#absolutely devestated as well atm

[crazynerdandproud]

Alright that’s it, Gerry Keay is my favorite character in tma. Just listened to episode 111 and I am emotionally devestated. Also glad he gets to rest. Also I love him. I refuse to call him Gerard (cause apparently it’s that and not Jared Jon why have you been saying it like that) from now on I’m just calling him Gerry. That or goth king.

[greeneyed-introvert]

I put a service vest on my dog today. Something I swore I’d never do.

You see, I’m a dog trainer. I’m also a dog trainer with a severe high functioning anxiety disorder.

I’ve had panic attacks for as long as I can remember. I have a deep rooted need for control & perfectionism (my therapist once told me I was one of the highest perfectionism driven patients he’d ever seen). Panic attacks become worse because I hate hate hate how I can’t control them. I kept them hidden for years because I didn’t want anyone within my family or small town to know. Kind of hard to do when the attacks lead you so physically & mentally exhausted that you pass out for hours afterward. I used to try to control my panic attacks by pinching or even biting hand or arm - pain always gave me something to focus on. I’ve tried meds, but they’re something else I couldn’t control, my mood wasn’t my own. And for better or worse - high functioning anxiety is what makes me, well, me. It’s what drove me through 6 years of college and why I have 3 degrees & I’m working on a 4th. It’s why I run my own business & why I’m so organzied. I’ve had unnaturally high anxiety since As far back as being in 3rd grade. I really don’t know what it’s like to not have it.

With that being said, the only time my anxiety has ever mellowed out to a somewhat normal level has been when I was training and competing with my show dogs. It’s one reason why I left Vet School to start my own dog training business.

As a dog trainer, I when decided to get my English Springer Spaniel and train her as a “demo” dog for my business last year I decided I’d train her for everything I could think of. She’s only 9 months now & knows an insane amount for a dog her age. She goes everywhere with me as feesably possible (as long as dogs are allowed, of course). Early on, she picked up on my anxiety & moods. The first time she saw a panic attack, she immediately came to me, put her front paws on my chest & licked my face. My dog trainer brain clicked that this could be modified for a deep pressure task and a tactile simulation task. So I encouraged it. For the first few months my panic attacks stayed the same, but I noticed they became less frequent, less intense. I taught my “demo” dog everything a service dog requires, and while she was performing tasks to help me - I never planned to make her a service dog. Service dogs are for people who need them - I don’t need one, right? It’s kind of like a case of imposter syndrome along with the fear of being different because nothing screams “hey I have a mental problem” like walking into Walmart with a dog in a neon vest. In a world - my own, made up one - where I demanded perfection & cared about image more than I ever had my mental health...there was no way I would do such a thing.

But that changed today. Today my Mom started Chemotherapy. Today I was a mess.

Imaging having Need for Control as an anxiety trigger when you find out your mom - your absolute world - needs toxic drugs to stop a mass on her lungs? That they may or may not work. That the cancer may spread or it may stop; they have no clue & have told us little more than she needs Chemotherapy immediately. She could die in a year. Or 5 or 10 or 20.

My parents are one of the lucky few to find their absolute soulmates. My father is devestated. I’ve never seen him so visibly shaken & scared in my life. My mom is trying to stay as optimistic as possible, which I’m grateful for. But they are both very lost. I’m lost too, but I can’t let them know that. In a way I have to be the adult - I’m the one who really understands how cancer works - thanks to my education. I’m the one with the understanding that at least one of us needs to be calm & collected during all of this. So I’m picking up slack while my parents emotionally deal with everything. Slack includes doing errands, meeting with people and helping with the family business. But all of those things involves stress & being in public, around people.

We’re not telling anyone, not even my aunts & uncles what’s wrong rn. I can’t tell my best friends, I can’t tell anyone. I certainly can’t tell my parents how this is bothering me, because they’re already living it. So today I needed my dog. So I put on that damn neon vest. I went out & got shit done. And when someone asked about my mom - everyone thinks she’s just down with a case of pneumonia atm - I about lost it. But Emmy was there to lean on me. After my dad called from the treatment center, she laid on my chest in my car while I took deep breaths. Now instead of hurting myself to focus, I rub her ears. I’ve rubbed her ears a lot today. Right now she’s laying on top of me as if she can will away all the fear & worry.

I don’t know if I’ll keep that vest on her in the future, but today I needed help.

[pendragaryen]

Oh that sounds fun! Thanks for tagging me @junebugninja and @iishallbelieve! <3<3<3

Character you’re most looking forward to seeing: I’ll go with most of you here and say: Jordan Green. I’m especially looking forward to see his dynamic with his “foster parents” Clarke and Bellamy, as well as with Madi. But I’m also curious about Russell. What kind of a man/leader is he? Like Thelonious, when he was “drugged”/under the influence of ALIE - that kind of a fanatic tyrant? Or more the reasonable/understandable leader? I’m almost certain it’s not the latter... Maybe on the outside and at first, but....... Mh...

Relationship/Dynamic you are most looking forward to seeing: Bellarke. Foremost and always. They’re my heart and soul. But I’m also interested in seeing the solution of the discord between Raven/Clarke and Murphy/Clarke - in a nutshell: The dynamic of SpaceKru and Clarke. I hope so much they’ll get by asap. I’m feeling so uncomfortable concerning that matter... I guess that’s what the writers wanted to achieve. Oh and I almost forgot: The Blakes... Can Bellamy forgive his sister? Can they forgive EACH OTHER? I’m so excited!

Thing you will miss most about Earth: At this point? Almost everything, tbh. (Except for the Praimfaya(s) of course...) The new planet/moon looks so beautiful and radiant on the surface - but we already witnessed some of its dangers (the bugs/the two-suns-psychosis). What’ll be next? The beautiful landscape isn’t able to cover that uncomfortable and odd feeling I get, whenever I think about the new planet/moon. So yeah, I miss good old earth ENTIRELY atm.

What you are most excited for with the new planet: Um... I don’t know? Rn only the fact that it’s kind of “Monty’s Planet” makes me curious about it. Oh and that “anomaly” Raven and Jordan found... What might this be? Another danger I suppose...

Favourite moment last season: My favourite moment? Or the most heartbreaking/memorable? I give you both bc... I CAN’T POSSIBLY decide.

It would be easy for me to say that my favourite scene(s) is/are the Bellarke-reunion(s) in “Sleeping Giants” and “Pandora’s Box”. But I’ll go with the Blakes here. The “Another traitor who you love”-moment and then the poisoning of Octavia ALWAYS get me.

As for the most heartbreaking/memorable moments for me in S5 I absolutely agree that I have to mention the Marper-goodbye here. That whole damn last scene NEVER fails to make be bawl like a baby... BUT there’s one other scene that had almost the same impact on me and I cannot deny that. It’s the moment/scene when Octavia sends her own brother into the fighting pits, that conversation/argument of the Blake siblings in the jail in, what was it “The warriors will”? Wow... That was DEEP. And I’m always deeply SHOOK bc of it, almost like Bellamy himself (as well as I was when Bellamy poisoned his sister - but out of other reasons... That was too BELLARKE for me to be devestated to the core...).

Sooo, I guess that sums it up perfectly for me when it comes to these questions. ;) I am tagging (only if you want to and haven’t done his already of course): @lovethyblakes, @sometimesrosy, @katersann, @tenmonologues, @bellamys11thfreckle, @the-most-beautiful-broom, @clarkeywifey, @jasperjoordan, @hostagetakerandhisgirlfriend and @bellameblake (in no particular order)

[sheehantravel-blog]

Days 24 - 27: New Orleans, LA; San Antonio, TX; and Austin, TX

In contrast to Nashville, New Orleans was actually a lot like I had expected it to be (a very good thing). The live music, the drinks, the nightlife, the people... there really wasn’t anything about it that wasn’t enjoyable. Besides Bourbon St being completely torn up by some major construction.

We got into New Orleans later in the day, and did the usual. Hotel, unload, freshen up, go out. I found a cool “live music and cocktail tour” of Frenchmen St that we booked for a couple of hours. It was a private tour, so there was just Maga and I, and another couple. Our tour guide was so awesome and full of knowledge about the history of the city. It was really cool to actually do an informative tour, since we haven’t done this yet anywhere. 

We went to four different bars. Well, Maga and I started at our pickup location. We got an uber there a little early just to be sure we wouldn’t miss the tour, and had a drink at the bar and were the only audience to the man playing acoustic guitar and the harmonica there. He had a lovely voice and I actually really enjoyed listening to him. We felt bad leaving since we were the only ones there... it was still early. I don’t think I can remember the names of all of the bars that we went to. The first one was called Maison’s I think? They had some band playing, they were good but not anything that blew us away. Maga got a variation of a moscow mule, her favorite, and I got an old fashioned. 

The next bar I don’t remember much. Maga struggled with an ATM machine. I snuck out and ran to the corner store with the tour guide for some cigarettes (I was drinking, yes I know you’re disappointed, and yes I know I should quit, thanks). Then I shared a smoke outside with a really nice girl named Sarah who was from Hawaii and lived in San Francisco, visiting New Orleans with her boyfriend for her birthday and their anniversary. Then it was time to go, so I didn’t get much experience or knowledge at this bar.

Our third bar was my absolute favorite. It was called Blue Nile, and it was the epitome of everything I ever thought New Orleans could be. We walked into this dimly lit bar that appeared as a really basement-looking dive bar. Then we saw the lights and the stage and heard the music... and wow.

This band was absolutely incredible. They had a really diverse group of at least eight people. The outfits were great, the passion, energy, dancing, and god the talent - everything that came out of these people were great. Walking into this bar and watching them perform was like a movie. And there was hardly anyone there! We were really enjoying ourselves there, but had to get to the last bar. But don't worry, Mama and I found our way back somehow late into the night and watched the band finish up their set. And they were right, they ended up filling up the place on a Tuesday night as if it were a Saturday. Someone bought a bunch of their CD’s and donated them to the crowd, and I got my hands on one. I feel like this kind of music is just so much better live, but I don’t doubt that they are amazing on record as well. I have yet to listen. But if any of you want to look into them, their name is Water Seed. 

It seemed as if we left Blue Nile and arrived at this last bar at the perfect time. We walked in and the band finished up their song some seconds later. Then all of a sudden the lead guy says to everyone, “Alright now everyone give it up for our good friend Quay as our special guest tonight!” Our freaking tour guide! He jumped on the stage and did vocals for the bands next song, I thought that we so cool. We had no idea, and like I said, he had just timed it so well.

Quay stuck around with us after the tour and helped us find a good place for food. He was a really great guy, it was cool to hear his story and get his recommendations. Oh! And can I just say that our Uber driver was just a doll? He went by the name Hope. He took us to our tour meet up location, and gave me his phone number to call him for a ride back when we were done downtown. It was so sweet of him to go out of his way to do that for us in the middle of a busy night. And he had so much information about New Orleans (like the huge pumping issue) and great recommendations as well. We love you Hope! 

The next morning, we found a place downtown kind of in the French Quarter to get some cajun/creole food. Maga and I both wanted jambalaya and gumbo. I also was told that I needed to try some crawfish or crawdads or whatever the hell. Love everything except the crawfish étouffée. What in the world are you people thinking? I thought it was disgusting, and the crawfish tails looked like tadpoles. I was pretty put off by it wish doesn't happen often, I typically love everything and anything. But, I tried it!

After lunch we went to Cafe de Monde, apparently a very popular french coffee shop in the French Quarter. They basically only had cafe au lait and beignets. Both were delicious, Maga and I had powdered sugar all over us. It as definitely worth the stop, I wish I had more pictures of this. We finished off the day by walking around the French Quarter a little more, peeking into shops, and then took a stroll by Bourbon St. It was completely torn up for construction, so I was glad we spent our one evening on Frenchman St instead. Bourbon just would have been way too hard to navigate, the whole middle of the street was just trashed and there was buldozers everywhere and big fences up with black cloth so you couldn’t see what they were working on. It took away from the experience a little bit, but I don’t think Bourbon St is my cup of tea anyways (get it, Frenchmen St, the French Quarter... tea...) Oh yeah, and I came across this somewhere near Bourbon St. If you don’t get it, don’t worry about it. 

However, the St Louis cathedral in Jackson Square was gorgeous. It was really sad to see our flag at half-mast, as always. It’s hard being in a big city after such a devestating event, you really look at people and the world a whole lot diffrently. Not always in a bad way, but you realize how often you take things for granted. I do my best not to. I try to be the best I can be to everybody I know. The world will know peace once we all treat one another the way that we would like to be taken care of. 

We then ended our day by stopping at the French open-air market before hitting the road to Texas. It was neat to see, but we didn’t find too much. I know I said before that I’m a souvenier junkie. Well, it all starts to get to be the same after a while. 

We had a hard time finding a hotel on our way through Texas towards Austin. We had to go through Houston, and didn’t even think about the fact that the hotels would be all booked up from all of the relocating. We had a stressful time trying to figure something out for about an hour, but we ended up being able to find something about a half hour back in the direction we came from. In my opinion, that was us getting lucky! We had a pleasant sunset coming in, though. 

Now for some reason, I have hardly any pictures from Texas at all. I don’t really remember getting into San Antonio because I had a really weird and concerning thing going on. I got car sick, not only from Maga’s driving, but I just can’t be a passenger in a vehicle anymore. I get sick if I’m not driving, usually. But we were about to come into busy, rush hour and big city traffic, so I wanted to drive, and I didn’t want to feel sick anymore. Well, when I started driving it got a lot worse. I think I needed to eat or something... I don’t remember anything and accidentally cut off a two part bus. Whoops. I’m okay thought and feel a lot better ever since.

We stopped in San Antonio for the river walk. I didn’t care to see the Alamo. Maga had seen it once before, and I’m sure the history is pretty amazing, but all it is really is a building that you can’t even go inside of. So for the sake of time and what not, I said let’s skip it. But the river walk was beautiful, and it was a nice hot sunshiny day, yet again. We’ve still been so lucky with the weather. I am concerned for New Orleans with this hurricane Nate though... the whole city is literally a bowl. A bowl with poor drainage and pumping systems. With a literal huge river that lies ABOVE everything. Where do you think the floodplain goes?! Alright. 

We then drove to Austin. I had to beg Maga to go to the Congress St bridge. Haven’t heard of it? It houses 1M-1.5M Mexican bats. I guess in the summer months they come out all at once at dusk and it’s supposed to be amazing. Google a picture! Maga is afraid of bats, but I wanted to go so bad and had to pull her arm. I feel horrible because the bats didn’t really come out and we had to pay for parking and navigating through downtown Austin is no fun. But there was so many people out waiting on the bridge! The bats did come out a little bit, but stayed below the bridge. It was so dark at this point and they were hard to see. But I did see some bats!

Then we thought it would be a good idea to spend the rest of the evening on 6th St, because we heard that that’s where things are happening. Well, this was on a Thursday, which was college night. And a lot of these bars are actually 18+ clubs. BUT we had a great time at the bars that we went to. The first bar had an awesome rock cover band and an amazing rooftop with two bars and games in the back. The next place we went to was a rock n’ roll dueling piano place, and we made some nice friends there who started out as just a stranger buying our drinks for us. He wasn’t creepy, wasn’t hitting on us. Crazy right? A genuine guy who teaches martial arts to little kids who have black belts, makes his own moonshine, whiskey, and vodka,  and is studying business. He says that he tries to always do acts of goodness to strangers, in order to “return the favor” of other people doing nice things for him. We thought that was pretty cool. There may have also been some drunk pizza eating involved in our night during the uber ride back...

The next day, we got some good local coffee at some Monkey something or other place, and then went to a really awesome and ritzy outdoor mall. Maga may or may not have dropped some cash. I like it when she spoils herself, she deserves it. We got lunch at this place called Yard Bar -  an actual dog park BAR. And small restaurant. It was so cool! You have to eat outside of the actual fenced in part of the park, but you can drink anywhere. It was another lovely day out, dogs everywhere having a blast and their owners hanging out in the sunshine drinking drinks. What a great idea. 

We then spent that night in Lubbock I think? Tried to cover as much ground as we could on our way to Colorado. It was late, Maga and I got Chipotle, and thats that. 

I apologize for the lack of pictures for these past few days for us. We must have been real busy? But this last week and a half of our travels consist of a lot of parks, so you’ll see way more pictures, I promise! I am SO excited to get to Colorado (we’ve been in Texas for like three days) and finally see some red rocks. Woo!

Ki 10/4-10/6