#absolutely fucking insane. clown college state

[valeroyeaux]

“virginia is stricter on speeding than almost any other state” then why do i have people tailgating me and flashing their brights when im going the speed limit in the right lane on the mountainous part of i64

[sha-brytols]

see i think he's right in that there is no actual discernable line between Anders and Justice but i think it's a little bit more complex than that because. well obviously we see moments where justice just straight up takes control of anders body like in the fade or the quest with ser alrik or his rivalry path. but i also feel like a lot of the things anders says and does is not entirely just him. like.

okay so justice has a very distinctive style of speech. very verbose. rarely (if ever) uses contractions. has a very declarative style and frequently speaks in terms of absolutes. "It was your condemnation of their race that led to your folly" and "This is a mortal body of flesh! I am trapped within!" it's a very similar, albeit less poetic, manner of speech to that of cole's. their mannerisms are very reminiscent of someone whose grasp of communication is limited to the abstract (if that makes sense.?) so their speech feels unique in that it's more visceral and conveys a certain Feeling in the player. while cole's is more flowery and evocative, justice's speech is direct and forceful.

and as we know anders in awakening, he talks more casually, much more carefree, upbeat, very informal and uses more colloquialisms in his speech. "Erm... i didn't do it?" and "Whoa. She's talking to me. Voluntarily." he's literally the most unserious man in the world and honestly talks more like the class clown from your college frat party than a fantasy wizard.

i think this is most apparent when you see him and justice talking to each other:

justice is very no-nonsense and straightforward and really super does not fucking appreciate anders' cheeky attitude, while anders is borderline obnoxious and seems to enjoy being a smartass for the fun of it.

so like. in da2 we know that for the Most part, the smarm and glibness has been very toned down and anders is now more somber and subdued. he's also become more romantic (both in the literal sense as well as in the literary sense) and idealistic. he seems to have settled in a middle ground between polite and familiar and his tone is less playful and more earnest. he's also become a lot more respectful with how he talks about religion, compared to how he casually wonders if andraste was actually ugly or something in awakening (interesting thing to note: we know for a fact that justice actually believes in the maker and also has a deep respect for mortal faith)

so my personal interpretation of the justice/anders dynamic is that they kind of exist on a spectrum of sorts. one side being "mostly anders" and the other side being "mostly justice" with his default state being right smack in the middle. something that immediately stuck with me when i got it was anders' reaction in aveline's act 2 quest

maybe i'm insane and overthinking it but. this is just such a fucking abnormal response to a cute goofy "oh no how do i get this guy to like me?!" conversation that i can't not immediately think. hi justice.

her banter i think also provides a pretty perfect example of this

hi justice ^_^

hi anders ^_^

so my interpretation has always been that like. while i do believe for the most part they are genuinely "one" as anders claims, it's pretty clear to me that there is still a small divide between them, but it's more like in the way purple is always a mix of red and blue, but sometimes purple is more blue than red. and sometimes it's more red than blue. they aren't entirely separate from one another, but you can clearly see which is the strongest at any given time.

am i making sense. is anyone here. can you hear me. hello

[avisxe]

verse viii. Jester |  EARTH - MORALITY SWAP / ROGUE AU

Dick Grayson was snatched up by the Joker before either the Bat or The Court could get to him. Not only was he thrown into a chemical vat full of toxins... But he was molded into the perfect ‘son’ as an ‘I’m sorry’ gift for his and Harley’s ‘toxic’ relationship. 

Harley is, understandably, horrified and is not into this gift whatsoever, and gets the kid ala ‘divorce’ scenario (it was the only way Dick would come with her). But now she’s left with a parentless child, who was certifiably insane in a way that very few people in the world understood how to handle as well as she could.

Jester, the Clown Duke of Crime, and the Tainted Gray Son of Gotham was born.

If any Harley Quinns ( and Jokers, by extension!) want to interact, we can talk together about details and plot specifics! Whether Harley ever WANTED him to go out as Jester, or not.... What are the specifics that brought Dick to them both... All of those things can be worked out :) 

(Of course, I don’t want to force the AU or the close relationship on anyone, so we can absolutely plot something else if you’re interested but don’t want to play it quite like the default setting for this AU! I want my rp partners to feel comfortable around me, so we will only do what you feel comfortable with!)

But by default, Dick’s moniker is ‘Jester’. He’s generally interested in building a name and reputation for both Harley and himself - while living the life he wants to. Security is a big part of what drives him. Financial security, home security, emotional security.....  Gymnastics and general acrobatics are not only refined but a focal part of his spent energy, thanks to Harley. 

When younger, Jester acted as a general way of distraction and display to others. No one wanted to deal with a cute kid.... ‘till said kid busted your balls with a heavy mallet and heely’d around you with cruel remarks that only 12-year-olds could master. Or set something on fire. Or pulled an alarm and got the room on lockdown. 

Ironically enough, being raised by a psychiatrist who understood the workings of a young person’s mind and could create good habits, and accessibility he needed.... As he aged, it had an extremely positive effect on Dick. He was a straight A student. Didn’t get into a lot of fights. Emotionally open. 

As a young adult, he is trying to establish himself as an independent person, and find a path that works for him. He doesn’t have a ‘moral code’ as much as he does what he does in order to make the people he loves happy, safe, and proud. 

A plot point that I’ve written out is that he manages to keep ‘Jester’ in the closet until college. He totally fucks up. Has to drop out (yikes! can’t escape it, even in this au, dick), and also gets locked up by that point. He managed to get to his third year of college with an Associates degree, though.

Like Harley, I think he’ll dabble anywhere from villain to anti-hero. He’s just unpredictable! 

That said, he not only kills, but has no real qualms about killing if something is in his way - or effects anything he does actually care about. He’s not afraid to brutally murder.

He is morally dubious in this AU, a total reversal of his canon self

Jester is friendly! Cute! An absolute fucking terror! Enjoys being around others. Reality is........... not a strict thing, in his mind. He’s pretty good at faking it though, as ‘Dick Grayson’. 

I was hugely inspired by the costume direction of Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) - and specifically picked Jester’s general outfit to be the yellow and diamond jumpsuit, with a pink bralette underneath- and a fun little eye mask. He’ll wear skates, mostly, but you can also find him on heelys or light-up sketchers. Jester will wear all different kinds outfits - depending on the gig and his current state.

Dick can be played at a multitude of ages in this AU, from baby rogue sidekick.... But I’ll typically play him as a default at age 18-20, as he’s establishing himself as an independent rogue within Gotham..

By default, your character should not know that Jester is Dick, unless in extenuating circumstances, like dimensional or time travel

Exceptions can be made, but we will need to discuss these beforehand! <3

I totally borrowed a lot of this format from @volucerrubidus​ who also has a rogue! au for his Tim here. I’ve had the pleasure to write and plot with Crow and he’s SOOOO fun! 

[veiledsilver]

Top five moments you've felt like the universe was messing with you.

Oh boy everyone get ready this is a long list. In descending order, from mildly funny looking back on it to "oh god oh shit oh fuck":

5. Catfishing: College Edition

In 6th grade, I decided to apply to colleges early to see how they were like. I was scared that if they knew I was too young, they'd arrest me. So I created a gmail account as my persona, a white 12th grader named Emilie Alexander. Emilie was planning to go into nursing, dating a high school linebacker named Kyle Kenderson, and deathly allergic to bee stings. If she even came near a bee, she would die.

This part was of the utmost importance.

See, I was constantly paranoid that one day, the jig would be up- I might forget that my fake last name was Alexander. Or the college dean might come knocking at my door and tear up my home in his mad search for Emilie. If that happened I would fake her tragic death, presumably caused by one big fucking bee.

I secretly collected my information. What nearby states were the prettiest to visit. Which colleges were the safest and most affordable. How often they held courses that I liked. In my emails with colleges I tried to sound as mature and professional as possible.

Then, one day, a college member asked me what high school I was in, so they could check my records.

My blood froze.

It was time to bring out the bee.

In response to their question, I sent an email that was like this:

"Dear Mr. McLaughlin, I was a proud graduate of- ugh! Ah! Kyaaaa! Uwaa! W-w-what's this... huge goddamn bee doing here?! Eek, pardon my foul language! It's just that, as I told you earlier, being stung by a bee would kill me.... and now it's stung me thrice (three times)!!

What do I do?! I can't die... I've always wanted to attend your beautiful college...

But this is... the end...

Mr. McLaughlin...

*looks at you sadly*

Tell... my mother... I loved her...

*dies*"

He never responded, probably because he was rendered speechless, but I never touched that account again.

My private gmail for fun stuff like tumblr still has "Alexander" as a surname, though.

4. Wild and Authentic

Alright. Alright. So. My art teacher in middle school.

Right off the bat, they endeared themselves to the tumblr art kids- they proudly used they/them pronouns, dyed their hair vibrant colors, deeply encouraged OC creation, and was chill with any art style even if it was anime. Mx. Mason was very cool, except for one thing.

We had complete artistic freedom when it came to their assignments, EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.

Drumroll, please.

Take a deep breath if you must.

Ready?

...

Cats had to have extremely distinct whisker pores.

YES, they believed that modern depictions of cats were too streamlined. Too... idealized. As a cat owner themselves, they were convinced that society's vision of cats did not do their feral feline ancestors justice. In making their faces flawlessly smooth-furred, we were stripping the cat of its true nature.

I found this out the hard way, when I was drawing warrior cats fanart for class (it was of Firestar cuddled in the arms of an orange haired anime catgirl who was his reincarnation in my first ever comic series, Warriors Neko Desu! ♡ Heart Academy Dokidoki).

Mx. Mason came over to look at my magnum opus, and I expected them to have their socks knocked off at my artistic talent. They lifted up my drawing for all to see, and I smugly leaned back in my seat.

Only for them to launch into a passionate lecture about how, in neglecting to draw whisker pores on cats, I was DENYING THIS FICTIONAL CAT OF ITS WILD AUTHENTIC SELF.

My friends absolutely lost it when I told them this story, and there was a period of time when all our discord nicknames were wild and authentic too.

As for Firestar and his counterpart Hoshineko Orenji-chan, I never did give them wild authentic whisker holes, but that's to be expected of a kittypet, I guess.

3. Stan Jungkook Or Whatever

A couple years ago, my family and I flew to Seoul, South Korea, to visit our relatives and teach me more about my heritage. It was very nice! I got to visit shrines and festivals and palaces, and I was in awe that this was what my ancestors had once seen in their daily lives.

Then, when we went to the modern side of Korea, I realized just how much I didn't fit in.

It was clear that I didn't know how to act, or how to speak Korean, and I spent my days fumbling around and getting scammed multiple times by salesmen. But I clowned myself the most... during an interactive event with kpop stars.

They had this experimental event where holograms of the boys would sing onstage and dance in place of the actual idols. Before the show began, girls could stand in booths that scanned their appearances, and holograms of THEM could dance onstage with the hologram boys.

I didn't know this.

When Cousin Ae-cha told me to step inside one of the machines, I thought I'd be hilarious and stand backwards, so it would scan the back of me instead of my front. As I walked out, I saw other girls putting on their best makeup, cutest clothes, and most expensive accessories, and I slowly realized that I was in danger.

But the danger didn't come until halfway through the concert, where the boys looked eagerly off-stage and a holy staircase appeared and all the hologram girls descended from heaven. There were cherry blossoms. There were roses. There was me, among the crowd of beautiful airbrushed girls, walking backwards.

I felt the judgemental gazes of twenty girls and their mothers.

Each boy danced with a girl, who got a cute animated moment with special effects, and sang about how they found a dream girl to have a true love romance with. Finally, all the girls vanished except one, and it was me.

One of the boys didn't dance with any girls, and now he was all alone in the rain, feeling dejected that HE did not find his true love girl to have a dream romance with. Then the rain stopped, the sun came out, and I emerged. Still backwards.

He was thrilled and sang about how my face (that he didn't see) stole his heart, and now everyone in the audience was giggling, and he slowly brought me very close to kiss me... but because I was backwards, his nose was cutely nuzzling my hair.

The audience members- at least the adults- were now laughing their asses off. His lips met the back of my head, and together we vanished into the wind.

I'd say I couldn't show my face there ever again, but I never did show my face, so... hm...

2. Horrid Little Temptress

If I wasn't a minor, I'd need a drink before starting this story. Sadly, I cannot drown my sorrows- and neither should you after you hear this, because it's only fair.

Mrs. Appleby was my Spanish teacher in like, 9th grade. Even the wild and authentic art teacher thought she was insane. Appleby forced kids to brew tea for her and yelled at them when they didn't get it right, and I thought she had a chronic squint until I realised she just did that to mock me and my Asian eye-folds. She forced us to watch Dora the Explorer to "absorb knowledge." Everyone fucking hated Mrs. Appleby.

But the worst thing she ever did... was during the school festival.

See, whenever she's angry, she zooms right into kids' faces to scream at them. Her wrinkled flesh would blot out the goddamn sun and all you see are her bloodshot yellow eyeballs so victims just stayed rooted to the spot like cornered animals or something similar. This is important.

Because when she was sampling her own brownies (read: hoarding them so no one else could eat them), one parent foolishly decided to grab one and she thought it was a student and she grabbed his wrist so hard she could've nearly snapped it and... and... zoomed into his face.

Except she underestimated his height and kissed him by accident, but it was more like her mouth was sucking in his face like a vacuum.

His wife was shrieking like an ape. His kid, my classmate, saw his social life flash before his eyes.

In her defense, she did not mouth to mouth with him on purpose and afterwards she cried in the bathroom and when I foolishly followed her in to comfort her, because I am a teacher's pet through and through, she snatched the paper towels I got for her and wailed that she was a-

A-

HORRID LITTLE TEMPTRESS.

If I had decided to not be kind, I never would've heard that string of fucking words. But I did. And I paid for it dearly. The end.

1. Violence IS The Answer, Sometimes

Thomas, my dearly detested.

Back in sixth grade, I used to have a crush on him because he had the surfer boy look with nicely tanned skin and pale blond hair and the clearest aquamarine eyes I've ever seen. He also liked surfing and swimming. He seemed like the perfect little trophy waifu except for one absolute dealbreaker.

He and his parents were extremely conservative and so, when I told him I liked him, his response was basically "haha no you're a [slur] and would probably eat my dog."

I was horrified and ran away to cry. But then, by the next day, I decided I needed to punish him. Thomas walked in before class started and I was waiting for him with these hands. I kicked him so he doubled over, slammed his face into his chair's seat, and quickly clambered on top of him to SIT ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. He started shaking and twitching and trying to pry me off, but eventually he went limp and stopped moving.

I thought he fell asleep, but Mohammed, another classmate who was bullied by Thomas, told me that Thomas might never wake up again (not that he was very sad about this. I didn't know until later, but Thomas said slurs at him too).

While I was sitting on the guy, he'd straight up passed out from the lack of oxygen.

Screaming and crying, I told our homeroom teacher that Thomas suddenly fainted, and she was the type of Caucasian that thought all little Asian kids were sweet and innocent, so it didn't even cross her mind that? It might've been me? Who sat on his head when she walked in?

He was sent home early that day. I had to go to a different school next year because Thomas's mom threatened legal action. The only reason I didn't get punished further was because my rich cousins out-Karen'd her and donated a huge amount of money to the school to keep them quiet.

Anyway, I never did anything that insane ever again, because something like that is enough for a lifetime. My cousins made it clear they would never back me up again. I was sure this whole event would be put behind me, too.

But last fall, during my first day of online learning... who did I see in my zoom meeting... BUT THOMAS! I had my mic and camera off, but the moment he saw my name, his face went pale. His soul would've left his body, but then it would've gone to hell, so it wisely decided to stay inside.

Still, out of shame and embarrassment, I never turned my camera on for the rest of the school year.

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoldretired]

some p!g-drv3 theories (spoilers obvi)

First of all I think people demonize the pg versions wayyy too much because its a good way to be le sexy in like fanfictions. And i get it, villains are hot or whatever. and also hs is a horny age to be. But even the edgiest and horniest of teens aren’t like. that sexual/monstrous. its kind of insane the portrayals people are placing

maybe this could also be like me being older bc when i was early hs i was like yea its fair to place these super mature portrayals on a 18-22 year old they are like adults but young and now im that age and im like woah there pardner. might be an age/maturity thing. 

also like its normal for people to relate to and portray characters their same age in a similar fashion, but when adults write more sexual content about the dg kids i get hella fucking sus

idk where i was going with that first comment i guess its like a preface and in the end i think its important when characters especially teenage characters are morally grey not because they’re mature and dark/brooding but because they are still young and learning. fuck im older than like most of them, but im still young and learning. its good to be in turmoil and confused, especially the drv3 cast. they are more confused than anything.

which i think is a reason why people would join dr because if you are completely loss and in turmoil, it is appealing to be given a purpose in life and amazing talents/abilities. despite the morals of danganronpa, it is a simple reality to be told who you are and what to do

OK ONTO HEADCANONS (not doing all bc i dont have thoughts about all)

first of all i understand changing stories but i think, deep down, you can’t change fundamental personalities/values. so while the backstories might be different i think, in the end, a baseline is always the same

SHUICHI being a Bad Boy is like canon obviously but i dont think he’s as manipulative as people make him out to be. i think he falls in the more the bully role that like. mae borowski or tf2′s scout filled before they grew up. rough background, bad anger issues, lots of emotional turmoil, and the only way he knows how to deal with shit is by committing crimes and beating the shit out of people. and, similar to those characters, drv3 represents an older, more emotionally sober yet equally confused version of himself. the urges are still there as foreshadowed in the dialogue. i think he struggles with guilt, mostly survivors, but there is still a lasting impact of guilt of what he did in his past, even if he can’t remember.

KOKICHI is a child. a piece of shit motherfucker child but a child. I really do think he’s like one of the youngest people in the cast. he reminds me a lot of when my brother doesn’t take his adhd medicine and takes jokes way too far and does mean and cruel things because he thinks its funny and that its just a fun joke, but is hurting people. he desperately wants approval, which is why his leader role is so interesting because in the dr narrative he has the approval he craves and so he is satisfied. still, he does try to impress characters like rantaro and values his opinions a lot, even developing a brotherly relationship in the time they knew each other. this being said, its established kokichi was bullied before, but i dont think he’s like. the wimp people make him out to be. i think he’s more of like the class clown who desperately uses humor to make people like him, and ends up resorting to be the butt of most of his jokes. you don’t just develop a good sense of humor out of a brainwash, and that’s not something you can program in. i think that was a remnant of before, and he’s so good at bullying people and coming up with roasts - i just think that in p!g the roasts were about him.

KAEDE is baby but her p!g personality seriously reminds me of any ~quirky/edgy~ girl in a teen coming of age story who tries to be edgy and cool and act like she doesn’t care but deep down, she really does. if she didn’t have an empathetic personality, she wouldn’t want to end the game. i also think she has that self-identifying QuIrKy personality because its like she lives in her own narrative, practically announcing this story is about her and she is the protagonist. i know i used to self narrate like that and distinguish how i was different when i was like. 15-16. she has a tumblr. 

I really like the theory where KAITO is a make-a-wish kid who was better when he was younger but relapses later in teens. he never used his wish before, so he decides to use it now to be on danganronpa and become the hero he always wanted to be. i also think he might have joined as a way to raise awareness about adolescent healthcare. definitely the type who puts on a “heroic” character to make everyone else feel better about the fact he is literally dying of a terminal illness, and keeps that act up till the end. 

i think KOREKIYO is still a serial killer. i think honestly a reason why he mightve auditioned for danganronpa is because he is a serial killer. maybe his sister found out and he felt so much shame that’s why he auditioned. he probably mentioned why in his interview because duh, tell them im a serial killer and then only reason im coming clean is my sister found out and im ashamed, that is like a guarantee to get on the show.  i LOVE the theory that his sister is still alive, however, and has to watch her brother go insane because they wrote her into the story as the villain. because technically, she brought on this guilt, and is the reason why he auditioned - as a way to cause despair, twist it around so she’s the one to blame for his insanity. also, because its pretty accepted DR members become celebrities, kork’s sister is totally bombarded with paparazzi and is demonized in the media. she might end up writing a tell-all memoir about kork’s actual childhood and personality. quiet kid, thoughtful, interested in anthropology, she never thought he’d hurt a fly. watching her brother go insane probably destroyed her. 

I also think, timeline wise, kork is probably one of the oldest members along with rantaro. tbh i think kork actually graduated hs and went on a gap year doing the whole “hitchhike around the world to discover myself thing” which is where he began killing people. he was getting ready to go to college when his sister found out about what he did. this is when he decided to go on danganronpa instead of university. this would help explain why he knows so much about other cultures/travel/been so many places with so many memories/killed/is knowledgable on a level most other students are not. this would place him at like, 20-21, where everyone else is like 15-18.

ok so there’s two p!g RANTARO, p!g before 53 and p!p!g before 52. i’d like to establish now i think rantaro is the oldest of the characters, seeing as though he was already pretty old to begin with in 52, it takes time between television seasons, and he was in another game. so im placing him like 21-23, similar to yasuhiro in d1 being so much older than everyone else. i do think, in all iterations, rantaro was pretty much raising his sisters, though i don’t think he had twelve like the story (i think that’s an exaggeration, his sisters mean a lot to him, lets make him have a TON and then lose them all and feel GUILTY) rantaro joined the first game, partially to get money for his family and hopefully establish them as celebrities and let them have a comfy lifestyle, even if he doesn’t live...and also to finally ahve some sort of experience without his siblings tagging along. if he’s been raising his sisters all his life, he’s never had like something that’s JUST his. that’s his adventure. 52 is his ULTIMATE adventure. ahaha. mostly for money, kind of dreading it, still a tiny bit excited

ok p!g rantaro between 52 and 53 probably came back broken. he did the signings and appearances, but mostly wanted to spend time with his family and make sure they were set up. i think he knew the whole like few months between seasons he had to go on another show, but he did’t tell his sisters. his family found out when they saw a billboard with his face plastered on it hyping up the return of a fan favorite. yikes!

ok i get it a lot of people hate HIMIKO but i think she’s not nearly as similar as other “useless” characters in other games. its like, pretty clear she’s depressed, and the only thing she’s holding onto with dear life is magic. lack of hygiene, lack of personal care, constantly tired, social interaction exhausts - she has depression, but she’s not an UWU depressed character. so people find her depressive traits (which are some of the most realistic portrayals of mental health in the series) SUPER annoygin. she joined dr because she was completely lost and needed some sort of direction in her life, even if she’ll die for it. the thing is, even with direction, her mental state didn’t change because she wasn’t getting legitimate help. it’s like that one SNL skit that’s like. same sad you from before but in a new place. i also think she knows the magic is not real, because how could she not. i think she’s so adamant that it IS real, less as a way to convince others, and more of a way to convince herself. it’s like really super cruel that team danganronpa took a girl who is desperate for meaning and gave her literally a meaningless, fake talent.

i also kin himiko and find her a comfort character because i feel seen by her, replacing her useless talent of magic with mine of like shitty film making and comedy. i am seen.

related i don’t think she’s nearly as ugly as everyone says she is, i think she’s probably just depressed and takes absolutely no care of her hygiene and sleep and looks like sick and greasy all the time. same queen.

honest to god i think RYOMA’s backstory, tennis and all, is like 100% real and he’s the only one who keeps all of his memories except for the fact this is a tv show. i think he rolled up, a hot fucking mess, and the danganronpa team were like damn. we cannot improve upon this. 

[scaryscarecrows]

Roots and Leaves, Pt. 3

You can believe or disbelieve Sheila's story-my lips are sealed.

This isn’t his fault. Really it isn’t.

He really was just minding his own business, picking up a few things for dinner, but this is Gotham, and every outing carries the risk of armed robbery. It’d be fuckin’ laughable if it weren’t, you know, annoying.

And potentially dangerous-this guy’s clearly a rookie at the whole ‘robbery’ gig. He’s waving the gun around and Jason can just see that finger twitching. Idiot…unless you’re really, really ready to kill someone, finger off the trigger, don’t crooks take any sorta common sense classes anymore, jeeze…

So. Really, as a qualified individual (anyone asks, he’s got prior military experience haha), Jason has to intervene. It’s an eighty-twenty shot that the guy’ll hit somebody rather than himself, and that’s just…no. Just no.

Fucker. He just wants to go home and make a goddamn stir-fry and then maybe have a root beer float and then go out and see about throwing the fear of a horrible death into that pimp whose girls walk Lindt Avenue and have barely-covered bruises. That’s literally all he wants to do today. Is that so much to ask? IS IT?

He sighs, sets his bell peppers (and they’d better still be here when he’s done, they are nice bell peppers, dammit) down, and thinks he should just get into the habit of wearing his body armor every time he leaves his apartment. Fuckin’ Gotham bullshit…every goddamn time…just once, just once, is all he asks…this never happens in Metropolis…

“Hey, you!”

Day-Ruiner turns around in time to take a fist to the face. He drops like a stone, gun falling neatly into Jason’s hand. There. Disaster averted, can he get his groceries and go home now?

No. No, he can’t, because there’s witnesses (and yeah, okay, that little boy staring at him like he’s Iron Man or something is really cute), and they’re all swarming around him. God dammit. See, this is why playing the hero is a stupid idea, he never learns…

“Holy shit, dude-”

“Sir, if you’d just-”

“Wow-”

“Did you see-”

stopStopSTOPSTOPSTOP-

“Really, I just-”

Someone grabs his arm and a woman says, “I’m a doctor, let me see your hand.”

He’s about to protest-he knows how to throw a punch, for fuck’s sake-but.

But.

Doctor-lady is blonde and blue-eyed and. And.

And he doesn’t know what to say, or do. Nothing? Nothing’s a good option. Nothing’s the best option. It’s just.

Up close, he can see it, maybe. Same jawline. Or maybe he’s grasping at straws, he just doesn’t know-

He’s led out of the throng-and oh, joy, somebody’s calling the cops and somebody else is recording this for ‘the gram’, whatever that is-and into the frozen aisle. An ice cream display with a smiling penguin on it stands out and he wonders how long it’ll take ol’ Ozzie to pitch a fit.

Or who the hell knows, maybe he’ll be flattered.

“Look, um, Miss-”

“Jason.”

What.

He shuts up, unable to even protest or deny or-or anything, and she reaches up, brushes roughened fingertips across the brand on his cheek.

“Look at you,” she whispers, “look at you.”

He should…something. ‘Do I know you?’ or maybe ‘what the hell are you doing?’, but he’s just. She’s. People don’t.

How the hell does she know who he is? He only hides the…hides it when he goes out because people stare, not because he’s worried about running into someone.

Sheila Haywood drops her hand and smiles. Jason is reminded uncomfortably of Leslie Thompkins trying to convince him, when Bruce first took him in, that she wasn’t going to hurt him. It’s a bright, reassuring smile, and never mind that he doesn’t…like…people smiling at him so much anymore, he doesn’t trust it. Every time he’s gotten that kind of smile, it’s been followed by a painful-ass shot at best (that sucker didn’t make up for shit, Doc, that hurt) or…worse.

Makes it easier to lie, though.

“Do I know you?”

“Oh!” The smile reals up a bit, turns awkward like her driver’s license photo. “I thought…hem, hem.” She straightens up, magically professional, and takes his (perfectly unharmed, thank you) hand. “This is awkward, I’m sorry…oh, you’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, I know how to throw a punch.” His mouth is dry and he doesn’t think that came out as testy as he wanted it to. “Who are you, exactly?”

He doesn’t want confirmation, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he needs to just shut up-

“Jason Todd?” He nods before he can stop himself. Even now, with his name so alien to his ears, he responds to it. “I. Your father was Willis Todd, right?”

Another nod. Sheila drops his hand but doesn’t stop looking at him.

“Hem, hem…this. This might be…I don’t want to have this conversation in an ice cream aisle. Can we talk somewhere else?”

He should say no. The answer is no, Bruce’s stupid files mean fuck-all and she gave the Joker who fucking knows what and…and…

And she recognized him.

And she asked.

“Okay.”

* * *

‘Somewhere else’ turns out to be some Ethiopian restaurant a few blocks away. Jason recognizes exactly nothing on the menu, but he’s game for anything once. He’s eaten rat before, for chrissakes. Joker…didn’t. He didn’t come back, for a while. Almost a week. And no one else had known to come, then, or they just hadn’t bothered. And it had run by, and, well…

Well. He doesn’t remember what it tasted like. He’s grateful.

Whatever this is-some sort of stew, with a crap-ton of vegetables in it-is spicy as all hell and he makes a note to test it against the Death Broth from his preferred soup cart across town. He likes it, though, even if it does make his lips hurt. (In its defense, it can’t help that he has the bad habit of chewing on them when he’s upset.)

Sheila apparently does the same thing-seems like every time he looks at her she’s either got them between her teeth or is desperately trying to keep them out. Her lipstick’s long gone after about twenty minutes.

If he’s going to be honest, he’s not sure which is more unnerving-the fact that he’s out in broad daylight, without the security of his hood and his sunglasses and a book-shield, or the fact that he’s out with what Bruce’s files claim is his mother.

Both. He’s gonna go with them both being equally stressful and not think about it further.

They haven’t spoken since they sat down. He doesn’t know what to say. How much does she know, what’s going on?

“I thought you were dead.”

Well, that wasn’t what he was expecting. Though to be fair, a lot of people were under that impression. Supposedly.

“Mm-mm.” Maybe not the most eloquent of responses, but it’s not like Emily Post has a chapter about ‘what to say to people who thought you were murdered by an insane clown’. “Not exactly.”

“I’m so sorry, Jason.”

For what? It’s not like she kidnapped him and gave him to Joker. Jeeze.

“It wasn’t your fault-”

She laughs, sort of, and it’s shaky and broken and a little unsettling.

“I don’t think we’re on the same page, I’m sorry.”

What’s going on.

“Um, Miss-Miss? Miss, okay-Haywood, I don’t…”

“Willis Todd and I dated for about two years,” she says, and okay, maybe she doesn’t know very much but she recognized him so she knows something and he doesn’t understand- “Then we broke up and he started seeing Catherine Johnson.”

What do normal people say to this, people that haven’t seen Batman’s stalker files?

“Okay?”

“You have to understand, I was a poor college girl, and by the time I realized…” She laughs again, awkward and shaky and broken. “You were a dream pregnancy, kid.”

Well. Add that to the bucket of ‘didn’t know, don’t care, thanks’.

“That’s good?”

She nods.

“By the time I realized, it was…I didn’t know what to do, I ended up in some crap clinic, arguing with your father.” He figures now’s not the time to state that Willis was no father. He was just sorta…well. It doesn’t matter. “Labor’s a bitch and don’t let anyone tell you different.” They don’t. “I went down, after, and when I woke up, Willis was gone and the doctor-well, I say doctor, you know how it can be down there-said you’d died.” She reaches across the table and grips his sleeve. “I was young, I was on painkillers that probably weren’t…I believed him, and I’m sorry.”

The sad thing is, it’s Gotham and that kind of shit happens all the time. Willis used to complain that not even the damn mobs would take him and why didn’t he throw him in the river and blah, blah, blah. Mom-Catherine-used to, on her better days, tell Willis to shut up and drink his goddamn beer. Usually he’d even do it, because by the time he’d start complaining he was halfway through a box anyway and too comfy to retaliate.

So. As crazy as it sounds, it’s not at all out of the realm of possibility.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he says. “It wasn’t your fault, it’s okay.”

“I should have known better.” Frank, to the point. “I should have realized from the get-go. I was studying to be a doctor, for Heaven’s sake, what does that say?”

“That I didn’t want you to flunk your exams?”

This time the laugh’s a little more genuine and she pats his arm-why does she keep touching him?-and shakes her head.

“Maybe.”

They fall into a semi-awkward silence. There’s the buzz of casual chatter around them, and the sound of dishes being passed around and of traffic outside, shouting and honking horns and an ambulance.

He’s not sure what to say. What is there to say?

“But you recognized me.” That’s not what he meant to say. He meant to…to put an end to this, because he doesn’t have family and it’s better that way and…

And she could have kept her mouth shut and she didn’t and he wants to know why.

“Batman was looking for you.” Because Alfred made him, probably. “And I…I made some mistakes, when I was younger.” He can’t even really judge her too much because Joker got inside his head, too. “He thought. He thought I might be able to help. God, he scared the shit out of me.” He’s good at that. That’s one of the very few things he’s absolutely mastered. “And I didn’t know anything, but…but here you are.”

She’s still holding his sleeve and he twists his arm so his fingers are brushing hers. It’s the best he can do.

“Yeah,” he says, and he doesn’t mean for his voice to be so goddamn tight. “Yeah, here I am.”

[clown-bait]

29 Neibolt ST (Monster Roommate AU)

Alright I’m just going to start posting this anyway since I have so much of it already written. This is my first venture into writing so go easy on me. Im normally an artist not a writer. I’ll intro my OC too she’s a grungey stoner girl going through some big changes. Those changes being that she’s slowly turning into a nosferatu style vampire. She “Dropped out” of bartending school, dumped her abusive ex and moved to Maine where she found out that every monster in the world had the same idea. Eventually she moves in with everyones favorite clown and feelings start to happen. This chapter is just intros really smut and romance is coming. Mostly a parody humor fic with horror and romance thrown in. There is lots of gore, NSFW, drug use, alcohol, death, swearing, and violence. So you’ve been warned. Chapter 1 The Contract She had been there for a month now. Somehow she was still alive, and living amongst monsters. “You know…It’s not that bad mom, the house is a bit old but it’s charming you get used to it after awhile.” as she says this a chunk of the Old Well House’s ceiling falls onto the ancient dining room table. She flinches a natural reaction left over from humanity’s days as a prey animal but she recovers quickly mostly unfazed. “Visit? Oooooh no, no, thats not a great idea. Roommates are a bit quirky you wouldn't like them.” she said into the phone. Quirky was a massive understatement. She opened the fridge and let out a groan of frustration at the severed head and arm sitting on top of her tupperware. “that son of a bitch” she whispered “Hey mom call you back, kitchen trouble. Love ya.” she hung up the phone and shouted “ALRIGHT WHO’S IS THIS?!” her voice echoed through out the old decaying house. She was met by heavy breathing and guttural grunting the kind you would hear in a horror movie sound clip. She turned to the doorway towards the owner of the sound, a hulking behemoth donning a butchers apron. He’s covered in old blood soaked handprints and his signature mask made of the leather from a human face. “What the hell Leatherface you have your own fucking fridge for this shit” she stated unafraid. Now one would be wondering at this point why is this girl so relaxed? Why has she not died of a heart attack or been murdered by these horrible housemates. This clearly wasn't your average college drop out living situation, not by a long shot. No my friend, this is the story of a human who literally lived with her monsters and in the process became one herself. But the only thing you need to know right now dear reader, is that Lucy Smith never turned down a good deal.  It all started when she wanted to get out of the city. Adam and our dear Lucy had just broken up after being her high school sweetheart and boyfriend for 5 long years. It happened at the end her second to last year of college, he had become an absolute monster and she was done with his shit. Lucy wanted to get away. Away from everything that reminded her of him and the life they had shared together. “I’ll go to the other side of the country,” she thought “as far as possible I’ll go to fucking Maine.”   When she found the house it looked abandoned. “Fucking hell this must be a fake ad or something. No way this place is inhabitable.” she groaned but there was a small sign in the window of the house on Neibolt Street that read “Room for Rent” in badly drawn red ink. “Wellp I got nothing to lose anyway, either I die via whatever serial killer is squatting here or the drinking will get me later.” She had next to nothing other than a car, her belongings and enough money for three months worth of rent. This really was her only option. As she walked by the sun flowers haphazardly planted in the front yard in some sad attempt to make the house look pleasant, the front door creaked open on its own. “Yeah I’m definitely going to get murdered.” she mumbled. Lucy stepped cautiously in the doorway “Um hello? I’m here about the room?” something scuttled on the floor above her, it sounded like the pitter patter of children’s feet. Lucy’s heart began to pound her blue eyes wide now and her senses heightened. “Anyone?” she called out into the decrepit house. Lucy made her way to the window and picked up the for rent sign clutching it tightly to her chest. She was an avid horror fan, and she was no idiot. This house screamed ghost murderer she began to step further into the house when suddenly the door slammed shut. “FUCK” she shouted trying to pry it back open but it wouldn't budge “ALRIGHT ASSHOLE” she yelled “I’m fucking done with this game! You going to discuss the room with me or not?!” a door in a different room had creaked open and Lucy could have sworn she heard the faint sound of bells. “This isn't funny bitch” she yelled nervously searching for an exit “be brave be brave be brave” she whispered to herself. Down the hall she heard footsteps from something large they seemed to be dragging across the floor. Fucking hide you idiot her brain told her she quickly and silently bolted to the kitchen, almost on the verge of tears now cursing herself for even getting into this situation. She frantically searched the room for something to hide in and a half open cabinet caught her eye. She made a dash for it when she hear the jingle again this time louder and coming form the basement of the Well-house. She reached for the rotting door and screamed when something grey and furry leapt out at her. It smelled almost dead and its eyes were lifeless and faded. The creature was a very pissed off dirty grey cat. “Holy shit little guy” she managed to say. The cat darted off into the house and Lucy let her guard down slightly breathing a sigh of relief, only to turn around to meet a twisted smile with long fangs and glowing yellow eyes. Suddenly the demon clown shot a gloved claw out around her throat. Lucy passed out from sheer terror, dropping the for rent sign on the ground next to her.  ___________ Lucy awoke to voices, they were twisted and clearly agitated. Their tones were enough to make someones skin crawl. Her thoughts were foggy and her head ached from hitting it on her way down. She moved to rub it but she found she was tied to a chair, she thrashed a bit in a sad attempt to escape. the girl knew knew it wouldn't work. She was frail and malnourished looking, a text book punk kid in flannel and a stupid t-shirt that had a skeleton hand holding up the cliche devil horns. She wasn't getting out of this. The voices began to sound clearer now she had yet to open her eyes but she could hear what the owners were saying. “We can’t just kill her we need the money.” “She’s fucking human Tiff, just let the clown and the big guy fight over her meat!” “We’re about to lose the house babe! This is the best place we've had in years!”   “You know the rules no regular humans allowed in our society.” “Leatherface is human!” “PFF barely,” “Will you two PLEASE stop bickering for 5 seconds!” “Oh you wanna finally join us Jingles? Because you've been sitting there drooling for the past five minutes while we've been trying to figure out what to do about YOUR house.” “DO NOT CALL ME JINGLES, DOLL!!!” Lucy opened her eyes, light stung them at first and her vision adjusted. She gurgled out a moan of pain and the room suddenly went silent. Across from her were two dolls one a pretty blonde girl doll with dark makeup the other a boy haphazardly stitched together in a terrifying way. “What the fuck” she mumbled turning to look behind her, she heard heavy breathing that coming out so deep they almost sounded like moans. The monster towered over her and most horrifying of all he wore the skinned face of a dead woman. Lucy quickly turned away to finally find the other inhabitant pouting in the corner, the evil clown from earlier. He was tall, lanky and had a giant forehead with fluffy orange hair twisting around like cotton candy. The clown was staring right at her with a terrifying hunger in his eyes, like he could smell her fear from across the room. She tried to soak it all in. This isn't happening this isn't real. Oh god I'm going to die here she thought. Then, something deep within Lucy’s mind snapped. She began to laugh. Her laughter was a mix of hysteria and horror it was insane and manic. “Wellp I’ve finally lost it.” she thought to herself as her cackling died down. The monstrous flatmates stared at her slightly confused by her reaction.  “Well that the first time I’ve made that kind of impression. Thought makin' them laugh was your thing jingles.” the boy doll mused The clown let off an inhuman warning growl and the doll grinned wickedly. “Y-youre all r-real.” Lucy stuttered starting to slip into insanity. “Careful who you say isn't real around here toots, Jingles over there tends to get real triggered about that subject” the male doll quipped “Are you done insulting me yet? You disgusting excuse for a child’s toy.” the clown hissed “Not on your life chucklefuck.” “Chucky! Can we please focus on the girl!” the dolls female counterpart snapped “Sorry pumpkin, they've been having a bit of a dispute ever since the clown left a huge pile of drool outside the fridge yesterday morning” she turned to Lucy who now was a mix of terrified and utterly confused. “I was very hungry and couldn't decide what to eat!” the clown pouted “YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE PANTRY FULL OF DEAD CHILDREN IN THE SEWER DO YOU EVEN NEED TO EAT ANYTHING ELSE?” Chucky shouted back at him. “Wow that hurt. I don't just eat children you know” the clown mocked being struck in the heart followed by a sharp glare. The silent behemoth behind Lucy had decided enough was enough and banged on the counter next to him. All in the room went quiet. The female doll sighed “Well if you two are going to be children about this I’ll make the decision for us. Alright look hun. We’re in a bit of a pickle and we need an extra roommate or Penny here is going to lose the house. Then well all be shit outta luck, especially you sweetheart. So I’m givin ya two options” she looked at the grumpy killer clown who huffed and finally nodded giving the female doll permission “One, you take the room. You will live here as the fake owner so the town doesn't try to reclaim the house and tear it down. Or two…. you die.”  “And if I don’t want either?” Lucy questioned giving in completely to this new terrifying situation she was in. All the inhabitants in the room smiled wickedly. The clown stepped forward and grabbed Lucy’s chin forcing her to look into his golden predatory eyes, they were slightly out of alignment as if he was barely managing to keep control of himself  “You can try to run kitten, but in a house full of monsters” he grinned his smile sadistic with a sprinkling of insanity “I promise you wont get far.” he inhaled sharply as if sniffing a freshly cooked meal before taking a bite. Lucy swallowed her fear and insanity pushing it down deep within her. “I’m a fucking survivor and I’m not going to die in some rotting haunted house.” She thought to herself. The clown growled and shoved her face back roughly as if offended by her sudden burst of bravery. “How much is rent?” she stated cool and suddenly collected.She wasn't really but the girl was no stranger to putting on a brave face. The group turned to the clown who was suddenly put on the spot “….$450” “Fuck that. Does this crackhouse even have running water?” she spat. “Watch your filthy little mouth!” the clown growled. She had obviously hit a very sore spot. A weakness she smirked. “$300” she haggled.  “Just for that remark, five” the clown sneered in her face again, he was so close she could feel his breath on her nose. “You cant go up you fucker” “How much is your life worth to you little human” “About 300 bucks a month, clown.” “Four.. not including utilities” he smiled like the devil himself. She broke. “Look if you don’t kill me then my ex probably will. Im dead either way. Probably safer with a bunch of monsters than with that psycho, so $350 with utilities and I wont call the cops and make sure people stay away from your place. You all obviously want to remain here in secret so I keep my mouth shut about what you are and you give me a cheap place to live and start over. I honestly don't give a shit if I'm living with demon dolls and cannibals. I just want freedom from my old shitty life and my old shitty ex.” she stared back into the clowns eyes in pure defiance. Blue and gold bore into each other in some unseen battle. Few have ever done this to him before and were allowed to live. Finally the clown broke the stare he was a bit thrown off. “I’m not a cannibal I'm not even human you disgusting Leech.” he mumbled. Clearly the demon clown had a pride issue. “Wait call the cops? Ah shit Chucky you forgot to take her phone???” the Tiffany yelled at the male doll. “You didn't fucking tell me too! I thought we were going to kill her like we do with all the humans that wander in here!! Didn't see the fucking need but apparently were all going soft because Buck Tooth McForehead over here is worried about foreclosure!” “You idiot! You never listen to me!!!!” she screamed and lunged at him.  The clown rolled his eyes at them, apparently this happened a lot. “Can you guys please take this to the bedroom, since I know where this is going and I really don't want walk in to find you making up on my sofa again.” Leatherface who had been mostly silent had moaned and covered his eyes clearly grossed out at the thought. “FINE were leaving! Tell us when you two kids make a damn deal instead of eye fucking each other for hours” Chucky shouted from the floor his wife’s hands around his neck. “Ew what the hell man we weren’t…” Lucy began but was cut off by an eruption of anger from the clown. “GET OUT.” the clown roared.They stood up and Chucky took his wife’s hand in his and Tiffany gave Lucy a wink as she left. “what the hell was that-“ Lucy started. “Ignore them” the clown interrupted once again. “Ok but like what did he mean by-“ “Ignore them” She turned her attention again to the tall murderous, inhuman apparently, clown. Who was clearly extremely annoyed with the whole situation. “So we have a deal clown?” “Pennywise” the clown said. “PennyWhat?” “I have a name and its Pennywise… The dancing clown.” “You dance?” “Not the point.” “Can I see?” “No.” “I thought clowns liked to preform.” “Are you finished?” “Maybe.” Lucy fired back at him.  The clown was not used to this amount of sass from such a small frail looking thing. She could certainly run her mouth. It reminded him of a very specific boy that had smacked him in the head with a baseball bat all those years ago. He knew he was going to hate this human, but he had little to no choice in this. The Well-house was apart of him and desperate times call for desperate measures. He decided to wait to kill her when she tries to move out. It'll happen eventually anyway, after all this human will be living amongst monsters, horrible abominations true living nightmares! No normal sane human would be able to last long in this situation. And then he will enjoy feasting on this small thing’s flesh. Biting into her pale skin hearing her cry out in fear when he turns on her. Oh yes her sweet, delicious, beautiful fear. He'd inhale her scent and burry his nose into her bleeding flesh licking the wound in her neck. Those big blue eyes wide in terror as the filthy leech rose up finally floating. Her short platinum hair swirling around her frozen face. Beautiful, intoxicating, delicious, alluring, all mine, mine, mine, MINE- he woke himself from his trance his eyes had drifted apart and he was drooling immensely. She was staring at him waiting for him to say something. He mentally cursed himself for those strange thoughts that had just drifted through his head. “You uh…. you ok there? It looks like you left earth there for a bit”   The clown sighed and growled more turning to his giant flatmate. “Untie her and bring me some ink Leatherface, lets just get this over with” Pennywise said exhausted. The giant equally concerned and confused grabbed a knife off the kitchen wall and cut her free. Lucy’s first instinct was to run but she glued herself into the reality of her situation. The behemoth walked over to her still holding the knife and she suddenly felt the fear come back. What if the clown had lied? The giant grabbed her hand roughly. Shit she began to panic as he pressed the blade into her hand and cut. Pennywise was now sporting a devilish grin seeing his flatmate to be squirm and whimper under the blade. He suddenly had an old looking contract and a quill in his hand which he laid out on the table in front of her “Read it and sign it Leech” he sneered “Really? Im signing it in blood? Really?” “You’re being difficult and childish just sign the damn paper.” “Why do you keep calling me Leech anyway?” “Because you're sucking me dry with this $350 a month deal, sign the paper.” “Do I get to at least remodel my room?” “SIGN THE PAPER” “Bite me clown. I want to know the fine details.” “Careful what you wish for little Leech it just might come true.” he muttered. “That a threat Penny?” she fired backThe clown glared at the nickname. “You know, you’re cute when you're mad” she chuckled reading the document. “Interesting requirements you got here. Don’t know what the hell this whole community council thing is and all these weird secrets but eh its cheap living can’t complain.” she dabbed the pen on her open wound and scribbled her name on the line.  “Congratulations were flatmates.” the clown growled snatching the paper and walked off towards the basement. Lucy turned to Leatherface and chuckled. “I like him, he’s fun. So you guys gonna take me on the grand tour?” the giant still very confused with the whole situation nodded silently and Lucy followed him out. She didn't quite know what she just agreed to and this definitely wasn't the change she had in mind. All she knew was that she had wished for a new start and she sure as hell was getting one. 

[queennicoleinboots]

Chapter 10 of Completely Out of Sync: Too Many Frustrations of the New Millennium – Not Found in Statham, GA (Joebear POV)

“GET INSIDE!” Blondie Black screamed from inside the house.

Ruby Black, Baby Black, and I ran toward the house as fast as we could to get out of the waterfall that descended from the sky. We could barely see in front of us as the rain water hit the hot ground below us. Gotta love this insane humidity. Mist choked the air.

Baby Black farted again as she ran ahead of me.

“Thank you for farting,” I said as I waved my paw in front of my face to avoid smelling it. “Again.”

Ruby Black started coughing behind me. She and I started laughing before we became trapped in the fart cloud. We were truly soaked before we finally entered the house. The wooden floor was becoming soaked. Baby Black, Ruby Black, and I shook the water out of our fur.

I guess I was stuck there until it was safe to call AAA to jump the battery in that piece of shit Nissan Versa. The worst part was AAA always took forever, and they are going to have a hell of a time finding me on this property. If it weren’t storming like mass hell outside, AAA would have a possible chance of finding me. But, I would rather be safe with these four dogs than to try to escape Statham, GA in this kind of weather. This kind of weather has literally blanketed this area all day, but it was horrible now. I swear that Hurricane Fuck Off was outside banging at the windows of this cottage. There was no way I was going to get my fur muddy by being out in that shit. There was no way Baby and Ruby Black were going to stay out in that weather. There was no way that BearBear and Blondie Black were even going to be able to stay on the ground if they went out there. Those two would be blown away by the wind. So, we were stuck in the cottage being battered by a hellstorm.

I took this moment to call my wife. I missed her.

“BAAAAAEEEEWHUHHHHHHHH!!!!!” she sang to greet me.  

“BaeBae!” I shouted out of excitement.

The dogs barked and howled to greet Xara.

“Oh hello, Blondie!” she shouted. “How are you doing?”

Blondie Black got on my phone and started blurting shit out. “Xara! Oh my God the craziest shit has been happening here! Goofy-looking dumbasses with typical lab coats were here at the house. One of them even looked like a clown posed as a doctor. How the fuck did this guy get this job? It seems that the Veterans Administration would hire anyone who can wipe his ass and not leave a skidmark in his underwear.”

We all fucking burst out laughing. Blondie Black definitely didn’t pull any punches. Ruby Black was rolling on the floor and literally laughing.

“Yeah, that’s typical of the Veterans Administration. Is your family okay?” she asked.

“Uhhhh yeah… about that. They were abducted-” Blondie Black started to say before BearBear Black cut her off by tackling her.

“ARRESTED! THEY WERE ARRESTED BY THE POLICE COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND!” BearBear Black shouted at my wife.

“WE GOT IT BAD BECAUSE WE’RE BROWN!” Ruby Black shouted.

Xara couldn’t help but crack up. “Arrested? For what?!” she asked.

“They were arrested for nudity,” I explained to her.

“Really? On their own property?” she asked with a bit of a laugh.

“Yes, it seems she had been indecently exposing herself again... on her own property,” I explained to her as I was actually confused by the logic. “The police really have gone overboard. It’s unreal. There is no privacy anywhere. You don’t own your own property. The banks still charge property taxes every year. The cops run wild on 'your' property. It’s all bullshit. I’ll be honest. I don’t even fully understand what’s going on.”

“Yeah, that’s ridiculous. Are they in prison?! And what happened to Lorraine Black’s phones?!” she asked as she sounded like she was getting irate.

“The Veterans Administration pulled rank and had the phones shut off,” I answered plainly. Baby Black barked in the background to affirm my statement.

“UGH! Fuck the VA! They strip every veteran of his rights!” she shouted.

“There are female veterans out there, ya know!” Blondie Black boldly corrected her.

‘Who the fuck cares?’ I thought.

“Okay. They strip every veteran of his or HER rights,” Xara said. “And don’t get me started on how shitty the healthcare system in the United, or should I say Divided States of America is. For the military nonetheless? Geez. No wonder I deal with sick dumbasses all day. These people don’t give a fuck about Veterans.”

Blondie Black howled to affirm her statement. “Yes, and they have clown doctors! Come on! This bullshit is medieval. I wish we would just evolve already. It’s 2020, and this is the best medical care available in the United States: clown doctors, pills that make us sicker instead of better, and bullshit vitamins that barely cover our essential nutritional needs. I don’t buy that. These people WANT US TO BE SICK AND DUMB!” she shouted with a series of barks.

BearBear Black, Ruby Black, and Baby Black barked like hell in agreement. I agreed with them, too, so I did what any bear would do if he strongly agreed with something: growl like King Bear. I growled so loudly that the cottage shook. I even started laughing hysterically as the cottage shook. I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t handle this world no more.

“Holy Shit!” BearBear Black said as her fur stood on edge as she stared at me with bewildered dark blue eyes.

Xara laughed maniacally. “Not to mention that most doctors are foreign because Americans apparently don’t know shit about the medical field at all. Think about it. When you go to college, most people that major in medicine are fucking foreign. Especially Indian, Spanish, or Asian. In fact, the Indian, Spanish, and I daresay the Chinese language has infiltrated its way into the vernacular here in America. English WAS supposed to be the official language in this country, but nope. Americans are too big of pussies to stick up for their own bullshit language, so they allow every Tom, Dick, and Harry to morph our language into something that not even Einstein can figure out! I wish the United States was united, but it's really not. The states all seem to be doing their own thing when it comes to handling COVID-19. We as a people are politically and religiously divided. The States of America just seem to have a smorgasbord of people who have nothing in common other than the fact that they live in North America. Some aren't even citizens. So yeah, we are more divided," she shouted over the phone. Uh oh. My wife was going on another rant again.

“The doctors don’t give a damn about your health. It’s all about the money,” I said flatly. “The Rothschilds and the Rockafellers have monopolized the insurance companies, and the insurance companies govern the way healthcare is done in this country. It’s an absolute fucking joke!”

The Black dogs all barked and howled in agreement to what I was saying. BearBear Black even farted as she jumped up and down and barked. That dog was pissed off and nothing to fuck with.

“It really is. It’s crazy. Even with home health care, you can work as hard as you can for four fucking years, but if you have a bad month, the coordinators don’t give a fuck. It’s all about money. It’s all about numbers. They don’t give a damn about the employees or the customers. Their mission statement is a fucking lie. By the way, one of their mission points is face-to-face conversations with everyone, but with COVID-19, that’s completely out the window. In other news, thank God I have my own cleaning company. Home health care agencies are absolute total bullshit at this point. And who the fuck wants anyone in their home anyway right now?” she ranted in a shaky voice. She was so pissed that she was starting to malfunction.

“Well, I wasn’t trying to upset you, baby,” I said to try to calm her down. I didn’t like seeing her upset.

The Black dogs were just going to town with the barking and howling. Baby Black got pissed and kicked a table leg. I was getting a headache from all of the noises.

This was one of those moments where I wished I had a juicy steak to share with these dogs. They were probably hungry. I got up to find them something to eat while Xara was just bitching about the status quo, Peter Wallace Parker (who can be a real fucking asshole sometimes), and how she had no coffee. She was hungry, too. She forgot her lunch AGAIN. I wanted to beat her ass for that, but this was not the time to tell her that. There were five angry bitches in my presence, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive.

“I’m fucking hungry!” Baby Black screamed.

“I’m fucking hungry, too. Come to think of it!” Blondie Black said as she was moving in and out of my legs.

“Stop! Lay down!” I screamed at Blondie Black. I was looking for dog food and finally found it in the last kitchen cabinet to the right. The balls of my feet were killing me. Probably from stress.

To tell you the truth, I was hungry, too, but not as hungry as these dogs. BearBear and Blondie Black were literally diving into the bag of food the minute I pulled it out of the cabinet.

“Goddammit! I’m trying to feed you!” I shouted as I scooped out the dog food with my bear hands and threw it at the bitches.

Baby and Ruby Black were eating like crazy. Meanwhile, my wife was still yammering on about something.

“Oh! I forgot my lunch goddammit!” Xara said loudly as she slapped herself on the forehead.

‘Are you serious?’ I thought. ‘Wow, my wife is braindead sometimes!’

“Order a pizza tonight,” I said. “I have no idea when the fuck I’m getting out of here. This storm actually has me locked in here with four hungry female dogs. And I’m hungry!”

“THERE’S HONEY IN THE CABINET SOMEWHERE!” Blondie Black yelled in between her munching in the bag.

“Thank you, Blondie,” I said as I ransacked the cabinets to find the honey. Once I did, I bit into the honey bottle and started eating the honey. Fuck table manners. Only pretentious people use those!

“You are strong, Joebear Campinelli!” Ruby Black said as she laughed a little bit.

Good Lord, this dog was horny. I took a deep breath and tried to resist the power of Ruby Black.

Meanwhile, I heard Peter Wallace Parker scream a blood-curdling scream on the other side of my wife’s phone. I cringed and asked, “Is everything okay, my love?”

“No, baby. Peter is having yet another meltdown. I need to tend to him,” she said.

“Okay, baby. Be careful,” I said. “Love you.”

“LOVE YOU, BOO!!!!” she shouted.

I hung up the phone and decided it was time to give Ruby Black the rub of her life. She was a dog, and dogs deserve to be petted. In fact, I planned to pet ALL of these bitches before the night was out.

“Okay, all done!” Blondie Black exclaimed as she rushed under me and started pawing at my knees.

I lifted Blondie Black and started petting her and kissing her cheeks. She was such a baby. She was whining and making grunts as I was scratching her back.

Ruby Black then came over and started pawing at my knees.

I put Blondie Black down and then kneeled down to pet both of those dogs. They both lied on their backs as I played with them and pet them.

BearBear and Baby Black were still eating while Blondie and Ruby Black were getting tons of affection from my bear paws.

There was a knock at the door. All four dogs rushed to the door and started barking their heads off.

I blinked and thought to myself, ‘What the fresh hell is going on here?’

“Fuck off!” BearBear Black shouted through the door.

“I could if I would, but I have been ordered to be here,” the man at the door said. “I need to speak to the head of household.”

“He’s not here,” Blondie Black said.

“Understood. Who is next in command?” the man at the door asked.

“I am!” BearBear Black shouted. “State your business!”

“Oh bullshit, BearBear! I am next in command,” Baby Black said as she pushed the door open to reveal herself. Her light blue eyes pierced through the clown in the white coat at the door. Her ears were pinned down as she was ready to fuck this guy up.

The other three dogs were baring their teeth at him as they almost pounced on that poor son of a bitch.

“What the fresh hell is going on here?” the clown man asked as he blinked.

Baby Black pounced on him and knocked him on his back against the wooden porch.

“Holy shit. I might faint!” the clown said as he stared fearfully into Baby Black’s blue eyes of death.

“We have the same question for you,” BearBear Black said as she scurried toward his face and started barking.

“I WAS SENT HERE TO DO A CENSUS FOR THE VETERANS ADMINISTRATION! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!” the clown screamed as tears were going down his eyes.

“Fuck you,” BearBear Black shouted as she barked at him.

“The Veterans Administration is the same reason that I am the head of household AS A DOG!” Baby Black said in a low voice as she growled at him. Her teeth were sharp, and she was nothing to fuck with.

“Yes. What the fresh hell is going on here?” Blondie Black asked as she scurried over to the clown’s face. “How do you not know what’s going on?”

“Honestly, no one tells me anything. I have to come to the houses and confirm everything,” the clown said as he started crying.

“There, there,” Blondie Black said as she nuzzled up against him. “I can imagine that your job is very stressful.”

“It is… it is…,” the clown said as he literally started bawling. “All I wanted to do was provide city data for veterans who want to retire. They worked hard when they were in service. The least we could do is give them data to figure out the best place to live after going through the horrors of war…”

“Well, this place isn’t it,” BearBear Black said as she barked. “This place is a fucking hell hole. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY TECHNOLOGY ON?!”

I waved my cell phone stupidly at BearBear Black. “You want me to turn this off, correct?” I asked.

“YEAHHHHHHHHHH,” BearBear Black said. “Why the fuck would you have that thing on anyway when the Veterans Administration is here?!”

“Excuse me, Princess,” I said as I turned my cell phone off. “I was in the middle of eating this ice cream.”

“WHO IS THAT MAN?!” the clown asked.

“None of your business!” Ruby Black shouted as she circled around his head. “He does not live here! He is visiting! IS VISITING NOW ILLEGAL BECAUSE OF COVID-19?! DO EVEN DOGS AND BEARS HAVE TO WEAR MASKS NOW?!”

The other three dogs barked in his face.

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to gather data. Are there any humans here?” he asked.

BearBear Black shook her ass and just stared at him like he was a retard. “What kind of a retarded question is that?”

“A retarded question that all Veterans Administration census workers unfortunately have to ask. May I access a pen please? Are those allowed in this non-technological house?” the clown asked as he rolled his eyes. I could tell he was over these four dogs getting in his space.

Baby Black got off of him and sat down in front of him.

The clown sat up and reached his pen and pad.

“TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMN CELLPHONE OR WHATEVER TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICE YOU HAVE!” BearBear Black screamed at him as she was in his face and barking at him.

“All right. All right. Damn you’re insistent, dog woman,” the clown said as he turned his many technological devices off to appease this fucked-up dog.

“Thank you. Now you can start writing,” BearBear Black said.

Baby Black barked a strong bark as she still stared him down with her icy blue eyes.

“Is all of that barking really necessary?” the clown asked as he was writing down some answers to questions that he unfortunately already knew.

“Is that a question on your census?” BearBear Black asked.

“Son of a bitch, I actually have to look,” the clown said as he flipped through this book of questions to find it. A few minutes later, he actually found the damn question. “Actually, yes. It’s on the side questionnaire that’s in Section C for if the poor son of a bitch veteran has a dog.”

“Let me clarify that Diamond Black, Tim Black’s mother, was actually not a bitch at all. She was the sweetest and most intelligent woman of all time,” Blondie Black corrected. “Is that question still on your census?”

The clown scrolled down a couple pages before he looked at Blondie Black straight in the face and said, “Yes. It would have been horrible if you had mistaken Tim Black's mother for his father, ya know. We would have had to go through this process all over again.”

“Thar would have been a real bitch. In that case, we will be more than happy to answer your question. It is always necessary for a dog to bark. It is a form of communication, a way of life, a way of being. Without a bark, who is a dog?” Blondie Black stated.

“That’s beautiful. I wish I had room to put that,” the clown said.

“Do you have a ‘notes’ section?” Blondie Black asked.

“Jesus Christ this is going to take forever,” Ruby Black said as she laid down and sighed.

BearBear Black sat near the clown and looked at the answers he was writing on the questionnaire.

“I do,” the clown said as he went to the very last page and wrote down Blondie Black’s quote about barking. “What is your name, great dog?”

“Blondie Black!” she answered as she puffed out her small blonde chest in pride.

“You are appropriately named,” the clown said as he quoted Blondie Black. “Now to get back to the task at hand, I have to ask this retarded question again, and I expect a retarded answer. Do any humans live at this residence?”

BearBear Black growled at him. “No,” she said.

He wrote down the answer with wide eyes. “Are the people of the house deceased?”

“HOW THE FUCK SHOULD WE KNOW?! YOU WOULD KNOW MORE THAN WE WOULD?!” BearBear Black shouted at him.

Coyotes howled into the evening.

“Do the coyotes live here?” the clown asked.

“Yes, but they literally just moved in. We know nothing about them,” Baby Black answered.

The clown looked frantically through the questionnaire for about five minutes.

Ruby Black sighed and looked into the yard where her dog pen used to be. It was in shambles all over the yard. The storm fucked it up.

“Well, as long as anyone doesn’t live inside the house, I don’t have to question them. Thank God. I wasn’t in the mood to be eaten by coyotes,” the clown said.

“Neither are we. Can we get on with it!?” Baby Black asked.

“Yes ma’am,” the clown said. He then started asking a bunch of questions. The dogs answered them as honestly as they thought they could without the flood gates of hell opening upon their life.

I was literally eating the bag of chips after eating all of the chips before they finally finished answering the questions three hours later. It was dark outside. My wife was worried about me, I’m sure.

The clown then thanked the dogs and disappeared into the night. Apparently, everyone disappears in Statham, GA.

“You can turn your technology back on,” BearBear Black said as she approached me. She walked like a wind-up toy from the 80s.

“Thank you,” I said to BearBear Black as I turned my cell phone on. As soon as the screen loaded, I called my wife again.