#absolutely love that not one but two k/3/5 vets were like

[luckyricochet]

"He was a clean-cut, handsome, light-complexioned man—not large, but well built. [...] No matter how filthy and dirty everyone was on the battlefield, Hillbilly's face always had a clean, fresh appearance. He was physically tough and hard and obviously morally strong. He sweated as much as any man but somehow seemed to stand above our foul and repulsive living conditions in the field."

Eugene Sledge, With the Old Breed: At Peleliu and Okinawa

"When everybody else was sweating and filthy, Hillbilly always looked fresh scrubbed. None of us knew how he did it."

RV Burgin, Islands of the Damned: A Marine at War in the Pacific

[shellyseashell]

2023 FIC REC LIST

I did this last year, and I thought I’d do it again. To close out 2023, here’s a list of some of my favorite fics I’ve read this year. These aren’t everything, just of course the highlights. If the author has a tumblr, I tried to tag them, but if I missed anyone let me know or feel free to tag them yourself!

WILLOW

did i dream (that we were so perfectly entwined) | General | Tanthamore | One Shot | 8.9k

Jade and Kit, from childhood through season one. Jade’s pov.

Our hardest battles are the oaths we keep by @rehizle28 | Mature | Tanthamore | 7/25 | 50.9k

Jade grows up as a Knight of Galladoorn. When Graydon and Kit are engaged, she travels to Tir Asleen as Graydon’s personal guard. Words cannot describe how much I love this. The pining and shenanigans these two get into is so so good. Kit causes problems on purpose and Jade Cannot figure out what the princess’s deal is. King Hastur is perfectly normal and has Totally Good intentions.

be my mirror (my sword and shield) by @onlyshestandsthere | Explicit | Tanthamore | 30/? | 228k

Bone Reaver Jade helps the Crone’s followers bring Kit to the Immemorial City. Quite easily one of the angstiest fics I have ever read. But for all 100k of angst there’s another 100k of fluff and that’s only vaguely an exaggeration. The magic is absolutely horrifying but it feels totally realistic to what we’ve seen in canon. Jade and Kit both need a hug.

if we’d turned a corner (if i had waited) by @sugarfey | Mature | Tanthamore | 5/? | 13.9k

Soccer au! There’s plenty of angst in this one, but it focuses on the healing. I love everything about this fic. Kit and Jade are so dumb as usual and I love the social media bits.

The Flawless Five, Vol. 1: Rise of the Five | Teen | Gen | 2/6 | 11.9k

Superhero au! It’s silly and goofy and so so much fun to read. I’m really liking the mystery so far, and I’m looking forward to how it unfolds.

Triumph of the Wyrm | Mature | Tanthamore | 3/12 | 13.8k

Series still currently in the first book. Kit successfully runs away, and every attempt to rescue Airk fails. Twenty years later, the world is under the rule of the Wyrm. Kit and Jade work in smuggling, unaware what happened to the other. Until, of course, they end up working together on a job. The world is so so horrifying but so well done. Also, Kit is allies with Sarris the Troll.

Let’s take a knife and cut the world in two by @spybrarian | Mature | Tanthamore | One Shot | 7.9k

Exorcist Jade and possessed Kit! Very angsty. The worldbuilding is very very well done and so so horrifying.

these walls come tumbling down by @onlyshestandsthere | Teen | Tanthamore | 4/? | 28.8k

Vet Jade and Perfectly Normal Human Kit. After Jade hits Kit (as a cat) with her car, she takes it upon herself to take care of her. Told in two timelines, one in Kit’s pov before the accident, and one in Jade’s pov after. I have laughed so much reading this I absolutely adore it.

One Night in October | Teen | Tanthamore | 9/9 | 29.k

Slasher fic! Angsty, mysterious, but it has a bittersweet ending.

Sink or Swim | Mature | Tanthamore | 7/7 | 16k

Lifeguard Jade and disaster Kit. Seriously she is so, so dumb and it is so, so funny.

LEGENDBORN

Rescue | General | Gen | 1/1 | 4k

Valec’s point of view of Chapter 42. I love Valec okay.

A Place at the Table | General | Gen | 1/1 | 7k

Legendborn/Merlin cross over. Basically, Arthur is a lot better than in canon and it’s so nice to read after Bloodmarked.

Beach Day Memory Walk by @justbrainrot | Mature | OT3 | 1/1 | 3.5k

Bree takes Sel and Nick on a memory walk during Sel’s birthday. Super cute and fun.

Mother, Merlin | Mature | Gen | 4/? | 13k

Natasia healing Sel after the events of Bloodmarked. Very very angsty, but also very very good. I love how Natasia is written.

Dancing in the moonlight by @nightworldlove | Teen | Willark | One Shot | 3k

William and Lark dance. Uh. In the moonlight. Very cute one shot.

Sometimes Hunting and Running Blur Together… by @ficnoire2 | Explicit | Other | 4/? | 11.9k

Valec backstory and I absolutely adore it

DESCENDANTS

Yeah I’m pretty sure we’ve all probably read most of these but nevertheless

Blessed Art Thou Among Women | Mature | Gen | One Shot | 1.3k

Claudine and the Catholic virtues

Descendants: A Different Tale by @kanzakurawrites | Teen | Gen | 9/? | 17.9k

I think this altered my brain chemistry tbh Mal deserves the best parents

Dark Fire by @dragoneyes618

Yeah just go read these if you like Claudine

Obligatory @isleofdarkness shoutout I am quite literally obsessed with this au

Let Dead Men Lie by @dragoneyes618 | General | One Shot | 2.6k

Everyone takes the blame for killing Frollo. Ben is struggling.

Death threats on Dead Beauty by @panthera-tigris-venenata | Mature | Gen | 2/3 | 2.7k

Listen I think Harry should be this feral all the time

the devil had done for the rest | Teen | Gen | One Shot | 2.5k

Harriet! Harry! Yeah that’s all.

Cursed || Harriet Hook | Teen | One Shot | 10.7k

Any Harriet content makes me insane and this is no different. Harriet backstory.

THE MECHANISMS

love in his own eyes by @nonbinarylowkey | General | Gen & Multi | One Shot | 5k

Arthur’s first night as a father

(im)mortality by @nonbinarylowkey | Teen | Multi | One Shot | 7.7k

Arthur handles Mordred’s “death” in a perfectly normal way. Sometimes I think about this fic and take physic damage.

From The Wastes His Child Came (Bringing Revelations Of All Things) | Teen | Other | 3/3 | 7k

Arthur forgets trans people exist and finds Mordred. I’ve reread this so many times I adore it.

la soleil passe son bras par la fenêtre by @ladydragonkiller | General | Gen | One Shot | 6.4k

Brian falls from the gallows and stops the Battle of Camlann, as he should

Inverse Suspension | General | Gen & Multi | One Shot | 3.4k

Mordred frees Brian, and everything turns out okay

no path past kindred’s stain | Teen | Multi | 3/3 | 9.8k

Pendragon backstories my beloved <3

[purplesurveys]

1175

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it?  My dinner had broccoli and bell peppers in it.

What was your last Facebook notification for?  It was Aliyah replying to our comment thread on one of my posts. There wasn’t anything in her comment that was worth replying to anymore, so I just reverted with a Haha react.

What bands have you seen live? Paramore, Coldplay (not super legally), and One Direction.

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother:  She almost became a flight attendant, but she failed the final screening because of her height. I think the idea of her nearly having a completely different career is very interesting.

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13?  In my case, probably getting my period. I got my first one when I was barely 10.

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore?  Chicken curry. I also hateeeeeeeed Dora the Explorer with a passion, but now I find the show hilarious haha.

What are your plans later today? My work sched this week had been so fucking PACKED, that I want to do nothing but catch up on sleep all weekend. But seeing as I’m a proponent of revenge bedtime procrastination, I also highly doubt I’d let myself fall into a nap (Exhibit A: Me currently taking this survey at 2 AM...) If anything, I’ll probably just continue watching BTS In The Soop and finally start on Season 2 of Bon Voyage.

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend?  Well, it’s the weekend already, so...that ^ I will also have to take Cooper to the vet this Sunday.

Who do you talk to the most? Other than my team at work, Angela. I’ve been extra talkative these days because of our now-mutual excessive love for BTS, that I sometimes feel bad that I keep bombarding her with messages.

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old?  Talk to my friends who are still in college, especially when they update me about the current happenings in UP that I have absolutely no clue about anymore.

Who is your best guy friend(s)?  I don’t have any best guy friends.

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?  Neither; I’m fine with my tannish skin tone.

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it?  Keep it; I already do.

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Nah. My last one had been nearly 5 years ago, when I needed to get my back checked for scoliosis.

Do you think your first love still loves you?  No. And that’s okay. :)

What is something that is “going right” in your life?  EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGG I am so so happy with my life right now weeeee. I have the job of my dreams – I’m even working with THE ACTUAL K-POP GROUP SLASH PHENOMENON SLASH ICONS BTS for one of the clients I handle FHKDHGKHGFDKGHDKGH, I have the best and most supportive friends in the world, and I am now starting to grow my collection of BTS merch with my hard-earned money. Everything is going abso-fucking-lutely perfectly, and to think I didn’t think I would make it past 2020.

When did you feel ready to start dating?  Middle of high school.

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s?  I was play fighting with Cooper earlier tonight, and he got a little bit excited and ended up biting my upper lip quite harder than usual. It stung for a while, but it’s okay now.

Where were you the last time you made out?  I think it was my bedroom.

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? Yesterday.

How do you type your sad smileys?  Just this :(

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house?  Nope.

What was the last soda you drank?  Probably the Coke I drank at an org event last year, pre-pandemic, out of sheer thirst. There wasn’t any water being served so I just gulped down the soda and tried to ignore the annoying fizziness. I don’t drink soda.

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for?  I was having a video call session with my workmates this afternoon as a way to end the week on a good note, and I recounted my experience of being locked out of the office while I was in the middle of a presentation for a client, and how I managed to get myself back in.

Have you ever had any type of surgery?  Nope.

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent?  No.

Who was the last person to hit on you?  No one has in a while.

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to?  A deliverable a client asked me to do. It can wait til Monday.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone?  Maybe straight up admitting to my mom that she can be hurtful sometimes. It’s hard because she never actually processes things like that and they do nothing but vanish into thin air, even though it takes everything in me to be that honest.

What do you put on hot dogs?  Mayonnaise.

Ever fallen in the shower?  Like once, when I was 10 or 11.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever called someone you care about?  Continued from last night. It was probably ‘bitch.’ Based on what I’ve learned from my mom, I put extra effort in particuarly watching what comes out of my mouth, because I know how words stick.

Do you think that things will get better?  I did, and now it has.

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life?  I think I may have. The story is a little triggering though, so I wouldn’t share it.

What’s your favourite book genre?  Doesn’t really count as a genre but I like auto/biographies.

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre?  I’ve felt like it, but I’ve never done it.

Do dogs like you?  Yes, at least for 99.5% of my experiences.

Would you say that you project an air of authority?  In certain circles. But there are some groups where I trust others to lead rather than me.

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool?  Nah, because I’ve never seen one. But even if I did, I think I would be too scared to do it hahaha.

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body)  One. I use it to wash my entire body already.

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes?  No.

Who do you know that had a baby recently?  The son of one of my old college instructors. I believe she had been born in March because that prof recently posted family photos on Facebook that celebrated the baby’s first monthsary.

Do you like Usher’s songs?  Not in particular.

When was the last time you went to a waterpark?  Not a big fan of these as I find them unhygienic haha. The last time must have been...like anywhere between 12-15 years ago.

Have you ever ridden a train? Just once, and I had to go with Jum because I didn’t want to go alone.

What do you eat your French fries with?  Mayonnaise. If there isn’t any available, I’d want the fries to at least be generously sprinkled with salt; otherwise I’d find it too bland.

Do you have family problems?  Nothing blatant, but I know we are more dysfunctional than how we make it out to be.

What’s the last food you ate that was stale?  Pizza. I got two extra large boxes for my birthday last Wednesday and until now we still have some of it around :((( I ate some slices at around 3 AM earlier and they were tough as fuck to chew, hahaha. Still good, though.

How do you like your grilled cheese?  I don’t have grilled cheese sandwiches often. Surprise me.

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked?  I don’t cook.

What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid?  I liked watching my cousin play video games; playing outside; and answering my friends’ autograph books (aka my pre-survey days, lol).

Have you ever been close to drowning? Yup but just once. I was swimming and was just about to come up for air when one of my cousins, coming from the bottom of the pool, suddenly started to playfully pull me down. I was nearly out of breath by then and he had a much stronger grip on me, so I struggled for a while and ended up panicking and thrashing around a bit before I was able to wriggle myself free.

Have you ever had a panic attack?  It’s rare that it happens, but when it does it’s really bad and there’s no telling when it would subside.

Do you like doing housework?  Some, and only if I’m in the mood to. If I feel like I have to do it, then I get lazy.

Would you ever get implants?  I considered it before as a teen, back when small-chested girls were still bullied or made fun of on an everyday basis. How fucked up is that? I’m so relieved at how much social media has progressed.

Do you own a robe?  No.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? I have a younger sister but she’s barely a baby; she’s literally turning 21 this year. Nina.

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off?  I like crust as long as it’s normal crust or stuffed crust. I can’t stand thin crust.

What was the last song you listened to?  Euphoria - credited to BTS, but it’s a Jungkook solo.

Have any of your family members been to jail?  Not blood relatives, but I know of super extended unrelated family members who’ve been to prison. Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with?  I don’t think so. Sometimes no closure is closure.

Can you remember when you first learned how to read?  I can’t, actually. All I remember is that I suddenly wanted to read everything by the time I was 5 and asked for nothing but storybooks every Christmas.

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most?  College. Gabie also had a very big influence on me during our relationship.

Have you ever had any teeth pulled?  Yes, but it was because it was already decayed.

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school?  No, but I do elements of it in my work so that works out well for me. I wanted to be an author when I was in grade school, and today I regularly write various materials in my job.

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into?  I just wanna get reconnected with The Crown again. I was already into it but I had to stop watching for a LONG time, because the show had some personal connections to my ex and so it seemed hard to get into the new season without breaking down lol. Now that I’m doing fine, I feel like it’s a good time to revisit the show.

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military?  Won’t happen here, but it’s the kind of situation where I wouldn’t really have a choice and would have to follow.

What is your favorite Queen song?  I don’t have any.

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? What do you mean, use...? Don’t you just use money to pay?? Hahaha or if you mean convert, then yeah I know how to do that with several currencies – US dollar, Korean won, Euro, Japanese yen, and whatever official name the pound has.

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you?  Nope.

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test?  I have not.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do?  I usually don’t have plans laid out on weekends these days anymore, so lately it’s all been a matter of winging it and just wanting to make sure that by the end of the day I get to say I made the most out of my free time.

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl?  The time we did museum hopping + Italian dinner, or the one where we had French dinner + jazz bar.

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once?  I never do rewatches for movies still in cinemas.

What is the reason you’re still alive?  I was stubborn and wanted to see if life would get better; I didn’t want to leave my dogs behind; I didn’t want to miss out on how potentially great and exciting my life could end up being; I didn’t want to cause and leave an even bigger emotional rift on my family.

I’m so happy I stayed.

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom?  Yeah. Not the best decision, and I wouldn’t do it again lol.

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed?  Sometimes, so that it doesn’t look like a bird’s nest when I wake up the next day.

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.)  I don’t think so. I have definitely imagined it in...other ways, though.

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it?  Both in the superficial and loaded senses, yeah. 

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about?  I felt kind of like shit, just because I slept for only 1.5 hours – my body automatically wakes me up by a certain time, no matter what time I fell asleep. And also because my back and shoulder muscles were killing me with how sore they felt.

Do you still tell your parents that you love them?  I show it, but I don’t say it. I’m pretty stingy when it comes to that phrase.

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with?  Yes? It shouldn’t be limited to people you’re dating? I express it to Anj and Andi all the time.

Have you ever been threatened before?  Sure.

Would you date someone with a physical disability?  Yes.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you?  Purely guessing, it’s likely. I’m not updated about her life anymore, though; life has been going on as if she never existed.

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it?  I’ve never had it dyed.

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid?  I went out by myself, so I paid.

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income?  Yeah. I had a very good saving streak in which I was able to save anywhere around 50-60% every month...and thennnn I became a fan of BTS early this month LOOOOOL so now I’m back to like square three when it comes to my savings haha. Like I still know my limits and when to fucking stop taking out money from my bank account, but I’ve been spending dramatically more than I have been in the last few months.

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits?  I used to go much more regularly, to the point where it was a part of my daily routine. Now I go at least once a month. I usually check out the Ask Reddit (for anecdotes), Today I Learned (for trivia), and GMM subreddits. Sometimes I’ll get on the Squared Circle subreddit as well to be updated on wrestling.

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little?  Many times as a flower girl, yeah.

Are your parents in good health?  Fortunately, yes.

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative?  Nope.

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason?  Not that I know of.

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like?  I don’t have pajama sets since I find them too warm.

Do you have any interesting pillow cases?  Eh, I don’t think so.

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be?  Shoulder muscles or my lower back.

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees?  Bees.

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like?  No.

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you?  Native American.

[pipsqueakparker]

2020 20 Q’s

thank you for tagging me @thehoneyedhufflepuff & @neck-mole!!!

1. Do you make your bed? very rarely. i make it when i do a Big Clean of my room, or like just feel like it. But,,, very rarely. 

2. Favorite number? 23

3. What’s your job? i work in logistics/processing for NYPL (and Brooklyn libraries) and i work a retail store that sells boxes and closets

4. If I could would I go back to school? i’m in library school rn and i only lowkey regret it. the thing is, i love learning, and i love being in classes, but fuck i hate school

5. Can you parallel park? that was like the one thing about the driver’s test i was really good at - i’m not confident i could actually do it today, but i did pass that section and did not fuck it up when i practiced (have not done it since said drivers test tho) 

6. A job people would be surprised I had? uh,,,, i worked an after school program for pre-k - 3rd grade - idk if y’all would be surprised at that, but i know a lot of people including my family and close friends were surprised when i applied/told them i got it bc i have a known history of not enjoying spending time with children (but i have a greater desire for money and it was a private school) 

7. Do you think Aliens are real? absolutely you can’t convince me they’re not

8. Can you drive a standard car? oui, i don’t get to often thanks to NYC but i can

9. What’s your guilty pleasure? watching trashy reality tv or tiktok/vine compilations on youtube? eating ice cream? (maybe that one’s just a regretful pleasure) 

10. Tattoos? i currently have seven. i have ‘cur non?’ on my right forearm, which was my first tattoo, and the result of a mixture of my Hamilton phase and a re-emerging love for the Marquis de Lafayette (who i had a thing for when i was a kid but totally forgot until i got obsessed with hamilton and remembered all the books i read about him lmao), on my left upper forearm i have a purple ribbon/butterfly (like, the ribbon is the body of the butterfly and it’s got lil wings) that i got the summer my mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer & its currently the only matching tat i have with anyone ‘cause my sister also got a ribbon tattoo that day, then right next to that right before sr year finals i got ‘you got this’ in my mum’s handwriting from a note she sent me right before finals sophomore year, on my left wrist i have a pill & and a milk carton with an x on it that were designed by my then-friend and that i thought were really cute ‘reminder tattoos’ ‘cause i have daily medication and had just found out i was lactose intolerant, on my left shoulder i have ‘if you’re not afraid you’re not alive’ in one of my best friend’s handwriting which is a quote from tuck everlasting, which was i think the first broadway show we saw together and really the first Show That She Loved that she got to share with me in that way, and most recently (aka two days ago) i got simon’s wings and tail on the outside of my right forearm, designed by @neck-mole & built on by my new favorite tattoo artist - uh, there’s a whole post on that if you wanna know all the meaning behind it lmao. and the next two immediate ones i know i wanna do: vampire teeth/mouth on my thigh (matching tat with my roommate) & my lifelong best friend’s initials somewhere on my body to honor her. ALSO, it didn’t ask for this but anï put it so i will, too, cause why not. i have my ears and my nose pierced (on the right side), and i used to have a monroe and i really miss it. 

11. Favorite color? green

12. Things people do that drive you crazy? exist? no, uh. i think just general ignorance really gets to me especially working retail, like customers that ask the absolutely dumbest shit and by that i mean “do you take this completely different store’s coupon?” or just generally not accepting what i tell them especially when they’re a-okay when one of my male co-workers comes over and says the exact same thing. but just. i don’t do well with people that are ignorant and just continue to be on purpose. also when people walk around you but then once they’re in front of you they’re so slow. and people that walk down or up the wrong side of the stairs - IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE JUST FUCKING KEEP TO THE RIGHT MY GUY. 

13. Any Phobias? hahahah. a lot. spiders, the dark (i’m getting a bit better with that one), snakes, escalators (i’ll deal and use them anyway ‘cause i’m lazy but my heart rate spikes) to name a few. 

14. Favorite childhood sport? uhm, i never really played sports? i did marching band in high school, which does count fucking fight me, but nothing before that. i always wanted to play soccer? but i’ve had this thing with my knee/calf my whole life so i never actually ended up playing except like in my friend’s backyard sometimes? 

15. Do you talk to yourself? oh, yeah, definitely. i will frequently direct it at something whether its my computer, baz, my cat, or whatever is nearby, but yeah. 

16. What movie do you adore? a lot. uhm, national treasure is unironically one of my all-time favorite movies, Hercules is a fucking bop and a half beginning to end and i watch it frequently, i love love Big Hero 6, honeslty the list goes on i love a lot of movies.

17. Do you like doing puzzles? yes!!! i don’t do them often, but i love puzzles!!! i used to do them all the time with my mamaw, ‘cause she often just had a table that we’d put it on and work on it when i was over and i love that shit. i want a puzzle table. 

18. Favorite type of music? lagjowa anything. i listen to anything from broadway musical soundtracks to alternative/emo/goth to R&B, if i vibe with it i like it yknow. which surprises a lot of people, ‘cause i think most frequently i do just fall to listening to a soundtrack or pop or something closer to the alt-pop side, but like honestly. theres not a lot that i’ll be like “nah, change it” 

19. Tea or coffee? coffee. i don’t drink either that often, but i really really don’t like tea. 

20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up? i think a vet. at some point i wanted to be a lawyer, yes because of legally blonde. and a teacher. 

uh and i’m probably supposed to tag 20 people but i’m just gonna tag a few and i’m not sure if they’ve been tagged but here we go: @icarus-n-flames @krisrix @warriorbeeofthesea @vkelleyart

[drbtinglecannon]

rohdaly asked: For the drabble challenge I shall request some Huwumis, please. 1) 3 - “You can’t just sit there all day.” with Highschool!AU. 2) 71 - “I want a pet.” uh Dogwalker!AU. 3) 72 - “Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.” with something angsty wahahaha! K thanks! uwus all around ;)

I posted the angst smile drabble, here’s the dogwalker one! I feel I went a little off topic and it’s too long to really be a ‘drabble’ anymore but I hope you enjoy anyway! (Sorry if the text messages look weird, also Hawks is named ‘Tsubasa’ until Horikoshi says otherwise)

Hawks is absolutely terrified of dogs.

He can't remember a time when he wasn't, it's just a fear he's always lived with. When he was a small child, between 4 to 5 years old, a particularly violent dog got loose in his neighborhood and Hawks was unfortunate enough to get attacked by it.

Thankfully his grandfather was there to throw the dog off him, but it did get a nasty bite in. He was rushed to the hospital and got a whooping 16 stitches on his arm; the scar never fully faded but he was lucky he didn't get killed.

Hawks is old enough now to understand that the dog was heavily abused by its owner and was used in dog fighting rings. It wasn't really the dog’s fault, which is what allowed him to not entirely hate the species. Hawks sees the loving companionship some people are blessed enough to hold with canines in person and on TV all the time, but every time one walks too close, barks too loud, or even looks at him he feels like he’ll jump out of his skin.

Hawks is walking home from the cafe that he and Miruko went to so she could participate in a poetry slam. It was pretty cool and some of the people were incredibly talented, including Miruko. She tried to get him to go up on stage too, but while Hawks writes lyrics he isn't really able to get into the groove of a slam unless he could play music and at that point he'd just be singing.

He has his headphones over his ears and is bobbing his head to the beat, admittedly not paying as much attention to his surrounds as he should. Hawks closes his eyes for just a moment and when he opens them again…

There's a damn dog blocking his path.

“ACK!” He shouts and jumps back so quickly he loses his balance falling flat on his butt. “Ugghhh…”

“Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! Are you ok?” A feminine voice calls out.

Hawks could hardly hear over the sounds pouring from his headphones, so when a hand gently taps his shoulder he jumps again. His sharp eyes meet dark gray eyes he'd recognize anywhere, and he kind of wants to ground to swallow him whole.

“H-hey, Todoroki-san…” He mumbles awkwardly as he slips the headphones down off his ears to rest around his neck.

Todoroki Fuyumi is crutching in front of him, a classmate of his most of his school life and the subject of his affections for just as long. “Hawks-san, are you ok? It looked like you fell hard. Brutus didn't run into you did he? He's kind of a handful, very friendly but no sense of personal space.”

“...'Brutus’?” Hawks asks skeptically.

Fuyumi gestures at the gigantic dog Hawks honestly forgot about the second he saw her. He flinches when his eyes land on the hulking canine, and tries not to scream when Brutus walks over his legs and huffs happily in his face.

“Brutus, no!” Fuyumi tells the dog in a commanding tone Hawks wasn't aware she was capable of. How is she so damn cute?

The dog barks making Hawks twitch, but it does back up and plop down on the ground in front of his feet panting loudly. “Good boy!” Fuyumi chirps and reaches out to pat the dog on the head.

Hawks is desperately trying so hard to keep his hormonal teenage mind from wandering to dark places after hearing Fuyumi’s tone of voice with the dog that he barely notices when she turns to talk to him again. “...what?”

“I said he likes you!” Fuyumi smiles and repeats with no issue. “I think he feels bad for startling you.”

“O-oh um…” Hawks swallows and begs his stupid brain to work. “It's uh, it's no problem. I wasn't really paying attention to where I was headed.” She offers a hand to help him up which he gladly accepts it, praying his hand isn't too sweaty.

When they're both standing Fuyumi gestures at his headphones. “Yeah I'm not surprised, your music is really loud Hawks-san. You should be careful about your hearing.” After she points it out Hawks realizes how loudly the music is booming from the speakers.

“Right yeah…” He absentmindedly holds the volume switch on the cord down until the music is adequately muffled. “So uh...is Brutus your dog?”

Fuyumi shakes her head. “No, he's one of the dogs I walk. Brutus is really big and energetic so I have to walk him by himself, but I usually walk between 3 to 5 smaller dogs.”

“Dogs you...walk?”

Fuyumi nods with a smile. “It’s my part-time job during the summer months. People go on vacation so I walk their dogs two or three times a day while they're gone on the weekends and during break.”

Hawks blinks owlishly at her. “O-oh…”

Hawks regretful doesn't actually know Fuyumi very well personally, he's much closer with her younger brother who he used to play on the football team with until Hawks quit, but he does know her family is ridiculously rich so the idea of her having a part-time job seems strange. “You must really like dogs, huh? You always struck me as a cat person.”

“I love dogs and cats! Both are very lovable and great family members in different ways!” She explains excitedly. “I’ve always wanted to be a veterinarian when I grow up. Or maybe a school teacher, but either way I want a house just full of dogs and cats.”

Hawks isn't sure what else to do with this information besides treasure it forever. “You'd make an amazing vet or teacher.” He murmurs as he shoves his hands into his pockets nervously.

“Thank you, that's very sweet of you.” Fuyumi smiles. “What about you Hawks-san, do you like dogs?”

“Um...more of a bird person myself…” He warily eyes Brutus as he answers, and tenses when the dog loudly harrumphs at him.

Fuyumi giggles and scratches Brutus behind the ear. “I'm not sure he liked that answer.” The dog leans into her touch and whimpers merrily.

“Sorry, Brutus…”

“Anyway, I need to get going. It was nice seeing you, Hawks-san.” Fuyumi politely waves as she and the huge animal walk off.

Hawks watches as she leaves and a dopey grin blossoms on his face. “She held my hand!” He fist pumps to himself and spins in a circle, before remembering the important detail that makes him hang his head in defeat. “...but she loves dooogggsss…”

His stupid teenage emotions flip-flop between ecstatic and dread as he trudges home.

--

Hawks casually takes a seat at the table next to his grandfather and watches him until the latter can feel it. His grandfather peers over the top of his newspaper and Hawks takes the opportunity to talk. “I want to get a pet.”

“Hm...I suppose if you promise to take care of it.” His grandfather easily agrees and turns back to the paper.

Hawks clears his throat and clarifies. “...I want to get a dog.”

His grandfather drops the paper to give him the most incredulous look possible, before calling out towards the open door leading to the balcony. “HONEY!” When Hawks’ grandmother pokes her head in the doorframe to peer over his grandfather jabs a thumb in his direction. “Who is this sitting next to me??”

“Gramps, come on…” Hawks sighs.

“That's your grandson, Tsubasa.” His grandmother answers over the whining before returning to her gardening out on the porch.

“Right ok, so why is this kid asking to get a dog?”

There's a pause before his grandmother slowly leans back with a confused look on her face. “Tsubasa...you want a pet dog? I thought you were scared ---”

Hawks cuts her off with an exaggerated groan. “Gramma, Gramps, stop please. Can't I just...I don't know, want to get over this all?”

“By getting a dog?” Gramps raises an eyebrow.

“Yes.”

Gramma has put on her slippers and trudged into the room, brushing dirt off her hands onto her apron. “I think he's lying, dear…” She whispers too loudly to her husband who grunts in agreement.

“You two know I can hear you, right?” Hawks glares at them. Gramma has the decency to seem embarrassed but Gramps just snorts a laugh.

Gramps eyes him for a second before relenting with a sigh. “Tell ya what, kid. We don't want you getting a living creature and bringing it here if you're gonna jump every time it moves. Prove to us you aren't scared of dogs anymore first, then you can get one as a pet.”

Hawks’ eyes widen as he looks between them both. “Really?? Yes, ok! I'll do!” He lunges to his feet and gives them both a quick hug before dashing off to his room.

His grandmother waves after him as she murmurs to her husband. “...do you really think this is a good idea?”

“Don't worry, we won't get a dog.” Gramps chuckles as he snaps the paper back up and resumes reading.

---

Hawks jumps face first onto his bed and pulls out his phone, rapidly texting his best friend.

Birdie: Guess who I ran into today!!!!!!

Buns: I would say Todoroki Fuyumi based on how you’re acting

Buns: But we both know you're too much of a chicken to talk to her

Hawks glowers at the screen and types with more force than necessary.

Birdie: I am not a chicken

Birdie: But yes, I did run into her AND we talked for a bit!!!

Instantly his phone buzzes several times as Miruko registers this information.

Buns: Wait really

Buns: Whaaaaat???

Buns: What happened did you ask her out finally??

Hawks is a little afraid to answer that. He's just as sick of his friend nagging at him to make a move as she is of his love-struck gushing about Fuyumi.

Birdie: ...no

There’s such a long pause before Miruko texts back Hawks has already pushed himself off the bed and started strumming some notes he wrote on a napkin back at the cafe on his guitar. His phone buzzes and he leans over to look at his screen.

Buns: You’re a helpless idiot

Hawks pouts but can't bring himself to disagree. Instead he picks up the phone and sends another message.

Birdie: ANYWAY get this. She's a dog walker!

Bubbles showing a response is being typed disappear and reappear several times. Finally Miruko sends something back.

Buns: Um. Isn't that like, you're worst nightmare?

Birdie: What no.

Birdie: Maybe I'll finally get over this thing with dogs AND spend time with her!!

Buns: Or Buns: More likely Buns: You'll TRY to and end up making a fool of yourself in front of her Buns: And she may lose interest (if she had any) if you don't love dogs

Hawks rereads Miruko's texts a couple times and deflates. She isn't trying to be mean and he knows it, but it really took the wind out of his sails. Miruko must sense his pouting because she hurriedly tacts on more.

Buns: Or maybe you're right

Buns: This might actually get you to get over your fear

Buns: Cause the fear of looking dumb in front of Todoroki is prolly the only thing that scares you more than dogs

Hawks perks up slightly reading the new texts. “Yeah...wait, that's it! I'll ask to help Todoroki-san! Then I can hang out with her AND get over my fears!” He shouts a little too loud as he jumps to his feet but he doesn't care. His grandparents probably won't think anything of it anyway either; he's constantly singing, playing music, or just plain ol’ talking loudly.

Hawks spends the rest of the day switching between playing various melodies on his keyboard and guitar as he plans out operation: Befriend Fuyumi (and also get over fear of dogs).

---

The next day Hawks wakes up so giddy he can't stop moving. He dances around his confused grandparents as he chirps he's heading out for the day and dashes out the door before they can respond.

He's bouncing on his heels and jamming to the music from his headphones as he walks down the street towards the area he ran into Fuyumi and Brutus yesterday. Hawks realizes now that it was across the street from a park that's a popular spot for dogs.

He absentmindedly realizes he can't just hang out right where he saw her yesterday because that'll lead to questions of why he's just standing around. Hawks groans and tries to come up with a new course of action. As he whips around his eyes land on the park across the street...filled with dogs.

His blood runs cold imaging waltzing over there.

There’s a gaggle of big, long-haired canines running around in a group all jumping on each other, a handful of smaller dogs yapping loudly and chasing on the heels of the taller ones, and one or two tiny things cowering behind their owner’s legs.

Hawks considers retreating back home, however he already planned ahead for if he wusses out and told Miruko exactly what he was doing. If he backs down now not only will she never let him live it down, she might just break into his room and drag him out by the ankles.

He gulps before marching across the street with all the courage he can muster.

Overall it wasn't too bad. Hawks managed not to scream at any point, and only jumped and stumbled once trying to escape the attention of an energetic blond dog. Thankfully the owner intervened on his behalf. He scurried off and is currently sitting on a bench a little ways off from where the animals are playing.

Hawks has his eyes screwed shut and is taking deep breaths in and out. Foolishly he still has his headphones on and listening to music a touch too loud so he doesn't notice when someone says his name.

He does notice when a slimy wet surface rubs against his hand though.

Hawks recoils and cracks his eyes open, coming face to face with a dog nudging it's nose against his knuckles. He freezes but it isn't until another smaller dog jumps up on the bench and climbs into his lap that he finally yelps and jumps to his feet.

Hawks tumbles away from the bench, the small dog landing on the ground easily with a playful bark, but he doesn't get far before another one pushes his legs into each other and he falls backwards. Hawks blinks up at a shadow towering over him for a second, before it suddenly lunged down at his face.

He ends up passing out.

---

Hawks isn't sure how long he's out for but it can't be too long because when he finally flutters his eyes open the sun is in the same spot up in the sky. He absentmindedly notices a hand on his forehead and another gently but urgently shaking his shoulder.

“...ugggh…” He groans pathetically.

There’s a relieved sounding sigh right above him and the hand on his forehead moves away. “Oh thank goodness! Hawks-san I am so sorry about that! I didn't think they'd all swarm you like that!”

“Wha…?” Hawks squints and when his vision finally focuses he kind of wishes he had just died where he's lying.

His face flushes and he sits up far too quickly, the rush of blood to his head making him dizzy. Hawks doesn't have time to adjust though because once he's up his eyes land on the three dogs that scared the life out of him just a moment ago sitting in a row a couple feet away and yelps hard, trying to crawl away but slips and lands on his back again.

He decides to just stay on the ground this time. The owner of the voice leans over him with a sympathetic expression and offers a hand up. Hawks debates not accepting it and just lying in this spot for the rest of his life, but practically overweighs dramatics so he sheepishly takes the hand and lets himself be hoisted into a sitting position.

There’s a beat of silence as he waits for her to ask the inevitable. “Hawks-san?”

“...yes, Todoroki-san?”

“...are you afraid of dogs?” Fuyumi asks him softly. There it is, any chance with her blown forever. Instead of talking he just mutely nods his head, eyes glued to the grass by his legs.

Fuyumi hums in confusion and cocks her head slightly. “Why would you come to a dog friendly park then?”

Hawks isn't sure how to answer that. 'I was hoping to see you and force myself over my fear to impress you cause I have a gigantic hopeless crush on you’ doesn't sound very good. “Um…” He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly and clears his throat. “I uh, wanted to get over my fears. But um...I think I didn't go about this the right way.”

He expects her to laugh or scoff or something at his expense, instead she sits right next to him wearing the most encouraging smile possible. “I could help, if you'd like.”

Hawks blinks owlishly at her a couple times, praying to every deity his face isn't too red before he nods. Her smile widens and she tenderly takes his hand again to moves to extend it in front of them. Somehow he doesn't die of sheer joy from the action.

“The best ways to approach a dog are to first ask permission of its owner as they'll know if it's friendly or not, I'm already giving permission though. Then you should let the dog come closer at its own rate, preferably facing them at an angle instead of head on, so just sit here and I'll call Missy forward.”

“Missy…?”

“The pug who climbed into your lap.” Fuyumi quickly explains. She's holding all the leashes in her other hand and gently tugs the one for Missy specifically. Missy was ecstatic to move and quickly lumbered over towards Hawks’ offered hand. He tensed up as her wet nose wiped against his palm but Fuyumi gently squeezed his wrist where her cold hands still held on.

“Try gently petting her face and neck.” Fuyumi suggests and despite how his hand is trembling Hawks manages to gingerly stroke Missy’s cheek. The dog seems to love it because she's aggressively rubbing her face into his hand and her curly tail is wagging.

Hawks lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. “See? It's not so bad! Some dogs can be a handful or territorial so it's always good to approach carefully.” Fuyumi beams.

Hawks nods and glances up at the other two dogs. “They're uh...all well trained.”

“Usually.” Fuyumi agrees. “Missy and Lola, the beagle that nudged your hand first,” she points at the dog to the right and continues explaining, “they have the same family. Troy, the black labrador that licked your face when you fainted, is their neighbor so they all get along well.”

“Oh...I see.” Hawks stares at the other two dogs sitting with each other panting calmly.

Fuyumi eventually releases her grip on Hawks’ wrist much to his disappointment to hold the leashes with both hands. “...have you always been afraid of dogs? Um, if you don't mind my asking.”

“I don't.” He quickly assures her. “I uh, got attacked by one when I was a little kid. It was abused and used in dog rings so it was hyper violent, one day it got loose and I happened to be in its path. Been terrified ever since.” He finishes with a shrug.

Fuyumi gasps and clamps her hands over her mouth. “Oh my gosh, that's terrible!”

“Yeah I still have a scar on my arm.” He was almost going to offer to show her but realizes that might be weird so he keeps his mouth shut. “I don't want to be scared of dogs, I don't hate them it's just…”

Fuyumi hums in understanding. “If you'd like…” Her voice is very timid all of a sudden and it draws Hawks’ eyes off Missy to look at her. “I have two dogs at home, maybe you can come over some time and meet them. I could um...help you work on your fear more.”

Hawks thinks he must be dreaming because Todoroki Fuyumi not only invited him to her house, she's seated so close next to him their sides are almost touching with pink cheeks and a shy smile on her face.

She fidgets and looks away. “Um, if you want to. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable ---”

“No!” He interrupts loudly. Fuyumi glances back at him and he clears his throat, trying to force himself to talk at a normal volume. “Um, you aren't uh...I would really like that, it sounds really fun.”

Her smile returns as she nods. “I think you'd like my dogs. They're Scottish terriers named Guiver and Guinness.” Fuyumi excitedly raves about the pros of Scotties for a few minutes, most of which is lost on Hawks but he is more than happy to listen to her gushing. “Anyway...I have to bring these three home but you could come over later today if you're free.”

“Yes!” He answers too quickly but the way it makes her giggle was well worth looking dumb.

“You should bring your guitar too.” Hawks furrows his brow, confused on how she knows he plays the guitar. “Natsuo told me you quit the sports team to focus on music.” She supplies as if she could read his mind. “It was a shame, you’re very skilled at football.”

Hawks’ heart is hammering in his chest as it slowly dons on him that Fuyumi pays attention to him and must've been for at least the past year to know this information. He swallows the dry lump in his throat. “Yeah, well, I'm even better at the guitar.”

Her bashful smile widens. “I look forward to finding out.” Then she raises to her feet and herds the dogs a few paces away from him, being mindful of how he's still working over his fear. “So, I'll see you later? You know how to get there right?” He nods once. “Good. Well, until then Hawks-san.”

She and the dogs head off and he waves after them. It isn't until they're out of view that he falls flat on his back again with a giddy noise. “She wants to hang out and listen to my music!!...I need to text Miruko, she’d be so proud.”

[redditnosleep]

I'm A Search And Rescue Officer For The US Forest Service, I Have Some Stories To Tell

by searchandrescuewoods.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 (Final)

Hey guys! I'm back from my training op, and I have a lot of really interesting stories to share with you. I've got enough that I'm going to break them up into two parts, this being the first. I'd love to put them all in one entry, but I just haven't had a chance to write them all down yet. I didn't have anything too crazy happen while I was out there, but we did have one incident with a rookie that I found relevant. Since I'm sure you guys have been waiting for these, I'll just get right into the stories. I'll assign each batch of stories to the person who told them to me.

K.D: K. D is a vet who's been an SAR officer for about fifteen years. She specializes in high elevation mountain rescues, and is widely considered one of the best in her field. She was one of the more enthusiastic storytellers, and since we were together a fair amount during exercises, she ended up telling me about four that really stuck with me.

The first she told me in response to my asking about her most traumatic calls. She shook her head and told me that really bad calls happen more frequently on the mountain, since the potential for nasty accidents is higher. About five years ago, one of the parks she worked at had a string of disappearances. It was a bad year, she said, one of the worst on record as far as weather went. They were getting about a foot of new snow every couple of days, and there were a few avalanches that killed some climbers. They'd warned people about staying on the mapped areas, but of course there's always those who don't listen. In one particularly nasty case, an entire family got wiped out because the father decided he knew better than the officials, and he took them out into an area that wasn't safe. They were snowshoeing, and as best K.D could figure, they'd walked onto a shelf of snow that looked solid, but actually wasn't. It gave way, and this family went ass over teakettle almost three hundred feet down a slope. They landed on the rocks at the bottom, and the parents died instantly. One of the kids did as well, but the other two survived. One had a broken leg and fractured ribs, the other was almost unharmed save for some bruising and a sprained ankle. The uninjured child left his sibling behind and set out to find help. K.D said the kid didn't make it more than half a mile before a storm overtook him. Kid stopped to try and get warm, or maybe just to rest, and ended up freezing to death. They ended up finding the family with the help of some witnesses who saw them heading out into the wilderness, and she was the one to find the kid who'd frozen to death looking for help. She said it had started to snow, just enough to obscure long-distance vision, but not enough to make searching impossible. She saw a figure sitting in the snow up ahead, and she got to it as quickly as possible. She described, in detail, how as she got closer, she realized first that it was a child, second that they were deceased, and third that they had frozen in one of the most pitiful positions she's ever found a corpse in. The kid was sitting upright, with his knees tucked up against his chest. His arms were curled around them, and his head was tucked up in his coat. When she moved the coat to look at his face, she saw that he'd died crying. His face was twisted, and the tears were frozen on his cheeks. She said it was painfully obvious that the kid was terrified when he succumbed to hypothermia, and as a mother, it broke her heart. She told me, repeatedly, that she hopes the father is burning in hell as we speak.

The other traumatic story she told me that stood out, in my mind, was one that happened when she was a rookie. Her team got a report of an experienced climber who hadn't come home the previous day. His wife was convinced that something bad had happened, because he'd never failed to come home on time. They went out looking for him, and had to climb what sounded like some very technically challenging parts of the mountain. They got to a relatively flat area, and K.D started seeing blood in the snow. She followed the trail, and as she went, she started seeing little bits of tissue. She wasn't sure exactly what body part it had come from, but the farther she followed it, the more there was. She follows this blood-and-tissue trail to a sheltered area under a cliff face, and she finds the climber. She said there was so much blood, more than she'd ever seen before. He was lying face down, one arm stretched in front of him, as if he'd died crawling. She looks closer, and sees that he's been partially disemboweled, which is where the tissue she'd seen had come from. The guy has an ice pick tucked into a hip holster, and it's covered in blood. Of course, they'll never be sure exactly what happened, but she said as best she can figure, this is what went down: The guy had been attempting to climb up to the next area, and had been using his ice ax to ascend. He'd probably hit a loose patch, and had fallen. On the way down, or possibly when he landed, he'd gotten impaled by the ax, and it had disemboweled him. He'd drug himself along, tearing pieces of himself out as he went, and had died under the cliff face. She isn't terribly bothered by gore, but I guess a few of the guys who came to help her remove the body threw up when they turned him over and a good portion of his intestines spilled out.

I mentioned to her that I was interested in hearing about any experiences she had with people completely disappearing. Her eyes light up, and she leans in close to me. 'Wanna hear a real doozy?' She asks. She tells me about how, when she first started, there was a case that got a lot of attention in the media. A family had been out berry picking in an area of the forest very close to the entrance of the park. They had two little boys, both under the age of five, and at some point during the day, one of them vanishes. There's an absolutely massive search, and they find absolutely nothing. It's another of those cases where it's like the kid was never there in the first place. The dogs just sit down and don't pick up on anything, no trace of the kid is found. The search goes on for about two months, but is eventually called off. Fast forward to six months later. The family comes back to place flowers at a memorial that's been set up there for the kid. They bring their other son. While they're placing the flowers, they lose sight of the kid for about three seconds, and in that span of time he vanishes into thin air. Now obviously, the parents are beyond devastated. It's awful enough to lose one child, but to lose two is beyond imagining. The search is huge, one of the largest in state history. There are about three hundred volunteers combing every inch of this park, looking for the kid. But again, there's no trace of him. The search goes on for about a week, with people looking miles from the part of the park he vanished from. And then, almost two weeks later, a volunteer almost fifteen miles from the designated search area radios in that he's found the kid. They assumed that the kid was dead, but the volunteer says he's not only alive, he's in good shape. K.D and her team go out to recover the kid, and when they get there, she can't believe that this is the kid that's been missing. His clothes are clean, there's no dirt on him anywhere, and he doesn't appear traumatized. The volunteer says he found the kid sitting on a log, playing with a little twig bundle that's bound together with some old rope. K.D asks him where he's been, who he was with for those two weeks, and the kid tells her that he's been with 'the fuzzy man'. Now K.D firmly believes in Bigfoot, so she gets all excited and asks what he means by fuzzy. Was he hairy? But the kid says no, he wasn't hairy. He was a 'fuzzy man', and he describes a man that's blurry, 'like when you close your eyes but not all the way closed.' He says the man came out of the trees and took the kid with him deep into the woods. The kid says he slept in a hollow tree, and the fuzzy man gave him berries to eat. K.D asks if the man was mean, if he scared the kid, and the kid says 'no, he wasn't scary. but i didn't like how he didn't have eyes.' K.D says they get the kid back to headquarters, and a cop takes him into town to talk to him more about what happened. She's friends with the cop that talked to him, and she said the kid described being kept in this tree by the fuzzy man, and given berries whenever he was hungry. He was allowed to wander around a very specific clearing, but when he tried to go further, the fuzzy man would 'get mad and yell real loud even though he didn't have a mouth'. When the kid got scared at night, the fuzzy man 'made it go brighter' and gave him the twig bundle. He said the fuzzy man was going to keep him, but he had to let him go because the kid wasn't 'the right kind.' He either can't or won't elaborate more on that. The cops are just sort of left scratching their heads, and the search for his brother is renewed with no results. The kid has no idea where his brother might be, and they never find him.

The last story that K.D told me was of something that happened to her when she got separated from her training group when she was a rookie. They were learning the basics of high elevation belaying on a well-mapped side of the mountain, and she had to use the bathroom. She went off about fifty yards from the group during a meal break, and did her business. I'll tell the rest exactly as she told it to me' 'So I go to take a piss, and once I'm done, I start going back to the group. But I've only gotten about five feet when I realize that I have no idea where I am. And this wasn't a 'oh, I got turned around' lost. I mean I had literally no fucking clue where I was. If you'd asked me, I don't even think I'd have been able to tell you what state we were in. It was sort of how I imagine people with amnesia feel, you know? You're completely lost, and you have no idea what to do. So I stood there for a while, just trying to figure out where the fuck I was and what I was supposed to do. But the longer I stand there, the more confused and turned around I get, so I started walking. As I recall, I just picked a random direction and went for it. And as I'm walking, it's just getting worse and worse to the point where I have no concept of why I'm on the mountain in the first place. I'm just trudging through the snow, and then I start hearing this voice. It's kind of inside my head, almost. Like if a frog could talk, all low and croaky. And it's telling me over and over 'it's okay, it's okay, you just need to find something to eat. Find something to eat and you'll be okay, just keep walking and find something to eat. Eat. Eat.' So I start looking around for anything that I can eat, and I swear to god I've never felt that hungry in my whole life. It was bottomless, and I think I'd have eaten just about anything you put in front of me right then. I had no concept of time, so I had no idea how long I'd been out when I hear an actual voice coming toward me. I go toward it and see one of the other SARs, and he looks fucking terrified. He's running toward me, asking if I'm okay and what the hell I'm doing out here. And the scary thing was, as he's running toward me, I kind of see myself reaching into my belt for my hunting knife. I'm not even really thinking about what I'm doing, but what I am thinking is that I have to eat. If I don't eat, I'll never be okay again, so I just have to eat. He sees me doing that and he backs off right away. He yells at me to put my knife away, that he's not gonna hurt me, and that kind of snaps me back. All of a sudden, I know exactly where I am, and I put the knife away. I run to him and ask him how long I've been gone, thinking he'll tell me I've been gone for half an hour or so. But he tells me I've been gone for two fucking days. I've gone over two peaks and ended up almost on the other side of the mountain, and if I'd kept going, I would have ended up wandering into about three hundred miles of wilderness. They'd never have found me. He can't believe I'm not dead, and of course I don't know what the fuck to think. To me, no time has passed at all. I don't say anything, I just go back with him to a rendezvous point and I'm taken back to HQ to be airlifted to the hospital. When I get there, they do all kinds of tests, and try to figure out what happened. As best they can guess, I had some kind of weird fugue state, which is kind of like amnesia, or a weird seizure that knocked my brain out of whack. But the truth is that we really don't know. It's never happened again, but I'll tell you, ever since then I never go out there alone. People rag on me for making them come with me when I have to leave the group, but I just tell 'em that listening to me piss in the snow is better than losing me for two fucking days on a freezing mountain.'

EW: The next person I talked to was E.W, a former trainer who now works as an EMT. He still comes to ops like this to help out, but doesn't work full-time for us anymore. He specialized in finding lost kids, he just seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to knowing where they'd gone. He's a legend among the more senior vets, but he gets embarrassed if you compliment him on his work. He sat down with me at dinner one evening, and we ended up swapping stories. Most of them were just casual, but when we got on the subject of our weirder calls, I mentioned that I'd had a buddy who'd gone up a set of stairs. He got kind of quiet and asked me if I'd heard of a little boy who'd disappeared from his park a few years back. I hadn't, so he told me this story.

They were out looking for this eleven-year-old boy, Joey, who'd gone missing near a river. Of course, the first thought was that he'd fallen in and drowned, but when they brought dogs out, they led SAR officers away from the river and up into a very densely forested area. When we do searches for people, we search in a grid pattern, and we search every 'box' of the grid incredibly thoroughly. What E.W's team noticed right away was that a very strange pattern was emerging. Dogs in alternating boxes were picking up Joey's scent, but losing it when they overlapped with another box. If you think of a checkerboard, Joey's scent was being picked up in random black squares, but never in red. This, of course, didn't make any sense, because how could the kid bounce from area to area without leaving a scent in each place he passed? E.W and his partner pass into a new box of the grid, and E.W notices a set of stairs about fifty yards away. He tells his partner that they need to go check near it, but his partner flat-out refuses. He tells E.W that he's made it a point never to go near any stairs he sees, and that while it may be routine, he's not to pretend that it's normal. He tells E.W that he'll wait in sight while E.W checks. E.W says he was irritated, but he felt for the guy, and didn't push him on the subject. 'I walked over to the stairs. They were small, kind of like stairs into a basement. I don't really feel strongly one way or the other about them, the stairs I mean, so I wasn't scared or anything. I guess I'm like everyone else, and I just prefer not to think about them too much. 'Anyway, I went over and I could see that there was something lying on the bottom step, sort of curled up. My hear sinks, because of course you always hope for the best. And we were confident that we'd find this kid alive, because he'd only been missing for a few hours. But I knew right away that it was him, and that he was dead. He was curled up in a little ball on the step, holding his stomach. It looked like he'd been in horrible pain when he died, but I didn't see any blood, except some on his lips and chin. I radioed in that I'd found him, and we got his body back to command. That poor family, they were devastated. The parents couldn't understand how he'd be dead, 'cause he'd only been gone for such a short amount of time. And on top of that we didn't have any obvious cause of death, which just made it worse. I figured he'd probably eaten something poisonous, since he was holding his stomach when I found him, but I didn't want to guess. It's hard enough to hear that your kid is dead, let alone have some stupid SAR guy guessing about what happened. They took him away, and I went home and tried not to think about it. I hate finding dead kids, man. I loved this job but it's one of the reasons I left. I've got two daughters, and the thought of losing them that way just...' He choked up a little here. I'm not great with emotional stuff like that, and it's always sort of awkward to see a grown man cry, so I didn't really know what to do. He pulled himself together eventually, though, and he kept going. 'We don't always hear back from the coroners about cause of death. It's not really our job to know, I guess, and sometimes if they think it's foul play they won't tell us because of legal bullshit. But I've got a friend who works for the sheriff's department, and he'll usually pass along any interesting info if I ask. In this case, though, I actually got a call from him about a week later. He asks if I remember the kid, and of course I do, and he says some seriously weird shit is going on. He tells me, 'E.W, man, you're gonna think I'm crazy, but the coroner has no idea what happened to this kid. He's never seen anything like it.' My friend goes on to tell me that when the coroner opened the kid up, he couldn't even believe what he was seeing. The kid's organs were like swiss cheese. Quarter-sized holes were punched clean through just about every single organ this kid had, aside from his heart and lungs. But his colon, his stomach, his kidneys and even one of his testicles, were full of these clean holes. My friend said the coroner described it as if someone had taken a hole-punch and punched holes out of everything, they were so neat. But the kid didn't have a scratch on him, no entry or exit wounds. The closest anyone there had ever seen like it was a guy who'd filled himself full of buckshot a year or so back while cleaning his rifle. No one had a clue what could possibly have caused it. My friend asked me if I'd ever heard of anything like it, or if we'd had similar cases in the past. But I'd never even heard of something like that, and I told him I wasn't going to be of any help to him. As far as I know, the coroner determined the cause of death as something like 'massive internal bleeding', but no one knows what really happened. I've never been able to forget that kid. I have nightmares about it sometimes. I don't let my kids go into the woods alone, and when we go together I never let them out of my sight. I used to love it out here. But that case, and a couple others, just sort of ruined it for me.' Dinner was over, so we started to clean up and go back to our cabins. Before we went our separate ways, he put his hand on my shoulder and looked at me really close. He tells me that there's bad things out here. Things that don't care if we have families or lives, or that we can think and feel. He tells me to be careful, and he walks away. I didn't a chance to talk with him again, but that story stuck with me.

PB: By pure coincidence, I got to talk to another vet, P.B who's been in the SAR field for years. We were partnered on a grid sweep during a training exercise, and we were chatting casually about how we liked the job, what kinds of things we'd seen, and the like. At one point, we passed an old set of stairs, though these were probably from an old fire lookout, given the area that we were in. I sort of casually mentioned that I was curious about the stairs, and that I wished I knew more about them. He got kind of quiet and looked like he wanted to tell me something, but wasn't sure if he should. Finally, he told me to turn my radio off. Obviously this is something we are never, ever supposed to do, but I did it, and he did the same.

About seven years ago, he tells me, he was out on a call with a rookie. They were in an area of the park that's had a lot of strange reports and events. Disappearances, stories about lights in the forest, odd noises, things like that. The rookie was totally spooked, kept going on and on about 'things out in the woods'. According to P.B: 'The guy wouldn't stop talking about 'the Goatman'. Just on and on, 'Goatman' this and 'Goatman' that. Finally, I told him that there was plenty else to be afraid of out here that was very real, and that he'd better get over this thing with the Goatman. The rookie wanted to know what kinds of things I was talking about, and I just told him to shut up and walk. We crested a little ridge and there was a staircase about ten yards ahead. The rookie stops dead in his tracks and just stands there looking at them. I tell him, 'See? That's something you should be afraid of.' The rookie asks me what the hell these are doing out here, and for some reason, I just open up and tell him the truth. Or what I've been told is the truth. I could have gotten in a lot of trouble for doing what I did, and I could get in a lot of trouble for repeating it to you. But you're a nice kid, and I want you to stop looking into this. Quit while you're ahead. So I'll tell you what I know, under the condition that you never breathe a word of this to the supes.' I told him I wouldn't say a word, and he double-checks that our radios are off. 'When I first started out, we were a little less tight-lipped about them, and other things that happen out here. We warned people before they were even hired that there was weird shit going on. I guess the Forest Service was tired of having such a massive turnover rate, and they wanted people to know what they were getting into. So they started having people sign these agreements that they wouldn't go to the media about what they were going to see. The FS didn't want to scare people away, so the last thing they needed were spooked rookies running off to the media with stories of ghosts and haunted stairs. But eventually, they found that the agreements weren't necessary. People not only didn't want to talk about what they saw, they wouldn't. A few times, media tried to talk to people when kids or hikers would disappear, and no one would say a word. I can't really explain it. I guess we just... don't really want to admit anything is wrong. This is our job, to be out in the woods every single day. We don't need to be spooked, and the best way to avoid that is to pretend like everything's okay. So I'll tell you everything I can think of, and after that, I'm done talking about it for good. And I expect you not to bring it up around me, ever. 'The stairs have been out here as long as the parks have existed. We have records going back decades describing them. Sometimes people go up them, and nothing happens. Other times... Look, I really don't like talking about this, but sometimes, really bad shit happens. I saw one guy get his hand sliced clean off when he got to the top step. He reached out to touch a tree branch, and it happened so fast. One second his hand was there, and the next it was gone. Completely clean wound. We didn't find his hand, and the guy almost died. Another time, a woman touched one of the stairs, and a blood vessel in her brain exploded. Literally exploded, like a water balloon. She sort of stumbled down and came over to me, and all she got out was 'I think something is wrong with me.' She dropped like a sack of flour, dead before she hit the ground. I'll never forget the way the blood leaked into the inside of her eye. Before she died, I watched it turn red. I watched it happen and there wasn't a single thing I could do to help. 'We warn people not to go anywhere near them but there's always at least one idiot who does. And even if nothing happens to them, something bad always happens. Kids go missing as we're on their trail. Someone dies the next day, cut in half in a completely safe part of the park. I don't know why, but something bad always happens. I don't know exactly why they're out here, but it doesn't matter. They're here, and if we were smart, we'd tell our new officers exactly what they're capable of.' We were both quiet for a little while. I was afraid to talk because I wasn't sure if he was done. He looked like he wanted to say something else. Finally he spoke up again. 'Have you ever noticed how you can't find the same ones twice?' I nodded, expecting him to continue. But he just stayed quiet, walking alongside me, and eventually he started a story about the biggest deer he'd ever seen in the park. I didn't bring up the subject again, and I didn't press him for any more stories. He dropped out of the op the next day. Apparently he left before the sun came up; he said he was sick. None of us have heard from him since he left.

I'm going to stop here for the time being. I'll try and post the next part in the coming days, but what with it being the end of summer, things are pretty busy here. Thanks for the continued interest, guys, you've really awakened this curiosity in me that I didn't know I had!

[ichigoreiyo]

Taggy

I was tagged by @varrix, @absolute-eruri-trash and @shippingeruri and I’ll answer all of your questions in this post in the order I mentioned your names.

Thank you for tagging me!

The Rules:

1. Always Post The Rules

2. Answer The Questions Given By The Person Who Tagged You

3. Write 11 Questions Of Your Own*

4. TAG PEOPLE*

*I’m not going to do these.

VARRIX: 

Holy moly @varrix-senpai tagged me, but I’m pretty sure she accidentally misspelled the name of the blog she actually wanted to tag, but I’ll take this opportunity. Lmao. Sorry and thank you, senpai. (At least I can feel fame for some minutes, because it’s like senpai noticed me.)

1. Best day of your life

The best is also one of my worst days: The day a letter from university arrived and it read I got accepted to Art Academy. I was so happy, I was close to tears, because it seemed I was good at something I live for. Art has always been the thing in my life I could die for… I was so happy and excited, my hands were shaking non-stop and I could hear my blood rushing through my veins in my ear.  But no one close to me was happy about the news. Neither my family nor my “friends”. Everyone told me I couldn’t do it, because I’m not good enough to become an artist. I cried the whole night, because my love for art died that night.

Another amazing day was yesterday, when my county’s parliament approved same-sex marriage. My friends and I celebrated that day way too hard and I feel like shit today.

2. Earliest childhood memory

When I was three, my late dog entered my room at night and shat onto my lego bricks because he hated me… No shit!

3. Most stressful experience

See above. And everything related to physical exercise. I’m so lazy, even a sloth is more active than me.

4. Most relatable quote

“Some men just want to watch the world burn.” I’m both, the men and the world and everything just burns and is consumed by those flames of hatred.

5. Scariest movie you’ve seen

I’m a slut for horror, thus I can’t give a proper answer to this question. I’ve seen to many films, I guess. But a film that was really scary, because it showed the reality so brutally was “Earthlings”, but it’s worth the watch.

6. Person/people who restores your faith in humanity

My best friend, who’s always there for me, listens to me and supports me as much as she can, although it has been a very rough time lately and literally everyone who’s trying to make this rotten planet a better place.

7. Something you could literally kill for

Some time ago, I’d answer “art”, but at the moment it’s just “getting healthy”. And Pizza. I love pizza so much.

8. Most beautiful person you’ve ever seen

Does Erwin count…? No. Damn. I dunno. There so many beautiful people out there I’d consider as “beautiful”, regardless on gender, skin colour or age.

9. Any phobias?

Too many to list them. Stupidity is one of them.

10. Place you feel most safe at

My bed. I truly and deeply love my bed. If I could I’d marry it right away.  Maybe I’m object-sexual?

11. Last thing that made you laugh to tears.

Earlier this month, my dog and I walked around a little lake, that was full of algae. The surface was completely covered in a very thick and slimy layer of green algae, which totally looked like a new-mowed meadow. All of a sudden, we could hear a frog croaking in the reeds on the opposite site of said lake and my dog, not the smartest one, went berserk and jumped in front of me, thinking the cover on the lake was some safe lawn. I’ll never forget his panicked face when he realised, he wasn’t landing on grass and I ended up cracking up with laughter after I rescued him…

ABSOLUTE-ERURI-TRASH:

Thank you so much, you cute thing! Have a lovely ghost hug: You can’t feel it, but it’s there!

1. What’s a game you used to love when you were younger?

Err, Super Mario, but I never finished any of the games, because I was just too stupid not to die a million of times.

2. What’s your favourite drink?

Non-alcoholic: Mineral water and cola once in while. Alcoholic: Vodka, Gin and Rum. Gin Tonic is my current fave.

3. Tell me about the best vacation you’ve ever been on / your dream vacation.

I don’t have money nor am I in the mood to think about vacation at the moment, though I want to travel to Australia and Japan within the next three years and hope the trips will meet my expectations.

4. What was your favorite subject at school?

History and psychology.

5. Tell me about your most horrible school teacher.

All most all of my Art and English teachers were horrible. Only one art teacher told me I was good at art and helped me with getting better, the others only told me not to waste my time with trying to draw, because I couldn’t draw for shit. But the English teachers were way worse. I wan’t even able to write down one sentence until I was 16 y/o and attended an English course of a native speaker who taught me how to write and speak within a few days. Lmao.

6. What did you want to be when you were younger?

A forensic doctor. 

7. Did you ever have a “crazy” hair colour?

Nope. I have red hair and I think that’s crazy enough.

8. Do you read fan fiction?

Is water wet? Better ask me if I do anything different.

9. Why did you decide to join Tumblr / to create your first Tumblr account?

Eru/Ri was the reason. I was a fan of S/n/K since late 2009 or early 2010 and shipped the Eru/Ris the moment I saw them. I don’t know, but I clung to the vets so much, because I never liked the kids. But I eventually decided to join after I read Sable’s and Skull9′s Eru/Ri djs in 2016. They kinda motivated me to join and constitute to the fandom.

10. Tell me about one thing that’s on your bucket list.

Scuba diving. I already went sky diving and experienced the feeling of flying through the sky, now I want to learn about the opposite.

11. Do you like horror movies?

s. above. Yes.

SHIPPINGERURI: 

Thank you so much for tagging me and asking these interesting questions, my dear.

1. Your role in school: Are / Were you the class clown? The bully? The loner? The diva? Let us know!

Ohhhh, I started as a loner and ended as a loner, but from the 7th to 10th grade I was like one of the cool kids, because one of the cool ones was sat next to me by the teacher and we got quite close after a few days and remained good friends until the end of school. That “cool kid's” clique was pretty cool, to be honest. Most of them were intelligent, funny and chill, okay, some were shit, but I really enjoyed their company.

Ah, and I can be a diva. If I don’t like something I’m not afraid of speaking up my mind and that causes some problems once in a while.

2. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be and why? (Can be in the present or something from the past.)

…way too many things. 

3. Which book / movie / tv show / game have you read / watched / played multiple times?

Book: Harry Potter and various books by Stephen King like “IT”. I used to read those books when I was a child and they still give some nostalgic feels. Movie: The Dark Knight and Requiem for a Dream. Two of my fave all time films. TV Show: Mh… No, I’m too lazy to watch shows and I haven’t seen most of the popular shows yet. Game: Pokémon! I’m one of those old uncool farts who still plays Pokémon. 

4. What is the most important thing or person in your life at the moment?

My bestie. She’s the best friend I could imagine and supports me so much. (s. above) 

5. Do you let creators for your fandom(s) know that you appreciate their work? If yes: How? If no: Why?

Yes, I usually comment on their work on twitter. I used to reblog their fan work with my old blog on tumblr, too, but I try to keep this one clean now. Also, I often recommend artworks or fics to my Eru/Ri friends - and believe me, I like lots of works and creators in this fandom.  I also recommend works of people I’m in row with and that’s many blogs. I think it’s important to support each other, regardless on our personal disagreements.

6. Have you ever sent anon hate? If yes: Why?

Nope. (Okay, I recently sent one ask to @erurilicious, but hey, she knew it was me right from the start, because I even told her I was sending an anon ask to her. Lmao. It was just for fun, but I’d never seriously sent one to someone, because I know how shitty I feel when I get one.)

7. Are you happy with your current occupation? If yes: What are you doing? If not: What would you like to do / be instead?

Nope. If I could I’d rather win the lottery than doing anything to earn money.

8. Have you ever created something for your fandom (art / writing / video / etc.) and haven’t published it?

Oh, a lot. Naked Erwins, ugly Erwins, even uglier Levis, fucking Eru/Ris, weird looking Mikes, strange Hanjis,… And the Pornstar!Erwin fic…

9. What’s your attitude towards pineapple on pizza?

There’s nothing wrong with pineapple on pizza. Pizza comes in so different shades of beauty and all of them are tasty. Stop pizza-shaming!

10. What’s your ideal mix of genres for a fanfic?

I don’t care for genres… so… It depends on the plot and setting.

11. What’s your favourite song at the moment?

Call of Silence

Haaaaah, hope you liked my answers to your very interesting questions! 

[yournewapartment]

I'm intending to move out of my mom's by fall, but I have two cats, and idk much about how to care for them on my own. I want to do it right, but I'm not very good with figuring out vet info or other care stuff for them.

Okay, so I’ve just spent the last two hours writing this post for you, in the hopes that you will change your mind. It’s way longer than I intended, but I tried to be thorough and comprehensive. Know that I have strong opinions about how to raise cats because they’re a huge part of my life. You might not agree with what I have to say, but this is what’s worked for me. I urge you to try different things and find out what works best for you! Before I get into it, let me talk about my cats…

I have a four year old orange tabby (Mason) and a sixteen year old tortoiseshell cat (Gretel) pictured in Appendix D. They have completely opposite personalities (Mason is super confident and talkative, Gretel is more standoffish) and they did NOT get along for the longest time. I’ve been with Gretel since she was three years old, so we’re very close and she’s very protective of me. After we moved into our current apartment, my boyfriend and I bought Mason to keep Gretel company. He was a rescue cat that had been previously returned after being adopted once, because he was “fresh”. He gave me the runaround when he first moved in, so I understand what it’s like to have a difficult cat.

It’s taken two years for them to both be comfortable with each other, but last week they fell asleep on the bed together (see Appendix D) and it was so beautiful. These cats have brought so much joy into my life, and I don’t know where I’d be without them. All these experiences, good and bad, have taught me that I never want to live without cats in my life.

Please feel free to direct message me if you want to talk about what taking care of cats on your own will mean for you. I am here for all your cat needs!

The Complete Guide to Living on Your Own (With Cats)

Phase 1: Your New Apartment

Before moving into your new home, follow these steps to make the process as comfortable as possible for your cats. You need to understand that they will be upset and act strange for the first few days, and this is absolutely normal and expected. Give them time- they’ll adjust.

1. Move the cats last. Move everything else you own into your new apartment, and get it set up as much as you can before moving your cats. Make sure there are plenty of places for them to hide that are easily accessible, like under your bed or in the back of a closet. Initially your cats will be very shell-shocked, and it will be easier for them to adjust if they smell familiar furniture and are able to find a secure place to hide.

2. Feliway. Buy yourself Feliway and spray it on walls and around doorways at your kitty’s eye level. I can’t tell you what it is or why it works (Science Side of Tumblr please explain), but your cats smell it and will feel much calmer. Feliway also helps when your cat starts peeing on everything, see Phase 2: Tantrums.

3. Moving your cats. If you have two cats, make sure that you move both cats at the same time. Even if they’re not the best of pals, a familiar face in a time of stress will soothe them. In the car ride they will cry, drool, pee, and sound like they’re dying. This is horrible to hear, but no that it’s only temporary. If you were in their situation you would act the same way! 

Hyperventilating. If you hear your cat start to hyperventilate, move them out of the carrier and comfort them immediately. I was transporting a cat with a high fever to the vet once and he started to do this, so I literally pulled over and drove with the cat in my lap the rest of the way. Once in my lap, he relaxed and started to breathe normally. The vet told me that I was lucky I did this, because the cat could’ve had a heart-attack. 

4. In the new apartment. Open your cat carrier and allow your cats to explore their new home at their own pace. Depending on your cat’s confidence, they might make a beeline for your bed and hide under it for the next two days. This is absolutely fine. Your cats may not want to eat or use the bathroom during these first few days, and this is normal. You often won’t eat if you’re stressed out, so understand that when they’re hungry, they’ll eat. If one of your cats is very upset, place their food and water bowl in the room they’re hiding in, so that they won’t feel threatened while they eat. 

5. Give it time. This could be less than a day or over a week, but your cat will come out from their hiding space of their own accord. They will walk around their new home and take everything in, and they’ll make themselves comfortable. Be there for your cat during this time, offering encouragement and love as they need it. It’s okay if they come out and retreat back to their safe hiding space, tell yourself that they will come out again.

Phase 2: Tantrums

Cats are mostly independent animals, but they do require lots of love and attention. Expect at least one or all of these tantrums to be thrown when you move them into your new home. Your cats are in a new environment that they are not wholly comfortable with, so it’s important to be patient and help them through this difficult time. 

1. Pooping. Your cat has an excellent sense of smell- they know where their litter box is. If they’re choosing to poop outside of the box, they are most likely looking for attention. Make sure that the poop has no blood in it (see Phase 4: Veterinarians + Common Diseases) and spend time making your cat feel special. This includes treats, playtime, combing, whatever they like best. 

2. Peeing A. Peeing is a form of scenting, which is essentially your cat being like “this is mine”. Your cats will probably do this a lot when you first move in, so make sure you have the proper cleaners ready (see Appendix A). Clean the spot thoroughly, and spray Feliway all over it. Your cat will smell the Feliway and think “Okay, I peed there already” and walk on. I’m not kidding. 

3. Peeing B. Peeing can also be an cry for attention, slightly different from scenting. Here’s how to tell the difference- does your cat only pee when you’re around? Typically this will only be done in areas that you frequent, like your bed or your couch. If so, then this is a cry for attention- see “Pooping”.

4. Peeing C. Is your cat declawed? I sure hope not, because that’s inhumane. But anyways, if it is… declawed cats require a different type of litter than the normal Tidy Cats brand. Call your local vet and consult with them about the best types of litter to use. 

5. Attacking. Is your cat attacking people/places/things? Get toys and play with them. Cats are evolved from fearsome predators, they need to be stimulated or they’ll get bored and start hunting whatever they can find. Here are some great toys to buy your cats so that they can “hunt” on their own, there’s something in there for every cat type.

Phase 3: A Place For Everyone

Jackson Galaxy is the Cat Guru, and you can find episodes of his show “My Cat From Hell” on Netflix. Whenever Jackson enters a home of a troublesome cat, he always looks at the environment in terms of how “cat-proof” it is. Your cat needs to have their own stuff, and whether this is a cardboard box or a $150 piece of cat furniture, it needs to be there. 

1. Bush vs. Tree dweller. I have a bush dweller and a tree dweller! Bush dwellers are the cats that like to hang out under tables and under beds, and they’re thought to be cats with less self-confidence. Tree dwellers like to climb and look down on their surroundings, reconnecting with their ancestors in the jungle. Cater your apartment based off of your cat’s needs. See Phase 6: Miscellaneous to learn more about different cat personalities. 

A word on bush dwellers. I was initially very upset to learn that Gretel is considered a low self-esteem cat. I kept trying to think of ways to make her more comfortable her surroundings, in the hopes that she would one day want to climb things and perch up high. Since getting Mason, she has slowly become a bush/tree dweller. She now climbs to the top rung of her cat furniture, and asks me to help her up on the kitchen table (it’s tall so she can’t jump). What I’m trying to say is that cats will gain confidence as they get more comfortable with their surroundings, and having a second and way more confident cat has helped her come into herself, even in her old age. So proud of my baby.

2. Cat furniture. I’m not going to lie to you, cat furniture is hella expensive. But it’s life-changing. Your cats recognize that its a piece of furniture for them, and they will run right over to it and begin exploring. If your cat is wary about climbing to the higher platforms or levels of the furniture, entice them with treats or a toy. The general rule is one piece of furniture per cat, because they will fight over them. If you have a very active cat, I’d recommend getting a multi-leveled piece. 

3. Cardboard boxes. The rumors are true- cats love cardboard boxes. Just open it up and leave it in the middle of the floor, and allow your cats to explore. If you’re not ready to drop $$$, place a warm blanket in the box and allow your cats to curl up. 

4. Windows. If you leave for work, leave your blinds open for your cats to peer out. If you don’t, they’ll peer out anyway and wreck your blinds. In the summer time it might seem like a nice idea to leave your windows partially open, but always make sure that your window screens are secure. If they’re not, add masking tape around the sides of the window until you can press on the screen and it doesn’t collapse.

5. Food and water. I like to keep a bowl of water in each room for the cats, and I refresh this daily. I like to add ice cubes in the summer so that the water isn’t that awful room temperature. If you feed your cats dry food, make sure that they’re drinking lots of water after eating. 

6. Litter box. Yeah, I know- it’s the worst part of being a cat owner. I keep mine in my hallway closet, and I leave the door partially open so that the cats can get in and out as they please. I’ve seen people with litter boxes in their bathrooms, their hallways, behind chairs in their living room, etc. The general rule is to have one more litter box than there is cat. I’m sorry, that’s crazy talk. I have a one bedroom apartment and I’m not having three litter boxes. One has worked fine for my babies, I just have to be vigilant about cleaning it. 

As far as choosing a cat litter brand, most cats are not picky. Some, however, are. Tidy Cats is expensive so I use whatever is on sale at CVS. I prefer scented because I have the litter box right by my front door. Find what works for you, but listen to your cat’s needs. 

Be wary of any brand of “lightweight” cat litter other than Tidy Cats. One time I bought Stop & Shop’s “Companion” lightweight litter and it hardened and stuck to the bottom of my litter box and I literally had to rehydrate it to remove it. DISGUSTING. 

7. Wall furniture. If you don’t have a lot of room on the floor of your apartment, consider putting up wall furniture for your cat. This can be anything from an expensive piece like this, or a simple wooden board for your cats to walk on. 

8. The floor is lava. Confident cats like to be up high on tables, window sills, cat furniture, etc. This is because back in their ancestral days, they had to peer down from the treetops to hunt their prey. Allow your cat this luxury, and try not to freak out if they walk on your kitchen counters or sit on your dining room table. Your cat is programmed to do this, the fact that your cat wants to be up high is a sign of confidence, a sign that your cat is comfortable with their surroundings. 

Phase 4: Veterinarians + Common Diseases

Your cat’s health is so important! There are lots of things you can do to maintain your cat’s health on your own (see Appendix B), but know that you will need to take one or both of your cats to the vet sometime this year. Remember to consult medical professionals if your cat is visibly ill. I am not a medical professional, but here are some of the things I’ve dealt with as a cat owner.

1. Hospitals vs. Doctors. My biggest expense as a cat owner is taking my babies to the vet. I have a Veterinary Hospital literally two minutes from my home, and Gretel hates the car so much that I always just take her there to get her to calm down. In general, hospitals are WAY more expensive than regular vet’s offices. Like, I’m talking over $100 difference. The expense is worth it for me, but it might not be for you. Find your closest vet office and put their number into your phone ASAP.

2. Making an appointment. If your cat is having a crisis, you can call during normal business hours and bring your cat in right then and there, but it’s going to cost you extra money. If your cat is not in imminent danger, call and make an appointment for the next day.

Theoretically, you’re supposed to bring your cat(s) or yearly check-ups and make sure they get all their vet shots. I’m gonna level with you- I don’t do this. I wish I could afford to do it, but I live paycheck to paycheck and can’t. You need to be able to take care of yourself, so if you’re poor like me, I’d advise saving vet visits for emergencies only. 

3. Vet insurance. Obviously- I do not have vet insurance. This means that I pay for all my vet visits out of pocket, and vet offices do not allow you to pay in installments, you have to pay all at once. My downstairs neighbor once had her cat held by a vet’s office because she didn’t have the money to pay for the vet bills. She had to get an emergency loan from her bank to be able to pay and get her cat released. Yikes. The one person I do know with pet insurance says that it saves her about 75% of her vet bill, but she’s a grown ass woman with a house. It’s okay if you don’t have vet insurance, there are still things you can do to improve your cat’s quality of life for reasonably cheap (See Appendix B).

3. Flea medication. Flea medication can be expensive, especially if you have two cats. Unfortunately, Advantage is the only medication that I have found effective. I’ve tried several different knock off brands, and while they worked, they didn’t last nearly as long as Advantage. I don’t worry about fleas that much in the winter, but I put it on my cats during the summer because there are lots of stray cats where I live.

4. Vomit. An occasional puke pile is nothing to be concerned about. There are lots of reasons why cats throw up, but 99% of them are digestion related. The worst part of puke is having to clean it up. As disgusting as it may be, the best way to clean up puke is to allow it to dry and to then clean it (see Appendix A). Lots of cats have food allergies (Mason, for example), so if your cat is throwing up multiple times in a week, change their diet (see Phase 5: Cat food).  If your cat throws up blood, take them to the vet immediately. 

5. Feline Respiratory Virus. Cats do not get colds like humans do, so be very wary if your cat has a runny nose, watery eye discharge, is sneezing or acting lethargic. These infections can kill cats if left untreated. If your cat is showing these symptoms, take them to the vet immediately. The vet will prescribe antibiotics that you will have to give your cat, and your cat should be feeling better within 24 hours. Once a cat gets an FRV, they are more susceptible to it. Cats can infect other cats, so keep your cats separated and give them separate food and water until your infected cat is visibly better. 

6. Bloody poop. Bloody poop (while disgusting) does not always signify illness. Sometimes it means that your cat is having trouble digesting, but other times it means that your cat has worms. Keep an eye on your cat’s poop, and if it’s still bloody after two additional days, take them to the vet and bring a sample of the poop with you. This stool sample will be tested by your vet, and if you don’t have one they will send you home and wait for you acquire one before testing anything.

7. Lumps. My cat Gretel currently has a lump on her face. I noticed it a couple months ago and took her to the vet. If your cat gets a lump suddenly, see if you can move the lump around with your fingers. If the lump feels solid and causes your cat pain, make an appointment ASAP. Gretel’s lump moves around freely and doesn’t cause her pain at all, so my vet told me not to worry about it. Cats grow non-cancerous tumors on their faces and bodies, as well as excesses of fatty tissue that cause bumps. Feeling a bump does not guarantee that your cat’s life is in danger.

8. Bottom line. Wondering if something is wrong with your cat? Ask yourself this simple question- Is your cat eating and drinking water? If your cat is not eating or drinking water, then something is wrong. Make an appointment and take them to the vet.

Phase 5: Cat Food

Spend some time researching different brands before deciding what to feed your cat. Here are some guidelines to help you.

1. Wet food vs. Dry food. It’s a scientifically acknowledged fact that wet food is much better for your cats than dry food. Unfortunately canned food can be up to three times as expensive per pound as dry food, and I can’t afford that on my budget. If you feed dry food, make sure that your cat is properly hydrated and drinking lots of water after they eat.

2. Junk food vs. Health food. Some cats are finicky eaters, mine are not. They do not care what type of food it is, they’re just happy to eat it. Meow Mix is super inexpensive and filling for cats, but it’s not healthy. It’s essentially like eating McDonalds every day. As a young adult, you probably can’t afford to spend large quantities of money on cat food. So compromise. Buy a bag of high quality “healthy” cat food, and a bag of cheap cat food, and give your cats a mixture of this.

3. Grain intolerance. Allergies are a real thing with cats. If your cat is having a hard time keeping food down, switch them to a grain free diet. I buy Rachel Ray cat food off of Amazon because Mason has a delicate stomach.

4. Proteins. Switch up the proteins in the food you’re feeding your cats. Spend a few months with salmon, then switch to chicken, then back to salmon, etc. I don’t remember why, but studies were done and this proved to be more healthy for cats.

5. How much food? Current studies say that cats should be feed about a half a cup of cat food per day. PER DAY. Cats also should have definitive feeding times, and should not be allowed to “graze” or eat all day. I feed my cats a cup of food in the morning (2 cats, half a cup each) and that’s all they get. One of the most common problems that cat owners have is over-feeding. 

6. Fast eaters. Mason has this problem where he gobbles down food super fast (he doesn’t even chew it half the time) and then throws up a few minutes later. You can buy special plates online that force cats to eat slowly like this one. 

7. What not to feed them. Check out this link. Also if your cat accidentally drinks antifreeze give them alcohol. 

8. Changing food. Remember that you can’t just feed your cat one food one day and a different food the next day. If you do, they’ll throw up. If you need to switch your cat’s food, do it gradually. Here’s how:

First day of switch: 95% old food, 5% new food

Second day: 75% old food, 25% new food

Third day: 75% old food, 25% new food

Fourth day: 50% of both foods

Fifth day: 50% of both foods

Sixth day: 25% old food, 75% new food

Seventh day: 25% old food, 75% new food

Eighth day: 5% old food, 95% new food

Ninth day: 5% old food, 95% new food 

10th day: 100% new food!

Phase 6: Miscellaneous 

1. Cat types. I’m a big believer in the ASPCA feline-alities. ASPCA employees essentially give cats a personality test to see how they perform under stress. They have something wonderful to say about even the shyest of cats, it really puts everything in perspective. Check it out here. Points if you can guess my cat’s personality types based off what I’ve written here.

2. Bathing. Generally speaking, cats and water do not mix. I don’t bathe my cats because they don’t really get gross enough to require bathing. The one time I did try to bathe Gretel was an absolute disaster, so barring her overcoming her fear of water, I’m never going to do it again. She’s old and sleeps next to my head every night, so sometimes I have to help her clean up a bit. If your cat steps in poop or dirt or whatever, use baby wipes. 

3. “My Cat Doesn’t Like to Play”. Bullshit. All cats like to play, you just haven’t found the right toy. Mason responds to strings that are waved in circles above his head, squeaky toys, and things that are thrown so that he can run and “catch” his prey. Gretel likes crinkly things like candy wrappers, and will only chase a string if it’s dragged on the ground. Mess around and figure out what makes your cat tick. After playing your cat will:

Have a snack

Clean themselves

Take a nap

4. Reprimanding cats. I found a great post on Tumblr a year ago explaining this phenomenon, but I currently can’t find it, so I’m going to paraphrase. Essentially, cats don’t have great short-term memory, so you have to be careful when yelling at them. If your cat pees on your couch, and you don’t discover it until three hours later, yelling at your cat will accomplish absolutely nothing. They won’t understand why you’re upset, and they won’t understand what they did was wrong. You have to reprimand your cat’s either while they’re in the act of being naughty (i.e, peeing on the couch) or directly afterwards. 

Appendices 

Appendix A. Cleaners

Carpet cleaner (I recommend Resolve)

Hardwood floor cleaner (I recommend Bona)

Plastic gloves (I recommend whatever is cheapest)

Bleach (or a tile cleaner you feel more comfortable with)

 Appendix B. Caring for your cat.

Feliway

Cat lax (for those with hairballs)

Flea medication (you can buy Advantage in bulk on Amazon)

Brush (brushing decreases the risk of hairballs, fleas, and your clothes looking like shit. It can also be a way to bond with your cat)

Toys (get an assortment like this one)

Supplements (if you have an old cat, check out elder cat supplements on Amazon)

Ear cleansers like Epiklean (Did you know that you’re supposed to clean your cat’s ears every month? I didn’t! Gretel had an ear infection because her ears hadn’t been cleaned in 15 years)

Baby wipes (Gretel is very old, and sometimes she has a poopy butt. I recommend baby wipes for elder cats)

Multi-purpose treats (buy treats that are beneficial for your cat’s health, like treats with calcium or treats that help with hairballs)

Appendix C. Cat behavior.

Appendix D. Mason and Gretel

[fossadeileonixv]

FDL Season Preview

It’s go time babies.

First and foremost, If you have not submitted your picks for the kit contest, DO SO HERE. I will repeat this at the end too. Some of y’all still need that push!

Anywhoo...

The season is now upon us. We’re gonna skip the game preview this week for a few reasons (all completely on me) and run with the season preview. For this, I’ve reached out to Mike and Av for their insights on the upcoming campaign and all three of us have given some input on the mercato and our expectations from the upcoming season. So let’s get to it.

What was the biggest signing of the mercato?

Mike: The biggest one going into the year is easily Higuain. We haven't had stone cold killer up front like him since Ibra left in. That's not hyperbole, that's the truth. Having a striker with kind of ability and history is like a nice warm blanket on a cold night. He has scored against the biggest and best teams on the boot and should continue to do so. Hopefully having him on the team gives us a confidence we just didn't have last year.

Av: Pipita! Pipita! Pipita! I can’t get across just how excited I am about having this guy here. Due in part to the fact that his transfer was triggered by the C-Ron arrival at Juve and overshadowed somewhat by the LeoDini Show at Milan, I genuinely don’t think Milanista have had the chance to drink in the significance of this move. During the mercato I was developing a stomach ulcer whilst we were shopping for strikers as it looked equally likely that we might sign Morata (barf!) or Falcao (double barf!), but instead we signed the premier striker of Serie A! Pure Win Baby!

After a string of pure "meh" involving Matri, Menez, Destro, Torres, Adriano, K*****c and Silva we finally have an out and out striker for the first time since Ibra left. When you recall how impotent we looked in some games last season I think a very large part of our success this year will hang on how well Pipita does and the idea of him being shadowed by Poaching Patrick has me dreaming! I genuinely think Pipita will play a significant role in our march to the CL places this year. I'm hoping that guys like Hakan and Castillejo can play their part to give Higuain a platform to work from and he'll do the rest. I think if Pipita starts to bang them in he will help galvanise the team with a mentality that they can win. I honestly think he will give us the exact same boost that CRon is giving Juve if not more and that belief is going to be crucial for us this season, mark my words!

TR: Pipita without a doubt. Like Mike and Av said, we haven’t had a striker, or really a player, of his caliber since Zlatan. I’m going to go a little further than Av and say that there is probably no other player who’s performance will have a greater impact on whether or not we qualify for the Champions League. That is the upgrade we absolutely needed in the position that arguably needed it the most.

2) What is your biggest concern going into the season?

Mike: Last year Gattuso fell in love with a certain XI which was fine for about 8 weeks but then he, and the congested schedule drove us into the ground. We tried battling on 3 fronts while playing the same XI almost every game. Total madness. Suso and Jack were total zombies late. Biglia got hurt. Donnarumma looked exhausted. Part of that was Gattuso coming on board midyear, and I understand that. He has to be willing and able to rotate more and he's definitely equipped with the players to do that this season. We have have a lot of players that can play multiple spots in multiple formations. Let's see how he puts the pieces together.

Av: Have we finally got rid of our "Misfield"? My gut says maybe not. Baka, to me anyway, is a Kessie clone which is fair enough if it reduces our over reliance on Frank but I really wished we had landed someone like SMS. Yes, he was a dream ticket purchase that was never likely but you have to admit that having SMS flanked by Frank the Tank woulda been hella sweet. As it is, I feel our biggest deficiency is the mid unless the new additions are a class above what we had last season and only time will tell. We have guys like Borini & Biglia but we need some midfield brains to go with the brawn and still think we are lacking that outside Hakan. My other issue is that we seem to have only two genuine strikers? I dont want to jinx anything ......but you know....injuries!?!?

TR: An injury to Biglia or Higuain. For all the hard work Leodini did this season, they were unable to address the depth, or dearth of, particularly in the midfield. And to be honest, that’s not fault of their own. We’ve seen how building teams overnight perform, and they put together the puzzle pieces they had in a way that creates something recognizable. However, while injuries to Franck and Jack can be mitigated with Baka and Laxalt, a Biglia injury or one to Pipita and we face a rather dramatic dropoff in quality in relation to their backups. Unless you switch formations, you would have Montolivo pulling the strings in midfield or Patrick, my dear sweet baby Patrick, leading a line for an extended period of time. Not a death knell, but one that instantly jeopardizes CL contention.

3) Conversely, what gives you most hope.

Mike: I'm an eternal optimist so I can find a way for everything to give me hope, even Suso. What gives me the most hope is our combination of youth AND experience. What i mean is our young guys have played and played a lot. R13 is 23 but has already played 171 games. Donnarumma 19/135. Caldara 24/126 Calabria 21/52. We are young AND have a lot of game time under our belts. That's huge going forward. All that youth with vets like Higuain up top, Biglia in the middle and a backup like Reina? That's a nice mix.

Avia: Elliott Management. Crazy, I know, but their clean sweep of the previous administration and the introduction of Leodini was a master stroke. It now feels like we have people in charge who remember what Milan were all about and not naval gazers who made a nostalgia based purchase. It feels like we have taken a genuine step towards the Milan we all know and love. If they land Gazidis then colour me happy, we have Leodini taking care of the football side of things and someone like Gazidis coming from the EPL to help boost our off field business acumen. Milan.... the footballing fraternity welcomes you back from your self imposed exile.

TR: Agreeing with Av here, it has got to be the management. Elliot, as evil as they are, are astute businessmen so I take both solace and self-hatred knowing that they’re the ones overseeing this thing. The financial side of the club is out of the hands of old buffoons and con artist thrill-seekers. On the technical and sporting side, they’re making all the right moves. Maldini’s return can’t be overstated and I truly trust Leonardo to work alongside him building a project. Both sides seem to be on the same page and for the first time in a long time, I’m truly excited and hopeful to be a Milan fan.

4) What or who you think will surprise us?

Mike: I think Laxalt will be the signing of the year for us. I've loved the guy for a while now and can't wait to see him in our colors. He can play both LB and LM an provide some spicy sauce on that left side that we haven't seen in quite some time. His play and runs behind guys like Hakan, Jack and Castillejo should be fun to watch.  

Av: Laxalt. Had a pretty good world cup and hope that he comes alive and helps boss our "Misfield". Got my fingers crossed for him, will be great to see some damned speed in the midfield and see how well he can work with RRod. Maybe its his hair but he kinda reminds me of a very young Edgar Davids.

TR: Baka. If Leodini saw enough in him to take a flyer (or maybe flier) on him, then I trust their judgement. His CL performances for Monaco are still very fresh in my head and I think the slower pace of Serie A may draw that player out once more. How he fits in is something I still can’t call, but I have high expectations for him. Much like you do at the beginning of a relationship when you first see only the best of someone and misread their potential as unlimited so you accidentally say ‘I love you, Timoue’ way too early on and while he may not feel the same, he says it too because he thinks that he might fulfill those words some day. But that day never comes, with the ash from that damning phrase’s impact with your small, vulnerable planet, still lingering high in the sky, refusing to settle and slowly impairing the life on this once fecund planet from regenerating, with only the most stubborn, prickly, and aesthetically uncompromising life forms surviving.

Anyways, I’m fine.

5) Ummm, moving on. What or who you think will disappoint us?

Mike: I probably shouldn't answer this question. I'm not sure about disappointment... but I am worried about how the CB pairing goes. Working out a new pairing always takes time. Folks are gonna have to be patient and there's gonna be speed bumps the first few months.

Av: Donna. Due in part to his a-hole agent, i just know that at some point during this season his performances will make me wish we had shipped him to land SMS. With Reina in place I think Donna is more than just surplus. This will no doubt elicit a groan from most but I'm praying Rino doesnt let us down! The squad is pretty solid apart from the reservations I harbour about our midfield so it will be interesting to see how Rino goes about business this time. Wide down the wings or narrow through the middle?

TR: I’ll be that guy. Rino scares the hell out of me. He’s my favorite Milan player of all time, so I assure you this isn’t something personal, but I’m not entirely convinced as of yet. That winter run was magic, but there were a few distressing decisions and performances when we came back down to earth, so my worry is even more-so now with the expectations ramped up, that he is in over his head. I trust Leodini and I definitely think he’ll benefit from his relationship with them, but I think more than any other factor, Rino is going to make or break out chances at a top four finish.

6) Make a bold prediction!

Mike: Higuain leads the league in goals. PERIOD. (League-wide, my bold prediction is that Ronaldo doesn't finish top 3 in scoring and SMS has a Belotti-esque fall from grace and Lazio finish out of Europe)

Av: Write this down or screenshot it kids ....#15in6! I think Higuain will finish Capocannoniere, help us secure a CL spot and then decide he wants to make his loan to Milan permanent! Buy your official shirts while you still can!

TR: Rino switches formations before the first international break. I think he’s slowly moving towards a 4-2-3-1 and expect to see that sooner rather than later.

7) What will satisfy you as a Milan fan this year? More precisely, what constitutes a successful year?

Mike: Champions League for next year. It's CL or bust. F the Coppa. F the Europa league.  

Av: The ONLY thing that will make me happy is a finish in the CL spots. Anything less will have been futile. CL PLACES. ARE. A. MUST! Bearing in mind that Elliott are asset stripping hawks I don’t want to see what they have in store for us should we continue to finish outside the CL spots the next 2-3 seasons. Either we finish in the CL spots or Rino is gone at the end of the season.

TR: While I think it is fair that Mike and Av have concluded that missing out on the CL is a failure, I personally don’t see the season as a waste if we finish 5th. Finishing below fifth is indeed a failure in my eyes, but I think if we see growth, whether it be a deep Europa run, a more dynamic attack, consistent performances, not dropping five points against newly promoted sides, and so on ad so forth, that that in itself is enough for me. Maybe I’m setting my expectations too low, but when was the last time you saw something connecting two consecutive seasons? When was the last time we built off something the season prior? We have team capable of finishing fourth, but in many respects, last year was 0 and this year is year 1.

7) That was great guys. Especially TR’s responses. Outstanding work. So let’s wrap it up. Who finishes top 6?

Mike: Juve, Napoli, Milan, Roma, Inter, Fiorentina

Av: Juve, Napoli, Inter, Milan, Roma, Nazio

TR: Juve, Napoli, Inter, Roma, Milan, Atalanta

Sowwy! I hope I’m wrong!

Aiight kids, that wraps it up. 14:30 EST tomorrow and hit us with da feedback

Again, make your kit contest picks here!

[samuelfields]

You’ve done everything “right” but you’re still worried about money. Why?

Our product team has been working on something so interesting, I asked them to share some of the insights we’ve discovered.

Alistair Clark, one of our product developers, has been speaking with people who have already done the basics of personal finance: These people have already set up automated savings accounts and invested. Many have accumulated considerable amounts of money in the hundreds of thousands (or millions) of dollars.

So what’s next? What do you do when you’ve already done the basics of personal finance?

Alistair got the kind of behind-the-scenes access that few of us have. He spoke to wealthy people about their hopes, fears, and dreams around money — and discovered that once you’re at a more advanced level, your concerns change. Your goals change. And whether you intended to or not, your lifestyle changes.

Let’s see what he found.

Alistair, take it away…

_

Every week, Ramit gets thousands of emails with questions about personal finance.

99% of the time, his answer is the same: “Go read my book, I Will Teach You to be Rich.”

But 1% of the time, he gets a really interesting email that doesn’t have a simple answer, and he’ll forward it over to the IWT product team to see if we can help.

For example, check out this email a reader sent to Ramit after reading the IWT book:

It’s too beginner for me. I finished because of the entertaining style and I like to vet books before recommending them. My stage is this:

Zero debt… pay credit cards to zero, twice a month. Paid off my mortgage 25 years early ($230k). Haven’t paid a car loan in over 5 years. And my twins are now in school (so no more $1,500/mo child care any longer).

I’m self-made with a video production/photography business + my wife is a psychologist with the VA, so we have a decent income.

We each have contributed $18k into our 401ks (mine is a solo-k) for years.

We have maxed our ROTHs for about 7 years each (more on this later).

We are very frugal (our two spending items are 1. quality food (groceries) and 2. travel).

I’m about to turn 38, wife is 34.

We have $750k-$775k invested/saved and adding our house puts us over a million.

WHAT NOW!?!

At IWT, we love seeing emails like this. Here’s someone who actually took action, implemented our personal finance advice, and is now in a great place with their finances.

From the outside in, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about! And yet, we continue to get emails just like this from people worrying about their finances.

What’s going on here? Why do we worry about money even though we’re doing everything right?

The psychology of why we worry about money

In Ramit’s book, he outlines what we call “The Ladder of Personal Finance.” People loved having a clear roadmap telling them exactly what to do next.

“The Ladder of Personal Finance” from Ramit’s book, I Will Teach You To Be Rich

But eventually, you get to the end and there are no more rungs on the ladder. You’ve checked all the boxes. All you’re left with is that same empty feeling we had after finishing our favorite video game that we spent hours trying to master. Except… you don’t have another game to play. With your finances, it can seem like the only thing left to do is sit and wait for the next 30 or 40 years until you retire.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds boring as hell.

I’m impatient. I want to be optimizing, tweaking, and doing something to keep getting better every single day. If someone came to me tomorrow and said, “OK Alistair, you’ve checked all the boxes for your business. Now you just have to put it on autopilot and go sit on a beach for the next 30 years,” I’d tell them they were crazy.

Humans are problem-solving machines. We aren’t good at sitting on our hands and being patient. For example, just look at this video of a woman in a self-driving car for the first time. Does she look relaxed? No! She is freaking out and worrying because she has nothing to do.

If money is supposed to buy us peace of mind, then why do some of us act just like this woman in the self-driving car? And what is the “last mile” that can get us to be more zen about our finances? 

3 things we noticed from people who don’t worry about money

As I mentioned above, I’m on the product team here at IWT. We’re in the course-making business, which means solving some gnarly problems for our readers. And this is the type of big question we LOVE to tackle to see if we can find interesting, counterintuitive solutions.

Over the past month, we’ve been digging into the tactics and mindsets of the wealthy to find out what they do once they’ve “checked all the boxes” and mastered the basics of personal finance.

How do they get to that enviable position where they never have to worry about money again? What do these carefree people know that we don’t?

Today I’d like to share three examples:

1. They are prepared for everything

Earlier this year, the New Yorker ran a fascinating article titled “Doomsday Prep for the Super-Rich”. In the piece they described how some of the smartest, most successful people from Silicon Valley and Wall Street are preparing for the apocalypse (yes, you read that correctly). They are buying remote property, building self-sustaining bunkers, and sometimes even stockpiling ammunition to prepare for the eventual breakdown of civilization.

When asked the simple question of “Why?” here’s what Yishan Wong, the former CEO of Reddit, told the New Yorker:

Most people just assume improbable events don’t happen, but technical people tend to view risk very mathematically … The tech preppers do not necessarily think a collapse is likely. They consider it a remote event, but one with a very severe downside, so, given how much money they have, spending a fraction of their net worth to hedge against this … is a logical thing to do.

Maybe you’re not ready to drop a few million on a bunker in rural Kansas, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be prepared for the future.

In speaking to our students who worry about money, I’ve noticed that a lot of people are afraid of unpredictable things that might happen in their future. Some people refer to these as “the things you don’t know that you don’t know” or “unknown unknowns.” Here’s how one student described his fear:

What worries me isn’t job loss. What worries me is the million other things that could pop up. What’s hiding around the corner that I don’t know about?

This type of fear can be incredibly powerful, because your imagination runs wild with worst-case scenarios. It’s like when you are walking down the stairs into a pitch black basement of a rickety old house. It’s terrifying. Anything could be lurking in those shadows.

But there’s a simple solution: Turn on a light.

You can do the same thing with your finances. Instead of being afraid of “unknown unknowns,” you can shine a light on your financial future by learning from people ten years older than you who can tell you exactly what to expect.

We call it the “10 Year Savings Strategy” and wrote about it here.

2. They protect the money they already have

Ever see a news story about a rock star or athlete going bankrupt and wonder, “How is it even possible to lose that much money?” ESPN’s documentary Broke investigated the phenomenon of very rich athletes going completely broke. The statistics are shocking:

According to a 2009 Sports Illustrated article, 60 percent of former NBA players are broke within five years of retirement. By the time they have been retired for two years, 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are under financial stress.

One of the primary causes of financial problems for these athletes was not extravagant spending. It was mostly due to bad investments, ranging from real estate to restaurants to car washes.

It’s an interesting cautionary tale because one of the most common questions I get from students who have “mastered the basics” of personal finance is “How do I make my investments grow faster?”

As your wealth grows, you’ll find the investing opportunities start to grow as well. Instead of just a “boring” target date fund, now you can buy real estate, invest in start-ups, and take sizable positions in individual stocks. At a certain level, the world of hedge funds and private equity start to open up as well. It’s tempting to throw your money at these exciting opportunities and promises of outsized returns and it’s easy to develop an obsession with growth and moving faster.

I find this fascinating, because the research I’ve done revealed that the most successful wealthy people have the opposite approach. Instead of asking “what can I gain?” their #1 question is “how can I avoid losing money?”

For example, Warren Buffett has two rules of investing:

Rule 1: Never lose money.

Rule 2: Never forget rule 1.

So what does this mean for you?

This is more a matter of mastering your own psychology than any new tactic or fancy asset allocation. There’s a reason at IWT we consistently recommend boring, simple investments like lazy portfolios and target date funds.

But we’ve also spent enough time studying the psychology of personal finance to know that being a 100% disciplined monk with your investments is near impossible. No matter how much you read about the merits of basic index investing and why stock picking never works, there’s still a little voice in your head saying, “Yeah, but what if I find the next Amazon stock? I’d be a millionaire in five years!”

Here’s what we recommend: instead of suppressing that voice in your head, embrace it. Take 5% of your portfolio and put it aside for whatever crazy idea you have for making your money grow faster. Invest in Bitcoin. Buy $5,000 in Tesla stock. Invest in your cousin’s car wash if you want.

Do whatever you want, because while you might lose that 5%, you can sleep well at night knowing 95% of your money is still safe and protected.

3. They don’t do it alone

There’s a great scene in Entourage where the agent Ari Gold is introducing the management team of actress and singer Mandy Moore.

(Heads up: You may want to put in headphones for that link, there’s some NSFW language in that clip.) 

It’s kind of eye-opening as he goes down the line introducing this super-team of six people who are required to manage the career of just one person: manager, music agent, publicist, attorney, music manager, theatrical agent, etc.

It’s also possible to develop the same type of super-team to manage your finances and literally outsource your worry to someone else. Attorneys, accountants, life insurance specialists, financial planners, investment advisers, and even a psychologist or psychiatrist could all be part of your financial super-team.

You might be thinking, “Wait, what? I thought Ramit hated financial advisors. Doesn’t he spend an entire chapter in his book telling me NOT to hire a financial advisor. So what’s going on here?”

I asked Ramit about this incongruence, and he pointed out a really interesting and counterintuitive insight: Once you reach a certain point, the basic personal finance rules no longer apply.

Normal people with ordinary financial needs don’t require an advisor. That’s why we tell most people it’s not worth their time. But once you’ve conquered the basics, then the basic rules no longer apply.

Here are a few scenarios where it DOES make sense to pay an advisor:

When you have a lot of investable assets (~$1MM+) and have much more to lose if you make a mistake.

If you have complex situations (imagine having three kids, planning for college, and buying a house at the exact same time).

When you just want a second set of eyes to make sure you have everything done right and aren’t missing anything.

When you’re short on time and want to pay for convenience (e.g., you can hire a bookkeeper who you forward bills to and who pays them for you).

When you run your own business, an accountant is a no-brainer who can “cover your ass” and also look out for things you don’t know about.

Is hiring an advisor expensive? Yes, of course. But ask yourself, how much is constantly worrying about your finances costing you?

If you’re looking at getting help with your finances from a professional, then we recommend beginning your search at the National Association of Personal Finance Advisors (www.napfa.org). These advisors are fee-based (they usually have an hourly rate), not commission-based, meaning that they want to help you, not profit off their recommendations.

***

If you read I Will Teach You to be Rich, applied everything, and you’re now running into new, more advanced problems where there aren’t clear answers… it can feel weird to bring stuff like that up to friends. “Hi, do any of you know what to do after you max out your 401k and pay off your house? Thanks!”

But here at IWT, you’re with your fellow weirdos. It’s safe, we promise. In the comments tell us how you’ve “leveled up” and what you need help on next. We want to help.

You’ve done everything “right” but you’re still worried about money. Why? is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.

from Finance https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/youve-done-everything-right-but-youre-still-worried-about-money-why/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[paulckrueger]

You’ve done everything “right” but you’re still worried about money. Why?

Our product team has been working on something so interesting, I asked them to share some of the insights we’ve discovered.

Alistair Clark, one of our product developers, has been speaking with people who have already done the basics of personal finance: These people have already set up automated savings accounts and invested. Many have accumulated considerable amounts of money in the hundreds of thousands (or millions) of dollars.

So what’s next? What do you do when you’ve already done the basics of personal finance?

Alistair got the kind of behind-the-scenes access that few of us have. He spoke to wealthy people about their hopes, fears, and dreams around money — and discovered that once you’re at a more advanced level, your concerns change. Your goals change. And whether you intended to or not, your lifestyle changes.

Let’s see what he found.

Alistair, take it away…

_

Every week, Ramit gets thousands of emails with questions about personal finance.

99% of the time, his answer is the same: “Go read my book, I Will Teach You to be Rich.”

But 1% of the time, he gets a really interesting email that doesn’t have a simple answer, and he’ll forward it over to the IWT product team to see if we can help.

For example, check out this email a reader sent to Ramit after reading the IWT book:

It’s too beginner for me. I finished because of the entertaining style and I like to vet books before recommending them. My stage is this:

Zero debt… pay credit cards to zero, twice a month. Paid off my mortgage 25 years early ($230k). Haven’t paid a car loan in over 5 years. And my twins are now in school (so no more $1,500/mo child care any longer).

I’m self-made with a video production/photography business + my wife is a psychologist with the VA, so we have a decent income.

We each have contributed $18k into our 401ks (mine is a solo-k) for years.

We have maxed our ROTHs for about 7 years each (more on this later).

We are very frugal (our two spending items are 1. quality food (groceries) and 2. travel).

I’m about to turn 38, wife is 34.

We have $750k-$775k invested/saved and adding our house puts us over a million.

WHAT NOW!?!

At IWT, we love seeing emails like this. Here’s someone who actually took action, implemented our personal finance advice, and is now in a great place with their finances.

From the outside in, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about! And yet, we continue to get emails just like this from people worrying about their finances.

What’s going on here? Why do we worry about money even though we’re doing everything right?

The psychology of why we worry about money

In Ramit’s book, he outlines what we call “The Ladder of Personal Finance.” People loved having a clear roadmap telling them exactly what to do next.

“The Ladder of Personal Finance” from Ramit’s book, I Will Teach You To Be Rich

But eventually, you get to the end and there are no more rungs on the ladder. You’ve checked all the boxes. All you’re left with is that same empty feeling we had after finishing our favorite video game that we spent hours trying to master. Except… you don’t have another game to play. With your finances, it can seem like the only thing left to do is sit and wait for the next 30 or 40 years until you retire.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds boring as hell.

I’m impatient. I want to be optimizing, tweaking, and doing something to keep getting better every single day. If someone came to me tomorrow and said, “OK Alistair, you’ve checked all the boxes for your business. Now you just have to put it on autopilot and go sit on a beach for the next 30 years,” I’d tell them they were crazy.

Humans are problem-solving machines. We aren’t good at sitting on our hands and being patient. For example, just look at this video of a woman in a self-driving car for the first time. Does she look relaxed? No! She is freaking out and worrying because she has nothing to do.

If money is supposed to buy us peace of mind, then why do some of us act just like this woman in the self-driving car? And what is the “last mile” that can get us to be more zen about our finances? 

3 things we noticed from people who don’t worry about money

As I mentioned above, I’m on the product team here at IWT. We’re in the course-making business, which means solving some gnarly problems for our readers. And this is the type of big question we LOVE to tackle to see if we can find interesting, counterintuitive solutions.

Over the past month, we’ve been digging into the tactics and mindsets of the wealthy to find out what they do once they’ve “checked all the boxes” and mastered the basics of personal finance.

How do they get to that enviable position where they never have to worry about money again? What do these carefree people know that we don’t?

Today I’d like to share three examples:

1. They are prepared for everything

Earlier this year, the New Yorker ran a fascinating article titled “Doomsday Prep for the Super-Rich”. In the piece they described how some of the smartest, most successful people from Silicon Valley and Wall Street are preparing for the apocalypse (yes, you read that correctly). They are buying remote property, building self-sustaining bunkers, and sometimes even stockpiling ammunition to prepare for the eventual breakdown of civilization.

When asked the simple question of “Why?” here’s what Yishan Wong, the former CEO of Reddit, told the New Yorker:

Most people just assume improbable events don’t happen, but technical people tend to view risk very mathematically … The tech preppers do not necessarily think a collapse is likely. They consider it a remote event, but one with a very severe downside, so, given how much money they have, spending a fraction of their net worth to hedge against this … is a logical thing to do.

Maybe you’re not ready to drop a few million on a bunker in rural Kansas, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be prepared for the future.

In speaking to our students who worry about money, I’ve noticed that a lot of people are afraid of unpredictable things that might happen in their future. Some people refer to these as “the things you don’t know that you don’t know” or “unknown unknowns.” Here’s how one student described his fear:

What worries me isn’t job loss. What worries me is the million other things that could pop up. What’s hiding around the corner that I don’t know about?

This type of fear can be incredibly powerful, because your imagination runs wild with worst-case scenarios. It’s like when you are walking down the stairs into a pitch black basement of a rickety old house. It’s terrifying. Anything could be lurking in those shadows.

But there’s a simple solution: Turn on a light.

You can do the same thing with your finances. Instead of being afraid of “unknown unknowns,” you can shine a light on your financial future by learning from people ten years older than you who can tell you exactly what to expect.

We call it the “10 Year Savings Strategy” and wrote about it here.

2. They protect the money they already have

Ever see a news story about a rock star or athlete going bankrupt and wonder, “How is it even possible to lose that much money?” ESPN’s documentary Broke investigated the phenomenon of very rich athletes going completely broke. The statistics are shocking:

According to a 2009 Sports Illustrated article, 60 percent of former NBA players are broke within five years of retirement. By the time they have been retired for two years, 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are under financial stress.

One of the primary causes of financial problems for these athletes was not extravagant spending. It was mostly due to bad investments, ranging from real estate to restaurants to car washes.

It’s an interesting cautionary tale because one of the most common questions I get from students who have “mastered the basics” of personal finance is “How do I make my investments grow faster?”

As your wealth grows, you’ll find the investing opportunities start to grow as well. Instead of just a “boring” target date fund, now you can buy real estate, invest in start-ups, and take sizable positions in individual stocks. At a certain level, the world of hedge funds and private equity start to open up as well. It’s tempting to throw your money at these exciting opportunities and promises of outsized returns and it’s easy to develop an obsession with growth and moving faster.

I find this fascinating, because the research I’ve done revealed that the most successful wealthy people have the opposite approach. Instead of asking “what can I gain?” their #1 question is “how can I avoid losing money?”

For example, Warren Buffett has two rules of investing:

Rule 1: Never lose money.

Rule 2: Never forget rule 1.

So what does this mean for you?

This is more a matter of mastering your own psychology than any new tactic or fancy asset allocation. There’s a reason at IWT we consistently recommend boring, simple investments like lazy portfolios and target date funds.

But we’ve also spent enough time studying the psychology of personal finance to know that being a 100% disciplined monk with your investments is near impossible. No matter how much you read about the merits of basic index investing and why stock picking never works, there’s still a little voice in your head saying, “Yeah, but what if I find the next Amazon stock? I’d be a millionaire in five years!”

Here’s what we recommend: instead of suppressing that voice in your head, embrace it. Take 5% of your portfolio and put it aside for whatever crazy idea you have for making your money grow faster. Invest in Bitcoin. Buy $5,000 in Tesla stock. Invest in your cousin’s car wash if you want.

Do whatever you want, because while you might lose that 5%, you can sleep well at night knowing 95% of your money is still safe and protected.

3. They don’t do it alone

There’s a great scene in Entourage where the agent Ari Gold is introducing the management team of actress and singer Mandy Moore.

(Heads up: You may want to put in headphones for that link, there’s some NSFW language in that clip.) 

It’s kind of eye-opening as he goes down the line introducing this super-team of six people who are required to manage the career of just one person: manager, music agent, publicist, attorney, music manager, theatrical agent, etc.

It’s also possible to develop the same type of super-team to manage your finances and literally outsource your worry to someone else. Attorneys, accountants, life insurance specialists, financial planners, investment advisers, and even a psychologist or psychiatrist could all be part of your financial super-team.

You might be thinking, “Wait, what? I thought Ramit hated financial advisors. Doesn’t he spend an entire chapter in his book telling me NOT to hire a financial advisor. So what’s going on here?”

I asked Ramit about this incongruence, and he pointed out a really interesting and counterintuitive insight: Once you reach a certain point, the basic personal finance rules no longer apply.

Normal people with ordinary financial needs don’t require an advisor. That’s why we tell most people it’s not worth their time. But once you’ve conquered the basics, then the basic rules no longer apply.

Here are a few scenarios where it DOES make sense to pay an advisor:

When you have a lot of investable assets (~$1MM+) and have much more to lose if you make a mistake.

If you have complex situations (imagine having three kids, planning for college, and buying a house at the exact same time).

When you just want a second set of eyes to make sure you have everything done right and aren’t missing anything.

When you’re short on time and want to pay for convenience (e.g., you can hire a bookkeeper who you forward bills to and who pays them for you).

When you run your own business, an accountant is a no-brainer who can “cover your ass” and also look out for things you don’t know about.

Is hiring an advisor expensive? Yes, of course. But ask yourself, how much is constantly worrying about your finances costing you?

If you’re looking at getting help with your finances from a professional, then we recommend beginning your search at the National Association of Personal Finance Advisors (www.napfa.org). These advisors are fee-based (they usually have an hourly rate), not commission-based, meaning that they want to help you, not profit off their recommendations.

***

If you read I Will Teach You to be Rich, applied everything, and you’re now running into new, more advanced problems where there aren’t clear answers… it can feel weird to bring stuff like that up to friends. “Hi, do any of you know what to do after you max out your 401k and pay off your house? Thanks!”

But here at IWT, you’re with your fellow weirdos. It’s safe, we promise. In the comments tell us how you’ve “leveled up” and what you need help on next. We want to help.

You’ve done everything “right” but you’re still worried about money. Why? is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.

from Surety Bond Brokers? Business https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/youve-done-everything-right-but-youre-still-worried-about-money-why/

[manuelmahar12-blog]

You've done everything “right” but you're still worried about money. Why?

Our product team has been working on something so interesting, I asked them to share some of the insights we've discovered.

Alistair Clark, one of our product developers, has been speaking with people who have already done the basics of personal finance: These people have already set up automated savings accounts and invested. Many have accumulated considerable amounts of money in the hundreds of thousands (or millions) of dollars.

So what's next? What do you do when you've already done the basics of personal finance?

Alistair got the kind of behind-the-scenes access that few of us have. He spoke to wealthy people about their hopes, fears, and dreams around money - and discovered that once you're at a more advanced level, your concerns change. Your goals change. And whether you intended to or not, your lifestyle changes.

Let's see what he found.

Alistair, take it away…

_

Every week, Ramit gets thousands of emails with questions about personal finance.

99% of the time, his answer is the same: “Go read my book, I Will Teach You to be Rich.”

But 1% of the time, he gets a really interesting email that doesn't have a simple answer, and he'll forward it over to the IWT product team to see if we can help.

For example, check out this email a reader sent to Ramit after reading the IWT book:

It's too beginner for me. I finished because of the entertaining style and I like to vet books before recommending them. My stage is this:

Zero debt… pay credit cards to zero, twice a month. Paid off my mortgage 25 years early ($230k). Haven't paid a car loan in over 5 years. And my twins are now in school (so no more $1,500/mo child care any longer).

I'm self-made with a video production/photography business + my wife is a psychologist with the VA, so we have a decent income.

We each have contributed $18k into our 401ks (mine is a solo-k) for years.

We have maxed our ROTHs for about 7 years each (more on this later).

We are very frugal (our two spending items are 1. quality food (groceries) and 2. travel).

I'm about to turn 38, wife is 34.

We have $750k-$775k invested/saved and adding our house puts us over a million.

WHAT NOW!?!

At IWT, we love seeing emails like this. Here's someone who actually took action, implemented our personal finance advice, and is now in a great place with their finances.

From the outside in, there's absolutely nothing to worry about! And yet, we continue to get emails just like this from people worrying about their finances.

What's going on here? Why do we worry about money even though we're doing everything right?

The psychology of why we worry about money

In Ramit's book, he outlines what we call “The Ladder of Personal Finance.” People loved having a clear roadmap telling them exactly what to do next.

“The Ladder of Personal Finance” from Ramit's book, I Will Teach You To Be Rich

But eventually, you get to the end and there are no more rungs on the ladder. You've checked all the boxes. All you're left with is that same empty feeling we had after finishing our favorite video game that we spent hours trying to master. Except… you don't have another game to play. With your finances, it can seem like the only thing left to do is sit and wait for the next 30 or 40 years until you retire.

I don't know about you, but that sounds boring as hell.

I'm impatient. I want to be optimizing, tweaking, and doing something to keep getting better every single day. If someone came to me tomorrow and said, “OK Alistair, you've checked all the boxes for your business. Now you just have to put it on autopilot and go sit on a beach for the next 30 years,” I'd tell them they were crazy.

Humans are problem-solving machines. We aren't good at sitting on our hands and being patient. For example, just look at this video of a woman in a self-driving car for the first time. Does she look relaxed? No! She is freaking out and worrying because she has nothing to do.

If money is supposed to buy us peace of mind, then why do some of us act just like this woman in the self-driving car? And what is the “last mile” that can get us to be more zen about our finances? 

3 things we noticed from people who don't worry about money

As I mentioned above, I'm on the product team here at IWT. We're in the course-making business, which means solving some gnarly problems for our readers. And this is the type of big question we LOVE to tackle to see if we can find interesting, counterintuitive solutions.

Over the past month, we've been digging into the tactics and mindsets of the wealthy to find out what they do once they've “checked all the boxes” and mastered the basics of personal finance.

How do they get to that enviable position where they never have to worry about money again? What do these carefree people know that we don't?

Today I'd like to share three examples:

1. They are prepared for everything

Earlier this year, the New Yorker ran a fascinating article titled “Doomsday Prep for the Super-Rich”. In the piece they described how some of the smartest, most successful people from Silicon Valley and Wall Street are preparing for the apocalypse (yes, you read that correctly). They are buying remote property, building self-sustaining bunkers, and sometimes even stockpiling ammunition to prepare for the eventual breakdown of civilization.

When asked the simple question of “Why?” here's what Yishan Wong, the former CEO of Reddit, told the New Yorker:

Most people just assume improbable events don't happen, but technical people tend to view risk very mathematically … The tech preppers do not necessarily think a collapse is likely. They consider it a remote event, but one with a very severe downside, so, given how much money they have, spending a fraction of their net worth to hedge against this … is a logical thing to do.

Maybe you're not ready to drop a few million on a bunker in rural Kansas, but that doesn't mean you can't be prepared for the future.

In speaking to our students who worry about money, I've noticed that a lot of people are afraid of unpredictable things that might happen in their future. Some people refer to these as “the things you don't know that you don't know” or “unknown unknowns.” Here's how one student described his fear:

What worries me isn't job loss. What worries me is the million other things that could pop up. What's hiding around the corner that I don't know about?

This type of fear can be incredibly powerful, because your imagination runs wild with worst-case scenarios. It's like when you are walking down the stairs into a pitch black basement of a rickety old house. It's terrifying. Anything could be lurking in those shadows.

But there's a simple solution: Turn on a light.

You can do the same thing with your finances. Instead of being afraid of “unknown unknowns,” you can shine a light on your financial future by learning from people ten years older than you who can tell you exactly what to expect.

We call it the “10 Year Savings Strategy” and wrote about it here.

2. They protect the money they already have

Ever see a news story about a rock star or athlete going bankrupt and wonder, “How is it even possible to lose that much money?” ESPN's documentary Broke investigated the phenomenon of very rich athletes going completely broke. The statistics are shocking:

According to a 2009 Sports Illustrated article, 60 percent of former NBA players are broke within five years of retirement. By the time they have been retired for two years, 78% of former NFL players have gone bankrupt or are under financial stress.

One of the primary causes of financial problems for these athletes was not extravagant spending. It was mostly due to bad investments, ranging from real estate to restaurants to car washes.

It's an interesting cautionary tale because one of the most common questions I get from students who have “mastered the basics” of personal finance is “How do I make my investments grow faster?”

As your wealth grows, you'll find the investing opportunities start to grow as well. Instead of just a “boring” target date fund, now you can buy real estate, invest in start-ups, and take sizable positions in individual stocks. At a certain level, the world of hedge funds and private equity start to open up as well. It's tempting to throw your money at these exciting opportunities and promises of outsized returns and it's easy to develop an obsession with growth and moving faster.

I find this fascinating, because the research I've done revealed that the most successful wealthy people have the opposite approach. Instead of asking “what can I gain?” their #1 question is “how can I avoid losing money?”

For example, Warren Buffett has two rules of investing:

Rule 1: Never lose money.

Rule 2: Never forget rule 1.

So what does this mean for you?

This is more a matter of mastering your own psychology than any new tactic or fancy asset allocation. There's a reason at IWT we consistently recommend boring, simple investments like lazy portfolios and target date funds.

But we've also spent enough time studying the psychology of personal finance to know that being a 100% disciplined monk with your investments is near impossible. No matter how much you read about the merits of basic index investing and why stock picking never works, there's still a little voice in your head saying, “Yeah, but what if I find the next Amazon stock? I'd be a millionaire in five years!”

Here's what we recommend: instead of suppressing that voice in your head, embrace it. Take 5% of your portfolio and put it aside for whatever crazy idea you have for making your money grow faster. Invest in Bitcoin. Buy $5,000 in Tesla stock. Invest in your cousin's car wash if you want.

Do whatever you want, because while you might lose that 5%, you can sleep well at night knowing 95% of your money is still safe and protected.

3. They don't do it alone

There's a great scene in Entourage where the agent Ari Gold is introducing the management team of actress and singer Mandy Moore.

(Heads up: You may want to put in headphones for that link, there's some NSFW language in that clip.) 

It's kind of eye-opening as he goes down the line introducing this super-team of six people who are required to manage the career of just one person: manager, music agent, publicist, attorney, music manager, theatrical agent, etc.

It's also possible to develop the same type of super-team to manage your finances and literally outsource your worry to someone else. Attorneys, accountants, life insurance specialists, financial planners, investment advisers, and even a psychologist or psychiatrist could all be part of your financial super-team.

You might be thinking, “Wait, what? I thought Ramit hated financial advisors. Doesn't he spend an entire chapter in his book telling me NOT to hire a financial advisor. So what's going on here?”

I asked Ramit about this incongruence, and he pointed out a really interesting and counterintuitive insight: Once you reach a certain point, the basic personal finance rules no longer apply.

Normal people with ordinary financial needs don't require an advisor. That's why we tell most people it's not worth their time. But once you've conquered the basics, then the basic rules no longer apply.

Here are a few scenarios where it DOES make sense to pay an advisor:

When you have a lot of investable assets (~$1MM+) and have much more to lose if you make a mistake.

If you have complex situations (imagine having three kids, planning for college, and buying a house at the exact same time).

When you just want a second set of eyes to make sure you have everything done right and aren't missing anything.

When you're short on time and want to pay for convenience (e.g., you can hire a bookkeeper who you forward bills to and who pays them for you).

When you run your own business, an accountant is a no-brainer who can “cover your ass” and also look out for things you don't know about.

Is hiring an advisor expensive? Yes, of course. But ask yourself, how much is constantly worrying about your finances costing you?

If you're looking at getting help with your finances from a professional, then we recommend beginning your search at the National Association of Personal Finance Advisors (www.napfa.org). These advisors are fee-based (they usually have an hourly rate), not commission-based, meaning that they want to help you, not profit off their recommendations.

***

If you read I Will Teach You to be Rich, applied everything, and you're now running into new, more advanced problems where there aren't clear answers… it can feel weird to bring stuff like that up to friends. “Hi, do any of you know what to do after you max out your 401k and pay off your house? Thanks!”

But here at IWT, you're with your fellow weirdos. It's safe, we promise. In the comments tell us how you've “leveled up” and what you need help on next. We want to help.

You've done everything “right” but you're still worried about money. Why? is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.

[apsbicepstraining]

Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets

It’s been months since you signed up for that gym membership, and hitherto here “you think youre”, staring at a screen instead of working out. Maybe you’re doing the right choice. Sure, sitting on your ass will almost certainly kill you sooner, but at least you’ll be saved the ache, lies, and body fluids you know a gym excursion will be generated. And at the least you won’t have to look at the smiling appearance of a personal manager like Ryan George, who wants to tell you that …

6

There’s Plenty Of Sex At The Gym

stokpic/ Pixabay

I’m proud of the number of buyers I’ve bedded … because that figure is zero. I did a dwelling period formerly with the status of women who indicated activity in the nude( I admonished her not to — the pinching alone !). I had a male buyer invite me to a threesome with his wife( again, I said no; that is not what we mean by a “partner membership” ). At a hotel gym, I worked with a purchaser who wanted me to rub his glutes and asked if I’d ever been with a husband( I told him that I wasn’t training at as massage ).

Body-n-Care/ Pixabay “No, I’m not trained in groin massages either.”

Less ethical coaches take advantage, though. There was one I worked with who went after every attractive woman that came in. One era, a girl came storming onto the fitness floor and requested every staff member where he was, but he was nowhere find work. A few minutes later, there was a raucous agitation: The girl didn’t know about the trainer’s reputation and found out that he had been hooking up with someone else. The gym pointed up canceling both women’s bodies for contending. They prevented the coach, though, as he had among the best sales amounts at the gym.

One high-end gym that I was working at is seeking to incentivize us to stay on-site all day by building a “sleeping” room for the personal teaches, ended with bunk beds. Yes, some genius thought it was a smart thought for groupings of predominantly young, attractive, and single trainers to have their own bedroom in the gym, and much to everyone’s startle and feeling, the chamber became a love-den. I did try the chamber out for its intended objectives on one occasion, only to have my siestum ended by two tutors running one another out. Eventually, we lost access to the chamber because the housekeeping staff rejects to clean it.

kadmy/ iStock “Seriously, how difficult is it to make the condoms IN the trash barrel? ”

One tip: Never go barefoot in a steam bath. At the place I work now, the steam bath is pretty regularly stained with semen. It’s most likely research results of jacking off pre-workout, which presumably drops your blood pressure and loosen you. Hey, they say you have to erased exclusively your sweat down after you’re finished.

5

A Personal Trainer’s Looks Matter Way More Than Their Suitabilities

Satyrenko/ iStock

Like most of the service industry, gyms hire with an eye toward beautiful. As a manager told me, I have to be what the customer wants me to be. To female tutors, he mentioned, “If it’s a guy, you have to give him a really tough exercising. When he’s finished, take him to the rub counter. Rub his legs, extend him out, and when you are doing the hamstring extend, lean over, expose a bit of cleavage and announce, ‘I’d like you to be my purchaser. What kind of pack can I put you down for? ‘”

g-stockstudio/ iStock “I’m very committed to your hap-penis.”

It’s pretty clear what kind of business he thought he was passing, and it didn’t involve a lot of careful vetting of qualifications. As a upshot, many of us didn’t have any. I get licensed through the NASM, but plenty of managers I work with haven’t. Some take multiple-choice online tests and use that, plus their visible muscles, to get hired. Don’t assume your coach is some former athlete or even passionate about fitness — numerous join up merely because they think it’ll be an easy-going job.

But all that isn’t necessarily the occasion. When I first met one high-end gym, one of my fellow newbies was a stunning fitness modeling. She aimed up going lots of scrutiny from the male clientele but couldn’t move that into paying clients and retire the field wholly. Meanwhile Adrian — a middle-aged, slightly overweight female tutor with a dense Colombian accent — sketched $250 k a year. She was at the top of her environment because she knew her shit, plain and simple.

Alex_Koch/ Pixabay “The quicker you touch your fitness aims, the quicker I thump my financial ones. So pick that up. Now”

4

The Gym’s Business Model Is Completely Dependent On Your Lack Of Motivation

tpsdave/ Pixabay

I can confirm some of the stuff Cracked joked about in this video: We genuinely do count on a certain percentage of members signing up but not expending the facility. If most gyms were used by anything close to the full listing of members, they’d be space beyond capability. One time, a major blizzard back in the early 2000 s basically shut down the city, but we stayed open. Tallies of lapsed members, with nothing else to do and against all anticipations, represented their practice through our entrances. It was the busiest period that gym ever had, there wasn’t nearly enough material for everyone, and it was a goddamn madhouse. Luckily, it’s fairly difficult to get trampled in a treadmill stampede.

Capitol Records Treadmill-related injuries have descent drastically ever since OK Go canceled their membership .

Beyond tricking the masses into memberships they’ll never exploit, we’re supposed to sign buyers up for personal conferences because that’s where the real money is. An hour of personal course might expenditure upward of $100, more than a whole month of gym membership. So once we’ve got parties in the fitness chamber, we tell them the gym itself will do nothing for them, and they need one-on-one time if they want to improve. Not because of our lore, necessarily: The genuine selling place of a personal manager is having to look mortal in the appearance and predict you’ll come to the gym at a specific time and appointment. It’s harder to stay on the sofa when you’ve became that personal and financial commitment.

mastermilmar/ iStock “You just knowing that, only give me your pocketbook. You need to earn it back.”

Sometimes they do fight dirty with your firmnes, though. Right after 9/11, the fitness administrator gave us this long-winded discussion and included a line he wanted us to tell potential patrons: The rationale so many beings died during 9/11 was that they were not fit enough to flee the buildings. It’s a awful statement, from what I heard. I never got around to applying it, because inferno is mostly one big-hearted steam room — can you thoughts how much semen is on the flooring? No thanks.

3

Personal Trainers’ Advice Can Harm You

Highwaystarz-Photography/ iStock

Here are the subjects a qualified manager can speak on, ideally with a shooting dance beat backing them up: posture and push, muscular persuasivenes and tenacity, sporting concert, cardiovascular conditioning, and flexible. That’s the ideal register, recollect — we may not know anything about any of that trash. We may exactly search rockin’ in spandex. Whatever the speciman, we are most certainly not powers on nutrition, reclamation, or anything medical. Yet in every gym you’ll find teaches happy to advise you on all of those circumstances no matter how disastrous the consequences.

gpointstudio/ iStock “No , no , not the muscles, that’s a common story. You have to eat another man’s nature to gain his strength.”

I know one teach whose patron was contending( due to coach incapacity, primarily ), so he answered, “Tell your doctor you have asthma and have them give you a prescription for Advair. That will help you with your cardio.” There was another who thought they were qualified to give diet admonition to a diabetic. One buyer is intended to get in shape for her August wedding, so her trainer introduced her in a sauna suit to run on the treadmill the morning of the wed to fit into her dress. And then there was the tutor who decided to fix a client’s back pain using “core exercises” that patently just made the agony worse. We scarcely evaded a lawsuit on that one.

Even I’m not immune to the occasional climb up my own ass. I used to tell patrons doing bench presses to touch the barbell to their chests. Then I learned this was shredding up their shoulder joints, so I stopped, but others still insist on it. Leg expansions are what everyone uses to build their quadruplets, but I tell people not to because they’re ruining their knees in the process — you’ll still realize a shiny leg extension machine in every gym. One trainer will tell you the lat drag got to go behind the cervix, and I’ve is evident that do terrible things to people’s shoulders long-term, but I’ve sounded other trainers insist that doing it in front of chest, like I say to, is also bad.

Gennadiy Kravchenko/ iStock It’s only a matter of season before it gets is the responsibility of autism and grease-gun violence .

You’ll never know who’s right until you bolt yourself up doing it wrong.

2

Gym Employees Might Slip You Steroids

Dario Lo Presti/ iStock

At one gym I worked at, the first Monday of every month, a person in a dres would show up, change into workout gear, and take a pitch-black backpack into the gym with him. The human, who we dubbed “the doctor, ” would do a 30 -minute session. At some quality, he would casually residence the knapsack somewhere behind the pull-up depot, and the fitness director would later take it with him into the role. For the coming week, all the Terminator-looking guys strolled in to the fitness manager’s office when the sales director wasn’t around. I got the find they weren’t considering that quarter’s revenue.

Ozimician/ iStock “Oh my divinity, I finally pictured Hamilton , and telling you, absolutely worth the wait ! ”

One trainer I know mails his clients to a medical doctor at an anti-aging clinic, admonishing them to claim that they’re suffered by low-pitched testosterone. The doctor then leads a series of tests which magically confirm this, and the customer, whose simply real evidence is a lack of swoleness, skips away with a law prescription for testosterone. You can even get your insurance to pay for diminishing your testicles.

1

In The Result, The Gym Is Selling An Impossible Fantasy

Milan Stojanovic/ iStock

Cracked has told you over and over that the number of people who lose a large amount of weight and keep it off is statistically zero. Now, I have worked with people who’ve transformed their bodies in prodigious behaviors, so I’m not going to say it’s impossible to lose weight, but it is much harder than most people guess. A huge part of that is because the fitness routines we prescribe you are unsustainable, and we know this. Most people will get through the first few days of a educate routine just fine, and we’ll tell them it will get easier, but in reality, it gets harder . If it starts to get easier, you’ll stop witnes outcomes. And anytime you take on a new project, whether it’s starting a fitness routine or a habit dildo business, it steals from something else in your life.

Eva K ./ Wiki Commons “In the end, it was my free time with my boys that I was certainly leaving the shaft to.”

I try not to given impractical possibilities: During my first had met with a patron, I extract as much info as possible on the person’s life-style, mindset, objectives, and exercising biography, then try drafting a intention they can actually follow. But if gyms everywhere told buyers the truth — that there is no finish line; you are able to never reply, “OK , now I have a six-pack, so I’m finished with my person and now I can focus all of my time on video games”; that maintaining that six-pack is now your part-time activity for the rest of their own lives; and the older you get, the more working here will take — a billion-dollar manufacture would disappear overnight. Forget rising health-insurance premiums — that’s how paunch would maim the economy.

Ryan George hosts The GymWits podcast and has a new notebook out , Freeweight Training Anatomy . Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for trash slashed from this section and interesting thing no one should ensure . Have a tale to share with Cracked? Email us here . For more insider attitudes, check out 5 Insane Realities Behind The Scenes Of A Weight Loss Ad and I AM Compensating For Something: A Bodybuilder Speaks Out . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out If Gyms Were Honest, and other videos you won’t meet on the site !

Also, follow us on Facebook, and let’s get a speedy spout sesh in, bro .

The post Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2skJ5Pe via IFTTT

[junker-town]

How to be a bandwagon Falcons fan, from actual Falcons fans

Hold tight, there’s a lot to know.

Hello. You’re probably here because your team was one of the 30 unfortunate franchises that didn’t make the Super Bowl (been there before) or you just hate the Patriots so much that you need to take on the other franchise in this Super Bowl.

It just so happens that team is the Atlanta Falcons this season.

So here you are, trying to look like a legitimate Atlanta Falcons fan for whatever reason that may be. Fear not, by the time you finish reading this — no matter where you are from or what team you typically rep — you will come across as a real-ass Atlanta Falcons fan.

Players you need to know

Introducing the entire team would be way too long and unnecessary, so here’s some extremely basic info about the players you’ll hear from the most on Sunday.

There’s no better place to start than quarterback Matt Ryan, aka “Matty Ice.” There’s a vocal contingent of fans who have just about despised him up until this season, but he’s put it all together and gotten help from the rest of the offense. Now, Ryan appears to have built the strongest case to win the NFL MVP award.

His best target is Julio Jones. If you find yourself on Twitter during the game and Jones happens to make a big play, simply tweet “JULIOOOOOOOOOOOOO” and you’ll fit right in.

JULIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

— Harry Lyles Jr. (@harrylylesjr) January 22, 2017

Fans have also adopted the same with Mohamed Sanu, by tweeting “SANUUUUUUUUUUU” give or take some o’s and u’s in each, of course.

In the backfield, Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman are responsible for making opposing defenses put their hands on their hips or knees in exhaustion, desperately trying to get every last breath of air that they can.

Also: DEVONTAAAAAAAAAAA!

Defensively, know Vic Beasley, the NFL’s regular season leader in sacks. And don’t forget the vet, Dwight Freeney, and young defensive backs Keanu Neal and Robert Alford.

This team also loves its ping pong, and SB Nation’s own Jeanna Thomas is your insider for all things there.

Matt Ryan just used his hand as a ping pong paddle. Good awareness, savvy veteran move

— Jeanna (@jeannathomas) December 2, 2016

He’s not a player, but you should also know about head coach Dan Quinn. The Falcons have gone through plenty of coaches in the past, but Quinn is a proven winner in the past with the Seahawks, and has brought that same feeling to Atlanta.

Know the Falcons’ struggle

The Falcons haven’t had a lot of nice things in the past. They have the third-worst winning percentage of all 32 NFL franchises in history, with an all-time record of 341-437-6. Only the Arizona Cardinals and Tampa Bay Buccaneers are worse. Within that losing record are plenty of single moments that had — and still have — fans shaking their heads in disbelief.

A “BRIEF” RUNDOWN:

Dave Hampton becoming the first 1,000-yard rusher in team history, then losing it on the next play

Losing Michael Vick after he went to prison for dogfighting

Watching Bobby Petrino leave — for Arkansas — with the quickness

Jim Mora said he'd take the University of Washington head coaching job over the Falcons job "even if they were in the playoffs”

Scoring 2 points in a playoff game against the Giants

Blowing a 17-point lead in the 2012 NFC Championship to the 49ers

Losing on a pick-2 to the Chiefs

Eugene Robinson getting arrested the night before Super Bowl XXXIII after trying to solicit a prostitute who was actually an undercover cop

The Tomahawk Chop (a Braves rallying cheer) broke out in a home game in 1991, which seemed cool... until they lost.

Trading away a young Brett Favre, even though he wasn’t all that great in Atlanta. It was still Brett Favre.

Wade Traynham whiffed on the opening kickoff in the team’s second game in 1966

The 15 years between those big playoff games vs. Dallas and Dan Reeves getting hired, the Falcons were 79-147-1, a .350 winning percentage

When Deion Sanders returned to the Georgia Dome after playing five seasons with the team and stared down the entire sideline while running back a pick-six

The “Gritz Blitz” defense. We invented a pressure and named it after FOOD

Picking Aundray Bruce No. 1 overall in 1988. He played 34 games for the Falcons.

The 2012 draft class

Noisegate (we don’t give a shit)

Jamal Anderson’s ACLs

Other items to note

#RISEUP. The Falcons’ mantra was adopted in 2010, and while it initially wasn’t received well when the Falcons weren’t exactly doing too much winning. Now, we’ve pretty much just accepted it for what it is at this point.

This “Rise Up” video is wonderfully soulful, and something that we can all agree is good:

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t play games when the Falcons are on, either:

O MUTHAPHUKKYN K!! Finally, some Grown Man Football! Rise Da Fuck Up!!!!

— Samuel L. Jackson (@SamuelLJackson) September 20, 2015

The 1991 Back in Black Falcons, where the team went back to their black uniforms for their 25th anniversary.

The Falcons ran an option offense for three years, with the No. 1 rushing offense, and no one noticed. They said Mike Shanahan invented the option a decade later.

Until 1998, our greatest head coach was a crazy person who awarded himself trophies and gave tickets to invisible Elvis. (Hey, Jerry Glanville)

The Falcons' first owner, Rankin Smith, once got drunk and grounded his yacht, "Pocket Change,” on a reef in the Bahamas

They’ve had a handful of notable players in franchise history

Steve Bartkowski: Bartkowski, who played for 10 years with the Falcons, is the only quarterback in the team’s ring of honor.

William Andrews: Andrews was one of the best running backs in the NFL during his time with the Falcons from 1979-83. He suffered a knee injury that kept him out for two seasons, before coming back as a tight end in 1986 for one season.

Jeff Van Note: Van Note played center, and was a five-time Pro Bowler in Atlanta, where he spent his entire career from 1969-86.

Tommy Nobis: The first player ever drafted by the Falcons in 1966. He was also the first Falcons player to be voted to the Pro Bowl in his rookie season. He is Mr. Falcon.

Deion Sanders: Primetime! He spent the first five seasons of his career with the Falcons, while also playing for the Atlanta Braves. He even played in the 1992 World Series.

Jessie Tuggle: He’s one of the greatest players in franchise history. “The Hammer” was a fierce linebacker that was a fan favorite for over a decade.

Claude Humphrey: Humphrey was a first-round pick by the Falcons in 1968. Another early Falcons legend, he finished his career as the all-time sack leader in franchise history. He’s also a Pro Football Hall of Famer.

Others to know:

Terence Mathis, Bob Whitfield, Bob Christian, T.J. Duckett, Warrick Dunn, Ray Buchanan, Jamal Anderson, Chris Chandler, Keith Brooking, Tony Gonzalez, Alge Crumpler

Rivals of the Atlanta Falcons

1. Saints

2. Saints

3. Bobby Petrino’s team

4. Saints

5. Niners

6. Saints

7. Matty B Raps

8. Bobby Petrino

9. DeAngelo Hall

10. Joe Horn

11. Drew Brees

Musical interests can be used to weed out fakes

Listen, if you haven’t paid attention to anything before this, you need to be on top of this if you’re really trying to sell your “fandom.”

The city of Atlanta does not play when it comes to our music. In particular, the hip-hop scene is something that we hold near and dear to our hearts. I won’t list everything because we’d be here all day. Instead, here’s a brief (and incomplete) list.

Outkast: This is the perfect starting point for anybody trying to fake the funk. Outkast is one part of the Atlanta hip-hop scene that nobody can argue against. Andre 3000 and Big Boi combined for one of the greatest duos hip-hop has ever seen.

Jeezy: Jeezy probably doesn’t get as much love as he deserves. He’s got so many classics like Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101 and The Recession that we won’t list them all. But know Jeezy the Snowman.

Ludacris: Luda is a graduate of Georgia State (where tuition is handled by the dean of students office), and along with Jermaine Dupri, made arguably the Atlanta anthem: “Welcome to Atlanta” which should absolutely play inside any airplane that touches down at Hartsfield-Jackson. But that’s another conversation.

T.I.: He’s got a discography that’s almost as vast as his vocabulary. Also, Michael Vick was in the “Rubberband Man” video. Rise up.

Gucci Mane: You can’t say enough good things about Gucci. Just grab a glass of lemonade and kick back and listen to The State vs. Radric Davis.

Crime Mob: Just know and respect “Knuck if you Buck” and pretend like JuJu on that Beat never happened.

Shawty Lo: The unofficial mayor of Atlanta (R.I.P)

Future: Being proficient in his newer material will suffice. You won’t be on the bandwagon too long, but you should be listening to Future if you aren’t anyway.

Migos: They’re arguably the hottest on this list with their new album Culture that came out featuring “Bad and Boujee.” On their song “T-shirt” from Culture the beat is from Dem Franchize Boyz’s “White Tee” just slowed down. Freakin’ geniuses.

Rae Sremmurd: That mannequin challenge that flooded your timeline for a month? That was them. But they make more dope music than just “Black Beatles.” Their name is also “ear drummers” backwards.

Miscellaneous tidbits about Atlanta

The Varsity actually isn’t that great, and we leave it to tourists

We love Waffle House, and you better not slander it

There’s OTP (outside of the perimeter) Atlantans, and ITP (inside the Perimeter) Atlantans

Regardless, anybody in the suburbs 45 mins to an hour from downtown will tell you they’re from Atlanta

If Georgia didn’t have Atlanta, it would be Mississippi

Not all Atlantans drive trucks: some have Dodge Chargers, while others drive Tahoes

Sweet tea

Chick-fil-a is now as common as McDonald’s are everywhere else and we live by it

Almost everybody in and around Atlanta has an ATV, including former Braves great Chipper Jones, who used his to rescue Freddie Freeman during a rare snowstorm

That’s a fairly brief and sufficient rundown of what you’ll need if you’re trying to prove your “Falcons fandom” at your Patriots-fan cousin that you hate’s Super Bowl party or whatever the case may be.

Enjoy the ride.

[apsbicepstraining]

Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets

It’s been months since you signed up for that gym membership, and hitherto here “you think youre”, staring at a screen instead of working out. Maybe you’re doing the right choice. Sure, sitting on your ass will almost certainly kill you sooner, but at least you’ll be saved the ache, lies, and body fluids you know a gym excursion will be generated. And at the least you won’t have to look at the smiling appearance of a personal manager like Ryan George, who wants to tell you that …

6

There’s Plenty Of Sex At The Gym

stokpic/ Pixabay

I’m proud of the number of buyers I’ve bedded … because that figure is zero. I did a dwelling period formerly with the status of women who indicated activity in the nude( I admonished her not to — the pinching alone !). I had a male buyer invite me to a threesome with his wife( again, I said no; that is not what we mean by a “partner membership” ). At a hotel gym, I worked with a purchaser who wanted me to rub his glutes and asked if I’d ever been with a husband( I told him that I wasn’t training at as massage ).

Body-n-Care/ Pixabay “No, I’m not trained in groin massages either.”

Less ethical coaches take advantage, though. There was one I worked with who went after every attractive woman that came in. One era, a girl came storming onto the fitness floor and requested every staff member where he was, but he was nowhere find work. A few minutes later, there was a raucous agitation: The girl didn’t know about the trainer’s reputation and found out that he had been hooking up with someone else. The gym pointed up canceling both women’s bodies for contending. They prevented the coach, though, as he had among the best sales amounts at the gym.

One high-end gym that I was working at is seeking to incentivize us to stay on-site all day by building a “sleeping” room for the personal teaches, ended with bunk beds. Yes, some genius thought it was a smart thought for groupings of predominantly young, attractive, and single trainers to have their own bedroom in the gym, and much to everyone’s startle and feeling, the chamber became a love-den. I did try the chamber out for its intended objectives on one occasion, only to have my siestum ended by two tutors running one another out. Eventually, we lost access to the chamber because the housekeeping staff rejects to clean it.

kadmy/ iStock “Seriously, how difficult is it to make the condoms IN the trash barrel? ”

One tip: Never go barefoot in a steam bath. At the place I work now, the steam bath is pretty regularly stained with semen. It’s most likely research results of jacking off pre-workout, which presumably drops your blood pressure and loosen you. Hey, they say you have to erased exclusively your sweat down after you’re finished.

5

A Personal Trainer’s Looks Matter Way More Than Their Suitabilities

Satyrenko/ iStock

Like most of the service industry, gyms hire with an eye toward beautiful. As a manager told me, I have to be what the customer wants me to be. To female tutors, he mentioned, “If it’s a guy, you have to give him a really tough exercising. When he’s finished, take him to the rub counter. Rub his legs, extend him out, and when you are doing the hamstring extend, lean over, expose a bit of cleavage and announce, ‘I’d like you to be my purchaser. What kind of pack can I put you down for? ‘”

g-stockstudio/ iStock “I’m very committed to your hap-penis.”

It’s pretty clear what kind of business he thought he was passing, and it didn’t involve a lot of careful vetting of qualifications. As a upshot, many of us didn’t have any. I get licensed through the NASM, but plenty of managers I work with haven’t. Some take multiple-choice online tests and use that, plus their visible muscles, to get hired. Don’t assume your coach is some former athlete or even passionate about fitness — numerous join up merely because they think it’ll be an easy-going job.

But all that isn’t necessarily the occasion. When I first met one high-end gym, one of my fellow newbies was a stunning fitness modeling. She aimed up going lots of scrutiny from the male clientele but couldn’t move that into paying clients and retire the field wholly. Meanwhile Adrian — a middle-aged, slightly overweight female tutor with a dense Colombian accent — sketched $250 k a year. She was at the top of her environment because she knew her shit, plain and simple.

Alex_Koch/ Pixabay “The quicker you touch your fitness aims, the quicker I thump my financial ones. So pick that up. Now”

4

The Gym’s Business Model Is Completely Dependent On Your Lack Of Motivation

tpsdave/ Pixabay

I can confirm some of the stuff Cracked joked about in this video: We genuinely do count on a certain percentage of members signing up but not expending the facility. If most gyms were used by anything close to the full listing of members, they’d be space beyond capability. One time, a major blizzard back in the early 2000 s basically shut down the city, but we stayed open. Tallies of lapsed members, with nothing else to do and against all anticipations, represented their practice through our entrances. It was the busiest period that gym ever had, there wasn’t nearly enough material for everyone, and it was a goddamn madhouse. Luckily, it’s fairly difficult to get trampled in a treadmill stampede.

Capitol Records Treadmill-related injuries have descent drastically ever since OK Go canceled their membership .

Beyond tricking the masses into memberships they’ll never exploit, we’re supposed to sign buyers up for personal conferences because that’s where the real money is. An hour of personal course might expenditure upward of $100, more than a whole month of gym membership. So once we’ve got parties in the fitness chamber, we tell them the gym itself will do nothing for them, and they need one-on-one time if they want to improve. Not because of our lore, necessarily: The genuine selling place of a personal manager is having to look mortal in the appearance and predict you’ll come to the gym at a specific time and appointment. It’s harder to stay on the sofa when you’ve became that personal and financial commitment.

mastermilmar/ iStock “You just knowing that, only give me your pocketbook. You need to earn it back.”

Sometimes they do fight dirty with your firmnes, though. Right after 9/11, the fitness administrator gave us this long-winded discussion and included a line he wanted us to tell potential patrons: The rationale so many beings died during 9/11 was that they were not fit enough to flee the buildings. It’s a awful statement, from what I heard. I never got around to applying it, because inferno is mostly one big-hearted steam room — can you thoughts how much semen is on the flooring? No thanks.

3

Personal Trainers’ Advice Can Harm You

Highwaystarz-Photography/ iStock

Here are the subjects a qualified manager can speak on, ideally with a shooting dance beat backing them up: posture and push, muscular persuasivenes and tenacity, sporting concert, cardiovascular conditioning, and flexible. That’s the ideal register, recollect — we may not know anything about any of that trash. We may exactly search rockin’ in spandex. Whatever the speciman, we are most certainly not powers on nutrition, reclamation, or anything medical. Yet in every gym you’ll find teaches happy to advise you on all of those circumstances no matter how disastrous the consequences.

gpointstudio/ iStock “No , no , not the muscles, that’s a common story. You have to eat another man’s nature to gain his strength.”

I know one teach whose patron was contending( due to coach incapacity, primarily ), so he answered, “Tell your doctor you have asthma and have them give you a prescription for Advair. That will help you with your cardio.” There was another who thought they were qualified to give diet admonition to a diabetic. One buyer is intended to get in shape for her August wedding, so her trainer introduced her in a sauna suit to run on the treadmill the morning of the wed to fit into her dress. And then there was the tutor who decided to fix a client’s back pain using “core exercises” that patently just made the agony worse. We scarcely evaded a lawsuit on that one.

Even I’m not immune to the occasional climb up my own ass. I used to tell patrons doing bench presses to touch the barbell to their chests. Then I learned this was shredding up their shoulder joints, so I stopped, but others still insist on it. Leg expansions are what everyone uses to build their quadruplets, but I tell people not to because they’re ruining their knees in the process — you’ll still realize a shiny leg extension machine in every gym. One trainer will tell you the lat drag got to go behind the cervix, and I’ve is evident that do terrible things to people’s shoulders long-term, but I’ve sounded other trainers insist that doing it in front of chest, like I say to, is also bad.

Gennadiy Kravchenko/ iStock It’s only a matter of season before it gets is the responsibility of autism and grease-gun violence .

You’ll never know who’s right until you bolt yourself up doing it wrong.

2

Gym Employees Might Slip You Steroids

Dario Lo Presti/ iStock

At one gym I worked at, the first Monday of every month, a person in a dres would show up, change into workout gear, and take a pitch-black backpack into the gym with him. The human, who we dubbed “the doctor, ” would do a 30 -minute session. At some quality, he would casually residence the knapsack somewhere behind the pull-up depot, and the fitness director would later take it with him into the role. For the coming week, all the Terminator-looking guys strolled in to the fitness manager’s office when the sales director wasn’t around. I got the find they weren’t considering that quarter’s revenue.

Ozimician/ iStock “Oh my divinity, I finally pictured Hamilton , and telling you, absolutely worth the wait ! ”

One trainer I know mails his clients to a medical doctor at an anti-aging clinic, admonishing them to claim that they’re suffered by low-pitched testosterone. The doctor then leads a series of tests which magically confirm this, and the customer, whose simply real evidence is a lack of swoleness, skips away with a law prescription for testosterone. You can even get your insurance to pay for diminishing your testicles.

1

In The Result, The Gym Is Selling An Impossible Fantasy

Milan Stojanovic/ iStock

Cracked has told you over and over that the number of people who lose a large amount of weight and keep it off is statistically zero. Now, I have worked with people who’ve transformed their bodies in prodigious behaviors, so I’m not going to say it’s impossible to lose weight, but it is much harder than most people guess. A huge part of that is because the fitness routines we prescribe you are unsustainable, and we know this. Most people will get through the first few days of a educate routine just fine, and we’ll tell them it will get easier, but in reality, it gets harder . If it starts to get easier, you’ll stop witnes outcomes. And anytime you take on a new project, whether it’s starting a fitness routine or a habit dildo business, it steals from something else in your life.

Eva K ./ Wiki Commons “In the end, it was my free time with my boys that I was certainly leaving the shaft to.”

I try not to given impractical possibilities: During my first had met with a patron, I extract as much info as possible on the person’s life-style, mindset, objectives, and exercising biography, then try drafting a intention they can actually follow. But if gyms everywhere told buyers the truth — that there is no finish line; you are able to never reply, “OK , now I have a six-pack, so I’m finished with my person and now I can focus all of my time on video games”; that maintaining that six-pack is now your part-time activity for the rest of their own lives; and the older you get, the more working here will take — a billion-dollar manufacture would disappear overnight. Forget rising health-insurance premiums — that’s how paunch would maim the economy.

Ryan George hosts The GymWits podcast and has a new notebook out , Freeweight Training Anatomy . Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for trash slashed from this section and interesting thing no one should ensure . Have a tale to share with Cracked? Email us here . For more insider attitudes, check out 5 Insane Realities Behind The Scenes Of A Weight Loss Ad and I AM Compensating For Something: A Bodybuilder Speaks Out . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out If Gyms Were Honest, and other videos you won’t meet on the site !

Also, follow us on Facebook, and let’s get a speedy spout sesh in, bro .

The post Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2skJ5Pe via IFTTT

[apsbicepstraining]

Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets

It’s been months since you signed up for that gym membership, and hitherto here “you think youre”, staring at a screen instead of working out. Maybe you’re doing the right choice. Sure, sitting on your ass will almost certainly kill you sooner, but at least you’ll be saved the ache, lies, and body fluids you know a gym excursion will be generated. And at the least you won’t have to look at the smiling appearance of a personal manager like Ryan George, who wants to tell you that …

6

There’s Plenty Of Sex At The Gym

stokpic/ Pixabay

I’m proud of the number of buyers I’ve bedded … because that figure is zero. I did a dwelling period formerly with the status of women who indicated activity in the nude( I admonished her not to — the pinching alone !). I had a male buyer invite me to a threesome with his wife( again, I said no; that is not what we mean by a “partner membership” ). At a hotel gym, I worked with a purchaser who wanted me to rub his glutes and asked if I’d ever been with a husband( I told him that I wasn’t training at as massage ).

Body-n-Care/ Pixabay “No, I’m not trained in groin massages either.”

Less ethical coaches take advantage, though. There was one I worked with who went after every attractive woman that came in. One era, a girl came storming onto the fitness floor and requested every staff member where he was, but he was nowhere find work. A few minutes later, there was a raucous agitation: The girl didn’t know about the trainer’s reputation and found out that he had been hooking up with someone else. The gym pointed up canceling both women’s bodies for contending. They prevented the coach, though, as he had among the best sales amounts at the gym.

One high-end gym that I was working at is seeking to incentivize us to stay on-site all day by building a “sleeping” room for the personal teaches, ended with bunk beds. Yes, some genius thought it was a smart thought for groupings of predominantly young, attractive, and single trainers to have their own bedroom in the gym, and much to everyone’s startle and feeling, the chamber became a love-den. I did try the chamber out for its intended objectives on one occasion, only to have my siestum ended by two tutors running one another out. Eventually, we lost access to the chamber because the housekeeping staff rejects to clean it.

kadmy/ iStock “Seriously, how difficult is it to make the condoms IN the trash barrel? ”

One tip: Never go barefoot in a steam bath. At the place I work now, the steam bath is pretty regularly stained with semen. It’s most likely research results of jacking off pre-workout, which presumably drops your blood pressure and loosen you. Hey, they say you have to erased exclusively your sweat down after you’re finished.

5

A Personal Trainer’s Looks Matter Way More Than Their Suitabilities

Satyrenko/ iStock

Like most of the service industry, gyms hire with an eye toward beautiful. As a manager told me, I have to be what the customer wants me to be. To female tutors, he mentioned, “If it’s a guy, you have to give him a really tough exercising. When he’s finished, take him to the rub counter. Rub his legs, extend him out, and when you are doing the hamstring extend, lean over, expose a bit of cleavage and announce, ‘I’d like you to be my purchaser. What kind of pack can I put you down for? ‘”

g-stockstudio/ iStock “I’m very committed to your hap-penis.”

It’s pretty clear what kind of business he thought he was passing, and it didn’t involve a lot of careful vetting of qualifications. As a upshot, many of us didn’t have any. I get licensed through the NASM, but plenty of managers I work with haven’t. Some take multiple-choice online tests and use that, plus their visible muscles, to get hired. Don’t assume your coach is some former athlete or even passionate about fitness — numerous join up merely because they think it’ll be an easy-going job.

But all that isn’t necessarily the occasion. When I first met one high-end gym, one of my fellow newbies was a stunning fitness modeling. She aimed up going lots of scrutiny from the male clientele but couldn’t move that into paying clients and retire the field wholly. Meanwhile Adrian — a middle-aged, slightly overweight female tutor with a dense Colombian accent — sketched $250 k a year. She was at the top of her environment because she knew her shit, plain and simple.

Alex_Koch/ Pixabay “The quicker you touch your fitness aims, the quicker I thump my financial ones. So pick that up. Now”

4

The Gym’s Business Model Is Completely Dependent On Your Lack Of Motivation

tpsdave/ Pixabay

I can confirm some of the stuff Cracked joked about in this video: We genuinely do count on a certain percentage of members signing up but not expending the facility. If most gyms were used by anything close to the full listing of members, they’d be space beyond capability. One time, a major blizzard back in the early 2000 s basically shut down the city, but we stayed open. Tallies of lapsed members, with nothing else to do and against all anticipations, represented their practice through our entrances. It was the busiest period that gym ever had, there wasn’t nearly enough material for everyone, and it was a goddamn madhouse. Luckily, it’s fairly difficult to get trampled in a treadmill stampede.

Capitol Records Treadmill-related injuries have descent drastically ever since OK Go canceled their membership .

Beyond tricking the masses into memberships they’ll never exploit, we’re supposed to sign buyers up for personal conferences because that’s where the real money is. An hour of personal course might expenditure upward of $100, more than a whole month of gym membership. So once we’ve got parties in the fitness chamber, we tell them the gym itself will do nothing for them, and they need one-on-one time if they want to improve. Not because of our lore, necessarily: The genuine selling place of a personal manager is having to look mortal in the appearance and predict you’ll come to the gym at a specific time and appointment. It’s harder to stay on the sofa when you’ve became that personal and financial commitment.

mastermilmar/ iStock “You just knowing that, only give me your pocketbook. You need to earn it back.”

Sometimes they do fight dirty with your firmnes, though. Right after 9/11, the fitness administrator gave us this long-winded discussion and included a line he wanted us to tell potential patrons: The rationale so many beings died during 9/11 was that they were not fit enough to flee the buildings. It’s a awful statement, from what I heard. I never got around to applying it, because inferno is mostly one big-hearted steam room — can you thoughts how much semen is on the flooring? No thanks.

3

Personal Trainers’ Advice Can Harm You

Highwaystarz-Photography/ iStock

Here are the subjects a qualified manager can speak on, ideally with a shooting dance beat backing them up: posture and push, muscular persuasivenes and tenacity, sporting concert, cardiovascular conditioning, and flexible. That’s the ideal register, recollect — we may not know anything about any of that trash. We may exactly search rockin’ in spandex. Whatever the speciman, we are most certainly not powers on nutrition, reclamation, or anything medical. Yet in every gym you’ll find teaches happy to advise you on all of those circumstances no matter how disastrous the consequences.

gpointstudio/ iStock “No , no , not the muscles, that’s a common story. You have to eat another man’s nature to gain his strength.”

I know one teach whose patron was contending( due to coach incapacity, primarily ), so he answered, “Tell your doctor you have asthma and have them give you a prescription for Advair. That will help you with your cardio.” There was another who thought they were qualified to give diet admonition to a diabetic. One buyer is intended to get in shape for her August wedding, so her trainer introduced her in a sauna suit to run on the treadmill the morning of the wed to fit into her dress. And then there was the tutor who decided to fix a client’s back pain using “core exercises” that patently just made the agony worse. We scarcely evaded a lawsuit on that one.

Even I’m not immune to the occasional climb up my own ass. I used to tell patrons doing bench presses to touch the barbell to their chests. Then I learned this was shredding up their shoulder joints, so I stopped, but others still insist on it. Leg expansions are what everyone uses to build their quadruplets, but I tell people not to because they’re ruining their knees in the process — you’ll still realize a shiny leg extension machine in every gym. One trainer will tell you the lat drag got to go behind the cervix, and I’ve is evident that do terrible things to people’s shoulders long-term, but I’ve sounded other trainers insist that doing it in front of chest, like I say to, is also bad.

Gennadiy Kravchenko/ iStock It’s only a matter of season before it gets is the responsibility of autism and grease-gun violence .

You’ll never know who’s right until you bolt yourself up doing it wrong.

2

Gym Employees Might Slip You Steroids

Dario Lo Presti/ iStock

At one gym I worked at, the first Monday of every month, a person in a dres would show up, change into workout gear, and take a pitch-black backpack into the gym with him. The human, who we dubbed “the doctor, ” would do a 30 -minute session. At some quality, he would casually residence the knapsack somewhere behind the pull-up depot, and the fitness director would later take it with him into the role. For the coming week, all the Terminator-looking guys strolled in to the fitness manager’s office when the sales director wasn’t around. I got the find they weren’t considering that quarter’s revenue.

Ozimician/ iStock “Oh my divinity, I finally pictured Hamilton , and telling you, absolutely worth the wait ! ”

One trainer I know mails his clients to a medical doctor at an anti-aging clinic, admonishing them to claim that they’re suffered by low-pitched testosterone. The doctor then leads a series of tests which magically confirm this, and the customer, whose simply real evidence is a lack of swoleness, skips away with a law prescription for testosterone. You can even get your insurance to pay for diminishing your testicles.

1

In The Result, The Gym Is Selling An Impossible Fantasy

Milan Stojanovic/ iStock

Cracked has told you over and over that the number of people who lose a large amount of weight and keep it off is statistically zero. Now, I have worked with people who’ve transformed their bodies in prodigious behaviors, so I’m not going to say it’s impossible to lose weight, but it is much harder than most people guess. A huge part of that is because the fitness routines we prescribe you are unsustainable, and we know this. Most people will get through the first few days of a educate routine just fine, and we’ll tell them it will get easier, but in reality, it gets harder . If it starts to get easier, you’ll stop witnes outcomes. And anytime you take on a new project, whether it’s starting a fitness routine or a habit dildo business, it steals from something else in your life.

Eva K ./ Wiki Commons “In the end, it was my free time with my boys that I was certainly leaving the shaft to.”

I try not to given impractical possibilities: During my first had met with a patron, I extract as much info as possible on the person’s life-style, mindset, objectives, and exercising biography, then try drafting a intention they can actually follow. But if gyms everywhere told buyers the truth — that there is no finish line; you are able to never reply, “OK , now I have a six-pack, so I’m finished with my person and now I can focus all of my time on video games”; that maintaining that six-pack is now your part-time activity for the rest of their own lives; and the older you get, the more working here will take — a billion-dollar manufacture would disappear overnight. Forget rising health-insurance premiums — that’s how paunch would maim the economy.

Ryan George hosts The GymWits podcast and has a new notebook out , Freeweight Training Anatomy . Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for trash slashed from this section and interesting thing no one should ensure . Have a tale to share with Cracked? Email us here . For more insider attitudes, check out 5 Insane Realities Behind The Scenes Of A Weight Loss Ad and I AM Compensating For Something: A Bodybuilder Speaks Out . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out If Gyms Were Honest, and other videos you won’t meet on the site !

Also, follow us on Facebook, and let’s get a speedy spout sesh in, bro .

The post Parties Are Doing It At Your Gym: 6 Personal Trainer Secrets appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2skJ5Pe via IFTTT