be done and i even said something along those lines when he was showing it to me like, "Oh well, we've made it work for this long but thanks, I guess".

turns out, though, around that time he was talking to my mom about possibly moving their camper into our backyard for whatever god forsaken reason and so i'm thinking that's really why he did it, so it would be easier for THEM, not us but hey, if you say you're doing someone a favor you can just do whatever the fuck you want to their property, right? even if it's actually just for you??

okay, so there's that and now he's also doing god knows what at the end of our driveway where supposedly the gravel keeps getting washed away and sure, every few years or so my parents would go and get a bunch of gravel for the road (not just our part, but for all the neighbors) and would get out there and spread it all out and yeah it's probably not ideal but a lot of the reason why is because after a certain amount of time and cars going up and down a gravel road it....causes the gravel to move. wild ass concept, but it is what it is

now he's dug up a bunch of shit to create some kind of trench system or something because he says it's the rain that keeps washing the gravel away and this will stop it (mind you were were also in a drought for several months and the gravel still got fucked up but...okay!!) but now it just...it looks like shit, my mom said she can already tell it's going to make it harder to mow down there and he's also put a bunch of rocks up down there that have narrowed the entrance which i know has to be pissing off any ups or fed ex or anyone else who comes out here because i'm having trouble turning my car into it so i know they have to be as well

and here again.........we did not ask him to do this. we did not pay him to do this. he's doing this of his own volition and i get it it's supposed to "help" us and solve a problem, but i think it's actually just creating more than what the solution would ultimately be

that's been the case for a few things he's done around here that my mom and i already know as soon as they're gone we're going to have to undo

and here again....there's one project in specific you've already been paid a chunk of money to do and you're just...doing everything else but that

from my end of it as well (and i realize this is probably incredibly petty, but oh well) it's just....driving me insane anymore because so seriously whenever he gets home in the evenings now there's always some project he's out there working on and he'll be out there all fucking evening long until the sun goes down

which not only means that now i can't just go out into my own fucking yard whenever i want to without getting roped into a conversation i don't want (because every time i see one of them it's at LEAST 30 minutes of time in my day i don't have to stop and talk about their problems and he always wants to know what i'm talking about in therapy which just feels weird to me?? like he's started going to his own now and i guess he was trying to get me to just...share my therapy with him but like, bud, it doesn't work like that also i really don't have the bandwith to play therapist by proxy to anyone right now so like ????), but it's made taking the dog outside to go to the bathroom an absolute nightmare

because C and R also have a dog and so naturally any time C is out there so is their dog and whenever our dog sees him he goes nuts and wants to play and wrestle with him and all of that and initially it was like, "awww, that's cute, they're friends!" but now it's just a headache

i tried to open the door just a sliver the other day so i could get something off the front porch and our dog saw their dog out in the yard and so he zoomed past me and then it was five minutes of, "hey you two, stop play fighting! i need to get back to work, please come back inside!"

i actually had a meltdown the other day because of this.

it was one of those days where i ended up doing more chores than work and so by the time i was finally able to sit down and actually get something done it was right as C got home and decided to mow the yard which fine, whatever, but like...he had his dog out there with him who was so upset by the sound of the mower that he just stood right next to our house and barked and barked and barked and barked and barked which means our dog started to bark and bark and bark and bark and bark

and i realize the gracious and kind thing to do probably would have been to just let their dog come inside so he could at least stop barking his head off but once again i knew it would be a lot of "hey, hey, hey boys settle down! hey quit that! please just lie down here next to me while i work, please!?" and i just...couldn't

i took our dog upstairs where he at least wasn't right at the window going ballistic and that calmed him down some but i was just over it by that point

another one of his projects that he's also always out there working on now is this truck he bought, because that's another thing: we were letting him drive my dad's truck for a good while there (like over a year i think?)

my dad obviously wasn't using it and C was in a spot where he needed once because while they were at the campground a tree fell on his truck and damaged it beyond repair so hey, no problem.

once again, here's something we didn't ask for anything in return and you can just use it, all we ask is to please be careful with it because we have a lot of memories attached to it with my dad and he really loved it

well, at some point (mind you after it's been over a year) my mom let him know she would eventually like to have the truck back, especially so she can do things like haul mulch for her garden or get gravel for the road, etc. but there was no pressure, no "you have to do this right now!!!" type of thing and it was only after he'd driven the truck for a long, long ass time did she ask him to pay some of the insurance for it.

okay, so he goes out and gets himself a used truck but it's....in really bad shape. like i don't know fuck all much about vehicles but i can tell you just from the look of it and how its leaked oil all over the place that it's in bad shape but...alright. it's a fixer upper, i guess and he swears he can fix it so it's fine

except for the first few months he continued to just drive my dad's truck while he worked on that one. not....really what we had in mind and he's clearly banged the front of it into something because the front plate has a crack in it so that's....neat.

but still, we haven't really said anything, my mom just keeps dropping gentle hints about hoping to be able to use the truck for different things (mind you, too, we have to ask him for the key so it's not like we can just take it whenever we want.....even though it's ours)

but okay fine, you're fixing up the new old truck, whatever but then every time he gets one thing fixed something else breaks and then he's right back to using my dad's truck and i just....am not really sure why this was the solution

and i know what you're thinking, "geez, anna, you overly privileged bitch, not everyone can afford nice things!" but here again...we haven't been charging them rent for several months now, he has a good paying job, they're both working and when i explain some more shit in a little bit i hope it'll be a little more clear as to why this is puzzling me

here again, though, it's not my money, it's not really my business, we're just trying to step up and offer whatever assistance we can and i guess if he needs to be out there every single day just....tearing up our yard and fixing his broken ass truck until the sun goes down we'll just....deal with it

my mom really wanted to get out in her garden today and just be left in peace to do that because it's good for her mental health, but he was out there fucking around all day and she also didn't feel up to having a long ass conversation about what new terrible project he's up to out there so she just stayed inside and watched TV.

but speaking of vehicles....so, i mentioned that a little while back around Christmas that R got into a car accident and it ended up totaling her car (this was after C bought his truck, btw) and so we were all just happy she and everyone else involved were okay

obviously she was going to be without a car for a minute so we offered her multiple solutions: for one, she and my mom work at the same place now so my mom offered to drive her to and from work every day which would have also saved on gas, but she said no to that which okay, fair, i get it, i like having the independence of my own vehicle and not having to rely on someone else, especially if you wanted to leaver earlier or stop on your way, so that's fine

but at this point we now had a whole ass extra vehicle that's just...sitting there and no one drives which to me seemed like the obvious solution, right? but she also said no to that because it wouldn't be as comfortable because it's a truck (mind you, this woman used to drive a school bus, so it's not like she's intimidated by the size, she just...didn't want that vehicle lol) but so....okay

i offered her my car. i don't ever really go anywhere except to the grocery store, the pharmacy and therapy and it's not an every day thing for any of those so i was like, "hey, you can just take mine if you want" and that idea she did like!!

in fact, she liked my car so much she....pretty much just took it over for a few months which meant every time i needed it for something i had to ask for my key back and whenever i did ask there was always...something

"oh, well, how long is that going to take because we were going to go do blah blah blah...." like...??? then take my dad's fucking truck!! (i should mention that this isn't the one C was still using off and on, he had a different one that he was driving while C was driving his old one full time and so it's literally just been a whole ass bonus vehicle that neither my mom or i are as attached to as the old one that he used far more, but C won't drive this newer one for whatever reason and R didn't find it to her satisfaction so...fine) but i just worked it out around their schedule even though one of the things was "oh, well we were going to take your car to go get the oil changed and wash it!!"

they've been promising me that since december and it's almost april now and guess what still hasn't gotten done?

which hey, no worries, i am perfectly capable of going to get my oil changed and washing my car, i've been doing it for over a decade now, but like....are you going to do me the favor or not because as soon as i get the extra cash i'm just...going to go do it myself and really don't need to be jerked around here being promised every weekend that it'll happen and then it just doesn't

this also again started to become this thing of like, "oh anna, what would you do without us, you don't even know how to properly take care of your own car!!!" because they keep telling me i need my oil changed....which i know, but then they also say they'll do it but never do so like.... and then i noticed every time i would get in my car the heat was always cranked all the way up to 80 and at full blast and R was putting shower caps on my side mirrors because didn't i know that would help them from getting frosted and gosh, my car is just so hard to defrost!! but like.....hey um, y'know that AC button, the one that's always turned off whenever i get in my car? yeah, that doesn't just do cool air, y'all, it's what helps the defrost work if you'd just...turn it on.....maybe you wouldn't have to do all of that and crank it all the way up, i mean...gosh, i've only been driving the fucker for a few years now but what do i know!!!! because any time i tried to ever say anything, i was just wrong!!!

that's something R does to my mom constantly, is just tell her that she's wrong about everything because R saw something online somewhere or someone told her something and so my mom's just wrong and we're both idiots i guess (except i also seem to remember R not wanting to get vaccinated when Covid first hit because she thought the vaccine was of the devil, but y'know...it's me and my mom who don't know shit about shit, i guess!!)

but so at some point i guess me asking one too many times for my key back so i could go to therapy or whatever i guess pissed R off because she decided (without asking my mom, just told her one day) that she would just carpool with her for a while

and i know it's me and i know i'm probably one of the biggest bitches on the planet, but i swear to god i was so nice about this whole thing and really tried to not ask for my car unless i absolutely needed it.

but okay, whatever, fine, ride with my mom, i guess. in the mean time, R and C were going and looking at some used cars to see about getting her a replacement but it took....goddamn forever and the only reason i'm bringing this up is because C was even telling me how frustrated he was getting with her because nothing they looked at was good enough for her and she kept finding some reason or excuse for every one for why it just wasn't adequate

she was even talking to me about it at one point and telling me about this one car she was looking at but she just wasn't sure......and when i asked her what was wrong with it or why she was hesitant she couldn't give me an actual reason, she just didn't know.......

now personally, and this is just between us, i think she was just happy to not have a car payment for a little bit and was trying to see how long she could stretch it. i know that sounds ugly to say about someone, especially someone you love but here again....there will be context to why i think that revealed in a bit

eventually, though, she did seem to find one that would do (or maybe just sensed that everyone was getting annoyed) and settled on one, so great! awesome!! and unlike C's truck, this one actually seems just fine and has no problems, so even better!!

but then like...i don't remember if it was earlier today or yesterday but like...they had to go somewhere and instead of taking his truck or her new car they took...my dad's truck. again.

and i dunno, maybe his truck was acting up again and they needed to haul something her suv couldn't but i just....alright. no please, continue to put more miles on that thing when you both have your own vehicles just sitting there, it's fine!!

but okay, so here's the other thing: my mom helped R get a job at the place we all work. like she vouched for her, asked our managers and because she has more pull than i ever will they agreed to give a shot

she started out as a scheduler for one of the providers and it was going....eh, okay, but she wasn't happy doing it and was getting really behind so that's one thing i have to give my job, for better or for worse, they're very hesitant to fire anyone. you have to fuck up pretty bad to actually get the axe (which is also why i'm so cautious about just quitting it to jump onto something else because job security like that just doesn't exist anymore and it's probably to do moreso with the fact that they don't pay us all that well, our insurance always sucks despite us working in healthcare and they make each of us do the work of like two or three other people but whatever)

she used to work front desk before they moved down here (at the exact same kind of specialty office, so it's not like this was a whole new venture for her) and yet it's been months and she's still just...not doing a good job.

so much so that my mom has told me damn near every single day at least one of her patients ends up sitting out in the waiting room for anywhere from 30 minutes to a damn near hour and it's because she just...didn't finish checking them in!! she's been doing this for months now.

and listen, i'm really not trying to be one of those people who's like, "well if i could do it, anyone can!" but like....it's really not that difficult of a job. i've worked multiple in this company now and front desk is the second best option next to what i'm currently doing (also not for nothing but when i first started back they had me working front desk and getting charts ready for the providers and handling all the incoming referrals by myself so like....i really do get it; she's only being asked to do front desk and that's it)

and listen, because i've been working at this place for so long, i completely understand how it operates and in specific, how bad our managers are at training new people.

it's one of those things where they only know about half the steps themselves so they have no real grasp on how long it actually takes for someone to get the hang of things and think you can just show someone something once or twice and they ought to have it down pat, but like...obviously that's not going to be the case

from my end of it, though, i just....realized that pretty early on and instead of sitting around and hoping someone would come along and train me more i just started asking questions to any and everyone else who i saw did know how to do the job and honestly because of that is how i got to be so good and well-rounded at it that a manager had me write a training manual on how to do that specific job

is it ideal? no and i agree 100% that management should be responsible, but i believe heavily in meeting things where they're at and so if i see management isn't going to do it and it needs to get done, i will find a way, goddammit and most of all, i will not let the patients or anyone else suffer because of it

people can think whatever the hell they want about how i approach my job, but that's always been one of my biggest things is that because we work in healthcare i feel an obligation and duty to our patients to try to take care of them in a timely and efficient manner because as a life-long disabled bitch with a lot of anxiety to boot i know the more streamlined this process can be from the patient's perspective, the better

they should not have to be calling us, calling us, calling us asking if anyone's ever going to look at their referral or sitting in the waiting room for over half a goddamn hour when their ticket should already be printed and the MAs who are already busy up to their eyeballs don't need to be constantly coming to the front asking if their patients are ready yet

but, again, i get that it's frustrating when your job is letting you down and not doing right by you and if this were any other situation i'd say fine, y'know. it's definitely not ideal for the patients, but if you don't give a fuck about anyone else then fine, just...keep showing up every day and doing a bad job on purpose because at this point (and she's said this, i'm not just assuming or putting words in her mouth) she just wants them to fire her so she can get unemployment.

now here's where i get especially pissy. again, if this were any other job and that was her strategy i'd say fine or if this was a different position and it was affecting someone i love, fine.

but one day she came over to do some laundry and were were chit-chatting about work and as she was proclaiming that she just wasn't going to try to get better at her job i did go ahead and just gently point out to her that while i understood her frustration, her doing that ends up messing up my mom's entire day

my mom is not like most providers who i assume have also been dealing with this, but they'll just roll with it and be like, "oh well, your visit should have been 20 minutes at least but now it's going to be five so i can get out of here on time!!"

my mom takes as long as she needs to take with her patients and even when her schedule goes just fine she'll sometimes take almost the whole hour for some that are really sick or really struggling or just whatever the situation is and she'll sacrifice getting any kind of break.

i can't tell you how many times she's come home and said she didn't get to have lunch and was just on her feet all day going from patient to patient

that's a sacrifice she's more than willing to make because she loves her patients and wants to take the best care of them possible, so to me it's just....kinda shitty to make that even harder for her??

because when that kind of thing happens, even just whenever a patient themselves is late, that can throw things off but hey, shit happens, right?

to me, though, it's different if the reason is because someone at front desk just...doesn't want to do that job anymore but instead of quitting and finding something else or asking if she can be moved to some other position she's just going to tank it on purpose and make my mom's life hell every day

and again, i said this all gently, i wasn't the least bit mean about it and i even offered her some help.

i specifically told her one of the ladies that helped train me who has been doing that job for so long that she knows every trick, every trade, every secret and is one of the nicest people you could ever meet that i just know she would say yes if i asked her, "hey, would you mind showing R some pointers, i think our job has left her out to dry"

she too has been through the ringer with them and would fully understand and i know she would have said yes and R even said she had met her before so it's not like i'm telling her to reach out to a complete stranger to ask for help but to my knowledge she hasn't bothered nor did she seem interested in taking me up on my offer to show her some pointers so like....what else is anyone really supposed to do for her at this point?

i'm really not trying to be a bitch here, but like...??? (also, not for nothing but my name has already come up in conversation over who would take her place if they were to move her somewhere else and thank fuck one of my managers stepped up for me and said, "uh, anna actually has enough on her plate right now, ask someone else" but like....she doesn't even realize she almost screwed me over, too by handling it like this)

and i guess the thing that's really pissing me off is like...this shit's obviously starting to piss management off so they've been coming down on her and what does she decide to do?

keep going to my mom sobbing about it and asking her what she should do.

she even asked her at one point if she knew of any other jobs she could help her get and i just...i'm sorry, but that has just flown all the fuck over me

my mom helped you get this job, vouched for you and said you'd be a good worker and all you've done is prove her wrong and fuck up her entire day every single day, she's let you live here for almost 9 months now rent-free, we've given you and your husband our vehicles to drive around and haven't asked for shit in return and you're fifty-fucking-seven years old, how about you get yourself another job instead of asking my mom to fix it and also wanting her to play goddamn therapist to you??

because she's done this on more than one occasion now, barging into my mom's office during a time she's specifically told her over and over again she really needs to be able to focus on her charts and getting results to patients and just plops herself down and won't move until my mom will give her something or fix her problems for her

and more than that, any time my mom tries to ever gently correct something she's said (especially if it's medical knowledge which yeah, what the hell would my mom know, she's only been doing this for like 40 some odd years now) or even just be like, "mmm, i'm not sure that's right" she gets like...almost hateful with her and belittles her going, "no, no that's not true!! that's not right!!!" and like this shit with not checking patients in, she wanted to roll up on my mom one of those days and be like, "i just wanted to let you know this wasn't my fault, i was doing everything right!!!" and was like...angry with my mom because she had said something to one of our managers but honest to god, she didn't even know at that point that it was R's fault, she thought it was the other front desk lady and again, this was after it had happened several times that she even said anything but...okay, i guess

but what's also getting me is like... that same other front desk lady told my mom that R had said something to the effect in regards to them living with us that yeah, they'll probably be here for at least a year and she's using this time to get caught up on all her bills!!! :)

now listen, that's....nice and all, but uh........my mom also gave them $2,000 at some point (i don't even remember for what, they just needed it) and she has yet to pay her any of that back

so between the two of them, they owe either the work my dad paid for or that $3,000 back plus another $2,000 so essentially $5,000.

and it's not like my mom's been sitting here just hounding them for it, she hasn't said anything, actually, which maybe that's why they're taking their sweet time but i just...what the fuck, man.

my mom also loaned out a shit ton of money to one of my dad's sisters because she's trying to raise her daughter's daughter so that she doesn't go into the foster care system and you know what she did even though she really should just get to kick back and enjoy retirement? she got a job so she could take care of that little girl and as soon as she got her tax return (which she must have filed right away) she paid my mom back for all the help she gave her while she was looking for a job

and the thing of it is, my mom is constantly giving out money to people.

i know if someone on the outside were to look at us and look at what we have it would be easy to assume we must be rolling in it but for one, it turns out my dad's income was actually the primary one and without it we don't really have it liked we used to (which is not to say we're struggling, i don't want to misrepresent us by any means, but like i see my mom's paychecks, they're only about double what mine are and i see the bank account, it doesn't have anywhere near as much in it as it used to)

and on top of that, yes, my mom is constantly trying to help as many people as she possibly can.

i know at one point while my dad was dying i opened her cash app because she asked me to send some money on her behalf because she was doing something with him and just the first few things that popped up were like "$400 to one of her friends who was out of work at the time, $600 to my brother who was homeless, $150 to my niece for something the girls needed, $300 to my dad's sister to help with groceries" and it just went on like that

she is by no means a stingy person and it would be one thing if we came from old money or someone somewhere had a trust fund, but so seriously both of my parents were poor as shit growing up and worked their asses off to get where they are

yes, they've obviously had privileges in the process of doing so just by virtue of being white, cis-gender, able-bodied straight people (well, my mom did date a lady that one time but mostly straight) but like...two things can be true at the same time and as someone who's medical expenses damn near bankrupt this family, i know we have not always had it easy

it's in fact a big part of the reason why my mom is so generous and tries to share as much as she has with everyone she can because she and my father both have had to be at the mercy of family, friends and even complete strangers to get by in this world. she constantly feels guilty and like she's not doing enough to share what we have now with everyone

we've had several conversations about this house and this property and she and my father have made me promise them that if i ever decide i want to move somewhere else or give this place up that i just make sure it does as much good for other people as possible, even if that means turning it into some kind of shelter or retreat for people struggling so they can come here and have some peace

so it just...pisses me off to no end that here is someone who's reaping the benefits of all of that, that we're sacrificing our peace and space for with little to no return and yet it's just...never enough and on top of that it's like....one of you goes to work and actively makes my mom's job harder for her and the other one stays here and does shit to this property i know probably has my dad tossing and turning in his urn

and i know this is bitchy, i get it, but like...i cannot tell you how much this has frustrated me as i've tried to sit here and process about a million different kinds of grief and it just feels like these two are running all over us and turning this place into something neither of us are happy with while just constantly taking, taking, taking and never really giving anything back

and the thing of it is, anything they even could do for us at this point we really don't need them to. we've managed just fine up until this point without them and again, it's not like if they couldn't do whatever little it is they are doing we couldn't just ask someone else or do our own damn selves.

my mom literally knows a guy whose entire business is lawn care stuff and he's come out here before to help mow and she's paid him for it, so like....we're fine.

because that's something else, too, R keeps saying she'll come help me and my mom clean and organize stuff but in all this time she hasn't once done it and every time my mom and i are doing stuff she just complains that her back's killing her so she can't which like, fine! again, as a disabled i completely get not being able to do something even though you'd like to, but like...don't offer, then. don't keep promising it when you know you're not going to.

don't keep saying you will and making us sit around and wait for you while shit piles up and we eventually end up doing it by ourselves anyway if you know you're going to be out of commission for doing that kind of stuff. i get that it's nice to offer, but i dunno, just say, "dang, i wish i could help with that. here's what i can do, would that help?" and have it be something you know you can or just...don't offer anything at all, idk

and not for nothing, but it's not just me sitting here getting all paranoid and accusatory towards people i love because i'm just that kind of bitch, it's some of my mom's friends now that are seeing this and getting pissed off on our behalf and i'm just...so, so fucking tired. so goddamn tired.

i realized the other day that pretty much my entire fucking life (with a few exceptions) we have opened up our home to our friends and family to stay with us and have helped people out with bills and whatnot.

i remember in particular when one of my brothers and his wife and their kid came to live with us when i was a kid which to me at the time kicked ass because their daughter was one of my best friends so it was like getting to be roommates as kids but my sister hated it because she had to give them her room and sleep on the couch (they were also the ones, btw, who brought the police to our house one night because they were driving under the influence with their kid in the backseat.....good times!!)

we've also had my dad's brother and his wife live with us, one of their kids live with us (i can't remember if it was him and his wife or if he was still single at that time, but he definitely did), that same brother from before except this time just him (y'know, the time he sexually harassed me and had to be kicked out?? not good times!!) and one of my other brothers for a little while AND C and his previous wife (who was actually our blood relative, we are not related to C or R but we didn't like his previous wife even though she's family so we always joked we'd keep him it the divorce) as well as her son who at the time i think was like 13 or 14.

and once again, it has always been a, "hey don't worry about it, we've got you, we'll help you through whatever this is, we'll help you get jobs, we'll take care of everything, just respect us and our space and we're good"

but it's largely because of how things ended the last time C was here with his previous wife (we'll call her D) that i think we're both hesitant to really say anything because although this was largely on D it still just...ended badly and caused a whole bunch of drama and i just cannot emphasize enough how much we just want peace right now.

because last time i shit you not, all we did was sit down at the dinner table together and said, "hey, so we just wanted to talk about some things and get y'all's side of it and see if we can't work things out" because it was getting to this point where like...D kept inviting her adult daughter to come and spend the week with us without ever asking us (and while she was here D also gave her permission to just..take some of my stuff without asking? like fully took it to a whole ass other state and would be on facebook bragging about whatever it was of mine she was using and that was the first knowledge i had that anything of mine was even moved) and how in the mornings after they made breakfast for just themselves they would leave behind a big ass mess that my mom would have to come behind and clean just so she could then make her own breakfast and it was starting to make her late to work.

we were nice about it and were even like, "hey, we know that we probably do stuff that might get in y'all's way or there might be things we can improve on to help us all get by easier so is there anything on our end we can help with?"

and that just apparently undid D.

how fucking DARE we ask her to clean up her mess or banish her daughter (our FAMILY!!!!) from this house, what uppity, awful people we were!!!! when that was.......not at all the case

i mean mind you, i dunno what digestive issues her son had but every fucking day there was just....shit all over my toilet. literal human shit just caked all over the fucking toilet seat and we all shared my bathroom so it's not like she didn't know

at one point he fucked it up so bad in there i just got fed up and was like, "hey....your kid broke my toilet again, can you fix it this time please?"

mind you, D wasn't working and all she did was sit around our house all fucking day eating our food and farting up the place. i'm pretty sure my mom tried to get her hired as well but that didn't pan out either so like....whatever

but yeah, because we had the gall and audacity after months of this bullshit to just...gently ask, "hey can you guys...pull your fucking weight around here a little?" that was it!!!!

they packed up all their shit and got out of here and proceeded to tell the rest of the family what awful, terrible, selfish monsters we were and that WE had kicked them out and forced them to struggle (mind you, it didn't take them any time at all to find a new place because C was mostly gone during all of this working his ass off to compensate for D's lazy ass but still, as far as anyone knows we tossed them out onto the street and said, "good riddance!!!")

and so i say all of this to say i'm just.......incredibly frustrated right now

again, i realize it is a tremendous privilege to be in a position to be able to help others and give out money and all of that, 1000%.

but at the same time......does that mean we really deserve to be taken for a ride constantly?? and have our lives made worse for it without even an apology or attempt to do right by us??

i dunno.

i've really had to do some soul-searching lately and ask myself if it's us, if we're just....bad people and this is just what we deserve.

but then i think, no, if we're that bad then everyone should just distance themselves from us, right? it's like...serial killer behavior to only keep people around that you think are so terrible that they deserve to be taken advantage of, but not so terrible that you ought to protect yourself and do the healthy thing and distance yourself from such terrible, awful people

please just kick us out of the family or out of whatever personal circles and y'know what's fucking sad about that? not so much my dad because he had a lifetime of putting up with this shit, but my mom and i specifically are the type of people that you can treat us like utter shit and we will still try to help you if you're really in a bad way

we may not do it perfectly or give whoever we're helping every single solitary thing they could possibly need to have a better life, but goddammit if we don't try. (i actually made my dad cry at one point because he could see me getting sucked into trying to help my brother out the same way he tried to for his entire life and i forget what in specific i had done but it was a big ass favor for him and my dad had tears in his eyes when he asked me "why did you do that?" and said he loved me for having done it but knew there was a good chance i'd get burned for having done so but oh well. at least i tried).

and i know a lot of people who know me or even are reading this probably think i'm just some irrational, selfish bitch just for shits and giggles, but it so seriously comes from a lifetime of shit like this

i have watched my entire life as family member after family member, friend after friend, coworker after coworker and everything else in between come into our lives, gladly accept all of the help and money we can possibly give and then skip out of lives while giving us the middle finger and telling everyone how badly we let them down and what no-good pieces of shit we are and i'm just....so fucking tired

i dunno if all of this has triggered something in me, but i've started having dreams about a friend i used to have (we'll call her B) and just...jesus christ, man, same fucking thing

i was best friends with this person for about a decade and the entire time we were friends i tried my hardest to give her everything i had and then some.

her family were not that great and they especially wanted her to be home all the time, i don't think she'd never even gone to the movies before i met her so i tried my very best to share everything i had with her and take her with me wherever i went and buy her little gifts constantly and take her out just to drive around to get out of the house and bought her dinners and took her to concerts that i paid for everything for and do you know what it got me?

tossed to the side the second something better came along!!!!

specifically for dick.

i never could compete with that, nor did i want to, but goddamn if i wasn't tossed out on my ass every time she got into a new relationship which i think is a lot of what's fueled my issues with relationships and wanting to be in one so bad because it was like....oh, guess i better find someone, too... speaking of, the one and only time i ever dated someone B stopped talking to me completely, not because she was jealous or anything, but supposedly because it was *checks notes* for my own good? idk

i ended up breaking up with that guy specifically because of that, i didn't think he was worth losing my best friend over and turns out that was the right call because he was actually engaged the entire time and wasn't planning on telling me so that's...neat.

but she didn't know that and again, didn't ever attempt to actually talk to me like, "hey, i don't think you should date him, he seems like a loser" she just....avoided me completely and refused to even pretend to be happy for me

on my end, though, my own envy aside, i always showed up to support her and whichever dude was actively taking my place to the point where she would stop responding to my messages altogether unless she needed me as a shoulder to cry on

i literally got dragged along on their dates and even once for some reason had to....stay in the house her boyfriend was living at at the time and sleep on the couch, but i just remember trying to get to sleep and having to put my headphones on because they were upstairs having sex so loudly so like...for all i ever get accused of being a crazy, jealous bitch who can't handle herself i've actually been very supportive of my friends getting into relationships even when they were with complete assholes who i tried as hard as i possibly could to pull them away from

it's something else, too where like...B essentially made me be her mom, her therapist and caretaker all rolled into one and tasked me with saving her from herself and yet...every single time i tried, no matter what i did, she would undo in an instant and then i was supposed to come in and clean up the mess and make it all better so that she could turn around and do it all again and again and again all the while my heart's just breaking for her over and over again and i'm pissed off at myself for not being able to save her and once again...what did she do to me? even though my sister had recently passed?? she abandoned me!!!!! for some fucking guy!!!!!! wooooooo!!!

but here again....years later she came back to me and apologized and even admitted that she had taken advantage of me. granted (and maybe this is ungenerous of me, but) she was going through a hard time and it seemed like i was just sort of the last option, but i still did a favor for her anyway

even though she hurt me over and over again beyond measure, even though she took advantage of me, even though the more i shared everything i had with her, the more she only seemed to resent me and even though i tried to the point of exhausting myself to save her from her own life and herself only to be tossed out like hot wet garbage at the drop of a hat, i still helped her because that's the kind of person i am and that's a promise i make to everyone who passes through my life

unless you do something just...tremendously fucked up to me, i will never leave someone i once cared about (and still to some extent always will) out in the cold, not on purpose anyway

i try to always be incredibly clear about what i'm capable of doing even if it seems like i ought to be doing more or should just do x, y, z already!! there is always a reason why i do what i do and sometimes that reason is as simple as i was losing my fucking mind and wasn't thinking clearly but yet again....i try to the best of my ability to communicate that and i know that i wasn't always able to help B with every single thing, but just...my god there is truly nothing more miserable or draining than someone you love assigning you the role of their personal savior while they take all of your hard work and efforts to do so and just...gleefully throw them back in your face going, "haha, i fucked it up again, did you bring your mop?? you've got a biiiiiiiiig mess to clean up this time!!! teehee!! also, if you don't clean this up for me and shower me with praise and gifts the entire time you're doing it i'm just going to assume you don't love me and i get to replace you as soon as i find something better, okay byeeeeee!!!"

i just...i'm so fucking tired. i'm so, so, so goddamn tired

all my mom and i ever try to do is help the people we love and offer up as much as we possibly can, but it's just been a constant, life-long thing for both of us to get screwed over, talked shit about and/or ditched in the blink of an eye or when we need help the most all because ?????

and once again it's like.....if we're that bad of people that we deserve this then why can't everyone just leave us the fuck alone?

pack up your camper, take all your shit, take your stupid fucking projects that make it so i can't set foot outside my goddamn front door without having to strategize and just fucking LEAVE

i just want to mourn my dead loved ones in peace while i try to finally gather up enough energy to actually start taking care of myself and it's like i just can't get a fucking break from this constantly guilty feeling that either i'm not doing enough for everyone or that whatever i'm doing, i'm doing it in such a horrendous way that it's like, "yknow what? fuck these people, i'm taking them for a ride, babey!!"

i really don't mean to ever hold anyone to shit other people have done to us in the past, but after being backstabbed by so many people in your life (especially by family) it just...changes you

i've tried my hardest for it to not, to stay as gracious and as patient and as giving as i possibly can be, but at this point i'm just beyond exhausted and fed up

i've already internalized the idea that no matter how much i work on myself, no matter how much i try to communicate with others my every feeling that even i don't understand enough to articulate properly, no matter what i do clearly i'm doing something so wrong that this many people in my life have seen it fit to treat us like this and so in the past few years i've pretty much abandoned pursuing any sort of new connections or relationships or anything.

my therapist disagrees and actively encourages me to open my self up to new people and new experiences, but i just can't at this point. B once even told me that i would not be a good romantic partner for anyone because i'm just so....y'know, how i am and i agree

i would be a fucking nightmare of a partner so i've pulled back, i've stopped imagining it and now even when i can tell people are trying to be my friend or might be interested in me in any way i just...shut it down or give very little because i know i'm just going to fuck it up at some point or they'll meet my mom and i guess between the two of us we'll just...do whatever it is we do that makes people think we owe them the moon and all the stars in the sky and our failure to hand those over means we're secretly evil, hateful people or what the fuck ever

i dunno and i truly don't know what's going to happen with this situation, but i have a bad feeling we're once again going to have to be the bad guys because we'll have to say something at some point (likely whenever something gets broken, probably my dad's truck) and then they'll go out into the world and tell anyone who will listen about how horribly we've treated them and how wrong we did them by....oh right, yeah sure. okay.

i love the both of them, they've been good friends to us up until this point, but something somewhere must have happened and now we're here.

oh, and that's another thing i also just remembered, so one morning before work R was in my mom's office once again even though she'd told her multiple times she really needed that time to look over her stuff, but whatever, and R started getting all teary eyed and whatnot and when my mom asked her what was wrong she just...snapped at my mom and was like, "Well, don't you know what today is?!" and my mom said no and apparently it was the 3 month anniversary of my dad's passing

obviously that threw my mom through a loop (and right before work, too, thanks!!) but it was almost like...i dunno, R thinks she's mourning him better than we are or something? like how DARE we not realize it had been exactly 3 months since he died, where was our humanity?!

i also get the sense (and they obviously haven't come out and said this) but like...they kinda blame us for him dying?

and like i get it, when he did go downhill he started to go pretty fast and it took all of us by surprise, but like...i dunno. sometimes it feels like they think we did something wrong or that we pushed him into the grave. i know C one time had asked my mom if she should really be giving him as much medicine as she was (which was under what hospice had advised, btw and also once again my mom is a fucking medical provider and this is her husband) but like....yes, C, we're pretty fucking sure

i myself was taking care of him once while i was working and he kept taking his oxygen off and then panicking so that his face started turning blue and purple and the only thing that would settle him was a little bit of that medicine

we never gave him too much because my mom knows how he was with that kind of thing and didn't ever want to be too obtunded but like...the man was also dying and needed to be comfortable but like...no sure, you guys were here for all of, what, one fucking day and once again, my dad put on a performance for you because he didn't want anyone but me and my mom (and not even really me, honestly) to see him like that but yeah, man, you definitely know what he needed and whether or not we were taking proper care of him, get the fuck out of here

and that's just a whole other can of worms i don't even have it in me to get into but just....that's something with one of my mom's friends of acting like she's supposed to be like....happy now that he's dead???

and it's just so insanely cruel because i know from my own posts on here like....yes, he and i did not always see eye to eye. i was, in fact, right smack dab in the middle of unpacking and processing a lot of things at that time they honestly made me look at my parents a little differently because i felt like i had been let down in some ways but y'know what? that's my shit to sort out and likewise, they were going through a little rough patch there for a minute but that was also theirs to sort out

by the time he died we were all good. he and i even sat for a while (one of the last times he was fully coherent) and he asked me if there was anything we needed to settle or he needed to apologize to me for or anything and i decided then and there to just let it all go.

i'm 33 years old and i'm in therapy now, even if i wanted to sit here and list out all the ways my parents haven't always done right by me, it's ultimately my job at this point to sort that out for myself and figure out what the hell i'm going to do about it instead of just be pissed off at them and blame them for everything that ever goes wrong in my life

my mom has shown me here lately that she's at least trying and we're having better conversations than what we used to have and i'm sure if my dad were still alive we'd also be getting to that point and i can acknowledge that although there were obviously things they could have done better for me and my sister (and on my dad's side for his three sons) but i just don't have it in me anymore to sit around and wait for someone else to get their shit together before i decide to get mine together so regardless of all of that, i'm doing what i need to in order to take care of myself and she's doing the same, but nowhere on this fucking earth are either of us fucking happy that he's dead just because we didn't always see eye or eye on everything or because we sometimes let each other down

that is life, that is relationships

in a perfect world where no one had any kind of trauma or defense mechanisms or maladaptive coping skills, sure, we would always do right by one another and no one would ever cause anyone else any sort of pain whatsoever and we'd all eat a cake made out of rainbows and smiles but that's just not how shit actually plays out and of course it's important to strive to do better, but we were all trying our best, we just were also all breaking down in different ways at the exact same time and trying our best to hold it all together so yeah, sooooooooo sorry we didn't do everything the exact way everyone thinks we should, but suggesting that we don't care as much as people who couldn't be bothered to so much as come over to wash a load of dishes for us is such utter fucking bullshit and makes me so goddamn mad (mind you, too, this friend of my mom's also talks shit about her actual piece-of-shit husband all the time but i know if he dropped dead tomorrow she'd lose it if any of us suggested she was just "going through the motions" or "all she does is cry all the time" or that "maybe she should go on medication" like she's said about my mom)

it's not enough to lose someone you love and have it be this long, drawn out thing that just kills you more and more every fucking day, now you have to compete your grief with people who use my mom and i like some kind of magical well that somehow stays full even though they only toss a half full bottle of water into it every so often

i just....whatever

i'm sure i probably sound like a crazy, selfish monster who's just whining about having to share her toys but it feels like more than that to me and i'm just....really fucking sick and tired of it

i would so much rather if people would just be like, "hey, we think you're total pieces of shit, but you could help us out of this tough spot so, whaddya say?" and that'd be fine.

i would so much rather do favors where we're all clear about the terms and there's no expectancy on my part of having actual, genuine family and friends that care about us and will actually be there for us at our lowest than i would have people who just lovebomb us into placation every so often when they can sense we're about fed up and see how much shit they can get away with trampling all over us for, it's just...so fucking unnecessary

i don't lie, i actually really hate it when people lie to me because on a gut level i always know i just rarely ever say anything because i like to give people the kind of grace i hope to receive in return for my short-comings but like...my god, is it so not necessary to do that with me

i've had people tell me directly before, "hey, i don't want to be your friend anymore" and that's it, babey!! those are the magic words, say no more and i am out of your life for good!! but always with the stipulation that if you ever really get in a jam, if my replacement isn't all they're cracked up to be, if whatever happens goes wrong and you need someone, i will always be here

just don't fucking pretend to like me or my mom and then do this kind of shit. i really can't take any more of this kind of thing. i just want to heal and grow and try to build a life i actually want to live even if it takes me forever or never pans out

i at least want to try and it's incredibly difficult to do so with two people right now fully crammed up my ass who just....aren't helping us in the least and are actively making things harder for us

but oh well. i guess that's just life and we'll just deal with it however we have to even if it makes us the bad guys in the end. if that'll at least bring us some peace and quiet then i can live with it. god knows i'm already the bad guy in so many other people's stories and i'm fine with that, too. just leave me alone to be a awful, rotten bitch and if you're going to use me, use me directly instead of playing games. it's all i fucking ask.

[substantialfreak]

One year ago, two years ago, three years ago, four years ago (some sad sewer shit imminent)

One year ago... it doesn't seem like much has changed, but it has. All for the better, but my criticisms seem to want to diminish them all, or choose to focus on what was not accomplished. As per usual. I have a less physically demanding job that is a lot more gratifying. It is also one that feels less embarrassing to have at my age given I have no degree. I play dnd with some rad friends I didn't have last year. I have some really enjoyable hobbies and one in particular has finally given me an outlet for a lot of my other creative endeavors that I thought I would never get to put out into the world. And I am finally ready to breed. I think I even met someone who I might be able to make a family with instead of just being a donor. So fingers crossed for that one lol There are things I would love to make better for myself, through my own efforts and not bc someone saw fit to give me charity. Which I am always grateful for when it happens. But I feel like I have been surviving on the charity of others, and generally outside benevolent forces, for a very long time, and not bc I chose to live that way. I'd like to feel like I'm actually steering instead of just weathering and trying to make sure my little vessel doesn't capsize.

Two years ago... I lived in another state but was on the same coast as I am now, I had a partner but I was slowly becoming quite unhappy, as was he. We honestly shouldn't have stayed together as long as we did, but I was still decompressing and trying to find my footing. He was no angel, but was not a monster to me. Just living under the immense weight of his own life and grief over the loss of his sister. I think he had just polished off the last of the 200 case box of whip it canisters he had purchased over the winter, and the p***y seeds he Johnny Appleseed'ed into the garden were starting to sprout. Yeah... he was no angel, but he still managed to not go back to using despite the questionable purchases, and the subsequent o***m and sunflower garden we grew. It would be nice to stop dreaming about him, though. And picking up on his grief like a radio station that usually comes in as static, but will, on occasion, come in clear as day. Especially since we never talk. I'll always cherish the chunk of time we spent as two people just happy to be me making happy memories with someone again. I think we both needed that.

Three years ago... I find myself not wanting to even type out what it was like. All I hear is static when I think about it bc I don't want to think about it and I'm trying to write over it as if it never existed or ever happened. Granted my life at this point three years ago was already drastically improving, and for reasons not even remotely related to covid, it was still as awful as it could get. A month from this point I would finally have my unemployment money coming in from my previous genuinely evil employer, and a month after that I would be living in a tent, and a month after that I would be driving cross country and sleeping in my car, and a month after that I would be living with my now most recent ex bf and enjoying life by the beach for the next year. But this time three years ago I was just trying to stay alive long enough to get away. Once I moved in with my ex, it took six months before I stopped feeling phantom bug crawling on my skin. And I guess I just don't like thinking about it bc all I do is want to make wishes to change things that will never change, bc they already happened and are long behind me. So I just try to remember that I'm not there anymore, that I don't have to live like that anymore.

And finally...

Four years ago... "this isn't your average every day darkness. This is advanced darkness." I was a frightened animal back into a corner, and was experiencing a near constant feeling of fight or flight. A month from this point four years ago I button mashed flight bc I couldn't handle it anymore. But I actually like being alive, so... I lived. But I still know what it feels like to anticipate the sweet embrace of death bc finally... something was going to change and I wouldn't have to live like that anymore. Such a strange experience forgetting what happiness was, and then feeling it again in that moment of all moments. But there it was. The next year I spent my time going to therapy and telling myself and anyone else I talked to that I was going to buy a van and live in Mexico during the winter months, and work the summer months in the US. I was so done with my life the way it was, my awful employer, and my then emotionally and mentally abusive partner, that it didn't matter that I knew I wouldn't get enough money from my tax return to pay for a van so I could make my plan happen. It didn't matter bc no matter what did happen, I was leaving, and was willing to be homeless just so I could. And in a way I did end up having to do that. But I still got out. I still left it behind. It and 25 years of pain and sorrow peppered with some good times and good laughs. But mostly sadness and bitter regret.

I got laid off (20), then I got fired before getting laid off (20), then won my appeal hearing and got to hear the adjudicator verbally read my old manager to absolute filth in a moment of pure vengeful glory (20), then left the awful apartment (20), and the awful ex that was already my ex but was forced to continue to live with bc we were poor and it was southern California (20), then I lived in a tent on my mom's property in the mountains (20), then I drove cross country to the east coast (20), then I lived with a kinky man for a year and decompressed and shakily got back on my feet (20/21), then moved again sad from breaking up but glad to be totally on my own (21), to my grandmother passing away (21), to getting a job that is the least embarrassing to have as someone without a degree (21), to finally providing myself with my own stability, enough that I'm able to enjoy hobbies without feeling guilty (22), and finally being ready to enjoy one of my biggest kinks/fetishes (22).

Idk if that run on sentence is done being written yet. The rest of this shit better just be a nice fucking ride, though. I've done enough. I've experienced enough. It's shaped me enough. THAT'S ENOUGH SLICES. We will now resume the predominantly breeding and pregnancy talk.

[buckybarnesdiaries]

a place called home

© credits to the author, i found it on google. if you own it, send me a message to add your @.

bucky barnes x reader. ⎢ masterlist.

Request by @dora-wolfram-blog: Hi <3 so happy to see your requests are open! How about ex Avenger reader who can manipulate the forces of nature and she comes to help Sam? (Idk maybe calling fish from the sea so his family can sell and earn enough money for the boat?) There she meets Bucky who she briefly met after endgame and they get to know each other? Domestic stuff is my weak spot so thank you so much luv u <3

word count: 1.206 words.

warnings/tags: none. bucky being a gentleman and sam a pain in the ass as always.

author notes: none of my stories contain reader’s body descriptions to be inclusive.

Join the tag list here.

Saying that Bucky and you were friends wasn’t something exactly. You fought together a couple of times before you retired from superhero life. Like many of them, the war had finished and you chose calm over being a private agent. More or less like the ex-soldier, with the difference that he went to New York and you didn’t be able to find a home until Sam made you a call. He was quite the opposite of Bucky for you, connecting since the very first second you met. After he told you about his sister’s financial trouble, he offered you a roof to sleep under in exchange for your powers to control the tide and promote the movement of fish stocks. Of course, it was a hit, and you finally found peace in Delacroix. A celebration was inevitable, it was part of Wilsons’ DNA, but you weren’t expecting Bucky to show up with Sam; although he told you in your last call that they were working together. Or something like that.

As soon as your eyes laid on him among the crowd, you knew he had changed after more than six months without seeing each other. You couldn't help but feel happy for Bucky when you saw him smiling for the first time. He had a beautiful and innocent smile, seeming like a new man. Renovated, with want to live, enjoying playing with kids and talking to old men about war stories.

You had placed your back against an oak column, away from the crowd but close enough to check on everyone, in case they need help with anything. A beer was resting against your lips, doubting on continuing drinking, lost in your thoughts. There was something about Bucky going from one side to another, laughing unworried, that had fully captivated your attention. You weren't able to stop looking at him, chuckling when you saw one of Sam's nieces putting a magnet with the form of a crab on his left arm.

“I have that teen-in-love's face on camera”.

You frowned at Redwing some inches away from your face. As a response, you tried to slap it down. But your friend was faster than you controlling that thing.

“He looks good, uh?”

“Oh, shut up…” You replied by clicking your tongue and rolling your eyes, having a sip from your drink to put your eyes away to the sea.

“He asked if you'd be here… Just saying”.

“Shut up, Samuel!” You implored, rubbing the bridge of your nose.

As the night went on and the guests started to leave, Sarah asked you to take Jim and Jody home while she stayed there cleaning with his brother about the business. You were exhausted too, and she noticed it. And after saying your goodbyes, you headed to the parking where your car was stationed, carrying the younger Wilson onto your arms —peacefully sleeping— as his big brother was yawning loudly. At that point, you realized that it was going to be a tough mission to put them in the car.

“Wait! Lemme help”.

The male voice coming from behind you made you turn around and before you could react, Bucky was taking Jody from your arms to his. You smirked softly in response, looking for the key in the right pocket of your jacket to unlock the car. The soldier tucked the younger in the back seat, placing the belt around him as Jim occupied the other side of the SUV.

“It's been good to see you”. You said after closing the door, staying outside in front of him.

“Same”. He replied, not knowing what else to say.

Puckering your lips and clapping the key on your palm, you nodded with your chin, feeling the nerves running through your veins. “Good night, Bucky”.

“Good night, (Y/N)”.

You gave him your back, sighing inappreciably, to open the pilot's place and came in.

“He— Hey, wait”.

“Uh?”

“Sam told me… you were tired. I might give you a ride back home. I can wait for him there”. The offering made you glance towards him, already sitting in your car but with a leg rest on the ground. “If you want, I mean…”

Of course he did (...). That son of a bitch had the audacity to push you onto the other. You bit your inner cheek, landing your eyes on the wheel. Yes, you were tired. You woke up at five to sail with Sarah, then you organized the party and cooked for it. You hadn't had a single second of rest during the whole day. And Sam took advantage of it, feeling like he was some kind of Cupido. And you had to recognize that it was also very considerate coming from Bucky.

“I'd appreciate it… actually”. You ended up agreeing, stepping out to give him the keys and ceding your seat.

The ride was silent between the two of you, hearing some quiet indie music playing on the radio while you fought against your brain to stay awake. Luckily, it didn't take him too long to reach Sarah's house —although you were barely keeping your eyes open at this point. Again, he helped you with the kids, walking indoors and following you to their respective rooms. You tucked Jim and Jody on their beds, making sure they were comfy before placing a kiss on their foreheads and wishing them a good night. Bucky had rested his back against the wall, in front of the elder’s room, just waiting for you. And you could swear that you saw him briefly smirking because of the tenderness in your actions.

After closing the last door, you waved your head to urge him to follow you downstairs to the living room. With an exhausted sigh escaping your lips, you let your body fall on the sofa, curling on a side of it to give Bucky some space. You couldn’t help but yawn, turning on the TV by using the control remote.

“It’s good to have a home to come back”.

“Yeah… After all the shitty situations we’ve been through… We deserved a rest, don’t you think?” You replied grabbing a cushion from the floor, using it as a pillow over the armrest. “Sorry, I… I’m deadly tired…”

“Come here, that will hurt when you wake up”.

Bucky didn’t hesitate on beckoning to his arms, taking off his boots heel against heel to place both legs over the coffee table. You didn’t resist, knowing it would be comfier by his way. Sitting up, you lied to the opposite side, being wrapped instantly and snuggled against his warm body. Shameless, you rest your head on his right forearm, practically laying over his lap. But you felt good. You felt like it was a good reward after a long day, rolling down your eyelids and focusing on the caresses in your hair you didn’t know you needed.

For a moment, your mind wandered and fantasized about this last hour being part of your real life. Putting your kids to sleep and then cuddle with your husband till falling asleep. Smell Bucky’s strong and edgy scent. Your hands scratching his back. His fingertips stroking your scalp. Your legs laced (...)

Oh, God, Sam. What did you do?

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[rosekasa]

prompt 16 with adrinette? 🥺 👉👈

hello dia ily

we're also ignoring the fact this is 9 months late

AO3 / from this prompt list

"It's starting!"

Nino produced his camera.

Kim and Ivan put down their hot chocolates.

Marinette huffed. 

Standing on her tiptoes, she surveyed her line of sight. Nothing but a forest of people much, much taller than her.

She bet Alya could see her suffering and was probably laughing at her. She was right at the top of the hill with the others — where Marinette would've been if she wasn't stupid and actually listened to advice.

"Why don't the taller people stay closer to the front and the shorter people stay back on the hill?" Alya had said, inspecting an aerial map of the park. She was the one who'd broached the idea for the entire class to go to the fireworks show tonight, and she never messed around when it came to being a good host. "So, Kim, Ivan, Nino, Juleka, Adrien, you guys stay up front. The rest of us will be at the back."

Marinette had scoffed. "Hey. I'm not short."

The entire class had turned to her, eyebrows quirked under winter hats.

"I'm not!" she'd insisted. "I'll prove it. I'm gonna go stand up front and have a perfect view of the show from there."

"Fine." Alya had bitten back a smile, eyes sliding over to Adrien, fast enough for no one but Marinette to notice. "I'd never want to deprive my best friend of a perfect view."

A line of fireworks soared up, golden shards slicing through the sky. Music boomed from the speakers right beside them, vibrating through her teeth.

Hands shot up with them, phone cameras at the ready, cheers racking through the park.

Marinette sighed. There was no way she could talk to Adrien over all this noise. 

As of two weeks ago, they were dating, which was a funny way to put it considering they were still yet to go on an actual date together. In fact, they were still yet to spend even an hour alone together, Adrien being in the middle of promo for his father's winter fashion line that felt like it'd last forever. He'd asked her out via text message, in the pinch of time he had between hair and makeup and outfit change and photoshoot — a rushed, typo-ed, OH YEAJ MY LADY B4 I GO DO UBWANNA BE MY GIRKFRIEND before disappearing for another six hours. 

And, thus far, their relationship had been pretty much the same — stolen, texted moments between school and homework and Chinese classes and fencing lessons and modelling. After four months of intense eye contact and sitting way too close together during patrols, she would've hoped that being his girlfriend would have given them an opportunity to do something about all that tension.

She'd hoped that that something could've been done tonight. A last minute photoshoot reschedule had left him with a free slot for the evening, and, somehow, Nathalie had convinced Mr Agreste to let him come to the show. It had sounded so perfect — fingers intertwined, watching fireworks streak the sky, whispering in each other's ears, alone in their own little bubble.

A cardboard cup tumbled to the ground. Warm liquid spattered across Marinette's jeans. Someone had thrown their drink off the side of the hill, and now she had hot chocolate dripping down her calf.

"Well, that's gonna stain," Adrien said, looking down.

The music had died down a little, enough for her to hear him. Or maybe she'd just gotten used to it.

"I guess it's my own fault for following you guys down here," she said. "And wearing pink jeans."

Three chrysanthemums burst above them, dyeing the sky red.

Adrien laughed. "I think your pink jeans are cute."

"Thank you for supporting my bad decisions."

"Always, My Lady."

Something shimmered up ahead, behind the knot of figures in thick winter coats and woolly hats. A collective, awed ooh rippled through the crowd.

Marinette inspected a loose thread on her gloves.

"Can you even see anything from down there?" 

She glared at him. "Are you calling me short?"

"My Lady, you're... not exactly tall."

Another firework whistled by. Applause scattered through the crowd. 

She wanted to fire something back at him, something about how she'd still kicked his ass during their last sparring session, something about how she could probably kick his ass even now if she so wished. But all she could think about was how the fireworks illuminated his face, dancing across his skin in ribbons of gold.

"You're annoying," was her incredibly scalding retort.

He glanced away to catch the next firework, a cluster of spinners punctuated with a beat drop in the music. There must've been something else, something bigger, given the bang that tore through the night. Not that Marinette would know.

"Hey, why don't you come stand here?" he said, gesturing to the inch of grass in front of him.

Marinette made a face. "You think I'm small enough to fit there?"

"Come here." He put an arm around her, pulling her closer. "Isn't that better?"

She was looking directly through the gaps between the crowd. It wasn't a perfect view, but she could at least see the giant brocade in almost all of its glory, melting away with a wisp of smoke in its wake.

"Wow," she said. "That's really beautiful."

He didn't reply. His breaths were on her ear, brushing through her hair.

She tilted her head back, and found him already looking at her. Fireworks shot through his eyes like comets.

"Adrien," she laughed, stomach fluttering the longer he looked at her. "You're missing the show."

"What're you talking about?" he said. He cupped the material of her coat around her waist. "I'm catching every moment."

"Last time I checked, my face wasn't a fireworks show."

"Such arrogance, My Lady. Who said I was looking at your face?" He pointed somewhere past her head. "I'm actually looking over there. Not at you at all."

She snickered. "Okay. I believe you."

"Good. 'Cus it's true."

The song changed to something softer, but they were close enough to the speakers for it to still thrum through her bones. 

She turned to face him, slinging her arms around his shoulders. Her coat sleeve slid up her wrist, pressed to the warm sliver of skin between his hair and scarf.

"Cold," he hissed, but made no move to remove her hands. "Aren't you missing the show now?"

"What're you talking about?" she said. "I'm catching every moment."

Adrien smiled. His hands slid up her sides and around her back, pulling her in until their chests were pressed together.  "Last time I checked, my face wasn't a fireworks show."

"You guys, the finale's—"

"Kim, dude, they're having a moment," Nino said from behind them.

The sky flashed pink around the sea of raised phone cameras.

Marinette grinned, pulling him closer. "Your face is better than a fireworks show," she said. "Just wish I could see it more often."

He let out a breath. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

He pushed her hair from her face, hands slipping down to her cheeks. "I'm sorry we haven't gone out on a real date yet."

She cupped his hands. They were warm, somehow, even though he'd left his gloves with Nino. "It's okay. I know you're busy."

Adrien pulled her in and kissed her forehead. "Never too busy for you, Buginette."

She smirked. "Even when you asked me to be your 'girkfriend'?

"Ughhhh." Adrien dropped his head to her shoulder, laughing. "Stop. I couldn't wait until we next saw each other in person."

"Don't worry. I'm happy to be your girkfriend."

"Sssh." He kissed the top of her head, then turned her back around to the show. "No more talking, My Lady. Look at the fireworks."

The bass dropped so low she felt it in her chest. The park exploded into colour, chrysanthemums and spinners and brocades, crosettes and strobes and tourbillions shooting over their heads. 

Marinette tilted her head back once again.

And, of course, he was already looking right back at her.

[gretavandutchy]

a friendly favor | two

{danny wagner x fem!reader} fake it til you make it collection: phase four!

summary: when a friend needs a little help showing his ex that he’s moved on, you’re a little too willing to help him out.

word count: 3.1k

warnings: language, a little more pining bc why not, awkward first encounters, meeting the ex is always weird

So, perhaps another thing you hadn't thought of when you'd offered to be Danny's fake girlfriend for the weekend was just how awkward it would be.

You hadn't thought about the fact that all of these people, including his ex-girlfriend herself, were apparently all very close. They'd been friends for years, and the ex-girlfriend was apparently a childhood friend of Danny's best friends' sister. Their bonds ran deep through years of time spent together, a sort of bond you had with none of them.

All of that was to say, you were pretty sure they were all a little on the fence about you. They were welcoming, and kind, and they treated you with respect, but it was obvious to you that they viewed you as an outsider. Conversation was kept light and surface level, and you could easily see the way the guys all seemed to drift away from you and toward one another.

Holland hadn't even arrived yet, and you were curious to see how things would fracture once she did.

Sam, Danny's best friend as he'd mentioned, had been the one to let you both inside. He was a rather gorgeous guy, with flowing waves of brown hair and brown eyes that lit up at the sight of Daniel, and he'd been quick to clap his arms around him in a rather dramatic bro-hug of sorts. "Thank fuck you're here," he cheered, "I'm about to lose my mind with those assholes. They've been fighting over the loft for two hours now."

You'd furrowed your brows in confusion, but Danny had just laughed and said, "I'm on it. Can you help (Y/N) take our stuff to the basement room?" With that, he'd dropped his suitcases and pressed a kiss to your cheek that made you freeze in shock, before stalking past Sam and disappearing into the large, cabin-esque house.

Sam and you had merely stared at each other for a few moments, you awkwardly trying to decide how to proceed, and you could see him studying you curiously. "So, how long have you and Danny known each other?" he finally asked, picking up the discarded bags and gesturing for you to follow behind him.

The way he asked had been casual, his tone light, but you could sense that it was more than just small talk. This was the start of the interrogation you were sure to receive throughout your entire stay, and you had to mentally prepare yourself to always be ready. His friends were surely going to scope you out as best as they could, sniffing around you for red flags in an attempt to protect two of their good friends.

You weren't fooled into thinking that it was all about Danny, you knew it was also about Holland.

"We met a little over six months ago," you revealed, "I'd just moved into the building and we bumped into each other in the hallway. We're neighbors, actually."

Sam hummed, stopping suddenly to pull open a door just past the kitchen that revealed a narrow flight of stairs heading downward. "When did you guys start dating?" he asked next, flicking the lights on with a switch just inside the door and quickly making his way down them.

This was something you and Danny had discussed, thankfully. Together, the two of you had laid out some strategic groundwork for your backstory so as to avoid potential conflict between yourselves and everyone else. You followed him closely, being diligent to not trip as you replied, "Only about two weeks. I invited him over for dinner one night, and it just kinda happened."

The basement was one large open room, split up into little sections with two doors on the farthest wall from the stairs. In the open space there was a bar, fully stocked you noticed, and a scattering of various games. There was a pool table, a few dartboards on the walls, a ping-pong table, and even a foosball table. Beside the rickety staircase were a few leather couches around a wall-mounted television, and a glance at the ceiling revealed a pull-down screen for projectors.

"You know he just got out of a really long relationship, right?" Sam inquired, and you weren't sure if his tone implied judgement or concern, "And that his ex-girlfriend is staying here too?"

He opened the door on the left, revealing a small bedroom with a queen sized bed and a lone armchair tucked into the corner. There was an opened closet, a smattering of empty hangers within it, and a dresser pressed up to the wall beneath an ornate mirror. The walls were done up in wood-panelling, and the carpet was a soft beige in an attempt to light up the dark room considering there was only one small window right above the bed.

Sam flicked on the lamp on the bedside table, washing the room in a warm glow of light. For a moment you wondered why this had been the room Daniel asked for, but then you realized it was probably the one he'd always stayed in. It was private, far from all the others, and that way none of his friends would hear his ex's cries in the night like you had suffered through for months.

Now it was a security measure to avoid them hearing the utter lack of noises from you at night.

"Yeah, I do." you told him, gently placing your bag on the bed and retrieving Danny's from him to do the same. "He told me, and I said I was okay with staying back if it would be uncomfortable. I didn't want to intrude."

Finally, your answer seemed to satisfy him. He gave you a genuine smile, and patted your shoulder as he said, "I don't think you have to worry about any drama. We were all friends before anyone started dating, and Danny's usually a pretty good judge of character. If he likes you enough to bring you around then you should fit right in."

You smiled back, albeit a little more awkwardly than he had, and you were genuine as you breathed, "He's a really good guy. I've never met anyone like him, and I trust that his friends are as great as he is."

Sam left you with another smile, clicking the door shut behind him softly, and you listened to his feet ascend the creaky stairs before you flopped onto the bed with a harsh exhale. You'd survived the first round of interrogation, but there were at least two more to go. You hadn't met Josh or Jake, Sam's older brothers, yet. All you could hope was that they'd be a little more easy-going, considering Sam was the one you knew to be closest to Danny.

Of course, you could never be so lucky.

After only a few minutes of lying on the bed, trying to psych yourself up to head back out into the house, Daniel himself strolled in and he fell on top of you with a groan. "I just had to hold two grown men apart with my hands on their heads like I was splitting up two toddlers in a fist fight. I don't know why they both like that damn loft so much, but shit, when I got up there Jake had Josh in a headlock." he vented, and you snorted at the imagery of him holding them apart.

At least your snort made him laugh, a little chuckle escaping him as he looked at you in amusement. "Well, I just got covertly interrogated by Sam, so I think we're both justified in being a little exhausted." you informed him, and he shook his head with a fond smile.

"Sorry," he apologized, "I think he's just being over-protective right now because I was so upset about the breakup. Plus, I did kind of make him think I moved on really fast so they're all probably curious about it."

You just shrugged, giggling when his head on your stomach rocked at the movement, and sighed, "It's fine. I should have expected it, really. It's kind of sweet that they're so protective of you."

Danny's hand slid across the bed until he found yours, squeezing it softly before releasing it as he mumbled, "Thank you for doing this. Seriously, I owe you one--they'd never let me live it down if they knew I lied."

Ignoring the way it hurt to say it, you patted his hand sweetly and waved him away, "That's just what friends do, Danny. They help each other out, and I don't expect anything in return. I'm happy just knowing I'm making your life a little easier."

You had to admit, though, that by the time dinner came and went you weren't entirely sure you were making his life any easier by being there. The whole meal had been tense, the lack of conversation suffocating and stifling, and it was all your fault. Holland had arrived shortly before, sans boyfriend, and ever since it had felt like you were the odd man out in a weird sort of game.

Josh and Jake had been pretty friendly with you, asking you all sorts of questions about yourself and genuinely trying to get to know you. You'd been relieved by the kindness, still weary of Sam and his opinion of you, and you'd leaned into their conversation eagerly. Danny had shot you a grin when they'd turned their backs for a moment, raising a discreet thumbs up that let you know you were doing good.

You'd both kept the PDA minimal, only playing it up just enough to really drive home the idea that the two of you were in a new relationship, but then she'd arrived. She'd let herself in, calling out, "Boys, the party has arrived!" And a storm cloud had seemed to roll in, instantly.

She was alone, and you'd looked at Daniel in surprise only to find he was just as confused as you were. Sam, Jake, and Josh had all raced over to greet her with hugs and excited welcomes, and then Jake had asked the million dollar question, "Where's Lucas? I thought you were bringing him!"

Her face soured immediately, and she waved a hand as she grunted, "That's a sore subject. I'm not speaking with him right now--I thought Danny was coming, too?"

Danny grimaced, and your palms began to sweat as all the attention in the room was suddenly on the two of you who were still glued to the couch in shock. "Hey, Holland, uh--this is (Y/N), my girlfriend." he introduced, and you could see the recognition flash in her eyes.

You had waited with bated breath, wondering if she'd be upset to see him with someone else. Did she still love him? Did she miss him? Would she simply be pissed because it was you, his neighbor that he'd apparently told her all about while they were still together? Fuck, what if she assumed he'd cheated on her?

Why the hell hadn't you thought of any of this before you'd offered to play this weird little game?

Oh, right, because you were an idiot who only thought about the fact that you'd get to spend an entire weekend playing into the fantasy that he thought of you as more than a friend. She'd smiled, though you could see some strain in the motion, and greeted, "Hey! Good to see you."

It was casual enough, but as the night continued tensions only seemed to grow. Danny was running himself ragged trying to buffer it, offering you comfort with his constant presence though eventually you told him not to worry. This was his time with his friends, and if they were weary of including you then that was that--at the end of the day, you weren't really dating him, and you'd probably never see them again, so you sucked it up and dealt with it.

He'd lingered for awhile, before ultimately Sam called for his attention and he sent you a reassuring smile before following him out into the yard to start up a bonfire. You made yourself useful by cleaning up the table as everyone seemed to file out at that point, humming quietly to yourself as you scraped plates into the trash and dropped them into the sink after a good rinse. By the time you finished and made it outside, the fire was steadily growing and you could see Daniel supervising Sam who was working to chop apart a few more logs.

Holland was talking with Josh, and Jake was the lone person sitting by the fire. Considering your options, you chose to play it safe and sat down on the grass beside Jake who offered you a polite smile. "What took you so long?" he asked, raising his brows curiously and the fire casted shadows along his features that somehow made him look both ethereal and threatening at the same time.

"I just figured I'd clean up a bit," you shrugged, pulling your knees to your chest and dropping your chin onto them, "save some trouble for in the morning."

He nodded slowly. "I'm sorry if it's awkward." he finally spoke, and you could see the sympathy in his eyes as he added, "I promise we're not trying to ignore you, it's just that we've all known each other forever. It's pretty easy to get caught up in that."

You tried to smile back as genuinely as you could, hoping to mask just how uncomfortable the night had truly made you as you replied, "It's fine. I knew what I was getting into, and I just want Danny to be happy."

Your eyes drifted toward Danny as you spoke, meeting his gaze over the fire briefly as he threw a boisterous grin your way before laughing at something Sam did. It was true, you did just want him to be happy. Even if you had to suffer through the whole weekend, you'd be alright as long as he had a good time.

Jake must have followed your gaze, because when you turned your attention back to him he was smiling a little easier at you. "So, Sam said that you're his neighbor?" he questioned, and you nodded before he continued, "You must have met Holland then, right?"

"Yeah, we bumped into each other in the hallway once!" Holland's voice broke into the conversation, and you spooked a little. You hadn't seen her or Josh approach, but suddenly they were standing just beside Jake and you were trying to determine whether or not her little smile was genuine of not. "Remember?"

"Of course, I about shit my pants because you scared me so bad. I didn't expect anyone else to be in the hallway so early." you laughed, trying to be casual despite the way your heart was racing. She laughed too, and plopped down beside Jake with her head on his shoulder and let out a quiet sigh.

Danny suddenly sat down beside you, his arm brushing against your back as he propped it behind you to lean on. Sam was heading back toward the house, and Josh was still standing and throwing pebbles into the fire to hear them pop. You turned to acknowledge Daniel, but were surprised to find him already staring at you curiously, "You never told me that."

"Told you what?" you asked, though you had an idea as to what he meant.

He cocked his head to the side, glancing at his friends before he leaned closer to whisper, "That you met Holland. Why didn't you tell me that?"

For a moment, you considered retorting with the fact that he'd never told you about her at all, but you refrained. The last thing you needed was to expose something about his past relationship with Holland that might upset her, and you also weren't interested in appearing like a catty girlfriend. So, you shrugged for the thousandth time and whispered back, "It was like a ten second conversation, I guess it slipped my mind. It was months ago."

Danny just nodded, accepting your answer easily, and the two of you settled into a comfortable silence. You didn't say anything as he sat up and wrapped his arm around your shoulders, scooting so close to you that his body was pressed up against yours. He didn't say anything when you rested your head on his shoulders with a stifled yawn.

You could feel them all watching, though, and you wrapped your arm around Danny too when he began to squeeze your arm anxiously from all of the attention. He breathed a soft exhale at the contact, and you smiled when he relaxed slightly. His hand squeezed your arm one last time, thumb stroking slow circles over the sleeve of your shirt, and you finally began to relax too.

The two of you stayed like that for most of the night, wrapped up in each other and just listening to the chaos around you as Sam and Josh returned with multiple bottles and everyone began passing them around. Two shots of tequila helped you to loosen up, and as the hour grew later and the night a little colder, you all but curled into Danny's lap to keep warm.

He held you close, his legs falling outside your own with your back pressed to his chest and his arms wrapped around your middle. Sometimes he propped his chin on your shoulder, or your head, and the way his dark curls tickled your skin made you smile and squirm. Each time you wiggled he'd hug you tighter to him, and at one point he buried his face into your neck and began attacking your sides with his fingers until you were thrashing to get away.

You tried not to get upset when you found that his eyes had immediately drifted to Holland afterward. You were just friends, you had to remind yourself. He was still hurting, and getting over her, and Danny was just too nice to not care about what she thought. He was just making sure he wasn't making her uncomfortable.

That was what you told yourself, anyways.

Danny wouldn't have brought you here to make her jealous, right? You didn't think so. At least, you didn't think he'd do that without telling you. He was your friend, first and foremost, and friends would tell each other something like that... right?

As the night continued, you weren't so sure. Each time he showed you a bit of affection, his eyes would immediately find hers, and you were plagued by the little green monster you'd thought you had escaped. It was going to be one long ass weekend.

TAGLIST! @theweightofstardust @alltimekp @sing-against-the-sky @sammykiszkasunusedshoes @myownparadise96 @tripthelight-fanfic @imdepressedaf1996 @caravelstan @gvfvanfleet @vulture-withafile @godblessmarywanna @brokenbellz @gretavanfleas @streamsofstardust @celestialfauna @honor-gvf @jakekiszkasguitarpick @peterr-parkourr @localhideaway @anneanirac @chalametpwk @stardustdanny @trplshotofdopamine @blissfulbellss @wriwrites @stardustingold @fleetsonfire @pleasecallmemoth @ascendingtostardust @ohitselliana @carlybubs @joshyswife @guitarpedal if you would like to be tagged, send an ask!

[gildedmuse]

Hey, everyone.

So recently I've (predictably) very not well. Actually, whenever I don't post for long periods, just assume my body is trying to kill me. But I've gotten messages from three people asking if I. Okay, which is super sweet. I am actually trying to work on the next All Hearts, a really long ZoLaw post and two request fics, but mixing chronic kidney pain and capitalist society's mandate to work 40+ hours is not recommended.

But to prove I'm okay and still me, here is some Shanks antics with him being a total slut while Mihawk and Beckman just roll their eyes and go along with it. [Shout out to @jhaernyl who not only listens to me ramble about this stuff, but actively encourages it]. I also have many thoughts on the latest episodes and so many screenshots it's embarrassing. Hopefully, when I'm in less pain, I'll get around to actually posting those. Otherwise I just look like an insane person who literally takes by the second frame shots every time Zoro is on screen.

.... What is that? I look like that anyway? Fair.

Shanks Is A Bad Influence

It feels like Buggy and Shanks split up after Roger's death (the crew was told to, and they are the only ones who went to his execution) and I find it impossible to think Shanks didn't immediately set out and find a crew; like, pirating is the only thing this kid knows in life. This means two things:

He set out from East Blue. Also, he seemed at ease and familiar with the East so it's possible he spent like a year there getting everything together. Maybe he even played around in the other blues for a while before heading back to the Grand Line. I say this because his crew is from all over so either he found and recruited them in the Grand Line or visited various blues. Either way, I'm gonna say it took him about two years before getting a 'proper' start. In that case, he would have started out properly at the age of 17 and we know One Piece likes it's parallels.

That still puts Shanks at 17 to Benn Beckmen's 28. How the fuck did Shanks manage that? I'd call it grave robbing, but let's face it, the little tyke probably got up to some actual robbing of graves as well.

My point being everytime Shanks teases Mihawk about keeping this 19 year old kid on his personal island, mostly shirtless, Benn Beckmen just lifts an eyebrow.

Excuse me, captain, who had prefected the 'opps still don't have my sea legs' trip-and-fall into their first mates lap by the age of 17?

Shanks: Beckmen, you caught me! *Shamelessly nuzzles up* Thank goodness! I could be a devil's fruit user after all and - Ahh!

Benn: *Drops Shanks straight over the side of the ship into the water*

Shanks: *Sputtering* What what that!?

Benn: Checking to see if you had eaten a devil's fruit on us, Capatin.

Benn: You didn't.

Smart ass. But he can't resist Shanks forever. Shanks will wear him down eventually.

Next time Mihawk tracks him down for another match - because you know he gets bored way quicker than he'll ever admit and Shanks is at least amusing a challenge - Shanks makes a big deal out of how Mihawk follows him around, "accidentally" revealing they slept together, sighing about how it's so hard to resist him.

Benn Beckmen is just leaning against the side of the ship, sipping his booze.

Shanks: -and I can't stay for hours like last time!!

Mihawk: Are you quite done?

Shanks: *whispering* Does Benn look jealous?

Mihawk: He looks bored. Much like I am. Is this some strange attempt to get out of my challenge, Akagami?

Shanks: What? No, come on I told you I was game. But, hey, could you do me a favor? Maybe like try and kiss me or something? Like take a swing like your going to hit me but then stop shot and grab me by the waist instead.

Mihawk: .... Trickery is beneath you. Besides, you're absolute rubbish at it.

Shanks: Oh, come on, I would totally help you get laid if you asked!

Mihawk: .... *Sigh* I want a proper match afterwards.

Mihawk: *In a forced, monotone voice* After this I will take you to my lair and have my way with you, Akagami.

Mihawk: ... My lair? Really?

Shanks: *Holding up cue card with quickly scribbled line* What? That is how you talk.

Mihawk: I can't believe I wasted precious hours of light tracking you to this atrociously rural port.

Shanks: See? Now, read the next one.

Benn: Captain? If this is going to take all night, I am going to go join the rest of the men in the tavern.

Shanks: Huh? Wait! Benn! What if Miha really stabs me this time!?

Benn: *Salutes Shanks with his bottle* Sounds like that is his plan captain. Have a good 'challenge'.

Shanks: What? No... *Reaching out hand, like he might die if Benn leaves, looking completely devastated* Not even a little jealous...

Mihawk: You couldn't have thought that pantomime would actually work.

Shanks: Benny, don't leave me.... *Turns to Mihawk, immediately brightening* Oh, well, there's always tomorrow. Hey, Miha, guess whose free all night and horny as a pirate in the calm belt?

Mihawk: .... *Sigh* Very well.

Mihawk might as well get something for the trip he made. Although, he's reconsidering if the sex was actually worth the trouble after he ends up listening to Shanks worry half the night that Benn is shacking up with someone else (after a couple hours of rough and raw fucking, admittedly).

Is it the hat? He likes his captain's hat. Miha, you think his captain's hat is sexy, don't you?

Mihawk: It's utterly ridiculous.

Shanks: ....

Shanks: ....

Shanks: *Smile* Ahh, Miha, I knew you liked the hat!

Shanks: What do you old Northerns find sexy?

Mihawk: I am only four years older than you.

Mihawk: And silence.

Trying to convince Mihawk to go spy on Beckman for him. Shanks doesn't actually care if he does sleep with someone else, it's more that Beckman didn't immediately turn angry and jealous like Buggy would have that has him paranoid.

Mihawk is going to fuck this annoying red head again just to shut him up.

Mihawk: Maybe he doesn't like red haired boys who don't know when to be quiet?

The next morning Shanks is pacing among his poor crew that's gotten stuck listening to Shanks obsess about Beckman again. IS IT REALLY THE HAIR!?

It's not even a matter of Shanks's age (or obvious immaturity). I mean, Beckman got on board and stayed, didn't he? Beckman just enjoys watching Shanks try so hard to get his attention. Like Benn's attention isn't constantly on Shanks. He had to when his captain is always one step away from disaster.

He only left him with Mihawk because it was clear Dracule is not a real danger to Beckman's captain.

Except maybe insulting him to death. But Beckman is pretty sure Shanks can handle it. He's met Buggy. He's suspects Shanks LIKES it if anything.

It gets to the point where when they dock somewhere and see Mihawk waiting, or come back to the ship and spot his familiar silhouette, most of the crew goes off somewhere for another drink (sometimes the newer kids will stay to watch such an awesome fight, everyone else is like... Look, you'll have plenty of opportunities later. This is not a one off.)

Benn just takes a look around, nods to Mihawk (a silent signal for, "he's all yours, do with him as you please, if anything happens to him I will track you down and make sure your last few hours on this blue world are as painful as humanly possible") and heads off.

Oh, it's just the Hawk boy.

That's fine then.

Benn use to be a sailor on a trade ship between the North, East, West and Grand Line. He's seen it all.

They called him The Gun Slinger BEFORE he joined Shanks's crew and became a pirate.

So this young, broke ass kid from the streets of some near artic northern island trying to pass himself off as a Lower North rich type has a thing for his captain? Not really enough to keep Beckman up at night, no matter how good at swords he's supposed to be

Besides, he's pretty sure for the kid to keep tracking down Shanks, he must be bored out of his skull. He's not going to do anything to endanger their captain.

Not if Shanks is the only thing he can find to keep him entertained.

One day, Mihawk is going to be waiting on the dock when a bunch of Red Haired pirates are stumbling home, laughing and chattering amongst themselves (Shanks's crew always seems to be in a good mood). One of them will catch sight if Mihawk and walk by with a smile, patting him on the shoulder.

The captain's occupied. Seems likely he'll be 'occupied' for a good while, too.

Mihawk won't smile, but he will think "So you finally warmed him up to you, Akagami?" and snort lightly.

Poor Benn, though. Mihawk could never imagine being with someone so much younger than him. Shanks is only four years his junior and already it strains Mihawk to put up with his occasional moments of "youthful whimsy" (aka being an annoying, immature child)

"A young, cocky pirate with strangely colored bright hair"

Mihawk just putting that on his Not To Do List.

That lasted until Roronoa.

(Mihawk just looking at Zoro knowing this is bad news.)

Mihawk: *Takes list from Benn*

*Cross out, scribbles*

*Hands back to Benn*

Do Not Do:

- A young, cocky pirate with strangely colored bright hair a silly hat, who is overly dramatic and in any way, shape or form related to Gol D Rogers.

Ace: Hey what's up?

Mihawk: *Takes list from Benn*

Go ahead, Benn, laugh it up. Mihawk is aware he has a type. Young, pretty, and utterly insane.

After that night where Shanks was otherwise 'occupied', it's over six months before Mihawk sees his friend his rival again. He is, as expected, far too smug and proud looking.

Shanks: Oh, Miha, so sorry you came all this way, I'm-

Benn: Well, I'm off, captain.

Shanks: What!? But we, you, I... Benn, hessoeexyarentyouworriedforyourcaptain?

Benn: *patting Mihawk on the shoulder* Have fun with him. Don't forget to return him by noon tomorrow, we have a schedule. Oh, but if you can babysit him for at least four hours? That would be great.

Shanks: BABYSIT!?

Mihawk: I suppose I can be troubled to do so.

Shanks: TROUBLED!?

Benn: Thanks, Hawkeyes. I owe you.

Shanks: *Fake tears clinging to his lashes* You two are so mean!

No, don't feel bad for him. Shanks is just trying to guilt the two of them into bed at the same time, and they both know it.

Thanks no thanks, they're not into that. But Shanks can be pretty cute when he's trying so hard (Benn) and at least he's not as boring as everything else in this world (Mihawk) so they allow him to keep up the act

Shanks: *looking at Zoro's wanted poster over Mihawk's shoulder* But I feel like you'd gladly go to bed with him and his captain if he asked. That doesn't seem fair to me. You'd never go that far with me and Benn.

Mihawk: *Eyes Benn*

Mihawk: *DEAD. ONLY.*

Mihawk: I have my reasons.

They can and do agree on plenty of things, including reciprocally not being that attracted to each other.

Shanks: Sounds fake to me

Shanks: But guys!

Shanks: This isn't about you

He's gonna need you guys to drop the egos and focus on what HE wants. I.E., being in the middle of two sexy Northern men.

Honestly, so mean to poor Shanks!

[dannyisdone]

AgeRe Jan and Rem AU Scrap

I might return and finish this one day but right now writing for this story is such a bore and not at all cathartic. It was going to have vital background history about Janus but tbh I think I'd rather just skip all the setup and just write the trauma then the hurt comfort lol. So for now, this is a scrap.

Very little agere is actually in this tbh and it's unedited but still gonna post this bc it's over 2000 words and if I just delete all that I will feel not great lol. Enjoy!

+++

Patton huffed as he set down another box into the spare room, taking a second to catch his breath. When he had agreed to help Janus and Remus move into his and Logan’s house, he had kind of forgotten just how many times he would have to be carrying heavy objects up and down a flight of stairs. Not that he regretted agreeing to let them move in with him and his boyfriend, but perhaps in hindsight he should have considered hiring professional movers instead.

“This is the last box for my room, I think.” Remus said, walking in behind Patton and dropping his box onto the floor with little regard for what might have been inside. Patton nodded and took another deep breath, before looking around. There were only about five boxes in total. And excluding the bed that they still had to tear down and bring over from Remus’s now old apartment, and the single box that was sitting on the kitchen counter that contained the meager kitchenware Remus had, this was everything that Remus owned. All of his worldly possessions fit in six boxes…

“Maybe we could go to the store and get you some more furniture for your room this week.” Patton said, looking around. Logan had had a desk at his parents house that he brought over to put into Remus’s room, but that was it. There were no drawers or cabinets yet, since the apartment he had been living in owned the ones he had been using, so Patton wasn’t even sure where they were going to put the few things Remus owned in the first place.

“Maybe.” Remus said, non committedly, before hurrying out of the bedroom. Patton followed after him, a bit lazily, since he was still trying to catch his breath, but there wasn’t much left to unpack. Everything Janus and Remus owned had managed to be transported in one single car drive.

When Patton made it down, Logan and Janus were carrying in the last of Janus’s stuff. Janus had come with even less than Remus, considering it had only been a few months since he'd moved out of his foster home and he didn't have a job. Most of the things he had were clothes, and anything else he'd accumulated was mostly gifts from Remus, Logan, or Patton.

"Are you sure you want to give up your guest bedroom? I don't mind sharing a room with Remus again." Janus asked, not for the first time, and Patton didn't suspect it would be the last time either. While Remus’s room was pretty empty, it had originally just been a room where Logan stored his things, Janus’s room was already decorated and fully furnished. It had been Logan’s guest room where his siblings tended to stay if the ever came over. Remus had eagerly pushed the room on Janus.

"I hate the colors, and the bed is too big, I wouldn't know what to do with all that." Remus had claimed. Patton rather suspected he was just trying to take care of his friend.

"I am perfectly fine giving you the guest room, Janus." Logan said as he started towards the stairs, and Patton nodded in agreement.

"Right, but--" Janus was about to try another excuse to get out of the preferred bedroom, but Remus jumped in. Literally, he jumped in front of Janus and placed his hand over his friend's mouth.

"Nah nah nah, shut up. You're getting that room, no exceptions! I'll physically fight you." Remus teased with a smile. Patton chuckled when Janus rolled his eye, but he didn't offer anymore reasons why he shouldn't have the room, so hopefully that would be the end of that discussion.

Janus continued up the stairs, quickly being followed by Remus, who was asking him all sorts of questions like what he was going to unpack first and if he would want any help. Patton chuckled fondly at his friends, before looking back in the kitchen. He figured he'd might as well make sole snacks and drinks for everyone, since they'd had such a busy day. Plus it would be a good excuse to not have to help with unpacking for a fee more minutes.

He busied himself by washing some grapes in the sink and then placing them in bowls. He knew the boys weren't regressed currently, and he definitely didn't need to do it for his boyfriend, but he liked taking care of everyone when he could. He also pulled put a pitcher and started the process of making lemonade, when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

"You okay?" Logan's voice entered the room, before Patton felt arms wrap around his waist. He smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, just making something for you guys to snack on before dinner." Patton explained.

"How thoughtful of you." Logan said before pressing a kissing to Patton’s head then pulling away. Patton chuckled and continued stirring his spoon. Through the lemonade.

"How is unpacking going?" Patton asked. Logan was making his way over to the fridge, pulling out his water bottle.

"Remus and Janus decided they wanted to unpack Janus’s stuff first. I offered to help but they told me they could handle it." Logan explained, sitting down at the table. Patton hummed in acknowledgment, taking the spoon our and placing it in the sink.

"I was thinking about maybe going to the store on Thursday to buy some decorations and stuff for their rooms? Do you know if Remus is off that day?" Pattom asked, pouring himself a glass of lemonade and setting it on the counter, before rummaging around through one of the bottom cabinets to look for a tray.

"I'm not sure, he hasn't asked to tag along with me to campus." Logan commented while he scrolled on his phone. "If you're going to pick things up though, consider buying some new bed clothes for Remus’s bed." Logan said.

"Sure, not a problem!" Patton said as he placed two glasses on the tray he'd found, as well as the pitcher and two bowls of grapes. He grabbed one more glass and poured the drink into it, walking over to his boyfriend and setting it in front of him with a quick kiss to the cheek.

"This is going to be fun, huh?" Patton asked with a sparkle in his eye. He'd always envisioned one day having a big house so all his friends could live with him, and this was a pretty good realization of that. Plus, the addition of Remus means less rent and bills, and Patton’s friends would always be within a hugs reach of him. And, it meant that he could be there for his little one’s more often whenever they may need it, instead of having to wait until one of them arrived at their old apartment.

“It’s certainly going to be interesting.” Logan said with a fond smile. When Patton looked down at his phone, he saw that he was scrolling through a toy store’s catalogue, looking at stuffed animals. Patton smiled and kissed his boyfriend once more. He was always such a softie, even if he didn’t let it on too much.

“I’m going to take this upstairs for them, and then maybe we can make a list of items we’ll need.” Patton said, and Logan merely hummed in agreement, too focused on reading the description of a stuffed dinosaur he was looking it. Patton chuckled, before walking back over to the counter, picking up the tray, and heading upstairs.

Patton would have to return to work tomorrow, the only reason he had been given the day off that day was because he had requested it weeks in advance. But Thursday would be his next day off, and he was more than excited to take the two shopping. They didn’t have a lot of money on their own, and frankly Patton didn’t either. But that’s what thrift stores and discount shops were for. But he would like his friends to feel at home. It was their home! And Patton was ready to start this new leg of their journey with them.

As he approached the door to Janus’s new room, he could hear the two speaking, though it was quite hushed, so he wasn’t able to make out any words, until he was standing right outside of the door.

“They don’t have to know, I promise. We kept it a secret from Hathwitch, we can do it here too.” He heard Remus say, and Patton fround just a tiny bit, but decided not to linger on it too much. They were allowed to have their secrets, of course. It was their house now too, Patton didn’t need to know everything that happened behind closed doors. So, he decided to let Remus’s words roll of his shoulder, and he knocked on the door.

“Kiddos! I have some snacks for you, also some lemonade, you guys should probably drink something.” Patton called out. A few seconds later, Remus threw open the door.

“You didn’t have to do all that!” Remus said, taking the tray from Patton. He peered into the room to see where Janus was. He was sitting on the already made bed, pulling some of his clothes out of a suitcase. He didn’t look up at all.

“Well, I figured it would be a while before dinner, and you guys didn’t want to stop for lunch, so I wanted to make sure you had something. Also, it’s important to hydrate after working hard all day.” Patton said cheerfully, though his eyes kept flitting to look at Janus, an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach.

“Thanks, we’ll make sure to do that.” Remus said, setting the tray down on a cabinet.

“We should probably finish unpacking.” Janus suddenly said, catching Remus off guard a bit, who was plopping a grape in his mouth. He swallowed, before looking back at Patton sheepishly.

“We’ll text you if we need any help. Oh! Or we can just yell really loudly, now that we’re in the same house.” He teased with a grin, and Patton just chuckled and nodded. He gave one final worried glace to Janus, before waving.

“Alright, don’t hesitate to ask for help if you need it.” He said before heading back down the stairs. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, but hopefully, whatever it was, they would either be abel to resolve it on their own, or come to Patton or Logan when they were ready.

+++

It only took a few days for the two to be completely unpacked and settled into the house, and Patton was loving building a new routine with them! He got to see them in the mornings, usually just waking up as he went off to work, and someone was almost always hom when he came back that evening, usually Janus, since he didn’t have a job. They would often make dinner together, and they would all either eat at the dining table, or in the living room watching a movie or TV on more casual nights. That's where he found himself now, snuggled up into Logan on one side, and a super sleepy little Janus on his other.

It was the first time that the boys had regressed since moving in, or at least, it was the first time they had around Patton and Logan. Janus had apparently regressed sometime while everyone was away, and Patton had found him watching cartoons in the living room. Then, when Remus got home, he was quick to follow behind.

“Daddy, did you, um, do you know that actor, Daddy?” Remus asked, pulling on Logan’s pant legs and pointing at the screen. He was sitting on the flood, leaning against Logan’s leg. Logan glanced up from his phone at the screen, before looking over at Patton. Patton chuckled. Logan was gifted at many things, pop culture trivia was not one of them.

“That’s Logan Lerman.” Patton said, and Remus nodded happily. He was just going to go back to paying attention to the film, when he felt Janus shift. Patton looked over and saw that Janus was sucking his thumb, eyes closed and obviously sleeping or very nearly there. Patton couldn't help himself from cooing and tapping Logan’s arm, gesturing over towards Janus.

"Look at the sleepy baby." Patton crooned. Logan looked over, and a small smile fell on his face, before he settled back into the couch, cuddling a bit closer to his boyfriend.

Remus looked over as well, and saw Janus sleeping. He looked back at the tv for a second, before standing up.

"I think I'm ready for bed." Remus said with a big, exaggerated yawn. He didn't sound all that regressed anymore either. "I can take Jan up to bed with me." He suggested, already making his way over to him, arms held out.

"I can take him up, you don't have to." Patton offered. He didn't mind Janus sleeping on him. But Remus insisted, eventually bending down and picking Janus up, much to the regressors annoyance.

"It's all good. See ya in the morning!" Remus cheered, before turning his head and whispering something in Janus’s ears. Whatever he said, it did seem to make him a bit more alert. Janus wiggled a bit until he was set down. He looked back at Patton and Logan and offered a small wave, before taking Remus’s hand and walking upstairs with him. Patton watched them go, a little disappointed, though he wasn’t sure why. He tried to refocus his attention on the movie, but was thoroughly distracted by the look that had been on Janus’s face.

“Did Janus look upset?” Patton suddenly asked, without regard for the television. Logan looked up from his phone, before looking up the stairs where the boys had disappeared to.

“I’m not sure. Why would he?” Logan asked. Patton knew Logan was reading student comment’s and was thoroughly distracted, so he probably would have missed it. Or maybe Patton was just being overly worried.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m mistaken.” Patton said.

“We can keep a close eye on him in the morning. Are you still taking them to the store tomorrow?” Logan asked. Patton nodded, a smile finally replacing his worried frown.

“I am, I am so excited.” Patton said happily, and decided to just focus on that. If he noticed something wrong with Janus tomorrow, he could say something then. For at least that night, Patton woudln’t worry about it. So he cuddled up closer to Logan, who wrapped his arm around him, and turned his attention back to the movie,.

+++

“You ready to go, Jay?”

Patton was standing by the front door, patting his pockets as he did his last minute double checks. He had his wallet, his keys, and the list of items Remus had written down he wanted for his room. Originally, it was supposed to be all of them going shopping, but Logan ended up being invited to a meeting on campus, and Remus had been called in a few hours prior asking if he could cover a shift at the cafe. Which left Patton and Janus to do all the shopping, not that Patton minded. It meant someone one on one time with him, which Patton was excited for.

"Mhm." Janus said, adjusting the patch over his eye, before sticking his hands in his hoodie pockets. Patton smiled, trying hard not to take Janus’s lack of enthusiasm to heart.

[ghostbustermelanieking]

i'd like to hear some headcanons for your "georgie can see dead people" au! :0

oh thank you so much!! this is probably going to be a little messy, since i haven't actually started the fic, but!! here is something!! :) (also i am so sorry for all the sixth sense references. the actual fic will undoubtedly be worse.)

1. So the basic premise of this AU is that the end result of Georgie's encounter with the End is that, instead of losing her ability to feel fear, she gains the ability to see the dead. Everything goes the same otherwise: the protest, Alex, the dead woman, Georgie waking up days later at home, the months of strangeness and unfeeling. The difference is that when Georgie wakes up, she can see the dead woman, too. Never too close—only in corners, behind doors, in the window. And never always, but only in the moments that feel crucial. The moments where she's searching for something of herself. Her mother hugs her and she sees the dead woman over her mother's shoulder. 

Georgie sees Alex, too, sometimes. Closer and more head on; she is always looking back. But she never speaks, and neither does the dead woman from the room. It isn't until she begins to see other ghosts that she realizes they can talk, if they want to. If they choose. 

(Six months later is when Georgie figures out how to lock the dead woman out. She stops seeing Alex shortly after, except on occasion. Sometimes she'll see a flash of those familiar eyes in the mirror, over her shoulder, and they always seem to be apologetic. But Alex still never says anything. Georgie gets good at pretending that this doesn't hurt nearly as much as losing her.)

2. Jon is the first one that Georgie almost tells. Almost. They're honest with each other in a way that Georgie usually isn't, when they first meet, and she almost thinks he'd believe her. They talk about ghost stories all the time. 

She mostly thinks about it when she sees Jon's ghosts. It isn't often but she sees them. He'll talk about what little he remembers of his parents, or pull out some old, faded pictures, and she'll see the faces reflected in the kitchen, the bathroom mirror, Jon's bedroom. He never talks about the apparition of a strange teenager that appears, once, when they both wake up sweaty from frantic nightmares and he refuses to explain, and Georgie doesn't press. He doesn't tell her about Mr. Spider and she doesn't tell him about the ghosts. Much as they love each other, they do still have secrets. 

Georgie goes to his grandmother's funeral years later, even though they're barely talking at this point, and almost tells him then. Seeing him stand mostly alone at the grave, looking monumentally alone, and then a flicker of his grandmother behind him—she almost does. But still she doesn't. She's never told anyone before, and she and Jon aren't really in touch, so she just hugs him and tells him she's so sorry, and doesn't meet the eyes of the woman watching behind the fresh grave. 

3. Melanie is another person Georgie almost tells. They still meet through their connections—Ghost Hunt UK, What the Ghost, and Georgie's power is (probably unsurprisingly) very useful for the paranormal podcast business. (All her episodes aren't pulled from real life, from her own experiences—that would be irresponsible, and there's more clout in retelling familiar stories. But sometimes when Georgie runs out of episode ideas, she'll visit a spooky place, write down what she sees, do a deep dive on the history, and fill in the gaps by attributing her sightings to "unnamed" witnesses.) She's met a lot of people in the ghost hunting business, but Melanie stands out, because they hit it off so immediately. Start hanging out outside of work drinks, at parties or pubs or research stints. Melanie starts inviting Georgie to consult on the show, or to collaborate, and Georgie uses what she sees to point Melanie and her team towards real sightings. Why not? Might as well have the horrible power be useful for something. Haley Joel Osment solved his problem by helping people, and this isn't the same at all (and that's a movie, anyways), but it is something. 

So she and Melanie become fast friends, faster than Georgie is used to, and Georgie genuinely thinks about telling her. She trusts her, and she doesn't think Melanie would laugh, or call her a liar. (Melanie's got stories about not being believed, too; it's common in the paranormal business.) She thinks Melanie might be the right person, maybe. Just maybe. 

(She doesn't end up doing it. She's still a coward when it comes to that. But it isn't because she isn't tempted.)

(The idea to tell Melanie comes before she starts seeing Melanie's father. But that fact doesn't help her decision, either. In quiet moments with Melanie, Georgie starts seeing the man in Melanie's framed photos in the shadows, looking at Melanie with sad eyes, calling her little moth. But Melanie can still barely talk about her dad, and the accident, and it feels even more wrong after he starts showing up, to tell her. Georgie worries Melanie might think she's making fun, or making something up to make her feel better, and she doesn't see this going well.

Instead she says, sometimes, I know your dad loved you a lot. Melanie says, Yeah, I know, too. Georgie says, And I bet he misses you, even though it isn't a bet; she knows. But she can't tell Melanie, and that's as far as it can go.) 

4. The most significant time Georgie wants to tell Melanie, but doesn't, is the one she'll end up regretting the most in the end. When Melanie gets out of the hospital, first, and then when she comes back from India; when Georgie is basically the only friend Melanie has left from her old life, and therefore is probably the person Melanie goes to the most. The person Melanie confides in. 

So Georgie is there to see it all. She'll be sitting across from Melanie in a pub, or beside her on the couch; she'll brush Melanie's hand with hers, or their knees will knock together, and Georgie will see flashes of blood, violence. Hear screaming. She'll see haunted faces out of the corner of her eyes: soldiers, doctors. Muzzles of guns. Once, a stained hand gripping Melanie around the leg. 

She'll regret it, later, but Georgie doesn't say anything; she doesn't know what to say. She's never seen anything like this, even with over a decade of seeing ghosts. How is she supposed to explain it? She doesn't really know what it means. Melanie talks about war ghosts, and Georgie listens, and she rationalizes that Melanie will have to be okay. (She was okay, when it was her, and if—if this is something serious, something worse, than… then Georgie will be there. Melanie will have someone who understands.) 

5. One night in February of 2018, Jon shows up back in Georgie's life, looking shell-shocked on her doorstep. He stands in the hall looking mildly terrified, when Georgie opens the door, and behind him stands a dead woman, looking desperate and furious all at once. 

"Georgie," Jon says weakly. "I-I know it's been a while, but…" 

"Jon! Christ, what happened to you? Are you all right?" Georgie says, trying to take in Jon and the dead woman all at once. (She is new—Jon must have had someone else close to him die.) She focuses on Jon, puts a hand on his shoulder. "Are you hurt?"

"I… I'm fine." Jon's hands twist in front of him. "I… didn't know where else to go."

Georgie swallows hard and says, "Are you in trouble?" The dead woman is looking right at her. Georgie keeps looking at Jon. 

"I… yes." Jon chews on his lower lip. "If… I know it's a lot to ask, b-but I… could I… possibly stay here for a little while?"

Georgie swallows hard. She has a dozen questions—what's happened, why he needs somewhere to stay, why he looks like this—he looks like he's been through emotional turmoil, through hell—and worse, why a dead woman has followed him here. But she doesn't know how to ask these questions. And she can't just turn him away. Jon helped her heal during one of the worst periods of her life, even if he doesn't know it. And she can do the same. 

"Yeah," Georgie says, and leans forward to pull Jon into a hug—tentative at first, and then stronger, when Jon latches on like he needs it. "Y-yeah, Jon, of course."

Jon rambles out a frantic thank you, layered in with apologies and copious promises to pay rent, but it becomes harder to listen. Right over Jon's shoulder, the dead woman is staring right at her, her mouth hanging open. She's got long hair and glasses, and she looks exhausted, and it isn't immediately obvious how she has died, which is unusual. And she's looking right at Georgie. She says, suddenly, "Can you—can you see me?"

It isn't the first time a ghost has spoken to her, but it's a rare enough occasion to be shocking. Her throat is thick with surprise, and she can't say anything in front of Jon, so she just sort of imperceptibly nods. Holds the dead woman's gaze for a moment. 

"Fuck," says the dead woman. "Thank—thank god, thank Christ, I…" She pauses and looks at Jon, then back at Georgie, still numbly hugging Jon there in the hall. "My name is Sasha," she says, and Georgie thinks of the scene in The Sixth Sense where the sick little girl under the blanket asks for help. "Can you… can you help me?"

(send me an au and i'll give you 5+ headcanons)

[ilove-cedricdiggory]

'M not going anywhere.

Remus x Reader

Requested? - It's part 3!

Summary - After leaving Remus, you found yourself with family in the horribly hot state of Texas. What can come of you now? With friends with worries the size of the state and a heart almost as broken as they come, what on earth can you do with yourself with the man shows up - only, in his werewolf state?

Trigger Warning - cursing, mentions of abortion

Guide - (y/m/n) - Your middle name

This one has a lot of backstory in it, fair warning! It's not super action filled, but the next chapter will be up soon!

When you met Remus, you were in school with him. You had known all about the infamous Maurauders and their love for trouble, but didn't really see much of them. Well, you thought you hadn't. You had seen each of them separately, James was in potions with you, Sirius had been in Care of Magical Creatures with you, Peter in Transfiguration, but Remus, well, you didn't think you had him in anything until 4th year. Separately, you thought they were all good people, kind to you in classes, funny when the lesson was droning on, and calm enough to let you get your notes finished within reasonable time.

By fourth year, you had gotten used to each of the three boys separately. When you met Remus in Charms, hanging out with him as a Prefect while walking through the hallways, then outside of your duties together and with the rest of your friends, it came as a surprise at how different he acted with the three boys.

He was always so incredibly kind, so beautiful with his words to you, so when your feelings for him grew substantially, it didn't seem to surprise you. But, when he actually asked you out in fifth year, with the major confirmation of his friends that, yes, Moony, she's crazy for you! Everyone besides you can see it! Just ask her!, You found yourself speechless.

The Remus Lupin liked you back, and was asking you to your own date this Saturday. Then another one in the Astronomy tower on Tuesday night while everyone else was at dinner. Then Friday at the quidditch game, he asked if you'd sit next to him during the game where he actually held your hand.

Date after date after date had you grinning from ear to ear when he finally asked you to be his girlfriend. Kiss after kiss after kiss had you falling in love with him a little bit more each time you pulled apart and opened your eyes just a second before he did, seeing his face in pure bliss.

When you both finally did admit your love for each other was the day you admitted you had known about Moony long before he told you - which had been on your fourth date on the quidditch pitch, laying on a blanket under the stars.

"I love the stars. Something so far away can still shine that bright." You mumbled, cuddling closer to his warm frame. He was always so warm.

"I don't care much for the night." He admitted, his voice a mumble.

"Remus John Lupin, why on earth do you not like the night? It's so peaceful and breathtaking. The night gives you unlimited possibilities." You had now turned to your side, your elbow propping your head up as you tangled your legs with his.

"You wanna know the truth?" he asked you, which had honestly surprised you. Of course you wanted to know the truth. "Well, why would I want you to lie to me, Rem? Especially about something that you don't care for." Your right hand lifted to run through his hair, fluffing it and leaving it sticking up slightly.

"I don't like the moon." You nodded, showing you were listening to him. "It controls me." He whispered, closing his eyes.

"How does the moon control you?" You knew the answer to your own question, having put two and two together in your fourth year, the night he had swapped prefect duties with the Ravenclaw boy he was just telling you he didn't trust the week before. When you had arrived back in your room, feeling a little hurt at his actions, you looked out your window to see the full moon shining down on the earth, it's glow filling up a bit of the forbidden forest enough for you to see a few creatures running along the sides. A stag, a dog, and a rat? Then you heard it, the long howl filling the quiet. Somehow, you're not sure exactly how, but it all clicked in you faster than you could have blinked.

Prongs - A stag. Padfoot - A dog. Wormtail - A rat. And most importantly, Moony - A werewolf.

You didn't ever bring it up, but with each month, pieces fell right into place. Now, you laid with the man himself, holding his deepest secret in your heart without him even knowing you held it.

"Y/n, as much as I wish I didn't have to tell you this, if I want our relationship to get anywhere, I know I have to." He sighed, his eyes staying closed, refusing to see your reaction. "I'm a werewolf." You let out a fake gasp, your hand leaving his hair to trace one of the scars on his forehead.

"I- I'm sorry." You whispered, your eyes staying on his. "You're sorry you don't wanna date me anymore?" He quizzed you, finally opening his eyes to face you. This caused you to let out a small chuckle, shaking your head. "Rem, why on earth would I not wanna date you anymore?" Your hand moved back to his hair, your nails scratching softly at his scalp. "I could hurt you, y/n." He spoke, his voice soft and full of fear.

"Remus, you've known me for a year now. You could have hurt me any other full moon, what would us dating change? It's not like I'm going to follow you out into the woods when you shift. It's not like I'm going to go out searching for you when you are out in your wolf form. It means I'd get to kiss each wound when you come back. It means I'd get to hold you in my arms and read to you every once in a while. It means I'd get to go on cute dates and make you bake with me in the kitchens. You being a wolf doesn't change anything." You shrugged nonchalantly, smiling up at him.

That night, Remus kissed you. He kissed you almost a thousand times. He kissed you so much that, when you woke up the next morning, your lips were still swollen.

After you and Remus had really been a couple for a while, you had realized how much he loved to sniff you. You didn't know if it was the Remus in him, or the Moony in him, but it didn't really bother you. You loved smelling him, why would it be so weird if he smelled you? If you were cuddling, his nose would burry in your hair, or your neck, or your chest, and he'd slowly inhale your scent to calm himself down.

If you were walking down the hallways, he bring your intertwined hands to lay a soft kiss on it before inhaling your scent, kissing it once more, then bringing them back down to sway as you walked.

If he had a horrible day, a bad full moon, or just felt off, he'd search the entire grounds until he found you, look your right in your eyes as he walked right to you, grab you by your waist, and pull you into him to hug you as tightly as he could, inhaling your intoxicating scent for himself.

This had caused you to start leaving a piece of your clothing in the bag they took with them when he turned, so he'd have something with him he could smell that reminded him of you. You were never sure if it helped or not, you never asked him and he never brought it up, but it gave you a sense of comfort each full moon.

But now, standing in front of the wolf himself, watching as his snout lifted into the air and took a deep inhale, well, it didn't exactly comfort you.

Which is why, with your eyes set on him, you reached down and into your boot, gripping onto the end of your wand, before pulling up and sending out two purple balls of light, each of them shooting into both of the houses around you.

This hadn't fazed him, for his eyes were still set on you, as he took a step closer. Before you had time to react, a dog had shot infront of you, growling at the creature before you. Right as he stepped, Moony bent down and growled at Sirius, but his a tone deeper and dripping with a warning.

It must have surprised Sirius, for he whimpered and stepped backwards, closer to your frame, which didn't help his case for Moony then snapped at him, stepping closer to him.

"Sirius, get behind Y/n." Your grandfather had stepped out his face door in a rush, his eyes taking in the scene before him. "Sirius, get behind Y/n and get into the house." Sirius whined at the older man, not wanting to leave you alone.

"Lily is in labor." You called to the man, watching him nod. "Sirius, if you run six blocks east, there is a small cottage. It's blue with white shutters on the left side. That's the healer closest to us. She'll come." This got Sirius to move, quickly rushing out of the gated yards.

"Now, y/n, he's not going to hurt you. I've only ever seen this once, but he recognizes your scent and the scent of your kids. It's kinda like he's sensing a mate with you because of your kids. Just stay calm. I'm surprised he hasn't already tackled you to the ground. Just, slowly sit down and let him come to you."

The last thing you expected of this night was the situation at hand, but now, you were sitting on the cold rocks, slightly shivering, your best friend in labor in the house behind you, watching your financé (?) slowly walk towards you, almost like Moony was afraid to frighten you.

He leaned down on all fours before he lowered his head into your lap, inhaling your scent deeply before letting it rest fully on your legs. His nose rested right at your belly bump, rubbing it slightly on your clothed stomach before letting out a sigh of relief.

You looked up at your grandfather, seeing him watching you intently. "Don't move, not that he'll let you. I will bring out a few pillows and a blanket for you. I'll make sure the healer helps Lily." You nodded, your eyes now moving to look down at Moony.

You hadn't ever seen him in his wolf state, but he somehow still looked handsome. His eyes were now closed, his body relaxed as he soaked in your scent.

"What do you mean, you're not joining the Order?" Remus yelled at you, his face red with fury. There were very few times Remus was this angry with you, usually when you had been neglecting yourself of necessities. But, this time, he was raging in fury with your absolute denial to join the war.

"Remus, I'm just saying I'm not going to go out and fight! Molly doesn't! I'm going to stay back and help where I'm needed. There are tons of you going to fight, I'm staying back to take care of everyone that doesn't go on the missions! What do you want from me?! I wasn't good at defensive spells, I wasn't good at duels! Do you want me to go out there and fucking die?" This caused him to quiet down, your fury having grown substantially.

The two of you sat in silence for a few moments, allowing you both to calm down. "I don't want you to die. I would kill myself if you ended up dying on one of the missions." Remus' voice was soft and full of fear now. "Then why do you want me to go out there and fight, Rem? You are the one that saw me up past midnight trying to learn the defensive spells so often. You're the one I made duel with me night after night to try to improve. You of all people know that I couldn't properly protect myself or anyone else if I went."

He nodded, hating to admit that you were right. He had even told you, seventh year, "Baby, I love you, but you're definitely not getting your excellent mark on this. You'll pass, but barely." You had been much more skilled in potions and herbology, not in the defensive skills.

"I just, I can't stand the idea of you being back home if the order gets attacked. I know that's stupid, I know that's irrational, it's much more dangerous to actually be out there, I'm just scared." It hurt your heart to hear him admit how scared he was, but, you all were scared. You were growing up in a war that shouldn't be yours to fight.

"Remus, while I stink at my defensive skills, have you seen Molly Weasley? The woman survives on defensive skills, all her kids figuring out how to moderately work their magic. I think I'm safer with her than with you." This caused him to break into a small smile, but wrap you up tightly in his arms. "You're not safer with anyone else but me. I'd murder Voldemort himself before he touched you." You gasped at the use of his name, turning to eye the love of your life. "You said his name." You whispered, your eyes wide. "Well, I'd use his name to his face if it kept you out of harm's way."

You had dozed off a bit, your head laying back on the pillow Sirius had brought you, having gawked at the wolf fast asleep in your hold. "We always knew your scent calmed him, it always did when you gave him some of your clothes, but this? I'd never thought I'd live to see the day Moony didn't try to attack whoever was in front of him."

You had only been awoken by James, tapping on your shoulder. You jerked awake, seeing Moony still asleep in your hold. "Lily had the baby, a girl. They're both up in our room, but she wanted me to come tell you and check up on you." He eyed Moony warily, fear still evident in his body, worried the wolf would awake and tear you to shreds. "I'm so glad. Did everything go okay?" Your voice was a whisper, not wanting to wake the wolf either.

"Yeah, the healer said she did great. Hardly needed the help." James sat down beside you, but scooted a foot away from you when Moony growled in his sleep, the foreign scent mixing with yours. "It's weird, seeing him like this. All the nights we were out there with him, trying to keep him from tearing into Hogwarts and keep him away from you when it's apparently all he needed." James shook his head, attempting to remove the shock from his head.

"I don't think he needs me anymore." You whispered. While it hurt you to say, you honestly believed it. The man let you leave without a sliver of doubt. He watched you walk out of the home you built together, taking his kids with you.

"Y/n, he searched the world until he found you, of course he needs you." James didn't say anything about you needing to forgive him, about you needing to hear him out, because he didn't think Remus deserved that. He just knew that Remus did need you. "He should be shifting back soon. I brought out some of his clothes I found in your stuff." He gestured to the pile of clothes beside the both of you before standing up.

"When you guys get inside, Lily would love for you to come in and meet her." You smiled at that, nodding. "It would be my honor."

You laid back down, listening to the morning sounds slowly begin, until you felt the movement under you, watching for your own eyes as Remus shifted back into himself. He groaned, the pain filling his frame once more within 12 hours, the sounds of his groans bringing tears to your eyes.

Once he was fully to himself, his eyes opened and met yours, widening. "What?" He asked softly, his gaze not leaving yours. You reached over, grabbing the clothes brought out for him before dropping them on his chest. He sat up without another word, removing his body from yours and beginning to get dressed.

He stood, pulling the boxers and pants on as you stood yourself. You grabbed the pillows and blankets, waiting until he began to pull on the sweater before rushing inside, hoping to escape the looming conversation.

You set the things down in the living room before slowly creeping up the stairs and towards the room with Lily and James, hearing a soft and small cry emitting from it. You knocked softly, hearing the "come in" before you creaked open the door. "Hey you four." You whispered, seeing Harry fast asleep on James' chest.

"Y/n, thank Merlin." Lily spoke, her eyes welling with tears at the sight of you. "I was so worried. I didn't know what happened." You smiled, walking closer to the woman. "It's all okay, it's a long story, but it's all okay." You walked closer until you were at the edge of the bed, looking down at Lily and the beautiful baby girl.

"Take her." Lily whispered, looking up at you. "What?" you asked, your eyes wide. "You're gonna need the practice, take her." You nodded, slowly grabbing the baby from Lily, coddling her to your chest.

"Y/n!" You heard Remus call before turning into the room, staring at you holding the baby. "You had her?" Remus now asked Lily, smiling widely. "Mhm, last night. Looks like two people decided to make an entrance." Lily laughed, smiling at you.

"She's beautiful." You whispered, your eyes having stayed on the baby in yours arms. "What's her name?" You looked down at Lily, now seeing James awake and looking at you. "Well, we wanted to confirm with you, but we wanted to name her Harley y/m/n Potter." You gasped softly, looking down at the two parents.

"Are you sure?" They both nodded before you finished speaking, "More than sure." Your tears fell freely as you looked down at the baby, seeing her now asleep in your warm hold. "I'd be honored."

Remus had now walked to you, standing behind you as he looked down, his eyes set on you holding the baby girl, pregnant with his own kids. His gaze moved to the ceiling, holding in tears before he glanced at the bed, seeing James glaring daggers into his frame.

"Here, I'm gonna go freshen up. She's absolutely beautiful, guys." You carefully handed Harley back to her mom before quickly walking out of their room, but stopping a few steps away to hear James speak.

"Fucking prat, there the fuck you are! Where have you been?!" His voice was harsh, angry at his best mate. "Looking for her, what else! The second she left Molly's, I've been looking!" Remus' voice was scratchy like it was every morning after a turn.

"Yeah, well, you're a dick." Lily spoke up, still looking down at her baby girl. "I still think Sirius should have punched you harder." Remus nodded, looking at the floor.

"I can't believe I said that to her, guys. What the fuck kind of person am I?" His voice was growing rougher, his eyes swelling with tears. "Don't go on about this with us, mate. You're in the same house as her, go tell her." That caused you to walk off quickly, moving to your room, shutting the door and leaning against it.

Your hands wrapped around your belly, bringing you back to the day you apparated out of Molly's living room, having held your stomach the same way, protecting your children. What on earth do you say to him? What did you want from him?

You weren't sure what the answer was to either of those questions, which is why you quickly left your room and slipped into the bathroom. He couldn't talk to you if you were in the shower. You confirmed you had your bathroom items before jumping into the shower, taking the longest shower you had ever taken in your life.

While you stood, shampoo in your hair, you thought.

What if he still doesn't want them? I'd have to stay here. I'd move in fully and live in Texas. Texas, really? It's so fucking hot and I'd miss snow. Then I'd move in with Molly. Nope, no way, there are already 7 kids there, she does not need two more. Then, James and Lily? Nope. She just had another newborn, there was no way you'd bug them with this. Sirius. That's where you'd go. He had tons of space and you're sure he'd be more than okay with you there.

But, what if he changed his mind? What if he did want them? How could you trust that? How could you possibly believe he'd want them after immediately suggesting they be gotten rid of?

As you applied the conditioner, you wished you could just go back to the easier things. The happier things. The things that had you almost thinking you lived in a world not plagued with pending war.

Five years after graduation. You were sitting in Remus' lap at James and Lily's place, still getting used to Peter not being around. Harry now being two had you all more than happy, listening to his vocabulary grow.

The football game was on, the muggle TV playing as Lily still attempted to explain it to Sirius and James. Remus had his arms around you, his gaze no longer on the TV, but on Harry as he played on the floor with his stuffed dragon. "I can't believe you got him a muggle toy." He laughed in your ear, the smile evident on his face. "Well, he loves Dragons! I couldn't not buy it." You smiled at your boyfriend, kissing his nose softly. The night carried on, the five of you playing a few games of sharades, but you exiting the room to grab the next plate of sliders to bring into the room.

As you sat back down, Harry walked up to you, sat in your lap, and grabbed your face. "Mawwy me." He giggled softly, your eyebrows furrowing as Lily quickly yanked him from your lap, nervously chuckling. "Hah, sorry, don't know where that came from" You looked around the room, all four faces refusing to look at you, all of them nervously laughing along with Lily.

"Did Harry just ask me to marry him?" You watched as they glanced around nervously before breaking out, talking over each other. "What, psh, no way." "Where would he have learned how to do that?" "I didn't hear that, did you hear that?" "No, but I did." All talked stopped, everyone looking at Remus. "What did you just say?"

Remus took a deep breath, moving off the couch and turning to look at you, before bending down onto one knee. "I've been talking to them a lot about how I was going to ask you, but seeing as how Harry beat me to the punch, let's do it right now. Y/n, right in front of our friends and a little boy who doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut." James tickled Harry, causing him to giggle as you all smiled. "I'm asking the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my entire life, the girl who showed me that being something you can't control doesn't make you a monster, the girl who makes me smile with just a single giggle, to marry me. You have shown me a happiness I thought everyone was faking, a love that I didn't think existed outside of James and Lily and Molly and Arthur, and a kindness I thought had left the world.

"So, in the living room of our best friends, surrounded by food I think Harry might have stuck his fingers in, I ask you to marry me. Make me the happiest man in the world and marry me."

You thought his proposal had been so incredibly beautiful, better than any you ever could have imagined. As you rinsed off the extra shaving cream from your legs, you sighed deeply. How did your love life come to this?

Eventually, you had exited the shower, tying the bathrobe around your bump before opening the bathroom door, walking out and jumping at the sight of Remus sitting on your bed.

"Fuck, you scared me." You clutched your belly, looking at the man. "Oh, shoot, sorry." You pulled the robe tighter, seeing his eyes flutter down to his legs. It hurt your heart to think you needed to cover up from him, but you attempted to cover the large bump behind the robe.

"Let me, uh, let me change really quick." You grabbed your underwear from your dresser before rushing into the closet, shutting the door and dressing in a shirt and a baggier set of overalls, hoping it didn't show your belly too much. When you walked out, Remus was now pacing the floor, his hands gripping his hair tightly.

"Rem, stop, it's fine." you quickly walked to him, pulling his hands from his hair. "I'm glad you're okay." You mumbled the words, taking a step back from him. He inhaled deeply, his eyes shutting.

"I can still smell the change in your scent. Really, Moony can, but I can still tell." You nodded, stepping back once more.

"Y/n, we need to talk." You laughed bitterly, a mix of anger and sadness filling your body. "You think we need to talk, Remus? You think so? You think we should talk about the fact that, the second you got back from being on a mission you could have died on, you yelled at me for something I couldn't control? You think we should talk about the fact that you basically told me to abort our kids? You think we should talk about the fact that you let me walk out of our home without trying to stop me? You think we should talk about that?"

Your hands were shaking in anger, your eyes swelling up with tears. Damn, how much can one person cry? Your hands gripped your own hair now, pulling it in anger. "How can I cry this much? How does this happen?" You shouted in anger, now at yourself. "Fucking hormones!" Your hands fell to your sides, your eyes squeezed shut before your felt yourself in the hold of him.

His scent filled you, filled you up until your body relaxed involuntarily. "'S okay, I'm right here. I'm right here." One hand went up to smooth the hair that you yanked, the other firmly holding you to him. Your hands wrapped around him, grasping onto the fabric of his shirt at his back. "I'm so fucking mad at you, Remus. So fucking mad." Your tears slowed, your eyes closing as you finally felt safe.

He had been your safe place for so long and going without him for this long had kept your body weak. Now, relaxed in his hold, your body begged for decent sleep. You allowed yourself to go limp in his hold, feeling him pick you up bridal style and walk to both to the bed, curling up with you in his arms. "'M right here, love. Right here and I'm not going anywhere." You drifted to sleep, holding him with as much strength as you could as you slept.

~

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