#abusepoems

[shewritestheyread]

Trauma

Rage knows the edges of my pain

like the ocean knows the edges of the shore

a wave crashes

I'm drowning again

time stills like water

after a storm

as the tide pulls me in

[voicesintulips]

cut my head beg my body             for forgiveness you've misused my femininity             as property forcing me,             not loving me rushing me             to leave me behind dressed in red you've cut my head - voices in tulips

[manveenkohli]

Being in lockdown with your abuser is one of the most frightening things in the world. From the core of my soul, I hope that victims of abuse are being supported and kept safe. Seeking help, particularly during such a turbulent time, is not easy. Spread love. Compassion. Positivity. Kindness. We need it now more than ever.

[theforgottengirl95-blog]

Winged Eyeliner

I don’t wear winged eyeliner anymore  It’s been two years now  And I still hurt straight down to my core 

I still look over my shoulder everywhere I go Every grey minivan that drives by makes my heart stop It’s been two years now though  And I still fear that he’s coming for me where ever I go 

I can’t go food shopping without having your list mentally in my head  I still hear your rules rattling in my head  Buy the right stuff or you will get in trouble  Only one glass of soda per day  Only one piece of chocolate a day  Don’t wear anything that doesn’t cover your butt  No sweets before dinner  I was treated like a five year old in a 20 year old body  Now, I am healthier than I have ever been  No thanks to you

I came home and pigged out on everything  Everything I was forbidden when I was with you  I worked my hardest to get a better butt  Since mine was never good enough for you 

I went back to school to get my masters  Something you told me I wasn’t allowed to do  I’m going to be a high school teacher now  Something I wasn’t allowed to be 

I still flash back to the dreadful day  The day I tried to leave  I can still feel your body on top of me preventing me from moving  I can still hear all the lies coming from your mouth  I can still feel the fear that flowed through my body that night  After three hours of captivity I finally escaped I couldn’t stop crying  I ran the streets of Delaware with no bra  I left everything behind besides my phone and wallet  And nothing else meant anything to me in that moment  Nothing, besides my freedom 

I still can’t drink alcohol the way I use to  I constantly fear not being enough for anyone  It has taken me three years to build my life back  But every time you reach out to me  It takes me back to that old girl  That old self esteem and mindset

Although my abuse didn’t leave any physical marks  The physiological damage was far worse  Everyone talks about their college friends  These are their friends for life  I on the other hand, have no college friends  I don’t look back  I don’t go back for alumni weekend  I don’t have any good memories of college  Because you stole every single one and replaced it with something horrible 

I dropped the dosage of my anxiety medicine  Because without you, I am not as anxious  I stopped taking my sleeping pills  Because without you, I can sleep in peace  I am not high all the time  Because without you, I don’t need to block out the world 

And yet I can’t help but wonder  Who does your dishes? your laundry?  Who brings you food?  Who cleans your apartment?  Who does your homework?  Who goes to your class when your sick?  I hope whoever it is, doesn’t get treated the way I did 

It took me two years to realize the problem wasn’t me  It was you  And it always will be you  Although you were a monster I hope you are well I hope you are getting the help you need  I hope you realize your mistakes  I hope you changed for someone else  I hope you find happiness  As long as that happiness doesn’t involve anyone else’s pain 

I hope you graduated college  I hope you move out of that horrible apartment  I hope you move on from me  Because I am in a better place now  Now I know how I should be treated   Because of you I am a different person 

I am stronger 

I am a fighter 

I am a survivor 

But still to this day  I don’t wear winged eyeliner 

[lerual]

Me too.

Do you think that maybe one day, it'll be different? That one day I will be able to say, yes, it happened, I was a victim, and now I am a survivor? Do you think that it will become something I share, something I don't shy from? Will it be something that doesn't make me flinch, something that doesn't haunt my sleep?

I hope that the future never holds these experiences for anyone else. But if it does, will I be able to say, I share in your pain, and you are not alone? Will I be able to tell my story, how it happened and why it happened and how it changed me?

All I know for certain is that it's been three years four months and one day and even though I cower less, my eyes still meet only the ground when the topic comes up in conversation. I don't scream in my sleep anymore and I can leave my room.

I feel tainted, but only because the hands that touched me were covered in a disease of the soul. For three years and two months I asked myself everyday: what could I have done differently?

And to myself I say back: my dear, you did nothing wrong. None of us did. I'm proud of how far you've come and how far you will continue to go. You might not be able to share yourself with the world yet, but that's okay, because you are are as whole as ever.