#acceptance is much easier if you're honest to yourself if you're not you can't reach ot because you lie yourself

[leahnardo-da-veggie]

The Tragedy of Love, Death and Maggots, part 16-G

Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15

I paused, thinking about it. “Sure, why the hell not? I'll bite. What's the plan, Mrin?”

It made her break into a proper smile. This time I could see the cracks in it, where something that horrible and despairing lurked. “Are you alright, Mrin? You look… troubled, my love.” The last word lingered on my tongue. It tasted like the fields in summer.

“It's nothing, Doc. Nothing at all.” Mrin turned away, but I caught the flash of grief. Stronger, it was. Starker against the warmth in my chest.

“No, it's not nothing. Don't brush me off, Mrin. Not after everything we've done,” I said, grabbing her arm and pressing it to my chest. “I swear, Mrin, I'm done trying to accept my fate. I'm done trying to make my own heart freeze over. I'm done refusing to admit that I don't care about you, or Athena, or Brett.” 

I don't know when I decided that. To be honest, I hadn't quite realised it until the words flew out of my mouth. I suppose it must have been when Mrin burst into tears that night. It always did come back to her, after all. Her and that piercing gaze of hers. It revealed things I didn't know about myself.

But it was true. I was done, once and for all, of letting harm coming to the ones I loved. It was time for me to step up and be a man for once. I pressed her calloused hand to my chest. “Come on, Mrin. Tell me what's wrong. Let's face it together, no matter how horrible. Isn't that what partners are for?”

She looked down, avoiding my gaze. “I've come to a conclusion of my own, Doc. I think- I think it's time I stopped trying to make the impossible happen. I've been stuck here for what, a decade? And no matter how hard I've tried, I can't find a way to escape this place. I…”

“I don't think there is one.”

The admission made her voice crack, and she yanked her hand from my chest as though I'd stabbed her. “Fuck, that hurts to say aloud. But it's the truth, isn't it? There's just no way out. We're stuck here. Doomed.”

It was the opposite of my decision. “Mrin…”

“No! It's pointless, don't you get it?! It's so… so accursedly unfair of you to say something like ‘I love you', right when I've made my choice! I admired you, Doc. I admired how stoic you were. I tried so, so fucking hard to stay calm in the face of everything. I tried so hard not to care. I tried to be like you, and just as I succeed, you do this?!”

She shook, though with rage or grief, I could not tell. “You stupid bastard. You and Athena and Brett, you've all left me no choice.”

“I've got to save you all. Even if it means killing myself.”

“Mrin, what the hell are you talking about?” I tried to reach out again, and she gave me an infuriated look. 

“Run the numbers, Doc. I'm never going to be happy here. I don't want to spend my life chasing something that will never come to pass. It's all so pointless. Pointless, I tell you.”

“You're repeating yourself again, Mrin.” Even as I said it, I knew it was useless. We really were doomed to repeat our mistakes. This conversation had been the lead-up to Athena's death, and it was gonna be the lead-up to Mrin's too. I felt that mantle of despair settle about my shoulders, unavoidable as ever. 

Yet I had to try anyways, didn't I? Wasn't that what I'd told her just now? Damn, this trying thing was hard. It was hard to get arms to move when they'd stayed still for so long, hard to get the ball rolling when it'd been gathering moss for forever, hard to try when it was so much easier to just not. But I had to. For Athena, who I hadn't reached out to in time. For Brett, who I could have saved if I'd been less of a fool. 

For Mrin, who I still had. Who I would lose. Who I couldn't lose, not when we'd admitted the truth to each other.

“It's not pointless, Mrin. You're a fool if you believe that.”

(Character development!!!)

Taglist: @coffeeangelinabox, @dorky-pals, @calliecwrites, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @shukei-jiwa

@thewingedbaron, @pluppsauthor, @cowboybrunch, @wylloblr, @possiblyeldritch

@tragedycoded, @finickyfelix, @urnumber1star, @ratedn, @ramwritblr

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@evilgabe29, @glitched-dawn, @rivenantiqnerd, @dragonhoardesfandoms, @xenascribbles

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@seastarblue, @wyked-ao3

(Anyone else who wants to get added can tell me in the comments, pm me, or send me an ask about it!)

[candied-heartss]

𝐖𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐃 𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒

(ᵗʰᵉ ʳⁱᵈᵈˡᵉʳ ˣ ᶠᵉᵐ! ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ)

𝖽𝖾𝗌𝖼𝗋𝗂𝗉𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇: 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗋𝗂𝖽𝖽𝗅𝖾𝗋 𝗄𝗂𝖽𝗇𝖺𝗉𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖽𝖺𝗎𝗀𝗁𝗍𝖾𝗋 𝗈𝖿 𝖺 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗆𝖾𝗆𝖻𝖾𝗋 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗀𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗆 𝖼𝗂𝗍𝗒 𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖼𝗂𝗅, 𝗌𝗁𝖾 𝗀𝖾𝗍𝗌 𝖺 𝗅𝗂𝗍𝗍𝗅𝖾 𝖻𝗂𝗍 𝗆𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇 𝗌𝗁𝖾 𝖻𝖺𝗋𝗀𝖺𝗂𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝖿𝗈𝗋..

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴: 18+ (𝗠𝗗𝗡𝗜), 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝗻𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗮 𝘁𝗮𝗱 𝗯𝗶𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗱𝘂𝗯𝗰𝗼𝗻, 𝗸𝗻𝗶𝗳𝗲𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆, 𝗱𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝘀𝗹𝘂𝘁𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗯𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗴𝗲, 𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘀𝗲𝘅, 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗼𝗿𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝗲𝘅 (𝗺 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴), 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴

You slowly regained consciousness, eyes blinking once, twice, three times before finally opening up fully to look around your area. You were in an unknown person's room, laying on a grimy mattress on the even dirtier floor with your hands bound behind your back with duct tape, with your mouth being restrained with more of the silver adhesive.

"Oh good," a deep voice crooned, "you're awake. I thought I would have to slap you awake myself, but you made my job so much easier for me."

Your eyes widen in terror and shock as you scramble to sit up, using your legs as guidance. Beneath the makeshift gag, you whimper anxiously as the man clad in a green army jacket with a question mark crudely painted onto its surface, heavy trousers with even heavier boots, and a mask that covered his whole face, save for his eyes, which were protected by clear-framed glasses.

You whine again in fear, looking up at the man, trying to back away, but he comes closer, bending down to look at you. Only then, did it dawn on you how tall he was and how it made you feel small yourself, even though you were of average height.

"Oh, look at you. You're scared, aren't you?" He observed, reaching out a gloved hand and brushing your hair away from your face. You attempted to move away from his touch only for him to harshly grip your jaw.

"Eyes up here, baby." He ordered, making you look up at him with the fear still lingering in your eyes.

He smiled at your almost instant submission, "There we go. That's a good girl. We can't have you misbehaving now, can we?"

You slowly nodded, deciding the best way not to make this man snap is to just play along.

"You're probably wondering why you're here, don't you?" he asked, stroking your cheek and looking into your eyes deeply, almost penetrating your soul with his gaze alone. You nod again and he chuckles as if this whole ordeal was highly amusing to him.

"Well, it all starts with your dear father, the one who works for the city council. It was he and his other lackeys that have been a part of the reason why this city remains the cesspool of corruption that it always has been. They've been accepting bribes from Carmine Falcone's men, all so they could fill their appetite for greed."

Your eyes widen at the man's words. No, no. This couldn't be true. Your father, your honest, caring father, collecting money from Falcone's operation? It just didn't seem right. You let out a shocked cry at his words, only to quickly shush you, cooing in your ear.

"Oh, I know, sweetheart. This must be so hard for your dumb, little brain to comprehend, but your father is not the man that you believe him to be. Your father is just like every other politician in this hellhole of a city. They all promise that change will come, a ploy to get the masses to flock to them like a herd of sheep, only to break them down, and strip them of their faith in them, all so that they can feed into the corrupt system that they created."

You shake your head, tears beginning to form in your eyes. "Please, please don't let that be true. My father is a good man... he would never do this." you thought to yourself as you looked back at him.

The man then chuckled, "But that's alright, because now that I have you..." His gloved hand went to caress your cheek, "they'll be sure to listen to the people and change their ways of exerting their power over the people."

You flinch when he comes closer to you, practically grazing your lips with his mask as he seemingly gets an idea.

"In fact, I think that I'll just keep you for now. Maybe, I'll even use you for something very special..."

You shivered at his words, wondering what he meant when he finally ripped the tape off from your lips, making you hiss in pain from the adhesive sticking to the sensitive skin. He then flips you over, so that you're in a kneeling position on your arms and legs before swiftly pulling out a thin pocket knife and dragging along the bare skin that was not covered up by the soft, cottin fabric of your underwear.

Before you can react, he swiftly swipes the knife across the fabric and seamlessly cutting it from your body, leaving you completely bare. You gasp at the cold air meeting the your hot skin and instinctively clenching your thighs together, only for him to push them back open and letting your bare cunt be exposed to him.

You cannot see him, but you can hear as he sighs in contentment, slowly reaching out and swiping a finger through your soaked folds, making you choke on your breath, before he pulls away and examines it as it glistens and drips down the padding of his gloves.

"God... Just look at that... I haven't even fucked you yet and you're already dripping. What a needy little whore you are." He chided, letting his fingers go back to your slit, but this time instead of collecting your juices, he sinks his thick fingers inside of you, making you whine at the burning stretch, having never taken anything larger than your own two fingers.

"Aww, what's the matter, sweetie? Does it hurt?" He asked her, his tone dripping with callous condescension as he speaks. When you nod, telling him how uncomfortable it feels, he simply laughs and continues to thrust his fingers in and out of you, enjoying the obscenely wet, sticky sound your juices make as it echoes through the room as your whines and moans grow louder.

He laughed again, pressing his fingers deeper inside of you and hitting that nerve within you that has you nearly screaming, keening into the mattress and bucking your hips wildly into his hand.

He sighs as his fingers to thrust harder inside of you, "C'mon baby, you've got this. You're doing so well, taking it like such a good girl for me. I think you deserve to come, don't you?" You nod frantically and whine, pushing your hips back into his hand.

You were so close, teetering on the edge of your orgasm when he pulled his fingers out of your sopping cunt, making you cry out in frustration. He merely smiles and begins to unzip his pants far enough to bring his cock out, running the head along your folds, soaking it in your juices.

"I'm going to have my way with you now, and if you struggle, I'll take my knife and cut you, piece by piece." He threatened before finally sliding inside of you in one, swift motion.

You hang your head low and sharply cried out at the feeling of his cock entering you, your walls immediately clenching around him and making him groan in pleasure. He doesn't give enough time to adjust before he begins thrusting into you, his pace wild and erratic.

"Fuck," he groans, grabbing you by the hair and pulling you up, so that your back touches his chest before he wraps a gloved hand around your throat and begins to squeeze, making you gasp for air and your walls to clench around his cock, his impending release starting to build up.

"Please," you whined, panting heavily as he continued to fuck you, "I think 'm gonna come... please let me come, sir."

He smiles underneath the masks and speaks, stroking your cheek again, "Why should I? Have you earned it?" You nod in desperation, practically begging him to let you come.

"Please, please, please, sir... 've been such a good girl for you, please lemme come for you." you practically sob as your walls continue to clench around him, your orgasm impending fast.

He then laughs and reaches down to rub your sensitive clit with his thumb, the latex of his gloves brushing up deliciously against your bundle of nerves, making you sob harder, "It's okay, baby... You've been so good for me, go on, let it go.."

At his words, you finally fall over the edge and your body tenses up as you let out a strained cry, your walls gripping his cock tightly, like a vice. He hisses at the feeling and quickly pulls out and flipping you over and situating you on your knees, gripping at his cock before forcing your mouth open and sliding it down your throat.

"Now, be a good little whore and suck my cock." He instructs, throwing his head back in ecstasy and groaning when he feels you begin to suck on him, taking him as far as your mouth would let him.

As he continues to thrust harshly into your mouth, he groans and grips your hair tightly, hitting the back of your throat and making you gag.

"Fuck, I'm going to come down your slutty little throat, sweetheart." He speaks to you mindlessly, before his abdomen tenses, his eyes roll back and he lets out a loud groan as he comes down your throat. He then looks down and slowly pulls out, letting some of his cum drip down your lips and onto your bare chest.

He then pulls away and grabs his Polaroid camera from a nearby table, looking down and pointing the lense at you, "Stick out your tongue, whore."

You obliged and slowly stick extend your tongue out for the camera before it goes off with a flash, capturing your face, dripping with his cum.

"God, you're the prettiest little slut in all of Gotham, baby."

[godsfavoritescientist]

Building off of what I wrote in my fic "Sparks," I'm really compelled by the idea of Ford genuinely no longer being interested in sailing around in a boat with Stan by the time they were seniors in high school.

I like the idea of it not being just a symptom of the resentment that had been building between them, nor it being a dream of Ford's that only paled in comparison to west coast tech, but it being a genuine loss of interest on Ford's end. I think it complicates things even further in some really juicy ways.

Like, imagine going through high school slowly losing more and more interest in the dream you've shared with your twin and only friend ever since you were little kids. How do you break it to him? How do you explain it to him without making it sound like a rejection of him? Without it making him hate you?

How do you explain it without it feeling like a spit in the face to all the hard work he's put into a plan that started out as a way of him comforting you by telling you "it doesn't matter what people say about you, you're going to be an adventurer who sails away into the sunset and never has to hear their mockery ever again, and there will be babes and treasure and heroism, and then they'll all see how cool you really are!"

And all through high school you think to yourself, "he's going to move on to more realistic dreams any day now, and then I won't have to say anything about it!" But no matter how many times you mention something else he could do with his life that he seems interested in, or bring up the challenging logistics of traveling around long-term in a boat, he sounds just as committed to the childhood dream as ever, and completely oblivious to how apprehensive you sound.

So resentment grows, little by little. Because that's easier than confronting the soul-crushing levels of guilt that are building up inside of you, every time you don't take an opportunity to tell him you don't want to do the plan anymore. You don't have a single person in your life who modeled how to have difficult conversations for you. As far as you know, having this conversation with Stan would crush him into tiny little pieces and then he would hate you forever, and you can't stand the idea of losing the only friend you've ever had.

So tensions grow. A lack of interest turns into a bitter resentment that, if you were really being honest with yourself, is directed more at yourself than it is at Stan.

And then the falling-out happens, and it seems like you were proven right. Stan hates you now, and he's never going to forgive you for giving up on his dream. But two can play that game, so you try to hate him too. Because if you hate him too, then maybe it won't hurt as much that he never came back. That he never even turned up at school, or by the boat, or in through your bedroom window in the middle of the night. He knows what dad's like, and how he says impulsive exaggerated things when he's angry, and haven't you both dealt with his harsh words countless times before and been able to dust yourselves off and joke about it later? So why isn't he back at home, joking with you about how absurd your dad acted that night, being impossible and belligerent about ruining your dream, but at least now you're even, because you've ruined his dream too.

-

And now imagine you find out he risked the lives of everyone in existence to bring you back, right after you had accepted your fate was to die killing Bill. It would be terrifying and confusing and infuriating. If he cared so much, why didn't he do something to reconnect with you sooner? Why did he ignore you in favor of trying to make it big without you? Why didn't he take the infinitely safer and simpler action of reaching out to you without you having to track down his address and send a desperate plea for help? You were convinced that he didn't care enough to bother with you unless you had an important enough reason for him to come. But even then, he thought your plans were stupid. He didn't want anything to do with you, not even with the world at stake.

Did he save your life out of guilt? Does he pity you that much? It doesn't add up with what he did in the decade leading up to shoving you into the portal. And the dissonance between the version of him in your head that hates you, and the man who held out his arms to welcome you back to your home dimension, is so strong that you feel like you're being lied to again, like you're back in the depths of gaslighting and manipulation that Bill put you through, even though there's no way that's what Stan is trying to do... right? You can't figure it out, so you run away from it. You don't want to know the answer to whether or not Stan hates you, because you don't know which answer would hurt more, so you try to make him hate you more than ever, because at least then you would know for sure how he feels.

And in the end, after he sacrifices his memories for you, and for the world, things seem clearer. The layers upon layers of confusion and anger and hurt seem to have washed away like drawings in the sand, leaving behind the simple truth: that you two had an argument, and didn't move past it for forty years, and despite everything you put each other through, you both still want to re-connect.

So you sail away in a boat together.

And at first, it's wonderful. It's exactly what you want. It feels like an apology to Stan, and a thank-you for saving the world, and a once-in-a-lifetime chance to heal the rift between you two, and it's good to be back on earth, and you wonder why you ever doubted the dream you two once had.

But then, after the first long journey you spend on the sea together, when you get back home to dry land, Stan is already talking about planning your next adventure out on the open sea. He recaps every adventure you had on the first trip, over and over again, and he wants to chat with you all through the morning and long into the night, and you don't have the words to explain to yourself that you don't have enough social battery for this, and suddenly you're slipping back into the horrifyingly familiar feeling of Stan being overbearing and needing space from him and how could you think that? How could you think that about him after everything he's done for you and everything he's forgiven you for? But the longer this goes on, the more you realize that you still don't want to spend the rest of your life sailing around with Stan. It's great fun in moderation, but the idea of your whole life revolving around Stan and going on adventures with Stan and being in a boat with Stan with no time to be by yourself thinking about your own things and figuring out your own dreams makes your skin crawl with a claustrophobic kind of panic that you still don't know how to put into words forty years after the first time this feeling grabbed you by the throat and ruined your friendship with Stanley.

But the first time this happened, it nearly ruined his life forever. You can't let yourself feel this. You don't feel this. You're happy to spend the rest of your life fulfilling Stan's lifelong dream, and making up for the time you crushed his dream, and sure, maybe he crushed your dream once too, and maybe it would be nice for him to support your dreams like you're now doing for him, but you can't say that. He saved the universe, and it would be horrible and ungrateful and cruel for you to try to voice these feelings, especially when you don't know how to voice your feelings without it making other people feel like you twisted a knife into their gut. So you try to pretend the feeling isn't there.

You go out on a boat with Stan again. You planned out another incredible journey together, and this should be fun, and you should be happy about this, but the unspoken feeling you shoved as far down in yourself as it could possibly go is eating you alive. The worst part? Stan is starting to notice. You have never been good at hiding your emotions. The trick to it has always been to convince yourself you don't feel it at all, and not think about it, and that has always worked like a charm. But whenever the emotion claws its way back up to the forefront of your mind, you can tell Stan knows something is wrong. So you can't even give him the happy ending he deserves. You can't even convince him that you want to be here on the open seas forever with him, like he deserves. And you keep trying and trying to hide it, but Stan keeps asking in roundabout ways, like "You're being awfully quiet, sixer," and "whats that look on your face?" and eventually it comes exploding out of you like a shaken-up soda bottle dropped on its cap.

And then it's like you're back at home in New Jersey again, standing in the living room while dad grabs Stanley by the shirt. It all comes pouring out of you, in the worst possible way, with the worst possible phrasing, like a pandora's box of monstrousness, and Stan tries to fight back against the sting of your words, but you're made out of acid and you're burning through him and you can see it on his face, and there's never any coming back from this, not this time, you'll just have to either jump into the ocean or become a monster forever, so Stan can hate you more easily again, and-

-and at the end of the outburst, you're still on a boat in the middle of nowhere in the ocean with your brother, in dangerous waters, and you have things to do to keep the boat running smoothly.

You can't run away from him. He can't run away from you. You're stuck here for at least a couple more weeks, even if you turned around and sailed back towards shore right away.

-

And the thing that compels me so much here, despite how unbelievably angsty it all is, is that it sets up a situation wherein the Stans might end up forced to actually address the decades of resentment and confusion and wanting-to-reconnect-throughout-it-all that they thought they could gloss over and heal with enough time spent adventuring together on a boat. They might end up forced to actually address the crux of the issue that drove them apart in the first place: Ford wanting a little more space to feel like his own person, and to feel like he's able to have his own dreams, too.

It wouldn't happen easily, nor right away, but if they were stuck together on a little boat in the middle of nowhere surrounded by magical creatures they have to protect each other from in order to make it back home alive, then after they had one fight where they brought up all the things they silently agreed to never bring up again, it would probably happen many more times, and each time it would leave them both angrier at each other than ever, until eventually something honest slipped through amidst all the saying-anything-except-what-they-mean bickering. And once enough of these honest moments slipped through, then they would have a thread to tug on to start to unravel the gargantuan knot of their decades of unresolved conflicts.

And then, eventually, maybe Stan could learn that he can have a good friendship with his brother without needing to be glued to him at the hip, and Ford needing a certain amount of alone time doesn't mean he dislikes him or wants to abandon him, and Ford could learn that he can be honest and have a meaningful connection with someone without it driving them away and making them hate him.

[littlemoonastrology]

The Nature of Saturn ♄ in Astrology - LittleMoon's Rambles and Top Tips for Saturn in Cancer

I feel like a lot of opinions on Saturn strictly focus on the negative aspects of it's energy (especially in Pop-Culture Astrology) such as: creating blockages, helping you mature through lessons which take a while, self-doubt...

But Saturn is so much more than that!

This Planet is the embodiment of Karma, it teaches you that your actions have consequences... that you can't run away from your problems and that you need to tackle them face on in order to move on. If you put in the work to improve your Saturn placement, you get rewarded and start to feel not just stable, but capable in yourself and your abilities.

Saturn will help you create a sense of longevity in your life, that you're able to reach your goals one by one (and it gets easier each time!). The sooner you start to work on this placement, the easier it will be to tackle issues as they come (and you'll be able to achieve bigger goals, also meaning better rewards!).

If you don't seek to improve your Saturn placement, run away from your problems all this will do is breed procrastination, self-sabotage and anxiety which makes improving a whole lot harder.

Saturn may also draw you to situations where it thinks you need to learn something, something you may have already struggled with to test whether you are really developing it (and if your Saturn placement is in a House/Sign with other Planets... then these are also Planets which are developed by improving your Saturn Placement's expression/area of life).

~

This Planet only wants to see you develop, improve and achieve your goals in life... and some people think it's a cruel or aggressive planet.

Saturn isn't cruel or aggressive - Saturn is BLUNT and HONEST... and the only way for you to really reach the top and achieve what you want is to be honest with yourself, other people and take accountability for your misdeeds. The truth always comes out - whether it takes days, months, years, decades or even centuries.

If you can't accept these responsibilities, honesty, maturing and self-development then this may be a sign you are going in the complete opposite track of where you are meant to be. Maybe, it's time for you to introspect and figure out what is really important to you rather than focusing on arrogance, spite, bitterness, pettiness, regret or that you can "do what you what" because ultimately - your actions don't matter... which is NOT the truth at all.

In order to move forward in life, you need to move ON and that means FACING your problems, being honest with yourself and taking accountability for your actions.

~

As someone with a Cancer Stellium (including Saturn in Cancer, Sun in Cancer at 0 degrees) I GET it, sometimes it is easier to stay with what you are comfortable with, do things when you want to and pursue the things you enjoy. But take a look at your own sense of emotional security - what do your defence mechanisms look like?

Do they actually protect your sense of self and individuality OR are you acting out because you are afraid of getting hurt and clinging too much onto the past?

Are you taking responsibility for when you hurt those people, are you taking responsibility for YOURSELF when you self-sabotage?

What about when you are clinging to those close to you and trying to protect them, are you actually protecting them or are you controlling them?

Are you closing yourself off from making valuable friendships?

How easily do you trust?

Do you let people take advantage of you, or do you put up a tough shell and hide your sensitivities?

Are you ACTUALLY enjoying life and spending time in the way you want to?

Do you feel nurtured?

If ANY of those questions resonated with you, caused you to have a think or struck something (like it made you mad, paranoid, feel guilty, resentful, regretful) - then it's time for you to introspect and work on your own sense of capability, emotional security, nurturing of yourself and your talents.

I've been working on my Saturn for the past 4 years (unknowingly! I called it self-development!) and the amount of progress I've made so far is IMMENSE (especially since my Cancer Saturn is also in my 10th House!) although I am so far from being completely done, it's a slow process! So... here are my 4 Top Tips for you:

Know that there is NOTHING wrong with you, you are an individual with your own responses and fears - if there is anyone out there that seeks to invalidate it, make you feel like nothing, like you can't work on your goals, makes you feel a deep sense of discomfort or triggers you - these people are NOT meant to be in your life for the long-term. Use them as a LESSON to learn more about yourself, wants, desires, and nurture yourself properly.

If you have hurt someone through an action you took and they have communicated this to you and you know you ARE in the wrong - take accountability, apologise and try your best to not do that action again. If you are not in the wrong and you know it, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! Don't let people emotionally manipulate you, but know the difference between emotional manipulation and when someone is genuinely hurt and trying to communicate.

Work on your triggers - get to the bottom of why you react a certain way and focus on emotional management at first if this is something which hurts you or others. Heal your emotional security at your own pace, nurture yourself with things you enjoy and do your best to live in the moment. Learn different breathing techniques, reframe the way you think and expose yourself to different situations in a healthy setting. Spend time with those who have PROVEN to be reliable in the past and bring you happiness, help you be your best self.

Focus your time and energy on the things you TRULY enjoy and give you a sense of satisfaction or peace. If you have responsibilities that you don't enjoy (and they provide you with something good and benefit your life in some way), find a way to make it more satisfying or just get straight on with it. If this responsibility doesn't benefit you in any way and provides you with more bad than good - feel free to let it go! There will be something else.

~

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Take Care!

[birdmitosis]

In all seriousness -- and it took a while for Broken to grow on me, they used to be one of my least favorite voices (so did Smitten, actually!) -- I got more and more attached to Broken the more I sat and really thought about the fact that... like all the other voices, they're a trauma response.

(This also got Opportunist to shoot way up my favorite characters list. And Cold, actually!)

Broken is the part of you (or, well, the protagonist) that feels useless, hopeless, out of your depth. Incapable of really doing anything or making anything better.

Tower (or the Princess before Her) is, from Broken's POV, the source of your death and pain. Effortlessly. But also, at the same time, the Narrator is the source of it because He set you against Her. And you yourself are the source of it because you couldn't do anything. You were helpless. Broken knows intimately how painful it is to try and fail. And when you meet Her again, She is so much bigger and grander and more powerful than you. And She talks to you -- like you're less than Her, yes, but like you have value to Her even being the way you are.

Broken doesn't want to hurt anymore. They don't want to die again. And they want little nice things where they can get them, maybe because they seem more attainable than anything bigger... You can see that on the stairs when the Narrator tells you about the incense, and Broken says it's nice. They're soothed. And then She actually wants to see you, and for you to see Her, despite everything.

And the thing is, the thing is: You're hopeless. Useless. You can't do this yourself. (From Broken's POV... And at least in the base game, pre-Pristine Cut, they're kind of right? You can't take Her down without dying again, horribly, and making the situation even worse, and you can't even get close to Fury after without getting torn apart and the threat of eternal torture placed on you.) But She sees value in you. She wants to show you mercy. She is being kind.

And like every other voice, Broken wants to protect you. So they want you to do what She says. It will be so much easier if you do what She says. It will be so much less painful if you do what She says. This being that can hurt and kill you without you being able to really stand against Her wants to reach out Her hand to you and take care of you. And really, if She's making all the decisions, it doesn't really matter anymore if you can do things yourself, does it? Trying and failing hurts, but you don't have to try and fail anymore.

Now, obviously this is heavily biased thinking. Broken is depression. Broken is that voice in your head that thinks the worst and then tells you it's just the truth ("I'm just being honest") when it's not. Hero, as your willpower and drive to make choices and do things, struggles hard against that and doesn't really recognize Broken as a protective instinct. But god, when part of you feels like you are useless and can't manage with life without it being too much, too painful, too exhausting, that offer for someone to take over and have mercy on you -- you're fine, you can be useful even in that state -- that part of you would definitely feel at least a little relief, right?

(Broken is also the part of you that is very vulnerable to getting targeted by cults, but I don't have as much insight into that. I've been pretty badly depressed, though, and boy did that make me struggle for a bit before being able to love Broken... But I really do. I want better for the little bird, and for them to be accepted and loved even if they're "useless.")

voice of the broken apologists please explain- if cool why feel like wet socks on my back to listen to

[aresrl]

Emergency Request? If you don't accept any ignore it, please! Don't force yourself to write it, only for my comfort :)

As for the initial ask — headcanons for reader, who's hard work never gets acknowledged, as she's always in the shadows of someone who has the talent for it? For example, the wielding of a bow? She had spend years in working hard to get to the number 1 rank, yet never able to reach it, not because her abilities are not enough, quite the opposite — they're the highest in the region, just society prioritizes natural talent over hard work. Short scenario/headcanon where she finally cracks under the feeling of never beeing enough and always beeing the second choice to EVERYONE. Such as her family, former friends and current acquaintances.

Please include Diluc and if you accept more than one, Venti and Xiao. If its too much, only Diluc :)

Vent in the next paragraph!!!

I'm in a situation familiar to the request. My whole life I never was anyone's number one, but always the second. And people "taking" this spot, always had a natural talent that I didn't, but instead worked years for. Such as synchronizedswimming — my coaches never saw my potential, my hard work and even though, loud the list, I'm the best in the whole team, there always come new girls that have the talent for it and the coaches give them their whole attention, forgetting me. And honestly, even I, a mentally VERY strong person, can't hold it inside themselves for 8 years under the "dramatic, positive swimmer." My old team, all left before and during the quarantine, as did my duett parter of 6 years and she didn't even say goodbye. Like damn, did our partnership really meant nothing to her? To put it simply, I'm just tired of keeping the strong facade facade want to be held someone, anyone, but there's no person I can go to...

That became depressing very quick, I'm sorry if this vent affected your mood and I'm so sorry for beeing selfish to post it publicly, as its really only my problem, but... I don't know. I don't have an excuse.

Have a nice day lovely and know that you're loved :) <3

(Again, ignore if you aren't comfortable with writing this!)

I apologize if it was long! I feel like I've been doing it too slowly. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but for now, I'll only release this with Diluc as I'm afraid I would take too much time to write the others. It's the first time I'm writing in this genre and also the first time I'm receiving an emergency request, so it may be clumsy! Genre: Hurt with comfort Content: Feelings of not being enough, frustration, rejection. Characters: Diluc (Xiao and Venti won't come actually, sorry).

• It's been many years now since you joined the archery association. What motivates you to stay in is your love for this knightly art: you love the fact that it requires peace of body and mind and how it creates new companionship with people sharing this same hobby. • Your love for this made you spend your sweat, all your efforts for years. So much that you became the best of your team, and also, of your region. But not in everyone's eyes. It was the end of the session, you were heading to the room to store your bow. You had a group exercise today, and you were satisfied with what you've done. However, you heard the coach talk to one of the girls that were part of your group: “It's pleasant to work with you because you already got it in you, you know? I feel like our sessions together are easier and run more smoothly.” Does it mean that it's not with me? Because I don't have it in me? Have I been forgotten again...? Once again, you plunged back into these thoughts. The coach knows I'm the best in the ranks. I'm always happy in front of them, and yet, it doesn't satisfy them. Would I be not enough...? You decided to stop thinking about it. You didn't want to feel that again, so in the hope of relaxing and distract yourself, you chose to go home by taking a longer path. Unfortunately, walking was leaving you too alone with your thoughts. I wasn't the one talking with the coach. So it's normal if they give them more attention! But even when I'm here, they're not even glancing at me when complimenting us. I'm tired of lying every time something like this happens. But I know I'm not worth anything! But still-- It seems not enough for people to see that- I'm here... You felt tears coming, so you stopped walking and decided to sit on the ground. It's so frustrating. Tears fall. I can't even complain. Nobody would hear me. But Diluc was near. He was on his way home from Mondstadt. He saw your sitting silhouette while walking and when he recognized you, he headed in your direction. But once he was close enough to hear what sounded like cries, he walked faster, almost ran to reach you. He reached your shoulder from behind with his left hand. He didn't want to hug you yet to not rush things. He kept his hand on you while turning to face you. Your head was facing the ground while you were crying. “D-Diluc...?” you said as you were lifting your head up to check who it was. “You can talk to me if you need to. I'm here for you now.” Is he truly here for me? I don't know. Your confusion frustrated you even more now, leading you to cry louder. Diluc didn't want to stay there with only his hand to comfort you. He hugged you. His right hand was in your hair, and the other caressed your back. His hug is tight. He wants to help you, to stop your cries, to put an end to your current pain. He won't force you to talk if you don't want to, so he remains silent. “People- They won't make me stop thinking I'm not enough. But I work so hard! I know it...” you said, crying in his chest. “They can't see how much effort I put into what I love. I'm not jealous, but- people with natural skills are more praised than people-” Your voice lowered. “Than me...” A little silence passed before Diluc answered. “To be honest, I haven't seen that coming. I assume you've been enduring this for some time.” He paused, his head slackening a bit. “This world is unfair. Things will never go as you wish. People won't always recognize your work as they should. But you're strong. You can already recognize your own, and this should be enough.” He sighs. “I love you, Y/n. When you feel like this, you can think about me. I can assure you that, to me, you are perfect. You don't need to be more.”

[vdlest]

Onto It

Characters:

TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary:

Bucky and Sam are both in New York to finish their mission with the power broker, turns out to be Sharon Carter. The latter is not just the villain in this story, but you once got jealous of her as well when she tried to seduce your man.

Warning:

Swearing

Jealousy

Mention of Smut

"You know you could just call Bucky instead of being a grumpy old lady in here," Wanda pointed out as you accidentally dropped your pen for fifth time.

You and Wanda are doing some mission report in the house that you share together, the reports that you and Wanda are reading and discussing has something to do with the mission two had last week. But your mind is not completely concentrated to whatever the report says. Your mind is in New York, thinking of your man, Bucky Barnes.

"Come on, y/n," Wanda handed you your phone, "Just call him already. I know you're worried about the fact that he and Sam is there in New York to deal with the Sharon Carter," she raised her two hands to make air-quotation-marks upon mentioning Sharon's name.

You used to have no problem with Sharon, you actually wanted her to and Steve to enjoy each other's company before. But that was before. Before that witch became a villain in your lives. All along she is the power broker and she made a fool out of you all. Not just that, she even tried to seduce Bucky because she wanted to cover up her real identity. She put a substance on Bucky's drink to drug him and make it look like something happened to them, but before she could pull off her plan, you and Sam were able to stop her, however she escaped.

"Sam and Bucky are in New York to take that woman down, so I shouldn't feel worried about it anymore," you confidently said, realizing that Bucky promised that there's only woman in his life and that's you.

The two of you started dating a year ago now, but both of you just want to keep it unlabeled for now. But you won't deny the fact that you have been wanting to take it to the next level. There were times when you would ask yourself what is your right to get jealous if there's someone trying to steal your man, he's not even yours to begin with.

"Aren't you guys getting tired of the unlabeled thingy?" Wanda asked you as he closes the folder she's holding, "I mean, no offense, okay? But you clearly like each other. You guys have been dating for a year now and don't you think it's a bit unfair on your part?"

"Unfair, why?" you questioned her. "Wanda, it is also my choice to put it this way. We don't want to rush things about us," you explained.

"Yeah, I know that you guys are confident with your relationship as exclusively dating, but it's better to put label in it. Trust me, you should do it while you still can," she reached for you hand and gave it a squeeze as she smiles at you, "Vis and I didn't have much time. So you and Bucky should make it lasts while you can."

You can sense pain in Wanda's voice. It must've really hard for her to move on and accept her and Vision's fate. If you were in her place, you don't know what will make you stay in your sanity.

Wanda has always been a good friend to you. She has always give you advices and her presence in your life makes you understand the things you were having a hard time understanding, like love itself.

"Do you want some coffee?" Wanda asked you as she stood up from her seat, "I'll probably order some food as well, I'm starving."

Just when Wanda's about to leave to order food and coffee, your phone rang.

B U C K Y calling...

"Seems like your guy cannot live in a day without hearing your voice," Wanda teased before she made her way out, leaving you alone inside the family room.

You grabbed your phone and answered the call of your unofficial boyfriend.

"Hey, I've been texting you, but you're not replying. Are you okay?" he asked as soon as you accepted his call.

"Oh, yeah," you saw the multiple messages that came from him, but you weren't able to see it because you were too preoccupied with the reports and the fact that Sharon Carter is bugging your mind, "Sorry, just got a little mixed up with the mission reports. Wanda and I have been reading it for almost 2 hours."

First of all, you did not want to tell him about your issue with Sharon Carter, although he's already aware of it and he knows already that you got jealous and really angry of her for what happened. Second, you did not want him to feel like you don't trust him.

"How's the mission?" you asked him, changing the topic.

"Well, we finally caught Sharon red-handed. She's in custody right now and the investigation about her will start first thing in the morning tomorrow," he said. Even though they've already taken Sharon down, he and Sam have to stay in New York for a few more days since they have to stay for the investigation, "You, alright?"

You hate it when he knows something's wrong with you or something's bothering your mind. He can already sense it just by the way you breath or speak.

"You know that I know you already, right? So, tell me, what's bothering you?" he questions.

The sigh you let out confirmed his hunch, you're not gonna get away with it anyway so you might as well fire with it. You've always been so honest with him anyway.

"I'm just not so comfortable with the fact that Sharon Carter witch, God, I hope Agent Peggy Carter will forgive me for telling bad words about her niece," you heard him chuckle in the other end. "But God, I can't just forget what she did to you, what she almost did to you."

"You mean when she almost raped me?" he joked.

"Look, Bucky, it's not really funny, okay?" you groaned as you hear him chuckle again on the other line.

"I get it, y/n. Okay? I get it. You have to stop worrying about it, okay? It won't happen ever again. Besides, after this mission, I won't be involved in anything about Sharon anymore. And I also want to take you out again, something that I haven't done for a while now," he reassured you.

It's true that two of you haven't gone on a date for quite some time, as both of you got busy with different things, especially in saving the world and humankind. But it's not really something that bothers you. He still makes you feel special in different ways.

"Buck," you remembered what Wanda advised you and you know you had to open it up to Bucky as soon as you could, "Can we also talk about us when you get back?" you hesitantly asked.

"What do you mean talk about us?" he sounded worried. You closed your eyes as you asked yourself if you did the right thing of opening it up to him this early, "Y/n, do you want us to stop? 'Cause if you do, you can just tell me now."

"Bucky, no," you answered immediately. God knows that's the very last thing you want to happen. You didn't want to lose him. "I just...I...I am...fuck!" you swore, you don't know how to tell him about it.

"Y/n, what's happening? Just tell me so we could do something about it."

You sighed as you prepare yourself to tell everything to him, "I know I was the one who told you and suggested that we should just do the unlabeled relationship because it's much easier that way, and it really was. We did not feel any pressure. We did not feel we have to rush or something, but I just got tired of it. I got tired of it the moment Sharon asked me a few months ago when the incident happened that what is my right to get jealous, to get mad, we're not even in a relationship. It hit me. That question fucking hit me. And here's Wanda telling me how we should make everything last while we can and I feel so guilty that we're taking our time for granted knowing that she and Vision did not get to their happy ending." You took a deep breath and closes your eyes for a second, "I didn't mean to pressure you or anything Bucky, I really don't. I just don't want to take what we have for granted."

After you let your feelings out, it took a few seconds before Bucky could finally answer you. His silence made you nervous but the moment you heard him chuckle, you felt a little relief.

"You're right, we should talk about us when I get back. I should put label to our relationship and I shouldn't make you feel that we're nothing, because you really mean the world to me, y/n. And it's about time we put this whole thing we have in the right pedestal," his words made you ease the embarassment and the awkwardness you're feeling. "Just stop thinking about Sharon, okay? I don't give a damn about her. The whole time I'm away from you all I think is how I would kiss your lips and every inch of your body."

You laughed by the fact that he's thinking of making love to you while he shove off the idea of Sharon Carter or any woman in his life, because there's only one woman in his life and that's you.

"You know I like it when I see you so possessive of me, makes me so eager to fuck you until you realized that you're the only woman I give a fuck," you could clearly hear him he was whispering.

You went out of the family room and went up to your room, giving you more privacy since the man you're talking to right now is starting to propose phone sex.

"Is it just me or you're whispering?" you innocently asked.

"Well, I'm not now. I just got inside my car so," he paused for a moment, "So prepare yourself 'cause I'll make you so wet that you'll wish I'm beside you tonight to attend to your needs."

"You wish," you teased him. "Come home first and I'll cum for you, you tease."

He chuckled, "I'm onto it, sweetheart. I'll ask Sam if I could leave early."

"And what excuse will you tell him?" you asked.

"I'll tell him that I need to make Y/N Y/L/N officially mine, officially my girlfriend. I'll also tell him that there's someone I need to help with her sexual needs," he's joking on the last part but his first sentence made your heart shiver and so excited at the same time.

"That's exciting, and tempting," you teased him back. "Why don't you start pumping your cock and imagine that I'm doing it for you? While I lay here in my bed, thinking of your vibranium fingers making me whimper and moan your fucking name?"

"You're killing me," he groaned and that gave you the sign that he's already pumping himself. "Remind me to punish you for teasing me like this when I get back."

Wanda is right. You should never waste the time you and Bucky have. You should never take anything for granted. Bucky told you that you mean the world to him, and he makes you feel that way, not just sexually, but in romantic way. He would swept you off of your feet. He would do anything for you. That is why if there's someone who'll ask you who are you in James Buchanan Barnes' life, you would just simply answer that you're the love of his life. Too proud to claim it but that's the truth.

No woman can ever make you feel threatened of her anymore, as Bucky claim you his and you claim him as yours day by day, night by night.

-v.dl

[scented-morker]

Speak now

A beeping sound echoes in the small bakery, the scent of freshly baked cookies enveloping you like a warm hug. A bell over the door jingles as someone enters the shop and you all out a “I’m in the back, I’ll be with you shortly” as you maneuver the hot pan out of the way.

You walk to the front of the store, expecting to see one of the sweet old ladies who frequent your business, and it’s a struggle to hide your surprise when you’re met with the handsome face of a man about your age.

“Uh hello,” a smile situates itself on your face as you approach where the man is standing, admiring the pastries through your display case.

“Hello” he stands up straight, his full height making you crane your neck slightly as he smiles back at you.

“Is there anything I can help you with today?”

He explains that he's getting a party together for the HYBE corporation's end of the quarter celebration, and is looking for a caterer for desserts.

"Oh, yeah absolutely, why don't I set you up with a tasting"

You weren't completely sure what they did in that building, other than that it was fancy and they got paid a lot for it. But an event is an event, and you liked catering events.

"Actually I think I'm good, I already know what I want"

A jolt of surprise runs through your body as he says it, confused on how he could already know. You're very certain he's never been in your business before, as you would definitely remember a face like his.

"Alright then, um how big of a headcount are we looking at"

"About 100 workers and their families, just put me down for," he glances back at the pastry cases to read the tags sitting in front of the baked goods, "75 of those tarts, both in raspberry and mint, 50 of those vanilla twist pastries, and 60 of the chocolate cannoli's"

You furiously scribbled down his order as he spoke, internally freaking out at how much time it would take you to bake everything, eventually looking back up when he stopped talking.

"Okay and that is under what name, and for what date?"

"Lee Heeseung, and next Saturday"

You grimaced at the short notice, thankfully Heeseung didn't notice, writing down the last bit of information on the order slip before shooting him a wide grin.

"Alright I will get that all worked out for you, thank you for the order"

He flashed a beautiful smile and you immediately smiled back, trying your best to ignore the way your stomach did flips at the sight.

"While I'm here, can I also just get whatever that chocolate thing is in the display case"

He said it with a slightly embarrassed chuckle, followed quickly by "just don't tell my boss, he'll probably give my nutritionist a heart attack"

You laughed with him, going to get the pastry he ordered, ringing it up and passing it over the counter, quickly snapping your hands back into yourself at the brush of his fingers.

Heeseung doesn't seem to notice as he takes a seat at one of the tables, continuing small talk with you as you replace items in the display case with fresh ones.

When you finished your task he was still eating and nobody else had come into the store, so you start wiping down the tables around him, accepting his offer when he asks you to sit with him.

"So you own this place?"

"Yep! It was my grandmas before the previous owner took over, and they just happened to be retiring when I graduated so it got passed down to me"

"That's impressive, owning your own business this young"

His eyes shined genuinely when he said it and you could tell that he really was impressed.

"Thank you, I'm very proud of it"

He smiles again and somehow you just know that he's a good person. The way he actually cares about the things you talk about, not just pretending to be interested. You could tell he loved seeing other people happy with the look he gave you when you talked, and maybe it was unreasonable, but right then and there a part of you fell for Lee Heeseung.

"You seem quite impressive yourself, working for a big fancy company like HYBE at your age!" You complimented back.

"Oh it's nothing, just a," he paused for just slightly longer than necessary before saying "an internship."

"That's still so cool! What's it like?"

You propped your chin on your hand as you waited for his response, not noticing the way he stared when you did so.

"Uh it's really not as cool as you think," he brushes off the question, "hey, do you want to go for a walk with me?"

The change of topic caught you slightly off guard, but you recovered quickly, checking the time on the clock and realizing it was time to close.

"Yeah that'd be great, just let me close up"

You go through the routine, counting your cash box and storing away pastries, eventually locking the door behind you as you and Heeseung head out into the evening.

"Where do you want to go?" You ask, since he was the one that suggested a walk, and he smiled back at you as soon as the words left your mouth.

"I thought you'd never ask"

He grabs your hand, excitedly pulling you to follow him as he passed through alleys and patches of trees, before eventually stopping, letting out a "ta-da"

You turn in a slow circle, taking in the view, willow trees hanging down around the bank of a river, small flowers covering the base of the trees.

"Oh my-"

You finally turned back to the man next to you, finding his sparkling eyes already on you.

"This is beautiful Heeseung"

His smile is bright enough to light up the slowly darkening night around you as it graces his face, and he pulls you over to sit down under one of the trees.

"Hey Heeseung, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah sure, anything"

"How'd you already know what you wanted to order? I'm sure I've never seen you in my store before, I would remember you"

"Because I'm just so handsome?" He teases, laughing even harder when you reply "yeah, exactly".

"Well Y/N, can I be honest with you?"

"Yeah, of course"

"I've tasted your food before, even before you owned that place"

Your eyes widened at his confession, head cocking to the side as you tried to think of where he could have had your pastries.

"Were you at an even catered?"

He shakes his head dramatically, mumbling something unintelligible.

"What was that?" You lean closer to try and hear what he says and he looks up then, face mere inches from yours as he repeats himself.

"I said 'you give a girl her first kiss and she doesn't even remember you'"

You let out a small gasp as you realize and your face flares up in embarrassment.

Seventh grade, you had your first kiss with a boy who went to the same music classes as you, and you remember embarrassingly bringing him baked goods every class after that. His name was Heeseung, and now that you think carefully you can see the resemblance to the man sitting in front of you now.

"Oh my gosh that's so embarrassing, how'd you know it was me?"

He decides not to tell you he's remembered you since that little peck in middle school and has been begging his boss to order from your bakery so he would have an excuse to see you again.

"You haven't changed much since seventh grade" was his response instead, and you slapped his arm at the comment.

You two spent the next three hours just talking, catching up on each other's lives and reconnecting after your time away.

Before you knew it the sun had completely set and there were no light posts in the area Heeseung had brought you, you now struggled to see the boys pretty smile only a foot in front of you.

"Its getting late, and you probably have work tomorrow, we should probably start heading back."

He checked his phone at your mention, and you pretended not to notice the giant number of notifications while his eyes widened at the time.

"I didn't even realize it had gotten so late, let me take you back"

You're glad he offered, not sure you would be able to make it back to the cafe without his guidance.

The way back seemed much shorter than when you had been pulled down it earlier that day, and you found yourself disappointed that he didn't grab your hand again.

"Well here we are"

He looked around once you made it back to the familiar building, before turning to you.

"Where's your car?"

"Oh, I live pretty close so I just walk, it's easier than trying to find a parking spot in the city traffic anyway"

He nodded his head along with your statement but then shook his head slightly.

"You can't walk home alone at this time of night"

You felt touched by his concern, but fought him on it anyway.

"It's fine Hee, it's only like four blocks away"

"Nope, no way. That's way too far, come on"

He waved his hand towards you and you looked down at it curiously.

"What?"

"I'm walking you home, now come on"

He grabbed your hand again, both of you smiling at how right it felt.

You reached your house in about five minutes, and you tried to hide your disappointment at the prospect of your fun night coming to an end.

"Do you want to come in"

His eyes lit up at the offer but were quickly turned down to look at his feet.

"I'd love to, but I have work early tomorrow"

"Oh, okay"

It was quiet for a few moments before he made eye contact again, taking a step closer to your body and pulling you in his arms in a friendly hug.

"Thank you"

You hugged him back, wrapping your arms around his torso.

"I should be the one thanking you, that spot was beautiful, and I had a really great time. Thank you for taking me with you"

Little did you know that he wasn't thanking you for the few hours you had spent together. But he said "of course" anyway.

"Well goodnight"

"Goodnight"

You went to go inside, sticking your key in the lock before quickly thinking of something.

"Wait!"

Heeseung looked at you quizzically, waiting for you to say whatever it was you had just thought of.

"I need your number," he raised one eyebrow and you quickly added "so you can text me when you get home safe, I would be an awful friend if I let you get kidnapped after you so graciously walked me home"

He laughed at your reasoning, but handed you his phone anyway as you two quickly added each other's contact.

You took a look at his contact, bursting out in laughter at the sight of it.

"Did you really put your name in as 'Heedungie' with a bunch of hearts?"

He looked proud of himself for making you laugh and he nodded his head.

"Yes, yes I did"

"No fair, give me your phone back I want to give you something embarrassing too"

You didn't think he actually would, but his phone was held out to you and you took it, quickly turning around and taking an exaggeratedly cute selfie to set as the contact picture before putting in a nickname for your name, complete with the same aggressive hearts as his.

"There"

He took the phone back and laughed at the improved contact.

"Perfect"

You shared one last smile before you entered your house, Heeseung leaving your porch after seeing you securely in, making sure he walked a block away before calling his driver so you wouldn't see.

Only once he was safe in the confines of the backseat did he look at the notifications on his phone.

23 missed texts from his father and 7 calls from his mother.

He clicked on the notification, skimming his eyes over the texts, rolling his eyes at their content. He didn't even read all the way through before shutting his phone off, throwing it across the seat for the rest of the ride.

You had just stepped out of the shower when you heard your phone ding, and you paused the music to go check the text.

'Just got home, all in one piece and no kidnapping attempts were made on me'

You laughed at his text, shooting back something along the lines of 'I'm glad to hear that' before heading out of your bathroom to get dressed.

Heeseung texted you a few more times after that, and you found yourself giggling at his messages exactly like seventh grade you did. Eventually you said your good nights, after you had scolded him for staying up when he needed to get up in the morning, and you smiled one last time at the obnoxiously cute contact name before floating off to sleep.

You went to work the next day, and the one after that, and there was no real difference in your life except for the constant texting and the extra bounce in your step. Even your regulars commented on how happy you looked.

Heeseung liked to come to the cafe on his lunch break, and you started making an extra lunch in the morning after the first day when he ordered three pieces of cake as his meal.

It was Thursday, and you were currently trying to find someone to help you bake the giant order for the party.

"Come on please, it's huge, and even one person would be a huge help to me"

"Sorry I can't, I'm babysitting for my neighbors the whole week"

You let out a sigh at yet another no, and put your phone back down on the counter.

You were so absorbed in the call that you hadn't heard Heeseung come in, and you almost screamed when you looked up to see him standing in front of you.

"Woah sorry," he was laughing so he obviously wasn't that sorry, "I didn't want to interrupt your call"

"It's okay"

"What do you need help with?"

It took you a moment to realize he meant the phone call and you let out another sigh at your empty search.

"I'm trying to get someone to help me with the order for the party, it's the biggest order I've gotten and it's just me so I can't make it all in one day by myself"

"Oh," he paused "what are you going to do"

"I don't know" you shrugged, "I'll have to start making things tomorrow, everything that would be able to stay overnight so that I don't have to do it all on Saturday, but even with that I don't know if I'll be able to get everything tomorrow done. Maybe I'll put a hiring sign up and hope someone applies by tomorrow"

He tried to stifle his giggles at how dumb of an idea that would be, but you still noticed.

"Heeeeee," you whined, holding the sound out for longer than needed, "stop laughingggg I know it's dumb. I'm trying to avoid a breakdown okay?"

He finally stopped laughing, and his eyes lit up like he just thought of an amazing idea.

"I can help you!!"

You look at him like he's crazy and he shrugs nonchalantly, "What? It's a good idea."

"No Hee, I would never ask you to do that. Besides it's literally for your order, I'm not making you cook for it, especially not on a work day"

"Nope, it's too late. I've made up my mind. I'm helping you"

"No Heeseung, you're not"

"Yes I am. Okay now I'm gonna run away before you can yell at me more. I'll be here tomorrow at- wait, what time do you even open?"

"Nine AM"

"-Then I will be here at nine AM"

"No Heeseung!"

He takes off running and you try to chase him down, both of your laughter ricocheting off the walls. A few people outside stop and watch as you run like children, most of them smiling at the sight.

"Heeseung"

"Nope, not happening"

He runs around you in a circle, quickly running up to the side of your body giving you a peck on the cheek and then taking off back towards the direction of his work.

"See you at nine AM" is the last thing you hear from him, a quiet message because of how far away he was, even though you know he was shouting when he said it.

You shake your head as you watch him turn the corner, turning around to come face to face with one of your regulars.

"So that's why you've been so happy lately?"

You try to think of something to say, some denial of how smitten you were, but all that came out was a giggle, one that solidified your current appearance of a lovesick school girl. You immediately slapped your hand over your mouth, embarrassed at your reaction, but the woman just laughed before heading into the building, you following shortly after to serve her.

And the next day, right at nine AM, the bell above your door rang, and in came the boy that had been the cause of your racing heart all week.

"Here I am"

"You're the worst"

"You say that, but you're smiling"

"Shut up"

He giggled as he followed you to the back of the building, teasing you more about how you were accepting his help anyway.

"I was hoping you wouldn't show up, but I guess since you're here I might as well get the help"

It wasn't true, you were up all night trying to decipher if he was actually going to show up. You even got out your cute apron and put some extra effort into your appearance this morning.

"I would recommend putting this on"

You toss him an apron to protect his clothes, going behind him and tying a nice little bow. He ignored the way his body tingled where your hands brushed it, and your breath hitched when he turned you around to do the same thing.

"This is my job Hee, I could tie it myself"

"I know," was all he said, letting his hands linger on your waist as he turned you back around to face him.

He tucked a few strands of hair behind your ear, his face a little bit too close to yours.

"Whatcha doing?" Your voice came out as a whisper and the way he smiled made your heart beat even faster then it already was, something you didn't think was possible.

"What do you want me to be doing?"

You gave a small laugh, throwing your arms behind his neck and angling your head up to get closer to the tall man above you.

"Does this answer your question?" You asked, referring to your previous actions.

"I think it's a pretty good indication" he spoke through a smile, leaning down to brush his lips against yours softly.

It was barely a kiss, absolutely no pressure from either end, but the butterflies in your stomach absolutely erupted at the contact, and you couldn't even try for an actual kiss because of the huge smiles on your faces.

"Did you feel it?" He whispered, and even without an explanation you knew what he meant.

A giggle left your lips, "yeah I felt it".

A jingle sounded as someone walked in the store and you pulled away from him to go serve the customer.

He was standing against the counter when you walked in, still just basking in the feeling of what had just happened.

"Alright lover boy, time to get to work"

He smiled at the nickname, coming up to you and spinning you around once, before speaking.

"Yes chef"

You laughed at his antics and gave him directions on how to help you start the tart shell.

By noon you were well ahead of schedule, the playlist you had chosen now blaring as you screamed the lyrics together, flour dusted over your faces as you took a break from kneading the dough for the twists.

"Thank you for this"

"Helping you bake?"

"No, everything else too"

He smiled and pulled you back in, this time for a real kiss.

That night you both went home early so that you could get up early for last minute party prep, after a goodnight kiss (or two, or three, or four...) at the your front door.

"Okay I'll see you tomorrow"

"Can't wait"

He hesitated to pull away from you, not quite wanting to leave, but you pushed him lightly.

"One more?"

He puckered up and you laughed giving him one last kiss before running into your house, hearing his whines through the door.

"Okay baby, I'll see you tomorrow"

You almost screamed when the nickname left his lips and you could hear the laugh he let out when he heard your squeal from the other side of your door.

**

"You can go to the back room, there will be another girl in there and a changing station set up, guests are starting to arrive now"

You listened to the other worker speaking, trying not to show how tired you were after finishing all of the baking that morning.

Following her instructions, you headed to the back room to change out of your sweats and into something more presentable for the party. By the time you had exited the back, you could hear the chatter of people and could tell the party was starting.

They started by giving a small speech about how well they had done that quarter, thanking all of the employees for their work and their families for supporting.

Within 30 minutes you were carrying out trays of your pastries, everyone mostly finished with dinner and some random business video was playing in the front of the room.

You walked out to stand along the wall with the other miscellaneous staff people working the event, and watched as they moved on to giving out awards for things like "best costumer service" and "highest sell rate". The entire time you were looking around for Heeseung, trying to spot him over by some lanky guys who looked like interns, but no luck.

"Alright now that all of the awards have been passed out, an important announcement from CEO Lee"

You looked around trying to spot the man in question, eyes eventually landing on an old man, grey hair and a pinstriped suit, as he used a cane to lift himself out of the chair and up to the stage.

You spotted Heeseung then, sitting at the same table the old man had just left, along with an older looking woman you assumed to be CEO Lee's wife, and another male that looked to be a little older than Heeseung.

You thought about trying to get his attention, but the CEO soon started speaking, and your eyes were pulled away from him.

"As I think we all know, I'm not as young as I was when we started this business," there were a few laughs from around the room, and the man waited for them to be done before moving on. "I don’t want you to worry, I’m perfectly healthy, but I, along with my family, have decided that it would be best for me to step down from the company."

Murmurs erupted throughout the room, and it was enough to tell you that the employees had no prior knowledge of this decision. You look over to Heeseung to gage his reaction, but instead of surprise or confusion, his face is laced with something that looks more like... disappointment? You decide it must be the lighting that's obscuring his actual expression, since that wouldn't make much sense.

"I will be retiring within six months, and my son, I know you've all seen him around the company," the female population seems especially excited about these words, a few turning to make faces at each other, you even hear one say 'hot boss' to her friend.

"Heeseung, please come up here"

You can hardly conceal your shock as you see your Heeseung stand up from his seat and go to the front of the room.

You furrow your eyebrows as he stands next to who you now realize must be his father.

"Heeseung will be taking over the company after my leave"

Your eyebrows shoot up as the words register in your mind.

Heeseung is going to be CEO of this giant company within 6 months.

Maybe you should have been mad that he lied to you, that he hid this part of himself from you. He definitely didn't tell you the position of his father, or the fact that he was going to be coming into said position, but you found yourself realizing that you didn’t really care.

'That's one hell of an internship' was the first thing you thought, and you laughed at yourself for it.

When you zoned back in to what was going on, Heeseung was ending what you figured was a short speech about him taking over, and you clapped along with the rest of the crowd.

His eyes met yours and you swore there was relief on it when he saw you let out a "whoo" along with a few others.

Heeseung steps down from the podium, taking a few hands that were held out to him, giving handshakes and responding to comments from men in high up positions.

You were called to the kitchen to pack up the few pastries that weren't needed, and the loud conversing of voices faded with the closing of the door.

You smiled giddily at yourself while transferring tarts to boxes.

'I can't believe I'm dating the new CEO'

Wait-

We're you dating the new CEO? Technically you'd never gone on a date or at least one that you called a date. And he had never asked you to be his significant other. But you kissed? Multiple times.

"What is going on in that pretty brain of yours?"

You almost dropped the tart in your hand you were so surprised by the voice. A quick look reveals the person that had you so zoned out in the first place.

"You were thinking so hard it looked like smoke was about to come out of your ears"

You can't help but laugh at his words, finally continuing your actions of packing up the food and thinking up a lie.

"Just thinking about how my little intern became CEO in a week," worry crossed his face, but it disappeared immediately when you continued, "you must have been an AMAZING intern"

He laughs and moves next to you to help.

"So I might have lied a little bit"

"A little bit?"

You raise your eyebrows at him and he corrects himself with a laugh.

"Okay it was kinda big, but I just didn't want you to treat me different or anything"

He gives you his big doe eyes as you place the last pastry in the box, sealing it up to be taken to your car.

"Hee, you know I'm not mad right?"

"Really?"

"Yeah"

He smiles, and you realize too late why he's coming closer to you, your feet leaving the floor as he spins you around.

"Hee, Hee, stop" you laugh out, and he finally puts you back on the ground.

"Okay, so you don't hate me"

You cup his face, leaning in until your noses are almost touching.

"Correct, I don't hate you"

"Then in that case," he backs up and you pout at the increased distance.

He takes your hands in his, looking at you in a way that has your knees about ready to collapse.

"Would you want to be, my official official, girlfriend?"

You giggle at how he seemed to have the perfect timing, pulling on his hands to finally plant a soft kiss on his lips.

"I would love to"

Part II

[whitestaghere]

War, peace and love - Edmund Pevensie x reader

Hey there~ it's been a while and decided I should write something new. So here it is! Thought I should try something new so, angst with a little bit of fluff at the end. Hope you all enjoy!! ❤️✌🏻

"You are such.. AN IDIOT," Edmund pushed my shoulder making me stumble backwards, widening my eyes in shock at what he just did. "DID YOU WANT TO DIE?!"

Pushing him back I scowled at him, "I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'RE SO BOTHERED ABOUT THIS! AS FAR AS I REMEMBER IT, YOU WEREN'T BOTHERED ABOUT ME YESTERDAY?!" taking in a breath I continued, "YOU KNOW WHAT?! YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME!!"

He pushed my limits this time. He was the cause of this heated argument, why everything had to go wrong for me.

>>> Flashback <<<

Everything was happening so fast.

Susan nearly falling to death, but thank God for Trumpkin being there. Lucy gone in search of Aslan. Edmund, Peter, Caspian and I, on the battle field alongside the narnians. It was a fight to death and victory against the Telmarines.

I reminded myself to thank Capsian, for always pushing me to work better with the sword. Hours and hours of training brought me some luck here. Apart from the fact that a Telmarine swordsman nearly took my head off. Only for Edmund to swing in just in time. He did that of course, not forgetting to glare at me and mumbling curse words under his breath.

Simply. He hated me, I hated him.

Edmund was completely against me coming on the battlefield. Saying I wouldn't be of any use and that I would run away pathetically. That making Caspian and Peter change their minds, being scared that they would put my life at risk. Then there's me, this was what I was training so hard for. I was not going to give in just like that! Not forgetting that, I wanted to prove Edmund otherwise.. and just to piss the boy off too, I managed to change the high king and prince's minds.

And where did this rivalry begin?

To be honest. I don't even know.

He just decided to pick on me, hate me. And I had enough of being weak. And in no time, I began to give him the cold shoulder too. Susan and Lucy saying it was just "a phase". I didn't care. I had enough of his attitude, looking down at me constantly and having to say something bad about everything I do.

Back to the battle.

Everything was happening so fast. Taking down one Telmarine just for another to, throws themselves at you. My legs were aching, heart beating rapidly, mind racing. Running across the field I blocked a sword swinging at Peter.

Peter signalling me to duck he blocked a swordsman, this time behind me.

Turning back to face me, he grinned, "thank you for that." The smile of his fading away just as more Telmarines headed towards us.

Nodding my head at him we continued fighting side by side. Suddenly I bumped into someone. The force pushing me off my feet. Stumbling backwards, I met the hard ground.

I whinced in pain and let out a yelp right after, feeling a much larger force on my body. Opening my eyes my heart began to speed at an inhuman pace.

Edmund.

Out of all the people it had to be him.

Eyes closed and eyebrows furrowed, he let out a groan. I widened my eyes in instant panic the second his eyes shot open, connecting his gaze with mine. If my eyes weren't playing tricks on me, I saw a hint of red tint his cheeks. But before I had time to process the situation I could hear my name being called out.

"ED! N/N! WATCH OUT!" Capsian shouted, running towards us.

Looking behind Edmund's figure a Telmarine stood holding his sword mid air, prepared to get Edmund. Immediately, I pushed Edmund off me. Picking up my sword I blocked him just in time.

A piercing pain in my side, and I get kicked back down. Letting out a shriek in pain I held the place I got stabbed. Backing up, and facing the Telmarine behind me, I tried to retrieve my discarded sword.

It was out of my reach and everything was just getting way too blurry.

"Y/N!" I could make out Edmund's figure fighting off the swordsman in front of me.

I could hear voices calling out my name, but couldn't seem to focus. But no, I couldn't give up just like this. I had to get up. Using all the energy left in my body, I grabbed my sword and continued fighting. The rest of it all going in blur, maybe it was just the pain, or for the fact that Caspian and Peter kept trying to cover for me.

But when the Telmarines began to flee and Lucy had come along with Aslan just in time to block them, exhaustion and pain decided to take over.

And the last thing I heard was someone calling my name and my vision went black.

>>> end of flashback <<<

Lucy had rushed in to the scene, acting fast with her healing cordial. The others relieved that I was fine, but all except for one. And that was Edmund.

That leaves us here. In this heated argument.

"YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME!"

He let out an annoyed sigh, "YOU TRIED TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR ME! AND WHAT WAS I DOING? I HAD TO SIT THEIR LIKE A COWARD!!"

Letting out a fake laugh, I rolled my eyes at him. I can't believe him, he's still so full of himself.

"That's all you care about huh? Yourself. I'm beginning to see why I hate you so much!"

At this, his eyes were filled with anger. The expression on his face, nothing but bewildered. Making his way upto me he grabbed my shoulder.

"What. did. you. say?" he said through gritted teeth boring his eyes into the side of my head.

Glaring back at him I pushed his hand off my shoulder. "You care only about yourself," I repeated in the same tone as his. Letting out a laugh of frustration he ruffled his hair.

"Really Y/N? Is that how you think of me?"

Not missing the sudden softness in his voice I raised my eyebrows in confusion. Boy does he have moodswings.

"Hmm? You think I'm selfish? That-that I care only about.. myself?" he held his index finger at his chest.

The change in his nature confused me to the fullest. Never had he ever been like this in front of me. Why is he like this all of a sudden? Maybe he's just trying to trick me and make me accept that he was right. But I couldn't grasp why is the softness in his voice breaking me?

"Y/N?" his voice was becoming a little stern. I tried to avoid his gaze. Something in me couldn't bare to look into his eyes. Placing a hand on my cheek gently, he turned me to face him.

My face began to heat up instantly, due to the close proximity and for the instant skinship.

There came the guilt. The look on his face breaking me. He looked so sad. He was hurt. And I was the reason behind it. A part of me wished I could take back the words I said. The other part of me, questioning why I'm being affected by this when he's treated me like this the entire time.

"Edmund I-"

"You think I don't care??! Well for your information, I care about my siblings, the Narnians, Caspian! Why do you think I even fought in this war, in the first place?! It's because I care! I could just leave, say I want to go home! But no! I care! I care about my parents! I care.. I care about you..." his voice cracked.

He wasn't making this any easier for me.

I was taken back by the switch in his moods, the sudden "I care about you" and I just didn't know what to say.

Not wasting a second Edmund turned around leaving the room. All I could do was watch him leave. I wanted to stop him, but I was afraid I would say something stupid and make things even worse. Sitting down I ran a hand through my hair.

"Well, that was new.."

Switching my gaze from the floor I saw Peter walking in slowly. I sighed looking away.

"You should talk to him.."

"I-I don't know Pete.."

"What do you mean you don't know?" he sat down next to me. I could feel his eyes lingering on my face.

"I don't know how to face him. I-I don't get why he's like this... and funny part is.. I-I think I hurt him," tears began to blur my vision the second I said those words. Peter wrapped an arm around my shoulder, rubbing my arm up and down gently.

"He does care you know.."

I rubbed my eyes furiously turning around to face him, "then why was he always picking on me? It didn't seem like he cared then?"

Peter let out a low breath, "Ed doesn't really tell people how he feels.. not even with us, he refuses to show his emotions. Most of the time he's cold as ice on the outside.. aaand," he dragged. "Is pretty stubborn.. I guess you could say that's how he protects himself.."

"Protects himself?" I tiled my head in confusion.

"From the world. From getting hurt. He pushes people away thinking they would hurt him. And he's always thought less about himself.."

"I would never.." I mumbled under my breath. But Peter heard it loud and clear, nodding his head "I know.."

"But he does care about you.. so much," Peter looked at me, his gaze soft. Nodding my head I let out a sigh.

"Thank you Pete."

He gave me a soft reassuring smile and gestured me to go after Edmund.

I knew what I had to do now. Running out of the room I set a pace through the Palace. Stopping here and there in order to find out if anyone had seen Edmund.

Maybe things were complicating between Edmund and I. I had to cover the hurt I felt, the feelings I had all this time but now... now I needed to clear everything, make things right between us.

Finding myself in the hall I ran a hand through my hair in frustration, eyes darting everywhere. Where had this boy gone off to?

Turning around I saw a familiar figure standing at the balcony. It didn't take me more than a second to recognise that it was him.

Lifting up my gown I ran upto him. His back was facing me, so I cleared my throat to grab his attention. Spinning around almost immediately, my eyes connected with his warm brown ones.

And without a word he turned around once again.

"Ed.."

No response.

"Ed," I walked closer to him only for him to step away from me.

"Ed please.. look at me."

He was clearly ignoring me.

"Well I hope you'll listen to what I'm about to say.." I took in a long breath, "look, I'm sorr-"

He turned around instantly cutting me off, "oh so now you're sorry?"

Trying my best not to roll my eyes at his antics I looked down at my hands. "I-I didn't know.."

"Didn't know what? Oh wait I get it! Now you think I'm pathetic huh?"

I looked back at him with disbelief. Was he really doing this? Again? He wants to stir up another argument. Unbelievable. But, I didn't have it in me to get mad at him. I wanted to sort this out, so I shook my head in an attempt to not let his words get to me.

"I didn't say that."

"Hmm.. then what are you trying to say Y/N? Tell me."

Trying my best to avoid his gaze I gulped.

"I don't need your apologies."

"Look I didn't mean what I said back there. I was just mad and stressed with the whole situation.."

He scoffed looking away.

"I just... I don't understand why you hate me so much. What did I do? Where-where did things go wrong?"

This time he looked at me raising his eyebrows. But he said nothing. He just stood there, gaze fixed on the floor with an unreadable expression.

"Ed.." his gaze still fixed on the ground.

I took a step closer to him, but he didn't budge. Just stood there. The silence was just unbearable.

Not sure what to do or say, I stood there watching him. The air surrounding us, a mixture of tension and awkwardness.

Observing his face, I realised how different he was. How tall he had gotten. How the freckles sprayed at the bridge of his nose. How soft his hair looked, my fingers tingling with an urge to brush my hands through it. How his lips were a peachy pink, almost like he had tinted it with gloss.

I hadn't noticed how much he had changed over the years. My face began to heat up for the second time that day, and I averted my gaze.

Glancing at him once again it was like a flame lit inside me. And the next second I did something that I never dreamt of doing.

My body decided to act on it's own. Mindlessly I stepped closer to him, standing on my toes I placed my hand on his face.

"Y/N?" confusion laced in his voice but I was too caught up in the moment to really respond to him.

My gaze flicked from his eyes to his lips and there you have it. I brushed my lips on his momentarily.

His body tensed in my grip, eyes wide open and pupils expanding to the fullest.

Pulling away from him I let out a shaky breath. But when I looked at Edmund and the look on his face, I widened my eyes in realisation. What have I done?! What was I thinking? How could I be such a fool?! All I could think about is how the boy in front of me could be hating me even more now. I just wanted to make things right between us, but I let my feelings take the upper hand. And now.. I expected the worse.

I turned away from him placing my hand on my lips unconsciously. Even though it was just for a second, I missed the feeling of his lips already.

Next thing I know, Edmund grabbed my arm and yanked me towards him. I was afraid of what he was going to say, what he was going to do, to meet his gaze. But instead without a word, he pulled me into a hug. Arms wrapped around my waist he pulled me closer sighing.

Something about this made me feel so comfortable in his arms. I wanted to scream. My heart thumping against my chest, I slowly hugged him back.

"I'm sorry.." he sighed.

"I'm sorry for being an idiot. For being a coward."

"You're not a coward," I mumbled.

"But I am.. I'm sorry for being so hard on you all these years. But can I just ask you something? To clarify. So that what I'm going to say next won't leave me having to run away in embarrassment?"

I hummed in response.

"D-do you like me?"

My body stiffened. Wait. Is this heading to where I think it's heading?

"I-I.."

"Because I do."

My eyes widened at this. Pulling away from his embrace I looked at him in shock. Is he being serious? I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was so unbelievable, to the point that I had to pinch myself just to make sure I was not dreaming.

"You.. you what?"

"I know it's hard to believe. But I do."

"But.. you.. you"

Rubbing the nape of his neck he smiled nervously. Clearing his throat he closed his eyes.

"I didn't like it.. I didn't like you getting involved in all of this.. I didn't want you coming to narnia either, because I didn't want to risk your life. You've always tried to save me. Even when we were kids. And I could never do the same, that leading me to thinking you might consider me a coward. The others were fine with you coming along, even if I said no and I just wanted to stop you. Stop you from coming with us to battle and hurting yourself. And I let that happen."

I looked at him.

He opened his eyes gaze locking with mine he released a shaky breath, "I pushed you away, in order for you to actually give in and stay on the safe side. But that.. that made me nearly lose you.." he took a breath, "and I was scared.. so scared, that you wouldn't feel the same. Specially when you began to avoid me. It was fair of course, after what I put you through. I was afraid I'd end up getting hurt, so I wanted to brush off all feelings and instead treated you badly again."

He took my hands in his, "I don't expect you to forgive me, but I'm sorry. It was fair that you treated me that way.. but I just want you to know, that.. that.." he struggled. "ASLAN! I LIKE YOU!" he shouted. "I like you.. so so much."

I couldn't help but giggle and look in awe. I was at a loss of words. Not getting a reply from me, he sighed pulling away only for me to hold him back.

"Ed.. of course I forgive you. And I'm sorry for everything I said too. I understand how you feel.."

He smiled at me softly but that was soon replaced by a mixture of emotions, hard to explain. That's when it struck me. All this care. All this blushing and constant glances. The instant comfort I felt being in his arms. It wasn't just me being hurt over him hating on me all these years. I wanted things to be okay between us, I wanted to get closer to him. This side of him, I had never seen it before, but now it explains. What I was craving to see from him. I liked him too.

"I-I.. Ed?"

He hummed in response, eyes exploring my face.

"I like you too.." At once a smile wiped across his face. He came closer to me with our hands still intertwined together.

"Sorry I didn't get that. Could you please repeat it?" he brought his ear closer and wiggled his eyebrows teasingly.

Pushing him away and hiding my face in my hands I squealed.

Laughing he took my hands back in his and pulled me towards him. "You like me too?"

I nodded my head shyly. He chuckled moving in closer and brushing his lips against mine. Pulling away just for a second he whispered, "you would not believe how happy I am.." he leaned back in, connecting our lips together.

Wrapping my arms around his torso he cupped my face. Tilting his head Edmund smiled into the kiss. Pulling away once again he leaned his forehead against mine not before pecking my nose. I giggled.

"FINALLY!" Apparently, we had an audience. An audience of one though. "Shouldn't I be getting a little credit here?" Peter smirked. Edmund rolled his eyes. Looking at eachother we broke into a fit of giggles.

Third person's pov

And there they stood; in eachother's embrace, eyes filled with adoration and a love blossoming within them. The war replaced now with that of peace and love.

Well this turned out rather long than expected 😂 I really found this fun to write and I hope you all enjoy reading it!

Love you all, stay safe and happy holidays! ❤️

[weabooweedwitch]

People with narcissism don't accept blame for things becaue a) the idea that they're imperfect or have made a mistake causes them intense shame and b) they lack empathy for the people around them and don't genuinely care about how their behavior impacts others. It sounds like generally your mom is more interested in getting herself out of the hot seat than actually addressing any issues you're having which must be super frustrating to deal with :(

I just, I dunno I'm on the fence because like, she really has tried to do a lot for me? Working hard to support me and my sister growing up, fighting to try and get me good doctors and try different medicines, taking me to therapy, all sorts of stuff, and I think, I dunno, if she really had NPD would she have done all that for me?

But then you compare that to "one time when I was a minor I got mad and told my mom that after I told my therapist a lot about her that they agreed she was abusive and now she doesn't want me seeing that therapist anymore because 'they don't have a right to speak to me about her like that'" and it's. Conflicting, you know. I remember there were times growing up where I felt like, at least I was feeling hurt enough to feel like, that her love was conditional, depending on me obeying her and agreeing with her, and that she cared more about me listening to her than what I wanted to do

Like you can tell her no and she'll ask a few more times in differently aggressive ways rather than just give up? Just to wear you down? I literally had a therapist tell me "yeah, she straight up badgers you until you feel too bad to say no". Like she would literally text me saying to get her a glass of water saying she had a headache. She has fibromyalgia so on and off or depending on the meds these headaches could be CONSTANT. And I get she couldn't help it but these texts for extremely small, minor favors were nonstop. I grew up like one of those kids whose parents call them in from the other room to fetch them the remote that's just slightly out of reach.

And I'd say "mom these tasks are genuinely so small that it makes me upset you want me to completely drop what I'm doing and do them for you" nd she would just quip back something like "its such an easy thing to do, why won't you do it for me" and she literally still does this to this day and to be honest sometimes she'll start saying "hey can you do me a fav--" and I interrupt her mid sentence because I've told her, I've literally honest to God told her, to never ask me for any favors besides like chores because she has asked me for so much over the years that her asking me literally anything can make me absolutely furious

And of course she still does it. And of course it's always stupid bullshit she can do herself but just doesn't want to. Its like I'm being fucking obedience-tested? And I don't think she realizes I'm legitimately, legitimately, as much as it hurts to say, losing the ability to love her? I just look at her sometimes and I just feel. Such anger and disappointment. Such disappointment. Did I, uh, ever tell you guys I basically don't speak to my sister anymore, and it's partially because I just can't deal with both her and my mom right now.

Like, back on track I guess but, I dunno i don't think she completely lacks empathy but there's something wrong here. Years ago when me, my mom, my sister, and my grandmother were all under the same roof we would kind of all tell her "yeah mom you DO do this thing/hurt our feelings/made a mistake" and she would just say we were ganging up on her? Literally saying "you're ganging up on me"

Anyways I'm just. Burnt out. I always have to yield to her and if I don't then it's harder on me. But I'm losing so much respect for myself and my own autonomy when I'm just constantly having to just bowl over because it's easier than setting boundaries. It's bad enough to be mentally ill and think so poorly of yourself or think your opinions don't matter, but the pain of a parent enforcing that is just... it's a lot. She tells me she loves me but I can only speculate how much, you know 😔

[2badshewonteatacookie]

HOW TO STOP BINGING

Hey guys,

I see a lot of people who are struggling with binge eating in this Community. And I don't mean the "oh I ate over 1000 calories" binging, I mean the 3.000 -over 10.000 calories binging.

My Story : I always had a fast metabolism and was always the skinny girl who would eat a lot. Then I discoverd the pro-ana community and I thought I could become even skinnier, so I started restricting, but I always stayed over 1000 calories. I lost a lot of weight people where concerned and always commenting on how skinny and unhealthy I looked blablabla, I loved it. But then I would have these cravings and I would eat a lot, so I got back to my starting weight, over the years it got worse because I would try to restrict during the week and always binge on the weekend. Holidays where the worst, because I had no routine and would binge every day. Last year I finshed high school and started a gap year in the USA and maybe going to the US with binge eating disorder was the worst Idea of my life. In the last 8 month I gained over 22 lbs /10 kg. A lot of shit happend at home and I wasn't there, so I would eat my feelings, I would stay in bed for weeks and eat 10 whole meals a day until I thought I would die from a heart attack because I ate so much. I have a 9 to 5 job in an Office right now, so I dont move a lot. Most days I get up go to Work and have lunch, go back home have dinner, eat a lot of Snacks watch TV go to bed. But since a few weeks I am binge free, I still eat too much and not healthy all the time, but it's getting better slowly and I already lost some Weight. So here are my things that help me.

🌻Accept it.

You have Binge eating disorder, Yeah it sucks, and it's gonna happen again! Nothing sucks more than having this anorexic beauty standart /goal in your head, but binge eating at the same time. But this is where we are right now, so accept it. And dont promise yourself to never binge again, this will put you under pressure and you will most likley binge again! Promise yourself to get better.

🥗 Eat healthy.

All this processed food will lead to more cravings and wont make you full. Also healthy food is lower in calories, more nutrional and will make you feel better.

📺 Eat mindful.

Don't eat in front of any media. If you have time prepare your food and eat slowly. I used to eat every meal while watching something on my Phone, to the point where I couldnt watch something without craving food. Yeah eating in silence is boring but it will stop you from over eating. Also dont eat in your room!

🕛Eat regulary

Try to eat at the same time every Day. That doesnt mean you have to eat exactley at 12pm but try to eat around that time. What Works for me is having 3 big meals a day. But there are so many options like 3 meals two snacks etc. Just try to have a routine. It helps especially when you have trouble knowing when you are hungry or full. I try not to eat after 7pm because I know that thats mostly emotional /binge eating. And dont freak out if something unplanned is happening and you can't eat at that certain time. Its ok thats life. Try again tomorrow.

👭Eat with friends.

Especially when you feel like binging. Call a friend, do a sleepover. Eating with others will stop you from eating like a pig. Maybe you will still overeat but at least not until your stomache hurts.

😴 Get enough sleep.

If you lack of sleep your body is trying to get the energy from food, so you will eat more. Try to get 7-9 hours every night. And have a certain bedtime. I had most of my binges after 10pm but if you sleep you can't eat!

🏡 Get out of the house.

If you are at home it's easier to binge. No one is watching you and you have all the food around you. Try to have something to do every Day. Meet with friends, get a hobby. Even if you have work to do, do it somewhere else like the libary.

🙅Avoid Stress.

Bad feelings like stress will lead to binging. If you have a big project to do and you don't know how to start and you procastinate, that will lead to guild and stress. Start early, ask for help, prepare for a binge. Dont let other people Stress you, especially family members love to tell you how many things you should be doing and how far you are behind and how easy it is to do All of this. Its ok, breathe, especially with Depression and an eating disorder it often feels like you are stuck in life and everyone else figured it out. Its not like that! Your trying! As long as you keep trying you are not stuck!!!

👸Don't compare yourself to others!!!!

This is maybe the most improtant one. Dont compare yourself, yes there are people where it seems like there are perfect, they have all this energy and they are good in everything. But who cares? They are not you, you should only compare yourself with yourself. Everything else will make you feel like you can never do it and you will never be good enough. But if you only Focus on your own progress you will get happy and stay motivated.

🐢 Be slow.

Yes I know we all want to see change as soon as possible. But change takes time. Think about where you would be right now if you made slow but constant progress?! Yeah we see all these people who eat under 1000 calories exercise every day and have straight A's. But you tried that right? It worked for a week and then you binge again. Dont overwhelm yourself Start slow. Start with one challange a week. Set yourself realistic Goals. For example exercise 4 times a week. Thats your goal for the week nothing else. You could stay in bed all Day and eat, as long as you exercise 4 times a week. It works, I promise you wont stay in bed all Day, but if your brain thinks you could then it doesnt feel like restricting and you wont binge. Its So weird but the Moment you tell yourself Im gonna binge again and it's ok, you are less likley to binge. The mindset, I never gonna binge again, is the most dangerous.

⭐Dont be a fucking perfectionist!

I told myself so many times Im gonna eat healthy and then I would eat one drop of olive oil and be like fuck it now Im gonna eat 10.000 calories of junk! There are so many diffrend ways to reach your goal! Not this one perfect way. And even the most perfect people are not always perfect. You dont have to be perfect to reach your goal!!!!!!!! Slow progress!!!! Kill your All or nothing mindest!!

🍕Enjoy your binge.

If you are about to binge, keep calm, Trink some water. Call a friend, prepare your binge food, try to make it more healthy,for example vegan junk food or stuff like hummus and Avocado, wich are tasty and high in calories but healthy. Binging on more healthy food will make you feel better than binging on McDonalds and your skin is not going to break out, also it is hader to eat as many calories with healthy food. Enjoy the food, dont just swallow it!

🚫Dont restrict the day after!

It seems so logic right? I binge, now Im gonna starve the next Day. But this will ALWAYS lead to another binge. Dont skip meals! Move on as if nothing happend!

🤸Learn to fill the void

Lets be honest there are only 2 reason why we binge,1. You don't eat enough and your body is trying to get the nutrition. And 2. you're trying to feel better. Tasty food is releasing Dopamin and we feel good, at least while we are eating. But after you binge you feel disgusting and like a failure. So you have to find something else to fill that void. I read once that for every Bad habit you want to break you need 5 good habits. So find something that makes you happy. Start your Day dancing to your favourite songs. Meet with friends. Exercise. Watch your favourite Show without any distraction. Draw. Masturbate :) whatever makes you happy.

🌈Stay motivated.

Remember, progress is slow. Sometimes you wont see any change, your brain will tell you it's not worth it and to just give up. Remember why you started. Keep a tumblr with stuff that inspires and motivates you, but don’t compare yourself with others! Search for people who have the same problems it's not a race, be Kind to each other motivate each other. And don’t use your whole energy for this one goal, focuse on other things in life, time will go faster that way. Dont search for change in the morrior everyday! You got this!

🍑Hope this helps someone. If you have more Tips please share. If you have questions ask me and if you want to chat, message me.

Sorry for my spelling btw.

[sparklessswift]

19 Things I've Learned in 2019

1. “The desire for positive experience is itself a negative experience. And paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience.” — Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck)

I always thought that "How To Be Happy" things on the internet are true and those things can really change your life if you will try to do so. But while reading this book, I've realized that it's not. That the irony behind thinking of ways to be happy and positive just reminds us of what we are not and of what things we failed to have that we've always wanted. The more we try searching for ways on how to be happy, the more we can't attain happiness.

2. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your choices and decisions.

I've learned that you are the only one who's accountable for everything that you choose to do, for every thoughts that you entertain and for every decisions that you make. The quality of your life is shaped on whatever you want it to be. Whenever you feel like you're carrying a huge amount of emotional baggage, it's because you chose to carry it anyway. You chose to entertain the melancholia, you chose to let it enter your life. Do not blame your situation or even other people. Change the way you see things, make good decisions and choices and the quality of your life will be better.

3. Music is a form of enlightenment towards our true emotions.

I found out that longing to hear sad songs that we can relate to whenever we are feeling sad isn't a sign of tolerating sadness, it means we are trying to fill the gap between what we know and what we feel. Finding the perfect song that explains exactly the way we feel helps us figure out the right words to describe our current emotion. It makes us feel that we are not the only one in the world who's suffering. It's relieving to be so connected to a song that you feel as though, it was written for you.

4. Forgiveness is a nice thing to do.

There are times when we feel as though, people and even ourselves are not worthy to be forgiven and that no amount of apology will cease the burning fire. But one thing I do learned this year is that, forgiveness means letting go. Do yourself a favor and let go of the bad memories, what's important is that you took it as a learned lesson. Let go of the grudges that you kept for so long, it will give you a peace of mind. Let go of the idea that forgiving without hearing an apology is not necessary in life, it is. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you've done in life and forgive those people who have hurt you as well. Release the pain by forgiving so you can finally move on.

5. Self loathe is the most toxic form of hate.

I've learned that there is nothing more toxicating in life than hating your own existence and body. It's like badly wanting a poisonous thing even when you know it is bad for you. It's like loving the lyrics to Taylor Swift's song "ME!" because it radiates self-love but there's always a cringeworthy feeling whenever you sing the words "I'm the only one of me, baby that's the fun of me" because you can't feel the message it conveys. And it feels like, no amount of motivation from other people can cure the poison in you. I know it's easier said than done but remember that only you can free yourself from self loathing so might as well start appreciating small things about yourself and sooner or later you will realize that it's fun to be the only one of you.

6. Being 18 is challenging. While it may be true that each year has its own challenge, being 18 is quite different. It's the time when your mind starts forming questions about life, existence, and future. It's like a climax to your own story, exciting as it may seem but it contains setbacks, challenges and a hundred thousand pieces of inspirations needed in order to thrive harder. In order to believe that you can pursue your dream of reaching the happily ever after.

7. Appreciate high school moments while they last. Realizing how fast the time has flown after my journey in high school is something I wish I was ready for. Funny how we're so attached to a moment from the past (e.g. graduation) that everytime we remember it, there's this bubble of thoughts appearing in our heads with the line “it felt like yesterday” and it feels so bittersweet. If there's one thing I can teach the other generations, it is to always appreciate each moment while it lasts. After all, moments will become memories that will forever be stuck in our head so might as well enjoy your high school life and make good memories out of it.

8. We are all temporary in everyone else's lives and that's normal. It feels relieving when you realize that each person that we meet has a temporary role in our lives. We are bound to lose connection with someone whom we thought will never leave us, we're bound to cut ties with people who are not good for us, and we're bound to be left behind or leave not because we want to but because we just crossed paths with each other, we aren't really travelling the same path not as what we thought we are. Learn how to appreciate someone's presence and learn how to accept someone's absence.

9. Do not drown yourself in the thought that internet validation is important. It is definitely okay to dump the idea that you're living in the wrong generation if you think likes/reactions, comments and shares are not important. Most people today still haven't come to realize that the internet has not just open-sourced information, it has also open-sourced insecurity, self-doubt, and shame. And we have to open our minds about it. Life is happier the moment you realize that you should not give a damn about what other people think of your posts.

10. Do not jump on hate trends in social media just because it's in. Cancel culture has made a noise in the internet this year and suddenly everyone are bragging their freedom of speech because they are jumping on the bandwagon (or should I say, we're? 😂) But one thing I do learned from all the hate trends is to be discerning. This is the best time you can practice cherry-picking and only utter a word when you think you really need to or when you think it is appropriate to do so. Just as Taylor Swift said, “You just need to take several seats and then try to restore the peace and control your urges to scream about all the people you hate”.

11. Being attached to someone does not mean you're into that person. Attachment is way too different than love and even infatuation. It needs not to be stereotyped. Sometimes all you have to do is to give yourself the benefit of the doubt about how you feel and you will realize the true value of a person to you.

12. The hardest struggle in life that we can ever experience is something that is related with our family. Indeed home is where the heart is. Family is our major source of inspiration and it can also be our major source of distraction whenever there are unforeseen circumstances going on. And I think dealing with those circumstances is the hardest struggle to face because there will always be a pain in your chest wherever you go that is inevitable. The pain that lies deep within you but bleeds through the surface of your body that you can't hide.

13. College is way too different than high school and you should be ready for it. Of course, culture shock will always be there the moment you enter college. You will start comparing high school and college in every single details, you will randomly reminisce high school memories while walking in the hallway and you will remember how easy passing the exams and getting high grades back then. In my first semester in college, I've learned that you will never survive if you are ill-spirited, proscrastinator, lazy and weak student. I've learned that college is survival and in survival, you should not come with unnecessary gears. I'm sorry Taylor Swift but in college, you should not bring a knife to a gun fight.😃

14. It's okay to have few friends atleast they are real. Making friends is hard and no one can convince me otherwise. People's intentions to you are confusing nowadays and it's hard to trust another set of new people. I've realized that the amount of friends has nothing to do about how you enjoy your life. What's important is that you have friends who are honest as the day is long.

15. Listen more, say less. This year I've learned the value of lending ears to those who are in need of it and even to situations that require much understanding before saying an opinion to avoid any conflict.  Do not be easily carried away by your emotions to the extent that you're no longer thinking if what you are going to say is appropriate to the situation. On the other hand, there are times that people who are venting out their problems do not need any piece of advice, what they need is someone who is understanding enough to spend time listening to their rants.

16. Things that are gonna make your life more interesting are things that you should say yes to. — Taylor Swift

Progress doesn't come in the blink of an eye. You need to challenge yourself to do new things in order to make a progress. It is even more okay to step out of your comfort zone sometimes in order to grow. Life will be more interesting when you accept challenges with conviction.

17. Follow accounts on social media who are good for your mental health. Do yourself a favor and start unfollowing accounts that triggers your anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt. Your feed should only contain things that motivates you and people that inspires you to be like them. It should not be a place to start who-did-it-better or who's-best-at-life competitions.

18. Acceptance takes time. I have learned that it is okay to still question things that happened to you 6 years ago. It's okay to still cry everytime it pops up in your head, it's okay if you are not a hundred percent healed and it's okay to have a mind with not enough understanding about the situations that you've been to even if it happened a long time ago. God put you there for a reason. You have to keep in mind that acceptance has no definitive time frame. Healing doesn't wait for you to be ready for it. It will just happen.

19. Procrastination can ruin your goals in life.

There will be no further explanation, there will just be procrastination. 😎

[daethelflaed]

it's sad boi hours local time, so I'll respond to your anon ask thing

I'm lonely, but (ugh, but) every time I enter a relationship I can't bare myself to the other. At a certain point, I fail. I need to be better, and I can't possibly accept their positive opinion of me. Which is a bit of a problem as (if I'm being quite honest) I'm easy to love.

Additionally (sorry), I fear sex and it's surrounding ephemera. I worry, always, that I'm somehow impure or unworthy to engage in anything like that, and that I'm too weak (morally) to engage in that sort of thing with another. I'm a bit of a fool, and I hope someday that can change. That I can find someone who can complete me in a way I haven't felt, and me to them.

Someone with an appreciation for literature, symbolism, wordplay, a positive outlook on life, and other shit. I'm bad, and I'll always try to reach the unachievable ideal of perfection because that's important, but I hope that I'll let someone in someday. Or at least be able to talk to someone about all this dumb shit rattling around my brain instead of dumping it on the internet, under the aegis of anonymity.

Anyhoo, you're wonderful, I apologize for the rambling, and I hope you have a great day.

💚📖💚

Sorry to hear that you’re lonely, that shit hurts.

With regards to opening up to the people you date, it’s important that they act in a way that makes you feel comfortable enough to open up - if they’re not able to do that, you’re gonna struggle regardless. Maybe you haven’t found the right person yet who can coax you out of your shell. I appreciate you’re frustrated and feel it’s a shortcoming, and (easier said than done) it might help to view it as an obstacle to find ways to work around as opposed to a personal failure. It’s not that you “need to be better”, it’s that there is something internal that could really help you feel more fulfilled if you unravel it. I feel your pain though, loneliness is bad but when someone is there in front of you and you struggle to connect with them, it can really feel like there is something wrong with you. I’m getting to grips with my own issues relating to this lately, and I think I’m getting somewhere with it - I have no doubt you will too. You know you’re easy to love, so the next point is feeling it, not just knowing - the only things I know of that help that process are time, affirmation, and paying attention. Who and what makes you feel you’re easy to love? Zero in on it.

A relationship to sex is a very personal and usually messy relationship to have, I think most people I know have some kind of complex or issue with self esteem when it comes to sex. So you’re definitely not alone in feeling these things. It seems to me like if you are able to open up to someone emotionally in the way you wish to, this may follow. Unfortunately there’s not a lot of advice I feel I’m qualified to give here but I hope it’s helped to get it off your chest.

I have a huuuge gripe personally with the pursuit of perfection, in my experience it only serves to keep you looking towards a future that doesn’t exist and stay feeling bad about yourself in real time. Self improvement I find important, but you’re very much worthy of love and acceptance, closeness and connection as you are. I have a lot more to say about this but I’d rather not lecture you.

Thank you for opening up here! It might not be exactly what you’re aiming for but it’s certainly something. We have a saying where I come from - better owt than nowt. Better anything than nothing.

I sincerely hope you find someone patient and appreciative you can grow with ❤️ have a lovely day